Reddit reviews There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

No problem! To be fair, though, we don't really know if your recent relationships are falling apart because of this, or some other factor. But it's really something that will be important for you to work on.

There's definitely a certain aspect of "fake it til you make it" here. What I mean is, fixing your self-esteem won't happen overnight. But while you work on it, do your best not to SHOW it to your dates. Don't tell them you have low self-esteem. Don't tell them you're working on it. Try very hard to recognize when you're tempted to react to that inner voice and resist it.

For example, you're texting your date and he suddenly goes silent. If you have thoughts there of "what if he's losing interest?" "what if he's texting someone else?" etc. etc., a lot of times that sort of thing can lead you to making self-destructive decisions that really hurt you. Like, you demand to know if he's seeing anyone else, etc. Now even if he ISN'T seeing someone else, he's got it in his mind that you're THAT kind of woman, who is going to be all up in his business whether he's doing something or not. Now he's going to be on high alert looking for more, similar behaviors to confirm what he just saw. And people with that sort of self-esteem issue often deliver by doing the same sorts of things over and over. That sort of stuff can quickly cool the ardor of any guy...

I found this book pretty helpful: https://www.amazon.com/There-Nothing-Wrong-You-Self-Hate/dp/0971030901/
Quick and easy read, mainly about how to stop beating yourself up.

Good luck!

I would first suggest reading one of these books just to see if the teachings and mindset are something that speaks to you. They are all easy quick reads.

http://www.amazon.com/There-Nothing-Wrong-You-Self-Hate/dp/0971030901/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8


http://www.amazon.com/Suffering-Optional-Three-Keys-Freedom/dp/0963625586/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8


http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Feel-Like-Resistance/dp/0961475498/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8



In the past there was more of an informal process of selecting visiting monks based on people who had already participated in previous retreats and things and weren't new to practice. That's not meant to be elite, it's just being new practice is a different ball game than having been with it for a while. Being a visiting monk can be a rather strenuous commitment. It's also not really appropriate for the resident monks to be around someone new. It's hard to explain but there is a kind of stress that occurs for more senior practitioners around new practitioners for that length of time. Senior practitioners love to teach and have infinite patience, but as a visiting monk you are in their lives much more frequently on a day-to-day basis as opposed to when teaching a workshop that ends and everyone drives home. Now they require everyone to go on a specific retreat as a pre-requisite. See the forth program down on this page: http://www.livingcompassion.org/schedule

> 2 weeks ago, He decided that he wanted to be exclusive after a few dates.

Mistake numero uno.

> I was creeping his Faceook

Numero dos.

> Should I be worried about not being as pretty as his ex?

Très. No, why would you?

You're not going to get the therapy you need from a reddit post. But remember, there is nothing wrong with you

As someone who also struggles with self confidence and worth, I feel like it's important to say that regardless of whether or not you ever stream, you have to try and face these issues.
It's not healthy to be so critical of yourself all the time. It's not fair to yourself and you're only getting in the way of your own happiness an success.

I've only just started streaming and trust me, it hasn't been easy! I got my setup together a good while before I actually launched for the first time. I would make the same excuses as you - too ugly, too weird, too bad, whatever.
Until you work on it, you will never feel good enough. You will never think that you're ready.

Thankfully I had my husband convince me to do it on impulse one night and honestly, it was a huge relief. Even just getting that first stream under my belt, I felt infinitely more okay with the situation.
In the few times that I've streamed, people have been incredibly kind and supportive. Plus it's been a lot of fun! No one has noticed any of the negative things that I constantly pick out about myself. You have to stop overthinking it. As they say, we are our own worst critics. And if someone doesn't like you, so what? There will be plenty of other people that will.

Here's the thing, everyone has their moments of self doubt, but you can't let it consume you. Try and make a conscious effort to stop being so negative towards yourself. That doesn't mean you have to give yourself compliments all the time, because that may feel disingenuous. But instead, just try to halt the insults when you can.

If you have the time, I really recommend the book There is Nothing Wrong with You. It's like $9 on Amazon and it helped me a lot.
I still have a lot of issues, but I'm working on it. And if you ever wanna talk about this stuff, I'd be happy to listen.

Good luck!

This is the very typical thought pattern of clinical depression, and it is a common consequence of experiencing bullying and abuse and mistreatment while growing up. When you feel bad, you begin to think you are bad. The bad feelings and negative thoughts creates a vicious
circle. It becomes habitual so it can be hard to break.

I can relate. I was an abused kid and I have depression problems to this day. I'm much better at handling it now though than I was.

Therapy can help greatly. So can anti-depressant medications (they tend to work best for people who don't have an obvious cause for feeling depressed). So can understanding how it works, so you can change the thought patterns that cause the depression.

If getting therapy for her is a problem (it's very much a trial and error thing), there are books that can help. Two that have helped me the most are:

There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber.

and Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman.

You can help her by letting her know "just because you feel bad, doesn't mean you are bad." You have to replace her belief patterns with new ones. She's so used to thinking poorly if herself that criticisms are automatically believed and taken personally. Compliments tend to be not believed and dismissed because they conflict with her self-image, and they make no sense in her belief system. You need to back up the compliments with WHY the compliments are true. Give her reasons.

If she's wonderful, tell her why. What's wonderful about her? The more reasons you can give her, the more it will help. Treating her really well will help too, over time. She has to learn to believe all the abuse and mistreatment wasn't her fault, she did nothing to deserve it, it was just others being cruel. Let her know that even when she feels she's at her worst, you still think she's wonderful, depression and all. She'll have difficulty believing you at first. "he's just saying that to make me feel better"...then "okay, he actually believes it, but it's not true"....but eventually it'll be "wow....he's right...it IS true...it's just my head messing with me, that's all." You have to be steadfast, and your actions have to match your words.

She needs to learn how to nurture herself, especially when she's feeling down and the dark part of her mind is attacking her. It's an illness. it's not something she has conscious control over. It can be treated.

Book recommendation: "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber. It's a very accessible "self help" style book about Zen meditation and awareness practice. Huge breakthrough moment for me with regards to combating shame/self-hate/self-doubt. I had it on a wish-list for years and failed to buy it because my brain was like "Clearly there is something wrong with you" but it ended up being the first meditation guide I found that felt possible/do-able for me. Worth a shot yo.

https://www.amazon.ca/There-Nothing-Wrong-You-Self-Hate/dp/0971030901

There is nothing wrong with you. Let me say this again, there is nothing wrong with you. Now repeat this to yourself: "There is nothing wrong with me."

Modern society raises us with this idea in our heads that we're constantly, yet subtly told that there is something wrong with us. It's simply not true. When I get down on myself, as you're struggling with I read this book and remind myself "There is nothing wrong with you".

If you are seriously considering suicide, as you said in your comment, please seek help. Call your mom, or a suicide prevention hotline.

I suggest reading this book There is Nothing Wrong with You, by Cheri Huber. The font is absolutely horrible in it, and it looks kinda cheesy, but you'll find some profoundly helpful advice. It has a Buddhist slant but you don't need to be Buddhist to get something from it and it's respectful to other beliefs.

Cheri Huber's books are outstanding for motivation/insight into awareness practice. There Is Nothing Wrong With You and What You Practice is What You Have are excellent for seeing the egocentric negative self-talk for what it is and developing a loving attitude toward practice.

This book (recommended by my psychiatrist) has helped me with my self talk:

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971030901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oHWIDbC3W8T1R

Basically, any voice in your head that doesn’t come from a place of compassion and kindness, say to it, I hear you, but I choose not to believe you.

These are the things I say to myself (try to):

Way to go!
I’m awesome!
I have made so much progress, I’m so proud of myself!
I love you (to myself)
I have worked hard for this and it paid off

Also...way to go! You rock!

Edit: if/when you “mess up,” maybe say to yourself, I’m human and it’s ok when I mess up, what matters is overall progress and that I’m still trying.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Really, there isn't. Everybody has a different path. But when I was suffering from pretty severe anxiety and panic attacks about 12 years ago, this book, and the introduction to Zen practices it gave me, were invaluable. That might not be a path for you, but there is a path for you.

(Disclosure: Not a Buddhist, much less some kind of Zen master. But the exercises on mindfulness, on quietude, on being present still stick with me today. And I still have to practice.)

Just don't get caught up in "I will love myself if/when I __". You have to practice it now, just as you are. I used to just say "I love you" in the mirror. I felt like a complete idiot at first. But it helped. I also recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0971030901/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1418232614&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40

For some reason a book is coming to mind that I wonder if you might enjoy... I have read a LOT of "self help" / psych books but one in particular does stand out in my mind right now :

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971030901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_44KVAb9HRG24Y

I'm more into fiction these days but if you're interested in book recommendations I'd be happy to review more of the ones I've read and share them with you.

So, first off, I'm sorry you've had it rough. I'm male and undoubtedly quite a bit older than you are, so I've been around the block plenty of times. Hopefully some of this will help.

1. Self-esteem is definitely one area where "fake it 'til you make it" can be helpful. Half of the battle is re-training yourself not to always put yourself down or think negatively about yourself. As you have found out hard way, showing your insecurities to men is a great way to scare them away. It's totally normal to HAVE insecurities, I just think one of the first steps is trying hard not to show them in ways that get you in trouble. Ironically, one of the best ways to end up with a partner who doesn't make you feel insecure is to pretend like you don't give a fuck whose social media he likes, etc.
   
   
2. Check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/There-Nothing-Wrong-You-Self-Hate/dp/0971030901 Inexpensive, easy read, basically talks about how to work to change self-hating behaviors.
   
   
3. Probably obvious, but please consider therapy. Faking it is a potential first step towards avoiding really obvious blow-ups like the one you mentioned above. But at the heart of it, your lack of self-esteem is going to cause you LIFE-LONG issues, especially in relationships but also extending to school, career, and so on. If you want this to get better, you need to commit to figuring out and addressing the root cause of your self-esteem and anxiety issues. Therapists are TRAINED to help people with problems like this. It's pretty much their entire purpose.
   
   
4. Self-esteem is one area that I feel is best kept (mostly) private. Here's what I mean: People like to talk about being able to share anything with a partner. That's certainly a great ideal. But the truth is, self-esteem and related anxiety are persistent things that you struggle with every day. If you tell your partner every time you think of it how much you hate yourself, or hate when he likes someone's stuff on Instagram, or talks to a cute girl, etc., over time it will absolutely to change how they view you, even if you have a solid relationship to start. They will start to respect you less and get more and more frustrated with your lack of self-esteem. There's definitely a certain amount of "If she hates herself so much, then why do I bother liking her?" So, if you get into a relationship with someone, it's perfectly fine to tell them that you struggle sometimes with a lack of self-esteem. And of course I hope they will be supportive. But try to TEMPER your expression of that when you are around him or even others like good female friends, because the more you do it, the more it will impact how people feel about you.
   
   
5. Finally, to a certain extent, you can't avoid competition when you are dating. But you can't let it rule you. These days, it is certainly common when you first start seeing someone, for them to potentially be seeing others. You can't worry about them, and you have to retrain your brain not to obsess over every little thing, especially the stalker-ish type stuff like monitoring their behavior on social media or dating apps. I have good female friends my age who KILL themselves stalking people they like and trying to analyze what it means. They say things like "He liked his ex-wife's photo on Facebook" and "We are chatting, but I see he's online on Tinder!!" Could stuff like that be a potential problem? Absolutely. Are there assholes out there? Absolutely. Should you be worrying about this after dating for a week? Not in the slightest (IMHO). My point is, I believe you have to start from a point of trust, and believing what a person says and does directly with you. If we didn't have social media or dating apps, like previous generations, you would never even know about any of this stuff. And somehow those people still found partners eventually.
   
   These are just a few things I learned over my way-too-long life of dating. Not sure this will help, but I hope so!