Reddit reviews Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Get the book [Toxic parents] (http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347) and give it to her.

Then run. That's not a joke. Until she breaks the bond mom will run her (and your) life.

EDIT: added link for the lazy

EDIT #2: GrtrShp has found a link for a .pdf for free.
Fixed.

I just want to say that I've been in the position your bf is in. My parents (particularly my mother) are verbally and emotionally abusive to myself and have made many attempts to ruin my relationship (now my marriage) by insulting my husband and his family, sometimes in front of him. After a few months of dating my home life got so bad that I moved in with my then boyfriend. I got a lot of crap from my folks but over time I've learned to tune it out and live my own life.


So, here is some advice that hopefully will help:

1. You are dating your bf, not his family....I know there's a lot of people that will tell you that your enter into your partner's family but even family relationships are earned by respect and love, not hatred and narcissism. If my husband had given up on me because of the actions of my folks then we wouldn't have had the chance to fulfill the great relationship we have now.
   
   
   
2. I know you wanted (and rightly so) your bf to immediately defend you against his mother but sometimes it isn't as easy as that. Remember that if he is living at home then he is in a very unsteady spot if he decides to go against the people that are housing him. This in NO WAY means she have any right to disrespect him or you, but it is the reality in which your bf is living in right now. He cannot just say what he means the second he feels the urge to respond, because if they decide to kick him out then he's on his own with -I'm guessing- no where else to go.
   
   
   
3. You are only going to make your life harder by surrounding yourself with toxic people. This doesn't mean never see his folks for the rest of your life, but keep the focus on your relationship with your bf and not on pleasing his parents. If you do decide to go over for dinner or something I would never recommend allowing people to insult you in any way, but remember that when dealing with abusive narcissists there is no easy way out. It's kind of like arguing with the wall -you'll end up exhausted, you'll feel insane, and you wouldn't have accomplished anything. I have a feeling -having come from what sounds like a very similar situation as your bf- that he is trying to get you to come over for a different reason that you think. First, he wants you to know and understand what his mother is like and to accept her for who she is, not to love her for who she is. It took me a long time to accept the fact that my parents will never change, but that doesn't mean I love them for who they are or what they have done to me. There is a big difference between acceptance of reality and love. This might be what your bf is asking. Now I would definitely not tell you to sit back and take any insults like they mean nothing, but if she is really such a toxic personality then there is little use in arguing with a wall, right?
   
   
   
4. Try to understand your bf's feelings and actions through his eyes. He has been raised in this abusive situation, and no one just denies the people that have surrounded him his entire life overnight. It takes time, energy, love, experience, and the help of a friend or lover. In my own life I still at times feel immense guilt and shame concerning the names I've been called and the way my parents treated me as a child and even today. I KNOW that it wasn't/isn't my fault they are nuts, but I still tend to feel the guilt and shame so deeply that sometimes I cannot focus on anything else. You bf's parents have an extreme hold over his self esteem and his physical persons (regardless of age because parental abuse can go on MUCH longer than people think simply due to this hold over the children) and it will take more than one incident of him standing up for you to convince him that he is worth so much more than his parents allow him to believe.
   
   
   
5. Remember the long-term. Do you love your bf? Do you see a future with him? Do you see a place together, a long-term committed relationship, kids? If so then keep in mind his mother is nothing compared to the happiness that you and your bf will give each other in the future. Do not allow this one person to make you quit on your own dreams and desires for a happy and loving future!
   
   
6. Seek out resources for your bf and yourself in learning how to cope with his parents. There are many online resources that were essential for me to overcome the abuse of my parents. I recommend Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (I know it isn't you that's got the Nmother, but the website has valuable information), and doing some research on Toxic parents, Emotional abuse, and Verbal abuse as well as the various abuse subreddits available here.

I can relate to that. The author of the following book agrees with your view. Abusive parents shouldn't just be forgiven.

"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life"

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

I think the biggest thing I want to stress first is that you should be very careful with the way you tell her she needs therapy. You can encourage her by saying things like "Talking to someone with experience with these types of situations will help." etc, but don't say things like "You need help.'' I have a past that took a lot of years of therapy to overcome, but I worked through it because I wanted to, not because people told me I should.

The next thing I can tell you is this isn't going to be a fast or easy fix, you need to make sure you're willing to stick with her through the good and bad. Therapy basically makes you relive past traumatic experiences so that you have the opportunity to work through the unresolved issues from what has happened. Unfortunately some days, going through it again is harder on you than when it actually happened.

Lastly, therapy mixed with this book saved my life. I think she would find it very helpful and comforting. Although she may have a healthy relationship with her dad now, that doesn't mean that the feelings she's repressed over the years about him don't exist anymore.

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

Good luck, and good on you for not running out when she let down her walls for you.

Oh wow, please stick up for yourself and don't go through with this just because your parents guilt you into it.

I saw this linked in another thread today; it may help you understand what you're going through with your parents. Or it may not, but either way I'm really sorry you have to go through this and I wish I could help.

Well, you obviously know there's something amiss here. You need to establish boundaries and be direct with your parents about what you will and will not accept from them. They will protest, guilt trip, and become angry with you for pushing them back, but you need to remain strong and do what's best for you.

You don't have to deal with them if you don't want to. There are no rules to life that say you must talk or deal with your abusive parents.

A book you might want to check out: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

Your older sister has the right idea. Limited contact, and firm boundaries. Hold your ground, and make sure they know you are an adult and you don't have to clean up their messes.

Replace it with a copy of Toxic Parents.

There is this book called Toxic Parents.. Obviously your brother isn't your parent, but there is advice in there that is directly applicable to this situation - toxic family members.


I had a similar situation where a vile family member just kept disappearing/reappearing when I already declared that I would cut this person off. This book helped me deal with it. I found the advice and the exercises in it much better than therapy.


Also this article from Psychology today (1999) says something about forgiving more eloquently than I ever could - It's okay not to forgive.


Other advice that probably has been said in this thread:

The family you choose is always more important than the family you were born with. Your adult life is about you and the world you make. You can choose who to include and exclude from it for any reason at all. You're under no obligation to entertain or acknowledge anyone even if they are "blood." Keep those that add value to your life.

If you're not going to enjoy the wedding, you're never under any obligation to attend. That's time that you'll never get back.

If your body is reacting to thinking about this, then it's probably not emotionally/mentally healthy to attend the wedding or even talk to this individual.

It's entirely possible that your brother has changed and after much deliberation you might choose to accept this person into your life. If you choose to accept, establish boundaries, make this relationship on your terms only, and never tolerate less than good behavior. (Better said in the Toxic parents book I mentioned before)

Good luck.

edit: Formatting. I am a derp at this sometimes.

I highly recommend the book Toxic Parents. I was pissed when my girlfriend suggested it to me - both because I am of the opinion that 99% of self-help books are bullshit, and because she was suggesting that I have a 'toxic' relationship with my parents - but it turned out to be a very intelligent, well-written book that covers a wide range of situations in a manner designed to fix those relationships and to help adult children create an adult-to-adult (rather than child-to-parent) relationship with their parents. If I recall correctly it has some good advice regarding religious differences; as I am an atheist, and my parents are very religious (fundamentalist Protestant), it was very helpful for me.

Definitely an abusive father. He may not have physically hurt you, but otherwise this is the total template of an abusive relationship. May I recommend this book? http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

Your father has some pretty big problems. Be strong and do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and that may mean seeking professional help from outside your family. Best of luck to you.
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

Sounds like your dad is being manipulative and guilt tripping you. Despite his good intentions, his behavior is unacceptable. And you have every right to feel annoyed/violated when his behavior hurts your feelings.

I would recommend read this book - http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

You need to read the book, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward. It is a good book and will help you. It is available at Amazon.

When dealing with my parents, my partner and I found this book, Toxic Inlaws, really helpful. I haven't read the prequel Toxic Parents, but I bet it'd be equally as helpful. It really helps outline the problems as being on their end, and what you can do to stop rewarding/enabling their destructive behavior. Sounds like typical manipulating-and-destroying-for-your-own-good.

Your relationship can still be hurting your. I suggest reading the book Toxic Parents. An excellent book on parents like yours (and mine ;) )

Do your kids a favor, pick up a copy of Toxic Parents somewhere. Read it yourself first, then let your kids read it.

My dad was a drunk from when I was 4 to when I was 12. I'm 33 now and he recently gave me the book to read after reading it himself, and we are have a lot of difficult, but good, healing discussions.

He sounds pretty crazy. I wish I could be more help, it's a rotten situation you are in.

I have heard good things about this book:

<http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347>

It's difficult having a mother with emotional issues. It helps if you realize that she is sick and these outbursts are a symptom of her illness. Giving her everything she wants will fix nothing, she will find other things to be dissatisfied about. If she disagrees with a decision you've made just thank her for her point of view, assure her you'll consider it, but still make your own decision. This book helped me a lot. Another hint, if you are justifying you are losing. Learning to disengae is key. I'll shut up now.

Someone further up this thread posted this. Just reading through the preview allowed on amazon, this would be good for you and your wife to read.