Reddit reviews Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

You are right- you are most definitely not alone. Mother's Day is always such a rough time of year. All this celebration of motherhood and here we are, not even able to acknowledge to most people that we are mothers. It sucks. Big time.

This year is even rougher for me because my husband's cousin just had a baby two days ago and my facebook is filled with pictures of the new baby and the happy family. Of course, I am thrilled for them but it hurts, too. I cannot have children (hysterectomy) and so it is even harder on me. I had a really awful pregnancy because my family treated it like a sin instead of the joy of a new life and, because I was so young, strangers looked at me and were judgmental and sometimes rude. I never got to raise my baby girl and now I cannot have another child and experience all the joys of pregnancy and motherhood that everyone else in the damn world gets to have. Normally, I just push it all down and go on with my life but this time of year the emotions tend to bubble up to the surface.

In regard to your situation, I think you should send them a book on adoption from an adopted child's perspective. Perhaps Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish their Adopted Parents Knew. Include a letter stating that, just because your son does not want to talk about adoption with them, it does not mean that he is not curious about his birthfamily. Suggest that your letters probably mean a lot to him but he may be afraid of letting them know that because often adopted children feel they are betraying the APs if they show interest in their biological family. Also let them know that, if your son is adamant that he does not wish to recieve letters and gifts from you, that is fine but you want the decision to be HIS, not theirs. He is old enough to make that decision now. And, even if he does not want things from you right now, I would still send them and have the APs hold them until he is ready because I am sure it will man a lot to him as he gets older.

Also, feel free to PM me if you ever want/need to talk. Hugs! <3

You guys sound like me and my wife; she wanted to get into it years before I did because I was the worry-wart. She waited on me to come around to the idea before signing us up for the classes. We also wanted to go the foster-to-adopt route (well actually we just wanted to adopt, but you foster-to-adopt anyway in that process.)

My advise to you two is to go ahead and make plans to go through the fostering classes. Doing so doesn't commit you to fostering, you can still decide it isn't for you. The classes are indeed geared towards 'worst case scenario' which likely won't be your experience if you do actually foster, but they might bolster your resolve for committing to fostering after learning how bad these kids have it.

Since you are leaning more towards the foster-to-adopt side, my bet is you'll be exposed more towards older kids and sibling groups since generally they are more available for adoption than the little kids, but it's a conversation you'll need to have with your case worker since it varies by region.

Currently we have a 13 year old girl in our care, who is available for adoption, and it looks probable that we will adopt her. Another thing we weren't told in training is that we aren't necessarily rushed for time. I was thinking we'd have to decide to adopt her within a month or two, but in reality it appears we can take all the time we need.

Some books you guys may want to read:
Three little words

Twenty Things Adopted Kids wish their Adoptive parents knew

I'm a birthmother who placed a boy at birth 11 years ago. Adoption evolves depending on the people involved and from support groups I can tell you that no adoption is the same. There are books I wish I would have read before hand. One recommended recently for adoptive parents in my birth parent circles was Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Thier Adoptive Parents Knew. Available here: http://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Adopted-Adoptive-Parents-ebook/dp/B000SEFDJG/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368277710&sr=1-6&keywords=adoption

I have a semi open adoption where we communicate via email and I get an update with at least one picture once a year. Contact ranges from none to frequent visits so that is another thing to consider. What are you comfortable with? Are you ok with the idea that the child may still want to know the birthfamily? Even if they don't have contact during childhood they may seek them out as an adult. Are you ok with the idea of them having more family? More people to love them? Another mother/father figure? Hard questions for sure.

Just to dispel some myths: Most birthparents don't expect the kids they placed to see them as a parent later. Also, most birthmom's specifically wouldn't dream of changing their decision. We see it as giving the child a family ... not as giving the family a child. For us it is often about what reminds us of something we liked in our childhood. Similar traditions or activities. I really liked that the my AP's profile was scrapbooked and I could tell they were craft and art talented. This is because my mom was like that. I liked knowing they planed to adopt more kids and my son would be a big brother because I have a big brother. I've heard other birthmom's say the same. Hope this helps.