Reddit Reddit reviews Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

We found 34 Reddit comments about Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
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34 Reddit comments about Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship:

u/TheBeneGesseritWitch · 23 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Cats are nice I guess.

But they have litter boxes.

I prefer my dog...


I have been lurking here for about three months, since my therapist gave me the book Understanding The Borderline Mother and everything came into sharp clarity.

Last week my mother argued with me and said to my father (who was in the room as a referee, useless ass that he is) “the root of all our conflict is because u/thebenegesseritwitch insists! on setting boundaries!! Whenever she disagrees with me it is just so disrespectful!

I was dumbfounded that she actually vocalized that in her world setting boundaries and expressing a different opinion = disrespect.

She seemed to realize how absurd she sounded and tried to shift the focus from me/my boundaries/her lack of respecting my boundaries/ to a more global dislike of boundaries. She went off on a rant about how boundaries are the reason the millennials have so many problems and how boundaries are why the country is in such a horrible state these days. (and to his credit my father did ask about five or six times “so when BGW disagrees with you, you automatically feel disrespected, even though as a grown adult in her own house, she is allowed to disagree with you?” “So you take offense simply because she disagrees with you?” She tried to avoid answering, because I do think she was having some cognitive dissonance....and when she did it was always “no she’s allowed her own opinion of course but it is just so hurtful since I’m coming from a place of love! I would never have disagreed with my mother, so yes I’m hurt and offended that BGW disrespects me by holding to different opinions!”)

I told my dad later that her ability to vocalize her issues with me setting boundaries while simultaneously holding to her willful inability to recognize how fucked up her thinking is about boundaries terrifies me.

ANYWAY. All that to say, thank you for this. I’m sending it to my sister.

u/madpiratebippy · 12 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Tell her she's doing the right thing. A lot. She should not let someone abuse her, she is a mother now herself and it's not her job to let her Mom hurt her so that she can manage her life- she has her own kids that need her time, attention, love, and money, Her Mom isn't all alone at this point because she's some poor, sad, abandoned waif- she hurt everyone who ever loved her over and over again until they had to walk away for their own safety!

AKA play bitch games, win bitch prizes.

If appropriate, please send her my post history- even as awful as Fucking Linda was I still wavered and almost broke NC. That might help, seeing how hard it really is, that she's not weak for wanting a Mom, but the person who should have done that for her left a Mom-shaped hole inside of her, and it sucks and it's not fair, but it's OK at the same time.

I have my reading list I'll post, you can get her these books, with an extra suggestion for her:

Understanding the Borderline Mother this one, read the reviews- it's why I thought of your sister. Lots of "I was finally able to let go and realize I'm not bad, and it wasn't me!"

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

  1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

    If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
u/starbuckles · 7 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.

For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother

This NPD website

For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Adult Children of Abusive Parents





And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living

Complex PTSD



You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.

This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!

My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?

Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.

u/kalechipsyes · 7 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

You very clearly need a break.

You may end up facing charges if she chooses to file. That cannot be helped at this point.

But, none of this changes the fact that you got there through severe abuse, and need to get out. Let this be a wake-up call. Don't let yourself get driven to this point again.

Find some way to detach. Find an outlet for the anger. Find an outlet for the sadness, and someone to hear your story. Begin detaching the hooks she has in you and allow yourself to focus your life on finding peace, in whatever form it comes. Likely, you need NC if things are this bad.

You can take responsibility for something that you did that was wrong, while still also being the victim of something, yourself. That's allowed, and does not reduce either. Things are not black-and-white in the real world. But, you need to take responsibility for your own needs and feelings, and learn to fulfill them in a healthy way, if you are ever going to heal - that means getting the help that you need and breaking that drama triangle, even if that requires physically removing yourself from the situation.

Just remember, always:

You are, fundamentally, good.

(edit: added another link).

u/hammiesink · 6 pointsr/AskReddit

If your mother has BPD, I'm very sorry for everything you have undoubtedly been through. This is one of those disorders that makes even the most experienced, educated and competent of shrinks absolutely dread the career they've chosen, so don't feel bad that you've been unable to manage. The way I've coped is to learn as much about the disorder as I can. It helps me feel less responsible for all of her madness (which is what the BPD mother instills in her children from birth). It has also helped me forgive her, understanding that she didn't choose to have this disorder and can't ever escape from it the way that we can. Some really good books that I've found to be very helpful in terms of learning about this disorder and how to cope with this are:

http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1280355017&sr=1-4

http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1280355076&sr=1-1

Therapy has also been invaluably helpful. Best of luck to you, from one BPD kid to another.

u/puddingcat_1013 · 6 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

There are lots of great resources out of there. For example, the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" was a great help to me.

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

Also, the website BPDCentral is a great resource:

http://bpdcentral.com/

And, Out of the Fog:

http://outofthefog.website/

But if you truly want to heal yourself and live your best life, you're going to need to find a therapist. Your BPD mother trained you all your life to deny that you were a person in your own right, so much so that you no longer understand your own wants and needs. You're going to need personal guidance to find your way out. You need to find those hooks that your mother put in you and remove them. It hurts, and its hard work, but its the only thing that will allow you to heal fully.

I think the difference between boys and girls being raised by borderlines (depending on your mother's own special brand of abuse) is basically just what society puts on either sex, plus bonus points for BPD. But a therapist will help guide you out of the woods for your needs specifically.

This is a great group also. Read and vent as necessary. We've all been through it. You're not crazy and you're not alone. Hang in there and good luck.

u/wetoldyounottotell · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Okay, first I'm going to recommend Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson.

Next, you didn't do anything to cause this. I couldn't see this myself until I had distanced myself so much from my mother that there was literally no way I could've prompted her outbursts (and mine also told me my dad tried to beat her until she miscarried me and later "attempted suicide" by overdose at least twice). You cannot help your mother. There are things she could do that could help her in terms of her mental health, but you cannot do them for her, and telling her about them will probably just make her angrier (e.g., "You think I'm CRAZY?! My only problem is having such ungrateful CHILDREN!" etc.). Your dad and Laura want you to spend time with her to "end the drama," but it won't end anything. It will just reset the cycle, if you're lucky. What you do today won't make or break anything, so take heart. But the only way to improve your situation with her long term is boundaries and distance. Boundaries didn't work with mine, but distance has been a lifesaver.

u/Fighting4MyFreedom · 6 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I'm so sorry. This sounds so painful. She sounds sadistic. BPD manifests somewhat differently in every person. Have you read this book: Understanding The Borderline Mother? She describes a "Witch mother" archetype who is sadistic. My mom definitely falls into this category. She was violently physically abusive when I was a small child. https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319
So you're story is not unique. My mom used me as an emotional garbage disposal for her toxic feelings of rage and disgust but she wouldn't call me if she lands in the ER and she rarely shares vulnerable feelings of sorrow or fear. She has told me repeatedly that I shouldn't have children because they're too much trouble and not worth all the "work." And she has zero empathy for me and lives for controlling me in every possible way: financially, emotionally, and logistically. If she can dump on me all her self-hate, violent rage and desire to punish the world for her pain, then she feels all is right with her corner of the world. So, no, you're not alone.

u/Just_smh · 5 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

So much to say...so much to say. I'll attempt brevity. I'll likely fail.

>I was strong willed growing up. I talked back a lot as a child and would cry anytime my mom left. I deffinitely had abandonment issues after us leaving my bio dad I guess and I was always afraid that the next time she left would be the last time I saw her. So I wasn't perfect. I'd complain about cleaning my room, or yell at her if I got upset about something.

Show me a kid that likes cleaning their room and I'll show you a FREAK. Show me a kid that didn't assert their independence/identity by yelling at their parent and I'll show you a FREAK. Not really but...you sound like a perfectly normal kid.

>Growing up I was a trigger for my mom I now see. Which is completely understandable given that my bio dad is her ex alcoholic, abusive, rapist, husband. So... I'm sure this played a part.

Maybe. But pwBPD lie like they breathe. She may or may not have been raped. Even if she was, you are not the trigger. Your existence is not the reason she behaves the way she does. She behaves the way she does because she is ill and rather than recognize that her behavior hurts others and seek treatment she blame-shifts, demonizes, and gaslights.

>If I stood and listened she would tell me how she could see the evil in my eyes, that I was so cold and heartless and that she had only seen that look on my bio father and I was going to be just like him, that I only cared about myself.

I think you have a BPD "witch" on your hands. I had a BPD "warlock" (my dad). Almost verbatim these words. This kind of situation. It really fucks with your head. Especially as a child. As you do your work when you get back to therapy try to recognize this shit as "tapes". Tapes can be over-written and replaced with better music. Sounds like at the end of your post some people have been giving you some new tapes. Listen to those new tapes often.

>Growing up she always let people have or borrow my things.

They have no respect for boundaries. What is yours is theirs. I could tell you stories...

>I once, stupidly, decided to nicely tell my mom in a conversation that I thought she might have BPD and that she should look into it.

Right? Because maybe the problem is that she doesn't know and now that she does she'll go fix it. You'd fix it? Why wouldn't she? Who doesn't want to solve a problem? She doesn't. She'd rather make her problem your problem. Most books you read on the subject will caution against ever doing this since, as you discovered, it doesn't really go the way you hope it will.

>She claims she doesn't remember the horrible things she has said to me growing up. She tells me she is worried for my son because she thinks that my mind is slipping and that there is something wrong with me.

There's a whole thread here about this. It really is best to "just not remember" for people that don't want to accept responsibility for their words and actions. More gaslighting. I would go ahead and trust your memory. It happened. Memory is weird, so maybe it didn't happen exactly the way you remember but it happened.

Example: I have this memory of my mother giving me a...well...horrible sweater. It was sleeveless, argyle print on the back, and it had an ice-skating bear on the front. I was like...24 going on 25 at the time...so completely inappropriate and I was never going to wear it. I couldn't accept it. I gave it back to her asking her what was going through her mind at the store when she thought her 24 year old daughter would actually want this. She needed to get her $$ back for it. This is one of my "funny" memories. Anyway...I remember the bear having a little flip up skirt. When cleaning her house this past thanksgiving (see post history if interested) we found that sweater. The sweater is pretty much how I remember it...just no flip up skirt.

So yeah...whatever you remember is probably the actual truth.

>My whole life I was her therapist. Not my other siblings, because I was the oldest so I could handle it.

I learned a new term here. Emotional incest. This whole paragraph resonates but especially that last bit "I was the oldest so I could handle it". I have said, felt, expressed those words VERBATIM. I even carried this in to my adult live where I figured anyone in psychic pain really should go ahead and give it to me cos I can handle it better than they can. I know what I'm doing and they are clearly in need. Yeah, I'm not a fucking therapist so I don't do that anymore. This is a boundaries thing. Absorbing the pain of others is not your responsibility. Accepting this and not automatically stepping in to assume the pain will take some practice, and your future therapist can help you with it.

So welcome member of the tribe. I'm sorry you've been separated from us for so long but you're here now with your family. We are big and we are strong. So get yourself something to eat. Read through this sub and anything you can get your hands on for as much as you need it over the next couple of months until you can get back to therapy.

People will recommend many books. My favorite was Understanding the Borderline Mother. A lot of us here have read it. It goes through the various manifestations of BPD from the witch to the waif. Waifs can have their witch moments just as witches can have their waif moments so while the book draws distinctions it is likely you'll see aspects of you mom in all the archetypes.

My comment is now almost as long as your post. I wish you well and perhaps we'll see you around here moving forward. BIG HUG!

u/exposeyourself2art · 5 pointsr/Parenting

Jo reminds me a lot of my mother, from whom I'm estranged. Growing up with her was a lot of overwhelmingly inappropriate behavior that turned into sexual abuse (not saying Jo will do this, but it's the same pattern that escalated). I ended up going to therapy about it, and my therapist recommended I read up on borderline personality disorder, which she thought my mother had/has. The inappropriate behavior was never about sexual arousal, she just didn't understand normal boundaries but insisted that she did (so she never wanted to get therapy for it). My father was in sort of a semi-denial about how serious her behavior was - it was only a problem when her behavior negatively affected him. Even if your FIL were healthy, decades of depending on an unhealthy dynamic is difficult to break in a marriage; impossible if he's also physically dependent on her.

For now, I'd recommend visiting your FIL individually without the baby, so you can still check in with him and keep Jo away from your daughter. Any interaction with her and children involved will have to be supervised by other people aware of her issues. This means don't leave her alone with kids and any other family members who see her quirks as no big deal.

For the long-term, I'd suggest you go with your husband to a family therapist to discuss ways to handle your in-laws in regards to Jo. Her behavior isn't normal, so it makes sense that most people don't know the normal reaction to her. I'd also recommend "Understanding the Borderline Mother", which helped me immensely.

Good luck!

u/TextileDabbler · 4 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Hi! Welcome to the club. Mine disowned me for having the temerity of getting married. Refused to make any plans with me to meet my husband and then complained that he's a stranger. It was the last item in a long list of whacko behaviors while growing up.

If your college library can get their hands on it, I recommend reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" Cliff notes version here

The disowning is what she thinks is her biggest weapon in her arsenal. She is holding the financial sword over your head. Do not engage. Do not reward bad behavior with a reaction. Ignore it. You have a stepfather and an aunt to help you through this and confirm that you are not the one acting in bad manner.

She has shown you a pattern of saying bad things and then "apologizing" for them later. Writing you out and canceling your ticket is going to cost her money, so I doubt she will follow through with what she is threatening.

Will finishing college get you finally out of her control? (which is a big issue for her, no doubt) How long do you have left? Can you just grit your teeth and chug towards graduation?

Good luck and much love.

u/tasteface · 4 pointsr/IAmA

It's great that she has a diagnosis and is willing to work on it. That's a good sign. You should consider in your decision making related to your family that you have made not only a commitment to your wife, but also to your child. As the non-BPD parent, it is your utmost responsibility to protect your child from emotional and physical abuse that a BPD mother can inflict on him or her. I'm not saying that your wife is abusive now, or that she will be in the future. I'm just saying that if there is abuse at any time, your commitment to your child(ren) must take precedence over your commitment to your wife.

Beyond abuse (which, again, I'm not saying is happening or will happen), your children are going to face the emotional challenge of dealing with a borderline mother. You might be able to handle her ups and downs and her wild escapes from reality, but your child is not born with those coping skills. Because your child is exposed to this on a day to day basis, I strongly recommend that you read this book: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. I am a child of a borderline mother, and this book describes my childhood relationship with my mother so accurately that it is unnerving.

u/djSush · 3 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Hey I was looking for the book. There's a Surviving the Borderline Parent and there's Understanding the Borderline Mother Which one is it? Thanks! 💜

u/Movingon72 · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Understanding The Borderline Mother

I found this book to be pretty good for me. My therapist recommended not showing this book to my kids until after puberty. Like 18-20.

One of the hard things for is me is that she seems to take most of it out on my oldest. I suspect that my younger boy may never understand why we are getting divorced.

u/RestrainedGold · 3 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I think what your therapist is recommending is that you read books and other resources about the two conditions to help you understand how to not enable her behavior and also to help you heal from her abuse.

And you are right, it isn't the same as a diagnosis. But ultimately, your response will be very similar with or without a diagnosis. My jusno's do not have any formal diagnoses that I know of. Originally, I thought that they might be this or that, and it felt like I needed to know. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I would never know, and furthermore my course of action wouldn't change even if I did know. Which means, for me, the precise condition is ultimately irrelevant. You will have to determine relevancy yourself. Your therapist has given you a generalized area to research that will hopefully help you to find the right path forward for you. I personally would also look at books on narcissism - not because I think your therapist is wrong, but rather because the conditions are similar enough that the books are helpful. Sometimes this is more about finding an author who speaks your language than it is about the precise condition.

Please take the time to understand the differences between Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality. My understanding is that they are pretty different in terms of their source, presentation and how to treat them. I have done way more research on personality disorders than Bi-polar.

Book options (based on your therapist suggestion) to help you on your way:

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=borderline&qid=1568749104&s=gateway&sr=8-5 - have read this one - it is good

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=borderline&qid=1568748960&s=gateway&sr=8-2 - have heard good things about this one, no personal experience.

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=pd_sbs_14_19?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0765703319&pd_rd_r=1df02639-93bb-4407-a19e-09f71cb173bc&pd_rd_w=8tGI6&pd_rd_wg=FsKic&pf_rd_p=d66372fe-68a6-48a3-90ec-41d7f64212be&pf_rd_r=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5&psc=1&refRID=7J859K8ZGXEKBHVS3EW5 - have also heard good things about this one.

u/nein_danke · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My mom (nc for 13 years) is diagnosed borderline, and also has something called cyclothymia. You have my sympathy. This book, while unusually expensive (even in Kindle form), is valuable to people like you and me. Unfortunately, it's also very upsetting. After I got through the part about the Witch-type borderlines, I was unable to continue reading. Maybe I'll pick it up again someday, but for now it's emotionally exhausting.

The worst part is that I kept identifying with what they were saying, only not the way the borderline personality reacts toward those feelings. It's like there's The Event, and the borderline personality will react one way, while I react in the exact opposite direction. It terrified me, because I don't want to be like her. Even though I am definitely not BPD, it still scares me every time I read it.

My mom is likely a witch-type. She tried to kill me once, possibly twice. The times she put my life in danger are innumerable. The only way for me to find peace was to cut her out completely. I've been much better since, though I don't think I'll ever be normal. PM me if you ever want to talk.

u/kaldi_kahve · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Understanding the borderline mother: helping her children transcend the intense, unpredictable, and volatile relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

u/workerdaemon · 2 pointsr/rant

These are the resources that helped me:

After Psychotherapy -- Blog run by a psychotherapist. I particularly like his theory that the source of all mental illness is hiding shame. Find your shame and accept it. I haven't found an instance that debunks this theory.

Why do I do that? -- Book written by the same author as the blog above. Again, his insights are very helpful. I really enjoyed this book to help me understand other people so I wouldn't get angry at them. My issue is abandonment, so when someone does something to trigger it I A) know it's just a trigger, and B) know it has nothing to do with me personally because of whatever issue that person has. I haven't read any of his other books, but I would guess they would be helpful, too.

Attached -- Details of attachment theory. I personally don't like attachment theory too much, but my boyfriend thought this book was wonderful and that it helped him understand things better. My psychiatrist gave him this book after I brought him in for a group session. A lot of people believe in attachment theory, so I'd recommend reading it.

Jungian Psychotherapy -- I believe in jungian psychotherapy instead of CBT. How I view it, psychotherapy uncovers and heals your hidden shame, while CBT helps you to better cover it up. If you have serious problems, I just don't think CBT is going to work.

Now, the rest are more about borderline personality disorder, which I believe I have. If you have emotions that you feel just aren't regulated and keep bursting out, then you will likely benefit from looking at BPD resources.

Understanding the Borderline Mother -- This book changed my life. I got the book because of my mother, and after reading this realized I have BPD, too. I'm the hermit, based on her classification, and I'm even dating a huntsman! I had to keep putting it down as it blew my mind and made my world, my family, my past make so much more sense.

Putting the Pieces Together -- The author's account of working through recovery, what helped her along with details of BPD itself.

Books authored by Marsha M. Linehan -- She has BPD herself and is a psychiatrist, so she has intimate understanding in what the problems are and how to best fix them. She invented DBT.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook -- DBT is a type of therapy that focuses on emotion regulation skills. I actually haven't read this book -- I started doing so well, working on my mental health got lowered in priority. But, it's well recommended and could be very helpful.

I was in therapy on and off for 14 years. It wasn't until I started doing my own research into psychology and read all of the above that I finally started making huge strides in progress. I'm now pretty stable.

The body tries to protect itself by hiding things even from you. It make take awhile to widdle down those defenses so that you can self analyse thoroughly enough. Reread things and you may find you'll find "new" stuff.

It's a lot of work, but well worth it.

u/cutecottage · 2 pointsr/BabyBumps

You have to order this book right now. It changed my life -- seriously. Before reading that book, I was convinced to my core that there was something deeply wrong with me that caused me to have anxiety, eating and extreme conflict-avoidance issues (seriously, I'd grill my best friends for hours about "what was wrong with me" and thought they were lying when they told me "nothing")...and that book made me realize that all of my psychoses were reactions to her behavior and my way of coping with them, rather than a sign that there was something wrong with me.Instead, there was something wrong with her. All of the issues I experienced were just my brain/body's unconscious way of finding a way to cope with the chaos and instability that her disorder caused. When I first realized she was borderline, I broke down in the shower crying because for the first time in my life I actually believed that there wasn't something deeply flawed about me.

Feel free to PM me off-board for support. It's a hard road ahead -- and I really, really don't suggest telling her she's BPD but instead maneuvering around it -- but it's probably a lot easier than what you've already been through.

EDIT: Forgot to add, there are different types of borderlines -- hence why your friend might be easier to deal with. And if she's medicated/treated, that's a huge step. (Plus, being a mother seems to bring out BPD tendencies much more dramatically than a friendship.)

EDIT 2: I also felt really guilty at first that I was "surviving" my relationship with my mother instead of having a "real" relationship with her. But then I realized that if she is unwilling/mentally unable to get treatment, this is the only way to have a relationship with her at all. Yes, it isn't genuine, but I like to think that the fact that I still interact with her even though it's somewhat staged actually shows a lot of effort on my part to make it work. And besides, a "genuine" relationship is what I tried to have with her growing up, and that only ended in fear and emotional trauma for me. I'm an adult now and have to protect my own emotional well being first (and that of my husband and my child now).

One of the hardest parts for me in reconciling her BPD is the fact that she isn't terrible all the time. I've come to realize that, deep down, she is a good person who means well and WANTS to be generous and kind but can be overtaken by a demon she has no capacity to realize is there. I try to bring that good person out and that requires navigating around her triggers -- admittedly rocky waters.

It might be hard to deal with the guilt of manipulating her and strategically maneuvering around her disorder, but you're doing the right thing by at least trying -- it's much easier to just walk away.

u/dmcindc · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

If you are questioning your childhood and your mother's behaviors, I highly recommend two books. "Understanding The Borderline Mother" and "The Body Never Lies." Both of those books are very eye opening.

u/i8doodoopuss · 2 pointsr/BPD

http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

If you haven't already, read "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It has helped me immensely. It was emotionally difficult to read this book, but it has really helped me to heal in the long term. It has also helped me learn how to negotiate a relationship with my mother, and come to terms with her disability.

Being the child of an untreated borderline is painful, but ultimately isolating - how can people possibly understand?

And, it's normal for the children of boderlines to struggle with identity - where does mom end, and where do I begin? This is something you and I will struggle with for a lifetime, I'm afraid.

Please feel free to PM me. You are not alone, and things will get better.

P.S. I'm a bisexual agnostic. Sooo, yeah.

u/blueprotector · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My mom did almost the exact same shit to me just prior to my wedding. I think it's the fear of separation that causes it. Do yourself a favour and read this book. I had SO MANY "holy shit moments" whilst reading it. Confirmed my Nmom has BPD and explains everything I've been going through. Hope it helps.

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

My therapist has me reading the most wonderful book. I don't know if it would apply to you, but it sounds like it might: Understanding the Borderline Mother - don't be put of by the weird pic the cover. This book has helped me so much.

You are not alone.

edit: wanted to share something my therapist says that helps me when I worry about being like my mother: "Your mother hurts you because she lacks two important things: empathy and humility. You do not lack those things and therefore cannot possibly be like her."

u/cinnamongirl1313 · 2 pointsr/BabyBumps

Oh man...I know all about the self blame game! But it’s hard not to when you have someone pretty much any wrong doing in their life was your fault! 🙄

I’m not a huge reader but I found this book to be extremely helpful: Understanding the Borderline Mother

And thank you! We had a little scare over the weekend so this little girl could actually be here sooner than December! Ahh!! 💜

u/avagolden · 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

Of course I don't mind! I just finished Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. I highly recommend that one. It has exercises throughout the book that I'm finding extremely helpful . I just started Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. This one is pricey but it seems to be a favorite for a lot of people. I'm only at the beginning, but I think it's going to be really good.

u/inhplease · 1 pointr/Codependency

Then you can afford therapy, which was one of your concerns. Most therapists are willing to negotiate a lower fee if you are a college student, unemployed, or without insurance.

It is wise to be careful about which therapist to see. Finding a good therapist is hard. A big mistake that I kept making was going to the first therapist that was close to me and had an opening for an intake. Don't do this!! I wasted years doing this, because I ended up feeling guilty about leaving a therapist when things were not working out. My guilty response here was very codependent.

You want to research therapists online and find one that looks like a good match. You can google "codependency therapists" along with your local city to see which therapists are available. You can also use psychology today:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?&city=New+York&state=NY&spec=503

Codependency is very common, and there are therapists that treat it in almost any major city. It might also be helpful to find a therapist who has treated BPD patients since you said your mom was BPD, like mine. These therapists would have a much better idea of what you have been through. Here is a book that helped me:

http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

Good luck!

u/laurenshapiro · 1 pointr/needadvice

Hi there. I think you need to make this decision yourself while understanding the ramifications of being 15 years old and having to support yourself entirely.

As far as living with your dad, it might be worth trying family counseling.
As for your mom, borderline personality disorder is a rough disorder but with treatment and help things do get better.

My professor recommends this book to kids of mom's with borderline personality disorder. Hopefully it helps you.

Good luck!

u/Mart243 · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

Do NOT put anything past them: she came to my workplace to assault me, breach the no contact conditions a bunch of times, lied to my kids saying that I sexually abused her during our 19 years together, .. they will stop at NOTHING.

It can turn into a fucking nightmare but it's all worth it in the end, I see a faint light at the end of a tunnel and a bright future for me. My kids have never been so happy and relaxed. Which brings the question: you will likely lose custody if you leave the kids behind with her. ie: "if it was so bad with her, why did you leave the kids there?". What do the kids think? Do they want to move with you? They are old enough to have a voice but may not know what they want at this point in time since they have lots of empathy for their mom.

Do NOT give her a heads up. Act first. It will be explosive no matter what but at least she won't be able to sabotage your plan. Prepare for the worst as I've pointed out, and if it doesn't happen consider it a bonus.

Plan for some counselling for the kids, and read this to see how she'll fuck them up if you don't act: https://www.amazon.ca/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

At some point you'll feel guilty of going it and have doubts so buy this book https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321 and read it ASAP. It will clear up the fog a bit. You are not alone.

Seriously: RECORD EVERYTHING. It will be what saved my kids and what saved me.

u/UrbanCowgirl79 · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

Well, she trained you since birth to be her enabler. It's not your fault. You figured it out now, and that's what's important. I guarantee you if she'd found an LTR when you were a kid, that person would have only been an enabler, but her head enabler. Less of the emotional labor would have fallen on you but it wouldn't have made you mother any more functional or emotionally healthy.

I haven't read this book, I've only read about this book, Understanding the Borderline Mother. Sorry for the shitty quality of this site but it's the best explanation I found of the 4 "types" discussed in the book. The Witch, the Queen, the Waif, the Hermit, although a person can be more than 1 type. It sounds like your mother, if you think she may also have BPD, is definitely "the waif".

My mother, from my experience with her, has enough of the symptoms on the list of narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder to be classified as both. Per that book's types, she's a witch & hermit.

Also, there's a drama series from American premium cable in the early 00's called "Six Feet Under" about what is obviously a Waif BPD mother and her 3 adult children. You may like that one if you haven't seen it, or want to re-watch. Your description of your mother made me think of that show.