Reddit Reddit reviews Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

We found 4 Reddit comments about Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
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4 Reddit comments about Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship:

u/krakkem · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Oooh okay. It sounds like you have a concept of yourself as inherently bad. It's a byproduct of long-term abuse, especially with parents. I have similar issues, especially taking compliments. I once got a compliment and a family member said something in the vein of "well they don't know the real you." If you get enough of that message enforced, positive comments are going to be really uncomfortable.

I don't know how you can consider yourself inherently good, I certainly haven't, but maybe work towards thinking of yourself in a neutral way? I tend to carry reminders of the positive things I do (namely art) so that when I'm getting really hard on myself, I have a physical reminder to counter it.

In the meantime: therapy and/or reading Understanding The Borderline Mother will help you learn more about how to start healing from abusive relationships while you were developing.

u/allusium · 3 pointsr/BPDSOFFA

It seems likely that she may have a personality disorder. The behavior you describe would make life difficult for any child. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with her acting like this while you were growing up, and it sounds like you are still dealing with her acting out.

Have you read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson? If not, it may help you identify more of her behaviors and understand how they may have affected you. Lawson describes various ways that BPD can be expressed that can appear different on the surface but are all tied to the same disorder.

It's awfully hard to love someone who is so emotionally volatile. One thing I've found helpful is to establish and enforce boundaries that will give you space to be a healthy person, to be yourself rather than an extension of her. The book Boundaries by Clound and Townsend is an excellent introduction to the idea and can teach you how to begin setting boundaries.

Ultimately, though, your mom may choose to not respect your boundaries, in which case you will need to create separation from her in order to be emotionally safe and healthy.

u/UnfavoriteThisPerson · 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Oh man. This is a really hard place for you to be in, given that you're still in high school and dependent on your family. A lot of what helps (no contact, setting boundaries, etc) are either unavailable as options, or much much harder to execute for you. You have my sympathies.

If you haven't yet, I'd suggest you do some reading. Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson was really helpful for me - you probably get a copy of it through your library. It's gendered about mothers, but equally applicable for your Dad. It'll help you understand how his BPD has affected your development and general steps on how to heal and handle your dad. Stop Walking on Eggshells will also be a good resource for you.

Any attempts to control his behavior will likely set him off, so at this point, work on you. Here's what I recommend:

  • Work on holding your own inherit goodness intact

  • Work on setting and holding firm boundaries with people

  • Keep your relationship strong with your siblings, all to often my sister and I were pitted against each other

  • Find an outlet to vent your stress and emotions. Having a BPD parent is emotionally taxing and it's easy to keep it bottled up because you feel like you should. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or just your friends will help make unbearable pain more bearable

  • Focus on getting out. College was my way out of my of escaping the house. Making sure I got academic scholarships was how I was financially independent.

  • Learn how you've been shaped by your dad's mental illness. Oftentimes, we've learned to fawn or shut down or fight in times of conflict. We condition ourselves to walk on eggshells with everyone, not just our parent. We also learn rescuing behaviors.

  • Write events down. People with BPD often deny or minimize their abusive behaviors, so having something physical will help you retain your sense of reality.

    I think it's also helpful to remember that if your dad does have BPD, there's a physiological difference in his brain. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it does mean that his perception of reality is going to be distorted.
u/kittenmommy · 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

Welcome! I'm so glad you found us!

My mother also spend lots of time in bed/sleeping. And she loved her Valium. 😒

> I still am not 100% which categories I'd put her in (waif ,witch, queen), but I still don't know a whole lot, so if you guys have any good books/articles/anything that you would recommend to help me learn more about this disorder, I would greatly appreciate it!

The book that really did it for me was Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson. As I was reading it, I was thinking, "OMG, this woman wrote a whole book about my mother!".

> The little I know so far is really helping me to peice together my childhood, so I'm excited to learn as much as I can.

I definitely know that feeling; a total lightbulb moment! 💡

Welcome home!

hugs

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