Reddit reviews Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
We found 5 Reddit comments about Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Oh jesus christ. I am so, so sorry that your mother is pulling this manipulative and abusive bullshit.
And that's exactly what it is: manipulative and abusive bullshit. I don't know if anyone's recommended you check out r/raisedbynarcissists yet, but please consider doing it. You'll find a huge community of people with parents who have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders (among others), sharing stories and getting support for situations very much like yours. This whole "I'm going to kill myself because of you" scheme is a common one. My grandmother is Borderline, and she royally fucked my family with these kinds of threats and other abusive, manipulative behaviors.
One thing that's helped me significantly (both to understand how my grandmother's mind works, how to deal with her, and how to navigate the fuckery she's made of the family) is reading books like "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I've also been in therapy with someone who specializes in dealing with borderline people, even though I'm not borderline myself. I 100% advocate doing research and seeking advice from therapists about your situation.
And please know that nothing your mother does is your fault. You don't deserve this kind of treatment, and you shouldn't let her convince you that everyone would be better off without you. Because she's absolutely and completely wrong.
The thought of keeping a relationship with this woman makes me bristle, but, I know of two books off the top of my head that talk about juggling a relationship with this sort of woman. The first is The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd Ed. It has a section on advice for how to maintain a relationship without letting yourself be trampled and without just going NC.
The other, is Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. It's expensive on Amazon, but check thriftbooks and half price books online if you're interested. IDK what HotWheels' issues can be attributed to, but even if she doesn't have the disorder, the book devotes four entire chapters to maintaining a relationship with a dysfunctional mother who won't change without getting your boundaries trampled.
Some people might recommend Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, but in her section on maintaining contact with people, the people who are doing the abusing are more just misguided than fundamentally broken like HW. I don't think Forward's techniques would be enough to keep your boundaries intact, but if you're a fast reader, it's another volume that gives advice on maintaining contact without losing yourself.
I've written before about when I was still in contact with my own parents. Structured contact is your friend. Meet in public places. Have a big audience, like in the middle of an Olive Garden or something. Carry cash- that way if shit hits the fan, you can hand cash to your server or the host before walking out to leave. Activities are a good bet- things like the zoo, where the focus is on the animals and not on HW. That's just one example.
Anyway, best of luck to you. I know this sub screams "NC!!!!" a lot, because we've been hurt trying to keep contact. But since you seem to want a relationship with your mother-in-law, take a look at the tools outlined in the books above.
For anyone on the fence about staying "for the kids," I recommend you read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. Basically, the BPD parent is inflicting trauma on your child whether you are there or not. If you are there, you are complicit in the abuse by default. Your presence may even make it worse and more confusing for the kids.
I also recommend you hit up google scholar and look at research on children of Borderlines. They are highly highly at risk for becoming borderline themselves, or getting into a relationship with someone with a personality disorder.
When you stay "for the kids" you give your child a 0% chance of living in a peaceful, predictable, stable home.
I'm surprised she was honest and told you. I'm glad you know! Things will make a lot more sense as you learn about it.
These are my recommendations:
Good luck and welcome home! Let me know if you need any advice or anything. I'm here for you as well as everyone else here.
I'm so sorry. It's awful to feel like you're stuck in bad relationships with both a parent and a partner, especially if you don't see a way out or a way to get help. It can make you think that you're the problem, which will make you depressed, which will affect your physical health, make you think about suicide, etc. You deserve better than this.
You mentioned that you are a grad student -- most universities have student health services that are free/discounted, including mental health.
You mentioned on another thread that your mom controls your bank account, which is an unacceptable intrusion by the parent of an adult child. I'm assuming that you have joint access to them. When the time comes to break contact with her, part of your plan should be to transfer (substantially) all of the funds from your joint account to one that she does not control.
You really must become as independent as possible from your mother before you think about moving in with a romantic partner; until you do, you will be like a magnet for abusive and controlling men.
If you legitimately can't get therapy right now because you fear your mother cutting you off financially when she finds out, you can at least start by reading some books that will help you understand the patterns that are running your life. You may have read some of these already:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, by Lundy Bancroft https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, by Christine Ann Lawson: https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship-ebook/dp/B00BGMZ9CA/ref=sr_1_2
Finally, you have a lot of people here who have been through your situation, who empathize, and who will listen without judgment. You're not alone! :)