Reddit reviews Uniquely Rika

Hmm.

The thing is, if I were in his position I would want you to understand what it is about the these activities that excites me. So, that might be a good place to start a discussion.

In regards to violence, remember there is a big difference between hurting and harming someone, and for masochists the right kind of pain, given by a lover who understands and accepts you can be sweet as a kiss.

If you're finding that his fantasies tend to be more extreme than what you're comfortable with, there is a book that while I didn't like everything about it (it makes male submission sound a tad unsexy)but it does have some pretty solid advice that might be helpful. Uniquely Rika.

If perhaps you are looking for ways to inspire your inner dominance to come out and play, you should maybe focus on making him do things you enjoy. Introducing simply rules to your dynamic at first, such as be able to demand a kiss at any time is simple and pretty hot, it might help you to work up to wanting more control over him

How to Make Your First BDSM Scene Amazing is short, sharp actionable and great for confidence building.

Uniquely Rika is useful for F/m relationship building (one of the very few books that is genuinely female dominant focused vs male fantasy focused).

I have a comprehensive non-fiction book list here with synopses so you can get an idea what the books are good for (and not good for :)).

Ferns

That link to Lulu.com should work. Huh.

Here’s the URL directly.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/msrika/uniquely-rika/paperback/product-2403338.html

Here’s the Amazon link

https://www.amazon.com/Uniquely-Rika-Ms-Rika/dp/1435710797

Ok, so here's my big reply... Sorry for the delay, but I've been out of town busy with work, etc. I've had this half assed draft kicking around for a while... finally finished it up.

And please take my reply with a grain of salt. Its possible I am "projecting" as him. Its possible I am totally wrong. I don't think so, but I dunno.

First a couple of things...

> It is starting to make me feel unwanted, and also self conscious when he isn't reciprocating. It makes me feel like "just me" isn't good enough for him and I've never felt that way before with someone.

Dommes are in demand, don't forget that. There's a shortage of Dommes. It may not work out with him, but don't let that bother your self esteem. There a plenty of subbie guys in the sea, not so many Dommes. From this post it seems you are not at fault here, it sounds like he is... Actually, it sounds like the meds are.


> I was doing this with him (lowered the kink level to just the chastity), would order him around for when I wanted sex etc. It seemed to be working but then he just took it off one day without asking permission. I gave him a punishment, but then he did it again and I now I'm confused if he's even into this as much as he says he is.

This tells me he wants to be "punished". He wants the chastity to be real. He should just tell you that, but he didn't. He doesn't have the nerve or something? Maybe if he tells you, then for him its not real - maybe he wants you to want to make him chaste.

How could he take it off? Why does he have access to the key?

Personally, if I were the Dom (I'm a male switch), I'd punish the shit out of him for taking it off. I'm talking a serious punishment - something he doesn't like. Either a hard spanking, or some sort of grounding/denial, or some sort of humiliation or something. It needs to be an effective punishment, not a "funishment". If he did it again, I'd punish him further.

> I also am feeling like there's a lack of an intimate connection with him, I guess I hoped some none kink would help me with that.

Is it the meds? I knew a guy on Lexapro - it helped him with a lot of issues, anxiety and whatnot, but it always made him seem a little... distant. Mostly because he was. The meds did that.


> I find dominating (I'm still learning) to be a bit exhausting at times.

So when you say that you are a kink dispenser... I understand what you mean... But it absolutely does not have to be like that.

You said you were still learning...

You are the Domme. You are in control. You decide how much and when for EVERYTHING. You don't have to do anything you don't want. He has to do everything you want and isn't allowed to do anything you don't want.

(Really, he doesn't have to do anything, but it sounds like this is what he wants - a Domme to take control.)

Personally if I were you, I'd go into total Domme mode, not less. I know you say that's not what you want but hear me out.

First, being a Domme doesn't have to be exhausting. It shouldn't be exhausting. By its definition, its not exhausting - its getting whatever you want, when you want it. Domme's are the Queen. They are the Princess.

Just do what you were going to do if you weren't the Domme, and when something pops up that you don't like, go into Domme mode and shut that shit off. When you want something, go into Domme mode and get it.

One of the big ways being a Domme can be exhausting is if she is constantly doing things she doesn't really want to do and that moment to please her sub. It can be exhausting if the Domme constantly thinks "Ok... What do I have to do now to Dominate him? Let's see... I just ordered him to scrub the toilet... Now what?"

Sure, being a Domme involves "giving gifts" to please her sub, but they should never be a burden or something that is exhausting for the Domme. They should be a gift that the sub likes, but delivered when the Domme wants and feels the sub has earned.

Again, as the Domme you'd be in control. You'd have the power to make things how you want them.

There is a totally awesome book about this called Uniquely Rika the book essentially changed my perspective on being a sub, having a Domme and being in a Femdom Relationship. Buy it. Read it. Have him read it.

So... I'd start by locking his dick up and totally controlling his orgasms. And just cut him off. Say something like "We're done with you having orgasms for a while. Maybe a long long while. Maybe forever. We'll see. In fact any kind of penis stimulus? Forget it. Your penis is going on a loooong vacation." Ask him when his last orgasm was, and Mark down that date/time on a calendar.

And that's it. Lock it up and keep the key. Don't do anything else you don't want to. Just wait.

I'm guessing he will love this. AND it's not a whole lot of effort on your part, is it? (I might be wrong.)

If he requests something kinky don't do it (unless you want to). Tell him that he's not allowed to request anything for a while, and that you will let him know when he can. Punish him in a way he doesn't like if he violates that.

Explain to him that you are the Domme and you call the shots and that's it. He's not allowed to make requests of you anymore. It's disrespectful and frankly annoying. (He'll probably love this too.)

Make him realize that ANYTHING you do for him is a gift and nothing more.

Keep the key, either wear it or hide it. Inspect his cage once in a while, maybe every night if you feel like it. Make sure he's not chaffing or whatever. Let him know it's his job to check his caged junk for problems and report them to you. It better be a real problem or he'll get punished in a way he hates.

When you want, tease him. Flaunt the key, don't let him touch it. Pat him gently on his balls. Tell him that's as close to sex as he's going to get for a while.

Make it clear that he is NOT allowed to ask to be unlocked except for a medical emergency of some kind and he is absolutely NOT allowed to whine about needing to orgasm or anything like that.

Remember, you are the Domme. You dictate how you want shit. His desires might be listened to sometimes. Maybe.

If he needs to unlock for a doctor or something make SURE he doesn't masturbate and lock him right back up.

Lack of any kind of sex, coupled with teasing, will likely cause his libido to shoot up.

And this sounds like it would lead to what you want. Honestly it also sounds like its what he wants.

It typically takes me a week or so for my horneyness to shoot out of control. At that point, I'd do anything for my keyholder. She comes home from work, I gladly drop to my knees and kiss her feet (and I am NOT a foot guy). I have the house cleaned and a glass of wine ready to go if she needs it. If she asks me to kiss her ass, I relish the thought and immediately get to work. Back rubs, bathing, neck massages, anything. She names it, I do it - to the point where she grows weary of my attention.

Just to get some "alone time" to herself she chains me in in the closet to sleep. I'm allowed a blanket and a few pillows but that's it. Not only am I NOT allowed to masturbate, I am UNABLE to because I am locked in chastity. Before she leaves me in the closet, I'm allowed sometimes to kiss her beautiful bottom, feet, and pussy. Sometimes. She grows weary of it pretty quickly and simply walks away telling me that she's going to masturbate and fall asleep, and that I must go to bed now or be punished.

People don't believe this, but people like "the chase". They want what they can't have.

Tease him. Deny him. Control him. You call the shots. Make it clear to him what you want. Reward him if he does it, Punish him if he doesn't.

Make sure you tell him exactly what you want, and how you want it. Explain to him why it's important to you. If he dares complain or do something stupid like give you eye rolls, just punish him (again in a way he doesn't like.)

Just keep him locked up from now on. Work out a deal that for every 10 orgasms he gives you, he's allowed to be unlocked and have one. I imagine he'd make damn sure you are giving him what you need.

Does he just want you to do things to him in sexy scenes? Or do he and you both want more?

I just got a copy of Uniquely Rika and while short it really illuminates the How-To and emotional complexity of Female-Dominant Power Exchange if you want a good place to start. https://www.amazon.com/Uniquely-Rika-Ms-Rika/dp/1435710797/ref=pd_bxgy_14_2/157-4079401-7809037?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=7GJCBAJHVT388E6K7T20

There is a sequel Uniquely Us but my order isn't here yet.

The Hesitant Mistress sounds like it might also help you. Different author though so I'm not sure.

My Year in Review post here also has other book recommendations.

My recent take on submission as a m sub see what he thinks: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/comments/5prmzv/submission_is_not_a_replacement_for_selfesteem/?st=iybrxp7g&sh=e454ae43