Reddit reviews Walking in the Garden of Souls: George Anderson's Advice from the Hereafter for Living in he Here and Now

I'm so sorry for your loss, that was a truly evil thing of your mother to do. If you can try to accept the guilt as proof that you are NOT the same monster. At the same time, try not to bury all these grieving emotions in the long-term, instead when you have a safe space and the time let yourself feel it all and acknowledge that you ARE human, you ARE hurting, and there's nothing wrong with you for that.

I've heard grief described as "love without a home," and I think that's very true for you in this instance. You still love your Father, and since he's not here to acknowledge that the cognitive dissonance of it all is very painful. It's natural to feel guilt, it's a reaction to the powerlessness of death and loss because we WANT to be responsible for something, anything, to make sense of the senseless. Even if you had stayed in contact with your parents, it sounds like the toxicity of your mother would take its toll in a different way, possibly causing more damage than what you feel now.

I don't know what your religious/spiritual beliefs are, and mine have definitely shifted to more spiritual and less religious since my own loss, but I do believe that SOMETHING of our loved ones continues on in a meaningful, conscious way. Whether it's actually true is irrelevant to me, because that is the way it has felt despite the possibility of coincidences and the grief-addled mind grasping at straws, and in the end it brings me comfort. If it's true, it means that your father could still be aware of you and understands what you're feeling, and it's safe to assume he knows you love him and doesn't hold the hard choices your mother forced on you against you.

I'm glad that you've been able to build a life and grow a family despite the trauma your mother probably caused, and I hope you are able to take comfort from spending time with them. "Still functioning" can be tricky when you're grieving, I've found that whole "pretending to be an adult" thing feels even stranger but no one has any right to judge you and how you grieve.

Be kind to yourself, be patient, and take the grief one day at a time. It's okay to feel guilty, and angry, and tired, and numb. The stages of grief are not sequential and are not mutually exclusive, and it's certainly not fair but it is unfortunately a common part of life. And with a multi-level loss like this, give yourself extra patience to grieve the loss of future time with your father, of the childhood you deserved and did not have, and of the relationship with your mother that is also not possible. It's a lot, and it might never feel "okay" but with time you can get used to it and even let it fade to the background for a while.

Some of the things that have helped me process my grief are this metaphor about grief and waves and this NPR speech about having a physicist speak at a funeral. If you have time for a longer read and some spirituality the book Walking in the Garden of Souls was lent to me by my therapist and really helped me process my own guilt and preoccupation with my loved one's death. There are lots of other books too, as well as support groups and ways of coping. Find what works best for you, whether it's keeping a journal or meditation or exercising to help your exhausted body get some rest.

On an unrelated note, here's a helpful site you can bookmark to help remember formatting and linking through mobile: www.redditsecrets.com/reddit-formatting-help