Reddit reviews What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety

There's nothing wrong with your being a virgin/not having a ton of relationship experience. Everyone does things at their own pace and all that. People may be surprised when you "come out" as a virgin, but it's not as big a deal as you think.

If you're ready to try sex, awesome! I would recommend a couple things:

-Experiment with masturbation! You should be comfortable with being touched 'n stuff. It's pretty cool.

-Make sure you're going to do it for the right reasons, and not just to get it out of the way. You're letting someone inside your body. It's awesome and fun, but it also means you're putting a lot of trust in someone. Don't be in too much of a rush just because of societal pressures.

-Be honest with the dude! If you're not comfortable talking about sex stuff with a guy, it might not be a great idea to have sex with him. If he doesn't respect you enough to appreciate your honesty, he is a giant ass.

-Do some reading. This might be a good one? Make sure you know how to stay safe and happy.

A friend of mine had a similar problem at 28 years old. You are not alone! She was embarrassed to tell guys (or me, or our other friends) for a long time. It was difficult, but she got the courage to tell a guy she was dating and really liked. He was really understanding and patient with her (not that it's bad to be a virgin and he was just putting up with it or something, but he only did things she was comfortable with and waited for her to ask).

Godspeed, miss!

A good sex life is worth fighting for.

Not all sex lives look monogamous, exclusive, single-gender oriented, or conventional (vanilla.) What is it that you're really looking for? Alternatively there are a veeery few people out there who are inherently (or become later on in life) asexual. They might still like cuddling and human contact but they don't like sexual contact. Sometimes it's easier to figure out what you want and just roll with it instead of trying to squeeze yourself into a premade box.

What kind of therapist did you see, was it, for the childhood/narcissistic parent things? Because what you're describing makes me wonder if you would at this point benefit from seeing a sex therapist. Not a total party pooper sex therapist either, some of them can be real dirtbags. But some of them are pretty cool. And some of the cool ones maintain blogs & stuff too, so there's that, and then the blogs link to other blogs which may have educational value to you. No you don't need to be in a relationship to see a sex therapist, the cool ones should be trained adquately to address your concerns as a mostly single gay man. Caveats: Consent is required 100% of the time as is protection.

How far have you explored what you authentically want? Do you live in a "Hip" city with an active gay community, or, even a fetish community? Sometimes groups like that throw educational events - yes strictly educational. Otherwise there are lots of books about relationships, but I assume you already read a lot of the more mainstream ones. I know you're like 40 and gay and male but may I suggest this new-ish title? [What you really, really want] (http://www.amazon.com/What-You-Really-Want-Shame-Free/dp/1580053440/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376451731&sr=8-1&keywords=what+you+really+really+want) Sorry bro it's the best I can do.

It is really scary. Try to take deep breaths before a date to control the anxiety. Yes, you have to just take it VERY slowly. You need to establish some trust with the person before considering anything physical. With that trust in place, you can confide that you need to take it slow. You don't have to be explicit, you can just say "I have a complicated past, and I really need to take it slow as far as intimacy, even with just kissing. Is this okay with you?"
If they're in a rush, they're probably not a good fit for you. I know it's really frustrating.
Reading this book also helped me.

Best of luck!

Yes, it's always okay. It would be okay if you were 40.

I recommend you try to get a copy of What You Really Really Want by Jaclyn Friedman. It's a really great kind of self-help book that's all about working through your feelings and desires about sex and figuring out what you want separate from various social pressures. Link to Amazon.

It sounds like you're having issues more so with being single and having casual sex that the link is exacerbating than you are issues with kink itself? I'm gonna break my response down:

1. Being single after a long relationship can be a rough readjustment. That sucks, but it will pass. You were, however, incompatible with your ex, and you deserve someone who is sexually compatible with you.
   
   
2. If you want to have casual sex, that is great and fine and nothing is wrong with it. If you aren't the type of person to have casual sex, though, you should probably start looking for another relationship when you feel ready and bring up kink when y'all start getting sexual. Figuring out what you want requires a good deal of introspection, and I recommend the book What You Really Really Want to help work through that.
   
   
3. There are plenty of single dommes. It is normal. I hope the other dommes in the scene aren't judging you for being single, because that's pointless and mean. Maybe you're projecting your insecurity? Try talking with and befriending them if you can - they'd really be a great resource in talking through these things.
   
   
4. Every dom starts out inexperienced, there's nothing wrong with that. Again, other doms in your community are a great resource for learning and gaining experience and knowledge.
   
   
5. It's not shallow to only want to have sex/sexual activities with people you're attracted to. It never will be. You are never obligated to engage in sexual activity you don't want or to engage with a person you aren't interested in. Ever.
   
   
6. When you first get into kink it can be this NEW OVERWHELMING THING that you feel defines you completely. This will also pass as you get more experience and it becomes just another part of your life.
   
   
7. Plenty of "normal" people are into kinky stuff, you aren't ruined, you're just incompatible with lots of other people, which isn't that much of a change, cause most of us are incompatible with the vast majority of other people anyway for various reasons (physical attraction, lifestyle differences, yes sexual proclivities, whatever else).

[What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1580053440/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_yDajDbEGWN3FM)

It has a lot of journaling / creative activity ideas to get women thinking about what they want vs what have they been told to want re: relationships, love, and sex.

Firstly, I'm sorry that your mother's input toward you growing up has affected your ability to enjoy this sort of intimacy.

Personal advice, is I think reading more sex-positive resources may help. I will happily plug Oh Joy Sex Joy which is quite obviously NSFW. While it is quite focused on reviewing sex toys, it provides so many other comics about book recommendations, love, acceptance, and experiences that the author, her husband, and guest comics have had.

I've personally read "What You Really, Really Want, and would recommend it.

I don't think you need to worry about leaving. I think you both need to have a bit deeper conversations about all things sex and the connotations and such you each bring to the table. It sounds like she has a lot of negative ideas about sex-related things - oral being gross, doggy style being degrading, etc. She has some work to do to move past those ideas and figure out where those negative opinions came from (if you married as virgins at a young age, I am going to guess religious influence?). Feeling shame can be such a huuuuge barrier towards enjoying sex and I'm wondering if that's more what's going on here. It is such a common thing and just as you said - she's afraid to talk about it with her friends due to embarrassment.

If she (and you, together) can dig deeper together, be open to new things and explore this side of intimacy together while staying relaxed and not feeling shame for it, I wonder if she would enjoy it more.

Also there are some really great books out there that can help her work through it. Sounds like having conversations about it may be too difficult, but perhaps a book with journal prompts type thing could be helpful. I read one 5-6 years ago that was great - I'll try to find the title and link it.

And last thing - have you both explored why her being on top is uncomfortable? Is she in pain? If so, perhaps that is another consideration here. Overall, I think there are several avenues you need to pursue (BC affecting libido, shameful sex influences) before you think about leaving.

Edit: found the link to the book. What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety https://www.amazon.com/dp/1580053440/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_rOpQybK4V4A4V