Reddit reviews When Someone You Love is Kinky

When I was faced with difficult choices, following a so called friend giving me an ultimatum, essentially give up Bdsm or else, I decided to take action. First, I gave them the book : When someone you love is kinky by Dossie Easton


https://www.amazon.co.uk/WHEN-SOMEONE-YOU-LOVE-KINKY/dp/1890159239/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1485571278&sr=8-1&keywords=When+someone+you+love+is+kinky

Synopsis :
One in ten people are involved in bondage, spanking, erotic role-play, body modification or other unconventional lifestyles. Now, for anyone who's ever overheard a conversation, glimpsed a toy, or been startled by a tattoo, there is this book which is a sympathetic and comprehensive handbook for helping you understand the behaviours and lifestyles of people you care about



Second, I decided that "silence is golden" I no longer told my friends about any of my social or relationship activities. I thought is they could not accept me after reading that book, then I would keep it a secret.

That book is written in a non threatening or condescending manner to help explain alternative sexual and allies any fears or worries.

What your girlfriend probably told you is that she has fantasies of being humiliated and dominated.

That's really different from what you heard and told us, that she wants you to dominate and humiliate her.

She is definitely a kinky person. But she's so young and she's been with you since she was an adult that I don't think she has any experience in kink.

Kink shouldn't be done without being very cautious, kink can be personal, difficult and if done wrong, can harm a person both psychologically and physically. Also, consent is a very touchy subject when doing kink and you should thread very carefully.

You should both talk a lot about this, especially if she's not experienced.

I strongly suggest that both of you educate yourself on the subject of kink and domination. There are so many wonderful books on the subject that it can be difficult to start but I suggest:

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - When someone you love is kinky - Greenery Press 2000

A wonderful and thoughtful book that can help many a couple to approach and tackle the difficulties of coming out of the kinky closet.

Jay Wiseman - SM 101, second edition - Greenery Press 1996
A classic in its own right, SM 101 has introduced many generations to the practices and the good manners of doing SM even before the term BDSM came into play. And also, how to ask for consent and all the required safeties needed in kink.

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - The Ethical Slut, A guide to infinite sexual possibilities - Greenery Press 1997
Another ageless classic, mostly about non-monogamic, non-traditional relationships but still a book that can help you understand how discussions and confrontations can be done easily and safely when talking about sex and relationships and similar difficult subjects.

These are the bare minimum. She (and maybe you too) should also sign up on FetLife (https://fetlife.com/) and find others with the same interest, people on Fetlife are always happy to help newcomers (unless you're very rude).
Also, on Fetlife you can see if you can find a munch in your area so that you both can go and talk to other more experience people in an nonthreatening environment.

You could also see if you can go to one of the many BDSM conventions around the country, so that you can both see for yourself how it is done and that kink is possible without feeling (nor being) a horrible person.

So, don't be put off by her not wanting to have sex with you. She's probably thinking that she disgusts you now that she has expressed her "wicked" fantasies.

Also please please PLEASE DO NOT TRY ANYTHING WITH HER WITHOUT FIRST TALKING WITH HER ABOUT IT.

Even if she has asked before, it's still a violence if you don't get consent, explicit and in advance consent for anything that you do to her.

TL;DR
You should both inform yourself by reading the proposed books, signing up in FetLife, going to munches and talking to other experienced people before doing anything in the bedroom.

There's a book, "When someone you love is kinky":
http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
Written by the two who wrote "The New {Topping|Bottoming} Book"

Get the book. For the moment they are freaking out. Hopefully they'll come a bit to their senses and you can talk to them more rationally.

edit: Meanwhile, it doesn't matter if you are into "light" or "heavy" BDSM, those are just labels. Different things freak out different people. It sounds like your relationship with your partner is completely healthy and you are happy with it.

Your parents, otoh, have no frame of reference. Thus the instant jump to child pornography. I suspect it might be because child porn always got tossed in with categories that people were told to hate: "don't let gay people get married, or next someone will want to marry their dog or their child". Here, it's kink. I doubt your parents went through every photo, and hopefully they don't want to. Which means that they are making up the worst. And that leaves you with doing BDSM 101 education to them, not an easy thing since...

Your parents are shocked, and I don't know how they handle shock. Likely their reactions will change. I don't know how quickly, or to what. So I'm not sure what to tell you in terms of bag packing and all. But if you are actually being kicked out, I'd grab all your important papers: social security card, passport, birth certificate, etc. And anything with really strong sentimental value. If you think your parents will get violent, take someone else with you. A peer pressure of sorts of having a witness to their behavior. Which isn't a bad idea in any case.

Right off the bat, "When Someone You Love is Kinky" is a book I would recommend, also here's some links that I found geared more towards the Christian belief system:

http://www.porn-free.org/BDSM_sadomasochism_bondage.htm

http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.ca/p/christian-kink-faq.html

http://www.lavendermagazine.com/uncategorized/christian-bdsm-christian-yes-vanilla-not-necessarily/

http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.ca/p/christian-bdsm.html

There's allot you can do with a simple Google Search, but if you want more "solid" resources then besides the bible you can check out some of the books I've posted on my BDSM Resource Collection.

Anyway good luck,

Cheers.

1. This is a short read. It's targeted towards the non-kinky friends and family of kinky people to address their questions and concerns about BDSM, and it's written by Dossie Easton who is a really well-known BDSM educator and has written some classic BDSM 101 books. http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
   
   This is a great read too, and is written specifically for non-kinky guys whose partner is kinky. I'd start here: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
   
   
2. Yes! This is actually quite common. BDSM is a really broad field of activities, and the people who are interested in it are all very different and unique. Personally, as a submissive female, I find domestic service (cooking, cleaning) somehow is very emotionally fulfilling to me, but not sexual at all. Same with pain/physical punishment. It's actually very difficult for me to get turned on and have an orgasm while I'm in pain -- a punishment session is a totally non-sexual but very enjoyable experience. I actually really dislike sexual activity during a pain/punishment scene.
   
   Anyways, I very much respect you for supporting her in this way! That takes a lot of strength. Jealousy is totally understandable - like the other poster said it may be beneficial to do some research into polyamory. This is not really what you have going on, but that community has a lot to say about how to deal with jealousy, talk to your partner, and communicate your needs to make sure the activities are building up your relationship and not tearing it down.
   
   
3. The typical term is vanilla. As in, you "are vanilla" or you are "a vanilla person". When Someone You Love is Kinky has a really great passage about how the term vanilla was chosen because everyone likes vanilla! Even BDSM people like vanilla.
   
   Anyways, the best thing you can do is what you're doing -- communicate with her, educate yourself. And remember, BDSM people are all about knowing their limits. You have limits too! There are certain things you may or may not be comfortable with, and you certainly have a right to set those limits as long as you've fully educated yourself in them and taken the time to try and understand them from her perspective. And who knows, BDSM encompasses a vast vast field of different activities. Maybe, while learning about BDSM, you'll run across something that piques your interest or you would be comfortable experimenting with. Most people are surprised to find out that something they're already doing is classified as a BDSM activity!

Maybe get him a book, explain that maybe this isn't his thing but it a big part of what makes you tick.

Highlight the benefits of exploring less conventional fantasies, such as more sex and better sex for each of you.

How vanilla can he possibly be? what are his fantasies?

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

Buy a copy of "When Someone You Love is Kinky", and keep it around for an emergency coming out: https://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239

https://www.amazon.co.uk/WHEN-SOMEONE-YOU-LOVE-KINKY/dp/1890159239

If you've tried explaining it to him and he refuses to listen, there's not a whole lot you can do. However, this is a red flag as far as opening your relationship in general goes. If he refuses to listen to you about one thing, what's to say he'll listen about anything else? And furthermore, if he can't trust you to know what the hell you're talking about, how can you expect him to trust you on anything else that nudges him out of his comfort zone?

>he was convinced that anyone who had the mindset to dominate someone, would not be someone he would trust to be intimate with me.

>He was still convinced that anyone with that mindset towards me was not someone he would want me around.

There are good reasons for veto power in poly. The above reasons are not good reasons. They aren't just ignorance; they're willful ignorance because he is consciously refusing to listen to anything other than his own ignorance. And ultimately he doesn't get to decide who you're with--you do. If he's being too controlling in your other relationships, either you might need to choose to be monogamous to him, or you might need to choose to leave him.

This, of course, is all going on the idea that if he's being difficult over this thing, he may be difficult over others. OTOH, if it's just BDSM he's being hinky about, you may have more options. maybe give him a copy of [When Someone You Love is Kinky?}(http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239)

You may want to look into the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky".

I haven't read it, but I will caution that despite writing a number of popular, well-known books Hardy and Easton can be difficult to relate to. They wrote some significant books when they were essentially the only ones writing them, so that attracted a lot of attention. But now they're covering the same topics from the perspective of being queer, upper-middle class Baby Boomers from the Bay Area. Even before you get into personal attitudes (e.g. they tend to be rather spiritual and focus a lot on issues of identity) that's something that a lot of us just aren't going to be able to relate to. And I say that as a mid-thirties kinky San Francisco resident from an upper-middle class background. However, if you take it from a non-dogmatic viewpoint (something that they're actually not always good about themselves, I find they generalize a lot) you might be able to get some good advice about how to handle things.

Really, that's one of the best pieces of advice. BDSM is awash with people stating personal preferences as absolutes. Get a lot of advice from numerous sources and figure out what does and doesn't work for you.

One thing I'm not seeing people talking about here is what you're into. What are your sexual desires and fantasies? Before you can start to focus on someone else's you really need to be in touch with your own. How would you expect to handle a situation where one of them doesn't align with your wife's? For example, the incredibly common male fantasy of a threesome with two women. If your wife isn't interested in women that's probably going to be a bit of a non-starter and it's not like someone can just change their sexual preferences to suit their partner's interests. How would you handle that? How much of your own desires or wants is appropriate to suppress in order to get along with your partner? How essential are those views to you? There aren't many easy answers here, but a lot of personal reflection and understanding. This is something you'll have to each figure out alone and then discuss together.

> Should I bring this up in a non sexual setting or just gently give it a try in bed and see how he responds?

I'd recommend talking about it ahead of time. I think it's important to have informed consent, and he may have issues that would throw him for a loop if you did it and he was unprepared. It's unlikely, but it's possible. I think your explanation is good.

I'm not sure from your post if you're aware that there's a huge set of people in the kink community who have D/s relationships where they have a daddy-daughter (or, less common, but still sometimes mommy-son) type dynamic.

I bring this up because you may want to think about if just using the words is enough for you; will you, if he says yes, and it feels really good, want to take things a step further, perhaps asking him to discipline you if you're "bad" (whether that's strictly in the bedroom or you want it outside of that), etc?

http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239

You could also point toward Dan Savage's columns on "GGG", and I'd certainly think about, and be ready to talk to your SO about how much you "need" this in your sex life. (I've been here, so one of the questions that WILL come up will be the question of if you can enjoy sex with them without it; could you do that forever, or could you do equal time/etc.)

Keep in mind also that some people, depending on upbringing and exposure, might initially have really shocked/repulsed reactions for reasons related to their socialization, but ultimately wind up being very open.

How did it come up that the bruises were from him? Is it still possible to play it off as you got bruised working out / wrestling / moving furniture / anything non BDSM?

If it's not possible to rectify the situation, give your mom some time to breath. She's reacting instinctively at this point, and needs time to get back to being rational.

There's a book I've never read, but heard good things about, called When Someone You Love Is Kinky. It might be worthwhile for you to read that, and share parts of it with your mom once she's willing to talk.

Finally, the best way to prove to your mom that you're okay and healthy is to live your life. Be happy, be healthy, move towards your life goals and be a good person.

I'm getting this book...should arrive today.

https://www.amazon.ca/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239

I'd also suggest When someone you love is kinky by the same author of The Topping Book.

Highly recommend: When Someone You Love Is Kinky

How about instead of 50 Shades tickets (the kink community is not excited about that movie, it's a depiction of abuse not actual BDSM) try This book

>he knows I have friends that engage in BDSM

What does he think of those friends? Does he respect them? Is he accepting? Could any of them give you advice in this situation?

Personally, I think you ought to tell him what you're after, if for no other reason than this: any relationship which can't survive after the people involved bare their deepest feelings and desires to each other probably wasn't going to fulfill those desires any time soon. You deserve to be with someone who can make you happy, and it sounds like this is a part of that; maybe that means staying with this guy, and maybe it doesn't, but you might as well find out.

You might have some luck with the book "When Someone You Love is Kinky" (Amazon). I'd suggest reading it, yourself, and giving it to him if talking things over doesn't go well.

I'd start with When Someone You Love is Kinky by Easton and Liszt and take the conversation from there. See if they'd be at all interested in learning more and taking on a Dom role.

First off, it's really great of you to be sensitive to your friend's feelings. It's awesome that you know what you want and are safe about it.

There is no shame in being into BDSM! Of course, different people react differently to the knowledge that someone they know is on the kinkier side of things.

Here have been my experiences. I was raped for several years as a kid. As an adult, I'm very into BDSM (I really don't think my past experience had anything at all to do with that, it's just how I am). I won't go into the details of my preferences because that's not relevant here, but I'd like to share what helped me explain my lifestyle to those around me.

Earlier this year my dad found marks and bruises, which led to a lot of questions. He wondered, did this have anything to do with my experience as a child? Was I being abused by my partner? Was this related to my struggles with self-injury?

I explained things as best as I could. I'm in a loving, safe, consensual relationship. There is a lot of trust and communication between everyone involved. What I do fulfills me and makes me happy. Finally, I got him this book, When Someone you Love is Kinky. It's a great introduction to those who are more on the vanilla side of things.

If your friend is intelligent and perceptive, then it sounds like she'll understand. Sometimes our feelings don't always align with our thoughts, but sometimes being confronted with things that you know are okay but make you uncomfortable is a great way of pushing past that discomfort. It can lead to greater contentment overall, facing those feelings.

I wish you and your friend the best!