Reddit reviews When Someone You Love Is Kinky

Read these books. I've always been a relatively vanilla guy, and had a minor freakout when the girl I was dating told me she was into BDSM. These books gave me a lot of insight into the community, and why people enjoy the play they enjoy.

Spoiler alert - I wifed the fuck out of that girl.

When Someone you Love is Kinky

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

It's important to read both the topping and bottoming books, regardless of which role you think you'll play. If your gf is not experienced in BDSM, read them together. Discuss.

Holy crap that's a real book!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005HZ6FH0/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Oh I'm going to be buying that soon! Could come in handy for whenever I have to actually come out to my super ultra conservative religious family.

There's a book called "When Someone You Love is Kinky"

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B005HZ6FH0/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

This book will help you understand more and deals with difficult issues like this .

Bio :: About one out of ten Americans is 'kinky': they may enjoy bondage, dressing in special clothes that turn them on, spanking, erotic role-playing, body modification, or any one of a number of other activities that are outside the sexual mainstream.

And each one of them is surrounded by a constellation of friends, lovers, parents, children and co-workers who may feel frightened, concerned, hurt or bewildered by lifestyles they don't understand.

Now, for anyone who's ever overhead a conversation, glimpsed a toy, or been startled by a tattoo, there's When Someone You Love Is Kinky, a sympathetic and comprehensive handbook for helping you understand the behaviors and lifestyles of the people you care about. Therapist Dossie Easton and writer/sex educator Catherine A. Liszt team up once again to help allay your fears and uncertainties and build bridges of communication that will last a lifetime.

I don't see this mentioned in other comments -- you might want to try a "Yes, No, Maybe" list. It might seem awkward or corny, but if you are comfortable with these kinds of conversations, the list itself can be a good time.

Googling will get you everywhere for pre-made lists. You can also make your own. Here's a random collection of lists I found but haven't read.

Hope that's helpful!

EDIT: It's been pointed out to me that you are specifically talking about fantasy. If you don't actually want this stuff in real life, I think it's completely up to you whether or not you disclose your private fantasies.

If you do disclose them, you have the option of making yes/no/maybe lists for things like watching porn together, and what kinds, if you're into that. But that is still different from acting things out in real life.

ALTERNATIVE EDIT: If you actually do want to move towards acting these things out, it's also been pointed out to me that there's a book about this. Good stuff in Chapter 6 about negotiating kinks, including how to do self-made Yes/No/Maybe lists. The book is called When Someone You Love Is Kinky.

It seems more like the roles are muddled. There's always a balance of giving and receiving, and those balances depend on what the individuals find fulfilling. It's totally possible for someone to be a "Service Top", for example, though not as common as a "Service Bottom". I think you're bothered because things seem off-balance.

Three books come to mind, these really helped provide me with language and insight to the roles:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360

http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352

http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky-ebook/dp/B005HZ6FH0