Reddit reviews When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (Shambhala Classics)

This is a great example of why I don't like to trip with other people. You have no idea what will happen and what will send you on a downward spiral.

Okay.

First. No offense, these people sound toxic. You described Jane as a serial cheater. David sounds like a typical party boy whose sole purpose in life is to fuck mad bitches. If he gave you that hint to leave the room then surely that was his intention and you aren't crazy for thinking there was something going on there. Now they both talk about you behind your back so guess what, they don't really care about you. How the hell was Mike (the only sober one) sleeping through all this anyway?

Second, if you did strangle or push Jane or whatever (which it sounds like something did happen) you need to just accept that and move on. You were on drugs and it would be a wake up call that you need to lay off for awhile.

Sorry to say but this is the kind of drama that just doesn't get reconciled. I understand you considered them close friends but any trust has been broken multiple times and it's time to move on. Seek out new hobbies, try to form new friendships, and FORGIVE YOURSELF for your past mistakes. Everyone fucks up. Start meditating, work out, focus on your studies.

I've been reading this book and I think it would help you tremendously as well: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BBXJH2C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1#nav-subnav

Learning to meditate and taking long brisk walks listening to audiobooks. Healthy for body and mind.

Some suggested titles (in no particular order):

Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up

Mindset

When Things Fall apart

12 Rules for Life

Let your life speak

There are some great podcasts too... listen and walk,... walk and listen

I am sending so much love and encouragement! The same thing happened to me when I gained 50 lbs, I was comfort binging because my anxiety was completely killing me and I had very terrible coping mechanisms. Getting a handle on your mental health and learning how to heal is very, very important.

What I found very effective for me was to do somatic therapy/meditation, since my anxiety manifests as physical symptoms like yours. https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/09/12/how-somatic-therapy-can-help-patients-suffering-from-psychological-trauma/

There's also Dialectical Behavirol Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which helps a lot.

http://dbtselfhelp.com

http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/acceptance-commitment-therapy

And these books helped me SOO much. https://www.amazon.com/How-Wake-Up-Buddhist-Inspired-Navigating-ebook/dp/B00EGWFMA6/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1492469638&sr=1-1&keywords=how%20to%20wake%20up

https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult-ebook/dp/B00BBXJH2C/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1496090170&sr=1-1&keywords=when+things+fall+apart

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron.

I hope you feel much better soon.

I recommend reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. She does a great job of explaining how to work with depression and other negative emotions through meditation. I wish I would have read it back when I was in college, or earlier, as I struggled a lot with anxiety and depression during those years.

That's the ebb and flow of being human, too.

I love books by Pema Chodren, https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BBXJH2C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

or Tara Brach
https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Tara-Brach-ebook/dp/B000FC2NHG/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1541291797&sr=1-1&keywords=tara+brach

they remind me that the uncertainty is normal.

I don't claim to have all of the answers, and I'm not sure what has worked for me will work for you, however something that has offered some awareness, some solace, is the book, "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chödrön. This book speaks about fear in a very different way.

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Some Quotes that may help you:

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• When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. There is kind of testing and also a kind of healing.
  
• Fear is a natural reaction of moving closer to the truth. If we commit ourselves to staying right hwere we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.
  
• What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with it, looking it right in the eye --- not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and thinking. the truth is that when we really begin to do this, we are going to be continually humbled. There's not going to be much room for the arrogance that holding on to ideals can bring.
  
• When things fall apart and we're on the verge of we know not what, the test for each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize. The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that's really swell. In fact, that way of looking at things is what keeps ups miserable. Thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain is what in Buddhism is called samsara, a hopeless cycle that goes round and round endlessly and causes us to suffer greatly. The first noble truth of the Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last - that they don't disintegrate or that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security. From this point of view, the only time we ever know what's really going on is when the rug's been pulled out and we can't find anywhere to land. We use these situations either to wake ourselves up or put ourselves to sleep. Right now-- in the very instant of groundlessness -- is the seed of taking care of those who need our care and discovering our goodness.
  
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  I hope this helps, and brings you some peace. If you'd like to talk more, I'd love to! message me.
  
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Honestly just talking feels good. Say that everyone has messed-up thoughts sometimes, and that thoughts are ghosts and can't hurt you and to just stay in the moment. Also as mentioned just do something fun to take his mind off it.

Also you could get him this book. Tell him a guy on reddit said it was the most helpful thing he's read

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BBXJH2C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1#nav-subnav

The first hurdle you need to jump is to realize that your wife is not your problem. She is someone who doesn't want to be better. You've been married for 15 years, if she wanted to be better, things would be better.

The fact that you are posting here tells me that you want to be better, and you are willing to grow and change.

One thing that has helped me on my path is mindfulness meditation. I used to be a jumble where my inner self was not connected to my outer self. I would be hurting, and afraid, and in pain, but on the outside I would convince myself that everything is fine. The people that hurt me are good people, and here are my excuses for them.

Here are four books from a buddhist monk that have been very helpful to me:

http://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-No-Escape-Path-Loving-Kindness-ebook/dp/B00BBXJH5Y/

http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult-ebook/dp/B00BBXJH2C/

http://www.amazon.com/Start-Where-You-Are-Compassionate-ebook/dp/B00BPE414Q/

http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Leap-Freeing-Ourselves-Habits-ebook/dp/B0041VYNVG/

And here's another good one from a navy seal to mix things up:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0738215686/

I'll be honest, most people don't escape abuse. It's one of the hardest things to do, because people who will put up with the abuse lack the qualities that will help them escape. Why do people stay in abuse? Fear, lack of self esteem, lack of self respect. Not every thing is her fault. After 15 years, you know who and what she is better than anyone, and if that is unacceptable, you need to start taking some blame for not leaving. Ask yourself why you don't respect yourself enough to leave. Ask yourself why you being happy, or not living in constant terror isn't important enough to leave over.

You've vented, you've ranted, you've gotten a lot of advice and encouragement. Maybe you feel better, maybe you feel like you "got it all out" and now you can go back and cope better with your shitty situation. Next time she's awful, you'll go work it out at the gym, or have a night with the guys, or however else you cope. It's what I used to do when I felt trapped in an awful situation.

You say "my heart is in the right place" or "her heart is in the right place". That's bullshit and it is an excuse. If your heart was in the right place you would be loving yourself as much as you love others, and if your wife's heart was in the right place she would be putting as much effort into this relationship as you are - she would want to be an amazing wife to you.

You say she has been an all around great mother. Does an all around great mother actively get the children involved to monitor her husband's masturbation habits? That's so inappropriate that it is mind blowing.

It is ok to say she hurts you. It is ok to say she does bad things. You don't need to make excuses for her behavior. She is a grow woman and accountable for her actions and behaviors.

Go look up "Learned Helplessness" on wikipedia and digest that.

It might seem all doom and gloom, but you are at a great starting point. It sounds like you have a ton of family which already sees things you don't see in your wife. Confide in your most trusted, closest one. Tell that person "I want to get my life back together, and that means I divorce my wife." I am sure you will have a positive reaction. You have a support network. You have a well paying job. You are in a good position to really discover yourself and start over.

Imagine yourself TRULY happy, try and imagine what that would look like for you, and ask yourself if you love and respect yourself enough for that to be something to fight for. If it's not, then learn to love yourself until the fight IS worth it.

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (Shambhala Classics) by Pema Chodron http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BBXJH2C/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_dbZjub15FCCNN

I'm not Buddhist but this book touched me deeply in a moment I was completely lost. If your looking for peace this book is a wonderful place to start

Happy to help! A few links to get you started:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609809539/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_HEheAb4BZK6XS

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BBXJH2C/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_FIheAbDT1FDCR

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HEN3JHW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_hJheAb7V76CNX