Reddit reviews Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change

Hi,

I have the same problem as you. 5 awful relationships later I had 6 months living alone, only with myself and then I bought this book: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216

I managed to figure out why I was attracted to unstable men. And now I'm working on getting used to being with a good, considerate man.

I would share my story here, but it will make this comment too long. And this is not about me, it is about you. Talking about this with someone helps a lot. Contact me privately if you want to talk about it and share your experience and I'll share my own. But first, read that book. It will help you a lot.

Hey, it’s been 6 months for me and I recently started reading the book Women who love too much, the process of accepting I fit this book’s premise so well is painful, but acceptance will bring freedom and I am trying to heal so that I can learn from this pain. I highly recommend the book. Leaving you the link here: Women Who Love Too Much: When You... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1416550216?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

I wish there were some easy words of encouragement to your situation, I really do. But failing that, I want to to put out to you a few things. I'm sorry this is so long, it's hard for me to be concise about this.

For some context:

You sound exactly like me a year ago, when when my ex and I were breaking up.

He was incredibly similar to yours, unable to apologise, accept any blame, and turning to alcohol to get away from our/his problems. Seeing me upset would make him angry, not sad or caring or protective or worried as one would expect from someone I've trusted my whole heart to. Disagreements constantly turned into arguments, because he always had to be right and was not at all open to hearing my side.

I cried nearly every night for months and I'm shocked neighbours never called the police, hearing our screaming matches and my cries for his attention and love. I have literally sat on my bathroom floor for hours, wailing at him to come hug me and tell me he loves me with the door open, while he sat 5 feet away at the desk playing a video game.

I've had nervous breakdowns, I've had exams that I did not sleep for 2 days before because we were up arguing all night. I've been called every name in the book, given the silent treatment and cold shoulder, and told to fuck off.

I've shared a tiny studio apartment with a man who could barely look at me. I finished an entire degree unable to talk to my partner about my thesis, because we would get into a huge argument about the basic definition of my field before we ever even got more specific (I studied it for years and yet could never convince him that my definition was more accurate than his).

I have threatened suicide to get his attention and drained my entire energy supply to try to make a chronically depressed, stubborn man happy. I thought I was "too difficult", that I was "irrationally emotional", that I wasn't doing enough of something or too much of another.

I tried desperately to be what he wanted me to be, but some sacrifices just became too big (for me, among a few other factors, the breaking point was when he asked me to give up my dream career opportunity to support him through an educational plan that he was making absolutely zero steps towards accomplishing).

Eventually, I had to admit what you just did - that he never really loved me. I'm not sure he knows what healthy love is supposed to look like, although I'm not even sure I do at this point. It was just endless circles of me needing the validation of his love and him withdrawing it further and further.

And yet, it's hard to break that cycle, because that had always been the relationship dynamic. I spent years trying to fit into the box he outlined for me and by the end, I was bursting through at every edge fighting my own mind and body on trying to become myself so that I could be what he wanted me to be instead.


This is what you need to remember when it gets difficult:

It was never on you to try to fix things, to bend to his every whim. That's what you tried to do, because you want to support him and be a good partner. Even in your email to him, you end by saying what you want for him, not what you want for yourself.

It's going to be a long and difficult road after this until you realise you don't owe him anything. You will probably get very angry with him once the sadness subsides. Then you might get angry at yourself when it hits you just how awfully he treated you. But the anger will subside too and what you'll have left is a whole lot of things you learned about yourself.

You mention feeling like you're losing yourself in this - you are, and living that way barely constitutes as a life. Eventually, you will discover who you were, are, and will be beyond this relationship that's defined you for too long.


Thoughts that help pull you through:

Reminding yourself that you two were meant to be equal partners, adults in a relationship. He was meant to meet you in the middle, not stay in his corner while you constantly tried to reach as far across to his side as you could to make up for his lack of movement.

He failed you and your relationship, because he is not a person who can have a healthy relationship. This is not something anyone but he can fix and even that will require therapy and time and effort that he may never be willing to put in. That is his problem and loss. It is not on you.

Also, keep talking to your friend. She sounds amazing and I never would have made it without mine to support me. Hopefully she can remind you to forget thoughts like
>I wish I could help him. I want him to see that he doesn't have to be alone & that he can be happy with someone.
whenever they start creeping back.

They are not the thoughts of healthy good wishes for an ex, they're the thoughts of someone too emotionally beaten and exhausted to put herself first.

You are also NOT "irrational" or "crazy" or "too emotional". Any of those phrases are just brushing your feelings aside and implying that his thoughts and views are superior to yours. That was a really difficult one for me to grasp and I hope you're able to come to understand that you are not irrational. Just because you disagree with him or he hurts you and he doesn't see why it hurts doesn't make you irrational, it just makes him unable to empathise or consider your view as equal to his.



Much of what he is doing (esp re: arguing instead of discussing disagreements, giving you the cold shoulder to guilt you, saying vile things to try to break you) is emotional abuse. I know the term sucks to see applied to your own situation, but it is. He is an abuser. And it doesn't matter in the slightest how he got that way, there are no excuses for that.


You're doing the right thing by leaving him.

I would recommend getting your hands on the book Women Who Love Too Much as soon as possible. I only read it recently, but it has already changed my outlook on the relationship that still haunted me even though it was over long ago (and also on how I approach romantic love in general). It's just a starting point, but a very helpful one to reframe your relationship in your mind and put it into a healthy context that finally puts your experience at the centre. Incidentally and not surprisingly, it seems many children of alcoholics end up "loving too much" (the book discusses this a lot).


I know I wasn't very specific with my details in this post, but I was just trying to get across that you are not alone feeling this way, going through this, and having these conflicting experiences and emotions.


If you ever feel the need to just blurt everything out to someone completely removed from the situation, feel free to pm me. I'm happy to share my experience, help you tease out yours, talk through your options for getting away, or just listen silently.


Either way, best of luck, you're making a great decision for future you.

Very important final note: you are not admitting "defeat" by this, you are actually claiming victory here. I'm sure it's difficult to stop trying after so long of doing nothing but. But you are doing what is right for you and finally taking care of yourself first, which is a habit you will need to cultivate to recover and move on to a healthy, happy life.

Stop loving her. What she did is awful.

If I can recommend a book, try to read Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change . It works for men too (a lot of men actually read it).
It's a life changing book.

It's hard to leave when you want to help someone, to stick it out, or make it better. According to Dr. Phil (lame, I know, but for some reason it stuck with me), "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

Read this book, it did wonders for me: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

I highly recommend the books Be Your Own Dating Service: A Step-By-Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships and Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change.

FWIW, I met my wife when she was 35, and we're very happy together. A 'dating fast' sounds like a great idea, to me.

He sounds like a piece of work. Blech. Sounds like an ex of mine. I highly recommend this book, this woman's writing was really what got me through the initial pain and trauma of that breakup (with a serial liar and cheater): https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

Expect to take some time with it, there are a lot of writing and journaling exercises. But I know that it really helped me when I was in your shoes (2009-2010).

Once you've finished with that, I would also recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216

here's the link

https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216

Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change

https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2784K53C10DU&keywords=women+who+love+too+much&qid=1574463655&sprefix=women+who+love+too+%2Caps%2C311&sr=8-1

-The Situational Therapist