Best books about personality disorders according to redditors

We found 294 Reddit comments discussing the best books about personality disorders. We ranked the 65 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.

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Top Reddit comments about Personality Disorders:

u/8365815 · 61 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Honey, your husband might very well be a Narcissist in his own right.

Let's take it step by step in this, because he fucked up by the numbers:

First of all, it is NORMAL to celebrate wedding anniversaries. Even if someone has to work, loving couples will raincheck the celebration. Anniversaries are MILESTONES. They are also a chance to look back, recommit, reaffirm the love and the relationship. Remember how the vows say love and cherish? This is not loving, or cherishing. This is DISRESPECTFUL of you as a human being, and of the Marriage itself.

SO, he chose a work shift over you anniversary. EVEN if money is tight to the point of foodstamps, there are 365 days in a year, and he could have picked up extra shifts on any of them. He could drive Uber. He could sell blood... what I'm saying is, he chose not to make this a priority. And that hurt your feelings. Guess what? Those were a legitimate emotional response. YOU GET TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. I'm an objective stranger on the internet, and I'm gonna tell ya - he was HURTFUL. You were HURT.

You had every right to cry and have at him over this. But you didn't... you shut yourself up and shut yourself down and dealt with your emotional processing privately by some self care. Then, without HIM having to deal with even one molecule of actual negativity from you, over his asshole choice, you texted him back, accepting the shit he was pulling.

And he adds to the injury by STATING he doesn't care. Honey, have you heard of the manipulation tactic of instigate-and-feign-ignorance? Because he just pulled it. THIS was what really outed him as having ZERO EMPATHY.

And I get your side:
>I know. And I don't want to do it if you don't want to. It would only be fun to celebrate if we both really wanted it.

Yeah, because when he doesn't want to do something, he makes sure he sucks all the joy out of it, finds ways to shit on it and spoil it for you, doens't he? This ain't yru first rodeo, dealing with this bullshit. You're already becoming numb and frozen, that "learned hopelessness" response. You know "what he'll be like" if you try to get your needs met. Will he pull the suffering martyr routine? The begrudging bratty pout? The "you promised me a great time and this sucks" attitude? ( You do all the work of planning, get excited, and then he pops your bubble of joy as a punishment while the Thing is happening, so by the time you get home all the work you put into the Thing was so not worth it after all... lesson learned, you've been trained, you'll hesitate before trying that again.)

He then used the manipulation technique of PROJECTION to turn it around and call YOU "passive aggressive" - up, you were not passive aggressive, or any kind of aggressive, at all. You had feelings, You are human. You were disappointed because the situation is hurtful and disappointing and he chose that instead of honoring you like he promised to on the wedding day.

>I was really irritated and typed: "Actually I don't. I got upset but now I am calm again."

>And he got really angry and said he wasn't buying into my bullshit, I was guilt tripping him by making him feel like he wouldn't give a crap about me and the relationship.

However, his angry reaction, that you are genuinely confused by? This is yet a fresh, new form of covert manipulation that Narcissists use. Anger. Directed at you. For daring to show the slightest expression of PERSONHOOD. Like you are only allowed to exist in a way he is pleased by, that he decides yoru thoughts, feelings, and your right to express them... or he gets angry. How dare his toy not smile and tell him how great he is?

Honey, this is NOT about the ACTUAL ANNIVERSARY. It is aobut a power imbalance in your relationship. It is about your partner not fulfilling your very reasonable, very normal emotional needs - and telling you he has no desire to ever do that, that he doesn't care, and that if you express any dissatisfaction about this status quo, he will verbally and emotionally blackmail you. This is not a nurturing, healthy, relationship. You have a right in your marriage to get your own needs met, to expect reciprocity, to be able to speak your truth and have it understood and validated.

Two Books:

Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare


Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts

u/illisson · 31 pointsr/ftm

Oh jesus christ. I am so, so sorry that your mother is pulling this manipulative and abusive bullshit.

And that's exactly what it is: manipulative and abusive bullshit. I don't know if anyone's recommended you check out r/raisedbynarcissists yet, but please consider doing it. You'll find a huge community of people with parents who have Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders (among others), sharing stories and getting support for situations very much like yours. This whole "I'm going to kill myself because of you" scheme is a common one. My grandmother is Borderline, and she royally fucked my family with these kinds of threats and other abusive, manipulative behaviors.

One thing that's helped me significantly (both to understand how my grandmother's mind works, how to deal with her, and how to navigate the fuckery she's made of the family) is reading books like "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I've also been in therapy with someone who specializes in dealing with borderline people, even though I'm not borderline myself. I 100% advocate doing research and seeking advice from therapists about your situation.

And please know that nothing your mother does is your fault. You don't deserve this kind of treatment, and you shouldn't let her convince you that everyone would be better off without you. Because she's absolutely and completely wrong.

u/1nfiniterealities · 28 pointsr/socialwork

Texts and Reference Books

Days in the Lives of Social Workers


Child Development, Third Edition: A Practitioner's Guide

Racial and Ethnic Groups

Social Work Documentation: A Guide to Strengthening Your Case Recording

Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond

[Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life]

Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model

[The Clinical Assessment Workbook: Balancing Strengths and Differential Diagnosis]

Helping Abused and Traumatized Children

Essential Research Methods for Social Work

Navigating Human Service Organizations

Privilege: A Reader

Play Therapy with Children in Crisis

The Color of Hope: People of Color Mental Health Narratives

The School Counseling and School Social Work Treatment Planner

Streets of Hope : The Fall and Rise of an Urban Neighborhood

Deviant Behavior

Social Work with Older Adults

The Aging Networks: A Guide to Programs and Services

[Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice]

Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy

Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change

Ethnicity and Family Therapy

Human Behavior in the Social Environment: Perspectives on Development and the Life Course

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Generalist Social Work Practice: An Empowering Approach

Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents

DBT Skills Manual

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets

Social Welfare: A History of the American Response to Need


[A People’s History of the United States]

The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Tuesdays with Morrie

The Death Class <- This one is based off of a course I took at my undergrad university

The Quiet Room

Girl, Interrupted

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Flowers for Algernon

Of Mice and Men

A Child Called It

Go Ask Alice

Under the Udala Trees

Prozac Nation

It's Kind of a Funny Story

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Yellow Wallpaper

The Bell Jar

The Outsiders

To Kill a Mockingbird

u/sugar_bottom · 26 pointsr/TumblrInAction

Stable BPD here. Yes, I was abusive to my SO when I was undiagnosed and untreated. However, that doesn't mean I'm some sort of heartless evil human being.

See, the problem is, SJWs see abusers as evil. They live in a black or white world, where you're either good or evil. This is not accurate- the world is shades of grey.

It wasn't my fault I was abusive to my SO. I was extremely sick and dealing with extreme, chronic emotional pain the only way I knew how. I did not intend to hurt anyone and was reacting to what I perceived my reality to be. That also doesn't mean I didn't hurt people.

The dialectic! Things can be good and bad at the same time.

Stop Walking On Eggshells was a very difficult read and I do not recommend it to anyone. It was updated recently to be less discriminatory towards BPD (the older version perpetrated the myth that BPD is untreatable and incurable). I still don't like it much. I Hate You - Don't Leave Me and Sometimes I Act Crazy are much better alternatives.

This is the best book on BPD I've ever read.

u/BlueHairedBastards · 25 pointsr/ShaneDawson
Also this is my first time posting on this subreddit so sorry if this is wrong format. I'm honestly over Kati already.

u/TheBeneGesseritWitch · 23 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Cats are nice I guess.

But they have litter boxes.

I prefer my dog...

I have been lurking here for about three months, since my therapist gave me the book Understanding The Borderline Mother and everything came into sharp clarity.

Last week my mother argued with me and said to my father (who was in the room as a referee, useless ass that he is) “the root of all our conflict is because u/thebenegesseritwitch insists! on setting boundaries!! Whenever she disagrees with me it is just so disrespectful!

I was dumbfounded that she actually vocalized that in her world setting boundaries and expressing a different opinion = disrespect.

She seemed to realize how absurd she sounded and tried to shift the focus from me/my boundaries/her lack of respecting my boundaries/ to a more global dislike of boundaries. She went off on a rant about how boundaries are the reason the millennials have so many problems and how boundaries are why the country is in such a horrible state these days. (and to his credit my father did ask about five or six times “so when BGW disagrees with you, you automatically feel disrespected, even though as a grown adult in her own house, she is allowed to disagree with you?” “So you take offense simply because she disagrees with you?” She tried to avoid answering, because I do think she was having some cognitive dissonance....and when she did it was always “no she’s allowed her own opinion of course but it is just so hurtful since I’m coming from a place of love! I would never have disagreed with my mother, so yes I’m hurt and offended that BGW disrespects me by holding to different opinions!”)

I told my dad later that her ability to vocalize her issues with me setting boundaries while simultaneously holding to her willful inability to recognize how fucked up her thinking is about boundaries terrifies me.

ANYWAY. All that to say, thank you for this. I’m sending it to my sister.

u/The_Secret_Hater · 21 pointsr/CringeAnarchy

>Gender is not biologically structured

Source: tumblr and some liberal arts professor.

Bullshit. Gender is a product of a specific behavioral center in the brain being conditioned by the balance of test and estrogen in utero. That's why real transgender people exist: sometimes the balance swings them in the direction that opposed their chromosomes.

My source:

u/gjbloom · 20 pointsr/atheism

The Three Christs of Ypsilanti is about an experiment where a psychologist gathers three paranoid schizophrenics who are each convinced they are Jesus Christ, to see how they resolve which of them really is.

u/RaRaRaV1 · 19 pointsr/BPD

Hi! I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, it sounds like you're going through a lot of emotions related to her.

The go to treatment for people with bpd is dialectical behavioral therapy, or otherwise known as DBT. I very much recommend that you try to get your daughter into a DBT program. As for how to deal with her, I think the validation section of the dbt workbook would be incredibly helpful for you, and also interpersonal skills such as SET and DEAR MAN.

Best of luck to you and your daughter!

u/questionsnanswers · 16 pointsr/dbtselfhelp

In a nutshell, DBT therapy is a tailored program that was developed by Marsha Linehan (who had BPD as a youth) It teaches you skills in order to deal / cope with intense emotions that lead to impulsive behavior (ie: self injury, gambling, binge eating, risky sex, dangerous driving, reckless spending, etc) These skills are helpful for anyone who has intense emotions that lead to self destructive behavior and help you not escalate.

The core skill that is taught through the program is mindfulness. All that is, is being aware. Knowing what you're doing. Noticing that you might be making things worse, or noticing that your environment isn't that healthy. Mindfulness helps you stay in the here and now and is taught in some form in each class (or should be.)

Other skills taught deal with emotion regulation (not making things worse), interpersonal relationships (dealing with people), and dialectics (in that.. something can be multisided. ie: you can have a bad experience AND you can take something good away from that)

Usually DBT is taught in a group setting but may also be taught one on one. The groups last anywhere from 12 weeks (which really is too brief unless it's an intesive daily course) for up to a year. The group dynamic can be helpful in that you learn how others handle the issues they encounter.

Diary cards are filled out daily in order to track your mood and pinpoint triggers. Diary cards also help you notice patterns of behavior. (ie: every day at 3pm I get miserable because I'm hungry and dinner is 3 hours away)

Hope that helps explain it. :)

You can check this link in order to help find a trained DBT therapist in your area (USA only I believe)

Or Marsha Linehans books, Worksheets / Handouts., Training Manual (mostly for therapists but it explains the concepts of DBT) or you can get The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook which is more inclusive with worksheets and concepts explained.

u/Kaywin · 14 pointsr/xxfitness

TL;DR Dieting and fasting changed the appearance of, but did not solve, my disordered eating, food addiction, or food obsessions. No matter what, make sure you are being gentle and kind to yourself!

Personally, I turned to keto as a solution for my binge eating issues - One can only eat so much straight butter before one really feels 'done' after all ;) - but I recently saw a post on one of the keto subreddits that may resonate with you. The post suggested that "solving" disordered eating via a restrictive diet wasn't really a "fix" for those disordered attitudes towards food. Instead it's like a floppy band-aid: it might work at first but you have to heal the underlying wound, band-aid or no. And I'll be damned if for me, that wasn't absolutely right. I have had to be honest with myself: For some of the 3 or so years that I've been eating keto, my disordered eating didn't disappear, it only looked different. Since I started keto, it has looked like obsessive thoughts about food with sprinkled instances of my previous disordered patterns. I thought perhaps this would resonate for you with what you mentioned about ending your fast with a candy binge.

For me, I'm now experiencing a tension between "I would prefer to reduce my carbs to keto levels because I legitimately do feel better physically and physiologically when I don't eat carbs on a regular basis" and "but demonizing carbs hasn't actually caused me to recover, and I still turn to food for things that really aren't about hunger or nourishment." It's a fine line: I found myself obsessing over keto just as much as I had ever obsessed about food while in the throes of my unhelpful eating patterns.

Since this realization, I've found a couple tools that I hope will be useful. One is that I have cultivated the habit of using a handful of mood and behavior tracker apps, which help me be honest and mindful about how I am feeling on a given day. Pacifica is popular, and I also use BoosterBuddy. Booster Buddy prompts you to do 3 self-care tasks each day. It sounds trivial, but for some reason it really does lead me to be mindful of ways I can nurture myself, and ultimately I find I nurture myself more often and more effectively. Trackers won't by themselves cause your food obsessions to go away, of course - but I've been finding that if I start my day with a couple gentle, low-investment nudges towards self-care, then other good things tend to follow.

Another tool I'm using is DBT (dialectal behavior therapy.) Basically, it is a behavior-based therapy that is rooted in mindfulness without judgment of self or others. It has a few core tenets, which include the idea that 1. all behaviors are caused and 2. everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have at any given time. You might be able to find DBT groups locally (and I really do recommend them in a group setting!) or you might be able to find a therapist for DBT one-on-one. I'm hopeful that an honest look at the role of my eating habits will enable me to find more effective solutions to the problems for which I have been using food. This is the specific tool that I used during my first experiences with DBT. It's meant to be used in a therapy setting, but I'm trying it out by myself. It includes worksheets to help you identify the specific patterns you are trying to change, as well as alternative strategies for situations that might trigger problem eating. DBT has been found to be effective for many folks with eating disorders.

Sorry for the wall - I really empathize with what you have written. For what it's worth, I believe in your ability to move through your eating disorder with compassion and in a way that feels good to you. :)

u/LDR-Lover · 12 pointsr/BPD

I'm reading "Sometimes I Act Crazy" right now and thought this passage might give you some comfort:


"Trapped in a maze of inconsistent images, the borderline is unable to form a constant, predictable sense of self and the world; unlike the healthy child, the borderline is unable to establish a healthy object constancy -- a reliable, comforting, internalized image of her world -- that she can use to soothe herself in time of stress. Instead, she needs the presence of others to reassure and comfort her."


The passage also has an anecdote about a woman named Arleen (who has BPD) where she is quoted to say, "I feel I really couldn't be myself without another person to reflect on."

u/madpiratebippy · 12 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Tell her she's doing the right thing. A lot. She should not let someone abuse her, she is a mother now herself and it's not her job to let her Mom hurt her so that she can manage her life- she has her own kids that need her time, attention, love, and money, Her Mom isn't all alone at this point because she's some poor, sad, abandoned waif- she hurt everyone who ever loved her over and over again until they had to walk away for their own safety!

AKA play bitch games, win bitch prizes.

If appropriate, please send her my post history- even as awful as Fucking Linda was I still wavered and almost broke NC. That might help, seeing how hard it really is, that she's not weak for wanting a Mom, but the person who should have done that for her left a Mom-shaped hole inside of her, and it sucks and it's not fair, but it's OK at the same time.

I have my reading list I'll post, you can get her these books, with an extra suggestion for her:

Understanding the Borderline Mother this one, read the reviews- it's why I thought of your sister. Lots of "I was finally able to let go and realize I'm not bad, and it wasn't me!"

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

  1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

    If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
u/vvwwvwvwv · 12 pointsr/BabyBumps

He's a piece of shit, not you. You're lucky he didn't propose, makes it just a bit easier to get out eventually. I know that's common advice, but it's always really really hard to actually leave. You should think about what you're getting out of the relationship... and unfortunately he sounds bitter and resentful for some reason, and changing people's minds is a very difficult task. You can sacrifice yourself so much, but they'll never change.

Don't worry about the sunk-cost fallacy of relationships, and even leaving after years isn't a waste. My biggest advice, in any case, is read this book:

Helps to organize your thoughts and feelings and blame yourself less, and give you more confidence. You don't deserve to feel like this and be put to tears by this man!

u/riggamaurice · 11 pointsr/BPD

When ever this comes up, I recommend Borderline Personality Disorder: New Reasons for Hope, published by Johns Hopkins Medical School, as being more scientific.

There's been a lot of research on BPD in the last 10 years, and a much more nuanced understanding emerges from that than from self-help books.

u/bunnylover726 · 11 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

The thought of keeping a relationship with this woman makes me bristle, but, I know of two books off the top of my head that talk about juggling a relationship with this sort of woman. The first is The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd Ed. It has a section on advice for how to maintain a relationship without letting yourself be trampled and without just going NC.

The other, is Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. It's expensive on Amazon, but check thriftbooks and half price books online if you're interested. IDK what HotWheels' issues can be attributed to, but even if she doesn't have the disorder, the book devotes four entire chapters to maintaining a relationship with a dysfunctional mother who won't change without getting your boundaries trampled.

Some people might recommend Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, but in her section on maintaining contact with people, the people who are doing the abusing are more just misguided than fundamentally broken like HW. I don't think Forward's techniques would be enough to keep your boundaries intact, but if you're a fast reader, it's another volume that gives advice on maintaining contact without losing yourself.

I've written before about when I was still in contact with my own parents. Structured contact is your friend. Meet in public places. Have a big audience, like in the middle of an Olive Garden or something. Carry cash- that way if shit hits the fan, you can hand cash to your server or the host before walking out to leave. Activities are a good bet- things like the zoo, where the focus is on the animals and not on HW. That's just one example.

Anyway, best of luck to you. I know this sub screams "NC!!!!" a lot, because we've been hurt trying to keep contact. But since you seem to want a relationship with your mother-in-law, take a look at the tools outlined in the books above.

u/jplewicke · 9 pointsr/slatestarcodex

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

  • Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.

  • Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.

    Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!
u/splanchnick78 · 9 pointsr/TeenMomOGandTeenMom2

I think for most people some parts are obvious but it would be easier if we all knew it and used it as a playbook. If you’re interested you can find the workbook on Amazon: DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

I went through it as part of treatment for an eating disorder, although less formally than usual. I think traditionally you do a lot of group meetings in a short, intensive period of time. But reading it at my own pace is helpful too.

Edited to add: the interpersonal skills section is essentially exactly like what my company pays good money for someone to come and teach us as “leadership training”

u/wanttohelpher503 · 8 pointsr/relationships

I'm engaged to a woman with BPD, so I know where you're coming from. If she's looking for ways to treat it, definitely DBT is a great option that will help her learn to regulate her emotions. There are also other clinically-validated treatment options, including Mindfulness-Based Therapy, Schema Therapy, Mentalization-Based Therapy, and Transferance-Based Therapy.

As for your end, a little bit of reading up can be invaluable. I would start by reading When Hope is Not Enough, then check out Stop Walking on Eggshells and Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. All three are geared toward family/friends of people with BPD, and will give you great advice on:

  1. using validation, normalization, and other techniques to ease her emotional pain

  2. setting boundaries and other techniques to make sure you don't become overwhelmed by her moods and behaviors

  3. understanding the underlying psychological mechanisms to avoid triggering/invalidating her
u/Cfpod · 8 pointsr/Documentaries

I've read like 4 or 5 books on sociopaths. Of all of them, that one is the most bullshit. It's written by a journalist who just wanted to make headlines with his book. It's sensationalist as hell.

Have you read it? Its tabloid trash. Here is a far better book on the subject (while still being engaging):

Edit: And from the wiki link:

>The Society for the Scientific Study of Psychopathy (SSSP) published a statement – signed by some of the scientists featured in Ronson's book, including Robert D. Hare and Essi Viding – stating that certain interviews in it were exaggerated or fictionalised and that they "think that Ronson's book trivializes a serious personality disorder and its measurement, which is not helpful to those who have the disorder or to their unfortunate victims". Others complaints focused on Ronson's point of view which complainants thought was very one-sided throughout the book

u/kalechipsyes · 7 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

You very clearly need a break.

You may end up facing charges if she chooses to file. That cannot be helped at this point.

But, none of this changes the fact that you got there through severe abuse, and need to get out. Let this be a wake-up call. Don't let yourself get driven to this point again.

Find some way to detach. Find an outlet for the anger. Find an outlet for the sadness, and someone to hear your story. Begin detaching the hooks she has in you and allow yourself to focus your life on finding peace, in whatever form it comes. Likely, you need NC if things are this bad.

You can take responsibility for something that you did that was wrong, while still also being the victim of something, yourself. That's allowed, and does not reduce either. Things are not black-and-white in the real world. But, you need to take responsibility for your own needs and feelings, and learn to fulfill them in a healthy way, if you are ever going to heal - that means getting the help that you need and breaking that drama triangle, even if that requires physically removing yourself from the situation.

Just remember, always:

You are, fundamentally, good.

(edit: added another link).

u/starbuckles · 7 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.

For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother

This NPD website

For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Adult Children of Abusive Parents

And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living

Complex PTSD

You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.

This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!

My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?

Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.

u/GetYerThumOutMeArse · 7 pointsr/BPDmemes

I attended DBT through my mental health care provider. However, there are lots of online resources for DBT.

General overview of DBT, as presented by mind. (this link has lots of mental health resources, but to get specifically to DBT, look in the folder marked "Treatment, Therapy, and Medication.") (the link to purchase this book is below)

There's also YouTube videos (this playlist is good: (or search for DBT skills and/or Marsha Linehan).

On Pinterest at:

You can also order the books online.

This is the book linked earlier in the thread.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

This is the manual/workbook that I have. DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

This is the clinical training manual my DBt therapists use. DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition

There are also Facebook peer support pages and groups.

If you're wanting to go at it alone, finding someone who has already been through it to guide and with you might be a lot more helpful. I am available anytime to answer questions and help someone start. I've been through the DBT "cycle" almost 3 times now, because the facility I attend does not currently offer "maintenance level" support. I also enjoy the feeling of support and camaraderie.

In the beginning, DBT can seem stupid, confusing, redundant, or even silly. Stick with it. Do your homework if you're in a group. Do a diary card daily, even in the beginning, even if you don't get it. If you're not in a group but have a peer counselor, ask for homework!

Hope this helps!

Edit: thank you for the platinum! What an honor.

u/Fighting4MyFreedom · 6 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I'm so sorry. This sounds so painful. She sounds sadistic. BPD manifests somewhat differently in every person. Have you read this book: Understanding The Borderline Mother? She describes a "Witch mother" archetype who is sadistic. My mom definitely falls into this category. She was violently physically abusive when I was a small child.
So you're story is not unique. My mom used me as an emotional garbage disposal for her toxic feelings of rage and disgust but she wouldn't call me if she lands in the ER and she rarely shares vulnerable feelings of sorrow or fear. She has told me repeatedly that I shouldn't have children because they're too much trouble and not worth all the "work." And she has zero empathy for me and lives for controlling me in every possible way: financially, emotionally, and logistically. If she can dump on me all her self-hate, violent rage and desire to punish the world for her pain, then she feels all is right with her corner of the world. So, no, you're not alone.

u/wetoldyounottotell · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Okay, first I'm going to recommend Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson.

Next, you didn't do anything to cause this. I couldn't see this myself until I had distanced myself so much from my mother that there was literally no way I could've prompted her outbursts (and mine also told me my dad tried to beat her until she miscarried me and later "attempted suicide" by overdose at least twice). You cannot help your mother. There are things she could do that could help her in terms of her mental health, but you cannot do them for her, and telling her about them will probably just make her angrier (e.g., "You think I'm CRAZY?! My only problem is having such ungrateful CHILDREN!" etc.). Your dad and Laura want you to spend time with her to "end the drama," but it won't end anything. It will just reset the cycle, if you're lucky. What you do today won't make or break anything, so take heart. But the only way to improve your situation with her long term is boundaries and distance. Boundaries didn't work with mine, but distance has been a lifesaver.

u/puddingcat_1013 · 6 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

There are lots of great resources out of there. For example, the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" was a great help to me.

Also, the website BPDCentral is a great resource:

And, Out of the Fog:

But if you truly want to heal yourself and live your best life, you're going to need to find a therapist. Your BPD mother trained you all your life to deny that you were a person in your own right, so much so that you no longer understand your own wants and needs. You're going to need personal guidance to find your way out. You need to find those hooks that your mother put in you and remove them. It hurts, and its hard work, but its the only thing that will allow you to heal fully.

I think the difference between boys and girls being raised by borderlines (depending on your mother's own special brand of abuse) is basically just what society puts on either sex, plus bonus points for BPD. But a therapist will help guide you out of the woods for your needs specifically.

This is a great group also. Read and vent as necessary. We've all been through it. You're not crazy and you're not alone. Hang in there and good luck.

u/hammiesink · 6 pointsr/AskReddit

If your mother has BPD, I'm very sorry for everything you have undoubtedly been through. This is one of those disorders that makes even the most experienced, educated and competent of shrinks absolutely dread the career they've chosen, so don't feel bad that you've been unable to manage. The way I've coped is to learn as much about the disorder as I can. It helps me feel less responsible for all of her madness (which is what the BPD mother instills in her children from birth). It has also helped me forgive her, understanding that she didn't choose to have this disorder and can't ever escape from it the way that we can. Some really good books that I've found to be very helpful in terms of learning about this disorder and how to cope with this are:

Therapy has also been invaluably helpful. Best of luck to you, from one BPD kid to another.

u/krakkem · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Oooh okay. It sounds like you have a concept of yourself as inherently bad. It's a byproduct of long-term abuse, especially with parents. I have similar issues, especially taking compliments. I once got a compliment and a family member said something in the vein of "well they don't know the real you." If you get enough of that message enforced, positive comments are going to be really uncomfortable.

I don't know how you can consider yourself inherently good, I certainly haven't, but maybe work towards thinking of yourself in a neutral way? I tend to carry reminders of the positive things I do (namely art) so that when I'm getting really hard on myself, I have a physical reminder to counter it.

In the meantime: therapy and/or reading Understanding The Borderline Mother will help you learn more about how to start healing from abusive relationships while you were developing.

u/praywithlegs · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Yes. Very helpful. It’s good for anyone who’s been through traumas. My son and I are both in separate therapy programs based on DBT. I suggest you get this book and explore; its great to have professional guidance, but the book is very common sense and practical so you can get a lot out of just the book.

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

u/GloriousGoldenPants · 6 pointsr/psychology

Schizophrenia is a real brain condition, with documented abnormalities in regard to brain chemicals and brain structure. I would really encourage you to read some modern books or look up some journal articles on the subject. (If you're in college, your school likely has subscriptions to modern psych journals.)

In my experience, awareness doesn't necessarily help. I've heard that some people with schizophrenia can accept that some of their experiences are not real and learn how to respond accordingly. I think these people have probably had early interventions though. For my clients who are older and didn't have any intervention for decades--their beliefs are so fixed that it would basically be the same as me going up to a hard-core religious person and telling them that there is no God. They wouldn't believe me and I would lose all credibility in their minds. There's a book called "The Three Christs of Ypsilanti" where a doctor introduced three men who each believed they were Jesus to each other. The men all came up with reasons as to why the other two weren't Jesus, but they were.

u/exposeyourself2art · 5 pointsr/Parenting

Jo reminds me a lot of my mother, from whom I'm estranged. Growing up with her was a lot of overwhelmingly inappropriate behavior that turned into sexual abuse (not saying Jo will do this, but it's the same pattern that escalated). I ended up going to therapy about it, and my therapist recommended I read up on borderline personality disorder, which she thought my mother had/has. The inappropriate behavior was never about sexual arousal, she just didn't understand normal boundaries but insisted that she did (so she never wanted to get therapy for it). My father was in sort of a semi-denial about how serious her behavior was - it was only a problem when her behavior negatively affected him. Even if your FIL were healthy, decades of depending on an unhealthy dynamic is difficult to break in a marriage; impossible if he's also physically dependent on her.

For now, I'd recommend visiting your FIL individually without the baby, so you can still check in with him and keep Jo away from your daughter. Any interaction with her and children involved will have to be supervised by other people aware of her issues. This means don't leave her alone with kids and any other family members who see her quirks as no big deal.

For the long-term, I'd suggest you go with your husband to a family therapist to discuss ways to handle your in-laws in regards to Jo. Her behavior isn't normal, so it makes sense that most people don't know the normal reaction to her. I'd also recommend "Understanding the Borderline Mother", which helped me immensely.

Good luck!

u/Just_smh · 5 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

So much to much to say. I'll attempt brevity. I'll likely fail.

>I was strong willed growing up. I talked back a lot as a child and would cry anytime my mom left. I deffinitely had abandonment issues after us leaving my bio dad I guess and I was always afraid that the next time she left would be the last time I saw her. So I wasn't perfect. I'd complain about cleaning my room, or yell at her if I got upset about something.

Show me a kid that likes cleaning their room and I'll show you a FREAK. Show me a kid that didn't assert their independence/identity by yelling at their parent and I'll show you a FREAK. Not really sound like a perfectly normal kid.

>Growing up I was a trigger for my mom I now see. Which is completely understandable given that my bio dad is her ex alcoholic, abusive, rapist, husband. So... I'm sure this played a part.

Maybe. But pwBPD lie like they breathe. She may or may not have been raped. Even if she was, you are not the trigger. Your existence is not the reason she behaves the way she does. She behaves the way she does because she is ill and rather than recognize that her behavior hurts others and seek treatment she blame-shifts, demonizes, and gaslights.

>If I stood and listened she would tell me how she could see the evil in my eyes, that I was so cold and heartless and that she had only seen that look on my bio father and I was going to be just like him, that I only cared about myself.

I think you have a BPD "witch" on your hands. I had a BPD "warlock" (my dad). Almost verbatim these words. This kind of situation. It really fucks with your head. Especially as a child. As you do your work when you get back to therapy try to recognize this shit as "tapes". Tapes can be over-written and replaced with better music. Sounds like at the end of your post some people have been giving you some new tapes. Listen to those new tapes often.

>Growing up she always let people have or borrow my things.

They have no respect for boundaries. What is yours is theirs. I could tell you stories...

>I once, stupidly, decided to nicely tell my mom in a conversation that I thought she might have BPD and that she should look into it.

Right? Because maybe the problem is that she doesn't know and now that she does she'll go fix it. You'd fix it? Why wouldn't she? Who doesn't want to solve a problem? She doesn't. She'd rather make her problem your problem. Most books you read on the subject will caution against ever doing this since, as you discovered, it doesn't really go the way you hope it will.

>She claims she doesn't remember the horrible things she has said to me growing up. She tells me she is worried for my son because she thinks that my mind is slipping and that there is something wrong with me.

There's a whole thread here about this. It really is best to "just not remember" for people that don't want to accept responsibility for their words and actions. More gaslighting. I would go ahead and trust your memory. It happened. Memory is weird, so maybe it didn't happen exactly the way you remember but it happened.

Example: I have this memory of my mother giving me a...well...horrible sweater. It was sleeveless, argyle print on the back, and it had an ice-skating bear on the front. I was like...24 going on 25 at the completely inappropriate and I was never going to wear it. I couldn't accept it. I gave it back to her asking her what was going through her mind at the store when she thought her 24 year old daughter would actually want this. She needed to get her $$ back for it. This is one of my "funny" memories. Anyway...I remember the bear having a little flip up skirt. When cleaning her house this past thanksgiving (see post history if interested) we found that sweater. The sweater is pretty much how I remember it...just no flip up skirt.

So yeah...whatever you remember is probably the actual truth.

>My whole life I was her therapist. Not my other siblings, because I was the oldest so I could handle it.

I learned a new term here. Emotional incest. This whole paragraph resonates but especially that last bit "I was the oldest so I could handle it". I have said, felt, expressed those words VERBATIM. I even carried this in to my adult live where I figured anyone in psychic pain really should go ahead and give it to me cos I can handle it better than they can. I know what I'm doing and they are clearly in need. Yeah, I'm not a fucking therapist so I don't do that anymore. This is a boundaries thing. Absorbing the pain of others is not your responsibility. Accepting this and not automatically stepping in to assume the pain will take some practice, and your future therapist can help you with it.

So welcome member of the tribe. I'm sorry you've been separated from us for so long but you're here now with your family. We are big and we are strong. So get yourself something to eat. Read through this sub and anything you can get your hands on for as much as you need it over the next couple of months until you can get back to therapy.

People will recommend many books. My favorite was Understanding the Borderline Mother. A lot of us here have read it. It goes through the various manifestations of BPD from the witch to the waif. Waifs can have their witch moments just as witches can have their waif moments so while the book draws distinctions it is likely you'll see aspects of you mom in all the archetypes.

My comment is now almost as long as your post. I wish you well and perhaps we'll see you around here moving forward. BIG HUG!

u/shamefestival · 5 pointsr/BPD

It's not up to the current research. I would strongly reccommend taking a look at Borderline Personality Disorder: New Reasons for Hope from Johns Hopkins. It's got the science, but is still an easy, personable read.

u/SkinnyHobbit · 5 pointsr/Anxiety

Also see if you can find free pdfs (they're around) of:

Tomorrow or something I'll dig up those files from whatever Fb group I found them on and put them on dropbox or something :)

u/tasteface · 4 pointsr/IAmA

It's great that she has a diagnosis and is willing to work on it. That's a good sign. You should consider in your decision making related to your family that you have made not only a commitment to your wife, but also to your child. As the non-BPD parent, it is your utmost responsibility to protect your child from emotional and physical abuse that a BPD mother can inflict on him or her. I'm not saying that your wife is abusive now, or that she will be in the future. I'm just saying that if there is abuse at any time, your commitment to your child(ren) must take precedence over your commitment to your wife.

Beyond abuse (which, again, I'm not saying is happening or will happen), your children are going to face the emotional challenge of dealing with a borderline mother. You might be able to handle her ups and downs and her wild escapes from reality, but your child is not born with those coping skills. Because your child is exposed to this on a day to day basis, I strongly recommend that you read this book: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. I am a child of a borderline mother, and this book describes my childhood relationship with my mother so accurately that it is unnerving.

u/TextileDabbler · 4 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Hi! Welcome to the club. Mine disowned me for having the temerity of getting married. Refused to make any plans with me to meet my husband and then complained that he's a stranger. It was the last item in a long list of whacko behaviors while growing up.

If your college library can get their hands on it, I recommend reading "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" Cliff notes version here

The disowning is what she thinks is her biggest weapon in her arsenal. She is holding the financial sword over your head. Do not engage. Do not reward bad behavior with a reaction. Ignore it. You have a stepfather and an aunt to help you through this and confirm that you are not the one acting in bad manner.

She has shown you a pattern of saying bad things and then "apologizing" for them later. Writing you out and canceling your ticket is going to cost her money, so I doubt she will follow through with what she is threatening.

Will finishing college get you finally out of her control? (which is a big issue for her, no doubt) How long do you have left? Can you just grit your teeth and chug towards graduation?

Good luck and much love.

u/Strangelove82 · 4 pointsr/psychotherapy

I promise I'll give some specific recommendations at the end.

So, actually being able to do DBT and call it DBT is involved and fairly difficult. DBT folks (at least the bigwigs) are really big on treatment fidelity, which means faithfully reproducing what has been shown to work in their outcome research, which means a lot of resources. I'm not sure where you work and what resources you have available, but Linehan herself states that if you're not running skill groups in addition to individual therapy, along with having a treatment team for consultation, then you're not actually doing DBT. I've noticed that without all of these components present they prefer to call it "DBT-informed CBT." Just putting all of that out there for informational purposes.

That being said, you can most certainly integrate DBT concepts and techniques into your individual work, if that's what you do. It's just that there are a TON of specific skills and worksheets to choose from. It's a really involved therapy. There are many books available, but here are the ones that I've personally found useful in individual therapy and they seem to generally get favorable reviews:

DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition is straight from the source. Tons of information and reproducible handouts...almost overwhelming.

DBT Made Simple is a really good, simple (obviously) primer on basic DBT philosophies and techniques to get you started in individual work.

Doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy: A Practical Guide is really good. More in-depth than the Made Simple book and really gives a solid understanding of what to do in session.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is a solid DBT-based self-help workbook. I have recommended it to several clients and it's usually connected each time. It's a handy way for the client to think about concepts in-between sessions without it feeling like "homework" and it helps as a roadmap for therapy. Kind of acts as a little skill trainer in place of the group (I know, still not the same) since there's not enough time to focus on all of the skills in individual therapy alone. It actually works well for emotionally dysregulated clients in general, regardless of what the primary diagnosis is.

There's also a video of Marsha Linehan demonstrating DBT in session on that you may find useful. It offers CE credits as well.

u/amyalida · 4 pointsr/psychotherapy

Are you familiar with Dialectical Behavior Therapy? It was based on CBT and has a large mindfulness component. It's an empirically supported treatment for many presenting problems, as well.

This book and [this book] ( might be helpful and along the lines of what you're looking for.

u/Yas-Qween · 4 pointsr/dbtselfhelp

THIS book has everything you need. I would recommend starting with mindfulness (the book has all of the skills and handouts as well as the worksheets/homework associated with them). Then work through the other modules (Emotion Regulation, Interpersonal Effectiveness, and Distress Tolerance) in any order. If you're in a bad place now I recommend starting with Distress Tolerance because that is the most immediately useful.

Most DBT classes introduce one skill per week and assign the associated worksheet(s) as homework. You can work through the skills at any pace you'd like but I like having a whole week to focus on practicing and using a single skill.

u/yesmstress · 4 pointsr/mentalhealth

DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It is a treatment developed by Marsha Linehan, originally to treat chronically suicidal patients and those with Borderline Personality Disorder. It has since been shown as an effective form treatment for many other diagnoses as well, such as those with PTSD, substance abuse, mood disorders, eating disorders, and ADHD. Those who seek DBT are frequently those who experience intense emotions and emotional distress. It is made up of four components: mindfulness, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance. A typical DBT program consists of a once-weekly 2 hour DBT group that lasts 6-12 months, a once a week therapy session, and the ability for the client to have access to their therapist via phone for phone coaching.

u/PersephoneofSpring · 4 pointsr/BipolarReddit

I approach therapists the way I do online dating. Instead of looking for things I want, I look for red flags and stop the conversation there.

I think not wanting to be on meds shouldn't be something to focus on if your mind is set, and if they seem like they want to push on that, it's not going to be productive.

Does the therapist talk more then you do? For me, that's a deal breaker. I don't want to hear anecdotes or a long explanation of their credentials. I want to be guided, not lectured. Maybe personal preference.

Note how "challenging" the therapist is with you. Do you want someone who will push back against you/call you out (this is extremely helpful in many cases), or do you want someone with a more subtle approach? I'm personally sensitive to criticism so I need a lighter touch.

Does the therapist seem to have negative attitudes or limited experience regarding groups you belong to? LGBT, POC, bipolar patients (I once had one for couples therapy whose ex husband was bipolar; that didn't work out), age, gender, etc.

In your sessions, with a tight budget, you want to maximize efficiency. You need to target the most impacting areas of your life so you can get the most overall improvement from your time there.

They're going to want to know what your current most pressing issues are. Bring a little list of ways your bipolar has impacted your life.

Also see if you can identify the most important/relevant details from your life history so you can quickly give them background information. "I was raised in city, my family was generally supportive/dysfunctional/close/etc., I've had these experiences with therapy in the past, these three events changed the course of my life, I was diagnosed years ago, my worst manic/depressive episode was like this..."

If you want to get into DBT, read about the four major aspects about it and see if you can identify the part you want to focus on the most. I highly recommend getting the official manual. Using part of your budget on this will help you further your therapy along on your own between sessions, making therapy more targeted to your needs based on your own progress. (Sorry for formatting, I'm on my phone.)

Good luck!

u/prettehkitteh · 4 pointsr/ProRevenge

We're all a little nuts here :) I'm happy that you, too, are trying to work on it and improve your life, and I wish you the best of luck!

If you're interested, my husband started DBT a few months back with his therapist and has been using this workbook, which seems to be helping him. We also just discovered this series of posts, which helped him express some things to me and helped me to conceptualize what's going on in his head and what I can do.

u/AbyssalCheeseCurd · 4 pointsr/blogsnark

If you want a neat look at how a narcissist thinks, my therapist lent me this book by James Masterson, who is like the pioneer of modern narcissism therapy/psychology. My therapist gave it to me cause I have a narc parent, but it was really interesting in its own right.

u/SwiggyBloodlust · 4 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

This book is fascinating and it's written by an established neuroscientist. (Actually I recommend this to anyone reading. It's very interesting.)


The answer as I know it, from my own families' illnesses, from knowing neurosurgeons personally and from reading, is that the jury is out for the most part. Nothing decisively definitive has been proven. There is an idea (as written about in that book) that certain illnesses take a 1-2 punch of nature (brain wired differently) and nurture (fucked up childhood).


That said? Visit a doctor. A bunch of strangers online may have ideas and experiences but it will take a compassionate and thorough medical professional to guide you further.

u/oscar_wild · 3 pointsr/IAmA

I took my PhD in a part of the country that was characteristically conservative politically and religiously. Mention of evolution was quite often more trouble than it was worth, which is an absolute shame. We didn't even mention Darwin (who seemed to be quite confident that natural selection would be applied to psychology "In the distant future I see open fields for far more important researches. Psychology will be based on a new foundation, that of the necessary acquirement of each mental power and capacity by gradation. Light will be thrown on the origin of man and his history." C. R. Darwin On the Origin of Species, 1859 p.488) who gave us the single strongest theory in the history of science because people don't like it.

Because they don't like it.

I would recommend Exiles from Eden and Evolutionary Psychiatry for the clinical application.

I would also say that EP does not claim that humans are genetic automatons. We have a range of behaviors that helped us navigate our world, but, that world has changed quite a lot in the last few centuries/millennia, far too fast for the brain to have caught of with it.

If you approach treatments from the EP perspective you might try not so much to "fix" the problem as to put a person in a situation that is closer to their comfort zone.

Of course I'm overgeneralizing here. For one I really can't give you an overview of the whole field in 150 words. And second, I'm not a clinician or therapist. Take a look at those books, I suspect it will help.

u/Celarcade · 3 pointsr/BipolarReddit

I'm both bipolar 2 and diagnosed with BPD. You can have both, and many people do. Without treating the bipolar symptoms, it was really hard for me to see the difference between the two, but now I can tell which condition guides which behaviors for me.

I don't think "rationalizing" is something most people with BPD really do... It's more like feeling completely out of control emotionally, and just not knowing how to cope with the aftermath. I could see some people rationalizing, but it's not a marked trait of the condition. Be careful with what you hear on this subreddit. Many people seem very misinformed.

Thing is, no-one wants to have BPD, that's for sure. People with it are highly stigmatized. It's a condition that's very hard to accept. I find that a lot of my recovery involves stepping on my pride and accepting responsibility for various parts of my life and actions I've taken. That's not exactly rationalizing. I always could relate to the condition, but it took me a while to really see whether or not it was me. I always knew my behaviors were bad.

My best advice: Read the book "sometimes I act crazy". It breaks down not only what people with BPD do, but WHY they do so. If you still relate to it after that, talk to your therapist. Book found here:

u/imgoingalittlenuts2 · 3 pointsr/BPD

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me and Sometimes I Act Crazy are another couple of good books to read. Also, look for stuff by Marsha M. Linehan. She pioneered treating BPD with CBT/DBT. Might as well get info straight from the source.

u/nein_danke · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My mom (nc for 13 years) is diagnosed borderline, and also has something called cyclothymia. You have my sympathy. This book, while unusually expensive (even in Kindle form), is valuable to people like you and me. Unfortunately, it's also very upsetting. After I got through the part about the Witch-type borderlines, I was unable to continue reading. Maybe I'll pick it up again someday, but for now it's emotionally exhausting.

The worst part is that I kept identifying with what they were saying, only not the way the borderline personality reacts toward those feelings. It's like there's The Event, and the borderline personality will react one way, while I react in the exact opposite direction. It terrified me, because I don't want to be like her. Even though I am definitely not BPD, it still scares me every time I read it.

My mom is likely a witch-type. She tried to kill me once, possibly twice. The times she put my life in danger are innumerable. The only way for me to find peace was to cut her out completely. I've been much better since, though I don't think I'll ever be normal. PM me if you ever want to talk.

u/RestrainedGold · 3 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I think what your therapist is recommending is that you read books and other resources about the two conditions to help you understand how to not enable her behavior and also to help you heal from her abuse.

And you are right, it isn't the same as a diagnosis. But ultimately, your response will be very similar with or without a diagnosis. My jusno's do not have any formal diagnoses that I know of. Originally, I thought that they might be this or that, and it felt like I needed to know. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I would never know, and furthermore my course of action wouldn't change even if I did know. Which means, for me, the precise condition is ultimately irrelevant. You will have to determine relevancy yourself. Your therapist has given you a generalized area to research that will hopefully help you to find the right path forward for you. I personally would also look at books on narcissism - not because I think your therapist is wrong, but rather because the conditions are similar enough that the books are helpful. Sometimes this is more about finding an author who speaks your language than it is about the precise condition.

Please take the time to understand the differences between Bi-Polar and Borderline Personality. My understanding is that they are pretty different in terms of their source, presentation and how to treat them. I have done way more research on personality disorders than Bi-polar.

Book options (based on your therapist suggestion) to help you on your way: - have read this one - it is good - have heard good things about this one, no personal experience. - have also heard good things about this one.

u/Movingon72 · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Understanding The Borderline Mother

I found this book to be pretty good for me. My therapist recommended not showing this book to my kids until after puberty. Like 18-20.

One of the hard things for is me is that she seems to take most of it out on my oldest. I suspect that my younger boy may never understand why we are getting divorced.

u/djSush · 3 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Hey I was looking for the book. There's a Surviving the Borderline Parent and there's Understanding the Borderline Mother Which one is it? Thanks! 💜

u/vgmgc · 3 pointsr/AcademicPsychology

If you buy this book, you can get all the pdfs from the workbook for free through Guilford Press.

I haven't read this one, but it seems to be the recommended book if you want to learn more about DBT conceptualization.

u/allusium · 3 pointsr/BPDSOFFA

It seems likely that she may have a personality disorder. The behavior you describe would make life difficult for any child. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with her acting like this while you were growing up, and it sounds like you are still dealing with her acting out.

Have you read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson? If not, it may help you identify more of her behaviors and understand how they may have affected you. Lawson describes various ways that BPD can be expressed that can appear different on the surface but are all tied to the same disorder.

It's awfully hard to love someone who is so emotionally volatile. One thing I've found helpful is to establish and enforce boundaries that will give you space to be a healthy person, to be yourself rather than an extension of her. The book Boundaries by Clound and Townsend is an excellent introduction to the idea and can teach you how to begin setting boundaries.

Ultimately, though, your mom may choose to not respect your boundaries, in which case you will need to create separation from her in order to be emotionally safe and healthy.

u/nknwnbrdrln · 3 pointsr/BPD

Dialectical behavior therapy, mentalization based therapy, transference focused therapy - all created for people like us. With the diagnosis you can now know that other people suffer in the same ways you do, it's not hopeless, and you're not doomed to a life of being alone. I was in therapy for 10 years before confirming the diagnosis and starting DBT - I've made more progress in the last year than I ever did in those 10 years. I think probably there's nowhere to go but up.

DBT workbooks:

When I was waiting for therapy to start I soaked up as much info as I could in video form on youtube, which I actually found more helpful than DBT in terms of feeling real validation and emotional healing.

I found a torrent of From Chaos to Freedom which is basically Marsha Linehan (creator of DBT) teaching the skills herself. I like her, she’s pretty weird. Here’s a clip: “If it lasts forever and you think it’s a crisis... it’s your life, it’s not a crisis”

Tons of short videos of experts talking about borderline and DBT:

This one is full of lectures (many by the same experts) on more specific topics that I really liked:

u/Leon2693 · 3 pointsr/BPD

This is the one I used

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

u/NopeImnotStef · 3 pointsr/mentalhealth

It sounds like living with your dad might be the best of those 3 options. You'll still be in contact with the girl you like but you wont be challenged with as many changes. BPD is EXHAUSTING, I know. I find that the solution that is driven as equally as possible by both logic and emotion fits best. Suicide may seem like a good third option, but remember that there is always a possibility for even more options than you listed. I would sometimes confront that idea with "I''m pretty sure I've explored every option and angle and this is all I got", and I did....with the information I had at the time. Group therapy helped me with finding more options to help solve my problem from my peers and from the ppl running the group. I think it's important to be open to gathering up more information on what you can do and what support you can get. This forum is the perfect place!

Also, Dialectical Behavioral therapy (DBT) is extremely usefull in treating BPD. You can find a number of online resources and workbooks to help you. There are also DBT group therapies out there that take insurance or do sliding scale. I'll link the books below. Some of the worksheets inthese books can be found on forums or other websites for free, uploaded by wonderful ppl that just wanna give ppl access to something helpful.

Book 1: DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

Book 2 (my personal fav): The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

u/android2420 · 3 pointsr/dbtselfhelp

You can just google it but here it is

There could be cheaper options but that’s the price I paid for mine.

u/__not_a_cat · 3 pointsr/BPD

There's a therapy called DBT. You can buy the book from Amazon (there's a manual and a workbook most people recemmend from Dr. Linehan). but here's a pdf that someone from this group linked up (can't recall who or I'd give them daps) that looks like a nice overview and it's free wooo lol. Learning about this therapy has given me soooo much hope. I hope it does the same for you!

u/FearlessFun · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

For anyone on the fence about staying "for the kids," I recommend you read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. Basically, the BPD parent is inflicting trauma on your child whether you are there or not. If you are there, you are complicit in the abuse by default. Your presence may even make it worse and more confusing for the kids.

I also recommend you hit up google scholar and look at research on children of Borderlines. They are highly highly at risk for becoming borderline themselves, or getting into a relationship with someone with a personality disorder.

When you stay "for the kids" you give your child a 0% chance of living in a peaceful, predictable, stable home.

u/Otakundead · 3 pointsr/Schizoid


I cried for 2 hours when it hit me that I’m not literally the only schizoid mind.

As for books, the most extensive, a very well written one, is:

As a shorter one, I would definitely read “Schizoid factors in the personality” by Fairbairn. That one was crazy, the fact that the author was schizoid himself shows in every paragraph.

That feeling of being able to relate to someone, I literally only had with fictional characters beforehand. (And only two, Dexter Morgan from the tv show Dexter and Lelouch Lamperouge from the anime Code Geass actually represents a schizoid in really interesting depths to justify me saying I identified to a degree that spoke to the “am I the only one like me” loneliness)

And thanks a lot for telling me this, because I poured a lot of my soul into studying cognition and how the mind works, and moments like these make me feel my life’s worth hasn’t been wasted. In that spirit, I offer to go through your letters to your therapist if you think a second schizoid opinion might be of value.

u/amazon-converter-bot · 3 pointsr/FreeEBOOKS

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u/CWBM · 3 pointsr/NarcissisticAbuse

N’s use triangulation to essentially control the narrative by manipulating others to see things through their perspective, which is them the stable partner and you the exact opposite. They will say things like “well so and so agrees with me that you are blah blah, or I told so and so about a,b,c and they said you are [insert negative trait]
In your situation it sounds like he is doing it to your face which is even worse, these people are not your friends - at all.

Unfortunately is no way to defend yourself here, you end up just reinforcing the belief that you are x,y,z. And cause he is ‘such a nice genuine guy’ (false self they display to the world) why wouldn’t they believe him??

My ex used the same language, I don’t have many genuine male friends, women just understand me better. Umm yeah, with that massive chip on your shoulder and victim mentality it’s no wonder men don’t want to engage with you long term. It’s the traditionally (I’m generalising here so please excuse me) female traits of care and empathy and patience that they are relying on to hook them in.

I asked my Nex in the beginning if he was talking to any other women, he said no. Come to find out he talked to countless women, online, at the gym, at work, on these women centric (oops it just so happens only chicks seem to have the same dog breed as me) Facebook groups he joined. When I called him on it he said I was referring to ‘talking to sexually, not as friends, and I don’t talk to anyone sexually so you should have been more specific’. No MF’er you know exactly what I meant - Argghh!!!

I’m concerned you are still in this situation, it’s incredibly difficult to heal in the same place you were hurt. I am two years post break up, however only discovered covert narcissism through this sub about 6 months has reopened the wound as validating as it is to know if wasn’t me all along. I can’t imagine still being with him, and living ‘in the fog’ with a partner who will ultimately tear you down. 10 years, I’m gobsmacked you aren’t in a straight jacket by now, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

The following book (suggested by another user here which opened my eyes to this type of abuse) was a fantastic resource for me, I highly recommend it. It has a chapter around intermittent reinforcement which is what he is doing with the future talk minus him scenarios, inserting maybes into your self conscious is an incredibly powerful, and effective psychological tactic narcs use as part of their arsenal.

u/HorseWithPropane · 2 pointsr/BPD

this book is excellent.

u/dsquard · 2 pointsr/BPD

I can't thank you enough for your insights. As always, she has shown the most emphatic and genuine remorse after the fact, and I still love her more every day. I've read Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder and it has been immeasurably helpful for me to understand that the hurtful things that are coming out of her mouth aren't actually coming from her... that she's not trying to manipulate me.

I can't tell you how sad it makes me to hear that you are struggling to find and maintain long-term relationships. My girlfriend is in a treatment program at the UCLA BPD clinic that emphasizes Mentalization Based Therapy, and in the year and half that we've dated, I have seen palpable improvements in her ability to control and face her emotions. In fact, just this past Christmas, she spent an entire week with her family without any single fight or outburst.

I know that we're both incredibly fortunate to have resources like the UCLA BPD clinic at our disposal, and even more fortunate that she is in such a cutting-edge program, but I just wanted to share with you the incredible progress she's made with this therapy. I strongly, strongly encourage you to seek out psychiatrists in your area that specialize in metallization-based therapy. It is incredibly difficult and unbelievably taxing emotionally, but the results speak for themselves. It will take time for your brain to be able to fully develop the necessary neural pathways from your Amygdala to your prefrontal cortex.

If nothing else, read that book. Seriously. It's given me relationship-saving insights, and I think it will be incredibly helpful in giving you the knowledge-base necessary to accurately and empathetically explain your condition to your loved ones. Mental illness is a fucking bitch, but it is not your fault. I suffer from periodic depression, so I know first hand what mental illness is and how fucking powerless it makes you feel.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck and all the future happiness that you deserve. If you ever need advice from someone who is totally committed to someone with BPD, please don't hesitate to PM me.

u/aardvark2zz · 2 pointsr/occupywallstreet

Schizophrenia effects on group-splitting theory is discussed in the following good book.


u/cinnamongirl1313 · 2 pointsr/BabyBumps

Oh man...I know all about the self blame game! But it’s hard not to when you have someone pretty much any wrong doing in their life was your fault! 🙄

I’m not a huge reader but I found this book to be extremely helpful: Understanding the Borderline Mother

And thank you! We had a little scare over the weekend so this little girl could actually be here sooner than December! Ahh!! 💜

u/blueprotector · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My mom did almost the exact same shit to me just prior to my wedding. I think it's the fear of separation that causes it. Do yourself a favour and read this book. I had SO MANY "holy shit moments" whilst reading it. Confirmed my Nmom has BPD and explains everything I've been going through. Hope it helps.

u/i8doodoopuss · 2 pointsr/BPD

If you haven't already, read "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It has helped me immensely. It was emotionally difficult to read this book, but it has really helped me to heal in the long term. It has also helped me learn how to negotiate a relationship with my mother, and come to terms with her disability.

Being the child of an untreated borderline is painful, but ultimately isolating - how can people possibly understand?

And, it's normal for the children of boderlines to struggle with identity - where does mom end, and where do I begin? This is something you and I will struggle with for a lifetime, I'm afraid.

Please feel free to PM me. You are not alone, and things will get better.

P.S. I'm a bisexual agnostic. Sooo, yeah.

u/dmcindc · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

This book has been the one that helped me see things more clearly the most. Because there's always degrees to mental illnesses, and not every person with BPD or NPD will fit perfectly into one category. Understanding the behaviors overall and that there can be a range to them, and that a person can sometimes fit into two categories or swing back and forth, makes things a lot clearer. It did for me at least.

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

u/cutecottage · 2 pointsr/BabyBumps

You have to order this book right now. It changed my life -- seriously. Before reading that book, I was convinced to my core that there was something deeply wrong with me that caused me to have anxiety, eating and extreme conflict-avoidance issues (seriously, I'd grill my best friends for hours about "what was wrong with me" and thought they were lying when they told me "nothing")...and that book made me realize that all of my psychoses were reactions to her behavior and my way of coping with them, rather than a sign that there was something wrong with me.Instead, there was something wrong with her. All of the issues I experienced were just my brain/body's unconscious way of finding a way to cope with the chaos and instability that her disorder caused. When I first realized she was borderline, I broke down in the shower crying because for the first time in my life I actually believed that there wasn't something deeply flawed about me.

Feel free to PM me off-board for support. It's a hard road ahead -- and I really, really don't suggest telling her she's BPD but instead maneuvering around it -- but it's probably a lot easier than what you've already been through.

EDIT: Forgot to add, there are different types of borderlines -- hence why your friend might be easier to deal with. And if she's medicated/treated, that's a huge step. (Plus, being a mother seems to bring out BPD tendencies much more dramatically than a friendship.)

EDIT 2: I also felt really guilty at first that I was "surviving" my relationship with my mother instead of having a "real" relationship with her. But then I realized that if she is unwilling/mentally unable to get treatment, this is the only way to have a relationship with her at all. Yes, it isn't genuine, but I like to think that the fact that I still interact with her even though it's somewhat staged actually shows a lot of effort on my part to make it work. And besides, a "genuine" relationship is what I tried to have with her growing up, and that only ended in fear and emotional trauma for me. I'm an adult now and have to protect my own emotional well being first (and that of my husband and my child now).

One of the hardest parts for me in reconciling her BPD is the fact that she isn't terrible all the time. I've come to realize that, deep down, she is a good person who means well and WANTS to be generous and kind but can be overtaken by a demon she has no capacity to realize is there. I try to bring that good person out and that requires navigating around her triggers -- admittedly rocky waters.

It might be hard to deal with the guilt of manipulating her and strategically maneuvering around her disorder, but you're doing the right thing by at least trying -- it's much easier to just walk away.

u/workerdaemon · 2 pointsr/rant

These are the resources that helped me:

After Psychotherapy -- Blog run by a psychotherapist. I particularly like his theory that the source of all mental illness is hiding shame. Find your shame and accept it. I haven't found an instance that debunks this theory.

Why do I do that? -- Book written by the same author as the blog above. Again, his insights are very helpful. I really enjoyed this book to help me understand other people so I wouldn't get angry at them. My issue is abandonment, so when someone does something to trigger it I A) know it's just a trigger, and B) know it has nothing to do with me personally because of whatever issue that person has. I haven't read any of his other books, but I would guess they would be helpful, too.

Attached -- Details of attachment theory. I personally don't like attachment theory too much, but my boyfriend thought this book was wonderful and that it helped him understand things better. My psychiatrist gave him this book after I brought him in for a group session. A lot of people believe in attachment theory, so I'd recommend reading it.

Jungian Psychotherapy -- I believe in jungian psychotherapy instead of CBT. How I view it, psychotherapy uncovers and heals your hidden shame, while CBT helps you to better cover it up. If you have serious problems, I just don't think CBT is going to work.

Now, the rest are more about borderline personality disorder, which I believe I have. If you have emotions that you feel just aren't regulated and keep bursting out, then you will likely benefit from looking at BPD resources.

Understanding the Borderline Mother -- This book changed my life. I got the book because of my mother, and after reading this realized I have BPD, too. I'm the hermit, based on her classification, and I'm even dating a huntsman! I had to keep putting it down as it blew my mind and made my world, my family, my past make so much more sense.

Putting the Pieces Together -- The author's account of working through recovery, what helped her along with details of BPD itself.

Books authored by Marsha M. Linehan -- She has BPD herself and is a psychiatrist, so she has intimate understanding in what the problems are and how to best fix them. She invented DBT.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook -- DBT is a type of therapy that focuses on emotion regulation skills. I actually haven't read this book -- I started doing so well, working on my mental health got lowered in priority. But, it's well recommended and could be very helpful.

I was in therapy on and off for 14 years. It wasn't until I started doing my own research into psychology and read all of the above that I finally started making huge strides in progress. I'm now pretty stable.

The body tries to protect itself by hiding things even from you. It make take awhile to widdle down those defenses so that you can self analyse thoroughly enough. Reread things and you may find you'll find "new" stuff.

It's a lot of work, but well worth it.

u/kaldi_kahve · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Understanding the borderline mother: helping her children transcend the intense, unpredictable, and volatile relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

u/shutupcoppen · 2 pointsr/Screenwriting

I have some experience with these people IRL. Their defining characteristic - which is ironic considering the glamourisation of them in Hollywood as criminal masterminds - is they live a "zombified" life which is a disability similar to an emotional coma. They're also not particularly charismatic, as often described. Their emotional development stalled in childhood, along with any higher functioning mammalian brain (i.e. the simplicity of child-like reptilian pain/pleasure response, rather than nuanced processing).

The best example is the reply one gave when i asked him: "what is empathy?"

His answer? "Listening".

He had no idea what it was, but he could describe what it looked like, and had spent a lifetime learning to mimic it so he wouldn't stand out. They're just not.... there. People without creativity, ambition, or any ability to sense signals in/from others. Andrei Chikatilo was simply the most empty and boring human being imaginable - not a Lector, Bateman, or West.

Best book you will find on the subject:

u/n0floatingsheet · 2 pointsr/Psychiatry

"Borderline Personality Disorder: New Reasons for Hope" from Johns Hopkins press is more up to date and evidence based. (Sauce: am person with BPD)

u/NewToDBTClinician · 2 pointsr/psychotherapy

I'm a psychotherapist who has zero training in DBT and who will soon be starting a job at a residential program for teens where DBT is one of the primary treatment modalities. I'll obviously be trained when I get there, but in the meantime I'd like to get as up-to-date as I can so that I don't have to start from scratch.

So, I'd like to buy some books. Specifically, I want books that focus on the practice and theory of DBT, so obviously not self-help books aimed at clients. I've found a few so far and I'll link them below (I'm happy to buy any or all of these books, and obviously any others that people recommend):

  1. Dialectical Behavior Therapy in Clinical Practice: Applications across Disorders and Settings

  2. Doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy: A Practical Guide (Guides to Individualized Evidence-Based Treatment)

  3. Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

  4. DBT® Skills Training Manual, Second Edition

u/UnfavoriteThisPerson · 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Oh man. This is a really hard place for you to be in, given that you're still in high school and dependent on your family. A lot of what helps (no contact, setting boundaries, etc) are either unavailable as options, or much much harder to execute for you. You have my sympathies.

If you haven't yet, I'd suggest you do some reading. Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson was really helpful for me - you probably get a copy of it through your library. It's gendered about mothers, but equally applicable for your Dad. It'll help you understand how his BPD has affected your development and general steps on how to heal and handle your dad. Stop Walking on Eggshells will also be a good resource for you.

Any attempts to control his behavior will likely set him off, so at this point, work on you. Here's what I recommend:

  • Work on holding your own inherit goodness intact

  • Work on setting and holding firm boundaries with people

  • Keep your relationship strong with your siblings, all to often my sister and I were pitted against each other

  • Find an outlet to vent your stress and emotions. Having a BPD parent is emotionally taxing and it's easy to keep it bottled up because you feel like you should. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or just your friends will help make unbearable pain more bearable

  • Focus on getting out. College was my way out of my of escaping the house. Making sure I got academic scholarships was how I was financially independent.

  • Learn how you've been shaped by your dad's mental illness. Oftentimes, we've learned to fawn or shut down or fight in times of conflict. We condition ourselves to walk on eggshells with everyone, not just our parent. We also learn rescuing behaviors.

  • Write events down. People with BPD often deny or minimize their abusive behaviors, so having something physical will help you retain your sense of reality.

    I think it's also helpful to remember that if your dad does have BPD, there's a physiological difference in his brain. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it does mean that his perception of reality is going to be distorted.
u/mnibah · 2 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

your sis seem very "flying monkey" right now. Grab a really good book/ use google on N and educate yourself and your family (spouse). When you do have to face, practice observe and not absorb

I like this book (in no way endorsement, google is best free option IMHO),

u/Inchaote · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having flashbacks, that sounds like an incredibly intense experience. And I'm sorry to hear that reaching out and asking for support backfired. If that had happened to me at your age, I just would have never talked to the counselor again. Where I'm at now, I'd probably go back and clarify that my mother was abusive, if I thought that the counselor would "get it." (There's plenty of shitty therapists in the world, same as in any profession, and unfortunately, you're stuck with whoever the school hired.)

A year in an abusive household can be an eternity. I remember being 17. But I did get out. It hasn't always been easy, but it has always, always been worth it. And my life has been pretty amazing since then. I've gotten to go places and do things that I never thought I'd be able to. I've met and connected with people who also have their own unique backgrounds, and their own fire for life.

I don't know how much your mom monitors your phone, but if she doesn't check the phone numbers on the phone bill (Mine did - she had zero hobbies) or if you have access to a burner phone, you might consider calling a hotline for support in the future. Unlike your school counsellor, the hotline people won't talk to your mom.

If you haven't read Becoming The Narcissist's Nightmare I highly recommend it. It might be helpful for dealing with her while you still live at home. (Kindle or maybe don't bring it into the house, though.)

Is there some "safe" activity that your Nmom can't really say no to that would get you out from under her supervision more? Volunteering? Doing some boring task for her? (Even if you aren't supervised, ten bucks says that she'll be tempted to take you up on it on account of laziness.)

It will get better. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Keep the faith!

u/FallFromEden · 2 pointsr/ABCDesis

First of all, sorry for responding so late. I saw your comment, but didn't have time to really sit down and give it the attention it warrants. Here is my reply:

This is an excellent and one of the most important points. Unfortunately, health care in America sucks in general and this is even worse for mental health due to a lack of understanding on the part of insurance companies about the nature of mental illness.

I do not have a great answer to your question because I've never really looked into it. There were some sites that seemed like good places to start that I found by Googling around:

NAMI HelpLine


These are just other general thoughts/ideas:

-If you have insurance and are not really sure what's covered, call them and ask. You'll get a good idea of what's covered, what the copayment is likely to be etc. Even if the copay is more than you can afford, that is not necessarily the end. Many mental health practitioners operate on a sliding-scale which means they have some flexibility in terms of copayment.

-Look into universities or hospitals in your area. They often have clinical trainees or researchers who can see you for a reduced fee or even for free (e.g. in exchange for participation in a research study).

-I was going to say go to your local place of worship, but I am not sure how connected to mental health resources temples and masjids are.

-If you're a student with or without insurance, go to your campus counseling center and talk to them. They usually know practitioners they work with who have cheaper rates for students.

-If you don't have insurance and you aren't a student, there are hotlines or centers that might be able to help you get health insurance. I am not knowledgable of this process, but Google or asking on other subs could help.

-Depending on where you live, there can be support groups offered in the community. It isn't ideal, but you'll receive some form of support and it may help connect to other resources.

-Finally, sometimes seeing a therapist is just not an option. Whether it's due to just not being able to afford it, or maybe you live in an area that lacks mental health resources. In those cases, I could think of a few things.

You can find support groups on the internet. Not necessarily Reddit, but there are entire forums dedicated to people who experience depression, anxiety, substance abuse issues, etc. I'm sure there is a range of variance on the quality, but you should never discount the power of social support, even if it's not through a physical medium.

The other approach is self-education about mental health. Even though I put it as the last option, this is definitely one of the most powerful ones. There are a lot of great books and research papers out there on mental health, understanding specific disorders, and full clinical manuals. Some of these are not really accessible to people outside the field, but a lot of these are meant for the average consumer. You need to be careful because there is a lot of crap out there too. Check reviews, make sure the source is evidence and research based. This one is so critical. Through decades of research, we have a good understanding of many disorders, as well as the treatment approaches that are effective for them. It's important to consume content that is based on these scientific methods. If you need help deciding which books are good, again Google around or perhaps go to a psychology-focused forum and ask for opinions. One good approach is to read books written by the people who actually developed the therapies! Here are two good examples I like:

CBT for Depression


I fully realize that when you're struggling with a problem, you may feel that you don't have the physical or psychological resources to try to take this approach. But you should always know that this choice is available to you. It's something that you can try. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. But it will definitely not hurt you.

u/TreeTopFairy · 2 pointsr/CPTSD

Even though I've worked with a therapist throughout my entire healing journey so far, she did encourage me to do DBT self study with this book:

It concentrates a lot on mindfulness and emotional control. It's been really helpful, and probably something you could do successfully on your own.

u/treebee1210 · 2 pointsr/ExNoContact

This is the DBT course with the handouts I'm working through at my university. So it depends what you're looking for.

u/yayididit · 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I have this

It's a workbook. It's supposed to be group therapy type of class, but I could not do that (I went to a few sessions), because DBT is the recommended treatment for BPD, so I'm guessing there were people with BPD there, and the group sharing just set me on edge and didn't feel safe for me to share and heal.

u/MiasmicCheesecake · 2 pointsr/BPD

I have that workbook. It’s super helpful. My therapist also recommended the one by Linehan , who created DBT, I believe. It’s the one my therapist uses. It’s in my Amazon shopping cart right now so if you buy it first, let me know if it’s worth while! I’ve done several pages out of it but I haven’t flipped thru the whole thing yet (obviously, since I haven’t bought it yet lol)

u/erinneudorf · 2 pointsr/BPD

Number one, take a deep breathe and tell yourself that you are still you. You haven’t suddenly changed into someone else, you haven’t lost you’re identity. You aren’t bpd. You have bpd.

Number two, but these two books: DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner: 365 Days of Healthy Living for You...

They will be super useful for your dbt. And make sure you do dbt! It’s life changing and is honestly the biggest, best treatment.

Number Three: ask yours loved ones to do their research. There are tons of great books out there, if they can understand your disorder they can be a support for you.

I hope this helps. I just know those are things I wish I had known a lot sooner.

u/jataw · 2 pointsr/wallpapers

> Schizophrenia - Hood - Unpredictable - Bipolar - Intense

I'm being snarky. I have bipolar disorder and this is part of the homework I have to do for my counselor. It's not a very interesting aesthetic.

u/russiandashcam · 2 pointsr/stopdrinking

Sounds good! I think it's extremely beneficial to learn with professionals. I have worked with several counselors at my IOPE setting and a few therapists on my own. In IOP they were using this book:

I bought a copy myself and have continued to study/reflect/practice the techniques. Opposite action in Emotion Regulation has been the most useful to me.

u/Owlisius · 2 pointsr/ftm

Certainly! CBT is really helpful too, and there's a bit of crossover between it and DBT.

DBT is a pretty intensive program, usually to do it the way Linehan sets it out requires individual therapy and group therapy but the literature has recently shown some benefits to just the skills portion (the work that's usually done in an individual setting) of the program.

This is what we used for ourselves and clients when I was learning about DBT DBT is pretty proprietary so a lot of the stuff is way more geared towards training therapists, but the skills manual is probably the easiest to grok as a client-recommendation.

Talk with your therapist too about incorporating DBT, they might have more ready access to the materials needed. ACT is a little more user friendly in regards to accessibility for clients and personal work and covers pretty similar ideas.

Oh and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Mindfulnesses Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (MCBT) also cover some of the same ground too, and are easier to work into a running CBT program. Those might be helpful to bring up too.

u/egglentine · 2 pointsr/dbtselfhelp

I'm in a DBT group and we learn skills from this book

I learn the skills more in a group than from the book itself. But I've never encountered anything spiritual.
Part of DBT treatment is learning to accept things as they are (as opposed to how you think they should be) ... so perhaps choosing to ignore the spiritual aspect and focusing on the parts that work best for you is a DBT skill in itself.

u/BlackberryMagpie · 2 pointsr/BPD

Do you have this one ? From what I've seen, it seems to be the gold standard of DBT workbooks. It's by Marsha M Linehan who apparently struggled with BPD herself before going on to pretty much found DBT as we know it. I'd recommend starting with that.

u/ThrowMeAwy1996 · 2 pointsr/dbtselfhelp

My therapy group uses DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan

I asked my therapist for the name so I could see about getting a copy for myself.

Edit, there's also a companion book that's just the worksheets that are used. These are activities and homework we get assigned. link

u/considerthepineapple · 2 pointsr/aspergirls

The two I found the most useful are This one which is the first one I started with. Once I went through that book I then got This one along with the manual. I then got myself this diary to keep track of using the skills.

I didn't find all the activities helpful, I think it's about picking and choosing what feels good/works best for you.

u/smurfette8675309 · 2 pointsr/ADHD

A type of CBT that has been very helpful for me is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Instead of "therapy," it's called Skills Training. This book has worksheets that walk you through the process.

Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist. If anything comes up that is too much for you, get in touch with a professional. This may be something you shouldn't do in your own.

However, this is more for the emotional side of things, Reactive Dysphoria, etc. So, YMMV.

u/Kill_Me_Now_World · 2 pointsr/seduction

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

It’s not a “game” book and it’s not a “help” book it’s a fact driven very helpful book. Different skills apply to different people but it’s for sure worth a look. Maybe even take a class for real and get all that nasty shit out of your system. For real, you deserve someone in your life dude.

u/jojo611 · 2 pointsr/BPD

Hi there again, I checked with the people who brought out the German DBT book I told you about. They recommended this and this one I really believe and trust that they know what they are doing.

u/AWarriorNotSurvivor · 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I'm surprised she was honest and told you. I'm glad you know! Things will make a lot more sense as you learn about it.

These are my recommendations:

u/shamelessintrovert · 2 pointsr/Schizoid

Here's a good description of what I mean from Masterson's Disorders of the Self:


It's a really effective strategy, until it isn't. Then you're kinda fucked. At least that was my experience...

u/jujubeanzzzz · 1 pointr/mentalhealth

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Here's a link to a book that might help, it's helped me understand my borderline but it's written for the perspective of people close to someone with bpd.
overcoming borderline

u/UrbanCowgirl79 · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

Well, she trained you since birth to be her enabler. It's not your fault. You figured it out now, and that's what's important. I guarantee you if she'd found an LTR when you were a kid, that person would have only been an enabler, but her head enabler. Less of the emotional labor would have fallen on you but it wouldn't have made you mother any more functional or emotionally healthy.

I haven't read this book, I've only read about this book, Understanding the Borderline Mother. Sorry for the shitty quality of this site but it's the best explanation I found of the 4 "types" discussed in the book. The Witch, the Queen, the Waif, the Hermit, although a person can be more than 1 type. It sounds like your mother, if you think she may also have BPD, is definitely "the waif".

My mother, from my experience with her, has enough of the symptoms on the list of narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder to be classified as both. Per that book's types, she's a witch & hermit.

Also, there's a drama series from American premium cable in the early 00's called "Six Feet Under" about what is obviously a Waif BPD mother and her 3 adult children. You may like that one if you haven't seen it, or want to re-watch. Your description of your mother made me think of that show.

u/Mart243 · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

Do NOT put anything past them: she came to my workplace to assault me, breach the no contact conditions a bunch of times, lied to my kids saying that I sexually abused her during our 19 years together, .. they will stop at NOTHING.

It can turn into a fucking nightmare but it's all worth it in the end, I see a faint light at the end of a tunnel and a bright future for me. My kids have never been so happy and relaxed. Which brings the question: you will likely lose custody if you leave the kids behind with her. ie: "if it was so bad with her, why did you leave the kids there?". What do the kids think? Do they want to move with you? They are old enough to have a voice but may not know what they want at this point in time since they have lots of empathy for their mom.

Do NOT give her a heads up. Act first. It will be explosive no matter what but at least she won't be able to sabotage your plan. Prepare for the worst as I've pointed out, and if it doesn't happen consider it a bonus.

Plan for some counselling for the kids, and read this to see how she'll fuck them up if you don't act:

At some point you'll feel guilty of going it and have doubts so buy this book and read it ASAP. It will clear up the fog a bit. You are not alone.

Seriously: RECORD EVERYTHING. It will be what saved my kids and what saved me.

u/laurenshapiro · 1 pointr/needadvice

Hi there. I think you need to make this decision yourself while understanding the ramifications of being 15 years old and having to support yourself entirely.

As far as living with your dad, it might be worth trying family counseling.
As for your mom, borderline personality disorder is a rough disorder but with treatment and help things do get better.

My professor recommends this book to kids of mom's with borderline personality disorder. Hopefully it helps you.

Good luck!

u/inhplease · 1 pointr/Codependency

Then you can afford therapy, which was one of your concerns. Most therapists are willing to negotiate a lower fee if you are a college student, unemployed, or without insurance.

It is wise to be careful about which therapist to see. Finding a good therapist is hard. A big mistake that I kept making was going to the first therapist that was close to me and had an opening for an intake. Don't do this!! I wasted years doing this, because I ended up feeling guilty about leaving a therapist when things were not working out. My guilty response here was very codependent.

You want to research therapists online and find one that looks like a good match. You can google "codependency therapists" along with your local city to see which therapists are available. You can also use psychology today:

Codependency is very common, and there are therapists that treat it in almost any major city. It might also be helpful to find a therapist who has treated BPD patients since you said your mom was BPD, like mine. These therapists would have a much better idea of what you have been through. Here is a book that helped me:

Good luck!

u/avagolden · 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

Of course I don't mind! I just finished Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. I highly recommend that one. It has exercises throughout the book that I'm finding extremely helpful . I just started Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. This one is pricey but it seems to be a favorite for a lot of people. I'm only at the beginning, but I think it's going to be really good.

u/stars_in_my_darkness · 1 pointr/BPD

I bought as many books as I could on DBT and ACT not all at once only when I could afford it.

I started by reading


to get a better understanding of BPD and DBT. and right now I am working with these workbooks:


and I have just ordered this one.

the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy book I got is (I have yet to start this one):

I do what is on the workbooks and I also do further research on the skills online so I can understand it better and see what works and what doesn't for me and I test them out forcing myself to do exposure sessions ( or try to get used to using them in the moment they are needed or helpful) and I write down everything so I don't forget and kind of monitor myself and my progress.

u/Syjefroi · 1 pointr/DeepIntoYouTube

I agree, CBT is the way to go, or DBT, a sort of cousin to CBT, depending on your needs. DBT works better for, say, someone suffering from narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, which is often accompanied by some form of depression.

This book can work well if you can't afford a therapist. What state are you in? If you have some kind of health insurance, you can check Psychology Today's therapist search tool and find someone near you who takes your insurance. Search for your insurance and CBT/DBT specialists.

We've come a long way with understanding the brain and how it works, and CBT/DBT is the culmination of decades of good research and study. It's not a new-age-y get-healthy-quick thing, it's a real method for healing emotional unwellness and it's worth your time to learn about it.

u/crowens9178 · 1 pointr/BPD

I totally resonate with this. I just started DBT interpersonal effectiveness, and the first part was about understanding what my goals are in any interaction. I mean to tell you what, that information itself was life changing for me. If something is bothering me, I now have tools to go down a checklist and decide if it is something I want to address with the other person. And tools to do it effectively so that I can get my needs met in a healthy way. Your feelings are always valid, but not always the best guidance for what you want to achieve. If you can, look into DBT groups in your area, and if not, even just get yourself the workbook by Marsha Linehan and start reading it. The stuff is super simple (so far) and I have had so many lightbulb moments. Here is the book I have:

u/moonfall · 1 pointr/socialanxiety

I haven't heard of that! It sounds like a good resource. It's awesome that you have people in your life with the knowledge and awareness to suggest something like that. I would have loved to have had that kind of support from the people around me as a teenager.

I've been using this workbook.. I really like it and find it useful. There aren't really explanations for the purposes or research behind the various exercises in the book, but it's great for building practical skills for "crisis management" and diverting damaging thought patterns.

u/kim_yoseob · 1 pointr/BPD

I have this book and I have purchased this one as well: DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition
I found it to be very helpful as well. It can be bought with the manual but I found it to be unnecessary as it seems to be mostly for the doctor who is using the workbook with clients.

u/sunshine682 · 1 pointr/BPD

In my experience DBT has a lot of handouts and worksheets. We use these in our DBT class:

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

That being said, your therapist will help you work through that past trauma. Don’t worry, it will come with time.

I’ve really enjoyed this book as it uses real world examples to apply DBT skills to. It’s geared towards women but works for anyone:

Stronger Than BPD: The Girl's Guide to Taking Control of Intense Emotions, Drama, and Chaos Using DBT

u/pointe_plus_plus · 1 pointr/depressionregimens

No problem! If you’re interested in looking over some of the material beforehand, you could check out this book. It’s the skills worksheet book for DBT by Marsha Linehan, who invented DBT

u/AnguisetteAntha · 1 pointr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

I used this one, her skills book and the videos (took a look, but not sure where the whole package is) Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

This one is I think more general DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition

There's a lot of controversy here, I won't lie. People are pretty divided over her efficacy. All I know is that I was diagnosed at 17 with BPD, in recovery at 19 and missing most traces of the issue by 21.

u/FlockOfSeaShells · 1 pointr/Buddhism

Oh, this was the wrong link. This one is better:

The handbook is more for therapists, and the worksheets are for actual DBT practice.

Hope this helps.

u/easytigerpinklady · 1 pointr/BPD

Can I link to amazon?

Edit: So this is the manual I linked here first, but I actually have the workbook

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition The Gui...

u/Corrina2017 · 1 pointr/AMA

I have been diagnosed with BPD officially for a year now. Prior to that I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2. Honestly my experience with medication hasn't been great. I totally hear you about feeling like a lab rat. Currently I am on Guanfacine, which is normally an ADD/Autism med meant to curb impulsivity. I have been on anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, and anti-depressants all of which were minimally effective and had shitty side effects. However, I HAVE SEEN MARKED IMPROVEMENT since I have started a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. DBT is similar but different than CBT, and was specifically designed for BPD. It is essentially Buddhism meets Western psych. I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY ENOUGH. I went through an intensive CBT program before starting the DBT program and didn't see any results despite a lot of effort. The entire point of DBT is learning skills to manage your reactions to triggers. You can control your brain not the other way around. I linked to the wiki page about DBT in another comment, but here's kind of the run down. A PROPER DBT program will consist of two parts, group therapy and individual therapy. In group therapy you discuss and learn skills meant to help you regulate emotions, increase stress tolerance, decrease vulnerability to triggers, and improve interpersonal relationships. You use a textbook, current edition here:
and you work through the worksheets and diagrams as weekly "homework". Mindfulness exercises are also a part of group therapy, often in the form of a guided meditation. In individual therapy you work through problems you are facing in your life and see when/how to apply the skills you are learning in group. Focus is on how to deal with current issues and triggers rather than digging really deep into why you have BPD, so if you have co-morbid PTSD you should be ok ( although it does deal with how to apply skills to thoughts/feelings brought up by past trauma). Again, I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT ENOUGH. Also, be careful of half-ass programs. Like I said a proper program with have both Group and Individual therapy. Often, there are Group programs floating around on their own, which are more support groups than skills training. Do your research on a the place providing the therapy before diving in to ensure it is the full skills training. I also recommend this book: it was very inspiring.

u/AiliaBlue · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

Typically DBT is supposed to use group and individual DBT therapy in concert, so if they're not doing that, they're already doing less than the
ideal setup.

Here's the book we used at the DBT place I went to - which was a yearlong committment of individual and group every week. The book actually delineates that as well. It sounds as if they're not quite doing DBT in the most effective way, so you may want to look into another office.

I strongly suggest using DBT still if possible - It really is designed for our sort of issues (aka learning to adult after shitty parents ruined everything), and after the full year program, I don't need meds anymore. I'm still not 100%, but I'm fairly certain I never will be. But not needing meds was a huge improvement for me!

u/SpottedPaws · 1 pointr/AdviceAnimals

So, to avoid future confusion, CBT is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (usually used for people with personality disorders). Maybe using the full names instead of the acronyms will help clarify for them? CBT would be in the style of Ellis, where DBT is from Linehan, if they know about theoretical founders. The two are incredibly similar.

DBT does require quite a bit of training to do properly, and it's done in groups, not individual sessions. However, you can send him to this book which will provide him the resources he'd need for using this piece of the treatment. Also, it depends what qualifications your therapist has- when he goes to do his continuing education credits, he can specifically look for CBT-based sessions.

Psychodynamic is quite different from CBT or DBT. I'm surprised you found a psychodynamic provider who takes Medicaid, honestly. Usually psychoanalytic and psychodynamic are out-of-pocket only. Psychiatric hospitals tend to have something called "Intensive Outpatient Programs" (IOP) which accept Medicaid and will train you in these skills. Another resource, if you really want to try that approach and your therapist does not provide it is to go to Psychology Today and they will let you enter your zip code, type of therapy requested, and which insurances you need the provider to accept, and it will tell you who is available in your area.

u/mladakurva · 1 pointr/awesome

The book about #9. Very interesting read!

u/greatplainsskeptic · 1 pointr/oklahoma

When you have someone whose core problematic set of cognitions revolve around how they are amazing and better than most people, it's hard to convince that person they need therapy to improve themselves ;)

In terms of most likely therapy, this is a good template -

u/NMotherNDaughter · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Thanks for that thoughtful reply!

I love how your first paragraph demonstrates exactly the kind of response that would "catch narcissists like honey": Open flattery ("Wow. You about nailed me perfectly.") followed by insight of your own demonstrating that you are a worthy subordinate. Where do you live; I want you in my life! ;)

> Was there some part of you that wanted to change, or was it really all pressure from your boyfriend? The standard wisdom about change these days seems to be that you can't influence anyone else to change if they're not already doing it for themselves.

The literature (e.g. Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders, Overcoming Resistant Personality Disorders, Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality, etc.) says that narcissists will deny that anything is wrong with us and aggressively resist changing until we have either dug ourselves into a hole too deep for us to get out of (which induces narcissistic depression) or a valued partner threatens to leave if we do not change. These are the two reasons narcissists may decide to enter therapy.

In therapy we are challenging patients, and we frequently terminate therapy before any progress has been made. However, if our defenses do get broken down, from that point on we are more open to "reconstruction" than e.g. avoidant patients. Once we learn to be vulnerable and have the experience that just because we are flawed it does not mean that we are absolutely worthless, we are tremendously relieved (narcissists carry quite a burden, you know) and then we start to realize how increased self-awareness benefits us. From that point on we start to be more self-motivated and cooperative.

In my case it took more than a year from the time my SO first started to take issue with my behavior to when I first made an appointment with a therapist. The first one was awful and I never went back, but I had 13 sessions with the second one I found. She helped me realize just how unaware I was of my emotions, which was eye-opening, but eventually I manipulated her into thinking my problems were caused by my SO. When I realized what had happened, I abruptly terminated therapy. Then I tried two more therapists neither of whom understood me, I felt, and for a while I gave up on therapy, thinking I was too complex for anyone to be able to help me. However, I became desperate to learn to be good enough to my SO that he wouldn't leave me, so eventually I wormed my way into a treatment program for personality disorders. There I finally I got a therapist who knew how to see through me and handle me. She was closer in age to my mother than to me and it was incredibly effective to have her behave toward me the way a good mother would have done - affectionately helping me to identify and cope with my own emotions and also getting appropriately angry with me when I made her feel bad. It was like getting a second chance at being raised right.

Aaaaanyway, my point is that it took A LOT of time, tears and therapy (and also meditation) before my defenses were broken down and a humbler, more secure and more empathic self was nurtured. I've been incredibly lucky in how my SO has simultaneously pushed and supported me and also in the chemistry I had with my last therapist, and no way in hell I would've come this far without all that help. The odds of other narcissists being that lucky are not good.

I don't kid myself that I'm "cured". I think I will always feel irrationally entitled. In particular I struggle with the self-discipline to work hard and carry my own weight, because I can't seem to shake the notion that things ought to be easy for me. When my SO and I argue these days, it is usually either because I have not completed a task that we had agreed I should do (we work together part-time on our own business) or because he feels I am insufficiently empathetic with him/not making enough of an effort to be there for him emotionally - and I have to agree that I don't push myself as hard as I should. My life circumstances are currently good enough that I don't have to struggle too much, but I intend to remain childless because I do not think I have it in me to sacrifice my own needs. (My SO does not want children either so we're on the same page.) But I do feel like a changed person with a genuine humility and a sense of conscience that I did not have before. I don't look down on others the way I used to and I don't exploit others even when I can get away with it because now that I actually look myself in the mirror, metaphorically speaking, I want to be able to respect myself.

On that note, I probably should get back to the work I'm currently procrastinating on........ ;)

Edit: Forgot to ask what you think the payoff is for you in hanging out with narcissists? You seem aware of how it's bad for you, but there must be something you get out of it. You mention that you feel cool for being the only one to understand them and also that you tend to blend into the scenery. Do narcissists recognize something in you that others don't, or what do you think is the attraction for you?

u/manitou420 · 1 pointr/ebooks

Thank you! This looks interesting.

Amazon Canada store link

u/viejaymohosas · 1 pointr/Codependency

For me, The New Codependency by Melody Beattie was better than Codependent No More. I have been reading The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse and it has been really helpful.

u/TranZeitgeist · 0 pointsr/BPD

Checking the site u/jagreenday linked and sorting with her insurance would be best. I would also recommend you contact the best options and explain financial situation, sometimes they would offer reduced rate. A university in the area might have DBT therapy or groups led by people in training.

Other than that, workbooks can be effective, especially with others to practice with, if she is willing to commit some effort. These 2 are popular: and

u/RrailThaKing · -11 pointsr/todayilearned

>Their definition is the exact opposite of low emotional variance.

I love how smug you probably felt while writing that. Take the time to actually read up on psychopathy. The dictionary definition is not accurate.

Here's your source:

A defining characteristic of psychopathy is experiencing diminished, or no, emotional variance under stress. Your source on that would be Robert Hare, who conducted an incredible amount of testing on the subject and essentially invented the concept of psychopathy.

Psychopaths are, like all mental illness, best represented by a spectrum. There are those "with the dials all turned up" that are emotionally unstable and act out violently regularly, but there are a great many who operate with low emotional variance and are far more in control of themselves in a given situation than an ordinary person. Their testing involved subjecting test subjects to scenes/pictures of violence and were able to identify the lowest emotional reaction as psychopaths.