Best self-help books according to redditors

We found 62,867 Reddit comments discussing the best self-help books. We ranked the 12,192 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.

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Death & grief books
Healthy relationships books
Books about creativity
Books about happiness
Books about inner child
Journal writing books
Memory improvement books
Motivational books
Personal transformation books
Self esteem books
Stress management books
Personal success books
Spiritual self-help books
Books about abuse
Books about dreams
Eating disorder books
Hypnosis books
Handwriting analysis books
Spiritual self help books
Anger management books
Anxiety & phobia books
Time management books
Mid-life management books
Communication & social skills books
Emotional self help books
Neuro-linguistic programming books
Art therapy & relaxation books

Top Reddit comments about Self-Help:

u/DanteLesnie · 1360 pointsr/AskReddit

Unfortunately, I don't think she got around to reading The Ethical Slut yet.

u/Fey_fox · 776 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Your sister is in heavy denial about the abuse she's been suffering.

This isn't your fault. All the police were doing is investigating a situation. They heard enough when approaching the scene to feel like the situation was dangerous enough to pull out their weapons. What you said may have given them concern, but to be concerned enough to pull a firearm is another matter entirely. They only supposed to do that when there's a danger to themselves or others. Your sister's husband was dumb enough to raise a gun to a cop. Doesn't matter if it was loaded it not, no cop is going to wait to find out because waiting can cost a life, theirs or an innocent. I'm wondering if he was trying to commit suicide by cop. Anyone who knows anything about guns and the law is that once you raise a gun to a cop they will shoot.

You may have saved your sister's & her son's life, even if she won't thank you for it. As for her inlaws, I doubt they can make a lawsuit stick. All you did was ask the police to check on your sister. What happened as a result of that is not your fault. It sounds to me like everyone involved is mentally sick, and it's sad all around. I think maybe there couldn't have been a good outcome, just degrees of bad.

This whole situation reminds me of a book called The Gift of Fear. That book may help you come to some sort of understanding of why this may of happened, & honestly I think this book should be required reading for young folks.

I'm sorry this happened. Good luck to you and your family.

u/Shrinking-Nox · 632 pointsr/explainlikeimfive

I'm a doctoral candidate in clinical psych and a therapist, so here's my two cents on this phenomena. Please remember that this information is a generalization based off of existing research and observation of humans--there are always exceptions to any rule.

One thing I often tell my patients is that we notice negative events more often because the positive stuff is happening all the time. Think of it like bad reviews on Yelp. Most of the time, if you had a decent experience somewhere, unless the experience was exceptional you're probably unlikely to post about said experience. Whereas if something bad happened, you definitely want to tell the world, right?

Secondly, negative emotions are associated with the release of a lot of different neurotransmitters and hormones, such as cortisol and epinephrine (adrenaline). Both of those stimulate our nervous systems to enter fight/flight mode--this is a heightened state of arousal. Generally speaking, positive emotions don't put us into fight or flight mode unless we perceive something as a threat.

This is the same reason that we are more inclined to remember nightmares rather than dreams. Nightmares release the same chemicals and wake us (very quickly) from sleep.

All of that said, as to why we "seek" risky behaviors, that's all human nature. If you tell a kid "no" to something, what are they going to try and do? They'll find a way to do it. It's quite possible that this is because we like adrenaline rushes (and that's why adrenaline junkies exist).

Lastly, violence, drugs and vices are not usually seen as negative experiences by the people who partake in them. Mostly because they are getting some positive reinforcement from their brains--usually a flooding of dopamine (the feel good neurotransmitter).

TL;DR: Good stuff happens more so we don't always see it and being bad makes us feel good sometimes (like sneaking cookies from the cookie jar).




Edit: If you are struggling with negative thinking, please consider seeing a therapist! Additionally, here are some resources for changing the way you think!


u/FlatusGiganticus · 563 pointsr/JusticeServed

> What a creepy little fucker. He gave me bad vibes the minute I met him. Goes to show that your intuition about people is right sometimes.

The Gift of Fear

Read it. Dead serious. It will change your perspective on your gut instincts.

u/DILGE · 509 pointsr/videos

Ah yes, same here. Married 6 years. I should have figured it out when she wrote a horribly nasty letter to my mom behind my back about a year in, but she had me convinced somehow that my mom was at fault for whatever it was. She also turned on all my friends one by one, saying this person is mean, that person is a terrible friend etc when the only one freaking out and causing drama was my ex. All my friends knew what a train wreck it was, but I wouldn't have listened to them if they had said anything. I had to come to the realization myself and it took me way too long. Like years too long.

As someone else mentioned, it really is likely to be Borderline Personality Disorder. For anyone else dealing with this, I recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. It really helped me at the time.

Also she knows my username and I couldn't care less if she reads this. Fuck you bitch, I hope your life has further unraveled and people aren't willing to put up with your shit!

edit - grammar

u/CackalackyCat · 384 pointsr/AskWomen

Don't ever compromise your safety -- even to avoid appearing rude or unfriendly -- if your gut instinct tells you it's a sketchy situation. Good people will understand, and even if they don't, who gives a shit, safety is more important. Example: An otherwise friendly, well-dressed, articulate man knocks on your door and says he needs to borrow money for gas or use your phone, but you feel uncomfortable, etc.

Good book on this topic

u/youmeanwhatnow · 366 pointsr/pics

I started drawing when I was 25 you can do it too if you try! Most people can only draw stick people if the only drawing they ever did was in grade school. You’ll find at first that you draw like a grade schooler, because well, that’s the last time you drew. You just pick up wher you left off. I find that is what discourages people from continuing. It’s to be expected though. You can practice your way up in no time. I know you’re not exactly asking, but thought I’d throw it out there for anyone who feels the same and feels like they can’t draw. You’ll catch up quicker than someone who’s really a child but it’ll take some work and some practice obviously! Just don’t give up because you draw like a child... to be fair you pretty much are drawing like a child at first. I recommend picking up a couple book and checking a couple YouTube channels!

Edit: r/ArtFundamentals is helpful used to be known as drawabox. First book I picked up was Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I’ve picked up many many more since then!

u/AceofToons · 345 pointsr/offmychest

You missed one.

Real mental health awareness means treating it like the rest of a person's health.

In Canada it blows my mind (pun unintended) that mental health isn't covered by our health care system.

I would like to recommend a book to a fellow introvert it's called Quiet, it's a very good book on introverts.

u/i_Got_Rocks · 251 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck

Your value system says, "If this girl likes me, I like me."

Your value system should say, "I like me, no matter what happens to me. Because some things can't be helped, and you can't control other people. If other people don't like me, it's okay, I will find people that DO like me. Everyone is free to do what they want, but this girl that I'm interested in, can do what she wants. If she doesn't want me, it's okay, I'll go on to the next one."

There's something going on inside you that is waiting for the world to approve of you. Don't feed that false concept. The world will fail you at some time, and you will break (as you're doing at the moment). And the world will never approve you enough--ever.

Instead, consider a new concept. Start a new habit.

Say to yourself, "I am not OUTCOME dependent. I am process dependent." Meaning, you don't rely on the OUTCOME of situations to feel happy or sad--that's reactionary. Be proactive. Rely on yourself and only yourself for your emotions. Right now, your emotions are dependent on that girl--and sooner or later, it will be another chick, and another, and you will always be sad or unfulfilled because you can't control others. Depend on yourself to have fun, to feel good, as much as possible at any given situation.

It's hard to change. It's hard to be a new person that takes responsibility of their emotions. It's hard to be proactive. But hey, being reactive to the world, depending on people to always make you feel happy is exhausting too--and as you can see, it's not a solution to fixing the most important thing in this talk: you.

You're not exactly broken, what's broken is the way you relate and think about yourself. Pretend you are your own best friend. How would you treat your best friend? Would you beat them down all the time? Would you say, "hey, if that chick rejects you, you're not shit." O


Would you say, "Dude, she's just one chick. And truth, you don't know what she thinks about everything. She might have some hidden thoughts that would turn you off forever--maybe she thinks that Jews really are the source of the world's problems, you don't know. Maybe she picks her toes daily and doesn't wash her hands after. Bro, just let her go, and go on about your life. Believe me, if you work on yourself and focus on being better, it gets better."

I know which best friend I like better.

Be your own best friend, always. That's the real issue here. Take care of yourself, I cannot state that enough. Good luck, bro.

Edit: Thank for the gold, whomever it was. I wasn't looking for karma or gold, just trying to pass some of what has helped me. I would also like to link the following, as they were HUGE helps to me in changing my life and way of thinking.

Link 1: Check out the top comment on this post (the comment is not mine):

Link 2: This little book helped me go inside myself and deal with my demons--very important don't skip through the book, just follow the simple instructions as if it were a manual--I know, that seems stupid, but trust me on this one:

Some other suggestions: Listen to Eric Thomas, this is what got me started--You have to want it, really, really want it:

I also suggest "The Power of Habit":

I'll give you the important thing about it, in case you can't buy it: Almost everything you do is tied to a habit and you're not aware of it. Even our thoughts. He breaks down all the scientific data on how individuals and entire societies form habits and change them.

Every habit has a cue/trigger, a process, and a reward.


Cue: Someone rejects me. Process: I feel bad, my thoughts keep spinning on why can't they like me... Reward: I feel like shit.

However, if you don't press the cue/trigger--you're way less likely to play the habit out. So, if I'm tired of feeling like crap, I stop asking girls out. But then, a new habit develops--

Cue: I avoid social situations. Process: I feel bad for being "weird" in social situations. Reward: Social anxiety.

All you did was replace an unproductive habit with an unproductive habit.

As you can see, not all rewards are positive--that's why it's important to change our cues, process, and rewards from habits. Recognize your habits, and you'll have more power to change them. Replace unproductive habits with ones that help you grow. If you interrupt your triggers, you change the habit easily--usually, if you're past the trigger, your habit will take over, without you even thinking about it. This goes for our thought habits as well.

Good luck to everyone. I leave you with this, "Pain is temporary, it may last for a moment, a month, or even a year. But if you get through that pain, at the end of that pain is a reward." Think about it like this, would you rather:

A. Hurt, keep doing the same thing, keep hurting from the misery you keep getting.


B. Hurt because you're changing into something better. Hurt on the journey to being stronger one year from now?

It'll be hard, very hard. Some people will not believe in you, but you'll be better if you stick with it.

You'll hurt either way, why not get something out of your pain? That's the choice I made. And every human being has that power. I've only been doing this for a few months--but dealing with me has changed everything around me.

u/ineedanusername-o · 240 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL


  • she kidnapped your child and this "school" allowed it to happen
  • this "school" was incompetent, complicit, and negligent in allowing someone NOT registered to pick up your child
  • I found it hilarious once you said that you're going to the board SUDDENLY the principal was no longer "busy"
  • a R/O is MUST at this point, no more fucking around
  • a police report MUST be filed, it's time to build some paper trail or add to the paper trail
  • if you haven't already, LAWYER UP! it's time to bring EVERYONE from the teachers to the principal to the school district to whoever into that court room and drag their asses through the fucking fire
  • consider relocating completely and radio silence for EVERYONE until your family feels safe (or maybe not even then). pretend you're in the witness relocation program

    your MIL is reaching for power and control. you know the stories. you know how these cunts play the game. she's already shown you that she gives ZERO FUCKS ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND MORE ABOUT BEING THE ONE IN POWER AND CONTROL

    you haven't yet, read The gift of fear


u/JP_AMA · 235 pointsr/MensLib

I see that you are a young man with an inquiring mind! I go into the five aspects of chaos in my book available for order here, as well as the 17 reasons why only tryhards choose Tau.

u/sethra007 · 229 pointsr/childfree

Two-and-a-half years?! I'm very sorry, u/exquisitelyexhausted but that's stalking behavior.

Start keeping records of his attempts to contact you. His showing up at your gym is not a good sign--in fact, it's a sign that he may be escalating. Please read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker for more on this sort of behavior and the steps you can take.

u/massivewang · 225 pointsr/bestof

A lot of the issues are psychological in nature. I wasn’t a “neck beard” but I was a “nice guy”. There are several issues with “nice guy” thinking/behavior:

  1. The incessant people pleasing or the inability to say no due to a fear and or lack of ability in handling conflict
  2. Lack of boundaries
  3. Covert contracts - the “if I’m nice to you, you’ll be nice to me” or “if I help you, then you’ll help me” thinking that goes on behind the scenes that is never fully verbalized
  4. Lack of understanding that one has needs, it’s ok to pursue said needs, and you are the only person who can fulfill those needs.
  5. Indirect pursuit of needs - If you need help, ask for help. You don’t help someone thinking they’ll help you in return when it was never promised. Etc.

    This book changed my life:

u/G_o_o_d_n_a_s_t_y · 216 pointsr/sex

The other commenters here have had a lot of great advice, especially about you seeking external validation and being a bit over-devoted and expecting the same. It sounds a lot like you and your wife are not on the same page regarding expectations and the only thing that can fix that is communication. However, with how built-up this is for you, that is going to be very difficult. I'd really recommend you find some therapy for yourself to help arm you with tools to solve this and similar problems now and in the future.

Before you stray from your marriage or end it, you need to do some homework. See if you can get your wife reading the same things. First, read Come As You Are for a more nuanced understanding of the differences in types of sexual response patterns. Then, read Mating in Captivity for long-term relationship sparky sparks.

u/CassandraCubed · 213 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.

Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.

Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.

You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.

Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.

Sending hugs (if you want them).

Edit: word

u/crashitgood · 191 pointsr/LifeProTips

If you have problems throwing something away you don't need anymore, read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I can't recommend this book enough.

u/tinfrog · 166 pointsr/Parenting

Gather as much evidence about this as possible. If the school tries to hang your daughter over the incident, you use this against them. Go after them for neglecting to take action or being complicit in putting your daughter in emotional turmoil that lead to the whole thing. If necessary, lawyer up and see what the lawyer says you can get away with.

Normally I don't like these kinds of tactics but think of it as a form of Aikido :-) They're trying to cover their asses so you need to CYA.

About Krav Maga and your daugher's reaction. I haven't practiced Krav Maga itself but have similar other martial arts. Her reaction is exactly what's needed to keep herself safe from violence. The only thing is that she's a teenager and hasn't yet learned some other aspects, like de-escalation and avoiding a confrontation. These are two very important skills for survival and complementary to the fighting skills.

I encourage you and your daughter to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin Becker.

u/EagerSleeper · 164 pointsr/socialskills

Since I don't know the extent of your Autism, I will write as if I'm speaking to a person that is just very inexperienced with dating.

It definitely is different from case to case.
Some people experience it like this though:

  • Meet a single person through any means (pool of friends, stranger at bar, etc.)
  • Get to know them through casual conversation, keeping eye contact longer than you would normally.
  • If they appear to pay attention to you (they don't leave the area, they ask questions about you in return, they maintain a decent amount of eye contact with you), then they might be interested.
  • In this case, it would be wise to mention an activity you going to be doing soon or at a later date, and that they should join. Preferably this will be somewhere where exploration and/or drinking can occur.
    If they agree; pull out your phone, open up a New Contact, put their name in, click the phone number field, then hand them the phone to type it in.
  • Be the person to politely end the conversation, preferably on a good note (like a callback to an earlier in-joke, a playful reference to the future event, or a cheerful goodbye stating you need to return to your friends)

  • Arrange transportation and greet them at the venue with a friendly physical contact (fist bump, funny handshake, hug, high-five) to get the friendly vibes going. Keep a positive energy throughout the "date" and err on the side of punctuating certain moments with physical contact ("Oh my god, I can't believe you said that!" slaps arm, "Hey, look over there." lightly elbows side, Put arm around them and poke their other shoulder to distract them "Did you know that guy or something?" grin)
  • The focus of the "date" is to get them comfortable with you, get comfortable with them, and learn about them while relating your own experiences. Its almost like hanging out with a good friend, but with more physical contact and teasing. Also, if you're a guy, assume you will be paying the tabs unless she physically stops you/puts her money down. I'm all for equality, but this is something that can only help you in an early dating situation. You can split bills later in the relationship.

    PROTIP: If there is a lull in the conversation, don't keep prodding them or start playing on your phone, instead have a casual conversation with someone around you (bartender, person in line near you, somebody sitting at bar). This shows you aren't a puppy dog relying on them for entertainment, are outgoing, and have confidence (an attractive trait universally).

  • If the date is going very well and the physical contact is being reciprocated or even escalated, mention something unique about your home (A VR game system, a French Press for coffee, a song you're producing, a freaking cat, whatever). Usually its best to drop this in earlier on in conversation. When the date is starting to get stale/it is getting late, suggest you go back to your home to check out that thing (You won't actually be checking out that thing).

  1. If they say no and have a plausible excuse (I have work early, I have to take my mom to the airport at x:xx, etc.), they will often follow up with "...but I would like to hang out again!" or "...but I'm doing x on saturday/whatever". If not, just hit them up for another date later, they might still be interested.
  2. If they say no and don't have a plausible excuse (I have to feed my fish, I have to wash clothes, I'm tired) and don't offer a follow up hang out, then they are probably not interested. If they wanted to continue hanging with you, they would invite you over or come to your place after doing their task. They certainly wouldn't be tired unless its way into the AM, and even still...
    its best to assume you aren't compatible and leave them alone. Definitely don't beg or pressure them.
  3. If they say yes, see below

  • As you walk into your (hopefully clean) apartment, immediately commence intimate physical contact. Preferably making out. Lead into bedroom. Boom boom boom.
    At the FIRST sign of hesitation, stop entirely. Don't get butthurt or beg, just respect their wishes. You can offer them a drink or to do the activity you mentioned, then try again later. If still no, they may either have some friction (religious background, awkwardness about intimacy, principles against first-date hookups) or something went wrong and they think you're a friend/is using you for something. Nothing I've written here is a hard rule, simply my experience. This may not be the case for everybody, especially if there is mental disorder involved.

  • From here, if you want a girlfriend/boyfriend, you just need to meet up more and more until you've both decided to become exclusive. Include them in more fun activities, slowly bring them around your friends, and reveal more personal details about yourself. Eventually either they will ask you to become exclusive, or it is so implied that you should ask them to be exclusive with you. Most people won't go on 5+ actual dates with somebody unless a relationship is a possibility.

  • A relationship is like a best friendship where you slowly reveal more and more about eachother, rely on eachother more and more, and begin including them in your personal life more and more. It is not an attached-at-the-hip situation, it is more of a separate but together situation. Separate as in you both have your own interests, friend groups, and time alone. Together as in big life decisions should be shared with them, you have an obligation to only sleep with them, and you will be in somewhat regular contact with them throughout the weeks. Often this will lead to them moving in with you, getting married to you, and/or reproducing with you. There's no rulebooks to relationships except having boundaries, not being clingy, and assuming trust in them unless otherwise convinced.

  • Relationships often end once one person's boundaries are crossed by their partner (cheating, moral conflicts, distance) in which case they have enough pride to end it.
    Sometimes it ends because it just isn't adding anything exciting to their life (compatibility comes down to being able to tolerate eachother for an extended period of time). Sometimes they will go on until death, often not.

    Also, a book I cannot suggest enough is Mark Manson - Models

    This book probably gave me more applicable advice about dating than any other source period. It is one of the most useful materials for self-improvement. Possibly the best dating advice to ever exist.
u/RazzKaiser32 · 160 pointsr/TalesFromTheCustomer

Yes, I remember that to, I think I read that in some book. It is both funny and a little bit scary how easily they can out put us into categories.

Edit: The book i read it in is called Charles Duhigg The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

u/SensitiveNerve · 158 pointsr/sex

My wife and I were once in a similar situation to you and your husband, and we were able to turn it around completely, and now enjoy a really happy and fulfilling sex life -- a journey I described in detail in this post.

>For me however I don't desire sex. Maybe once a week I get a slight desire and it often comes and goes. He needs to get me in the mood, sometimes it works, most of the time I shut him down. Not because I don't want too but because I'm worried if I'm not in the mood it'll just feel uncomfortable. Even just light play.

This sounds frustrating, and I could totally see how you might worry that your libidos are "miss-matched" -- but that may not be the case. If you're like my wife, you might be feeling super stressed out about this, or even like you are somehow "broken." If so, that seems really painful and isolating.

I would offer, with a ton of respect, that I find the terms "low libido" and "high libido" to actually be pretty unhelpful and inaccurate ways to describe human sexuality. As you start to learn more about how our brains and sex drives work, you'll realize that these two terms are too simplistic, and I personally feel like they lead to a lot of hurt feelings and frustration.

The thing that changed her life (and by extension mine) is reading the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. [Check out this comic about it, it's a good intro.] Reading that thing, we realized that most women have what's called a 'dual control model' of sexual arousal, which is like gas and brake. For me and most guys, we can basically just step on the accelerator at a moments notice and get to the right RPM easily. For my wife and a lot of women, there can be a foot on the gas AND a foot on the brake, in the form of anything stressing them out (the house is a mess, my mom keeps texting me, the kid broke the thing, my husband hates our sex life and is going to leave me, etc.)

We also learned another life-changing idea -- responsive desire, which means that my wife's arousal is like a water heater. (Sorry to switch metaphors) Three minutes of gas, and the water is still fucking freezing. Is this the end of the world? Hardly. She is slow to heat up, but once she gets going (and her foot is off the brake) she can get to a scalding boil. But my strategy of, "I'll give it five minutes, then declare it broken and play games," was dooming me to a life of never getting laid ever again -- and never feeling intimacy again.

Also, for what it's worth, I'll push back against the advice to spend too much time on /r/DeadBedrooms. That subreddit is more like a support group and safe place to vent, particularly for "higher-libido" partners who feel unsatisfied. That's awesome that it exists, but it's also a bit of an echo chamber, and I worry it can foster more resentment than it cures. Just my experience.

If what I've written here is helpful, and you want to ask any follow up questions or would like more detail on any point, I'm happy to help how I can.

u/girlrandal · 149 pointsr/sex

If you haven't read Come As You Are , I highly recommend it. It's not a Nirvana biography, it's a book about women's sexuality. Orgasms are talked about in depth. My IUD and antidepressants make it difficult for me to orgasm like I used to. This book really helped me understand what was going on and recognize tat I was having orgasms, just they are different than the screaming, shuddering ones in porn flicks. I'm much more ok with not having those every time and knowing what I want from sex. Like you said, there are times when I don't come and the sex is fucking incredible. Sometimes I want to remember every detail, and if I'm focused on coming, I can't do that.

u/liebereddit · 146 pointsr/answers


Eyes wide to see better. Mouth open to breath better in case of emergency physical action.

Touching the mouth is what's referred to an "adapter" or "pacifying behavior", an action that serves to calm us down after a negative or traumatizing experience.

The mouth and neck are two of the most touched areas during these types of behavior.

Source? This awesome book written by an FBI interviewer who watches for these behaviors during questioning to see what line of questioning is making the subject uncomfortable.

u/her_nibs · 130 pointsr/relationships


It was cool for you to have hook-ups with her and boff her in the toilets, but since she did that stuff with other people too, it's...

You're right about the "it's my issue" part. Except... The "I'm a slut" bit sounds like (as you note a couple of times) low self-esteem, crossed with internalised cultural crap. A boyfriend who has also internalised shaming stuff about sex will not be helpful to her. It would probably help both of you to use this as an opportunity to grow a bit here. Promiscuity isn't for everybody, but with consenting adults, is there any reason it's a problem...? Probably not, except for the shaming. Which makes no sense, and which is more of a problem than anything that comes out of thoughtful promiscuity. I haven't read it but The Ethical Slut is very well-reviewed...

>I find solace in the fact she has never dated before

That's not really a loving/caring/mature slant on it. It would be one thing if she had not wanted to date; as is it almost sounds like her self-esteem is so far down she didn't see herself as somebody who could be another person's partner. That's a thing to grieve, really.

Dunno. If you don't want to love and care for the entirety of this person, it's probably not a good idea to half-ass it. But plenty of this relationship sounds promising; I'd work on it.

u/TomorrowsJoe · 116 pointsr/AskMen

well shit man, you're gonna make me cry. I've had a relationship very similar to this and I have to say there is nothing really like it. However as special as you might think this person is; just remember that part of that emotion can also be nostalgia. When it comes to our needs and wants as human beings in relationships. We tend to overlook the negatives for the positives because (depending on how much abuse we are willing to deal with) sometimes those precious moments of mundane life can be just as powerful if not more powerful than the heartbreak dealt in it's absence.

To be honest; ever since I was a kid I has a romanticized view of women. That through trial and error I would meet "the one". Someone who brings the concept of "kindred spirits" to the next level. They get your sense of humour, they don't disappear or mock when you do stupid shit; they understand your aspirations and dreams; but more importantly they deeply understand inner workings of your pathos while bringing their own interesting perspective and pathos along with them. To make a sort of intermingling of emotions; like oil and water shaken up in a bottle intermingling but never a carbon copy of each other; only complimenting each other.

The sad reality however is that this shit doesn't really exist..
Don't get me wrong; you can find close to this if you are lucky which is what you probably found with the girl you are describing. However the older I get the more I realize that the concept of "oneitis" only hurts you in the long run. What turns from a 2 year relationship; might turn into 2 later years of mourning of that prior relationship due to the concept of how "special" or "unique" this girl is. I know this feeling deeply as i've dealt with it a couple of times. The truth is that these girls aren't actually that "unique" or "special".
Of course everyone is unique in their own way and there are no perfect copies of anyone. However when you start to date a large amount of women the "unique" traits; become less "unique" and more similar. People aren't as special as they make themselves out to be. We have similar molds and the girl you thought that was like no other; probably has millions of very similar copies. I know this is making me out to be like a dick; but i wouldn't write this novel if I wasn't trying to pass on some painful knowledge that I received from previous relationships if I didn't relate to your struggle.

This last piece of advice is even going to sound more asshole-ish/nihilistic, but the way I was back in my other relationships (and correct me if i'm wrong about yours because i hate to project incorrect psychological analysis). I would generally put the girl on a pedestal and value what made her happy more than what made me happy. This is what ended all of my relationships in horrible ways. From cheating to 1 week breakups to flat out insulting rejections; a large portion of putting these girls on pedestals was valuing them more than myself. This comes from a position of broken self-esteem. The moment I started having less attatchment to the females in my life and started living for myself. The more girls i started dating and guess what; if you want to ever meet a girl that's similar to the experience you had with your SO. Then you are going to have to play the numbers game and I mean quickly. When i say this I don't mean sleep with as many women as possible, but meet and become on friendly terms with as many people as you possibly can and then select the ones that you connect with the most. This will not only make your dating life way better; but it will change the way you view relationships. You wont be so desperate to latch onto a girl, because you wont see the girl as angelic saint diety goddess. However as a person with their own attributes, idiosyncrasies and flaws. This is one of the most singular things that has improved my life; and since you seem to have shared a similar relationship past with mine I just thought I would share it with you.

Whether you take my advice or not, man
I wish you peace, brother.

Also if you want to dive deeper into why women are more attracted when you are less attatched/emotionally responsive read this:

It's PUA without being a complete narcissistic superficial dick.


u/so_there_i_was · 111 pointsr/todayilearned

On Killing goes into quite a bit of detail on this.

u/pearlhart · 108 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

But stranger danger is scare tactic and not really all that effective or accurate so it's not really taught anymore.

Most people will have to talk to strangers, and not all of them are the real enemy and it doesn't teach between the two. The move it towards teaching them which are a good choice and even towards trusting your gut and tricky people.

That said, I agree it's important to aware of people at any age. And that this has red flags, and it was important to pay attention to those as the OP did.

To that end, I think Gavin de Becker's work on fear should be more widely read, including The Gift of Fear.

u/Squirrelmunk · 103 pointsr/bigdickproblems

Communicate clearly. Body language is confusing: Use your words. Before you begin, discuss and lay out each of your boundaries. When you want to try something new, ask.

If you fear asking a bunch of questions makes you less masculine or dominant, phrase your questions as statements. For example, instead of saying, "Can I kiss your neck?" you can say, "I'd really like to kiss your neck." Then wait. Don't kiss her neck yet. If she responds positively and enthusiastically, kiss her neck. If she responds negatively, don't kiss her neck. And the most important part: If her response is ambiguous, hesitant, or unenthusiastic, do not kiss her neck.

Learn how to eat pussy. The first time I ate a girl out, I studied this guide and made her cum with ease. It's far from exhaustive and there are lots of other things to learn, but I think it's a solid first-time guide. For more in-depth instruction, read Ian Kerner's She Comes First.

You need to know when your girl is ready for penetration: Measure the circumference of your dick. Then measure your fingers to figure out how many roughly equal the circumference of your dick. Until she can easily take this many fingers, Do. Not. Fuck. Her.

This will spare her the pain of getting your dick stuffed into her when she's not sufficiently dilated or wet. And a girl who associates your dick with pain is not a girl who will be keen to have sex with you again.

If you're too big for regular condoms, get custom-sized condoms. Check out MyOne/TheyFit and MySize.

As for unhooking a bra, you basically squeeze the two sides of the strap together to get the hooks out of the eyelets. Here's a more detailed guide. But don't surprise her with this. Ask first.

u/jwalgren · 100 pointsr/truegaming

In the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, the author Susan Cain shares and summarizes scientific studies that indeed prove you are born an introvert or extrovert.

A key difference between introversion and extroversion is that introverts recharge by spending time alone while extroverts recharge by socializing. While an unbalanced life or addiction to something can definitely be fuel for introversion, it doesn't cause it. I think the stress of daily life is what pushes many introverts to gaming or electronics in general since it's a way to recharge after your brain has been overstimulated for most of the day.

u/ostrichsg · 99 pointsr/sex

Sexual assault when she was younger is unlikely to STILL be making her vagina and clitoris physically sore, but unresolved psychological trauma can definitely inhibit arousal, and physical stimulation of such sensitive parts without psychological arousal can easily be too much sensation and feel unpleasant.

I think she needs to talk to a counselor or therapist to make sure she's spent some time dealing with leftover problems from her abuse.

When that's been addressed, I suggest you both read Come As You Are ( ), which introduces a great "accelerator and brake" metaphor for arousal that makes it much easier to communicate with your lover.

Be patient and good luck!

u/Thefeelingofflying · 97 pointsr/thebachelor

I have an anxious attachment style too, and initially I thought it was a bad thing. What I like about this theory is how non-judgmental it all is. Your needs are your needs. I NEED more security and validation from partners, so I NEED to look for someone who is capable of giving me that. Secures can do that, while avoidants cannot.

If this interests you at all, I HIGHLY recommend the book “Attached”

u/nwalker85 · 96 pointsr/financialindependence

Can I recommend a book, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck". It's an entertaining introduction to some of the concepts that helped me with these issues.

u/Pantone877 · 83 pointsr/AskWomen

Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. It's the owners manual for female bodies and sexuality.

Covers everything from practical sex info, building healthy relationships, recovering after unhealthy ones, communication, wellness, confidence, self esteem, safety, trauma, and emotional healing. For straight/bi/gay women (and she's working on expanding for transwomen).

u/onewordpoet · 79 pointsr/Art

I personally think the opposite. Photo realism is not "advanced". Painting impressionistically is not beginner either. What you need for impressionist painting comes off the back of photorealism. Copying a photo does not make you advanced. Infusing a photo with emotion and meaning makes you advanced. This painting is just that. And I love it. I am honestly tired seeing a photorealistic drawing and then clicking the comments just to see "Wow! I thought it was a photo" over and over again. Not to knock it, but this sort of work takes a different kind of skill. You need a handle (hah) on your brushwork and how you react to what you see. Difficult as fuck. Im still learning how to do this myself.

Learning "how to see" is definitely the cornerstone in becoming a better artist, though. That I agree with. Don't equate impressionism with not being able to do this. In my opinion they do it the best. I recommend anyone learning to pick up "drawing on the right side of the brain". Thats what personally helped me with getting things right. I used to draw photorealistic but I felt that it was an empty sort of exercise. Where do you go from there? Here. You go here. You express yourself.

Love the painting

u/ManForReal · 79 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

>He told me that he was tired of being walked all over by his family, friends, coworkers, etc and he wanted to get better at drawing a line in the sand.

Given his saying this, here's two resources he might find useful:


When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.


>Since I’m pretty sure I know where the initial stomping out of any healthy notions of boundaries came from, I think it could be a big step for SO to take with her but I want SO to be the one who makes the decision for what he wants to do.


/u/madpiratebippy recommends these three books (comments are hers):


Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.

This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.


Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Buck

is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.


Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon.

Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

I hope you & he find some or all of these helpful.

Milentless is likely to act out (shriek, scream, blame, gaslight, attempt to guilt and on & on) at the impostion of boundaries. Damaged personalities (like her) are largely incapable of acting like adults. She may be able to respond appropriately to reward & punishment (as a normal three-year-old might). Or not.

Since what she wants is more, More, MORE interaction & time, telling her very matter-of-factly that she's driven herself into timeout with her demands is worth trying (just expect her to throw herself on the floor & kick & scream, either metaphorically or actually).

SO needs to do this (his mother, not yours & she'll use any opportunity to blame you). He should be prepared for acting out & be as unmoved as an adult would be at a spoiled neighborhood three-year-old's screaming meltdown when told they have to stay out of your house, don't get to steal suckers & can't harass your pets.

MiLentless can like it or not. The more she screams the longer the timeout & it should increase geometrically: A week, two weeks, four weeks, eight weeks & so on. This progression conveys that you mean it & if she doesn't control herself she may bar herself from your lives until the youngest of your yet-to-be children completes graduate school (iow, forever).

If she learns to behave (snarky, passive aggressive behavior is disallowed & gets sanctioned just like the rest of her shit: immediately back in timeout or extending the existing one 2X) she may be able to spend some time around you.

She can be decent (YOUR definition) or she's done being in your lives. Completely up to her.

u/sten0 · 77 pointsr/SocialEngineering

This series which is the basis for an upcoming talk of mine at BSides Philly in December.

Fallacies and biases.

How to Win Friends/Influence people (TL:DR)

Blair's One sentence persuasion.

48 Laws of Power

Cialdini's Influence (haven't read new pre-suasion yet)

How to google effectively using search operators (adv - "dorking)".



Should get you going.

u/cranky12 · 76 pointsr/Art

I am by no means an expert artist so take this with a grain of salt but i can give you my advice:

it sounds obvious (and to be honest, pretty disappointing) but you just need to draw as much as possible, set aside an hour a day to just draw.

A good place is to start is to draw still-lifes with basic shapes at varying distances: something like this. this will let you start to develop an eye for lighting and how shapes and shadows interact. Search up how to properly shade if you're unsure.

while you're drawing these, start studying 1 and 2 point perspective: this slide makes it simple to understand and is pretty comprehensive. perspective is an essential tool which you'll need to understand.

keep drawing these basic shapes everyday, then start upgrading into more abstract shapes, things like wine glasses other shapes.
Maybe you can read Drawing on the right side of the brain?
It's probably one of the most highly regarded guide to drawing which really helped me to understand certain processes and logic behind drawing.

SIDE NOTE: Drawing from your brain memory/imagination is an incredibly difficult thing to do and not every artist is great at it. Use references and stills from life or books or the internet to develop your skill.

One of the greatest difficulties you will face is drawing what is there rather than what you think you see.

PM me if you ever need help with something.

u/NolFito · 75 pointsr/AskReddit

How to win friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie- About how to interact with people. Gave me a lot of insight into social dynamics and self-confidence in general.

What every body is saying - Joe Navarro, it's about body language. You would be surprised how much more information you can from people and optimize social dynamics integrating both of these books.

Atlas Shrugged - Ayn rand, gave me a whole new perspective on the value and meaning of work, liberty and freedom.

u/TheRealMontoo · 71 pointsr/dating_advice

I think you know the answer, but don't allow yourself to act on it. You're afraid of committing to something you don't have control over. You're afraid of negative emotions, because you don't know how to deal with them. Your plan right now is to adjust your life to avoid negative events and emotions, instead of learning how to deal with them.

Thing is, whether it's in love or something else, like losing someone to sickness or death, or losing your job, you won't be able to escape having to deal with heartbreaks.

The only way to deal with heartbreak is by experiencing it. By knowing life will go on and achievable, even if the mountain in front of you seems insurmountable.

You could see a therapist like somebody else suggested. Some self-improvement books might help you. I suggest reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.

Some advice I can give myself is to start putting things in perspective. How does something affect you in the long run? How does it affect you in a week, a year or a decade? Look at the bigger picture and things become relative. Get yourself to think everything is a moment to learn from, to shape you to be a better person.

Also, if your happiness depends on needing someone else, something is wrong. You should be happy in life regardless of being with someone. I know that's hard to achieve, but it's definitely not impossible if you keep working on it.

u/madplayshd · 70 pointsr/technology

Its easy to say its obviously bullshit after the fact. But looking at the page, it is actually non-obvious for people outside the medical professions to know its bullshit.

Measurement of all these values might actually be possible with a device this size. That caloric intake can not be infered from all of this is not necessarily obvious. After all you can for example measure O2 concentration in the blood non-invasively only by shining light onto the skin. Its not that far of a stretch for not medically-trained persons to believe caloric measurement could also be possible.

Whenever something is shown to be bullshit, people are always fast to say that everyone who fell for it is/was an idiot. These people either forget or dont know yet how easy it is to be manipulated, and how often it happens to every single one of us every day. Thinking you are somehow immune to beeing fooled actually makes it easier for people to fool you, because you are not on guard.

u/Tangurena · 70 pointsr/sex

One book that can help you do a better job is She Comes First. This book is aimed at teaching cunnilingus. It also explains a bit about her arousal and things to pay attention to that show she's getting aroused.

Because you're both new at it, it will take some time for each of you. Part of it is that she needs to understand what gets her off and how to let you know. Part of it is that you need to understand what cadence and speed is arousing for her. So clear communication is essential.

u/becomingitgirl · 70 pointsr/relationship_advice

Please please read: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence . A relationship is "good" until it's not. Just like how you can feel healthy until you go to the doctor and they tell you're sick. Use your best judgement. Be safe.


Reread your post. Can you see that he's trying to get his way regardless of your feelings? First he tried the "nice" way. I bet he also tried asking you for a baby. Then he tried telling you he wants a baby. Then he tried a guilt trip. Then he tried to dominate you. Then he HURT you and didn't let up until you agreed under force. OP, do not lie again. Do not say okay if you don't want a baby. You do not want to teach him (without meaning to) that he can get his way if he hurts you.


Here's an amazon link for the book: Maybe someone else knows where to get a free PDF?

u/sarjalim · 68 pointsr/changemyview

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, by Mark Manson

As a woman and feminist who read that book for funsies, I think it offers a lot of solid advice for men on how to gain confidence and a good mentality, and actual instructions for social interaction with women WITHOUT the ordinary PUA tricks and tropes. Can't be bothered to look up exact quotes right now, but his message is basically that "if you want to get laid, PUA tricks and games could potentially work on some women who are very insecure. If you want to maximize your happiness however, drop that shit and start making yourself and the women you meet truly happy -- which incidentally will also get you laid, and so much happier in the long run."

u/GoAskAlice · 67 pointsr/fatpeoplestories

Quitting is super hard, OP.

This might work for you.

I haven't read it, but I keep hearing from others about how well it works.

For me, I've been doing the hourly thing. I can have one cig every two hours. I'm about to move to three.

It is hell. Not going to lie, it is hell. Getting from two packs to one per day, that was hell. I still can't give it up. Yet.

Non-smokers don't get it.

I'll get there eventually. So will you. I don't want to; I love smoking, okay. But it has to go. We will die. You've got a kid now. Think about your child. You have responsibilities now. Do you want that child to grow up taking care of mommy?

u/aDildoAteMyBaby · 66 pointsr/LifeProTips

Same. I just ran through this summary and I'm really not impressed. This in particular sounds like a tall stack of anecdotal horse shit:

> After many experiments on himself and others, he emphasises that the key factor in waking up with energy is that you tell yourself before you go to bed, that you would be getting enough sleep that night and would wake up in the morning feeling energised and ready to go. Regardless of whether its 4 hours or 9 hours, if you acknowledge and accept that you’ll be getting a good amount of sleep, then you’ll feel great in the morning.

I think I'll stick with The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson, thanks.

u/shallnotreply · 65 pointsr/pics

Except for the one guy that doesn't fear death and correctly sights his shots. That guy turns the battle.

It's actually been a big part of military training since WWII to get soldiers to overcome their natural resistance to killing. Figures from modern conflicts show a much more dangerous soldier than in Germany, Korea, or Vietnam. This is worth a read if the subject matters interests you. I read it as a new release and remarked on reddit at the time that it had major implications for America's Police services as it was an popular career choice after the military (and is armed), but I got downvoted to oblivion.

u/ShaktiAmarantha · 64 pointsr/sexover30

> This is my favorite form of foreplay these days, I think. I enjoy the way he uses his fingers, and he got me off this way recently.

Mine too! My SO is a genius at what we call "yoni worship" and tantric massage, and it's SOOO nice! 🔥💥⚡️🌋 🥰

There are many different ways to go about fingering and women differ a lot in what they like and need, so couples often need to do a lot of experimentation to figure out what works best. (I think that's one reason most men aren't very good at giving female handies.)

We do a lot of edging, which is extending the arousal phase while delaying the orgasm. It increases the amount of sensual pleasure and also makes the orgasms last longer and feel stronger. In our case, we have found that about an 80:20 mix of fingers and oral is about optimal for both of us, although we vary it quite a bit. We've found that mixing up different approaches helps the edging process last longer and it also keeps us from falling into a rut.

In addition to using oral and a variety of fingering techniques, we also mix in occasional uses of a vibrator on my clit to get me up to (or back up to) a high plateau level before he switches back to fingers or oral. Not everyone likes it, but it's definitely worth a try as you both learn more about managing your arousal pattern!

> I don't hear much talk of this online though.

Actually, there are whole communities devoted to tantric sex and erotic massage, where those of us who love giving and receiving this kind of sex tend to congregate. Try r/tantricsex for starters. The sidebar has links to some good online resources for a beginner.

This is my review of a website that provides tutorials on dozens of different techniques for using fingers. It's a paysite, but definitely worth it:

u/TheBobopedic · 63 pointsr/MensLib

Hey! Congrats on taking action for yourself! Even making a post is doing that!

Try using [this] ( tool to browse for therapists near you. put in your zip code, a mile distance, and other issues to start.

While i'm more on the anxiety disorder side of things and less the mood disorder side like yourself, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is generally useful for many basic issues if you use it correctly, just try to stay away from Psychoanalysis if you can.

A book I would definitely reccomend is [Feeling Good] ( by David Burns. It does sound self helpy and gimmicky, but it's not. It introduces you to the basics of CBT, cognitive distortions and evidence collecting excercises that you can do on your own or with help from a therapist.

Just know that MANY more people than you think deal with mental health issues. It's something like [1 in 5 in the U.S] ( It's my dream that within my lifetime we can see mental health hygiene policies be implemented by institutions and organizations throughout the country with the same depth and totality that toilets and handwashing were in the early 20th century.

Good luck! You aren't alone!

u/mrrp · 62 pointsr/TalesFromRetail

>I asked him to leave me alone, he didn’t. So I made up some bs story that I left something behind and ran back into work.

You did well.

The Gift of Fear

u/[deleted] · 61 pointsr/antisrs

>Why do people keep separating logic and emotion?

They are two different things.

Emotions are simply you consciously noticing your body's physiological reaction to externally or internally generated stimulus, with the external being the world outside one's body, and internal consisting of thoughts or other intentional, and not necessarily conscious content. There is nothing else to it, emotions aren't a thing you have, they're a process you can consciously notice, and there's a huge difference with that consideration, in the logical/philosophical sense.

Neurophysiology ahead, skip to the TL;DR if you want =D.

Emotional response comes from sensory or internally generated information (other thoughts/feelings in this case) reaching the brain's emotional processing center, the Amygdala. From there, the Amygdala activates a number of other areas of the brain responsible for heart rate, adrenaline, digestion, dopamine, and others (vastly oversimplified for the purpose of this discussion). In the case of a fear response, you feel your heart rate rise, your feel your digestive system "seize" (pit of stomach), and your mouth go dry, as your sympathetic nervous system routes your body's resources to handle the threat. That, along with all the internally generated mental "what-ifs" (which might actually further raise the fear response), is being afraid.

If you've read this far, and can excuse the terse-talk, the main issue is that these emotional responses to stimuli come before we can consciously control them, because this stimuli is processed in emotional center before the thinking, "logical" parts of our brain, some parts of the "Association areas". We feel viscerally before we "know" what it is we're feeling, in the "meta" sense (the way we frame and explain our feelings to ourselves after the fact). This is actually a huge evolutionary advantage--this older "limbic" part of our brain is responsible for the fight-or-flight response, and in humans, or other higher animals (those with large cerebral cortices), is a "short-circuit" against the "higher areas" of the brain, to facilitate a faster reaction. When an animal sees something that resembles a predator, the worst thing it could do is think additionally about the dangerous stimulus. The safest bet is to get the hell out of there, or if it isn't possible, to fight.

The "logical" part, how we ought to interpret our reaction, necessarily comes after we notice our body's physiological (emotional) response to the situation, and from that, we can decide to inhibit it (in most non-pressing cases). For us humans, seeing a realistic fake tiger for instance, might raise our hackles for a second, but after the initial response (and no movement from the fake), we can logically inhibit the physiological response, in effect, "talking ourselves down". We can calm ourselves, after we've reasoned that the tiger isn't real, because we have the capacity to consider the emotion itself (unlike most animals), and whether or not it's appropriate.

TL;DR; Emotions are a short-circuited physical response to an internal/external stimulus you consciously "notice", and the "logic", (framing the emotion and acting on it) comes from mentally processing what you've noticed only afterwards. This is necessarily the case, by the brain's design.

Now, the part where this applies to SRS:

The problem is that in their philosophy, many of them believe that their emotional response is objectively valid to the situations discussed, that their emotions are objects in a sense (and not a process), that are as real to the world as anything else, and not just their brain's short-circuit, fastest approximation of the way they should possibly react to the discussion.

Ironically, the way some in SRS treat emotion as "objects", things they're sure they have, runs very contrary to their post-modern deconstructionist views of reality, where everything ought to be uncertain. They ignore the fallibility of their own emotional existence, often times with something like "I am definitely right, you are wrong because (appeal to emotion), and therefore a shitlord".

When one discusses a topic with SRS where there are shades of gray, many of them will cease trying, if at all, to look at the problem objectively. For many of them, at best, the topic hits close to home (abuse, rape, etc.), and at worst, for some of them, it's something that appeals negatively to them on a visceral level, because they're the antagonistic type, and SRS attracts these people specifically by design.

Once they've allowed the short-circuit, the fastest approximation, to dictate their responses and behavior (because these responses could be logically inhibited), there is nothing left to discuss.


I should note, that this doesn't mean that emotion is just an superfluous mental appendage for the modern world, nor that the effects are subjectively unreal. They're real as hell to us from our own perspective, and savoring them, feeling what positive emotions do for us, and acting on them, is probably the pinnacle of the human experience.

Allowing them to negatively affect us, or shut us down from reality is where the problems start.


For anyone interested in the immediately useful to you, practical, observable effects of our brains being constructed this way, with the emotional response being a short-circuit which can be inhibited to some degree, read this book..

What Every BODY is Saying

It's written by an ex-FBI agent who dealt with suspect interviews, to teach people how to read body-language during situations where inhibition is difficult (stress/joy). It counts on the observed phenomenon that even when we have the ability to inhibit our short-circuit emotional response, there are still "tells" we can't hide, manifesting in observable body language. We can pretend to be outwardly happy on a sad day (inhibiting our emotions to a degree), but our body language (a product of the limbic system mentioned earlier) will reveal pretty much everything with sunken shoulders, shuffling feet, etc.

Also, Poker players intuitively rely on this fact every time they play, with subconscious tells like pupil dialation, bouncing "happy" feet and what not.

u/Makorbit · 58 pointsr/socialskills

I understand the 'put my foot down' mentality you're going for, but from what you've written it comes off as coming from a place of insecurity. Yes you have to establish boundaries for what you consider to be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, but more importantly you have to recognize when you're doing things reactionarily to others or if you're truly acting out of self respect. The author Ayn Rand discusses this concept in Fountainhead,

>"Others dictated his convictions, which he did not hold, but he was satisfied that others believed he held them. Others were his motive power and his prime concern. He didn’t want to be great, but to be thought great. He didn’t want to build, but to be admired as a builder." Fountainhead Chapter IX, Part 4, pp. 605

Are you doing things to show others you have self-respect and boundaries, boundaries which are defined by reactions of others, or do you have self-defined boundaries developed out of self-respect.

I hope you'll take this as constructive criticism rather than an attack on your person.

Ok let's be real for a second. You were fairly invested in her and she didn't reciprocate. She sent some signals of disinterest that you picked up on 'acting distant and not making an effort to message me', then she sent a soft rejection, 'I'm busy' (I'm guessing she didn't propose another time by saying something like 'I'm busy but I can do this Saturday').

Because you were still invested in her, you pushed through the indicators and tried to get her to return investment in you by [demonstrating value] initiating conversation, cracking jokes and being nice. She didn't respond for a few weeks and then you 'put your foot down' and unfriended her. That's not establishing boundaries, that's acting reactionarily out of a place of insecurity.

Let's talk about what you could've done differently, and the underlying mindset behind what you did in comparison.

  • I don't know how the date actually went, clearly there was a different perception of how the date went. Let's skip that since there's no way of figuring it out.
  • She said she was busy and didn't make an effort to reschedule. This is often the biggest hint you will get, you can't blame girls for doing this rather than being upfront because A) EDIT: Most guys take rejection poorly, and some guys are actually psycho B) You expect them to be confrontational exclusively your benefit. By continuing to message her, and demonstrating value, all you're doing is sending the message 'I'm socially tone deaf. I'm needy and invested in you so I'm trying to show I have value so you return investment'. Instead you could've said "Hey I had a great time with you, you know how to reach me if you wanna meet up again.' then just walked away. That comes from a place of 'This genuine, I have the social grace to recognize your disinterest and respect it, I value myself and haven't invested too much into you but I think you're interesting so let me know if you change your mind, otherwise I'm doing my own thing".
  • When she becomes unresponsive after a 'I'm busy', it's 100% clear she's not interested, You 'put your foot down' and unfriended her... what you really did was try to show her that you have boundaries and 'punish' her by unfriending her in a, quite honestly, petty juvenile way. If we're brutally honest, she probably didn't have you on her mind during those few weeks, and you unfriending her is you making yourself feel better about the whole situation in a vindictive manner that she probably didn't notice. You already wasted your time by brushing past her disinterest signals, that's on you.
  • In a comment below you said 'There’s a girl there who is cute and she asked to hang out with me and I said I was busy even though I wasn’t 😅'. Seriously dude? That's a little cringy. You're playing games and being disingenuous to demonstrate value. It's a move that comes out of insecurity, 'I'll pretend I'm busier than I actually am."

    Here are a few books which I think may be helpful for you to read.

    Subtle art of not giving a fuck

    Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
u/stayyygold · 58 pointsr/politics

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing book and I highly recommend it to everyone, but especially women.

u/TheRealCalculon · 54 pointsr/AskReddit

Woah dude. First you need to step back and do some reassessment of things in your life. It's possible you have some sort of clinical depression and if so, go to the doctor and work on it. Whether it's just talking through things or some medicine-- there's no shame in getting better, or having been sad, in the past, because we're leaving this behind us.

First we have to assess what your perceived problems are. Nothing wrong with having problems, only in not solving those problems. Fat-- there's a diet for that. Weak-- there's a workout for that. Ugly-- well you can't change your facial symmetry much but you can work on your style and haircut, your grooming. Poor-- there's capitalism for that. Family life not great-- well, you can't change who they are but you can change how you interact with them, you can take note of issues and learn how to make things better for your family one day.

Now, onto this female quagmire we seem to be sinking in. I've been exactly where you are, it lasted for about the time from maybe 8th grade to about when I was in 10th or 11th over one girl. Guess what-- it wasn't worth feeling like shit all the time. She wasn't worth my feeling like shit. No one is. She's a fine person but I mean, she's married to some creepy band director with a soul patch who's 12 years older than her while I'm clearly awesome now.

You seem to be going about this backwards. First, love really needs to be a mutual understanding between two parties for it to be love. If you think it feels bad(again, I'm speaking from experience) wait till you have that mutual understanding and the other party severs ties. It sucks, it hurts, I was in severely depressed for about a year(different girl from one in school) and beat myself up all the time, lost weight, gained weight, looked and felt bad. She wasn't worth it, again, she's a fine person but now she's... wait-- I don't even know what she's doing now because she's not worth my time and I don't give a fuck anymore. It's called perspective and it comes with age and experience and stepping back from the situation and evaluating things from outside of your emotions. You can do it, all you have to do is try.

See, the thing about women is, and this may not be the best way to phrase it, but it's about respect with them. They want a man(I'm assuming you're a guy) who they respect and who others, friends and general public also respect. To get said respect you must first respect yourself. Not in a narcissistic sense, but a healthy self-esteem.

So take a step back and assess yourself and life. There's going to be some weak spots or things you're not happy with-- everyone has those-- but you're going to target the ones you can do something about and you're going to improve them.

There's going to be some really good qualities and aspects about your person as well. You're probably pretty intelligent-- congratulations. You have a skill or quality that a lot of other people don't-- congratulations. Relish in these things, they're what make you you. These are why you're not going to be depressed anymore. Sharpen and hone them into the weapons you use everyday to make life and the world your bitch. You are now a one man army out to conquer the world and the things in it you want to achieve.

So just forget about this girl for a little while and just focus on yourself, no one else will focus on you until you do. I know it seems weird but it's true. You think Obama or Teddy Roosevelt got elected feeling bad about themselves? Think Clooney goes home everyday and says "I'm attractive enough but Batman & Robin was terrible?" No, look at his list of romantic endeavors. That comes from sure, his looks, but because he believed in himself head out to Hollywood and casting rooms and work his way to the top. He had a goal and he worked towards it, he made it his bitch. He had confidence and believed in himself, then other believed in him and his abilities.

So, for the next month, and this won't be easy, forget about this girl. Stop wasting time on her. That's what every moment you spend thinking about her, but not acting on it is, wasted time. First of all, she may be breathtaking-- but guess what-- there's idk, a million other women on earth who are on par with her. They're out there whether you know it or not. So, she's probably a nice person-- but she's not the only one out there.

While you're not thinking about her this next month you're going to focus on yourself. You're going to asses your strengths and witnesses, what you genuinely like about yourself and what you would like to improve upon. Then you're going to physically write down a plan of action on how to sharpen all of these strengths and witnesses. Nothings going to just fall in your lap. It takes a concerted effort.

If you still want to think about it from the aspect of a breathtaking girl-- make a plan to become the man she deserves, the man who takes her breath away. A breath taking girl needs a strong, secure man right? You don't want people saying "Wow, how did he score her?" you want them looking and saying "That makes sense."

But don't focus one any one girl, just focus on the idea of the girl you want to be with. A companion worthy of your love and commitment. That's who you're doing this for, this yet unknown beauty-- but most of all you're doing this for yourself. You are all you really have in life right?

Try and think about it from a female perspective. What do you think is more attractive. A nice, sweet guy, who says "Look, I'm a nice person, and, I don't really deserve you, you're way out of my league, you're so pretty and I'm really not, but, I promise I'll love you and treat you right, if you just choose me." I've been this guy before. Or, do you think a girl would more likely choose a guy who said "I can have get any girl I want, just by the virtue of being a guy who works for what he wants, and out of all of these women I could date-- I'm choosing you"

What's funny is, and I know from personal experience this really happens. As soon as you start focusing on the things you want out of life. The person you are and want to become. You start doing the things to get you there and you stop worrying about getting one particular girl. Women will take notice of you. If you always pass this girl during the day at school or work and you kind of almost cower in her presence, blush, have a look on your face like "I'm not worthy" it's easy and no fun for her. Sure, it's flattering, but there's no thrill or chase in it for the girl. Instead walk by with your head high. Maybe you don't even notice her really because you're busy and got shit to do. This is much more interesting to a beautiful girl than someone just fawning over her. "Hmmm. He seems really driven. I wonder what he's working on. Did he notice me? I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty. This guy is definitely interesting, he just seemed like he knew his place in the world and where he's going. It might be fun to talk to him and see why he's so seems so sure"

The second one is what we're going for. It's a game man, just have fun. Make it fun for the girls. Don't give them everything right out of the box. Add some spark, some mystery. Keep her guessing if you like her, if you think she's pretty, be spontaneous "What is this crazy guy going to say next that makes he snort when I laugh"

A lot of people probably read your comment and rolled their eyes. Some because they can't relate, some because like me, they cringed because they knew the exact pain and inner turmoil you feel every day when this happens.

I wrote this whole thing, which I hope is cogent(I've been up for 23 hours) not because you deserve it. Not because I owe it to you because you're a nice guy. If you think like that you'll just keep getting ignored and run over. I wrote this because I was you. Life is just what you make it. You can focus on the shitty stuff or you can focus on achieving the things you want in life and becoming the kind of guy you respect in the world-- and have fun while doing it.

Read this.

Check out this book. It opened my eyes up to a lot of stuff and I've been passing it around to my friends as well. If you want you can PM me you're address and I'll mail you a copy, just because I'm an amazing person like that.

There's a lot of subreddit's which may help you out. There's /r/Fitness if you want to get in shape. There's subreddits for educating yourself on all sorts of topics and improving your life. As far as women go you can check out /r/seduction, I know it sounds a little brash if you've never heard of it. But really it's mainly about respecting yourself, fixing the way you see the world and becoming a guy that women are attracted too.

You don't have to be sad anymore man, trust me.

u/AsianAway · 54 pointsr/seduction

No More Mr. Nice Guy

This book has single-handedly and coupled with Models by Mark Manson changed my life in the shortest most dramatic ways possible that I couldn't have never imagined.

u/p8ntslinger · 53 pointsr/sex

Also, the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy

and She Comes First by Ian Kerner

u/Dhltnp · 53 pointsr/de

Ok, lassen wir das wieso, weshalb warum mal außen vor da Du schon deine Entscheidung getroffen hast. Ich habe selber nur eine Erfahrung, aber ich habe viel mit den Damen und Herren aus dem Milieu zu tun gehabt. Lass mich einen Vorschlag zur Güte machen, finde eine Möglichkeit eine Escort zu dir kommen zu lassen, ggf. in die sturmfreie Bude von einer deiner Freunde. Sag am Telefon explizit das Du Jungfrau bist und Du eine Dame haben möchtest die auf so eine Nummer wirklich Bock hat, investiere mehr Geld = mehr Zeit. Weil: Du beschreibst dich als schüchtern und die Situation in einem Bordell ist beim Erstkontakt selbst für gestandene Männer eine eher ungewohnte Situation. Viele sind nervös, gestresst und fühlen sich unwohl. Insgesamt kein guter Rahmen um die notwendige Entspannung zu entwickeln die für guten Sex notwendig ist. Vor allem vor dem Hintergrund das bei dir ein weitere Stressor (Jungfäulichkeit) hinzukommt. Resultiert darin das Du entweder keinen hoch bekommst, oder super schnell kommst. Daher ist auch eine Dame wichtig die sich Zeit für dich nimmt und sich auf deine Situation einlässt. Dinge wie gemeinsames Duschen und Massage schaffen eine entspannte Atmosphäre, danach ausgiebiges Vorspiel und 1-2 Verkehr.

Viel Erfolg!

Edit: Da Du noch relativ jung bist, arbeite an dir selbst, es gibt zwei Bücher die ich dir nahelegen kann:

Lass dich nicht von den Rezensionen vom 2 Buch irritieren, es ist in dem Sinne kein "Pickup" Buch. Es geht darum wie man an sich arbeitet um einen selbstsicheren und attraktiven Lebensstil zu entwickeln.

u/robusto_esplendido · 51 pointsr/AskWomen

AH! I highly suggest The Gift of Fear for anyone looking to fine-tune their gut feeling. LOVE that book, and love knowing there's science behind those gut intuitions!

u/IdyllMermaid · 51 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

"Nothing happened", the word to finish that sentence is YET. while it's unknown exactly how the situation would of progressed if you hadn't left and gone to a safer location... if you feel it's dangerous that you are most likely right in your assessment. People are more perceptive than they realize.

Consider reading this book: The Gift of Fear

Maybe flippin' them off wasn't the smartest move, but they were already focused on harassing you. You are not responsible at all for their sinister behaviour.

It was better to run that to stay, you made the right choice.

There can be a pack mentality of men egging other men on, an action they may not initiate on their own, they will take part in, or turn a blind eye to, when they're together.

I've seen it in girls and women too (pack cruelty), more with verbal bullying, rarely physical violence.

u/CatullusWasRight · 51 pointsr/relationships

Your story is starting to scare me. Please go get some pepper spray and/or a stun gun because I wouldn't put it past this crazy dude to try and attack you. He won't give two shits about a restraining order.

I also recommend reading this book.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

Please stay safe and away from Jake!

u/rand486 · 49 pointsr/IWantToLearn

I'd recommend you take a look at adult attachment theory. I read this and it drastically changed my views on relationship needs, jealousy included.

Basically, you'll find that jealousy is a "panic mode" reaction (there are plenty of others) that can be quelled if you are pro-active with your partner. It's easiest to pre-empt the feeling by realizing you're feeling insecure, and addressing that with your partner ahead of time, before the jealousy sinks in.

Even once it's set in, you're effectively just looking for safety. Just ask for a hug, kiss, reassurance, whatever from your partner, and that intimacy will likely help to "reset" you to your normal state. Your partner will hopefully be communicative and open enough to help you there.

The important part is to address it calmly, and lovingly, instead of putting blame on your partner and yelling at them. Tell your partner you are upset, and need some love/reassurance. I'd be willing to bet once you both have some kind of intimate moment, you'll go right back to being fine.

tl dr; Jealousy isn't a bad thing in itself; it's a reaction to your relationship needs going unfulfilled in some manner, which can be calmed by good communication and reassurance between your partner and you.

u/heregoes_something · 48 pointsr/Art

Drawing From the Right Side of the Brain is a classic with some great exercises. Have fun!

u/Antistotle · 48 pointsr/sexover30

Standard Responses:

  1. Look up "Responsive Desire" v.s. "Spontaneous Desire".
  2. Read the book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
  3. There's a book out there about "Love Languages", but I can't remember what it is.
u/WobbegongWonder · 48 pointsr/IAmA

"On Sheep, Wolves, and Sheepdogs" by Lt. Dave Grossman. This may be too much to state, but to me this paper represents the "ethos" of the professional soldier within the Western societies.

I also highly recommend his other book "On Killing". As a civilian, and one who has not witnessed the terror of war, this is a read that is a must. I made a note to stop after each chapter in order to think, imagine, and reflect on what was written.

My deepest respect to those who fight the dirty, awful (& sometimes quiet) wars for us.

*cleaned links

u/sleepyhouse · 47 pointsr/AskReddit

PS: for any folks interested in learning about polyamory (you know, for science) check out The Ethical Slut.

EDIT: Healthy (pre-established) polyamory between consenting adults. Ditto on the responsibility: keep those kids your number one priority.

u/Renuo · 46 pointsr/pics

Hey man, you might enjoy looking up this book:

As somebody else who has resolved himself to learn how to draw, that book took me from shitty stick-figures to a Clint Eastwood sketch that still instills gushing feelings of inner pride from myself. All within days mind you.

u/LifeIsMyLover · 46 pointsr/sex

There’s an entire book written by a man dedicated solely to performing oral sex on a woman. It’s very tastefully (no pun intended) written and it would be an awesome read for you and your husband. She Comes First

u/PracticedPrick · 45 pointsr/TheRedPill

But you seem to know most of that already.

You can actually use your natural altruism to justify a more realistic and self-concerned approach when you realise that boldness, confidence and assertiveness are gifts you give others not just yourself.

u/leducdeguise · 45 pointsr/AskReddit

former smoker here. I started at 15, quit at 33. Average of 1 pack a day in the meantime.

  • first I would suggest you read the book from Allen Carr:

  • 2nd I'm of the "cold turkey" school, that is, if you stop you should stop abruptly, and not use any replacement like nicotine gums, patches, e-cigs.. or lowering your daily cigs. You would just be postponing the deadline. No use making the agony last longer...

  • 3rd, believe me when I say that quitting is easy. You probably don't think that, but when you will have quit, you will understand :)

  • 4th, watch your diet and do some physical exercise as soon as you stop! I didn't and took 24lbs/12Kg in 4 months after I quit. I wouldn't have if I had watched my diet.. and done some exercising.

  • last but not least: go to /stopsmoking, you'll find some good support there.

    hang on tight, once you REALLY want it, it's really not that hard
u/Woollen · 42 pointsr/AskMen

It isn't wrong to be kind - just be kind to everyone! :)

You start to push the "nice guy" barrier when you expect people to let you in their pants as a reward for your "kindness". Be kinda because you enjoy it, not because you expect some sort of reaction from others.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" seems to be recommended around Reddit a lot. Might be worth a read.

u/TheOldGuy54 · 40 pointsr/AskMen

Read this book! It is not about becoming a dick to others but learning to stand up for yourself


No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover


"Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.

u/BearonVonMu · 40 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

This is what I came here to find/post. Second date is a fine time to tell you about an open relationship/polyamory. If she is up-front and honest about it and you are as well, it'll probably turn out well. For a good book to read through on the topic, I recommend "The Ethical Slut" (

u/Kalsed · 39 pointsr/brasil

Falar Top ajuda tanto quanto falar "ta uma merda" ou "foda-se". Mas aumenta o ego. Obviamente a pessoa que desenhou focou o tempo em sombras e luzes e detalhes, mas ta bem obio que quem desenhou não tem noção de anatomia, estrutura, proporção ou muita pratica. E isso é ok. Depende do que você procura. Se é um hobby, "só um desenho", ta bem legal. E muito bom que você passou 3 horas nele, mostra que você realmente gosta de desenhar.

Se você quer melhorar de verdade. Primeira coisa é aprender estrutura básica. Proporção, blocagem, anatomia etc. Entender um olho sempre vai fazer com que você possa desenhar olhos mais rápido, mais realistas e ai sim manipular ele para o tipo de olho que você quer. Seu desenho está muito 2D, mesmo com as sombras. tente entender que o olho é uma esfera dentro do cranio e envolta por pele. Não se preocupe tanto com sombras e luzes no começo, tenta primeiro fazer o olho funcionar.

Isso se da por vários motivos. Um deles é que você está desenhando o olho como um simbolo olho, o que vocÊ lembra como que seria um olho. Muito melhor tentar ignorar essa memória e praticar a observação, pelo menos até você entender. Tem um luvro chamado "desenhando com o lado direito do cerebro" Recomendo bastante para entender isso.
Cílios longos, lápis mais escuro... Isso são detalhes. Não são eles que deixam seu desenho bom. O básico que deixa. Proko é um mestre. Ignora as luzes, as sombras. Foca na estrutura.

Dito isso, pense agora no... Desenho. Um olho sendo só um olho não diz muito. Se foi um estudo, desenhe menor, desenhe mais. Um estudo não precisa de um olho renderizado. Ao menos que esse seja o foco do estudo. Um estudo precisa de 5 folhas, lotadas de olhos de vários angulos, alguns com contexto, olhos de diversas etinias, diversos formatos, com os 2 olhos muitas vezes (simetria é sempre bom de estudar). Se for um desenho finalizado, sempre pense num contexto, esse olho está no vazio? Numa pedra? num rosto? Numa pessoa desenhando um olho num papel? Desenhe esse contexto. Velocidade vem com o tempo, não se preocupa.

Espero que minha crítica, apesar de um pouco mais pesada tenha sido útil. Todo mundo que desenha já passou por essa parte. Se eu te falar "ta legal", você vai ficar feliz, mas vai cometer os mesmos erros pelo próximos 50 desenhos de 3 horas.

u/IGaveHerThe · 39 pointsr/fitness30plus

In my opinion: Nutrition is for losing (or gaining) weight and making sure you recover properly.

Cardiovascular training (literally heart and blood-vessel training) is for heart, vascular and lung health so you can run after a bus or take a flight of stairs without feeling like you are going to die. It helps you think more clearly, resist depression, and reduces risks of some of the most deadly diseases (heart attack, stroke, etc.)

Resistance training is for gaining or maintaining lean body mass and strength. This helps you look better naked, keeps your bone mass up, and as you get older, helps you recover more easily from slips and falls. It also is good for your metabolism: it helps with insulin sensitivity and each pound of lean mass burns 2-3x as much energy as a pound of fat, and it takes up less space.

Finally, stretching/mobility training will help you keep your youthful ranges of motion, reduce stiffness and pain, and reduce injury potential.

You need a balance of these four elements to be truly fit.

To answer your specific questions:

  1. Yes, you have to maintain a calorie deficit to lose weight. There is no way around this. However, focusing on satiety (the feeling of being satisfied) will help. In my experience, foods that help with satiety without being high in calories are a. water b. fiber and c. protein. Fat can also help a meal stick with you, but a little goes a long way. Pure carbs (stuff with very little fiber) are tricky. This leads us to foods like lean meats, vegetables, fruits, and legumes (beans) and away from sugars and refined carbs (especially those with fat and carbohydrate together like cake, pizza, pastas, bread and butter, etc.). People have lost weight on all kinds of diets, so experimenting with what works for you is good. Tracking your calories and macronutrient (protein/fat/carbohydrate) intake with something like can help. There are more "advanced" methods but starting there can help your basic awareness of when and what you're eating, and you can start to make tweaks and adjustments from there.

  2. It's OK if you can't do purely running. Consider swimming, riding a bike, rowing or a low-impact alternative like an elliptical machine. If you have health insurance, consider seeing a doctor/physical therapist to give you specific ways to work with/around your limitations. Simply losing some weight can help with all kinds of orthopedic (bone-related) issues.

  3. Lifestyle advice. It's about taking small steps and building habits. I recommend trying to break a sweat at roughly the same time every day. Do something laughably easy at the beginning, like going into the gym and doing a warmup, then leaving. The point is consistency by showing up over time. Find a program or work with a personal trainer who will design a program for your abilities, and stick with it. I personally recommend something that you do either every day (7 days a week) or at least 5 days a week during the work-week (Monday through Friday), purely because it's actually easier than going 3 days a week because you get into a habit of going at a specific time every day. You will have to carve out time for this, there are no two ways around it, but that time can be early in the morning, during lunch, or after work. If you join a gym, find one between home and work to help reduce the issues of going before or after work. Finding a program you can do at home is great as well and can help with logistical issues. You want to be there when your baby graduates high school and college and gets married, so you're investing in your future. I highly recommend the books "Atomic Habits" by James Clear, as well as "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg with more help on those fronts.

  4. Lifestyle part 2, diet. I recommend doing a weekly or twice-weekly session of food preparation. If you have a 5-day a week workout habit, you can set aside two days to go shopping for healthy food and prepare healthy food in bulk. (Slow cooker and sous vide can help here, as well as the basic stove and oven.) Having a good breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or whatever meals match your plan) on hand will reduce the urge to grab something quickly for those meals, and it will force you to plan ahead, which really helps you stick to those decisions later. If you have trigger foods (like chips or pastries or something) don't bring them into the house. This doesn't mean that you can never eat your favorite food ever again, but it does mean that you want to have 80% or more of your nutrition match the goals that you have. Then when you have the food you like, you will enjoy it more.

    Sorry, I started in on this post and it got away from me. Hopefully you find some useful nuggets in here.

    TL;DR: You need to have a balance of nutrition, cardio, resistance, and mobility training. You have to have a calorie deficit to lose weight, so focus on foods that fill you up without a ton of calories. There are tons of cardio options that aren't running that will be easier on your joints. Lifestyle change is about changing your habits. Doing food prep really helps make losing weight easier.
u/capmaverick · 39 pointsr/antiMLM

I woke up to a FB message from someone telling me that this had been shared here, so I tracked it; I'm the OP for the FB post. I'm sorry I'm so long-winded, but I just kept typing; it was actually just supposed to be a reach-out to some friends who are getting into ItWorks! and Lipsense, to caution them not to get too deep. I don't do a lot of social media, so I'm not good at viral posting or anything like that, but I wanted to come and provide more information from my notes for those interested. I got to sit in front of two subject matter experts for three hours, and everything I wrote was a credit to their life's work to undo the damage of high-demand groups.

I'm a Navy vet and psychology doctoral candidate from WV, and I work in mental health. I attended a training earlier this month from two guys from Wellspring WV, which is a really great facility that focuses primarily on helping people recover from re-education, high-demand groups, and what we could traditionally call "cult" activity and "brainwashing" (These awesome gentlemen are named Jeff Bryson and Greg Sammons; they also reference Dr. Alexandra Stein, who was a reformed cult member and is now a prominent SME in the field). It was about three hours of talking about the general tactics that are applied by the leaders of these groups to expand control. The focal point of the training was actually Scientology, but I was immediately fascinated by the claims that coercive control extended to MLM groups. Specifically, they mentioned someone from ASU (for the life of me, I can't remember who, because things were moving fast, there were a lot of slides, and I forgot to write down his name) who actually teaches a seminar on how to apply these coercion tactics in a MLM; so, ASU's School of Business has a MLM-factory,maybe from this Michael Sheffield dude somewhere in its midst (but he covers his ass by stressing that people only use the information "ethically". Yeah. Right.) So for the past few weeks, I've been poring through whatever literature I can find. Here are some of the things that have been in my general reading list, not focused on MLM:

u/freshfishfinderforty · 37 pointsr/nevertellmetheodds

Clearly you don't trust random people on the internet. here is a well sourced and respected book if you would like to know more.

u/kmnil · 37 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

Thank you for this. I think I need to figure out a way to have a situation somewhat like this.

Right now, he's so frustrated in general about it, he's like, "LET'S BONE! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO!!??" And when I tell him I don't know, he gets mad, doesn't believe me, makes crazy assumptions like I'm cheating.

All of that definitely doesn't help me get in the mood. And right now, I'm not able to just say, "SEX, let's do it." I don't like it. I know he's upset. But to have sex when I don't feel it, it just doesn't seem right.

EDIT: Since this is a higher comment, I'll put this here. Thanks everyone for the advice and wonderful words.

I ordered Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity. I'm going to give them a read and not-so-subtly leave the books out so he can see I'm doing something for the cause.

u/ludwigvonmises · 37 pointsr/outside

Yeah, sure thing. These were helpful for me. No doubt there are other, maybe even better resources out there.

  • Skill books on overcoming addiction
    • Recovery (Russell Brand's unique AA-style approach applicable to everything)
    • This Naked Mind (on alcohol)
    • Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking (on tobacco)
    • These are willpower-free approaches, meaning they don't ask you to muscle through some tough initial period. They simply reorient your mind towards your desire for these things, so you never desire them again.
  • Online tutorials for understanding your psychology
  • Other resources
    • The X-Effect - a subreddit that uses a 50 day method to eliminate your association with an activity
    • Nightly journaling - Writing down your experiences with your issue, how you felt, how you overcame it, why you succumbed to it, what you plan to do next time, etc. Articulating yourself on it over and over.
u/EntropyFighter · 36 pointsr/socialskills

Sounds like you have a value problem. If you knew your true worth, you wouldn't behave like this. Like, if you were made out of pure win, everything you did won, and you always had success... how would you approach it then?

Do that and don't apologize for it. Nobody else is.

Listen to this: Jim Rohn - Learn These Skills Or Have a Mediocre Life

Read this: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Ask questions about them here if you'd like. But you need to start by realizing your intrinsic value. Sounds like somebody else (likely in childhood) convinced you different and so now here we are.

You're not asking this because you're an introvert. You're asking this because you don't feel you have real value. Also, it's likely that contributes to your introverted tendencies. The book above will really help with this.

Also, it's not anxiety you have, it's more likely that it's embarrassment. You're embarrassed that somebody else will think poorly of you. That's because you're letting them determine your worth. Get a grip on your own value and that will help you more than anything.

u/CakeIsSpy · 36 pointsr/Guildwars2

I also had to quit GW2 due to it being too addicting. Personal two nickels: quitting video games cold turkey doesn't work, especially if you haven't changed your living environment, like the computer with all the potential games is right there in your house/apartment waiting to be played. It is an instant trigger reminding you to play again. My happy medium was strictly sticking to single-player games when I'm solo, and ONLY playing multiplayer/online games with people I have met and know in real life - as a way of socializing. Luckily the few friends that I have are busy and can only play on weekends so it's working out for now.

A few books that helped a TON in understanding why I had such a hard time quitting:

The Power of Habit

[Mini Habits] (

I hope it works out for you! IMO you are doing the correct thing getting back to old hobbies, but it definitely does take time.

u/DancingUnderTheMoon · 36 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I've been reading The Power of Now, which is helping me realize how the present moment is all we have and is the only thing that can give us inner peace. I am still reading it, but the book has certainly helped me better understand this. "All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry -- all forms of fear -- are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." (Eckhart, p. 61)

u/abclife · 35 pointsr/FIREyFemmes

For me, it's a bit cheesey but after reading the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, I truly felt that my life was changed. In total, I have tidied up my place twice, the first time only my clothes and the 2nd time, doing my entire apartment. Each time, I've felt a perspective change after. The biggest thing beyond tidying your house was how that book forces to confront your past decisions and change the way you make new ones. I try to do things that "spark joy" for me and this goes beyond shopping or spending money. Speaking of shopping, after you tidy, you are much more careful about buying new things, how you're spending your money and what you're bringing home. Once I finished my tidying festival, as Marie calls it, I was able to shift my focus on to more important things like FIRE and doing thigns in my life that sparked joy.

u/Jayfrin · 35 pointsr/psychology

This dude has a bunch of good stuff in social influence and persuasion, really great read for just generally becoming better at social interaction.

u/Meyerkord · 35 pointsr/leanfire
u/249ba36000029bbe9749 · 35 pointsr/funny

And for anyone who just wants to know what the actual book is, it's Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking.

u/Krandoth · 34 pointsr/worldnews

You're already over the withdrawal. What you're going through now is just mental addiction. If you can accept that cigarettes really are 100% harmful with no benefits at all, that will help you get through it - Carr's book explains this much more fully.

u/MachoMcFearless · 34 pointsr/Showerthoughts

Great book on this called "On Killing - the Psychological Costs of Learning to Kill in War and Society

On Killing - Amazon UK


It explores killing in war through history and the effects, largely linked to proximity of the kill, had detrimental effects on the killer.

Some notable facts about the book that I can remember after reading it 10 years ago:

Knife/Bayonett kills, though exceptionally rare in more recent wars, had the most devastating effects. Soldiers cited as feeling a man's last breath had a big hurdle to climb.

American soldiers in WWII were exceptionally bad shots, especially when shooting Germans. Turns out most Americans didn't want to kill people, even during the heroic march to victory. All-time terrible percentage of shooting.

War attracts psychopaths and make up something like 5% of combatants who are out to kill and not the norm.


If you are interested in this topic I highly recommend the book. Things I read have stayed with me and it never surprises me how much this topic comes up in conversation.

u/Maphover · 33 pointsr/AusFinance

If you're interested in reading about this and other subtle strategies used to influence, I suggest you check out the book influence: the psychology of persuasion. It's one of my faves. It details:

  • Reciprocity
  • Anchoring
  • Scarcity
  • Decoy effect
  • Similarity bias (fear of difference)
  • Small commitment to influence longer term commitment
  • Making efforts difficult to increase eventual satisfaction (Ikea effect)

    All very interesting stuff that you can see in action every day.
u/return2ozma · 33 pointsr/2meirl4meirl

Fellow introvert, this book changed my life. Definitely should read it.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

u/Scattered_Castles · 33 pointsr/washingtondc

The winter months are especially hard. People say this ad nauseum, but start exercising. That could be hitting the gym or just going for a morning jog. Depending where you live, try and go for daily walks too. I started consistently exercising about two years ago and it helps me a lot.

For overall mental health, if you feel life is getting to be a bit much, maybe look into seeing a therapist. They can help give you tools to overcome certain emotions you are feeling and help identify things that arise. Other routes are meditation,. I used to pay for Headspace and highly recommend it, but plenty of free stuff out there too. Lastly, consider looking into self-help books. This genre gets eye rolls from time to time, but I've found a few books that have helped me understand my mental and emotional health. I recommend Feeling Good as a good place to start.

Regarding the loss of a girlfriend, everyone tackles that differently. Dating in DC is brutal, but when I was actively in the online dating scene, it was a lot of fun. I went in with no expectations, a positive attitude, and I met a lot of interesting women. Sometimes we'd date for awhile, other times it would fizzle out, and a few times I've made genuine friends. In the end, online dating was more about self discovery of what I really look for in a partner.

As for friends, check out the weekly Reddit happy hour. It would be a low pressure option to meet new people.

Overall, whatever you choose to do, there is no magic bullet and it's better to take an overall holistic approach to improving your situation.

u/savelatin · 33 pointsr/malefashionadvice

It sounds you like you have a lot of issues that simply dressing better won't fix. I'd first of suggest cognitive therapy. It sounds you like you have a lot of negative self talk, and working on changing that will go a long way to feeling better about yourself. I highly recommend the book Feeling Good which deals with this, as well as the website MoodGym. It's really good that you're asking for advice, because it shows a willingness to work on yourself. It's hard work to change your thought patterns, but it can be done.

That being said, dressing better is one piece of the puzzle that will help. Since I started paying attention to how I dress, it's one less thing that's on my mind. I know I dress well, and that gives me more confidence. It is just one piece of it though, and won't solve everything. Have you read the side bars and all the guides? There's a wealth of info here and it's kind of hard to just tell you what you need to do since it's so general.

Good luck man.

u/soincrediblylost · 33 pointsr/relationships

10/10. I'm going to stamp this as perfect for dealing with her. As for yourself, I'll recommend this book, and some advice.
Here's how you do this so that you move on faster, quicker, and stronger. I'm here to tell you how to make the best for yourself in the long run, I'm not here to tell you the things that you want to hear (e.g. that the relationship isn't fucked). You're only 24 son, this is ok, and everyone eventually goes through this shitty situation.

Breakup with her now and cut her off from being in your life, make sure all signs point to the fact that you are doing awesome (fake it when things aren't going well, because there are times your brain is going to tell you that everything is completely fucked and try to get you to do something stupid). If you wait, it means more heartbreak for you, and your brain is going to come against you in rejection and you could make the process last so much longer as your brain tries to figure out the why she broke up with you (some guys stay in this stage of depression for 6 months to even years and their ego never recovers). If you breakup with her, then you have the reason to latch onto for your brains sake (she cheated, therefore breakup) and you won't over think things which is half the battle of a breakup (and you can avoid the Long-term depression which is a battle you don't want). The most important point is going to come when you realize that you are the only person who can make yourself happy. You must do whatever you want for yourself right now. You can't expect anyone else to make you happy. You can't try to help others and expect them to do something for you down the road, right now you have to be 100% selfish. You lost yourself in this relationship and right now you need to completely reassess who you want to be, and go be it.

She's going to go to the other guy for support, and eventually things are going to go bad for them (a girl who cheats with someone, will probably -not always- cheat on that someone). She'll come back to you and you'll be able to have some fun, but don't get back into anything, it probably won't work. She'll regret cheating on you, and that's the important part, because now she respects you again (also, you've taught her a valuable lesson as an added bonus and she'll be a better person for it). If you take her back, she'll never respect you, but more importantly, you'll lose your respect for yourself. Self-respect is the only thing you can have for yourself as a man, it is the end-all-be-all. Without self-respect, your life will be a continuing string of disappointment in others, with self-respect comes the life you wanted because you earned it for yourself. Go splash some cold water on your face and accept the fact that it's over. Go over and tell her that you're breaking up with her because she cheated, and then don't listen to a word she says. Right now you're scared of losing something, and that's understandable, but we lose everything we get in this life, and this is just another part of it. That's why I'm giving you this advice. I'm telling you what you can't see because of your fear of losing something. What I'm telling you is that this is the beginning of one of the best parts of your life.

You will never be this free again.

u/thatnycthrowaway · 33 pointsr/sexover30

The BEST BEST BEST book either my partner or I have ever read about all of this is Come As You Are . Get it. Read it. Make your partner read it.

It will change your sex life. We recommend it to everyone. (And it covers arousal, which is why it’s relevant here).

u/rawmaterial · 33 pointsr/sex

And there it is. Change of circumstance. Circumstance plays a huge part in female sexuality. Have you ever heard the classic joke advice about how to get your wife to have more sex with you--Do the laundry, do the dishes. A woman seeing her husband step up to help her out with taking care of the home can put her in a different mindset and get her motor running. Obviously this varies from person to person. A different wife might get stressed out by her husband doing the laundry (he's not folding clothes the right way! etc).

How is she supposed to "try harder?" She's just going to suddenly want sex more by sheer willpower? Nope. You two need to educate yourselves more on sexuality, sex drives, and get to know the circumstances under which you do and do not feel turned on. I recommend Mating In Captivity for both of you and Come As You Are for her.

Recognize that this is a problem and without concrete efforts to educate and reframe the situation, nothing will change. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. But it sounds like you are both willing to try, and that's what is most important.

u/re8ecca55 · 33 pointsr/relationship_advice

Hi! Woman here. You are definitely not ugly. On the plus side, you aren't fat, full head of hair, well trimmed beard, symmetric face, good teeth - lots of good stuff!

Women aren't as superficial as guys on Reddit think they are - but awkwardness and perceived creepiness can be a real problem. Most of the dudes on Reddit who are super bitter about getting girls don't realize that being super bitter sends bad signals.

Have you seen or read this book?

Mark has great stuff on how to improve your chances of getting girls in a real way.

u/bmay · 32 pointsr/psychology

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

This book is based on the principles of cognitive-behavioral therapy, one of the most prominent evidence-based treatments for psychological disturbances ranging from low self-esteem to schizophrenia.

Read this book. It's awesome and will change your life for the better.


u/normally · 32 pointsr/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu

Exactly! Guys, if you're not willing to invest time and effort in turning her on, why should your girlfriend care about getting your hopes up?

Read up on how to fuck a woman that makes it great for both of you. You have the entire internet at your disposal. Start having an open, ongoing conversation about what she personally likes. If she's inexperienced and doesn't know what she likes, then you get to find out together. Hoorah!

If you say, "Wanna have sex?" and she agrees but you don't do much more than stick it in, she is disappointed every time. If she says otherwise, she's just being sweet because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

Does everyone here know that it can physically hurt to have sex when a woman isn't really turned on? And I don't mean kinda uncomfortable or whatever, but real pain. So somewhere between wanting to fuck you and realizing you weren't going to do anything beyond saying, "Wanna have sex?" she realized she didn't want to fall sleep with her vagina burning from being rubbed raw just to make you happy.

Your girlfriend is not one of the small percentage of women who can come from penetration alone. Even if she is, assume she's not. Educate yourself (and maybe her, too). Why not have the best sex you can possibly have while you're young and full of insane lust?

(edit: accidentally a word)

(edit again: accidentally a recommendation)

u/jhnkvn · 32 pointsr/Philippines
  1. Luck and hard work
  2. My car audio setup. I swear that it saved me years off my life driving around Metro Manila's hellish traffic.
  3. Would highly recommend Habit. I typically visit CNN Philippines and Rappler for local news. WSJ and FT for international newspapers. As for people to follow, I love Richard Branson and Elon Musk aside from Steve Jobs.
  4. We went to the US, told people we're gonna buy iPhones, orders came in, and we bought 25 iPhones back to the Philippines that were sold even before they set foot in NAIA. An easy PHP30k profit each for something that took a few minutes each morning for 4 days.
  5. I didn't earn my own money so to speak. Well, except my Eth mining sideline. Does it feel empty.. in a way it does but we do have a sense of pride in continuing our parents legacy.
u/brick_shit_house · 31 pointsr/BabyBumps

I agree with all these comments here, also if you’re thinking about cosleeping, even just for naps, baby CANNOT sleep next to him. As he sleeps, the toxins and nicotine leech out of the skin. So make sure baby never sleeps directly next to him or in his side of the bed.

Husband was a smoker, finally decided to quit a month into pregnancy when we learned about this and the fact LO wouldn’t be able to be in his truck due to residue. He was given a book, said it was amazing and helped him quit cold turkey. This is the book:

u/jus_richards · 31 pointsr/IWantToLearn


Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain

These two resources will pretty much do you for a while. The book is like learning the abc's for drawing. It'll run through everything a beginner needs to know. The sub-reddit will allow you to post your drawings and then get critique for them: really helpful tool.

For drawing kit all you'll need is a pencil or a pencil set and some paper. Don't go nuts with buying too much 'cause you never know if you'll like it enough to keep going.

u/wonderful72pike · 31 pointsr/starterpacks

It does, but you don't need to know all of that to draw from a still photo of a face. Instead of drawing a skull, muscles, skin, you break the picture down into shapes and lines and draw those instead. You don't need to know any of the anatomy because all the visual information you need to draw it is already there without any knowledge of how it works.

It's possible to go from not knowing how to draw to being able to draw a pretty good face in just a week if you can learn to do this, there are several books that teach it. This is the one most people will recommend you. From there you just practice getting more accurate and learn how to actually do it (physical techniques to shade, how to blend, etc.).

He's being a dick about it but what /u/curdledS8 is saying is 100% accurate -- knowing how to draw from a still photo really well doesn't mean shit if you don't know how to draw form, how perspective works, etc.. It's not that impressive if you think about it this way.

u/jjohnson1979 · 30 pointsr/CasualConversation

If I may...

I bought this book on a recommendation of a friend of mine. My wife insisted I give it a shot. I read the book in 4 days, and haven't touched a cigarette since. It's been 8 and a half years!

Your mileage may vary, of course, but I love the way this book makes you rethink your relationship with tobacco. I recommend it to many people who want to quit smoking.

u/MatthewASobol · 30 pointsr/NoFap

> I have practically no social connections. Never kissed, never dated.

Join clubs (sporting, coding clubs, chess, gaming - whatever). They are a great way to meet new people and you don't have to keep going if you don't want to. Nothing to lose.

> My dad said if I didn't get a job soon, he'd kick me out. ... I applied to Safeway, McDonalds, Burger King, Dairy Queen and Taco Bell. NONE of them hired me.

Volunteer for charity organisations. It will get you back out into a working environment, fill a gap in the resume and may provide some character references. Working with other people should also improve your self esteem.

> I don't like going on Facebook because I get to see how successful all my friends are, and how they all grew up, doing all these extraordinary things.

That should be your motivation. When you see those pictures and status updates, you should be thinking - I want that. What can I do right now to get me closer to that?

> I posted to 4chan about my pathetic life and they all told me to kill myself.

Don't post (or read) 4chan. It's a cesspool of human suffering.

> I always dreamed of being a successful game programmer but I am too lazy to even do that.

Have you done much programming? if not - /r/learnprogramming

> I don't know what else to do.

  • Start. Write a list of long-term goals and break them down into short-term goals. Keep doing this until the first step seems so incredibly easy that you can start straight away. Re-assess often.

  • Cultivate discipline. Here's a great post to have a read of:

  • The way you think about yourself is terrible for you. Once you are ready, I think reading this book might do you some good: Feeling Good

    At the moment, you seem to be in a stage of self-pity. Stop. It's not going to help. So, you didn't get hired by McDonalds. Big whoop! Look at where you are and do what you can right now. You don't want to be looking back in one, two, five years time thinking "if only I had started earlier".

    Finally, good luck. Life can be tough. Don't let it pass you by.

u/scarletsalander · 30 pointsr/running

There is a great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker that nicely articulates why it is ALWAYS a good idea to listen to your gut reaction in these instances. Research supports the idea that when you feel squicked out by someone, there is usually good reason for it.

In general, I think people need better information about psychological and physical boundaries. I only learned about it in depth in therapy when I was processing my abuse history. I knew I had been hurt, but often couldn't explain why some of the emotional abuse in particular was so egregious until I had vocabulary related to boundary violations to describe it more accurately.

The fact that he grabbed your hand immediately, before even verbally announcing himself or saying hello, is a sign that he feels welcome to invite himself into your space without being asked, i.e. he does not respect your physical space (touching you without invitation or an appropriate level of friendship/intimacy), nor your psychological space (imposing his presence on you for THREE MILES even after you gave CLEAR cues for him to leave, e.g. saying you were going slower today, etc.).

You reacted completely reasonably and appropriately given the situation. What he did shows that he would be willing to impose on your boundaries in other situations as well, and that he sees himself as free to intrude on your space/time/person.

I wouldn't blame you for being concerned about running into him again. Who knows how he'll react when he realizes it isn't your phone number or that he can't find you easily on the path.

Do you run with your phone on you? You may want to let someone know the next time you're out alone in that area so that you can make an emergency call the second you see him again and alert a friend to your location/the fact that he's around. Establish a check-in procedure.

If he is pushy again, or doesn't take no for an answer, I don't think it is unreasonable to let a police officer in the area know. Sometimes they will up patrols when they know that behavior is occurring.

u/fucks_with_toasters · 30 pointsr/army

Read this book:

Practice, you’ll get better with time. I approach every task I’m given the same way: I do my best at it, and if I fail then I learn what I’m not good at. That tells me what to work on for the next time I do it. You can get a lot of self development done that way.

Fake it till you make it man. Soldiers look at you and see an NCO. If you try to project what you think they should be seeing, then eventually you’ll get used to acting that way and it will become normal. Nobody has access to the inside of your head but you, it’s okay to be nervous or freak out to yourself, but what you project outwardly is what counts.

u/napalmthechild · 29 pointsr/socialskills

Being in the work force for 10 years I can say I started out that way too. At 18 I joined the Marines and to be honest, as an introvert, its not the place to be if you're really quiet. No man's an island and if you are the type that isolates yourself then the other guys are going to try break you off real quick. I had plenty of people pick on me and vote me in for the shittiest details for my first 6 months.. all because I was a "nice guy" and couldn't assert myself. It ended when someone finally pushed me to my limits and I stood up for myself (and a bit of help from underaged drinking). That moment I realized for a socially awkward introvert to make it in a heavily social work setting you're going to have to make an effort to take control of your environment.

Now, I'm not defending your coworkers attitudes because they sound pretty childish, but if you're making the workplace uncomfortable in such a way by being closed off I can see why your coworkers would lash out at you. My simple strategy in new work places is this, put yourself out there the moment you step in the door. Are you greeting people in mornings? If not then you should because it's the quickest ice breaker. Don't just make a B line straight to your desk and be in your own world. I try to pick up on other people's interests and bullshit with people every now and then, it's fake and its exhausting but there isn't a way around it until you move up the ladder a bit more. But even then as a supervisor you still want to be someone who is approachable so others can ask you for help, which means you'll need to be able to relate and open up conversations.

There are dicks in every workplace so switching offices may or may not really be that beneficial. You can keep moving around to find something that completely suites your personality (which is nice for short term but I guarantee it will never be permanent) or you can become someone who owns their environment and make any social situation work out in their favor.

Also, this book helped me understand my own temperament more when it comes to social work settings as well as tips for dealing with an extroverted work environment.

u/MrNotSoBright · 29 pointsr/pics

You should read "On Killing".

In a lot of ways, you kinda do need "propaganda", or things like it, to REALLY get someone to hate another person they've never met, to the point of wanting to kill them, especially on a battlefield. Most people in battles aren't filled with rage, they're filled with a a shitload of fear butting up against lot of training designed to try and counteract it.

u/ElBurritoLuchador · 29 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

I've skimmed through your post history dude and judging by it, you've already checked yourself out long ago. You're drowning because she's the deep black abyss of an ocean and you're letting your self drown without so much of a struggle. You already know what you need to do with her, right? You knew it 5 months ago then here we are 5 months later without so much of a change. Start doing something. Even just a tiny bit.

First of all, don't give a fuck about what will happen to her. She knew the consequences of her actions and she needs to face it. Start living yourself for your child and you. Ignore her. The other problem is that crippling lack of self-respect of yours. Self-esteem is one of those things that you can slowly build up. Working out is one of those things. The rush of endorphins and just the chemical change in brain chemistry changes you. Anything psychological is also biological. Just work out.

Secondly, don't bother yourself of an "possible" future events. Don't construct this elaborate "What ifs" and "What will" if you ever leave your cheating wife because you're not a fortune teller. What you need to realize is your unhappy and you want to leave. Fuck her. Read the "Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. An excerpt on it "Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing. Is fear preventing you from taking action? Acknowledge the fear, watch it, take your attention into it, be fully present with it. Doing so cuts the link between the fear and your thinking." It's a goddamn good book.

Finally, start moving on, like, right now. As if you're already divorced from her. Go meet friends, focus on your child, have fun FOR YOURSELF. You want to Kayak at the Grand Rapids? Do it! Start feeling single. The more you pretend you're moving on, the more you start moving on from her. It's always starting with little things that eventually become big. I know, it's quite daunting to change a lifestyle you've been used to for years but it's that same routine that tightens the noose around your neck. Stop wallowing in self-pity and saying you're stuck. You're not a character in a Dostoevsky novel where tragedy is in every corner and you're stuck in a Russian Gulag for the rest of your life.

So, start doggy paddling toward the nearest shore, dude. I hope next time you write here, you're in a good place away from her.

u/forcedguy · 29 pointsr/explainlikeimfive

The word "borderline" means the border between psychosis and neurosis.

The NIMH definition is accurate, but doesn't ELI5 as you're requesting. Based on the book I link to below, and I can tell you also from my first hand experience, that BPD has roots in feeling worthless. Behavior which can be seen as damaging or uncomfortable or abusive, can also be explained as someone with BPD having an overwhelming need to be perceived as having worth. It's not just being "evil" or "manipulative", there's a reason WHY the behavior occurs. The mindset is closer to: "You're wrong, you aren't hurt by me. I can't have hurt you, because if I did then I was wrong, and if I was wrong you won't love me, and if you don't love me I'm worthless and will be abandoned. So I didn't hurt you, you are not hurt, because I can't be revealed to be worthless." Something like that.

I STRONGLY recommend you read the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells", which describes BPD through the lens of the family and friends of those who suffer from it. It makes it much easier to identify, and to understand the difference between "high functioning" and "low functioning" BPD.

Also, it's worth noting that BPD is often diagnosed alongside narcissistic personality disorder, they amplify each other in some ways.

I hope this helps.

u/najing_ftw · 29 pointsr/lastimages

Mom died of cancer. The end was awful. It takes some time, but eventually the memories of the end fade, and the wonderful memories remain.

It’s going to be bad for awhile. I’m sorry for your loss.

Edit - Mom dies of smoking related cancer. Please quit.

This way works:

u/Joffrey_is_so_alpha · 28 pointsr/TheBluePill

>She said my whole vibe and the way I was looking at them was creepy.

This is called "intuition", sometimes known as "emotional intelligence". It's detailed in Gavin De Becker's masterful book that every woman should read, The Gift of Fear. (Seriously, if you haven't read it, do yourself a favor. If you're a guy, buy it for all the women in your life.)

Experts like De Becker, who specialize in helping women avoid violence, say that the single most important thing any woman can do is follow her gut feelings about creepers.

If a woman says you were being a creepy degrading asshole, dude, you were most likely being a creepy asshole. The very fact that you've come running back to gerbil about your lack of success to your fellow redpillians - plus your post history - tells me that she's RIGHT ON TARGET.

Creepy misogynist PUA-wannabe: 0
Intuitive woman's creepdar: 1

edit: after reading the replies: holy shit they hate women a whole lot in there shudder

edit the second: wow, this post seems to have hit a raw redpillian nerve. As long as you're reading, dudes, what you do is predatory behavior. A lot of women out there are going to intuit that you're up to no good whatsoever. What you do is predatory and creepy as all fuck. You're gross. What's worse is that you're gross and don't realize it. You're like the old fat dude in the otherwise respectable bar wearing gold chains and a texas tuxedo and a nugget ring who talks too loud and tells shitty jokes and pinches the waitstaff's ass and has too much nose/ear/back hair and who thinks he's the hottest of shit, but for whom everyone else - especially women, but normal dudes too - feels a combination of growing impatience, disgust and pity. THAT GUY IS ALL OF YOU.

u/Lovemidget · 28 pointsr/guns

There've been studies and books written by people on the subject. The military as a whole puts a pretty big emphasis on being able to actually kill your enemy when it comes down to it.

u/TantraGirl · 28 pointsr/sexover30

I was able to orgasm with a vibrator and a lot of time, but never could get off with a guy until my (future) husband and I got seriously experimental about it. I'm very glad we did. It has made a HUGE difference! If you want to make an effort to change this, I encourage you to keep exploring alternatives.

That's important, because women who have trouble having orgasms differ so much in terms of what works that it's really hard to give specific advice, except this: don't stop trying new things just because the first ten don't work!

Fortunately, most of the things you will want to try are interesting and enjoyable, even if they don't work the first time, so the journey can be fun even if it takes a while.

This is a good place to start:

  • How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic.

    It has a bunch of links to other resources, including this classic book, which I recommend:

  • Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, revised edition

    It's out of print, but Amazon usually has used copies for under $10, shipping included. It's a classic for a reason. It has helped many, many women have their first orgasms and their first partnered orgasms.

    If you're like most people, you both came into your relationship with a set of preconceived ideas about what "having sex" consists of, in terms of the sequence of steps, the techniques, and the amount of time devoted to each part of the process. You've tried that and it hasn't worked, and you've tried a lot of variations on those themes without success. But you haven't explored all or even most of the possibilities, so don't give up now.

    A good example of that is the website OMG Yes!!!, where you can learn many variations on about a dozen basic ways for your partner to stimulate your vulva and clitoris with his fingers. (It's $39, but definitely worth it.) I recommend exploring it first and experimenting on yourself, and then you can show him what you'd like him to try.

    I also recommend the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner. It will help a great deal with the "stalling out" problem.

    More generally, I would urge you to:

  1. Read all the relevant parts of A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex, especially the sections called "Focus on Her" and "Troubleshooting."

  2. Get an inexpensive folding massage table. (Under $100 on Amazon, the best investment in good sex you'll ever make.)

  3. Do sensate focus therapy together for at least three months. (This is the program described in the second half of "Becoming Orgasmic".]

  4. Read the relevant articles from the SO30 Wiki for tips on oral and manual technique and advice on increasing sexual arousal during foreplay.

  5. Adopt a longer, more sensual script for sex that includes a lot more cuddling, deep kissing, erotic massage, and foreplay before PIV, and follow that script at least half the time.

  6. Specifically, learn sensual/erotic/tantric massage and do it a LOT.

  7. Try an air-pulse type vibrator (e.g., Womanizer Pro40 or Satisfyer P2) and a regular vibrator with a different strength/pitch. (I.e., if the one you have is high-pitched and buzzy, get a deep rumbly one like the Magic Wand, or vice versa.) Try out each one during PIV. Reverse Cowgirl is the best if having him watch you is a problem. If not, Regular Cowgirl and Butterfly are also great. (Butterfly involves you lying at the foot of the massage table with your legs up and he stands facing you. Lots of room for a Wand!)

  8. Try to create the most relaxing possible situation, a time and place where you are super relaxed. Get some good hard exercise, go dancing, sign up for a spa day, go to the beach or the park and spend some time communing with nature. Have a glass of wine, meditate, spend an hour with a litter of 14-week old puppies. Do whatever it is that works for you to get you really relaxed. Then take a long shower or bath and let your SO give you a great full-body massage that gradually incorporates fingers, oral, and your favorite vibrator.

  9. If you have access to a trusted source, MDMA can do wonders.

    Good luck! ❤️💕
u/Nicoleinco · 28 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Bi-Polar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? If it is Borderline, please read books SPECIFIC on this, not for Bi-Polar as there are notable differences in how to handle the illness.

Did her doctor diagnose her? Is she accepting of her mental illness and is she aware and able to work on it? How long have you been married? How old are the kids?

My husband's ex-wife was loosely diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Every time a doctor got enough insight and started to see her lies and manipulation of the story, she'd find a new doctor that would tell her what she wanted to hear, so she never got officially diagnosed. Her BPD causes things to be very black and white. You either agree with her (and she changes her views/opinions very frequently so you must keep up!!) or she cuts you out/off entirely. There is no agree to disagree, no civility or humanity in interactions.

You must get yourself and the kiddos some counseling. If she wants counseling, obviously get her some. But my guess is she has a few moments of clarity here and there, and sees what a monster she can be but for the most part, she villainizes everyone around her and she's convinced she's blameless.

You haven't provided a whole lot of information but if you'd like to add more detail, I'd be more than happy to listen or advise. I also think you should post this on r/Askmen because I have read a lot of stories on there that are similar to this.

Best of Luck with your situation!

u/BearZeBubus · 28 pointsr/learntodraw

Most people do not suck at drawing because they do not know the technique, but because they do not know how to see. What you want to do is train your eyes and I recommend the book "Drawing with the Right Side of the Brain" by Betty Edwards. EDIT: Here is the Amazon link and I just noticed there is a 4th edition! If I needed another I would get this to check it out but I am sure she added a lot of good things. The author studied the human brain to have a better understand of how drawing works so I am sure she added new techniques and things from current studies.

Try to look for it at a local library, I am guessing you are either Australian or English so I am not sure if they will have the book but you can drop about 20$ and then some for shipping from Amazon.

About styles: you develop it over time. I am not really talking about manga style, but your own flavor of doing things. I recommend trying out the manga style, but I do not recommend making that your main form of learning. That is bad, because (1) you are copying another stylized piece of work (you want to draw from nature or non-photoshopped photographs) and (2) you most likely will be learning mistakes and it is really hard to fix mistakes. I read some manga and Kubo and Oda are two artists I love and if you look at their beginning work, it is almost flat out horrible to where they are now. There are small nuances to other people's work and you want to be careful what you copy. The only thing you can copy are the masters (Da Vinci, other Renaissance masters). Here is a website describing what Da Vinci did for practice which I recommend everyone to check out, but if you are a very beginner, I recommend checking out the book I recommended first. Practice, practice, practice. Try to draw something once a day, even if it is just a stick figure.

(3) Drawing from imagination is very, very, hard. In the beginning a lot of your manga/cartoon/stylized work will look so stiff and maybe not so fun to look at. That will be because of basics and experience. Life drawing will be what corrects this. Look into that after you got the basics. Backgrounds and landscapes are usually another set of classes/studies so check those out after as well.

Other than that, those are my tips. I want to be clear to you, and any other beginner, that I beat myself up when looking at my earlier and current drawings. Drawing can be a challenge because you need to know when to look past your mistakes and look at the tiny improvements. This is a sentiment shared with a lot of artists so do not think you are alone. Do not give up. If it is becoming stressful it is so great to take a step back, work on another project, or just take a week off. I find this to be the challenging part of drawing.

Any other questions? I will try to answer to the best of my abilities.

u/caesarfecit · 28 pointsr/seduction
u/1nfiniterealities · 28 pointsr/socialwork

Texts and Reference Books

Days in the Lives of Social Workers


Child Development, Third Edition: A Practitioner's Guide

Racial and Ethnic Groups

Social Work Documentation: A Guide to Strengthening Your Case Recording

Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond

[Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life]

Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model

[The Clinical Assessment Workbook: Balancing Strengths and Differential Diagnosis]

Helping Abused and Traumatized Children

Essential Research Methods for Social Work

Navigating Human Service Organizations

Privilege: A Reader

Play Therapy with Children in Crisis

The Color of Hope: People of Color Mental Health Narratives

The School Counseling and School Social Work Treatment Planner

Streets of Hope : The Fall and Rise of an Urban Neighborhood

Deviant Behavior

Social Work with Older Adults

The Aging Networks: A Guide to Programs and Services

[Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice]

Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy

Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change

Ethnicity and Family Therapy

Human Behavior in the Social Environment: Perspectives on Development and the Life Course

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Generalist Social Work Practice: An Empowering Approach

Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents

DBT Skills Manual

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets

Social Welfare: A History of the American Response to Need


[A People’s History of the United States]

The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Tuesdays with Morrie

The Death Class <- This one is based off of a course I took at my undergrad university

The Quiet Room

Girl, Interrupted

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Flowers for Algernon

Of Mice and Men

A Child Called It

Go Ask Alice

Under the Udala Trees

Prozac Nation

It's Kind of a Funny Story

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Yellow Wallpaper

The Bell Jar

The Outsiders

To Kill a Mockingbird

u/Haoleopteryx · 28 pointsr/malefashionadvice

Yesterday I ended up un the negatives for saying fedoras are bad.

Come on MFA, we're crossing into self-parody territory here.

Also reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up and purging things big time. I've always been drawn toward minimalism but actually getting there is surprisingly emotional. I'm way down in numbers clothing so far and my closet has gone from rows and rows of stuff to like five coathangers.

u/cjt09 · 27 pointsr/TheMotte

I'd strongly suggest picking up a copy of Models for your buddy. The book tends to be honest, insightful, and offer lots of actionable advice for building a romantic connection.

u/vbfronkis · 27 pointsr/AskMen

Read a book called "Stop walking on eggshells." It's great for dealing with narcissistic, borderline personality disorder people.
My ex is very similar. You need to keep communication to a bare minimum and close-ended. No open ended questions. Yes or No answer questions only.

Do. Not. Give. Her. Power.

Getting a rise out of you is exactly the type of emotional game she likes to play, plain and simple. As much as you want to scream back at her, when she is completely irrational and off the hook, do NOT respond in anything BUT a calm and composed manner. Take it out on the heavy bag later. Do NOT show her ANY emotion. EVER.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find an energy outlet. I play tennis twice a week and run. I find myself a lot more balanced when I have worked out. Also, live YOUR life. Do not cater to her, do not come running when she needs something. Live your life and get on with it. Yes, you need to deal with this person for quite some time, but it doesn't mean that she has to hold control of your life now that you're divorced.

u/Cest_la_Fille · 27 pointsr/sexover30

You have a very special wife. She's admitted to you that she has a lower drive than you but she is still right there with you, having, and enjoying, sex 3-5 times a week. Never take that for granted. I know it's fantastic to feel desired and wanted by a partner that can't wait to tear your clothes off and throw you on the bed, but that's just not what some people do. The fact that after all these years your wife is still an active and enthusiastic participant in your sex life is her showing you how much she wants and desires you.

I think you might both benefit from reading Come as You Are, which explains Responsive Desire. It's not a reflection on you at all, it's just the way some people work sexually, and there's nothing wrong with it. Knowing what it is, and how it works can make a world of difference.

u/onlineSnacktivist · 27 pointsr/IWantToLearn

I've found that purposefully building a habit is what keeps practice going. Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit has all the information you need to learn how to do that, but I'll try to summarise it there:

  • Find a cue for the beginning of your routine (example: if I finish having dinner, then I practice)
  • Streamline your practice so that it can be mostly a routine you can engage easily and almost mindlessly in
  • Reward yourself for engaging in the routine
  • Keep track of your progress

    I am definitely forgetting some steps, forgive me. . . But the book I referred to definitely has the answer you're looking for.
u/indiana_jones_hat · 27 pointsr/videos

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is a great read, for anyone interested.

u/bserum · 27 pointsr/AskLosAngeles

Hey OP, if you username wasn’t a flag on its own, your post history certainly is. Given that you were recently asking about guns, I don’t think it’s wise for strangers to be opening their homes to you.

As someone who has struggled from extreme depression, I have some idea of the pain you are feeling. Before you make any big decisions, I need you to pick up a copy of Feeling Good by David Burns. It’s free with a library card in the LA Public Library system. Get the Libby app and have it the audiobook read to you on your phone.

That book uses a principle known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it’s effective and fast-acting.

Do your parents know you’re suicidal?

u/LarperPro · 26 pointsr/psychology

Is this /r/psychology or /r/clickbait?

The surprising truths are:

  • women whose partners engage in cunnilingus are more sexually satisfied.

  • Men actually do want to eat pussy but women think they don't want to or it's "abnormal".

  • media negatively affects our sex life by portraying sex incorrectly.

    I can't recommend She Comes First enough, a book about why cunnilingus is the ultimate activity for helping women achieve orgasm.
u/ready-ignite · 26 pointsr/PewdiepieSubmissions

That hard yank on the emotions drives urgency. Too hard a yank is 9 times out of 10 your clue of a financial scheme.

Recommended reading, "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion"

u/laere · 26 pointsr/TheRedPill

What Every BODY Is Saying

Read this book and other body language books.

When you walk, walk with your shoulders.

Take up as much space as possible while sitting or standing.

Hands on your hips (power pose).

I avoid things like crossing my arms, hands in my pockets, and never ever have your head hanging low, or looking at the ground. Always keep your chin up slightly, never break eye contact first, etc.

These things alone have had customers at work assume I was the boss there. It's like magic.

EDIT: Also when talking, speak slowly, with calmness, and use a deep voice. Don't be afraid to pause before speaking as taking a couple seconds to contemplate on what to say is natural.

u/sunshinewcoffee · 26 pointsr/RandomKindness

I’d really like this workbook focused on people with borderline personality disorder. It’s a recent diagnosis I’ve been struggling with and would like to be able to work on creating healthier skills outside of therapy. What a great thing to offer people! link to book

u/thisguy1210 · 26 pointsr/LifeProTips

Attached is a pretty good read, and comes from a credible source - it's also geared towards the anxious types (since they're more likely to read it).

u/dainafrances · 26 pointsr/OkCupid

I can absolutely 100% relate. My pattern was always hot and heavy for 1-2months max, and then they’d have some sort of epiphany that they actually weren’t as into me as they thought they were. I never understood it until I learned about attachment theory... and damn, did that explain a LOT. If you’re interested, this book made a huge difference for me.

u/Nomandate · 26 pointsr/Impeach_Trump

They did a take on it in the 1980's twilight zone movie too. And yes, this "walking on eggshells" you see is well known among families living with a malignant narcissist. It's a great example, if extreme, to relate to the daily stress and terror people (children, wives, husbands) feel EVERY DAY. It's the same dysfunction you can see signs of in the White House (keeping him from negative news, giving him his "quiet time." Etc...)


This applies well to other cluster B types such as NPD.

u/Criticalthinking346 · 26 pointsr/Marriage

You should also read come as you are

Your statements seem more shaming her for having responsive sexual arousal when in fact75% of women do. So it sounds like your shaming her by saying her natural type is wrong because it’s not like the mostly male spontaneous type.

u/bbcakes413 · 26 pointsr/Brogress

Most, not all, of these other responses are more in line with "why" quit gaming or how to balance it, but your question is HOW did I quit.

So here's the framework, then following that are my personal steps.

Framework 1: If you remove 5 hours of gaming, you don't have to replace it with 5 hours of super productive life habits. I removed 5-6 hours of gaming a day but it enabled me to add 1-2 hours of health/fitness, and some time to eat better, then I slept an hour earlier, etc., but I still dicked around and did useless shit for 2-3 hours of that 5 hours of previous gaming time. It doesn't have to be 1:1 bad habit removal to amazing habit add in. I still sit on Twitch and zone out for an hour or two here and there while I browse the internet, but it's easy to put it down and go to the gym or not wait until I'm starving to eat, which makes it easier to eat better.

Framework 2: Identify your level of addiction. Mine is a proper addiction. I think I can reinstall and play within reason today...for a week...a month...6 months...but at SOME point I fall off the wagon and to the bottom of the well. So I have to legit just straight up accept that I don't have the discipline to play in moderation like other people.

Framework 3: With any habit you have to analyze what it is rooted in. In my gaming habit it was a few things:

  1. Anxiety/stress coping. If I go nuts on a 5 hour Path of Exile binge, my brain literally can't process the work worries I have, worrying about the girl I'm dating and the details of that, planning my financials and freaking out about student loans, etc. You get the point. It literally overloaded my mind so that I couldn't relate to anything and then I'd play til exhaustion and pass out. Rinse repeat. Obviously bad sleep. Bad sleep means bad performance at work. Obviously a lack of self-respect because I wasn't in control of my life and was behaving with such avoidance behavior that I was under an avalanche of life.

  2. Social community. This one isn't inherently bad but gaming was a way for me to hang and shoot the shit with friends in discord while we played games. Not all the roots of a habit are/have to be bad, BUT in order to replace the habit you have to replace the roots.

  3. Quantifiable progress. Leveling up, gearing up, ranking up, all rewarded my left brain tendencies for progress and order.

  4. Just fun. Straight up.

    So here's what I did...

  5. I identified the games that I was most likely to binge. MMOs, endless dungeon crawlers, competitive games. One by one I deleted my accounts and uninstalled. I only was left with games that I could play in bursts for 30-45-60-90 mins at a time (vs. like 4-5-6 hour binges). I would pop on, play a bit, get bored and close them. Or single player games with finite playability I would beat and stop installing new ones. Eventually uninstalled Stream and the like (I'm a PC gamer, the equivalent would be selling your console).

  6. I had to make it a point to socialize with friends more, even just a beer after work or something to replace #2 above. And still talk to those gaming friends but only as long as they respected my desire to stop gaming soon.

  7. Start going to the gym to address #1 from the framework section above. It really does help with anxiety and stress. It's two steps forward and one back though - you feel great and mentally healthy, then you HAVE to address the shit that was causing you to dive into unhealthy gaming habits to start with..."oh shit my girl sucks and I need to address that"...."oh shit, let me look my student loans in the eyes and address that"....etc. But it's progress and only gets easier.

  8. I made a ridiculous Excel spreadsheet for framework #3 above. Weight, rolling 7 day average, mood, sleep tracker, resting heart rate, reading, gaming, even porn, drinking, anything I wanted to be more aware of. In tracking those things I could start managing them and in managing them I got the dopamine reward of leveling up, kill streaks, ranking up, etc.

  9. Naturally you will be more confident as you do this - naturally you will seek fun, you will be more comfortable to find other sources of fun. I had wanted to go rock climbing for YEARS. I did it for the first time two weeks ago. It was the most fun I've had in ages.

    On my spreadsheet I have had days where I ate like shit or drank or missed days in a row of the gym. Far from perfect. My reading habit hasn't taken hold like I wanted it to. But I'm fucking HAPPIER. And you know what column is PERFECT in my spreadsheet? The gaming one. That's my keystone habit. That's my FIRST domino. Find yours and make incremental, deliberate changes.

    Message me if you wanna chat, I got your back.

    PS: Read this:
u/flakingnapstich · 25 pointsr/offbeat
u/oberynmagwitch · 24 pointsr/sexover30

It shouldn’t all be on you, he needs to be an active participant as well. I only provide suggestions for you because you can control your own actions.

I’m currently reading Come As You Are. It’s pretty popular lately, and might be an interesting read for you both.

u/GenesystemIsDown · 24 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

There's two components to this.

One, realize if you land in a relationship you won't magically get happy. No one thing in life makes everything better. Life is complex and misery comes from a lot of sources. If you're miserable outside of a relationship there's a good chance you'll be even more miserable in one. Also, you now have less time and money. To really understand misery and getting over I'd recommend Feeling Good and The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.

The second part, let's say you really do want success with women. Or at least to try it out. You're probably unskilled. That's it. You aren't a loser. You aren't a failure. You're just unskilled. Think about it like this. We all have to work to eat and survive. There are dozens of strategies for job hunting, but I've never heard anyone exclaim, "ah, don't worry about it. Just be confident and you'll land your dream job one day". You think about the type of career you want, think about how to build a presentable resume, create a strategy to get the experience you need. Plenty of steps and strategy. Same with seduction. For this I'd recommend Models and asking around /r/seduction. There's a lot of different strategies out there (a lot of terrible along with good) and figuring out what works for you, but the important thing is just realizing it's a learned skill. It isn't fate woven by gods from the beginning.

u/CossRooper · 24 pointsr/todayilearned

Actually, I think you've got it a bit mixed up. Soldiers in Korea and WW2 statistically were pretty likely to fire over the enemies' head. The military remedied this by making rifle training in later wars training in firing your weapon as a quick reflex rather than solely an exercise in accuracy and discernment.

At least that's how it was explained to me by a professor, who cited Dave Grossman's 'On Killing', which I haven't read yet. However, the description seems to agree:

Drawing on interviews, published personal accounts and academic studies, Grossman investigates the psychology of killing in combat. Stressing that human beings have a powerful, innate resistance to the taking of life, he examines the techniques developed by the military to overcome that aversion. His provocative study focuses in particular on the Vietnam war, revealing how the American soldier was "enabled to kill to a far greater degree than any other soldier in history." Grossman argues that the breakdown of American society, combined with the pervasive violence in the media and interactive video games, is conditioning our children to kill in a manner similar to the army's conditioning of soldiers: "We are reaching that stage of desensitization at which the infliction of pain and suffering has become a source of entertainment: vicarious pleasure rather than revulsion. We are learning to kill, and we are learning to like it." Grossman, a professor of military science at Arkansas State University, has written a study of relevance to a society of escalating violence.

That section on Video games makes my stomach turn, but I can't judge til I've read it.

u/TotallyNotIT · 24 pointsr/sysadmin

This is a dumpster fire.

This isn't your job's fault, it's yours. Accept it because it means you get to choose where to go from here. It doesn't feel like it now but you do decide your reactions to what happens around you.

Learn to stop giving a fuck. In fact, I recommend the book. Given your work history, I'm going to bet you don't delegate, it seems to be a common issue among former sysadmins and engineers.

Make use of all resources you have available to you, both personal and professional. MAKE time to go to the gym. If some low priority shit doesn't get done at work, oh well. I'd also recommend another book to help augment your current habits, The Willpower Instinct.

You are in control, you get to decide what bothers you. Take control of your life and your happiness. Get in better shape, play with your kids. Pick up a new hobby. Whatever you have to do but don't give up control of your life to a fucking job.

u/cartoon_soldier · 24 pointsr/india

The problem is in India introverts are shamed by teachers, by parents, by society. There is Nothing wrong with being an introvert

In fact read this book -

I am also an introvert, have always been one. And I love it.

u/kecupochren · 24 pointsr/getdisciplined

Dude, you gotta get this book -

It's life changing. Yeah that may be a strong word but you're on the right track to fully appreciate it. It will fill in the gaps about what you know about habits and discipline.

u/lilkuniklo · 24 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

Firstly - and I don't mean this in a mean way - you were a fool to think that anyone would change for you because they loved you. It's usually best policy to believe the opposite, that if they already have bad habits, that they will only become more entrenched in them as time passes. People who change for others are the exception, not the rule.

Now about the dipping. You are making this more complicated than it has to be. Either his addiction is a dealbreaker and you leave, or it isn't, and you live with it. You cannot control what other people choose to do with their own bodies. The only thing you CAN control is your own reaction to them.

Now, speaking as someone who smoked for 12 years and quit, don't listen to the bullshit about coddling "addicts." Yes, nicotine qualifies as a type of substance abuse, but it's easy as pie to quit IF you put your mind to it. This isn't like detoxing from alcohol (which can kill you if aren't in a medical environment). People who can't quit nicotine are lacking in mental fortitude. Is that a quality of someone that you want to continue to build your life with?

BTW, Aaron Carr's book was an invaluable quitting tool. It would be worth a read for you too to help you understand the illogical mentality of nicotine addicts. This book worked better than any combination of patches, gum, and lozenges. Read the reviews and believe the hype.

Oh, and my hospital recently included ear accupuncture as part of their nicotine cessation program. It's supported by our addiction physicians so that means it's not all hooey. Might be worth looking into if your SO is open to it.

u/op_249 · 23 pointsr/PublicFreakout

I would also recommend a copy of the gift of fear

u/Tzipity · 23 pointsr/sex

I loved Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are

Really, in depth and it's only been out about a year so very up to date (you'd be surprised how much still isn't known!) And just a lot of stuff you don't hear in sex ed or even in typical sex books. It covers just about everything you mentioned and a lot more. I even was able to rent the eBook from my library but I loved it so much I bought it.

u/aradthrowawayacct · 23 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> but soon it went the way of her repeating all the things I've done wrong and how shitty I treated her.

If you're so shitty why hasn't she left you yet? It's a valid question.

I agree with u/Toodark2read that you need marriage counseling - maybe a different counselor - a neutral 3rd party so your efforts don't keep ending up as a weekly dump session for your wife.

The counselor you are currently seeing may not be a good fit for both of you.

The incident with her smashing the bowl is concerning. You have listened to her and her needs for a couple of weeks now. Why are you not able to share any thoughts without her escalating into violence?

> How can I have a functioning marriage when I'm walking on eggshells not knowing when she'll blow up?

Get yourself a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder regardless of whether she has a Dx for those or not, because the situation is pretty much the same - you're going out of your to avoid upsetting her, and her reaction is not proportional to the actual situation.

u/missprecocious · 23 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

Talk to him face to face about how you feel. Be specific about when you feel angry or hurt. If he doesn't take you seriously, move on to someone who respects the kind of relationship cues you need to thrive. You should feel secure and safe in your relationship, not angry and abandoned. He may not need as much reassurance or attention, and doesn't understand where you are coming from. Talk about it! Share your needs with him.

I also recommend the book "Attached." It's a quick read and very enlightening.

u/MellorineMoments · 23 pointsr/Codependency

\> I know they say you have to be okay on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship- but it seems like a tall order if you have no support. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.

I used to believe that you have to be okay on your own, but now I disagree with statement. Based off of my personal experience and information knowledge of trauma and attachment, I've revised my belief: Even if we don't need one (1) human to be our other half, we need the right social circle and the access to the right resources to have a solid foundation in order to have the skills, motivation, and support make progress toward their goals, feel secure, and be happy.

While I'm not a professional psychologist, what's working for me is trying to be vulnerable but being careful about who I do it with. There needs to be some thought about who I share it with, like what am I trying to do by sharing it with *this* specific person. Am I feeling some inner pain that I believe this person can ease? Am I sharing an experience that I think they will understand? If they don't understand, am I sharing this because I still trust them and I want to bond with them?

I believe healthy relationships is a balance of *relying* (as opposed to needing) on the *appropriate* people depending on the situation (as opposed to relying on the same person for every situation). Sometimes we will take risks and be let down. Over time by doing so, you refine your radar to know who is the best person for a feeling, situation, or experience.

Wishing the best in your healing.

u/CognitiveExplorer · 23 pointsr/seduction

Just wait until you read more and more on it and spend tons of time watching people. It gets pretty awesome what you can see. It also becomes a game you can play with girls. In addition, you can see things that even they don't realize is happening and this makes for great playful teasing.

I would also suggest adding "what everyBODY is saying". It is a great book written by a former CIA operative who needed to be amazing in order to survive.

Edited to reflect correct title name and include amazon link.

u/RileyFenn · 23 pointsr/facepalm

>My paper has nothing to do with section 8 or chapter 8.

That's good. Please don't try to claim to know about either.

>PTSD is heavily linked to batshit crazy. But I do know the difference.

No. No. It's not. PTSD is the human psyche's response to an unnatural situation. It's a coping mechanism. It is 180* from batshit crazy. Please - if you are going to write this paper? Get some good sources... On Killing is a good place to start and then you can google your local county's vet rep (usually unemployment offices in the county will have one) and then? Get you head out of you ass.

>No, I have not "served", but I have enlisted. So officially, I am in the military. Or air force, if you will.

OMG. PLEASE go tell someone serving that you made it through MEPS so you're in the military. Please tell someone from another branch - or shit - go talk to another recruiter from another branch - and tell them you're "in the military" because you processed for the Air Force.

You do know that untill you're at basic that there isn't anything anyone can do to you, right? You may be a DEP but that is just a piece of paper and a promise to your recruiter. No one is going to show up if you don't go into your little admin job for the Air Force in a couple of months.... but - good on ya! I'm so proud that some little college kid thinks he's special because he signed a piece of paper and now he's "in the military." LOL

>My paper will have nothing to do with my experience.

That's good. Because you don't have any but apparently you think that anyone with PTSD is batshit crazy? Hmmm... are you a little biased? Wow. You will have some fun with your Top 3.

>Its solely based on my research and veterans testimony's.

"veteran testimony" is what you meant to type. You need to read some real world resources and not think PTSD is a mental disease. It's a normal response to an abnormal situation. Until you understand that? I can't help you

Thanks for thinking you're in the military and you can "speak for us".... SMH....

u/ThrowawayPUA · 23 pointsr/seduction
u/Lilyintheshadows · 23 pointsr/pics

Also known as invoking the law of reciprocity. When someone gives you something you feel compelled to return the favor. Also the cause for streetside advocates (clipboard protesters, hare krishnas) handing you stickers or flowers, or why you get those free return address stickers for your mail when they want you to buy household office supplies.
Cialdini's book is fantastic if you like this stuff:

u/graz2342 · 22 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking up in a group of people is hard unless you are comfortable with them and I don't believe that is the reason you struggle to develop relationships. Sure, if you're confident and witty, then it's a foot in the door, allowing you to start developing a relationship - if you are always on the edge of things then it becomes more difficult.

I was always on the edge of things in high school. I would sometimes try and insert a comment but it would be forced because I was desperately trying to get myself noticed. When you are in that frame of mind, you aren't relaxed and it becomes far harder to contribute to the conversation.

I used to think this was a fundamental flaw of mine until I got to university and developed a group of friends that actually valued me. I felt relaxed around them and my personality started to come through more.

There are a couple of books that I've read that have really clicked with me. You sound a lot like me, so I think they will help.

u/notoneofyourfans · 22 pointsr/sex

I don't think anyone is saying dump the person over sex right then and there. This is a woman who has had a serious discussion about her dissatisfaction over the sex and her partner's inability (or rather unwillingness) to change anything. He could go buy a book like She Comes First and learn some techniques that will help his woman have an orgasm before he even gets inside her. He could slow down and ask her what she needs to get more aroused if for some reason he can't teach himself to go longer than two minutes. He could learn how to kegel to hold back his ejaculation if he mistakenly goes too far too fast. He could wait a few minutes or perform oral or heavy petting and get another erection (unless he is a one and done type guy) and use THAT one on her. But despite her complaints, he has done nothing except say, "Don't hate the player, hate the game." That is selfish. And while it is only selfish in one area of their life together, who wants to be told, "Oh yeah, no more orgasms for you for the rest of your life." I don't care if you are 70; that is a hard sentence in a cold prison.

u/reddit8421 · 22 pointsr/Empaths

I don’t equate extroversion with confidence.

Quiet by Susan Cain explains our culture’s overvaluing of extroversion.

I’m introverted and FIERCE.

u/the_termites · 22 pointsr/gaming

It's really just training overall. I have never shot an enemy at close range, but I did listen to one of my friends describe it. We had been doing glass houses over and over and over and over. He went in a room with a team, shot a guy in the face, the team leader called the room clear, and they made it through the rest of the building before he said it really hit him that he had just shot someone else at point blank. Everything else was primal instinct combined with muscle memory.

Fascinating read on this topic.

EDIT: glass houses are a way to train clearing buildings room by room.

u/freedomfilm · 22 pointsr/AskReddit

You are being socially programmed to not make a fuss, cause trouble, or affect his family/job... All to the detriment of your own job and safety.

You asked him to stop, and you can leave it at that, but if he does one more inappropriate thing:

Call the police, tell your boss, and end it...

Also, read the book "The gift of fear". Don't be "polite" or nice when you KNOW everything he is doing is WRONG. Trust your gut and instincts, it could save your life, or someone else's.

And a little Oprah for fun. LOL.

No, I'm not shilling the book or associated with the author/publisher. OP just basically outlined EVERYTHING the book says...

And those strategies are used by predators to rape 75 women every hour in the USA.

u/smo0f · 22 pointsr/confession

I've read most of your comments here and you sound exactly like the guys that get posted about in /r/niceguys. You seem entitled, shallow, and delusional, and you don't have much self awareness. The good news is that you're very young, and a lot of people didn't like who they were in high school and ended up 'blossoming' after high school, whether in college or work.

You need to think about this: if the majority of people, specifically girls, keep treating you and interacting with you a certain way repeatedly, there's got to be a reason for that, and it's most likely not them - it's you. YOU need to change. If you're overweight or too skinny, hit the gym. Not only will you look better, but you'll feel better about yourself, and you seem to need that because you don't sound too confident or sure of yourself.

You also need to be honest with yourself and truly analyze yourself and be vulnerable to identify what your personality traits are, which are good, and which need addressing. The end result of this is that you will be sure of yourself and be accepting of situations and not have a reason to make sad and pathetic posts like this (this is not an insult - but if you don't think this post is pathetic then it stresses my point about confidence and self awareness).

You need to get this book: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty. Even though the title of the book mentions attracting women, the main context is about what I mentioned above: being honest (with others and yourself) and being confident, and the process you need to go through to achieve that.

Lastly, you should save a copy of this post you made somewhere. Read it once every few months. When you finally read it and cringe really really hard after then you're starting to make some progress. Good luck.

u/ceebee6 · 22 pointsr/sex

Also check out Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's a really good look into female sexuality and deals with the exact issues you're describing.

u/girls_withguns · 22 pointsr/offmychest

There are TONS of people who struggle with it. It's disappointing that she wasn't more understanding. I HIGHLY recommend, as a very first and cost effective step, reading Marie Kondo's book . It discusses the psychology and importance of a clean and tidy space. Her Netflix series is really great, but doesn't conquer the same issues as her book.

This book discusses the importance of a clean sink and the impact it has on everything else in your space! Good luck!!

u/Salanmander · 22 pointsr/Unexpected

I used to think that too, but don't give up on yourself! I would certainly believe that art comes easier to some people than others, but you can learn to draw better. I recommend the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, which has really excellent exercises aimed at people who have always considered themselves bad at art, interspersed with pop neuroscience that you should mostly ignore.

I've thought of myself as incapable of drawing well, and went through it a few years ago. This is me drawing without a reference beforehand, this is me drawing my own hand beforehand, and this is me drawing my own hand after a couple months of practice.

u/_sarcasm_orgasm · 21 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.

I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.

On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.

Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.

Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you

Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable

u/HubbleSaurusRex · 21 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

There's a great book that addresses this. It's called Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. It strongly urges people to date others who have a similar level of desire for and comfort with closeness, and goes into the biological drivers for why closeness feels so life-and-death important. Failing that, it gives practical tips for how to make your relationship less anxiety-provoking if your partner is avoiding closeness. Per the book, if your partner is prone to avoiding closeness, that tendency isn't likely to change. The communication tips these trolls are sharing here are gold. I'm trying my hand for the first time at a relationship with someone who also enjoys a lot of closeness and it is the bees knees. Near zero relationship anxiety for 4 months.

u/nyxmori · 21 pointsr/learnart

IMO, the best way to start drawing is with a pad of unlined paper and mechanical pencil.

But if you want software: GIMP is free (yay), Photoshop is the well-known standard (and these videos are good), PaintToolSai feels more natural to draw with, and I just started using Mischief (which has a natural drawing feel, infinite canvas, and vector-based). My recommendation is Sai, since it's cheap, easy, and fun to use.

To learn how to draw people, start working through the Loomis books, beginning with Fun with a Pencil. A classic for learning how to 'see' like an artist is Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. And when you start to feel frustrated with your work, turn to Art & Fear and Daring Greatly.

Let me know if you have any questions, and good luck with your art journey :)

u/esenozbay · 21 pointsr/sex

Hey! I looked through the comments and did not see any suggestions to help with your situation. Here's my suggestion:

I recommend the book "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski, where the concepts of SES and SIS (Sexual Excitation System and Sexual Inhibition System) are explained, as well as some ways to deal with a sensitive SES, which you seem to have.

Also, check out this link, where you can fill out an inventory to learn about your SES and SIS.

I don't have your problem, but your situation was mentioned in the book and it sounds exactly like you. I'm hoping that these resources will be very helpful for you!

u/BaylisAscaris · 21 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

It's possible he doesn't realize his behavior is inappropriate because of either some sort of mental disorder or a weird childhood, and it's also possible he realizes what a creeper he is being, but it doesn't matter. Educating him isn't your job. Your job is to keep yourself safe. If that means ignoring him, cool, if that means contacting the police, cool, if that means explaining to him how inappropriate he was and establishing clear boundaries, cool. It's up to you. Trust your judgement.

I dealt with a lot of guys like this over the years, and my default mode was to try not to make a fuss, and that got me stalked and sexually assaulted. My mode now is to establish clear, firm boundaries from the beginning. As soon as someone does something that isn't cool, I point it out. "You're not allowed to grab my ass. If you do it again, I'm telling a bouncer and not talking to you anymore." or "I want you to stop contacting me. I'm not interested in dating or being friends with you. If you try to come by or break in again I'm calling the police."

Unfortunately, being firm and putting up boundaries can incite violence and make the situation temporarily worse. Remember, you have a right to live harassment free, and you have done nothing wrong. He is being inappropriate. Check out The Gift of Fear.

u/YesIStick · 20 pointsr/seduction

Dude, I love you asking about books!

Codependent No More

No More Mr. Nice Guy -I was raised by a very Beta father, and influences significantly by feminism over my education through teachers and friends’ parents. These two books helped break that and accept it is okay to be a fucking male and make your own way in this society.

•The 3rd is not a book but a podcast: The MFCEO Project also available on SoundCloud, and stitcher. I linked episode 107 because it greatly influenced how I structure my approach for life. I also highly recommend episode 141, the battleground mentality, it also helps address approaching society and how we make excuses.

Way of the Wolf - teaches business principals with a tried and true system. It isn’t for everyone but Straight Line selling is a very powerful tool.

Discipline Equals Freedom -This wasn’t as influential for me as I had already placed the development tools it teaches into place, but for anyone starting off on their self development journey I highly recommend it.

u/Poor_Mexican · 20 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.

u/PhilippeCoudoux · 20 pointsr/getdisciplined

Not sure about MBCT but a good book on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy: an older version: is
That’s a great read! Not only it explains what you are going through but reading or listening to the audiobook has been studied and proven to help AS therapy!

I highly recommend it.

Good job being aware of your challenges!

Good job noticing your patterns!

Good job admitting your thoughts!

I feel like you are already quite powerfully advancing toward a strongly useful wisdom.

Practice is simple yet difficult as you already pointed out.

Yet that’s the way: keep moving forward with it.

Finally keep in mind that sometimes this could be attributed to a high personality trait of neuroticism. There is s positive and negative about it.

One positive part of it is that you are more inclined to be able to care for children or relate to people in need.

Good luck!

u/todayonbloopers · 19 pointsr/AskWomen

Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, a popular CBT book that is useful for a variety of problems. if you're in a rough spot financially, it's an older one so should be easy to find in libraries and other ways

not a book but very helpful, Wait But Why's breakdown of procrastination. if you like this post you'll also love the TED talk.

if you're a person who struggles with being attracted (to an unhealthy degree) to men that never return your interest, especially in the context of an abusive past or co-dependence, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

u/ladycrappo · 19 pointsr/science

The ladycrappo 7-Step Dealing With Depression Plan
Brought to you by a chick who's been hospitalized for major depression on four separate occasions and is now living a relatively stable normal life

  1. Exercise, exercise, exercise. This may be the last thing you feel like doing, but it's one of the cheapest, safest, most effective ways to boost your mood. Don't feel you have to go to a gym if the ambiance creeps you out; ride a bike, get out in the sunshine, whatever works for you.

  2. Eat well. Shitty diets make you feel shitty physically and mentally. Depressed people tend to have trouble with eating either too much or too little, and with eating crappy stuff in general that wrecks your blood sugar and makes you lethargic. You don't need that. Make a good healthy diet a priority: fruits and veggies, whole grains, lean protein, unsaturated fats, you know the drill.

  3. Get your sleep schedule sorted out. Don't let yourself sleep too much because you don't want to face life; it just makes you more listless. If you're having trouble sleeping enough, force yourself to get on a more regular schedule. Sleep is fundamental to good mental health.

  4. Shower every day. Keep up with personal hygiene, even when you feel like a hideous human turdball. A clean turdball can feel slightly better about itself than a dirty turdball, and whatever bit of dignity and self-worth you can reclaim for yourself is really important.

  5. Do stuff. You won't want to, you really won't want to, but do it anyways. Answer your phone, get out of the house, go out to eat or see a movie-- do normal people stuff despite your profound sense of abnormality. This serves to keep you feeling like a member of the human race, keep you connected with the people in your life who are your support system, and also just to distract you from the ugly world inside your head.

  6. Read up on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is focused on concrete strategies of altering your thinking and behavior. Pick up a copy of Feeling Good and give it's recommendations a serious try.

  7. Do what it takes to get out of your own head. Depression turns you in on yourself, blots out the larger world, traps you in the darker aspects of your own thinking. It's a particularly dark and dangerous sort of self-absorption. Do things that force you to empathize with other people, in other places: do some volunteer work, spend time with loved ones, read about people in unfortunate circumstances who maintain a core of dignity (e.g., What is the What).
u/ttrraaffiicc · 19 pointsr/hiphopheads

Fair warning: this is only vaguely related

He discusses being very introverted, and that is definitely something I can personally identify with. If anyone out there struggles with being introverted -- or rather, how people perceive introverts, I cannot recommend this book enough. The author doesn't tell you how or why to be more extroverted, or that you should be...but instead she discusses the pro's of being introverted, and how to deal with the cons. There's really nothing wrong with keeping to yourself, even though society is constantly telling us (for some reason) that the opposite is something to be constantly championed.

u/Bockon · 19 pointsr/PublicFreakout

The reality is that most humans do not want to seriously harm other humans. If you learn to throw an effective punch it absolutely could result in a serious or fatal injury. And when it comes to harming and killing a person, the physical distance from the target is a huge factor. Killing someone in hand to hand combat or from a very close distance is sometimes referred to as "sexual range" and is the most traumatic to the person doing the killing. Thus the reason PTSD is less frequent in soldiers that were snipers or that participated in carpet bombing.

Edit: This book is a good place to learn more about this topic.

u/TheManualIsWrong · 19 pointsr/politics

A higher price can in fact spur higher demand. For example, when (average) consumers have no other information to differentiate product quality they can conflate price with quality - it costs more so it must be more valuable. IIRC this is mentioned in Cialdini's book Influence. He mentions a jeweller who had trouble moving some jewellery. He put them on sale and nothing happened, but when he raised the price they flew off the shelves.

u/ChaoticG00d · 19 pointsr/getdisciplined

A fantastic book that everyone should read: Feeling Good (the new mood therapy) by David Burns M.D. is all about this subject. It talks about bibliotherapy, therapy through reading self-help books, and cognitive practice, essentially, you are what you think.

If you can figure out your thoughts, and figure out why you're having these thoughts, you can work to change these thinking habits. Meditation is the authoritative tool for this in general, but the book has exercises and scientifically backed practices that have been proven to be just as if not more effective than drugs, and longer lasting. Check it out, it's worth your time.

u/exposeyourself2art · 19 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

First off, I think the childhood molestation hit you harder than you know. You don't seem to understand acceptable boundaries when it comes to sexual partners (don't spend time with anyone who doesn't respect the word no). Nor do you feel comfortable enough following your instinct in leaving a situation you don't want to be in. You're less likely to get into these sorts of situations if you get some therapy or read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

> 1) I tell him I don't want to have sex. I say I don't want to. He puts on the condom and says he'll just stick the tip in. I cry while he's fucking me

What kind of sick fuck gets turned on by a woman crying because he's having sex with her? This was definitely rape. You don't need to be screaming and running away. His response to you telling him no twice was to reach for a condom? WTF?

> 2) I find myself saying yes. I pretend to come because I want to go home. I say I need to take a break, and he leans against me, then falls asleep. Okay, I say, and start giving him a blow job. After awhile, he says, can I put it in? I say okay. Pretty sure he could tell I wasn't really into the sex.

This is not rape, just bad sex. You verbally agreed whenever he asked. He had no way of knowing you didn't want sex, other than not really being into it.

> 3) In the morning he wants to have sex again, but I tell him I'm a bit sore and don't want to. I still say I don't want to. He sticks it in anyway. I say no, I'm too sore, I'm really not used to this. But he sticks it in anyway.

Unless this is some pre-arranged rape fantasy sex in which you have a safe word that is not "no," then this is also rape.

u/PurePerfection_ · 19 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

I wouldn't call a gut feeling dumb luck. A bad gut feeling is often the reaction we have to behavioral red flags we pick up unconsciously. In this particular case, given that two officers had
the same reaction and no apparent motive to target this man, the kidnapper almost certainly acted in ways that subtly alarming.

Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" explains this well:

The first chapter is available online here:

u/W_O_M_B_A_T · 19 pointsr/relationship_advice

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A Glover.

Let me get this straight. You have a master's degree and you're making six figures.

Your girlfriend is an unemployed couch surfing parasitic leech with barely a high school education, who spends all her time on her hobby which she never earns any money or considers charging people. Then bitches at you constantly about how she thinks your job is a joke, and other passive-agressive abuse.

The issue is you tried to turn a hustler into a housewife.

She's hustling you. 100%. She doesn't respect you because she has no respect, and more importantly you don't respect yourself.

The issue is you're a doormat with no ability to set boundaries.

u/nipoez · 19 pointsr/ThreadKillers

Appreciate the hat tip to, /u/Lynx_Rufus.

Her posts covering Dr. Emily Nagoski's research are fantastic.

The book is wonderful as well. I'm not surprised it's the #1 best seller in its category.

u/inspiredshane · 19 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

Oh yeah, this has poor self-care written all over it. He’s repressing a lot of pent up shit to be more “Domly”, and the dynamic doesn’t lend itself well to a Dom that needs therapy, because therapy requires a level of vulnerability you can’t really access in that mental state. I’d suggest buying a DBT workbook

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

Or looking for free at some of the DBT practice at

It helps a lot with self-care practices involving very intense emotional reactions, and it’s cheaper than seeing a therapist. Plus, it can be tough finding the right therapist anyway.

I’m a Dom myself, and I can tell you that it works. The toxic shame is so draining, and he’d be much healthier and happier letting it go, because the deed has been done. There’s no “de-kinkifying” oneself. What gets us off is what gets us off. Good luck!

u/brzcory · 19 pointsr/badpeoplestories

Well, as you're in a poly relationship you should know that talking is priority 1. Go read "The Ethical Slut" again.

Communication between all parties should be EASY. If you have a problem, and you're afraid to bring it up, that's a huge red flag on larger problems.

Sit down, talk it out.

That being said, it's entirely possible he's just a super-stupid immature 29 year old. It's entirely possible he just wants to fuck her. She might just wanna fuck him. It happens. But that's stuff you find out when you TALK to your girlfriend.

You also have to sit down with yourself and really think: "Do I wanna be in a relationship with someone who would find someone that much older attractive?" Marley is old enough to make her own decisions, and to reap the consequences of them (even if that means you leave her).

But you gotta sit down and talk. For hours. With everyone. It's a poly relationship, you WILL spend more time talking than doing other stuff. That's just part of it.

Also, never forget the golden rule: Half your age plus seven. For a 29 year old, the lower line is 21, which makes 18 creepy.

u/lroosemusic · 19 pointsr/steroids

This book completely changed my understanding and approach to relationships. Read it following my divorce two years ago, and I've always had exactly as much female interaction in my life as I've wanted since then.

I cannot recommend it enough.

It brings clarity to everything, and you can use it to bang a non-stop train of sloots, or (as the book recommends) find the girl that's perfect for you long term. It's not about pick-up lines or games to trick girls into fucking you. It's about investing in yourself and communicating in a way that lets women see your true self, flaws and all.

It's a really easy read, and you'll find yourself with vision and perspective you never previously had.

Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty

u/idgelee · 18 pointsr/breakingmom

Get to therapy by yourself. Get your hands on a book called "stop walking on eggshells"

Don't lose yourself. Don't light yourself on fire to keep him warm. Don't buy into the insanity of his psychosis (whatever that is)

Keep your chin up!

Edited because phone typos while kids jumping on me.

u/floodblood · 18 pointsr/AskMen

Happy husband(28m) of a somewhat open relationship of 13 years here. Don't let all these negative comments scare you. The beautiful thing about your relationship is that it's yours, and you two(or more!) get to tailor it to whatever suits you.

What you're talking about is commonly described as a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" style of open relationship. While not impossible, it does seem to make it a bit harder for most to keep things civil. I can tell you from personal experience that when my wife and I started with this style of relationship, we weren't ready for the amount of communication that was required to make this work, and we faltered. Years later, we have the luxury of time and experience to guide us into what has become a great source of fun for us both, without all the drama we started with.

Before jumping in, I'd recommend grabbing a couple books on the subject. My favorite being The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

What you and your partner are talking of doing can be a very fun and rewarding experience! Just keep in mind that changing your views are monogamy is a bigger test for some more than others.

u/veragood · 18 pointsr/Psychonaut

You need to surrender to your pain by ceasing ANY resistance to life. I promise you there is unimaginably beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. But first you need to forgive yourself, which breaks the cycle of pain and suffering. You have this power.

Anger always, always leads to delusion about life. Please, you need to let this simple fact of life seep into the deepest part of your consciousness. You cannot shake your head and say "uh-huh" this time. You need to let it ring true in the part of you that observes, the part of you that is much vaster than and remains untouched by the seemingly never-ending swarm of negative thoughts. By breaking the cycle of anger, you will soon be lifted from the hellish pit of delusion. What is this delusion about? It destroys your ability to discriminate between truth and non-truth, between what's REAL and what's just a fearful mind projection. Please, let it sink in. Meditate on this inner part of you that is REAL. This is how you break the hellish cycle of anger. You have this power. You've always had this power.

I have been exactly where you are.. you need to realize that this numbness you feel inside is because deep down there is a part of you that knows there is something more out there. In this sense, you must immediately start viewing your suffering as the best thing that has happened to you. Only with this view will you stop resisting life, and only once you stop resisting life can the simple joy of Being again flow into everything you do. If you stop resisting what life has given you, you will immediately feel a presence, a stillness, a peace.

Don't hate your depression. It is a problem, but there is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You create problems because you need their lessons. In this way, the down cycle is absolutely essential for spiritual realization. You must have failed deeply on some level or experienced some deep loss or pain to be drawn to the spiritual dimension. I assure you, the spiritual dimension exists. Don't think it is hard; it is just a different way of perceiving the world. This is where meditation comes in. All your pain is mental; learn to control your mental state, and you will become a master of your mind rather than its slave. I speak from personal experience. I have had my 'enlightenment' moment already, so let me help you. Meditation is the key to everything. Meditation is how you take back control of your inner state. Meditation is how you find your True Self. Less than 5 months ago I was on my bathroom floor crying in a pit of self-pity. Now I am in 100% control of my life. It is all due to me awakening to the realization that I have the power to control my thoughts, rather than to be at their whim.

I promise on whatever you deem holy that I no longer have compulsive negative thoughts. I have performed the miracle of freeing myself from the chaos of the unconscious mind. The endless mental chatter that you have taken to be an inherent part of life is gone in my mind. It took incredible patience and practice on my part, and it did not come easy. I had to cultivate my mind like a field that had grown barren. I had to pay constant attention to my mental state throughout the day. But if you but fully commit yourself to this path of identifying and neutralizing unconscious thoughts through meditation, you too will find your inner mental silence that is your natural state.

If you are serious about ending your suffering, you need to follow this advice. It is the only way towards the lasting peace that you are alluding to. Please, please, buy these books. Read them not as revealing anyhting new to you, but as reminding you of things that you have simply forgot you already knew. They will point the way forward. In addition to being deeply spiritual, they are both extremely practical. If you surrender all resistance to their teachings, you will cure your depression much faster than you could ever dream of.

please feel free to ask any questions, this community is there for you

u/HellhoundsOnMyTrail · 18 pointsr/JordanPeterson

I read Attached and started following the advice. Basically as an anxious attacher I needed to date a lot before I made a judgment about getting into a relationship with someone. Often I'd get into relationships with women who would "love bomb" me only to end up being cold and distant, even cruel. I dated several Borderlines because of this.

Anyway, I dated and dated. Several women at a time (I'm meaning only for a few weeks, never more because of either of our reservations). I met a really nice med student. Pretty wholesome to women I had dated. But I wasn't sure. She said I had to make up my mind soon. So with that in mind I dropped acid. The realization I had on my return was that I needed to stop fucking around, man up, and ask this girl to be my girlfriend. I had a sense as well that I would be asking this one to be my wife.

I'm still in the processing of sorting myself, just finished self-authoring and now implementing my plans. But I'm definitely saving for a ring and going to ask her to marry me. And she knows it.

u/Badboyz4life · 18 pointsr/reactiongifs
u/005A9C · 18 pointsr/nba

I got a book you'd enjoy man. Seriously, that long post was beautiful.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition

u/reminisce214 · 18 pointsr/GetMotivated

Check out the book Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It's a pretty useful in identifying ways in which we can change the way we feel by changing our thoughts, among other things. It's helping me work out my anxiety/tendency to be depressed, ect.

u/Lightfiend · 18 pointsr/psychology

The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics. (probably most interesting from a Freudian perspective, deals with many of our unconscious instincts)

Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces The Shape Our Decisions - Unconscious decision-making, behavioral economics, consumer psychology. Fun read.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Most popular book on the psychology of persuasion, covers all the main principles. Very popular among business crowds.

Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships - Social neuroscience, mirror neurons, empathy, practical stuff mixed with easy to understand brain science.

Authentic Happiness - Positive Psychology, happiness, increasing life satisfaction.

Feeling Good - A good primer on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also widely considered one of the best self-help books by mental health practitioners.

The Brain That Changes Itself - Neuroplasticity, how experience shapes our brains. Some really remarkable case studies that get you wondering how powerful our brains really are.

The Buddhist Brain - The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom from a Buddhist perspective.

That should give you more than enough to chew on.

u/stelitoes · 18 pointsr/boston

Do yourself a favor and buy this:

Read while you rip stoggies. You will stop smoking upon completion. Thank me later.

u/cyanocobalamin · 18 pointsr/AskMenOver30

I am surprised someone hasn't mentioned this book yet, you might get a lot of it.

No More Mr Nice Guy Hardcover by Dr. Robert A. Glover

u/drdiode · 18 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.

Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.

u/_kashmir_ · 18 pointsr/getdisciplined

> I fear, that he will judge me as lazy

>I'm very afraid of what people might think of me

>I'm afraid that I won't be doing any projects with him

>I guess his feeling about me was right

So the first thing I would say is that these thoughts are not facts, but predictions about the future. I highly recommend you watch this very short video as I think the message is very suited to your situation and he can explain it far more eloquently than I can.


>I just need some advice on how to not worry too much about what other people think of me.

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do." How often do you think about the failures and faults of others? Very little, I suspect. People are concentrated on their own lives, their own success and their own failures. To be brutally honest, they don't spend their time thinking about you. Your worth is not determined by what others think of you.


Here's a relevant poem:

When you get what you want in your struggle for self

And the world makes you king for a day

Just go to the mirror and look at yourself

And see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your father, or mother, or wife

Whose judgment upon you must pass

The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest

For he’s with you, clear to the end

And you've passed your most difficult, dangerous test

If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years

And get pats on the back as you pass

But your final reward will be heartache and tears

If you've cheated the man in the glass.

--Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr


Finally, I think mindfulness, meditation, and this book would benefit you enormously.

u/WhateverWasIThinking · 18 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

In /r/relationships they often recommend the book 'The gift of fear'.

It's a general book on the subject of safety but it really touches on the signals we tend to ignore as women under the guise of politeness.

u/5pointed · 17 pointsr/AskWomen

Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain is a book that teaches drawing as a skill rather than a talent, and gives tips like drawing upside down (which changes your perspective, thus how you draw something), etc. If I remember correctly, there are some remarkable examples of before and after drawings people did who didn't identify as naturally talented.

u/QuestionAxer · 17 pointsr/pokemon

if anyone's actually serious about learning how to draw by reading a book about it, I can highly recommend Drawing on the Right Side of the brain by Betty Edwards.

It's the only book that actually teaches you how to develop the perception to draw what you see and I can say that it's helped me. You are guaranteed results because you do a before-and-after portrait drawing to compare how much you have improved.

u/ino_y · 17 pointsr/sexover30

Step 1 in solving any relationship problem, they have to care. They have to want to solve the problem. Nothing you throw at them, make them read, beg, plead, bargain, cajole, trick them.. wont stick if they just dont feel like changing because they have no need to change, you're never gonna leave right?

Anyway, Come as you are and She comes first both with ridiculous fruit on the cover, if he actually wants to pleasure you.

u/phtcmp · 17 pointsr/relationship_advice

You should both was the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It will give you a very good understanding of why this is.

u/cas18khash · 17 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

Every man should read

This is the book he draws from. It's a life changing book.

u/Myst--19 · 17 pointsr/NoFap

You're taking the wrong lessons out of this book. Yes, you should care about yourself and your values more than others. However, what you're talking about is not caring about others in the slightest. That's insane!

You're going from one extreme to the next. But you will still have the same insecurity at heart.

How do I know? I've been there. I was that nice guy that helped everyone out when they needed and didn't get anything back in return, or refused to take back. Then one day, I had enough. I became a raging dick to everyone, my friends, family, housemates. I'm still suffering from the fallout of what I did, 3 years on.

Change is good. And I'm glad you're taking action to change. But becoming obsessively narcisstic is not the best path. You'll get some of what you want but lose the things you loved.

Focus on yourself first, and then care about those around you next. Don't go full throttle on the former. Check out this, it talks about exactly what you're going through --> Models: Attract Women through Honesty

And here is an exerpt --> The Power in Vulnerability

At the end of the day, do what you want to do. I wish you the best of luck.

edit: Spelling, added 1 sentence.

u/StabbyPants · 17 pointsr/AskMen

read models.

Talk to women. Talk to men. Talk to old women you have no sexual interest in about things that come to mind (yours or theirs). collect cool stories. Pursue hobbies for the sake of doing something awesome (more stories).

Hit the gym - a better body looks better and feels better.

u/eduardopozo56 · 17 pointsr/networking
u/chrndr · 17 pointsr/HPMOR

I wrote a quick script to search the full text of HPMOR and return everything italicized and in title case, which I think got most of the books mentioned in the text:

Book title|Author|Mentioned in chapter(s)|Links|Notes
Encyclopaedia Britannica| |7|Wikipedia|Encyclopaedia
Financial Times| |7|Wikipedia|Newspaper
The Feynman Lectures on Physics|Richard P. Feynman|8|Wikipedia|Full text is available online here
Judgment Under Uncertainty: Heuristics and Biases|Amos Tversky|8|Amazon|
Language in Thought and Action|S.I. Hayakawa|8|Amazon Wikipedia |
Influence: Science and Practice|Robert B. Cialdini|8|Wikipedia|Textbook. See also Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Rational Choice in an Uncertain World: The Psychology of Judgment and Decision Making|Reid Hastie and Robyn Dawes|8|Amazon |Textbook
Godel, Escher, Bach|Douglas Hofstadter|8, 22|Amazon Wikipedia|
A Step Farther Out|Jerry Pournelle|8|Amazon|
The Lord of the Rings|J.R.R. Tolkien|17|Wikipedia|
Atlas Shrugged|Ayn Rand|20, 98|Wikipedia|
Chimpanzee Politics|Frans de Waal|24|Amazon|
Thinking Physics: Understandable Practical Reality|Lewis Carroll Epstein|35, 102|Amazon|
Second Foundation|Isaac Asimov|86|Wikipedia|Third novel in the Foundation Series
Childcraft: A Guide For Parents| |91|Amazon|Not useful if your child has a mysterious dark side

Also, this probably isn't technically what the OP was asking, but since the script returned fictional titles along with real ones, I went ahead and included them too:

Book title|Mentioned in chapter(s)
The Quibbler|6, 27, 38, 63, 72, 86
Hogwarts: A History|8, 73, 79
Modern Magical History|8
Magical Theory|16
Intermediate Potion Making|17
Occlumency: The Hidden Arte|21
Daily Prophet|22, 25, 26, 27, 35, 38, 53, 69, 77, 84, 86, 108
Magical Mnemonics|29
The Skeptical Wizard|29
Vegetable Cunning|48
Beauxbatons: A History|63
Moste Potente Potions|78
Toronto Magical Tribune|86
New Zealand Spellcrafter's Diurnal Notice|86
American Mage|86

As others mentioned, TVTropes has a virtually-exhaustive list of allusions to other works, which includes books that aren't explicitly named in the text, like Ender's Game

u/Clubber_of_Seals · 17 pointsr/confession

You can only play the hand you were dealt. You cant change that. The good news is that you can stop feeling sorry for yourself and start working on yourself. Change your mentality, read more (especially self help books...good ones as there is alot of trash out there), learn new things, pick up new hobbies, change yourself physically by hitting the gym, grooming yourself (if that's an issue), dress nicer (if you don't already), attain goals, set new for you and only you, man. Improve yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others. You will always fall short if you do that and quite frankly, other people are irrelevant when it comes to your life. If it is girls you want, there are "plenty of fish in the sea", this I am sure you've heard thousands of times, but although these girls all have different tastes/interests, they are, in general, not so much attracted to looks per se, but rather behavior and attitude. Girls of course are not opposed to a good looking guy, but good looks will only get you initial interest from them, but if a guy doesn't have a good personality, attitude, self esteem or confidence, then Brad Pitt himself would not be able to attract and keep women. You would be amazed how successful "unattractive" men can be. I'm sure you have seen it. Forget about women for now, work on you. Get your self esteem and confidence up. That should be the goal. How you negatively feel/view about yourself projects to people. It turns them off before you can even open your mouth. Good luck man!

If you have a moment, check out the book "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life" by Mark Manson. It's a great book and it will hit probably hit home in alot of areas. It (and others) helped me when I needed some help. Its a good read.

u/theonewithoutapic · 16 pointsr/AskWomen

Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking was nice. It doesn't treat introversion like social anxiety or claim introverts are inherently superior, it just talks about how introverts should try to stick with working styles that work for them instead of forcing themselves to love things like group brainstorming. It also discusses problems introverts have in the current "extrovert idealism" of a lot if workplaces.

u/cursethedarkness · 16 pointsr/simpleliving

I've noticed a trend here lately of people turning to simple living as a way to treat anxiety. Simple living is awesome, but it's not a cure for anxiety. In some ways, it can promote it, because people use the idea of simple living to hide from life.

The best place to start, if you can, would be with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety. If that isn't possible right now, this book can give you some tools to start feeling better, for under $6. It did help me. Ultimately, the key to overcoming anxiety is to do the thing you fear until it isn't scary any more.

u/Daleth2 · 16 pointsr/legaladvice

Relax. He's trying to extort money from you, which is a crime. If you know you didn't do anything wrong, and if you know he let other employees use your number to do stuff, and you're pretty sure he wasn't paying business taxes like he was supposed to, not only should you be fine (since you didn't do anything wrong), but you could get him in trouble for criminal tax evasion and extortion.

Have you read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker? See if it's at your local library. It is VERY VERY helpful in dealing with evil people.

u/Guns_and_Dank · 16 pointsr/personalfinance

Read this, seriously.

Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking

u/zundervain · 16 pointsr/drawing

The best resource I have found for learning how to draw/ progress in your skills is the book "drawing on the right side of the brain" here is an amazon link to the BOOK
But it's very easy to find this book online for free as well.
Other resources were weren't actually drawing books, but more of anatomy books. They are really helpful to teach you proportions, and shows you how the body is built up from bones to muscles, to skin etc...
I would avoid those "how to draw ___" books. They only teach you how to draw that one specific thing and its hard to transition that into drawing your own thing. The book I linked above does a good job of teaching you how to "see" what your drawing. So when you are drawing an eye, or an ear, it teaches you how to break down the subject into shapes and lines. A couple angled lines and squiggles are a lot easier to understand and draw than a full image of an eye/ ear.

u/Archimedes_Redux · 16 pointsr/exmormon

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

By Paul Mason

u/Shudder · 16 pointsr/asktransgender

Off the top of my head, I see a couple of options:

First, have you tried talking to her about toys? Would she be interested in receptive penetrative sex? Would she want to try out a strap-on? Related:NSFW (not porn)

Also, polyamory! No reason you can't have deep connections with multiple people. There are all sorts of ways of negotiating poly relationships in order to deal with issues like jealousy and that can accommodate all sorts of sexual inclinations. I definitely recommend checking out the Ethical Slut if you are curious.

u/charmed_quark · 16 pointsr/Tinder

Your posts are always fun to read - shockingly honest, even about decisions you seem to regret.

Opinion: Smart dude isn't going to be your guy. He's enjoying himself, but he doesn't see you as someone he's going to commit to beyond a regular fuck. He's going to avoid answering a question like that because he doesn't want to screw up what he's got going with you, and he only asks questions like that for validation. Pull the emergency brake on the feels train, or be ready to get hurt.

Keep doing you, but if you start to find that meaningless sex is starting to hollow you out don't hesitate to stop and re-evaluate/recharge.

If you haven't, read this:

u/gtcom · 15 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Get Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain (not a referral link).

Follow all of the exercises. It takes a lot of the mysticism out of drawing and makes it a skill you can pick up, practice and become better at.

u/MoebiusStriptease · 15 pointsr/LongDistance

Nonmonogamy is like Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce: not for everyone and every situation, but excellent when it's right. And if someone is forcing you to have Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Sauce, something's not quite right.

It sounds like you're not cool with nonmonogamy in this situation, but you don't want to upset the relationship or your SO. At the very least, it sounds like you have some feelings about it that aren't entirely positive.

I would encourage you very, very strongly to talk with your SO about these feelings. Ethical nonmonogamy takes a lot of honest, difficult communication, and LDRs take a lot of communication, too. As someone who's poly, in a long distance relationship with my primary partner who has encounters outside of our relationship, I can say that it's one of the most difficult but rewarding things I've learned to do.

If you want further reading on nonmonogamy (and just relationships in general), I'd suggest The Ethical Slut by Easton & Hardy.

u/yurt-dweller · 15 pointsr/france

Pour les anglophones, ou les anglo-liseurs en tout cas, je ne peux que recommander la lecture de Come as you are, de Emily Nagosky.

Le bouquin peut avoir un aspect rebutant parce que, en bon best-seller US, il fait la part belle, sur la forme, au scientisme et à la recette miracle.

Mais franchement il m'a ouvert les yeux sur beaucoup de chose sur le fonctionnement du désir et de la libido, en particulier féminine, et sur les tenants et aboutissants de la semi- "dead bedroom" dans laquelle je me débats avec ma copine depuis plusieurs années.

Si tu es une nana qui n'arrive pas à jouir, un mec qui se demande pourquoi sa nana n'arrive pas à jouir, si tu ne comprends pas pourquoi ton partenaire n'a jamais envie quoi que tu fasses, si tu culpabilises d'avoir moins de désir que ton partenaire, si tu veux juste comprendre comment fonctionne ton cerveau / ton désir... lis Emily Nagosky !

[EDIT] : Mais pourquoi il n'est as encore traduit en français!?

u/frak8757 · 15 pointsr/Weakpots

since it is matriarchy monday, I'm going to recommend this book to anyone who is a woman or likes to fuck women. I haven't finished it yet but its pretty good so far.

u/mek65 · 15 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I'll start with this: So many women, including myself, HAVE HAD THE MISFORTUNE of having had miserable sexual relationships with a man-child who was willfully ignorant and selfish in bed. I suggest that you grow up and educate yourself for the next woman who stumbles into your life, after this one hopefully dumps you, if you don't learn to please her.

Your inexperience could be excused, your selfishness CANNOT. She knows you have very little patience for her pleasure and needs. It's all about you. You're not really listening to her or asking her what works for her; she's having to ask youto care about her needs, as if it's a chore. She wouldn't just lie and say you're "not trying enough" if it weren't true. You're obviously not really paying attention when she does try to show you with her own hand. You're just, literally, going through the motions, moving your hand repetitively (maybe even too roughly which is why your hand's getting tired), just to say you tried. Poor little you.

Many women can't get aroused or get anywhere near orgasm if the guy is obviously annoyed or uninterested in doing what it takes to give her pleasure. She knows you're thinking she's taking too long and it makes her anxious, and then even less about to focus on any sensations, such as oral. That's precisely why she says she doesn't feel anything when you go down on her. She's probably unable to get out of her anxious head and into the sensations; or you don't know what you're doing because she doesn't want to tell you how. It's fine that you don't know how to please her orally, women are all different. She should feel free to tell you, but she knows you won't remember, because you're already impatient. My guess? You'll go down for a ridiculously short amount of time (less than 10 min, BTW avg time to come is longer for most women during oral), then complain that your:


  1. Jaw/tongue/lips are hurting 2. you're chafing 3. Neck hurts 4. Just tired 5. "You're taking a long time" 6. Any excuse etc.

    You've probably already given her the idea that there's something wrong with HER, and not you. I'm sure she makes certain YOU always cum. Right? You've probably given her a complex which is very hard to shake for many women.

    Did you know that almost all women need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm? Or that almost all women require a minimum of 20 minutes of foreplay (Look that word up, since you obviously have no idea what it is) before they're even aroused enough for penetration? Hence, even if lubricated, some women find penetration painful if their vaginas haven't become engorged with blood aka erect (like a guy's erection, yes we get internal erections).

    So, as she's finally about to come, you just gave up cause you're sweaty? Almost ALL women who get to the edge (unless intentionally ‘edging’) of an orgasm, whose lover then stops, lose almost all arousal, then the whole arousal process has to build up again. Question for you? How would you like it if, every time you were just about to come, she just stopped, and left you hanging? Great, huh? Obviously not, because later in your post, you say you got mad at her, cause she selfishly said it hurt and wanted to stop before you could get your rocks off. I can't even believe you admitted this.

    This is repulsive-

    "Last time she stopped me because it hurt, I got annoyed because I felt like we were just wasting time. I see her just a few days a month anyway. I wanted to cum and she made a weird face and started crying." W.T.F.?

    If she foolishly wastes another minute of her precious time on you, you need to read about foreplay, specifically for women, female genital anatomy and sexual response. Find it in yourself to give a fuck about learning to give her pleasure, learn to enjoy giving it, as much as receiving it. If not, she should dump you and find a decent grown-up man.

    And file your goddamn nails. That is, file them, run them across the inside of your cheeks (the closest thing to her vaginal walls). If you feel zero edges, good job. If not, file some more.

    Buy this book for yourself. You can't afford not to. It's a good start to learning how to give her oral.

    "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)"

    Buy this book for you and her to read together. It'll seem like you care.

    "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life" (Nagoski)
u/kayakthemind · 15 pointsr/IWantToLearn

You can buy workbooks at Amazon or wherever that focus on management of emotional intensity and emotion dysregulation to help you learn how to recognize and intervene with self-soothing and regulation strategies. Anything that is influenced by the work of Marsha Linehan is good.


u/meekmeeka · 15 pointsr/WagWalker

As someone who overcame severe depression and was on 200mg of Zoloft at one point in my need to get professional help for yourself. First and foremost: take care of YOU. You won't be able to help dogs until you help yourself and you need to do it because YOU ARE WORTH THAT.

That doesn't mean quit Wag. That means prioritizing you so you can work as you get better (and work on yourself). The only thing that helped me was therapist who specialized in depression, anxiety, and PTSD (my issues). Here is a book that helped me (used in conjunction with therapy- it is somewhat of a workbook since it has exercises):

I would still walk dogs as I got help as it's good for you to make money to help support yourself and it's good to get outside and not lock yourself up indoors (makes your depression worse). The exercise and dogs will help. I would place that second to the therapy. Focus should be on that. It isn't hopeless. It feels hopeless because that's what depression does. If you have supportive family, reach out to them too.

FWIW, that lady is a bitch. Don't worry about her. She doesn't matter and she is probably miserable in her own life. I'm sensitive too, but just let it go and if it helps wish her to get hemorrhoids (I do this for fellow assholes I encounter..makes me feel better anyway lol)

u/michaelsiemsen · 15 pointsr/cringepics

There're probably tons, though I don't know of any better than What Every Body is Saying and Spy the Lie.

Hope that helps!

u/ZaFish · 15 pointsr/CBT

For me, this one did the trick or at least made me understand

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy


u/you_done_messed_up · 15 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> chocolate covered strawberries, flowers, candles

Despite what the media tells you, these kind of gestures will not generate sexual desire where there is none.

> she instantly starts being negative about the whole thing

Because she immediately sees what these gestures are about and activates her defense mechanisms.

> Am I right to be angry or not?

This was a covert contract: you do nice gesture X to get her to have sex with you, it doesn't happen, you get pissed.

This is an unhealthy pattern of behavior that you should get rid of. You can read the book.

Having said that, I strongly recommend that you take some time to really think about how shitty your marriage needs to get for you to get out.

u/Devvils · 15 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

He sounds like me 10 years ago.

  • he needs therapy, and lots of it; he needs to look after himself, but he doesn't realise he's not doing that
  • he may need antidepressants
  • have a talk to him about reducing contact enough so she can't intrude. Have a look at medium chill. Why is he telling his mother that he's selling his place? If he had a stalker, would he telegraph what he is doing? He needs cognitive reframing.
  • your next present for him is the book No More Mr Nice Guy
  • get him to look at Spatran Life Coach's vids
u/gud_spelller · 15 pointsr/alcoholicsanonymous

Before we got married, my wife had two "stalkers" like this. Annoying, creepy, but nothing criminal. One had a traumatic brain injury and the other guy had a different disorder. Subtle hints that she was not interested did nothing. She never tried the direct approach, and I'm not sure that it would have worked. Cognitive dissonance was big with these guys.

Gavin de Becker is a security expert, and in his book he says many of these types of guys are clueless, but harmless. Of course, some cross the line to harmful. His recommendation was to starve the stalker of any attention until they shifted their focus elsewhere. He found that threats or restraining orders were counter productive in most situations.

u/laMuerte5 · 15 pointsr/entertainment

There is a great book about this. The Power of Habit. I recommend it for someone that is trying to understand why you can’t stop doing dumb shit you know is bad for you.

u/scottishredpill · 14 pointsr/asktrp

Agree with the other post, you sound like a troll, however, here are some reading suggestions:

No More Mr Nice Guy book/can get the pdf using google

Married Man Sex Life blog/pdf

These are generally heavily recommended for anyone that wants to take a little more control of their marriage.

The Red Pill Room Blog of a married Red Piller

What you want to look for is "relationship game". Here is the result of the search on Chateau Heartiste.

There are some well known female bloggers that may have useful advice:

Red Pill Wifery

Sunshine Mary

Judgy Bitch

u/lazer_kat · 14 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

There is an amazing book on listening to intuition and how it can save lives called the Gift of Fear. HIGHLY recommend it.

u/ReasonReader · 14 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

There's a definitive book on the subject.

I read this back when some asshole was obsessing over my GF and following her around. We ended up going to court and getting a restraining order to keep him away from our homes and workplaces.

u/cakemountains · 14 pointsr/askwomenadvice

If he's not abusive, he's awfully close. People who have abusive tendencies like to jump into relationships full speed to sort of 'trap' their partner. He is jealous, he tracks your location, confronts you when you don't respond fast enough (uh, you're in class!) or when he can't see where you are in real time, he's clingy, he's demanding of your time, he doesn't trust you even though you show him your communications with friends...

Okay, he's abusive.

The excitement of a new relationship, especially when they're super into you, is a rush. It happens. Sometimes it fizzles out under the best of circumstances; this is not the best of circumstances by a long shot.

Someone does not need an actual reason to break up with someone. Sure, it's great to be able to give one and it's great to be able to get one. But you have a lot of reasons to move on and move on fast before he escalates. BTW, there's a good chance he will be very angry if (hopefully when) you break up with him. Make sure friends are close by (don't let him know this) or do it in a very public area. Carry pepper spray if you must. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. Change your passcode on your phone or any password he knows. Delete/block him on all social media. If you do all this before you break up, he'll get suspicious. Write down a list of what you need to do so you don't forget. Then break up and take care of these things ASAP.


u/riteilu · 14 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Hm. It's a little bit tricky to say. On the one hand, I do feel like it's a good policy to look up and say hello to your neighbors, and I do wonder whether you might be overgeneralizing about the intent of the people talking to you in the street or misreading the culture. My experience is that people in poorer communities tend to be more open about casually talking to people in the streets than people in wealthier communities.

Regarding what his response: do you ever talk to people in the neighborhood? It's possible that he wasn't saying "You need to talk to me because your kind is gentrifying the neighborhood," but rather "We've seen you around and noticed that you ignore all of us all the time." In fact, I see his remark as more of an honest, slightly hurt question than an attempt to rope you into anything you didn't want to do, especially if he didn't follow after you and keep trying to talk as you went by.

And I guess I do feel a bit...rubbed the wrong way by your remark that you are fairly certain he would have made an inappropriate remark if you gave any response, because I don't see anything indicative of that, but, granted, I wasn't there at the time, so there may have been some things happening that doesn't quite come through in text.

You are right, however, that you don't need to communicate with anyone if you don't want to, but it might be worthwhile to consider a slightly different approach while you're living in this neighborhood. There was a really excellent blog post I read a while ago about dealing with harassment in India, but I can't seem to find again. The gist of it, however, is that it is important for a person to distinguish between dangerously creepy individuals and harmless ones. A big, important difference between the two, is that dangerously creepy individuals won't take no for an answer, whereas harmless ones will back off if you tell them you're uncomfortable with what they're doing.

A lot of times, immigrants and people from poorer communities fall into the "harmlessly creepy" categories. They might not share your cultural background that taught them, "Don't say these things to women walking alone," but they will respect you if you tell them you are uncomfortable with it.

The book The Gift of Fear talks a lot about distinguishing between different types of situations that might cause us discomfort, and how best to respond to them. It will be good for teaching you what it feels like to be in a situation where your safety is actually at risk, versus being in a situation that might be uncomfortable, but isn't actually dangerous.

Your exact course of action is up to you, of course, but I would personally recommend you take the route of responding to people who talk to you on the street and saying, "Don't do that, please" if someone makes an unwelcome remark. If they push the issue, repeat, more loudly, "I said, cut that out." At this point, it is likely that others will tell the person in question to back off if they do not do so themselves.

u/ClaytonRayG · 14 pointsr/fatlogic

While I haven't read Ten Days to Self-Esteem, I would (and usually do) highly recommend Feeling Good by David Burns to damned near everyone. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped me tremendously not only in my self esteem but in how I manage everything else.

Edit: Found it as a .pdf for anyone that wants it.

u/RobertTran · 14 pointsr/SquaredCircle

Here's the book that saved my life.

It's the most comprehensive book on the subject I know about. Unfortunately I'm not too keen on knowing other links and whatnot. But trust me, this will be the best eight bucks you'll ever spend. I hope this helps.

u/ConsentfulCuddles · 14 pointsr/askwomenadvice

There are many issues with this mentality.

First, most women do not come from penetration alone. It is common for women to touch themselves or use a toy during sex to get off. If it’s been a year, he is not learning your body. By not allowing you to touch yourself, it’s preventing you from orgasming.

I wonder if he has the same concern I had when I started using toys. If I use a toy, then what is the guy’s purpose? When I asked my sex partner this question, he brushed his fingers on my arm and said his purpose was that. Yes, I can orgasm by myself and with or without a toy. The sex partner is there to share the experience, to touch me in ways I can’t touch myself. I can’t caress my own arm and he can. I can’t cuddle myself after and he can. So your boyfriend’s role isn’t to get you off (which he is failing at), but to share the experience with you.

Second, orgasm is not the most important part of sex. People’s myopic focus on orgasm can ruin sex. Is the orgasm for you or for him? Focusing on orgasms as an end goal ironically can hinder one’s ability to orgasm. The stress of deliberately pushing oneself to orgasm is not conducive to orgasms.

I want to tell you what I wished had been told to me: it’s ok if you don’t orgasm. There is nothing wrong with you. I never faked it with my first boyfriend and he never got me to orgasm. And he convinced me I was broken. I wasn’t. He just couldn’t get me to orgasm. I have had many partners since and only a few have been able to get me to orgasm. It takes a lot of practice, patience, and experience to get me to orgasm. And it’s ok. It’s just how my body works.

You need to stop faking it for your sake. Im the long run, I was grateful I never faked it with my first. I guarantee you will never have an orgasm with him if he doesn’t know that what he’s doing is not working. From his point of view, he is great at sex because you always orgasm. You will need to be honest and say that the sex is great and it feels nice and you like it, but you don’t orgasm.

Lastly, I recommend reading “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski. I wished I had read it when I was 20 instead of 30s.

There is a case study in her book of a woman who didn’t orgasm during sex. The thing she had her clients do was take orgasm out of the equation. You can have all the fun and sex, but no orgasming is allowed. The idea is that then you can focus on the other aspects of sex. I highly recommend the book to both you and your boyfriend.

u/blorpblorpbloop · 14 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If you want a good read (or audio book) for both you and your partner read Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are". It explains a lot about different folks arousal levels through the dual control model and differences and strategies that help a lot. Plus, you know, science.

u/Waylander84 · 14 pointsr/sexover30

Definitely read into the concept of Responsive Desire, or even just read the full book Come As You Are. It's helped me a lot in a somewhat similar situation.

My wife and I had a minor blowup a month or so ago. I felt for a very long time that she was just "indulging" me in sex and didn't really want it, despite us having a very active sex life. I thought that since she wasn't chasing me around begging for dick, she wasn't attracted to me.

Instead, she's just a lot more reactive than proactive compared to me. The best analogy I was given was popcorn. You can really like popcorn, but you might not think about popcorn all the time. But when you smell that fresh popcorn smell, the butter, hear it popping, walk into a movie theater, or something else that triggers that popcorn urge, you can really enjoy it.

My perspective was way off, and my understanding of sex drive or libido was uninformed. You can look at a couple of my early threads here if you want.

u/xhazerdusx · 14 pointsr/leaves

A book that really helped me break out of this is Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. Stick with it despite initial impressions and it has a very good chance of helping you as well.

And yes, I've been able to quit after heavy heavy use. You can PM me with ANY questions, vent sessions, whatever. Hit me up and I'll respond as soon as I can. (Should be pretty quick, but prob not immediately.)

u/Eye_Enough_Pea · 14 pointsr/infp

I read somewhere that the reason that most adults draw like eleven-year-olds is that we are very self-critical during that age, and just stop drawing. Which means no practice and therefore no skill improvement.

If you really want to learn, there's a book which claims that anyone can learn to draw at least decently using their method.

(Sorry for imposing if you're not actually interested in drawing, I just thought I should mention it)

u/rubikscubefreak · 14 pointsr/relationships

If you're really wanting to try an open relationship, I highly recommend you read The Ethical Slut. It's an incredibly eye-opening book about how to deal with some issues that might occur when you're in any kind of relationship, not just open relationships (working through jealousy, managing your time, enjoying intimacy, laying down ground rules, etc). And then, once you're done with that book (assuming this girl agrees to the open relationship bit), have her read it too.

u/d8_thc · 14 pointsr/seduction

I know this is slightly unrelated, but it's really not.

You have massive 'inner perception' problems. Everybody here is going to talk about inner-game, but I'm going to take it a step further.

A psychedelic experience.

What is the Psychedelic Experience?

A floatation tank, meditation, psilocybin, LSD, DMT or ayahuasca will ALL make you confront yourself, the egoic filter is literally BLASTED away, there's nothing left but you and raw emotion and you can work through a ton of stuff, such as getting validation from deep within yourself, and another- that in this moment, everything is actually okay, and you already have anything you could possibly need. (It's possible, I promise!)

People will throw game books at you, but since you have read models and no more mr nice guy, you should really check this one out.

The power of now

At least you have somewhere to work from now! Before you can fix it you had to know it was there, ya?

u/Integrals · 14 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy books such as Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.

I have mild depression and severe anxiety and it has done WONDERS.

It is NOT a silver bullet but it is much better than nothing. Results show that it is just as effective as meds.

u/mrguy561 · 14 pointsr/AskReddit

It may sound crazy, but I'd rather stay home, surf the internet, listen to music, and maybe read a book instead of hanging out with someone all day.

EDIT: read this book

u/aureolae · 14 pointsr/AsianMasculinity

You're short, you have acne, you dress poorly, you're no fun to be around, you have no friends/squad, you're shy/introverted/won't approach, you look like a boy and have no authority, you have no sexual experience ... why do you think you should have a girlfriend again?

I know I'm being harsh, but the earlier you learn this the better: you must offer value. Otherwise why do you think anyone would be with you?

Work on the things you can, accept the things you can't.

Short - no solution.

Acne - eat better, sleep better, see a dermatologist.

Learn to dress better.

Finally, learn to socialize. This will have all kind of cascading effects. You will be more fun to be around, you will have a squad, you will have authority based on your friends' opinions of you. It definitely won't be easy, and sure, it goes against what you think is your fundamental nature, but right now, your fundamental nature is also to be girlfriendless. How badly do you want to change the situation?

Some tips for being more sociable: Be generous with your time and thoughts. Compliment people. Listen to them. Think about what they need and offer to help them. Again, you must offer value. Sometimes you won't get anything back. That's part of the pain of the learning process. Let that unrequited kindness go.

Here's a book that may help you with your introverted nature. In part, the author recommends faking it until you make it. Make it into a game, so you can step away, and you can reward yourself for small bit of progress:

u/marksolomon32 · 14 pointsr/infp

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

u/Valkes · 14 pointsr/AskMen

Trim and file your nails. If you cut her she will cut you.

Don't rush. There's no reason to go leaping toward the clitoris like a bull at it's gate. Take your time with her. Explore her body. Warm her up.

Talk to her. Tell her how sexy she is. How much you want her. Ask her how she likes to be touched. Have her guide your fingers in the motion she likes on her clit.

If something starts working and she tells you not to stop, don't stop doing whatever it is you're doing. I don't care if your hand feels like it's gonna fall off. Play through the pain. In my experience 90% of the work that actually feels good for most girls is going to happen without penetration.

Now, depending on the girl she may like a bit of g-spot stimulation. About two or three inches in her vagina on the upper wall, that's the bit that's nearest the clitoris, there may be a series of fleshy wrinkles. That's the g-spot. What you're gonna want to do here is make a sweeping sort of "come here" motion.

Start with a single finger, I like the middle one, and add more as she loosens up.

Here's some reading for you.

Just remember that the most important part of good sex is communication. Pay attention to what your partner is doing, saying, and feeling. GL HF

Oh, and dry = bad. Lube your fingers up.

u/Rfksemperfi · 14 pointsr/seduction

A few, in no particular order:

The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Collins Business Essentials)

Mastering Your Hidden Self: A Guide to the Huna Way (A Quest Book)

My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies

Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)

What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People

The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature

Outliers: The Story of Success

Iron John: A Book About Men

u/TheModernScientist · 13 pointsr/IWantToLearn

"What every body is saying" would be a great book to start with.

u/bluehawkins · 13 pointsr/Advice

Jesus Christ. Who are you, Winston Smith? Let go of that fatalist attitude. It won't get you anywhere, except more depressed. Regardless of when you die, there's nothing you can do about time passed, so where's the sense in fretting over it? In addition to the advice I posted separately, I recommend reading some literature on changing your mindset. "Feeling Good" by David Burns is a good one. It costs $6 on amazon.

u/oh-no-varies · 13 pointsr/infertility

Hi there!

I'm so sorry to hear about your anxiety. I can definitely relate as I also struggle with panic attacks and anxiety and the infertility treatment process has been challenging in that regard.

This reply will be long, but hopefully helpful. I'm also on mobile so bear with me re: formatting/autocorrects...

If you need to take mental health breaks I recommend doing so. I've taken a few- a month here or there over the last three years and it can help. But, if you take a break you should also be doing what you can to address the anxiety itself, otherwise a break won't help.

If you don't address the anxiety on its own terms, returning to treatment will bring the anxiety back with it.

If you haven't already, find a therapist or counsellor who deals with anxiety and (if possible) who understands and works with infertility. Most fertility clinics will have a list of therapists they recommend.

If you don't have the financial resources for a therapist there are cognitive behavioural things you can do on your own to help. I recommend doing these even if you do have a therapist as they can provide coping tools in the moment you are having anxiety.

There are a number of apps that can be helpful. Anxiety BC (a government sponsored mental health resource in Canada) had a great mobile app with a number of tools for anxiety and panic attacks. You can find it here. It is geared toward teens and young adults but is usable and applicable to people in all stages of life. You just might see examples that mention school stress etc.

Pacifica is also a good free app with anxiety tools. As is Stop, Breath, Think (which focuses on mindfulness). All of these apps are free. They have in app purchases but the free resources are more than enough.

There is a desktop and mobile compatible site I use sometimes when I know I need to work on breathing. you can use the settings to time the length of inhale, paused and exhales to your comfort level. I recommend 4-2-6 or 6-2-6 seconds. The interface is minimalistic and soothing. I use it at my desk when I feel panic coming. Many people find this kind of breathing can alleviate panic attacks like you are experiencing.

If, like me, focusing on your breath when you are already in a panic attack makes things worse not better, try a grounding exercise. I use one I call "5 things". You can say it out loud if you have privacy or you can do it in your mind while you are in public.

To do this, simply focus on 5 things for each sense. So, you say to yourself. "What are 5 things I feel?", and list them. "I feel the fabric of my pants on my thighs, I feel my feet in on the ground, wind on my skin, i feel tingles in my hands, etc" just any 5 sensations you feel in your body. Then 5 things you see, hear etc. Repeat as necessary.

There are also some workbooks you can get and work with on your own if therapy isn't an option.
My therapist recommends reading Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy to get a sense of the basics of cognitive behavioural therapy. This is an older book (1980's ish) but is a good foundation. Not everything in the book will apply to everyone, and no book should be considered a replacement for working with a qualified professional, but I find them helpful for adding to my mental toolkit.

A doctor once gave me Mind Over Mood which is a helpful workbook with concrete exercises to get you practicing CBT. This can be very helpful.

**edited from desktop to add links

u/Awarenesss · 13 pointsr/videos

I highly suggest reading On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society by Dave Grossman. It gives excellent insight into how the military desensitizes people to killing and the effects it has had on soldiers, past and present.

u/sjrsimac · 13 pointsr/sex

This is gonna be hard for you to do, but try not to invest your ego in her ability to orgasm.

I know that sounds weird, and you're probably thinking, "but I'm investing my ego in my ability to make her orgasm." Nah, no one can make someone orgasm. Yes, my girlfriend has hands, mouth, and pussy delivered from heaven that makes me feel pleasure I didn't know mortals could know, but the reason I orgasm (or don't) is because of my mental state. If I'm preoccupied, I'm going to have a much harder time coming, whether I'm using my own hand, or if my girlfriend is riding me.

I'm going to take your girlfriend at her word, that she loves being intimate with you and has made her peace with not having orgasms. I'm sure she would enjoy orgasms, they are the definition of pleasure, but if she can't get herself to cum, there is no reason you should beat yourself up for not being able to make her cum.

The best thing you can do for your girlfriend at this point is continue to let her know, both verbally and (more importantly) nonverbally, that you love every single part of her body. If you love eating pussy, kiss her pussy while you're kissing the rest of her body. If you love her ass, make sure you pay attention to it when she's just walking around the house. And it never hurts to pin her to the wall and kiss her just because, you know, she's there.

Finally, I recommend that you read She Comes First by Ian Kerner. That book is more than a series of tips and tricks to hit a woman's sexy buttons. It's a complete narrative that describes the attitude a sexual partner should take when developing a relationship.

u/scratchnsniff · 13 pointsr/AskMen

Hey Op, great question. One thing I heard growing up was that it taste like sucking on a nickel and that the inside of a vagina felt like a softer version of the outside of a basketball. There's some truth to that but I think there are better approximations and those descriptions always left me wanting.

Some folks suggested feeling the inside of your mouth, specifically pressing your finger against your cheek. That's definitely close, but the sensation doesn't feel right because you're also touching yourself. Like trying to tickle yourself isn't a good approximation of what it feels like to be tickled. Oddly enough, if you have bigger dogs, the inside of their lips are relatively close to the texture you might feel inside a woman. This area between their upper gum line and the inside of their cheek Vaginas are like a wetter, slipperier version of that. Women also have different areas inside their vagina that will provide different textures, I find the g-spot to be closer to that basketball texture. The inside of dog lips are weirdly close, enjoy not being able to unsee that.

As for taste, if a woman has recently bathed than I would say that they taste close to tomato juice. And no, not V8. Try cutting a fresh tomato, you will see nearly clear liquid come out from these areas Now if you took that, strained it so it was just the liquid and no particulate and then warmed it up to body temperature, that's about as close as you can get. Though some women depending upon their arousal and hydration are have juices that are a little thinner or thicker. For a quick test, just let a tomato sit out at room temperature, jam your finger in and wiggle it around, taste and imagine there's not tiny chunks of tomato pulp.

Smell can vary, but as Hump_My_Face said lick the back of your hand then wait a 10 seconds and smell it. Depending on when they last cleaned up, it will be somewhere in the realm of that.

And yes, what you eat/drink can absolutely be carried over to her smell or taste. The same goes for guys, so maybe hold off on the coffee, garlic, and asparagus if you're hoping for a girl to go down on you.

And if you're looking for some pro tips, I highly recommend this book. It's not your typical sex advice book, and will definitely add new ideas, techniques, and confidence to your bedroom play.


The feeling of a vagina is like the inside of a dogs upper lip

The taste of a vagina is close to the natural juices left over after cutting a tomato

The smell of a vagina is what you smell after licking the back of your hand and waiting 10 seconds

u/User-31f64a4e · 13 pointsr/MensRights

Social Justice Warriors Always Lie: Taking Down The Thought Police by Vox Day <== A really important work

Propaganda by Edward Bernays

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini

SJW attack survival guide drawing on the work of Vox Day

How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable: Getting Your Point Across with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense

Google "verbal self defense" and a lot will pop up, if you are talking about 1-on-1 and small group contexts.
Google "influence" or "persuasion" or "propaganda" or "social change" if you are talking about large groups or society as a whole.

u/UnusAmor · 13 pointsr/socialskills

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susain Cain. Highly recommended. Changed the way I felt about my self in a very positive way.

u/Magorkus · 13 pointsr/AskMen

Here are two resources I've found helpful. Both of these were game changers for me:

No More Mr Nice Guy: The dangers of "Nice Guy Syndrome" (which you're obviously encountering now). It's not about becoming an asshole, it's a systematic approach to helping you set healthy boundaries with others and to start respecting and taking care of yourself.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty: How to apply the ideas in No More Mr Nice Guy to interactions with women you'd be interested in dating. The "pick up" community can be pretty trashy, but this is about becoming the person you really want to be so that you can attract the kind of person you want to spend time with. Great stuff.

u/davidecibel · 13 pointsr/Fitness

refer to other answers for calories. as for the cardio:

  1. quit smoking
  2. start doing cardio. begin with light jogging for as long as you can, followed by walking when you can't jog anymore to reach a total time of 45 minutes, start with 3 times a week. when you become able to jog for 45 minutes try to gradually run faster, and start doing it 4 times a week.

    Seriously, quit smoking. No, don't reduce the number of cigarettes. Quit. A copy of this book won't hurt
u/qctran · 13 pointsr/TwoXADHD

To piggy back on habits: The book "The power of Habit" is a great read. In general the idea can be summed up in this picture with a larger explanation. I'll do my best to explain.

Habits are created with THREE items.

  • The CUE.
  • The Routine.
  • The Reward.

    The cue can be anything. An alarm going off. Stomach growling. Seeing a picture of a flower.

    The routine is what you want to do. Getting up on time. Making a meal. Walking to the park.

    The reward is THE most important aspect of a habit. If you have no reward, the habit WILL NOT stick. The reward could be petting your dog. Eating a healthy meal with your loved one. smelling a flower.

    I'll use myself as an example. Almost every day without fail I would lose my keys right before I left the house to go to work, thus making me late for work. I decided to use hooks by the door to store my keys. Even with the hooks there I wasn't leaving the keys on them. Worse yet, I've left my keys in the door knob more times then I care to admit, and I live in a city. When I read the book I decided to change my habit to keep my mornings less stressful.

  • Cue: Walking through the front door
  • Routine: Hanging my key up on the door.
  • Reward: Petting my cat.

    My cue is self explanatory. I walk through the front door. The routine is that I NEED to hang my keys up on the hook. If I don't hang my keys on the hook i am absolutely not allowed to pet my cats (He always greets me when I come in). Some days I forget to hang my keys, bend down to pet the cat, then realize "Wait I forgot something!". Other days I'll hang the keys with out thinking, but in either case I always pet my animals after I put the key on the hook.

    The larger the routine, the harder it is to make it a habit, so break down the routine in to smaller habits. Create small changes and small rewards. Then when you get used to the idea of creating a habit go big.
u/sagemassa · 13 pointsr/guns

Lets start at square one, you may not be able to carry anything purpose built but you absolutely can ensure you have items that can be used to aid you in a pinch.

When I recently traveled to your country I opted to keep a couple items on my person...a tuff-writer pen and also a quality flashlight that ran on an AA power source rather than CR123's or something of that nature. In addition to that I would recommend that you have first-aid, a tool bag, and a fire your automobile if applicable. Once you have a set of kit sorted out that should be something that is always with you just like the new can-do-attitude you will be cultivating, none of this crap helps you if its back at home 45 min away.

Something like this will add capabilities to your tool box, and that helps solve one aspect of your problem.

The other side of things is how to train yourself to be more aware, this is however a life long process and it is a skill that will atrophy quickly. I recommend you pickup a copy of this book The Gift of Fear it details the human fear response and helps put it in context for dealing with day to day life...this book was really what set me on the tracks for being more situationally aware.

The other thing you should remember is just because you don't have a pistol on your belt, or a myriad of knives on your body doesn't have any impact what-so-ever on how well prepared you are to deal with a crisis, or your situational awareness. I have known plenty of people (military/civilian) who have zero situational awareness and are completely unprepared to deal with anything unless its explained to them in advance, using small words.

Once you have a basis you can start looking at some of the next steps. I think a great many people will suggest Martial Arts to you, and there is nothing wrong with that at all...if it is something you are interested in, you might also consider some medical training, bush-craft skills courses, mountaineering instruction, land navigation...and other courses of this nature, again its about putting skills/tools in your tool box that can be drawn on later when needed.

I hope this helps at at least get you thinking about how you can start to be more self reliant, and help be part of the solution not the problem.


u/shortc4ke · 13 pointsr/niceguys

There's a book people mention in r/creepypms a lot, I haven't read it myself but want to. It's called "The Gift of Fear"

u/f0urtyfive · 13 pointsr/Denver

Nope, had some anxiety (because of heart palpitations) and doctor suggested talking to a psychologist and oh hey we have one right here. Garden variety behavioral therapy.

No one mentioned it was $1000 an hour until I got a bill 2 months later.

The only memorable thing I got out of it was a recommendation for a book: which appears to be the beginner's guide to do-it-yourself cognitive behavior therapy.

u/mlwarren88 · 13 pointsr/AskReddit

Cognitive Behavior Therapy and keeping a journal. Maybe try reading this book. It helped me a lot.

Edit: Also, maybe try not following all of the advice in this thread about drinking and having casual sex. You may just turn into a sex addicted alcoholic.

u/spacecrustaceans · 13 pointsr/unitedkingdom

I am formally diagnosed with Personality-Disorder Trait Specified / Personality Disorder NOS - DSM-IV and DSM-5 criteria met. If you want to message me sometime you're more then welcome, and in the meantime I would start researching a therapy called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and possibly consider purchasing this book on Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills - it's the main treatment for those living with a Personality Disorder, and will teach you skills to better cope with what you're going through - e.g. radical acceptance, mindfulness and interpersonal effectiveness etc. Initially, I was doing Cognitive Analytical Therapy before they reached a diagnosis of Mixed and Other Personality Disorders and I did weekly therapy for around a year - they also supported me in applying for Personal Independence Payments, and Employment and Support Allowance so I could better focus on my mental wellbeing without the daily stressors of work and general day to day life on top of dealing with my diagnosis. Are you under the care of a community mental health team at all? If you're ever distressed I would advise you attempt to find the number of your local intensive treatment team and call them during times of crisis. In terms of medication, unfortunately, they'll most likely only give you things like Diazepam etc on the short term, but you also have the option to treat some of the symptoms like depression with anti-depressants etc whereas DBT will give you the skills to more readily deal with the emotional rollercoaster and help you get through those tough times. I had lost all hope at the beginning, and I found myself and still do find myself focusing too much on the future and what will be, and what won't be rather then what is, and what is going on TODAY, not tomorrow, but TODAY. You're unfortunately at times going to face stigma when people learn you have a Personality Disorder, as people tend to view us as difficult and that's not because were purposefully being difficult, but more so a lot of health professionals are simply not equipped to deal with us, and a lot struggle to come to terms with the diagnosis of Personality Disorder and what that exactly means. Remember, your diagnosis is a part of you, it does not define you. NICE (National Institute of Clinical Excellence) does not recommend the use of medication for Personality Disorders as can be seen here "Drug treatment should not be used specifically for borderline personality disorder or for the individual symptoms or behaviour associated with the disorder (for example, repeated self-harm, marked emotional instability, risk-taking behaviour and transient psychotic symptoms)." I myself will start doing the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy skills group come February 29th, and I am very much looking forward to being able to develop the skills it offers to teach.

u/notmyrealemail · 13 pointsr/datingoverthirty

I'm still not sure if your problem was with her actual phrasing or the phrase she probably meant to type. Try reading up, maybe. The Ethical Slut. Opening Up. It's ok if it's not for you, no need to complain about it though.

There are dozens of reasons I lose interest or let the conversation fade. Sometimes it's something innocuous that leaves a bad taste. Sometimes I realize I'm not invested at all and don't care how the person is doing/feeling/answers random questions. Often though, I just get busy and have no time to bother anymore.

One thing that has turned me off to OLD lately isn't even OLD. It's this sub and the constant barrage of people saying they've had enough of OLD. It'll never end. Forever alone. Ugh. Any kind of dating is what you make of it. Of course it gets to be much at times and people need breaks. Before OLD breaks were just being single and making yourself happy. Or being single and downing a bottle of wine during TGIF and sobbing a bit at Urkel. Now it's some big ordeal that we all have to whine about on the internet. I think I've just been spending too much time in this sub. It been a little bit daily for a while. I much more liked my once a week or less fill. /rant

Go commiserate with friends for a bit. Take the break. There's a whole ocean of people out there. But don't pick any of them, they're probably all dead.

u/autumnflower · 13 pointsr/islam

Well at least you know what's wrong. First step to self improvement is admitting something is wrong. So you're ahead of the curve here.

The door to tawbah is never closed. Tawbah doesn't mean saying "I'm sorry!" and then going straight back into doing wrong. It means a genuine regret and attempt to put things right. God (swt) doesn't expect perfection out of us and we aren't perfect, but He does expect a genuine and strong effort to do our best. Thinking about whether hinduism is right or not is not going to send you to hell if your end conclusion was it's not right and God is one.

You need to learn the power of habit. In fact go buy the [book] (

If you look at all your problems together, it may seem insurmountable, I recommend writing down a list. What do you want to change: Start with small goals and work your way through it.

For example, the number 1 thing that is a problem for you right now is salah. If doing 5 salat everyday looks like too much, start with the commitment to do a salat every single day and maintain for a few weeks. Focus on the getting the salat right, do it slow, contemplate the words and get into it.

Then add another and another every week or so, until you feel comfortable performing all five salat.

Once you have that down. Move on to the next item. Your parents. Your relationship doesn't need to be perfect, but make a commitment to do something nice to them once a day. Just saying thank you, I love you, I appreciate the effort you do. Buy your mom a gift on mother's day, and tell your dad he's a role model and you love him. It'll be the highlight of his decade if you say this, even he doesn't say much back.

And so on. Also, in your free time, explore ways to strengthen your faith and make it more enjoyable. Watch some inspiring videos, get involved with activities at the masjid, volunteer, join the msa once you're in college etc.

u/dsfargeg · 12 pointsr/TheRedPill

Narcissism and Machiavellianism never got me anywhere worthwhile.

I've been reading this book recently, I found it helps with women of course but basic interactions with anyone as well.

It's a great blueprint, it's more about finding and expanding your true Alpha self than using arcane techniques to pass off as an Alpha.

Don't be only invested in you. Be driven, invested in yourself but make a bit of room for someone else. Don't brag but enjoy sharing yourself with someone who deserves it.

Be interested in them but don't let that influence you. Don't be arrogant, respect their opinions but don't ever change who you are for them.

I used to manipulate others, now I'd rather be upfront. "You're trying to get me to do x or y, for your sole benefit? I won't stand for that, goodbye."

Don't dwell and plot in the shadows, expose yourself boldly and stand your ground. You'll save time and effort. And you'll feel relieved and comforted that you've stayed true to yourself and your values.

u/tronaldodumpo · 12 pointsr/TheBluePill

You might enjoy the book Attached.

u/sodabrothel · 12 pointsr/AskWomen

I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).

On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.

u/Redz0ne · 12 pointsr/gamedev

I'm going to give you some advice... Advice that every aspiring artist needs to hear.

For the first while you're going to suck at it. But if you keep at it, never accept defeat and keep pushing yourself you'll start getting good at it.

And art isn't a talent that comes naturally to some and not at all to others... Like any skill it can be learned and you can train yourself. So, if you face anyone getting up in your face about how you should stop or whatever, just tell them to eat a bag of dicks and shut the fuck up. (besides, it's not like they came out of their mother's womb with a full set of copics and a tablet... They had to learn just like everyone else.)

I don't know if this is really what you wanted to hear since it seems you are hoping more for concrete examples to learn from... But it's all I can really offer that hasn't been said yet.

So, good on you for wanting to expand your skills and best wishes!

EDIT: If you decide that you want to pursue this a little deeper than for a couple projects then I'm going to suggest that you look for and pick up a copy of "Drawing on the right side of the brain." ( Amazon Link to book. I am not affiliated, it's just the first amazon result I found. ) It's a phenomenal book that will really give you the tools you'll need to become an artist that a lot of those "how to draw" books don't cover. Things like learning how to actually see what it is you're drawing, how to draw what you see (and not what you think "ought to be there.") and how to actually understand on a deeper level the process involved in drawing/sketching/etc. which should really give you a leg-up in your pursuit.

u/Ozyman666 · 12 pointsr/pics

I found this book to be especially helpful in overcoming the tendency to draw what you think you see.

u/realslacker · 12 pointsr/AskReddit

"Nice guys" aren't actually nice, they just think they can trade "being nice" for sex. When that doesn't work out then the "nice guys" turn into unhappy ass-holes, while they watch the women they pine over fall for someone else. I know this, because I started out as a "nice guy" and had a lot of growing up to do to reverse the crazy ideas that media and society put into my head about how love and relationships work.

Here's a good place to start:

u/searedscallops · 12 pointsr/AskWomen

There's a really interesting book, Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. It talks about how all people have both a libido accelerator, but also libido brakes. Knowing your brakes can help you to identify how to change your libido.

u/OniiChan_ · 12 pointsr/subredditoftheday

The single best book (or audiobook) I recommend every beginner about minimalism is "Goodbye, Things". The writing is simple and direct. It's full of interesting insights and advice.

After that, read "The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo. Why not the main book? Because the manga (comic book) is easier and more entertaining to digest and goes over her main ideas just fine. While Marie Kondo isn't a minimalist, her methods complement it immensely.

And for the love of God, avoid "The Minimalists" or anything by them. Absolutely preachy, pretentious, surface level garbage.

u/BGumbel · 12 pointsr/Weakpots

My gf got me that book about tiding up. I'm excited to get our house clean and in order.

u/mike413 · 12 pointsr/declutter

Do people really identify with it though? I watched an episode where a lady had a cabbage where the outside was rotten but the inside was still "just fine". They were way beyond normal decluttering and into mental illness.

I think the japanese book on tidying is a lot more motivating.

u/thekryz · 12 pointsr/AskReddit

Try to understand her. This might be really difficult. I recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" ( and googling polyamory (I like this)

The decision she is forcing you to make sounds different than I would phrase it in her place. Probably she found out about her poly inclinations and values them. But she also values you and doesn't want to lose you. But as yourself I would ask myself: If I had just met this lady and she had told me first point that she wants to life a poly lifestyle, would I start a relationship with her?

Why am I saying this? Because what she does probably not want is someone who grant her the rights, but is totally unhappy with the situation. You should try to understand her and her new lifestyle and then decide if you can life with it or not. If you can, stay together. If you can't, tell her and see what's more important to her - you or her lifestyle.

Be openminded. I don't think that her position makes that little sense, but it's definetely not mainstream.

I would NOT assume that she has already slept with someone else - because after all she is coming out to you about this in an honest way and you should appreciate this honesty.
I think though, that she probably has someone else in mind.

For me the central question concerning this issue is about how you define love, in an exclusive way or not. Why shouldn't people be allowed to love more than one person?

just my 2 cents.

u/tunasam · 12 pointsr/sex

You should both read The Ethical Slut. Every topic you could possibly imagine related to this lifestyle is covered in the book. I highly recommend reading it and writing notes in your margins and then sharing your notes with your partner, and then reading hers.

From a personal standpoint, poly-relationships are very, very possible once you get over your own insecurities.

u/joshuazed · 12 pointsr/fatlogic

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the gold standard for depression and anxiety (and many other things as well). It works wonders for me. If your therapist does it, that is wonderful, but there are excellent books which you can use on your own. One of the core principles of CBT is that you need to work on your own to acquire skills to deal with your problems, reading and doing "homework" and mental exercises.

This is an excellent book, with a strong emphasis on anxiety. I recommend the paperback, so you can write in it (it has lots of worksheets).

This is another excellent book that I have.

u/Vampnemesis2 · 12 pointsr/introvert

Also check out this book:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

It's a good read for understanding ourselves and hopefully help your Mom too.

u/callmejay · 12 pointsr/getdisciplined

(Just by way of background, I'm a father of a young child and a person who used to struggle with discipline due to depression.)

Your son probably struggles with discipline because he has anxiety and depression, not because he's unaware of the fact that discipline is a good idea or that you would like him to be more disciplined. I'm not sure what good could come out of a discussion like the one you're envisioning. He already knows you want him to be more disciplined and trying to tell him that for the hundredth time or hold his tuition over his head as a threat is just going to make him feel judged, unworthy, and anxious.

Being depressed and anxious means that he already has a voice in his head that's constantly telling him he's not good enough, that he's lazy and undisciplined and that he's basically a worthless piece of shit. That's how depression works. And the way anxiety works is that the voice also tells him that it's completely hopeless, that all the things he has to do are too much and that he's never going to be able to manage. Also that everybody he knows especially his parents see that he's lazy and worthless, etc. So when you come along, no matter how tactfully you try to put it, and point out that he's not as disciplined as you like, you're just confirming all those horrible, DEMOTIVATING thoughts that he has. When you add the threat of withdrawing his tuition (which seems like a horrible idea anyway IMO) you're adding a whole layer of anxiety on top of that.

You need to counteract those voices rather than confirming them. He needs to hear that he is worthy, that he can do it, that he is accepted, etc. and it's going to be hard for him to believe that because he has a CONSTANT voice in his head arguing the opposite.

I would suggest that you take a different tack entirely. First, you have to really understand, deep down, that he's not just lazy or doing this to spite you or whatever. Things are just harder for him. Being undisciplined is not a choice he is making, it's a result of the negative thoughts he has because of depression and anxiety (and also that he doesn't necessarily yet have all the tools to counteract those thoughts.) Empathize with him instead of judging him or pushing him. He doesn't need a push, he needs acceptance and love and support.

Tell him that you are proud of him for the progress he has made and that you support him entirely. Let him see that you recognize that it's hard for him to do these things and that you empathize but that you know he can do it and if he ever needs help with anything that he can come to you and you will not judge him. (I wouldn't expect him to believe you at first, but if you mean it and you actually start living that way, he will notice the change.)

Encourage him to continue therapy and meds (assuming that's what the doctor and/or therapist are recommending.) Maybe you can very lightly suggest that he talk with his therapist about the kind of challenges he will face in college. Maybe you could give him a book like Thoughts & Feelings or Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy and let him know that you read online that it can help people who have anxiety and depression learn how to handle things a little better.

tl;dr: Less expectations and threats, more acceptance and support.

u/HeyitsmeKuangGM2 · 12 pointsr/de

Das war glaub der Sympathischste Text den ich jeh gelesen hab.
Ich kenn Dich nicht, aber ich würd Dich total gerne in Ruhe lassen und mit zuhenem Mund kauen, damit Du nen guten Tag hast.
Ich hoffe ehrlich Du packst den ganzen Scheiß.

Btw.: wenn Du Dir wirklcih oft Vorwürfe machst, check mal das Buch hier. Ist zwar offiziell zur Hilfe bei Depressionen, hat mir aber vorrangig geholfen mir nicht immer Selbstforwürfe zu machen und mich nicht vor mir selbst schlecht zu reden. Ich weiß, ich weiß, Selbsthilfebücher, aber für mich wars echt gut.

u/pianoelias · 12 pointsr/getdisciplined

Hey man,

You mentioned that you went through some pretty extreme depression. What kind of treatment did you get?

There are some things this subreddit might be able to recommend, but if you're still battling with depression (remember, there's no shame in that) it's probably over our heads.

If you haven't gone through therapy, it sounds like that could be a good option for you. Remember that there is nothing wrong with getting help. Probably you know that (since you're asking here) but it's worth repeating – getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

If you can't or won't go to therapy for whatever reason, I highly recommend you pick up "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. You can get the paperback for $6 on Amazon. I think learning about cognitive distortions will really help you, as I can see a few in your post. Even if you do go to therapy, the book is worth a read.

Again, remember that this doesn't say anything about your self-worth. It's just something you're going through right now, but you can work to fix it.

As an example of some things in your post:

>a few hours after I wake up I realize that I can't fix myself

Remember that you aren't broken. You can change if you want to, but that doesn't mean you're broken. I believe in you, and you believe in yourself at least a little bit, or you wouldn't have made this post. You can do this.

>I used to eat healthier, now I'm nothing

You are not nothing. You are a human person, and nothing in the world can take that away from you. There is nothing that can take away your worth as a human being.

>I have time, I'm just not using it properly.

It's awesome that you've realized this on your own. I'm sure you've been thinking through all of this a lot, and the fact that you've reached this conclusion shows some real insight. Lots of people will never admit to themselves that they really do have the time – you're off to a good start with this.

How can you start? I don't know where you're located, but Psychology Today has a simple tool that can help you find a therapist. I'd check it out and, if the option is there, look for someone that does cognitive therapy.

Outside of steps like that, take small actions. Even micro actions. Heck, the smaller the better. These actions should be easy to start and easy to finish, but finishing them accomplishes something, anything, towards making your life better. You can check out the subreddit /r/NonZeroDay if you need ideas (and also read the post that inspired the subreddit).

Baby steps will help you build confidence. They will help you prove to yourself that you can do things that make a difference. Plus, the results of those actions will help you level up your life all on their own.

That's what I've got for you. I hope it helps, and please, please don't hesitate to ask questions or PM me.

Remember, I believe in you.

u/Danakin · 12 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Maybe I'm thinking of a different pose, but I'm not too sure about this, Joe Navarro says in his book

> When people place their arms behind their backs, first they are saying, “I am of higher status.” Second, they are transmitting, “Please don’t come near me; I am not to be touched.” This behavior is often misunderstood as merely a pensive or thinking pose, but unless seen in someone studying a painting at a museum, for example, it is not. Putting the arms behind the back is a clear signal that means, “Don’t get close; I don’t want to make contact with you”.

so you may be perceived differently than you think? I'm not too sure myself, because this always have to be seen in context and many more factors, but I'm reading this book at the moment and the quoted paragraph came to mind, so I thought I might share.

u/FreakishlyNarrow · 12 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

I haven't read it, but Amazon and Audible both keep recommending it to me and I've heard good things.

u/slayerOfDangerNoodle · 12 pointsr/JordanPeterson

JBP advised somewhat against this on the PKA podcast and you can know why if you read the book "Influence" over the difference ways you can manipulate people.

The way the communist parties in china were able to convert american spies to communism was by sitting them down and having them write a paper on the good points that communism has. They didn't have to believe what they wrote, they just had to write it.

That's fair enough right? What's the harm in that?

The harm in that is that if you write something then the brain will tend to believe what you're writing is true. Hence, this is a very subtle form of brainwashing. Writing down the leftist ideology just becuase it's what your professor wants to hear might get you the grades, but it also makes you more likely to change your mind.

I don't know if knowing this fact makes it any less risky but I do know that you should be careful with this kind of thinking for good reason.

I think that you just shouldn't be in such courses in the first place because the topics that the social justice ideology are the most powerful in are also the classes which have the least quantitative and practical use. That's why STEM has been slow to catch on, though it won't stay that way for long. At the very least, if you're in a physics class then at least the exam is still on physics.

u/Rev1917-2017 · 12 pointsr/AskMen

For those that need to learn from a literal professional. Here is a nsfw video of Nina Hartley explaining how to eat pussy.

Take notes y'all.

For those who want a more scientific approach, there's a book called she comes first.

Breaks down the female anatomy, gives really solid advice.

Between that book, that video, and responding to my partners body (that's the most important key, be aware of your partner and respond to their body) I've never had a partner that wasn't amazed at how well it all went. Sometimes I tell them that I learned it thanks to a book and a porno. Sometimes I just act like I'm a sex god. Really I just know it's because lots of guys don't know even the basics of sex and so all I have to do is not be shit at it :D


Oh also, do kegels. And reverse kegels. When I'm going at it, I'll do reverse kegels, and if I'm about to finish, and don't want to yet, I'll pull out, and do kegels just a hold for about 10 seconds.

u/angelcake · 12 pointsr/Menopause

Your wife needs to get her hormone levels checked. Low testosterone can impact a woman’s sex drive too. Also there’s a great book if you can find a copy, she comes first. It’s both thoughtful and funny.

u/SpicyRedPhoenix · 12 pointsr/FemaleDatingStrategy

I dated a guy who had this book on his shelf: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

He was crap at sex but very good at oral. It was his only saving grace with sex. Maybe we should start passing it out.

u/RankInsubordination · 12 pointsr/Drugs

@ OP: Give yourself more tools to work with.

This book was recommended to me by my therapist. I felt stronger and more sure of my thoughts after finishing just the first chapter. In less than a year after reading it, I stopped taking my anti-depressants permanently. I keep Dr. Burns' book on my shelf, like a reference book.

I detest self-help books. This one's different. It's been in print for twenty years, so it's probably at the library.

u/bitingleon · 12 pointsr/exmuslim

you can still be happy and deaf.

if it s possible , i recommend go to psychologist who is expert for cognitive-behaviour therapy.

if not u can always benefit from the book below.just not read it like a novel, use it like an exercise book. do everything it says.

u/seeker135 · 12 pointsr/stopdrinking

@ OP. If you hear a faint trumpet, it may be the Cavalry coming over the hill. This book was recommended to my by my therapist. I have gifted many copies to friends and family.

First of all I despise self-help books. I have found many to be the long form of "First, lift yourself by your own hair".

This one is different. After finishing the first chapter, I felt better in a "Holy Crap! I'm OK! And it's going to get better!" kind of way. If you are capable of being honest with yourself, "Feeling Good" can help you get rid of depression (I stopped taking anti-depressants within a year of reading), lessen anxiety and learn how to protect yourself from self-destructive thought patterns.

It's been in print for 20 years, so it must have something to recommend it, eh? Check out the reviews on the link. But the book is probably available at your local library.

u/ci5ic · 12 pointsr/science

Many people, myself included, have used them as sort of a stepping stone to quitting. I think the draw is that the liquid comes with various concentrations of nicotine, and you can gradually reduce your intake down to 0mg juice.

My personal experience was that using e-cigs was kind of a pain in the ass, and ultimately, I was still a slave to the addiction, regardless of the nicotine content. It does not help, and if anyone thinks it does, just wait until your battery dies and you'll be scrounging for a real cigarette.

The bottom line here is that the chemical addiction of cigarettes is super super weak, and this is why even your hardcore 2-pack-a-day smokers who can't go 20 minutes without lighting up can sleep through 8 hours of withdrawls without a problem. The addiction is a matter of brainwashing into believing that cigarettes (real or fake) are something you need and want and that quitting means you're having to do without something you need or having to give up something that you want. E-cigs only serve to perpetuate that notion.

What helped me was reading this book. It took me two days, and after the second day, I went home, chucked all my e-cig gear in the trash and never looked back. I smoked for 18 years, and now I can't even take a drag without choking like a first-timer on an after school special.

For those who may be interested in quitting, here is a PDF version of the book. I hope it helps:

If you don't like the idea of pirating this book, feel free to pay for it or get it from the library. Personally, if buying/renting it is going to keep you from reading it, I'd rather provide you with an easier option in the hopes that it will be the difference between reading and not reading it.

u/Pufflekun · 12 pointsr/morbidquestions

PLEASE read this before doing what you're planning. I know it's quite long, but I really want to help you make the best decision here.

Have you considered dressing like a monk, and carrying around cards you've printed out that explain you've taken a vow of silence? You could become a real monk and actually take such a vow, or you could just fake it. Either way would be preferable to cutting out your tongue. And if your family doesn't believe you, so what? You can explain that you actually have a phobia of speaking to them (through written text if necessary), or not. Either way, they'll still think better of you than if you follow through with cutting your tongue out.

(It would be even easier to carry cards that say "I am mute" or "I have a phobia of speaking," but you seem to have convinced yourself that you need some sort of excuse, which is why I'm suggesting the vow. If you can find the courage to be honest, then do so, but I'm guessing that might be a bit much for a first step, given that you're planning to chop your tongue off to avoid such honesty.)

In the long term, you should go to a therapist, and work out your fear of speaking. I highly recommend Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Check out the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" to get started by yourself. I know, the title sounds like some bullshit self-help book, but trust me, it's legit.

However, in the short term, it sounds like you're obviously desperate for an immediate solution, so I'd highly suggest you try mine.

Think about your favorite food in the world. Do you really want to take your ability to taste it, and anything else, and flush it down the toilet forever? Do you really want to lose the ability to speak, or French kiss, or anything else we do with our tongues, if it turns out there's a cure for your phobia of speaking? (And there is; I just linked it to you.)

If you're afraid of speaking, the problem that you truly want to fix isn't that you have a tongue—it's that you're afraid of speaking. I know that it's tempting to take the "easy" solution, and that the mere thought of going to therapy and practicing talking is probably absolutely terrifying to you. But here's the thing: there's nothing wrong with being terrified. Phobias are scary by their very definition. And that's not even a bad thing. A novel would be boring without some obstacle for the main character to try and overcome. We all have our obstacles. Your obstacle is not your own tongue. Your obstacle is whatever warped thoughts you are having that make your tongue seem like it is the obstacle, and that make cutting out your tongue seem preferable to having to speak to people. You can fix those warped thoughts.

> "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them." -Epictetus

You are not disturbed by your tongue. You are not disturbed by other people expecting you to speak to them. You are disturbed by the views which you have taken of these things.

I know it's hard, man. I'm not exactly the epitome of perfect mental health myself. But the future you that seduces and kisses the partner of your dreams is just as much of a real possibility as the future you that has no tongue, even if it seems like that's impossible. And while it won't be easy to develop your social skills, trust me when I say that it'll be a hell of a lot easier than living without a tongue.

But if I can't convince you to do the hard part right away, then don't. Take that vow of silence, or fake one. That vow will be as permanent or as temporary as you want it to be. A month, a year, or fifty years from now, you might want to give it up, and you can. Or you might want to keep it, and continue to never talk to anyone, and you'll have that option as well. Take or fake that vow, and every future You will always have that freedom of choice. Cut your tongue out and flush it down the toilet, and none of them will. Maybe the You that starts the guillotine is okay with not having a tongue, but that You will stop existing when that present become the past. The only You that actually exists is the one reading the sentence right now. And now, that You has permanently vanished from existence, and a slightly different You is reading this sentence. You can decide to take a vow of silence for current You, but please allow me to speak on the behalf of every single future You when I ask you to not force each and every one of them to live without a tongue, from the You that's in intense pain and bleeding profusely from their mouth; to the You that misses being able to taste that dish Mom used to make when she wanted to cheer you up, but now she never bothers because she knows it will just make you feel worse; to the You that's lived an entire life without a tongue and is now about to die. You deserve the right to be able to choose to not speak to people—every You deserves that right. Please, let them make that choice for themselves. I know you will find this very hard to believe at the moment, but trust me: they will thank you.

If you've gotten this far and you're still insistent on cutting it out, at least eat the feast of your dreams first, while you can still enjoy it. Carefully observe the flavors, textures, and sensations as best you can—because if you do go through with your plan, your memories of what it's like to taste food will be the best you've got. Reflect upon whether or not that's a fair and reasonable price to pay for an excuse to not talk to people, after your last spoonful of your ice cream sundae.

u/The11thHerald · 12 pointsr/niceguys

They're probably referring to No More Mr Nice Guy, which is based around correcting Nice Guy tendencies. It looks like this meetup is actually related to this book as well.

u/salaryboy · 11 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

Posted this in my own comment, but good book on this is

u/aixenprovence · 11 pointsr/AskWomen

I don't care if 99% of candied apples don't have razor blades in them; if there's a 1% chance I'll get one with a razor blade in them, then that's going to dictate my relationship with new candied apples. Making me feel guilty about the 99% of candied apples that are totally safe doesn't convince me.

Speaking as a man, if a woman is uncomfortable being alone with a man she doesn't know, then frankly I think she's being smart. I don't give a flying fuck about a good guy's hurt feelings. Rape and assault, unfortunately, are pretty common, and bad guys act like good guys as though it were their job. Let's act that way.

If a woman can't form friendly relationships with any men at all, then that is a different problem. However, if we're talking about strangers, then yeah. Listen to your gut and don't be alone with them.

By the way, along these lines, I would recommend a book called The Gift of Fear.

u/CaitlinRenae · 11 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

That's emotional blackmail girlfriend.

Read that link, and then read everything else on that site.

You were not leading him on. He was leading you on. He was leading you on with lies about cutting, with declarations you were his only friend, with manipulation, wheedling, whining, putting himself first before you, and all his other blackmailing antics.

Does he need help? Absolutely. Are you a trained adult mental health professional? Fuck no. Does he know that? Of course he did.

Like you said, he was a lying, manipulative, using jerk. He can be that and still be in need of mental health services. One of these things does not make the other any less true.

Good on you for blocking, getting out, telling friends, and telling your story here.

Needy, manipulative, users will use good people against themselves. That is not the good person's fault.

Get on Amazon, order this book, and read it cover to cover. As a good person and a girl, it can save your life. Even if your future is with other girls. It has saved mine.

Now that you have this experience, you have a set of warning signs and red flags to look for in the future. And you will not tolerate emotional blackmail ever again.

u/hamishthedenizen · 11 pointsr/bjj

Maybe not what you were asking for but my 2c, I think you should read this book - Easy Way to Stop Smoking

I smoked for about 20 years. A friend told me, "read the book, you'll think it's a POS, and that the guy is an ass, but you won't smoke again". He was right, 18 years and counting, without any cravings. I've suggested it to several others who've had the same experience. Nothing magical, it just reframes how you think about smoking.

The book is well known in the UK, less so here. About the author

u/Kebb · 11 pointsr/books

For me, probably the best self-help book I've read has been Feeling Good: The new mood therapy by David Burns. Its a book focused on using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to deal with depression.

u/ballpein · 11 pointsr/answers

I wouldn't suggest you rush to your doctor with the question, "am I seriously depressed?" If you live in the west, there's a 99% chance that an M.D. will shove a multiple choice test at you, which may or may not come back showing you are depressed. If it shows you are depressed, your doctor will prescribe an antidepressant... which may or may not make you feel better, but it will definitely not have any real effect on the root of your problems.

I think the answer to the question, "am I seriously depressed?" lies in another question: does your mood have a chronically negative impact on your life? everyone gets sad from time to time, but does your mood interfere with your your relationships, or your work, or impede your ability to achieve your goals and take enjoyment out of day to day life?

If the answer is yes, then you should do something to change your mood. In my experience, the best way to change your mood is by working with a good shrink. You want a registered psychologist, or a professional counsellor with an MSW degree (Masters of Social Work). There are any number of people in the phone book calling themselves "therapists" or "counsellors" but those names might not necessarily mean anything more than a 1 or 2 year diploma, and maybe much less than that. Not to disparage those people, nor all the people they help... but personally I only want to trust my mind to the very best.

Anyways... any good shrink will be helpful, but I strongly recommend you find someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. CBT is not at all like traditional talk therapy... you're not going to be talking about childhood traumas, or whether your father gave you enough attention. Instead, CBT is about making very concrete changes to the way think and react to your world. For example, imagine being stuck in traffic... if you're like me, most of the time I'm okay with it, but sometimes I flip out and fly into a murderous rage... CBT is about identifying what's going on in your mind in the moments between 'calmly driving' and 'wanting to eviscerate the driver in front of you', and then changing it. In the case of depression, you'll be working on the thought patterns that are bringing your mood down.

Where I am in B.C., shrinks are charging around $140 an hour, some will work on a sliding scale. That might seem like a lot, but the beauty of CBT is it works astoundingly fast... once you find a good shrink, you'll see pretty dramatic results within 1 or 2 hours, and you might feel like you're done after 4 or 5... maybe less. I have pretty severe depression, and I keep it in check with between 4 and 8 sessions, a couple times a year. So I spend $1000 - $1500 a year on head shrinking, and it's the best money I spend... I would spend double that without a second thought. The payback in terms of quality of life is remarkable, and most people spend that much or more on car maintenance. And for your relatively mild depression, you may only need a few sessions and never go back.

Finding the right shrink is key... most will give a free initial session. If you're not feeling it after the freebie, don't go back. Make sure you like them and trust them and feel like they're earning your money.

Whether or not you seek therapy with a shrink, I highly recommend the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns [amazon link[( It's a CBT self help book for depression. Like all self help books, it's a little cheesy, but if you have some faith and go with it, it's pretty damn effective. It's bound to help you in some way even if you're not seriously depressed... might be the best $8.99 you ever spend.

u/thorface · 11 pointsr/OkCupid

I would first try to think about why someone would have such an obsession. Is it boredom? Is it a form of validation? What is the reason(s) for it?


Once the person thinks about the potential causes, they can take the next step and see what strategies there are for addressing the issues involved. For instance, if it's boredom, then the person better get their ass moving and start a hobby or get involved with groups/activities/etc. If it's constantly seeking validation then they should seeing therapist for a few sessions to talk it out or to read a book such as


Gotta figure out what the root causes are.

u/tk338 · 11 pointsr/casualiama

Wow man! That's some dedication to a friend, just please don't get hooked yourself, it IS extremely addictive. As a quitting smoker, it wasn't until I got the wheeze at night that I really realized I had to stop.

Sure I felt like shit in the morning, but put that down to tiredness. I put a bad nights sleep down to anxiety (which is from memory somewhere back down the line why I thought I'd try it), and a cough down to something just coming up... Just passing the blame.

Props to you though man, I hope he quits soon, for both of your sakes!

Theres a community on reddit for your friend: /r/stopsmoking
and they will undoubtedly point you to 'the book'

u/Cody_801 · 11 pointsr/SaltLakeCity

If you smoke and want to quit there is a really good book called the easy way by Allen Carr. Just read the reviews if you’re not convinced.

u/Agricola86 · 11 pointsr/vegan

Sometimes I think I've created my lifestyle just to be a bummer at most peoples parties: I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't eat animals, I would dance...but for the safety of others however, I refrain

But seriously, this book is pretty highly recommended for folks wanting to quit smoking and looking for a push, I've known several people use it to quit

u/spacemunkee · 11 pointsr/gamedev

So, there are a few books that I think all indie game developers should read that really have nothing to do with game development. However, they will help you understand habit and discipline. Really, everyone should read these books.

[Grit] (, by Dr. Angela Duckworth, Phd.

Mindset, by Dr. Carol Dweck, Phd.

The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

The ideas in these books and research behind them are very powerful.

u/spinning_jenny · 11 pointsr/astoria

I've been a smoker for 10+ years. Multiple quit attempts. I don't know if I believe in God or free will, but I believe in myself. I believe I can get control back. I am just sick and tired of being a slave to a substance. I've been going to therapy for a year and breaking down my thought process. I read articles on that breaks it down as well. I check r/stopsmoking sometimes. I went to a support group called Smart Recovery that deals with addiction generally, with no emphasis on God like 12 Steps. I started reading books like the Power of Habit to understand the science behind my actions. I recently watched a Ted Talk called "Everything you know about addiction is wrong" and it just really resonated. I keep a journal of the reasons I quit and my frustrations/urges to smoke again.

I kept telling myself: this will be the last one, this will be the last one. But it never is. And I smoked more and more. I made up excuses for months, then years and time moved on without me.

To answer how did I do it - Trial and Error. I fell on my face many times, but I'll just keep getting back up. Every time I get the urge to light one I ask myself - Do you want to live? Or do you want to be controlled by Marlboro Corporation? How many more years of your life are you willing to give up? Do you really believe in yourself? Do you really believe that change is possible? And I remind myself, ONE DAY AT A TIME. Just get through the urge at the present moment.

Why Quit:

Power of Habit:

Everything You Know About Addiction is Wrong:

Smart Recovery:

u/Gif_Goldblum · 11 pointsr/AskMenOver30

You're a "nice guy". Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and stop it. Just fucking stop it already. What's your problem? Why can't you stop? Because you're a nice guy.

u/llamanana · 11 pointsr/Stoicism

Why do you want to be more social? What do you want in life? Specifically. Write down the reasons, and write down everything you want for yourself - all the things you'd like to own, all the skills you'd like to have, all the people you'd like to meet, all the characteristics you wish you embodied.

Done? No, because you're an asshole. Go back and write them down. Seriously. I spent a fucking long time writing this post for you - I explain my point in several different ways, from different angles, because it's fucking important to me that you get the help you seek - you can take four minutes to write down some reasons. Open up your text editor and get to work, reddit will still be here when you get back. Don't get distracted. Do not trust your memory - write them down.

Okay. Look at those reasons. It's a list of things you want to be, do, and have. Ask yourself: Do you have the freedom to become, achieve and obtain those things, through your actions?

You were afraid to write some things. Maybe you thought "fuck a thousand people" was unrealistic. "Become emperor of my own country". "Go to space," "Own a castle," "Fly with the Blue Angels," "Be a real life James Bond," "Write a novel," "Be able to talk to anyone," "Start a religion," "Meet Daniel Craig." You're wrong, go back and write your "unrealistic" things down too. People have done them, you are physically capable of doing them. But are you free to do them?

Right now, you've decided to believe the answer is "no". If it were "yes", you wouldn't have posted, you would have just gone out and done them. Let's change that "no" to a "yes".

  • Take this test. Write down your score somewhere you won't lose it.

    If this problem is the one you truly want to solve, you must focus your attention on it and let nothing distract you. All things which might get in the way of you solving your anxiety and inferiority problems must be ignored, including some of your own beliefs, and including some things like Netflix and Reddit you would rather be doing because they're comfortable and easy. This will be hard work. You will feel incredible after it is done, and it will be done soon if you work hard. Do not waste time. Only through discipline can you achieve freedom - if you are spending time looking at cat videos, understand that you are removing the freedom to spend that time elsewhere. You will not get that time back. It is forever chained to cat videos.

  • Read this book. Pay particularly close attention to section IV.
  • Take the test again. Compare scores.

    You must not fear. There is nothing on the other side of fear except failure. Failure of inaction is much, much worse than failure through action: you learn nothing when you do nothing. Make every attempt to socialize in every situation, even if it hurts, and even though you will fail many times. Experiment until you figure out, trust that you will figure it out.

    Optimism will not help you, neither will pessimism - if you believe things will work out okay no matter what, or that things will go to shit no matter what, you have resigned yourself to the whims of a random God and decided not to act. Only activism will help you - the belief that your actions will affect positive change on the outcome. This is true for all things you want in life, including "how do I make friends", "how do I start a business", "how do I become President", "how do I get a job," "how do I get an A in this class," and so on. Strengthen your belief that your success relies entirely on your actions. Strengthen your belief that you have the ability to make good decisions in the future. Strengthen your belief that the worst that could happen is something you can handle. Do not fear boredom, isolation or embarrassment if they are in service of your growth as a human being.

  • Read this book. If it makes you feel shitty about yourself, that means I'm right and you need to read it all the way to the end, you will feel better later. Trust me and make the small sacrifice.
  • Take the test again. Compare scores.

    Seneca recommended taking brief periods of time to deliberately live in rags and eat very little, to steel oneself against the fear of poverty. In our modern era we have developed many new fears, all of which can be eradicated in similar fashion. Fear of boredom. Fear of isolation. Fear of missing out. Fear of hunger, fear of gaining weight, fear of being unattractive, fear of looking dumb, inexperienced, uncool, fear of not being happy enough, not having enough interesting Facebook posts, and on and on. If you have these fears, face them. Physically write them down, then write down ways to mitigate or prevent them, and ways you could recover from them if they come to pass. Realize that these fears are controlling you and limiting your freedom.

    Then it comes time to face these fears. Go out and talk to people. Find people that know things you want to know, ask them questions. Find people that do things you want to do, admit your inexperience, and ask for their help. Offer them something in return, and get creative - "I'll <help you with your math homework / trade you a bag of chips / get you that girl's phone number / level up your WoW character> if you show me how you <do this problem / throw a perfect spiral / make those cookies>". Do this with as many people as you can find, do not worry about making friends with each one, do not worry if they make fun of you, do not worry if they hate you - the goal is quantity. Learn from your mistakes, learn from your successes. Every time you fail to take the action - going to a meetup, going to a party, talking to a stranger, joining a group activity - you are restricting your own freedom.

    Understand: you are on your own. You can build yourself to do and be anything you want, it is up to the rest of the world to try and stop you, and they will fail because they are uncoordinated and lack self-awareness. The more you realize this, the freer you become.

    Further reading:

  • Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It's a classic for a reason. Do not mentally add "effective in business" to the title, it applies to all situations.
  • The Art of Seduction. It's not just about seducing women. Making friends, marketing products, attracting investors - these all share common skills which can and must be learned.
  • The Obstacle Is The Way. Because this is /r/stoicism, after all.
  • The 4-Hour Body. Learn about self-experimentation and planning ahead for failure. Develop self-awareness. Lose weight if necessary, build muscle if desired.
u/Mgtow-now · 11 pointsr/MGTOW

You should read No More Mr Nice Guy.

u/NickTDS · 11 pointsr/seduction

A lot of neediness stems from a lack of experience. If you haven't made connections with many women, you are likely to feel more desperate. It goes back to scarcity vs abundance mentality. When you haven't had any positive references, it's hard to convince your mind to be unattached (opposite of needy) from the end result.

Here's how to fix that:

Gain experience

When I started going out I just wanted a taste of success, any success. I tried to "win" every interaction and my motives were very outcome driven -- women could feel that. As I went out more and began seeing results, I proved to myself that I could attract beautiful girls. That an awesome woman would love the opportunity to meet me and that I had plenty to offer. It soon became less about "I need to win this" and more about "I want to meet some cool girls and have a fun time." When you're in that mindset, you're giving value and not trying to take it. This makes you a gentleman and far from needy.

Go out more, challenge your comfort zone every single damn day, and you will naturally become more outcome-independent and less clingy.

Prioritizing your needs

Do shit that you enjoy on a regular basis. Start living a life that makes you happy instead of trying to impress others. Say more silly shit to people and stop caring about every word that comes out of your mouth. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and be upfront with your intentions. Have an opinion and don't just be a "yes man" to women.

Honestly, the book that changed my life in that regard is No More Mr. Nice Guy. The first chapter alone blew my mind and transformed a lot of men I know.


If you need some more resources this "Nice Guy vs Real Man aka Gentleman diagram" and this article should clear things up. Also, what omokage said is a great mentality to enter any interaction with.

u/lurkyvonthrowaway · 11 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

It can be helpful to know simply because it gives you a course of action that would be the most successful way to handle things. And even if you don’t have one, dbt skills can help. Check out a green book called the dbt workbook - it helps with interpersonal skills and setting healthy boundaries.

u/intergalactic_wag · 11 pointsr/Marriage

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

  1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.

  2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.

  3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?

  4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.

  5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.

  6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.

  7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.

  8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.

  9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful

  10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.

  11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)

  12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.

  13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.

    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.

    Best of luck!
u/Joman0024 · 11 pointsr/sexover30

Let me suggest this amazing book that talks about just this issue. Emily Negowski wrote this book to women for women. Emily also wrote a follow up to this book. Breaking the stress cycle or something. It also comes in audiobook. Please check it out. This information is so key for us men to understand. I had so many issues with the “breaks” in my last marriage that it just drove us a part. If we have language around these things then we can communicate better on how to overcome it.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Also, female sexual boredom is a real thing! Dr. Wednesday Martin talks about this a lot!

u/Snushine · 11 pointsr/psychotherapy
u/brian915 · 11 pointsr/OkCupid

I believe the poster is referring to attachment theory, which is not gender-based but has more to do with early formative experiences.

I also "get attached easily" (anxious attachment, as it is called ).
And I'm hardly feminine and have plenty of options (and the experiences to verify it).

It actually means that you have to be MORE selective, to ensure you're not connecting with someone who is on the opposite side of the attachment equation ( someone who is "avoidant" ).

more info:

u/MoundBuildingNephite · 11 pointsr/exmormon

The existentialism is real in the wake of losing your worldview. All the pep-talks in the world about "go live your life, the world is amazing!" meant nothing to me. I didn't know how to move forward. For some of us, the loss is huge and the existential dread (with its accompanying anxiety and depression) is absolutely consuming.

Ultimately, the study of philosophy and the nature of existence was the way out and the door to a meaningful post-Mormon life for me. I read and studied a bunch of stuff, but the below list was some of the most helpful. I ultimately chose to go with a personalized form of stoicism to fill the void left by Mormonism. Others prefer secular Buddhism, etc. If you still like Jesus as a moral guide (like I do in a lot of ways), this is a great short podcast about Jesus as a moral philosopher.

Anyway, I found the below very helpful in my transition:

  • Philosphize This! podcast. Start with episode 1 and just listen all the way through. It's great and he even mentions Mormonism a few times.

  • The Power of Now by Tolle.

  • The Happiness Trap by Harris.

  • Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.

  • Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)

  • The Alchemist by Coelho.

  • A New Earth by Tolle.

  • A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.

  • What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.

    If you're interested in stoic philosophy as a replacement for Mormonism:

  • Start with this easy article for a nice overview. The rest of this blog can be helpful, too. For example, here's a great recent article.

  • This book. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.

  • Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. The Audible version of this is really good, too, if you have a daily commute, etc.


    Finally, it gets better! Take it a day (or a month) at a time and keep searching and you'll eventually land in a good spot! Good luck, and stick with it!
u/TweaktheReaper · 11 pointsr/IWantToLearn


As an artist, I will tell you what all of my art teachers failed to ever tell me, and hopefully help kick-start you into drawing.

First of all, as /u/Im_A_Nidiot said, draw anything and everything and draw constantly. It's hard to train your fingers to do what your brain wants them to, so just like exercising to become a body builder, you have to draw constantly. Whether it's someone you passed by on the street wearing a funny hat that you want to capture, or something you just dreamed up, always draw. If you can, draw for at least an hour every day. For detailed pictures that's an easy task, but if you have a busy life and can't just sit down and devote time to it, then sketch every time something comes to mind. 10 gestures or sketches a day will be much more helpful in developing the skill than just one or two occasionally.

Secondly, a big thing my art teachers wanted us to do but never explained why, was drawing still life or from life. Figure drawing, inanimate object drawing, drawing your own feet from your own perspective, it's all incredibly important. Why, you might ask? Because it builds a library in your head of what things look like. If you have a pile of stuffed animals, and you say draw one each day as realistically as you possibly can, then after a month suddenly you'll know exactly what that stuffed giraffe looks like and how to draw it in various positions, even ones you haven't drawn before. Same if you have a pet cat or dog and you draw it every day in various positions- you'll be able to draw a cat or dog from your imagination without much issue. So even if it seems trivial, draw from life! An exercise I would do is I would divide my work space in half, and draw the boring realistic object in one side, and then draw the same thing on the other side but with added "weirdness" from my imagination. If it was a pill bottle on one side, it would have an octopus coming out of it on the other. That helps keep it interesting and helps you expand your mental library.

And finally, once you start building your finger skills and your mental library, as /u/jus_richards already mentioned, I highly HIGHLY recommend buying Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. The entire purpose of this book is to train you to "turn off" your left brain, because it interferes with right brain activity which is what you use when you create art. Being an extremely analytical person, my left brain was always giving me fits whenever I would draw. Now I know how to quiet it down so I can draw, and it has done wonders for my work. If you are serious about wanting to learn how to draw, definitely invest in this book and do all the exercises.

u/SapientSlut · 11 pointsr/polyamory

pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut. Read it. It's basically a 101 guide to "what is this poly thing, how do people do it, where could I fit in with it"... there are a ton of other books on the subject (I've heard "Opening Up" is good), but that's the one that I know and love, and where I've drawn most of my inspiration for my poly relationship (almost 3 years now ^_^)

It's difficult to say everything that needs to be said in a concise way to someone who is just starting out, but I do want to say that you are in a great starting place - knowing that you love your wife, and this is something that you would like to know more about... that's better than a lot of couples looking to open up (or members of a couple). She trusted you enough to open up about her feelings rather than go behind your back and cheat to fulfill these desires... all of this is a good place to be

u/junebuggery · 11 pointsr/mypartneristrans

The thing about poly is that it is not a get out of jail free card for one partner to do all the gallivanting around they want to do without concern for the other person's feelings. To really work, it needs to work for both/all people involved. There needs to be communication and compassion. Ditching your partner at a bar to make out with some else is super shitty behavior, and not a normal part of healthy poly.

More than two is a great resource with tons of articles about polyamory that was super helpful to me when I first started exploring it. The Ethical Slut is a good intro book as well.

Edit: formatting

u/soundbunny · 11 pointsr/AskTrollX

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

u/PeteMichaud · 11 pointsr/polyamory

I'll be the voice of dissent here and suggest that you try it. What do you have to lose? You're young and thinking of leaving the relationship anyway. If you try it--really try it--and it doesn't work out, then you'll leave the relationship. It's a wash.

Polyamory is fucking scary, but it may pay dividends. I suggest you read this book with your SO:

Good luck!

u/LoveSalmonDinners · 11 pointsr/declutter

Check out this book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up
Easy read. Its really helped me in my decluttering process !!

u/Bitcortx · 11 pointsr/sex

plus this book , it's like the hadouken combo for cunningulus

u/waitwuh · 11 pointsr/legaladvice

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and kind reply. Honestly, I'm glad if anything I ever say ever helps anybody. I'm sorry I couldn't really offer any legal advice, though.

By the way, just on the off-chance it helps your dad, I found this book personally very helpful. I kinda hate the cover (so bright! And the title! Maybe you could rebind it somehow??) ... but it's not a bad price for something if it doesn't work out. For the record, there was at least one study done on this specific book that found it an effective alternative to antidepressents.

u/drmissmodular · 11 pointsr/entwives

Hang in there. It sounds like you're making the right decisions but maybe have some bad thought habits
>taking comfort in the dark corners

Can I recommend reading the book Feeling Good by David Burns? There are activities in there that will help you focus more on the positive & break bad though habits. It helped me a ton. My bad thought habits included things like I have no friends, nobody likes me, etc as well as having these fantasy "fights" w people. Not good, but it takes time to break any bad habit. Sounds like you're on the right path!

u/TiVO25 · 11 pointsr/introvert

I try to remember that extroverts don't know how to handle us any more than we know how to handle them.

Then, you can be snarky and tell them "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt", but that's not likely to endear you to anyone that doesn't already know you well.

Alternatively, you can keep a copy of Susan Cain's excellent book in your desk, maybe even on your desk, and offer to let anyone making these comments borrow it.

u/kidmenot · 11 pointsr/italy

Io consiglio vivamente il libro che sto leggendo in questi giorni: Robert Cialdini - Influence - The Psychology Of Persuasion.

Spiega molti meccanismi con numerosi esempi, copre anche quello di cui la ragazza cui fa riferimento OP è rimasta vittima.

u/Nefari0uss · 11 pointsr/introvert

Those kind of people can fuck off. This representative clearly lives in a bubble. Don't be ashamed of what kind of person whom you are. If a person is a friend of yours then s/he will respect your introversion. Now, yes, extreme introversion is an issue (as is with any extreme), but there is absolutely nothing wrong with simply having an introverted personality.

Now in regards for something more productive, I would go and talk to your dorm representative and attempt to have an honest discussion on why her perspective is demeaning, misunderstood, and incorrect.

I highly recommend the book by Susan Cain: Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. Introversion is something that is highly misunderstood and it is extremely important to have open discussion.

Edit: Spelling is hard. Added link.
Edit 2: Spelling is very hard.

u/akajimmy · 11 pointsr/introvert

This is something I've always felt, and had confirmed when reading Quiet. She talks about one of the common related traits of introversion being High Sensitivity, which sounds to me like what you're talking about. You're really sensitive to your "emotional surroundings" as it were.

The way I think of it is like this: if you had super-sensitive hearing, being out in the world all day would be a real trial. Hearing cars zoom by, constant chatter, etc would wear you out and you'd need to go home and get some silence to rest your eardrums. I feel that way about emotions/people. After a day or two of being around other people a lot, even just being in the office, I need some "emotional quiet time."

I also have the same reaction to awkward/embarassing things in movies or TV. My first strong memory of having that reaction was during the Mr. Bean movie, which I saw with my family. In many scenes, they were laughing uncontrollably and I just wanted to look away.

u/Jugglnaught · 11 pointsr/Anarchism

On a side note, the guy spear heading this field of study is psychologist and former military officer David Grossman. I'd recommend reading his book On Killing to get a glimpse into military mentality and how people are conditioned by states to be killers, and what affect it has on them later.

In a nutshell, Grossman states that only around 2% of the population are natural killers. The rest hold a strong aversion to violence, even when their safety is threatened. It's almost as if we'd rather live in peace than kill each other. Weird!

Anyway, the way you condition an "ordinary" person to be a killer is to condition them to respect authority, have authority figures closely supervise the individual, have a group culture where peers expect the individual to kill, and finally you must train the individual to kill in a realistic setting. In the Army we were made to attack rubber, human shaped dummies with bayonets, as well to shoot at human shaped pop-up targets on the firing range. Grossman theorized that using human-like targets increased the soldiers' firing rate (their willingness to shoot at the enemy) from 20% in WWII to 90% in US involvement in Vietnam.

Of course, Grossman could use this information to rail against war and militarism. Unfortunately, like many military peeps, he's selling out to the cops for an easy buck. Fucker.

u/FAGET_WITH_A_TUBA · 11 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Second this. The FBI's top expert on body language. Actual book title is What Every BODY is Saying

u/SmilyRedhead · 11 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Since he was taken in for possible child porn charges, I think you are pretty well off assuming you are out of his interest range.

By what you described, I think he does not remember you and has no actual interest in you, but situational awareness is something that I think should be an effing basic school requirement.

I got that book just to further my education as a security agent, but after reading it, people make more sense.

u/The_User_Abides · 10 pointsr/Entrepreneur

You may also be interested in Robert Cialdini

u/AnneThrope · 10 pointsr/IWantToLearn

this helped me out a decent bit. you may also want to check out books on poker (specifically those covering bluffs and tells) as well as videos like this, [this]( /watch?v=l_k-u0bldf4) and that. good luck, and happy learning.

u/llyev · 10 pointsr/getdisciplined

These two books by Cal Newport, one of the best authors on productivity and discipline.

Deep Work

So Good They Can't Ignore You

And also, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Aaaand, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

For mindset, I also recommend The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. It'll teach you to choose your battles carefully, although you can find most of that content in his site.

u/attemptingtobeadult · 10 pointsr/actuallesbians

It's for straight guys, but this book helped me get some confidence...and I've always gotten great reviews so......blush

Sorry for link, on mobile. But yes, communication, passion, etc. are key. As well as not focusing on the orgasm. :)

u/Emack76 · 10 pointsr/sex

Buy him a copy of "She comes first" for Christmas. Read it first yourself and then ask that he read it.

I hit a rut likes this years ago. Stressful military life is my excuse. In any event, the result was that my wife started to lose interested in sex and when we did, it was pretty lifeless. Eventually I realized that it was because I wasn't taking care of her properly. Emack was an idiot, don't be like Emack.

u/johndehlinmademedoit · 10 pointsr/exmormon

She Comes First

Here's a good guide to start with....

u/omgtigers · 10 pointsr/infj

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking was a pretty good read recommended to me by another introverted INFJ friend of mine. Although it isn't specifically about INFJs, it is all about the "I", and I came away with some new ideas.

u/vladimirpoopen · 10 pointsr/unpopularopinion

introvert here but far from wimpy and quiet. I'm fine with people I am close to and my definition of introversion is not to be annoying outgoing. I don't need to speak to you just for shits and giggles and don't come bugging my ass when I'm in the middle of something. The power of quiet my friend.

u/aequalsa · 10 pointsr/AskHistorians

'On Killing' by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman I found to be an extremely enlightening look at the effects of combat. Although the historical aspects are primarily from the Civil War forward(especially Vietnam), he does reference earlier combat. Touches on purification ceremonies(parades), the heroes journey, the travel there and back, and a number of other issues dealing with how societies have dealt with these effects. 5 stars. (I'm not a professional historian)

u/WhakaWhakaWhaka · 10 pointsr/sexover30

Gotta recommend:

She Comes First

This was an informative book and the info from it was very helpful as it made me more aware of my partner’s body and what works for her.

My partner at the time wasn’t having orgasms, and I hadn’t ran into that problem before, so I stressed about it and looked things up online when I found this book. And. Oh. My. God.

The knowledge is like the difference between driver’s ed and automotive engineering course; one shows you how to do things safely, the other lets you know what needs tweaking to get the engine performance up.

It’s also made sex more fun for me because I feel more comfortable and curious to help my partner with her orgasm.

Hope that helps.

u/mavnorman · 10 pointsr/TrueAtheism

Just in case, you're interested: A slightly broader theory is called argumentative theory. An easy introduction is available from

> The one thing I can't find is effective tactics to deal with motivated reasoning.

There are quite a few tests, but most direct attempts have simply failed. This makes sense if reasoning evolved to help us win arguments.

The literature on persuasion – the seminal book is Cialdini's "Influence" – uses techniques to build trust, first.

If this is not possible, don't argue. Just stick to educating your opponent about your position.

u/Bizkitgto · 10 pointsr/AskMen

Fight Club - It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything

Runner-up: No More Mr Nice Guy - take back your manhood!! Models is awesome too, someone mentioned it on here. I think these go well together.

u/evilnumberlady · 10 pointsr/socialskills

Describing yourself as a "nice guy" is a red flag for me. What people mean when they say that often is significantly different than what I would mean when describing a legitimately kind person. You didn't go into too much detail so don't think I'm bashing you here personally, I wouldn't really know. Just think of this as general advice to step away from the "nice guy" mentality if you really have it.

I like this book a lot:

First, you have to be able to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Not doing so is a disservice to yourself and people around you. You can do this kindly. You are just showing the people in your life how you'd like to be treated. Pay attention to who respects this and focus more of your energies on them.

u/huckflen · 10 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

It took me nearly 30 years to figure this out, and I still struggle with it.... but here's the deal. You cannot fix everything. You can't make the entire world happy. You can't do absolutely everything, even if you put every ounce of your being into it. You are a human being, and you are NOT supposed to do everything for everyone else.

I think it's exceptionally rude and unnecessary to tell someone who has perfectionist traits that they're insecure or scared - that's bullshit. My reasons for being a perfectionist are most definitely different than your own, and different from anyone else's - and there's jack shit to do with fear or being insecure. That's an unhelpful, thoughtless comment to make. I don't think you're insecure or afraid - I think your emotions are your own, and I refuse to tell anyone how they feel. I don't know how you feel, but I know feeling anything other than happy sucks.

If you're having trouble adjusting to changes in your life, you're unable to roll with the punches or accept the things that happen, unable to cope with things not being exactly as you think they ought to be or how you pictured them... I would recommend chatting with a counselor. That DOES NOT mean there's something horribly wrong with you.

It DOES mean that in situations like this, it helps to explain the shit that's driving you nuts and hear a completely neutral party provide feedback. Sometimes we get so stuck in the black & white view, we're unable to see the grey.

And honey, there's a shitload of grey. Very little falls into black or white. Probably 80% is grey. The problem is that it's frustrating, disappointing, and depressing to accept the grey. And the solution is changing how you handle the grey.

You can't change the grey. All you can change is your reaction. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

A couple of books I can recommend that have helped me beyond belief:

From Panic To Power by Lucinda Basset - seriously helpful in learning how to NOT flip out when things go wrong, how NOT to let stress overpower you, etc. Seriously helpful.

Secondly, I'd recommend Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. This is a really helpful guide to changing the way you react/think. I know it sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but I swear it helps - especially when you have trouble accepting things that don't turn out the way you expected/wanted/needed them to.

u/BonkersVonFeline · 10 pointsr/geek

Exercise doesn't usually work for deeply depressed and highly anxious people, because these things are usually terribly exhausting. Luckily, there are MANY other proven options to help with depression and anxiety. Feeling Good by David Burns has been extremely helpful to me, for example.

u/alienface_ · 10 pointsr/Drugs

Hi, this is, except in very rare circumstances, a terrible terrible advice. Pot is for when you're happy, using it when sad will almost always intensify the sad feelings. And that's not the worst bit.

Here are some anti-depressents that DO work.

  • 1- Exercise - any amount, just get out and walk.
    1. Music - music that's upbeat, and has a fast rhythm
    1. People- I know this one can be challenging, but hang out with people who care about you, and are fun, and it will help
    1. Fish oil - you can buy these from your local walgreens or pharmacy, take two 1g pills a day, they help reduce depressive symptoms, to some extent, and help with making your cholesterol levels better.
    1. This book - (It's FREE) 52 ideas on how to defeat depression
    1. This book - Feeling good, the new mood therapy - This book has helped more of my patients than medicines. (Medicines are rather useless in mild depression, and is of minimal use in moderate)
    1. Therapy - Not a psychiatrist, but a psychologist, or a counsellor. Many universities/medical schools have free clinics where you can see a student/trainee therapist for a minimal fee.
    1. Exercise. Did i say that already? Because it does WONDERS.

u/toupeira · 10 pointsr/introvert

I'm in a similar boat as you, but at the moment I don't have any friends at all and so far was never able to really build a deep connection with anybody (I'm 28/m btw). But one thing I've learned is that there's always hope, you're only doomed if you tell yourself so.

One thing that really helps with finding balance is meditation, read a good book about it and/or look at some online tutorials (looks like /r/meditation has some good resources as well) and just give it a try for a few weeks, and don't be discouraged if you don't get immediate results.

If you have a dislike for spiritual stuff you could instead read up on cognitive behavioral therapy, which is used to treat all sorts of things such as depression and social anxiety. This book gives a good introduction and has very simple exercises to get you started. Of course you could also visit an actual therapist, if you don't mind talking to a stranger about your intimate problems ;-)

Also, please don't look at your life as "empty", if you're anyting like most other introverts you probably have a very rich inner life, but just because you can't easily share this with others doesn't mean it's worthless. Just keep doing the things you enjoy and ignore people who think you can't possibly be happy unless you're socializing all the time.

I hope

u/over-my-head · 10 pointsr/selfimprovement

CBT is THE recommended treatment for depression, anxiety and OCD, and numerous studies have proven it is EQUALLY as effective for treating depression as SSRIs/anti-depressant or anxiolytic drugs.

(However, for severe depression, SSRIs PLUS CBT therapy is the best treatment).

If you can't afford CBT, start by buying the books Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns. They are the CBT Bibles.

(Only $6.00!)

And make sure you actually do the little work assignments in the book. Just passively reading will not help you.

u/bbsittrr · 10 pointsr/offmychest

>I had a really bad feeling.

And you thankfully listened to it.

This book:

>The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Says over and over again: trust your gut. It's tens of thousands of years of survival instinct.

Could it have been: van driver kind of sucks as a driver, and you knew that?

Or you know this group is too careless when together?

Something. When I read the title, I thought it would be people drank so much they ended up in the hospital.

You were right to trust your gut instinct, or your premonition, or whatever it was. Doesn't matter, you're not dead.

u/Deradius · 10 pointsr/AskReddit

There is no point in calling him up and making noises at him. All that will do is give him attention - which is, at least in part, what he wants. If you call him, he knows she's got her talking about him and thinking about him. Don't give him that satisfaction - it will encourage him to come back for more.

The best way for her to deal with this is to avoid contact with him and not give him any incentive to keep pushing this.

She should probably notify her manager about the situation. Something like, "This creeper keeps coming through my line and trying to talk to me - I try to move him through as professionally as possible, and I think I can handle it, but I'm just letting you know in advance in case it becomes an issue."

If possible, she should not be there when he wants to check out - someone else should be.

I know that's not realistic, though, so if he goes through her line, she should just be polite, professional, and stick to the script.

"Hello, thank you for shopping at Staples. Do you have a reward club card?"

"Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all night, bay-bay."

"That will be $27.35. Debit or credit?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"

"That will be $27.35. Debit or credit?"

"I wish that I was cross-eyed girl, so I could see you twice."

"That will be $27.35. Debit or credit?"

(Repeat until he pays, or at some point ask him to move along so that other customers may be served.)

"Have a good day, sir. Thank you for shopping at Staples." (Next customer)

At some point, if he can't get any response out of her, he's either going to flip out and get removed from the store or go away.


Additionally, she should park her vehicle in a well lit area in front of the store. When she leaves work, she should consider walking out with other employees. Call your local police or Sheriff's department to see if they offer rape aggression defense courses. She might wish to consider purchasing and becoming proficient with pepper spray or (if her moral outlook, preferences, and philosophy are compatible) firearms.

I would recommend that you and she both purchase and read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

Good luck!

u/ninasayers21 · 10 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If dropping hints doesn't work then you need to work on being more assertive.

"Hey, I'm really busy and can't chat"

"Hey, I have a lot of work to do and these chats throw me off"

I think you can say these things with an friendly tone, but still be assertive.

Also don't ever be apologetic for having an uneasy feeling about someone. Trust your gut, it's signaling you for a reason.

eta: OP, to combat the other pretty ignorant post which implies that you are overreacting and would be "a massive dick" for saying anything... check out this book, called The Gift of Fear. There is a biological reason that certain people make you feel uncomfortable.

u/ImmortanJane · 10 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Pay no attention to them. Too often we don't we don't listen to our gut when it comes to situations like this. I recommend reading The Gift of Fear. Stay sexy, don't get murdered.

u/Mox_Ruby · 10 pointsr/Marriage

You are a pushover and your wife is world class bitch. Your such a nice man your not even capable to use the language required to tell us how she really is.

You have to be a level 99 thundercunt for a business to turn away money from a customer.

Your problem is your wife is a terrible person and steam rolls over your boundaries because you have a spine like a udon noodle.

Shes incharge of your life. Over.

Prescription one.

Perscription two

Read them both.

u/erki · 10 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

YES! Congrats, so excited for you! I made this same decision 3 years ago (after smoking for ~10yrs), and can honestly say it was one of the best decisions of my life. Just get through those first 3 weeks and you're home free. Haven't had a craving for years, and that voice inside my head constantly telling me I'm a fucking idiot for smoking has long since been silenced. I mean, it still tells me I'm a fucking idiot for a whole host of other reasons, but not for smoking!

You seem to have managed to quit all on your own willpower, which is something you should be very proud of. However, if you do find yourself faltering or like it's too hard, I cannot recommend Alan Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Smoking enough. It is the only no bullshit method I've come across and it really really works.

Keep it up, you have no idea how good you're going to feel once you get over this!

Pro tip: Don't say "I can't smoke" or "I'm quitting", instead say "I don't smoke" and "I have quit.", especially when you're talking to yourself. If you say "I can't" you're telling yourself that you aren't allowed to do something. Which is something we're hard-wired to argue against. If, instead, you say "I don't", you are reinforcing the personality trait of someone who does not smoke. You are reminding yourself of who you are now — a non-smoker.

u/sterlingag · 10 pointsr/stopsmoking

Read [Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking] ( Someone said on this subreddit, it did some "vudu" magic and he quit. I picked up the book, read it over a couple of days. I'm now almost at a week without nicotine, much much easier this time than previous attempts. I've smoked my last cigarette.

Good luck!!

u/Seber · 10 pointsr/selfimprovement

Stop fapping, and even more so stop porn. It wires your brain to seek instant gratification, which is not what studying can give you. You might want to give up gaming and the Facebook newsfeed too, everything that consists of short action-reward-circuts.

Interesting reads: Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson ($5 Kindle), and The Power Of Habit by Charles Duhigg ($9 Kindle).

Edit: Added links

u/jgi · 10 pointsr/simpleliving

Absolutely. I'm glad you asked and I hope I can be helpful.

I know it can be very difficult to stop consumerism within us because we've been advertised to our entire lives. We've been told that material possession equates to success and self-worth. The more we have, the better we are. You and I can read these sentences I wrote and recognize how stupid that idea is. Yet, advertising is so good that even the knowledge that we're being advertised to doesn't always prevent that same advertising from working on us. Advertising is based on exploiting human psychology. That's why it works. Just know that it's very difficult to ignore advertising on a subconscious level. We're only human. We will fail. We will make mistakes. Recognizing all this is a good first step.

It's important to practice desiring less. When you want something, stop yourself and think about it. Think about your motivations. Why do you want it? Is there a real justification for acquiring something? Is it a true need, or just a want? If it's simply a want, well, tell yourself you want it but you don't need it and move on. Try to thwart the desire for that thing at the source. Desire for a thing is like sexual lust... it's only human to feel that way, but you don't need to act on it.

It's a constant practice, desiring less. It's difficult. Possibly the most difficult thing a human can do. But desire leads to disappointment and suffering. Desire is temporary, but if we play that desire out to its end, often times the fruits of that desire can be disappointing and longlasting. But if you don't need something, if you don't desire, you're that much more free... "Nah, I don't need that." You become unflappable. More in control. But don't kid yourself... it's hard. Keep practicing.

If you're looking to get rid of stuff you already have that isn't bringing you happiness, I recommend Marie Kondo's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up." It's become quite a popular book and for good reason. It really makes you think about why you have stuff and how that stuff functions in your life.

If you want to work on internalizing the idea of desiring less, take a look at /r/buddhism. It's important that if you start reading Buddhist texts that you realize that Buddhism is more of a philosophy than a religion. Buddhism's main tenant is "freedom from desire is the path to enlightenment." It's a very deep rabbit hole to go down and a lifetime of study. For a more modern take on Buddhist teaching, I love Pema Chodron. I also really love Anthony DeMello and Jiddu Krishnamurti.

Another great place to look is /r/stoicism and in particular "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius. Aurelius was emperor of Rome, but that didn't stop him from living a life of equanimity and mindfulness. His book "Meditations" is more like a private diary, in which he reminds himself on how to live a good life.

“We need to master the art of acquiescence. We need to pay attention to our impulses, making sure they don’t go unmoderated, that they benefit others, that they’re worthy of us. We need to steer clear of desire in any form and not try to avoid what’s beyond our control.” -- Meditations, 11.37 (Hays translation)

I hope that this stuff can get you started on your journey. Just know that you don't need to be perfect. You don't need to flip a switch and completely change who you are to be a success at any of this. It's a process and it's a practice. Failure is okay. Don't beat yourself. Just try. Just keep practicing this stuff every day and it will add up. You can do it.

u/antilocapra · 10 pointsr/femalefashionadvice

I found the Konmari method in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up to be very helpful. It was therapeutic to accept that it's okay to get rid of things that don't make you feel good (or "spark joy") when you wear them.

I had several dresses that were basically new, with the tags still on, but didn't fit quite right... I was holding onto them with a sense of optimistic potential (maybe someday I'll get them altered, maybe after I lose some weight they will work, it seems like such a waste to get rid of them). After I Konmari-ed my closet it felt like a weight was off my shoulders and I could actually see the clothes I wanted to wear!

For old clothes -- I had been keeping a lot of old shirts that used to look great, so I had almost sentimental attachments to them, but I hadn't worn them in years. The Konmari perspective is that if they felt good and worked well in the past, then they have done their job. It's okay to let them go if you don't enjoy wearing them anymore.

u/Mispict · 10 pointsr/datingoverthirty

I've recommended this book about a billion times, sorry if it's getting boring.

I'm very anxious in relationships. I drove myself mad with a new guy in January and wanted to stop doing it to myself. Some internet reading led me to attachment theory in adults and eventually the book. I can't recommend it enough.

u/alittlelessobvious · 10 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

You seem really frustrated and I feel like I actually have some useful information to offer, so I'm sorry if this feels obnoxious, but hopefully you'll gain something from it.


I'm the low libido one in my relationship. I had a lot of "serious talks" with my husband about it over the years. He wants more. I want to want more, but don't know how. I convince myself I'll make it happen. Do all kinds of things like get sexy underwear and wear them daily so I'm reminded to think about sex. We have subtle signals for "I want to have sex today" so we don't have to tell each other "Want some sex?" shit like that. It bothers me when my husband tries to initiate while I'm trying to take care of things that have to be done. I ask him to stop. Etc. and so on.


The issue was that we were misidentifying the problems involved. Yeah, all that stuff was true, but it wasn't *the* issue. I needed therapy. Like, a shit ton of it. I have a history of sexual trauma and it has my relationship with sex all fucked up. Besides that, I've been with my husband for ~15 years and all the habits and resentment and fear we have with each other around sex have been building and reinforcing themselves in cycles for that whole time. So trying to come up with these small solutions when the problems were much deeper, ingrained emotional shit, made no real difference, and we were stuck in our useless, frustrating cycles.


I'm not saying your husband has sexual trauma. He might, he might not. He may be ace or depressed like another commenter said, but it's a big assumption to say it has to be one of those. It may just be that he has low libido. But if he really wants to change and it's not working, it's possible there's a deeper issue you guys are missing. And if you keep trying to solve the small problems, you'll never get to the big ones. I also really recommend the book Passionate Marriage for both of you. It's a little self-congratulatory, but it has some good ideas that can really change the way you think about your interactions with your husband, and maybe break some of those frustrating cycles. Another book that really helped me was Come As You Are, which is geared towards women but includes science that applies to men as well, and I think would help any low-libido partner get a handle on what's happening with their sex drive.


I wish you luck, happiness, and satisfying sex.

u/that_celibate_girl · 10 pointsr/sexover30

While you are waiting for the therapist, perhaps the book Come As You Are could help her feel more at ease with her own sexuality.

It's too soon to jump to the conclusion that you are technically inept. If she does not know how her own body works, there is no way for her to guide you to being the partner she needs. Support and encourage her while she figures herself out, and hopefully she will get to a place where she can tell, and show, you what she needs.

u/kindall · 10 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards

Edit to add:

u/mfskarphedin · 10 pointsr/self

I have...had?...BPD. Long-short, I never thought I'd ever get better, especially after 2 years of individual DBT therapy that did nothing. Finally learned there is no such thing as individual DBT and joined a group. After almost 2 years of the group and then continued individual DBT support, it's amazing the changes in my life. BPD is curable!

I know the problem from both being the one with BPD and having to remove from my life someone with BPD for my own sanity. It's a shitty thing to deal with from both ends. You don't need anyone to center yourself and your recovery around; you are the center of your own universe. Find a DBT group and give it a try.

BTW, I'm 40 years old and was diagnosed in my early 30s. I lost my soulmate over this, but I'll live. You'll live, too.

You can try this workbook for the time being to tide you over. I like McKay much more than Linehan.

Oh, I read through some comments before submitting. Yeah, find a therapist, not a psychiatrist. Shrinks are just pushers where I live. If you need meds, ok, but for therapy, your best bet is to not count on them for much in the way of patience. BPD times a lot of time, understanding, and SKILL to overcome!

u/Pithong · 10 pointsr/relationships

>"walk on eggshells"

You can't know without professional diagnosis, of course, and everyone hates an armchair psychologist.. but you using the words 'walking on eggshells' and your father doing a 180 and taking offense to the smallest things sounds exactly like borderline personality disorder.

But you seem like a well rounded kid (lol as if we can tell from a few paragraphs?), so I wouldn't think you were raised by someone with BPD.

u/RedRiding · 10 pointsr/relationships

I'm not saying this to diagnose your mom, but rather to direct you to some literature that might get you some support and potentially help you understand some of her behaviors. I'm in a similar situation with my mom, and a counselor at my university recommended the following two volumes (I found them at my library, but ended up buying them since they were so useful to me):

  1. "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality," and
  2. "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder."

    Whatever you decide to do - cut her out of your life, enforce strict boundaries, or simply build a better support network for yourself - I wish you luck. It's not an easy road, but making sense of that kind of behavior helped me cope immensely.
u/ToastPop · 10 pointsr/Meditation

Check out The Power of Now, it's wildly popular and exactly along the lines of what you're describing.

u/RoamingTyro · 10 pointsr/sex

The one part of your post that jumped out at me was not what you went to (the taboo) but why you went to it: Stress.

"During my weekend all I did with the majority of my time was stress and masturbate.

I'll echo the others replies in regards to fantasy vs reality. What I'll add (though, to be fair, I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating) is this: Breathe.

Consider picking up a book or two in between masturbation sessions that will teach you about a) stress and how it acts upon your body and b) how to learn to live with your stressful thoughts by observing them and letting them go.
Some things to get you started and may I suggest you get a free Audible download for #1 to get you going:

  1. [Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski] (

  2. [The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle] ( or any other book or podcast or program that introduces you to mindfulness in an approachable manner.

    Good luck.
u/GracefullyToxic · 10 pointsr/CPTSD

In my experience, that kind of fragile emotionality has a lot to do with how a lifetime of abuse breaks down a persons emotional resilience. The good news is, you can actually do a lot to increase your own emotional resilience! This article explains how trauma affects our resilience and what we can do to improve it. On top of the suggestions in that article, I’ve found that mindfulness exercises go a long way towards increasing resilience, especially coupled with DBT workbooks like The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook which helps you to improve your mindfulness, emotional regulation and distress tolerance, and distress tolerance especially is a large part of increasing resilience. ❤️

u/mxtery · 9 pointsr/randomacts

This workbook on Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills.

I'm a survivor of severe abuse, and as such, have PTSD and borderline personality disorder. Recently, everything has been very very difficult and I've been trying my best to learn skills to cope with life.

I've heard good things about this workbook and I would love to have as many resources as possibly as I work on recovery.

EDIT: spelling error.

u/licked_cupcake · 9 pointsr/exmormon

> He bragged about his new love conquest and tried to make me jealous. I asked him questions and acted calmly. I know it really upset him. He wanted to make me cry and hurt. He loved seeing me in pain.

So familiar. It's like they take their moves out of the same playbook.

>I know it's for the best, I'm still trying to accept that none of it was real. I can't view him as a human.

>I don't know how much is the mental illness and how much is actually him.

Such a complicated question! Because it's a question of empathy - whether he is capable of empathy (which, in my mind, is what defines our humanity) and whether he deserves your empathy.

On the first question, I struggled with this for a long time. At times he seemed so sincere with wanting to do right and regretting the pain he caused. Yet he continued to consistently do things that he knew would hurt me, and sometimes he would use my pain to manipulate me. Another theme was that he struggled greatly to pay attention or care when I wanted to talk about anything going on in my life - our deep, "bonding" conversations were nearly always on the topic of his struggles and how he was holding up and where his issues came from. If I tried to talk about similar things with me, he would either try to turn the conversation back to himself, or he would space out so persistently that I eventually would tire of trying to get him to listen.

And of course there's individual variation - a borderline diagnosis makes you neither a good person or a bad person, and some people have a greater natural capacity for empathy than others. But what I found, diving into trying to read about and understand the disorder, is that borderline empathy is there but not accessible to loved ones on a consistent basis. In other words, borderline individuals are so overwhelmed by the fever pitch of their own swirling emotions that they can't stop to think to put themselves in another person's shoes, their focus is too consumed by surviving what's going on in their own world. That, plus, they tend to have a relatively low emotional IQ.

But what we're really asking when we ask these questions is, whether it's his "fault", or whether we should forgive or excuse what he did. And that leads to some bigger themes.

A trap that we tend to fall into, those of us who have loved someone with BPD, is to try too hard to understand and relate. We want to identify the pain that is underneath the hurtful behavior, and reach out to that pain in order to access their more "genuine" side. They are, in fact, in a lot of emotional pain, and if we identify too strongly with their pain, we run the risk of putting ourselves back into a vulnerable position.

The bottom line is that they are fundamentally untrustworthy, because their biggest coping mechanism is manipulation. Borderline people have this terrible combination of feeling inherently unlovable and monstrous at their core, while also desiring support and connection to others. This is why they start off so brilliant and wonderful, then slowly morph into this dysfunctional, manipulative, controlling, abusive dynamic - the Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde transformation. Because at first, they are less attached to you so they have less to lose if you leave, also at first you don't know them so well so they are able to keep you from seeing their horrible core. Because of this, their fears of abandonment aren't yet triggered - you are less likely to leave, and they are less likely to care if you do. Both of these dynamics slowly shift during the course of the relationship - they get more attached and you become more likely to leave the closer you get to discovering their true "unlovable" inner self. As they feel this happening, their fears of abandonment take over, they feel like they are just waiting to be emotionally devastated. They feel that they can't just simply trust you to stay and to love them and to be loyal simply because you want to, because they are sure nobody would stay with them. So, they resort to manipulative controlling behaviors in order to make sure that they are controlling you and the dynamics of the relationship at all times - this soothes their insecurities by making them feel that they control how the relationship is going and whether it ends. This is why they can't tolerate it when they lose control of you - loss of control means that their fears of abandonment are about to come true.

It's understandable in a way and actually very sad/tragic, but that doesn't change the fact that their method of handling relationships is to cause you pain in order to avoid their own pain. They abuse out of fear of being used/abandoned themselves. And I learned that no amount of dedication and love and loyalty on my part could ever calm his insecurities. Trying to fulfill the needs of a borderline is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a water gun - except that the Grand Canyon has a bottom.

The second part of the question - whether he deserves your empathy. Yes and no. For me, it has helped me to begin to understand where he was coming from, and to feel sorry for him rather than to hate him for it. Because the truth is, even though he caused me a great deal of pain, none of that even begins to compare to the level of pain he has always lived with and will continue to live with throughout his life. He is spiraling downward and his future looks very bleak. I feel sorry for him.

What you want to be careful of, is allowing feelings of empathy for him to turn into feeling like you can "reach" him with your empathy and "maybe if we'd just tried harder or if I'd had this breakthrough in time, maybe we could have saved the relationship!" No. You couldn't have. And he can't be reached.

The liberation of realizing that there is a name for what happened - borderline personality disorder - and that everything that happened actually makes a certain kind of perverse sense when viewed through that lens - it liberated me from the confusion of wondering what I did wrong and where I failed. I finally understood that there was truly nothing else that I could have done, and that strangely enough, none of it was ever personal. He didn't reject me, because he wasn't reacting to me, he was reacting to his own inner torment.

The thing with someone with a personality disorder is, they are just not like you. Their approach to the world and the way they relate to themselves and everyone around them, is fundamentally different from you and me, in ways that we will never be able to fully comprehend. My downfall was that I was constantly trying to ascribe my own feelings and motivations to his behavior. I would look at the way he acted, and ask myself "What would I be feeling if I acted that way?" Then I would try to speak to the pain that I thought was underneath the chaotic behavior, to try to "reach" him. It will never work, because his feelings underneath it are nothing like mine. He is nothing like me. He is fundamentally wired in ways that are completely different from me. To me, that is the significance of knowing what his disorder is - it saved me from trying to find a solution to something that just "is", and it released me from doubting myself or what was wrong with me when I consistently failed.

I have two final suggestions for you. First is - a book! An amazing, wonderful, healing, profound, transformative book. Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason. I went to see a therapist while this was going on, and only discovered this book after the fact, but the advice and information contained in this book basically summarizes everything that my therapist guided me to do - and then some. It may be beside the point by now that it is over for you, but if you want to understand more of the legacy of chaos that this experience left you, there will be so many "lightbulb" moments as you read this book.

The second suggestion is therapy. I am still seeing my therapist to help me put my life back together and to develop healthy patterns/outlooks so that nothing like this ever happens again. She's been so wonderful. Borderlines strip you of confidence and leave you a shell of a person, I don't think anyone could come through a marriage to one without having some things to process in therapy.

u/misskinky · 9 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

I listened to it as an audiobook first which I actually liked a lot, since my library had the audiobook for free on the phone app. Then I bought it so I could take notes, look at the charts, and take the quizzes in the book. $9 for my used Amazon copy, $13 new

It's not only about the "avoidant" people, also has good segments on people who are more "anxious" about relationships, overthinking things, caught up in small details, wanting constant communication, etc.

u/turbodonk3y · 9 pointsr/gifs

I recommend this book for people who want to learn to draw. I'm no artist, but I love drawing things. I'm about 1/3 a way through the book, and I'm already seeing my skills improve simply because I'm learning to draw correctly. Instead of drawing an object, draw lines that connect to other lines and are in relationship to other lines. Then, suddenly, you have a chip bag.

u/puppy_and_puppy · 9 pointsr/MensLib

If books/audiobooks are up your alley, Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up was good shit.

From her Wikipedia page:

>Kondo's method of organizing is known as the KonMari method, and consists of gathering together all of one's belongings, one category at a time, and then keeping only those things that "spark joy" (tokimeku, the word in Japanese, means "flutter, throb, palpitate"), and choosing a place for everything from then on.

My family could be on Hoarders, so it hit real close to home.

u/piconet-2 · 9 pointsr/minimalism

I know right?! I've been reading Kondo Marie's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" and it's been helping me with the decluttering and putting away. And thank you, I fixed the links:

u/monochromicorn · 9 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Use the KonMari method! I didn't realize until I read this book what 'organized' actually meant: Link

u/coastAL_- · 9 pointsr/intj

It's trash and it promotes social interaction solely as sexual conquest, coupled with a borderline red pill mentality that's also trash. Erik Von Markovik is also walking cringe. It's hard to find anything relatively positive about PUA.

Some people will put Models in the PUA bucket, but it's also an interesting read if you want to detect more bullshit.

u/almostSFW · 9 pointsr/confession

I highly recommend reading a book called Models - Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson

In the book he covers different dishonest methods that men use to attract women for the wrong reasons, including the very same situation you find yourself in. If you want to stop doing this to women, start improving yourself so that you can eventually become the honest man you want to be in a relationship.

u/izjustsayin · 9 pointsr/polyamory

I think it's great that you're willing to look into polyamory even though your first experience with it was not so great.

I don't think that this girl handled her relationships badly, necessarily. She was honest and upfront with you about everything she wanted and did. She may need some time management skills and some general communication skills, but from your story, it didn't seem like she was unfair to you. I get how being told you are not her "main" boyfriend could have been painful, but maybe she was just trying to make sure you understood that her commitment is first and foremost to him and she wanted to be clear that she wasn't going to leave him for you. Some people go into relationships with polyamorous people thinking that if they love them enough, they'll be able to convert them to monogamy (which can happen, but might not too).

>I feel like this could have worked out if only I had been less insecure and not solely dependent on her for my relationship needs. Slowly I was managing to get rid of my jealous insecurities, and I even now question their rationality. I don't know that I could be in a poly relationship with this girl, but I can feel that it has definitely changed how I will approach future relationships.

You will probably never 100% "get rid" of jealous insecurities. We all have them from time to time. The difference for poly people is that we understand that jealousy is an emotion that stems from a fear of losing something. We will self analyze and work through what it is we're scared of losing, and seek reassurance when needed. Some people in poly have jealousies around their main partner, others have no jealousies with their main partner but tons with their secondary partner, etc. It's different for everyone, but it's important to get some insight into WHY you're feeling that way and go from there.

>How did you all come to be polyamorous? Was there some definitive experience, or did you just kinda know it was what you wanted?

I didn't know the word when I became polyamorous. I just knew that I had developed feelings for other people besides my husband. It started out as a sexual relationship mostly, but developed into more. We all thought that we weren't looking for "relationships" with other people, just sex with other people. Once we decided sex with just each other (I'm in a quad of 2 married couples), strong feelings of love developed. We decided to go for it, and research led us to the poly community.

You'll probably hear from more than one person, to read "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut". Probably the best books out there about open relationships/polyamory.

Edit: Content

u/RainbowUnicornFemme · 9 pointsr/sex

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

  • Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??

    I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)

  • Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  • Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.

    Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)
u/happenstanz · 9 pointsr/polyamory

Sign up for Okcupid.

Here are some tips for writing your profile.

Answer the questions, particularly the ones that involve agreeing with ethical non-monogamy.

Use chrome, and install this add-on, which will tell fairly accurately if a person is polyamorous by nature or not.

Wait. Hold up. We're getting ahead of ourselves here. Have you read any books give advice on how to navigate becoming polyamorous?

If not check out The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

When you're looking for ethically non-mono guys, be aware there are some mono men who say they are down for it but will inevitably cause drama or back out at some point down the road (either when they want to get serious or when you find another partner you connect with).

It's a good idea to ask about their experience being non-mono. Also, ask what kind of rules they might expect to put in place for their partners (hint, it's kind of a trick question).

There are plenty of caring, communicative, and loving men out there looking for poly ladies but it may take some time to figure out the process and learn exactly what type of situation you want to be a part of. Good luck.

u/TheOnlyCaveat · 9 pointsr/vegan

>I'm attempting to live a more minimalist lifestyle. I feel kinda burdened with clutter, and I know there are so many others that feel the same way, and want to start getting rid or donating some of it.

Ugh, I feel you! I HIGHLY recommend the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It is a short book (also available on audiobook) and it will change your life. Seriously. My home is soooooo much nicer now, even with two kids with tons of toys, our little house doesn't feel like there's too much stuff.

Thanks again for taking the time to do this, /u/VeganMinecraft!

u/Ophelia_Bliss · 9 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

This isn't trouble! There is nothing wrong with you! Most women do not come from vaginal penetration alone. You are not defective! (And it's possible some of those other women were faking orgasm, which is a thing some women do, you know?)

I'm sure you all can have a lot of fun exploring this, but it needs to start from loving yourself, and your husband loving you, not from a place of thinking there's something wrong with you.

A few books that might help you learn to love your body and your sexuality:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier

u/MiaAlgia · 9 pointsr/sex

I've seen a few guys post on here women can't have an orgasm from sex :-| One comment was, "Just focus on yourself getting off, women can't get off from sex anyway. WTF. Women appear to be losing ground.

Clearly more research needs to be done on the subject, but then the information needs to be shared.

Current we have

u/kittenmittens4865 · 9 pointsr/VeganForCircleJerkers

I was very suicidal several years back, but this was before going vegan. Medication and therapy saved me. I also almost died in a car accident. Almost losing my life made me appreciate it more. I might not always feel loved, but I know that there are people who would be hurt if I died, and I’m sure there are people who would be devastated to lose you, too.

I do now sometimes get feelings of “well fuck this, the whole world is shit, life is suffering, and everything is pointless.” But the animals need us. If all vegans stopped existing, there would be no one left to speak up for them. You have a positive impact just by existing as a vegan.

I highly recommend dialectical behavior therapy, aka DBT, to anyone dealing with mental health issues. It teaches you coping skills to navigate overwhelming emotions. My (expensive) intensive therapy program used the handbook/workbook I linked to below. This really, really helped me, and I still use those skills today. I provided an Amazon link, but I’ve also seen it online at Barnes and Noble, and you may be able to find a free pdf online.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.

u/narakhan · 9 pointsr/rational

Don't know specifics of what you're after, so I'll shotgun you with links:

u/smogmog · 9 pointsr/SocialEngineering

i would be very surprised if that worked. people all have a sense of someones status in their heads. if someone tries to cheat and change their statuts without approval of the group they will penalize that. They will bully, gossip, hate, and that's not what you want either.

Here is a good (awesome!) social psychology lecture that explains how group status works: link.

The high status people in your group want to keep their high status. If you want to change your status you have to do it very slowly and carefully.
For example:

  • behave like a cool person
  • use reciprocity and ben frenklin effect to increase the groups liking for you (reciprocity increases liking if you don't claim your trade-off favor). cialdini
  • slowly show more of a leader personality
u/Iskandar11 · 9 pointsr/SocialEngineering

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion

>Influence, the classic book on persuasion, explains the psychology of why people say "yes"—and how to apply these understandings. Dr. Robert Cialdini is the seminal expert in the rapidly expanding field of influence and persuasion. His thirty-five years of rigorous, evidence-based research along with a three-year program of study on what moves people to change behavior has resulted in this highly acclaimed book.

u/thirdfounder · 9 pointsr/TrueReddit

> manipulating the process

who isn't manipulating the process? Gitlin certainly would like to, hopes the press will, and believes they can -- this is a pretty clear advocacy piece, is it not? read the final sentence should you have any doubt:

> If they don’t put down their softballs, if they don’t stop letting simple-minded questions substitute for serious exploration, they’ll share responsibility for enabling — and helping elect — President Donald J. Trump.

so let's not pretend objectivity is the goal. it is what Gitlin presumes is a convenient means to his desired end.

but that's where he is wrong. he either does not understand how influence works or is pretending not to.

as others have noted: "Facts don’t necessarily have the power to change our minds. In fact, quite the opposite." that's what the science says, and it's dead right.

it's also something dyed-in-the-wool journalists have known since the dawn of journalism. every piece is an advocacy piece, no matter what it pretends to be. and Trump is certainly keenly aware of that truth, even if Gitlin isn't.

u/jonl123 · 9 pointsr/seduction
u/itsthenewdan · 9 pointsr/technology

I thought it was interesting to see an item there called "Cialdini+2"

Robert Cialdini is the author of a book called Influence (clean link, no affiliate bs)

I read this book and found it pretty interesting. But I wonder what the hell the +2 means.

The summary of his main points in the book, from his wiki page:

  1. Reciprocity – People tend to return a favor, thus the pervasiveness of free samples in marketing. In his conferences, he often uses the example of Ethiopia providing thousands of dollars in humanitarian aid to Mexico just after the 1985 earthquake, despite Ethiopia suffering from a crippling famine and civil war at the time. Ethiopia had been reciprocating for the diplomatic support Mexico provided when Italy invaded Ethiopia in 1935. The good cop/bad cop strategy is also based on this principle.
  2. Commitment and Consistency – If people commit, orally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment because of establishing that idea or goal as being congruent with their self-image. Even if the original incentive or motivation is removed after they have already agreed, they will continue to honor the agreement. Cialdini notes Chinese brainwashing on American prisoners of war to rewrite their self-image and gain automatic unenforced compliance. See cognitive dissonance.
  3. Social Proof – People will do things that they see other people are doing. For example, in one experiment, one or more confederates would look up into the sky; bystanders would then look up into the sky to see what they were seeing. At one point this experiment aborted, as so many people were looking up that they stopped traffic. See conformity, and the Asch conformity experiments.
  4. Authority – People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform objectionable acts. Cialdini cites incidents such as the Milgram experiments in the early 1960s and the My Lai massacre.
  5. Liking – People are easily persuaded by other people that they like. Cialdini cites the marketing of Tupperware in what might now be called viral marketing. People were more likely to buy if they liked the person selling it to them. Some of the many biases favoring more attractive people are discussed. See physical attractiveness stereotype.
  6. Scarcity – Perceived scarcity will generate demand. For example, saying offers are available for a "limited time only" encourages sales.
u/0xdada · 9 pointsr/TheRedPill

Read Influence by Cialdini, it's the classic work on the subject. The first google hit is a Summary of it.

No matter what you think you know, if you haven't read Getting to Yes you are still in the matrix.

Your relationship to a woman is not an agreement or a deal, it is your experience of the effects and results of how you relate to each other.

Persuasion and negotiation are tools that enable you to set and maintain the terms of how you relate to people. Stupid people say, "I don't negotiate," which actually means, "I don't know what mistakes I've made." Some guys say, "it's take it or leave it," which is just one of many bargaining tactics.

Most women just use ultimatums and other tactics that reduce to bullying. Typically the hamster goes full retard when it is presented with trade-offs, but in RP terms, your BATNA is your frame, and there is a lot of subtle prior art written on the topic. See above.

u/rigabamboo · 9 pointsr/TrueCrimeDiscussion

What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People

u/looselyspeaking · 9 pointsr/IWantToLearn

To be honest, eye contact has more to do with how people perceive you (confident, shy, lying, nervous) than with reading what they're feeling. And these perceptions are notoriously unreliable. Body language, the hands in particular, are a much better guide to what they are feeling. Here's a great book on body language.

As to general advice, the main thing is to pay attention. We're absolutely horrible at paying attention to other people even when we nominally are. We routinely tune out, or start thinking ahead to how we will respond instead of just paying attention to what they are doing and saying. Next time someone is complaining about something, pay attention to the stress in their voice, how they're sitting, what their hands are doing. Notice the details. Don't lapse into your own thoughts. Don't start formulating your answer until they're done talking.

tl;dr: Use your eyes to control how you are perceived. Watch their hands to see what they're feeling. And pay attention.

u/Fuck_Dacts · 9 pointsr/seduction

What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People by Joe Navarro

Great resource on the things to look out for in body language. It made me more aware about my actions and noticing things in other people. My favorite thing to look at now is thumbs. They speak volumes.

u/darthrevan · 9 pointsr/ABCDesis

You are clearly speaking from a rough place in your life right now and feeling very low. I want to start by saying I'm glad you reached out to us here. A lot of people just close up within themselves and sink further into depression, but you decided to open up and communicate. That's very important and shows you actually have more strength than you think. Just wanted to acknowledge you for that before addressing your points.

First nothing is permanent. Your academic failure, your previous experience with women--yes, all that has happened and you can't reverse it now. But there is absolutely no reason whatsoever it has to be the same in the future. Your choices led to your past results, but change your choices and you change your future.

Many people who initially failed at things went on to become very successful at it. Michael Jordan was rejected the first time he tried out for high school basketball. You know why? They thought he was "too short". Think about this for a minute. Imagine if Michael Jordan said "You know what, they're right. I'm not like those tall guys. I'll never be a great basketball player, because I just wasn't born with the right traits." Imagine if that's what he thought! But he didn't. He decided he was going to work harder at proving himself up to the task. And MJ isn't unique, there are tons of stories like this if you look.

That's my overall, biggest point. Don't close the book. You have the power of choice, the power to choose differently and thus experience differently.

Now to your specific statements...

>At 23 years of age

Well right here, let's set something straight: 23 is still very young! Only on Reddit, full of kiddies, is 23 somehow "older" or "mature". I'm in my later 30s, and let me tell you something: I didn't know shit at 23! Like maybe a little bit, but the real learning started after college in the "real world". You sound like you're some old man at the end of his days who's realized "what the world is", but from my perspective--no offense--that's hilarious! I guarantee like 50%+ of what you think you "know" right now you will later realize was completely ass backwards.

>Some guys just have the "x-factor". They have been born with the ability to attract girls.

I brought up the MJ not being "tall enough" example before, but further: yes some people are just naturally more physically attractive given their "baseline" looks. It's ridiculous to deny that. However, and the ladies reading this can confirm this for me, that is not at all the only factor behind a woman's attraction to a man. It has as much if not more to do with how the man carries himself, how he communicates, how interesting he is as a person. You mentioned success later so I'll continue this when I go into that below...

>Should I hire an escort to get rid of my virginity?

100% no. That should be a moment with someone who respects you and cares about you. You're assuming no one ever will, but what I'm trying to point out is that control over that future is up to you. (Historical side note: Friedrich Nietzsche lost his virginity to a prostitute, and regretted it his whole life.)

>my lack of success. I have crap grades with no foreseeable future. No Indian girl in her right mind will want a desi man like that.

You have crap grades up until now, OK. But here's where your being 23 shows: you seem to think "grades" = "life". Only someone who's lived totally in the world of school thinks that. Yes you do have to get back on track, start fresh, and finish your degree. But your resume isn't going to show your GPA, so don't worry so much about that. Your college transcript isn't your "life" transcript!

>What is the best way for me to stop being attracted to Indian girls (I think a lot of them are really pretty?

Well first, you can't stop being attracted to who you're attracted to. If you could, then gays could be "converted" to straight. They obviously report (if they're allowed to be honest) that this 100% fails. So this is kind of silly to attempt anyway.

>, Im just not good enough) I have accepted this fact

Fact? Fact did you say? :) No, this is just your current interpretation of your situation. The facts are what happened, but not what that means about you as a person. Your choices now about what to do in this situation will be what really defines you.

Final note: One book that's very easy to read and that I really, really think would help you a lot right now is this one. It's based on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and the key insight for them is to separate your interpretations of situations from the facts--sort of the core message here.

Edit: grammerz

u/Moxie1 · 9 pointsr/relationship_advice

Depression is a strong indicator of cheating. Your thought patterns are slightly skewed.

Pick up this book. It helped me as soon as I finished the first chapter.

BTW, if you use booze as an excuse, NOTHING will change.

u/GardenSerpent · 9 pointsr/AskReddit

I found one of those people who get summed up in pop psychology as 'soul mates', or whatever term you care to use. She (is, presumably) was a painter, she sang...and all she wanted to do was please me. I was self-medicating with alcohol for anxiety, and the effects of one parent's suicide and the other's early death, as well as the murder of a girl I was in love with about two years prior to meeting my 'soul mate'.

Long, drunken story short, I cheated on her. Twice. Oh, don't feel bad for her. She got me (after we broke up) to act as the muscle in a lease-break, fucked every one of my friends, and spread some other stink around.

Problem, though. I really had experienced what Sicilians call "the thunderbolt". I had felt it when we met, even though I was half hammered. The sex was perfect.
The amount of passion experienced in our nine months together was enough for half a lifetime.

And I missed it. And I missed her. The sound of her voice, just speaking, was music to me. And when she story about that. My girl and her sister and her boyfriend shared an apartment. One open-window summer day her sister and I met in the hallway, with the same thing crossing our minds. We had just said good by to her sister, who was going out to shop. But sis and I had just heard her singing. There was a Robert Palmer album on the (rather nice) stereo. The song was "You Overwhelm Me". She sounded like the first female backup on that track, maybe a little stronger and clearer. Her sister! thought it was her. Our minds were blown.

So when she left me the second time, I redoubled my efforts to die in my sleep via rusty nails, cheap beer, bourbon and such, but I kept waking up.

I eventually got sober, got married (to someone who has met the songbird), had a family, and never really got over how badly I had hurt someone who loved me so much. I used to look at my cheating as some form of stupidity that had some organic cause. Science now thinks depression is a major indicator in infidelity.

And, of course, every AA can tell you "with booze, you lose".

This book helped me deal with negative thought patterns developed over time.

It's painful to know that missing, sometimes aching part of one's heart is non-negotiable, and self-inflicted.

EDIT: Relevance. She painted my portrait. For years, there was something about the perspective in the painting that bothered me. One day I realized, it was as if the painter were in a kneeling position. I finally burned it last year.

u/roast_spud · 9 pointsr/books

Psychology (studied, but never practiced)

Here are a selection of interesting books:

u/borkthafork · 9 pointsr/Military

Dude.... I'm not even shitting you.... go buy and read She Comes First. It will give you an entirely new perspective on sex so that you can be way better than you thought you were (and MUCH better than she thought you were) when she comes back.

u/Kortheo · 9 pointsr/BehavioralMedicine

> I'm otherwise quite a confident and happy person, so this issue seems unusual for a male at such a young age.

Here's where you're wrong. Psychogenic erectile dysfunction is actually quite common, and doesn't depend on your age. Experiencing this doesn't make you abnormal or broken. If you're concerned then by all means get checked out by a doctor, but if you think it's just anxiety causing it then that may be the case. Virtually all men will experience ED at some point in their lives - be it due to nerves, alcohol, whatever; it's nothing to be ashamed of. Men don't magically always have perfect erections - that's not reality. I dealt with the same issue around your age and eventually got some therapy to discuss it and that helped unpack the issues that were causing it for me. Basically, if you're having performance anxiety, it's the anxiety that's probably the main cause of your problem. The general approach to this problem that I've come across is to 1) talk to your partner about how you're feeling so that they're on board and understand you and can help, 2) work with your partner to make sex less goal-oriented or put temporary limits. E.g. first have a session where you're not allowed sex or genital touching so that you have 0 pressure to perform, and then gradually build up over time to sessions where you can add those elements back in.

This book is pretty good and has talks a lot about the role of anxiety in sexual dysfunction, and has an entire chapter on erectile dysfunction that may interest you:

Another approach is to focus on pleasuring your partner first through something other than intercourse, and after they're satisfied the focus can shift to you - this takes a lot of the pressure off because you've already 'performed' and thus can't really 'fail' - although it's better to not view sex through a lens of success/fail, this can be a helpful way to solve the problem. This book below is all about oral sex, but the author explicitly talks about having sexual dysfunction that he solved by doing exactly what I just described, and may be of interest to you.

Best of luck!

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, just someone who's had this problem and solved it for himself.

u/MattDamonsTaco · 9 pointsr/sex

Some women have a hard time orgasming from PIV. No big whoop. I've dated some of them.

I've dated some women that have only ever had an orgasm through masturbation. That doesn't mean they didn't enjoy sex, but just that it was hard for their partner to bring them to orgasm.

If he is serious about wanting to give you an orgasm, buy him this book and have him read it. I won't lie: I was rather confident--and pretty good--at giving my partner an oral orgasm but after reading this book? FUCK YES. My oral skills were taken to the next level.

Edit: One of my partners had never had an orgasm from someone else until I went down on her. I loved the fact that I was able to give her her first 'non-manual' orgasm. Since then, she's orgasmed from not only my mouth, but also my fingers alone (much like she masturbates) and a toy in her ass with my fingers inside of her, doing nothing more but pressing down on her g-spot. Sometimes it just takes patience and communication. Say yes to both!

u/DizzyUpTheWorld · 9 pointsr/ForeverAlone

Number one: For an extrovert, talking is a fulfilling experience for them that they enjoy. The fact that they're "making an effort," well, the effort for them is very small, and it's something that they will benefit from as well. They have their own "selfish" motivations, as well. They will feel better from the exchange at the end. Better because they had some kind of distraction and didn't have to be bored, and better about themselves because they did something that was "nice."

A shy person will very often not benefit anything from the exchange. They might feel worse about themselves at the end. Especially very self-critical people. And, as an introvert, you don't get your energy from other people, so the effort that it would require from an introvert is not the same effort that it would require from an extrovert. So the question is why even do it.

You're making the assumption that talking to another person that you don't know is the "nice" thing to do. Yes, if the other person wants to talk. If the other person doesn't want to talk, then not talking to them is actually the "nice" thing to do.

You give this example:

>And when that person is shy. When that person is fighting me and not engaging with me, well I can't help them; assuming that is what they want.

In that situation, you, as the extrovert, trying to talk to them is perhaps the "selfish" thing to do. Maybe you are being the "selfish" one when a person doesn't want to talk and feels that it is a disturbance and annoyance to them, and yet you attempt to talk to them.

My point is that neither one is really selfish. We can't read the minds of people that we meet to know whether they want to talk or they don't want to be bothered.

Additionally, people who are extroverted get rewarded from interacting with other people, so you can't say that what they are doing is the opposite of selfish. You don't know how much of an effort something is, how much more difficult it is for one person over another, and how much benefit each person gets in the end.

Have you ever read Quiet by Susan Cain? It explains a lot of the differences between introverts and extroverts.

u/NoyzMaker · 9 pointsr/ITCareerQuestions

Check out this book.

Basically you need to start paying attention to how your body reacts to things. I learned that I can be “on” as an extrovert most of the day but it will wipe me out for at least 2-3 hours when I get home. So I just need to chill out with a video game or podcasts and recover.

If it is certain type of events try to find ways to “beat them to the punch”. For instance if you want to avoid unnecessary meetings then deliver the ask before the meeting so you don’t need to attend.

Troubleshoot yourself or find a professional to help. Because that is what I ultimately had to do to get someone to help me understand my limits.

u/schtum · 9 pointsr/cogsci

I just read a book on introversion that argues strongly against "brainstorming" and other design-by-committee ideas using a different example from Apple: Steve Wozniak designing the hardware for the original Apple computer almost entirely on his own.

Perhaps crowds do best in answering questions with definite answers but limited availability of facts, but individuals do best when innovation and creativity are required, provided the individual is talented and knowledgable on the subject.

u/FMentallo · 9 pointsr/politics

Organizations like Blackwater don't hire run-of-the-mill soldiers. They often hire out of special forces organizations and the like.

For one: Special forces groups tend to train their soldiers a bit better, and they educate them on the stresses and psychological effects that combat will have on them. This makes them more able to cope with the difficulties brought on by the High-tempo work they do.

Similar training will be found in any high-tempo/specialized combat trades (including law enforcement). The book On Combat covers such ideas.

Unfortunately, this kind of training is not as widespread as it should be, so people who aren't experienced and trained go oversees, kill somebody, and hey are not adequately prepared to deal with what that means.

Edit: Books

On Combat

And more specifically for handling Killing a man:

On Killing

u/crazyrich · 9 pointsr/bestof

I'll make a recommendation I make a few times a year here on Reddit an suggest reading On Killing by Lt. Col. David Grossman:

Dave Grossman goes over a human's natural disinclination to kill in fine detail, using historical war records of proof. Then, he analyzes how modern war training (Vietnam and beyond) is built around overcoming these natural aversions, and of course how bloodlust can take control where training does not (as it does here). A lot of interesting bits on how physical or mechanical distance lessons phychological reactions to the act and how soldiers make justifications in the moment.

His answer to the "what's next" question is total and unconditional support of soldiers that return home that have not been perpetrators of atrocities. They need to know that what they did was necessary, that they did it for their country, that we are proud of what they've done and appreciate it. The exposure of civilians to the horrors of war by the media in Vietnam, and the public's reaction to the soldier's returning, is cted as a primary reason for the mental illness wave that affects the veterans of that war disproportionately.

You may not support going to war - the justifications or methods - but you must always support the men and women sent to kill and die by our government as they are serving their country in the best way they know how, and it is important to validate that sacrifice.

u/Joseph_hpesoJ · 9 pointsr/WTF

not sure which documentary he is talking about but i read On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society and HIGHLY recommend it.

u/myfavor8throwaway · 9 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Two and a half years ago my wife confessed to me that she was "in love" with someone I thought was my friend, and had been fucking him for weeks.

I decided I wanted to fight for my relationship. Mostly, I couldn't stomach the idea of divorce without feeling like I really did everything I could. She more or less immediately agreed to stop contact with him, even though she wasn't sure she wanted to stay with me. We went to counseling together and individually, and dove into the practices from in an effort to rebuild our relationship.

It was the hardest, and most painful thing I've ever done. For two years we struggled. We'd be ok for a couple of months, then she would explode. Turns out she had a really hard time with her own needs and wants; even acknowledging them to herself was tough, never mind bringing them up to me. Meanwhile I suffered big time from Nice Guy syndrome, and the book No more mister nice guy made a huge difference. So did focusing on myself and picking up new, empowering hobbies. (martial arts)

Finally last June she blew up and left me to stay at a friend's house. After 2 years of this shit, I was ready for her to go... Ready to say goodbye to this relationship. I offered to trade off times at our apartment until we decided what to do. That separation lasted 3 weeks, and every time we traded off (twice a week) we would check in about how we felt. I called my family members and prepared them, that I was probably going to divorce in the next couple of weeks.

During this period of time I got more offers from women than I think I have in my entire life. It was a serious part of my decision, the fact that apparently I had access to unlimited pussy.

In the end she asked me to move back in together, and I decided to give it one last hopeless chance, but on strict conditions. Every week we would have a relationship talk together to see how we were doing. And if there was one more blowup, I would leave.

It was tough for a couple of weeks, but then it was like a light switch in my wife. In retrospect she says she just "decided" to have a more positive outlook. After a little fight (which I honestly thought would be the end), she came back with a totally different attitude. It was like she was done just letting shit happen to her, and she was ready to come to the table in making this relationship what we BOTH wanted.

We've been on a continuous upward momentum ever since then. We still meet every week to check in about our relationship, and it's just getting better and better. I'm happier than I've been perhaps my whole life, and she says the same. What's more, we are incredibly close to each other, having both come through hell for this relationship. We're back to being the "newlywed" couple at restaurants (we're going on 9 years married), and we communicate now like never before.

I'm very lucky, but dammit I worked and suffered enough to feel like I deserve it. We're extremely happy together, and planning our first child in a year and a half or so.

It IS possible to get through to the other side. But you have to overcome not only the pain of infidelity, but the issues that made that possible in the first place.

u/iswearitsreallyme · 9 pointsr/financialindependence

Is there any way you can study during your commute? Books if you're taking public transportation, or podcasts/audiobooks if you're driving?

Also, I read this book (borrowed it from the library of course) and really enjoyed it: The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business. It's helped me change a couple of my habits to be more productive.

u/be_bo_i_am_robot · 9 pointsr/IWantToLearn

This question isn't really about sciences, per say, it's about energy and motivation.

  1. The quality of your life is comprised of the sum of the five people with whom you spend the most time. You can be intentional about who you spend time with. So find people who are positive, motivated, smart, high-energy, and interesting, and spend as much time with them as you can. Minimize time with friends and family who complain, are lazy, gossips, blame-shifters, and so on. Join some meetups at and show up. Meet people. Commit to one or two meetups a week, minimum.

  2. Take control of your mornings, because mornings set the tone for the rest of the day. Read this book and do literally everything it says. Give it two weeks.

  3. Your diet has a greater impact on your sense of well-being than you might imagine. Clean it up. Eat food, mostly plants, not so much. Eliminate sugar completely, except on Saturdays.

  4. Exercise.

  5. Use your calendar! Schedule things on your Google calendar and have it send reminders to your phone. Put "exercise" on there. Now you have to do it.

  6. Establish good habits. This is a good place to start.
u/nasT11 · 9 pointsr/depression

As someone who has struggled with depression my whole life, it does sound to me like you might be at least mildly depressed. This inventory can help you decide for yourself: (it's not some crackpot quiz, many doctors actually use this to assess patients)

I highly recommend this book:

I think I still have a PDF version of it that an awesome fellow Redditor sent me a while back, if you'd like to check it out. It's been a life saver for me. Let me know & I will see if I still have it. :)

u/mechtonia · 9 pointsr/AskMenOver30

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The title may be a bit of a misnomer. The book is basically a guide for taking care of yourself so that you can be the best husband, friend, employee, etc.

u/two_off · 9 pointsr/vancouver

Do you work m-f 8-10 hours a day for your family, or for theirs?

You may not like it, but you know the answer. You've been a good landlord, but if it no longer makes financial sense for you to keep the place just to be a Nice Guy, then do what you need to do for your family and stop letting them take advantage of you.

u/kodozoku · 9 pointsr/seduction

Mandatory mention of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

If this 4chan copypasta resonates with you at all, read the damned book.

u/YourRoaring20s · 9 pointsr/Marriage

I'm not saying the chorus of "man up and move on" is wrong, but to add a different perspective: Have you ever wondered WHY you've felt so trapped, felt the need to escape, and felt the need to get married in the first place?

Oftentimes, I feel like feelings of dissatisfaction have more to do with what's happening internally rather than what's going on in a relationship. If there are some core issues with dissatisfaction that need to be worked out, you'll only bring those into your next relationship (if you pursue other relationships in the future). It's easy to run away from something, but much more difficult to run towards something.

Two things that might be worth doing before breaking the news to your wife, just so you can be sure of yourself:

  1. check out the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see if any of that resonates with you

  2. see a therapist to explore the drivers of your dissatisfaction to ensure it's your marriage and not something else going on.

    You may find that there are other ways to assert yourself and realize your need for freedom within your marriage. If not, you can at least be confident you've done your due diligence before disrupting your life.
u/tortus · 9 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck

I found this book really great on the subject: No More Mr Nice Guy

u/DoesNotMatterAnymore · 9 pointsr/confession

> have you tried therapy?

People tend to underestimate the power of sharing your deepest, darkest secrets with someone. It can be enormous amount of relief.

How the hell do you expect to solve your problems, when you can't even talk about them. A therapist can be great for that purpose.

P.S.: OP, read this book:

u/plonk519 · 9 pointsr/NoFap

> My life has no point.

You're only 16, so the only point in your life right now is to get an education so that you can better understand the world, find a place and means to carve out a decent living, and discover your purpose in life by trying lots of different things.

> Gyms are full of mirrors, I need to look at my ugly face all the time, I can't get it out of my head.

Have you considered running outside? There are no mirrors out there, and if you run in the right places you might also get to enjoy the beauty of nature while you're at it. Trust me when I say that running is a great way to get all of these negative thoughts out of your mind, at least for a little while.

> All I do in a day is go to the gym, eat & sleep.

If you don't like your routine, change it. As I said, give outdoor running a try. Explore your music tastes and find that motivating song / album / artist to listen to while you run.

> Because I was born with an ugly face & shit bone structure, I have to suffer my whole life, I have no chance to be happy, to have a family or anything. I can only watch other people loving each other, while I'm dying inside.

I know people have said this already, but chances are strong that you're not actually ugly. Depression can make you think that you are, but you probably are not. However, let's assume for a moment that you are horrendously butt-ugly. That shouldn't stop you from being able to be happy and to have a family. Look around you - there are TONS of hideous people out there who somehow still manage to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with and be happy together. There is more to being attractive than just looks. Someone who is confident and happy with himself is more attractive than someone who is depressed and frowning all the time, even if the happy person is slightly less physically good-looking.

> I don't know what the hell am I going to do with my life, I can't talk to anyone, I can't hold eye contact, I'm frowning all the time, I feel like I have no soul.

Believe it or not, these are things that virtually EVERYONE goes through at some point in their lives. These are all things that you can change, because unlike your physical appearance, they are all inside your head. I've been down in the dumps before, and I know that it feels impossible to ever get out of the self-made pit you find yourself in. Still, IT CAN BE DONE. You should consider reading the book Feeling Good by David Burns - it offers concrete strategies for lifting yourself out of depression through the use of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

> Everywhere I look, people are enjoying themselves, whether it's the TV or outside, everyone is happy, talking to friends/partners, kissing themselves, while me, I'm just here, but it's like I don't even exist.

I've had these thoughts before about my friends and acquaintances at college, but the reality is that nobody is ever as happy as they appear in their Facebook pictures. I've spoken with enough people at school to realize that many people are actually miserable but happen to be really good at putting up a happy front for everyone else to see. The world is a competitive place, and so everyone is constantly trying to one-up one another by pursuing wealth, better looks, etc.

I'm currently single, and the thought that I will die alone frequently crosses my mind, even though this time last year I was happy as a clam because I had an awesome girlfriend. I felt forever alone just days before she walked into my life, and just days after she walked out of it. Life is unpredictable, so just keep in mind that those "happy" people you see around you WILL experience tragedy, misery, and maybe even depression at some point in their lives. You can't truly experience happiness without also experiencing sadness - that's why the bad moments in our lives exist, to make the good ones better.

> Before, I was fat, playing video games all day. I changed a lot in past 2 years, I lost weight, got muscle, haircut, better clothes, did everything I could.

This is something to be proud of. Not many people can say that they went from being fat to being muscular and physically fit. Look at the world around you - America is full of grossly obese people who just don't give a shit. Would you rather be "happy" and slowly drowning in your own fat and filth?

> Why are all the bad things happening to me? Why do I always have to be the worst, why is everyone always at a better position than me?

Do you have a roof over your head? Food and water? A computer from which you're posting this? Do you live in a wealthy first-world country? These are things that a large percentage of the world's population does not have access to, so consider yourself lucky. Happiness is not about material comforts - there are probably plenty of happy people living in third-world countries and fighting for survival each day. In fact, people in the Western world tend to be unhappier for some reason. It's not that they're ungrateful, but they're constantly comparing themselves to the people who are better than them and feeling worthless when they fall short of such impossibly high standards.

> I need to change my life, I want to change my life, but I don't know what to do.

Do something. Do ANYTHING. At such a young age, you have a lot of potential for personal change and self-discovery, so take advantage of it.

Grab life by the balls and make it your bitch.

u/scword · 9 pointsr/loseit

Buy and read Alan Carr's Easy way to stop smoking, my friend. It will change your world.

u/TheIslander829 · 9 pointsr/progresspics

Smokers only stop when they want to stop themselves. I find the best way to stop is reading Allen Carr's book.

If you want to help someone stop, ask them if they're willing to read a book with an open mind, and if they don't stop smoking by the end of it to not worry about it much.

Allen Carr even left a legacy of clinics that offer your money back if you don't stay smoke-free for the rest of your life after you're done with the treatment.

u/jplewicke · 9 pointsr/slatestarcodex

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

  • Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.

  • Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.

    Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!
u/finnoulafire · 9 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I see it has been several hours now since this incident occurred. I hope that you have been able to make progress with the Police, and maybe make some phone calls to close family or friends. If you haven't done so yet, I encourage you today or tomorrow to call at least 1 person who is going to be your unconditional supporter and tell them what happened. It sounds like you have been very isolated recently, and whatever happens after this, I want you to reach out to that person who is going to be your teammate and cheerleader as you recover and plan for the future of your family.

The next thing I would say is to take his threats very seriously. It is good that you have written down some of the threats he made to you. If you are still in contact with the police, I would make a list of the threats he made and send it to the officer working on your case. Emphasize that you are afraid for the safety of multiple people - yourself, your child, and possibly other friends or family members who may try to protect you. Ask about the process of having a restraining order placed on him. Do you have a family member or friend you can stay with for a few days? Or who can come and stay with you? Look into changing the locks. If he tries to contact you, do not answer unless you have a police officer nearby.

Lastly, I want to leave two book recommendations that you may want to read over the next few weeks or months. The first is Why Does He Do That?. The second is The Gift of Fear. I hope you may be able to take the time to read these books and that they may provide some outside perspective for you.

u/t30ne · 9 pointsr/bestof

Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker is a great read on this topic.

u/LatrodectusGeometric · 9 pointsr/todayilearned

I'm betting this one:

I could be totally wrong, but I've had multiple patients tell me that this is what got them to quit.

u/_Bugsy_ · 9 pointsr/sex

Oh man, man, man. I've encountered so many, but it still surprises me when I run across someone who's going through exactly the same thing I went through. We always feel so alone, right? I lost my virginity at age 27. And not just my virginity, she was the first girl I slept with, cuddled, made out with, my first girlfriend, the whole deal. I wanted a girlfriend since before I was 8 years old, but I had a lot of issues that got in the way. I won't bore you with the details.

I can't offer any comfort except to say that I know exactly how you feel. I still deal with envy sometimes even now. I'll throw out the books that really put me on the right path, just in case you're looking for something to read. The Gifts of Imperfection, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Models. Models is the best how-to guide to dating I've read. The other two were necessary to get me to a place where I could put those lessons into practice. Take care of yourself. Sex might seem like a huge deal, but you are really doing fine. Everyone figures out different things at different times.

u/RedHawk · 9 pointsr/relationship_advice

> "I'll just be her friend till she sees how great I am" shit anymore. Its all lies.

So you finally figured it out. Now it's time to man up and grow some balls.

u/littlerustle · 8 pointsr/marriedredpill

First off. Congratulations on some things.

  1. Introspection. Not enough people are able to step outside of their circumstances and make assements.
  2. Declaration of dissatisfaction. Many times people have a "bad taste" in their mouth about their life, but cannot see enough to say "This is bad, it must be fixed."
  3. Finding this sub. I have found that there are a number of good places on the Internet where people can find help. I believe this sub is one of them.
  4. Choosing to do something. Even posting here is doing something. That's great. Keep on doing.

    Now, things are going to get hard for you. Very hard. Or rather, very difficult. All of the things that you did or did not do in the past will pay dividends today. (For example: Did you learn your multiplication tables in the third grade? Good, that pays off today. Did you get a good career by going to college in a field which has a high degree of demand? Bad, that pays off today.

    This is a long post. Don't be offended at how long it is. Take it in pieces if you would like.

    > Brief background: Married: 1 year

    > Me: 23, bread winner.

    > Wife: 24, stay at home mom

    > Daughter: 3, special needs.

    What is the real breakdown of $$$, as a percentage, and who is it coming from?

    You are not the 100% breadwinner, as some of it is coming in via the SSI and child support.

    > My issues arose when I lost almost half my hours at work

    I'd suggest they arose well before that. This hour cutting is just the part that caused you to sit up and take notice.

    What is your degree? How has it left you in the hole WRT needing to have an hourly job?

    > for about 5 months (february to june). Cut from 30 hours to 18 a week.

    Some people would say, "Woo hoo, I went from having 30 hours available for my night classes per week to now having 42 hours available. I think from the rest of your post that you might not have done that.

    > Our daughters social security is what kept us afloat.

    Well, the SSI and the child support, right?

    > I lost all pride, all drive, and all feelings of adequacy.

    I'd like to know what your budget was prior to this hour cut that allowed you to have pride, drive, and feelings of adequacy.

    > So i picked up another job and did any and everything I could to keep my wife happy at the cost of my own happiness.

    Good. Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" ?

    > Lost SSI due to missing paperwork and havent made time to get it fixed so it's just been me making it happen.

    Be clear here, with yourself first, and your wife second. The two of you equally failed to perform the "Fill out the paperwork" task. Do not take 100% of the blame for this (unless your wife is illiterate, and you have to be the one to take that task all on your own).

    > The past month: She's been going out every other night or having people over every other day and of course I started feeling jealous.

    Some observations.

  5. She's been going out. (Therefore you have surplus $$$ in your budget. Are you putting 10% in your retirement? Are you giving 10% to charity?)
  6. She's been having people over. (Therefore she has extra time in her day. Therefore she isn't worried about $$$, or she'd be working on bettering herself via a better degree)
  7. You living life via the feels, not the data. ("I started feeling jealous" WTF?)
  8. You still not seeing the real problem. ("Of course" I started feeling jealous. There is no "of course" to it. Only those who are ruled by their emotions allow something external to them to move them. What should you have felt? Jealousy? If so, then fine, be jealous. Not jealousy? Then fine, don't be jealous. But there is no of course to it. You choose your actions. No one else.

    > I've been telling her that I want to hang out with her and spend time with her. But it never happened, either lack of time or money.

    Be clear with yourself. It never happened for one of two reasons.

  9. You didn't want it to happen.
  10. She didn't want it to happen.

    Consider that. Those are the only two reasons. There can be no other reasons. Then reflect on each of them, for 5 minutes each, separately. Write them on separate pieces of paper. "Why didn't I want to hang out with my wife?" "Why didn't my wife want to hang out with me?" Go for a walk in the back yard, put some "thinking music" on (I like Vivaldi), and consider those two questions. You will come up with answers that you don't like. That's OK.

    > Today: I wake up to a quiet home. In a zombie-like fashion I scan the bed for my phone to check the time and it is 2:27pm. I have work at 3. I noticed a text notification from my wife that says "I went out to eat. Didn't want to wake you. Have a good day."

    That was kind of her. (Take it at face value. Even if it was passive aggressive, and even if you don't like it, at face value, she did you a favor.)

    > To the typical man, that is a blessing. But for me, being a beta bitch, i got upset. Without any form of rational thinking or reason, i sent back "U serious?". She calls and we begin to talk. I started with my "Id like to hang out with you too" blah blah blah. I work 2 jobs. 14 hours when working both in a day so "im tired" is always at the helm whenever i don't feel like putting any effort towards anything.

    I don't think I believe you when you say "I'd like to hang out with you, too." Why? Words whisper, actions shout. Your words are saying, "I want to hang out." But your actions shout "I find other things more important than hanging out with you." Don't claim that I am saying something that I am not. I am not saying that you are choosing sleep over hanging out, and that this is bad. Again, I am not saying that. The only thing that I am saying is that your actions and your words do not match up.

    Take this moment to ask yourself, "Well, self, what do I really want, then? I would suggest that maybe you want someone to say "Oh, poor baby, your life is so hard, I'll gladly hang out with you and wipe your brow and make things better." But that's just a guess.

    > But at the end of that clearly one-sided argument she said "If you want to hang out with me, then make it happen. But dont you dare get mad when i get up and go without you because all you do is sleep". And i said "Fine".

    Awesome. Look at what just happened there. I think it's good that someone in your life is willing to honor you enough that they will tell you to see things as they are. You should thank her for not sugar coating that.

    > So I leave for work, clearly in a pissy mood,

    "Clearly", only if you are living via emotions. Don't do that.

    > when her words start to echo. It hit me that I need to get my shit together. I am way too dependant on her company, affection, and validation.

    That is great. I'm happy for you that you were able to come to a conclusion that things need to be changed.

    > She then texts me: "You didn't have money last night right? Why the hell would you get upset about today knowing you didn't have money today? You slept up till it was time to go to work? So why get get pissed about not doing stuff with me?"

    It almost sounds like she is the rational one here.

    > (Our group of friends went out to olive garden last night. I didnt have the money so I stayed home and she went with them)

    That's interesting. I'll explain more below.

    > And that just reiterated my previous thoughts. I had a clear moment of weakness that lasted damn near a year. But never again.


    > No more weakness, no more beta, no more of this pity party bullshit, no more jealousy or insecurities. Swallowing the red pill.


    Now that we have that out of the way...

  11. What does your budget look like?

    I suspect that the answer to that question is "We don't have one." Get one. Number one. You must have one. This is not an option. I have friends who use YNAB, , Mint, , Google sheets (search for templates), and envelopes. Yes, just envelopes, with just cash. It works. Do it. You and your wife will continue to have problems with your relationship and you won't be able to put a finger on it until your money is under control. At some point you mentioned that your wife gets to spend the extra $$$ that is left over for the child support. This is insane. Are you married, or Roommates With Benefits? I realize that this is not a budgeting subreddit, so get to one. You and your wife together. If she refuses to partner up with you with respect to the budgeting thing, then you have an MRP problem. Until then, you have a money problem. I suspect that she will refuse, since she likes to live beyond her means, and go out with her friends.

  12. What does your family income look like?

    I suspect you have a crappy job, since you talked about having your hours cut. What are you doing to fix this? If (and I reiterate, if) you are able to afford a stay at home mom (SAHM) situation, then you have to earn the appropriate amount for your family. I suspect your wife needs to get a job as well. You simply cannot afford a SAHM situation. Face it.

  13. What does your education look like?

    I suspect you don't have a college degree in a field with high desirability. Why not? Lack of effort? Lack of focus? Put all of that behind you, and figure something out. You might have 6-8 years of suck ahead of you, while you take night classes and earn a degree that will pay well. Too bad.

    None of these things are hard to do. "The only thing hard around here is your head" (said a random Drill Sergeant).

    Make a plan. Find a close friend to help you stick to it.

    You can do this. Many have before you.
u/psykocrime · 8 pointsr/relationship_advice

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.

> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

u/TheInkerman · 8 pointsr/funny
u/highmrk · 8 pointsr/MensLib

I recommend every single man on this planet to read it. It was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read and completely changed how I saw the world and myself. Sure, there's a few attributes that didn't quite fit for me, but on the few that did, I just paused and was absolutely shooketh.

If anyone here has even an inkling that they might have some Nice Guy tendencies, please please please buy it. You will not regret it. I wish I read this book when I was 18 or so, but what's done is done. I'm glad with where I'm at right now and that's partially due to this book. Read it.

Here, I even got the amazon link ready for you.

Edit: Oh and make sure you actually do the exercises that he asks you to do. Just like with Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends, it becomes pretty obvious when a reader actually follows the instructions as asked

u/it_is_not_the_spoon · 8 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

No More Mr. Nice Guy

It was the most important book for fixing my marriage and getting me out of the dead bedroom.

u/inglorious · 8 pointsr/serbia
u/hornysloth · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

>No amount of exercise or skill training would give me a physical advantage to a man, and this terrifies me.

You're absolutely right, this is a terrifying realization. I can think of two male comedians who've made jokes about this sentiment. Louis CK had a bit where he expressed his astonishment that women are able to trust men at all - "Maybe this one will be nice and not kill me....". I actually could tell that it took some empathy to to make a joke like that. Then there's Joe Rogan, who had a bit where he forced everyone into his moment of realization, during which he was surrounded by extremely in-shape, aggressive male fighters, and proclaims to the audience (essentially) "OMG u guise if one of these men wanted to they could come in here and rape all of us, and not one of you could do a thing about it." That same "joke" would hold true whether it was Joe Rogan:MMA Fighter or Women:Men.

The reason I'm referencing humor that's been directed at this is to illustrate that: it's absurd, it's unfortunate, difficult to cope with, and not everyone understands it. In my opinion it's easier for those men to make jokes like that because, for example, MMA-fighter-on-Joe-Rogan rapes and attacks are not exactly common. Whereas in the forefront of my head (for a long time) where personal experiences AND statistics which were painful reminders that male-on-female attacks are MUCH too common for comfort, and that made me a paranoiac.

I don't have too much advice to give, except that I think part of what may help to cope with this is to realize that any average person can bring you harm in one way or another whether or not they have a desire to do so. Someone recklessly driving on the road, texting and driving, can run you over or cause a huge accident. And someone with bad intentions, man or woman, if they truly want to hurt you, physically or otherwise, will find their methods.

I know that thinking of all the evil and hurt that is possible will only keep me locked in a cage of fear. It's difficult to fight against it, especially when there are seemingly so many things to trigger my fears, even "hilarious" male comics' jokes. It's never completely out of my mind. But like you, I saw a glimpse of the jaded, cynical, afraid person I could become (and was becoming) and made a decision to try and counsel myself in those moments where those thoughts abounded. I started trusting people (namely, men), and saw that those men that had hurt me were not the norm.

Please don't let fear rule your life. I haven't read this book, but I've heard good things about it: The Gift of Fear. I agree with the tagline, that there is a balance that must be met with "true" fear and "unwarranted" fear. Frankly I feel like I need to read it.

u/Thisisthe_place · 8 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear.
Like everyone else has said, please trust your gut. You are doing the right thing. Better that your MIL hates you than your kids for not protecting them.

u/GabriellaVM · 8 pointsr/adultsurvivors

I think you CAN detect them, at least sometimes. I do. There are certain characteristics that my "spidey senses" pick up on that I feel in my gut.

I'd suggest the book [The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence](http://

u/awkward_chrysalis · 8 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Wow your sister has like, problems & stuff.

For yourself I have a book suggestion: [The Gift of Fear] ( by Gavin de Becker. You may have to start treating the people in your life as though they are dangerous - even if not physically.

There's no way to win when you're dealing with people like this. The only long term solution is to reduce contact, preferably down to zero. They'll pitch bitch fits while you're doing this, and they'll try to draw upon the programming they taught you - self-sacrifice and family loyalty, etc.

At this point, whatever you've invested in your family and what ever they've invested in you is a sunk cost. It's done, it's over, move on. Your bills are your bills, etc, lock down your credit accounts in case they start coming after you fraudulently.

Your sister though. Well I think you got two options here...

  1. Feed the rumor mill until it jams. (I got this expression from another book.) I think I saw articles about how to do this on Lifehacker & Gawker. Basically you start seeding your social media and online presence with fake information. Gradually. Don't lock it down right away. Just start integrating "New" interests you're not really interested in. The end goal is to get your sister to stalk a Construct or a decoy while you go off somewhere else. If that decoy gradually stops making updates then that's called a Slow Fade.

  2. Cut contact from her and the rest of your family. Is there anything good about them anymore? Again, sunk costs. Don't worry abor what they used to do worry about what they are currently doing. If they are dragging you down, I can't imagine they'll ever ease up.
u/alimaemia · 8 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

I found the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy helpful when I was depressed. Though by the time I was reading it I was self motivated to get out of my pit - which can be a very hard point to get to. I also suffer mostly from negative thought patterns so cognitive behavioural therapy worked well for me, your SO might be different.

Do you have a support system outside of him? Depression does not only affect those who have it, but also the people around them - especially live-in significant others.

u/blue-jaypeg · 8 pointsr/GetMotivated

>"The things you say to your child NOW become the voices in their head in the future"

From a post in Ask Reddit which I cannot find at this time.

There is a cacaphony of critical, judgemental, negative, hurtful, voices which become "Intrusive Thoughts." Loops that playback over and over in your head. Thoughts that undermine your self-confidence or motivation.

Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy
is a book that describes "Cognitive Behavior Therapy"-- where you learn to grab hold of your negative thoughts and tell them to GO AWAY.

If Intrusive Thoughts are seriously holding you back from success and happiness, it's OK to look into medication-- the family of SSRI's and all the related "re-uptake inhibitors" are suprisingly effective at shutting down negative thinking.

u/Axana · 8 pointsr/getdisciplined

What you need to do is stop feeling guilty and stop beating yourself up for not being disciplined. This creates a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy where you accomplish nothing because you made yourself feel too crappy to even try to do anything. Depression is hard enough to deal without piling all of that added negative junk on top of it. What you should do instead is accept your situation, focus on your present needs, and celebrate your victories even if they seem really small. Learn how to do this effectively and then start tackling bigger tasks from there.

There's a very good book about depression called Feeling Good that I strongly recommend you read. There are a few chapters in there that discuss in detail what I've mentioned above getting yourself to do stuff and not feeling bad when it doesn't happen. I suffer from depression myself, and it has helped out a lot.

u/saintcosmo · 8 pointsr/Vaping

I quit smoking cold turkey (didn't wind up trying vaping until now).

Two things that helped me tremendously:

u/billet · 8 pointsr/stopsmoking

Read The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. You'll be glad you did.

u/maybemeat · 8 pointsr/running

The single best thing you can do to improve your health and to improve your running is to quit smoking.

/r/stopsmoking can help. Grab yourself a copy of Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking - it will help.

u/coldbeers · 8 pointsr/stopsmoking

Because it works, and does make it easy, check out the 1300+ reviews on Amazon

Source: I quit 14 years ago totally down to reading this book, it changed my life for the better

u/RedPill-BlackLotus · 8 pointsr/asktrp

Always have to spoon feed this shit into you faggots.

When I say no I feel guilty

No more mister nice guy

I hope you have abbs.

u/nemythologie · 8 pointsr/AskReddit

I can recommend "The power of now" by Eckhart Tolle. Though I don't like some parts in the book about religious spirituality and so on. In the book are very good techniques to control and silence your mind.

u/teaoverlord · 8 pointsr/socialskills

If you don't usually have a problem with the content, I think Models by Mark Manson is a decent book on the subject that avoids most of the typical PUA bullshit. This post has the book's main ideas. I think the book is a little too ready to declare universal truths about women, but it still has useful advice.

u/hyperion247 · 8 pointsr/askseddit

Easily the best resource I can recommend from own experience, changed my life:

Models by Mark Manson

Buy it. Read it. Get out there. I agree with the other comments, it starts within. You need to grasp who you are as a person from within and BE different from everyone else. Forget the random attractive girls, you need to explore things that make you who you are and find the demographic of women that would be most compatible. If you like to play video games and occasionally play pick up ultimate the girl in the ugg boots and yoga pants at Starbucks ordering a Venti Double whip chai mocha latte is NOT for you. First step toward finding the right girl is figuring out what YOU like to do and enjoy YOUR own activities first and foremost. A girl should be as interested in you as you are in her, you do you and invite them to SHARE experiences in YOUR life. Not become a PART of it or be put on a PEDESTAL.

u/PremeditatedViolets · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

This sounds more like borderline personality disorder or severe bipolar disorder, though I'm not a mental health professional. There's a great book called Stop Walking on Eggshells that might be worth checking out. That link is to a blog that talks about the book, but it's also available on Amazon.

Even if you can't get help for your mom, you can get help for yourself in dealing with her. If it's an option, I'd highly recommend seeking out therapy to help you learn to cope with your interactions with her. Is moving out and living with another family member like a grandparent or aunt/uncle an option?

u/honeypot17 · 8 pointsr/datingoverthirty

Here’s a good book on the subject of adult attachment style: . It’s helpful to become aware of your own style and to be able to recognize others so you can try to work with them or end the relationship. As Kenny Rogers said: You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, And know when to run.

u/pickledseacat · 8 pointsr/gamedev

I really like Drawing on The Right Side of the Brain. Kind of unlocked my mind in how to approach drawing, it's helped me a lot.

u/Firrox · 8 pointsr/pics

I did the same just using Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and about 1 hour a night of practice.

u/calenlass · 8 pointsr/ABraThatFits

I also feel this way about gift cards, but my opinion has shifted a little since I did the KonMari purge a couple of years ago. I'm much pickier about what I bring into my house now (with bras being no exception), and when I choose a particular brand of makeup or model of toaster oven or type of laundry detergent, only to be given something "similar" by my sister at Christmas, I very much appreciate the thought, but now am left with something I won't use and have to figure out how to get rid of AND am still without what I actually wanted. In that case, I'd rather have a generic gift card, but then I'm faced with the same opinion I've always had. The trick is to avoid making the gift card the object of the gift.

My husband and my mom understand the pickiness (he because he lives with me, she because she did the purge too), and if they gave me a gift card and said "let's go bra shopping", I would understand their intent, that they knew how complicated it was, and that it would be about going together. Spending the day shopping with them becomes the gift, with the gift card just a vehicle.

My husband has successfully surprised me with a bra once (and not just bedroom lingerie, that's a different topic), and it was another color of a bra I already owned in the same size. Since you know about the Aerie Sunnie bra and her size, I think that will work out wonderfully! However, I do think u/branita's idea is something you should hold onto for the future. I think it's perfect for this sort of thing, because the gift card isn't the gift, the experience is. It's still plenty romantic and shows how much thought and effort you put into the plan, and becomes about you doing something together, with a nice bra as a side bonus.

u/zacharydanger · 8 pointsr/declutter

This book. Seriously.

u/seven_types · 8 pointsr/RedPillWomen

This isn't quite a tip for daily housekeeping as much as it is a strategy for overall tidiness long-term, but I'm reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up on my Kindle right now and I just did the first stage of decluttering my clothes - and it's already made a great difference in how easy it is to stay organized and clean! I haven't finished it yet, but another good part about it is that it emphasizes gratitude for the objects in your daily life and it's helping me practice being more appreciative of everything. :)

u/CompleteWave · 8 pointsr/minimalism

Think of your goals with minimalism. What does your ideal life look like once you’ve minimized? You want to focus on relationships and that’s a worthwhile and common reason, but I’d encourage you to get more specific, and also to consider the practical reasons as they pertain to your health and lifestyle.

To give you a personal example, I focused on three things: saving money and curbing the need to ‘buy, buy, buy’, being mobile and able to travel while taking the important things with me, and to stay organized.

I work weird hours and I need to move frequently for my job, I didn’t want the hassle of moving a bunch of stuff I didn’t really need - you know, the just in case things and the never been used things. Because I’m usually sleep deprived I get scatter brained, so not having a manageable amount of items means I can’t lose them. Instead of duplicates which I’d end up misplacing I just have one of (almost) everything, and if it’s not on me it’s in its ‘home’. No more frantically running around and leaving for work I’m the morning having already lost my patience because I couldn’t find my eye drops.

I have some free time so I’ll just write you a long story:

It’s taken me years, but the catalyst was that when I first moved out I lived with a roommate who wasn’t very clean and we developed a pest problem and lice - I know that lice are not caused by hygiene, but her disorganization and disregard meant she didn’t address the problem in an effective or timely manner. I moved out abruptly to a generous friend’s place. I had a large wardrobe I’d accumulated over adolescence and most of it was hang to dry/hand wash, I sanitized anything that was dryer friendly and I put the rest in garbage bags for 2 weeks. I retrieved a single hoodie 15 days later and guess what? I re-infested myself.

I have GAD so I was at my wit’s end, I put all of my clothes in the dryer and a lot of them shrunk or started falling apart. I’d been housesitting prior to my first official move so technically I’d moved three times over the course of 5 months. I couldn’t find any of my things, I never had time to unbox everything or put it away, and I realized that my copious amount of stuff was impeding my ability to enjoy or adjust to my new space. The possessions I hauled with me were actually preventing me from feeling at home!

So I began a long process of discarding old items, by giving them away or donating them whenever possible. I also lost weight, so my remaining clothes were no longer very functional. At first I bought a lot of new things but ended up donating them again pretty often, and I started asking myself these questions repeatedly: with the things I have now, how stressful would it be if I had to move again? Why am I continuing to bring new things into the house and why do I feel compelled to shop?

I realized that having lots of clothes that only served one purpose (formal, casual, winter) wasn’t compatible with my lifestyle. Because I travel so much, I need everything to be versatile and easily washed. I realized I was buying a lot of ‘aspirational’ items, things I was anticipating I would use or bought with the intention of changing my style in some way, but I didn’t have a clear direction.

When I purchase something now i think about whether I really need it or if I have something else that serves the purpose, that I’m forgetting about. I don’t ‘go shopping’, I buy items when I’ve clearly established a need for them, and I consider what I’ll wear it with, where I’ll wear it, how I need to care for it, and ultimately the room it takes up in a suitcase. I research before I buy. Every time I go to a store I know why I’m there before I enter. I might see a new version of something and think, “I’d like that, but it’s not urgent. The one I have right now is good enough, but if/when the time comes I’ll upgrade to this.” Because I choose my things carefully I’m always satisfied and don’t really feel temptation. Impulse buys never happen unless it’s a gift.

I’ve noticed I’ve become much more resourceful, this is a minor example but a few days ago I went to use a tote bag a friend had given me, and it’s got a clear window on one side that I wanted to cover. I took a scarf I had and tied it to both handles, and secured it with a hair clip so it’s covering the window. It sounds trivial but a solution like that probably wouldn’t have occurred to me before, I would just think ‘I’ll get another tote bag’. Now I can use my free one and it looks really cute.

Instead of trying to impress others I impress myself by solving problems effectively, when I decide not to buy something because I spot a pitfall I give myself an inner high five - I’ve totally changed the way I see my things and where I get my excitement from, but that mental change has taken almost three years. After the whole lice/weight loss fiasco I got to a point where I had less than a dozen items and almost all of them were from the men’s section of value village (I’m female). I’ve literally rebuilt from the ground up.

Financially I have found freedom because I own everything I need to own, I only need to spend money on things when I need to replace or mend something, so hardly ever. I’m able to live comfortably with very few items because I don’t need a large wardrobe right now, and if my work setting changes I have the money to invest in new pieces - no need to worry about ‘just in case’. Instead I can take time off of work and contribute to baby showers, I sent my mother and grandmother a gift for Mother’s Day as it’s the first time I’ve been out of my home province this time of year. I know those things aren’t unusual but I have a good fund to draw from to do so.

My goal when I finally started rebuilding my wardrobe and overall collection of life tools was to reach a point where I had everything I needed, as I stated above, and only needed to maintain. That’s what I tell people if it ever comes up and it’s the honest answer, it’s also easy to understand and relate to.

I still like to have nice things, but instead of something just being trendy, I have items that are useful, aesthetically appealing, and over time they gain a sentimental aspect that I rarely ever developed before - when you use things often and have them for over a year you get that ‘favorite sweater’ feeling, only there’s just one sweater so it’s your favorite by default 😉I think it is important to value the things you have, you just have to value them for what they give/do for you, not because you think other people will value them.

This lifestyle/way of thought has been great fir me and my stress level. Just knowing where everything is has been a weight lifted. Not only do i not lose my keys, I know where my clothes are - drawer, laundry, on my body. I just have my shit together.

Hopefully reading this will be helpful.


u/lickmyplum · 8 pointsr/polyamory

The playing field is even if everyone is getting their needs met. Not everyone in the relationship has the same needs or history, so some agreements about time/titles/etc. might be asymmetrical, but still "fair". You should all read The Ethical Slut if you already haven't. It might help everyone navigate this road a little easier.

u/2in_the_bush · 8 pointsr/polyamory

Pleasure to speak with you (both). I'm a 32M and bisexual myself. I have had to navigate this same obstacle course with my life-partner and believe me, you are going about it way better than I did. The trick to opening up a LTR is to be selfless at every turn, and in doing so, your personal wants usually get met. If you are both giving towards each other, and you both genuinely want the other to have every positive life experience you can possibly have, then your hearts are in the right place. Feeling a sense of joy that your love is getting to enjoy something wonderful, even if it doesn't involve you is known as compersion. It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. It is also an emotion you can learn to have. Example: If you guys do find the right woman to bring home, and the two ladies are going at it, husband can either tell himself "this is happening because I am inadequate" or, he can say "this is happening because I want my wife to be happy, and I am so adequate that I am able to give her this happiness". Feelings of jealousy that sneak into the situation can be labeled correctly as relics of your childhood conditioning. There is nothing that can't be unlearned, or relearned.

I highly recommend you get some reading done on the subject. My personal bible has been The Ethical Slut. This book will help you guys navigate the complicated waters of polyamory and open relationships. It will validate much of what you're already doing, and alert you to pitfalls that you probably haven't even considered.

As someone who has had more than one partner for about a year and a half now, I am amazed and overjoyed that life-partners can do this for one another. I don't want to oversell this lifestyle because it's not for everyone. But if it is for you, well then, congratu-fucking-lations. You're in for a treat. Many of them in fact ;-)

u/YA_GOD · 8 pointsr/college

I do not want to sound like your granddad but you should target to wake up at least 2 hours before your day start. in your case 6 am. morning time is really very useful and getting one big task done before starting your regular stuff gives you a feeling of a small "win" which is proven to make you feel more confident and less vulnerable to small "failures" later in the day.

Now obviously to wake up early, you need to sleep early and that takes a lot of effort generally.

rather than pussy out, make a habit loop out of it:
set an alarm at 10 pm to fucking floss your teeth. and the next thing you do after flossing your teeth is get in the fucking bed. these triggers will eventually make it automatic.

also read this while you are in college.

u/pollyannapusher · 8 pointsr/stopdrinking

Why not try breaking the loop and focus on something else?

u/craigsproof · 8 pointsr/socialskills

I used to be terrible with women. Constantly friendzoned. Got cheated on by a girlfriend that I had no idea how I got.

Then I found some "pickup" stuff online that got me lucky two times in a row following a script... and then nothing. So I studied more online stuff. I was going to be the best pickup artist ever, I was going to show them all! I'd approach women to impress my friends. Got a stripper to go out for coffee(ended badly, I was totally over my head). All sorts of showy stuff.

Luckily I found some charisma based pickup stuff that was essentially just presenting yourself in the correct manner, and not be afraid to escalate sexually.

One of the techniques was a type of disqualification where if anybody said anything negative you agree and amplify. And if they say something positive, be genuinely thankful, but say something a bit humbling to keep yourself human.

Disqualification was great for my interactions with others, but weirdly, it was the best thing for me. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. I started not to place too much importance in what others thought of me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a freeing way. I came to realize that I didn't need to impress anybody by showing off or becoming a pickup superstar. I became decent at dating and could spend my energy in other areas of my life.

The reason I'm telling you this is because "pickup" advice can help you, but you need to be careful. As Grayflcn said, becareful over in Seddit. There are some genuine people there, but there are also some people trying to impress people with BS, or show offy, creepy things. Try to keep your filters set appropriately.

I've been in a relationship for a while, but trying to help some friends I've found some things I think are good resources in this area coming from the right place...

  1. the Art of Charm ( guys have a ton of free stuff available to get better with women that you can trust.
  2. this book: comes from the right frame, and was of huge help to a friend in this and other areas.

    That said... if you've already got women you're dating maybe the only thing wrong is you're not escalating. Letting them know you find them attractive in a man to woman manner. This may seem like a huge hurdle, I was terrified of this. Yet, doing it a few times, it became something I did without thinking because it totally improved my relations with females.

    It's 3 steps.
    Figure out what you find sexy about her. Something about her personality is better than something physical.
    Use the word sexy to tell her you think that thing is sexy . There's no ambiguity. She knows what you mean when you use that word.
    Don't wait for a reaction, start talking about something else. It will ferment in there and not waiting for an answer shows you're not hanging on her approval.

    Example: I like women that make me laugh... she says something funny.

    "Hey, you're funny, I think funny women are sexy. (A half beat pause so it's not rushed then) So, anyway, tell me more about that Japanese restaurant... "

    It seems like a small thing but it made a total difference in my male/female relations.

    I'm typing this on mobile, but I remember the pain of feeling helpless with women. I hope some of this helps a bit, Bud.

    *Edit fixing the book link that didn't work.

    ** Edit2 I'm not sure this is worthy of it, but thank you to whoever gifted me the gold.
u/Fenzir · 8 pointsr/infj

I detest games in dating... but there are definite pitfalls to spilling it all off the bat. I've been in a casual relationship where we each went full transparency upon first meeting. It worked to an extent, but it also destroys any semblance of mystery. Part of dating is getting to know the other person and them getting to know you. Trust and love are built through experience and time together.

A month or two ago, someone posted something about discovering the INFJ strength in dating... which was being mysterious. I can't remember who, but it resonated with me. He said he'd been finding much more dating success by slowly revealing who he was and how he felt. Not so much manipulating as just not going full glom off the bat, if he likes someone.

Mark Manson's book, Models, makes some very good points and introduces some solid techniques for dating with authenticity, too. It's geared toward men, but I think much of the information is applicable to anyone. The first 15% of the book is pretty self-promotey, and there are some misogynistic generalizations here and there, but it was worth my time. Much of it is about building confidence just by being yourself and taking a zen - like approach of being grateful for any response to a declaration of interest. I'm into you! You're into me? Cool, let's see where it goes. Not into me? Cool, thanks for not letting me waste my time chasing you. I feel like it's a healthy version of playing it cool, without lying or repressing yourself.

u/Loelin · 8 pointsr/niceguysDiscussion

I do not understand why you are downvoted. You are asking for perspective, no matter how offbeat the direction is.

>what's with all the scathing hate towards nice guys?

a lot of NGs show a simple display of unsuccessful sociopath behavior. The abuse attempt alone is enough to warrant plausibility of the personality of that person. On top of that, other factors like the big media and those mediums taken out of context by the NGs adds a flurry of social chaos. This disaster is solved by letting themselves understand the power of "thinking before speaking", and accepting their own emotions as their own, not blaming emotions on external forces.

>Most of them are genuine human beings who are lead in the wrong direction due to lies perpetuated in this hugz and feelz society through parents, schools, media and such ("masculinity is for chauvinist pigs", "instead of working out, girls like sensitive guys who buy them flowers and treat them like queens etc"). Most of them have grew up bullied or an outcast to the point of self-deprecation and low self-esteem. Instead of lashing out at them, maybe give them legit pointers on how to self-improve or pick up their game beyond banal polite conversations and random compliments.

This can go in many ways. Most of them ended up taking the pill, while others discover the negative power of who they are emotionally and mentally. Other ways fall between these two extremes, and usually people who take the pill fall out of their own accord and go completely out-of-society to the rest of the world. Anecdotally.

In my opinion I do not agree with the above because this furthers the narrative even harder than before (to the point of performing mental gymastics). I would suggest trying the filter method mentioned in a book like this or understand letting go of the things that you are hampered with like this.

>I feel most of it is due to society's underlying repulsion towards weak men who fit the betamale mold. I don't think society is quite ready (nor will ever be) for men showing emotion or vulnerability. You can't demonise those who reject you but we as humans are allowed to feel upset or dejected if one doesn't feel loved or worthy for intimacy or companionship. The whole "nobody owes you shit" may be true but it's completely nihilistic without offering some sort of solution to address the problem rather than sweeping it under the carpet.

There is a solution to this problem, and the solution does not involve setting people into boxes. the solution is looking at the differences between positive masculinity and toxic masculinity and gauge what your life is as a whole: personality, personal worth, and what you actually persevere in your hobbies.

A great subreddit that gives more discussion on this topic is /r/MensLib.

u/WrittenByNick · 8 pointsr/BPDlovedones

It takes a long time to figure that out, and I've only just started. I don't know if you've done any research or therapy to really process your part in the relationship (not that you're to blame, far from it). For most of us who are nonBPD in these situations, often we fall into Codependent or Caretaker categories.

Stop Walking on Eggshells

I Hate You Don't Leave Me

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

For me, I particularly connected with the Stop Caretaking book - I researched codependency and talked to my therapist about it, but it didn't really fit. But the Caretaker traits are my behaviors and reactions to the letter. What I really appreciated about that book was the context was basically "Don't try to figure out or fix the BPD behaviors. Instead, here are concrete examples of what to do for yourself and your sanity."

I'm on my way out (divorce from a 12 year marriage), so I'm one of the biased ones who don't think a BPD relationship is sustainable. But even if you make the choice to stay, there are tools to help you survive.

u/wanttohelpher503 · 8 pointsr/relationships

I'm engaged to a woman with BPD, so I know where you're coming from. If she's looking for ways to treat it, definitely DBT is a great option that will help her learn to regulate her emotions. There are also other clinically-validated treatment options, including Mindfulness-Based Therapy, Schema Therapy, Mentalization-Based Therapy, and Transferance-Based Therapy.

As for your end, a little bit of reading up can be invaluable. I would start by reading When Hope is Not Enough, then check out Stop Walking on Eggshells and Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. All three are geared toward family/friends of people with BPD, and will give you great advice on:

  1. using validation, normalization, and other techniques to ease her emotional pain

  2. setting boundaries and other techniques to make sure you don't become overwhelmed by her moods and behaviors

  3. understanding the underlying psychological mechanisms to avoid triggering/invalidating her
u/impsnipe · 8 pointsr/creepyPMs

I dated this guy, too. Or his astral twin or something.

It's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything is black or white. The one they love is an angel sent from heaven. And then, out of the blue, for no reason whatsoever, the one they love is suddenly a demon sent straight from hell. I'm glad you got away. Never engage him again.

u/CarcinogenicBunny · 8 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Ugh. He sounds like a nightmare to deal with.

u/aradthrowawayacct made a suggestion in another thread that I think might be useful for you.

> Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

> Skip over the personality disorder mention in the title if it doesn't apply, regardless of anyone's actual diagnosis, it's a great book on advocating for yourself in an intimate relationship with a difficult or high conflict personality.

You really need to disentangle yourself from his mess of emotions and make sure you can take care of your needs at home (and elsewhere lol).

I don’t judge your history btw. Life is difficult to navigate and it isn’t black and white - we all have our challenges that we need to face in order to get through it relatively unscathed. 😀

u/53920592 · 8 pointsr/exmormon

First, you're not alone. I was in my early 30's when I lost my faith and it took me 2 years to get over the depression and existential vacuum that Joe's lies left behind.

I was able to eventually work my way through it without meds or any serious counseling, but it was a grueling couple of years. Everyone has to figure out their own path, but what helped me most was reading from others who had faced the same existential vacuum and found a way to navigate it. A few titles that I would highly recommend are:

  • The Power of Now by Tolle.
  • Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Best on audiobook.
  • Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  • Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  • The Alchemist by Coelho.
  • A New Earth by Tolle.
  • A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  • What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it.

    The above, coupled with a lot of patience, exercise, sleep, and proper diet got me through my deep existential crisis. The existentialism still shows up now and then, but it's totally manageable. Good luck to you! You'll have good days and worse days, but stick with it!--I promise it gets better!
u/tigalicious · 8 pointsr/AskFeminists


Art imitates life, which imitates art, in a loop that constantly feeds each other information about what's societally acceptable. I absolutely do not mean anything dramatic like "video games cause violence". But there is a very common argument defending violence or sexism in video games: it sells. The intention of the argument is to suggest that profit-seeking is an amoral motivation. But all that seems to do is point out evidence for the opposite stance, which is that violence and sexism are popular. People like to see it, enough people to make it a viable business strategy. So by taking that "amoral" stance, media producers choose to feed that popularity instead of commenting on it or just feeding a different part of our cultural values.

But recognizing that pattern does not mean assigning blame. Sexism is an accidental, literally ignorant action much more often than it is evil mustache-twisting. But in trying to combat the pattern of sexism going around, there are two different entry points here; the art, or the consumers. So some people put their efforts into directly educating people, while others (like Sarkeesian) critique the art.

I agree that discussing Sarkeesian herself and her strategies would need it's own post, but I hope this helps with your main question, at least. If it's something you're interested in reading more about, "On Killing" by Dave Grossman, was a really influential book for me when I began reading about this subject. Most of the book addresses other issues, but his section on desensitization through media consumption was eye-opening for me.

u/SavageHenry0311 · 8 pointsr/CCW

First of all, I don't think you did anything wrong. If the worst thing that happens to you is an invigorating drive in the cool night air - well, that ain't so bad, is it?

In a perfect world, you'd have single-handedly apprehended the thief, fucked his sister, and rode off into the sunset with the theme from The Magnificent 7 playing at full volume. And in a perfect world I'd own a yacht and a nationwide chain of liquor stores, too.

I recommend you take a look at Cooper's Color Code, and maybe pick up a copy of On Killing. There are several different variations of Cooper's work out there, and some folks have tweaked it (for better and worse).

The reason I'm pointing this out to you is that I think you went from Condition White straight to Condition Black.

I want you to know that this shit happens. I am a combat vet and a ghetto paramedic - used to stress and interpersonal conflict, and I'm fully aware that it could happen to me - especially in the situation you described. Nobody is ready to "throw down" anywhere, anytime unless you're patrolling in a war zone. I could sit here and fantasize/pontificate about hasty-ambushing that thief until I'm blue in the fingers, but in reality being jerked into a conflict after sitting in a safe, familiar place immersed for hours in the fumes of Microsoft Excel (or whatever)...I'd be surprised if I didn't freeze up a bit myself. I can tell you for sure it wouldn't go down as perfectly as I'd want it to. This ain't Hollywood, and I ain't Jason Bourne.

Now, what you can do is learn about this phenomenon and how it affects you, thereby mitigating it's negative effects in the future.

The other thing to recognize here is the mere fact that you experienced this means you'll have more agency over yourself next time. It won't seem so shocking, so alien. You'll process it faster, and decide what to do more quickly.

And please don't kill anyone over a broken car window.

u/garblz · 8 pointsr/changemyview

Welcome to the real world. Somehow, someone must have roofied you with a red pill. And let me tell you, it sucks. I fight with it every day.

People sometimes call it a depression. And depression, amongst other things is the red pill. (let's get this staright: im talking about prolonged mild depression, usually of the "I've been like this all my life" kind, and not suicidal tendencies full on negative stuff).

Yeah, the red pill. Depressed people are actually better at seeing how matters really are, it's been scientifically researched. That's because "normal" people are deluding themselves that things are really better than they seem, and it helps them survive the day.

The danger is, being more accurate when it comes to positive delusions and biases, you also lose a bit. Yes, you do realize you have no control over a situation, where an optimist would say otherwise and lose. But you sometimes also think you have no control in stituation where in fact you do.

The problem is, to lead a comfortable life, we do have to lie to ourselves, if just a bit. It's harsh, but that's the truth. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you may start lying to yourelf, but keeping control over which lies you allow yourself to believe in, not to slide over to the other side.

And this is because...

> But what if I get run over by a truck on the way home? Or die a frail old man on a bed?

The you die. No sense in pondering on all possible circumstances, over which you have no control.

> Will they be present in the afterlife? Is there an afterlife?

Quite possibly "no" and "no". There has yet to be a shred of credible evidence pointing the ther way, which brings us to the previous point: don't sweat the stuff you can't control.

> Why did I do all those things?

Ah, now. That's what this all is about, and that is why you need to lie to yourself, just a little. There probably is no God. No higher purpose. It means all of the responsibility is yours. Take it. Seize it. Use it. You have to create meaning, a purpose in your life. A life's purpose is not found, it's made. And only you can do it.

There is nothing that could stop you from going to Germany and becoming that guy who goes on a horse track with a stick and puts the patches of grass ripped by horse hooves back into the holes they left in the ground. Figuratively speaking of course. It's just an example. And you just might find yourself, against all odds, that you enjoy it. That your life is better now.

Now, the lying part. Your body, your brain, your senses they are all lying bastards. They constantly provide you with false information. Starting with optical illusions - look how much you know what's happening behind the scenes, you just can't convince your stupid eyes and brain. And that's why you have to lie to the machinery, to get it to cooperate with your will. You have to train it.

There is no easy way, unless you completely brainwash yourself. The problems you have - people try coping with these every day, and someties choose or unwittingly fall into the easy way. Religion (the blind one type). Sects. Social groups. It's all lying to your brain, in this case it's this overwhelming sense of harmony and higher puropose which comes from being backed up by a throng of people who think the same.

This is lying to yourself of a kind far worse than what I propose. But as always, the better way is much harder.

You have to realize you feel the way you think. Some of the things you think, are just perceptions of reality. But brooding makes you feel wretched. Not because this is how reality is, but because of what brooding makes to your brain chemistry. You have to revert it. But the ways which make your brain respond positively have to be found, by active seeking. You may think "oh, I'm not a go-kart person". Screw what you think. You don't know how your brain will respond, it's already lying to you. You have to atually try something, I can't stress it enough. Playing a guitar. Fucking knitting. Try stuff out.

Body hygiene: physical excercise, set sleep patterns, keeping hydrated.

It all does stuff to your brain, making expenditure of energy needed to try stuff easier. Developing rituals will give you the backbone. Our lives need to have at least some sort of rigor, self-imposed patterns for the brain to feel safe, and be able to explore other possibilities of development. At the beginning this was provided by your parents, now it's your responsibility.

You also need to feel needed. You need to try stuff that will make you feel useful. If you know some subject rather well - go teach someone. Go volunteer. Learn a new subject. Listen to Richard Feynman.

It can feel overwhelming, and you may fear commitment, taht if you pick something up, you have to stick with it, otherwise it makes no sense. I say this is wrong, watch this, and apply.

Yes, the life has no point and no sense. It's time make one for yourself. It won't be easy, it won't make the angst go completely away, but it's worth it.

P.S. Read this book, skip the first few preaching chapters if you need. It will be lying, but hopefully I got across the message, that you have to do some amount of it.

P.S.2. When recording progress (do that), compare yourself to how you were yesterday, a week ago, under no circumstances compare yourself to others. There may be a professional runner who feels miserable, because he compares himself to others. I, having only one leg, may feel better than him, because I was able to go to two places today instead of usual one.

P.S.3. Never, ever tell anyone what you're doing, until after you've done it. Telling someone makes this lying bastard, the brain, tell you you don't need to do it now that you've told someone. For him, telling someone it as good as doing, and you lose the incentive, the motivation.

For all that is holy, do not give delta to anyone. Not until after you've worked on yourself for at least half a year, and are relatively sure you won't 'slide back'.

u/wothy · 8 pointsr/psychology

The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene (also try his other books, utterly fascinating, beautiful pieces of work)

Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman

The Blank Slate by Steven Pinker

Leadership and Self Deception by The Arbinger Institute

Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury

Influence by Robert Cialdini

I could go on but these would have to be my favourites that come to mind which relate to what you seem to be interested in. Let me know if you want more suggestions :)

u/Beren- · 8 pointsr/SecurityAnalysis
u/Trotskyist · 8 pointsr/HistoryPorn

For what it's worth, nearly all contemporary research into persuasion disagrees with this view.

Once emotion is brought into frame (e.g. putting someone on the defensive), it's very difficult to appeal to reason using a logical argument. For example, odds are you're dismissing this comment right now.

If you're interested, this book is an excellent and well-sourced primer.

u/MSCantrell · 8 pointsr/intj

Some people do this stuff instinctively. Some of us have to treat it as a skill.

So I got a lot of value out of books on this stuff. I read about the techniques, I practiced them, and I do ok.

Here are two really good ones:

Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards


What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro

You can improve these skills; they're just skills!

u/Lat3nt · 8 pointsr/infj

Personally, I've never encountered that. Though that is probably due to a massive dose of impression management. I try to walk around as confident as possible even when that might not be the case. If you haven't read it--What Every Body is Saying by Joe Navarro is a fantastic book on how to read people--but you can also use it in the reverse to appear the way that you want.

If I'm not with people I know well in public, generally speaking I am quite cold with people. I guess I learned to hide my emotions pretty well. I think most people also don't understand me, as I keep info about me on a very need-to-know basis. So for better or for worse, people give me space.

I don't know if any of this helps at all, but I noticed a pretty immediate positive change controlling the way I appeared to other people. Not just in the way that people reacted to me, but in my confidence as well. It seems you actually can fake it until you make it.

u/andersonenvy · 8 pointsr/GetMotivated
u/dantepicante · 8 pointsr/sex

Folks, just read this book. It's very helpful.

u/Justwhatimthinking · 8 pointsr/booksuggestions

I can not recommend this one enough. Really.

u/codemuncher · 8 pointsr/MensLib

I taught myself CBT from a book that cost $6.79: and meditation, well there's a lot of internet resources that are cheap or free.

As a commenter posted below, most social services are offered at a state or county level. Local politics is a lot easier to change than you'd think. If you're upset at how your local state is doing, perhaps you should do something about that?

Because, if you're trying to sell that we ought to redirect funding from childrens programs, well, you know that is a futile fight.

u/zapbark · 8 pointsr/sysadmin

Had a really frustrating work trip a few weeks ago In the airport on the way back I saw this book:

The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck:

It is really good, I enjoyed it.

u/saosebastiao · 8 pointsr/Seahawks

The idea that some fans are true and some are fairweather or bandwagon fans is just a way for some people to feel better about themselves. They want to feel like their sacrifice for their team was meaningful in some way, and they try to elevate their status by pushing everyone else down.

You don't have to sit through 2 decades of shit seasons to call yourself a Seahawks fan. Hell, you can even be a Bears fan and a Seahawks fan at the same time. Some people will get bent out of shape and try to make you feel like shit for it. I strongly recommend that you learn how to not give a fuck. There is no reason you need to justify why you like the hawks to people that would shit on you anyway.

Go ahead, call yourself a hawks fan. Let people hate you for it. Fuck them, they don't matter one bit.

u/merv243 · 8 pointsr/socialskills

Congratulations, you're an introvert.

Sorry if that sounded sarcastic, it's not. The most important thing you can do is accept that this is going to be a challenge for you, to some degree, probably for the rest of your life. But wait, there's hope! If you do this more often, you'll get more comfortable with it and it will be less effort.

Additionally, the better you get to know people that you force yourself to talk to, the easier it will be to talk to them. You'll also move past small talk into conversations that introverts are more comfortable with. So you could look at the initial discomfort and energy expenditure as an investment.

Knowing this about yourself is a big part of the battle - you just need to prepare for the fact that these situations are going to sap the energy out of you, and plan some time to recover on your own by doing whatever it is you like to do.

Right now I'm actually reading this. I'd recommend it for all introverts (and anyone, really). It's not a self-help book or anything, but it discusses the differences between introverts and extroverts and gets a little into how introverts can be effective at different things (work, relationships, etc).

u/highstrungbarbie · 7 pointsr/relationship_advice

I tell people this a lot, and it really depends on the person, but I'll try to make a list! To focus on ourselves basically means to better our confidence and our general well-being. Focusing on ourselves is basically keeping busy while improving ourselves at the same time. Because at the end of the day, we can't rely on others to lift us up. It helps to have people there, but we will always have ourselves. Focusing on ourselves means just living our lives and not worrying about trying to find another person to help fill the empty void in our hearts, but at the same time, while doing our own thing and just living life, this is when we may meet other people or potential future partners along the way. So either way, it's a win-win situation.

  • write, journal, let everything out. Hold nothing back. There's a lot of cool notebooks to choose from out there specifically tailored to give you topics to focus on, like writing prompt journals, or there's gratitude journals as well
  • which leads me to my next point, write out a list of what your grateful for
  • write out a list of your current goals or any improvements you would like to make, then look at it every day or post it somewhere you can easily see in your room
  • Friends have recommended the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" (I still haven't read it but I heard it's good)
  • I also heard this book is really good too "You Are a Badass"
  • hike, pick a trail, set a goal to make it to the top of a hill to help build your endurance (I have a friend who also loves to do this while making videos of himself talking to himself and just reflecting on life)
  • go to social events like parties or shows
  • focus on your career and work on that promotion, or if you still don't have one yet or you're unsure, this is the perfect time to figure that out and make a list of what you really love and have passion for
  • remind yourself that you are awesome and deserving of the best, every day or at least once a week
  • remain humble and never cocky
  • depending on your age, go to bars and hang with friends and also depending on where you live, go to a barcade if you like video games or old arcade-style games while drinking
  • hang with friends and have on one one convos with them about life (you really learn a lot)
  • learn how to cook something that you can see yourself enjoying for the rest of your life (cooking is a great skill to have, and many women really love men that know how to cook)
  • get a new hair cut, or buy some new clothes, a new video game, a new anything. Treat yo self
  • become your own best friend (it's really not as lame as you think)
  • pick up a new hobby, whether it's an outdoor or indoor activity, like photography
  • if you're still in school, maybe join any groups or clubs
  • definitely exercise since it helps build muscle, keeps you fit, and helps boost those endorphins making you feel better in the long run
  • if you're the artsy type, go to art galleries, and if you feel so inclined, even invite a female friend to join you
  • take a mini road trip with your friends if possible
  • write a short story
  • Dare yourself to try a new foreign dish for the first time and live life on the "edge"
  • help volunteer somewhere
  • pay a stranger a compliment
  • do one good deed for someone every week or month
  • visit some place you've always wanted to go to

    I know there's so much more you can do, but I hope some of these can help for now! Basically just go out there and live your life and have as much fun as possible.
u/pytoast · 7 pointsr/booksuggestions

I don't know if it's considered a personal development book, but I really enjoyed reading The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson, it's a great self-help book.

u/ThisSuperhero · 7 pointsr/suggestmeabook

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck - Mark Manson

I mean, he's not a licensed psychologist or anything and therefore lacks some credibility. Nevertheless, I really did enjoy reading it and he does have some good points. Other than that it is just quite fun to read.

Hell, some people would probably rage and be all like "He doesn't know what he's talking about!!!" but those people need to read the book.

u/cojohnso · 7 pointsr/AskMenOver30

I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below

Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others

*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**

Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial., do I suck at boundaries!

u/apikoros18 · 7 pointsr/MultipleSclerosis

I was diagnosed RRMS in Feb 2002. I was re-diagnosed in Feb 2017 with Secondary Progressive. When you said this:

> how am I supposed to accept this new reality? I suppose I just sort of have to? Not like I have a choice in the matter... I guess it takes time.

It just hit me, again, hard. I am into this thing for a LONG time now, and I am still adjusting. I am still accepting the new normal.

I wish I could give you a better answer. I recently finished the Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck

It's the usual blend of BS pop psych and what not, but one thing really really hit me: You cannot accept responsibility for what happens. You can only take responsibility for how you react to it.

I have good days. I have bad days.

I have a ton of spinal lesions, and most of my MS stuff is below the waist. When I was DXed with the secondary progressive, the doctor said he didn't really understand how I still walked without aid or a wheel chair.

Anyway, for years I had horrid shitting problems. Explosive, violent, painful and horrific shits. Like something HR Geiger would draw. Perhaps Jackson Pollack if instead of Oils he used poop.

This week, I had to have a colonoscopy. Everyone talks about how awful the prep is. How disgusting, how painful and how gross.

Well, let me tell you--- Compared to my MS Shits, this was nothing. I could do that every day--- fuck, twice a day, rather than have one of my MS Shit 'Splosions

It made me realize, again, that we deal with our MS, our issues and our symptoms as best we can. That what we have does become a new normal.

That something we deal with everyday is both a new normal--- and an old horrible.

But it makes us so strong.

I am an Atheist but I grew up Old-School Jewish.

Yet, I love this good old line, I think it may be from the Jesuits.

No one is given a cross to heavy for them to carry.

Good luck, I hope my ramblings weren't too, well, rambly--- and feel free to PM me as the journey of MS takes you down its weird and wild path.

u/DrMnhttn · 7 pointsr/AskMenOver30

I felt the same way well into my 30's. My relationships never lasted more than a few months, and they made me miserable. Long story short, I was dating the wrong women. This is going to sound cheesy, but you need to understand and accept yourself before you can move forward. Then you need to approach your relationships with 100% honesty about who you are and what you need.

In my case, I was an introvert trying to date extroverts. I didn't understand what it really meant to be an introvert or that it wasn't a flaw that needed correcting. This book changed my life: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.

I also hadn't found a relationship in which I felt completely safe being honest without fear of judgement. That's as much on your partner as you, of course, but you can facilitate it by setting the example.

Once I knew myself and understood that I wasn't a bad person, I finally became open to meeting the right woman. It didn't happen overnight. When my perfect introvert found me, it took me a while to believe I was really capable of even having a relationship. Fortunately she had patience. We dated for a year, and now we're engaged. :)

u/201109212215 · 7 pointsr/sex

Tell him to read what you just wrote, and buy him this:

u/Throwyourtoothbrush · 7 pointsr/relationships
  1. Try having sex in the morning.

  2. Try asking your wife about HER sexual fantasies.

  3. Ask if she'll let you buy her lingerie

  4. Start giving her massages. This builds physical and emotional intimacy, which will lead to more sexual intimacy.

  5. Start having date nights. A woman's sexual desire is slow burning. It can take a few hours of feeling playful and intimate to lead to pleasurable and exciting sex... guys? They can be ready to go in 30 seconds. We're different, and matching our sexual rhythms requires effort, and compromise.

  6. Read and research! The internet sex you're watching? IT'S PLAY SEX! It's theater! Read actual books about how to ignite your relationship. 99.98% of porn is made for men. You are going to see what men want in porn.... what the lady is asking for? That's what men want ladies to ask for! I'm not saying that no women enjoy what happens in porn, I'm saying: how often do you see a guy rubbing a woman's clit while he's Fucking her? Almost never! How often do you see an extended vag munching session? Almost never! Try this book

  7. TALK TO YOUR WIFE! Sex with busy lives and children in the house takes planning. It can feel less than romantic to look at schedules and plan alone time, but a good sex life is the glue that holds a marriage together. It should be important enough to reserve space for in your busy lives.

  8. I really think cam sex is cheating. I don't think it's as small of a deal as you're making it out to be. My opinion is mine alone, but I'm a pretty sexually adventurous person, and I would not stand for my partner camming without my explicit permission. I'm pretty sure that I would grant permission because we're not strictly monogamous, but heads would roll If he went behind my back. You should really feel out this decision and its impact.

  9. Don't believe everything you see in porn. Adults talk about sex. They negotiate the rules. They ask for permission. They say " I really want you to sit on my face. Will you do that?" "Can I spank you? Let me know if I'm too hard" "licking your pussy is so hot. Can I try rimming you, too? If you don't like it I'll stop" Asking for permission can be telling your partner that they're sexy.. its not sitting down with a pencil and clipboard for an extensive survey.

  10. I promise your wife has sexual fantasies. Help her awaken them and explore them. Help her find the time to be intimate with you!
u/NeverTheOP · 7 pointsr/smalldickproblems

You're being too hard on yourself. Women will come much harder when you use your tongue, trust me. If you dont believe me just get this book:

u/TheLeaderIsGood · 7 pointsr/

> I did not mean to blame a particular group of women. I just mean that it sounds to me as though women sometimes blame advertising for their insecurities.

But you are blaming a really large population (half the population of the world) - that's a pretty huge statement. And the irony is that you are calling women silly but doing so with lazy thinking - you haven't looked into the issue and haven't studied advertising, yet you feel qualified to state that they are silly for thinking it has an influence on them. Do you see the irony in that?

> I really don't know whether "men" overall are or aren't. What I mean is that in my experience, men are not as vocal as women about the social issue of ad-driven insecurity.

And considering that men aren't silent when they feel something is unfair against them - just check out the many whines of guys on reddit for examples, such as the 'nice guy' myth and the whole 'friendzone' thing for two of the most common examples. So if advertising was as prevalent in telling men they are fat/ugly/smelly/leaky, surely we would see the complaints. In fact, ads are getting more active in their attacks on men and you do see some complaints (in r/oney, usually) but this is a recent thing (in terms of decades) whereas for as long as advertising has been about, it's been harrassing women to better themselves with products to make themselves desirable and good wives. Actually until recently (and still quite often you'll find this) the authoritative voice in an ad is male and the subject of the ad is female - detergent ads tend to do this a lot.

> I had to laugh at myself on this one, because you are right. I am in science and if there is one thing I am always learning it is how ignorant I am!

And I work in marketing :)

> The point I was trying to make is that advertising is a supply-demand industry. If the demand wasn't there, i.e. if people stopped consuming it, advertising would dry up.

I thought it was pretty well known that in the last 3 or 4 decades, this just hasn't been true. We are not in need of very much these days, we have everything we need but marketing agencies create a false need... they create a gap and then they fill it with their product. Just look at the stampedes that have taken place over things like games, furniture, face cream - there is no need, there is no scarce resource... but the seriously clever and manipulative marketing agency has created this 'need' and 'demand'.

I think you would enjoy looking into the tactics of marketing; it's fascinating and really scary. A bit of a pop-psyche book but a quick read is 'Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion'. I recently read it as I want to know mine enemy so that I can arm myself :)

> Personally I choose not to "consume" entertainment goods that make me feel bad about myself.

Me too but I find myself having to consciously not look at the ads around me, not let the ads on telly come on (mute!), not read the ads in magazines, not look at the bilboards in the tube station while I wait for my train, not look at the ads in the train itself... they're everywhere and it's tiring, seriously. When I turned 30, I realised that the face cream ads were now directed at me and just added it to my list of things to block out.

The problem is that you need to actively block it out because passively, you will take it in. They are subtle manipulations.

u/lnfinity · 7 pointsr/vegan

I think what you are planning to say is pretty good. Be aware that you aren't going to be able to use a one size fits all answer for every situation you encounter (but there are probably less than a dozen answers that will fit 90% of your encounters with omnivores).

I want to correct your use of the term "door-in-the-face". The Door-in-the-face technique is a tactic for getting someone to agree to a moderate request by first asking them for something significantly larger that they are unlikely to agree to. An example of this would be asking someone to go entirely vegan right away and then when they reject that request asking if they'd at least be willing to eat no meat on Mondays. Using this strategy is often much more effective for getting people to avoid meat on Mondays than simply asking them if they'd be willing to do that.

Your use of the foot-in-the-door technique is also a bit off. This is a strategy for getting someone to agree to a large request by first asking them for something small that they would be much more likely to agree to. For example you could ask people to put up a small sticker in their window that says "I support animal rights" then return a month later and ask them to give up meat. They'd be much more likely to give up meat using this strategy than had you asked them upfront.

The book Change of Heart by Nick Cooney (the founder of the Humane League) discusses many more strategies like this for being an effective activist. Another excellent book that I read on the subject of compliance tactics is Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion although this one isn't specifically about animal rights activism.

u/MihalyOnLife · 7 pointsr/bjj

Manipulation of the perception of scarcity (and artificial scarcity) is one of the oldest persuasion and sales tricks in the book, and it's particularly effective in fanatical sub-markets where collecting is a thing. Card trading, music markets (limited edition box sets, etc.) Act now, only 3 left, etc. Only going on sale at midnight, etc. All fucking stupid [trite sales tactics] ( that date back to the mid 20th century and earlier.

u/minikites · 7 pointsr/TrueReddit

I thought that too, until:

>Pete turned to me with a completely serious expression, an expression devoid of even the faintest flicker of a smile, and said, “This is the worst place on earth. We’re in it. Right now. No, it’s not even earth. It’s hell.”

I'm a pretty big introvert, but there's a difference in feeling tired around people and that kind of misanthropy. I've been to six weddings so far this summer (Seriously. And two more to go.) and when I start feeling overwhelmed, I take a walk in the hallways or outside for a few minutes. It's never occurred to me to think of other people the way Pete did.

You'd probably like this book; I did:

u/psychoalchemist · 7 pointsr/Meditation

Introversion is not a 'problem', it is simply an orientation.

u/Ember357 · 7 pointsr/AskWomen

I feel ya. Same boat, different paddle. Have you read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking It is helping me embrace my Ambiverted self.

u/angryundead · 7 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

Not just Arabs: you have to be trained to kill. To minimize the psychological hesitation in the moment. To put rounds on target (on people) instead of just in the vague direction of people. Turns out humans just don't like to kill other humans (or at least at scale).

Some books a Marine recommended to me once: On Killing and Training for the Fight. There are criticisms of both books but it is a continuing field of study.

u/le-chacal · 7 pointsr/infp

On the one hand I notice this trait in myself in watching violent movies and reading military history. Right now I'm reading The Kindly Ones by Johnathan Littell. It's a historical memoir written from the perspective of an officer in the Einsatzgruppen on the Eastern Front as Nazi Germany advances towards Moscow and later his experiences in the concentration camps. Even when I was in middle school I remember my parents would ask me why can't I read about good things. I have no interest in reading about good people unless they are destroying evil people. When I was 14, I rode my bike to the library to read the book On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society in secret. It was an enlightening survey on the true cost of taking a human life. The book as a whole really struck a cord in me when it broke people down into categories of sheep, sheep dogs, and wolves here's the article.

But I also think people have a tendency for voyeurism. The film Nigh Crawler comes to mind. People are seeking a hit of dopamine on the late night news from garden variety brutality and macabre. The Amanda Knox trial or the German pilot who just crashed the jetliner into the Alps. Shit, they're probably about to talk about a murder in the inner city right now.

u/cat-gun · 7 pointsr/SexWorkers

My sympathies. I've not burnt out from sex work, but I have burnt out from other kinds of work, and I've found these two books to be helpfu:

  1. Do you enjoy any of your clients? Have any regulars that you like? If so, perhaps you can limit your clients to those you get along with.

  2. Have you considered taking an extended break (assuming that's possible financially)? Maybe going for a long hike along the Appalachian trail, or working on an organic farm in Costa Rica?

  3. People who treat other people poorly have often been treated poorly themselves. Or they feel weak and powerless. As a result, they try to make themselves feel more powerful by cutting other people down. As a sex worker, you sometimes provide comfort and pleasure to people with such wounded psyche's. But their behavior not really about you, it's about the pain they feel inside. Perhaps viewing yourself as a 'psychic nurse' trying to soothe someone's internal pain will help not taking your client's bad behavior personally.
u/WanderingJones · 7 pointsr/selfhelp

The big key is you need something repeatable that you can practice. For that I like cognitive behavioral therapy (I would read Feeling Good) and meditation (I like Meditation in Plain English, a free book). CBT is a good way to stop believing things that aren't true and meditation is a good way to help ignore the things that are.

u/bokertovelijah · 7 pointsr/AskAcademia

Also, you were smart enough to get into the program, and that's the bottom line. Good enough gets the same degree as everybody better.

I was advised to read Feeling Good by a friend who felt the same way, and the activities in there helped me tremendously.

u/pilibitti · 7 pointsr/OneY

Hi there!

>I don't think it's depression. I've had moments of extreme loneliness, but It's never been crippling. I can function just fine.

Honestly, you sound pretty depressed. You don't need to be crippled by it to be depressed. For some people it is mild, and stays that way (or goes away). For some, it becomes worse over time. But the way you describe screams depression to me.

As a practical guide, look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a start. You don't require a therapist for it (although it would be nice but I know you won't (or can't) be going that route as a start). So I suggest you this book. I witnessed it helping tremendously to many people first hand (if you do your CBT homework as presented in the book). Research it first and see what you are getting into. This is not an ad, if you want I can send you a digital copy (pirated) or you can find it online. I just want you to consider it. Best of luck.

u/drumdance · 7 pointsr/seduction

This is a great synopsis. The goal of advertising is to make you feel at bad about your current situation, and to believe that the product offered will cure that sadness. It can be something mundane like floor wax ("my floor will no longer look like shit") or aspirational like an iPhone ("my boring life will become awesome").

If you get the target emotionally engaged, the next step is get them to take action, which is why so many TV ads end with "Call now at 800-xxx-xxxx." They don't want there to be any doubt about the next step.

The book Influence talks about some other ideas that help motivate action, such as:

  • Social proof
  • Scarcity
  • Authority (aka confidence)
  • Commitment and consistency

    I got interested in pickup because I had already read Influence and saw some similarities.

    Edit: typos
u/latortuga · 7 pointsr/TrueAtheism

I recommend that she read Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. Even people with finely-tuned BS meters fall for all sorts of psychological tricks in very reliable ways. It's important to know about them beforehand so that you know when you experience them being used on you.

u/onlinedatingscum · 7 pointsr/OkCupid

Or they think that after you've put in all that energy, you'll overlook it. There is actually a psychological phenomenon behind this that I read about in this book: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion

Basically, once you've put in the energy to do something, you tend to try to convince yourself that you didn't waste all that energy in vain. It's the reason all those infomercials give you that "if you're not completely satisfied, send it back within 90 days" bullshit. There actually is science behind this. Here's how these girls use it to their advantage:

Once I met a girl on okcupid that was really cute in her profile. But, when we met in person she was twice as big as she was in her pics. I wish this was hyperbole. She told me that those pics were from when she was spending $500 a month on a personal trainer to look hot for her high school reunion. I'm the lucky guy that got to date her six months later.

Needless to say, when I first saw her my initial thought was, "I wish I had explosive diarrhea right now so I could get out of this". But, after the introduction, my thoughts changed to, "Well, I might as well make the best of a crappy situation and try to enjoy the meal". At the end of the night, "You know, let's say she hypothetically offered me a BJ with no strings attached, I'd be down". And, as I walked her back to her car, "There's no way I'm going on a second date with her. I mean... at least not unless she begs for it". It's easy to see how I'd be paying child support right now if she played her cards right.

u/newbie80 · 7 pointsr/INTP

Books man. The list I have to develop this is huge. But these three are a good start.

Develop Social Intelligence

Social Intelligence.

Be aware of your emotions.

Emotional Intelligence 2.0

Read other peoples emotions/thoughts.

What Every BODY is Saying

Branch out from there.

u/rubygeek · 7 pointsr/seduction

Restricting your hand movements is in general a "pacifying" behaviour. If pacifying behaviours increase in frequency, then she's likely nervous or uncomfortable. If she's positioning her arms so they cover up her abdomen, that's another strong pacifying behaviour.

Note that pacifying behaviours on their own means nothing. What matters is if they increase or decrease in frequency.

Source: What every body is saying? by Joe Navarro). I strongly recommend that book to get a no nonsense description of how to interpret various body language.

u/kreepin · 7 pointsr/bodylanguage
u/fidelitypdx · 7 pointsr/Portland

No, you can divorce it.

He's being an asshole. That's it. Full stop.

A mechanism by which he is being an asshole is his sitting preferences. He knows he's causing a problem for other people, that's why he's doing it.

Other people sit that way for totally different reasons completely unrelated to being an asshole. Men, generally, sit with their legs wide when they're very comfortable or relaxed, and sometimes when they're aggressive. I recommend you check out "What every BODY is saying" if you want more analysis on seated preferences of men and how they use their feet to express emotion.

u/faRawrie · 7 pointsr/everymanshouldknow

You forgot foot proximity and direction. The closer feet are between two people conversing show a great deal of comfort between the two. The direction that the feet are facing are also good indicators of if that person is interested in you or the conversation. For instance, if you are telling them about how awesome the duck billed platypus is and their feet are toward the door while their upper body is facing you that is a good indicator this person wants to leave. Leg crossing can be a sign of discomfort and is often associated with shielding. Shielding is when someone feels discomfort or nervous and essentially builds a barrier between them and the source of discomfort. Crossed arms, crossed legs, maybe putting a purse or drink between the source and themselves. If in mid conversation you mention your impressive video game collection and the girl in question, who has been leaning close to you all night, starts to lean back in her chair, crosses her legs and arms, and places her hand on her neck she might not be too impressed. Neck touching can also be a good indicator of nervousness and discomfort. Women often touch their suprasternal notch when nervous, it can be very casual maybe with the index and middle finger while their arms are crossed. Neck touching is a soothing gesture, it can lower heart rate and blood pressure.

The big thing about all of this is finding a baseline of body language actions people do. None of this is written in stone, some people might just touch their neck or cross their legs. If in a bar a girl might not feel comfortable with the crowd but are interested with you.

If you want a reference for all of this I got it from Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlin's "What Every Body is Saying". Joe Navarro worked for the FBI as an interrogator. Navarro was called "The Human Lie Detector. It wont directly teach you how to pick up girls, however it will teach you how to tell of someone doesn't feel comfy around you or with what you are saying. Another good thing to study is Paul Ekman's website on micro gestures in the face. It costs about $70 to subscribe, but you learn a lot.

What Every Body is Saying on Amazon
Paul Ekman's website

u/Playerhypo · 7 pointsr/sex

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman - the Author was a Premature Ejaculator, and this is his tale. Hasn't failed me a day since.

u/unserplatz · 7 pointsr/sex

Over 70% of women can't orgasm from intercourse alone - that is a fact. Most still find it enjoyable - it feels good, it's intimate and it's hot to see you partner's pleasure.

>what can men do to accomdate women?

Give your lady lots of clitoral stimulation. Making her cum from oral before you enter her usually works very well. I highly reccomend this book, if you want to learn how to be a good lover.

u/SilverSpoonGoon · 7 pointsr/AskMen

I have a few sources you can look at (mostly from the /r/sex wiki ):

  • Read the top comment on this thread.

  • Read this thread.

  • Read these articles on the subject.

  • Get your hands on this book if you can.

  • Watch this brilliant Sexologist's video
    on the subject.

  • Watch this brilliant Pornstar/Sexologist's "hands on approach" on the subject with this video NSFW

    I hope this gives you the info you need.

u/Remus90 · 7 pointsr/BDSMcommunity
New Topping and New Bottoming books a good overview of how to set up, the different types, and responsibilities of each person in a scene and explores the emotional side of it.

Examines the entire kink culture and how and why people can safely get involved. All the different symbols, types of D/s way more definitions then I have here, the difference between a kink club, sex club, fetish night, leather bar etc. is all here. The back has a great long overview of many possible kinks and a chart for you to map out your experience and limit levels with each one. Also has a glossary of more books.

Also i'm new to relationships in general but to really learn how to make a woman feel good you might want to look into She Comes First. As you'll see from reviews even couples who've been together a long time really got 'energized' by the book. Also good at dispelling many myths around female sexuality that both men and women might think.

u/ascw · 7 pointsr/INTP

Someone on Reddit suggested this book

And after reading I smoked my last cigarette as the book suggested, gave my pack to some random guy that was walking by, and that was it.

Afterwards I loaned the book out to quite a few people and everyone of them that read it and followed the rules quit for good.

u/dillonsrule · 7 pointsr/QuitVaping

This is going to sound really dumb and jive, but get and read this book:

Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking. It is all about changing your mindset so that you are happy that you are quit. It really helps with withdrawal, which is far more mental than you might expect. I know this seems really dumb, but search this sub for mentions of the book. You'll see that a TON of people on here were able to quit after reading it. I don't care where/how you get it. Download it on kindle, buy an old copy, pirate it, whatever you need to do. I think it will help you a lot!

You are on your way and sound pretty committed. I think you'll enjoy the book and it can help you a lot. The book is about quitting cigarettes, but I think you'll be able to apply the lessons to vaping as well.

u/s18m · 7 pointsr/india

I quit smoking after 16 years but I guess it's the same issue with chewing tobacco as well. Obviously you need to be in the right frame of mind but I read a book which helped loads. It's called Alan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking.

The problem with tobacco addiction (at least it was in my case) was believing I wouldn't make it a day without it. I'd smoke one minutes before sleeping and smoke one literally minutes after waking up.

This book basically takes every preconceived notion/argument you'd make (as an addict) and logically explains why you would make said argument and how to deal with it. Long story short, you won't have anything to defend your smoking addiction with after reading it. I gave it up 3 years ago and haven't felt the need to pick up a cigarette since.

OP, get the person a copy of the book. Ask them to read it with an open mind. 3 days is all you have to control for, after that it's smooth sailing. :)

EDIT: Also, don't substitute it with something else.

u/TargetBoy · 7 pointsr/self

For an interesting read on this topic, there's a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" amazon that does a pretty thorough breakdown on the "Nice Guy" who never gets ahead and what they can do about it.

Turns out a lot of things that the "Nice Guys" do aren't very nice and are what are turning women off, not the need for "jerks".

u/_Molon_Labe_ · 7 pointsr/TheRedPill

Get a therapist. I don't say that in a negative way. I mean that the best person to help you identify and work through your issues, especially if you're the typical "nice guy," is a licensed therapist. Obviously, not all therapists are created equal, and not all are good for men.

If you're wanting some material for yourself to read, before you get to a therapist, there is:

No More Mr Nice Guy by DR Donald Glover - focus on identifying past issues and self improvement.

And the website of Dr Tara J Palmatier, Shrink4men - more focused on healing and recovery from relationships with women possessing a variety of social disorders.

Again, if you're really trying to work through some serious issues, you're going to walk to talk to a professional, that is aimed squarely at men. That cuts out probably 95% of female therapists, and about 60% of male therapists. If you have serious issues from your past that affect your behavior its really hard to self-diagnose, and self-treat, which is why most men deal with those issues through booze or drugs or women, or more commonly videogames and isolation.

u/FullAmpleSally · 7 pointsr/The_Donald

I highly recommend this [book] (

It wont heal your pain, but it will make sure you're going in the right direction. It will change your life.

u/trrrrouble · 7 pointsr/Android

> Mostly at work & mostly around friends, I'm a meek person. In fact, you could say I take shit. Somebody gets sick, they call me to cover a shift. I virtually never say no. Stay late, I say yes. I'm usually non confrontational, unless someone/something gets under my skin. When someone does, eventually get under my skin? I sort of lose all my pent up frustration in one big hit.

Hey, I know this is unsolicited life advice, but you should read No More Mr Nice Guy ^torrent. Your description of your personality matches what's in that book 100%.

u/megatron37 · 7 pointsr/TheRedPill

Hello 29 year old version of me, from the 36 year old version of me. Since you're a reader of actual books, this should be pretty easy.

  1. Women judge others (both genders) based on clothing. Doesn't matter if it's fair or not, they just do. If you roll into a bar rocking UFC branded clothing, it's not going to work. I used the Details Guide to Style to up my style game.

  2. Books? My man. First: No More Mr. Nice Guy. You will be blown away at how he says that everything you've done with women is wrong. I realize you've said that you handed it to your therapist, but by the questions you're asking, you haven't started to live it yet. Second: Models by Mark Manson. There are other resources, but read those two first. Come back to Rational Male afterwards.

  3. Here's what I gather about online dating:
    Okcupid/Plentyoffish: free sites, lots of cheapos/weirdos. Probably decent for hookups.
    Match: Pay site, has a moderate "meat market" feel to it.
    Eharmony: the most expensive, best for meeting long term relationship material

  4. Hold off on having kids. Focus on you for a while.

  5. You were a lifelong feminist? How did that work out for you? TRP will help out a lot with this.

  6. Sorry, I have no idea what this question is asking.

  7. When you start feeling confident - believing in yourself, standing tall, not breaking eye contact - people will respect you.

  8. I banged a few substandard women to get it wet after my divorce. While it was great to spread the seed around (wear a condom), be forewarned - low quality, insecure women can be really hard to get rid of.

  9. Buying dinner is one thing - buying her jewelry and shit is another (don't do it.) PS - she should be offering to buy dinner/drinks every now and again. Take her up on it. If she never offers to pay for anything, she views you as a cash register, get rid of her.

  10. I'm not a fan of counseling myself, but live your life. I'm not sure how many hard-charging badass counselors there are out there but if you're not happy with his level of service, find another one.

    Overall Impressions/Recommendations:

  • You really seem intent on asking other dudes for permission/approval. I'm sorry that you didn't have a male role model, but you need to start doing things that YOU approve of, and make YOU happy. This is the essence of TRP.

  • Once your phase of crying/drinking/feeling sorry for yourself is over, take some time, and work on YOU. Improve yourself before you get out there.
  • Get your ass into a gym. Lifting weights will get your testosterone flowing, and get all of that shameful, feminist estrogen out of your system.
  • Get a hobby. I was feeling powerless after my divorce. In addition to weightlifting, I started martial arts lessons. All of the time I would spend by myself drinking beer and playing video games, I converted into weight training/martial arts time. It will turn you from a little whimpering beta into a bad motherfucker. Plus you'll have something to talk about on dates. No woman gives a fuck about how you beat level 35 of Knight's Quest 8.

    It's a lot to deal with at once, and I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy. But you know what? A year after I got divorced, I was banging women 8 years younger than my ex-wife. You can do this.

u/Rikkety · 7 pointsr/AskMenOver30

You sound like the me of about a year ago. There's a lot of things I recognize from your post. I also felt like I failed at life. I disliked my job, felt like everyone was passing me by, I had anxiety issues, I had a hard time connecting with people, especially women, couldn't get motivated to do even basic stuff and was always worrying about what other people thought about me.

Now, I feel good about myself, I'm starting a dream job in 2 months, I enjoy talking to people (and they to me) , I'm more productive than I ever was, and I'm dating a pretty cool woman. I'm only a few years older that you are, but I hope I can help you find your path to a better life.

The first thing you need to realize is you are not failing in life. You are 27 and have many years ahead of you. You can make those years into a wonderful adventure. It'll take some hard work, but guess what: everything worthwhile does. So, maybe you need some extra time to figure out how to proceed in life.

You need to be true to yourself, stop worrying about other people, and learn to love yourself for who you are. Easier said than done, to be sure, but it's possible. I'm going to say a lot thing about the kind of person I think you are (or see yourself as), some of them may be wrong, but try to see the bigger picture. If it helps, just imagine I'm talking about myself instead of you.

> And I know this is not a competition.

You say that, but everything else you write in those two paragraphs (career and future) screams the opposite.
You need to ask yourself: what do you want to do? What would you like to achieve. These aren't easy questions, but I'll come back to those later. For now, just know that whatever everybody else is doing is totally irrelevant to your happiness, or at least, it should be. You don't owe anybody anything. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but you. There will always be people with better jobs, bigger brains and hotter girlfriends than you. That doesn't mean you are inferior, unless you define yourself by just those things.

So don't do that.

You seem like you derive most of your self-worth from external sources, meaning that if those external things (career, social status) take a turn for the worse, they affect your self images. You seem to need approval from other people to feel good about yourself, which causes you to act in ways you think others will approve of, instead of what you really want. You're measuring yourself against others, instead of against your own personal yardstick. You're hiding your personal needs and flaws because you're afraid other people will dislike, judge, or abandon you because of them. Right now the biggest thing standing in the way of your happiness is that deep down, you don't believe you deserve the life you want. You have a negative self-image and you're holding yourself back because of it. You have internalized these negative thought patterns for whatever reason, and you need to break out of them, because they are counter-productive.

You need to start believing that you are a person deserving of happiness, love and respect, despite your imperfections. You need to stop caring about other people's opinions and stand up for your own. You need to put your own needs and wants first, instead of catering to others.

You are responsible for your life and no one else's. That means both that you're the only one you need to answer to, and that you're the only one who can make you a happy person. That means figuring out who you want to be. Which, like I said, is not an easy question when you spent most of your life figuring out who "they" want you to be. But I assure you, it's worth it.

I apologize if I'm rambling (remember, I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you), but this is where my life changed. And it's still changing: it's a work in progress and I will probably never be completely done.

I would recommend you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. You can read the first few pages on Amazon; see if you recognize anything in it. (Or have a look at the web site.) If you do, torrent it, get it from in one of their billion promotions or better yet, buy a physical copy (that always works best for me). If you can't afford it, PM me and I'll send you a copy on my expense. It goes into a lot more detail on the issues I've only vaguely outlined above. It seems to me you are a textbook "Nice Guy". (Which is, in fact, anything but nice.) Glover outlines the symptoms of the Nice Guy syndrome, why these behaviors are counter-productive, and how to change the underlying thought patterns step by step.

To stop being a "Nice Guy" is not to become an asshole, by the way. In fact, you'll probably become a better, more honest and genuine person because of it. One caveat: it has some material about masculinity and femininity, which some people find a bit misogynistic as they feel it paints women as the Bad Guy (or Girl, I guess) behind this phenomenon. I didn't see it that way. I don't think resentment towards women is justified based on this issue.

This book literally helped change my life. I was also lucky enough to have some great friends who believed in me even when I didn't. A support system in crucial for successfully turning your life around, because you need people you can trust, who can pick you up when things don't go as smoothly as you hope. A few good friends is enough. Maybe siblings if you have any. Let them know what you're trying to do, and I'm sure they're willing to help. If you don't know anyone who could, hit me up and I'll support where I can.

Some other books that have helped transform into a new person the past year were "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane (helped with my social anxiety) and "The 7 habits of highly productive people" by Stephen Covey (helped with being an effective person and getting my priorities straight). These three share some common ground, as they all demand you reform your thought patterns in order to genuinely be yourself, before any real change can happen. I found they really complemented each other rather nicely for the particular rut I was in.

Some other tools that have helped me (that others have already mentioned as well) : exercise, meditation, keeping a journal, positive affirmations, talking to people I trust, hugs, playing music, asking for help when i needed it. Maybe these sound trivial, but I couldn't have done it without these factors.

I hope you read this far. If you have, let me know, even if you think I'm talking out my ass. I'd like to know what you think about it.

You can do it. You deserve to be happy. You have the power to change. You are an awesome person and it's time you show the world.

u/complyordie222 · 7 pointsr/TheRedPill

If you havnt already, definitely read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (

Sounds like you are on the right track but the key to everything is about balance, push the envelope out a little bit more each time to see where the push/pull sweet spot lies.

u/JackGetsIt · 7 pointsr/asktrp

Money: Watch this over and over, take notes and internalize the information. Read this. Live within your means.

Social Contacts: Fnordsnord covered it. Also read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Actually take notes, practice what you read and reread. Read this blog post.

Women: You're already on redpill so you're probably pretty set on knowledge there. Read this, this, and this anyway. Internalize, practice, reread.

Life: Two suggestions, 1) Your first reaction to things isn't always the right reaction. 2) Prepare to fail. Skipped a gym visit or missed a lift? Chump = give up. Man = you were prepared for this it doesn't phase you. You're back at it tomorrow. Narrow your life to a few important things and work daily on them. Don't overdo it just plod along. All the greatest achievements in life are done with steady hard work. Read this

Career: Every two-four weeks or so update your resume (keep two versions of your resume, a super long form with absolutely every reference, accomplishments, phone number, address, date, etc and a super short form single page one with all the highlights, make it pretty) and glance for either a higher paying job within your field or a higher status job. Always secure a new job before leaving an old one. If you're still in college or decide to go back, pick a career field that will be in demand when you graduate. Start applying while you are still in school. Read this.

Organization: buy a simple small 2 drawer filing cabinet and manilla folders, put important docs in there. Digitize super important docs. Clean it out every once in a while. Watch this.

Study habits/learning habits: I don't really have time to go into this in any detail but go to everyclass. Take comprehensive notes, ask a shit ton of questions, bounce new things you're learning off people and discuss it as much as possible. Find people that know the material better than you and spend time with them. Take those notes you wrote and get a piece of paper. Draw three columns. Right column is most important info that might be on test/eval, center column is that same info in short hand, left column is a visual representation of the information that might help you daisy chain memorize it. This is my own technique so PM if you'd like more clarification. Turn every assignment in no matter how poor the quality. Last but not least one more time prepare to fail. Talk to your boss or professor if you're slipping; our first impulse is to turn inward and blame yourself and not seek others to help because it looks weak. Like I said your first reaction/feeling isn't always the right one. Prepare to fail. Be antifragile. Good luck; you don't need it if you apply yourself, plan, and work diligently.

Edit: One last thing. Statistically you will live a long time. Think with your future self in mind everyday.

u/sorokine · 7 pointsr/selfhelp


Congratulations on your decision to get help! You can do it. In you post history, I can see that you struggle with depression.

First, where are you located? Are you in Europe, in the US, somewhere else? In most places, you can find therapists. Are you still in school or studying? Many schools and universities offer free mental health councelling. Check those out! Depending on your situation, you might be able to qualify for government assistance. I am not in the US, but I believe you can check to find out if you qualify and take your next steps from there. If you don't qualify, there is a very cool blog post by a psychologist on how to get mental health care on a budget:

Let me quote from that article:

"This section is on ways to do therapy if you cannot afford a traditional therapist. There may also be other options specific to your area, like training clinics attached to colleges that charge “sliding scale” fees (ie they will charge you less if you can’t afford full price).

1. Bibliotherapy: If you’re doing a specific therapy for a specific problem (as opposed to just trying to vent or organize your thoughts), studies generally find that doing therapy out of a textbook works just as well as doing it with a real therapist. I usually recommend David Burns’ therapy books: Feeling Good for depression and When Panic Attacks for anxiety. If you have anger, emotional breakdowns, or other borderline-adjacent symptoms, consider a DBT skills workbook. For OCD, Brain Lock.

2. Free support groups: Alcoholics Anonymous is neither as great as the proponents say nor as terrible as the detractors say; for a balanced look, see here. There are countless different spinoffs for non-religious people or people with various demographic characteristics or different drugs. But there are also groups for gambling addiction, sex addiction, and food addiction (including eating disorders). There’s a list of anxiety and depression support groups here. Groups for conditions like social anxiety can be especially helpful since going to the group is itself a form of exposure therapy.

3. Therapy startups: These are companies like BetterHelp and TalkSpace which offer remote therapy for something like $50/week. I was previously more bullish on these; more recently, it looks like they have stopped offering free videochat with a subscription. That means you may be limited to texting your therapist about very specific things you are doing that day, which isn’t really therapy. And some awful thinkpiece sites that always hate everything are also skeptical. I am interested in hearing experiences from anyone who has used these sites. Until then, consider them use-at-your-own-risk." (end quote)

There are also sections on prescription medicine and on supplements in that article. Check it out!

If you are in a particularly bad spot or just need somebody to talk, there are lots of phone lines and services where you can call in for free. One example: (US-based).

There are also subreddits like /r/depression where you can get help from people who actually know what they are talking about.


Good luck and hang in there!



u/vhmPook · 7 pointsr/AskMen

You have to learn to realize your thoughts don't always make logical sense and combat them either in the moment or before they jump on you. I'd strongly recommend the book Feeling Good which goes into detail about some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.

In general and for me, I accept too much blame for things or assume things will go badly. A quick short cut for me is to place the blame back outward. An easy example might be something like showing up to the wrong movie time. "It's not my fault we showed up to the wrong movie time, my girlfriend was the one to look up the times on her phone, no reason for me to feel awkward."

u/ThunderMountain · 7 pointsr/polyamory

You’ve already done a service by explaining to him some reasons behind the break-up. At this point it’s more important to take care of yourself.

You should seek professional help for the self harm, but also checkout the book, “feeling good” the new mood therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. Amazon has a feel sample

Also heres an episode of the Multiamory podcast directly related to break-up that I’ve found very helpful myself.

70 - Polyamorous Breakups

u/Jordbord · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

No problem, my guy! Okay so book-wise. The two main recommendations are dependent on what it is you're going through, so choose your own adventure I guess...

So for a broad take on what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which is what I'm describing above) is with perhaps somewhat more of a focus on depression than anything else I'd go with this:

However if you want something from the same author that specialises more specifically in CBT for Anxiety it's this:

I personally read 2/3 the way through the first one wandering when it was going to go more into Anxiety until I found the second one and just went through all of that myself. But as I've mentioned, the first one introduces you to the concept of CBT overall better. But both books have a handful of techniques that help you untangle certain thought illusions (or 'Cognitive Distortions' as they are officially titled) which cause Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Anger, etc.

As for other recommendations; Maybe my second favourite book is 10% Happier by Dan Harris, which is quite a popular one you may have heard of. Basically about an NBC reporter's journey through the world of meditation, which is also a really worthwhile subject to anyone interested in the upkeep of their own mental health or indeed the mental health of others.

Then I guess the book I've gifted the most and my personal favourite is Anxiety As An Ally by Dan Ryckert which is an account of a game journalist's experience with Anxiety growing up. Honestly the easiest book I've ever read. It's just so unpretentious and candid, genuinely funny at points too. I've found it's been a really nice way to get family members to understand what Anxiety or even mental health in general is. A very encouraging and vindicating read for anyone who has dealt with it.

u/ialan2 · 7 pointsr/AsianParentStories

If you don't like counselors or any other method that involves talking to someone there is another way. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

You know that voice inside your head that tells you bad things? CBT is a method of retraining that voice and to change your thinking pattern.

Heres a book I recommend:

u/ProfessorDoctorMF · 7 pointsr/leaves

So I'm not trying to be a dick by asking this but I have been reading this book about mindfulness and depression that was suggested on /r/Anxiety. One of the things the book talks about is the way depression fucks with our thinking. My question to you is "How do you know things won't get better?" Unless you have some sort of X-Men type power that can see into the future, you don't know that things will not get better. Sure 8 months seems like a long time but if you really really think about it, it's such a small amount of time in your life. Depression can really really cripple your mind. It twists reality into something that isn't the true, and it does it so well that you end up stuck in a loop of negative thinking. You get so down on yourself that you actually start to believe that those negative thoughts seem true. Stopping those negative thoughts is not an easy task, I'll give you that. I have been there, in fact many people have been there. You might be thinking "Dude, no one can understand where I am at right now. You don't know me!" You are right I don't know your struggles, but a struggle is a struggle no matter what it is, am I right? So why compare your struggles to someone elses's? Struggles are on a level playing field. what is not a level playing field is how long it takes us to overcome those struggles, and there should be no shame in that. Why? Because your still trying to overcome those struggles. Trust me in this, and I am sure everyone in this sub can attest to what I am about to say, giving up on overcoming those struggles isn't going to make you feel any better, change your life for the better, or make you feel good about yourself. Eventually it'll land you right back to where you started. The cycle will happen over and over again until you figure it out. Now you gotta ask yourself, how long do I want to stay in that cycle? My whole life? A few more times? Or do I just keep pushing forward, even if it's millimeters at a time? I say go with the millimeters. Sure you might not see immediate results, or maybe you will, but you don't know unless you keep moving those millimeters. And if you fail, accept that it happened. Don't wallow in that drowning sludge of sorrow and guilt. Wallowing just makes it harder. Forgive yourself and move on. I'll suggest 2 books that really have really helped me in understand my anxiety and depression a little better. First one is called The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Feeling Good by David Burns. I know the titles sound super hippy dippy and cheezy. I had that thought as well when they were suggested, but once I started reading them the stuff they were saying made a fuck ton of sense. I found myself often saying "Holy shit! That is exactly how I feel and exactly my thought process. These are not cures, they are tools. Like any tool you can either let it sit there or you can pick it up and try to figure out how to use it to your advantage and you have to keep applying it. It might sound daunting but believe me friend the more you practice it the easier it is. Please give those books a try, I mean considering the alternative (staying where you are at or going back to something that is going to make you feel worse about yourself) what is $20 and an hour of reading for a couple of months? Also, fucking 8 months!!! Holy shit! That is fan-friggin'-tastic. How about staying in it for another two months and make it a year. You're a warrior! You can do it. You just gotta try to break out of that cycle and rewire that negative thought pattern. I promise you it's easier than you think...or your depression thinks.

u/Caroline_Bintley · 7 pointsr/datingoverthirty

>I wonder if these nagging feelings will continue, and if it’s worth giving up an amazing connection with him to find someone who will be...I suppose easier in the sense that we can experience life together for the first time.

So. OP.

What I see you saying here is that you really care about this guy. He makes you genuinely happy, your relationship is strong, and you could see yourself building a life together.

HOWEVER, there is this issue between you that could potentially break your relationship. And if that happens, you would need to move on from the connection you've found with him. You'd return to the search, hoping to find someone more compatible to share your life with.

Do you see where I'm going with this? You can't imagine how your partner could want to be with you after committing to someone previously, but that's exactly what you're considering here.

Now imagine all this comes to pass. You end the relationship with your partner, you date around a while, and eventually you begin a new relationship with a different man. After being together a year, you're on solid footing and you're even discussing the possibility of marriage and a family together.

Tell me this: what is your take on this hypothetical new guy?

Would you be pining for the man you're with now? Would you be holding up the new guy to a standard he'd never meet? Would you accept his love and devotion begrudgingly while thinking "UGH I guess I'll have to settle for this second-rate knock off! I wish I could be with the love of my life - the one it didn't work out with. Too bad I'm stuck with this dumb fuckface who loves me and wants to see it work."

Or do you believe you could genuinely love again even if you'd cared deeply for someone else before? Even if he wasn't the first guy you'd considered a family with, would you still be excited to see where things went with him? Would you be excited about hitting certain relationship milestones with him?

Now, this isn't to convince you to ditch your current partner and go seek out something else - although obviously that's your call. But I would like you to put yourself in your partner's shoes for a moment.

Other people here have described you as selfish, but I suspect you're just insecure as fuck. You're not concerned that this great guy doesn't measure up to your standards, you're worried that you don't measure up to his. I would suggest that before you chuck an otherwise good relationship, you ask yourself if this is really about his past or if it's more about yours. Is it possible that this situation is just stirring up anxieties that existed before he came along?

If so, the solution will probably involve some self work. You might try journaling, written CBT exercises, working on your confidence, or even seeking out the guidance of a therapist. The change you see from those courses of action are probably going to be a lot quicker and frankly cheaper than cutting ties with a great partner and throwing yourself back out on the dating market hoping to find a partner who doesn't trigger your anxieties in one way or another.

u/rabenkrahe · 7 pointsr/Buddhism

Interesting discussion, but this description of CBT is a bit misleading. CBT is quite different from simple "positive affirmations", and in fact goes to some lengths to distance itself from that kind of "Pollyanna" approach to changing thoughts and emotions.

A cognitive behavioral therapist would never ever tell a depressed person to "think happy thoughts", but instead would use the Socratic method to carefully examine depressive thoughts like "I'm no good" or "My life has no meaning".

The idea is that by carefully considering the evidence, both negative and positive, one can discover that many negative thoughts are quite unrealistic and that there is an enormous amount of evidence that the world is not as black and white as people often believe.

If anyone's interested in a basic intro to CBT, Feeling Good is a simple, very readable primer on the basics.

u/120_pages · 7 pointsr/explainlikeimfive

Riding a bike is a complex process that requires co-ordinating many actions at the same time. In order to cope with activities like this, your brain creates automatic behaviors, and stores them in the basal ganglia where they can be recalled and used without conscious thought of each step.

These automatic behaviors are often called habits. They are really complex algorithms the brain encodes to relieve the processing load, so you can perform complex tasks without being so distracted that you are in danger from the world around you.

The brain knows to store a habit in the basal ganglia when you keep deliberately practicing the complex behavior with a great deal of attention. This is what happened when you learned to ride a bike. You practiced it over and over, paying intense attention to the various actions that go into keeping the bike moving and upright. At a certain point, usually when you get effective at the skill and start repeating the steps exactly, the brain encodes it into an automatic behavior and stores it in the basal ganglia.

This is the moment when you suddenly can do a skill without thinking about it.

The brain stores automatic behaviors indefinitely, but they retain freshness with frequent use. All that is required to refresh a habit is to practice the behavior. People speak of a skill "coming back to them." They are experienceing the brain accessing the habit in the basal ganglia because they are trying to do the habit steps using their conscious mind.

That is why you don't forget how to ride a bike.

It's also of interest to note that most of our waking life is governed by automatic behaviors stored in the basal ganglia. To optimize processor load efficiency, the brain will automate any repetitive activity. That's why you can go through your morning routine, and have no memory of it. You are literally on auto-pilot.

Source: this book and years of reading psych books.

u/Cb9000 · 7 pointsr/offmychest

Look, this may not be what you are looking to hear, but you should check out SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). I can relate to everything you are saying. Maybe you are a sex addict and maybe you aren't, but going to a meeting (you don't even have to talk) will show you there are others who can relate to everything you described.

I'm 45 and I've been struggling with this crap forever. I've tried everything; therapists, self help books and tapes, hypnosis, NLP, seminars and plain old white knuckle self control (ultimately the least effective- I've had some wild binge and purge cycles). Getting around people who know what you are going through from their personal experience AND WHO ARE IN RECOVERY is really the only thing that works.

I guarantee that at least half of the problems you listed are due to the fact that you know you are not living a satisfying, meaningful life. It really is true that you can run, but you can't hide - the bad feelings, procrastination, etc... is all about you knowing the truth about yourself and that truth is that you have something inside you that is valuable, unique and worthwhile, and you don't know how to get there from where you are right now. Being able to share yourself with others who get you without your having to explain (or defend) every little detail and who are also on the right path is like a fucking miracle.

I'm recommending SAA because everything you said is soooo familiar. Like I said, I'm 45 and I started with this shit sometime between preschool and kindergarten. It has affected EVERY aspect of my life and one of the things I think about these days are all the things that could have been.

I'm guessing you are probably still fairly young (teens or twenties?). You have a good life in front of you, start living it now.

I imagine that you have concerns as to whether this is really for you. Don't worry, you'll know. A life coach I went to described me as a "dry alcoholic" and gave me the AA bible. I read the stories and didn't relate to them at all. When someone handed me the Green Book of SAA and I read the stories, it was like they were talking about me with just the specific details changed. Get a copy of the Green Book and read through it, you'll know if it's for you or not.

If it turns out that I'm wrong, my advise is still the same. Find a group of people who understand where you're at because they've been there AND who are making or have made SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE PROGRESS in their own lives. They will be able to help you, and remember the second part is VERY IMPORTANT! Don't join a pity party circle jerk where you can feel better by wallowing in your misery with others.

Anyway, I hope I've given you something of value.

This my first post on Reddit, so I'm not sure what the links policy is, but I've included two links for you; one is for the SAA site, go there and just check it out, and the other is a pretty good book I've been reading on how we form and change habits. It draws from the latest psychological and neurological research and I think it's really good.

Just remember that even though you may not feel it all the time, you always have the capacity to grow and change and our darkest, most difficult challenges give us our greatest gifts when we turn around and look back at them.

Imagine yourself in the future, look back, and see the gift.

What is it?

I'll pop back in in a few days to see how you're doing. Remember you're not alone. God bless.

u/82Fireblazer · 7 pointsr/getdisciplined

I would read this summary of The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. If you want to go deeper and read the book I would recommend either purchasing the ebook, which is only $3, or getting a free trial of audible and getting it for free.

The thing that you have to understand is that we are creatures of habit, and most of them are bad. The best thing to do is to get a pen and a notepad and every time you notice a cue for a bad habit, write it down. Simply being aware of your bad habits is a great place to start. Then I would read the summary and make a plan for being more productive. Everyone is different so you may want to read the book for more insights.

More books that come highly recommended:

Deep Work by Cal Newport

Eat That Frog by Brian Tracey

Mastery by Brian Greene

Hope this helps

You also may want to check out the Discord server of r/getdisciplined. You can find it here

u/dasblog · 7 pointsr/getdisciplined

I may be talking out of my arse here, but I believe that research has been done into habit and it isn't just a psychological thing but your brain literally shapes itself around a habit. The more you do a thing the stronger the connections in your brain. (Obviously I've forgotten the technical language.)

By forming a new habit, you create new connections / paths in your brain. The good / bad news is, the more you do something the stronger those connections become. Good because it allows you to form new habits. Bad because it's harder to shake bad habits because they're literally part of your brain. (Again, I may be talking out of my arse.)

There's a good book about habits called The Power Of Habit if anybody is interested in a modern take on habit. It's not really a self-help book and more like one of those interesting pop-science books with a lot of interesting case studies. Such as how companies create habits to help sell their brand or how habits are used by winning sports teams.

u/acepincter · 7 pointsr/PsychologicalTricks

A friend recently told me about this book, which he's set to loan out to me next week (I haven't read it). It's helped him to change a number of habits, but when we talked about it, he made particular point to tell me about this crucial thing he'd learned from the book (assuming it is correct).

The author insists that A habit cannot be eliminated - but rather One habit can be replaced with another. It's as is there's a mental "Law of conservation of habit" that states that if one habit it eliminated, it must be replaced with a replacement activity or superceding habit.

How do you feel about this opinion and/or have you noticed "replacement" habits substitutions in your own efforts?

u/little_plum · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

It might benefit you to stop talking to him, to be honest. Evidently, he wasn't good boyfriend material, and it doesn't sound like he's any better at being a friend, or even a sane acquaintance.

Not to sound like an advertisement, but The Gift of Fear may be useful here.

And definitely keep a paper trail.

u/doomparrot42 · 7 pointsr/actuallesbians

Maybe she has a mental illness, maybe she grew up in an abusive home. Whatever the reason, horrible as it might sound, you can't help her, and trying to fix someone is frequently a great way to get trapped in an abusive relationship. It's aimed at women trying to understand abusive men, but you might want to check out Why Does He Do That. And maybe The Gift of Fear while you're at it.

u/MsCellophane · 7 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Better overreacting and safe than underreacting and hurt, right? There is this amazing, essential book called The Gift of Fear that would tell you that you did the exact right thing.

u/youre_being_a_dick · 7 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Follow this advice, OP. I also suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

u/MissyRed · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Unbelievable. What a child. My NMom also sometimes acts like my dad giving me fatherly love & attention is like some kind of threat/competition to her.

Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells?

Your story sounds like a story right out of the book. Something like 30% of borderline personality disordered people are narcissists too. I've been figuring out a lot about my NMom by learning about BPD.

u/zaikman · 7 pointsr/malementalhealth

The moment you said 'walking on eggshells', I knew how the rest of your story was going to play out. I was in a similar relationship for four years, which was about four years longer than I should have been in it.

There's a very good chance that your ex sufferers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I'd bet money on the fact that she had a narcissistic parent. The definitive book about dealing with people who suffer from BPD is actually called ['Stop Walking on Eggshells'] ( . I can't recommend it enough. Reading it was like reading a transcription of my daily life, as accurately as if someone had been following me around with a notepad and tape recorder.

Glad you're out of it, man. Hope you're doing better and learned a lot of valuable lessons about what you need and (just as importantly) what you deserve in a relationship.

u/CoachAtlus · 7 pointsr/streamentry

This is a fair question. A condition to practicing toward awakening is a desire to awaken, which comes from good teachings. For pragmatic dharma resources, I recommend you check out the sidebar links, particularly Daniel Ingram's MCTB and Ron Crouch's website (and, specifically, his post "Why Meditate?". Those inspired me to practice.

There are lots of other interesting books on the subject too, including Shinzen Young's recent book The Science of Enlightenment, Sam Harris's Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion, and Adyashanti's The End of Your World: Uncensored Straight Talk on the Nature of Enlightenment. Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now also is quite popular.

And, really, depending on your bent, you can't get any better than the original Buddhist teachings. On the subjects of Enlightenment, the Diamond Sutra and the Heart Sutra are two of my personal favorites. (These are as translated by Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh.)

So, I'd recommend reading and seeing if you feel inspired by the teachings. For me, there was something about the very idea of "Enlightenment" that stirred a desire deep within my heart. It was palpable, and it started at an early age, sometime in middle school or high school when I had to do a project on religions and happened to be assigned Buddhism. Encyclopedia-like resources don't necessarily point you in the direction of Enlightenment, but the explanation of "Nirvana" had some sort of primal appeal to me.

Once pragmatic dharma teachers like Daniel Ingram and Ron Crouch started claiming that some form of "awakening" was actually possible for Average Joe Layperson (like me), I was intrigued, and I decided to give the experiment a shot. Of course I did.

What changes? It depends on how you define "stream entry" and who you ask. There are lots of different models for Enlightenment (as discussed in Daniel's MCTB). Using the pragmatic dharma definition, stream entry is defined as the first time a practitioner completes a fully cycle of insight (typically measured against the Progress of Insight maps) and experiences a "cessation" event. What changes varies from practitioner to practitioner, but on the Fetters Model, which I think is as good as any, three important "fetters" are dropped: (a) belief in self, (b) doubt about the Path, and (c) attachment to rites and rituals.

Concretely, based on my experience, the fetters model (filtered, of course, through my still sometimes cloudy conceptual lens) made a lot of sense. Regarding "self view," the "cessation" experience has a way of kicking you out of the linear way of looking at your life, as an existent self living chronologically in time. While often this insight fades for a while, it is pretty clear at the point of initial awakening, and I speculate that a part of your mind never forgets that. This insight deepens with further practice. Your perspective on your experience shifts from being caught typically in the horizontal dimension of time to instead tuning into the vertical dimension of "just this," in which time, like all things, including the self, is seen as just a concept, a particular way of looking at this immediate, obvious, and manifest reality. Seeing "just this," and recognizing that there is no permanent self that is just this or that provides tremendous relief. Most of our lives are spent trying to protect the self, improve it, make it happy. Seeing through this delusion, even for a moment, has a way of radically transforming one's perspective on experience.

Second, after you complete a cycle of insight, you don't really doubt "just this." There's a lot of work necessary to integrate and deepen that insight. But it feels like you have directly touched reality, the Tao, Nirvana, God, or whatever. Interestingly, in my experience, that which seems to remains when all else fades is all that you ever wanted to begin with. So, the value of this Path becomes obvious. Faith is no longer necessary. A deep part of your mind understands that "this is it."

Finally, the attachment to rites and rituals goes away because you realize that it's "just this." You might have done a lot of work to realize that, but once you do, it's all pretty simple. That realization can't be taken away from you. It's done. It's always available. As a practical matter, that realization tends to fade, come and go, which teaches us an interesting thing about "awakening experiences," a lesson we will have to learn well as we continue to deepen our practice. But generally speaking, after "stream entry," one realizes that awakening is not somehow external to one's present situation, indeed the very idea of internal and external is just another concept which has no concrete, permanent status (is ultimately empty). Thus, the need for rites and rituals is seen through.

All that said, these realizations may not be perfectly obvious at the conceptual level after stream entry. As a practical matter, people generally feel lighter, relieved, happier, at least for a time. But those states are just states, which are not permanent. Enlightenment, Awakening, Liberation, Nirvana, or whatever you want to call it is something that goes beyond particular states or this or that. Once you begin to open up to that dimension of being, you experience a much more profound and lasting sense of peace with just this existence, as it is. It's a nice spot to be in. :)

Hope that helps.

u/butterscotchpanini · 7 pointsr/TagProIRL

Go to bed. You're gonna wake up tomorrow. You're gonna have a shower and realize you're troubles aren't really troubles and it's just life. You posted this online. You're looking for responses because you don't think anyone in your life cares. Which is blatantly false. If you feel the same way tomorrow, talk to someone. If for whatever reason you don't want to, PM someone.

Also, check out The Power of Now, by Eckhart Toll

u/tryintomakesenseofit · 7 pointsr/exmormon

Over the past several years I've personally gravitated toward a blend of stoicism and "secular Christianity." I know many others go the route of secular Buddhism (Noah Rasheta, who is also an exMo runs which you might want to check out) and others (most?) simply go the route of ethical hedonism.

I personally gravitated toward stoicism because it isn't a religion and has no real religious underpinning. Instead, it's normally referred to as just a "philosophy of life." It has worked well for me as a backfill to religion. You'll also find that different people have different views of what it means to "practice" stoicism, so it's nice in that you can kind of adapt it to fit your personal preferences.

Here are some recommendations if you want to look into it:

  • Start with this easy article for a nice overview. Then continue to read other articles on the How to be a Stoic blog. It's a great resource.

  • I'd recommend this book as well. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.

  • Finally, you should also read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I have an audio version from Audible that's excellent and I enjoyed listening to it much more than reading it, but there are free copies all over the place to download and read in Kindle if you just Google it.

    Aside from stoicism, studying and learning about philosophy in general has been a huge cushion for me in dealing with the existential crisis that often follows losing belief in Mormonism. Google the Philosophize This! podcast and start at episode 1 if you're interested. It's great. I also really enjoy the Philosophy Bites podcast. Other than the above, the following were also very helpful to me in finding a approach to life without "God" and without religion:

  • The Power of Now by Tolle.

  • The Happiness Trap by Harris.

  • Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.

  • Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)

  • The Alchemist by Coelho.

  • A New Earth by Tolle.

  • A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.

  • What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.

    All of the above combined with a few long years of figuring things out got me to a good place. But everyone's journey is different, so do what you think will work best for you...and good luck!

u/temporaryalpha · 7 pointsr/Divorce

Listen, unless you have tremendously significant assets, don't bother getting proof of adultery. All you'll do is torture yourself. Most courts don't care anymore; they'll more or less automatically grant a petition for a grounds divorce only to the extent of granting a no-fault divorce.

Sometimes grounds can affect distribution of assets, but typically only when waste has been shown. And in your circumstances (as they seem) waste generally means a significant expenditure of funds on behalf of another person.

It's so odd--people seem to want to learn the worst. All we do is hurt ourselves. My advice: don't do it.

You've experienced a shock. Perhaps a confirmation of suspicions. Give yourself some time; talk to people you trust. Then simply let the relationship go.

I realize it may seem like there's no future, like you've wasted years, like you've been profoundly hurt. But you can, not only survive, but recover from this. And go on to live a gloriously happy life.

You're young; you have so much time.

What saved me were a number of books. The Power of Now. And It's Easier Than You Think. A couple of meditation apps.

The Power of Now talks about living in the moment, about ignoring/learning to stop thoughts that hurt you. The same way you'd never mistake an eye twitch for yourself, you can learn not to mistake a "brain twitch"--i.e., a thought that serves no purpose other than to hurt you--as yourself.

It's Easier Than You Think offers an introduction to Buddhism--in chief, to the idea that all suffering is caused by desire, and when you learn to stop wanting, you also learn to stop causing yourself pain.

Meditation is designed to focus on the now, on the idea that right at this minute you are okay, and that all your fears about the future and whatever regrets you may feel are imaginary, in that you simply are creating them with your own thoughts. It's all about focusing on your breathing, and every single time your thoughts stray (as they do for everyone) you simply learn to bring your thoughts back to your breathing. It is far harder than it seems. And in trying to do it you learn to control your thoughts and you distract yourself from fear and pain.

I am telling you: what you're talking about is no longer your relationship, but survival. And surviving divorce requires every ounce of concentration. It is like fighting a bear, and every single day you survive is a victory.

Also, I personally have decided that no matter what I am trying to be kind and good through this whole process. You don't have children, so really you're pretty lucky. You can set yourself free from someone who didn't want to be with you and find someone who does.

Maybe try exploring who you are via a site like It offers a simplified (quick) version of the MBTI, which is one of the first personality tests. It has problems, but as an introduction to who you are--and the kind of person you might want to be around--it has worked wonders for me and many others.

Ultimately you will forgive yourself; you'll realize it's not your fault that you loved someone. It's her fault for not recognizing and valuing what you were offering. Ultimately blame no longer will matter.

There is so much more I could say, but this is not the end. It's the beginning. You're just feeling so much pain and shock you don't realize it yet.

I am rooting for you. It is so hard to love, to survive a relationship, to survive a breakup. But it is survivable, and in so doing you will learn. Divorce can be an incredibly educational experience.

If you ever want to talk, this is an alt, but I do use it regularly. And I always will offer empathy.

u/toasterchild · 7 pointsr/relationships

Some people are more sensitive and anxious in relationships than other people, it's just how it is. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it's just how you are wired. There are plenty of people out there who won't be put off by it (or bring it out in you) as long as you don't cross the line into controlling. There are, however, quys who will just be a really bad match for you. A guy who's first reaction when the anxiety comes up is to pull away will increase your anxiety, which will push him further away and it will just spiral and spiral. You can even feel that you like him more than you even do - but it's just anxiety.

This isn't doom, it just means he's probably a bad match for you emotionally. I highly recommend reading a book about attachment theory like Attached, it might help you be able to identify unhealthy matches for yourself. I found it really interesting and it's helped me pick healthier people to date.

u/Klyphord · 7 pointsr/Codependency

I highly recommend this book: “Attached”:

And, remember that if you’re clingy and your partner is happy with you anyway, don’t over-worry. That’s not to say you don’t work on yourself - we all should. But also don’t let your fears ruin a good relationship.

u/shanialabeouf · 7 pointsr/relationship_advice

I can't recommend the book Attached more! Check it out.

u/test_1234567890 · 7 pointsr/learnHentaiDrawing




The links above should set you on a good start. Do the lessons from drawabox, do the lessons from drawing on the right side of the brain. Unless you have a physical disability preventing you from picking up a pen, I promise you can learn. I will not lie to you and tell you it is easy, it is not. But learning the fundamentals will aid you greatly in getting better. There is no doubt in my mind it can be straight up tedious at times, and frustrating as all hell, but it is worth it.


The trick? Actually doing the lessons as they are told to you and not skipping around.


You can do it my dude, best of luck and happy lewding!

u/mantrap2 · 7 pointsr/IWantToLearn

I took a drawing class at a community college. Cost me $35 plus pencils and paper supplies. It gave instruction and a reason to spent the time and focus on learning. I'd recommend that as the primary strategy.

A big part of learning to draw is to learn "to see". Most people don't actually see what they look at but instead they let their brains tell them what their brain/memory presumes they are looking at, abstractly.

This is where/why you get amateurish child-like drawing that look horrible initially - your brain "knows (better)" superficially and overrides what's actually hitting your eyes. Then you draw this abstraction and it's always wrong and unrealistic looking. So you have to "unlearn" this way of seeing things to learn to draw.

There are a lot of books on this subject:

These books can be helpful and are often used in drawing classes but the first thing is to start drawing.

One other hint I've learned: the #1 and #2 parts of the face you MUST get right (and in fact you can do only these two parts and create a recognizable portrait - of a Western person for a Western audience) are the shape and details of the eyes, and of the nose/mouth. It's different if you are in Asia (asian models) - then it's the outline of the head/hair and nose/mouth.

u/FryingPansexual · 7 pointsr/learnart

It's a good start. Obviously you're unpracticed, but drawing is a very learnable skill and you've got everything required to learn it.

I'd recommend getting your hands on a copy of Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards. It'll get you past a lot of the common mental blocks that people who are new to serious drawing struggle with and you're right at the skill level where it'll be most beneficial. If you work your way through that, you'll be astonished at what you're capable of within a few weeks.

The neuroscience it talks about has largely been debunked, but the exercises and basic concepts are still spot on.

u/Sat-AM · 7 pointsr/furry

Traditional materials are the best place to start. Don't worry about anything fancier than pencil/charcoal and paper until you've got the basics down.

What you need to do first is study the Principles of Design and the Elements of Design. These are the first things students are taught before they can move on. Usually, they are taught alongside Drawing 101, where students become familiar with these elements in practice, drawing mostly contour drawings of still lives. You should also be learning about linear perspective. You should be focusing on how to break objects down into simple forms, like cylinders and cubes and cones and spheres. Learn to draw with your arm and not your wrist; you can do this more easily by drawing on large paper (18"x24" or bigger).

Once you've got those basics learned, you can move on to learning about drawing with value. Charcoal and a kneaded eraser work best here, I think. Start doing still lives of single objects, like eggs or fruit, small geometric forms like cubes and the like, and focus on how light moves around these objects. One thing our professor had us do is to wipe our drawings down with a chamois frequently. It keeps you from getting focused on your drawing, but gives you a vague guideline to continue from. It makes drawing more about process than product, which is ultimately your goal if you're learning; to understand the process of seeing and drawing.

Once you've got the concept of the process and how value works, start increasing the complexity of your still lives. See how large you can make them. Get some big boxes and chairs and stuff and set them up in the middle of your room and draw that. Then start drawing the room you're in. Now, go outside and draw the buildings outside. You might notice that they're like a larger version of the boxes you were just drawing!

If you can, take some classes at your local community college. They'll really help you along learning these basics. If that's not available, most schools base their teaching methods on Betty Edwards' Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. Pick it, and the accompanying workbook up, and you'll be well on your way.

You should also look at Andrew Loomis' books to help study most of these principles. George Bridgman is another godsend for learning to draw, as well as Burne Hogarth and Louise Gordon.

You should always be studying things from life to keep your skills sharp. Always remember that reference photos aren't cheating. You'll find that more often than not, they're a necessity.

I also heavily recommend you check out CtrlPaint's videos. They're focused on becoming a digital artist, but have a section devoted to traditional work and its importance in digital work. He also goes over the basics quite well and provides links to outside resources, as well as homework assignments for every video. Check it out, watch a video a day, and do an assignment with it, and you'll be putting yourself on the fast track.

One thing about drawing is that it's going to take a lot of patience. It takes a long time to develop your skills. Don't get discouraged! Learn to handle criticism, both good and bad. Critiques are your friend and whether you agree with them or not, they'll help you grow. Never ever rely on the excuse "It's my style!" because more often than not, if you have to use that line, it's a mistake you don't want to fix, not a stylistic decision. I've seen many people with great potential fail out of the art program I was in simply because they couldn't handle criticism.

u/sockeplast · 7 pointsr/Design

The thing with the creative design process is that it is in many ways different from what you've been learning previously. Not just new, but essentially different. Actually, it utilises another brain process than the one you're used to.

People who just learns the tools and language of design, but not the way of thinking, usually ends up with creating stuff that lacks harmony.

Programming is creative; it requires logical thinking, problem solving, efficiency. These are typical left-side logical skills in your brain. Therefore, you are probably really good at using your left logical brain right now.

However, things like shape and form, composition, proportions, and the whole gestalt are not things that the left logical brain likes to handle. These are the skills of the right creative brain half. This brain half is hardly ever used by engineers, programmers, physicists, or linguists.

A book that takes you through the process of developing your right creative brain half is this one:

u/Harkonnen · 7 pointsr/france

J'ai appris à 38 ans, alors que j'étais incapable de tracer une ligne droite.
J'ai utilisé 2 ressources principales : Reddit (/r/ArtFundamentals , /r/learntodraw) et ce livre, considéré comme le meilleur pour l'apprentissage

u/Purplekaem · 7 pointsr/askwomenadvice

So I just finished Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and cannot recommend it enough. She really helps break down women’s sexuality in a way that makes you feel enlightened afterward. Give it a read, it will help.

u/RelevantCover9 · 7 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

I (26/f) have the same issue. I've talked to a ton of doctors and tried birth controls, no birth controls, antidepressants, having sex more frequently, and exercise. Honestly, the thing that helped the most is exercising regularly. Not just walking on a treadmill but lifting weights. Something about getting the blood pumping and working up a sweat increases my sex drive more than anything else. I've heard that some people recommend supplements but I don't think there is enough research out there proving they work.


Check out the book Come As You Are. It'll help!

u/whatalamename · 7 pointsr/sex

Read this book immediately.

u/guajibaro · 7 pointsr/IAmA

Hey, I'm not a doctor but I am involved in sex education. Two things:

One: I don't know why you feel how you feel, obviously, but I can tell you you're normal. You're not broken, and in fact you're in good company. If you haven't yet, I am sure you could find support groups online, if you just want someone to commiserate with. I know that doesn't fix anything, but it's worth saying. It sucks, and I'm sorry.

Two: The question of "How does my desire work?" is specific to you and your experience. There is no global reason. So, while I can't hand you an answer (I wish I could) I can tell you that you have all the information you need to begin exploring this question for yourself. Not for your husband. Not for public scrutiny. For you. It's hard and frustrating and unfair you're going through this, but it's not magic. I promise.

As for how to even begin exploring that question, there is a really, really good book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski that I would beg you to read. It is not a quick-fix kind of book, but it's also not a gimmick. It explains a lot of (recent!) science of human sexuality in very clear terms, and gives guidelines for how to explore those in yourself. It explains how your brain understands desire and all the things that affect it. Oh, and the writing is very clear, sometimes outright silly. There's a sample of the audiobook up online as well. Dr. Nagoski has a blog called The Dirty Normal, which is less in-depth but still worth checking out.

I think this book is so useful that I don't lend it out: I buy it for people. It changed the course of my life (I know that sounds cheesy). But you've been to therapy and switched birth control and put so much time and effort and money into this, it's obviously important for you. So I hope suggesting a book is not too much of a stretch on your patience.

I wish you the best of luck <3

u/CelestialBun · 7 pointsr/adultsurvivors

This kind of behavior could certainly stem from BPD, but not necessarily. Regardless, I think it's less important to find a label for your behavior. I struggled with BPD-like behavior for a few years and what helped me was DBT therapy. I highly recommend it. If you can't find a therapist in your area that specializes in DBT, there are some good workbooks available for you to try by yourself. I liked this one the best. It's helpful without being condescending or hypercritical (like some books about BPD).

Agreed that you've already done the hardest part of recovery: You acknowledge that you need help.

You may also check out some tips on how to redirect these feelings/energy. Most tips are directed at exes, so some things won't apply, but a lot of them do: starting a "cyberstalking jar" or picking up a new habit that you distract yourself with when you start thinking about your professor (video games, knitting, exercise, etc.). Here are a couple of lists to try: one | two. You've got this OP - best wishes.

u/paperlilly · 7 pointsr/BPD

You don’t need a BPD diagnosis to benefit from DBT. It’s like any other group therapy - it’s not closed off like AA or NA or something... where you must fit x criteria. My DBT group is a mixture of BPD, EDs, Depression/Anxiety, Bipolar and Addiction.

No idea where you are but I’d suggest contacting your local psych hospital/facility - they will know what’s available or where to point you. I would guess the first port of call would either be to your family doctor for a referral or a self referral to a therapist who participates in DBT.

If you can access it under health insurance or public healthcare pursue it... if it’s there then just keep chipping away to access it. Paying for DBT is expensive...the groups, individual therapy...

Alternatively there are some amazing books that cover it. They are the same skills, the same examples as in group... they’re workbooks not just boring theory encyclopedias.

Lots of people recommend the big green DBT book Nobody knows the name, it’s just the green book. Like the Bible. I’d recommend looking online - it’s floating around out there and available in various formats, I’ve seen it linked in this sub before.

u/00l0000l · 7 pointsr/askwomenadvice

Attached and The Feeling Good Handbook. As she handed them to me, I just kind of thought to myself "really?" She chuckled and said to give it a try. I left her office and purchased those two books from a local bookstore around the corner from her office and they were honestly great.

u/Aram_Fingal · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Basically, I wouldn't worry about being unhealthily co-dependent in a relationship you're largely happy in and where there are no issues of abuse or addiction. The concept of co-dependence has been co-opted and applied to situations where it's not terribly relevant. Unlike the bloggers of the world, I'm going to admit that I'm nowhere near qualified to dole out this kind of advice, though.

I recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more on this topic. It's an easy read and helps you understand patterns you may have seen in yourself or your partners. Also, it seems well grounded in science. The authors continually cite psychological studies, which is more compelling than it sounds.

u/TheBraveChoice · 7 pointsr/SurvivingMyInfidelity

Read this book:


Most people who engage in affairs have an “avoidant” attachment type and are with someone who has a “secure” or “anxious” attachment type.

My wife is avoidant, I am anxious. She minimizes her feelings and rationalizes her choices in order to avoid having difficult conversations about her emotions.

This led her to connect emotionally with someone else when she found it easier than discussing difficult issues with me directly. This emotional connection made her more receptive to his attention than she may have been otherwise.

Understanding how she became vulnerable has helped us understand how to avoid the situation recurring in the future.

I wish you peace.

u/PigeonProwler · 7 pointsr/AskNYC

As a retired armchair psychologist, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you probably have adult PTSD-related depression, a common side effect of people who break away from an abusive/neglected childhood and reach a modicum of success as adults. Therapy such as CBT and DBT is extremely successful at teaching how to deal with not being "on alert" all the time - this is the feeling you're attributing to being bored or uninterested in people.

You have grown up relating to people mostly in fight/flight situations, and as a result your brain does not understand non-volatile situations. Your mind sees contentment as dangerous, and will sabotage you into avoiding it at all costs, on the off-chance it leads to you being hurt again. The fact that you think a bunch of strangers will hate you for just expressing yourself is proof of this.

You don't have to muster willpower - you already showed us you have discipline, but you use it for your WoW skills. Apply them to your own character instead. You already have the ability, and you have the luxury of financial security. There is no reason to refuse success. Good luck.

Seriously, I'm not a doctor. Go to a real therapist and talk shit out.

u/plz2meatyu · 7 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

To add to this, there is a self help workbook that helped me so much while in therapy. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I applaud your courage in asking for help.

This is not a cure and I 100% recommend seeing a doctor, especially to check your hormones and/or rule out a physical illness.

I hope this helps.

u/mkaito · 7 pointsr/getdisciplined

The solution to your problems is quite simple: make a list of things that you need/want to do, then just fucking do it. Yep, there, I said it. I know it sounds harsh. But after years of reading, researching, and experimenting, I've found that precisely this is what it all boils down to: just. fucking. do. it. We end up building all kinds of mental scaffolds around the concept, with tricks and rewards and what not, but it all boils down to the same in the end.

Having a system in place to help you "just fucking doing it" can help tremendously, especially in the beginning. If you're willing to put in some time to work through them, I recommend The Now Habit, and Getting Things Done. Each of these books presents a different approach to productivity. You don't have to implement either system verbatim. Learn from them, try out things that sound interesting, and over time, build your own system.

Building and sticking to your system is a habit you will have to build. If that kind of thing is hard and/or interesting for you, please read The Power of Habit.

Don't just read them once and put them away. Read them, then take notes, then go over them again, and refer back to them every time you find something is lacking in your system. Don't read them cover to cover. They're quite long, and drag their feet through some sections. Skim them, check the index, and read through what sounds interesting, then go back and fill in the gaps if necessary.

u/litui · 7 pointsr/polyamory

I'm pretty new to poly and am the lurker mentioned in one of the other comments =D.

I'd encountered people with a poly lifestyle in the past, but had never considered it to be appealing until just recently. I spent the past few months figuring out my jealousy triggers and working through my baggage. A switch flipped in my head while reading The Ethical Slut and I'm suddenly pretty open to possibilities.

I'm pretty sure I've always repressed my feelings/flirting/desires around other people than my relationship partner before out of a sense that this was expected of me as a show of faithfulness. I never allowed myself to consider additional relationships before so there's a feeling of liberation that comes with my personal epiphany.

I'm an IT professional currently working as a support analyst at a software company. I consider myself to be pretty smart, but I really enjoy being surrounded by coworkers smarter than myself. It gives me a refreshing challenge.

My main subreddits at the moment include /r/cigars, /r/guns, /r/sysadmin, and /r/polyamory.

I occasionally look silly, stylish, taller than I am, skeptical, or out of my era.

I haven't decided what I'm looking for in new partners yet really, but I'm comfortable with that for the moment.

Good to meet you all.

edit: Admittedly, I forgot the "where" too. Alberta, Canada.

u/shesurrenders · 7 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

I hate to be one of those poly people who sounds like a broken record but, spend some time with The Ethical Slut. Even if you aren't poly, this isn't a monogamous relationship anymore. There's a reason it's basically the Bible.

u/cap_cabral_ · 7 pointsr/brasil

Não. E os poli relacionamentos heterossexuais que testemunhei duraram muito pouco ou eram a descrição do relacionamento abusivo.
Esse livro Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures tem uma visão da possibilidade de poliamor que tangencia relacionamentos abertos sem a necessidade de sexo. Mas também trata de sexo.

Conheço casais gays que estão juntos há anos e que frequentemente transam com outras pessoas ou trazem outras pessoas pra casa e continuam com o casal nuclear que possuem planos a longo prazo. Que sao abertos só na questao sexual. Poliamor não é um conceito que vive só no meio das pernas.

Não sei porque dessa distinção, é apenas uma observação.

Galera que venera o Osho costumam se encontrar e resignificar sexo, mas eu recomendaria distância dos cultos e netflix.

Você está em um relacionamento e quer modificar o contrato para algo mais aberto?

u/existie · 7 pointsr/TwoXSex

Seconding the open/poly lifestyle; if you can adjust, it's fucking fantastic for those of us with higher sex drives. Check out The Ethical Slut for that perspective. Sexual incompatibility doesn't need to spell the end of a relationship, or settling for less sex than you need. Perhaps you just need to supplement (openly and honestly).

u/ephrion · 7 pointsr/sex

Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.

Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!

With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.

u/Malechus · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.

Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.

Also, be prepared for some disapproval in poly communities. Hetero couples, or couples with a hetero male and bisexual female, looking for bisexual women to join them are really, really, common. And they unfortunately very often engage in unethical, or at least ethically dubious, behavior. More Than Two devotes a whole chapter to this, and I highly recommend reading it. Try to avoid those behaviors.

Best of luck!

u/CuntJuggler · 7 pointsr/minimalism

This is really good advice-- helps a LOT to spend the time in advance to find furniture that fits exactly.

If you have the time, read this:

Will really to reduce the trauma of throwing stuff out

u/nosejapones · 6 pointsr/gamedev

/u/AppStoreVeteran gave you a great reply, but I just wanted to add in another perspective:

If you're interested in a more traditional approach to learning art, you can get to the point where you're making decent (not mind-blowing, but functional) illustrations with just a few months of serious effort. If you treat it like a semester-long course and put in the work, you can reach art student levels in a little under half a year.

  1. Pick up either this or this book (I recommend the first one if you lack confidence/motivation, but the second one is great too; in fact, pick up both if you can).
  2. Set aside 30-60 minutes every day to practice (using the book[s] as a guide).
  3. Practice faithfully and with legitimate effort.

    Art is learning just like programming, playing an instrument, or public speaking, so, if you're even vaguely interested in it, I highly recommend you give it a serious try.
u/JohnCthulhu · 6 pointsr/comics

I can't really add anything to this conversation seeing as Maxwell Lord left such an excellent and thorough critique. However, one thing I will add is that you should definitely go out and pick up these two books:

  • Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain -- this is one of the most important books I have ever read, as it teaches you how to view the world around you with an artist's eye. That may sound pretentious, but it had a hugely positive effect on me and my approach to art when I picked it up some years back.

  • Understanding Comics -- Every comic artist, no matter how new or seasoned they are, absolutely needs to have this book in their collection. If you are even thinking of becoming a comic artist, read this book.

    I would also recommend that you get the superb art instructional books by Andrew Loomis. Unfortunately, a lot of these are long out of print but - thankfully - you can download some free, digital versions here.
u/IronWoobie · 6 pointsr/Stoicism

Have you done the exercises in drawing on the right side of the brain? Stuff like blind contour drawing helps with those skill significantly, and seeing the atrocious craziness you get from it will help disconnect your "inner critique".

Another trick is to draw like you were a kid. I doubt that you were forcing it so much when you were a child, just do it the same way again.

Finally, have explicit process goals of doing 100 drawings or drawings in a few seconds. That'll help your mind focus on what you can control.

u/antagonisticjam · 6 pointsr/relationships

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.

Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.

Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.

I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

u/GutterMaiden · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I began identifying as being poly when I realized that, when I try it, monogamy simply does not work for me, and ... strangely, the relationships that do work for me, are with other people who are interested in a poly or poly like relationship dynamic. This doesn't mean when I meet people I think are cute I ask them about being poly and that effects whether or not I want to date them, it just happens to be that I meet people who are I think are cute and we start dating and then they talk to me about being poly. I guess I just have good polydar?

To me, being poly is really fucking hard, but being monogamous is even harder.

When I was in highschool, I had a huge crush on a girl, who had a crush on me. Then I met a boy, who I developed a huge crush on, who also had a crush on me, and also had a crush on the girl I had a crush on. The solution seemed so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how no one else could see it. Nothing came of this because I was a big wuss in high school.

This girl sounds like kind of a jerk, but I think you know that, You should read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.

Some types of polyamory don't work for some people. For example, I loath being a part of a hierarchy, no matter where I am on the totem pole - but it makes sense when one couple has children together or life goals. I would never get involved in that at this point in my life. In my past relationship, I felt secure knowing my partner loved me in a completely different way than her other partner, I valued the type of love she had for me more than the type of love she had for her other partner, but I didn't need or want her to rate it.

u/dunimal · 6 pointsr/relationships

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.
Great little book.
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

u/jaycatt7 · 6 pointsr/askgaybros

May I suggest some reading? Most of the "advice" you'll get here will try to talk you out of it.

u/barrybolliboopy · 6 pointsr/collapse
u/feeboo · 6 pointsr/sex

For anyone interested in this topic I highly recommend reading the book The Ethical Slut. The title may scare you away but the content is necessary to be able to pull off such a lifestyle. Any sort of polyamorous life requires a high level of understanding and openness. This book helps one realize that wanting polyamory is far easier than living with polyamory.

u/S_K_I · 6 pointsr/Meditation

Don't worry I got a million answers.

First 3 months were spent with frustration for lack of results, and not doing it properly. The following 3 months were spent finding my groove, staying consistent, and staying consistent. I'm quoting myself from /r/ADHD months back, at the challenges I faced during my learning process but here is what I said basically:

Have you ever heard of Om Mani Padme Hum?

It can't be translated into a simple phrase or sentence because it varies in English. But the general phrase is:

>"Behold! The jewel in the lotus!"

When meditating, I repeat this mantra over and over again, but overtime I progressively slow down between each word till my brain completely goes quiet. It's a great technique to use if you have a lot of racing thoughts, distractions, especially in your case the eye movement. I'm just fascinated with the entire history of meditation and its origins which has led me to understanding and appreciating this mantra. I know it sounds like hippy bullshit and even I was skeptical of course, but you don't have to believe in the Buddhist philosophy behind the mantra to gain its benefits. In fact, it doesn't matter what the words in the mantra even are. You can recite the recipe for sushi if you want. It's the repetition:

rice fish wasabi rice fish wasabi.

All you're doing is repeating the same tone repeatedly and over time your brain gets tired to the point where you notice your thoughts begin to slow down. You follow up with this by pausing momentarily between the words, a few seconds and maybe up to a minute between the words. The ultimate goal of course is utter and complete silence in your brain, which may take years to accomplish And yes, this process is slow. I've been meditating for a little over a year and it's been a long and arduous process because naturally I'm not consistent with meditation and sticking with it, but I have definitely noticed insight and introspection within myself. I notice I'm patient with individuals and I'm significantly calmer. And dare I say, I'm even happy sometimes. All I'm doing is literally sitting fucking still for 10 minutes a day thinking about jack shit.

I can only speak from my experience, so take this anecdotally. But meditation is perhaps the best thing for my adhd brain. It calms my thoughts, gives me clarity, and most importantly it tackles of the other co-morbid issues that plague my life. But you have to remember, your brain is just like any other muscle, you don't go to the gym one week and expect to get muscular; it takes discipline, consistency, and time to accomplish. But don't take my word for it, studies are already showing how meditation:

  • increases brain matter,

  • treats anxiety and depression,

  • And because I love creativity there's a great TED talk discussing how meditating actually improves that as well.

  • Look up Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now. It's even on audio book whch is what I used, and trust me the audio version is way better for ADHD'ers who hate reading. I might have to listen up on it again to refresh my memory, but I highly recommend that if you want to truly learn more.

    I highly encourage for you to learn as much as you can before you get started. I was extremely dismissive and cynical at meditation in the beginning, but it wasn't until after I exhausted every option I had left from therapy and medication, before I decided that I'd give it a shot. Cuz hey, what else did I have to lose.

u/elphabaloves · 6 pointsr/Meditation

1.) Learn to understand your mind and the problems it creates in your life - that will give you the motivation to meditate every day and not view it as an item on your "todo" list.

2.) Instead of looking for audio, or guided meditations, learn to do it on your own without the need for outside aids.

Resources: for understanding your mind, Tolle's "The Power of Now" is excellent. For learning to do it on your own, check out this short free guide (they also have a good 21-day course, but it costs a few dollars).

u/ylsf · 6 pointsr/toronto

Not to sound like an advertisement, but, I just started reading this book called Attached... Might help you deal with some of your relationship issues as well.. Find it very interesting, got it from the library -

u/GrinsNGiggles · 6 pointsr/BDSMAdvice

You two don't sound very compatible. It sounds like her attachment style is anxious, while yours is avoidant - a sure recipe for angst on both sides.

u/NunavutMakesSense · 6 pointsr/sexover30
u/TravelYoda · 6 pointsr/askwomenadvice

There’s a book specifically about the barriers of orgasm by a sex health scholar Emily Nagoski titled Come As You Are. If you’re unable to purchase it, your local library may have it as an ebook to rent.

Book link via Amazon

u/AutobiographicalThor · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

If success is having a normal relationship with someone with BPD then, from personal experience, I don’t think that’s possible.

However we can but try.

There is so much advice and there are so many tips and nuggets of information in this subreddit but if you want a structured tone to dip into I really found this one useful:

“Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” is a good book.

The best tips for making the most of a life sentence with a BPD are 1) leave and 2) try to leave and 3) if it’s not convenient right now then plan to leave

Sorry this isn’t glowingly positive but I’ve been abused for too long to have anything but a dim view of people with PDs. It’s not their fault but it’s most definitely not mine either.

u/childhoodsurvivor · 6 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I am no psychologist but this really sounds like BPD. DH should read I hate you - Don't leave me to better understand his mother. I would also recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells. I hope he really does realize just how much better his life will be without his mother in it (I'm sure you'll point it out from time to time). Here's hoping the NC is extended indefinitely! :)

u/BlueFollower · 6 pointsr/OkCupid

You should read the book Attached. I don't recommend the Kindle edition, it has parts it expects you to write in the book.

u/garbageuser948 · 6 pointsr/blogsnark

There is a book I really like, called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment Theory. You might like it, your comments about your reaction to potential partners reminded me a lot of some of the stuff it talks about.

u/Corbags · 6 pointsr/gamedev

Pencil to digital is just a matter of practice. If you have a few extra dollars, I'd also grab Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. That'll teach you how to draw. To learn what to draw, i.e. be more creative, get The Keys to Drawing with Imagination. Transferring to digital is just a matter of learning how to use photoshop and a scanner or a drawing tablet.

I apologise, those are Canadian links, but the books are also available in the US.

u/m15t3r · 6 pointsr/ipad

Well this isn't an overnight method but in all seriousness, this book is amazing. You work through the lessons and you will learn to see things differently, allowing you to capture, in a drawing, an accurate representation of what you see. I loved it.

u/nodinc · 6 pointsr/AskReddit

This was recommended to me, and I'm just starting it myself. So far, really does make you believe that this is something a non-artist like myself could accomplish.

u/DaedricChariots · 6 pointsr/gamedev

Alternative approach would be learning to draw. Contrary to common belief, it is actually a learnable skill. You won't be making Mona Lisa in a few months, because as with everything it takes practice, but you can shrink your restrictions and get a better understanding of what you can and cannot do.

I would recommend books and youtube video series for learning, few examples: (used to be all free, now might require free account or a paid sub I don't know)

If you follow the first book along, I can speak from personal experience that not only you will get a better understanding, but you will also actually learn to draw (this is coming from a guy that barely could draw stick people). You just need to stick to it and follow it to the letter.

u/Sunergy · 6 pointsr/learnart

This seems like the perfect place to get started, and having the kind of confidence that it takes to be able to ask for help when you need it is exactly the kind of thing you need to be successful with drawing. I've been on my own drawing journey for about six months now, from a starting place quite similar to where you were, and although I still have a long way to go I'll do my best to share what I've been able to find out along the way.

Drawing is much like learning any other skill, like math or a sport, and as such the best favour you can do yourself is to know how you learn things best and to focus on that. Always try to go for several different methods, since variety will help your learning process from getting monotonous, and remember that any type of instruction will be better than no instruction, even if it's not your first choice.

Also, drawing on a tablet is hard. The disconnect between pen and screen as well as the small surface and lack of completely accurate touch feedback can make it a difficult way to begin making art. It's fun and you should certainly keep it up, but I found it was much easier to learn the basics with a good old pencil and a cheap sketchbook, and then apply what I learn to my tablet paintings afterwards. Sketchbooks also have the great benefit of being portable, and going around and drawing things that you can actually see in front of you is essential to learning to draw well.

Books did wonders to help me. Check you local library to see if you can find some on the cheap. Try to avoid books that only deal with drawing on specific thing, like "How to draw cars" and such, since these are often far to specific and narrow in scope, when what you really need is a solid drawing foundation. Probably the highest recommended one for beginners is Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards. It covers all the basics and is geared to the complete beginner, and unlike a lot of art books that focus primarily on techniques it also talks a lot about the thought process behind drawings. Judging by your work, I think it would be the most help to you of anything, as your major problem seems to be that you are relying on "symbols" that represent what you are wanting to draw rather than direct observation, which is extremely common and was my major problem too. You can also find videos of her teaching the lessons from her book on Youtube, but I'd still recommend the book, as it allows you a better view of the examples, lets you double check the instructions and makes it so you can work at your own pace.

Taking a class can be invaluable, since you have someone with experience right there to put you on the right track. Many colleges and community centers offer art programs in evenings or weekends (and during summer break, since you seem to be a student) where you could get started. Asking at a local art supply store might help to put you on the right track there. My work schedule prevents me from taking classes on any regular basis, but I'm always on the lookout for short intensive and drop-in meetups that do fit in.

For web based ressources that deal specifically with digital painting, nothing beats Ctrl+Paint. You don't need to bother with the videos that require you to pay for now, there is a great deal of free tutorials that will help you get started.

After you learn the basics, it all comes down to practice and choosing what you want to focus on at any given time. More advanced books and classes can focus on different mediums or subjects, and the fun part is often exploring and experimenting on your own. The trick is to think big, avoid restraining yourself, laugh off every mistake and try again and practice, practice, practice.

u/dysp_ · 6 pointsr/learnart

Everyone starts off not knowing how to draw (with some very rare exceptions). It is definitely something that can be learned. For example, Van Gogh started learning art when he was about 27.

You should check out Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards. It's more than just step-by-steps and tutorials. It goes into detail about how to learn to draw and how your brain perceives and processes imagery. Once you do get started, keep at it! ...and marvel at the new super power you've acquired! :D

u/LoopyAndLoon · 6 pointsr/sex

You might find reading Come As You Are helpful.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

u/x0klly0x · 6 pointsr/TwoXSex

I want to recommend a book to you. It's called "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. (which you can buy on Amazon for like $12).

I read this book last year and it's been hugely beneficial to me in discovering/exploring my sexuality. The author is incredibly knowledgeable and has the science to back it up.

Specifically, there's a part in this book that I thought of when I read your post. The author talks in depth about how women and men have different means of arousal. For a man, the idea of sex is enough to turn him on. Women, however, require a little more. Simply thinking about having sex isn't enough to get them totally prepared/in the mood. Instead, women have more of a "responsive desire" where there needs to be some foreplay for them to respond to, then the desire is there.

I'm probably doing a terrible job summarizing the key points she hits but I seriously can't recommend this book enough to you. Here's an interview she did with NPR. If you find it interesting then I think her book would be enormously helpful.

u/ptrst · 6 pointsr/LowLibidoCommunity

Read Come As You Are as a a starting point.

u/throwaway-person · 6 pointsr/selfhelp

Look for a dialectical behavioral therapist or group, especially one who is qualified to help you learn distress tolerance techniques. There are also self help workbooks for this type of therapy on Amazon. This one is basically the same content my past DBT group worked on.

u/pizzadreamer · 6 pointsr/TalkTherapy

I could TOTALLY see myself being jealous of my friend's treatment if I were in your shoes. Relationships with your therapist is usually really personal and meaningful, and I feel like I would definitely feel similar.

As for DBT, I enjoy it a lot. I don't do a super structured version of it, but we talk about a lot of DBT skills and I study the workbook on my own. I have a few other workbooks that I study as well, I think they have a lot of benefit and I just enjoy them so sometimes I'll flip through a workbook as like a soothing exercise. When I started, though, we did a much looser and talk based approach. I don't know if that's what she thought I wanted, or if she thought my reasons for therapy were better suited for that method, and we stuck with that for a month or two. I tend to have pretty strong ideas about how I want to do things, and therapy was no different so I started finding books and bringing them up in my sessions and generally we sort of work from whatever I bring in, but my therapist will sometimes guide me and say, "hey it seems like you're onto something with this, why don't you do some more exploring with it and we'll see where it takes us next week." Most of the time I follow her guidance, but sometimes it doesn't interest me at the time so I don't until it sparks something.

I have the Marsha Lineman version, but this book is the one my therapist recommended when I expressed interest in DBT.

It sounds like it would be beneficial to bring up using DBT in your sessions. It's your therapy, so it can be whatever you want it to be! I understand feeling frustrated that your friend is doing a more technical strategy. That would be something I would also talk about in your sessions. Your therapist might have a reason they were doing it that way.

u/johninfante · 6 pointsr/productivity

If you want to hire someone, you probably want a life coach. If you're looking for someone who will help you on many of these angles, that would be a life coach. Someone with a more detached, professional view of your life who can provide motivation, a sounding board, accountability, etc.

Now, seeing as you are broke AF, I'm not sure if a life coach is affordable. So if you want to DIY this, I have a couple of suggestions.

  • I think the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up might be a good recommendation to catch up on housework and get your physical spaces organized.
  • For your broke AF-ness, try You Need A Budget (YNAB). Students get one year free.
  • For all your other professional and personal goals, I would recommend a combination of Getting Things Done and Getting Results the Agile Way.

    The value for you in Getting Things Done (GTD) is the initial collection, processing and organization phase, along with the workflow habits it can build. That initial process of gathering up all this stuff that has accumulated in your life over the past year you've been unable to work and deciding what you're going to do with it should be helpful in getting you moving forward again.

    But where GTD kind of falls down in my opinion is in deciding what you are going to do and providing structure in how your organize your tasks. And I think both of those are provided much better in Agile Results. That system has a much more intentional process of laying out a vision for your year, month, week, and day that makes working through all your goals and the accumulated backlog easier.
u/LBluth21 · 6 pointsr/BabyBumps

As a lifelong mild hoarder myself, this book was kind of life changing. It really helped change my outlook on "stuff" and using her method of decluttering worked way better than all the other tips I'd tried. The basic principle is that you keep only stuff that you actually take pleasure in owning and get rid of the rest. You tackle things in categories instead of room by room. So for an example we gathered up every single piece of rain gear we owned. Instead of hanging onto every random umbrella we would stumble across, when we saw everything together we got rid of the 4 crappy umbrellas we never wanted to use and kept the 1 large and 1 compact umbrella that work very well. She also has a lot of tips on dealing with the psychology of letting go of your stuff (saying goodbye to it, recognizing that you're letting go of the object, not the person/memory associated with it). It's really quite amazing.

But be warned, it is quite an undertaking once you get going. You need to dedicate real time to accomplishing her categories. And go in the order in the book! So start with clothes and easy stuff and keep the video games and anime for the last category (which is stuff that involves more emotions) for when you're more on a roll.

u/di0spyr0s · 6 pointsr/getdisciplined

If you struggle with stuff I highly recommend Marie kondo's book, the life changing magic of tidying up

Otherwise! Keep it up! Your space will feel sooo much better afterwards!

u/kittypiddle · 6 pointsr/BPD

I bought this one:

I’m still in chapter one. It’s a lot of work and I’m not the most motivated individual. Maybe we can be study buddies?

u/mooloox · 6 pointsr/BPD

Hey there! I really recommend this book: DBT Skills. I'm fortunate to have access to a great therapist, but these are the skills she is teaching me that have been helpful. I also just bought this book and will be working through it myself. If you do end up buying it, please let me know - I'd love to chat about it!

u/mcac · 6 pointsr/AskTrollX

[this book] ( doesn't solely deal with self esteem, but that is part of it. I'm still making my way through it myself and I love it, I think most people could really benefit from the skills in this book. I'm getting so much better at being in control of my emotions and how I interact with people.

u/what-aver · 6 pointsr/BPDSOFFA

Take it extremely very very very slowly.

This book comes pretty highly recommended for BPD people to do "self-study" - Why can't she afford therapy? Is her mental health a priority for her or not?

For you, I recommend the books "Stop Walking On Eggshells", "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" and "Codependent No More". They will all have good tips, communication strategies, and self-care techniques that will help you over the course of your relationship.

u/GetOffMyLawn_ · 6 pointsr/medical

They look okay. Keep them clean. If they get red and swollen then a little topical neosporin or bacitracin can be used.

Please find a different way to deal with this need. Like put rubber bands around your wrist and snap them. Check out this book They have a whole list of alternatives to cutting that are less damaging

u/urethraFranklin1 · 6 pointsr/suggestmeabook

Here are a few workbooks that can help:

cbt for depression

dbt skills

act workbook

These are all solid workbooks to help build your coping skills even when you do not feel like it. Treating Depression can be like cleaning the dishes. Even if you do not feel like doing it, it gets better once you do one at the time. Otherwise it just piles and piles.

u/lexicaleigh · 6 pointsr/BPD

/u/littlecrystalgirl posted a wonderful link here about some good reading material for support. Can recommend the 5th one down, the Dialectical Therapy Skills Workbook.

This diagnosis is not the end of the world, despite feeling like it's a huge deal right now. That's ok, we've all been through the swings and roundabouts of a new diagnosis; it's scary while also making more sense of our lives. You'll be ok.

Many people, after therapy and finding the right medication, are assessed again only to find that their coping strategies mean that they appear free of the condition entirely. There are positives here, and there is most definitely hope. :)

u/InternetCaesar · 6 pointsr/personalfinance

Live radically below your income level no matter what it is and invest as high a percentage as possible.

Change every habit in your life to save and invest, and not spend.

Change every habit in your life to recognize 99% of what you do is based on habit and consumption, that people have existed for 10's of thousands of years and lived on very little. Water, a bit of food and shelter. Reduce your existence to that and invest the rest.

Read "Millionaire Next Door".

Read "Habit"

It will cost you about $20. Follow them like the bible, like your compass. And in 30 days when you haven't done any of this, re-read this answer.

That's all there is to it. Follow that and you will become wealthy. There is nothing more to this, 99.9999% of humans cannot do it. And the wealthy benefit from that every day.

You're welcome.

u/consensual-sax · 6 pointsr/dating_advice
u/MostInterestingBot · 6 pointsr/BettermentBookClub

I also didn't like Mark Manson's TSAONGAF, but his previous book, Models: How to attract women through honesty, was a life changer. I mean, I'm still trying to implement the principles into my life but it already started to change my life for the better. It's not just for the single guys btw, any man who wants to be attractive should read this book.

u/avelsdjur · 6 pointsr/NoFap

Don't disappoint your gf by going celibat if you don't need to. You can always go back to hardmode when you gf is not around. I mean, quitting porn and not fapping should be just as easy when having a gf(sex included) and without having a gf. Eighter way, if you decide on hardmode there are always other ways to succeed without using your penis.

u/throwaway12throwaway · 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Yes, this is referring to a book. I've read it. It goes through a lot of detail of female anatomy and female sexual response. Then it gets into some specific techniques for oral sex on women.

The book also recommends that the man provide the woman with an orgasm (or more) before having one himself. It sounds like you strongly agree with this approach, as do I.

However this is a subreddit that is all about sexual dysfunction or loss of desire. When you're not having any sex at all, someone stating that they have (at least) 3 orgasms per encounter is going to be a painful reminder of what you're missing.

In my case I used to be able to make my wife cum consistently from PIV, and she would have at least one orgasm before I did. Sometimes I could get her going into a sequence of multiples. But for reasons unexplained she decided that she doesn't enjoy sex and really never did. So now I have sex with someone else, and she gets to have one (or more) orgasms before I do.

u/donedilly · 6 pointsr/funny

I have found this very helpful.

u/anarttoeverything · 6 pointsr/introvert

There's such a stigma around introverts, and it's really unfortunate, because *there is nothing wrong with you*. If you're happy, you do you. If your partner makes you feel really guilty about it, sit down and have a real conversation with him/her about how you feel and how introverts like yourself "work" and feel happiest.


Would highly suggest reading this book: I think it might help you feel a little more empowered and confident in being an introvert.

u/mikec4986 · 6 pointsr/confession

This book is a good read. I highly recommend it.

u/vespaholic · 6 pointsr/introvert

Welcome to the club, also this book is awesome :
Quiet by Susan Cain

u/OLDDIRTHILL · 6 pointsr/ProtectAndServe

On killing. By Lt. Col. Dave Grossman.

u/Terra_Nullius · 6 pointsr/AskReddit

I think the censorship news is a bit of a media beatup TBH. That said, I think the whole censorship system in Australia needs an overhaul. My attitudes to censorship have changed significantly vis-a-vis first person shooters since I finished reading Dave Grossman's On Killing.

Edited because I am retarded. Then I had to edit again because I can't spell edited without checking.

u/EyeDoubtIt · 6 pointsr/ProtectAndServe

He has a few books. In particular:

u/Jamnit · 6 pointsr/todayilearned

Propagating the myth that killing is easy even for trained and well-regimented soldiers.

u/Reddit_Moviemaker · 6 pointsr/todayilearned

You need to read

"The good news is that most soldiers are loath to kill. But armies have developed sophisticated ways of overcoming this instinctive aversion. And contemporary civilian society, particularly the media, replicates the army's conditioning techniques, and, according to Lt. Col. Dave Grossman's thesis, is responsible for our rising rate of murder among the young."
This book gives you some perspective about the science behind making people to kill and that way "part of the group" - and why it is thought to be necessary. I would not be surprised if same kind of "science" would be part of intelligence "training". Which is quite scary thought.

u/g2petter · 6 pointsr/offbeat

There's a lot of material about that kind of behaviour in On Killing

u/the_Stick · 6 pointsr/Professors

Several years ago at our introductory fall faculty meeting (where we also introduce brand new faculty to everyone), our head of counseling services addressed the faculty body with the following remarks:

"I cant tell you the medications these students are on but it's scary."

"The next Virginia Tech shooter is on our campus right now."

Were I prone to believe his hysteria, I would carry on campus whether legal or not. However, he struck me as not terribly competent (and maybe sampling some of the students' meds himself) and my interactions with students, even the obviously not all healthy ones, does not make me overly concerned for my safety. It helps that I have nearly 20 years of a particular type of training that emphasizes awareness and peaceful resolution.

But that lads to me address a common refrain I see whenever this topic arises, that only faculty with military/police training should CC on campus. The presumption is that they are properly trained, but that training is disparate. Active duty police only hit what they fire at ~30% of the time (compared to 10% for gang members, I believe but I cannot find that study readily). Military infantry tend to be much higher (~70% iirc), but we tend to stereotype everyone in the army as infantry. One friend of mine spent 20 years in aviation repair work and even though he was deployed never came anywhere close to firing a weapon. He had the basic training and then that was it. However, I also grew up in a rural area where shooting was as common as grilling out or hiking. I knew several people who are experts in firearms who are not "government trained." Many of them I don't think are psychologically ready to handle having to potentially take a life, but several are. u/Geometer99 mentioned the PTSD that would come with having to shoot someone (much less a student you know) and that is very real. One of my combat veteran friends recommended a text written by a military officer and Psychology Ph.D. about that topic and how hard it is for >90% of people to actually shoot at another person. The book is called On Killing and was a very interesting read if a bit redundant between some chapters. It was very fascinating to learn about conditioning (and de-conditioning) techniques used by militaries and other groups.

When it comes to my colleagues, most of my colleagues could not fathom operating a firearm and many are afraid of weapons; there are a tiny handful I would trust. One has several years of military training from his home country. Another has the demeanor. Another trains in the same program I do. But we all have something else in common; I don't think we would carry on campus unless condition were so horrible as to make the likelihood of needing immediate lethal protection readily available. Fortunately, college campuses are very safe and violent incidents are very rare and the climate is not conducive to needing a firearm. My campus borders a really bad area of town and has had a few incidents (and I know several students have weapons on campus). It did only take them two years to park a police cruiser in the parking lot on the edge of campus where the drug deals commonly happened and armed robberies happened fairly often too. But even with that mixing of college and town elements, it has been fairly secure (just don't leave valuables in your car in the far lot). I and my colleagues don't need firearms. But niggling in the back of my contrarian mind is that absence of need should not equate to ban...

u/FourzeKITA · 6 pointsr/confidence

I would recommend giving this a read:

However, most of the positivity and optimism that I've gained over the last few months was due to recovering from heartbreak. Did a lot of soul searching and introspective work to figure things out for myself (as well as seeking out therapy). So, everything I've learned has been a mixed bag. What I can say to you is that you yourself, as a person, no matter how you view yourself, how you think people may see you, are enough. More than enough. Whatever little thing you do in your day to day has impact on the world around you. You may not know it, believe it, or even be aware of it but, it has worth. Remember, every footstep always makes an impression in the ground.

u/1slander · 6 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Give this book a try. If you want the epub/audiobook let me know. It did wonders for my ability to get up and do things that I want and need to do.

u/Hawkknight88 · 6 pointsr/LifeProTips

My buddy highly recommended that book to me, but I haven't given it a read yet. It's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life".

u/agent_of_entropy · 6 pointsr/nursing
u/Splicestream · 6 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

The power of your last paragraph is real. For those who need help with that, may I recommend a book?

u/tactonicnmayhem · 6 pointsr/assertivenesstraining

This book by Mark Manson helped me a great deal: The Subtle Art of How not to Give a Fu*k

u/AssGapeLover · 6 pointsr/sex

So what you want is just some hunk of meat to put your penis in, to find ways to last longer, with no emotional investment of care of what their feelings might be? If you were a girl, does that sound intriguing?

Can't you just masturbate before you have sexy time? This way the sperm chamber is emptied, so to speak.

Your way of thinking that if you don't come and you lasting longer will automatically make the sex 'better' is false. Making sex better is complex, is different for different partners, and means making it more pleasurable for her and for you. Not just lasting longer. Working together, not just getting working on your ability to last longer. Also, sex doesn't have to end when you ejaculate. Try not thinking so selfishly, and leave your 5-7 minute eqo crutch aside. Make her come first, then yourself.

Here is something that could actually benefit you:

u/evolutionape · 6 pointsr/sex

Not sure this will help...but check out the Great Wall of Vagina art project.

It highlights the many differences that exist between women's vaginas. More importantly, they're just plaster maybe they'll be easier for you to look at and provide yourself with a little "exposure" to overcome the discomfort you feel.

I kind of understand how you feel...although I don't think I've ever felt those things to the degree that you describe. But female genitalia can seem very foreign when you're young.

You see your penis all the time, but it's not often you see a vagina. And when you do, you're in the throes of sex, so you may not really get to explore it in a curious way...if that makes sense.

Also, it might be helpful to read some anatomy books or guides that will help you get to know the vagina a little better.

Maybe something like Women's Anatomy of Arousal or She Comes First

Both are often mentioned in sex ed. circles...and I'm sure there are plenty more.

u/phoenixjet · 6 pointsr/aww

You got it!

If you're interested in consistently making more, a good place to start is Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. It's crazy what most people will do given the right triggers. We've worn out several copies of that book already.

u/sprocktologist · 6 pointsr/IWantToLearn

I highly recommend Yes!: 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive, which is basically a simplified and actionable version of his more popular book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.

Note: I have not read the latter book.

PsyBlog is also great (not related to Cialdini).
And of course, How to Win Friends and Influence People is a classic and is still relevant.

u/dfrankow · 6 pointsr/IAmA

Read Influence ( People anchor to prices, so low-balling and high-balling are valid strategies to try to move the price.

u/VZPurp · 6 pointsr/TheRedPill