Best codepedency books according to redditors

We found 2,159 Reddit comments discussing the best codepedency books. We ranked the 142 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.

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Top Reddit comments about Codependency:

u/Kirjath · 852 pointsr/todayilearned

And this feeling is even greater in people identifying as having 'Codependent' personalities:

From this page: and the cached version


  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  • My unselfishness is often misconstrued or misperceived with negative results.
  • I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I compromise my own values and integrity too much, to avoid rejection or anger.
  • I put aside my own interests too much in order to do what others want.
  • I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  • I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
  • I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  • I can defiantly take care of myself without any help from others, but
  • I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  • I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve, but at the same time:
  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  • I think 'The more I suffer, the more it shows I really care'

    Some things to consider:

  • For those of you who are thinking that these excerpts apply to you, click on the link and check the full list. If some most of them apply to you, do some research on your own, whether that's a coda meeting, buying a book, or just reading some more literature. I know you'll feel a lot better soon.

  • I have felt more caring and compassion at CoDA meetings than I ever have with most people. We're nice, we promise!

  • Most people deal with their codependency with a particular drug of choice, whether it's liquor, wine, beer, porn, coke, pot, food, or exercise. Honesty time: Mine is food.

  • So, either type of Jameson (Jenna or liquor) listed elsewhere in this comment section may help cover up those feelings, but only for a bit.

  • As for God: All that's required is just a 'higher power'. I'm an atheist; I still go. I replace it with 'Nature' or 'The Universe'. Anyone who admonishes you for not believing in their God is acting inappropriately, really. Really.

  • A great book, it really helped me: Codependent No More

  • This does not demonize consideration or empathy. People who are codependent can't help feeling this way, to a fault. We 'help until it hurts', and we can't stop. A balance is crucial, and the program is helping me find the right balance.

  • If you don't feel this way, please don't criticize those who do. Everyone is different and everyone has things they already have a good balance with.

  • A $20 book or an hour long meeting is a small commitment to potentially discover something incredible about yourself, even if you decide afterwards that it doesn't apply.
u/LaTuFu · 473 pointsr/AskMen

Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):

  • Wild at Heart by John Etheredge. For Men. The companion book for Women is Captivating. These are Christian books, discussing God's design for men and women. Even if you are not a Christian and have no desire to be, I think you may find some of the discussion very revealing or at the very least intriguing. These are not so much good "learn to communicate" books, as they are "understanding who I really am on a basic level" books.

  • Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Another Christian Book, this one on the biblical view of marriage. Again, if you're not a Christian, I still recommend it as a resource for marriage. There are some fundamental principles of marriage that transcend religion that can benefit both spouses. For men and women.

  • Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. This book is required reading if you or your partner grew up in a household with an addict (parent or sibling), an abusive parent, or single parent/divorced home with high conflict. It is not faith based, for men and women.

  • The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is a great book that breaks down how we're all different, and we get our needs in a relationship satisfied in different ways. Understanding what your partner needs is fundamental to having a healthy relationship.

  • The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. This is another great resource for understanding effective communication within an intimate relationship, whether you are male or female.

    After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.

u/massivewang · 225 pointsr/bestof

A lot of the issues are psychological in nature. I wasn’t a “neck beard” but I was a “nice guy”. There are several issues with “nice guy” thinking/behavior:

  1. The incessant people pleasing or the inability to say no due to a fear and or lack of ability in handling conflict
  2. Lack of boundaries
  3. Covert contracts - the “if I’m nice to you, you’ll be nice to me” or “if I help you, then you’ll help me” thinking that goes on behind the scenes that is never fully verbalized
  4. Lack of understanding that one has needs, it’s ok to pursue said needs, and you are the only person who can fulfill those needs.
  5. Indirect pursuit of needs - If you need help, ask for help. You don’t help someone thinking they’ll help you in return when it was never promised. Etc.

    This book changed my life:

u/ManForReal · 79 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

>He told me that he was tired of being walked all over by his family, friends, coworkers, etc and he wanted to get better at drawing a line in the sand.

Given his saying this, here's two resources he might find useful:


When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.


>Since I’m pretty sure I know where the initial stomping out of any healthy notions of boundaries came from, I think it could be a big step for SO to take with her but I want SO to be the one who makes the decision for what he wants to do.


/u/madpiratebippy recommends these three books (comments are hers):


Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.

This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.


Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Buck

is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.


Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon.

Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

I hope you & he find some or all of these helpful.

Milentless is likely to act out (shriek, scream, blame, gaslight, attempt to guilt and on & on) at the impostion of boundaries. Damaged personalities (like her) are largely incapable of acting like adults. She may be able to respond appropriately to reward & punishment (as a normal three-year-old might). Or not.

Since what she wants is more, More, MORE interaction & time, telling her very matter-of-factly that she's driven herself into timeout with her demands is worth trying (just expect her to throw herself on the floor & kick & scream, either metaphorically or actually).

SO needs to do this (his mother, not yours & she'll use any opportunity to blame you). He should be prepared for acting out & be as unmoved as an adult would be at a spoiled neighborhood three-year-old's screaming meltdown when told they have to stay out of your house, don't get to steal suckers & can't harass your pets.

MiLentless can like it or not. The more she screams the longer the timeout & it should increase geometrically: A week, two weeks, four weeks, eight weeks & so on. This progression conveys that you mean it & if she doesn't control herself she may bar herself from your lives until the youngest of your yet-to-be children completes graduate school (iow, forever).

If she learns to behave (snarky, passive aggressive behavior is disallowed & gets sanctioned just like the rest of her shit: immediately back in timeout or extending the existing one 2X) she may be able to spend some time around you.

She can be decent (YOUR definition) or she's done being in your lives. Completely up to her.

u/zoomzoom42 · 56 pointsr/relationship_advice

How do I stop? You leave this abusive relationship. If you need help understanding your situation please get this book. It may give you the push you need to leave. You are not responsible for his anger!!


u/TheRealCalculon · 54 pointsr/AskReddit

Woah dude. First you need to step back and do some reassessment of things in your life. It's possible you have some sort of clinical depression and if so, go to the doctor and work on it. Whether it's just talking through things or some medicine-- there's no shame in getting better, or having been sad, in the past, because we're leaving this behind us.

First we have to assess what your perceived problems are. Nothing wrong with having problems, only in not solving those problems. Fat-- there's a diet for that. Weak-- there's a workout for that. Ugly-- well you can't change your facial symmetry much but you can work on your style and haircut, your grooming. Poor-- there's capitalism for that. Family life not great-- well, you can't change who they are but you can change how you interact with them, you can take note of issues and learn how to make things better for your family one day.

Now, onto this female quagmire we seem to be sinking in. I've been exactly where you are, it lasted for about the time from maybe 8th grade to about when I was in 10th or 11th over one girl. Guess what-- it wasn't worth feeling like shit all the time. She wasn't worth my feeling like shit. No one is. She's a fine person but I mean, she's married to some creepy band director with a soul patch who's 12 years older than her while I'm clearly awesome now.

You seem to be going about this backwards. First, love really needs to be a mutual understanding between two parties for it to be love. If you think it feels bad(again, I'm speaking from experience) wait till you have that mutual understanding and the other party severs ties. It sucks, it hurts, I was in severely depressed for about a year(different girl from one in school) and beat myself up all the time, lost weight, gained weight, looked and felt bad. She wasn't worth it, again, she's a fine person but now she's... wait-- I don't even know what she's doing now because she's not worth my time and I don't give a fuck anymore. It's called perspective and it comes with age and experience and stepping back from the situation and evaluating things from outside of your emotions. You can do it, all you have to do is try.

See, the thing about women is, and this may not be the best way to phrase it, but it's about respect with them. They want a man(I'm assuming you're a guy) who they respect and who others, friends and general public also respect. To get said respect you must first respect yourself. Not in a narcissistic sense, but a healthy self-esteem.

So take a step back and assess yourself and life. There's going to be some weak spots or things you're not happy with-- everyone has those-- but you're going to target the ones you can do something about and you're going to improve them.

There's going to be some really good qualities and aspects about your person as well. You're probably pretty intelligent-- congratulations. You have a skill or quality that a lot of other people don't-- congratulations. Relish in these things, they're what make you you. These are why you're not going to be depressed anymore. Sharpen and hone them into the weapons you use everyday to make life and the world your bitch. You are now a one man army out to conquer the world and the things in it you want to achieve.

So just forget about this girl for a little while and just focus on yourself, no one else will focus on you until you do. I know it seems weird but it's true. You think Obama or Teddy Roosevelt got elected feeling bad about themselves? Think Clooney goes home everyday and says "I'm attractive enough but Batman & Robin was terrible?" No, look at his list of romantic endeavors. That comes from sure, his looks, but because he believed in himself head out to Hollywood and casting rooms and work his way to the top. He had a goal and he worked towards it, he made it his bitch. He had confidence and believed in himself, then other believed in him and his abilities.

So, for the next month, and this won't be easy, forget about this girl. Stop wasting time on her. That's what every moment you spend thinking about her, but not acting on it is, wasted time. First of all, she may be breathtaking-- but guess what-- there's idk, a million other women on earth who are on par with her. They're out there whether you know it or not. So, she's probably a nice person-- but she's not the only one out there.

While you're not thinking about her this next month you're going to focus on yourself. You're going to asses your strengths and witnesses, what you genuinely like about yourself and what you would like to improve upon. Then you're going to physically write down a plan of action on how to sharpen all of these strengths and witnesses. Nothings going to just fall in your lap. It takes a concerted effort.

If you still want to think about it from the aspect of a breathtaking girl-- make a plan to become the man she deserves, the man who takes her breath away. A breath taking girl needs a strong, secure man right? You don't want people saying "Wow, how did he score her?" you want them looking and saying "That makes sense."

But don't focus one any one girl, just focus on the idea of the girl you want to be with. A companion worthy of your love and commitment. That's who you're doing this for, this yet unknown beauty-- but most of all you're doing this for yourself. You are all you really have in life right?

Try and think about it from a female perspective. What do you think is more attractive. A nice, sweet guy, who says "Look, I'm a nice person, and, I don't really deserve you, you're way out of my league, you're so pretty and I'm really not, but, I promise I'll love you and treat you right, if you just choose me." I've been this guy before. Or, do you think a girl would more likely choose a guy who said "I can have get any girl I want, just by the virtue of being a guy who works for what he wants, and out of all of these women I could date-- I'm choosing you"

What's funny is, and I know from personal experience this really happens. As soon as you start focusing on the things you want out of life. The person you are and want to become. You start doing the things to get you there and you stop worrying about getting one particular girl. Women will take notice of you. If you always pass this girl during the day at school or work and you kind of almost cower in her presence, blush, have a look on your face like "I'm not worthy" it's easy and no fun for her. Sure, it's flattering, but there's no thrill or chase in it for the girl. Instead walk by with your head high. Maybe you don't even notice her really because you're busy and got shit to do. This is much more interesting to a beautiful girl than someone just fawning over her. "Hmmm. He seems really driven. I wonder what he's working on. Did he notice me? I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty. This guy is definitely interesting, he just seemed like he knew his place in the world and where he's going. It might be fun to talk to him and see why he's so seems so sure"

The second one is what we're going for. It's a game man, just have fun. Make it fun for the girls. Don't give them everything right out of the box. Add some spark, some mystery. Keep her guessing if you like her, if you think she's pretty, be spontaneous "What is this crazy guy going to say next that makes he snort when I laugh"

A lot of people probably read your comment and rolled their eyes. Some because they can't relate, some because like me, they cringed because they knew the exact pain and inner turmoil you feel every day when this happens.

I wrote this whole thing, which I hope is cogent(I've been up for 23 hours) not because you deserve it. Not because I owe it to you because you're a nice guy. If you think like that you'll just keep getting ignored and run over. I wrote this because I was you. Life is just what you make it. You can focus on the shitty stuff or you can focus on achieving the things you want in life and becoming the kind of guy you respect in the world-- and have fun while doing it.

Read this.

Check out this book. It opened my eyes up to a lot of stuff and I've been passing it around to my friends as well. If you want you can PM me you're address and I'll mail you a copy, just because I'm an amazing person like that.

There's a lot of subreddit's which may help you out. There's /r/Fitness if you want to get in shape. There's subreddits for educating yourself on all sorts of topics and improving your life. As far as women go you can check out /r/seduction, I know it sounds a little brash if you've never heard of it. But really it's mainly about respecting yourself, fixing the way you see the world and becoming a guy that women are attracted too.

You don't have to be sad anymore man, trust me.

u/AsianAway · 54 pointsr/seduction

No More Mr. Nice Guy

This book has single-handedly and coupled with Models by Mark Manson changed my life in the shortest most dramatic ways possible that I couldn't have never imagined.

u/annaapple5 · 49 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.

You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).

To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.

It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.

Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.

u/PracticedPrick · 45 pointsr/TheRedPill

But you seem to know most of that already.

You can actually use your natural altruism to justify a more realistic and self-concerned approach when you realise that boldness, confidence and assertiveness are gifts you give others not just yourself.

u/Woollen · 42 pointsr/AskMen

It isn't wrong to be kind - just be kind to everyone! :)

You start to push the "nice guy" barrier when you expect people to let you in their pants as a reward for your "kindness". Be kinda because you enjoy it, not because you expect some sort of reaction from others.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" seems to be recommended around Reddit a lot. Might be worth a read.

u/TheOldGuy54 · 40 pointsr/AskMen

Read this book! It is not about becoming a dick to others but learning to stand up for yourself


No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover


"Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.

u/[deleted] · 37 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

>If I tell her I'll just get some crocodile tears while she sobs about how she isn't good enough for me and I deserve better until I drop it and tell her that actually don't worry I am fine and I'm not angry with you.

How little self-respect can you have? She isn't the problem here, YOU are the problem.

>I just don't know how someone can be so selfish, I never not finish her off.

Want to know how? Because you have, for the last six years, let her know that her behavior is ok by doing nothing and caving at the slightest sign of conflict. She is treating you like a doormat because you let her.

Seriously, read this line.

>Not this little pat on the head and a thank you.

Can her attitude be any more condescending? She has zero respect for you, and you have zero respect for yourself.

You are 24 years old, how can you put up with this for 6 goddamn years? Do you like being a bitch/cuckold? Want her to change? Stop being a goddamn doormat.

Here is a book that I will resonate with you

Read the introduction, I will guarantee that you will see yourself described in the first few pages.

u/EntropyFighter · 36 pointsr/socialskills

Sounds like you have a value problem. If you knew your true worth, you wouldn't behave like this. Like, if you were made out of pure win, everything you did won, and you always had success... how would you approach it then?

Do that and don't apologize for it. Nobody else is.

Listen to this: Jim Rohn - Learn These Skills Or Have a Mediocre Life

Read this: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Ask questions about them here if you'd like. But you need to start by realizing your intrinsic value. Sounds like somebody else (likely in childhood) convinced you different and so now here we are.

You're not asking this because you're an introvert. You're asking this because you don't feel you have real value. Also, it's likely that contributes to your introverted tendencies. The book above will really help with this.

Also, it's not anxiety you have, it's more likely that it's embarrassment. You're embarrassed that somebody else will think poorly of you. That's because you're letting them determine your worth. Get a grip on your own value and that will help you more than anything.

u/madpiratebippy · 33 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Honey, he's broken. His Dad was a physically abusive junkie but his Mom kept him in that situaton because she was getting something out of it.

Old book call enablers co-abusers, and until he realizes that she CHOSE to abuse him, and isn't the 'good' parent, he's going to have problems. The bog standard, boring, suite of issues that every child of addicts deals with, but shitty boundaries is one of them, and that's what you are dealing with here.

He's also stuck in the appeasement cycle, it sounds like.

Here's a video I made about being stuck in an appeasement cycle with an abusive parent.

Part of what she might have been getting out of the chaos of the relationship with her husband is that her son wouldn't have any CHOICE but to primarily bond with her- and that the possibility of loosing that bond would keep him in line.

If there are adult child of alcoholics meetings around you, it might be worth going, or reading Toxic Parents- it's one of my favorites, and really helpful for people who had an addict in the family.

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

  1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

    If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
u/soincrediblylost · 33 pointsr/relationships

10/10. I'm going to stamp this as perfect for dealing with her. As for yourself, I'll recommend this book, and some advice.
Here's how you do this so that you move on faster, quicker, and stronger. I'm here to tell you how to make the best for yourself in the long run, I'm not here to tell you the things that you want to hear (e.g. that the relationship isn't fucked). You're only 24 son, this is ok, and everyone eventually goes through this shitty situation.

Breakup with her now and cut her off from being in your life, make sure all signs point to the fact that you are doing awesome (fake it when things aren't going well, because there are times your brain is going to tell you that everything is completely fucked and try to get you to do something stupid). If you wait, it means more heartbreak for you, and your brain is going to come against you in rejection and you could make the process last so much longer as your brain tries to figure out the why she broke up with you (some guys stay in this stage of depression for 6 months to even years and their ego never recovers). If you breakup with her, then you have the reason to latch onto for your brains sake (she cheated, therefore breakup) and you won't over think things which is half the battle of a breakup (and you can avoid the Long-term depression which is a battle you don't want). The most important point is going to come when you realize that you are the only person who can make yourself happy. You must do whatever you want for yourself right now. You can't expect anyone else to make you happy. You can't try to help others and expect them to do something for you down the road, right now you have to be 100% selfish. You lost yourself in this relationship and right now you need to completely reassess who you want to be, and go be it.

She's going to go to the other guy for support, and eventually things are going to go bad for them (a girl who cheats with someone, will probably -not always- cheat on that someone). She'll come back to you and you'll be able to have some fun, but don't get back into anything, it probably won't work. She'll regret cheating on you, and that's the important part, because now she respects you again (also, you've taught her a valuable lesson as an added bonus and she'll be a better person for it). If you take her back, she'll never respect you, but more importantly, you'll lose your respect for yourself. Self-respect is the only thing you can have for yourself as a man, it is the end-all-be-all. Without self-respect, your life will be a continuing string of disappointment in others, with self-respect comes the life you wanted because you earned it for yourself. Go splash some cold water on your face and accept the fact that it's over. Go over and tell her that you're breaking up with her because she cheated, and then don't listen to a word she says. Right now you're scared of losing something, and that's understandable, but we lose everything we get in this life, and this is just another part of it. That's why I'm giving you this advice. I'm telling you what you can't see because of your fear of losing something. What I'm telling you is that this is the beginning of one of the best parts of your life.

You will never be this free again.

u/nagz_ · 31 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

A few things I've learned that help...


1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.


*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!


Much love to you! ❤️

u/crosschain · 30 pointsr/HumansBeingBros

Remember the greatest gift you can give her is the boundaries and space to discover that she is enough on her own.

[Codependent No More](codependent no more: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself . This book changed my life and my approach to relationships.

u/TominatorXX · 29 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

That's a little unfair. He isn't equipped to deal with a raging lunatic of a mother who he barely knows. The mother is sick, twisted, and, HELL YES you need to cut her off and stay away from her. She's toxic.

Read this and ask BF to read it also:

u/greychuck · 29 pointsr/Parenting

Highly recommend Codependent No More if you have never read it, great book for the non-addicted partner in a relationship harmed by addiction.

Highly recommend Al-anon.

These resources are a starting point to help you take back some control of the only thing you can control: your own decisions. You know how you want him to stop making excuses and attack his addiction with real treatment? You need to do the same, attack your acceptance of this and your coping strategies that seek to pick up the slack, enable, smooth things over, negotiate, etc.

You owe it to your child and yourself to work on these issues regardless of what he does. You can't negotiate him into change, you can't force him to change, you can't control things enough to make him change, you can't make change easy enough to where he magically changes. The only thing you can control is you, and that's scary and hard enough.

u/LiveVirus · 28 pointsr/asoiaf
u/sexybug · 23 pointsr/sex

You need to change your passwords and cut her off iphone tracking. FindMyFriends is a consensual tracking app. Remove your consent. If she has access to findmyiphone, change your Apple ID password, too.

This kind of controlling is not okay.

I've never read this, but I've seen it heartily recommended:

Edit: forgot a letter

u/magnoliafly · 22 pointsr/relationships

I highly recommend going to your library and checking out the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I also recommend seeking the help of a counselor or therapist.

Your behavior is destructive and you need to learn the skills to deal with something like this without letting it ruin or take over your own life in the process.

u/YesIStick · 20 pointsr/seduction

Dude, I love you asking about books!

Codependent No More

No More Mr. Nice Guy -I was raised by a very Beta father, and influences significantly by feminism over my education through teachers and friends’ parents. These two books helped break that and accept it is okay to be a fucking male and make your own way in this society.

•The 3rd is not a book but a podcast: The MFCEO Project also available on SoundCloud, and stitcher. I linked episode 107 because it greatly influenced how I structure my approach for life. I also highly recommend episode 141, the battleground mentality, it also helps address approaching society and how we make excuses.

Way of the Wolf - teaches business principals with a tried and true system. It isn’t for everyone but Straight Line selling is a very powerful tool.

Discipline Equals Freedom -This wasn’t as influential for me as I had already placed the development tools it teaches into place, but for anyone starting off on their self development journey I highly recommend it.

u/Poor_Mexican · 20 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.

u/W_O_M_B_A_T · 19 pointsr/relationship_advice

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A Glover.

Let me get this straight. You have a master's degree and you're making six figures.

Your girlfriend is an unemployed couch surfing parasitic leech with barely a high school education, who spends all her time on her hobby which she never earns any money or considers charging people. Then bitches at you constantly about how she thinks your job is a joke, and other passive-agressive abuse.

The issue is you tried to turn a hustler into a housewife.

She's hustling you. 100%. She doesn't respect you because she has no respect, and more importantly you don't respect yourself.

The issue is you're a doormat with no ability to set boundaries.

u/drdiode · 18 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.

Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.

u/not-moses · 18 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Here are some excellent books on narcissistic parenting and its upshots (all available on, etc):

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.

Further, the dynamics of growing up in such families are strikingly similar to what happens in cults. If one is conditioned, socialized, habituated and normalized to a particular form of abuse (before one can recognize the abuse as such) in childhood, it is often the case that one will grow up to seek intimates who are likely to repeat the same form of traumatization to which they were normalized as children. In my case, I took my unconscious -- and unprocessed -- abuse into a series of cult and other co-dependent workplace and relationship situations. If one understands what happens in cults, one often gets a very clear picture of what happened in their own families of origin with narcissistic parents.

u/cyanocobalamin · 18 pointsr/AskMenOver30

I am surprised someone hasn't mentioned this book yet, you might get a lot of it.

No More Mr Nice Guy Hardcover by Dr. Robert A. Glover

u/forgetasitype · 17 pointsr/Parenting

Boundaries is a great book about developing this skill. It has some Christian references (which you may or may not be into), but it is such a useful book.

u/SwiggyBloodlust · 17 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Shoutout for the book Codependent No More. It's basically a classic by now and for damn good reasons.

u/cheezytoast · 17 pointsr/relationship_advice

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

It may seem counter-intuitive but you can't love someone (very well) until you love yourself. All of your self-hate is toxic for your relationship, especially if you particularly hate who you are when you are around him. He probably feels like a jerk for yelling at you when things go wrong, so he also hates who he becomes when you two are together.

You might try some sort of self-soothing techniques and practice delayed gratification. When something goes wrong you might try counting to ten, while thinking about your favorite [whatever] before you talk. Try to not say those words that hurt your relationship. Realize, although the words immediately make you feel better, they only hurt you and him in the long run. Forgive yourself for things you've done and things you dislike about your old self. Picture you being the self you admire. Work on the way you react to negative things. No matter who you are with, they are their own person with their own likes and dislikes and feelings.

Take time to write down things he has done that made you feel loved. Occasionally thank him for one or two of those things. I believe it's true that most of the time, a relationship is beyond the point of no return when both people can't remember the good times they've shared, and strictly remember all the bad times (fights). Focusing on the fights and the differences between you is like focusing on a zit on your forehead. Sure, it's driving you crazy and it's hard to think about anything else but, the more you pick at it and squeeze it, the more swollen and red it becomes. In your (and his) quest to return to positive thinking remember there will be slips. The quicker you (both) forgive, count to ten, and then react positively the stronger your relationship will become.

u/SeaTurtlesCanFly · 17 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

>Has anyone heard of being addicted to someone, even with major abuse happening?

The idea you're looking for here is co-dependency.

Co-dependent No More
is a book that is commonly recommended to people with this problem.

Coming from a very dysfunctional family, I have seen a lot of this. It is very sad. As yet, I have never been able to convince a co-dependent person to get away from their abuser, though I sure have tried over the years with multiple people. I hope you have more luck than I have had.

This book might help you understand the problem. If you can get your ex to read it as well - even better.

u/Mart243 · 17 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Buy this and read it

Arguing with a bpd doesn't lead anywhere. There is no reason for you to fight for a full week. Seriously, read the book. Then decide what you want to do. You deserve better.

u/greggybearscuppycake · 16 pointsr/AlAnon

Reminds me of a book I’m reading called Codependent No More

Glad you’re focusing on self-care and what’s right for you!

u/WrittenByNick · 15 pointsr/BPDlovedones

No, it is pretty distinct.

Codependency tends to stem from low self-esteem and self-worth, often in the sense of "no one else will love me" kind of way. Enmeshing your emotions with someone else's to feel worthwhile.

Caretaker is more about trying to fix things - the positive feeling for when things are going well, that rush of "I did it, I made the other person better." There is definitely an addictive part, feeding the ego even though you aren't actually in control of anything. You often feel if you just work harder, or do more, it will get better.

Codependent didn't match up with my experience much. I'm confident, don't need constant reassurance. I do recognize a past pattern of feeling that being alone (without a partner) would make me feel bad, so there's a bit of it.

Caretaker was my patterns exactly. Self confident, good interacting with other people, competent at work. But in my relationship, I wanted everything to Be Good. I wanted her to be happy, I kept to myself how bad it really was, I pushed down my dissatisfaction to keep up appearances. Made excuses for her behavior (showing up at family / school events without her, that sort of thing).

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
is a book that was recommended to me here, and it gave me a lot of clarity. What I particularly appreciated was the perspective of not really being about BPD or how to fix it, but more about your own behavior and concrete examples of how to take care of yourself if you have Caretaker tendencies.

u/eburos87 · 15 pointsr/sex

Everybody in this thread seems to be jumping to "she's fucking her dad!" However, she doesn't have to be fucking him for it to be an unhealthy and incestuous relationship. Hell, they don't even have to be having any sexual contact. Look up the book Silently Seduced. It's all about covert incest, which is basically having a sexual undertone to the interactions between parent and child. A lot of the people who experience this only realize that there is a problem once they become adults and are attempting to have normal sexual relationships with their partners.

Your girl exhibits a lot of the red flags they talk about in this book. First, her mom and dad have a rough relationship, which is probably why she's the one that goes out with him for 'dates.' But putting a child into the partner role of a parent is extremely emotionally damaging. Second, you said that she is sexually adventurous, which may be because she feels that she was sexualized at an early age. Of course, she might just be sexually adventurous, as plenty of people are.

Honestly, she may not even now that this is a form of incest. She probably thinks that she's just "daddy's little girl." Other people have mentioned that she might be dropping hints because she wants you to bring it up, but she also just might not think that this is at all abnormal. I definitely think that you should talk to her about this, but make sure you don't bring it up in an already charged situation (fight, sex, etc.).

Honestly, I wish you both luck. Hopefully you can help her start to make these connections so that she can take the steps she needs to deal with this. As a 22 woman who is close to her parents in a completely healthy way, this is not normal and you're right to be uncomfortable.

u/you_done_messed_up · 15 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> chocolate covered strawberries, flowers, candles

Despite what the media tells you, these kind of gestures will not generate sexual desire where there is none.

> she instantly starts being negative about the whole thing

Because she immediately sees what these gestures are about and activates her defense mechanisms.

> Am I right to be angry or not?

This was a covert contract: you do nice gesture X to get her to have sex with you, it doesn't happen, you get pissed.

This is an unhealthy pattern of behavior that you should get rid of. You can read the book.

Having said that, I strongly recommend that you take some time to really think about how shitty your marriage needs to get for you to get out.

u/Devvils · 15 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

He sounds like me 10 years ago.

  • he needs therapy, and lots of it; he needs to look after himself, but he doesn't realise he's not doing that
  • he may need antidepressants
  • have a talk to him about reducing contact enough so she can't intrude. Have a look at medium chill. Why is he telling his mother that he's selling his place? If he had a stalker, would he telegraph what he is doing? He needs cognitive reframing.
  • your next present for him is the book No More Mr Nice Guy
  • get him to look at Spatran Life Coach's vids
u/CassandraCubed · 14 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Here are some links on forgiveness which you may find helpful:

/u/invah's comment and compilation of links on forgiveness

Emily Yoffee's excellent article

Sister Renee's take on forgiveness over at Luke 17.3 ministries

Susan Forward also has some very useful writings on forgiveness in her book Toxic Parents

My personal experience has been that trying to prematurely forgive my nmother was a huge hindrance to my healing from the hurts she heaped on me, not a help. All it did was put me back in harm's way.

In the end, what worked for me was to accept that my nmother was never going to change, she was never going to apologize, and she was never going to stop, regardless of her occasional, random variations. She was never going to own her part in the process.

From your description above, it sounds like your mother is demanding absolution for her actions against you. She's not offering repentance for her behavior, and amends for the damage she has done as the first steps in the process of forgiveness. She won't take any responsibility for her behavior, and she wants you to do all the work...

Sticking around and tolerating bad behavior when the aggressor hasn't taken responsibility for their actions or changed their ways has a higher price than you might think at first.

In the end, what worked for me was going NC. My take on NC is don't do it one second earlier than you have to -- but don't stick around one second longer than you have to, once it's clear that it's the best option. I wasted literally decades of my life, trying to either fix the relationship with my nmother, or like you've described, trying to tolerate her behavior.

Big hugs (if you want them), because dealing with this cr&p is HARD.

u/casualcolloquialism · 14 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

Your dad acted like a jerk and it sounds like he acts like a jerk a lot. I grew up pretty damn conservative and I gotta tell you, I don't think this is because he's conservative. I think he's a jerk.

Not sure if this will apply to you at all or not, but part of disengaging from my conservative family involved learning more about codependency. I discovered that I had spent my whole life trying to make sure that others around me were happy at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. I really recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to learn more about this. It was literally a life-changing book for me, and it might help you build some coping skills to deal with your dad.

u/am59853 · 14 pointsr/BPDlovedones

A "successful relationship" with a pwBPD means a calm one, extraordinarily rarely does it mean a supportive romantic partnership. Is that what you're wanting for the rest of your life, to take care of someone who is ill while never having your needs met? Whether you would say yes or no, I'd highly recommend reading this book, which will help you set the necessary boundaries to have a baseline relationship:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

u/scottishredpill · 14 pointsr/asktrp

Agree with the other post, you sound like a troll, however, here are some reading suggestions:

No More Mr Nice Guy book/can get the pdf using google

Married Man Sex Life blog/pdf

These are generally heavily recommended for anyone that wants to take a little more control of their marriage.

The Red Pill Room Blog of a married Red Piller

What you want to look for is "relationship game". Here is the result of the search on Chateau Heartiste.

There are some well known female bloggers that may have useful advice:

Red Pill Wifery

Sunshine Mary

Judgy Bitch

u/carpetplaydohx2 · 14 pointsr/GenderCritical

May I suggest something? Splurge on something nice and pampering for the person who's been mothering the neglected, abused child inside you: you.

Get your mom a card or some flowers if you want, also, but do something nice for yourself. Mothering ourselves after a lifetime of hurt is one of the toughest, but also most rewarding, jobs.

Also a book suggestion, if you're interested: Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward.

u/Anonnymoose73 · 13 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I would recommend the book Toxic Parents to help you recognize and understand the patterns of abuse that you've been conditioned to accept as normal. It's not that you're an "underdeveloped child;" it's that you've been trained to normalize the bad behavior.

Also, I'm sure you'll get a choir of people singing it, but therapy. Therapy therapy therapy. Individual, couples, or group, whatever seems best for you, but get some.

u/Magorkus · 13 pointsr/AskMen

Here are two resources I've found helpful. Both of these were game changers for me:

No More Mr Nice Guy: The dangers of "Nice Guy Syndrome" (which you're obviously encountering now). It's not about becoming an asshole, it's a systematic approach to helping you set healthy boundaries with others and to start respecting and taking care of yourself.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty: How to apply the ideas in No More Mr Nice Guy to interactions with women you'd be interested in dating. The "pick up" community can be pretty trashy, but this is about becoming the person you really want to be so that you can attract the kind of person you want to spend time with. Great stuff.

u/ziddina · 12 pointsr/exjw

> Last week I started writing a post about what it was like to grow up being coached on how to refuse blood transfusions, but gave up because I don’t really see the point in sharing it – you all know already and no one else would understand or care.


What the hell? My jackass JW parents never coached me about that. I'd love to hear about that.


> I’ve given up on trying to share any of these things with my SO, he’s taken to making dismissive jokes about whatever I’m sharing, or telling me it’s not right to pin everything that’s wrong with me on this one thing because plenty of people go through stuff just like it.


Fuck NO not everyone has gone through what you've gone through! You were shoved into the deadliest cult in existence at this time:


REPOST: This first link is a website run by believing JWs who are deeply concerned about the deadly aspects of the WT anti-blood-transfusion mentality:

An article pointing out that JW women are at much greater risk of dying during pregnancy and during birth:

>[under "Discussion"] All available research evidence suggests that JW women experience high morbidity and mortality in association with obstetric and gynaecologic interventions, and this is thought to be linked to their refusal of blood and blood products.

Here's the Dutch study:

>[page 1107] We found that women who are Jehovah’s witnesses are at a six times increased risk for maternal death, at a 130 times increased risk for maternal death because of major obstetric haemorrhage and at a 3.1 times increased risk for serious maternal morbidity because of obstetric haemorrhage, as compared to the general Dutch population.


[Edit to add] From:


Under the subheading "Mortality Rates at Certain Hemoglobin Levels"


>It is estimated that about 1000 Jehovah’s Witnesses die annually due to refusal of blood transfusion (6).



Keep in mind that the Jim Jones massacre killed LESS than 1,000 people - and here the study indicates that the Watchtower Society kills that number of people EVERY YEAR (for the last 70+ years!) due to their insane anti-blood-transfusion policy.


THAT is the deadliest mother-frakking cult that I've ever heard of! Add to that their harsh shunning, anti-education and anti-living wage mentality, and the WT Society is the nastiest mess of destructive behaviors that I've ever heard of. Even Scientology doesn't forbid blood transfusions!!


Incidentally, one vital reason for therapy and digging through your past is so you will learn to recognize the many forms of abuse that you were subjected to. This is VITAL, because far too often people who were victimized as children LEARN TO ACCEPT SIMILAR ABUSES AS ADULTS.


Far too many children raised in abusive cults and highly dysfunctional family systems end up with significant others who will abuse them in similar ways. If you haven't learned to recognize the types of abuses you were subjected to, someone else could be abusing you in similar ways, right now. Often the surface appearance of the abuse changes, while the underlying patterns remain.


Cults/abusive partners make you feel worth less or worthless.

Cults/abusive partners don't take your pain seriously. It is in THEIR FAVOR to belittle your pain and experiences, so you'll continue being a passive victim that they can use.

Cults/abusive partners will always act superior to you. If they can convince you that they know more than you do, they can control you.


There's so much more to this sort of situation, but I would strongly recommend that you remain in therapy AND check out as many books and online resources about cognitive distortions, cult-like family systems, narcissists and narcissistic abuse, scapegoating and the Golden Child, narcissists and gaslighting, etc.


A couple of old books that helped me were:



Hope this helps...

u/The11thHerald · 12 pointsr/niceguys

They're probably referring to No More Mr Nice Guy, which is based around correcting Nice Guy tendencies. It looks like this meetup is actually related to this book as well.

u/RubyWooToo · 12 pointsr/RedPillWomen

I strongly suggest you read Codependent No More. What you're essentially describing to me is a codependent dynamic, and it might actually be doing your ex a lot more harm than good.

You already know this, but there isn't going to be any room in your life for another man while you're still enmeshed in a relationship with your ex. Once you've taken whatever steps you need to pull back from your ex, then give dating a try.

u/realslacker · 12 pointsr/AskReddit

"Nice guys" aren't actually nice, they just think they can trade "being nice" for sex. When that doesn't work out then the "nice guys" turn into unhappy ass-holes, while they watch the women they pine over fall for someone else. I know this, because I started out as a "nice guy" and had a lot of growing up to do to reverse the crazy ideas that media and society put into my head about how love and relationships work.

Here's a good place to start:

u/Gif_Goldblum · 11 pointsr/AskMenOver30

You're a "nice guy". Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and stop it. Just fucking stop it already. What's your problem? Why can't you stop? Because you're a nice guy.

u/llamanana · 11 pointsr/Stoicism

Why do you want to be more social? What do you want in life? Specifically. Write down the reasons, and write down everything you want for yourself - all the things you'd like to own, all the skills you'd like to have, all the people you'd like to meet, all the characteristics you wish you embodied.

Done? No, because you're an asshole. Go back and write them down. Seriously. I spent a fucking long time writing this post for you - I explain my point in several different ways, from different angles, because it's fucking important to me that you get the help you seek - you can take four minutes to write down some reasons. Open up your text editor and get to work, reddit will still be here when you get back. Don't get distracted. Do not trust your memory - write them down.

Okay. Look at those reasons. It's a list of things you want to be, do, and have. Ask yourself: Do you have the freedom to become, achieve and obtain those things, through your actions?

You were afraid to write some things. Maybe you thought "fuck a thousand people" was unrealistic. "Become emperor of my own country". "Go to space," "Own a castle," "Fly with the Blue Angels," "Be a real life James Bond," "Write a novel," "Be able to talk to anyone," "Start a religion," "Meet Daniel Craig." You're wrong, go back and write your "unrealistic" things down too. People have done them, you are physically capable of doing them. But are you free to do them?

Right now, you've decided to believe the answer is "no". If it were "yes", you wouldn't have posted, you would have just gone out and done them. Let's change that "no" to a "yes".

  • Take this test. Write down your score somewhere you won't lose it.

    If this problem is the one you truly want to solve, you must focus your attention on it and let nothing distract you. All things which might get in the way of you solving your anxiety and inferiority problems must be ignored, including some of your own beliefs, and including some things like Netflix and Reddit you would rather be doing because they're comfortable and easy. This will be hard work. You will feel incredible after it is done, and it will be done soon if you work hard. Do not waste time. Only through discipline can you achieve freedom - if you are spending time looking at cat videos, understand that you are removing the freedom to spend that time elsewhere. You will not get that time back. It is forever chained to cat videos.

  • Read this book. Pay particularly close attention to section IV.
  • Take the test again. Compare scores.

    You must not fear. There is nothing on the other side of fear except failure. Failure of inaction is much, much worse than failure through action: you learn nothing when you do nothing. Make every attempt to socialize in every situation, even if it hurts, and even though you will fail many times. Experiment until you figure out, trust that you will figure it out.

    Optimism will not help you, neither will pessimism - if you believe things will work out okay no matter what, or that things will go to shit no matter what, you have resigned yourself to the whims of a random God and decided not to act. Only activism will help you - the belief that your actions will affect positive change on the outcome. This is true for all things you want in life, including "how do I make friends", "how do I start a business", "how do I become President", "how do I get a job," "how do I get an A in this class," and so on. Strengthen your belief that your success relies entirely on your actions. Strengthen your belief that you have the ability to make good decisions in the future. Strengthen your belief that the worst that could happen is something you can handle. Do not fear boredom, isolation or embarrassment if they are in service of your growth as a human being.

  • Read this book. If it makes you feel shitty about yourself, that means I'm right and you need to read it all the way to the end, you will feel better later. Trust me and make the small sacrifice.
  • Take the test again. Compare scores.

    Seneca recommended taking brief periods of time to deliberately live in rags and eat very little, to steel oneself against the fear of poverty. In our modern era we have developed many new fears, all of which can be eradicated in similar fashion. Fear of boredom. Fear of isolation. Fear of missing out. Fear of hunger, fear of gaining weight, fear of being unattractive, fear of looking dumb, inexperienced, uncool, fear of not being happy enough, not having enough interesting Facebook posts, and on and on. If you have these fears, face them. Physically write them down, then write down ways to mitigate or prevent them, and ways you could recover from them if they come to pass. Realize that these fears are controlling you and limiting your freedom.

    Then it comes time to face these fears. Go out and talk to people. Find people that know things you want to know, ask them questions. Find people that do things you want to do, admit your inexperience, and ask for their help. Offer them something in return, and get creative - "I'll <help you with your math homework / trade you a bag of chips / get you that girl's phone number / level up your WoW character> if you show me how you <do this problem / throw a perfect spiral / make those cookies>". Do this with as many people as you can find, do not worry about making friends with each one, do not worry if they make fun of you, do not worry if they hate you - the goal is quantity. Learn from your mistakes, learn from your successes. Every time you fail to take the action - going to a meetup, going to a party, talking to a stranger, joining a group activity - you are restricting your own freedom.

    Understand: you are on your own. You can build yourself to do and be anything you want, it is up to the rest of the world to try and stop you, and they will fail because they are uncoordinated and lack self-awareness. The more you realize this, the freer you become.

    Further reading:

  • Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It's a classic for a reason. Do not mentally add "effective in business" to the title, it applies to all situations.
  • The Art of Seduction. It's not just about seducing women. Making friends, marketing products, attracting investors - these all share common skills which can and must be learned.
  • The Obstacle Is The Way. Because this is /r/stoicism, after all.
  • The 4-Hour Body. Learn about self-experimentation and planning ahead for failure. Develop self-awareness. Lose weight if necessary, build muscle if desired.
u/NickTDS · 11 pointsr/seduction

A lot of neediness stems from a lack of experience. If you haven't made connections with many women, you are likely to feel more desperate. It goes back to scarcity vs abundance mentality. When you haven't had any positive references, it's hard to convince your mind to be unattached (opposite of needy) from the end result.

Here's how to fix that:

Gain experience

When I started going out I just wanted a taste of success, any success. I tried to "win" every interaction and my motives were very outcome driven -- women could feel that. As I went out more and began seeing results, I proved to myself that I could attract beautiful girls. That an awesome woman would love the opportunity to meet me and that I had plenty to offer. It soon became less about "I need to win this" and more about "I want to meet some cool girls and have a fun time." When you're in that mindset, you're giving value and not trying to take it. This makes you a gentleman and far from needy.

Go out more, challenge your comfort zone every single damn day, and you will naturally become more outcome-independent and less clingy.

Prioritizing your needs

Do shit that you enjoy on a regular basis. Start living a life that makes you happy instead of trying to impress others. Say more silly shit to people and stop caring about every word that comes out of your mouth. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and be upfront with your intentions. Have an opinion and don't just be a "yes man" to women.

Honestly, the book that changed my life in that regard is No More Mr. Nice Guy. The first chapter alone blew my mind and transformed a lot of men I know.


If you need some more resources this "Nice Guy vs Real Man aka Gentleman diagram" and this article should clear things up. Also, what omokage said is a great mentality to enter any interaction with.

u/nanaimo · 11 pointsr/QueerEye

That's amazing!

Therapy is always a good idea but it's not possible for everyone. I can vouch that these books/workbooks contain accurate, helpful info. & tips. DM me for help finding digital copies.

Toxic Parents

  • Low self-esteem nearly always begins in childhood. This is an extremely helpful book.

    Self Esteem (3rd Edition)

  • Thorough and practical!

    The CBT Workbook for Depression (2nd Ed)

  • The specific activities in chapters 16-18 are esp. great. Really helpful things you can actually do, rather than vague advice.

    The Mindful Way Workbook for Depression

  • There are MANY books about mindfulness. Not all are good. This is easy to read, and jumps right into teaching skills.

    Other good books:

    The Dance of Anger

  • If you struggle with self-esteem, often you silence your anger rather than expressing it. This book is "for women" but in reality the info. can help anyone, esp. the concept of family "triangles".

    Kid Confidence

  • For parents. 2019 book gives the very latest info. on raising resilient kids.
u/my_throwaway_ac · 11 pointsr/offmychest

You're doing the right thing. Congratulations on taking this step to improve your life.

A book I found helpful dealing with my own family situation (some similarities) was Toxic Parents. It's a hard thing when you don't have parents you can talk with for encouragement, support, and so on, but it's extremely important to learn it's not your fault when this happens. Took me a while to learn that one.

u/The_Oddest_Owl · 11 pointsr/BettermentBookClub

"Codependent No More" is a standard written by Melody Beattie. I have to admit it's been years since I read it, but I remember it having a profound impact on me. It made me see things from a completely different perspective. She has a bunch of other books as well that would probably be worth checking out.

u/Meonspeed · 11 pointsr/relationships

I have a similar history as you and my stomach was in knots reading your first post. In my late teens/early 20's I was in a relationship that turned abusive, and towards the end he used my past as a weapon against me. It was like he constantly had to remind me that I was "damaged goods" to keep my self esteem low enough to stick around. Like your husband, he was a good man who destroyed himself with alcohol and mental illness that he refused to get help for. I felt like a failure when it ended too, although it was probably the best decision I ever made in my life. I think you know deep down what you have to do, and I applaud you for your courage in taking that first baby step.

Please don't let any misplaced feelings of guilt keep you in a toxic relationship. You cannot fix him, and in a way you are only enabling his self-destruction by staying around and making excuses for his behavior. He hasn't been taking any steps to get well from the sounds of it, and he's using being sick as a way to manipulate you (i.e. ending up in the psych ward any time you go see your family) This has clearly devolved into a textbook alcoholic/co-dependent relationship, and if I could give you one piece of advice it would be to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, and start going right away. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helped me, in every aspect of my life. This book was a life changer for me as well.

Ending an unhealthy marriage is not failing, it is a way of taking ownership of your life back. It's actually quite courageous in a way. The fact that you married someone with these problems isn't a failing either. You have what many abuse survivors have-an innate sense of empathy for other people in pain. There is a reason so many of us grow up to be caretakers, and often end up with damaged people who hurt us. It's that empathy and deep understanding that draws you in. It's not low self esteem, or masochism, like so many people suggest. It's not a character flaw-in fact it can become a positive trait if you harness it the right way. From the sounds of it you already are through your advocacy.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that your story resonated with me a lot, and I'm pulling for you. I think you are on your way to making the right choice, and I hope you love yourself enough to go through with it. If you ever need someone to talk to who can relate, feel free to send me a PM.

u/hello-mr-cat · 11 pointsr/insaneparents

I would read a couple books in your situation.

This one helped me put some perspective about my relationship with my mother. "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist and get on with life"

This other was a good read too as if the author was a fly on the wall of my childhood home

u/respect_fully · 11 pointsr/nosurf

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You are very, very harsh on yourself. This is understandable, because like many people coming from an abusive home, you probably weren't talked to with love and kindness, so you could never learn to talk to yourself in a gentle, kind, respectful, loving way. Being this harsh with oneself is a telltale symptom of deep emotional wounds that need to heal. Please don't beat yourself up so much. You have accomplished a LOT. You have quit an abusive home where you grew up. This in itself is already quite amazing. You are independent, you have a job (however shitty). You pay your bills. You have gotten help, medications you need to function at this moment, and you've managed to not drink for a YEAR so that these medications could work correctly. This is huge. You have the persistence to show up at an AA meeting every Friday despite how hard things are. And yes, you have a bit of an internet addiction problem, because hell, you need SOMETHING to dull the pain, and yeah, it sucks, but there are so many addictions which are much worse. I'm not saying you should condone your surfing problem, but do give credit where credit is due. I know you say you "hate yourself so fucking much" at this moment, but this can change. You're not hate material ! This hate, it's not yours. This comes from your troubled childhood ; these hating, harsh, unkind voices, are not yours : they are your abusers'. In order to improve your life, including the internet issue, there are wounds that need to heal. The best way I know of is with the help of a compassionate, competent therapist (shop around ! Not all therapists are like this, and it really pays to take the time to find one you feel truly comfortable with). If this is too expensive or overwhelming at the moment, there are a couple of books that come to mind which may help you look at yourself in a different, kinder way. "In the realm of hungry ghosts", an amazing book about addiction by Gabor Maté comes to mind, and also maybe "Finding your own North Star" by Martha Beck. I'm sure there are many others.

You are very frustrated with your life at this moment, but clearly you haven't given up. You haven't "accepted" this life as your future. You need a couple more skills to advance (mostly about learning to manage your emotions, in my opinion) but you're getting close. Take a little break on the harsh, insulting self-talk for a while (it's not working very well anyway, is it ? ;) and let your frustrated, wounded self breathe a bit while you figure all this out. Make a little truce with yourself, if you will. Honestly, I think it's not going to be easy, but you have a fair chance of healing and moving closer to the life you would like to live. Take things one step at a time. Best luck to you.

u/arsecane · 11 pointsr/Parenting

You poor thing.

So everyone is going to tell you to go to therapy - and they're right. But I am sure you are mentally saying "When the fuck am I supposed to do that, if I can't take a relaxing bath how the hell can I schedule therapy??" So, I'm going to recommend a book that is very short, very quick and easy to read, it's not War and Peace you know. I know it will still be a challenge to find the time but I think that in some ways it can help you. Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Some of it may not apply, those parts will be obvious and you can skim it. But it will help you learn to set your own boundaries for your own mental health. I am here to tell you some sad truth. There is NOTHING you can do to make your husband change. He might never change, no matter what you do. But, there is EVERYTHING you can do to change the way you handle things, to help yourself, to put up and enforce your boundaries, to validate yourself and to give yourself more space and compassion.

I know that all sounds probably like woo, but Codependent No More is an incredibly helpful book that helped me with a somewhat similar situation (albeit 4 fewer children).

Please read it. You have time to read it. You can't afford not to read it. Like every sentence of your post I thought "she NEEDS to read Codependent No More." Just go buy it for your kindle or to read on your phone or whatever, right now. Then at least you have it, and you might later have a momentary lull and say to yourself "Wait, I have 5 minutes, I could start this incredibly powerful life changing book."

Yes, a lot of it is geared toward people who have alcoholic or addict spouses and I know that is not your situation. But it can also apply for people with depressive or otherwise super unhelpful spouses who are dragging them down, making them feel like they are trying to swim the house and family across a creek but the spouse is like an anchor tied around their neck.

You need something you can do right now this week right away, and I am telling you, if you read that book and even 15% take advice from it, you'll find a way for things to get better.

Other practical ideas:

  • Order your groceries from Amazon or PeaPod or something, at least for awhile. Or at least order as much as you can so that your grocery trips are just for minimal stuff you can't get delivered.

  • Yes, he should do his own laundry. That is an EXCELLENT place to start. Tell him "I have asked for help with many things, and since I'm not getting it I've had to mindfully decide on some tasks I cannot handle doing by myself anymore. I cannot handle doing your laundry anymore, so instead I will place it in this blue hamper and it's your responsibility to clean your clothes." Laundry is a great place to start because it directly affects him, laundry takes a long time, and I'm telling you from experience that when you stop doing your unhelpful spouse's laundry it feels fucking amazing. It was a big step for me.
  • Do your kids do chores and are you content with what they do? If not, make a chore chart. I know that takes more free time you don't have, but it's an investment.
  • Get your husband a set of disposable (recyclable) paper plates and cups and insist he use them. This is not optimal and is costly and stupid but you are in emergency problem solving mode right now.

    Obviously therapy, etc. But start something now. Read the book. Do some practical suggestions or if those don't work figure some out that do.
u/Mgtow-now · 11 pointsr/MGTOW

You should read No More Mr Nice Guy.

u/_mtraut · 10 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Yes, yes, yeeees sigh.

A book that might speak to you:

Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

u/Bizkitgto · 10 pointsr/AskMen

Fight Club - It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything

Runner-up: No More Mr Nice Guy - take back your manhood!! Models is awesome too, someone mentioned it on here. I think these go well together.

u/evilnumberlady · 10 pointsr/socialskills

Describing yourself as a "nice guy" is a red flag for me. What people mean when they say that often is significantly different than what I would mean when describing a legitimately kind person. You didn't go into too much detail so don't think I'm bashing you here personally, I wouldn't really know. Just think of this as general advice to step away from the "nice guy" mentality if you really have it.

I like this book a lot:

First, you have to be able to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Not doing so is a disservice to yourself and people around you. You can do this kindly. You are just showing the people in your life how you'd like to be treated. Pay attention to who respects this and focus more of your energies on them.

u/arithmetok · 10 pointsr/CPTSD

Hey, it’s fucking bullshit that cost is a factor when we’re facing a life-threatening injury. It’s bullshit that you have to figure out how to do this on your own. However, I know that you can do this. You’re already doing it — asking for help is the first step. Allow me to believe this for you until you can believe it yourself.

I have had unearned privilege that granted me immoral access to resources, some quite expensive or even elite, and I’ve worked my ass off, and I am living a meaningful life worth living.

However, I hope you find it encouraging that I made the most progress in reparenting myself using books that you might even be able to get at the library.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving — Pete Walker

Codependent No More — Melody Beattie

Codependent No More WORKBOOK — Melody Beattie

Facing Codependence — Pia Mellody

Breaking Free WORKBOOK - Pia Mellody

Codependent behaviors and motivations overlap significantly with CPTSD, and codependency can be at the root of all kinds of trauma responses (freeze, fawn, fight, flight). So, strategies developed for codependence often include an element of reparenting, inner child work, etc.

I found going to co dependents anonymous meetings to be another cost-effective resource. (Usually suggested donation of $2, only if you have it.) Being around other people openly struggling towards healthy and loving relationships with themselves helped mitigate the shame I felt.

One important step in the process that I think it’s easy to skip over is giving thought about what kind of parent you are using to parent yourself? What are their qualities? Things like ‘patient, quiet, attentive, sober’ might come up.

Then, when you’re in need of reparenting,
You can ask yourself ‘how would a parent with the qualities I chose respond to me right now?’

It’s important that you’re activating your imagination in the reparenting process — try not to think of your ideal parent as the opposite of your actual parent. You’re trying to open up the brain to accepting a new idea — putting a splint on the trauma injury — so it’s not helpful to remind it of past patterns when you’re trying to write new ones.

I hope that made sense! Feel free to ask clarifying questions.

u/Mox_Ruby · 10 pointsr/Marriage

You are a pushover and your wife is world class bitch. Your such a nice man your not even capable to use the language required to tell us how she really is.

You have to be a level 99 thundercunt for a business to turn away money from a customer.

Your problem is your wife is a terrible person and steam rolls over your boundaries because you have a spine like a udon noodle.

Shes incharge of your life. Over.

Prescription one.

Perscription two

Read them both.

u/ginger_sprout · 10 pointsr/stopdrinking

I recently read Codependent No More and I can’t recommend it enough. It has really helped me see how my old thinking and behavior in relationships kept me locked in unhealthy patterns and kept me from developing as a person, independently of what anyone else was doing. It’s helping me realize that the only person who I can or should try to control is myself.

I’m currently reading The Language Of Letting Go by the same author, which has daily thoughts about about the same topics. It has also been hugely helpful to me, and is available for free, along with other recovery readings, at

When I first got sober this time around I went to an Alanon meeting, which is a support group for people who are in relationships with alcoholics. I’m not currently in a relationship, and it didn’t feel entirely relevant to where I am right now, but it’s a fantastic resource and might be worth checking out.

Therapy has also been a great resource and support for me. I’ve gotten sober before while living with an active alcoholic. My ex was not as regular or as compulsive of a drinker as I was, but he still drank regularly, in unhealthy ways, and addiction popped up in a lot of ways, for both of us, in how we lived our lives. It was tough for me to stay focused on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself and support my sobriety. I worked a lot on putting effort into it, but I didn’t look for ways to get the support that I needed. More support, earlier, would’ve helped me a lot.

That’s just my experience, for what it’s worth. I wish you luck, and it sounds like you’re in a loving and healthy headspace regarding all of this.

u/agavebadger7 · 10 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

NTA. Just start crying and maybe they'll be too scared to keep pressuring you. I CANNOT believe your mother volunteered your hair. That's so inappropriate I can't even tell you.

I highly recommend this book to you. It was really helpful for me when I was younger and struggled with taking care of myself when that self-care was resisted by people I cared about and/or felt obligated to.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

u/argylepancake · 10 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward, she also wrote Toxic In-Laws!

This is still my favorite go-to for any abused person. This book very gently informed me that I was the target child (scapegoat) and it was not my fault. She also walks you thru

  • establishing boundaries
  • letter writing examples
  • forgive or not forgive
  • how to talk to your Golden Child/favored siblings about things they didn't see/know

    Specifically for those of us raised by narcissists:

    Why is it All About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss

    The best thing in this book is how she lays out projection and the transference of the narcissist's shame onto the child and how that messes us up. I have dozens of post-it flags in this book.
u/Proeliata · 10 pointsr/WTF

I doubt anyone will see this since it's so far down, but although I've never experienced anything like this video, I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive parent, and that leaves scars all of its own. I've been working on getting past it for years, and I just wanted to mention that this book is an excellent one to read if you're trying to get over your own demons:

I wish I could recommend it to every single person in this post who's had to go through these problems.

u/ohgeeztt · 10 pointsr/starterpacks

Great, every houseless person just needs to move to Arkansas, youve solved it, thats a wrap. Go present to the thousands and thousands of social workers and policy makers working on this issue, theyll be kicking themselves they didnt think of this brilliant plan sooner. The lack of compassion and empathy is staggering.


edit: for those who are actually looking for solutions, this book is an excellent start.

u/acceptedintegrated · 10 pointsr/polyamory

Hi! I am a recovering Sex and Love Addict and I am also poly. I took a break from dating last year when I got called in by a partner for some of my toxic behavior. I am currently with just my anchor partner who I've been with for almost 3 years. At the time of my call in I had too many partners to count and I was using people and behaving in very toxic and abusive ways. Sex and love was my drug and people were my sources of supply.

This is what I did when I thought I had a problem but wasn't sure what to do.

Here is a link to the SLAA 40 questions for self diagnosis. When I took it I answered yes to 35 of them and it was pretty clear to me that I had a problem and should go to a meeting.

There is also a reading called the Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction that I also recommend reading.

If you decide you think you have a problem and would like to find help you can find a meeting here.

I also went to a therapist that specialized in treating sex and love addiction. Look for someone that specializes, also the book Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes is really good to read.

There is also a subreddit r/SexAddiction that is really helpful. It's small, but very supportive. I'm a mod, come on over.

You don't have to live this way. You deserve better. A year ago my life was completely out of control and I was harming everyone close to me. Today I have a much more simple and stable life. I am not acting out or causing harm to my loved ones or my community. I'm in the process of doing the work so that I can make amends to those I've harmed. My life used to be incredibly small, completely focused on sex and love and the finding ways to get more. It was a hell of my own creation. Today the obsession has lifted and I have a life that is beyond what I could even dream of back then. You can do it too, I'm not special, I was just willing to admit I had a problem and that I needed help from people who'd been where I was and were now living better.

u/Jilly_Bean16 · 10 pointsr/breakingmom

Your partner and Patrick sound pretty codependent. I like this book for learning more about codependent relationships and how to increase self esteem.

u/TheLadyEve · 9 pointsr/SubredditDrama

The systems theory perspective holds that addictions are kept in place by the family system, rather than simply being the sole responsibility of the addict. Essentially, the family is like a cell, seeking some degree of homeostasis. For dysfunctional families, addiction may serve to maintain the balance of the system, so in order to change the addiction certain other factors in the family need to change as well. The addiction is serving a function, and as long as the system is reliant on that function (whatever it may be) then it will be very hard for the addict to successfully change within the system.

In terms of more academic reading, Substance Abuse and The Family is a helpful text. It gives a good overview of systems theory and how addiction functions in families.

In terms of books for family members looking for support, Codependent No More is a classic. Another book that is more general but which I just finished reading and loved is Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.

u/RedHawk · 9 pointsr/relationship_advice

> "I'll just be her friend till she sees how great I am" shit anymore. Its all lies.

So you finally figured it out. Now it's time to man up and grow some balls.

u/myfavor8throwaway · 9 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Two and a half years ago my wife confessed to me that she was "in love" with someone I thought was my friend, and had been fucking him for weeks.

I decided I wanted to fight for my relationship. Mostly, I couldn't stomach the idea of divorce without feeling like I really did everything I could. She more or less immediately agreed to stop contact with him, even though she wasn't sure she wanted to stay with me. We went to counseling together and individually, and dove into the practices from in an effort to rebuild our relationship.

It was the hardest, and most painful thing I've ever done. For two years we struggled. We'd be ok for a couple of months, then she would explode. Turns out she had a really hard time with her own needs and wants; even acknowledging them to herself was tough, never mind bringing them up to me. Meanwhile I suffered big time from Nice Guy syndrome, and the book No more mister nice guy made a huge difference. So did focusing on myself and picking up new, empowering hobbies. (martial arts)

Finally last June she blew up and left me to stay at a friend's house. After 2 years of this shit, I was ready for her to go... Ready to say goodbye to this relationship. I offered to trade off times at our apartment until we decided what to do. That separation lasted 3 weeks, and every time we traded off (twice a week) we would check in about how we felt. I called my family members and prepared them, that I was probably going to divorce in the next couple of weeks.

During this period of time I got more offers from women than I think I have in my entire life. It was a serious part of my decision, the fact that apparently I had access to unlimited pussy.

In the end she asked me to move back in together, and I decided to give it one last hopeless chance, but on strict conditions. Every week we would have a relationship talk together to see how we were doing. And if there was one more blowup, I would leave.

It was tough for a couple of weeks, but then it was like a light switch in my wife. In retrospect she says she just "decided" to have a more positive outlook. After a little fight (which I honestly thought would be the end), she came back with a totally different attitude. It was like she was done just letting shit happen to her, and she was ready to come to the table in making this relationship what we BOTH wanted.

We've been on a continuous upward momentum ever since then. We still meet every week to check in about our relationship, and it's just getting better and better. I'm happier than I've been perhaps my whole life, and she says the same. What's more, we are incredibly close to each other, having both come through hell for this relationship. We're back to being the "newlywed" couple at restaurants (we're going on 9 years married), and we communicate now like never before.

I'm very lucky, but dammit I worked and suffered enough to feel like I deserve it. We're extremely happy together, and planning our first child in a year and a half or so.

It IS possible to get through to the other side. But you have to overcome not only the pain of infidelity, but the issues that made that possible in the first place.

u/YourRoaring20s · 9 pointsr/Marriage

I'm not saying the chorus of "man up and move on" is wrong, but to add a different perspective: Have you ever wondered WHY you've felt so trapped, felt the need to escape, and felt the need to get married in the first place?

Oftentimes, I feel like feelings of dissatisfaction have more to do with what's happening internally rather than what's going on in a relationship. If there are some core issues with dissatisfaction that need to be worked out, you'll only bring those into your next relationship (if you pursue other relationships in the future). It's easy to run away from something, but much more difficult to run towards something.

Two things that might be worth doing before breaking the news to your wife, just so you can be sure of yourself:

  1. check out the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see if any of that resonates with you

  2. see a therapist to explore the drivers of your dissatisfaction to ensure it's your marriage and not something else going on.

    You may find that there are other ways to assert yourself and realize your need for freedom within your marriage. If not, you can at least be confident you've done your due diligence before disrupting your life.
u/tortus · 9 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck

I found this book really great on the subject: No More Mr Nice Guy

u/DoesNotMatterAnymore · 9 pointsr/confession

> have you tried therapy?

People tend to underestimate the power of sharing your deepest, darkest secrets with someone. It can be enormous amount of relief.

How the hell do you expect to solve your problems, when you can't even talk about them. A therapist can be great for that purpose.

P.S.: OP, read this book:

u/User-31f64a4e · 9 pointsr/MGTOW

> How did y’all learn how to start saying no ?

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. For the cheap, full text at

You are people pleasing, and need to be assertive.
This generally has to do with craving approval.

You need self approval. Perhaps by developing moral standards of behavior and judging yourself by those, instead of how happy people around you are, or how "well liked" you are.

As I have aged I have gotten much more disagreeable, in the sense of the big 5 personality model.
My attitude is very MGTOW - if you don't like me or how I behave, don't let the door hit you in the ass.
I know that I am a good person, because I know what my morality is and I know that I stick to it instead of caving due to weakness or craving or convenience. Since I know that I am good, idgaf if you think that or not.


Wisdom helps too.

I have learned from the Buddhists that graciously accepting gifts allows other people to exercise their generosity.
I have extended this. Accepting praise allows others to exercise their pro-social inclinations, and thus makes the world a better place. (Ditch public professions of modesty - just say thanks, but don't let it swell your head!)

In the same way, helping people can cripple the development of their self reliance.

Without consequences, growth will not occur. This is why fathers are much more important than mothers; rather than smother and protect they push the little ones out of the nest, just as much as the little ones can handle.

Why did she trust someone undependable? Why was she partying on her last nickle? (Being a cock tease to sponge free drinks?) Why is she even broke at all - no job, no budget, no limits on spending?

Here's what I learned in sales management, about the design of incentive programs: people do what you pay them for. Tie bonus to design wins, get a lot of low-volume junk designs. Tie incentives to volume, find salesmen tanking the price to get volume. It's actually quite a challenge to get right.

So you are incentivizing this chick to be irresponsible, by supporting that behavior.
Whatever you pay for, you will get more of!

u/_Bugsy_ · 9 pointsr/sex

Oh man, man, man. I've encountered so many, but it still surprises me when I run across someone who's going through exactly the same thing I went through. We always feel so alone, right? I lost my virginity at age 27. And not just my virginity, she was the first girl I slept with, cuddled, made out with, my first girlfriend, the whole deal. I wanted a girlfriend since before I was 8 years old, but I had a lot of issues that got in the way. I won't bore you with the details.

I can't offer any comfort except to say that I know exactly how you feel. I still deal with envy sometimes even now. I'll throw out the books that really put me on the right path, just in case you're looking for something to read. The Gifts of Imperfection, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Models. Models is the best how-to guide to dating I've read. The other two were necessary to get me to a place where I could put those lessons into practice. Take care of yourself. Sex might seem like a huge deal, but you are really doing fine. Everyone figures out different things at different times.

u/often_consistent · 9 pointsr/CPTSD

I'd imagine you've already seen this book, but I wanted to leave it as a resource for anyone who relates to your comment. I read it many times and it was incredibly valuable to me in helping make sense of having been my parents' rescuer. It's called, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.

u/jplewicke · 9 pointsr/slatestarcodex

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

  • Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.

  • Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.

    Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!
u/mechtonia · 9 pointsr/AskMenOver30

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The title may be a bit of a misnomer. The book is basically a guide for taking care of yourself so that you can be the best husband, friend, employee, etc.

u/two_off · 9 pointsr/vancouver

Do you work m-f 8-10 hours a day for your family, or for theirs?

You may not like it, but you know the answer. You've been a good landlord, but if it no longer makes financial sense for you to keep the place just to be a Nice Guy, then do what you need to do for your family and stop letting them take advantage of you.

u/kodozoku · 9 pointsr/seduction

Mandatory mention of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

If this 4chan copypasta resonates with you at all, read the damned book.

u/Carobu · 9 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if you're in pre-martial counseling, not getting along at all, and both have infidelity issues, why on Earth do you think this relationship is going to work at all?

If a person cheats once, they almost always do again, and if BOTH of you have cheated, odds are pretty damned good both of you will again. This relationship is toxic, and every time you two have sex, or masturbate to each other (likely more you than him at this point I suppose), you're blinding your logic with hormones and dopamine. Why on Earth would you expect that if you've repeatedly asked him to change, and work on his issues, and he never does, would you think it's ever going to turn out any difference? You're doing the same action over, and over, and over, and expecting a different result. That's insanity, literally.

If he wants to actually start showing progress that he's working through his issues, and you're both willing to accept each other as flawed individuals, perhaps things can work. But right now, you're both following a clearly cyclical pattern that is helping neither of you, and is detrimental to you both. You'll be bringing your child up in a world where neither parent is happy, and as a child, you'll be essentially both filling it's life with negativity and unhappiness, as a child is unable to differentiate his/her problems from that of their parents often.

Your value and worth are not determined by if your husband will fuck you, if you're in a relationship, if you can make your husband desire you. Your value and worth come from you and to A.) let him treat you like this, you're enabling the problem to continue, damaging your own self-worth as there's not healthy boundaries in your relationship and B.) Refuse to leave the relationship, you're staying in a toxic environment, filling yourself, AND him, with more of each other's venom. Both of you need to step back, get your heads on straight, and re-evaluate what the hell you want in a relationship, because right now, neither of you want what you have, and it sounds like both of you are just too scared to leave it.

Step back, revaluate, do not have sex, take some time to literally have no contact. Seriously, a week or two, probably more in all honesty, I'd say have no physical contact for like a month while he gets help, and you take a serious reality check on your life, your child’s, and what you need and want as a person.

Pickup this book, both of you, and read it:

You should probably also pickup in that break and read this: These two are by the same author, and have a lot of similar points, but I think it's important you understand how a healthy relationship works, and your husband, but while you're studying on this.

HE should take a look at this:

If each of you reads through, comprehends these, takes a break, and really looks at how the two of you have been acting, you might have a chance at patching things up. But as of right now, GET OUT. STOP what you're doing, and both of you clear your heads.

u/irinabv · 9 pointsr/Romania

Am inceput In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction de Gabor Maté. Nu se citeste repede, prin prisma povestilor de viata grele, dar este foarte frumoasa.

Am inceput documentarul de pe Netflix, Inside Bill's Brain: Decoding Bill Gates. Foarte fain, probabil si mai misto pentru un baiat, ca povesteste chestii tehnice. Dar ce vrea/a reusit sa faca in Africa , ca inovatie, este wow. M-a surprins si ca au existat universitati care nu i-au raspuns cand le-a cerut ajutorul, nici macar ca sa ii zica nu. Cum sa iti dea mail Bill Gates si tu sa nu raspunzi? Gets to show you, you can be ghosted no matter your status.

u/disbelief12 · 9 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

You are very welcome. I feel like I get the best perspective and ideas from reading this sub.

After I wrote that, I realized that I actually have a letter like this, though I didn't write it to myself. It was a letter to my Nmom that I started drafting while I was dealing with her extinction burst last summer. I don't know if you have read the book Toxic Parents, but there is a template in there for writing your parent a letter -- I believe it goes "This is what you did, this is how it made me feel, this is how it has affected my life, and this is what I need from you going forward." So I was following that format, and I went over every last thing she had done to me -- from the very small to the egregious. I got as far as the first 2 topics and started on the 3rd before I ran out of energy (and ultimately decided to send her a completely different letter to enforce my boundaries). But I stumbled across this letter a few weeks ago and holy crap did it really hit me how much she has done to me that is not okay. Like seriously not okay. And at the time I wrote it, I don't think I even fully grasped how not okay a lot of that stuff was.

Anyway, my point is just that I can understand the emotional impact of going back and reading a letter that lays bare all of the abusive behavior that you've experienced. It really does make me say 'fuck you' to her all over again.

Best wishes to you.

u/ReformedBelle · 8 pointsr/Christianmarriage

There's a lot going on here.

  1. Go to Amazon and order Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend immediately. I think you need this for both your relationship with your fiance and your parents.
  2. In the long term, pursue counseling. It does sound like there's a lot of enmeshment going on with your parents, particularly regarding finances. What your parents wanted was inappropriate on every level. These issues will affect your marriage. On top of that, you are trying to merge two religions. I hate to tell you this, but the religious issue will continue to pop up over the course of your life (ie baptizing your children RCC.) My father's family is Catholic. My mother's isn't. It's caused decades of drama. You and your fiance absolutely need counseling to get on the same page about religion and traditions. (Will you name your kid after a saint? How do you feel about them getting rosaries? First Communion, etc. ).
  3. Your fiance was very, very wrong to take Eucharist. In every Mass I've ever attended, the Priest has clearly said that only Catholics in good standing should take Communion. In your father's shoes, I would have freaked out as well. This is a widely known rule, so your husband owes your family a HUGE apology. My dad was baptized Catholic. Technically, he's allowed to take Eucharist. My grandmother recently passed away, and he still refused to take Communion at her funeral because he is not in good standing. This is a BIG deal and deeply offensive to your parents. (I'm a hardwired Calvinist, who has major disagreements with the Catholic Church, and I'm offended for your parents.)

    Regarding the elopement:

  4. Get married now and plan a ceremony later. You can either do a civil ceremony or have your pastor privately marry you if you want a religious service. This happens far more often than people realize for both civil and religious vows.

    People frequently get married legally because sometimes life logistics demand it. If your spouse is in the military, you need insurance, a lease is running, etc. A friend got married at the courthouse because the cruise she wanted to take for her honeymoon wasn't offered AFTER the wedding. She had a small ceremony with immediate family at the courthouse, they took their honeymoon and then they had a the big church wedding afterwards.

  5. Plan the closest wedding to your dream that the two of you can afford.

    There's no reason to limit yourself to an elopement. In your situation, I would avoid accepting any financial or in-kind assistance from your family. Pay for everything by yourselves. THEN, invite your parents as guests. If they don't have a hand in hosting the wedding, the message is clear that they are guests and expected to behave.

    You also have options for integrating both religions. You could ask a priest to offer a prayer or have a ceremony described here. You are limiting yourself when there's no reason to. Use your imagination and figure out a way to fulfill your dreams while following God's word and making an effort to respect your parents' faith.

  6. Reconciliation is possible with your family. This is not a one-time action but a long process. Your fiance needs to apologize and demonstrate respect for their religion. Next, the two of you need to get married and show your parents that you respect God's commandments. If they are upset about him not being Catholic, they can't be happy with you living together.

    Before pursuing reconciliation, start counseling. Get help in learning how to rebuild the relationship with healthy boundaries. This doesn't have to happen overnight. It's a long-term goal. However, you will regret not having a wedding to celebrate and not inviting your parents.
u/JustAnotherSurvivorZ · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

"I am firm in my decision to not expose him while my parents are alive. They will feel like they allowed it happened."

I'm going to say, as gently as I can, that you might want to rethink that choice. First of all, get to a good therapist who can support you through this. I know exactly what you're talking about and how, even though you're an adult, inside, you turn back into that child victim when you see him. The child victim in you is saying, "Don't tell mom and dad." Get to a good therapist and become that little girl's advocate. Become her voice. Become the adult woman who walks in the room with the perpetrator and is willing, able and ready to rat him out.

By all means, do not do any of this tomorrow, or next week. Get thyself to a therapist to run through all the repercussions of what could happen after you tell mom and dad. Get some great self-help books on what can happen when victims tell. "We read to know we're not alone." - C.S. Lewis. Books can be very helpful. Here's one author who has written extensively on childhood issues:

After you do all this work and research, you might still decide you don't want to tell them. That is still a valid choice. But if he is around a female child on a regular basis, a therapist can help you work through the moral imperative of telling. If he's around a female child(ren) often, the woman in you is going to feel compelled to tell in order to protect her.

These things can be done - the truth can be told - but one does have to become sturdy and strong enough to handle all the shit that will fly through the air when the truth is told.

Just know you're not alone, and most victims never tell anyone in the family. Then we, as a society, stupidly wonder why there's so many mental health issues in the land, and so many homeless people.

u/Hacksaw86 · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Yes, I spent a short time in therapy to deal with an emotionally abusive dad. It helped me really come to terms with the fact that bad people can be parents too. (That might sound like a silly realization but it really helped me, as I couldn't really grasp what I had done to deserve getting stuck with him as a father). A few books my therapist recommended helped too:

There's also /r/raisedbynarcissists, which might be a good place for you to talk to people who can understand what it's like to have an emotionally abusive parent.

u/RedPill-BlackLotus · 8 pointsr/asktrp

Always have to spoon feed this shit into you faggots.

When I say no I feel guilty

No more mister nice guy

I hope you have abbs.

u/it_is_not_the_spoon · 8 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

No More Mr. Nice Guy

It was the most important book for fixing my marriage and getting me out of the dead bedroom.

u/donniedarko76 · 8 pointsr/TrueChristian

It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic and used the message of grace to resume drinking . Alcoholics can be very abusive and sinful. Alcohol will eventually make him miserable and completely destroy him. I know first hand. I wouldn't envy him.

I'm sorry you lost relationship but it's better for your kids and you if he's not around. I would urge you get counseling or at least reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More. It's a book about taking care of yourself and dealing with people like your ex-husband. God loves you and will help you through this. Keep going to church and talk to your pastor.

u/breakeven_not · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes


I have the same problem as you. 5 awful relationships later I had 6 months living alone, only with myself and then I bought this book:

I managed to figure out why I was attracted to unstable men. And now I'm working on getting used to being with a good, considerate man.

I would share my story here, but it will make this comment too long. And this is not about me, it is about you. Talking about this with someone helps a lot. Contact me privately if you want to talk about it and share your experience and I'll share my own. But first, read that book. It will help you a lot.

u/littlerustle · 8 pointsr/marriedredpill

First off. Congratulations on some things.

  1. Introspection. Not enough people are able to step outside of their circumstances and make assements.
  2. Declaration of dissatisfaction. Many times people have a "bad taste" in their mouth about their life, but cannot see enough to say "This is bad, it must be fixed."
  3. Finding this sub. I have found that there are a number of good places on the Internet where people can find help. I believe this sub is one of them.
  4. Choosing to do something. Even posting here is doing something. That's great. Keep on doing.

    Now, things are going to get hard for you. Very hard. Or rather, very difficult. All of the things that you did or did not do in the past will pay dividends today. (For example: Did you learn your multiplication tables in the third grade? Good, that pays off today. Did you get a good career by going to college in a field which has a high degree of demand? Bad, that pays off today.

    This is a long post. Don't be offended at how long it is. Take it in pieces if you would like.

    > Brief background: Married: 1 year

    > Me: 23, bread winner.

    > Wife: 24, stay at home mom

    > Daughter: 3, special needs.

    What is the real breakdown of $$$, as a percentage, and who is it coming from?

    You are not the 100% breadwinner, as some of it is coming in via the SSI and child support.

    > My issues arose when I lost almost half my hours at work

    I'd suggest they arose well before that. This hour cutting is just the part that caused you to sit up and take notice.

    What is your degree? How has it left you in the hole WRT needing to have an hourly job?

    > for about 5 months (february to june). Cut from 30 hours to 18 a week.

    Some people would say, "Woo hoo, I went from having 30 hours available for my night classes per week to now having 42 hours available. I think from the rest of your post that you might not have done that.

    > Our daughters social security is what kept us afloat.

    Well, the SSI and the child support, right?

    > I lost all pride, all drive, and all feelings of adequacy.

    I'd like to know what your budget was prior to this hour cut that allowed you to have pride, drive, and feelings of adequacy.

    > So i picked up another job and did any and everything I could to keep my wife happy at the cost of my own happiness.

    Good. Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" ?

    > Lost SSI due to missing paperwork and havent made time to get it fixed so it's just been me making it happen.

    Be clear here, with yourself first, and your wife second. The two of you equally failed to perform the "Fill out the paperwork" task. Do not take 100% of the blame for this (unless your wife is illiterate, and you have to be the one to take that task all on your own).

    > The past month: She's been going out every other night or having people over every other day and of course I started feeling jealous.

    Some observations.

  5. She's been going out. (Therefore you have surplus $$$ in your budget. Are you putting 10% in your retirement? Are you giving 10% to charity?)
  6. She's been having people over. (Therefore she has extra time in her day. Therefore she isn't worried about $$$, or she'd be working on bettering herself via a better degree)
  7. You living life via the feels, not the data. ("I started feeling jealous" WTF?)
  8. You still not seeing the real problem. ("Of course" I started feeling jealous. There is no "of course" to it. Only those who are ruled by their emotions allow something external to them to move them. What should you have felt? Jealousy? If so, then fine, be jealous. Not jealousy? Then fine, don't be jealous. But there is no of course to it. You choose your actions. No one else.

    > I've been telling her that I want to hang out with her and spend time with her. But it never happened, either lack of time or money.

    Be clear with yourself. It never happened for one of two reasons.

  9. You didn't want it to happen.
  10. She didn't want it to happen.

    Consider that. Those are the only two reasons. There can be no other reasons. Then reflect on each of them, for 5 minutes each, separately. Write them on separate pieces of paper. "Why didn't I want to hang out with my wife?" "Why didn't my wife want to hang out with me?" Go for a walk in the back yard, put some "thinking music" on (I like Vivaldi), and consider those two questions. You will come up with answers that you don't like. That's OK.

    > Today: I wake up to a quiet home. In a zombie-like fashion I scan the bed for my phone to check the time and it is 2:27pm. I have work at 3. I noticed a text notification from my wife that says "I went out to eat. Didn't want to wake you. Have a good day."

    That was kind of her. (Take it at face value. Even if it was passive aggressive, and even if you don't like it, at face value, she did you a favor.)

    > To the typical man, that is a blessing. But for me, being a beta bitch, i got upset. Without any form of rational thinking or reason, i sent back "U serious?". She calls and we begin to talk. I started with my "Id like to hang out with you too" blah blah blah. I work 2 jobs. 14 hours when working both in a day so "im tired" is always at the helm whenever i don't feel like putting any effort towards anything.

    I don't think I believe you when you say "I'd like to hang out with you, too." Why? Words whisper, actions shout. Your words are saying, "I want to hang out." But your actions shout "I find other things more important than hanging out with you." Don't claim that I am saying something that I am not. I am not saying that you are choosing sleep over hanging out, and that this is bad. Again, I am not saying that. The only thing that I am saying is that your actions and your words do not match up.

    Take this moment to ask yourself, "Well, self, what do I really want, then? I would suggest that maybe you want someone to say "Oh, poor baby, your life is so hard, I'll gladly hang out with you and wipe your brow and make things better." But that's just a guess.

    > But at the end of that clearly one-sided argument she said "If you want to hang out with me, then make it happen. But dont you dare get mad when i get up and go without you because all you do is sleep". And i said "Fine".

    Awesome. Look at what just happened there. I think it's good that someone in your life is willing to honor you enough that they will tell you to see things as they are. You should thank her for not sugar coating that.

    > So I leave for work, clearly in a pissy mood,

    "Clearly", only if you are living via emotions. Don't do that.

    > when her words start to echo. It hit me that I need to get my shit together. I am way too dependant on her company, affection, and validation.

    That is great. I'm happy for you that you were able to come to a conclusion that things need to be changed.

    > She then texts me: "You didn't have money last night right? Why the hell would you get upset about today knowing you didn't have money today? You slept up till it was time to go to work? So why get get pissed about not doing stuff with me?"

    It almost sounds like she is the rational one here.

    > (Our group of friends went out to olive garden last night. I didnt have the money so I stayed home and she went with them)

    That's interesting. I'll explain more below.

    > And that just reiterated my previous thoughts. I had a clear moment of weakness that lasted damn near a year. But never again.


    > No more weakness, no more beta, no more of this pity party bullshit, no more jealousy or insecurities. Swallowing the red pill.


    Now that we have that out of the way...

  11. What does your budget look like?

    I suspect that the answer to that question is "We don't have one." Get one. Number one. You must have one. This is not an option. I have friends who use YNAB, , Mint, , Google sheets (search for templates), and envelopes. Yes, just envelopes, with just cash. It works. Do it. You and your wife will continue to have problems with your relationship and you won't be able to put a finger on it until your money is under control. At some point you mentioned that your wife gets to spend the extra $$$ that is left over for the child support. This is insane. Are you married, or Roommates With Benefits? I realize that this is not a budgeting subreddit, so get to one. You and your wife together. If she refuses to partner up with you with respect to the budgeting thing, then you have an MRP problem. Until then, you have a money problem. I suspect that she will refuse, since she likes to live beyond her means, and go out with her friends.

  12. What does your family income look like?

    I suspect you have a crappy job, since you talked about having your hours cut. What are you doing to fix this? If (and I reiterate, if) you are able to afford a stay at home mom (SAHM) situation, then you have to earn the appropriate amount for your family. I suspect your wife needs to get a job as well. You simply cannot afford a SAHM situation. Face it.

  13. What does your education look like?

    I suspect you don't have a college degree in a field with high desirability. Why not? Lack of effort? Lack of focus? Put all of that behind you, and figure something out. You might have 6-8 years of suck ahead of you, while you take night classes and earn a degree that will pay well. Too bad.

    None of these things are hard to do. "The only thing hard around here is your head" (said a random Drill Sergeant).

    Make a plan. Find a close friend to help you stick to it.

    You can do this. Many have before you.
u/psykocrime · 8 pointsr/relationship_advice

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.

> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

u/TheInkerman · 8 pointsr/funny
u/highmrk · 8 pointsr/MensLib

I recommend every single man on this planet to read it. It was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read and completely changed how I saw the world and myself. Sure, there's a few attributes that didn't quite fit for me, but on the few that did, I just paused and was absolutely shooketh.

If anyone here has even an inkling that they might have some Nice Guy tendencies, please please please buy it. You will not regret it. I wish I read this book when I was 18 or so, but what's done is done. I'm glad with where I'm at right now and that's partially due to this book. Read it.

Here, I even got the amazon link ready for you.

Edit: Oh and make sure you actually do the exercises that he asks you to do. Just like with Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends, it becomes pretty obvious when a reader actually follows the instructions as asked

u/SuperSecretAlt · 8 pointsr/AskReddit

You are not alone

I know exactly what you are going through. I am working through the exact same issue. I heavily used porn since i was about 12 or 13 and am now 32 and am proud to say i'm now at 4 weeks porn free. Your intuitions are 100% correct, living a double life in which you have to hide your "true self" from everybody wreaks havoc on you psychologically and emotionally.

I would strongly recommend you start with two books, the first is the Porn Trap and the second is Out of the Shadows. I would also suggest you find Sex Addicts Anonymous group near you and force yourself to go. The first week i went i chickened out in the parking lot and's hard, scary and embarrassing at first, but worth it.

You are not alone, you are not a bad person, you are not that unique, you just need help to get rid of your toxic shame around your sexuality.

If you would like any more information, or simply somebody to talk to, respond to me here and i would be happy to give you my phone number.

u/classical_hero · 7 pointsr/AskReddit

"I have this ability to kick hard drugs easily. The people I got addicted could not."

That's not really how addiction works. I'd recommend reading this book:

Or else listen to this short interview with the author:

And also read up on The Adverse Childhood Experience Study:

If you take the time to learn about the science of addiction, and not just how neurotransmitters work but the actual sociology of it, I think you will be much better able to come to terms with what happened.

u/ACOA-throwaway · 7 pointsr/AdultChildren

I am currently dealing with the same issue (along with a host of other things) since this January when I had an emotional break and realized that I need to deal with my ACoA issues.

I'm a 42M, married 14 years, with 2 kids....and I was essentially sleepwalking through my life...and behaving in ways that alienated almost everyone...and almost ended my marriage.

What changed things? Well first the realization that I have these issues and that it's not my fault that I'm this kind of fucked up....BUT it is my responsibility to do something about it. This book really helped me understand things:

Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

Second was finding the right therapist and going weekly. This cadence was right for me at the start.... Recently I'm down to every 2 weeks but we will see how long that keeps up for. She's great because she calls me out on bullshit and bad behaviour...and is a fantastic guide who helps me see things in a different perspective... Yet she still lets me learn my own lessons... Which is how you grow (you don't want someone that just tells you the answers).

Third was working really hard on undoing the conditioning that my childhood built in to me. I have been behaving this way for most of my life so the work is slow and endless but progress is incredibly rewarding.

In 7 months I have saved my marriage (literally... We were like roommates and not romantic partners at all...and it's not perfect but it's better than I can remember it ever being), I am learning to feel and process emotions.. which means I'm not a robot anymore (people used to call me Data (Star Trek TNG reference) in a loving way), and I'm a better father, husband, friend, and man...

All because I'm learning to be the authentic ME instead of pretending to be who I thought everyone else wanted/needed.

Don't get me wrong... There are really, really, crushingly difficult days where I wish I could go back to sleepwalking through life...and there are even harder days where the weight of the work I will have to do the rest of my life makes me seriously consider (for 1 second) "tapping out" and stepping in front of a train... But then I think about all those people that love and care about the "real" or "new" me...and I put my head down and keep doing the work.

Good luck and please reach out if you'd like to talk!

u/inglorious · 7 pointsr/serbia

Pa, psihicki problemi i poremecaji licnosti podrazumevaju iskrivljenu sliku o realnosti, ponekad i odvojenost od realnosti, kad su psihoze u pitanju. Ako bi ga odveo na lecenje od alkoholizma, sigurno ga ne bi proglasili za normalnog, zato sto se radi o strucnim ljudima koji znaju kako se alkoholicari ponasaju, a to sta on radi je uobicajeno ponasanje.

> Sa advokatima se ne bih zamajavao, jer mene imovina i kuca u kojoj zivimo, uopste ne interesuju (iako sam podstanar), s obzirom da me sve vise negativnih osecanja veze za to.

To svakako razumem, medjutim, cinjenica je da si ti naslednik te imovine i da te zbog ocevog ponasanja u buducnosti mogu sacekati problemi. Razmotri kako da se zastitis na vreme, pre nego sto te neki pravni problem bude sprecio da zapocnes svoj biznis ili tako nesto, jeftinije je tako i novcano i zivcano...

> I dalje ne shvatam zasto uopste i najmanje razmisljam o tome kako ce ziveti bez nas, jer znam da nece moci. Tacnije, majku bih odveo i ne bih joj ikada predlozio da se vrati, ali zato za sebe osecam da bih imao potrebu da ga obidjem makar jednom mesecno, iako bi to bila jako teska i mucna poseta, jer znam da bi mi nabijao na nos sve negativne stvari, jer to i sada radi kad dodjem vikendom. Bukvalno kako izadjem iz autobusa, pocne da mi prica sve negativne stvari koje su se desile.

Ti si obican covek, ispod te ljudskosti si jos obicnija zivotinja koja ima instinkte i jedan od bitnijih je instinkt za prezivljavanje. Nije uopste cudno sto ne razmisljas o njegovoj dobrobiti, zato sto si kao zivo bice, sisar, kicmenjak i covek uslovljen da sebe stavis na prvo mesto. Majku svakako odvedi ukoliko hoce da ide. Sto se poseta tice... Sta ti kazem, samo u dozi u kojoj mozes da podneses. Ne bi bilo lose da imas neki dil sa komsijama da te oni cimnu ako matori krene da pravi neko preveliko sranje i tako to.

Sto se tice same komunikacije sa njim. Izbegavaj da igras igru svadje. Ako krene da sere nesto, okreni se i idi i obavesti ga da to neces da trpis, pa nek on bira kako ce da se ponasa.

A taj osecaj kad izadjes iz busa, znam to, nisam imao alkosa u porodici, ali sam imao adekvatnu zamenu. Nije se nista sredilo dok nisam uzeo "loptu" u svoje ruke i uredio te stvari tako da meni odgovaraju, a nakon inicjalnog skripanja, skontali su i moji da je tako zivot jednostavniji.

Vidim da ti je neko vec predlozio terapiju kao opciju, da, bilo bi pametno de te pare koje bi njemu dao, potrosis na to da malo uredis sopstvenu glavu.

Takodje, kao i proslom liku koji je izneo ovakvu pricu (maltene u potpunosti identicnu, osim ako nisi to ti kojim slucajem), potrazi ove knjige, namenjene su pre svega tebi:

Jeste da ti je cale alkos, ali ima dosta saveta u ovoj drugoj knjizi koji su generalno primenjivi...

u/ToroDontTakeNoBull · 7 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

>"...a child who grows up to unconditionally love those who conditionally love them."

>>"It feels safe to be with selfish, self-centered people because they know what to do with those people"

I'm stunned. I had to stop the video several times to allow myself to process feel the memories that his words brought to my mind. Thank you for sharing this video.

I found his follow-up video on stages of codependency recovery to be very helpful as well

Has anyone read his book, Human Magnet Syndrome? I've seen it mentioned before but I haven't pulled the trigger on purchasing it yet. I'm rethinking that decision now though.

u/rhymeswithugme · 7 pointsr/AsianParentStories

I highly recommend you read a book called Toxic Parents. One story that resonated with me was this story about a women, raised by born again Christians, that got an abortion. She spent years and years trying to get her parents to accept her but one day she had to accept something herself. Her parents might love her but they did not know how to love her. To love someone, you can't just have the "feeling" of love. Your actions, your spoken words, your intentions, have to all be aligned. They can't just respect you whenever they feel like respecting you, that is not love. They can't say its for your own good and make you believe that when you don't. That is not love. It was very heart breaking for this women to finally come to conclusion that her, very own parents, can be verbally and emotionally abusive. And I am sorry to say your parents are emotionally abusive too. Mine was too. But the sooner we break away from them the sooner we can live our own lives. At 24, I still feel like a kid, mainly because I feel like I need my parents approval. I am getting better at being my own man every single day and the sooner you break away from them emotionally the sooner you will be happy. They will never change and its ok because that does not matter. You are your own person and you should not take what they say personally, it does not apply to you.

u/MoodyThursday · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I'm glad you've had that paradigm shift! For the longest time, I couldn't tell just how messed up the way my parents treated me was, until I got to see other people's opinions. I was so deep in the dysfunction, I couldn't see it.

Oh, and this book helped me a lot, btw.

u/Richelieu1622 · 7 pointsr/AskGayMen

Actually if he’s not meeting your needs and does nothing about it, that is taking you for granted. His feelings about his body image is not your concern b/c you are his partner not his therapist. If he’s sick, is he seeking help? If not then once again doing nothing is not the answer unless you’re OK with the status quo. Also, the notion that leaving a relationship is not a course of action is quite naive and dangerous. Sometimes you must quit for your own safety and health, mental and physical. I recommend this book b/c from the sounds of it you need to read it immediately. You are young so you have much to learn. Best of luck to you.

u/uniformdiscord · 7 pointsr/Codependency

This definitely speaks to me, I know the feeling you're talking about.

One thing I can suggest is trying to practice awareness. I can imagine right now when you're freaking out about him not texting you for 10 minutes, or whatever it is, you feel stupid or bad in addition to the anxiety you're feeling. You probably start beating yourself up for feeling the way you feel. Try not to do that. Rather, just allow yourself to feel what you feel, and observe it. Try to rest in it. "Hmmm, I'm incredibly anxious right now. Why am I anxious? I think it's because of my boyfriend not texting me (or whatever). Why is that causing me anxiety? I think I'm starting to imagine all kinds of dark scenarios like him cheating on me. I know that's probably not happening, and him not texting me is not a reasonable indication of that anyway. This anxiety is really about my own insecurities and need to control. Ok. Let's just let this go on for as long as it does, and observe it." That kind of thing.

Just remember that this particular behavior is only a symptom of your larger disfunction and unhealthy behavior towards relationships.

Are you religious, spiritual, or have a belief in any kind of higher power? If you have any sense of that, something that's really been helping me when I have reactions and unhealthy obsessions like this is to stop, recognize it, and then ask God (as I know Him) to come into that moment and feeling with me and to let me feel His love for me. I don't try to not feel it, I just accept it. I also don't beat myself up for feeling that way.

Some resources:

Codependents Anonymous website, a 12 step recovery program for people who want the ability to have healthy relationships with others.

Codependent No More, a great book.

Good luck!

Edit: don't know why that link isn't working...

u/Mamma_cita · 7 pointsr/BreakUps

Hey, it’s been 6 months for me and I recently started reading the book Women who love too much, the process of accepting I fit this book’s premise so well is painful, but acceptance will bring freedom and I am trying to heal so that I can learn from this pain. I highly recommend the book. Leaving you the link here: Women Who Love Too Much: When You...

u/jonredcorn · 7 pointsr/BPDlovedones

No. There is no point. Get far away before this ruins your life. Seriously! Then read the book codependent no more and learn to love yourself. You don't deserve someone who is defective. You deserve someone who cares for you as much as you care for them.

If you want to find out what sort of hell you would live in trying to make it work, read this book. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

And know that your life will be shit with them.

Please get away from them before you destroy your life for good.

u/snzman · 7 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Caregiver personalities are especially susceptible. If you think you have those inclinations, a great book is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life . It really made me think about the things I was doing to conitnue/enable/etc the bad parts of the relationship.

u/FullAmpleSally · 7 pointsr/The_Donald

I highly recommend this [book] (

It wont heal your pain, but it will make sure you're going in the right direction. It will change your life.

u/trrrrouble · 7 pointsr/Android

> Mostly at work & mostly around friends, I'm a meek person. In fact, you could say I take shit. Somebody gets sick, they call me to cover a shift. I virtually never say no. Stay late, I say yes. I'm usually non confrontational, unless someone/something gets under my skin. When someone does, eventually get under my skin? I sort of lose all my pent up frustration in one big hit.

Hey, I know this is unsolicited life advice, but you should read No More Mr Nice Guy ^torrent. Your description of your personality matches what's in that book 100%.

u/megatron37 · 7 pointsr/TheRedPill

Hello 29 year old version of me, from the 36 year old version of me. Since you're a reader of actual books, this should be pretty easy.

  1. Women judge others (both genders) based on clothing. Doesn't matter if it's fair or not, they just do. If you roll into a bar rocking UFC branded clothing, it's not going to work. I used the Details Guide to Style to up my style game.

  2. Books? My man. First: No More Mr. Nice Guy. You will be blown away at how he says that everything you've done with women is wrong. I realize you've said that you handed it to your therapist, but by the questions you're asking, you haven't started to live it yet. Second: Models by Mark Manson. There are other resources, but read those two first. Come back to Rational Male afterwards.

  3. Here's what I gather about online dating:
    Okcupid/Plentyoffish: free sites, lots of cheapos/weirdos. Probably decent for hookups.
    Match: Pay site, has a moderate "meat market" feel to it.
    Eharmony: the most expensive, best for meeting long term relationship material

  4. Hold off on having kids. Focus on you for a while.

  5. You were a lifelong feminist? How did that work out for you? TRP will help out a lot with this.

  6. Sorry, I have no idea what this question is asking.

  7. When you start feeling confident - believing in yourself, standing tall, not breaking eye contact - people will respect you.

  8. I banged a few substandard women to get it wet after my divorce. While it was great to spread the seed around (wear a condom), be forewarned - low quality, insecure women can be really hard to get rid of.

  9. Buying dinner is one thing - buying her jewelry and shit is another (don't do it.) PS - she should be offering to buy dinner/drinks every now and again. Take her up on it. If she never offers to pay for anything, she views you as a cash register, get rid of her.

  10. I'm not a fan of counseling myself, but live your life. I'm not sure how many hard-charging badass counselors there are out there but if you're not happy with his level of service, find another one.

    Overall Impressions/Recommendations:

  • You really seem intent on asking other dudes for permission/approval. I'm sorry that you didn't have a male role model, but you need to start doing things that YOU approve of, and make YOU happy. This is the essence of TRP.

  • Once your phase of crying/drinking/feeling sorry for yourself is over, take some time, and work on YOU. Improve yourself before you get out there.
  • Get your ass into a gym. Lifting weights will get your testosterone flowing, and get all of that shameful, feminist estrogen out of your system.
  • Get a hobby. I was feeling powerless after my divorce. In addition to weightlifting, I started martial arts lessons. All of the time I would spend by myself drinking beer and playing video games, I converted into weight training/martial arts time. It will turn you from a little whimpering beta into a bad motherfucker. Plus you'll have something to talk about on dates. No woman gives a fuck about how you beat level 35 of Knight's Quest 8.

    It's a lot to deal with at once, and I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy. But you know what? A year after I got divorced, I was banging women 8 years younger than my ex-wife. You can do this.

u/nomorerainonmyparade · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Look for reciprocity - any relationship, romantic or platonic, will have its gives and takes. There will be problems, but you should both be willing to work it out. I used to go from 0-100 in relationships and place unrealistic expectations on others. They're not mind readers, and a lot of them don't understand the aftermath of relationships with Ns.

It's normal to be paranoid, but there are people out there who legitimately want to help and be friends. They may just think that you need to hear that you are loved and supported. Some people use "love" flippantly, some don't. It's harder to wait and see where a relationship goes and much easier to cut and run, but running because you're afraid will kill some potentially good relationships.

Ns teach their children to fear others, to fear being known, because everything will be used against you. Healthy relationships are not like that, but you do need to figure out how to identify other people's boundaries and create your own. For me, if friends said "hey, you don't need to pay rent", I'd probably make the offer to pay or chip in every couple of months or so just to be sure, or say something like "if that changes, please let me know". Ns will never "treat others how you'd like to be treated", but others will, and that might be what your friends are doing. At the same time, be aware of manipulation through fear/guilt/obligation by friends. Some know they're doing it, some don't.

These helped me:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

u/FindingAlaska · 7 pointsr/MorbidReality

Can I recommend the book Boundaries for you.

u/TargetBoy · 7 pointsr/self

For an interesting read on this topic, there's a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" amazon that does a pretty thorough breakdown on the "Nice Guy" who never gets ahead and what they can do about it.

Turns out a lot of things that the "Nice Guys" do aren't very nice and are what are turning women off, not the need for "jerks".

u/_Molon_Labe_ · 7 pointsr/TheRedPill

Get a therapist. I don't say that in a negative way. I mean that the best person to help you identify and work through your issues, especially if you're the typical "nice guy," is a licensed therapist. Obviously, not all therapists are created equal, and not all are good for men.

If you're wanting some material for yourself to read, before you get to a therapist, there is:

No More Mr Nice Guy by DR Donald Glover - focus on identifying past issues and self improvement.

And the website of Dr Tara J Palmatier, Shrink4men - more focused on healing and recovery from relationships with women possessing a variety of social disorders.

Again, if you're really trying to work through some serious issues, you're going to walk to talk to a professional, that is aimed squarely at men. That cuts out probably 95% of female therapists, and about 60% of male therapists. If you have serious issues from your past that affect your behavior its really hard to self-diagnose, and self-treat, which is why most men deal with those issues through booze or drugs or women, or more commonly videogames and isolation.

u/Dhltnp · 7 pointsr/seduction

This is so far my to go list, no particulary order:

Body Language

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

No More Mr Nice Guy

The Flinch

The Blueprint Decoded

How to Win Friends & Influence People

The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them

These books/dvds/audiobooks are about self development and basic understanding of human behaviour, I honestly think everybody can benefit from this stuff.


Also find a good book about improving your voice, no idea here because I use one in german.

u/sethra007 · 7 pointsr/hoarding

FWIW, one of our former members highly recommends the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beatty. Co-dependence is often thought of from a substance abuse perspective, but in the anecdotal experience of others, some SOs of hoarders are co-dependents.

u/BPDRuins · 7 pointsr/BPDlovedones

It's partially just a process. It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, but when it's with a pwBPD it's especially challenging because the abuse leaves us with PTSD. We often get caught in a loop of trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I know that's the case for me.

Therapy definitely has helped me the most - but I understand it's not that simple for everyone. Definitely keep seeking your options. Do you have health insurance through an employer? I didn't realize that my employer actually pays for therapy - I thought I couldn't afford it either until I started actually looking into it.

My therapist emphasizes this the most: Even she was duped by my ex pwBPD (she saw him too). It took her over a year just to diagnose him, and then another whole year to realize that he was lying to and manipulating her. Try not to linger too much on self-flagellation, because sadly they are charming and many people fall for it. Just be glad you're out now and try to focus on the future.

In the meantime the things that helped me most outside of therapy were mindfulness and self-help books. Mindfulness through meditation will change your life, and it takes very little effort. It teaches you to be in the present and at peace, rather than ruminating or catastrophizing. As for self-help books, the ones I list below were instrumental in my healing process. They are a very good substitute for therapy until you can make that work. I recommend the books below in the order I have them listed.


  • Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg
  • Phone app called InsightTimer. Has tons of super helpful guided and non-guided meditations. Learning to sit with yourself and focus on your breath will help you be more calm in the moment and less obsessed with the hurts of your past.
  • Check out the song Hard Times by Gillian Welch. It just so happens to be the song I'm using to help cope on this particular day. "Hard times, ain't gonna ruleeeee my life."


  • How to Break your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern - Helps you accept that you've allowed people to mistreat you despite your best intentions. It helped me see my ex for who he really was, and planted the seed for starting a new pattern. Particularly good for us because a BPD relationship is literally addictive.
  • Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - not just anyone ends up in these relationships. You're more than likely codependent. Learn to assert boundaries and take care of yourself while still loving the people around you - whether that means keeping them in your life or not. This is essential in beginning to recover from these relationship because the skills you can learn will help you regain the self-esteem and trust you've lost in yourself.
  • The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. Lots of concepts you'll learn through meditation but applied to your thought process, not just your physiological response. I'm reading this now and it's helping me learn to stop ruminating.

    I hope you pursue all of these. Don't let yourself stay stuck; there is a life outside of what you're experiencing now.
u/NDoubleSide · 7 pointsr/NRelationships

My last relationship was not too unlike what you're describing - we were only dating and didn't have children, but a number of eerily similar patterns developed. This is my story:

When we first started dating, everything was awesome. We got along very well and saw eye-to-eye on many topics. But things started to degrade after we moved in together our second year together.

I, too, walked on eggshells around her. There were a number of times that she expected me to know what she wanted, apparently by reading her mind. She said she valued communication, but anytime I told her something she didn't want to hear, she would turn it around on me and somehow make it my fault. I would avoid confronting her about various behaviors that hurt me because I knew the ensuing argument would go nowhere, until we reached a critical mass and everything came out anyway. Things would be okay for a little while, but it wasn't long until the pattern repeated itself.

The way that I came to realize that she was abusive was by going to a therapist for depression and anxiety. In the process of talking with my therapist and reading some recommended books, I realized that she was abusive. A strange thing happened when I came to that realization - I felt relief. I knew that I couldn't make her happy, and that was through no fault of my own. I saw that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and that light wasn't a train coming to mow me down.

The five stages of grief can apply to anything that involves loss. They don't have to happen in order, and stages can be revisited. Loss can include the loss of the honeymoon phase, where everything seemed so wonderful. After our relationship had ended, I realized that I had spent about two of our three years together in the denial phase, with a smattering of guilty anger, bargaining, and a lot of depression.

One of the big flags to me towards the end of our relationship that something was wrong was that when she wasn't around, I'd feel like I needed to end our relationship, and that nothing good would come from us staying together, but when she was within arms' reach that everything felt like it was going to be okay and we could work things out. This duality shows that something isn't right - there are conflicting feelings at play about the same person depending on their proximity.

Now to address things that you brought up specifically:

An 8/10 matchup on the site you listed is pretty high. One of the major traits in a narcissist is manipulation. They behave in certain ways to get their desired response out of those around them. Silent treatment is manipulation - it hangs blame over your head, and tries to force you to interact with her. Threatening separation is manipulation - it tries to guilt you into staying in the relationship and that things can be worked out, keeping you within the reaches of the manipulator.

See also the asymmetric standard for handling issues - if she brings up an old issue with you, you're expected to be held responsible for it, but if you do the same to her, she dismisses it. This happened to me too. This is not how a healthy relationship should function.

We also had the work issue when we broke up. She had only worked on and off the last two years of our relationship, with nothing long-term lined up. Towards the end of our relationship, we had agreed to get separate apartments because we realized that she had become heavily financially dependent on me. She has, as far as I know, managed to support herself. It may seem cruel, but it is not your responsibility to ensure her well being should you decide to separate. I did more than I intended to by getting roped into helping her move out, and that was plenty.

As for finding out whether you are misdiagnosing the issue, there's not really a way to be sure. I'm not a therapist; I can't say for certain that she does or does not have NPD. The only thing you can do is gather evidence to convince yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt in either direction. You could go my route - go to a therapist that specializes in depression and anxiety and has some knowledge of working with couples and troubled relationships to get a professional opinion. Ultimately though, the decision is up to you.

Here are some resources that I used that you may find useful:

  • Parish Miller's Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers: While the title suggests that it's for mothers, it is easily generalized for narcissists of all providences. For instance, of the 24 traits listed, I was able to come up with many specific examples of her own behavior that embody 18 of those traits.
  • You will start the golden child and become the scapegoat (can't link this because of subreddit rules): This is the top post in this sub, and describes how a relationship that started off pleasant can descend into a painful and manipulative one.
  • Wikipedia page on emotional blackmail: This may not be as big of a factor for your relationship based on what you've shared, but this is the process of slowly getting you to do things in the relationship by foisting Fear onto you, forcing Obligations onto you, and Guilting you into doing what they want.
  • Wikipedia page on psychological abuse: This is worth a read through. Keep in mind that not everything applies, but a lot of it may sound familiar.
  • Wikipedia page on double binds: This is when someone openly make conflicting requirements that cannot be clarified. This sounds like what happened at the hibachi place - she said that she didn't want to change seats, but then blew up at you afterwards when you didn't, even though she perpetuated the situation herself. You couldn't know that's what she wanted because she didn't tell you, yet held you to an unspoken standard and used it against you.
  • The Boundaries book: This was the book that made me realize that we were absolutely in an unhealthy relationship. I found out that this helped my aunt out of an abusive relationship, and after telling my therapist about it, she recommended it to at least another five people/couples and said that it's been eye opening for all of them. The book itself is sprinkled with Christian biblical references, but if that bothers you I hear that there's a secular version out there as well. One of the main things that sticks with me is this table, titled the Summary of Boundary Problems:

    | | CAN'T SAY | CAN'T HEAR |
    | NO | The Compliant: Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can't set boundaries | The Controller: Aggressively or manipulatively violates the boundaries of others |
    | YES | The Nonresponsive: Sets boundaries against responsibility to love | The Avoidant: Sets boundaries against receiving care of others |
    In my case, our relationship was between a compliant (me) and a controller (her).

    These other resources may not be as useful for you, as they're about codependent relationships, which are a whole other can of worms we were dealing with, but I list them here for completeness:

  • Codependent No More: This is the popular go to book about codependency; where one or both people in a relationship become caretakers to the point of being destructive.
  • The New Codependency: This is a followup by the same author many years later. It is very apparent that she has a much better handle on her codependency and general coping methods in this book, whereas the first book reads more as an exploration in what codependency is. If you decide to read only one of these two, this is the one I recommend.

    Finally, I'll offer one piece of advice while you mull things over. Write things down somewhere. This should help you organize your thoughts and lay everything out before you to make a decision on how to move forward, whether that's with or without your partner. I have over five pages of notes from the above websites alone, and probably several pages worth of highlights in those books on my kindle. Putting pen to paper also helps you realize the magnitude of various behaviors since we, being human, can only hold so much in our heads at once. This can have the effect of minimizing things or blowing them out of proportion, so it helps to have something concrete in front of you.

    I don't mean for this to come off as a "delete Facebook, hit the gym, and lawyer up" response. I'm just trying to give you the tools to make your own decisions, and it's colored by my own experiences. Take it with a grain of salt, and forge your own path, whether or not that winds up being similar to mine. I wish you the best.
u/ComplexFUBAR · 7 pointsr/CPTSD

I went to a trauma therapist whose main focus was Somatic Experiencing. She said she was also trained for talk therapy but it was not her strength. Everytime I needed to talk about something she would always bring it back to the body sensations. I saw her almost weekly for a year. This helped my nervous system quite a bit. And provided me with a few coping tools regarding my nervous system.


At the same time I started to also see a traditional talk therapist. She was great at making me feel better during the sessions, but I never felt like any past stuff was getting resolved. I felt like I could just talk about my problems forever going round and round in circles.


I now see a trauma therapist who does Somatic Experiencing and talk therapy combined. She does bodywork on the table; brainspotting and her talk therapy is centered around the book [Facing Codependence] ( (Truth be told I was kinda annoyed when she asked me to read this when I first started with her. Like "but I'm not even codependent, can't we just focus on the developmental trauma?".) Turns out codependent doesn't exactly mean what I thought it was and I'm getting a lot out of the book and her style.


I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my Neurofeedback therapy as well. This calmed my brain activity down quite a bit. I no longer experience the "I'm constantly in life or death danger" feeling. Once my brain activity calmed down, my anxiety dropped and I was able to get good quality sleep at night. I started this in September and am still going.

u/Rikkety · 7 pointsr/AskMenOver30

You sound like the me of about a year ago. There's a lot of things I recognize from your post. I also felt like I failed at life. I disliked my job, felt like everyone was passing me by, I had anxiety issues, I had a hard time connecting with people, especially women, couldn't get motivated to do even basic stuff and was always worrying about what other people thought about me.

Now, I feel good about myself, I'm starting a dream job in 2 months, I enjoy talking to people (and they to me) , I'm more productive than I ever was, and I'm dating a pretty cool woman. I'm only a few years older that you are, but I hope I can help you find your path to a better life.

The first thing you need to realize is you are not failing in life. You are 27 and have many years ahead of you. You can make those years into a wonderful adventure. It'll take some hard work, but guess what: everything worthwhile does. So, maybe you need some extra time to figure out how to proceed in life.

You need to be true to yourself, stop worrying about other people, and learn to love yourself for who you are. Easier said than done, to be sure, but it's possible. I'm going to say a lot thing about the kind of person I think you are (or see yourself as), some of them may be wrong, but try to see the bigger picture. If it helps, just imagine I'm talking about myself instead of you.

> And I know this is not a competition.

You say that, but everything else you write in those two paragraphs (career and future) screams the opposite.
You need to ask yourself: what do you want to do? What would you like to achieve. These aren't easy questions, but I'll come back to those later. For now, just know that whatever everybody else is doing is totally irrelevant to your happiness, or at least, it should be. You don't owe anybody anything. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but you. There will always be people with better jobs, bigger brains and hotter girlfriends than you. That doesn't mean you are inferior, unless you define yourself by just those things.

So don't do that.

You seem like you derive most of your self-worth from external sources, meaning that if those external things (career, social status) take a turn for the worse, they affect your self images. You seem to need approval from other people to feel good about yourself, which causes you to act in ways you think others will approve of, instead of what you really want. You're measuring yourself against others, instead of against your own personal yardstick. You're hiding your personal needs and flaws because you're afraid other people will dislike, judge, or abandon you because of them. Right now the biggest thing standing in the way of your happiness is that deep down, you don't believe you deserve the life you want. You have a negative self-image and you're holding yourself back because of it. You have internalized these negative thought patterns for whatever reason, and you need to break out of them, because they are counter-productive.

You need to start believing that you are a person deserving of happiness, love and respect, despite your imperfections. You need to stop caring about other people's opinions and stand up for your own. You need to put your own needs and wants first, instead of catering to others.

You are responsible for your life and no one else's. That means both that you're the only one you need to answer to, and that you're the only one who can make you a happy person. That means figuring out who you want to be. Which, like I said, is not an easy question when you spent most of your life figuring out who "they" want you to be. But I assure you, it's worth it.

I apologize if I'm rambling (remember, I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you), but this is where my life changed. And it's still changing: it's a work in progress and I will probably never be completely done.

I would recommend you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. You can read the first few pages on Amazon; see if you recognize anything in it. (Or have a look at the web site.) If you do, torrent it, get it from in one of their billion promotions or better yet, buy a physical copy (that always works best for me). If you can't afford it, PM me and I'll send you a copy on my expense. It goes into a lot more detail on the issues I've only vaguely outlined above. It seems to me you are a textbook "Nice Guy". (Which is, in fact, anything but nice.) Glover outlines the symptoms of the Nice Guy syndrome, why these behaviors are counter-productive, and how to change the underlying thought patterns step by step.

To stop being a "Nice Guy" is not to become an asshole, by the way. In fact, you'll probably become a better, more honest and genuine person because of it. One caveat: it has some material about masculinity and femininity, which some people find a bit misogynistic as they feel it paints women as the Bad Guy (or Girl, I guess) behind this phenomenon. I didn't see it that way. I don't think resentment towards women is justified based on this issue.

This book literally helped change my life. I was also lucky enough to have some great friends who believed in me even when I didn't. A support system in crucial for successfully turning your life around, because you need people you can trust, who can pick you up when things don't go as smoothly as you hope. A few good friends is enough. Maybe siblings if you have any. Let them know what you're trying to do, and I'm sure they're willing to help. If you don't know anyone who could, hit me up and I'll support where I can.

Some other books that have helped transform into a new person the past year were "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane (helped with my social anxiety) and "The 7 habits of highly productive people" by Stephen Covey (helped with being an effective person and getting my priorities straight). These three share some common ground, as they all demand you reform your thought patterns in order to genuinely be yourself, before any real change can happen. I found they really complemented each other rather nicely for the particular rut I was in.

Some other tools that have helped me (that others have already mentioned as well) : exercise, meditation, keeping a journal, positive affirmations, talking to people I trust, hugs, playing music, asking for help when i needed it. Maybe these sound trivial, but I couldn't have done it without these factors.

I hope you read this far. If you have, let me know, even if you think I'm talking out my ass. I'd like to know what you think about it.

You can do it. You deserve to be happy. You have the power to change. You are an awesome person and it's time you show the world.

u/complyordie222 · 7 pointsr/TheRedPill

If you havnt already, definitely read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (

Sounds like you are on the right track but the key to everything is about balance, push the envelope out a little bit more each time to see where the push/pull sweet spot lies.

u/JackGetsIt · 7 pointsr/asktrp

Money: Watch this over and over, take notes and internalize the information. Read this. Live within your means.

Social Contacts: Fnordsnord covered it. Also read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Actually take notes, practice what you read and reread. Read this blog post.

Women: You're already on redpill so you're probably pretty set on knowledge there. Read this, this, and this anyway. Internalize, practice, reread.

Life: Two suggestions, 1) Your first reaction to things isn't always the right reaction. 2) Prepare to fail. Skipped a gym visit or missed a lift? Chump = give up. Man = you were prepared for this it doesn't phase you. You're back at it tomorrow. Narrow your life to a few important things and work daily on them. Don't overdo it just plod along. All the greatest achievements in life are done with steady hard work. Read this

Career: Every two-four weeks or so update your resume (keep two versions of your resume, a super long form with absolutely every reference, accomplishments, phone number, address, date, etc and a super short form single page one with all the highlights, make it pretty) and glance for either a higher paying job within your field or a higher status job. Always secure a new job before leaving an old one. If you're still in college or decide to go back, pick a career field that will be in demand when you graduate. Start applying while you are still in school. Read this.

Organization: buy a simple small 2 drawer filing cabinet and manilla folders, put important docs in there. Digitize super important docs. Clean it out every once in a while. Watch this.

Study habits/learning habits: I don't really have time to go into this in any detail but go to everyclass. Take comprehensive notes, ask a shit ton of questions, bounce new things you're learning off people and discuss it as much as possible. Find people that know the material better than you and spend time with them. Take those notes you wrote and get a piece of paper. Draw three columns. Right column is most important info that might be on test/eval, center column is that same info in short hand, left column is a visual representation of the information that might help you daisy chain memorize it. This is my own technique so PM if you'd like more clarification. Turn every assignment in no matter how poor the quality. Last but not least one more time prepare to fail. Talk to your boss or professor if you're slipping; our first impulse is to turn inward and blame yourself and not seek others to help because it looks weak. Like I said your first reaction/feeling isn't always the right one. Prepare to fail. Be antifragile. Good luck; you don't need it if you apply yourself, plan, and work diligently.

Edit: One last thing. Statistically you will live a long time. Think with your future self in mind everyday.

u/RazzleThemAll · 7 pointsr/relationships

[This] ( might help you make the first few steps that are so difficult

u/kalechipsyes · 7 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

You very clearly need a break.

You may end up facing charges if she chooses to file. That cannot be helped at this point.

But, none of this changes the fact that you got there through severe abuse, and need to get out. Let this be a wake-up call. Don't let yourself get driven to this point again.

Find some way to detach. Find an outlet for the anger. Find an outlet for the sadness, and someone to hear your story. Begin detaching the hooks she has in you and allow yourself to focus your life on finding peace, in whatever form it comes. Likely, you need NC if things are this bad.

You can take responsibility for something that you did that was wrong, while still also being the victim of something, yourself. That's allowed, and does not reduce either. Things are not black-and-white in the real world. But, you need to take responsibility for your own needs and feelings, and learn to fulfill them in a healthy way, if you are ever going to heal - that means getting the help that you need and breaking that drama triangle, even if that requires physically removing yourself from the situation.

Just remember, always:

You are, fundamentally, good.

(edit: added another link).

u/lisatlantic · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.

edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

u/ProjectDirectory · 6 pointsr/TrueOffMyChest
u/MakePeaceInThisPiece · 6 pointsr/RBNSpouses

This is my two cents. Take with a grain of salt. I am not a professional anything.

> If your family member is/becomes an alcoholic or addicted to drugs, do you just leave them be?

If that person is doing harm, HELL YES. Speaking as an addict in recovery, NO ONE CAN FIX AN ADDICT. It is completely down to the sick person to face the consequences of their actions and seek recovery if they choose. If you want to learn about detaching with love, seek out Codependent No More.

As for NPD in particular, empathy can't be learned. A person without empathy can learn pro-social behavior, but s/he will never be motivated by empathy. Unfortunately, his/her narcissism is rewarding his/her perfectly. S/he has no real motivation to change.

But that is all beside the point.


No one owes an N a year or two. No one owes an N him even an hour.

The pro-social behavior an N shows at the beginning of a relationship is bait. The N seems perfect because s/he is performing a role. Afterward s/he slowly begins to test how much harmful behavior his/her partner will tolerate. The N will only do more harm. The N will never return to his/her former "perfect" self.

In this way, someone who pursues a toxic relationship hoping to recapture the bliss of the first high is very like an addict.

That's all I know.

I hope you find what you're looking for, and I hope you find abundant peace and joy.

EDIT: Fixed link

u/seeds_of_change_TA · 6 pointsr/Divorce

> as time went on I became increasingly more depressed (not entirely his fault, genetically predisposed to depression here) and my sex drive took a dive

I thought I was pre-disposed to depression too. I was severely depressed and has extreme anxiety the last few years of our relationship. Now, 9-months post separation, I feel like myself for the first time in years. Your husband is making you depressed.

> The sex thing was REALLY hard on him, and made him feel unwanted

OMG, I dealt with this shit so much. He would do X, Y or Z shitty behavior to drive me away, causing me to avoid intimacy with him. Then I was made to be the bad guy - he made me feel so guilty, that I was emasculating him and making him feel unwanted and abandoned. In reality, he is the one who has abandoned you for his other relationship - the bottle (not to mention the other women). He abandons you, makes you feel like nothing, takes you for granted, cheats, drinks, and when you withdraw after all this rejection he makes YOU the bad guy. No.

> I wasn't ready to give up my entire life just because he made a mistake

He didn't make one mistake. He has made a series of mistakes and you keep forgiving him. He is pushing your boundaries further and further to see what he can get away with. He apologizes for mistakes then turns around and keeps doing it, and taking it one step further. To make things worse, he tries to turn it all around on you because of your lack of intimacy which all came about because of his inability to be a decent partner.


What is he actually doing to try? He has begrudgingly agreed to stop drinking for a short amount of time. He is being, as you say, "patient, tender, and understanding." About what?! He should be grovelling on his knees, in intensive therapy to address why he treats you like shit and takes your marriage for granted - all while YOU are showing patience, compassion, and understanding for HIM.

He's trying to blame everything on you, and you're letting him. This is not a judgment. My ex and I had the exact same dynamic for 15 years. Take it from me: let him go. Free yourself. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's so worth it. You must break your codependency, start demanding respect from others, and stop blaming yourself.

These two books helped me in my journey:

Codependent No More
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

u/The_Ersatz_Hatrack · 6 pointsr/cripplingalcoholism
u/VirginiaStepMonster · 6 pointsr/stepparents

Like /u/Goldenopal42here says, he thinks it's fine now because you obeyed. You capitulated to his unreasonable demands under duress and with a threat of him leaving. Of course it's fine, you fell in line and he got his way.

If you stay, this is your life for the rest of your life. You will obey his demands or he will have temper tantrums. He will not change. You will see random acts of kindness, but you will live in fear that if you do not toe the line every single day, he will lash out at you.

This is abuse.

If you want to be free from this cycle, you are going to need to take some serious steps. Your first step was coming here and asking for validation that you are not crazy. You aren't. And this is not your fault. None of it is.

Your next step needs to be educating yourself on the cycle of abuse and codependency. In addition to researching coercive control mentioned by Golden, please get yourself a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" and start reading. Also look into Codependent No More and related books.

When you are ready to go further, you may also wish to look into CoDA (codependents anonymous) and see if they have groups in your area.

I have been where you are, I know how frightening it is. Please, please, love yourself enough to start planning your life without this type of coercion and control and abuse.

u/BlunderLikeARicochet · 6 pointsr/keto

Please read this book: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Please. It's far more helpful than any short reddit comment.

u/sponge_cat · 6 pointsr/CPTSD

That is all really disgusting and horrible - I'm truly sorry you had to go through with that. My narcissistic and abusive father also had habits of walking around the house nude and crossing sexual/personal boundaries in really uncomfortable ways.

A term that might be useful to connect you to resources is "emotional incest" and/or "covert incest" - I'll link some articles below. The subject of the first interview, Kenneth Adams, wrote an excellent book on the topic that a lot of people consider a very definitive resource for people who have had these experiences.

u/Erilis000 · 6 pointsr/justneckbeardthings

Also see Robert A. Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

u/Chilling_Music · 6 pointsr/relationships

While it's easy for most to say that the relationship is over, and that she doesn't treat you well, etc, etc, I'm going to take a different approach.

You seem to put the blame on her a lot, which makes sense because all the problems appear to be stemming from her. However, many times one partner can become somewhat dysfunctional because they are actually responding to things that the other partner is doing, whether they know it or not (ie, you're doing something that's causing her to act the way she does). I know it seems weird, but it's more common than you think.

I highly recommend picking up this book. You might find it to be quite insightful, and you might be surprised to find that you may be the cause of your relationship problems and not her (not entirely at least). I know that it helped me figure out a lot of problems I had been causing in my last relationship (including a lack of sex). Unfortunately, that relationship was long gone by the time I figured out that I wasn't as good a boyfriend as I thought. Good luck.

u/riplox · 6 pointsr/atheism

"I can see validity in his points concerning how men in my generation are by and large more socially awkward and less forward..."

There is definite truth to this statement and if you would like some elucidation as to why that is, might I suggest you check out No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover? It's a good, enlightening read into the mentality of the quiet, sensitive, "nice guy".

Amazon link to the book: LINK

And if you don't feel like ordering it, there are two options if you know how to use Bittorrent.

Book in PDF Format


And one direct download of the book in PDF format.

PDF Direct Download

I've downloaded all of these and there are no viruses or malware attached to them. They're safe.


After watching the video you posted, I'd like to say a few things about his "sermon". It was absolutely terrible and I think he's making it even worse for the single guys in the long run, as this sort of talk is apt to have the opposite effect that's intended. Shy and sensitive guys tend to recoil from being told to man-up, stop being a milquetoast, etc. He's belittling and shaming them, calling them eunuchs and losers, and also perpetuating the idea that the initiation of the relationship is entirely on the guy, which puts even more pressure on them, especially since they're apprehensive about relationship initiation to begin with. His words are those of a bully (a passionate bully, but a bully nonetheless), not of someone who understands and sympathizes with his target audience. He's also shaming them for not finding a wife. Maybe they don't want to get married or whatever; it's not paramount that everyone marries.

Instead, I think he should have gone into how one should learn to appreciate and love, or at least like themselves before trying to find someone to be with, without being selfish or arrogant about it. The thing these "losers" need to develop is self confidence, assertiveness, and a sense of self-worth. That's where inner strength comes from. Abrasive speech won't accomplish that.

Most women don't like pansies, that is true, yet the church environment is just the kind of fertile environment to foster these kind of guys. It teaches them to credit an outside entity for their success instead of letting them feel accomplished for their achievements they did on their own. It also gets them to blind themselves to problems they may have that they can fix by conceding that something "wasn't meant to be". Or, it gets them to think there's something wrong with them when there isn't because they're trying to stick to the "word" or the "rules" or whatever. It's sickening to me how consciously and subconsciously manipulative it all is.

Now, the one thing I do agree on in his message is about asking her in person if possible, and not going to a movie for the first few dates, but that's about it.

I say all this because I'm what one would consider a "nice guy" and have a lot of self-esteem and confidence issues when it comes to initiating relationships. I'm only in my mid 20s, but I haven't been on a date in over a decade, just to give you an idea. So that's my impression of what he has to say from my point of view.

u/thewayipray · 6 pointsr/faimprovement

Disclaimer: I'm still on the journey but making small steps into the right direction and slowly start to see successes, i.e. mainly gains from the gym (4 kg up in 4 months, I'm underweight) and I get first dates (with my first second date about to happen soon :D) and slowly become less anxious.

Cutting out gaming alone won't do the trick, if you want to procrastinate you will find a way. Even if it is cleaning your apartment or room or whatever.

What I think I'm qualified to give advice on though is physical fitness:

Here is what I did: I've always been skinny and hated any kind of physical exertion and obviously dreaded PE class in school. Additionally I was bullied mostly by athletic guys which made me hate sports even more. And of course I didn't want to think about my body because of my weak body image.

At some point in school I just couldn't handle the mental pressure anymore. And became sort of addicted to exercise. Initially I had to force myself. Here's how I started:

I began by establishing a running routine: 3 km every 2 days. It was terrible. Headaches, joint pains, etc. But after about 2-3 months I began to notice improvements with my endurance. And eventually the headaches began to vanish completely and running became a joy. Then I got into weight training. I soon managed to build some muscle and my strength and happiness improved. I then moved away for university for an excessively difficult degree thus had to drop my exercise routine.

Long story short: I couldn't stand the pressure, dropped out, hit rock bottom, Got into a different university again last year and found out that I have to resolve my issues if I want to amount to anything in life.

In late January this year I became so incredibly frustrated that I just got back into the gym. Always pumping iron while blasting some quality music by Hatebreed. I now have gains again and am less angry, which really ups my motivation.

In March I also began to take a painfully close look at the roots of my personality. From what I can tell you are a Nice Guy. Mind the capital letters.

What I would recommend:

  1. Begin to run. BUT: as an overweight person you can damage a lot from bad technique so read this: Chi Running And just force yourself through it for a few weeks. Use it to procrastinate if nothing else does the trick.

  2. Do this alongside the running: Read No More Mr. Nice Guy I Just finished it and this thing is a revelation.

  3. If you have a history of bullying (which I assume)
    watch this: a word on bullying

  4. To deal with anxiety: Meditate. Download the app "Headspace" and do the free Take 10 exercises.
u/jb_trp · 6 pointsr/TheRedPill

This. Yes, this guy needs a lot of work on his inner and outer man. I’d like to piggyback on your comment with my advice as well.

  • Go full monk mode for a while. Maybe several months. Learn to take care of yourself. Eat clean, drink less, work out, read, meditate, etc. You need to learn to approve yourself and not seek the approval of others. This will only happen if you learn to take care of yourself. You can’t approve of yourself if you’re 80 lbs overweight. It won’t happen. But 80 lbs is doable, so lift and cardio. After you’ve gotten in decent shape, buy better clothes and groom yourself accordingly.
  • Do you have strong relationships with other men? Find some. Do you have hobbies and passions that you love? Find some. Maybe it’ll be MMA. Maybe rock climbing or backpacking. Your confidence will grow and you’ll learn to enjoy life and yourself a lot more.
  • Read TRP. Especially read any post that gets over 100 upvotes. As the community has grown, there have been more posts that really aren’t solid advice, so watch out. But you need to internalize TRP principles. Understanding SMV, abundance mentality, “nexting”, etc. will help your dating life immensely. A widow with an adopted child has a very low SMV and you dodged a bullet.
  • Read “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” All your texting and asking about plans reminds me of my old self (cringe). You were putting too much into things and trying to do things to seek her approval. Of course she lost interest. As a recovering Nice Guy myself, I can relate.
  • Don’t post on TRP for a while. Just read and listen. You’ll go through the phases… Anger, etc. Feel free to comment when it is beneficial. After a while you’ll get what I mean.

    Good luck, brother. I’m sure there is more advice, but I’m short on time. Anything else anyone would like to add?
u/joemacstevens · 6 pointsr/selfimprovement

No More Mr Nice Guy

It really helped me turn my life around and get more confidence, real confidence because it help me be okay with people not liking me.

u/BenzineBro · 6 pointsr/changemyview

The one thing that I want to touch on, this isn't a wholly original view, but I just want to give my experience.

There are things in life which we need to do, such as sleep. If we don't sleep, we become overworked and stressed causing our productivity to fall exponentially. The more work we put in, the less productive that work gets. Needing a work life balance is real. Unfortunately, it's something which most companies fail to grasp. The idea of time being proportional with productivity is so ingrained within our society that even when there are numerous studies and books which demonstrate that a happy worker is a productive worker companies are slow on the draw. If this were a high noon shootout, companies would have been dead before even firing the first round. That's how sluggish they are.

Now, some companies have begun to catch on and have been trying to use mindfulness to forcefully up the productivity of their workers with little success in some places. They don't understand that to make their workers happy, they need to give them good working conditions.

So, you can see how parenthood draws into this. Being a parent can be a fulfilling experience, at the very least it gives people purpose which helps them to become more productive. By making that job harder, those who want to have children pay a higher price to have them. That's just assuming that both genders get the same leave though, this isn't true of all places. In America, this is a bit of a gendered issue because men don't get nearly as much parental leave as women do, this is highly damaging to society for multiple reasons;

  1. Boys grow up without a strong masculine figure in their lives creating a whole generation of men feel abandoned by their fathers. (Reading if you're interested.)

  2. Women have the stress of having to rear a young child almost entirely on their own.

  3. Adds to men's isolation in society since they spend so much time at work that they can barely see their families.

    If the board of a company considers recent studies and gender dynamics they'll see that the system that is currently in place is not only unsustainable, it hurts their profits. They don't tap into the productivity that women have to give; men get depressed and lose productivity due to isolation and being rather overworked. It's counterproductive if not poison for society as a whole. The majority of the world understands this, America has having a really hard time keeping up for some reason.

    You'd think that businesses would be better at maximising profits. You might say "pah, you idealist. You don't know how the real world works" Indeed, some companies like google get it more right. Need I remind you that they're one of the biggest companies in the world? So big that it's actually a problem because they can easily shut down their competition by forcing them out of the market or by assimilating them? They also implement mindfulness, but they do it so make the lives of their employees better and not just so that they create a more productive employee which ends up happening in the process.

    So as you can see, Trump is so wrong. There's a tremendous business opportunity here, but he's too ignorant to capitalise on it. You'd think a big-shot millionaire would get it right. If he was so smart he'd make all of that money if it was taken away from him. Wrong. He's so dumb that a sack of fucking oranges has a better chance at a rags to riches story than he does.

    It's the number one rule of good business thinking: don't see an inconvinence, see an opportunity. If you don't understand that then you're not fit for profit.
u/koua · 6 pointsr/psychotherapy

Yes, for those that have addiction, abstaining from a substance can be the single hardest thing that they do in their life. It's a brain disease. Most throttle the line of difficulties relating to substances, and others are full-blown addicted. It's super complicated and there's a distinct difference.

I think coming from a place of genuine compassion is key. Many people that have this condition come to us having burned bridges, while also having those that don't trust or believe them anymore. In working with this population pretty exclusively, I have come to find that the commonality is simply creating a space where they can feel "normal" (I know that's all relative). Sometimes our sessions don't even focus on the substance, but relationship issues or maybe career difficulties, or home life/friends. It's all interrelated.

Good resources:

  2. Book:
u/xaco · 6 pointsr/IAmA

Thanks for this IAMA. I too am an ACOA, and did not realize or give credit to how much growing up in an alcoholic family affected me. Like it or not, it made me who I am. Since you haven't mentioned it, there is a book that gives a pretty good description of adult children and what their issues are likely to be. When my wife read it, her reaction was "Yikes! That's you!"

My family had very little chaos. No brawls, no lost jobs, no DUIs. We were all the silent type. We'd all sit down to dinner together, and after dinner, Mom would be in the kitchen drinking, Dad would be at his computer drinking, I'd go watch tv or play video games, and my sister would go out with friends. No one spoke to anyone, and certainly not about drinking.

My point is that alcoholics families come in all shapes and sizes, but the way it affects the kids is pretty consistent.

u/seanomenon · 6 pointsr/alcoholism

I'm very sorry to hear this sad story.

For him: he has to stop drinking entirely. He can't control it, he can't be a weekend drinker. The sooner he can accept this, the sooner he can turn his life around. It would be great if he can get into a rehab program of some kind. They can be very helpful for those who want to get better. If that isn't possible, then it would be a good idea to try a support group again. AA, Agnostic AA, SMART, there are others. (See the sidebar for links.) It is wise to "shop around" by trying different meetings, then returning to one's favorites. Even within traditional AA, the personality, format, level of religiousness can vary widely. I'm a big fan of Agnostic AA meetings, and I've found that gay-friendly meetings and meetings in non-religious spaces tend to be less religiously focused.

For you: (and your daughter, indirectly) It is a common pattern for the child of an alcoholic to end up with an alcoholic spouse. We tend to find these codependent relationships somehow familiar. You might appreciate the book Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz. It was a real eye-opener for me.

You may also find some help and support at AlAnon. It is a support group for family and loved ones of alcoholics. (Not to be confused with AA, which is for alcoholics themselves.) They can help you protect your sanity while you deal with the chaos of someone else's addiction. /r/AlAnon

FWIW, I think it is wise not to allow him to live with you while he is still drinking. His parents giving him a deadline/ultimatim may actually help him get sober. By refusing to continue enabling him, he may hit his rock bottom sooner, and make a lasting change. It's pretty much a textbook definition of "tough love".

I hope all my thoughts are some help. I'm wishing you the best.

u/Nthrowawayy · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My Nmom is exactly like yours, and I have used Gray Rocking to my benefit. Lots of, "Mmm-hmmm" "I see" "Maybe" answers (and then do whatever it is my way). If she gives me the high-horse response or I'm completely done with the conversation I will start saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I said I would think about it".

Your (and my) Nmom never cares to think what's on our minds because they know it all, and they know better than us. Our opinion doesn't matter, because we're wrong (from their point of view).

I'd like to suggest a book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward. One (maybe more than one, I can't remember) of her patient stories talks specifically about dealing with parents like ours.

u/QuillofNumenor · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Get yourself a copy of this book.

And this one.

They will change your life.

u/ARealRocketScientist · 6 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

It sounds like you should read this book.

From the way you have described, it sounds like you are in relationship were you are invested in making your lives better while your partner leeches a free ride off of you.

u/gijen3 · 6 pointsr/stepparents

Please get professional help! Also read this book:

u/Squishhh · 6 pointsr/relationships

I wish there were some easy words of encouragement to your situation, I really do. But failing that, I want to to put out to you a few things. I'm sorry this is so long, it's hard for me to be concise about this.

For some context:

You sound exactly like me a year ago, when when my ex and I were breaking up.

He was incredibly similar to yours, unable to apologise, accept any blame, and turning to alcohol to get away from our/his problems. Seeing me upset would make him angry, not sad or caring or protective or worried as one would expect from someone I've trusted my whole heart to. Disagreements constantly turned into arguments, because he always had to be right and was not at all open to hearing my side.

I cried nearly every night for months and I'm shocked neighbours never called the police, hearing our screaming matches and my cries for his attention and love. I have literally sat on my bathroom floor for hours, wailing at him to come hug me and tell me he loves me with the door open, while he sat 5 feet away at the desk playing a video game.

I've had nervous breakdowns, I've had exams that I did not sleep for 2 days before because we were up arguing all night. I've been called every name in the book, given the silent treatment and cold shoulder, and told to fuck off.

I've shared a tiny studio apartment with a man who could barely look at me. I finished an entire degree unable to talk to my partner about my thesis, because we would get into a huge argument about the basic definition of my field before we ever even got more specific (I studied it for years and yet could never convince him that my definition was more accurate than his).

I have threatened suicide to get his attention and drained my entire energy supply to try to make a chronically depressed, stubborn man happy. I thought I was "too difficult", that I was "irrationally emotional", that I wasn't doing enough of something or too much of another.

I tried desperately to be what he wanted me to be, but some sacrifices just became too big (for me, among a few other factors, the breaking point was when he asked me to give up my dream career opportunity to support him through an educational plan that he was making absolutely zero steps towards accomplishing).

Eventually, I had to admit what you just did - that he never really loved me. I'm not sure he knows what healthy love is supposed to look like, although I'm not even sure I do at this point. It was just endless circles of me needing the validation of his love and him withdrawing it further and further.

And yet, it's hard to break that cycle, because that had always been the relationship dynamic. I spent years trying to fit into the box he outlined for me and by the end, I was bursting through at every edge fighting my own mind and body on trying to become myself so that I could be what he wanted me to be instead.

This is what you need to remember when it gets difficult:

It was never on you to try to fix things, to bend to his every whim. That's what you tried to do, because you want to support him and be a good partner. Even in your email to him, you end by saying what you want for him, not what you want for yourself.

It's going to be a long and difficult road after this until you realise you don't owe him anything. You will probably get very angry with him once the sadness subsides. Then you might get angry at yourself when it hits you just how awfully he treated you. But the anger will subside too and what you'll have left is a whole lot of things you learned about yourself.

You mention feeling like you're losing yourself in this - you are, and living that way barely constitutes as a life. Eventually, you will discover who you were, are, and will be beyond this relationship that's defined you for too long.

Thoughts that help pull you through:

Reminding yourself that you two were meant to be equal partners, adults in a relationship. He was meant to meet you in the middle, not stay in his corner while you constantly tried to reach as far across to his side as you could to make up for his lack of movement.

He failed you and your relationship, because he is not a person who can have a healthy relationship. This is not something anyone but he can fix and even that will require therapy and time and effort that he may never be willing to put in. That is his problem and loss. It is not on you.

Also, keep talking to your friend. She sounds amazing and I never would have made it without mine to support me. Hopefully she can remind you to forget thoughts like
>I wish I could help him. I want him to see that he doesn't have to be alone & that he can be happy with someone.
whenever they start creeping back.

They are not the thoughts of healthy good wishes for an ex, they're the thoughts of someone too emotionally beaten and exhausted to put herself first.

You are also NOT "irrational" or "crazy" or "too emotional". Any of those phrases are just brushing your feelings aside and implying that his thoughts and views are superior to yours. That was a really difficult one for me to grasp and I hope you're able to come to understand that you are not irrational. Just because you disagree with him or he hurts you and he doesn't see why it hurts doesn't make you irrational, it just makes him unable to empathise or consider your view as equal to his.

Much of what he is doing (esp re: arguing instead of discussing disagreements, giving you the cold shoulder to guilt you, saying vile things to try to break you) is emotional abuse. I know the term sucks to see applied to your own situation, but it is. He is an abuser. And it doesn't matter in the slightest how he got that way, there are no excuses for that.

You're doing the right thing by leaving him.

I would recommend getting your hands on the book Women Who Love Too Much as soon as possible. I only read it recently, but it has already changed my outlook on the relationship that still haunted me even though it was over long ago (and also on how I approach romantic love in general). It's just a starting point, but a very helpful one to reframe your relationship in your mind and put it into a healthy context that finally puts your experience at the centre. Incidentally and not surprisingly, it seems many children of alcoholics end up "loving too much" (the book discusses this a lot).

I know I wasn't very specific with my details in this post, but I was just trying to get across that you are not alone feeling this way, going through this, and having these conflicting experiences and emotions.

If you ever feel the need to just blurt everything out to someone completely removed from the situation, feel free to pm me. I'm happy to share my experience, help you tease out yours, talk through your options for getting away, or just listen silently.

Either way, best of luck, you're making a great decision for future you.

Very important final note: you are not admitting "defeat" by this, you are actually claiming victory here. I'm sure it's difficult to stop trying after so long of doing nothing but. But you are doing what is right for you and finally taking care of yourself first, which is a habit you will need to cultivate to recover and move on to a healthy, happy life.

u/DreamHappy · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

According to what I have read; if you do nothing the relationship will run its course in 11 years... mine lasted 12. This would be my formula without any background info from you.

  1. Read Stop Caretaking.

  2. Practice "Stop Caretaking" and start getting your life back and enjoy things you like to do.

  3. Slowly work her into therapy. (You both will need it as you start reclaiming some of your life back.)

  4. Decide if you have a future, after a year.

    I wish you the best of luck. More answers will come as you go down the path.
u/GETitOFFmeNOW · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Isn't there a really good book about boundaries out there? Damn, what's it called? Oh here it is.

u/aloysiusxl · 6 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

I feel you. I dated a narcissist for a year before I realized what was going on. I beat myself up a lot about it. But put the blame where the blame is due! On him!

Don’t blame yourself for being an empathetic person and naïve to narcissism. It’s hard to recognize some narcissists. Mine was the handsome charming type and he duped a lot of smart women! He actually just married a very sweet, very beautiful local model with two kids. I feel so sorry for her. But thank God it’s not me. My point is that you’re not stupid for having spent time with him! These narcissistic men know exactly what to do to hook a woman in. They don’t act that way in the beginning or you would never go out with them!

I highly, highly recommend this book. It really helped me understand what happened in our relationship and get over it.

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

u/BonkersVonFeline · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Here's a recent post about not loving our N parents that might help show you that you are not the only one who feels this way. I HATED my mother growing up. She was and still is a very unloving, brutal person. Why would I love her? The guilt is probably just societal programming, where not loving and honoring your parents is blasphemous. But if you look at it logically, it makes total sense why we feel this way. How would a dog react to being hit every time it came close to you? Would it love you and try to be affectionate with you? NO. It would probably cower in fear around you or any person, and would snap and attack. Why should we hold ourselves to a different standard than we would any other animal? You get what you give, and what have they given us?

If I were you, I would emancipate myself entirely and ASAP. This is close to what I did. Right at 18, I moved hours away and mostly paid almost all my own bills. My parents really didn't support me too much. I think my mother took out one small school loan and my dad sent me $100 a month, but I could have easily survived without that. I removed ALL ties with them as quickly as I could, because they used anything for manipulation. This really isn't too hard to do.

If you can't do that right now, it sounds like you're detaching emotionally which is good. Maybe you can just keep to yourself and try to survive until you get some physical distance from them. Don't engage them in any way. Only interact with them when you HAVE to. If they hassle you, maybe you can just agree (in principle or even just to placate them) and exit the situation ("yep you're probably right about that, OK gotta go!"). But DO try to get out ASAP. Don't jump into another shitty situation though. See if you can find a female roommate you can stand living with. I wouldn't move in with your boyfriend or another male just out of desperation because I find this usually ends BADLY. But obviously this is up to you. Try to find a place that's SAFE for you and don't just jump from one shitty situation to another.

Then as far as rebuilding your self-esteem, for me I had to get into therapy. If you can do this it could save your life. If that isn't possible, here are a list of cheap books that have helped me immensely (which I recommend reading and working through with or without therapy):

  • Feeling Good and Ten Days To Self-Esteem by David Burns
  • The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
  • Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (I don't agree with her recommendation on confronting your parents but the rest is good.)

    I believe there are a list of resources including a full list of books on the right sidebar too. If you don't like any of these resources, you can ALWAYS find something that will appeal to you if you keep working at it. There is SO much out there for us if we keep at it. Be sure to take breaks too. This work can be exhausting.

    If you can get into Al-Anon that might help too. I personally don't care for 12-step programs, but many people seemed to have been helped by them and Al-Anon is specifically recommended by many books. They say it's for people who have dealt with alcoholics and drug addicts, but I tell you I went to six meetings like they recommend, and it's NO DIFFERENT for those of us who have dealt with narcissism. I've read that all alcoholics are narcissists, so maybe that's why it was so relevant to me. One slogan I picked up that helped a lot is "You Didn't Cause It. You Can't Control It. You Can't Cure It." We didn't cause our parents to be the way that they are, we can't control it (no amount of letter writing, talking, setting boundaries, etc.) and there is nothing we can do to change them. The literature is pretty dismal when it comes to curing narcissism anyway (NPD). Either way, they'd have to want to get help and help themselves, which rarely ever happens. So we have to focus on ourselves and forget about helping them - this is not selfish! We were often groomed to take care of them and our feelings, wants and needs were completely inconsequential. We were just extensions of them. This is probably why it feels so selfish at first to start taking care of ourselves.

    >I'm currently depressed and see no good in life.

    I've been working at this for a LONG time and still feel this way sometimes. I think it's partly due to growing up where "you lose" is the name of the game. Getting your needs met is completely hopeless with N parents, so perhaps that feeling of hopelessness extends to all of life. Plus, hopelessness is a classic symptom of depression. If you feel hopeless, just know that it doesn't mean it's true. Feelings are NOT facts.

    Aside from my other recommendations, I would continue to come here and post and read all that you can read. Claw your way out of this bullshit if you have to. Journaling helps. Get a secure journal NO ONE ELSE will read and just free flow write your thoughts down. If you're feeling terrible, give your feelings a voice. It's like draining the poison from you. Plus if you're doing the work out of Feeling Good, you'll need a good journal to write in daily. My first therapist recommended this for YEARS and I never did it, but I tell it just free flow writing out shit does seem to help tremendously. If you have a Mac, you can use MacJournal, or for Windows there is "The Journal", both of which you can encrypt and password protect. If you want to just write on paper or if you already do just make sure you hide it well.

    The other night I had a bout of terrible depression and you would not BELIEVE the shit that I wrote down about myself ("you're a piece of shit!!!" and stuff like that). I wrote until I just felt "deflated", like I had drained myself. It helped a LOT. I then realized that I hadn't been doing several things for myself that I know have helped in the past, and I have rededicated myself to doing these things daily. Many of these actions I have recommended to you here.

    Hope this helps even in the slightest and good luck to you.
u/bunnylover726 · 6 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

> I don't even know where to continue.

I think I can give you a few places to start. First off, what your mom was doing to you is sometimes called "emotional incest". I've found in my personal experience that having a name for my parents' dysfunctional behavior helps me to realize that I'm not the crazy one, it helps me to find resources, and it helps me to heal. If you Google "emotional incest" as your search term, you'll find a lot to look at. There are also a few books out there about the topic, but I haven't gotten around to reading them yet and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving recommendations for something I haven't read myself.

Unfortunately, most of the writing I've found on it assumes that it's an opposite sex parent/child, but I think that my mother also forced emotionally incestuous relationships on children of different genders. You're not alone. She used me (female) as her main emotional support for years, but not to the same extent as your mom. Then when I up and left, she switched to targeting my brother. It's tough to talk about and I can understand why you'd feel extra crazy because of it, but you're not. I think that my mother's demented emotional usage of me in addition to other factors harmed my ability to connect to other women for a while.

> She constantly called me a lesbian because during these years, I didn't date or have a boyfriend. I want to vomit thinking about this now, because it makes me think she considered her behavior towards me romantic.

You might also want to use the search term "covert incest"- you'll find info that way too. I think your mother was ashamed of her behavior and was projecting her shame onto you.

The website I linked to above, is a very useful resource for learning more about dysfunctional family behaviors. A commenter elsewhere in this thread recommended Adult Children of Alcoholics, and in addition to a local chapter, you should follow their subreddit. It's over at /r/AdultChildren.

If you want a good book recommendation, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward talks about emotionally abusive parents, and she devotes a whole chapter specifically to the struggles of children with alcoholic parents. It is an old enough and popular enough book that you should be able to find it in local library, from a used bookstore, or off a site like thrift books to save you some money. It's a great book to read at the beginning of your healing journey.

The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd ed by Jasmin Lee Cori is worth looking for. It is broken into little chunks that make it easier to work through the book without getting emotionally exhausted. It is also packed with journal exercises that you can work on at your own pace. It talks about good mothers, neglectful mothers, and abusive mothers. It compares them, and it offers help for us to mother ourselves, to move forward, and to heal. A lot of books about abusive parents focus a lot on the parent. This book focuses more on us and the path forwards towards healing.

And finally, for a very unusual book recommendation- It's Never Too Late for a Happy Childhood by Claudia Black, the founder of ACOA. It's a picture book. The first time I read it, I cried, because it's full of affirmations for someone who was abused as a child. I have a hard time doing self-affirmations. I feel silly and have trouble finding words to tell myself that I'm a worthwhile human being. This book does it for you- just sit with it, read it slowly, and try to internalize all it has to say. It helps, and it's worth obtaining a copy to own and keep on your shelf for rough days.

I hope that wasn't too much of an info dump, but you mentioned getting a degree in psychology and you seem like a very self-aware and introspective person who would be interested in that. I just wanted to also thank you- you're the first woman I've heard from who was also tangled up in an emotionally incestuous situation with her mother. We deserved better.

u/violentnewbreed · 6 pointsr/exmuslim

You should read this book. It will explain your internalized misplaced guilt. It's not your fault.

u/SunTzuWarmaster · 6 pointsr/personalfinance

So lemme get this straight, friend:

1 - Mother, father, and sister do not work. This video clip is a joke, but it seems like it might reflect the situation. Not sure on the sister's age, but I'm presuming she is of working age. Just out of curiosity, what do they do all day?

2 - Your dad gambled away all your family's money, your mom left him, and then you cleaned up the mess.

3 - You send your mom money because... "she can't maintain herself", you send your sister money because ... ???, and you send your dad money because... your family guilted you into it? After you cleared his gambling debts?

4 - You make $70K/year in WA, which is to say, "median salary". You aren't rich, or have a particularly high income for the area. Median salary in most states is "enough to support a family", which, in most cases, is your own.

5 - This doesn't particularly leave you with enough resources when considering the budget:

1800 rent, 500 car, 500 groceries (very high), misc 100, saving 500, 1300 mom/sis, 500 dad = 5200. Notable omission of "bills". It is an inevitability that you will have an emergency (new tires for the car will run ya $800 nowadays), and your emergency saving isn't particularly enough to cover it (I budget $120/month/car in repairs alone, and do them myself the majority of the time).


Would you give a drink to an alcoholic? Does it help them? This is what you are doing to your dad. This is probably what you are doing for your mom/sister.


Don't get me wrong, I'm all for supporting family. That said, here is a prescriptive fix:


1 - I am willing to support you, as a $1-for-$1 match on whatever you earn, up to one half of the current subsidy, starting next month. If mom/sister can figure out a way to earn $650/month combined, this will be equal. If they can earn $1300/month, then their total situation will be improved to $1950/month. Note that this is a total of 32.5 hours per month at $10/hour. This is a laughably low level of work. As an example, in my city, "taking money and handing out tickets" for a special event pays $11. I found this job inside of 30 seconds on craigslist. They are hiring for 11 positions for a job today. Finding "any job will do" work is trivial. You should be able to bang out $100/day pretty easily in garbage-short-term work if they are in America.

2 - Dad - same offer.

--- Note - this cuts your obligation in half. This is a "stop the bleeding" fix which frees up enough space in the budget so that a lay-off doesn't sink you.

--- Note - My family went through some stuff with my step-brother (he went to jail). They attached all kinds of strings to the money, which included if you live here, you have to do this list of chores daily, work out every day, read a book for 30 minutes each day, be showered by 7am, fill out one job application every day, etc. You are allowed to slip up 3 times per week, but the 4th occasion puts you on the street. "I would be better off if I lived at a homeless shelter, they wouldn't make me do all this shit" "That is a choice that you are free to make". The basic theme of the strings was "living here sucks and has all kinds of bullshit-but-good-for-you rules - if you moved out your life would be better".

--- Additional note - this should get the family off your back. You have a pretty easy defense to the "look at your poor mother, she is living in poverty" thing. You say "I am willing to double whatever money she makes for herself. If she makes $0, then that is her choice".

3 - LEARN THE WORD "NO". Just, Jesus Christ dude. My family wanted me to support my fathers' gambling habit - so I did? Grow a backbone.

--- Note - Additionally, I would like you to say some other words, like "if you do not think that I am providing adequate support, I would welcome your help in assisting them", and "I am supporting them".

4 - Put timelines on it. "12 months from now, this is getting cut to $0". You need a way that you aren't in this situation forever.

- Note - this is the long-term fix.

u/EatSleepCodeCycle · 5 pointsr/financialindependence

My three rules, they don't have to be yours but they work for me:

  1. I don't loan money. Whenever money is given, it is a gift. I do not expect to see it again and I don't want to see it again.
  2. If the underlying cause of money problems is immaturity and misbehavior, like taking a vacation instead of paying rent, the only possible way they're getting money is if we address the misbehavior first. I am completely within my rights to do this because it's my money.
  3. If the person is truly down on their luck, I am extremely excited to give. It is one of the reasons I want to make money, to help people that need it. If I am not giving anonymously, I will also provide emotional support, and want to make sure the person in need is truly taken care of.

    Also, I hope this is useful:

    I'm hearing that this is a major boundary violation. Healthy boundaries are the foundation for healthy relationships. Please, please, please go read this book: "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life", Henry Cloud

    Something I heard that I love: "No is a complete sentence." If you don't want to do something, you are completely within your rights to just say No. It's your money. At that point, if the person in question goes on to guilt trip, get mad at you, blame you, persecute you, play the victim, or get exceptionally needy or clingy, you have a boundaries issue.
u/otitropanit · 5 pointsr/AlAnon

Get this book: Codependent No More

This will serve as a warning for what you might go through, and help you to avoid codependent behavior before you start it. I displayed codependent behavior with my addict for a full 2 years before I knew what it was. I just thought I was going crazy! This book was a lifesaver.

I'm so sorry that this is happening.

u/BackroomBiscuit · 5 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Have you checked out [Codependent no more]
( It may be what you are looking for.

u/direwolfed · 5 pointsr/relationships

IMO, when someone is acting out with anger they are actually manipulating those around them with the "survival tools" that they learned at a young age. Like a 5 year old screaming for what they want till they get it. Your parents are responsible for the nature of the relationship that they have with your sister. There is nothing you can do about Brandi if she is set in her ways and always reacts like a self centered adult screaming for control.

I think that the solution is in telling you parents to stop treating her like a child and more as an adult. She is 21 and the nurturing stage of parenting is done. They are now causing harm rather then helping her for the real world. Do not sit and listen to what your parents complain. Rather, let them know that they are allowing this in their lives (do it lovingly of coarse). You might even want to buy them this book, it has helped me set my own boundaries and learn to nurture my relationships in a healthy constructive manner. Giving me the courage to allow the ones I love to grow on their own while remaining loving and supportive without hurting myself.

u/MagicalVagina · 5 pointsr/MadeMeSmile

Stop loving her. What she did is awful.

If I can recommend a book, try to read Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change . It works for men too (a lot of men actually read it).
It's a life changing book.

u/pubgandbaseball · 5 pointsr/NoFap

Take the “try to stop global warming” approach. Worst case scenario, the earth is a little cleaner but nothing else changed, best case scenario, the earth is cleaner AND we’ve averted disaster.

In other words - go with being the best version of yourself - worst case scenario, you are living a richer and more fulfilling life, but still no girlfriend. Best case scenario, you are living a richer and more fulfilling life and you’ve got a girlfriend. More on this approach here:

Being the best version of what woman want is the path to ruin for you and your relationship. There is a whole book written about this, where guys try to be the person they think women want in order to get what they want, and what the consequences are - .

Also, big girls are awesome- don’t hate.

u/st3roids · 5 pointsr/AskMen

no more mr nice guy from Robert A. Glover or get it form torrent .

u/rrroqitsci · 5 pointsr/exredpill

Ok, it’s good to know your world view is not toxic, it’s just a million other guys your age!

You, and a million other guys (like me) ran through a very common scenario for all us. That is because you suffer from Nice Guy Syndrome. Yes, that’s a thing. I recommend you get Dr. Robert Glover’s book Mo More Mr. Nice Guy which explains everything. It’s a must read for young guys.

For you specifically, here’s the tl;dr on what you did wrong:

  1. you made your happiness dependent on somebody else; never do that; always build a cool life for yourself (hobbies, events, etc) first

  2. you were inauthentic and even dishonest with her; you had a “covert contract” with her to be there for you and turn it into a relationship; she had no idea of that

  3. you didn’t get what you wanted, so you had a (very common) emotional breakdown and “victim puked” your emotions on her; that’s not vulnerability, that’s scary to people.

    Hey, you’re young and you have plenty of time to get things straight. Plus there is a boatload of good resources out there for you; I didn’t have that back when I was going thru the same stuff as you.

    I also suggest you listen to current episodes of both The Art of Charm podcast and the Jordan Harbinger Podcast. Both are independently doing episodes on authenticity and vulnerability right about now (October 2018).

u/weaponoutfitters · 5 pointsr/aznidentity

I was reading this book after hearing about it on a podcast, and it would seem VERY relevant to the examples above.

As I was reading this book, I recognized some of my old behaviors that I learned to shed in my 20s. Having positive male mentors and role models really helped to.

The connecting factors of these guys is that they're all really passive, permission seeking and aren't attuned to even their own desires and dreams. They have to decide to wake from that slumber, themselves.

u/Astartes_Pius · 5 pointsr/Stoicism

You gave up your masculinity/dreams/life for the sake of the role of the Savior. You tore off your balls and throw them out of the window. I don't think any woman want a guy without balls.(Regardless what they are saying...)

Your trip to the Hospital clearly showed that She did not care about you. It is compatible with her imperfect humanity, so you should not take this as a personal offense. BUT this behavior has no place in any healthy relationship. You should be glad, that you are alive and released from this highly toxic relationship. Next time be a little bit more aware of your partner's capability of maintaining a healthy adult relationship, do not wait for a heart attack...

You want a healthy relationship ==> You and your partner should be healthy.

Your problem has little to do with Stoicism, but it seems to me that you suffer in the typical "Nice-Guy Syndrome". I recommend to check this book:

u/cow_soul_train · 5 pointsr/selfhelp

Assuming your male...No More Mr. Nice Guy. I struggle with this as well, I'm to be more assertive and less of a people pleaser.

u/so-to-speak · 5 pointsr/seduction

It sounds like you're defining your life be the women you are with too much. I think you might benefit from reading No More Mr. Nice Guy book and forums.

u/mwobuddy · 5 pointsr/MensRights

This isn't r/pua or r/redpill.

In fact, a lot of it is victim blaming.

Logic tells us that we should WANT to be nice to others, and others should want to be nice to us in return. That's how reciprocity works.

The problem is our culture has short-circuited reciprocity into selfishness. Now everyone is a selfish asshole, so if you're nice, you're automatically worse than everyone else.

I just read the look inside version, and I got to controlling, manipulative, give to get, passive aggressive.

Did he give this to a woman to ghost write? Of course you give to get. Its called reciprocity. You don't keep being nice to someone that takes your kindness and then smashes you in the balls. Most people are passive aggressive because we have become more and more sensitive to overt aggressive behavior as rude, hostile, uncivilized, etc. Controlling isn't "nice guy", controlling is sociopathy, narcissism, etc. Its like he's writing about wholly disparate people.

I could do a simple find and replace of "nice guy" with "women", and I bet you so many people would see so much truth in all of those headers, passive-aggressive, controlling, give to get, etc etc.

The truth is that everyone does all that shit all the time, its not just "nice guys". Its normal. Nice guys just have a tweaked version that doesn't go anywhere.

>The law of reciprocity, (which applies in EVERY culture on the face of the earth), simply explains that that when someone gives you something you feel an obligation to give back. Giving and receiving favors is a common exchange and is an implicit assumption in most of our relationships.

The reality is that when reciprocity is broken, of course people are going to be bitter about it. But instead of accepting that some men and some women have done this to some men and some women out there, suddenly its men who are "nice" that have to change themselves to fit in, not that they are unjustly treated, and that women have it right when they call them manipulative assholes who aren't nice.

I've seen some people that constantly go around trying to get people to like them by saying how nice they are. This is not the average "nice guy".


When the rat does something you want, you reward it.

u/peter_n · 5 pointsr/malefashionadvice

Gonna jump in here just because as an asian dude I know this is a touchy subject that non-asians might not understand. It sounds like you don't have an "asian" problem, just a social awareness problem.

A couple of books I think you can benefit from reading:

Mate by Tucker Max and Geoffery Miller

Models by Mark Manson

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

I also recommend listening to "The Mating Grounds Podcast" which was the precursor to the Mate book.

You have a lot of mindsets you have to unpack and work on. These books (and podcast), I guarantee you will transform your life, not just your dating life.

Best of luck

u/iwishiwasameme · 5 pointsr/relationship_advice

Unfortunately I have no success story for you, not yet that is. I just found out I was a "Nice Guy" a couple days ago. A user named RedHawk suggested this book to me, which im guessing you have read too by the way you talk, and if you haven't be prepared to get creeped the shit out by a book that can read you mind.

I'm on the 3rd chapter and I'm trying to get one of my guy-friends to back me up on it before I continue. I have gone through years and years of this shit and trust me, I feel your pain. We're gunna beat this though. Check out that book, if you haven't. Its gunna save my life, and hopefully yours too. Good luck friend, there is a long road ahead of us.

u/Night-watcher · 5 pointsr/seduction

Not really, I don't owe you anything to explain, also there are too many things to cover. I suggest reading No More Mr Nice Guy and also Model.

u/boolean_sledgehammer · 5 pointsr/AskMen

You need to read this.

Seriously. It will help.

u/zehjwqvno · 5 pointsr/relationship_advice

Read this book:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

u/Clauderoughly · 5 pointsr/AskReddit

You don't

You need to sit your GF down and get her to read an awesome book

Toxic Parents

You can't do much but she needs to stand up to her folks.

They are dysfunctional alchs who need help, and by keeping them in her life as they are, she is enabling them.

u/awkward_chrysalis · 5 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Therapy should work if they're willing to get it AND stick it out....'s the getting them to therapy consistently that's the hard part. Hahaha...

Plus the therapist has to be a stranger to them. I've heard of it where the N caregiver hooks up with one of their buddy-buddies - which is supposed to be a big no-no in therapy anyway. But if they get their buddy-buddy involved they can just steer the therapy in their own direction.

Most alternative approach: The book ["Toxic Parents"] ( provides a guideline for confrontation if you're willing to go that route. In practice, it's risky though, and you have to do it for the right reasons (for yourself. Not to be mean or to troll, but to state your case & then be ready to accept whatever their reaction is.)

u/lonewolf-chicago · 5 pointsr/seduction

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: It's more Zen than the title alludes to.

No More Mr. Nice Guy: Excellent book!

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Mystery: Body Language 1

Mystery: Body Language 1

Hot Seat Breakdown: Part 1 of 5. This might be the greatest breakdown of legit pickup. It's Owen from RSD, and I don't like him typically, but this is super good.

u/morbidhawk · 5 pointsr/exmormon

This sounds a lot like my last 8 years of marriage. I've suffered from nice guy syndrome. It took me a long time to realize that I had issues myself because I thought all the problems in my life were because of my wife. When she was struggling I would do more and more and more to try to keep her happy and keep the peace while never allowing her to grow because I was enabling her.

It's kind of like the perfect Mormon family in the ward that does everything right and you hear about it all the time. Is that family really authentic and happy or are they trying to convince everyone else they are? You know they aren't flawless yet they want you to think they are. This is how my wife feels 100% of the time about me, and I have always got defensive in the past trying to explain and defend myself when in reality she was probably right a lot of the time. With the help of my therapist I was able to realize my codependence and it flipped my whole world upside down.

It sounds like you've also been able to replace the emotional responses that you were raised to have when serious problems arise and are now able to look objectively using logical reasoning. This is what I'm struggling to do myself right now. It's comforting knowing that I haven't been the only one that has gone through this kind of hell and I'm really glad you're in a better situation right now

u/TheFrigginArchitect · 5 pointsr/relationship_advice

I might be misreading what you have here, but this book might be worth a look:

Check it out. I am very sensitive by nature and reading it helped me to see and understand my behavior in relationships much better.

u/HeeroToast · 5 pointsr/whiteknighting

According to Dr. Robert Glover, "Nice guys are usually anything but nice." You have to check his book out man, it helped me to become a better friend, lover, significant other, and person in general. Particularly being someone who is very calculating it really helped me to achieve true empathy and compassion. Before I read this book I was in a relationship with a woman I despised who treated me very poorly, my drinking was out of control and I was generally just a very unhappy person. Now I have the perfect girlfriend, a better job and closer, more valuable friendships. Best $11 I ever spent. You can check it out here. Be sure to update us, you can do this :)

u/tach · 5 pointsr/argentina

Empecé a leer este libro,

Está bastante interesante, habla de las adicciones como reacción frente a traumas psicológicos y de cómo tratar una adicción puntual capaz que hace que ese trauma vuelva a aflorar en otro comportamiento igual.

u/dancing-lobsters · 5 pointsr/stopdrinking

Sidebar! Otherwise, I met Mark Lewis in October at the MN Nobel Peace Conference on Addiction.

There's a couple of books such as:

The Biology of Desire (Lewis), Memoirs of an Addicted Brain (Lewis), In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts (Mate)

u/MyPusyTasteLikePepsi · 5 pointsr/OpiatesRecovery

Family bought me the book "In The Realm of Hungry Ghost" to read in rehab. Half the book is about the Dr Gabor Mate's opinion of why we get addicted to drugs (very progressive) and the other half is encounters with patients he has worked with in Canada in that area that was declared a "drug using zone". The whole book is really amazing. Best seller in Canada

One of the top reviews on Amazon of the book:

Doctor Gabor Maté left a thriving private practice to counsel addicts in one of North America’s most brutal neighborhoods, Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside. He has immersed himself in addict subculture, the battles won and the tears shed, and has come to recognize his own addictions, though not to substances. He’s made one important discovery: it’s hard to hate people you know. So he introduces readers to his hard-bitten, suffering clientele.

This book, a thick tome that rewards careful perusal, starts as a form of group autobiography. Not that he claims his patients’ stories as his own. Having worked among Vancouver’s poorest, most despised citizens for a decade, he remains an outsider, returning to his suburban home nightly. Yet he knows these survivors’ stories well enough to write of them: "The misery is extraordinary in the drug gulag, but so is the humanity."

The gulag metaphor isn’t incidental. Not only have Maté’s clients disproportionately suffered incarceration (some, he says, have spent more than half their adult lives in jail), but many face extended imprisonment within their own minds. Most come from backgrounds of abuse and neglect. Many of Maté’s First Nations patients have generational trauma and Reservation Sickness back to the first white encroachments. Drugs cannot explain their behaviors.

Where these people come from, what tragedies and Sisyphean challenges formed their outlooks, proves inextricable from their addictions. Nearly all were broken before they touched drugs: "''I'm not afraid of dying,' a client told me. 'Sometimes I'm more afraid of living.'" This gives Maté his direct line into science. Transitioning from storytelling, Maté becomes an incisive researcher, distilling massively complex science into plain English without losing power.

At some pivotal moment in childhood development, Maté writes, addicts lack the unconditional love children require. It’s actually more difficult than that, but stripped to its rudiments, all people suffering long-term intractable addiction didn’t have loving guidance, as children, to control their emotions. Children, by definition, cannot handle stress independently. Our developing brains outsource self-control to responsible adults; if such adults aren’t around, our brains adapt accordingly.

Not for nothing, Maté observes, to many addicts compare the heroin rush to receiving a warm, lingering hug. The un-nurtured infant brain never develops the ability to guide itself through stress; fundamentally, that squalling child survives, desperate and scared, within every addict’s brain. The deprived infant becomes the terrified adult. "The dominant emotions suffusing all addictive behavior,” Maté writes, “are fear and resentment—an inseparable vaudeville team of unhappiness."

Don’t start feeling self-righteous, though, because you don’t wolf narcotics. Maté describes equitable structures in behavioral addictions, like abusive overeating, philandering, and thrill-seeking. Some of Maté’s most engaging chapters describe his own struggles with workaholism and binge-buying music CDs. "What seems non-adaptive and self-harming in the present was, at some point in our lives, an adaptation to help us endure what we had to go through then."

It’s difficult to read certain chapters without powerful twinges. Many women addicts he counsels, Maté writes, obsessively collect teddy bears among their drug-fueled squalor. Others have lost their children, but cannot bear to be parted from their small furry animals. Remember, he’s describing the poorest, most despised people in Canada, and all they want, amid the burglaries and self-mutilation and prostitution that subsidizes their drug dependency, is something to love.

This makes current approaches to drug prohibition doubly costly. We pay social costs to capture, prosecute, and imprison junkies, yes, and civil libertarians have long protested this lopsidedness. But the trauma of imprisonment compounds the conditions that created addicts’ problems to begin with. Nobody taught these people how to endure being alone with themselves, so what, let’s throw them in solitary? Who does that help?

As Maté describes it, criminal justice approaches become just plain mean. But more: we deny addicts social services, meaningful jobs, and basic medical care. This makes no sense, as Maté writes: "If our guiding principle is that a person who makes his own bed ought to lie in it, we should immediately dismantle much of our health care system." Yet somehow, we accept that further dehumanizing people already stripped of common humanity will help.

Addiction isn’t a story of “those people.” It’s the story of how we construct ourselves, and help construct other people, every day. Maté essentially paraphrases Thomas Aquinas when he writes: "In the final analysis, it's not the activity or object itself that defines an addiction but our relationship to whatever is the external focus of our attention or behavior." This means us.

u/elmay · 5 pointsr/lgbt

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I found Toxic Parents to be very useful in my own journey.

Also, by Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail is quite good and helped me get out of the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in.

u/Trazac · 5 pointsr/pcmasterrace
u/HappyTodayIndeed · 5 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.

It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.

My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here:,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE

My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.

u/33saywhat33 · 5 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.


u/raoulduke25 · 5 pointsr/Catholicism
u/meat_eating_midwife · 5 pointsr/StudentLoans

Check out this book: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

u/towerofcrows · 5 pointsr/occult

Some books to check out: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Psychic Self-Defense by Dion Fortune. Both books are easy enough to find in pdf format, and are very applicable to this situation.

u/theanarkid · 4 pointsr/Anarchism

Sever your roots.

I know what a bad trip it is, dealing with narcissistic parents.

Try this:

u/IronJohnKwando · 4 pointsr/asktrp

r/niceguys is that way

srs man. Read this book.

u/stemm · 4 pointsr/socialskills

Stop whatever it is you're doing and read this book

u/DyceFreak · 4 pointsr/faimprovement

That's a really good one. I also read How to talk to anyone which is along the same lines.

The book that started my FA awareness and journey of self improvement was No more mr nice guy

u/DummyDepression · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Yep, Visualization did jack shit for me too. I've read many self-help books, and so far the only ones that have helped me were those written by scientists who have researched their field for a long time, and people recommend them, that also had practical exercises in them. Very specific, but that's the truth. Here's a list:

u/JKirkN · 4 pointsr/seduction

No Mr Nice Guy is better than Models at first. Because it focuses more on the person in general. Unlike Models, which is oriented toward girls more.

u/diddlyhohum · 4 pointsr/seduction

I'd recommend reading a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It helped me a lot with reconcile a break-up that really left me as a shell of my former self. Maybe it'll help you out too.

u/djork · 4 pointsr/exchristian

Hello me?

I'm currently going through some major reevaluation of how I relate to my wife and others. I never thought about the religious angle, but now it makes more sense. I didn't have the typical childhood that precipitates a passive-aggressive personality.

For anybody who is interesting in changing this sort of behavior, check out No More Mr Nice Guy. It's not really about being tough, but rather getting in touch with your emotions and finding real intimacy.

u/luckie_duckie · 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I have no relationship to this book but it helped me understand exactly what you are talking about here. You are doing things to try to have sex with your wife. Stop, do things to make yourself more attractive to others. If she doesn't come around then she never will and if not you will be in a better position to move on.

Also, you are correct pressure is the enemy. You need to restart the honeymoon and stop being seen as a needy man that needs his penis played with (I know, harsh, but it made an impact on me too).

u/ouselesso · 4 pointsr/asktrp

Pro tip, there is no master guide that will fix your life. Find what works and fits, discard the rest.

You are way too inside your head about your situation. Stop thinking and start doing. I know it sounds like a cliche non-helpful response, but you know what needs to be done.

Next, fix your health and fitness. If you are over weight, fuck running, join a gym and start doing HIIT workouts. Eat clean, cut fast foods out, if you drink soda switch to diet ONLY, up your water intake, start counting calories. Apps like MyFitnessPal help with calorie counting.

Start reading. For you, I would recommend 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' by Robert Glover. Read the side bar, read all related subreddits.

As for your social situation, start going out alone. If you make your life interesting, people will become interested in you. Only you can fix the non-negotiable side of the transaction, up your SMV, up your attitude and outlook.

Counseling or coaching may be an approach for you also. Get what ever tools you need to crush life.

Remember, habits are hard to form. One day at a time.

u/marriedscoundrel · 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

A book that gets recommended around here often is No More Mr Nice Guy. The tl;dr is that being a pushover awards you nothing, especially in a relationship.

What happens is that if the woman starts cutting off sex because she’s “not in the mood” that a hard thing to argue against. Can’t expect you to want sex if you’re “not in the mood.” Well then, what would put you in the mood? She rattles off things she wants, he bends over backwards to accommodate them. But not only does this not create sexual desire, it lowers his standing in her eyes, as now he’s become her “errand boy” as you put it.

Or, to put it another way...

A: I want you to do this. It will make our relationship better.

B: Okay, I did it.

A: I love and respect you less now because you did it.

There are a lot of other concepts at play, but it basically reinforces the idea that women fundamentally want strong, leader-type men, even if verbally she says otherwise.

u/stonewall1979 · 4 pointsr/AskMenOver30

"Givers have to set limits because Takers will not".
-Some Reddit user a while back.

If you don't set limits and boundaries for yourself, no one else will.

There are two books that have helped me deal with similar tendencies. When I Say No I Feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both are very good books based on sound psychological premises, as opposed to other books I read that were theology based. As a side note, theological books may help some people, they just didn't fit for me. I wanted books based on observation and scientific study.

More to the point, they help in identifying where you need boundaries and communication techniques and styles to help navigate the conversation smoothly away from those topics.

It's not necessarily an age issue, it's just personal boundaries but those are changed and updated with age. Since many people can view a passive person as someone to be taken advantage of, they target them and as we get older we typically acquire more resources that other people want. So more hands come out trying to take what you've earned.

It's shitty to have some of the closest people in your life trying to take what's yours, if you'll give it up. This will also mean that you're going to have some hard decisions about who will remain in your life. If the 'takers' cannot stop and be decent self sufficient human beings you'll have to cut loose of them. Some people of value may be cut loose, and in the end, it'll probably be better for both of you that way.

Good luck

u/Caplooey · 4 pointsr/socialanxiety

for women specifically

here is a link bomb directly related to what you asked

(article collections)

(individual pages)


and my favorite of MM


here are some resources for your perusing

these books No More Mr Nice Guy Models New Game +

i found these websites the most useful


(i know it looks like i'm advertising him or something but this seems best targeted for what i assume you're looking for. step by step guides, he instructs you how to go outside and talk to people etc...)

i personally have yet to take it, but i've read so many of his articles, read his HTNGAF book and trust him as as source, and will take his courses as a self therapy for SA

Mark Manson offers courses for social related stuff, including the romantic kind, i found at the bottom he offers a $4 USD monthly subscription for all of them instead of buying them individually (which is probably the option i'm going to choose)

u/SnowHesher · 4 pointsr/relationships

I wouldn't say he needs that sub. However, he should probably read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Based on his responses in this thread, OP sounds like a doormat who goes out of his way to avoid confrontation. Reading that book might help him grow a spine and start standing up for himself.

u/Cloud_Riverdale · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

Dude, you are incredibly lucky that she is willing to tell you this. If you want a quick run down of what she's asking for, try these links:

When you parse out what they're describing... None of this is actually about being "Bad" or "mean" to people. It's about having self confidence and standing up for yourself.

Here are some book recommendations:
No more Mr Nice Guy:

Models: Attract women through honesty:

What women want when they test men:

The last one is "Sex God Method" by Daniel Rose. You have to pirate it, because on amazon it goes for $750.

Of all the books, Sex God Method is life changing if you're willing to apply it. This book completely changed my life.

It's not that she wants you to literally be mean, she wants you to stand up to her and stand up for yourself.

She is doing you SUCH a favor by being so honest and up front with you. Seriously. Many guys in your situation just get cheated on, or dumped, or both. Yes, you read that right.

u/Mr-Ed209 · 4 pointsr/dating_advice

Ah man, I feel for you both in a way. You're both just a bit clueless.

Stop messaging him, you're only leading him on further and he's gonna blow up if/when anything develops between you and his friend. He's crushing on you hard and you don't like him, theres not a great deal you can do. What you should keep in mind is this; he is not entitled to have you as his GF - just as you are not entitled to his 'friendship'. You can't have it all (date his friend - have him giving you constant attention and gifts). It happens to mostly everyone growing up and this guy will have to learn to set healthy boundaries with the girls he likes in the future.

Best thing you can do, thank him for the tickets and buy him this book in return:

He'll hate you, but it's for his own good.

u/barnetto · 4 pointsr/Parenting

Some subreddits to check out:




I think you can find information about going NC (no contact), LC (low contact), or SC (structured contact) with your parents from posts. I also recommend the book Toxic Parents for validation. I liked Stop Walking on Eggshells for setting limits/boundaries, though that is primarily aimed at people whose loved ones have BPD.

u/Lordica · 4 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

My sister gave my this book. I admit, it sat unread by my bed for quite a while, but once I started to glance at a few pages, I began to recognize that what I had been brainwashed into believing was normal was actually extremely dysfunctional. I knew that I didn't want to recreate any of the same unhealthy dynamics in my own family. I never was able to gather the courage to go full NC, but I did learn to set boundaries at least in regards to my husband and children.

u/RBW1983 · 4 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Codependent No More is you.

It's not the best book, but it's sort of square one for gaining further insight into the kind of problems that those of us that live with addicts, alcoholics, and the mentally ill face, and changing our behavior patterns in relation to our SOS.

I'd say it's at least worth a gander if unfamiliar.

Sending you strength!

u/Detective_Lindy · 4 pointsr/StopSpeeding

First of all, congratulations on six months sober! Congratulations on the four year stretch before your last relapse. You say some things that are unkind about yourself and addicts in general (the notion that they are “selfish” and...I don’t want to disagree with you to hard here, since that is the received wisdom...but let me try to reframe it a bit: you have made a commitment to getting and staying sober, and that is a set of skills that is going to see you through, whether you have reached your last relapse or not.) You are also incredibly brave to put this out there, and your parents are extremely loving and patient with you (and themselves!) They don’t make themselves out to be victims, nor do they treat you as a villain who has fucked up their plans...that is what support looks like, and you are extremely lucky to have them). This is a long video, but I watched all of it, and it seemed to pass in about two minutes. It’s chock full of good advice, and anyone here who has a problem, but is afraid to tell those who are close to them should seriously consider sitting down with their loved ones to watch it together. I wanted to make some bullet points for anyone who doesn’t have the time and inclination to view all of this, because there is so much good advice here for family members who know someone who is struggling with addiction, so:

  • You know that something is off because things are missing/out of place (steak knives and soda cans that have been cut up with them here).
  • Addicts live in denial and it’s going to rub off on you. You don’t want to ruin your standing in the community, and the problem is still viewed as shameful...but there are resources out there for people exactly like you. Find and participate in a support group, especially if you don’t want to.
  • Don’t protect your addict from consequences (your father mentions not calling the police at one point when he knows that it is the right thing to do).
  • Be careful about enabling bad behavior (your parents talk about buying you groceries, and you tell them straight up, “When you did that, I used my money for drugs.”) The corollary to this is that one thing you can as an addict is tell those who support you is the truth about what you will do when they offer help.
  • Be patient and be prepared to let go without giving up. (Your mother talks about going to bed when it is extremely cold out, worrying that you will freeze to death, because you are on the streets.)
  • This isn’t stated explicitly, but learn about codependency. The hallmark of codependent behavior is trying to control other people. Addicts are very good at using codependent behavior to enable their addiction. (Your mother talks about putting bars on her windows and setting alarms, after the vendor who is about to install them tells her straight up that you will adapt to them so that you can use within the restrictions they impose.) The best book I have found on codependency so far is this one. A few comments on it: it was written by an addict, and the one thing I got out of it more than anything is how addicts themselves exhibit a lot of traits that she lists as “codependent.” The biggest gem among her advice for overcoming codependency is to set goals. This works for addiction, and it works for those who live with addicts (but not if your goal is simply “quit using” or “I want my son or daughter to quit using.”...that is based on the codependent hallmark of control, after all).

    On a personal note, I felt a lot of emotion toward the end when you told your parents that you love them, they told you that they love you, and you hugged at the end. You have suffered enormously for your addiction. I believe that you are going to make it because you have this kind of support system.
    On a polemical note, I watched Dr. Phil do what is essentially an intervention a few days ago. He had an alcoholic grandmother with two disgusted daughters who decided to cut her out of their lives because she wouldn’t admit she has a problem (but would admit that “she likes drinking”). It makes for great ratings, but is the absolute wrong thing to do. This woman is probably going to drink herself to death, and if she doesn’t she is going to drink herself to continued misery...which she won’t feel, and that’s why she drinks! Your parents are the other side of the coin. They didn’t give up or shun you because of your problems. They saw your problem as their problem. They gave you love and support in ways that are appropriate (your dad had lunch with you, even when you were dirty and smelly, and he told you that he loved you no matter what). You have a strong foundation for loving yourself, and you are extremely lucky to have two parents who are that loving. I’m impressed with what you chose to do with that love.
u/SlovenianHobbes27 · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

"And through all this he has never thanked me. He doesn't even act like he cares that this past year was hard for me as well. At times he seems to actually resent me. We never spend time together, he doesn't go out of his way to help me in any capacity."

Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. But people show you who they are, especially in tough times. He has shown you who he is. Your desire to change him, to "fix this" is a sign of codependancy. Please read up on codependancy, especially the book . Go to your local libary and read.

You can't change him, he has to want to change himself and he has to work hard on changing himself, and that will require years of therapy and hard work on his part, and lots of suffering on your part.

He's toxic. You're suffering because of him. Why don't you walk away? What do you, realistically, have to lose? The relationship seems really one sided and toxic. You seem like a very caring, lovely person, who he has been taking advantage of. Why don't you take off some time from relationships, work on yourself and then find someone who will treat you much better?

I also encourage you to read, for future relationships, "5 languages of love" and "His needs, her needs". It will help you and your future partner, someone who will care for you and treat you much better, to have a very happy relationship.

Please, break up with him and set yourself free.

If you want to talk more, I strongly urge you to post here -> .

Also, send me a message or reply here if you want to talk more.

Best wishes

u/merow · 4 pointsr/AskReddit

Seriously go to the book store right now, buy this book and read it.

u/impacted_turd · 4 pointsr/trashy

Reminds me of this.

u/reality_tester · 4 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Post mortem as in pouring over everything to make sense of the relationship due to FOG(fear, obligation, guilt).

Emotional children seek caretakers, someone who will put everything into them to boost the caretakers self-esteem at the expense of the caretakers needs. This is a tacit agreement between the two from the beginning pretty much. This book explains it well (where I acquired the nomenclature of 'caretaker'):

u/Steve_McKween · 4 pointsr/BPDlovedones

>Sometimes, in fact, I feel like I'm the crazy one. Like I'm actually causing it.

OMG yes! And when we "talk" about our issues (rarely), she does everything in her power to reinforce that feeling in me. Like Charlie Brown and the football, I would try to kick that ball again and again. Each "talk" would end with me trying yet harder.


>I just want the conflict or contempt/anger to stop.

It won't. It will ebb and flow, but it will not stop. And you can try to be good hoping to end it, but it won't end. It is how they control us. It works because we care what the feel about us. We want to be loved for who we are now. We never get it. There is always something "wrong" they find.


>I've been practicing recognizing that feeling, and stopping or walking away, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure what the "right" way is to make it work, but it feels like not engaging is the only thing that works... Which doesn't resolve anything either.

Grey rock method is effective until your lack of response angers them. But more than that, it turns you into a zombie. It's like living with a predator waiting to pounce. You move slowly and quietly hoping to go unnoticed. Who wants to go through life like that?

My therapist is an advocate of practicing Stoicism. I don't know if you are familiar with the serenity prayer or not. It is derived from Stoicism. We can't control their emotions. We can't make them desire us. What we can control is how we react to them and how we choose to live.

The best book I have read on the subject is Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcissist. It really helped me see the pattern we are locked in.

I wish you well. Keep us updated.


u/tossit9999 · 4 pointsr/Divorce

BPD is really tough and creates its own set of issues with divorcing. You need to prepare yourself and there are some great resources that can help get you through this. I'd suggest two books, which are both quick reads: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With BPD or NPD and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Document everything and keep a daily journal of events including care of the children. Learn everything you can about BPD and how to help your kids through this. Do not expect cooperation but be thankful when and if it happens. Best of luck to you - it's a tough road and I'm also starting the same journey.

u/thehaga · 4 pointsr/thatHappened

No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great book that explains why if you/anyone are/is interested. This is a actually a very serious and prevalent issue that has an unhealthy influence on both (or more, if kids etc.) people in the relationship.

u/mordred · 4 pointsr/IAmA

Dude, please. Read. This. Book. No More Mr. Nice Guy

u/se7endays · 4 pointsr/pornfree

By thinking about this too much, you make it unnecessarily complicated. If you aren't planning on marrying this woman (which sounds like an AWFUL idea) then get rid of her. It's easy to get complacent in life, especially with a partner and that can lead you to waste years of your life in a dead end situation. Break up, work on your issues, and then try again with someone else.

u/QueasyOrchid · 4 pointsr/MomForAMinute

I know it’s depression and not alcoholism, but I’ve found this really helpful in my life and it may help you too:

I’d strongly recommend reading the book “codependent no more”

u/Derparita · 4 pointsr/breakingmom

I have a book I'd like you to read. It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was suggested to me by my ex's therapist, when I joined him in a therapy session and ended up sobbing. It helped me see things from a different perspective and gave me strength I didn't know I had. The book drastically improved my life and it only took a few days to read. Here it is on Amazon. I was skeptical at first because:

  1. I had never read a self-help book before and had honestly zero faith that it would help anything.


  2. The cover of the book made me defensive because it says something about controlling others.

    But, read it. It all makes sense once you get into it, and I really think your situation will hugely improve if you do. It's just a book, so worst case scenario, you don't gain anything from it but another book to add to the list of books you've read. Best case scenario, your life is changed for the better.

    Here it is on Overdrive, you can see if it is available at your local library or even in e-book form.

    Edit Actually, I found the e-book online for free (actually it is a free 4-title bundle of her books, but it includes the one I am recommending) so I downloaded it to my Dropbox account. I'll PM you the link so you can just click the link and read it. If anyone else wants to read the book, PM me and I'll send you the link too.
u/kpezkpez · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

Agree 100% with the above. Suggest reading Codependant No More as well. Good luck. Keep your chin up.

u/Vascodamus · 4 pointsr/writing

In my personal couple's counseling, our counselor has recommended two books so far: Codependent No More
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No

These are both specific to our particular issues, but maybe you could find some use :) Good luck!

u/temp_guy7777 · 4 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I have been doing a lot of self reflection, and I had the same thing to be attracted to needy cluster b types. I chased a narc for years, begging for scraps of attention. After my recent divorce, all I can say is, I am to blame for getting into the relationship and staying. Read this , and also work on meditation and finding yourself, ask yourself why aren't you enough for you, why is there a drive for another to complete you.

u/schmidtmj · 4 pointsr/Codependency

Codpendent No More by Melody Beattie

The one and only book I've read. It was very helpful for me.

u/TheBraveChoice · 4 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

I recommend this book to anyone who identifies with any of the symptoms of codependency:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

It's a classic. Every social worker and counselor I know has read it and recommends it often. My WS and I both have codependent tendencies, but they play out of different ways. My issue is that I tend to take responsibility for others' happiness, and by extension, responsibility for their actions. My WS tends to feel the need to take on others’ problems, and in doing so can become inappropriately entwined emotionally.

This played out both in her affair, and the way I have tried to come to terms with it. Knowing and understanding our tendencies, we can navigate more clearly through the challenges presented by the different ways we experience and respond to the other is doing/saying.

In short, understanding this concept has improved our rebuilt marriage immensely.


u/j3ss1b0wtF · 4 pointsr/slaa

Hi there, I feel you completely. There is someone I dated in my past that when we broke up, it was truly amicable. I was in the process of getting sober and I was so toxic that I had to end things, even though he was willing to stickit out. We have absolutely unconditional love for each other and from time to time, text each other. None of it is romantic, but he is someone I feel the safest I ever have in my life, and I think that speaks volumes as to how healthy (even though I was unhealthy) it was. I don't know if he's my soulmate. But I know we are riding parallel lives down the universe at this moment in time. Maybe we'll cross paths again, who knows, but I absolutely adore and respect him. He will forever have a special place in my heart, even if he marries someone else. (And it's come to light over time that I don't think we would have worked out had we continued dating)

Remember, love is freedom. Love is the ability to let people go to let them grow themselves. The tighter one grasps at something, the more likely both things will end up hurting. The fact that he is able to recognize what you need (even if you can't recognize it yourself) and give you time to heal is one of the most loving actions anyone can take. Even if you do not get back together (and who the HELL knows what happens), just take it one day at a time and really work on yourself NOT because you think if you do you will get back together with him, but because you legitimately want to work on it for yourself.

If you do this for him, you will create a disaster that will take you years to recover from... trust me, I made that mistake.

I really recommend getting this book to start out (link below). I have a lot of the same issues (never being single, always in a relationship, etc). The first 20 pages was life changing for me.

I WISH I had someone at 21 tell me this was what was going on. You will discover so much of your own self over the next few months/years/lifetime. Really, congratulations. It might be painful, but pain just means you have the opportunity to get stronger.

This is probably the most useful and meaningful thing that I can say about this recovery process: if you just let the universe unfold in front of you, you will discover yourself in the most beautiful journey, and you'll find the most incredible people, hear the most emotional stories, and uncover a life that most people don't get the opportunity to.

Best of luck, don't fear the unknown, embrace it with all of your heart.


u/IsaGuz · 4 pointsr/fatlogic

Yeps. Staying single is going to be the best option. Try to find happiness inside yourself. It helps you a lot through life.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that to get to that point. There's a website in case you're interested. I'm really, really sorry.

I hope at least you are cleared of the infection now and physically healthy. It's a good idea to build yourself up first. But, as a part of the build-up, I recommend you to read this:
Website (wonderful):


Sorry if I am meddling. I hope you get better, and I hope at least your body is OK now. I really wish you a good return to physical and emotional health. And yes, best thing you can do is learn to live on your own and be happy that way. Maybe when you get to that point someone worthy will appear but... don't count on it. Not everyone is worthy, not everyone is marriage-material, or even long term relationship material, so not everyone can get a married happy-ever after. BUT, everyone can get a happy-ever after if they focus on getting it without depending on other people's decisions.

u/FifteenthPen · 4 pointsr/getting_over_it

>'s a lonely world without parents.

This is true, but it's still a better world than one with toxic parents.

If you haven't read it already, I highly recommend Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy". It was very helpful for me in understanding that I was justified in cutting off contact with my parents, and that my life is better without them in it.

u/skillsne · 4 pointsr/norge

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts er en bok jeg hører igjennom akkurat nå (er på siste kapittel). Jeg føler den er "must read" for de som vil uttale seg angående avhengighet, om det gjelder stoffer eller andre ting.

Boken har endret mitt syn på en del aspekter med avhengighet.

u/arthur_sc_king · 4 pointsr/canada

The best way to solve those two primary contributing factors to homelessness is to bloody well treat them. If we had hundreds or thousands of people wandering our downtowns with, I don't know, pneumonia or something, wouldn't we just pop them into a hospital and treat them until they get better?

So it goes with mental illness and addiction. There are a lot of possible strategies for treating mental illness and addiction which look expensive at first, but which really can save buttloads of money in the long run. Read this article for a background and some ideas. Also, Dr. Gabor Maté's book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts is a great one for seeing what life is really like for the human beings who happen to be homeless addicts or mentally ill people.

u/n0floatingsheet · 4 pointsr/Psychiatry

in The Realm of Hungry Ghosts Human, riveting, well-written, and depicts how the mechanisms underlying addiction operate in everyone. [sauce: am not addict, thank God]

u/jayrtfm · 4 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life may be a place to start looking for answers and help.

u/yaboproductions · 4 pointsr/AsianParentStories

A huge help for me was Toxic Parents. The big takeaways for me were establishing that my parents toxicity towards me was really stemming out of baggage that they themselves had. It helped me develop compassion for them, and also draw a healthy boundary in dealing with their manipulative habits. The last section on already-dead parents and how to reconcile with the lingering pain is really good too.

Speaking of boundaries, there's a great book called Boundaries that's also a great resource. It's a Christian book, but even if you're not Christian you may still learn from it.

u/_jeth · 4 pointsr/BipolarReddit

My mother was a narcissist. Key examples: I was diagnosed with a likely congenital heart condition and at the time of diagnosis we didn't know any prognosis and I was actively in heart failure. She asked me to never discuss it because it was too stressful for her. A year later she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had an excellent prognosis. She called constantly wanting to talk about her condition and at one point became angry with me because I was not willing to tattoo a pink ribbon on my body (for many reasons largely surrounding the sham that is Susan G Komen and Pinkwashing) and declared me a bad daughter.

She was physically abusive, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive. In high school she hit me, then told my father she would divorce him for intervening and stopping her from hitting me further, and manipulated him into telling me that I had to apologize to her for making her made at me and if I did not I could go to foster care for all he cared and if they did get divorced he definitely wouldn't try to pursue custody of me since that divorce would be my fault. She was still snooping through my things when I was in my thirties when she only had authorization to be in my house to let my dog out. She disowned me because I told her she wasn't very nice to me, and had my father call twenty minutes later to permanent ban me from their house, but four days later pretended nothing happened and expected me to bring her a bag of hot dog buns at work.

With the help of some books I'd been reading I had worked up the nerve to go No Contact and I used the disowning as my springboard to enforce my terms. I made my conditions for future contact clear - she needed to attend anger management; then we needed family counseling. She spent a few years randomly reaching out and pretending nothing had happened - when I would point out my conditions, she would blow up at me. She doesn't know where I live, what my phone number is, and she won't for as long as I live as far as I am concerned. She tracked down my husband this year and he blocked her without hesitation, then told me what had happened. I was full on shaking with this weird mix of fear and anger. She just cannot let it go.

There is a huge, clear difference between Narcicisstic personality disorder and Bipolar. Bipolar means you are depressed and you are manic. My mother never displayed either condition. But she was manipulative, abusive, and everything always circled back to her. It was always about her. She would bitch you out for not making any money and hassle you about applying for a better job, and once you did, she would become angry at you for making more money than she did and needle you to tell her just how much more money you were making because don't you think you're so fucking great. All my friends had parents that went beyond simply tolerating their existence and for years I blamed myself for not being good enough for my parents approval, but the more I read about narcissistic parents the more I realized I could be Bill Gates with billions of dollars and tons of power and I would still be cut down to size by my mother for making her look bad (in her eyes). In the end the No Contact order was the smartest thing I ever did. I have my life back. I feel like the first 31 years of my life are finished and I get a do-over.

If you came from an abusive or narcissistic home, I recommend this book:

u/flsucks · 4 pointsr/gaybros


Also read this book, it will help you sort through the baggage they've inevitably saddled you with.

u/blackbird842 · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward. I haven't read it yet but every review I've seen has said it's life changing and the excerpts I've seen so far have all been spot on.

u/PineTron · 3 pointsr/JordanPeterson

Keep on grinding. Read, write, think. It is going to take you years before you reach a level where you won't be a single mistake away from hell.

I highly recommend this book if you were a victim of domestic abuse:

u/SillySillyGirl · 3 pointsr/asktransgender

I can highly recommend the book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life . I had already cut mine from my life but it helped me understand i had too and not to feel guilty. They are used ones for 1 cent :)

u/Borsao66 · 3 pointsr/asktrp
u/rbaltimore · 3 pointsr/relationships

I'd like to recommend a book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. It's an amazing book that a lot of people I know have read. It's really a fantastic book. You're not alone, I promise.

u/abortiondrone · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

It's so absurd and if you aren't in therapy people just say you're not trying hard enough or don't really want to get better, like being a victim, etc. Fuck 'em. They have no idea what's going on or what it's like.


I love therapy books now, haha. I hated the idea of self help but these aren't selling anything, they're fairly clinical approaches and written by actual health professionals, not gurus or 'personalities.'


Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward


Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw


Healing the Incest Wound by Christine B. Courtois This one is pretty good but the language focuses heavily on father/daughter incest which is limiting, unfortunately.


The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker Don't let the full title mislead you, it's absolutely not about forgiving your parents, it's about learning to accept the shitty feelings that linger even after treatment.


Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker A life changing book, really. I'm particularly fond of Pete Walker because he is a therapist AND an abuse survivor himself so he's not just talking from the ivory tower, he's been through it and the compassion and empathy he has for other survivors is evident in his writing.

u/BogusProfiterole · 3 pointsr/AvPD

This is a quick "screen" from the best book I've ever found on this subject;

"Are you the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
Were you often frightened of your parents?
Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you a€™re an adult...

Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you with money?
Do you feel that no matter what you do, it'€™s never good enough for your parents?"

Any of these things are toxic and abusive, and have a major influence on your sense of self-worth.

u/boundfortrees · 3 pointsr/SRSMen

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

if you don't have the funds for therapy right now, this can help. you might even be able to find it at a used bookstore or the library.

u/iliikepie · 3 pointsr/simpleliving

Sure! Two books really helped me. One is Toxic Parents. It may not apply to your life though. My parents weren't alcoholics or physically abusive, but there was emotional abuse and emotional neglect. That book really helped me to be able to work through a lot of things from my childhood that I just couldn't let go of and would constantly think about.

The Brain That Changes Itself is a book that isn't really a self-help type book. But for me, it really inspired me. It showed me that I do have the power to change. Even to change things that I thought were impossible.

u/mayihaveatomato · 3 pointsr/Divorce_Men

Second. OP, you may want to take a look at this. I was “saving” my ex from her past and her family for years. I thought that connection would be strong enough to keep us together forever, especially once our two kids were born. She eventually ended up cheating, we divorced, she apologized and we got back together “for the kids.” Then she ended up cheating again, marrying a guy from out of state and I had to battle in court to keep my kids here. I learned that you can’t fix a broken person if you’re in a relationship with them. All you can do is guide them to the help they need. I’d be VERY wary of you getting back together with your ex. I view that move as the absolute worst choice I’ve ever made. They only come back because it’s safe. People that are going to cheat won’t leave a perfectly good boat. They wait to find another one then sink the shit out of yours. Good luck OP

u/need_CF_advice · 3 pointsr/Divorce

I've been struggling to trust myself again as well. I let him push my boundaries of what is acceptable over and over again. Every time I drew a line, he pushed it further out and then I re-drew the line. I finally reached my limit, but it took a long time, too long, with far too many boundaries pushed that no reasonable person would allow.

There are things about you that you need to address - I would know because I did the same thing. I'm learning to recognize the problem and not let it happen again through counseling. It's been incredibly helpful.

You're right that you need to learn from your mistakes. Too many people collect a string of bad partners. Get yourself into counseling if you can.

If you can't, there are resources out there. These two books changed my life, and will do you a world of good:

u/sack-o-meat · 3 pointsr/selfhelp

I can relate to your behavior. I am people-pleaser too. But I am getting better at it. One of the things that helped me was reading about co-dependency. I realize that co-dependency is most often discussed in the realm of substance abuse but, in reality, the underlying conditions for people like us is the same. So, too, is the solution.
Try this book for starters. It's highly regarded as one of the best out there on the subject. Just ignore the references to things that don't apply to your situation (yet) and focus on the similarities. I think you will start to find answers to your questions.
Good luck.
Oh, one more thing, it gets better! As you start to lose fear and gain confidence, it becomes avalanche of self empowerment.

u/MondoHawkins · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

If he can't or won't stop the drinking that is negatively affecting his life, he qualifies as an alcoholic. Doesn't matter if it's every day behavior or sporadic. Alcoholism exists in many forms.

If you're not willing to leave, joining a support group for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts might help. You could try out a local Al-anon meeting, or Smart Recovery (non-12 step program) has an online meeting every Monday night for friends and family.

Given that you don't want to leave someone with a substance abuse problem and especially because you said, "I shouldn't have to babysit him," I'd wager that you have a codependent personality. You might find some peace from reading Codependent No More.

Staying with someone who has addiction problems is a tough road to take. I hope it works out for you, but no matter what happens, take care of yourself first.

u/geareddev · 3 pointsr/relationships

>why does he continue to fucking do this

Because he can. Your mother never left him. Your brother lives with him. You returned home to him. Has his alcoholism cost him anything that he really cares about?

You might find these two books helpful.

Codependent No More


u/YankeeDoodled · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

This book is really helping me. It’s a daily thought/topic and usually less than a page long. I start my day off with it and I am seeing great results.

u/RestrainedGold · 3 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

> To be honest I wish I'd realised it sooner and done something about it, but I always put it down to just nerves... how many other times have they done that? :/

I went through this with my husband. I spent years actively encouraging him to keep in touch with his parents. I don't any more.

> he now wants me to defend the choice to his parents. :(

Nope! This is his job. Not yours. He should not put you in the middle between him and his parents. As it is, they are going to blame you - and that is even if he stands up to them.

All that said, here is the most important part: No one needs to defend anything. He is an adult. He makes his own decisions, and then, when it is appropriate, he INFORMS people of his decisions. Anything else is JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain). In this case, I would not bring up the subject again refuse to discuss it until the changes are official. Then he tells his parents, and if they start in on him, he leaves. Keep it simple, and keep it to actions, not words (except "mom and dad, I am so sorry you feel that way. We will have to come back when you are in a better mood). They will eventually learn that if they mis-behave, they will not get to enjoy his company. Or they will make idiots out of themselves and he will begin to feel like their company isn't worth the trouble.

By the way, I just finished reading this book I think it would be an excellent gift for your husband, and for you to read to get a better understanding of why he reacts to them the way he does.

As to the name: It is not that bad, it's really that I cringe at the Mrs. part. Especially when someone attempts to call me very traditionally Mrs. Husband's first and last name. I have my own name dammit! That, and some of my re-action to the name is because of a dislike of how his family treated me.

u/Clovergendered · 3 pointsr/JUSTNOFAMILY

You all REALLY need this book so you can just STOP making excuses for enabling this woman.

u/daear · 3 pointsr/NarcissisticAbuse

I wanted to recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad. Massively, massively helpful for my own situation, and I think it will be a great help for you, too. It doesn't just focus on the narcissist, it also discusses the caretaker role along with practical advice on how to cope with, manage, or leave the narcissist.

u/MichaelJohn920 · 3 pointsr/SingleDads

Therapy doesn’t always help. Got to get a good one. Or one that avoids meds. Or one that embraces them. Different for everyone. And a long road. And sometimes nothing can be done. From what so read it sounds like she may have some borderline elements and this book could resonate or help you feel better about a path forward.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

u/Makorbit · 3 pointsr/socialskills

These were the lessons I learned that changed the way I saw things. I'm going to speak frankly because what you said resonates with how I felt when I was younger.

First, since I love reading, here's a good read that might be helpful


The prerequisite for respect from others is, first and foremost, self-respect. There is a profound difference between kindness coming from a place of self-respect and kindness coming from neediness. One asks nothing in return, simply for personal satisfaction of adhering to one's own personal pillars, the other gives expecting reciprocation. Respecting the self doesn't mean being an asshole to others, it's knowing what you want, what you value, and being willing to stand behind those regardless of others. Learn to need only the self, and you become a foundation from which true kindness can be found. Don't be afraid to let people see who you are.

This is the vital issue with the 'nice-guy' syndrome, and why you see bitterness come from 'nice-guys', especially when it comes to romantic interests. 'nice-guys' try to slip in an unspoken contract under their kindness, 'I'm going to be nice to you so I expect something in return'.


The loud, the colorful and the entertaining get the most attention. They may be rude and narcissistic, but they probably have more presence or 'I AM HERE' than someone who's nice, friendly, and kind. Attention isn't necessarily a good thing, the person who fucks around and has outbursts of rage gets attention and is entertaining, but no one respects them. The rotting apple garners as much attention as the apple pie next to a bowl of fruit. The people you describe may just have a stronger sense of self, what the self wants, and the self-respect to let that be known. People are drawn to that which is different. Different, not better, not worse.



Whlie we're on the topic of narcissism, the 'nice-guy' is one of the most narcissistic types of people. They convince themselves they're being altruistic, but they do things for others for the sake of getting something in return for themselves.

>'I always do them favors, they should do them for me, I'm always friendly with them they should be friendly to me, [I] listen to them they should listen to me, I'm always there for them they should always be there for me'.

You paid them in kindness and now they're revoking the contract because they 'end up using, disrespecting and leaving me'.

I only say this because I was like this once before. Once I began to see my 'kindness' through this lens, it became very easy to distinguish moments when I was being kind expecting something in return, and when I was being kind for the sake of it. Once I started to establish a firmer understanding of what I wanted, and what I personally valued, I noticed, over time, that people respected me more. They saw genuine me, not hiding behind the hollow mask of kindness.

u/Casanova-Quinn · 3 pointsr/videos

>but things like going out of my way to answer phone calls, texts, being home, checking in, making myself available when she needed help, making sure the house was working, not spending forever out with friends, including my wife when I had some kind of activity, they all went unnoticed

I would highly recommend you read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. I guarantee it will be very eye opening for you.

u/Tebulus · 3 pointsr/asktrp

Go read no more nice guy. To them you are producing or not, and if you're not you get let go and I am 99% sure that most of those higher level guys do not think about problems like you and I do. If your story is accurate and you can present your explanation of the facts and how you took initiative because it appeared to you at that time that if you did nothing and played it safe your company could have lost someones salary for a year in one month and potentially multiple months in a row. I have a very difficult time believing that your CFO and or CEO will take that badly especially if you can present it calmly and confidently. If they react poorly and try to scapegoat you then defend yourself with the facts and without emotion. If it doesnt go well be polite and respectful on your way out to your next interview and go tell the story of how you saved a company potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines in a month because you saw an opportunity and took it and didnt give a fuck what your overworked CFO did. Also dont read into shit. You have zero idea what is going on and men do the same thing to women. You are missing information and cannot come to the correct conclusion anyway. Be patient and secure in your existence and practice outcome independence.

u/agoodresponse · 3 pointsr/asktrp

Okay, I will tell you some things about me.

First, I ghosted everyone that knew me as a Blue Pill guy. Now, an inherent part of ghosting is being alone. When most people tell you they are independent, it's fucking bullshit. Emerson wrote a great deal on self-reliance.

Here is an essay by Emerson on the subject of self-reliance. It is both a great introduction to his views and how beautifully he writes.

Here is a collection of Emerson's essays. Ignore the 1 star review, which is for the Kindle version of the book, but heed it and buy the physical book instead of the Kindle version.

Emerson was friend and mentor to Thoreau, who wrote the following account of his two-year stay in a cabin near Walden Pond. One of Thoreau's goals was self-sufficiency.

Here is some further reading.

You mention you are going to be a radiographer soon. Now, I have seen said on TRP that some here do not see the point in film, but I fucking love film. Now, there is one film in particular that I think relates to your situation incredibly. That is Ikiru by Akira Kurosawa.
Ikiru is about a Japanese man who, near the end of his life, learns he has a terminal disease. He has, up to that point, wasted his whole life at his government job. Learning of his illness inspires in the main character a will to change, and seeing him undergo that inspires change in those around him. But, and this is another lesson to be learned from the film, we see that the main character's transformation has no lasting effect on those around him. Change has to come from within.

Another film seriously worth watching is Whiplash. I saw it mentioned in this subreddit in passing and am glad I did.

If you want me to elaborate on the things that I didn't, ask. I have a lot more film recommendations, but cannot recommend any more books, as I do not read that much. I don't recommend any music as I would consider most of what I listen to to be blue pill.

u/caesarfecit · 3 pointsr/JordanPeterson

> Im agreeable, passive and nice to a fault. Why? Because I believe I NEED as many people around me as possible. Why? Because without them, I would find myself alone. And alone, I would die due to conflict with others.

You actually don't. We may want others in our lives, and be better for it, but you don't need other people to survive or even be happy. It's a pernicious false belief. For instance, ever consider that much of that "conflict with others" is caused by neediness in either yourself or others?

> Integrating the Shadow means becoming disagreeable and getting into conflict with others because you want something.

Integrating the Shadow means confronting and accepting our inner child who has irrational wants and fears. The reason why we do this is because that inner child is the root of all motivation. And furthermore, if we didn't integrate the Shadow, our only alternatives are to repress it (which never works because repression breeds rebellion) or let it dominate us.

There is a big big difference between standing up for ourselves and our legitimate self-interest, and running around causing drama.

> I am a beta male, and if I conflict with others it could lead to physical confrontation and I believe I would lose those fights. I am not a dominant creature, I am relatively short with no combat training. I just don't believe in my ability to survive life by myself.

Unless you're in some kind of post-apocalyptic anarchy where every conflict is a life-and-death knife fight, this sounds overblown and hysterical.

Sometimes conflict comes to us whether we want it or not, and a bully is always banking on the unwillingness of his victim to defend themselves. Which is worse, to fight the good fight and lose, or to lose it by default due to cowardice?

Winning a fight is just as much mental as it is physical, and the mental aspect can be learned and developed. That's one of the reasons why I took up wrestling in high school. And there was one guy on the team that I had significant height and weight advantages over and he'd still throw me around like a ragdoll because of his experience and superior technique.

> A dominant male does believe in his ability, and therefore can afford to be an asshole to others and take what he needs/wants from life.

They believe in their ability because that is what experience has taught them. Your bad experiences have taught you the wrong lesson. Furthermore, bullies always always always get what's coming to them, because they inevitably push things too far or mess with the wrong person, because they're too ignorant to foresee that possibility.

> I have to cooperate with others and be kind to them so that I am not shunned from groups nor greeted with disdain by an angry ape(other humans).

Ever consider the possibility that your approach might actually breed contempt and disdain in others, just as much or more as being confrontational.

You seem to be laboring under this false dichotomy that your choices are to be a doormat or a thug. That's simply not true. Standing up for yourself does not automatically mean putting others down. In fact I'd argue that building yourself up at the expense of others simply doesn't work.

Here's some recommended reading for you:

u/20172018_Throwaway · 3 pointsr/Divorce
u/Arkw3ll · 3 pointsr/dating_advice

Confidence. It honestly really just comes down to confidence. I suggest you give this a read:

You describe that you are fit, educated, working etc. that means that there is something in your interactions with people or your general behavior that's stopping you or coloring your interest's perspective of you. Since this sounds like a recurring theme, it's safe to say that you are the common denominator in this pattern.

You are 23, so while you should be proud of all of these accomplishments they are not going to win someones heart for you. Most of the people your age are looking for a connection, a distraction, some fun, and if all goes well potentially a relationship. Spend some time thinking about what was happening when you noticed a change in the person you were seeing. See if you can find some clues to change some behavior. I'd be willing to bet you are just taking things really seriously really quickly, which can make someone who is not as serious immediately a little wary of you. I had the same habit at 23, with a similar list of accomplishments. The gods honest truth is that I was so worried about the end goal (relationship) that I wasn't making the journey fun, which causes the journey to end.

u/djrobzilla · 3 pointsr/socialskills

Having dealt with this exact thing myself and mostly overcoming it, I think I may have a helpful perspective. Part of the reason I got emotional standing up to people is exactly because I was bottling up my emotions inside literally ALL the time. I rarely asked for what I wanted. I rarely told people when I had an issue with something they did that I didn't like. I was basically Mr. Nice Guy(tm). When I actually got into a situation where I felt like confrontation was the ONLY option, the built up pressure would explode and I would tear up, resulting in the rather incongruous body and facial language you seemingly experienced.

I am happy to say that recently, this has not been nearly as much of an issue. This is because I had a few self realizations and then practiced to overcome the self limiting beliefs that were bottling me up.

What were those self limiting beliefs?

  • That other's needs are more important than mine.
  • That I require approval from others to have worth.
  • That emotions are best left unexpressed.

    I am still working on overcoming these beliefs today, even though I have made huge strides. It's a process and it's hard work, but the payoff is worth it: Better friendships, easier time meeting and attracting the opposite sex, more comfortable work environment. It improved every area of my life.

    Here was my plan of attack:

  • Ask for what I want more often and ask directly without only hinting that I want that thing. People will respect you for knowing what you want and asking for it without couching it in subtle deceit to retain their approval. I wish I knew this sooner.
  • When people ask me for things, I no longer regard myself as a doormat and simply give give give with no benefit to myself. That only builds up resentment and lack. I started asking for concessions and trades. If I did something for someone, I made sure it benefited both of us, and not just the other person.
  • Took more risks. Risked asking girls out, risked talking to strangers, risked trying new activities and visiting new places

    There's more to cover here that I think could be of help, but this book by Dr. Robert Glover probably has all the info you need:
u/41mHL · 3 pointsr/datingoverthirty

Hey reddit, is there a women's equivalent to No More Mr. Nice Guy?

u/hiigaran · 3 pointsr/getdisciplined

If I may make a recommendation for some reading, there are three very good books that may apply here.

  • Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns. It's a book that teaches you how to do cognitive behavioral therapy for yourself to deal with depression and anxiety, but it's useful pretty much any time you're feeling bad and having repeating negative thought patterns.
  • No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A Glover about how to be more assertive and express you needs and desires properly.
  • Daring Greatly by Brene Brown about the power of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and how it can improve how you feel about yourself and your relationship with other people.

    The three of those books together could do great things to aid your confidence and assertiveness, as well as help you cope with the negative thought patterns that seem to be overwhelming you right now.
u/ColdIceZero · 3 pointsr/TheRedPill

Much of my research has been focused on men who grew up under an emotionally abusive, narcissistic female parent ("Nparent"). Boys with high levels of intelligence who grow up under these conditions develop defense mechanisms to avoid the irrational, and often unpredictable, wrath of their Nparent.

One of these defense mechanisms is a highly developed sense of empathy, or in other words "the ability to understand and share the feelings of others." Children from abusive homes often develop higher-than-normal levels of awareness for other people's emotions as a survival response; because while growing up, a child's well-being was determined by the emotional state of the Nparent, whose mood and behavior could radically and unpredictably shift without warning or provocation. So, these children learn how to observe their Nparent and be aware of their every-changing emotional state at all times.

There are a couple consequences of this. First, many of these children learn how to interact with other people in a disarming way. These sort of children do very well in professional sales environments because they have an advanced ability to "read" people.

Which leads me to a second consequence: primarily being in a state of reaction to other people's actions. If life were a game of chess, you would be black, always reacting to white's first move. Again, as a defense mechanism, children in abusive homes learn strategies to disarm or satisfy their Nparent. Since the Nparent is always on the offensive and the child is always on defense, everything the child is trained to do is counter, repel, or otherwise disarm the actions of others. And these children can become very well adept at developing strategies to anticipate the needs of others.

So while the bulk of these boys' training is as a reaction to the wants and needs of others, these boys are not taught how to be in charge, how to identify and exert their own wants and needs in a relationship in a healthy way. In every relationship, there is a leader and there is a follower. Your relationship training growing up has always been to be reactionary, to be a damn good follower because your survival depended on it.

Now, you are dating, and women are looking for a leader in the relationship. The problem is that you don't have any training on how to be a leader in relationships. Like a fish in water, your whole world growing up has been focused on being the best survivor you can be, and that has meant being the best listener, the best reactor, the best follower you can be because you never knew what it meant to be in control.

Shifting gears into being on the opposite side of that fence, by being the person whose Will is exerted instead of being the person upon whom someone else's Will is exerted, is difficult. It's like riding a bike for the first time: no matter how many books you read on riding a bike, you're still going to fall the first few times. Becoming comfortable as a leader in a relationship is learning experience. It takes time to explore what that means for you and what that means to the women who follow you.

Diving deeper, if you grew up in this sort of environment, you know what it means to be taken advantage of; you've seen what it means for a person to manipulate some unsuspecting individual into fulfilling the manipulator's desires. Like a used-car salesman, you may view the whole experience of "using your magic" to get other people to do what you want as coercive, as something negative. You feel bad because maybe you feel like you're taking advantage of these women; and knowing how badly it sucks to be taken advantage of, you feel uncomfortable escalating things because of it. You haven't necessarily been so accommodating to others because you wanted to, you've done it as a means of survival, because you've had to in order to avoid punishment. You can't fathom or haven't considered the reality that there are people out there who genuinely desire to support others, not out of a sense of avoiding pain but because they truly feel a desire to support the fulfillment of someone else's Will.

If any of this applies to you, then here's my advice: first, recognize that you've been playing the part of the follower in relationships. Your approach has been reactionary, to anticipate the needs of others in order to satisfy those needs, as you feel a good partner should. The problem with this approach is that it requires the other person to have definitive needs. If they don't have needs that can be defined, then you won't know what to do; and nothing you do will satisfy them.

This might explain some issues you've had with LTRs in the past. There's the ongoing joke that if you ask a woman "what would you like to have for dinner?," her response is ____. You already know the stereotypical response (it's "I don't know", if you didn't already guess). While publicly men will lament about female indecisiveness, TRP explains that women aren't interested in making the decision about dinner because they've already made the only decision that matters: they chose you. Now, it's your job to decide what's for dinner; it's your responsibility to figure out what you both are doing tonight; she depends on you to take the lead. And since she's waiting for you to exert your Will, she often doesn't have definitive wants to satisfy. This may very well be the reason why you kept expecting insight from previous LTRs on what you should be doing for them, all the while they were becoming frustrated with you because you were not exhibiting the very same indicators that you sought from her.

Second, you need to learn how to be a leader in relationships, learn how to be in control. There are strong, positive leaders and there are shitty, negative leaders. Realize that exerting your Will in a relationship is not inherently bad thing. There are ways to do it positively. Women seek this strong leadership in relationships with a man. Just like you presently react to someone else to satisfy their needs, women desire to do that exact thing for you. So if you're not exerting your Will in a relationship, then your relationship with her will invariably fall apart.

So get over feeling bad about exerting your Will. Realize that a huge percentage of women desire to support the Will of a strong man. This desire is so ingrained that a surprising quantity of women admit to sexually fantasizing about being raped. This psychology tells us that even under what we might consider to be the most severe of circumstances (being raped), a situation that you would overwhelmingly consider to be "bad," many women still generally sexually fantasize about being "taken" and satisfying a man's Will by his force. By being a man who exerts his Will, you are quite actually giving women what they truly seek: a man who knows what he wants and ACTS on it. So in your chess game with women, be the white piece and make the first move; let them react to you, your desires, your Will. They want you to take charge, and you're hurting yourself and disappointing them when you don't.

Final thoughts, pick up copies of these two books: (1) "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, and (2) "Models" by Mark Manson. First read No More Mr Nice Guy.

u/_uncarlo · 3 pointsr/niceguys

There's a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which I recommend to all the nice guys (like I used to be) out there.

And for Rick & Morty fans. This is exactly what Rick tells Jerry in the episode "The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy".

u/iamcornholio · 3 pointsr/IAmA


>At what point do you think you have a problem with porn? And fapping?

After reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" this book was spot on in describing me as a person and I simply knew that it was right when I read in it about sexual problems guys like me have.

>Do you think that those problems are the reason why you are virgin?

You mean fapping/porn/alcohol? Partially yes, but I think my social anxiety/retardedness are much more of a problem. This is why I mentioned therapy, I still have a long way to go and I won't be able to do it alone.

>Do you think that with all of those things out of your life you'll be more successful at getting your sexual needs met in a more healthy manner?

I hope so, I simply think that those were steps I needed to make if I ever want to be happy. If you're interested this post talks about this in more depth, point 1) is especially relevant I think.

>What is your opinion on those things in moderation? Do you think you are capable of enjoying them in moderation?

Alcohol - no way, I am a son of an alcoholic. Porn - the post I mentioned above should clarify this. Masturbation - yep, I intend to go back to fapping this week and continue to do it once or maybe twice a week in a healthy manner.

u/hyperrreal · 3 pointsr/PurplePillDebate

> I just want equal opportunity, and part of that is not shoehorning men and women into specific roles.

There is a reason why Margaret Mead described the connection between mother and child, and the female role in the family, as a 'biological fact'. In many ways motherhood is the dominant feature of mammalian life. Significant psychological evidence shows the connection between psychological dysfunction, unhappiness, etc and lack of early connection with the mother. The only reference I think of off the top of my head is Facing Codependence but I have seen it all over.

Equal opportunity is a nice goal in theory, and I think we are getting closer. But at some point reality intrudes. We need to reproduce at a certain level to maintain society, and we need women involved in their children's lives at a young age.

u/Krysmphoenix · 3 pointsr/polyamory

So I'm going to toss this here, as a friend confronted me about some codependency issues I was having (outside of polyamory), and it helped push everything into a framework with vocabulary that's helped a ton.

Something big to take away is that people very rarely hurt other people on purpose. Most people are understanding and can be reasoned with, including your partner and his other partners. It's totally acceptable to want to sit down with them to clear things up and make sure you're all on the same page.

u/subpoena_medina · 3 pointsr/MomForAMinute

The fact that you're trying to mend it makes all the difference and makes you a bigger person. You're awesome! And you are a good boy. I'm proud of you. You're doing great.

If you're a reader I recommend Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Helped me a lot.

Sending love your way xx

u/visibleinvisible · 3 pointsr/asktrp

> I dress well now, almost have the body I want, make close to 95,000 a year, but obviously still need to improve in order to be able to attract women.

You may not attract women of the calibre you desire, but I have no doubt that you attract women. If you perceive yourself a solid 7, you expect HB7s and HB8s -- which is perfectly reasonable. If you perceive yourself a 5 (even if you really are a 7), the HB7s and HB8s will intuit the disparity and disparage you accordingly.

>More frustratingly, I am beginning to realize how really important raw physical attractiveness is.

This is your insecurity speaking. You are wrong, wrong, wrong. If I may say so, your self-confidence is absolute shit. Who did what to you that made you so self-loathing?

I infer from your comments that you need this book more than life itself:

u/mattdan79 · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

I'm very much like you. A year ago I was suicidal.
I'm here to tell you there is a way out!

I would seriously look into your Codependant issues. You are not a bad guy but you have to see. No one forced you to get into a relationship with this sick person, no one held a gun to your head and made you stay. You can keep pointing the finger at her but at the end of the day you have to realize that you keep putting yourself in harms way. You even see how you attract the crazies on OKC.

  1. Cut off all unneeded contact with her. If you have no shared assets or children this should be a matter of just divvying up your stuff. The less contact the sooner you get better

  2. I highly suggest you read these two books and find some support groups in your area -- you don't want to replace one codependant relationship with another!

    Give yourself a break! You just need a change of perspective. In a year you can be so much happier. I know it doesn't seem it now but if you take this opportunity to convert all that pain to growth and understanding you will be so happy! All the best OP! Keep us in the loop.
u/ilikesquash2 · 3 pointsr/asktrp

read "No More Mr.Nice Guy - DR. Robert Glover"

In it he explains "The opposite of crazy is still crazy."
Let me help illustrate that like this, Take a guy who meticulously washes his car, freaks out about a small piece of dirt, Crazy. Now the opposite of that guy is A person who never cleans their car and has it filled with garbage like a hoarder, also CRAZY. So long story short, If you are a nice guy, being an asshole will not help you.

Good Luck out there!

u/ColdEiric · 3 pointsr/INTP

> I don't want to be a hothead spaz but I also don't want to be a pussy.

Do you think it's time for 'No More Mr Nice Guy', by Robert A. Glove? What do you say?

u/ThisAdorableSOB · 3 pointsr/MGTOW

No More Mr Nice Guy was the book I was referring to - hopefully other commenters can offer more examples.

I've been reading A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy & Enchiridion by Epicurus for some easy-to-digest MGTOW philosophy which has crossed nicely into the mainstream. For fiction I'd hugely recommend Whatever by Michel Houellebecq & Lights Out in Wonderland by DBC Pierre (one of my all-time favourites.)

To be fair, Bukowski can be read to help with the "Don't Give A Fuck" attitude that can help build your confidence. He tends to see women without the rose-tinted glasses, to put it delicately. He's written lots of poetry but his novels are the best. Bluebird is one of my favourite poems by him. Post Office is one of his great novels.

That's all I can think of for now.

u/Eltakiam · 3 pointsr/depression

Your post screams Nice Guy Syndrome. I've been there and it sucked more than eight years out of me. You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. This book really helped me change the way I see these things.

u/Mewmute · 3 pointsr/dating_advice

Go and work out everyday, eat healthy food like bananas, blueberries and dark chocolate, stay away from tobacco, alcohol and drugs, also try this book if you think you can relate to what its about

u/ChickensDontClap90 · 3 pointsr/booksuggestions

I'd recommend How to Win Friends & Influence People as well as No More Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm of the opinion that you can't be taught how to be a nice person, just as you can't be taught how to be a mean person; it's more a matter of genetics, surroundings, experiences, and introspection. I do think that people can be taught how to act nice or, to put it gentler, taught to comport themselves in a more sociable manner.

How to Win Friends is an obvious choice in that regard. No More Mr. Nice Guy I think would be good because the general thesis is that you don't don't have to be a pushover to be considered nice.

u/key402 · 3 pointsr/asktrp

You need to read the book titled No More Mr. Nice guy.

Every behavior you've mentioned, this book covers. There is even one chapter that talks about how people with the nice guy syndrome tend to seek out women that have underlying issues, because they think with their love and support they can rehabilitate them.

It sounds like your emotional outbursts are because you are being a nice guy and letting your anger build up when you don't get your way. You need to learn to live for yourself and set expectations with people, so that they know what you want and expect from them.

I used the be in your shoes, and your behavior is the perfect example of why nice guys aren't really even nice. They just hide their intent, and then get angry when things don't go their way.

u/iceet · 3 pointsr/TheRedPill

I have read the Way of the Superior Man and the Manipulated Man. Both are excellent. Here are two that I recommend:

Sex-Ploytation by Matthew Fitzgerald

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

u/crazyex · 3 pointsr/Divorce

I did not read OP history, but if your assessment is correct, OP needs to read this

u/allforumer · 3 pointsr/ForeverAlone

I was this guy. I'd go miles out of my way to help friends while making it seem like it was no big deal. Then I'd suffer pangs of despair when they weren't there for me when I needed help. This was rather depressing, on top of being FA on the romantic front.

Understand that most people assume that you don't have anything important to do when you're helping them and that you will speak up if you can't fit them in your schedule. Learning to say no will be hard at first and make them resent you initially, but your mental well being depends on it.

This book helped me a lot. Read it if you can.

u/Draknodred · 3 pointsr/seduction

This is very true. I just finished reading No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover and it pretty much goes over these exact things. If you want a good book to read and help figure this out for yourself I recommend that one.

No need for everyone to get so upset, this doesn't apply to everyone but if it does apply you probably don't realize it. I didn't until my relationship of two years came crashing down and I didn't blame anyone but her. Learning about this weeks after I realized there's a lot more crap going on that I made myself not notice.

It's a bit of a misnomer with the name, people aren't saying to be an asshole. It's more about being yourself without seeking approval in women, being able to be a nice/good person without the hidden expectation that good things will happen to you because you are so nice and good.

A lot of it you would never notice normally because it seems normal to you. You are a great person right? So what's wrong? You're probably being a "great" person for the wrong reasons, for other people and not for yourself. Putting other people first all the time but then getting internally frustrated later on when your needs are not met. It just creates a cycle of frustration and anger, then the deceit comes.

It's easy to dismiss and not everyone is this way but it's still fairly common these days. Just be open to the idea and do some research, if you're one of these kind of people then you'll be happy you found out before it was too late. It's easy to dismiss as people wanting you to be an asshole but that's not what it's about.

Even if you don't want to be a PUA it's still one of the most important realizations you can make in your life.

u/new_to_cincy · 3 pointsr/relationships

Try reading Toxic Parents, it is a gem of a book and really opened my eyes...

u/DistantRaine · 3 pointsr/AdultChildren

I would suggest a few things - ACA meetings are fantastic!

But there's a lot of places that don't have one.... so...

Get yourself a therapist.

The following books might be helpful (in order): Silent Sons by Ackerman, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, The ACA Workbook - (this one is full of journalling questions, and you can do it by yourself or with a therapist), and Codependent No More by Beattie.

Edit: a word

u/_hatemymind_ · 3 pointsr/depression

i totally agree with LanceTheGiant, and i'd like to add that this book might help you address your relationship with your mother and help you find ways to cope with it, good luck and stay strong!

u/allusium · 3 pointsr/BPDSOFFA

It seems likely that she may have a personality disorder. The behavior you describe would make life difficult for any child. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with her acting like this while you were growing up, and it sounds like you are still dealing with her acting out.

Have you read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson? If not, it may help you identify more of her behaviors and understand how they may have affected you. Lawson describes various ways that BPD can be expressed that can appear different on the surface but are all tied to the same disorder.

It's awfully hard to love someone who is so emotionally volatile. One thing I've found helpful is to establish and enforce boundaries that will give you space to be a healthy person, to be yourself rather than an extension of her. The book Boundaries by Clound and Townsend is an excellent introduction to the idea and can teach you how to begin setting boundaries.

Ultimately, though, your mom may choose to not respect your boundaries, in which case you will need to create separation from her in order to be emotionally safe and healthy.

u/jolie178923-15423435 · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

>I'm convinced I can love him back to that state if I can just get him over these hangups.

OK, learn this right now: you cannot "love" him out of his weird misogyny and whatever else is going on here. You cannot change ANYONE but yourself, ever. That alone is an uphill battle. He needs intensive therapy and he needs to WANT to change.

Literally the ONLY option you have is to stay or go. I strongly recommend that you go, because this guy has problems.

>all women (his words) are sending nudes, filming themselves having sex, having threesomes and cheating on their boyfriends. I've tried explaining to him that he was sheltered and doesn't know what he's talking about but he just dismisses me.

edit: you need this book:

u/deepestbluedn · 3 pointsr/videos

For those interested in understanding addictions and motivations behind them, I suggest you read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by M.D. Gabor Maté.

u/blenderhead · 3 pointsr/Drugs

I've been struggling with opiate addiction for over a decade. I've done NA, seen therapists, worked inpatient programs, and read a ton of books on the subject. If you truly want to stop (and it sounds like you do) it is possible for you to do so, but it will take dedication on your part. There are no simple solutions in most cases like these.

First, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a weak, stupid, or a bad person. Addiction doesn't arise because you made the mistake of taking too many pills. You just happened to be unfortunate enough to come across a narcotic or form of behavior that alleviates some degree of unresolved, persistent antagonism/stress in you life (this is the real disease, the drug use is the symptom). And since these drugs are plentiful, or you were bound to have a tooth pulled at some point, don't fault yourself for using. It was bound to happen and from the sound of it, like so so many other people out there, it seems you're prone to addictive behavior.

Everyone thinks their too smart, too special, or just too much of a bad ass for this to happen to them. I thought that way and I've met hundreds of other addicts who thought the same. The irony here isn't that everyone who thinks they're special is actually sadly cliche (though true), it's that you're likely special in some other way that you haven't quite realized. Most of the hardcore addicts I've met fall into two categories, abused or underused i.e.;they've been the victims of an abusive childhood or they're people with high degrees of unknown and unfulfilled potential.

Considering you've done one of the bravest things possible for an early user such as yourself--admitting you have a problem--I'm gonna say you're likely in the second category. You've already shown your character in a very positive light. Be proud of yourself, and more importantly, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes on this journey, but so far you're off to an early and promising start, if you maintain your resolve.

The first trick for someone like you is going to be to stop using, completely. In the short term, you've received some great advice, eat non-fatty foods, exercise as much as you can, get rid of your stash, etc.. You're already through the worst of your withdraw. You're a light user and shouldn't feel any discomfort after 3 to 5 days. But understand this, what you felt wasn't even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to withdraw. The discomfort, sleeplessness, and despair you felt can be a hundred times worse (and lasting up to two weeks) for a pill popper after just a year. Remember, it's not always about how much you use, but how long as well. And I won't even bother to describe the misery of IV use, as you seem like a smart kid, you can do the math.

Long term, you're real difficulty is probably going to be in finding a support network to help you stay the fuck away from opiates. Because though they may mean well, parents and friends usually aren't up to the challenge. Even if they want to, they often just can't understand why you feel compelled to use. The best people to consult are either other addicts in recovery or professionals, either of which hopefully works in tandem with the love and support of your friends and family.

NA is a great place to start for most people humble enough to admit they have a problem, but I can't stress the need to find the right group more. So if you go this route, go to as many different meeting as possible, on different nights and at different places so you find folks you're comfortable with. I used to think NA was just a bunch of Bible thumping ex cons and I couldn't have been more wrong. Stay away from Narcanon though, they're sponsored by Scientology. You're better off staying on the pills in that case. ;-)

If you're too shy for NA or just can't find the right group, look into specialized addiction therapists. But generally steer clear of anyone working directly with the criminal justice system, you're not a criminal, so don't let anyone treat you like one.

If you're not ready to share your problem with anyone face to face quite yet (just don't make the mistake I did and wait years to do so), pick up some books about addiction to help clear up all the bad information you've been indoctrinated with on the topic, as I assume you grew up here in the States. My personal favorite is Dr. Gabor Mate's In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

Beyond that, you're also welcome to message me if you have any specific questions. I've been exactly where you are today, so I truly feel for your predicament. If I can be of any assistance, please don't hesitate to ask.

u/SlimLES · 3 pointsr/OpiatesRecovery

I understand what you are saying. It is frustrating, feeling like you are constantly fighting an internal war against yourself. I second DF. Seek outside help and support. The only reason not to tell your parents is you're worried about facing the consequences of your actions, not because you're worried about them. You're doing the thing they were / are worried about, you're just not being honest about it. Especially if you are still living with them or otherwise receiving their support, you owe them the truth. "The truth shall set you free." It will be a relief to stop living a lie. If your parents are anything like mine they love you very much and just want you to get better. The reason it is important to get help is because, to oversimplify it, your brain is compromised from within. You cannot rely on it alone to get you out of addiction.

I'd honestly suggest picking up a few books on addiction. They really helped me understand what was going on inside my brain and clear up a lot of the frustrating mysteries, not to mention reading helped pass the time during detox. Check out In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts

u/qui9 · 3 pointsr/OpiatesRecovery

Chasing the Scream by Johann Hari and In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate are my suggestions.

u/trippinglydotnet · 3 pointsr/Psychonaut

Start with: How to Change Your Mind (start with this detailed annotated summary). The pop culture starting point these days. The summary is all you need to read to understand the entire book but the book is well worth the time.

After that you'll have more ideas where to do. Below is a lot of stuff. I've watched/read all of them, so happy to answer any questions/give more guidance.


Study the "classics" by taking a look at these (skim the long ones to start):

Seeking the Magic Mushroom (first western trip report on mushrooms)

My 12 Hours As A Madman (another historically important trip report)

The Psychedelic Experience: A Manual Based On The TIbetan Book of the Dead (classic book on guided trips)

LSD My Problem Child by Albert Hoffman

Al Hubbard: The Original Captian Trips


Docs to Watch:

The Sunshine Makers (documentary)

Orange Sunshine (documentary)

Aya: Awakenings (documentary)

Dirty Pictures (documentary)

A New Understanding: The Science of Psilocybin (documentary)

Hoffmans Potion (documentary): r/"


And a whole lot of others:



The Psychedelic Explorer’s Guide – James Fadiman
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction – Gabor Mate
Storming Heaven: LSD and the American Dream – Jay Stevens
Psychedelic Psychiatry: LSD from clinic to campus – Erika Dyck
The Natural Mind: A Revolutionary Approach to the Drug Problem – Andrew Weil
Acid Hype: American News Media and the Psychedelic Experience – Stephen Siff
Acid Dreams: The complete social history of LSD – Martin A. Lee and Bruce Shlain
Drugs: Without the Hot Air – David Nutt
A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life – Ayelet Waldman
Neuropsychedelia: The Revival of Hallucinogen Research Since the Decade of the Brain – Nicolas Langlitz
The Harvard Psychedelic Club: How Timothy Leary, Ram Dass, Huston Smith, and Andrew Weil Killed the Fifties and Ushered in a New Age for America – Don Lattin


Terence McKenna discusses the stoned ape theory

A Conversation on LSD – In a video from the late 1970s, Al Hubbard, Timothy Leary, Humphry Osmond, Sidney Cohen and others reflect on LSD’s heyday

Alison Gopnik and Robin Carhart-Harris at the 2016 Science of Consciousness Conference

The Future of Psychedelic Psychiatry – a discussion between Thomas Insel and Paul Summergrad

Documents, Articles & Artifacts

Al Hubbard’s FBI file

Remembrances of LSD Therapy Past – Betty Grover Eisner’s unpublished memoir about her role in developing psychedelic therapy

LSD, Insight or Insanity – Transcript of excerpts from hearings of the Subcommittee
on the Executive Reorganization of the Senate Committee on Government Operations [concerning federal research and regulation of LSD-25] May 24, 1966

The Brutal Mirror: What an ayahuasca retreat showed me about my life —A Vox writer’s first-person account


Forums Includes experience reports, discussion of spirituality, ecology, healing, and recovery by means of the vine are collected here. A place to learn from members of ayahuasca churches, as well as a few foreign language channels.

Bluelight: A 20 year old online harm reduction forum that fosters open and factual discussion of drugs and provides support for those seeking recovery from addiction.

DMT Nexus: A hub for underground psychedelic research on botanical sources of tryptamines and other psychedelic compounds.

5Hive: A newer forum devoted specifically to 5-MeO-DMT — synthetic, botanical or toad-derived.

Mycotopia: All things mycological — discussions of edible, wild, and psychoactive fungi.

The Shroomery: A forum  devoted to cultivating psilocybin-containing mushrooms and sharing trip reports.

TRIPSIT: A 24/7 online harm reduction resource.  Users can chat instantly with someone about their drug experience, or questions they may have about about the safe(r) use of a wide variety of controlled substances.

u/amnsisc · 3 pointsr/LosAngeles

Let's see:

For a wealth of data but a perspective of addiction which actually disagrees with what I say (though they are selective in their interpretation) there's this:

The standard primer on neurobiology of addiction is this:

For a biopsychosocial perspective, there's this:

By the same author but for a popular audience is this:

Another popular, critical book:

Another popular take:

For the history of junkies in the us:

A global one:

Primer on Harm Reduction:

Primer on drugs and drug policy, quite neutral:

A book on the legalization of drugs:

Another, economic take, on legalization:

Sociology of drugs in the US:

Psychopharmacology primer intro:

A criticism of the concept of addiction:

Some more esoteric but interesting stuff on epigenetics, neuroscience etc:

A great book on the anthropology of drugs (this author also writes a lot of smaller papers too):

u/lewaaaaaa · 3 pointsr/leaves

Here are some things I think may help:

u/xmasshole · 3 pointsr/Parenting

Give "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr. Gabor Mate a read. It may teach you a lot about addiction that can assist you with your reactions to him, and also help you understand what effect being raised by an addict (even one parent) can have on the baby's developing brain. Increasing the baby's risk for addiction. Encourage him to read it to, but recognize you can't make him.

Consider Al Anon for families of alcoholics and addicts, and at a minimum read some of their material.

You neither want to enable nor to assume that you can nag him out of addiction. He may have told you he would be different because he very much wants/wanted to be, but the brain channels that entrench addiction are very, very, very powerful.

u/IndependentRoad5 · 3 pointsr/stopdrinking

This clip may be helpful. The documentary is very good. The person in this clip, Gabor Mate, also has an excellent book you might be interested. Fair warning it has Louis CK in the first part of the video.

u/Neveren · 3 pointsr/AdultChildren

You're fine just the way you are. You don't owe anyone anything for liking you. And people like you because of who you are. Let things play out, your friends will appreciate your company. I can quote you something out of this Book: "..One aspect of this is how some people are able to successfully maintain a negative self-image when there is evidence to the contrary. This is how it works. If anything goes wrong, it is your responsibility. Somehow, you should have done it differently and things would have been better. Anything that goes right has to do with something other than yourself. It was going to happen that way anyway. Or, if it is very clear that you are the one who is responsible for a positive outcome, you dismissed it with, "Oh that was easy. That was of little consequence." This is really not a sense of humility but a distortion of reality. It feels safer to keep a negative self-image because you are used to it. Accepting praise for being competent means changing the way you see yourself and means that maybe you can judge yourself a little less harshly-and be a little more accepting and say, "I made that mistake; however, I am not a mistake." :) Like i said, you are fine just the way you are.

u/lizzy70 · 3 pointsr/AskReddit

this is an amazing book that will help you understand certain behaviors you may have have developed to cope with your alcoholic parent. It has done wonders for my husband. I recommend reading it and wish you luck.

*edit for spelling errors

u/grrl101grrl · 3 pointsr/FamilyIssues

When all you know is abuse it is hard to question leaving it. This is all you know.

My love please continue to just look out just for you. Your family does not deserve you and you dear do deserve love and respect.

Please try to find a support group in the USA to help you find your inner strength. Adult Children of Alcoholics is for anyone who has dealt with family dysfunction and on going abuse, whether there was alcohol or drugs involved. You will find support at these meetings.

You can search for meetings in your area here:

Or order this book online...this book saved me:

No one deserves to be treated this way. Sending you many blessings and much love from Canada. Please come to Canada if you feel unsafe elsewhere. Much love

u/gnomemania · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Also, check out the book Adult Children of Alcoholics when you have some free time. Even though you're still a teen, you might find a lot of things resonate with you already.

u/jaogiz · 3 pointsr/AlAnon

The book 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' by Janet Woititz opened my eyes to why I feel/act like I do, being a child of an alcoholic. It's a short book; I suggest you or your girlfriend read through it (you can get it for $1 on eBay). Read the reviews online for how it helped other people, too. I had this...warm feeling of acceptance, from myself, as I started to read this book. I couldn't believe how it KNEW how I felt inside, how I (incorrectly) pictured the way other people perceived me.

I found this website while searching for this book: They also have a different book they're selling on there and it got very good reviews online also.

u/fuck_gawker · 3 pointsr/ValhallaChallenge

Carne's Out Of The Shadows was one of the first books I read when I began this journey. It helped me to understand that I wasn't alone, that other people have gotten themselves in and out of the mess that I had gotten myself into, and that that they (including all of you here) could help me to find the way out.

u/HoyAIAG · 3 pointsr/Marriage

My wife is in a 12 step program for sex addiction. I would recommend for you either Alanon or Coslaa. Also some helpful books:

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

u/FacepalmExpress · 3 pointsr/AskReddit

Level 2 Sex addict (not offender)

(from Pat Carnes' book Out of the Shoadws)

u/SleuthViolet · 3 pointsr/addiction

One of the free programs I know of that might help you is [SLAA] ( - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - in my experience it's mostly sex addicts who go not love addicts - including people with prostitute addictions. There is also SAA- Sex Addicts Anonymous, heard that it's good too or in combination. They're both based on the 12 steps and traditions of AA but with some differences and obviously no one is expected to give up sex for life. If you go, try to keep an open mind, check out different meetings not just one and "take what you like and leave the rest" - you don't have to like or agree with all of it to get a lot out of it over time plus you'll get to be with people who won't judge you and who will likely even understand or relate. Sex addicts I've encountered in my years have highly recommended the books of Patrick Carnes though I haven't read any myself. A book I have read that I thought was great, short and to the point is Escape From Intimacy. Good luck with your journey to sane living.

u/ceramicfiver · 3 pointsr/NoFap

"Only downvote things that are abusive and/or off-topic."

>This man is similar to the mold that grows on the backside of a toilet which has not been cleaned in years.

How respectful of you.

>I'm not trying to diss the fellow, that's just what he is.

So you give yourself an excuse to diss him because he is supposedly dissing himself? I swear I've heard the same argument come from homophobes.

This is why I downvoted you, and the final straw of why I'm unsubscribing from this sub.

Clearly, you are extrapolating far too much about a person from a single image, only to carry out your own narrative about masturbation being inherently bad. I'm well aware that "not judging" somebody is effectively impossible but we can at least take steps to THINK about what we say before we say it. And by submitting your comment you're continuing the culture of religious fanaticism that this subreddit has decayed into. This is not 17th century Puritan New England and doesn't have to be. Just because we find masturbation as unhealthy for our personal well-being doesn't mean the rest of the world shouldn't do it.

To continue the religion metaphor, this subreddit is a giant circle jerk over the Your Brain On Porn series like Christian Fundamentalists obsess over the Bible. /r/NoFap offers few other venues for help although there are many out there like Carnes, Collins, Keystone Center and similar in-patient programs, and simply studying human sexuality to gain a better understanding of it. A peek at what the scientific data have to say about our particular issues can tell us why we're going through what we are rather than what to do about it. I may not believe in free will, but I’m a firm believer that knowledge changes perspective, and perspective changes absolutely everything. Once you have that, you don’t need anyone else’s advice.

Meanwhile, I've seen posts and comments here hyping up ridiculous claims of pseudo-scientific "energy" that you get from not masturbating. You will not save the world or cure cancer and glorifying and idolizing each other like this is a disservice to what the actual science suggests.

I'm also sick of the "only doing it for attention" meme. Just because he has your attention doesn't mean he's after it. People labeled as attention grabbers often are simply expressing their individual differences for the sake of fun yet people like you and Flatbar hammer him down as a bent nail rebelling against conformity.

Furthermore, the rampant sexism in this sub from men thinking they deserve women after so many days without masturbating is sickening. Posts and comments in /r/nofap have simplified women into false dichotomies and ridiculed them for enticing the supposed male brain, blaming women for fapstronauts' own problems.

All this and more has continued despite being called out many times since I first subscribed a year-and-a-half ago yet the moderators have done effectively nothing to curtail it besides listing various rules on the sidebar and rarely enforcing them. This has gone so far down hill that /r/nofapcirclejerk has sprouted into existence. When a circlejerk of a sub appears you know the original sub has decayed. Not to mention citing SAA as a worthwhile alternative is just as off the line since the 12-step program has effectively a zero success rate as most people who attempt it fail to find success and it continues to discriminate against non-believers.

Goodbye, /r/NoFap

u/AddictionPro · 3 pointsr/addiction

I understand how much shame you're feeling, and how difficult it is to share with anyone in your life. Good for you for recognizing that something is wrong. Also, I agree with your instinct -- get help -- or it will get worse. Try starting with this book: [Out of the Shadows] (, or anything else you can find written by Patrick Carnes. There's a ton of great help out there for you. You're definitely not alone in this. Good luck to you.

u/weekendatmorts · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

also check out The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us Paperback – April 15, 2013
I found it to be incredibly clear and enlightening toward helping me understand how being raised by a narcissist affects my behavior today, thus increasing my awareness and giving me more of a chance to make a conscious choice about my behaviors. It's helped me firm up my boundaries and stop some codependent tendencies I have developed.

u/Paul-ish · 3 pointsr/sex

Make him read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

u/Chummin · 3 pointsr/sexover30

So you've gotten in better shape, but your still crawling around on all 4 begging for her attention. News Flash - Needy people are so much work and a turn off at the end of the day.

I wore your exact shoes a few years ago and was at the door of divorce. Today we both agree that had either one of us brought up the bid D word, it probably would have happened.

Ask yourself while looking in the mirror - Are you the man that attracted her 14 years ago when she clawed at you? What were you like back then?

Most answers are the same - Spontaneous, Energetic, Played sports, Built things with your hands, had an ego, could change the world, had no time for needy people, energetic, life of the party, social leader, ect.

Heres the part that might sting a little - but stop trying to change other people. They owe you nothing and you don't own them. Once you're truly happy internally and loving yourself that you will begin to see others want to be around you. When you give off that vibe that you have your world under control and nothing fazes you, people want to be a part of that because it's attractive.

Find a hobby, play some sports, spend time in the garage building something, take care of shit at home because you want to, not because you think it will change someone else. Never expect anything in return for what you do in and out of the house. Improve YOU and others WILL notice.

Read this book as the first step:

Look, I know how you feel and it breaks my heart to read these stories - but please take what I typed with a grain of salt and really look internally for that change you want. It may not fix your marriage, but it puts you on the roadmap and the right frame of mind going forward.

I took this advice 3-4-5 years ago - today we are so freaking open in our conversations it's crazy hot, sex has been better than ever before, and we are planning vacations, ect. The house is clean, the kids are happy, and we glow when we go out. In fact we glow so damn much people are always all over us at parties ect.

Start leading, stop following.

u/SpiegoLeDiscussioni · 3 pointsr/italy
u/TheStoicCrane · 3 pointsr/TheRedPill

This book was made for guys like you struggling with childhood trauma. Read it and it may change the way you feel about life and your past turmoil.

u/kthrowaway321 · 3 pointsr/seduction

Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy it really helps you put things into perspective and mentions ways to get out of those habit. It helped change my paradigm shift. Don't think of the book as turning yourself into an asshole, its more about respecting yourself and doing things you want to do, others will follow.

u/daLeechLord · 3 pointsr/dating_advice

You should definitely work on your 'inner game'. If you aren't confident, you're gonna have a bad time. If you feel like you are bugging people when you talk to them, you will broadcast this, and people will feel this way.

The intensity and overinvestment of feelings comes from an insecure, scarcity mindset.

My recommendations:

  1. Stop giving a fuck. Seriously. Don't invest feelings until you start to develop a relationship with someone.

  2. Fake it till you make it. If you're not confident, work on that, be awesome in your life and occasionally let certain people bask in your awesomeness. If you're not there yet, work on that, but you can fake confidence to a certain degree.

  3. Eye contact.
  4. Read this book.

  5. Pay attention to details about how you present yourself. Posture, the way you dress, talk, hygiene, fitness level, etc.

  6. As for asking the girl out, first I would recommend flirting with her. Depending on how she reacts, you can tell if she is (would be) interested in you. Be funny, witty, tease her, etc. Practice this.

  7. Eye contact.

  8. For the date itself, your best bet would be to keep it real casual. Tell her something like "Hey, some friends and I are going to check out this new bar on Thursday, around 8pm. You should join us!" Definitely don't ask her to dinner, too high pressure. Since you chat with this girl regularly, a movie might work, but I wouldn't really recommend it. I would go for something involving alcohol.

  9. If she says no, don't sweat it. Don't get upset, say "Ok, some other time maybe!" or something to that effect.

    Believe me, I used to be like you. I would fall head over heels over every girl I would go out with, and that shit sucks. It puts tremendous pressure on the other person, too. Don't do it.

u/ChickenHead415 · 3 pointsr/dating

You'll never get YOUR needs satisfied by being a "Nice Guy". That term is a joke anyway. I would read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. You seem to have quite a bit of resentment towards women. Also you being a virgin at 33. There's some major issues there.

u/Imbadz · 3 pointsr/socialskills

If that's what you think you are, I can suggest reading No more Mr.Nice Guy. It's the first thing that popped up in my mind as soon as I read the title of your post

u/FinnianWhitefir · 3 pointsr/socialanxiety

The best way to be there and help her the most, would be to work on your codependence and learn some stoicism.

These two books really helped me take a step back, accept that other people are going to live their lives the way they want to live them, and helped me realize how I could best support them without trying to make them do what I thought was best.

If it helps, I finally got some help and therapy by an offhanded "That sounds a lot like depression, you should probably talk to someone about it" from a friend, so you never really know what comment or new idea or helpful word is going to be the final thing to get someone to get help. Just saying, be there and be helpful, but realize it could take years for her to realize that she can get help for it.

u/ChillaximusTheGreat · 3 pointsr/addiction

Also the feelings of guilt are is called co-dependent. Do yours self a favor read up on it. Here is a good book:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

u/thenomadicbear · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

It might be helpful to check out some Al Anon meetings in your area. Without getting into it too much, the behavior patterns a person often creates when they live and love someone with dependency can be detrimental and a barrier to growth within and beyond that relationship. Learning more about how his alcoholism and behaviors have affected you and recovering from that yourself can be a great step toward healing. Also, this book might be really helpful. Good luck with your journey.

u/firephly · 3 pointsr/SupportforSupporters

I'm in a similar situation. What I told my SO is that unless he gets help I won't be able to take it any more. That got him to get help, but then he stopped taking meds and going to counseling, so I had to recently let him know again and he has an appt. If you can, try and get some counseling for yourself too. Also the Book Codependent no more is a great read and a big help.

u/mddede · 3 pointsr/Divorce

Even though you are no longer dealing with the alcoholism you should try reading this book. My therapist suggested it and it changed not only my understanding of the problems but allowed me to find my way out of them as well. Good luck.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Ca...

u/slaughtxor · 3 pointsr/AskWomen

Guy here. I am the exact same way with girls. There is a great book that talks about both aspects of this dynamic, being those like us, and those we frequently end up with due to pathology. The book is called Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. She covers both halves of the story, namely, "love addicts" and "love avoidants." I have other issues that have kept me from reading the whole thing yet, but it seems to hit the nail on the head. Food for thought!

u/AnnaUndefind · 3 pointsr/BPD

Second this, that kind of behavior, depending on context, can be "enabling", by picking up others slack, you are giving them permission to continue slacking off.

[Might I recommend a resource?](

Setting boundaries isn't just necessary with/for others, it's also necessary to set boundaries with yourself.

An example: At work, if someone isn't doing their job, yours (job) isn't to do theirs. They are not going to become more competent, or less lazy, if they have you too do it for them. Why would they? If that bothers you, think of it this way, you are helping them (and your company) more by letting them fail, and getting properly disciplined. Either they will get the message, or your company will find an employee who can do the job.

u/IntentKitten · 3 pointsr/BPD

Oh my LAWD! There's a workbook too!

Book -- Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't

Workbook -- By Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Safe People Workbook

There's also a book on Boundaries!! 🙌🙌
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

u/MrsPotpie · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If you are unsure about boundaries I would totally recommend the Boundaries book. I am reading the Boundaries in Marriage and find it to be so so helpful!! I grew up in a home that basically didn’t have boundaries so the book it a really good education on what you need to do for yourself in a relationship and basically teaching what boundaries are, and why you need them.

Or the one for dating

u/MellaMusic · 3 pointsr/CPTSD

There's actually a book called "Boundaries," a friend recommended it and it helped me a ton! I don't know that I'll ever have "normal/healthy" boundaries, or if that's even possible for any of us, but the book helped me tremendously! Here is is if you want to check it out.

u/phoenixrising8580 · 3 pointsr/family

As someone who has awful family all I can offer is a hug. I am so sorry you are going through this. You can offer your mom advice to not enable their bad behavior. You can love someone and significantly distance yourself for your own sanity. They are all adults and have to make their own life choices. I highly advise reading this book it was life changing for me:

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

u/blackknightxiv · 3 pointsr/TrueChristian

Sounds like you can all use some family counseling. If you can find a marriage and family therapist, go talk to them about your situation, and invite your parents to come along. Sometimes asking someone to join you in counseling is more effective than telling them they need to go to therapy. There's probably more underlying issues that need to be resolved with your folks, and their problems are not your fault.


More immediately for your own well being I suggest you start setting some boundaries with them. You playing mediator with them is a classic triangulation and prevents them from having to deal with their own issues. It is not your job to play go between and is not fair to you. A simple: "I love you, and it is not my place to serve as a go-between" or "I love you and I really think you should talk to Mom/Dad about that" can be very effective in letting them know you do not want be used anymore. I HIGHLY recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend if you need some help in setting healthy boundaries. They are Christians and psychologists and do a great job explaining practical and spiritual ways to improve boundaries. I have training in family therapy and that book taught me a lot.


\> I desperately want to move out but I'm working full time and going to school online full time for my bachelor's and they don't want me to move out until I have my degree.


Question: what's preventing you from moving out? I understand the stress of fulltime work and fulltime school. Been there done that, twice. If you are fiscally able to move out, you are an adult and can go establish your own household. It's not really a matter of what your parents want or don't want; it's a matter of what's best for you. If remaining under their roof is damaging to your mental health, go get an apartment somewhere. It can be good to get out on your own and spread your wings!



u/recov3r · 3 pointsr/NoFap

Dude your identity has been eroded please DONT TAKE HER BACK AGAIN else it will turn out to be the biggest mistake of your life.

If you have not realized its the same cycle every time, Idealize, Devalue and Discard.

First she will idealize you, that you're the best then slowly the phase of devaluing will come with lots of insults everything is your mistake apologize etc. then she will discard you in a blink of an eye.


Your ex falls into one of the Cluster B personality disorder people from the description I feels she Has BPD.

your healing will take time dm me if want someone to talk.


check these books soon you will able to connect all the dots.

u/heavymetalheart00 · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I second everything in this comment. I also did these things and they've helped me immensely. Going back and re-reading our text or Facebook conversations really helped me see just how vapid and boring our conversations were. Not to mention one sided. I had deeper conversations with friends I hadn't seen in years in 15 minutes than I ever did talking to my ex.

One book that really helped me: Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

I know what it's like to have friends who don't understand. I think it's just one of those things that unless you've been in a similar relationship you don't really get it. I mean, they listen and show support but I realized at some point it all just sounds crazy and toxic to them (because it is) and they're tired of hearing about it. That's what a good therapist is there for (or at the very least a supportive community such as this).

u/sea_light_house · 3 pointsr/asktrp

Classical Narcissistic trait. Read this book to educate yourself, for ebook version click here.

u/rebelcreative · 3 pointsr/DID

I am so sorry this happened. You have every right to feel how you feel. You have every right to protect yourselves from this toxicity. This is classic, get others to do their dirty work for them. If they can't reach you, they'll send in people they can manipulate to do it for them. They calculate these things. They actively think about ways to control and manipulate others. She's projecting her ugliness onto you. Your friend was sent in as bait. A pawn sent in retaliation for your going no contact. There are so many books written about this type of abuse. There's one written for victims specifically that helped me understand the psychological abuse in prior relationships as well as how to stay no contact and protect myself. The reason it helps to learn about, is it gives a name to what they are doing and provides you with tools to stay effectively no contact. You deserve your freedom and peace from these toxic people.

u/CaptZ · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I highly recommend Psychopath Free also. It is a great book.

u/Ebomb1 · 3 pointsr/ftm

Are you living independently? What is your relationship with your mother now? What I'm seeing is that you're frightened and scared, and would transition if you felt safe. And what you think would make it safe is if your mother died. That's pretty heavy. Abuse puts your life in a hole and it's hard to climb out when the only option you feel you have is waiting for a person to die.

I think finding freedom from the control your mother had over your past transition decisions would be a practical place to start. Although it's pretty old, Susan Forward's Toxic Parents is still a relevant and accessible book.

u/muinamir · 3 pointsr/hoarding

I can relate to a lot of this. I grew up in a toxic household that gave VERY mixed signals on cleaning and organizing. Your paralysis in cleaning up and completing tasks on time is quite likely due to being neurally wired that way by a fearful and fraught upbringing. It takes directed effort to undo it (often via a trauma-aware therapist) and sometimes also meds.

I dunno if you've read anything about c-PTSD, but if you don't have the means to regularly see a therapist right now, it might help to read up on trauma and its long-term effects. Pete Walker has some good articles on his site. The book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life is also very insightful. And have you seen anyone about your depression? For real, antidepressants helped me a LOT with general motivation.

For learning to stay on task, I found ADD-friendly Ways to Organize Your Life to be super helpful. I've never been diagnosed with ADHD; it was just a really good starting point for someone like me. FlyLady is a very gentle, positive site for learning about how to tidy up, so check that out.

Also, I promise not all Millennials are Konmari minimalists who will judge you forever for having stuff. I've seen all levels of stuff in the homes of people my age or younger. Friends were on the whole way more chill (maybe too chill) than I expected about the condition of my apartment over the years.

u/LawGrl22 · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Have you read this book?

u/Pelirrojita · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It is not your fault.

When I went to therapy, it was for a combination of depression/anxiety/gender dysphoria, but you'd be surprised how much of it comes back to family, and not in a bullshit Freudian way. So while it wasn't about abuse per se, my therapist and I ended up talking about my family every single time.

I'd say it helped. Not in that it changed them (how could it?), but that it helped me see why my parents were the way they were. It helped me understand them, and that helped me forgive them and forge a better relationship with them. (Moving out also helped a shit ton, I can't lie.)

I also recommend the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It gets thrown around on Reddit a lot, and that's where I learned about it, not in therapy, but it is worth the read for a lot of people.

u/NotSuzyHomemaker · 3 pointsr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

Congrats on all the good stuff going on and good for you!

My week via amazon .... would have to be a combination of this and this. Hey, I see the connection there =P

u/tynenn · 2 pointsr/NoFap
u/FuckBitchesGetMoney8 · 2 pointsr/beyondthebump

I remember reading this saga initially and I’ve since gone back and re read before writing this.

You need to cut these people out and don’t feel bad about it. You don’t need them, your husband doesn’t need them, and your daughter certainly doesn’t need them. Don’t feel like they need to be part of your life because they are “family.” This is not worth the amount of personal stress, marital stress, and potential consequences to your family.

FWIW, I’m no contact with my parents for a variety of reasons including their long standing mental health issues and substance abuse. At first when I was struggling with the decision and trying to make things worse I was constantly stressed, and my husband was stressed trying to support me. Fast forward a few years and it’s so much easier — my life is drama free and we don’t have their stress as part of our marriage. I never even told them that we had a baby.

Can you file for a restraining order?

This is a book our pastor recommended to us, we never read it but perhaps you’ll find it helpful:

u/Poignantusername · 2 pointsr/Advice

If you don’t mind it having some religious overtones, you may find this book helpful.

u/misterlumlum · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

people can use the bible to misrepresent so much stuff. (warning: unsoliceted advice) give your parents this book: your parents are not the boss of you, you are the boss of yourself and this shows how the bible helps put boundaries in place to keep you safe. i am so sorry you are going through this. TOTALLY WRONG.

u/procrastinationfairy · 2 pointsr/Christianmarriage

First of all, are you living with them or are you out of the house? Are you married, employed and financially independent?

My mom and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs. Our relationship has gotten much better as I've gotten older. I'd now consider her my BFF. However, it took a lot to get there.

If you are still depending on your parents financially or for a home, they will struggle to see you as an adult. As long as you are on their dime or under their roof, no matter the circumstances, they will see you as entitled and not take your problems seriously.

In my late 20s, I was on my own and living hundreds of miles away from my parents. However, they still paid for my cell phone. That extra $20 became a huge point of contention. After I went over on my data (due to my job), I got my own plan. It cost me $50 a month but it was worth it. My parents treated me with respect. They took my problems and concerns seriously. That one bill sent a signal to my parents that I had reached adulthood.
If you can't move out or need to rely on your parents financially, I would advise you to find another person to confide in. It's natural to want to turn to our moms for advice and share our burdens. However, it sounds like you are in a growing pains stage. Your relationship might not be able to handle it right now. Turn to a friend or another woman at church for advice or pursue counseling.

I highly recommend Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's a Christian book that is highly respected by the secular world for how to handle difficult relationships.

u/FalseCarob · 2 pointsr/BPD

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life


Also, make more friends. Your FP should never be your only friend.

u/newbodynewmind · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Poor BIL sounds stuck in the FOG, but without more details it's hard to tell. Pass this book along to SIL: Boundaries.

It's a good read for everyone with the possible Narcissist/BPD/nutcase in their lives.

u/captain_my_captain22 · 2 pointsr/RPChristians

Look up the book Boundries by Cloud and Townsend - Scripture based, very good, helped me solidify my frame.

u/incredulitor · 2 pointsr/Nootropics

OK, I got a few minutes free. So let's start with the stuff you're mentioning specifically about standing up for yourself. That is definitely a good piece of this puzzle to bring into awareness and try to solve for yourself. It will be a huge long term benefit to you to work on, and eventually to the people around you (although they may not end up being the same people that you run with now).

An expert on manipulative and abusive behavior talking about popular misconceptions about what drives the kinds of things you might be seeing in some of the people in your life: (huge playlist but the first 1-2 videos are a good intro to his line of thinking).

By far the best written resource I've ever found on what boundaries are, how to hold them, different ways we can take the wrong approach to them and how to correct that: It's written from a Christian perspective, which for the record is not my belief system, but I still found it extremely useful. It was actually a bit healing for me to read this and regain some potential for respect for people in that community, seeing that there are Christian people who are actually doing this work and making it a part of their life to stand up to abuse, as opposed to the people I grew up with who tended to be overly publicly religious while silent and cowardly in the face of anyone actually mistreating anyone else in the here and now.

My fav youtube channel with a scientifically robust treatment of this stuff: For my particular issues, which might or might not match yours, these two videos in particular were each well worth an hour when you've got it:

Plus as an American I find Aussie accents entertaining and easy to listen to. :)

u/_Marine · 2 pointsr/pcmasterrace

Yeah... I seriously recommend reading this book:

Your family is like my family. And then I started saying "No" and suddenly our relationships are a lot more healthy. Weird

u/karlsmission · 2 pointsr/daddit

I second this, they were a great support with me and my terrible inlaws before we went NC. In addition, read the book boundaries to get some ideas on how to draw the line, and make it very clear, without it being overly emotional.



u/SpicaGenovese · 2 pointsr/Christianity

Read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. You can find a used copy online for cheap. My therapist recommended I read it for a long time, and when I finally did it helped me SO MUCH. Boundaries are a healthy, important, Biblical concept.

u/existido · 2 pointsr/NRelationships

Just read at least one page from this and it's so precise it's mad.
Trust me. Psychopath Free

u/NamasteTacos · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

$10.99 paperback on Amazon delivered in two days, or $9.99 Kindle version. Free Audible Audiobook with Audible trial.

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

u/happsy1818 · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

I’m very happy to hear that you are in therapy. That’s a wonderful thing. None of this was your fault. None of it. Don’t allow yourself to bear the burden of your abusers behaviours. These relationships never start off as being abusive. Manipulators are typically very skilled at making us feel loved, desired and special in the beginning. If they showed their true colours immediately, we would walk away! It’s like boiling a frog. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump away. But if you put a frog in temperate water and slowly bring the temperature up, it will stay in the water until it ultimately boils. This is what abusers do. They progressively increase the temperature. These changes are so incremental and progressive that we don’t even realize it. Have you heard of the book “Psychipath free”? It’s not a clinical/empirical workbook (i.e., not written by mental health professionals), but many abuse survivors find if helpful. Here is the link:

u/Galphanore · 2 pointsr/atheism

>Callous to victims?

..frankly, yes. I suggest you read this book.

u/sparkie_t · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

You might like to think about what to do in the long run - this is a good place to start

u/iphigenia140 · 2 pointsr/actuallesbians

Hey, while my experience isn't too similar, I do come from overbearing parents who still treat me as an inadequate child; I'm 23 and have now found my life partner, but still in the closet.

Your mother is abusive, and I am so sorry you were treated this way. It's also not surprising that you love her and feel heartbroken over this. I've started reading Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents and it's been immensely helpful understanding my dynamic with parents. I've talked to other people who grew up with manipulative/abusive parents and they said this book changed their life, helped them start the path of recovery. Maybe it can help you too. I myself am excited to finish this book.

Also, your experience of being abandoned by your parent then the parent trying to claw back into your life to take your child away from you-- reminded me of this article.

I hope either of these resources give you some help/solace. Don't give up on yourself; what your mother did was horrible-- but you aren't alone. Lots of love to you.

u/davidstuart · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

While mathewferguson's comments are well thought out, and for many people the right response, you need to understand that like it or not, you are emotionally attached to your family. That doesn't mean you have to associate with them if they are a destructive force in your life. But you have to face the fact that it is very emotionally challenging to disown your parents. I would strongly recommend you read the book "Toxic Parents - Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.".

Secondly, since you seem interested in having a family of your own, I would strongly urge you to seek some kind of counseling to help you understand how your own addicted family upbringing is different from a healthier norm. As humans, we tend to default to what we know. For example, it is quite common for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA's) end up marrying alcoholics. You've got some bad stuff hard-wired in your brain, and it will be easy to revert to some of those poor strategies when emotionally challenged (like when your 2 yr old pukes all over the infant!). You undoubtedly had a poor role model while growing up, and it would be worth your time to teach yourself some different default positions, or at least understand the problems your parents faced as addicts and how they didn't cope with those problems. You might consider attending some Al Anon meetings to better understand how addicted parents affect their children.

Congrats for starting down the path of overcoming a difficult past, and best of luck to you!

u/DrTxn · 2 pointsr/exmormon

Book suggestion?

u/UnclePaul50 · 2 pointsr/relationships

The mother is deeply insecure. She's threatened by her loved ones interacting with anyone else on a deep emotional level, so she tries to disrupt those relationships. Controlling people is the only way she knows to deal with her own insecurities.

Honestly, there's not much you can do about the mom directly. She's lived her whole life this way, and if her husband can't even negotiate a way to see his own sister, you, as an outsider, are not going to have any luck convincing her to accept you as her daughter's partner.

What frequently happens in these situations is that the child, finally realizing that she needs to live her own life, will cut off contact with the controlling parent for a period of time. Without severing the contact, it's too easy to fall back into old patterns. Sometimes this lasts 6 months. Sometimes it lasts 10 years. It all depends on the people and the relationships.

From your description, my guess is that your fiancee is not ready to take that step. But the ball is really in her court. She has to decide if she's going to live for herself or for her mother.

The only thing you might be able to do is buy her a book on the subject to get her thinking. Toxic Parents is frequently recommended, though I haven't read it myself. Given your fiancee's time constraints, consider getting the audio version so she can listen on her way to school/work. But talk to her about it first. It's not the kind of gift you want to spring on someone, because then it looks like you are the one being controlling.

u/purplecupcakedog · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Omg what a horrible experience. reading this makes me feel like I wish i could have been there for you. I am so glad your roommate came through for you. I think it is a law here too in my state that suicidal people have to be taken in or 51/50'd. I think it is in this Susan Forward book about Toxic Parents the suggestion to send her a certified letter that you don't want any contact with her and then you can show a copy of the letter to police or private investigators or whoever else she sends after you. Definitely send her the bill for the emergency room. What a horrible mother. I am so broken hearted for all of us that have to go through this. My mother would have done the same thing.

u/AskEmily · 2 pointsr/ihaveissues

Parent-child love can often involve loving each other, but not liking each other. It's what happens when you know someone so deeply.

How do you think your parents will react if you decide to stay in Australia? You should be prepared to answer some tough questions about how you intend to support yourself.

Toxic Parents

Emotional Blackmail

u/KafkaOnTheTrial · 2 pointsr/suggestmeabook

Toxic Parents and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. This kind of behavior usually doesn't start when a person is in their late 20s. The first book gives great insight on this. The second book gives clues on how to recognize when people are trying to manipulate you in a different ways and gives a lot of non-confrontational response strategies, it's a great book to read in general and I always recommend it to my friends.

u/jojotoughasnails · 2 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

Sorry, I realized what an idiot I was since you specifically mentioned your mother on mother's day.

But I guess if you had issues with your father too it's relevant. Your father may have just been abusive..not narcissistic. Although, my counselor had me view it as a scale. We all fit on the scale of narcissism, some are just at the more extreme end. Your father may have been in the middle area.

I've heard this is more of an all-purpose book to help. Again, I haven't read it. The first book I mentioned has done all I need. It hit the nail on the head and I haven't felt the need to continuously explore other books.

u/flashbang123 · 2 pointsr/NoFap

Read No More Mr Nice Guy & Models.

Just remember, confidence is sexy. At the end of the day, it's all on you. Browse r/seduction...just take everything you read with a grain of salt.


Here is some inspiration for you:

Tupac about Women and Bitches

Old School Star Wars

Dr. Cox from Scrubs & more

Sean Connery interview with Barbara Walters

Wolf of Wall Street - "There Is No Nobility in Poverty."

Clint Eastwood


...not really to do with anything but still good advice:

Rocky's speech to his son

u/demonaspet · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

> Over the last few of years I have tried to directly address the situation. It got so bad that at one point, maybe a couple years ago, I confessed a huge amount of guilt I had been feeling because it had occurred to me that cheating on her would be easier than keeping up the fight (not that I actually would). I felt like an awful human being for a long time because I thought it would be easier to get that fix from someone else than to try to keep trying to fix our broken mess of things.

You sound like you could benefit from reading No more Mr. Nice Guy.

u/RedPillPowerNine · 2 pointsr/Marriage

Ok stop. You have to divorce this horrible woman. She has been cheating on you for years. She dosent respect you as a man an treats you like shit. Leaving her will not solve your problem. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! If you don't fix you, the next one will turn Into another version of this harpy shrew.

Read these 2 books because you need serious help. In the books when they say talk to your spouse, don't do that. These books and information is for you only. To fix you.

u/_estoico_ · 2 pointsr/brasil

Não li, mas já escutei alguns elogios a esse:

Talvez você não ache as respostas nos livros, mas você vai achar a resposta no caminho. Procurar melhorar os seus pontos negativos é, lógicamente, o caminho para se sentir mais seguro.

Boa sorte OP!

u/politicalconspiracie · 2 pointsr/videos

I'm telling you that you are completely misunderstanding (I think purposely) of what stuff like this is trying to do.

> And since it's aimed at guys that we already know are socially inexperienced, how are they going to know that that's not how it actually works?

That's the point dude. This type of stuff is for people to gain expereience and learn from their mistakes and failures. Otherwise they would never learn how to flirt with girls and would wind up being pissed off pathetic loners their whole life.

I've been there man. I was the "nice guy" before that put women on a pedastal and thought if I was just nice enough, then I would earn the girls love or attraction. And that type of thinking is just toxic for everyone involved.

It took reading books like No More Mr. Nice Guy and The Game to learn how to have healthy relationships with women where I was open about interest in the other girl.

And it obviously worked for me, because I used these techniques when I met my now current wife. She had no idea I was using these techniques until I told her about it down the road, and now we just laugh about it. She never thought I was being creepy and she didn't even realize I was using these techniques.

But, it took a lot of failures with other random girls that were awkward encounters at first until it became natural.

I've been married for about 3 years now and we have an amazing fulfilling and loving relationship.

u/Noble-6 · 2 pointsr/INTP

I would highly recommend reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover:

u/GrnTiger08 · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I've just finished this book and cannot wait to try the exercises. You could probably find the pdf somewhere online. I can't say much for anxiety but the first "Breaking Free Activity" goes along the lines of:

"Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information. If you have access to the Internet you can search for 12-step groups or support groups."

The point being that 1. You should let the pain out otherwise you will continue to suffer internally and externally. 2. Searching for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength because you are making the call to better yourself and that in itself is powerful. 3. Actions speak louder than words. Some people can tip-toe to better themselves, others must dive right in. You decide what you need to do and then do it, it's that simple but frustratingly difficult at the same time. If you don't think it's enough, go deeper. Ultimately action is what defines what you choose to better yourself.

In regards to not knowing what it means, it doesn't matter. It could be the simplest task to the complex anomaly. As long as YOU know it makes you better in some capacity, then it will make you better overall. Learn how to take any situation and apply a positive spin on it for yourself. You can't be better unless you look for and do things to make it so. Truth be told, you have to get out of your comfort zone ("the anxiety"). I'm in the same boat and am still making gains.

Best of luck!

u/direpellth · 2 pointsr/asktrp

No More Mr Nice Guy.

It's one of the most, if not the most recommended book to read in TRP. You would have definitely run into it in sidebar school at some point.

It's worth buying, but if you don't feel like doing so, I'm sure there's a torrent of ways for you to find it elsewhere.

u/Iron_Man_9000 · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

She still has PPD and it is untreated.


Also, for the love of God, go get some personal therapy and assertiveness training. You living in fear of your wife is ruining your life.


A good book to read is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

u/squidboots · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

You should check out the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", both my fiance and I read it and it has helped us change oursleves and our relationship for the better.

u/atreyuno · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Do you know...

You are worthy of love and affection. You are worthy of a partner who takes an interest in fulfilling your needs. Your value does not have to be proven or negotiated. It is undeniable. Nothing you have done or failed to do changes your worthiness of an equal, interested and supportive partner.

If you disagree with any of that. If you felt any stirring, protest or discomfort... then you probably already know that there's a deeper issue which requires your attention.

Lots of sources out there but I liked No More Mr Nice Guy. Just saw another poster on this sub mention it too.

u/pompomthrowaway · 2 pointsr/pornfree

I've read a really interesting perspective on masturbation, porn, and fantasy in No More Mr. Nice Guy. Basically, the author's recommendation is to skip both fantasy and porn, and just focus on the pleasure that comes from ... well... pleasuring yourself. I'm not in a place to read that chapter in that book where that is recommended, so I can't offer any further advice, or the author's reasoning, but it might be worth it to check out the book.

u/misunderstandingly · 2 pointsr/AsianParentStories

try reading some of the ideas over on /r/theredpill/ about finding inner strength and how that attracts people and earns their respect. By the very act of seeking approval you are demonstrating that you are weaker than the dad and hence you are really not worthy of his respect. Why should he be happy that his daughter has a BF that is weaker than he; subconsciously it's a step down.

You are taking my posts very constructively - not sure I would have been so receptive at your age - I (white guy) with Chinese FIL and Japanese MIL was where you are now. My inlaws only respected me when I finally stood up to them and stopped trying to placate them. Now they know that at our house it is our rules, they respect it and give deference.

"Respecting elders" exists in all cultures. Very strong in asian of course. I don't buy it. It's a cultural structure designed to even the playing field between the old and the young. When you yourself are old will you inherently have more "worth" than now? Respect is exclusively to be earned. Any person, institution, industry, government, etc... that expects respect based on an intellectual construct rather than actual actions is immediately very suspect.

Final thought - maybe challenge yourself by reading this book.

I sincerely hope you have a happy and wonderful life.

u/MachiNami · 2 pointsr/bjj

Along with BJJ, sounds like you should read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Glover.

u/ATH0-NOCARRIER · 2 pointsr/faimprovement

This is good stuff. For similar advice, I highly recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy:

It was an eye-opener for me. It's helping me a lot to be a better, stronger man.

u/db4unme · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I use to be a "nice guy" and people took advantage of me. Now am am hyper aware of the relationship dynamics and shit can the ones that are not balanced. You might not realized you do have a expectation of a return of you gestures. You should read: No More Mr Nice Guy

u/porphyry3 · 2 pointsr/ihaveissues

Look at this. Also, read the book. You may be out of trajectory (me too, I guess), just have a look at this. Consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

u/kempff · 2 pointsr/asktrp

I have mommy issues also, but my story is a little different: my mother smothered me, but I also suffer from many of the symptoms you list in your post including psychocyanosis because my emotional needs went unmet in childhood because my mother was using me as a salve upon her ever-breaking heart.

I am currently reading, one of the books in the redpill canon, and /u/verus_mas, it reads like a chillingly incisive and deadly accurate unauthorized biography of me, and it is helping me get over my tendency to be a doormat.

Yes, it's OK to be bluepill. Tolerate your bluepill tendencies for the time being. As you learn more redpill stuff you will come to be disgusted by your bluepill tendencies enough that you will be automatically self-motivated to eliminate them one by one.

And the process will be pleasant and nearly effortless, because you will be merely cooperating with a normal, natural resumption of an interior development that was arrested by your mother's abuse.

EDIT: Stop by the chatroom.

u/vissil · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

That's so totally wrong. Don't compliment someone when you're expecting something in exchange. Compliment them because you sincerely believe what you're saying to be true. I think you need to take a closer look at No More Mr. Nice Guy.

u/henrikc3 · 2 pointsr/Advice

Block her, and give yourself time to grow up and figure out yourself.

Also, book recommendation you might get benefit from. Helped me a lot getting out of similar situation:

ps. Giving her all the power is not a recipe for success.

u/Vintner42 · 2 pointsr/Advice

I too am a people pleaser, and am on a similar journey as you. I posed this same question to a different subreddit, and one of the top comments was to take a look at the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy."

The title is a little misleading in my opinion, as it isn't "how to be a jerk" but rather how to stop being a pushover (Which is something nice guys are. We back off of arguments, feel like we are being nice and people owe us being nice back.) It is an interesting read with some actionable steps.

Not sure what your native language is, but judging from what and how you wrote your post, you have a good grasp on written English and should have no problem reading this book, as it is a simple read. I believe there is also an audiobook version available.

u/OnTheGoBro · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

Getting triggered doesn't enhance your argument it just makes you seem childish.

> Why do you keep comparing social skills to athleticism? You really think running a marathon is similar in any way to talking to people?

Implying that social skills is just talking to people is a false equivalence.

  • PUA
  • No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
  • How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
  • The Book Of Pook by Pook
  • r seduction
  • r redpill
  • Real Social Dynamics

    None of these things would exist if social interaction only involved "talking to people".

    > Ok then, you CAN TALK TO PEOPLE. This isn't a marathon. It's talking to people. That's it

    This is just gibberish because you're triggered.

    > Worrying about results and if you are doing it right is lack of confidence, LACK OF BELIEF THAT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING

    Worrying about results doesn't mean you lack confidence. It's normal for a person of even the most basic intellect to fuss about his performance when he does something important to himself. Whether it's building a pyramid of cards, making a music album or painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling, you'll obviously examine and re-examine any move that you make because you want to do it right.
u/doubleknee24 · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

From what you've written it seems like you could gain a lot from this book No More Mr Nice Guy. You will see it recommended on here as you continue to read the side bar. It will help.

u/KAtusm · 2 pointsr/Residency
u/cyberoctopus · 2 pointsr/niceguys

Start off small in my opinion. If you're hoping to one day be a different person, that won't happen. The thought becomes overwhelming in my opinion. But you can do small things for self improvement. A new hairstyle for example. That's a big confidence booster. Try reading some books to, like No More Mr Nice Guy.

u/QuietBadger89 · 2 pointsr/aspergers
u/flabcannon · 2 pointsr/AskMen

No More Mr.Nice Guy helped me a lot. Not just for romantic relationships but life in general.
I used to put my needs last while helping friends/family etc and feel a lot of resentment when they didn't drop everything and help me when I needed it. This book showed me that it was my own fault because the other person doesn't know what you're thinking unless you tell them. The other benefit is that it teaches you to not play it safe all the time, which helps people remember you.

u/RickJamesBeyach · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

Robert Glover. Link to the book on Amazon.

u/chunknown · 2 pointsr/socialskills

I think OP refers to this label coined by Roger Robert Glover

edit not the bass player for Deep Purple

Glover's "nice guy"TM is a stereotypical archetype, a personification of a set of dysfunctional thought patterns and subsequent behaviors some males exhibit in modern (American) society. While I don't subscribe to his sociocultural analysis or his characterization of this behavior as a personality type, he makes some good points imo.

u/heronmarkedblade1984 · 2 pointsr/AskMen

No more mr nice guy.... read it, it will help you more than you can currently understand. After you get done with that read When I say no I feel guilty. Neither of them are fun, but oftentimes its bitter medicine that cures the ailments.

u/sunnywiltshire · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

This book was the beginning of our DB recovery. It is honestly unbelievable, along with "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. These two books, I'm telling you...! The titles are cheesy as hell, but the content is genius. The first deals with the underlying psychological reasons for DBs, basically a lack of "differentiation" which leads to an unhealthy network of feeling pressure, obligation, withdrawing etc... By moving to the spare room and feeling like yourself again, you have done a huge step towards differentiation. I think the further details in this book might be of great value for you. And the other book is along similar lines, but while the first is more focused on couples altogether, the latter focuses more on men, and it's brilliant. I have learned from both so, so much. Plus, they are well written and entertaining to read. I go back to them regularly to really engrain the message in my mind and break my unhealthy patterns.


There's a book I haven't read yet and that is more focused on women, and is mentioned regularly here because apparently it is fantastic, it is called "come as you are". It seems to deal with different female arousal patterns which might be useful to know with regard to a woman with a LL. It seems to be about "how to learn what hinders your arousal and what accelerates it", basically, but I think it is more than that.





This one is mentioned a lot as well, again focusing on female sexuality:


Sorry, this comment is massive, lol. :-)

The first book has honestly enduced our DB recovery, that is not said too much. The second - where to begin. It goes even back to unhealthy patterns that one learned from one's parents and then carries into the relationship and such. Very good.

u/ExtremelyQualified · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Read “No More Mr Nice Guy”, by Rober Glover. Despite the name, it is not a redpill book. It is a book that cuts through all the shitty advice in the world and puts a fine point on what it means to be a confident person. I re-read it pretty often.

You should buy it because the author deserves every dollar for writing it, but if you’d like a preview, here’s a link:

u/Jessie_James · 2 pointsr/AskMenOver30

lol, it's NOT a pick up book. "Don't judge a book by it's cover". :)

Go to Amazon and you'll see it's on their best books for 2014. Here's the overview:

> Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.

It very specifically deals with anger and frustration, and WHY guys get like that. It helped me tremendously with my past anger issues.

As a follow up, you may want to check out this book:

u/WastedPotential · 2 pointsr/aspergers

Not really on the topic of game (attractive women). I'm not even sure what's out there in terms of books.

But as far as general life skills, maybe No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

We socially awkward types tend to be overly apologetic and try to be people pleasers, for fear of offending others. Not a good strategy, for you or those around you.

u/piperson · 2 pointsr/relationships

I've been in your shoes. I was married to a woman for 8 years. I loved her dearly but after 8 years of her picking stupid fights and leaving me every 6 months only to come back a week later, I had enough. Actually my health wouldn't take it any more. I was physically exhausted as well as mentally and I threw in the towel without any thoughts or looking back.

It's been really hard for me the past 4 years because like you, I thought she was perfect in every other way. I also knew that she suffered for being separate from me, but 8 years of being attacked had taken it's toll and that was it for me. I often feel like crying and have a hard time relating to people because of all the baggage I carry from that relationship, but after 4 years I feel I am finally starting to come out of this emotional hole I've been living in.

Since then I've learned that my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. In addition to that I was enabling her behavior by being too forgiving. I am/was a nice guy who would forgo his own needs in order to keep harmony in a relationship. Robert A. Glover speaks about it really well in his book No More Mr Nice Guy . I was easily manipulated by her and a great patsy.

The last few years have been a great time of discovery about her and about myself. It's been very hard but I think I am better for it. If I hadn't gone through that bad relationship, I would have never found out my own weaknesses and worked on them. I'm still not in a relationship but I feel a really satisfying one is just around the corner, mostly because I am more of a whole person. Now my needs come first. I don't let anyone walk all over me.

Somehow I seem to attract manipulators because I've had to put my foot down many times with various friends since she's been gone. But I can do it now because my tolerance for bullshit has been whittled down to next to nothing. Now my needs come first and if you try to manipulate me, you are cut out of my life.

I don't know if you guys have a shot but if you do, you've got to understand that what you are dealing with is no joke and needs attention and work. She needs to understand that things won't get better without admitting her problem and asking for help from others and you need to stop enabling her.

It's not an easy road but I hope you better luck than I had.

u/cmo88 · 2 pointsr/seduction

You should really read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by: Dr. Robert A. Glover. I started reading it a while back while dealing with the same issues you're going through. Since then I have learned to put myself first and not be reliant on what other people think of me. Best of luck to you, things will get better!

Heres a link to where you can buy the book:

u/WatchTheFireworks · 2 pointsr/dating_advice
u/Shaman6624 · 2 pointsr/confession

You're probably not fucked up. Good that you are acknowledging all these negative emotions. I recommend reading this book: it might do something for you. "Also the subtle art of not giving a f*ck" is recommended. Remember: "To desire more positive experieces is a negative experience while the acceptance of negative experiences is a positive experience." In my opinion you're right to leave try to get good custody rights with your child.

u/noodlydoodlyherpderp · 2 pointsr/selfimprovement

seriously: read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy it's awesome, very insightful and helpful. I just read it myself and can really recommend it

u/speedisavirus · 2 pointsr/todayilearned


I always look back and say "I should have seen that coming". Last girlfriend the signs were there in the first 6 months and I ended up with her for 2 years before a really messy breakup (she had kids and shit...I was with them more than their father). I have no shortage of dating history but I have a shortage of leaving when I should know its time. Or when I suspect they think it should be over.

In short I don't like giving up.

u/Jhamption · 2 pointsr/AskRedditAfterDark

For what it is worth, this is the best book that has helped me, it is 10 bucks on kindle, or you can probably find it online for free. This book changed me and how I manage my marriage. Worth every penny.

u/data_wrangler · 2 pointsr/TrueAskReddit

Assuming you're male, I really took a lot from this book:

I think it presents an interesting context to understand the feeling, and a reasonably concrete plan to go about getting better. I can't stress enough the importance of working out and being proud of your physical self and appearance. If you don't follow /r/Fitness, they've got a fantastic community and great advice on that front.

u/cycle4life · 2 pointsr/AdultChildren

First of all sorry to hear about your childhood. I wasn't in a alcoholics family, but I was in a broken family so I do understand where you are coming from.

Being brought up in a unstable/chaotic family will surely have its scars and as kids we will blame ourself for whats going on in the family. My defence mechanism was being a rebel. When I was at school I was loyal to my friends a lot, not so much to others who 'normally' should be respected such as my mom or teachers. Also, I realise this because my dad pointed it out but, when I was in secondary school I was always out with my friends at internet cafes and was always home late. The reason was because it was my escape from the toxic environment in the house.

But right now I'm more the Lost Child. I'm not very social and most of the time I like being alone. I suggest you read this and this. It doesn't explore everything but its a good starter.

Recently some events did remind myself about my childhood, and started to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward again, and if you haven't read it yet i'd highly recommend you read it. It's my third time reading it and every time I realise something in me, or something about my friends.

u/vizonym · 2 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

YTA - And you are using money as a way to push wayyyy too far into your adult child’s lives. Surely you realize that giving your children properties that are more or less valuable based on whether they want kids or not has a very high likelihood of tearing your family apart. Read this book- specifically the chapter on controlling parents. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
It might save your relationship with your kids and prevent them from fighting with each other as well.

u/dub_beezy · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

My psychiatrist recommended this book for my boundary issues with my parents, it’s really good:

u/exfiltration · 2 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

People who behave that way do so because they are never held accountable.
My father-in-law's last words to my wife after making us need to get both of our kids, (one of which was a newborn at the time, the other with special needs) tested for heavy metal exposure by vaporizing lead paint with a heat gun in the room next door to the newborn, while using no safety precautions we're: "I'm not sorry, piss off." We haven't spoken to him in two years. In the past relatively serious things were always met with "Well, I think we both did something wrong here, let's just forget about it."

If you haven't yet, I would recommend you visit /r/raisedbynarcissists and /r/justnomil. There are a fair share of shitposts, but also ones that might give you some insight into things.

I also recommend this book, if you haven't already read it. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

u/Queen_E · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

I don't know that I'm navigating life all that well, but some little things have helped and why not share with the class? I think I have underlying mental health issues (depression, anxiety) worsened by trauma (rape, attempted rape which morphed into PTSD, I think) and a narcissistic dad.

  • Books! I read so much about this stuff. I actually find therapists really terrible, because I can tell I'm more well-versed than them. Which sounds snotty, but I think I've had bad luck and, like, what am I paying you for if I can tell you're
    Here are a few helpful ones:
    Sexual healing, literally
    PTSD and trauma:
    Shitty men:
    Shitty parents:
    A Buddhist reminder that to live is to suffer:
    Brene Brown, duh:
    (All the eating disorder books I read have been useless, and I am probably depressed and I'm certainly anxious but the literature on that never quite fits.)

  • Learning to stand up for myself has been huge, but lately it has really kicked into high gear and it has involved lots of screaming. I'm really nice and polite and if I get ignored too much when I need to not be ignored, I melt down and scream. Usually the object of my screaming deserves it 100%, but I'm hoping this is just a phase because it wears me out and I feel like I'll get put in an institution one day, even though the episode never lasts more than a couple hours. I got stalked and cornered in a parking lot once, and men who come too close and don't listen to my polite, repeated requests to back off, well, they get an earful. I've had a lifetime of feeling unheard and abused, so I don't feel a ton of shame about it. I'm trying to find other productive ways, but, man, this world sucks and sometimes screaming feels like the most rational thing. (To be clear, I do this, like, once every three months max!)

  • I wrote a letter to my dad once, telling him I hated all the shitty things he did to me and I cut him out of my life. Probably the best decision of my life. I did it thinking I just needed a little break, but almost eight years later, it feels pretty permanent and like it's given me the space I need to truly heal. Cut off your toxic relationships if you can!

  • Venting helps immensely, whether with my friends, my mom, my journal or a therapist. I told a therapist that the main reason I found her helpful was because she was a neutral third party who had to listen to me and she got really offended. But it's true! Most of my therapists have not been able to be much more than a sounding board. I am open-minded, but their ideas were either useless or offensive. The ideas I found in books were so much more helpful (like the writing my dad a letter thing was right out of the Toxic Parents playbook! No therapist ever suggested any of that!)

  • Weed is the only thing that truly helps me come down when I'm majorly triggered or anxious (ie when I have a screamy day), but Ativan isn't bad either.

  • For anxiety, I do better if I've had 7 hours of sleep, no caffeine and as little sugar as possible. I always feel best if I hike, bike, run, elliptical, lift weights and swim. Being worn out keeps the anxiety at bay and I sleep better.

  • I watch a lot of TV and spend a lot of time on the internet. It's a distraction and I don't find it terribly healthy or productive, and I'd usually rather be doing something else. But I get really anxious if I'm alone with my thoughts and it helps.

  • I still haven't figured out if I'm an introvert or extravert and maybe it's dumb to care about, but if I'm around chill people, I tend to do much better. I read and write a lot and am shy and introspective, and I used to prefer being alone, which I guess would make me an introvert. But I've been very PTSDy lately, and having friends and family around me is a good distraction, I feel much safer and I seem fine enough that no one ever seems to comprehend how I could end up in a psych ward out of the blue one day. The thing is hanging out with friends requires money and I don't have a job because of my PTSD, so I feel myself sliding downhill. I wish I had money just so I could cook for my friends all the time or go out to dinner and drinks regularly. I get anxious about being a fucking mooch all the time :/

    Okay, that's prob good, right?
u/kochichka · 2 pointsr/relationships

Don't listen to people who tell you to keep contact with her, she is toxic to your life. My mother was not as bad as yours but still not very good mother and best thing that happened to me was that I moved across the ocean and I had chance to see her only 7 times in last 25 years.

You should read toxic parents by susan forward

u/bhuddimaan · 2 pointsr/ABCDesis

You need to find and read this book, so that you can distinguish between what is discipline to you and what is overdoing it.

You need to learn to earn living to gain some independence

u/sleepingafternoon · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Your mom sounds codependent. From google... Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

I'm a 26f. A lot of what you posted was spot-on with what my own mother used to do. This book ( was very helpful for me to understand why my mom acted the way she did. She still continues to try to manipulate me but now I don't engage with her when she does that.

u/totally_rocks · 2 pointsr/AskMenOver30

The relationship doesn't dictate if you're codependent still after forming those thought patterns. You need to seek help.

here and the same again is a great book that's well recommended on /r/codependency

Also, is a great site.

u/remitree · 2 pointsr/exmuslim

:-) Well. It depends on your age. If you are very young you have to depend on them for it. But if you have reached at least teenage, you are able to be independent.

Parents can be toxic and damaging if they are not good enough and in that case you have to wean yourself off them for emotional support. You have to start not caring about whether they approve of you or not. Join support groups, find more friends and most of all, you have to be emotionally self-reliant. There's a term called Codependency and this book is very popular for that same topic.

But the financial support is the issue. You can still be financially dependent on them while being able to be emotionally independent. Just make them happy on the surface and be on control on the inside knowing that you just need them for the money and know that they are wrong for forcing you for these conventions.

You havent told your age, your financial status, about your job, your ability to be on your own. I'm assuming there's no way you can be on your own 100%. Are you looking for a better job etc? Many people have to wait until they can do those things so its ok.

But you definitely dont have to be emotionally dependent on them (unless you are less than 13 or 14 years old). When people reach around 15 they can think on their own and be able to survive in situations where their parents are idiots. Because they are forcing you to go to these events, I'm going to say that they are because they have disowned you for expressing your own wishes to not go there. Sorry I have a low tolerance level for bad parents/parenting.

And what do you mean by "emotional support" from your parents? They aren't giving you much of it by ignoring what you want and forcing you to go to these events. They are not the right source of emotional support for you. What kind of emotional support do you need in any case? Approval... for what?

I want to talk about them paying for the apartment. Can you pay for it yourself so you can be free from them?

I'll give you my own example. They would ask me to call relative X and Y and say hello. I confronted them and said its my own life, dont tell me who to call. They have now learned that I do my own thing. But apartment money is the problem in your case so... you have to do things differently.

You can also PM me if you like, if there's something you dont want to share publicly. You'll have to wait for the time you are on your own and do what you want. For now if you want them to pay the apartment money, well, maybe they wont do that anymore. If they can, good. If they wont, you know you have to find a solution. So will they pay for it?

When you are done with your education and have a job I think you will make good money. So just wait it out, tolerate their BS and go to the conventions and browse reddit while you're there. There's no other way unless you can be on your own, and you'll have to find a cheaper place in that situation.

But there is no need for you to be emotionally dependent on your parents when you are a young guy above his 20's. I'm guessing that what the situation is.

u/deb1961 · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I'm going to add Will I Ever Be Good Enough.

I read Co-Dependent no more because of my father's recommendation years ago. It really helped me learn how to deal with the alcoholics in my life (NMom and my ex-husband) while learning to stop my own enabling behaviors. I think OP & her father would benefit reading this.

u/randy9876 · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

It's interesting how the OP, unlike you, AMerrickanGirl, isn't in touch
with her anger. Her boundaries are too weak. She has some background that made her this way. I'm not too sure about these "friends", either. She needs a better support system. Colleges have counseling available. She needs to use this service. This problem is very common.

Type in the phrase "Women Who" into google search and see what the auto complete does.



"An extraordinary self-help book that reads like a page-turning thriller....This beautifully written, intelligent book can help women break the pattern of foolish love." -- Los Angeles Times

350 used & new from $0.01


edit: "Codependent No More" is another hugely popular classic on this topic.

u/handsfree_riptide · 2 pointsr/BreakUps

Earlier this year I had a breakup with my ex who had several mental health problems including BPD. She began another relationship after a month or two and we kept in touch and were even "friends" for about 6 months afterwards. When I learned she had described him as the first person who ever really cared about her, I said screw it and we've been out of touch for a few months now. I think you can understand the disappointment and pain for me that in the end I never was able to make her feel loved or truly cared about.

I've struggled a lot with that. I don't know whether to believe it or whether it's just crazy. We were together 5+ years and she never felt cared about? Sometimes I have all these doubts about what kind of a person I must be that my partner felt that way. When she started seeing this new fellow she told me I never cared about her needs whereas with him it was easy. I felt so angry because the whole damn relationship was my taking care of her needs and her yelling at me if I screwed up or wasn't completely neutral or cheerful about it. She told me I wasn't even half of a considerate person. And like I said, I still for 6 months after the breakup was trying to prove her wrong, even as she was making me feel this bad about myself and I was doing terrible in terms of my own mental well being.

As much as I've struggled with it, I'm actually grateful I heard that thing about the new guy caring for her in ways I never did. It snapped me out of the "fog" and made me realize that she has no idea what a healthy relationship is or what adults caring about each other actually means. She wanted a parent-child relationship. I remember realizing at some point while we were together that it felt like I was living with a teenage daughter who hated me. At the time I didn't know why or what to do about it, but I remember feeling that way. Her and this other fellow broke up after 3 months, I assume because she had the same kinds of expectations.

I read a book called Codependent No More which explained a lot about how I felt as I tried to fulfill that role over the years and the damage I'd done to my own needs and sense of self by inevitably placing her's first. I cannot recommend this book enough. Other concepts that I learned about and recognized deeply:

FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)

[JADE]( (Justify Argue Defend Explain)

Karpman Drama Triangle

If she contacts you and you find yourself compelled to respond, examine your feelings closely and be mindful of why exactly you want to respond. Be on the lookout especially for feelings of obligation or guilt, or feeling sorry for her. Those aren't the basis for an adult relationship. Don't react. You have a right to trust your own perception of things and validate your own feelings. Take your time with everything and make your own life easy. You took on responsibilities in this relationship that weren't yours and were impossible to fulfill. Now enjoy the lightness of being yourself.

Sorry if that is presumptuous. In my reading on BPD it seemed these were common experiences of their partners. I hope some of it is useful and you can get on with your life and heal soon.

u/Arat90 · 2 pointsr/confession

Hi you. We seem to be in very similar boats so I wanted to try and offer some insight from a familiar perspective.

>Someone as strong as me should be able to snap myself out of this. If I can be strong and help other people, why can't I do it for myself? Why am I unable to control those reactions in the moment. I know I need to own up to my wrongdoings and mend them.

Wow, this. This is basically what I say to myself everyday for the longest time now. My whole life has also been revolved around helping others and finding happiness through theirs. And yes, I too have done some pretty awful, stupid things that severely damaged my closest relationships. I am still paying for it now.

I think if we were in each other's shoes right now, you would be telling me something along the lines of "You should learn to love yourself, stop focusing on other people and focus on yoruself."

That's what I wan to say, but I know if I were given that advice, I wouldn't take it. The concept of "loving yourself" is so completely foreign to me, I can't begin to wrap my head around it. It wasn't until recently that something finally clicked and I realized I needed to get to the bottom of whatever the hell was making me fail so hard.

I came across this book and just reading a short synopsis of it really sparked something in me. You should give it a chance if you have time, it really addresses just how prevalent and horrible codependency can be.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

u/g33km0m · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

I'm glad that you took the time to read the comments about Codependency and saw what I was reading in your comments. (I posted the list from the CoDA site).

When I realized I was CoDependent and what that really meant, I got help. If you can, read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie -- and if possible, find a CoDA meeting ASAP.

Her reaction is not surprising, but completely typical. Do not let her control you. Get some space and focus on yourself.

Best wishes to you - You can do this!

u/waftastic · 2 pointsr/gaybros

Man, I was in your exact position not too long ago, with my perfect-match partner. Like others have said, you need to work on moving on.

You really need to read this book: Codependent No More

There's a couple sections dedicated to detaching that I really benefitted from, and you will too.

u/catbugcatdog · 2 pointsr/Advice

I think you ended a relationship in which he emotionally had left a long time ago. In other words, he abandoned you and you declared an official breakup after the fact. You absolutely got were invested more in it than he did and are experiencing the pain of a person who was rejected.

I was in a similar situation and man it gave me abandonment issues for a while internet hug What gives me hope is that you advocated for yourself and ended an inequitable relationship. Sometimes we give the wrong people more choices and chances we would expect for ourselves. No more one-sided relationships!

u/BaesicDogGirl · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

The Language of Letting Go

People say books change their lives all of the time but for real this book changed my life. It’s meant for people in recovery but I found the daily passages to be beneficial to everyone.

I like to read the day’s passage at night before bed and journal. The author encourages goal setting, establishing boundaries, and practicing self-care. It might sound silly to do these things but I promise it really helps you change the way you think about yourself. You’ve got to love you before anyone else can :)

Also, I’m 2 months shy of 30 and I still have moments of being insecure/awkward/lost because that is part of being human. Don’t forget to practice self compassion :)

u/GoogieDow · 2 pointsr/DatingAfterThirty

I have given this book to many friends and used it as a Bible to exit a relationship. You will look at the title, maybe even the description, and think it doesn't apply to you. Then you read it and... 💡

Co-Dependent No More By Melody Beattie

Also recommend the amazing The Language of Letting GO

u/the_long_spoon · 2 pointsr/Codependency

TLDR: Good for you!

Your post resonates with me, mostly because I’m that guy you described.

I’ve been married to a really great woman for the past 5 years (we were together another 5 before that), and I’ve been giving her a lot of hell ever since the beginning. Most of it has been emotional abuse (I have a short fuse, and it makes me say some very hurtful, if not damaging, things), to the point of almost constant unkindness and disrespect. On a regular basis, I tend to project onto her my negative state of mind (I’m unhappy about a lot of things in my life that I feel like I can’t change); if I had to guess, it’s probably a subconscious thing---if I can’t be happy, then maybe she shouldn’t be either. I shut her out, we don't talk, and are both very lonely and isolated. My wife has given up a lot of herself in unsuccessful attempts to make me happy and to put up with all of the shit (there is no other word, really) I give her, and I perpetuate and take advantage of it.

The thing is, I do recognize and have recognized that I’m an altogether horrible person to be around sometimes (most times?), though I've never been able to label things. Our relationship has been a debilitating (and exhausting) flip-flop between happy and miserable. Consequently, I’ve lost the trust that is so desperately needed in a long-term relationship.

I want to get better, but I’ve never taken any real steps to do so (pride? fear? denial?) until recently. In the research I’ve done to figure out what the hell my freaking problem is, I’ve uncovered a plot twist of sorts: I’m codependent.

I had a very unpleasant childhood that I recognize now as being codependent, which probably explains how I ended up in a codependent relationship with another woman for 4 years before meeting my wife. Both of these relationships I’ve repressed very much, but as I open up the memories, I realize how I gave up a lot, if not most, of myself for my immediate family as well as this woman.

What’s happened now, I think, is that I’ve somehow twisted things around so that my wife is now the codependent one with me (although, I see early on how I repeated codependent tendencies when I met her). It’s almost as if I’m trying to recover from what was taken from me before and so have become narcissistic and controlling in the process (e.g., I know what’s right for my wife, we only do the things I enjoy or go to the places I want to go, I keep her from having friends since I’m the only one who knows how to/who’s able to/who should care for and comfort her, we only talk about how my day went and not hers). Don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to displace blame for my actions---I’m an ass---but it’s helpful for me to recognize, perhaps, what causes me to be an ass.

Sorry for the outpouring, as I don’t know that I really contributed anything other than to say that I understand what you’re going through and that I’m glad you’re taking the steps to do what’s right for you. As others have said, you’ve recognized what’s going on and are doing something about it, and IMO that’s huge.

Oh, I guess I will also add that there are some of us who are aware of the pain they’ve caused, don’t like it, and do genuinely want to get better. What’s troubling to me is all of the wasted time and unhealthiness in our relationship that was brought about by petty fights, usually caused by my selfishness or need to control situations, if not my wife. I do honestly love her, even though it's so easy for me to hurt her, and I don't want to be this way. I know I as an individual (perhaps we as a couple) need therapy and I’m willing to go (it’s a financial hardship as well); however, this was not an easy thing---at all---for me to finally admit. You, as the abuser, really have to want it. In the meantime, I’ve picked up a copy of Codpendent No More as well as The Language of Letting Go. Also looking into Why Is It Always About You? It’s not easy for me to write about these things, especially in a public forum, but I’m hoping it will be therapeutic to discuss this with others.

My wife and I have started talking about these things, and I’ll say that it’s helped tremendously, in particular knowing how she feels. I think in the past I was too involved in myself to care how she felt (that really sounds horrible to say, but it’s the unfortunate and scary truth).

Whether or not you can do the same likely depends on your SO and whether or not he’s able to recognize what he’s doing and, perhaps more importantly, whether or not he’s willing to get some help.

Good luck to you!

u/Stepherzzzzzz · 2 pointsr/childfree
u/AlexCoventry · 2 pointsr/JBPforWomen

I highly recommend the books Be Your Own Dating Service: A Step-By-Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships and Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change.

FWIW, I met my wife when she was 35, and we're very happy together. A 'dating fast' sounds like a great idea, to me.

u/koalafied_bear · 2 pointsr/relationships

It's hard to leave when you want to help someone, to stick it out, or make it better. According to Dr. Phil (lame, I know, but for some reason it stuck with me), "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

Read this book, it did wonders for me: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

u/TinyBuddhaz · 2 pointsr/BPD

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist
Book by Margalis Fjelstad.

It can help you figure out what boundaries you want and how to put them in place. Here's a note from the author

"I see that relationship interactions are the result of the thoughts, beliefs, feelings and reactions of ALL parties. Too often the Borderline or Narcissist is blamed and the other participants feel like victims. Family Systems theory sees that everyone contributes to the problem and any one of them can change the final results. The Caretaker can change what s/he does and change the outcome for themselves and everyone else.

I have written the book for anyone who has an ongoing relationship with a Borderline or Narcissist. This could be a spouse, dating partner, sibling, parent, child, in-law, co-worker or friend. Therapists could use the book as they work with their clients who feel “stuck” and frustrated in a relationship with a Borderline or Narcissist. My most recent book, Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship, complements this material by providing next steps in the healing process."

u/ThrowRA121019 · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Just take a look here in this sub or similar subs. Books, YouTube videos and therapists. There is no happy endings sadly. We want to fix everything, we want that everything works are the end. But if they don't want (and they don't), there is nothing we can do and we only gonna suffer.

The other fellow redditor got cheated in the begining of the relationship. And what happened? Got cheated again. And gonna be again and again. It's a never ending cycle. "Regular" people can learn from their mistakes. BPD don't. If they cheat it's your fault. If they treat you like trash it's because of you. Etc. Take a moment to read this sub and you gonna see all the patterns.

You can keep trying if you want, but sooner or later you won't take it anymore and you gonna have lost a bunch of years of your life suffering.

They have their good moments, but the bad moments don't worth the price of admission. And most important: You are a valuable person and you need to be treated accordingly. They don't deserve our love and care. They simply don't value it.

Everybody here recommends this book. It's really good. Take a look for yourself:

And I tried hard for 3 years, my friend. The only thing I got from them was a bunch of traumas. The good part is that I today know my worth and value myself a lot more.

Start being more selfish. Take care of you. Everything will be better at the end.

u/harlottesometimes · 2 pointsr/SeattleWA

I see... I've never heard of anyone suggesting professionals regulating dosage at safe injection sites.

When I read "trained medical professionals," I imagine training consisting of a quarter of emergency medicine at the community college and four competency based sessions a year.

If the county adds a medical director to supervise the techs and some "drug counsellors" to discuss alternatives to opiate use, the program should cost just about as much as any of our many methadone clinics, where "medical professionals adjust dosage" on the regular.

If you're seriously interested in the model, I highly recommend Dr. Gabor Mate's In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts as he might be the only doctor in the Western Hemisphere with any real knowlege on the practice.

u/damm_ · 2 pointsr/eldertrees

Read this book.

Accept that you may never stop smoking but maybe a reduction in smoking maybe a short-term goal that you can make.

u/GordonTheGopher · 2 pointsr/Advice

A person with so many problems is hard to help. I read an interesting book on homeless drug addicts recently

The author is a doctor trained in helping addicts and even he can save very few :(

u/shazbot996 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity


Discovering my codependence. Changed everything for me. I was a doormat for 20 years.

u/NuclearPotatoes · 2 pointsr/NMMNG

I highly recommend supporting the author by buying the book as well here:

u/Sonic_Scrudriver · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

pay a visit to [Dr. Glover] ( its possible to be a nice guy without being a Nice Guy. a very important distinction. check out the forums on the above site. If you're feeling it, check out [His Book] ( It's a lot more common than you'd expect, especially in the midst of gamers/geeks/nerds/insert-stereotypical-shy-social-group-here.

u/Birdoftruth · 2 pointsr/howtonotgiveafuck

I can genuinely feel for you brother. I was in your situation 5 years ago when I was dumped by my first girlfriend at 18 hearts of age for being a nice guy people pleaser. It only gets better from here bro. Know that the next phase you will reach will be the other end of the extreme, that is an asshole. Then you will have some experience and you will bounce back towards the center of the two extremes of nice guy and asshole, and then you manifest your true self. Fight on brother.

If you haven't taken the next step yet, you need to buy the book No more Mr. Nice guy This should get you going.

u/xplorer1701 · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Sorry to hear, but don't lose hope. I'm 49, my stbxw has left our marriage for the second time, I'm still healing, but I have a lot of hope for my future. You should as well.

She cheated one you, and that is a big reason to let her go. That violates a trust that you may never have been able to restore.

Right now you're wallowing in your pain, and I get that. You need to do the following: exercise, take up a new hobby, read self-help books, spend time creating new memories, take time to heal, learn your lessons from your failed marriage and don't repeat them, and most importantly, be patient with yourself.

I recommend you read these books:




    The Robert Glover book is like a kick in the pants, or at least it was for me. Regarding my own situation, I'm deeply saddened by my ex wanting to leave again. I was very much in love with her, but she was not in love with me. She wanted to explore "feelings" she had for another woman, and I wasn't the guy she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That really hurt, and it sill does, but well... let's just say that while I own my mistakes, my ex's romanticizing of life and need to sustained highs to make her feel happy was impossible to meet. I wish her well, but I have my own life to lead now.

    You do too. It will take time, but you'll get to the other side of hell. Follow the advice I and others give you, and see what works for you. Remember rough moments are just that... moments to get through. Life will get better and you'll see light in the darkness again. Stay the course.

u/Account4aCrazy2 · 2 pointsr/Anxiety

Please read "No More Mr Nice Guy" . Apply it to your son.

u/blahm3 · 2 pointsr/seduction

Well it sounds like you have identified your own problem which is that you simply need to get out there and get experience. Take things one step at a time. Work on your body language. Work on good eye contact. work on opening, then conversation etc. Find out where you are and stop worrying about where you want to be. Delightful white is on the money here.

Also from your edits you seem to really need to get over this I want a girlfriend thing. I think you really need to examine why you feel you want/need one so bad. A girlfriend won't solve your problems. My guess is you are letting other people determine what you want.

A non pickup related book that I think might help you is 'no more mister nice guy'.

u/flojoTheAwesome · 2 pointsr/askseddit

My recommendation is to head over to /r/NoFap and also check out No More Mr. Nice Guy.

u/KyleKennedy8 · 2 pointsr/selfhelp
u/OhTheHugeManatee · 2 pointsr/self

This is very important and serious stuff.

The first question you need to answer is: "Do I want to live my life with a woman who doesn't love me?" You DESERVE to live your life with a woman who loves you, but whether you want that is up to you. I guess there are people who are happy to have a loveless marriage. If this is you, ignore the rest of my comment.

If you want to live your life with a woman who loves you, understand that this was part of the deal you accepted in marriage: to be loved in return. Right now you are not receiving your part of the deal, and that's not fair to you. She also deserves to live her life with a man she loves, and anything less isn't fair to her, either. If she can't ever give you that love, then the appropriate course of action is to end the marriage and find someone who CAN do that for each other.

But I hear that you want to work on it, and that's a great course of action. It's totally possible for you guys to change so that she can rediscover those feelings of affection.

My point is that this is a very serious situation. In the long run, this will end in unhappiness and probably divorce. Facing that kind of future, it's OK to take drastic action here. In fact, this is the time when you SHOULD be taking drastic action! People change jobs, move houses, and even move states to save their marriages. This is THAT kind of action time.

No matter what, I can promise you that just waiting to "see where things go" is going to end in unhappiness and divorce, if you have any self respect. Without effort and (usually) help, "where things go" is more of the same. And that's not fair to you, to her, OR to your child. This will take work, and she has to be willing to do that work with you.

The most important thing is that both of you want to work on this. It won't work if it's just you. So sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her that she deserves to be in a relationship with a man she loves, you deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who loves you, and your child deserves to grow up with an example of a healthy, loving relationship. You want that woman, that relationship, to be the two of you together. If you can get her to agree to work with you to try and rekindle the affection between you, then it's a green light to go ahead. If she refuses, then there's actually no hope here.

Assuming you get that green light, this is how you work on a relationship:

  • get to a couples therapist. I hear that she doesn't want to, but if she wants to work on the relationship, that's how you do it. Remember that this is a joint decision; just because she doesn't want to doesn't mean it's off the table if YOU want it. Saying she wants to fix the relationship but doesn't want to go to a therapist is like saying you want to fix the car but don't want to involve a repairman.
  • While you hunt for a therapist (and it takes some looking to find someone you both like/trust), look for books and resources that can give you ideas for where to direct your efforts. You should BOTH be doing this. Some good resources:, the 5 love languages,, No More Mister Nice Guy. These resources helped me and my wife recover our relationship, and there are others. Read them together.
  • Set a weekly meeting time to talk about how you've been feeling about each other over the last week. put it on the calendar, and go out of the house for the meeting. This is when you can talk about what seemed to work, and what didn't. What moments where she felt good, and when she didn't.
  • recognize that this is your problem too: you guys have built a relationship where only one side is feeling the love, and TOGETHER you have to fix it so that both sides feel it. She is feeling the symptoms, she can help you figure out where some of the problems lie, but you both will have to work to fix it.
  • Work on yourself. Take up a hobby that you've always wanted to do, and return to an old hobby that you haven't gotten to do in a long time. Take the time to do things for you, because you deserve it. These activities seem trivial, but they go a long way towards anchoring you in this difficult time.
  • Last, but I have to say it: sometimes people say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" because they've found someone else who gives them a hormonal rush the way you don't anymore. If your gut is telling you to be jealous of a male friend of hers, trust it and do what it takes to satisfy YOURSELF that there's nothing going on there.

    Good luck, friend.
u/DB_Helper · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

>For the princess thing I very strongly recommend reading a book.

Amazing book... I used to do the same
thing you describe of not listening to my wife's body language when she is clearly not in a receptive mood. After 20 minutes of what you see as "giving", but she experiences as "bothering" or "just looking for sex", she's annoyed, and you're horny and feeling rejected. The book gives concrete actions to avoid this situation and drastically increase your odds of successfully initiating sex, while giving your wife the non sexual reassurance and affection she needs.

On a side note, it sounds like part of the problem is that your wife just doesn't feel sexy. Are you able to talk honestly with her about her weight? Do you prefer her at her current weight, or would you prefer if she was smaller (or bigger)? Dr. Jason Fung's blog, IDM, had a lot of information on intermittent fasting that can be very helpful if losing a few pounds would help her to feel better about herself.

My wife has always been very toned, athletic and curvy. After three kids she was feeling like her body was sagging, despite the fact that she still looked fantastic. I tell her almost every day how sexy she is, but she consistently brings up how her boobs are not as big as they were while she was breastfeeding (she's a solid, perky B cup) and her core just isn't like it used to be (she was a swimmer in high school, has great muscle tone, and has a small waist compared to boobs and hips). Lately, we have both been doing more exercise and a one day a week 24 hour fast, and she has lost about 5 or 10 pounds. Honestly, she looks great now, but she looked equally great 10 pounds heavier. But now when I look at her and tell her she looks great, she checks herself out in the mirror and says "yeah I do!". She is now much more confident, and I'm sure that has something to do with her starting to initiate far more frequently in the past few months.

u/itwasninjas · 2 pointsr/motorcycles

Way late on the reply here, but you guys are talking about Nice Guy Syndrome and I just read a book that is very relevant: No More Mr Nice Guy.

u/watuphoss · 2 pointsr/AskMen

I was the same way, this book helped me out a bit.

u/Vraboxin · 2 pointsr/MGTOW

A man doesn't have to be exclusively straight in order to qualify for white-knighting. Biologically, every man has the instinct to spread his seed to as many women as possible regardless of sexuality.

Even nice guys fool themselves into thinking that they aren't influenced by pussy just because they're gay.

u/QuietlyLearning · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

I would say to have him watch you in the field picking up women; odds are, however, he will say that you are picking up "easy" women.

Introduce him to No More Mr. Nice Guy; you can find free PDF copies online if need be. This book was my "jump" a few years back. The book reads as self help instead of seduction; seduction material tends to challenge world views drastically compared to NMMNG.

The closest I've taken a friend to the red pill is having them read The Ethical Slut. The guy was always clingy when he put a label on the relationship and reading the book "freed him". While TES will not teach anything major, it could be the tipping point for him since having multiple women is common for red pill men.

u/ProjectVivify · 2 pointsr/AskMen

> avoiding fights and conflicts

This is part of your problem right here. Conflict is ubiquitous in our world. Avoiding it creates more problems than it solves. Essentially you're projecting to other people that you won't stand up for yourself and defend your boundaries.

People being the animals that they are won't respect someone that doesn't respect themselves enough to defend their territory.

> I tend to avoid anything long-term because I am terrified that my non confrontational attitude, very trustworthy and very forgiving attitude, makes me into prey for others to take advantage of and women will (and have) see them as weaknesses and take advantage of them, and then use and cheat on me.

Good, you've identified the problem. The solution is to change your mindset and be less forgiving and more confrontational (when it is justified of course). You don't seek trouble out, but when it comes to you, you don't avoid it and you make it very very sorry that it found you.

A parallel in Buddhism might be trying to avoid unhappiness, when unhappiness a fact of life just as happiness is. Bad, uncomfortable times of conflict are necessary to preserve the balance of your life. Avoiding conflict will just sow the seeds for a larger conflict further down the track as problems build up. Peace will return soon enough and much quicker than if you avoid conflict when it arises.

I would suggest going to therapy to work on your willingness to face conflict. I would also read this book

Your problem isn't insurmountable, but it will take time, effort and a willingness to change.

u/Novelty_Frog · 2 pointsr/self

I don't claim that this book will solve your problems, nor do I know your history or current life circumstances. But, try reading this.

u/Huygensthief · 2 pointsr/offmychest
u/omanisherin · 2 pointsr/TheRedPill

I suggest starting him off with some reading to establish a core belief system before sending him deep into TRP...

Are pretty easy to digest.

u/mpizgatti · 2 pointsr/INTP

The people here commenting, many don't seem to have any first-hand experience with this philosophy. It's similar to those who talk out of their ass about modern Satanism or anything else they don't understand but is associated with "bad" or "taboo" imagery. Buy into the hype and bandwagons and you don't have to actually research and think, how convenient.

The better place to start? and Not as many "seasoned" posters or authority figures of the movement. It is hilarious to me, some of the comments I see below mentioning "controlling" or "manipulative" as keywords. Controlling is furthest from the truth. Now there are some in the PUA movement where the employ high usage of Dark Triad traits ( which are of course meant to be manipulative or "harsher" but that's not the norm.

You'll notice that every focus in the MarriedRedPill Sub is ALL about self improvement. It's not manipulation, it's becoming the opposite of needy. Becoming "outcome independent" so that you aren't hinging on expectations of what the other person will do. The goal is to be masculine, strong, and assertive. To be so self assured that you CAN allow someone else in without scaring them off with needy beta behavior. That's it. The idea (and it is a philosophy, you don't have to identify with it) is that we are evolved in this way. The majority of women who want happy marriages are going to do better in a SLIGHTLY submissive role. Submissive doesn't mean lesser, or worth less or any other feminist garbage of the modern age.

The MarriedRedPill Sub really illustrates a captain/co-captain relationship. The idea is that men are leading their lives and a great woman for you will support that and support your mission. They don't process information the same way and DO NOT want to be included in every little thought you have. They want to see you succeed and that fulfills their purpose. They are turned on by your confidence and self assurance. That comforts them. Provides security.

I think the issue is that we are here on INTP. I'm reading through this book now: and I have to tell you.... the majority of the people on this sub fall into this kind of male. That book and this one other will change your life and attitude if you follow the guidance and advice within. It has ZERO mention of red-pill, just psychologists talking about counseling and assertiveness and not being the "nice guy" anymore. It is helping me a lot and I recommend both.

It's not PC to say that women and men are different. Humans are different. Even the races are different in predictable ways. It doesn't mean that they don't all have the same potential or that they should have less opportunity. However, we cannot equalize outcomes. That is up to the individual.

u/fixmajus · 2 pointsr/confessions

I was a small liar too.

This book really helped me a lot :

Basically, stop hiding things to make yourself look better. People tend to like flaws and confidence better then akwardly perfection.

u/rebuildingMyself · 2 pointsr/seduction

Robert Glover

Amazon Linky

u/DopeDawg · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

I'm putting this here, because it's a great book and know that otherwise this comment will just sink to the bottom.

But be your own man. Meaning you decided what feels right and then do it. Nothing illegal have you. This is probably the hardest fucking thing one can do if he has spend his whole life looking for the approval/validation through the eyes of others.

u/infiniteart · 2 pointsr/alcoholism

Alcoholism is not the same thing as codependency

I'm not diagnosing you with either, but what I am saying is when my therapist had me read a book called codependent no more That really opened my consciousness to a lot of my behaviors that I'd never ever considered being something about which I even had a choice.

You might read it and learn something, if you want.

u/Clicker8371 · 2 pointsr/Anxiety

My SO and I have been together for my entire adult life as my anxiety has gotten worse and worse. My therapist had me read a book called Codependent No More.

It doesn't deal with anxiety directly, but it helped me quite a bit with an issue similar to yours.

Sorry if that sounds wrong, it might help - it might not. I'm not accusing you of being codependent or trying to discredit your feelings.

u/downtownjj · 2 pointsr/RealEstate

I try not to give too much personal advice, but I would definitley keep the title in your name, charge them rent, (even if it's like 40$ or something), and then buy yourself this book

u/whatsreallygoingon · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

Seriously, Danweiser is right.

You should check out the book "Codependent no More".

u/softer_rain · 2 pointsr/BPD

> My only thought is that even if I do seek help for myself, I still come home to a struggling husband. His sadness is mine, his struggles are mine.

I hear you... and I want to tell you, with kindness, that it doesn't have to be that way. If you are interested in self-help books, I'd like to pass along a recommendation from my therapist, it's called Codependent No More. Don't let the part about "controlling others" throw you off, it's really about caring for yourself the way you deserve to be cared for and not letting other people's problems consume you.

I hear the fear, and your fear is valid. And I agree that your husband is too caught up in himself... so maybe it's an excellent time to work on yourself.

u/BoxDropCroissant · 2 pointsr/NonBinary


Good for you!!!

If you need some reinforcement, tips, etc - highly recommend this book:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

u/bbsittrr · 2 pointsr/offmychest

> By continuing to lend him money and your car you are enabling him to continue his addiction. This is codependency, and is very common in people close to addicts.

This is harsh, but this is true.

OP, you were trying to help, so much! You literally gave until it hurt.


>And when I got mad and tried to talk to him about it he told me to “go fuck my self, it was nice knowing you”.

Just wow. He's sick, very sick, and you cannot fix him, he needs to be the one who seeks help and change.

He'll be back soon, by the way. He's not going to keep a job in Boston, his sister knows what he is and will be done with him before too long. Not your problem when he comes calling again, and he will.

So sorry OP.

Oh: this book can help a lot

Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent--and you may find yourself in this book--Codependent No More.The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life.

With instructive life stories, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests, Codependent No More is a simple, straightforward, readable map of the perplexing world of codependency--charting the path to freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness.

u/gonzoparenting · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Your wife is clearly an alcoholic. That doesn't make her an inherently bad person, but it does mean she isn't fit to take care of your kids.

You need to try and have your kids as much as possible and keep them away from their mother, especially at night.

You also need to read up on co-dependency because I am pretty certain you are one. And I say that as a co-dependent.

Read or listen to "Codependent No More". It will change your life.

u/jkgibson1125 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

The woman is not remorseful. What you have is what we term regret. She is regrets getting caught.

Here are 15 actions and attitudes that were published by a therapist who deals with couples healing from infidelity. These are actions that the cheating spouse must be doing in order for you to have security in the current relationship:

Those who want to heal their spouses and relationship are:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

So go through this and be honest with yourself. I look at what you wrote and I don't see her doing any of these things.

I think you only have very little of the truth here. I believe it was full on physical affair. I would highly suggest you get the book Co-Dependent no more, because of your inability to leave her due to her emotional manipulations.

u/macphile · 2 pointsr/personalfinance

And it's not going to get any closer to being paid off if she's paying for a fucking Lexus.

How does she expect this half-million dollar house to support her, realistically? Let's just say for the sake of argument that she paid the mortgage off before she retired. Then what? She's going to sell it and live off that (plus SS)? Well, it's a reasonable amount of money, so OK.

Except that's not how it's going to work because it's not as if the minute she turns 65 (or whatever), she suddenly ceases to care about how wealthy she looks or suddenly doesn't care about the luxuries she's been enjoying, be it good wine or nice trips or whatever. She's not going to start living like a woman who's depending on SS and modest withdrawals. She's going to keep making poor decisions, and she's going to come to you for help whenever she gets behind on a bill.

I've never read it, but there's a book that "everyone" recommends in these cases that may be of use--Boundaries.

u/snewclewn · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I feel you. This happened to me so many times, but with each relationship I was able to recover a little bit more of myself and establish more of my own boundaries. The fact that you have realized it is getting you much closer to those relationships that you want to have! Nice work.

This is what I would recommend; TLDR, it is very important to take care of your self and your esteem. After this, all will follow. I wrote a gigantic post because what you've described above is pretty much what I've been battling against most of my life.


  1. Do you like yourself? What do you like about yourself? Try celebrating this every day, or whenever you can. Doesn't have to be every day.
  2. Make a bucket list. What are the things you want to do by the time you die? This could literally be anything; my bucket list includes items like "master a particular skill" and "have an orgy". Doesn't have to be "serious", it's just what you want to do with you life.
  3. Spend time dressing yourself up. Find clothes that make you feel good, make you feel attractive. Pay attention to your body. If you haven't updated your wardrobe or your hair in a while, try and do those things. Find some kind of exercise that you enjoy, and try and stick with it: it will make a change in your body before long! If you have problems with nutrition, do some reading and figure out where you should make dietary changes.
  4. Try to revisit your hobbies, or any kind of thing that makes you feel happy; relaxing, sitting on a park bench on a nice day, etc. etc. Doesn't matter if it is "time wasting", just that it makes you feel good. Do anything that gets you back into your body: take a nice shower or bath, breathe deep, take a walk.
  5. Think about whether, in addition to co-dependency, you may also be battling either anxiety or depression (if you were raised by a narcissist, chances are high). Do some reading, I recommend these two books: ESPECIALLY, also Both books teach you about self-care, managing your boundaries and emotions, and breaking out of familiar patterns. I found the co-dependency book relevant even though I'm not a person who is actively trying to control other people; I still had the other behaviors, like taking care of people too much.
  6. Read Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child (available free here: This book is about how kids raised by narcissists generally have a lot of trouble seeing themselves and seeing their own needs. They construct a false self for their parents, and then learn that the false self -- nice, accomplished, supportive, always there, without expressive impulses (including "negative" emotions like anger or boredom) -- is more valued than their True Self -- i.e. who they are, as a human being, with their complete range of emotions, impulses, and desires for expression.
  7. Learn about how to communicate assertively.
  8. Learn to not apologize for existing, for taking up space, having needs. There's nothing to apologize for you, because you are, you are a human with Maslow's hierarchy like all the other humans!
  9. Do things for yourself every day, just because you want to do them.
  10. Make sure you're getting adequate sleep, food, exercise, sunlight.

    Now, as for setting boundaries:

    1.) Hang out with the friends that you like (or mostly like). Think about why you like them.

    2.) Think about moments where your friends do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Don't dismiss your feelings, explore them. Examples:

  • Friend seems like she only wants to hang out whenever she decides.
  • Feeling third wheeled by two or more friends.
  • Always letting others decide activities because you don't think they will value yours.
  • Friend does something which makes you angry, or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable (like hitting on you, or maybe making an off color joke, or condoning something you don't like)
  • Feelings of tagging along, or side kicking, or taking care of other people
  • Feeling like you have to be the "loyal" one
  • Being made to feel guilty, or pressured into an activity; being made to feel like your time is less important

    3.) Think about why these moments (or others) make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe make a list of past moments. Think about what you would do if you were being assertive -- not aggressive, but accurately and forwardly communicating your feelings.

  • Suggest activities to your friend who wants to control the situation/only wants to hang out when she decides; if she declines, or continues to act uninterested, be up front on how her behavior makes you feel.
  • If feeling third wheeled, hang out with different friends. There are other people around, and it is definitely hard to expand social structures, but it's possible!!
  • Make a list of activities that you prefer, and then propose them. If your friends aren't interested, find a meetup for people that are interested in those kinds of things, and then do them! You will find one or two people that you like.
  • Tagging along, or side kicking: remember that you are valuable. Take value in yourself. Don't hang around with people who may see you as less; meet new people and then set boundaries with them. I.e. if they are late to things and you don't like lateness, let them know that you are a little upset. If they treat your personal possessions with disrespect, let them know it. If they make assumptions about you that are wrong, or say things to put you down, let them know it and that you do not like it. Doing this helps set healthy boundaries with people for the future, and sets up respect. When people need your compassion later, for the REAL issues, you can be there to take care of them. But in the meantime, no need to be their butler or the ever sympathetic person. And if they try to make you feel bad about asserting yourself or having these feelings, rest easy, laugh at their behavior, and find other friends.
  • Friends who do or say things that make you angry or uncomfortable: confront them about it assertively, as soon as it happens. Don't be nervous about it: if you are concerned that this person will threaten physical violence, then I wouldn't be friends with them anymore. Don't worry that they will leave you: if they leave you, oh well! You still have Team yellowpencils. Team yellowpencils is who you have now and it's who you will have until you die, and it's the most important team in the world. Learn to love your team and always be on your own side. (For the nitpickers, this doesn't mean turn out to be a sociopath or never know when to own responsibility for one's actions and mistakes; just that you must, at the end of the day, love and care for yourself).
  • Feeling that you have to be the "loyal" one: forget this feeling. If someone is manipulating you and putting you down, while still asking for your sacrifices, tell them how they make you feel and then, most likely, leave. People like this assume you're easy to victimize, or will never confront them. You have more power than you know.
  • Feeling pressured, being made to feel guilty: no one has a right to your time above and beyond you. You don't owe anyone an explanation for wanting to spend time by yourself or to do activities with other people. If someone wants you to do something which is against your personal code of ethics, remember that the social costs of doing so are most likely outweighed by the personal benefits of staying true to Team yellowpencils.
    4.) Consider ending friendships with people whom you really like (for their personality, for instance) but who obviously do not value your time or do not respect you as a person.

    Making NEW friends:

    1.) My personal strategy is, follow the energy. If I am getting positive vibes from people; if I am enjoying their company without feeling compromised; if there is a give and take in the relationship from BOTH sides; I continue it. If there is not, I drop it quietly before I'm in the friendship/relationship too much.
    2.) If you are noticing old patterns show up in new friends:

  • try and recognize old patterns, first off.
  • Try to figure out where the other person is bending or crossing boundaries. Think about what kind of person you're being routinely attracted to: do they look like your narcissistic parent? Remember that in order to get new friends, you do NOT have to offer a "perfect" friendship where you are never mad and always attending to their needs.
  • Start calling out these new friends on their bullshit earlier: you just may turn the relationship around.
  • Move on: If you feel like this person may just be too similar to past narcissistic friendships, or they are crossing too many boundaries, even though you have tried to talk to them about it.
  • Try and act like how you want to be treated from day one. This doesn't mean, waiting to call someone out on their bullshit until you know what to expect from them: this means doing it immediately. Your survival skills that you learned from your narcissistic parent, like controlling your feelings now, observing, waiting, hiding, confronting when things are "safe" (let's be honest, they were never safe) are no longer necessary, because you are in a new phase of your life where survival no longer has to be the top priority: your happiness is.

    3.) Accept good will. Wherever someone wants to support you, or help you, and you're getting the good energy vibes: be not afraid, explore this a bit. Learn to extend your trust to someone who wants to help. People get quite a bit from helping others out. Let someone help you for a change.
    4.) Act in a friendship how you want to act, not how you think others will like. You'll meet people who like what you are, that you never expected! Accept that not everyone will like who you are or will like your choices.
    5.) Sometimes you're still gonna get burned.

    Since I've made the above changes, I've been happier and have seen a definite increase in the quality of my relationships and the quality of the people I meet and hang out with. I have a better sense of my own boundaries and sense of self. That isn't to say I've totally battled away anxiety or depression, or falling for narcissistic relationships: just have to keep my focus and keep working on my self-care. The more I practice this stuff, the more it becomes instinctual; this will be true for you too.

    Hope this helps!
u/Derpahontas · 2 pointsr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

Beyond Codependency. It's a self-help book.

The book before it was called Codependent No More and its main focus was to help the reader learn to detach from the toxic people in their lives that they are centering their own happiness and well-being around based on the other person's behavior (mainly alcoholics or addicts) and trying to control their addictions and bevaiors for them. It helped me through a really bad time in my life and helped me learn that I am worth happiness and I don't deserve what I've been putting up with but that I also can't control it and keep basing my happiness off of how an addict was doing with their addictions. I really recommend it to anybody who is or was ever in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic (or has addict/alcoholic parents, etc). It really just helps you understand things in a healthy way that's best for you. It helps you let go. I never read a self help book before that, but I couldn't recommend it enough.

Anyway, Beyond Codependency is the next book after that and its focus is to help you focus on self-care. I just started reading it so I don't have much to offer but Amazon's description.

Amazon's description: Beyond Codependency dedicated to those struggling to master the art of self-care. It is a book about what to do once the pain has stopped and you've begun to suspect that you have a life to live. It is about what happens next. In simple, straightforward terms, Beattie takes you into the territory beyond codependency, into the realm of recovery and relapse, family-of-origin work and relationships, surrender and spirituality. With personal stories, hard-won insights, and activities, her book teaches the lessons of dealing with shame, growing in self-esteem, overcoming deprivation, and getting past fatal attractions long enough to find relationships that work.

u/kidelo · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

The best therapist I ever had recommended this book to me almost 30 years ago, and it turned out to be the key that unlocked one of my chains. I hope it helps.

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

u/A_Wellesley · 2 pointsr/OrthodoxChristianity

I have only heard good things about this book, from Orthodox Christians to Catholics to Protestants. In my ridiculously armchair opinion, there may be a boundary problem between you and your wife (yes, even spouses must establish boundaries with each other) that's contributing to overall dissatisfaction in the marriage.

u/wppt · 2 pointsr/gaming

This sounds fairly familiar and I'm likely biased however it seems you would benefit from working on having healthier relationships with more boundaries and communication. See if work had an Employee Assistance Program or your medical insurance had a referral program for therapy.

You can also do some reading on co-dependency and Al-Anon which is targeted at people who grew up with or have current relationships with substance abusers/alcoholics but is applicable to many more people. Both have helped me to help myself and improve my relationships and satisfaction with my life in general.

u/Barnard33F · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

How about a helping hand:
[snip snip glue glue]

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

  • Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  • Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  • Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

    If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
u/Xemnas81 · 2 pointsr/TrueOffMyChest

> It wouldn't matter much except I already feel like I'm not good enough for him because he's just easily the hottest man I've ever met

low self esteem and needy. OR, know you're hot shit, but fishing for compliments from strangers. Latter is annoying and a form of Munchausen syndrome or covert narcissism. In case of the former, please get therapy!

>and hearing him deadpan about how I have old lady boobs or chipmunk teeth or a loose vagina feels weird.

I mean if he's joking, then this is clearly to wind you up, a bit of harmless fun. If not, it's a little fishy.

> I know it's something I'll get used to (we've only been really together for about a week)

a week 0_0

> but it's uncomfortable for now. He lets me get stuck in these stupid arguments and ends them cracking up at how seriously I take him when he's joking.

This is called 'push/pull' in PUA or negging, it ranges from teasing through to serious attacks on self esteem. If you don't find it funny or are secure about the little digs, then it's not cool, tell him to stop. Stand up for yourself!

> Or he jokes that he's going to break up with me or that he doesn't like me but doesn't really ever emphasize that he's joking (but I know he is because 20 minutes later we're in a toy store and he's dropping $100 on toys to play with my baby brother).

These ones are a bit more dodgy and point closer to emotional abuse, especially these threats to break up…but then it could be his (dry, DARK) sense of humour. The fact he's paying so much when you've been together like a week, is a bit of a red flag. Are you financially independent?

> It sucks because in a lot of ways it feels like I've found the man I'm going to end up marrying. We're both a little weird but we understand each other. We have the same values. He makes up for what I lack and I think I'm a good influence on him, too.

You know you share the same values…after a week together? What values are those?

What do you feel you bring to the reship?

> We were talking about our sexual histories recently and I initially didn't care about his number but now I'm feeling a little insecure every time we do something sexual. There's just no statistical likelihood that I am the best anything he's ever had. I have some very nice features but I don't feel like I'll ever be his favorite anything :(

Fishing for compliments again :p

> I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not good enough for this guy and he's settling for me because he's getting antsy to settle down.

Wild Nice Girl?

(Funny that this definition treats you like a victim rather than misogynist…hmm.)

> He's done nothing short of treating me like a queen

this is great, but please make sure that he respects you, and doesn't just try and dazzle you and buy his way into your pants

> and I'm worried he's just faking it. I feel so stupid but it's a real worry of mine. I have no reason to believe he isn't invested in me or isn't attracted to me other than knowing what he looks like (amazing) and how he lives (has a shit ton of fun and friends) vs what I look like (cute but definitely not hot enough for him) and how I live (depressed, boring, no friends, nothing really going for me right now).


Dude it's like I've stumbled across Bella Swan incarnate.

You're doing this 'compare+despair' thing which if you were a guy would be repulsive. I now realise that you're recovering from depression; did you have CBT? Were you taught any techniques to deal with Negative Automatic Thoughts and toxic core beliefs?

> I haven't known him long enough to feel comfortable bringing it up... It usually takes a few months of dating someone for me to feel comfortable advocating for myself like this.

OK, so you have had boyfriends before. May I ask, why did you guys break up?

> So I have to suck it up and just either work up the courage to say "hey, I feel weird about this and I'd feel better if we did something to make me more comfortable," or I need to accept that my inaction means I also forfeit my right to be upset about it.

Yeah OP this is a bit of a red flag. You've got [Aunties derp typos, that should read you've got ONEITIS on this guy.] ( Except you're dating him as opposed to friendzoned.
Carry on with this attitude however, and you are likely to either

a) Be one of the rare women to get friendzoned

b) End up in an abusive relationship which will make you miserable.

I am NOT saying that your partner is abusive. We simply do not have enough info to determine that about a total stranger. What I AM saying, is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally (not just physically, you gym bunny you) to ensure no one takes advantage of you.

If you feel any of these above links relate to you, please consider reading the book Co-Dependent No More, and tell me if it helps. :)

tl;dr Gurl you need to get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Good luck!

u/wvwwvwwvw · 2 pointsr/Adoption

>I'm sure you would have preferred to not watch your son go through that. I'm sure given the choice you would have opted out of him having been exposed to drugs.

He probably wouldn't be my son if not for the issues that contributed to and resulted from his firstmama becoming an addict, he probably would have been able to be raised in his biological family. I wish all wanted kids were able to be raised in their biological families, and I wish that our society responded to the risk factors for and the disease of addiction better so that people had more support, more treatment options and more social awareness around addiction. My love for him and desire to see him have a life free of any trauma, and my selfish self-interest in wanting to be his mother, are certainly at war in that thought experiment.

>But I also think this post has been glorifying drug addiction like it's an acceptable thing. Accepting it for what it is is...

I absolutely do think we should accept addiction for what it is - a disease. Would you stigmatize a firstmother with mental illness? With cancer? Addicts don't pop into the world with the desire to become addicts, to expose infants to opiates or whatever, etc. The number one predictor of addiction for women, is being sexually abused as a child. Trauma in general plays a huge role. Millions of people try drugs and never become addicts, and the role of childhood trauma in those who do become addicts - well if that alone doesn't trigger your sympathy then you are really truly cold. Try reading In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts by addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Mate before you ever open your callous, uninformed mouth on this subject again, please.

>glorifying drug addiction
>I just don't think people need to worry about offending someone is who going down hill.
>They need help, not someone telling them that their behavior is ok.

Your post - even this one and even while maintaining otherwise - is full of stigmatizing, offensive language.

If degredation and lack of respect beat back and cured addiction, there would be no more addicts - they face more than enough of it. They're at high risk for homelessness, abuse, disease, rape, pain, family estrangement, loss of their children, prison and all sorts of degredation. If you sincerely think that by being a complete jerk about addiction, instead of being kind and compassionate, you are doing anything helpful, you're flat out wrong. Read Dr. Mate's book. He, as a doctor and specialist, explains it much better than I could.

I understand that you're likely just preaching the same bad addiction language you've heard in your life, so I encourage you to rise above it, get educated and do better. Especially if you want to do anything about drug abuse in the world - because believe me all the degredation hasn't been enough to end it so maybe it's time to try something new.

u/kevlore · 2 pointsr/alcoholism

One of the most progressive minds focused specifically on addiction that I've discovered belongs to Dr. Gabor Mate, and there are numerous, profoundly insightful and amazing lectures of his available to watch online.

Alternately, his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts is in my (addicted) opinion one of the most important books on addiction ever written.

Hope this was helpful. My heart goes out to you and your friend.

u/Clark_Savage_Jr · 2 pointsr/slatestarcodex

That's roughly the theme of Dr. Gabor Maté's book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts".

Link on Amazon

I haven't read it but I've heard good things about it from people who have.

u/alividlife · 2 pointsr/OpiatesRecovery

Yea, I just got home. I'm bored, mini rants incoming.

When I first heard of The Four Agreements, I was in detox back in 09 or something. And this tweaker chick kept going manic. She'd be happy/sad/angry/empty... just over and over. She was throwing chairs, and freaking out, but she kept telling me to read that book. So I had to, because she had excellent chair throwing skills. It was a great read, ... very very interesting take on spirituality but it is pretty applicable. It's a feel good philosophy warrior book thing.

The Power of Now. I had what AA would call a "spiritual awakening" and it really wasn't much like a burning bush, but A LOT like this guy talks about in this book. When I was about to kill myself with a teener of dope, I had this very very strange experience where I couldn't identify with myself anymore. .. "Who is this person that wants to die so badly?... Who am I?" It really changed things. The power of now was the most powerful thing I've read.

The New Earth is pretty interesting. I have to disagree with some points, because traditionally, you can't really get rid of the ego. The ego is necessary to survive. But it's interesting. It's worth a read, especially someone stuck in a facility with only their remorse and addiction to keep them company.

I personally LOVE Gabor Mate. This guy deals with the most tragic cases of addiction in Vancouver, and he's a neurologist and he has some pretty good insights on addiction. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's partly where I came up with my flair.

Rational Recovery was another I would suggest. It's a lot like those Allen Carr Easy Way to Quit Smoking. But the basic idea is disassociation from the "Addictive Voice". That it's not ME that wants to get high, but my addiction. That shit rocked my world when I learned it, and I immediately integrated it into my first step in Narcotics Anonymous.
EDIT, Rational Recovery, and Jack Trimpey are VERY AGAINST 12 step ideology. He HATES IT, and he hates the God idea. I get that, but I cannot and will not deny the therapeautic value of one addict helping another. Nothing compares. Even Bill W. in AA wrote about it in his memoirs and grapevines and the Big Book. "When all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic saved the day."

Tao de Ching really helped me. Although it may be missattributed, the whole "Living in the Past is living in depression, living in the future is living in anger and fear, living in the now is living in peace."

So, as you can see, I really like the "now" concept, but it's helped me stay clean and be happy about it. Non-fiction would probably be great too. But these are very spiritual new agey ideas.

This reminds me, I need to read The Spirituality of Imperfection.


I highly recommend the NA Basic Text, and I love the Step Working Guide.

u/tryify · 2 pointsr/SuicideWatch

Read like, the first page of each of these books.

Look at how many people voted in 2014.

"Some 93 million eligible citizens did not vote."

Look at dem numbers.

You are the next generation. Great tv series, btw. You are part of the hope that casts a light upon the world.

Also, sorry, skimmed through your post history to perhaps glean what ails you, but perhaps your anxiety/stress stemming from these surrounding issues are increasing the occurrence of a lack of proper airflow/air intake during sleep, and disrupting the process of healing that's supposed to occur during the night, leading to long-term damage to your heart?

Your parents love you for a reason, and you shouldn't feel that resources or money are even a factor in their considerations. They love you, period, and you'll have plenty of time to repay your family/society/whoever you want just through the act of living well.\

Also, there's a lot of technology coming around the corner where organ fabrication/replacement/etc. is going to be a very common/real thing, but that's not to say that you can't still work with your doctor to mitigate symptoms/risks for now.

Take care, friend. Life is a strange journey indeed, but it can be rewarding if you let it be.

Edit: I would say that it's a nice poem, but I cannot agree that the best way to get back at those you feel have slighted you is to cease one's own existence. That would be tantamount to a full surrender. You still have some fight left in you, don't you? Fighting back is the best way to give the bird to all the turds.

u/TitoTheMidget · 2 pointsr/IAmA

> The people that act like people are bad for having physical beauty standards, the ones that act entitled to attractive people who are in shape,

I mean yeah fuck all that.

>the ones that shun all good advice when it comes to dieting

Another characteristic of addiction. You think they don't know that they should be eating healthier? You think a junkie doesn't know that heroin is slowly killing them? Changing a bad habit is hard enough, and when it's also physically addictive it fucks with your brain in a way that makes you justify it to maintain your self image.

I mean, yeah, "stop eating fatty foods" is good advice, and so is "don't shoot heroin," but it's literally not that easy, and it doesn't do anyone any good to pretend that it is.

>I'm fucking tired of hearing about their problems that are absolutely easy to address.

This right here makes me think you need to read a psychology book, or anything at all about addiction. I'd recommend In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts - it focuses on drugs, but as the author notes, the same patterns are present with any kind of addiction, including overeating.

u/and_hank_mardukas · 2 pointsr/AbuseInterrupted

This idea is the crux of Gabor Mate's book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, a fascinating look into the correlation between early nurturing and addiction/abuse.

u/jean-paul_kierkemarx · 2 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

While it can be easy to see abusers and "junkies" as degenerates who are suffering the repercussions of their own poor decisions, a closer look often reveals that compassion, not judgement, is needed.Many people end up using out of desperation, searching for some solace in a life of poverty,abuse, and loneliness. To pretend like those from drug-addicted, abusive homes have significant "free choice" in the matter--similar to a white, suburban college kid "saying no" to drugs at a frat party--is absurd.

A life free of substance abuse is not necessarily something to be commended for, but rather something for which to give thanks: you have likely been dealt a hand relatively devoid of desperate circumstances.

I highly recommend anyone interested in addiction check out In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate, a physician who works with hardcore addicts at Vancouver's safe injection site.

u/Lentspark · 2 pointsr/trees

Im reading his book In the realm of hungry ghosts right now; very interesting read if you liked what he said in the documentary. Difficult to put down, but also difficult to read sometimes based on the subjects he discusses and the case studies he recalls.