All of your solutions involve disconnecting from her and disconnecting her from the world. You can't then turn around and expect her to happily and cooperatively work with you.

I'm phoneposting while on vacation so I'm not going to get deep into this, but let me recommend my favorite books on the subject: The Explosive Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

TL;DR: Run.

This reminds me of a story I read recently on another forum where a woman's husband of something like 20 years up and decided he wanted to be polyamorous (open relationships with multiple lovers). To make matters worse, he and everyone else (including her therapist) were telling her she should be more "loving" and "accepting" of his decision and remain in the (now open) marriage with him. She was completely devastated. This seems to be the tone of some of the responses here and frankly I find it sickening because this advice could potentially be pretty destructive to you if you buy into it.

I think you feeling NOT OK about your girlfriend becoming a stripper is completely valid and that MOST PEOPLE would feel the SAME way. I know I would. I support people being strippers, and I support people going to strip clubs, but it's just not for me. If you are really not OK with this, then I think it would be healthiest for you to fully accept your feelings and to make it a bottom line that if she continues she'll be ending the relationship. END OF DISCUSSION. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. People typically only want to "discuss" it or to have you explain yourself so they can manipulate you into changing your mind. If you're NOT OK with it then I think it would be in your best interest to put your foot down and tell her so and not discuss it further. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD REASON OR ANY AT ALL. If you don't like it, then you don't like it. That's how it is. Her friend doesn't need to be apart of the discussion either because it's none of her fucking business.

I don't CARE if it's 2012 - you DO NOT have to support her decision. What a crock of BS. I could understand you supporting her and STILL breaking up with her because it's NOT OK with you, but you DO NOT have to support her decision AND still continue in a relationship with her. You don't have to let ANYONE manipulate you into believing this is OK if it's NOT OK with you.

And frankly, I'm less concerned with her wanting to be a stripper and more with HOW she has approached this. She straight up abused you to manipulate you into supporting her decision. It sounds to me like she already made up her mind and was just letting you know about her decision (which is BS). She didn't like you disagreeing with her, so she became irrationally angry with you, called you names, gave you bullshit excuses why this is "good" (for her), and she even used her friend to gang up on you and try and make you feel sick and crazy about how you feel. This is disgusting behavior and a recipe for a very unhappy life for you if you continue with her. I would shut these toxic, unhealthy tactics down completely - you do NOT deserve this treatment. Throw your bottom lines on the table and walk away. A bottom line isn't up for discussion. If she continues, then follow through and walk away. I think it's as simple as that.

Even if you ultimately determine that you don't have a problem with her stripping, my concern is that she's shown you how she handles major decisions - she makes them, lets you know about them (no discussion) and if you communicate your dislike of her decision, she'll abuse you until you back down and allow her to do what she wants. You're NOT being a progressive, open and understanding man by being so "cool" about this and by not getting angry. Getting angry relative to her actions here would be TOTALLY understandable and healthy. You don't have to do anything violent, but maybe that anger would motivate you into kicking her to the curb and maybe you'd be happier you did, rather than sticking around for her to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants and you better just like it or else. There are many people out there who would never think to just up and make major life decisions like this and abuse you for not liking it. You deserve better then this, but better probably isn't going to come along until you DECIDE to stop putting up with toxic bullshit.

If you're really ambivalent about this relationship, I recommend reading Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This book helped me tremendously, especially chapter 14 on RESPECT.

Good luck.

Well, first off, stop spanking. Teaching a child not to hit by hitting them, even lightly, is patently insane and counterproductive. And yes, throwing away his toys is just making him resent you and is pushing him away from you, meaning he now has no internal motivation to respect or listen to you. Because that is emotionally damaging.

Second off, the only kind of discipline you seem to use are punishments. Quoting myself from a similar (now deleted) recent thread:

>You can't solely punish your way out of bullying behaviors. Negative reinforcement isn't nearly as effective as positive reinforcement in the long run, and what little effectiveness it has drops off enormously the more time passes between the misbehavior and the punishment.

>Why? Because when you take their electronics, or make them do chores, or spank them, they aren't making that connection between what they did and their punishment. Even if you explain to them "I'm taking your things because you hit your brother," they aren't listening to that. I mean, they are and they understand, but they don't understand. They're just thinking about the fact that they lost their stuff. When you spank them (which by the way, don't do that), even occasionally, they aren't thinking "wow, I better not do this again," they're thinking "this really hurts, I want it to stop", and nothing else. Their negative emotions at being punished blocks the connection and thought process from happening.

>Punishments essentially make it hard for kids to make the connection between misbehaviors and consequences, and hence it does little to correct future problems. In other words, punishments do little more than breed resentment between himself and you. He pushes you away and is less receptive to talking to you. He likely in part blames his brother for his punishments, not himself, making everything worse. He becomes apathetic and "used" to punishments, and so becomes apathetic towards future punishments, and thus feels like he has nothing to lose. The misbehavior repeats.

Do you ever praise him for wanted behaviors like being nice? Go out of your way to say "you're being really nice right now" or "I'm proud of you for behaving so well" when he has a good moment or day. Give him a high five or a hug. In other words, if you're going to use rewards/punishments, focus on the positive end of reinforcements much more than punishments. Punishments should be a last resort, not the first. Maybe try a rewards system of some kind, but if you do, do it right.

Rewards and punishments are extrinsically motivating though. Intrinsic motivation is more effective. In other words, you need his motivation to behave to come from within. The best way to do that is to, again, don't just punish, punish, and punish. That breeds resentment between him and you, and he'll push you away. If it gets bad enough, he might actually grow to resent you so much that he'll misbehave with the intent to spite you. You don't want that. The other way is to get him involved in his own behavioral correction.

_____

I like analogies. Imagine a a child trying to learn how to do long division, but they keep messing up. Would you just send him to time-out and throw his toys out or spank him and until he figures out long division on his own? I would hope not. No, the right approach is to teach him the steps of long division, practice with him, and then have him practice on his own.

Behavior problems are no different. Your child literally doesn't have the emotional or cognitive maturity to handle the feelings of frustration and anger. Sending him to his room or taking away his toys won't help him learn how to tackle the root causes of his outbursts or how to regulate his feelings in a mature manner.

You need to treat him misbehaving like you would any other problem. By all means, remove him from the situation to let him calm down, but then once he's calm and ready to talk, get down on his eye level, tell him you want him to open up and that you won't be angry if he's honest with you, and basically talk him through what went wrong - what caused him to "forget" how to behave?

Example: If he hit his sister, don't ask him why he hit his sister - bringing up his offense might make him shut down out of fear. Instead, ask him what made him get angry. Try and put yourself in his shoes - maybe his sister wasn't sharing, for example. Ask him what he was thinking, and be as specific as possible without bringing up the misbehavior itself. Then brainstorm "solutions" with him. "How do you think you can get your toy from your sister like a grown up? Like a big, mature boy?" Brainstorm a solution - "Maybe you can ask her nicely for the toy, and if she still says no, come to mommy or daddy and tell us your sister isn't sharing."

Then, role-play and practice with him. Do this every time. By doing this, you're a) giving him the means to handle these big emotions in a mature manner, b) reducing resentment by talking to him like an adult and by asking him to open up to you, c) by him opening up to you and involving him in his behavioral correction, you give him that intrinsic motivation to behave better, because he won't want to disappoint you or himself. Because kids want to behave. They don't like these big, negative emotions they're feeling either, but they often don't know how to process and handle them.

The book I used for my own kid was The Explosive Child. This method can take a long time to work, so don't be surprised if he doesn't change in a week, or even in a couple months. Because it takes practice on both your end and your son's end. You can also check out the [author's website]
(http://www.livesinthebalance.org/) for an executive summary of this method.

Social worker here. Contrary to what other posters are saying, I might report this to CPS for suspicion of emotional abuse. The key factor is how long you're doing it for. Complete isolation from peers is detrimental to an adolescent's social and emotional development. A week or two of isolation? They'll survive. A month? Borderline. Six months? I'm absolutely calling it in.

Now, CPS wouldn't remove your child from the home in this situation. They would most likely provide information on adolescent developmental needs and encourage you to let your kid have some limited social contact. It's possible they would require you to do so and/or require you to take a parenting class. This would be a very good thing. You can learn techniques to end the power struggle and restore (or create for the first time) a relationship built on trust and respect. If you want to look into that on your own, some good starting points are this web site and this book.

ETA: Also, check out r/parenting!

Your situation is a classic case represented in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

I hate shilling for anything, but this book is a goldmine. Has even helped me to communicate with the missus.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I am the wayward in my relationship and my wife and I have been in R for over 4 years.

This isn't your fault. Read this over and over again. What you are going through is the discovery that the person the that you had invested in a relationship which you believed was monogamous has shown you that the relationship wasn't the same for them.

The innocent trust, safety, and security, which was invested at the beginning of the relationship is gone. It was wiped away from finding out the person you trusted attacked the foundation of the relationship.

Most professionals put this timeline for this healing at 2-5 years, and there is good reason for this timeline. First is that the wayward has lost all credibility in their words, which requires them to back up those words with actions. If the actions they do don't match the words they say then that sets off alarms. It takes consistent effort and work on the part of the wayward to show the betrayed that they mean what they say and doesn't happen in weeks.

Most of the world believes that getting over infidelity is: Forgive, Forget, move on. This is complete bullshit because in order to get over this you need to be shown that the person you are sharing your relationship is still not betraying you and sharing it with others behind your back.

So lets look at this formula which is usually spouted by those who don't know shit about healing from infidelity.

Forgive - You cannot forgive what you don't know about. This is why you will continue to ask questions. When something the wayward says just doesn't make sense you will question. Questioning helps you in two ways. First it is a check to see if your memory is right about an answer given. This is because there is a "Trauma Fog" in the brain after you discovery infidelity. Your brain is racing full stop 100% because its trying to figure out if you are safe or not. This is tiring so you are dealing with that. Second it is a check on the wayward to see if the story is the same. Sadly most waywards just lie, and they build stories. Problem is that since the events in the lies are false, there is no real memory to rely on to repeat them verbatim. There will be mistakes made and things will change if they are lying.

You aren't doing this to torture your wayward, you are doing this because this is controlled by the limbic system in the brain which controls the fight or flight impulses. This system is NOT controlled by the logical systems in the brain and works kinda independently. This is why you can't will this stuff away and it keeps coming back.

So the fact is that you need to know if what you have been told is the truth. The brain, under the control of the limbic system is going up and down the timeline of the relationship in your memory trying to sort out the truth of the relationship, the truth of what you have been told, and try to resolve any and all red flags that come up in your mind even with situations which happened at the very beginnings of the relationship.

Forget - There is no magic pill that will remove this from your life. You can't forget it. Forgetting about it means that you are trying to push it under the surface and not process it. What happens in this situation is that you live your life and there is this huge affair shaped elephant that you have to deal with in every interaction. Its there, and no matter what you guys do you can't ignore it. So finally after ignoring the elephant for a few months something happens and all of a sudden this huge swell of rage, and sorrow comes to the surface and its usually during a small conversation about why someone didn't clean the coffee pot or something like that.

Move on - I hate this phrase. It makes it seem that infidelity is this 4 car accident on the highway that you creep up on and then finally are able to move past and then get back up to speed and continue the journey. Affairs aren't accidents or mistakes. I prefer the term Move Through. This means that in order to heal from this you need to process what has happened. You need as much detail as you need in order for your brain to sit back and say... yeah... ok.. I can deal with this now... the holes in the past are patched with that ugly infidelity wall paper but at least the pieces fit together and I am reasonably certain I have as much truth as I need. The second part of this moving through is that your wayward partner / spouse needs to figure out what the fuck is inside his head that allowed him to choose to do this. Mind you, this was a choice. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't a mistake. It was a choice.

Moving through means that the wayward has to change some deep parts of themselves which allowed them the ability to do this. So this means that they have to address issues with their lack of honesty, lack of transparency etc.

Holy fuck, I can write a wall of text... I am getting to the end of this, I promise...

So I am going to recommend two books at this point. These were instrumental in me pulling my head out of my ass and helping me get to a point where my wife and I have been able to continue to be in reconciliation.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF

This book is 90 pages and gets into the actions of what the wayward needs to start doing in order to help you heal. She gives a list of 15 actions and attitudes which are key to recovery.

The second book is:

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

This book is one of the heavy hitters. It can be hugely triggery for a betrayed because she uses examples from her clients to show how affairs start and move through the phases. However she does have good information on treating infidelity on a traumatic level because research has shown that the effects of infidelity on the betrayed are akin to those found in PTSD symptoms of those who have been in major accidents, natural disasters, and even combat.

Again, I am sorry that you are here. This is hard when the wayward is doing all the right things, and its next to impossible when they aren't.

In the book Not "Just Friends", Dr. Glass explains that persons with prior sexual history should be off limits because they've already had shared experiences and lowered boundaries. Having this guy around doesn't just sound like a bad idea from you, from the professionals, and other redditors; it IS a bad idea!

There's a ton of studies; typically they are done in the context of trying to figure out more effective marriage therapy.
The first interesting thing you learn is that about 50% of marriages deal with infidelity and in about 50% of cases the couple stays together and their marriage gets better.
Well maybe the first thing you learn is that deadbedroom is surprisingly pretty evenly split between men and women ... which adds up with the infidelity rates.

Start here

Well, we hit the 10000 limit. Reserving this comment for the misc. section.

FREE TIME/FUN/MISC.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
The Art of War
Steal This Computer Book 4.0: What They Won't Tell You about the Internet
How to Disappear: Erase Your Digital Footprint, Leave False Trails, and Vanish without a Trace
The Best of 2600: A Hacker Odyssey
Super Crunchers: Why Thinking-by-Numbers Is the New Way to Be Smart
Casting the Net: From ARPANET to INTERNET and Beyond thanks sjhill
A Quarter Century of UNIX thanks sjhill
A Reading List For the Self-Taught Computer Scientist thanks zinver
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk thanks segamix
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable thanks AgonistAgent
Snow Crash thanks AgonistAgent
Cryptonomicon thanks Mirple

Texts and Reference Books

Days in the Lives of Social Workers

DSM-5

Child Development, Third Edition: A Practitioner's Guide

Racial and Ethnic Groups

Social Work Documentation: A Guide to Strengthening Your Case Recording

Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond

[Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life]
(https://www.amazon.com/Thoughts-Feelings-Harbinger-Self-Help-Workbook/dp/1608822087/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=3ZW7PRW5TK2PB0MDR9R3)

Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model

[The Clinical Assessment Workbook: Balancing Strengths and Differential Diagnosis]
(https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0534578438/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_38?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ARCO1HGQTQFT8)

Helping Abused and Traumatized Children

Essential Research Methods for Social Work

Navigating Human Service Organizations

Privilege: A Reader

Play Therapy with Children in Crisis

The Color of Hope: People of Color Mental Health Narratives

The School Counseling and School Social Work Treatment Planner

Streets of Hope : The Fall and Rise of an Urban Neighborhood

Deviant Behavior

Social Work with Older Adults

The Aging Networks: A Guide to Programs and Services

[Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice]
(https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0415884810/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy

Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change

Ethnicity and Family Therapy

Human Behavior in the Social Environment: Perspectives on Development and the Life Course

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Generalist Social Work Practice: An Empowering Approach

Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents

DBT Skills Manual

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets

Social Welfare: A History of the American Response to Need

Novels

[A People’s History of the United States]
(https://www.amazon.com/Peoples-History-United-States/dp/0062397346/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1511070674&sr=1-1&keywords=howard+zinn&dpID=51pps1C9%252BGL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch)


The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Tuesdays with Morrie

The Death Class <- This one is based off of a course I took at my undergrad university

The Quiet Room

Girl, Interrupted

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Flowers for Algernon

Of Mice and Men

A Child Called It

Go Ask Alice

Under the Udala Trees

Prozac Nation

It's Kind of a Funny Story

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Yellow Wallpaper

The Bell Jar

The Outsiders

To Kill a Mockingbird

I have no idea how to bring this up to your husband. I can't imagine how to have such a difficult talk, and I don't envy you that at all. But what I can say is that you have intuition for a reason. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that talks about how we intentionally suppress that intuition that someone might be dangerous because we're taught to be polite. The same guy also wrote Protecting the Gift about how to protect your children, which I assume works on the same principles, to trust your intuition because so often we pick up on nonverbal cues that we can't put into words but that still warn us when something isn't right.

Without more information on your general mental state or without seeing your FIL's behaviors, I obviously can't speak to his actual intentions and I can't really advise a course of action. But I want to urge you to trust your intuition. I don't think it's wise to live in fear of everyone, but I do think that if your gut is telling you something so strongly, don't ignore it.

>I know it sounds like bullshit, but I have no reason to lie to you since you don't know me and I don't know you. I had had exactly the same feelings years ago for a female friend of mine when I was living abroad. My behavior could even be described as an "admiration of foreigners."

You absolutely do have a reason to lie to us.

You are deceiving yourself into believing this relationship with your co-worker is platonic and you're desperate to believe your own lies.

You're also asking for advice on how to manipulate your husband into allowing you to have an emotional and most certainly physical affair.

I recommend you read this book.

If it takes a glass to create a divorce, there were more problems in the relationship beyond the glass. There's a book called Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman that illustrates that several minor incidents create an environment that leads to divorce (e.g. passive-aggressive behavior, escalation, lack of empathy, etc.). It's a lot of little things over a long time that ruin a marriage - but, most importantly each person fails to see the "good" in the other... what made them fall in love with each other. The relationship turns into a battleground, a place where only being right matters.

Here's the book if you're curious

UGH I've said this in other threads about him not changing diapers but TANNER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE MY EX-HUSBAND.


Jade, girl, just please read this book and consider whether this is really what you want.

She's 12 and can't stay out until 8?

She's 12 and being called "baby" and having you referred to as Daddy?

And then there's screaming... Shoot.

I would start treating her as less of a little kid. Which may sound counter-intuitive, but you're not going to get great behaviour out of treating her like she's 9. Which includes the back-and-forth part here; it's like you're coaxing a toddler. Don't do that. "I need you home now; I'll be there at [time] to pick you up," and don't text again, and just arrive.

It takes two to have a fight, so don't engage with the yelling.

Non-punishment-based discipline is a lot more peaceful (and, generally, effective) but I don't know of a good reference for it for tweens -- anybody got a suggestion? Faber and Mazlish probably have your back on this, though.

My major reddit participation is deadbedrooms. Some dude came over to my sub to post about how his wife was violently gang raped as a child and won't allow anal sex and how anal is the ultimate symbol of love and trust. He was downvoted into oblivion, my sub gave him a piece of our mind and deleted his post and then reposted to R/sex and r/marriedredpill. I followed him and doled out my votes and yes I made a comment saying I think he is not trolling, but actually as fucked up as he seems.

Yes, I read about all sorts of things that I find interesting and anything that I think will help my marriage, including books by Helen Fisher, books from support groups, books about bad relationships, and self-helpy red-pilly books

One can engage with philosophies while remaining critical and of ones own thoughts. Or at least I can. I'm comfortable learning about things I disagree with. However, my participation in that sub was motivated by my dislike and revulsion for a poster whom even the redpill had mostly disgust.

This sucks. While I'm one that likes marriages to work, he is a habitual cheater. And he will travel on business.

Cheaters do have a tendency to cheat again...eventually.

Get the book Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair. For him. And Not Just Friends for you.

Cheating while wife is pregnant is repugnant.

I've read a lot of parenting books and learned a lot of cool techniques and tricks for helping my kids. A parenting class, if you do the research and find someone who makes a lot of sense to you, is just a faster way of learning new tricks, and it sounds like you're looking for good ideas and fast. The class I linked you to in my other comment is one I'd love to take myself and I have worked with children for over fifteen years.

But if you are interested in the book route, look at your local library for How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Simplicity Parenting, or Love and Logic, or anything by those authors.

I can guarantee you that at least one of my grandmas would've loved a parenting class, and the other probably could've used one.

> needs me to sustain our current lifestyle.

> She can't do it by herself.

> she wont be able to take the dog with her

> She loves me. She needs me


Are you too wrapped up in caring for her? This sounds kind of co-dependent or something.

You're worried about ruining her, about crushing her, that she can't do stuff on her own, that she can't take the dog with her....

Does she spend even 1/4 of the the time being this concerned for your needs??


If you haven't read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship you might find it helpful

> for selfish reasons?

Wanting a great sex life with your spouse isn't selfish.

My FH and I are not religious; here's what we've tried and found in our 1.5 years together:

• The 5 Love Languages: It can be at times a bit Christian-centric and sometimes brings up more "traditional" gender roles, but the overall concepts were helpful for us.
  
  
• Intellectual Foreplay: We went through a TON of these questions in our first few months of dating and it really helped us to get those big questions out of the way in the guise of "getting to know each other".
  
  
• I created an extensive list of lists of questions we could ask each other. We'd make it fun by picking random numbers (without looking at the questions first) and taking turns reading the questions. So he'd choose question 4, I'd read it to him, and then he'd answer and then I'd answer. And then we switched. We did maybe 5–10 questions at a time.
  
  
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: This one seems most helpful now that we're engaged. We borrowed the audiobook via our local library and have been listening to it in the car. FH really likes it!
  
  The Gottman Institute, which is by the guy who authored that last book, offers (kind of expensive) weekend workshops around the country, and it also sells an at-home DIY "workshop" for $175 USD. If we have time and extra money, we might try the at-home kit but for now the book is working well for us!
  
  edit: There's also a program called Prepare Enrich, which is an assessment you both take and then you meet with a facilitator (secular or religious, your choice) in your area to go over your results. The program also offers a DIY version called the Couple Checkup, which they call a "lighter version of the assessment". We haven't really explored these options yet because the Prepare Enrich facilitator we reached out to isn't taking any new clients at this time and my local library had both a physical copy and audiobook copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

OP you need to understand that your decision to not invite your new daughter to your wedding WILL have consequences. It will cause (perhaps irreparable) damage to her relationship with you and her own father. It will also damage her sense of self worth, most likely for life.

Are you willing to jeopardize life-long consequences for your new daughter against having a fun, stress free party that lasts exactly one day?

I get that she is being difficult. I teach high school, but I used to teach seventh grade so I get how terrible 12 year olds can act. Especially, hurt 12 year olds. You just have to remember that you are the adult and soon to be parent in this relationship. You cannot look at this situation as "you against her". This attitude will be disastrous for both of you and will never work at improving your relationship with her.

May I suggest a book for you? How to Talk to Teens so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk is one of the books I read early on in my teaching career that helped me build relationships with troubled teens.

What a tremendous responsibility! This is certainly a challenge, and you're brave and compassionate to be willing to give this young man a start. From my experience as a teacher, a 16-year-old is very much not an adult. I don't have children that age myself (mine is much younger), but have taught many kids in that age range who have gone through similar life events. You don't mention whether he has any disabilities, or whether he's been receiving therapy, but in my experience kids that old who are in foster care can have difficulty trusting adults and demonstrate difficult behaviors. I can give you a few of pieces of advice from my experience (again, primarily as a teacher):

• Kids do dumb stuff. He will do some things - perhaps many things - that are ludicrously stupid or dangerous. He may do some of them intentionally and some unintentionally. Your job is to be calm and safe in your response to these things. (There have been days when I find myself chanting, "I am a calm and safe adult, I am a calm and safe adult," in my head.)
  
• Show interest in his interests. This doesn't mean you need to share his interests. If he loves, for example, reading fantasy novels, you don't have to read them too. But you do need to ask about them, or buy him some, or ask about when he first started reading them.
  
• At least initially, just observe and try some things. Take an almost anthropological interest. Does he have acne? Then make an acne facewash appear in the bathroom. Does he wear the same sports team shirt over and over? A couple more of those appear in his closet. Does he show an interest in drawing? Colored pencils and a sketchpad appear in the dining room. Does he like cereal? Stock favorites in the cupboard. You get the idea. Coming at a kid with questions, especially a teenaged boy kid, often doesn't yield much, but when they notice you've noticed, they often begin to open up.
  
• Ignore secondary behaviors. These are behaviors that occur in response to a consequence or boundary. For example, when a kid finds out he's grounded and screams, "I hate you," that I hate you is the secondary behavior. That's not important unless it's actively dangerous, and engaging it will just lead to a struggle. You can practice some responses to this sort of thing, like just calmly saying, "All right," or "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "Bummer." (And you can avoid the secondary behaviors somewhat by making consequences reasonable and natural - fitting the infraction, like working to pay off something that's broken or spending time picking up trash in a local park after being caught littering.)
  
• Offer choices within limits. Perhaps offer choice about what you'll be having for dinner, or when he'll be expected to be home at night. You have to be a little more clever about it with older kids than with little ones, because you don't want them to feel manipulated. But allowing him to have control in some areas will make it easier for you to control things that are truly dangerous or non-negotiable.
  
• Be very, very consistent and trustworthy. Make your home as regular and predictable as possible. Get up at the same time every day; have the same routines for daily tasks. Mean what you say. If you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, you must be there at that time; if you say you're going to pick up pizza on the way home, you must pick up pizza, etc.
  
  In terms of what to read, I'd definitely ask other people who have experience this same thing. I'm sure they'll have ideas. If he's experienced trauma, I highly recommend reading or even taking a class about the sorts of effects that can have on a developing brain. Here are two books I like for this age range. Although I know you're not technically "parenting," they should still offer some good advice for getting along with teens in general:
  
  
• How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
  
• Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
  
  Good luck! I'm sure you'll do a great job helping this young man transition from childhood to adulthood.
  
  ETA: I reread your initial post and saw that in the UK he's technically classified as an adult (!), so some of what I've said here about consequences and whatnot may apply less than it would in the US. The predictability, routine, consistency, interest, and calm are still the key things I'd focus on.

Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.

So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.

I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.

Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)

and

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)

Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.

Here are some excellent books on narcissistic parenting and its upshots (all available on amazon.com, etc):

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.

Further, the dynamics of growing up in such families are strikingly similar to what happens in cults. If one is conditioned, socialized, habituated and normalized to a particular form of abuse (before one can recognize the abuse as such) in childhood, it is often the case that one will grow up to seek intimates who are likely to repeat the same form of traumatization to which they were normalized as children. In my case, I took my unconscious -- and unprocessed -- abuse into a series of cult and other co-dependent workplace and relationship situations. If one understands what happens in cults, one often gets a very clear picture of what happened in their own families of origin with narcissistic parents.

Sounds like you all have some communication issues. I had some similar issues with my first pregnancy and a therapist recommended the book dance of anger which I really liked and found really, really helpful.

Basically, you alone are responsible for your happiness and you cannot force your husband to change, especially through talking....or nagging. Instead, change your reaction. It will give you power and help break you out of the victim mindset. What you're doing is not only not working, it's probably making things worse so the answer is to change the way you respond to his actions.

I also have a tendency to take passive aggressive comments really personally. Individual therapy helped me a ton and eventually (because my response to them changed) they stopped almost altogether. If you can afford it, I'd also recommend a few therapy sessions just for you so you can discuss strategies and sort out your feelings. Basically the therapist was like 'why do you care?' Over and over. Emphasizing that if I felt good about how things were being handled that was more than enough. The implied message to my husband was that passive comments don't change my behavior because idgaf. If he has a problem he can sit me down with me and discuss it like a reasonable adult.

>She begged me for another chance she told me how she was going to make it work. How she was going to please me.

One doesn't fix cheating by pleasing their partner. One fixes it by changing whatever crappy things are in their character that allowed them to cheat.

>She basicly pointed out all the flaws in our marriage and said she was going to fix it.

One doesn't fix the crappy things in their character that allowed one to cheat by blaming their cheating on the betrayed person.

I'd suspect you've hit the tip of the iceberg and the beginnings of trickle truth. It starts out with swearing nothing physical. Then, you catch some lie or see something and it's "it was just a kiss". Then, you find something else and it's "we just had sex the one time, I swear!" Then... Well, you get it.

Regret != remorse. Since you're away, you could suggest (don't demand it - see if she'll take the initiative because she really does want to fix things) she read Not Just Friends on her own right now. If you suggest it, but come back and she hasn't taken the initiative, you may have your answer right there.

Edit: Given the sweatshirt and thread another poster found, I'd still start towards divorce. This does not preclude reconcilition and may actually help start towards a better, new marriage with her or someone else.

Might not be a bad idea for both you and your wife to read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass.

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

There are boundaries in friendship. Cross those boundaries, and bad things can happen. For example, say your wife and her friend spend the a couple of hours talking about the best ways to save and invest for retirement. Cool. Now say they spend a couple hours talking about how each of their respective spouses is lacking in some way. That's not cool. One conversation can be shared freely with you. The other one you are never going to hear about.

It does not take a genius to see which of these two examples can lead down a troublesome road.

Sorry to be the jerk here, but I really think you are allowing things to be happening that you just shouldn't allow.

They expect you to make dinner? What happens if you don't? If they're having solo fun time, why don't you and baby go do something fun and then you can all order pizza later. Who cares if they're annoyed - did it make you happy? Do it.

If you think getting back to work will make you happy, do it. Being a family - a team- doesn't mean one person gets to do all the fun stuff and the other gets to clean the floors and make dinner. Yes, your husband might be annoyed or against it, but so what? Is his annoyance really so much worse than your perpetual unhappiness?

He's treating you like a child because you allow him to treat you like a child. Don't. You are going to build bitterness and contempt into your relationship if you keep letting this happen to you. Take responsibility for your own happiness or misery. Talking to him hasn't made him see the light, so take the next step. Go do the things you want to do. If he wants to go, great. If not - see ya!

I highly recommend this book as a way to break the old patterns and start taking responsibility for your own happiness. A therapist recommended it to me, and it was hugely helpful in managing my expectations, relationship. It's your job to take care of you (and your baby)

Also, just an extra kick in the pants to stop this madness. Do you really want your child to see a mother who is miserable and bossed around by her husband? What your husband is doing makes you a doormat, is that really the example you'd like to be setting for the kid?

edited to add: There are a lot of mommy martyrs on here and as a former one it really burns me. It's such a tempting trap - 'I have to stay home, I have to do the laundry, I have to do it all' It turns out you don't and life gets much better when you realize that. I am in no way advocating ending your relationship, just changing the nature of your behavior/reactions. You will never change his behavior, so stop trying. He's the man you've got, so build a life for yourself that you are happy with and don't worry about it. He will adjust.

> support each other

That's the problem right there for me. If we have a fight and need a bit of time apart, the last thing I want to be thinking is that she is off talking to this guy for "support", and maybe he's single and lonely right now. F that.

> If you don't have the discipline and willpower to avoid making it more than I think that's on you.

As I've said elsewhere, I think this line of thinking comes from a naive place. If you're open-minded about it, this is an excellent book that explains how bad situations can develop even when all parties have the best of intentions: https://www.amazon.ca/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

We don't just see someone and decide to fall in love with them. You are far less in control of your romantic feelings than you might think.

"How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids"

I recommend this book with one caveat - both the husband and wife are not that sympathetic. However, read it and learn from their mistakes. It's a good diagram of the ways couples fall into bad gender roles once a kid is born.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

Four year olds lie. It’s just part of the developmental stage. It doesn’t mean you have to punish it out of them.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen has some good strategies for keeping communication open and how to deal with lying.

Do what you think is right. Ultimately it doesnt matter what anyone else says because you will make the choice. You have support here though.

A book that might help you through this time is after the affair. I've included a link below. This is particular to married couples but it really doesn't matter. You have invested yourself.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0062122703?pc_redir=1405853910&robot_redir=1


Good luck and stay smart.

I see this more of a failure of Secret Santa rules than anything imho. It should not matter the ship date as long as it is there by Dec. 25th. Secondly, it's unfortunate that you think you found someone who seems to be annoying. My whole family is that way, and if I look in the mirror the same would probably go for me in many people's mind. Nonetheless, he is still a human, and still deserving of some Christmas love. Even though it might be challenging for you, see it as an opportunity to warm his cold heart. But given the opportunity I might would send along with the gift a copy of this book as a subtle hint.

Twin parent here too, with kids around the same age. This book was incredibly helpful for us in reframing how we communicate. They’ll clean up their toys now, brush their teeth, get dressed, etc. without it being a hassle. I hope it helps you too.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_ErgZCbF1850NS

Ok, I'm back. I'm going to base my advice on how it went down for me. Your marriage is royally fucked and it is going to take some SERIOUS hard work to get it back together. When I say serious hard work, I'm talking like you're going to feel like you would rather divorce than go through what you're going to have to go through to fix your marriage. It is going to be very, very painful and you'll likely both be miserable and ready to throw in the towel many, many times. I'm going to be blunt cause I'm tired and want to get this out to you quickly: you two need to get your asses into counseling immediately. IMMEDIATELY. If you can afford it, get a counselor for the two of you together, get your own individual counselor, and have her get her own individual counselor. You'll need all three because one will help you with your marriage, and the others will help each of you deal with all your own personal fucked up shit that got you here in the first place. You'll need that confidential counselor to talk and vent to, apart from the one you and your wife have.

Watch this TED talk about infidelity.

Read this book about infidelity.

If you haven't already, you need to stop all contact with the women you were sexting. Answer all of your wife's questions honestly. 100% honestly. Don't go into the unnecessary graphic sexual details if she isn't specifically asking about those, but be honest. She's going to be so pissed at you that it might be miserable to be around each other. Give her space if she needs it. Try to be gentle with each other. If you have kids, DO NOT lose your shit with each other in front of the kids. Keep things civil for the kids so you don't scar them. Don't make any major decisions about jobs/housing/finances/etc. until you both have a bit more clear thinking....which will be awhile from now. Basically, sit tight and try not to do anything stupid until you can get into your first counseling appointment. Make your appointment right away.

If you can post more details about your situation then I can help you more. How many years married? Kids? How is your wife taking this? Do you want to stay married? Do you think you can control yourself to not do this again? Do you have a history of acting out sexually? Do you love your wife? What do you want for your future together, if you even envision one? Are you willing to be 100% honest about your role in this? How's your sex life? If you could write a story about how your marriage will end up after this, what would that story look like?

That's all I have for now. You can read back through my post history if you want a better idea of where I'm coming from. Hopefully some of my advice can be helpful for you. If you respond, I'll get back to you later today. Good luck, and don't do anything stupid.

ps...i say the stupid thing because I did countless stupid things, not because I'm trying to be a jerk.

He didn't turn out okay. He thinks it's acceptable to hit children. That's not okay.

The global consensus is that spanking at best has neutral outcomes. That is, it's no different than not spanking. And that's the best case scenario. There are plenty of outcomes that are far far worse. So it doesn't logically make sense to spank.

At the very least, it's just creating more work. Spanking is a quick fix to an immediate problem. It doesn't address the underlying cause, so you have to keep spanking.

There's a lot of literature out there about this kind of thing. If you're interested in reading about effective parenting techniques without hitting children, two excellent resources are Janet Lansbury and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen.

It's good you're having these discussions now. And honestly, for me, spanking is a deal-breaker. I would not have had children with someone who wanted to hit them.

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.
   
   
2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.
   
   
3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?
   
   
4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
   https://www.headspace.com/
   
   
5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
   http://stronglifts.com/
   
   
6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
   http://altshiftdiet.com/
   
   
7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
   
   
8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
   https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
   
   
9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
   https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
   
   
10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
    
    
11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
    
    
12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.
    
    
13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.
    
    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
    
    Best of luck!
    

That's amazing!

Therapy is always a good idea but it's not possible for everyone. I can vouch that these books/workbooks contain accurate, helpful info. & tips. DM me for help finding digital copies.

Toxic Parents

• Low self-esteem nearly always begins in childhood. This is an extremely helpful book.
  
  Self Esteem (3rd Edition)
  
  
• Thorough and practical!
  
  The CBT Workbook for Depression (2nd Ed)
  
  
• The specific activities in chapters 16-18 are esp. great. Really helpful things you can actually do, rather than vague advice.
  
  The Mindful Way Workbook for Depression
  
  
• There are MANY books about mindfulness. Not all are good. This is easy to read, and jumps right into teaching skills.
  
  
  Other good books:
  
  The Dance of Anger
  
  
• If you struggle with self-esteem, often you silence your anger rather than expressing it. This book is "for women" but in reality the info. can help anyone, esp. the concept of family "triangles".
  
  Kid Confidence
  
  
• For parents. 2019 book gives the very latest info. on raising resilient kids.

I'm reading a book that address this very issue and I want to give it to all first time parents! I haven't finished it yet, but the advice so far has been spot on. I wish someone would have warned me how much having a baby would cause me to resent my otherwise wonderful husband's lack of initiative around the house.

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316267104/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_OYVwzbT03S88C

Wow, in what world is that acceptable?? You’re his partner, not his mom and he is (presumably) a grown-ass adult!

I’ve heard a lot of horror stories from new moms who thought their SOs would step up once baby arrived. They didn’t. If he knows you will just do everything for him he has no reason at all to change - this is a great deal for him!

If I were you I’d start working on evenly splitting responsibilities immediately, way before baby comes and there is even more work and shorter fuses due to less sleep. Maybe make a list of everything and split it up according to both of your preferences? He needs to understand that this is his work, it’s not your work that he occasionally “helps you with” when you nag him.

You may find this book helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

You could try How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. There are separate versions for “Little Kids” and “Teens” as well. I’m not sure how old your kids are, but I also liked [1-2-3 Magic](1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_88L2AbPWR1BCY) for my son it really helped. Good luck!

Required reading: Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D?
Seriously. It will help you feel better and if he sees you making an effort he will be more likely to do so as well.

Take some time to understand why he thinks and feels the way he does. One of the hardest thing for partners is understanding the disconnect between intention and action--after understanding that it should be easier to figure out when he's just being an ass.

Also, let him take a break from the discussion. We're bored easily and we're impulsive enough that we may say something incredibly nasty when we're just trying to get out of the conversation (remember--future consequences don't connect for the ADHD brain, so escaping the conversation by any means necessary is an unsurprising reaction).

You wouldn't believe how easy it is to talk after taking a few to let tempers cool. I've done some nasty shit and after ten minutes of being by myself I realized what had just happened. We're better at taking breaks now to keep arguments constructive.

In short, no, there is absolutely no shame in wanting medication.

ADHD must be managed with medication. ADHD affects all areas of life: school/work, romantic and social relationships, sleep, mood, cognitive ability...etc. It is a chronic impairment - similar to diabetes, for example, in regards to being chronic (life long).

ADHD is not a gift (as some people like to make it out to be). It is a real and serious disorder. Adults with ADHD need to educate themselves about the disorder on what works and doesn't work - diet and exercise does not fix or cure ADHD.

What does work? MEDICATION. Why? Because this is a neurobiological disorder.

ADHD is the most treatable/manageable disorder in psychiatry. So there is no shame in asking for the proper treatment.

That being said - it will still be important for you to develop certain behaviors to help the medications help you, and for you to help yourself. You have to be disciplined. You have to find ways to motivate yourself. Some of the best ways to do that are with calendars, notes, to-do lists, keeping a planner, using apps on your phone and so forth.

And lastly, it is very common for people with ADHD to have comorbid diseases. The most common being anxiety and dysthymia (chronic mild depression). So if these (or other) comorbidities exist, treating them as well is imperative to your overall success.

EDIT: A book for you and your wife to read together, titled Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?

Red? Consequences?

Sorry, but I go with the belief that kids are a direct reflection of what we do and do not teach them. If they are failing in your eyes, you might want to consider a different approach to how you parent them.

Down vote away, I'm used to it. But at least consider what I'm saying.

Getting people to do things, at any age, in all the right ways, is all a function of communication. At the core: trust and respect. If you don't have trust and respect in any relationship, then you don't have a relationship, and you can expect some level of failure.

As a parent and an adult, you take a lead role in the relationship. You really can't or shouldn't blame your kid for anything. They are a direct by-product of you and your methods for working with them. They mirror you, and they look to you for total guidance.

I even take this as far as never disciplining a child. Structure and rules to some degree, but never discipline. And really REALLY strong coaching and proper reinforcement.

At least consider it.

EDIT: One of the best books that I think every parent should read, and for that matter, everybody should read (no kids or not) is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Agree 100%, he also has a book Protecting the Gift for parents and teens that I recommend as much as the first if you have kids or younger family.

"Stranger danger" is really not a good lesson to teach.

Every parent should read the book "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin deBecker: http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

It's worth every penny but you can probably find it free at your local library.

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.
  
  
• Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.
  
  
  Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!

You could try reading the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay"

It's like this book got pregnant in 1993 and gave birth to a shitlord that is now old enough to type on the internet!

I have two books to recommend which might help, although our daughter is only 6 and had many of the explosive/destructive bursts that you describe (they are greatly improved now).


Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child, Revised and Expanded 2nd Edition: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

Reading and implementing the techniques in this book recently stopped almost all of the behaviors that we were going crazy over. Our daughter was getting more and more abusive with name-calling, hitting, breaking things, etc and after reading this book and implementing the techniques, it is 95% gone. When it still happens, we now feel like we have tools to deal with it calmly but firmly.

The Explosive Child

This book focuses on preventing explosions and managing explosions proactively/in the moment. It focuses as well on the type of child that acts out in this way, and how to deal with it. A co-worker recommended this book to me after dealing with his son's explosive outbursts. His son's therapist recommended it to him.

Our daughter also showed little remorse for things like pushing her brother down the stairs, hitting him in the face, breaking doors, etc. One of the biggest realizations to me was that my wife and I were being permissive in our parenting approach, and the lack of firm consequences was causing our daughter to act out more. The Setting Limits book describes the three parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive, mixed) quite articulately.

This is a great time to stop, breathe, and remember the WHY you're planning this. Pick up a Dr. Gottman book and take some time to yourself. No wedding planning, no SO, just you.

Here's the link

Talk to him as well. Tell him that you're feeling pressure to plan the wedding on your own. Maybe give him specific tasks. Tell each other how excited you are to be married, and why you love each other. Good luck!

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

It's amazing how much behavior overlap there is between end-users and children.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...And Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber

Infants through Teenagers

Strategies for communicating with your kids for guidance, encouragement, and discipline. I particularly liked all the concrete examples and practical recommendations. The communication skills are useful for any relationship, not just parenting.

He had an affair. You need to go for marital counseling/therapy,. It will help, rather than brushing it under the carpet.

He needs to go No Contact. That's unconditional and should be forthcoming from him. He should be begging for a chance, doing whatever it takes. NC is the bare minimum. That he hasn't even done this is ridiculous.

She is not just a friend. You both should read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

He needs to be able to draw boundaries, he is acting like an idiot wimp as if he owes her something and she has a say despite them both crossing a line, he's too afraid of putting his foot down. It's like entertaining her is more important than your marriage.

Either that or he's lying to you about the nature of their relationship. Why is he entertaining someone who's still continuing to look for attention, shouldn't he not be tolerating such behavior from anyone from the get go?

If she's desperately in need of a friend, there are many fish in the sea, for friends too. She can start off fresh, try someone new where she can behave as an actual friend rather than a person who doesn't respect boundaries and screws up someones marriage.

And that she was in a EA isn't she married, has her husband been told? If not it's a good idea to let him know, you would want that if the situation was reversed right, it's the right thing to do.

/As long as she doesn't get what she wants she will disappear/ don't buy into this bs, it's either he's a wimp who can't put his foot down for his own marriage or he's lying to you, minimising and they're still continuing at some level. This is about your marriage. It's needs to be active from his side about cutting off, not passive with the ball in her court.

Have you tried reading books on how to effectively communicate?

This may entail conflict resolution strategies, proper body language and eye contact, and conversation strategies.

I know it sounds quite mechanic, but it's better than nothing.

I've even heard this book provides unintentional tips when dealing with adults (it is intended for parents to deal better with children!)

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=pd_ybh_a_18?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=MNQDXANPR0FJM3G6MV17

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

After reading it I realized that elements of the book are actually applicable to marital relationships and talking to human beings generally. I revisit it periodically for a mental tune up.

When I have a mutually stressful interaction with my kiddo I usually realize with 20/20 hindsight that it could have gone differently if I’d navigated it in the manner described in the book. Just yesterday morning I (sadly) yelled at her because she was taking an impossibly long time to put her shoes on and we were about to be late for school. Afterwards I realized that she was probably having emotions about the fact that she recently switched schools. This morning she presented the same behavior and I talked to her and acknowledged her feelings. Then she opened up to me and told me how she misses our old morning routine and misses her friends from her old school and didn’t want to get dressed because she didn’t want to leave the house and could we just stay home and hug each other this morning. It was a moment of real closeness and understanding. Then I started trying to get her to tell me things she liked about the new school and reasons she could be happy there and she clammed up. I realized I was trying to change her feelings, a bad idea as described in the book. So I just told her it was hard and held her. She then willingly got dressed. By the time we reached her new school she had on her own come up with some things to look forward to.

There’s also a book specific to little kids co-authored by one of the daughters of the authors of the original.

I have to say I’ve been startled by the degree to which my three year old can participate in problem solving for issues related to herself, I don’t think it would have occurred to start the process with her as a young toddler if I hadn’t read the book.

Ooh, I have three recommendations. I am RBB also. I didn't have a clue starting out, and I was scared to death. My two kids are now mostly grown, 17 and 21.

When your baby is 2:
1-2-3 Magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/0963386190

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X (This is new to me, but written by the daughter of the author of the original, below, got great reviews and is based on the same respect principles of the first one)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (school-age Kids)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

You know what surprised me about parenting? How much your kids WANT to please you. They can be plenty feisty (uncooperative) sometimes, but usually I found that was for a predictabel reason. With little ones, it was because they were hangry or tired. I had to learn from another mother that my kids was throwing herself on the ground because she needed to eat at regular intervals (it was mealtime, and the other mother recognized the signs).

My kids really wanted to please me and my husband. The most important thing, I found, was to make it easy for them to please us (picking our battles, having reasonable boundaries--which kids need and push for, and treating them with respect). If we weren't assholes, they were mostly cooperative. Funny how that works.

I wish I had worried less. My kids love me and I love them. It was tiring, but not HARD to build a happy family together, and I learned far more from them about how to love than they ever learned from me, because it comes NATURALLY to human families (except where love is tortured out of you by BPD or other dysfunction). I'm pretty bummed because my younger has terrible anxiety and depression recently, she says due to academic stress. Sometimes I think I was a bad parent and my husband and I passed down our shitty legacy from our own parents: We both have PD parents. My younger says not, but I dunno. She struggled because I was down for the count for several years while she was in middle school and being bullied. More about that below. My elder calls me every day from college and loves her father and my company. They both love us. Weird, right?

About my younger and why I was unable to be a good parent a few years back: I stayed in contact with my abusive mother and she was totally incorporated into my family because she lives only a few minutes away and has no one else. Of course. My health suffered. I developed chronic pain that all but destroyed my life. Since I found out about being RBB, and admitted to myself and others that I was abused and actually hate my mother, my pain all but disappeared!!! This just happened. I am furious. My uBPD mother is the gift that just keeps on giving. If my being out of commission laid the foundation for my beautiful daughter's current depression, I want to kill my mother. What I am trying to say is that the most important thing for you to raise your baby so she/he is emotionally healthy is for YOU to acknowledge and heal from your own abuse, and protect yourself from your BPD parent NOW. In my experience, you can only do that by distancing yourself from your BPD parent. I thought everything was fine because I had set very strong boundaries, never allowed my kids to be alone with her when they were young (after I saw troubling manipulative behavior with my younger, age 2), and basically had almost not a cross word with my mother in 20 years. The thing is, she turned into a waif, and I didn't know I was still being abused by BPD, just differently.

I don't mean to preach. I'm just positive that BPD is very, very damaging to us and--through us--to our little ones, even if we don't think so.

Good luck. Babies are adorable. And hard. But adorable.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had to let my first toddler teach me how to accept hugs. The baby stage was fine: lots of cuddling happened, but when she was a toddler I became aware that when she ran at me for a hug I often froze. I remember the same reaction from when I was a teenager and all the other girls were touchy-feely and I would just want to crawl away so no-one would touch me, and then be ashamed that I couldn't be affectionate like all the other squealing girls. Thanks, Mom. With my little one, I resolved to remember to breathe, drop to her level and MAKE myself stay still fr a hug. I also made up a rule for myself that I would never let go first: We were done when she decided we were done. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I soon learned to LOVE her hugs. And, of course, to set reasonable boundaries, because it isn't always hugging time, right? She learned to wait sometimes, and I learned to accept hugs.

RBB, man. It sucks.

By reading this fantastic book: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

A lot of the child psychology coming out these days is all about listening and helping kids put words to their emotions. Instead of trying to correct behavior, point out the emotion they are having and allow them time to figure out a solution. "Oh, it looks like you're tired." "You seem frustrated with this homework." Give him data and help him build his emotional intelligence to be able to solve the puzzle on his own.

I highly recommend this book:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/

Kids are tiny humans who have a lot of stuff going on inside their minds and bodies. And we often forget that they have this whole other universe going on inside their heads, just like we do, but nobody has taught them what to do about it.

>he screams at me and sometimes gets physically aggressive

That’s a red flag that I’m pretty sure everyone else is going to mention to you. It’s concerning and you need to think long and hard about that means, whether it’s fixable and whether he’s worth it to trust that he can.

I’ve recommend the book Dance of Anger, The: A Woman's Guide To Changing The Patterns Of Intimate Relationships so many times, but it was really life changing for me and my family.

Basically, your happiness is your responsibility. When you take action to do what needs to be done for you to be happy — not asking husband to do it, actually doing it — then he may begin to change his patterns, or not, and you can decide what you want your life to look like.

An easy way to start would be to start living like you are divorced without ever saying anything to him. So, his priorities do not matter. What do you need to do to get your house in order and make yourself happy if you don’t worry about your husband at all?

In my house several things happened. Husband makes good money so we can afford some help even though he complained about it. I gave him a choice - either you provide the help or I’ll hire it out. He wasn’t pissed, but (with therapists support) I decided not to care. I hired someone to do the deep cleaning and the laundry. When/if he decides to help more then we’ll stop paying for that.

Also, he likes the kitchen to be clean. As long as it’s not filthy it doesn’t really bother me. So, I wash off the dishes and put away food but I don’t have an immaculate kitchen most of the time. If it bothers him he can clean it up.

It sounds like you may have to enlist the moms to help with this and tell them that you’re trying to get him to pull his weight so please don’t pick up his slack.

Dad here. I suggest you do it. Let go of your concerns for his disregard of the schedule, let go of the reigns, and also let go of your worries, and anger towards him, and forget about the baby for a short time. Have a baby vacation. Go away on a weekend trip with your friends or something. If your baby takes a bottle, of course; maybe you'll have to wait a little if the baby is super young.

Your husband will learn that your days home with the baby aren't free time, and he will also hopefully learn that you trust him. He will learn to care for the baby if he absolutely has to one day. And you will hopefully learn to trust him, and that the baby will survive a day without you. Your marriage will hopefully be stronger for it.

I'm lucky enough (judging by the comments here about the cost of daycare) to live in a country where new parents get a year of paid leave. My wife took the first 8 months, and she was crazy by the end of it. I don't think I ever thought she had it extremely easy, but the four months I stayed home with the baby after that were eye-opening. It was so much work. And I became a proper co-parent. Of course four months is a long time that's not feasible for most people, and I had the time to make my own schedule, but a weekend or so will likely open his eyes too.

I also recommend this book (or similar ones, there are probably others like it): https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

Crossposting

> I was raped

If you want answers from actual rape survivors, you may want to crosspost to /r/RapeCounseling. You might get better-quality answers there.

Starting to trust again

> I ... don't trust anyone.

Back then, you were too young to be able to fight off the abuse. I highly recommend that you (and all Redditors everywhere) read one or more of Gavin de Becker's works. In The Gift of Fear, he writes: "People who can't let go choose people who can't say no."

The thesis of the book is: Your intuition knows more than you about how to keep yourself safe.

The goal of the rest of the book is to teach your intuition some new things.

Your local library probably owns the book. Or you can read an excerpt. The excerpt talks about a rapist, and (indirectly) about trust.

As for you: Since you were abused, read de Becker's book Protecting the Gift first. There's a lot of overlap between the two books, but Protecting the Gift probably talks more about child sexual abuse. It's easy to read, and has 4.7 stars on Amazon.com. Your local library system probably owns the book.

Once you read the book, you might be able to successfully invest more trust in those who are deserving of your trust.

Maybe he abuses her too

> He manipulated me by saying things like ... "if someone finds out I'll kill you"

Just like it may have taken decades for your abuser to learn how to manipulate and control his victims, it may take decades for him to change and overcome his abusiveness. (Source: "Is Change Possible In An Abuser?", an article by Kathryn Robinson.)

And remember: "People who can't let go choose people who can't say no." I suspect he might have chosen a vulnerable new wife, and that he may manipulate and control her — financially, emotionally, and/or sexually. And that he might scare her into not phoning the cops. All behind closed doors.

Signs of potential domestic abuse can include:

• controlling behavior,
  
• an ultra-short engagement period,
  
• isolating the victim from society,
  
• verbal degradation,
  
• sudden anger,
  
• pushing,
  
• shoving,
  
• and bruises and cuts on the victim.
  
  Past abuse is usually a good predictor of future abuse.
  
  It can take a while for an abuser to start to abuse a new partner, but once it starts, it only ever tends to escalate. [Edit: Except during the temporary calm stages.]
  
  (Based on this source.)
  
  A) So far, have you seen any hints that he might have ever abused his wife or anyone other than you?
  
  

  Another question
  

  
  > I hate him. I've never hated anyone more than him and myself.
  
  B) There's a Step which might help you process your anger. Would you like to know more?
  
  

  Bonus link
  

  
  Here's a bonus link, in case you're interested:
  
  "This Is What Domestic Violence Is Like When You're LGBT".

Apologizes if you've already read it, but "The Explosive Child" by Rosse Green and the whole Collaborative Problem Solving approach was a game changer for me when I worked with behavioural kids.

https://www.amazon.ca/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451

So this is basically the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus model of understanding human communication. It has been quite some time since I've read that book, but I don't recall it basing its findings very empirically. And the book is not without its detractors. Most of whom ground their insights with a lot more evidence.

Myself, I found the book somewhat insightful, but as with much pop-psychology, I wouldn't read overmuch into it fundamentally. While I can recognize the strategies for communication and dealing with stress he talks about in the book in myself and others, I can also see just as many counter examples in life (including prominently my parents and brother).

So it's a big and much disputed point as to the reality of the assertions. Which makes the why kind of a mute question.

But to answer it anyways, I'd say if it is reality, its most likely just a product of modern western culture. In other cultures men and women may have different strategies for communicating/deal with stress, and it may have been different in the not to distant past.

Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

It's really, really tough when a relationship is great... in most ways... but not everything you need.

Here's a highly recommended resource for figuring out whether to stay in or leave a relationship: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34/

For a review, see https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/

Hope this helps...

The ADHD Effect on Marriage is usually highly recommended.

I also recommend Married to Distraction.

Good luck on your marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and he wasn't diagnosed until 7-8 months ago. This is definitely not one of those things where your marriage will make it because you love each other so much. You have to work, and I mean seriously work your ass off for it. At least, that's been my experience. Don't be afraid to go to counseling, either. And when it comes to your fiance getting organized and trying to get things together, it has to be his own system. You can't create a system of organization for him. It has to come from his own head. I tried several different ways to help my husband get organized, and not a single one of them worked.

And one important aspect is that he needs to realize how important it is to you for him to try to get organized and stay on track. This is probably an unpopular opinion here, but ADHD is no excuse for not putting effort into working on things and/or not getting things done. You can't always be the one who picks up the slack and does too much. It will drive you crazy, and I can attest to that. Be very careful of the parent/child dynamic, because that is incredibly destructive to a relationship. If you notice this happening, it's best to get some counseling and nip it in the bud.

Sorry if this sounds so depressing, but it's something I wish I had known before getting married. ADHD can be a serious impediment to a marriage, and it's definitely not something to take lightly. You're already doing great by wanting to do your research and prepare yourself for what's to come!

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)


http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023157&sr=1-1&keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023193&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=coependent+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023212&sr=1-1&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker


http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023231&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk


http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023293&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+with+kids

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.


edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

> The Gift Of Fear

Looks like he has another book, which is about kids:
http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

fyi, you can hyperlink on reddit like this:
[has another book](http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009)

So it will look like this:
has another book

Here's what I recommend:

1. Don't give him any more money.
   
2. Move out immediately. If you don't have the money to afford a new place, and you live in the US, call 211 and ask for assistance. They will be able to connect you to organizations in your community that can provide temporary housing.
   
3. Cut off all contact with him--no phone, no email, nothing. Change your number, make your FB private, etc. If necessary, move to a different city.
   
4. Continue working at the parlor until you've saved up enough money to rent your own place, buy a car, and have enough in savings to look for another job.
   
5. Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.
   

I would start with this book:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_5yrQBbDGX7TAG

I have better idea for a book you should give him.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_e0EVCbMZ5PNNE

Check out this book:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0452275350?ie=UTF8&at=&force-full-site=1&ref_=aw_bottom_links

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_nyBJBbFJSPCPJ

GET. THIS. BOOK.

Seriously. It's used in marriage counseling and has an amazing success rate.

I wish someone had given this to me when I first got married. It's good for EVERY serious, romantic relationship. This book would have saved me literally years of heartache and struggle to keep my marriage afloat.

I've been in therapy for... hm... about 11 years now.

Somewhere along the way, my therapist started using the word "narcissistic" to describe my mom.

But, I blew it off. I mean, she couldn't officially diagnose, my mom wasn't there... etc.

Then about three years ago, she said, "I don't normally do this, but I think it might be really helpful for you... there's this book I want to lend you." The book was Trapped in the Mirror. It changed my LIFE.

There are probably better books out there... but seeing it all broken down like that, reading other people's stories, I was finally, for the first time, able to really see what my mom was doing, and respond to it in realtime.

Thanks for posting this site; really looks interesting.

Not my favorite marriage book, but [this one] (http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451943477&sr=1-1&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay) might be of use to you. It's pretty good.

Yah, I figured it was something like that. I DESPISE anti-woment Red Pill bullshit advice like this that keeps getting pushed.

If you want to have better relationships and don't want to blame shit on women then read this book. http://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X

It changed my life in numerous ways. I actually know how to listen to other people, how to apologize, and how to defuse situations. I can honestly say that just about every relationship I had improved after reading this book. I can't recommend it highly enough.

I would physically hold her still, by the shoulders or holding her arms to her sides and not let her go until she had heard the entire request and repeated it back. Ideally, you would only need to do this for the first couple of weeks and then you can ease up.

It sounds like perhaps 1-2-3 Magic might work for her. Implement the counting and a clear consequence. "Every one else at the table is finished. The table will be cleared in 5 minutes and dinner will be over. Whatever is left on your plate will be put up and you can eat it at [next mealtime]. I suggest you swallow that bite and eat some more before we are finished for this meal." Set a timer. Follow through. Or, "You have until the count of 3 to buckle your seat belt or daddy is going to do it for you. If he has to you will be sitting out the birthday party/staying on the bench with me at the park/riding in the cart instead of walking at the store like a big girl." Ideally she will figure it out eventually, especially if you can figure out what motivates her. There has to be something. Have frequent conversations with her, "You know, if you just did X when we asked you would get to Y instead of having to endure punishment Z." Both when she is in the midst of a consequence and when she is being well behaved. Get her to start thinking critically about her behavior.

Is she seeing someone related to the ADHD diagnosis? A therapist or counselor might be able to help her connect the dots between what is acceptable behavior and what is not and how her behavior affects others.

This is a better book

(Leadership and Self Deception)

It covers everything on this list but the problem with "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is that there's so many steps and lists to remember that it's easy to forget and fall back into old habits.

Leadership and Self Deception, instead, changes your fundamental mindset and outlook towards other people in such a simple but powerful way that you don't have to remember lists and steps, but the proper behavior and proper treatment of others flows naturally once your mindset changes.

I found this book helpful in my decision making process. The therapist has a series of questions and if you answer yes to any one of them, then he says in what he's observed that the people who stayed continued to be miserable and the people who left were happier.

Where I am in my journey is that a spouse isn't a series of checklists. I was guilty of that in my 20's. Here's a list of good things about him, everyone seems to like him...I ignored things that I needed from a spouse which other people don't necessarily need.

> I've tried talking about it for years. The conversations always end with him shutting down and saying he's sorry, or he's just tired, etc etc. I finally stopped bringing it up because I don't want to make him feel bad.

As for having discussions about your needs and him shutting down the conversation is not something a "good guy" would do.

Some people can't be the ones to end a relationship that isn't working. So they push their girlfriend/spouse away so that the partner can end the relationship for them and be the "bad guy." He won't touch you, he's going to work more and see you less, and he can't communicate openly and honestly with you.

Things weren't working in our relationship and we started counseling. For me, the separation came because of my husband's unkindness during therapy. Not because of the original issues that were making me unhappy, but how he reacted. When he heard my perspective, instead of being able to acknowledge why I might have seen things that way and what he could do better, he'd counter by giving a diametrically opposed perspective and then offer...nothing. Things got increasingly bad (he called me names, blamed me for him calling me names) and I separated from him. So not exactly your situation.

Our situation was similar in the way it was always my responsibility to initiate sex. We didn't argue much. He was a ball of negativity.

Maybe try couples therapy? And individual therapy. It didn't "save" my marriage, but it opened my eyes to the ways I had neglected my needs. I didn't even know I had needs! And it isn't selfish to get them met! I advocated for my needs and came to realize that the pain of trying to get him to meet them was never going to be worth it.

If you're taking time apart, maybe consider an individual counselor during that time.

I would step back from your relationship and look at the components besides love. Sometimes I think we watch too many romantic comedies so we believe that "love will conquer all". It doesn't. It's 100% necessary, but you also need trust, honesty, respect, and understanding/forgiveness. Think of it like a table. If you have all 4 legs, the table can sustain significant burden. If you only have 3 it can stand up on its own, but it's unstable and will collapse under any sort of weight. If you have fewer than 2, then it's not a functioning table at all.

Marriage is hard. Really fucking hard. On top of that, your marriage will periodically have to stand up to hardship (family deaths, job loss, children, depression/illness, etc.) over time. But, if you have all 4 of the above, you can not only survive those things, but thrive in them.

Also, if you haven't read the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus", I recommend that you both do so and discuss your impressions from it. Personally, I think that the author over-generalizes a little, but it's a great book to help you find insight into why you feel/act the way you do and why he feels/acts the way he does. It was MASSIVELY applicable to my marriage and immediately helped me communicate with more compassion and understanding because I began to understand what my wife was hearing when I said certain things.

Okay.

You need to make some boundaries with your husband. He needs to see this is some serious business. You will leave, and you will not be coming back EVEN AFTER THE BABY IS BORN unless Ava is in therapy. And unless he makes limits for her and sticks by them.

Secondly, you. "That I cannot look past. Sorry if that makes me immature and selfish but I don't want to surround myself with that kind of negativity EVEN if it comes from a seven year old." You're kidding me, right? This child is emotionally damaged. I have had a five year old tell me he is going to bring his dad's gun to preschool and shoot everyone. That he is going to kill me with a knife. I have had kids bite and kick me. Kids will do a lot of sociopathic stuff when they get out of control. If you're really going to have this attitude of "I'm not going to surround myself with negativity" when this child obviously needs your husband and your help, then you really need to just leave. Or own up to the fact that you will be pushing her into the foster care system (if the dad chooses you) or destroying your relationship with your husband (if he chooses Ava).

Honestly, Ava's violence towards you is going to track onto your child once it is born. You have some serious work to do here. Even when you're living with your sister, you need to be over there every second night. Setting limits. Setting boundaries. Creating relationships. You and your husband both need to be reading books about defiant/explosive children.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Defiant-Child-Oppositional-Disorder/dp/0878339639

http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=pd_sim_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=14N4KEF3AM2E8EBCR1H7

Here is a strategy for Ava hitting your belly:

When she does it, immediately she is sent to a time out for 5 minutes. All he says is "I won't let you hit. Come to time out." It is a stool or a mat on the ground. The timer doesn't start until she is there, and it restarts every time she escapes/runs away. Every time she runs away, your husband must take her back there and restart the timer without speaking. Ever seen Supernanny? Yeah.

Also she loses a privilege - video game ban, TV ban, for 3 days.

Also, your husband needs to talk to her about violence. "When we hit people, it hurts them. When you hit [name]'s belly, it can hurt the baby."

Good luck. I sincerely wish you the best. But your attitude towards Ava is just not the one you need to help her. I understand you must feel resentful that this is happening to you, during your pregnancy. But it will also be happening to you when you have your newborn, your toddler. It must feel so unfair. But when you chose your husband, you also chose his daughter. Similar to how I cannot disown my foster siblings or ask my mother to put them back into the system when they are infuriating and hurtful, you cannot just ignore this situation and wish she would leave. How many years until Ava gets help?

Your feelings of resentment are normal and I even understand them. But kids who are emotionally troubled are going to act out even though you cook, clean and ferry them around. Regular kids are hardly ever grateful for that kind of stuff, let alone kids who are hurting badly inside. Ava can't see the nice things you do for her - not in the moment when she is in so much emotional pain that she hits you.

You need to be in therapy, right away, to work through your feelings of resentment, fear and envy, so you can be in a good place to help Ava AND your new child. How functional a parent will you be if you have all these emotions battling inside you? How safe and happy will your new child's life be if Ava doesn't get the support she needs. Because trust me, she will not "cool off" once the baby comes. It will get WORSE.

I really hope you listen and begin therapy right away, and keep going over there during your separation and implementing these things.

I can't help much because I'm also in a place where I don't know where to go from here with my adhd partner. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. There are lots of symptoms that don't bother me, but the "defensive and explosive anger at even the slightest perceived conflict" and "walking on eggshells" part is really getting to me, too. I'm personally in a place (without children) where I'm considering an ultimatum regarding him going to counseling because it really is exhausting dealing with regular emotional outbursts and I just don't think I have the tools to deal with it alone. I don't have the answers, I'm still hoping we get through it because, like you, I really do love my SO, but I do know there isn't anything selfish or wrong about feeling that way. Your feelings are completely valid.

If you're both already in counseling, I recommend making sure your counselor is well informed on ADHD and is aware that it's part of what's at play. If they don't know the full story, they can't help. I haven't gone to counseling myself (yet) but got that tip from Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? (I think? read too many things to know where I got what) which may also be a good read to consider if you're not yet ready to throw in the towel.

Your situation sounds tough even without dealing with a neurological disorder that causes amongst many relationship strife and high divorce rates. Everyone has baggage, it's just deciding for yourself if his baggage fits with yours and if you can learn and grow together for a better relationship and life. Good luck!

I highly suggest the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"

https://smile.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

One of the biggest concepts it helped my wife and I with was to stop giving our kids "punishments" and start giving them "natural consequences" for their actions.

Whenever they misbehave in a specific way then the consequence of their action is always somehow related to what they did, and to try to always make sure we warn him of potential consequences before they happen.

For instance today our son was playing too close to his sister's face with one of his toys so we warned him that he needed to not get so close to her because he might hurt her, and explained that there would be consequences if he didn't listen to us. Sure enough about 5 minutes later he accidentally bopped her in the nose and she started crying. I explained to him that because he hadn't listened to me and had hurt his sister as a consequence of his behavior he couldn't play with that toy again for the rest of the day and he had to leave the room and couldn't play with his sister for 10 minutes. He cried when I took the toy and then stood just outside the room sobbing until I let him back in and we talked about why he had to leave the room and why he needed to listen to me and be gentle around his sister. I think it worked out pretty well since he was more careful around her for the rest of the day, but I'm sure we'll go through the same thing all over again tomorrow.

That said, kids at this age being jerks who won't help is TOTALLY NORMAL and I absolutely snap at mine sometimes when I'm at my wit's end. If you're doing it right parenting is extremely hard work and nobody can be at the top of their game 100% of the time.

Remember that they aren't being jerks on purpose or with any kind of malice, they're just being jerks because that's what kids do. Their brains work differently than ours do and they lack the kind of impulse control and sense of responsibility that adults have. Part of what we're doing by having the same conversations/fights with them over and over and over again is helping them to learn the impulse control and responsibility that will make them successful adults.

Good luck! And please take a look at that book. It's a classic so you should be able to find a copy at your public library. It's a little hippie-dippie in parts but it has some really great suggestions and examples and it's helped me have a better relationship with my son.

I think this one is fairly well-recommended around here.
https://www.amazon.ca/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
And Yale has a parenting course that deals with this as well (and it is free to audit: you can take the course but you can't take the test at the end and get a certificate):
https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Take a solo vacation if at all possible - even if just to a hotel in your area, but you don't go home. You need to hit reset on your life.

Also, a constant refrain on this sub is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk You have to seriously want to change and be consistent with your follow-through if you want it to help, though.

Without a doubt, being publicly criticized can be a huge source of anger. Anger is often called a secondary emotion.
Primary emotions, just any emotions that come up first in an interaction like criticism, shame, fear, humiliation (these may not be the emotions you were feeling but just as examples) if not checked, fuel and eventually ignite anger.

So in your situation you have to try to not worry about what you look like in public. Don't worry about impressing anyone. Allow yourself to be silly and look awkward. If someone shouts, "Oh my God she can't even throw a ball" agree with them! Have a laugh. It's no big deal. Something that helps is to realize in half an hour nobody's even going to remember the details. But they will remember that you were easy to be around and able to be a good sport.

Also remember, "What other people think of me is none of my business." It doesn't matter if you can't hit a balloon with a dart to win a teddy bear at the carnival games. What does matter is that you allow yourself to have fun. That $5 is going into the void. "I didn't even hit the backboard, can you believe it? Ermahgerd!"

Most people usually aren't great at new skills the very first time. If it appears they are, it's because they've done something similar before and that skill carries over to what they are doing now.

So if you haven't done any of those kinds of things, it's all new. There's an often misused quote about learning new things, called the 10,000 hour rule. You have to do something for 10,000 hours to be any good at it some people say. But that's incorrect usage. 10k hours is a PhD. So you would be a complete master at whatever it is after 10k hours. It would be the equivalent of earning a doctorate and be able to stand in front of a room full of experts and talk at their level.

The truth is most people learn a new skill in about 20 hours. 20 hours is an hour a day on weekdays for a month. Or half an hour for a month and a half. Or three or four Saturdays. You can look at it so many different ways. You can take a 3 x 5 card and write Juggling or Ukulele on the top and just start writing down the 5, 10 or 15 minutes you spent practicing until it adds up to 20 hours and see how good you get.

But we all learn at different speeds and have different natural abilities. So some people will be amazing after 20 hours and some will say, "You know what, skate boarding is not for me. Since you love it I will go to the park with you but I will just sit and watch."

> when I am trying something that prevents me from leaving then I cry. And talking to the people there with me about how I am frustrated makes me keep crying.


Frustration is a subcategory of anger. A direct precursor. From now on when your emotions are at a 9 or 10 and should be at a 3 or 4 and you hear yourself using the word "frustrated" take note and switch to the word "angry". That might clarify some things for you. Personally I denied that I was angry for a long time. "Frustrated" was my buzzword and I refused to say I was angry until several different people corrected me over time. Then I finally started noticing what my triggers really were. What I thought was "frustrated" was really full on anger and I had been ignoring everything that led up to it. But those early thoughts and feelings before anger are the key to finding your real triggers and learning effective, proactive techniques for dealing with them.

Would you say you might have a little bit of social phobia? Or maybe fear of being trapped? There's a book called Thriving with Social Anxiety. I really love this book because it's extremely well organized and gets straight to the point. It gives different major approaches for trying to unpack what it is that's bothering us and how to address it. It's not specifically an anger management book like The Dance of Anger or When Anger Hurts. But it teaches a lot of the same skills such as assertiveness and practicing different approaches for uncomfortable situations.

But at the end of the day, some things are ok to enjoy watching more than doing. We can be the cheerleader for the people we love. We can choose how we want to participate and that can give us more control over how we feel. You can say, "I'm just along for the ride and the view" when you have to. And challenge yourself when you're feeling strong.

So give yourself time to learn new skills. Let yourself be pleasantly surprised when you find something you're actually pretty good at and try to laugh when you're really bad at something. The most important thing is it's ok to make mistakes. It's not how many times you drop the ball. It's how many times you pick it back up and try again. Hope this helps!

Edits: Sorry for writing a book! I edited this several times to add links and fix bad grammar.

I'm gonna shamelessly admit that I bought this book because the disconnect was getting pretty bad for us. It's helped me understand some things and change our relationship for the better. Of course, you have to talk about the stuff in the book. Hopefully your SO isn't so insecure about himself that the title of the book pisses him off lol

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

I heard good things about this book and it’s author (I’m familiar with “The Gift of Fear”): Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_I3kBDbRARZN9K

Might give you some guidance

I'm going to give you a reading list. He gives some good tips on what to look for and how to speak up for yourself.

Eg. if a man is walking toward you or insists on helping you carry your grocery bags, the author tells you what to do and how to set your boundaries. A normal man will listen to those boundaries, a predator will keep insisting.

If you notice someone stalking you, you can also ask a security guard or an employee to walk you to your car.

You can also partner up with another woman/mother with kids. safety in numbers.

If it was me I would probably tell him off, but that assertiveness is a skill it can take some time to acquire and feel comfortable using.

​

​

https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

https://www.amazon.ca/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=pd_bxgy_14_3/134-2609707-8269027?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0440509009&pd_rd_r=e328d520-7aa4-11e9-985f-5d3a71b469ca&pd_rd_w=IbjEI&pd_rd_wg=v5Doq&pf_rd_p=a62e2918-d998-4bbb-8337-35aac776e851&pf_rd_r=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS&psc=1&refRID=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS

I know I'm posting two links to the same author in this thread, but I promise they are both worth reading: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)

This is also a good book to check out. It saved my business partner's marriage:

Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay

Unhappy in what way? No sex? Yes. Different desires? Maybe but not if you can work it out another way.

I left an over 20 year relationship, with kids. Sex was certainly not the only problem but a 5 year dry spell was a big part of what caused all the problems. Looking back I can see it was the right decision and I am very much better off now.

Mostly I think sex is more like a barometer of the relationship in general, it's not usual to have a great relationship and be desperately unhappy only in bed. If you are that unhappy in bed there is more going on.

It is not wrong to want good sex, and not a frivolous reason to break up. How you relate sexually has a lot to do with how you relate in general. And people can grow in different directions, too.

The book that helped me was this one, I got it from the library.

(ETA: in my situation there was a lot more going on, and my kids are much better off now too. Their dad had become abusive so minimizing contact with him has improved their lives. So in my equation my worry about the kids went in the other direction)

Ugh, I wrote this whole post for you and then it didn't post!!!

I'll try to recap. FYI I have two sons, only child of an Nmom & Edad.

1. I think it's clear your son trusts you. You're doing something right.
   
   
2. It's a struggle for us ACoNs to know if we're doing a good job being parents, and I think that especially as golden children we have a hard time being critical. My parents say the same thing about me, how "good" I was and how I entertained myself. Um, I was good because if I wasn't, you didn't love me. But that's a digression. I would recommend checking out a few things about positive parenting. Two resources: this is THE book on positive parenting, recommended by the woman we took some parenting workshops with and my p-doc. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
   
   Other resource: parentingbydrrene.com
   
   These two resources will walk you through what it looks like to have empathy for your kid. So when they're acting out, start with their emotional state. Acknowledge & recognize their emotions. Then you can offer them choices, ways to figure out how to solve their own problem. This is EXACTLY what we never received as kids - and let me tell you, when you get it right it feels very healing to be able to be that parent that you know you never had. My kids feel comfortable telling me that I'm annoying, they hate me, or whatever.
   
   Final thought - the three things that we, as parents, need to provide are simple. Structure, autonomy, and warmth. Often we had as children a lack of structure (we never knew what the reaction of our Nparents was going to be), a total lack of autonomy since we were just an extension of our Nparent, and warmth but only when the Nparent felt like it. You're asking the right questions. You're gonna be great. <3

For anyone who wants more help with talking to kids (and really anyone) I highly recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I checked it out from the library last year and was just blown away at how great it was. Bought a copy for my own shelf.

Have you checked out 1-2-3 Magic? It is the #1 most successful parenting strategy that doesn't involve spanking and all that nonsense. It's an option, and has worked for many frustrated parents who don't know where to turn.

Amazon's hundreds of 5-star reviews speak volumes, as well.

Research Emotional Intelligence.

I had to do this for my last job and it had pretty good tips.

Also I recommend buying this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Self-Deception-Getting-Out-Box/dp/1576759776

Great book and good to read every few months.

I think breathing room is important for all relationships including our children.

If you’d like my meager overall advice about parenting it goes like this;

You are always going to second-guess whatever you do as a parent. It sounds depressing and it is a little bit. But that means that you care. And as long as you put their needs first they are probably going to be fine.

It sounds like you’re thinking that lack of discipline causes misbehaving children and maybe you were learning now that disciplining children is a lot different than you thought it was. Don’t worry parenting will humble you every second. It’s normal. That’s the kind of thing a group of parenting friends will help you with. Not feeling alone isn’t bitching. And they might have good ideas to help you out.

I would suggest that you think of your daughter as a person who is doing their best all the time. If she’s acting out something is pushing her to do that. And that thing may be her normally developing brain. You seem upset and feel like she lost skills she had before. It can seem that way but that’s very normal throughout development and she will get those skills back and more. And it may be something in her environment.

Think of your job as to make the conditions for good behavior happen as much as possible while understanding that this isn’t going to happen all the time. I would suggest the book
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=talking+so+kids+will+listen&qid=1558035620&s=gateway&sprefix=talking+so+&sr=8-1
As a good place to start.


As for your wife. I’m assuming you’re not expecting her to come home and discipline your daughter for something she did earlier that day? Kids her age don’t have the cognition to handle that.

Ask for what you and your daughter need from your wife. I know my husband always has my back when my kids aren’t listening to me. That helps. We do also try to call each other on stuff when we need a different perspective.

Good luck. Did I mention parenting is hard? I hope things get better for you.

Timeouts and discipline especially with kids so young are concepts that are misplaced. Growing up is all about learning new emotions from the happiness and sadness of a toddler to the excitement and anxiety of a teenager. Every year they age they experience more complex emotions and have to learn how to appropriately deal with them. When a child is acting out he is experiencing an emotion and not handling it appropriately.

This book is real good at showing you ways to communicate with your child. It has examples that go from a toddler all the way to when they are teenagers.

Good luck.

Edit: fixed link

I have a similar story, including the miscarriages. I am so sorry you're going through this. It hurts.

He's playing a shell game with you; he's not being honest and he's not going to change. You can mourn the relationship in situ but you'll be on lockdown until he leaves.

Whatever his reasons (and you've done enough work trying to understand those and have been lied to so you should stop), he's fine as things are. If he wanted change, he would be seeking ways to do it.

Two resources that were useful:

• "The 180." It was created as a way to regain your sense of self after a partner's affair, but it works just as well, in my experience, after the betrayal of a deadbedroom.
  
  
• The book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
  
  It hurts but don't waste anymore time. Keep us posted.

So you are really falling into a trap. Sure she murdered someone but she is good with children. See how stupid that is? Toxic behaviour doesn't get a pass just because they have some good traits. Honestly that is lazy thinking. If you want to gain perspective about your relationship, I highly suggest you read through this book. It should give you a bit of clarity. https://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1573662208&sr=8-1and if you really want to go into a deep dive, check out this book. https://www.amazon.ca/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Psychopath+Free&qid=1556035822&s=gateway&sr=8-1#customerReviews

We ended up using this book for our "counseling" I really liked it as it was research based. We tried to do an exercise or two each night after work without any distractions.

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

Has your husband read 7 principles for making marriages work? I mention it because there's a whole section in there about why it's important for husbands to support their wives, even in the face of in-laws. It might validate him that he did the right thing, if he sees that even famous relationship psychologists agree with him!

When I'm mildly to moderately hypo, I find that my empathy actually increases, but it tends to go away again when I start to lose too much sleep and become irritable.

Also, I don't think you have to resign yourself to diminished empathy. I spent many years acquiring interpersonal skills when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I find that the skills actually help me when I am at risk of losing empathy, especially the skill of active listening. It does take time to acquire the skills, but if you start learning now, your hypomanic self a few years from now will be grateful.

If you are interested in this solution, I recommend Robert Bolton's book People Skills, but if you're not a self-starter (like me) you may prefer to take formal courses. Check your local college calendar, continuing education, counseling centers, and so on. Look for courses with titles like interpersonal relations or introductory counseling, and make sure they are skills-based rather than theoretical. I took roughly 300 contact hours in communication skills, and I still read in the subject all the time. It's one of the best investments I ever made in myself.

There totally will be books like this but it's a matter of finding the right word for it. Someone elsewhere in this thread suggested adult ADD and that sounds plausible. And when I google 'how to cope with adult ADD' I find a lot of resources. For example this or this specifically about it's impact on relationships. ADD might not be the correct description of your behavior, but if you can find a medical term that comes close to describing what you struggle with then you can access all kinds of resources.

It sounds like this is more about her voice not getting heard than anything else. You and your partner and meta might need to sit down and learn to listen.

I recommend this book. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474335561&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen

How old is your child? Can you think of specific situations you have struggled with?

First, full disclosure. I'm not a parent, but I am wrestling with this myself while waiting to adopt an infant. I am also acting as a pseudo secondary mother to my teenage sister who is still under the thumb of our nmom. The work for the former, in conjunction with facing issues with nmom head on, has resulted in a huge difference with my sister. I used to perpetuate my mom's abuses, but since then an increase in empathy, patience and respect for autonomy has made all the difference. Situationally it looks different with younger kids, but it comes from the same place.


YMMV of course, but thus far our philosophy can be boiled down to a few core elements:

• Children are immature yet whole beings, entitled to every bit of respect that adults are entitled to
  
  
• Discipline means literally "to teach." Discipline =/= punishment, humiliation, or shame
  
  
• We "work with" instead of "do to"
  
  
• Parenting is the gradual process of perpetually stepping back
  
  
  Of my giant stack of books, I'd recommend:
  
  
• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn Resource on gentle parenting. Heavily cited and supported by evidence. Also see The Myth of the Spoiled Child.
  
  
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel Addresses attachment theory, how it effects brain development, how childhood attachment style and trauma effects your parenting as an adult, and how to work with it. Also key is the difference between enmeshing yourself in your child's feelings vs guiding them through them.
  
  
• No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel I haven't read this yet, but I'm a fan of Siegel, so...
  
  
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber This is a classic, very readable. Gives concrete strategies, and walks through practical scenarios. Discusses natural consequences vs purely punitive measures.
  
  
  If you're a busy parent who doesn't have time to read, I highly recommend this Siegel playlist about attachment and this video about communication and boundaries. Those two will probably lead you down a pretty decent youtube rabbit hole.
  
  Good luck!

I'd avoid being "right" or "wrong". Usually these blow ups are not triggered by the particular event but by what the child feels (rightly or wrongly) to be a pattern of irresponsibility.

If you can, see if you can get to the root of the issue. There's a very good book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
that outlines a lot of strategies to open communication channels between parents and children.

Well, Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, haven't you heard?

Hi internet stranger.

Good on you for caring about your family. It's clear you love them even though you're frustrated with them. I'm sorry there's so much stress. I don't have an easy answer for it. It's impossible to control the stress that's outside of yourself, but you can plan for it and plan how to react to it.

Do you know how to communicate assertively? Your mom heard the word,"Shit!" directed at her and felt blamed and attacked. So she reacted with anger and your needs weren't heard over her own emotions.

It's a way to state what you need and want without blaming others. It's less likely to escalate a situation and more likely to help you get what you want. You could try this link from Mayo Clinic about assertive strategies. Here's another link to Assertiveness Tools. A big trick though is being able to disengage and deescalate. (Take a deep breath, "I need space to think right now because I'm angry, but will come back when I feel I can do so" Walk away. Repeat as needed.)

Threatening bodily harm is not banter even if it's not acted on. It's wrong and should stop as it's an abusive counter productive pattern. I realize it was your mom in this case, but if you've engaged in it in the past, please stop. It's a pattern that needs to be broken and the only one you can control is yourself. So please, make sure to take care of yourself first. Have you all ever done family therapy? If you can, do so. Learning to talk and listen to each other during conflict is vital.

For your sister. Parenting her is your mom's job, not yours. It sounds like it's been super hard for a long time and I'm sorry to hear it. Yes, if you can lend strength and support to your family, do so, but if you're reaching a breaking point you need to step back. If taking care of yourself means being somewhere else, do it. ["How to Talk so Teens will Listen"] (https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741260/ref=pd_sbs_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=4B591E7FRHXNNKKGAF23) helped me with talking with others--especially teenagers. It's an easy to read book available at many libraries or books stores. Lend it to your mom.
She needs to be able to step to a calm place in her heart and put down the threats. Doing so takes real practice, but it can be done. Threats are not okay in so many ways.

Other thoughts: Sentences that have helped me during conflict.

"I'm really mad right now. I'm really mad, but I love you always and I want to solve this problem with you not against you."

"Can we just stop and hug each other? I'm so sad and I just want to be not mad anymore." (Maybe you can use this and go hug your mom if you want.)

"Can we talk about this after we've eaten?" (Okay, maybe that's just me. I get hangry like crazy.)

I hope your family works through this. I know that nothing here will make things magically okay. I also know that even if you all start trying to do your best to be calmer and kinder during arguments with all your hearts it won't just magically happen and all the anger go away. It's hard. Again, the only one you can actually directly control is yourself. Treat yourself kindly and respect. Work to do the same with others.
Goodluck.

First, I want to say that it is possible to help that kid. You need to change her context. Her behavior will change when the dynamics change with her caretakers.

Second, I want to say also that it's going to be very hard because she is still saying her father and step mom, and - I am sorry to say - but what you describe is child abuse plain and simple, so as long as she live that kind of dynamic with them, it's going to constantly set you back and break your efforts on your side. It's not impossible, but it's going to be very, very difficult to have steady progress while she lives abuse like that on their side. Someone suggested supervised visits on her dad side; if you can get that from a judge, it could really help.

> We have a system of incentives and consequences and we remind her of this, but she chooses the bad choice 99 times out of 100. We remain calm as much as we can, which is probably 80% of the time. We never hit her, but if she is being unsafe and destructive I carry her to her room to serve out her consequence, while being pummelled the whole time.

So the problem here is that although you are doing a much better job than her dad/stepmom, you are still acting with her under the same governing principles. It's a loop that looks like this:

She acts out > an adult punish her > She resists and feels more justified in her outrage and resistance because the punishing is humiliating and, from her point of view, unfair > Which leads her to act out even more > which triggers more punishments and so on and so on.

It's an escalating loop that simply CANNOT end well, on the long run; it's a downward spiral.

At a deeper level, each iteration of this nasty loop is eroding, and eventually killing the attachment - this special invisible link that makes children look up to their caretaker and makes them want to learn from them. As the kid becomes more and more detached, she no longer finds a reason to want to follow you and listen to your guidance; in fact, resisting the adult's guidance is about all what she feels is left for her to keep her sanity and keep feeling like she is not totally crushed. It's a coping mechanism to remain in control of her life despite all the beating and humiliation she lives on a regular basis.

So you need to reverse toward an auspicious cycle, a positive cycle. She needs to deeply feels like she matters MORE than her behavior. That EVEN when her behavior is at its worst, SHE IS STILL LOVABLE. Unconditionally. Unequivocally.

Watch this funny scene in "The martian child" where the adopted kid breaks stuff and he becomes scared that he could be kicked back to the orphanage, and watch how the adoptive dad reacts instead about "stuff"
It's just a movie, but it's profound. Children need to feel loved DESPITE how they act. Sometimes, the acting out can even be an unconscious way to test if they are really loved., if they can DARE to relax and feel like they can belong for real. Never let them prove themselves they aren't lovable.

> If you ask her to do something involving getting ready for school, getting dressed, brushing her hair, etc, she completely changes, like flipping a switch.

When she wants something and she doesn't get it, it's not the stuff she really is missing. She is reacting to the terrible feeling of rejection, because she doesn't know that refusing what she ask did not mean you no longer love her or that she is not worth being loved.

When you ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, you trigger her bad cycle of defiance-punishment-defiance and she instinctively recoil to it as it instantaneously destroys her mood and puts her back in that dark place where her experience is that she is being repressed and punished.

Even if you TELL her that you love her and that the punishment is about her actions, not herself, her experiences tell her otherwise. In her guts she feels not worthy as soon as something wrong happens, because the attachment is weak. It needs to be reinforced.

Instead: try active listening. Name her emotions: "You are SO SO SOOOO ANGGRY right now!" and validate her emotions.
If she screams that she wishes you were not alive and she hates you, respond with gentleness. Lay down your defenses, be vulnerable, tell her it makes you sad because you love her so much; but even if she hates you, you don't care, you love her anyway. Don't go away from her when she is storming. Stay, gently, opened, don't punish, name the emotions so she feels UNDERSTOOD in the violence of her emotions, until the storm passes and at THAT moment, you have a KEY door that will slightly open just for a brief time for her to fall into your arms, exhausted, and violence will turn into tears and you will have a real connection suddenly, as her own emotional shields comes down.

It's a long process. It's draining and difficult, and I am afraid you may have to do it all again several times as she will go back to her dad and it will trigger her defenses again. But it's possible. Family counseling can of course help. I am also leaving you with a book reference: Dr Green, The Explosive child

I hope this will point you toward the right direction.
Good luck, and if you have more questions do not hesitate.

This is a pretty good list.

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non-defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
The last point includes these actions:
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
• Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
• https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
• This book pretty much started a revolution in the therapy industry on how they help those betrayed by adultery deal with it. She was one of the first using therapies based on PTSD recovery for those who have suffered infidelity.
• I will warn you that Not Just Friends, while a very good book, is full of triggers because of how she maps out how affairs begin. What I recommend is that if you find it triggering, that you put it down and then come back to it when you are in a better mental state.
• Finally you need to make sure that you take care of yourself.
• Force yourself to eat small meals, and if you can't do that then try meal replacement shakes.
• Drink water, maybe tea to keep you hydrated, and try to stay away from alcohol. It is a depressant and while it will help in the short term you need to watch out for the long term.
• Sleep. I know you are having issues with this. If you need try an over the counter pain reliever with a sleep aid or a better thing to do is to consult your doctor. Most of these contain generic benadryl which causes drowsiness.
• You need to have your wife and yourself go in and have a full STD panel done. Unfortunately in fantasy land waywards and APs rarely think about using protection.
• Finally, don't be too quick to enter couple's counseling. Too many marriage counselors are trained in such a way to work on relationship problems, and not infidelity. They end up doing more harm than good. If you have decided to go this route then please interview the counselor first to find out how they work with couples dealing with this. IF the counselor talks about relationship issues and unmet needs causing infidelity thank them and find another therapist.

Here is the book. It can be done.

I can't recommend this book enough:

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

It walks you through the important issues, and is based on surveys, years later, of people who stayed in their marriage or left, and how they feel about their decision in retrospect.

I read this after my divorce. If I had it years before, I would have divorced quicker instead of agonizing for so long. It would also have helped me better articulate to my ex why I was divorcing.

Here are the questions that are discussed in the book - but you really do need to read the whole book, to get the full idea:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/624336

1. Thinking about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?
   
   
2. Has there been more that one incident of physical violence in your relationship?
   
   
3. Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?
   
   
4. If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally you could end your relationship?
   
   
5. In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) that you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for awhile?
   
   
6. Would you say that to you, your partner is basically nice, reasonable intelligent, not too neurotic, okay to look at, and most of the time smells alright?
   
   
7. Does you partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such and ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort?
   
   
8. Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about?
   
   
9. Have you got to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it’s more likely that he’s lying than that he’s telling the truth?
   
   
10. In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?
    
    
11. Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this the way things are between you now, without any expectation of being paid back?
    
    
12. Do both you and your partner want to touch each other and look forward to touching each other and make efforts to touch each other?
    
    
13. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner?
    
    
14. Does your partner neither see nor admit things you’ve tried to tell him/her to acknowledge that make your relationship too bad to stay in?
    
    
15. Is there something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in and that s/he acknowledges but that, for all intents and purposes, s/he’s unwilling to do anything about?
    
    
16. This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave; have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful?
    
    
17. As you think about your partner’s problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, does s/he acknowledge it and is s/he willing to do something about it and is s/he able to change ?
    
    18 & 19. Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?
    
    

• If my partner did......................................................................................... ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship
  
  
• If my partner didn’t do.............................................................................. ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship
  
  
• If these things were true about my partner....................................... ...then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship
  
  

20. Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?
    
    
21. In spite of all the ways you’re different, would you say that deep down or in some respect that’s important to you, your partner is someone just like you in a way you feel good about?
    
    LIST
    
    

• Things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving
  
  
• Things I’m afraid of in my new life that make me think about staying.
  
  For each item on the list ask:
  
  
• Is this true?
  
  
• Is this likely?
  
  then
  
  
• What else is possible?
  
  
• What’s most likely?
  
  

22. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem impossible, difficult or unpleasant?
    
    
23. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem easier, more attractive and make staying no longer desirable?
    
    
24. Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?
    
    
25. As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?
    
    
26. Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you?
    
    
27. Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have a sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time?
    
    
28. Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship?
    
    
29. Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?
    
    
30. Is there some particular need that’s so important to you that if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and are you starting to get discouraged about ever having it met?
    
    
31. Given the way your partner acts, does it feel as though in getting close to you what he’s most interested in is subjecting you to his anger and criticism?
    
    
32. When the subject of intimacy comes up between you and your partner, is there generally a battle over what intimacy is and how to get it?
    
    
33. Does your relationship support your having fun together?
    
    
34. Do you currently share goals and dreams for your life together?
    
    
35. If all the problems in your relationship were magically solved today, would you still feel ambivalent about whether to stay or leave?

/u/tanhan27 has some great advice.

As another husband working to heal broken marriage right now, I'd recommend working through this book alongside pastoral counseling. My wife and I have both found it to be very helpful for remembering how to think of one another positively and lovingly after letting what once seemed like insurmountable bitterness build up between one another. It's not coming from an explicitly Christian perspective, but when used with a clear understanding of God's plan for marriage it can be a very powerful guide through the details of healing a marriage.

I agree with everyone's recommendations about therapy. I would also recommend Skills Training (sometimes called Life Skills or Skill Building) and not just because that's what I do for a living. I'm not sure if it's available in your area but basically when I get a referral it's typically because the youth's behavior is to a point where displacement is a distinct possibility. I do as thorough an assessment as possible - when do these episodes occur, where do they occur, etc - and then put what I learn through the Collaborative Problem Solving Assessment and Planning Tool to identify these situational factors as well as the lagging skills that contribute to the behaviors we're seeing. Then I put together a Service Plan which is very different kid to kid but the gist is we are going to do X, Y, Z (could be activities like board games, could be behavior modeling and coaching, etc) to address the lagging skills. I've managed to keep a lot of difficult kids in placements with these tools. Look into Skills Training in your area. Also, I'd recommend reading The Explosive Child and researching Collaborative Problem Solving.

You might also take a look at The Explosive Child.

Gavin de Becker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift offer excellent insights on this topic. Despite the book titles, I've found I live with less fear by employing some of the authors tactics.

I dont know...but my friend is going through this right now and I reccomended this book to her.

Maybe it will help you too?

It seems like you are on the right track! You were able to create an environment where you mostly stopped this behavior until it was triggered again. Have confidence in yourself and what you have done to get to this point.

It sounds like visits are causing her trauma cup to overflow with pain. To reduce the level of trauma in the cup, she needs empathy and positive support. Try validating her feelings: "sometimes it can be hard to remember how things used to be; it's ok to miss your mom and be mad at her at the same time" etc...Giving her her wishes in fantasy can help sometimes: "I bet you wish you could stay in the backyard all night playing!" and then allow her to talk about what she would do before transitioning back inside. The classic book How to Talk so Kids will Listen has great advice for supporting children's emotional needs: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=asc_df_1451663889/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61194519294&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415

I've had some luck with playful engagement for snapping kids out of the "bad kid" role they sometimes learn to play in their attention starved homes. I'll act shocked and aghast and pretend to look all over the house for the "real" child's name. Or I'll pretend we are acting in a play and they are playing a role and then transition to the "scene" ending. TBRI has advice on this or read The Connected Child. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/

First-then statements can help with predictability, trust, and felt-safety. "First we are going to clean up our toys, then we will go to the park etc..." If-then is also helpful for stating consequences when needed.

Reading her books at bedtime that explain the foster care process (she may have anxiety about returning home or suddenly being moved to a new family) and reassure her that you care about her no matter what. I absolutely love the book "Love you From Right Here." https://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Right-Here-Keepsake/dp/163296029X

Building in some sensory/regulation support proactively would probably be a good idea. Google sensory diet. You could also make a routine with a picture chart for her to help her sense of predictability. This is why playing outside likely calms her down. http://www.psychedconsult.com/uploads/5/5/2/7/5527771/9060909_orig.jpg The idea is that you do something every two hours like hopping on a hopper ball or carrying something heavy to help keep her brain and body calm.

Spending 5-15 minutes every single day no matter what to play with her one on one and use the PRIDE skills can cause remarkable change in just a few days. You can't ever take the time away though, no matter how poorly she behaves that day. http://www.impactparenting.com/storage/post-docs/PRIDE%20handout.pdf

Using time ins instead of time outs is a better practice whenever possible. Of course, as an adult, sometimes I am really the one that needs 30 seconds to get myself in a good place so I can be effective, so taking a quick time out first is sometimes needed for me. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/userfiles/Downloadable%20Handouts/COS_Time-In.pdf

I agree with the above she needs professional help right away. I also suggest you read “How to talk so kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk.” There is also a Teen version you may want to check out. Giving her a “homework time out” isn’t working nor will it ever work. Try working with her to solve problems instead of punishing her for them. ie “I like when the toilet is flushed. What can we do to help remember to flush the toilet?” Make a list with her (let her come up with the first idea. Write it down even if it’s outlandish. If she can’t think of anything then you say something outlandish/funny.) Once you have a list reason with her what the best one is for you both. The book goes into detail about this process.

Sounds like you have way too high expectations for a 2-year old. I say that because you imply multiple rules. Pick 1 or 2 things that could be life threatening and those are the rules. Everything else is just suggestions and you gotta help them along with it. 2 year olds don't really listen and they don't even know how to reason.

At 2 they really don't understand the concepts of cause and effect yet and you just appear to be going crazy on them.

Also stop hitting and yelling (i'm really bad at yelling). All you are teaching is that when you get angry you should yell at and hit people. You are setting yourself up for bigger problems in the future. Look to time outs and counting, etc.

I have a friend that was having major behavioral issues with his 5 year old. He swears that 123 magic fixed his issues. We started reading it for our kids, but I haven't started implementing it yet. Conceptually it is more about teaching self control, first to the parents then to the kids because when you step back and look at it when the parents yells and hits it is typically the parent having a temper tantrum and just teaching bad habits.

This guy is a complete child, and he's taking you for granted. Here is the thing about relationships: if the two people have good communication and are both willing to talk through their issues and are committed to working things out, then anything can be solved. If they don't have that, then nothing can be solved. It sounds to me like he's not really willing to try.

Allow me to recommend a book about relationships, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay," a step-by-step guide authored by a psychologist that will walk you through a process of evaluating your relationship. It is a great book that will really through some clarity on your relationship. Good luck.

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411169889&sr=1-1&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay

I highly recommend you check out Adele Faber's books on talking to kids. I've only read the ones specifically for working with younger children and the one specifically for teachers, but she does have one about talking to teens.

Don't know if you've already heard of or read it but this book is supposed to be really helpful for parenting difficult kids.

I’m so sorry. You are right to feel sad and angry. I read a book that might help you too. I did leave my cheating spouse so I can’t offer advice on saving the marriage but I can tell you in my case the pain is still there. I think therapy would be a smarter route if you are staying in your marriage. I didn’t get therapy and I think it would have helped a lot.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_PsIiDbKNF213Y

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You know in the movie Donnie darko when what’s her fuck said that “cellar door” is the most beautiful phrase in the English language? Well “I trust her, I just don’t trust him” is the most idiotic, schmuck, fucking clueless inexperienced beta male shit ass dumb fucking phrase in the English language.

Every word he has spoken or written to your wife, every iota of motivation to interact with her, every second he has spent around your wife is fueled by romantic/sexual feelings. Not. Fucking. Platonic. And your wife... best case scenario loves the attention....worst case, she loves him. It’s probably somewhere in the middle.

You say he’s not a scumbag. That should worry you. A scumbag would make his intentions known overtly. A scumbag wouldn’t be pining away for a taken woman for years. A scumbag wouldn’t be sending a married woman gifts. A scumbag would actually be living his life and going after other women.

Call me old fashion... but the minute a man makes a pass at a married woman... if she has boundaries and values her marriage and husband... that dude is officially excommunicated. But no, you let her make him hubby number 2. Your happy your wife has someone to talk to while your at work? Huh? So what exactly does your wife do? She doesn’t have a job? What kind of shit show are you running?

Yes your wife is up to something. You say you have access to their messages. Ok bud... if you think youve seen more then A small fraction of their communication then i have some ocean front property in Iowa I’d like to sell you. Why is she talking on apps? Why aren’t they texting? And why is it 2 different apps? The age old question is can men and women be friends? Yes they can.... they just aren’t. Humans are motivated by attraction. Attraction is literally the most important thing in the western world. If your wife was 300 pounds with the exact same personality... this dude wouldn’t even know her name. Same goes for your wife. If she wasn’t attracted to him... she would zero motivation to interact with him. That’s how adults work. Someone commented earlier about trust being more then just her not having an affair. The fact that your marriage is even in this position should effect the trust you have for your wife.

I would tell my wife that he is not to set foot in this house nor is she to be alone with him . And that you’ve had enough and we will be taking him to dinner to talk about how it’s time for him to get his own life, about her lack of boundaries and making “marriage first” choices. This will be a good bye dinner.

And you and your wife need to read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

Here’s a free pdf version. https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Shirley-P.-Glass-Jean-Coppock-Staeheli-Not-_Just-Friends__-Rebuilding-Trust-and-Recovering-Your-Sanity-After-Infidelity.pdf

I can’t comprehend why you have given the green light to ANY of this fuckery...

He forced me to talk to him, so I did. I read some quotes to him from Trapped in the Mirror but it didn't phase him at the time. It was among every other verbal punch I could think of; I wanted to make him feel how I felt. He just emotionally checked out.

My brothers intervened and then we all sat down to talk with him. They mostly quizzed him about his spousal support demands, but I continued to poke the bull. I quickly noticed how child-like my father was acting. Shutting down and talking in circles when cornered or caught in a lie. He kept coming back to "there is something you don't know but I can't tell you". He was sitting on a stool and I found it really interesting that he was swinging his feet like a kid. It doesn't seem like an appropriate response, so I figure our inquisition was triggering memories of his (probably narcissistic) mother.


Eventually we pushed enough buttons to bring out his favorite emotion: anger. He stood up, clenched his fists, and tightened his neck. He told me I needed to "man up", so I stood up too and started laughing in his face. He stomped off as I made quips about him going home to drink away his emotions like usual.

It's been a couple of years and he's only tried to call once. Although, he did tell my mom at one of their divorce meetings that he was worried my "therapist was planting thoughts in my head". My mom and I laughed about it, but it's also really saddening that he found yet another excuse to avoid reality.

So you were in a ruff patch and found someone shiny and new. You started having an emotional affair with this guy who was receptive to the situation and wanted to be more than friends. Instead of distancing yourself, you continued to be around him until you were weak enough to cheat. This is a culmination of bad choices on your part and now you know you are capable of cheating. You will also carry this for the rest of your life unless you are a narcissist.

The instant a friend expresses romantic interest in you, they are no longer a friend they are a threat to your relationship. At that point you need to distance yourself from the friend until they no longer have feelings for you. Also, you can never really be that close to them again while you are in a relationship.

Advice:

• If you have not told your BF, tell him before he finds out another way. Be prepared for the relationship to end.
  
• You are young and should probably move on anyway to let your boyfriend heal and to find someone who will not hurt him like this. He does not need a partner that he has to worry about every time they go out alone. How would you feel being with someone who you had to monitor or they might be cheating on you? Trust is very hard to restore and it is probably best to start over with someone else.
  
• Get an STD test done before sleeping with anyone else.
  
• Remember if they are willing to cheat with you, they will be willing to cheat on you. This new guy had no respect for your relationship, so if you enter one with him, he will probably cheat if given the opportunity.
  
• Read this book to help you do some soul searching.
  
  Good luck,

Both of you should read this. I just finished it, and I think it does a good job relaying the different sides to each person. She identifies way more common relationship problems due to ADHD than you think are related. Just a good read overall.

Edit: There's an ebook link floating around the sub somewhere, but I can't find it. I can pull it from my laptop in the morning.

Oh hon, I feel you. This gets me because I felt the same way. I still do. I have a 19 month old toddler.

Start here: Parenting from the Inside Out.

This book will really help you decipher your family, and really give you hope and tools for not reproducing their problems onto your little beauty of a tiny awesome person.

It's pretty straightforward and incredibly useful.

Then read this and this. Yes read them while you're pregnant because again they will give you hope and insight.

Buy this book and start reading it now too. We call it the Baby Bible in our house.

It's a survival manual for the first year of their life. It has everything. I don't know how many times we've pulled it down and flipped to the index at 2:00 am. It's better than Google. It's fantastic. (That said, it has an angle like all parenting books, even though it tries not to. They are attachment parenting writers. Nothing wrong with attachment parenting per se, just an awareness all parenting books have angles, even the impartial ones.)

Also, if you're anything like me, avoid all the happy, glowing, blowing-stardust-and-glitter-up-your-ass, pregnancy books out there. These did nothing but enrage me. I'm talking about What to Expect and similar. Unless you like stardust and bullshit, avoid avoid avoid.

Basically if you go to a thrift store and there's 8 copies of the damn pregnancy or parenting book on the shelf, don't buy it.

Instead check out books like this and this and this.

Now I haven't read those exact books, unlike all my other recommendations above, all of which I've personally read as a scared, overwhelmed pregnant lady or new mom. But as long as you stay in the 'brutally honest' lane and away from the 'syrupy sweet, guilt laden, shame' lane, then you'll be fine.

Even in 2019 there's a mountain of mommy advice bullshit books out there. Keep your instincts and your wits about you, don't forget who you are. Stay strong. And work on yourself with books like Parenting from the Inside Out and the How to Talk books.

A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.

You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.

Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.

Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.

That and https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_a2wRDbZZJXDEK

are the two key books that were very helpful. The book by Glass goes a little overboard with the stories (trying to be personable and not dry), but I just skim read those. But it does get into the key issues.

Then you cannot see it. Here are some of the resources:

Books:

'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass

'How To Help Your Spouse Recover =From Your Affair'. By Linda McDonald.

Web sites/videos:

Affair Recovery Free Resources.

AffairRecovery.

Good luck OP and keep us updated!

There are lots of internet resources and some great books.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/symptoms-causes/syc-20350878

https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

https://www.verywellmind.com/marriage-and-adult-add-20411

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-distracted-couple/201407/adhd-and-relationships-the-other-partner

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm

Note the subject of this webinar is a brand new Dr. Barkley book that came out 5 months ago that I was not familiar was released. it is

Links to Amazon: When an Adult You Love Has ADHD: Professional Advice for Parents, Partners, and Siblings Paperback – September 15, 2016

----

And before even talking about his own book (I am watching live) he recommends another book and I can also say it is very good ADHD book and it is

Links to Amazon: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder Paperback – August 31, 2008

I bought this book mostly for myself but as I read through it I realized several parts were describing my spouse, too! It could be helpful for both of you to read. There is an audio book format too if that works better for you.

If you are diagnosed with ADHD medication can help a lot of the issues you've mentioned. I hope your wife sticks by you through this. If you have ADHD getting treatment really helps!

I easily could have wrote this about my relationship. It was amazing to read that someone else us going through the exact same thing I have been with my ADHD husband! It's still a work in progress for us but here's what's worked for us:

-marriage counseling: it took a while for my husband to even want a diagnosis and after 6 months, he still accepting it. He's still seeing how it effects me and our relationship and the counselor has really helped with that. When I have a problem that related to his ADHD (say being on his phone all the time) she walks him through how I feel when he's on his phone, walks me through why he seems addicted and helps us reach a compromise. Its also done wonders for getting him to accept his diagnosis and realize its not a flaw, its who he is.

-correct dosage: my husband is on adderall and started at the lowest dose. It definitely worked but there were still some problems with focus and motivation. Our counselor recommended changing his dose and getting an afternoon booster dose to slow the crash. His doctor agreed and its been a day and night change. With the lower dose he was helpful around the house but with the right dose, he will do things without being asked, he's emotionally supportive, and remembers what he says he will do.

-books: ADHD and the Marriage, Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD, and More Attention, Less Deficit have been immensely helpful.

-talking about his diagnosis: for a while, my husband hid his diagnosis from everyone except his parents and mine. It was ok but I was still seen as the controlling, nagging wife because I reminded him a million times to do X while we were visiting family (change in routine is difficult and throws him off). Eventually, he opened up a little to his siblings and my family, so they sort of understood why I act naggy when we visit. They don't completely get it and still fall into the "snap out of it and focus" camp but it's helped.

-routine: get on it and stay on it. Right now, my husband is asleep next to me. I can tell you with incredible accuracy that he will wake up, take his adderall, let the dogs out, shower, feed the dogs, and get coffee before his sits on the couch and plans his day. Its the routine and that's how it will stay. I know with a kid its a lot more difficult to have an established routine but even just a morning one will work wonders. Make things easy until he can get his head on straight in the morning.

-automate everything: auto coffee pot, auto bill pay, etc. Eliminate tasks that need to be done so no one has to worry about it. If it can't be automated, make it as easy as possible. Recently, we switched to registering our cars for 5 years. That way no one has to think about it every year.

I completely understand what you're going through. It can be tough dealing with an ADHD spouse. PM me if you ever need support or to vent or anything.

I found this book, "How to Talk so Children Listen, and Listen so Children Talk"to be helpful. While the focus is on communicating with children it has techniques that can be useful for communicating with adults. It doesn't help with reading body language but it helps with techniques on clarifying what other people are talking about and keeping a discussion calm.

There's a book for that.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

Sometimes the language is a bit awkward because the kids in the book might not sound like the kids we have, but the underlying principles still apply. I think it strikes a good balance between giving specific strategies and explaining principles. It's not too gimmicky, yet it gives you enough detail to implement ideas.

I recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 it's over 30 years old so it's probably available at the library so you don't have to pay as much.

I recently red it after seeing it recommended on /r/parenting many times and it really is great. Chapter 3 is about 'alternatives to punishment'. That title is a bit misleading because the alternatives include options that I call 'punishment' like natural consequences (cleaning up a mess you've made). But that's just different definitions I suppose. Anyway I was a bit skeptical at first but I've used my kids as testbunnies and was amazed to find it works. The book is, unlike other parenting books I've red before, very hands on with real life situations rather than philosofical parenting.

Ugh that sounds exhausting... In my experience, terms like threenager and fournado make excuses for bad behavior simply based on their age. Time for some tough love parenting... maybe check out how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk this book

Ours are 2 years 7 months apart. He's 6 months today. My daughter hit 3 with a vengeance pretty much right after the baby was born. Suddenly everything made her angry, she didn't want talk, everything was a challenge. No more potty training, started hitting Grandma, yelling loudly, didn't want to go to bed. We were/are tired, it was rough. Lots of arguments. But the good news is that I read this book and it is amazing. I wish I had started reading it 3 months ago when I bought it but I was probably sleeping.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

My wife and I just finished this book. I plan on reading it over and over as my son (2.5) gets older:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

I struggle with this, too. It has been very painful for me to realize that I have parenting blind spots that were (of course!) just not visible to me until I realized that my own damage (or adaptations or whatever word you prefer) from my upbringing is significant and pervasive.

This isn't specifically a book for ACOA people, but I really like it, it's the most useful parenting book I've read, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen"

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

It's still hard, though. I regularly run into triggers where I realize that I have deep veins of stuff I haven't worked through. I'd love more resources for parenting as an ACOA, too.

One suggestion that may seem odd (depending on who you're interacting with): How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives specific advice and examples, and even has some exercises to help you absorb and practice the material.

It's obviously focused on talking/listening to kids, but much of the advice can be applied to any relationship.. I know that the first and most important point—to just acknowledge the other person's feelings instead of denying them or offering advice—has helped me become a better listener. The "offering advice" and "just acknowledging" approaches are demonstrated in this Parks and Rec clip, which introduced me to this idea.

I have read the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin which is targeted to stepmothers and is about stepmothers mostly. I thought it was really good in validating the really shitty stuff that we don't often like to admit (jealousy/anger/etc.).

I also read How to talk to kids so they listen and how to listen to kids so they talk because as a non-bio parent walking into a relationship with an 8 year old girl, I had a lot of learning to do, including communicating with a child (that wasn't a student/cousin/neighbour's kid/etc). Sometimes the example situations are overly positive but I've taken a lot of the techniques on board because who doesn't want to be listened to at the end of the day?

That's all I've really read in depth and that has helped me. The best thing tho in my opinion is to seek counselling for the family if it's really hard or at least couple's counselling. Because it all depends on the relationship of the couple...

Check out the chapter Freeing Children from Playing Roles in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, which gives many tools for addressing this.

Hope this doesn't come across as a criticism of your approach. I've just been thinking about this topic a lot lately.

(Edit: I have also mentioned this book in other threads, but it has been life changing.)

Thank you for reaching out for information and advice to help your daughter and as well your relationship with your wife. Your situation is like Shrodinger's Cat and no one knows whether of not your daughter has autism. However, your question is: how should you and your wife view and parent your daughter until the assessment?

I am guessing your wife has a list of behaviours to support her belief that your daughter have autism and you mention that she stims. You said that OT and SPL believe she has autism after 10 minute assessment and her teacher and your mother does not. When you said you don't want to put her in a box and focusing on what she can do, do you mean you believe: 1. autism should not be used as an excuse for certain behaviours? 2: your daughter should be held to higher expectation despite her shortcoming? 3. your wife's list of concerns about your daughter can be overcome with your style of parenting

Your post offers very little factual information about your daughter, what exactly you and your wife disagree on, unless this is literally an argument about syntax and definition.What are the concerning behaviours? Who is the primary care taker of the child? Let's stick to facts we know about autism. Autistic female tends to be under diagnosed because they tend to be able to 'act more normal' for lack of better terms. OT and SPL are trained professionals on developmental disability and the teacher and your mother are not. If OT and SPL can offer an diagnose on your daughter within 10 minute, you must then use your logic to decide 1. are these professionals are wrong and teacher, mom, and us, who have no training in diagnosis are right? or 2. does my daughter have clear signs of developmental delay?

Also, there are many other developmental delays, physical or psychological conditions that can be possible. For example, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Language Disorder, Selective Mutism, Social Anxiety, etc etc etc If your wife is concern about your daughter, it is worth the effort and the time to take a closer look, to be thorough, to be prepared, and support each other through this difficult and scary journey. It is always better to be more vigilant than negligent.

Let's say your daughter does not have autism. However, your wife has must have pointed out some difficult behaviours that she needs help tackling. Most experts agree that strategies used to help autistic children to thrive are superior parenting and teaching techniques for every child, even neurotypical ones. You do not need to wait until the diagnose to get the help your daughter and your wife needs. If you can let us know what behaviours your wife is concerned about, we can help you come up with good ways to manage or redirect regardless if your daughter's diagnose.

If you do not trust our inputs can be objective or effective for your daughter, I recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. This is a parenting book for neurotypical children, but the skills are also useful for children with autism.

I hope this helps.

P.S. Don't focus who is right or wrong in a relationship. That way everyone loses. The most important thing here is that your daughter thrives. Focusing on succeeding not winning.

Get the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," and then when he's older, get the sequel for teens. They're brilliant.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741260

You sound like an awesome father. Your son is lucky to have you. My son has a sensory processing disorder and he is considered a "explosive child." Doctors think he might be on the spectrum. I am happy your son is able to attend ABA therapy. One thing that helped me with my 5 year old was this book: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0743525086

This book also helped me to understand how frustration and not being able to deal with dissapointment was at the heart of some of his anger: https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3HZXLLH7AYKGW&keywords=explosive+child&qid=1554916295&s=books&sprefix=explossive+%2Cstripbooks%2C147&sr=1-1

​

I also started to give him CBD gummiest. I only give him 3 mg. His explosive anger has greatly subsided. He is a different kid. He still has major meltdowns but I would say they have been reduced by 40% in frequency and intensity. Other people have posted on the CBD with kids issue. If you use the search function you can find some of those threads.

Good luck to you. please report back if you decide to use CBD with your child. I am sure there are other parents who would like to know more.

My husband has ADHD. And yes, he sometimes forgets things. But ADHD is not an excuse to be a jerk.

The problem I see with your husband is not that he forgets to put things away or throw them away, it’s that he doesn’t recognize how this affects you. “It’s just a cup”...but it isn’t just a cup to you! It’s cup after cup on top of all the other little things and it adds up! He needs to at least be willing to acknowledge how this affects you, and apologize and try to do better. It sounds like the therapist is enabling his behavior.

One thing that I think helps my husband and I (because we both can be messy) is to have company over every week or 2, because it forces us to clean up our messes so our house isn’t embarrassing. Maybe this is something you can try to start. Don’t clean up after him, let it pile up for over a week so he can see how it adds up! If he doesn’t see the stuff he left all over the house, start piling it up on his side of the bed or somewhere that it’s in his way. I mean ON the bed so he can’t go to bed without touching it.

One thing that I think you might try is, ask him to set aside 20 minutes a day and use that time to go around the house together to pick up messes. Put it on a calendar, ideally with reminder notifications! When you have ADHD, you don’t just give up on being a properly functioning adult, you find ways to work around your shortcomings! Use technology and post it notes or whatever else it takes.

My husband always forgets to carry the laundry up or down the stairs when I ask him to. It can take days. I don’t give in and do it...I have an endless supply of underwear and he doesn’t. But sometimes I will move the hamper so it’s right in the doorway and he’d have to basically trip over it to get in our room. My next step is getting him to use the same technique to remind himself.

What does your husband spend his time doing? Do you get as much free time as he does? I bet not. These are really important issues to work through now because it’s going to get much more difficult after the baby arrives. There’s a book I’ve heard a lot about that I think touches on division of labor a fair bit..you should check it out. How to Not hate Your Hisband after Kids

I’m also a FTM and I haven’t read it yet, but I saw this book at the store the other day and it actually has pretty good reviews. If you’re into reading, it might be good! It’s supposed to have practical advice about communication etc.

Protecting the Gift was immensely helpful for me.

This might not answer your question outright, but this book talks about the subject of teaching/protecting your child from unwanted physical contact/abuse/violence. It's very matter of fact, and it's definitely changed my views on certain parenting choices.

Another vote for 9 as definitely being old enough to go to the playground alone. I also grew up with lots of autonomy as a kid and plan on giving my kids the same freedoms. I walked to kindergarten alone and I just can't imagine my kids being any less capable than I was. Kids need to get outside and play without their parents there.

How was your wife's childhood? Was she given freedom and autonomy? I have a few older friends with teenagers who were never allowed out of their parent's sight. The kids are now lovely teens, nice, friendly, happy and fun to talk to, but totally unable to do anything for themselves, from make a sandwich to take the bus. I recommend the book Protecting the Gift. Great advice about how to teach your kids to be safe.

Yay! That's awesome.

Side note: security expert Gavin de Becker says in one of his books that parents should not train kids to ask police officers for help, because kids can't tell the difference between police officers and mall rent-a-cops, and a kind of startling number of serial killers, rapists, etc. have worked as rent-a-cops (he includes a list in his book). I think it was this book: https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

Also, mall cops usually work for the mall rather than a specific store, so they have the run of the place and could take your kid anywhere. In a mall or store, the kid should ask a cashier, because typically a cashier can't leave that store and may not even be able to leave the cash register without getting in trouble. Also, they often have a PA system right there so they can make an announcement.

De Becker recommends telling kids to ask for help from a woman, not from a man, because statistically speaking women are so much less likely to kidnap and harm children.

Yes, this was cheating.

Many of us here have had this happen,. It happened to me. My ex-husband turned a "friendship" into more. It shattered my heart into a million pieces because the lying bothered me more than the affair (which later turned physical). We'd been together 15 years, so I thought it was a one off. Then I found out about more as we proceeded to divorce.

If you want to save it (or even just understand more), then I highly suggest a book called "Not Just Friends". My therapist suggested it, and it ultimately helped me decide that divorce was the right answer in my situation.

Also, don't believe a word of her remorse. Pay attention to her actions.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KoM0Bb4C3JQB8

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship has helped me evaluate my marriage. Not an end-all but gives you some things to think about.

> Too good to leave, too bad to stay

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

By Mira Kirshenbaum

Maybe it is a good explanation for his behavior. Excuse? Nope. In fact, it’s all the more reason to run... Untreated mental health issues do not make for a good partner. Even if you were married, that would be a poor reason to try to “fix” it but you are lucky and getting these red flags before you are married or have kids (? I hope?) which will further complicate it. The more time you are with him, the more investment there is, and it only gets harder to leave.

The other thing that makes it hard is that you likely know all the softer, sweet, or funny parts of him, and it makes it hard to reconcile the behavior with those other qualities and contribute to second-guessing yourself. Most people are not 100% good or bad. In this case, The thing the bad behavior and/or traits overshadow the good there is.

I speak from experience... I actually married my guy like that. Then had a kid. And 21 years in, I had to go.

Think about that. Think about the next 20 years of your life peppered with dramas and inconvenience and pain like you had when he abandoned you on the side of the road.

Leaving was the single hardest thing I’ve chosen to do in my adult life, and I honestly did not think I would make it — emotionally. For years I thought that I just needed to understand him better and was handling things poorly. 🙄 I finally figured out that he did what he did because of HIM, not me. As soon as I was out for the tiniest bit of time, I couldn’t believe I had stayed so long, and I felt as if I had come out from under some sort of fairytale spell! Lol

SORRY this is so long. Tl:dr = go go go!! Lol

I read this book back then and found it really helpful:

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=55856820437&hvadid=274690941339&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9026804&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t2&hvqmt=e&hvrand=13362815725935575986&hvtargid=kwd-302114484417&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1555296543&s=gateway&sr=8-1

In terms of Bible verses. Pro 3:5-6. Jer 29:11. Rom 8:28 and the one about how we are new creations in Christ.

I'm training to be a therapist and my gut tells me that the part where he became a pimp isn't the heaviest part of this for you. If it was I would expect your post to focus more on being obsessed with your career. It seems like your dad was so concerned with being able to provide for his family that he was willing to do anything to accomplish that and it eroded his morals. Since you talk about how important family is I imagine part of what is on your mind is the importance of providing for a family. In which case a Bible study about how God provides would be helpful.

>Whilst their marriage lasted 18 years, most of those years were unhappy for both of them. They both drank heavily and fought nightly. There was never any physical violence but the vitriol with which they yelled at each other made for a tense household. They also slept in separated rooms for much of their marriage.

I may be wrong, but I think this may be the bigger part that has created your fear of commitment. What you saw doesn't reflect what you want in a marriage. In this area I find psychological research more helpful because it gives examples of how to live out what are usually Biblical principles.

This book is frequently recommended https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Gottman+marriage&qid=1549639067&s=Books&sr=1-1

I read that as well as Intimacy & Desire a few years ago, so my memory may be a little rusty.

There is a fair bit of overlap (same author) but PM was much more focused on sex than I&D.

I didn't find PM was that useful because I felt that there was almost a presupposition that both partners wanted sex, they just had an emotional disconnect. PM was about overcoming that emotional disconnect and using sex as a bonding experience. Useful for some maybe, but not when your partner is put off by anything related to sex.

Codependency

I&D found much more applicable to my situation, for one key insight:

If both partners find validation in love from their partner, then the relationship can't be sustained. At some point compromises have to be made. When that happens the compromising partner feels that they are unloved by the other. If both partners do this, then a disconnect & distance inevitably arises. Paradoxically, to feel loved by your partner then you have to not need to feel loved by your partner.


My Gottman Soapbox

Personally, I found both Schnarch books far more useful than anything by the ubiquitous Gottman though. Gottman may be great at observing couples and describing behaviours, but:

• there is almost nothing in his books that deals with underlying emotional issues;
  
• I felt that all of his advice was only useful for couples like my parents, who are already in a mediocre/good marriage but both partners want to make it better. If you're already in a marriage that is on the rocks then dealing with outward behaviours and not the underlying emotional issues that cause(d) resentments/distance in the first place is just a bandaid (and if there's anything I've learned in /r/deadbedrooms, it's that by the time people post their relationships are almost always already in major trouble)

I can't speak from experience but The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work was a great read

What about this one about making a marriage work: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553447718/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1459301040&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=marriage+books&dpPl=1&dpID=51Nkqvbb07L&ref=plSrch

Or this one about finances: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1615215611/ref=mp_s_a_1_9?qid=1459301307&sr=8-9&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=marriage+books+finances

(Sorry I'm on mobile and can't remember how to link words).

Not a therapist recommendation, but I strongly suggest Dr John Gottman's book. This American Life had a good intro to his work. Basically, his team decided to treat marriage like a natural phenomenon and take a statistical data-based look at what predicts failure or success of a marriage. The results run counter to a lot of common wisdom about relationships.

Read those books that he listed, that stuff will change your life. The more knowledge you can acquire about communication will make you much more confident when you interact with others.
This is another good book to read

https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X/ref=pd_sim_14_9?ie=UTF8&dpID=416%2Bj70DDLL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR108%2C160_&psc=1&refRID=B5BWBQ0PJ5JE9YZ3X83Z

Shoot me a pm if you can't afford those books.

Not sure if you're being facetious but if not check out YouTube...there are countless videos on small talk, eye contact, being more charismatic, etc. I like this guy's videos although he has a lot more stuff he charges for.

I also read this book which I thought was really helpful.

It's pretty stunning and frustrating to logical people like us that the most qualified in the workplace aren't typically the ones who get promoted and recognized. I've learned how important it is to have the "show" to match the "go". It's an unfortunate fact so may as well learn how to play the game.

As a quick general tip, I try to make conversation with random people browsing for the same stuff as me at the store, cashiers, people waiting in line at the checkout, etc. It's a risk free opportunity for practice.

Most important thing I've learned personally...smile and make eye contact. My eye contact was awful and I have had to work really hard on improving it but it makes an entire world of difference in how you are perceived and being able to connect with others.

Counseling is the right answer. As you put it in your title, emotional infidelity is still infidelity, and often times an emotional affair can be even more devastating to a relationship than a physical affair. Even if there was no sexual attraction or physical infidelity involved here, your husband still felt the need to confide in another woman, which of course means that there is some kind of block or problem in your relationship that's keeping him from sharing those feelings with you. Even if he's sorry right now, and is cutting off contact with this woman, ignoring those underlying problems is just going to lead to this happening again.

If his apology was heartfelt, he should be willing to admit that there is a problem here, and attend counseling with you. If he won't, go by yourself.

I would also recommend, for both of you, the book "Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass. It deals with emotional affairs in depth, and is aimed at both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse.

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

I was never officially diagnosed until my second attempt at u-grad, but my mom recognized ADHD was rampant in my dad's fam and did her best to explain reasoning to me, and to ask me to think things through. She used How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk to great success. I wasn't very old when I read it, and said "Hey Mom, why aren't you using X method?" =P

A couple of thoughts:

1. Quit telling her that she's doing a good job. Tell her instead "you're working hard at that." For a gifted toddler, their vision of what they want will never ever be as good as they can create. You want her to learn that it's about the process, not the product. You really want to avoid praising her for being "smart" (and having others do the same) when she starts school. Read Carol Dweck's work on growth mindset: https://www.mindsetworks.com/parents/default\
   
2. Figure out YOUR boundaries and then when you set them, be firm. Smart kids who can win arguments with you as toddlers NEED clear boundaries that you enforce no matter how hard they tantrum. Like typical 2-5 year olds, they're trying to figure out how the world works. If it works differently on different days or differently if they tantrum vs. not, then they are very unsettled and the unknown makes the world a scary place. I recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book: Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles. Stanley Greenspan's The Challenging Child also helped me a lot.
   
   1. If dad says no story until something is tidied away and she says "mum can read the book," then your reply is "You need to tidy that away before anyone reads to you." Let the ensuing tantrum happen (see below).
      
   2. For the light example, I'd say "you're right, that one doesn't hurt. What's the difference? Can you always tell the difference? That's why we have to be careful." Not everyone bit of her "defiance" is true defiance. She's trying to figure out the boundaries of her world. She's two and so she's still very very literal. (When my son was two, I told him that all cars had exhaust pipes. He had to check each car we saw for the next week.)
      
3. Give up trying to avoid distress. Instead focus on helping her cope with her distress. I, too, have a super bright, emotionally intense daughter who's now beyond early childhood. She feels deeply, she's easily frustrated, and she has experienced more negative emotions than many other children. I don't want her to feel less, because that's part of who she is. She feels passionately about social justice and is now finally in a position to begin to work with organizations to effect this change.
   
4. Teach your daughter (a) that negative emotions can be withstood and (b) they are not the end of the world. You have to figure out what helps her when she's in distress. For one of my kids, I needed to back off and leave him alone because ANYTHING I did overstimulated him. When he calmed down on his own, we could cuddle and talk. For another, I need to be there to help her calm down (even now as a teen). I would lay down with her on the bed and hum very softly while she sobbed. For helping kids recognize emotions and deal with them, I recommend Dan Siegel's work: The Whole Brain Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber and Mazlish.

I read a great book called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" and I've been following that advice to the best of my abilities and building the kind of relationship where I think my kid would tell me these things. These things take years, and have to be two-way relationships. I never interrogate my kid or pepper her with questions, but when we spend time together I often get long, involved stories about things.

Just today someone recommended a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (amazon: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889)
And from what I can tell from its marketing blurb, it looks like empathy is at the core of their advice. I intend to purchase it and read it soon.

How about The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Focuses on the Collaborative Problem Solving approach (see also www.thinkkids.org), which views temper tantrums as a delay in the development of emotion regulation skills and works on building those skills. Jed Baker's No More Meltdowns is another great option with some similar ideas.

For general parenting -- including dealing with tantrums -- I love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Dawson and Guare's Smart But Scattered helps with executive functioning skills-development of all types (emotional regulation is an executive function; others include things like organization and planning).

Oh, and I haven't made it all the way through it yet, but The Whole Brain Child has some good ideas on how to talk about distress tolerance with kids, e.g., "surfing the emotional waves."

Yes, all the time. My kids are 1 and 3. This book was good and helped me: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889/ref=sxl1?qid=1463775586&sr=1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65

In addition to all these wonderful suggestions, I'd like to recommend a book.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1408849554&robot_redir=1

Most libraries have a copy. I am not a big parenting book person, but this book has a lot of good suggestions in it.

Oh man - I get that. I wouldn't ever imply that I have to go through what my partner would have to go through physically in order to have a child. We've also both have had women in our immediate families have pregnancy troubles - it's a very scary possibility for us.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that when people say "we're pregnant" they're trying to imply they both have children growing in their individual womb. That seems like an equivocation / literalist approach which seems to be the complaint people have. I think it means "we have an unborn child together that we intend to bring into the world as a couple."

I also get that a philosophy we're trying in order to maintain a happy relationship isn't necessarily for everyone. It's a fallacy to think that what applies to me automatically applies to everyone else.

It's a common trend on Reddit that if you say something then it means you're applying those feelings to everyone; which I'm not. We've found happiness in trying to grow together. That doesn't mean we don't value our independence or autonomy. It just means that we try to evaluate our issues in the context of being "together" rather than being two separate entities. And it's helped us become less defensive and more communicative.

We both read this and it helped us reorient a bit and focus more on what it means to be a couple.

First off, the fact that you are asking this question here shows me that your kid is going to be fine. It shows great awareness. That is awesome.
I can related a little because i grew up lower-middle class to uneducated parents but have gotten lucky breaks here and there which have helped me moved up in the world. As with your situation, I had to work a bit harder as I wasn't taught things that are normally taught in educated households. Don't think for once that a lot of money is necessary to raise a great kid. Your kid doesn't need extravagant gifts for xmas to know he/she is loved. Your time and attention matters so much more than material things - they will remember you doing arts and crafts and throwing a ball around more than you getting them the latest video game system.

The existence of the internet has greatly democratized things. There is so much information that is free to access that wasn't available for my parents.

My suggestions.

1. Read parenting books. Seriously, by just reading these books, you'll be a better parent than the more affluent, yet clueless parents that I know. There's so many topics to cover: nutrition, discipline, etc. Some of it might be very obvious, but it at least puts in all in the forefront of your mind. Some books:
   https://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Baby-Young-Child-ebook/dp/B00R5KWXU8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492457183&sr=8-1&keywords=american+pediatrics+baby
   
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492457006&sr=8-1&keywords=parenting+book
   
   https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing-ebook/dp/B004J4X32U/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1492457006&sr=8-3&keywords=parenting+book
   
   Also read books on personal finance, saving for college, taxes and so on. There are too many to name but I'm sure you'll find them all at the library. It'll be overwhelming but you need to do it all at once.
   One thing you've probably already realized is that raising a kid is ultimately a self improvement endeavor. You have to work on yourself and make yourself a better person in order for your kids to be better, directly and indirectly.
   
   
2. Talk to your kids all the time and be patient in answer questions. Talk to them in the manner you'd like to see them talk to your grand children when they become adults. By talking all the time to them, they will have a much better language skills.
   
   
3. Take them to the library as much as you can. It's something that my mom did all the time and it helped developed my curiosity.
   
   
4. Find them mentors. I grew up not really knowing any adults who were in skilled professions so my outlook starting college was limited - I didn't know what was out there. I didn't know what jobs paid well and so on. I know it's going to be more of a challenge because of the folks you are surrounded by, but you can do things like have them participate in team sports, after school activities, work friends, etc.

It took a few days, but I'm back.

Thanks for the detail. The style of the wording tells me a lot about where you are, so no apologies needed.

Earlier, even without this information, I sensed a fundamental goodness in your heartfelt desire for something better. With this note, you've given expression to that in the things that you want:

• the dignity of being a breadwinner,
  
• the self-respect of having a space of your own, and
  
• the joy of love.
  
  So, here are my thoughts. But first, a little background …
  
  At 24, like you, I found that some people seemed to have the capacity, confidence, and social skills to find meaningful work, to build a life, and to attract love, but I didn’t find that in myself. Even when an opportunity seemed to be going well for a while, a simple misreading of the reality of a situation (or a person’s words or gestures) could instantly sabotage me, depriving me of a fighting chance (it seemed) to get any traction at all on life.
  
  After some time, I began to sense that my "eternal optimism" was a bit misguided, that “maybe I’ll get it right next time” was more like the thinking of a gambler resolved to recoup his losses on the next throw of the dice, rather than part of an informed, systematic process for learning and consistently getting better and better at life.
  
  It took me decades to realize that everyone struggles, that I was lost in a distorted reality, seeing only the deepening chasm between what seemed like most peoples' "on track” lives and my own negative vision of myself. It was as if I could only see their “highlights” and my own “bloopers” but regarded both as equivalent realities.
  
  I finally discovered that “their” best was usually the result of good role models and good early training, and that such life skills could also be learned (by me!) later in life. In fact, those who figure it out later, rather than just acting on well-trained instincts, very quickly rise to meet a bar that had looked unattainable, and to move forward beyond with the advantage of understanding.
  
  I am writing this note to you, at this moment, because I happened to see your posting on r/all. It occurred to me that I could help another young man, like my past self, to zoom past the two lost decades it took me to get it right. I’m aware of how long this comment is becoming, but I would urge you to hang in there and not to scan. You’re half-way through!
  
  To get “there”, to a “life fully realized”, I would advise you to do three things, preceded by a “step 0" that will remove obstacles to doing those things:
  
  Step 0: Remove whatever obstacles to success that you can.
  See a physician for a checkup, just to make sure there’s no underlying physical causes of this mental slump. Mention that your life situation has caused you to slip into depression, that you have a plan for moving forward with your life, but it will require the motivation and the will of a healthy mind, and that you need a referral to a counselor to get you past the depression and stay on track, and that you’d also like some medication for depression while you traverse this process.
  
  (The medication that will work for you will be different than for others, and counselors vary in competence and and temperament. Just work through it, don’t judge yourself or the process, don't stay with what doesn't work, and don't give up. It probably won't be that hard. It will work. And most people feel that, once the depressed mind is on medication, it is the “real” them. If you can’t afford a counselor, the medication will help you get through to a better place where you can.)
  
  Step 0.5: Be discreet.
  Other than your physician and therapist, don’t tell anyone about such plans. That probably sounds strange, but I have discovered — and have also read that it is one of the great secrets of really accomplished and fulfilled men and women — that sharing with others your plans to make life-transforming changes has two downsides:
  (a) The input of others can be, at worst, a discouragement; and at best, a distraction from the laser-focus you’ll need to make it happen, and
  (b) sharing something that will impress others gives you a small moment of satisfaction that cools the burning passion that your goal-setting self will need in order to succeed. To keep the fire burning, keep it to yourself.
  
  The upshot of all this is that a little medical/ psychological help will get you past the things you can’t control and bring you into the realm of things you can choose to do to become very accomplished in all of those things that are important to you …
  
  Step 1: Get centered.
  Your regrets (of the past) and your worries (about the future) are experienced physically as tension and mentally as a brain unable to function with facility in a world where it doesn’t feel safe and fears what could happen if it lets down its guard.
  
  Meanwhile, your body is here in the present, where your mind functions best. To bring mind and body together all in the same place (the definition of “centering”) as the single powerful machine they are meant to be, try the one-minute centering exercise. This is a script that you can record and then play back while you do a one-minute meditation exercise with your eyes closed.
  
  You can do this exercise daily, if you wish. It will teach you new habits of responding to negative thoughts by moving to center. You’ll become much more comfortable in your own skin.
  
  Longer-term, it would be a great idea to make staying “centered” a bigger part of your life. Yoga or one of the martial arts are perfect for this. (I’m partial to Aikido.)
  
  Step 2: Turn outside of yourself.
  Human beings are wired to experience joy when serving others and to wither when they focus only on themselves. Consider scheduling a spot on a Saturday service project, like building something for Habitat for Humanity.
  
  It doesn't matter what the organization or project is; as long as you are focused outside of yourself on serving others, you cannot but experience the joy of that human connection.
  
  Make it a regular practice to join up with such special projects. And let it grown on you so that it becomes your habit to serve others under all conditions. The joy that you experience will come from focusing outside of yourself.
  
  It will also create in you a center of attraction such that others will want to be around you. This will happen once you develop habits of centering and of turning outward.
  
  Step 3: Learn the learnable social skills.
  You can learn specific skills that will improve your interactions with others and prevent you from making social blunders that undermine relationships. You can learn these from a book.
  
  You’ll experience the transformation you want in your relationships if you can
  (a) be patient enough to read a short chapter each week and then practice the skill during the week that follows, and
  (b) be persistent enough to read a new chapter (and to acquire a new skill) each week.
  
  (This may not seem possible right now. So wait to get the book until you’ve seen the doctor and gotten some medical help to get past the depression. From that new vantage, you’ll be able to summon up the motivation and patience and persistence you’ll need.)
  
  The book you want to start with (don’t let the cheesy title bother you, it’s gold inside): How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
  
  A second book teachers about relationships: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray.
  
  So there you have it. If you have questions or encounter complications along the way, feel free to PM me.
  
  It's a lot to take in all at once, but really not that much considering it will will provide you with a path to the life situation you want and will give you access to the life choices you want.
  
  Here’s wishing a noble man the best …
  

I think you're overthinking things. The genders are not that different. Maybe read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, but realize a lot of people are going to fall out of the stereotypes that are presented there.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

There's a book you should consider reading: http://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216

It sure sorted out me and my girlfriend's relationship, and we're still very happily together after 2.5 years.

> Alien sugar baby ... I'm part Martian/Human.

Troll, everyone knows women are from Venus, not Mars.

Some self-help or relationship best-sellers. Not because you are in a crisis and need it, but because it is the polar-opposite of what we science geeks normally read, and they never teach you that in school.

It gave me tons of new insight in the non-science areas of life, stuff I would never had thought of by myself, surprised as to why it's not included in the curriculum. Useful and highly recommendable! http://amzn.com/0060574216

(edit: an easy read, the book is about understanding the opposite sex, but since it applies to both sexes it will also teach you stuff about yourself)

The best: https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703

He says he has moved on, doesn’t miss her, and wants to just forget it even happened. Well, easy for him to say! When I made the comment that our marriage will never be what it used to be (in the beginning), he got upset.

​

This. He doesn't get to decide that. HE did this to you, it's not some personal embarassing thing he can just shrug off. It shook your relationship and your trust in him to its core.

It is a fact that your marriage will never be what it used to be!

Tell him that he needs to take responsibility!

Make him read the book https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703

and do couples counselling. Tell him this rather than asking, and tell him that if he refuses to do anything differently, you can only assume that he hasn't changed, ie he's still lying and expecting to get away with minimal work while you deal with reality. Which isn't good enough, or indeed your problem to take care of.

​

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, rooting for you!

There's a great book called After the Affair which helped me out in coping when I've had this happen to me in the past. It was recommended to me by my therapist and I'd highly recommend it as a way to understand what you're feeling and to help with healing.

http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703

This book should be referenced on the sidebar or something....It's a good book, you'll be able to relate to how things make you feel. Unfortunately it's written as men being the cheaters (because a large percentage of the time they are)...but the emotions are still the same. Good Luck.

That sounds so difficult. You are not alone. Many parents have found help with something called Plan B. Have you heard of it?


https://www.livesinthebalance.org/pycc-plan-b


https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451

If you try to remember, when he does something to hurt you or someone else, he's just acting out. Try your best not to get angry. As a bunch of other posters have said, give him a lot of love. Make him feel like you admire and love him. Keep him away from anymore unnecessary stress and try to make things happy and hopeful even if they aren't.

If you can turn things around now, he may not be permanently damaged. He probably won't even remember much of it. Also, this book is helpful.

Man. That's temptation on steroids, for an emotional affair at least. I can definitely understand the feelings, though my situation wasn't the same thing.

I found a lot of value in this book: Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It has a lot to say about boundaries and where the risky spots are, particularly around workplace infidelity and its aftermath.

Good luck. Don't let this thing run away with you.

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

I haven't read this one, but I hear it is good: https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

https://iamally.tumblr.com/ -- look particularly at gaslighting and see how it vibes. Also, beware of paltering - my husband's favorite form of lying... (truly his only form which is why I was so trusting of him - he never lied - or so I thought, but he's a master at paltering)

I highly recommend this book to help you sort out this complicated situation. It’s written for just this situation and includes advice on how to approach your spouse, and what you can reasonably expect of this situation. It’s geared toward both emotional affairs and also physical ones.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503?

Oh, all the girls my ex husband cheated on me with started as friends. Always trust your instincts when female friends are concerned. Unless you're the type that's automatically jealous of any female interaction, your instincts will warn you when something is not right.

And something is definitely not right here. Your BF may genuinely have no present intention of cheating at all. But he has poor boundaries. And this means that there is a high likelihood that things may get out of hand some day. He's on a slippery slope and he may not even realize when things have crossed the line until he's in way too deep for his own good.

Now is the time for a serious talk about boundaries. No need for accusations or blame. But he does need to be open to the discussion and not dismissive or defensive.

Boundaries are the absolute key to fidelity. It's great to have opposite sex friends if you have good boundaries. Your BF has some work to do in that regard.

Highly recommend that you check out the following books:

Not Just Friends - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

Boundaries in Relationships - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155874259X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372344185&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

You might find this book valuable:
https://www.amazon.ca/You-Me-Adult-D-D-Attention/dp/0981548709

If you have ADHD or even "adhd-like" tendencies then you will find it helpful.
It's going to be important that your partner holds you accountable in ways that are patient and understanding in order to avoid creating a shame/avoidance cycle.

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

I was recommended a book by my psych for this very topic

https://www.amazon.ca/You-Me-Adult-D-D-Attention/dp/0981548709

My wife has always known that I had had depression. Even when we were dating. I forewarned her of what that could entail and she told me she would help in any way she could.

I am for the most part functioning though. I have a half decent job, am handy with things so keep the house going. So Im still contributing, Im just a total slob and get sidetracked easily, amongst the many other things that are discussed here daily lol

If you want to understand your partner in a relationship and marriage, read Gina Pera's books, namely this one:

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981548709/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_F9NyybWDM71JE

If she still cares, this may help: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0981548709/

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/

Read: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.... I swear my life by this book.

For the parents: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418143809&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+to+kids+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk

I can't recommend this book enough. There is a reason why it is still a best seller. They also have a teen edition as well.


For the kids: http://www.amazon.com/Pout-Pout-Fish-Adventure/dp/0374360979/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418143839&sr=8-1&keywords=pout+pout+fish

There's lots of rhyming, with a cute story, and a good moral at the end. It's one of my favorites that many people don't know about.

You're absolutely right. I fight all the time with parents on "stranger danger". Even after citing statistics they can't wrap their head around how most child sexual abuse is usually someone the victim knows.

From wikipedia, "most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims". Strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases.

Offenders are more likely to be relatives or acquaintances of their victim than strangers. A 2006–2007 Idaho study of 430 cases found that 82% of juvenile sex offenders were known to the victims (acquaintances 46% or relatives 36%).

For parents who wish to learn what they can do to keep their child safe, I strongly recommend reading Gavin de Becker's book, Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane).

I think only you know grandma well enough to answer that. If you think she'd be receptive then I would, but if you don't think she'd be receptive then I think you need to be monitoring what goes on at grandma's house too. I would try not to be obvious about it-- at 12 your daughter won't want people checking up on her, and that will just make her want to break free and rebel.

I don't think I would ever put an ultimatum or anything on my daughter not seeing her brother, I would just spend the time working really hard with her on things like-- "trust your gut," "what are situations that are red flags?" "how do you know when you're in over your head?" "how to ask for help and not be embarrassed..." etc... so that it's not specifically about anyone in particular, but they are good life lessons. Always keeping that communication open.

I would also check out "The gift of Fear" (which I recommend to patients all the time). I haven't read the one aimed at kids, but I hear it's good too -- http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

No, not stereotype, fact. The vast majority of people that harm kids are men.

Source:

I mentioned elsewhere in this thread, but will post here again:

Gavin de Becker's Protecting the Gift.

Best book ever on the subject. Like instead of teaching children when they are lost to look for a policeman (which is uncommon for them to be around) ask a women a mom if they can for help.
https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

This book is amazing!

https://www.amazon.ca/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=nodl_

Not much more to add. Personally I binged on TV shows I hadn't seen; not sure that was the best move but yeah it did give me something to do, a bit of a passion to indulge. See I am a bit of a geek but through vagaries of having been in the army and other things, had missed out on a lot of TV. A relatively undemanding hobby helped me just tune out the world when that innner voice gets too busy.

Don't be afraid to call on your friends to get out the house for a drink (or whatever.) More than ever this is a time where if it all seems to be going to hell, you need to be with a good friend you can trust. You don't need them to be confessors or anything, just good company that you can call on who'll understand if you're not super chirpy.

I count it as a triumph that I'm still good friends with my ex, I think that's helped a lot. It sounds like you may have been in a similar situation to myself, a partner who didn't know how to communicate. You'll beat yourself up about it but realize it takes two to tango and there's only so much you can do. It may help to read a book about communication: this one gets a good rap. Not so much because you need to learn, just because that that's the way I personally work through things. Okay so I didn't do so great at that, how can I fix this? It's doing something positive.

All that worked for me, hope you find your way and bounce back :)

Read this book. Link

This book might seem an odd recommendation, because it is aimed at child psychology, but the fact is that most aspects of psychology cut across ages. It has useful lessons for communicating with anyone: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1451663889/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0
and it specifically addresses the issue of praise.

I really like 1-2-3 Magic for parenting younger kids. My son is 3 years-old and it has helped me so much with him.

It doesn't address parents who had bad parents, but it does give you solid strategies for parenting and gives good tips to avoid yelling or things like that.

I got this one.

https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

Yup. Worked for my strong willed daughter and my friends son.

I found the audiobook at my local library. 1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_-HqUDbG049VMY

Read leadership and self deception (https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Self-Deception-Getting-Out-Box/dp/1576759776)

> How many comments do you end up reviewing in a day?

There are two ways to read this - if you mean how many of the total content posted per day gets a mod's eyes on it, I'd say maybe 5-10% of the posts/comments per day (which I'm not supposed to share, sorry). Users are really good about reporting, so I don't see this as a weakness or something that can ever be reasonably increased.

If you mean how many reports we end up clearing a day.. I'd say more than 10, less than 100. If I had to split up our reports into "crap", "understandable but invalid", and "valid", it's about an even split between the three.

>Your sub is topic constrained?

Yes, by virtue of being a meta subreddit. If it's not:

• Political (read broadly and intuitively. The problem /r/politics has where their definitions of what's "political" are weird, it doesn't exist here. If you think a thing is political, it probably is)
  
• Objectionable (we let the votes decide this usually)
  
• On Reddit (easy)
  
• Notable (upvoted, gilded, etc)
  
  ..then it can't be posted there. We only have 11 rules, which is more like 9 since one is the same concept (don't brigade) split into incoming and outgoing, and one is a restating of the statewide policy on violence.
  
  >Is it relatively easy to figure out what is within the context and what is shit posting pretty quick?
  
  The title rules make shitposting (posts) infeasible for the most part. Top level content must be either a direct or archive link to something on reddit, it must include a direct quote from the content being linked to, and it must include a score. There's not much room for shenanigans there.
  
  There are shitposting comments, but barring organized brigades, these wind up downvoted and invisible relatively fast.
  
  >Recruiting mods and getting more people to wade through stuff is hard. WORSE when its politically charged because then the level of additional drama, doxxing and more puts capable people off of the role.
  
  That's true, but I have to thank the rest of the team (I think I'm the newest mod, added last year) for keeping a really great atmosphere in the discord. We treat it as a fun hobby, not a job, and I think that really helps when the inevitable drama starts.
  
  Doxxing is.. meh. I think precisely one of us uses a username here that we use elsewhere on the internet, and they're some kind of mad lad that literally doesn't give a fuck. There's the occasional reddit stalker, but it's nothing a gentle word of discouragement and judicious application of the block button (not to mention reporting them to the admins, which thankfully they've been good about dropping the hammer on) haven't been able to solve.
  
  >Plus as the mod team expands, the issue with connecting to the team and being consistent becomes harder - unless you have good solid rules and foundations in making sure people get the memo.
  
  Consistency goes back to the rules being mostly objective and minimizing the need for individual judgment calls. Every now and then there's something that slips through the cracks, and that's what the discord room we're all in is for.
  
  It's when you do stuff like "no low-effort posts" (what the fuck is a "low effort post?") or "no trolling" (determining intent over text, yay) that you get into trouble. I'd go so far as to say defining those two concepts over a large enough team to moderate millions of subscribers isn't just hard, it's literally impossible. Bad, disruptive conduct that doesn't raise to the level of breaking the sitewide or subreddit rules is best dealt with by comment voting, IMO. Trolling is one of those things where people "know it when they see it", and so it's safe to rely on the wisdom of the crowds.
  
  I also think that many subreddits don't even try to get enough mods. It's not like many have had an experiment where they add 20 mods to the team and then remove them all if it doesn't work out. They just sit there, with problems caused by lack of staffing, month after month after month, doing nothing, and then talk about how hard and stressful their job is as a result.
  
  >The defaults have some serious lifting going on behind the scenes from what I know.
  
  Not to name any names here or anything, but the one thing I hear often from very casual reddit users, even in real life, is that the site becomes a lot better once the defaults are unsubscribed.
  
  I think whatever they're doing doesn't work. Or at least, could work a lot better, but there's this ingrained, us-vs-them culture that prevents a lot of positive change from taking place. Mods on this site, generally, see users as an annoyance to be managed, like they're tramping around this well-manicured garden, rather than seeing them as co-participants in a community that sometimes make human mistakes. They're "in the box" towards their users.

Wired for Love.

I do believe that BPDs can love deeply. For a long time I ruminated on this question, and I realized something that gave me peace. It was that in my prior relationships I didn't "love" them, I was only meeting my own needs to not be alone or unwanted, and in this I kept setting myself from heartbreak. I came to this conclusion after an IOP treatment, and reading A LOT of insightful information on neuroscience, narcissistic parents and child development. With the patience and love of my SO I now understand what it is to "love". To me, to love someone for who they are inside flaws and all, I want the very best for him and I treat him with respect instead of using him for my own needs and never considering his. I also had to learn boundaries, and making him my world is kinda weird.

I suggest reading a book called "Wired for Love"
and learning that it's okay to be alone (it was white-knuckling on the bathroom sobbing wanting to die kind of hard to learn but sooooo worth it. I have noticed that the BPs gain stability through experiencing their pain and learning to let the emotions wash through them.

Sorry for all over answer above but I do believe in you and that people with BPD can love immensely, deeply and passionately! And I hope that someday you find yourself really in love.

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820580/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oOL7AbSF7CY7Y

Sometimes it is not on you. Sometimes it is the other person's issues that cause the mess and you just have to deal with it.

Before you make your final decision, I highly suggest you read https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34

It is a fantastic read that will help you decide if the decision you are making is best for everyone long term.

There's a great book, [Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002JPGQ34/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_oloaCb7Y8ZBPK).

It looks at different types of issues in a marriage and whether or not they can typically be fixed if one puts in the effort, and whether people with that relationship issue were generally happy with their decision if they chose to leave or stay.

It's a different approach to the question, which I found very helpful.

Was in a somewhat similar place in my marriage. Found this book incredibly helpful:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B002JPGQ34/ref=sxts_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1523070651&sr=1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65

Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay.

Provides a very detailed look at some of the problems that arise in a marriage and how often that particular problem was likely to be salvageable or not.

• Difficult Conversations https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters-ebook/dp/B004CR6ALA/
  
  
• How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI/
  
  Ok neither are teaching books, but you know teaching and career is about relationships, and strong positive relationships need good communication. Both books go beyond simple tricks or tactics and have some solid foundational ideas. They sound like fluffy mushy books but I didn't find them to be so (I'm not into fluffy mushy stuff).

It sounds like you're on the right track. Kids need boundaries and logical consequences for misbehavior. Some of my favorite parenting books are:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively

Understanding Your Child's Temperament

These books can be pretty dry, but the information is very useful. If you google enough you can probably find the cliff's notes versions. Good luck!

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI

OMG thank you so much! I come from a family of six brothers, had my two sons, and helped raise my husband's two boys, who are ten years younger than my kids--from the time they were 4 and 7. I love boys. Totally love them.

First of all--bless your heart! That two-year age difference is brutal in the beginning, but it gets easier.

Secondly, since I never had daughters, I don't know how to compare raising boys with girls. And I'm feeling a little bit like this SNL skit with Emma Thompson, because we mothers of adults have a pretty selective memory.

But since you were sweet enough to ask, here are my five best pieces of advice, in no particular order:

1. Trust your gut and be kind to yourself. Your instincts are your best guide. Even so, you'll make a ton of mistakes. It's okay. Apologize if you have to, and then just forgive yourself. There's no one right way to do this, every kid is different, and we're all learning as we go.
   
2. Validate your kids, and let them figure out their solutions whenever you can. It's very liberating. So when they say, "I HATE my teacher!" instead of saying, "No you don't" or telling them what they should do to fix the problem, say "Wow. You sound really upset," and then stop. It's amazing what they'll tell you when you stop talking. If you ask questions and repeat back what you hear them say, they'll learn how to figure things out by themselves, which is the goal, right? Check out "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk." That book saved my life.
   
3. Have fun whenever you can. Tell jokes, play games, play pranks, even. Have adventures. The best thing about kids is that they give you permission to be goofy. My favorite memories with my kids are these things.
   
4. Be the home their friends can come to, where they're always welcome. You will never regret setting another plate, driving to pick up a buddy who doesn't have a ride, or saying "yes" to another overnight, at least not in the long run.
   
5. Tell your boys often that you love them, and tell them why. Tell them that their artwork makes you feel happy, that you loved seeing them be so gentle with the neighbor's cat, that you love knowing you can trust them to do the right thing, that you know it's hard to be a little brother, or a big brother, and you appreciate them.
   
   But most of all, be kind to yourself.

Keep your chin up, remember that it is a phase. It's always a phase.

If one thing isn't working, drop it and try another thing. That includes yelling, and the 'natural consequence' of removing toys.

Give this book a shot: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI
I have tried a couple of tricks from just the first few chapters where I acknowledge that my (nearly) 6 year old is really upset/frustrated/whatever and while it doesn't produce the miracle results that the book talks about it does seem to chill him out and defuse what might otherwise have gone awry.

Because you've got a 7mo in the house, you should try to get each parent to schedule a special day with your little hell-raiser. Maybe one day every couple of weeks you just focus on him where you go for a pancake breakfast, a walk in the park, fly a kite at the playground.

Focus. You can do this.

I think there's more to it than the lists posted here, but my boyfriend doesn't do any of the things listed. I'm finally in a happy relationship, although I don't know what the future holds or if he's The One. (I thought my ex-husband was The One so, my mileage varies.) Interestingly, many of the things on the lists in this post are things my mother does.......

When I was separated from my ex-husband I read a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and it helped me see that the relationship was not going to be saved.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_V7L4ybGY7WW94

Why are you staying? What is keeping you in the relationship? I recommend that you read the book Too good to leave too bad to stay: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

Well were you? Do you have screen addiction?

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_YsovDbJ9MC869

Did you recently have a baby? If so, you might be interested in this book: And Baby Makes Three. It's focus is on preserving your marriage before and after the shit hits the fan when baby comes along (and how do baby launch their poo so far in the first place?!).

A good friend of ours recommended this when we were pregnant with our first. The principles Gottman and his wife lay down in that book have been essential to keeping our marriage intact at times.

There's also, more generally speaking, Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I haven't read this one yet, but it's apparently a more in-depth and general treatment of the principles that have helped us from the And Baby Makes Three book.

You might consider picking up one of those and either reading it on your own and working to apply it yourself or, ideally, working through it with your spouse and see if putting their suggestions into practice can help. It's cheaper than professional counseling, at least, though I don't want to discourage you from going that route if you feel you need it.

Regardless, I'll remember you in my prayers!

I'm not sure if there would be a couples therapist who would do online counseling with two people in different locations. I don't think this issue is common enough for you to be able to find a therapist who advertises such a service. You maaaay be able to find an therapist who does therapy through video chat and ask if this would be possible, but it would take a willing therapist and a therapist with some tech know-how (able to use Google Hangouts or something else for 3-person video chat).

But yeah, as you're already aware, the distance is a big barrier. I'd second the suggestion another person made about both of you starting individual therapy in your own home locations to work out issues.

Another idea I'd suggest is for the both of you to buy this book, read it on your own, and discuss it regularly by phone or videochat: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Dy9hzbWSKC8WS

There are a ton of relationship books out there, but Gottman is one of the major authorities in the field of couples therapy. I used it a lot with my couples in therapy with good feedback.

Good luck and hope you're able to work out the best decision that works for you both.

> Spouses who try to be friends are the ones who end up falling out of love

If you're interested in seeing some research in this area, this is a good book. The author is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington who studied something like 700 marriages to try and figure out what makes marriages "work". The marriages with the least amount of divorce and the highest satisfaction had a great friendship at the center of it all. So - keeping up a friendship is very important!

Also, when it comes to love - love is an action, not a feeling. I love my spouse, so I serve her - I prove my love by what I do, not what I feel. Feelings come and go but my ability to make a choice to put her first and put her needs above mine remain.

Correct -- I read through that slide and immediately recognized it from his book. Not really worthy of criticism in this case.

I cannot recommend marriage counseling enough. Both my husband and I emotionally cheated. He told his ex that he loved her, vented to her when we had fights, and went to her house to talk. I started talking to my kind-of ex (never had a real relationship but we definitely had feelings... he was going through a divorce and decided to give his marriage one last try, and then I got back together with my boyfriend and then we got married) out of spite and we went back to being friends that used to talk and laugh all day long over chat. We never talked about feelings for each other or did anything physical, but I definitely had the emotional connection with him that was missing with my husband.

The worst part was this happened after we started marriage counseling. I already felt like he was too chatty and friendly with his ex when marriage counseling started. It was week after week of rough sessions. We had a lot of baggage to get through. And there were times when we would leave and I would question if we would ever be okay again.

But here we are over a year later, coming up on a year and a half, of when I cut off all communication with him. The thing with my kind-of ex was, we had this chemistry and we talked and laughed constantly, and it had been a long time since it felt like my husband enjoyed my company like that. That sucks. So focus on trying to re-establish that connection. You married your husband because he is the love of your life. He is the one you should want to talk to all day. He's the one you should want to make laugh. He's the ONLY person you should miss if you were apart for days or weeks at a time. If you find yourself missing another man like that, you two are too close and it needs to end. That was my wake-up call... realizing I would miss talking to him every day. And realizing I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to my husband. Because I would share things like memes or stuff on Reddit/Imgur with my husband and he wouldn't laugh or respond much to it and seemed bored with me a lot, but this other guy would laugh and let it spark a 20 minute conversation. My husband didn't want to engage in those conversations with me. And there were plenty of things I was the same with... just not interested in creating a conversation out of a topic.

Now we're to the point that even though I'm not a gamer and I have never played Metroid, I can watch my husband speedrun the game and ask him questions about it, or listen to him explain strategies, or sit by him and watch someone else stream the game, and I enjoy the conversations and I enjoy that he wants to share it with me. While it may not be an interest of mine, I recognize that it's something that helps him decompress after a rough day at work and it's a challenge he enjoys, and that's enough for me to try and engage in those conversations.

Our marriage counselor used a lot of methods by John Gottman. Gottman has done some really cool research on marriages and I love reading content from them. There was an article on the marriage retreats they do... and this paraphrasing will probably be awful but I'll try my best. So these couples would come to a marriage retreat. Let's say you have one healthy couple and one struggling couple. The husband might point to a pretty bird in a tree or something, and in the healthy couple, the wife would engage and look for the bird, acknowledge it, and discuss it. In the unhealthy couple, the wife wouldn't look up and would just act bored with him and dismiss his interest. THAT was a huge area we were struggling in, and THAT is why I think we both emotionally cheated. Things have been much better since we actively try to engage in each other's interests more.

I highly recommend Gottman's stuff.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_ShEKzbPDTBDZD

Also check out The Gottman Institute. I think they have a Facebook page with that name.

Have you read anything by John Gottman? His research on which marriages last and which end in divorce is pretty solid. He is able to identify specific behaviors which, if done often over time, lead to divorce.

This book sums up the core of his findings, and will give you (and your fiance) concrete tools to determine if you have a solid foundation with each other. It might provide you with a more objective lens with which to view your relationship.

Thank you for the compliments :).

The best way, I've found, to be assertive is to figure out your values in life. What do you value? What's important to you? From there you can figure out what you will and won't accept. Big picture to small details. From there on you can be assured that you can give people what they want whilst getting what you want in return. A win-win!

For example; one of my values is, and the most important one too, is that my self development and growth are top. It will always come first. The next step, the boundary step, then was what behaviour will I not tolerate from others. Here they are:

• You must support my growth as a person, objections are fine, support is mandatory.
  
• Do not attempt to change me into something/someone I do not want to be. And,
  
• I refuse to try/do/believe things that will not enhance my development/quality of life or has beneficial outcomes over time.
  
  From there it's a matter of learning proper assertion skills. I highly recommend People Skills by Robert Bolton. This is helped me immeasurably. Check it out! --> People Skills.
  
  I hope this helps you figure out your boundaries.

Excellent advice. It took me some time to figure these and other things out. I have since read a lot about communication, as it is so essential and was the source of so much conflict.

I highly recommend the books "Radical Collaboration" and "People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts". They are fantastic for understanding how to communicate effectively and prevent/avoid stupid arguments.

True. My brother, sister and I were raised by a narcissist mother and all of us had very abusive partners for a long time until we all got therapy.

https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

This book was like reading my biography and helped me unlearn all the shit that I was taught by our parent.

> If I randomly made friends with some guy, and never talked much about him... he would be PISSED. Like, he would think I was cheating - especially if I asked him to leave the room and stuff. So that's why I think I'm being 100% rational. He wouldn't deal with this, so why should I? I feel like he doesn't hold me to the same standards he holds himself.

You hit the nail on the head. Furthermore, check out a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The chances that your husband is cheating on you emotionally are high.

The real question is what are you going to do about it? If I were you, mandatory counseling and if he says no, filing for divorce. This is a serious matter that will continue to cause you pain and frustration until he gets his head out of his ass. He may never get his head out of his ass and treat you the way you deserve to be treated! The only person whose actions you can control is your own. If he won't talk, won't work on your marriage, won't get counseling, won't stop having inappropriate messages with other women late at night, then you have to decide what you're willing to put up with for the rest of your life and walk if what this man has to offer isn't it.

I've been cheated on, found out on my own, gave my wife a second (and third...) chance and have regretted it. I doubt my wife has ended her affair(s) and am just waiting for the next discovery to do what I should have done the first time.

That being said, here are some things I suggest doing:

0) Both you and your boyfriend should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It deals with these things much better than any redditor (probably).

1. Be completely honest about the situation and any others. Bring them to light yourself. Were there any other guys? Give as much informative detail as possible (barring things like sexual positions). You said it was off and on, so let him know when it was off and when it was on. Right now he's trying to put the pieces of his life back together, trying to figure out the timeline of events. Every thing you two have done will be filtered through this "What was she doing with him at that time?" train of thought. The more you disclose about what you did and when, the less questions he will hopefully have about what you are doing now that you say it's over.
   
   Also, if he agrees to stay with you then you can count on anything you had tried to hide being found out. Better to risk hurting him now and showing your honesty than to keep it covered until he finds out and thinks you're still cheating on him. Trust me, he will find out your secrets. The kind of jealousy you have instilled in him breeds fervent ingenuity.
   
   
2. From now on, be completely transparent with him with your daily activities, especially if you two remain living together. Those 5 extra minutes it takes for you to get home because of traffic? Five minutes he thinks you're using to sneak out with this guy or someone else. If you're going out somewhere without him (which I highly recommend against), let him know where you're going, at what time, who you're going with, and what you're doing there. Every time you leave the house without him, his first thought will always be that you're meeting up with the guy you cheated on him with. But the more you tell him about what you're leaving the house to do, the more rational thoughts he has to strike that voice down. Make sure he knows your friends. Introduce him to them. Expect every guy to be considered as a potential affair partner and every girl to be a secret keeper/accomplice.
   
   Keep proof of where you went, like dated receipts or credit card charges. Proving that you're not doing something is damn near impossible, but proving that you were doing something else entirely (and therefore incapable of cheating at that time) is much easier.
   
   
3. EXPLICITLY end all contact with the guy you had an affair with, and include your boyfriend in the process. If it's through email/letter, have your boyfriend there when you write it. If it's a phone call, let your boyfriend listen in. Inform you boyfriend of any replies (though I would be against replying back to him after saying it's over), as well as any time he tries to make contact with you after it's ended. Feel threatened by your affair partner? File a restraining order and put your boyfriend's name on it too.
   
   
4. Don't hide shit. Don't keep secrets, even if it's little things. He'll be rigorously looking for signs from you that you're hiding things, with the assumption being that the things you're hiding involve a continuing or another affair. If you two stay together you need to open up to your boyfriend as much as you can, much more than you did before the affair started. If you require separate, personal space in a relationship then you're best finding someone else to be with. Any push for independence is like pushing your boyfriend away and will be considered in parallel to the fact that you were willing to go behind his back for 3 years anyway.
   
   
   Is it possible to forgive something like this? If your boyfriend is a saint. Forgiveness takes a hell of a long time, much more than just deciding to remain together I'll say.
   
   Can your relationship be saved? Odds are slim but still possible. Is it worth the effort? Probably not. Everything I've suggested is from a marital standpoint, in situations where people have usually invested a whole lot more than what goes into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I don't know if the things I've suggested will work since my wife didn't do any of these, but they are things I definitely would have wanted her to do, and would have made things a lot easier.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=nodl_

Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542909721&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&dpPl=1&dpID=51fK34oGboL&ref=plSrch

Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542909765&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trapped+in+the+mirror&dpPl=1&dpID=41A0QuC3bWL&ref=plSrch

Sorry it's not so clear but great that you're aware of things though. There certainly is a lot of information around these days to help.
A couple good books that I stumbled on:
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611

I found both of those at the local library too so might just do that. (There are others as well and probably mentioned on this reddit somewhere, but those are not a bad start)

Obviously I can't make any absolute claims, but it really sounds like your mother is a classic narcissist – in the clinical sense... at least what you're going through reminds me quite a bit of what I've seen myself (I grew up with a narcissistic mother and grandmother).

Here are some quick links I found that seem to describe it well:

http://www.narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinMedia/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissisticpare.html

http://idiotsguides.com/static/quickguides/selfhelp/coping_with_a_narcissistic_parent_or_sibling.html

http://www.lightshouse.org/the-narcissistic-parent.html

http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/is-this-your-mom/



I got a lot out of the following books:

http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285/

but there are other, better rated ones on Amazon, so go take a look if you start resonating with it all.

If you do decide that your mom fits the narcissistic pattern – first, know you're not alone. Really, I promise, you're not alone. Second, it gets better – get out of the house as much as possible – get involved in school activities, anything you can to get out.

Regardless, when college comes around – that's your break. Trust me, it gets better.

But you have to put work into it – you need to be mindful of setting boundaries with your mom as you become independent. It's going to be hard at times and she will make you feel bad when you push back – but you clearly have good instincts, so trust them about what feels right and wrong.

edit: link formatting

Pick up a copy of Not Just Friends and read it. The thing is, she is completely right. And if others are independently calling you and your coworker work spouses, you're meeting up outside of work, texting, etc., you two have already crossed boundaries whether you want to admit to it or not. If you hadn't, your wife wouldn't be upset, especially since she's normally not around other female friendships. Affairs are insidious. The majority of people in them do not set out to have an affair. And they typically follow this trajectory. Take some time to learn how they develop, and cut things off with this work friend. You need to protect your marriage.

Buy her this book. She needs to find a new job.

Trickle truth is what my wife did to me. It took 2 months, and me pretending to be her talking to the guy to get the full truth. Here is the book that helped me a lot.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?keywords=just+friends&qid=1572357096&sr=8-12

You know it almost came to that several times in our relationship. We are together four years as of March. I wish I would have discovered this book a long time ago: I highly recommend reading it so you have the tools to be successful in your future relationships: http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

Off the bat, having read your other post, as a man who was not diagnosed until my early 30s, my instinct is to try to reach out to your partner and tell him to run far, far away. I don't think you have the first clue how his brain works or how much (or little) of what he does that is driving you away is voluntary. Your post made me hurt inside because I've been with a partner like that who made me feel absolutely awful about myself for years to the point my personality was unrecognizable to friends and family who had known me the longest.

However, you say that you want to help, and so taking you at your word I'm going to give you a resource to read as a starting point. The book "Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD" by Gina Pera (Amazon link included) is aimed at the partners of ADHD adults, and offers both explanations of many common issues that arise in ADHD relationships, along with many real-world examples from various couples, and guidance about the help available for both partners in the relationship. If you're going to look one place as a starting point for deciding whether or not you have the will to make this work, I'd go there.

I wish both of you the best as you deal with this. Please, though, do deal with it in some way and don't just let this simmer and ruin more years of your lives. I promise you he's suffering as much as you are here even if he's ashamed to show it.

I encourage you to read the book Is it you, me, or adult ADD. The book is spot on and written for spouses of people with ADHD.

First, know that what your girlfriend is feeling and expressing to you is valid. What she is saying is extremely normal for a neurotypical person to say. Much of our ADHD behavior comes off as being rude or careless.

If I can guess, since you are about 6 months in, she's probably dealing with you becoming more distant. In the beginning, people with ADHD can overload a partner with love and romance and emotions. But then it dwindles. We get bored of it. We aren't bored of the person, but we are bored of the whole humdrum of romancing someone. So to the other person we seem detached or like we don't care anymore. This is usually the moment where relationships start having problems.

I kept having relationships with guys who seemed to suddenly, at about 4-6 months in, just not like me anymore. They'd start complaining about my behavior in ways they never did before. Suddenly I'm too messy. Or too loud. Or too chaotic. So, I'd end the relationship. I'd say "well you just don't like me anymore I guess."

So. There's a lot to unpack in your post. I'm going to try to break it up into easy bullets:

1.) If your girlfriend expects you to remember something important, she needs to see you write it down, put it in a calendar, etc. None of this "hey can you do the dishes later". You will say yes probably without even hearing her. She needs to tell you important things in a way that might seem condescending, but it's just how our brains work. What does she want you to do? When does she want you to do it? How does she want you to do it?

2.) The honesty thing is probably her offended that you say whatever is on your mind. This is on her to tackle IN THE MOMENT. As soon as you say something she thinks is "too honest" she has to say so and you need to talk about it. I'm terrible at stopping my impulse to say things and I often end up criticizing my boyfriend without meaning to. One time me loudly complaining "OMG THERES WAY TOO MANY ONIONS IN THIS" turned into a fight that almost ended our relationship. And tbh there weren't that many onions. I just got a lot of onions in a bite and my brain was like "say this thing and make your partner feel bad!!" Again, this is something that has to be dealt with as it happens. It's no use bringing it up later because you'll be like "I never said that." And she will want to slap you.

3.) Your intentions don't really matter. Maybe you don't intend to be mean or disrespectful but the fact is, to HER you are being mean. And neurotypical people would file that info away and not do that thing next time. With ADHD we might store that info but we don't use it when we need it. We keep doing it. And to our partners that seems careless. SO you need to figure out a solution. Maybe it's a look in public or a touch on your shoulder. Your girlfriend is probably way more aware of how you appear to others in social situations than you do. Use her normal brain to your advantage.

4.) Instead of just saying "sorry it's the ADHD, can't do anything about it until I get a dosage increase", try something like this: "Sorry, that was rude of me (or inconsiderate, whatever). The ADHD makes it difficult for me to [whatever behavior] but I am working on improving that. Can you help me figure out a way to stop doing that in the future?"

Also, SHE needs to 1) accept that you have ADHD and that your diagnosis is valid and 2) accept that you are not your diagnosis and know how ADHD affects behavior by reading books or videos, etc.

There are people who definitely do use ADHD as an excuse for shitty behavior. Me having ADHD doesn't give me the right to continue to say rude things to my boyfriend. But the success of your relationship will rely on both of you understanding how the ADHD affects you, her, and the relationship. Is it worth all that work? That's for you to decide. I personally see my partner as a HUGE help in my life. But it took a long time for him to understand me and my ADHD.

Some books that are helpful:

Is it you me or adult add

Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD

AND if you still have difficulties, a therapist who has experience with adult ADHD and relationships will be a god send. Good luck!!

Great book on the subject of ADHD and relations:

https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

It will be able to answer all your questions in way more detail than our responses ever could.

I am not the OP but here are two books that I got for my SO to help her in understanding and dealing with someone who has ADHD. They were an immense help and I personally found them oddly refreshing to read... it's nice to see and know that there are others out there who share the exact same issues, and even more importantly that there are others who understand.

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-But-Stuck-Emotions-Adults/dp/111827928X

http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

It would probably more helpful for her to be asking the questions if she's willing to be helpful. Complaining is not going to be a successful strategy for her. She needs to help set up the household in a way that
is helpful.

http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386

http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

Like others have said. It isn't his ADHD which is driving you away. He MAY not be on the right medication due to his continued abuse of drugs. Often when properly medicated the brain doesn't need to seek the stimulation in drugs/alcohol.

I suggest you read the book Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD by Gina Pera. She also has a blog adhdrollercoaster.org.

Here are some past threads on ADHD relationships which you also might find some advice.

• http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/16kzfg/what_should_i_know_to_date_a_guy_with_adhd/
  
• http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/15t3yf/does_anyone_else_find_adhd_has_effected/
  
• http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/17itl1/living_with_my_addadhd_boyfriend_is_killing_me/
  
  
• http://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1csekm/frustrated_spouse_of_an_adhder_and_really_needing/
  
  If you find he is using ADHD as an excuse not to change, that is not acceptable. People with ADHD can change their habits it just takes a lot of work (and support). It also takes longer than others. But both partners will have to make an effort. Sadly, leaving him might be the best decision for making you and your child happy and safe. But I hope it does work out for you!
  
  

NTA. I'm probably about six hours late to this game, but I desperately want to present an alternative response to the highly-rated "he's the worst and most selfish person ever and it's simply because he doesn't care enough" responses. To be honest, as disrespectful as being insanely late can be, chalking it up to someone you don't know being selfish and uncaring doesn't do anything to help, as good as that sense of righteousness can feel and as bad as being on the other end of that can be.

First off, he's lucky that he has a partner who sounds as understanding and willing to help as you are. Major credit there. I hope that you've been able to talk as a couple about why you felt you had to lie about the start time and that you care about him and want to help him with this.

^((Caveat here: not saying your boyfriend has ADHD, but time management is a very common skill folks with ADHD struggle with, and so I feel it's highly relevant all the same.))

In the ADHD world, we talk about executive function and incentive structures a lot––a common struggle has to do with how well does your brain naturally forms frameworks around your daily practices. Not having an accurate sense of time/chronic lateness is a huge indicator of larger struggles with these issues, particularly response inhibition. This is especially true about large, abstract projects with an unclear immediate reward. Compare:

"I am going to brunch and have to get ready before that." A great example of what a lack of framework can engender: there aren't clear tasks, nor a clear timeframe.

"I want to shower (15min), shave (10min) get dressed (10min) before leaving at 12:45pm. Because of this, I need to get out of bed at 12:10pm at the latest to make it out the door on time." Much more specific and incremental. Helping him break down his tasks and gently reminding him externally of what time it is could be a productive outlet as a partner. My boyfriend often needs to gently take YouTube out of my hands at 11pm in bed, and I appreciate the external structure there.

Before folks start saying how you're his girlfriend and not his mother, people simply find certain things more difficult than others. With the right support and external structures, you can help him develop new coping mechanisms so he can better help himself in the future. If you're interested in some further reading, I highly recommend Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?, which does a great job of presenting things like time management as a couple in a really productive and clear way, regardless of ADHD diagnosis. That said, shame is a helluva drug, and it goes hand-in-hand with pride––he may not be in a place to admit the issue or accept your help. His initial response sounds stressful for you and needing to reassure him that he can know all your passwords wouldn't be necessary. What certainly won't help here is more shame. I just hope for his sake and yours that he's ready to hear you and put in the hard work. Good luck!

If you want some practical advice for dealing with your daughter, I recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/

No-Drama Discipline, Raising Human Beings and How to talk so kids will listen are three feet away on my bookshelf right now. These were absolutely vital to me as a new parent.

3 was the worst...the worst. One parent told me "They tell you about the terrible twos, but nobody talks about the F***-you threes."
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk was a lifesaver for us, as was the attitude of "I just work here" when applying the rules. Sorry buddy, that's the rules. No arguing or screaming. Only one tantruming child at a time, please (I would say to myself while doing my birth breathing to keep from screaming in a very un-pediatricianlike manner). It also helped to verbally vent "Stop acting like such a three-year-old!" because it reminded me that he was...well, three.
I would say we considered selling him to Gypsies for about 4 months, then seemingly overnight, magically, he internalized our rules (which had never changed and were always consistently enforced) and became fantastic again. I would hear him put his toys in time-out while he was playing and instead of angry harsh "You're bad! You're in time-out! I don't want to play with you!" to his dinosaur or whatever it transitioned into "You made a sad choice and you are in time out. I will come back when you are calm." I loved hearing him echo our improved self-control and patience. Hang in there. 3 sucks, but 4 is pretty awesome.

Three comments from the perspective as someone with ADHD and as a parent:

1. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk will probably be a good read for you. My parents barked orders at me constantly for 18 years and I didn't want to do that to my children. This book is full of strategies for communicating with your children while maintaining discipline and respect between both parties. It's a great read.
   
   
2. My parents didn't provide the level of emotional support I really needed growing up. Granted I was very hyperactive and defiant and that probably tired my parents out quickly but they were more concerned with me doing exactly what they asked from me than they were concerned about how I felt at any given moment.
   
   
3. The thing about your ex-husband sounds frustrating. I think if you do #s 1 and 2 above your son will begin to see you as a resource rather than an obstacle and may very well buy into your/his routine and management plan even when he's at his Dad's place.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Nx5DAbHSMFV2J
Despite the title, this book really offers some widely applicable advice on effective listening. It's also written for busy people, so it's an easy read. Get past the title, and you've got a really practical book that's good in a number of different circumstances.

Trust is a two way street. If you don't trust her, she won't trust you. I suggest reading some books to help you learn how to listen to and talk to your daughter. It sounds like there is a pretty big communication breakdown.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

This is also available on audio if you have long commutes. Try to get her to educate herself on how to spot toxic people.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310210844/ref=mp_s_a_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1495213388&sr=8-10&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=toxic+people

Also try to get her to educate herself on what to look for in a lifetime partner.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440215757/ref=mp_s_a_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1495213453&sr=8-1-spell&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=are+younthe+one+for+me

We aren't born with the knowledge of how to have healthy relationships with healthy people and we have to make mistakes to figure it all out. The best thing you can do for your daughter is give her the knowledge needed to navigate this cruel world. It's up to her to apply that knowledge. Good luck!

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - wonderful book that I think you will find useful in dealing with 3-8 year olds ( and older children of course).

Screamfree parenting taught me to...well, not scream so much. It shows that you have to let go of trying to controlling the kid and try to actually focus on yourself, your behaviours and your responses. It was groundbreaking for me.

It took me almost a lifetime to get this down.

This book helped me more than anything, and everyone I told about it said it changed their lives. Don't get caught up on the "kids" thing. It works for adults too.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

I came here to cautiously recommend therapy. My recommendation caused strain on our relationship. It turns out guys don't want you to send constant emails about every therapist within 20 miles who sees kids... If they go to therapy and you're privy to the info, read up on the diagnosis to see how you can help them thrive! I'd also spend less time parenting and more time reading up on step/parenting. Terrible twos often bleed into the threes. Reading was incredibly therapeutic for me.

Stepmonster - popular here, I'm a fan
Single Girl's Guide - never read, well reviewed
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
The Whole-Brain Child
Subtle Art - best book ever

I think it depends on the child.

If you have time to read, I think the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk has some helpful advice on engaging cooperation.

I had similar issues with my kiddo. This book was pretty helpful :

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_XUlKub1JTMGBQ

He might be advanced! I do know that at around 5-6 years of age it is very normal for kids to lie. A psychiatrist told me that it is a stage of development where they realize that their experience is different from your experience, and that things can happen without you knowing. They experiment with telling you the wrong thing about what happened and see if it works. Some kids lose interest - others experiment with it a little longer...

My daughter was 7 when she went through this, but she nearly drove us crazy. She stole things and would be SO insistent in her lies! Once I only got her to break by telling her she had been seen by the security camera. I started to worry I was raising an axe murderer. These days she is almost a teen and is one of the sweetest & most genuine kids I know - we get this feedback from all her teachers, too, so I know it isn't just our perspective.

One thing I really recommend is that you keep calm. You aren't raising a criminal. Four-year-olds don't start fires for the same reasons that 14-year-olds do. He was curious, and then he knew he had done something wrong. That's a great sign, actually. He sat down and awaited his punishment - imagine how sweet this scenario would be if he had, say, broken a glass, and then did the same thing.

It also sounds (with your clarification) like you have a lot of time with him, and this isn't about his life changing recently...

It's probably just a stage.

I can't tell you how many times I have thought I had failed as a parent because of something my kids had done, and the next week it was over. Keep calm, keep loving him. And keep looking for effective punishments - between my two kids, what has worked for them has changed frequently & has been different for each kid. So I can't tell you much about that except to not give up.

The only parenting book that really helped me, and changed my interactions with all kids - was this one. Read it!! It is amazing! I went from a lecturing, nagging mom to one whose kids listen. It ROCKS.

I've seen a bunch of docs give out "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" for some behavior and basic stuff https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

It's normal. You might want to try bargaining with your s.o. for some alone time. Ask for 30-or-whatever minutes wind-down time alone, and what would your s.o. like in return.

For this particular issue, if you want some backup on it, find the pop-psychology book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It's been mocked constantly since it came out, but my wife and I understood 10 times more about each other after reading it. So the observations in it may help you also.

Sit down with her and read this together:

http://www.amazon.com/Mars-Women-Venus-Communication-Relationships/dp/006016848X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318389309&sr=8-1

This will make both of you better partners, both for this relationship and for the future.

men are from mars, women are from venus http://www.amazon.com/Mars-Women-Venus-Communication-Relationships/dp/006016848X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1291981945&sr=8-2

not the best manual but it works for beginners.

You Just Don't Understand and Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus completely changed my understanding of male-female communications. I suddenly figured out exactly where I had gone wrong in previous relationships and was able to understand women a lot better. Now I'm happily married and being a pretty darn good husband if I do say so myself.

Asalam Alakum - Learning how to talk to someone, especially of the opposite gender, takes experience and understanding. TAnd that takes time. The best thing you can do right now is read this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216

I am glad you consider to take it slowly.

I've read from another forum that it took some time to reboot and then to fully recover.

There is even someone who said about it in order to regain 100 percent of physical and mental health, it would takes NoFap for 15 months.

YMMV, but I would take that number as a standard.

By the way, I remember this book. I think it have a huge influence for me, even with my cultural background. Its the book from John Gray, "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus".

I don't know, maybe you've read it, but I think its worth a look.

People! You need to read Women are from Venus Men are from Mars, or even better go see the play in a theater. Fun night out laughing with your SO and you learn a lot.

https://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216

It sounds cheesy, but Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is actually a really great book for helping to understand yourself and your partner.

Let me break it down for you. Male thinking has always been logic based and reasoning ability is one ingrained in our brains. Not that women don't have these abilities but, we did it for our survival in old times and now use it to launch rockets, conquer the Wall St, even use it to precisely launch a fucking bird to kill pigs in Angry birds.
We need to use this nonchalance, "Who gives a damn?" attitude towards women while gaming them.
This book details on how brains are wired differently and how we could overcome it for a sustained, happier relationship.
I mean no disrespect but in retrospect with your post these "dumb jock archetype" are slaying pussy because of their otherwise not mentioned low IQ in a way. For others, we need to train ourselves to overcome our reasoning behavior w.r.t women and stick it up only with science and other stuff. I now understand the connection b/w why nerdboys never try to hit up a convo with a hot chick. Great post OP!

Oops...

There's men that are completely baffled by women.

http://youtu.be/DHzjgNoRmjg

The book referenced http://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216

I suggest reading this in-game book:
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
It increases my char [CHA] slightly and also unlocks extra dialog trees with opposite gender players.

I'm not one hundred percent clear whether we're allowed to have links in replies. So if you have to delete this, sorry! But I recently read this relationship book from the 90s. You might also be too young to have read it when it came out: Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus? The author actually says that this dynamic happens fairly often. And that the solution is for the woman to be upset more (or at least to express it more when she feels like it). I know it sounds counterintuitive but it seems like you're already playing with that idea yourself. Anyways, he says that many American women have been socialized to try to act like nothing's wrong no matter how they're feeling and that can throw off the natural balance of the relationship. (Don't worry, he has plenty of bad things to say about the ways that men are socialized, as well...) Anyways, his advice really helped us with this same issue. Most public libraries still have copies of the book. But I don't know where you are, so if you want to look at it, here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1292129254&sr=1-1.

>how was your day?

Is there a way you could get a connection by talking about something else? Like maybe planning the upcoming weekend, or joint hobbies/projects, or books/movies/YouTube videos/dupes on /r/funny, or the weather, or ants, ants with lasers, etc.? What kind of job does he have?
Astronaut? Or a normal job? 'Cause I don't want to talk about my day at work. It is boring and stupid and I only do it for the money. It is bad enough that I had to live it, and I have no desire to rehash it. Especially cause I don't want to be complaining about it day after day after day after day. Do you like to read books (or audio books)? I'd recommend the 5 Love Languages, and How to Win Friends and Influence People. I'm sure there is something that he could talk about, that would meet your needs for connection. But maybe it is not about his day.

Edit: ...and now reading down thread further, I see you've read the 5 Love Languages book. How about the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book? Sorry for your troubles, hope it gets better.

It's definitely more than that. My IC loaned me a book to read, After the Affair by Janis Spring. My WS has been reading it too. We are finding it very helpful, and I highly recommend it, especially if MC is not an option. It's $11 on Amazon, and they might have it at the library (https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=after+the+affair+by+janis+spring&qid=1567124389&s=gateway&sprefix=after+the+aff&sr=8-1)

Your husband's reaction is not unusual, but what is unusual is his continued resentment over three years. Usually, harboring that much bitterness leads to a rapid deterioration of the marriage until it is unsalvageable. How did he catch you? What were the circumstances of you being discovered? And how emotional did the affair become?

There's a great book I recommend for partners learning to forgive their unfaithful spouses, entitled (interestingly) "After the Affair":

https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474551400&sr=8-1&keywords=after+the+affair

But bottom line, we are here to support you. Your husband either can, or cannot, accept who you are. There's no going back - there is only moving forward.

Please, tell us more about what happened.

You might find the book "The Explosive Child" helpful in understanding your child's behavior. My son sounds very similar to your daughter (and honestly, much, much less of an explosive child than what the book is truly intended for). However, the premise of the book is that kids who explode like this are lacking in the skills of flexibility and adaptability and that helping them learn these skills is far preferable to punishing bad behavior that stems from a lacking skill.

My pediatrician also recommended the book, "The Whole-Brain Child", which helps explain some of the way children's brains functions. This book is especially useful because it explains why, during huge meltdowns, your child is really incapable of rational thought. You have to wait until the child is calm again before trying to address any of the challenges you're facing.

With that being said, I have noticed in particular that my son has a lot more frequent meltdowns when he is 1) tired or 2) hungry. Asking "are you hungry?" and offering him a snack sometimes snaps him right out of it.

Interacting with him/discussing his feelings/giving hugs during the meltdown seem to make it worse (contrary to my initial impulse which is to walk him through his feelings). This is really only possible AFTER the storm has been weathered. Isolating him, which is pretty much my least natural response, is what seems to work for him the best. We simply tell him he needs to stay in his room until he is calm and ready to talk about what's going on. He calms down MUCH faster by himself and half the time, he ends up falling asleep (and wakes up in a perfectly happy mood).

Maybe The Explosive Child or No Bad Kids? Also loved The Whole Brain Child! :)

Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. This book was written with children like your son in mind.

"Not Just friends":https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

The emotional affair is the precursor to the physical affair...

As someone who's been cheated on before...

Yes, tell her. The absolute worst thing is for her to find out on her own.

After you tell her, she's the boss. Whatever she needs, you do. She wants to go to therapy twice/week? You're happy to go. She wants your e-mail password? Give it to her. You broke her trust, now face the consequences. If you can't deal with that, then leave her, but she's the victim and she's entitled to whatever she needs from you in rebuilding trust if you want this relationship to work.

I highly recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's great because it talks through all of the feelings and emotions surrounding infidelity, and it does so in a nonjudgmental, non-shaming manner.

I also highly recommend therapy.

> That I want to live life on MY terms, and split up. I feel a sense of "guilt". That I am the person leaving. I just can not stop the feeling that there is "some other person" to give me the warmth, caring and affection I need. Am I a "SAP".?. I want to be happy, but still feel the guilt and remorse from hurting her feelings...help!!!

Life is short.

You still have a few good years left. Do you want to spend them with someone whom you are not compatible with?

There can be good reasons to stay or go.

But fear of hurting her feelings with a breakup is a silly reason to stay unhappy.

Good luck!

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

I cannot agree more with this comment.

I experienced counselling for the first time after my dad died and i've used counsellors/therapists since then when I've felt the need, and they have been really therapeutic - You're the one providing the answers and solutions however the counsellor works to assist you in exploring those options and move forward.

The last thing you want to do right now is make a knee-jerk decision. If you can't find or afford appropriate counselling then there's a great book I've heard about which maybe you and your husband could work through together... http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

A book really helped me with the question about why I was staying. Maybe it will help OP, too

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

I don't think you're crazy. Your sentence, "Not because of her partying but simply because I don't feel like she's open to me" sounds like you have really been honest with yourself about what hurts you the most and what you need from her.

I was in a state of ambivalence about what to do about the relationship I was in, but reading a book that was recommended here or /r/relationships helped me take a step back from the goings-on of the relationship and evaluate what I want and need from a relationship, and what my bottom line is. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay (http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350). There is a chapter in here about substances or behaviour that makes one person in a relationship uncomfortable, and if you can get your hands on this book I think it might be a good guide to helping you work out some of your thoughts and feelings.

I'm also happy to see a lot of comments from other redditors to help you through this. I wish you the best!

There's a pretty good book out there called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

The author's first question is: when the relationship is / was at it's best, how good was it, really? Did the two of you genuinely enjoy each other's company, or did were you just doing things together that you each enjoyed independently of the other?

Try getting a copy of this book. It helped me in a similar situation.

Too good to leave, Too Bad to Stay

Here's the article that got me thinking this way:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/01/10/hookinguprealities/the-eat-pray-love-divorce-trend/

My ex was a big fan of Eat, Pray, Love, as she was also a big fan of this piece of self-justifying bullshit:

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

By the same author? Cheating is GOOD, don't you know!

http://www.amazon.com/When-Good-People-Have-Affairs/dp/0312563442/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374344138&sr=1-4



I will admit that I'm bipolar, have ADD, take high-powered narcotic analgesics for pain daily, have sleep apnea, and smoke like a chimney; so, I'm not the most reliable of narrators nor am I much of a "catch." I should not, however, be pessimistic about the possibility of others finding ways to stay together and experience all of those positive things you mentioned above. In other words, you're right and I stand corrected: get married if you want! I still believe the man shoulders the majority of the risk but that's just how it is.

By the way, though I can't speak for golf or NASCAR, you really should give ballet a chance.

Enlist a friend or cousin's help in ending this. Your job is to avoid all contact after the breakup, let a cousin handle the details of getting addresses changed and whatnot. Get help in doing the details.

Don't spend forever planning your escape and never doing it. As I've said before, leave when everything appears fine. Leave on your terms, don't wait for some big drama. Leave simply because you know it's right to do so.

Also, read this book if you're still on the fence about leaving:

http://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

+1 For John Gottman's 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. I just read it and was blown away by the solid advice backed by the science of decades of research/observation of couples in Gottman's Love Lab.

He basically says the Mars/Venus book is bollocks.

2 biggest take aways:

1. You need to be each other's best friend. You need to know your wife deeply and be involved and engaged with her on a daily basis. Care about her life.
   
   
2. Your wife and her needs are more important than you and your wants. There are a hundred different things that annoy her or that she wants a specific way and it wouldn't make any difference to you - so remember those things and do them. Even if you have to spend a little extra energy or time - do them. Happy Wife, Happy Life.

To be a more effective gardener, apply science: 7 principals for making marriage work.

And if you are having kids, you better read this, too.

And if you want better sex, there's Passionate Marriage.

It is a standoff. She resents you for emotionally neglecting her, you resent her for sexually depriving you. You don't want to do anything because it doesn't feel natural or authentic. How does it get authentic when it comes from a place of score-keeping and resentment? It may feel awkward and forced in the beginning, but as you get more comfortable and used to expressing yourself and being affectionate with her, maybe it will get easier.

[Since you said you don't like talking...] (https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_3/136-4451667-9163925?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CZ0Y20QEK00JA1FRSQ23)

[Oldie but goodie] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=pd_aw_sim_sbs_351_of_7?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EWWR2K9HFR8XJGSX0DGR)

[This is a lot of work, but you have to do it together and it might bring you closer] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553447718/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

[I haven't read this one, but I've read something else with a similar idea (the writers were an English couple but goddamnit I can't think of the title), and maybe you can try the suggestions] (https://www.amazon.com/1001-Ways-Be-Romantic-More-ebook/dp/B004MME71K?keywords=english+romance+couple+ideas&qid=1537541693&sr=8-3&ref=mp_s_a_1_3)

As someone who is currently in couples counseling and who both withdraws, and worries about my partner's reactions to my emotions, I want to echo what /u/zamonie is saying by sharing something I've learned in therapy about "not getting into someone's drama".

If you are constantly worried about other people's needs as a child, then it can make you codependent as an adult. And if you are codependent, then you are overly involved in other people's reactions/emotions AND want to manage their reactions/emotions. You also may not have a great deal of resources for managing your own emotions.

As someone who meets all of the criteria above, one of the most enlightening things that therapy has done for me is to teach me that I am not responsible for other people's emotions (unlike what my Nmom thinks), and they are not responsible for mine.

In practical terms, what this means is that if I had a hard day at work, then I don't get to come home and vent to my partner for 2 hours about what happened. What I get to do is check in with myself about my feelings (anger? frustration? sadness?) and decide how to best cope with the energy from those emotions. This means letting yourself feel them (e.g. not pushing them down or trying to numb or avoid them) and also doing some self-care to deal with the energy, like exercising or meditating or journaling or art or whatever you feel like will help you the most.

If -- after you have done a first pass on your emotional state -- you feel like you want to talk about your hard day at work, then you can seek support from another person. But the reason the order of operations here is important is because going to another person first and unleashing your emotions on them is called DUMPING. You are making it THEIR problem.

When /u/zamonie talked about not getting involved in drama, it reminded me that I used to stir up drama every. single. day. when I would come home from work. My husband would listen to me go on and on about this person or that person or how stupid this misunderstanding was, etc, etc. This was because I had no resources to be with these emotions on my own. Now that I do, I request some time to myself when I come home so he knows what's going on ("Hey - I had kind of a shit day... I think I need some time to myself"), and then I do the things I mentioned above. I deal with my own problems.

So. Why am I telling you all of this. :-) Because, as /u/zamonie said:

>maybe you feel like your partner MUST feel "responsible" or involved for your sadness because you kind of have an automatic idea of THAT'S how relationships work. But maybe that's not actually how this works? And maybe a relationship could actually work better if both partners had this meta-level to themselves where they decide to be solely responsible? I dunno.

This is true. I'm learning this in couples counseling. It's called 'differentiation'. A good book on this topic is Passionate Marriage (read the reviews, they say more than I can). What this means is that as a first pass, you deal with your own feelings about your partner before bringing them to your partner. Not that you never divulge them (I hear that concern in the question about honesty that you posed), but that you work on them yourself first. Then you can get clear about what you want because you aren't all worked up about it.

I wish you all the best as you navigate your relationship -- I understand deeply where you and your partner are coming from. I would also encourage couples counseling, especially someone trained in the Gottman framework (an evidence-based approach to marriage counseling).

A doctor named John Gottman coined this phrase. His book is excellent:

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718

He did research to see if he could identify couples who would divorce based on how they interact. Spoiler: he could.

If a person has a toxic interaction style, they either need to change or to find someone who can tolerate it. Criticism is a hard one to change because it's about feeling powerlessness and greed, two very powerful human emotions.

Once you see it that way though, it makes it easier to avoid.

I haven’t read it yet, so I can’t give a personal endorsement

But my husband and I are getting ready to have our first child and we’ve been talking a lot about how to ensure our relationship is successful

We’re attending a weekend workshop soon by the Gottman Institute

And I keep getting recommended this book

Love is a big piece. If you're looking for more specific guidelines, I really enjoyed The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. He has several books that offer a lot of practical, well researched advice.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_lgIaBb372YD2T
The seven principles for making marriage work by John Gottman

I was in the same boat. Read this: https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X Literally half of the book is about how to do reflective listening. That alone changed my life. And the more you learn genuine social skills like that, the more you'll realize everyone has no idea what they're doing and they're lucky to be making their way through life at all.

DO NOT USE DATING APPS!!! They heavily favor women and you'll just be running into getting tens of rejections a day. Dating apps are for women. Not men.

Every college has a ballroom dance club. Join it.

One of my favorite books is People Skills by Robert Bolton.

People Skills

"Improve your personal and professional relationships instantly with this timeless guide to communication, listening skills, body language, and conflict resolution.

A wall of silent resentment shuts you off from someone you love....You listen to an argument in which neither party seems to hear the other....Your mind drifts to other matters when people talk to you....

People Skills is a communication-skills handbook that can help you eliminate these and other communication problems. Author Robert Bolton describes the twelve most common communication barriers, showing how these “roadblocks” damage relationships by increasing defensiveness, aggressiveness, or dependency. He explains how to acquire the ability to listen, assert yourself, resolve conflicts, and work out problems with others. These are skills that will help you communicate calmly, even in stressful emotionally charged situations.

People Skills will show you:

· How to get your needs met using simple assertion techniques

· How body language often speaks louder than words

· How to use silence as a valuable communication tool

· How to de-escalate family disputes, lovers' quarrels, and other heated arguments

Both thought-provoking and practical, People Skills is filled with workable ideas that you can use to improve your communication in meaningful ways, every day."

Possibly People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

http://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382500298&sr=8-1&keywords=people+skills+how+to

Hmm...well, therapy was an enormous help for me. But I know not everyone has insurance that covers it. I also dealt with severe physical abuse, so maybe the books I read won't work for you.

However...I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2/175-5751338-3289757?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=1SHX5JYKVB1D1XTKMJZM&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1944687542&pf_rd_i=0688140718

http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&dpID=51p3IsmSqxL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR107%2C160_&refRID=0GAX75MV0QW96MAX79QS

These are not books I have read. The one I did read was "Adult Children of Abusive Parents". http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884

That covers a lot of narcissistic issues as well, so while abuse doesn't seem to be an issue (although, when you do your soul-searching, you might uncover some truths that your parents maybe were emotionally abusive to you) it could be a very helpful book.

On those links on Amazon, if you scroll down it will show you similar books. Peruse them. Some are crap, others are very good. In every book, there will be info you will disagree with, or info that does not apply to you. That's ok. Focus on the info that resonates with you and applies to you.

And I warn you, it might be a painful experience, and things that happened a long time ago that did not make sense at the time, may suddenly make sense now that you can see their motivation behind their actions.

Best of all, however, is if you follow through, do the soul searching and most importantly, establish and stick with parameters that are right for you (and nobody else can say what is right for you) you will feel liberated. The guilt will be gone. You'll be able to throw off this huge weight you've been burdened with for so long that you likely don't even realize you've been carrying this stress around. I can tell just by what little you have shared that you harbor extreme guilt and worry that you are doing the 'wrong' thing and owe them more and are not being fair to your parents. All of which reflects that they have been very successful at emotionally manipulating you for their very selfish, narcissistic reasons.

Hope this helps!

Edit: I re-read your question of "what can you do" for the feeling bad that breaking away from your parents brings?

Time. Time, and sticking to your guns. I remember the first time I informed my parents of certain parameters by writing to them. I was ready to go out and buy a nice card, and my friend stopped me and said simply use a page of regular binder paper. I felt like I was committing some crime. As time passed and the initial shock was over, I slowly realized that placing parameters and refusing to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated was wonderful! You will stop feeling guilty and 'bad'. You will think, 'why did I not do this earlier'? You will develop confidence and realize you are doing the absolute right, moral and correct thing.

And, you may be sad and hurt, and even angry that your parents did what they did for so long.

So, be kind to yourself, accept that this is a process that won't change over night, and trust the process.

I think these books would be very helpful on learning why people become narcissists and what can be done to heal: https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466677067&sr=1-1&keywords=the+narcissistic+family

https://www.amazon.com/Unholy-Hungers-Encountering-Psychic-Ourselves/dp/1570621810/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466677088&sr=1-1&keywords=unholy+hungers

I had a similar issue with my boy, but he was 6 at the time. I posted on here and got a suggestion to read a book.

https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451

Just reading the first few pages was mind blowing, "THAT IS MY SON!" Everything in that book I could relate to my boy. A quote that stuck with me from the book is, "a child wants to be good, if he can." Some kids simply lack the skills to control their emotions and lash out because of it. They're frustrated they can't figure themselves out, you're frustrated that they won't calm down, tensions rise, anger comes out, all of that doesn't work for anyone.

Get that book, read it, it will change your understanding of what's going on with your child and how to get things back to normal.

These kinds of issues require a tremendous amount of patience. You have to keep in mind that often times, this behavior is not really intentional. Boys and girls with behavioral issues don't *WANT* to be difficult. It's just very difficult for them to regulate emotions. I myself was diagnosed with ADHD (ODD wasn't a diagnosis back then, but I'm sure it would have applied, too) as a youth, so I know firsthand. Emotional responses just override logical responses.

We have a scout in our troop who has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and ADHD. He will often behave in a very similar manner to the scout you've described. I've learned through observation that it usually happens when he's had a lot of interpersonal contact. Dealing with people exhausts him, and when he gets exhausted, his ODD will come out and shine. We have learned that he does particularly well if we can earmark some of the solo tasks his way. He's particularly fastidious with washing dishes, for example, and that task doesn't require him to socialize very much.

When the outbursts happen, take a tack like saying "Hey man, why don't you take a break in your tent and gather yourself. We can get the cooking gear set up right now, and you can help with the dishes after dinner." Sometimes just a bit of self-time will allow them to reset enough to carry on, but you've also left the expectation that they will be doing some of the work.

Oh, another thing to do is go go over well ahead of time, what your expectations are for the campout. "Ok, we'll be arriving at the campsite at 6PM. Everybody will need to set their tents up. If you didn't bring a tent, you're still expected to help your tent mate set up their tent. Mark, Dave, Tom, does everyone understand? Great. Then we'll be setting up for dinner. We expect everyone to help set up, and break back down afterwards. Mark, Dave, Tom, do you understand? Great." Do the same each day, for those guys.

It can seem silly to do that, when you're thinking "Gee, everyone knows all that stuff...", but what you're really doing is providing advance notice of your expectations. And letting the boys know what the structure of the outing is. So there are no surprises. ADHD kids know things need to be done, but without structure they often flounder and then telling them what needs to be done Right Now(tm) makes them feel put upon. Giving them the plan in advance provides a structure they can work within. Lack of structure is a rarely verbalized, but often felt, challenge for the ADD/ADHD crowd.

All that said...

You need to talk to your scoutmaster, and your committee chair, and make sure the adults are aware of the issues. One issue is the boy's behavior itself. Another issue is the potential that these issues are real medical issues that need to be properly dealt with. Yet another issue is the impact to patrol and troop morale can happen when a kid won't help with the work that needs to be done.

Because of two-deep leadership needs, we have mandated that for activities like Summer Camp, the kids with these or similar issues are required to have a parent/guardian attend. We simply can't afford to leave two adults back in a campsite when it's time to head off to meals or activities, and we won't deny the other boys the opportunity to participate.Your troop committee may need to explore similar requirements.

In terms of resources:

• Talk to the Scout's parents. They will undoubtedly be familiar with this Scout's behavior, and they may be able to offer suggestions on what works and doesn't work for him. Stress that you want his scouting experience to be as successful and beneficial as possible, but it needs to work for the other boys, too.
  
• Check with your Council and/or District to see if they have a committee dedicated to working with Special Needs scouts - if they don't, suggest that they establish one.
  
• BSA's website has a section on working with scouts who have special needs: https://www.scouting.org/programs/boy-scouts/the-building-blocks-of-scouting/disabilities/
  
• You can email the BSA committee on special needs Scouting at [email protected]
  
• https://scoutingmagazine.org/2017/02/tips-working-scouts-special-needs-disabilities/
  
• A lot of the tips on working with Scouts on the Autism Spectrum are also good tips for working with scouts on the ADHD/ODD spectrum: https://blog.scoutingmagazine.org/2016/04/21/6-resources-working-scouts-autism/
  
• Book by Dr. Ross Green, for parents, but maybe could offer you additional strategies: https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451
  
• Online Training: Collaborative Problem Solving www.thinkkids.org/train/trainings/ (there is a price involved, but you could ask your troop to pay for it, or you could call and explain your circumstance (SPL wants to best help Scouts with special needs) and see if they can give you a discount)

Excellent idea! Here are some resources that have been especially useful to me.

Books

Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion

Practically Shameless: How Shadow Work Helped Me Find My Voice, My Path, and My Inner Gold

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Experiential Programs
These two programs are similar in scope. They provide a supportive, accepting environment to help heal old wounds, break out of patterns that no longer serve you and find empowerment. I have both taken and staffed the Woman Within training weekend and so can personally recommend it as a valuable resource for ACONs.

Woman Within International

*The ManKind Project

I'm obviously getting to this quite late, but had it bookmarked for a while to check out. :)

I agree with the points you made here, OP, and I think it's so important to consider these factors and influences before we judge the women. Because of how we are socialized, I am someone who has been guilty of judging Hannah B way more than I have judged Caelynn. Caelynn's way of coping has been more similar to mine and is definitely the more "socially appropriate way" even in how she didn't bring it up until she was forced to address it because Hannah B brought it up. Add to this that Caelynn is more contained and more eloquent, and I naturally sided with her in the beginning. Reading your very insightful and well-written post made me call myself out on what I've been doing recently when I watch scenes with their feud. Hannah's reactions have made me uncomfortable, but I completely agree that their (often edited!) behavior shouldn't make us believe one over the other.

I highly recommend this book if you haven't read it yet- I think it's right up your alley! https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/0062319043/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1476654196&sr=1-1&keywords=the+dance+of+anger

I mean things that allow her to hit her lowest point Something that helps her wake up to the fact that her actions have serious consequences to herself and the people she loves. Usually that means some form of tough love. Take a look at the link for specific examples.

With her background, it sounds like she is dealing with a lot of really heavy stuff. Has she seen a therapist to help her work through all of her emotions?

I'd also recommend this book about mother/daughter relationships

Oh, yup, I think you’re right. My mistake. Still, the conversion rate wouldn’t give you that info.

Broader point: there is certain data that Tesla historically hasn’t disclosed, and isn’t required to disclose. For example, Tesla doesn’t disclose its weekly production rate on a weekly basis, it just gives quarterly updates. Similarly, it will give quarterly updates on Model 3 deliveries, and on automotive revenue and gross margin, which provides all the info about the current mix of sales.

There is also lots of public, independent survey data that indicates what options and configurations Model 3 reservation holders want, and the likely ASP of Model 3s sold to this group. This data is readily available to analysts.

It seems to be like a poor use of time to ask for the conversion rate which, 1) by itself doesn’t say anything useful, 2) Tesla is well within its rights to simply decline to disclose, and 3) is only interesting insofar as it relates to questions about demand and ASP, which can be answered by public data available elsewhere.

I don’t think it is a good argument to say that Elon was dodging a tough question, or refusing to disclose vital financial information. That just doesn’t fit the facts here. The question wasn’t tough and the information wasn’t vital, or even useful. If you think analysts always ask good questions, refer to the Q4 2017 earnings call when an analyst asked if the Tesla Semi would use supercapacitors rather than batteries. That question comes from a lack of basic research. It’s just disrespectful at that point. Not every question asked is reasonable.

I think Musk probably was just genuinely frustrated at being asked questions that didn’t bear materially on Tesla’s long-term financial performance, on being asked the same questions repeatedly, or being asked for information that Tesla doesn’t disclose. When you’re wasting the time of a company’s CEO, CFO, and CTO with repeated or unreasonable questions — and wasting the time of the thousands of people listening — it’s understandable that the CEO would get frustrated. Normally, they would probably grin and bear it. In this case, Elon didn’t, and whether that’s a good thing is up for debate.

On one hand, I believe in always being kind, and on the other hand, I don’t believe in repressing anger when faced with a genuine affront. A lot of the social rules we have about professionalism and social decorum exist sheerly out of tradition or convention, and not necessarily because they reflect the truth about human emotion or how communication best occurs.

In early 21st century North America we have a complicated taboo about showing anger — who is allowed to show it, when, and why. This is a subtle topic. A good book on the subject is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I used to think that anger is never helpful and should always be repressed, but my thinking has really been turned around on that one.

Sorry,whoops --

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

I also recommend How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn. I think it's better to open communication and set expectations about sharing work before baby gets here. https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

Buy your fiance a copy of this book. It's about conflict in marriage after childbirth, but applies to any life-altering stage of relationships, which marriage certainly falls under.

Way to go on the counseling decision! It is helping us figure out where we get stuck and when arguments crop up. My mom gave me this when I was still pregnant. The book is How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids.

It’s helpful that it exists. Kind of fun to flip through and think at least I’m not the only one.

That sucks, your husband is being selfish and unreasonable. There’s a really good book called “How to not hate your husband after kids” how to not hate your husband after kids You should check it out.

You should’ve really sit him down and talk about these issues and definitely see a counselor.

You in a really annoying situation, stay strong mama you’re doing great!

Protecting the Gift is also a good read.

Protecting the Gift is my go-to recommendation here. It is a fantastic book.

The book he wrote specifically for parents to teach their children is amazing. It really helped my 6 year old know exactly what to do and whom to go to when she got separated from us at a county fair.

Please read "Protecting the Gift" by: Gavin De Becker. http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009
I think all parents should read this book about how to keep children safe. He also has a great book that all women should read called The Gift of Fear.

LynzM wrote:

I know I'm posting two links to the same author in this thread, but I promise they are both worth reading: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)

This will both ease your fears and give you something bigger to worry about: Protecting the Gift
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440509009

You are in a tough situation. I suggest reading Too good to leave, too bad to stay. It might help you make a decision about your relationship. It might be worth talking to your therapist about it before you do.

Good luck in your journey.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_ZiZCybZYDK7J7

Read this and go through the exercises:


Too Good to Leave

There is a fantastic book https://www.amazon.fr/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 take what you want from it but there are great advices about these issues which are normal ! All the best

I wouldn't call them methods so much as trial and error lol. I ran into this book in the library when I was pregnant and determined to parent without the violence and stone walling I grew up with. At the time it gave me an interesting look into forms of communication I had never experienced at home, and got me looking into the idea of teaching instead of controlling. I just sort of rolled those ideas up with the thought that I would treat my kid how I would want to be treated. I wouldn't want to be screamed at, smacked, guilt tripped, second guessed, or automatically distrusted, so I do my best not to do those things. I read everything I could get my hands on, took the good that worked and tossed what didn't. As I said, everything isn't sunshine, kids aren't perfect angels, and I don't expect or want them to be. I want them to know that everyone makes mistakes, it's ok to screw up, but the important thing is admitting when you do screw up and being genuine in your efforts to fix it. Above all we value treating others with respect and everything else just stems from that.


As it relates to the snacks, I provide the snacks, they get to choose which one they want at that time. If they eat them all in the first day, they don't get anymore until my next shopping trip. If they eat too much, then don't eat their dinner and are hungry later, too bad. The snacks are always of a decently healthy nature, such as cut up veggies/fruit in bags, yogurt, pretzels, applesauce, cottage cheese, and mixed unsalted nuts, so even if they gorge on it I'm not really worried. Sweets are something we tend to cook together or we go out for, but even sweets don't get devoured in a day here. I'm rambling so I'll be done now.

Check out the Love and Logic series by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, professionals who worked with foster kids with severe behavioral issues so it focuses on non punitive discipline but is awesome. On their website they have a whole list of resources for children and 7 to 12 years age group as well as a link to their main book Parenting with Love and Logic.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/c-11-ages-7-12.aspx

Another fabulous one is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1406625612&robot_redir=1

Good luck, she's fortunate to have a loving father figure who cares so much!

I had a crappy father, but he pressed me to work hard at math. That was good.

He was a construction worker and every time he fixed something around, he made me stand there and hands his tools to him, so I can fix just about anything around the house.

Here's a book on how to raise a smart and happy child.
https://www.amazon.com/Brain-Rules-Baby-Updated-Expanded/dp/0983263388

Now that my daughter is a toddler, the pediatrician recommended this book
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X

Don't let her watch Disney princess movies if you can help it, except Brave is probably good http://national.deseretnews.com/article/20551/disney-princess-culture-may-not-be-great-for-the-future-of-little-girls.html

I play the Winnie the Pooh educational videos for her, so that's what she likes: 123's, Shapes and Sizes, ABC's.

In order to deal with talking to her about sex, which you may need to do as early as age six, read this book https://www.amazon.com/Girls-Sex-Navigating-Complicated-Landscape-ebook/dp/B0111YAT0Y

I am so deeply disturbed by what girls have to deal with now days. It's so much worse than when I was a teen. Worrying about my daughters keeps me up at night.

The very best book I've read for discipline is 1-2-3 Magic (which someone here recommended to me) and combine that with the supernanny time out technique (put them in time out for 1 minute per year of age, if they leave the spot, quietly take them back and deposit them again until they learn to stay). It keeps us all calm and the kid knows we're not fucking around just a couple days after implementing it. It also works with my teenager except instead of time out he's getting a chore or losing a privilege/going to bed early depending on the transgression.

I found 1-2-3 magic was a good start for us.

https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=237TQXOJBKBMO&keywords=1%2C2%2C3+magic&qid=1570052492&sprefix=1%2C2%2Caps%2C151&sr=8-1

The Anatomy of Peace

Absolutely life changing. The book is about seeing people as people rather than as objects. Seems simple enough, but I promise you it will open your eyes to a whole new way of seeing people and interacting with them.

There's actually a sequel called Leadership and Self-Deception with goes a bit deeper into the concepts covered in the first and how to resolve them.

Both are not books you want to skip if you ever deal with people in any way, ever.

Mindset is a book that has completely changed how people perceive self-improvement, and that's not an exaggeration. This book is extremely well-known and often referenced, and it's possible you know of it already. Probably in the top 3 most life-changing self-improvement books out there.

Leadership and Self-Deception is a very engaging read, and its goal is to help you see relationships with friends, coworkers and employees as they are, not how you think they are. It helps you "get outside of the box" that you see the world through, and stop the cycle of self-justification that many people have. Highly recommend reading it.

Leadership and Self Deception by The Arbinger Institute

I've found this book to be pretty decent "work" book.

Leadership and Self-Deception

http://amzn.com/1576759776

While you are at it, buy this book and try to learn from it:
https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Love-Understanding-Attachment-Relationship/dp/1608820580

http://www.amazon.ca/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
aaaand...
http://www.amazon.ca/Wired-Love-Understanding-Attachment-Relationship/dp/1608820580/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1449455904&sr=1-1&keywords=wired+for+love

I think you have different relationship patterns. I'm currently reading an older edition of It's Not You, It's the Dishes (which I picked up at the library). This book explains in economics terms how some relationship troubles happen, and how some can be fixed. The books that described attachment theory are Love Sense and Wired for Love.

> I don't think he even pays attention to me - he's often on his phone when we are together, interrupts me when I'm mid-sentence or just completely tunes out. He also often forgets when we make plans, mostly I think because half the time he isn't bloody listening.

In the edition I'm reading, this is chapter 7 - Asymmetrical Information. In particular, a passage about "high information processing costs". What I think is happening is that he's getting information overload, and tuning out is one coping mechanism. The solution might be to "keep it short". The amount of details you might think is sufficient to describe the situation is less than he thinks is necessary. If this is the case, you may need some experimenting to zoom into the optimal amount.


Some reading on attachment styles and how they impact relationships:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_attachment_insecurity_from_ruining_your_love_life
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

Get her this book: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34

I bought it for a friend and she finally came to her senses and dumped the guy on her own. She still thanks me for it, years later.

I think this book may help you decide. "Top good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum.

https://smile.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B002JPGQ34/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535827595&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=too+good+to+leave%2C+too+bad+to+stay

123 Magic has really helped my husband and I with our three-anger. Implementing the strategy was easy and has brought so much peace to our home. How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Parenting with Love and Logic are the other 2 we have referenced lots of times. But if you are looking for more of a story Bringing Up Bebe was a fun read.

ESH. Yes, it sounds like your son is being a brat... but you might be interested to know that punishment is a really ineffective way of getting someone to change their behavior. Consequences work best when they're immediate and when they naturally follow from whatever behavior your trying to reinforce or discourage - and the trip to California is three weeks away and has nothing to do with his behavior at school. If you make him stay home it's probably not going to improve his behavior, and it'll probably make things worse because he's going to resent you for going on a trip without him.

Have you tried talking to him about why he does the stuff that he does? It looks like a lot of people here are suggesting that he's got a learning disability or a mental disorder, but it could be that he's just angry, bored, or otherwise upset and acts out because of that. It's really common for adults to dismiss, ignore, or punish kids when they're trying to express negative feelings, because a lot of the time the stuff they get angry about doesn't seem like such a big deal to us. This makes them even more frustrated (because they're trying to communicate with the adults and aren't being heard) and so they act out even more, which leads to more punishment, etc.

This is a really great book about communicating with kids and alternatives to punishment.

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B005GG0MXI

This is a parenting book, and would have to be my choice..
I would use it to help my fiance better understand why he struggles so much with our 7 year old and his behavior.. It tears me to pieces to see them argue all the time, and I wish he would just get a clue!

So one thing to keep in mind - high blood sugar makes you feel EXTREMELY irritable. I am normally a very calm, even, unemotional kind of person, but high blood sugar brings out the beast in me. That coupled with just being frustrated about the restrictions that come with T1D, make his reaction completely normal. Hell, I am an adult and I still get angry sometimes when diabetes stops me from doing something (like having food when I want it, or interrupting my day). I don't think you're understanding just how normal his reaction is in the face of living with a chronic medical condition.

Are you acknowledging his anger and frustration? "Hey, I know you're angry about this. This must really suck for you. I am sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through/feeling."

The more I read your comments, the more I think that some of his reactions and feelings have to do with a combination of his home life, how you and his other parent are reacting to things, and the very typical frustrations that come with living with an incredibly complex (and often poorly understood) chronic condition. I am not blaming you; I think you're doing what you think is right in the moment and are probably also very frustrated in having to deal with this (he doesn't get to own frustration here!), but if you want to change things, you're going to have to change your approach entirely.

He's right, it's not fair. And it would help if you start empathizing with that and acknowledging the unfairness.

If you haven't already, I would check out this book (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will Talk). I think it might help your specific situation.

I have a few ideas.

Read 123 Magic. It has helped immensely with my twin toddlers. You really need to get everyone in the house on board with discipline /rules. Your kid is learning that if she tantrums hard enough someone in the house will cave and she will get her way. If the answer to tablet usable is no, and your child throws a fit, you count, 1, then pause a few moments for compliance, 2 then pause, a finally 3. If they haven't calmed down after 3 opportunities , they get an age appropriate time out (~1 min per year of age). Leave emotion out, no reasoning or lengthy explanations. After the timeout give a hug and maybe a quick talk" No hitting, Okay".

Eating vegetables. My kids always seemed to like vegetables but we do involve them in the cooking process. Maybe have her help clean/prepare/cook some green beans. Cooking is a very engaging activity for our boys, talk about heat/cold/hot, raw/cooked, cookware, have them help flip/mix in the pan, add seasoning. Once they have helped make the food they are more interested in trying the food. Also having them add a little pinch of salt, or some pepper form a pepper mill, helps pique their interest.

My kids go to bed at 7:30pm and wake at 6:10am. It was a long and hard fight to get them sleeping like angels but it was mostly just not giving in to their tantrums. If it means leaving a party early to make that bedtime, so be it. If you gradually move her bed time earlier, your mom/sister/fiance will have more time to watch TV /internet/whatever with their guards down.

We let our twins watch TV and use their tablets, but we had to get more strict with their use. They used to be able to watch one episode of a cartoon before preschool in the morning, and maybe another after dinner. That has turned into no youtube/TV/tablets on M-F, Saturday they can do whatever they like, Sunday is a weaning from electronics day, maybe a cartoon or two in the morning. Viewing was getting out of hand needed to be reined in.

You need to get your mom/sister to stop letting her have way, it totally undermines you and your fiance.

>But yesterday she dropped one tiny piece of snack on the floor and I kept going (she was in her stroller)

My kids will do this sometimes. It's the end of the world when a whole cracker is now two! If it happens I generally will help them right what's wrong. With the cracker I would acknowledge their frustration/disappointment and would show them that eating the "broken" piece fixes the two cracker issue. In your case I would have circled back and helped look for the missing snack, you could make a game of it, "IS that the snack" pointing at something obviously not the snack, repeat until they no longer remember why they are upset.

Good luck.

For general outlook, I found Fred Rogers's Many Ways to Say I Love You: Wisdom for Parents and Children from Mister Rogers to be helpful.

For a practical guide to discipline, I recommend 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan.

Great question. Just so you know, we're talking about a 20 years marriage, with children, so clearly something that's meaningful.

I guess the starting point was to open up about my situation with friends. Which obviously, my ex hated. She would claim that it's unhealthy to share intimate things with friends. She would for instance veto conversations I would have with her mother, who would often be treated exactly the same by her.

What's interesting the way she convinced her mom to not say what she felt. My ex deemed that my MIL said 'bad things about her' that could 'ruin our marriage' because it would depict my ex as a bad person. While in fact, if anything, my MIL agreeing with me could let me blow some steam. My MIL's intent was not at all to ruin anything, but just to give me the confidence to stand up for myself, which, in turn, would prevent the marriage to falling apart once I've had too much.

But of course, what my ex really meant was not about 'ruining our marriage', but much more over ruining the control she has over me.

So, as I gradually understood that, I also read a lot of things about relationships, and one of them, that I found very insightful, was a chapter on people who are thirsty for control, in a book very aptly called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay'.

The chapter was about a guy who is very controlling. Every detail needs to be done his way, and even for the most futile details, he will always find a reason why it really matters. This passage opened my eyes:

"Suppose you're in a relationship with a power person [...] all you want to do is get some need of your own met [...] But you have to understand how the power person's mind works. If they care about power so deeply, they can't imagine that you're not the same way. If all they want is power, all you must want is power. They interpret your actions with their own meanings.

So if they do things not to get their needs met, but to maintain power, anything you do to get any of your needs met must be to assert your own power. At least that's how they see it"

Wow! Well, now you know. And you've also drawn a line in the sand that puts her in her place in the past, and you've done it with style, and you've done it together. Kudos to both of you!

Looking forward, a man so willing to do what he feels is the right thing in the moment, and most of all, who's willing to validate a woman's goodness and her place in his life, cannot help but find the right one and make her happy.

If you're as interested in learning about relationships -- and doing the right thing by the women in your life -- as it seems, here's a great book: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

Good luck!

I agree with everything you said, but it seems (based on your comments) that she's taking what she wants from the lesson and maybe not what's being taught.

If better marital communications is your goal and you haven't read it already, read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I've read it several times again over the years and aside from being wildly entertaining, he's spot on. I made my Sons read it when they hit 16. They swear by it.

Also, here's the link to the Church's "Lesson 5: Responding to Challenges through Positive Communication"

Good Luck, Brother.

Men are from mars, women are from venus

https://www.amazon.ca/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520609639&sr=1-1&keywords=differences+between+men+and+women

https://www.amazon.ca/Sex-Brain-Biological-Differences-Between/dp/0140263489/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520609639&sr=1-3&keywords=differences+between+men+and+women

https://www.amazon.ca/Dont-Listen-Women-Cant-Read/dp/0767907639/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520609639&sr=1-4&keywords=differences+between+men+and+women

https://www.amazon.ca/Brain-Sex-difference-between-women-ebook/dp/B014O7S4P2/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520609639&sr=1-5&keywords=differences+between+men+and+women

There's an entire field of study, called psychology, that addresses your question. Please continue to be a pedantic asshole though.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484683362&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=not+just+friends&dpPl=1&dpID=41n9%2BCBFBbL&ref=plSrch

I hope that works for you. Otherwise search Amazon for "not just friends" and it is the first one that comes up.

My wife had a male friend, he worked at the same company as her in a different department. She apparently went out to lunch with him quite often (2 or 3 times a week), without my knowledge for several months. Then they started seeing each other for dinner, again without my knowledge (girls night, etc). When I discovered this she said they were "Just Friends", shamed me for my mistrust of her,and gas lighted me for six months. I eventually found out that it was an affair, and that it had be going on the since shortly after they started having lunch together. I told her that if she wanted to regain my trust and remain married to me then she couldn't be friends with her affair partner, and quit her job where she worked with him. She then accused me of trying to "control her". After a few months living on her own she accepted my requirements to continue our relationship.


People in relationships can have friends they are attracted to, but too much time with that friend CAN lead to something else going on and should be a warning sign.


This book was extremely helpful for my wife and I to understand how it progressed as far as it did, and how to prevent it from happening again.

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

This is a must read for marriage, Read the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus:" http://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344973363&sr=8-1&keywords=men+are+from+mars+women+are+from+venus

Shit, I understand your confusion. To make it short, you need this [(https://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Venus-Understanding/dp/0060574216)]

Women tend to speak with other means in mind. When she said, I'm going to bed, she clearly means "I need you to come with me", but to translate from her language to manenglish you need the knowledge the book can give you. You will find out many other things you were misunderstanding or missing by reading it. Good luck.

Read! ;) - EDIT:What's with the downvotes? That is a pretty nice book. Really.