Best healthy relationships books according to redditors
We found 16,936 Reddit comments discussing the best healthy relationships books. We ranked the 2,607 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
12. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
100 mentions
MarriageLovePsychologySecretTouch
In one popular body language book, there is topic about handshakes. They teach you how handshake can be used to assert dominance, and how to defend against that types of handshakes. And by that I don't mean this Trump handshake, because pulling and grabbing hand like that is not even in book. That's just dick move.
EDIT: Link to book
Unfortunately, I don't think she got around to reading The Ethical Slut yet.
And this feeling is even greater in people identifying as having 'Codependent' personalities:
From this page:
http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patternsPage/ and the cached version
Excerpts:
Some things to consider:
Animation degree here. (Really dont need a degree. My professors who worked in the industry said many dont have degrees still to this day, its all about passion and skill... and being willing to work 16 hour days)
Seriously fantastic animation. All 12 principles of animation are represented.
Your bro just needs to keep uploading and making animation. Its essentially a portfolio.
Animation companies dont care if you have a degee. They want a stacked portfolio. With solid animation.
When your bro starts applying for animation jobs. Make sure he has a solid demo reel. A demo reel is only the best animation hes made compiled in on vid. Its the resume for these places. Its all about skill.
Fyi the #1 and #2 books (no particular order) for learning animation and developing it are priceless. My professors stressed these books every year. They were used in 90% of my animation classes.
This book...
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5JSgDb5GHT9WJ
And this book....
The Illusion of Life: Disney Animation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0786860707/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_OKSgDbZMMJBVE
This would make a fantastic gift for any animator
Tell your bro not to be down about it. The companies dont care about schooling. Skill and passion are all that matters.
Edit: forgot our schools favorite websites!
https://www.cartoonbrew.com/
Cartoon brew keeps animators updated on general cartoons and animation
http://www.11secondclub.com/
We got extra credit for doing the 11 second club. You got an A for that semester in one class if you could break the top animations that month. Few students did that.
Edit: thanks for gold! insert keyframe of me jumping in 80s pose
Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):
After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.
Ok, now take note of what went wrong with your drawing and try again, and again, and again. Then after a few weeks go back and compare your latest drawings to this one.
The master has failed more times then the novice has tried.
If you want some resources, here are some youtube channels:
And also some books:
You should also check out http://drawabox.com/ and https://www.ctrlpaint.com/.
Edit: Labeled the links.
Edit 2: Just in case anyone saved this post, here's a couple of youtube channels I started watching recently:
I hope things are going well for you. And remember, as long as you keep moving forward you'll get to where you want to go eventually, even if your steps aren't as big as you'd like.
You missed one.
Real mental health awareness means treating it like the rest of a person's health.
In Canada it blows my mind (pun unintended) that mental health isn't covered by our health care system.
I would like to recommend a book to a fellow introvert it's called Quiet, it's a very good book on introverts.
A lot of the issues are psychological in nature. I wasn’t a “neck beard” but I was a “nice guy”. There are several issues with “nice guy” thinking/behavior:
This book changed my life:
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Since I don't know the extent of your Autism, I will write as if I'm speaking to a person that is just very inexperienced with dating.
It definitely is different from case to case.
Some people experience it like this though:
If they agree; pull out your phone, open up a New Contact, put their name in, click the phone number field, then hand them the phone to type it in.
PROTIP: If there is a lull in the conversation, don't keep prodding them or start playing on your phone, instead have a casual conversation with someone around you (bartender, person in line near you, somebody sitting at bar). This shows you aren't a puppy dog relying on them for entertainment, are outgoing, and have confidence (an attractive trait universally).
its best to assume you aren't compatible and leave them alone. Definitely don't beg or pressure them.
At the FIRST sign of hesitation, stop entirely. Don't get butthurt or beg, just respect their wishes. You can offer them a drink or to do the activity you mentioned, then try again later. If still no, they may either have some friction (religious background, awkwardness about intimacy, principles against first-date hookups) or something went wrong and they think you're a friend/is using you for something. Nothing I've written here is a hard rule, simply my experience. This may not be the case for everybody, especially if there is mental disorder involved.
Sometimes it ends because it just isn't adding anything exciting to their life (compatibility comes down to being able to tolerate eachother for an extended period of time). Sometimes they will go on until death, often not.
Also, a book I cannot suggest enough is Mark Manson - Models
This book probably gave me more applicable advice about dating than any other source period. It is one of the most useful materials for self-improvement. Possibly the best dating advice to ever exist.
SURPRISE:
Eyes wide to see better. Mouth open to breath better in case of emergency physical action.
Touching the mouth is what's referred to an "adapter" or "pacifying behavior", an action that serves to calm us down after a negative or traumatizing experience.
The mouth and neck are two of the most touched areas during these types of behavior.
Source? This awesome book written by an FBI interviewer who watches for these behaviors during questioning to see what line of questioning is making the subject uncomfortable.
groan
It was cool for you to have hook-ups with her and boff her in the toilets, but since she did that stuff with other people too, it's...
You're right about the "it's my issue" part. Except... The "I'm a slut" bit sounds like (as you note a couple of times) low self-esteem, crossed with internalised cultural crap. A boyfriend who has also internalised shaming stuff about sex will not be helpful to her. It would probably help both of you to use this as an opportunity to grow a bit here. Promiscuity isn't for everybody, but with consenting adults, is there any reason it's a problem...? Probably not, except for the shaming. Which makes no sense, and which is more of a problem than anything that comes out of thoughtful promiscuity. I haven't read it but The Ethical Slut is very well-reviewed...
>I find solace in the fact she has never dated before
That's not really a loving/caring/mature slant on it. It would be one thing if she had not wanted to date; as is it almost sounds like her self-esteem is so far down she didn't see herself as somebody who could be another person's partner. That's a thing to grieve, really.
Dunno. If you don't want to love and care for the entirety of this person, it's probably not a good idea to half-ass it. But plenty of this relationship sounds promising; I'd work on it.
My $0.02 from personal experience. Prior to going into psychology, my previous line of work brought me to work with quite a few narcissists and a couple psychopaths. So the following is based on years of real world experience + my academic understanding of the topic. To answer your question, I'll compare some subtle differences in behavior.
 
Psychopaths: Their focus is "outward target focused" and getting what they want at all cost, even to the detriment of looking good even initially. Their behavior is more predatory, even from the very first impression. The name of the game is to find out as much information about you as possible to quickly assess if you're a good target and if so what your vulnerabilities are so they can manipulate you and proceed with their goals. They seek out a vulnerable target who is emotionally "weak" or lacking something in their life, do "recon" and get as much information as possible to find their angle, use flattery and slights to keep their target off-balance so they can control them and get what they want. In their initial assessment of you if they see that you're not giving them the information they need or that you're onto their game, you'll be too difficult and they will move on to an easier target. They won't waste their time.
What that looks like in real life:
First impressions with a psychopath: you feel a "bit off." You can't put your finger on why, but you feel a little weird and uncomfortable: it could be an initial awkward silence in them waiting for you to reveal things about yourself (recon), it could be the one-sided self-disclosure (them asking lot of questions about your life without them reciprocating on things like circle of friends, agreeableness, emotional state, your likes and dislikes), it could be the overt flattery playing to your ego and them trying too hard to be just like you, it may even be the very initial awkard non-verbal behavior (eye-contact / fake smile) as they are searching for visual cues on how to physically act / stand /or mimic your behavior to earn your trust. --> All this might make you feel like you can't trust them.
To add to this, though, quickly after, you'll observe them saying an odd phrase here or there that doesn't add up, a compliment followed by a slight directed at you or at someone else ( "Did they really said that??")... all meant to keep their target off balance and under their control. This inconsistent, flattery / insult behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and questioning yourself and also if they're a "good person." Since their main goal is not to look good but to manipulate their target, they don't care as much if they come across as likable if they can manipulate the power dynamic back into their favor.
TLDR: They don't care as much how they're being perceived, likeable or not, just as long as they get what they want, so appearing charming isn't a top goal, just part of the process.
 
Narcissists: Narcissists, in contrast, have a "self-centered focus," first and foremost, and manipulate people to get what they want second to that. They manipulate people by making themselves look good, keeping the focus on their successes, and by appealing to your sense of wanting to be in with the "cool kids." "I'm going to show you how awesome I am, and you're going to want to be just like me and work for / be friends with me and do what I say because I'm so cool." They're not going to manipulate you because they've studied you and assessed your weaknesses and are preying on your vulnerabilities, like the psychopath (=more calculated behavior). That would be taking away from the focus on them. They're going to manipulate you through showing you how great they are. And because narcissists are focused on themselves, they expect you will, too, (and you most likely will to avoid confrontation, initially) so this keeps them happy and... charming... longer. Narcissists will only lash out or exhibit ugly behavior if their ego is threatened, if the focus isn't on them, if they don't get their way, or if you get in their way.
What this looks like in real life, and why they might appear more charming longer: "Me, me, me!": Narcissists biggest focus is to look good and to keep the focus on them. As such, they know creating a good first likable impression is important so they will focus on dressing well, being well groomed, smiling, appearing pleasant, acting charming, inflating their accomplishments and their connections, and building a fabulous picture of who they are. This all makes them look charming and appeals to your sense of wanting to be in with the top dogs. Unlike psychopaths, they will talk a lot about themselves, both personally and professionally, and won't ask you hardly anything about you unless it relates to their goals. Unlike psychopaths, their focus is not trying to get information on you and figure out their angle. Their focus is on maintaining the appearance of their huge persona. To cultivate a larger than life image, they must form and maintain an entourage of beautiful and powerful people, and this requires that they act charming as much as possible.
Initially what might make you feel uncomfortable is how much they talk about themselves or how little they ask about you, and this throws your spidey sense off guard (makes you not trust them), but because you're not hearing them say horrible things to another person outright, they might seem charming longer.
TLDR: They care very much how they're being perceived. They want to be liked because that's how they create and maintain a grandiose sense of self, and being charming is an important part of this process. They won't get ugly until they absolutely have to. For all these reasons, they might appear charming longer.
 
Also, assessing what's going on in initial interactions with psychopaths or narcissists is based on awareness (or lack therof) and experience in dealing with them. For example, because I had worked with a bunch of both, I was much more attuned to the behavior and games each would play. Fellow younger grad student friends had knowledge from textbooks, but they lacked real world experience and what their behavior actually looked like in real life, so it was hard for them to see what type of manipulation was going on.
 
EDIT:
ARTICLES for those of you who asked me:
This Is How To Deal With Psychopaths And Toxic People: 5 Proven Secrets
(includes quotes by Martha Stout)
I like works by American psychologist, Martha Stout: served on clinical faculty at Harvard Med. School for 25 years and is the author of The Sociopath Nextdoor. I like her wording.
20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths Use To Silence You
7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship
I have a lot more resources on workplace bullying, etc. PM for more. :)
well shit man, you're gonna make me cry. I've had a relationship very similar to this and I have to say there is nothing really like it. However as special as you might think this person is; just remember that part of that emotion can also be nostalgia. When it comes to our needs and wants as human beings in relationships. We tend to overlook the negatives for the positives because (depending on how much abuse we are willing to deal with) sometimes those precious moments of mundane life can be just as powerful if not more powerful than the heartbreak dealt in it's absence.
To be honest; ever since I was a kid I has a romanticized view of women. That through trial and error I would meet "the one". Someone who brings the concept of "kindred spirits" to the next level. They get your sense of humour, they don't disappear or mock when you do stupid shit; they understand your aspirations and dreams; but more importantly they deeply understand inner workings of your pathos while bringing their own interesting perspective and pathos along with them. To make a sort of intermingling of emotions; like oil and water shaken up in a bottle intermingling but never a carbon copy of each other; only complimenting each other.
The sad reality however is that this shit doesn't really exist..
Don't get me wrong; you can find close to this if you are lucky which is what you probably found with the girl you are describing. However the older I get the more I realize that the concept of "oneitis" only hurts you in the long run. What turns from a 2 year relationship; might turn into 2 later years of mourning of that prior relationship due to the concept of how "special" or "unique" this girl is. I know this feeling deeply as i've dealt with it a couple of times. The truth is that these girls aren't actually that "unique" or "special".
Of course everyone is unique in their own way and there are no perfect copies of anyone. However when you start to date a large amount of women the "unique" traits; become less "unique" and more similar. People aren't as special as they make themselves out to be. We have similar molds and the girl you thought that was like no other; probably has millions of very similar copies. I know this is making me out to be like a dick; but i wouldn't write this novel if I wasn't trying to pass on some painful knowledge that I received from previous relationships if I didn't relate to your struggle.
This last piece of advice is even going to sound more asshole-ish/nihilistic, but the way I was back in my other relationships (and correct me if i'm wrong about yours because i hate to project incorrect psychological analysis). I would generally put the girl on a pedestal and value what made her happy more than what made me happy. This is what ended all of my relationships in horrible ways. From cheating to 1 week breakups to flat out insulting rejections; a large portion of putting these girls on pedestals was valuing them more than myself. This comes from a position of broken self-esteem. The moment I started having less attatchment to the females in my life and started living for myself. The more girls i started dating and guess what; if you want to ever meet a girl that's similar to the experience you had with your SO. Then you are going to have to play the numbers game and I mean quickly. When i say this I don't mean sleep with as many women as possible, but meet and become on friendly terms with as many people as you possibly can and then select the ones that you connect with the most. This will not only make your dating life way better; but it will change the way you view relationships. You wont be so desperate to latch onto a girl, because you wont see the girl as angelic saint diety goddess. However as a person with their own attributes, idiosyncrasies and flaws. This is one of the most singular things that has improved my life; and since you seem to have shared a similar relationship past with mine I just thought I would share it with you.
Anyways,
Whether you take my advice or not, man
I wish you peace, brother.
Also if you want to dive deeper into why women are more attracted when you are less attatched/emotionally responsive read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
It's PUA without being a complete narcissistic superficial dick.
Pce.
The Psychopath Test and The Sociopath Next Door both touch on the subject that many CEOs express psychopathic qualities or tendencies.
He's a sociopath. That's not an exaggeration. He fits the criteria for sociopath (feel free to annotate criteria with other examples)
[1] https://www.md-health.com/Sociopath-Traits.html
[2] The Sociopath Next Door https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767915828/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_vmTXBb2D1FDVD
[3] https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/donald-trump-christine-blasey-ford-testimony-maga-rally-response-60-minutes-interview-today-2018-10-14/
[4] https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-betrays-everyone-the-president-has-a-long-record-as-an-unpredictable-ally/2017/09/08/9cf64768-94a8-11e7-89fa-bb822a46da5b_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.dc7d95a65b28
[5] https://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2015/11/26/donald-trump-mocks-reporter-with-disability-berman-sot-ac.cnn
[6] https://www-m.cnn.com/2018/09/04/politics/woodward-book-trump-charlottesville/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F
[7] https://www-m.cnn.com/2018/08/25/politics/trump-sessions-twitter-timeline/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dtrump%2Btwitter%2Battacks%26form%3DAPIPH1%26PC%3DAPPL&rm=1
[8] https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/29/business/media/trump-mika-brzezinski-facelift.html
[9] https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/341896-trump-blames-obama-administration-for-allowing-russian-lawyer-in-us#main-content
[10] http://fortune.com/2018/08/05/trump-defend-don-jr-trump-tower-meeting/
In the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, the author Susan Cain shares and summarizes scientific studies that indeed prove you are born an introvert or extrovert.
A key difference between introversion and extroversion is that introverts recharge by spending time alone while extroverts recharge by socializing. While an unbalanced life or addiction to something can definitely be fuel for introversion, it doesn't cause it. I think the stress of daily life is what pushes many introverts to gaming or electronics in general since it's a way to recharge after your brain has been overstimulated for most of the day.
I have an anxious attachment style too, and initially I thought it was a bad thing. What I like about this theory is how non-judgmental it all is. Your needs are your needs. I NEED more security and validation from partners, so I NEED to look for someone who is capable of giving me that. Secures can do that, while avoidants cannot.
If this interests you at all, I HIGHLY recommend the book “Attached”
>He told me that he was tired of being walked all over by his family, friends, coworkers, etc and he wanted to get better at drawing a line in the sand.
Given his saying this, here's two resources he might find useful:
 
When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
 
>Since I’m pretty sure I know where the initial stomping out of any healthy notions of boundaries came from, I think it could be a big step for SO to take with her but I want SO to be the one who makes the decision for what he wants to do.
 
/u/madpiratebippy recommends these three books (comments are hers):
 
Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.
This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
 
Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Buck
is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
 
Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon.
Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
_____
I hope you & he find some or all of these helpful.
Milentless is likely to act out (shriek, scream, blame, gaslight, attempt to guilt and on & on) at the impostion of boundaries. Damaged personalities (like her) are largely incapable of acting like adults. She may be able to respond appropriately to reward & punishment (as a normal three-year-old might). Or not.
Since what she wants is more, More, MORE interaction & time, telling her very matter-of-factly that she's driven herself into timeout with her demands is worth trying (just expect her to throw herself on the floor & kick & scream, either metaphorically or actually).
SO needs to do this (his mother, not yours & she'll use any opportunity to blame you). He should be prepared for acting out & be as unmoved as an adult would be at a spoiled neighborhood three-year-old's screaming meltdown when told they have to stay out of your house, don't get to steal suckers & can't harass your pets.
MiLentless can like it or not. The more she screams the longer the timeout & it should increase geometrically: A week, two weeks, four weeks, eight weeks & so on. This progression conveys that you mean it & if she doesn't control herself she may bar herself from your lives until the youngest of your yet-to-be children completes graduate school (iow, forever).
If she learns to behave (snarky, passive aggressive behavior is disallowed & gets sanctioned just like the rest of her shit: immediately back in timeout or extending the existing one 2X) she may be able to spend some time around you.
She can be decent (YOUR definition) or she's done being in your lives. Completely up to her.
How to win friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie- About how to interact with people. Gave me a lot of insight into social dynamics and self-confidence in general.
What every body is saying - Joe Navarro, it's about body language. You would be surprised how much more information you can from people and optimize social dynamics integrating both of these books.
Atlas Shrugged - Ayn rand, gave me a whole new perspective on the value and meaning of work, liberty and freedom.
MRA: We've got problems, too! Let's fix the rules.
MGTOW: The rules suck, and I'm not playing.
Incel: The rules were specifically designed to screw me over!
Redpill: Feminism's version of men's rights + The Game = profit?
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, by Mark Manson
As a woman and feminist who read that book for funsies, I think it offers a lot of solid advice for men on how to gain confidence and a good mentality, and actual instructions for social interaction with women WITHOUT the ordinary PUA tricks and tropes. Can't be bothered to look up exact quotes right now, but his message is basically that "if you want to get laid, PUA tricks and games could potentially work on some women who are very insecure. If you want to maximize your happiness however, drop that shit and start making yourself and the women you meet truly happy -- which incidentally will also get you laid, and so much happier in the long run."
It sounds like you and your wife both use acts of service to say 'I love you', which can translate into unintentionally parenting behavior (especially when you have (three!) babies in the house. You both should read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts to better understand the way you each communicate with each other.
You may also find it helpful if you consider that she's not mothering you out of pity or the belief that you are incapable of adulting. Like someone already said, it's incredibly difficult to turn off 'parent mode', especially if taking care is her love language. When you get frustrated, remember that it's the two of you against the problem, not you against her.
In my experience, it really makes a difference to be clear about how you are feeling in situations like this instead of focusing on the other person's actions. You might want to take a breath and gently say, "I'm frustrated right now because I want to pull my share of the weight, and I feel like you are taking on too much. I love you and appreciate how much you do. Please let me do this so we can divvy up the work more evenly." This shifts the focus to how you feel about the situation instead of placing blame/attacking the other person (not your intent but she may have felt that way), reminds her that you are a team, and that you love her which is always nice to hear.
THIS! My fiance and I have been having a rough time matching my high libido to his very low one, so I started seducing him all the time. I went from making kind of subtle references that I was interested in sexing to just putting my hand on his junk and seeing if he was into it. That went wonderfully for the past few months, but then I was worried he wasn't wanting sex and he was just feeling obligated to do it, so I asked if he could try seducing me like he would a girl he'd just met. He did that the other night and I can't tell you how awesome the sex was.
Also, I know it sounds really shitty (I usually hate self-help books), but if your relationship is tripping up, try reading The 5 Love Languages. A friend recommended it and even though it's a bit religious-y at points, it's still an overall good book with great points.
Hey! Congrats on taking action for yourself! Even making a post is doing that!
Try using [this] (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) tool to browse for therapists near you. put in your zip code, a mile distance, and other issues to start.
While i'm more on the anxiety disorder side of things and less the mood disorder side like yourself, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is generally useful for many basic issues if you use it correctly, just try to stay away from Psychoanalysis if you can.
A book I would definitely reccomend is [Feeling Good] (https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336) by David Burns. It does sound self helpy and gimmicky, but it's not. It introduces you to the basics of CBT, cognitive distortions and evidence collecting excercises that you can do on your own or with help from a therapist.
Just know that MANY more people than you think deal with mental health issues. It's something like [1 in 5 in the U.S] (https://www.nami.org/learn-more/mental-health-by-the-numbers). It's my dream that within my lifetime we can see mental health hygiene policies be implemented by institutions and organizations throughout the country with the same depth and totality that toilets and handwashing were in the early 20th century.
Good luck! You aren't alone!
>Why do people keep separating logic and emotion?
They are two different things.
Emotions are simply you consciously noticing your body's physiological reaction to externally or internally generated stimulus, with the external being the world outside one's body, and internal consisting of thoughts or other intentional, and not necessarily conscious content. There is nothing else to it, emotions aren't a thing you have, they're a process you can consciously notice, and there's a huge difference with that consideration, in the logical/philosophical sense.
Neurophysiology ahead, skip to the TL;DR if you want =D.
Emotional response comes from sensory or internally generated information (other thoughts/feelings in this case) reaching the brain's emotional processing center, the Amygdala. From there, the Amygdala activates a number of other areas of the brain responsible for heart rate, adrenaline, digestion, dopamine, and others (vastly oversimplified for the purpose of this discussion). In the case of a fear response, you feel your heart rate rise, your feel your digestive system "seize" (pit of stomach), and your mouth go dry, as your sympathetic nervous system routes your body's resources to handle the threat. That, along with all the internally generated mental "what-ifs" (which might actually further raise the fear response), is being afraid.
If you've read this far, and can excuse the terse-talk, the main issue is that these emotional responses to stimuli come before we can consciously control them, because this stimuli is processed in emotional center before the thinking, "logical" parts of our brain, some parts of the "Association areas". We feel viscerally before we "know" what it is we're feeling, in the "meta" sense (the way we frame and explain our feelings to ourselves after the fact). This is actually a huge evolutionary advantage--this older "limbic" part of our brain is responsible for the fight-or-flight response, and in humans, or other higher animals (those with large cerebral cortices), is a "short-circuit" against the "higher areas" of the brain, to facilitate a faster reaction. When an animal sees something that resembles a predator, the worst thing it could do is think additionally about the dangerous stimulus. The safest bet is to get the hell out of there, or if it isn't possible, to fight.
The "logical" part, how we ought to interpret our reaction, necessarily comes after we notice our body's physiological (emotional) response to the situation, and from that, we can decide to inhibit it (in most non-pressing cases). For us humans, seeing a realistic fake tiger for instance, might raise our hackles for a second, but after the initial response (and no movement from the fake), we can logically inhibit the physiological response, in effect, "talking ourselves down". We can calm ourselves, after we've reasoned that the tiger isn't real, because we have the capacity to consider the emotion itself (unlike most animals), and whether or not it's appropriate.
TL;DR; Emotions are a short-circuited physical response to an internal/external stimulus you consciously "notice", and the "logic", (framing the emotion and acting on it) comes from mentally processing what you've noticed only afterwards. This is necessarily the case, by the brain's design.
Now, the part where this applies to SRS:
The problem is that in their philosophy, many of them believe that their emotional response is objectively valid to the situations discussed, that their emotions are objects in a sense (and not a process), that are as real to the world as anything else, and not just their brain's short-circuit, fastest approximation of the way they should possibly react to the discussion.
Ironically, the way some in SRS treat emotion as "objects", things they're sure they have, runs very contrary to their post-modern deconstructionist views of reality, where everything ought to be uncertain. They ignore the fallibility of their own emotional existence, often times with something like "I am definitely right, you are wrong because (appeal to emotion), and therefore a shitlord".
When one discusses a topic with SRS where there are shades of gray, many of them will cease trying, if at all, to look at the problem objectively. For many of them, at best, the topic hits close to home (abuse, rape, etc.), and at worst, for some of them, it's something that appeals negatively to them on a visceral level, because they're the antagonistic type, and SRS attracts these people specifically by design.
Once they've allowed the short-circuit, the fastest approximation, to dictate their responses and behavior (because these responses could be logically inhibited), there is nothing left to discuss.
[EDIT]
I should note, that this doesn't mean that emotion is just an superfluous mental appendage for the modern world, nor that the effects are subjectively unreal. They're real as hell to us from our own perspective, and savoring them, feeling what positive emotions do for us, and acting on them, is probably the pinnacle of the human experience.
Allowing them to negatively affect us, or shut us down from reality is where the problems start.
[EDIT2]
For anyone interested in the immediately useful to you, practical, observable effects of our brains being constructed this way, with the emotional response being a short-circuit which can be inhibited to some degree, read this book..
What Every BODY is Saying
It's written by an ex-FBI agent who dealt with suspect interviews, to teach people how to read body-language during situations where inhibition is difficult (stress/joy). It counts on the observed phenomenon that even when we have the ability to inhibit our short-circuit emotional response, there are still "tells" we can't hide, manifesting in observable body language. We can pretend to be outwardly happy on a sad day (inhibiting our emotions to a degree), but our body language (a product of the limbic system mentioned earlier) will reveal pretty much everything with sunken shoulders, shuffling feet, etc.
Also, Poker players intuitively rely on this fact every time they play, with subconscious tells like pupil dialation, bouncing "happy" feet and what not.
I understand the 'put my foot down' mentality you're going for, but from what you've written it comes off as coming from a place of insecurity. Yes you have to establish boundaries for what you consider to be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, but more importantly you have to recognize when you're doing things reactionarily to others or if you're truly acting out of self respect. The author Ayn Rand discusses this concept in Fountainhead,
>"Others dictated his convictions, which he did not hold, but he was satisfied that others believed he held them. Others were his motive power and his prime concern. He didn’t want to be great, but to be thought great. He didn’t want to build, but to be admired as a builder." Fountainhead Chapter IX, Part 4, pp. 605
Are you doing things to show others you have self-respect and boundaries, boundaries which are defined by reactions of others, or do you have self-defined boundaries developed out of self-respect.
I hope you'll take this as constructive criticism rather than an attack on your person.
Ok let's be real for a second. You were fairly invested in her and she didn't reciprocate. She sent some signals of disinterest that you picked up on 'acting distant and not making an effort to message me', then she sent a soft rejection, 'I'm busy' (I'm guessing she didn't propose another time by saying something like 'I'm busy but I can do this Saturday').
Because you were still invested in her, you pushed through the indicators and tried to get her to return investment in you by [demonstrating value] initiating conversation, cracking jokes and being nice. She didn't respond for a few weeks and then you 'put your foot down' and unfriended her. That's not establishing boundaries, that's acting reactionarily out of a place of insecurity.
Let's talk about what you could've done differently, and the underlying mindset behind what you did in comparison.
Here are a few books which I think may be helpful for you to read.
Subtle art of not giving a fuck
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
How to win friends and influence people seems to be the gold standard of self help books.
I don't know if I would recommend The Game for it's positives, merely because when you're constantly surrounded by a certain mindset, you do tend to pick up on those characteristics, especially when a lot of it can seem to be true, PUA works because it treats women as different, women have to be tricked into sex etc, and in highschool the opposite sex can seem like a different species, so on the surface PUA looks to be the truth, evo psych also looks nice (alpha, beta males etc) but when you delve into it, that's when you see the flaws.
The word filtering on the xkcd forum makes the conversations hilarious.
No More Mr. Nice Guy
This book has single-handedly and coupled with Models by Mark Manson changed my life in the shortest most dramatic ways possible that I couldn't have never imagined.
Woah dude. First you need to step back and do some reassessment of things in your life. It's possible you have some sort of clinical depression and if so, go to the doctor and work on it. Whether it's just talking through things or some medicine-- there's no shame in getting better, or having been sad, in the past, because we're leaving this behind us.
First we have to assess what your perceived problems are. Nothing wrong with having problems, only in not solving those problems. Fat-- there's a diet for that. Weak-- there's a workout for that. Ugly-- well you can't change your facial symmetry much but you can work on your style and haircut, your grooming. Poor-- there's capitalism for that. Family life not great-- well, you can't change who they are but you can change how you interact with them, you can take note of issues and learn how to make things better for your family one day.
Now, onto this female quagmire we seem to be sinking in. I've been exactly where you are, it lasted for about the time from maybe 8th grade to about when I was in 10th or 11th over one girl. Guess what-- it wasn't worth feeling like shit all the time. She wasn't worth my feeling like shit. No one is. She's a fine person but I mean, she's married to some creepy band director with a soul patch who's 12 years older than her while I'm clearly awesome now.
You seem to be going about this backwards. First, love really needs to be a mutual understanding between two parties for it to be love. If you think it feels bad(again, I'm speaking from experience) wait till you have that mutual understanding and the other party severs ties. It sucks, it hurts, I was in severely depressed for about a year(different girl from one in school) and beat myself up all the time, lost weight, gained weight, looked and felt bad. She wasn't worth it, again, she's a fine person but now she's... wait-- I don't even know what she's doing now because she's not worth my time and I don't give a fuck anymore. It's called perspective and it comes with age and experience and stepping back from the situation and evaluating things from outside of your emotions. You can do it, all you have to do is try.
See, the thing about women is, and this may not be the best way to phrase it, but it's about respect with them. They want a man(I'm assuming you're a guy) who they respect and who others, friends and general public also respect. To get said respect you must first respect yourself. Not in a narcissistic sense, but a healthy self-esteem.
So take a step back and assess yourself and life. There's going to be some weak spots or things you're not happy with-- everyone has those-- but you're going to target the ones you can do something about and you're going to improve them.
There's going to be some really good qualities and aspects about your person as well. You're probably pretty intelligent-- congratulations. You have a skill or quality that a lot of other people don't-- congratulations. Relish in these things, they're what make you you. These are why you're not going to be depressed anymore. Sharpen and hone them into the weapons you use everyday to make life and the world your bitch. You are now a one man army out to conquer the world and the things in it you want to achieve.
So just forget about this girl for a little while and just focus on yourself, no one else will focus on you until you do. I know it seems weird but it's true. You think Obama or Teddy Roosevelt got elected feeling bad about themselves? Think Clooney goes home everyday and says "I'm attractive enough but Batman & Robin was terrible?" No, look at his list of romantic endeavors. That comes from sure, his looks, but because he believed in himself head out to Hollywood and casting rooms and work his way to the top. He had a goal and he worked towards it, he made it his bitch. He had confidence and believed in himself, then other believed in him and his abilities.
So, for the next month, and this won't be easy, forget about this girl. Stop wasting time on her. That's what every moment you spend thinking about her, but not acting on it is, wasted time. First of all, she may be breathtaking-- but guess what-- there's idk, a million other women on earth who are on par with her. They're out there whether you know it or not. So, she's probably a nice person-- but she's not the only one out there.
While you're not thinking about her this next month you're going to focus on yourself. You're going to asses your strengths and witnesses, what you genuinely like about yourself and what you would like to improve upon. Then you're going to physically write down a plan of action on how to sharpen all of these strengths and witnesses. Nothings going to just fall in your lap. It takes a concerted effort.
If you still want to think about it from the aspect of a breathtaking girl-- make a plan to become the man she deserves, the man who takes her breath away. A breath taking girl needs a strong, secure man right? You don't want people saying "Wow, how did he score her?" you want them looking and saying "That makes sense."
But don't focus one any one girl, just focus on the idea of the girl you want to be with. A companion worthy of your love and commitment. That's who you're doing this for, this yet unknown beauty-- but most of all you're doing this for yourself. You are all you really have in life right?
Try and think about it from a female perspective. What do you think is more attractive. A nice, sweet guy, who says "Look, I'm a nice person, and, I don't really deserve you, you're way out of my league, you're so pretty and I'm really not, but, I promise I'll love you and treat you right, if you just choose me." I've been this guy before. Or, do you think a girl would more likely choose a guy who said "I can have get any girl I want, just by the virtue of being a guy who works for what he wants, and out of all of these women I could date-- I'm choosing you"
What's funny is, and I know from personal experience this really happens. As soon as you start focusing on the things you want out of life. The person you are and want to become. You start doing the things to get you there and you stop worrying about getting one particular girl. Women will take notice of you. If you always pass this girl during the day at school or work and you kind of almost cower in her presence, blush, have a look on your face like "I'm not worthy" it's easy and no fun for her. Sure, it's flattering, but there's no thrill or chase in it for the girl. Instead walk by with your head high. Maybe you don't even notice her really because you're busy and got shit to do. This is much more interesting to a beautiful girl than someone just fawning over her. "Hmmm. He seems really driven. I wonder what he's working on. Did he notice me? I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty. This guy is definitely interesting, he just seemed like he knew his place in the world and where he's going. It might be fun to talk to him and see why he's so seems so sure"
The second one is what we're going for. It's a game man, just have fun. Make it fun for the girls. Don't give them everything right out of the box. Add some spark, some mystery. Keep her guessing if you like her, if you think she's pretty, be spontaneous "What is this crazy guy going to say next that makes he snort when I laugh"
A lot of people probably read your comment and rolled their eyes. Some because they can't relate, some because like me, they cringed because they knew the exact pain and inner turmoil you feel every day when this happens.
I wrote this whole thing, which I hope is cogent(I've been up for 23 hours) not because you deserve it. Not because I owe it to you because you're a nice guy. If you think like that you'll just keep getting ignored and run over. I wrote this because I was you. Life is just what you make it. You can focus on the shitty stuff or you can focus on achieving the things you want in life and becoming the kind of guy you respect in the world-- and have fun while doing it.
Read this. http://i.imgur.com/1cYyZ.jpg
Check out this book. http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 It opened my eyes up to a lot of stuff and I've been passing it around to my friends as well. If you want you can PM me you're address and I'll mail you a copy, just because I'm an amazing person like that.
There's a lot of subreddit's which may help you out. There's /r/Fitness if you want to get in shape. There's subreddits for educating yourself on all sorts of topics and improving your life. As far as women go you can check out /r/seduction, I know it sounds a little brash if you've never heard of it. But really it's mainly about respecting yourself, fixing the way you see the world and becoming a guy that women are attracted too.
You don't have to be sad anymore man, trust me.
Ok, lassen wir das wieso, weshalb warum mal außen vor da Du schon deine Entscheidung getroffen hast. Ich habe selber nur eine Erfahrung, aber ich habe viel mit den Damen und Herren aus dem Milieu zu tun gehabt. Lass mich einen Vorschlag zur Güte machen, finde eine Möglichkeit eine Escort zu dir kommen zu lassen, ggf. in die sturmfreie Bude von einer deiner Freunde. Sag am Telefon explizit das Du Jungfrau bist und Du eine Dame haben möchtest die auf so eine Nummer wirklich Bock hat, investiere mehr Geld = mehr Zeit. Weil: Du beschreibst dich als schüchtern und die Situation in einem Bordell ist beim Erstkontakt selbst für gestandene Männer eine eher ungewohnte Situation. Viele sind nervös, gestresst und fühlen sich unwohl. Insgesamt kein guter Rahmen um die notwendige Entspannung zu entwickeln die für guten Sex notwendig ist. Vor allem vor dem Hintergrund das bei dir ein weitere Stressor (Jungfäulichkeit) hinzukommt. Resultiert darin das Du entweder keinen hoch bekommst, oder super schnell kommst. Daher ist auch eine Dame wichtig die sich Zeit für dich nimmt und sich auf deine Situation einlässt. Dinge wie gemeinsames Duschen und Massage schaffen eine entspannte Atmosphäre, danach ausgiebiges Vorspiel und 1-2 Verkehr.
Viel Erfolg!
Edit: Da Du noch relativ jung bist, arbeite an dir selbst, es gibt zwei Bücher die ich dir nahelegen kann:
https://www.amazon.de/Die-S%C3%A4ulen-Selbstwertgef%C3%BChls-Erfolgreich-zufrieden/dp/3492263968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483880311&sr=8-1&keywords=sechs+s%C3%A4ulen+des+selbstwertgef%C3%BChls
https://www.amazon.de/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483880318&sr=8-1&keywords=models
Lass dich nicht von den Rezensionen vom 2 Buch irritieren, es ist in dem Sinne kein "Pickup" Buch. Es geht darum wie man an sich arbeitet um einen selbstsicheren und attraktiven Lebensstil zu entwickeln.
I'd recommend you take a look at adult attachment theory. I read this and it drastically changed my views on relationship needs, jealousy included.
Basically, you'll find that jealousy is a "panic mode" reaction (there are plenty of others) that can be quelled if you are pro-active with your partner. It's easiest to pre-empt the feeling by realizing you're feeling insecure, and addressing that with your partner ahead of time, before the jealousy sinks in.
Even once it's set in, you're effectively just looking for safety. Just ask for a hug, kiss, reassurance, whatever from your partner, and that intimacy will likely help to "reset" you to your normal state. Your partner will hopefully be communicative and open enough to help you there.
The important part is to address it calmly, and lovingly, instead of putting blame on your partner and yelling at them. Tell your partner you are upset, and need some love/reassurance. I'd be willing to bet once you both have some kind of intimate moment, you'll go right back to being fine.
tl dr; Jealousy isn't a bad thing in itself; it's a reaction to your relationship needs going unfulfilled in some manner, which can be calmed by good communication and reassurance between your partner and you.
PS: for any folks interested in learning about polyamory (you know, for science) check out The Ethical Slut.
EDIT: Healthy (pre-established) polyamory between consenting adults. Ditto on the responsibility: keep those kids your number one priority.
This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.
I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.
After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.
After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.
From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.
Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.
Hope it helps.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
But you seem to know most of that already.
You can actually use your natural altruism to justify a more realistic and self-concerned approach when you realise that boldness, confidence and assertiveness are gifts you give others not just yourself.
There are several books of this type, but the best is called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman is a Christian, but it's solid counsel for anyone in a relationship.
It isn't wrong to be kind - just be kind to everyone! :)
You start to push the "nice guy" barrier when you expect people to let you in their pants as a reward for your "kindness". Be kinda because you enjoy it, not because you expect some sort of reaction from others.
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" seems to be recommended around Reddit a lot. Might be worth a read.
If you're serious about learning small talk, just read this book: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034
And if you want to better your relationships w/ your spouse, and even close friends, read this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
It's a book by pick up artist, Neil Strauss. It's basically a 'how to' book in the style of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" Except it's about, you know, how to be a dick and manipulate women.
I know that this probably gets thrown on here a lot, but have you ever read the book "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts"? It has done wonders for my marriage, especially helping me understand the emotional euphoria that first comes with dating, and then slowly disappears, which so many of us classify as love. Don't buy into the lies that Rom Com's and TV shows portray as love because even the best marriages have times where they don't feel like being with the other person. I do not think you are a bad or horrible person for feeling this way, but I do think it would be horribly tragic for you to get a divorce, ultimately to discover that no human could ever satisfy this emotional euphoria you desire for an extended period of time, no one.
Read this book! It is not about becoming a dick to others but learning to stand up for yourself
​
No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
​
"Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
This is what I came here to find/post. Second date is a fine time to tell you about an open relationship/polyamory. If she is up-front and honest about it and you are as well, it'll probably turn out well. For a good book to read through on the topic, I recommend "The Ethical Slut" (http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379).
-This is just traditional advice, but it says a lot about whether a man respects women: pay attention to how he treats his mother. Does he respect her? Does he look up to her? Those are some good signs. EDIT: y'all I did not mean for this to come across like I think it applies in every case. I don't even know about most cases. But based on my own experience, I think it's a good thing to pay attention to.
-How does he talk about his ex girlfriends? Are they all ~crazy~ or ~bitches~ in his mind? RED FLAG
-If a man says he's a feminist, know that this doesn't mean anything. Wait until he shows that he's feminist in his actions. I once dated an incredibly abusive guy who stalked me after we broke up, but often claimed to be "the most feminist guy he knew" LOL
-Ask him his opinion about feminist issues that are close to you. What does he think about the wage gap? Prostitution? Pornography?(I think it's very hard to find men who aren't flat-out addicted to porn which takes a toll on a relationship, especially if you're anti-porn.) It's not a deal-breaker if he doesn't agree with you 100%, but it's probably a red flag if you find that it's hard to have a rational conversation.
-Finally, I recommend that all straight women read stuff on "pick-up culture" and "game" to identify when men are trying to manipulate you. Reading some of the how-to-manuals for douche-bags can help you identify them. The whole culture is pretty misogynistic. Here's one example: https://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738
NAH - You're clearly not the asshole. However, rather than calling your husband the asshole, I think this may just be mismatched expectations and ways of expressing yourselves. Specifically, check out the concept of the 5 Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X). You don't need to buy the book, as there are articles out there that explain it well enough. The 5 are words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Considering the amount of effort you put into gifts/party for him, it might be because gifts/acts of service are important ways you show him love, so when they're not returned in that way, you're hurt. He might be showing you love in other ways that are more important to him.
Sounds like you have a value problem. If you knew your true worth, you wouldn't behave like this. Like, if you were made out of pure win, everything you did won, and you always had success... how would you approach it then?
Do that and don't apologize for it. Nobody else is.
Listen to this: Jim Rohn - Learn These Skills Or Have a Mediocre Life
Read this: No More Mr. Nice Guy
Ask questions about them here if you'd like. But you need to start by realizing your intrinsic value. Sounds like somebody else (likely in childhood) convinced you different and so now here we are.
You're not asking this because you're an introvert. You're asking this because you don't feel you have real value. Also, it's likely that contributes to your introverted tendencies. The book above will really help with this.
Also, it's not anxiety you have, it's more likely that it's embarrassment. You're embarrassed that somebody else will think poorly of you. That's because you're letting them determine your worth. Get a grip on your own value and that will help you more than anything.
10/10. I'm going to stamp this as perfect for dealing with her. As for yourself, I'll recommend this book, and some advice.
Here's how you do this so that you move on faster, quicker, and stronger. I'm here to tell you how to make the best for yourself in the long run, I'm not here to tell you the things that you want to hear (e.g. that the relationship isn't fucked). You're only 24 son, this is ok, and everyone eventually goes through this shitty situation.
Breakup with her now and cut her off from being in your life, make sure all signs point to the fact that you are doing awesome (fake it when things aren't going well, because there are times your brain is going to tell you that everything is completely fucked and try to get you to do something stupid). If you wait, it means more heartbreak for you, and your brain is going to come against you in rejection and you could make the process last so much longer as your brain tries to figure out the why she broke up with you (some guys stay in this stage of depression for 6 months to even years and their ego never recovers). If you breakup with her, then you have the reason to latch onto for your brains sake (she cheated, therefore breakup) and you won't over think things which is half the battle of a breakup (and you can avoid the Long-term depression which is a battle you don't want). The most important point is going to come when you realize that you are the only person who can make yourself happy. You must do whatever you want for yourself right now. You can't expect anyone else to make you happy. You can't try to help others and expect them to do something for you down the road, right now you have to be 100% selfish. You lost yourself in this relationship and right now you need to completely reassess who you want to be, and go be it.
She's going to go to the other guy for support, and eventually things are going to go bad for them (a girl who cheats with someone, will probably -not always- cheat on that someone). She'll come back to you and you'll be able to have some fun, but don't get back into anything, it probably won't work. She'll regret cheating on you, and that's the important part, because now she respects you again (also, you've taught her a valuable lesson as an added bonus and she'll be a better person for it). If you take her back, she'll never respect you, but more importantly, you'll lose your respect for yourself. Self-respect is the only thing you can have for yourself as a man, it is the end-all-be-all. Without self-respect, your life will be a continuing string of disappointment in others, with self-respect comes the life you wanted because you earned it for yourself. Go splash some cold water on your face and accept the fact that it's over. Go over and tell her that you're breaking up with her because she cheated, and then don't listen to a word she says. Right now you're scared of losing something, and that's understandable, but we lose everything we get in this life, and this is just another part of it. That's why I'm giving you this advice. I'm telling you what you can't see because of your fear of losing something. What I'm telling you is that this is the beginning of one of the best parts of your life.
You will never be this free again.
Hi! Woman here. You are definitely not ugly. On the plus side, you aren't fat, full head of hair, well trimmed beard, symmetric face, good teeth - lots of good stuff!
Women aren't as superficial as guys on Reddit think they are - but awkwardness and perceived creepiness can be a real problem. Most of the dudes on Reddit who are super bitter about getting girls don't realize that being super bitter sends bad signals.
Have you seen or read this book?
https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
Mark has great stuff on how to improve your chances of getting girls in a real way.
Fellow introvert, this book changed my life. Definitely should read it.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307352153/
The winter months are especially hard. People say this ad nauseum, but start exercising. That could be hitting the gym or just going for a morning jog. Depending where you live, try and go for daily walks too. I started consistently exercising about two years ago and it helps me a lot.
For overall mental health, if you feel life is getting to be a bit much, maybe look into seeing a therapist. They can help give you tools to overcome certain emotions you are feeling and help identify things that arise. Other routes are meditation,. I used to pay for Headspace and highly recommend it, but plenty of free stuff out there too. Lastly, consider looking into self-help books. This genre gets eye rolls from time to time, but I've found a few books that have helped me understand my mental and emotional health. I recommend Feeling Good as a good place to start.
Regarding the loss of a girlfriend, everyone tackles that differently. Dating in DC is brutal, but when I was actively in the online dating scene, it was a lot of fun. I went in with no expectations, a positive attitude, and I met a lot of interesting women. Sometimes we'd date for awhile, other times it would fizzle out, and a few times I've made genuine friends. In the end, online dating was more about self discovery of what I really look for in a partner.
As for friends, check out the weekly Reddit happy hour. It would be a low pressure option to meet new people.
Overall, whatever you choose to do, there is no magic bullet and it's better to take an overall holistic approach to improving your situation.
It sounds you like you have a lot of issues that simply dressing better won't fix. I'd first of suggest cognitive therapy. It sounds you like you have a lot of negative self talk, and working on changing that will go a long way to feeling better about yourself. I highly recommend the book Feeling Good which deals with this, as well as the website MoodGym. It's really good that you're asking for advice, because it shows a willingness to work on yourself. It's hard work to change your thought patterns, but it can be done.
That being said, dressing better is one piece of the puzzle that will help. Since I started paying attention to how I dress, it's one less thing that's on my mind. I know I dress well, and that gives me more confidence. It is just one piece of it though, and won't solve everything. Have you read the side bars and all the guides? There's a wealth of info here and it's kind of hard to just tell you what you need to do since it's so general.
Good luck man.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
This book is based on the principles of cognitive-behavioral therapy, one of the most prominent evidence-based treatments for psychological disturbances ranging from low self-esteem to schizophrenia.
Read this book. It's awesome and will change your life for the better.
Seriously.
A few things I've learned that help...
​
1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.
- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.
2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.
- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!
3.) Read Codependent No More
4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.
- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!
5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!
6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.
- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.
​
*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!
​
Much love to you! ❤️
Remember the greatest gift you can give her is the boundaries and space to discover that she is enough on her own.
[Codependent No More](codependent no more: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5gXxCbVN1W5AG) . This book changed my life and my approach to relationships.
Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by, Robert A. Glover.
In case people don't know what you are talking about
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
It's an interesting read, my wife and I read it before we got married.
> I have practically no social connections. Never kissed, never dated.
Join clubs (sporting, coding clubs, chess, gaming - whatever). They are a great way to meet new people and you don't have to keep going if you don't want to. Nothing to lose.
> My dad said if I didn't get a job soon, he'd kick me out. ... I applied to Safeway, McDonalds, Burger King, Dairy Queen and Taco Bell. NONE of them hired me.
Volunteer for charity organisations. It will get you back out into a working environment, fill a gap in the resume and may provide some character references. Working with other people should also improve your self esteem.
> I don't like going on Facebook because I get to see how successful all my friends are, and how they all grew up, doing all these extraordinary things.
That should be your motivation. When you see those pictures and status updates, you should be thinking - I want that. What can I do right now to get me closer to that?
> I posted to 4chan about my pathetic life and they all told me to kill myself.
Don't post (or read) 4chan. It's a cesspool of human suffering.
> I always dreamed of being a successful game programmer but I am too lazy to even do that.
Have you done much programming? if not - /r/learnprogramming
> I don't know what else to do.
At the moment, you seem to be in a stage of self-pity. Stop. It's not going to help. So, you didn't get hired by McDonalds. Big whoop! Look at where you are and do what you can right now. You don't want to be looking back in one, two, five years time thinking "if only I had started earlier".
Finally, good luck. Life can be tough. Don't let it pass you by.
I expect to get downvoted into oblivion for this, but I don't care, you need to hear this.
Man the fuck up. Seriously. Man the fuck up. You sound like a wingey little kid. You're 25 for christ's sake, start acting like it. Yeah, things aren't working out for you. So what? You sound like a classic example of someone who lets his past failures hold him back.
Take a bit of responsibility for your life and stop letting minor setbacks ruin you. Your internship fell through? Big whoop, go find another one. Your letters of recommendation didnt get written? Did you chase them up? If someone says they'll do something for you, and they don't do it, you kick their arse, annoy the shit out of them, until they do. if you can't get the job you want, then you're doing something wrong. Don't blame the job, blame yourself. Either you don't have the necessary skills, or you're not marketing yourself in the right way.
>Within a year, I expect to be dead by my own hand, the victim of one too many misfortunes.
Get fucked! You seem to think that the world owes you a fair go, that if you wait around long enough someone will take you by the hand and solve all your problems for you. Aint gonna happen, that's not the way the world works. People go through a lot of shit, but you've gotta weed through the shit and find the good parts. You don't like your family? Move out. Move to a different town. Hell, I moved to a different country. Can't find the job you want? Like I said, either you're aiming too high or you're not presenting yourself in the right way. Judging from this:
>Most companies to whom I send resumes don't even read the cover letter before sending me a form letter saying that I'm not a good fit for their position or deleting it entirely
It sounds like you THINK you've got the necessary skills for a job, but aren't getting it because employers have some sort of unanimous grudge against you. Yeah, right. Either your cover letters are crap, or your resume is crap, or you're underqualified. There are plenty of places/people that will read over your resume and cover letters and give you feedback on how to get an interview.
>I do not expect to have children, even if I should manage to survive until then--doing so would require finding one person who gives a shit about me personally
Wow, you really seem like a barrel of laughs mate. Read The Game, join your local lair, make some friends and get laid. I head your pessimistic mind saying "No, that's a waste of time, people just don't like me and blahblahblah". Yeah, you're probably right. So change, and the world will start to treat you better.
Get your shit together man. No one's gonna do it for you, you have to take responsibility for your life and for the path that you're taking. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always been getting. I'm gonna say that again so it sinks in a bit:
If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always been getting.
So man the fuck up. Rather than having a boo-hoo-look-at-me-my-life-is-so-horrible-and-hard-and-no-one-understaaaaands pity party, try changing a few things about yourself. Be more positive, stop talking about depressing things. The more you talk about your problems, the more "real" they seem.
If life kicks you in the face, get the fuck up and kick it in the balls.
Being in the work force for 10 years I can say I started out that way too. At 18 I joined the Marines and to be honest, as an introvert, its not the place to be if you're really quiet. No man's an island and if you are the type that isolates yourself then the other guys are going to try break you off real quick. I had plenty of people pick on me and vote me in for the shittiest details for my first 6 months.. all because I was a "nice guy" and couldn't assert myself. It ended when someone finally pushed me to my limits and I stood up for myself (and a bit of help from underaged drinking). That moment I realized for a socially awkward introvert to make it in a heavily social work setting you're going to have to make an effort to take control of your environment.
Now, I'm not defending your coworkers attitudes because they sound pretty childish, but if you're making the workplace uncomfortable in such a way by being closed off I can see why your coworkers would lash out at you. My simple strategy in new work places is this, put yourself out there the moment you step in the door. Are you greeting people in mornings? If not then you should because it's the quickest ice breaker. Don't just make a B line straight to your desk and be in your own world. I try to pick up on other people's interests and bullshit with people every now and then, it's fake and its exhausting but there isn't a way around it until you move up the ladder a bit more. But even then as a supervisor you still want to be someone who is approachable so others can ask you for help, which means you'll need to be able to relate and open up conversations.
There are dicks in every workplace so switching offices may or may not really be that beneficial. You can keep moving around to find something that completely suites your personality (which is nice for short term but I guarantee it will never be permanent) or you can become someone who owns their environment and make any social situation work out in their favor.
Also, this book helped me understand my own temperament more when it comes to social work settings as well as tips for dealing with an extroverted work environment.
Highly recommend Codependent No More if you have never read it, great book for the non-addicted partner in a relationship harmed by addiction.
Highly recommend Al-anon.
These resources are a starting point to help you take back some control of the only thing you can control: your own decisions. You know how you want him to stop making excuses and attack his addiction with real treatment? You need to do the same, attack your acceptance of this and your coping strategies that seek to pick up the slack, enable, smooth things over, negotiate, etc.
You owe it to your child and yourself to work on these issues regardless of what he does. You can't negotiate him into change, you can't force him to change, you can't control things enough to make him change, you can't make change easy enough to where he magically changes. The only thing you can control is you, and that's scary and hard enough.
Read Models. Best money you ever spent.
https://www.amazon.ca/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
Talk to her about it before giving into her request.
You need to figure this out, as you have some well justified insecurities about it (seeing your SO enjoy someone more than they seemingly ever enjoyed you would be devastating).
Sex isn't a defining part of a relationship, but it is a critical one for the most part. If you didn't enjoy the experience you should think about it and discuss it with her.
I keep telling people to read this book when it comes to non-monogamous things in relationships. I think you would benefit from doing so as it would make it easier to understand your feelings and to articulate them and your concerns to your SO.
You need to stall or delay or straight up tell her what you've said here:
>I don't want to make this part of our normal repertoire
You can look into it more, but if you don't want this to be a normal thing you shouldn't let it become one.
I saw Ronson on C-SPAN back then, and it was like he was describing my brother. I read his book, and many others, and sooo many mysteries of my life were explained. It turns out my mother was a psychopath, and two of my siblings inherited it from her. Growing up in a family of psychopaths caused me to think they were the normal ones. And, so, I ended up marrying one. That's all in the past now.
My standard elevator talk about the danger of psychopaths:
(Recommended references are at the end.)
-- I am on a mission to expose the reality of psychopaths. Like David Vincent on the old TV show The Invaders, I know there are predators among us. Like on the show, many people I talk to can't fathom their existence.
-- The words psychopath and sociopath are synonymous today.
Disparate avenues of research came to be understood to have the same subject. (The so-called "official" name, anti-social personality disorder, in DSM-5 is so vague it's meaningless.) The originator of the clinical test for the condition prefers psychopath, and this is what I will use. Also, see the first paragraph of the fifth reference.
-- Psychopathy is a brain defect.
It is not treatable. Their brains are not wired to see humans as anything besides objects to exploit. Their amygdala, the area of the brain that processes emotions, does not function as in a normal brain. That is why they feel no emotions or empathy, although many learn to fake these when it benefits them. (There is also a controversial hypothesis that their mirror neurons are inoperative.) Surprisingly, at least to me, this defect comes with two effects:
-- Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissistic.
This is easy to understand because, to themselves, they are the only conscious being on Earth. They are the only thing that really matters. Everything and everyone are merely props in their world.
-- Psychopaths are not crazy.
Imagine being fully rational but without the burden of emotions like guilt, remorse, or shame, and without the chains of ethics, morals, or compassion. ("burden" and "chains" would be their words, not mine. They would say, "Only chumps follow the rules or give a shit.") They know what they're doing, and have to avoid being caught. Hence, they do their thing secretively, and behind peoples' backs. They will also distract and deflect attention away from their actions by blaming others, "throwing grenades," sabotaging or otherwise neutralizing anyone they regard as threats, and sowing doubt and distrust. But to your face, many are charming and disarming. One fascinating trait is their insistence on never being wrong or held accountable. This is a ploy for avoiding suspicion, and this is when their lying becomes truly bewildering.
-- But psychopaths are lazy
To a psychopath, life is a con on humans. Their goal is to acquire whatever drives them with the least effort. They learn early how to appear productive and hard-working, but it is usually superficial. They are the ultimate brown-nosers and flatterers since this helps get ahead, disguise their actions, and defend against peers' accusations of misdeeds. They are notorious for taking credit for other people's work. My favorite ploy is when they have to produce results or make a decision for which they have no idea, they will temporize in an effort to appear smart, and try to bluff their way till a meeting ends. (This last one is not limited to psychopaths, of course. But they are consummate posers.)
-- Tips for identifying a psychopath
(These are meant to help cold-read a suspected psychopath, not to substitute for more extensive analysis, such as presented in the recommended readings. They are based on 50+ years of experience living intimately with psychopaths.)
-- A psychopath uses tactics common to salespersons to manipulate you.
This is because these tactics work. This specific problem is not with psychopaths (or salespersons!), but with us. It's human nature to believe people are trustworthy, to believe flattery, to question our own eyes when presented with disturbing evidence -- in other words, to be easy marks.
-- It is estimated that at least 1 in 100 is a psychopath.
That's over 3 million in the US. The percentage is higher in certain fields, such as politics and finance, that attract the psychopath. Seemingly, they pursue the Big Three: money, power, sex. (Why? With no real connection to humankind, and devoid of morals, these are aspects of life that can be easily taken and enjoyed.) Educate yourself on psychopathy because the odds are good one or more of them are fucking up your life.
-- Here are some books I used on my journey to discovery of the malevolent influence of psychopaths in my own life.
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us
Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work
Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight
The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry
The Inner World of the Psychopath: A definitive primer on the psychopathic personality
The Sociopath Next Door
The Wisdom of Psychopaths
The first two books are written by Dr. Robert Hare. He developed the clinical test for psychopathy that is the subject of the fourth book (which is an entertaining, yet disturbing, read).
> I wanna do something simple and nice for my boyfriend
Are you familiar with the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?
It suggests that each man and woman has a "love language" that speaks more to them,
one of these five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
So each person in a couple could think about what is theirs, and let the other person know. For example, if a woman's "love language" is words of affirmation, she would consider a gift a nice gesture, but she'd rather hear the words of affirmation more often. If her husband is giving her plenty of gifts, she may still not feel loved.
A person sometimes expresses their own desired love language to their partner, assuming their partner has the same. So the woman may give her husband lots of words of affirmation, when really he is starved for some physical touch. If she learns what actually speaks to him, she can then express love in his desired form.
So, OP, consider or ask your boyfriend which of those five sorts of things would he most think shows your care for him. And while you're at it, let him know what most appeals to you.
I'd strongly suggest picking up a copy of Models for your buddy. The book tends to be honest, insightful, and offer lots of actionable advice for building a romantic connection.
Hey OP, if you username wasn’t a flag on its own, your post history certainly is. Given that you were recently asking about guns, I don’t think it’s wise for strangers to be opening their homes to you.
As someone who has struggled from extreme depression, I have some idea of the pain you are feeling. Before you make any big decisions, I need you to pick up a copy of Feeling Good by David Burns. It’s free with a library card in the LA Public Library system. Get the Libby app and have it the audiobook read to you on your phone.
That book uses a principle known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it’s effective and fast-acting.
Do your parents know you’re suicidal?
What Every BODY Is Saying
Read this book and other body language books.
When you walk, walk with your shoulders.
Take up as much space as possible while sitting or standing.
Hands on your hips (power pose).
I avoid things like crossing my arms, hands in my pockets, and never ever have your head hanging low, or looking at the ground. Always keep your chin up slightly, never break eye contact first, etc.
These things alone have had customers at work assume I was the boss there. It's like magic.
EDIT: Also when talking, speak slowly, with calmness, and use a deep voice. Don't be afraid to pause before speaking as taking a couple seconds to contemplate on what to say is natural.
Ahh one of the problems young men face in today's society, the absence of a rite of passage. That sounds similar to what you're looking for; this article touches on it a bit.
> At the heart of the modern crisis of manhood is the extension of adolescence, a boyhood which is stretching on for a longer and longer period of time. Once thought to end in a man’s 20s at the latest, men are extending their adolescence into their 30′s and in some especially sad cases, their 40′s.
>But in some ways it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of a culture in which rites of passage have all but disappeared, leaving men adrift and lost, never sure when and if they’ve become men. Today’s men lack a community of males to initiate them into manhood and to recognize their new status.
>Across time and place, cultures have inherently understood that without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely. Thus, rites of passage were clearly delineated in nearly every culture as one of the community’s most important rituals.
I'm not sure of a suitable challenge or hardship for you, that's something that only you can decide. There's a few simple tasks that if done daily can improve your life.
I'll start with the easy stuff:
Fitness:
1.) Start Weightlifting
You're 18 years old and in relatively good shape i'm assuming ("biked through some mountainous canadian villages,"). There's literally no reason for you not to weightlift or run.
Weightlifting:
Here are few progress pics from /r/Fitness : [1] [2] [3]
Please tell me you'll start weightlifting or at least running; time will pass whether or not you lift, best to make gains along the way :)
Find a powerlifting gym in your area (they're generally cheaper than commercial gyms, allow you to grunt, use chalk, and actually lift heavy weight)
Meditate:
Start to meditate everyday.
>Benefits to meditation
>Like exercise, your benefits will depend on your efforts.
>Greater mental abilities as the mind concentrates with greater ease and there is less restless thought happening.
>Greater insights into your own behavior and that of others, so the ability to live with less regret happens.
>Greater physical abilities as the awareness of the body is increased, as well as the ability to visualize--if that is your objective.
>Greater emotional clarity as one learns to deal with and release difficult emotions.
>A greater feeling of contentment and oneness with life as the obstructions in the mind recede.
Philosophy:
Begin to read and study philosophy.
Good Introductory Books are:
One really good lecture series on ethics:
Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do? Episode 01 "THE MORAL SIDE OF MURDER"
Social Skills:
Go out and meet knew people, fool around with girls, talk to strangers, etc. Try to stay away from the computer as much as possible.
All have some damn good articles and posts on body language, self-confidence, etc... that'll make you a lot more confident in social situations if you go out and practice; talking to a human, whether it's a boss or a cute girl on the street, is a learn-able skill that can be improved.
Read How to Make Friends & Influence People. The title is not the best but it's a classic book and insanely useful.
Read:
Delete your Reddit account, stop watching television, and read.
Read Plato, Marcus Aurelius, Camus, Thoreau, and Orwell. Read Rumi, Kahlil Gibran, and Keats. Read old english, sci-fi, old fantasy novels, etc.
A few lists:
Reddit's Favorite Books
Benefits of reading:
Create something:
Whether you write stories, music, or draw try to create something. Try to write 300 words everyday on any topic you want, a random dream you had, tasty food, etc.
Travel:
Work on a farm for a week or two while staying in the home of complete strangers. Helpx
Miscellaneous things:
Misc:
/r/LucidDreaming
tl;dr
Make the most of your time and try to improve yourself as much as possible in the next 300 days; whether physically (weightlifting!), mentally, or spiritually.
Decrease reddit/internet use and go outside, hit on random beautiful women, make new friends, etc.
Attached is a pretty good read, and comes from a credible source - it's also geared towards the anxious types (since they're more likely to read it).
I can absolutely 100% relate. My pattern was always hot and heavy for 1-2months max, and then they’d have some sort of epiphany that they actually weren’t as into me as they thought they were. I never understood it until I learned about attachment theory... and damn, did that explain a LOT. If you’re interested, this book made a huge difference for me.
https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24
The better parts teach you to be a better man and how to genuinely improve yourself, whether it's social skills, your career, your hobbies, your fashion sense, your mindset, how you approach challenges, etc. It's not about manipulating women or pick-up lines or the other bullshit methods people still associate with PUA.
You could say she's very ethical about it.
Dale Carnegie mentions this in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People
The specific anecdote there is that it was a competition between the night shift and the day shift and at the end of each shift they would write down the production of that shift so the next shift would naturally try to compete to do it better. That's about all the details that are given in the book though.
I was not prepared for this, but I may have just read one of the best book reviews of my life about your captain's The Game:
"I know I'm taking a risk by even acknowledging its existence and my familiarity with its contents. It may not be interpreted kindly that an Orthodox rabbi (in training) reads *this* widely. But this book tells a story of ethical tension that is, hands down, the most powerful treatise on morals and group dynamics I have ever read. Period.
I found it at once the modern man's sefer mussar of choice, and the endgame of every single Reality TV show every made. But it is not for everyone.
You'll know if it's for you after reading the first 10 pages.
(The first 5 are here: [http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/00605...])
THE GREAT novelty in this book is simple: credibility. The author walks down roads, and perhaps comes to conclusions, that ultimately reflect an eerily familiar set of values. However, this presentation is backed up by his experience, and so we trust his authority.
And who is "we"?: non-authoritarian, ethical, sexually aware (not necessarily active) human beings who thoughtfully approach the question: What kind of relationship is a good one? Because before we even seek an Other, we must choose: wordless college hook-up, one-night stand, short term "friend", long term friend "to have fun with", companion, life partner, or spouse/best-friend to start a family with. This book may make you question your unconscious assumptions or conscious decisions in this area.
(I admit my assumption that female readers can also gain these things from a man's story.)
Authoritarians ask their authorities (clergy, philosophers, etc.) and skip the discovery process I describe. Unethical people should have little interest in the book, as ethical-tension is the book’s essential content, and they can get more direct material online. Finally, sexually -unaware or -sensitive folk (e.g., modest or religious individuals) won’t stomach the mildly graphic descriptions of what the protagonist lived through – ignorance is bliss, for them.
Understand:
A 'pickup artist' is an amateur social scientist who adopts a language of "technology" complete with acronyms and jargon in order to systematize interpersonal relations: in this specific instance, how to get girls into bed. With the internet as catalyst, they formed a community, granting the unprecedented ability to share knowledge and methods.
The author is an NYT and then Rolling Stone reporter who, born and raised a geek, discovered this community of pickup artists. To make a long story short, he mastered the "art". How did it change him? Does power corrupt? Esp. power over sexuality?
The book is selfish. I.e., it is about self-discovery, self-esteem, self-worth. It is about the connection sex has to the self, and reveals much about the modern cultural condition. It also tells a story, and effortlessly, such that rays of life’s truths stream though the filter of (every) author’s unavoidable sins of omission. You will learn what you want to from the book, and therein lies the "danger" in my recommendation.
Full disclosure: I vicariously got something out of my system, learned about the human being, and myself. It validated many concepts I have about friendship, group dynamics, and honesty. It also serves as a warning about the evils of backbiting and gossip, misogyny, and coveting. It has, in its way, said the same thing as such classic Jewish works as Mesilat Yesharim and Orhot Tzadikim (though they say much more as well), and modern day "classics" like Magic Touch and the entire Gila Manolson oeuvre. It complements Wendy Shalit's "Modesty" nicely. I am not a fan or groupie: I am engaged to a woman who has trebled the joy and light in my life, and opened up new worlds to me, my teacher, my student – so I am not a consumer of this. And the only habit I have adopted since reading the book is to smile whenever I walk into a room of people I don't know. Though perhaps, that is life-changing enough..."
The problem is in India introverts are shamed by teachers, by parents, by society. There is Nothing wrong with being an introvert
In fact read this book - https://www.amazon.in/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I am also an introvert, have always been one. And I love it.
Read a book called The 5 Love Languages. The gist of it is that she's communicating her love in a way that you aren't hearing it. Not everyone feels and expresses love via physical contact or breakfast in bed.
First of all, your emotions are not unfounded. They may not be emotions that you want to act on or that you feel proud of- but any jealousy or discomfort or anger or confusion you feel is valid and not something to discredit or disregard especially this early in the game. Suppressing emotions isn't healthy in a monogamous relationship (or even when you're single really) and it's super not healthy in a non-monog one. You can be jealous. You can feel hurt. That doesn't make you bad at non-monogamy or whatever.
You may want to think about why you're feeling the way you are. Your emotions aren't appearing out of thin air- they're probably attached to fears and fantasies about what this all might bring in the future. examine that. Maybe you need a greater time commitment from your boyfriend even if it can't be physical. Maybe you need to set up regular skype dates. Maybe you need him not to sleep with your friends. Maybe you need to be sleeping with someone yourself. Maybe you need a new hobby to help assert your individuality and independence. Maybe you need more reminders that you're sexy. Who knows. Think about it.
You might also be interested in reading a book like Opening Up by Tristain Taormino. I'm sure there are many other good books on non-monogamy and polyamory but that's just the one I'm familiar with. I know that hearing the struggles and joys of other non-monogamous couples can be comforting and can help put your own struggles in perspective. That book also has a few chapters that directly address common issues in open relationships that I found helpful.
There's two components to this.
One, realize if you land in a relationship you won't magically get happy. No one thing in life makes everything better. Life is complex and misery comes from a lot of sources. If you're miserable outside of a relationship there's a good chance you'll be even more miserable in one. Also, you now have less time and money. To really understand misery and getting over I'd recommend Feeling Good and The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.
The second part, let's say you really do want success with women. Or at least to try it out. You're probably unskilled. That's it. You aren't a loser. You aren't a failure. You're just unskilled. Think about it like this. We all have to work to eat and survive. There are dozens of strategies for job hunting, but I've never heard anyone exclaim, "ah, don't worry about it. Just be confident and you'll land your dream job one day". You think about the type of career you want, think about how to build a presentable resume, create a strategy to get the experience you need. Plenty of steps and strategy. Same with seduction. For this I'd recommend Models and asking around /r/seduction. There's a lot of different strategies out there (a lot of terrible along with good) and figuring out what works for you, but the important thing is just realizing it's a learned skill. It isn't fate woven by gods from the beginning.
Not everyone sees a feeling of possessiveness, jealousy, or even sexual exclusivity, to be a positive thing in a relationship. Some people enjoy sex in groups, some people enjoy a variety of partners. That doesn't mean those people can't have healthy, fulfilling romantic relationships with other consenting adults.
I mean, if you really are curious about how people have healthy relationships like this, I would recommend this short book about open and/or group relationships. It has interviews/profiles of a variety of different non-monogamous relationships: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
Most people would find the idea of sharing their sex videos with strangers to be pretty "weird" or "wrong," but without that then this subreddit wouldn't even exist, right?
Talk to him face to face about how you feel. Be specific about when you feel angry or hurt. If he doesn't take you seriously, move on to someone who respects the kind of relationship cues you need to thrive. You should feel secure and safe in your relationship, not angry and abandoned. He may not need as much reassurance or attention, and doesn't understand where you are coming from. Talk about it! Share your needs with him.
I also recommend the book "Attached." It's a quick read and very enlightening.
\> I know they say you have to be okay on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship- but it seems like a tall order if you have no support. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.
I used to believe that you have to be okay on your own, but now I disagree with statement. Based off of my personal experience and information knowledge of trauma and attachment, I've revised my belief: Even if we don't need one (1) human to be our other half, we need the right social circle and the access to the right resources to have a solid foundation in order to have the skills, motivation, and support make progress toward their goals, feel secure, and be happy.
While I'm not a professional psychologist, what's working for me is trying to be vulnerable but being careful about who I do it with. There needs to be some thought about who I share it with, like what am I trying to do by sharing it with *this* specific person. Am I feeling some inner pain that I believe this person can ease? Am I sharing an experience that I think they will understand? If they don't understand, am I sharing this because I still trust them and I want to bond with them?
I believe healthy relationships is a balance of *relying* (as opposed to needing) on the *appropriate* people depending on the situation (as opposed to relying on the same person for every situation). Sometimes we will take risks and be let down. Over time by doing so, you refine your radar to know who is the best person for a feeling, situation, or experience.
Wishing the best in your healing.
+1 to most of the above.
I am on wife number 2 now and SO much happier. I was young and alone and modeled my relationship off of my parent's dysfunctional one... Was in it for 8.5yrs. Got out of it and although there were some rough times, I made it through... I then spent a year or two hooking up with as many girls as I could, then happened upon an AMAZING woman - married her last November.
I got very lucky with meeting the first girl I hooked up with after my ex, but after that it wasn't too rough. My suggestions are:
Cheers!
Just wait until you read more and more on it and spend tons of time watching people. It gets pretty awesome what you can see. It also becomes a game you can play with girls. In addition, you can see things that even they don't realize is happening and this makes for great playful teasing.
I would also suggest adding "what everyBODY is saying". It is a great book written by a former CIA operative who needed to be amazing in order to survive.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061438294/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1368287612&sr=8-1&pi=SL75
Edited to reflect correct title name and include amazon link.
Get The 5 Love Languages. See if perhaps you and your wife are just fundamentally misunderstanding what the other needs. To be blunt, why would you marry someone who demonstrated a trait that made you feel resentful? Did you honestly expect her to change after you got married?
You need to change your passwords and cut her off iphone tracking. FindMyFriends is a consensual tracking app. Remove your consent. If she has access to findmyiphone, change your Apple ID password, too.
This kind of controlling is not okay.
I've never read this, but I've seen it heartily recommended: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553381407?pc_redir=1410064080&robot_redir=1
Edit: forgot a letter
This is such a great book, and is what really sparked my interest in body language and psychology. Great explanations, illustrations, and integration of humor!
EDIT: Here is the link to the book on amazon
I've read most of your comments here and you sound exactly like the guys that get posted about in /r/niceguys. You seem entitled, shallow, and delusional, and you don't have much self awareness. The good news is that you're very young, and a lot of people didn't like who they were in high school and ended up 'blossoming' after high school, whether in college or work.
You need to think about this: if the majority of people, specifically girls, keep treating you and interacting with you a certain way repeatedly, there's got to be a reason for that, and it's most likely not them - it's you. YOU need to change. If you're overweight or too skinny, hit the gym. Not only will you look better, but you'll feel better about yourself, and you seem to need that because you don't sound too confident or sure of yourself.
You also need to be honest with yourself and truly analyze yourself and be vulnerable to identify what your personality traits are, which are good, and which need addressing. The end result of this is that you will be sure of yourself and be accepting of situations and not have a reason to make sad and pathetic posts like this (this is not an insult - but if you don't think this post is pathetic then it stresses my point about confidence and self awareness).
You need to get this book: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty. Even though the title of the book mentions attracting women, the main context is about what I mentioned above: being honest (with others and yourself) and being confident, and the process you need to go through to achieve that.
Lastly, you should save a copy of this post you made somewhere. Read it once every few months. When you finally read it and cringe really really hard after then you're starting to make some progress. Good luck.
I highly recommend going to your library and checking out the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I also recommend seeking the help of a counselor or therapist.
Your behavior is destructive and you need to learn the skills to deal with something like this without letting it ruin or take over your own life in the process.
Seen peeking out of Shanahan's back pocket
These are specifically targeted towards 4chan users.
My hunch is that they have convicted pedophiles, doing work to allow for early release. But I can't prove that - just throwing that out there.
Another pattern - take it for what it is - it reads like early 2000's seduction techniques. If you don't know what that is, there was a big movement following the release of the book The Game(https://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738) about pickup. Anyway, a huge explosion of online seduction exports popped up in forums, selling memberships, and exhibitions and training courses.
Whoever is working at JTRIG, has familiarity with 4chan, and has probably recruited from there. Just a theory - so take it for what it is.
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking up in a group of people is hard unless you are comfortable with them and I don't believe that is the reason you struggle to develop relationships. Sure, if you're confident and witty, then it's a foot in the door, allowing you to start developing a relationship - if you are always on the edge of things then it becomes more difficult.
I was always on the edge of things in high school. I would sometimes try and insert a comment but it would be forced because I was desperately trying to get myself noticed. When you are in that frame of mind, you aren't relaxed and it becomes far harder to contribute to the conversation.
I used to think this was a fundamental flaw of mine until I got to university and developed a group of friends that actually valued me. I felt relaxed around them and my personality started to come through more.
There are a couple of books that I've read that have really clicked with me. You sound a lot like me, so I think they will help.
Hope this helps!
I don’t equate extroversion with confidence.
Quiet by Susan Cain explains our culture’s overvaluing of extroversion.
I’m introverted and FIERCE.
No no no. Don't do what he said. Unless you're dealing with a girl that radiates "quirky".
The first reason? It could be seen as a beta move where you look away first. Like you're nervous. Then she dismisses you for being a beta bitch.
(edit: the use of "beta bitch" is getting a lot of flack. Obviously, people do not like the phrase. To me, "alpha" and "beta" refer to what a person finds attractive and unattractive. Which changes person to person. I have a friend who loves confident guys. If she makes eye contact and the guy looks away first, she loses interest. She wants a guy to hold eye contact, to challenge her. That doesn't mean a guy can't reignite interest. But eye-contact is her quick test. Some girls might HATE eye contact and think a guy who won't look away is too intense. And a guy who looks away is normal. To this girl, eye-contact guy is beta and less-eye-contact guy is more alpha. There are people who think me using the phrase "beta bitch" is beta. Where someone who says, "Just be yourself" is alpha. That's fine. But there are people who will say, "I would be myself, but I don't know what to say or do?" All I'm trying to do is provide a way to analyze the "is she checking me out" situation in a way that is as alpha/beta neutral as I can. Of course, saying "Hi" and acting natural can work and often does work. But there are plenty of times in a bar where you can go up and say "Hi!" and the girls want nothing to do with you. Not even because "they suck" or "are awful people not worth your time." Just because they're out and don't want to have to deal with dudes trying to hit on them. As someone with a lot of friends that are girls, it's painful to hear about and see how much they are approached and end up coming off as rude because guys are overly persistent. What I described here is what I have found to be the simplest and least invasive method of gauging whether or not a girl is interested.)
But say she doesn't see it like that. Say it works. She looks at the ceiling because she saw you look at the ceiling. Where do you go from here? Do you go up and say, "Hey, I saw you look at the ceiling too?" Do you just walk up and say, "Hi." What if she says, "What did you look at?" Or "Why did you look at the ceiling?" What are you going to say? "Uh. I don't know?" Or do you say something "witty" like "Checking the weather." That's just fucking weird. I mean, sure, there's probably a way to recover and move beyond this moment, but you're starting from a weird and limiting position. Worst case scenario is she doesn't say anything at all and just dismisses you as a weirdo.
Best case scenario is she's quirky and attracted to you and thinks this is a meet-cute and you're in. It can happen. But I would guess a success rate of 1 out of 30.
What you should do is check her feet. Body Language 101. The feet reflect the attention of the mind. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at you, they want to be talking to you. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at someone else, they're focused on that person. If their feet are pointing at the door, they want to leave. (see this book).
Next time you're just standing around in public, check where your feet are pointing. And pay attention to the feet of other people.
I've used the feet method to hook up with a number of girls. Here's what you do.
Look around the bar or party or wherever and see if any girl has a foot (or feet) pointing at you. If yes, move a few feet away. Not far enough to where you're out of her view, but enough to where she would have to adjust her foot. If her foot adjusts and points at you again, yes. Or you notice it later in the night: yes.
If you're comfortable in the situation, like it's a house party and you know a lot of the people, you can go up and introduce yourself. Ask if she and whoever she's talking to needs a drink or something. Walk away. That way you've broken the ice. You can check later to see if the girl has her foot pointed at you again. If so, you go back up and start the flirtation. Or it might be on from the very beginning.
The first time I used this, I was at a house party. One of my friends was talking this girl up, but her feet were pointed at me. I moved. She adjusted. I went up and asked my friend a question. The girl immediately introduced herself and began asking me questions and laughing at everything I said. My friend wouldn't leave. I mentioned wanting to go to the kitchen for a snack. She said she could use one too. Away we went. (In case you're concerned for my friend, he was okay; actually, he apologized for not realizing what was going on and leaving on his own.)
If you're at the bar, you don't have to do a straight approach. But you can close proximity. Usually by having a solid wingman or two. You would notice a girl looking at you. Check her feet. Her feet are pointed at you. You would finish you drink. You and your wingman/men go to the bar. Get more drinks. Be deep into conversation as you come away from the bar. Casually near the girl/her group but not as though you're approaching her. Head near her as though on accident. Stay engaged in the conversation. Stop walking to have the conversation. Laugh. Hold your own in that spot. The conversation can slow and now you're just in that spot. This position affords you many opportunities. The girl can now get your attention. Or you could overhear something her group is talking about and get involved in the conversation. If you're feeling real good, you could just transition to the group with a simple "Hey. My beer tastes awful. What are you all drinking?" and slowly work to your target. Be sure to check her feet. If they want to talk to you, they'll respond to your question. If they don't, they won't. The question doesn't really matter. Imagine DiCaprio breaking the ice with a group of girls. They won't give two fucks about how he starts the conversation because they want to talk to him. If girls don't want to talk to you, a clever line might win them over. But if they do want to talk to you, you don't have to try hard or do anything fancy. The important thing is not to bore them.
Some of this might sound complicated. But it's really not. Once you get used to it, it's very simple.
(edit There are people who claim this isn't natural. Social interaction is a skill, just like anything else. Dribbling a basketball can seem unnatural, but once you do it enough it becomes natural. Same with this. When described in a such a way, yes, it sounds forced. But if someone were to describe their "natural" approach in a self-reflective manner (and not just, "I don't know man, I just do what I do."), it would, I suspect, sound unnatural and calculated. In one comment, someone mentioned "hoop jumping". Whether you like it or not, hoop jumping happens. Some guys actively do it. Others don't think about it. But every romantic interaction is an escalation of hoop jumping. "Talk to me." "Let me touch you." "Touch me." "Let's kiss." "Let's spend time together alone." Every friendship is hoop jumping. Every social interaction is hoop jumping. Some people might be great with hoops and it comes "natural". Others have no idea. But once they become aware and practice using hoops, they can become natural and then romance isn't so hit or miss.)
Oh, if you're at a club--god help you. Just take shots and dance as though the world were ending.
----
I hope the above edits helped clarify. I'm not trying to be a monster. Yes, this is a huge block of text. But social interaction isn't easy for everyone. There are a lot of people who won't care about anything that I said. Which is fine. But there are some people who might learn something. So I went into detail. I know how lost I was when I was a freshman in college. I would have appreciated this information. I don't believe in "Game". I think canned routines are gross. That negs are gross. That AMOG-ing (being the alpha male of the group ("alpha" in the classical "dominance" sense this time)) is gross. I'm all for being yourself. But that doesn't mean "yourself" isn't flawed. If there's something I believe in more than "be yourself" it's "better yourself". Learning how social interactions work--why you were successful or unsuccessful--is part of that process.
Here's hoping I learned how to write a better Reddit post.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
OP, your local library definitely has a few copies. It's worth reading.
My FH and I are not religious; here's what we've tried and found in our 1.5 years together:
The Gottman Institute, which is by the guy who authored that last book, offers (kind of expensive) weekend workshops around the country, and it also sells an at-home DIY "workshop" for $175 USD. If we have time and extra money, we might try the at-home kit but for now the book is working well for us!
edit: There's also a program called Prepare Enrich, which is an assessment you both take and then you meet with a facilitator (secular or religious, your choice) in your area to go over your results. The program also offers a DIY version called the Couple Checkup, which they call a "lighter version of the assessment". We haven't really explored these options yet because the Prepare Enrich facilitator we reached out to isn't taking any new clients at this time and my local library had both a physical copy and audiobook copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Start by reading the /r/polyamory FAQ if you haven't yet.
There are many good books out there, and reading any of these will help fill in a lot of blanks for you:
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love
The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships
Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!
If you like listening to podcasts, there are a couple good ones I follow: Multiamory Podcast and Polyamory Weekly.
Go slow, read lots, and follow your heart.
23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.
I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.
On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.
Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.
Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you
Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable
There's a great book that addresses this. It's called Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. It strongly urges people to date others who have a similar level of desire for and comfort with closeness, and goes into the biological drivers for why closeness feels so life-and-death important. Failing that, it gives practical tips for how to make your relationship less anxiety-provoking if your partner is avoiding closeness. Per the book, if your partner is prone to avoiding closeness, that tendency isn't likely to change. The communication tips these trolls are sharing here are gold. I'm trying my hand for the first time at a relationship with someone who also enjoys a lot of closeness and it is the bees knees. Near zero relationship anxiety for 4 months.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=attached&qid=1571751595&sr=8-3
Dude, I love you asking about books!
•Codependent No More
•No More Mr. Nice Guy -I was raised by a very Beta father, and influences significantly by feminism over my education through teachers and friends’ parents. These two books helped break that and accept it is okay to be a fucking male and make your own way in this society.
•The 3rd is not a book but a podcast: The MFCEO Project also available on SoundCloud, and stitcher. I linked episode 107 because it greatly influenced how I structure my approach for life. I also highly recommend episode 141, the battleground mentality, it also helps address approaching society and how we make excuses.
•Way of the Wolf - teaches business principals with a tried and true system. It isn’t for everyone but Straight Line selling is a very powerful tool.
•Discipline Equals Freedom -This wasn’t as influential for me as I had already placed the development tools it teaches into place, but for anyone starting off on their self development journey I highly recommend it.
I wouldn't say he's gone that far. He just appeals to common interests (not to mention a grossly inflated sense of self-importance).
Hitler wants to unite Europe under aryan rule, but getting that through war risks a "savage state" that's opposite to what he wants. Gandhi's found his passive methods rather effective, so maybe they'd work for Hitler?
Not sure about MBCT but a good book on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy: an older version: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/cbt-mbct-difference.htm) is https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
That’s a great read! Not only it explains what you are going through but reading or listening to the audiobook has been studied and proven to help AS therapy!
I highly recommend it.
Good job being aware of your challenges!
Good job noticing your patterns!
Good job admitting your thoughts!
I feel like you are already quite powerfully advancing toward a strongly useful wisdom.
Practice is simple yet difficult as you already pointed out.
Yet that’s the way: keep moving forward with it.
Finally keep in mind that sometimes this could be attributed to a high personality trait of neuroticism. There is s positive and negative about it.
https://www.psychologistworld.com/personality/neuroticism-personality-trait
One positive part of it is that you are more inclined to be able to care for children or relate to people in need.
Good luck!
Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
There is a book called the five love languages. It talks about the five main ways people feel loved. What makes you feel loved may not make your significant other feel loved. For example, if receiving a gift from your S.O. makes you feel most loved, you may feel like giving your S.O. a gift makes him/her feel loved as well, but that may not be important to them. Maybe their love language is physical touch, and therefore sex, or backrubs, or hand holding makes them feel most loved.
TLDR: It's a book that discusses different ways people feel loved. Not a bad read IMO.
I want to mention that while this was a great self observation on u/Cejarrood's part (and kudos to you for asking how you can make your partner feel loved, although it does seem to be potentially solely within the context of getting sex), what is true for her is not necessarily true for your girlfriend. You girlfriend may be less interested in sex than you because she's not feeling loved, or she could have hormonal sex drive dip because of menopause, or be stressed about work, or have a chronic headache, or have had a dream where you killed her brother the night before, or any number of countless reasons. I think it's great to get other women's perspectives but you really need to talk to your girlfriend about her experience, it will save you a lot of time. And if she does say something like she loves sex when she feels loved, relaxed and happy, then ask *her* what are things you can do that make her feel that way. Again, it could be a solo bubble bath and time away from the kids for one person, and for another it's a family outing, and for another it's an intimate cuddle on the couch with you.
Here is a good resource on love languages: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
I've been married over 10 years and can confirm /u/Im_Bee knows what they're talking about.
I recommend checking out the book the 5 love languages.
You may not feel like showing love, but she doesn't either. One of you has to start. It's not about who's fault it is, it's about the path you choose to take going forward.
Love isn't that butterfly feeling you got when you were a teenager. Love is a choice, and love is work. Love is sacrificing yourself everyday for their benefit.
No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A Glover.
Let me get this straight. You have a master's degree and you're making six figures.
Your girlfriend is an unemployed couch surfing parasitic leech with barely a high school education, who spends all her time on her hobby which she never earns any money or considers charging people. Then bitches at you constantly about how she thinks your job is a joke, and other passive-agressive abuse.
The issue is you tried to turn a hustler into a housewife.
She's hustling you. 100%. She doesn't respect you because she has no respect, and more importantly you don't respect yourself.
The issue is you're a doormat with no ability to set boundaries.
Well, as you're in a poly relationship you should know that talking is priority 1. Go read "The Ethical Slut" again.
Communication between all parties should be EASY. If you have a problem, and you're afraid to bring it up, that's a huge red flag on larger problems.
Sit down, talk it out.
That being said, it's entirely possible he's just a super-stupid immature 29 year old. It's entirely possible he just wants to fuck her. She might just wanna fuck him. It happens. But that's stuff you find out when you TALK to your girlfriend.
You also have to sit down with yourself and really think: "Do I wanna be in a relationship with someone who would find someone that much older attractive?" Marley is old enough to make her own decisions, and to reap the consequences of them (even if that means you leave her).
But you gotta sit down and talk. For hours. With everyone. It's a poly relationship, you WILL spend more time talking than doing other stuff. That's just part of it.
Also, never forget the golden rule: Half your age plus seven. For a 29 year old, the lower line is 21, which makes 18 creepy.
We don't allow pirated materials on seddit out of respect for the professionals who come on here to do AMAs, so don't even post the links. You will be banned.
Does this link not work for you? That is the ebook version.
This book completely changed my understanding and approach to relationships. Read it following my divorce two years ago, and I've always had exactly as much female interaction in my life as I've wanted since then.
I cannot recommend it enough.
It brings clarity to everything, and you can use it to bang a non-stop train of sloots, or (as the book recommends) find the girl that's perfect for you long term. It's not about pick-up lines or games to trick girls into fucking you. It's about investing in yourself and communicating in a way that lets women see your true self, flaws and all.
It's a really easy read, and you'll find yourself with vision and perspective you never previously had.
Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty
Fair warning: this is only vaguely related
He discusses being very introverted, and that is definitely something I can personally identify with. If anyone out there struggles with being introverted -- or rather, how people perceive introverts, I cannot recommend this book enough. The author doesn't tell you how or why to be more extroverted, or that you should be...but instead she discusses the pro's of being introverted, and how to deal with the cons. There's really nothing wrong with keeping to yourself, even though society is constantly telling us (for some reason) that the opposite is something to be constantly championed.
Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, a popular CBT book that is useful for a variety of problems. if you're in a rough spot financially, it's an older one so should be easy to find in libraries and other ways
not a book but very helpful, Wait But Why's breakdown of procrastination. if you like this post you'll also love the TED talk.
if you're a person who struggles with being attracted (to an unhealthy degree) to men that never return your interest, especially in the context of an abusive past or co-dependence, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
The ladycrappo 7-Step Dealing With Depression Plan
Brought to you by a chick who's been hospitalized for major depression on four separate occasions and is now living a relatively stable normal life
A fantastic book that everyone should read: Feeling Good (the new mood therapy) by David Burns M.D. is all about this subject. It talks about bibliotherapy, therapy through reading self-help books, and cognitive practice, essentially, you are what you think.
If you can figure out your thoughts, and figure out why you're having these thoughts, you can work to change these thinking habits. Meditation is the authoritative tool for this in general, but the book has exercises and scientifically backed practices that have been proven to be just as if not more effective than drugs, and longer lasting. Check it out, it's worth your time.
Check out the book Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It's a pretty useful in identifying ways in which we can change the way we feel by changing our thoughts, among other things. It's helping me work out my anxiety/tendency to be depressed, ect.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics. (probably most interesting from a Freudian perspective, deals with many of our unconscious instincts)
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces The Shape Our Decisions - Unconscious decision-making, behavioral economics, consumer psychology. Fun read.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Most popular book on the psychology of persuasion, covers all the main principles. Very popular among business crowds.
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships - Social neuroscience, mirror neurons, empathy, practical stuff mixed with easy to understand brain science.
Authentic Happiness - Positive Psychology, happiness, increasing life satisfaction.
Feeling Good - A good primer on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also widely considered one of the best self-help books by mental health practitioners.
The Brain That Changes Itself - Neuroplasticity, how experience shapes our brains. Some really remarkable case studies that get you wondering how powerful our brains really are.
The Buddhist Brain - The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom from a Buddhist perspective.
That should give you more than enough to chew on.
> I fear, that he will judge me as lazy
>I'm very afraid of what people might think of me
>I'm afraid that I won't be doing any projects with him
>I guess his feeling about me was right
So the first thing I would say is that these thoughts are not facts, but predictions about the future. I highly recommend you watch this very short video as I think the message is very suited to your situation and he can explain it far more eloquently than I can.
-------------------------
>I just need some advice on how to not worry too much about what other people think of me.
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do." How often do you think about the failures and faults of others? Very little, I suspect. People are concentrated on their own lives, their own success and their own failures. To be brutally honest, they don't spend their time thinking about you. Your worth is not determined by what others think of you.
-------------------------
Here's a relevant poem:
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you've passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
--Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr
-------------------------
Finally, I think mindfulness, meditation, and this book would benefit you enormously.
I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.
Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.
I am surprised someone hasn't mentioned this book yet, you might get a lot of it.
No More Mr Nice Guy Hardcover by Dr. Robert A. Glover
Here are some excellent books on narcissistic parenting and its upshots (all available on amazon.com, etc):
Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.
Further, the dynamics of growing up in such families are strikingly similar to what happens in cults. If one is conditioned, socialized, habituated and normalized to a particular form of abuse (before one can recognize the abuse as such) in childhood, it is often the case that one will grow up to seek intimates who are likely to repeat the same form of traumatization to which they were normalized as children. In my case, I took my unconscious -- and unprocessed -- abuse into a series of cult and other co-dependent workplace and relationship situations. If one understands what happens in cults, one often gets a very clear picture of what happened in their own families of origin with narcissistic parents.
My husband and I have been together about 9 years, married for 3 years. I find myself more and more attracted to him as time goes on. I love walking through life and all of it's changes with him. I love seeing him grow in his faith, his work, his other relationships with family and friends. And now, with our first baby (a boy!) on the way, I am only growing more in love with him by the day! I can't wait to give birth to our new little addition to the family and see him become the great dad I know he will be.
I guess spark-wise, we make time to "date" and spend quality time together. Intimacy is a priority in our marriage. That doesn't always mean it leads to sex, but sex is often a fundamental part of marriage. We try our best to communicate well. We talk often. When we eat dinner together, phones and any other technology is put away so we can focus on each other.
We know each other's love languages. If you haven't read the book, I recommend it!
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481727850&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Five+Love+Languages
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Sorry if this list is a bit long, this is kind of an obsession of mine. No one source is really all encompassing, but each one offers a different point of view. They also may seem like slightly odd choices, however I have found each one very useful when it comes to understanding how people work. If you want a more streamlined set of sources just use every other link. (I don't know how well these work if you have any sort of innate understanding of body language, but they are excellent for beginners).
Tricks of the Mind - Derren Brown - This isn't the sort of book you would imagine when looking for body language guides, and in fact it doesn't even scratch the surface of how complex our bodies are. However it does contain what I consider to be the most important thing when learning to read people, which is the concept of relativity. Lots of sources give set actions and ascribe to them a meaning based only on the movement, but people are so wonderfully complex that this doesn't work all the time. Derren instead comes up with the concept of relativity - the idea that everybody has their own baseline for body language, and that in order to read body language effectively you need to take into account the divergence from this person's normal body language instead of just looking at their actions in a vacuum. It's also a fascinating read throughout and cites numerous other books you can use if you want more sources.
Changing Minds - this is a very good resource for looking up on any one area of body language you feel you may be rusty on, as opposed to a complete guide. Everything is organised by mood and then by body part, so you can focus on whatever you want. It also covers many other related areas and little tricks for surviving interpersonal relationships.
The Game - Neil Strauss / Fastseduction - Again, odd choices for someone looking to learn how to read body language. These are more of a meta-read than actual sources on body language, as they don't go into body language in much detail at all. Honestly I wouldn't recommend these at all if it weren't for another concept that is introduced through them called Inner Game. Inner Game is about taking all the information that you have gleaned from days surrounded by words -all the actions, routines, and painfully memorized sequences - and inserting it into your daily life, with the aim of having them completely internalized and instinctual. In the book Strauss goes to some crazy pick-up gurus and gets hypnotised over the course of a weekend to try and improve his Inner Game, but honestly that's not necessary. I feel that the concept is very much related to the phrase "Fake it 'till you make it" - just as the man looking to become more confident must put on a façade and keep confidence in mind at all times until the adopted mannerisms become habit, if you want to read people you have to pay attention to everything around you and compare it with what you know. After a while you will find that it takes less and less time to understand what a particular stance suggests, and eventually you won't have to consciously think about it at all. So yeah, not very good for body language outside of one specialist area but excellent for state of mind. There may also be a seduction community on reddit, though I couldn't speak for their body language resources.
Peoplewatching - Desmond Morris - This is one of the single greatest books ever written. It was originally released as Manwatching in the late 1970s and is a staggeringly useful guide to body language. It looks at human behaviour through a zoological lens, giving it a more sterile feel than the more well known guides, but covers everything perfectly. This is I feel the perfect introduction to the subject, covering what body language conveys and speculating on how it came about without attaching too much meaning to any one gesture.
The Definitive Book of Body Language - Allan + Barbara Pease - This is almost an obligatory mention. I don't like this book. It's undoubtedly an excellent resource on the subject, and covers most topics in a nice, well-ordered manner, but I can't bring myself to like it. It has something to do with the attitude of the book I think - right from the title the authors try and place themselves somewhere up above normal humans, and the entire book has an underlying air of condescension combined with complete confidence that what it says is 100% correct and a corresponding smugness. It is also guilty of the worst crime possible (aside from the aformentioned certainty) when discussing body language, which is dressing up speculation and correlation as fact. The book is littered with speculation on numerous topics that are stated without any nod to the fact that it is in fact speculation, such as the line 'Henry VIII popularised this gesture (pursed lips) as a high-status signal because of his small mouth and modern Brits and Americans still use it'. Here I opened the book to a random page and read the first sentence I could. This sounds like an excellent fun fact except for the complete lack of evidence, and this is repeated on every single page of the book. So, while it is an excellent source for body language, please read it with an open mind and salt at the ready.
There are probably hundreds of books and websites I've missed, but hopefully those should help a bit.
Edit: As mentioned above Lie to Me and the Mentalist are good as TV goes, but I might recommend Psych over both of them just because of the way it deals with it - there is some body language stuff in there to pick up on (occasionally), but mostly it's just a hilarious and spectacular show.
Happy husband(28m) of a somewhat open relationship of 13 years here. Don't let all these negative comments scare you. The beautiful thing about your relationship is that it's yours, and you two(or more!) get to tailor it to whatever suits you.
What you're talking about is commonly described as a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" style of open relationship. While not impossible, it does seem to make it a bit harder for most to keep things civil. I can tell you from personal experience that when my wife and I started with this style of relationship, we weren't ready for the amount of communication that was required to make this work, and we faltered. Years later, we have the luxury of time and experience to guide us into what has become a great source of fun for us both, without all the drama we started with.
Before jumping in, I'd recommend grabbing a couple books on the subject. My favorite being The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
What you and your partner are talking of doing can be a very fun and rewarding experience! Just keep in mind that changing your views are monogamy is a bigger test for some more than others.
I'm happily paired off now, but used to follow this stuff more. For guys seeking women, I think the books The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson are the books that best encompass the best advice that I accumulated over the years, and that has worked for me and other guys I know.
I read Attached and started following the advice. Basically as an anxious attacher I needed to date a lot before I made a judgment about getting into a relationship with someone. Often I'd get into relationships with women who would "love bomb" me only to end up being cold and distant, even cruel. I dated several Borderlines because of this.
Anyway, I dated and dated. Several women at a time (I'm meaning only for a few weeks, never more because of either of our reservations). I met a really nice med student. Pretty wholesome to women I had dated. But I wasn't sure. She said I had to make up my mind soon. So with that in mind I dropped acid. The realization I had on my return was that I needed to stop fucking around, man up, and ask this girl to be my girlfriend. I had a sense as well that I would be asking this one to be my wife.
I'm still in the processing of sorting myself, just finished self-authoring and now implementing my plans. But I'm definitely saving for a ring and going to ask her to marry me. And she knows it.
>Has anyone heard of being addicted to someone, even with major abuse happening?
The idea you're looking for here is co-dependency.
Co-dependent No More is a book that is commonly recommended to people with this problem.
Coming from a very dysfunctional family, I have seen a lot of this. It is very sad. As yet, I have never been able to convince a co-dependent person to get away from their abuser, though I sure have tried over the years with multiple people. I hope you have more luck than I have had.
This book might help you understand the problem. If you can get your ex to read it as well - even better.
You're taking the wrong lessons out of this book. Yes, you should care about yourself and your values more than others. However, what you're talking about is not caring about others in the slightest. That's insane!
You're going from one extreme to the next. But you will still have the same insecurity at heart.
How do I know? I've been there. I was that nice guy that helped everyone out when they needed and didn't get anything back in return, or refused to take back. Then one day, I had enough. I became a raging dick to everyone, my friends, family, housemates. I'm still suffering from the fallout of what I did, 3 years on.
Change is good. And I'm glad you're taking action to change. But becoming obsessively narcisstic is not the best path. You'll get some of what you want but lose the things you loved.
Focus on yourself first, and then care about those around you next. Don't go full throttle on the former. Check out this, it talks about exactly what you're going through --> Models: Attract Women through Honesty
And here is an exerpt --> The Power in Vulnerability
At the end of the day, do what you want to do. I wish you the best of luck.
edit: Spelling, added 1 sentence.
read models.
Talk to women. Talk to men. Talk to old women you have no sexual interest in about things that come to mind (yours or theirs). collect cool stories. Pursue hobbies for the sake of doing something awesome (more stories).
Hit the gym - a better body looks better and feels better.
Sort of! It works sometimes.
The idea of these "scripts" isn't that they have such a high success rate, it's that when you run a "script" over and over on different women, the rejection doesn't feel as personal as when you painstakingly came up with something unique for each woman.
When people reject this profile, it's not personal. He didn't write it. When he tries a script in each conversation and gets unmatched, it's not personal. It's not his script. They're not rejecting him, he just needs to find better material. In a rejection-rich environment like Tinder (and dating in general), this can be really liberating.
For profiles in particular, you can think of them kind of like the spam e-mail from the African prince. It's misspelled and obviously fake, and that's on purpose. The only people who respond are gullible, confused, etc.--the perfect target.
This profile is targeted at people who want some nice abs to play with and are kind of into assholes, and there really are plenty of women who fit in that category, at least sometimes. Again: the perfect target.
Edit: If you haven't read The Game by Neil Strauss, I highly recommend it. It's very entertaining and, I think, really captures the spirit of the movement.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
It may seem counter-intuitive but you can't love someone (very well) until you love yourself. All of your self-hate is toxic for your relationship, especially if you particularly hate who you are when you are around him. He probably feels like a jerk for yelling at you when things go wrong, so he also hates who he becomes when you two are together.
You might try some sort of self-soothing techniques and practice delayed gratification. When something goes wrong you might try counting to ten, while thinking about your favorite [whatever] before you talk. Try to not say those words that hurt your relationship. Realize, although the words immediately make you feel better, they only hurt you and him in the long run. Forgive yourself for things you've done and things you dislike about your old self. Picture you being the self you admire. Work on the way you react to negative things. No matter who you are with, they are their own person with their own likes and dislikes and feelings.
Take time to write down things he has done that made you feel loved. Occasionally thank him for one or two of those things. I believe it's true that most of the time, a relationship is beyond the point of no return when both people can't remember the good times they've shared, and strictly remember all the bad times (fights). Focusing on the fights and the differences between you is like focusing on a zit on your forehead. Sure, it's driving you crazy and it's hard to think about anything else but, the more you pick at it and squeeze it, the more swollen and red it becomes. In your (and his) quest to return to positive thinking remember there will be slips. The quicker you (both) forgive, count to ten, and then react positively the stronger your relationship will become.
If she'll maintain eye contact with you with no conversation going on. If she tilts her head slightly down. If her knees/feet are pointing towards you when it'd be more comfortable for them not to be. If she's playing with her hair. If she's been touching you during the date. If she's been ok with you lightly/playfully touching her during the date.
None of these on their own will tell you. Just having her feet point towards you means nothing. Just having her head tilted down means nothing. But if she's playing with her hair, has been touching or is touching you, will maintain eye contact with you during silences in the conversation, you can probably kiss her. You should check out this book Body Language, this is where all my info comes from. There's a section on how different genders flirth. I credit the book with helping me hook up with more women than I would have otherwise. Also sometimes you just gotta take a chance and see what happens. Getting rejected for a kiss isn't really a big deal after you fail a couple times.
Reminds me of a book I’m reading called Codependent No More
Glad you’re focusing on self-care and what’s right for you!
Off the top of my head, I see a couple of options:
First, have you tried talking to her about toys? Would she be interested in receptive penetrative sex? Would she want to try out a strap-on? Related:NSFW (not porn)
Also, polyamory! No reason you can't have deep connections with multiple people. There are all sorts of ways of negotiating poly relationships in order to deal with issues like jealousy and that can accommodate all sorts of sexual inclinations. I definitely recommend checking out the Ethical Slut if you are curious.
Your posts are always fun to read - shockingly honest, even about decisions you seem to regret.
Opinion: Smart dude isn't going to be your guy. He's enjoying himself, but he doesn't see you as someone he's going to commit to beyond a regular fuck. He's going to avoid answering a question like that because he doesn't want to screw up what he's got going with you, and he only asks questions like that for validation. Pull the emergency brake on the feels train, or be ready to get hurt.
Keep doing you, but if you start to find that meaningless sex is starting to hollow you out don't hesitate to stop and re-evaluate/recharge.
If you haven't, read this: https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
I've noticed a trend here lately of people turning to simple living as a way to treat anxiety. Simple living is awesome, but it's not a cure for anxiety. In some ways, it can promote it, because people use the idea of simple living to hide from life.
The best place to start, if you can, would be with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety. If that isn't possible right now, this book can give you some tools to start feeling better, for under $6. It did help me. Ultimately, the key to overcoming anxiety is to do the thing you fear until it isn't scary any more.
Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking was nice. It doesn't treat introversion like social anxiety or claim introverts are inherently superior, it just talks about how introverts should try to stick with working styles that work for them instead of forcing themselves to love things like group brainstorming. It also discusses problems introverts have in the current "extrovert idealism" of a lot if workplaces.
Links:
Nobody celebrates Kwanzaa
General Custer
Hornswoggle
Dwarfism is recognized by the ADA
Micro Championship Wrestling
Female UFC fighters
Leprechaun: Origins trailer
List of WWF/WWE champions
Pain and Gain
Q's apple
Banks can sue Target for negligence after breach
Determining how smart pigs are
When Pigs Cry -- WARNING: don't watch if you like eating pork
Chicken farmer exposes conditions Perdue requires -- WARNING: don't read/watch if you like eating chicken
Mammals without tearducts
When Elephants Weep
Burt's Bees documentary
Quiet
Inflatables slashing in Kentucky -- video included
Politifact on "Tear Gas: Banned for war but used by police" ... Mostly True
Chasing white people out of Target
Comparing the differing grand jury testimonies in Ferguson case -- very in-depth and informative
Long history of racial tension in Ferguson
Someone was arrested for stabbing homeless man
"Sandra" Boyle
FBI's Ten Most Wanted (non-terrorist)
Whitey Bulger
Black Friday in 1983
Cabbage Patch Kids Craze
Webkinz
AuctionSniper
The 69ers -- around since the early '60s? So it's not about the year then?
Hells Angels patch vs. Four Color Demons patch
Tarkin
Endurance: Shackleton's Incredible Voyage
The Purge Effect
As someone who overcame severe depression and was on 200mg of Zoloft at one point in my life...you need to get professional help for yourself. First and foremost: take care of YOU. You won't be able to help dogs until you help yourself and you need to do it because YOU ARE WORTH THAT.
That doesn't mean quit Wag. That means prioritizing you so you can work as you get better (and work on yourself). The only thing that helped me was therapist who specialized in depression, anxiety, and PTSD (my issues). Here is a book that helped me (used in conjunction with therapy- it is somewhat of a workbook since it has exercises):
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I would still walk dogs as I got help as it's good for you to make money to help support yourself and it's good to get outside and not lock yourself up indoors (makes your depression worse). The exercise and dogs will help. I would place that second to the therapy. Focus should be on that. It isn't hopeless. It feels hopeless because that's what depression does. If you have supportive family, reach out to them too.
FWIW, that lady is a bitch. Don't worry about her. She doesn't matter and she is probably miserable in her own life. I'm sensitive too, but just let it go and if it helps wish her to get hemorrhoids (I do this for fellow assholes I encounter..makes me feel better anyway lol)
For me, this one did the trick or at least made me understand
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
GoodReads
There're probably tons, though I don't know of any better than What Every Body is Saying and Spy the Lie.
Hope that helps!
The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions
There's this popular book called The 5 Love Languages that seems relevant to the issue you're talking about. I haven't actually read the book myself, but from what my therapist was saying the idea is that people sort of have preferred channels for demonstrating and receiving "love." On an intuitive level it sort of makes sense, and it explains a lot of the issues I've had in the past with a couple of my exes.
The fives languages are as follows:
For me it's mostly about quality time, then a tie between words of affirmation and affection, then acts of service, and then gifts (which hardly registers at all). You can take the official test to see how your languages are distributed. I don't usually buy into things like this, but it definitely helped explain a lot to me (although I should probably read the actual book).
It's super simple so you should focus on refining the few details that make up the sprite. You have:
The animation tries to add depth but it isn't quite there. You could have its right eye (stage left) go from two pixels to three as it moves from profile to 3/4 view (maybe a single frame during that transition could have the third pixel at 50% alpha), and have its left eye only expand to two pixels (never three).
You could have the shadow on the head move slightly to make the head rotation more obvious. The legs are okay but could look better. If you're really interested in animation, brush up your skills by looking up some tutorials or get a book like The Animator's Survival Kit.
You may also want to stick with the pink color palette rather than the white so it doesn't look like a ghast.
EDIT: Just saw your comments regarding magnets. Maybe change the negative to a dark blue instead of white.
> chocolate covered strawberries, flowers, candles
Despite what the media tells you, these kind of gestures will not generate sexual desire where there is none.
> she instantly starts being negative about the whole thing
Because she immediately sees what these gestures are about and activates her defense mechanisms.
> Am I right to be angry or not?
This was a covert contract: you do nice gesture X to get her to have sex with you, it doesn't happen, you get pissed.
This is an unhealthy pattern of behavior that you should get rid of. You can read the book.
Having said that, I strongly recommend that you take some time to really think about how shitty your marriage needs to get for you to get out.
He sounds like me 10 years ago.
Maybe you should check out the five love languages.
The crux is that everyone gives love and everyone receives love best in one of five ways: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch
It's possible you receive love with Words of Affirmation, and he gives his love in a different way. Does he buy you things? Spend time with you?
I have this with my dad, because he's a gifts guy generally, and I'm a quality time or words of affirmation person. It took a while to realize he loves me, but he shows it differently than I expect.
Nonmonogamy is like Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce: not for everyone and every situation, but excellent when it's right. And if someone is forcing you to have Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Sauce, something's not quite right.
It sounds like you're not cool with nonmonogamy in this situation, but you don't want to upset the relationship or your SO. At the very least, it sounds like you have some feelings about it that aren't entirely positive.
I would encourage you very, very strongly to talk with your SO about these feelings. Ethical nonmonogamy takes a lot of honest, difficult communication, and LDRs take a lot of communication, too. As someone who's poly, in a long distance relationship with my primary partner who has encounters outside of our relationship, I can say that it's one of the most difficult but rewarding things I've learned to do.
If you want further reading on nonmonogamy (and just relationships in general), I'd suggest The Ethical Slut by Easton & Hardy.
> and THEN when he starts touching me, it actually feels repulsive.
HUGE. Red. Flag.
These types of issues at only 3 months into the relationship, I'd move on to someone more compatible.
You're not LL, you're just LL for him.
You're not sexually attracted to him, and the Pursuer-Distancer pattern you have going on between you is killing off any remaining desire you have for him.
You're just not compatible sexually.
You both deserve to be with someone who is HL for you.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love can help you avoid an anxious-preoccupied partner in the future
If you're really wanting to try an open relationship, I highly recommend you read The Ethical Slut. It's an incredibly eye-opening book about how to deal with some issues that might occur when you're in any kind of relationship, not just open relationships (working through jealousy, managing your time, enjoying intimacy, laying down ground rules, etc). And then, once you're done with that book (assuming this girl agrees to the open relationship bit), have her read it too.
Your dad acted like a jerk and it sounds like he acts like a jerk a lot. I grew up pretty damn conservative and I gotta tell you, I don't think this is because he's conservative. I think he's a jerk.
Not sure if this will apply to you at all or not, but part of disengaging from my conservative family involved learning more about codependency. I discovered that I had spent my whole life trying to make sure that others around me were happy at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. I really recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to learn more about this. It was literally a life-changing book for me, and it might help you build some coping skills to deal with your dad.
I got you: Models by Mark Manson
Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy books such as Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.
I have mild depression and severe anxiety and it has done WONDERS.
It is NOT a silver bullet but it is much better than nothing. Results show that it is just as effective as meds.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
It may sound crazy, but I'd rather stay home, surf the internet, listen to music, and maybe read a book instead of hanging out with someone all day.
EDIT: read this book
You're short, you have acne, you dress poorly, you're no fun to be around, you have no friends/squad, you're shy/introverted/won't approach, you look like a boy and have no authority, you have no sexual experience ... why do you think you should have a girlfriend again?
I know I'm being harsh, but the earlier you learn this the better: you must offer value. Otherwise why do you think anyone would be with you?
Work on the things you can, accept the things you can't.
Short - no solution.
Acne - eat better, sleep better, see a dermatologist.
Learn to dress better.
Finally, learn to socialize. This will have all kind of cascading effects. You will be more fun to be around, you will have a squad, you will have authority based on your friends' opinions of you. It definitely won't be easy, and sure, it goes against what you think is your fundamental nature, but right now, your fundamental nature is also to be girlfriendless. How badly do you want to change the situation?
Some tips for being more sociable: Be generous with your time and thoughts. Compliment people. Listen to them. Think about what they need and offer to help them. Again, you must offer value. Sometimes you won't get anything back. That's part of the pain of the learning process. Let that unrequited kindness go.
Here's a book that may help you with your introverted nature. In part, the author recommends faking it until you make it. Make it into a game, so you can step away, and you can reward yourself for small bit of progress:
https://www.amazon.ca/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307352153/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Na2mzbM4MW1GS
Here's the book that saved my life. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427502059&sr=8-1&keywords=feeling+good
It's the most comprehensive book on the subject I know about. Unfortunately I'm not too keen on knowing other links and whatnot. But trust me, this will be the best eight bucks you'll ever spend. I hope this helps.
While I haven't read Ten Days to Self-Esteem, I would (and usually do) highly recommend Feeling Good by David Burns to damned near everyone. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped me tremendously not only in my self esteem but in how I manage everything else.
Edit: Found it as a .pdf for anyone that wants it.
A few, in no particular order:
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
http://amzn.com/1591792576
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Collins Business Essentials)
http://amzn.com/006124189X
Mastering Your Hidden Self: A Guide to the Huna Way (A Quest Book)
http://amzn.com/0835605914
My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies
http://amzn.com/0671019872
Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)
http://amzn.com/1573244988
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
http://amzn.com/0061438294
The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature
http://amzn.com/0060556579
Outliers: The Story of Success
http://amzn.com/0316017930
Iron John: A Book About Men
http://amzn.com/0306813769
Well said. I'm reminded of the book, Sex at Dawn in which the whole "males are more sexual than females" stereotype is debunked. A good read if you're interested in the subject.
Grandpa here, and I've been down this path. Like the time I bought her that white sweater.... it got returned. I also think back to my dad telling me how individualized cars are, and how it was a big epiphany to him when he realized that it was important for mom to have the car she wanted and not so much what he thought she needed. He and I were both engineers so our brain always wants to go to "let me calculate the solution you need" and people don't work that way.
Let me try to pass along some older guy wisdom, so walk with me here:
Your 'best efforts' as you phrase it were to give her gifts that were what you wanted her to have; not so much what she wanted to have. As an artist, your creations are always about you and your concept of whatever it is. Even if it's meant for someone else, dragon colors and everything. It's still very much your expression. To you, this is a very meaningful thing from you and I think that you want them to be a surprise.
But human psychology doesn't work that way. We all have very individualized ways of how we want to feel loved. That's the main point from the very popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. An issue is that lots of people lavish onto their spouse the treatment that they want, not realizing that it's not at all what the spouse wants and their attempts to make them feel love don't work at all. Unfortunately, it's super common.
Now this is where it seems like takes some real jedi mind reading skills and it ain't always easy. You're trying to completely remove the thinking of what you want and slide into their mind and think of what they want. With practice you can get really good at it over a lifetime. To be honest, it's a lot better to forget with the surprises and flat out ask what they want, gather the details and literally write it down. No joke.
Firstly, you should read The 5 Love Languages if you haven't already.
Secondly, you can not expect to have a healthy relationship if your attitude is "She kept things from me, so it's OK if I keep things from her!" That's childish, immature, and no way to treat your partner.
Thirdly, you should be direct and upfront with this girl if you want to continue the relationship. Don't hide things from her, especially things you think would upset her.
Lastly, the first few months of any relationship are great. That's what is known as the 'Honeymoon Phase'. Generally, it fades and either evolves into comfortable love, fizzles out entirely, or falls somewhere in between. Things between you will not be the same as they were then, if for no other reason than the fact that you now have a history together. Don't strive for that, instead work towards a happy, healthy, mutually respectful relationship with your partner.
Agree with the other post, you sound like a troll, however, here are some reading suggestions:
No More Mr Nice Guy book/can get the pdf using google
Married Man Sex Life blog/pdf
These are generally heavily recommended for anyone that wants to take a little more control of their marriage.
The Red Pill Room Blog of a married Red Piller
What you want to look for is "relationship game". Here is the result of the search on Chateau Heartiste.
There are some well known female bloggers that may have useful advice:
Red Pill Wifery
Sunshine Mary
Judgy Bitch
Here are some links on forgiveness which you may find helpful:
/u/invah's comment and compilation of links on forgiveness
Emily Yoffee's excellent article
Sister Renee's take on forgiveness over at Luke 17.3 ministries
Susan Forward also has some very useful writings on forgiveness in her book Toxic Parents
My personal experience has been that trying to prematurely forgive my nmother was a huge hindrance to my healing from the hurts she heaped on me, not a help. All it did was put me back in harm's way.
In the end, what worked for me was to accept that my nmother was never going to change, she was never going to apologize, and she was never going to stop, regardless of her occasional, random variations. She was never going to own her part in the process.
From your description above, it sounds like your mother is demanding absolution for her actions against you. She's not offering repentance for her behavior, and amends for the damage she has done as the first steps in the process of forgiveness. She won't take any responsibility for her behavior, and she wants you to do all the work...
Sticking around and tolerating bad behavior when the aggressor hasn't taken responsibility for their actions or changed their ways has a higher price than you might think at first.
In the end, what worked for me was going NC. My take on NC is don't do it one second earlier than you have to -- but don't stick around one second longer than you have to, once it's clear that it's the best option. I wasted literally decades of my life, trying to either fix the relationship with my nmother, or like you've described, trying to tolerate her behavior.
Big hugs (if you want them), because dealing with this cr&p is HARD.
May I suggest something? Splurge on something nice and pampering for the person who's been mothering the neglected, abused child inside you: you.
Get your mom a card or some flowers if you want, also, but do something nice for yourself. Mothering ourselves after a lifetime of hurt is one of the toughest, but also most rewarding, jobs.
Also a book suggestion, if you're interested: Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward.
Approximately 1/20 people are sociopaths. It doesn't even really make sense to call them mean—they're just enjoying themselves. They're scary and dangerous people.
There's a silver lining, though. That means 95% people aren't sociopaths and have a common and genuine sense of morality, fairness, and justice.
And the giant cloud to go with that silver lining is that, as a survival skill, sociopaths usually become experts at exploiting those tendencies to rope people into protecting them and even becoming complicit in their games.
I would recommend the book Toxic Parents to help you recognize and understand the patterns of abuse that you've been conditioned to accept as normal. It's not that you're an "underdeveloped child;" it's that you've been trained to normalize the bad behavior.
Also, I'm sure you'll get a choir of people singing it, but therapy. Therapy therapy therapy. Individual, couples, or group, whatever seems best for you, but get some.
Here are two resources I've found helpful. Both of these were game changers for me:
No More Mr Nice Guy: The dangers of "Nice Guy Syndrome" (which you're obviously encountering now). It's not about becoming an asshole, it's a systematic approach to helping you set healthy boundaries with others and to start respecting and taking care of yourself.
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty: How to apply the ideas in No More Mr Nice Guy to interactions with women you'd be interested in dating. The "pick up" community can be pretty trashy, but this is about becoming the person you really want to be so that you can attract the kind of person you want to spend time with. Great stuff.
I think the best place to start would be learning some traditional animation skills. Two really great resources are the Animators Survival Kit and The Illusion of Life. I would read the reviews to see what you think might be best. The Illusion of Life goes into a lot of Disney history and the history of animation itself. Once you get a feel for that, I'd check out Ross Plaskow's Youtube Channel. A lot of people say he has one of the best character animation tutorials. There's lots of different ways to animate characters (frame by frame, rigging with the puppet pins in after effects, rigging with duik in after effects, or rubber hose in after effects (a really easy to use way to create rubber hose style animation and my personal favorite), and adobe character animator - just to name a few. Just an FYI, I suck at character animation, I just really enjoy compiling educational resources. Anyways, I would suggest if you aren't feeling too confident, once you get the principles under your belt to invest in rubber hose if you can afford it. It's really simple to use which gets you making things faster, and I think that's one of the most important parts of learning (just having fun messing around and making stuff). School of Motion did a review on it if you wanna check that out, and Ross also shows how to use it for character animation on his channel. But just remember it's not about becoming dependant on the plugin, I just think it's a great way to get making things quickly.
I'm still not sure if your problem was with her actual phrasing or the phrase she probably meant to type. Try reading up, maybe. The Ethical Slut. Opening Up. It's ok if it's not for you, no need to complain about it though.
There are dozens of reasons I lose interest or let the conversation fade. Sometimes it's something innocuous that leaves a bad taste. Sometimes I realize I'm not invested at all and don't care how the person is doing/feeling/answers random questions. Often though, I just get busy and have no time to bother anymore.
One thing that has turned me off to OLD lately isn't even OLD. It's this sub and the constant barrage of people saying they've had enough of OLD. It'll never end. Forever alone. Ugh. Any kind of dating is what you make of it. Of course it gets to be much at times and people need breaks. Before OLD breaks were just being single and making yourself happy. Or being single and downing a bottle of wine during TGIF and sobbing a bit at Urkel. Now it's some big ordeal that we all have to whine about on the internet. I think I've just been spending too much time in this sub. It been a little bit daily for a while. I much more liked my once a week or less fill. /rant
Go commiserate with friends for a bit. Take the break. There's a whole ocean of people out there. But don't pick any of them, they're probably all dead.
Maybe get them this book? :P. Or this one?
Really, if I were you I'd just get them something tongue-in-cheek about misanthropy.
Jesus Christ. Who are you, Winston Smith? Let go of that fatalist attitude. It won't get you anywhere, except more depressed. Regardless of when you die, there's nothing you can do about time passed, so where's the sense in fretting over it? In addition to the advice I posted separately, I recommend reading some literature on changing your mindset. "Feeling Good" by David Burns is a good one. It costs $6 on amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1519412766&sr=8-1&keywords=feeling+good+david+burns
"What every body is saying" would be a great book to start with.
Hi there!
I'm so sorry to hear about your anxiety. I can definitely relate as I also struggle with panic attacks and anxiety and the infertility treatment process has been challenging in that regard.
This reply will be long, but hopefully helpful. I'm also on mobile so bear with me re: formatting/autocorrects...
If you need to take mental health breaks I recommend doing so. I've taken a few- a month here or there over the last three years and it can help. But, if you take a break you should also be doing what you can to address the anxiety itself, otherwise a break won't help.
If you don't address the anxiety on its own terms, returning to treatment will bring the anxiety back with it.
If you haven't already, find a therapist or counsellor who deals with anxiety and (if possible) who understands and works with infertility. Most fertility clinics will have a list of therapists they recommend.
If you don't have the financial resources for a therapist there are cognitive behavioural things you can do on your own to help. I recommend doing these even if you do have a therapist as they can provide coping tools in the moment you are having anxiety.
There are a number of apps that can be helpful. Anxiety BC (a government sponsored mental health resource in Canada) had a great mobile app with a number of tools for anxiety and panic attacks. You can find it here. It is geared toward teens and young adults but is usable and applicable to people in all stages of life. You just might see examples that mention school stress etc.
Pacifica is also a good free app with anxiety tools. As is Stop, Breath, Think (which focuses on mindfulness). All of these apps are free. They have in app purchases but the free resources are more than enough.
There is a desktop and mobile compatible site I use sometimes when I know I need to work on breathing. http://xhalr.com you can use the settings to time the length of inhale, paused and exhales to your comfort level. I recommend 4-2-6 or 6-2-6 seconds. The interface is minimalistic and soothing. I use it at my desk when I feel panic coming. Many people find this kind of breathing can alleviate panic attacks like you are experiencing.
If, like me, focusing on your breath when you are already in a panic attack makes things worse not better, try a grounding exercise. I use one I call "5 things". You can say it out loud if you have privacy or you can do it in your mind while you are in public.
To do this, simply focus on 5 things for each sense. So, you say to yourself. "What are 5 things I feel?", and list them. "I feel the fabric of my pants on my thighs, I feel my feet in on the ground, wind on my skin, i feel tingles in my hands, etc" just any 5 sensations you feel in your body. Then 5 things you see, hear etc. Repeat as necessary.
There are also some workbooks you can get and work with on your own if therapy isn't an option.
My therapist recommends reading Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy to get a sense of the basics of cognitive behavioural therapy. This is an older book (1980's ish) but is a good foundation. Not everything in the book will apply to everyone, and no book should be considered a replacement for working with a qualified professional, but I find them helpful for adding to my mental toolkit.
A doctor once gave me Mind Over Mood which is a helpful workbook with concrete exercises to get you practicing CBT. This can be very helpful.
**edited from desktop to add links
Nope, had some anxiety (because of heart palpitations) and doctor suggested talking to a psychologist and oh hey we have one right here. Garden variety behavioral therapy.
No one mentioned it was $1000 an hour until I got a bill 2 months later.
The only memorable thing I got out of it was a recommendation for a book: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 which appears to be the beginner's guide to do-it-yourself cognitive behavior therapy.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy and keeping a journal. Maybe try reading this book. It helped me a lot.
Edit: Also, maybe try not following all of the advice in this thread about drinking and having casual sex. You may just turn into a sex addicted alcoholic.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susain Cain. Highly recommended. Changed the way I felt about my self in a very positive way.
Also check out this book:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307352153/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ApQACbCDH85KV
It's a good read for understanding ourselves and hopefully help your Mom too.
buy this. http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
Maybe I'm thinking of a different pose, but I'm not too sure about this, Joe Navarro says in his book
> When people place their arms behind their backs, first they are saying, “I am of higher status.” Second, they are transmitting, “Please don’t come near me; I am not to be touched.” This behavior is often misunderstood as merely a pensive or thinking pose, but unless seen in someone studying a painting at a museum, for example, it is not. Putting the arms behind the back is a clear signal that means, “Don’t get close; I don’t want to make contact with you”.
so you may be perceived differently than you think? I'm not too sure myself, because this always have to be seen in context and many more factors, but I'm reading this book at the moment and the quoted paragraph came to mind, so I thought I might share.
Hey man,
You mentioned that you went through some pretty extreme depression. What kind of treatment did you get?
There are some things this subreddit might be able to recommend, but if you're still battling with depression (remember, there's no shame in that) it's probably over our heads.
If you haven't gone through therapy, it sounds like that could be a good option for you. Remember that there is nothing wrong with getting help. Probably you know that (since you're asking here) but it's worth repeating – getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you can't or won't go to therapy for whatever reason, I highly recommend you pick up "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. You can get the paperback for $6 on Amazon. I think learning about cognitive distortions will really help you, as I can see a few in your post. Even if you do go to therapy, the book is worth a read.
Again, remember that this doesn't say anything about your self-worth. It's just something you're going through right now, but you can work to fix it.
As an example of some things in your post:
>a few hours after I wake up I realize that I can't fix myself
Remember that you aren't broken. You can change if you want to, but that doesn't mean you're broken. I believe in you, and you believe in yourself at least a little bit, or you wouldn't have made this post. You can do this.
>I used to eat healthier, now I'm nothing
You are not nothing. You are a human person, and nothing in the world can take that away from you. There is nothing that can take away your worth as a human being.
>I have time, I'm just not using it properly.
It's awesome that you've realized this on your own. I'm sure you've been thinking through all of this a lot, and the fact that you've reached this conclusion shows some real insight. Lots of people will never admit to themselves that they really do have the time – you're off to a good start with this.
How can you start? I don't know where you're located, but Psychology Today has a simple tool that can help you find a therapist. I'd check it out and, if the option is there, look for someone that does cognitive therapy.
Outside of steps like that, take small actions. Even micro actions. Heck, the smaller the better. These actions should be easy to start and easy to finish, but finishing them accomplishes something, anything, towards making your life better. You can check out the subreddit /r/NonZeroDay if you need ideas (and also read the post that inspired the subreddit).
Baby steps will help you build confidence. They will help you prove to yourself that you can do things that make a difference. Plus, the results of those actions will help you level up your life all on their own.
That's what I've got for you. I hope it helps, and please, please don't hesitate to ask questions or PM me.
Remember, I believe in you.
(Just by way of background, I'm a father of a young child and a person who used to struggle with discipline due to depression.)
Your son probably struggles with discipline because he has anxiety and depression, not because he's unaware of the fact that discipline is a good idea or that you would like him to be more disciplined. I'm not sure what good could come out of a discussion like the one you're envisioning. He already knows you want him to be more disciplined and trying to tell him that for the hundredth time or hold his tuition over his head as a threat is just going to make him feel judged, unworthy, and anxious.
Being depressed and anxious means that he already has a voice in his head that's constantly telling him he's not good enough, that he's lazy and undisciplined and that he's basically a worthless piece of shit. That's how depression works. And the way anxiety works is that the voice also tells him that it's completely hopeless, that all the things he has to do are too much and that he's never going to be able to manage. Also that everybody he knows especially his parents see that he's lazy and worthless, etc. So when you come along, no matter how tactfully you try to put it, and point out that he's not as disciplined as you like, you're just confirming all those horrible, DEMOTIVATING thoughts that he has. When you add the threat of withdrawing his tuition (which seems like a horrible idea anyway IMO) you're adding a whole layer of anxiety on top of that.
You need to counteract those voices rather than confirming them. He needs to hear that he is worthy, that he can do it, that he is accepted, etc. and it's going to be hard for him to believe that because he has a CONSTANT voice in his head arguing the opposite.
I would suggest that you take a different tack entirely. First, you have to really understand, deep down, that he's not just lazy or doing this to spite you or whatever. Things are just harder for him. Being undisciplined is not a choice he is making, it's a result of the negative thoughts he has because of depression and anxiety (and also that he doesn't necessarily yet have all the tools to counteract those thoughts.) Empathize with him instead of judging him or pushing him. He doesn't need a push, he needs acceptance and love and support.
Tell him that you are proud of him for the progress he has made and that you support him entirely. Let him see that you recognize that it's hard for him to do these things and that you empathize but that you know he can do it and if he ever needs help with anything that he can come to you and you will not judge him. (I wouldn't expect him to believe you at first, but if you mean it and you actually start living that way, he will notice the change.)
Encourage him to continue therapy and meds (assuming that's what the doctor and/or therapist are recommending.) Maybe you can very lightly suggest that he talk with his therapist about the kind of challenges he will face in college. Maybe you could give him a book like Thoughts & Feelings or Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy and let him know that you read online that it can help people who have anxiety and depression learn how to handle things a little better.
tl;dr: Less expectations and threats, more acceptance and support.
Das war glaub der Sympathischste Text den ich jeh gelesen hab.
Ich kenn Dich nicht, aber ich würd Dich total gerne in Ruhe lassen und mit zuhenem Mund kauen, damit Du nen guten Tag hast.
Ich hoffe ehrlich Du packst den ganzen Scheiß.
Btw.: wenn Du Dir wirklcih oft Vorwürfe machst, check mal das Buch hier. Ist zwar offiziell zur Hilfe bei Depressionen, hat mir aber vorrangig geholfen mir nicht immer Selbstforwürfe zu machen und mich nicht vor mir selbst schlecht zu reden. Ich weiß, ich weiß, Selbsthilfebücher, aber für mich wars echt gut.
PLEASE read this before doing what you're planning. I know it's quite long, but I really want to help you make the best decision here.
Have you considered dressing like a monk, and carrying around cards you've printed out that explain you've taken a vow of silence? You could become a real monk and actually take such a vow, or you could just fake it. Either way would be preferable to cutting out your tongue. And if your family doesn't believe you, so what? You can explain that you actually have a phobia of speaking to them (through written text if necessary), or not. Either way, they'll still think better of you than if you follow through with cutting your tongue out.
(It would be even easier to carry cards that say "I am mute" or "I have a phobia of speaking," but you seem to have convinced yourself that you need some sort of excuse, which is why I'm suggesting the vow. If you can find the courage to be honest, then do so, but I'm guessing that might be a bit much for a first step, given that you're planning to chop your tongue off to avoid such honesty.)
In the long term, you should go to a therapist, and work out your fear of speaking. I highly recommend Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Check out the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" to get started by yourself. I know, the title sounds like some bullshit self-help book, but trust me, it's legit.
However, in the short term, it sounds like you're obviously desperate for an immediate solution, so I'd highly suggest you try mine.
Think about your favorite food in the world. Do you really want to take your ability to taste it, and anything else, and flush it down the toilet forever? Do you really want to lose the ability to speak, or French kiss, or anything else we do with our tongues, if it turns out there's a cure for your phobia of speaking? (And there is; I just linked it to you.)
If you're afraid of speaking, the problem that you truly want to fix isn't that you have a tongue—it's that you're afraid of speaking. I know that it's tempting to take the "easy" solution, and that the mere thought of going to therapy and practicing talking is probably absolutely terrifying to you. But here's the thing: there's nothing wrong with being terrified. Phobias are scary by their very definition. And that's not even a bad thing. A novel would be boring without some obstacle for the main character to try and overcome. We all have our obstacles. Your obstacle is not your own tongue. Your obstacle is whatever warped thoughts you are having that make your tongue seem like it is the obstacle, and that make cutting out your tongue seem preferable to having to speak to people. You can fix those warped thoughts.
> "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them." -Epictetus
You are not disturbed by your tongue. You are not disturbed by other people expecting you to speak to them. You are disturbed by the views which you have taken of these things.
I know it's hard, man. I'm not exactly the epitome of perfect mental health myself. But the future you that seduces and kisses the partner of your dreams is just as much of a real possibility as the future you that has no tongue, even if it seems like that's impossible. And while it won't be easy to develop your social skills, trust me when I say that it'll be a hell of a lot easier than living without a tongue.
But if I can't convince you to do the hard part right away, then don't. Take that vow of silence, or fake one. That vow will be as permanent or as temporary as you want it to be. A month, a year, or fifty years from now, you might want to give it up, and you can. Or you might want to keep it, and continue to never talk to anyone, and you'll have that option as well. Take or fake that vow, and every future You will always have that freedom of choice. Cut your tongue out and flush it down the toilet, and none of them will. Maybe the You that starts the guillotine is okay with not having a tongue, but that You will stop existing when that present become the past. The only You that actually exists is the one reading the sentence right now. And now, that You has permanently vanished from existence, and a slightly different You is reading this sentence. You can decide to take a vow of silence for current You, but please allow me to speak on the behalf of every single future You when I ask you to not force each and every one of them to live without a tongue, from the You that's in intense pain and bleeding profusely from their mouth; to the You that misses being able to taste that dish Mom used to make when she wanted to cheer you up, but now she never bothers because she knows it will just make you feel worse; to the You that's lived an entire life without a tongue and is now about to die. You deserve the right to be able to choose to not speak to people—every You deserves that right. Please, let them make that choice for themselves. I know you will find this very hard to believe at the moment, but trust me: they will thank you.
If you've gotten this far and you're still insistent on cutting it out, at least eat the feast of your dreams first, while you can still enjoy it. Carefully observe the flavors, textures, and sensations as best you can—because if you do go through with your plan, your memories of what it's like to taste food will be the best you've got. Reflect upon whether or not that's a fair and reasonable price to pay for an excuse to not talk to people, after your last spoonful of your ice cream sundae.
@ OP: Give yourself more tools to work with.
This book was recommended to me by my therapist. I felt stronger and more sure of my thoughts after finishing just the first chapter. In less than a year after reading it, I stopped taking my anti-depressants permanently. I keep Dr. Burns' book on my shelf, like a reference book.
I detest self-help books. This one's different. It's been in print for twenty years, so it's probably at the library.
you can still be happy and deaf.
if it s possible , i recommend go to psychologist who is expert for cognitive-behaviour therapy.
if not u can always benefit from the book below.just not read it like a novel, use it like an exercise book. do everything it says.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
@ OP. If you hear a faint trumpet, it may be the Cavalry coming over the hill. This book was recommended to my by my therapist. I have gifted many copies to friends and family.
First of all I despise self-help books. I have found many to be the long form of "First, lift yourself by your own hair".
This one is different. After finishing the first chapter, I felt better in a "Holy Crap! I'm OK! And it's going to get better!" kind of way. If you are capable of being honest with yourself, "Feeling Good" can help you get rid of depression (I stopped taking anti-depressants within a year of reading), lessen anxiety and learn how to protect yourself from self-destructive thought patterns.
It's been in print for 20 years, so it must have something to recommend it, eh? Check out the reviews on the link. But the book is probably available at your local library.
So the biggest mistake that a lot of students myself included make, is that they want to get into the really cool stuff first. Animating Spider-man and fight scenes and other bad ass stuff is absolutely why we do what we do. But before being able to do any of that, the fundamentals of animation really need to be hammered in. And the best way to do this is to animate very basic stuff like a ball, or a tail, doing this will help you understand weight and timing. One of the things that I heard repeated constantly in school was that a bouncing ball can be used in most objects, even someone like spiderman. Picture his hips are a ball, and then get the timing of that ball swinging perfect so that it looks like is actually swinging on something. And from there you can start adding more things that make it look real, start animating the arms, then the legs, and the body, and the head. Trying to dive head first with no experience into a complex character will lead to frustration and potentially bad habits.
​
Check out this video on the 12 Principles of Animation, it can seem kind of tedious to learn all of them, but they are all important, some more then others depending on the kind of animation you are doing.
​
For my experience, I started school in late 2011, and it took me 5 years of work to break into the industry after animating constantly. Mind you I was (am) an extremely slow learner with animation, I wasn't good at retaining the information and would constantly blaze past the boring stuff because I just wanted to animate "cool" stuff. I got a job finally last year, and since then I have worked on five different movies, 3 or 4 advertisements including briefly on a game cinematic, and am now currently working on a projected theme park show for one of the biggest theme parks in the world. Being where I am now came with a ton of hard work but also a fair amount of luck and willingness to make friends and connections.
​
If you are serious about pursuing animation and you think you can become passionate about the art and the history behind it, then I would suggest pursuing some form of education in it. There are a ton of online schools with some very talented teachers, and while expensive, they are still cheaper then going to a university.
​
Like I said, it has taken me forever to grasp animation, sometimes I still think the studios are making a mistake in hiring me haha, but I work hard and am eager to learn more. The best advice I can give you is to start basic, work your way up, learn the stuff about animation that only animators can see, and practice as often as you can.
​
Edit: I figure I should mention this as well, a man named Richard Williams who unfortunately passed away just a few days ago wrote what is widely considered the animation bible. I doubt you will find an animator that doesn't own or hasn't put at least some time into reading it. I would highly suggest picking it up, it's called The Animator's Survival Kit, and it's as legendary as he is.
But you could start off by reading the book by Allen Pease:
https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723
> he doesn't ever offer to cook
> He doesn't buy me flowers, light candles or organise dates for us
You sound like an acts of service kind of woman. Go read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, figure out what your husband is, then start loving on him in his languages. He should naturally reciprocate. Try it for like one month and see if it works.
FYI: People typically have a primary and a secondary language. Use both of his (and get to know yours).
Just because they gave you attention and support, it might not have been the attention and support your mind craved.
example: your parents hug you and show up at your games and tell you you're amazing.. but your mind needs motivation.
Sometimes parents are too easy to please, so their kids don't feel the need to please them, and thus crave things/people to please, and usually they aren't positive.
Edit: I'm referring to different "love languages" here. I re read my comment and it doesn't make total sense, but this is a great read for more than just SO relationships.
"Nice guys" aren't actually nice, they just think they can trade "being nice" for sex. When that doesn't work out then the "nice guys" turn into unhappy ass-holes, while they watch the women they pine over fall for someone else. I know this, because I started out as a "nice guy" and had a lot of growing up to do to reverse the crazy ideas that media and society put into my head about how love and relationships work.
Here's a good place to start:
Both of those books are filled with solid advice about how to extricate your head from your ass.
They're probably referring to No More Mr Nice Guy, which is based around correcting Nice Guy tendencies. It looks like this meetup is actually related to this book as well.
Opening Up
Ethical Slut
You should both read The Ethical Slut. Every topic you could possibly imagine related to this lifestyle is covered in the book. I highly recommend reading it and writing notes in your margins and then sharing your notes with your partner, and then reading hers.
From a personal standpoint, poly-relationships are very, very possible once you get over your own insecurities.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a good place to start :)
Also How to Win Friends and Influence People is great for learning how to be an adult in a social setting and look good while doing it.
You might enjoy the book Attached.
I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).
On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.
Try to understand her. This might be really difficult. I recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" (www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/) and googling polyamory (I like this)
The decision she is forcing you to make sounds different than I would phrase it in her place. Probably she found out about her poly inclinations and values them. But she also values you and doesn't want to lose you. But as yourself I would ask myself: If I had just met this lady and she had told me first point that she wants to life a poly lifestyle, would I start a relationship with her?
Why am I saying this? Because what she does probably not want is someone who grant her the rights, but is totally unhappy with the situation. You should try to understand her and her new lifestyle and then decide if you can life with it or not. If you can, stay together. If you can't, tell her and see what's more important to her - you or her lifestyle.
Be openminded. I don't think that her position makes that little sense, but it's definetely not mainstream.
I would NOT assume that she has already slept with someone else - because after all she is coming out to you about this in an honest way and you should appreciate this honesty.
I think though, that she probably has someone else in mind.
For me the central question concerning this issue is about how you define love, in an exclusive way or not. Why shouldn't people be allowed to love more than one person?
just my 2 cents.
You do stand a chance of pulling it off but first some reading:
Not necessarily in that order.
Have you thought about a poly relationship? There are plenty of people who don't have sexual relationships with their primary partner, but do maintain a serious connection and life together. This can be because of mismatched kinks, sexuality, sex drive, physical disability, whatever. If you have a great life together otherwise, why get rid of it? I'm bi, I'm married with kids, I have a girlfriend who I love dearly (who happens to also be married) and my life is full of joy. I never really explored my sexuality until we decided to open up our relationship and honestly, it's been easier to explore because I have my marriage to hide behind if I need to. My husband is so supportive and accepting, it's really nice.
If a non-monogamous relationship seems like something that might work for you, I would suggest reading the book Opening Up. The only people who can define your marriage are you and your husband.
You have one shot at life, do it right and be happy, lady. :)
Definitely say something! I think the two of you need to have a discussion about this when you are NOT in the bedroom or watching porn-ish movie scenes. You need to find a way to separate the fantasy and dirty talk from the actual discussion about this.
Don't be afraid to put your cards in the table. Tell her your concerns.
I identified as straight for many years. I'm in a hetero marriage. But now I consider myself bisexual and I've had relationships with women. It is clear to me that if I'd met Ms. Right instead of Mr. Right, I would have identified as lesbian. But I often think trying to define sexually is just.... Semantics. Your wife is interested in some sort of experimentation with you, and you two need to decide if it is staying as fantasy (dirty talk in her ear) or if it'll possibly happen someday.
I highly recommend the book Opening Up to help you both have a better discussion about these sorts of things.
Narcissism and Machiavellianism never got me anywhere worthwhile.
I've been reading this book recently, I found it helps with women of course but basic interactions with anyone as well.
It's a great blueprint, it's more about finding and expanding your true Alpha self than using arcane techniques to pass off as an Alpha.
Don't be only invested in you. Be driven, invested in yourself but make a bit of room for someone else. Don't brag but enjoy sharing yourself with someone who deserves it.
Be interested in them but don't let that influence you. Don't be arrogant, respect their opinions but don't ever change who you are for them.
I used to manipulate others, now I'd rather be upfront. "You're trying to get me to do x or y, for your sole benefit? I won't stand for that, goodbye."
Don't dwell and plot in the shadows, expose yourself boldly and stand your ground. You'll save time and effort. And you'll feel relieved and comforted that you've stayed true to yourself and your values.
pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut. Read it. It's basically a 101 guide to "what is this poly thing, how do people do it, where could I fit in with it"... there are a ton of other books on the subject (I've heard "Opening Up" is good), but that's the one that I know and love, and where I've drawn most of my inspiration for my poly relationship (almost 3 years now ^_^)
It's difficult to say everything that needs to be said in a concise way to someone who is just starting out, but I do want to say that you are in a great starting place - knowing that you love your wife, and this is something that you would like to know more about... that's better than a lot of couples looking to open up (or members of a couple). She trusted you enough to open up about her feelings rather than go behind your back and cheat to fulfill these desires... all of this is a good place to be
The thing about poly is that it is not a get out of jail free card for one partner to do all the gallivanting around they want to do without concern for the other person's feelings. To really work, it needs to work for both/all people involved. There needs to be communication and compassion. Ditching your partner at a bar to make out with some else is super shitty behavior, and not a normal part of healthy poly.
More than two is a great resource with tons of articles about polyamory that was super helpful to me when I first started exploring it. The Ethical Slut is a good intro book as well.
Edit: formatting
I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.
I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.
Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.
After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.
We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.
I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!
Good luck on spreading the love!
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706
http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/
I'll be the voice of dissent here and suggest that you try it. What do you have to lose? You're young and thinking of leaving the relationship anyway. If you try it--really try it--and it doesn't work out, then you'll leave the relationship. It's a wash.
Polyamory is fucking scary, but it may pay dividends. I suggest you read this book with your SO:
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
Good luck!
Warning: I'm going to shit all over your post and you will be mad about it. But if you really want to improve, you will swallow this bitter medicine and start on the road to actually becoming attractive.
> I'm not entitled
Yes you are. This whole post is dripping with resentment because things aren't going your way.
Does that upset you? It will because we aren't going to take your bullshit.
I hate to rain on your pity parade, but that's life. Nobody is going to hand you the keys to riches or women just because you fucking want it. You need to put your shoulders to the plough and work for it.
> I believe I'm cursed
The universe is incapable of blessing or cursing anybody. You have a bad case of demanding the universe (and women) should like you because you are friendly to them and they are friendly in return.
It doesn't work like that.
Literally this whole post can be boiled down to a spoiled child throwing a tantrum because his favorite toy was taken away.
You can cry about it, or you can make yourself better.
> I literally get friendzoned by every single girl.
That's because you aren't being honest with them or yourself. You want to bang these women, but you don't have a spine to actually show them that intent until long after you feel safe that they like you. You are sneaking around their emotions like a thief. You are trying to trick them into bed with a fake facade of "being nice".
Literally, you are a coward.
You won't make a sexual move until long after the friend relationship has started.
> I'm 100% convinced like me who just flat out act like I'm the most hideous guy when I actually have the balls to escalate our situation.
But you don't escalate the situation. You friendzone them immediately. You make no move. Then, long after the friend relationship is established, your real intent comes out and she realizes that the previous relationship was a complete and utter lie to try and get into her pants.
Imagine your best friend suddenly confessed his undying love to you. How would you react? Like a little snot-nosed shit, if this post is any indication.
> I truly don't see why [my friends] have success and I don't [...] they aren't that much different from me.
I see this all the time at my gym. People come wanting to have the washboard abs and the chiseled chest, but what do they do? They show up for two days, then never come back again. I see this over and over. You know who gets those abs? Those who put hundreds of hours in the gym. There is no shortcut.
You know why your friends are successful? They talked, flirted, and were rejected by hundreds of girls before finding the one "who wants the D". But you don't see all that hard work. You only notice their results. They are different from you because they put in the work and you did not. For whatever reason, you don't see how much work they put into their game.
You aren't going to get rippling pectorals from two pullups. It takes hundreds of pullups before you see results. Likewise, it takes hundreds of approaches and rejections before you start seeing results and improvements with women.
>I do everything right but still fail
You want to know a secret? You can do everything right and still fail. Not every girl is going to like you. Not every girl is going to sleep with you. Most of all, these girls aren't going to put up with your bullshit.
>Any advice?
So you made it this far without ragequitting. There might be hope for you yet.
First, flush all of that bullshit I've pointed out from your system. Write off all the "progress" you think you've made. You need to get back to the basics and practice fundamentals. If you aren't prepared for a long hard grind, then stop reading right now and come back when you are humiliated and humbled enough to actually start grinding.
Now I want you to pick up a copy of Models. Read the whole thing. Thanksgiving is coming up, so I know you will have time. Especially the first part.
Did that book sink in? If not, go reread it again.
Now read your post above. Think about what you've read and look at how your neediness, entitlement, and bitter resentment is gushing throughout your post.
Next is fucking bootcamp. You need to rack up approaches and rejections like a junkie with a bad habit. You need to put in the sweat and blood and fear flirting is reflexive. This isn't a Q&A subreddit. This is a gym. We can help, but only if you put in the work. There are no shortcuts here.
Along the way, you need to build out yourself into somebody attractive. There are hundreds of posts about "Inner Game" here and Models talks about it extensively in the first part. This is how you become a better person. This is how you kill resentment and bitterness. This is how you become a better man.
And finally, so there are no surprises, this takes a long time and it takes effort. Hundreds of approaches. Hundreds of rejections. How fast or slow you progress is directly proportional to the effort and time you put in. Again, no shortcuts.
This will take months. It might take years. It's all up to you.
Now, are you going to start the grind, or will you continue to complain?
Dude, women are people--not assets. This is a person you like. Definitely stay friends with her.
Read Models by Mark Manson and watch this crappy quality video of one of his talks. Best beginner advice there is.
"Codependent No More" is a standard written by Melody Beattie. I have to admit it's been years since I read it, but I remember it having a profound impact on me. It made me see things from a completely different perspective. She has a bunch of other books as well that would probably be worth checking out.
I have a similar history as you and my stomach was in knots reading your first post. In my late teens/early 20's I was in a relationship that turned abusive, and towards the end he used my past as a weapon against me. It was like he constantly had to remind me that I was "damaged goods" to keep my self esteem low enough to stick around. Like your husband, he was a good man who destroyed himself with alcohol and mental illness that he refused to get help for. I felt like a failure when it ended too, although it was probably the best decision I ever made in my life. I think you know deep down what you have to do, and I applaud you for your courage in taking that first baby step.
Please don't let any misplaced feelings of guilt keep you in a toxic relationship. You cannot fix him, and in a way you are only enabling his self-destruction by staying around and making excuses for his behavior. He hasn't been taking any steps to get well from the sounds of it, and he's using being sick as a way to manipulate you (i.e. ending up in the psych ward any time you go see your family) This has clearly devolved into a textbook alcoholic/co-dependent relationship, and if I could give you one piece of advice it would be to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, and start going right away. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helped me, in every aspect of my life. This book was a life changer for me as well.
Ending an unhealthy marriage is not failing, it is a way of taking ownership of your life back. It's actually quite courageous in a way. The fact that you married someone with these problems isn't a failing either. You have what many abuse survivors have-an innate sense of empathy for other people in pain. There is a reason so many of us grow up to be caretakers, and often end up with damaged people who hurt us. It's that empathy and deep understanding that draws you in. It's not low self esteem, or masochism, like so many people suggest. It's not a character flaw-in fact it can become a positive trait if you harness it the right way. From the sounds of it you already are through your advocacy.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that your story resonated with me a lot, and I'm pulling for you. I think you are on your way to making the right choice, and I hope you love yourself enough to go through with it. If you ever need someone to talk to who can relate, feel free to send me a PM.
How To Win Friends and Influence People is a good place to start.
I am not equipped to help you out here because a lot of what you're saying doesn't sound like a good enough situation to be voluntarily testing the breaking points for a relationship on top of it all. There's a lot of tension in your lives that you might want to resolve a bit first. If you're open to it - actually, really, open to it, you both need to talk about it and all of the issues you've got already and how to resolve those as well as mediate your insecurities and boundaries.
One thing though:
>I don’t want to demand that he only see someone else x days a week cause that’s kinda shitty
This isn't, by any means, a one size fits all relationship style - it's fairly anarchic. You get to make your own rules. Especially to start, it sounds like you are going to need a lot of extra attention paid to you to reaffirm that your bond is strong and you feel special. He needs to be there to do that and he should want to because he loves you and wants you to be happy too. Ensuring that you have appropriate time for each other is absolutely key.
My wife and I have rules about how many dates per week are appropriate because we want to ensure that neither of us feels neglected by the other. We want to make sure we both feel special and loved and enjoy all that new relationship energy and intimacy with others without guilt or worry.
That's what's great about all this - you can tailor your relationship to fit your desires and needs. But it's work.
Do yourself a favor and check out these resources:
https://www.morethantwo.com/
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
The Ethical Slut
and this one that I just discovered and is awesomely helpful for dealing with jealousy (which you are like 99% guaranteed to feel):
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola
Don't go into this lightly or on a whim, please communicate with each other and ensure that this is what you want. You can go forward, but you cannot go back the way you came and assume you'll end up where you started.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man's_Search_for_Meaning. Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning.
More recently, "Attached" by Amir Levine. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139.
I believe the poster is referring to attachment theory, which is not gender-based but has more to do with early formative experiences.
I also "get attached easily" (anxious attachment, as it is called ).
And I'm hardly feminine and have plenty of options (and the experiences to verify it).
It actually means that you have to be MORE selective, to ensure you're not connecting with someone who is on the opposite side of the attachment equation ( someone who is "avoidant" ).
more info:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468767337&sr=8-1&keywords=attached+amir
When you learn martial arts, the instructor doesn't just tell you to go in and fight! He teaches you technique. Game is exactly the same, yes practice is great, but if you don't even know the basics, get your head in the books, get a coach, or however you wanna learn. Credit to Arash for the analogy.
Recommended reading
Women Ignition by 60YearsOfChallenge (intermediate-master) <--- This dude was my mentor and I am a beast for that, much love to ya 60!
Anything by RSD/Real Social Dynamics ( Beginner-Master)
Mystery Method (Beginner)
The Game (SUPER beginner)
The Ultimate Guide to Text and Phone Game By Nick Savoy/Braddock (Looks cheesy but it really is a great book)
Recommended websites
mASF (general advice beginner-master)
Casanovacrew (L.A/Vegas lairs/meetings)
RSD (Great coaches/solid game beginner-master)
Recommended Puas to follow
Manwhore (sexual escalation/love this bro/he's not a douche, comes off that way.... nice guy)
Psych/Dj Fuji (VERY structured game)
Mystery/Neil Strauss/Matador (Mystery Method, the torch carriers of game)
Tyler Durden/Jeffy/Brad P (RSD, some of the biggest names, very good)
Bravo (online game/really great guy/highly recommend him)
Arash ( This dudes inner game is on point. I have one of his speeches saved, I'll upload if you want it Seddit) <--- Really nice dude, nothing like I thought he was gonna be
Hypnotica (Inner game master, talked to this dude once, I felt and still feel amazing)
Get to reading!
Edit:Updated shit.
Second this. The FBI's top expert on body language. Actual book title is What Every BODY is Saying
Since he was taken in for possible child porn charges, I think you are pretty well off assuming you are out of his interest range.
By what you described, I think he does not remember you and has no actual interest in you, but situational awareness is something that I think should be an effing basic school requirement.
I got that book just to further my education as a security agent, but after reading it, people make more sense.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
I've been reading Sex at Dawn recently which argues that in our agricultural ancestors lived non-monogamous lives during our hunter-gatherer days. The gist of it is that humans spent most of humanity living an egalitarian lifestyle that in a historical sense, was only disrupted recently.
While the book has nothing at all to do with UBI, reading between the lines it would seem that humans have the wiring to return to that sort of lifestyle, but we have a couple centuries of cultural baggage we need to get past.
This lines up pretty well with the book Sex at Dawn, which I read recently. It's quite an interesting read.
I try to remember that extroverts don't know how to handle us any more than we know how to handle them.
Then, you can be snarky and tell them "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt", but that's not likely to endear you to anyone that doesn't already know you well.
Alternatively, you can keep a copy of Susan Cain's excellent book in your desk, maybe even on your desk, and offer to let anyone making these comments borrow it.
Those kind of people can fuck off. This representative clearly lives in a bubble. Don't be ashamed of what kind of person whom you are. If a person is a friend of yours then s/he will respect your introversion. Now, yes, extreme introversion is an issue (as is with any extreme), but there is absolutely nothing wrong with simply having an introverted personality.
Now in regards for something more productive, I would go and talk to your dorm representative and attempt to have an honest discussion on why her perspective is demeaning, misunderstood, and incorrect.
I highly recommend the book by Susan Cain: Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. Introversion is something that is highly misunderstood and it is extremely important to have open discussion.
Edit: Spelling is hard. Added link.
Edit 2: Spelling is very hard.
This is something I've always felt, and had confirmed when reading Quiet. She talks about one of the common related traits of introversion being High Sensitivity, which sounds to me like what you're talking about. You're really sensitive to your "emotional surroundings" as it were.
The way I think of it is like this: if you had super-sensitive hearing, being out in the world all day would be a real trial. Hearing cars zoom by, constant chatter, etc would wear you out and you'd need to go home and get some silence to rest your eardrums. I feel that way about emotions/people. After a day or two of being around other people a lot, even just being in the office, I need some "emotional quiet time."
I also have the same reaction to awkward/embarassing things in movies or TV. My first strong memory of having that reaction was during the Mr. Bean movie, which I saw with my family. In many scenes, they were laughing uncontrollably and I just wanted to look away.
For me, probably the best self-help book I've read has been Feeling Good: The new mood therapy by David Burns. Its a book focused on using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to deal with depression.
I wouldn't suggest you rush to your doctor with the question, "am I seriously depressed?" If you live in the west, there's a 99% chance that an M.D. will shove a multiple choice test at you, which may or may not come back showing you are depressed. If it shows you are depressed, your doctor will prescribe an antidepressant... which may or may not make you feel better, but it will definitely not have any real effect on the root of your problems.
I think the answer to the question, "am I seriously depressed?" lies in another question: does your mood have a chronically negative impact on your life? everyone gets sad from time to time, but does your mood interfere with your your relationships, or your work, or impede your ability to achieve your goals and take enjoyment out of day to day life?
If the answer is yes, then you should do something to change your mood. In my experience, the best way to change your mood is by working with a good shrink. You want a registered psychologist, or a professional counsellor with an MSW degree (Masters of Social Work). There are any number of people in the phone book calling themselves "therapists" or "counsellors" but those names might not necessarily mean anything more than a 1 or 2 year diploma, and maybe much less than that. Not to disparage those people, nor all the people they help... but personally I only want to trust my mind to the very best.
Anyways... any good shrink will be helpful, but I strongly recommend you find someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. CBT is not at all like traditional talk therapy... you're not going to be talking about childhood traumas, or whether your father gave you enough attention. Instead, CBT is about making very concrete changes to the way think and react to your world. For example, imagine being stuck in traffic... if you're like me, most of the time I'm okay with it, but sometimes I flip out and fly into a murderous rage... CBT is about identifying what's going on in your mind in the moments between 'calmly driving' and 'wanting to eviscerate the driver in front of you', and then changing it. In the case of depression, you'll be working on the thought patterns that are bringing your mood down.
Where I am in B.C., shrinks are charging around $140 an hour, some will work on a sliding scale. That might seem like a lot, but the beauty of CBT is it works astoundingly fast... once you find a good shrink, you'll see pretty dramatic results within 1 or 2 hours, and you might feel like you're done after 4 or 5... maybe less. I have pretty severe depression, and I keep it in check with between 4 and 8 sessions, a couple times a year. So I spend $1000 - $1500 a year on head shrinking, and it's the best money I spend... I would spend double that without a second thought. The payback in terms of quality of life is remarkable, and most people spend that much or more on car maintenance. And for your relatively mild depression, you may only need a few sessions and never go back.
Finding the right shrink is key... most will give a free initial session. If you're not feeling it after the freebie, don't go back. Make sure you like them and trust them and feel like they're earning your money.
Whether or not you seek therapy with a shrink, I highly recommend the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns [amazon link[(http://www.amazon.ca/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1278729282&amp;sr=8-2). It's a CBT self help book for depression. Like all self help books, it's a little cheesy, but if you have some faith and go with it, it's pretty damn effective. It's bound to help you in some way even if you're not seriously depressed... might be the best $8.99 you ever spend.
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and kind reply. Honestly, I'm glad if anything I ever say ever helps anybody. I'm sorry I couldn't really offer any legal advice, though.
By the way, just on the off-chance it helps your dad, I found this book personally very helpful. I kinda hate the cover (so bright! And the title! Maybe you could rebind it somehow??) ... but it's not a bad price for something if it doesn't work out. For the record, there was at least one study done on this specific book that found it an effective alternative to antidepressents.
Hang in there. It sounds like you're making the right decisions but maybe have some bad thought habits
>taking comfort in the dark corners
Can I recommend reading the book Feeling Good by David Burns? There are activities in there that will help you focus more on the positive & break bad though habits. It helped me a ton. My bad thought habits included things like I have no friends, nobody likes me, etc as well as having these fantasy "fights" w people. Not good, but it takes time to break any bad habit. Sounds like you're on the right path!
I would first try to think about why someone would have such an obsession. Is it boredom? Is it a form of validation? What is the reason(s) for it?
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Once the person thinks about the potential causes, they can take the next step and see what strategies there are for addressing the issues involved. For instance, if it's boredom, then the person better get their ass moving and start a hobby or get involved with groups/activities/etc. If it's constantly seeking validation then they should seeing therapist for a few sessions to talk it out or to read a book such as https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0380810336/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0
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Gotta figure out what the root causes are.
You're a "nice guy". Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and stop it. Just fucking stop it already. What's your problem? Why can't you stop? Because you're a nice guy.
See for me and my wife we agreed that divorce was never an option while the kids were home. And because of that we worked through some real hard shit (massive post partum depression) which we might not have otherwise got over.
My advice is this: Love is not just an emotion, it's a verb. You choose to love through actions and choices. I'm 14 years into marriage and we've had "good times and bad" but through it all we get stronger.
If any of you are pups entering into marriage I would recommend you and your partner read this book. It helped my wife and I immensely.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
The tl;dr of it is this: We all show and accept love in different ways. If you show love in a way differently than your partner receives it, you can both be left felling unloved. So make an effort to show your partner love in their way, even if it's not your goto.
example: My wife feels love through verbal encouragement. I was raised to leave things unsaid. But now I tend to be sure to make a choice to verbalize things I would not have done, just because it helps her feel loved.
I feel love through acts of service, that's why I'm always working hard to serve my family. My wife's not naturally wired that way so a few times a week she goes out of her way to do a little thing that helps me feel loved. (She pressed my shirts for work this weekend while I was out with the kids, usually that's my job).
Most people recommend The Five Love Languages when it comes to showing affection to your partner. Not everyone views gifts as appropriate gestures, and some people don't hear the words 'I love you' and automatically feel loved. Recognizing what your partner needs to feel appreciated, loved, etc. early on will help that person to see you as an affectionate person. It also helps when the other person knows what they need, but not everybody gets their point across.
Something that always works is listening and having compassion. You can't give your partner what they need if your mind isn't open to learning what that is.
You should also look into The Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams, the guy behind The Thief and the Cobbler and animation director for Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Judging by your bros channel he seems really into animation, theres a awesome book called the The Animator's Survival Kit it covers everything and can be applied to any type of animation.
Try one hand clasping the other wrist combined with your head down, otherwise known as the "mormon second wife" look.
For a more assertive look, try both thumbs in the slightly side back lip of your jeans.
I've also found this book useful in figuring out what I should do with my body pose.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1343784770&amp;sr=8-4&amp;keywords=guide+to+body+language
same reason we cover our mouths when we yawn. opening our mouths makes us become a more 'vulnerable' target to a predator, so we cover our mouths to hide the vulnerability. Its just another trait we picked up from our ancestors that really isn't a learned behavior but more instinctual.
same thing goes for when people cross their arms across their chest. they don't like what they're hearing and/or they are unsure about the situation they're in. the arm crossing is an instinctual behavior to cover your vital organs.
check out this book if this stuff interests you.
You should read No More Mr Nice Guy.
A lot of neediness stems from a lack of experience. If you haven't made connections with many women, you are likely to feel more desperate. It goes back to scarcity vs abundance mentality. When you haven't had any positive references, it's hard to convince your mind to be unattached (opposite of needy) from the end result.
Here's how to fix that:
Gain experience
When I started going out I just wanted a taste of success, any success. I tried to "win" every interaction and my motives were very outcome driven -- women could feel that. As I went out more and began seeing results, I proved to myself that I could attract beautiful girls. That an awesome woman would love the opportunity to meet me and that I had plenty to offer. It soon became less about "I need to win this" and more about "I want to meet some cool girls and have a fun time." When you're in that mindset, you're giving value and not trying to take it. This makes you a gentleman and far from needy.
Go out more, challenge your comfort zone every single damn day, and you will naturally become more outcome-independent and less clingy.
Prioritizing your needs
Do shit that you enjoy on a regular basis. Start living a life that makes you happy instead of trying to impress others. Say more silly shit to people and stop caring about every word that comes out of your mouth. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and be upfront with your intentions. Have an opinion and don't just be a "yes man" to women.
Honestly, the book that changed my life in that regard is No More Mr. Nice Guy. The first chapter alone blew my mind and transformed a lot of men I know.
--
If you need some more resources this "Nice Guy vs Real Man aka Gentleman diagram" and this article should clear things up. Also, what omokage said is a great mentality to enter any interaction with.
That's amazing!
Therapy is always a good idea but it's not possible for everyone. I can vouch that these books/workbooks contain accurate, helpful info. & tips. DM me for help finding digital copies.
Toxic Parents
Self Esteem (3rd Edition)
The CBT Workbook for Depression (2nd Ed)
The Mindful Way Workbook for Depression
Other good books:
The Dance of Anger
Kid Confidence
You're doing the right thing. Congratulations on taking this step to improve your life.
A book I found helpful dealing with my own family situation (some similarities) was Toxic Parents. It's a hard thing when you don't have parents you can talk with for encouragement, support, and so on, but it's extremely important to learn it's not your fault when this happens. Took me a while to learn that one.
Why do you want to be more social? What do you want in life? Specifically. Write down the reasons, and write down everything you want for yourself - all the things you'd like to own, all the skills you'd like to have, all the people you'd like to meet, all the characteristics you wish you embodied.
Done? No, because you're an asshole. Go back and write them down. Seriously. I spent a fucking long time writing this post for you - I explain my point in several different ways, from different angles, because it's fucking important to me that you get the help you seek - you can take four minutes to write down some reasons. Open up your text editor and get to work, reddit will still be here when you get back. Don't get distracted. Do not trust your memory - write them down.
Okay. Look at those reasons. It's a list of things you want to be, do, and have. Ask yourself: Do you have the freedom to become, achieve and obtain those things, through your actions?
You were afraid to write some things. Maybe you thought "fuck a thousand people" was unrealistic. "Become emperor of my own country". "Go to space," "Own a castle," "Fly with the Blue Angels," "Be a real life James Bond," "Write a novel," "Be able to talk to anyone," "Start a religion," "Meet Daniel Craig." You're wrong, go back and write your "unrealistic" things down too. People have done them, you are physically capable of doing them. But are you free to do them?
Right now, you've decided to believe the answer is "no". If it were "yes", you wouldn't have posted, you would have just gone out and done them. Let's change that "no" to a "yes".
If this problem is the one you truly want to solve, you must focus your attention on it and let nothing distract you. All things which might get in the way of you solving your anxiety and inferiority problems must be ignored, including some of your own beliefs, and including some things like Netflix and Reddit you would rather be doing because they're comfortable and easy. This will be hard work. You will feel incredible after it is done, and it will be done soon if you work hard. Do not waste time. Only through discipline can you achieve freedom - if you are spending time looking at cat videos, understand that you are removing the freedom to spend that time elsewhere. You will not get that time back. It is forever chained to cat videos.
You must not fear. There is nothing on the other side of fear except failure. Failure of inaction is much, much worse than failure through action: you learn nothing when you do nothing. Make every attempt to socialize in every situation, even if it hurts, and even though you will fail many times. Experiment until you figure out, trust that you will figure it out.
Optimism will not help you, neither will pessimism - if you believe things will work out okay no matter what, or that things will go to shit no matter what, you have resigned yourself to the whims of a random God and decided not to act. Only activism will help you - the belief that your actions will affect positive change on the outcome. This is true for all things you want in life, including "how do I make friends", "how do I start a business", "how do I become President", "how do I get a job," "how do I get an A in this class," and so on. Strengthen your belief that your success relies entirely on your actions. Strengthen your belief that you have the ability to make good decisions in the future. Strengthen your belief that the worst that could happen is something you can handle. Do not fear boredom, isolation or embarrassment if they are in service of your growth as a human being.
Seneca recommended taking brief periods of time to deliberately live in rags and eat very little, to steel oneself against the fear of poverty. In our modern era we have developed many new fears, all of which can be eradicated in similar fashion. Fear of boredom. Fear of isolation. Fear of missing out. Fear of hunger, fear of gaining weight, fear of being unattractive, fear of looking dumb, inexperienced, uncool, fear of not being happy enough, not having enough interesting Facebook posts, and on and on. If you have these fears, face them. Physically write them down, then write down ways to mitigate or prevent them, and ways you could recover from them if they come to pass. Realize that these fears are controlling you and limiting your freedom.
Then it comes time to face these fears. Go out and talk to people. Find people that know things you want to know, ask them questions. Find people that do things you want to do, admit your inexperience, and ask for their help. Offer them something in return, and get creative - "I'll <help you with your math homework / trade you a bag of chips / get you that girl's phone number / level up your WoW character> if you show me how you <do this problem / throw a perfect spiral / make those cookies>". Do this with as many people as you can find, do not worry about making friends with each one, do not worry if they make fun of you, do not worry if they hate you - the goal is quantity. Learn from your mistakes, learn from your successes. Every time you fail to take the action - going to a meetup, going to a party, talking to a stranger, joining a group activity - you are restricting your own freedom.
Understand: you are on your own. You can build yourself to do and be anything you want, it is up to the rest of the world to try and stop you, and they will fail because they are uncoordinated and lack self-awareness. The more you realize this, the freer you become.
Further reading:
Not all sociopaths are murderous psychopaths. There's a really good book called The Sociopath Next Door that describes how the unmotivated sociopath could simply just lie and manipulate to get someone to cover his bills, for example.
Edited to correct autocorrect
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like my past marriage. No one can tell you what is the right move. The question is, do you want this to work? Do you really really want to run or do you want to work it out? If you want to make it work, it sounds like you both need to go to marriage counseling. It will be rough for both of you but not impossible.
If you are truly ready to be done and never see her again. Tell her. Most likely she'll want time to work it out. Again, up to you. If you leave, it will be rough as well.
Another note, it might be worth reading "5 love languages" I know it sounds cheesy but it could help.
Best of luck. From my experience it got worse but it will get better. :D
Have him read this book if he's willing. It's pretty self explanatory but sometimes people need things spelled out for them. Especially guys.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156
Describing yourself as a "nice guy" is a red flag for me. What people mean when they say that often is significantly different than what I would mean when describing a legitimately kind person. You didn't go into too much detail so don't think I'm bashing you here personally, I wouldn't really know. Just think of this as general advice to step away from the "nice guy" mentality if you really have it.
I like this book a lot: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
First, you have to be able to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Not doing so is a disservice to yourself and people around you. You can do this kindly. You are just showing the people in your life how you'd like to be treated. Pay attention to who respects this and focus more of your energies on them.
You are a pushover and your wife is world class bitch. Your such a nice man your not even capable to use the language required to tell us how she really is.
You have to be a level 99 thundercunt for a business to turn away money from a customer.
Your problem is your wife is a terrible person and steam rolls over your boundaries because you have a spine like a udon noodle.
Shes incharge of your life. Over.
Prescription one.
Perscription two
Read them both.
Just off the top of my head:
Also...go buy The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Out of curiosity, why would you ask a religious subreddit for advice after explicitly identifying as an atheist who actively dislikes organized religion? In all likelihood, beyond suggesting that you seek out a church and pray, it's unlikely that anyone here would be able to give any more special advice than anyone in another subreddit would. Anyway, like I said, just curious.
As for the food issue, I would say that you should try to start small. If you're over-eating, don't try to go straight to celery and ice cubes, but rather try cutting out some of the more egregious offenses to your diet, e.g. potato chips, dessert, etc. As you find you can do this successfully, then keep taking small steps. Trying to make big leaps is a pretty sure recipe for failure unless you have a very strong will (which it sounds like you don't with regard to these issues, given that you're in this situation in the first place!). If you combine this with moderate exercise, you could see some results fairly quickly. This could be something as simple as going for a 30 minute walk every day.
With regard to your job, I don't know what you do or what your qualifications are, but maybe it's time for a switch! You could try taking job diagnostics online or seeing if anyone in your area offers career counseling. A lot of local libraries sometimes have job resources for free. If you have the resources, perhaps it's time to retrain and go back to school or another professional development program. Depending on your field, sometimes lateral movements to other companies can result in a significant increase in salary and possibly responsibility if that's what you feel like is lacking.
As for your marriage, I would suggest as a small step in the right direction reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Though he is Christian and this book does contain some Biblical references, it's very applicable to everyone. I'm not saying it's going to cure whatever is going on between you and your spouse, but it could help! It seems like you listed these issues in order of increasing seriousness, so as the problems get bigger, unfortunately the advice becomes less and less applicable.
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward, she also wrote Toxic In-Laws!
This is still my favorite go-to for any abused person. This book very gently informed me that I was the target child (scapegoat) and it was not my fault. She also walks you thru
Specifically for those of us raised by narcissists:
Why is it All About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss
The best thing in this book is how she lays out projection and the transference of the narcissist's shame onto the child and how that messes us up. I have dozens of post-it flags in this book.
I doubt anyone will see this since it's so far down, but although I've never experienced anything like this video, I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive parent, and that leaves scars all of its own. I've been working on getting past it for years, and I just wanted to mention that this book is an excellent one to read if you're trying to get over your own demons: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1320217883&amp;sr=8-1
I wish I could recommend it to every single person in this post who's had to go through these problems.
Fight Club - It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything
Runner-up: No More Mr Nice Guy - take back your manhood!! Models is awesome too, someone mentioned it on here. I think these go well together.
I disagree. The Ethical Slut doesn't adequately discuss committed relationships. It's old, dated, and only covers a very specific and somewhat tangential topic: how to sleep around ethically.
The book she wants is Opening Up, which actually covers polyamory, compersion, mono-poly, polyfidelity, and other topics that are far more relevant to her situation.
I've recommended this book about a billion times, sorry if it's getting boring.
I'm very anxious in relationships. I drove myself mad with a new guy in January and wanted to stop doing it to myself. Some internet reading led me to attachment theory in adults and eventually the book. I can't recommend it enough.
I recently read Codependent No More and I can’t recommend it enough. It has really helped me see how my old thinking and behavior in relationships kept me locked in unhealthy patterns and kept me from developing as a person, independently of what anyone else was doing. It’s helping me realize that the only person who I can or should try to control is myself.
I’m currently reading The Language Of Letting Go by the same author, which has daily thoughts about about the same topics. It has also been hugely helpful to me, and is available for free, along with other recovery readings, at recoveryreadings.com.
When I first got sober this time around I went to an Alanon meeting, which is a support group for people who are in relationships with alcoholics. I’m not currently in a relationship, and it didn’t feel entirely relevant to where I am right now, but it’s a fantastic resource and might be worth checking out.
Therapy has also been a great resource and support for me. I’ve gotten sober before while living with an active alcoholic. My ex was not as regular or as compulsive of a drinker as I was, but he still drank regularly, in unhealthy ways, and addiction popped up in a lot of ways, for both of us, in how we lived our lives. It was tough for me to stay focused on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself and support my sobriety. I worked a lot on putting effort into it, but I didn’t look for ways to get the support that I needed. More support, earlier, would’ve helped me a lot.
That’s just my experience, for what it’s worth. I wish you luck, and it sounds like you’re in a loving and healthy headspace regarding all of this.
Your partner and Patrick sound pretty codependent. I like this book for learning more about codependent relationships and how to increase self esteem.
Hey, it’s fucking bullshit that cost is a factor when we’re facing a life-threatening injury. It’s bullshit that you have to figure out how to do this on your own. However, I know that you can do this. You’re already doing it — asking for help is the first step. Allow me to believe this for you until you can believe it yourself.
I have had unearned privilege that granted me immoral access to resources, some quite expensive or even elite, and I’ve worked my ass off, and I am living a meaningful life worth living.
However, I hope you find it encouraging that I made the most progress in reparenting myself using books that you might even be able to get at the library.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving — Pete Walker
Codependent No More — Melody Beattie
Codependent No More WORKBOOK — Melody Beattie
Facing Codependence — Pia Mellody
Breaking Free WORKBOOK - Pia Mellody
Codependent behaviors and motivations overlap significantly with CPTSD, and codependency can be at the root of all kinds of trauma responses (freeze, fawn, fight, flight). So, strategies developed for codependence often include an element of reparenting, inner child work, etc.
I found going to co dependents anonymous meetings to be another cost-effective resource. (Usually suggested donation of $2, only if you have it.) Being around other people openly struggling towards healthy and loving relationships with themselves helped mitigate the shame I felt.
One important step in the process that I think it’s easy to skip over is giving thought about what kind of parent you are using to parent yourself? What are their qualities? Things like ‘patient, quiet, attentive, sober’ might come up.
Then, when you’re in need of reparenting,
You can ask yourself ‘how would a parent with the qualities I chose respond to me right now?’
It’s important that you’re activating your imagination in the reparenting process — try not to think of your ideal parent as the opposite of your actual parent. You’re trying to open up the brain to accepting a new idea — putting a splint on the trauma injury — so it’s not helpful to remind it of past patterns when you’re trying to write new ones.
I hope that made sense! Feel free to ask clarifying questions.
Intimate Connections and How to Win Friends and Influence People.
It took me nearly 30 years to figure this out, and I still struggle with it.... but here's the deal. You cannot fix everything. You can't make the entire world happy. You can't do absolutely everything, even if you put every ounce of your being into it. You are a human being, and you are NOT supposed to do everything for everyone else.
I think it's exceptionally rude and unnecessary to tell someone who has perfectionist traits that they're insecure or scared - that's bullshit. My reasons for being a perfectionist are most definitely different than your own, and different from anyone else's - and there's jack shit to do with fear or being insecure. That's an unhelpful, thoughtless comment to make. I don't think you're insecure or afraid - I think your emotions are your own, and I refuse to tell anyone how they feel. I don't know how you feel, but I know feeling anything other than happy sucks.
If you're having trouble adjusting to changes in your life, you're unable to roll with the punches or accept the things that happen, unable to cope with things not being exactly as you think they ought to be or how you pictured them... I would recommend chatting with a counselor. That DOES NOT mean there's something horribly wrong with you.
It DOES mean that in situations like this, it helps to explain the shit that's driving you nuts and hear a completely neutral party provide feedback. Sometimes we get so stuck in the black & white view, we're unable to see the grey.
And honey, there's a shitload of grey. Very little falls into black or white. Probably 80% is grey. The problem is that it's frustrating, disappointing, and depressing to accept the grey. And the solution is changing how you handle the grey.
You can't change the grey. All you can change is your reaction. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
A couple of books I can recommend that have helped me beyond belief:
From Panic To Power by Lucinda Basset - seriously helpful in learning how to NOT flip out when things go wrong, how NOT to let stress overpower you, etc. Seriously helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/From-Panic-Power-Techniques-Anxieties/dp/0060927585/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1367869290&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=from+panic+to+power
Secondly, I'd recommend Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. This is a really helpful guide to changing the way you react/think. I know it sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but I swear it helps - especially when you have trouble accepting things that don't turn out the way you expected/wanted/needed them to.
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=la_B00455GNDO_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1367869401&amp;sr=1-1
Exercise doesn't usually work for deeply depressed and highly anxious people, because these things are usually terribly exhausting. Luckily, there are MANY other proven options to help with depression and anxiety. Feeling Good by David Burns has been extremely helpful to me, for example.
Here you are
You'll see this one recommended a lot :
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a classic and for good reason. I always find myself going back to it. In fact there are quite a few books I'd argue that build upon it
Another very good one is by Leil Lowndes called
How to Talk to Anyone. It gives a lot of useful tips on how to make conversations exciting and vibrant.
Also, John Sonmez's books are really good too because they focus on communication skills from a developers point of view. I really liked these because it also teaches how to develop your career and start your own brand:
These are just off the top of my head, I'm sure there are plenty more. Hope that helped!
Hi, this is, except in very rare circumstances, a terrible terrible advice. Pot is for when you're happy, using it when sad will almost always intensify the sad feelings. And that's not the worst bit.
Here are some anti-depressents that DO work.
Strongly reminds me of the pickup artist community.
If you are intrigued by sociopolitical bullshit of powerful egos behind movements and their followers, read The Game by Neill Strauss.
this helped me out a decent bit. you may also want to check out books on poker (specifically those covering bluffs and tells) as well as videos like this, [this](https://www.youtube.com /watch?v=l_k-u0bldf4) and that. good luck, and happy learning.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking was a pretty good read recommended to me by another introverted INFJ friend of mine. Although it isn't specifically about INFJs, it is all about the "I", and I came away with some new ideas.
introvert here but far from wimpy and quiet. I'm fine with people I am close to and my definition of introversion is not to be annoying outgoing. I don't need to speak to you just for shits and giggles and don't come bugging my ass when I'm in the middle of something. The power of quiet my friend.
I'm in a similar boat as you, but at the moment I don't have any friends at all and so far was never able to really build a deep connection with anybody (I'm 28/m btw). But one thing I've learned is that there's always hope, you're only doomed if you tell yourself so.
One thing that really helps with finding balance is meditation, read a good book about it and/or look at some online tutorials (looks like /r/meditation has some good resources as well) and just give it a try for a few weeks, and don't be discouraged if you don't get immediate results.
If you have a dislike for spiritual stuff you could instead read up on cognitive behavioral therapy, which is used to treat all sorts of things such as depression and social anxiety. This book gives a good introduction and has very simple exercises to get you started. Of course you could also visit an actual therapist, if you don't mind talking to a stranger about your intimate problems ;-)
Also, please don't look at your life as "empty", if you're anyting like most other introverts you probably have a very rich inner life, but just because you can't easily share this with others doesn't mean it's worthless. Just keep doing the things you enjoy and ignore people who think you can't possibly be happy unless you're socializing all the time.
I hope
CBT is THE recommended treatment for depression, anxiety and OCD, and numerous studies have proven it is EQUALLY as effective for treating depression as SSRIs/anti-depressant or anxiolytic drugs.
(However, for severe depression, SSRIs PLUS CBT therapy is the best treatment).
If you can't afford CBT, start by buying the books Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns. They are the CBT Bibles.
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
(Only $6.00!)
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326
And make sure you actually do the little work assignments in the book. Just passively reading will not help you.
As someone who has struggled with depression my whole life, it does sound to me like you might be at least mildly depressed. This inventory can help you decide for yourself: http://healingheartscc.com/docs/first_steps/FS_DepressionQuiz.pdf (it's not some crackpot quiz, many doctors actually use this to assess patients)
I highly recommend this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I think I still have a PDF version of it that an awesome fellow Redditor sent me a while back, if you'd like to check it out. It's been a life saver for me. Let me know & I will see if I still have it. :)
> My life has no point.
You're only 16, so the only point in your life right now is to get an education so that you can better understand the world, find a place and means to carve out a decent living, and discover your purpose in life by trying lots of different things.
> Gyms are full of mirrors, I need to look at my ugly face all the time, I can't get it out of my head.
Have you considered running outside? There are no mirrors out there, and if you run in the right places you might also get to enjoy the beauty of nature while you're at it. Trust me when I say that running is a great way to get all of these negative thoughts out of your mind, at least for a little while.
> All I do in a day is go to the gym, eat & sleep.
If you don't like your routine, change it. As I said, give outdoor running a try. Explore your music tastes and find that motivating song / album / artist to listen to while you run.
> Because I was born with an ugly face & shit bone structure, I have to suffer my whole life, I have no chance to be happy, to have a family or anything. I can only watch other people loving each other, while I'm dying inside.
I know people have said this already, but chances are strong that you're not actually ugly. Depression can make you think that you are, but you probably are not. However, let's assume for a moment that you are horrendously butt-ugly. That shouldn't stop you from being able to be happy and to have a family. Look around you - there are TONS of hideous people out there who somehow still manage to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with and be happy together. There is more to being attractive than just looks. Someone who is confident and happy with himself is more attractive than someone who is depressed and frowning all the time, even if the happy person is slightly less physically good-looking.
> I don't know what the hell am I going to do with my life, I can't talk to anyone, I can't hold eye contact, I'm frowning all the time, I feel like I have no soul.
Believe it or not, these are things that virtually EVERYONE goes through at some point in their lives. These are all things that you can change, because unlike your physical appearance, they are all inside your head. I've been down in the dumps before, and I know that it feels impossible to ever get out of the self-made pit you find yourself in. Still, IT CAN BE DONE. You should consider reading the book Feeling Good by David Burns - it offers concrete strategies for lifting yourself out of depression through the use of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
> Everywhere I look, people are enjoying themselves, whether it's the TV or outside, everyone is happy, talking to friends/partners, kissing themselves, while me, I'm just here, but it's like I don't even exist.
I've had these thoughts before about my friends and acquaintances at college, but the reality is that nobody is ever as happy as they appear in their Facebook pictures. I've spoken with enough people at school to realize that many people are actually miserable but happen to be really good at putting up a happy front for everyone else to see. The world is a competitive place, and so everyone is constantly trying to one-up one another by pursuing wealth, better looks, etc.
I'm currently single, and the thought that I will die alone frequently crosses my mind, even though this time last year I was happy as a clam because I had an awesome girlfriend. I felt forever alone just days before she walked into my life, and just days after she walked out of it. Life is unpredictable, so just keep in mind that those "happy" people you see around you WILL experience tragedy, misery, and maybe even depression at some point in their lives. You can't truly experience happiness without also experiencing sadness - that's why the bad moments in our lives exist, to make the good ones better.
> Before, I was fat, playing video games all day. I changed a lot in past 2 years, I lost weight, got muscle, haircut, better clothes, did everything I could.
This is something to be proud of. Not many people can say that they went from being fat to being muscular and physically fit. Look at the world around you - America is full of grossly obese people who just don't give a shit. Would you rather be "happy" and slowly drowning in your own fat and filth?
> Why are all the bad things happening to me? Why do I always have to be the worst, why is everyone always at a better position than me?
Do you have a roof over your head? Food and water? A computer from which you're posting this? Do you live in a wealthy first-world country? These are things that a large percentage of the world's population does not have access to, so consider yourself lucky. Happiness is not about material comforts - there are probably plenty of happy people living in third-world countries and fighting for survival each day. In fact, people in the Western world tend to be unhappier for some reason. It's not that they're ungrateful, but they're constantly comparing themselves to the people who are better than them and feeling worthless when they fall short of such impossibly high standards.
> I need to change my life, I want to change my life, but I don't know what to do.
Do something. Do ANYTHING. At such a young age, you have a lot of potential for personal change and self-discovery, so take advantage of it.
Grab life by the balls and make it your bitch.
You are very welcome. I feel like I get the best perspective and ideas from reading this sub.
After I wrote that, I realized that I actually have a letter like this, though I didn't write it to myself. It was a letter to my Nmom that I started drafting while I was dealing with her extinction burst last summer. I don't know if you have read the book Toxic Parents, but there is a template in there for writing your parent a letter -- I believe it goes "This is what you did, this is how it made me feel, this is how it has affected my life, and this is what I need from you going forward." So I was following that format, and I went over every last thing she had done to me -- from the very small to the egregious. I got as far as the first 2 topics and started on the 3rd before I ran out of energy (and ultimately decided to send her a completely different letter to enforce my boundaries). But I stumbled across this letter a few weeks ago and holy crap did it really hit me how much she has done to me that is not okay. Like seriously not okay. And at the time I wrote it, I don't think I even fully grasped how not okay a lot of that stuff was.
Anyway, my point is just that I can understand the emotional impact of going back and reading a letter that lays bare all of the abusive behavior that you've experienced. It really does make me say 'fuck you' to her all over again.
Best wishes to you.
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People by Joe Navarro
Great resource on the things to look out for in body language. It made me more aware about my actions and noticing things in other people. My favorite thing to look at now is thumbs. They speak volumes.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061438294?pc_redir=1413517413&amp;robot_redir=1
As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:
I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)
Read Leil Lowdnes "how to talk to anyone" its a really good book that I've used to help people who struggle with that. One technique for instance is paying attention to what people say. If someone says, "man this rain is probably fucking up plants at home." Guess what they may want to talk about? Plants. One big thing I also learned was be interested don't try to be interesting. Let me know what you think. Check the link to her book below.
HOW TO TALK TO ANYONE
Psychology (studied, but never practiced)
Here are a selection of interesting books:
Number one: For an extrovert, talking is a fulfilling experience for them that they enjoy. The fact that they're "making an effort," well, the effort for them is very small, and it's something that they will benefit from as well. They have their own "selfish" motivations, as well. They will feel better from the exchange at the end. Better because they had some kind of distraction and didn't have to be bored, and better about themselves because they did something that was "nice."
A shy person will very often not benefit anything from the exchange. They might feel worse about themselves at the end. Especially very self-critical people. And, as an introvert, you don't get your energy from other people, so the effort that it would require from an introvert is not the same effort that it would require from an extrovert. So the question is why even do it.
You're making the assumption that talking to another person that you don't know is the "nice" thing to do. Yes, if the other person wants to talk. If the other person doesn't want to talk, then not talking to them is actually the "nice" thing to do.
You give this example:
>And when that person is shy. When that person is fighting me and not engaging with me, well I can't help them; assuming that is what they want.
In that situation, you, as the extrovert, trying to talk to them is perhaps the "selfish" thing to do. Maybe you are being the "selfish" one when a person doesn't want to talk and feels that it is a disturbance and annoyance to them, and yet you attempt to talk to them.
My point is that neither one is really selfish. We can't read the minds of people that we meet to know whether they want to talk or they don't want to be bothered.
Additionally, people who are extroverted get rewarded from interacting with other people, so you can't say that what they are doing is the opposite of selfish. You don't know how much of an effort something is, how much more difficult it is for one person over another, and how much benefit each person gets in the end.
Have you ever read Quiet by Susan Cain? It explains a lot of the differences between introverts and extroverts.
Check out this book.
Basically you need to start paying attention to how your body reacts to things. I learned that I can be “on” as an extrovert most of the day but it will wipe me out for at least 2-3 hours when I get home. So I just need to chill out with a video game or podcasts and recover.
If it is certain type of events try to find ways to “beat them to the punch”. For instance if you want to avoid unnecessary meetings then deliver the ask before the meeting so you don’t need to attend.
Troubleshoot yourself or find a professional to help. Because that is what I ultimately had to do to get someone to help me understand my limits.
I just read a book on introversion that argues strongly against "brainstorming" and other design-by-committee ideas using a different example from Apple: Steve Wozniak designing the hardware for the original Apple computer almost entirely on his own.
Perhaps crowds do best in answering questions with definite answers but limited availability of facts, but individuals do best when innovation and creativity are required, provided the individual is talented and knowledgable on the subject.
You are clearly speaking from a rough place in your life right now and feeling very low. I want to start by saying I'm glad you reached out to us here. A lot of people just close up within themselves and sink further into depression, but you decided to open up and communicate. That's very important and shows you actually have more strength than you think. Just wanted to acknowledge you for that before addressing your points.
First nothing is permanent. Your academic failure, your previous experience with women--yes, all that has happened and you can't reverse it now. But there is absolutely no reason whatsoever it has to be the same in the future. Your choices led to your past results, but change your choices and you change your future.
Many people who initially failed at things went on to become very successful at it. Michael Jordan was rejected the first time he tried out for high school basketball. You know why? They thought he was "too short". Think about this for a minute. Imagine if Michael Jordan said "You know what, they're right. I'm not like those tall guys. I'll never be a great basketball player, because I just wasn't born with the right traits." Imagine if that's what he thought! But he didn't. He decided he was going to work harder at proving himself up to the task. And MJ isn't unique, there are tons of stories like this if you look.
That's my overall, biggest point. Don't close the book. You have the power of choice, the power to choose differently and thus experience differently.
Now to your specific statements...
>At 23 years of age
Well right here, let's set something straight: 23 is still very young! Only on Reddit, full of kiddies, is 23 somehow "older" or "mature". I'm in my later 30s, and let me tell you something: I didn't know shit at 23! Like maybe a little bit, but the real learning started after college in the "real world". You sound like you're some old man at the end of his days who's realized "what the world is", but from my perspective--no offense--that's hilarious! I guarantee like 50%+ of what you think you "know" right now you will later realize was completely ass backwards.
>Some guys just have the "x-factor". They have been born with the ability to attract girls.
I brought up the MJ not being "tall enough" example before, but further: yes some people are just naturally more physically attractive given their "baseline" looks. It's ridiculous to deny that. However, and the ladies reading this can confirm this for me, that is not at all the only factor behind a woman's attraction to a man. It has as much if not more to do with how the man carries himself, how he communicates, how interesting he is as a person. You mentioned success later so I'll continue this when I go into that below...
>Should I hire an escort to get rid of my virginity?
100% no. That should be a moment with someone who respects you and cares about you. You're assuming no one ever will, but what I'm trying to point out is that control over that future is up to you. (Historical side note: Friedrich Nietzsche lost his virginity to a prostitute, and regretted it his whole life.)
>my lack of success. I have crap grades with no foreseeable future. No Indian girl in her right mind will want a desi man like that.
You have crap grades up until now, OK. But here's where your being 23 shows: you seem to think "grades" = "life". Only someone who's lived totally in the world of school thinks that. Yes you do have to get back on track, start fresh, and finish your degree. But your resume isn't going to show your GPA, so don't worry so much about that. Your college transcript isn't your "life" transcript!
>What is the best way for me to stop being attracted to Indian girls (I think a lot of them are really pretty?
Well first, you can't stop being attracted to who you're attracted to. If you could, then gays could be "converted" to straight. They obviously report (if they're allowed to be honest) that this 100% fails. So this is kind of silly to attempt anyway.
>, Im just not good enough) I have accepted this fact
Fact? Fact did you say? :) No, this is just your current interpretation of your situation. The facts are what happened, but not what that means about you as a person. Your choices now about what to do in this situation will be what really defines you.
Final note: One book that's very easy to read and that I really, really think would help you a lot right now is this one. It's based on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and the key insight for them is to separate your interpretations of situations from the facts--sort of the core message here.
Edit: grammerz
Depression is a strong indicator of cheating. Your thought patterns are slightly skewed.
Pick up this book. It helped me as soon as I finished the first chapter.
BTW, if you use booze as an excuse, NOTHING will change.
I found one of those people who get summed up in pop psychology as 'soul mates', or whatever term you care to use. She (is, presumably) was a painter, she sang...and all she wanted to do was please me. I was self-medicating with alcohol for anxiety, and the effects of one parent's suicide and the other's early death, as well as the murder of a girl I was in love with about two years prior to meeting my 'soul mate'.
Long, drunken story short, I cheated on her. Twice. Oh, don't feel bad for her. She got me (after we broke up) to act as the muscle in a lease-break, fucked every one of my friends, and spread some other stink around.
Problem, though. I really had experienced what Sicilians call "the thunderbolt". I had felt it when we met, even though I was half hammered. The sex was perfect.
The amount of passion experienced in our nine months together was enough for half a lifetime.
And I missed it. And I missed her. The sound of her voice, just speaking, was music to me. And when she sang...one story about that. My girl and her sister and her boyfriend shared an apartment. One open-window summer day her sister and I met in the hallway, with the same thing crossing our minds. We had just said good by to her sister, who was going out to shop. But sis and I had just heard her singing. There was a Robert Palmer album on the (rather nice) stereo. The song was "You Overwhelm Me". She sounded like the first female backup on that track, maybe a little stronger and clearer. Her sister! thought it was her. Our minds were blown.
So when she left me the second time, I redoubled my efforts to die in my sleep via rusty nails, cheap beer, bourbon and such, but I kept waking up.
I eventually got sober, got married (to someone who has met the songbird), had a family, and never really got over how badly I had hurt someone who loved me so much. I used to look at my cheating as some form of stupidity that had some organic cause. Science now thinks depression is a major indicator in infidelity.
And, of course, every AA can tell you "with booze, you lose".
This book helped me deal with negative thought patterns developed over time.
It's painful to know that missing, sometimes aching part of one's heart is non-negotiable, and self-inflicted.
EDIT: Relevance. She painted my portrait. For years, there was something about the perspective in the painting that bothered me. One day I realized, it was as if the painter were in a kneeling position. I finally burned it last year.
I've actually read the book. It's called "The Game". It's a bizarre story about an extremely insecure short, bald guy who becomes a successful "pickup artist" by learning magic tricks and wearing boas and unusual hats.
While it seems to have improved his extremely low self-esteem he doesn't build one meaningful relationship with a single person throughout the entire book.
By the end of the book I felt nothing but pity for the people who had to disconnect from the world in order to get past the anxiety that kept them from meeting people. The greatest irony is that at the point that they finally gain enough confidence to meet people, they've lost the empathy and attachment that makes a relationship worthwhile.
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
To be honest, eye contact has more to do with how people perceive you (confident, shy, lying, nervous) than with reading what they're feeling. And these perceptions are notoriously unreliable. Body language, the hands in particular, are a much better guide to what they are feeling. Here's a great book on body language.
As to general advice, the main thing is to pay attention. We're absolutely horrible at paying attention to other people even when we nominally are. We routinely tune out, or start thinking ahead to how we will respond instead of just paying attention to what they are doing and saying. Next time someone is complaining about something, pay attention to the stress in their voice, how they're sitting, what their hands are doing. Notice the details. Don't lapse into your own thoughts. Don't start formulating your answer until they're done talking.
tl;dr: Use your eyes to control how you are perceived. Watch their hands to see what they're feeling. And pay attention.
> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.
This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.
> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?
You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.
On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.
> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?
Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.
Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.
There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"
The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.
> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?
Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).
Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.
> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?
The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w
Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.
If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.
A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:
Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!
Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The title may be a bit of a misnomer. The book is basically a guide for taking care of yourself so that you can be the best husband, friend, employee, etc.
Do you work m-f 8-10 hours a day for your family, or for theirs?
You may not like it, but you know the answer. You've been a good landlord, but if it no longer makes financial sense for you to keep the place just to be a Nice Guy, then do what you need to do for your family and stop letting them take advantage of you.
Mandatory mention of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.
If this 4chan copypasta resonates with you at all, read the damned book.
I'm not saying the chorus of "man up and move on" is wrong, but to add a different perspective: Have you ever wondered WHY you've felt so trapped, felt the need to escape, and felt the need to get married in the first place?
Oftentimes, I feel like feelings of dissatisfaction have more to do with what's happening internally rather than what's going on in a relationship. If there are some core issues with dissatisfaction that need to be worked out, you'll only bring those into your next relationship (if you pursue other relationships in the future). It's easy to run away from something, but much more difficult to run towards something.
Two things that might be worth doing before breaking the news to your wife, just so you can be sure of yourself:
You may find that there are other ways to assert yourself and realize your need for freedom within your marriage. If not, you can at least be confident you've done your due diligence before disrupting your life.
I found this book really great on the subject: No More Mr Nice Guy
Sure, along with a few bits of relevant literature
Sexual Economics: Sex as Female Resource for Social Exchange in Heterosexual Interactions
Mating Market Dynamics, Sex-Ratio Imbalances, and Their Consequences
48 laws of power
No more Mr nice guy
How to win friends and influence people
> have you tried therapy?
People tend to underestimate the power of sharing your deepest, darkest secrets with someone. It can be enormous amount of relief.
How the hell do you expect to solve your problems, when you can't even talk about them. A therapist can be great for that purpose.
P.S.: OP, read this book: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
> How did y’all learn how to start saying no ?
Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. For the cheap, full text at https://archive.org/stream/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy_djvu.txt
You are people pleasing, and need to be assertive.
This generally has to do with craving approval.
You need self approval. Perhaps by developing moral standards of behavior and judging yourself by those, instead of how happy people around you are, or how "well liked" you are.
As I have aged I have gotten much more disagreeable, in the sense of the big 5 personality model.
My attitude is very MGTOW - if you don't like me or how I behave, don't let the door hit you in the ass.
I know that I am a good person, because I know what my morality is and I know that I stick to it instead of caving due to weakness or craving or convenience. Since I know that I am good, idgaf if you think that or not.
---
Wisdom helps too.
I have learned from the Buddhists that graciously accepting gifts allows other people to exercise their generosity.
I have extended this. Accepting praise allows others to exercise their pro-social inclinations, and thus makes the world a better place. (Ditch public professions of modesty - just say thanks, but don't let it swell your head!)
In the same way, helping people can cripple the development of their self reliance.
Without consequences, growth will not occur. This is why fathers are much more important than mothers; rather than smother and protect they push the little ones out of the nest, just as much as the little ones can handle.
Why did she trust someone undependable? Why was she partying on her last nickle? (Being a cock tease to sponge free drinks?) Why is she even broke at all - no job, no budget, no limits on spending?
Here's what I learned in sales management, about the design of incentive programs: people do what you pay them for. Tie bonus to design wins, get a lot of low-volume junk designs. Tie incentives to volume, find salesmen tanking the price to get volume. It's actually quite a challenge to get right.
So you are incentivizing this chick to be irresponsible, by supporting that behavior.
Whatever you pay for, you will get more of!
Oh man, man, man. I've encountered so many, but it still surprises me when I run across someone who's going through exactly the same thing I went through. We always feel so alone, right? I lost my virginity at age 27. And not just my virginity, she was the first girl I slept with, cuddled, made out with, my first girlfriend, the whole deal. I wanted a girlfriend since before I was 8 years old, but I had a lot of issues that got in the way. I won't bore you with the details.
I can't offer any comfort except to say that I know exactly how you feel. I still deal with envy sometimes even now. I'll throw out the books that really put me on the right path, just in case you're looking for something to read. The Gifts of Imperfection, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Models. Models is the best how-to guide to dating I've read. The other two were necessary to get me to a place where I could put those lessons into practice. Take care of yourself. Sex might seem like a huge deal, but you are really doing fine. Everyone figures out different things at different times.
1.) You are putting the opinion of others above your core values. You believe you need to prove yourself to others and have an external locus of control.
2.) Your wife is overweight/unhappy because of the above. She wants a man who acts like a man.
suggested reading:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1343349702&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+superior+man
http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1343349734&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=models%3A+attraction
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1343349752&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=no+more+mr.+nice+guy
> "I'll just be her friend till she sees how great I am" shit anymore. Its all lies.
So you finally figured it out. Now it's time to man up and grow some balls.
Two and a half years ago my wife confessed to me that she was "in love" with someone I thought was my friend, and had been fucking him for weeks.
I decided I wanted to fight for my relationship. Mostly, I couldn't stomach the idea of divorce without feeling like I really did everything I could. She more or less immediately agreed to stop contact with him, even though she wasn't sure she wanted to stay with me. We went to counseling together and individually, and dove into the practices from marriagebuilders.com in an effort to rebuild our relationship.
It was the hardest, and most painful thing I've ever done. For two years we struggled. We'd be ok for a couple of months, then she would explode. Turns out she had a really hard time with her own needs and wants; even acknowledging them to herself was tough, never mind bringing them up to me. Meanwhile I suffered big time from Nice Guy syndrome, and the book No more mister nice guy made a huge difference. So did focusing on myself and picking up new, empowering hobbies. (martial arts)
Finally last June she blew up and left me to stay at a friend's house. After 2 years of this shit, I was ready for her to go... Ready to say goodbye to this relationship. I offered to trade off times at our apartment until we decided what to do. That separation lasted 3 weeks, and every time we traded off (twice a week) we would check in about how we felt. I called my family members and prepared them, that I was probably going to divorce in the next couple of weeks.
During this period of time I got more offers from women than I think I have in my entire life. It was a serious part of my decision, the fact that apparently I had access to unlimited pussy.
In the end she asked me to move back in together, and I decided to give it one last hopeless chance, but on strict conditions. Every week we would have a relationship talk together to see how we were doing. And if there was one more blowup, I would leave.
It was tough for a couple of weeks, but then it was like a light switch in my wife. In retrospect she says she just "decided" to have a more positive outlook. After a little fight (which I honestly thought would be the end), she came back with a totally different attitude. It was like she was done just letting shit happen to her, and she was ready to come to the table in making this relationship what we BOTH wanted.
We've been on a continuous upward momentum ever since then. We still meet every week to check in about our relationship, and it's just getting better and better. I'm happier than I've been perhaps my whole life, and she says the same. What's more, we are incredibly close to each other, having both come through hell for this relationship. We're back to being the "newlywed" couple at restaurants (we're going on 9 years married), and we communicate now like never before.
I'm very lucky, but dammit I worked and suffered enough to feel like I deserve it. We're extremely happy together, and planning our first child in a year and a half or so.
It IS possible to get through to the other side. But you have to overcome not only the pain of infidelity, but the issues that made that possible in the first place.
Definitely not buying your book just to find out what your "credentials" are. Let me guess, you read The Sociopath Next Door and deemed yourself an expert?
An excellent book on these types of people: The Sociopath Next Door
It begins, "Imagine - if you can - not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful or immoral action you had taken. And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools. Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs. Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless. You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness. The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience, that they seldom even guess at your condition. In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world. You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain undiscovered."
Supposedly 1 in 25 people, or 4% of the U.S. population is like this. Personally, I wish I had been better educated about these types of people and how they operate, because a couple of them really f*cked up my life and almost killed me.
You say you realise this is the path to resentment and anger, but even so the option is very attractive to a lot of people, to 'prove a point' (as can be seen in the comments is done by more people). The fact that you are considering to use such a tactic says nothing about your sex life, and everything about your communicative skills as a couple.
Let me give an example that might show how incredibly ridiculous the plan is:
You come home one night to find your SO angry. She is furious because you forgot to shine her shoes for half a year. You're dumbfounded. Why would you be responsible for the shine on her shoes? You never even considered she wanted you to shine her shoes! At first you're angry, she expected you to be telepathic and understand her needs without hearing them from her. Eventually, you have a civil discussion and realise she really wants you to shine her shoes.
As you love your SO, you want to accomodate her needs. You want her to be happy. So you do your best to shine her shoes as often as you can. Unfortunately, shoeshine is expensive, you work long hours, you're a tad forgetful (because who isn't when they're busy doing other things?) and your shoeshining technique isn't quite up to par. But you do your best.
Alas, your SO doesn't agree. She wants her shoes to be shined daily. She realises that you can't do it on a daily basis, but at least you could do it every other day! So, you try again, but as shoeshining is just not really your thing (it is a lot of work after all), it is hard to get yourself to do it. You get into fights about it more often, because your SO is hurt that you're not shining her shoes as often as she needs. Meanwhile, this adds to the pressure: No matter how much you shine her shoes, it will never be as much as she may like. You can never live up to her expectations.
And it all started, because she expects something from you without communicating what shoeshining is like for you. She assumed your needs were equal to her needs. Even after talking it through, her needs dominated the discussion.
I realise this is a ridiculous example, but this is the exact process I see in /r/deadbedrooms, time and time again. In fact, I have been guilty of this myself as my drive is higher than my SO's. The burden regarding any kind of dissatisfaction in a relationship can not be placed on either her alone (by demanding that she fulfills your needs), or on you alone (by not having your needs fulfilled). Only through communication, compromise, and a lot of blood, sweat and tears (well, hopefully not tears.. or blood..) from both of you.
These predicaments happen in all long-term relationships. Sometimes they are concerned with sex, sometimes they are concerned with something else entirely. This is the part where everyone in a long-term relationship claims that it is hard work. Because it is exactly this issue that is hard work.
I would like to point out that some people are helped incredibly by couple counselling. There are also a number of books I would recommend if councelling is not an option. For any of these books it is important that both partners read them and go through the exercises. Like I said, you have to do this together. The first book that gives a number of couples a lot of understanding of eachother is called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chaplin. The book is concerned with trying to get to know eachothers needs and how to talk about them. Another book that is relevant in any relationship with low sexual activity is A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex by Laurie Mintz. Don't let the title of the book fool you, while directed at women it is actually a tool for regaining a sex drive in a relationship. It is as applicable to men as women, but overall it's a couple's tool.
I sincerely hope you, and others, do not choose the path of resentment. It is very rare to be compatible in every way with a SO. In this relationship it may be sex, but in another it may be something else entirely (not having the same amount of need to go out of the house, for example). Needs never completely match, so it takes work from both sides to make eachother happy.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
beer me later :)
Please do not interpret what i'm about to say as me being an asshole (although I often have been accused as such). I'm trying to help, rather than bullshit you with the equivalent of a participation trophy or a motherly pat on the back.
I'm stating this with love (although it is tough love): If I've ever seen someone that needs r/TheRedPill, its you my friend. I'm not saying that you should become an asshole or be disrespectful to women, but rather that you should focus on building yourself up in the same style. There is absolutely the capacity to be an alpha male within you. And that's what women will find attractive consistently. I'm not saying you should become a macho chump poser that demeans and disrespects women (that's not what a real alpha male does anyway), but rather that you should identify and adopt the characteristics of an alpha male that women find attractive and craft your own new persona. Root out the JW mindset and adopt a new one. Got me?
Its time to work on yourself rather than working on trying to get laid. Its time to grow a pair of balls. Now, rather than simply saying "grow a pair of balls", let me try to help and give some recommendations of how you might go about doing that.
Get a gym membership (maybe check and see if your university has one that you can use free), and try the Starting Strength program. See here: https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738/
Starting strength will make a man out of you. One tip: Don't use the smith machine. Use a real squat rack. Yes, its required. Yes, with barbells.
Read this book too, its a real eye opener for reading people (including women): https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/
Read up on affirmations, how to make them and use them, and start using them DAILY, maybe even more often than once a day. You probably don't need a book to research this, a simple google search will do. Harness the power of positive self-talk.
The words you say to yourself in your head or mutter to yourself quietly when nobody else is listening have a huge effect on how you view yourself. And by extension, others (especially women) can sense how much value you perceive that you have, and often will treat you in accord with that value you project.
>My date was kind of rude as she actually took a phone call from her male friend within the first 10-20 minutes of the date, I think she was even flipping through Tinder as we were talking.
This should have been an early warning signal letting you know that she wasn't worth your time. She didn't value your time and presence (and that is likely because you didn't establish your own value to her).
>Of course my problems only make me feel worse as one of my roommates is like extremely fit black young Hugh Hefner. This guy fucks all the time, like weekly.
That is fucking hilarious lol, but I really sympathize with you. I'm sure its torture that he's getting laid every night and you have to listen to the fucking. Is this guy friendly towards you? Is he willing to help with your issues? You never know, he may take some pity on you and help you to work on yourself a bit. Even if he isn't, pay attention closely to his attitudes and interactions with women and with others wherever you can. Don't try to be an exact copy of him, but watch for attitudes, words, and actions that he manifests that feel right for you, and that you could adopt into your own new persona.
>I feel especially shitty as "technically" I'm not a virgin because I fucked who I thought was going to be a women through MeetMe, but it turned out to be a transgender dude, my fault I guess as further inspection of the photos made it more obvious. I was going to leave but I was persuaded by an offer of a blowjob. I figured this was the first time I was offered anything sexual and I was under a lot of family related stress at the time so I said fuck it and got a BJ, and had to reciprocate him in the backside.
This is some 4chan shit right here, so allow me to present the appropriate meme: http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/55556666.png
Don't beat yourself up too bad. Its behind you, and you never have to do this again if this type of hook up is not your style.
>So apparently finding a dude that wants to fuck is incredibly easy, finding a women in my case is like hunting for the holy fucking grail.
Yes, that's the honest to god truth when you don't project enough value to others. The only people you attract are people who are as desperate as you are.
>Don't get me wrong that all I want is sex, yes sex would be awesome, but I'm not afraid to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm not going to turn down a hookup.
This screams desperation. You need to drop this mindset immediately. (Again, affirmations will help with this)
>My philosophy is just honoring whatever dating arrangement I agree to with a person, I have no religious reasons.
Again, desperation, compliance, submission. These traits will not attract women - at least not desirable ones.
>I tried talking to some women at parties, asked one to dance and she said no, even though she was standing against the wall not doing anything...
Again, you projected a lack of value, she judged you on the surface because of the lack of value you projected, and shut you down.
>...asked another how she was doing and she said good and that was it, and I had a little more luck at my last party as I got to help a girl with her Microsoft Access homework, we high-fived and were both wasted. I asked her if she was single and she said yes, but that she was just visiting and was going back home in a couple of days, so I just shook her hand and said it was nice we met.
That didn't mean she wasn't DTF my friend. She may have just been waiting for you to move on her. Lots of times, women are waiting for a man to confidently take charge when it comes to initiating sex. I'm sure nobody ever told you that (hell, nobody told ME that!!), but it is often true :)
>I'm giving this college thing one more semester before I call it quits. I'm not going to get another degree if it requires me to be miserable and single for another 3 years. I mean I'm charting into 30 year old wizard territory at this point and it scares the shit out of me. My friends have been trying to get me to move to Florida and I just may take them up on the offer.
Changing your location without changing your mindset is not likely to make a significant change to your circumstances. Although, it could offer you the opportunity to a fresh start, which could be helpful :)
>Any advice would be appreciated, I just feel the cult has taken a huge chunk of my life away when I was supposed to learn valuable social skills. I feel like a fucking child or an alien learning how to be human, even though I have been out of the cult for quite some time now, but have really only been away from toxic family for four months.
Yes, that's probably what happened. And its up to you to change it. Nobody else is going to do it for you. So stop wallowing in your own misery and change it. (Respectfully, with tough love, man to man.)
>My plan for next semester is
joining some clubs, going to bars, and going more parties, and trying to strike up more conversations with women in classgetting a gym membership, working on your self esteem and your ability to project your value to the opposite sex, and learning how to interact with women in a way that makes you attractive.>If nothing happens in the second semester I'm just going to say fuck it and move, I'm at a point in my life were I'm tired of going out to eat by myself, shopping by myself, watching movies by myself, and doing everything else by my fucking self. All I did this Thanksgiving was sleep and get drunk. I've read all those articles about "loving yourself first", this isn't a problem about loving myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so fucking sick of being alone, I don't have a family, I have no one close to me.
I feel your pain man. Now is not the time to give up, but it is time to change your approach.
I'm so bad at this too! I can recall three different times when my friends have told me that some guy was "totally into me" and I was completely oblivious. I tend to be that way with body language in general as well. I found this, which seems to be a fairly straight-forward step-by-step guide to flirting. And here is the book they reference in it. I dunno, might be worth a read. In any case, it seems like it is something we may need to practice. :P
Link to the book for those interested: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
edit: free quiz, from author, to learn your 'language' http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ . Book prob available at your local library.
The systems theory perspective holds that addictions are kept in place by the family system, rather than simply being the sole responsibility of the addict. Essentially, the family is like a cell, seeking some degree of homeostasis. For dysfunctional families, addiction may serve to maintain the balance of the system, so in order to change the addiction certain other factors in the family need to change as well. The addiction is serving a function, and as long as the system is reliant on that function (whatever it may be) then it will be very hard for the addict to successfully change within the system.
In terms of more academic reading, Substance Abuse and The Family is a helpful text. It gives a good overview of systems theory and how addiction functions in families.
In terms of books for family members looking for support, Codependent No More is a classic. Another book that is more general but which I just finished reading and loved is Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.
I would suggest reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1331859408&amp;sr=8-1
And follow what it says. It's helped me be a nicer, more affable person.
I think it's great that you're willing to look into polyamory even though your first experience with it was not so great.
I don't think that this girl handled her relationships badly, necessarily. She was honest and upfront with you about everything she wanted and did. She may need some time management skills and some general communication skills, but from your story, it didn't seem like she was unfair to you. I get how being told you are not her "main" boyfriend could have been painful, but maybe she was just trying to make sure you understood that her commitment is first and foremost to him and she wanted to be clear that she wasn't going to leave him for you. Some people go into relationships with polyamorous people thinking that if they love them enough, they'll be able to convert them to monogamy (which can happen, but might not too).
>I feel like this could have worked out if only I had been less insecure and not solely dependent on her for my relationship needs. Slowly I was managing to get rid of my jealous insecurities, and I even now question their rationality. I don't know that I could be in a poly relationship with this girl, but I can feel that it has definitely changed how I will approach future relationships.
You will probably never 100% "get rid" of jealous insecurities. We all have them from time to time. The difference for poly people is that we understand that jealousy is an emotion that stems from a fear of losing something. We will self analyze and work through what it is we're scared of losing, and seek reassurance when needed. Some people in poly have jealousies around their main partner, others have no jealousies with their main partner but tons with their secondary partner, etc. It's different for everyone, but it's important to get some insight into WHY you're feeling that way and go from there.
>How did you all come to be polyamorous? Was there some definitive experience, or did you just kinda know it was what you wanted?
I didn't know the word when I became polyamorous. I just knew that I had developed feelings for other people besides my husband. It started out as a sexual relationship mostly, but developed into more. We all thought that we weren't looking for "relationships" with other people, just sex with other people. Once we decided sex with just each other (I'm in a quad of 2 married couples), strong feelings of love developed. We decided to go for it, and research led us to the poly community.
You'll probably hear from more than one person, to read "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut". Probably the best books out there about open relationships/polyamory.
Edit: Content
Hi guys. The Ethical Slut is certainly the cannon for polyamorists, but my favorite book on the subject has been Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Be safe, have fun.
It's trash and it promotes social interaction solely as sexual conquest, coupled with a borderline red pill mentality that's also trash. Erik Von Markovik is also walking cringe. It's hard to find anything relatively positive about PUA.
Some people will put Models in the PUA bucket, but it's also an interesting read if you want to detect more bullshit.
I highly recommend reading a book called Models - Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
In the book he covers different dishonest methods that men use to attract women for the wrong reasons, including the very same situation you find yourself in. If you want to stop doing this to women, start improving yourself so that you can eventually become the honest man you want to be in a relationship.
Sign up for Okcupid.
Here are some tips for writing your profile.
Answer the questions, particularly the ones that involve agreeing with ethical non-monogamy.
Use chrome, and install this add-on, which will tell fairly accurately if a person is polyamorous by nature or not.
Wait. Hold up. We're getting ahead of ourselves here. Have you read any books give advice on how to navigate becoming polyamorous?
If not check out The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.
When you're looking for ethically non-mono guys, be aware there are some mono men who say they are down for it but will inevitably cause drama or back out at some point down the road (either when they want to get serious or when you find another partner you connect with).
It's a good idea to ask about their experience being non-mono. Also, ask what kind of rules they might expect to put in place for their partners (hint, it's kind of a trick question).
There are plenty of caring, communicative, and loving men out there looking for poly ladies but it may take some time to figure out the process and learn exactly what type of situation you want to be a part of. Good luck.
I used to be a nice guy, who thought I was screwed just by being a decent person. Last summer, I was a completely different person than I am now. I have changed tremendously.
Some of that was because I read a book from amazon called "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's a great book, but it taught me that women aren't attracted to men who value someone else's opinions more than their own. Women are attracted to a man who knows what he wants.
I used to obsess over everyone's opinion of me. Everyone had to like me. Now, I do what makes me happy. That's all that matters to me. If I'm happy, then what else could I want. That said, I still get told frequently that I am always nice. Nice because I am polite to people who treat me with respect. You respect me, I respect you. That simple.
Nice guys maintain this delusion because they think if they show everyone how nice they can be, that will get everyone to like them. But no one will have respect for a man that doesn't respect himself just because a few people don't respect him.
This is the purest and best way to go in my opinion. Not only will it make your romantic life better, it will make you better and more confident in all aspects of your life as well.
As for how to obtain it, I strongly recommend getting started with Mark Manson's book, "Models". It helped me through some tough times and built me up in a healthy way.
Friend, I mean this in the nicest way possible, I think your PUA training was pretty shitty. Reading your 5 approaches/openers...I don't see how any of them would work, esp here in my home city (NYC). Some of the stuff was straight up cringeworthy =(
What I would do differently (please take this w/ a grain of salt - it's just my own opinions):
And do drunk-I-Love-You-Lines work? It sounds weird to me. If a girl asked me that, I'd reply "no drunk I Love you's don't count, and I don't give 2 shits about your friend Nick/Steve/Jenny/Fuckface." I wouldn't use this as an opener, but maybe after a couple minutes of establishing your high value and her interest level in what you have to say. Why, you ask? Because it's really not that interesting of a question, and so far, you have given her 0 reasons to continue this conversation beyond "hello".
Finally, I would recommend this book for you (it's my pickup bible): http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24
You should read this book if that comment was helpful to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I listened to it as an audiobook first which I actually liked a lot, since my library had the audiobook for free on the phone app. Then I bought it so I could take notes, look at the charts, and take the quizzes in the book. $9 for my used Amazon copy, $13 new
It's not only about the "avoidant" people, also has good segments on people who are more "anxious" about relationships, overthinking things, caught up in small details, wanting constant communication, etc.
Here’s a good book on the subject of adult attachment style: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_ . It’s helpful to become aware of your own style and to be able to recognize others so you can try to work with them or end the relationship. As Kenny Rogers said: You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, And know when to run.
I used to be terrible with women. Constantly friendzoned. Got cheated on by a girlfriend that I had no idea how I got.
Then I found some "pickup" stuff online that got me lucky two times in a row following a script... and then nothing. So I studied more online stuff. I was going to be the best pickup artist ever, I was going to show them all! I'd approach women to impress my friends. Got a stripper to go out for coffee(ended badly, I was totally over my head). All sorts of showy stuff.
Luckily I found some charisma based pickup stuff that was essentially just presenting yourself in the correct manner, and not be afraid to escalate sexually.
One of the techniques was a type of disqualification where if anybody said anything negative you agree and amplify. And if they say something positive, be genuinely thankful, but say something a bit humbling to keep yourself human.
Disqualification was great for my interactions with others, but weirdly, it was the best thing for me. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. I started not to place too much importance in what others thought of me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a freeing way. I came to realize that I didn't need to impress anybody by showing off or becoming a pickup superstar. I became decent at dating and could spend my energy in other areas of my life.
The reason I'm telling you this is because "pickup" advice can help you, but you need to be careful. As Grayflcn said, becareful over in Seddit. There are some genuine people there, but there are also some people trying to impress people with BS, or show offy, creepy things. Try to keep your filters set appropriately.
I've been in a relationship for a while, but trying to help some friends I've found some things I think are good resources in this area coming from the right place...
That said... if you've already got women you're dating maybe the only thing wrong is you're not escalating. Letting them know you find them attractive in a man to woman manner. This may seem like a huge hurdle, I was terrified of this. Yet, doing it a few times, it became something I did without thinking because it totally improved my relations with females.
It's 3 steps.
Figure out what you find sexy about her. Something about her personality is better than something physical.
Use the word sexy to tell her you think that thing is sexy . There's no ambiguity. She knows what you mean when you use that word.
Don't wait for a reaction, start talking about something else. It will ferment in there and not waiting for an answer shows you're not hanging on her approval.
Example: I like women that make me laugh... she says something funny.
"Hey, you're funny, I think funny women are sexy. (A half beat pause so it's not rushed then) So, anyway, tell me more about that Japanese restaurant... "
It seems like a small thing but it made a total difference in my male/female relations.
I'm typing this on mobile, but I remember the pain of feeling helpless with women. I hope some of this helps a bit, Bud.
*Edit fixing the book link that didn't work.
** Edit2 I'm not sure this is worthy of it, but thank you to whoever gifted me the gold.
I detest games in dating... but there are definite pitfalls to spilling it all off the bat. I've been in a casual relationship where we each went full transparency upon first meeting. It worked to an extent, but it also destroys any semblance of mystery. Part of dating is getting to know the other person and them getting to know you. Trust and love are built through experience and time together.
A month or two ago, someone posted something about discovering the INFJ strength in dating... which was being mysterious. I can't remember who, but it resonated with me. He said he'd been finding much more dating success by slowly revealing who he was and how he felt. Not so much manipulating as just not going full glom off the bat, if he likes someone.
Mark Manson's book, Models, makes some very good points and introduces some solid techniques for dating with authenticity, too. It's geared toward men, but I think much of the information is applicable to anyone. The first 15% of the book is pretty self-promotey, and there are some misogynistic generalizations here and there, but it was worth my time. Much of it is about building confidence just by being yourself and taking a zen - like approach of being grateful for any response to a declaration of interest. I'm into you! You're into me? Cool, let's see where it goes. Not into me? Cool, thanks for not letting me waste my time chasing you. I feel like it's a healthy version of playing it cool, without lying or repressing yourself.
I do not understand why you are downvoted. You are asking for perspective, no matter how offbeat the direction is.
>what's with all the scathing hate towards nice guys?
a lot of NGs show a simple display of unsuccessful sociopath behavior. The abuse attempt alone is enough to warrant plausibility of the personality of that person. On top of that, other factors like the big media and those mediums taken out of context by the NGs adds a flurry of social chaos. This disaster is solved by letting themselves understand the power of "thinking before speaking", and accepting their own emotions as their own, not blaming emotions on external forces.
>Most of them are genuine human beings who are lead in the wrong direction due to lies perpetuated in this hugz and feelz society through parents, schools, media and such ("masculinity is for chauvinist pigs", "instead of working out, girls like sensitive guys who buy them flowers and treat them like queens etc"). Most of them have grew up bullied or an outcast to the point of self-deprecation and low self-esteem. Instead of lashing out at them, maybe give them legit pointers on how to self-improve or pick up their game beyond banal polite conversations and random compliments.
This can go in many ways. Most of them ended up taking the pill, while others discover the negative power of who they are emotionally and mentally. Other ways fall between these two extremes, and usually people who take the pill fall out of their own accord and go completely out-of-society to the rest of the world. Anecdotally.
In my opinion I do not agree with the above because this furthers the narrative even harder than before (to the point of performing mental gymastics). I would suggest trying the filter method mentioned in a book like this or understand letting go of the things that you are hampered with like this.
>I feel most of it is due to society's underlying repulsion towards weak men who fit the betamale mold. I don't think society is quite ready (nor will ever be) for men showing emotion or vulnerability. You can't demonise those who reject you but we as humans are allowed to feel upset or dejected if one doesn't feel loved or worthy for intimacy or companionship. The whole "nobody owes you shit" may be true but it's completely nihilistic without offering some sort of solution to address the problem rather than sweeping it under the carpet.
There is a solution to this problem, and the solution does not involve setting people into boxes. the solution is looking at the differences between positive masculinity and toxic masculinity and gauge what your life is as a whole: personality, personal worth, and what you actually persevere in your hobbies.
A great subreddit that gives more discussion on this topic is /r/MensLib.
If you don't usually have a problem with the content, I think Models by Mark Manson is a decent book on the subject that avoids most of the typical PUA bullshit. This post has the book's main ideas. I think the book is a little too ready to declare universal truths about women, but it still has useful advice.
Easily the best resource I can recommend from own experience, changed my life:
Models by Mark Manson
Buy it. Read it. Get out there. I agree with the other comments, it starts within. You need to grasp who you are as a person from within and BE different from everyone else. Forget the random attractive girls, you need to explore things that make you who you are and find the demographic of women that would be most compatible. If you like to play video games and occasionally play pick up ultimate the girl in the ugg boots and yoga pants at Starbucks ordering a Venti Double whip chai mocha latte is NOT for you. First step toward finding the right girl is figuring out what YOU like to do and enjoy YOUR own activities first and foremost. A girl should be as interested in you as you are in her, you do you and invite them to SHARE experiences in YOUR life. Not become a PART of it or be put on a PEDESTAL.
[read this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025)
It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic and used the message of grace to resume drinking . Alcoholics can be very abusive and sinful. Alcohol will eventually make him miserable and completely destroy him. I know first hand. I wouldn't envy him.
I'm sorry you lost relationship but it's better for your kids and you if he's not around. I would urge you get counseling or at least reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More. It's a book about taking care of yourself and dealing with people like your ex-husband. God loves you and will help you through this. Keep going to church and talk to your pastor.
Perhaps you and your SO would benefit from reading the following books together: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, and Open Relationships.
Sex at Dawn gives a great evolutionary perspective on why some of us crave multiple lovers, The Ethical Slut will make you embrace your slutdom as long as you're ethical about it (which it sounds like you are!), and though I haven't yet read Opening Up, I hear it's a great how-to guide for open relationships and communication.
The playing field is even if everyone is getting their needs met. Not everyone in the relationship has the same needs or history, so some agreements about time/titles/etc. might be asymmetrical, but still "fair". You should all read The Ethical Slut if you already haven't. It might help everyone navigate this road a little easier.
Pleasure to speak with you (both). I'm a 32M and bisexual myself. I have had to navigate this same obstacle course with my life-partner and believe me, you are going about it way better than I did. The trick to opening up a LTR is to be selfless at every turn, and in doing so, your personal wants usually get met. If you are both giving towards each other, and you both genuinely want the other to have every positive life experience you can possibly have, then your hearts are in the right place. Feeling a sense of joy that your love is getting to enjoy something wonderful, even if it doesn't involve you is known as compersion. It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. It is also an emotion you can learn to have. Example: If you guys do find the right woman to bring home, and the two ladies are going at it, husband can either tell himself "this is happening because I am inadequate" or, he can say "this is happening because I want my wife to be happy, and I am so adequate that I am able to give her this happiness". Feelings of jealousy that sneak into the situation can be labeled correctly as relics of your childhood conditioning. There is nothing that can't be unlearned, or relearned.
I highly recommend you get some reading done on the subject. My personal bible has been The Ethical Slut. This book will help you guys navigate the complicated waters of polyamory and open relationships. It will validate much of what you're already doing, and alert you to pitfalls that you probably haven't even considered.
As someone who has had more than one partner for about a year and a half now, I am amazed and overjoyed that life-partners can do this for one another. I don't want to oversell this lifestyle because it's not for everyone. But if it is for you, well then, congratu-fucking-lations. You're in for a treat. Many of them in fact ;-)
> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.
That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.
> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.
Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.
> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.
You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.
After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.
Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.
Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.
Some people do this stuff instinctively. Some of us have to treat it as a skill.
So I got a lot of value out of books on this stuff. I read about the techniques, I practiced them, and I do ok.
Here are two really good ones:
Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards
and
What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro
You can improve these skills; they're just skills!
I taught myself CBT from a book that cost $6.79: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 and meditation, well there's a lot of internet resources that are cheap or free.
As a commenter posted below, most social services are offered at a state or county level. Local politics is a lot easier to change than you'd think. If you're upset at how your local state is doing, perhaps you should do something about that?
Because, if you're trying to sell that we ought to redirect funding from childrens programs, well, you know that is a futile fight.
I found the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy helpful when I was depressed. Though by the time I was reading it I was self motivated to get out of my pit - which can be a very hard point to get to. I also suffer mostly from negative thought patterns so cognitive behavioural therapy worked well for me, your SO might be different.
Do you have a support system outside of him? Depression does not only affect those who have it, but also the people around them - especially live-in significant others.
>"The things you say to your child NOW become the voices in their head in the future"
From a post in Ask Reddit which I cannot find at this time.
There is a cacaphony of critical, judgemental, negative, hurtful, voices which become "Intrusive Thoughts." Loops that playback over and over in your head. Thoughts that undermine your self-confidence or motivation.
Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy is a book that describes "Cognitive Behavior Therapy"-- where you learn to grab hold of your negative thoughts and tell them to GO AWAY.
If Intrusive Thoughts are seriously holding you back from success and happiness, it's OK to look into medication-- the family of SSRI's and all the related "re-uptake inhibitors" are suprisingly effective at shutting down negative thinking.
What you need to do is stop feeling guilty and stop beating yourself up for not being disciplined. This creates a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy where you accomplish nothing because you made yourself feel too crappy to even try to do anything. Depression is hard enough to deal without piling all of that added negative junk on top of it. What you should do instead is accept your situation, focus on your present needs, and celebrate your victories even if they seem really small. Learn how to do this effectively and then start tackling bigger tasks from there.
There's a very good book about depression called Feeling Good that I strongly recommend you read. There are a few chapters in there that discuss in detail what I've mentioned above getting yourself to do stuff and not feeling bad when it doesn't happen. I suffer from depression myself, and it has helped out a lot.
Welcome to the real world. Somehow, someone must have roofied you with a red pill. And let me tell you, it sucks. I fight with it every day.
People sometimes call it a depression. And depression, amongst other things is the red pill. (let's get this staright: im talking about prolonged mild depression, usually of the "I've been like this all my life" kind, and not suicidal tendencies full on negative stuff).
Yeah, the red pill. Depressed people are actually better at seeing how matters really are, it's been scientifically researched. That's because "normal" people are deluding themselves that things are really better than they seem, and it helps them survive the day.
The danger is, being more accurate when it comes to positive delusions and biases, you also lose a bit. Yes, you do realize you have no control over a situation, where an optimist would say otherwise and lose. But you sometimes also think you have no control in stituation where in fact you do.
The problem is, to lead a comfortable life, we do have to lie to ourselves, if just a bit. It's harsh, but that's the truth. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you may start lying to yourelf, but keeping control over which lies you allow yourself to believe in, not to slide over to the other side.
And this is because...
> But what if I get run over by a truck on the way home? Or die a frail old man on a bed?
The you die. No sense in pondering on all possible circumstances, over which you have no control.
> Will they be present in the afterlife? Is there an afterlife?
Quite possibly "no" and "no". There has yet to be a shred of credible evidence pointing the ther way, which brings us to the previous point: don't sweat the stuff you can't control.
> Why did I do all those things?
Ah, now. That's what this all is about, and that is why you need to lie to yourself, just a little. There probably is no God. No higher purpose. It means all of the responsibility is yours. Take it. Seize it. Use it. You have to create meaning, a purpose in your life. A life's purpose is not found, it's made. And only you can do it.
There is nothing that could stop you from going to Germany and becoming that guy who goes on a horse track with a stick and puts the patches of grass ripped by horse hooves back into the holes they left in the ground. Figuratively speaking of course. It's just an example. And you just might find yourself, against all odds, that you enjoy it. That your life is better now.
Now, the lying part. Your body, your brain, your senses they are all lying bastards. They constantly provide you with false information. Starting with optical illusions - look how much you know what's happening behind the scenes, you just can't convince your stupid eyes and brain. And that's why you have to lie to the machinery, to get it to cooperate with your will. You have to train it.
There is no easy way, unless you completely brainwash yourself. The problems you have - people try coping with these every day, and someties choose or unwittingly fall into the easy way. Religion (the blind one type). Sects. Social groups. It's all lying to your brain, in this case it's this overwhelming sense of harmony and higher puropose which comes from being backed up by a throng of people who think the same.
This is lying to yourself of a kind far worse than what I propose. But as always, the better way is much harder.
You have to realize you feel the way you think. Some of the things you think, are just perceptions of reality. But brooding makes you feel wretched. Not because this is how reality is, but because of what brooding makes to your brain chemistry. You have to revert it. But the ways which make your brain respond positively have to be found, by active seeking. You may think "oh, I'm not a go-kart person". Screw what you think. You don't know how your brain will respond, it's already lying to you. You have to atually try something, I can't stress it enough. Playing a guitar. Fucking knitting. Try stuff out.
Body hygiene: physical excercise, set sleep patterns, keeping hydrated.
It all does stuff to your brain, making expenditure of energy needed to try stuff easier. Developing rituals will give you the backbone. Our lives need to have at least some sort of rigor, self-imposed patterns for the brain to feel safe, and be able to explore other possibilities of development. At the beginning this was provided by your parents, now it's your responsibility.
You also need to feel needed. You need to try stuff that will make you feel useful. If you know some subject rather well - go teach someone. Go volunteer. Learn a new subject. Listen to Richard Feynman.
It can feel overwhelming, and you may fear commitment, taht if you pick something up, you have to stick with it, otherwise it makes no sense. I say this is wrong, watch this, and apply.
Yes, the life has no point and no sense. It's time make one for yourself. It won't be easy, it won't make the angst go completely away, but it's worth it.
P.S. Read this book, skip the first few preaching chapters if you need. It will be lying, but hopefully I got across the message, that you have to do some amount of it.
P.S.2. When recording progress (do that), compare yourself to how you were yesterday, a week ago, under no circumstances compare yourself to others. There may be a professional runner who feels miserable, because he compares himself to others. I, having only one leg, may feel better than him, because I was able to go to two places today instead of usual one.
P.S.3. Never, ever tell anyone what you're doing, until after you've done it. Telling someone makes this lying bastard, the brain, tell you you don't need to do it now that you've told someone. For him, telling someone it as good as doing, and you lose the incentive, the motivation.
For all that is holy, do not give delta to anyone. Not until after you've worked on yourself for at least half a year, and are relatively sure you won't 'slide back'.
I can not recommend this one enough. Really. https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
Personally, I've never encountered that. Though that is probably due to a massive dose of impression management. I try to walk around as confident as possible even when that might not be the case. If you haven't read it--What Every Body is Saying by Joe Navarro is a fantastic book on how to read people--but you can also use it in the reverse to appear the way that you want.
If I'm not with people I know well in public, generally speaking I am quite cold with people. I guess I learned to hide my emotions pretty well. I think most people also don't understand me, as I keep info about me on a very need-to-know basis. So for better or for worse, people give me space.
I don't know if any of this helps at all, but I noticed a pretty immediate positive change controlling the way I appeared to other people. Not just in the way that people reacted to me, but in my confidence as well. It seems you actually can fake it until you make it.
Wow, so many angry knee jerk responses on both sides of this topic. Unsurprising, of course, but unproductive too.
I would imagine the "why" varies for everybody, but since OP correctly notes that there are a whole lot of people with their own individual "why"s, I'd recommend picking up a copy of Sex at Dawn if you're interested in some general explanations. The short answer (well, so far as that book was able to support) is that we're frankly not well built for life long pair bonding. We instituted it as a social structure to facilitate familial land ownership, we've always kind of sucked at it, and we're not very self aware about that even though the evidence is literally overwhelming. Which is not to say nobody manages to be happy with it, but it's very clear a lot of people don't.
Seems to me the best thing is just to be honest with the people you love. If you're not happy, be honest. If you're attracted to someone else, be honest. If you want change, be honest. Present yourself as you are and give them the chance to respond however they choose, and ask them to do the same with you.
There are happy marriages out there (or at least ones that claim to be) with "understood" affairs. There are poly relationships. Lots of things exist and different things work for different people. (Check out TheBeautifulKind.com - NSFW - sometime.) It's dishonesty and deception that rightly register as betrayal and hurt people so badly that they can't trust again.
Good luck out there.
Congratulations, you're an introvert.
Sorry if that sounded sarcastic, it's not. The most important thing you can do is accept that this is going to be a challenge for you, to some degree, probably for the rest of your life. But wait, there's hope! If you do this more often, you'll get more comfortable with it and it will be less effort.
Additionally, the better you get to know people that you force yourself to talk to, the easier it will be to talk to them. You'll also move past small talk into conversations that introverts are more comfortable with. So you could look at the initial discomfort and energy expenditure as an investment.
Knowing this about yourself is a big part of the battle - you just need to prepare for the fact that these situations are going to sap the energy out of you, and plan some time to recover on your own by doing whatever it is you like to do.
Right now I'm actually reading this. I'd recommend it for all introverts (and anyone, really). It's not a self-help book or anything, but it discusses the differences between introverts and extroverts and gets a little into how introverts can be effective at different things (work, relationships, etc).
Life is all about balance. As someone who has been through some of the same stuff, I'd suggest being open minded to addressing other areas of your relationship. When I neglected my wifes emotional needs, she blamed it on video games because thats when she felt the most alone. I know it is upsetting, but shes just telling you she wants to spend time with you. I linked an article, but the biggest thing I took from it was that divorced men had wished they went to bed with their spouses more. I make an attempt to lay down with my wife when shes ready for bed, and then get up about an hour after. Its a good opportunity to connect, read a book, talk about life. Lastly, for years I never understood how I could be in the same room with my wife and she could say things like she wanted to spend time with me. I'd recommend checking out the book I linked. Its tough sometimes to swallow our pride and read a book about relationships and shit, but I can tell you it has been 100% effective in my relationship.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/divorced-men-marriage-regrets_us_5b916885e4b0511db3e046de
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
I could suggest lots of stuff, but I want you to learn to be okay with bringing ANYTHING up. I've told my wife the weirdest stuff and she still loves me (probably cause of my rockin' bod and hairdo). Talking about this kind of stuff used to scare me, but take those baby steps and you'll be on your way!
So, to bring it up I would just tell your husband that you discovered Love Languages today and that you found out yours is _____ and you would like to know his. You can do the quiz that's on the website, or you could even order the book.
If you are scared of him being offended, just reassure him that you want to be the best wife you can be and that you know he wants to be the best husband he can be. It'll tell you a lot about yourself and make you realize what exactly is important to you. Heck, I could even quiz you and probably help you discover your love language just in a few minutes here on Reddit. It's a simple concept, but will have huge effects.
I learned my wife's love language is Quality Time. I thought us being in the same room counted as that. I soon learned that it is much more than that. She doesn't care about being in the same room, but us having trips to ourselves, going out to do something special, and giving her my full attention. Similarly, my love language is Touch. I soon taught her that not all physical contact conveys love to me, so she now knows that instead of just patting me on the back, a kiss on the cheek shows love. There are many more examples so the stuff can get complex from a simple concept.
I think the best part about Love Languages is it gives you an easier way to bring this up. Normally you would probably say, "I wish you would do this more." If you guys read through the book or take the quiz and figure out your love languages it gives you a more scholarly (ie logical) approach to what you need rather than an emotional one. Makes the conversation easier. You could also make a game out of it and just ask him the questions and tell him the outcome and what it was for after you figure it out!
I recommend every single man on this planet to read it. It was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read and completely changed how I saw the world and myself. Sure, there's a few attributes that didn't quite fit for me, but on the few that did, I just paused and was absolutely shooketh.
If anyone here has even an inkling that they might have some Nice Guy tendencies, please please please buy it. You will not regret it. I wish I read this book when I was 18 or so, but what's done is done. I'm glad with where I'm at right now and that's partially due to this book. Read it.
Here, I even got the amazon link ready for you. https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Edit: Oh and make sure you actually do the exercises that he asks you to do. Just like with Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends, it becomes pretty obvious when a reader actually follows the instructions as asked
Always have to spoon feed this shit into you faggots.
When I say no I feel guilty
No more mister nice guy
I hope you have abbs.
Buy it:
Download full PDF for FREE:
No More Mr. Nice Guy
It was the most important book for fixing my marriage and getting me out of the dead bedroom.
First off. Congratulations on some things.
Now, things are going to get hard for you. Very hard. Or rather, very difficult. All of the things that you did or did not do in the past will pay dividends today. (For example: Did you learn your multiplication tables in the third grade? Good, that pays off today. Did you get a good career by going to college in a field which has a high degree of demand? Bad, that pays off today. http://www.amazon.com/Worthless-Young-Persons-Indispensable-Choosing/dp/1467978302)
This is a long post. Don't be offended at how long it is. Take it in pieces if you would like.
> Brief background: Married: 1 year
> Me: 23, bread winner.
> Wife: 24, stay at home mom
> Daughter: 3, special needs.
What is the real breakdown of $$$, as a percentage, and who is it coming from?
You are not the 100% breadwinner, as some of it is coming in via the SSI and child support.
> My issues arose when I lost almost half my hours at work
I'd suggest they arose well before that. This hour cutting is just the part that caused you to sit up and take notice.
What is your degree? How has it left you in the hole WRT needing to have an hourly job?
> for about 5 months (february to june). Cut from 30 hours to 18 a week.
Some people would say, "Woo hoo, I went from having 30 hours available for my night classes per week to now having 42 hours available. I think from the rest of your post that you might not have done that.
> Our daughters social security is what kept us afloat.
Well, the SSI and the child support, right?
> I lost all pride, all drive, and all feelings of adequacy.
I'd like to know what your budget was prior to this hour cut that allowed you to have pride, drive, and feelings of adequacy.
> So i picked up another job and did any and everything I could to keep my wife happy at the cost of my own happiness.
Good. Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" ? http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1453088070&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=no+more+mister+nice+guy
> Lost SSI due to missing paperwork and havent made time to get it fixed so it's just been me making it happen.
Be clear here, with yourself first, and your wife second. The two of you equally failed to perform the "Fill out the paperwork" task. Do not take 100% of the blame for this (unless your wife is illiterate, and you have to be the one to take that task all on your own).
> The past month: She's been going out every other night or having people over every other day and of course I started feeling jealous.
Some observations.
> I've been telling her that I want to hang out with her and spend time with her. But it never happened, either lack of time or money.
Be clear with yourself. It never happened for one of two reasons.
Consider that. Those are the only two reasons. There can be no other reasons. Then reflect on each of them, for 5 minutes each, separately. Write them on separate pieces of paper. "Why didn't I want to hang out with my wife?" "Why didn't my wife want to hang out with me?" Go for a walk in the back yard, put some "thinking music" on (I like Vivaldi), and consider those two questions. You will come up with answers that you don't like. That's OK.
> Today: I wake up to a quiet home. In a zombie-like fashion I scan the bed for my phone to check the time and it is 2:27pm. I have work at 3. I noticed a text notification from my wife that says "I went out to eat. Didn't want to wake you. Have a good day."
That was kind of her. (Take it at face value. Even if it was passive aggressive, and even if you don't like it, at face value, she did you a favor.)
> To the typical man, that is a blessing. But for me, being a beta bitch, i got upset. Without any form of rational thinking or reason, i sent back "U serious?". She calls and we begin to talk. I started with my "Id like to hang out with you too" blah blah blah. I work 2 jobs. 14 hours when working both in a day so "im tired" is always at the helm whenever i don't feel like putting any effort towards anything.
I don't think I believe you when you say "I'd like to hang out with you, too." Why? Words whisper, actions shout. Your words are saying, "I want to hang out." But your actions shout "I find other things more important than hanging out with you." Don't claim that I am saying something that I am not. I am not saying that you are choosing sleep over hanging out, and that this is bad. Again, I am not saying that. The only thing that I am saying is that your actions and your words do not match up.
Take this moment to ask yourself, "Well, self, what do I really want, then? I would suggest that maybe you want someone to say "Oh, poor baby, your life is so hard, I'll gladly hang out with you and wipe your brow and make things better." But that's just a guess.
> But at the end of that clearly one-sided argument she said "If you want to hang out with me, then make it happen. But dont you dare get mad when i get up and go without you because all you do is sleep". And i said "Fine".
Awesome. Look at what just happened there. I think it's good that someone in your life is willing to honor you enough that they will tell you to see things as they are. You should thank her for not sugar coating that.
> So I leave for work, clearly in a pissy mood,
"Clearly", only if you are living via emotions. Don't do that.
> when her words start to echo. It hit me that I need to get my shit together. I am way too dependant on her company, affection, and validation.
That is great. I'm happy for you that you were able to come to a conclusion that things need to be changed.
> She then texts me: "You didn't have money last night right? Why the hell would you get upset about today knowing you didn't have money today? You slept up till it was time to go to work? So why get get pissed about not doing stuff with me?"
It almost sounds like she is the rational one here.
> (Our group of friends went out to olive garden last night. I didnt have the money so I stayed home and she went with them)
That's interesting. I'll explain more below.
> And that just reiterated my previous thoughts. I had a clear moment of weakness that lasted damn near a year. But never again.
Sweet.
> No more weakness, no more beta, no more of this pity party bullshit, no more jealousy or insecurities. Swallowing the red pill.
Good.
Now that we have that out of the way...
I suspect that the answer to that question is "We don't have one." Get one. Number one. You must have one. This is not an option. I have friends who use YNAB, https://www.youneedabudget.com/ , Mint, https://www.mint.com/ , Google sheets (search for templates), and envelopes. https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=envelope+budget Yes, just envelopes, with just cash. It works. Do it. You and your wife will continue to have problems with your relationship and you won't be able to put a finger on it until your money is under control. At some point you mentioned that your wife gets to spend the extra $$$ that is left over for the child support. This is insane. Are you married, or Roommates With Benefits? I realize that this is not a budgeting subreddit, so get to one. You and your wife together. If she refuses to partner up with you with respect to the budgeting thing, then you have an MRP problem. Until then, you have a money problem. I suspect that she will refuse, since she likes to live beyond her means, and go out with her friends.
I suspect you have a crappy job, since you talked about having your hours cut. What are you doing to fix this? If (and I reiterate, if) you are able to afford a stay at home mom (SAHM) situation, then you have to earn the appropriate amount for your family. I suspect your wife needs to get a job as well. You simply cannot afford a SAHM situation. Face it.
I suspect you don't have a college degree in a field with high desirability. Why not? Lack of effort? Lack of focus? Put all of that behind you, and figure something out. You might have 6-8 years of suck ahead of you, while you take night classes and earn a degree that will pay well. Too bad.
None of these things are hard to do. "The only thing hard around here is your head" (said a random Drill Sergeant).
Make a plan. Find a close friend to help you stick to it.
You can do this. Many have before you.
Read this book.
Read this
IIRC it explains ways people who need admiration enjoy receiving it.
The Animator's Survival Kit: https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/
Good book with lots of practical references for animating walk cycles facial expressions etc
Yes, I spent a short time in therapy to deal with an emotionally abusive dad. It helped me really come to terms with the fact that bad people can be parents too. (That might sound like a silly realization but it really helped me, as I couldn't really grasp what I had done to deserve getting stuck with him as a father). A few books my therapist recommended helped too:
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396693883&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=toxic+parents
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396693911&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=toxic+parents
There's also /r/raisedbynarcissists, which might be a good place for you to talk to people who can understand what it's like to have an emotionally abusive parent.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
It's also the first google result if you look for Toxic Parents. I can never remember the author's name.
For an interesting read on this topic, there's a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" amazon that does a pretty thorough breakdown on the "Nice Guy" who never gets ahead and what they can do about it.
Turns out a lot of things that the "Nice Guys" do aren't very nice and are what are turning women off, not the need for "jerks".
Get a therapist. I don't say that in a negative way. I mean that the best person to help you identify and work through your issues, especially if you're the typical "nice guy," is a licensed therapist. Obviously, not all therapists are created equal, and not all are good for men.
If you're wanting some material for yourself to read, before you get to a therapist, there is:
No More Mr Nice Guy by DR Donald Glover - focus on identifying past issues and self improvement.
And the website of Dr Tara J Palmatier, Shrink4men - more focused on healing and recovery from relationships with women possessing a variety of social disorders.
Again, if you're really trying to work through some serious issues, you're going to walk to talk to a professional, that is aimed squarely at men. That cuts out probably 95% of female therapists, and about 60% of male therapists. If you have serious issues from your past that affect your behavior its really hard to self-diagnose, and self-treat, which is why most men deal with those issues through booze or drugs or women, or more commonly videogames and isolation.
I highly recommend this [book] (https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=)
It wont heal your pain, but it will make sure you're going in the right direction. It will change your life.
New rule: No more physical touch when you're angry. Go for a walk or just leave and cool off. Physical touch is only for showing affection.
You're right, the relationship does go both ways. She can say or do things that are provoking. But you have to remove the violence entirely.
Have a talk about you both protecting your sleep. Sleep helps with anger, anxiety, depression, everything. So share with her that getting sleep is extremely important for you and ask for her help creating a calming atmosphere when it's bedtime.
There's a book called the 5 Love Languages. It's about recognizing and learning what your partner feels is showing them love. This book talks about healthy ways.
But it can also be unhealthy. For example your partner provoked jealousy talking about texting someone else. Jealousy is obviously a huge potential trigger for anger. That's the kind of trigger that can make you go from 0 to 100 very quickly, instantly even. That's extremely bad communication for someone who is prone to anger. So your anger is justified. But you want to manage your response and not use physical touch. Instead of being violent, communicate and talk to her. Set boundaries that help set the terms of your relationship. You can ask important questions like, "If you're not committed to me, why are we even in a relationship?" You can use the format, "When you say , it makes me feel ." "When you talk about texting someone else, it makes me feel you don't love me. Do you love me?" A relationship based on jealousy isn't a healthy one and will always provoke a strong negative response from you. You have to protect yourself emotionally from a manipulative person who doesn't respect you.
We all have said things in the moment when we're fighting that we don't really mean. We mean it in the moment because we're angry. But we regret it and feel terrible later. That's because we know we can do better but have made a mistake. Saying things just to be hurtful is a mistake. She ultimately may not have meant it. The best thing we can do is learn from the mistakes and improve our communication so it brings us closer together instead of harming the relationship. There's another book, Getting Together and Staying Together that helps with this kind of relationship building. I wish I'd read it 20 years ago.
You will still get mad again. Don't beat yourself up about it. Getting mad at ourselves for getting mad makes it last that much longer. But use each incident of poor communication, each anger episode as a chance to practice managing your response when it happens. Stop talking and take a break. Literally just leave the house. Anger is a natural response. But we want to keep our reaction and level of anger matched to the situation. We don't want to let it run loose and become overblown. Use your own body language, how loud you are talking, tone of voice, cursing, etc., as a guide to how angry you are. Just pay attention to your speaking volume and level of agitation and use it to help identify when you need to take a break.
There's no shame in taking a pause. It's actually the most respectful thing you can do for your partner, to not transmit all that anger to them and allow them to maintain their own emotional levels, to control their own level of feelings. If she tends to blast you with emotions too, this is definitely something to have a talk about. "I want us to work on lowering our anger and frustration at each other. Can we do this together? We need to talk and share so we both get what we want and to keep building our relationship. But without using anger." Using an anger scale of 1-10 can help accurately describe where you are at the moment. "You seem mad, are you at a 5 or more like an 8?" Help each other identify what makes you mad and what doesn't so you can work on the right things together.
When talking through important things, take a break when you get agitated. Cool off. Then come back to it. You can take a break this way, tabling the conversation, and then returning to it as many times as you need to get through important discussions. Let's talk about this again after lunch (or after dinner, or tomorrow). The amount of time needed to cool off and reflect by ourselves is up to us. The goal though is to always come back and keep working on issues until they are resolved enough so both partners needs are met and feelings are acknowledged. That's why there can't be a "winner" in an argument. When there's a winner, there's a loser. And there needs to be understanding on both sides.
So an important part of being in a relationship is to not worry about being right all the time. Of course there will be values that are important to you. Don't let go of your values. But for most things, don't worry about being right. Let your partner be right just to see what it feels like. We each have our own perspective. And that's often what draws us to a person in the beginning. So we want to keep letting that person share their perspective. Without being overbearing and not letting them share what's important to them too. A relationship is 50/50 sharing and letting them have their opinion too, just like we have ours. Couples therapy is an option if you feel it will help. Improving communication always improves the relationship and couples counseling can help in that area. Hope some of this helps. Take care of yourself and hang in there!
> It's my love language, as stupid as that is.
I don't think that's stupid at all. That book is one of my favorites of all time. I've found it super useful in many of my relationships. (And as an aside, because I'm not really sure what my son's language is, I try to make sure I'm hitting them all!)
Here's a book I'd recommend about the "five love languages" and what they mean. If you don't want to splurge for the book, I'm sure you can find enough useful information by googling.
Anyhow, the gist of the book is that people feel and experience love in different ways: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Now people generally don't exclusively feel loved via one "language" but usually one or two stand out above the others.
It definitely sounds as if your "language" of choice is words of affirmation, but that's probably not the case for him. Figure out what applies to him, and do those types of things to show him.
> because she rarely said I love you in my language.
Five love languages book.
Money: Watch this over and over, take notes and internalize the information. Read this. Live within your means.
Social Contacts: Fnordsnord covered it. Also read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Actually take notes, practice what you read and reread. Read this blog post.
Women: You're already on redpill so you're probably pretty set on knowledge there. Read this, this, and this anyway. Internalize, practice, reread.
Life: Two suggestions, 1) Your first reaction to things isn't always the right reaction. 2) Prepare to fail. Skipped a gym visit or missed a lift? Chump = give up. Man = you were prepared for this it doesn't phase you. You're back at it tomorrow. Narrow your life to a few important things and work daily on them. Don't overdo it just plod along. All the greatest achievements in life are done with steady hard work. Read this
Career: Every two-four weeks or so update your resume (keep two versions of your resume, a super long form with absolutely every reference, accomplishments, phone number, address, date, etc and a super short form single page one with all the highlights, make it pretty) and glance for either a higher paying job within your field or a higher status job. Always secure a new job before leaving an old one. If you're still in college or decide to go back, pick a career field that will be in demand when you graduate. Start applying while you are still in school. Read this.
Organization: buy a simple small 2 drawer filing cabinet and manilla folders, put important docs in there. Digitize super important docs. Clean it out every once in a while. Watch this.
Study habits/learning habits: I don't really have time to go into this in any detail but go to everyclass. Take comprehensive notes, ask a shit ton of questions, bounce new things you're learning off people and discuss it as much as possible. Find people that know the material better than you and spend time with them. Take those notes you wrote and get a piece of paper. Draw three columns. Right column is most important info that might be on test/eval, center column is that same info in short hand, left column is a visual representation of the information that might help you daisy chain memorize it. This is my own technique so PM if you'd like more clarification. Turn every assignment in no matter how poor the quality. Last but not least one more time prepare to fail. Talk to your boss or professor if you're slipping; our first impulse is to turn inward and blame yourself and not seek others to help because it looks weak. Like I said your first reaction/feeling isn't always the right one. Prepare to fail. Be antifragile. Good luck; you don't need it if you apply yourself, plan, and work diligently.
Edit: One last thing. Statistically you will live a long time. Think with your future self in mind everyday.
If you want to get started in understanding these dangerous people, here is an easy but informative book. This is a must read for Parents of young daughters; all that charm that is sooo endearing to most parents, is actually a danger sign.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324183710&amp;sr=1-1
Check out this book
Sure! If you have any questions for the filmmaker herself, I'll send them on. From the teacher's desk:
Theory:
Software:
Amateur vs. Professional:
Hope that helps! Those points are just scratching the surface on a huge amount of material, but for starting out, it's great to just have fun experimenting. Feel free to ask more questions, and good luck!
Hehehe "tips"... I just read a blog post about people asking for "art tips" that happened to ring pretty true, although that guy presents it in a more grouchy way....
I just draw every day and take an active interest in art. Here are some of my favorite books:
McCloud
Loomis
Animator's Survivor Kit
Lately my big epiphany has been to stop punishing myself at every turn and just let go and finish something. So keep that in mind to have fun with it!
Cool little experiment. Animating can be a lot of fun. If you're at all serious about animation, I cannot recommend The Animators Survival Kit enough. It was a book that was required for my animation classes in college, and I still use it to this day.
If you have any questions about animation, I only have a degree and 2 years of work experience, but I can give you some pointers.
[This] (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025) might help you make the first few steps that are so difficult
You very clearly need a break.
You may end up facing charges if she chooses to file. That cannot be helped at this point.
But, none of this changes the fact that you got there through severe abuse, and need to get out. Let this be a wake-up call. Don't let yourself get driven to this point again.
Find some way to detach. Find an outlet for the anger. Find an outlet for the sadness, and someone to hear your story. Begin detaching the hooks she has in you and allow yourself to focus your life on finding peace, in whatever form it comes. Likely, you need NC if things are this bad.
You can take responsibility for something that you did that was wrong, while still also being the victim of something, yourself. That's allowed, and does not reduce either. Things are not black-and-white in the real world. But, you need to take responsibility for your own needs and feelings, and learn to fulfill them in a healthy way, if you are ever going to heal - that means getting the help that you need and breaking that drama triangle, even if that requires physically removing yourself from the situation.
Just remember, always:
You are, fundamentally, good.
(edit: added another link).
Look for reciprocity - any relationship, romantic or platonic, will have its gives and takes. There will be problems, but you should both be willing to work it out. I used to go from 0-100 in relationships and place unrealistic expectations on others. They're not mind readers, and a lot of them don't understand the aftermath of relationships with Ns.
It's normal to be paranoid, but there are people out there who legitimately want to help and be friends. They may just think that you need to hear that you are loved and supported. Some people use "love" flippantly, some don't. It's harder to wait and see where a relationship goes and much easier to cut and run, but running because you're afraid will kill some potentially good relationships.
Ns teach their children to fear others, to fear being known, because everything will be used against you. Healthy relationships are not like that, but you do need to figure out how to identify other people's boundaries and create your own. For me, if friends said "hey, you don't need to pay rent", I'd probably make the offer to pay or chip in every couple of months or so just to be sure, or say something like "if that changes, please let me know". Ns will never "treat others how you'd like to be treated", but others will, and that might be what your friends are doing. At the same time, be aware of manipulation through fear/guilt/obligation by friends. Some know they're doing it, some don't.
These helped me:
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Oh! I found it! The Definitive Book of Body Language, this is the one I read.
There's so much research done on body language, and it's incredible. FBI people are really good at that kind of stuff, to help read the suspects and whatnot better. It does in some way feel like mind reading, cause you are able to get a decent handle on someone by paying attention to how they act, how they say things. Only 7% of communication is verbal, that is, what you are in effect saying. The rest is body language and the inflection you use when saying something.
> Mostly at work & mostly around friends, I'm a meek person. In fact, you could say I take shit. Somebody gets sick, they call me to cover a shift. I virtually never say no. Stay late, I say yes. I'm usually non confrontational, unless someone/something gets under my skin. When someone does, eventually get under my skin? I sort of lose all my pent up frustration in one big hit.
Hey, I know this is unsolicited life advice, but you should read No More Mr Nice Guy ^torrent. Your description of your personality matches what's in that book 100%.
Hello 29 year old version of me, from the 36 year old version of me. Since you're a reader of actual books, this should be pretty easy.
Okcupid/Plentyoffish: free sites, lots of cheapos/weirdos. Probably decent for hookups.
Match: Pay site, has a moderate "meat market" feel to it.
Eharmony: the most expensive, best for meeting long term relationship material
Overall Impressions/Recommendations:
It's a lot to deal with at once, and I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy. But you know what? A year after I got divorced, I was banging women 8 years younger than my ex-wife. You can do this.
You sound like the me of about a year ago. There's a lot of things I recognize from your post. I also felt like I failed at life. I disliked my job, felt like everyone was passing me by, I had anxiety issues, I had a hard time connecting with people, especially women, couldn't get motivated to do even basic stuff and was always worrying about what other people thought about me.
Now, I feel good about myself, I'm starting a dream job in 2 months, I enjoy talking to people (and they to me) , I'm more productive than I ever was, and I'm dating a pretty cool woman. I'm only a few years older that you are, but I hope I can help you find your path to a better life.
The first thing you need to realize is you are not failing in life. You are 27 and have many years ahead of you. You can make those years into a wonderful adventure. It'll take some hard work, but guess what: everything worthwhile does. So, maybe you need some extra time to figure out how to proceed in life.
You need to be true to yourself, stop worrying about other people, and learn to love yourself for who you are. Easier said than done, to be sure, but it's possible. I'm going to say a lot thing about the kind of person I think you are (or see yourself as), some of them may be wrong, but try to see the bigger picture. If it helps, just imagine I'm talking about myself instead of you.
> And I know this is not a competition.
You say that, but everything else you write in those two paragraphs (career and future) screams the opposite.
You need to ask yourself: what do you want to do? What would you like to achieve. These aren't easy questions, but I'll come back to those later. For now, just know that whatever everybody else is doing is totally irrelevant to your happiness, or at least, it should be. You don't owe anybody anything. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but you. There will always be people with better jobs, bigger brains and hotter girlfriends than you. That doesn't mean you are inferior, unless you define yourself by just those things.
So don't do that.
You seem like you derive most of your self-worth from external sources, meaning that if those external things (career, social status) take a turn for the worse, they affect your self images. You seem to need approval from other people to feel good about yourself, which causes you to act in ways you think others will approve of, instead of what you really want. You're measuring yourself against others, instead of against your own personal yardstick. You're hiding your personal needs and flaws because you're afraid other people will dislike, judge, or abandon you because of them. Right now the biggest thing standing in the way of your happiness is that deep down, you don't believe you deserve the life you want. You have a negative self-image and you're holding yourself back because of it. You have internalized these negative thought patterns for whatever reason, and you need to break out of them, because they are counter-productive.
You need to start believing that you are a person deserving of happiness, love and respect, despite your imperfections. You need to stop caring about other people's opinions and stand up for your own. You need to put your own needs and wants first, instead of catering to others.
You are responsible for your life and no one else's. That means both that you're the only one you need to answer to, and that you're the only one who can make you a happy person. That means figuring out who you want to be. Which, like I said, is not an easy question when you spent most of your life figuring out who "they" want you to be. But I assure you, it's worth it.
I apologize if I'm rambling (remember, I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you), but this is where my life changed. And it's still changing: it's a work in progress and I will probably never be completely done.
I would recommend you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. You can read the first few pages on Amazon; see if you recognize anything in it. (Or have a look at the web site.) If you do, torrent it, get it from Audible.com in one of their billion promotions or better yet, buy a physical copy (that always works best for me). If you can't afford it, PM me and I'll send you a copy on my expense. It goes into a lot more detail on the issues I've only vaguely outlined above. It seems to me you are a textbook "Nice Guy". (Which is, in fact, anything but nice.) Glover outlines the symptoms of the Nice Guy syndrome, why these behaviors are counter-productive, and how to change the underlying thought patterns step by step.
To stop being a "Nice Guy" is not to become an asshole, by the way. In fact, you'll probably become a better, more honest and genuine person because of it. One caveat: it has some material about masculinity and femininity, which some people find a bit misogynistic as they feel it paints women as the Bad Guy (or Girl, I guess) behind this phenomenon. I didn't see it that way. I don't think resentment towards women is justified based on this issue.
This book literally helped change my life. I was also lucky enough to have some great friends who believed in me even when I didn't. A support system in crucial for successfully turning your life around, because you need people you can trust, who can pick you up when things don't go as smoothly as you hope. A few good friends is enough. Maybe siblings if you have any. Let them know what you're trying to do, and I'm sure they're willing to help. If you don't know anyone who could, hit me up and I'll support where I can.
Some other books that have helped transform into a new person the past year were "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane (helped with my social anxiety) and "The 7 habits of highly productive people" by Stephen Covey (helped with being an effective person and getting my priorities straight). These three share some common ground, as they all demand you reform your thought patterns in order to genuinely be yourself, before any real change can happen. I found they really complemented each other rather nicely for the particular rut I was in.
Some other tools that have helped me (that others have already mentioned as well) : exercise, meditation, keeping a journal, positive affirmations, talking to people I trust, hugs, playing music, asking for help when i needed it. Maybe these sound trivial, but I couldn't have done it without these factors.
I hope you read this far. If you have, let me know, even if you think I'm talking out my ass. I'd like to know what you think about it.
You can do it. You deserve to be happy. You have the power to change. You are an awesome person and it's time you show the world.
If you havnt already, definitely read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (https://www.amazon.com/No-More-MR-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339).
Sounds like you are on the right track but the key to everything is about balance, push the envelope out a little bit more each time to see where the push/pull sweet spot lies.
Seconding the open/poly lifestyle; if you can adjust, it's fucking fantastic for those of us with higher sex drives. Check out The Ethical Slut for that perspective. Sexual incompatibility doesn't need to spell the end of a relationship, or settling for less sex than you need. Perhaps you just need to supplement (openly and honestly).
Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.
Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!
With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.
Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.
Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.
Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.
Also, be prepared for some disapproval in poly communities. Hetero couples, or couples with a hetero male and bisexual female, looking for bisexual women to join them are really, really, common. And they unfortunately very often engage in unethical, or at least ethically dubious, behavior. More Than Two devotes a whole chapter to this, and I highly recommend reading it. Try to avoid those behaviors.
Best of luck!
First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.
This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.
There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023157&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023193&amp;sr=1-1-spell&amp;keywords=coependent+no+more
http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023212&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023231&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023293&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=boundaries+with+kids
that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.
edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.
Actually if he’s not meeting your needs and does nothing about it, that is taking you for granted. His feelings about his body image is not your concern b/c you are his partner not his therapist. If he’s sick, is he seeking help? If not then once again doing nothing is not the answer unless you’re OK with the status quo. Also, the notion that leaving a relationship is not a course of action is quite naive and dangerous. Sometimes you must quit for your own safety and health, mental and physical. I recommend this book b/c from the sounds of it you need to read it immediately. You are young so you have much to learn. Best of luck to you. https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
This definitely speaks to me, I know the feeling you're talking about.
One thing I can suggest is trying to practice awareness. I can imagine right now when you're freaking out about him not texting you for 10 minutes, or whatever it is, you feel stupid or bad in addition to the anxiety you're feeling. You probably start beating yourself up for feeling the way you feel. Try not to do that. Rather, just allow yourself to feel what you feel, and observe it. Try to rest in it. "Hmmm, I'm incredibly anxious right now. Why am I anxious? I think it's because of my boyfriend not texting me (or whatever). Why is that causing me anxiety? I think I'm starting to imagine all kinds of dark scenarios like him cheating on me. I know that's probably not happening, and him not texting me is not a reasonable indication of that anyway. This anxiety is really about my own insecurities and need to control. Ok. Let's just let this go on for as long as it does, and observe it." That kind of thing.
Just remember that this particular behavior is only a symptom of your larger disfunction and unhealthy behavior towards relationships.
Are you religious, spiritual, or have a belief in any kind of higher power? If you have any sense of that, something that's really been helping me when I have reactions and unhealthy obsessions like this is to stop, recognize it, and then ask God (as I know Him) to come into that moment and feeling with me and to let me feel His love for me. I don't try to not feel it, I just accept it. I also don't beat myself up for feeling that way.
Some resources:
Codependents Anonymous website, a 12 step recovery program for people who want the ability to have healthy relationships with others.
Codependent No More, a great book.
Good luck!
Edit: don't know why that link isn't working...
This is actually a great point. In Dale Carnegie's book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living he points out that if you're feeling stressed about making a particular mistake, think about what would have to be true for that one mistake to have resulted in all your problems. So in this case, one might feel bad about eating extra donuts and think that they are going to fail at their diet, from here you would say: What would have to be true for two donuts to cause me to fail at my diet? The answer would be that the diet is completely dependent upon that single choice, which it is not. I'm not sure if I'm doing a great job explaining, but Dale Carnegie is a fantastic author with great insights into self improvement. His most famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is an incredible read as well.
I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7gE4BbB2R5DZY
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_giE4BbJ3RKFRN
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553386395/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VhE4BbQ84219T
Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below
https://www.google.com/amp/s/markmanson.net/boundaries/amp
Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others
*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mrE4BbHBCFCS6
Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.
...man, do I suck at boundaries!
Read this book:
Attached
Most people who engage in affairs have an “avoidant” attachment type and are with someone who has a “secure” or “anxious” attachment type.
My wife is avoidant, I am anxious. She minimizes her feelings and rationalizes her choices in order to avoid having difficult conversations about her emotions.
This led her to connect emotionally with someone else when she found it easier than discussing difficult issues with me directly. This emotional connection made her more receptive to his attention than she may have been otherwise.
Understanding how she became vulnerable has helped us understand how to avoid the situation recurring in the future.
I wish you peace.
Some people are more sensitive and anxious in relationships than other people, it's just how it is. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it's just how you are wired. There are plenty of people out there who won't be put off by it (or bring it out in you) as long as you don't cross the line into controlling. There are, however, quys who will just be a really bad match for you. A guy who's first reaction when the anxiety comes up is to pull away will increase your anxiety, which will push him further away and it will just spiral and spiral. You can even feel that you like him more than you even do - but it's just anxiety.
This isn't doom, it just means he's probably a bad match for you emotionally. I highly recommend reading a book about attachment theory like Attached, it might help you be able to identify unhealthy matches for yourself. I found it really interesting and it's helped me pick healthier people to date.
I highly recommend this book: “Attached”:
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=asc_df_1585429139/
And, remember that if you’re clingy and your partner is happy with you anyway, don’t over-worry. That’s not to say you don’t work on yourself - we all should. But also don’t let your fears ruin a good relationship.
I can't recommend the book Attached more! Check it out.
I'm pretty new to poly and am the lurker mentioned in one of the other comments =D.
I'd encountered people with a poly lifestyle in the past, but had never considered it to be appealing until just recently. I spent the past few months figuring out my jealousy triggers and working through my baggage. A switch flipped in my head while reading The Ethical Slut and I'm suddenly pretty open to possibilities.
I'm pretty sure I've always repressed my feelings/flirting/desires around other people than my relationship partner before out of a sense that this was expected of me as a show of faithfulness. I never allowed myself to consider additional relationships before so there's a feeling of liberation that comes with my personal epiphany.
I'm an IT professional currently working as a support analyst at a software company. I consider myself to be pretty smart, but I really enjoy being surrounded by coworkers smarter than myself. It gives me a refreshing challenge.
My main subreddits at the moment include /r/cigars, /r/guns, /r/sysadmin, and /r/polyamory.
I occasionally look silly, stylish, taller than I am, skeptical, or out of my era.
I haven't decided what I'm looking for in new partners yet really, but I'm comfortable with that for the moment.
Good to meet you all.
edit: Admittedly, I forgot the "where" too. Alberta, Canada.
I hate to be one of those poly people who sounds like a broken record but, spend some time with The Ethical Slut. Even if you aren't poly, this isn't a monogamous relationship anymore. There's a reason it's basically the Bible.
Não. E os poli relacionamentos heterossexuais que testemunhei duraram muito pouco ou eram a descrição do relacionamento abusivo.
Esse livro Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures https://www.amazon.it/dp/1587613379/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_ZSUZAb6TT7BCQ tem uma visão da possibilidade de poliamor que tangencia relacionamentos abertos sem a necessidade de sexo. Mas também trata de sexo.
Conheço casais gays que estão juntos há anos e que frequentemente transam com outras pessoas ou trazem outras pessoas pra casa e continuam com o casal nuclear que possuem planos a longo prazo. Que sao abertos só na questao sexual. Poliamor não é um conceito que vive só no meio das pernas.
Não sei porque dessa distinção, é apenas uma observação.
Galera que venera o Osho costumam se encontrar e resignificar sexo, mas eu recomendaria distância dos cultos e netflix.
Você está em um relacionamento e quer modificar o contrato para algo mais aberto?
Ugh. There is a reason we say "ethical non-monogamy". Cheating, not telling you, then thrusting you into an open marriage when it's not what you want is totally unethical and a super duper jerk move in my book.
I feel for you. And I can be empathetic towards her. Perhaps she only recently has come to accept that she isn't heterosexual, maybe she's dealt with a lot of sex and slut shaming growing up, and she hasn't been honest with her emotions. And I can see a reality where she just kinda exploded in a messy way and didn't know how to navigate this lovingly in a way that made you feel safe.
The way that this came up is completely devastating and you are valid to have your hurts, loss of trust, and fears.
But I still wanna smack the back of her hands. Bad wife, bad!
That being said...
There are a number of ways for you guys to explore non-monogamy if you'd like. Swinging, "open while traveling", poly, etc. She did open the door the for you guys to communicate about what you want and how to grow together, and that is awesome.
You may want to read
The first two will help you understand how to navigate opening your marriage if you want to do that. And the latter will help you rebuild trust and understand navigate the new shift in your relationship.
Also, please try and look for a sex-positive poly-friendly therapist. They will help you guys navigate this without being shamed or shutting her down for her desires.
----- edited for link readability. Didn't realize Amazon mobile adds the book title to the front of the link. :)
First and foremost, monogamy does not mean you will not feel desire for other women. You will always feel desire for other women - monogamy is the choice to not act on those desires.
That said, if you're thinking of looking into non-monogamy, that's awesome. Especially since you know it would make your girlfriend happy. Some recommended reading: Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. Also, give the Savage Lovecast a listen.
Think hard about how you cope with jealousy - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Think hard about how you'd manage your time - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Talk about what boundaries the two of you would have - can you have other relationships, or just sex outside the relationship? Find the guidelines and compromises that work for you two. Be willing to rework them once you try it and see what works and what doesn't for you two.
Do what makes you happy, and make sure your girlfriend is happy too. That's the bottom line.
Attached and The Feeling Good Handbook. As she handed them to me, I just kind of thought to myself "really?" She chuckled and said to give it a try. I left her office and purchased those two books from a local bookstore around the corner from her office and they were honestly great.
Basically, I wouldn't worry about being unhealthily co-dependent in a relationship you're largely happy in and where there are no issues of abuse or addiction. The concept of co-dependence has been co-opted and applied to situations where it's not terribly relevant. Unlike the bloggers of the world, I'm going to admit that I'm nowhere near qualified to dole out this kind of advice, though.
I recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more on this topic. It's an easy read and helps you understand patterns you may have seen in yourself or your partners. Also, it seems well grounded in science. The authors continually cite psychological studies, which is more compelling than it sounds.
I felt the same way well into my 30's. My relationships never lasted more than a few months, and they made me miserable. Long story short, I was dating the wrong women. This is going to sound cheesy, but you need to understand and accept yourself before you can move forward. Then you need to approach your relationships with 100% honesty about who you are and what you need.
In my case, I was an introvert trying to date extroverts. I didn't understand what it really meant to be an introvert or that it wasn't a flaw that needed correcting. This book changed my life: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.
I also hadn't found a relationship in which I felt completely safe being honest without fear of judgement. That's as much on your partner as you, of course, but you can facilitate it by setting the example.
Once I knew myself and understood that I wasn't a bad person, I finally became open to meeting the right woman. It didn't happen overnight. When my perfect introvert found me, it took me a while to believe I was really capable of even having a relationship. Fortunately she had patience. We dated for a year, and now we're engaged. :)
I thought that too, until:
>Pete turned to me with a completely serious expression, an expression devoid of even the faintest flicker of a smile, and said, “This is the worst place on earth. We’re in it. Right now. No, it’s not even earth. It’s hell.”
I'm a pretty big introvert, but there's a difference in feeling tired around people and that kind of misanthropy. I've been to six weddings so far this summer (Seriously. And two more to go.) and when I start feeling overwhelmed, I take a walk in the hallways or outside for a few minutes. It's never occurred to me to think of other people the way Pete did.
You'd probably like this book; I did:
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153/
Introversion is not a 'problem', it is simply an orientation.
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I feel ya. Same boat, different paddle. Have you read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking It is helping me embrace my Ambiverted self.
My sympathies. I've not burnt out from sex work, but I have burnt out from other kinds of work, and I've found these two books to be helpfu:
Some thoughts relevant to your situation:
The big key is you need something repeatable that you can practice. For that I like cognitive behavioral therapy (I would read Feeling Good) and meditation (I like Meditation in Plain English, a free book). CBT is a good way to stop believing things that aren't true and meditation is a good way to help ignore the things that are.
Hi there!
>I don't think it's depression. I've had moments of extreme loneliness, but It's never been crippling. I can function just fine.
Honestly, you sound pretty depressed. You don't need to be crippled by it to be depressed. For some people it is mild, and stays that way (or goes away). For some, it becomes worse over time. But the way you describe screams depression to me.
As a practical guide, look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a start. You don't require a therapist for it (although it would be nice but I know you won't (or can't) be going that route as a start). So I suggest you this book. I witnessed it helping tremendously to many people first hand (if you do your CBT homework as presented in the book). Research it first and see what you are getting into. This is not an ad, if you want I can send you a digital copy (pirated) or you can find it online. I just want you to consider it. Best of luck.
Hey,
Congratulations on your decision to get help! You can do it. In you post history, I can see that you struggle with depression.
First, where are you located? Are you in Europe, in the US, somewhere else? In most places, you can find therapists. Are you still in school or studying? Many schools and universities offer free mental health councelling. Check those out! Depending on your situation, you might be able to qualify for government assistance. I am not in the US, but I believe you can check HealthCare.gov to find out if you qualify and take your next steps from there. If you don't qualify, there is a very cool blog post by a psychologist on how to get mental health care on a budget: http://slatestarcodex.com/2018/04/25/mental-health-on-a-budget/
Let me quote from that article:
"This section is on ways to do therapy if you cannot afford a traditional therapist. There may also be other options specific to your area, like training clinics attached to colleges that charge “sliding scale” fees (ie they will charge you less if you can’t afford full price).
1. Bibliotherapy: If you’re doing a specific therapy for a specific problem (as opposed to just trying to vent or organize your thoughts), studies generally find that doing therapy out of a textbook works just as well as doing it with a real therapist. I usually recommend David Burns’ therapy books: Feeling Good for depression and When Panic Attacks for anxiety. If you have anger, emotional breakdowns, or other borderline-adjacent symptoms, consider a DBT skills workbook. For OCD, Brain Lock.
2. Free support groups: Alcoholics Anonymous is neither as great as the proponents say nor as terrible as the detractors say; for a balanced look, see here. There are countless different spinoffs for non-religious people or people with various demographic characteristics or different drugs. But there are also groups for gambling addiction, sex addiction, and food addiction (including eating disorders). There’s a list of anxiety and depression support groups here. Groups for conditions like social anxiety can be especially helpful since going to the group is itself a form of exposure therapy.
3. Therapy startups: These are companies like BetterHelp and TalkSpace which offer remote therapy for something like $50/week. I was previously more bullish on these; more recently, it looks like they have stopped offering free videochat with a subscription. That means you may be limited to texting your therapist about very specific things you are doing that day, which isn’t really therapy. And some awful thinkpiece sites that always hate everything are also skeptical. I am interested in hearing experiences from anyone who has used these sites. Until then, consider them use-at-your-own-risk." (end quote)
There are also sections on prescription medicine and on supplements in that article. Check it out!
If you are in a particularly bad spot or just need somebody to talk, there are lots of phone lines and services where you can call in for free. One example: https://www.crisistextline.org/depression/ (US-based).
There are also subreddits like /r/depression where you can get help from people who actually know what they are talking about.
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Good luck and hang in there!
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You have to learn to realize your thoughts don't always make logical sense and combat them either in the moment or before they jump on you. I'd strongly recommend the book Feeling Good which goes into detail about some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
In general and for me, I accept too much blame for things or assume things will go badly. A quick short cut for me is to place the blame back outward. An easy example might be something like showing up to the wrong movie time. "It's not my fault we showed up to the wrong movie time, my girlfriend was the one to look up the times on her phone, no reason for me to feel awkward."
If you don't like counselors or any other method that involves talking to someone there is another way. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy
You know that voice inside your head that tells you bad things? CBT is a method of retraining that voice and to change your thinking pattern.
Heres a book I recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1427450877&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=cognitive+behavioral+therapy
So I'm not trying to be a dick by asking this but I have been reading this book about mindfulness and depression that was suggested on /r/Anxiety. One of the things the book talks about is the way depression fucks with our thinking. My question to you is "How do you know things won't get better?" Unless you have some sort of X-Men type power that can see into the future, you don't know that things will not get better. Sure 8 months seems like a long time but if you really really think about it, it's such a small amount of time in your life. Depression can really really cripple your mind. It twists reality into something that isn't the true, and it does it so well that you end up stuck in a loop of negative thinking. You get so down on yourself that you actually start to believe that those negative thoughts seem true. Stopping those negative thoughts is not an easy task, I'll give you that. I have been there, in fact many people have been there. You might be thinking "Dude, no one can understand where I am at right now. You don't know me!" You are right I don't know your struggles, but a struggle is a struggle no matter what it is, am I right? So why compare your struggles to someone elses's? Struggles are on a level playing field. what is not a level playing field is how long it takes us to overcome those struggles, and there should be no shame in that. Why? Because your still trying to overcome those struggles. Trust me in this, and I am sure everyone in this sub can attest to what I am about to say, giving up on overcoming those struggles isn't going to make you feel any better, change your life for the better, or make you feel good about yourself. Eventually it'll land you right back to where you started. The cycle will happen over and over again until you figure it out. Now you gotta ask yourself, how long do I want to stay in that cycle? My whole life? A few more times? Or do I just keep pushing forward, even if it's millimeters at a time? I say go with the millimeters. Sure you might not see immediate results, or maybe you will, but you don't know unless you keep moving those millimeters. And if you fail, accept that it happened. Don't wallow in that drowning sludge of sorrow and guilt. Wallowing just makes it harder. Forgive yourself and move on. I'll suggest 2 books that really have really helped me in understand my anxiety and depression a little better. First one is called The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Feeling Good by David Burns. I know the titles sound super hippy dippy and cheezy. I had that thought as well when they were suggested, but once I started reading them the stuff they were saying made a fuck ton of sense. I found myself often saying "Holy shit! That is exactly how I feel and exactly my thought process. These are not cures, they are tools. Like any tool you can either let it sit there or you can pick it up and try to figure out how to use it to your advantage and you have to keep applying it. It might sound daunting but believe me friend the more you practice it the easier it is. Please give those books a try, I mean considering the alternative (staying where you are at or going back to something that is going to make you feel worse about yourself) what is $20 and an hour of reading for a couple of months? Also, fucking 8 months!!! Holy shit! That is fan-friggin'-tastic. How about staying in it for another two months and make it a year. You're a warrior! You can do it. You just gotta try to break out of that cycle and rewire that negative thought pattern. I promise you it's easier than you think...or your depression thinks.
>I wonder if these nagging feelings will continue, and if it’s worth giving up an amazing connection with him to find someone who will be...I suppose easier in the sense that we can experience life together for the first time.
So. OP.
What I see you saying here is that you really care about this guy. He makes you genuinely happy, your relationship is strong, and you could see yourself building a life together.
HOWEVER, there is this issue between you that could potentially break your relationship. And if that happens, you would need to move on from the connection you've found with him. You'd return to the search, hoping to find someone more compatible to share your life with.
Do you see where I'm going with this? You can't imagine how your partner could want to be with you after committing to someone previously, but that's exactly what you're considering here.
Now imagine all this comes to pass. You end the relationship with your partner, you date around a while, and eventually you begin a new relationship with a different man. After being together a year, you're on solid footing and you're even discussing the possibility of marriage and a family together.
Tell me this: what is your take on this hypothetical new guy?
Would you be pining for the man you're with now? Would you be holding up the new guy to a standard he'd never meet? Would you accept his love and devotion begrudgingly while thinking "UGH I guess I'll have to settle for this second-rate knock off! I wish I could be with the love of my life - the one it didn't work out with. Too bad I'm stuck with this dumb fuckface who loves me and wants to see it work."
Or do you believe you could genuinely love again even if you'd cared deeply for someone else before? Even if he wasn't the first guy you'd considered a family with, would you still be excited to see where things went with him? Would you be excited about hitting certain relationship milestones with him?
Now, this isn't to convince you to ditch your current partner and go seek out something else - although obviously that's your call. But I would like you to put yourself in your partner's shoes for a moment.
Other people here have described you as selfish, but I suspect you're just insecure as fuck. You're not concerned that this great guy doesn't measure up to your standards, you're worried that you don't measure up to his. I would suggest that before you chuck an otherwise good relationship, you ask yourself if this is really about his past or if it's more about yours. Is it possible that this situation is just stirring up anxieties that existed before he came along?
If so, the solution will probably involve some self work. You might try journaling, written CBT exercises, working on your confidence, or even seeking out the guidance of a therapist. The change you see from those courses of action are probably going to be a lot quicker and frankly cheaper than cutting ties with a great partner and throwing yourself back out on the dating market hoping to find a partner who doesn't trigger your anxieties in one way or another.
Interesting discussion, but this description of CBT is a bit misleading. CBT is quite different from simple "positive affirmations", and in fact goes to some lengths to distance itself from that kind of "Pollyanna" approach to changing thoughts and emotions.
A cognitive behavioral therapist would never ever tell a depressed person to "think happy thoughts", but instead would use the Socratic method to carefully examine depressive thoughts like "I'm no good" or "My life has no meaning".
The idea is that by carefully considering the evidence, both negative and positive, one can discover that many negative thoughts are quite unrealistic and that there is an enormous amount of evidence that the world is not as black and white as people often believe.
If anyone's interested in a basic intro to CBT, Feeling Good is a simple, very readable primer on the basics.
"Time to start Dread gaming all the leeches i've been hounding to meet up,"
No.
Dread game only works on women who have already invested something into you... they can't "dread" losing you if they're never had any investment in the first place.
Flip the situation to see how this is... So there's this landwhale friend of your sister who has wanted to fuck you for years. She's repellent, smelly with cigarette breath and fat roll sweat so you've kept your distance. She finally gets the nerve to come up and tell you she wants to be with you. What do you say?
"Oh Hell No!"
But what if she says,"If you don't fuck me right now I'm leaving and you'll never see me again!"
Does that change your answer? Dread didn't work.
Second, you're falling into the same scarcity mentality that's kept you back for so long... The "leeches" are dead to you. Starting now.
Any woman you've been orbiting, been friends with, done anything remotely creepy to... all are now OFF LIMITS to you. You will only concern yourself with new women.
Why? because the ones you know already have this image of what kind of guy you really are in their pretty little heads.(Rhymes with "feta more bitter") You can't change this image without a massive amount of work and time. Work and time you shouldn't be putting into trying to change the mind of some girl you wanted to fuck 2 years ago but she wasn't interested. Guess what, she's still not interested. Wasting your time.
Her loss. Go be awesome with someone who actually wants to fuck you at the initial meeting.
The Game is a bit dated now (published 2005), a lot of the techniques are well known even to women("neg" much?) so while it remains a tool, it really shouldn't be the only one in your toolbox.
Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Books man. The list I have to develop this is huge. But these three are a good start.
Develop Social Intelligence
Social Intelligence.
Be aware of your emotions.
Emotional Intelligence 2.0
Read other peoples emotions/thoughts.
What Every BODY is Saying
Branch out from there.
Restricting your hand movements is in general a "pacifying" behaviour. If pacifying behaviours increase in frequency, then she's likely nervous or uncomfortable. If she's positioning her arms so they cover up her abdomen, that's another strong pacifying behaviour.
Note that pacifying behaviours on their own means nothing. What matters is if they increase or decrease in frequency.
Source: What every body is saying? by Joe Navarro). I strongly recommend that book to get a no nonsense description of how to interpret various body language.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
This one is very good. Also very detailed.
No, you can divorce it.
He's being an asshole. That's it. Full stop.
A mechanism by which he is being an asshole is his sitting preferences. He knows he's causing a problem for other people, that's why he's doing it.
Other people sit that way for totally different reasons completely unrelated to being an asshole. Men, generally, sit with their legs wide when they're very comfortable or relaxed, and sometimes when they're aggressive. I recommend you check out "What every BODY is saying" if you want more analysis on seated preferences of men and how they use their feet to express emotion.
You forgot foot proximity and direction. The closer feet are between two people conversing show a great deal of comfort between the two. The direction that the feet are facing are also good indicators of if that person is interested in you or the conversation. For instance, if you are telling them about how awesome the duck billed platypus is and their feet are toward the door while their upper body is facing you that is a good indicator this person wants to leave. Leg crossing can be a sign of discomfort and is often associated with shielding. Shielding is when someone feels discomfort or nervous and essentially builds a barrier between them and the source of discomfort. Crossed arms, crossed legs, maybe putting a purse or drink between the source and themselves. If in mid conversation you mention your impressive video game collection and the girl in question, who has been leaning close to you all night, starts to lean back in her chair, crosses her legs and arms, and places her hand on her neck she might not be too impressed. Neck touching can also be a good indicator of nervousness and discomfort. Women often touch their suprasternal notch when nervous, it can be very casual maybe with the index and middle finger while their arms are crossed. Neck touching is a soothing gesture, it can lower heart rate and blood pressure.
The big thing about all of this is finding a baseline of body language actions people do. None of this is written in stone, some people might just touch their neck or cross their legs. If in a bar a girl might not feel comfortable with the crowd but are interested with you.
If you want a reference for all of this I got it from Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlin's "What Every Body is Saying". Joe Navarro worked for the FBI as an interrogator. Navarro was called "The Human Lie Detector. It wont directly teach you how to pick up girls, however it will teach you how to tell of someone doesn't feel comfy around you or with what you are saying. Another good thing to study is Paul Ekman's website on micro gestures in the face. It costs about $70 to subscribe, but you learn a lot.
Sources:
What Every Body is Saying on Amazon
Paul Ekman's website
This book is absolutely fascinating. Despite a title and cover that markets it as such, it isn't only about sex. It discusses how and why human sexuality, social structures and societies have changed over time, and explores what our natural social and sexual tendencies are (or may be). To this end, it explores a wide variety of human societies over the course of our existence, and compares us to are nearest genetic relatives--chimps and bonobos.
If anyone's interested, I can post some of the most revelatory ideas proposed in it so far. I'm not finished reading it yet.
This is a great book that addresses some of the questions you are asking. It’s totally opposite of what most of us have been taught, food for thought anyway. Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061707813/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_qg.6Cb69NTRX5
You act as if it comes so easily to people to resist their deepest urges. Expecting somebody to kill themselves if they can't is ridiculous also. Sex is what drives us. Some people get fucked over by their own lusts and desires. I'm not saying that I'm okay with children being molested. It's a tragic. But things aren't so cut and dry. You should read Sex At Dawn. It's pretty interesting and dips into the subject. Might make you uncomfortable but how can you learn if you don't step outside of your own world view anyway?
How much effort do you put in to helping other people figure out where they're going wrong? Have you seriously tried to help other people when they're fucking themselves over or otherwise making bad decisions or when they're doing something that you recognize as a social faux pas?
I doubt it, because I have -- and still do, when I absolutely cannot stand watching somebody make an ass of themselves -- and if you did you would recognize how few people actually want help. The vast majority of the time, a person's reaction to somebody trying to offer social skills that they are missing is defensiveness or attack.
I understand your frustration. I have had a lot of it myself -- "why didn't they just TELL ME I was sending the wrong message???" -- but I understand that:
You're expecting something from people, but you're not offering anything in return. Change your thinking -- instead of focusing on what you want from them, focus on what you have to offer. Learn about what makes people like each other and incorporate that into your behavior. I like the book How to Talk to Anyone -- you can look through it and find the tips that seem the easiest and then move up in difficulty from there. Practice for a while and really get each one down before you try another. There are all kinds of other books like that one and plenty of information online also. Google "how to talk to people", "how not to creep people out", "how to make people like you", "body language", "eye contact", stuff like that. There's a metric fuck-ton of information available.
You’ve already done a service by explaining to him some reasons behind the break-up. At this point it’s more important to take care of yourself.
You should seek professional help for the self harm, but also checkout the book, “feeling good” the new mood therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. Amazon has a feel sample
Also heres an episode of the Multiamory podcast directly related to break-up that I’ve found very helpful myself.
70 - Polyamorous Breakups
No problem, my guy! Okay so book-wise. The two main recommendations are dependent on what it is you're going through, so choose your own adventure I guess...
So for a broad take on what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which is what I'm describing above) is with perhaps somewhat more of a focus on depression than anything else I'd go with this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
However if you want something from the same author that specialises more specifically in CBT for Anxiety it's this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Panic-Attacks-drug-free-therapy/dp/0091929601
I personally read 2/3 the way through the first one wandering when it was going to go more into Anxiety until I found the second one and just went through all of that myself. But as I've mentioned, the first one introduces you to the concept of CBT overall better. But both books have a handful of techniques that help you untangle certain thought illusions (or 'Cognitive Distortions' as they are officially titled) which cause Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Anger, etc.
As for other recommendations; Maybe my second favourite book is 10% Happier by Dan Harris, which is quite a popular one you may have heard of. Basically about an NBC reporter's journey through the world of meditation, which is also a really worthwhile subject to anyone interested in the upkeep of their own mental health or indeed the mental health of others.
Then I guess the book I've gifted the most and my personal favourite is Anxiety As An Ally by Dan Ryckert which is an account of a game journalist's experience with Anxiety growing up. Honestly the easiest book I've ever read. It's just so unpretentious and candid, genuinely funny at points too. I've found it's been a really nice way to get family members to understand what Anxiety or even mental health in general is. A very encouraging and vindicating read for anyone who has dealt with it.
Also, you were smart enough to get into the program, and that's the bottom line. Good enough gets the same degree as everybody better.
I was advised to read Feeling Good by a friend who felt the same way, and the activities in there helped me tremendously.
Book 1
Book 2
Book 3
You remember the annoying old saying old folks use "If you set your mind to something, you can do it?"
You're proving it, and making your life better (and yourself safer)>
If you aren't currently taking any supplements, a multivitamin and 200Iu of vitamin D daily are a good idea. The multi for obvious reasons, the D helps fight depression and makes many of the other vitamins more effective.
Keep up the good work. And for those rough patches, I recommend having this book.
It may be at your local library. You don't need it now, you are in a good, positive place. But for when it seems to be raining every day, and nothing's going quite right, it can be a huge help. It was for me.
Stop focusing and thinking about the negatives. Think about the positives. Everytime you catch yourself thinking about a reason you can't be successful, think of two reasons you CAN be successful, which can even be as simple as you are motivated to succeed.
The only thing holding you back with girls that is that you THINK you have problems, not anything you actually mention. No money, think your ugy, lanky? That is all bullshit man, if you were comfortable with yourself the girls will not care.
Approach more, and just fucking ask "Hey, are you single?" in the first 5 minutes. Nothing wrong with this especially if its going to be in the back of your mind.
Nature doesn't select against beauty man, it filters against signs that you are fit to mate. Pre-selection, leader of men, protector of loved ones, etc. etc. You present the best you and you will be rolling in women.
I can tell you right now, with basically 100% certainty that it is all of your negative self-thoughts that are killing you with women. You have all this crap in the back of your head "She has a bf, I've never kissed a girl, I'm too ugly, she is going to reject me, this will never work" and it comes out in the conversation and body language.
I would highly suggest you start meditating and get your head straight, try to find some peace with who you are as a person.
In the mean time, I'd suggest you follow some of the more strict material methods, get yourself some good personal DHV stories and bring up the topic of sex at some point, you need to be viewed as a sexual person not just some random fun guy.
Report back after starting a regular meditation practice and asking "Are you single"(after opening) for 10 approaches.
Edit: I highly suggest the book "Feeling Good". I think it could help you get ahold of the negative self-views.
I'm introverted and used to be very awkward and shy. At around 17 I noticed it was an area I needed to improve so I started to look around. These are some of the stuff that has helped me change from Shy to energetic (being introverted never changes though but, I love it). Wanting to change is the most important part of it all, you can have all the resources in the world and just not make it because you don't really want it. now, off to the books:
***
Some subs:
Avoid what is hurting your growth. Basically, anything you abuse (keyword there) from video games to alcohol to masturbation (you'll know what it is). A good way to get rid of bad habits is to start filling your time with positive ones until the good overcomes the bad. Find a hobby that will get you socializing (almost all will). Some examples: sports (martial arts as stated before, any sport really), art (music, drama, painting lessons), if you're in school or college there's definitely clubs out there. Donating your time and effort to a good cause. Voluntary work always gives a great sense of worth and happiness.
Just remember, you've described things that you currently are (shy, insecure, awkward) all of these will change only if YOU want to. Most of them are overcomed by comming out of your comfort zone (its simple, not easy). Your comfort zone is probably very small, all you gotta do is widen it. You gotta have to want to change and improve more than you want to stay the way you are. Nobody is the same person as they were yesterday so make sure that the person you'll be tomorrow is better than who you are today. Good Luck.
Just a few things that come to mind:
Self-Awareness> There are a lot of ways to work on this and most of them are worth trying. An effective goal might be to find some things that work for awhile, and prepare yourself to seek out other options when those don’t offer the same effectiveness. I’m pretty sure that when we dedicate the time to it, we provide ourselves with information that empowers us to make the decisions that bring about our idea of success.
Expectations> Most of us don’t want to fail. A lot of us feel like if we don’t meet the expectations that we’ve set for ourselves then we’re failures. This often causes some of us to avoid things that we feel we won’t “succeed” at. Hey, I’m not saying we shouldn’t set high goals for ourselves... but when we don't meet our expectations, maybe we could slowly get better at treating ourselves with the kind of love and encouragement that we would extend to our most loved of loved ones when they "fail."
Exercise> God damn it I hate exercise. I wore a button in fifth grade that said: I’m too out of shape to exercise. I’m thirty-nine now and I’ve still never had a consistent workout regimen. For a lot of us, this shit is probably harder than everything else we’ll consider in this thread. But there’s plenty of evidence to show that when the rest of our body is functioning at a more optimal level that we have more tools to work with, and that our tools are more effective. I hate exercise.
Group Discussion> Last year I attended an intensive outpatient group therapy program. This was my first experience with group therapy and I freaking love that shit. I learned that the gems to mine from this experience have very little to do with whoever is leading the group or which organization is providing the facility... as long as you feel like everyone is given the opportunity to share without reproach. Empathy is what it’s all about. The more courageous you are about sharing your struggles, the more empowered your fellow group members will be to do the same. When empathy is flowing freely most people are able to recognize some of their own cognitive distortions, AND help others find their own. Not every group is going to function well, but I think it’s well worth the effort to find on that does. You might start with looking into a DBSA group near you. My advice would be to look for one with 10-15 attendees. If you've got insurance that will cover it, you might check into an Intensive Outpatient Group Therapy program offered by a local hospital.
Books> These are just a few that have offered me some help—and a few that I just acquired but haven’t read yet.
Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength
Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain
Tribe of Mentors: Short Life Advice from the Best in the World
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Also, this is me patting you on the back lovingly and then turning it into a hug:
Did you feel it?
Disclaimer: I’m currently doing pretty poorly at all of these things.
There's such a stigma around introverts, and it's really unfortunate, because *there is nothing wrong with you*. If you're happy, you do you. If your partner makes you feel really guilty about it, sit down and have a real conversation with him/her about how you feel and how introverts like yourself "work" and feel happiest.
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Would highly suggest reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153. I think it might help you feel a little more empowered and confident in being an introvert.
This book is a good read. I highly recommend it.
Welcome to the club, also this book is awesome :
Quiet by Susan Cain http://amzn.com/0307352153
Olen ise sama asja kogenud ja sinust paar aastat vanem. Isiklikust kogemusest:
Here is a video that was helpful to me when I first discovered the unhelpful thinking styles that you are talking about (they are called "cognitive distortions" and are a foundation upon which CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) is built upon). There is an exercise in it the video I did (with pen and paper) that helped me start to deal with my own poor thinking habits and get better at rectifying them.
I own the book Feeling Good which also has some Do-it-yourself CBT exercises in it that I've done.
I'm not an expert and to be honest I should probably do some more of this stuff myself, I've gotten a bit lazy about it but I do remember it being incredibly eye-opening! Even now I can catch myself getting into to those thought patterns and recognize the cognitive distortion in play and help prevent myself from going further down that train of thought and try re-orient my thinking back to reality.
I'm happy to share this with you, hope it's helpful :)
Feeling Good by David Burns it's great for anyone, depressed or not
Hoo boy, I've been in a similar situation. In fact I'm just sort of pulling myself out of a similar situation. So much of what you wrote resonated with me.
Here's the deal. I'm obviously not a therapist or anything, but I've seen a few, and I've found some things that have helped me, and I'll try to share them with you.
First of all, you need to stop thinking of this as something you're doing to your boyfriend. Depression and anxiety are mental health disorders. Think of it like a chronic illness or allergy. The goal should be to figure out strategies to let you live your life as comfortably/normally as possible, just like treating a chronic illness. Right now, your goal is to get through your last exam and finish your thesis (that was my big issue too!). So there absolutely are "treatments" for depression and anxiety, and they aren't all medication-based.
The thing that I've found most helpful is something called cognitive behavioral therapy. It's basically an attempt to train yourself to control the thoughts that make you upset and anxious, and to find strategies to help you through situations that trigger your depression and anxiety. This might be something you could ask your therapist to help you with, or you can try it yourself! Here are some resources that you might find helpful:
A book I've read that is full of concrete techniques to help yourself during times of emotional stress (like right now, when you have to worry about a thesis and an exam and a distant boyfriend!) is called Feeling Good. It's quite a popular book so you might be able to get a cheap used copy or find it for free online.
I just found this site which has a whole section of self help techniques for dealing with anxiety specifically is called AnxietyBC. I haven't tried any of the suggested techniques myself, but they seem to have lots of suggestions and further resources.
Finally, if you have a smart phone with app capability, you can try SAM. It was developed by a team of psychologists, students, and computer scientists. I use this app myself, and find it quite helpful in situations where I'm feeling particularly anxious or upset.
Again, look at this as a health issue that you need to find ways to treat effectively. There are lots of concrete techniques you can find online or in books, and your therapist may know a few as well. You may have to try a number of them to figure out what works for you. If you're persistent, you could get to the point where you are in control of your depression and anxiety almost 100% of the time!
As a side note, I've dealt with boyfriends who just don't understand depression and anxiety. I've tried giving them reading material I've found online or just talking to them about what depression is. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Depression is a confusing thing for people who don't have the disorder. I think the most important thing is that your boyfriend acknowledges that this is a health issue that is not your fault. Maybe that's as far as he gets in understanding. That could work for you two. You can develop a tool kit of techniques and things that make you feel better when you're dealing with a bout of depression or anxiety, and then you won't need to rely on him for support he doesn't know how to give.
Hope this helps....you can get through this, ok?
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns would work well as a starting point. It doesn't take extensive preparation or much special knowledge to start work on CBT, but it does require you to commit to doing the exercises. The book isn't a replacement for a mental healthcare professional. Aside from it being just generally helpful to have someone talk you through the exercises, a professional can help you with issues that may be keeping you from doing the work in the first place.
Have you ever looked into cognitive behavioral therapy? It helps change the tone of your negative inner narrative but it does take some work on your part. I'm not 100% better, but it helps.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_oAdAwbYB9BHWR
I liked this one on body language and this one on persuasion.
These 2 books are recommended, I know of no movies so my apologies:
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1341904950&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Body+language
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1341904950&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=Body+language
If you cannot afford them, feel free to PM me and I'll message you the PDF dl links. : )
Chronic bitch face isn't easy to get over but I've found that smiling with your eyes and making eye contact can do wonders. Also, this book has helped me a lot in appearing more confident and, as a result, more friendly and open.
I guess I just don't give a flying fuck anymore about what pop culture says about men and women? It's such a poisoned well of nonsense that I can't begin to fathom why anyone would waste their time trying to extract any kind of personal validation, identity, soul, or meaning from it. Or why they would regard it as any kind of real authority on how to live your life and be a super awesome human being.
What I mean is you say your tired of hearing about everything women do as being described as empowering? Then stop listening. Turn off the radio, movies, and the television and pick up a good book and while your at it try autoerotic asphyxiation or a flashlight or lube or whatever while you masturbate. And know that it was your choice and your right to do it and no one can take that away from you no matter how much spittle flies from their maw when they call you a faggot. Rock'n'roll baby. Also if you do decide to pick up a book, check out Sex At Dawn. I kinda wanna punch your shoulder and give you a strong hug. :-)
I've read your replies and it's comforting to know that there are other people that think the same way I do.
I'm not sure how much this ties in, but I remember listening the to the author of this book
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1321827569&amp;sr=8-1
on the radio
(the radio program in question)
http://www.kqed.org/a/forum/R201111091000
and it really made me appreciate the fact that the way we now treat relationships as monogamous on/off switches is really a social construct and that we should really be doing what feel comfortable.
I don't wanna do a game of telephone and try to re-say everything he said, b/c I'd probably butcher it.. but I recommend you listen to the radio program. I think you'd like it. (and I'd be interesting in knowing what you think).
You should check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813
It's important to remember that human beings are ANIMALS - we have natural feelings that are part of our evolutionary biology. The moral dogma of religion is not realistic or even compatible with the natural way humans are wired.
Sex at Dawn is a book that makes the argument that no, humans are not naturally monogamous. I wasn't entirely convinced, but the book has a lot of interesting information about sex, evolutionary history, monkeys etc. Worth the read.
Forcing yourself into anxiety-causing situations can actually strengthen the disorder. You can't heal a broken hand by whacking it with a hammer. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is needed to change the way your brain approaches social situations. If a therapist tells you to "face your fears" then he doesn't truly understand the problem and you should find another therapist.
I used the audio series from the Social Anxiety Institute and it really opened my eyes about my behavior and ways of thinking. Poke around their websites (socialphobia, sai). It's a good place to start.
Also: There are lots of books out there on how to prepare for/act in social situations. I've read many of them and the one I highly recommend is How to Talk to Anyone. It's a simple layout, a fun read, and it's full of good tips and tricks.
I recommend reading "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." It made me realize that being an introvert and being a leader aren't mutually exclusive traits. https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=L&amp;ai=DChcSEwjJqZavoqDkAhUSwmQKHd5MA8MYABABGgJwag&amp;ae=1&amp;sig=AOD64_2q7IRRbFKtJCpgKaBDinfWb5ohyQ&amp;ctype=5&amp;q=&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiZzo6voqDkAhXHrZ4KHeVEDKkQwg8IPA&amp;adurl=https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153/ref%3Dasc_df_0307352153/%3Ftag%3Dhyprod-20%26linkCode%3Ddf0%26hvadid%3D312021251979%26hvpos%3D1o1%26hvnetw%3Dg%26hvrand%3D2344768118449509263%26hvpone%3D%26hvptwo%3D%26hvqmt%3D%26hvdev%3Dm%26hvdvcmdl%3D%26hvlocint%3D%26hvlocphy%3D9033317%26hvtargid%3Dpla-432395948286%26psc%3D1
Disclaimer: I'm still on the journey but making small steps into the right direction and slowly start to see successes, i.e. mainly gains from the gym (4 kg up in 4 months, I'm underweight) and I get first dates (with my first second date about to happen soon :D) and slowly become less anxious.
Cutting out gaming alone won't do the trick, if you want to procrastinate you will find a way. Even if it is cleaning your apartment or room or whatever.
What I think I'm qualified to give advice on though is physical fitness:
Here is what I did: I've always been skinny and hated any kind of physical exertion and obviously dreaded PE class in school. Additionally I was bullied mostly by athletic guys which made me hate sports even more. And of course I didn't want to think about my body because of my weak body image.
At some point in school I just couldn't handle the mental pressure anymore. And became sort of addicted to exercise. Initially I had to force myself. Here's how I started:
I began by establishing a running routine: 3 km every 2 days. It was terrible. Headaches, joint pains, etc. But after about 2-3 months I began to notice improvements with my endurance. And eventually the headaches began to vanish completely and running became a joy. Then I got into weight training. I soon managed to build some muscle and my strength and happiness improved. I then moved away for university for an excessively difficult degree thus had to drop my exercise routine.
Long story short: I couldn't stand the pressure, dropped out, hit rock bottom, Got into a different university again last year and found out that I have to resolve my issues if I want to amount to anything in life.
In late January this year I became so incredibly frustrated that I just got back into the gym. Always pumping iron while blasting some quality music by Hatebreed. I now have gains again and am less angry, which really ups my motivation.
In March I also began to take a painfully close look at the roots of my personality. From what I can tell you are a Nice Guy. Mind the capital letters.
What I would recommend:
watch this: a word on bullying
This. Yes, this guy needs a lot of work on his inner and outer man. I’d like to piggyback on your comment with my advice as well.
Good luck, brother. I’m sure there is more advice, but I’m short on time. Anything else anyone would like to add?
No More Mr Nice Guy
It really helped me turn my life around and get more confidence, real confidence because it help me be okay with people not liking me.
The one thing that I want to touch on, this isn't a wholly original view, but I just want to give my experience.
There are things in life which we need to do, such as sleep. If we don't sleep, we become overworked and stressed causing our productivity to fall exponentially. The more work we put in, the less productive that work gets. Needing a work life balance is real. Unfortunately, it's something which most companies fail to grasp. The idea of time being proportional with productivity is so ingrained within our society that even when there are numerous studies and books which demonstrate that a happy worker is a productive worker companies are slow on the draw. If this were a high noon shootout, companies would have been dead before even firing the first round. That's how sluggish they are.
Now, some companies have begun to catch on and have been trying to use mindfulness to forcefully up the productivity of their workers with little success in some places. They don't understand that to make their workers happy, they need to give them good working conditions.
So, you can see how parenthood draws into this. Being a parent can be a fulfilling experience, at the very least it gives people purpose which helps them to become more productive. By making that job harder, those who want to have children pay a higher price to have them. That's just assuming that both genders get the same leave though, this isn't true of all places. In America, this is a bit of a gendered issue because men don't get nearly as much parental leave as women do, this is highly damaging to society for multiple reasons;
If the board of a company considers recent studies and gender dynamics they'll see that the system that is currently in place is not only unsustainable, it hurts their profits. They don't tap into the productivity that women have to give; men get depressed and lose productivity due to isolation and being rather overworked. It's counterproductive if not poison for society as a whole. The majority of the world understands this, America has having a really hard time keeping up for some reason.
You'd think that businesses would be better at maximising profits. You might say "pah, you idealist. You don't know how the real world works" Indeed, some companies like google get it more right. Need I remind you that they're one of the biggest companies in the world? So big that it's actually a problem because they can easily shut down their competition by forcing them out of the market or by assimilating them? They also implement mindfulness, but they do it so make the lives of their employees better and not just so that they create a more productive employee which ends up happening in the process.
So as you can see, Trump is so wrong. There's a tremendous business opportunity here, but he's too ignorant to capitalise on it. You'd think a big-shot millionaire would get it right. If he was so smart he'd make all of that money if it was taken away from him. Wrong. He's so dumb that a sack of fucking oranges has a better chance at a rags to riches story than he does.
It's the number one rule of good business thinking: don't see an inconvinence, see an opportunity. If you don't understand that then you're not fit for profit.
I highly recommend reading the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s extremely useful to all relationships with loved ones whether they are partners, children, siblings, friends, etc.
Here’s the Amazon link:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
And, no, I’m not affiliated with the author or
publisher in any way; I’ve just found the book very helpful.
Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?
It sounds like you really want to connect with your girlfriend on a deeper level and understand what makes her tick. There are some underlying commonalities with all INFJs, but I'm also reluctant to generalize a specific person. "The Five Love Languages" is a wonderful, quick read that allows you to develop a relationship that is based on a mutual understanding of what makes the both of you feel appreciated and loved.
Sounds cheesy, right? I thought so, too, but I think the benefits outweigh the cheese.
"You gotta be more sensitive" is a request for cognizance more than anything, a reminder of selfless thoughtfulness. Even if you don't fully understand where she's coming from, sit down with her and say, "Sweetie, I've been putting a lot of thought into us being apart, and I want to make this as easy on you as possible. What can I do to help? Would you like me to set up time to spend together? How about Skype? Why don't we plan out a few visits? What would you prefer?"
This initiative will be greatly appreciated. As an INFJ, I'm usually the one who is preemptive of others' needs. I'm always grateful when people make the effort. It doesn't matter exactly what they say -- oftentimes, it's the thought that counts.
You are sooooo wrong. This might never be seen or get buried but I STRONGLY recommend you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman with an open mind. You are doing irreparable damage to your husband, your marriage and your family that will extend further than you can imagine!
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1427581548&amp;sr=8-1-spell&amp;keywords=Love+langYates
There is so much more that I would like to say but much if not more has already been said. I just hope beyond hope for your sake and the sake of your family and husband that you reconsider your stance and empathize and sympathize as much as possible with your husbands point of view. Don't be selfish, be open. Out of love and respect for your husband it's the least you can do.
Read the book and if necessary see a therapist together. Who knows, maybe they will agree with you and maybe they won't but if not then consider for a moment at least that you just might be wrong.
I think it depends on what your partners love languages are. Feed each one of your partners what they need to feel loved, and they will feel fulfilled and special.
I made a point to write down just general compliments I've gotten over the years. People are reserved about their compliments in general and it helps to have them all laid out to remind yourself "Oh yeah. I am loved!"
Having more than one girlfriend tell me I was the best boyfriend they ever had is probably something I'd forget, and certainly needed to hear as a younger man. Because I live in a very Type A city where i thought I must be an undateable loser because Im not an alpha earner. Typical INFP thinking - hard on ourselves and blind to our strengths. It never even occurred to me that I had something to offer others couldn't. Also learning to date women that complimented my personality more so than just my idiotic libido. Like projecting idyllic girlfriend material onto some girl just because she had nice eyes and a dope donk.
Anywho - Start a compliment list. Because not everyone says "I love you" with words - there's 5 languages of love, not 1.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X
Mine's wordless and touch. I don't need to hear "I love you" as much as I need to physically feel it. A touch of the hand without a word said. An intimate look from across the room - make my INFP ass feel understood. Had a girlfriend make my road rage magically disappear simply by touching the back of my neck and stroking my hair.
Blowjobs help too.
> I don't even know where to continue.
I think I can give you a few places to start. First off, what your mom was doing to you is sometimes called "emotional incest". I've found in my personal experience that having a name for my parents' dysfunctional behavior helps me to realize that I'm not the crazy one, it helps me to find resources, and it helps me to heal. If you Google "emotional incest" as your search term, you'll find a lot to look at. There are also a few books out there about the topic, but I haven't gotten around to reading them yet and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving recommendations for something I haven't read myself.
Unfortunately, most of the writing I've found on it assumes that it's an opposite sex parent/child, but I think that my mother also forced emotionally incestuous relationships on children of different genders. You're not alone. She used me (female) as her main emotional support for years, but not to the same extent as your mom. Then when I up and left, she switched to targeting my brother. It's tough to talk about and I can understand why you'd feel extra crazy because of it, but you're not. I think that my mother's demented emotional usage of me in addition to other factors harmed my ability to connect to other women for a while.
> She constantly called me a lesbian because during these years, I didn't date or have a boyfriend. I want to vomit thinking about this now, because it makes me think she considered her behavior towards me romantic.
You might also want to use the search term "covert incest"- you'll find info that way too. I think your mother was ashamed of her behavior and was projecting her shame onto you.
The website I linked to above, http://outofthefog.website/ is a very useful resource for learning more about dysfunctional family behaviors. A commenter elsewhere in this thread recommended Adult Children of Alcoholics, and in addition to a local chapter, you should follow their subreddit. It's over at /r/AdultChildren.
If you want a good book recommendation, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward talks about emotionally abusive parents, and she devotes a whole chapter specifically to the struggles of children with alcoholic parents. It is an old enough and popular enough book that you should be able to find it in local library, from a used bookstore, or off a site like thrift books to save you some money. It's a great book to read at the beginning of your healing journey.
The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd ed by Jasmin Lee Cori is worth looking for. It is broken into little chunks that make it easier to work through the book without getting emotionally exhausted. It is also packed with journal exercises that you can work on at your own pace. It talks about good mothers, neglectful mothers, and abusive mothers. It compares them, and it offers help for us to mother ourselves, to move forward, and to heal. A lot of books about abusive parents focus a lot on the parent. This book focuses more on us and the path forwards towards healing.
And finally, for a very unusual book recommendation- It's Never Too Late for a Happy Childhood by Claudia Black, the founder of ACOA. It's a picture book. The first time I read it, I cried, because it's full of affirmations for someone who was abused as a child. I have a hard time doing self-affirmations. I feel silly and have trouble finding words to tell myself that I'm a worthwhile human being. This book does it for you- just sit with it, read it slowly, and try to internalize all it has to say. It helps, and it's worth obtaining a copy to own and keep on your shelf for rough days.
I hope that wasn't too much of an info dump, but you mentioned getting a degree in psychology and you seem like a very self-aware and introspective person who would be interested in that. I just wanted to also thank you- you're the first woman I've heard from who was also tangled up in an emotionally incestuous situation with her mother. We deserved better.
Also see Robert A. Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
While it's easy for most to say that the relationship is over, and that she doesn't treat you well, etc, etc, I'm going to take a different approach.
You seem to put the blame on her a lot, which makes sense because all the problems appear to be stemming from her. However, many times one partner can become somewhat dysfunctional because they are actually responding to things that the other partner is doing, whether they know it or not (ie, you're doing something that's causing her to act the way she does). I know it seems weird, but it's more common than you think.
I highly recommend picking up this book. You might find it to be quite insightful, and you might be surprised to find that you may be the cause of your relationship problems and not her (not entirely at least). I know that it helped me figure out a lot of problems I had been causing in my last relationship (including a lack of sex). Unfortunately, that relationship was long gone by the time I figured out that I wasn't as good a boyfriend as I thought. Good luck.
"I can see validity in his points concerning how men in my generation are by and large more socially awkward and less forward..."
There is definite truth to this statement and if you would like some elucidation as to why that is, might I suggest you check out No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover? It's a good, enlightening read into the mentality of the quiet, sensitive, "nice guy".
Amazon link to the book: LINK
And if you don't feel like ordering it, there are two options if you know how to use Bittorrent.
Book in PDF Format
Audiobook
And one direct download of the book in PDF format.
PDF Direct Download
I've downloaded all of these and there are no viruses or malware attached to them. They're safe.
EDIT:
After watching the video you posted, I'd like to say a few things about his "sermon". It was absolutely terrible and I think he's making it even worse for the single guys in the long run, as this sort of talk is apt to have the opposite effect that's intended. Shy and sensitive guys tend to recoil from being told to man-up, stop being a milquetoast, etc. He's belittling and shaming them, calling them eunuchs and losers, and also perpetuating the idea that the initiation of the relationship is entirely on the guy, which puts even more pressure on them, especially since they're apprehensive about relationship initiation to begin with. His words are those of a bully (a passionate bully, but a bully nonetheless), not of someone who understands and sympathizes with his target audience. He's also shaming them for not finding a wife. Maybe they don't want to get married or whatever; it's not paramount that everyone marries.
Instead, I think he should have gone into how one should learn to appreciate and love, or at least like themselves before trying to find someone to be with, without being selfish or arrogant about it. The thing these "losers" need to develop is self confidence, assertiveness, and a sense of self-worth. That's where inner strength comes from. Abrasive speech won't accomplish that.
Most women don't like pansies, that is true, yet the church environment is just the kind of fertile environment to foster these kind of guys. It teaches them to credit an outside entity for their success instead of letting them feel accomplished for their achievements they did on their own. It also gets them to blind themselves to problems they may have that they can fix by conceding that something "wasn't meant to be". Or, it gets them to think there's something wrong with them when there isn't because they're trying to stick to the "word" or the "rules" or whatever. It's sickening to me how consciously and subconsciously manipulative it all is.
Now, the one thing I do agree on in his message is about asking her in person if possible, and not going to a movie for the first few dates, but that's about it.
I say all this because I'm what one would consider a "nice guy" and have a lot of self-esteem and confidence issues when it comes to initiating relationships. I'm only in my mid 20s, but I haven't been on a date in over a decade, just to give you an idea. So that's my impression of what he has to say from my point of view.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Please read this book: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Please. It's far more helpful than any short reddit comment.
Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:
Link: http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
|Country|Link|
|:-----------|:------------|
|UK|amazon.co.uk|
|Spain|amazon.es|
|France|amazon.fr|
|Germany|amazon.de|
|Japan|amazon.co.jp|
|Canada|amazon.ca|
|Italy|amazon.it|
|China|amazon.cn|
This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting).
I read this book recently and it helped a lot. Do something greate in life. Go for the hot girl, or for the promotion, or the raise.... or ask out that tirl you'v always wanted to. It will work one time, guaranted, and when it dose, you'lll never forget that feeling. And you will own it and know that you cna do anythiung.
edit: I was hammered drunk when I wrote this. Please excuse the many spelling/grammatical errors.
May I suggest a book?
This is an especially valid point when you consider that sociopaths are much more likely than the average person to end up dead as the result of drug or crime related activity, to contract HIV, to end up in prison, to end up incapacitated by other mental illnesses (hypochondria is a common one), and on and on. The majority of them are either dead or "burned out" (suffering greatly from one of the aforementioned consequences) by the time they reach their early 50s. (All info from The Sociopath Next Door, chapter 10.)
So, basically, these terpy terps are willing to literally risk their very lives in order to try to get some pussy.
Good job, idiots.
Many reasons.
1 - 4% of the population are sociopaths. Some babies are born without legs or arms. Some are born without the capacity to feel empathy for others. Check out this book for more information.
Some people have done the calculation. There are two ways to acquire resources: Work or plunder. Work is hard, and hard to find. Plunder is comparatively easier in the short run, though it leads to problems in the long run. People who want an easy way out and do not tend to think of the long term impacts, or who feel they have no other options, may opt to plunder.
Lastly, people can be socialized to steal and or rob by people around them. Certain communities and cultures promote theft and other crime for a variety of reasons and with a variety of justifications. Gang culture, for example, and some groups within Romani culture. I once witnessed my own sister, for example, teaching her children to shoplift.
While your end goal might be cartoons, you will HAVE to learn to draw realistically to some extent. No way would you be able to animate anything in perspective otherwise, understand lighting, or know how to composite complex scenes. There are fundamentals that you must understand that are key to 2D animation, regardless of art style, which should be continuously worked on alongside your stylistic development.
Books:
Simple book on perspective
My favorite anatomy book
A pretty simple book on light (More pictures/examples than in-depth detail)
Overall beginners drawing book
This covers light/shadow and materials decently for beginners
I personally think you should focus on fundamentals alone until you have a decent grasp before looking at animation. But if you want to learn concurrently, this book is pretty well-known in the industry: LINK
There's tons more, but I already think this might be too much to take in all at once. Discover for yourself the rest, it's not good to have everything handed to you with fundamentals, gotta reign it in personally.
This is my two cents. Take with a grain of salt. I am not a professional anything.
> If your family member is/becomes an alcoholic or addicted to drugs, do you just leave them be?
If that person is doing harm, HELL YES. Speaking as an addict in recovery, NO ONE CAN FIX AN ADDICT. It is completely down to the sick person to face the consequences of their actions and seek recovery if they choose. If you want to learn about detaching with love, seek out Codependent No More.
As for NPD in particular, empathy can't be learned. A person without empathy can learn pro-social behavior, but s/he will never be motivated by empathy. Unfortunately, his/her narcissism is rewarding his/her perfectly. S/he has no real motivation to change.
But that is all beside the point.
NO MATTER WHAT, if a person has children, HIS/HER RESPONSIBILITY IS TO THOSE CHILDREN.
No one owes an N a year or two. No one owes an N him even an hour.
The pro-social behavior an N shows at the beginning of a relationship is bait. The N seems perfect because s/he is performing a role. Afterward s/he slowly begins to test how much harmful behavior his/her partner will tolerate. The N will only do more harm. The N will never return to his/her former "perfect" self.
In this way, someone who pursues a toxic relationship hoping to recapture the bliss of the first high is very like an addict.
That's all I know.
I hope you find what you're looking for, and I hope you find abundant peace and joy.
EDIT: Fixed link
Relax a bit. Stop worrying and start talking.
Yes, this sort of relationship (called a "triad") can work out in the long-term. One thing that folks seem to forget is that it's not just a three-way relationship: there are actually four relationships going on here.
And you have to think about all three of those. The most important question is do you actually want this?
I'm at work so I don't have much time at the moment, but I HIGHLY recommend that you all read Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. It's a great resource for newly open relationships.
Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.
Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.
Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.
I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!
I began identifying as being poly when I realized that, when I try it, monogamy simply does not work for me, and ... strangely, the relationships that do work for me, are with other people who are interested in a poly or poly like relationship dynamic. This doesn't mean when I meet people I think are cute I ask them about being poly and that effects whether or not I want to date them, it just happens to be that I meet people who are I think are cute and we start dating and then they talk to me about being poly. I guess I just have good polydar?
To me, being poly is really fucking hard, but being monogamous is even harder.
When I was in highschool, I had a huge crush on a girl, who had a crush on me. Then I met a boy, who I developed a huge crush on, who also had a crush on me, and also had a crush on the girl I had a crush on. The solution seemed so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how no one else could see it. Nothing came of this because I was a big wuss in high school.
This girl sounds like kind of a jerk, but I think you know that, You should read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.
Some types of polyamory don't work for some people. For example, I loath being a part of a hierarchy, no matter where I am on the totem pole - but it makes sense when one couple has children together or life goals. I would never get involved in that at this point in my life. In my past relationship, I felt secure knowing my partner loved me in a completely different way than her other partner, I valued the type of love she had for me more than the type of love she had for her other partner, but I didn't need or want her to rate it.
Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.
Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.
In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.
If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.
Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1310242671&amp;sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.
http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1310242969&amp;sr=8-1
Great little book.
http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1310242671&amp;sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1310242671&amp;sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.
http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1310242671&amp;sr=8-16
Decent
The Ethical Slut is helpful, but if you'd like to open an existing relationship, Opening Up is much more helpful, in my opinion.
Not to sound like an advertisement, but, I just started reading this book called Attached... Might help you deal with some of your relationship issues as well.. Find it very interesting, got it from the library -
https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139
You two don't sound very compatible. It sounds like her attachment style is anxious, while yours is avoidant - a sure recipe for angst on both sides.
I'm seeing a weird pattern here
> We weren't initially super attracted to one another at first
But then you wanted sex for ... I'm thinking possession? Don't want anyone else to have him? Lock him down for some reason? Wanted him to like you? He's good on paper? He's safe and protective? He's safe to experiment your autonomy and control with? What exactly were the feelings around that moment?
And then again later after he'd been with someone else.
You don't find him attractive on his own merits, so something unhealthy is kicking in, such as mate guarding, to make you "want" him. But you don't "desire" him, or desire sex for yourself, or desire sex as a mutually pleasurable, bonding/connecting/intimate experience.
Have you read Attached
> Please help me find my sex drive again!
It'll be with someone you find sexually attractive, ouch :(
You should read the book Attached. I don't recommend the Kindle edition, it has parts it expects you to write in the book.
There is a book I really like, called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment Theory. You might like it, your comments about your reaction to potential partners reminded me a lot of some of the stuff it talks about.
May I suggest some reading? Most of the "advice" you'll get here will try to talk you out of it.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
World’s ending, might as well enjoy it
For anyone interested in this topic I highly recommend reading the book The Ethical Slut. The title may scare you away but the content is necessary to be able to pull off such a lifestyle. Any sort of polyamorous life requires a high level of understanding and openness. This book helps one realize that wanting polyamory is far easier than living with polyamory.
You are a Nice Guy. You are emotionally needy and you try to fulfill your needs by doing things for others, expecting tit for tat, having them give you attention because you did something for them. Life does not work that way and you will continue to experience frustration until you start doing things for yourself and gain confidence.
http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24/
And people are on OKCupid looking for dates. I have no idea if you're doing this to find dates or if you're just messaging people for the hell of it, but most people want to learn something about the person they're talking to when they exchange messages. What would I learn about you if you recommended a book or band to me? Pretty much nothing. It's not a good way to have a conversation.
I'd recommend this article - you might not relate to all of it, but it still contains lots of great tips and perspectives: Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture.
'Models' by Mark Manson is a great book with general dating tips for men interested in women. You might also want to get some help getting high quality photos taken for your online dating profiles, and get a few people to give you honest, constructive feedback so it's as appealing as possible.
It sounds like you're in a tough position because there are a lot of women in open/poly relationships whose husbands or boyfriends enforce OPPs (one penis policies) whether overtly or covertly. And a lot of couples open up because the wife is bisexual and specifically wants to date women rather than men.
Not to mention, like others have said, few women will want to be a permanent secondary. Women typically get lots of men (poly and mono) seeking relatively low-commitment relationships with them, so you need to ask yourself what do you have to offer that stands out from the crowd?
You should start browsing r/seduction. It’s a sub fully dedicated to “picking up” women and basically getting dates and finding a girlfriend.
I’ll summarize what the sub will most likely tell you if you chose to ask the same question over there.
Your weight, your athleticism, your age, that doesn’t matter man, you know why? How many men approach women? 5-10% ?
You are going to be in that 5-10%. You are going to be in that small group of confident outgoing men where looks don’t matter, you’ll realize after reading the book and browsing the sub that confidence matters.
> as time went on I became increasingly more depressed (not entirely his fault, genetically predisposed to depression here) and my sex drive took a dive
I thought I was pre-disposed to depression too. I was severely depressed and has extreme anxiety the last few years of our relationship. Now, 9-months post separation, I feel like myself for the first time in years. Your husband is making you depressed.
> The sex thing was REALLY hard on him, and made him feel unwanted
OMG, I dealt with this shit so much. He would do X, Y or Z shitty behavior to drive me away, causing me to avoid intimacy with him. Then I was made to be the bad guy - he made me feel so guilty, that I was emasculating him and making him feel unwanted and abandoned. In reality, he is the one who has abandoned you for his other relationship - the bottle (not to mention the other women). He abandons you, makes you feel like nothing, takes you for granted, cheats, drinks, and when you withdraw after all this rejection he makes YOU the bad guy. No.
> I wasn't ready to give up my entire life just because he made a mistake
He didn't make one mistake. He has made a series of mistakes and you keep forgiving him. He is pushing your boundaries further and further to see what he can get away with. He apologizes for mistakes then turns around and keeps doing it, and taking it one step further. To make things worse, he tries to turn it all around on you because of your lack of intimacy which all came about because of his inability to be a decent partner.
> now he's ACTUALLY TRYING
What is he actually doing to try? He has begrudgingly agreed to stop drinking for a short amount of time. He is being, as you say, "patient, tender, and understanding." About what?! He should be grovelling on his knees, in intensive therapy to address why he treats you like shit and takes your marriage for granted - all while YOU are showing patience, compassion, and understanding for HIM.
He's trying to blame everything on you, and you're letting him. This is not a judgment. My ex and I had the exact same dynamic for 15 years. Take it from me: let him go. Free yourself. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's so worth it. You must break your codependency, start demanding respect from others, and stop blaming yourself.
These two books helped me in my journey:
Codependent No More
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person
Read this, and follow the instructions:
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
Like /u/Goldenopal42here says, he thinks it's fine now because you obeyed. You capitulated to his unreasonable demands under duress and with a threat of him leaving. Of course it's fine, you fell in line and he got his way.
If you stay, this is your life for the rest of your life. You will obey his demands or he will have temper tantrums. He will not change. You will see random acts of kindness, but you will live in fear that if you do not toe the line every single day, he will lash out at you.
This is abuse.
If you want to be free from this cycle, you are going to need to take some serious steps. Your first step was coming here and asking for validation that you are not crazy. You aren't. And this is not your fault. None of it is.
Your next step needs to be educating yourself on the cycle of abuse and codependency. In addition to researching coercive control mentioned by Golden, please get yourself a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" and start reading. Also look into Codependent No More and related books.
When you are ready to go further, you may also wish to look into CoDA (codependents anonymous) and see if they have groups in your area.
I have been where you are, I know how frightening it is. Please, please, love yourself enough to start planning your life without this type of coercion and control and abuse.
I hope this is allowed, here are a few links that can give you further information.
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https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
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https://medium.com/@blptaylor/is-your-normal-meter-broken-23d8893dd5bb
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201608/the-destructive-force-narcissistic-injury
It sounds like you should read this book.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
From the way you have described, it sounds like you are in relationship were you are invested in making your lives better while your partner leeches a free ride off of you.
Please get professional help! Also read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
I suggest reading Mark Manson's The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck & Models: Attract Women Through Honesty.
https://www.amazon.fr/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
I also didn't like Mark Manson's TSAONGAF, but his previous book, Models: How to attract women through honesty, was a life changer. I mean, I'm still trying to implement the principles into my life but it already started to change my life for the better. It's not just for the single guys btw, any man who wants to be attractive should read this book.
I would start by reading. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1439167346/ref=redir_mdp_mobile
[The Manual] (https://www.amazon.com/Manual-What-Women-Want-Give/dp/1456494554) and [Models] (https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467218700&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=models) are way better. The Manual is my bible. Top inner game!
I read a book awhile back that you might want to see if you would be interested in called Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson. Think it would help yah.
I would recomended you read Models by Mark Manson. It's a great book that takes an analytical approach on improving yourself and improving your self confidence to attract high caliber women that interest you through honesty. It is much better then over PUA books that focus on pick up lines and being fake. It really helped me a lot.
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty https://www.amazon.com/dp/1463750358/ref=cm_sw_r_other_awd_ou.8wbM9K207W
Edit: He also dedicates a chapter in the book to discussing how to choose locations to meet women that fit what you are looking for, it sounds like going out to clubs probably is not the place to go if you are frustrated by materialsim.
Try this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
It's a shitty thing to do and you won't get an honest answer so there's really no point.
Generally similar reasons apply for being rejected on dates, if it's something that really bothers you (or just interests you) theres plenty of useful material out there that can put things into context.
https://www.amazon.ca/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
/u/CoachToughLove probably has a a lot to say on this.
I am reading this books called models: attracting women through honesty. It has been extremely helpful for me.
>Models is the first men's dating book ever written on seduction as a purely emotional process rather than a logical one, a process of connecting with women rather than impressing them, a process of self-expression rather than manipulation. It's the most mature and honest guide on how a man can attract women without faking behavior, without lying and without emulating others. A game-changer.
http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1420342456&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=models
Gonna jump in here just because as an asian dude I know this is a touchy subject that non-asians might not understand. It sounds like you don't have an "asian" problem, just a social awareness problem.
A couple of books I think you can benefit from reading:
Mate by Tucker Max and Geoffery Miller
Models by Mark Manson
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
I also recommend listening to "The Mating Grounds Podcast" which was the precursor to the Mate book.
You have a lot of mindsets you have to unpack and work on. These books (and podcast), I guarantee you will transform your life, not just your dating life.
Best of luck
Not really, I don't owe you anything to explain, also there are too many things to cover. I suggest reading No More Mr Nice Guy and also Model.
This is the golden question, right?
*
Fake it 'til you make it yields false confidence. Although you'll still be exhibiting the traits of a confident male, you're true self will eventually show itself. It's not sustainable, and at times demeaning towards women.
Now, true confidence, as you seem to hint at here comes from being less invested in others as you are in your perception of yourself** (taken from Mark Manson's book Models - you should absolutely positively read this book). To reach this state, you obviously need to invest in yourself. Investing in yourself means that you have the following nailed down in your life:
Working on these 3 items will improve your overall confidence and it will ooze through literally every action you exhibit in your life.
**
Obviously, tackling these 3 items is quite complex; I highly recommend you check out Mark's book to learn the specifics on how to do each of them. Essentially, to be confident you have to feel* confident: you can only feel that way if you're actually living a great life, and are comfortable in your capacity to handle social situations.
There's a pretty decent book about this very topic... The Ethical Slut.
>My fear is that honestly there are not many men out there like him PLUS amazing sex drive.
How many men have you dated? If you've dated dozens and he was the best of the bunch then you're probably right.
However if you've only had a small sample, say less than 5, you don't have much reason to think he's especially rare.
Here's a great Tim Minchin song about the mathematical unlikeliness of "the one".
>I know he is extremely loyal and will not chase other girls, and I know that I will chase and be chased HAVE been chased by plenty..jealousy could play a factor
The argument here is that if sex is very important to you, but not that important for your SO, then why would he be bothered if you're doing something unimportant with other people that makes you happy. Would he have a problem with you doing some other recreational activity that wasn't important to him (like tennis) with someone else? Of course the reality is a lot more complicated and messy than that but the principle is sound. You should check out The Ethical Slut
>Many good fucks end up being jerks or incompatible personality wise.
If you wouldn't settle for someone who was sexually compatible but had an incompatible personality, why settle for someone who was personally compatible but not sexually?
I'm not sure good fucks or good people are any rarer than the other.
According to the kinsey institute:
>Approximately 20-25% of men and 10-15% of women engage in extramarital sex at least once during their marriage. (Laumann, 1994; Wiederman, 1997)
The Ethical Slut states that Kinsey found that 50% of supposedly monogamous relationships included a outside partner, but I can't find data to back that one up.
Just talk to people. Put yourself out there. Be open to going out to parties, playing intramurals, etc.
I think you might also find this book helpful.
Hey boss. I pretty much went though the same exact thing you did a couple years ago. Dated a girl for 3 years while in college, thought I was going to marry her, ect. She broke it off for various reasons, and I literally thought I was going to die. I had no real social circle, much less any good friends. She was my entire emotional support network for so long and I had no idea what to do when she left. To make matters worse, she began sleeping with other (random) people almost immediately. Talk about soul crushing. It was a dark time in my life.
But you know what? It forced me to grow. I now have a great job, an awesome circle of friends and another great girlfriend who I live with. Here are some things I realized on my journey post-breakup.
Basically all I can say it, you're gonna be alright eventually. You're doing the right thing by breaking off contact with her. Maybe eventually you guys can be friends, but focus on YOU for now. Hit the gym, and hit on some girls. In terms of getting back into the dating scene, the book Models by Mark Manson is amazing. Its not a scummy PUA (pick-up artist) book, but really teaches you how to find self worth in dating women. For your anxiety/depression, learning to meditate really helped me. This book is good for learning how.
Feel free to message me privately if you need any more help or clarification. I can also give some other book recommendations. Good luck!
I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.
There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&amp;pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&amp;pf_rd_t=201&amp;pf_rd_i=157344295X&amp;pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&amp;pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG
But absolutely the first one.
You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.
/u/ScientistInTheSheets is dead on, you need to see the person as more than a sex object. Not saying you are, but it's an easy trap to fall into. You'll hear things about unicorn hunting and hot-bi-babes for a reason. While some folks are happy to jump in a bed, that's a vulnerable act for many of us, and we want to know where we will stand in the morning. Developing friendships is really helpful there.
Honest communication throughout is really important, between everyone involved.
Knowing what you're looking for - sexy time fun or a romantic partner? For you or both of you? Kinky or more vanilla? One time thing or ongoing? I understand your SO is not being super communicative, but this is stuff you really want to discuss before hand. And then discuss some more.
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good read on consensual nonmonogamy and has many different perspectives on the subject.
Tristan Taormino
https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
Talk talk talk. That's the secret to any relationship - esp poly.
Poly means different things to different people. There is no one correct way. Poly is what you and partners decide it is. Everyone has different reasons about why they are poly.
Personally, I think that it is cruel to expect everything I want from one person. I have enough love to share and my lovers all have different roles in my life. I tired poly when I was not ready and got consumed by jealousy and relationship drama. We make mistakes and we learn. It takes a LOT of emotional maturity, patience, and trust to be in a healthy poly relationship. Poly is not for everyone and it doesn't need to be. Nothing wrong with monogamy if that's your thing.
I think people are more fascinated with the idea of poly. And reality is not always that glamorous. So many people want a quick peep into the lifestyle. The taboo is alluring. But many people also cannot get over the possessiveness and insecurity. No matter how secure you are in yourself and how strong your relationship is, being in a real life poly situation will bring up insecurities and challenge your relationship. If you both work on it together, you will become more close and trusting of each other. It can also drive a wedge between you both.
I would also suggest any of the the below books.
I've told people on this sub to do this before, but I honestly think you should take a look at this book. This is based on actual scientific research on relationships, not self-help BS, so I think it could be really helpful in this situation. This guy sounds like a pretty cookie-cutter case of someone who is avoidantly attached. This means that without serious therapy, he will shy away from intimacy and probably remain a commitment-phobe who won't meet your emotional needs. I can't tell you how to run your life, but I'd probably try to get out while you can and find someone who will actually want intimacy with you.
Hmmm sounds like you might find the book Attached helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 It sounds like this might be kind of an avoidant behavior: maybe as you get to know someone, you start feeling uncomfortable with the closeness and start finding things to justify why you can't get any closer? Worth reading up on, talking to a therapist about if it's upsetting you. Good luck!
I recommend you read Attached. It focuses on a love perspective but I find it very applicable to my friendships as well.
Consider also going to a therapist and maybe a support group for people with similar issues.
Have you read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love?
If you're interested in diving into attachment theory, I'd highly recommend the book Attached.
I've been discussing the book with my therapist after identifying some anxious attachment patterns in myself. I was dating someone who displayed a lot of avoidant attachment behaviors, and reading the chapter about the effect that anxious and avoidant attachment styles have on each other was so enlightening.
To answer your question, I do believe that relationship happiness is absolutely attainable, even for those of us with attachment styles that are not "secure." Like most things worth reaching for in life, it will take some work and dedication. But, really, that could be said to anyone wishing to attain a happy relationship, right?
It's a huge step that you're recognizing and facing these things. That's an important step that many people never reach. I'm a huge fan of therapy/counseling when it comes to this stuff. I don't know where I'd be without it.
The Ethical Slut
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379&amp;ved=0ahUKEwiuley00ebXAhXCQt8KHVE_BywQ5OUBCGYwDA&amp;usg=AOvVaw0C0biNX9E1HSS_DxjO55e4
Helped me get some perspective on a life altering path I knew I was heading down without the vocabulary to really discuss it properly. It's not the BEST book on ethical non monogamy, but it's a really good starting point...
The way your wife is going about this is detestable. That said, is this the first time she mentioned open relationship, or is it something you have talked about before with her and now she is just making it an ultimatum?
Happy relationships exist outside the traditional monogamous norm, (please see /r/polyamory) and it is entirely possible for some people (not all) to not only have sex outside their marriage, but to love outside their marriage without damaging the primary relationship.
Again, if this is a sudden out of the blue ultimatum, your wife has not done a good job at all. I seriously recommend you discuss why she wants this (i.e. sexual dissatisfaction, lost the "spark", etc.) and then discuss rules about the relationship. Open does not have to mean "you can do whatever you want", it can mean a huge number of things, and rules can exist to ease the transition and comfort level of each partner.
Recommended reading: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn
TL;DR: If you care about your marriage, discuss it openly and try to put aside your pain and consider rationally.
I can only offer a personal opinion and that is that feminist philosophers have spent a great deal of time discussing the relationship between gender, consent and power vis-à-vis sexual relationships. The main distinction they make between so-called "polygamy" and so-called "polyamory" is the power/consent dynamic in each. So I recommend you search the feminist scholarship on polygamy and polyamory as an area where fruitful discussions on this question have long been held.
If you want an accessible primer on the pro-polyamory side, I would recommend The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy
Get this book: Codependent No More
This will serve as a warning for what you might go through, and help you to avoid codependent behavior before you start it. I displayed codependent behavior with my addict for a full 2 years before I knew what it was. I just thought I was going crazy! This book was a lifesaver.
I'm so sorry that this is happening.
Have you checked out [Codependent no more]
(http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/)? It may be what you are looking for.
IMO, when someone is acting out with anger they are actually manipulating those around them with the "survival tools" that they learned at a young age. Like a 5 year old screaming for what they want till they get it. Your parents are responsible for the nature of the relationship that they have with your sister. There is nothing you can do about Brandi if she is set in her ways and always reacts like a self centered adult screaming for control.
I think that the solution is in telling you parents to stop treating her like a child and more as an adult. She is 21 and the nurturing stage of parenting is done. They are now causing harm rather then helping her for the real world. Do not sit and listen to what your parents complain. Rather, let them know that they are allowing this in their lives (do it lovingly of coarse). You might even want to buy them this book, it has helped me set my own boundaries and learn to nurture my relationships in a healthy constructive manner. Giving me the courage to allow the ones I love to grow on their own while remaining loving and supportive without hurting myself.
I hope I am not too late.
You can post this to /r/suicidewatch.
Here is my half-baked attempt at providing you with some answers.
First of all let's see, what is the problem? Money and women. This sounds rather stereotypical but it became a stereotype because a lot of people had this kind of problems. So if you are bad at money and at women, join the club, everybody sucks at this.
Now, there are a few strategies of coping with this. I can tell you what worked for me and perhaps that will help you too.
I guess if there is only one thing that I would change in your attitude that would improve anything is learning the fact that "there is more where that came from". This is really important in girl problems and in money problems.
When you are speaking with a girl, I noticed that early on, men tend to start being very submissive and immature in a way. They start to offer her all the decision power because they are afraid not to lose her. This is a somehow normal response but it affects the relationship negatively. She sees you as lacking power and confidence and she shall grow cold. So here lies the strange balance between good and bad: you have to be powerful but also warm and magnanimous. You can only do this by experimenting without fearing the results of your actions. Even if the worst comes to happen, and she breaks up with you .... you'll always get a better option. There are 3.5 billion ladies on the planet. The statistics are skewed in your favor.
Now for the money issue. Again, there is more where that came from. The money, are a relatively recent invention. Our society is built upon them but we survived for 3 million years without them. The thing you need to learn is that your survival isn't directly related to money. You can always get food, shelter and a lot of other stuff for free. You won't live the good life, but you won't die. So why the anxiety then?
Question: It seems to me you are talking out of your ass. How do I put into practice this in order to get a girlfriend?
Answer: Talk to people. Male and female. Make the following your goals:
Talk to 1 girl each day for one month.
Meet a few friends each 3 days.
Make a new friend each two weeks.
Post your romantic encounters in /r/seduction.
This activities will add up after some time and you will have enough social skill to attract a female. You will understand what your female friend is thinking. Don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out.
Question: The above doesn't give a lot of practical advice on getting money. I want more of that. How do I get it?
Answer: To give you money people need to care about you. People only care about you when you care about them. This is why you need to do the following:
Start solving hard problems.
Start helping people.
Problems aren't only school problems. They refer to anything: start learning a new difficult subject (for example start learning physics or start playing an instrument or start writing a novel). Take up a really difficult project that is just above the verge of what you think you are able to do. Helping people is something more difficult and personal. You can work for charity, help your family members around the house and other similar.
Question: I don't understand. I have problems and you are asking me to work for charity, donate money? How can giving money solve anything?
Answer: If you don't give, how can you receive? Helping others is instilling a sense of purpose in a very strange way. You become superior to others by helping them in a dispassionate way.
Question: I feel like I am going to cry, you are making fun of me!
Answer: Not entirely untrue. But this is not the problem. The problem is that you are taking yourself too serious. We all are, and I have similar problems. The true mark of a person of genius is to laugh at himself. Cultivate your sense of humor in any manner you can.
Question: What does it matter then if I choose to kill myself?
Answer: There is this really good anecdote about Thales of Miletus (search wiki). He was preaching that there is no difference between life and death. His friends asked him: If there is no difference, why don't you kill yourself. At this, he instantly answered: I don't kill myself because there is no difference.
Question: Even if I would like to change and do the things you want me to do, human nature is faulty. It is certain that I would have relapses. How do I snap out of it?
Answer: There are five habits that you should instill that will keep bad emotions away. Either of this habits has its own benefits and drawbacks:
Question: Your post seems somewhat interesting but more in an intriguing kind of way. I would like to know more.
Answer: There are a few good books on these subjects. I don't expect you to read all of them, but consider them at least.
For general mental change over I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324795853&amp;sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Generous-Man-Helping-Others-Sexiest/dp/1560257288
For girl issues I recommend the following book. This will open up a whole bag of worms and you will have an entire literature to pick from. This is not going to be easy. Remember though, difficult is good for you.
http://www.amazon.com/GAME-UNDERCOVER-SOCIETY-PICK-UP-ARTISTS/dp/1841957518/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324795664&amp;sr=8-1 (lately it is popular to dish this book for a number of reasons. Read it and decide for yourself. There is a lot of truth in it)
Regarding money problem, the first thing is to learn to solve problems. The following is the best in my opinion
http://www.amazon.com/How-Solve-Mathematical-Princeton-Science/dp/069111966X
The second thing about money is to understand why our culture seems wrong and you don't seem to have enough. This will make you a bit more comfortable when you don't have money.
http://www.amazon.com/Story-B-Daniel-Quinn/dp/0553379011/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324795746&amp;sr=8-3 (this one has a prequel called Ishmael. which people usually like better. This one is more to my liking.)
For mental contemplation there are two recommendations:
http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html . This one is for meditation purposes.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Pilgrim-Continues-His/dp/0060630175 . This one is if you want to learn how to pray. I am an orthodox Christian and this is what worked for me. I cannot recommend things I didn't try.
For exercising I found bodyweight exercising to be one of the best for me. I will recommend only from this area. Of course, you can take up weights or whatever.
http://www.amazon.com/Convict-Conditioning-Weakness-Survival-Strength/dp/0938045768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324795875&amp;sr=8-1 (this is what I use and I am rather happy with it. A lot of people recommend this one instead: http://www.rosstraining.com/nevergymless.html )
Regarding friends, the following is the best bang for your bucks:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324796461&amp;sr=8-1 (again, lots of criticism, but lots of praise too)
The rest of the points are addressed in the above books. I haven't given any book on financial advices. Once you know how to solve problems and use google and try to help people money will start coming, don't worry.
I hope this post helps you, even though it is a bit long and cynical.
Merry Christmas!
the biggest convo thing I got from the Game was conversational hooks- things in a conversation that you can hook on to to branch out on.
If someone tells you "I just got back from studying in Australia" you've got 2 main hooks: study and Australia and from there you can get what'd you study? Why Australia to study? What's Australia like? How'd you ever get the courage to pick up and leave? Did you learn to surf? How'd you like vegemite? Some of those were closed ended questions but from them you might be able to get more hooks.
Also check out How To Win Friends and Influence People Lots of good tips for maintaining conversations. At the very least it made me less of an abrasive dick. Also you'll find getting hooks easier if you can find a common interest and then just ask them questions you want to know on the subject or use your knowledge on the subject to ask questions.
After reading through some of your comment history, I find myself thinking that one of your main obstacles is one I've encountered myself as well: While you may indeed have a high IQ, that does not necessarily equate to high intelligence across the intelligence spectrum. Please don't take this the wrong way, but while you seem to be very aware of your own skills and the areas in which you excel, you do not appear similarly apt at identifying the areas where you are not the top honcho. And more than anything, you need to try framing your arguments, your humor, and your writing within other people's frame of reference.
In general, people have an easier time identifying with and understanding any argument that is framed in a way they are familiar with, and ideally in a way they would also frame it. From your posts, I see that you are a fan of both grandiose words and active debate, but both of those things are something many people shy away from. Being able to identify with an audience is the reason why Eddie Murphy is considered hilarious rather than disgusting when he conveys how when someone says "aw man, someone farted and that does not smell good", people "always" take a deep breath through their nose even though they know it will (literally) smell like shit.
If you wish to write comedy and posts that more people identify with, there are two things I would personally reccommend:
But hey, what do I know -- I'm just some guy on the internet.
I'm almost done ranting now, but before that, I'd really like to press that being social, understandable and accommodating in your presentation is really fucking difficult, and more often than not, I find it the norm that people find this difficult. And when I say people, I mean everyone. Making an effort to systematically learn to encounter people, both socially and in seeking debate, does not make you stupid or slow, it only goes to show that you're aware that it's not easy, and some times a lot of effort needs to go in to making something you want work.
Edit: If what I said made any sense to you, you should seriously consider reading this book. It's been a lot of help to a lot of people, and besides that, it's just really good.
Forget technical skills. You can easily enough learn technical skills on the job. Learn some people skills
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344437047&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-10th-Anniversary-Matter/dp/055380491X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344437033&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=emotional+intelligence
This guy
Here are some of my favorites, classics and modern:
The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson. We know we need to eat right, exercise, work hard, etc., but why don't we? The Slight Edge is a great look at the way we go about setting our habits, living in a hyper-paced world that expects/demands immediate results. It's quick, and powerful.
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. A classic, but well-deserving, and has stood the test of time. Become accepting of people by improving your self and your interpersonal interactions. True story, bro.
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. From dependence, to independence, to interdependence!
True North, by Bill George. More a leadership development book, but good to look at in terms of the timeline of developing yourself in life before you're 50 and are disappointed at yourself. Very good, not as great as my first three recommendations, but I got some good lessons out of it.
Godspeed, autodidact.
Heard great recommendations for this book
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0061438294/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d3_i2?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&amp;pf_rd_s=center-5&amp;pf_rd_r=00Y69KAT3HNHGWWK204J&amp;pf_rd_t=101&amp;pf_rd_p=317823447&amp;pf_rd_i=468294
For those interested: his book, Sex at Dawn
No rules broken, as far as I know, but Sex at Dawn is a rather dubious work of popular science. I wouldn't recommend it, and I'm guessing the people downvoting you agree.
By the way, you don't need RES to make links:
Sex at Dawn
Becomes:
Sex at Dawn
Here is something I typed up previously. The book I am writing will talk about most of this stuff. I'll be posting some articles I'm writing about communication here soon. For now, my old post. I endorse these books:
-------
So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.
Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.
That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:
(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)
Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
Author: Alan Alda
I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
Author: Jay Sullivan
More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
Author: Kerry Patterson
A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
Author: Liel Lowndes
Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.
Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.
I read a really great book that has helped my social anxiety immensely. It's called How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes. It gives you really simple tips that improve your social skills... And thinking about these tips will give you something to think about other than how awkward you are, which also helps.
You're exactly the sort of person who will eventually stumble into the seduction community. You could do worse, but first, some warnings...
That said...
> How do I overcome my inexperience?
AndyNemmity said it: Practice.
> Should I ever tell women that I'm inexperienced? (I tried this once and it might've put her off.)
I would say, yes, you should; if nothing else, when asked, but I don't recommend bringing it up. This is really your call. Different people will react in different ways. It's going to take some time to learn what those ways will be.
> What should I do about my emotions showing up like yesterday?
I think my self-esteem problem comes from my inexperience, but is there anything I can do specifically for that problem?
You are not going for 100%. You are going for 5%. Out of 20, 19 are practice. Act on your emotions as soon as you get an inkling of them. Regret lasts so much longer than rejection.
> I'm starting to use dating sites. Do you have any ideas for my circumstances? (Maybe I should look for a short-term relationship, or more women in the 18-22 range, or older women?)
Every word counts. Give people something to build on. Make sure your profile has lots of things to talk about. You are awesome. You make awesome into a verb. Be as positive as possible: Nothing has ever gone wrong in your life.
When you reach out to someone, make sure that there's something obvious to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their profile. "Hi, how's it going?" is good enough in real life, but sucks online.
> Is it wrong for me to turn down interested women? (Like the "love" case above, but maybe I should just do it anyway. That doesn't seem fair to anyone.)
It might be right for you. This is something only you can decide. Is a relationship with this woman an improvement in your life? Maybe, maybe not.
> Should I learn/accomplish/do something to stand out of the crowd?
I try to strike up a conversation before asking someone out to get some comfort in learning a little about them. Is this a bad approach? It probably limits my options.
If you have everyone's attention, you are making an impression on anyone you might be interested in. This is a two-way street, so while it's powerful, be careful.
You should have something interesting to talk about. Otherwise you're just one of the masses, and blending in isn't going to get anyone's attention.
I'll also mention that you might consider getting one of your female friends to set you up. This is likely to be a lot less game-playing. Maybe you want to play games; games are fun, after all, and you probably don't want something too serious right now. You probably don't even know what it is you want. If you do know, tap into your social network.
> If I'm the one keeping a conversation going (by asking questions, introducing topics, etc.), how likely is it that she's not interested?
Very likely, but that isn't your fault. We live in a self-centered society. The best you can manage is pay attention to the things other people say (do not talk to just girls; talk to everyone), and tie back into it later. Someone who is actually paying attention will be genuinely surprising.
On the downside, then you may well become the bored one.
> Are there any books that could help me? Assume I've never read any on this topic.
It sounds like the major issue you're having is picking up on signals. For that, I would recommend starting with The Definitive Book of Body Language; skip to chapter 15, but read the whole thing. I've also seen advertisements for You Say More Than You Think but haven't read it; that might be useful. Really there are any number of body language manuals out there. Read at least one, preferably more.
Consider reading either some of the book by Leil Lowndes (in particular, I'd recommend How to Talk to Anyone), or The Rules of the Game; both will get you started just talking to people. I would favor Leil Lowndes' work just because she seems less sketchy (though she did co-write a paper with David DeAngelo).
This comment nails it: it's fine to be generally quieter as log as you exert your confidence at the right moments.
I'm a Planner/Strategist, and in my earlier years the one critique during my reviews was that I wasn't asserting myself in meetings enough. It was true: whenever there would be waves of (extroverted) people endlessly talking over each other, I tended to recede into silence, which is a problem when they were paying me to share what I think.
These days, when the room is rambling, I use that time to mentally hone the thing I want to contribute, so that I can really make the most of the eventual opening in that conversation. Doing that over time, you can develop a reputation for making the most insightful contributions to a meeting, as opposed to those who just talk the most.
(Oh, and if you haven't read the book Quiet by Susan Cain, you absolutely should. It's an excellent guide on how to use the strengths of your introversion in environments that are skewed towards extroverts.)
>I don’t regret having one, just extremely ashamed of being sexual and communicating it to girls and also showing it to the world. Attracting girls’ attention and whatnot isn’t very hard but progressing things to dating, holding hands and eventually sex is impossible. I can’t even call them or message them on Facebook or Whatsapp because I just feel like an idiot for doing so. Making a move in clubs and bars is also difficult although I once got close to leaving with a girl but she didn't want to. I got made fun of a lot growing up for not having a girlfriend and this made me feel like i do not deserve one. It doesn't matter if I've got the green light to go ahead I just feel really ashamed do it. Even something like looking at a fit girl wearing a short skirt makes me feel bad for checking her out and that I shouldn’t be doing it.
I know what you mean. I've been there myself, but even when I was there I was entirely self-aware of my shame and I was skeptical of the validity of my emotional reactions; I realized they were ingrained. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to be emotionally proactive. Your sex-negative problem is mostly an emotional issue, and not much else, right? I've been there. I wouldn't doubt that you are also decent looking and have both latent and actualized social skills. Most intelligent introverts have a lot of potential to be who they want to be because they know themselves more deeply than others. You must use your introverted nature to your advantage and recognize the differences in others and yourself. In all honesty, there are an infinite number of unwritten rules; everyone's abstract/emotional logic is different. Many of them are foundational and predictable, however; including yours and mine. Like anything else, being emotionally predictable is not a black/white issue. It is a grey area, and you have to balance your reliability with creativity.
Being made fun of for not having a girlfriend is just as sexist as being made fun of for not having a boyfriend; gender equal too. Were you ever shamed for not having a boyfriend? It's clearly a matter of groupthink and extroverted style; not for everyone. Dating relationships, for extroverts especially, are often attention-getting and showy. They wear their relationships like trophies won. Usually introverts prefer a more private relationship because they have less social desire and are often shamed because of it. Introverts are “themselves” more often in private. Extroverts are “themselves” more often in public. There is no shame deserved either way, regardless of popular opinion. Both styles have their strengths and weaknesses, and you should try to introject some of the traits that you enjoy in others; regardless of type. That is how you become balanced.
>I’m receiving counselling from a pastor who advocates the whole “no sex before marriage” thing and believes that people should only date to get married and sex is only for making kids which is stupid IMO because I do not plan on getting married anytime soon.
Counseling from a Catholic pastor? Watch out, that is one of the most notorious sex-negative societies out there. They own the abstinence-only charade while they parade horribles. Marriage is not the answer to anything; it is an institution of the state. Anything else attached is sentimental.
If you haven't already, I recommend doing an in-depth study of animal sexual behaviors; especially the most intelligent animals. All animals have sex for pleasure, but some animals are only driven to have sex at certain times of the year; humans are on a 24/7 system.
>I’ve tried the no fap route and gotten very high days counts but that hasn’t really helped me at all.
Sexual frustration doesn't help anyone. If you are mindful, then you can use your libido to further your goals, but it is not an all-cure.
>Got any sources to help overcome sex-negative perspectives? I’m interested in recreational sex not baby making sex.
Absolutely. I recommend starting with actual sex science and learning about male and female psychology and neurology. Then work your way into reading about sex culture. You should also study developmental psychology as you will probably need the clinical context in order to objectively self-evaluate your childhood influences; it is necessary for self-therapy. The best therapy will always be self-therapy; no one will ever know you better than yourself.
Evolutionary Science and Morals Philosophy:
The Selfish Gene
The Moral Landscape
The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined
Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do?
Sex Psychology, Science, and Neurology:
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex
The Female Brain
The Male Brain
Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love
What Do Women Want
Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)
Sex: The world's favorite pastime fully revealed
Behavioral Psychology and Abstract Economics:
How Pleasure Works
Freakonomics
Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking
Thinking Fast And Slow
We Are All Weird
Developmental Psychology:
Nurture Shock
Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts That Run Our Lives
Empathy Building:
Half The Sky
The House On Mango Street
Me Before You
The Fault In Our Stars
Also check out James Hollis' Understanding The Psychology of Men lecture if you can find it.
Movies: XXY, Tom Boy, Dogtooth, Shame, Secretary, Nymphomaniac, Juno, Beautiful Creatures, and The Man From Earth.
All of these things are related, but it is up to you to make the connections; pick and choose which material suits your interests best. These are the things that came to mind first, and they have all influenced my perspectives.
I mean...yes! I think we’re in a real moment where people perform a certain kind of ease that isn’t really true. You scroll through social media and it can seem like everybody’s just breezin’ through their life without a care in the world but I would venture to say (and my reporting confirms) that people feel a LOT of anxiety and exhaustion with their social interactions. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the social things you have in your life, my advice would be to really evaluate and interrogate where that feeling is coming from. Have you given yourself the time to recharge? Are you participating in social activities that nourish you? Is there a way to hang with your friend one-on-one instead of going to the big party, if that stresses you out? My advice is to really evaluate the specific things that stress you out and exhaust you, and to not be afraid to opt out or change the dynamic of your social life so that it feels less oppressive. One book that I think could be a good read for you is Quiet: The Power of Introverts In a World That Can’t Stop Talking! I know it has helped many of my friends who were struggling to put words on their similar feelings of exhaustion. — Julia
I just want to point something out real quick both for OP and everyone replying. Introversion is simply a way of managing social energy and processing information internally vs. externally. It is not synonymous with anxiety, depression, and lack of social skills.
For those issues, OP, I do suggest you get help. Talk to someone professional, whom you are paying to unload your junk on. They can help you get a different perspective on things and build social skills. They can also prescribe you medication if necessary for any biochemical contributors to your depression. I say all this because I've been there. Being depressed sucks, especially when you don't have friends. Medication for a time helped.
As far as being an introvert, I would say congratulations - I'm one too! If you haven't yet, try out the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. It can help you realize more information about yourself - how you process information, make decisions, your priorities, etc. It was very helpful for me. Also check out Introverts in the Church by Adam McHugh and Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.
Check out Susan Cain's book Quiet. If anything, it may make you feel a little more vindicated for being who you are.
With that, yes, the world is pretty well built around extroverts at the moment, but it is navigable if you have the tools. I recommend finding a therapist, not just for developing tools for your introversion, but also to maybe get some help with your social anxiety. If you can't afford one, and can't find a sliding scale one, a friend of mine with bipolar disorder highly recommended this book for developing some basic CBT therapies for navigating whatever kind of anxiety you have.
Pretty sure "antisocial" is a personality disorder with a legitimate psychiatric diagnosis, while "introvert" is more of a personality type that's less defined.
greatest book I read last year: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, very nice last minute Christmas gift for the introverts in your life
the author even built a retreat based around the introvert concept! This was me when I read that article
Reading the book Quiet, by Susan Cain really helped me learn about, understand, and accept myself as an introvert. It was so helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Honestly, this is why I place importance on finding ways to be happy on my own without the need for physical strength like producing music or reading and learning something new, writing, meditation or any other artform along those lines. I feel like there are still many ways to live a happy life even if you aren't physically able to rock climb.
This is a great book if anyone is interested... https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I'm an INFP as well and have gone through a situation that was very similar to what you are describing. It sounds like you're emotionally exhausted.
Like any kind of exhaustion you need to rest. And if everyday you are exhausted, then you need to make time to rest each day.
I have found that it is necessary for me to have time alone, away from everybody, to recharge those "feeling" batteries. That plus ensuring I have a full restful night's sleep. Whenever I notice that I'm feeling sad, as an almost default emotion, there's a 99% chance I haven't been getting enough sleep, and/or I haven't had enough time to myself.
It's really important to make this resting time a priority. I know that's the hard part because INFP's instinctively want to help others. Sometimes we give too much and we feel selfish taking time for ourselves. We need to take time for ourselves so that we can recharge. Once we recharge we can give our attention to others, but if we give too much then we become exhausted.
I found this book, 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking' by Susan Cain (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0307352153/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1497698234&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=quiet+the+power+of+introverts+in+a+world+that+can%27t+stop+talking&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=517rtAtrHzL&amp;ref=plSrch) very helpful.
I also found seeing a therapist helped me better understand myself. Maybe that would help you too.
I hope this helps.
> In analyzing my own depression however, I've really come to the realization that a number of key mental states, thoughts, moments are significant factors. While I appreciate the notion of an SSRI, I tend towards avoiding medication, and I'd like to try to see a psychologist first, to see if I can't begin to tackle some of these factors in a long-term healthy way.
Apologies for not directly answering your question but this is up your alley so I thought I would mention it. Have you heard of the book Feeling Good? It's written by a psychiatrist and it's intended to be a tool for self-treating depression with CBT without drugs.
It was full of eye opening stuff for me, like how depression is actually a basket of distortions in thinking and, among other things, it teaches using rationality to get at the root of these distortions.
EDIT: I just noticed this book is actually mentioned in the comments in the Scott article you linked. Neat.
Another vote for professional therapy for yourself and possibly together with your husband. It will help you both so much.
If you can't afford/find a professional therapist, LDS Family Services can help (although I think I would recommend outside of that first) or it can be found online for cheaper.
At the very, very least, pick up a copy of the cognitive behavior therapy bible, Feeling Good, and a notebook and read it. Do the exercises, take notes. It will help.
I'm not invalidating any feelings.
People are entitled to feel what they want to feel — but there is only so far you can go to be inclusive and tolerate of others' feelings before you find yourself bent too far over backwards on your efforts.
Change will happen in life whether you want it or not. Trying to avoid change is unhealthy.
"Who Moved My Cheese" by Spencer Johnson might be a good read for those that have trouble with change.
"Feeling Good" by David Burns would also be a good read as well, that can help with many other things.
Also not OP, but I have found Feeling Good and Mind Over Mood to be excellent sources for learning CBT.
If you don't like the content that's being posted, then do not participate in the group chat. Seeing the porn and constantly reacting in a negative way won't help you get over your insecurities. You have to put these insecurities into perspective and choose how to react rather than go back to feeling bad. It takes a conscientious effort to rise above those negative feelings. No amount of compliments from others will affect you in the long run, it's just a minor increase of feeling good. The fact that you need his constant feedback for empathy shows that it doesn't help.
The deconstructing and analyzing is stuff you should just do in your head. Give him the highlights of what your feelings are, with straight forward questions if you require feedback. The constant chatter of feelings can be exhausting. It isn't necessarily a diss on you. It's just that not everyone is wired to enjoy lots of listening.
Pick up The How of Happiness and Feeling Good so you can get some help with your jealousy and insecurity.
There's a book about self-help books that really helped me: SHAM: How the Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless. It's a skeptical investigation of the Self-Help and Actualization Movement (or SHAM) that will help you identify which books not to waste your money on.
That said, if you are looking for a cognitive behavioral therapy book, Feeling Good seems to be legitimate. I haven't read the latest edition, but early editions were free of woo and it describes practices that represent the current thinking on cognitive-behavioral therapy among medical professionals. I tend to look down on self-help books with scorn, but this one appealed to my sense of logic and reasoning.
Don't discount your feelings of neglect regarding your girlfriend. It actually is rational to feel that way. Long distance relationships are ridiculously hard. I'm not saying she needs to change her behavior and text you back more promptly, but maybe you need to find something/one other than her with which to occupy yourself. As sexual beings, we need connection and compassion and it's rough when you cannot achieve these feelings with your partner. It can also put a huge strain on a relationship if one person is leaning on the other for happiness.
I get those depressive moods once I start quitting. I'm actually unsure of how to fix the depression, which is why I've booked a therapist. You could try reading a self-help book Feeling Good is a popular, well-reviewed book, as well as occupying your time with hobbies and interests that you can do on your own.
As someone who suffers from anxiety, why shouldn't people get annoyed if you're repeating yourself over and over again? I get annoyed when people won't shut the fuck up about something too.
I doubt many people (some though, sure) would respond with the quotes in image 7, that might just be your anxiety putting words into people's mouths.
It is possible to get the kind of support offered in image 6 internally instead of relying on other people.
Here's the deal.
I've seen your posts around the Wichita and depression subreddits. I remember because whenever I see you post you sound pretty similar to me. I've been depressed for several years, gotten down to just a couple friends, socially anxious, etc. Recently I've been taking really good care of these problems, though. I've started seeing a therapist, reading a few EXCELLENT books (take a look at this one and this one. They're life changers) and putting all this help to work in my life.
I didn't think I would, but I have noticed subtle changes happening in my life. It's taken a few months, but it feels like I'm finally on my way to being more or less "normal", or at least not having to worry about my depression or freaking out when I am in a social situation. In my classes and at work (I'm a sophomore at WSU) I have been starting to talk to more people and have been able to hold pleasant conversations for at least a few minutes. I've even gotten a couple people's numbers, which for me is a fucking milestone.
Ditch the negative attitude. How you live is fleshed out by how you're thinking about life in general. Seriously, give those two books a chance and read them cover to cover. They will help you out, I promise. Consider even seeing a therapist. PM me if you'd like the number of my guy, he's very nice and easy to talk to, has a great way of putting things into perspective and is introverted like me, which I'm guessing you are as well. It's not going to be easy, and is going to take some serious self-reflection, but the earlier you start the sooner you will be able to be happy with your life. Good luck.
EDIT: Now that I think about it, seeing a therapist should be first on your list of priorities. If you have the money, do it. Having someone there to help you (and a professional at what they do, at that) will help you much more than reading a book on your own could.
INTP here as well. I too failed many a class (mostly in college, though, not HS). In fact, I never even graduated. I fell into cycles of optimism at the beginning of each semester. As other things that weren't my actual coursework absorbed me, I started missing classes and getting behind. Eventually, I crossed a point of no return and decided that the class was a lost cause, and gave up on it entirely. My transcript is full of incompletes and 0.0s out of 4.0!
Do I regret it? Kind-of... I used to carry a lot of guilt and embarrassment about not finishing. Only recently, and with some actual pay therapy with someone competent was I able to come to terms with this guilt and let it go. Would I do it differently if I could get a do-over? Definitely.
Now, I got lucky after I dropped out. I got a great job (initially making squat) at a small company where I could exercise my INTP genius-skills. This has allowed me to grow into a six-figure salary with future interests in the company. Now, this is all well and good, but again, it was luck. I can't guarantee that you will see the same success if you drop out of college or high school.
Here's what I would do, if I were you. First, get the book Feeling Good by David Burnes. This will go a long way towards "fixing" some of that depression you may have. It is a very practical book that can teach you to short circuit your own negative thoughts. As an INTP you will find this easy to do. Don't worry, I used to think self-help books were bullshit too, this one is actually really good. Seriously, this book changed my life.
Next, knock off the bullshit. You need to kick yourself in the ass a bit. The fact that you are posting here and reaching out is great. But it also tells me that part of you knows you are "excusing" your behavior. Knock that shit off. It is not doing you any favors, and you know you are better than that. The previously mentioned book will help, but you need to acknowledge your culpability and actually want to do something about it.
Finally, find your genius. If it's Comp Sci, cool (I'm in a related field). Focus on developing your skills. Become a master. You have the mind and ability for it, whatever it is. Your ever so rare brain is your greatest asset. Exercise and hone it. Find those things that interest and engage you, and become expert. Stretch this out as long as you can before you get bored (because you will -- you're an INTP), to reallyexpand your knowledge, skill, and ability. Remember, Einstein was an INTP, and he failed classes too.
In 10 years, your high school failings won't matter, unless you let them matter.
It sounds like you could use some self-esteem. This book has great exercises for building self-esteem, and can also help you care a bit less about what other people think of you: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0380810336?cache=&amp;p4c7af82d9bad7575389e404b38c7b878i=SY200_QL40&amp;qid=1405865496&amp;sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1
Hope this helps and that everything works out for you!
For me it's hard to adjust to being less unhappy. I know that days when I feel 'lighter' that part of me feels like something is wrong - 'Why am I in a good mood?? What am I forgetting to worry about??'
Other times the meds just aren't right for you. I'm sure you know it typically takes two weeks to level off on new medicine. Are you up for changing meds? I don't blame you not wanting to go to counseling. Not saying it wouldn't help - I'm sure it does for some - but I'd rather do it myself. Have you read the cognitive therapy book Feeling Good?
Some books to check out: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Psychic Self-Defense by Dion Fortune. Both books are easy enough to find in pdf format, and are very applicable to this situation.
He was quoting from the article. The link refers to the book by Neil Strauss.
For those who are interested in reading a little bit more on the subject of body language, I read the book What Everybody is Saying a few years ago and found it fairly interesting.
I recommend some books on body language.
I'm currently reading The Definitive Book of Body Language
I have also read What Every BODY is Saying
I recommend both of them.
The first book is more about general body language, body language in business, and body language is courting. The second book is about lying and catching people lie.
There is also this book: Unmasking the Face: A Guide to Recognizing Emotions From Facial Expressions which I haven't read yet, but it looks good.
What Everybody is saying and The Definitive Book of Body Language are the two big ones as far as I know.
I have worked in fundraising or resource development for 20+ years. I was phobic about asking for donations, but learned a simple thing. My job is to ask for money and not beg or apologize. I simply ask for $XXX and wait.
This skill helps with invoicing. My job is to bill (it's in the contract) and their job is to pay. It's nothing special. Actually, I find it harder to ask clients to do work than invoicing them. I hate "bothering" them to answer a question or review a document.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may help. You would learn to identify your distorted thinking and then counteract it with alternative thoughts. Research has found it effective for depression and anxiety.
You can learn CBT on your own. David Burns' Feeling Good, the Mood Therapy is a great book that teaches CBT techniques.
I agree. It is common for guys to have severe social anxiety problems that are better dealt with through therapy or other professional treatments, before you can even think about doing pickup actively.
One of the earliest books known to the pickup community is Feeling Good by David Burns which is a sort of do-it-yourself Cognitive Behavioral Therapy system. It is no substitute for licensed professionals, but it is a good start. It talks about many of the basic concepts used in the pickup community, but without any of the jargon or techniques we use.
One thing I particularly dislike is people who promote the idea of "rejection therapy." I don't even know where this stupid idea started. Rejection Therapy is a misguided belief that you can desensitize yourself to rejection and social anxiety by deliberately trying to get people to reject you, and getting rejected over and over. Do not do this. All it will do is reinforce your anxieties. You already know how to be rejected. Learn how to not be rejected.
You can get this book - Feeling Good by David Burns for 6 to 8 dollars on Amazon (assuming you're in the US)
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_kO0wCb9B871X6
One of the best books ever written on depression
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns is a great choice. It doesn't focus on SA but rather on anxiety and depression more generally but you can use the methods to approach social anxiety just as well.
There are a couple others which could help you muster up the strength ideologically, like Rejection Proof or The Charisma Myth
It all comes down to being consistent and getting a bit stronger, a bit less anxious day by day. I wish you the very best!
This is going to be a pretty long-winded post because most of the sentiments you are feeling right now are phases I went through are college (I am currently a senior, and though my situation has improved since the beginning of college, I am still facing some of the lingering effects of depression).
In my belief, recovering from depression has to be practical, personal, and environmental. Practical in the sense that you need to take care of yourself and the environment around you (i.e. cleaning your room (btw, I'm no Jordan Peterson fan; cleaning my room is just an easy way for me to get the day started and feel good about myself), working out, eating healthy, practicing hygiene, meditation, etc). Though it may seem like it might not have a direct effect on you, organizing yourself and your environment does give a sense of self-control and does create a better image of yourself.
As for personal, depression does not simply come from genetics (yes, I know there are cases where this is true, but in my personal belief, depression can also be defined by your past experiences and the environment you are currently in). For me, depression really came from the conflicts I had with my parents and my unpreparedness of going to college. My mom was so desperate for me to get into a good college that she ended up doing my entire art portfolio and I had to write fake comments about what those art pieces meant. Thus, when I got to a college that is well-ranked, I felt like a total sham; I felt like the education that I was receiving was not of my own, but my mother's. I was only able to really figure this out by attending four years of therapy, and even now, I'm still going through some personal struggles. The personal aspects of your life takes time to figure out, but at the same time, is also a great source of clarity.
Finally, the final aspect of recovering from depression is environmental. Without having friends and families nearby, it can worsen the effects of depression because it makes you feel isolated and feel as if you're the only crazy individual out of seemingly-normal people. For me, it's hard to interact with my family because we just did not talk to each other that often in the first place. As for friends, I did have one friend in the beginning of college, but I have felt ambivalent about it because I felt like the activities we were doing together wasn't really improving my well-being (going to bars, playing games, etc). I do appreciate the fact that I had a friend, but looking back, I wish I also had another friend who had my academic well-being in mind as well. Also, I realized that I cannot have a single friend in which I can depend on for all my needs (academic, partying, hobbies, personal introspection, etc). I realized that I need to have some friends (not a lot) that meets my different needs, and that perspective change did open up my field of view as to which friends I can make. I have some friends in which I smoke weed with, make games with, study with, and they're all not necessarily in the same group.
But that leads to the question, what if I don't have friends and family members to lean on in the first place? And that's the catch-22 aspect depression. Without friends and families to connect to, we further isolate ourselves into our rooms, breaking down the practical and personal improvements we have built for ourself. This, in turn, makes it harder to reach out to others in the first place because we're not at our best selves and we don't want to perpetuate this negative image of being depressed and not-in-control to others. Personally, I think depression is cyclical in nature, but there is a way to stop it as well. Otherwise, we would never hear stories about how people were able to recover from depression.
So then, here are some of the steps that I found useful when recovering from depression:
Here are some resources that I found helpful:
For sure.
I'm happy you found a therapist who helped you navigate through your difficulties. If you could analyze what your therapist did to help you recover, that will help too.
Firstly, my toolkit involves using a combination of meditation and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). To successfully execute CBT, you need to be self-aware and mindful. Practice both together. This is important because when you're able to catch yourself thinking negatively, or start having unwanted thoughts, you're able to identify it and be aware of it's presence. Once you "catch" these thoughts, debate with yourself logically why those thoughts are irrational. The book I read was Feeling Good by David Burns.
Initially, this will be very hard, and it takes a lot of work, but it gets easier and easier once you master it, and trust me when I say this, the ROI for working on this is literally priceless. Took me a consistent 3 years of practicing everyday to pull me out of darkness.
Gradual therapy, slowly exposing yourself to things that scare you. For me the big one was social anxiety and fear of rejection. I made it a mission to go outside everyday just to be in the presence of others. Doing things I like outside with other people. I go to the gym, play pickup soccer and basketball.
Putting yourself first. INFJs love to put others first. Don't do that until you satisfy your needs. Be assertive with what you want and communicate it to others. It seems counter-intuitive, and feels like you're being selfish, but people respect people who hold their ground and provide for themselves first. Your confidence will soar from this. Which has a multiplier effect onto everything you do.
Stoic philosophy. The basis of this philosophy is to only put your energy towards things you can control. Things that you can realistically do right now to change the situation. Things out of your control, for example, other people's thoughts and feelings, the weather, the stock market, be quick to realize a situation you can't control and push it out of your peripheral. Life is too short so don't waste your time on it.
Exercise consistently & keep your diet in check. a must if you're serious about improving yourself. ROI is also priceless and kills many birds with one stone. (self-esteem, confidence, health, mood, sleep, relationships)
Good luck and be very patient. Sometimes you will feel like it's not working, but keep at it and only evaluate yourself after 6 months on your progress, because progress is slooooooow. I guarantee you using the combination factors above will move the needle more positively. If you have any more questions feel free to ask.
I recommend this book for CBT self help:
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I highly recommend you read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" and seek a good CBT therapist. You're not alone, and stay strong.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I'm no expert but I did seek help not too long ago after suffering from depression for many many years.
Those self diagnostic tests are helpful but they are not the end all be all. Take it again in a couple weeks and see what you get.
If you're scoring high it may be worth getting some help. My therapist recommended a book called "feeling good: the new mood therapy" and I found it really helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_99TNzbVCK0BPF
This was my first holiday home after discovering and coming to grips with the fact that I was raised by a uBPD mother. It was difficult for me too, but I feel like being armed with that information opened the door for growth. I'm also finding (as a 30 year old man) that it is painful to start processing all of this now, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. Even just reading Surviving a Borderline Parent is stressful and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
You're not alone, and I'd even venture to say that your reaction is pretty normal. It's going to be important to establish some healthy outlets to deal with the anxiety you're feeling. I suggest:
I can't recommend those two books highly enough. The former is better if you're feeling more depressed, the latter if you're feeling more anxious. Both are basically Cognitive Behavior Therapy for dummies.
My self-talk was a non-stop flood of corrosive negativity. Like, so fucking cruel and toxic it was agonizing.
I can suggest some things that helped me quiet those voices:
You can beat this.
Professional help is a game changer. Please, if you can, get professional help. If you can't because you can't afford it, I would recommend books.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1503273693&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1503273704&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+happiness+trap
These two books helped me very much. But I also read them while doing talk therapy.
Once you find a therapist, here's a good article to read through before your first visit: https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-to-expect-in-your-first-counseling-session/
If things aren't clicking between you and the therapist after the first couple of visits, don't be afraid to cancel future appointments and try another one. (Don't just ghost them though; make sure you cancel the appointments or they could charge you a cancellation fee.)
The first therapist I ever went to fell asleep during our first meeting. I called the next day and told her I didn't think it was going to work out.
If you decide you don't want or can't afford therapy, here is a really good book: https://amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ I've used it a couple of times to help me out of a slump.
Just remember that it's OK to ask for help.
Huh, only terrible people have answered you at this point. It seems it's up to me to treat you like an actual human being, with actual compassion! I know you didn't explicitly ask for advice, but I'll just write this out, and you'll consider it if you want.
Okay I don't know if you'll read all this or if you'll find this at all helpful, but I just want to say that I'm convinced that no one is stuck in a situation they don't like, as inconceivable as that may be when you're the one stuck in it. We all have the possibility to make changes in our lives, and indeed we are the only ones to have control on our own lives. Don't forget that!
Agree with the other poster. You need new friends so you won't stifle your other friends.
You might want to read Feeling Good by David Burns. It shines a light on this kind of predictive thinking.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
I'm 36 years old and live alone. It's a lot quieter and cheaper than being married.
The first thing you should remember is that happiness and self-esteem comes from within. There are tons of rich celebrities that are extremely attractive and are miserable.
I highly recommend you read the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. You can get it for free at your library or on Amazon.com. I wish I had read it when I was your age. It basically shows you how to think your way to happiness, regardless of your circumstances.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1IWFF3ZUUEWUR&amp;keywords=feeling+good+by+david+burns&amp;qid=1555266687&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=feeling+good&amp;sr=8-1
What to do with your life should be to try to help other people. I highly recommend picking a religion and sticking with it. American culture hates religion but almost all the studies show that religious people are happier than atheists.
Good luck and keep us updated.
An honestly pretty great book about love relationships.
I highly recommend reading it. It's not the "end all, be all" of how to express love to your partner, but goddamnit it's a fantastic place to start.
Two books I would recommend are:
Dating Delilah by Judah Smith
Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Both of these have a lot of good insight on having a healthy relationship with your significant other while staying focused on God. I do caution you not to take either of these books as the dating gospel or anything like that. I'll be the first to admit that both contain things that I don't agree with and/or find helpful. However, on the whole, I think both authors give terrific insight on the issue, and despite the things I don't like, I will happily recommend them to anybody seeking Christian dating advice.
This was animated by Richard Williams Studio, the animation team behind Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The channel that uploaded this video has a wealth of animated content related to Richard Williams, the man who literally wrote the book on animation, well worth a look.
the animation field is very very competitive. and little by little, jobs are being cut out from the field. if you go for animation, you better have passion. without it, you may as well have no chance...
i wanted to be an animator ever since i was a kid, i love cartoons. animation is a wonderful medium.
Do you know who Richard Williams is? I hope you do. In his book, The Animator's Survival Kit, He talks about his journey into the world of animation. please read that section which is located in the very first pages of the book.
i watched your video SidMonqay, and i will tell you to forget about animating right now. No, i don't mean lose the passion to animate. What i mean is forget about the technical part, which is animation. First, learn how to draw. No, i don't mean learn how to draw cartoons, i mean really REALLY learn how to draw. Study classical drawing and painting...trust me...if you focus on this you will be able to draw ANYTHING:cartoons, anime, illustration, comics, etc. because this is the HARDEST and most DIFFICULT art there is. (Jason Manley from ConceptArt.org https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh37Mtex67w) you don't have to 'master' it, but learn from it. once you know you are ready, you are ready for animation.
I am 22, and studying classical drawing at a studio in Chicago under a very great and talented artist who i call my mentor. he has connections to some of the biggest studios of animation out there, and knows A LOT of well known artists. He teaches classical drawing and painting but also works as a storyboard artists and is grateful to make a living as an artist. He told me he has plans to grow the studio into a small 'academy' where he and other artists will teach classical/digital/animation. I am so happy i found this place. it beats all the art colleges i have gone to.
I now go to the studio and study mechanical design technology at a community college(as a back up, if animation doesn't work out..)
I will introduce you to Bargue drawings(intro to classical training)
http://ricardopontes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/34_plate_I_7_the_foot_of_the_gladiator.jpg
This book my mentor suggested me to read, which i did "Lessons in Classical Drawing: Essential Techniques from Inside the Atelier"
http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Classical-Drawing-Essential-Techniques/dp/082300659X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1409106710&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=classical+atelier
This artist who has great drawing/painting demos DVDs which i learned a lot from (Robert Liberace)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyC4sxFrr9w
An animation news website
http://www.cartoonbrew.com/
Calarts which is the best school(they say) for character animation
http://calarts.edu/
(but listen, you DO NOT need a degree for animation. you DO need a kick ass portfolio. and i mean it. kick ass...you get the job and recognition from your portfolio and skills, not the piece of paper.
I myself am not getting a degree in art or animation.)
here is my tumblr. i post my art there.
http://cigaretteclub.tumblr.com/
if anything SidMonqay, try art at a community college. it's cheaper than larger institutions. be careful of for-profit institutions and people that just want your money. that is where i messed up, and i lost all hope, until i found this studio. I highly recommend you go and find a studio or atelier and study drawing and painting there. there are also art workshops every year for illustration/animation/drawing/painting you can find each year around the U.S! like this one http://www.artconnectionacademy.com/SaturdayLectures.aspx
but, choose your own path! any questions, feel free to ask
[edit] of course! Richard Williams book on animation! http://www.amazon.com/The-Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles/dp/086547897X
this is the quintessential text for any animator.
Start with Eric Goldberg's book "Character Animation Crash Course!"
http://www.amazon.com/Character-Animation-Crash-Course-Goldberg/dp/1879505975
It reads a lot less like the stereo instructions that is Richard Williams's "Animator's Survival Kit" providing for a much more accessible and lighter introduction to animation. If, after you've read through it, you find that animation is still for you then absolutely 110% get Richard Williams's book.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=0MV2H6MZNC3HHHH1ED43
Another must have is "The Illusion of Life".
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0786860707/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=1S91BNCH9AFXPJQCA1HH
Always keep in mind that the word animate means "to give life to." You are bringing a character to life be it a drawing or a 3D model. Before even touching paper and pencil (because you thoroughly plan your scene out that way first before touching the mouse ;-) ask yourself "what is the character thinking?" Get inside that character's head. Sketch out exploratory poses. They don't have to be gorgeously rendered drawings. They are your visual notes and can even be stick figures just so long as you can read them. Get away from your desk and physically act out what your character has to do or hit up YouTube for research. Shoot reference with your smartphone (use an app like ProCamera which lets you shoot at 24fps) and analyze how long it takes you to perform an action. Don't sweat the software just yet. That's the technical stuff that comes later. Animators are actors and it's important to understand acting first. That being said, this book is great for learning Maya.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0415826594/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1453026213&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=how+to+cheat+in+maya+2015&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51IrWwVyubL&amp;ref=plSrch
This book combines learning to animate in Maya while simultaneously teaching the 12 principles of animation. The very best of luck to you in the beginning of your animation journey. Take your time and practice everyday. Think of animation as a muscle. You have to workout everyday for it to get stronger even if you only work on something for 15 minutes a day.
Awesome, keep at it and dont be afraid to try crazy movements.
I use this book nearly everytime I work on an traditional animated project, cant recomend it enough.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1485615187&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp;keywords=animators+survival+kit&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51mu0NS88VL&amp;ref=plSrch
Spend at least 20 minutes a day doing "gestures." Websites like quickposes.com are incredible resources. You can't draw the human/animal form enough, even if 3D is where you'll work. Never ever miss a class and build a strong portfolio. Animation as an industry can be a meritocracy, so animate, draw everything all the time.
You can do this. Source: went to school for animation and have incredibly successful friends working as animators. (I, myself am an illustrator.)
Also, get yourself this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1459295497&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=animation&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=513WsqEOM-L&amp;ref=plSrch
Read this book:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_WMkIDbR8Z9PP1
Just to go off what you're saying, this is a great book for anyone who sympathizes with that subreddit.
I was reading this book after hearing about it on a podcast, and it would seem VERY relevant to the examples above.
As I was reading this book, I recognized some of my old behaviors that I learned to shed in my 20s. Having positive male mentors and role models really helped to.
The connecting factors of these guys is that they're all really passive, permission seeking and aren't attuned to even their own desires and dreams. They have to decide to wake from that slumber, themselves.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
You gave up your masculinity/dreams/life for the sake of the role of the Savior. You tore off your balls and throw them out of the window. I don't think any woman want a guy without balls.(Regardless what they are saying...)
Your trip to the Hospital clearly showed that She did not care about you. It is compatible with her imperfect humanity, so you should not take this as a personal offense. BUT this behavior has no place in any healthy relationship. You should be glad, that you are alive and released from this highly toxic relationship. Next time be a little bit more aware of your partner's capability of maintaining a healthy adult relationship, do not wait for a heart attack...
You want a healthy relationship ==> You and your partner should be healthy.
Your problem has little to do with Stoicism, but it seems to me that you suffer in the typical "Nice-Guy Syndrome". I recommend to check this book: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Assuming your male...No More Mr. Nice Guy. I struggle with this as well, I'm to be more assertive and less of a people pleaser.
It sounds like you're defining your life be the women you are with too much. I think you might benefit from reading No More Mr. Nice Guy book and forums.
This isn't r/pua or r/redpill.
In fact, a lot of it is victim blaming.
Logic tells us that we should WANT to be nice to others, and others should want to be nice to us in return. That's how reciprocity works.
The problem is our culture has short-circuited reciprocity into selfishness. Now everyone is a selfish asshole, so if you're nice, you're automatically worse than everyone else.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339#reader_0762415339
I just read the look inside version, and I got to controlling, manipulative, give to get, passive aggressive.
Did he give this to a woman to ghost write? Of course you give to get. Its called reciprocity. You don't keep being nice to someone that takes your kindness and then smashes you in the balls. Most people are passive aggressive because we have become more and more sensitive to overt aggressive behavior as rude, hostile, uncivilized, etc. Controlling isn't "nice guy", controlling is sociopathy, narcissism, etc. Its like he's writing about wholly disparate people.
I could do a simple find and replace of "nice guy" with "women", and I bet you so many people would see so much truth in all of those headers, passive-aggressive, controlling, give to get, etc etc.
The truth is that everyone does all that shit all the time, its not just "nice guys". Its normal. Nice guys just have a tweaked version that doesn't go anywhere.
>The law of reciprocity, (which applies in EVERY culture on the face of the earth), simply explains that that when someone gives you something you feel an obligation to give back. Giving and receiving favors is a common exchange and is an implicit assumption in most of our relationships.
The reality is that when reciprocity is broken, of course people are going to be bitter about it. But instead of accepting that some men and some women have done this to some men and some women out there, suddenly its men who are "nice" that have to change themselves to fit in, not that they are unjustly treated, and that women have it right when they call them manipulative assholes who aren't nice.
I've seen some people that constantly go around trying to get people to like them by saying how nice they are. This is not the average "nice guy".
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VM1UA0pCMQ
When the rat does something you want, you reward it.
Unfortunately I have no success story for you, not yet that is. I just found out I was a "Nice Guy" a couple days ago. A user named RedHawk suggested this book to me, which im guessing you have read too by the way you talk, and if you haven't be prepared to get creeped the shit out by a book that can read you mind.
I'm on the 3rd chapter and I'm trying to get one of my guy-friends to back me up on it before I continue. I have gone through years and years of this shit and trust me, I feel your pain. We're gunna beat this though. Check out that book, if you haven't. Its gunna save my life, and hopefully yours too. Good luck friend, there is a long road ahead of us.
My wife and I both read the [5 Love Languages] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X) book from the library. It really helps with examining the way you express love and also helps identify how others express it. If you're both the same, then it's pretty easy, but it gets a little difficult when you are different (which is most people). If nothing else it's been helpful at just training you to think about things like showing love in a format that your partner is most receptive to and helps a little with communication across styles.
You don't sound like a spoiled brat. You want him to put thought and effort into speaking your love language. To him, gifts are just stuff. To you, they're an expression of love, intention, and care. You want him to care about the thought behind gift giving instead of "here ya go if I remember" and moving on. Talk to him about gifts being your love language. Think about picking up a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. A lot of people recommend it and it seems to really help with that kind of communication.
It seems like he must tie sex into love and self image. It must reassure him in some way about the relationship. Are there other things you can do to reassure him of your interest? Have you read this? Maybe if he's getting fulfilled in other ways a slight drop in sexual encounters won't be as big of a problem?
Reading this i'm pretty sure that you both indeed DO love each others. You seek for advise, he says he loves you. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding and/or different ways of expressing love? What i can really recommend because it helped myself is Gary Chapmans book about the five languages of love: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=pd_sim_b_1
I have nothing to do with him so this is not ment as advertisment (just in case anyone suspect this).
I wish you both good luck to find back a way of expressing your love! Hope you can solve it together and hope you feel loved and appreciated again!
You need to read this.
Seriously. It will help.
If it means anything, this isn't abnormal - or perhaps it is, but I'll get to that.
Part of the reason I cheat really isn't about the sex, it's about the power derived from it - knowing that the mom I was with chose to be with me instead of her husband or her children. I think what I truly adore is taking something beautiful - vows, a mother's love, and destroying it simply because I can.
As I write this, I'm sitting in a small apartment that I use as an office in one of my properties. One of my lovers is asleep in bed after a night of fucking. I'm about to go to the gym. When I come back to the office, odds are she will have made me breakfast - it can be a good life sometimes.
Last night I choked her with a necktie as I fucked her ass - and then we held each other lovingly as we both drifted to sleep. I treated her like a whore and a painslut. I gave her what her goofy loser husband never could. But before we slept, she was showing me some pictures of her last overseas business trip with her husband and children. And I got to see her smiling husband and smiling teenage child and briefly wondered if the child would go to college and become a dirty painslut like her mother.
Because, you see, I like to win too, and I always win. You and I may be cut from the some cloth. You may get off on knowing that you are desired above all others. Is it normal? No, not to 98% of the population... but you may be different like me. So I wouldn't worry that much. It may be normal for people like us.
Read ["The Sociopath Next Door"] (http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828) it may open your eyes to your true potential in life.
It actually does sound like you're dealing with sociopaths, just less stereotypically competent ones (not everyone can be a brilliant, suave, evil genius after all). An excellent book on the topic I'd suggest is The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. About 5% is normal, even in the general population.
You ought to consider reading some books on psychopathy. Might connect a few more dots. Here are a few:
"trust, but verify"
One out of 25 people you encounter may be a sociopath, and you probably won't know until it's too late, quite possibly while you are dating them.
There's also The Mask of Sanity, which was a pioneering work in the study of sociopathy. I found it to be comprehensible for the layperson. I'm sure the field of study has moved on since 1941, but the case studies it presents are fascinating. From what I've read, the book by Hare that you suggested is also seminal, though I haven't read it yet. Hare was the one who came up with the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, Revised.
Another one for laypeople: The Sociopath Next Door. It's not a serious academic work and more along the lines of The Psychopath Test, but it's a quick read and very interesting.
eh, hate to break it to you, but prior to around 1970, american real wages increased at a steady rate for around 150 years. it has not done so for the last four decades. its more or less due to capitalist bastardry that more women have sought work in those decades than ever before. purely economical. now, the reason they are paid less is pure sexism, no doubt about it. somehow, i agree with both and neither of you.
jackelope: explain PLEASE why it is that so many board-members and CEOs are male and not female. while you are at it, please explain why those men and (though admittedly rare) women are more likely to be sociopathic (like four times more likely)? i would link a torrent site ebook with my citation of this fact but sadly, i cannot find one. here's the link to a fine book supporting my claim. its really good reading though, worth paying for, but if you can d/l, so much the better. open source and all that.
you are talking about the united states, correct silentagony? well, the united states government are inimical to labor and socialism (see the taft-hartley act of 1947 if you doubt me). equal rights are wonderful, but from my perspective, if you are successful, it will only make the oppression of the proletariat that much more diverse. women who win the game of capital do the same fucking thing that the men do, screw over the workers (who i will remind you are at the lower part of the structure of capital and MUCH more likely to be women who are screwed economically and sometimes worse but hey, that's patriarchal capital for you.)
to rmuser: yeah, sexism sure does suck. transsexism is pretty awful as well, perhaps you agree, perhaps not. i experience it and i think it does. the whole fucking thing is terrible and terrifying. wage gaps are wrong, but if they were removed, the proletariat would still be sodomized regardless of sex, gender or rock-and-roll (although i will be the first to admit that cismales are screwed a little less fiercely.)
again, to jackelope: fucking hell, language is VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT. did you even READ 1984? language controls the fucking NARRATIVE goddamnit! thoughtcrime? hell-fucking-o? i say all this because i fervently hope that this angry rant will spark some sense in someone.
fuck it all, there are no commies or anarchists for world peace. some fakers are for a piece of the world, but fuck 'em, they do not represent me...
no, i do not hate any of you, i think you all have valid points but you are all fighting the wrong enemy. theres a good quote from a game of thrones that i feel is relevant (mainly because i am a total ASOIF nerd). Osha (the wildling woman from north of the wall) says: "I tried telling your brother, he's marching the wrong way. All these swords, they should be going north, boy, north, not south."
winter is coming
hell, i do not care anymore about this stupid karma shit (apparently), this infighting is FUCKING STUPID, way to go o my lgbt comrades. if the game is crooked, EVERY FUCKING MOVE IN THE GAME IS FUCKING CROOKED.
.:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: It's more Zen than the title alludes to.
No More Mr. Nice Guy: Excellent book!
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Mystery: Body Language 1
Mystery: Body Language 1
Hot Seat Breakdown: Part 1 of 5. This might be the greatest breakdown of legit pickup. It's Owen from RSD, and I don't like him typically, but this is super good.
This sounds a lot like my last 8 years of marriage. I've suffered from nice guy syndrome. It took me a long time to realize that I had issues myself because I thought all the problems in my life were because of my wife. When she was struggling I would do more and more and more to try to keep her happy and keep the peace while never allowing her to grow because I was enabling her.
It's kind of like the perfect Mormon family in the ward that does everything right and you hear about it all the time. Is that family really authentic and happy or are they trying to convince everyone else they are? You know they aren't flawless yet they want you to think they are. This is how my wife feels 100% of the time about me, and I have always got defensive in the past trying to explain and defend myself when in reality she was probably right a lot of the time. With the help of my therapist I was able to realize my codependence and it flipped my whole world upside down.
It sounds like you've also been able to replace the emotional responses that you were raised to have when serious problems arise and are now able to look objectively using logical reasoning. This is what I'm struggling to do myself right now. It's comforting knowing that I haven't been the only one that has gone through this kind of hell and I'm really glad you're in a better situation right now
I might be misreading what you have here, but this book might be worth a look:
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Check it out. I am very sensitive by nature and reading it helped me to see and understand my behavior in relationships much better.
According to Dr. Robert Glover, "Nice guys are usually anything but nice." You have to check his book out man, it helped me to become a better friend, lover, significant other, and person in general. Particularly being someone who is very calculating it really helped me to achieve true empathy and compassion. Before I read this book I was in a relationship with a woman I despised who treated me very poorly, my drinking was out of control and I was generally just a very unhappy person. Now I have the perfect girlfriend, a better job and closer, more valuable friendships. Best $11 I ever spent. You can check it out here. Be sure to update us, you can do this :)
Take the “try to stop global warming” approach. Worst case scenario, the earth is a little cleaner but nothing else changed, best case scenario, the earth is cleaner AND we’ve averted disaster.
In other words - go with being the best version of yourself - worst case scenario, you are living a richer and more fulfilling life, but still no girlfriend. Best case scenario, you are living a richer and more fulfilling life and you’ve got a girlfriend. More on this approach here: https://web.archive.org/web/20170910035757/http://www.drglover.com/blog/x_post/is-living-a-great-life-demeaning-to-a-woman-00058.html
Being the best version of what woman want is the path to ruin for you and your relationship. There is a whole book written about this, where guys try to be the person they think women want in order to get what they want, and what the consequences are - https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 .
Also, big girls are awesome- don’t hate.
no more mr nice guy from Robert A. Glover
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 or get it form torrent .
Ok, it’s good to know your world view is not toxic, it’s just misguided....like a million other guys your age!
You, and a million other guys (like me) ran through a very common scenario for all us. That is because you suffer from Nice Guy Syndrome. Yes, that’s a thing. I recommend you get Dr. Robert Glover’s book Mo More Mr. Nice Guy which explains everything. It’s a must read for young guys.
For you specifically, here’s the tl;dr on what you did wrong:
Hey, you’re young and you have plenty of time to get things straight. Plus there is a boatload of good resources out there for you; I didn’t have that back when I was going thru the same stuff as you.
I also suggest you listen to current episodes of both The Art of Charm podcast and the Jordan Harbinger Podcast. Both are independently doing episodes on authenticity and vulnerability right about now (October 2018).
You don't
You need to sit your GF down and get her to read an awesome book
Toxic Parents
You can't do much but she needs to stand up to her folks.
They are dysfunctional alchs who need help, and by keeping them in her life as they are, she is enabling them.
Therapy should work if they're willing to get it AND stick it out.... ....it's the getting them to therapy consistently that's the hard part. Hahaha...
Plus the therapist has to be a stranger to them. I've heard of it where the N caregiver hooks up with one of their buddy-buddies - which is supposed to be a big no-no in therapy anyway. But if they get their buddy-buddy involved they can just steer the therapy in their own direction.
Most alternative approach: The book ["Toxic Parents"] (http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407) provides a guideline for confrontation if you're willing to go that route. In practice, it's risky though, and you have to do it for the right reasons (for yourself. Not to be mean or to troll, but to state your case & then be ready to accept whatever their reaction is.)
The Man who Mistook his Wife for a Hat By Oliver Sacks is an amazing book about odd neurological disorders and what they do to people. It is a fascinating, well-written book that was very easy to read.
Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain By Oliver Sacks is another very interesting book about how music affects the brain.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is another good book that'll make you a bit more observant of people.
The Art of War is always a classic, good, and informative read.
Those have been my favorite. I have a friend who suggest The Tipping Point is a really good book, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.
Hope that helped.
Edit: Me grammar wrongs
Not sure if you're only looking for fiction or an entertaining read, but here are some "self help" books which have blown my mind and have had a huge impact on my life for the better. I wouldn't personally call them "self help" books, but rather, books for everyone seeking to improve themselves and learn how to make a happier life for themselves and others. Please don't be put off by the nature of these "self help" books - a few years ago I was of the belief that these were only for social retards and people with psychological issues, but I've since learned that these books can pretty much improve the life of anyone in the world in some way. Some of the things I learned in these books were so profound I had to put the book down in shock just to process it all.
Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman
This shows how everyone (including yourself) will always see the world subjectively according to their own personal experiences and bias - whether being conscious of it or not. It'll really show you how to read more into interpersonal relations and develop a far better insight into how people (and perhaps even you) think mentally. Of course it's human nature for people to think they're perfectly rational, but this book shows how to recognise how people will subconsciously deceive themselves into seeing the world as the mind wants to see it.
The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease
As the title suggests, this shows you how to read into body language. This really blew my mind - with this you will learn how to read FAR more into people and more effectively project desired attitudes of your own onto others. This will teach you things that most people are totally oblivious to, and yet, by understanding body language you will be able to tell so much more about people from it - this has taught me how to find out what people are actually thinking.
How to Argue & Win Every Time by Gerry Spence
Don't be fooled by the title - this book is not so much about arguing as it is about getting what you want with people and in life. Written by one of the world's best trial lawyers, it'll teach you how to more effectively communicate and connect with others in order to get what you and others want. At first I was averse to reading anything from a lawyer, but he really surprised me on this one - it was a hugely entertaining read and his words were some of the wisest I've ever read.
Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer
This will teach you how to be funny! Of course, this sounds stupid and one might think that this kind of thing can't be learned, but I promise you that no matter who you are, if you read this you'll become a far more interesting person.
I don't know if these were the kind of books that you were looking for, but I hope this comes to some help to at least one Redditor out there. It's just that all of these books have greatly improved my life, and I wish I could have found these earlier. Plus it'd be nice if people would give more heartfelt suggestions on where to find more books like these - hope this helps =)
No it's not. I took great interest in it a few years ago. Within 10 years, there will be face recognition, and body analyzation software that will be able to tell how you feel, or what you're about to do before you do it.
Did you know that globally across the world, there are specific facial gestures that represent emotion? This instinctively tells us that these are born with these. It's inherent, not taught/learned.
I definitely think the doc posted here is amplified in bullshitness for viewing, but it's no pseudo science.
Check out this book on amazon if you're interested.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
and this one by former FBI agent Joe Navarro
https://www.google.com/search?q=fbi+agent+body+language+book&amp;ie=utf-8&amp;oe=utf-8
After reading the book and apply principles, it's no psuedo science. I took great interest is just watching people in every day situations as well as experiences with me included.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.
To add to this people often have some kind of tick as well too when they lie, twirling their hair, scratching their nose, etc.
If you want to get really crazy and and event study some body language to further up your acting game, check out the excellent book "The Definitive Book of Body Language". It is very thorough, visual and even has tests at the end. Great read.
I read "The Definitive Book of Body Language" by Barbara and Allan Pease. It was easy to read, and might have actually helped a bit.
Also, first season of Lie to Me for microexpressions
Edit: I learned how to link
My kid really enjoyed https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/
I think that the idea that there are clues that one can use to deduce things that most people don't realize might be attractive to someone trying to puzzle out the rules. Good luck!
Sever your roots.
I know what a bad trip it is, dealing with narcissistic parents.
Try this:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553381407
The Definitive Book of Body Language
Really taught me a lot about how people interact, and made me much more socially aware. Easy read, and very interesting.
Sometimes its feet too... you usually point your feet towards something you like or something you want. Body language doesn't lie.
And yes, there are a lot of hoaky stupid books/sites about body language but if you find one that was written by someone credible the info is really awesome. I liked The Definitive Book of Body Language
http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1
Body Language by allan pease, who's basically written a lot of standardized text on the matter.
http://www.paulekman.com/publications/recentbooks/
Paul Ekman and his FACS, METT, and SETT programs/methods.
Between these two authors you basically have everything you need to decode larger body language and finer subtleties of of facial movement.
The Definitive Book of Body Language
If you say hi to a woman on the street and she says "fuck off," then she's a jerk. If you say hi to a lot of women and they all give you the cold shoulder, it's possible you are being creepier than you intend. There are subtle body cues to tell if a person is interested in talking to you. If a woman has her head stuck in a newspaper or cell phone, or if she's walking forward very intently, then she's not interested. Don't even bother saying hello. If she's sitting down and her feet are pointed in your direction and she smiles at you, then maybe go for it. Some men would get rejected a lot less often if they only hit on women they had a chance with.
This book changed my life, although it is a bit gender essentialist. I would recommend it if you believe you have trouble interacting with people.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
The problem with these things is the cherry-picking and hindsight used as (after-the-fact) applications of the knowledge.
I suggest Alan Pease's body language book. It's a great read and doesn't feel like it's trying to impose anything on you.
(Never read nor watch anything that has to do with NLP, FWIW.)
Alter your body language. The Definitive Guide to Body Language does a very good job of pointing out the body language that we all use in different situations; try to consciously choose body language that doesn't match the situation you're in.
A simple but fun experiment would be to stand closer than cultural norms allow and see if you can get a "waltz" going like the author talks about when Japanese folks have standing conversations with Americans.
Dude, you are incredibly lucky that she is willing to tell you this. If you want a quick run down of what she's asking for, try these links:
https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Bad-Boy
https://www.majorleaguedating.com/traits-bad-boys-nice-guys/
When you parse out what they're describing... None of this is actually about being "Bad" or "mean" to people. It's about having self confidence and standing up for yourself.
Here are some book recommendations:
No more Mr Nice Guy: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Models: Attract women through honesty: https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358
What women want when they test men:
https://www.amazon.com/What-Women-Want-When-They/dp/1515234045
The last one is "Sex God Method" by Daniel Rose. You have to pirate it, because on amazon it goes for $750. https://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Method-Daniel-Rose/dp/0557036488
Of all the books, Sex God Method is life changing if you're willing to apply it. This book completely changed my life.
It's not that she wants you to literally be mean, she wants you to stand up to her and stand up for yourself.
She is doing you SUCH a favor by being so honest and up front with you. Seriously. Many guys in your situation just get cheated on, or dumped, or both. Yes, you read that right.
No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great book that explains why if you/anyone are/is interested. This is a actually a very serious and prevalent issue that has an unhealthy influence on both (or more, if kids etc.) people in the relationship.
Dude, please. Read. This. Book. No More Mr. Nice Guy
I highly recommend that you buy and read The Five Love Languages, first separately and then together.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414079703&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+five+love+languages
This book talks about how little resentments can build up over time if your SO is not getting the type of 'love' that they need, and then how to identify and give the other person that type of love. For example, you may think that you are doing a lot for her, but if acts of service is something she responds to, and you're getting her gifts, she will not respond to you the way you would expect. If you are both willing, it is a great start to opening that communication up.
If not, then the next step is actual therapy.
For you first attempt at animation, I thing you did a great job! Definitely a good start.
The storytelling is a bit unclear, it took me a few views to understand exactly what was going on. The main reason it was unclear to me is because up until the end, I didn't really know where the characters were in relationship to one another. A couple ways you could fix this is to have a background in each shot to show where they are in the environment and have a few shot where you see both characters in frame at the same time to show how close/far they are from each other. I would also have an establishing shot at the beginning to show where the story is taking place. I think you are also missing a few key storytelling shots at the beginning that would help clarify that the characters are playing hide and seek. I think you need to show the beginning of the game, where the boy character would be counting and the girl character is starting to hide.
In terms of the animation, I think the constantly changing line color is distracting. I would try to keep it to one color throughout. You could have the boy and girl have different colors, but I wouldn't keep those colors consistent in each shot. I like the loose/rough quality of your drawings, but I think you need to pay more attention to the volume and form of your characters. Your timing and spacing in the animation is quite even as well. Meaning, it looks like everything is moving at the same speed and it is hard to distinguish between fast and slow movements. Timing and spacing are hard to get right, even for people who have been animating for a long time. The only way to improve these skills are to keep animating!
For your first animation, I think you did really well, the more you animate the more you will improve. I think you chose a really complex subject for this animation and suggest you start with some easier animation tests moving forward. I would start off with learning the 12 animation principles and animating some basic stuff like bouncing balls, pendulums, falling leaves, etc. I would recommend buying these books: Animator's Survival Kit and Eric Goldburg's Character Animation Crash Course. You also might want to look in to using software that is designed for animation. It will probably make it easier to see the animation as your working on it instead of exporting out images and putting them together in movie maker. You should check out PAP4, its a simple animation program that is free to download/use.
As far as applying to CalArts, I would really focus on creating a great portfolio with solid life drawing. CalArts wants to see that their prospective students already have solid drawing skills so that you can hit the ground running when you start classes. I would see about taking some local life drawing classes/workshops where you live so you can build up a solid portfolio. While they like to see students with previous experience animating, the portfolio is much more important to getting accepted there. You should check out AnimatedBuzz, its a social community for animators. There are a lot of prospective CalArts students on there who post their work on the forums to get feedback.
Hope this helps. Good luck to you and keep animating :)
First of all r/sfm
A Steam group
Valve official tutorials
These 5 beautiful people:
Zachariah Scott
Jimer Lins
Argodaemon
Thomas Larson (outdated maybe?)
12 principles of animation
Posing
Not SFM but still works
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators (This includes the 12 principles of animation of course) If you want to go this far.
Have you thumbnailed your concept out on paper across several small thumbnails first? It's a lot less intimidating and you'll be less tempted to get caught up in details or such at that stage. Once you have a set of thumbnails for your animation idea, then you can redraw those thumbnails and then start working on getting those set together on their individual key frames and see how it appears. If there isn't enough transition between frames to make it look right, then go back and start drawing the in between frames based on the one before and after. This allows you to go from an overall concept for your animation with quick thumbnailing and then refining into details. We had done animatics back when I was in college and we just had a sheet with small 3 inch thumbnail squares to draw into and were told to write a few lines next to each of them on what was happening at this point of the animation.
For example, I had done a silly training scenario animatic for my class back then and started off with thumbnails, then scanned them and redrew them onto flash frames. Then, added the in between frames to get this silly animatic prototype for my concept and in fairly short time.https://www.deviantart.com/sykotifachan/art/Animatic-Complete-146822334
Also, a good recommendation on animation study material:
https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/
I'm not an animator, it was more a hobby for me, but I studied alongside and worked with animators and this was often used for their studies.
Source: Current storyboard artist, former animator. I also used to teach animation to kids 5-15.
Here's what I would do if I were you. Buy a bunch of blank flipbooks, a 9x12" sketchbook, and this book, Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams: http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;sr=&amp;qid=
Every time it mentions an exercise (such as a bouncing ball), do the exercise. Make the bouncing ball a basketball, a character's head, whatever will make it fun for you.
Also, practice drawing a LOT. Go to life drawing classes. Draw buildings and trees. Draw objects and hands holding objects. Pay attention to form, but also light. Practice drawing your favorite animated characters, but after you've copied a few poses, make sure you're picturing them in 3D and paying attention to proportions. Try to draw them in a pose you've never seen them in.
I've noticed a lot of high schoolers in particular worried about drawing/animation style—which style is correct, which should they draw in, how do they develop their own style. Don't worry about this, your own drawing style will come out naturally as you draw more and more the way you like. It's not terrible to try to imitate Disney, Miyazaki, or anyone else, but it's also not terrible to just do things your way. Try everything. Your style will come out based on how you LIKE to draw.
After you're comfortable with flipbooks and what they call "straight-ahead animation," you'll be ready (and dying to) get an animation peg bar, hole punch, and a light table. Or you can skip this and go to the computer if you want. I think it's important not to start out on the computer, though, as it will make you think like a computer (solid shapes, motion in straight lines) and it will be tougher to learn to animate organically. You'll have put yourself on a path to being a great motion-graphics-designer, but a tough path for an animator.
Don't worry about sound yet. In a real studio you wouldn't be recording the sound anyway. Once you feel comfortable animating and ready to get into characters talking, take a few lines from a movie and animate different characters over it.
PM me if you want more details or have questions about any of it.
Getting good at drawing is like getting in shape: sadly there's no easy way to do it other than to be disciplined and work hard at it every day. Enroll in a figure drawing class. Ask friends to sit for you for 2/5/10/20 minute poses. Draw from life as much as possible, anywhere. Go to a cafe and do a big panoramic spread of the whole room. Go to an art store and buy a bunch of different drawing materials; don't just draw with pencil. Get some pens, force yourself to draw without an eraser. Look at the masters like Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Ingres or contemporary artists like Alex Katz and David Hockney. Look at what techniques they're using with their figures, what kind of lines, how do they render volume. Copy from them and steal from them. Pick a new artist every week and try out drawing like them. The most important thing: draw all the time, draw everything you see. You won't get better unless you do it all the time. If you keep it up for even six months, you'll notice a big change, and it will make jumping into animation much easier (you'll know how to do perspective, pose characters, rotates volumes in your head, etc).
Here are a couple of animation specific drawing books that you might find useful/inspiring: Drawn to Life http://www.amazon.com/Drawn-Life-Classes-Stanchfield-Lectures/dp/0240810961/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1449817164&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=drawn+from+life // The Animators Survival Kit (mostly an animation book, but opens with a great chapter about drawing) http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1449817420&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=animation+survival+kit
I know it’s depression and not alcoholism, but I’ve found this really helpful in my life and it may help you too: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf
I’d strongly recommend reading the book “codependent no more” https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
I have a book I'd like you to read. It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was suggested to me by my ex's therapist, when I joined him in a therapy session and ended up sobbing. It helped me see things from a different perspective and gave me strength I didn't know I had. The book drastically improved my life and it only took a few days to read. Here it is on Amazon. I was skeptical at first because:
and,
But, read it. It all makes sense once you get into it, and I really think your situation will hugely improve if you do. It's just a book, so worst case scenario, you don't gain anything from it but another book to add to the list of books you've read. Best case scenario, your life is changed for the better.
Here it is on Overdrive, you can see if it is available at your local library or even in e-book form.
Edit Actually, I found the e-book online for free (actually it is a free 4-title bundle of her books, but it includes the one I am recommending) so I downloaded it to my Dropbox account. I'll PM you the link so you can just click the link and read it. If anyone else wants to read the book, PM me and I'll send you the link too.
Agree 100% with the above. Suggest reading Codependant No More as well. Good luck. Keep your chin up.
In my personal couple's counseling, our counselor has recommended two books so far: Codependent No More
and
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No
These are both specific to our particular issues, but maybe you could find some use :) Good luck!
>...it's a lonely world without parents.
This is true, but it's still a better world than one with toxic parents.
If you haven't read it already, I highly recommend Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy". It was very helpful for me in understanding that I was justified in cutting off contact with my parents, and that my life is better without them in it.
You are doing the right thing by kicking this guy out. It's the right thing for you, and also the right thing for him. In an odd way, kicking him out could be doing him a favor. He will have to face the full consequences of his alcoholism. It may force him to deal with his problem sooner.
You've gone above and beyond to help someone, now take care of yourself.
FWIW, this is a common scenario for people who grew up with toxic parents. (Be they alcoholic, addict, abusive, or similar.) We tend to feel a responsibility to take care of everything and fix everything, sometimes to our own detriment. There are two good books about the subject you may be interested in:
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
Absolutely agree with your OP.
I love a particular line from the book, Toxic Parents - Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward:
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/184-7522076-7159906?ie=UTF8&amp;*Version*=1&amp;*entries*=0
She wrote in that book of a therapist who worked with victims of narcissistic or violent or bipolar or abusive parents, who said:
"If I could give one gift to my clients, it would be that they would have the courage to leave their [destructive & dysfunctional] parents to their fate."
add this to your xmas list for you and your fiance
My mother was a narcissist. Key examples: I was diagnosed with a likely congenital heart condition and at the time of diagnosis we didn't know any prognosis and I was actively in heart failure. She asked me to never discuss it because it was too stressful for her. A year later she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had an excellent prognosis. She called constantly wanting to talk about her condition and at one point became angry with me because I was not willing to tattoo a pink ribbon on my body (for many reasons largely surrounding the sham that is Susan G Komen and Pinkwashing) and declared me a bad daughter.
She was physically abusive, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive. In high school she hit me, then told my father she would divorce him for intervening and stopping her from hitting me further, and manipulated him into telling me that I had to apologize to her for making her made at me and if I did not I could go to foster care for all he cared and if they did get divorced he definitely wouldn't try to pursue custody of me since that divorce would be my fault. She was still snooping through my things when I was in my thirties when she only had authorization to be in my house to let my dog out. She disowned me because I told her she wasn't very nice to me, and had my father call twenty minutes later to permanent ban me from their house, but four days later pretended nothing happened and expected me to bring her a bag of hot dog buns at work.
With the help of some books I'd been reading I had worked up the nerve to go No Contact and I used the disowning as my springboard to enforce my terms. I made my conditions for future contact clear - she needed to attend anger management; then we needed family counseling. She spent a few years randomly reaching out and pretending nothing had happened - when I would point out my conditions, she would blow up at me. She doesn't know where I live, what my phone number is, and she won't for as long as I live as far as I am concerned. She tracked down my husband this year and he blocked her without hesitation, then told me what had happened. I was full on shaking with this weird mix of fear and anger. She just cannot let it go.
There is a huge, clear difference between Narcicisstic personality disorder and Bipolar. Bipolar means you are depressed and you are manic. My mother never displayed either condition. But she was manipulative, abusive, and everything always circled back to her. It was always about her. She would bitch you out for not making any money and hassle you about applying for a better job, and once you did, she would become angry at you for making more money than she did and needle you to tell her just how much more money you were making because don't you think you're so fucking great. All my friends had parents that went beyond simply tolerating their existence and for years I blamed myself for not being good enough for my parents approval, but the more I read about narcissistic parents the more I realized I could be Bill Gates with billions of dollars and tons of power and I would still be cut down to size by my mother for making her look bad (in her eyes). In the end the No Contact order was the smartest thing I ever did. I have my life back. I feel like the first 31 years of my life are finished and I get a do-over.
If you came from an abusive or narcissistic home, I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
DO IT.
Also read this book, it will help you sort through the baggage they've inevitably saddled you with.
r/niceguys is that way
srs man. Read this book.
Stop whatever it is you're doing and read this book
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
That's a really good one. I also read How to talk to anyone which is along the same lines.
The book that started my FA awareness and journey of self improvement was No more mr nice guy
Yep, Visualization did jack shit for me too. I've read many self-help books, and so far the only ones that have helped me were those written by scientists who have researched their field for a long time, and people recommend them, that also had practical exercises in them. Very specific, but that's the truth. Here's a list:
All the rest, including positive psychology and Tony Robbins and all that jazz, didn't help me none.What area in your life do you want to improve?
No Mr Nice Guy is better than Models at first. Because it focuses more on the person in general. Unlike Models, which is oriented toward girls more.
I'd recommend reading a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It helped me a lot with reconcile a break-up that really left me as a shell of my former self. Maybe it'll help you out too.
Hello me?
I'm currently going through some major reevaluation of how I relate to my wife and others. I never thought about the religious angle, but now it makes more sense. I didn't have the typical childhood that precipitates a passive-aggressive personality.
For anybody who is interesting in changing this sort of behavior, check out No More Mr Nice Guy. It's not really about being tough, but rather getting in touch with your emotions and finding real intimacy.
I have no relationship to this book but it helped me understand exactly what you are talking about here. You are doing things to try to have sex with your wife. Stop, do things to make yourself more attractive to others. If she doesn't come around then she never will and if not you will be in a better position to move on.
Also, you are correct pressure is the enemy. You need to restart the honeymoon and stop being seen as a needy man that needs his penis played with (I know, harsh, but it made an impact on me too).
http://smile.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
Pro tip, there is no master guide that will fix your life. Find what works and fits, discard the rest.
You are way too inside your head about your situation. Stop thinking and start doing. I know it sounds like a cliche non-helpful response, but you know what needs to be done.
Next, fix your health and fitness. If you are over weight, fuck running, join a gym and start doing HIIT workouts. Eat clean, cut fast foods out, if you drink soda switch to diet ONLY, up your water intake, start counting calories. Apps like MyFitnessPal help with calorie counting.
Start reading. For you, I would recommend 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' by Robert Glover. Read the side bar, read all related subreddits.
As for your social situation, start going out alone. If you make your life interesting, people will become interested in you. Only you can fix the non-negotiable side of the transaction, up your SMV, up your attitude and outlook.
Counseling or coaching may be an approach for you also. Get what ever tools you need to crush life.
Remember, habits are hard to form. One day at a time.
A book that gets recommended around here often is No More Mr Nice Guy. The tl;dr is that being a pushover awards you nothing, especially in a relationship.
What happens is that if the woman starts cutting off sex because she’s “not in the mood” that a hard thing to argue against. Can’t expect you to want sex if you’re “not in the mood.” Well then, what would put you in the mood? She rattles off things she wants, he bends over backwards to accommodate them. But not only does this not create sexual desire, it lowers his standing in her eyes, as now he’s become her “errand boy” as you put it.
Or, to put it another way...
A: I want you to do this. It will make our relationship better.
B: Okay, I did it.
A: I love and respect you less now because you did it.
There are a lot of other concepts at play, but it basically reinforces the idea that women fundamentally want strong, leader-type men, even if verbally she says otherwise.
"Givers have to set limits because Takers will not".
-Some Reddit user a while back.
If you don't set limits and boundaries for yourself, no one else will.
There are two books that have helped me deal with similar tendencies. When I Say No I Feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both are very good books based on sound psychological premises, as opposed to other books I read that were theology based. As a side note, theological books may help some people, they just didn't fit for me. I wanted books based on observation and scientific study.
More to the point, they help in identifying where you need boundaries and communication techniques and styles to help navigate the conversation smoothly away from those topics.
It's not necessarily an age issue, it's just personal boundaries but those are changed and updated with age. Since many people can view a passive person as someone to be taken advantage of, they target them and as we get older we typically acquire more resources that other people want. So more hands come out trying to take what you've earned.
It's shitty to have some of the closest people in your life trying to take what's yours, if you'll give it up. This will also mean that you're going to have some hard decisions about who will remain in your life. If the 'takers' cannot stop and be decent self sufficient human beings you'll have to cut loose of them. Some people of value may be cut loose, and in the end, it'll probably be better for both of you that way.
Good luck
for women specifically
here is a link bomb directly related to what you asked
(article collections)
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/tag/talking-to-women-2/
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/category/meeting-women/
(individual pages)
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-to-approach-women/all/1/
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-to-approach-women-during-the-day/
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/more-places-to-meet-women/all/1/
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/ask-dr-nerdlove-can-i-meet-women-on-the-job/
https://kotaku.com/ask-dr-nerdlove-help-im-hopeless-with-women-and-i-ha-1721137430
&nbsp;
https://markmanson.net/its-complicated
https://markmanson.net/attract-women
https://markmanson.net/still-single
---
and my favorite of MM
https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes
&nbsp;
http://postmasculine.com/understanding-neediness
https://markmanson.net/power-in-vulnerability
http://postmasculine.com/a-note-on-vulnerability/comment-page-1
https://markmanson.net/vulnerability
http://postmasculine.com/the-pain-period/comment-page-1
http://postmasculine.com/improving-quickly
https://markmanson.net/manipulative-relationships
https://markmanson.net/psycho
https://markmanson.net/amazing-person
https://markmanson.net/one-trait
&nbsp;
https://markmanson.net/the-dismal-state-of-flirting-in-english-speaking-cultures
---
here are some resources for your perusing
these books
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0762415339/ No More Mr Nice Guy
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1463750358/ Models
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0996487115/ New Game +
i found these websites the most useful
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/
https://markmanson.net/
&nbsp;
(i know it looks like i'm advertising him or something but this seems best targeted for what i assume you're looking for. step by step guides, he instructs you how to go outside and talk to people etc...)
i personally have yet to take it, but i've read so many of his articles, read his HTNGAF book and trust him as as source, and will take his courses as a self therapy for SA
Mark Manson offers courses for social related stuff, including the romantic kind, i found at the bottom he offers a $4 USD monthly subscription for all of them instead of buying them individually (which is probably the option i'm going to choose)
https://markmanson.net/courses
I wouldn't say he needs that sub. However, he should probably read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Based on his responses in this thread, OP sounds like a doormat who goes out of his way to avoid confrontation. Reading that book might help him grow a spine and start standing up for himself.
If you decide to go the DIY route, I'd buy 2 copies of The 5 Love Languages and immerse yourself in /r/personalfinance
Girl, yes! I wish women (including myself) would not internalize their man's faults. Gah!
His words aren't supportive nor kind to the woman he is in a relationship with. If OP believes this is worth having a conversation over then I would say something like:
Hey, sometimes when you say (insert here) it makes me feel like (insert here). I'm not used to communicating like this especially in a relationship. Can you be more mindful in your language? (he may become defensive. Quickly remind him that you aren't judging rather asking him to communicate your language (see Love Languages for further information))
My spouse is very sarcastic and jokes a lot. Sometimes he can be hurtful. In those moments, I take a deep breath and explain to him in a very casual tone.
PM me if you need to vent.
So there's lots of things that could be going on here. First off, it is good to keep in mind that it is almost inevitable that couples will have less sex overtime vs when they started out. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is more like evolving into becoming intimate in a wider variety of ways.
Your boyfriend might be uninterested in sex because of being desensitized from consuming too much porn. If your boyfriend is truly addicted to porn and therefore so overstimulated that physical sex pales in comparison, he might benefit from seeing a sex therapist, although indulging in an occasional half hour porn session is hardly abnormal for men, so keep that in mind. If he is very introverted, he could even be using the porn as an excuse to have some personal time with himself. Genuine porn addiction is more like watching porn every moment he thinks he can get away with it, even when it is very risky for him to do so, like at work or on a public computer.
If he avoids sex because of anxiety, he might benefit from seeing an anxiety specialist. Some people really want to have sex but don't go through with it because their anxiety is so intense that they begin to panic. If he is so anxious that he wants to have sex but simply can't initiate, then you may just have to accept that that's gonna have to be your job if you want to have sex with him. Also, people with social anxiety don't just have difficulty initiating sex, they tend to have difficulty initiating anything social, so that may or may not be why he doesn't ask you out on dates or perform gestures of affection like buying flowers. Then again, people express affection in different ways, and gifts or acts of service might not be a way that he does. There is an excellent book about this called 'The 5 love languages'. Or maybe he just doesn't care, period, who knows.
If he has neither of these issues, than he may just not be particularly interested in physical sex. Some men are like that, contrary to practically every pop culture narrative. For someone to be occasionally but usually not interested in sex is known as gray-asexuality, and it's not a moral failing on either of your part, it's just how some people are. Some people are asexual because of being the victim of abuse, some are like that because they are so introverted that they don't feel comfortable sharing their most private feelings an sensations with others, and some are like that for no apparent reason at all. It's not his fault if he's just not interested in sex, and it's not your fault if that doesn't work for you either. Sometimes people with normal sex drives who date asexual people enter into polyamorous relationships, where it is acknowledge that one person simply isn't meeting the other person's sexual needs, so the asexual person consents to their partner having sexual relationships with other people. This requires a great deal of trust between the partners for that kind of arrangement to have any success, and isn't for everyone, but it's potentially an option.
Personally, I probably have all of the above issues to some degree, and I am much more comfortable having sex where I can take on a completely passive role, such as receiving a blow job or using the cowgirl position. We have vaginal sex about once a month, and when we do, I pull out after a few minutes because I get overwhelmed by anxiety. It makes me sad to know that my partner sometimes often feels unsatisfied that I often refuse to initiate sex or have it at all, and she also has essentially stopped trying to initiate with me do to the pain of often being rejected (that's a feeling women aren't as accustomed to due to sexual norms), but she has come to accept for the most part that it's an issue with me, not her, and we connect so well in other ways that we appreciate the sex that we do have as much as we can because she knows I really am trying to connect with and satisfy her as much as I can, even though it wouldn't seem like it at first glance.. She now tries to have sex with me in a way that acknowledges my limitations, which often is as low-intensity as light touching or watching porn together. When I am ready for something more intense than that, I initiate.
Then again, your boyfriend might just take you for granted and expect you to service him without providing any reciprocation or even appreciation in return. Some men have the disgusting belief that that kind of behavior is the only way they can get a woman to respect him. If that is the case than he probably won't understand how stupid and counterproductive that is until someone sets some boundaries and stands up to him.
Whatever your boyfriend's situation is, him telling you that you are overreacting because your needs aren't being met is completely inappropriate. If you are equal partners, then your needs should matter to him, and if they don't then he shouldn't expect you to do anything at all to satisfy his needs. It's normal to have needs, and if someone else can't meet them they at least shouldn't put you down for having them.
Also, he might just be done with the relationship and acting coldly could be a passive aggressive way of communicating that.
So the rub is that there are any number of things that could actually be going on with your boyfriend, so what you're going to need to do in any case is talk to your boyfriend and find out what's actually going on. He might have one or multiple of the issues I suggested, or none, or something I didn't think of, but you well never know if you don't ask. If he isn't open to talking about that stuff (it can be hard, that's extremely personal stuff), than I would suggest seeing a relationship therapist together, they can work wonders for helping people learn how to communicate the important stuff that goes unsaid. He also might not know what is going on either. Many people have so little understanding of their own emotions that they couldn't even tell you what they are feeling if they wanted to, and a relationship therapist can help with that as well.
I use Amazon reviews before buying any book.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Spanish-Edition/dp/080241270X
Reviews look good. Ask her if she read it, as it seems the purpose of the book is understanding how other people want to be loved. As such, if you choose to read it, she should read it too.
Generally you don't. But if you really want to try Here is the book that will give you the best advice.
I used to be your husband. I was addicted to those machines and ended up with essentially hundreds of this stuffed animals. Its essentially gambling and I had a problem. In my mind, it was cloaked as gifting out of love, but was really an issue with how I viewed my relationship with my daughter. Growing up, my family showed me love by buying me things. This is going to sound strange, but I would reccomend having both you and your husband read The 5 Love Languages. It helped me understand that there are ways to show affection without gifting items. It was my preferred method of saying "I love you," but it was causing us to drown in clutter. It also helped me realize that I was using my family as an excuse to shop.
It is a very difficult balance, but there will need to be some sort of work recognizing that things do not equate to love and love does not mean things. Be prepared for the long haul, but also recognize that your husband is liking doing this out of love. It feels great to win something "special" for your own child. I still break down sometimes - just this month, I took my daughter to the fair and she convinced me to "win" some stuffed animals. She carries them everywhere and sleeps with them. I know this will pass, but its a very warming things to see. Sorry for the wall of text.
One of the ills of cult-thinking is that you're encouraged to think in black-and-white. THESE people are good, and THOSE are bad. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS is good; EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT is bad.
Life ain't that way. And not just in regard to cults.
One of my sisters was married to her first husband for 17 years. After she left she adopted an attitude that everything about that marriage was wrong (and very much that he was at fault for it). She presented it as a wholly horrible experience. But I clearly remember how much she was in love with him. As "flower girl" at the wedding, I saw (and was inspired by) her expression as she came down the aisle. I learned a lot of healthy things about marriage by watching the two of them together (which I needed, because our parents' marriage was not a good one). Even if things went downhill between my sister and her husband (for reasons I later realized were an example of The 5 Love Languages -- a useful set of guidelines that appear nowhere in Scn), there was joy. And by refusing it, she was refusing an admirable part of herself.
> "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -- Mark Twain
Seriously, it sounds like you are more than pulling your weight. You work 90 hours per week and you clean up around the house and notice her.
Maybe you have insecurities of your own to deal with? Why do you not think you are measuring up? Do you feel like you aren’t good enough for some reason? Deal with that stuff first. And just fyi - most people feel inadequate/unlovable to some degree. It’s important to get that lie out of your mind.
To fully express how much you love your wife, you need to do it in “her language.” Read the 5 love languages: https://amzn.to/34p8kiz. It’s a famous book so should be available at your library.
Read this book. The Five Love Languages. Seriously. Basically, in the book, Gary Chapman details the importance of understanding your love language,your spouse's love language and how the two interact with one another. Great read for those in committed relationships.
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
By thinking about this too much, you make it unnecessarily complicated. If you aren't planning on marrying this woman (which sounds like an AWFUL idea) then get rid of her. It's easy to get complacent in life, especially with a partner and that can lead you to waste years of your life in a dead end situation. Break up, work on your issues, and then try again with someone else.
The psychopath will try to manipulate the INTJ like they do everyone else. The INTJ will be too self-absorbed and/or uninterested, and brush aside the psychopath with a lot of "no's" and "that's nice" (LOL). The psychopath will get angry and frustrated. The INTJ at this point will still not know they're dealing with a psychopath. They just think this person is perhaps a little strange.
If the INTJ is lucky it will end there. These psychopath "things" are unbelievable. Horrific. They are like viruses or alien beings. If the INTJ is unlucky (if they are in a vulnerable position, are weak, or insecure) the psychopath will devastate their lives. A lot of people who are psychopath victims will suffer lasting psychological trauma and deteriorate physically. They are so good at mimicking humans it can take years to detect one.
Here are some books I recommend from best to least best (they are all good):
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467947734&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=martha+stout
https://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467947736&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=psychopath+hare
https://www.amazon.com/Mask-Sanity-So-Called-Psychopathic-Personality/dp/1614277826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467947784&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mask+of+sanity+cleckley
Yeps. Staying single is going to be the best option. Try to find happiness inside yourself. It helps you a lot through life.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that to get to that point. There's a psychopath.free website in case you're interested. I'm really, really sorry.
I hope at least you are cleared of the infection now and physically healthy. It's a good idea to build yourself up first. But, as a part of the build-up, I recommend you to read this:
Website (wonderful):
https://www.psychopathfree.com/
Books:
https://www.amazon.es/Psychopath-Free-Emotionally-Relationships-Narcissists/dp/0425279995/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=581FVXY7XHNKKZ253RSN
https://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510
https://www.amazon.es/Sociopath-Next-Door-Ruthless-versus/dp/0767915828/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=N54Z9CMYAWS29Z7Z85CB
https://www.amazon.es/Empathy-Trap-Understanding-Antisocial-Personalities/dp/1847092764/ref=pd_sim_14_3?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=N54Z9CMYAWS29Z7Z85CB
Sorry if I am meddling. I hope you get better, and I hope at least your body is OK now. I really wish you a good return to physical and emotional health. And yes, best thing you can do is learn to live on your own and be happy that way. Maybe when you get to that point someone worthy will appear but... don't count on it. Not everyone is worthy, not everyone is marriage-material, or even long term relationship material, so not everyone can get a married happy-ever after. BUT, everyone can get a happy-ever after if they focus on getting it without depending on other people's decisions.
Definitely red flags all over the place.
Read the book: the sociopath next door
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=mp_s_a_1_1/140-5850095-7001116?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1541522199&amp;sr=1-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=the+sociopath+next+door&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51DK1joLPxL&amp;ref=plSrch
In it, the author says the #1 thing to look for is someone who wants you to pity them!!
Sounds like this guy has you sticking around out of pity! That’s dangerous. Plus, you are compliant to him: he is looking for that (whether consciously or unconsciously).
You said it back to him “I love you as much as I can right now”.
He knows he can set the pace and you will just follow along with it. That is also dangerous!
From reading your story, it sounds like all he has to do is tell you another sad story, and you’ll stick around to “rescue “ him and help him feel better.
I can’t say he is a sociopath, I’m just saying he sounds like bad news bears !
Be careful! Remember that he can say whatever he wants to say, and you can choose how you feel about him, .... don’t do anything out of pity or guilt for him, because a healthy relationship is never driven by these two emotions. Whether he is dangerous or not, you don’t want to base any relationship on these two emotions.
This doesn’t sound like a good relationship to me, whether or not he is dangerous. Also, you said he doesn’t seem to have many friends, and hasn’t dated in a While .... well, why is that? Sounds like he doesn’t know how to cultivate healthy relationships. Also sounds like he has a victim mentality which is sooooo unattractive. I wouldn’t stick around for whatever he is going to do next.
If you are looking for a line to get out, just say, “I wish you luck in your relationships and your future endeavors, but I’m no longer available to hang out. “
You don’t need to tell him why. You don’t owe him an explanation.
Edit: also, you said you feel something is off about this guy. Pay attention to your instincts! It sounds like something is off.
I have been doing a lot of self reflection, and I had the same thing to be attracted to needy cluster b types. I chased a narc for years, begging for scraps of attention. After my recent divorce, all I can say is, I am to blame for getting into the relationship and staying. Read this https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=codependent&qid=1567971717&s=gateway&sr=8-3 , and also work on meditation and finding yourself, ask yourself why aren't you enough for you, why is there a drive for another to complete you.
Codpendent No More by Melody Beattie
The one and only book I've read. It was very helpful for me.
First of all, congratulations on six months sober! Congratulations on the four year stretch before your last relapse. You say some things that are unkind about yourself and addicts in general (the notion that they are “selfish” and...I don’t want to disagree with you to hard here, since that is the received wisdom...but let me try to reframe it a bit: you have made a commitment to getting and staying sober, and that is a set of skills that is going to see you through, whether you have reached your last relapse or not.) You are also incredibly brave to put this out there, and your parents are extremely loving and patient with you (and themselves!) They don’t make themselves out to be victims, nor do they treat you as a villain who has fucked up their plans...that is what support looks like, and you are extremely lucky to have them). This is a long video, but I watched all of it, and it seemed to pass in about two minutes. It’s chock full of good advice, and anyone here who has a problem, but is afraid to tell those who are close to them should seriously consider sitting down with their loved ones to watch it together. I wanted to make some bullet points for anyone who doesn’t have the time and inclination to view all of this, because there is so much good advice here for family members who know someone who is struggling with addiction, so:
On a personal note, I felt a lot of emotion toward the end when you told your parents that you love them, they told you that they love you, and you hugged at the end. You have suffered enormously for your addiction. I believe that you are going to make it because you have this kind of support system.
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On a polemical note, I watched Dr. Phil do what is essentially an intervention a few days ago. He had an alcoholic grandmother with two disgusted daughters who decided to cut her out of their lives because she wouldn’t admit she has a problem (but would admit that “she likes drinking”). It makes for great ratings, but is the absolute wrong thing to do. This woman is probably going to drink herself to death, and if she doesn’t she is going to drink herself to continued misery...which she won’t feel, and that’s why she drinks! Your parents are the other side of the coin. They didn’t give up or shun you because of your problems. They saw your problem as their problem. They gave you love and support in ways that are appropriate (your dad had lunch with you, even when you were dirty and smelly, and he told you that he loved you no matter what). You have a strong foundation for loving yourself, and you are extremely lucky to have two parents who are that loving. I’m impressed with what you chose to do with that love.
"And through all this he has never thanked me. He doesn't even act like he cares that this past year was hard for me as well. At times he seems to actually resent me. We never spend time together, he doesn't go out of his way to help me in any capacity."
Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. But people show you who they are, especially in tough times. He has shown you who he is. Your desire to change him, to "fix this" is a sign of codependancy. Please read up on codependancy, especially the book http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025 . Go to your local libary and read.
You can't change him, he has to want to change himself and he has to work hard on changing himself, and that will require years of therapy and hard work on his part, and lots of suffering on your part.
He's toxic. You're suffering because of him. Why don't you walk away? What do you, realistically, have to lose? The relationship seems really one sided and toxic. You seem like a very caring, lovely person, who he has been taking advantage of. Why don't you take off some time from relationships, work on yourself and then find someone who will treat you much better?
I also encourage you to read, for future relationships, "5 languages of love" and "His needs, her needs". It will help you and your future partner, someone who will care for you and treat you much better, to have a very happy relationship.
Please, break up with him and set yourself free.
If you want to talk more, I strongly urge you to post here ->talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/ .
Also, send me a message or reply here if you want to talk more.
Best wishes
Seriously go to the book store right now, buy this book and read it.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
Read this! There are free PDFs available if you know where to look as well (I had no qualms against downloading; Dale Carnegie died in 1955). The title kind of makes it sound like a sleezy self help book, but it is actually excellent and extremely useful. His number one step for "Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking" is the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Numbers eight and nine? Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. and Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Make friends first, then find a girl.
I believe you're starting off on the wrong foot. He could read a self help book. He could read a million, won't do him any good till he takes action. If he truly is depressed, unmotivated, etc, then he needs to start changing his life starting with himself. Start eating healthy. Start working out, at the very least running, get blood flowing through the whole body, get the mind working. Have him kick start a hobby of his that he loves. Clean your home, your life, the clutter.
Everyone in this life is always looking for the key, for that "something" that will make that click and have everything become the way they want it to be. Most don't realize that that "key" is as simple and yet as difficult as an entire shift in a mentality, which in my opinion can be started with what I stated above. And most importantly, you can't do it for him. All you can do is support, but only he can do it for himself.
Oh, and if you really want some book, a lot of us here recommend this: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1373087727&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+make+friends+and+influence+people. Seems appropriate for what you're asking for. Good luck.
Keep in mind that being poly is not just about having sex, and definitely not about just having sex with strangers.
You can be poly and never end up in bed with a strange person. Or even never be in a threesome
A good start is to get educated. Check out http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X - it may clear up some misconceptions for you. There's also faq in the sidebar.
Hey!
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.
Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.
We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.
This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.
Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.
Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&amp;dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237
I would still recommend getting the book "Opening Up". I know you said you aren't interested in an open relationship, but the thing is, you seem to be assuming that there are only two options: open or not-open, but the reality is that "anything you can think of" is a genuine relationship option.
Of Opening Up: "Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships"
This is very useful mostly because it helps you to break through the standard assumption that there is monogamy and open, and it is either all or nothing. This isn't true at all, and there are infinite ways to arrange your relationship.
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
Let the downvotes come, but why is asking someone to be in an open relationship a bad thing? I am an open relationship and it is the single best relationship I have had. It seems like you have already decided to be lonely and single, but if you love her why not do some research? Opening Up and /r/NonMonogamy are good places to start.
It isn't easy and it is not for everyone, but there are other option besides getting stoned and feeling sorry for yourself.
EDIT: Reading back my last sentence sounds a bit more harsh then I intended. Don't get me wrong, when I am feeling down the first thing I do is pack a bowl and grab a controller. I just wanted to be contstructive.
Good luck!
To sound like a bot - I really suggest you all read the BASIC FAQ and INTRO stuff at www.morethantwo.com
And if you're into books, some options include:
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
You can start by reading this article he wrote for free: Fuck Yes Or No
But, ultimately, no book is as good as plain old personal experience. You need to get out there and just try. Learn, through trial and error, what works best for you and what doesn't.
Check this book out:
https://www.amazon.ca/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1500817835&amp;sr=8-5&amp;keywords=book+models
Highly recommended
did you talk to each other about opening your relationship at all?
It's not the answer for everyone, but if sex is of such low value to you personally, and is of high value for him, it's a potential way to structure your relationship that keeps you both happy.
If you are at all interested, I suggest you both read The Ethical Slut together.
for girls/relationships, try models by mark manson. here's the amazon link with reviews here
Basically it's a lot of the pick up and seduction community distilled into it's core content.
Cut through all the gimmicks and "lines". Be honest with yourself of what you want in your life and go after it. Don't fear failure and don't sell yourself short. It's a very honest look at male-female attraction and I think it gives a lot of value beyond random encouragement that some books give.
I encourage people to buy it, as Mark has done some great work in the community and we should all support him for it. You can get it on Amazon here.
Have you guys seen one of the main books they (the PUA community anyway) are reading now?
I'd be curious about how it comes across, since it's supposed to be about authenticity (ie: not lying to get laid)
Women can sense insecurity in men so amazingly well. Women aren't turned off by your acne, they're turned off by how you perceive your acne. If you perceive that girls will be turned off by your acne and never flirt with you then that is exactly what they will do. One thing I've noticed is that with my own skin, however I perceive people to react to it is exactly how they will.
Trust me myself and many friends have went through periods of severe acne. My best friend had over 30 zits on his face (we counted) at a party and still managed to get a girls number and ultimate hook up with her. Why? Because he embraced his acne and stopped letting it rule his life and emotions. Once I let this notion that acne is a bad thing go my life improved so much. Girls started paying attention to me and I was so much happier. My skin actually got worse because I started partying more because people started liking me more. I didn't give a shit. And now that I'm older and my skin has cleared up nothing has changed. My skin cleared up actually pretty rapidly. Did girls start noticing me more? Hell no. Nothing changed. Because acne in the physical form is nothing, but when you let it dictate your emotions you start the sad cycle I think you're in. You begin saying, "If only my skin were better I would have X,Y,Z." Or my favorite, "She rejected me because of my skin." I used to fucking say that. And then one day I realized something. Why the fuck would I ever want to be with a girl that rejected me on the fact I have bad skin.
Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24
It sounds like you're getting rejected before you even get a chance to establish your intent.
This is a wholly different problem than getting rejected after stating/establishing intent. Hell, you getting rejected itself is the only part of your question that matters.
I think this takes a lot about figuring out your approach. Judging by your past posts, you're new to all this and need to really find your footing in regards to the dating world. There are several components to doing this. For starters, note that being her friend is a different endgame than being her romantic partner. They are, 99% of the time, mutually exclusive. Disney and romcoms have brainwashed you into believing they overlap, but they don't. Get that shit out of your head. Here are some other tips.
tips for smooth speech
talk with a deeper voice
proper posture
mensfashion subreddit
fitness subreddit
stronglifts 5x5 - for both routine and nutrition
headspace
meditation subreddit
"what to say" post
Models by Mark manson
the shit test encyclopedia
resources exist for all of these things - I've tried to link the relevant ones but reddit's linking system takes forever. There's more as you dive into every topic.
This covers the basics. I may just make this a post at this point, but this should give you more focus on building yourself into an attractive person. Good luck bro.
edits for formatting
I was about to post the same comment, but instead I'll just post a link to it on Amazon.
> In talking about these things I have made comments that have not pleased her, and she says she feels smothered and controlled.
This, like /u/cobalt_bella said, is text-book avoidant. You are both growing closer and closer but at some point, there comes a time when things become too close and a withdrawal/distancing starts. This commonly plays out with avoidants finding faults in their partner and magnifying them such that they focus on that instead of the good things they like about their partner. These faults are a way to put a damper on their relationship so that feeling of vulnerability and dependence lessens.
Also, five months seems about what I've personally experienced in my struggles with avoidance.
This one?
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_v2KJDbC7S3HCT
Attached
Read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_t46YBbDXF9AKV
If anyone's interested in learning more about attachment styles, this book had a big impact on the way I approach relationships and I kind of think everyone could benefit from reading it
I just found this subreddit today and it feels so nice to be around people who think in the same way! My counselor told me about "Attached" and I couldn't put it down when I read it. You will understand a little more about this when you read it, but I realized I'm an anxious type and I had a pattern of dating avoidants, which was a terrible time. My bf now is secure and everything is so much more stable and he's able to reassure my insecurities, though it seemed less exciting at first. Here's a link to the book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I wonder if this might be anxious attachment on your part. One of the parts of anxious attachment can be that, when you feel your partner pulling back a tiny bit, even if it's for good reason (like sleep, work, illness), you panic a bit and pull back yourself, in anticipation of rejection.
So if this sounds about right, maybe try reading the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment for insight.
I highly recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Roadmap-Relationship-Pioneers/dp/1587613379.
My copy is signed personally by the author and had been a great introduction. I may not be poly anymore, however this book helped me to navigate poly better.
The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle--from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.
"I couldn't stop reading it, and I for one identify as an ethical slut. This is a book for anyone interested in creating more pleasure in their lives . . . a complete guide to improving any style of relating, from going steady to having an extended family of sexual friends." --Betty Dodson, PhD, author of Sex for One
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
Feeling Good: A New Mood Therapy
Change Your Thinking
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^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly&nbsp;bot
Fuck. FUCK. 'Demons', I've just read your post, and every comment that followed, and I've gotta say this to you, and to every single one of you. I can relate. Hugely. I just feel like I'm now at the other side, looking back.
I only joined Reddit a couple of months ago having finally 'got' it, and am slowly building my subscriptions; Funny, WTF, world news, etc. I am very new to FA. I joined because my last girlfriend was 7 years ago and I'm not a womanising creep, thus ForeverAlone.
I am 38 in a month but here's the thing - I feel, finally, like I got comfortable in my own skin only a year or two ago. Everything kinda congealed into me and it 'only' took three and a half decades.
When I was in my early twenties, I was a potsmoking, over-eager mess. I was a try-hard, an amiable buffoon, an idiot. That is because during those adult-forming years, 15,16,17, etc, I was truly alone. I literally had no friends. I was fat and bullied in school. Demons, you say "Even if I were to be designated as the bitch of the group, I'd much rather be included in a clique than excluded." Trust me, you don't. I thought these schoolkids were my friends - after all, they were all I had - but they had no interest in me beyond having me around to make them feel better about themselves. After school, I never saw any of them again. (I did call, but no-one wanted to hang out. I quickly got the message.) This was 1990. Years later, when fucking Facebook appeared, I found them and was about to add them as friends until I saw pictures of the vacation to Spain they went on straight after school, and my heart dropped; It took about 15 years to realise they never invited me... but I digress. The point is being the bitch of any group is NOT acceptable.
After school, I was ForeverAlone with a vengeance. If FA existed then - fuck, there wasn't even The Internet - I would've cried tears of joy although nothing would've changed on the ground and I still would've locked myself indoors (particularly over those lonely weekends), atrophying and not 'developing'.
What changed for me was University. (I'm British, and not sure of the US equivalent term. College? I was 18-21). I took a course 100 miles from home and arrived with literally zero friends in my life (I called this my secret shame). It took a while. It was still awkward. But the friends I made were based on something stronger than those immature and critical fuckers I was at school with and, 20 years on, 95% of my friends today are those Uni guys, or their friends.
BUT... I do have a point. There is no perfect. Neither is there some idyllic, Leave it to Beaver childhood and family unit that is the only way to springboard from into the perfect life. We are all fucked-up mammals with our own insecurities and dreams and desires. There is no right or correct way but at the same time there's no wrong way either. Life is a journey each and every one of us is on and we have to nip and tuck our concerns and make them better so we can make ourselves better.
Now let me see if I can bring everything together into something resembling coherence...
Not everyone here has my experience being physically or mentally bullied at school although I'm sure some of you do. The point is we already have backgrounds and experiences to draw upon and share. This is what makes us us, no matter how unpleasant, or too personal, or even trivial you may think it is to everyone else. Even what you'd consider no personality is a personality.
I used to feel exactly the same when it came to relationships with people. Why couldn't I make people laugh, like X? Why aren't I as interesting as Y? This is all comparison shopping with others, and doesn't help. I was aware of this around my mid-Twenties, and learned to stop caring (or more accurately, I learned to stop dwelling so much) by my early-30s, and that's when some door of perception opened. I'm not these other people. I'm me. I have my own take on things, and my own way of dealing with them - and if I'm unhappy about something, I have to change or die.
I guess it took the passing of time for me to get to this stage, as opposed to having some grand revelation, or cure. I just chilled a little when it came to my own insecurities, seeing it as part of me.
You do have life experiences. Using two as an example - and forgive my assumptions - we have grown up in different countries, so there's a wealth of differences there, as well as similarities. There's also a generational gap of your early Twenties and my late Thirties. We have both different perspectives, and similarities too. As my 91yo grandfather said after I'd shown him some gadget back in 1988, "You're never too old to learn".
And then he died.
So here's my fucking perspective, for what it's worth:-
My current worry is the lack of a lady in my life. Almost all my University friends have married, and are now having babies left, right, and centre. I am therefore dipping into the /r/seddit universe, although I'm not comfortable with it. (I wrote THIS post to voice my concerns and got downvoted to HELL.) I remain unsure about the whole 'seduction' side of things, but if you read the replies to my post, you will see a lot of sanity regarding taking steps to get to where I want to be (i.e. meeting the woman I want to settle down with.) Seddit, surprisingly, reccomends THIS book I bought 2 days ago. It has nothing to do with 'seduction' per se, but overcoming depression and negative perceptions of ourselves first and foremost. I have only just started this book but it makes so much sense, it's unreal. I urge you to look into this.
Finally, and from my perspective of being nearly 40, rejoice in your youth even though it seems futile. Okay, you've never had that first kiss, or a first date. You haven't driven a car, or been to a party. But the fact you're expressing your frustrations here tells me they're IN THE POST.
Remember, the fact that you're concerned at all marks the beginning of any change.
TL;DR EDIT - To give you some kind of solution, read, motherfucker! Learn facts, pick up some history, watch documentaries. Fill your brain with knowledge, or comedy, or drama. Watch movies, seek out your favourite directors, get some foreign films under your belt. Explore music. Sample all genres. Listen to classical composers. DANCE. Wander through museums, and art galleries, and cafes. Travel and discover and explore and embrace your very fucking existence, and not only will your life feel more rich and varied but before you know it you'll have a treasure trove of knowledge and conversation in your head, you interesting son-of-a-bitch. Just don't cave in to years of sexual absence and have accidental sex with a Thai hooker. Having said that, you might just get a story out of it. Just be careful who you share those kind of things with.
I'd like to recommend this book to you: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336
It's a fave around here, and if you haven't given it a chance, please do. The gist is basically that it's our thoughts that shape our emotions -- and more! Saying something like "I'm too stupid to know how to talk to people..." really tells me you'd get something out of this book!
Depression is tough man. May I recommend you this book? Reading it myself right now. It's great.
I love this. I need to get it in a locket to remind me to be less prickly.
In case your anxiety is still active, I really recommend this book. It was a total game changer for me after decades of anxiety and depression.
Edit: Would you mind offering tiny prints? I'm actually not joking and would like this around my neck as a reminder when I'm not keeping up with the exercises from the book. I found your print shop, but there are just large sizes at the moment. (Thanks if you happen to read this and answer!)
Check out this book. I had a similar experience with the mental health system, a friend recommended this book, and it put me on the track to recovery. There are copies floating around the internet as well.
I suffered with it for a long time and I saw a cognitive behavioural therapist.
It worked great, best thing I ever went through with all my life. On my final session with him he suggested I buy this book.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319468027&sr=8-1
Reading this book is the nearest thing he could suggest to me to actually seeing a therapist in person, you have to make sure you do the exercises in the book also to learn how to change and improve your thinking patterns.
I bought the book twice. One to read every day and one on standby in case I lose the 1st book! Awesome book, and I sincerely hope my suggestion helps some of the people in here to move forward.
I'm sorry you've got SAD - it's horrid. I've had it for 10 years, so I have a few suggestions that work for me.
It's only November, so there's a long stretch of winter ahead. Feel free to PM if you ever start feeling down. Seriously, any time.
Good luck, and I hope that you have a good winter!
edit: formatting
The good news is, seeing a doctor (and neurologist/psychologist/etc, with a referral) is free.
The bad news is, a 50% reduction in pain is considered a "success", regardless of whether you're well enough to work. migraines are still very poorly understood and it's mostly a matter of trying pills (most of them slow-acting and with major side-effects) until something works.
I'm in a lot less pain these days, but it'll come straight back if I try anything resembling work for more than about an hour a day. I'm very, very lucky to have people who can afford to take care of me.
some other tips for navigating the system:
btw, I suspect my career-ending stress-induced migraine of doom could have been avoided (or at least not been career-ending) if I'd discovered earlier that I had ADHD. I was essentially self-medicating with constant stress. so, check for underlying causes for your stress and anxiety now, before it's too late.
oh, and get some books on mindfulness, CBT, DBT etc; the more brain-debugging you can do on your own, the more you'll get out of whatever therapy you can afford. :)
oh, and there are books on physiotherapy too. :) mine helped far more than either of the physiotherapists I've seen.
here's my personal reading list:
You are fucking awesome! Great plan and do it now. Don't wait. I'm so happy that I sent an e-mail at 11 p.m. to my current therapist to ask for my first appointment. It really changed my life. Here's also what I did (which may be a bit much for the beginning, but you can slowly integrate some elements if you want):
These things I started when I was done with my depression (similar to you) and still do them today and they feel pretty good. There are a lot of things I tried and you can get a great overview by reading Ikarr0s post: The best stuff I have gathered to help me significantly improve every aspect my life and combat depression!
I'm not big on self help books in general, I tend to mistrust them for some reason.... but if you're interested in working on some CBT by yourself I highly recommend Feeling Good by David Burns. I can't personally attest to its efficacy but I know a few people it as helped. In addition there is a decent amount research behind it. Check it out - you can get it used on Amazon for $1.
I've been dealing with it for about 35 years now- since I was in my early teens. I still definitely have 'bad times', but they're a lot more spread out than they were before about my mid-2os, and they're a bit easier to deal with now that I know what to do. I have noticed that for a lot of people with chronic recurrent depression the earlier years are the worst- it often seems to level off when you're older.
I'd really recommend finding a cognitive behaviour therapist, because that seems to be the most helpful in teaching you ways to cope, as well as to change ingrained patterns of thinking that help you get stuck back in depression. This is a very helpful book, and there's also a very good online program called MoodGym. It doesn't replace a good therapist, but it is useful.
Try to figure out what your triggers might be, and how you can avoid them. For some of us it just seems to be somewhat biological- we just wake up one morning back in the black hole again. But for others it can happen because of fairly identifiable things- hooking up with the wrong people, making some bad decisions, etc. If you can figure out how to avoid some of the triggers, then you're at least a bit further ahead.
And try out some of the things that are fairly well accepted to be useful to at least some people, and make them a regular part of your life if you do find them helpful. Exercise, proper diet, yoga, sunlight, volunteering, meditation, learning to breathe properly, mindfulness, journalling/writing, gardening, building up a good support network etc. Not everything works for everyone, but it's worth taking a good shot at all of them to see what might work for you.
It really can improve- I never would have thought that I'd reach a point in my life where I could go years in a 'good' cycle, but it has happened. Life's a bit more stressful than usual right now, but I've been doing this long enough to know that it will more than likely get better again.
It's a book by Chris Ryan that goes into the science and psychology of sex.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813
No if we are looking at the long term, these kinds of values come into play when property ownership is relevant. When wealth comes from how much you own people want to make sure that their genetics are the ones that benefit. Since it is easy to determine the birth mother controlling women's sexual agency in terms of religion and morality in order to ensure the correct lineage. Pre-agrarian (and even some more communial agrarian) societies didn't have these concerns, so sexuality was not policed in the same way. Children were seen as adding to the whole family, which was basically the community at large.
Men could have all the sex for pleasure they wanted because it was less relevant to the economic situations. Courtisans and harems existed for men at the very top of the food chain and were completely acceptable by everyone in the court system.
I hate to say this but there has been a ton of research on this, including basic histories of certain cultures that says the exact opposite of what you are saying. How we view sex, marriage and family has changed drastically depending on the time and culture you exist in.
Marriage: A History is a very readable overview of how the institution has changed over time: http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-History-How-Love-Conquered-ebook/dp/B002I1XRZY/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1
And I have heard very good things about Sex at Dawn, which talk about a lot of the arguments you are making: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
Would you consider yourself to have some introverted tendencies? For a while I correlated confidence with being an extrovert, but Quiet really helped me realize that people don't all have to conform to one type of personality to be accepted by others. I found that I'm much more confident when I'm playing to my strengths and aware of what weaknesses I have. Some social situations are difficult for me, like going to a party full of people I don't know. If there's a friend of mine that can introduce me, or if I can bring one extroverted friend along I'm much more comfortable and can socialize better.
Hope this helps.
Not the best read, but this book discusses some of the benefits/drawbacks.
More modern society--Dale Carnegy-esque networking and less static communities/networks of people-- likely has shifted at least public opinion to prefer extroversion.
It is becoming more accepting and understood by psychologist and society as a whole that these differences is real. The innate personality that defines either introvert or extrovert is hard to ignore.
This book should get you the answers your looking for:
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I would also add to this, that her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking is also a thoroughly good read.
In the book, "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking," Susan Cain tackles this question in depth in chapter 8, "Asian-Americans and the Extrovert Ideal."
The short answer, from what I understood of the book, is yes. Different cultures value different things, and introversion/extroversion is one of those things.
You do have this magical social instinct. You're posting online.
If you didn't have it, you wouldn't be asking because you wouldn't even be able to conceptualize it. You'd probably be institutionalized, in fact. Not just a brief spell, either.
If you didn't have a social instinct, you wouldn't understand anything. You wouldn't be able to read because you wouldn't give a shit why everyone cared so much about some stupid squiggles. You wouldn't be able to drive because you'd literally slam into the tailend of someone stopping for some kids crossing up the road and get your license taken away.
You may have worse social instincts than most, but you can work on that. Also, introvert/extrovert is a thing. This is a nice book.
Good luck.
> I was always embarassed to talk about my feelings
I'm one of the older INTP's here I think... 42m.
There are multiple issues at work here.
The feelings / behavior you're describing is classic introvert stuff.
There's a really common misconception that introverted means shy or socially awkward or anti-social, but it's really not that way at all. Introverts can be, and often are, more social than extroverts.. it's just that we're wired differently and will have more aptitude for socialising in different formats than todays popular customs.
There's loads of books which I'm sure you'd find invaluable, but /r/introvert is probably a better place to start.. the discussion there might be a little intense for the moment but I think you will find the sidebar full of useful interesting stuff.
Reading the book I linked above was a particularly enjoyable experience for me. It basically made me a lot more comfortable in my own skin.. I don't mean less anxious or whatever.. I just mean that I realised I'd kindof been taught that certain desires (like a desire for solitude) was somehow wrong, but after learning more about what it means to be an introvert I learned to embrace that part of myself. It was very rewarding.
Go google the history of our leaders regarding "Cult of Personality" vs "Cult of Character".
Also, go read (or get at your library/audible) Quiet: The Power Of Introverts.
Regarding your introversion, I highly recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Susan Cain, the author, is an HLS grad and gives her story of what it was like being an introvert as a corporate attorney.
It's not a negative thing if the scriptures are anything to go by -- I'd guess that most prophets were introverts because we're naturally better at introspection and meditative thought. King David was certainly an introvert. Moses couldn't even speak to the host of Israel without a spokesperson present because of his shyness. The First Vision happened because Joseph had an introspective moment.
We live in an extroverted society, though, so it's necessary sometimes to go outside of our comfort zones. The thing that helped me was realizing that it's 100% okay to be an introvert, and that we have skills that extroverts don't have. Introverts are naturally better at deep conversations and meaningful insights. We're more attuned to people's feelings and needs.
Let the extroverts greet people at the door, you should do what you're good at and what God built you for -- listening to people and having those meaningful and personal conversations that help us just as much as small talk and friendly greetings.
This book helped me as a missionary to realize more about my nature and how it's actually crazy advantageous in a lot of ways.
Yes, I can so relate to this. Good post. I was raised to be that way too-- speak only when spoken to, don't argue or talk back, be flexible and accommodating, keep private matters private. I would go so far as to say that my lack of assertiveness, guilt in wanting simple things (like respect) for myself, and questioning my instincts made my marriage/divorce drag on much longer than it should have; years beyond when I knew that it wasn't going to work out. Part of it was being very young but I would say I could have moved on and moved forward much faster if I had stood up for myself and had more confidence in my decisions (and if my family had supported me-- but that's another topic). Hopefully others won't have that extreme an experience.
In the workplace, practicing and faking it till you make it works for me, maybe it could work for you. You might feel like an impostor, but trust me, everyone feels like that to some extent. Try to figure out what it is that will make you more confident in those situations and work on that. For me, it's usually knowing about something inside and out so that I can speak confidently about it. True Desi nerd style! I still struggle with asking for things I want sometimes. It still feels really selfish, which I don't think will ever go away completely.
Some books that helped me: Quiet and of course Lean In. As others mentioned, therapy can work too in finding practical solutions to specific problems you might have. It's not just you :)
If you've ever wanted to understand introversion, I'm finishing the most amazing book right now.
It's called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Read this book: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
It won’t tell you how to talk but may give you a different perspective on yourself. I found it very insightful.
One thing that helps me break out of this is an idea from Feeling Good, which is a pretty helpful book on cognitive therapy.
Get one of those little tally counters and for every single thing you do that day, even if it's just brushing your teeth or putting on pants, give yourself a tally. By the end of the day, you'll be amazed at how much stuff you did that day, and it'll inspire you to keep doing more stuff 'cause you won't feel like you're a total lazy slob. Even if you end up sitting around watching tv all day, there's always SOMETHING to tally. This helps me break the cycle of feeling guilty for not doing stuff.
[Feeling Good] (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1408032054&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good)
Really helps get to the root of the thoughts that cause depression. I wish I'd found it years ago. It'll only help if someone is willing to follow through with the methods set out in the book.
I want to second this book. Feeling Good
Buy and read Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns.
It provides a straightforward and scientifically accepted (Stanford University) self-help method known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
As detailed in the introduction, the clinical trials of the efficacy of the book itself vs the book and meds vs meds alone show equal results between the book and meds, but much longer lasting benefits from the book.
Just do it. It's $5. Throw it away if it doesn't work.
It will.
Feeling Good. This book has been making the rounds in my friend circle. It's billed as a "treatment for depression" but I think the thought patterns it teaches are useful for pretty much everyone.
Ti stai rovinando la vita per niente. Essere vergini a 22 anni è più comune di quanto credi. E poi due morose le hai trovate, significa che le potrai trovare in futuro. E smettila di pensare al passato. Ormai è andato, non è colpa tua. È pieno di gente con genitori di merda. Avrai la vita più difficile di altri, quindi? Devi giocarti la vita con le carte che hai in mano. Che poi rimuginare non serve letteralmente a niente se non a crearti problemi. Perché lo fai quindi? Sforzati di smettere. Smetti di pensare al passato, smetti di giudicarti. Parti oggi con quello che hai e costruisciti la vita che vuoi. Non ha importanza di chi è stata colpa in passato, la colpa sarà tua se non decidi di cambiare oggi. E dico OGGI.
Due consigli, impara ad isolare i tuoi pensieri falsi/negativi (perché sono bugie e il tuo cervello finisce per crederci). Leggiti questo libro sulla psicologia cognitiva https://www.amazon.it/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 e poi comincia a fare Mindfulness https://www.amazon.it/Metodo-mindfulness-giorni-alla-felicità/dp/8804646861 (meditazione ma in maniera scientifica). Farla ti servirà a imparare ad isolare i pensieri e capire che non devi velare la realtà con le tue proiezioni false.
Detto questo esci di casa e trovarti qualsiasi lavoro di merda che riesci pur di andare via di casa. In caso andrai a vivere affittando una stanza con altri, magari studenti, che importanza ha. L'importante è allontanarti dai tuoi genitori, vedrai che poi tutto si aggiusta.
I'm working and can't be of help, but if you're feeling down, I highly recommend the book 'Feeling Good'. No joke, it really can help you out of a funk, it did for me.
Your thesis seems to be that the voice is chemical, and therefore a feeling and not a thought, and therefore it controls your behavior directly.
However, thoughts, in turn, control feelings, and this can be demonstrated easily. Ever read something that made you happy or angry or sad? I'm pretty sure you can't transmit psychotropic medicines through the Internet. It's because your brain decoded the words into thoughts, and those thoughts triggered an emotional response, possibly by inspiring another train of thought.
And you can change your thinking habits over time. The best way is to write down what the "voices" are saying, so they can't hide from scrutiny. Then pick out the distortions in each of them, and write down a rational rebuttal that you can actually believe. This is pretty much the entire basis of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which Drs. David Burns and Albert Ellis have written about. According to them, you just have to do it once a day, and after enough time, your thinking habits change. Paperbacks tl;dr? Then read about it on about.com.
Good luck; I hope these tools are useful.
What aren't you confident about?
My suggestion would be to practice meeting new people regularly. Just get out there and start talking to people. Talk to anyone, men or women, young or old. Especially talk to beautiful women. Be friendly and kind and go out of your way to start conversations with total strangers. It'll probably be awkward at first, and you'll definitely get shut down a few times and it will hurt, but it will get better. You'll start to realize that getting turned down is the worse thing that could happen and it won't kill you, and the conversations that do go well will really boost your confidence and make you feel empowered. You might want to check out The Game by Neil Strauss.
I would send him this book and this book. I know they are controversial, but let's face it, chances are the guy is depressed because he feels lonely. I'd also recommend writing a kick ass letter to encourage him, as mentioned by yaboyAllen.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People
Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis
The 48 Laws of Power
Check out What Every Body Is Saying and Louder Than Words, both by Joe Navarro. I've read them both and gone back multiple times to reference them. This has given me a real edge in my daily business and especially in interviews. I've always been good at reading people, but he puts into words and pictures what it was I was picking up from people. Great topic. Enjoy
There's also Games People Play
What Every Body is Saying
For learning about body language and social psychology
https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
Is this the book you are referring to?
Also, what comedy shows do you recommend, for multiple reasons I've been trying to look for them for some time. :)
I've heard good things about What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro.