Best interpersonal relations books according to redditors
We found 5,975 Reddit comments discussing the best interpersonal relations books. We ranked the 928 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
We found 5,975 Reddit comments discussing the best interpersonal relations books. We ranked the 928 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
In one popular body language book, there is topic about handshakes. They teach you how handshake can be used to assert dominance, and how to defend against that types of handshakes. And by that I don't mean this Trump handshake, because pulling and grabbing hand like that is not even in book. That's just dick move.
EDIT: Link to book
Unfortunately, I don't think she got around to reading The Ethical Slut yet.
Animation degree here. (Really dont need a degree. My professors who worked in the industry said many dont have degrees still to this day, its all about passion and skill... and being willing to work 16 hour days)
Seriously fantastic animation. All 12 principles of animation are represented.
Your bro just needs to keep uploading and making animation. Its essentially a portfolio.
Animation companies dont care if you have a degee. They want a stacked portfolio. With solid animation.
When your bro starts applying for animation jobs. Make sure he has a solid demo reel. A demo reel is only the best animation hes made compiled in on vid. Its the resume for these places. Its all about skill.
Fyi the #1 and #2 books (no particular order) for learning animation and developing it are priceless. My professors stressed these books every year. They were used in 90% of my animation classes.
This book...
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5JSgDb5GHT9WJ
And this book....
The Illusion of Life: Disney Animation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0786860707/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_OKSgDbZMMJBVE
This would make a fantastic gift for any animator
Tell your bro not to be down about it. The companies dont care about schooling. Skill and passion are all that matters.
Edit: forgot our schools favorite websites!
https://www.cartoonbrew.com/
Cartoon brew keeps animators updated on general cartoons and animation
http://www.11secondclub.com/
We got extra credit for doing the 11 second club. You got an A for that semester in one class if you could break the top animations that month. Few students did that.
Edit: thanks for gold! insert keyframe of me jumping in 80s pose
Well this seems like a good opportunity to post a few of the lessons I learned in my 20s.
To my former self:
If you're depressed, here's how to turn it around
Fap less, and never to porn
Gratitude
Wealth
Theories
Girls
Career
Flow
Meditation
*****
Edit:
To answer some requests, here's my list of resources.
Wealth/Metaphysics
This audiobook has the best summary I've found of how wealth works
Lifting
How Procrastination works:
How Business works
What innovation actually is and how to do it:
How economics works:
How to get things done:
Task Management tool:
Spiritual Books
How to be a man:
Audiobooks (most of these can be found on audiobook):
Frame Control (Anytime you feel like you're trying too hard or begging for something, you lost the frame)
This is my favourite book of all. They talk about the new type of conscousness which is really really interesting to me. May not apply to all people.
If anyone find this book interesting I'd love to talk about it:
How the world works:
Ok, now take note of what went wrong with your drawing and try again, and again, and again. Then after a few weeks go back and compare your latest drawings to this one.
The master has failed more times then the novice has tried.
If you want some resources, here are some youtube channels:
And also some books:
You should also check out http://drawabox.com/ and https://www.ctrlpaint.com/.
Edit: Labeled the links.
Edit 2: Just in case anyone saved this post, here's a couple of youtube channels I started watching recently:
I hope things are going well for you. And remember, as long as you keep moving forward you'll get to where you want to go eventually, even if your steps aren't as big as you'd like.
You missed one.
Real mental health awareness means treating it like the rest of a person's health.
In Canada it blows my mind (pun unintended) that mental health isn't covered by our health care system.
I would like to recommend a book to a fellow introvert it's called Quiet, it's a very good book on introverts.
SURPRISE:
Eyes wide to see better. Mouth open to breath better in case of emergency physical action.
Touching the mouth is what's referred to an "adapter" or "pacifying behavior", an action that serves to calm us down after a negative or traumatizing experience.
The mouth and neck are two of the most touched areas during these types of behavior.
Source? This awesome book written by an FBI interviewer who watches for these behaviors during questioning to see what line of questioning is making the subject uncomfortable.
groan
It was cool for you to have hook-ups with her and boff her in the toilets, but since she did that stuff with other people too, it's...
You're right about the "it's my issue" part. Except... The "I'm a slut" bit sounds like (as you note a couple of times) low self-esteem, crossed with internalised cultural crap. A boyfriend who has also internalised shaming stuff about sex will not be helpful to her. It would probably help both of you to use this as an opportunity to grow a bit here. Promiscuity isn't for everybody, but with consenting adults, is there any reason it's a problem...? Probably not, except for the shaming. Which makes no sense, and which is more of a problem than anything that comes out of thoughtful promiscuity. I haven't read it but The Ethical Slut is very well-reviewed...
>I find solace in the fact she has never dated before
That's not really a loving/caring/mature slant on it. It would be one thing if she had not wanted to date; as is it almost sounds like her self-esteem is so far down she didn't see herself as somebody who could be another person's partner. That's a thing to grieve, really.
Dunno. If you don't want to love and care for the entirety of this person, it's probably not a good idea to half-ass it. But plenty of this relationship sounds promising; I'd work on it.
My $0.02 from personal experience. Prior to going into psychology, my previous line of work brought me to work with quite a few narcissists and a couple psychopaths. So the following is based on years of real world experience + my academic understanding of the topic. To answer your question, I'll compare some subtle differences in behavior.
 
Psychopaths: Their focus is "outward target focused" and getting what they want at all cost, even to the detriment of looking good even initially. Their behavior is more predatory, even from the very first impression. The name of the game is to find out as much information about you as possible to quickly assess if you're a good target and if so what your vulnerabilities are so they can manipulate you and proceed with their goals. They seek out a vulnerable target who is emotionally "weak" or lacking something in their life, do "recon" and get as much information as possible to find their angle, use flattery and slights to keep their target off-balance so they can control them and get what they want. In their initial assessment of you if they see that you're not giving them the information they need or that you're onto their game, you'll be too difficult and they will move on to an easier target. They won't waste their time.
What that looks like in real life:
First impressions with a psychopath: you feel a "bit off." You can't put your finger on why, but you feel a little weird and uncomfortable: it could be an initial awkward silence in them waiting for you to reveal things about yourself (recon), it could be the one-sided self-disclosure (them asking lot of questions about your life without them reciprocating on things like circle of friends, agreeableness, emotional state, your likes and dislikes), it could be the overt flattery playing to your ego and them trying too hard to be just like you, it may even be the very initial awkard non-verbal behavior (eye-contact / fake smile) as they are searching for visual cues on how to physically act / stand /or mimic your behavior to earn your trust. --> All this might make you feel like you can't trust them.
To add to this, though, quickly after, you'll observe them saying an odd phrase here or there that doesn't add up, a compliment followed by a slight directed at you or at someone else ( "Did they really said that??")... all meant to keep their target off balance and under their control. This inconsistent, flattery / insult behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and questioning yourself and also if they're a "good person." Since their main goal is not to look good but to manipulate their target, they don't care as much if they come across as likable if they can manipulate the power dynamic back into their favor.
TLDR: They don't care as much how they're being perceived, likeable or not, just as long as they get what they want, so appearing charming isn't a top goal, just part of the process.
 
Narcissists: Narcissists, in contrast, have a "self-centered focus," first and foremost, and manipulate people to get what they want second to that. They manipulate people by making themselves look good, keeping the focus on their successes, and by appealing to your sense of wanting to be in with the "cool kids." "I'm going to show you how awesome I am, and you're going to want to be just like me and work for / be friends with me and do what I say because I'm so cool." They're not going to manipulate you because they've studied you and assessed your weaknesses and are preying on your vulnerabilities, like the psychopath (=more calculated behavior). That would be taking away from the focus on them. They're going to manipulate you through showing you how great they are. And because narcissists are focused on themselves, they expect you will, too, (and you most likely will to avoid confrontation, initially) so this keeps them happy and... charming... longer. Narcissists will only lash out or exhibit ugly behavior if their ego is threatened, if the focus isn't on them, if they don't get their way, or if you get in their way.
What this looks like in real life, and why they might appear more charming longer: "Me, me, me!": Narcissists biggest focus is to look good and to keep the focus on them. As such, they know creating a good first likable impression is important so they will focus on dressing well, being well groomed, smiling, appearing pleasant, acting charming, inflating their accomplishments and their connections, and building a fabulous picture of who they are. This all makes them look charming and appeals to your sense of wanting to be in with the top dogs. Unlike psychopaths, they will talk a lot about themselves, both personally and professionally, and won't ask you hardly anything about you unless it relates to their goals. Unlike psychopaths, their focus is not trying to get information on you and figure out their angle. Their focus is on maintaining the appearance of their huge persona. To cultivate a larger than life image, they must form and maintain an entourage of beautiful and powerful people, and this requires that they act charming as much as possible.
Initially what might make you feel uncomfortable is how much they talk about themselves or how little they ask about you, and this throws your spidey sense off guard (makes you not trust them), but because you're not hearing them say horrible things to another person outright, they might seem charming longer.
TLDR: They care very much how they're being perceived. They want to be liked because that's how they create and maintain a grandiose sense of self, and being charming is an important part of this process. They won't get ugly until they absolutely have to. For all these reasons, they might appear charming longer.
 
Also, assessing what's going on in initial interactions with psychopaths or narcissists is based on awareness (or lack therof) and experience in dealing with them. For example, because I had worked with a bunch of both, I was much more attuned to the behavior and games each would play. Fellow younger grad student friends had knowledge from textbooks, but they lacked real world experience and what their behavior actually looked like in real life, so it was hard for them to see what type of manipulation was going on.
 
EDIT:
ARTICLES for those of you who asked me:
This Is How To Deal With Psychopaths And Toxic People: 5 Proven Secrets
(includes quotes by Martha Stout)
I like works by American psychologist, Martha Stout: served on clinical faculty at Harvard Med. School for 25 years and is the author of The Sociopath Nextdoor. I like her wording.
20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths Use To Silence You
7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship
I have a lot more resources on workplace bullying, etc. PM for more. :)
The Psychopath Test and The Sociopath Next Door both touch on the subject that many CEOs express psychopathic qualities or tendencies.
Non Violent Communication is an excellent read. Don't let the title put you off, it's a crash course in conflict resolution and extremely easy to follow and apply.
In the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, the author Susan Cain shares and summarizes scientific studies that indeed prove you are born an introvert or extrovert.
A key difference between introversion and extroversion is that introverts recharge by spending time alone while extroverts recharge by socializing. While an unbalanced life or addiction to something can definitely be fuel for introversion, it doesn't cause it. I think the stress of daily life is what pushes many introverts to gaming or electronics in general since it's a way to recharge after your brain has been overstimulated for most of the day.
He's a sociopath. That's not an exaggeration. He fits the criteria for sociopath (feel free to annotate criteria with other examples)
[1] https://www.md-health.com/Sociopath-Traits.html
[2] The Sociopath Next Door https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767915828/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_vmTXBb2D1FDVD
[3] https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/donald-trump-christine-blasey-ford-testimony-maga-rally-response-60-minutes-interview-today-2018-10-14/
[4] https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-betrays-everyone-the-president-has-a-long-record-as-an-unpredictable-ally/2017/09/08/9cf64768-94a8-11e7-89fa-bb822a46da5b_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.dc7d95a65b28
[5] https://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2015/11/26/donald-trump-mocks-reporter-with-disability-berman-sot-ac.cnn
[6] https://www-m.cnn.com/2018/09/04/politics/woodward-book-trump-charlottesville/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F
[7] https://www-m.cnn.com/2018/08/25/politics/trump-sessions-twitter-timeline/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dtrump%2Btwitter%2Battacks%26form%3DAPIPH1%26PC%3DAPPL&rm=1
[8] https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/29/business/media/trump-mika-brzezinski-facelift.html
[9] https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/341896-trump-blames-obama-administration-for-allowing-russian-lawyer-in-us#main-content
[10] http://fortune.com/2018/08/05/trump-defend-don-jr-trump-tower-meeting/
I have an anxious attachment style too, and initially I thought it was a bad thing. What I like about this theory is how non-judgmental it all is. Your needs are your needs. I NEED more security and validation from partners, so I NEED to look for someone who is capable of giving me that. Secures can do that, while avoidants cannot.
If this interests you at all, I HIGHLY recommend the book “Attached”
Check out harry potter and the methods of rationality.
Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
Start to [Meditate] (http://humanistsofmn.org/127-better-critical-thinking-through-meditation)
Philosophy - "love of wisdom"
Read about rationality/critical thinking
Learn about the common [cognitive biases] (http://www.businessinsider.com/cognitive-biases-2014-6?op=1) and [logical fallacies] (https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/)
Create some rationality habits
Learn about the ways Marketing/propaganda is used to influence you
The Trivium
How to win friends and influence people - Dale Carnegie- About how to interact with people. Gave me a lot of insight into social dynamics and self-confidence in general.
What every body is saying - Joe Navarro, it's about body language. You would be surprised how much more information you can from people and optimize social dynamics integrating both of these books.
Atlas Shrugged - Ayn rand, gave me a whole new perspective on the value and meaning of work, liberty and freedom.
He has been trained and manipulated since childhood to always give in to her, that her wants and feelings are more important than anyone else's including his own. That she is always right.
That he was willing to move away is a hopeful sign, and that he ignores half of what she says. But he is still in the FOG and his normal meter is off.
If you have not checked out the book list, it has many resources that could help. You may want to read 'Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You '
>Why do people keep separating logic and emotion?
They are two different things.
Emotions are simply you consciously noticing your body's physiological reaction to externally or internally generated stimulus, with the external being the world outside one's body, and internal consisting of thoughts or other intentional, and not necessarily conscious content. There is nothing else to it, emotions aren't a thing you have, they're a process you can consciously notice, and there's a huge difference with that consideration, in the logical/philosophical sense.
Neurophysiology ahead, skip to the TL;DR if you want =D.
Emotional response comes from sensory or internally generated information (other thoughts/feelings in this case) reaching the brain's emotional processing center, the Amygdala. From there, the Amygdala activates a number of other areas of the brain responsible for heart rate, adrenaline, digestion, dopamine, and others (vastly oversimplified for the purpose of this discussion). In the case of a fear response, you feel your heart rate rise, your feel your digestive system "seize" (pit of stomach), and your mouth go dry, as your sympathetic nervous system routes your body's resources to handle the threat. That, along with all the internally generated mental "what-ifs" (which might actually further raise the fear response), is being afraid.
If you've read this far, and can excuse the terse-talk, the main issue is that these emotional responses to stimuli come before we can consciously control them, because this stimuli is processed in emotional center before the thinking, "logical" parts of our brain, some parts of the "Association areas". We feel viscerally before we "know" what it is we're feeling, in the "meta" sense (the way we frame and explain our feelings to ourselves after the fact). This is actually a huge evolutionary advantage--this older "limbic" part of our brain is responsible for the fight-or-flight response, and in humans, or other higher animals (those with large cerebral cortices), is a "short-circuit" against the "higher areas" of the brain, to facilitate a faster reaction. When an animal sees something that resembles a predator, the worst thing it could do is think additionally about the dangerous stimulus. The safest bet is to get the hell out of there, or if it isn't possible, to fight.
The "logical" part, how we ought to interpret our reaction, necessarily comes after we notice our body's physiological (emotional) response to the situation, and from that, we can decide to inhibit it (in most non-pressing cases). For us humans, seeing a realistic fake tiger for instance, might raise our hackles for a second, but after the initial response (and no movement from the fake), we can logically inhibit the physiological response, in effect, "talking ourselves down". We can calm ourselves, after we've reasoned that the tiger isn't real, because we have the capacity to consider the emotion itself (unlike most animals), and whether or not it's appropriate.
TL;DR; Emotions are a short-circuited physical response to an internal/external stimulus you consciously "notice", and the "logic", (framing the emotion and acting on it) comes from mentally processing what you've noticed only afterwards. This is necessarily the case, by the brain's design.
Now, the part where this applies to SRS:
The problem is that in their philosophy, many of them believe that their emotional response is objectively valid to the situations discussed, that their emotions are objects in a sense (and not a process), that are as real to the world as anything else, and not just their brain's short-circuit, fastest approximation of the way they should possibly react to the discussion.
Ironically, the way some in SRS treat emotion as "objects", things they're sure they have, runs very contrary to their post-modern deconstructionist views of reality, where everything ought to be uncertain. They ignore the fallibility of their own emotional existence, often times with something like "I am definitely right, you are wrong because (appeal to emotion), and therefore a shitlord".
When one discusses a topic with SRS where there are shades of gray, many of them will cease trying, if at all, to look at the problem objectively. For many of them, at best, the topic hits close to home (abuse, rape, etc.), and at worst, for some of them, it's something that appeals negatively to them on a visceral level, because they're the antagonistic type, and SRS attracts these people specifically by design.
Once they've allowed the short-circuit, the fastest approximation, to dictate their responses and behavior (because these responses could be logically inhibited), there is nothing left to discuss.
[EDIT]
I should note, that this doesn't mean that emotion is just an superfluous mental appendage for the modern world, nor that the effects are subjectively unreal. They're real as hell to us from our own perspective, and savoring them, feeling what positive emotions do for us, and acting on them, is probably the pinnacle of the human experience.
Allowing them to negatively affect us, or shut us down from reality is where the problems start.
[EDIT2]
For anyone interested in the immediately useful to you, practical, observable effects of our brains being constructed this way, with the emotional response being a short-circuit which can be inhibited to some degree, read this book..
What Every BODY is Saying
It's written by an ex-FBI agent who dealt with suspect interviews, to teach people how to read body-language during situations where inhibition is difficult (stress/joy). It counts on the observed phenomenon that even when we have the ability to inhibit our short-circuit emotional response, there are still "tells" we can't hide, manifesting in observable body language. We can pretend to be outwardly happy on a sad day (inhibiting our emotions to a degree), but our body language (a product of the limbic system mentioned earlier) will reveal pretty much everything with sunken shoulders, shuffling feet, etc.
Also, Poker players intuitively rely on this fact every time they play, with subconscious tells like pupil dialation, bouncing "happy" feet and what not.
Omg. That’s hilarious. Ahh it would be so great if you could counter with another prominently displayed book with an accusatory title.
Something like this maybe?
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
Hey, so I have a similar story. My family was a picture perfect middle class home with two parents and three kids. We were good kids who got good grades. I thought we were normal. Everyone envied the house I grew up in and my stay-at-home-mom.
Now when I tell them my parents are divorced and I haven't spoken to my mother in nearly 4 years (shit does time fly) I mostly get double takes. Narcs are SO GOOD at appearances and manipulations it's scary. I really want to emphasize that you are a victim here, your feelings of guilt are because you're a human with feelings who feels bad. Unlike a Narc who only cares about themselves.
If I read your post correctly, you're female. So I highly recommend the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride. It really helped me when I was starting to escape the FOG. I read everything I could get my hands on, there are great resources in the sidebar of this sub. Out of the Fog is a great website, very informative.
Personally, my mother is actually diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder with features of Borderline Personality and reading up on those was immensely helpful in understanding her behaviors. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and attachment disorder. I really recommend you find a counselor who specializes in this kind of thing; mine helped me through a lot of the mess in sorting out feelings from reality and rewiring my brain to not cope, but live.
How to win friends and influence people seems to be the gold standard of self help books.
I don't know if I would recommend The Game for it's positives, merely because when you're constantly surrounded by a certain mindset, you do tend to pick up on those characteristics, especially when a lot of it can seem to be true, PUA works because it treats women as different, women have to be tricked into sex etc, and in highschool the opposite sex can seem like a different species, so on the surface PUA looks to be the truth, evo psych also looks nice (alpha, beta males etc) but when you delve into it, that's when you see the flaws.
The word filtering on the xkcd forum makes the conversations hilarious.
I'd recommend you take a look at adult attachment theory. I read this and it drastically changed my views on relationship needs, jealousy included.
Basically, you'll find that jealousy is a "panic mode" reaction (there are plenty of others) that can be quelled if you are pro-active with your partner. It's easiest to pre-empt the feeling by realizing you're feeling insecure, and addressing that with your partner ahead of time, before the jealousy sinks in.
Even once it's set in, you're effectively just looking for safety. Just ask for a hug, kiss, reassurance, whatever from your partner, and that intimacy will likely help to "reset" you to your normal state. Your partner will hopefully be communicative and open enough to help you there.
The important part is to address it calmly, and lovingly, instead of putting blame on your partner and yelling at them. Tell your partner you are upset, and need some love/reassurance. I'd be willing to bet once you both have some kind of intimate moment, you'll go right back to being fine.
tl dr; Jealousy isn't a bad thing in itself; it's a reaction to your relationship needs going unfulfilled in some manner, which can be calmed by good communication and reassurance between your partner and you.
This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.
I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.
After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.
After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.
From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.
Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.
Hope it helps.
PS: for any folks interested in learning about polyamory (you know, for science) check out The Ethical Slut.
EDIT: Healthy (pre-established) polyamory between consenting adults. Ditto on the responsibility: keep those kids your number one priority.
So proud of you. You’ve got this. Stay diligent. Know this: It’s going to get worse. Make sure your daughter’s doctors and childcare know about your mom. Password protect discussing your daughter. Put it in writing, have them sign it. Research grandparents rights in your state. You are clearly resourceful, but I am assuming you do not have the resources she has.
I will get this ball rolling. Your mom was and is abusive. She is likely a narcissist. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. Your mom is relentless. Your mom follows the prototypical pattern of an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic parent.
2 books I highly recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Those books are printed validation. It is so easy to accept that you were abused if you were physically beaten. If can be so much harder to accept you were abused if you weren’t. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t hit you. I grew up with Parents who fed, clothed, and educated me. They never hit me (from what I can remember). But without a doubt they were psychologically and emotionally abusive, and I didn’t figure that out until I was 38, partly because of the conditioning of the abuse.
These reddit communities are strong, experienced, empathetic, brilliant, and present. They will help you see the patterns and develop tools. They will help you set and enforce boundaries. They will listen and give you incredible advice and support, even though they don’t know you, because, in reality, they do know you. And your mom. And your situation. And the patterns. And the way out.
You’ve done so much. You will have to do more. You are not alone.
This is what I came here to find/post. Second date is a fine time to tell you about an open relationship/polyamory. If she is up-front and honest about it and you are as well, it'll probably turn out well. For a good book to read through on the topic, I recommend "The Ethical Slut" (http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379).
> I enjoy giving blow jobs even if I'm not sexually aroused
The problem here seems to be that you're seeing the problem through your lens, not his. In other words, you're comparing his response to what YOU would do, not why he's refusing to do it.
You might find a lot of value in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
I found it amazingly insightful, especially in helping communicate together. It contains exercises that you can do together, so it's a together-book, not something you read in isolation. Good luck, hopefully you guys can work together to find a solution that works for both of you, whatever that is.
There are two growth spurts that occur in the human brain. The first happens when you are very young and the second happens in your twenties. The first growth spurt occurs during the first few years of your life and happens in the area of your brain that is closest to your spinal column. Billions of neurons are created during this time. This portion of the brain is responsible for emotions, sex-drives, hunger cravings, and feelings -- pretty much all of your primal instincts. The addition of so many neurons in so little time gives children's brains the plasticity to learn so many languages and words at a young age. The neurons that are not used during this time are killed off, but the frontal lobe of the brain has not yet developed. This is why kids are so good at remembering so many words, but are really bad at putting them into sentences. They'll be good at games, or putting square blocks into square holes, but they'll forget to tie their shoes, forget their lunches, or put theirs shirts on backwards -- because their frontal lobe has not yet developed.
The second growth spurt occurs in your frontal lobe and doesn't happen until your late twenties. The frontal lobe is the portion of your brain that is directly behind your forehead. It is responsible for rationality, criticalness, and forward-thinking. A lot of evolutionary psychologists think this happens to prepare us one last time for adulthood. If you're in your twenties, than for the last time ever in your life, billions of neurons are being added to your frontal lobe, with thousands of connections each to prepare you for decision making going forward.
People in their twenties are generally confused. They could have went to a good college, but don't know how to start their careers. They could have been valedictorians in high school, but don't know how to choose someone to date and don't know why. Or they feel like fakes, because they managed to get good jobs but cannot calm themselves down at work.
The brain doesn't develop itself into a forward-thinking, rational, complete brain until you enter your thirties. Many psychologists call twentysomething brains "uneven" because they are not fully developed yet.
For more information, you can read "Defining Decade" by Meg Jay. If you want, I can mail you my copy.
Fellow introvert, this book changed my life. Definitely should read it.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307352153/
“I liked you better when we weren’t speaking, Mom” 😑
Sorry, I know burning bridges is not always what people want/need, but wow you really nailed so much tone/script here. And people who say these things know that the things they say to us have more impact, negative or positive, because of their role in our lives is trusted and close (or it was) but they choose to use it to manipulate instead of support.
Try to remove yourself a step or three from the situation and think about what it would take for someone who loves you and wants you safe and well, to say things like this. What would it take for you to say things like this to someone you love? Even if you think they made a bad choice, ‘I liked you better the other way’ is a ridiculously self centered and petulant approach.
You should be able to expect better, but this person, for whatever reason, has some kind of deficit in their capacity. Their emotional intelligence is at a deficit. I really don’t know how much of that is a choice, or it’s just how some people are wired. Either way, you keep exposing yourself to harm if you keep being vulnerable to someone like this, though. You’ll be safer if you can say ‘well they aren’t capable of being the person I need; I need to manage my expectations of them, because I can’t trust them to be thoughtful.”
I can’t help but recommend this book - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, if this is coming from a parent. It would probably still be helpful if it’s not a parent.
You were not born to be the prettiest figurine on this person’s knickknack shelf. Don’t feel obligated to do so, or guilty for not doing so. It’s not an expectation a reasonable person would set.
(Hmm I think you hit a nerve or three ;)
Being in the work force for 10 years I can say I started out that way too. At 18 I joined the Marines and to be honest, as an introvert, its not the place to be if you're really quiet. No man's an island and if you are the type that isolates yourself then the other guys are going to try break you off real quick. I had plenty of people pick on me and vote me in for the shittiest details for my first 6 months.. all because I was a "nice guy" and couldn't assert myself. It ended when someone finally pushed me to my limits and I stood up for myself (and a bit of help from underaged drinking). That moment I realized for a socially awkward introvert to make it in a heavily social work setting you're going to have to make an effort to take control of your environment.
Now, I'm not defending your coworkers attitudes because they sound pretty childish, but if you're making the workplace uncomfortable in such a way by being closed off I can see why your coworkers would lash out at you. My simple strategy in new work places is this, put yourself out there the moment you step in the door. Are you greeting people in mornings? If not then you should because it's the quickest ice breaker. Don't just make a B line straight to your desk and be in your own world. I try to pick up on other people's interests and bullshit with people every now and then, it's fake and its exhausting but there isn't a way around it until you move up the ladder a bit more. But even then as a supervisor you still want to be someone who is approachable so others can ask you for help, which means you'll need to be able to relate and open up conversations.
There are dicks in every workplace so switching offices may or may not really be that beneficial. You can keep moving around to find something that completely suites your personality (which is nice for short term but I guarantee it will never be permanent) or you can become someone who owns their environment and make any social situation work out in their favor.
Also, this book helped me understand my own temperament more when it comes to social work settings as well as tips for dealing with an extroverted work environment.
I saw Ronson on C-SPAN back then, and it was like he was describing my brother. I read his book, and many others, and sooo many mysteries of my life were explained. It turns out my mother was a psychopath, and two of my siblings inherited it from her. Growing up in a family of psychopaths caused me to think they were the normal ones. And, so, I ended up marrying one. That's all in the past now.
My standard elevator talk about the danger of psychopaths:
(Recommended references are at the end.)
-- I am on a mission to expose the reality of psychopaths. Like David Vincent on the old TV show The Invaders, I know there are predators among us. Like on the show, many people I talk to can't fathom their existence.
-- The words psychopath and sociopath are synonymous today.
Disparate avenues of research came to be understood to have the same subject. (The so-called "official" name, anti-social personality disorder, in DSM-5 is so vague it's meaningless.) The originator of the clinical test for the condition prefers psychopath, and this is what I will use. Also, see the first paragraph of the fifth reference.
-- Psychopathy is a brain defect.
It is not treatable. Their brains are not wired to see humans as anything besides objects to exploit. Their amygdala, the area of the brain that processes emotions, does not function as in a normal brain. That is why they feel no emotions or empathy, although many learn to fake these when it benefits them. (There is also a controversial hypothesis that their mirror neurons are inoperative.) Surprisingly, at least to me, this defect comes with two effects:
-- Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissistic.
This is easy to understand because, to themselves, they are the only conscious being on Earth. They are the only thing that really matters. Everything and everyone are merely props in their world.
-- Psychopaths are not crazy.
Imagine being fully rational but without the burden of emotions like guilt, remorse, or shame, and without the chains of ethics, morals, or compassion. ("burden" and "chains" would be their words, not mine. They would say, "Only chumps follow the rules or give a shit.") They know what they're doing, and have to avoid being caught. Hence, they do their thing secretively, and behind peoples' backs. They will also distract and deflect attention away from their actions by blaming others, "throwing grenades," sabotaging or otherwise neutralizing anyone they regard as threats, and sowing doubt and distrust. But to your face, many are charming and disarming. One fascinating trait is their insistence on never being wrong or held accountable. This is a ploy for avoiding suspicion, and this is when their lying becomes truly bewildering.
-- But psychopaths are lazy
To a psychopath, life is a con on humans. Their goal is to acquire whatever drives them with the least effort. They learn early how to appear productive and hard-working, but it is usually superficial. They are the ultimate brown-nosers and flatterers since this helps get ahead, disguise their actions, and defend against peers' accusations of misdeeds. They are notorious for taking credit for other people's work. My favorite ploy is when they have to produce results or make a decision for which they have no idea, they will temporize in an effort to appear smart, and try to bluff their way till a meeting ends. (This last one is not limited to psychopaths, of course. But they are consummate posers.)
-- Tips for identifying a psychopath
(These are meant to help cold-read a suspected psychopath, not to substitute for more extensive analysis, such as presented in the recommended readings. They are based on 50+ years of experience living intimately with psychopaths.)
-- A psychopath uses tactics common to salespersons to manipulate you.
This is because these tactics work. This specific problem is not with psychopaths (or salespersons!), but with us. It's human nature to believe people are trustworthy, to believe flattery, to question our own eyes when presented with disturbing evidence -- in other words, to be easy marks.
-- It is estimated that at least 1 in 100 is a psychopath.
That's over 3 million in the US. The percentage is higher in certain fields, such as politics and finance, that attract the psychopath. Seemingly, they pursue the Big Three: money, power, sex. (Why? With no real connection to humankind, and devoid of morals, these are aspects of life that can be easily taken and enjoyed.) Educate yourself on psychopathy because the odds are good one or more of them are fucking up your life.
-- Here are some books I used on my journey to discovery of the malevolent influence of psychopaths in my own life.
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us
Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work
Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight
The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry
The Inner World of the Psychopath: A definitive primer on the psychopathic personality
The Sociopath Next Door
The Wisdom of Psychopaths
The first two books are written by Dr. Robert Hare. He developed the clinical test for psychopathy that is the subject of the fourth book (which is an entertaining, yet disturbing, read).
Throwaway time - yay. I feel so liberated with throwaways.
I can relate to this, went through a similar episode, schooled here, went abroad for uni, had the best 3 damn years of my life, and came back here feeling like I made a mistake coming back.
Also got my license late because of that moving around, so when I did come back I also found it hard to get around to meet friends, barely made it to the office (to a job I stopped liking or learning anything after 3 months). And also found it hard to reconnect with old friends as people mostly seem like here, out of sight, out of mind kind of nature. Saying no initially eventually meant you're forgotten. Can't blame them, gone for 3 years, back, and saying no to going out. Yeah I wouldn't talk to me either. But I also would never ever trade those 3 years abroad for doing them here, not only was it kick-ass awesome, it also taught me theres an entire planet and world out there.
Well that was 3 years ago, I've now changed jobs 3 times, started a company and closed it, on my 3rd job, got my license (obv), car that I like, etc.
Things can get better.
Here's the truth: there are 3 cornerstones in your life:
If you have those things in order, you can afford to take almost any "risk" you want.
What got me through is this:
So love what you do. If you don't, whatever you do, be the best at it. Or better yet, pursue what you love. Your career and job will lead your life, so make sure you absolutely have that one down right, otherwise your home and relationships will suffer.
I'm personally already drawing up my escape plan. Planning to move abroad for work in about a year once I settle stuff here and gain the right experience I need to do that. Let me know if you want me to share it.
What Every BODY Is Saying
Read this book and other body language books.
When you walk, walk with your shoulders.
Take up as much space as possible while sitting or standing.
Hands on your hips (power pose).
I avoid things like crossing my arms, hands in my pockets, and never ever have your head hanging low, or looking at the ground. Always keep your chin up slightly, never break eye contact first, etc.
These things alone have had customers at work assume I was the boss there. It's like magic.
EDIT: Also when talking, speak slowly, with calmness, and use a deep voice. Don't be afraid to pause before speaking as taking a couple seconds to contemplate on what to say is natural.
Attached is a pretty good read, and comes from a credible source - it's also geared towards the anxious types (since they're more likely to read it).
I can absolutely 100% relate. My pattern was always hot and heavy for 1-2months max, and then they’d have some sort of epiphany that they actually weren’t as into me as they thought they were. I never understood it until I learned about attachment theory... and damn, did that explain a LOT. If you’re interested, this book made a huge difference for me.
I feel like you are making excuses because there have to be plenty of options here. You say she supported you to have a good career. What do you do with your vacation time? If you have none for some reason, can you get some leave without pay? Can you find a new job that allows you to be around her more, even if you earn less money? Is there a university closer to home, or can you move to where she is? Can she study online?
She says she doesn't know if she can feel that way for you again. That doesn't mean she can't, it means that she is confused. Like I said, this is a crossroads. You either try like hell to fix things or she will leave you. First step, get yourself to marriage counseling, or at the very least buy yourself '7 Principles for Making Marriage Work' and read through it with her. Second step, plan a vacation or at the very least spend some time away from work to romance her properly. Spoil her a little. Write her a letter explaining how much she means to you and how you don't want to lose her. Talk. Laugh. Love. Third step, find a way for her to fulfill her dreams, preferably with you or her relocating so you are closer by. However if she lives apart from you for a while, so be it. If you don't let her fulfill her dreams with you, she will leave and do it without you.
Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but you have to try if you love her and want to be with her.
Ahh one of the problems young men face in today's society, the absence of a rite of passage. That sounds similar to what you're looking for; this article touches on it a bit.
> At the heart of the modern crisis of manhood is the extension of adolescence, a boyhood which is stretching on for a longer and longer period of time. Once thought to end in a man’s 20s at the latest, men are extending their adolescence into their 30′s and in some especially sad cases, their 40′s.
>But in some ways it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of a culture in which rites of passage have all but disappeared, leaving men adrift and lost, never sure when and if they’ve become men. Today’s men lack a community of males to initiate them into manhood and to recognize their new status.
>Across time and place, cultures have inherently understood that without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely. Thus, rites of passage were clearly delineated in nearly every culture as one of the community’s most important rituals.
I'm not sure of a suitable challenge or hardship for you, that's something that only you can decide. There's a few simple tasks that if done daily can improve your life.
I'll start with the easy stuff:
Fitness:
1.) Start Weightlifting
You're 18 years old and in relatively good shape i'm assuming ("biked through some mountainous canadian villages,"). There's literally no reason for you not to weightlift or run.
Weightlifting:
Here are few progress pics from /r/Fitness : [1] [2] [3]
Please tell me you'll start weightlifting or at least running; time will pass whether or not you lift, best to make gains along the way :)
Find a powerlifting gym in your area (they're generally cheaper than commercial gyms, allow you to grunt, use chalk, and actually lift heavy weight)
Meditate:
Start to meditate everyday.
>Benefits to meditation
>Like exercise, your benefits will depend on your efforts.
>Greater mental abilities as the mind concentrates with greater ease and there is less restless thought happening.
>Greater insights into your own behavior and that of others, so the ability to live with less regret happens.
>Greater physical abilities as the awareness of the body is increased, as well as the ability to visualize--if that is your objective.
>Greater emotional clarity as one learns to deal with and release difficult emotions.
>A greater feeling of contentment and oneness with life as the obstructions in the mind recede.
Philosophy:
Begin to read and study philosophy.
Good Introductory Books are:
One really good lecture series on ethics:
Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do? Episode 01 "THE MORAL SIDE OF MURDER"
Social Skills:
Go out and meet knew people, fool around with girls, talk to strangers, etc. Try to stay away from the computer as much as possible.
All have some damn good articles and posts on body language, self-confidence, etc... that'll make you a lot more confident in social situations if you go out and practice; talking to a human, whether it's a boss or a cute girl on the street, is a learn-able skill that can be improved.
Read How to Make Friends & Influence People. The title is not the best but it's a classic book and insanely useful.
Read:
Delete your Reddit account, stop watching television, and read.
Read Plato, Marcus Aurelius, Camus, Thoreau, and Orwell. Read Rumi, Kahlil Gibran, and Keats. Read old english, sci-fi, old fantasy novels, etc.
A few lists:
Reddit's Favorite Books
Benefits of reading:
Create something:
Whether you write stories, music, or draw try to create something. Try to write 300 words everyday on any topic you want, a random dream you had, tasty food, etc.
Travel:
Work on a farm for a week or two while staying in the home of complete strangers. Helpx
Miscellaneous things:
Misc:
/r/LucidDreaming
tl;dr
Make the most of your time and try to improve yourself as much as possible in the next 300 days; whether physically (weightlifting!), mentally, or spiritually.
Decrease reddit/internet use and go outside, hit on random beautiful women, make new friends, etc.
Dale Carnegie mentions this in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People
The specific anecdote there is that it was a competition between the night shift and the day shift and at the end of each shift they would write down the production of that shift so the next shift would naturally try to compete to do it better. That's about all the details that are given in the book though.
You could say she's very ethical about it.
More Than Two by Franklin Veaux. If The Ethical Slut is the non-monogamy bible, then More than Two is the Polyamory handbook. It is a must read.
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Opening Up is a good supplementary book. Overall not as good as More than Two, but it has some unique takes on poly that is worth reading.
Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory by Minx M. Honestly I have not gotten around to reading this yet, but it is by Cunning Minx of the Polyamory Weekly podcast, so the author knows what she is talking about.
Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. This books it last on my list because it tries to pawn itself off as science when in truth it is more of philosophy. It makes good arguments, and backs them up with some data, but the evidence is nowhere as strong as Dr. Ryan wants to claim.
EDITED TO ADD:
If you are going to do non-monogamy it is always a good idea to improve your communication skills. Here are some recommended books on improving communication skills.
The Usual Error. This is a more basic communication book. It is a really good read that will point out some basic mistakes you probably make in communicating.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. This is almost a whole new way of communicating. It is advanced level communications skills. Even incorporating some of the ideas in this book will help you tremendously in hard conversations.
The problem is in India introverts are shamed by teachers, by parents, by society. There is Nothing wrong with being an introvert
In fact read this book - https://www.amazon.in/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I am also an introvert, have always been one. And I love it.
Talk to him face to face about how you feel. Be specific about when you feel angry or hurt. If he doesn't take you seriously, move on to someone who respects the kind of relationship cues you need to thrive. You should feel secure and safe in your relationship, not angry and abandoned. He may not need as much reassurance or attention, and doesn't understand where you are coming from. Talk about it! Share your needs with him.
I also recommend the book "Attached." It's a quick read and very enlightening.
These are 2 of the books he recommended/required all of his top level people to read:
\> I know they say you have to be okay on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship- but it seems like a tall order if you have no support. Just wondering if anyone else can relate.
I used to believe that you have to be okay on your own, but now I disagree with statement. Based off of my personal experience and information knowledge of trauma and attachment, I've revised my belief: Even if we don't need one (1) human to be our other half, we need the right social circle and the access to the right resources to have a solid foundation in order to have the skills, motivation, and support make progress toward their goals, feel secure, and be happy.
While I'm not a professional psychologist, what's working for me is trying to be vulnerable but being careful about who I do it with. There needs to be some thought about who I share it with, like what am I trying to do by sharing it with *this* specific person. Am I feeling some inner pain that I believe this person can ease? Am I sharing an experience that I think they will understand? If they don't understand, am I sharing this because I still trust them and I want to bond with them?
I believe healthy relationships is a balance of *relying* (as opposed to needing) on the *appropriate* people depending on the situation (as opposed to relying on the same person for every situation). Sometimes we will take risks and be let down. Over time by doing so, you refine your radar to know who is the best person for a feeling, situation, or experience.
Wishing the best in your healing.
Just wait until you read more and more on it and spend tons of time watching people. It gets pretty awesome what you can see. It also becomes a game you can play with girls. In addition, you can see things that even they don't realize is happening and this makes for great playful teasing.
I would also suggest adding "what everyBODY is saying". It is a great book written by a former CIA operative who needed to be amazing in order to survive.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061438294/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1368287612&sr=8-1&pi=SL75
Edited to reflect correct title name and include amazon link.
This is such a great book, and is what really sparked my interest in body language and psychology. Great explanations, illustrations, and integration of humor!
EDIT: Here is the link to the book on amazon
> When I once mentioned the figures to her in the past she denied them as made up or only reported by the horny few who wanted to brag.
Assuming you're in the 30-39 age bracket, roughly somewhere between 80 and 95% of couples are having more sex than you. The Normal Bar gives similar (independently obtained) data (but unfortunately doesn't give a detailed breakdown). Don't bring this up with your wife unless she actually starts disputing whether your sex life is normal.
Here is what worked (sort of) for me:
Did this solve the problem? No, but my wife now acknowledges now that there is a real issue and we're (half successfully) working on it.
Finally, before someone else (Draconis?) gets in to say it:
> I love my wife and when we go on dates we get along great
Are you really so sure about that? Do you hold hands? Do you kiss? Is she affectionate? Do you both say "I love you" and mean it as opposed to saying it out of habit? If so, fantastic -- half your job is done.
Sex is a relationship barometer: most of the people in here who say "they are perfect except for sex" (especially those in long term relationships) are in denial. Their relationship is in fact is quite dysfunctional but they haven't realised it yet. Read Gottman and ask whether your relationship is as good as you think it is.
Wishing you success!
That's how it is to be an introvert.
According to The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, introverts have a longer neural pathway for processing stimuli. This makes us think more about what is happening instead of reacting or talking about to it.
In a 2005 study they found that when gambling brought positive results, the extroverts exhibited a stronger response in two regions of the brain: the amygdala and the nucleus accumbens, showing that they processed surprise and reward differently than introverts.
Being an introverts is not the same as being a loner or a shy person. Introverts need a lot more stimuli to change their mood. (happy or sadness)
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking up in a group of people is hard unless you are comfortable with them and I don't believe that is the reason you struggle to develop relationships. Sure, if you're confident and witty, then it's a foot in the door, allowing you to start developing a relationship - if you are always on the edge of things then it becomes more difficult.
I was always on the edge of things in high school. I would sometimes try and insert a comment but it would be forced because I was desperately trying to get myself noticed. When you are in that frame of mind, you aren't relaxed and it becomes far harder to contribute to the conversation.
I used to think this was a fundamental flaw of mine until I got to university and developed a group of friends that actually valued me. I felt relaxed around them and my personality started to come through more.
There are a couple of books that I've read that have really clicked with me. You sound a lot like me, so I think they will help.
Hope this helps!
I don’t equate extroversion with confidence.
Quiet by Susan Cain explains our culture’s overvaluing of extroversion.
I’m introverted and FIERCE.
No no no. Don't do what he said. Unless you're dealing with a girl that radiates "quirky".
The first reason? It could be seen as a beta move where you look away first. Like you're nervous. Then she dismisses you for being a beta bitch.
(edit: the use of "beta bitch" is getting a lot of flack. Obviously, people do not like the phrase. To me, "alpha" and "beta" refer to what a person finds attractive and unattractive. Which changes person to person. I have a friend who loves confident guys. If she makes eye contact and the guy looks away first, she loses interest. She wants a guy to hold eye contact, to challenge her. That doesn't mean a guy can't reignite interest. But eye-contact is her quick test. Some girls might HATE eye contact and think a guy who won't look away is too intense. And a guy who looks away is normal. To this girl, eye-contact guy is beta and less-eye-contact guy is more alpha. There are people who think me using the phrase "beta bitch" is beta. Where someone who says, "Just be yourself" is alpha. That's fine. But there are people who will say, "I would be myself, but I don't know what to say or do?" All I'm trying to do is provide a way to analyze the "is she checking me out" situation in a way that is as alpha/beta neutral as I can. Of course, saying "Hi" and acting natural can work and often does work. But there are plenty of times in a bar where you can go up and say "Hi!" and the girls want nothing to do with you. Not even because "they suck" or "are awful people not worth your time." Just because they're out and don't want to have to deal with dudes trying to hit on them. As someone with a lot of friends that are girls, it's painful to hear about and see how much they are approached and end up coming off as rude because guys are overly persistent. What I described here is what I have found to be the simplest and least invasive method of gauging whether or not a girl is interested.)
But say she doesn't see it like that. Say it works. She looks at the ceiling because she saw you look at the ceiling. Where do you go from here? Do you go up and say, "Hey, I saw you look at the ceiling too?" Do you just walk up and say, "Hi." What if she says, "What did you look at?" Or "Why did you look at the ceiling?" What are you going to say? "Uh. I don't know?" Or do you say something "witty" like "Checking the weather." That's just fucking weird. I mean, sure, there's probably a way to recover and move beyond this moment, but you're starting from a weird and limiting position. Worst case scenario is she doesn't say anything at all and just dismisses you as a weirdo.
Best case scenario is she's quirky and attracted to you and thinks this is a meet-cute and you're in. It can happen. But I would guess a success rate of 1 out of 30.
What you should do is check her feet. Body Language 101. The feet reflect the attention of the mind. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at you, they want to be talking to you. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at someone else, they're focused on that person. If their feet are pointing at the door, they want to leave. (see this book).
Next time you're just standing around in public, check where your feet are pointing. And pay attention to the feet of other people.
I've used the feet method to hook up with a number of girls. Here's what you do.
Look around the bar or party or wherever and see if any girl has a foot (or feet) pointing at you. If yes, move a few feet away. Not far enough to where you're out of her view, but enough to where she would have to adjust her foot. If her foot adjusts and points at you again, yes. Or you notice it later in the night: yes.
If you're comfortable in the situation, like it's a house party and you know a lot of the people, you can go up and introduce yourself. Ask if she and whoever she's talking to needs a drink or something. Walk away. That way you've broken the ice. You can check later to see if the girl has her foot pointed at you again. If so, you go back up and start the flirtation. Or it might be on from the very beginning.
The first time I used this, I was at a house party. One of my friends was talking this girl up, but her feet were pointed at me. I moved. She adjusted. I went up and asked my friend a question. The girl immediately introduced herself and began asking me questions and laughing at everything I said. My friend wouldn't leave. I mentioned wanting to go to the kitchen for a snack. She said she could use one too. Away we went. (In case you're concerned for my friend, he was okay; actually, he apologized for not realizing what was going on and leaving on his own.)
If you're at the bar, you don't have to do a straight approach. But you can close proximity. Usually by having a solid wingman or two. You would notice a girl looking at you. Check her feet. Her feet are pointed at you. You would finish you drink. You and your wingman/men go to the bar. Get more drinks. Be deep into conversation as you come away from the bar. Casually near the girl/her group but not as though you're approaching her. Head near her as though on accident. Stay engaged in the conversation. Stop walking to have the conversation. Laugh. Hold your own in that spot. The conversation can slow and now you're just in that spot. This position affords you many opportunities. The girl can now get your attention. Or you could overhear something her group is talking about and get involved in the conversation. If you're feeling real good, you could just transition to the group with a simple "Hey. My beer tastes awful. What are you all drinking?" and slowly work to your target. Be sure to check her feet. If they want to talk to you, they'll respond to your question. If they don't, they won't. The question doesn't really matter. Imagine DiCaprio breaking the ice with a group of girls. They won't give two fucks about how he starts the conversation because they want to talk to him. If girls don't want to talk to you, a clever line might win them over. But if they do want to talk to you, you don't have to try hard or do anything fancy. The important thing is not to bore them.
Some of this might sound complicated. But it's really not. Once you get used to it, it's very simple.
(edit There are people who claim this isn't natural. Social interaction is a skill, just like anything else. Dribbling a basketball can seem unnatural, but once you do it enough it becomes natural. Same with this. When described in a such a way, yes, it sounds forced. But if someone were to describe their "natural" approach in a self-reflective manner (and not just, "I don't know man, I just do what I do."), it would, I suspect, sound unnatural and calculated. In one comment, someone mentioned "hoop jumping". Whether you like it or not, hoop jumping happens. Some guys actively do it. Others don't think about it. But every romantic interaction is an escalation of hoop jumping. "Talk to me." "Let me touch you." "Touch me." "Let's kiss." "Let's spend time together alone." Every friendship is hoop jumping. Every social interaction is hoop jumping. Some people might be great with hoops and it comes "natural". Others have no idea. But once they become aware and practice using hoops, they can become natural and then romance isn't so hit or miss.)
Oh, if you're at a club--god help you. Just take shots and dance as though the world were ending.
----
I hope the above edits helped clarify. I'm not trying to be a monster. Yes, this is a huge block of text. But social interaction isn't easy for everyone. There are a lot of people who won't care about anything that I said. Which is fine. But there are some people who might learn something. So I went into detail. I know how lost I was when I was a freshman in college. I would have appreciated this information. I don't believe in "Game". I think canned routines are gross. That negs are gross. That AMOG-ing (being the alpha male of the group ("alpha" in the classical "dominance" sense this time)) is gross. I'm all for being yourself. But that doesn't mean "yourself" isn't flawed. If there's something I believe in more than "be yourself" it's "better yourself". Learning how social interactions work--why you were successful or unsuccessful--is part of that process.
Here's hoping I learned how to write a better Reddit post.
23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.
I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.
On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.
Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.
Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you
Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable
There's a great book that addresses this. It's called Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. It strongly urges people to date others who have a similar level of desire for and comfort with closeness, and goes into the biological drivers for why closeness feels so life-and-death important. Failing that, it gives practical tips for how to make your relationship less anxiety-provoking if your partner is avoiding closeness. Per the book, if your partner is prone to avoiding closeness, that tendency isn't likely to change. The communication tips these trolls are sharing here are gold. I'm trying my hand for the first time at a relationship with someone who also enjoys a lot of closeness and it is the bees knees. Near zero relationship anxiety for 4 months.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=attached&qid=1571751595&sr=8-3
According to Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication), it is because we don't teach it. We still have feelings and needs, but often time as children we are left feeling as though feelings and needs are selfish and shameful. But because they still exist it ends up being expressed in tragic ways.
Or if it is really bad, you end up a "Nice Guy" (making secret contracts and hoping to get what you want without ever actually telling anyone what it is).
I found the following non-Christian books very helpful in my own journey to become better at communicating and understanding other people. I highly recommend:
I also recommend the following Christian book for dealing with childhood baggage:
I wouldn't say he's gone that far. He just appeals to common interests (not to mention a grossly inflated sense of self-importance).
Hitler wants to unite Europe under aryan rule, but getting that through war risks a "savage state" that's opposite to what he wants. Gandhi's found his passive methods rather effective, so maybe they'd work for Hitler?
Here I would try to get one of the earlier versions if you can.
I also can highly recommend nonviolent communication Which reinforces similar concepts.
And finally the late Peter Gerlach who recorded a series of helpful videos on youtube before he passed. Like me, he was a survivor of trauma, and helped many of his clients overcome the near impossible struggle towards autonomy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHf3J4P-6Fg&feature=youtu.be
But really the biggest thing to keep in mind is this- you are here asking about it and want to learn. A bad parent won't do that, so you're already ahead of the game. Things won't be perfect, but by being able to see your child for who he/she is, is an amazing and rewarding gift, for both you and the child. It is quite educational.
Parents like mine, did not care about my feelings/wants/needs. They projected their lives, their insecurity, their anger onto me. They made it very clear, using all sorts of signals, that I was there to serve their needs, and that my needs did not matter. So if you can avoid that, you'll be ahead. I also suspect you wouldn't be here if you were going to be like that.
The biggest problem that arises in today's society is that adults think children should be treated like children (infantilization) and that creates a host of problems. I think most of it is detailed in Dr. Haim's book to a good degree. He also wrote some other books for later in life, like between parent and teenager. Although I think between parent and child is his best work.
First, you should drop the attitude of "we need to handle this ASAP." The fact is, bringing up sensitive issues causes people to get emotionally aroused, and high emotional arousal causes unclear, ineffective communication. If she needs some time to "cool down" and get her emotions in check, then give it to her, or the conversations will just go badly anyway.
This isn't to say put these conversations off indefinitely - just give her enough time to think through the situation and calm down emotionally. Two hours or so should do the trick.
The next question is, what sort of tone/language do you use when bringing up these issues? Some people use accusatory or judgmental language, which pretty much dooms the conversation from the start. If you want to be able to engage her effectively without causing her to shut down, try reading up on the principles of Nonviolent Communication. This will show you a non-judgmental, self-aware way of expressing what you need, and will ensure your girlfriend doesn't feel accused or attacked in these sorts of situations.
Fair warning: this is only vaguely related
He discusses being very introverted, and that is definitely something I can personally identify with. If anyone out there struggles with being introverted -- or rather, how people perceive introverts, I cannot recommend this book enough. The author doesn't tell you how or why to be more extroverted, or that you should be...but instead she discusses the pro's of being introverted, and how to deal with the cons. There's really nothing wrong with keeping to yourself, even though society is constantly telling us (for some reason) that the opposite is something to be constantly championed.
Well, as you're in a poly relationship you should know that talking is priority 1. Go read "The Ethical Slut" again.
Communication between all parties should be EASY. If you have a problem, and you're afraid to bring it up, that's a huge red flag on larger problems.
Sit down, talk it out.
That being said, it's entirely possible he's just a super-stupid immature 29 year old. It's entirely possible he just wants to fuck her. She might just wanna fuck him. It happens. But that's stuff you find out when you TALK to your girlfriend.
You also have to sit down with yourself and really think: "Do I wanna be in a relationship with someone who would find someone that much older attractive?" Marley is old enough to make her own decisions, and to reap the consequences of them (even if that means you leave her).
But you gotta sit down and talk. For hours. With everyone. It's a poly relationship, you WILL spend more time talking than doing other stuff. That's just part of it.
Also, never forget the golden rule: Half your age plus seven. For a 29 year old, the lower line is 21, which makes 18 creepy.
Happy husband(28m) of a somewhat open relationship of 13 years here. Don't let all these negative comments scare you. The beautiful thing about your relationship is that it's yours, and you two(or more!) get to tailor it to whatever suits you.
What you're talking about is commonly described as a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" style of open relationship. While not impossible, it does seem to make it a bit harder for most to keep things civil. I can tell you from personal experience that when my wife and I started with this style of relationship, we weren't ready for the amount of communication that was required to make this work, and we faltered. Years later, we have the luxury of time and experience to guide us into what has become a great source of fun for us both, without all the drama we started with.
Before jumping in, I'd recommend grabbing a couple books on the subject. My favorite being The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
What you and your partner are talking of doing can be a very fun and rewarding experience! Just keep in mind that changing your views are monogamy is a bigger test for some more than others.
I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.
Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.
I read Attached and started following the advice. Basically as an anxious attacher I needed to date a lot before I made a judgment about getting into a relationship with someone. Often I'd get into relationships with women who would "love bomb" me only to end up being cold and distant, even cruel. I dated several Borderlines because of this.
Anyway, I dated and dated. Several women at a time (I'm meaning only for a few weeks, never more because of either of our reservations). I met a really nice med student. Pretty wholesome to women I had dated. But I wasn't sure. She said I had to make up my mind soon. So with that in mind I dropped acid. The realization I had on my return was that I needed to stop fucking around, man up, and ask this girl to be my girlfriend. I had a sense as well that I would be asking this one to be my wife.
I'm still in the processing of sorting myself, just finished self-authoring and now implementing my plans. But I'm definitely saving for a ring and going to ask her to marry me. And she knows it.
Sorry if this list is a bit long, this is kind of an obsession of mine. No one source is really all encompassing, but each one offers a different point of view. They also may seem like slightly odd choices, however I have found each one very useful when it comes to understanding how people work. If you want a more streamlined set of sources just use every other link. (I don't know how well these work if you have any sort of innate understanding of body language, but they are excellent for beginners).
Tricks of the Mind - Derren Brown - This isn't the sort of book you would imagine when looking for body language guides, and in fact it doesn't even scratch the surface of how complex our bodies are. However it does contain what I consider to be the most important thing when learning to read people, which is the concept of relativity. Lots of sources give set actions and ascribe to them a meaning based only on the movement, but people are so wonderfully complex that this doesn't work all the time. Derren instead comes up with the concept of relativity - the idea that everybody has their own baseline for body language, and that in order to read body language effectively you need to take into account the divergence from this person's normal body language instead of just looking at their actions in a vacuum. It's also a fascinating read throughout and cites numerous other books you can use if you want more sources.
Changing Minds - this is a very good resource for looking up on any one area of body language you feel you may be rusty on, as opposed to a complete guide. Everything is organised by mood and then by body part, so you can focus on whatever you want. It also covers many other related areas and little tricks for surviving interpersonal relationships.
The Game - Neil Strauss / Fastseduction - Again, odd choices for someone looking to learn how to read body language. These are more of a meta-read than actual sources on body language, as they don't go into body language in much detail at all. Honestly I wouldn't recommend these at all if it weren't for another concept that is introduced through them called Inner Game. Inner Game is about taking all the information that you have gleaned from days surrounded by words -all the actions, routines, and painfully memorized sequences - and inserting it into your daily life, with the aim of having them completely internalized and instinctual. In the book Strauss goes to some crazy pick-up gurus and gets hypnotised over the course of a weekend to try and improve his Inner Game, but honestly that's not necessary. I feel that the concept is very much related to the phrase "Fake it 'till you make it" - just as the man looking to become more confident must put on a façade and keep confidence in mind at all times until the adopted mannerisms become habit, if you want to read people you have to pay attention to everything around you and compare it with what you know. After a while you will find that it takes less and less time to understand what a particular stance suggests, and eventually you won't have to consciously think about it at all. So yeah, not very good for body language outside of one specialist area but excellent for state of mind. There may also be a seduction community on reddit, though I couldn't speak for their body language resources.
Peoplewatching - Desmond Morris - This is one of the single greatest books ever written. It was originally released as Manwatching in the late 1970s and is a staggeringly useful guide to body language. It looks at human behaviour through a zoological lens, giving it a more sterile feel than the more well known guides, but covers everything perfectly. This is I feel the perfect introduction to the subject, covering what body language conveys and speculating on how it came about without attaching too much meaning to any one gesture.
The Definitive Book of Body Language - Allan + Barbara Pease - This is almost an obligatory mention. I don't like this book. It's undoubtedly an excellent resource on the subject, and covers most topics in a nice, well-ordered manner, but I can't bring myself to like it. It has something to do with the attitude of the book I think - right from the title the authors try and place themselves somewhere up above normal humans, and the entire book has an underlying air of condescension combined with complete confidence that what it says is 100% correct and a corresponding smugness. It is also guilty of the worst crime possible (aside from the aformentioned certainty) when discussing body language, which is dressing up speculation and correlation as fact. The book is littered with speculation on numerous topics that are stated without any nod to the fact that it is in fact speculation, such as the line 'Henry VIII popularised this gesture (pursed lips) as a high-status signal because of his small mouth and modern Brits and Americans still use it'. Here I opened the book to a random page and read the first sentence I could. This sounds like an excellent fun fact except for the complete lack of evidence, and this is repeated on every single page of the book. So, while it is an excellent source for body language, please read it with an open mind and salt at the ready.
There are probably hundreds of books and websites I've missed, but hopefully those should help a bit.
Edit: As mentioned above Lie to Me and the Mentalist are good as TV goes, but I might recommend Psych over both of them just because of the way it deals with it - there is some body language stuff in there to pick up on (occasionally), but mostly it's just a hilarious and spectacular show.
Here are some excellent books on narcissistic parenting and its upshots (all available on amazon.com, etc):
Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.
Further, the dynamics of growing up in such families are strikingly similar to what happens in cults. If one is conditioned, socialized, habituated and normalized to a particular form of abuse (before one can recognize the abuse as such) in childhood, it is often the case that one will grow up to seek intimates who are likely to repeat the same form of traumatization to which they were normalized as children. In my case, I took my unconscious -- and unprocessed -- abuse into a series of cult and other co-dependent workplace and relationship situations. If one understands what happens in cults, one often gets a very clear picture of what happened in their own families of origin with narcissistic parents.
My parents did the same thing. I had come out to them once before and then went back in the closet then came out to them again and then went public and full time within 2 months and I didn’t tell them beforehand that I was going to come out. Their response? “Well you should have told us so we could prepare people that we know”
It’s not their transition and they don’t need to prepare anyone. They are emotionally immature parents and you should read a book called:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_z0hVCb2KZADP3
It’s a really good read and will help you learn how to deal with them.
Read all about it: How to Win Friends and Influence People
> I tried to explain it, but they all seemed really concerned about my ex who was having constant panic attacks over being “abandoned.” Everyone tells me that even though she made mistakes, she deserves some kind of closure and that I’m a monster for treating her the way I am.
>
> mom is angry that I’m letting her keep having panic attacks.
>
>My mom had invited her. When I realized she was at the front door, I snuck out a back window before she could find me and drove away. Now my mom is saying I’m not welcome at home until I talk with my ex.
This is some class A emotional blackmail BULLSHIT. From your mom and your friends, no less! She cheated on you and deserves nothing. Your method of leaving (saying "it's over" with no words) was way better than blowing up, like you said. You got to avoid begging, crying, and pleading that might have kept you in the relationship. I can't believe those closest to you are dismissing that cheating is abuse and are pressuring you to soothe her bruised ego. No. She is having "panic attacks" because she is an entitled princess who can't have her cake and eat it too. The injustice of this is maddening; I'm really pissed for you, OP.
Stand your ground and hold your head up high. Repeat to others: "I have no desire to contact her. It is over because she cheated on me, and that's all there is to it." Your mom can't be trusted right now because she tried to force you to be in contact with her. Hold onto the friends who aren't pressuring you tightly. Remember you're not crazy or unreasonable! I highly recommend the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward in case you want some reading material.
Hey man, I'm 23 years old, and I was a pretty big loner too back in high school. I'm still very much an introvert but I'm far from the social recluse I was back then. What I'm about to write probably won't change your life around, but at the very least I hope you might one day reflect back on it and hopefully help you a little bit.
For starters, high school doesn't really matter. It might seem like the biggest thing in your life currently (or not), but most of it won't affect you years later. Even now, some of the more popular kids I knew back in high school have retained like 2-3 friends from back then at most, while everyone else faded away and gone about their own ways. The people that will actually matter, as in your love life and work life, are the people you'll meet outside of high school.
Second, friends and connections don't come without effort. Life isn't some romance-comedy film, where you, the protagonist, meets some whimsical girl on a whim and suddenly click with her. You have to put yourself out there. Now I know, that's pretty much the opposite of what being an introvert is, but here's the thing, I'm not telling you to become an extrovert, far from it. I'm proud to be an introvert, and I'm happy to correct anyone who says/accuses me of having social anxiety, etc. That being said, I don't shy away from opportunities.
What exactly does that mean? Well, for starters, really analyze yourself as a person. What do you enjoy? What do you like? Video games? Anime? My Little Ponies? Death Metal? Soccer? LARPing? Fantasy novels? Game of Thrones? Are you Asian? Black? Indian? It doesn't matter, because I can fucking guarantee you right now that there's someone at your school who shares the same interests, but you have to make the effort to find them. How? Well, clubs and activities are a good place to start, if your interests line with one that's available at your school. Does your school have some online forum? Trying seeking people there. Point is, you're not the only person at your school with your tastes, but you're not going to find them without at least making some effort. But here's the thing. If you don't or can't find anyone by the time you graduate, it's okay. The world is a big place. In the last 5 years since I've graduated, I've met people with similar interests as me in places I never thought I would. I promise you that you will too.
Third, start caring about your physical appearance. I don't give a damn if you're the kind of kid who thinks worrying about how you look is superficial and shallow and you're above it all, because believe it or not, how you make yourself appear matters a whole lot more than you think, not just in social settings, but in your work life as well. No one's going to hire some punk ass teen who looks like he hasn't showered in days and smells like he hasn't brushed his teeth in weeks, and wears baggy ass clothes that don't fit. You might think you look cool now, but let me point you to /r/blunderyears and show you how much of a fool you might look. Start eating healthy and go buy nice, fitting clothes. Button ups, collar shirts, plain-color Tees, etc., I recommend /r/malefashionadvice, even if it has a tendency to circlejerk at times. Start hitting the gym regularly. Trust me, no one judges you, and no one cares you're there, if gym anxiety is what you're afraid of. I'm not making fun of you or criticizing you, we've all been there. It's better for you to realize it sooner and start working on it now than to be an unfortunate (yet hilarious) individual who ends up posting in that subreddit. Bless those souls who have the courage to post there, because I have my fair share of blunder pics that I'm too embarrassed to ever put on a public forum.
Fourth, don't be an asshole. This is purely anecdotal, you may not be like this at all, but when I was in high school I was an elitist prick. I thought I was cool for listening to indie and hating on mainstream radio songs and was a judgmental asshole. I also thought anyone who was religious was an idiot for believing in the supernatural. I studied philosophy, works like Thoreau, Kant, Marx, etc. I thought I was so much smarter than everyone. In retrospect, it's that kind of attitude that repelled people. Look, if you have some passion or interest that you have some insight or knowledge into, that's great! But don't shoehorn it into a conversation unless it's with someone who shares the same interests, and don't act like you're better for having some niche interest. Everyone you meet is your superior, because everyone you meet knows more than you on something, so treat everyone with respect.
Lastly, I highly recommend reading these two books: How to Win Friends & Influence People and Introvert Advantage (both non-affiliate links). I know, it's a silly sounding book, I sure as hell was embarrassed when I bought it. Hell, you might even think the contents of the book are obvious. But in the last 5 years since I've read that book, I ended up employing a lot of the techniques in that book without realizing, and it's paid off. Even if you think it's stupid, as long as you keep the key points of the book in mind, you will subconsciously execute them in social settings, and you will see it pay off, I promise. The second book, Introvert Advantage, will help give insight into your life in more ways than most people in your life will be capable of, because the book will understand you. Your parents, your guidance counselor, or hell your therapist if you have one might not, because not everyone understands what it's like to be an introvert, but this book will. Try giving both a read.
More than anything, I want you to know that high school isn't the end all be all that defines how you'll live for the rest of your life. I was borderline suicidal in high school. Thoughts of how to kill myself was my only solace at night. I honestly thought I would have ended up offing myself by the time I was in my mid-20s, but here I am, happier than I ever was back then. It takes time, a little bit of luck, but mostly a lot of effort on your part.
If she'll maintain eye contact with you with no conversation going on. If she tilts her head slightly down. If her knees/feet are pointing towards you when it'd be more comfortable for them not to be. If she's playing with her hair. If she's been touching you during the date. If she's been ok with you lightly/playfully touching her during the date.
None of these on their own will tell you. Just having her feet point towards you means nothing. Just having her head tilted down means nothing. But if she's playing with her hair, has been touching or is touching you, will maintain eye contact with you during silences in the conversation, you can probably kiss her. You should check out this book Body Language, this is where all my info comes from. There's a section on how different genders flirth. I credit the book with helping me hook up with more women than I would have otherwise. Also sometimes you just gotta take a chance and see what happens. Getting rejected for a kiss isn't really a big deal after you fail a couple times.
mil-spouse about to be on 7th underway in 3 years. Married going on 8 years.
A) You can't go back to "where you were", because you are both different people now. Does it really matter what happened in the past? The future is where you have control. That said you do have to evaluate the past so you can learn how best to avoid those situations
B) You have to lay out what you expect from the relationship, and own up to what you did wrong
C) You have to ask her what she wants / expects out of the relationship when you are gone. This may mean you get to wake up an hour earlier than usual so you can talk to her when you are already limited on your sleep. This may mean emailing more than you care to etc.
D) Both of you take that 5 love languages test (I think it's ridiculous but has merit). It opens the door to discussing what the other one needs/wants out of the relationship. I recommend the military version but it only comes in book form. Long distance book club can help you out as well. (Both get a copy and read it). I also strongly recommend both of you reading the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work These books can help you set up a framework for better communication long-term.
E) If opening up the communication doesn't work, then it may be time to contact www.militaryonesource.mil for some couples counseling. Ain't no shame, and don't let your unit give you shit. Working on your marriage will make you look better. Getting your shit together in this area can actually make your work life easier. Having a true partner at home who has your back can make deployment 12 billion times easier than either not or having to go through a divorce.
Hopefully she is open to some of this. Good luck either way. Fixing this takes maturity on both parties, so hopefully she is on board.
Off the top of my head, I see a couple of options:
First, have you tried talking to her about toys? Would she be interested in receptive penetrative sex? Would she want to try out a strap-on? Related:NSFW (not porn)
Also, polyamory! No reason you can't have deep connections with multiple people. There are all sorts of ways of negotiating poly relationships in order to deal with issues like jealousy and that can accommodate all sorts of sexual inclinations. I definitely recommend checking out the Ethical Slut if you are curious.
Links:
Nobody celebrates Kwanzaa
General Custer
Hornswoggle
Dwarfism is recognized by the ADA
Micro Championship Wrestling
Female UFC fighters
Leprechaun: Origins trailer
List of WWF/WWE champions
Pain and Gain
Q's apple
Banks can sue Target for negligence after breach
Determining how smart pigs are
When Pigs Cry -- WARNING: don't watch if you like eating pork
Chicken farmer exposes conditions Perdue requires -- WARNING: don't read/watch if you like eating chicken
Mammals without tearducts
When Elephants Weep
Burt's Bees documentary
Quiet
Inflatables slashing in Kentucky -- video included
Politifact on "Tear Gas: Banned for war but used by police" ... Mostly True
Chasing white people out of Target
Comparing the differing grand jury testimonies in Ferguson case -- very in-depth and informative
Long history of racial tension in Ferguson
Someone was arrested for stabbing homeless man
"Sandra" Boyle
FBI's Ten Most Wanted (non-terrorist)
Whitey Bulger
Black Friday in 1983
Cabbage Patch Kids Craze
Webkinz
AuctionSniper
The 69ers -- around since the early '60s? So it's not about the year then?
Hells Angels patch vs. Four Color Demons patch
Tarkin
Endurance: Shackleton's Incredible Voyage
The Purge Effect
Here's another one that's relevant: FOG; Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Poor OP has been dealing with this nonsense for so long she's caught up in a fear of disagreeing with her mom, a sense of obligation that she should fit into her designated role and feelings of guilt when she does not.
OP, have a look at Toxic Parents by Susan Forward ( I think there's also a pdf available).
I strongly agree that now is the time to break this cycle, as you're about to start your own mother and child story :) Good luck!
Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking was nice. It doesn't treat introversion like social anxiety or claim introverts are inherently superior, it just talks about how introverts should try to stick with working styles that work for them instead of forcing themselves to love things like group brainstorming. It also discusses problems introverts have in the current "extrovert idealism" of a lot if workplaces.
Your posts are always fun to read - shockingly honest, even about decisions you seem to regret.
Opinion: Smart dude isn't going to be your guy. He's enjoying himself, but he doesn't see you as someone he's going to commit to beyond a regular fuck. He's going to avoid answering a question like that because he doesn't want to screw up what he's got going with you, and he only asks questions like that for validation. Pull the emergency brake on the feels train, or be ready to get hurt.
Keep doing you, but if you start to find that meaningless sex is starting to hollow you out don't hesitate to stop and re-evaluate/recharge.
If you haven't, read this: https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions
Nonmonogamy is like Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce: not for everyone and every situation, but excellent when it's right. And if someone is forcing you to have Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Sauce, something's not quite right.
It sounds like you're not cool with nonmonogamy in this situation, but you don't want to upset the relationship or your SO. At the very least, it sounds like you have some feelings about it that aren't entirely positive.
I would encourage you very, very strongly to talk with your SO about these feelings. Ethical nonmonogamy takes a lot of honest, difficult communication, and LDRs take a lot of communication, too. As someone who's poly, in a long distance relationship with my primary partner who has encounters outside of our relationship, I can say that it's one of the most difficult but rewarding things I've learned to do.
If you want further reading on nonmonogamy (and just relationships in general), I'd suggest The Ethical Slut by Easton & Hardy.
There're probably tons, though I don't know of any better than What Every Body is Saying and Spy the Lie.
Hope that helps!
It's super simple so you should focus on refining the few details that make up the sprite. You have:
The animation tries to add depth but it isn't quite there. You could have its right eye (stage left) go from two pixels to three as it moves from profile to 3/4 view (maybe a single frame during that transition could have the third pixel at 50% alpha), and have its left eye only expand to two pixels (never three).
You could have the shadow on the head move slightly to make the head rotation more obvious. The legs are okay but could look better. If you're really interested in animation, brush up your skills by looking up some tutorials or get a book like The Animator's Survival Kit.
You may also want to stick with the pink color palette rather than the white so it doesn't look like a ghast.
EDIT: Just saw your comments regarding magnets. Maybe change the negative to a dark blue instead of white.
Read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Really, pick it up. It's a book I make sure to read cover-to-cover every 6 months.
> there's this need to be alone, listening to people for more than an hour or two is quite uncomfortable.
That's introversion and it's completely normal. Have you read this book yet?
Approximately 1/20 people are sociopaths. It doesn't even really make sense to call them mean—they're just enjoying themselves. They're scary and dangerous people.
There's a silver lining, though. That means 95% people aren't sociopaths and have a common and genuine sense of morality, fairness, and justice.
And the giant cloud to go with that silver lining is that, as a survival skill, sociopaths usually become experts at exploiting those tendencies to rope people into protecting them and even becoming complicit in their games.
A few, in no particular order:
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
http://amzn.com/1591792576
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Collins Business Essentials)
http://amzn.com/006124189X
Mastering Your Hidden Self: A Guide to the Huna Way (A Quest Book)
http://amzn.com/0835605914
My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies
http://amzn.com/0671019872
Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)
http://amzn.com/1573244988
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
http://amzn.com/0061438294
The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature
http://amzn.com/0060556579
Outliers: The Story of Success
http://amzn.com/0316017930
Iron John: A Book About Men
http://amzn.com/0306813769
It may sound crazy, but I'd rather stay home, surf the internet, listen to music, and maybe read a book instead of hanging out with someone all day.
EDIT: read this book
Your mom sounds narcissistic but I might be misreading. There's a book I've come across in other people's discussions. They've said it's been really helpful.
And if you'll allow me to play armchair psychologist (of which I am only qualified because I have an armchair), I find it interesting that your mom wants to be involved in your son's life. I wonder if it would've been the same if you were pregnant with a girl?
I find myself suggesting this a lot so I probably seem like a broken record. There's a Babycenter board Dealing with the Inlaws and Family of Origin. They are harsh to the untrained eye. They aren't trying to be bitches. It's just that they've seen this situation so many times that they're willing to tell you what you need to hear vs. what you want to hear.
There are lots and lots of stories of narcissistic moms over there including the golden child (your brother) and the scapegoat (you). You might find it cathartic to see that others have experienced this and what they've done to try and solve it.
Don't let your mom bully you into anything you don't want. Shit, if it were me, I'd change the damn day or time of the c-section so she couldn't show up at the hospital and ruin the first moments with your son. You won't get that time back so don't cave in thinking that it'll fix your relationship with your mom.
If you're really wanting to try an open relationship, I highly recommend you read The Ethical Slut. It's an incredibly eye-opening book about how to deal with some issues that might occur when you're in any kind of relationship, not just open relationships (working through jealousy, managing your time, enjoying intimacy, laying down ground rules, etc). And then, once you're done with that book (assuming this girl agrees to the open relationship bit), have her read it too.
You're short, you have acne, you dress poorly, you're no fun to be around, you have no friends/squad, you're shy/introverted/won't approach, you look like a boy and have no authority, you have no sexual experience ... why do you think you should have a girlfriend again?
I know I'm being harsh, but the earlier you learn this the better: you must offer value. Otherwise why do you think anyone would be with you?
Work on the things you can, accept the things you can't.
Short - no solution.
Acne - eat better, sleep better, see a dermatologist.
Learn to dress better.
Finally, learn to socialize. This will have all kind of cascading effects. You will be more fun to be around, you will have a squad, you will have authority based on your friends' opinions of you. It definitely won't be easy, and sure, it goes against what you think is your fundamental nature, but right now, your fundamental nature is also to be girlfriendless. How badly do you want to change the situation?
Some tips for being more sociable: Be generous with your time and thoughts. Compliment people. Listen to them. Think about what they need and offer to help them. Again, you must offer value. Sometimes you won't get anything back. That's part of the pain of the learning process. Let that unrequited kindness go.
Here's a book that may help you with your introverted nature. In part, the author recommends faking it until you make it. Make it into a game, so you can step away, and you can reward yourself for small bit of progress:
https://www.amazon.ca/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307352153/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Na2mzbM4MW1GS
I found a book called The Defining Decade to be hugely motivating, practical, and life affirming when I read it in my senior year in college. I hope it inspires you the way it inspired me :)
​
https://www.amazon.ca/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754
> and THEN when he starts touching me, it actually feels repulsive.
HUGE. Red. Flag.
These types of issues at only 3 months into the relationship, I'd move on to someone more compatible.
You're not LL, you're just LL for him.
You're not sexually attracted to him, and the Pursuer-Distancer pattern you have going on between you is killing off any remaining desire you have for him.
You're just not compatible sexually.
You both deserve to be with someone who is HL for you.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love can help you avoid an anxious-preoccupied partner in the future
To anyone dealing with parents like this, I recommend this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
It helped me recognize all the different behaviors that are related and validated to me that I wasn't crazy thinking their behavior was harmful. It also has some advice about how to protect yourself and maintain (or not) a relationship with someone like that.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
I have recommended this book before, it's exactly what you're looking for.
When I first read it I was just blown away. It was like somebody had followed my family around and then written a book about us.
It has exercises to help you process and get over things. As the book helps you work through the exercises you'll find that your anger will hopefully diminish.
Good luck, and be good to yourself!
I'm still not sure if your problem was with her actual phrasing or the phrase she probably meant to type. Try reading up, maybe. The Ethical Slut. Opening Up. It's ok if it's not for you, no need to complain about it though.
There are dozens of reasons I lose interest or let the conversation fade. Sometimes it's something innocuous that leaves a bad taste. Sometimes I realize I'm not invested at all and don't care how the person is doing/feeling/answers random questions. Often though, I just get busy and have no time to bother anymore.
One thing that has turned me off to OLD lately isn't even OLD. It's this sub and the constant barrage of people saying they've had enough of OLD. It'll never end. Forever alone. Ugh. Any kind of dating is what you make of it. Of course it gets to be much at times and people need breaks. Before OLD breaks were just being single and making yourself happy. Or being single and downing a bottle of wine during TGIF and sobbing a bit at Urkel. Now it's some big ordeal that we all have to whine about on the internet. I think I've just been spending too much time in this sub. It been a little bit daily for a while. I much more liked my once a week or less fill. /rant
Go commiserate with friends for a bit. Take the break. There's a whole ocean of people out there. But don't pick any of them, they're probably all dead.
Shocked this is not listed, this book is one of the top books recommended by both the RSD crew and Mystery's crew - The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
http://www.amazon.ca/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413915194&sr=8-1&keywords=deida+david
Maybe get them this book? :P. Or this one?
Really, if I were you I'd just get them something tongue-in-cheek about misanthropy.
It takes a truly manipulative person to try and make YOU feel horrible, guilty, freaked out, scared, and like the bad guy because HE cheated. He's saying no but I CHOOSE you like he's doing you some big favor.
I think the best place to start would be learning some traditional animation skills. Two really great resources are the Animators Survival Kit and The Illusion of Life. I would read the reviews to see what you think might be best. The Illusion of Life goes into a lot of Disney history and the history of animation itself. Once you get a feel for that, I'd check out Ross Plaskow's Youtube Channel. A lot of people say he has one of the best character animation tutorials. There's lots of different ways to animate characters (frame by frame, rigging with the puppet pins in after effects, rigging with duik in after effects, or rubber hose in after effects (a really easy to use way to create rubber hose style animation and my personal favorite), and adobe character animator - just to name a few. Just an FYI, I suck at character animation, I just really enjoy compiling educational resources. Anyways, I would suggest if you aren't feeling too confident, once you get the principles under your belt to invest in rubber hose if you can afford it. It's really simple to use which gets you making things faster, and I think that's one of the most important parts of learning (just having fun messing around and making stuff). School of Motion did a review on it if you wanna check that out, and Ross also shows how to use it for character animation on his channel. But just remember it's not about becoming dependant on the plugin, I just think it's a great way to get making things quickly.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susain Cain. Highly recommended. Changed the way I felt about my self in a very positive way.
"What every body is saying" would be a great book to start with.
buy this. http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
Maybe I'm thinking of a different pose, but I'm not too sure about this, Joe Navarro says in his book
> When people place their arms behind their backs, first they are saying, “I am of higher status.” Second, they are transmitting, “Please don’t come near me; I am not to be touched.” This behavior is often misunderstood as merely a pensive or thinking pose, but unless seen in someone studying a painting at a museum, for example, it is not. Putting the arms behind the back is a clear signal that means, “Don’t get close; I don’t want to make contact with you”.
so you may be perceived differently than you think? I'm not too sure myself, because this always have to be seen in context and many more factors, but I'm reading this book at the moment and the quoted paragraph came to mind, so I thought I might share.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a good place to start :)
Also How to Win Friends and Influence People is great for learning how to be an adult in a social setting and look good while doing it.
Habis baca buku ini dan ini terus mikir ternyata childhood gw mayan fucked up juga yha. Di satu sisi lega karena akhirnya pengalaman dan apa yang gw rasain selama ini tervalidasi, tapi sejujurnya di sisi lain kesel soalnya gw gak minta ada di dunia ini tapi kok ya gw juga yg kena emotional neglect. Kadang iri sama orang-orang yang keluarganya bisa jadi support system, sedangkan keluarga seringnya jadi trigger breakdown gw :(
I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).
On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.
As you realize becoming great at social skills is just like training any other skill. Realizing you can train it will allow you to build the skill stronger than others who stumble into it. So many will say you can't get better or amazing by reading in a chair. They're right. Read a little, apply a lot, take notes, then review what you did right and what you did wrong, repeat. Get a mentor or training buddy if you can, it accelerates learning, because we can't see ourselves the same as those outside us can. Make a regimen to go out, greet and meet people every day. Or at least three times a week minimum, make it a habit.
I can tell you that I've been in customer service and sales jobs, they taught me nothing because my skills were garbage and sub-par. So I didn't have a paddle for my raft in the world of social interaction. All I got was "people get irritated if I cold approach or try to sell them. Or worse I have to dump mountains of information to make them feel safe." So after studying for the better part of a decade, here's some points that got me to the basics and more advanced subjects. With the basics under your belt, then a job or daily practice will get you understanding and results.
First, learn how to steady yourself mentally, breathing exercise here. Breathing is important as we seem to be learning your heart rate and beat pattern determine more about our emotions than we'd like to admit.
Second, Accept and love yourself, (both those terms may be undefined or wishy-washy to you at the moment, defining them is part of the journey.) Because you can only accept and love others the way you apply it to yourself first.
Third, pick up and read the charisma myth. It has habits/meditations that will be a practice you use every day. I'd say a basic understanding will happen after applying them over three months. Never stop practicing these basics, they are your fundamentals. They determine your body language. The difference between a romantic gaze and a creepy stare is context of the meeting and body language, especially in the eyes.
Sales or cold approach networking will do the same for practice. If you do sales or meeting new people, it is a negotiation. You're trying to trade "value" (safety + an emotion). So if you figure out how to make yourself feel emotion, then inspire emotion in others, mutual agreements happen. Start with Why is a good reference. Here is a summary video. Chris Voss will help you find out that you don't tap into people rationally, you tap people emotionally, big think summary video. Or the full book treatment, Never Split the Difference. The supporting book for Chris Voss' position can be helped by reading Start With No
For training habits and understanding how we execute behaviors, Thinking, Fast and Slow
For dealing with hard arguments and heavy topics both Nonviolent Communication and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Learning what listening is, instead of "hearing" people. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is a good book for that. This is touched on in Never Split the Difference and in the Charisma Myth because true listening, making the person you are speaking with feel "listened to and understood" is most of what makes a charismatic person work.
How to win friends and influence people, Read It
Opening Up
Ethical Slut
You should both read The Ethical Slut. Every topic you could possibly imagine related to this lifestyle is covered in the book. I highly recommend reading it and writing notes in your margins and then sharing your notes with your partner, and then reading hers.
From a personal standpoint, poly-relationships are very, very possible once you get over your own insecurities.
Also check out this book:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307352153/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ApQACbCDH85KV
It's a good read for understanding ourselves and hopefully help your Mom too.
Got a book recommendation for you: https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754 from your post it sounds like this might help you clarify your thinking. I hope you find a path you’re happy with.
But you could start off by reading the book by Allen Pease:
https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723
You might enjoy the book Attached.
Try to understand her. This might be really difficult. I recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" (www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/) and googling polyamory (I like this)
The decision she is forcing you to make sounds different than I would phrase it in her place. Probably she found out about her poly inclinations and values them. But she also values you and doesn't want to lose you. But as yourself I would ask myself: If I had just met this lady and she had told me first point that she wants to life a poly lifestyle, would I start a relationship with her?
Why am I saying this? Because what she does probably not want is someone who grant her the rights, but is totally unhappy with the situation. You should try to understand her and her new lifestyle and then decide if you can life with it or not. If you can, stay together. If you can't, tell her and see what's more important to her - you or her lifestyle.
Be openminded. I don't think that her position makes that little sense, but it's definetely not mainstream.
I would NOT assume that she has already slept with someone else - because after all she is coming out to you about this in an honest way and you should appreciate this honesty.
I think though, that she probably has someone else in mind.
For me the central question concerning this issue is about how you define love, in an exclusive way or not. Why shouldn't people be allowed to love more than one person?
just my 2 cents.
So the biggest mistake that a lot of students myself included make, is that they want to get into the really cool stuff first. Animating Spider-man and fight scenes and other bad ass stuff is absolutely why we do what we do. But before being able to do any of that, the fundamentals of animation really need to be hammered in. And the best way to do this is to animate very basic stuff like a ball, or a tail, doing this will help you understand weight and timing. One of the things that I heard repeated constantly in school was that a bouncing ball can be used in most objects, even someone like spiderman. Picture his hips are a ball, and then get the timing of that ball swinging perfect so that it looks like is actually swinging on something. And from there you can start adding more things that make it look real, start animating the arms, then the legs, and the body, and the head. Trying to dive head first with no experience into a complex character will lead to frustration and potentially bad habits.
​
Check out this video on the 12 Principles of Animation, it can seem kind of tedious to learn all of them, but they are all important, some more then others depending on the kind of animation you are doing.
​
For my experience, I started school in late 2011, and it took me 5 years of work to break into the industry after animating constantly. Mind you I was (am) an extremely slow learner with animation, I wasn't good at retaining the information and would constantly blaze past the boring stuff because I just wanted to animate "cool" stuff. I got a job finally last year, and since then I have worked on five different movies, 3 or 4 advertisements including briefly on a game cinematic, and am now currently working on a projected theme park show for one of the biggest theme parks in the world. Being where I am now came with a ton of hard work but also a fair amount of luck and willingness to make friends and connections.
​
If you are serious about pursuing animation and you think you can become passionate about the art and the history behind it, then I would suggest pursuing some form of education in it. There are a ton of online schools with some very talented teachers, and while expensive, they are still cheaper then going to a university.
​
Like I said, it has taken me forever to grasp animation, sometimes I still think the studios are making a mistake in hiring me haha, but I work hard and am eager to learn more. The best advice I can give you is to start basic, work your way up, learn the stuff about animation that only animators can see, and practice as often as you can.
​
Edit: I figure I should mention this as well, a man named Richard Williams who unfortunately passed away just a few days ago wrote what is widely considered the animation bible. I doubt you will find an animator that doesn't own or hasn't put at least some time into reading it. I would highly suggest picking it up, it's called The Animator's Survival Kit, and it's as legendary as he is.
You should also look into The Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams, the guy behind The Thief and the Cobbler and animation director for Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Judging by your bros channel he seems really into animation, theres a awesome book called the The Animator's Survival Kit it covers everything and can be applied to any type of animation.
How To Win Friends and Influence People is a good place to start.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man's_Search_for_Meaning. Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning.
More recently, "Attached" by Amir Levine. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139.
I believe the poster is referring to attachment theory, which is not gender-based but has more to do with early formative experiences.
I also "get attached easily" (anxious attachment, as it is called ).
And I'm hardly feminine and have plenty of options (and the experiences to verify it).
It actually means that you have to be MORE selective, to ensure you're not connecting with someone who is on the opposite side of the attachment equation ( someone who is "avoidant" ).
more info:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468767337&sr=8-1&keywords=attached+amir
Second this. The FBI's top expert on body language. Actual book title is What Every BODY is Saying
Since he was taken in for possible child porn charges, I think you are pretty well off assuming you are out of his interest range.
By what you described, I think he does not remember you and has no actual interest in you, but situational awareness is something that I think should be an effing basic school requirement.
I got that book just to further my education as a security agent, but after reading it, people make more sense.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
Try one hand clasping the other wrist combined with your head down, otherwise known as the "mormon second wife" look.
For a more assertive look, try both thumbs in the slightly side back lip of your jeans.
I've also found this book useful in figuring out what I should do with my body pose.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1343784770&sr=8-4&keywords=guide+to+body+language
same reason we cover our mouths when we yawn. opening our mouths makes us become a more 'vulnerable' target to a predator, so we cover our mouths to hide the vulnerability. Its just another trait we picked up from our ancestors that really isn't a learned behavior but more instinctual.
same thing goes for when people cross their arms across their chest. they don't like what they're hearing and/or they are unsure about the situation they're in. the arm crossing is an instinctual behavior to cover your vital organs.
check out this book if this stuff interests you.
pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut. Read it. It's basically a 101 guide to "what is this poly thing, how do people do it, where could I fit in with it"... there are a ton of other books on the subject (I've heard "Opening Up" is good), but that's the one that I know and love, and where I've drawn most of my inspiration for my poly relationship (almost 3 years now ^_^)
It's difficult to say everything that needs to be said in a concise way to someone who is just starting out, but I do want to say that you are in a great starting place - knowing that you love your wife, and this is something that you would like to know more about... that's better than a lot of couples looking to open up (or members of a couple). She trusted you enough to open up about her feelings rather than go behind your back and cheat to fulfill these desires... all of this is a good place to be
The thing about poly is that it is not a get out of jail free card for one partner to do all the gallivanting around they want to do without concern for the other person's feelings. To really work, it needs to work for both/all people involved. There needs to be communication and compassion. Ditching your partner at a bar to make out with some else is super shitty behavior, and not a normal part of healthy poly.
More than two is a great resource with tons of articles about polyamory that was super helpful to me when I first started exploring it. The Ethical Slut is a good intro book as well.
Edit: formatting
I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.
I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.
Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.
After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.
We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.
I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!
Good luck on spreading the love!
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706
http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/
I'll be the voice of dissent here and suggest that you try it. What do you have to lose? You're young and thinking of leaving the relationship anyway. If you try it--really try it--and it doesn't work out, then you'll leave the relationship. It's a wash.
Polyamory is fucking scary, but it may pay dividends. I suggest you read this book with your SO:
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
Good luck!
My wife and I have been through something like what you describe, even though we're a lot older than you. We were lucky because when I realized we had a so-so sex life and started talking about improving, my wife was totally on board.
One of you has to step up to the plate and say that mediocre sex stops now. You're going to be the one to do that, probably, since you're the one who posted about it here.
You're going to have to learn to talk about sex openly and freely. This may be scary at first but it gets easier with practice. You need to be able to argue fairly about difficult topics. If you can't do that, learn. There are many good books about fighting fair as a couple that have exercises in them you can do together.
Read as much of /r/sex as you can stand, to learn how wide-ranging people's tastes are. Figure out what you want from sex and what turns you on. People's definition of bad sex varies widely.
You both need to visit mojoupgrade and fill out the quizzes there. Try everything you both are willing to try.
Get yourself a copy of this book which is 40% bullshit but the stuff in it that works, works great. Doubt everything you read in that book and take away the stuff that works for you.
Get into therapy, preferably with a therapist that does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which has a proven track record and is not just smoke and mirrors. Find out what makes you tick and learn to fix your broken parts.
This is just a start, a few stubs of ideas to help you. I wish you well.
This has "alcoholic mind-game" written all over it.
Get a copy of the book "Games Alcoholics Play".
>I recap the situation for him in the morning and he gets fucking pissed at ME like I fucking did something wrong and then when I tell him his hostility is groundless he says it's not groundless if he wants to be hostile
And for this, get a copy of "Emotional Blackmail" AND this book as well.
>In all honesty my BF is a great guy he just does stupid shit and thinks that he is somehow immune to his own policies just because he is himself. If I did to him what he did to me last night and this morning, we'd be broken up already, no question.
This is exactly the kind of statement often spoken by women who later end up in serious domestic violence situations.
Do your homework, get informed, study the recommended books before taking any further action with your boyfriend.
I try to remember that extroverts don't know how to handle us any more than we know how to handle them.
Then, you can be snarky and tell them "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt", but that's not likely to endear you to anyone that doesn't already know you well.
Alternatively, you can keep a copy of Susan Cain's excellent book in your desk, maybe even on your desk, and offer to let anyone making these comments borrow it.
Those kind of people can fuck off. This representative clearly lives in a bubble. Don't be ashamed of what kind of person whom you are. If a person is a friend of yours then s/he will respect your introversion. Now, yes, extreme introversion is an issue (as is with any extreme), but there is absolutely nothing wrong with simply having an introverted personality.
Now in regards for something more productive, I would go and talk to your dorm representative and attempt to have an honest discussion on why her perspective is demeaning, misunderstood, and incorrect.
I highly recommend the book by Susan Cain: Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. Introversion is something that is highly misunderstood and it is extremely important to have open discussion.
Edit: Spelling is hard. Added link.
Edit 2: Spelling is very hard.
This is something I've always felt, and had confirmed when reading Quiet. She talks about one of the common related traits of introversion being High Sensitivity, which sounds to me like what you're talking about. You're really sensitive to your "emotional surroundings" as it were.
The way I think of it is like this: if you had super-sensitive hearing, being out in the world all day would be a real trial. Hearing cars zoom by, constant chatter, etc would wear you out and you'd need to go home and get some silence to rest your eardrums. I feel that way about emotions/people. After a day or two of being around other people a lot, even just being in the office, I need some "emotional quiet time."
I also have the same reaction to awkward/embarassing things in movies or TV. My first strong memory of having that reaction was during the Mr. Bean movie, which I saw with my family. In many scenes, they were laughing uncontrollably and I just wanted to look away.
Gonna go ahead and plug a book, The Defining Decade by Meg Jay. It's filled with case studies of people in their mid-twenties figuring out their careers, romantic lives, and mental well-being. I'm 25 and often panic about career direction and purpose. I feel this book gives a very informed look on how the sky isn't truly falling. It's a quick 200 pages and I walked away feeling a whole lot more confident about my position.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking was a pretty good read recommended to me by another introverted INFJ friend of mine. Although it isn't specifically about INFJs, it is all about the "I", and I came away with some new ideas.
introvert here but far from wimpy and quiet. I'm fine with people I am close to and my definition of introversion is not to be annoying outgoing. I don't need to speak to you just for shits and giggles and don't come bugging my ass when I'm in the middle of something. The power of quiet my friend.
this helped me out a decent bit. you may also want to check out books on poker (specifically those covering bluffs and tells) as well as videos like this, [this](https://www.youtube.com /watch?v=l_k-u0bldf4) and that. good luck, and happy learning.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_YxHFzbFDRSPS2
Intimate Connections and How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Here you are
You'll see this one recommended a lot :
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a classic and for good reason. I always find myself going back to it. In fact there are quite a few books I'd argue that build upon it
Another very good one is by Leil Lowndes called
How to Talk to Anyone. It gives a lot of useful tips on how to make conversations exciting and vibrant.
Also, John Sonmez's books are really good too because they focus on communication skills from a developers point of view. I really liked these because it also teaches how to develop your career and start your own brand:
These are just off the top of my head, I'm sure there are plenty more. Hope that helped!
>I had personally verified that every other step was correct. He started talking about how "it's not the point of the problem", even though it would only take five minutes to explain, and eventually told me that he wasn't interested and just walked out. If he wasn't so insistent, I'm sure he could have easily explained what is going on.
Sometimes, to get a little you have to give a little. He was rude, but you didn't even seem to entertain his request for the actual problem.
It sounds like both parties could have handled the situation better. A perfect opportunity for a crucial conversation. [1]
[1] https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/
I've recommended this book about a billion times, sorry if it's getting boring.
I'm very anxious in relationships. I drove myself mad with a new guy in January and wanted to stop doing it to myself. Some internet reading led me to attachment theory in adults and eventually the book. I can't recommend it enough.
Not all sociopaths are murderous psychopaths. There's a really good book called The Sociopath Next Door that describes how the unmotivated sociopath could simply just lie and manipulate to get someone to cover his bills, for example.
Edited to correct autocorrect
I'm so bad at this too! I can recall three different times when my friends have told me that some guy was "totally into me" and I was completely oblivious. I tend to be that way with body language in general as well. I found this, which seems to be a fairly straight-forward step-by-step guide to flirting. And here is the book they reference in it. I dunno, might be worth a read. In any case, it seems like it is something we may need to practice. :P
Part of my divorce was what you describe - and my ex is not living "a happier" life.
I do understand your position, and you probably feel underappreciated or alone..... but you need to also try and give your husband the benefit of the doubt ($1000s in therapy and that was the best advice - it is simple and true). He too is working and exhausted, he too needs love and attention..... He too needs to escape (TV or other distractions).... And these times are difficult, children are difficult. You should ask yourself how he has changed, has his dream of an "authentic life" really disappeared? Probably not, he is just getting up and working to make sure the house is over your head and food on your plate. He probably has shifted his view of the world as well, kids will do that.... He probably wants to see your kids have the best outcome - and that might not be a tiny home, home schooled while driving around the world... He probably is trying to make sure there is stability in their life.
Have you gone on a date with him recently? Have you tried to talk with him and work on your physical relationship? Have you tried? Marriage is hard, and divorce will not make it easier and the courts will definitely reduce your "dreams of an authentic" life because they only care about consistency and predictable future for your children.
Another "$1000s advice from marriage therapy", you need to create positivity in your relationship. It does not happen naturally, it is work and it is intentional. Stop expecting from him and stepup to create a better relationship for you and him. A healthy relationship needs 4 out of 5 (generic #s) to be successful. If you have more negative, then you will have a unrealistic and unhealthy belief your husband is a "problem".
Marriage is tough, mainly because you are doing things out of love. Being a mother is tough, because you are constantly being selfless (and fatherhood is the same - he too is giving up on dreams and being selfless)....try reading 7 principals that make a marriage work (link below), it is a interactive marriage book for couples.... And you would be surprised at how not unique your marriage difficulties are, at how "textbook" your situation is.... A lot of people struggle with your exact issues and situation.... A lot of marriages end do to the transition from "ideal love" to "fuck: kids, work and family are taxing in life".
And... To counter your issues, ask yourself how "free" your life will be when you are single and working to stay a float. Having to do 100% of your life work and planning... Trust me, that dream of a unique life will be harder to accomplish. How unique will it be dating again, trust me it is not that cool and unique having 1 night stands and being disappointed over and over again.
Try and talk with your husband about your dreams and needs, and ask that he really listens to you.... And then you need to drink a dose of reality and be patient. Life will happen and give both of you time to reacclimate to life as parents.
But, honestly... if anything, try to work on your relationship... It is the easiest and most rewarding work you can do. There are great resources out there. If you choose therapy, be judgemental and picky because there are bad therapist out there. The tpey of therapy that I appreciated was EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). It is research based and focused on bad habits.
Here is a start:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mAQuDbWNFBMXB
Take care, you can do this! Because, being loving and supportive parents and not divorced is a unique life... Try to change your perspective. (But don't run away from your dreams, just plan and live them out).
I found this book helpful, especially the first third.
http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert-World/dp/0761123695
Got any hobbies? If there's something you can share with others like juggling, skating or music; that's a good way to socialise a little but stop it from being just endless banal chatter like visiting a bar.
I would suggest reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331859408&sr=8-1
And follow what it says. It's helped me be a nicer, more affable person.
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
To be honest, eye contact has more to do with how people perceive you (confident, shy, lying, nervous) than with reading what they're feeling. And these perceptions are notoriously unreliable. Body language, the hands in particular, are a much better guide to what they are feeling. Here's a great book on body language.
As to general advice, the main thing is to pay attention. We're absolutely horrible at paying attention to other people even when we nominally are. We routinely tune out, or start thinking ahead to how we will respond instead of just paying attention to what they are doing and saying. Next time someone is complaining about something, pay attention to the stress in their voice, how they're sitting, what their hands are doing. Notice the details. Don't lapse into your own thoughts. Don't start formulating your answer until they're done talking.
tl;dr: Use your eyes to control how you are perceived. Watch their hands to see what they're feeling. And pay attention.
Actively listening to another can be challenging, at least for me. For anyone interested in how to develop this skill, this book is a good place to start..
Psychology (studied, but never practiced)
Here are a selection of interesting books:
Number one: For an extrovert, talking is a fulfilling experience for them that they enjoy. The fact that they're "making an effort," well, the effort for them is very small, and it's something that they will benefit from as well. They have their own "selfish" motivations, as well. They will feel better from the exchange at the end. Better because they had some kind of distraction and didn't have to be bored, and better about themselves because they did something that was "nice."
A shy person will very often not benefit anything from the exchange. They might feel worse about themselves at the end. Especially very self-critical people. And, as an introvert, you don't get your energy from other people, so the effort that it would require from an introvert is not the same effort that it would require from an extrovert. So the question is why even do it.
You're making the assumption that talking to another person that you don't know is the "nice" thing to do. Yes, if the other person wants to talk. If the other person doesn't want to talk, then not talking to them is actually the "nice" thing to do.
You give this example:
>And when that person is shy. When that person is fighting me and not engaging with me, well I can't help them; assuming that is what they want.
In that situation, you, as the extrovert, trying to talk to them is perhaps the "selfish" thing to do. Maybe you are being the "selfish" one when a person doesn't want to talk and feels that it is a disturbance and annoyance to them, and yet you attempt to talk to them.
My point is that neither one is really selfish. We can't read the minds of people that we meet to know whether they want to talk or they don't want to be bothered.
Additionally, people who are extroverted get rewarded from interacting with other people, so you can't say that what they are doing is the opposite of selfish. You don't know how much of an effort something is, how much more difficult it is for one person over another, and how much benefit each person gets in the end.
Have you ever read Quiet by Susan Cain? It explains a lot of the differences between introverts and extroverts.
Check out this book.
Basically you need to start paying attention to how your body reacts to things. I learned that I can be “on” as an extrovert most of the day but it will wipe me out for at least 2-3 hours when I get home. So I just need to chill out with a video game or podcasts and recover.
If it is certain type of events try to find ways to “beat them to the punch”. For instance if you want to avoid unnecessary meetings then deliver the ask before the meeting so you don’t need to attend.
Troubleshoot yourself or find a professional to help. Because that is what I ultimately had to do to get someone to help me understand my limits.
I just read a book on introversion that argues strongly against "brainstorming" and other design-by-committee ideas using a different example from Apple: Steve Wozniak designing the hardware for the original Apple computer almost entirely on his own.
Perhaps crowds do best in answering questions with definite answers but limited availability of facts, but individuals do best when innovation and creativity are required, provided the individual is talented and knowledgable on the subject.
Please do not interpret what i'm about to say as me being an asshole (although I often have been accused as such). I'm trying to help, rather than bullshit you with the equivalent of a participation trophy or a motherly pat on the back.
I'm stating this with love (although it is tough love): If I've ever seen someone that needs r/TheRedPill, its you my friend. I'm not saying that you should become an asshole or be disrespectful to women, but rather that you should focus on building yourself up in the same style. There is absolutely the capacity to be an alpha male within you. And that's what women will find attractive consistently. I'm not saying you should become a macho chump poser that demeans and disrespects women (that's not what a real alpha male does anyway), but rather that you should identify and adopt the characteristics of an alpha male that women find attractive and craft your own new persona. Root out the JW mindset and adopt a new one. Got me?
Its time to work on yourself rather than working on trying to get laid. Its time to grow a pair of balls. Now, rather than simply saying "grow a pair of balls", let me try to help and give some recommendations of how you might go about doing that.
Get a gym membership (maybe check and see if your university has one that you can use free), and try the Starting Strength program. See here: https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738/
Starting strength will make a man out of you. One tip: Don't use the smith machine. Use a real squat rack. Yes, its required. Yes, with barbells.
Read this book too, its a real eye opener for reading people (including women): https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/
Read up on affirmations, how to make them and use them, and start using them DAILY, maybe even more often than once a day. You probably don't need a book to research this, a simple google search will do. Harness the power of positive self-talk.
The words you say to yourself in your head or mutter to yourself quietly when nobody else is listening have a huge effect on how you view yourself. And by extension, others (especially women) can sense how much value you perceive that you have, and often will treat you in accord with that value you project.
>My date was kind of rude as she actually took a phone call from her male friend within the first 10-20 minutes of the date, I think she was even flipping through Tinder as we were talking.
This should have been an early warning signal letting you know that she wasn't worth your time. She didn't value your time and presence (and that is likely because you didn't establish your own value to her).
>Of course my problems only make me feel worse as one of my roommates is like extremely fit black young Hugh Hefner. This guy fucks all the time, like weekly.
That is fucking hilarious lol, but I really sympathize with you. I'm sure its torture that he's getting laid every night and you have to listen to the fucking. Is this guy friendly towards you? Is he willing to help with your issues? You never know, he may take some pity on you and help you to work on yourself a bit. Even if he isn't, pay attention closely to his attitudes and interactions with women and with others wherever you can. Don't try to be an exact copy of him, but watch for attitudes, words, and actions that he manifests that feel right for you, and that you could adopt into your own new persona.
>I feel especially shitty as "technically" I'm not a virgin because I fucked who I thought was going to be a women through MeetMe, but it turned out to be a transgender dude, my fault I guess as further inspection of the photos made it more obvious. I was going to leave but I was persuaded by an offer of a blowjob. I figured this was the first time I was offered anything sexual and I was under a lot of family related stress at the time so I said fuck it and got a BJ, and had to reciprocate him in the backside.
This is some 4chan shit right here, so allow me to present the appropriate meme: http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/55556666.png
Don't beat yourself up too bad. Its behind you, and you never have to do this again if this type of hook up is not your style.
>So apparently finding a dude that wants to fuck is incredibly easy, finding a women in my case is like hunting for the holy fucking grail.
Yes, that's the honest to god truth when you don't project enough value to others. The only people you attract are people who are as desperate as you are.
>Don't get me wrong that all I want is sex, yes sex would be awesome, but I'm not afraid to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm not going to turn down a hookup.
This screams desperation. You need to drop this mindset immediately. (Again, affirmations will help with this)
>My philosophy is just honoring whatever dating arrangement I agree to with a person, I have no religious reasons.
Again, desperation, compliance, submission. These traits will not attract women - at least not desirable ones.
>I tried talking to some women at parties, asked one to dance and she said no, even though she was standing against the wall not doing anything...
Again, you projected a lack of value, she judged you on the surface because of the lack of value you projected, and shut you down.
>...asked another how she was doing and she said good and that was it, and I had a little more luck at my last party as I got to help a girl with her Microsoft Access homework, we high-fived and were both wasted. I asked her if she was single and she said yes, but that she was just visiting and was going back home in a couple of days, so I just shook her hand and said it was nice we met.
That didn't mean she wasn't DTF my friend. She may have just been waiting for you to move on her. Lots of times, women are waiting for a man to confidently take charge when it comes to initiating sex. I'm sure nobody ever told you that (hell, nobody told ME that!!), but it is often true :)
>I'm giving this college thing one more semester before I call it quits. I'm not going to get another degree if it requires me to be miserable and single for another 3 years. I mean I'm charting into 30 year old wizard territory at this point and it scares the shit out of me. My friends have been trying to get me to move to Florida and I just may take them up on the offer.
Changing your location without changing your mindset is not likely to make a significant change to your circumstances. Although, it could offer you the opportunity to a fresh start, which could be helpful :)
>Any advice would be appreciated, I just feel the cult has taken a huge chunk of my life away when I was supposed to learn valuable social skills. I feel like a fucking child or an alien learning how to be human, even though I have been out of the cult for quite some time now, but have really only been away from toxic family for four months.
Yes, that's probably what happened. And its up to you to change it. Nobody else is going to do it for you. So stop wallowing in your own misery and change it. (Respectfully, with tough love, man to man.)
>My plan for next semester is
joining some clubs, going to bars, and going more parties, and trying to strike up more conversations with women in classgetting a gym membership, working on your self esteem and your ability to project your value to the opposite sex, and learning how to interact with women in a way that makes you attractive.>If nothing happens in the second semester I'm just going to say fuck it and move, I'm at a point in my life were I'm tired of going out to eat by myself, shopping by myself, watching movies by myself, and doing everything else by my fucking self. All I did this Thanksgiving was sleep and get drunk. I've read all those articles about "loving yourself first", this isn't a problem about loving myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so fucking sick of being alone, I don't have a family, I have no one close to me.
I feel your pain man. Now is not the time to give up, but it is time to change your approach.
Yes. From what we know about BPD, it's partially onset by a genetic factor of higher emotions than most people. What completes the onset is being raised in an emotionally invalidating environment. Abuse or neglect of our (high) emotional needs can very well stunt your emotional growth into full on BPD.
You mention your parents a lot. This book is free to read on Amazon Prime and it's wonderfully insightful to what you may have experienced with the parental situation you're describing.
Wow, are you me? I have nearly the same story.
My dad grew up with physical abuse so he went 180 and became an absent father. If he wasn't always at work he was literally ignoring everything by watching TV.
My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive, possibly overcompensating from my father never parenting. Maybe that's also why he zoned out in front of the TV, to avoid my mother.
As a teen I was in therapy and identified I was severely missing my absent father. Just a few months ago I realized I still am still seeking his approval, as if I'm 20 years younger.
Both of my parents were emotionally immature and my gf recently gave me a wonderful book that helped me understand both of their parenting dynamics, and how to cope with them now.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_p3lZCb458Y2X3
I'm currently very low contact with them both.
Why did I suddenly dive down the rabbit hole into my parents dynamic? My girlfriend has 2 kids. I have always had a strong aversion toward having kids. I realized it was mostly because I didn't want to become my parents and have a child become resentful of their own childhood like I did. I had to figure out why parents did what they did, and now I can make sure to break the cycle.
Definitely not buying your book just to find out what your "credentials" are. Let me guess, you read The Sociopath Next Door and deemed yourself an expert?
An excellent book on these types of people: The Sociopath Next Door
It begins, "Imagine - if you can - not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful or immoral action you had taken. And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools. Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs. Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless. You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness. The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience, that they seldom even guess at your condition. In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world. You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain undiscovered."
Supposedly 1 in 25 people, or 4% of the U.S. population is like this. Personally, I wish I had been better educated about these types of people and how they operate, because a couple of them really f*cked up my life and almost killed me.
My girlfriend who faces a similar situation tells me reading the following book has been very helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
You should read this book if that comment was helpful to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I listened to it as an audiobook first which I actually liked a lot, since my library had the audiobook for free on the phone app. Then I bought it so I could take notes, look at the charts, and take the quizzes in the book. $9 for my used Amazon copy, $13 new
It's not only about the "avoidant" people, also has good segments on people who are more "anxious" about relationships, overthinking things, caught up in small details, wanting constant communication, etc.
I think it's great that you're willing to look into polyamory even though your first experience with it was not so great.
I don't think that this girl handled her relationships badly, necessarily. She was honest and upfront with you about everything she wanted and did. She may need some time management skills and some general communication skills, but from your story, it didn't seem like she was unfair to you. I get how being told you are not her "main" boyfriend could have been painful, but maybe she was just trying to make sure you understood that her commitment is first and foremost to him and she wanted to be clear that she wasn't going to leave him for you. Some people go into relationships with polyamorous people thinking that if they love them enough, they'll be able to convert them to monogamy (which can happen, but might not too).
>I feel like this could have worked out if only I had been less insecure and not solely dependent on her for my relationship needs. Slowly I was managing to get rid of my jealous insecurities, and I even now question their rationality. I don't know that I could be in a poly relationship with this girl, but I can feel that it has definitely changed how I will approach future relationships.
You will probably never 100% "get rid" of jealous insecurities. We all have them from time to time. The difference for poly people is that we understand that jealousy is an emotion that stems from a fear of losing something. We will self analyze and work through what it is we're scared of losing, and seek reassurance when needed. Some people in poly have jealousies around their main partner, others have no jealousies with their main partner but tons with their secondary partner, etc. It's different for everyone, but it's important to get some insight into WHY you're feeling that way and go from there.
>How did you all come to be polyamorous? Was there some definitive experience, or did you just kinda know it was what you wanted?
I didn't know the word when I became polyamorous. I just knew that I had developed feelings for other people besides my husband. It started out as a sexual relationship mostly, but developed into more. We all thought that we weren't looking for "relationships" with other people, just sex with other people. Once we decided sex with just each other (I'm in a quad of 2 married couples), strong feelings of love developed. We decided to go for it, and research led us to the poly community.
You'll probably hear from more than one person, to read "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut". Probably the best books out there about open relationships/polyamory.
Edit: Content
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People by Joe Navarro
Great resource on the things to look out for in body language. It made me more aware about my actions and noticing things in other people. My favorite thing to look at now is thumbs. They speak volumes.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061438294?pc_redir=1413517413&robot_redir=1
Read Leil Lowdnes "how to talk to anyone" its a really good book that I've used to help people who struggle with that. One technique for instance is paying attention to what people say. If someone says, "man this rain is probably fucking up plants at home." Guess what they may want to talk about? Plants. One big thing I also learned was be interested don't try to be interesting. Let me know what you think. Check the link to her book below.
HOW TO TALK TO ANYONE
As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:
I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)
Sign up for Okcupid.
Here are some tips for writing your profile.
Answer the questions, particularly the ones that involve agreeing with ethical non-monogamy.
Use chrome, and install this add-on, which will tell fairly accurately if a person is polyamorous by nature or not.
Wait. Hold up. We're getting ahead of ourselves here. Have you read any books give advice on how to navigate becoming polyamorous?
If not check out The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.
When you're looking for ethically non-mono guys, be aware there are some mono men who say they are down for it but will inevitably cause drama or back out at some point down the road (either when they want to get serious or when you find another partner you connect with).
It's a good idea to ask about their experience being non-mono. Also, ask what kind of rules they might expect to put in place for their partners (hint, it's kind of a trick question).
There are plenty of caring, communicative, and loving men out there looking for poly ladies but it may take some time to figure out the process and learn exactly what type of situation you want to be a part of. Good luck.
1.) You are putting the opinion of others above your core values. You believe you need to prove yourself to others and have an external locus of control.
2.) Your wife is overweight/unhappy because of the above. She wants a man who acts like a man.
suggested reading:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343349702&sr=8-1&keywords=the+superior+man
http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343349734&sr=1-1&keywords=models%3A+attraction
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343349752&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr.+nice+guy
I realize that all of this year's books have been chosen but I have to suggest "The Way Of The Superior Man" by David Deida
The playing field is even if everyone is getting their needs met. Not everyone in the relationship has the same needs or history, so some agreements about time/titles/etc. might be asymmetrical, but still "fair". You should all read The Ethical Slut if you already haven't. It might help everyone navigate this road a little easier.
Pleasure to speak with you (both). I'm a 32M and bisexual myself. I have had to navigate this same obstacle course with my life-partner and believe me, you are going about it way better than I did. The trick to opening up a LTR is to be selfless at every turn, and in doing so, your personal wants usually get met. If you are both giving towards each other, and you both genuinely want the other to have every positive life experience you can possibly have, then your hearts are in the right place. Feeling a sense of joy that your love is getting to enjoy something wonderful, even if it doesn't involve you is known as compersion. It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. It is also an emotion you can learn to have. Example: If you guys do find the right woman to bring home, and the two ladies are going at it, husband can either tell himself "this is happening because I am inadequate" or, he can say "this is happening because I want my wife to be happy, and I am so adequate that I am able to give her this happiness". Feelings of jealousy that sneak into the situation can be labeled correctly as relics of your childhood conditioning. There is nothing that can't be unlearned, or relearned.
I highly recommend you get some reading done on the subject. My personal bible has been The Ethical Slut. This book will help you guys navigate the complicated waters of polyamory and open relationships. It will validate much of what you're already doing, and alert you to pitfalls that you probably haven't even considered.
As someone who has had more than one partner for about a year and a half now, I am amazed and overjoyed that life-partners can do this for one another. I don't want to oversell this lifestyle because it's not for everyone. But if it is for you, well then, congratu-fucking-lations. You're in for a treat. Many of them in fact ;-)
> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.
That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.
> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.
Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.
> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.
You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.
After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.
Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.
Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.
I feel like this should be considered normal for a heterosexual male. Tight leggings naturally draw your eyes to them. I recommend not to surpress the attraction but instead to let it flow over you, without letting it consume you. Just observe it and be thankful for the extra feeling of energy that it gives you. Maybe think about what attracts you to your gf, I suspect it is more than just her body.
In general, I have come to be thankful of the energy that emerges from attraction to the female. For me, the book Way of the Superior Man helped a lot here.
Some people do this stuff instinctively. Some of us have to treat it as a skill.
So I got a lot of value out of books on this stuff. I read about the techniques, I practiced them, and I do ok.
Here are two really good ones:
Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards
and
What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro
You can improve these skills; they're just skills!
It's the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It's a really good read, I would recommend it.
Exactly. There is nothing wrong with calmly saying "I feel X and the reason is because you did Y."
Flying off the handle or saying something accusatory like "You ALWAYS do Y and you know I don't like it" will get you nowhere.
A great book on relationships is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
(Don't be put off by the word "marriage." What he says applies to all relationships.)
Actually, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is surprisingly good too.
[Edit:typos]
The thing about people who say that she shouldn't marry you because you're unequally yoked and all that kind of ignores that you've been in a relationship, a sexual relationship, for many years already. That's some kind of de facto status right there that they should be wary of breaking off. That forms some physical and spiritual bonds that people who aren't trained professionals shouldn't be messing with.
The "worship leader" sounds like a douche. People in a position to be giving spiritual advice and counseling should not be romantically involved or have hopes of becoming romantically involved with people they give such counsel to. If he's not qualified to be giving counsel, he should butt out because he's tampering with a longstanding relationship and reckoning with forces larger than he knows. It's terribly irresponsible of him.
As for marriage: marriage is a wonderful thing and I highly recommend it to everybody. It is also a great undertaking, the hardest thing you will ever do (until you have children), but you also have the strength to do it and I know you can. But the thing is, it requires a lot of humility, self-sacrifice, and maturity. It's not something to be entered into lightly, not the sort of thing you "just" do. I think you should strongly consider it. I have a book recommendation for you, it's a secular book, I think it will be helpful to you and your relationship even if you don't get married, and it will even be helpful in other types of relationships: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797 It's cheap and very helpful. The principles in there also help with friendships, coworker relationships, whatever. But I think if you read it, it will not only be helpful for your relationship, but it will give you a small window of insight into the sort of everyday struggles of married life and give you some positive context for viewing marriage.
You hit the nail on the head. When I realized my mother threw tantrums like a child and my father responded very immature in kind I found an amazing book that really helped me identify their behavior
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
Trust me guys give it a read it will help a lot if you're still in the deep swamp of "why did they act this way"
Standing up for yourself can also be done in a nonthreatening way to the person who is doing things that don't help. A formal structure for this is called nonviolent communication.
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
Before you go ahead with anyone's advice here, I strongly recommend you read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg (or at least skim through it). His approach, as a whole, may not be entirely appropriate for this situation, but some of the basic ideas he lays out are universal to productive communication.
For instance, he talks about separating the objective events at the root of a conflict from our subjective judgments of it. A lot of people in this thread seem to agree your coworker is a tattle-tale, but using that kind of language to call him out is not likely to win his sympathy or encourage him to reevaluate his own behavior. On the contrary, this is the kind of communication that immediately puts people on the defensive (if you've ever been on the receiving end of this with a hypercritical domestic partner, you may have done the same yourself).
Instead, he recommends making an objective observation (e.g., you've shared your criticisms of my work publicly with our boss and coworkers three times so far this week) before stating your feelings, needs, and a request. Again, maybe a little too hippie dippy for the hypermasculine environment of a shop, but there are some solid gold tidbits throughout.
It's a lot, but you seem to have the self-awareness to make good use of it.
The people saying we can't help you with all of this are correct - some of this is about mediation, communication, and culture.
But some of it is about gaming, and we can help with that part.
First of all, from my experience it's important to choose a system and / or implied setting that won't inflame the parents. Kids won't have trouble with systems. I started w/ B/X D&D in the red box at 10 years old and it was fine - I started my own son at 7 with D&D 3.5 (not my favorite game even at the time, but the reasons for choosing it were sound...) and he did fine. What you have to worry about is probably parents. In the US, it was easy to run afoul of religious zealots who freak out about any hint of magic. It still is.
I'm not sure what the social conditions are where you are, you're the best judge of that, but I would direct you to Beyond the Wall It's inexpensive and has several free expansions but here are the reasons I recommend it:
It's mostly a OSR D&D-like game.
I recommend that game a lot.
In your situation, you might also like to look at Psi*Run. It was developed by Meguey Baker (D. Vincent Baker's wife and game design collaborator) for use in a teen RPG program at a library. It's meant to get kids right into the action immediately - they're super-powered teens (like X-Men) fleeing a force that wants to capture them.
Good luck with the rest of it. Oh - I'm not a counsellor or social worker, but you might want to read the book, Nonviolent Communication. It's got a lot of advice for how to deal with charged situations and long-standing bad feelings.
As others have pointed out, this is emotional manipulation - most definitely.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/7-ways-get-out-guilt-trips
http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation/00020313
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-When-People-Obligation/dp/0060928972
Yes, I spent a short time in therapy to deal with an emotionally abusive dad. It helped me really come to terms with the fact that bad people can be parents too. (That might sound like a silly realization but it really helped me, as I couldn't really grasp what I had done to deserve getting stuck with him as a father). A few books my therapist recommended helped too:
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396693883&sr=8-1&keywords=toxic+parents
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1396693911&sr=8-2&keywords=toxic+parents
There's also /r/raisedbynarcissists, which might be a good place for you to talk to people who can understand what it's like to have an emotionally abusive parent.
Where ever you go there you are.
My answer is less about dating than it is about abuse in general.
You will probably fall back into unhealthy habits with people you are in relationships with unless you examine why it got so bad in the first place. People tend to repeat old habits and seek out similar relationships. However, if this was just a one time thing, you might not have any problem at all.
It's horrible that someone abused you and controlled you and hurt you. She was wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through whatever happened.
I don't know what sort of relationships you've had in the past, if you have a history of abusive relationships or not, and I don't know how your parents treated you or each other.
I'd say do what makes you feel right. If you need time, you need time and if you want to date you can date. If you have two conflicting feelings, than share these with the person you are dating.
Here are some questions to think about:
Do you feel like you can identify what went wrong in the past relationship concretely, like specific instances?
Why did you stay with them, how long did you stay and why did you stay so long?
Do you know what assertiveness is and how good are you at practicing it?
Do you feel you are responsible for other people's feelings and happiness?
Do you have clean boundaries when it comes to people hurting you? What are your boundaries and how do you communicate them?
Abuse is systematic, is builds up slowly, usually as you invest more (say by moving in or having children) and it can be hard to spot and easy to fall into old patterns.
I recommend this book:http://www.amazon.ca/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0060928972
And this website:http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html
You have people around who can help on reddit, there is also reading on the internet. I don't know what type or how bad the abuse was but there are counselors out there who can help you protect yourself by developing boundaries and learning what is reasonable to expect as being responsible for emotions go. You may not need them, however they are out there.
I wish you the best. hugs
EDIT: Oh and it's ok that you still have feelings for someone. It's normal. What is important is that you take care of yourself first though, your own food, shelter, stability, desire to get up in the morning, having friends and work and hobbies and living life to the full in general is what is best for you right now.
Here’s a good book on the subject of adult attachment style: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_ . It’s helpful to become aware of your own style and to be able to recognize others so you can try to work with them or end the relationship. As Kenny Rogers said: You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, And know when to run.
The Animator's Survival Kit: https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/
Good book with lots of practical references for animating walk cycles facial expressions etc
Personally, I've never encountered that. Though that is probably due to a massive dose of impression management. I try to walk around as confident as possible even when that might not be the case. If you haven't read it--What Every Body is Saying by Joe Navarro is a fantastic book on how to read people--but you can also use it in the reverse to appear the way that you want.
If I'm not with people I know well in public, generally speaking I am quite cold with people. I guess I learned to hide my emotions pretty well. I think most people also don't understand me, as I keep info about me on a very need-to-know basis. So for better or for worse, people give me space.
I don't know if any of this helps at all, but I noticed a pretty immediate positive change controlling the way I appeared to other people. Not just in the way that people reacted to me, but in my confidence as well. It seems you actually can fake it until you make it.
Congratulations, you're an introvert.
Sorry if that sounded sarcastic, it's not. The most important thing you can do is accept that this is going to be a challenge for you, to some degree, probably for the rest of your life. But wait, there's hope! If you do this more often, you'll get more comfortable with it and it will be less effort.
Additionally, the better you get to know people that you force yourself to talk to, the easier it will be to talk to them. You'll also move past small talk into conversations that introverts are more comfortable with. So you could look at the initial discomfort and energy expenditure as an investment.
Knowing this about yourself is a big part of the battle - you just need to prepare for the fact that these situations are going to sap the energy out of you, and plan some time to recover on your own by doing whatever it is you like to do.
Right now I'm actually reading this. I'd recommend it for all introverts (and anyone, really). It's not a self-help book or anything, but it discusses the differences between introverts and extroverts and gets a little into how introverts can be effective at different things (work, relationships, etc).
How much effort do you put in to helping other people figure out where they're going wrong? Have you seriously tried to help other people when they're fucking themselves over or otherwise making bad decisions or when they're doing something that you recognize as a social faux pas?
I doubt it, because I have -- and still do, when I absolutely cannot stand watching somebody make an ass of themselves -- and if you did you would recognize how few people actually want help. The vast majority of the time, a person's reaction to somebody trying to offer social skills that they are missing is defensiveness or attack.
I understand your frustration. I have had a lot of it myself -- "why didn't they just TELL ME I was sending the wrong message???" -- but I understand that:
You're expecting something from people, but you're not offering anything in return. Change your thinking -- instead of focusing on what you want from them, focus on what you have to offer. Learn about what makes people like each other and incorporate that into your behavior. I like the book How to Talk to Anyone -- you can look through it and find the tips that seem the easiest and then move up in difficulty from there. Practice for a while and really get each one down before you try another. There are all kinds of other books like that one and plenty of information online also. Google "how to talk to people", "how not to creep people out", "how to make people like you", "body language", "eye contact", stuff like that. There's a metric fuck-ton of information available.
Oh! I found it! The Definitive Book of Body Language, this is the one I read.
There's so much research done on body language, and it's incredible. FBI people are really good at that kind of stuff, to help read the suspects and whatnot better. It does in some way feel like mind reading, cause you are able to get a decent handle on someone by paying attention to how they act, how they say things. Only 7% of communication is verbal, that is, what you are in effect saying. The rest is body language and the inflection you use when saying something.
First off, don't do anything just to satisfy other people. More often than not, they don't actually have your best interests in mind (even if they themselves think they do.) One of the greatest strengths we as introverts have is the fact that we don't need the external validation in the same way as extraverts do. In that sense, we're independent in a way our extraverted counterparts are not.
If you have your own reasons for wanting to get out and about with other people (and not just the opinions and urgings of the people you reference), then and only then should you pursue such a course of action.
Seeking out other introverts to interact with could be an easy way to get out there. Introverts tend to just "get each other" in ways that make socializing feel natural and make you forget to "try" to be a good conversationalist. If you're wondering where to find other introverts, I'd recommend events which are about a subject or activity rather than about the people there. That is, gravitate toward crafting groups, conventions, book clubs, and such rather than parties, bars, clubs, mixers, etc. Also, groups which involve fewer people (or at least groups where you only end up interacting with a few people) are better.
Finally, I'd recommend you make some effort to find out what is good about being introverted. I honestly can't recommend the book The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World enough.
Yes and no, though for me it’s more social anxiety than shyness.
Yes, because we live in a society that values extroversion, and we’re made to feel guilty for not fitting that mold. There have been times I’ve wished (albeit briefly) that I was more extroverted because it seems like life would be so much easier.
However, I try to remind myself that my introversion is deeply connected to personal qualities of which I’m proud: thoughtfulness, deep-thinking, being a good listener, etc. Life might be easier as an extrovert, but being an introvert isn’t something to be ashamed of (though I’ll admit that it’s taken me time to realize that). I know it sounds cheesy, but there’s a book called “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Olsen Laney that helped me feel less guilty/ashamed and more proud of qualities that our pro-extrovert society doesn’t necessarily appreciate. I’d recommend checking it out. It may also help you articulate some of the things you’ve struggled to explain to your friends. It made a huge difference when my very extroverted mother read it - she told me she finally understood some of the things I did that had baffled her or that she had completely misinterpreted.
Please try not to hate your
shyness orintroversion. There are always going to be some people who will judge you for not being extroverted, but you know what? Screw them. If they aren’t willing to make an effort to see what lies beneath the surface, it’s their loss.​
Edit: I just looked back at my copy of "The Introvert Advantage" (I really do hate that title, but it IS a good book), and there are a few bits the author wrote on shyness that you might find interesting (bold emphasis is mine):
[Introverts] are people who need private space to refuel, who do not gain their primary energy from external activities, and who usually need time to reflect and think before they speak. In this chapter I will discuss what they are not. They are not scaredy cats, shrinking violets, or self-absorbed loners. Nor are they necessarily shy or antisocial. As a society we don’t see introverts accurately because we are looking at them through a lens of incorrect assumptions. Most introverts don’t understand their own temperament because they have grown up with their own misconceptions about introversion.
Also:
Shyness is social anxiety, an extreme self-consciousness when one is around people. It may have some genetic roots (in the form of a highly reactive fear center), but it is usually learned from experiences at school, with friends, and in families. For some, it comes and goes at various ages and in certain situations. Shy people may feel uncomfortable with one-on-one conversations or in group situations. It is not an issue of energy; it is a lack of confidence in social situations. ....Shyness is not who you are (like introversion), it is what you think other people think you are, and therefore it is responsive to behavior change.
​
So perhaps a big part of the problem is that we've come to accept the fact that terms like "shy" are foisted upon us, and that doesn't help the situation. The author mentions some books that may help you feel more confidence in certain social situations. Since I haven't personally read any of them, I hesitate to recommend specific books. I would first read "The Introvert Advantage." I think that just feeling more comfortable understanding and accepting why we are the way we are can make a big difference in feeling more confident in certain social situations.
When I was 19 and gaming all day I was literally a waste because I only consumed and produced nothing. I was just a burden to those who were supporting my financially and socially. If you want to be a professional artist then get better than everyone else. Disney only hires the best of the best, same with any other company. Start a YouTube channel and upload consistently. Find your own way. You're not 14 anymore. Life will hit you soon. Also know that introversion is not a bad thing. It's just a different way of thinking. I'm introverted myself and can solve problems most extroverts can't. I recommend reading this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Introvert-Advantage-People-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695 It delves into understanding extroversion and introversion from each other's perspective. It's pretty good and you may learn a few things about yourself.
No one is purely an introvert or an extrovert. Just like most other things, there is a spectrum. You want to be alone to recharge, then you want to be with people to fulfill a basic human need for belonging.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695
This book is amazing. I read it a couple of times. The basic idea (in reference to what you're asking advice for) is to plan. If you know that there is a party or some get-together coming up, you need to be alone for a period of time beforehand. Once you've been alone for a long enough period of time to recharge, you'll be ready to get out there and socialize, thus reducing the "I really want to talk with someone but can't" reaction.
And then sometimes, like all introverts, you'll find that you can't plan this out and you just need to forgive yourself for not wanting to talk to other people.
First Part:
> hopefully someone will write something that makes something click in me.
Like you did in me? Quite a few people wrote GOOD THINGS, but I still wanted to take a crack at it as much of what you wrote resonated with me. While I've figured out many things for myself, I thought I might share what I found useful.
Your TL;DR :: i'm not interested in anything and have tried to find things but seriously don't care about anything. i spend my day sleeping, wasting time on the internet, sometimes exercising, rarely reading, watching stupid shit on the internet, doing the bare minimum to pass my courses.. thats about it.
My TL;DR :: To Follow Your Bliss, you must find it first. While traveling the highway of introspection there was a flat on the off-ramp. Seeing life through a fish-eye lens makes it difficult to focus. Reaching for the light is hard under the shadow of the family tree. A lonely island castaway trying to send an message in a bottle if only you can find something to write with. Or a bottle.
Everything I write below is just a reply to what you wrote taken at face value trying not to read too much into anything except with what I can empathize with.
Innie or Outie? In a world that is geared for the extrovert, life is a challenge for the introvert. If for no other reason than they are misunderstood making it harder to relate. But recognize this which means now you just need to find the ways to maximize its potential. Read the 2003 article link at least as I think it will be very useful.
Labels and Adjectives. I saw a lot of self descriptions along with a lot of apologies. People are more than a just a collection of adjectives or an entry out of the DSM. Reading through your posts I see you say: introverted. rowdy. silly. intelligent. knowledgeable. smart. depressed. attractive. bitter. indifferent. overwhelmed. lonely. bored. lazy. smart. disappointed. scared. apathetic. angry. motivated. and optimistic. Like growing up with Schoolhouse Rock its only natural to identify and classify, but I cringe when people label either themselves or others because that box is so hard to break out of -- identified by afflictions and behavior rather than just as the humans they are. You said that you feel like you 'sound as a huge bitch.' Some who have posted in the past proclaim themselves a loser or a terrible person. The fact is most people who really ARE those things are not self-aware. The fact that you can be introspective, usually means you are NOT whatever awful things you think you are. (BTW, that goes for everyone else posting at SW! Sincerely.)
In the middle. There is nothing that can rob you of your youth that everyone deserves -- and its opportunity to socialize with your peers -- than having to become an adult too soon, either by being a victim of abuse, or stepping into that role when the other adults step away. I was born a small adult to a pair of rather old parents. I know what it is like to get up in the middle of the night to play mediator, referee, or even bouncer. All that is even more difficult if you have to do that between multiple family members. You want to not resent them because you love your family, but the more you resist, the more bitter you may one day become. That rage you were referring to before? Let it out in whatever healthy ways you can. Its one of the best reasons I can think of contributing to your 1000 yard stare which I can identify with.
All in the family. You choose your friends, but your family you are born with. Despite the love you can have for them, when you end up playing roles you weren't meant to, it takes its toll. In addition to mediator, you also lived under a shadow. If that role didn't rob you of the socialization you needed, the dynamics of the relationship with your sister probably did. Add on the parental over-protection and that makes it difficult to even breathe. When I was a kid I ended up riding a bike with a motorcycle helmet of all the silly things. I couldn't go on class field trips because the buses didn't have seatbelts. You name it, a worried mother who makes their child the center of their life with no additional friends of their own, as mine did, make spreading your wings like trying to break the grip of the gravity of Jupiter. When you say that leaving for school was one of the best things in your life, I have no doubt at all! Even though you don't know what you want yet, continuing to push the envelop to develop and maintain your independence is the best thing you can do. But it is hard to do it alone. The thing I heard the most in that passage was your need to EXPRESS YOURSELF. I'm thinking in addition to some of your humanities studies you would benefit greatly from some arts as well. I speak from experience.
Não. E os poli relacionamentos heterossexuais que testemunhei duraram muito pouco ou eram a descrição do relacionamento abusivo.
Esse livro Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures https://www.amazon.it/dp/1587613379/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_ZSUZAb6TT7BCQ tem uma visão da possibilidade de poliamor que tangencia relacionamentos abertos sem a necessidade de sexo. Mas também trata de sexo.
Conheço casais gays que estão juntos há anos e que frequentemente transam com outras pessoas ou trazem outras pessoas pra casa e continuam com o casal nuclear que possuem planos a longo prazo. Que sao abertos só na questao sexual. Poliamor não é um conceito que vive só no meio das pernas.
Não sei porque dessa distinção, é apenas uma observação.
Galera que venera o Osho costumam se encontrar e resignificar sexo, mas eu recomendaria distância dos cultos e netflix.
Você está em um relacionamento e quer modificar o contrato para algo mais aberto?
Seconding the open/poly lifestyle; if you can adjust, it's fucking fantastic for those of us with higher sex drives. Check out The Ethical Slut for that perspective. Sexual incompatibility doesn't need to spell the end of a relationship, or settling for less sex than you need. Perhaps you just need to supplement (openly and honestly).
Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.
Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!
With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.
Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.
Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.
Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.
Also, be prepared for some disapproval in poly communities. Hetero couples, or couples with a hetero male and bisexual female, looking for bisexual women to join them are really, really, common. And they unfortunately very often engage in unethical, or at least ethically dubious, behavior. More Than Two devotes a whole chapter to this, and I highly recommend reading it. Try to avoid those behaviors.
Best of luck!
> whining
and
> "there's a lot of other girls who would do this"
Dude needs to read this book and get his shit together. This is no way to conduct yourself as a respectful partner, male or female.
Great question, man! Nobody ever asks this. I thought the post written a week ago about advice from a 68 year old man was GOLD. Check this out if you haven't:
•http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/r381m/advice_from_an_experienced_natural_68_year_old/
Also, I wrote an article for an online magazine a few months back about the most important parts in relationships:
•http://wilesmag.com/2012/what-he-wants-9/
I have been in a relationship for over a year now and I work real hard at it. I believe communication, sex, and excitement are probably the three most important aspects in a relationship.
•Communication: Always speak up. Say how you feel. Don't hold anything in. Talk openly about your feelings and concerns. This will prevent big fights.
•Sex: Keep this alive and strong. Do it frequently. If you're ever bored start spicing it up. This keeps the attraction strong.
•Excitement: Beyond sex, make sure you're always going on trips (even inexpensive small ones) and going on dates. Have things to look forward to, in order to keep the progression of the relationship alive.
Another great resource is the book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=pd_sim_b_4
That will help you understand the male and female essence and how it all works together. I would say it's like a new age "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Highly recommended.
Unfortunately, it's not gonna stick. I read a good book recently, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and one of the take-aways for me is that my parents are not going to change, and expecting them to will invariably lead to disappointment (best case) or me experiencing more toxic behaviour (worst case).
I have maintained a marginal relationship with my parents, haven't cut them off completely, but whenever I talk to them now, I never expect them to be better than they are.
Aww man I’m sorry. My mom and I had a very similar exchange and I went no contact for a while. During that time I read this book:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_FjAvCb8JASMCM
It really helped me a lot. Anyway I’ve decided to let her back in and sure enough she hasn’t changed but at least I’m more prepared for it.
I’m sorry your mom is so immature and emotionally draining. I thought your text was very kind and appropriate in limit setting. It’s hard dealing with parent baggage during pregnancy
>it might be the thing that can get through to her, but I feel like it also might destroy her. What do you think?
I thought both of these things about my Nmom (covert version, since you asked).
It has taken me a year of therapy to understand that 1) I'm never going to get through to her, and 2) characterizing the impact of something I might say or do as "destroying" my Nmom is pretty loaded. You can say something that causes a person to feel hurt or upset, but "destroyed"? Saying it like that tells me that you think you control your Nmom's emotional state... when actually, you only control yourself. She is responsible for her own emotional wellbeing.
It is very common for our Ns to condition us to think we are responsible for their feelings. And therefore we must behave exactly according to their rules.
It takes time to absorb the idea that this is not true.
You don't mention your gender, but I would encourage you to read Karyl McBride's Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I would also encourage you to investigate the concept of codependence (as another commenter mentioned), which deals with feeling responsible for other people's feelings. Codependent No More is a book that has helped me a lot. Along with a good therapist.
I know this is tangential to your question about vulnerable vs grandiose Ns, but your phrasing really struck me as a way I used to think, and I really wanted to speak to that in case I could be helpful.
Also, you mention that your dad seems powerless to stop her -- again, this is conditioning. Enabling spouses often appear helpless and can look like victims of the N. But he is an adult and can make choices about what to do with his life. He has agency, UNLIKE you when you were a child and did not have a choice about whether to depend on your parents for food, shelter, and love. He has choices about who to surround himself with and how he deserves to be treated.
And so do you.
Best wishes to you.
Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.
For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother
This NPD website
For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Adult Children of Abusive Parents
And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living
Complex PTSD
You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.
This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!
My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?
Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.
Have a look at Will I Ever Be Enough. It helped me sort out a lot of the stuff I was missing from my parents. Not an easy thing though, but it helps.
The subtitle is about daughters, but I don't remember anything specifically gendered in it.
This is actually a great point. In Dale Carnegie's book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living he points out that if you're feeling stressed about making a particular mistake, think about what would have to be true for that one mistake to have resulted in all your problems. So in this case, one might feel bad about eating extra donuts and think that they are going to fail at their diet, from here you would say: What would have to be true for two donuts to cause me to fail at my diet? The answer would be that the diet is completely dependent upon that single choice, which it is not. I'm not sure if I'm doing a great job explaining, but Dale Carnegie is a fantastic author with great insights into self improvement. His most famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is an incredible read as well.
Look for reciprocity - any relationship, romantic or platonic, will have its gives and takes. There will be problems, but you should both be willing to work it out. I used to go from 0-100 in relationships and place unrealistic expectations on others. They're not mind readers, and a lot of them don't understand the aftermath of relationships with Ns.
It's normal to be paranoid, but there are people out there who legitimately want to help and be friends. They may just think that you need to hear that you are loved and supported. Some people use "love" flippantly, some don't. It's harder to wait and see where a relationship goes and much easier to cut and run, but running because you're afraid will kill some potentially good relationships.
Ns teach their children to fear others, to fear being known, because everything will be used against you. Healthy relationships are not like that, but you do need to figure out how to identify other people's boundaries and create your own. For me, if friends said "hey, you don't need to pay rent", I'd probably make the offer to pay or chip in every couple of months or so just to be sure, or say something like "if that changes, please let me know". Ns will never "treat others how you'd like to be treated", but others will, and that might be what your friends are doing. At the same time, be aware of manipulation through fear/guilt/obligation by friends. Some know they're doing it, some don't.
These helped me:
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Books man. The list I have to develop this is huge. But these three are a good start.
Develop Social Intelligence
Social Intelligence.
Be aware of your emotions.
Emotional Intelligence 2.0
Read other peoples emotions/thoughts.
What Every BODY is Saying
Branch out from there.
Restricting your hand movements is in general a "pacifying" behaviour. If pacifying behaviours increase in frequency, then she's likely nervous or uncomfortable. If she's positioning her arms so they cover up her abdomen, that's another strong pacifying behaviour.
Note that pacifying behaviours on their own means nothing. What matters is if they increase or decrease in frequency.
Source: What every body is saying? by Joe Navarro). I strongly recommend that book to get a no nonsense description of how to interpret various body language.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
This one is very good. Also very detailed.
No, you can divorce it.
He's being an asshole. That's it. Full stop.
A mechanism by which he is being an asshole is his sitting preferences. He knows he's causing a problem for other people, that's why he's doing it.
Other people sit that way for totally different reasons completely unrelated to being an asshole. Men, generally, sit with their legs wide when they're very comfortable or relaxed, and sometimes when they're aggressive. I recommend you check out "What every BODY is saying" if you want more analysis on seated preferences of men and how they use their feet to express emotion.
You forgot foot proximity and direction. The closer feet are between two people conversing show a great deal of comfort between the two. The direction that the feet are facing are also good indicators of if that person is interested in you or the conversation. For instance, if you are telling them about how awesome the duck billed platypus is and their feet are toward the door while their upper body is facing you that is a good indicator this person wants to leave. Leg crossing can be a sign of discomfort and is often associated with shielding. Shielding is when someone feels discomfort or nervous and essentially builds a barrier between them and the source of discomfort. Crossed arms, crossed legs, maybe putting a purse or drink between the source and themselves. If in mid conversation you mention your impressive video game collection and the girl in question, who has been leaning close to you all night, starts to lean back in her chair, crosses her legs and arms, and places her hand on her neck she might not be too impressed. Neck touching can also be a good indicator of nervousness and discomfort. Women often touch their suprasternal notch when nervous, it can be very casual maybe with the index and middle finger while their arms are crossed. Neck touching is a soothing gesture, it can lower heart rate and blood pressure.
The big thing about all of this is finding a baseline of body language actions people do. None of this is written in stone, some people might just touch their neck or cross their legs. If in a bar a girl might not feel comfortable with the crowd but are interested with you.
If you want a reference for all of this I got it from Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlin's "What Every Body is Saying". Joe Navarro worked for the FBI as an interrogator. Navarro was called "The Human Lie Detector. It wont directly teach you how to pick up girls, however it will teach you how to tell of someone doesn't feel comfy around you or with what you are saying. Another good thing to study is Paul Ekman's website on micro gestures in the face. It costs about $70 to subscribe, but you learn a lot.
Sources:
What Every Body is Saying on Amazon
Paul Ekman's website
It's really shitty to be in a relationship with someone and not wish them happy birthday (assuming you knew it was their birthday and clearly he did). What was his excuse for canceling? Unless he had a really good excuse, that was definitely pretty shitty. It sounds like you told him it was important to spend your birthday with him and he decided not to. I can see why you feel upset. I would feel upset too if I had asked to spend my birthday with someone and they didn't even wish me happy birthday. I would try to tell him that you are felling hurt (try to use non-violent communication if you can: http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1347154038&sr=8-1&keywords=non-violent+communication). I'd ask him to validate your feelings and work on keeping dates when they are important to you. If he doesn't validate your feelings and promise to try to do better; I'd move on to someone who can and will want to be more considerate of your feelings.
I felt the same way well into my 30's. My relationships never lasted more than a few months, and they made me miserable. Long story short, I was dating the wrong women. This is going to sound cheesy, but you need to understand and accept yourself before you can move forward. Then you need to approach your relationships with 100% honesty about who you are and what you need.
In my case, I was an introvert trying to date extroverts. I didn't understand what it really meant to be an introvert or that it wasn't a flaw that needed correcting. This book changed my life: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.
I also hadn't found a relationship in which I felt completely safe being honest without fear of judgement. That's as much on your partner as you, of course, but you can facilitate it by setting the example.
Once I knew myself and understood that I wasn't a bad person, I finally became open to meeting the right woman. It didn't happen overnight. When my perfect introvert found me, it took me a while to believe I was really capable of even having a relationship. Fortunately she had patience. We dated for a year, and now we're engaged. :)
I thought that too, until:
>Pete turned to me with a completely serious expression, an expression devoid of even the faintest flicker of a smile, and said, “This is the worst place on earth. We’re in it. Right now. No, it’s not even earth. It’s hell.”
I'm a pretty big introvert, but there's a difference in feeling tired around people and that kind of misanthropy. I've been to six weddings so far this summer (Seriously. And two more to go.) and when I start feeling overwhelmed, I take a walk in the hallways or outside for a few minutes. It's never occurred to me to think of other people the way Pete did.
You'd probably like this book; I did:
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153/
Introversion is not a 'problem', it is simply an orientation.
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I feel ya. Same boat, different paddle. Have you read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking It is helping me embrace my Ambiverted self.
This is so far my to go list, no particulary order:
Body Language
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
No More Mr Nice Guy
The Flinch
The Blueprint Decoded
How to Win Friends & Influence People
The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them
These books/dvds/audiobooks are about self development and basic understanding of human behaviour, I honestly think everybody can benefit from this stuff.
Edit:
Also find a good book about improving your voice, no idea here because I use one in german.
If you want to get started in understanding these dangerous people, here is an easy but informative book. This is a must read for Parents of young daughters; all that charm that is sooo endearing to most parents, is actually a danger sign.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324183710&sr=1-1
Sure! If you have any questions for the filmmaker herself, I'll send them on. From the teacher's desk:
Theory:
Software:
Amateur vs. Professional:
Hope that helps! Those points are just scratching the surface on a huge amount of material, but for starting out, it's great to just have fun experimenting. Feel free to ask more questions, and good luck!
Hehehe "tips"... I just read a blog post about people asking for "art tips" that happened to ring pretty true, although that guy presents it in a more grouchy way....
I just draw every day and take an active interest in art. Here are some of my favorite books:
McCloud
Loomis
Animator's Survivor Kit
Lately my big epiphany has been to stop punishing myself at every turn and just let go and finish something. So keep that in mind to have fun with it!
Cool little experiment. Animating can be a lot of fun. If you're at all serious about animation, I cannot recommend The Animators Survival Kit enough. It was a book that was required for my animation classes in college, and I still use it to this day.
If you have any questions about animation, I only have a degree and 2 years of work experience, but I can give you some pointers.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1626251703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482260262&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=adult+children+emotionally+immature&dpPl=1&dpID=51P9RJmQ6eL&ref=plSrch
Attached and The Feeling Good Handbook. As she handed them to me, I just kind of thought to myself "really?" She chuckled and said to give it a try. I left her office and purchased those two books from a local bookstore around the corner from her office and they were honestly great.
Basically, I wouldn't worry about being unhealthily co-dependent in a relationship you're largely happy in and where there are no issues of abuse or addiction. The concept of co-dependence has been co-opted and applied to situations where it's not terribly relevant. Unlike the bloggers of the world, I'm going to admit that I'm nowhere near qualified to dole out this kind of advice, though.
I recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more on this topic. It's an easy read and helps you understand patterns you may have seen in yourself or your partners. Also, it seems well grounded in science. The authors continually cite psychological studies, which is more compelling than it sounds.
I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7gE4BbB2R5DZY
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_giE4BbJ3RKFRN
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553386395/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VhE4BbQ84219T
Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below
https://www.google.com/amp/s/markmanson.net/boundaries/amp
Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others
*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mrE4BbHBCFCS6
Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.
...man, do I suck at boundaries!
Read this book:
Attached
Most people who engage in affairs have an “avoidant” attachment type and are with someone who has a “secure” or “anxious” attachment type.
My wife is avoidant, I am anxious. She minimizes her feelings and rationalizes her choices in order to avoid having difficult conversations about her emotions.
This led her to connect emotionally with someone else when she found it easier than discussing difficult issues with me directly. This emotional connection made her more receptive to his attention than she may have been otherwise.
Understanding how she became vulnerable has helped us understand how to avoid the situation recurring in the future.
I wish you peace.
Some people are more sensitive and anxious in relationships than other people, it's just how it is. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it's just how you are wired. There are plenty of people out there who won't be put off by it (or bring it out in you) as long as you don't cross the line into controlling. There are, however, quys who will just be a really bad match for you. A guy who's first reaction when the anxiety comes up is to pull away will increase your anxiety, which will push him further away and it will just spiral and spiral. You can even feel that you like him more than you even do - but it's just anxiety.
This isn't doom, it just means he's probably a bad match for you emotionally. I highly recommend reading a book about attachment theory like Attached, it might help you be able to identify unhealthy matches for yourself. I found it really interesting and it's helped me pick healthier people to date.
I highly recommend this book: “Attached”:
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=asc_df_1585429139/
And, remember that if you’re clingy and your partner is happy with you anyway, don’t over-worry. That’s not to say you don’t work on yourself - we all should. But also don’t let your fears ruin a good relationship.
I can't recommend the book Attached more! Check it out.
I'm pretty new to poly and am the lurker mentioned in one of the other comments =D.
I'd encountered people with a poly lifestyle in the past, but had never considered it to be appealing until just recently. I spent the past few months figuring out my jealousy triggers and working through my baggage. A switch flipped in my head while reading The Ethical Slut and I'm suddenly pretty open to possibilities.
I'm pretty sure I've always repressed my feelings/flirting/desires around other people than my relationship partner before out of a sense that this was expected of me as a show of faithfulness. I never allowed myself to consider additional relationships before so there's a feeling of liberation that comes with my personal epiphany.
I'm an IT professional currently working as a support analyst at a software company. I consider myself to be pretty smart, but I really enjoy being surrounded by coworkers smarter than myself. It gives me a refreshing challenge.
My main subreddits at the moment include /r/cigars, /r/guns, /r/sysadmin, and /r/polyamory.
I occasionally look silly, stylish, taller than I am, skeptical, or out of my era.
I haven't decided what I'm looking for in new partners yet really, but I'm comfortable with that for the moment.
Good to meet you all.
edit: Admittedly, I forgot the "where" too. Alberta, Canada.
I hate to be one of those poly people who sounds like a broken record but, spend some time with The Ethical Slut. Even if you aren't poly, this isn't a monogamous relationship anymore. There's a reason it's basically the Bible.
Not to sound like an advertisement, but, I just started reading this book called Attached... Might help you deal with some of your relationship issues as well.. Find it very interesting, got it from the library -
https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139
You two don't sound very compatible. It sounds like her attachment style is anxious, while yours is avoidant - a sure recipe for angst on both sides.
I'm seeing a weird pattern here
> We weren't initially super attracted to one another at first
But then you wanted sex for ... I'm thinking possession? Don't want anyone else to have him? Lock him down for some reason? Wanted him to like you? He's good on paper? He's safe and protective? He's safe to experiment your autonomy and control with? What exactly were the feelings around that moment?
And then again later after he'd been with someone else.
You don't find him attractive on his own merits, so something unhealthy is kicking in, such as mate guarding, to make you "want" him. But you don't "desire" him, or desire sex for yourself, or desire sex as a mutually pleasurable, bonding/connecting/intimate experience.
Have you read Attached
> Please help me find my sex drive again!
It'll be with someone you find sexually attractive, ouch :(
You should read the book Attached. I don't recommend the Kindle edition, it has parts it expects you to write in the book.
There is a book I really like, called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment Theory. You might like it, your comments about your reaction to potential partners reminded me a lot of some of the stuff it talks about.
Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.
Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.
Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.
I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!
I began identifying as being poly when I realized that, when I try it, monogamy simply does not work for me, and ... strangely, the relationships that do work for me, are with other people who are interested in a poly or poly like relationship dynamic. This doesn't mean when I meet people I think are cute I ask them about being poly and that effects whether or not I want to date them, it just happens to be that I meet people who are I think are cute and we start dating and then they talk to me about being poly. I guess I just have good polydar?
To me, being poly is really fucking hard, but being monogamous is even harder.
When I was in highschool, I had a huge crush on a girl, who had a crush on me. Then I met a boy, who I developed a huge crush on, who also had a crush on me, and also had a crush on the girl I had a crush on. The solution seemed so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how no one else could see it. Nothing came of this because I was a big wuss in high school.
This girl sounds like kind of a jerk, but I think you know that, You should read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.
Some types of polyamory don't work for some people. For example, I loath being a part of a hierarchy, no matter where I am on the totem pole - but it makes sense when one couple has children together or life goals. I would never get involved in that at this point in my life. In my past relationship, I felt secure knowing my partner loved me in a completely different way than her other partner, I valued the type of love she had for me more than the type of love she had for her other partner, but I didn't need or want her to rate it.
Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.
Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.
In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.
If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.
Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.
http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242969&sr=8-1
Great little book.
http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.
http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-16
Decent
Introvert who likes to dance here.
Honestly, you sound judgmental and condescending. It's okay for you to not like these things, but it's absolutely fine for your girlfriend to enjoy them. There is nothing morally wrong with getting drunk and dancing to loud music with a bunch of your friends.
Are you afraid of her cheating on you or something? Are you afraid of feeling "lame" or left out? Then you need to say that directly, not go on an insulting passive aggressive rant. A decent girlfriend can enjoy dancing and support their partner who doesn't enjoy it (and, you know, not cheat, etc.)
Trust and strong communication skills are essential to healthy relationships.
I can actually bring up some recommended reading!
Nonviolent Communication and Taking the War Out of Our Words are both excellent books on clear and effective communication and I can't recommend them enough.
I'm sorry if I've come across as harsh, but your words were pretty harsh, too. In order to feel more secure in your connection to your partner, you're going to have to trust them enough to feel safe opening up to them.
I do hope this helps.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
The Magic of Believing
May I suggest some reading? Most of the "advice" you'll get here will try to talk you out of it.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
World’s ending, might as well enjoy it
For anyone interested in this topic I highly recommend reading the book The Ethical Slut. The title may scare you away but the content is necessary to be able to pull off such a lifestyle. Any sort of polyamorous life requires a high level of understanding and openness. This book helps one realize that wanting polyamory is far easier than living with polyamory.
Forcing yourself into anxiety-causing situations can actually strengthen the disorder. You can't heal a broken hand by whacking it with a hammer. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is needed to change the way your brain approaches social situations. If a therapist tells you to "face your fears" then he doesn't truly understand the problem and you should find another therapist.
I used the audio series from the Social Anxiety Institute and it really opened my eyes about my behavior and ways of thinking. Poke around their websites (socialphobia, sai). It's a good place to start.
Also: There are lots of books out there on how to prepare for/act in social situations. I've read many of them and the one I highly recommend is How to Talk to Anyone. It's a simple layout, a fun read, and it's full of good tips and tricks.
It could help you to look into conflict resolution techniques. I found a [page] that can give you a good start on the basics. You can read more on certain topics by googling it. Due to how people react differently based on their personalities, it can help you ascertain which approach you may use when tackling issues in regards to your best friend. Think about what you want to say and how to say it. Draw boundaries and though it may seem tempting, try not to antagonize her even if she antagonizes you. Don't go into a confrontation with fuel. Prepare for any reactions she might have based on the guide I linked. Also I enjoyed this useful [book] as it goes indepth and gives examples.
Personally I had a former friend of 8 years who she thought she could say anything to me and treat me rudely because she believed our long friendship was unbreakable - your best friend might be thinking the same way. My former friend was extremely insecure, said very disrespectful things about sensitive topics, and to a point she was narcissistic - she broke my trust in her. I was younger and knew nothing about conflict resolution so I ex-communicated her and our friend group. Though it broke my heart to do so, it's how I felt I needed to protect myself. That was a drastic action I did but I still don't regret it.
In my experiences now, my childhood best friend has at one point said it was weird that I liked BTS (her reservation was that they're collectively younger than us), but that was a very long time ago and hasn't said anything negative since. She cares more about me as a person than my music tastes. Everyone who I'm currently close now as well have the same sentiments and only say nice things about BTS because they know I am a fan. If they say anything negative, it's usually lightly teasing rather than being malicious.
So people who care about you will not try to tear you down and if your friend really respects you and cares for you, she will reconsider her actions should you bring it up to her. If not... well, I think you would already know how she sees you as a person. I hope she will eventually treat you better and consider your feelings more.
I recommend reading "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." It made me realize that being an introvert and being a leader aren't mutually exclusive traits. https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwjJqZavoqDkAhUSwmQKHd5MA8MYABABGgJwag&ae=1&sig=AOD64_2q7IRRbFKtJCpgKaBDinfWb5ohyQ&ctype=5&q=&ved=0ahUKEwiZzo6voqDkAhXHrZ4KHeVEDKkQwg8IPA&adurl=https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153/ref%3Dasc_df_0307352153/%3Ftag%3Dhyprod-20%26linkCode%3Ddf0%26hvadid%3D312021251979%26hvpos%3D1o1%26hvnetw%3Dg%26hvrand%3D2344768118449509263%26hvpone%3D%26hvptwo%3D%26hvqmt%3D%26hvdev%3Dm%26hvdvcmdl%3D%26hvlocint%3D%26hvlocphy%3D9033317%26hvtargid%3Dpla-432395948286%26psc%3D1
These 2 books are recommended, I know of no movies so my apologies:
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341904950&sr=8-1&keywords=Body+language
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1341904950&sr=8-3&keywords=Body+language
If you cannot afford them, feel free to PM me and I'll message you the PDF dl links. : )
If you've never had the connection you now want, but got married anyway, that was your initial mistake. But hindsight is 20/20 and I don't think it's necessarily an unsolvable problem, especially since he seems willing to work on it.
It takes a lot of effort to break out of 5 years of bad habits. But you can do it! I think you could do it without counseling, but if you hit a wall or either of you is feeling really unhappy, or communication is not improving, please go see a therapist or counselor since they can help a lot.
Be sure you're setting aside dedicated time to discuss and work on your relationship. The time and effort you both put in is an investment, and if you pull through it will pay off immeasurably. Then start by each taking the Love Languages test. Discuss your answers. Read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, someone who has studied relationships for years. That book includes a number of exercises to work through with your partner, and I think it would be an amazing help to you in connecting with your husband.
Another idea is that since you want to drastically step up your relationship with each other and break out of the disconnected rut you're in, think of other ways you can spice up, change, and improve your life. Consider rearranging your furniture. Taking a weekend trip to someplace new. Starting a new hobby together (maybe something like salsa dancing or ballroom dancing). Working out together. Taking a class to learn a new language or skill. Whatever sounds like fun! Connecting the relationship work you are doing to a shift in another area of your life (particularly one that is fun, novel, exciting) will help you feel like things are really changing and different, and will keep you invested in the relationship progress you're making. It's easier to connect when you are on the same team, doing things together and sharing the journey.
Lastly, you say he does "husband things" and you do "wife things". Consider mixing it up. If he's the one who brings you flowers on anniversaries, how about you bring him flowers for no reason whatsoever other than that you care about each other? If you usually eat lunch out during the workday, how about he wakes up early to pack you one? Look for ways you can break out of your current habits of showing affection, which aren't working, and look for new ways to make each other happy. The Love Languages test should offer some great insight into the best way for each of you to start.
Alrighty, my personal feeling is that you are an introvert, she is an extrovert. In order to be recharge your energy you need time completely alone.
Personally I would recommend that you go out, and either rent or buy the book, The Introvert Advantage, How to thrive in an extrovert world":
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695
The book spends a fair amount of time covering how introverts and extroverts act in relationships together. It recommends ways that the two partners work together.
She clearly doesn't understand why you have the need to be alone, and she won't accept your explanations. I have this nasty feeling that she has the impression that everyone thinks like her, and hopefully this book will help convince her that you do need more time to yourself and that it is not a negative reflection on her.
Some couples have problems because one likes to go and get drunk and flirt with members of the opposite sex. In my opinion wanting some time to your own is so much less of a big deal.
I liked this one on body language and this one on persuasion.
I've used two primary sources:
Chronic bitch face isn't easy to get over but I've found that smiling with your eyes and making eye contact can do wonders. Also, this book has helped me a lot in appearing more confident and, as a result, more friendly and open.
Childhood emotional neglect and attachment trauma can be present despite material wealth. These experiences can be damaging to children and may cause mental health problems that endure into adulthood and until they are dealt with. If either of these ring a bell with you, then you might want to look them up.
The following books may also be helpful
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536758061&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=adult+children+of+emotionally+immature+parents&dpPl=1&dpID=51aZz7vsiHL&ref=plSrch
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Price-Admission-relationships-childhood/dp/1517683408/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536758108&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=not+the+price+of+admission&dpPl=1&dpID=61BgEJgbp2L&ref=plSrch
(In particular, page 45 of the latter explains how emotional neglect may affect a developing child. Please be aware that the video it links to may be triggering if you have experienced these issues in your life)
No one here can say whether these things happened to you or not but talking about your feelings and their origins with a good therapist might be a good start to working out why you feel this way and how you can start feeling better.
As someone else said, there are people with judgemental attitudes out there, but we have the choice to approach ourselves with kindness and compassion throughout our efforts to recover. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
Hugs. My mother is similarly difficult (her only comment about my entire wedding day was "you didn't notice I got my hair cut, but I guess you were busy with other things" ... like GETTING MARRIED, SHEESH). Someone over on r/twoxchromosomes recommended this book: "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" which looks to be a great resource (it is currently in my electronic to-be-read pile).
DEFINITELY agree. That line set off warning bells in my head. There are people who have the opinion the what the EGS is doing is super messed up. To me it isnt, so if someone said i would probably do the same, i wouldnt care, but if you say the same thing to someone who feels its a moral issue they really care about, you might lose a fan for life.
An analogous example is companies overworking employees for like 80 hours a week for months on end. Very recently a company basically said hey thats how we do business, its good work ethic. If they had also said you'd do the same, i would have raged on that. Because they have unethical business practices, screw them, I wouldnt do the same.
Now that Im writing this, it makes me think of the well known and amazing book "Non Violent Communication" https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
The author talks about how its good to avoid the word you in times like this because people feel attacked. And in this case kinda rightly so. This company has no idea if I would do the same or not, the most they can say is that some high percentage of the population would do the same, and morality isnt a popularity contest so its irrelevant.
What's been helping me is the [Non-violent Communication Book] (http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034). Now I have a little notebook where I try to name all my feelings at certain moments or when triggered. It's been getting a bit easier, and less cloudy.
There's such a stigma around introverts, and it's really unfortunate, because *there is nothing wrong with you*. If you're happy, you do you. If your partner makes you feel really guilty about it, sit down and have a real conversation with him/her about how you feel and how introverts like yourself "work" and feel happiest.
​
Would highly suggest reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153. I think it might help you feel a little more empowered and confident in being an introvert.
This book is a good read. I highly recommend it.
Welcome to the club, also this book is awesome :
Quiet by Susan Cain http://amzn.com/0307352153
If you have some free time, it might be a good idea to take some time to read, journal, and learn new skills.
You can journal about the fall semester and try to brainstorm the reasons for why you got a 2.5 GPA. Were you taking time to study every day, were you spending too much time at Kams, or were you spending too much time alone on reddit and not developing a social circle? There's a lot of reasons that can lead to a difficult semester and identifying them is important to prevent the same problems from happening again in the spring. Also the act of journaling will help you process your thoughts in a more productive way than if you are just ruminating.
Reading would also be a great use of your time because for one, the act of reading helps to alleviate feelings of loneliness. You can also read different books about motivation, psychology, health, or success that can give you some tools on how to think about your problems. Some books that were beneficial to me when I was in a similar situation were, "Change Your Brain Change Your Life (before 25)," "The Defining Decade," and "Mindset." Here's the links to them on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Brain-Life-Before/dp/0373892926
https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483208928&sr=1-1&keywords=mindset
Lastly, learning new skills will help you increase your confidence and remind you that you are a capable person. Learn how to solve a rubix cube, learn to play a song on some instrument, take a coding class online, or teach yourself how to make an omelette. Honestly, you can teach yourself anything and it will be beneficial. Learning these small skills will make you feel productive and increase your sense of self-efficacy.
Try not to think of your failures as a sign that there is something inherently wrong with you or that you are a failure. You have an incredible capability to grow as a human in all areas of your life and failing is a good sign to show that your pushing yourself to learn. In the words of John Wooden, "Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be."
I'll leave you with one last quote that I found to be inspirational: "Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all." - Norman Vincent Peale.
ILL!
Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:
Link: http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
|Country|Link|
|:-----------|:------------|
|UK|amazon.co.uk|
|Spain|amazon.es|
|France|amazon.fr|
|Germany|amazon.de|
|Japan|amazon.co.jp|
|Canada|amazon.ca|
|Italy|amazon.it|
|China|amazon.cn|
This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting).
I read this book recently and it helped a lot. Do something greate in life. Go for the hot girl, or for the promotion, or the raise.... or ask out that tirl you'v always wanted to. It will work one time, guaranted, and when it dose, you'lll never forget that feeling. And you will own it and know that you cna do anythiung.
edit: I was hammered drunk when I wrote this. Please excuse the many spelling/grammatical errors.
This is an especially valid point when you consider that sociopaths are much more likely than the average person to end up dead as the result of drug or crime related activity, to contract HIV, to end up in prison, to end up incapacitated by other mental illnesses (hypochondria is a common one), and on and on. The majority of them are either dead or "burned out" (suffering greatly from one of the aforementioned consequences) by the time they reach their early 50s. (All info from The Sociopath Next Door, chapter 10.)
So, basically, these terpy terps are willing to literally risk their very lives in order to try to get some pussy.
Good job, idiots.
Many reasons.
1 - 4% of the population are sociopaths. Some babies are born without legs or arms. Some are born without the capacity to feel empathy for others. Check out this book for more information.
Some people have done the calculation. There are two ways to acquire resources: Work or plunder. Work is hard, and hard to find. Plunder is comparatively easier in the short run, though it leads to problems in the long run. People who want an easy way out and do not tend to think of the long term impacts, or who feel they have no other options, may opt to plunder.
Lastly, people can be socialized to steal and or rob by people around them. Certain communities and cultures promote theft and other crime for a variety of reasons and with a variety of justifications. Gang culture, for example, and some groups within Romani culture. I once witnessed my own sister, for example, teaching her children to shoplift.
While your end goal might be cartoons, you will HAVE to learn to draw realistically to some extent. No way would you be able to animate anything in perspective otherwise, understand lighting, or know how to composite complex scenes. There are fundamentals that you must understand that are key to 2D animation, regardless of art style, which should be continuously worked on alongside your stylistic development.
Books:
Simple book on perspective
My favorite anatomy book
A pretty simple book on light (More pictures/examples than in-depth detail)
Overall beginners drawing book
This covers light/shadow and materials decently for beginners
I personally think you should focus on fundamentals alone until you have a decent grasp before looking at animation. But if you want to learn concurrently, this book is pretty well-known in the industry: LINK
There's tons more, but I already think this might be too much to take in all at once. Discover for yourself the rest, it's not good to have everything handed to you with fundamentals, gotta reign it in personally.
You ought to consider reading some books on psychopathy. Might connect a few more dots. Here are a few:
"trust, but verify"
One out of 25 people you encounter may be a sociopath, and you probably won't know until it's too late, quite possibly while you are dating them.
There's also The Mask of Sanity, which was a pioneering work in the study of sociopathy. I found it to be comprehensible for the layperson. I'm sure the field of study has moved on since 1941, but the case studies it presents are fascinating. From what I've read, the book by Hare that you suggested is also seminal, though I haven't read it yet. Hare was the one who came up with the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, Revised.
Another one for laypeople: The Sociopath Next Door. It's not a serious academic work and more along the lines of The Psychopath Test, but it's a quick read and very interesting.
eh, hate to break it to you, but prior to around 1970, american real wages increased at a steady rate for around 150 years. it has not done so for the last four decades. its more or less due to capitalist bastardry that more women have sought work in those decades than ever before. purely economical. now, the reason they are paid less is pure sexism, no doubt about it. somehow, i agree with both and neither of you.
jackelope: explain PLEASE why it is that so many board-members and CEOs are male and not female. while you are at it, please explain why those men and (though admittedly rare) women are more likely to be sociopathic (like four times more likely)? i would link a torrent site ebook with my citation of this fact but sadly, i cannot find one. here's the link to a fine book supporting my claim. its really good reading though, worth paying for, but if you can d/l, so much the better. open source and all that.
you are talking about the united states, correct silentagony? well, the united states government are inimical to labor and socialism (see the taft-hartley act of 1947 if you doubt me). equal rights are wonderful, but from my perspective, if you are successful, it will only make the oppression of the proletariat that much more diverse. women who win the game of capital do the same fucking thing that the men do, screw over the workers (who i will remind you are at the lower part of the structure of capital and MUCH more likely to be women who are screwed economically and sometimes worse but hey, that's patriarchal capital for you.)
to rmuser: yeah, sexism sure does suck. transsexism is pretty awful as well, perhaps you agree, perhaps not. i experience it and i think it does. the whole fucking thing is terrible and terrifying. wage gaps are wrong, but if they were removed, the proletariat would still be sodomized regardless of sex, gender or rock-and-roll (although i will be the first to admit that cismales are screwed a little less fiercely.)
again, to jackelope: fucking hell, language is VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT. did you even READ 1984? language controls the fucking NARRATIVE goddamnit! thoughtcrime? hell-fucking-o? i say all this because i fervently hope that this angry rant will spark some sense in someone.
fuck it all, there are no commies or anarchists for world peace. some fakers are for a piece of the world, but fuck 'em, they do not represent me...
no, i do not hate any of you, i think you all have valid points but you are all fighting the wrong enemy. theres a good quote from a game of thrones that i feel is relevant (mainly because i am a total ASOIF nerd). Osha (the wildling woman from north of the wall) says: "I tried telling your brother, he's marching the wrong way. All these swords, they should be going north, boy, north, not south."
winter is coming
hell, i do not care anymore about this stupid karma shit (apparently), this infighting is FUCKING STUPID, way to go o my lgbt comrades. if the game is crooked, EVERY FUCKING MOVE IN THE GAME IS FUCKING CROOKED.
.:
This was animated by Richard Williams Studio, the animation team behind Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The channel that uploaded this video has a wealth of animated content related to Richard Williams, the man who literally wrote the book on animation, well worth a look.
the animation field is very very competitive. and little by little, jobs are being cut out from the field. if you go for animation, you better have passion. without it, you may as well have no chance...
i wanted to be an animator ever since i was a kid, i love cartoons. animation is a wonderful medium.
Do you know who Richard Williams is? I hope you do. In his book, The Animator's Survival Kit, He talks about his journey into the world of animation. please read that section which is located in the very first pages of the book.
i watched your video SidMonqay, and i will tell you to forget about animating right now. No, i don't mean lose the passion to animate. What i mean is forget about the technical part, which is animation. First, learn how to draw. No, i don't mean learn how to draw cartoons, i mean really REALLY learn how to draw. Study classical drawing and painting...trust me...if you focus on this you will be able to draw ANYTHING:cartoons, anime, illustration, comics, etc. because this is the HARDEST and most DIFFICULT art there is. (Jason Manley from ConceptArt.org https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh37Mtex67w) you don't have to 'master' it, but learn from it. once you know you are ready, you are ready for animation.
I am 22, and studying classical drawing at a studio in Chicago under a very great and talented artist who i call my mentor. he has connections to some of the biggest studios of animation out there, and knows A LOT of well known artists. He teaches classical drawing and painting but also works as a storyboard artists and is grateful to make a living as an artist. He told me he has plans to grow the studio into a small 'academy' where he and other artists will teach classical/digital/animation. I am so happy i found this place. it beats all the art colleges i have gone to.
I now go to the studio and study mechanical design technology at a community college(as a back up, if animation doesn't work out..)
I will introduce you to Bargue drawings(intro to classical training)
http://ricardopontes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/34_plate_I_7_the_foot_of_the_gladiator.jpg
This book my mentor suggested me to read, which i did "Lessons in Classical Drawing: Essential Techniques from Inside the Atelier"
http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Classical-Drawing-Essential-Techniques/dp/082300659X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1409106710&sr=8-2&keywords=classical+atelier
This artist who has great drawing/painting demos DVDs which i learned a lot from (Robert Liberace)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyC4sxFrr9w
An animation news website
http://www.cartoonbrew.com/
Calarts which is the best school(they say) for character animation
http://calarts.edu/
(but listen, you DO NOT need a degree for animation. you DO need a kick ass portfolio. and i mean it. kick ass...you get the job and recognition from your portfolio and skills, not the piece of paper.
I myself am not getting a degree in art or animation.)
here is my tumblr. i post my art there.
http://cigaretteclub.tumblr.com/
if anything SidMonqay, try art at a community college. it's cheaper than larger institutions. be careful of for-profit institutions and people that just want your money. that is where i messed up, and i lost all hope, until i found this studio. I highly recommend you go and find a studio or atelier and study drawing and painting there. there are also art workshops every year for illustration/animation/drawing/painting you can find each year around the U.S! like this one http://www.artconnectionacademy.com/SaturdayLectures.aspx
but, choose your own path! any questions, feel free to ask
[edit] of course! Richard Williams book on animation! http://www.amazon.com/The-Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles/dp/086547897X
this is the quintessential text for any animator.
Start with Eric Goldberg's book "Character Animation Crash Course!"
http://www.amazon.com/Character-Animation-Crash-Course-Goldberg/dp/1879505975
It reads a lot less like the stereo instructions that is Richard Williams's "Animator's Survival Kit" providing for a much more accessible and lighter introduction to animation. If, after you've read through it, you find that animation is still for you then absolutely 110% get Richard Williams's book.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=0MV2H6MZNC3HHHH1ED43
Another must have is "The Illusion of Life".
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0786860707/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1S91BNCH9AFXPJQCA1HH
Always keep in mind that the word animate means "to give life to." You are bringing a character to life be it a drawing or a 3D model. Before even touching paper and pencil (because you thoroughly plan your scene out that way first before touching the mouse ;-) ask yourself "what is the character thinking?" Get inside that character's head. Sketch out exploratory poses. They don't have to be gorgeously rendered drawings. They are your visual notes and can even be stick figures just so long as you can read them. Get away from your desk and physically act out what your character has to do or hit up YouTube for research. Shoot reference with your smartphone (use an app like ProCamera which lets you shoot at 24fps) and analyze how long it takes you to perform an action. Don't sweat the software just yet. That's the technical stuff that comes later. Animators are actors and it's important to understand acting first. That being said, this book is great for learning Maya.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0415826594/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1453026213&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=how+to+cheat+in+maya+2015&dpPl=1&dpID=51IrWwVyubL&ref=plSrch
This book combines learning to animate in Maya while simultaneously teaching the 12 principles of animation. The very best of luck to you in the beginning of your animation journey. Take your time and practice everyday. Think of animation as a muscle. You have to workout everyday for it to get stronger even if you only work on something for 15 minutes a day.
Awesome, keep at it and dont be afraid to try crazy movements.
I use this book nearly everytime I work on an traditional animated project, cant recomend it enough.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1485615187&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=animators+survival+kit&dpPl=1&dpID=51mu0NS88VL&ref=plSrch
Spend at least 20 minutes a day doing "gestures." Websites like quickposes.com are incredible resources. You can't draw the human/animal form enough, even if 3D is where you'll work. Never ever miss a class and build a strong portfolio. Animation as an industry can be a meritocracy, so animate, draw everything all the time.
You can do this. Source: went to school for animation and have incredibly successful friends working as animators. (I, myself am an illustrator.)
Also, get yourself this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1459295497&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=animation&dpPl=1&dpID=513WsqEOM-L&ref=plSrch
I've been reading Adult children of emotionally immature parents and it's giving me some helpful insights about mentally reframing how I think about my mother.
I can only offer a personal opinion and that is that feminist philosophers have spent a great deal of time discussing the relationship between gender, consent and power vis-à-vis sexual relationships. The main distinction they make between so-called "polygamy" and so-called "polyamory" is the power/consent dynamic in each. So I recommend you search the feminist scholarship on polygamy and polyamory as an area where fruitful discussions on this question have long been held.
If you want an accessible primer on the pro-polyamory side, I would recommend The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy
There's a pretty decent book about this very topic... The Ethical Slut.
>My fear is that honestly there are not many men out there like him PLUS amazing sex drive.
How many men have you dated? If you've dated dozens and he was the best of the bunch then you're probably right.
However if you've only had a small sample, say less than 5, you don't have much reason to think he's especially rare.
Here's a great Tim Minchin song about the mathematical unlikeliness of "the one".
>I know he is extremely loyal and will not chase other girls, and I know that I will chase and be chased HAVE been chased by plenty..jealousy could play a factor
The argument here is that if sex is very important to you, but not that important for your SO, then why would he be bothered if you're doing something unimportant with other people that makes you happy. Would he have a problem with you doing some other recreational activity that wasn't important to him (like tennis) with someone else? Of course the reality is a lot more complicated and messy than that but the principle is sound. You should check out The Ethical Slut
>Many good fucks end up being jerks or incompatible personality wise.
If you wouldn't settle for someone who was sexually compatible but had an incompatible personality, why settle for someone who was personally compatible but not sexually?
I'm not sure good fucks or good people are any rarer than the other.
According to the kinsey institute:
>Approximately 20-25% of men and 10-15% of women engage in extramarital sex at least once during their marriage. (Laumann, 1994; Wiederman, 1997)
The Ethical Slut states that Kinsey found that 50% of supposedly monogamous relationships included a outside partner, but I can't find data to back that one up.
Your paying entirely too much attention to the content of her complaint rather than the emotion of her complaint. Although she may say so she probably doesn't really want a guy that is more emotional.
Perhaps she:
Feels like you don't need her?
Doesn't know what you really think of her?
Needs for you to demonstrate that you are trustworthy?
I had a girlfriend that for ages complained about the same thing, but keep in mind that what a woman says she wants out of a relationship and really wants out of a relationship are two different things.
A book that really helped me deal with women was The Way of the Superior Man
I've told people on this sub to do this before, but I honestly think you should take a look at this book. This is based on actual scientific research on relationships, not self-help BS, so I think it could be really helpful in this situation. This guy sounds like a pretty cookie-cutter case of someone who is avoidantly attached. This means that without serious therapy, he will shy away from intimacy and probably remain a commitment-phobe who won't meet your emotional needs. I can't tell you how to run your life, but I'd probably try to get out while you can and find someone who will actually want intimacy with you.
Hmmm sounds like you might find the book Attached helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 It sounds like this might be kind of an avoidant behavior: maybe as you get to know someone, you start feeling uncomfortable with the closeness and start finding things to justify why you can't get any closer? Worth reading up on, talking to a therapist about if it's upsetting you. Good luck!
I recommend you read Attached. It focuses on a love perspective but I find it very applicable to my friendships as well.
Consider also going to a therapist and maybe a support group for people with similar issues.
Have you read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love?
I highly recommend "Deeper Dating" by Ken Page as he describes this phenomenon exactly. He calls it "the wave of distancing" and says it often happens in relationships that are actually good for us. He writes more about it in Chapter 9, 'The Saboteurs of New Love":
>"In my years as a psychotherapist, dater, friend and learning partner, I've come to believe that one phenomenon has destroyed more potentially great relationships than any other single factor. I call this phenomenon the Wave of Distancing (or simply, "The Wave") The wave occurs when you push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth.
>
>... What does this phenomenon look like in dating? You're dating someone caring and available, and there has been at least a spark of attraction for you. And yet:
>
>You can't find the sense of affection and desire you once had
>
>You keep getting irritated at him or bored by him
>
>Her flaws make you quickly lose respect for her, even if you don't show it
>
>You start yearning for the excitement of the hunt
>
>You feel like a fraud, pretending you're interested when you just don't feel it any more
>
>... This widespread phenomenon has huge implications for our romantic lives. If we can't navigate the Wave, we'll keep going after the wrong people and passing the right ones by. Our lack of training in managing the Wave has doomed countless good relationships." (Page 171)
I highly recommend getting this book and reading the rest of this chapter for more info! Also like another commenter said, 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is worth checking out. It's not perfect as it's a bit simplistic (it doesn't go into much detail about Fearful-Avoidant people) but still would be relevant to your experience. I found these excerpts from that book were helpful:
>"Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure and obsessive - only to feel elated every once in a while - tell yourself that this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. "Still waters run deep" is a good way of characterising it.
>
>... The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don't let emotional unavailability turn you on."
If you're interested in diving into attachment theory, I'd highly recommend the book Attached.
I've been discussing the book with my therapist after identifying some anxious attachment patterns in myself. I was dating someone who displayed a lot of avoidant attachment behaviors, and reading the chapter about the effect that anxious and avoidant attachment styles have on each other was so enlightening.
To answer your question, I do believe that relationship happiness is absolutely attainable, even for those of us with attachment styles that are not "secure." Like most things worth reaching for in life, it will take some work and dedication. But, really, that could be said to anyone wishing to attain a happy relationship, right?
It's a huge step that you're recognizing and facing these things. That's an important step that many people never reach. I'm a huge fan of therapy/counseling when it comes to this stuff. I don't know where I'd be without it.
I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.
There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=157344295X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG
But absolutely the first one.
You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.
The Ethical Slut
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379&ved=0ahUKEwiuley00ebXAhXCQt8KHVE_BywQ5OUBCGYwDA&usg=AOvVaw0C0biNX9E1HSS_DxjO55e4
Helped me get some perspective on a life altering path I knew I was heading down without the vocabulary to really discuss it properly. It's not the BEST book on ethical non monogamy, but it's a really good starting point...
The way your wife is going about this is detestable. That said, is this the first time she mentioned open relationship, or is it something you have talked about before with her and now she is just making it an ultimatum?
Happy relationships exist outside the traditional monogamous norm, (please see /r/polyamory) and it is entirely possible for some people (not all) to not only have sex outside their marriage, but to love outside their marriage without damaging the primary relationship.
Again, if this is a sudden out of the blue ultimatum, your wife has not done a good job at all. I seriously recommend you discuss why she wants this (i.e. sexual dissatisfaction, lost the "spark", etc.) and then discuss rules about the relationship. Open does not have to mean "you can do whatever you want", it can mean a huge number of things, and rules can exist to ease the transition and comfort level of each partner.
Recommended reading: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn
TL;DR: If you care about your marriage, discuss it openly and try to put aside your pain and consider rationally.
Get yourself some audiobooks and a bike. Physical activity helps settle your nerves and gets you out of the worrying about other people's opinions.
If you had a controlling or abusive parent, I'm sorry, and with distance and boundaries between you and them, some of this constant over vigilance will diminish over time. (That is a common cause of this sort of over vigilance)
Here are some audiobooks I suggest for your rides:
A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy
The 7 Habits of Self-Loving People
Gifts of Imperfection
Here are some paper/kindle books also in this vein:
Non-Violent communication is about talking to people intimately, baring yourself vulnerably to them. It's about not demanding things. It's also about talking to yourself with similar kindness and gentleness (which you're likely not doing)
The Tao is Silent is a mathematician playing with accepting ideas, some of which are vaguely influenced by Taoism. The chapter on Dogs and Free Will I always found personally very freeing.
This book is about $20 on kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B003WEAI4E/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1376779454&sr=8-2&pi=SL75
The same book is about $8 in paper format:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0671027034/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1376779454&sr=8-1&pi=SL75
Simon and schuster are a despicable publisher who conspired with apple to price fix and raise ebook prices. They can suck on a bag.
For those who are interested in reading a little bit more on the subject of body language, I read the book What Everybody is Saying a few years ago and found it fairly interesting.
I recommend some books on body language.
I'm currently reading The Definitive Book of Body Language
I have also read What Every BODY is Saying
I recommend both of them.
The first book is more about general body language, body language in business, and body language is courting. The second book is about lying and catching people lie.
There is also this book: Unmasking the Face: A Guide to Recognizing Emotions From Facial Expressions which I haven't read yet, but it looks good.
What Everybody is saying and The Definitive Book of Body Language are the two big ones as far as I know.
Heard great recommendations for this book
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0061438294/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d3_i2?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-5&pf_rd_r=00Y69KAT3HNHGWWK204J&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=317823447&pf_rd_i=468294
Here is something I typed up previously. The book I am writing will talk about most of this stuff. I'll be posting some articles I'm writing about communication here soon. For now, my old post. I endorse these books:
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So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.
Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.
That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:
(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)
Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
Author: Alan Alda
I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
Author: Jay Sullivan
More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
Author: Kerry Patterson
A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
Author: Liel Lowndes
Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.
Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.
I read a really great book that has helped my social anxiety immensely. It's called How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes. It gives you really simple tips that improve your social skills... And thinking about these tips will give you something to think about other than how awkward you are, which also helps.
You're exactly the sort of person who will eventually stumble into the seduction community. You could do worse, but first, some warnings...
That said...
> How do I overcome my inexperience?
AndyNemmity said it: Practice.
> Should I ever tell women that I'm inexperienced? (I tried this once and it might've put her off.)
I would say, yes, you should; if nothing else, when asked, but I don't recommend bringing it up. This is really your call. Different people will react in different ways. It's going to take some time to learn what those ways will be.
> What should I do about my emotions showing up like yesterday?
I think my self-esteem problem comes from my inexperience, but is there anything I can do specifically for that problem?
You are not going for 100%. You are going for 5%. Out of 20, 19 are practice. Act on your emotions as soon as you get an inkling of them. Regret lasts so much longer than rejection.
> I'm starting to use dating sites. Do you have any ideas for my circumstances? (Maybe I should look for a short-term relationship, or more women in the 18-22 range, or older women?)
Every word counts. Give people something to build on. Make sure your profile has lots of things to talk about. You are awesome. You make awesome into a verb. Be as positive as possible: Nothing has ever gone wrong in your life.
When you reach out to someone, make sure that there's something obvious to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their profile. "Hi, how's it going?" is good enough in real life, but sucks online.
> Is it wrong for me to turn down interested women? (Like the "love" case above, but maybe I should just do it anyway. That doesn't seem fair to anyone.)
It might be right for you. This is something only you can decide. Is a relationship with this woman an improvement in your life? Maybe, maybe not.
> Should I learn/accomplish/do something to stand out of the crowd?
I try to strike up a conversation before asking someone out to get some comfort in learning a little about them. Is this a bad approach? It probably limits my options.
If you have everyone's attention, you are making an impression on anyone you might be interested in. This is a two-way street, so while it's powerful, be careful.
You should have something interesting to talk about. Otherwise you're just one of the masses, and blending in isn't going to get anyone's attention.
I'll also mention that you might consider getting one of your female friends to set you up. This is likely to be a lot less game-playing. Maybe you want to play games; games are fun, after all, and you probably don't want something too serious right now. You probably don't even know what it is you want. If you do know, tap into your social network.
> If I'm the one keeping a conversation going (by asking questions, introducing topics, etc.), how likely is it that she's not interested?
Very likely, but that isn't your fault. We live in a self-centered society. The best you can manage is pay attention to the things other people say (do not talk to just girls; talk to everyone), and tie back into it later. Someone who is actually paying attention will be genuinely surprising.
On the downside, then you may well become the bored one.
> Are there any books that could help me? Assume I've never read any on this topic.
It sounds like the major issue you're having is picking up on signals. For that, I would recommend starting with The Definitive Book of Body Language; skip to chapter 15, but read the whole thing. I've also seen advertisements for You Say More Than You Think but haven't read it; that might be useful. Really there are any number of body language manuals out there. Read at least one, preferably more.
Consider reading either some of the book by Leil Lowndes (in particular, I'd recommend How to Talk to Anyone), or The Rules of the Game; both will get you started just talking to people. I would favor Leil Lowndes' work just because she seems less sketchy (though she did co-write a paper with David DeAngelo).
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s perfectly understandable after enduring abuse and neglect.
I’d like to share some information that really helped me, that may give you a fresh perspective. If it doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to disregard it.
Communication is like any other skill. We can improve our skill set through learning and practice. We have the amazing neuroplasticity of our brains on our side here! (neurons that fire together, wire together). When learning any new skill we move through four stages as we build new neural pathways;
(we don’t know what we don’t know)
(we acknowledge that we have a lack of experience, knowledge, and understanding)
(we have to actively think about and mindfully practice our new skill; over and over again, learning from each experiment and iteration)
(we no longer have to think about using our new skill, it becomes effortless to perform)
Like riding a bike, or driving a car. You had to move through all the steps until you get to the level where you don’t have to think about it anymore. You just get in and drive.
You are past step one already! You know what you don’t know. To get to step 3, you’ll need some knowledge and tools. Here are a few that I studied, learned from, and started using in my step 3 practice:
So, that psychologically safety thing, was a huge missing piece of my puzzle. My parents aren’t psychologically safe to be vulnerable around. So now I need to learn how to make it safe. And there are been some amazing tools I’ve consumed along the way.
Armed with all this knowledge and multiple strategies, it becomes easier and easier to practice step 3 - conscious competence.
Now we’re into the real deal. We have new knowledge and new strategies, time for some new experiences. This is where we have to be brave and learn to embrace what we don’t know and do it afraid, surround ourself with good people, and abandon our expectations and expect the unexpected. We get to play. And when we play, sometimes we make mistakes, accidents happen, and people get hurt. That’s okay. We use our apology skills and work on building trust again. We set, hold, and embrace boundaries to keep it psychologically safe. We practice. And eventually it will seem to come naturally to us. It just takes time, patience, and practice. You got this!
Thanks for sharing your situation, I hope we're able to offer some empathy and ideas that'll help at least a little in your situation.
I can imagine how incredibly distressing it must be to pour so much of your being into something so important to you, then not be seen for the s contribution you made. Sounds like you really just would like some appreciation and celebration of your efforts?
If you're open to some ideas, so here's a few that come to mind:
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1. Empathy first
Firstly, obviously I encourage you to get the empathy you need. If you can get empathy from friends or loved ones, that will help you to release a lot of the stored emotions which will mean that if you do approach your coworkers, you'll be able to be that much more clear, present, and ready. So, if you've got a friend or two to ask if you can vent about it to, I'd go for that first. Sharing here is often helpful in that regard as well, so you're probably already well on your way with this one.
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2. Finding Clarity
I feel one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves in any difficult situation is:
> What do I really want?
This may sound lame, but it has been absolutely essential in my experience. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we get out of our head, drop the blame, and focus on where we actually want to put our energy that'll benefit everyone.
Example: A few months back, I posted here when I was seriously upset by a weird thing that happened with my housemates. Basically, they decided at a meeting I couldn't make it to that I could no longer play music in the shower, but they didn't put it in the meeting notes and brought it up to me in a weird indirect way. I felt really hurt that they didn't bring it to me directly, and shocked that it wasn't put it in the meeting notes since it was a decision that was discussed.
When I asked myself, "What do I really want?" I realized that I wanted basically two things:
a. Honest Self-Expression: To honestly express and hopefully be heard for at least some of my pain around this and…
b. Agreement for Change: To create a culture where it doesn't happen again moving forward. Specifically, by seeing if we can all agree to put ALL decisions in the meeting notes, and directly reach out to someone should a decision impact them significantly.
So, I wrote out basically what I hoped to say. In the moment, I was still fairly charged bringing it forward to the group, which generated some intensity, but everyone agreed that it was weird how that happened and agreed to my two requests (1. ensuring all decisions get in the notes and 2. proactively reaching out to anyone directly impacted by a meeting decision.)
It was such a struggle for me to bring this forward when I felt like the whole group had let me down and thrown me under the bus behind my back. Or at least that's the story I was telling myself… But when I got clear and specific on what I wanted, I could find a way to bring it forward in a way that was honest, could be used benefit everyone, rather than cause unnecessary drama.
Not sure if this is helpful. But what I sense is that you might be in a similar place as I was before I brought forward my concern to the group, and I know for me it really helped to be clear about the exact outcomes I wanted.
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3. Creating Safety: Mutual Respect + Shared Purpose
When we go into crucial conversations, the last thing we want is for it to go into silence (shut downs, refusing to talk) or violence (attack, blame, etc.). So it helps to understand why that occurs, and do our very best to prevent it.
The biggest reason conversations break down into silence or violence, is when people fear one of two things:
So to prevent silence or violence, we do the opposite: We create safety. And that's done by:
So, let's say you go into this conversation with your supervisor, who took credit for the project. If you don't create a sense of safety for your supervisor, the worst case would be 1) he thinks you're basically saying he's an egotistical jerk or 2) he thinks what you want is to diminish the credit he received and downplay his contribution.
Neither of those implications would be starting the conversation off on a very good foot…
So, if you're with me on this, I would suggest you do the opposite. Create a sense of safety in the conversation by establishing:
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(PS This point on safety is straight out of the book Crucial Conversations, not from me, highly recommended!)
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Summary
Anyway, so just to summarize, basically I'm suggesting get empathy first, get clarity of what you want, then plan your conversation by establishing mutual respect & shared purpose.
So how might that sound in conversation? Let's say his name is Tim. Here's just an off-the-top-of-my-head example of how those ideas could come together. Probably nothing like what you actually want to say to him, just an example of how those ideas could be brought together:
>Hey Tim, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. It's a bit difficult to bring up, but I think talking about it could really help the strength of our team. You know that project we just finished? Well I'm incredibly proud of the work we did, and I want you to know how much I appreciate what you did to _____ in moving that project forward. One thing I wanted to let you know is that when I saw that my name wasn't mentioned anywhere, I felt pretty bummed because I felt I played an important role on that project - in fact, I was the one who brought forward the idea to others - and I guess I just wanted some kind of recognition of all the work I put into it. I know it's tough to credit everyone, but I feel that when our team members get acknowledgement for their work, it can really energize them to keep up the good work. But when we're not, I don't know about for others but for me, it makes me feel like no one is seeing all the work I'm doing. And that feels exhausting. And I'm sure we all want to work for a team that's enthusiastic about making contributions to the team, not feeling burnt out. Again, I get that it's not easy to name everyone, but I really feel some sort of way of recognition could really help to build a culture on our team where each member feels valued and energized to contribute on new projects, if we can find a way to at least get everyone's name listed somewhere. What would you think if…?
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Whew. Sorry for the wall of text. Hope something in there is useful to you, but feel free to ignore if not!
…Also, a disclaimer that this isn't perfect NVC per say, moreso ideas I'm piecing together from various approaches, mostly NVC and Crucial Conversations.
Does anything here resonate for you?
When people retreat from discussion into anger, I go to the book Crucial Conversations to plan. Knowing your boss, you can add a shared goal and contrast to make it absolutely clear you're not criticizing him or starting a conflict: "You're here to make sure I get this task done on time and don't miss any details, like that time I did X. Right? (shared goal) But I'm having so much trouble concentrating with you here all the time. I'm not saying my work is so good it doesn't need to be checked. (contrast) I just want to be able to think through things without having to worry that they're not perfect yet. Can you wait a while and check the finished product instead?"
The idea is to keep things absolutely safe, not calling them a bad person (everyone knows micromanager is a bad thing, and no one wants to believe they're a bad person) and not challenging their authority to do their job. That makes it safe for them to think about changing.
The approach you are suggesting in the OP (gathering ammunition to win a fight over the way things should be) is doomed to fail. Not just because you are subordinate and lack power in the relationship, but also because direct conflict destroys your working relationship. Only dialogue can improve it.
Totally understand where you're coming from! I do agree, it's something to work on, but you obviously know that or else you wouldn't be asking for advice! I personally took some communication classes (while in college) that helped me out a lot with my harshness. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments (usually face to face) but I'm a lot better than I use to be.
Also, there was a professional development training I took a while back and the trainer suggested reading a book for professional conversation. Can't tell you if it's helpful since I never read it but maybe it's also something to look into :)
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1BMLDbSRX8T5B
For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.
This comment nails it: it's fine to be generally quieter as log as you exert your confidence at the right moments.
I'm a Planner/Strategist, and in my earlier years the one critique during my reviews was that I wasn't asserting myself in meetings enough. It was true: whenever there would be waves of (extroverted) people endlessly talking over each other, I tended to recede into silence, which is a problem when they were paying me to share what I think.
These days, when the room is rambling, I use that time to mentally hone the thing I want to contribute, so that I can really make the most of the eventual opening in that conversation. Doing that over time, you can develop a reputation for making the most insightful contributions to a meeting, as opposed to those who just talk the most.
(Oh, and if you haven't read the book Quiet by Susan Cain, you absolutely should. It's an excellent guide on how to use the strengths of your introversion in environments that are skewed towards extroverts.)
>I don’t regret having one, just extremely ashamed of being sexual and communicating it to girls and also showing it to the world. Attracting girls’ attention and whatnot isn’t very hard but progressing things to dating, holding hands and eventually sex is impossible. I can’t even call them or message them on Facebook or Whatsapp because I just feel like an idiot for doing so. Making a move in clubs and bars is also difficult although I once got close to leaving with a girl but she didn't want to. I got made fun of a lot growing up for not having a girlfriend and this made me feel like i do not deserve one. It doesn't matter if I've got the green light to go ahead I just feel really ashamed do it. Even something like looking at a fit girl wearing a short skirt makes me feel bad for checking her out and that I shouldn’t be doing it.
I know what you mean. I've been there myself, but even when I was there I was entirely self-aware of my shame and I was skeptical of the validity of my emotional reactions; I realized they were ingrained. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to be emotionally proactive. Your sex-negative problem is mostly an emotional issue, and not much else, right? I've been there. I wouldn't doubt that you are also decent looking and have both latent and actualized social skills. Most intelligent introverts have a lot of potential to be who they want to be because they know themselves more deeply than others. You must use your introverted nature to your advantage and recognize the differences in others and yourself. In all honesty, there are an infinite number of unwritten rules; everyone's abstract/emotional logic is different. Many of them are foundational and predictable, however; including yours and mine. Like anything else, being emotionally predictable is not a black/white issue. It is a grey area, and you have to balance your reliability with creativity.
Being made fun of for not having a girlfriend is just as sexist as being made fun of for not having a boyfriend; gender equal too. Were you ever shamed for not having a boyfriend? It's clearly a matter of groupthink and extroverted style; not for everyone. Dating relationships, for extroverts especially, are often attention-getting and showy. They wear their relationships like trophies won. Usually introverts prefer a more private relationship because they have less social desire and are often shamed because of it. Introverts are “themselves” more often in private. Extroverts are “themselves” more often in public. There is no shame deserved either way, regardless of popular opinion. Both styles have their strengths and weaknesses, and you should try to introject some of the traits that you enjoy in others; regardless of type. That is how you become balanced.
>I’m receiving counselling from a pastor who advocates the whole “no sex before marriage” thing and believes that people should only date to get married and sex is only for making kids which is stupid IMO because I do not plan on getting married anytime soon.
Counseling from a Catholic pastor? Watch out, that is one of the most notorious sex-negative societies out there. They own the abstinence-only charade while they parade horribles. Marriage is not the answer to anything; it is an institution of the state. Anything else attached is sentimental.
If you haven't already, I recommend doing an in-depth study of animal sexual behaviors; especially the most intelligent animals. All animals have sex for pleasure, but some animals are only driven to have sex at certain times of the year; humans are on a 24/7 system.
>I’ve tried the no fap route and gotten very high days counts but that hasn’t really helped me at all.
Sexual frustration doesn't help anyone. If you are mindful, then you can use your libido to further your goals, but it is not an all-cure.
>Got any sources to help overcome sex-negative perspectives? I’m interested in recreational sex not baby making sex.
Absolutely. I recommend starting with actual sex science and learning about male and female psychology and neurology. Then work your way into reading about sex culture. You should also study developmental psychology as you will probably need the clinical context in order to objectively self-evaluate your childhood influences; it is necessary for self-therapy. The best therapy will always be self-therapy; no one will ever know you better than yourself.
Evolutionary Science and Morals Philosophy:
The Selfish Gene
The Moral Landscape
The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined
Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do?
Sex Psychology, Science, and Neurology:
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex
The Female Brain
The Male Brain
Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love
What Do Women Want
Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)
Sex: The world's favorite pastime fully revealed
Behavioral Psychology and Abstract Economics:
How Pleasure Works
Freakonomics
Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking
Thinking Fast And Slow
We Are All Weird
Developmental Psychology:
Nurture Shock
Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts That Run Our Lives
Empathy Building:
Half The Sky
The House On Mango Street
Me Before You
The Fault In Our Stars
Also check out James Hollis' Understanding The Psychology of Men lecture if you can find it.
Movies: XXY, Tom Boy, Dogtooth, Shame, Secretary, Nymphomaniac, Juno, Beautiful Creatures, and The Man From Earth.
All of these things are related, but it is up to you to make the connections; pick and choose which material suits your interests best. These are the things that came to mind first, and they have all influenced my perspectives.
To add to this people often have some kind of tick as well too when they lie, twirling their hair, scratching their nose, etc.
If you want to get really crazy and and event study some body language to further up your acting game, check out the excellent book "The Definitive Book of Body Language". It is very thorough, visual and even has tests at the end. Great read.
I read "The Definitive Book of Body Language" by Barbara and Allan Pease. It was easy to read, and might have actually helped a bit.
Also, first season of Lie to Me for microexpressions
Edit: I learned how to link
My kid really enjoyed https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/
I think that the idea that there are clues that one can use to deduce things that most people don't realize might be attractive to someone trying to puzzle out the rules. Good luck!
I agree that therapy, both individual and couples, is WONDERFUL, and I think y'all should go for that if you have the time and money. When my husband and I were in school together and could take advantage of the "free" therapy, at one point we were both doing individual therapy AND couples therapy! :-P We can't afford to do that now (shitty insurance/not much income), but we do still work on ourselves and our relationship.
Four things that have helped me in my relationship with my husband, who's also an ACoN:
Hope that helps! Good for you guys for being self-aware and striving to work on your relationship.
I'll take a controversial view: this has nothing to do with your children and everything to do with your marriage.
I think you should focus less on establishing ground rules for discipline for your future child, and focus more on communicating effectively with your husband and vice versa. To say you are not hearing each other is an understatement.
This may sound like schmoozey psycho babble, but heart sharing is a technique they use in family and couples therapy. The point is to focus on being heard, and tabling any resolution until mutual understanding is achieved.
You need to be heard: you're traumatized by physical violence in the home. Does your husband get this? If his response is along the lines of "yes, but..." anything following that "but" is him turning away from your heart. There is a reciprocal ask: you need to know that discipline matters to your husband: he envisions himself as an authority, and wants kids who are mindful and obedient.
If you guys ever get the chance to take the Gottman institute, it is worth the investment for your marriage (and consequently, your children who will grow up seeing a loving marriage). If not, the books are super helpful. One my wife and I read and love is: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797.
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
specifically as it pertains to "stonewalling"
It's a whack title for a book, but top notch content. Written by the progenitor of evidence-based marriage counseling.
Gottman is highly referenced within relationship counselling stuff, and focuses on principles of positive relations, with no gender roles or religion. I don't know anything about this particular book, or others, but could be worth a starting look.
I am not sure what the answer is but this may help. There is a recent trend of people being all into personality types (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) which in the right context is actually quite helpful.
http://www.16personalities.com/ is the best test I have found online, but to truly nail down your type you are supposed to be tested by a trained person. Regardless you can probably figure out where you land on the spectrum of personalities just from reading their descriptions.
The reason I bring this up isn't because I am a fan boy of personality tests but because it may be just be your personality, something that is hard coded to you, which you have to work with and gain insight to. The best way to use these test I have found isn't to find compatibility with other people but to find it with yourself. I have learned what areas I am stubborn in, where I am less than stellar, and where I exceed others. Changing your personality flaws (if even possible) is probably harder than changing any other single thing about yourself. If you however develop insight and mindfulness you can build self-awareness to how you react to situations/people and you can watch yourself more closely.
There are plenty of books on Amazon you can find just by searching MBTI related to personalities that will give you a wealth of information. Once you find your type you can find even more specific ones. It sounds you may lean towards being extroverted (getting energy from other people) but you said you like your solitude so perhaps you are a hybrid! I am an introvert and this book I started reading has been beneficial: http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695
Wish you well.
Almost everything here is great advice, so much so that I'm probably going to send my wife a copy of this thread so she can finally 'get it.' Just my two cents on the topic as well:
As you can probably guess, I'm introverted, my wife of eleven years is an extrovert. She's a talker. Loves to talk to people, anyone. At length. She wouldn't know concise if it landed on her head and crapped in her hair. (She's also very (ugh) touchy-feely. Still love her, though.)
She's had many of the same complaints that you're expressing in your post: Physical contact (like holding hands, little touches out in public, PDA's, etc) and communication (or the lack thereof, in her opinion). I tell her the same thing, everytime:
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I'm just not geared the same way you are.
It's not that I don't like social situations, it's just that they are mentally and physically draining for me. Small talk sucks. Especially if I don't know anyone there, those are the worst. Having a few 'go-to' friends around helps. Making sure there is someplace I can retreat off to, even if it's just a chair in the corner, to recover a bit, helps. Understanding if I tell you I need a break for 5-10 minutes to recharge the batteries, and noticing if I do need to take a break (body language and if I'm getting cranky), helps. Please don't get mad at me when I do these things, it's just what I need.
Conversation-wise, I'm not a big talker, unless I'm with close friends or family. Even then, I tend to only say what I think is needed. I'm not big on small talk; I'm fine with silence, I don't need to fill every space in a conversation with, IMHO, unnecessary noise. That being said, please don't take my silence for being cold, or distant, or me ignoring you. I choose my words carefully, and unfortunately that takes a few moments in my head. If you're asking a question, please give me time to contemplate my answer. It's important, because I value your understanding.
I absolutely need me time, with no one else around a lot so I can enjoy some of the things I love doing and clear the clutter and the noise and all the flotsam and jetsam of sound and light that accumulates in my head; it brings me clarity and peace, and allows me to feel so much better. Please don't be offended if I ask for time alone, or if I shoo you away when I'm in the middle of one of my solitary tasks; instead, support me with understanding. I need time to myself just as much as you need time out being social. Support me and who I am, and you will discover yourself receiving more than you give in return.
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I think the biggest thing is understanding. He's probably got similar complaints about the strange 'crazy extroverted woman' that he's going out with, and trying to figure you out as well.
This last year, I read a couple of good books that helped me understand my own introversion better:
The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, and
Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength. I found them at my local library, just linked them to Amazon for pictures. They definitely gave me a deeper understanding of why I am how I am, and much better knowing that there were a lot of people just like me. If you can find one or the other, give it a skim, or even sit down and read it through with him. Might just help.
[Edit: Just found my copy of The Introvert Advantage here. I'm done with it, and would be happy to throw it in the mail to you. Just have to promise to pass it on to anyone else here in /r/introvert when you're done.]
I read a book years ago called the Introvert Advantage which covers these same ideas - it's okay to be an introvert and being so does come with many advantages. Highly recommend reading it if you're an introvert but haven't given it much thought.
No, it wasn't related to the Myers-Briggs personality types. It was more of a self-help book geared for introverts. God, this is going to bother me for a while.
Thanks for the help, though!
EDIT: Ah-hah - found it. The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney.
If it means anything, this isn't abnormal - or perhaps it is, but I'll get to that.
Part of the reason I cheat really isn't about the sex, it's about the power derived from it - knowing that the mom I was with chose to be with me instead of her husband or her children. I think what I truly adore is taking something beautiful - vows, a mother's love, and destroying it simply because I can.
As I write this, I'm sitting in a small apartment that I use as an office in one of my properties. One of my lovers is asleep in bed after a night of fucking. I'm about to go to the gym. When I come back to the office, odds are she will have made me breakfast - it can be a good life sometimes.
Last night I choked her with a necktie as I fucked her ass - and then we held each other lovingly as we both drifted to sleep. I treated her like a whore and a painslut. I gave her what her goofy loser husband never could. But before we slept, she was showing me some pictures of her last overseas business trip with her husband and children. And I got to see her smiling husband and smiling teenage child and briefly wondered if the child would go to college and become a dirty painslut like her mother.
Because, you see, I like to win too, and I always win. You and I may be cut from the some cloth. You may get off on knowing that you are desired above all others. Is it normal? No, not to 98% of the population... but you may be different like me. So I wouldn't worry that much. It may be normal for people like us.
Read ["The Sociopath Next Door"] (http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828) it may open your eyes to your true potential in life.
It actually does sound like you're dealing with sociopaths, just less stereotypically competent ones (not everyone can be a brilliant, suave, evil genius after all). An excellent book on the topic I'd suggest is The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. About 5% is normal, even in the general population.
I’ve been in a similar situation with my parents (very toxic). I cut them off for a while as protection which is very different than a perceived moral shunning. To shun someone because they are gay or an act in privacy is not hurting someone. The irony is that shunning usually targets very loving people. There is a great book I suggest called Emotional Blackmail. I highly suggest reading to help sort things out and understand the difference between having to protect yourself from shunning do to a difference in thought. Good luck!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_fLlsDb0MNQXDS
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I found Toxic Parents to be very useful in my own journey.
Also, by Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail is quite good and helped me get out of the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in.
Okay, so the dancing and grinding thing? Cheating isn't something you can look up in the dictionary. "Cheating" is defined differently in every relationship. Some people consider flirting with other people cheating, and some people don't consider having sex with other people cheating. If you haven't discussed your individual boundaries with your girlfriend you should.
Anyway, it sounds like you're seriously questioning whether you want to continue a long-term relationship with this person. Have you talked much to her about the issues you're having? Specifically telling her what you want and need and feel is really important in an adult relationship (which is what yours is starting to turn into). You two need to learn to communicate better - her getting "fake mad" (whatever that means) and refusing to talk to you is unacceptable. Try reading some books like Nonviolent Communication.
Let her know you that these issues you're having are starting to lead you to consider whether your relationship is worth it. She deserves to know what you're thinking.
To boost strengths? Basically anything by Ayn Rand or Friedrich Nietzsche
To shore up weaknesses? Nonviolent Communication
Also, if you want all of the good stuff from the self-help category of books with none of the bullshit, read this one: The Happiness Hypothesis
How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:
Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.
Mom might have some mental health issues going on, but it's important to understand that it isn't (never was, never will be) your fault.
At your age, this book might be a little heavy for you, but please find someone to speak with about it. You don't want to hold resentment which will affect your life and health - best to purge it and get your life healthy and on track so that you can have a bright future, with or without her. There are plenty of places that you can go to talk to someone - try Kids Help Phone (if you're in Canada) 1-800-668-6868 - anonymous, free and non-judgmental.
https://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
> Maybe tiger momming works okay for hapa daughters but not for hapa sons?
 
As the daughter of a malignant Tiger Mom, I can assure you that tiger momming is absolutely damaging and crushing. The effects last a lifetime. Remember, we occasionally see posts appearing on this sub by WMAF daughters who have severe issues stemming from their abusive mothers. Saying Hapa daughters are just fine is the equivalent of WM Hapa papas insisting that they know "loads of Hapa kids" who have no issues whatsoever. You can't tell what's really going on with anyone psychologically unless they reveal the details themselves.
Arguably, Tiger Moms either have narcissistic traits or the full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Mental health professionals agree that daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. There is an abundance of healing guides for daughters of narcissistic mothers--like this one--and comparatively few addressing the sons. Perhaps daughters of Tiger Moms are more likely to get professional help and/or seek out supportive network of friends?
 
> Females have intrinsic social value, so even if they have no social skills
> there is still desire for their attention, which would elevate their self esteem.
 
Attracting bottom-of-the-barrel white guys or white nationalists (the pattern is the same for HF as it is for AF) is not flattering! In my case, it only lowered my self-esteem.
Are YOU an asshole? Doesn't sound like it.
Look, your mother is playing a game where all the odds are stacked in her favor and you can never win. Her objective is to make you THINK that you're the one with the problem, but if you read your story and it was about someone else, who would you identify as the one who is causing the problems?
Let go of the guilt. If you didn't hate and resent her for the way she treats you, you'd be a masochist.
Read this book http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436. Maybe it will help you let go of feeling responsible for what isn't your responsibility.
I hope I am not too late.
You can post this to /r/suicidewatch.
Here is my half-baked attempt at providing you with some answers.
First of all let's see, what is the problem? Money and women. This sounds rather stereotypical but it became a stereotype because a lot of people had this kind of problems. So if you are bad at money and at women, join the club, everybody sucks at this.
Now, there are a few strategies of coping with this. I can tell you what worked for me and perhaps that will help you too.
I guess if there is only one thing that I would change in your attitude that would improve anything is learning the fact that "there is more where that came from". This is really important in girl problems and in money problems.
When you are speaking with a girl, I noticed that early on, men tend to start being very submissive and immature in a way. They start to offer her all the decision power because they are afraid not to lose her. This is a somehow normal response but it affects the relationship negatively. She sees you as lacking power and confidence and she shall grow cold. So here lies the strange balance between good and bad: you have to be powerful but also warm and magnanimous. You can only do this by experimenting without fearing the results of your actions. Even if the worst comes to happen, and she breaks up with you .... you'll always get a better option. There are 3.5 billion ladies on the planet. The statistics are skewed in your favor.
Now for the money issue. Again, there is more where that came from. The money, are a relatively recent invention. Our society is built upon them but we survived for 3 million years without them. The thing you need to learn is that your survival isn't directly related to money. You can always get food, shelter and a lot of other stuff for free. You won't live the good life, but you won't die. So why the anxiety then?
Question: It seems to me you are talking out of your ass. How do I put into practice this in order to get a girlfriend?
Answer: Talk to people. Male and female. Make the following your goals:
Talk to 1 girl each day for one month.
Meet a few friends each 3 days.
Make a new friend each two weeks.
Post your romantic encounters in /r/seduction.
This activities will add up after some time and you will have enough social skill to attract a female. You will understand what your female friend is thinking. Don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out.
Question: The above doesn't give a lot of practical advice on getting money. I want more of that. How do I get it?
Answer: To give you money people need to care about you. People only care about you when you care about them. This is why you need to do the following:
Start solving hard problems.
Start helping people.
Problems aren't only school problems. They refer to anything: start learning a new difficult subject (for example start learning physics or start playing an instrument or start writing a novel). Take up a really difficult project that is just above the verge of what you think you are able to do. Helping people is something more difficult and personal. You can work for charity, help your family members around the house and other similar.
Question: I don't understand. I have problems and you are asking me to work for charity, donate money? How can giving money solve anything?
Answer: If you don't give, how can you receive? Helping others is instilling a sense of purpose in a very strange way. You become superior to others by helping them in a dispassionate way.
Question: I feel like I am going to cry, you are making fun of me!
Answer: Not entirely untrue. But this is not the problem. The problem is that you are taking yourself too serious. We all are, and I have similar problems. The true mark of a person of genius is to laugh at himself. Cultivate your sense of humor in any manner you can.
Question: What does it matter then if I choose to kill myself?
Answer: There is this really good anecdote about Thales of Miletus (search wiki). He was preaching that there is no difference between life and death. His friends asked him: If there is no difference, why don't you kill yourself. At this, he instantly answered: I don't kill myself because there is no difference.
Question: Even if I would like to change and do the things you want me to do, human nature is faulty. It is certain that I would have relapses. How do I snap out of it?
Answer: There are five habits that you should instill that will keep bad emotions away. Either of this habits has its own benefits and drawbacks:
Question: Your post seems somewhat interesting but more in an intriguing kind of way. I would like to know more.
Answer: There are a few good books on these subjects. I don't expect you to read all of them, but consider them at least.
For general mental change over I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795853&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Generous-Man-Helping-Others-Sexiest/dp/1560257288
For girl issues I recommend the following book. This will open up a whole bag of worms and you will have an entire literature to pick from. This is not going to be easy. Remember though, difficult is good for you.
http://www.amazon.com/GAME-UNDERCOVER-SOCIETY-PICK-UP-ARTISTS/dp/1841957518/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795664&sr=8-1 (lately it is popular to dish this book for a number of reasons. Read it and decide for yourself. There is a lot of truth in it)
Regarding money problem, the first thing is to learn to solve problems. The following is the best in my opinion
http://www.amazon.com/How-Solve-Mathematical-Princeton-Science/dp/069111966X
The second thing about money is to understand why our culture seems wrong and you don't seem to have enough. This will make you a bit more comfortable when you don't have money.
http://www.amazon.com/Story-B-Daniel-Quinn/dp/0553379011/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795746&sr=8-3 (this one has a prequel called Ishmael. which people usually like better. This one is more to my liking.)
For mental contemplation there are two recommendations:
http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html . This one is for meditation purposes.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Pilgrim-Continues-His/dp/0060630175 . This one is if you want to learn how to pray. I am an orthodox Christian and this is what worked for me. I cannot recommend things I didn't try.
For exercising I found bodyweight exercising to be one of the best for me. I will recommend only from this area. Of course, you can take up weights or whatever.
http://www.amazon.com/Convict-Conditioning-Weakness-Survival-Strength/dp/0938045768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324795875&sr=8-1 (this is what I use and I am rather happy with it. A lot of people recommend this one instead: http://www.rosstraining.com/nevergymless.html )
Regarding friends, the following is the best bang for your bucks:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324796461&sr=8-1 (again, lots of criticism, but lots of praise too)
The rest of the points are addressed in the above books. I haven't given any book on financial advices. Once you know how to solve problems and use google and try to help people money will start coming, don't worry.
I hope this post helps you, even though it is a bit long and cynical.
Merry Christmas!
the biggest convo thing I got from the Game was conversational hooks- things in a conversation that you can hook on to to branch out on.
If someone tells you "I just got back from studying in Australia" you've got 2 main hooks: study and Australia and from there you can get what'd you study? Why Australia to study? What's Australia like? How'd you ever get the courage to pick up and leave? Did you learn to surf? How'd you like vegemite? Some of those were closed ended questions but from them you might be able to get more hooks.
Also check out How To Win Friends and Influence People Lots of good tips for maintaining conversations. At the very least it made me less of an abrasive dick. Also you'll find getting hooks easier if you can find a common interest and then just ask them questions you want to know on the subject or use your knowledge on the subject to ask questions.
After reading through some of your comment history, I find myself thinking that one of your main obstacles is one I've encountered myself as well: While you may indeed have a high IQ, that does not necessarily equate to high intelligence across the intelligence spectrum. Please don't take this the wrong way, but while you seem to be very aware of your own skills and the areas in which you excel, you do not appear similarly apt at identifying the areas where you are not the top honcho. And more than anything, you need to try framing your arguments, your humor, and your writing within other people's frame of reference.
In general, people have an easier time identifying with and understanding any argument that is framed in a way they are familiar with, and ideally in a way they would also frame it. From your posts, I see that you are a fan of both grandiose words and active debate, but both of those things are something many people shy away from. Being able to identify with an audience is the reason why Eddie Murphy is considered hilarious rather than disgusting when he conveys how when someone says "aw man, someone farted and that does not smell good", people "always" take a deep breath through their nose even though they know it will (literally) smell like shit.
If you wish to write comedy and posts that more people identify with, there are two things I would personally reccommend:
But hey, what do I know -- I'm just some guy on the internet.
I'm almost done ranting now, but before that, I'd really like to press that being social, understandable and accommodating in your presentation is really fucking difficult, and more often than not, I find it the norm that people find this difficult. And when I say people, I mean everyone. Making an effort to systematically learn to encounter people, both socially and in seeking debate, does not make you stupid or slow, it only goes to show that you're aware that it's not easy, and some times a lot of effort needs to go in to making something you want work.
Edit: If what I said made any sense to you, you should seriously consider reading this book. It's been a lot of help to a lot of people, and besides that, it's just really good.
Forget technical skills. You can easily enough learn technical skills on the job. Learn some people skills
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344437047&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-10th-Anniversary-Matter/dp/055380491X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344437033&sr=1-1&keywords=emotional+intelligence
This guy
Here are some of my favorites, classics and modern:
The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson. We know we need to eat right, exercise, work hard, etc., but why don't we? The Slight Edge is a great look at the way we go about setting our habits, living in a hyper-paced world that expects/demands immediate results. It's quick, and powerful.
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. A classic, but well-deserving, and has stood the test of time. Become accepting of people by improving your self and your interpersonal interactions. True story, bro.
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. From dependence, to independence, to interdependence!
True North, by Bill George. More a leadership development book, but good to look at in terms of the timeline of developing yourself in life before you're 50 and are disappointed at yourself. Very good, not as great as my first three recommendations, but I got some good lessons out of it.
Godspeed, autodidact.
I would start by reading. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1439167346/ref=redir_mdp_mobile
He's got an anxious attachment style (read about attachment theory! I think it will shine some light on your marriage). It's hard to reconcile these differences but it starts with him taking responsibility for his feelings and not putting them on you. Then, you seeing that this is part and parcel of who he is, and there are things you can do to ease his worries and get the freedom you want. This is a super accessible read if you want to dive into attachment theory and what you can do about it.
I mean...yes! I think we’re in a real moment where people perform a certain kind of ease that isn’t really true. You scroll through social media and it can seem like everybody’s just breezin’ through their life without a care in the world but I would venture to say (and my reporting confirms) that people feel a LOT of anxiety and exhaustion with their social interactions. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the social things you have in your life, my advice would be to really evaluate and interrogate where that feeling is coming from. Have you given yourself the time to recharge? Are you participating in social activities that nourish you? Is there a way to hang with your friend one-on-one instead of going to the big party, if that stresses you out? My advice is to really evaluate the specific things that stress you out and exhaust you, and to not be afraid to opt out or change the dynamic of your social life so that it feels less oppressive. One book that I think could be a good read for you is Quiet: The Power of Introverts In a World That Can’t Stop Talking! I know it has helped many of my friends who were struggling to put words on their similar feelings of exhaustion. — Julia
I just want to point something out real quick both for OP and everyone replying. Introversion is simply a way of managing social energy and processing information internally vs. externally. It is not synonymous with anxiety, depression, and lack of social skills.
For those issues, OP, I do suggest you get help. Talk to someone professional, whom you are paying to unload your junk on. They can help you get a different perspective on things and build social skills. They can also prescribe you medication if necessary for any biochemical contributors to your depression. I say all this because I've been there. Being depressed sucks, especially when you don't have friends. Medication for a time helped.
As far as being an introvert, I would say congratulations - I'm one too! If you haven't yet, try out the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. It can help you realize more information about yourself - how you process information, make decisions, your priorities, etc. It was very helpful for me. Also check out Introverts in the Church by Adam McHugh and Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.
Check out Susan Cain's book Quiet. If anything, it may make you feel a little more vindicated for being who you are.
With that, yes, the world is pretty well built around extroverts at the moment, but it is navigable if you have the tools. I recommend finding a therapist, not just for developing tools for your introversion, but also to maybe get some help with your social anxiety. If you can't afford one, and can't find a sliding scale one, a friend of mine with bipolar disorder highly recommended this book for developing some basic CBT therapies for navigating whatever kind of anxiety you have.
Pretty sure "antisocial" is a personality disorder with a legitimate psychiatric diagnosis, while "introvert" is more of a personality type that's less defined.
greatest book I read last year: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, very nice last minute Christmas gift for the introverts in your life
the author even built a retreat based around the introvert concept! This was me when I read that article
Reading the book Quiet, by Susan Cain really helped me learn about, understand, and accept myself as an introvert. It was so helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Honestly, this is why I place importance on finding ways to be happy on my own without the need for physical strength like producing music or reading and learning something new, writing, meditation or any other artform along those lines. I feel like there are still many ways to live a happy life even if you aren't physically able to rock climb.
This is a great book if anyone is interested... https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I'm an INFP as well and have gone through a situation that was very similar to what you are describing. It sounds like you're emotionally exhausted.
Like any kind of exhaustion you need to rest. And if everyday you are exhausted, then you need to make time to rest each day.
I have found that it is necessary for me to have time alone, away from everybody, to recharge those "feeling" batteries. That plus ensuring I have a full restful night's sleep. Whenever I notice that I'm feeling sad, as an almost default emotion, there's a 99% chance I haven't been getting enough sleep, and/or I haven't had enough time to myself.
It's really important to make this resting time a priority. I know that's the hard part because INFP's instinctively want to help others. Sometimes we give too much and we feel selfish taking time for ourselves. We need to take time for ourselves so that we can recharge. Once we recharge we can give our attention to others, but if we give too much then we become exhausted.
I found this book, 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking' by Susan Cain (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0307352153/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497698234&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=quiet+the+power+of+introverts+in+a+world+that+can%27t+stop+talking&dpPl=1&dpID=517rtAtrHzL&ref=plSrch) very helpful.
I also found seeing a therapist helped me better understand myself. Maybe that would help you too.
I hope this helps.
It's from this book: https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754/
The Man who Mistook his Wife for a Hat By Oliver Sacks is an amazing book about odd neurological disorders and what they do to people. It is a fascinating, well-written book that was very easy to read.
Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain By Oliver Sacks is another very interesting book about how music affects the brain.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is another good book that'll make you a bit more observant of people.
The Art of War is always a classic, good, and informative read.
Those have been my favorite. I have a friend who suggest The Tipping Point is a really good book, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.
Hope that helped.
Edit: Me grammar wrongs
Not sure if you're only looking for fiction or an entertaining read, but here are some "self help" books which have blown my mind and have had a huge impact on my life for the better. I wouldn't personally call them "self help" books, but rather, books for everyone seeking to improve themselves and learn how to make a happier life for themselves and others. Please don't be put off by the nature of these "self help" books - a few years ago I was of the belief that these were only for social retards and people with psychological issues, but I've since learned that these books can pretty much improve the life of anyone in the world in some way. Some of the things I learned in these books were so profound I had to put the book down in shock just to process it all.
Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman
This shows how everyone (including yourself) will always see the world subjectively according to their own personal experiences and bias - whether being conscious of it or not. It'll really show you how to read more into interpersonal relations and develop a far better insight into how people (and perhaps even you) think mentally. Of course it's human nature for people to think they're perfectly rational, but this book shows how to recognise how people will subconsciously deceive themselves into seeing the world as the mind wants to see it.
The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease
As the title suggests, this shows you how to read into body language. This really blew my mind - with this you will learn how to read FAR more into people and more effectively project desired attitudes of your own onto others. This will teach you things that most people are totally oblivious to, and yet, by understanding body language you will be able to tell so much more about people from it - this has taught me how to find out what people are actually thinking.
How to Argue & Win Every Time by Gerry Spence
Don't be fooled by the title - this book is not so much about arguing as it is about getting what you want with people and in life. Written by one of the world's best trial lawyers, it'll teach you how to more effectively communicate and connect with others in order to get what you and others want. At first I was averse to reading anything from a lawyer, but he really surprised me on this one - it was a hugely entertaining read and his words were some of the wisest I've ever read.
Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer
This will teach you how to be funny! Of course, this sounds stupid and one might think that this kind of thing can't be learned, but I promise you that no matter who you are, if you read this you'll become a far more interesting person.
I don't know if these were the kind of books that you were looking for, but I hope this comes to some help to at least one Redditor out there. It's just that all of these books have greatly improved my life, and I wish I could have found these earlier. Plus it'd be nice if people would give more heartfelt suggestions on where to find more books like these - hope this helps =)
No it's not. I took great interest in it a few years ago. Within 10 years, there will be face recognition, and body analyzation software that will be able to tell how you feel, or what you're about to do before you do it.
Did you know that globally across the world, there are specific facial gestures that represent emotion? This instinctively tells us that these are born with these. It's inherent, not taught/learned.
I definitely think the doc posted here is amplified in bullshitness for viewing, but it's no pseudo science.
Check out this book on amazon if you're interested.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
and this one by former FBI agent Joe Navarro
https://www.google.com/search?q=fbi+agent+body+language+book&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8
After reading the book and apply principles, it's no psuedo science. I took great interest is just watching people in every day situations as well as experiences with me included.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
You do have this magical social instinct. You're posting online.
If you didn't have it, you wouldn't be asking because you wouldn't even be able to conceptualize it. You'd probably be institutionalized, in fact. Not just a brief spell, either.
If you didn't have a social instinct, you wouldn't understand anything. You wouldn't be able to read because you wouldn't give a shit why everyone cared so much about some stupid squiggles. You wouldn't be able to drive because you'd literally slam into the tailend of someone stopping for some kids crossing up the road and get your license taken away.
You may have worse social instincts than most, but you can work on that. Also, introvert/extrovert is a thing. This is a nice book.
Good luck.
> I was always embarassed to talk about my feelings
I'm one of the older INTP's here I think... 42m.
There are multiple issues at work here.
The feelings / behavior you're describing is classic introvert stuff.
There's a really common misconception that introverted means shy or socially awkward or anti-social, but it's really not that way at all. Introverts can be, and often are, more social than extroverts.. it's just that we're wired differently and will have more aptitude for socialising in different formats than todays popular customs.
There's loads of books which I'm sure you'd find invaluable, but /r/introvert is probably a better place to start.. the discussion there might be a little intense for the moment but I think you will find the sidebar full of useful interesting stuff.
Reading the book I linked above was a particularly enjoyable experience for me. It basically made me a lot more comfortable in my own skin.. I don't mean less anxious or whatever.. I just mean that I realised I'd kindof been taught that certain desires (like a desire for solitude) was somehow wrong, but after learning more about what it means to be an introvert I learned to embrace that part of myself. It was very rewarding.
Go google the history of our leaders regarding "Cult of Personality" vs "Cult of Character".
Also, go read (or get at your library/audible) Quiet: The Power Of Introverts.
Regarding your introversion, I highly recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Susan Cain, the author, is an HLS grad and gives her story of what it was like being an introvert as a corporate attorney.
It's not a negative thing if the scriptures are anything to go by -- I'd guess that most prophets were introverts because we're naturally better at introspection and meditative thought. King David was certainly an introvert. Moses couldn't even speak to the host of Israel without a spokesperson present because of his shyness. The First Vision happened because Joseph had an introspective moment.
We live in an extroverted society, though, so it's necessary sometimes to go outside of our comfort zones. The thing that helped me was realizing that it's 100% okay to be an introvert, and that we have skills that extroverts don't have. Introverts are naturally better at deep conversations and meaningful insights. We're more attuned to people's feelings and needs.
Let the extroverts greet people at the door, you should do what you're good at and what God built you for -- listening to people and having those meaningful and personal conversations that help us just as much as small talk and friendly greetings.
This book helped me as a missionary to realize more about my nature and how it's actually crazy advantageous in a lot of ways.
Yes, I can so relate to this. Good post. I was raised to be that way too-- speak only when spoken to, don't argue or talk back, be flexible and accommodating, keep private matters private. I would go so far as to say that my lack of assertiveness, guilt in wanting simple things (like respect) for myself, and questioning my instincts made my marriage/divorce drag on much longer than it should have; years beyond when I knew that it wasn't going to work out. Part of it was being very young but I would say I could have moved on and moved forward much faster if I had stood up for myself and had more confidence in my decisions (and if my family had supported me-- but that's another topic). Hopefully others won't have that extreme an experience.
In the workplace, practicing and faking it till you make it works for me, maybe it could work for you. You might feel like an impostor, but trust me, everyone feels like that to some extent. Try to figure out what it is that will make you more confident in those situations and work on that. For me, it's usually knowing about something inside and out so that I can speak confidently about it. True Desi nerd style! I still struggle with asking for things I want sometimes. It still feels really selfish, which I don't think will ever go away completely.
Some books that helped me: Quiet and of course Lean In. As others mentioned, therapy can work too in finding practical solutions to specific problems you might have. It's not just you :)
If you've ever wanted to understand introversion, I'm finishing the most amazing book right now.
It's called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Read this book: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
It won’t tell you how to talk but may give you a different perspective on yourself. I found it very insightful.
rereading this book feels so much more real and helpful now that i'm graduating than it did three years ago. would highly recommend it to anyone about to graduate college
I feel this exact same way. Now that my future isn't set in stone of "Get married and make babies" and I can think and pick for myself, I have NO idea what I want to do. I know I do still like the idea of getting married one day, and I know that I do NOT want kids, but I have no idea what to do instead. I have no idea who I am.
I'd recommend reading "The Defining Decade".
http://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter--/dp/0446561754/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420754557&sr=8-1&keywords=the+defining+decade
It's about "making your twenties matter" and figuring out who you are, but I think it's very motivational and inspiring and extremely helpful for anyone in an identity crisis regardless of age. I spent a few weeks the last month crying because I absolutely have no clue what to do with the rest of my life. I very literally don't know how to think for myself, and this book is changing that, slowly but surely.
The Definitive Book of Body Language
Really taught me a lot about how people interact, and made me much more socially aware. Easy read, and very interesting.
Sometimes its feet too... you usually point your feet towards something you like or something you want. Body language doesn't lie.
And yes, there are a lot of hoaky stupid books/sites about body language but if you find one that was written by someone credible the info is really awesome. I liked The Definitive Book of Body Language
http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1
Body Language by allan pease, who's basically written a lot of standardized text on the matter.
http://www.paulekman.com/publications/recentbooks/
Paul Ekman and his FACS, METT, and SETT programs/methods.
Between these two authors you basically have everything you need to decode larger body language and finer subtleties of of facial movement.
The Definitive Book of Body Language
If you say hi to a woman on the street and she says "fuck off," then she's a jerk. If you say hi to a lot of women and they all give you the cold shoulder, it's possible you are being creepier than you intend. There are subtle body cues to tell if a person is interested in talking to you. If a woman has her head stuck in a newspaper or cell phone, or if she's walking forward very intently, then she's not interested. Don't even bother saying hello. If she's sitting down and her feet are pointed in your direction and she smiles at you, then maybe go for it. Some men would get rejected a lot less often if they only hit on women they had a chance with.
This book changed my life, although it is a bit gender essentialist. I would recommend it if you believe you have trouble interacting with people.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
That's a really good one. I also read How to talk to anyone which is along the same lines.
The book that started my FA awareness and journey of self improvement was No more mr nice guy
There's an excellent book called Crucial Conversations which covers this topic superbly well. There are a lot of very predictable patterns which typically block conversation, and there are some techniques that most people can learn to overcome them. Very useful for business and personal life.
Crucial Conversations
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328
A Seat at the Table: IT Leadership in the Age of Agility
https://www.amazon.com/Seat-Table-Leadership-Age-Agility/dp/1942788118
Soft Skills
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1617292397
Trust
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/184046531X
There is a book called Crucial Conversations that I highly recommend.
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second-dp-0071771328/dp/0071771328/ref=mt_paperback?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=
It should give you ways to respond to her that aren't either ignore or snap.
You could also try saying something like "It makes me uncomfortable when you comment on my appearance. I would appreciate it if you could stop doing that."
Same with the candy "Susan, could you please not go into my desk anymore."
It sounds like you’re already doing well, but this book comes to mind. It’s a good read.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_t5d7Cb35X0MDF
Would you consider yourself to have some introverted tendencies? For a while I correlated confidence with being an extrovert, but Quiet really helped me realize that people don't all have to conform to one type of personality to be accepted by others. I found that I'm much more confident when I'm playing to my strengths and aware of what weaknesses I have. Some social situations are difficult for me, like going to a party full of people I don't know. If there's a friend of mine that can introduce me, or if I can bring one extroverted friend along I'm much more comfortable and can socialize better.
Hope this helps.
Not the best read, but this book discusses some of the benefits/drawbacks.
More modern society--Dale Carnegy-esque networking and less static communities/networks of people-- likely has shifted at least public opinion to prefer extroversion.
It is becoming more accepting and understood by psychologist and society as a whole that these differences is real. The innate personality that defines either introvert or extrovert is hard to ignore.
This book should get you the answers your looking for:
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I would also add to this, that her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking is also a thoroughly good read.
In the book, "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking," Susan Cain tackles this question in depth in chapter 8, "Asian-Americans and the Extrovert Ideal."
The short answer, from what I understood of the book, is yes. Different cultures value different things, and introversion/extroversion is one of those things.
did you talk to each other about opening your relationship at all?
It's not the answer for everyone, but if sex is of such low value to you personally, and is of high value for him, it's a potential way to structure your relationship that keeps you both happy.
If you are at all interested, I suggest you both read The Ethical Slut together.
Good luck!
To sound like a bot - I really suggest you all read the BASIC FAQ and INTRO stuff at www.morethantwo.com
And if you're into books, some options include:
Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida. This is just one of those books that is always relevant, no matter what you're facing. I can consistently flip to any random page in this book, read for a few paragraphs, and find complete and shattering truth that is relevant to whatever I am dealing with at the time.
I'm fairly certain I've purchased this book about 7 times because people keep borrowing it and finding it mind-blowing - so I just let them keep it and buy another copy for myself.
Here's an amazon link for anybody interested: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591792576
Read the description before you jump to the conclusion that this book is anti-woman... It couldn't be further from the truth.
A must own for anybody in a committed relationship.
The psychopath will try to manipulate the INTJ like they do everyone else. The INTJ will be too self-absorbed and/or uninterested, and brush aside the psychopath with a lot of "no's" and "that's nice" (LOL). The psychopath will get angry and frustrated. The INTJ at this point will still not know they're dealing with a psychopath. They just think this person is perhaps a little strange.
If the INTJ is lucky it will end there. These psychopath "things" are unbelievable. Horrific. They are like viruses or alien beings. If the INTJ is unlucky (if they are in a vulnerable position, are weak, or insecure) the psychopath will devastate their lives. A lot of people who are psychopath victims will suffer lasting psychological trauma and deteriorate physically. They are so good at mimicking humans it can take years to detect one.
Here are some books I recommend from best to least best (they are all good):
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467947734&sr=8-1&keywords=martha+stout
https://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467947736&sr=8-1&keywords=psychopath+hare
https://www.amazon.com/Mask-Sanity-So-Called-Psychopathic-Personality/dp/1614277826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467947784&sr=8-1&keywords=mask+of+sanity+cleckley
Yeps. Staying single is going to be the best option. Try to find happiness inside yourself. It helps you a lot through life.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that to get to that point. There's a psychopath.free website in case you're interested. I'm really, really sorry.
I hope at least you are cleared of the infection now and physically healthy. It's a good idea to build yourself up first. But, as a part of the build-up, I recommend you to read this:
Website (wonderful):
https://www.psychopathfree.com/
Books:
https://www.amazon.es/Psychopath-Free-Emotionally-Relationships-Narcissists/dp/0425279995/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=581FVXY7XHNKKZ253RSN
https://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510
https://www.amazon.es/Sociopath-Next-Door-Ruthless-versus/dp/0767915828/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=N54Z9CMYAWS29Z7Z85CB
https://www.amazon.es/Empathy-Trap-Understanding-Antisocial-Personalities/dp/1847092764/ref=pd_sim_14_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=N54Z9CMYAWS29Z7Z85CB
Sorry if I am meddling. I hope you get better, and I hope at least your body is OK now. I really wish you a good return to physical and emotional health. And yes, best thing you can do is learn to live on your own and be happy that way. Maybe when you get to that point someone worthy will appear but... don't count on it. Not everyone is worthy, not everyone is marriage-material, or even long term relationship material, so not everyone can get a married happy-ever after. BUT, everyone can get a happy-ever after if they focus on getting it without depending on other people's decisions.
Definitely red flags all over the place.
Read the book: the sociopath next door
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=mp_s_a_1_1/140-5850095-7001116?ie=UTF8&qid=1541522199&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=the+sociopath+next+door&dpPl=1&dpID=51DK1joLPxL&ref=plSrch
In it, the author says the #1 thing to look for is someone who wants you to pity them!!
Sounds like this guy has you sticking around out of pity! That’s dangerous. Plus, you are compliant to him: he is looking for that (whether consciously or unconsciously).
You said it back to him “I love you as much as I can right now”.
He knows he can set the pace and you will just follow along with it. That is also dangerous!
From reading your story, it sounds like all he has to do is tell you another sad story, and you’ll stick around to “rescue “ him and help him feel better.
I can’t say he is a sociopath, I’m just saying he sounds like bad news bears !
Be careful! Remember that he can say whatever he wants to say, and you can choose how you feel about him, .... don’t do anything out of pity or guilt for him, because a healthy relationship is never driven by these two emotions. Whether he is dangerous or not, you don’t want to base any relationship on these two emotions.
This doesn’t sound like a good relationship to me, whether or not he is dangerous. Also, you said he doesn’t seem to have many friends, and hasn’t dated in a While .... well, why is that? Sounds like he doesn’t know how to cultivate healthy relationships. Also sounds like he has a victim mentality which is sooooo unattractive. I wouldn’t stick around for whatever he is going to do next.
If you are looking for a line to get out, just say, “I wish you luck in your relationships and your future endeavors, but I’m no longer available to hang out. “
You don’t need to tell him why. You don’t owe him an explanation.
Edit: also, you said you feel something is off about this guy. Pay attention to your instincts! It sounds like something is off.
For you first attempt at animation, I thing you did a great job! Definitely a good start.
The storytelling is a bit unclear, it took me a few views to understand exactly what was going on. The main reason it was unclear to me is because up until the end, I didn't really know where the characters were in relationship to one another. A couple ways you could fix this is to have a background in each shot to show where they are in the environment and have a few shot where you see both characters in frame at the same time to show how close/far they are from each other. I would also have an establishing shot at the beginning to show where the story is taking place. I think you are also missing a few key storytelling shots at the beginning that would help clarify that the characters are playing hide and seek. I think you need to show the beginning of the game, where the boy character would be counting and the girl character is starting to hide.
In terms of the animation, I think the constantly changing line color is distracting. I would try to keep it to one color throughout. You could have the boy and girl have different colors, but I wouldn't keep those colors consistent in each shot. I like the loose/rough quality of your drawings, but I think you need to pay more attention to the volume and form of your characters. Your timing and spacing in the animation is quite even as well. Meaning, it looks like everything is moving at the same speed and it is hard to distinguish between fast and slow movements. Timing and spacing are hard to get right, even for people who have been animating for a long time. The only way to improve these skills are to keep animating!
For your first animation, I think you did really well, the more you animate the more you will improve. I think you chose a really complex subject for this animation and suggest you start with some easier animation tests moving forward. I would start off with learning the 12 animation principles and animating some basic stuff like bouncing balls, pendulums, falling leaves, etc. I would recommend buying these books: Animator's Survival Kit and Eric Goldburg's Character Animation Crash Course. You also might want to look in to using software that is designed for animation. It will probably make it easier to see the animation as your working on it instead of exporting out images and putting them together in movie maker. You should check out PAP4, its a simple animation program that is free to download/use.
As far as applying to CalArts, I would really focus on creating a great portfolio with solid life drawing. CalArts wants to see that their prospective students already have solid drawing skills so that you can hit the ground running when you start classes. I would see about taking some local life drawing classes/workshops where you live so you can build up a solid portfolio. While they like to see students with previous experience animating, the portfolio is much more important to getting accepted there. You should check out AnimatedBuzz, its a social community for animators. There are a lot of prospective CalArts students on there who post their work on the forums to get feedback.
Hope this helps. Good luck to you and keep animating :)
First of all r/sfm
A Steam group
Valve official tutorials
These 5 beautiful people:
Zachariah Scott
Jimer Lins
Argodaemon
Thomas Larson (outdated maybe?)
12 principles of animation
Posing
Not SFM but still works
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators (This includes the 12 principles of animation of course) If you want to go this far.
Have you thumbnailed your concept out on paper across several small thumbnails first? It's a lot less intimidating and you'll be less tempted to get caught up in details or such at that stage. Once you have a set of thumbnails for your animation idea, then you can redraw those thumbnails and then start working on getting those set together on their individual key frames and see how it appears. If there isn't enough transition between frames to make it look right, then go back and start drawing the in between frames based on the one before and after. This allows you to go from an overall concept for your animation with quick thumbnailing and then refining into details. We had done animatics back when I was in college and we just had a sheet with small 3 inch thumbnail squares to draw into and were told to write a few lines next to each of them on what was happening at this point of the animation.
For example, I had done a silly training scenario animatic for my class back then and started off with thumbnails, then scanned them and redrew them onto flash frames. Then, added the in between frames to get this silly animatic prototype for my concept and in fairly short time.https://www.deviantart.com/sykotifachan/art/Animatic-Complete-146822334
Also, a good recommendation on animation study material:
https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/
I'm not an animator, it was more a hobby for me, but I studied alongside and worked with animators and this was often used for their studies.
Source: Current storyboard artist, former animator. I also used to teach animation to kids 5-15.
Here's what I would do if I were you. Buy a bunch of blank flipbooks, a 9x12" sketchbook, and this book, Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams: http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=
Every time it mentions an exercise (such as a bouncing ball), do the exercise. Make the bouncing ball a basketball, a character's head, whatever will make it fun for you.
Also, practice drawing a LOT. Go to life drawing classes. Draw buildings and trees. Draw objects and hands holding objects. Pay attention to form, but also light. Practice drawing your favorite animated characters, but after you've copied a few poses, make sure you're picturing them in 3D and paying attention to proportions. Try to draw them in a pose you've never seen them in.
I've noticed a lot of high schoolers in particular worried about drawing/animation style—which style is correct, which should they draw in, how do they develop their own style. Don't worry about this, your own drawing style will come out naturally as you draw more and more the way you like. It's not terrible to try to imitate Disney, Miyazaki, or anyone else, but it's also not terrible to just do things your way. Try everything. Your style will come out based on how you LIKE to draw.
After you're comfortable with flipbooks and what they call "straight-ahead animation," you'll be ready (and dying to) get an animation peg bar, hole punch, and a light table. Or you can skip this and go to the computer if you want. I think it's important not to start out on the computer, though, as it will make you think like a computer (solid shapes, motion in straight lines) and it will be tougher to learn to animate organically. You'll have put yourself on a path to being a great motion-graphics-designer, but a tough path for an animator.
Don't worry about sound yet. In a real studio you wouldn't be recording the sound anyway. Once you feel comfortable animating and ready to get into characters talking, take a few lines from a movie and animate different characters over it.
PM me if you want more details or have questions about any of it.
Getting good at drawing is like getting in shape: sadly there's no easy way to do it other than to be disciplined and work hard at it every day. Enroll in a figure drawing class. Ask friends to sit for you for 2/5/10/20 minute poses. Draw from life as much as possible, anywhere. Go to a cafe and do a big panoramic spread of the whole room. Go to an art store and buy a bunch of different drawing materials; don't just draw with pencil. Get some pens, force yourself to draw without an eraser. Look at the masters like Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Ingres or contemporary artists like Alex Katz and David Hockney. Look at what techniques they're using with their figures, what kind of lines, how do they render volume. Copy from them and steal from them. Pick a new artist every week and try out drawing like them. The most important thing: draw all the time, draw everything you see. You won't get better unless you do it all the time. If you keep it up for even six months, you'll notice a big change, and it will make jumping into animation much easier (you'll know how to do perspective, pose characters, rotates volumes in your head, etc).
Here are a couple of animation specific drawing books that you might find useful/inspiring: Drawn to Life http://www.amazon.com/Drawn-Life-Classes-Stanchfield-Lectures/dp/0240810961/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1449817164&sr=1-1&keywords=drawn+from+life // The Animators Survival Kit (mostly an animation book, but opens with a great chapter about drawing) http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1449817420&sr=1-1&keywords=animation+survival+kit
I'm working on it. Therapy once a week, and I'm struggling to finish a degree that I've been working on for a while. Whenever I do good work in school, I self-sabotage. It's infuriating. But these support groups on Reddit help a lot.
I hope other people who have enabler parents realize that it's OK to be mad at them. Yeah, they were victims of abuse in a way too, but we deserved better. IDK if your DH or you ever want book recommendations on enabler moms, but I've left a trail of breadcrumbs with book excerpts in them through my posts:
The enabler bibliography is still a work in progress, but it's a great jumping off point for anyone else who is mad as hell at an enabler. I'll keep adding to it as I find more relevant books, essays, chapters, poems, etc.
>The whole problem is so simple and the solutions so seemingly easy, but I literally just cannot.
I have felt this way to a greater or lesser degree for most of my life, particularly for things related to self-care and personal motivation. Trying to willpower myself through doing those things, even if temporarily successful, usually didn't last and increased the feelings of self-loathing and ineptness/impotency. Low-level depression (made worse by some hormones) was the norm for me. I'd made strides in specific cases (learning to exercise was one), but several areas continue to be difficult for me.
BUT--I read a book that changed things for me hugely, just a few months ago. I read it because I've been trying to understand for years how to connect with my kids to have the happy, close, trusting, peaceful relationships as a family that are my dream. The obstacles I kept coming up against, over and over, were inside of me, and I needed to understand how to get past myself so we could all be happy!
I'd looked at books meant for adult kids of alcoholics, since some of the advice paralleled with areas I struggled in (like having good boundaries, making good friendships, even adulting in general), but it...just wasn't quite right, 'cause growing up, we didn't tiptoe around secrets or deny serious dysfunction or go without basic physical care. Still, there was something missing, and the missing "whatever" felt really, really tied to this inability to DO. To self-motivate. To take care of myself. To have ANYTHING to draw on inside me to give my kids an attentive, centered person to relate to.
Then I came across this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It basically outlines how your parents can provide a home with physical care, security, and affection, and still leave you feeling like you are lost and empty inside, even as an adult.
I have the book around here somewhere but I can't find it, so I hope you'll forgive me quoting some things from the amazon preview that are wordy but close to what I want to convey:
>"Growing up in a family with emotionally immature parents is a lonely experience. These parents may look and act perfectly normal, caring for their child’s physical health and providing meals and safety. However, if they don’t make a solid emotional connection with their child, the child will have a gaping hole where true security might have been. The loneliness of feeling unseen by others is as fundamental a pain as physical injury, but it doesn’t show on the outside…When the children of emotionally immature parents grow up, the core emptiness remains…
>"Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent. These children may learn to put other people’s needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own. Unfortunately, this tends to create even more loneliness, since covering up your deepest needs prevents genuine connection with others. [My note: So feeling like your own caretaking is undeserved, or putting yourself last on a visceral level is a part of this. Also, my dad was a controlling parent, and my motivation problems have root in the passive aggressive way I tried to resist being controlled in nearly every area of life, since outward defiance was so, so emotionally risky.] ...
>"Parents who are emotionally immature are so self-preoccupied that they don’t notice their children’s inner experiences. In addition, they discount feelings, and they fear emotional intimacy. They’re uncomfortable with their own emotional needs and therefore have no idea how to offer support at an emotional level. Such parents may even become nervous and angry if their children get upset, punishing them instead of comforting them. These reactions shut down children’s instinctive urge to reach out, closing the door to emotional contact…."
Anyway, I may be all wet, so I'm sorry if none of this feels like it applies to you! I'm kinda like the proverbial man with a hammer, who thinks everything is now a nail: this new paradigm has changed my self-understanding so completely, and it's just not part of the way most people talk about family and ourselves in general, that if anyone even kinda looks like it might apply to them, I want them to know about it! It's helped me see that I'm not defective as a person--I have deficits in emotional skills I should have been taught and wasn't. Deficits in supportive relationships I should have had, but don't.
I hope this helps in some way. If nothing else, just know you're not crazy, you're not worthless, and you're not alone.
Edit: formatting/clarity
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People
Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis
The 48 Laws of Power
Check out What Every Body Is Saying and Louder Than Words, both by Joe Navarro. I've read them both and gone back multiple times to reference them. This has given me a real edge in my daily business and especially in interviews. I've always been good at reading people, but he puts into words and pictures what it was I was picking up from people. Great topic. Enjoy
There's also Games People Play
What Every Body is Saying
For learning about body language and social psychology
https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
Is this the book you are referring to?
Also, what comedy shows do you recommend, for multiple reasons I've been trying to look for them for some time. :)
I've heard good things about What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro.
One time in my life I was obsessed with poker. I read a book on body language to become better at poker, instead I think it helped me more in real life.
https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/
You could do with losing a little weight, I think the problem is you don't carry it with confidence. Sounds idiotic but most girls don't care about a guys weight if he is a charmer. To improve your confidence shift a few pounds, do it for you not for the bullies. http://www.diabetes.co.uk/diet-basics.html
You're pretty average looking, which is a good thing, its better to look average than look like a monster. You can improve with confidence and a little styling. Try getting some hair product and play around with your hair a little at the moment it looks a little flat.
A combination of /r/seduction, /r/dating_advice and /r/relationship_advice could help with your approach to women. I also recommend this book its not a dating books its effectively a profiling guide and it goes through the steps for reading body language really well.
I recommend this book: What Every Body is saying
> Joe Navarro, a former FBI counterintelligence officer and a recognized expert on nonverbal behavior, explains how to "speed-read" people: decode sentiments and behaviors, avoid hidden pitfalls, and look for deceptive behaviors. You'll also learn how your body language can influence what your boss, family, friends, and strangers think of you.
According to Joe Navarro's book even professionals get it wrong about half the time. Might as well flip a coin.
I was about to post the same comment, but instead I'll just post a link to it on Amazon.
> In talking about these things I have made comments that have not pleased her, and she says she feels smothered and controlled.
This, like /u/cobalt_bella said, is text-book avoidant. You are both growing closer and closer but at some point, there comes a time when things become too close and a withdrawal/distancing starts. This commonly plays out with avoidants finding faults in their partner and magnifying them such that they focus on that instead of the good things they like about their partner. These faults are a way to put a damper on their relationship so that feeling of vulnerability and dependence lessens.
Also, five months seems about what I've personally experienced in my struggles with avoidance.
This one?
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_v2KJDbC7S3HCT
Attached
Read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_t46YBbDXF9AKV
If anyone's interested in learning more about attachment styles, this book had a big impact on the way I approach relationships and I kind of think everyone could benefit from reading it
I just found this subreddit today and it feels so nice to be around people who think in the same way! My counselor told me about "Attached" and I couldn't put it down when I read it. You will understand a little more about this when you read it, but I realized I'm an anxious type and I had a pattern of dating avoidants, which was a terrible time. My bf now is secure and everything is so much more stable and he's able to reassure my insecurities, though it seemed less exciting at first. Here's a link to the book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I wonder if this might be anxious attachment on your part. One of the parts of anxious attachment can be that, when you feel your partner pulling back a tiny bit, even if it's for good reason (like sleep, work, illness), you panic a bit and pull back yourself, in anticipation of rejection.
So if this sounds about right, maybe try reading the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment for insight.
I highly recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Roadmap-Relationship-Pioneers/dp/1587613379.
My copy is signed personally by the author and had been a great introduction. I may not be poly anymore, however this book helped me to navigate poly better.
The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle--from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.
"I couldn't stop reading it, and I for one identify as an ethical slut. This is a book for anyone interested in creating more pleasure in their lives . . . a complete guide to improving any style of relating, from going steady to having an extended family of sexual friends." --Betty Dodson, PhD, author of Sex for One
Hey!
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.
Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.
We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.
This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.
Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.
Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237
While not geared toward romantic relationships, perhaps Nonviolent Communication would be a good choice.
I feel I have to give voice to another point of view here. Logical reasoning and argumentation works in certain limited settings but tend not to work in life in general and especially not in relationships. You may win the battle but lose the war with pure logic. Stating your emotions in good ways can be more powerful than any logic argument in my opinion. No one can dispute the way you feel which is unlike the rational arguments you make. I'll happily recommend reading the book Non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg on this subject.
The following strategies and resources are those that have proven particularly useful to me. I hope they will prove useful to you as well. I think it's helpful to approach them like an academic subject - take notes, analyze and dig deeper, look for related resources. Take your time on it and approach it like a continuing education process.
Self-work:
Communication:
Relationships:
Yessir, that's a good way of putting it.
>May I ask how you worked on your social skills and networking?
Absolutely! First I read a bunch of books and articles, which I'll list for you below. Second I got a job that requires a lot of social interaction. And third I made a very dedicated effort to do more social things.
(Wow, I didn't realize how large this list was going to be. So I'm going to very highly recommend the first three books and just say that everything else is going to be beneficial, but not really necessary. You don't have to go nearly as deep as I did to get good results.)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Talk to Anyone
What EveryBODY is Saying
---
Never Eat Alone
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
Argumentation and Debate
What to Say When You're Dying on the Platform
The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking
The Art of Framing
This article
This documentary on body language
This video on body language
This ebook
/r/socialskills
This website
This video
This video
This video
A lot of Craig Ferguson interviews (especially the lady ones)
Etiquette
> I am so guilty of trying to plan ahead what I'm going to say!
That was a big piece for me. I was so focused on coming up with a response that would make someone like me that I wasn't truly listening and then reacting honestly to what they were saying.
A good book that helps with understanding classic back-and-forth of conversation is the classic "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie (link goes to Kindle edition). Some of the examples are a little dated (he refers to people who were celebrities at the time he wrote his book in the 1930s), but the advice is rock-solid useful.
And while I haven't done this, a friend of mine with social anxiety joined her local Toastmasters chapter a few years back so she could to learn to cope with public speaking. She swears it changed her life. Certainly all of her friends noticed the change--more confidence and easy-going with strangers. You might consider it.
Complicated answer that depends on context.
I would go read "How to win friends and influence people"
But heres also a quick step by step guide
You are strong enough. I'd say counseling is going to be huge for you. Take your time to find the right person for you, a good counselor that fits your needs and that you feel connected to will be huge.
Try this book - it's not the best I've ever read, but it does address the things you're talking about.
Buy the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by Dr. Karyl McBride ( https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 ) and give it to your wife. It might help her start to understand how her mother will always treat her.
Look up the book, Will I ever be good enough, healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers, it helped me tremendously,
My mother is awful, she was awful to my husband, unless she wanted something from him, she would have preferred me divorced and living with her with our kids,
The book opened my eyes big time!
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lA6GDbBFYB3G3
I know this is a touch off topic, but for dealing with the aftermath of such an occurrence, please give your SO this book: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1/179-3456023-8640952?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453145264&sr=1-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
It's really helpful for people who have narcissistic parents and how to deal with the long term effects. Good luck to your SO, she should certainly hold them accountable to the highest level of the law. They're grown adults and they know what they did, total lack of regard for your SO.
Shameless plug for you guys to check this book out. My counselor recommended it to me. It's so simple and forward and has totally simplified my life.
I'm NC with my nMom.....and I'm allll out of fucks to give for anyone who wants to give me their 2 cents on the issue.
Read this! There are free PDFs available if you know where to look as well (I had no qualms against downloading; Dale Carnegie died in 1955). The title kind of makes it sound like a sleezy self help book, but it is actually excellent and extremely useful. His number one step for "Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking" is the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Numbers eight and nine? Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. and Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Make friends first, then find a girl.
I believe you're starting off on the wrong foot. He could read a self help book. He could read a million, won't do him any good till he takes action. If he truly is depressed, unmotivated, etc, then he needs to start changing his life starting with himself. Start eating healthy. Start working out, at the very least running, get blood flowing through the whole body, get the mind working. Have him kick start a hobby of his that he loves. Clean your home, your life, the clutter.
Everyone in this life is always looking for the key, for that "something" that will make that click and have everything become the way they want it to be. Most don't realize that that "key" is as simple and yet as difficult as an entire shift in a mentality, which in my opinion can be started with what I stated above. And most importantly, you can't do it for him. All you can do is support, but only he can do it for himself.
Oh, and if you really want some book, a lot of us here recommend this: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373087727&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+make+friends+and+influence+people. Seems appropriate for what you're asking for. Good luck.
"Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You" by Dr. Susan Forward
I've always had problems in the relationship with my parents. This book helped me understand that I can control how I respond to their behavior and get out of the "FOG" they created.
The problem with these things is the cherry-picking and hindsight used as (after-the-fact) applications of the knowledge.
I suggest Alan Pease's body language book. It's a great read and doesn't feel like it's trying to impose anything on you.
(Never read nor watch anything that has to do with NLP, FWIW.)
Alter your body language. The Definitive Guide to Body Language does a very good job of pointing out the body language that we all use in different situations; try to consciously choose body language that doesn't match the situation you're in.
A simple but fun experiment would be to stand closer than cultural norms allow and see if you can get a "waltz" going like the author talks about when Japanese folks have standing conversations with Americans.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
This is a well-organized general marriage book. The big, surprising idea for me was the proven ineffectiveness of marriage counseling. Also surprising and useful was a discussion of when communication does not help, and how to fight fairly and effectively.
Read this book and This book together
​
The fact that he is resisting giving her up and they are still sharing time with each other even though it is causing you pain is concerning. How would he feel if the situations were reversed? What would his reaction be? Does he share or is he willing to share every single communication between the two of them with you? Like your SO, I'm positive mine never ventured into a PA, but he was on his way to an EA. Yours is in EA territory, too. Mine offered to cut contact but that wasn't practical given our social circle. Instead, he shows me every text & tells me about every call from her. I haven't told him I verify it against our phone records. Yes, he could be using messaging apps & social media for the contact, no I don't snoop on his phone or computer, but I honestly don't think she is the type to knowingly sneak like that. The communication they used to have was on the upswing, and he deleted the texts before I asked to see them (which is why I believe it was an EA for him and not a friendship) & is now any texts are few and far between and calls are nearly non-existent. SO & I worked on our communication and time spent together and things have improved for us.
This is not quick advise, but--
I found this book by John H. Gottman to be very helpful in sorting out my own marriage. (Divorced now.) The author provides tools to figure out if the relationship problems are solvable or perpetual, as well as providing sound advice on just how to get along...some of which seems obvious, but can be good to be reminded.
Personally, I opted for divorce only once it became clear to me that it was unlikely that my DH and I would not be truly happy being together in the long run. Too much compromise was required on both sides. I left because I love him and want us both to be able to find happiness. It was a heart-wrenching experience, but ultimately the right choice for us.
Divorce is painful, and so much messier (and more expensive) than any other breakup. Imo, it shouldn't be regarded as a first option, but sometimes it might be the right answer.
Best wishes!
> We do keep score, that's a good way to put it.
Here's something interesting I learned in a marriage therapy class in grad school: marriage therapists used to suggest that partners in struggling marriages do nice things for each other in a "tit for tat" system. For example, they'd ask the couple to each do one nice thing for each other a day.
Research has shown that this is actually counterproductive. If a spouse is keeping track of how many nice things they've done and how many nice things the other person has done, they become less happy with the relationship. Inevitably, each partner can list more nice things they've done for the other person than they can nice things the other person has done for them. It makes them feel more resentful towards the other person, not less.
I know you've said you're a logical kind of guy and you like to be quantitative about things, but I think this is something you should think about: hard research shows that when you keep track of who owes who what, your relationship is likely to deteriorate.
By the way, the research we learned about in that class was mostly by the Gottman Institute, which is the leading organization in empirical research on predictors of marriage success. They write lots of books for lay people, which I'd highly recommend -- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, for example.
Great book. [Here] (http://www.amazon.com/Faith-Doubt-Religious-Believers-Nonbelievers/dp/0814433723/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453163862&sr=8-1&keywords=in+faith+and+in+doubt) is the link. [This one] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797?keywords=making%20marriage%20work&qid=1453163805&ref_=sr_1_4&sr=8-4) was also helpful to me.
>She doesn't understand why I would want to pay someone who doesn't know anything about us a lot of money to tell us what to do.
Because they're highly trained, have no agenda or overt bias. If you two were going to solve your issues on your own it would have happened by now.
The fact that she'd rather split up than seek outside help is pretty telling about her level of interest in making this work.
I've recommended this before, it's a pretty good book but won't be as helpful as a professional:
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
See a counselor yourself, it can't hurt, and it might lower your stress level and give you some insight into different things you can try to improve your side of things. A trial separation probably won't help, those only work if done for very specific reasons and with the help of a professional.
Whatever you do, please don't get married until you sort some things out.
The Introvert Advantage is a very good book, not just for categorizing yourself, but to actually understand yourself (or just what extroversion vs. introversion is) better. It would seem that around 85% percent of us are self proclaimed introverts so this is highly relevant for understanding why you might sometimes feel like the ugly duckling. Being an an-cap is something that is right with you, not what is wrong.
Consider the link to unpaid sources a troll to the IP Crowd ;-), of course it is worth checking out Amazon too, if nothing more, for the reviews.
And because I am always willing to call bullshit on myself as much as I am others, here is a link to an interview with the author on the podcast Skeptically Speaking. I can tell you that there is a self assessment quiz on page 21 or so of the book which you can ignore, it is complete garbage and if it wasn't everyone would be considered an introvert. Additionally, the author makes the claim that introverts tend to be smarter, on average, than extroverts but I do not think this is true or supported.
tl;dr: Introversion is not shyness. It is not antisocial. It is not less desire to connect with other people. It is not a greater or lesser ability to be a leader. It is not necessarily better or worse. It is a different way of processing information. It is a different requirement for "recharging one's batteries." If you can better understand what makes yourself tick, you will be less inclined to blame your sour moods on your anti-state/pro-liberty views.
Hiya Aaron,
From the interview:
>>Many good programmers I know, for instance, aren’t too social.
>
>I think that’s probably part of it; many people don’t have the social skills to notice how offensive they’re being.
You're making the classic extrovert mistake to think all people are like you, and all other lack social skills. This is utterly offensive ;) On average extroverts outgun introverts 8 to 2, but if you want to succeed among programmers, where it's 2 to 8, you better get some understanding. It's not about superior or inferior behaviour, it's about whether your brain is driven by adrenaline or dopamine, and the consequences. Read for instance:
http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert-World/dp/0761123695
I am so glad you didn't break up with your girlfriend over your mother's terrible emotional manipulation! Honestly, putting that physical distance between you and your mother may help you establish emotional boundaries better because you won't have that physical contact where she can use her fits and rage and emotional displays to control your responses.
I'm not sure if you're into self help books, but two that I've been reading are Will I Ever be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C Gibson. I think both give really good explanations of the behavior of Nparents, particularly Nmothers in the first book. The first book also offers a series of exercises to help you identify your own personal traits and personality that may have been masked by your Nmom because she has left no room to express yourself while in her presence. A big part of both books is the idea that we can't expect our parents to change. They're not emotionally mature enough to have the sort of health mature relationships we wish we could have with them, so the issue kind of comes down to this: If we want them in our lives, can we accept them as they are? If we can't go on trying to maintain a relationship with them as they are, then perhaps cutting ties really is the best option.
Take your time to sort out your emotional stuff and get to some place of resolve (it likely won't be complete resolve, but at least get to a stable spot where you can make some clear decisions for yourself), and I encourage you to make decisions based on what you want to do and not based on what you believe you're supposed to do (based on how your mother has trained you). Your emotions are valid. Your wants and aspirations are valid. You matter, and people who truly care for you will hope that you do what makes you happy.
I'm rooting for you!
Edit: Some words.
That you're putting of talking to her makes me recommend this book: "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton.
If she's blowing up, you might also like "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Contrary to what I usually do, I found this one hard to read but easy to listen to; YMMV.
I already suggested this book once today, but try this; www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626251703 . Maybe especially pay attention to the chapters on the healing fantasy.
The upshot is that it doesn't matter why they dump emotional abuse on you. You're not in charge of their actions or feelings. If your mom is borderline or bipolar or narcissistic or cPTSD or just has FLEAS or... it doesn't matter. If she abused you, you've got to deal with the abuse by recognizing your feelings and deciding what to do about your actions. Find healthy boundaries, put them in place. You might miss your mom, but it's the abuse talking when you think you can't be happy and fulfilled without her.
The only difference the source of your trauma makes is whether you want to deal with it, knowing how pervasive it is or isn't and what she's likely to continue to do in the future.
The Socratic Method has been a big part of what I do, I try to never say "you are wrong because X", But I will say something like:
"You say God is loving, but how do you account for this verse?..."
and when they respond I bring up another question.
Also, there is really good book called Nonviolent Communication. Actually I read it recently for the first time, and I already use almost all of the techniques and stuff in it, but its a VERY good book, especially if someone hasn't read a lot of that subject already.
The reason I brought it up is to mention that when I think someone is clearly wrong, I don't make a blanket statement "You ARE wrong" I state it as an opinion I have:
"From my perspective, you just seem flat out wrong because of X Y and Z, can you explain to me how you are right?"
In the Nonvoiolent Comm. book they mention saying YOU to someone can make someone feel defensive, like instead of saying "Did YOU drink my last beer?" you can say "do you know who drank the beer I had in the fridge?" ... Unless you WANT to be confrontational, heh, which has its place.
Pete, setup informational interviews at organizations near you, professional and college. This is a form of networking that will help you learn who holds positions who will give you 10-30 minutes of their time to learn about duties and skills in different roles at different ballclubs.
You have to ask, ask, ask, but you will learn of many ways you know someone who works at these clubs. Use your networks to find connections that are 1,2,3 levels deep. You will find its likely that over time you'll only have to go 1 or 2 levels of connection. Ask the athletic departments at your university. A lot of clubs have spring training in AZ, so you're likely in a good spot to find connections. Here is an example of what you could ask:
> I'm so_and_soap, a senior here at NAU. I'm interested in working with MLB and am wondering if there are some staff here who can help me setup informational interviews at the Diamondbacks, MLB?
There are three goals (or however many you make up) for informational interviews.
Patience
You might find something at your ballclub within your search timeframe quickly. Most likely, though, you will need to include more companies in your search. Whatever the job, focus on developing those skills you think ae most important to land you at MLB or other targetted companies.
Networking ideas:
Linkedin, parents, university alumni, directories, friends, friends' parents, guest lecturers, professors, bosses
Say Yes
In your replies to comments you have said 3 times that you don't know something or don't have requisite skill for something. That is not productive nor useful to your efforts. Instead think of a question that might get that piece of information answered.
Resources
Highly Effective Networking by Orville Pierson
Use your head to get your foot in the door by Harvey Mackay
Nonviolent Communication
Spin Selling
Does he admit this is a problem? Are you both willing to work through your issues?
I would suggest you both read a book about conflict resolution inside a relationship. Maybe something like Non-Violent Communication. It gets a lot easier when you have this framework to give you a common language, techniques and set of goals to work towards. But it only works if both of you are willing to work hard at it, step outside your comfort zones, and show some vulnerability.
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
I really recommend the above book if you are thinking about how to communicate directly and clearly, it really helped me.
I'm not able to answer most of your questions, but I would suggest a few things:
Yes, you can push them to a drop box or other cloud storage.
But I have to ask, what do you hope to achieve by such a thing? Do you intend to embarrass her in front of her friends or family? What will YOU get from "proof" that she is abusive? (BTW since you are married you own everything together, and technically she cannot "steal" from you. )
I was married to a narcissist for many years. I went through therapy after catching her planning a vacation with another guy. Of course she blamed me. After a few weeks I realized I was a nice guy and she was a controlling bitch. I came home and told her I wasn't doing yard work anymore (I always hated it) and she should go hire someone. She hired an attorney and filed for divorce because she could no longer control me. Good riddance.
I don't know your situation, but here are some great resources my therapist gave me:
Non-Violent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg, a great book describing exactly how to deal with abusive language and how not to be abusive when you communicate to others. (there are also you tube videos on the subject). Changed my relationships with everyone
How To Recognize a Narcissist, A wonderful write up on narcissists (in case she is one)
Constructive Living by David Reynolds A great combination of Eastern therapies that help you live positively and with purpose without letting things overwhelm you.
Really, work on yourself a little before proving to everyone else that she is a pain. Everybody probably realizes that anyway. If you play it back to her she will only get angry and if you play your recordings to her friends or family you will will look like a jerk.
Hang in there.
I was actually suggesting couples therapy.
It might be a bit of a stretch but you and your wife might benefit from reading "Nonviolent Communication" https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
Its not perfect but there are some fantastic lessons in there. Rather than suggesting she read it to fix her problems I suggest reading it together. Maybe you could pitch it as "Hey I see that we have had some painful interactions lately. Would you be willing to work on this with me in the hope of making things better for both of us?" Your wife is suffering, all angry people are. Reading this might help her better express how she feels.
They aren't textbooks, but they do have information to learn in them.
Here are a couple of things on my reading list:
Why People Die By Suicide by Thomas Joiner
How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg
I second u/LesGHOW advice for counseling. But I also found the books:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
and
Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship helpful too
To add to this, there's a wonderful book about attachment:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine et al.
ISBN-10: 1585429139
ISBN-13: 978-1585429134
Paperback
Kindle
I had the EXACT same experience (except I'm male). This book really helped me to change my thinking about how I act in relationships. It's not about changing who you are, it's about changing how you and your partner act and react to the other's attachment style. It's made my relationships much healthier.
You're 20 and presumably cute as fuck. Enjoy yourself. Do not be with someone that makes you feel like shit, nervous, anxious, etc... Be with someone that makes you feel secure and happy. Do yourself a favor and read this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=attached&qid=1567194117&s=gateway&sr=8-2. I wish I had read it when I was your age.
And if you ever want to message me just to chat feel free. I'm more than happy to help you out. Too many people trick themselves into thinking that they should stay with someone that makes them unhappy. They start coming up with excuses and then before you know it you've wasted 5 years. Then you have other people telling you dating is harder than it isn't. It's hard don't get me wrong but it's not impossible.
Right now you're focus should be on trying to figure out the kind of person you can see yourself staying with long term. That means experiencing a wide variety of people. Sure casual encounters aren't for everyone so if that isn't for you don't force yourself to do something you don't enjoy but you can still experience a wide range of people without needing to fuck a bunch.
If you're interested, Attached is the name of the book I read and it's an excellent resource for navigating not only your relationship, but also yourself in the relationship. I had plenty of habits I could easily identify as avoidant (seeing the same girl two days in a row was unappealing for me) but also a few that I was surprised to learn don't apply to everyone ("I'm in a minority of people that put their exes on a pedestal six months after the relationship ends? Not everyone does that???"), and just identifying my Avoidant traits was beneficial to my relationship health. It's a lot easier to talk yourself out of breaking up when you realize your anxiety is a you problem, not a them problem.
Good luck out there, brother!
not OP but comment is related to attachment styles - this book is a good place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 But you can also just google "attachment styles" or "attachment theory" for the basics :)
I recently read a book called Attached. It was so helpful and understanding my attachment style and how to navigate it. I hope this helps.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1522722243&sr=8-1&keywords=attached
Exactly. I don't think you're being manipulative at all. It's reasonable to want to protect yourself emotionally. I do too, and I think most humans do.
If you ever want to talk more, feel free to PM me. It's nice to know that there are others like me too!
> What is your strategy to deal with those feelings?
I don't quite have an answer to this yet, because I'm still trying to develop a strategy. I tried OLD for a few months after moving on from the breakup of an LTR, but after meeting someone I was excited about and having it not work out, I've decided to take a break and focus on myself. I'm currently not dating, either on- or offline. I've been going to therapy to sort through some things (e.g. the seeming disconnect between society's expectations about dating and how I'm wired as a person, and some personal traumas from the past). I try to learn from the posts I find here as well. It's what brought me to yours!
I've seen people recommend the book Attached, both on reddit and elsewhere. It's about adult attachment styles. I haven't read it yet, but I plan to check it out. Maybe you'd find it helpful too!
Edit: Added first couple of sentences
Edit 2: Added link
I think it may be helpful for a lot of people who are dating to look into the attachment theory. I have been reading a book called Attached and I have learned bit from it thus far. Just a little mention that others may find of interest.
"Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back"
Apparently I should buy that book. Thank you internet stranger!
Im a 30 year old woman...from her perspective it’s very possible she didn’t admit to the eye contact because you enquired about it in an open ended way, basically putting her in the position of taking responsibility for the intensity. If you want to find out if she has feelings for you, you have to tell her that you have feelings for her. It’s the only way she will answer honestly.
But before considering that, I think you should study up on attachment styles and attachment trauma. This sounds like a classic anxious response from an insecure attachment style. You even said yourself that you’ve seen this pattern before. It’s very possible you are very triggered by this specific dynamic and it creates strong feelings that you are reading as romantic. I cannot recommend this book enough:
https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139
Take this experience as an opportunity to get to the bottom of some of your own issues and find a way to calm down before pursuing any further conversations. True love will be there for you when it’s the right time for it and it will be very clear that it is.
I found this book extremely helpful when looking at attachment and how it impacts relationships. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
​
It also sound like you guys need to get on the same page about relationship expectations and really be honest with yourselves about whether your partner and relationship are meeting your needs.
And definitely look for some way to get connected to therapy in the future! Through school, EAP through an employer, sliding scale at a clinic that has interns, health insurance. It can be SO helpful in working through issues that come up, recognizing unhealthy patterns, and regaining a sense of control in your life and relationships!
​
Good luck!
This is a common pattern. Might be some answers for you here:
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
(on mobile, sorry if things are scrambled /spelling)
Something that really helped me realize a bad cycle of relationships was a book called Attached.
It's about the different adult attachment styles. I bet you, your coworker you didn't feel the spark with is the secure type. You're maybe the anxious type or avoidant. Your ex absolutely is avoidant by the sounds of it.
One of the things I remember in that book was often the spark as you know it isn't there because the mess of a potential relationship between the avoidant and anxious type that you're used too that you think of as a spark isn't there. Whem reading through your description of you and your ex and you mentioning no spark with your new interest I immediately thought of the attachment styles.
I might not have remembered it the best but this reminds me of your relationship. I might suggest taking a look into it further to see if it helps clear your thoughts on how unhealthy this all sounds.
It's incredibly cruel of him to play these games, especially with your daughter. I hope you find the strength to cut him out of your live.
Wiki link with a bit more info about the attachment types: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults
The book I mentioned : https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139
Sounds like you are bumping up against some (potentially) unresolved trauma (grief and loss), and how it has potentially affected your "adult attachment style." Your reactions to breakups are not unnatural, although they may be (as you indicate) more extreme or long lasting than you'd like. You are asking good questions, and the fact that you are looking for a more healthy alternative to your current patterns of behavior/relationships is a good indicator you are moving toward health... You could look for a therapist who can administer the Adult Attachment Interview with you. The AAI is legit: but stay away from foofy therapists. If you ask what their preferred treatment modality would be in working with you, and they say something like "it's all about your journey," just peace out. Finding a good therapist is like finding a pair of comfy shoes, sometimes you gotta try a few.
You can also check out this book, Attached. It describes attachment and neurobiology, and how it impacts your relationships. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it seems pretty good so far.
Good luck!
The only way to gain experience is to do it. The only way to get more comfortable is to do it. My advice is: don’t fuck it up, or fuck it up, but definitely do one of those so you can start learning.
Books I recommend:
attached
Anything John Gottman
5 love languages
If you don’t want to read all those books, atleast look up summaries of the work. Also Mark Manson’s blog is really fucking good.
Don't worry, your behavior is pretty common, measured to be around 25% of the population. (Depends on the age bracket.)
There's a bunch of books on the subject with "attachment" in the title. The basic idea is that people are wired to perceive different sensations as "love". For example, you seem to associate the feelings you experience being ignored or unwanted with romantic love. Interacting with men who meet all of your emotional needs then seem boring by comparison, because those relationships lack the triggers you associate with being in love.
A good therapist can help you figure this out, or you can start by just reading and see if you recognize your own behavior in the avoidant archetype. That isn't to say you have to start going out with men who are clingy, but rather learn to recognize and appreciate men who have mature and healthy communication styles.
Here's a couple of good links to get you started:
http://www.thebookoflife.org/how-we-choose-a-partner/
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1493823185&sr=8-1&keywords=attachment+theory
Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
From Amazon:
We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise, but what about relationships? Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle? According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the answer is a resounding "yes."
In Attached, Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back
Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.
Anxiously attached psychologist here
Please read Attached if you haven’t already
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. I do too and my therapist recommended the book Attached which helped me understand myself and my emotional needs. One of the biggest eye openers for me was that it's fairly common (about 25% of the population) and nothing to be ashamed about.
Not a dude, but thought I'd pop in with a suggestion. Look up attachment theory - a good layman book is Attachment Amazon link
This taught me SO much about why I do certain things in relationships.
I recommend reading this book to learn more about adult attachment theory and how it impacts our relationships. It's an insightful, basic introduction to adult attachment theory that explains, at least in part, how and why we choose our partners. It's rooted in science - something a lot of INTJs can appreciate.
Best of luck to you.
I've been through lots of relationships and no I do not wonder why I wasn't enough... I have a pretty good idea of why each and every one ended.
Incompatible lifestyles is pretty common.
Love is real though. It's science. You don't necessarily need a lot of self control. The desire to be loyal to the on you love can be pretty overpowering.
>i feel so alone sometimes
are you sure you're not depressed?
>i have felt uncomfortable with the awkward (to me any way) silences.
You also sound a bit anxious. How about you try to take everything he says and does at face value? Do some introspection and figure out whether you want something from him that he doesn't give you. Once you figure out what you want from him, tell him. He's not a mind reader and can't anticipate your needs, as much as he would want to.
If you're into reading, try to get this one too: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. I found it in my local library.
Become a honey badger. Being a nice guy sucks, being a good man is fucking awesome. Be clear about your intentions, make sure you groom well, that you have the type of life you want, all of that.
Read and internalize these books:
My wife and I are also both bisexual high school sweethearts! A little different from your situation since we're both women, but pretty similar. We have been together for 7 years this month and have been nonmonogamous (in some form or another) for about 3.5.
My biggest advice is to never, ever forget that the third (or fourth or..) person is a PERSON. So many times, even now, my wife and I have found ourselves making decisions that affect someone else we are seeing between the two of us - and then it turns out that the other person did not want whatever we had decided.
I really highly recommend checking out More Than Two or The Ethical Slut (I like the first better but it's definitely a personal preference thing, many people in this subreddit swear by one or the other). When you're first starting out the biggest thing is that you don't know what you don't know - these books are hugely helpful resources that I wish I'd had BEFORE I made most of the mistakes in them.
Like others have said, I would definitely say date separately. If someone winds up wanting to date both of you or it happens organically, great, but don't force it. Dealing with jealousy is really hard and there's no one-size-fits-all solution - you've just got to communicate, communicate, and communicate without guilt or shaming. Also, FWIW, we started as just hookups and my wife has mostly stayed there but I wound up with feelings so I actually have a boyfriend now, too.
The not enough feelings will definitely tie themselves up in your jealousy. They are HARD stuff. IMO, you need to remember that 1. you have value and you bring something to your relationship, your husband is not with you just to humor you and 2. if your husband says he still loves you and is still attracted to you, he is telling the truth and you should trust him. Obviously everything is MUCH more complicated than that, but those are two things that have come up for me and my wife over the last few years.
Feel free to PM me or ask any other questions! I'm actually writing my Master's thesis about polyamory so even though I don't know that much myself I can probably point you toward an article or two that might help! Good luck. :-)
You know how people say you should only try to quit smoking or lose weight if it's something you want to do for yourself, otherwise it won't take? Sure, you might be able to cut back for a while or drop a few pounds, until that super stressful day or holiday buffet comes along.
The reason "they" say that is simple: eventually, if your heart wasn't in it to begin with, you'll find a reason to go back to your old habits.
I'm all for broadening one's horizons and exploring new sides of yourself - and I firmly believe that not everyone who thinks they couldn't do it is right. However, "trying out" polyamory with so many barriers in your way from the start could be seriously harmful to your current relationship, future relationships, and your core self.
There absolutely ARE ways to "get over" almost all of that, but it is a long, arduous, often painful process. And the best way to start is with wanting to change - or at least explore the possibility of changing - those things about yourself which would prevent polyamory from being a positive influence on your life: possessive jealousy, competition, viewing love as a pie chart, potentially codependence, and any others not listed in your OP.
/u/alc6379 is correct: "Only problem with trying polyamory first is there's so much at stake..." IMO, you have to be not just curious what all the hoopla's about, you need to be honestly wanting to seek out polyamory for its own merits in your life, which means you have to think it has merit for you.
It's totally possible to go from "I could never do that" to "This is amazing, even if it isn't how I originally thought things would go", but that won't happen just because other people have made it work for them. Poly - like monogamy - isn't for everyone, and that's ok.
I would recommend picking up a few published books as primers and see how you feel after reading them: The Ethical Slut, Open, and Opening Up are some of the key introductory references most people crack open first.
Whatever you guys choose, I wish you the best of luck!
I was where you are now. I split with my ex of 7 years in November 2009, and IMMEDIATELY jumped into dating a string of other guys. This stemmed from low self-esteem; I was looking for love and appreciation from external sources. I met my current boyfriend in July 2011, and initially was the same way...all "I don't want a Relationship...I'm not looking to get married, etc. etc." Fortunately, he feels the same way, and we're able to maintain our independence. We live separately, and get together on the weekends. Neither one of us want children, and there's nothing "wrong" with living independently or not wanting kids. :) We both realize that the relationship will end at some point, but as long as we're both happy, we'll stay together.
Personally, I don't think you're being a "colossal bitch." You're figuring out what you want and need after a HUGE upheaval. I think you're on the right track by being upfront with him about your wants, needs, and desires. To paraphrase Dossie Easton, "let each relationship seek its own level." Don't try to force yourself (or him) into a mold that doesn't fit.
I'd recommend that you read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It's somewhat polyamory-focused, but there are many valuable anecdotes that I think you could relate to.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like. :)
If you're not the type of person that can be emotionally stable with open relationships then don't do it.
Jealousy is an issue in normal relationships, could you imagine having to deal with not speculation of others involved, but KNOWING others are involved?
I'm going to say stay away from it. You'll get over it eventually and learn from the experience.
However, jealousy can be an issue in monogamy obviously. I picked up this book and it actually helped: http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
It's a book about polygamous relationships, but it talks about overcoming that issue of jealousy and it helped me understand fundamentals about monogamous relationships and how to overcome being jealous in that.
I'm just making a suggestion though, but I would never be in anything other than a monogamous relationship.
Here's the standard reading list! The Ethical Slut and Opening Up. They can be useful in many ways: giving you vocabulary to express things you might not have the words for at the moment, giving you exercises you can do to help you get past some of the jealousy and possession issues that almost always crop up, and providing advice on things to watch out for and hurdles you might have to face.
Oh, and they're just more evidence that you aren't alone, or even all that unusual. :)
Okcupid and fetlife are good places to contact people. There are quite a few people on both sites open to multiple partners, just use it as a couple rather than as an individual and be quite straightforward about what you're looking for. Remember, though, no-one likes to feel like they are just being used for sex, as a third or otherwise, so try to approach it in the same way you would ordinary dating, more or less.
Now, on to the trickier pragmatics. Poly doesn't work for everyone. You have to be ridiculously upfront, honest and open. Jealousy may rear its ugly head; that's normal. The trick is how you handle it. I would seriously recommend you get yourself some kind of poly primer and read it together before you delve any further. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up are good places to start. Good luck! And at the risk of sounding like Jerry Springer, be good to each other.
We tried swinging for a bit, but it wasn't much to our tastes. We're polyamorous. So, we sometimes date separately, sometimes we date the same person, sometimes we date a couple. It all depends.
Everybody is always above board and honest about the relationships we're in. No secrets. It works really well for us, but it's definitely not something that works for everybody. And you have to set your boundaries very well. A great book on the subject is The Ethical Slut, which I found to be very helpful.
Have you been doing any reading? Sometimes reading some more perspectives and guides can really help you deal with your own feelings and look at why you feel the way you do.
Some of the most-recommended books I've seen are:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279641267&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory/dp/0991399706
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279722189&sr=8-1
If you just want someone to tell you who is right in your situation with your partner, nobody here is going to be able to help. Different people take different lengths of time to adjust to things, and different relationships need to progress at different speeds. Don't be too hard on yourself (or her) and make sure you keep communication open. :)
My book list focus both on theme and authors. Obviously I went through a pretty depressed phase (hence all the deeply brooding novels). Still, I think that these female authors gave me a sense of empowerment in my young age by the sheer genius of their work. It was refreshing to read books by women I admired as well as for themes I was interested in.
And the book that taught me the most about sexuality and my body?
In defense of this book, I am not poly-amorous. I really think every female should read it. Great advice on overcoming jealousy, loving your body, and enjoying your sexuality.
Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.
Umm. no. not at all.
Go read the modern poly classic "Ethical Slut" or "Opening Up" or read some of the wiki and faq's on https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory
/r/nonmonogamy
You have a very broken sexist view of non-monogamous relationships.
Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.
About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.
All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.
At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.
Good Luck
Here are two books you might be interested in.
Sex at Dawn
The Ethical Slut
First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.
The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.
As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.
Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.
If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:
You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.
You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.
The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).
If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.
Two things:
Don't be afraid to ask about it. Usually, something along the lines of "I noticed you're listed as seeing someone else, are you still looking for more people to date?" should suffice. Communication and transparency is paramount to the majority of poly people.
Secondly, if you've never been in a situation where polyamory is on the table, do some research; read this stuff:
Opening Up
The Ethical Slut
Sex at Dawn
Good luck!
It's not really about controlling your feelings. Feelings aren't really something that are "controlled" so to speak. Rather they occur whether we want them to or not. They are a part of the human experience and not something we should really try to stop exactly.
As to how to react when you do feel them, the answer is really the overly used word "communicate". Don't hide the fact that your feeling that way. Own up to it and look for a way to feel better. Just say "I feel inadequate that you slept with someone else this weekend. Can we..."
And that leads into things you can do about it. This is where poly/open people do a huge variety of different things.
There are a lot of different things you can actually do with your feelings other than keep them bottled up or act in manipulative or negative ways. What works for you depends on you and the relationship you have with someone.
As to books specifically, I've heard "The Ethical Slut" is good. I've yet to read it myself. But I hear a lot of good things about it.
It's also worth checking out The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.
You should try posting this on /r/NonMonogamy or /r/polyamory/ they are probably the most experienced with advice for navigating these kind of arrangements. I am not into the poly lifestyle, but out of curiosity I recently ordered this well known book called "the Ethical Slut" (amazon link).
Personally I don't think I could handle this kind of arrangement, but some couples (& groups) manage to make it work for them and their situation. Don't feel like you "owe her" a poly or non-monogamy arrangement just because she hasn't other sexual partners before you. Both parties need to consent and be able to communicate through the issues for this to be able to work. I really don't think of it as reasonable for her to put this to you in a 'demand' and approaching the issue that way couldn't be healthy for a relationship.
From an outsider it just looks like she has already made up her mind and if you are wanting the relationship to remain monogamous then she may either end the relationship, or worse still, go behind your back to get what she wants.
A must-read for any directed and responsible Man:
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
Other people here may think this is silly, but I don't.
I totally understand, as I have at one point in my life derived exactly that from sleeping around (never when I was in a relationship tho). It does make a big difference in this area.
There are, however, other ways to obtain self-confidence and self-esteem. This may also sound silly to a lot of people, but one of the things I did was buy a motorcycle, and let me tell you, there's very few things that make me feel like so much of a man as zipping past heavy traffic in the commuter lane, or splitting lanes, reducing my commute time by 50%. Sex does the same thing, especially when I'm being dominant. My current girlfriend likes and encourages me to be dominant in the bedroom, and let me tell you... nothing like finishing inside her (she's on the pill) after I've called all the shots, told her that she's my woman, and done everything I've wanted to do to her. It's extremely validating when, in the moments after, she cuddles up next to me, looking flushed and satisfied, and confident in me as a man. It is possible to obtain part (but not all) of your self-esteem and confidence from one woman alone--you just need to be able to express yourself fully and have her absolutely love it the way my girlfriend does.
Anyhow, it sounds to me like in your current relationship you might not feel comfortable expressing your yourself/your manliness, or may be you're just not comfortable with it at all, even outside of a relationship. It's possible that your girlfriend has issues with expression of yourself/manliness and so you are conditioned away from expressing it. Been there in a previous relationship so I know this can seriously effect your self-esteem and confidence. Talk to her about it--most women "secretly" (or not so secretly) want a partner who's manly and dominant in the bedroom and usually out of the bedroom too.
To save your relationship, you need to find a way to express your manliness in a non-sexual way--whatever way works best for you, be it a motorcycle, sports, power tools, martial arts, or whatever creative and unique way you come up with on your own.
I'd also recommend seeing if you can try being a bit more dominant in the bedroom too, or at least expressing yourself fully and passionately. Once you get comfortable with it, chances are she'll enjoy it too. I'm lucky to have a girlfriend that openly wants me to be dominant in the bedroom--she makes it clear that she wants it so I don't have to worry about offending her. (A lot of women these days..)
Finally you need to determine what being a man means to you... There are two books I'd recommend: Way of the Superior Man (a great book with a stupid title) and Real Men Don't Apologize. The former is somewhat spiritual in nature, the latter appeals to a wider audience. Get the audio books if you need to--I did. Some people may think these books are full of misogyny, but in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. They are more about finding your identity as a man, and part of that, both books emphasize, is respect for women and the light they can bring to our lives.
Addendum: I also wanted to clarify: you cannot get all of your confidence and self-esteem from sleeping with a lot of women. Do this too much and it'll become addictive and ultimately lead to a loss of confidence and self-esteem. (Been there, done that!) You need multiple sources of confidence and self-esteem, sex and feeling desired by other people can only be one of the ways you obtain these things. Otherwise, the pursuit is ultimately fruitless and empty. It seems great at first, but after a while, you'll end up hating yourself far more than you would have otherwise.
This is all advice from a 36 year old male who's never been married and has slept with a lot of women. Trust me, it's not all its cracked up to be.
Look for a lineage that speaks to your heart. Mastering the core teachings of the Buddha is the best direction for myself personally, which I found from this podcast which led me to this kind of wacky 3 part video, which inspired me to read the book. There is a free pdf of the book linked from the author's website. Time is probably better spent just going with something then flittering back and forth and always looking for a path but never walking one.
If you can manage to get yourself to a buddhist retreat do it. Practicing every moment every day for a week or so is incredible and I think inherently perspective/insight changing. I'd recommend studying what to do on retreats beforehand, so you are better able to practice effectively in every moment during the retreat, and better able to communicate questions to the teacher. Honestly, if you make a ten day retreat with some knowledge of what to do, and just keep on trucking through it to the end, you will probably reach insights & samadhi/jhana intensity which will make weed/alcohol appear essentially boring, and which will also really establish a pretty unshakeable Saddhā in the Dharma, with a strong sense that you know where you are going and how to get there (and a sense of how much it will actually take to get there.)
Put some dharma talks onto your phone/ipod. Listen when you drive/clean whenever seems appropriate. Joseph Goldstein is one of my favorite speakers to listen to. He's repetitive, but so are the original texts. Here is his kind of epic 46 part talk over 5 years on the Satipatthana Sutta.
I always use a timer for formal practice for myself, 20 minute sits etc., the fact that I may sincerely need to do something else timewise (eat, bathroom, pay bills) or be actually hurting myself from a certain posture for too long will require my attention otherwise.
Also, the world outside of practice is hard, especially when the heart is open. I've found The way of the Superior Man and especially some torrentable live discussions of the authors to be the most useful perspective I've come across for trying to deal with practical reality & relationships.
Metta my friend, may your path be easy and true.
Try these books:
http://www.amazon.com/New-Psycho-Cybernetics-Maxwell-Maltz/dp/0735202850/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1293190801&sr=8-2 - This one teaches you that the way you act and what you are capable of is largely based on your self image.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1293190916&sr=1-1 - This one helps you to understand a lot of stuff about your masculine nature, and how it relates to female nature, and how the two compliment each other. Ignore the spirituality based explanations though, the real explanations of male vs female nature is rooted in evolutionary biology.
The first book is pretty long. Just reading it won't do much. You have to go back over it after you've read it and do all of the mental exercises. I'm only starting to do that now, but I have heard other people have improved their inner game by doing this.
This book isn't about game or getting laid, but yet after reading it I had an epiphany: game isn't about women, it's about me. Game used to feel like me vs women, like I had to master them. Now I realise my only enemy in getting good at game is myself. It is myself, not women that I need to master. This is the same with many things in life: running is about the runner, not his opponents or the track. Weightlifting isn't about the weights or the other competitors, it's about the weightlifter himself.
He who masters himself will reach his full potential, and no one can do more than that.
My husband is less stressed after his 12hr work days after reading this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334900113&sr=8-1
You said "tell me anything" so I'd like to try to be helpful.
Btw, I am a guy, was cheated on multiple times by my first wife. Am happy with my 2nd wife now.
As I see it:
First, let me affirm that your sexual desire as a man is completely legitimate, right and proper you should never make excuses for it, nor apologize for it in any way.
Not every expression of this desire is right, however. In marrying your wife, she was entrusted as the sole partner for outlet of that desire. Marriage is not an excuse, imo, to not try to beguile or seduce or otherwise convince your wife to have sex (convince her in a way that she would like it, too)
I do think there were some other comments about re-igniting this desire and I think it's important to investigate that. Have you tried? Are you interested in trying, or is there some built-up frustration there? There comes a point when 'trying to re-ignite the spark' can and should become 'seeking counseling together'. If one or both of you are harboring pent up bad feelings, it might be there already, what do you think?
One book I loved on this subject is the ill-titled "Way of the Superior Man". It's a very simple, mostly palatable intuitive instruction guide for man about how to "be the man" towards women without being unethical. A lot of its instruction is about the counter-intuitive nature of attraction. It's the closest thing I've found to a seduction book without actually being a seduction book. I've even had several lesbian friends comment on how good its thinking is.
I definitely prefer the voice and tone of Quiet by Susan Cain, it felt more relatable to me, but if you treat Dr Aron's book as what it is, one of the earliest results in the fairly recent field of HSP studies, it's a valuable resource, though I admit the tone might not be for everyone.
Yep, I am definitely an introvert as well.
I found this book very insightful and taught me introversion has it's own strengths that are currently devalued/undervalued in our societies:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Also, I just avoid crowds at this point. I simply came to terms with my introversion and that large crowds were not where I felt comfortable. Just the mere presence of too many people is oppressive. Unlike some other people in the world I chose to leave the party instead of demanding the party make me feel safe and comfortable.
For example; you go to a bar or restaurant and they were playing the music a little too loud. So, the guests talk a little louder to talk over the music and the table next to them talks a little louder to hear over the music and the other table, and so on, and so on. Eventually it feels like the entire place is yelling at each other just because they all want to be heard and I am over in the corner thinking "This is way too fucking loud..."
Now, make all that talking into emotion/ego driven posturing and shit testing common to mating rituals today and that is a bit of what it is like to be an empath at a party. There is a whole second layer of noise we have to deal with.
I imagine many on this board are also introverts so I would recommend "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. It's a popular science book about introversion, that helped me understand and better accept that part of my personality. There is a lot of misunderstanding about what extro-introversion actually is, and this can really help you and people around you understand.
"Gandhi: An Autobiography - The Story of My Experiments With Truth" by (you guessed it) Mahatma Gandhi. I read this many years ago, and it is a honest book based around Gandhi's philosophy of truth. His struggles both inwards and outwards are quite inspiring.
Incidentally, a couple of years ago there was a lesser scandal about him being a sex addict (how dare you be a non-violent activist synbol with a sex drive!), but he discusses that part of his life quite openly in the book. No fuss. He got it under control by meditating and trying different diets, if I remember correctly.
Yes this exists and it is important that this type of people exist. Sure you can improve your conversational skills, but you do not have to try to be an extrovert.
One book that helped me a lot to see things more clearly is from Susan Cain - Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. She explains the differencies between introverts and extroverts, the situations they thrive on and the differences between introverted and extroverted leadership.
/r/socialskills + this book should help. To the extent that Social interaction is uncomfortable, /r/socialskills should help. But everybody has their limits in social settings, and there is nothing wrong with coming across as someone who lacks confidence. Instead of working with your girlfriend to change who she is, it would probably be helpful to accept and appreciate that most people--even those who are loud and proud--are not really good at communicating, and that the world has far too many good listeners.
>Can a shy person excel in nursing?
Yes of course, as long as your shyness doesn't interfere with patient care and safety!
> Any advice for overcoming this?
I'm pretty shy and have some social anxiety and this mostly comes out in personal social situations. When at school or work - I just fake it. I know that sounds so simple but that's really all I do. I basically am an actress. Not being my "true self" relieves most of my shyness/insecurity/anxiety.
> I want to be good with people & dealing with their emotions & illnesses but as of right now I can't even do basic small talk. Any advice would be strongly appreciated.
If it is this debilitating - you should talk to a counselor/therapist. What you are dealing with is a VERY COMMON issue among humans and there are TONS of therapies/skills/books/etc that are for people in your situation. Therapist can help you recognize strengths in your personality/shyness and identify areas in which you could develop to reach your full potential. You don't need to become an extrovert to be a successful nurse.
I suggest this book: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking It really helped me accept myself and that my introversion was valuable.
There's a book you need to read.
It's called Quiet by Susan Cain. Susan is an attorney herself, and she gave one of the most meaningful, moving TED talks I've ever watched. The point of this book for you is to help you be OK with yourself in a society that values extroversion far too much, and how you can move forward in life with that new knowledge.
I also feel in hindsight I've had one of the strongest emotional reactions to her book in the first 15 pages that any other book I've read in my life. It was like she knew me better than anyone, myself included. This book made me feel 100% OK with myself, especially after spending more than a decade in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship.
HEY! EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT!
I've gone through bouts of similar thought processes and usually it's pretty difficult to dig yourself. There's no one thing that anything can say to brighten the situation or your outlook. Still, this book helped me find a bit of focus and perspective (http://www.amazon.com/The-Defining-Decade-Twenties-Matter-And/dp/0446561754), though it has nothing to do with existentialism.
It can be a bit corny at times, but overall it offers some pretty practical advice.
Hmmm. Stumbled upon this sub, like, 3 hours ago, and I'm hooked.
So, Monday was an okay day. I got up early enough and had some time with Rising Sun Bro and myself before my family woke up.
Around 3-ish plopped down on the computer and hunted for game soundtracks (Kirby Nightmare in Dreamland FTW).
After that I studied chemistry 15 minutes, and got bored, really really, quick. Walked in to the desktop and read up some Naruto until 7.
At 7:30 jogged about a half km and played some intense football and basketball until 10.
Ran up and down 7 flights of stairs and took a shower before sinking in with my Kindle and a nice read of Defining Decade.
I should really start studying harder.
Hmm. You seem to see a future with this guy, which implies serious decisions like co-habitation, marriage, children, etc. He sounds like he's more focused on living in the now, which is fine, for him.
Consider this: Is there any evidence he (and for that matter, you) is working toward achieving your future goals, or are they just sweet nothings to keep you satiated while he perfects his K/D ratio on COD?
You're not being a "heartless bitch." I'd say your concerns point to a very heartfelt feeling. You want your boyfriend to improve educationally for himself, and you want to keep things moving relationship-wise for the both of you. Unless you start making ultimatums and harranguing him without calmly explaining your reasons why (for example), you haven't nearly crossed into "bitch" territory.
Now, while he's working two jobs (how long can a man keep that up, btw?), smoking ganja, drinking the Dew, and gaming, what are you doing? You seemingly implied you're in Uni, and I'm guessing you're pursuing other things in your life, based on the overall candor of your post. In the next few years you'll start changing as a person, and if he stays the same, something's going to give.
I don't mean to frighten you or anything, but there's a good possiblity you're dating someone who's perfect for you right now,but, as you've rightly began to see, may not be the perfect guy for you to settle down with. That's okay. It's part of growing up.
Take some time to think about the future from a variety of different scenarios and decide if the real him can be a part of your ideal future.
Also, I'd highly reccomend you read The Defining Decade, or at least listen to author Meg Jay's TEDTalk. I think you're starting to grasp the issues that affect many 20-somethings, myself included, and it can give you a good perspective on some of the things you're clearly beginning to think about w/r/t your future.
Good luck!
26F, married, known a long time, maybe not that experienced. I'm also not "living the lifestyle" - I don't do a lot of active dating, but we're defacto open and I don't need to ask for permission. I don't feel trapped or restricted. It's good.
I found "The Defining Decade" helpful in answer the question "WTF am I supposed to be doing?!". I'd recommend it, it's short.
I think you just have to make the best decisions you can with the information you have, that are most consistent with your values and long-term goals. Nobody knows those better than you.
I read a book by a gal named Meg Jay about this. It was extremely helpful, a friendly read and practical. I don't read much but I loved it.
https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754
Thank You for Arguing -- It's sort of a Cliff's Notes for rhetoric. Really interesting stuff.
The Definitive Book of Body Language -- If you practice a bit, these tells can really come in handy
The Definitive Book of Body Language
I believe is this book "How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" instead? I have read the "how to win friends and influence people" It is absolute amazing.
100% agree with you!
Try reading this book.
A few books I found really helpful:
That's me. I can't talk to anybody, really. I never have shit to say and most convos end fast. Whether it be a relative, a friend, a girl, professor, anything.
I've been trying to practice on cashiers and just random people I see around but I really just can't think of anything.
Been thinking of buying this book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
"How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie is a book that is decades old, but still useful. It's probably the most famous book of its type ("how to talk to people"). Literally over a dozen million copies have been sold. Check out some of the reviews on Amazon.
"How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" by Leil Lowndes is also a great book. I have read part of this book before and it offers extremely useful tips. It's also easy to read as the author provides great anecdotes to explain the tips and to help you easily recall them. This one is more recent than Carnegie's book, which was published in 1936. I believe this book would be a better read because our society/culture is a little different from what it used to be back in 1936. Still, some claim that there are timeless pieces of advice in Carnegie's book, which is true but if you're only getting one, I'd get this second book instead.
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. It's basically an updated version of How To Win Friends and Influence People. Really helped me a lot.
Good luck!
All of these sound primarily like communication issues. Specifically, not communicating a detailed timeline in which you can accomplish the assigned work at your skill level. Even your writing style indicates a lack of effective communication skills (Poor sentence structure. Lacks coherence.). These soft skills are vitally important in being successful in highly technical fields.
Here are some tips on improving your communication with coworkers: https://www.yodiz.com/blog/learning-presentation-skills-from-steve-jobs-speech-and-keynotes/
This book is also decent: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
I would focus your efforts there, and approach your next opportunity with more positivity. A bad attitude about the work and the industry will cripple your career prospects, so you need to move past that.
OP, I definitely know that feel and then some. I would suggest however to keep practicing on girls while you're training. Just like many people did not naturally grow up to be in exceptional physical shape, many people did not naturally grow up to be exceptionally socially competent. However, a person can train to improve in both.
Find books/ebooks/PDFs on how to talk to people, on how to 'be an alpha male', on how to talk to women. Subscribe to /r/seddit, r/askseddit, /r/faimprovement, and maybe /r/socialskills. There's tons of resources on the internet now for people like us.
A side bonus of reading up on seduction and everything is that over time it helps with your general attitude and confidence with people. Whatever confidence you develop in merely talking to attractive people of the opposite gender will carry over into other areas of your life.
So a few key things that have helped me immensely:
http://postmasculine.com/posture
You don't actually have to do exercises to fix your posture if it's problematic, just practice standing up and walking straight and whatever exercises you do should help with it.
What helped me the most was paying attention to the speed that I speak at.
Edit: Also, check out /r/NoFap. I'm not going to claim that miracles will happen, but it definitely has helped me and a couple hundred other people on that subreddit.
One more thing, everything above can apply regardless of gender.
Note: I've only just started the book, but so far I'm already liking the tips and insights it's providing me. I'm practicing my smile timing constantly now.
Also, take my advice with a grain of salt, it's not like I have huge success with women, but these are the steps I'm taking to try to improve.
Harrastaa kannattais jotain ja siita se lahtee. Small talk toimii. Lue vaikka tama https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=007141858X&pd_rd_r=K5KHBCAXXSWMHSFZ5B5Y&pd_rd_w=u7nGc&pd_rd_wg=bwsv4&psc=1&refRID=K5KHBCAXXSWMHSFZ5B5Y
This tip is from the book "How to talk to anyone", it's a pretty good book, it has lots of tips like this one.
If you're walking in opposite directions the general procedure would be:
If you happen to be standing in line or walking in the same direction you can try starting from 3 then 1, 2 although she might be a bit bewildered as to why you are talking to her.
From there it's pretty much just establishing rapport with the explicit goal of getting contact info so you can meet with her again when she's not so busy and if you don't get this you may never see her again. Keep in your mind of course that last bit since even if you feel that you made a fool of yourself she's likely not going to remember you past that day if you fail.
PS To get some confidence/experience talking to strangers it might be helpful to get a job or volunteer for something that makes you exercise this skill. Working at a bar/restaurant, doing external calling for political or fundraising campaigns, or just joining a public speaking organization (e.g. Toastmasters) can help here.
Check out the book Crucial conversations.
You seem like a detail oriented intelligent reader, I think you could get a ton out of this book, but keep in mind the hard part is applying it.
Yep, sounds good. I read a number of books on the topic of negotiation and interpersonal communication. The main books which standout are Never Split the Difference and Crucial Conversations.
All these books have gems of information, at their core - they are really getting at two principles:
Outcome and purpose seem like the same thing, but they are actually different. The tools you mentioned seem to embody these principles.
As far as how they would work in an online community - who knows. It could strengthen dialogue, or it could seem over-bearing. It would be an interesting experiment to try to enforce these communication styles.
>Problems arising in development for which we have trouble finding or creating a good solution. This may take a few extra hours but in some cases it has taken days to figure some things out, and this is time that is 'unaccounted for' because these tasks have specific hours/points assigned to them.
This is an issue with planning. Things can and do happen, but if they are happening frequently you have an issue with planning.
One thing you can try to do is assign a 'champion' to each ticket during the first discussion. (backlog grooming usually) The champion is responsible for gathering all the needed information and essentially the go-to person for understanding what needs to be completed and all of the dependencies. This person should also work with product to break an epic or story into the appropriate scope and subtasks. If a problem does arise, this is the person responsible for working with relevant stake holders to come up with a potential solution to take to the group.
>Time spent going back and fixing previously-completed components when new components break them. Our app is comprised of many components that work off of each other and sometimes changes to one either break another one or require some further changes to other ones to prevent breakage.
This is another planning issue. if you have to frequently go back and fix stuff that was completed then you didn't accurately capture the dependencies. (or someone else released something without checking your dependencies. still an issue with planning, just maybe not yours)
This is harder to fix. a champion can alleviate this to a degree, but it depends on the nature of the dependency. either way, not enough communication is going on.
>From the UI side, going back and fixing/updating/improving components that were functionally in a completed state. This one doesn't take up much time, but it is still not 'tasked' time.
Then task it. you should be capturing as much of your work on paper as possible.
if UI is outside of your team, it should be accounted for as a dependency the team is responsible for.
Again, not enough communication is going on. UI people should be part of your planning and you should be accounting for this time.
>The biggest problem comes when we have to make changes to multiple components simultaneously because they share functionality or work together, and this appears to cause a delay because 'neither of them are being completed on schedule'.
guess what I'm going to say. :p
sounds like you need to work with your SM to re-establish communication chains. they aren't there.
>We are all talented developers and we know what we are doing, but the seemingly 'results-driven' approach of SCRUM is not making a lot of sense to us right now, and morale is low.
your SM doesn't know what he's doing, sadly. Sounds like a converted PM that hasn't crested the learning curve yet. It sucks that Morale is low. You can do things to help him out and keep morale high. unfortunately this also depends on his willingness to accept the fact he doesn't know what he's doing.
You should really sit down with your SM and talk to him about this. It's his job to remove impediments. low morale is an impediment. how do your retro's go?
One of my favorite stories to tell, is one of the first retro's I was observing. (normally only the team should be present, but we made an exception for training purposes. I was there to observe, not to add) The company I was at was in the middle of a transition to Agile. They weren't prepared to hire dedicated SMs, so we were training within and having volunteers be SMs on teams temporarily.
Anyway, during the course of the retro, the team talked about how the current SM was not meshing well with the team, and wasn't really embodying Agile/Scrum as everyone else understood it. They decided in the Retro that the SM wasn't right for the team, and they needed a new one. So that's what they did, switched SMs right in the middle of the retro.
>Sometimes unexpected and time-consuming shit happens, and tasks cannot be completed 100% in one sitting. It just doesn't make sense to me. Can someone please explain how to handle these scenarios?
This largely depends on the group and the environment. if things are changing as frequently as you say, and they always will, then you should explore other models than Scrum. Specifically lean/kanban is better suited to volatile environments.
Within Scrum, when an event occurs that drastically changes the scope of a sprint you're supposed to bust the sprint. This is, by design, a painful process. you should immediately go into retrospective. talk about what went wrong. go into planning and re-establish baseline. figure out what the team can get done with this new information and restart the iteration.
Again, this is painful by design because it is a last resort. if these events happen frequently, then there's something else going on that needs to be addressed and talked about. mostly because you lose two days every time you bust a sprint. it paints a giant target on you that screams 'we didn't have our crap together. so now we have to go back and get our crap together' and no-one likes that. This is the main mechanism used to 'force' a team to fix their problems. granted, most SMs and most companies don't bust sprints even when things are going very poorly. but this is what scrum has in place for what you described. (so start doing it.)
In reality, Scrum tries to prevent these scenarios by enforcing better habits around planning and commitments. if you're new to scrum, or don't understand it yet, this can be extremely chaotic as Scrum assumes you have certain things already worked out. Scrum training generally does a woefully inadequate job of explaining this. the point is to highlight your main problem areas so you can fix them.
It's doing that very well. you've identified your time sinks. have some problems. Scrum's job is done. now it's your turn. talk about the issues as a team and figure out a solution based on the context of your environment (team/project/company/organization).
-------------
Recommended reading:
Phoenix Project: https://www.amazon.com/Phoenix-Project-DevOps-Helping-Business/dp/0988262509
Crucial Conversations: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/
Lean from the Trenches: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Trenches-Managing-Large-Scale-Projects/dp/1934356859/
When you're ready for something more advanced:
Tribal Leadership: https://www.amazon.com/Tribal-Leadership-Leveraging-Thriving-Organization/dp/0061251321/
Toyota Production System: https://www.amazon.com/Toyota-Production-System-Beyond-Large-Scale/dp/0915299143/
Lean Software Development: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Software-Development-Agile-Toolkit/dp/0321150783/
Note: This last book is 'advanced' mostly because of price. It's worth it.
I found this to be helpful not only with difficult superiors but with challenging staff/parents.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition (Business Books) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_xFYYzbSQM904J
You're welcome. I am an introvert and I see that even other introverts misunderstand what it means to be an introvert.
If you liked that link you're going to love this book https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153 .
Everyone falls somewhere on the Introvert to Extrovert scale (To very broadly summarize, introverted tends to mean you enjoy quieter things, less excitement, smaller social groups, etc. and extroverted tends to mean the opposite). You might be more naturally towards the introverted side.
There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. You just like different things, and feel energized from different activities. I tend to be more on the introverted side too, and I found a lot of comfort in a book I read recently: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
So, I've never read this book, but you might be interested in the book quiet. The gist is that our society over values extroverts. If you're an extrovert, it's easier to express confidence and impress people socially and land an interview. Introverts have to be successful almost based on merit alone, and that's hard when you're starting off your career. So, my recommendation? Fake being an extrovert occasionally. It's going to suck. But it will make it easier for you to accomplish the job friends and girlfriend bit. Don't do it all the time, because you wants friends and a girlfriend who like you for you. But do it enough just to get yourself out there.
If you're an introvert, you should definitely read this book! I feel like I understand and accept myself much better now :) Even if you're not an introvert, I think it's a good read.
Send them a copy of Quiet. http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
I disagree, tell people you're not interested in it. Be straight up, don't try to lie, if people want to pressure you then they don't deserve your time. If the person respects you, then they won't try to pressure you.. If they respect you, they won't try to change who you are.
This does take some explaining to them though.
For me I tell people, "I appreciate the invite. I'm not really into parties, but it doesn't mean I don't think you shouldn't or can't have fun at them, they just aren't for me. I'm an introvert. Large groups make me anxious and I feel too drained from them. I'm down with smaller groups though, so let's go to a park, or go long boarding some time. Hell we can even go skydiving."
There's nothing wrong with you, don't feel bad about not liking parties. I spend most of my time alone, that's when I'm most comfortable and most happy. Learn to love yourself, and know it's ok to be different from people.
The following books were really great for me to start accepting myself for who I am and to learn to love myself.
Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0307352153/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1462836332&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=quiet+the+power+of+introverts+in+a+world+that+can%27t+stop+talking&dpPl=1&dpID=41m0N7IIcsL&ref=plSrch
Mastery of love is specifically about relationships, but you should keep in mind you also have a relationship with yourself as well.
http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Love-Practical-Relationship-Toltec/dp/1878424424
Sadly, there are many self-centered people in all cultures who are quick to judge you based on the first five seconds of interaction. I'm having a similar issue at work, despite the fact that I work with librarians! The Introvert Advantage have a few chapters that deal specifically with workplace interactions. I also like Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.
Have you tried volunteering to organize extracurricular functions (e.g. parties, post-work happy hours, etc.)? Or joining an office pool/team?
my god building social circles and framing the academic authority as someone you share interests with raises student morale and grades? SHOCK.
big kudos mr. lenk. i especially appreciate what you said about an introverted quiet person taking on the role, i think that's an incredibly important point.
you should check out quiet, a book exactly about this point. it actually may give you some insight into the more introverted students and how to balance their strengths in the classroom where more often than not the extroverts and gregarious students take the shine pretty often.
anyway, well done.
As an add-on to the above, BUY THIS BOOK: Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Foward
It will shed an enormous amount of light onto what you've been experiencing. You have no obligation to this woman and she is manipulating you into feeling an incapacitating amount of guilt regarding a situation you handled like a mature adult.
I was in a similar situation (just exited it, actually). Broke up with a woman I'd been seeing for a couple years, yet didn't completely sever contact because she didn't feel it was right. That was a HUGE mistake. She spent the better part of a month just unloading guilt and sadness onto me, to the point in which it began to consume my being. Believe me, it's worse when you were in an actual romantic relationship with the person, they have a lot more ammo.
You owe this person nothing. You can choose to go no contact, and this is what YOU MUST DO if you value your sanity. It seriously is the only option. I learned this the hard way after disconnecting and reconnecting half a dozen times.
Please feel free to message me if you have any questions. Heck, I'd even send you my copy of the book if you want.
what every body is saying is a good read for starters
you can find it here
48 Laws of Power would be a great starting point.
You may also find some value in the likes of The Game for learning charisma and attractiveness. There's also a [pretty incredible TV series](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pickup_Artist_(TV_series) about the same topic. This scene is/was full of douchebags of course, but there are lessons here to be learned.
What Every Body is Saying for mastery of body language. This WILL change the way you interact with others, as you start to read what they are doing as they do it and respond accordingly.
The granddaddy of persuasion is Influence. I am reading this for the third time right now and it is just packed with powerful tools you can use in business and in life.
Oh it should go without saying that How To Win Friends and Influence People is essential reading for any entrepreneur. I use lessons I learned from this book every time I deal with an unhappy client or contractor.
Wow that is actually hard. I've read 10+ books on it over the past few months and it is actually hard to remember which was which. A few that stick out where a couple by Joe Navarro: What Every BODY is Saying and Louder Than Words.
I also really liked The Power of Eye Contact.
Edit: Oh, also: Crime Signals.
What Every Body Is Saying is the book that I would recommend to start with.
It's called "What Every BODY is Saying". For some reason, I feel like if you get a title like that wrong, you aren't understanding what's in the book.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294
To OP, I'd suggest making her laugh and asking her questions about abstract stuff.
What Every Body is Saying - Joe Navarro
It's not really psychology focused, but I found it to be a very fun and interesting read. It's also highly relative to my everyday life (at 18 years old) and it's pretty fun manipulating these forms of body language to influence others, as well as interpreting other peoples' tells. It also explores into why people typically display that body language based on what their emotions are and the limbic system.
I'll go first:
Some time ago I read this book. "What Everybody is Saying" a book on bodylanguage by an ex FBI agent. Here's the link on amazon http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294 It was a very fun read.
So now, for fun and practice when I'm surronded by people or talking to someone I pay atention to every detail on their body language, and try to change mine accordingly sometimes to mess with them or ease the interaction.
Try it.
Edit: a word
I have the second book. It's ok. Not bad, not great. Mostly common sense stuff.
I've got the following in my Amazon cart:
Game over: Strategies for Redirecting Inmate Deception https://www.amazon.com/dp/1569911606/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OUTzzbNSPJ44J
Officer Survival for Correctional Officers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542616654/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XVTzzbZPAWNW5
And
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061438294/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OWTzzbVRZZNBG
I also want to read Verbal Judo. I've got a copy of "Conflict Communication" that I need to finish reading. It's just really dry. I can't get in to it.
What OP describes in his post isn't cold reading. Cold reading is...
> Cold reading is a set of techniques used by mentalists, psychics, fortune-tellers, mediums and illusionists to determine or express details about another person, often to imply that the reader knows much more about the person than the reader actually does.
(Source: Google)
It's what Derren Brown does to tell people what colour their curtains and carpet are. It's a trick and whilst fun to do to people in pick-up, has limited value in the real world.
If however you're talking about reading peoples body language to get a feeling for how positive and negative stress emotions display themselves, I highly recommend Joe Navaro's What everbody is saying.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415069476&sr=8-1&keywords=what+every+body+is+saying
That book is a great starting point and actually an invaluable resource to get to grip with the basics of body language, which DOES have value in the real world.
This. One of my worst book purchases. I'd recommend What Every BODY is Saying.
It's the (mostly) objective kind of thing you'd probably like, and it'll help you adapt conversations based on body language. It's not like HtWF&IP, where the goal is "hhhehehe, got ya now, sucker." Lying and manipulation is for assholes.
It's more, "hold up, this person isn't responding well, even though they're acting happy, try something different. Ahhh, I've explained myself better, maybe added a bit of compromise, now we're on the same page"
Not enough info.
You'd be better off reading, "what every body is saying", by Dan Navarro. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061438294
Fuck it man, I feel like dropping a bunch of tips I have off the top of my head. Disorganized style.
I was a complete loner up until middle school. Found some guys that picked on me, but otherwise let me hang around them. I was the butt of their jokes, but that was enough for the attention. Then highschool came around, blah blah blah, really my point is, I know what lonely feels like. I haven't been long-term lonely for ages, but its a familiar feeling when it hits and I haven't talked to any friends for a week or I get left behind on weekend plans.
Here's my tips, in no particular order. This isn't a prescription, this isn't goddamn instructables. Also, I'm going to assume you're a man. Well, today you're a boy, but what you want to be is a man. (not like manly vs womanly, but like manly vs childish)
Where should you start? I want you to read
this. specifically (and if its the only part you read that's good enough) part in the very beginning titled "MEET STYLE". Yes, the book is The Game. It is a super controversial book on the seduction community, and take it with a huge fucking grain of salt. Ultimately though, the book offers a great way to approach a problem of social frustration, but the specific 'seduction' methods are a mix of misguided and out of date.(That's not the section I remember reading, I'll try to find what I was thinking of, its some manifesto to self improvement) It was the one book that kicked off changing my social environment entirely. I now feel successful, happy, and confident to talk to any strangers and develop new friends. Also, no exceptions, watch the 1999 film Fight Club.MAKE TODAY THE DAY YOU FOUND THE RABBIT HOLE; TAKE THE RED PILL.
Book: What Every Body is Saying - Joe Navarro
Podcast: You Are Not So Smart
YouTube Series: Practical Psychology
Social Psychology seems to be what you're looking for
GREAT book: http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1382718784&sr=8-3&keywords=how+to+read+people
I love how you pointed out his crossed arms. This is a defensive signal, showing that the interlocutor feels threatened (the limbic system says "I feel threatened, protect your vital organs", and he subconsciously covers his belly), and thus it was a good time to bring the conversation to a close.
Helpful reading: https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-Body-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/
The Sociopath Next Door is a pretty fascinating book on Sociopaths.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370808043&sr=1-1&keywords=the+sociopath+next+door
From a functional standpoint, there isn't much need to pin down sociopathy vs. psychopathy if he has a diagnosis of ASPD. In addition, you mention that he never actually killed anyone, and that's actually the norm for sociopaths/psychopaths. Very very few kill people. You might want to read this book about the sociopaths we encounter in our daily lives, as well as this other book about living with toxic parents and how to heal from the trauma they inflict. I particularly recommend the second book, I have recommended it to many of my patients (I'm a social worker) as well as friends and I have read it myself, it helped me cope with being raised by parents with subclinical narcissistic personality disorder in an emotionally abusive home.
I was reading a book about sociopaths and the author said that when asked, one particular sociopath told her what he wanted from people was pity so he could manipulate them.
[https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+sociopath+next+door&qid=1564281679&s=gateway&sr=8-18]
Tigers can't change their stripes.
Why Does He Do That?
The Sociopath Next Door
These two, if you haven't read them, are game changers. And your friend will need a copy on standby.
Tigers can't change their stripes.
Read this book Psychopaths are rarely serial killers. They are more often teachers, doctors, psychologists, CEO's, and politicians bc they love power.
> he’s not a “psychopath” like some Joker wannabe, he’s just very outwardly charming and pleasant while having absolutely zero regard for people.
Reminds me of the book The Sociopath Next Door, which asserts that there are plenty of low-key sociopaths out there, and that they're equally likely to be dumb or lazy as the general population. (As opposed to a Machiavellian Evil Overlord.)
> Take a quick jaunt to prison if you wanna see how “unwanted babies” end up.
People with antisocial personality disorder represent 4% of the general population, according to the book 'The Sociopath Next Door. The percentage of people with antisocial personality disorder in prisons is as high as 80%. And it's not just antisocial personality disorder that is inheritable. Narcissistic personality disorder is as well, along with probably the rest of the cluster B personality disorders.
So people absolutely need to think long and hard before birthing the child of a rapist.
This is a really interesting read on the prevalence of sociopaths in our society. From bosses to neighbors to colleagues to politicans, I recommend it if you're interested in the subject from a doctors standpoint.
Have you read/listened to Charles Manson Now? It's pretty fascinating. I listen to the True Murder podcast while I'm at work, and I found out about it there. The audiobook isn't that spectacularly read, but it's interesting to say the least.
For Civil War historical fiction, I fell in love with the Sarah Prine series - These is my Words is the first in that series.
An interesting psych one would be The Sociopath Next Door
I will definitely have to check out James Ellroy! Thank you for the suggestions :)
Good Question,
Short answer; They won't be remedied and we will have problems if we just cut instead of reforming or reducing them, however the rest of the comments explain why they cost too much and the fact something needs to be done.
Long answer; We can't afford them as they currently exist, and they are examples of the federal bureaucracy that has inflated over the years. Unfortunately, most libertarians forget that other people are not principled ethical people like themselves and can't rationalize that society will devolve into savagery if we just ran a libertarian 'free market' system with no ethical controls from the government. They forget that there are cheats, criminals and douchebags that will lie, cheat and steal, and they are the very people that we want out of political office and some of the CEO's of major corporations. They ignore that we are an increasingly connected society and it just takes one or two unethical people to take down entire sectors of our world, and screw over a lot of innocent people now.
I.E. biggest guy, biggest stick rules, back to the feudal days.
While he'll do alot of the same things as Ron Paul, I'm voting for Gary Johnson as I believe he's just a touch more realistic than Ron Paul, or should I say he's not touched in the head.
I do like that the discourse has been raised, just not the way it got the attention of the public.
First, good post OP ... much food for thought and quality discussion, thanks
Next: Most people here don't seem to realize that extensive testing suggests 4% of the population fall under the 'sociopathic' tag. In fact that's such a high percentage it has been suggested that "sociopaths" are considered their own 'type' of humans! (Not even ALL "lgbt" people combined make up 2%!)
https://www.quora.com/What-percentage-of-people-are-psychopaths-sociopaths
The Sociopath Next Door is a book by a Harvard professor discussing this, and she's far from alone, just google "sociopaths 1 in 25 people"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767915828/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0767915828&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwviolentkicom
Personality disorders
This is really the only answer:
This link supports Charity Water too
>Do it myself
Great idea. Learn to be an animator. There's software (Flash/Photoshop/other) to both draw your animations and then generate sprite sheets, so the process shouldn't take weeks. Here's a list of resources I recommend for animation:
>but artists (understandably) don't usually donate their time for internet strangers with the promise of a payout down the road
This wasn't true in my case. I posted an ad on /r/gamedevclassifieds as a coder and got three talented artists emailing me with work they've done.
I'm pretty new myself, but after reading this I felt I learned more about these concepts in a week than I had after years on my own: http://www.amazon.com/The-Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles/dp/086547897X
I guess it's pretty much a classic, but having no animator friends or contacts I had no one to point out the must-haves until I stumbled across this subreddit. One of those wish-I-knew-years-ago things. Arcs, motion ease, all that stuff is covered in that book.
Have him check out these e-books
http://www.animationmentor.com/resources/ebooks/
The other musts would be "The Illusion of Life" and "Animation Survival Kit" and I'd say "The Nine Old Men."
https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X
Animator's Survival Kit is easily the most recommended book in motion circles. It's more about traditional animation than mograph though.
That's just the art of moving. If you want to learn type/layout/color you need to look at traditional design books like /u/gusmaia said. I can't recommend any books on that because I learned most of that hands on in the classroom, but Meg's History of Graphic Design is a great book on advertising ideas.
https://www.amazon.com/Meggs-History-Graphic-Design-Philip/dp/1118772059
Alright, first thing you're gonna wanna do is chill out, it's gonna seem intimidating at first but once you really get into it it'll be second nature to ya.
First thing I'd recommend is finding a process that works for you, if you're not comfortable with Adobe then try out some other programs, I personally recommend Krita, it's a pretty simple program to operate not too advanced but provides the tools needed to make some good frame by frame animation, it's free too, which is always a plus. But there's also other alternatives like ToonBoom [good but pricey, so I've heard] and OpenToons [free] that are more advanced. Maybe take advantage of some free trials and see what you're most comfortable with.
You said you can't see the previous frame when moving to a new one, you have to enable onion skins which shows a silhouette of the previous drawing so you have something to reference.
Another thing you're probably gonna want to do is familiarize yourself with the process, check out a few videos on Youtube about animation, this one right here goes pretty well in depth on the twelve principles. I also recommend the Animator's Survival Kit, and so will most other animators [It's a really good book that goes way in depth on the whole process].
And the number one most important thing I can say is this, just keep animating. Practice as much as you can. I can sit here all day recommending books, videos, and software, but the thing you're gonna learn from the most is experience. So animate, find the methods you're most comfortable with, and make something with them, it doesn't necessarily even need to be good, it just needs to be a learning experience.
It's like exercising a muscle, the more you work at it the stronger it gets.
​
I hope this helps in some way.
Thanks for posting this! Best book you could ever own.
http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1457472539&sr=1-1&keywords=animator%27s+survival+kit+richard+williams
The background ‘cels’ were normally hand painted and created with more detail that were traditionally static or limited in movement.
The foreground pieces were limited in color palette (no highlights/shadows) due to the complex movement of the characters.
Typically, animation filmed at 24fps (frames per second) was shot in twos, meaning for every second of animation the camera ‘shot’ the image twice. So there were typically twelve drawings that required ink and paint and for the sake of production time they obviously limited their colors.
Source: studied animation in college.
A great reference is the late Richard Williams’ book ‘The Animator’s Survival Kit.’
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fbsLDbTXACC5M
Animation is an art and good animation requires a strong understanding on how things move. A good resource for making both convincing and interesting animation is the Disney Bible: https://www.amazon.com/Illusion-Life-Disney-Animation/dp/0786860707/ and another: https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/. But realistically it takes years to understand and make good animation. That's outside of the learning required with tools (such as Maya).
If he doesn't know the principles of animation he should learn them and then your critiques should be focused around 1) does the animation meet the intention -- ie is it usable and 2) how can the animation be improved to make it more interesting and believable.
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2ThRCbE2RYN8J
Get your hands on this. You can’t go wrong with Richard Williams. If I could only recommend one book about animation to someone it would be this one
Oh yeah, and since I seem to have written a couple other essays here, let me talk about the "how I learnt" part.
So yeah, watch lots of well-animated cartoons, single-step them and think about what they're doing. Watch and analyze video too! Animate, critique your own work, find people to critique it, critique their work, learn to detach your own ego from your work so all this criticism doesn't leave you a sobbing/angry mess. Find keyframes from masters, try inbetweening them, compare to the actual inbetweens. Get involved in group projects.
Flash really really tends to encourage a stiff paper-doll style of animation rather than providing useful tools to help you crank out the drawings. I've seen people do amazing things to work around it - a while back Pringle gave me a tour of the character setups he did for "Foster's" and my eyes popped out of my sockets - but it's a hell of a lot of work that requires arcane knowledge of Flash. Like I said, fool with Toon Boom or TVPaint instead. Or maybe
Animating is a LOT EASIER than it used to be, you can buy a cheap Wacom tablet for less than a hundred bucks and get software for a few hundred more, or for nothing if you're willing to compromise your morals, and have animation capabilities I could only dream of when I was a kid.
I mentioned the Preston Blair book above; it's still a major classic. I also highly recommend The Animator's Survival Kit; it's equally thorough. Both belong in any aspiring animator's library; what they teach you will help a ton in analyzing animation and making your own.
AND ALSO.
Here is a collection of the various exercises John Kricfalusi has given on his blog. THEY ARE AWESOME. He's bitched about being an unofficial school for the industry in the past, for good reason - he knows his stuff, and is passionate about passing it on. I learnt a lot hanging around his studio. You could do a lot worse than to start going down the list of drawing and animation exercises; they'll give you the mental tools to make stuff believably 3D.
This! Also, wanted to drop some resources that have helped me, though I have a specific style I enjoy.
Disney model sheets
You can find it online
Look up the pros in the field you enjoy, look for their teachings and what they studied to get there.
Was it "The Emotionally Absent Mother" or "Will I Ever Be Good Enough"?
Not sure of your gender, but for other RBN women I always recommend Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers -- it won't fix all the problems, but it's a great place to start even just to validate your feelings and experiences and how damaging they are. The Mother/Daughter dynamic has its unique aspects, and I imagine in general it's tough on kids whose narcissistic parent is the same gender because they're even more likely to want to treat you as an extension or reflection of themselves as opposed to a separate and autonomous person.
I've found a lot of support in this community so far, I hope you will too.
I recommend looking up Will I Ever Be Good Enough? and then working your way through the "customers who bought this item also bought" list lower on the page. I'm not sure what you deal with specifically, and it does vary even within this subreddit, but that "also bought" list has a lot of good stuff in it.
This book made so much sense to me! Really helped me set healthy boundaries and not have such an emotional response to the constant guilt tripping. The other books in my collection:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=nodl_
https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_
I frequently revisit these books when I’m struggling with things. Hang in there!
A book that really helped me is Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Dr. Karyl McBride. This book really breaks it down and gets to the bottom of a lot of our issues, then gives practical exercises you can do to work through them.
Books I recommend: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Emotional Blackmail.
As for finding a therapist, I would use your insurance provider's search and look up the offices and generally they should have a list of areas of expertise covered by their therapists. You want to look for descriptions like Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts, Codependency, Family Issues, and when he calls he can give a brief description like you mentioned in your post. They should be able to direct him to a counselor to set up a first appointment. Also, think of finding a therapist like finding a partner. The first person he meets might not be the best fit, and he doesn't have to keep going to them if he wants to find someone he feels more comfortable with.
Good luck to you both!
Yes! I recommend his book:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_oS7VBb66HX0XW
It really helps validate how you’ve been feeling all a long. And yes, it does give advice on how to finally heal from the abuse. It really changed my perspective of it all, hope it helps!
Touching the face can indicate that the person is uneasy, lying, or has an itch. You need to read this action together with other 'micro expressions' if you want to get closer to their real intentions.
Try reading The Definitive Book of Body Language, It's essentially the de-facto book on body language.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553804723/ref=mp_s_a_1_sc_1?qid=1414003863&sr=8-1-spell&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70
I agree with marriage counselling. I'd suggest an approach that lines up with John Gottman's work - read 7 Principles. For yourself I'd also recommend MMSL or the website, http://marriedmansexlife.com/ .
I've had my share of issues as well so I hope this stuff that I've found on my journey helps.
Remind myself:
Lastly, for relationship, check out John Gottman's work on The Four Horseman, Repair Attempts, Soft Startup. It's good stuff for dealing with conflict peacefully in relationship. His book 7 Principles of Making Marriage work I found to be an invaluable resource for all relationships, including friendships, sibling, colleagues, and romantic relationships. Most of the principles (eg, repair attempts and soft startup) are universal. Here's a good summary
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman (aka the love doctor). We just booked our photographer for the engagement/wedding photos and they sent us this book as a gift! This book has some fun questionnaires to go through together as a couple.
FH and I (we've been together nearly 8 years now) had a relationship meltdown last year because of our 2-week overseas trip that led to short-term couples counseling. After 4 sessions, we figured out what went wrong (ie. different expectations and lack of communication... of course it was communication) and have a better understanding of each other. We're considering those sessions as our pre-marital counseling. :)
John and Julie Gottman have written several books on the topic.
From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
On the other side of the coin, Gottman talks about The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which he says are predictors for divorce:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work was a great read. I didn't need all the "I can predict divorce with astounding accuracy!" claims - the book itself was great. It has really concrete examples of good and bad male/female behavior, how to recognize it, and now to break out of the cycle. It also very accurately discussed how there are just long term, unresolveable conflicts in any marriage. No two personalities will completely match, so you need to learn to treat the friction with respect and patience.
Another super interesting book about emotional intelligence is Emotional Intelligence: and Why it can Matter More than IQ. I read this and suddenly the whole "but I'm being logical and you're just being emotional" accusation really took on a new meaning for me. The "logical" person probably has a low emotional intelligence and is probably the person who actually doesn't understand what the fight is about. I really recommend you read this one too. It will help broaden anyone's understanding of what it means to be a high functioning human being.
I would read Sue Johnson's book first: https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/ref=pd_cp_14_2/138-8589847-3436922?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=031611300X&pd_rd_r=2f4ed5bd-840c-4bbb-adc6-652388f56e6f&pd_rd_w=4HmQ0&pd_rd_wg=DQa4X&pf_rd_p=0e5324e1-c848-4872-bbd5-5be6baedf80e&pf_rd_r=VG2QRAS06FAFVBRR5Z3M&psc=1&refRID=VG2QRAS06FAFVBRR5Z3M
Then Gottman: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797,
Then Gottman: https://www.amazon.com/What-Makes-Love-Last-Betrayal-ebook/dp/B0061Q640C.
​
There is a huge gap in Gottman's teaching about how to avoid flooding and to attune to your partner that Johnson covers in great depth. When I read Hold Me Tight a bunch of the stuff in the Gottman books clicked for me.
Being an introvert doesn't mean it's a static thing - just because you're okay being around one person doesn't mean you still don't need time for yourself.
This book is pretty good in explaining a lot of what being an introvert is, and working through it in relationships with other people. Both of your should read it.
I really liked "The Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.D. It spends a lot of time talking about the differences between extroverts and introverts (not shyness) and how deal with extroverted environments. I'm sure if you use Google you could even find .pdf's of it floating around out there.
First, it just sounds like you had shitty friends.
I am an introvert. I only have a close association with my ciswife, kids, and two work colleagues. I don't mind other people, but I do not depend on them, nor do I expect anything from them. HRT has not made me any more outgoing, more extroverted, but it has helped me be more emotionally honest with myself and others.
Needing alone time is a classic part of being introverted. Socializing drains us, and we need time to recharge.
https://www.meghantelpner.com/blog/being-an-introvert-in-an-extrovert-world/
https://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert-World/dp/0761123695
I recommend reading The Introvert Advantage which does a great job of breaking this down.
However, the TL;DR version is that introverts' neuropathways are differently laid out, making us more susceptible to over-stimulation, whereas extroverts get "hap-hits" (dopamine injection) from social situations. Our pleasure centers get off on quieter activities, or more intimate socializing, with the price of over-stimulation and exhaustion in more frenetic situations.
Therefore, after an over-stimulating exercise, we need time to recover, just like after studying for finals for a week, you need time to chill, party, play video games, whatever. Your brain just gets exhausted.
This might be the case for Introversion. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an Introvert. Just because you don't like socializing with large groups of people, doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. I'm an Introvert myself, and large, social situations overwhelm types of people like myself. We require smaller social environments to function 'normally' as some people might put it. For inevitable large gatherings, Intros can benefit from even five to ten minutes of solitude before returning to the chatty horde (bathroom breaks, getting food, having a solitary smoke, etc.). Honestly, I wish I could tell some of those people who encourage me to 'Socialize' more to suck a rail road spike. I know they're trying to help, but unless they understand Intros then they are just talking bull. If you feel comfortable with solitude (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH BEING A RECLUSIVE SOCIAL OUTCAST) or small groups of people then so be it. Don't let others influence you to be a part of something you feel too uncomfortable with. I recommend a book I read once called: The Introvert advantage. It explains how to understand and utilize introversion to your advantage should you need it. As Stephen Marley sings in his song: Can't keep I down, 'The deepest rivers never make a sound'. Don't be afraid to be silent. Sometimes we just like to listen more than talk.
Edit 1: So here's a link for the book if anyone's interested. I'm posting this to help, not for any kind of profit gain:http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0761123695
Well, I think that I've always known, even if I didn't know the name for it. The biggest change to my attitude about it came when I read the book The Introvert Advantage: How To Thrive In An Extrovert World which I recommend to all introverts. I think that I read it shortly after it came out, so I must have been in my low-30s at that point.
What it explained, and what I finally took to heart is:
If there's really interest in other things I've learned, I'd be happy to start a thread. I just can't right now.
Thank you so much for this thread, u/pastelchi, and this reply, u/innermostenergon. I'm so sorry you've gone through all that, innermostenergon. :-(
> Don't you respect his integrity and his dignity when he says he loves you and wants you?
This is a really good point, and I think it's the same one that yellsatdumbasses was getting at, too. I never really put myself in his shoes and thought through what the consequence of the "But he doesn't really mean it when he says he loves me..." nonsense is, but yep, that's it. It's both disrespecting his integrity and dignity, and basically assuming he'd lie just to not be alone.
> Don't you think he at least deserves time with you?
And this resonates with me, too: I am not this what I become sometimes. Yes, he deserves time with the real me. So do I. That may not have been what you meant, but that's the way that's helpful for me.
OP, you might have a look at this book which has helped me start to heal from my abusive mother.
If narcissistic personality disorder is in fact what you're dealing with, I strongly recommend you read this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_iDOVCbCKJJ482
Even through aimed at daughters, there is still a great deal of value in it for sons.
You shouldn't feel guilty. I was made to feel the same way about myself, but my mantra is "living well is the best revenge", because despite everything that my mother had done to me to make me feel like I'd never amount to anything, I have a wonderful life. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself, which means you need to take a step back and maybe see a counselor. If you want to start with maybe reading a good book on the topic, start with "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" : https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 You are NOT to blame for the way you were raised.
It is extremely hard to live with the consequences of being raised by an NMom, I know. I still have to deal with it - there's nothing like feeling guilty about picking your mom up for Thanksgiving dinner from the low-income senior citizens apartment complex (she took out a reverse mortgage and blew through all the money after my dad passed) in a brand-new $50k SUV. Trust me. You just have to take it one day at a time and build yourself a good support network. I do suggest that you see a doctor though, it sounds like you had a pretty good anxiety attack. I had one like that about 17 years ago that caused me to re-evaluate much of my life. I spent about 3 years on medication to help with it. I no longer take anything though, and now I maybe get mini- anxiety attacks about once every other year, but nothing I can't deal with without the meds. I find that yoga is a huge help.
I am still VERY limited contact with my mom. Talk to her maybe once a month and have her for dinner on holidays.
I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!
Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)
FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.
A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.
Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.
NON FICTION:
Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one
My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships
Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.
Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.
I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.
Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.
How To Win Friends and Influence People. I know it's an old book but it really is pretty helpful, and not just in the sales world.
A People's History of the United States,
Lies my Teacher Told Me,
Fair Game,
Anything by Noam Chomsky,
Garbage Warrior,
The Corporation,
The Men Who Stare at Goats,
Generation Kill,
Jesus Camp,
Super Size Me,
Control Room,
Century of the Self,
Connections,
How to Argue and Win Every Time,
How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Shock Doctrine, Network, Trade, Traffic, Lord of War, Blood Diamond, The Dark Side of Chocolate,Spin, Bullworth, Collapse, Guns, Germs and Steel, Bill Hicks: Revelations, Why We Fight, Hotel Rwanda, The End of Poverty?, Food Inc., Occupation 101, The Hunting Party, The Power of Nightmares
Buy this.
How to Win Friends and Influence People. It took me a long time to consider that telling people they are wrong rarely helps others to see my point of view.
Not a biography but How to Win Friends and Influence People is a good read. It's more about self-improvement than inspiration, though.
one of the best books I've ever read about being a better person.
This Book has a cheesy title that I think would push a lot of engineers away from reading it but it's popular because it's full of common sense ideas/techniques for dealing with people in all sorts of situations.
That being said mackadoo hit the nail on the head, but that type of thinking comes within the aforementioned book.
Based on your story it sounds like they're used to things not being on plans and you walking around with the plans isn't making them feel confident nor experienced.
I'm sorry you have a hard time making friends with metalheads. Maybe a little reading would help you out.
Best book on how to do this is "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Follow this book and you will amass a huge network.
The full title is Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
It sounds like you might form "anxious" attachments to people. I do too! I hate it, but it's not something you can just turn off, otherwise neither of us would put ourselves through all the unhappiness that comes with it. However, I can offer you some resources for learning more about attachment theory.
One of my favorite bloggers, Dr. Emily Nagoski, has written a bit about attachment. Here's a good starting point on her blog: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/
Also, because I feel my anxious attachment style is holding me back, I just started reading this book (not an affiliate link). I picked it up from my city's library, and it's really interesting so far. I can't vouch for its ability to help me or others who don't form secure attachments, but it's been recommended to me by multiple people.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 . It'll help you in life in general.
Everyone has their own attachment style that dominates how they approach romantic relationships. It sounds like you're "anxiously attached" - you crave closeness, but fear you'll lose it, and any sign of trouble in a relationship feels like a disaster. Each partner feels like your last chance at happiness.
It's much better to be "securely" attached - happy with closeness and intimacy, but not fearful of solitude. However, even if you can't change from anxiously attached to securely attached, you can learn how to navigate your natural tendency to worry.
In fact, being anxiously attached isn't all bad - anxiously attached people have been shown to be better judges of other people's emotions - IF they can learn to step back and not rush into their first fearful assessment. They also make loving, devoted partners - IF they learn how to feel secure in their current relationship.
Here's a book that explains these ideas in much more detail than I can. Get the book. Read it. It will help you recognise what you're doing and why, and how to avoid common traps that anxiously attached people fall into.
It contains specific advice for anxiously attached people (and others) at every stage of a relationship, such as:
Get the book, and read it. You can finish it in a couple of hours, and you'll learn a lot about what makes you - and other people - tick.
Have you heard of the book "Non Violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenburg? If you want to resolve things yourself, this is a great tool. This is the kind of thing a therapist would walk you through step by step, to solve communication issues, but it's possible to do it on your own. It's not possible to "bypass" the talking with karezza, but one can definitely encourage the other! You are doing great just by refraining from PMO and doing the cuddling thing. You're showing her your own dedication and interest in healing your relationship, which in turn will support her efforts to heal herself.
Sounds like you're being pretty hard on yourself. Here's a few thoughts from someone who was also pretty hard on himself:
You'll be amazed at how hard women find it to find a great guy. You can be that great guy.
Another great read is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. It sounds ridiculous until you try it, but it works wonders.
Just get the book. Nonviolent communication. If you like that one, start from there.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_TLbJxbZ26R038
There are some PDFs floating around too.
I suggest then that you two read the two following books
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/
Suggested by MS CEO, Satya Nadella. I read them, and they solidified a lot of things that were helpful in dealing with issues like this.
I sense that your main objective when coming across these situations is to resolve conflict, in other words offering closure. Am I interpreting that right? This can be helpful in cases where people seem to be stuck in a rut. And I see where you are coming from with regards to offering insight, as it can be disheartening to see that people are not taking in your requests or the information you provide, despite your honest and good-willed intentions.
However, in my opinion, here lies the difficult part - recognising people's feelings and needs, and connecting the two together. For example, a person could state "You never listen to me". A simple response would be to dismiss it and say "Yes I do!" which would then be followed by "No, you don't!"
Now, by using this technique, you could instead offer understanding by replying to the first statement: "So you feel upset/frustrated (feeling) because you want to be heard and understood when we talk (need)?"
Yes, this requires guesswork, yet listening is a skill, meaning it takes practice to make it work. It might even take multiple attempts before you reach mutual understanding. In that case you could ask "I'm confused as to what you mean. Could you tell me what you're feeling and what needs aren't being fulfilled?" After identifying feelings and needs, a connection is formed between you and the other speaker, which can then give you the comfort to offer requests without a negative reaction.
There's so much more I could say about this line of communication. I would encourage you to read the book 'Non-violent communication' by Marshall Rosenberg, if you are curious about resolving conflict in a cooperative yet honest manner, while passing on the closure you want to offer to others.
EDIT rephrasing
Nonviolent Communication. It sounds a lot like physically beating people up but I was angsy af when I was younger and this helped me find empathy, get to the root of conflicts and find mutually beneficial solutions.
Maybe the crying stems from being overwhelmed by your emotions and thus a bit too carried away.
I use several techniques to help me not get "up there" too much. Focusing on my breathing can be one of them, paying attention to my posture is another, directing my attention to body parts (especially the feet) and bodily sensations... I use several, but the general purpose is to re-ground myself.
Another explanation could be that you are unable to express your feelings in a way that would be satisfying to you (or maybe even that you are judging yourself for your feelings).
You could look into NonViolent Communication (this is a nice introduction), I found it to be a great tool to learn self-compassion and expression.
Good luck out there, I bet you are a beautiful person.
I've never read it but I've heard good things about this [book](
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=zg_bs_2560_4?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=T2PR323JDHVBNJ3YP0GF)
Just be cool. Whoever this girl--or anyone you ever know--wants to introduce to you, just say hi and talk to them. A great book for you to read maybe is How to Win Friends and Influence People. Contains very basic info/suggestions about how to treat people like they matter. It's no great mystery. Just takes practice. And comfort with yourself.
As an ESTP, man, you gotta practice that E. Kinda funny you'd be asking introverts about how to be an extrovert. :)
The very old/boring recommendation---but many people still swear by it: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543055550&sr=8-1&keywords=carnegie Can probably get it for FREE/ $0.00 at your local library. Good luck friend!!!
talk to people. Listen to them. Hear why they think the way they do -- hear what they want. Then persuade them that what you want is what they want also.
I'm currently about 10% of the way through https://www.amazon.com/How-Heard-Powerful-Speaking-Listening/dp/1633536718 and it has exercises you can do to get better at being heard (it requires lots of listening)
Another great source of useful techniques is https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
The big thing to remember is there are no short fixes, and nothing is easy (edit:nothing that's worth while atleast). It's easy to get angry and frustrated -- it's more effective to listen, be thoughtful, and win friends
You should be more specific about what you're hoping to learn. There are thousands of resources out there in regards to entrepreneurship, marketing, website development & eCommerce. You could find pretty much anything you want if you phrase it correctly.
Example Searches
​
You can just keep going from there.
The basics of what you'll need, assuming you know nothing (which I doubt) would be this.
Everything else you just figure out along the way based on how you want to monetize your audience and quite honestly, no book is going to help you figure that out.
You'll learn a lot more just hanging out on Reddit and watching YouTube videos on the subject matter that's next on your checklist. Books are almost purely inspirational at this point and I think we can agree there are plenty of Podcasts that will help you find inspiration (and skill), such as The Top (Nathan Latka) or Mixergy
If you study hustlers you'll get all the information and inspiration you could ever hope for. Read or watch anything from Noah Kagan (AppSumo). No one does it better than him. Ryan Holiday (not an affiliate link) is another favorite of mine. There are also some older Tim Ferriss articles that really talk about how you approach certain businesses.
Like I said, man. It's all out there. You don't need to pay $1 for information, you just have to know what to look for and if you listen to a few podcasts or read a few beginner articles you'll figure out pretty quickly the steps you need to take next.
​
Some Books I Like (no affiliate links)
Try Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Hey friend.
Maybe over the summer, hit some books over leadership. Band really is a great place to learn and apply leadership skills.
Some books I recommend:
Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink
How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie
I can't recommend Extreme Ownership enough, though. If you take extreme ownership of your section they'll respect you a million times more than they already do. When they respect you that much more, they're that much more likely to not put you in bad positions anymore.
Edit:
I've gotta add that it'd be good to listen to some podcasts and videos by leaders, too. Since I'm already talking about Jocko Willink, he has a TED talk, too. Here's a link.
> My friend guilts him to stay
This is called emotional blackmail, it's a repulsive form of domestic abuse, and your friend and her husband need help ASAP.
In the meantime he needs to check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972
You are being abused, disrespected, and manipulated. Saying "sorry" doesn't make any of the things he has done to you okay AT ALL.
Two things:
TLDR: If things don't change, don't stay.
"Love is not enough for me- love is hurting- if it screams when you hold it."
I'm sorry this fact is being used against you :(
I'd recommend this book should you be so inclined
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_nPxszb4CMGSPZ
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do but take it. The people closest to you, which should matter the most, won't believe it and just thing they are crazy. Just internalize it all. I do have one book that could help you deal with anything like this in the future.
Emotional Blakmail
My therapist has a great line to use for when someone is making their problem your problem:
I am confident that you will figure it out.
That is it. When they complaint about BIL needing a ride: I am confident that....
When they complain about FIL having to drive: I am confident...
When they desperately come up with another irrelevant excuse: I am...
Don't try to make them see your point of view. They don't care. This inconveniences them. From their point of view, there are no positives, its all negatives. Don't waste the energy. Just use this as your mantra. Memorize it, and lean on it hard. His decision is final.
In fact: My decision is final is the other mantra that will cover all other complaints on this matter. Again, just repeat, don't explain. They wear us down in the explaining.
​
Book recommendation: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972 Every one of their tactics is clearly defined as emotional blackmail in this book. Your husband has options other than riding their guilt train.
You should both read this book.
I recommend reading this book: The Sociopath Next Door
It's one of those books that everyone should read, imo, along with The Gift of Fear
>Psychology is never an exact science but it takes clues from every aspect of your brain
No. Experiments are designed to study a specific behaviour and thus are studied. But that's not the cavet I have. The problem is with pop science writers who make it sound like it is so simple when it actually is not. When you will read actual papers which gave those conclusions, you would find how extremely dependent on many factors their results are(and most mention that). This book is a good example of this trend. It starts with saying that it is not easy to know even for experts whether a person is a sociopath or not, but later from time to time gives handy tools to general public to find out whether someone they know is a sociopath or not.
> but it takes clues from every aspect of your brain and then creates a map of your thoughts.
That map thingy is neurobiology, not psychology.
> I didn't say they were stupid I said they were criminal.
The vast majority of them were not criminally terrible people. Greed has been pervasive on Wall St. for as long as there has been a Wall St. But no, it wasn't just other people they were ruining financially, it was also their own firms. The firms that a lot of them hoped to run someday. Your narrative assumes an amount of evil and recklessness that I cannot see prevailing among even 20% of the people involved. A Harvard psychologist estimated that sociopaths only make up roughly 4% of the US population.. Assuming a normal distribution of intelligence among the sociopathic population, that leaves only 0.04% of the population that are both sociopathic and in the top 1% in intelligence, which would be 49,414 people out of the total age 35-64 population (123,536,000). In June 2014, there were 1,799,000 people in financial services supervisory roles. So even assuming that every sociopath with top 1% intelligence in the 35-64 age bracket worked as a supervisor in financial services, they would only make up ~2.7% of supervisors (assuming no supervisors under 35, which is mostly true but with some exceptions).
A much more likely assumption is that, for the most part, these people were not evil and reckless. Your stats do not require fraud. We would see the exact same thing if the lenders' executives saw the low appraisals and truly believed that they had to be objectively too low. That petition was signed by 11,000, when there were roughly 83,700 appraisers and assessors of real estate in 2012, after the bubble years. Isn't it possible that the lending executives just disagreed, and as a result appraisers known for being consistently low weren't used as often? Because keep in mind, the lenders knew exactly how much demand there was for mortgages, so the consistently low appraisers couldn't be right.
And as I said before, "liar's loans" can easily be explained by what they saw as a need to get around outdated lending requirements that did not match the "reality" of what they were seeing on paper and in the market. Because why constrain yourself to outdated standards when you are the one taking on the risk and your reasonable calculations for gains in home equity alone say that you are not exposing yourself to excessive risk? In hindsight we know that they actually were exposing themselves to catastrophic risk, but they just didn't know it. But how could they know it if they didn't know how distorted salaries and asset prices had become?
That is not a stupid question. I had a lot of the same questions and this book was really insightful.
The Sociopath Next Door is a pretty good book that describes sociopaths in our society. It contains direct references to research that gets at the 1 in 25. What the book does very well is give amalgamated case-studies of different types of sociopaths. There are many ways that sociopaths move around in society. From the man who manipulates a lonely woman by fathering a child - he doesn't feel anything for the child - so that he can live an easy life; to the office lady who destroys the careers of those around her that she feels jealous about.
You forget the other possibility - that the US has more serial killers.
My theory is that it's a combination of "good at capturing" and "has a lot more killers". All references on the subject of sociopaths (example with copuious footnotes) claim that the USA has far more sociopaths per capita than any other country.
There are two complementary hypotheses as to why.
Sociopaths have very little in common in general, but one of the few things they almost all have in common is an abused childhood. The US is the leader in the first world in child abuse.
The other hypothesis is that the strong emphasis on the rights of the individual over society, and the acceptance of public, antisocial behavior by prominent citizens, allows sociopaths to particularly flourish in the United States.
Agreed. This is a pretty good book explaining the different types of sociopaths and they really are disconnected to the world around them. You nailed it in your comment.
If Hitler ever did show any humanity, it was most likely an act, as sociopaths will mimic emotions and pretend to be moved in an effort to just get what they want.
This book has been giving me perspective into what socio/psycho-pathy is https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828
See also.
You say that jokingly but psychopathy and sociopathy are WAY more common than most people realize.
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1478606179&sr=8-1&keywords=the+psychopath+next+door
Great (and slightly disturbing) book - http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828
I believe you're looking for this: The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD. Not the greatest book ever, but worth the read on the topic.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828
The Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams is one of the best animation resources I have come across. https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1485193981&sr=1-1&keywords=animators+survival+kit
The only thing that is animated are the limbs rotating. Just kinda looks like a mechanical cutout. Knees, elbows, ankles, feet, wrists, hands, torso, head, etc all move in a walk cycle. I would go out and purchase "The Animators Survival Kit" by Richard Williams and try to draw a walk cycle frame by frame, I think you will learn a lot through this book and lots and lots of practice. Keep at it, though.
When I ran a small animation shop, I NEVER even asked during interviews if they graduated from high school. I didn't care. It was all about what they could do. I will not get into detailed specifics as they vary significantly depending on what type of work you want to do.
On the animation side you will do well to study The Animator's Survival Kit.
If you are going to do more cartoon like animating, start practicing the implementation of the 12 principles of animation:
For more realistic character animation, you can start studying video reference resources designed to help animators duplicate natural motions of animals and people.
A super plus, not strictly necessary but gives you a serious edge, is to be very good with scripting. You can start learning Python (used in Maya, C4D, Blender, and others) or another language if your 3D software of choice uses something different. Scripting can be a great time saver and sometimes saves the day.
For animation or modelling as a profession, you need to get beyond the phase of knowing how to reproduce specific outcomes because of tutorials you learned. You need to be able to think on your feet and problem solve.
Go pick up this.
Draw from life, focus on learning anatomy, you will need line weight control, mastery of form, and a million hours drawing and animating.
This is good for Disney's rules, which can apply across the board to any animation, but in the end you will have to learn 3d, too. Understanding 2d will help you immensely more than not understanding it.
Just draw 24/7, always focus on what's around you and what you see, stay out of what's inside your head. Animation is all about imitating life, stick to that and stay away from imaginative work until you are solid on accurate proportions and physics.
I'm not an animator, I took a couple courses on 2d and 3d animation in college and honestly, your work is better than what a lot of the students in my class had at the end of our first animation semester (and we had a pretty decent professor). You've got a lot of promise. If I were you, I'd buy a copy of The Animator's Survival Kit and keep at it.
Edit: should have read through the comments to see if someone else had already linked to the book but whatever, it's the best animation instruction book out there and I wish someone would have recommended it to me before i was in college haha.
Most of the resources I'm readily familiar with that are specific to cel animation are books. Toon Boom has a great YouTube Chanel full of tutorials specific to their programs, which have become the standards in the industry. There’s plenty of good third-party YouTube tutorials for Harmony as well.
However, here are two links specific to the Disney 1990s processes: the 1986 executive summary for Disney's CAPS (Computer Animation Production System), developed for them by Pixar, and a 1994 article giving an overview of the digital production process.
http://alvyray.com/Pixar/documents/CAPS_ExecSummary_AlvyToPixar_4May86.pdf
https://groups.google.com/forum/m/#!topic/rec.arts.anime/WOkkuV0Yr7w
They’re outdated now, both these two books are great texts for how to do cel animation circa 1999-2002. The principals haven’t changed much if one is looking to do the traditional style:
The Animation Book: A Complete Guide to Animated Filmmaking--From Flip-Books to Sound Cartoons to 3- D Animation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0517886022/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_chBoDbV9YV5XM
Producing Independent 2D Character Animation: Making & Selling A Short Film (Focal Press Visual Effects and Animation) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0240805135/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rjBoDb11GA302
These books are more foundational; all animators regardless of technique are recommended to study them:
The Illusion of Life: Disney Animation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0786860707/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2kBoDbAQ057T9
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ClBoDbS90NX97
A Light Box is a relatively inexpensive one. The link for that one is above your $30 limit but lots of craft stores have holiday coupons. I bought a large light box from Hobby Lobby for only $40 that was usually $90.
Books are also good gifts that might fit your price range. here are my 2 favs (the Used versions are under $30):
The Illusion of Life
The Animator's Survival Kit
Hi, first some background. I am currently in the hell process of getting my first industry job. Keep getting interviews/test but so far I haven’t gotten a job yet...though it’s only been two months since I finally started to apply haha. I originally applied for RISD MICA MCAD SVA Art Center and CalArts and I got accepted into all of them besides CalArts, which I got waitlisted for. Every school I got into offered me scholarships but once I factored in living/food I still couldn’t afford it. So I swallowed my pride and went to community college for a few years then besides reapplying to art schools I decided to make a hour and a half commute every few days to take classes at Concept Design Academy, Which I’m still currently doing. My original plan was to go to Calstate Long Beach or Cal State Fullerton, both have really good animation programs but I could live with my family while I went.
I’m so happy I didn’t go to a traditional art school. I was about to reapply when one of my friends who now works at Dreamworks told me to just do Concept Design instead. I trusted her opinion since she went to SVA and graduated and ended up not having the exact skills she needed for employment and she was super in debt.
I’d say it’s 50/50 with people I know that attended college and currently work in the industry, other half did what I am doing/didn’t get any higher education, some of my closest friends are currently attending SVA. I’m going to be honest most think it’s useless and wishes they went to a state school with a good art program rather than SVA or did what I ended up doing.
If you really want to work in TV/Movie animation look into Concept Design Academy in Pasadena CA or CGMA online or something similar. If you are dead set getting a degree I’d recommend looking into state schools. Art school isn’t worth the debt. If you have to take on all the loans yourself it’s not worth it it will destroy your credit forever and you won’t be able to move where the industry is.
This is about art center(where I originally got accepted and planned on going too) but all my SVA/MICA/RISD friends have similar experiences
http://ghostbri.tumblr.com/post/178516711920/dude-i-really-wanna-go-to-art-center-what#notes
This specific artist also has great resources for finding alternative education.
DONT RUIN YOUR LIFE BC YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WONT SUCCEED IN THE INDUSTRY WITH OUT ART SCHOOL. THERE IS OTHER WAYS.
If you live in/around LA area or are willing to transfer:
http://conceptdesignacad.com/
https://animationguild.org/about-the-guild/education/
https://laafa.edu/
Online recourses:
https://www.cgmasteracademy.com
https://www.schoolism.com
https://www.theanimcourse.com/courses/
Alternative book based educations:
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U7xwCbZNA4X74
Framed Ink: Drawing and Composition for Visual Storytellers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1933492953/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_m8xwCbE8TH4VS
FORCE: Dynamic Life Drawing: 10th Anniversary Edition (Force Drawing Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1138919578/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U8xwCbTRGJHWJ
(This one is currently out of print because they are changing the cover it should be back in a few weeks and be around 15 bucks)
Also here is a few good YouTube channels:
https://www.youtube.com/user/ProkoTV
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS3ZMbzTOXdDuJlhAZuXgaw
https://youtu.be/uDqjIdI4bF4
If you(or anyone reading this) have any questions please feel free to DM me!! If I don’t have a direct answer I know one of my friends that work in the industry will and I could ask. Art School isn’t the only way to obtain a good quality art education and a ton of talented artist make it in the industry without it!
Also sorry this is so LA centric, I grew up in the great LA area and currently work exclusively in it so it’s all I know in-depth.
Quick Edit; I’m a purely 2D based artist. I work mostly in concept and I’m currently working on transitioning into Boarding/Revisions. I don’t work on the animation end of these but that’s Bc most outsource to other countries now.
Let me answer both of your questions...
Here is a non-affiliate link on Amazon...
http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1459295196&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Animator%27s+Survival+Kit
You might have heard this from people already but Richard William's book The Animator's Survival Kit is an amazing resource for learning for both 2D and 3D. He covers the principles of animation and provides many examples that really help you understand what he is talking about.
What type of animation interests you? The principles are generally all the same between all types of animation - which is great - but the actual act of creating the animation varies wildly.
Types of animation:
I'm into 3D animation, so I could provide the most resources regarding that, but there are a couple things you could do to get started regardless of your preferred flavor of animation.
https://creatureartteacher.com/product-category/tutorials-lessons/animation-tutorials/
If you studied (and practiced) that stuff religiously, that's pretty much all you'd need to get a really solid launch into animation for pretty cheap.
Went to order it, and apparently there is a diff version that's in stock at amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=la_B001H6GEXI_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414528035&sr=1-1
Even master artists feel like they don't know what they're doing. The more you learn, the more you realize is left to learn. There is no point where you go from someone who can't draw to someone who can. It's just something you keep getting better at the more you practice and study. Copying from reference is a great place to start, keep at it. and don't be afraid to ask for critique if you really get stuck.
Just do what you can now, and as you improve it will get more fun and less frustrating.
If you want some resources, here's some youtube channels that have helped me:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5dyu9y0EV0cSvGtbBtHw_w
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUQTqWAaSzhAKRanOpes1nA
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvM8sIthAK1KOQ4nq5mYCTw
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwJheV30gHVOjBps2DU7k9A
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCno-YPZ8BiLrN0Wbl8qICFA
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIGRhqYssT6IGPYOnZBFYKw
https://www.youtube.com/user/ProkoTV
And also some books:
https://www.amazon.com/Figure-Drawing-All-Its-Worth/dp/0857680986
https://www.amazon.com/Color-Light-Realist-Painter-Gurney/dp/0740797719
https://www.amazon.com/Framed-Ink-Drawing-Composition-Storytellers/dp/1933492953
https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=ZNC6E0ET0QNFQAPH01WB
https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Comics-Invisible-Scott-McCloud/dp/006097625X
You could also check out http://drawabox.com/ and https://www.ctrlpaint.com/ which both offer a more ridged lesson by lesson approach to learning to draw.
get this book: The Animators Survival Kit
also don't worry about using references, everyone does it, and you'll do it your whole career.
Wow, that dog really wants to bite him! It's hard to guess how to critique not knowing your experience so ill keep it broad...
For composition and filmmaking read this:Film Directing, Shot by Shot
For Animation Read this:Animation Survival Kit
Once you read both of these books you will be able and critique this and make your next piece much better.
Good Luck!
well, First off how new is new? are you familiar with the fundamentals of animation? any new animator should get this book, it is literally the bible when it comes to animation fundamentals, both 2d and 3d.
read this book cover to cover and keep it on hand. next you probably want to start learning programs, I'd suggest going for flash for 2d and Maya for 3d. Autodesk gives free 3 year trials for al their 3d programs (maya included) to anyone with a .edu email address. if you like doing 3d, there are many videos, that give you the basics of how to use the program (supplied by the developers) and a ton of video tutorials that people make on YouTube.
another fantastic resource is the 11 second club. in their forum section they have a ton of beginning level exercises and a plethora of extremely helpful members who are always available to help.
if you have any questions or need any more info, feel free to PM me or reply to my comment :)
Hey there!
Glad to hear there is another potential animator/artist in the world :)
A lot of your question depends on your budget as tablets can get very expensive very quickly based on size and quality. For instance buying something that lets you draw directly on the screen is going to run you several hundred dollars for the lowest tier models (Wacom Cintiq's are currently considered the gold standard but their monitors and tablets start at over $1000 new so that is out of the question for most people and definitely not worth it for a beginner). So if she's just wanting to explore, a drawing app on a samsung galaxy tablet is a cheaper option that works great for beginners and allows them to work directly on screen. Plus is she loses interest you'll still have a tablet to use for other things.
However most people start with something like a Wacom Bamboo tablet. They are high quality, very responsive, and made by Wacom (the current industry leader) for a much more reasonable price. However you're drawing on a tablet placed on a desk while watching your work on a separate monitor and this can take some serious getting used to. Once you've got it figured out though they're great (they come in various sizes and are used by professionals throughout various industries)!
As for software consider these:
Art/Drawing - Sketchbook Pro
Animation - Anime Studio 10
keep in mind animation programs can be tough to learn so she'll definitely need to watch tutorials online. However this is an awesomely priced option with a lot of great features to make jumping-in easy
If she really catches the animation bug there are two books that are wonderful (although they are thick and may be better for when she is a little older? Up to you but they could make great future gifts):
Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams
and
The Illusion of Life by Ollie Johnson and Frank Thomas - Two of Disney's original master animators known as the Nine Old Men
Anyway that's a quick rundown of where equipment and resources stand. If I were you I'd probably go for the bamboo tablet and Sketchbook Pro to get started (for drawing) + Anime Studio 10 if animation is definitely something she wants to explore as all these items are an outstanding value for what they offer.
If things get super serious as she gets older prices begin to jump up very quickly (especially on the software side) but I believe the items listed above should suit her perfectly for at least through all her high school years. As she improves and explores you'll naturally learn what all the tools and options are on your own, as well as what her preferences are.
3D animation as a whole is a different beast that is very computer/technical heavy with a steeper learning curve. So if she wants to start trying that it becomes a whole different realm as you'll need a solid PC and a lot of time and patience when it comes to learning one of the various computer graphics programs out there.
Hope this helps at least a little! Good luck, and feel free to PM any time :)
Read, read, read!
Tom Bancroft's "Creating Characters"
Richard Williams' "Animator Survival Kit"
That should be a good place to start! And it never hurts to trace. That's how I learn.
If you're already painting in photoshop, thats a great place to start animating!
Here's a great tutorial on workflow tips for animating in Photoshop, by a really talented animator named Alex Grigg:
https://vimeo.com/80851591
I'd say play around for a bit just making things move around before getting into more technical animation training. Approach it like you would draw flip books in the corner of a textbook. Just make things move around and experiment. Once you've played around a bit, and gotten a feel for using photoshop to work across a timeline, I suggest checking out a book that is one of the standard textbooks for classical animation, "The Animator's Survival Toolkit," by Richard Williams (he was the animation director on "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"). You can find it on amazon here:
http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427217884&sr=8-1&keywords=animators+survival+kit
Hope this helps!
I’m educating myself through a few different resources ranging from books to online tutorials:
The Illusion of Life (BOOK)
The Animators Survival Kit
Jason Ryan’s fundamentals series of webinars.
Workbench on YouTube
And lots of observation and study. Just look at how things move and behave in the physical world. The dynamics of movement in real life are pretty fascinating.
If you want to learn animation, I recommend picking up the Animator's Workbook or The Animator's Survival Kit. I personally bought the Workbook and it helped me a great deal, but I also had the opportunity to thumb through the Survival Kit once. I'm not sure which is actually better.
Worry about this after learning the basics of 2D drawing.
http://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320550249&sr=1-4
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?:
Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462888852&sr=8-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
Congrats on the super comfortable feels, I absolutely LOVE that dynamic .
I strongly recommend you both read The Ethical Slut and get a better handle on what open relationships really mean. You're already on an adultery sub, so I'll just say that she doesn't HAVE to choose boyfriend over you. She could stay with him and enjoy you too with your approval. You could do the same with other women.
I'm with you on the nonmonogamy. I don't see any sense in it, and I don't think who someone has sex with is a reflection of their feelings for me. I think it's strange that we teach our kids that we love them all "equally" (I don't use that wording, but you get my point) yet we grow up and expect everyone to love ONLY us. Bullshit.
Good luck to you both, keep us posted :)
It sounds like he is polyamorous.
/r/polyamory/
Probably the best intro book is The Ethical Slut. Some libraries have a copy.
Desire for multiple partners is not polyamory. It's an entire philosophy based on mutual respect, honesty, openness, and potentially multiple love interests (who may or may not be sexual partners). Read The Ethical Slut if you want to understand it.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
That's a tough one, for sure.
I'm that silly romantic who will not say no to love if it's there, even if I know things seems to be a batch match overall, I still have to go for it. I know I've said that to you before (I think). At the same time, I do believe that feelings of love and intimacy for someone can develop in tandem with them developing for someone else. I've been reading the Ethical Slut book recently which kind of gets into this idea. I've always had these ideas in my mind, but that book kind of helped formula them in a better way in my head (and my current FWB has shown me this to be possible as well--not that I'm in love, but there were strong feelings of intimacy already).
So, I'm not sure you're setting yourself up for failure unless you truly believe that you can only romantically love one person at a time.
It really is quite hard to ease people into the idea. I've learned with time that I am a polyamorist and the best way to share that lifestyle with someone I'm interested in is to tell them when I'm first getting to know them. I don't say, "Hi, I'm a polyamorist!" -- some people don't have any idea what that even means. (And sometimes coming from a strictly sexual angle can confuse the partner as well.) Polyamorism is not about sex but about personal freedom and accepting people's boundaries with understanding and compassion. With that as a basis, being open to multiple partners or allowing multiple intimate connections to form just comes naturally. Telling someone these beliefs a little while into your already assumed monogamous relationship may cause insecurity issues and could be harder for her to sincerely identify with. If she reddits you guys can scan through this sub together and she can get a lot of questions answered or you can get her one of my favorite books "The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures" http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379 . This way you're helping her to explore your beliefs and values rather than just expecting her to understand or possible shutting her out. Keep your head up and keep trying and you will know what to do!
NTA
Ok, summarizing and skipping a lot of details, a romantic partner sprung up ‘poly’ at a very delicate time (again, skipping details) and I put up with it because of reasons that now, in plain daylight, make absolutely no fucking sense to me.
When his other partner got tired of his shit and went full no contact, plus therapy, meds and good friends I realized that while I am open to being in a poly relationship, a relationship requires for all parties to agree, not to be held hostage; poly is different for everyone but you don’t seem to be poly (or happy).
Would suggest to read the ethical slut not to force yourself down that path, but to get a glimpse of the communication strategies that have helped tons of others figure some of this out.
Good luck!
Edit: removed extra word
I would recommend an excellent book called "The Ethical Slut". It's considered the polyamory bible, and it will help answer your questions and deal with the situation in an ethical manner. It's a very complex thing.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.
Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:
You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.
You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.
There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.
And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?
Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.
Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.
In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.
However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:
Recommended reading:
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (book)
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)
morethantwo.com (website)
(Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).
There is an amazing book on this subject that gives a lot of supportive advice and insight into this exact situation--The Ethical Slut. My husband and I have both read it as a way to come to agreeable terms on our kinky relationship and to understand polyamory better.
Oops! Looks like you should inform other people that didn't get the memo.
I would say to have him watch you in the field picking up women; odds are, however, he will say that you are picking up "easy" women.
Introduce him to No More Mr. Nice Guy; you can find free PDF copies online if need be. This book was my "jump" a few years back. The book reads as self help instead of seduction; seduction material tends to challenge world views drastically compared to NMMNG.
The closest I've taken a friend to the red pill is having them read The Ethical Slut. The guy was always clingy when he put a label on the relationship and reading the book "freed him". While TES will not teach anything major, it could be the tipping point for him since having multiple women is common for red pill men.
You've got three good options, as far as I can tell:
1: Solve things with your boyfriend, get the romance back
2: Break up with your boyfriend. You have totally valid reasons for doing so. Also, you're 20 and almost done with college. No age is time to settle, but you've got way more life ahead of you... there's still partnership and romance and excitement and good sex for you. (I can remember thinking, years into a boring, dumb, slightly combative relationship that whelp, this was it, this is what people do. I am SO VERY glad I wasn't stuck there forever.)
You don't even have to try 1 first, but you can.
or:
3: Negotiate with your boyfriend and open your relationship up.
But pleeeeeeeease don't cheat!
http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369187482&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Ethical+Slut
http://www.avclub.com/features/savage-love/
Rules always sound like a good idea, but I've found in practice they don't work very well.
If you want to introduce some non-monogamy aspects I'd suggest stating out with a threesome; That way you are present, know exactly what happened, and can process the experience together after the fact to see how you're both feeling.
Either way, I'd say start slow, really really slow, and take baby steps once you are both comfortable.
EDIT: Also you should both check out these books:
The Ethical Slut
Sex at Dawn
Opening Up
At least one good thing here is you felt comfortable enough to tell your wife something personal about your needs.
I think the answer to your post is in your last sentence. You don't even really know what you want to do. Take some time and think about the worst and best case scenarios one year, and then five years out. Are you still married to her? Are you still having sex with her? Are you having sex with men? Are you having sex with women? Is she having sex with men? Do you love her in the same or different way? Are you friends?
When you know what you want and can work for it, then it's easier to start feeling less guilty and anxious about your current emotionally charged situation. If you both want to stay together, then I'd recommend The Ethical Slut as a book both of you could read independently and together to discuss how your sexual desires inform your personal dedication to each other. It also might help with your fraught feelings surrounding topping and her seeing other men.
If you don't want to stay together, then, yes, it will feel pretty terrible and embarrassing for a while but you will move on, she will move on, your families will still love you and in the end it's best to part amicably than continue a relationship that at least one of you doesn't think will work anymore.
Keep being honest with yourself and her. Do things out of love for you and her. It'll all be okay someday.
Sorry, I forget to add the extra return lines sometimes. Opening Up on Amazon
The Ethical Slut on Amazon
Hey! You've already gotten some great advice but I wanted to chime in that we've been there and done that. What got us through this much easier than expected was reading a book called "The Ethical Slut". I could not recommend it enough for you: it not only will help you through this situation, it'll help reinforce you and your husbands next steps and encounters. Good luck and you'll get through this either way!
M/29 There's a chapter in The Ethical Slut about Jealousy that's helped me out so far(still fairly new to this as well). The chapter talks about learning from it as well as being ignorant about some stuff. You'll go crazy if all you think about is some dude pounding away. So just don't think about that. Learn from what you can change. Workout, keep yourself busy, hang out with other people. It's supposed to get easier with time. Ya gotta give to get. I would highly suggest picking up this book though(it's rated pretty highly on amazon as well). Both my gf and I have a copy. Still reading through it but I've dog-eared some pages and have gone back and re-read stuff.
Good observations. Thanks for sharing. I definitely noticed a shift in my perspective on air travel after practicing. My teacher mentioned the same thing. Long plane rides are an excellent opportunity to practice, like driving, but with even less need for conscious attention to any particular activity.
Regarding dating, it's useful to evaluate what draws you to it. That's something I've observed and questioned closely after beginning to date shortly after becoming separated and then proceeding through a divorce. Spurred on by metta? What do you mean by that exactly? I found that David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man provided a useful perspective on remaining purposeful and path-oriented (whatever that means to you) in the face of dating relationships, using those relationships as a chance to practice unconditional love, fearlessness, and freedom.
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=nodl_
And thank you, I really hope things run their course and our relationship gets to where it finally needs to be.
Buy and read this book, "The Way of the Superior Man"
https://www.amazon.ca/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576
When we say love we are actually talking about three differentiable but overlapping phenomena.
a) honeymoon emotions(e.g butterflies in stomach, complete infatuation, etc...)
b) sexual polarization - Ever have the urge to just take her and have your way with her? Is the feeling mutual?
c) "oneness" - Ever have sympathy pains? Is your state of mind mirrored in her state of mind and viceversa? Just another way of saying empathy I suppose, this is the same love you share with a child or any "loved one".
In western culture we get the message that love = "honeymoon emotions" but that is a temporary stage in a relationship. This can be confusing. But you also have to ask yourself how are you doing in the other two departments? Is the sex good? Are you guys in "sync"?
-written by proxy for David Deida
Be true to yourself.
She and the kids are a package deal; stay if you love them, leave if you don't.
Do not stay due to a sense of duty.
Buy and read this book; it explains why your situation makes you feel bad, and what to do about it.
Read The Way of the Superior Man or other similar material.
You are a total beta Brad. Your wife doesn't respect you, you don't respect yourself. You have to pull yourself together whether you get divorced or whether you stay together. So start now.
Prioritize doing what you need to do to achieve your potential starting now. If she leaves along the way, so be it. But there is no reason for you to wait to become the man you can become.
Exercise daily. For an hour. No matter what. Lift. Run. Both. Really.
Meditate, go talk to a therapist/counselor. Both. Really. This is a really great starting place. [So is this.] (http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl-ebook/dp/B009U9S6FI/ref=zg_bs_12621_25).
What is the meaning of life? The universe doesn't give a shit. So go make your own meaning. Really. Make your own meaning--create something you can lay on your death bed and be proud of which made the world a better place for others.
Be the man. Make this your mantra. Be the man. Be the man. Get off your arse and go make the life of your dreams come true. Good luck.
Your marriage will succeed or it will fail, either outcome might be good or it might be bad--and will most certainly be both in some respects. But stop with the fear and uncertainty and go create your best reality. The rest will take care of itself.
lol, it's NOT a pick up book. "Don't judge a book by it's cover". :)
Go to Amazon and you'll see it's on their best books for 2014. Here's the overview:
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418250592&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy
> Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
It very specifically deals with anger and frustration, and WHY guys get like that. It helped me tremendously with my past anger issues.
As a follow up, you may want to check out this book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=pd_cp_b_2
You might check out The Way of the Superior Man It has quite a bit of relationship advice that worked for us for a few years. We did finally divorce, but this book and others by David Deida did help us when we were going through some real struggles as we made our way out and had 2 more kids. I think reading Deida also helped us communicate during and after the divorce even. It just overall improved our communication.
Edited to add: 20th Anniversary Edition
Intimate Communion is good too, but I wouldn't read it without reading the other one first.
I typed a long reply but I'm not sure I want to deal with the negative comments that would ensue. If you are genuinely troubled by this dynamic and love your SO, check out this book and see if it rings true for you.
This book helped me understand woman more.
Guy here. You might want to read Way of the Superior Man. Yes, it's for guys, but I know some women who've read it and liked it. In a nutshell, he talks about feminine energy and masculine presence. They attract and need each other. So if a woman is wondering what she contributes besides sex appeal, energy might be the answer.
I think of it like dancing. The man leads and sets the frame, but the woman provides the energy and flash that makes good dancers look like lovers in ecstasy.
Also, David Deida has another book called It's A Guy Thing: A Owner's Manual for Women. I haven't read it but have heard good things.
These are some great books I've read recently:
Influence: Psychology of Persuasion. How salespeople use psychology tricks on you.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/006124189X?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00
Power of now. The present moment is the only thing that exists. Very deep book and not too hard to get through.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0340733500?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00
Psycho-cybernetics. A book about psychology, more about improving your self-image and confidence.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0671700758?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00
Think and grow rich. A good book that will motivate you to work harder.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1906465592?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00
Way of the superior man. Great book on relationships with women and what it means to be a man.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1591792576?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o07_s00
Mediations by Marcus Aurelius, nearly 2000 year old book! Great wisdom in here but I'd read some of these other books first. Make sure you get this version (Gregory hays translation) if you do buy the book, as apparently it has the best translation.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Meditations-Marcus-Aurelius/dp/0753820161/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1425294467&sr=1-3&keywords=meditations
So true, haha!
highly recommend this book which helped me learn to deal with that craziness: http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576
fair warning: its kinda out there at times, but still good stuff.
David Deida's The way of the superior man is supposed to be a classic.
No one with any sense wants to get into "the game," because what after all is the prize? You don't want to be a pick up artist, right? For what?
But, women are attracted to certain things -- and strangely enough, it's not what the bullshit love songs and Hallmark cards would have you believe. They're attracted to masculinity, which is not the same as being a jerk. However, jerks do a good job of simulating strong backbone, single-mindedness, and self-assuredness -- knowing what you want and going after it.
Do yourself a favor. Read The Way of the Superior Man. It's not a pickup artist's book. It's a book about what the modern man needs to know, and what, sadly, the modern world leaves him ignorant of.
-------
Edit: Oh, and one more thing. Listen to this podcast episode. The show is called "The Chick Whisperer." The host is part of the pickup artist community, but he's perhaps the most normal and sensible among them. I'm not giving my endorsement (big deal -- who am I, after all) of the entire show, but this particular episode, Episode 10, with guest Sebastian Drake, is priceless. Seriously.
You can find it here, if you have iTunes.
If you don't have iTunes, you can get an MP3 download here.
You won't be disappointed. It's free.
Hey there buddy, I think this is an excellent question. I've researched it myself and found that THIS is supposedly a very good source of information. It's on my nightstand although I haven't read it yet.
To men out there who want to find a woman? Try understanding yourself first. Highly recommend The Way of the Superior Man which I am reading right now and has taught me to better respect and honor my fiancee for our differences.
Namely, between feminine and masculine which does not necessarily coincide with gender.
You should check out this book, seems like a lot of this may be going on:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
I got a lot out of this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
I'm very happy that you took something useful from what I said, and I'm glad to have helped in any way. You're a good person and deserve to be happy, and you're a strong and self-aware person who is capable of making the changes you need to. I believe in you.
I have heard tales of the problems with religious therapists in the states, and I sympathize. If you have extra cash floating around, there's a therapist up here in Canuckistan that, as far as I know, is willing to take international clients via Skype. If you don't have extra cash I might recommend the books Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and (depending on how severe the behavior of relatives are) Stop Walking on Eggshells, both of which talk about how to recognize and establish boundaries amidst a whole bunch of other work on learning healthy relationship habits and coping mechanisms, self-parenting, etc. Cheaper than therapy and almost as good.
I am glad you found what I had to say so valuable, and I hope it continues to be helpful to you.
I suggest reading this book on nonviolent communication. Some of the ideas may be helpful in having a more empathic conversion with your husband and understanding each other's needs.
http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034
In addition to the books you recommended, I would add "Nonviolent Communication". It has been a huge help in improving the communication between me and my fiancée.
When people are upset they usually just want empathy and understanding. That's why it's advised that when a friend comes to you with an issue, you should first and foremost actively listen and not try to go into advice mode, as well-intentioned as it may be. The reason I'm mentioning this is because that's probably what she wants, or at the least what she needs (and its not just women, everyone wants and needs this).
You obviously have no ill intentions, and you're in a very frustrating situation and getting the shaft in a lot of ways. I'm a woman and I also have problems when people are bawling (I can empathize very well, but its usually more through conversation and such). When you walk out of the room though, a lot of people will interpret that as cold indifference, shunning, disgust, etc etc. Sometimes you need to, but you don't want to do it as general practice.
There is a great widely-used book/mindset/system/whatever called [non-violent communication] (http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405450100&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+communication) ([wiki link] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_communication) on it). It's about how everyone has the same basic needs, but they usually don't know how to ask for them or even recognize them. If you are confused about what your wife wants (and your relationship and yourself) it's a great tool because it shows you how to recognize, talk about, and provide/ask for whatever you guys are needing. You can ask your professor about it too; they probably have heard of it. My mom is a counselor and I'm majoring in Psychology and we both found it extremely interesting and helpful.
Well I have people in my family I love who are conservative, including my parents and brother. They've never given me shit, we have spirited debates and no one is taking shit personal. I wish it was like that everywhere, but it isn't.
I think if we started listening to one another, actually listening, you'd see a lot of this fade.
Conservatism isn't good, or evil. It's just a political philosophy. I would be a conservative if things were actually working right. That's the point, conservation. Which is really the largest problem WITH the conservative movement, things are too broken right now to conserve.
I am sure plenty of Trump supporters say, "Libtards are evil and I want nothing to do with them in my life." Matter of fact, I have seen that quite a bit.
Be careful you don't become the monster you're fighting.
I am sorry you've been wounded through this. If it makes you feel better, I feel similar to Christians. I feel totally disappointed and hurt by Christians. I grew up in a church and was surrounded by supportive, loving people who helped raise me.
Then '16 happened and some of those same decent, nice people turned and attacked me. I have known them since childhood, so yeah, it hurts a hell of a lot.
It hurts. I feel disappointed and even wounded, but I have control over my actions and sometimes, giving grace and doing the right thing is more about you, than them.
Be the change you want to see. And if you're having a hard time communicating and you want to help, but it ends up in arguments, then I'd suggest reading this. It's short and will change your life.
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
Hey. Communication. Mon couple n'a pas marché parce que nous étions des gens fondamentalement différents, mais en soit, il a marché autant qu'il le pouvait. Et ce, parce que quand il y avait une ambiance, on était capable de s'asseoir et de parler, ou juste de parler. En exposant ses besoins et ses craintes, et ainsi de suite.
Si t'as la foi, je te recommande Non-violent communication.
This! Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_CEWrDbZBGYGCS
So cliche to say, but it DOES get better. Some people do take longer to get over a relationship faster than other people. This book I read and still read from time to time has really helped me with my failed relationships. It was difficult to read through some parts, because accepting you do X, Y, and Z is not easy to accept. But knowledge is power!! So much research went into that book and I wish I had read it a lot sooner than I did.
As you know, there is no magical phrase to be said to make it go away. It does take effort to "move on" and to "get over it." Understanding the "why" is what may be holding you back. For me, that book explained the "why." Good luck to you and never forget, you never struggle alone. <3
Yes, you need to identify what caused the damage at the first place -- usually it's due to poor communication and/or some kind of emotional disconnect, then you work on fixing the core issue. I suggest you look up this guy on YouTube: Craig Kenneth. He gives a lot of good advice on how to deal with relationship and break-ups.
PS. whatever you do, don't listen to that douchebag Corey Wayne.
PPS. also read the Five Love Language, and something about adult attachment theory.
I'd also highly recommend the book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachael Heller.
What you experience is also the experience of about 20% of the population. So it ain't a bad thing, but it just is what it is.
Amazon link
Attached, but you can get the same/better info by googling "attachment styles".
Gave me (anxious) a lot of closure regarding my (avoidant) ex.
Looks interesting! Off to amazon.com I go...
Read the books Attached
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Y2fyxbGYVKP4W
Here you go:
The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.
My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.
I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).
I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.
Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.
Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.
Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.
Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.
Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.
Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.
Attached - great book on attachment theory
DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.
Edit to add: Forgot the best one!
Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.
Pushing someone away is about having an insecure attachment style, not about type. My ENTP ex did it to me all the time. The push and pull thing is characteristic of an anxious attachment style which can be resolved with a good therapist. There’s also a great book on the topic called Attached.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_pcPWAb7QFHK79
Here is a good quiz to help you know your own:
https://www.idrlabs.com/attachment-style/test.php
Yup, I'm gonna say he's probably avoidantly attached. Check out the book Attached I found it really helpful/illuminating (https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139).
Also, with my last avoidantly attached partner I will say that - and this took me a long time to unpack - I also felt like it was hard to talk to him about concerns I had and that if I did he would push me away. I do not feel like this with my current partner. So it's important to ask yourself whether this is due to your insecurities or whether your partner makes you feel safe enough to talk about your concerns. If it's just you, then you have some work to do. If however you just don't feel safe discussing negative feelings or concerns about the relationship itself, then you definitely need to talk to your partner about how you're feeling. And honestly, bringing it up sooner will be easier in the long run.
One other thing. Check out this book. It’s been really helpful for me at least.
Best of luck!
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=54179804057&amp;gclid=Cj0KCQjw_OzrBRDmARIsAAIdQ_LCZA9ZNhxzf1Q-zTk7YhDDsSlgnl5irLkUfnLiAV3KK7skUUv1r08aAny3EALw_wcB&amp;hvadid=274722066389&amp;hvdev=m&amp;hvlocphy=9028786&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvpos=1t2&amp;hvqmt=e&amp;hvrand=3066224870070082230&amp;hvtargid=aud-647006051489%3Akwd-301585783383&amp;hydadcr=15181_10362785&amp;keywords=attached+book&amp;qid=1568401829&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-1
I don't think anyone has mentioned it so far, but the book Attached was incredibly helpful to me. I would recommend reading it right away. link
Good_Taco - read this book.
r/https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139
He is a good guy for keeping up with it. That may destroy him in the end.
> This is an underlying issue to take care of yourself through therapy and possibly reading a TON of books. Like this [one] (http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1458240900&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Attachment) and this one and one more that I cannot link for some odd reason but its more on the spiritual side but helped me IMMENSELY, well two books really, both by the same guy, Osho. One is called "Emotions: Freedom from Anger, Jealousy and Fear". The other book from Osho is called "Love, Freedom, and Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships".
They really show you the why in terms of science and great anecdotes. If you don't like to read I suggest finding them on youtube and listening to them.
This is not something that'll fix itself overnight. Talk to him and tell him that you are working on it but it'll take time if he wants to stay and deal with it. Or else all your future relationships are doomed to fail.
Believe me I used to be that way. Jealousy is natural. What you feel is okay. How you control it is everything. Good luck and I'm sending you all the good vibes my raving friend.
P.S: Raves are dope. Hopefully doing Tomorrowland in 2017.
I haven't read it yet, but Attached might help
You definitely look hot enough to date to me. And I am white, but in general I don't care about race. IDK about other people or how it is like there. It may be due to how you approach relationships. I would recommend a good book on it called Attached : https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1/260-2524764-8112836?ie=UTF8&qid=1538464459&sr=8-1&keywords=book+attached
You might find this book helpful-
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?keywords=attachment+theory&amp;qid=1559238579&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=attachmen&amp;sr=8-1-spons&amp;psc=1
Great stuff. thanks for puting this all together. I know it took a while to get this all out on here. Keep up the good work.
We are going through a similar series here in our local group. This idea of vetting a woman can be tricky stuff.
One of the things that we teach is to learn about attachment styles. Attachment styles are crucial because some personality types can go undetected during even the longest of dating periods.
For example, a covert narcissist is skilled at hiding and obfuscating and has in fact built their whole life around covert behaviors and gas-lighting manipulative behaviors. These types of behaviors are never talked about or trained, etc.
They can ruin relationships of all types...especially marriages.
A nice intro book into Attachment Styles is Amir Levine's book:
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=attached&amp;qid=1551372762&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-1
Anyway, keep up the great work in helping guys learn how to better vet women.
Compassionate Alpha
Stay strong. This was not a healthy relationship for either of you. Remember the good times like Disney and take the lessons for the future. If you can get this book from a library I think it would help you a lot to understand why both of you have acted the way you have: https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139
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Amputating your arm would hurt a lot and you would have to learn to live without it and do things a different way. This will hurt a lot and you will have to make new habits. But, you can do it for yourself and for the person you will meet in your future. All the best!
You should read the book "Attached": https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/
It's a fairly new book, but the psychological theory it talks about is rather old and pretty well vetted.
It should give you insight into her mindset.
The TL;DR: version is that she probably needs someone in her life to make it whole. You meet her criteria, so she gloms on quickly.
You can respond in 1 of 2 ways: Pulling away or being neutral.
Pulling away will just get her to try to attach stronger. Being neutral and relaxed will eventually get her to calm down. But don't let her push the relationship along too quickly. She'll try to drag it into fast forward if you let her.
Maybe she should also read this book.
I heard this book is good
If you haven't read it, the book Attached is a great layman's guide to attachment styles in romantic relationships. It focuses extensively on the avoidant-anxious pairing and speaks in depth about the challenges faced in such a relationship. I think you will find it extremely relatable. Even if $10 sounds like a lot to spend on a book, please consider all the relief that comes with not feeling alone and understanding what's going on.
Some people come into relationships with anxious attachment styles, but I've seen many secure people turn anxious after a long enough committed relationship with an avoidant attachment style. I recommend this book often as a basic intro to looking at relationships as a phenomenon.
If you can manage a little bit of reading, this book is really really good, it helped me quite a bit.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_LDN7ybWKBBJTE
It seems that you're caught at the asking out part. The abandonment fear can persist within a relationship as well.
The asking out/anxious part goes better when you get acclimated to rejection. I know some guys practice this by deliberately seeking rejection ie asking women they think they'd enjoy going out with, but are 100% certain the answer will be no. One of my friends said it actually threw him off and upset him that a few women he asked said yes to a date, when he was seeking rejection. But really it was kind of flattering. After that he practiced with women he liked a little, and later to ones he was really interested. By practicing with getting rejection you also learn to handle it gracefully if it is someone you like.
Another thing to be aware of is the magnification issue. You're not thinking about dating and getting to know someone. You're looking for The One. That's going to put a shitload of stress on you. Get to know them first. You're going on one date, not marrying them.
Even if lust tells you that this is the person you want to spend your life with, take a step back. You really won't know if you really want to be with this person till you have known them for several months, and even then it's a crapshoot. You may have different life goals and values. One person may want a child, and the other is not ready, the child one is a big issue, especially since women do have a window of time to work with when making this decision. I see female friends under a lot of pressure to produce babies. It's not something I really get since I wasn't ever interested. But it does seem to impact their relationship decisions in a big way. You're pretty young, you've got time. Use it wisely and don't rush into things. 23 is a very different place than when you're 26, or even 30. Your outlook and decisions can change quite a bit.
One thing about the wanting Someone is that you're looking to fill a hole, that hole can't be filled by someone else. The more you heal that need for yourself the better and more stable your long term relationships will be. That wanting Someone to spend my life with has persisted within relationships for me, so I know this is not about someone completing me. My understanding is that it's about learning to fulfill my own needs. That there's (for me at least) a weird craving for connection that isn't fulfilled by connection (it's almost like a consuming of another person) tells me something else is going on. I'm not sure what that's about yet, but I notice it's not so bad when I'm fulfilled in more areas of my life. You may discover different things as you go, it's basically a journey, not an endpoint.
I'm still nervous about the asking out stage even now, but it's much easier. The hard part for me is maintaining the relationship by not reacting out of fear to every little thing (it's not easy) this is where therapy teaching you skills to learn how to handle your emotions and fears comes in.
One more thing, one of my patterns has been to date an avoidant, which can be pretty triggering because sort of opposite of what my needs are, you might want to read a bit about attachment styles (there's a self help book that's an easy read called "Attached" http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 I took it with a grain of salt, but found it helpful conceptually at least).
Looks like a good book. I love the book cover, two magnets connecting together to form a heart! Yes that title is SOOO long.
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I know what you're going through. I once dated a girl for about 6 years, and we lived together for most of it. I didn't want to end the relationship, because we had been together for so long, but we were both kind of unhappy by that point. Eventually, we grew to far apart, and decided to end it. 2 years later I'm the happiest I've ever been. Something that helped me understand what happened after the fact, and I wish I had it while I was still in my relationship was a book called Attached. Now I know you probably think this looks like a stupid self-help book, but it cites several white paper published in various phycological journals. It also got a write up in scientific american: mind, which is where I originally found the book. PM me if you would like me to send you a copy, I think it might help.
Read the book Attached by Amire Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller
Focuses on what's called "Attachment theory" breaking everyone up into 1 of 3 categories Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure. There's a good chance you're an anxious and she's an avoidant and that's just a recipe for disaster
If your wife is a reader, I highly recommend she (and you) read this book. She sounds like she's got some attachment issues and once you recognize them, they're easier to deal with.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_BOMZzbEE35GAS
Attached
>Maybe someone can explain me his logic?
Read Attached. Your "boyfriend" has an avoidant attachment type and will never be able to give you the level of intimacy you desire. Reading that book helped me understand and let go of a couple exes. Great guys who I had a great time with, but who I have accepted will never give me what I want, which is a committed relationship that I feel secure in. Blocking him is a smart idea, you just have to realize that there are much better guys out there to form relationships with and as long as you allow him in your life you won't move on.
Have you read the book Attached yet? I think it might give some insight into things. I'm currently reading it, and it's been making me think a lot about my own attachment style, how that has played into previous/my current relationships.
But as others have said, it wasn't anything you did or didn't do. It wasn't a case of 'if I did x, then we would have lasted!'. I think it was more about incompatibility, as it seems he wanted to keep things at arm's length while you wanted a close relationship. And there's nothing wrong with that!
Take some time and heal. Lots of internet hugs.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_bNL7Ab2JGF730
Here’s a book you might like. It’s about attachment theory.