I read a book about love languages. It was from a Christian perspective but I think anyone could get value from it. Basically the take away was that we all show and feel love in different ways. One of the best things you can do is figure out how your partner feels loved (their love language). It may be verbal, physical touch, actions etc. You then make a conscious effort to make sure that your partner knows you love them by using their love language and not just your own.

Edit: wow a lot of people apparently saw this. Here is the book on amazon if anyone was interested:

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1563811365

It's apparently less than $5 as an ebook. No I'm not the author. Good read even if you ignore the religious perspective it is great to work through with your significant other.

Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):

• Wild at Heart by John Etheredge. For Men. The companion book for Women is Captivating. These are Christian books, discussing God's design for men and women. Even if you are not a Christian and have no desire to be, I think you may find some of the discussion very revealing or at the very least intriguing. These are not so much good "learn to communicate" books, as they are "understanding who I really am on a basic level" books.
  
  
• Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Another Christian Book, this one on the biblical view of marriage. Again, if you're not a Christian, I still recommend it as a resource for marriage. There are some fundamental principles of marriage that transcend religion that can benefit both spouses. For men and women.
  
  
• Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. This book is required reading if you or your partner grew up in a household with an addict (parent or sibling), an abusive parent, or single parent/divorced home with high conflict. It is not faith based, for men and women.
  
  
• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is a great book that breaks down how we're all different, and we get our needs in a relationship satisfied in different ways. Understanding what your partner needs is fundamental to having a healthy relationship.
  
  
• The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. This is another great resource for understanding effective communication within an intimate relationship, whether you are male or female.
  
  After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.
  
  

It’s men who think being nice to a woman is the way into her pants. Typically, they are only nice to people they want something from. That’s why a lot of people view them as manipulative as well. This is usually due to the “nice guy” not wanting to sexualize the women, often in an effort to try to set themselves apart. Problem is, they forget women are sexual too and don’t necessarily disqualify someone for being insinuative. No sexual tension(I’m using the phrase loosely) means no attraction. They don’t realize this and because they were nice and expected sex in return, they lash out.

I think that’s what I’ve gathered over the years of hearing the term.

Edit: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

Interesting sidenote: this phenomenon has been reported by many other people and the theory (this sort of thing can't be proven, so it's just speculation, I just want to be honest) as to why this is:

Many women occasionally enjoy simply watching their male partner get off--they want to see him ejaculate by whatever means, whether it's masturbation or with their assistance or whatever--and the theory as to why is that this is a trait women have evolved to have in order to, essentially, check and make sure all the guy's equipment is working correctly thereby reducing the odds that he's infertile and she's wasting a very precious amount of time and effort (or at least it would've been until very recently) on an infertile male. Requiring him to display his genitals and 'operate' them in front of her allows her to check for certain STDs (not all have visible symptoms but a lot do) and it allows her to see if he possibly has a low ejaculate volume (which lowers her odds of successfully reproducing with him) or for whatever reason has trouble getting it up and/or ejaculating. She's making sure all the equipment is healthy and in good working order before she invests time and effort into her would-be mate and, additionally, risks contracting a STD from him that could potentially make her incapable of ever reproducing (Chlamydia, for example, will do this to women if left untreated), which is a pretty big damned deal if you think about it.

Consequently...men have evolved to 'perform' as well as they physically can whenever a woman is watching them get off which means that the man will ejaculate as hard as he can and with as much semen as he can during such 'demonstrations', hence your experience: your brain subconsciously understood what was going on and told the body to let loose with everything it had in order to impress your girl with your massive ejaculate load and the force with which you could expel it, hopefully thereby convincing her that you would be a virile and healthy mate with which she could procreate :)

Source: Robin Baker's Sperm Wars (fascinating read, by the way)

> MIL and FIL share an email address, a cell phone, and even go to the bathroom together.

HURK. That sorta defines enmeshment.

DH needs to read and re-read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.

You and LO are more important than DH's mother. Sadly, he doesn't behave like it, even if he pays lip service.

His mother has done a number on him with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is a master gaslighter / manipulator. I'll guess that she's been doing it her entire adult life (and likely back into childhood); she's extremely competent - and that's sad.

Will it's not DH's fault, it's his adult responsibility - to himself, you and LO - to overcome the programming she's instilled in him. Reading, pondering and re-reading these two books, doing the exercises they contain and letting them illuminate his circumstances could be helpful.

Advance warning: I'm only an anthropology undergrad. I am very near to graduating, though, and looking into advanced degrees and a research career in gender and sexuality. This is my passion.

Looking at the promiscuous (according to Westerners) sexual behavior of egalitarian foragers (which humans were for the majority of our existence), and looking at the behavior of the Bonobo, our nearest living relative, and finally looking at the way that both of us use oxytocin to ease social bonding...

It seems pretty obvious. So that we can have sex whenever we want. It's a good strategy. Sex is an enjoyable act that nearly all humans love. It's relaxing, it's great for forming emotional bonds (note: not necessarily romantic bonds, as most today would know them), and it produces children. It keeps things running smoothly, which is important in an egalitarian society.

Infanticide was pretty common in prehistory. The sheer number of infant remains seriously skews life expectancy data, actually, leading to the myth that prehistoric people didn't live past 30. It's not that these people were horrible, just that they couldn't feed every child they brought into the world. Foraging keeps a pretty hard limit on population growth. They didn't have the means to safely conduct abortions, and many, if not most people didn't grasp the connection between sex and pregnancy. This is understandable for people who are having a lot of sex with multiple people in their <120-ish person band; pregnancy would seem like something that just starts happening once a woman reaches a certain age.

But despite all the infanticide—or perhaps because of it—a child which is chosen to be kept has a very good chance for survival. With no parternity certainty, promiscuous foragers tend to care for all of the band's children; not just their own. They grow up with a great deal of social support. In a group dynamic like this, promiscuity is an advantageous behavior.

There's a great book on human sexuality that I would recommend reading. Not buying, unless you really dig it (I did). Just check it out at the library or flip through it over coffee at Barnes and Noble or something. Or, hell, pirate an ebook if you can find one. It's called Sex At Dawn, and I found it to be a pretty solid interdisciplinary analysis of the research thus far. It's written to the layman—in that it avoids jargon and keeps a playful tone—but it's quite informative, particularly if you follow along with the end notes. They go into much greater detail there. Also of value are the references. I've only just begun going through those.

Source

Watching this video and some of the others referenced, he seems to be saying that it's wrong to bulk classify all relationships between post-pubescent teenagers and adults as predatory, or at least that not all are predatory in the assumed direction. This is not a new idea. It also doesn't change that such behavior is illegal if the teen is below the age of consent.

According to the other referenced times he talked about pedophilia, he was molested himself by a priest at a young age - but he clearly views himself as the aggressor, and thus doesn't view it as rape, sexual assault or molestation. Legally, however, it was certainly a crime (statutory rape), because he was under the age of consent, but he can't square this with his own perception of events. He doesn't think of the priest as a villain, and refuses to identify the priest.

It's also not a new idea that young gay or bisexual men seek out older men for a relationship. This is, in fact, implied as a reason for gay hatred in the book Sperm Wars. The book is well sourced, and describes older civilizations where 50% or more of men were bisexual or gay, and the cultural expectation that gay and bisexual teens (around age 13) would seek out older men as mentors - intellectually, sexually and economically. The sexual advantage of bisexual men in this scenario (as described in the book, which is, obviously, of an evolutionary biology bent) is that early access to an experienced partner made them more successful with heterosexual women in their later teen years, compared to heterosexual men with no experience at all.

From the perspective of heterosexual men, this behavior means greater risk of venereal disease, competitive loss of early mate access, and economic disadvantage in a male-dominated society, which explains why heterosexual men might unite to fight against this behavior. Obviously we're (mostly) past this bigotry now, but it does still exist.

I would be shocked if these ideas aren't talked about in the homosexual community, especially if they really do feel an instinct to reach out to older men as teens (and Milo said that was exactly his motivation). It makes sense that homosexuals that experienced this behavior in themselves may see attempts to cast them as victims as wrong. From their perspective, making such activity illegal is a form of homophobia.

That said, anything that can be tied to pedophilia (and while Milo is technically correct that pedophilia is sexual attraction towards pre-pubescent children, anyone below the age of consent is the more widespread cultural, and of course legal, usage) is a political third rail and he's clearly a political figure. This is when advocating for personal responsibility and rejecting victimhood means you accept you were wrong and suffer the consequences.

It sounds like you and your wife both use acts of service to say 'I love you', which can translate into unintentionally parenting behavior (especially when you have (three!) babies in the house. You both should read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts to better understand the way you each communicate with each other.

You may also find it helpful if you consider that she's not mothering you out of pity or the belief that you are incapable of adulting. Like someone already said, it's incredibly difficult to turn off 'parent mode', especially if taking care is her love language. When you get frustrated, remember that it's the two of you against the problem, not you against her.

In my experience, it really makes a difference to be clear about how you are feeling in situations like this instead of focusing on the other person's actions. You might want to take a breath and gently say, "I'm frustrated right now because I want to pull my share of the weight, and I feel like you are taking on too much. I love you and appreciate how much you do. Please let me do this so we can divvy up the work more evenly." This shifts the focus to how you feel about the situation instead of placing blame/attacking the other person (not your intent but she may have felt that way), reminds her that you are a team, and that you love her which is always nice to hear.

> This is my favorite form of foreplay these days, I think. I enjoy the way he uses his fingers, and he got me off this way recently.

Mine too! My SO is a genius at what we call "yoni worship" and tantric massage, and it's SOOO nice! 🔥💥⚡️🌋 🥰

There are many different ways to go about fingering and women differ a lot in what they like and need, so couples often need to do a lot of experimentation to figure out what works best. (I think that's one reason most men aren't very good at giving female handies.)

We do a lot of edging, which is extending the arousal phase while delaying the orgasm. It increases the amount of sensual pleasure and also makes the orgasms last longer and feel stronger. In our case, we have found that about an 80:20 mix of fingers and oral is about optimal for both of us, although we vary it quite a bit. We've found that mixing up different approaches helps the edging process last longer and it also keeps us from falling into a rut.

In addition to using oral and a variety of fingering techniques, we also mix in occasional uses of a vibrator on my clit to get me up to (or back up to) a high plateau level before he switches back to fingers or oral. Not everyone likes it, but it's definitely worth a try as you both learn more about managing your arousal pattern!

> I don't hear much talk of this online though.

Actually, there are whole communities devoted to tantric sex and erotic massage, where those of us who love giving and receiving this kind of sex tend to congregate. Try r/tantricsex for starters. The sidebar has links to some good online resources for a beginner.

This is my review of a website that provides tutorials on dozens of different techniques for using fingers. It's a paysite, but definitely worth it:

• OMG Yes!!!
  
  Here are some books you might want to check out:
  
  
• The Joy of Sex
  
  
• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
  
  
• Erotic Massage for Couples
  
  This is a collection of articles I wrote that includes several articles on erotic massage, including reviews of videos that demonstrate excellent technique:
  
  
• A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex
  
  If you are interested in going beyond erotic massage, this article is an overview of the secular (non-religious) kind of tantric sex:
  
  
• What is Tantric Sex?
  
  ...and this is a book-length instruction manual that is online and free:
  
  
• Extraordinary Passion -- The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex
  
  Here are some other perspectives on tantric sex:
  
  
• A Simple Intro to Tantric Sex
  
  
• Tantra: Gateway to Ecstasy
  
  Have fun exploring!

THIS! My fiance and I have been having a rough time matching my high libido to his very low one, so I started seducing him all the time. I went from making kind of subtle references that I was interested in sexing to just putting my hand on his junk and seeing if he was into it. That went wonderfully for the past few months, but then I was worried he wasn't wanting sex and he was just feeling obligated to do it, so I asked if he could try seducing me like he would a girl he'd just met. He did that the other night and I can't tell you how awesome the sex was.

Also, I know it sounds really shitty (I usually hate self-help books), but if your relationship is tripping up, try reading The 5 Love Languages. A friend recommended it and even though it's a bit religious-y at points, it's still an overall good book with great points.

I don't have any answers, but I wanted to confirm that this sounds like what happens to all parents. There's no way having a child wouldn't fundamentally change your lives and your relationship, let alone your home. The fact that your son was adopted is immaterial. It's good you're in therapy, and you might see if your wife would consider couples counseling.

There's also a helpful book called "And Baby Makes Three" by John Gottman: https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X

Lastly, this might seem silly, but on one of those evenings where you and your wife find yourselves with nothing to do, you could try the 36-questions relationship exercise. https://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

This seemed ridiculous, so I checked their psychology today link, which is actually a daily mail link.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2051902/Men-use-internet-porn-likely-hopeless-bedroom.html?ITO=1490

So I looked up the article.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-is-growing-problem

Which is part of a series called "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow

Which stems from a book by the same name.

http://www.amazon.ca/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095

Which it turns out, espouses the idea that orgasms kill relationships, among others that seem equally far fetched.

> "Making love is like inflating a balloon. Having an orgasm is like popping the balloon. In contrast, if you finish without an orgasm, you are like a balloon that takes several days to gradually deflate, leaving you much longer to enjoy the inflated feeling.—Rob"

http://www.reuniting.info/cupids_poisoned_arrow_chapter_1

tl;dr: I'm going to disregard this as pseudo-science bullshit.

There are several books of this type, but the best is called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman is a Christian, but it's solid counsel for anyone in a relationship.

Welcome to this sub. Sorry you found yourself in this place.

Healing from infidelity is a 2-5 year process and it requires a shit ton of work by the wayward to make this work. There are a couple of books that I recommend as standard ones. The first is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. This is a short 90 page book that was written by a therapist who helps couples get through this shit. She found 15 actions and attitudes that the wayward must implement in order to build a new environment of safety and security for the betrayed. This environment is needed because if you do not feel safe and secure then you will not be able to heal.

The book can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Her actions listed in the book are:

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

The last point includes these actions: (I added these via my own experience)

• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.

• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.

• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)

• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.


The next book I recommend is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. This is a much longer book. It can be very triggery for betrayed because she used couples from her practice and built a composite with their experiences to write the descriptions of what is going on. These can dredge up mind movies, and deep feelings. Don't let that put you off, because she does have really great insight on what is needed for the couple to get through this.

Right now you processing just WTF has happened. This takes about a year. Your mind is going up and down not just the time from when the affair started, but all up and down your entire relationship. What it's trying to do is to process the history which you have in your brain, and the history that has just been revealed. This is normal.

As your brain goes over the history it will find areas what don't add up with what the wayward has told you and what you know. Also your brain will go over information she has already given you and as you process this you will ask the question over and over. This questioning is in response to needing the truth, and a cross check of what you have been told before. Sometimes the wayward's answer will change and you will challenge it. Again your brain is searching for safety and security.

What a betrayed spouse needs and what the wayward wants to give them are 180 degree opposite directions of each other. The betrayed spouse needs the truth, and needs to know that the lies have stopped.

Right now your wife's words hold no meaning. She can tell you that she is going to the store and your mind will snap to wondering who she is meeting. Those 15 items that Linda McDonald points out are actions and attitudes that back up what the wayward is telling you.

Sometimes a wayward is regretful they have gotten caught rather than remorseful for what they have done. Those clues are in their actions. If they say things like "Its been 5 months aren't you over it yet?" or they become irritated and defensive there there is something going on. Actions that don't mirror McDonald's points show that the wayward has no empathy for the situation which they have put you in.

If you're serious about learning small talk, just read this book: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

And if you want to better your relationships w/ your spouse, and even close friends, read this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

I know that this probably gets thrown on here a lot, but have you ever read the book "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts"? It has done wonders for my marriage, especially helping me understand the emotional euphoria that first comes with dating, and then slowly disappears, which so many of us classify as love. Don't buy into the lies that Rom Com's and TV shows portray as love because even the best marriages have times where they don't feel like being with the other person. I do not think you are a bad or horrible person for feeling this way, but I do think it would be horribly tragic for you to get a divorce, ultimately to discover that no human could ever satisfy this emotional euphoria you desire for an extended period of time, no one.

NAH - You're clearly not the asshole. However, rather than calling your husband the asshole, I think this may just be mismatched expectations and ways of expressing yourselves. Specifically, check out the concept of the 5 Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X). You don't need to buy the book, as there are articles out there that explain it well enough. The 5 are words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Considering the amount of effort you put into gifts/party for him, it might be because gifts/acts of service are important ways you show him love, so when they're not returned in that way, you're hurt. He might be showing you love in other ways that are more important to him.

Asking for sources is a Good practice.



The book “Sperm Wars” by Robin Baker lays out in detail both how it works and why.



https://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489


This article says the same thing I said: many can’t from penetration (75% it says here), and some never do at all (10% it says).



https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289


This article mentions up top that 5-10% can’t at all, although the article is not about that exactly.


https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2011/05/why-cant-some-women-orgasm-neuroscience-might-finally-have-an-answer/238767/

If you care about him help him pay for therapy. And get him to read "No More Mr. Nice guy"!. He needs to find strength outside of you and the resolve to live his own life.

In case people don't know what you are talking about

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

It's an interesting read, my wife and I read it before we got married.

Talk to her about it before giving into her request.

You need to figure this out, as you have some well justified insecurities about it (seeing your SO enjoy someone more than they seemingly ever enjoyed you would be devastating).

Sex isn't a defining part of a relationship, but it is a critical one for the most part. If you didn't enjoy the experience you should think about it and discuss it with her.

I keep telling people to read this book when it comes to non-monogamous things in relationships. I think you would benefit from doing so as it would make it easier to understand your feelings and to articulate them and your concerns to your SO.

You need to stall or delay or straight up tell her what you've said here:

>I don't want to make this part of our normal repertoire

You can look into it more, but if you don't want this to be a normal thing you shouldn't let it become one.

> I wanna do something simple and nice for my boyfriend

Are you familiar with the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

It suggests that each man and woman has a "love language" that speaks more to them,
one of these five: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.

So each person in a couple could think about what is theirs, and let the other person know. For example, if a woman's "love language" is words of affirmation, she would consider a gift a nice gesture, but she'd rather hear the words of affirmation more often. If her husband is giving her plenty of gifts, she may still not feel loved.

A person sometimes expresses their own desired love language to their partner, assuming their partner has the same. So the woman may give her husband lots of words of affirmation, when really he is starved for some physical touch. If she learns what actually speaks to him, she can then express love in his desired form.

So, OP, consider or ask your boyfriend which of those five sorts of things would he most think shows your care for him. And while you're at it, let him know what most appeals to you.

Some people give gifts as their love language. In this case, however, it seems more like your mom wants a visual assertion of her connection to you, some "proof" that she loves you and you her, etc.

 

It shows how little she understands your life that she sends you not only a lot of little stuff (probably assuming "it's so small, it won't hurt!" when it does take up space) but candles in an RV? Granted, I don't know dick about RV living but it seems like candles would be dangerous in one.

https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24

The better parts teach you to be a better man and how to genuinely improve yourself, whether it's social skills, your career, your hobbies, your fashion sense, your mindset, how you approach challenges, etc. It's not about manipulating women or pick-up lines or the other bullshit methods people still associate with PUA.

I've been there. You have to realize that she's got a hurricane going on inside of her. Some people internalize it, some people externalize it, and it sounds like she is the former. It sucks. It's OK to be honest with her, but do so from a place of empathy for what she's going though (and with the knowledge that you can't possibly know what it's like for her). It's not that pregnancy gives someone a free pass to check out of their role in a relationship, but it can be scary as hell, and people deal with that kind of fear differently.


Talking to a therapist or counselor might well be your best bet here, because (a) you say you're experiencing depression, (b) you can vent without feeling like you're attacking your partner and (c) those feelings of fear and inadequacy about being a husband and father are things therapists have dealt with in other soon-to-be fathers, and they can definitely help you overcome them.


My situation may be very different from yours, but I definitely had some of the same fears you do. I once heard somebody say that childbirth is the most amazing thing that's happened to every single person on Earth. Fatherhood is the same. Just because your fears are common doesn't make them any less valid or painful. Talking to someone can help you get real context and understanding of them and keep you from making a decision in the moment that might have long-term consequences.


Once the baby is here, you might also check out And Baby Makes Three, which deals with how to maintain your relationship after the birth of a child. A good friend is a therapist and frequently recommends it to new parents.

First of all, your emotions are not unfounded. They may not be emotions that you want to act on or that you feel proud of- but any jealousy or discomfort or anger or confusion you feel is valid and not something to discredit or disregard especially this early in the game. Suppressing emotions isn't healthy in a monogamous relationship (or even when you're single really) and it's super not healthy in a non-monog one. You can be jealous. You can feel hurt. That doesn't make you bad at non-monogamy or whatever.

You may want to think about why you're feeling the way you are. Your emotions aren't appearing out of thin air- they're probably attached to fears and fantasies about what this all might bring in the future. examine that. Maybe you need a greater time commitment from your boyfriend even if it can't be physical. Maybe you need to set up regular skype dates. Maybe you need him not to sleep with your friends. Maybe you need to be sleeping with someone yourself. Maybe you need a new hobby to help assert your individuality and independence. Maybe you need more reminders that you're sexy. Who knows. Think about it.

You might also be interested in reading a book like Opening Up by Tristain Taormino. I'm sure there are many other good books on non-monogamy and polyamory but that's just the one I'm familiar with. I know that hearing the struggles and joys of other non-monogamous couples can be comforting and can help put your own struggles in perspective. That book also has a few chapters that directly address common issues in open relationships that I found helpful.

Read a book called The 5 Love Languages. The gist of it is that she's communicating her love in a way that you aren't hearing it. Not everyone feels and expresses love via physical contact or breakfast in bed.

Not everyone sees a feeling of possessiveness, jealousy, or even sexual exclusivity, to be a positive thing in a relationship. Some people enjoy sex in groups, some people enjoy a variety of partners. That doesn't mean those people can't have healthy, fulfilling romantic relationships with other consenting adults.

I mean, if you really are curious about how people have healthy relationships like this, I would recommend this short book about open and/or group relationships. It has interviews/profiles of a variety of different non-monogamous relationships: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Most people would find the idea of sharing their sex videos with strangers to be pretty "weird" or "wrong," but without that then this subreddit wouldn't even exist, right?

This sucks. While I'm one that likes marriages to work, he is a habitual cheater. And he will travel on business.

Cheaters do have a tendency to cheat again...eventually.

Get the book Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair. For him. And Not Just Friends for you.

Cheating while wife is pregnant is repugnant.

Get The 5 Love Languages. See if perhaps you and your wife are just fundamentally misunderstanding what the other needs. To be blunt, why would you marry someone who demonstrated a trait that made you feel resentful? Did you honestly expect her to change after you got married?

Further reading for nice guys/white knights (much less accusatory and condescending than this article): http://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/

She Comes First

The Joy of Sex

Advanced level:

Sexual Secrets

Start by reading the /r/polyamory FAQ if you haven't yet.

There are many good books out there, and reading any of these will help fill in a lot of blanks for you:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships

Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!

If you like listening to podcasts, there are a couple good ones I follow: Multiamory Podcast and Polyamory Weekly.

Go slow, read lots, and follow your heart.

According to Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication), it is because we don't teach it. We still have feelings and needs, but often time as children we are left feeling as though feelings and needs are selfish and shameful. But because they still exist it ends up being expressed in tragic ways.

Or if it is really bad, you end up a "Nice Guy" (making secret contracts and hoping to get what you want without ever actually telling anyone what it is).

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

OP, your local library definitely has a few copies. It's worth reading.

My FH and I are not religious; here's what we've tried and found in our 1.5 years together:

• The 5 Love Languages: It can be at times a bit Christian-centric and sometimes brings up more "traditional" gender roles, but the overall concepts were helpful for us.
  
  
• Intellectual Foreplay: We went through a TON of these questions in our first few months of dating and it really helped us to get those big questions out of the way in the guise of "getting to know each other".
  
  
• I created an extensive list of lists of questions we could ask each other. We'd make it fun by picking random numbers (without looking at the questions first) and taking turns reading the questions. So he'd choose question 4, I'd read it to him, and then he'd answer and then I'd answer. And then we switched. We did maybe 5–10 questions at a time.
  
  
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: This one seems most helpful now that we're engaged. We borrowed the audiobook via our local library and have been listening to it in the car. FH really likes it!
  
  The Gottman Institute, which is by the guy who authored that last book, offers (kind of expensive) weekend workshops around the country, and it also sells an at-home DIY "workshop" for $175 USD. If we have time and extra money, we might try the at-home kit but for now the book is working well for us!
  
  edit: There's also a program called Prepare Enrich, which is an assessment you both take and then you meet with a facilitator (secular or religious, your choice) in your area to go over your results. The program also offers a DIY version called the Couple Checkup, which they call a "lighter version of the assessment". We haven't really explored these options yet because the Prepare Enrich facilitator we reached out to isn't taking any new clients at this time and my local library had both a physical copy and audiobook copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Take her out to dinner at a nice place with some outdoor seating. Talk about your day, keep her wine glass full. Afterward walk her to a quiet bar and talk about your dreams and your family and what makes you happy. Take her home and top the night off with some love making, or leave it til the lazy hours of the morning if you're both too tired. Do all this about once a week for a couple months.

Get her a little gift now and then to show your appreciation for her company. Find out what her love language is so when you intend to make a meaningful gesture that it's profoundly received.

When it's time to go home for a the holidays, invite her to dinner with your family. Introduce her with pride and a smile on your face, smooth over any awkward bumps that come with the first time she meets them. Offer to meet her family and bring a bottle of something or a dessert from your favorite bakery. Remember everyone's name, jot it down in a note in your phone if you need to. When they ask how you met, include every detail and how you felt about running into someone so special.

After a couple of years when you're graduating and thinking about where to live, ask her to move in with you. When she says yes, take the reigns and find someplace that suits both your needs. Give her her keys on a cute key ring that represents an inside joke or something special to her that only you know about. Make dinner your first night there, put on some music and dance with her when you're done.

Do your share of the cleaning and work, take care of her when she's sick, buy her some flowers now and then. When you are ready, measure her favorite ring and go get one in her size at the jeweler's. Propose to her in whatever way she's been hinting would be her favorite for the past 6 months.

Wedding plans, honeymoon, kids, college, you can't believe how quickly it all goes by when you're both waving to your son as he pulls out of the driveway. Shuffle your stiff body up the steps and give her a kiss on the forehead and say good night.

I think my thoughts on this are better said by a passage from More Than Two:

>[R]emember that your relationship with your child is a relationship, and a very high-maintenance one. And you need to care for that relationship when you are in the throes of a new romance. Just as your partners may feel insecure and scared, so might your children. They too may need reassurance that they are still special, still loved, still irreplaceable.

Dating when you have kids is hard, just like polyamory is hard. It's unfortunate that in this case the child isn't happy with how things are, but I don't think that this is unique in any way to polyamory and certainly isn't any indication that polyamory necessarily harms children.

We don't allow pirated materials on seddit out of respect for the professionals who come on here to do AMAs, so don't even post the links. You will be banned.

Does this link not work for you? That is the ebook version.

She’s pretty clearly motivated by the idea of having money, and I cannot stand her thus far, but this conversation reminded me of The Five Love Languages. (An absolutely amazing book and a breezy read that everyone should check out. I can’t believe how much it made me understand myself and others.)

Basically, for some people, gifts are their love language. And I don’t necessarily mean that in a materialistic way. Giving and receiving gifts, however small, makes them feel loved. I don’t like using the phrase “gold digger” because it has such misogynistic connotations and also implies that there’s something wrong with transactional relationships when they’re actually perfectly fine and quiet common.

But I’m curious about Larissa—I wish we could tap into a parallel universe and see how she reacted to him having a bouquet of flowers for her when she arrived. Would she have bitched about the quality of the flowers like Daya in season two? Or would it have given her a little reassuring emotional boost that protected her from feeling such deep disappointment when she saw the underwhelming dreariness of Las Vegas for the first time?

I want to like Colt and dislike her, but I suspect they both may turn out to be quite different from their portrayals in the first two episodes.

Sorry for the long rambling! My brain has not had enough caffeine injected into it yet.

I'd highly recommend reading "And Baby Makes Three" by John and Julie Gottman. Or, they also have a workshop called "Bringing Baby Home" which is wonderful prenatally or postpartum.

The few things we did with my first that was VERY helpful, was:

1. We set one time every week to check in, and that stayed consistent. We do a Sunday lunch together as a family, and asked, very deliberately "How are you doing?". This was awesome because it meant I didn't bring things up in the heat of the sleep-deprived moment. If it still bothered me by Sunday, I brought it up.
   
2. We figured out what Three things we needed for our own mental health. For my husband, that's a shower, exercise, and sunlight (also, sleep). For me, it was a four hour stretch of sleep, getting outside, and space when I'm "touched out".
   
3. Hearing "You're right, it's not fair, you are taking on more than me" was the most relieving thing I had heard at any given point.
   
4. (in retrospect) Muddle through, be as kind as you can, and it'll get better eventually.
   
   I found that most executive functioning, communicating well, maintaining my ability to laugh at myself were nigh impossible in the toughest of times. We totally got through it, but we didn't have the connection we do now. I anticipate that with trying to manage the needs of two little ones, my own, and my husbands, we're in for another rocky number of months, but I do feel confident we'll reach the other side.

There is a book called the five love languages. It talks about the five main ways people feel loved. What makes you feel loved may not make your significant other feel loved. For example, if receiving a gift from your S.O. makes you feel most loved, you may feel like giving your S.O. a gift makes him/her feel loved as well, but that may not be important to them. Maybe their love language is physical touch, and therefore sex, or backrubs, or hand holding makes them feel most loved.

TLDR: It's a book that discusses different ways people feel loved. Not a bad read IMO.

I want to mention that while this was a great self observation on u/Cejarrood's part (and kudos to you for asking how you can make your partner feel loved, although it does seem to be potentially solely within the context of getting sex), what is true for her is not necessarily true for your girlfriend. You girlfriend may be less interested in sex than you because she's not feeling loved, or she could have hormonal sex drive dip because of menopause, or be stressed about work, or have a chronic headache, or have had a dream where you killed her brother the night before, or any number of countless reasons. I think it's great to get other women's perspectives but you really need to talk to your girlfriend about her experience, it will save you a lot of time. And if she does say something like she loves sex when she feels loved, relaxed and happy, then ask *her* what are things you can do that make her feel that way. Again, it could be a solo bubble bath and time away from the kids for one person, and for another it's a family outing, and for another it's an intimate cuddle on the couch with you.

Here is a good resource on love languages: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

I've been married over 10 years and can confirm /u/Im_Bee knows what they're talking about.

I recommend checking out the book the 5 love languages.

You may not feel like showing love, but she doesn't either. One of you has to start. It's not about who's fault it is, it's about the path you choose to take going forward.

Love isn't that butterfly feeling you got when you were a teenager. Love is a choice, and love is work. Love is sacrificing yourself everyday for their benefit.

My husband and I have been together about 9 years, married for 3 years. I find myself more and more attracted to him as time goes on. I love walking through life and all of it's changes with him. I love seeing him grow in his faith, his work, his other relationships with family and friends. And now, with our first baby (a boy!) on the way, I am only growing more in love with him by the day! I can't wait to give birth to our new little addition to the family and see him become the great dad I know he will be.

I guess spark-wise, we make time to "date" and spend quality time together. Intimacy is a priority in our marriage. That doesn't always mean it leads to sex, but sex is often a fundamental part of marriage. We try our best to communicate well. We talk often. When we eat dinner together, phones and any other technology is put away so we can focus on each other.

We know each other's love languages. If you haven't read the book, I recommend it!

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481727850&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Five+Love+Languages

I'm happily paired off now, but used to follow this stuff more. For guys seeking women, I think the books The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson are the books that best encompass the best advice that I accumulated over the years, and that has worked for me and other guys I know.

The book that helped us the most was "They were not ashamed" -- the author is an LDS sex therapist.

> How do you define what is "okay" and what isn't? How do you come to some conclusion on topics that you might disagree on? Or what if one partner is more experimental and exploratory than the other? What are good boundaries?

That's between the 2 of you.

You may want to try seeing a family sex therapist yourselves, to empower you with the language needed to work through this on your own.

It's because of the USFSPA, an act by Congress to counter to a Supreme court ruling in 1981. It's not automatic, but it definitely screws the military member over, specifically male members, but not always men, usually it's just the person who follows ethical actions that gets screwed. The less ethical person gets rewarded.

It was put into place because too many military men were screwing over their wives and kicking them to the curb for younger models, or abandoning their families, and men did have unfair advantages at the time. So the courts got involved trying to fix the problem, the feminists pushed for fairness for women, but now a women has more rights than a man in the court system.

And then you hear about nice guys getting cleaned out by their wives when she gets the 7 year itch and needs an "Alpha" guy now, and he's now in debtors prison because he can't pay the crazy spouse/child support, or can't see his own kids because Child Protective Counselors advised her to claim shit so she would be in control. Because the court system is incentivised to extract as much money from the man as possible, via lawyers and court mandated programs. It can be used against a woman who is the primary breadwinner in a relationship and happens also, but men still usually make more money, so that's why the courts target men. It's why /r/MensRights exists, even if they do come off as misogynistic assholes sometimes.

Now don't think that men are blameless, spousal abuse is horrendous, and the assholes who do it and need to be held accountable, but a woman can beat up a man in his own house, or cry rape and he's instantly the bad guy and removed from the situation. Who wants to help a pussy who can't defend himself, yet if he does, he's automatically thrown in jail, and can loose everything.

The reality of the situation is it's no longer beneficial for a man in today's society to get married any more, the financial/emotional/incarceration risks are no longer worth it. Only the religious think the "man ruling the roost" marriage is a good idea anymore.

You really want to blow your mind? Read this

Maybe you should check out the five love languages.

The crux is that everyone gives love and everyone receives love best in one of five ways: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch

It's possible you receive love with Words of Affirmation, and he gives his love in a different way. Does he buy you things? Spend time with you?

I have this with my dad, because he's a gifts guy generally, and I'm a quality time or words of affirmation person. It took a while to realize he loves me, but he shows it differently than I expect.

There's this popular book called The 5 Love Languages that seems relevant to the issue you're talking about. I haven't actually read the book myself, but from what my therapist was saying the idea is that people sort of have preferred channels for demonstrating and receiving "love." On an intuitive level it sort of makes sense, and it explains a lot of the issues I've had in the past with a couple of my exes.

The fives languages are as follows:

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Acts of Service
  
• Affection
  
• Quality Time
  
• Gifts
  
  For me it's mostly about quality time, then a tie between words of affirmation and affection, then acts of service, and then gifts (which hardly registers at all). You can take the official test to see how your languages are distributed. I don't usually buy into things like this, but it definitely helped explain a lot to me (although I should probably read the actual book).
  

I got you: Models by Mark Manson

Well said. I'm reminded of the book, Sex at Dawn in which the whole "males are more sexual than females" stereotype is debunked. A good read if you're interested in the subject.

Me and my wife were TBM's when we got married (in the temple), and therefore had not done anything more risque than french kissing before our wedding night. However, we did a lot of reading and research about the topic, and tried to be communicative about what we expected.

I recommend this book:
And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson. She is a TBM certified family councilor, and the book is about approaching sexuality from a positive, healthy viewpoint. She confronts a lot the the problems with how the church handles sexuality very constructively.

Finally, after reading that and talking it over, we decided NOT to just plunge into things on the wedding night; to take it slowly. This is an approach I (as an ex-mormon) and my wife (still Mormon) highly recommend. The night of our wedding we were exhausted and didn't get to our hotel until late. We took turns in the bathroom changing into flannel pajamas we had acquired for the occasion, and then just cuddled until we fell asleep. No sex, and it was wonderful, since we had never slept in the same bed before!

In the morning, we woke up and made out like never before, and went all the way to second base. Super exciting! But then we packed up and drove to the lake house we had rented for the honeymoon proper.

Once we got there around 11 am, we unpacked and made lunch, and then had the rest of the day to fool around and get comfy with eachother. Lots of making out and slow revelations. I was fully prepared (and completely happy) to not go all the way for a day or two, but we ended up losing all our inhibitions by that evening and going for it.

Things go SO much better if you're not under pressure. And if you've waited this long, an extra day or two is not going to kill you!

Grandpa here, and I've been down this path. Like the time I bought her that white sweater.... it got returned. I also think back to my dad telling me how individualized cars are, and how it was a big epiphany to him when he realized that it was important for mom to have the car she wanted and not so much what he thought she needed. He and I were both engineers so our brain always wants to go to "let me calculate the solution you need" and people don't work that way.

Let me try to pass along some older guy wisdom, so walk with me here:

Your 'best efforts' as you phrase it were to give her gifts that were what you wanted her to have; not so much what she wanted to have. As an artist, your creations are always about you and your concept of whatever it is. Even if it's meant for someone else, dragon colors and everything. It's still very much your expression. To you, this is a very meaningful thing from you and I think that you want them to be a surprise.

But human psychology doesn't work that way. We all have very individualized ways of how we want to feel loved. That's the main point from the very popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. An issue is that lots of people lavish onto their spouse the treatment that they want, not realizing that it's not at all what the spouse wants and their attempts to make them feel love don't work at all. Unfortunately, it's super common.

Now this is where it seems like takes some real jedi mind reading skills and it ain't always easy. You're trying to completely remove the thinking of what you want and slide into their mind and think of what they want. With practice you can get really good at it over a lifetime. To be honest, it's a lot better to forget with the surprises and flat out ask what they want, gather the details and literally write it down. No joke.

Firstly, you should read The 5 Love Languages if you haven't already.


Secondly, you can not expect to have a healthy relationship if your attitude is "She kept things from me, so it's OK if I keep things from her!" That's childish, immature, and no way to treat your partner.


Thirdly, you should be direct and upfront with this girl if you want to continue the relationship. Don't hide things from her, especially things you think would upset her.


Lastly, the first few months of any relationship are great. That's what is known as the 'Honeymoon Phase'. Generally, it fades and either evolves into comfortable love, fizzles out entirely, or falls somewhere in between. Things between you will not be the same as they were then, if for no other reason than the fact that you now have a history together. Don't strive for that, instead work towards a happy, healthy, mutually respectful relationship with your partner.

I'm still not sure if your problem was with her actual phrasing or the phrase she probably meant to type. Try reading up, maybe. The Ethical Slut. Opening Up. It's ok if it's not for you, no need to complain about it though.

There are dozens of reasons I lose interest or let the conversation fade. Sometimes it's something innocuous that leaves a bad taste. Sometimes I realize I'm not invested at all and don't care how the person is doing/feeling/answers random questions. Often though, I just get busy and have no time to bother anymore.

One thing that has turned me off to OLD lately isn't even OLD. It's this sub and the constant barrage of people saying they've had enough of OLD. It'll never end. Forever alone. Ugh. Any kind of dating is what you make of it. Of course it gets to be much at times and people need breaks. Before OLD breaks were just being single and making yourself happy. Or being single and downing a bottle of wine during TGIF and sobbing a bit at Urkel. Now it's some big ordeal that we all have to whine about on the internet. I think I've just been spending too much time in this sub. It been a little bit daily for a while. I much more liked my once a week or less fill. /rant

Go commiserate with friends for a bit. Take the break. There's a whole ocean of people out there. But don't pick any of them, they're probably all dead.

Opening Up


Ethical Slut

Definitely say something! I think the two of you need to have a discussion about this when you are NOT in the bedroom or watching porn-ish movie scenes. You need to find a way to separate the fantasy and dirty talk from the actual discussion about this.

Don't be afraid to put your cards in the table. Tell her your concerns.

I identified as straight for many years. I'm in a hetero marriage. But now I consider myself bisexual and I've had relationships with women. It is clear to me that if I'd met Ms. Right instead of Mr. Right, I would have identified as lesbian. But I often think trying to define sexually is just.... Semantics. Your wife is interested in some sort of experimentation with you, and you two need to decide if it is staying as fantasy (dirty talk in her ear) or if it'll possibly happen someday.

I highly recommend the book Opening Up to help you both have a better discussion about these sorts of things.

to be honest, where i am right now, SW has made me more compassionate and healed me in a way that i couldn't get from my civilian life. it helped me cultivate a sense of power, confidence, and taught me more about how to have boundaries than any therapy modality could. i no longer have anger or hurt towards the clients i see who are married. i have a much more nuanced way of seeing people and relationships now, and that's where i'm able to have compassion for all people. i feel more like a therapist now than i did years before doing SW, and see how complicated people are.

i know what you're feeling because i've felt it too. i have gotten to a much different place now, though it took years out of SW to finally get there, and now i'm back with a much wiser and healthier perspective as a working SW again.

around the time i first started escorting around age 23 was when i came to the discovery/realization that my own father was a client. i saw his laptop open with a browser tab on eros, and coupled with many other pieces of info, i just knew he was a clientl! that, coupled with who he was a father and husband to my mother, made me lose my shit because he wasn't the best, and it gave me a very negative view of men for most of my 20s. after that, i went back to civilian jobs and slowly healed myself.

being a SW is marginalizing, but it's also incredibly powerful to have the kind of perspectives and knowledge about the world and how men operate that we get to see that civilians don't. i start with the idea of having this knowledge is extremely powerful and enlightening and build upon that. we are like deities who have secret info about the rest of mankind that other women are blind to. knowledge is power.

IMHO, sex work will change you, but it doesn't necessarily have to hurt you. it depends on how you choose to see the world and seek out new relationships with the new knowledge you know about men and relationships. there are two main perspectives i see with having this newfound understanding:

1. you focus on the loss of a disney-influenced monogamous fairytale of "the one" or prince charming and live in despair and feel like a victim.
   
2. you understand that modern monogamy is outdated for the contemporary world, and as a SW we are enlightened and lucky enough to have access to this knowledge of how most men are -- lying about their monogamy in order to sustain a piece of status or image and to avoid being alone. you understand that we have been lied to our entire lives about what monogamy is, and the lie that most men are monogamous and you will live happily ever after. you get that happily ever after is a lie, and many couples pretend they are happy and perfect when they are full of issues. as someone with this knowledge, i feel privileged to have it and be aware of it instead of living in ignorance like so many civilian women do, believing their prince charming husband is some angel working overtime, while he's spending thousands on SWs.
   
   it actually gives us an advantage over civilian women in finding the right kind of man because we understand that civilian women are lied to constantly by their own partners, families and society about what the world and what the men in their lives are actually like. it just means we have to find the right kind of man who is honest with himself and all of his partners. it will take more work, more time, but it will make our future relationships stronger if we act accordingly.
   
   gathered from my civilian dating life and sw life, what i find most noticeable about men is that men who are more focused on status and tradition are more likely to be in a monogamous relationship, but will have their cake behind their partners back. they do love their partners, but they also force their partners into non-consensual open relationships without the knowledge that it is so. they are deceivers and liars, but are they exactly monsters? no. just complicated men who aren't able to live authentically and live a life of lies on a daily basis.
   
   luckily there are more men than ever before, especially in younger generations, who are becoming more honest about what they want, and their relationships. ethical non-monogamy is an option and many people are very happy living that way. I think a lot of non-monogamous or poly couples are much better at communication than monogamous men/people are, and that is kind of by design. i've just emerged into my non-monogamous identity, and as someone who is dating and trying to meet a primary partner, I've found that men who are open to real honest & ethical non-monogamy are men who are more likely to be sw-friendly and understand it as real work, but also are just more open about everything in general. while obviously not every non-mono guy is like that, it's much more apparent than in monogamous men who don't know how to communicate and play games. it's a breath of fresh air actually.
   
   some videos for intros to non-monogamy:
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cVPDSHSaW4
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7E9ASb3LfE
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW8jW946HE0
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_3ZHePuZ9U
   
   ...and of course this book, the bible of polyamory/NM: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1442200227&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224
   
   ​
   
   ​

Okay, so first, what you're looking for isn't monogamous, it's polyamorous or polyfidelitous. The people at /r/polyamory could be a good resource for you as well.

Before talking to her, or maybe as you are, I'd recommend reading The Ethical Slut. There's a lot of very important information about how to communicate and navigate the weird waters of non-monogamy. It's also a quick read.

Good luck, play safe.

> he doesn't ever offer to cook

> He doesn't buy me flowers, light candles or organise dates for us

You sound like an acts of service kind of woman. Go read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, figure out what your husband is, then start loving on him in his languages. He should naturally reciprocate. Try it for like one month and see if it works.

FYI: People typically have a primary and a secondary language. Use both of his (and get to know yours).

Just because they gave you attention and support, it might not have been the attention and support your mind craved.

example: your parents hug you and show up at your games and tell you you're amazing.. but your mind needs motivation.

Sometimes parents are too easy to please, so their kids don't feel the need to please them, and thus crave things/people to please, and usually they aren't positive.

Edit: I'm referring to different "love languages" here. I re read my comment and it doesn't make total sense, but this is a great read for more than just SO relationships.

See if you can get him to read/work through Athol Kay's stuff with you.

https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8/

David Deida's work may be too abstract for him; but it might be helpful to one of you in dealing with male/female polarity issues.

Some potentially helpful reading/viewing:

• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Very well-respected piece of literature, it might help you notice where things went wrong and how to fix them.
  
• Foreplay, on Sexplanations. I know zero about your sex life beyond apparently "not enough of it" but it's possible that what you want out of sex might be too different in scope to satisfy her to the same degree. I dunno, give it a look; I learned from it. Great channel, too.
  
  Hopefully you can patch things up or at least remain friends. While a lot can happen/change in three and a half years, the issues that arise are not always insurmountable. You can counter this failure with learning and possibly give things another go - if not with her, then with another.

You do stand a chance of pulling it off but first some reading:

1. The Ethical Slut
   
   
2. Opening Up
   
   
3. r/polyamory
   
   Not necessarily in that order.

Have you thought about a poly relationship? There are plenty of people who don't have sexual relationships with their primary partner, but do maintain a serious connection and life together. This can be because of mismatched kinks, sexuality, sex drive, physical disability, whatever. If you have a great life together otherwise, why get rid of it? I'm bi, I'm married with kids, I have a girlfriend who I love dearly (who happens to also be married) and my life is full of joy. I never really explored my sexuality until we decided to open up our relationship and honestly, it's been easier to explore because I have my marriage to hide behind if I need to. My husband is so supportive and accepting, it's really nice.

If a non-monogamous relationship seems like something that might work for you, I would suggest reading the book Opening Up. The only people who can define your marriage are you and your husband.

You have one shot at life, do it right and be happy, lady. :)

The book Sex at Dawn is a great read. It has a lot of information on Bonobos and Chimpanzees and how they compare to us sexually. The major hypothesis is that humans are not actually biologically monogamous (and only culturally in ideal). He tries to prove the point by comparing us ti hunter gatherer cultures and to what is known of our closest ape relatives (Bonobos & Chimps) and the other Apes and primates.

I've been reading Sex at Dawn recently which argues that in our agricultural ancestors lived non-monogamous lives during our hunter-gatherer days. The gist of it is that humans spent most of humanity living an egalitarian lifestyle that in a historical sense, was only disrupted recently.

While the book has nothing at all to do with UBI, reading between the lines it would seem that humans have the wiring to return to that sort of lifestyle, but we have a couple centuries of cultural baggage we need to get past.

This lines up pretty well with the book Sex at Dawn, which I read recently. It's quite an interesting read.

Here are some things for them to read, think about, and try:

• The SO30 Wiki
  
  
• A Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex
  
  
• How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic
  
  
• The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition
  
  
• Sensate Focus: Getting Out of Your Head and Into Your Body During Sex
  
  
• Sensate Focus exercises
  
  
• Sensual and Erotic Massage
  
  
• OMG Yes!!!
  
  
• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
  
  
• Extraordinary Passion -- The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex
  
  The first three have links to lots more resources as well.
  
  Happy exploring!

TL;DR: RUN, don't walk, away from this man.


The issue that you need to focus on is not about tantra, it is not about non-monogamy. It is about you needing to be in an emotionally and physically safe relationship that supports your growth.


This guy is an asshole. The sexual issues and his active alcoholism are ways for him to string you along into helping him. Yes, his mother died, and that's a terrible thing, but it is not your cross to bear. Especially with all of this coworker bullshit going on.


He doesn't sound like he's able to be in a healthy non-monogamous relationship, given his lack of communication with you about "wanting snuggles" before telling you this other woman was coming over. That was also pretty mean of him to do to you.


Rule #1 with non-monogamy is to communicate. Rule #2 is to respect your partner. He's doing neither of those things.


He needs therapy, not non-monogamy, and not certainly not tantric sex with you.


Re: developing a tantric practice with someone you're in a non-monogamous relationship with? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be, however if it is possible, the relationship must be healthy and safe.


That's not at all what's happening here. Tantric sex will put you in a more emotionally vulnerable position with him. You will be on the hook for more of his toxic bullshit. He will be able to manipulate you more than he's doing now.


Given what you've written about what's happening now, neither tantra nor non-monogamy sound emotionally safe and I think it would lead to damaging yourself emotionally if you were to do so.


I know you want to help him, and that you're in love with him, however you need to focus on being good to yourself. You deserve to be with someone who loves, respects and communicates with you. This guy is not at all that. He's a spineless asshole who's trying to manipulate you.


Get yourself the support you need to untangle yourself from this relationship so you can move forward in creating a beautiful life for yourself.



YOU DO NOT DESERVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE THIS



Want more info?:
Check out r/nonmonogamy



Read: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton. It's an excellent guide for navigating relationships of all kinds.

edit: formatting

I am not equipped to help you out here because a lot of what you're saying doesn't sound like a good enough situation to be voluntarily testing the breaking points for a relationship on top of it all. There's a lot of tension in your lives that you might want to resolve a bit first. If you're open to it - actually, really, open to it, you both need to talk about it and all of the issues you've got already and how to resolve those as well as mediate your insecurities and boundaries.

One thing though:

>I don’t want to demand that he only see someone else x days a week cause that’s kinda shitty

This isn't, by any means, a one size fits all relationship style - it's fairly anarchic. You get to make your own rules. Especially to start, it sounds like you are going to need a lot of extra attention paid to you to reaffirm that your bond is strong and you feel special. He needs to be there to do that and he should want to because he loves you and wants you to be happy too. Ensuring that you have appropriate time for each other is absolutely key.

My wife and I have rules about how many dates per week are appropriate because we want to ensure that neither of us feels neglected by the other. We want to make sure we both feel special and loved and enjoy all that new relationship energy and intimacy with others without guilt or worry.

That's what's great about all this - you can tailor your relationship to fit your desires and needs. But it's work.

Do yourself a favor and check out these resources:

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

The Ethical Slut

and this one that I just discovered and is awesomely helpful for dealing with jealousy (which you are like 99% guaranteed to feel):
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola

Don't go into this lightly or on a whim, please communicate with each other and ensure that this is what you want. You can go forward, but you cannot go back the way you came and assume you'll end up where you started.

See for me and my wife we agreed that divorce was never an option while the kids were home. And because of that we worked through some real hard shit (massive post partum depression) which we might not have otherwise got over.

My advice is this: Love is not just an emotion, it's a verb. You choose to love through actions and choices. I'm 14 years into marriage and we've had "good times and bad" but through it all we get stronger.

If any of you are pups entering into marriage I would recommend you and your partner read this book. It helped my wife and I immensely.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The tl;dr of it is this: We all show and accept love in different ways. If you show love in a way differently than your partner receives it, you can both be left felling unloved. So make an effort to show your partner love in their way, even if it's not your goto.

example: My wife feels love through verbal encouragement. I was raised to leave things unsaid. But now I tend to be sure to make a choice to verbalize things I would not have done, just because it helps her feel loved.

I feel love through acts of service, that's why I'm always working hard to serve my family. My wife's not naturally wired that way so a few times a week she goes out of her way to do a little thing that helps me feel loved. (She pressed my shirts for work this weekend while I was out with the kids, usually that's my job).

Most people recommend The Five Love Languages when it comes to showing affection to your partner. Not everyone views gifts as appropriate gestures, and some people don't hear the words 'I love you' and automatically feel loved. Recognizing what your partner needs to feel appreciated, loved, etc. early on will help that person to see you as an affectionate person. It also helps when the other person knows what they need, but not everybody gets their point across.

Something that always works is listening and having compassion. You can't give your partner what they need if your mind isn't open to learning what that is.

Use your imagination!

But seriously, there are tonnes of ideas you can get from porn or from searching around. Once you start thinking kinky, the dollar store can be a treasure trove of pervertables.

I'm not sure about swimsuits and latex, but if you're into the same tight feeling of mummification with plastic you can buy rolls of plastic wrap. Check out pallet wrap as well.

Scarves can be found for very cheap and make for great restraints or blindfolds.

Good quality rope is a bit more expensive, but worth it. Research your rope beforehand:

• Hemp and jute are the "classic" tan-coloured rope you see in most bondage shoots for good reason: it's solid, doesn't stretch much, and holds a knot really well while not being impossible to untie. Good for all levels.
  
  
• Cotton rope can be comfortable for light bondage, but it stretches, making some knots very difficult to get undone if struggled against. Good for begining and very light bondage.
  
  
• MFP (Multi-filament-polypropylene) is comfortable like cotton but holds its' shape like hemp or jute. It's a good beginning material, but more expensive.
  
  
• Polypropylene rope (the kind you might find on a dock) is very uncomfortable, painful, and difficult to undo knots (this stuff: http://www.dingocroft.co.uk/acatalog/ropeyelow6m.jpg ). Do not use (unless you're a sadistic bastard)
  
  For rope bondage, here is an excellent introduction pdf: http://www.kinkfriendly.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/kinkfriendly_org_rope_101_compressed.pdf
  
  Here are some other valuable rope/bondage resources:
  
  
• Two Knotty Boys - http://www.knottyboys.com/code/downloads.php - Hundreds of instructional videos for rope bondage
  
  
• The Better Built Bondage Book - http://www.tbbbb.com/ - Do It Yourself guide to bondage furniture and accessories; a fantastic book
  
  
• Complete Shibari Volume 1 - http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-Volume-1-Land/dp/0973668814/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y - Japanese-style rope bondage instructional book.
  
  
• Complete Shibari Volume 2 - http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-Volume-2-Sky/dp/0973668822 - Volume 2 of the above, with suspensions
  
  Hope that helps!
  
  EDIT: Formatting.

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/

My partner and I were only really okay with opening things up once we talked about the difference between "loving" and "committing".


I am committed to her, and I love her. I may love anyone we bring in, but I will never commit to them.

On top of that, we both read a few books and articles regarding what's unfulfilling about pure monogamy.

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult, I'm not saying there wasn't a lot of shouting and tears, but I am saying we both got through it and are much better for it.

Also, like you... she is bisexual and we first opened things up with a threesome to make it an "us" thing instead of a "you" or "me" thing.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489

This is a good book on the subject. They speculate 20% of children are raised unknowingly by a man who isn't their father (who don't know as well).

Warning: I'm going to shit all over your post and you will be mad about it. But if you really want to improve, you will swallow this bitter medicine and start on the road to actually becoming attractive.

> I'm not entitled

Yes you are. This whole post is dripping with resentment because things aren't going your way.

Does that upset you? It will because we aren't going to take your bullshit.

I hate to rain on your pity parade, but that's life. Nobody is going to hand you the keys to riches or women just because you fucking want it. You need to put your shoulders to the plough and work for it.

> I believe I'm cursed

The universe is incapable of blessing or cursing anybody. You have a bad case of demanding the universe (and women) should like you because you are friendly to them and they are friendly in return.

It doesn't work like that.

Literally this whole post can be boiled down to a spoiled child throwing a tantrum because his favorite toy was taken away.

You can cry about it, or you can make yourself better.

> I literally get friendzoned by every single girl.

That's because you aren't being honest with them or yourself. You want to bang these women, but you don't have a spine to actually show them that intent until long after you feel safe that they like you. You are sneaking around their emotions like a thief. You are trying to trick them into bed with a fake facade of "being nice".

Literally, you are a coward.

You won't make a sexual move until long after the friend relationship has started.

> I'm 100% convinced like me who just flat out act like I'm the most hideous guy when I actually have the balls to escalate our situation.

But you don't escalate the situation. You friendzone them immediately. You make no move. Then, long after the friend relationship is established, your real intent comes out and she realizes that the previous relationship was a complete and utter lie to try and get into her pants.

Imagine your best friend suddenly confessed his undying love to you. How would you react? Like a little snot-nosed shit, if this post is any indication.

> I truly don't see why [my friends] have success and I don't [...] they aren't that much different from me.

I see this all the time at my gym. People come wanting to have the washboard abs and the chiseled chest, but what do they do? They show up for two days, then never come back again. I see this over and over. You know who gets those abs? Those who put hundreds of hours in the gym. There is no shortcut.

You know why your friends are successful? They talked, flirted, and were rejected by hundreds of girls before finding the one "who wants the D". But you don't see all that hard work. You only notice their results. They are different from you because they put in the work and you did not. For whatever reason, you don't see how much work they put into their game.

You aren't going to get rippling pectorals from two pullups. It takes hundreds of pullups before you see results. Likewise, it takes hundreds of approaches and rejections before you start seeing results and improvements with women.

>I do everything right but still fail

You want to know a secret? You can do everything right and still fail. Not every girl is going to like you. Not every girl is going to sleep with you. Most of all, these girls aren't going to put up with your bullshit.

>Any advice?

So you made it this far without ragequitting. There might be hope for you yet.

First, flush all of that bullshit I've pointed out from your system. Write off all the "progress" you think you've made. You need to get back to the basics and practice fundamentals. If you aren't prepared for a long hard grind, then stop reading right now and come back when you are humiliated and humbled enough to actually start grinding.

Now I want you to pick up a copy of Models. Read the whole thing. Thanksgiving is coming up, so I know you will have time. Especially the first part.

Did that book sink in? If not, go reread it again.

Now read your post above. Think about what you've read and look at how your neediness, entitlement, and bitter resentment is gushing throughout your post.

Next is fucking bootcamp. You need to rack up approaches and rejections like a junkie with a bad habit. You need to put in the sweat and blood and fear flirting is reflexive. This isn't a Q&A subreddit. This is a gym. We can help, but only if you put in the work. There are no shortcuts here.

Along the way, you need to build out yourself into somebody attractive. There are hundreds of posts about "Inner Game" here and Models talks about it extensively in the first part. This is how you become a better person. This is how you kill resentment and bitterness. This is how you become a better man.

And finally, so there are no surprises, this takes a long time and it takes effort. Hundreds of approaches. Hundreds of rejections. How fast or slow you progress is directly proportional to the effort and time you put in. Again, no shortcuts.

This will take months. It might take years. It's all up to you.

Now, are you going to start the grind, or will you continue to complain?

Dude, women are people--not assets. This is a person you like. Definitely stay friends with her.

Read Models by Mark Manson and watch this crappy quality video of one of his talks. Best beginner advice there is.

I can offer my opinion from the other side of things. My wife cheated on me and I found out through her phone and emails. It hurt. A fucking lot. It felt like I was stabbed in the heart. But we survived and I can honestly say our marriage is better than before. It took a lot of fucking work to get here but we did it.


If you want to save your marriage, you will have to be an open book and be honest. Her trust in you is shot. And part of the way to rebuild that is to get everything in the open. No secrets.

My brain went nuts after the affair and I was like your wife. I wanted to know where, why, how, etc. and she eventually told me everything. It did put me at ease a bit because she was honest about the whole thing and truly did show repentance. That was big for me, it showed she did care and knows she made a helluva mistake. For me, if I didn't see that we wouldn't be together today.

That goes against what others have said in this thread and I see their points, but IMO airing things allows both of you to move on. It will take her longer but you will have to be patient.

Therapy. I can't stress this enough. If you haven't made the appointment, why? The therapy will allow both of you to talk things through. And the nice thing is there will be someone there who will keep things civil.

One other thing I might offer is to check out the book, The 5 Love Languages. It was recommended to us. It's very short and helped my wife and I re-address our relationship and be feel valued through different actions, etc.

Good luck.

Just off the top of my head:

• Children. What are your plans for your children? Are you the same denomination? If not, which will you raise your children in? How many do you want? Are either of you Catholic and lean towards N.F.P or are you okay with birth control?
  
  
• Finances. How much do you spend? What are your long term financial goals? Do you want to travel? Do you want to help your future children out with college? Do either of you want to be the stay-at-home parent for your children while the other works? What debts do you two have individually? How do you plan to pay them off?
  
  
• Sex. Likes? Dislikes? Hard limits? Level of kink? Good at communicating and being open to your partners desires without them feeling self-conscious? Frequency? General compatibility?
  
  Also...go buy The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Out of curiosity, why would you ask a religious subreddit for advice after explicitly identifying as an atheist who actively dislikes organized religion? In all likelihood, beyond suggesting that you seek out a church and pray, it's unlikely that anyone here would be able to give any more special advice than anyone in another subreddit would. Anyway, like I said, just curious.

As for the food issue, I would say that you should try to start small. If you're over-eating, don't try to go straight to celery and ice cubes, but rather try cutting out some of the more egregious offenses to your diet, e.g. potato chips, dessert, etc. As you find you can do this successfully, then keep taking small steps. Trying to make big leaps is a pretty sure recipe for failure unless you have a very strong will (which it sounds like you don't with regard to these issues, given that you're in this situation in the first place!). If you combine this with moderate exercise, you could see some results fairly quickly. This could be something as simple as going for a 30 minute walk every day.

With regard to your job, I don't know what you do or what your qualifications are, but maybe it's time for a switch! You could try taking job diagnostics online or seeing if anyone in your area offers career counseling. A lot of local libraries sometimes have job resources for free. If you have the resources, perhaps it's time to retrain and go back to school or another professional development program. Depending on your field, sometimes lateral movements to other companies can result in a significant increase in salary and possibly responsibility if that's what you feel like is lacking.

As for your marriage, I would suggest as a small step in the right direction reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Though he is Christian and this book does contain some Biblical references, it's very applicable to everyone. I'm not saying it's going to cure whatever is going on between you and your spouse, but it could help! It seems like you listed these issues in order of increasing seriousness, so as the problems get bigger, unfortunately the advice becomes less and less applicable.

A year without sex sounds fucking crazy to me. Sex was extremely painful for me after giving birth for about 4 months until I fully healed...but I would try at least once a week and usually finish off with a blow job. My MIL always tells me, my husband was there before the baby and he'll be there after the baby has started his own life so it's important to take care of his needs too.

That being said, being a new mom is fucking weird you have this new little person that you love to death and all these crazy hormones raging through your body, if she's breast feeding her body is producing lots of estrogen which makes "down there" dry as a desert. You don't feel like you looks sexy...sleep deprived yada yada yada. If you want sex instead of just asking for it, make her dinner and clean the house or do something else special for her. Here's a book that may help. http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368333502&sr=1-1&keywords=And+baby+makes+three

Go check out a book called Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. I'd guess that's where OzmodiarTheGreat took most of his content from (maybe not, but that's pretty much how they lay it out) and it's a fascinating read, whether you end up buying the premise or not.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like my past marriage. No one can tell you what is the right move. The question is, do you want this to work? Do you really really want to run or do you want to work it out? If you want to make it work, it sounds like you both need to go to marriage counseling. It will be rough for both of you but not impossible.

If you are truly ready to be done and never see her again. Tell her. Most likely she'll want time to work it out. Again, up to you. If you leave, it will be rough as well.

Another note, it might be worth reading "5 love languages" I know it sounds cheesy but it could help.

Best of luck. From my experience it got worse but it will get better. :D

Have him read this book if he's willing. It's pretty self explanatory but sometimes people need things spelled out for them. Especially guys.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156

It's not impossible necessarily, but the concept in general can be kind of a turnoff for a lot of potential partners. u/violetbreen outlines a lot of the pitfalls really well, but basically it comes down to this: you need to remember that this person is a person. They will have wants and needs and feelings of their own that don't necessarily fit neatly within the box that you want them to fit into.

Questions to ask yourselves: Are you willing to be out with her as your partner (a lot to unpack here - what will you tell your families, how will you handle holidays, will you all live together, etc)? Will she be an equal parent to your child? Will she still be able to date people besides you? What will happen if her relationship with one of you winds up not working out but she's still in love with the other? Will you only have sex together as a group of three, or will you be able to pair off - or will only the two of you be allowed to have sex as a pair, but if she's involved then it has to be a threesome? If your marriage begins to struggle, will you include her in the conversations or therapy you engage in to try to repair the relationship? Are you willing to accept that your current relationship will be fundamentally and permanently altered once you enter into this new relationship?

There's a lot more than just these questions to consider. While the idea of an "equal partner" is alluring, it's important to recognize how tricky that relationship would be in practice. I'd encourage you to ask yourself why you specifically want an additional partner in your existing relationship versus each of you finding additional partners of your own. It's possible that you feel you would have better control of that type of situation, which makes sense but indicates that what you really want is control over your partner - meaning they would, in fact, not be "equal" after all.

If you haven't already, reading up on polyamory can be very helpful! My favorite resource is the book More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You may also find unicorns-r-us to be helpful in answering some of your questions.

You are NOT wrong. They are not treating you in an ethical manner. The simple fact is that you, and only you, can decide who you want to have sex with. If you have sex with B only so that you can have sex with A, this is clearly manipulative on their part, and will cause problems in your own head later on because of the "cost" of having sex with A. You may come to feeling crappy about sex with A because you have to "bribe" B with sex to get it.

My advice is to put your foot down, and don't have sex with anyone you don't want to, and according to their rules, that means you'll probably have to break up with them. If B goes along with what you want and harbors resentment because of it, they might veto, or they will just turn against you eventually, and that's going to cause a lot more hurt down the road. I hate to break it to you that way, but in the end, this type of "equality rule" is unethical, and just plain bad news.

This dynamic (Your sex with one is contingent upon sex with both) is discussed in a great book, More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You would do very well to read it if you haven't already, and decide how you want to go forward.

I disagree. The Ethical Slut doesn't adequately discuss committed relationships. It's old, dated, and only covers a very specific and somewhat tangential topic: how to sleep around ethically.

The book she wants is Opening Up, which actually covers polyamory, compersion, mono-poly, polyfidelity, and other topics that are far more relevant to her situation.

I think it's great that you're willing to look into polyamory even though your first experience with it was not so great.

I don't think that this girl handled her relationships badly, necessarily. She was honest and upfront with you about everything she wanted and did. She may need some time management skills and some general communication skills, but from your story, it didn't seem like she was unfair to you. I get how being told you are not her "main" boyfriend could have been painful, but maybe she was just trying to make sure you understood that her commitment is first and foremost to him and she wanted to be clear that she wasn't going to leave him for you. Some people go into relationships with polyamorous people thinking that if they love them enough, they'll be able to convert them to monogamy (which can happen, but might not too).

>I feel like this could have worked out if only I had been less insecure and not solely dependent on her for my relationship needs. Slowly I was managing to get rid of my jealous insecurities, and I even now question their rationality. I don't know that I could be in a poly relationship with this girl, but I can feel that it has definitely changed how I will approach future relationships.


You will probably never 100% "get rid" of jealous insecurities. We all have them from time to time. The difference for poly people is that we understand that jealousy is an emotion that stems from a fear of losing something. We will self analyze and work through what it is we're scared of losing, and seek reassurance when needed. Some people in poly have jealousies around their main partner, others have no jealousies with their main partner but tons with their secondary partner, etc. It's different for everyone, but it's important to get some insight into WHY you're feeling that way and go from there.


>How did you all come to be polyamorous? Was there some definitive experience, or did you just kinda know it was what you wanted?

I didn't know the word when I became polyamorous. I just knew that I had developed feelings for other people besides my husband. It started out as a sexual relationship mostly, but developed into more. We all thought that we weren't looking for "relationships" with other people, just sex with other people. Once we decided sex with just each other (I'm in a quad of 2 married couples), strong feelings of love developed. We decided to go for it, and research led us to the poly community.

You'll probably hear from more than one person, to read "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut". Probably the best books out there about open relationships/polyamory.

Edit: Content

Hi guys. The Ethical Slut is certainly the cannon for polyamorists, but my favorite book on the subject has been Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Be safe, have fun.

I'm so sorry for all of this, for who I am, for what I've done to you. I wish I could undo and unravel this mess but I can't, and for that I'm so sorry.

You can't unravel the mess, but you can make a new good start.

go get yourself "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald

https://www.amazon.ca/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Amazing book, excellent guide with timelines and concrete actions you can take to rebuild trust

How To Help Your Spouse After Your Affair

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

I just read “And Baby Makes Three” which has some good ideas for communication for new parents- May help some with the parental stress parts
amazon link

I used to be a nice guy, who thought I was screwed just by being a decent person. Last summer, I was a completely different person than I am now. I have changed tremendously.

Some of that was because I read a book from amazon called "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's a great book, but it taught me that women aren't attracted to men who value someone else's opinions more than their own. Women are attracted to a man who knows what he wants.

I used to obsess over everyone's opinion of me. Everyone had to like me. Now, I do what makes me happy. That's all that matters to me. If I'm happy, then what else could I want. That said, I still get told frequently that I am always nice. Nice because I am polite to people who treat me with respect. You respect me, I respect you. That simple.

Nice guys maintain this delusion because they think if they show everyone how nice they can be, that will get everyone to like them. But no one will have respect for a man that doesn't respect himself just because a few people don't respect him.

This is the purest and best way to go in my opinion. Not only will it make your romantic life better, it will make you better and more confident in all aspects of your life as well.

As for how to obtain it, I strongly recommend getting started with Mark Manson's book, "Models". It helped me through some tough times and built me up in a healthy way.

Oh man, man, man. I've encountered so many, but it still surprises me when I run across someone who's going through exactly the same thing I went through. We always feel so alone, right? I lost my virginity at age 27. And not just my virginity, she was the first girl I slept with, cuddled, made out with, my first girlfriend, the whole deal. I wanted a girlfriend since before I was 8 years old, but I had a lot of issues that got in the way. I won't bore you with the details.

I can't offer any comfort except to say that I know exactly how you feel. I still deal with envy sometimes even now. I'll throw out the books that really put me on the right path, just in case you're looking for something to read. The Gifts of Imperfection, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Models. Models is the best how-to guide to dating I've read. The other two were necessary to get me to a place where I could put those lessons into practice. Take care of yourself. Sex might seem like a huge deal, but you are really doing fine. Everyone figures out different things at different times.

Friend, I mean this in the nicest way possible, I think your PUA training was pretty shitty. Reading your 5 approaches/openers...I don't see how any of them would work, esp here in my home city (NYC). Some of the stuff was straight up cringeworthy =(

What I would do differently (please take this w/ a grain of salt - it's just my own opinions):

1. @ the hip/hipster bar, tall dude + chick. Would not open w/ opinion opener. Definitely not fistbump the dude that was shutting you down!!! If this place is a hip bar, you need to be hipper than them. Cooler. You don't need to ask their opinions on some question (till later, at least, once they see you're fucking cool and now have a reason to want to continue talking to you). You say, "you guys come to this place a lot? " they answer "yes/no". You say, "cool. This place is alright I guess. Just got back from CA, they actually have this really amazing bar there where the bartenders will do shots with you all night...(make all sorts of crazy, interesting shit up)"
   
   
2. Again, I wouldn't use an opinion opener. Approach black girl + indian guy. Just say "sup guys." Nod, raise your beer like the fucking man that you are. "Question: do you know what you get when you have an indian dude and a black girl at a bar?" (they look dumbfounded, but curious) "2 people ready for shots." If they're on, holler out "Bartender! Round of shots here!" Then talk, you badass shot-calling motherfucker. Even before I got into pickup, I hung around bars a LOT - sharing shots might be the quickest way to make friends =)
   
   
3. IMHO - one should NEVER tell a girl that she should smile more - I know some PUA's try that line...but 99% of girls I've talked to HATE it when guys tell them that. It's bossy and a little petty.
   
   And do drunk-I-Love-You-Lines work? It sounds weird to me. If a girl asked me that, I'd reply "no drunk I Love you's don't count, and I don't give 2 shits about your friend Nick/Steve/Jenny/Fuckface." I wouldn't use this as an opener, but maybe after a couple minutes of establishing your high value and her interest level in what you have to say. Why, you ask? Because it's really not that interesting of a question, and so far, you have given her 0 reasons to continue this conversation beyond "hello".
   
   Finally, I would recommend this book for you (it's my pickup bible): http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24

Something I wanted to mention in the other thread that got buried is the fantastic book:

And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment

I'll be honest, I haven't read it, but I have read the reviews and I'm considering buying it for me and my fiance. It talks about the purpose of sexual relations. It's written mainly for women, but that doesn't mean you can't get anything from it.

Strongly recommended reading: The Ethical Slut. Generally oriented towards polyamorous relationships and building the good communication necessary to maintain those relationships, but just about everything is applicable to any relationship you may choose, and is a great general guide how to be safely and ethically non-monogamous.

Link to the book for those interested: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

edit: free quiz, from author, to learn your 'language' http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ . Book prob available at your local library.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

You say you realise this is the path to resentment and anger, but even so the option is very attractive to a lot of people, to 'prove a point' (as can be seen in the comments is done by more people). The fact that you are considering to use such a tactic says nothing about your sex life, and everything about your communicative skills as a couple.


Let me give an example that might show how incredibly ridiculous the plan is:

You come home one night to find your SO angry. She is furious because you forgot to shine her shoes for half a year. You're dumbfounded. Why would you be responsible for the shine on her shoes? You never even considered she wanted you to shine her shoes! At first you're angry, she expected you to be telepathic and understand her needs without hearing them from her. Eventually, you have a civil discussion and realise she really wants you to shine her shoes.

As you love your SO, you want to accomodate her needs. You want her to be happy. So you do your best to shine her shoes as often as you can. Unfortunately, shoeshine is expensive, you work long hours, you're a tad forgetful (because who isn't when they're busy doing other things?) and your shoeshining technique isn't quite up to par. But you do your best.

Alas, your SO doesn't agree. She wants her shoes to be shined daily. She realises that you can't do it on a daily basis, but at least you could do it every other day! So, you try again, but as shoeshining is just not really your thing (it is a lot of work after all), it is hard to get yourself to do it. You get into fights about it more often, because your SO is hurt that you're not shining her shoes as often as she needs. Meanwhile, this adds to the pressure: No matter how much you shine her shoes, it will never be as much as she may like. You can never live up to her expectations.

And it all started, because she expects something from you without communicating what shoeshining is like for you. She assumed your needs were equal to her needs. Even after talking it through, her needs dominated the discussion.


I realise this is a ridiculous example, but this is the exact process I see in /r/deadbedrooms, time and time again. In fact, I have been guilty of this myself as my drive is higher than my SO's. The burden regarding any kind of dissatisfaction in a relationship can not be placed on either her alone (by demanding that she fulfills your needs), or on you alone (by not having your needs fulfilled). Only through communication, compromise, and a lot of blood, sweat and tears (well, hopefully not tears.. or blood..) from both of you.


These predicaments happen in all long-term relationships. Sometimes they are concerned with sex, sometimes they are concerned with something else entirely. This is the part where everyone in a long-term relationship claims that it is hard work. Because it is exactly this issue that is hard work.


I would like to point out that some people are helped incredibly by couple counselling. There are also a number of books I would recommend if councelling is not an option. For any of these books it is important that both partners read them and go through the exercises. Like I said, you have to do this together. The first book that gives a number of couples a lot of understanding of eachother is called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chaplin. The book is concerned with trying to get to know eachothers needs and how to talk about them. Another book that is relevant in any relationship with low sexual activity is A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex by Laurie Mintz. Don't let the title of the book fool you, while directed at women it is actually a tool for regaining a sex drive in a relationship. It is as applicable to men as women, but overall it's a couple's tool.


I sincerely hope you, and others, do not choose the path of resentment. It is very rare to be compatible in every way with a SO. In this relationship it may be sex, but in another it may be something else entirely (not having the same amount of need to go out of the house, for example). Needs never completely match, so it takes work from both sides to make eachother happy.

So... I assume those are numbered 1 to 4.

1. Depend on what kind of rope you have in the first place.
   
   
2. Depend on what kind of rope you have in the first place.
   
   
3. Twisted Monk has a few basic harneses you should probably start out with. Two Knotty Boys has a TON of videos and a whole section for harnesses. Additionally I highly recommend Complete Shibari Volume 1: Land and Complete Shibari Volume 2: Sky for your reading and instruction.
   
   
4. Quoting Dan of the Two Knotty Boys: Source
   
   >Q: What kind of rope do you use or recommend, and where do you get it?
   
   >A: This is by far the most popular question we receive. The short answer is we usually use nylon solid braid rope 7/16" (11mm) or 3/8" (9mm) for harnesses and wraps, with 1/8" (3mm) nylon for the finer, decorative stuff.
   

I suggest you check out these books

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

That is really exciting! Good luck :)

I have a variety of experiences I could share but I'm not sure what's relevant so I'll give some general advice first. Probably the most important thing is to communicate openly about your needs, desires, and boundaries. Especially the two of you who are already in a relationship. If you start to experience negative feelings about the situation, don't hide that on account of thinking you "shouldn't" feel that way. When you talk it through with a partner you can often find a way to work through those emotions.

Make sure you agree ahead of time, before the opportunity presents itself, about any limits on sex with others, and especially about safer sex practices. If you do end up having sex with him, either individually or as a threesome, it'd be good for you and your girlfriend to check in after the fact and talk about how you feel.

There are some books you could read such as The Ethical Slut or More Than Two as well as a lot of podcasts and blogs.

Remember, there's no one right way to do it. You really get to choose your own adventure together, which is part of what makes poly so awesome!

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

• Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??
  
  I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
  
  
• Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  
• Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.
  
  Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)

1. You're not greedy or selfish, if you're being open, communicative, and receptive to your partner's needs
   
2. Who says being a slut is a bad thing??
   
   Perhaps you and your SO would benefit from reading the following books together: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, and Open Relationships.
   
   Sex at Dawn gives a great evolutionary perspective on why some of us crave multiple lovers, The Ethical Slut will make you embrace your slutdom as long as you're ethical about it (which it sounds like you are!), and though I haven't yet read Opening Up, I hear it's a great how-to guide for open relationships and communication.

I agree. Sex at Dawn made a much better case for female vocalization than this article did. Moans can effectively be used for communication between active partners but the need to is a natural response for the female and not the male.

Wow, so many angry knee jerk responses on both sides of this topic. Unsurprising, of course, but unproductive too.

I would imagine the "why" varies for everybody, but since OP correctly notes that there are a whole lot of people with their own individual "why"s, I'd recommend picking up a copy of Sex at Dawn if you're interested in some general explanations. The short answer (well, so far as that book was able to support) is that we're frankly not well built for life long pair bonding. We instituted it as a social structure to facilitate familial land ownership, we've always kind of sucked at it, and we're not very self aware about that even though the evidence is literally overwhelming. Which is not to say nobody manages to be happy with it, but it's very clear a lot of people don't.

Seems to me the best thing is just to be honest with the people you love. If you're not happy, be honest. If you're attracted to someone else, be honest. If you want change, be honest. Present yourself as you are and give them the chance to respond however they choose, and ask them to do the same with you.

There are happy marriages out there (or at least ones that claim to be) with "understood" affairs. There are poly relationships. Lots of things exist and different things work for different people. (Check out TheBeautifulKind.com - NSFW - sometime.) It's dishonesty and deception that rightly register as betrayal and hurt people so badly that they can't trust again.

Good luck out there.

Ah, yes, THAT guy. Be sure to get your husband to explain this unexplainable physical limitation that he has, so that the counselor can gently explain that that isn't how men's bodies work. I'm sure the counselor will be kind and gentle until he gets home and guffaws with laughter. Because it's actually pretty silly.

HOWEVER, you should probably do some basic research. I like Dr. Alex Comfort's Joy of Sex, which is sort of a sexual "laboratory manual".

Sometimes people aren’t sexually compatible, and that’s important. Your desires won’t go away no matter how much you love her. It’s important to either find a compromise - play partner(s), trying certain things slowly, etc. and if that doesn’t work.... it may be time to re-evaluate things as hard as it may seem.

A good book that touches on this subject is The Ethical Slut

Life is all about balance. As someone who has been through some of the same stuff, I'd suggest being open minded to addressing other areas of your relationship. When I neglected my wifes emotional needs, she blamed it on video games because thats when she felt the most alone. I know it is upsetting, but shes just telling you she wants to spend time with you. I linked an article, but the biggest thing I took from it was that divorced men had wished they went to bed with their spouses more. I make an attempt to lay down with my wife when shes ready for bed, and then get up about an hour after. Its a good opportunity to connect, read a book, talk about life. Lastly, for years I never understood how I could be in the same room with my wife and she could say things like she wanted to spend time with me. I'd recommend checking out the book I linked. Its tough sometimes to swallow our pride and read a book about relationships and shit, but I can tell you it has been 100% effective in my relationship.


https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/divorced-men-marriage-regrets_us_5b916885e4b0511db3e046de
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

I could suggest lots of stuff, but I want you to learn to be okay with bringing ANYTHING up. I've told my wife the weirdest stuff and she still loves me (probably cause of my rockin' bod and hairdo). Talking about this kind of stuff used to scare me, but take those baby steps and you'll be on your way!

So, to bring it up I would just tell your husband that you discovered Love Languages today and that you found out yours is _____ and you would like to know his. You can do the quiz that's on the website, or you could even order the book.

If you are scared of him being offended, just reassure him that you want to be the best wife you can be and that you know he wants to be the best husband he can be. It'll tell you a lot about yourself and make you realize what exactly is important to you. Heck, I could even quiz you and probably help you discover your love language just in a few minutes here on Reddit. It's a simple concept, but will have huge effects.

I learned my wife's love language is Quality Time. I thought us being in the same room counted as that. I soon learned that it is much more than that. She doesn't care about being in the same room, but us having trips to ourselves, going out to do something special, and giving her my full attention. Similarly, my love language is Touch. I soon taught her that not all physical contact conveys love to me, so she now knows that instead of just patting me on the back, a kiss on the cheek shows love. There are many more examples so the stuff can get complex from a simple concept.

I think the best part about Love Languages is it gives you an easier way to bring this up. Normally you would probably say, "I wish you would do this more." If you guys read through the book or take the quiz and figure out your love languages it gives you a more scholarly (ie logical) approach to what you need rather than an emotional one. Makes the conversation easier. You could also make a game out of it and just ask him the questions and tell him the outcome and what it was for after you figure it out!

Your story is very touching and really is so very full of love, deep love. After all this time if he is still with you it is out of love and desire, not guilt. I do believe you should show him your post, seeing feelings written down can have an impact on us guys that may not happen the same way if talking about it.

I think you at least owe it to yourself and your relationship to continue on with the therapy and see where this is in a year or so. You have invested so much in this. I would insist that he also go to IC along with the MC with you. Tell him to help with making this all happen for both of you financially.

Look and see if there are any universities with a Vocational Rehabilitation major that would have access to counseling at one of their colleges. A lot of times they are offered for free. The one I work at does.
Have him read this...
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Also Affairrecovery.com on YouTube are great to watch together.

Then know, that if after all this, you still have the abilty and right to walk away, and of no fault of yours.

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.


> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727 all three books commonly bought in the wishlist

starter websites and youtube channels,

bdsm for nice guys: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/21214343/1390917102/name/BDS M+Checklist.pdf

http://sexionnaire.com/

http://www.mojoupgrade.com/registration?type=same

http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html

http://www.youtube.com/user/subguide

http://www.youtube.com/user/bdsmgeny/videos?fl.ow=grid&view=0

bottom of the page: http://www.youtube.com/user/ladymal651/videos?flow=grid&view=0 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8uuxNRiJk0

they really helped me get a better scope and understanding of the different elements and aspects of bdsm

Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) by Chade-Meng Tan. This was a great book on the importance of mindfulness and emotional intelligence.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. Helped me get on the path to decluttering my life.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover helped me to stop seeking approval from others and insuring my own needs are met.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini. A good introduction to social psychology.

These are just a few I've read in the past few years that have helped me. Good luck!

Read this

IIRC it explains ways people who need admiration enjoy receiving it.

Oh wow, it certainly seems like you and your partner are not communicating well. I reccomend that you both read More Than Two, it is an excellent resource for people who are in open relationships. I did want to mention that polygamy and polyamory are not interchange able terms. ♡
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0991399706/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_W-l5Ab066TXHY

> There were even times that I blamed her and put this on her for allowing to happen.

This is the one case, assuming everything you've said is correct, where I might agree with you.

Your wife encouraged / was OK with the encounter. What was she actually upset with?

Assuming this is similar to infidelity - and again, "with permission" I'm not sure that it IS infidelity, but if you want to know what to expect and how to help her:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Advice from "open relationship" couples might be more appropriate. The way your wife is reacting doesn't jive with you having permission.

Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.

Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!

With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.

First and foremost, monogamy does not mean you will not feel desire for other women. You will always feel desire for other women - monogamy is the choice to not act on those desires.

That said, if you're thinking of looking into non-monogamy, that's awesome. Especially since you know it would make your girlfriend happy. Some recommended reading: Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. Also, give the Savage Lovecast a listen.

Think hard about how you cope with jealousy - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Think hard about how you'd manage your time - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Talk about what boundaries the two of you would have - can you have other relationships, or just sex outside the relationship? Find the guidelines and compromises that work for you two. Be willing to rework them once you try it and see what works and what doesn't for you two.

Do what makes you happy, and make sure your girlfriend is happy too. That's the bottom line.

I do think INFPs and ISFPs can get stuck in the "nice guy (TM)" stereotype because they often are passive and don't ask women out. They tend to befriend women, drop lots of subtle hints over time, and hope for the best... then when they confess feelings, they get upset if the woman isn't into them.

My recommendation is - ask women out sooner rather than later, whenever possible. Tell them you like them early on, if there is some attraction there, so you don't spend months getting your hopes up for nothing. Also remember that your emotions and feelings are your responsibility, not anyone else's. If you can't manage your emotions effectively, do some reading about emotional regulation skills and consider seeing a therapist.

For more tips, I'd recommend Dr Nerdlove's blog as he has a lot of great advice about avoiding the "nice guy (TM)" behaviour. Models by Mark Manson and No More Mr Nice Guy are a great books if you want to get better at dating women and being more assertive.

New rule: No more physical touch when you're angry. Go for a walk or just leave and cool off. Physical touch is only for showing affection.

You're right, the relationship does go both ways. She can say or do things that are provoking. But you have to remove the violence entirely.

Have a talk about you both protecting your sleep. Sleep helps with anger, anxiety, depression, everything. So share with her that getting sleep is extremely important for you and ask for her help creating a calming atmosphere when it's bedtime.

There's a book called the 5 Love Languages. It's about recognizing and learning what your partner feels is showing them love. This book talks about healthy ways.

But it can also be unhealthy. For example your partner provoked jealousy talking about texting someone else. Jealousy is obviously a huge potential trigger for anger. That's the kind of trigger that can make you go from 0 to 100 very quickly, instantly even. That's extremely bad communication for someone who is prone to anger. So your anger is justified. But you want to manage your response and not use physical touch. Instead of being violent, communicate and talk to her. Set boundaries that help set the terms of your relationship. You can ask important questions like, "If you're not committed to me, why are we even in a relationship?" You can use the format, "When you say , it makes me feel ." "When you talk about texting someone else, it makes me feel you don't love me. Do you love me?" A relationship based on jealousy isn't a healthy one and will always provoke a strong negative response from you. You have to protect yourself emotionally from a manipulative person who doesn't respect you.

We all have said things in the moment when we're fighting that we don't really mean. We mean it in the moment because we're angry. But we regret it and feel terrible later. That's because we know we can do better but have made a mistake. Saying things just to be hurtful is a mistake. She ultimately may not have meant it. The best thing we can do is learn from the mistakes and improve our communication so it brings us closer together instead of harming the relationship. There's another book, Getting Together and Staying Together that helps with this kind of relationship building. I wish I'd read it 20 years ago.

You will still get mad again. Don't beat yourself up about it. Getting mad at ourselves for getting mad makes it last that much longer. But use each incident of poor communication, each anger episode as a chance to practice managing your response when it happens. Stop talking and take a break. Literally just leave the house. Anger is a natural response. But we want to keep our reaction and level of anger matched to the situation. We don't want to let it run loose and become overblown. Use your own body language, how loud you are talking, tone of voice, cursing, etc., as a guide to how angry you are. Just pay attention to your speaking volume and level of agitation and use it to help identify when you need to take a break.

There's no shame in taking a pause. It's actually the most respectful thing you can do for your partner, to not transmit all that anger to them and allow them to maintain their own emotional levels, to control their own level of feelings. If she tends to blast you with emotions too, this is definitely something to have a talk about. "I want us to work on lowering our anger and frustration at each other. Can we do this together? We need to talk and share so we both get what we want and to keep building our relationship. But without using anger." Using an anger scale of 1-10 can help accurately describe where you are at the moment. "You seem mad, are you at a 5 or more like an 8?" Help each other identify what makes you mad and what doesn't so you can work on the right things together.

When talking through important things, take a break when you get agitated. Cool off. Then come back to it. You can take a break this way, tabling the conversation, and then returning to it as many times as you need to get through important discussions. Let's talk about this again after lunch (or after dinner, or tomorrow). The amount of time needed to cool off and reflect by ourselves is up to us. The goal though is to always come back and keep working on issues until they are resolved enough so both partners needs are met and feelings are acknowledged. That's why there can't be a "winner" in an argument. When there's a winner, there's a loser. And there needs to be understanding on both sides.

So an important part of being in a relationship is to not worry about being right all the time. Of course there will be values that are important to you. Don't let go of your values. But for most things, don't worry about being right. Let your partner be right just to see what it feels like. We each have our own perspective. And that's often what draws us to a person in the beginning. So we want to keep letting that person share their perspective. Without being overbearing and not letting them share what's important to them too. A relationship is 50/50 sharing and letting them have their opinion too, just like we have ours. Couples therapy is an option if you feel it will help. Improving communication always improves the relationship and couples counseling can help in that area. Hope some of this helps. Take care of yourself and hang in there!

> It's my love language, as stupid as that is.

I don't think that's stupid at all. That book is one of my favorites of all time. I've found it super useful in many of my relationships. (And as an aside, because I'm not really sure what my son's language is, I try to make sure I'm hitting them all!)

Here's a book I'd recommend about the "five love languages" and what they mean. If you don't want to splurge for the book, I'm sure you can find enough useful information by googling.

Anyhow, the gist of the book is that people feel and experience love in different ways: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Now people generally don't exclusively feel loved via one "language" but usually one or two stand out above the others.

It definitely sounds as if your "language" of choice is words of affirmation, but that's probably not the case for him. Figure out what applies to him, and do those types of things to show him.

Hitchens perhaps spreading modern misconceptions and cultural bias about the nature of human existence before agriculture. For an entirely different perspective on say 90,000 years of human evolution read Sex at Dawn... which basically argues that Hitchens is full of shit (without naming Hitchens since Hitch wasn't a Scientist refuted in the book). At the very least, if you read this book you will have a very skeptical view of Hitch's argument from an evolutionary point of view. I don't know who is right, but it is very interesting to read a well argued alternative viewpoint that isn't religious.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805

This book is absolutely fascinating. Despite a title and cover that markets it as such, it isn't only about sex. It discusses how and why human sexuality, social structures and societies have changed over time, and explores what our natural social and sexual tendencies are (or may be). To this end, it explores a wide variety of human societies over the course of our existence, and compares us to are nearest genetic relatives--chimps and bonobos.

If anyone's interested, I can post some of the most revelatory ideas proposed in it so far. I'm not finished reading it yet.

This is a great book that addresses some of the questions you are asking. It’s totally opposite of what most of us have been taught, food for thought anyway. Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061707813/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_qg.6Cb69NTRX5

You act as if it comes so easily to people to resist their deepest urges. Expecting somebody to kill themselves if they can't is ridiculous also. Sex is what drives us. Some people get fucked over by their own lusts and desires. I'm not saying that I'm okay with children being molested. It's a tragic. But things aren't so cut and dry. You should read Sex At Dawn. It's pretty interesting and dips into the subject. Might make you uncomfortable but how can you learn if you don't step outside of your own world view anyway?

I've always had an aptitude for anatomy, and what my education lacked I filled in with the right section of the library. The sheer breadth of literature on not just the basic mechanics of sex, but even on women's fantasies, and debunking myths.

I'm going to highly recommend reading the 5 love languages. I normally can't stand self-helpy or relationshippy books, but I feel this one actually provides a good model for communication in relationships. The point is that everyone expresses and expects love in different ways. And as such, in relationships, you kind of end up talking past each other if you have different expectations.

For me, my boyfriend doing my dishes is an act of love. I don't particularly care about him telling him he loves me because words are easy. For him, dishes aren't romantic, they're dishes. He doesn't feel loved unless I tell him and give him complements and say nice things. Until we realized this, we would each get annoyed because we both felt we were expressing a lot of love and getting very little in return.

It sounds like your girlfriend is expecting love in one form, and you're probably expressing it in another. And yes, to you setting an alarm on your phone to get her flowers every week doesn't sound romantic. But to her it might show that you're thinking about her even when she's not around. That you're making an effort to adjust your life for her.

(I'm not saying get her flowers every week. But try to step back what she views as acts of love)

PS: (I'll note that there is a religious component to it, but its pretty easy to ignore if its not your thing).

Ugh. There is a reason we say "ethical non-monogamy". Cheating, not telling you, then thrusting you into an open marriage when it's not what you want is totally unethical and a super duper jerk move in my book.

I feel for you. And I can be empathetic towards her. Perhaps she only recently has come to accept that she isn't heterosexual, maybe she's dealt with a lot of sex and slut shaming growing up, and she hasn't been honest with her emotions. And I can see a reality where she just kinda exploded in a messy way and didn't know how to navigate this lovingly in a way that made you feel safe.

The way that this came up is completely devastating and you are valid to have your hurts, loss of trust, and fears.

But I still wanna smack the back of her hands. Bad wife, bad!

That being said...

There are a number of ways for you guys to explore non-monogamy if you'd like. Swinging, "open while traveling", poly, etc. She did open the door the for you guys to communicate about what you want and how to grow together, and that is awesome.

You may want to read

• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
  
• More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
  
• The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity
  
  The first two will help you understand how to navigate opening your marriage if you want to do that. And the latter will help you rebuild trust and understand navigate the new shift in your relationship.
  
  Also, please try and look for a sex-positive poly-friendly therapist. They will help you guys navigate this without being shamed or shutting her down for her desires.
  
  ----- edited for link readability. Didn't realize Amazon mobile adds the book title to the front of the link. :)

this book was a really big help for us, we haven’t given birth yet but reading that helped us have some really good conversations that we were dancing around and to understand what was happening and why.

Here are some resources for you.

For you .

For her if she is serious.

She can also get the book titled: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

I hope you heal man. Take care of yourself.

Post a bit of googling:

So it seems to be a forum based around this self-help book.

Definitely not hardcore incel/ PUA (the facebook group states that misogyny and PUA techniques will not be tolerated), though admittedly, I am a bit suspicious of how the self-help stuff might be framed...particularly suspicious that it might fall back on a few toxic notions of masculinity in places.

> because she rarely said I love you in my language.

Five love languages book.

Check out this book

https://www.amazon.ca/Taoist-Secrets-Love-Cultivating-Sexual/dp/0943358191

This book literally changed my life. It has everything you need to know.🙂

When I was new to poly, I found reading to be one of the best ways to level up my comprehension / modeling of what was "right" or "wrong" about how I was going about things. If this describes how you learn, let me recommend More Than Two. Btw, those scare quotes are because I don't endorse judge-y moralizing when it comes to how people live their lives.

That said, I think More Than Two does incredibly good job of emphasizing that ethical non-monogamy (of any flavor) should be respectful of the humanity of the humans involved. By that, I mean things like respecting the autonomy / agency of each individual involved. Relationships (monogamous or otherwise) can be messy beasts. The important things are for people to show compassion and understanding to one another, to meet them where they are, to listen with a sense of curiosity about each other's perspective, to not take other people's emotions personally.

It sounds like you've already had a great time with this couple and quite possibly learned some things about yourselves as well. The good news is that means your relationship with them has already been a success! If there is room for further successes in your interactions with these humans, so much the better. If the most successful outcome from this point involves a loss of contact with them, that's a bit of a bummer, but there will be other interesting humans to occupy yourselves with in the future.

Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.

Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.

Also, be prepared for some disapproval in poly communities. Hetero couples, or couples with a hetero male and bisexual female, looking for bisexual women to join them are really, really, common. And they unfortunately very often engage in unethical, or at least ethically dubious, behavior. More Than Two devotes a whole chapter to this, and I highly recommend reading it. Try to avoid those behaviors.

Best of luck!

I'm sorry, it sounds like they didn't handle or honor your feelings like they could/should have, and trust me when I say that you deserve to have your feelings recognized and cherished! Even the dark and painful ones.

You absolutely have every right to feel what you do, no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. It sounds like this was a very toxic and one-sided relationship, and you deserve far more care and recognition than that!

If you haven't already, please read The Secondary's Bill of Rights here, and I've heard that the book, More Than Two outlines a lot of ways that communication in polyamory (and relationships in general) can go wrong.

You can download the kindle app for PC free onto your computer (or even read books from your browser), and read books from there.

Some people can't handle sharing, and when they can't handle sharing AND can't handle communicating this in a direct and healthy manner, things get ugly. Fast.

Please believe me when I say that you did nothing wrong in falling in love, or in being hurt when that love was denied you. From what you said it sounds like you tried to be the best and most supportive person you could in your circumstances, and You can own your feelings without shame. It also sounds like you need a BUTT-TON of self love and self care right now, so draw yourself lots and lots of bubble baths and eat all the comfort food you want and wear your comfiest socks whenever you want. Period.

hugs I know things are hard for you and maybe these words are little comfort, but please take care of yourself, and know that you definitely deserve better from the people in your life, poly or whatever.

I think that 90% of the information in More Than Two could be used by people in monogamous relationships. Most of poly knowledge is really self-growth and relationship knowledge.

Hi, I made a guide that covers why this happens.

From my guide:

> 2. Following on this line of thinking, porn, by reinforcing certain desires, makes you want things you otherwise wouldn't want, or would want much, much less; and it does so at the expense of other aspects to sexuality. Part of this is because the excitement of porn is primarily about novelty-- think about why you need to keep finding new videos of different acts with different women. This drive for novelty causes you to watch things that you otherwise wouldn’t be attracted to, which subsequently become ‘wired’ into your ‘sexuality’. Many people find that they become attracted to violent, gay, or child porn and it takes an enormous toll on their lives; and after abstaining from pornography, many find that these fetishes lose significant power, or disappear entirely. Another component of this phenomenon is that because porn cannot provide intimacy and does not stimulate appreciation for anything but a sex-object conception of a woman, it changes your perspective to value superficial, novel things more. And because you are not reinforcing other desires surrounding sexuality, you gradually lose your ability to have a more balanced appreciation of sex and women. That's why sex becomes less fulfilling, and eventually guys would rather jerk it to porn than have sex with their partners.

===

This point is also relevant, though not as significant as the first:

> 1. When you watch porn, you are reinforcing the desires it appeals to. Because of this, watching porn makes you crave porn more. A simple argument is that if you do not need it in your life, why create the desire for it? It is for many a colossal waste of time. The idea is that it would be better to spend your time and energy on things that ‘grow’ your life, rather than on dead-end, fleeting pleasures. A question this raises is whether porn adds anything to your life except a temporary respite from this craving (only to be followed by a strengthened craving). I find that having not watched porn for many years, it does not have nearly the same appeal to me, so it does not appear to me that it does add anything to my life. When you finish to a porn video, don't your feelings immediately switch from excitement to disgust-- like, 'why am I watching this?' ? This suggests to me that the momentary pleasure of pornography is artificially created and sustained by the habit itself.

===

I am making a post covering Marnia Robinson's Cupid's Poisoned Arrow which I will send to you when completed and is also something you should read.

===

I'm sorry for the effect that this has had on you and your relationship, and I am sure that underneath his rationalizations he is sorry too. Good luck with everything.


edit: /u/sluttymustache, here is a link to my post about Cupid's Poisoned Arrow:

https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/5q8c4z/draft_is_getting_too_much_of_what_we_want/

Relax a bit. Stop worrying and start talking.

Yes, this sort of relationship (called a "triad") can work out in the long-term. One thing that folks seem to forget is that it's not just a three-way relationship: there are actually four relationships going on here.

1. You + boyfriend
   
2. You + new guy
   
3. Boyfriend + new guy
   
4. You + boyfriend + new guy
   
   And you have to think about all three of those. The most important question is do you actually want this?
   
   I'm at work so I don't have much time at the moment, but I HIGHLY recommend that you all read Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. It's a great resource for newly open relationships.

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

I began identifying as being poly when I realized that, when I try it, monogamy simply does not work for me, and ... strangely, the relationships that do work for me, are with other people who are interested in a poly or poly like relationship dynamic. This doesn't mean when I meet people I think are cute I ask them about being poly and that effects whether or not I want to date them, it just happens to be that I meet people who are I think are cute and we start dating and then they talk to me about being poly. I guess I just have good polydar?

To me, being poly is really fucking hard, but being monogamous is even harder.

When I was in highschool, I had a huge crush on a girl, who had a crush on me. Then I met a boy, who I developed a huge crush on, who also had a crush on me, and also had a crush on the girl I had a crush on. The solution seemed so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how no one else could see it. Nothing came of this because I was a big wuss in high school.

This girl sounds like kind of a jerk, but I think you know that, You should read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.

Some types of polyamory don't work for some people. For example, I loath being a part of a hierarchy, no matter where I am on the totem pole - but it makes sense when one couple has children together or life goals. I would never get involved in that at this point in my life. In my past relationship, I felt secure knowing my partner loved me in a completely different way than her other partner, I valued the type of love she had for me more than the type of love she had for her other partner, but I didn't need or want her to rate it.

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.


http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242969&sr=8-1
Great little book.


http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-16
Decent

The Ethical Slut is helpful, but if you'd like to open an existing relationship, Opening Up is much more helpful, in my opinion.

I highly recommend reading the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s extremely useful to all relationships with loved ones whether they are partners, children, siblings, friends, etc.

Here’s the Amazon link:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

And, no, I’m not affiliated with the author or
publisher in any way; I’ve just found the book very helpful.

Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

It sounds like you really want to connect with your girlfriend on a deeper level and understand what makes her tick. There are some underlying commonalities with all INFJs, but I'm also reluctant to generalize a specific person. "The Five Love Languages" is a wonderful, quick read that allows you to develop a relationship that is based on a mutual understanding of what makes the both of you feel appreciated and loved.

Sounds cheesy, right? I thought so, too, but I think the benefits outweigh the cheese.

"You gotta be more sensitive" is a request for cognizance more than anything, a reminder of selfless thoughtfulness. Even if you don't fully understand where she's coming from, sit down with her and say, "Sweetie, I've been putting a lot of thought into us being apart, and I want to make this as easy on you as possible. What can I do to help? Would you like me to set up time to spend together? How about Skype? Why don't we plan out a few visits? What would you prefer?"

This initiative will be greatly appreciated. As an INFJ, I'm usually the one who is preemptive of others' needs. I'm always grateful when people make the effort. It doesn't matter exactly what they say -- oftentimes, it's the thought that counts.

You are sooooo wrong. This might never be seen or get buried but I STRONGLY recommend you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman with an open mind. You are doing irreparable damage to your husband, your marriage and your family that will extend further than you can imagine!

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427581548&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=Love+langYates

There is so much more that I would like to say but much if not more has already been said. I just hope beyond hope for your sake and the sake of your family and husband that you reconsider your stance and empathize and sympathize as much as possible with your husbands point of view. Don't be selfish, be open. Out of love and respect for your husband it's the least you can do.

Read the book and if necessary see a therapist together. Who knows, maybe they will agree with you and maybe they won't but if not then consider for a moment at least that you just might be wrong.

I think it depends on what your partners love languages are. Feed each one of your partners what they need to feel loved, and they will feel fulfilled and special.

I made a point to write down just general compliments I've gotten over the years. People are reserved about their compliments in general and it helps to have them all laid out to remind yourself "Oh yeah. I am loved!"

Having more than one girlfriend tell me I was the best boyfriend they ever had is probably something I'd forget, and certainly needed to hear as a younger man. Because I live in a very Type A city where i thought I must be an undateable loser because Im not an alpha earner. Typical INFP thinking - hard on ourselves and blind to our strengths. It never even occurred to me that I had something to offer others couldn't. Also learning to date women that complimented my personality more so than just my idiotic libido. Like projecting idyllic girlfriend material onto some girl just because she had nice eyes and a dope donk.

Anywho - Start a compliment list. Because not everyone says "I love you" with words - there's 5 languages of love, not 1.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Mine's wordless and touch. I don't need to hear "I love you" as much as I need to physically feel it. A touch of the hand without a word said. An intimate look from across the room - make my INFP ass feel understood. Had a girlfriend make my road rage magically disappear simply by touching the back of my neck and stroking my hair.

Blowjobs help too.

You spouse can start with this book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

My WS read it, and then I did. It was helpful as a starting point in this process.

There was a great article on the evolution of Mormon attitudes toward masturbation in the Fall 2005 issue of the journal Sexuality & Culture

Historical Development of New Masturbation Attitudes in Mormon Culture: Silence, Secular Conformity, Counterrevolution, and Emerging Reform

I don't think it's going to immediately help your situation, but it does provide perspective that I think would be helpful to the community here.

Summary:

• In the first few decades of the church's existence, masturbation just wasn't something that the leadership spoke out about.
  
• In the late 1800s and early 1900s, church leaders made statements more or less aligning with the Victorian view that masturbation was a sign or cause of mental illness.
  
• in the 1920s and 30s, the church's position on masturbation was actually more enlightened than it is today. From the article:
  
  > A new, factually based, era in church thinking about sexuality
  and sex education appeared during the end of the 1920s and into
  the 1930s. Research physicians by then had verified a link between
  masturbation shame and mental health risks in youth who reported
  suicidal ideation associated with attempted masturbation abstinence.
  There were also documented cases of completed suicide attributed
  to psychological trauma that resulted from masturbation abstinence
  (Steckel, 1917/1953).
  
  > Official church manuals endorsed secular books about sexuality
  and suggested that sexual interests be guided rather than inhibited.
  During this time masturbation did not always carry the same onus
  that it does in the popular Mormon literature of today. Rather than
  focusing on abstinence supervision as is practiced today with current
  church youth interviewing policies, lessons instead warned
  parents that they could create emotional problems in their adolescents
  by an “unintelligent” over response to their masturbation
  (Bush, 1993).
  
  
• The church's current diversion from science on the topic of masturbation started in the 1950s when Bruce McConkie taught in Mormon Doctrine that not only was masturbation unclean, but that psychiatrists' advice was dangerous because it could persuade people not to repent. McConkie's strong anti masturbation stance would be echoed by Spencer Kimball, Boyd Packer, and others. In 1972 when the new Boy Scout manual included a paragraph about masturbation being a normal part of sexuality, the church objected so strongly that the BSA had to destroy 25,000 scout manuals and re-print them with advice to talk your sexual feelings over "with your parents and/or spiritual advisor or doctor". Part of the theme recited by youth each week at mutual included the phrase "better dead clean than alive, unclean." Boyd Packer's "little factory" talk from 1976 was turned into the 1981 pamphlet To Young Men Only, and told young men that masturbation would turn them gay. Elder Mark Peterson taught the use of aversion therapy, or even tying your wrist to the bedpost, in his guide Steps to Overcoming Masturbation.
  
• Recently, there seems to be some slight dialing back of the masturbation paranoia. The 2001 version of the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet no longer mentions masturbation by name. Laura Brotherson's guide to LDS sexuality, And They Were Not Ashamed, specifically recommends masturbation for women as "self-learning".

It seems you have severe misconceptions what BDSM is all about.

Please, do us and yourself a favor and read a little bit over at /r/BDSMfaq or lurk around in any of the subreddits of /r/BDSMcommunity

You can go on reading while waiting for the book The Loving Dominant to ship.

BDSM is a wonderful way of play, and you'll be astonished how common it is.

Kan bara tala för mig själv, men det som har hjälpt mig när livet varit som tuffast är att se framåt och börja sätta upp mål att bygga mot. Om du börjar nu kan du bli vem fan du vill om 3 år. Ja, det kommer vara tufft på vägen, men om du inte har något att se fram emot eller att sträva emot blir det lätt att man känner att allt är meningslöst. Där du är nu kommer du inte vara för evigt, även det kommer gå över.

Men du kan alltid börja om. Ditt förflutna är inte samma sak som din framtid. Du kan börja om NU. Du kan bestämma vem du vill bli och vem du vill vara och bli den personen nu, oavsett ditt förflutna. Du kan bestämma dig för att aldrig svika någon igen, du kan bestämma dig för att leva efter dina principer och bli en person som du kan känna stolthet för istället för skam. Tro mig, jag har varit i total misär men har idag lyckats vända livet helt och lever ett liv få förunnat. Du kan också göra detta, men det börjar med att du bestämmer dig.

Vad som fungerar för dig kanske är något helt annat. Men för min del bestämde jag mig för att ta tag i min hälsa och självrespekt. Jag började sakta men säkert förändra mina dåliga vanor och började med bra vanor. Meditation, bra sömn och kost samt träning är några klassiska exempel som är ack så effektiva för att förändra ens självkänsla och syn på världen.

Det finns även böcker som hjälpt mig på vägen och nu vet jag inte om du är i tillstånd att läsa, men några exempel på böcker som hjälpt mig enormt är:

​

No more mr nice guy

The power of now

Unlimited power

​

Jag hoppas du tar dig på fötter igen, tro det eller ej men världen behöver dig. Det är också ofta personer som har "hit rock bottom" som tar sig upp igen som är mest lämpade för att göra världen till en bättre plats och hjälpa andra. Bara att du tar dig tid att skriva den här posten tyder på att det finns en del av dig som är redo att ta tag i situationen. Du är bara i ett jävligt negativt tillstånd just nu, och då känns det som att allting suger, även framtiden. Detta är bara en illusion som du kan ta dig ur, och när du är ute kommer du kunna se tillbaka på det och förstå precis vad jag menar nu. Jag tror på dig.

I guess I just don't give a flying fuck anymore about what pop culture says about men and women? It's such a poisoned well of nonsense that I can't begin to fathom why anyone would waste their time trying to extract any kind of personal validation, identity, soul, or meaning from it. Or why they would regard it as any kind of real authority on how to live your life and be a super awesome human being.

What I mean is you say your tired of hearing about everything women do as being described as empowering? Then stop listening. Turn off the radio, movies, and the television and pick up a good book and while your at it try autoerotic asphyxiation or a flashlight or lube or whatever while you masturbate. And know that it was your choice and your right to do it and no one can take that away from you no matter how much spittle flies from their maw when they call you a faggot. Rock'n'roll baby. Also if you do decide to pick up a book, check out Sex At Dawn. I kinda wanna punch your shoulder and give you a strong hug. :-)

I've read your replies and it's comforting to know that there are other people that think the same way I do.

I'm not sure how much this ties in, but I remember listening the to the author of this book

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321827569&sr=8-1

on the radio
(the radio program in question)
http://www.kqed.org/a/forum/R201111091000

and it really made me appreciate the fact that the way we now treat relationships as monogamous on/off switches is really a social construct and that we should really be doing what feel comfortable.

I don't wanna do a game of telephone and try to re-say everything he said, b/c I'd probably butcher it.. but I recommend you listen to the radio program. I think you'd like it. (and I'd be interesting in knowing what you think).

You should check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813

It's important to remember that human beings are ANIMALS - we have natural feelings that are part of our evolutionary biology. The moral dogma of religion is not realistic or even compatible with the natural way humans are wired.

Sex at Dawn is a book that makes the argument that no, humans are not naturally monogamous. I wasn't entirely convinced, but the book has a lot of interesting information about sex, evolutionary history, monkeys etc. Worth the read.

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition is gonna be your overarching guide to Polyamory and other type of Alt relationships.

Basics to focus on, communication, boundaries, and reflection.

As a man raised primarily by my mom with a mostly absent father, and raised without much other male influence here is my take on this really awesome post:

empower your male children. love their masculinity. Teach them to channel their natural aggression into healthy places. teach them that with great power/strength comes great responsibility. whatever you do don't make them hate their own maleness, their own masculinity. teach them that good men can still be masculine. Be careful about teaching them they should be "different' than their father, as children can project that belief onto all male authority figures. You will have a rebel who struggles with his own male identity and therefore struggles to understand his "place" in the world, and in relationships.

Source

>It seemed to work she left me alone after that even made me dinner...

Without condoning the exact words you said to her, it sounds like she treats you better when you stand up for yourself. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?

You are a Nice Guy. You are emotionally needy and you try to fulfill your needs by doing things for others, expecting tit for tat, having them give you attention because you did something for them. Life does not work that way and you will continue to experience frustration until you start doing things for yourself and gain confidence.

http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24/

And people are on OKCupid looking for dates. I have no idea if you're doing this to find dates or if you're just messaging people for the hell of it, but most people want to learn something about the person they're talking to when they exchange messages. What would I learn about you if you recommended a book or band to me? Pretty much nothing. It's not a good way to have a conversation.

You should start browsing r/seduction. It’s a sub fully dedicated to “picking up” women and basically getting dates and finding a girlfriend.

I’ll summarize what the sub will most likely tell you if you chose to ask the same question over there.

1. Read Models by Mark Manson. It’s sort of a non-bs approach to getting a girlfriend. It basically gets your mind straight and tells you how life really is in hard truth. You can probably find a pdf floating around the internet, if not just get it from amazon.
   
   
2. Work on yourself. How’s your mind, bad? Go to a psychiatrist. How’s your body, bad? Go to the gym. How’s your clothes, bad? Go the mall and get modern adult clothes. Work on yourself until you are confident.
   
   
3. Approach. Everyone on r/seduction will tell you it’s a numbers game. Approach as many girls as you can and eventually one will say yes and go on a date with you. The hard part is approaching. It’s nerve racking and everyone gets scared of doing it. That’s basically what the sub is for. It’s for you to have a support group to help our approaches improve and hopefully get better enough to land you a date. Go to college campuses, the mall, really anywhere and just start asking girls for their phone number.
   
   Your weight, your athleticism, your age, that doesn’t matter man, you know why? How many men approach women? 5-10% ?
   
   You are going to be in that 5-10%. You are going to be in that small group of confident outgoing men where looks don’t matter, you’ll realize after reading the book and browsing the sub that confidence matters.

Funny thing that, we aren't even married. He's just my SO and BabyDaddy.

But anyways, for example last night, after we were in bed, he told me that he was thinking about it when he was brushing his teeth and that he was thinking about when he was working in the garage and forming all these things he wanted to say to me. Or we will be driving and I'll be quiet and he will say something like "I'm so sorry I hurt you" out of the blue. It is rare, but it's starting to happen more. So when he says things like that, I say "thank you for telling me" or "thank you for apologizing".

He also will ask me, "are you feeling sad again?" When I'm quiet at home, to start the conversation. He can always tell when I'm unhappy and says that if I don't tell him what I'm thinking, then he can't help and problem solve.

He's also reading this book;

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

And I've asked him to read this article alone and with me several times:

http://affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/

The Loving Dominant is another good place to start:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1890159727/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_kR3PBbJH0MWYA

You know it's sad/funny but reality in that there are a lot of people who do not know how to deal with conflict, set boundaries, and clearly communicate their expectations/needs/desires etc. I certainly did not know how to at the age of 27, until I read this book which changed my life:


https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1541511838&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

My wife and I both read the [5 Love Languages] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X) book from the library. It really helps with examining the way you express love and also helps identify how others express it. If you're both the same, then it's pretty easy, but it gets a little difficult when you are different (which is most people). If nothing else it's been helpful at just training you to think about things like showing love in a format that your partner is most receptive to and helps a little with communication across styles.

You don't sound like a spoiled brat. You want him to put thought and effort into speaking your love language. To him, gifts are just stuff. To you, they're an expression of love, intention, and care. You want him to care about the thought behind gift giving instead of "here ya go if I remember" and moving on. Talk to him about gifts being your love language. Think about picking up a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. A lot of people recommend it and it seems to really help with that kind of communication.

The book Models: Attract Women Through Honesty changed my outlook on dating, and has really made a difference in how I approch it. I also got a lot out of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, as far as recognising my own needs and those of my partners.

Good luck with the meds, it can be life changing to finally find something like that out.

It seems like he must tie sex into love and self image. It must reassure him in some way about the relationship. Are there other things you can do to reassure him of your interest? Have you read this? Maybe if he's getting fulfilled in other ways a slight drop in sexual encounters won't be as big of a problem?

Reading this i'm pretty sure that you both indeed DO love each others. You seek for advise, he says he loves you. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding and/or different ways of expressing love? What i can really recommend because it helped myself is Gary Chapmans book about the five languages of love: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=pd_sim_b_1

I have nothing to do with him so this is not ment as advertisment (just in case anyone suspect this).


I wish you both good luck to find back a way of expressing your love! Hope you can solve it together and hope you feel loved and appreciated again!

An honestly pretty great book about love relationships.

I highly recommend reading it. It's not the "end all, be all" of how to express love to your partner, but goddamnit it's a fantastic place to start.

Two books I would recommend are:

Dating Delilah by Judah Smith


Love Languages by Gary Chapman


Both of these have a lot of good insight on having a healthy relationship with your significant other while staying focused on God. I do caution you not to take either of these books as the dating gospel or anything like that. I'll be the first to admit that both contain things that I don't agree with and/or find helpful. However, on the whole, I think both authors give terrific insight on the issue, and despite the things I don't like, I will happily recommend them to anybody seeking Christian dating advice.

Link dump!

Threads:
1,
2,
3,
4.

Instructionals: Two Knotty Boys,
Twisted Monk.

Books: Showing you the Ropes,
Back On the Ropes, Complete Shibari,
Erotic Bondage Handbook.

Must Know Knots: One Comlun Tie,
Two Column Tie.

Subreddits: /r/bondage, /r/kinbaku+shibari, /r/bdsmdiy

That should be a good start. Also, look for any related posts to this one, there are about a million (This question is asked every few days, and there are some great answers in the logs.)

I am a rope bondage instructor. I would highly suggest Complete Shibari Volume 1: Land
I wish I had this book when I was starting out. In my opinion it is the best shibari instruction book out to date. He has an advanced follow up book called Sky that is for rope suspension.

There's a perfect solution: all three of you need to discover polyamory.

Seriously. Check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory/dp/0991399706

There's no need for anyone to sneak around or "cheat". You yourself said his new boyfriend is hot. If the guy you like is attracted to you, there's a pretty good chance his new boyfriend will be, too.

Now... you have to realize... even the most thoroughly well-adjusted non-jealous experienced polyamorist is likely to question the commitment of a new partner if he suggests having a threesome within literally DAYS of them becoming a couple (unless they were doing threesomes together even before they made their new dating status official... in which case they're probably soulmates), so you might have to wait a few weeks and let them enjoy their NRE (new relationship energy) without injecting drama or complications into it. Just fuck other guys in the meantime, try to learn something sexually new, practice your technique, and send him an open-ended text message every 4-6 weeks to remind him that you're still interested.

Marnia Robinson advocates for karezza, which is affectionate sex without orgasm, and there seems to be some science behind it:

>It seems like a "no-brainer" that more orgasms and more intense orgasms will satisfy more. However, the "I'm done!" feeling after orgasm delivers a powerful subconscious signal to the limbic brain, which can create restlessness down the road

>A series of studies showed that orgasm in humans induces pronounced and long-lasting secretion of peripheral PRL [prolactin] with significantly higher levels of PRL in females... The magnitude of the PRL increase following intercourse was 400% greater than following masturbation, which may indicate the biological significance of cervicovaginal stimulation and/or physical contact with a partner....The inhibitory effects of PRL on sexual appetence in humans are well known....and [deserve] further investigation

I recently bought and read her book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow on the subject. Although it has several references to new-age woo, which put a bad taste in my mouth, the overall message is quite comforting at explaining why we feel down after sex. I often get the "I need to get away right now" feel after cumming, and I'm happy to know both that this is completely normal and that we can do things to eliminate those feelings and pursue healthy long-term relationships.

L'ho tirata fuori perché le uniche obiezioni alla famiglia omosessuale sono di natura religiosa. Ti consiglio la lettura di questo, è interessante.

> Ah, se poi il fatto che lo stato naturale abbia selezionato l'ambiente dotato della complementarietà dei sessi come l'unico adatto alla perpetrazione della specie non ti sembra un buon fondamento…

Eh però qui ti stai avventurando in campo che non ti conviene. La complementarietà dei sessi è necessaria alla perpetrazione della specie dal punto di vista riproduttivo. Maschio + femmina = figlio. Da nessuna parte nel nostro codice genetico c'è un istinto alla monogamia. Anzi siamo fatti esattamente al contrario (ti consiglio la lettura di Sperm Wars o di The red queen se vuoi chiarirti le idee). La crescita dei figli non è perfettamente sovrapponibile al concepimento dal punto di vista biologico. L'idea che la "famiglia tradizionale" sia il costrutto sociale ideale per la crescita dei figli non ha un fondamento scientifico.

The female sexual response is characterized by a dual nature, colloquially referred to as "Alpha fucks, Beta bucks".

Read more in

Sperm Wars

The Red Queen

I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.

There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=157344295X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG

But absolutely the first one.

You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.

/u/ScientistInTheSheets is dead on, you need to see the person as more than a sex object. Not saying you are, but it's an easy trap to fall into. You'll hear things about unicorn hunting and hot-bi-babes for a reason. While some folks are happy to jump in a bed, that's a vulnerable act for many of us, and we want to know where we will stand in the morning. Developing friendships is really helpful there.

Honest communication throughout is really important, between everyone involved.

Knowing what you're looking for - sexy time fun or a romantic partner? For you or both of you? Kinky or more vanilla? One time thing or ongoing? I understand your SO is not being super communicative, but this is stuff you really want to discuss before hand. And then discuss some more.



Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good read on consensual nonmonogamy and has many different perspectives on the subject.

Tristan Taormino
https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Talk talk talk. That's the secret to any relationship - esp poly.

Poly means different things to different people. There is no one correct way. Poly is what you and partners decide it is. Everyone has different reasons about why they are poly.

Personally, I think that it is cruel to expect everything I want from one person. I have enough love to share and my lovers all have different roles in my life. I tired poly when I was not ready and got consumed by jealousy and relationship drama. We make mistakes and we learn. It takes a LOT of emotional maturity, patience, and trust to be in a healthy poly relationship. Poly is not for everyone and it doesn't need to be. Nothing wrong with monogamy if that's your thing.

I think people are more fascinated with the idea of poly. And reality is not always that glamorous. So many people want a quick peep into the lifestyle. The taboo is alluring. But many people also cannot get over the possessiveness and insecurity. No matter how secure you are in yourself and how strong your relationship is, being in a real life poly situation will bring up insecurities and challenge your relationship. If you both work on it together, you will become more close and trusting of each other. It can also drive a wedge between you both.

I would also suggest any of the the below books.

• Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships - https://www.amazon.com/Designer-Relationships-Monogamy-Polyamory-Optimistic/dp/1627781471/
  
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures - https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664/
  
• Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic - https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Reconciling-Erotic-Domestic/dp/0060753633/
  
• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships - https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/
  
• Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality - https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805/

I enjoyed "And Baby Makes Three" by John Gottman. It's about nurturing your relationship with your spouse.

(Full title is: "And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives")

I totally get it! I think about pregnancy and babies and kids all day, every day. To keep me mostly sane, I try to use my time to prepare and research. It gives me something to occupy my mind without losing it about waiting. That said, I spend my fair share of time browsing baby clothes on the internet lol.


As far as recommendations for materials:

• I definitely suggest Motherly. They have articles for every age and stage of having a baby, from preconception to preschool and beyond, with posts split by trimester or month of baby's life. They especially have a lot of nice info for getting pregnant, estimating baby's due date, etc.
  
  
• This documentary is my favorite I've watched so far. I have never wanted to be pregnant more in my entire life than I did when I watched this. I've rewatched it two or three times.
  
  
  
• I've not gotten that far in And Baby Makes Three, but I really enjoy it so far.
  
  
  
• The Fifth Trimester is another good one, especially if you know you'll be returning to work after baby. It's aimed more towards moms with professional, corporate careers, but contains advice I think would be useful to any mom or woman who is thinking about becoming a mom.
  
  
  As far as taking the edge off of the fever, I keep myself busy with research and materials, home improvement projects, and trying to maintain a healthier lifestyle and an exercise routine. I also have a small stockpile of baby items I've purchased here and there along the way. Personally, I enjoy having something tangible to remind me what's at the end of this wait. Hope this was helpful!

Men need space, but as a new father he needs to manage his responsibilities first. Whether he goes out too much or too little is a matter for your relationship alone; it doesn't matter what the rest of us do.
You are right to feel confused about his behavior. Becoming a father is a huge emotional shift and he may be retreating a bit in order to digest this new chapter of his life. Be that as it may, the two of you really ought to discuss it so that he knows how you feel when he goes out and so that you understand why he wants/needs to go.
There is a fantastic book about coping with the changing needs of your family when the child arrives called And Baby Makes Three by John and Julie Gottman. I strongly recommend it to all new parents and think it will equip you and your husband to overcome your present obstacle and others down the road.

I said many perhaps most.

I base it on a few things. Marriage statistics for one show that 50% of married couples divorce. Research into anthropology and evolutionary psychology such as what's referenced works like Sex at Dawn and in research like this.

Biologically, we're not really built for monogamy. Some species are. Historically, we don't practice monogamy. What evidence do you have to the contrary?


Your bringing up race makes no sense though. Calling me a hedonistic pagan is just as absurd, my flair clearly labels me an atheist :) I don't hold pagan beliefs. Perhaps you could link me to some evidence that humans are entirely naturally monogamous?

I've looked into this quite a bit myself, psychology/biology background here with lots of readings of anthropology. There are many ways in which humans can order their societies, and it's quite typical for every culture to believe its way is not only the best and most sensible, but natural - "the way things are."

This is a touchy topic, and one that is dangerous to talk about because of the inherent risk of questioning deeply-held values within a culture. Many things are taboo, but I think it's worthwhile to try to understand who we are as human beings, and part of that will have been shaped by our history - evolutionary as well as culturally. There are many myths out there about love and sex, and they can cause lots of pain and heartache. In general it's worth examining beliefs to ferret out ideas that exist at the expense of humans, and discard those that have more costs than benefits.

By far the best survey on the subject is a recent book called Sex at Dawn. If you are interested in the topic, I suggest reading it - I've come across many of the things talked about in the book from other sounds sources, and the book is impressive. It's scientific and evidence-based, and the authors take great care with the subject because they know it's touchy. It's also pretty damn entertaining and written at a very accessible level for having such detailed information.

For those interested: his book, Sex at Dawn

The way your wife is going about this is detestable. That said, is this the first time she mentioned open relationship, or is it something you have talked about before with her and now she is just making it an ultimatum?

Happy relationships exist outside the traditional monogamous norm, (please see /r/polyamory) and it is entirely possible for some people (not all) to not only have sex outside their marriage, but to love outside their marriage without damaging the primary relationship.

Again, if this is a sudden out of the blue ultimatum, your wife has not done a good job at all. I seriously recommend you discuss why she wants this (i.e. sexual dissatisfaction, lost the "spark", etc.) and then discuss rules about the relationship. Open does not have to mean "you can do whatever you want", it can mean a huge number of things, and rules can exist to ease the transition and comfort level of each partner.

Recommended reading: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn


TL;DR: If you care about your marriage, discuss it openly and try to put aside your pain and consider rationally.

So, clearly you're attracted to women.

Are you attracted to men? It doesn't sound like it to me.

As for getting turned on by gay porn or by men in porn... IMO that's not enough to "prove" that you're gay or bi. You say you're not attracted to those guys. Some people just get turned on in the presence of anything sexual.

There may also be an evolutionary component, a pressure for (straight) men to be aroused by other men's arousal because it signals available women. I recommend Sex at Dawn if you haven't read it yet. Highly readable sex science book.

Or maybe this is how you figure out you're bi. It doesn't sound like that to me, but people are complicated. If in 5 or 10 years you're actually attracted to guys, what's the harm?

No rules broken, as far as I know, but Sex at Dawn is a rather dubious work of popular science. I wouldn't recommend it, and I'm guessing the people downvoting you agree.

By the way, you don't need RES to make links:

Sex at Dawn

Becomes:

Sex at Dawn

Here's the thing, you've only been trying for a month or two. And ovulation can be a difficult thing to track accurately (not to mention which, all the stars can align and you still might not get a swimmer to the egg, no matter how hard you try).

When we decided to try for a baby, our doctor told us to have frequent sex (as in 3x a week or more), and don't worry about anything else for at least a year.

Getting pregnant can be ridiculously easy ("But it was just that one time, and he didn't even put it all the way in!"), or it can be ridiculously difficult ("Dear Gods, what does it take to have a baby!? We've tried everything, from charting our fertility to eating oysters to installing sex trapezes in our bedroom and making sacrifices to Gaia!"). It doesn't say anything about your fertility, one way or another, if you catch right away or if it takes a year or even more. It's all basically just rolling the dice.

And I highly recommend picking up that old standard: The Joy of Sex. Every couple should have a copy.

http://www.amazon.ca/The-Joy-Sex-Ultimate-Revised/dp/0307587789

You could see if the guy you like is open to a non-monogamous relationship. I've found that monogamy doesn't work for me, so I warn guys that I date that I only do open relationships. If they're fine with that, great! If not, we're not wasting each other's time. I've been with my current boyfriend for seven years now. I agreed to a few months of monogamy at the beginning when we were first getting to know each other (but was very open from before our first date about wanting an open relationship), and at four months in I told him I liked him and would be happy to be in a relationship, but not at the cost of staying monogamous. He agreed to the open relationship and I've never had to hide anything from him whether it was a one night stand or a friend with benefits, and he also shares with me when he's interested in someone else and I do what I can to be his wingman. He's shy though, so I've done the vast majority of sleeping around.

If you're going to go this route, I recommend reading up on non-monogamy and polyamory. The Ethical Slut is a good book on the topic. Even if you don't want a polyamorous relationship, the poly community has done a lot of writing on balancing multiple partners of different commitment levels and their different needs and has put a heavy focus on how to communicate with your partners and with yourself to minimize jealousy and make sure everyone feels respected and has an active role in their relationships.

>I don't want to make this a huge story. I am someone that once had the word "atheist" tattooed to me (later got it covered up). But for some reason, God had mercy for me. I don't know why. He, I believe, and I cannot say with certainty that it was most definitely God, but something very majestic appeared to me, like nothing you've never seen before. And slowly, I was led to Jesus and taking faith in Jesus as my savior.

​

Amen!

​

>You guys probably don't believe me.

​

Why wouldn't I believe you? Many of us here have seen God do amazing things in our lives.

​

>So now I am reading the bible, and I find out that sex outside of marriage is truly a sin in the eyes of god. I've asked god to bring me a good wife. But there's a part of me that wonders if it's even possible to find the kind of woman I truly want.

​

It IS possible. Our FOR SINGLES section of the Sidebar has many articles that can help you vet well for a quality Christian woman.

​

>My mother is basically as good a woman as you can get. She is a devout christian. Lost her virginity to my dad. Very loyal, empathetic, and submissive.

​

You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will answer a lot of things for you.

​

>When I hear stuff like that, it just makes not want to ever bother with women again.

​

Well, the New Testament makes it clear that the Single life is preferable for those who can live it. Doesn't sound like that's what you really want though.

​

>Because I can't stand the thought of some women taking my wealth into account. I am wealthy, and the thought of a woman taking that into account when dealing with me just brings enormous anger within me.

>The point is I want to be loved for my essence, not my money. The point is we make a choice to love each other and we have faith god will help take care for us as we need. Don't have faith in money, have faith in God.

​

Then show yourself to be a guy who has his act together and is stable financially, but keep the extent of your wealth private until your wedding night.

​

>I'm just venting, I guess. There's no where else to really talk about religious stuff. If I talk about religion with my friends, they think it's funny I am now a Christian. They rather listen to Elon Musk about us living in a computer simulation. That's their god.

​

That's why we're here. This is a perfectly appropriate place to discuss these things.

​​

>I'm just wondering if anyone has found a woman that doesn't care about money? I've hung out with a lot of girls, and somewhere along the line, they slip up and you see how much they care about money, even when they initially claim they don't care about money at all. I just can't take it.

​

My wife is very frugal. I'm the spender, she's the saver. If it wasn't for her we'd never have any money, but if it wasn't for me we'd never have any fun. It's a balance, but I see what you mean. You don't want a girl to marry you just so she can take advantage of your wealth.

​

The best way to ensure this is to make sure she has a good, solid, genuine faith.

Just talk to people. Put yourself out there. Be open to going out to parties, playing intramurals, etc.

I think you might also find this book helpful.

Hey boss. I pretty much went though the same exact thing you did a couple years ago. Dated a girl for 3 years while in college, thought I was going to marry her, ect. She broke it off for various reasons, and I literally thought I was going to die. I had no real social circle, much less any good friends. She was my entire emotional support network for so long and I had no idea what to do when she left. To make matters worse, she began sleeping with other (random) people almost immediately. Talk about soul crushing. It was a dark time in my life.

But you know what? It forced me to grow. I now have a great job, an awesome circle of friends and another great girlfriend who I live with. Here are some things I realized on my journey post-breakup.

• Nobody is responsible for your own happiness except for YOU. That girl owes you nothing. No explanation, no sympathy, nada. And she totally has the right to see/sleep with other people. The sooner you realize that only you can control your own happiness and actions the better off you'll be.
  
  
• Don't fall into the "Sunk cost fallacy" trap. (Look it up) Basically how this applies to relationships is thinking that you've wasted a quarter of your life on this girl, and letting it affect future decisions. DON'T THINK THAT. You were with her for a reason. You learned things from her, and will probably be a better person for it. That relationship is a sunk-cost at this point, don't let it affect your future.
  
  
• You're going to feel alone, confused, and hurt for while. And that's ok! You just had a major loss in your life. Let yourself feel emotional for a while. But make an effort to get out and experience new things. Meet new girls, hang with buddies, ect.
  
  
• She's probably hurting as much as you are. Don't believe for a second this guy she's with is Superman. She's only known him for a week! That's not nearly enough time to make a judgement about someone. She's still in her honeymoon phase with this dude, she had a four year relationship with you! And she might have just been saying he's so amazing to hurt you. Don't compare yourself to a guy you don't even know, you'll drive yourself nuts.
  
  Basically all I can say it, you're gonna be alright eventually. You're doing the right thing by breaking off contact with her. Maybe eventually you guys can be friends, but focus on YOU for now. Hit the gym, and hit on some girls. In terms of getting back into the dating scene, the book Models by Mark Manson is amazing. Its not a scummy PUA (pick-up artist) book, but really teaches you how to find self worth in dating women. For your anxiety/depression, learning to meditate really helped me. This book is good for learning how.
  
  Feel free to message me privately if you need any more help or clarification. I can also give some other book recommendations. Good luck!

Please read this book

for girls/relationships, try models by mark manson. here's the amazon link with reviews here

Basically it's a lot of the pick up and seduction community distilled into it's core content.

Cut through all the gimmicks and "lines". Be honest with yourself of what you want in your life and go after it. Don't fear failure and don't sell yourself short. It's a very honest look at male-female attraction and I think it gives a lot of value beyond random encouragement that some books give.

I encourage people to buy it, as Mark has done some great work in the community and we should all support him for it. You can get it on Amazon here.

Have you guys seen one of the main books they (the PUA community anyway) are reading now?

I'd be curious about how it comes across, since it's supposed to be about authenticity (ie: not lying to get laid)

Women can sense insecurity in men so amazingly well. Women aren't turned off by your acne, they're turned off by how you perceive your acne. If you perceive that girls will be turned off by your acne and never flirt with you then that is exactly what they will do. One thing I've noticed is that with my own skin, however I perceive people to react to it is exactly how they will.

Trust me myself and many friends have went through periods of severe acne. My best friend had over 30 zits on his face (we counted) at a party and still managed to get a girls number and ultimate hook up with her. Why? Because he embraced his acne and stopped letting it rule his life and emotions. Once I let this notion that acne is a bad thing go my life improved so much. Girls started paying attention to me and I was so much happier. My skin actually got worse because I started partying more because people started liking me more. I didn't give a shit. And now that I'm older and my skin has cleared up nothing has changed. My skin cleared up actually pretty rapidly. Did girls start noticing me more? Hell no. Nothing changed. Because acne in the physical form is nothing, but when you let it dictate your emotions you start the sad cycle I think you're in. You begin saying, "If only my skin were better I would have X,Y,Z." Or my favorite, "She rejected me because of my skin." I used to fucking say that. And then one day I realized something. Why the fuck would I ever want to be with a girl that rejected me on the fact I have bad skin.

Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24

It sounds like you're getting rejected before you even get a chance to establish your intent.

This is a wholly different problem than getting rejected after stating/establishing intent. Hell, you getting rejected itself is the only part of your question that matters.

I think this takes a lot about figuring out your approach. Judging by your past posts, you're new to all this and need to really find your footing in regards to the dating world. There are several components to doing this. For starters, note that being her friend is a different endgame than being her romantic partner. They are, 99% of the time, mutually exclusive. Disney and romcoms have brainwashed you into believing they overlap, but they don't. Get that shit out of your head. Here are some other tips.

• Work on how you present yourself. Groom well, dress well, walk/carry yourself well, and speak well. 87% of communication is nonverbal (something like that, I can't remember the exact number, but it's a ton, and yolo and shit), so it's very important to hone your NONverbal cues - arguable moreso than your verbal cues. A well dressed, tall-standing guy with a nice smile and smooth talking style will be received in a much better way than a scruffy, nervous, choppy-talking guy with all his lines right.
  
  tips for smooth speech
  
  talk with a deeper voice
  
  proper posture
  
  mensfashion subreddit
  
  
• If you're not already doing so, lift weights. This is by far the biggest thing you can do to change your physique. a built guy in a well-fitting hoodie is way hotter than a fat guy in an ill-fitting suit.
  
  fitness subreddit
  
  stronglifts 5x5 - for both routine and nutrition
  
  
• Meditate in order to calm your nerves. You're getting wrapped up in your own head and I'll bet your small talk comes off super nervous and unattractive. Ease your mind by training it through discipline. Try Headspace to do so.
  
  headspace
  
  meditation subreddit
  
  
• Understand the basics of verbal game. Lots of banter, lots of push-pull, always be advancing, etc.. There is tons on this sub in regards to that stuff, so seek it out and internalize it. Write notes in your phone and use new lines consistently to get a feel for your personal style of game.
  
  "what to say" post
  
  Models by Mark manson
  
  the shit test encyclopedia
  
  
• Note that this is NOT going to be a 100% game. You'll get rejected 99 out of 100 times at first, then 9/10, then at most 2/3 - but it's not as easy for guys as it is for girls. You will most likely never bed a majority of the women you talk to, and you have to be fine with this. Pump up your approach numbers - this in one of those things that you'll only get good at by consistently doing, understanding, revising, and implementing.
  
  resources exist for all of these things - I've tried to link the relevant ones but reddit's linking system takes forever. There's more as you dive into every topic.
  
  This covers the basics. I may just make this a post at this point, but this should give you more focus on building yourself into an attractive person. Good luck bro.
  
  edits for formatting

> and a woman is far more likely to conceive through a casual fling than through sex with her regular partner

Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles

https://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489

The tone of this poster is very inflamatory, but the information in the above post is backed by some serious research. Reproduction is major business, after all animals have adapted to their detriment to attract mates (think male peacocks, those tails make them easier prey.) Humans are just as influenced by biology as any other animal. We however, can educate ourselves and modify our behaviors as we see fit. I highly recommend the following books to anyone with the smallest interest in this topic. They are all fascinating reads and I guarentee brain = asplode when you read them.

Sperm Wars by Robin Baker

The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature, by Matt Ridley

The Selfish Gene, by Richard Dawkins

The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People by David P. Barash Ph.D. and Judith Eve Lipton

Also, I'm a gal, and understanding how evolutionary biology made humans behave the way they do has been a real eye opener. Let me tell you, bars and clubs are infinitely more amusing now. The people watching has taken on a whole new level of entertainment!

EDIT: The links were messed up, had to fix that.

Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles https://www.amazon.com/dp/1560258489/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_T-7vCbXSNZTJ0

I once read this book. It pretty much is the science of sex and reproduction. It was the Pinnacle of sex science around 2006.

Keep in mind that being poly is not just about having sex, and definitely not about just having sex with strangers.
You can be poly and never end up in bed with a strange person. Or even never be in a threesome

A good start is to get educated. Check out http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X - it may clear up some misconceptions for you. There's also faq in the sidebar.

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

If you decide to go the DIY route, I'd buy 2 copies of The 5 Love Languages and immerse yourself in /r/personalfinance

Girl, yes! I wish women (including myself) would not internalize their man's faults. Gah!

His words aren't supportive nor kind to the woman he is in a relationship with. If OP believes this is worth having a conversation over then I would say something like:

Hey, sometimes when you say (insert here) it makes me feel like (insert here). I'm not used to communicating like this especially in a relationship. Can you be more mindful in your language? (he may become defensive. Quickly remind him that you aren't judging rather asking him to communicate your language (see Love Languages for further information))

My spouse is very sarcastic and jokes a lot. Sometimes he can be hurtful. In those moments, I take a deep breath and explain to him in a very casual tone.

PM me if you need to vent.

So there's lots of things that could be going on here. First off, it is good to keep in mind that it is almost inevitable that couples will have less sex overtime vs when they started out. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is more like evolving into becoming intimate in a wider variety of ways.

Your boyfriend might be uninterested in sex because of being desensitized from consuming too much porn. If your boyfriend is truly addicted to porn and therefore so overstimulated that physical sex pales in comparison, he might benefit from seeing a sex therapist, although indulging in an occasional half hour porn session is hardly abnormal for men, so keep that in mind. If he is very introverted, he could even be using the porn as an excuse to have some personal time with himself. Genuine porn addiction is more like watching porn every moment he thinks he can get away with it, even when it is very risky for him to do so, like at work or on a public computer.

If he avoids sex because of anxiety, he might benefit from seeing an anxiety specialist. Some people really want to have sex but don't go through with it because their anxiety is so intense that they begin to panic. If he is so anxious that he wants to have sex but simply can't initiate, then you may just have to accept that that's gonna have to be your job if you want to have sex with him. Also, people with social anxiety don't just have difficulty initiating sex, they tend to have difficulty initiating anything social, so that may or may not be why he doesn't ask you out on dates or perform gestures of affection like buying flowers. Then again, people express affection in different ways, and gifts or acts of service might not be a way that he does. There is an excellent book about this called 'The 5 love languages'. Or maybe he just doesn't care, period, who knows.

If he has neither of these issues, than he may just not be particularly interested in physical sex. Some men are like that, contrary to practically every pop culture narrative. For someone to be occasionally but usually not interested in sex is known as gray-asexuality, and it's not a moral failing on either of your part, it's just how some people are. Some people are asexual because of being the victim of abuse, some are like that because they are so introverted that they don't feel comfortable sharing their most private feelings an sensations with others, and some are like that for no apparent reason at all. It's not his fault if he's just not interested in sex, and it's not your fault if that doesn't work for you either. Sometimes people with normal sex drives who date asexual people enter into polyamorous relationships, where it is acknowledge that one person simply isn't meeting the other person's sexual needs, so the asexual person consents to their partner having sexual relationships with other people. This requires a great deal of trust between the partners for that kind of arrangement to have any success, and isn't for everyone, but it's potentially an option.

Personally, I probably have all of the above issues to some degree, and I am much more comfortable having sex where I can take on a completely passive role, such as receiving a blow job or using the cowgirl position. We have vaginal sex about once a month, and when we do, I pull out after a few minutes because I get overwhelmed by anxiety. It makes me sad to know that my partner sometimes often feels unsatisfied that I often refuse to initiate sex or have it at all, and she also has essentially stopped trying to initiate with me do to the pain of often being rejected (that's a feeling women aren't as accustomed to due to sexual norms), but she has come to accept for the most part that it's an issue with me, not her, and we connect so well in other ways that we appreciate the sex that we do have as much as we can because she knows I really am trying to connect with and satisfy her as much as I can, even though it wouldn't seem like it at first glance.. She now tries to have sex with me in a way that acknowledges my limitations, which often is as low-intensity as light touching or watching porn together. When I am ready for something more intense than that, I initiate.

Then again, your boyfriend might just take you for granted and expect you to service him without providing any reciprocation or even appreciation in return. Some men have the disgusting belief that that kind of behavior is the only way they can get a woman to respect him. If that is the case than he probably won't understand how stupid and counterproductive that is until someone sets some boundaries and stands up to him.

Whatever your boyfriend's situation is, him telling you that you are overreacting because your needs aren't being met is completely inappropriate. If you are equal partners, then your needs should matter to him, and if they don't then he shouldn't expect you to do anything at all to satisfy his needs. It's normal to have needs, and if someone else can't meet them they at least shouldn't put you down for having them.

Also, he might just be done with the relationship and acting coldly could be a passive aggressive way of communicating that.

So the rub is that there are any number of things that could actually be going on with your boyfriend, so what you're going to need to do in any case is talk to your boyfriend and find out what's actually going on. He might have one or multiple of the issues I suggested, or none, or something I didn't think of, but you well never know if you don't ask. If he isn't open to talking about that stuff (it can be hard, that's extremely personal stuff), than I would suggest seeing a relationship therapist together, they can work wonders for helping people learn how to communicate the important stuff that goes unsaid. He also might not know what is going on either. Many people have so little understanding of their own emotions that they couldn't even tell you what they are feeling if they wanted to, and a relationship therapist can help with that as well.

I use Amazon reviews before buying any book.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Spanish-Edition/dp/080241270X

Reviews look good. Ask her if she read it, as it seems the purpose of the book is understanding how other people want to be loved. As such, if you choose to read it, she should read it too.

Generally you don't. But if you really want to try Here is the book that will give you the best advice.

I used to be your husband. I was addicted to those machines and ended up with essentially hundreds of this stuffed animals. Its essentially gambling and I had a problem. In my mind, it was cloaked as gifting out of love, but was really an issue with how I viewed my relationship with my daughter. Growing up, my family showed me love by buying me things. This is going to sound strange, but I would reccomend having both you and your husband read The 5 Love Languages. It helped me understand that there are ways to show affection without gifting items. It was my preferred method of saying "I love you," but it was causing us to drown in clutter. It also helped me realize that I was using my family as an excuse to shop.

It is a very difficult balance, but there will need to be some sort of work recognizing that things do not equate to love and love does not mean things. Be prepared for the long haul, but also recognize that your husband is liking doing this out of love. It feels great to win something "special" for your own child. I still break down sometimes - just this month, I took my daughter to the fair and she convinced me to "win" some stuffed animals. She carries them everywhere and sleeps with them. I know this will pass, but its a very warming things to see. Sorry for the wall of text.

One of the ills of cult-thinking is that you're encouraged to think in black-and-white. THESE people are good, and THOSE are bad. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS is good; EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT is bad.

Life ain't that way. And not just in regard to cults.

One of my sisters was married to her first husband for 17 years. After she left she adopted an attitude that everything about that marriage was wrong (and very much that he was at fault for it). She presented it as a wholly horrible experience. But I clearly remember how much she was in love with him. As "flower girl" at the wedding, I saw (and was inspired by) her expression as she came down the aisle. I learned a lot of healthy things about marriage by watching the two of them together (which I needed, because our parents' marriage was not a good one). Even if things went downhill between my sister and her husband (for reasons I later realized were an example of The 5 Love Languages -- a useful set of guidelines that appear nowhere in Scn), there was joy. And by refusing it, she was refusing an admirable part of herself.

> "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -- Mark Twain

Seriously, it sounds like you are more than pulling your weight. You work 90 hours per week and you clean up around the house and notice her.

Maybe you have insecurities of your own to deal with? Why do you not think you are measuring up? Do you feel like you aren’t good enough for some reason? Deal with that stuff first. And just fyi - most people feel inadequate/unlovable to some degree. It’s important to get that lie out of your mind.

To fully express how much you love your wife, you need to do it in “her language.” Read the 5 love languages: https://amzn.to/34p8kiz. It’s a famous book so should be available at your library.

Read this book. The Five Love Languages. Seriously. Basically, in the book, Gary Chapman details the importance of understanding your love language,your spouse's love language and how the two interact with one another. Great read for those in committed relationships.

u/notahappy18 is right. He also thinks he can avoid feeling as guilty if you just move on away from him. Out of sight out of mind.

If you’re young (20’s) and have no kids together, he might actually be somewhat correct about this. In so far as you might separate, find a good man and have a nice life with him. As for pain avoidance for your WS, it’s not so easy to outrun his conscience.

Nothing really gets better for either of you until you deal with the pain head-on, process it and leave it in the past. (The concern for you is that with things not dealt with you’ll actually pick another cheater and repeat the cycle. Just like people leaving an abusive relationship gravitate to new abusers because they’re broken inside and not healed. )

Anyway, you should not beg him to stay for many reasons. But you can point out that he’s not going to get the relief he wants from separation. He’ll still feel like he’s a POS. On top of that he’ll feel like a coward too. Appeal to his sense of duty and obligation in the short term. He probably thinks there’s no way back from what he’s done. In the big picture you have to show him there is a way. (But it is long, and difficult, be under no illusion yourself.)

Start him here:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From... https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It’s a short, easy to read, and direct book that gets straight to the point.

Also, there may be some projection going on here. Q: which is more hurtful to you: a PA or a EA (physical/emotional affair)?

If you answered emotional you’re with the majority of women. However, the majority of men would answer the opposite. So he is judging his actions by how he would feel about it. He isn’t considering you might have an alternative viewpoint. I’m not trying to minimize his actions here, but just point out he is assuming a huge amount right now and probably getting most of it wrong.

That is the approach I’d recommend taking with him. Demonstrate he hasn’t got it all worked out and he needs to work with you to get it figured out.

It is very much a catch-22. WS have a very hard time owning up to their actions because very often they've betrayed their own sense of propriety and the values they espoused and believed. Many WS are truly ashamed of their behavior and it makes it difficult to speak the truth because it is painful for them to admit as much as they are pained to see see how much pain they've inflicted on the BS. Of course, none of this excuses their behavior and it perversely makes the issue of trust ever being restored that much more difficult.

The reality is that it the WS to take command of the healing process of the BS. They may not be up to the task, but if true healing is to ever happen, it will ultimately be up to them. The very best book I read on this subject and what I believe to be the most helpful is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. In my opinion, it needs to be required reading for the the WS and the BS. It should be one of the very first things that is done after D-Day. It is critical for the WS to understand their responsibility in helping their partner to heal. Those who can commit to this are the ones more likely to not only survive an affair, but come out better than before. It's not easy, but it is possible.

The BS needs to read this book to understand the realities of the healing process and the challenges the WS is facing so they can manage their own expectations in the healing process.

I would still recommend getting the book "Opening Up". I know you said you aren't interested in an open relationship, but the thing is, you seem to be assuming that there are only two options: open or not-open, but the reality is that "anything you can think of" is a genuine relationship option.

Of Opening Up: "Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships"

This is very useful mostly because it helps you to break through the standard assumption that there is monogamy and open, and it is either all or nothing. This isn't true at all, and there are infinite ways to arrange your relationship.

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Let the downvotes come, but why is asking someone to be in an open relationship a bad thing? I am an open relationship and it is the single best relationship I have had. It seems like you have already decided to be lonely and single, but if you love her why not do some research? Opening Up and /r/NonMonogamy are good places to start.

It isn't easy and it is not for everyone, but there are other option besides getting stoned and feeling sorry for yourself.

EDIT: Reading back my last sentence sounds a bit more harsh then I intended. Don't get me wrong, when I am feeling down the first thing I do is pack a bowl and grab a controller. I just wanted to be contstructive.

Good luck!

To sound like a bot - I really suggest you all read the BASIC FAQ and INTRO stuff at www.morethantwo.com

And if you're into books, some options include:

• Opening Up
  
• Sex at Dawn
  
• The Ethical Slut

Sure. My top three would be these:

Sexual Wholeness in Marriage https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981957641/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_B8SDCbSKZGE3Z

What Your Parents Didn't Tell You about Sex: An LDS Guide to Sexual Intimacy https://www.amazon.com/dp/1508608873/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_RZSDCbSS6V2V4

And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587830345/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_R1SDCbHVJAKXZ

But the best known book on the subject is this:
Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy https://www.amazon.com/dp/1680476548/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_h7SDCbRA5JWKB

The book "And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment" was written by an LDS woman who struggled with a lot of the psychological challenges to being able to enjoy sex within marriage. You should read it with your wife. The book will help you understand better where she's coming from, and may help her see her challenges a little more clearly. You should also encourage her to talk about this with someone else like a therapist. Although she probably loves and trusts you, there's probably just too much at stake for her to be able to express her feelings without holding back they way she needs to in order to deal with these beliefs.

From what I can see, there's nothing wrong with how you are approaching things. You love and care for your wife, and her sexual fulfillment is very important to you. This in no way is a problem with sexual technique, and you aren't a "failure" of a man just because your wife never has had an orgasm. She is dealing with some deep-seated emotional issues and beliefs that she needs to address before she can enjoy sex the way God meant for husbands and wives to enjoy it.

If you live in Utah, send me a private message and I can refer you to a great husband and wife licensed clinical therapist team that I'm confident would be able to help you both figure out these issues.

It's really good that you had an open conversation with him and know a bit about what he likes and what his current limits are. Your basically starting out a journey of mutual self-discovery so be ready to see those preferences and limits probably change as you experiment with each other. Although femdom porn videos can be useful for inspiration you definitely don't need any of those fancy items to start up, specially now that you are still discovering if it's something you like to do. Everyday household items are just as good. Your hand, a hair brush, a wooden spoon or a desk ruler are perfect for spanking. As for cock rings, use a ribbon or a soft rope, something that isn't too thin to not dig into his skin and most importantly, don't leave it for too long (not more than 10m/20min) and if it's too uncomfortable remove it or cut it out carefully with a round scissor.

Just remember to be patient and start slow. Be aware of each others limits and preferences, don't rush things and pay attention to each other's body language to understand if you are enjoying it or not. Above all communicate, use a safe word and have fun by not taking any of it too seriously.

In my opinion, "The Loving Dominant" (https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727/188-7715791-1251046?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0) is a great book for reference on the subject. It helped me a lot.

Hope any of this helps, wish you both the best and hope you enjoy it! :) Good luck!

In the name of science have her go book shopping with him.

Some decent books:

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns

The Loving Dominant

S&M101 though, I think the first two are much better for feeling out dominance play....S&M101 I feel is a little more dated and reads a tad more like a "technical guide"

They can learn a lot about each other by reading up and discussing. She might find somethings that pique her interest. He should be able to find examples of things he'd find hot. Everyone wins.

May I suggest this. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 No More Mr Nice Guy. For many of us, we hate that we're the "nice guy" but don't want to be the jerk either. Read it for yourself. Take it or leave it.

I highly recommend that you buy and read The Five Love Languages, first separately and then together.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414079703&sr=8-1&keywords=the+five+love+languages

This book talks about how little resentments can build up over time if your SO is not getting the type of 'love' that they need, and then how to identify and give the other person that type of love. For example, you may think that you are doing a lot for her, but if acts of service is something she responds to, and you're getting her gifts, she will not respond to you the way you would expect. If you are both willing, it is a great start to opening that communication up.

If not, then the next step is actual therapy.

Quick notes on rope.

• Climbing rope can be great, but be aware that especially if using thicker rope it can be harder to do safe, comfortable ties; also in an emergency it may be harder to cut. Most of the time (personal opinion) it doesn't look as sexy as --
  
  
• Hemp rope, normally 6 or 8mm, is ultimately the most versatile, sexiest feeling, and tends to be the choice of enthusiasts, and a few cotton and jute ropes are quite nice (avoid the red/black synthetic crap that manufacturers always market as something like 'japanese silk', which is a) slippery, b) ugly and c) not that much cheaper than good rope).
  
  
• If you're doing rope bondage, get yourself a pair of safety shears with a flat edge just in case you ever need them. You'll probably never need them, but imagine if you did and didn't have any! Or actually, don't imagine that, just buy some!
  
  
• The videos that usually get recommended for beginners over on /r/BDSMcommunity are twistedmonk's and they have some excellent basic tips.
  
  
• When trying out ties, start off leaving lots of slack. Better escapable than dangerous: you'll get a feel for rope as you play with it more.
  
  
• Practise on yourself! Try column ties on your legs till you can do them blindfolded.
  
  
• Want to go further and explore shibari? Douglas Kent's book is a great provocative coffee table addition.
  
  A final note, not on rope: when using other bondage materials, please, please, think of safety too. Some examples of safe thinking: handcuffs and irons are rigid, and harder than your body, so keep them loose(ish) and don't apply pressure; gags are great, but they remove one easy layer of communication and consent, so have a system (finger clicking, e.g.) to get around safe words; some things (cable ties, e.g.) are never acceptable, even in extremis: think about the properties of stuff you use.
  
  Just as importantly, have lots of fun! /r/BDSMcommunity is great for any further questions.

As far as free online videos, Twisted Monk has some very basic videos, and I learned a lot from the Two Knotty Boys videos as well. They're both very helpful when starting out.

For Shibari information specifically, Midori's classic book is a good place to start. After that, I suggest moving on to Douglas Kent's excellent Shibari books, both the first and the second volume.

I can go on for a while about other good rope books if you're looking for more general information, so feel free to ask if you need more info. Of course, sticking your head over in /r/BDSMcommunity is a good move as well.

The following strategies and resources are those that have proven particularly useful to me. I hope they will prove useful to you as well. I think it's helpful to approach them like an academic subject - take notes, analyze and dig deeper, look for related resources. Take your time on it and approach it like a continuing education process.

Self-work:

• The Power of Vulnerability and other work by Brene Brown
  
• Stoicism
  
• Radical Honesty
  
• Exposure and Habituation (this is specifically focused on overcoming anxiety, but is very useful for confronting/dealing with anything you avoid for fear of negative emotions)
  
  Communication:
  
  
• Active listening
  
• Non-violent communication
  
• General tips
  
  Relationships:
  
  
• More Than Two
  
• Multiamory podcast (scroll for interesting/relevant topics)
  
• Poly Weekly podcast (ditto)

Friends told me More than two is a great book :-)

It is an evolutionary trait,

Women actually moan during sex to attract other sex partners, because its in her evolutionary interest to get as much semen in there as possible and then let the strongest sperm win. So back in prehistory it was in her interest to signal to other males that she is ready to preform the reproductive act, other males would hear her and think "oh boy a horny chick" and go fuck her after the first dude was done. Scientists have observed the same behavior in chimpanzees and bonobos (our closest genetic relatives) They call this "“female copulatory vocalization" and generally the more promiscuous the species of ape, the louder the female is.

If you're interested in human sexuality from the perspective of evolutionary psychology (and who isn't!) I highly recommended the book "Sex at Dawn"

Edit: If you don't want to go buy the book heres a link outlining the study. Or see #15 on their sites FAQ.

TL;DR - Because we're horny monkeys

It's a book by Chris Ryan that goes into the science and psychology of sex.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813

No if we are looking at the long term, these kinds of values come into play when property ownership is relevant. When wealth comes from how much you own people want to make sure that their genetics are the ones that benefit. Since it is easy to determine the birth mother controlling women's sexual agency in terms of religion and morality in order to ensure the correct lineage. Pre-agrarian (and even some more communial agrarian) societies didn't have these concerns, so sexuality was not policed in the same way. Children were seen as adding to the whole family, which was basically the community at large.

Men could have all the sex for pleasure they wanted because it was less relevant to the economic situations. Courtisans and harems existed for men at the very top of the food chain and were completely acceptable by everyone in the court system.

I hate to say this but there has been a ton of research on this, including basic histories of certain cultures that says the exact opposite of what you are saying. How we view sex, marriage and family has changed drastically depending on the time and culture you exist in.

Marriage: A History is a very readable overview of how the institution has changed over time: http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-History-How-Love-Conquered-ebook/dp/B002I1XRZY/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

And I have heard very good things about Sex at Dawn, which talk about a lot of the arguments you are making: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813

Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships

John Gottman's And Baby Makes Three is a great guide to preserving your relationship with your SO. Husband and I read it together, and we found it very reassuring and helpful. It started several thoughtful, productive conversations about our expectations for this journey and how we will support each other through it.

This book is amazing.

Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.

About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.

All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.

At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.

Good Luck

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

Two things:

Don't be afraid to ask about it. Usually, something along the lines of "I noticed you're listed as seeing someone else, are you still looking for more people to date?" should suffice. Communication and transparency is paramount to the majority of poly people.

Secondly, if you've never been in a situation where polyamory is on the table, do some research; read this stuff:

Opening Up

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn

Good luck!

Opening Up is also a good book to look into. It's a broad overview on open relationships in general, as well as polyamory, partnered monogamy and various other ways of looking at human sexuality.

Edited my previous comment because I was too lazy to give a brief description and an Amazon link...

It's also worth checking out The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

[Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships]
(http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/157344295X?pc_redir=1404362674&robot_redir=1)

Here's another one.

"And They Were Not Ashamed"?

Some time (not in bed, just casual around time) bring it up, and ask what she'd like to hear. That's your best bet.

If she's shy about discussing it, have her write some things down for you to try.

After play, talk about the experience. Did she like it? Would she like it rougher or more gentle?

Props to you for being flexible and accommodating!

Also, if things progress further, I suggest you check out this book it's a fantastic resource, even if you're just into a little rough and a little dirty.

OYS #41

Been at this over a year.

37 yo, 6’0, 165lbs, 9.5% BF, married 4, together 7, kids 3 & 13

Another interesting week over here. Started OK, went to shit, then got great again. There were many ups and downs but by the end of week I had regained frame.

​

As I wrote about last week, I injured my shoulder bad from lifting. Lots of numbness in my left arm, fingers and shoulder. Stinging sensations all fucking day and night. I didn’t get more than a 2 hour stretch of sleep for over a week until last night. I went to the chiropractor and doctor and got help. Daughter also brought home a 3-day bug from preschool, so that sapped me further. I knew all of this was a test – and it hit me hard. I did manage to keep my shit together but it was a weaker version of my frame and it had an impact on lots of other things, including my relationship.

My 24/7 dominant and submissive contract ended on Sunday. This was the first time we took it 24/7, and kept it at short duration to reconvene in a week. Truth is, with my sickness and inability to even do a pushup much less lift, I started to get down on myself and it affected my relationship negatively. I often failed at my part. The good part about all of this was that having been through this before (lift inability and sickness) I KNEW what would happen and managed to maintain frame somewhat instead of lapsing into a depressive death spiral. I looked back through previous OYS of mine – last time was end of April 2019 this happened – and I was a fucking depressive mess. This time I just felt unmotivated and recognized some things to do to prevent me from going into a spiral when I can’t lift, and did something about it.

Being in the kind of arrangement that I’m in makes it even more difficult when getting sick strikes. Some PMs with /u/InChargeMan (part of me doing something instead of wallowing – reaching out to other men) helped me understand what the end goal would be in D/s terms: she would gladly be doting over me while sick as an eager submissive aiming to please. I just haven’t trained her enough yet on service to make that realistic and still maintain frame, so I just kind of went with it on my own. This created dissonance in my relationship as if I was being dishonest, so I once again….. threaded the needle….. “Babe, you know I’m sick and my shoulder is busted. Yeah, I don’t feel good. Yeah, I might complain some about the pain. But I’m going to be OK. I’ve got things to do and they aren’t going to wait, and it sucks, but I’ll take care of things.”

Any sense of weakness to my frame now results in nearly immediate feedback from my wife by way of her shutting down her submissive vulnerable state and having anxiety over her Captain being able to lead. Especially while injured. Especially while sick. Especially while feeling unmotivated. This results in her leaving a feminine caring frame and entering a masculine one of duty and ownership. I am still learning how to thread the needle of keeping her in that feminine frame permanently and give her the gift of complete surrender and vulnerability, always.

There was a comment by another vet here on my OYS a few weeks back that said I wasn’t capable of a D/s relationship, and the only way that I wouldn’t blow this the fuck up is if I was an Alpha fuck my whole life. Otherwise, he projected that no previous-beta-turned-alpha would be able to hold frame in this dynamic. I’m here to tell all of you – right now – that is complete bullshit. The most bullshit I’ve ever seen. Truth? That comment made me question everything, for a long time. And then I realized… wait a fucking minute here… this fucker doesn’t even understand what the fuck is going on here and certainly, CERTAINLY doesn’t even have the beta game required to keep this dynamic a fulfilling one. Ultimately, I came to this: Why the fuck am I even listening to this faggot?

I’m here to tell all of you whether you are beta, alpha, omega, faggot…. It doesn’t matter. Anyone can have this kind of relationship with a strong developed masculine frame. I am not any kind of special case. But, who do I think is the best at it?

Former Betas, with some natural Alpha, who then found their masculinity and chose to make it their primary frame make the best Doms in my opinion. We all know there is a balance required for AF/BB.. with the real goal of being an Alpha Bucks. But in a D/s like mine, beta game is what really, really gets you great at being a Dom because of your ability to not only manipulate the physical but also the mental. As a former beta, you know what can be done to manipulate the mind but you choose to use that power in a responsible, sane, giving way that would only make your subs life more enjoyable and better.

Well, I identify as a “Loving Dominant” or whatever label you put on it. Much like others here at MRP who have gone the D/s route. It’s debatable, but this type of Dom in the community is highly sought after by submissives everywhere, is considered to be *only* true type of Dominant for a 24/7 relationship (reading: The Loving Dominant) that is sane and consensual, and is the type of Dom that one would gladly submit to (you can obviously throw in Daddy/babygirl and other types of D/s dynamics into this category). It speaks to their femininity to it’s core.

I can now, with a single look into my wife’s eyes of 10 seconds… make her smile, or laugh, or love, or get horny, or cry. The frame that I have built is powerful, but not complete, and I think I can get there faster with this FO on my ship.

I have come some distance in the last 6 weeks. After my wife has researched a lot, read 3 books, and sought advice from her therapist with my encouragement - our dynamic is changing. She asked to be in a 24/7 D/s for the rest of the year. No breaks. It took me a long time to decide if that’s best for us. I eventually agreed from my own frame.

This week we have resumed training. In a very loving intimate moment, she asked to be collared. Our relationship is not quite ready for that step, but gave her a training collar to begin.

I am proud and satisfied with progress of where I am. Seeing my wife – who until a few months ago would never admit she liked being dominated, fucked, used, or being loved because of her massive ego – kneeled before me with the utmost vulnerability and submission at the side of our bed. I issued the command “Ready to please”, and watched her drop her hands to the floor in front of her and brace herself. She lifted her chin to look at me in the eyes while tears rolled down her face that created long mascara runs down her cheek. I catch a glimpse at the plain black leather collar around her neck and watch her mouth began to slowly open widely and remain open, ready to please me. It took my breath away. This woman… all mine…. Submitting to me in a position similar to this, hoping and wishing I would let her please me. I looked at her, with her eyes peering into mine and ask “What is that little mouth of yours for, sweetheart?”, and she replies as my good girl would:

“It is for sucking your cock, HornsofApathy.”

It’s going to be a wild ride.

Strength motherfuckers.

> I've found a very willing sub who wants to sub for me full time.

How experienced is she?

> What I really need is some sort of newbie guide for doms.

You could try The New Topping Book for starters, or perhaps, The Loving Dominant. For a great discussion of power exchange at all levels, rife with subtle helpful tips, definitely get yourself a copy of The Control Book. Of course, we've got our /r/BDSMfaq which should help with most really basic questions and this community as well for complicated ones.

For new people, 24/7 is really not recommended. It's a lot more work and a lot more responsibility than you may realize. It is generally recommended that you start out slow - say an hour of service one day, followed by a few hours another day, slowly working up to a whole day, a weekend, and finally a whole week.

Only after testing the waters and knowing it's what you both really want is it really a good idea to go into 24/7 D/s, in my opinion. You can certainly rush it if you want, but you should be wary and aware that you are rushing it.

> I understand that I tell her what to eat, when to eat, and what to do at pretty much any time,

What gives you that impression? Is that what she wants?

> but I'm not sure how to reinforce and make sure it becomes lifestyle in a way that it hits that right spot in her brain for her.

Does she have a problem eating regularly and on time? If so you'll have to provide her a structure with rewards and punishments that encourage her to eat. Typically positive reinforcement is better than negative reinforcement. Punishments should not be enjoyable, reserved for serious infractions, and should always fit the infraction (soap in the mouth for improper speech makes sense, but not for not eating).

> She's all for it, and has given me lots of advice on how to dom her, but I'm worried that if I'm not training properly this could blow up in my face.

Training for what? You need to have a specific goal for training. Either you are training her for a general position (sexual service, domestic service, both), to learn specific skills (bottom or top skills you can teach her), or to become molded to your personal specific desires for a bottom. Which do you want, and which does she want? Do you agree?

> Sometimes we'll just kinda relax, hang out, play games, etc. Am I ruining the dynamic by letting her joke around with me? Where do I find that right "balance" ?

Is she having fun? Are you having fun? Stop overthinking it. There is no need to be any particular way. Just be the way you are with her, naturally, but with confidence that what you say generally goes. Don't be afraid to make mistakes either, because you're human and you will make them. Own up to them, and rectify them. Set an example.

> So far she's been very good about asking permission, saying sorry, thank you, etc. How important is that I keep enforcing that? How sternly?

It's important only if it's important to her or important to you. Is it? Did you ask her? Have you asked yourself? You've really gotta ask yourself and her these things, think about them, talk about them, then think some more.

> Does sexual training help reinforce the domestic training? Should there be a schedule for sessions?

Domestic service and sexual service are two different things. Sometimes they can be mixed (nude domestic service in an apron and shackled heels, mmmm). Should there be a schedule is up to you; however, repetition of lessons always helps humans and most other animals with training.

> She asked me to reprogram her, to be her sir, and to dominate her life. I want to put the effort into making sure I do that right, because it's something we've both always wanted.

She seems like an idealistic newbie, and so do you. You both need to put a lot of work into writing essays and communicating with each other finding out exactly what it is she wants and what you want. All this vagueness isn't helping either of you. That's my assignment for you both!

tl;dr Make a list of what you are looking for out of a 24/7 relationship, find out what she is looking for, and make some goals for you to achieve through her submission to you. Write these goals out and create a list of rules to support meeting these goals.

Recommended reading...

The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino (excellent all round guide with different chapters being written by different 'experts' in their field)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-Tristan-Taormino/dp/157344779X

Also The Loving Dominant

http://www.amazon.co.uk/LOVING-DOMINANT-John-Warren-Libby/dp/1890159727/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381581398&sr=1-1&keywords=the+loving+dominant

Apart from that, try joining Fetlife.com It is crammed full of advice, information and also will help you find your local community

Mollyxxx

On top of verbal safe words, have a set of ways to signal to end the scene through touch. Three light taps has worked for me as they are contrast to the usual clawing and grabbing that happens. This will come in handy with your deep throat training.

I'm glad to hear that all is well. It may seem cliché, but adding a power exchange dynamic to the bedroom may be what is needed to jump start the bedroom; this require that the reason be something beyond communication and trust that is causing a lack of enthusiasm.

Having these anecdotes also helps for showing that BDSM does not have to be the mainstream stereotype. As for your introduction, you may be interested in books such as The Loving Dominant and SM 101.

Along with the two books I recommended, having a power exchange doesn't have to involve pain. One example I use is rope bondage. This does not have to include pain; the removal of physical agency is quite powerful alone. Ropes may be out of your realm but other painless methods are available such as sensory deprivation.

Best of luck.

• 1. I have quite a few heroes, for various reasons. /u/leave_a_lilypad for one, is one of them. She puts up with me after all. She knows all the other reasons :)
     
• 2. In the USA. With a greencard.
     
• 3. Lonelyness.
     
• 4. 
     
• 5. Stupidity in the face of common sense. Abusive people. racism. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...
     
• 6. Graduating a highschool where none of the teachers actually taught. That kind of put me off any further schooling, though.
     
• 7. I have a high pun-tolerance, but a good pun can leave me in stitches.
     
• 8. Nothing. The sound of my singing curdles milk in a five-block radius.
     
• 9. My (grand)mother's saurkraut casserole.
     
• 10. At the moment, that would be a toss-up between Jim Butcher and Neal Stephenson
      
• 11. I have had a great many nicknames. Currently, i'm enjoying 'Angel' more than any of them - my real name is a little hard to pronounce for american people.
      
• 12. /u/leave_a_lilypad and little lilypad. :)
      
• 13. I've answered this question in some detail, here
      
• 14. Reading, writing (bad) stories, playing open-world games, applied psychology and neurolinguistics and it's use in BDSM
      
• 15. The internet!
      
• 16. txttlk n ppl who type liek dis - and video 'articles' without an actual written article.
      
• 17. I'd be an eromancer. Make of that what you will :P
      
• 18. Wolves.
      
• 19. Freud, Vātsyāyana, John Warren and /u/eave_a_lilypad - heads will be blown. Paradigms changed. :D
      
• 20. One. If that.
      
• 21. Four days. Computer camp! :D
      
• 22. Probably the NYC World Trade Center.
      
• 23. Sinterklaas :)
      
• 24. I had sex with a preacher's daughter. Under the choir stand. During Christmas Mass.
      
• 25. A young leonardo dicaprio for my childhood years. And Vin Diesel for my twenties onward.
      
• 26. I'm ... Indifferent.
      
• 27. Either The Fifth Element or Hudson Hawk.
      
• 28. See 24
      
• 29. History
      
• 30. King Cobra. I wouldn't recommend it.
      
• 31. I collect random trivia. Did you know that some species of grashopper have their ears on their knees?
      
• 32. Considering I have zero fashion sense... No. Not really.
      
• 33. Not that I'm aware of.
      
• 34. Mandatory free education up to and including college, must include at least three different religions, evolution and sex education starting at the age of 12.
      
• 35. According to /u/leave_a_lilypad, "May cause exploding panties."
      
• 36. Sunni Gummi. Not even kidding you. I was probably about four years old.
      
• 37. Probably the near tram stop.
      
• 38. Some days I wonder...
      
• 39. Having a house built from scratch
      
• 40. /u/leave_a_lilypad

>gaming groups...Anime...magic

Those hobbies are terrible for meeting/dating women.

How long have you been single? Are you just trying to fill a void?

Work on yourself, try out new hobbies: yoga, fitness, meetups.

Make some woman friends first, people you're not attracted to perse. Expand your social circle, be a fun guy.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Models. See this video on how to flirt.

There's a popular self-help book about it, apparently:

http://smile.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/

EDIT: Hurr durr I'm lightning fast at posting this.

Dude, something is seriously wrong, and it's your acceptance of being 2nd place in her life for so long. This is what you have direct control over. Somewhere earlier backbone would have solved some of these issues, or forced you apart.

​

Here a couple book links:

• How to say no. This book will help keep her feeling secure and that you care about her.
  
• How to deal with why you don't believe in yourself.

I'm reading this book and find it helpful, maybe you might as well.

I didn't see it brought up yet in the sea of posts, but I wanted to bring up "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's a self-help book based on being an authentic you instead of a "nice guy". It is definitely worth checking out and really helped me reevaluate myself.

Non-affiliate Amazon Kindle page:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Edit: removed incorrect web link

Something to read that will help you find answers or ideas to your questions.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0991399706/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526441375&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=more+than+two&dpPl=1&dpID=51twfWzEPbL&ref=plSrch

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0399579664/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526441540&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=the+ethical+slut&dpPl=1&dpID=51HiTftUarL&ref=plSrch

You can try reading The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_S0xvxbW6M7EQ1

Would she be receptive to reading the book on Love Languages, and then having a discussion from there?

You've mentioned elsewhere that "advice from some dude on Reddit" isn't going to go over well, but advice from someone with a bit more of an authority might be helpful.

Plus, it might get her to open up on if there are other needs she has that she hasn't previously expressed to you.

A friend told me she and her partner read this book and it helped them out a lot...."The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts". They would read a couple of chapters then discuss it, plus I think it includes "discussion topics". Basically, everyone has different ways on how they express love. Some people express love thru actions while others express with physical contact etc. It also teaches you how to recognize and appreciate your partners love. There is a middle ground, but dont expect your partner to totally change how they express love.

I wish I'd known about this book before my last relationship ended 2 yrs ago. We got into a huge rut and I put the majority of the responsibility to "fix us" on him. When he tried and couldn't, my resentment poisoned what little love I had left for him and I drove him away. One of the few regrets I have as an adult.

Read some relationship books, go to couples therapy. Do whatever it takes. I'm sure as you know, the problem isnt about "he doesnt put effort into planning dates"; youre feeling unloved and you've cherry-picked an example. Trust me, even if he did magically start planning better dates, you'd find another reason to be mad at him. You're feeling unloved. Sounds like he does really love you, you're just wanting it on your terms.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

You should read the 5 love languages. Some people do feel love when someone gives them gifts. Others, when you spend time with them, or do things for them, etc.

You can waste time, money, and effort trying to show love to someone in a way that doesn't mean anything to them, and you can miss how hard someone's trying to show you love, if you're not speaking the same language.

This is going to sound hokey, but go with me: cater to the "love language" they bring to work. I'm pulling this from the Gary Chapman book, "The Five Love Languages". The mechanism Chapman describes ("love languages") isn't only for romantic. We carry pieces of our "language" with us in all of our friendships, work relationships, etc.

I'm not trying to take away from the other answers here; more so, accentuate them.

• Public recognition could work best for someone who carries the language of "words of affirmation".
  
• Increased pay and perks could work better for people with the "thoughtful gifts" language
  
• Focused 1:1's and thoughtfully considering ideas could work for people with the "physical touch" or "quality time" languages
  
  Here's the rub though. I'm suggesting this as the inspiration for how to better recognize people, but don't let this slip into corporate personality tests, or cheap gimmicks. At the end of the day give people what they deserve, and this can be a framework to individualizing those rewards and building real relationships with the people running your business.
  
  
• If someone deserves a raise, give it. Explain why. Help them grow.
  
• If someone isn't improving much...talk with them, not to them, figure out what's going on.
  
• If developers are bored: http://randsinrepose.com/archives/bored-people-quit/
  
• If teams are struggling, or just had a big win be personable, be transparent. They want to know the fruits of their labor.
  
  
  
  My anecdotal backing:
  
  
• The first time I received a raise, I was ecstatic and proud, then those feelings melted away after walking 30ft down the hall from my manager's office. It didn't matter.
  
• At two companies, I've seen the small "quality of life" perks mean nothing because of the inhuman qualities placed in the culture.
  
• At another place I was ready to quit because: very little feedback/interaction -> work didn't seem to matter -> thoughts of "I don't matter".

Have a read of the book "Five Love Languages" (http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X). Talks about the different, often poorly conveyed/understood, ways in which people communicate their need for affection and attention.


It might help you with your situation, given it sounds like you've got a fair chance of reconciling with each other. Don't give up on it yet.

Edit: looks like /u/greeneyedguy6 beat me to it! I second this recommendation.

I take offense to people who say your wife isn't low libido - that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. That is just soooooooo possibly not the case. Everybody has a limit. My limit might be twice a day. Somebody else's might be twice a month. Why is it that the person who only wants sex twice a month seen as "broken"? I know you take this personally, and I understand why. Like someone else said, it appears that your Love Language is Physical Touch. You need it to feel validated. What if you found a way to compromise on the level of "closeness"? You get your day of full intercourse each week, but then two other nights each week she participates in your orgasms. How? The two of you neck for 10-15 minutes and then you masturbate yourself while she touches and encourages you. Make ground rules. Examples of possible rules might be intimacy nights can't be back to back. Barring sickness or schedule, only one "no" allowed per week. Each partner has to initiate intimacy at least once within the week. This way, you get to have more orgasms with the one you love and feel connected in some way more often through the week and your partner doesn't have to commit to heavier sex acts she really doesn't want to do. Because, I don't know about you, but I really can't enjoy fully sex when my partner isn't in that space. I can tell when her head is elsewhere, and most of the time, it makes a significant difference in my level of enjoyment. The counseling is so she understands how important the physicality is to you and you have to find out what her Love Language is and learn what you need to deliver for her. The book is super popular. If you want to see what the quiz is kinda like, I found this one. I don't think this one was made by the author of the book so it may not be super accurate, but you can google for others to try. Both you and your wife should take the quiz separately. Don't give up on your family without a fight. The woman probably cares about you, but she just either can't be all things for you or she doesn't know how to give you everything without losing herself in the process. Counseling can help to that end.

I was going to write something, but there's no tangible info to reply to.

So instead I'll ask: Have you read this book. Has he?

I was hoping this would get more of a response from some more knowledgeable/well-read users, but I'll try to offer some suggestions. I'm only engaged now, never married, and I've loved reading books with my fiance to help support our spiritual life. The ones that we've read have mostly centered over Theology of the Body and understanding Catholic teachings around dating and sexuality - so I don't think these are exactly what you are looking for. (Edward Sri's "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love" was one of my favorites that condensed JPII's book "Love and Responsibility" - it's an easy read and may be worth checking out - https://www.amazon.com/Men-Women-Mystery-Love-Responsibility/dp/0867168404 )


I feel like you are more looking for books on how to communicate, and I have two very basic suggestions for that (I apologize if you've heard of these or read them before!).

1.) The Temperament God Gave You (https://www.amazon.com/Temperament-God-Gave-You-Yourself/dp/1933184027/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501357551&sr=1-1&keywords=the+temperament+god+gave+you)

I brought up the temperaments with my fiance probably within the first month of dating. This book has the goofiest cover and it's a very simple read - but it is incredibly helpful in understanding one's natural tendencies, both strengths and weaknesses. The idea is that we all have a natural tendency to one of four temperaments and this will affect how we interact with others. Once you've determined your natural temperament, there is advice on how couples of certain combinations should best communicate. I know it sounds super pseudo-sciencey and Meyers-Briggs-esque, but I can say that is big in a lot of Catholic communities and it is so so helpful. If you don't want to buy the book this website has a lot of the core information as well: https://www.catholicmatch.com/institute/temperaments/

2.) The Five Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501358158&sr=1-1&keywords=the+five+love+language)

This one is also very popular and another goofy looking cover, but again really helpful in facilitating communication. The idea is that we all experience love in different ways (Quality Time, Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation) and the love that we naturally give may not be the kind of love that your partner naturally wants to receive.

For both of these suggestions, I wouldn't recommend just reading cover to cover. You really can just skim through them or find resources online to get the gist and then just facilitate conversation. (I also second the Gottman Institute resources below!)


Then, on a more personal note for you, I would recommend reading "Kristin Lavransdatter" by Sigrid Undset. More information here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6217.Kristin_Lavransdatter

Use the new translation by Tiina Nunally, it seems like an off-the-wall suggestion because it's set in 14th century Norway, but Kristin gets swept up in a romance with an older man and marries him when she is very young. Then it follows her through their marriage and the difficulties they face. I'm only half way through (it's 900 pages long!!) but there are already so many scenes that have helped me personally, especially about how to deal with resentment. Here's a great podcast as an intro: https://player.fm/series/catholic-stuff-you-should-know/kristins-resentment


I did not mean for this to be so long! Hope it can help in any way :)

Both of you might find these books helpful:

The five love languages This one is great for determining the ways you and your spouse like to give/receive love. It is a AMAZING book!

Not "just friends" This one is really for people who are going through an affair, but it is a good read to help "affair-proof" your marriage by learning about the dynamics that happen when affairs begin between platonic friends.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!!

Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It'll enlighten you on why you find gifts important and he doesn't, and allow you both to better communicate and show love for one another in ways you both understand.

The only way to gain experience is to do it. The only way to get more comfortable is to do it. My advice is: don’t fuck it up, or fuck it up, but definitely do one of those so you can start learning.

Books I recommend:

attached

Anything John Gottman

5 love languages

If you don’t want to read all those books, atleast look up summaries of the work. Also Mark Manson’s blog is really fucking good.

Have you looked into 'the five love languages'?
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Really.

The book is very cis het and has some subtly religious aspects as well as old school gender role leanings, but it's an interesting read and helps some people figure out the things they need in relationships (I'm a quality time and words person, not so much into gifts or acts of service).

> I've tried to be more spontaneous and do nice things and be the best husband ever, but I feel like what I don't do is payed more attention to than what I actually do.

You might try reading The 5 Love Languages.

tl;dr: people express and perceive love differently. You've got to show love in a way your wife values in order for it to be appreciated.

I’m a vet and married to a vet with PTSD.

Try this book The Five Love Languages

A counselor recommended it to me. Basically there are 5 ways in which people give and receive love. If you don’t speak the same “language” one or both of you will always feel like your being neglected. It helps both of you figure out what “language” you speak so you can both better meet each other’s needs.

I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!

Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)

FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.

A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.

Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.

NON FICTION:

Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one

My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships

Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.

I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.

Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &%#%#&*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ）╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____ when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Many people recommend a book called The Five Love Languages. I haven't read it but the gist of it is that we all have different ways we communicate our feelings to each other. For people such as myself (and perhaps you as well), physical intimacy is how we show our partners that we love them. However for some people it's different - they show their emotions through acts of service or other means. So it's quite possible that your husband shows his feelings for you in other ways, but because it's not physical intimacy it's not fully reaching you. A miscommunication, if you will.

You're assuming that he has a sex drive. And that if it's not directed at you, it means it's directed as someone else, or you're doing something wrong. These are all nothing but assumptions. They might be true. But then again, they might not be. It's important to talk to our partners and see where they are. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say your assumptions aren't true. Again, you have to stop assuming he has a sex drive. He doesn't function the same way you do. You may not be speaking the same language but you're still trying to convey the same message.

So accept him for who he is. It's an important first step in freeing yourself from the blame. From thinking that you've done something wrong, or failed in some way.

This is the book you are looking for!

Assuming you're a man, No More Mr Nice Guy (Amazon Link) is quite good as well. It has a cheesy tag line but it caters to married men who feel they're doing everything they can to please their partners and nothing seems to be working and they're at their wits end. It's a good book for any guy to read though as much of the advice will apply in the future. It talks a lot about how being selfless is not the best move in a relationship and how this behaviour of trying to fix your marriage by being 'nice' essentially is actually dishonest and destructive to it. It talks a lot about 'nice guy' behaviour as well, even people that steer well clear of being one of those kind of guys will see a few areas where it creeps in, and it explains the whole psychology behind it.

The author is a marriage counsellor and talks about things by referencing counselling cases he has worked on.

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501697487&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy <---You need to read this. I am about halfway through and it has been eye opening. Time to go monk mode...workout...read...meditate (all things I need to get better at doing as well).

Oh, no problem! I started with Rekindle his desire and then read No more Mr Nice Guy.

The other posters here seem to have decided that you're the problem here. Maybe you are. ? You have to judge that.

However, I really recommend this book. It's referenced in the sidebar, but hidden a little. Personally, I consider it to be the virtual bible of this sub:

https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

That book describes an entire process you can use to improve yourself and finally put your relationship on the right track. If you cannot fix it, it recommends a process you can follow all the way through ending the relationship if needed.

In short, you are the leader in this relationship, whether you know it or not. And women absolutely do follow the lead of the man most times. You need to focus fixing you and your behavior though before you can expect changes from her. Once you've made those fixes, use the process in the book to help her take things to the next level.

Even if you do end things with her, I still recommend following the MAP process in the book. It absolutely will leave you in a better place than you seem to be now.

I agree with marriage counselling. I'd suggest an approach that lines up with John Gottman's work - read 7 Principles. For yourself I'd also recommend MMSL or the website, http://marriedmansexlife.com/ .

I've had my share of issues as well so I hope this stuff that I've found on my journey helps.

Pros colegas eu sempre indico um livro chamado Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, eu nem terminei de ler e posso dizer que transformou a minha vida nesse aspecto.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24

Highly suggest reading the first few chapters of this book. It's exactly what you're looking for. Explains how investment works in dating. Staying honest and not being needy, why they are important. I got a really good perspective from reading this and I'm much more confident dating now.

It's not about being nice or a asshole. Honestly goes a long way.

Check out this book: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

I'm just like you. This book helped me a lot. If you don't want to spend money yet, you can always check out the author's blog. Or you can check out his old dating advice blogs with the wayback machine. There's more advice than anyone needs there, and it doesn't suck.

The fear never really goes away. Even the most seasoned pick-up artist still gets nervous from time to time when approaching a girl or asking her out. The key is overcoming that anxiety, and the only way to do that is to have enough confidence to not care about the outcome.

A key part of overcoming rejection is realizing that, believe it or not, your rejection has almost nothing to do with you. I mean, there are certain things that you're in control of - hygiene, clothing, grooming, etc. But maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend and doesn't want a relationship with anybody. Maybe she's been single for a while and still doesn't want a relationship. Maybe she's trying to get back with an ex. Maybe she's crushing hard on someone and isn't interested in anyone else. Maybe the guy who hit on her before you came up did a bad job, pissed her off, and now she's taking it out on you. Maybe she just had a really shitty stressful day and only wanted to come out to the bar just to drink and dance, and doesn't want to deal with any guys hitting on her. Maybe you're just not her type. Maybe she's just batshit crazy and she's going to throw a drink in your face no matter how good your game is.

There are literally thousands of reasons why she shot you down. Most of them are totally outside your control. So why sweat it? All you've done is find out that this girl wasn't compatible with you...1 down, 3,499,999,999 to go. That's not a failure, it's a success. Start looking at it like that, and forget the mindset that her rejecting you is a poor reflection on you, because that's most likely not true.

I'm not sure what material you've read, but if you haven't read Models by Mark Manson (http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24), buy it today. It's a great self-help book for guys in your situation, but without all of sleazy tips and methods of a generic PUA manual. I can't recommend it enough.

EDIT: Rereading your post, I realize that I'm coming at this from the angle that you're worried about rejection from strangers, when it may have more to do with being rejected by girls you're already friends with. I would say that most of this still applies in either situation though.

The 5 Love Languages. That book is the book that got me into personalities, which led me to learning about MBTI. Somehow.

[This is for you] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_ba90Ab25AP3XJ) because I read in your comments that you have a new guy that you're excited about. I have found that keeping a mate happy is MUCH easier if you know their love language. 😍

[This is for me] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DDXWFY0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Ud90Ab86J7VHE) because I have been doing Keto diet to lose weight and EGGS ARE LIFE on this diet. 🤓

[This is for /u/Miss-omnibus to read when she has insomnia] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1596433973/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_cp90AbX8407XZ) because she was sweet enough to summon me to introduce herself in another thread and we had a good conversation. 😘

AND I think there is still money left over for you to get a little something extra for yourself or save it for another contest! 🤩

Well, there goes the notion of becoming superhuman. You can only be pervert if you buy into the idea of sexuality as it's taught to you by this society. Have you seen this?

I was on the combination of venlafaxine XR and bupropion XL for a long time so I think I can relate. My sex drive was killed a few years earlier with a combination of fluoxetine and aripriprazole. One of the main reasons I had switched medications was that I thought my sex drive would return but alas, no luck. Before any AD's I had a very high sex drive. Now I enjoy sex but I don't seek it. I also experience increased difficulty getting off and I have an extreme orgasm hangover. Karezza has been a much more whole experience. As someone with chronic depression, I often feel a hole in myself, as if I'm incomplete. Karezza fills this hole and makes me feel more connected, more at ease with life, more loving.

I would highly highly recommend starting the bonding behavior schedule indicated in this book. Increased bonding behaviors and karezza even out the dopamine spikes and crashes that make depression so chaotic.

I just realised I shouldn't have put best of both worlds (seeing as shemale porn doesn't do it for me).

If you find this interesting, can I suggest the book Sperm Wars?. The title may be off-putting, but it's the exact reason men get turned on by penises.

The recommendations from other Red Pillers are pretty good so far, let me add some things that are a little bit different.

Sperm Wars

The Mating Mind

Dangerous Passion or just about anything from David M. Buss.

What has just happened has been covered in Sperm Wars.

http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489

You now serve as a warning to others, always wrap up and have some Tabasco sauce to pour into the used condom. If hear a scream you know she was planning to fuck you over.

Start saving money and play the next steps with caution. Shit is about to get messy, I don't envy you. Once sperm enters her hole, it's her sperm. If you want to be part of the babies life then see if her family will help you get back with a job or something. Only my opinion, and I don't know all the details so ultimately you're the grown up now.

You know how people say you should only try to quit smoking or lose weight if it's something you want to do for yourself, otherwise it won't take? Sure, you might be able to cut back for a while or drop a few pounds, until that super stressful day or holiday buffet comes along.

The reason "they" say that is simple: eventually, if your heart wasn't in it to begin with, you'll find a reason to go back to your old habits.

I'm all for broadening one's horizons and exploring new sides of yourself - and I firmly believe that not everyone who thinks they couldn't do it is right. However, "trying out" polyamory with so many barriers in your way from the start could be seriously harmful to your current relationship, future relationships, and your core self.

There absolutely ARE ways to "get over" almost all of that, but it is a long, arduous, often painful process. And the best way to start is with wanting to change - or at least explore the possibility of changing - those things about yourself which would prevent polyamory from being a positive influence on your life: possessive jealousy, competition, viewing love as a pie chart, potentially codependence, and any others not listed in your OP.

/u/alc6379 is correct: "Only problem with trying polyamory first is there's so much at stake..." IMO, you have to be not just curious what all the hoopla's about, you need to be honestly wanting to seek out polyamory for its own merits in your life, which means you have to think it has merit for you.

It's totally possible to go from "I could never do that" to "This is amazing, even if it isn't how I originally thought things would go", but that won't happen just because other people have made it work for them. Poly - like monogamy - isn't for everyone, and that's ok.

I would recommend picking up a few published books as primers and see how you feel after reading them: The Ethical Slut, Open, and Opening Up are some of the key introductory references most people crack open first.

Whatever you guys choose, I wish you the best of luck!

Here's the standard reading list! The Ethical Slut and Opening Up. They can be useful in many ways: giving you vocabulary to express things you might not have the words for at the moment, giving you exercises you can do to help you get past some of the jealousy and possession issues that almost always crop up, and providing advice on things to watch out for and hurdles you might have to face.

Oh, and they're just more evidence that you aren't alone, or even all that unusual. :)

Go forth and read:

https://www.morethantwo.com/

 

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/

 

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1463435143&sr=8-2&keywords=opening+up

 

http://www.dearviny.com/

 

https://www.amazon.com/Stories-Polycule-Real-Polyamorous-Families-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WT2?ie=UTF8&btkr=1&redirect=true&ref_=dp-kindle-redirect

Okcupid and fetlife are good places to contact people. There are quite a few people on both sites open to multiple partners, just use it as a couple rather than as an individual and be quite straightforward about what you're looking for. Remember, though, no-one likes to feel like they are just being used for sex, as a third or otherwise, so try to approach it in the same way you would ordinary dating, more or less.

Now, on to the trickier pragmatics. Poly doesn't work for everyone. You have to be ridiculously upfront, honest and open. Jealousy may rear its ugly head; that's normal. The trick is how you handle it. I would seriously recommend you get yourself some kind of poly primer and read it together before you delve any further. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up are good places to start. Good luck! And at the risk of sounding like Jerry Springer, be good to each other.

Have you been doing any reading? Sometimes reading some more perspectives and guides can really help you deal with your own feelings and look at why you feel the way you do.

Some of the most-recommended books I've seen are:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279641267&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279722189&sr=8-1

If you just want someone to tell you who is right in your situation with your partner, nobody here is going to be able to help. Different people take different lengths of time to adjust to things, and different relationships need to progress at different speeds. Don't be too hard on yourself (or her) and make sure you keep communication open. :)

We do have rules, but none specifically for preventing attachment. We just figure the fact that we're in love and have a history and future plans together will take care of that. A new partner isn't going to trump that. You just need to be aware that the exciting feeling of someone new is a biological reality and recognize it for what it is, rather than get confused and think it invalidates your LTR.

If your relationship feels solid, then bring it up as a general topic and see what your partner thinks. You should only try this if you guys are in a good place together, and not as a patch to fix a relationship that's on the rocks.

Here's a book we found helpful. http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Ok. First things first. Pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up This is literally the manual to creating and sustaining open relationships.

What you're experiencing with G is called New Relationship Energy, or NRE. In layman's terms, this is a crush-like time where you're having a visceral emotional connection and want to spend all of your time with him. NRE can be very strong, and will take over your thinking. Your boredom of T is likely just the NRE saying that you want to spend more time with G.

I think the most important thing right now is to take a deep breath and not make any snap judgements about where your relationships are going. That includes tamping down some of your NRE for G, and coming back down to the real world when you're with T. Keep yourself grounded.

Taormino's book is available in ebook and audiobook formats, so I would strongly encourage you to pick it up ASAP and get a crash course in making good decisions and having good communication in open relationships.

Along with a lot of the responses here, making a major decision like this over an evening's conversation raises some concern for your and your wife's approach and the longevity of the relationship.

Non-monogamy has a lot of nuances, a lot will be discovered over several months of conversation and actively dating outside of this relationship, but few over one conversation.

​

I would suggest taking a step back and educating yourselves, together, to learn more about what it means for your future:

1: Read open relationship and poly books together. Here are a few I'd suggest:

- Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory

- Opening Up

- Polyamory in the 21st Century

2: Listen to the Multiamory Podcast on topics that you get stuck on or become aware of

- Multiamory

3: It also seems like a lot of assumptions are being made without explicit discussions. A core tenent of non-monogamy is honest communication.

>I have no reason to believe...

- Have you explicitly asking, "Is there anyone you're actively interested in pursuing right now or someone that's pursuing you?

>she’s never really viewed sex as a “big deal”

- Then why open up the relationship? For sex? To capture a sense of who she used to be? Who did she used to be? These questions aren't meant to discount your wife's needs/desires/wants to open up, but getting to the core reason of opening up will make the purpose, form, and function of your and other relationships clear.

4: YOU don't have to practice non-monogamy just because your partner does. A lot of people will say a mono-poly relationship doesn't work. I don't subscribe to that belief. As long as the relationship is equal, it doesn't always means it's even - and that's your choice.

5: It doesn't matter how much you educate yourself, you'll make mistakes along the way. Have room for yourself and your partner/wife to make mistakes AND be willing to forgive for them as well as forgive yourself. It will require a level of serious honesty and willingness to be vulnerable and have courage.


Good luck!

It's really easy to fuck up open relationships! It can take years to become comfortable with everything involved. However, it only takes one book to understand what you're up against and how to deal with it:

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

I recommend not going into opening relationships without reading about them or talking to others about what that entails and how to make it work.

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

You can't resolve it any more than you already have. The only way out is through. It sounds like it might be time for you to start dating more seriously and start learning with your partner how to navigate this next part of your lives together.

Communicate well with him and try not to get too caught up in NRE (or at least remember to bring home the good parts and let it rub off on your relationship with him).

If you're looking for resources, check out More than Two (and maybe Opening Up).

Umm. no. not at all.

Go read the modern poly classic "Ethical Slut" or "Opening Up" or read some of the wiki and faq's on https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory
/r/nonmonogamy

You have a very broken sexist view of non-monogamous relationships.

Then you cannot see it. Here are some of the resources:

Books:

'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass

'How To Help Your Spouse Recover =From Your Affair'. By Linda McDonald.

Web sites/videos:

Affair Recovery Free Resources.

AffairRecovery.

Good luck OP and keep us updated!

Do not listen to what she says. Watch how she behaves. The suicide bit smacks of manipulation to me.

I'm jaded, but I would say that odds are you will never recover this relationship unless you are just willing to be abused and accept continued cheating. IT SUCKS! I tried to forgive, I tried to move forward, only to find out my wife became a better liar.

Making real changes in character is difficult. It's much easier for her to rationalize her behaviors and that will likely mean allowing herself to end up in the same position later. Only next time, she will have a dedicated email account, maybe a dedicated "burner" phone to access it, etc.

She wasn't actually your best friend. She was betraying you and then pretending to be your friend. She doesn't respect you. She may think she loves you, but is possibly damaged and not able to love in a normal way. She may be lacking in the ability to empathize with others. She is almost assuredly a selfish person. You yourself have probably been blinded by your love and not allowed yourself to see how selfish she is, but perhaps over the coming weeks you will start to think about this or that past experience, and how it demonstrates her selfish entitlement.

Good luck. I recommend this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

1 - Set a time table in your mind for how long you will give her to start making MAJOR changes.

2 - Tell her to buy the above book and read it, then ask her to give you the book so that you can read it AFTER she does.

3 - Note how long it takes her to buy it, and then to read it.

4 - Read it yourself and note how much of the advice in the book she is already doing.

5 - Re-evaluate how much of the advice in the book she is doing at the end of your time table that you set in step 1 above.

​

If she won't buy and read the book, then that speaks much louder than verbal promises. If she reads it but won't follow through with the suggestions, then I strongly advise you to exit the marriage. If she reads it and earnestly tries, you may have something to salvage.

If you think it is salvageable, then I recommend getting professional help. The two of you will probably not be able to figure this out without some therapy from a trained professional.

I know where you're coming from here. I'm HL, (my guys is maybe he's LL-ML perhaps actually) but we haven't been intimate in god I don't know.. months? maybe over a year at this point. And that's typical... months if not years between attempts. Some weird pattern of complacency. Like... it's not going to get better if you never try but what you going to do.

Something broke somewhere and we haven't been abel to fix it. It was my first 'proper' relationship and his second, so that has a real big part to play in it too I think. And I've certainly tried to fix it - I lost weight, found loads of stuff online, books from here etc Sadly he found the books 'crass' so that wasn't helpful - but - I've collected loads of tips and guides and things to try and figure out how to fix things. HAsn't helped though... there is a gear to this and we've definitely both fallen out of it. We'd periodically talk about it - I'd always initiate these and he'd say that he agreed completely, that "things would change" and then nothing ever does of course.

And I say similar to you because he spends all his free time with a headset playing games (he's literally sitting next to me right now doing this), chatting to other people... awake till 4am online and mouthing me a "goodnight" while shooting some guy on Rust while I go to bed alone. I am pretty certain he 'takes care of himself' after I've goner to bed too... and really that sort of does its own damage. Not gonna lie, I do the same thing myself now... and that's the weird pattern we've fallen into. We're affectionate and caring don't get me wrong, but there's a giant black hole where physical intimacy should be and that is so so damaging. It's like our relationship is quietly eroding from the core and no amount of hugs will fix that >_>

Our issues likely like in several places - but one of them is the mismatch between how you get in the mood and how he does. Like you I prefer some sort of build up - it would be nice if we spent time doing something together for example - and like your guy, my guy just sort of occasionally jumps on me all guns blazing and expects instant reciprocation. And by instant I mean if I don't want him inside me after 2 minutes of a back massage "I don't find him attractive" which isn't true but he's 28 now - and teaching him foreplay is a legitimate thing is proving surprisingly difficult. I guess that's both the cause of and the result of 5 years of nothing and porn ironically (like I said, we were both new to this whole Relationship thing when we started). Deadly spiral, don't do that.

Anyway... gosh intimate ranting, the worst kind of ranting... sorry!

So, told, my guy does tech - right. He plays all hours, he spends more time chatting with online people than me, more time with them than me by a long long margin. I get it... and I imagine it's a replacement pure and simple. A distraction. And, like you, I've had enough, too. So... we have a choice here. We have identified we are unhappy - that's step one, and it's important. And very very likely we're not alone - our partners are also not happy. So we have two, well actually three options.

• fix it
  
• don't fix it, continue as before
  
• leave
  
  Having established you're in the "fix it" camp you really need to talk to him. Honestly and completely about what you just told us. Because sure you may have had these conversations before but that didn't change anything so you need to have another. And it needs to do something different, because last time didn't work.
  
  In my case I had the latest one of these about a week ago. I laid out everything (again) and he quietly agreed with everything (again). Key thing. Realism.
  
  In one way or other I said this: "look we need to fix this because we're both unhappy and I don't want my future to be like this. I can't imagine a future like this". He agreed (he felt the same too.) "nothing we tried before has worked" he also agreed. He said he was afraid of trying and failing - because failing would mean it couldn't be fixed and that scared him. Part of the inactivity and complacency was actually procrastination. The outcome: we need to go to a councillor. All the reddit archer advice and internet help and chats have done not one thing. I don't know where to go from here, I just don't - so we need to run this by somebody who does. He did actually agree to doing this in the new year. I'm not entirely convinced - like the promised dates and time spent together it's likely to be forgotten I should think. But it's worth trying.
  
  Time is a precious thing. It's a finite thing. You either spend time fixing it or you call it quits and find somebody who makes you happy. Ideally you fix things, of course, and marriage counsellors exist for a reason. But it's worth looking at it like that - and mentioning to him that things are this serious - because they really are. Something fixable now might not be fixable couple of years down the line. Take if from somebody 6 years down the line more time does not solve anything (only perpetuates it) - but only actions will change things.
  
  Two books I found helpful you may also find useful.
  
  Come as You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life - I am reading this atm, though this sub I think - and it's really really interesting. From what you've said I think you would find it really insightful too and highly recommend it.
  
  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts - this might be useful for you too - you can find summaries online that tell you the basics though. This is such an important thing - and might be a useful way into the deeper conversation you need to have.
  
  EDIT
  
  You mentioned feeling resentment about rejection and I totally see that. Rejection cuts both ways - and does its own sort of damage. Time only deepens those wounds, so be careful of that. What this boils down to though is that you both need to be putting 100% into fixing things. This isn't some "you need to do this so he will do that" stuff. That just causes resentment - you feel you've been hurt and are still expecting to put your heart on the line again - and I imagine that's how he feels too. This is your relationship which is the combination of you both. You can't fix it with imbalance - imbalance is what broke it. You need to get off the ride (communicate openly) and restart it (councillor for example) and both go back into it together. Spend time together (for your side of things) and intimate time (for his side of things). even if it doesn't end... completely... if you see what I mean - sometimes these things need ramping up and the intimacy you both need should be built gradually. I'm almost looking at it as trying to see it as a new relationship - because those are the sort of things you're rebuilding.
  
  
  
  

My WS and I had exactly this conversation this weekend. We’re 4 months out from D day. I had a bad day on Saturday. Not the worst, not furious and raging but just sad and down, thinking about things I didn’t want to think about. He could see what was happening, asked if I was having a bad day, I said yes but I didn’t know why. Our issue is that he gets frustrated when I have a bad day, feeling like no matter what he does it’s never enough, so he gets distant or down or annoyed, which is not only not supportive or helpful, but it makes me mad when what I want is for him to help me feel better, but he says he doesn’t know how. But I don’t know either in truth. Or that’s the short version.

In the end I went for a drive and had some space. I went to the library and wrote a long email to him about how he needed to understand why I am going to continue to have bad days but I’m trying, that his effort is helping make the bad days further apart, and what else I want him to do . He stayed home and read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair which I had bought him shortly after dday but he never read (I asked that he please read it, annoyed he hadn’t already).

Once I came home we were both ready to have a much calmer, kinder conversation and he said he had a lot of realizations from the book. So this was a “good” bad day. Other days I seethe, feel like I’m right back to DDay in terms of my anger and wanting to run, so I pick a fight and you all know the rest. I still haven’t figured out how to manage that better. But you’re not alone.

TLDR: deep breaths, communicate, take space, consider books you can both read like the one linked above, journal or write an email to your SO whether you decide to send it or not, give it time, you’re not alone, you don’t need to have all the answers now.

First of all, congratulations on the success of agreeing to counseling, that is a major step. Make sure you find someone, and schedule an appointment this week (as its an easy thing to put off).

I am also in the middle of marital issues, and I'm currently looking for counceling as well.

The books below have helped in the past/are helping now, read them with your wife or read them at the same time in different areas (Spend $20, get two books and read them as a couple).

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress

>We can go over a month easily without physical contact.

Yikes. If that is applying to other things than sex, then that's a huge, huge problem (not that the sex wasn't in the first place). It's a long shot, but try having the two of you read this book - it's short and sweet, and it basically talks about making sure you're meeting the other person's emotional/physical needs in a relationship.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300462375&sr=8-1

Have you read 5 love languages? You should http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

> How does one remain calm in the heat of a moment? Counting to ten just doesn't do it for me :<

You don't. You walk away, or have him walk away.

Also, for the emotional support, maybe he's not expressing his love for you in a language you understand. I can always recommend this book which works pretty well with most of that.

You know what really helped me? Reading The Five Love Languages. Best seven bucks you'll ever spend on your relationships. Identifying your love languages may help each of you figure out why your love tanks have been feeling empty.

For instance, my love language is Quality Conversation. I feel loved when my significant other spends time talking with me, sharing opinions and emotions. My boyfriend's is Physical Touch. When I didn't feel loved, I automatically physically withdrew and he also felt unloved so both of us were unhappy. Knowing each other's love languages gives us a starting point on what we can do to help the other feel appreciated and loved, and when your partner feels loved he feels more inclined to reciprocate. If that makes sense. :) Good luck with everything!

Maybe check out The Five Languages of Love. It's a great book that helps couples understand affection and how to keep each other happy. Even if he won't read it, it should give you some good tools for how to have healthy conversations about this with him. I really love the book, and it's helped me understand what I need in relationships a lot better and how to communicate that (geez, I sound like a commercial, but for real, I love the book). Good luck!

Read this: http://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0943358191

There are a ton of infographics. I think bdsmgeek(.tumblr.com) has links to a good number of them. Honestly, you should just get either Lee's book or Doug's book

I have this book and it's pretty good. Those should be covered in there.

http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Shibari-Volume-1-Land/dp/0973668814

TL;DR

Here are some great videos to get you started.

Here is a free online class when you have time and want to dive deeper.

​

ONLINE RESOURCES - COURSES

Crash Restraint an extensive, free, online rope bondage course. It can be a little tricky to navigate, and you need to make a free account, but once you understand how the site is laid out, it's really an incredible resource. If you wanted just one resource to take you from beginner to expert, this would be a great choice.

The Duchy, a chill rope bondage resource with free content, and paid content that costs $3-$5

​

ONLINE RESOURCES - VIDEOS

Twisted Monk's How-To Videos Talks you through the ties out loud, which I find really helpful. (Also on youtube here.)

Two Knotty Boys How-To Videos Great basics, but a lot of the videos don't have verbal instruction, which I personally don't prefer.

Zed Ropework has a handful of good, clear videos on youtube

Watts The Safeword is a little goofy -- but that can be good! And their videos are simple and straightforward.

MorganThorneBDSM has some good beginner bondage videos (and a ton of other non-bondage BDSM content)

Epic Rope is low-key and enjoyable.

​

BOOKS

(Note, I linked to amazon but a lot of the books can be found MUCH cheaper elsewhere)

Douglas Kent's Complete Shibari: Land: 1 is my favorite, I think the instructions and photos are the clearest and most detailed, and there are a ton of useful ties.

Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage a beautiful book you could put on a coffee table, with tons of useful stuff, and steeped in history and culture, which I love. The line illustrations are, in my opinion, not as clear as a ton of photos would be.

Green Candy Press Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes, a chill, fun, approachable book. The choice of ties is a little all-over-the-place, and it doesn't feel like an extensive course so much as a small buffet of options.

A common resource referenced here is More Than Two. There's a list of FAQs and articles on there that have helped me tremendously. They also have a book that I've heard high praise for (that I have not read).

With that being said, polyamory is a diverse practice. Everyone's got their own thing and there's no real set guide. The biggest thing with poly is communication. Focus on being able to express how you are feeling with others in a constructive way. I cannot stress how important communication is. Encourage your partners to be open with you. Learn to listen without assigning judgment to what you hear. If someone's feeling something it's not exactly a reflection of who you are but a manifestation of who they are. That doesn't mean don't be considerate of others but rather don't let yourself go to extremes if someone says something you've done has upset them. Accept and own your mistakes when you make them.

There will be unexpected emotions that arise. That's okay, the emotions are yours and feel them out as needed. Try not to dwell on them. Most of all is to not shut yourself out from others when dealing with them. If you need alone time to process things, let your partners know you need some time and why.

TL;DR: Talk to your partners. Don't keep things that need to be discussed inside. If you don't communicate, nothing changes.

Relationships change. All of them. Being able to accept that and go with the flow of life is much easier than trying to keep things the same. In my experience, the best antidote to fear and jealousy is self esteem and confidence. Whether a partner no longer wants what I have to offer or is temporarily in the throes of NRE, I have to focus on what I enjoy doing. It's not easy sometimes but accepting and trusting my partners' choices is very important. Reading More than Two helped me a lot with these issues of personal agency.

If your entire conception of poly is having two women in a closed relationship... then no, you're probably not poly. Or at the very least you haven't really given polyamory enough thought to draw a real conclusion.

See: So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter and maybe give More Than Two a read, and then reassess if it's something you want to pursue.

Oh dear. Before you wander too far down this linear road, please read "Sex at Dawn, the prehistoric origins of modern sexuality" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. I think the title was chosen by the publishing house to sell books, because the real premise dismantles the notion that human beings are selfish and prone to conflict, when actually all evidence predating agriculture points to the opposite. It's a MUST READ for any educated 21st century human being.

here's the amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805

and if you do nothing else, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReQ4iuTNYtA

Read Sex At Dawn Prehistoric Origins of Human Sexuality

Great book that challenges many theories about this.

Here are two books you might be interested in.

Sex at Dawn

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn! More about sexuality and evolutionary biology (is that a thing?) but way relevant.

Read Sex at Dawn. Have your girlfriend read Sex at Dawn.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1290967913&sr=8-1

Then have an open, honest conversation. And seek a sex-positive couples therapist. You will both need it. These are serious changes.

Sex at Dawn (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805) is about this - the author makes a pretty clear case that monogamy came to exist with the beginning of agriculture (i.e. the beginning of personal ownership of land / other stuff) since this was the time when inheritance made paternity much more important

Pre-agriculture, since women would have sex with several different men and it wasn't 100% clear who was the biological father (remember, people were pretty primitive and cause-and-effect isn't immediate with pregnancy), several men would end up believing they "have a stake" in the child's future and would help take care of it.

If you haven't already, I'd recommend reading Sex At Dawn, which theorises that non-reproductive sexual hedonism among humans, was originally a means of reinforcing social cohesion and intimacy among relatively small, band-sized groups. While lame attempts have been made to debunk it, (mainly because it is accused of being anti-feminist, which is absurd; if anything it is pro-feminist because it advocates a scenario where women are allowed to actually enjoy sex) the amount of anthropological evidence it presents is impressive, and it is also consistent with my own observations.

It's also the single best explanation for the existence of homosexuality that I've encountered yet; and also explains why gay men at least, are often highly promiscuous. It's because within the homosexual context, sex is more or less entirely social in purpose. The point is to mutually generate positive feelings with someone, not to reproduce.

You'll be surprised how many people cheat, and how fluid morals can get in many situations, even in the most conservative of societies.

You can be in the most loyal, most loving of relationships for decades, and yet all you (both man and woman) need is a skin-deep trigger to jump into bed with someone else.

Do read "Sex at Dawn". Fascinating insights.

If you're interested in evolution and human sexuality, you should read this. It's called Sex at Dawn, and it's one of the first books on the subject.

Anybody interested in this topic should read the book Sex at Dawn - it's a book about human sexuality (especially prehistoric sexuality) and the author compares us and our ancestors to bonobos a lot.

Disclaimer: I'll be talking my own experiences in hopes of helping you understand yours (as much as I can at least, because I'm far from healthy myself)

You sound like me, and I sound like this. I need to see a therapist about this and I'm not going to try to say that I know why you feel the way you do, but I do know how you feel.

Before I write anything else my biggest advice is never satisfy that fear of being alone with a committed relationship. And understand our species sexuality before getting into a committed relationship. I recommend Sex At Dawn, there's an audio book on audible too. The reason I say this is because I felt for years and years that if I found that right person I'd be happy. And when I did I was. And now I feel trapped and imprisoned and too scared for fear of the pain it will cause to do anything about it. I rushed into it because of my fear of being alone, and the fact that I get shockingly attached to new relationships. Sorry for the tangent but I don't want to see others make such mistakes.

I've realized things about myself (like codependency issues) that explain a lot about me. And I realized that I have been seeking to ease my own pain through alcohol, weed (its been about 4 years now though), and relationships. I recommend you learn about yourself with the help of a therapist. There's no shame in that at all. It takes quite a bit of courage to be honest.

I know what you mean about the attached/detached thing, they talk about it in the codependency link I shared. It's not healthy though. I know the feeling of meeting a girl, getting her contact, then as soon as we part ways I feel sick to my stomach with missing her and anxiety. I am very detached however with a lot of family members, like I can't express myself. It very debilitating.

Lastly, for now at least, don't be afraid to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people. You don't have to be everyone's friend but I find it very helpful to just talk to new people. Go out by yourself with the intention of having a good time - not to get laid, or make a friend, but just have a good time. If you talk a girl/guy and they reject you smile and wish them the best (verbally or non-verbally). If you get a weird look from someone laugh about it - odds are they are going through their own shit. They are not the "normal police" out to find people going through something.

There's so much more I'd like to say but it's getting long, but it helps me to write this shit out so I don't mind at all.

https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473313229&sr=8-1&keywords=sex+at+dawn

This book is on the anthropology of sexuality with a lot of strong evidence that suggests humans were historically polyamorous by nature (pre-agriculture) and that the rise of patriarchy and monogamy are firmly rooted in the shift from nomadic hunter-gatherer tribes to settled people with something "worth" fighting over.

Read books about cultures you've never encountered before.

I read an illustrated edition of Charles Darwin's Voyage of the Beagle (this one, to be precise). The writing, the observations, and the information contained in that book are all incredibly fascinating and made for great worldbuilding inspiration.

I also enjoyed Sex at Dawn which played an important role in the cultural development of my world (regarding attitudes toward sex, sexuality, childrearing).

I also highly recommend Good to Eat. It discusses the culture and history of food-- why some foods were adopted and became widespread, why some weren't, why some were controversial across cultures. Understanding why different cultures adopt and prefer certain kinds of foods is really important and interesting, and this book presents it in an enjoyable way.

• The Swinging Paradigm: An Evaluation of the Marital and Sexual Satisfaction of Swingers, Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality
  
  
• Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of Swingers, Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality
  
  
• Permission To Cheat: Ethnography of a Swingers’ Convention, Sexuality & Culture
  
  
• From Fantasy to Reality: A Grounded Theory of Experiences in the Swinging Lifestyle, Archives of Sexual Behavior
  
  
• Can Swingers Have a Happy Marriage? Yes, but don't count on swinging to save a bad one, Psychology Today
  
  
• Are Swingers Freaky and Deviant The evolution of consensual non-monogamy in America, Psychology Today
  
  
• Swinging in America: Love, Sex, and Marriage in the 21st Century, by Curtis R. Bergstrand
  
  
• Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships, by Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jetha
  

Delusions of Gender

Sex at Dawn

Bro, do you even read?

For thoughts and scientific perspectives on this very issue, I really recommend the book "Sex at Dawn" by Jetha and Ryan. Great, great read.
Amazon link

• Sex at Dawn
  
  
• I personally think Foucault was a borderline fraud, but A History of Sexuality is very famous.
  
  
• Sexual Behavior in the Human Male
  
  

loads of christians in the lifestyle but we leave politics and religion at the door...you should too. As far as being compatible with Christianity, the bible is full of multiple wives, brothers taking over deceased brothers wives and all manner of lasciviousness. My POV...99% of the sex you have in life isn't for the purpose of making babies it is for pleasure, God wouldn't have made orgies so much fun if She didn't intend for us to partake. Church doctrine is BS made up by men to control the flock. Look into the book Sex at Dawn for a little history on how sex USED to be viewed. The idea of monogamy is relatively recent

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452562585&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+at+dawn

This is one of the best books I've read in the last 5 years. There's not a party or bar conversation I don't leave without this book coming up. Incredibly thorough information, they take common knowledge, show you the evidence to refute it, and then present their theory, then back it up with plenty of more evidence. Well written, easy to read, pro healthy sex, I recommend this to everyone I know.

Buy it

I've heard some people say that Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan is a good book; but I've also heard people say it's poorly written, so see for yourself. I haven't read it, personally.

I was your age when I had sex for the first time, and it was with my first love. While I felt some trepidation, having to get past the "script"about sex before marriage that my parents had always voiced....I felt comfortable and safe with my partner. Also I had enjoyed the excitement between us, when we'd kiss, or touch, or rub, and was physically ready for that to proceed.

​

Go slow, the first time having penetrative sex may feel uncomfortable, but if it's hurting you, stop and try another position, or go back to touching and kissing for awhile. Communication is important, don't be ashamed to voice when something feels more good or less good, or uncomfortable.

Consider stimulating your clitoris before and during sex, or have him touch you/stimulate you there first. For many women it can make a difference, that building excitement and natural moisture makes their body ready for penetrative sex.

https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vulvovaginal/

https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/manual-sex/

For my first time, intercourse didn't feel good at first and my partner could tell. I told him, "It's going to hurt anyways, lets just get it over with."...He stopped and gave me a huge cuddle, and told me "Sweetie, that's silly, we've got lots of time."

Maybe you are already aware of this, but in case you're not:

It's very exciting for men, if they haven't much experience looking and touching women so they may ejaculate quickly. If that happens, try to be sweet (don't act disappointed). If you want to continue because you're still excited, you can ask him to kiss & touch you (maybe give you oral sex if you're ready?), and he will likely be able to get hard again in 5-20 minutes, if you want to try again.

In general, orgasms are easy for men, they can finish quickly, and they are very visually oriented (visuals stimulate them). For women, sex is much more tied to emotions and thoughts, and while this varies per each women, having an orgasm from penetrative sex may not happen. It can still feel pleasurable, nice, exciting, just may not end with a "bang". And that's OK.

Feeling connected, loved, and excited by your partner is what's important. If the first time is awkward, you can both communicate and explore and develop your sexual relationship.

​

If either of you are interested in "studying" about sexual techniques (NOT a requirement for your first time- just a suggestion for future)

https://www.amazon.ca/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

https://www.amazon.ca/Joy-Sex-Ultimate-Revised/dp/0307587789

>Basically he's of the camp that insists there's something sacred about marriage defined as only between one male and one female. It's a foundamental rule of the universe that the human society must uphold for its own good.

There isn't anything universal or fundamental to monogamy in the first place.

Ever read "Sex at Dawn?"

>a) marriage is a religious matter; this is at the forefront,

Not in the US. Not in many places. Many people get married without any religious elements at all. You would be coorrect only if you said "marriage is a religious matter for many people.

>b) marriage is a social matter; we like monogamy. Much as there are people out there who say other wise, it's true. We "slut shame" because the idea of people fucking freely is wrong to us as people.

Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence. Cf.


>It's evolution, both social and biological, we like to settle down. It's why so many of us are quick to marry young, and why mothers judge you on "why aren't you married yet?"

Do you really want to bring in the ridiculous social Darwinism bullshit? Please trust me, you do NOT want to. Mothers do that because they have evolved biologically to be driven by perpetuation of their genes.

>c) and most importantly for these arguments, marriage is a political matter; marriage is the binding of two families that has, through the ages, itself evolved into an important legal venture of combined assets, power of attorney, and especially in the case of gay marriage versus domestic partnership, the ability to actually be in the hospital room with your spouse.

Well, yes. Up until recently in the west and to this day in the east a dowry is essential to marry off a daughter. Until very recently a married woman could not get a credit card in her own name. She was legally subservient to her husband, she was chattel.

Don't get me wrong - I am in favor of marriage equality. What I object to is overly simplistic, under-informed argument about it.

Humans haven't always been monogamous (and I would argue that we still aren't). Our mating practices used to (and in some cultures still do) more closely resemble those of our nearest cousins, the bonobos and chimps. That is, when humans were all still small bands of hunter-gatherers, their sexual relationships used to consist of many sexual partners. Or in other words, everyone had sex with everyone, thus the question never arose whether a specific mate might qualify as desirable enough. For further reading, I suggest this fascinating book titled "Sex at Dawn".

Read this book and get over it.

I haven't got to it yet, but I understand Sex At Dawn has some interesting postulates on human sexuality.

That being said, I don't care as long as everyone is adult and consenting. Monogamy, open relationships, swingers, polyamory, etc. It's all good. I know people in each type of relationship and they're all very happy.

Bonobos love sex and will have it with any other bonobo just as a show of affection or for pure pleasure. They're very friendly. It bothers me when people point to Apes as proof of our war-like nature, when really we're more like bonobos.

To the OP, Sex at Dawn is a really great book recently published on human sexuality and its origins. Has a nice chapter on bonobos.

My favorite source for this: Sex at Dawn

Note that there's a number of things in that book that are controversial and/or still being debated, but I think for the most part it's pretty spot on, particularly in the sexual behaviors of ancient people.

Read this: Sex_at_Dawn

Check out /r/polyamory and read about people who are practicing ethical nonmonogamy. It can be a lot of fun if you do this as a way of enhancing trust and love, rather than telling yourselves that your natural biochemistry is a sign that you love each other somehow less.

Oh, and communicate, communicate, communicate! with your man. No "don't ask, don't tell"s unless you are both certain that it is the best choice for you.

And if you want to read a great book that will help you to quell some of that old-school social narrative scare tactic about sex and monogamous, committed love being inextricably tied, then read Sex At Dawn.

Being in love doesn't stop most people from needing sexual novelty. Needing sexual novelty doesn't stop people from being in love unless they try to crush that need under a mountain of guilt and denial.

You're very welcome! By the way: you or your friend will have a craving to watch the movie Chicago immediately after reading "Girls of Murder City." If you want to make the package complete, toss in a copy of that right under it to prevent this egregious calamity before it happens! :D

EDIT: Also, if you want to read the chapter about prehistoric sex that Jared Diamond forgot to include in Guns, Germs, and Steel, then "Sex at Dawn" is a fantastic read — and, IMHO, it's more humorously written. :)

I've struggled with this in LTRs. It's common.

On this topic, I cannot recommend Sex At Dawn enough. It's a fascinating exploration of how human sexuality, both in terms of physiological urges and expectations, has evolved. It does a great job of cutting down the usual "men evolved to want to spread their seed, women want a protector for their bay-bees; Venus vs. Mars" story and offering some compelling (and personally much more comprehensible) explanations of who we are sexually and how we came to be that way.

You should read Sex at Dawn. It is a pop-sci book about sex in pre-agricultural societies (and how it operated nothing like most people imagine it did).

Here you go. (It starts off very dry to lay the ground work, but when you get to the second half it really comes alive).

Humans are socially monogamous but not sexually. Men feel more betrayed by sexual infidelity than emotional and women are the other way around. It's in our nature to want to fuck other people, but it's in our culture to feel like we have to commit to one person for our whole life. And in our culture, a successful marriage is defined by death. If your marriage ends in death, it's a success. Even if you were both miserable the whole time.

I think monogamy will the the social norm for a long time, but ever so slowly people are realizing that it's not always realistic. Gay couples are the least likely to be monogamous, followed by straight couples and then lesbians. So that tells you that men are the issue with being monogamous. The reason why women are the most monogamous has a variety of answers which I can provide upon request. The sooner people come to terms with this, the better in my opinion. Over the course of a multi-decade relationship, infidelity is bound to touch a relationship to some degree.

I am personally in a monogamish relationship with my SO and I couldn't imagine it any other way. This relationship has brought us so close together, it feels so natural to us. I'm not against monogamous relationship if that's what the couple truly wants. But I'm pro realistic views on monogamy.

I have so much to say on this topic but I want to keep it short so it's not intimidating to read. But I HIGHLY recommend Sex at Dawn. It's a book on human monogamy that will change your perspective.

Upvoted - asking for citations should not be reason enough for downvotes.

To answer your question: it is very reasonable to assume that, biologically, humans are not monogamous creatures. Some indicators for that are our comparatively low sexual dimorphism (hinting at low male intrasexual competition for females [1]), our relatively large testicles and penis size (hinting at sperm competition, rather than physical competition - again common for non-monogamous mating strategies [2]) and penis shape (the often referred-to "semen displacement device", again hinting at a promiscuous mating system [3]) for instance.

Also, there are no monogamous group-living primates (see [4]) today - simply because that would most likely destroy the group (males competing for and monopolizing females within the group, this leading to intrasexual conflict between the males, which will ultimately fission the group as a whole). And group living primates is exactly what humans were for all but the last ~10k years - i.e. throughout most of our evolution (of course we still are - but the dawn of agriculture changed everything about our social dynamics).

I'm sorry I can't provide better sources, but this should at least get you started on the topic. And if you're really interested I can recommend "Sex at Dawn - The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality" [5], these points are explained in much more detail there.



[1] http://www.wwnorton.com/college/anthro/bioanth/ch7/chap7.htm

[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamous_pairing_in_animals#Testis_size

[3] http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=secrets-of-the-phallus

[4] http://www-personal.umich.edu/~phyl/anthro/mating.html

[5] http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813

Sorry for not responding earlier, but I'm in a different time zone, and it was very late yesterday.

The linked review is about the book behind the TED talk, called "Sex at Dawn", and another book critically checking its claims, called "Sex at Dusk".

If one can summarize the points of the critic, it's probably that the main thesis of "Sex at Dawn" runs contrary to much of what we currently know about evolution in general, and the evolution of humans in particular.

I haven't watched it, but I've read Sex at Dawn which I'm sure says a lot of the same things, and yuuuuuuuuuup.

This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I have not heard of this guy before, but man, he has quite the imagination! I really enjoyed his style, and of course, this message. Thank you for posting this. I'll now be adding Sex at Dawn to my reading list!

This thread reminds me of a book I've just about completed, called "Sex at Dawn," which studies the prehistoric origins of human sexual behavior -- and how we let the construct of shame get in the way far too much when judging our culture.

Great book. It was change the way you look at modern sexual relationships.

Well, not every society was patrilineal, just most were. There have been numerous matrilineal societies, too, particularly in certain regions, and many others that have been, for lack of a better term, "mixed" (e.g., things not really passing down lines, but just to the community). Prior to either system, hunter-gatherer societies appear to have been largely egalitarian, probably thanks in part to their small size and loose concept of property ownership.

I've read a fair number of books that touch on the topics you're mentioning here, but I don't know that I've come across one that sufficiently explains why men were the main oppressors upon the dawn of agriculture. My best guess would be that it is easier for (most) men to control (most) women, simply due to size differences, and that ongoing control overtime creates entire systems of control (the same way it does with race). Add in the incentives of wealth and power that came with agriculture, and those who would want the power and have access to it would have had, perhaps in their minds, very good reason to literally lord over others. That's just a guess, though.

If you're really interested in these concepts, there are two books you might enjoy: (1) Sex at Dawn, which, while it isn't without faults, does regard monogamy/promiscuity and has an excellent bibliography that could provide you with a good reading list. (2) The Underground Girls of Kabul may not seem related to your question, and I suppose it doesn't directly deal with monogamy, but it certainly addresses questions of nature vs. nurture when it comes to gender and the roles men and women play in society throughout history and still to this day.

Further more... for fun or food for thought.

https://www.amazon.com/Tribe-Homecoming-Belonging-Sebastian-Junger/dp/1455566381


https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3/142-5728848-3469104?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0061707813&pd_rd_r=9533ee40-3006-416a-9497-bce791e1c24d&pd_rd_w=r8koV&pd_rd_wg=qKPNg&pf_rd_p=6e6afc8a-fbbd-4649-97cf-4e08f5113612&pf_rd_r=M1ZJKQDJ3QVCEFFVSQV9&psc=1&refRID=M1ZJKQDJ3QVCEFFVSQV9


https://www.amazon.com/Civilized-Death-What-Lost-Modernity/dp/1451659105/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2/142-5728848-3469104?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1451659105&pd_rd_r=e030bc0f-f8ae-471c-9ca7-f847e7eaf38d&pd_rd_w=2G4uW&pd_rd_wg=ssT2m&pf_rd_p=6e6afc8a-fbbd-4649-97cf-4e08f5113612&pf_rd_r=MKKB2P33TB0A4HYAJVMQ&psc=1&refRID=MKKB2P33TB0A4HYAJVMQ


https://bigthink.com/think-tank/how-to-make-love-like-a-caveman


https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.allure.com/story/gang-bang-sex-fantasy/amp


http://upriser.com/posts/in-the-wodaabe-tribe-women-can-have-any-many-sexual-partners-as-they-wish-and-they-celebrate-an-annual-wife-stealing-festival

I think this was mentioned in the book Sex Before Dawn.

Rules always sound like a good idea, but I've found in practice they don't work very well.

If you want to introduce some non-monogamy aspects I'd suggest stating out with a threesome; That way you are present, know exactly what happened, and can process the experience together after the fact to see how you're both feeling.

Either way, I'd say start slow, really really slow, and take baby steps once you are both comfortable.

EDIT: Also you should both check out these books:

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn

Opening Up

Try reading this and this

Also, masturbate.

You definitely can.

I just realized it's been 7 years since I read that book. Haven't read that latest edition you're holding, but I remember the chapter "Embracing Conflict" (I think that's what it was called) being eye-opening to me.

If anyone out there is interested in ethical non-monogamy, or dope books about relationship skills generally, then read The Ethical Slut (and More Than Two by Rickert and Veaux, plus The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory by Winston)

One of two things is probably going to happen.

Scenario One: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "Really!? Me too!"

Scenario Two: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "WTF!? Why don't you love me anymore!?"

The fact that an open relationship and sex with others has been brought up without the sky falling in is a good sign but partners can sometimes get into a situation where they smile and nod at something, hoping it's just a phase and you'll forget about it after a while.

Real talk; you need to accept the fact that it may turn out that what the two of you want and are comfortable with is different and ultimately incompatible. I'm not saying that's what will happen but it's a possibility you need to be prepared for so you're not blindsided.

Before you talk to her, you need to get a handle on how you feel and start learning some of the language to talk about poly and the associated emotions. Kimchi Cuddles is a pretty low intensity look at the poly world through a humorous angle and it's actually written by a person who is poly so the perspectives and language in it come from a place of knowledge. You can also save comics that address particular problems or have discussions in them that resonate particularly strongly for you.

Beyond that, there's Hardy and Easton's Ethical Slut which is (and should be) a standard issue "Welcome to poly!" book and Deborah Anapol's book Polyamory in the 21st Century.

Both texts aren't flawless, I have irks with both as do many others but for someone looking to get a toe-hold they're pretty good.

I'd recommend starting with Kimchi Cuddles, then moving on to Ethical Slut. Polyamory in the 21st Century is optional but more in-depth.

The important thing is to talk with your partner now. Make them aware that you're thinking about this kind of stuff so they don't get blindsided later on when you've been reading and thinking for a month with them completely unaware. Maybe look for more concrete responses to the idea of an open relationship.

Unless you get the second scenario, there's going to be some hurt. It's extremely difficult to avoid. You just have to keep stressing that this isn't because of a failure on her part and that you still love and care for her.

Probably one of the better books on the topic is around $30, Two Knotty Boys' Showing You the Ropes. If you want cheaper, The Little Guide to Getting Tied Up seems to have good review scores and is closer to your budget, though I can't vouch for it myself, not having read it. I haven't read Learning the Ropes either, but judging by the description, it doesn't appear to be a manual for rope bondage, but rather an overall guide to BDSM.

If that's what you're looking for, I can point you to a few recommendations. Probably the most celebrated book on general BDSM (at least among those I've spoken to) is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. Also, while it's more about polyamory than BDSM, The Ethical Slut is a highly acclaimed book about a sex-positive lifestyle.

I would caution, however: be careful with being pushy about BDSM and sex-positive stuff if you're not sure the person will be receptive. Yeah, I get that it's a "gag gift", but you want to be sure you're not insulting your cousin or making things awkward between you.

In any case, I hope whatever you go with works well for you!

Here’s a fantastic book to get any of you all started.


The Ethical Slut https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_adpVDb095EF66

Going to recommend a book for you:

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664

This is an excellent book that talks about jealousy, emotional health, relationships, self confidence, and so many other issues that arise in relationships in general. It's written specifically for people who are considering polyamory or who are curious about the subject. But honestly, I read it a couple years ago and it changed my life. And I'm not even poly! I recommend absolutely anyone who is old enough to have a serious relationship give this book a read.

That said, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad about having biological urges, and wanting what you want. We're all human. We all sometimes see a beautiful/handsome person that we can't help but think is attractive. It's a normal part of biology, and we typically try to hide it from each other to spare our partner's feelings.

If you're considering acting on those feelings, you'll need to talk about it with your partner. He has a right to know what your long-term intentions are, and while it may be scary to feel like you might lose someone you care about, you owe it to them to let them know who you are. He will probably have some questions and concerns, and definitely some limits. But if you have a healthy relationship, you should be able to at least have a heart to heart about the fact that you are increasingly finding yourself curious about women.

Again, I recommend you read the book I linked. It was a world-view changer for me. Once you feel comfortable, you should be honest with yourself and figure out if you think your boyfriend is a reasonable enough person to have this discussion with, and understand that he may feel a little threatened. Ease his mind. Let him know that you love him. And that these are just thoughts you wanted to share with him, and ask if he is comfortable exploring it further.

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

There is one very good short book that WILL explain to you and her the things necessary for a reconciliation. This is required reading for all infidelity.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

Whups, I thought I was on a different ENM subreddit anyways, sorry.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships

Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!

Hello, queer here! Bisexual and poly (though bush dating is hard^IseewhatIdidthere^shiftyeyes).

I actually bought my husband Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns when we first became serious. Its a good beginner for those entering/thinking about the BDSM scene. I also had him read The Ethical Slut because he's was solidly monogamous and did not understand why anyone would be okay with sharing their partner. I'm happy to say both books helped us get on the same page before marriage!

YAAAAS QUEEN! I highly recommend these books.

Edit to add: The Story Of O (1975). It's porn, but it's hooooott. A young woman's boyfriend brings her to a secluded chateau for "training" wink wink

I can completely understand your position, I had a long relationship with someone very vanilla and with the years it got boring. In your case it can be worse if you never have enjoyed sex with him.

​

You have two options:

1- Stay with him, but open your relationship. There are many models of open relationships that may solve your frustration and enjoy the best of him.

​

2- Leave him and keep him as a friend. Maybe you two aren't meant to be partners but big friends. I am now a business partner with my ex girlfriend and it works pretty well.

​

In any case, I urge you to solve this issue before moving together. It will be a lot more difficult later.

​

By the way, my actual partner and I are talking about opening our relationship too, if you want to read about it, I'm reading this book now: The ethical slut

I strongly, strongly recommend the book The Five Love Languages. It's very short but very helpful.

Amazon link.

I've been in a marriage enrichment group in our parish for about 5 years now. We have 5 couples. We've gone through lots of books, articles, videos and podcasts. The ones that immediately come to mind are:

(1) https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X The 5 Love Languages; and

(2) Fr. Riccardo's podcasts on marriage.

(3) https://www.amazon.com/Great-Dates-Energize-Your-Marriage/dp/0310210917 10 Great Dates hasn't been too bad.

There are a few more at home but I can't remember their names (perhaps that is a sign?). For our group we found it best to balance between more theological stuff and practical marriage skills that we can use.

No book is going to change you. It's all on you. Books provide information you may lack that helps you know what separates you from where you are and where you want to be.

Diet books don't help you lose weight.

Having said that... I enjoyed Covey's book.

I also liked... The Five Love Languages by Chapman.

Most of my fun reading though is in behavioral economics...
I found great insights in The Irrational Bundle: Predictably Irrational, The Upside of Irrationality, and The Honest Truth About Dishonesty by Ariely, although I mostly just enjoy that stuff when I'm out drinking with friends. It's fun to get people to change their order based on inputs you give them.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Great post! Thanks for sharing such a well written and expressed point of view. I think it will help a lot of people!

Apologies in advance for the completely unsolicited advice that is to follow! But, in case it might help. Check out the love languages book.

There is a good chance that your husband feels similarly neglected if you can believe it!

People speak different love languages. Learn to speak your partner's language and help him learn to speak yours.

This helped me a lot. It might help you as well.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Yes, the 5 Love Languages is a really great book, and the religious stuff is easy enough to ignore if that doesn't apply to you. The book has been around forever, your library probably has a copy.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Also, if you want to do some self education on emotional labor, I can highly recommend the condensed Metafilter discussion on this topic. This link is to a PDF which is 49 pages, but trust me, it makes for some interesting reading. It comes across as anti-male but it's really more anti-toxic-masculinity - unfortunately, men are taught in our culture that emotional labor is women's work and therefore beneath them. So I'd recommend you both read it with an open mind, and then have a discussion about what stood out for you and how it applies to your relationship.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0UUYL6kaNeBTDBRbkJkeUtabEk/view?pref=2&pli=1

Não é nada ridículo, há um estigma muito grande em relação a isso... Um psicólogo, mais que um psiquiatra, penso que seria muito bom para o teu caso! Nem que seja através da escola! Experimenta saber sobre isso, se há algum psicólogo na tua escola, se sim aproveita.

Para já estares a fazer a repetir pela 3ª vez o 10 já deves ter alguma idade, portanto podes ir a um psicólogo sozinho sem dizer nada a ninguém. Se for os da escola melhor ainda, pois não pagas.

Não precisas de lhe dizer 'eu amo-te', se tiveres outras formas de o demonstrar, não há problema nenhum em não o verbalizares. Há várias formas de demonstrares o teu amor. Há um livro que fala sobre isso, penso que se chama 'as linguages do amor' e que seja este, onde refere cinco formas diferentes e todas elas perfeitamente válidas das pessoas demonstrarem o seu amor.

Se isso te magoa, essa tua incapacidade de te exprimires, deves mesmo procurar ajuda especializada. Quanto mais cedo mais rápido vês melhorias neste aspecto da tua vida! =)

The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman

My wife has read it and I'm still getting into it. It's got some religious tones to it that I'm not super into, but the overall intent of the book is pretty positive.

> There is a book that I think is called "The seven languages of love" which explains that some see physical contact as a sign of love.

Would you mind linking that book. There are some titles that are similar but nothing that matches what you mentioned exactly.

Edit: I found two, both by the same author - one is specifically aimed at men. Link 1 ... Link 2

Are either of these the one you were thinking of?

I feel this... completely! I wish my Husband understood!!!



The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Learn more: https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_OSe5CbMJD8NG8

This book helped explain how I see love as physical touch. I didn't understand how a man could NOT understand that. His love language appears to be acts of service... which does NOTHING for me.

​

Sadly I think it is too late for us....

I think this is the book you're referencing. Agree that a counselor/therapist is probably the best direction. I doubt that this situation can be resolved with just a book.

Here's some books and YouTube videos I've found helpful.

The Charisma Myth is easily my favorite.

Anything by Leil Lowndes, but particularly Goodbye to Shy and How to Talk to Anyone

Charisma on Command YouTube videos

The 5 Languages of Love is pretty much for marriages but it is helpful for developing empathy in general and relating to people better.

Yikes. I'm tempted to jump on the bandwagon and recommend leaving the guy, but acknowledging that we're only hearing one side of the story and that you seem invested in making things work, I will offer two book recommendations, though not without certain reservations.

1. Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. There's a reason this is still Amazon's #1 best-selling book on marriage even though it was first published way back in 1992. It has 12,674 reviews and 95% of those are 4- or 5-star. I knew the basic concepts of the 5 love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) for years before I read the book, but actually reading it made all the difference in my own marriage. This was a bit embarrassing, because I had assumed my salvation would come from all the liberal, science-based self help books I was reading, but this book helped me realize that for my wife, our problems had nothing to do with sex. Maybe your husband's primary love language is words of affirmation, and he needs to hear you say over and over again that he is a good lover...or that he is handsome, or a good provider, or good at his job, or whatever else it is that is most central to his identity. Maybe his love language is touch, and the particular type of touch he craves is one that he doesn't get when he's whipping you, tying you up, or fucking you silly. Maybe his love language is quality time, and you're going to have to start spending 7 hours a week rock climbing, painting models, or volunteering at the local food bank together (whatever he's into) in order to make things work. Maybe it's acts of service, and the problem is that while you want him to command you to do all the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning because you are submissive, he wants you to do these things automatically as a way of showing your love. Only you (or he) can say for sure. I hesitate to recommend this book because some people are really turned off by the author's Christian perspective. But I include it because the principles are solid regardless of your religious beliefs and because I know of no other self-help book that offers a possible pathway to saving a marriage when only one partner is fully invested in making things work. Chapter 12 deals with this explicitly but won't make sense unless you've read everything leading up to it.
   
2. Weiner and Avery-Clark's Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy. The book is expensive, its intended audience is professional sex therapists, and it includes an embarrassing number of typos for a published book. But it is the most up-to-date and thorough exploration of what has been the most widely prescribed (and chronically misunderstood) exercise in sex therapy for decades. I would not normally recommend that a couple with your level of baggage and resentment attempt to explore sensate focus without guidance from a licensed sex therapist, but you mention that finances are an issue. If you do decide to go this route, it would require a sacrifice from each of you. He would have to give up porn for at least a couple of weeks while you work through stages 1 & 2 together, and you would have to give up all masturbation and BDSM activities during the same time period. The exercises are all about being mindful and rebuilding non goal-oriented physical intimacy with one another, and that requires you to give up any alternative sexual outlets you have been using, at least initially.
   
   I wish the best for both of you.

Maybe take the Love Language test. It sounds to me like you both have different love languages, maybe if you both did the test, read the book, you’d understand each other’s needs more? It’s a start anyway. I’m sorry you’re in a marriage with a woman you clearly love, but are left feeling unfulfilled and unwanted. Try the book, try marriage counselling, try weekends away together. If nothing works, and you’re still feeling unfulfilled, consider more drastic options, you deserve to feel loved and wanted. I truly wish you all the best.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

Find out what you two like, how you two feel loved by the other one.

This is a very important issue to me since I have a non-climbing wife who really doesnt even like hanging out in the woods of Kentucky very much either. She has gone on trips with me, but its not her favorite.

If your wife likes to join and hang out or whatever, you have a leg up. But lets assume she doesnt. The most important thing is to not let climbing become an issue of contention. That means, find a balance of time for you and time for her. If she is feeling loved, then she wont mind you being gone on occasional climbing trips.

I train at the gym 2-3 times a week and manage a decent amount of weekend trips and 1 or two longer trips, but less trips now that we have a kid.

Step 1 in making sure she is loved is to find out how she feels loved. Everyone shows and receives loves in different ways. I recommend The 5 love languages for your reading pleasure. warning: there is a very religious overtone to the book but I think the advice is solid even if you ignore that.

So, if you are showing your wife she is loved, climbing will not be an issue. My wife really likes notes ('words of affirmation' from the book) so if I leave her lots of little notes around the house while I'm gone it helps. One of my buddies is also married and his wife likes gifts. so he does a bunch of small gift cards for coffee, etc... and that keeps his wife happy. Doesnt have to be expensive, just a thoughtful token.

finally, My friends are always going on trips that I dont even bother asking to go on because I try to consciously maintain a balance. The selfish side of me wants to go on every trip but I know that it will become an issue if I do.

Sorry to hear, but don't lose hope. I'm 49, my stbxw has left our marriage for the second time, I'm still healing, but I have a lot of hope for my future. You should as well.

She cheated one you, and that is a big reason to let her go. That violates a trust that you may never have been able to restore.

Right now you're wallowing in your pain, and I get that. You need to do the following: exercise, take up a new hobby, read self-help books, spend time creating new memories, take time to heal, learn your lessons from your failed marriage and don't repeat them, and most importantly, be patient with yourself.

I recommend you read these books:

1. http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452259555&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy
   
   
2. http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452259588&sr=1-1&keywords=5+love+languages
   
   
3. http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful/dp/1451639619/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452259607&sr=1-1&keywords=7+habits
   
   The Robert Glover book is like a kick in the pants, or at least it was for me. Regarding my own situation, I'm deeply saddened by my ex wanting to leave again. I was very much in love with her, but she was not in love with me. She wanted to explore "feelings" she had for another woman, and I wasn't the guy she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That really hurt, and it sill does, but well... let's just say that while I own my mistakes, my ex's romanticizing of life and need to sustained highs to make her feel happy was impossible to meet. I wish her well, but I have my own life to lead now.
   
   You do too. It will take time, but you'll get to the other side of hell. Follow the advice I and others give you, and see what works for you. Remember rough moments are just that... moments to get through. Life will get better and you'll see light in the darkness again. Stay the course.
   
   

part 2/2

Relationships:

• You deserve to be in stable, happy, fulfilling relationships with your family, friends, partners, and coworkers. A large part of this is tied into self-esteem & what you think you deserve & what you're willing to accept, so a big part of it is figuring out where your line in the sand is. Everyone is free to do whatever they want, but there's a big difference between tolerating situations, getting by, and being content, versus actually being truly happy & having great, fulfilling relationships.
  
• It's important to realize that relationships aren't 50/50, they're 100%/100%. They are a tremendous amount of work, whether it's a romantic relationship with a partner or a familial relationship with a sibling or parent or a relationship with friends, and the road is often rocky, which is why you have to give a lot & deal with a lot during the course of all relationships. A lot of relationships die not because they're not good, but simply because of a lack of effort on both ends.
  
• A really good book is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The basic idea is that there are only a handful of ways people typically feel loved, and identifying your primary method of input can help you figure out what you want from a relationship, and also figure out how to make your partner feel loved. The five "languages" are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Do you remember the girl in high school who always needed flowers or chocolates or teddy bears to feel like she was in a loving relationship? That's not shallow, that's just her love language.
  
• If you don't know what does it for you & then if you're not getting what you like in your relationship, then you're not going to feel very fulfilled on a regular basis, and likewise, neither is your partner. So it's not just about drawing a line in the sand about what is & isn't acceptable in a relationship, but also about what you want to have in your life & what you need to give to others to help them feel loved.
  
• I really like the love-language concept because instead of just "I need to try harder in my relationships", it gives you a clear path forward, i.e. figure out what you want & figure out what those in your lives want & how best to give it to them on a regular basis. Like, my wife really likes the "time spent" one, so anytime I do something like plan a date, she loves it because that's simply how she feels loved, so my effort on that is a way to express my love for her in a way that actually makes her feel loved, rather than what I think will make her feel loved in my mind, but doesn't actually do it in reality, haha!
  
  Finances:
  
  
• The first thing to do is to pick a number, i.e. figure out how much you want to make every year, based on the cost-of-living in your area & the lifestyle you want to lead. You can literally pick this out thanks to sites like Indeed & Glassdoor, which provide realistic pricing tiers for intro, well-versed, and guru-level experience in different job categories. So the payscales aren't really a question mark anymore...you can literally figure out how much you want to make, research jobs that pay what you want & also match your interests, get training for them, and get to work!
  
• The second thing to do is to work out a personal financial system that manages your money for you. You will only accomplish what you set out to achieve & then work on persistently. You already have a solid principle saved up, but managing finances on a day to day basis successful always benefits from having a well-defined set of personal rules for handling things, which includes figuring out how much you want to make at your job & then getting educated in that field & pursuing jobs persistently until you get what you want, as well as having a solid financial system in place for how you deal with each aspect of your financial life - fixed expenses, variable expenses, debt management, retirement savings, living below your means, and so on.
  
• The first book I'd recommend is "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker, which is a little cheesy, but contains the critical component of changing your mindset about how you think, interface, and deal with money, which is the first place that people get goofed up - having a system comes later; learning how to mentally approach finances is a really huge first step that a lot of financial books miss, because they don't address the psychology behind why we do what we do & how we think.
  
• The second book I'd recommend is "The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy Paperback" by Thomas J. Stanley & William D. Danko. This is a data-driven book, so it's not the most exciting read, but it illustrates a lot of actual, factual information & statistics about wealth management. I'd also recommend reading up on FIRE. Again, you only accomplish the things that you work on, so the more good stuff you can invite into your life through research, selection, and effort, the better your long-term results can be!
  
  Habits:
  
  
• "Atomic Habits" by James Clear is a really fantastic book about how habits operate. I'd highly recommend picking up the audiobook & listening to his story about how he got injured & used tiny habit changes to make huge impacts on his life. Lots of really fantastic concepts in this book!
  
• Just to throw an idea out, consider adopting a "personal productivity system" or "PPS", which is simply a set of methods for how to force yourself to do stuff you want to & have to do. Everyone has a PPS, and sometimes they're not so useful because you're stuck with no clear path forward in your life. Having a strong PPS enables you to solve problems & work on things effectively & efficiently. One of the tools I use in my own PPS is the "3P Approach" mentioned earlier, where I break things down into the premise, parts, and procedures required to accomplish what I have to or want to do, rather than just walking around confused with no idea how to really proceed & no idea what I really want, exactly.
  
  Anyway, don't get overwhelmed by all of this - this isn't all stuff you have to do overnight, instantly, in one big shot. It's like high school - you went there for years, chipped away on things, and eventually grew up & moved on. Improving your life isn't just reading a motivational poster or feeling happy for a day, it's a lifestyle change, and it's going to take some time.
  
  Just don't be afraid of the big amount of work that it looks like on the surface, because remember, we can only ever really do one thing at a time, so all of the stuff listed above was, for me, the result of decades worth of working on self-improvement to get better results & be happier in my life, because those were really big struggles for me for a long time! The good news is that it gets better, and your results are directly correlated to your decisions & your efforts, so simply by deciding that you want better & then chipping away on it, you'll start to do better & feel better over time!

> they've expressed that they don't feel loved.

You may find this book useful. Everyone gives and receives love in different ways and it's possible that you both define it differently.

Have you read 7 Principles for Making Marriages Work? It's a scientific relationship book where they talk about healthy vs harmful ways that people argue; a lot of the time people don't even realize that they way they word something can really hurt their relationship. If your husband is dredging up previous fights in a way that really hurts you, maybe he should read it and see if he could try not to bring up painful topics in such a blunt way.

Another good one for focusing on the positive aspects of a relationship is the 5 love languages.

Right now both of you want to be heard and neither of you are listening. You're both tired, overwhelmed, and keeping score. You both have to let go and stop trying to control each other. Sit down and discuss expectations and roles.

Your fiancé seems to see that you need a break, and you do, so when he says, "get a job to get out of the house, give yourself a break" you are hearing something critical and he isn't criticizing you in his mind, he is trying to be supportive.

Stop trying to be right, he needs to stop trying to be right. You have to let go of the little things, refocus your attention on the positive attributes in each other because as long as you are focusing on the negative, that's all you'll be able to see. You don't feel appreciated, and I'm guessing neither does he. You aren't speaking the same language. Check out this book, The 5 Love Languages. If you aren't religious, which I'm not, just ignore the dogma like I did. I am guessing you two don't speak the same love language.

> She (OW) wasn't and isn't a she-devil.
---
> And I can see the evil she has towards me in her heart.

I think you need to decide (internally) whether you're going to demonize the OW or not. Honestly, though, you're clearly in a lot of pain. Focusing on the OW in any way is not going to help. Trying to empathize with the OW is not going to help, unless claiming that you understand her pain is going to make you feel better. Go no-contact and focus on yourself.

You can work to heal yourself, you can work with your husband to heal your relationship if that's desired on all sides; but you can't control the OW, you can't control your husband or force him to change. You both have to want to have a healthy relationship, and you both have to do your own work for it.

As a random aside, check out The Languages of Love. I'm going to guess you and your husband speak very different love languages. Your husband may reject trying to delve into something like that, but it may help you personally to help with how you move forward. Then head over to /r/survivinginfidelity, because frankly /r/adultery is not the place for you.

If you're afraid of this, there is one thing you can do to minimize this from ever happening out of surprise: work really hard to have open, effective communication in your relationship.

MOST problems fester only because there is a lack of genuine dialogue about it. Communication and respect are the core pillars of any functioning relationship, and when we neglect to voice our feelings (positive OR negative), existing problems won't get solved and new ones will be created in that silent void. It creates rifts in the relationship that eventually seem like impossible divides.

Relationships take a huge amount of dedication and work. Work to understand the emotional needs of your partner and visa verse. The more each of you understands the primary emotional need that each person has to feel "loved", the better equipped you are to recognize developing issues and have an objective, productive dialogue about it. I, for example, need quality time with my s/o. That includes time when we're just focused on each other (aka not watching TV together), as well as creating experiences together (such as a trip into the wilderness, or skydiving - things that matter to you that you want to share). If I don't get that, I feel unwanted. If I don't communicate this, however, there is no way for my partner to know I may be feeling neglected.

Good communication means any major changes in your relationship will be of little to no surprise. Sometimes relationships simply don't last. Dynamics can change, people change, and that's okay. What isn't okay is when a couple shuts down any meaningful communication.

I read a really interesting book a while back that was recommended to me by a friend. It's a bit preachy in some parts, but there is a lot of perspective that clicked with a big "Oooooh," for me, and really changed how I approached my relationship. I've never been one for those self-help type books, but I was really surprised by how enlightening the first 5 or 6 chapters of this book were. You don't necessarily have to read the whole book, but it's a pretty fast read and it is definitely worth the time. Might even be available for free somewhere.

Well, if there is a book I could recommend, actually a couple...well..lemme back up.

I read two books recently that I wish I had read way before we started spiraling down hill... I'm currently going through a divorce. One is called "Born To Win" I believe the author is James Muriel ( here is a link:
http://www.amazon.com/Born-Win-Transactional-Analysis-Experiments/dp/0451165217 "

The other one I am currently reading is the 5 languages of love. ( http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1410012176&sr=1-1&keywords=5+languages+of+love )

Fuck if I didn't wish I read these before we got married, there's so much good information and insight on how to love someone and interpret the language of love they convey and speak. We don't always know.

I hope the best for you. Order two copies of both books if you can. Give him a copy and tell him you feel the relationship is in trouble.

Try and repair before you both are in despair.

Best of luck to you.

The 5 Love Languages, The Secret to Love that Lasts

This book saved my marriage. We loved each other, but sometimes struggled to communicate it correctly. After reading this, we have become aware of how the other needed to hear that we love each other. It changed our relationship from one of yearning and heartbreak and wondering if the other truly loved, to one of constant affirmation and peace.

It depends both on the guy and on the girl. There is a pretty well known book called The Five Love Languages that talks about how different people express affection in different ways, and how different people prefer their partner to show affection. Their 5 main categories are :

• Words of Affirmation - unsolicited complements, "I Love You", etc.
  
  
• Quality Time - obviously, spending time with eachother
  
  
• Giving/Receiving Gifts
  
  
• Acts of Service - doing nice things for the other person
  
  
• Physical Touch - not just bedroom stuff, but hugs, caresses, kisses, etc.
  
  Depending on the guy, they might be most comfortable showing their affection in one of these ways. However, if you know that your partner really values a different way, then go out of your way to try to do that for them.

Read The 5 Love Languages. It will open your eyes to what makes different people feel loved. Your relationship will never be the same.

I highly recommend “And Baby Makes Three”.... it addresses a lot of the stuff that happens in that first year after baby, and really helped me figure out how I could better voice my concerns and things that make me angry without things turning into an all out fight. It turned out I was able to control my SO’s reaction when I was upset or annoyed based on how I communicated my concerns. In fact, I lost my copy and just reordered a few weeks ago for a quick refresher. HIGHLY recommend.

Link: https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X

I have this book on my Amazon wishlist for when we actually manage to get pregnant. I know some couples who are kind of like you describe, but I (perhaps naively) believe that my husband and I have some psychological tools that other folks don't have so I hope we'll come out OK. We'll see.

Honestly, you could probably take another year or two to actively process this and come up with some strategies as a couple (though I think planning for something only gets you so far -- gotta be in it to really figure out how you'll react and course-correct if necessary). 30's still young and so is 40. I'm 35 and if we get pregnant soon my husband will be 49 when we have our first.

Did you recently have a baby? If so, you might be interested in this book: And Baby Makes Three. It's focus is on preserving your marriage before and after the shit hits the fan when baby comes along (and how do baby launch their poo so far in the first place?!).

A good friend of ours recommended this when we were pregnant with our first. The principles Gottman and his wife lay down in that book have been essential to keeping our marriage intact at times.

There's also, more generally speaking, Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I haven't read this one yet, but it's apparently a more in-depth and general treatment of the principles that have helped us from the And Baby Makes Three book.

You might consider picking up one of those and either reading it on your own and working to apply it yourself or, ideally, working through it with your spouse and see if putting their suggestions into practice can help. It's cheaper than professional counseling, at least, though I don't want to discourage you from going that route if you feel you need it.

Regardless, I'll remember you in my prayers!

I’m also a bit confused why you’re getting so beat up by everyone on this particular sub. Other subs, sure....

There’s a great book that you should read. If your husband does come back, at least be educated on how to go about getting his forgiveness as a starting point.


https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Good luck to you xx

Counseling is great (if you find a counselor you like), another idea to complement it:

Read a few books together on the topic:

- The Second Shift

It is structured around parents who both work outside the home -- but you also have a second (and third) shift working in the home, and it might help shift his perspective and spur discussion.

All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior

Baby Makes Three

Disclaimer, the only one I've started reading yet out of the three is The Second Shift. I'm really just sharing my plan with you :P

​

Another thing that has helped in my relationship is making specific, concrete requests, and putting them on a schedule.

So, for you it could be:

- I will need a nap multiple times a week due to first trimester exhaustion. Can you either watch the kid or arrange childcare when I need this rest?

- He should bring you a treat once a week as a token of the stuff you're giving up (flowers, special dessert, organic rasperries, foot rub, give him a list of things that would float your boat).

Not exactly a parenting book per se but it does deal with the transition to parenthood and parenting:

https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X

You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.

Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:

• be mindful of her feelings
  
• be completely honest with her
  
• practice safe sex and not give her an STD or impregnate someone else
  
• not develop feelings for someone else and leave her
  
  You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.
  
  You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.
  
  There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.
  
  And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?
  
  Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.
  
  Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.
  
  In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.
  
  However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:
  
  

1. Come clean to your girlfriend.
   
2. Admit that you made a mistake and handled things immaturely, and sincerely apologize.
   
3. Work on your communication with each other.
   
4. Discuss boundaries and expectations.
   
5. Educate yourselves. There are a lot of good resources about open relationships; they can help you develop realistic boundaries and expectations, better communication, and a better mindset and understanding of how to make this work.
   
   Recommended reading:
   
   The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (book)
   
   Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)
   
   morethantwo.com (website)
   
   (Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).

Bleah. TES is a craptastic book that's mainly about how to have sex with as many people as you want, with little of the deeper, more emotionally-centered content and trouble-shooting in more recent and frankly better books.

I'd recommend Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. It has a lot of the troubleshooting it sounds like the OP needs, and is a lot more sensitive to the fact that not everyone is perfectly comfy with poly. TES is more about WHEE LET'S HAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE oh and don't piss off your primary while you're at it.

Depending on where you are in the country, or outside it :) There might be a bunch of poly happy hours/brunches etc. In my city we have several different poly groups that hosts happy hours and get togethers every week. I also host a polycurious book club that meet every month to discuss books and act as a support group.

Try looking online maybe if you can find anything, or if you know anyone that is poly maybe they know of some resources. If you are in the bay area, or NYC, hit me up :)

Also I definitely recommend reading some books if you guys haven't already.
A good place to start is Opening Up

Does your boyfriend do any kind of therapy? CBT? Perhaps he genuinely tries to change, but nobody told him how to do it besides meds.

He can do yoga and meditation. And he can learn to plan his goals in a way that works around, or even embraces his limitations.

There are also some good books on learning how to be a successful adult on adhd on Amazon.


If he's unwilling to go for therapy / work on himself, I'd say give up.

As for promiscuity - I'd say this is unchangeable. You may talk him into not doing it in front of you, but, for example in my case - I tried monogamy so hard, and just couldn't.... There's a good book on open relationships though - https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X - there are many variants of this, perhaps you guys can figure sth out.
If not, it may end up in having to choose you being frustrated with polyamory, or him with monogamy. Neither one is any good.

Taormino's "Opening Up" (http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/) has a ton of these questions, formatting them to the point where it feels like a fill-in-the-blanks worksheet assignment. Very thorough!

If you are looking for reading material, I own and have read this book and thought it was fantastic. Opening Up, by Tristin Taormino.

Hey nowweareopen,

First of all, I'd just like to say that some of the posts here have been unnecessarily negative. This subreddit is supposed to be accepting and I feel like people have written you off too quickly because of your age. I'm 21 (M) and in an open relationship with a wonderful 23 year old (F). We've been open for the past two years, and it's been immensely satisfying for ourselves and our lovers.

Yes, being in an open relationship is hard but so is being in any relationship. oo_nrb has a ton of great advice, so I'm going to try not to duplicate too much of that.

In general, it seems like you're going into this from a stable position and an open mind. I'd highly recommend that you both read Tristan Taramino's wonderful book Opening Up before you jump in head first. The book will teach you that everyone define's their open relationship differently, and that the most important part of non-monogamy is defining your rules and sticking to them. Open relationships demand a higher level of trust and a greater commitment to communication, because there is a lot more at stake.

> What are some common pitfalls people tend to fall into/how can we avoid them?

• Not defining the rules early (Do you want to hear about everything? Before? After).
  
• One partner finding tons of lovers and the other not (Help each other out and talk about how you're doing frequently)
  
• Not slowing down or stopping quickly enough if the other partner is starting to feel neglected.
  
• One partner getting into the open relationship because it feels like their only option. (Make sure you both want this and you're not just settling for it).
  
• Safety (Condoms, STD tests, and safer sex practices are a must)
  
• Confusing infatuation over a new partner for love. (Realize that new relationship energy will always feel amazing, but it's not the same as what you guys have. Always respect the primacy of your relationship).
  
• Breaking the rules. Just because it's open, doesn't mean you can't cheat. Cheating is bad.
  
  > How do we find people who are interested purely in sex and are comfortable having sex with someone in an open relationship? I'm wary of Craigslist and online sites.
  
  The same ways your find them normally: bars, parties, friends, and sites like OKCupid. The thing to realize is that very few people are interested in "just sex". There's nothing wrong with being friendly or affectionate with the other people you're banging, as long as you respect the primacy of your boyfriend. You guys might want to start out with rules about how much emotion, connection is allowed if it makes your uncomfortable, but realize that you are restricting the number of partners that would be interested in you.
  
  > How do we broach the subject of sex in person to people he and I find?
  
  Flirt. Be touchy and make sure to be honest with your other partners that you have significant others, but that you're open. Explain your rules, your boundaries, and if you're comfortable with it, let them talk to your partner for confirmation.
  
  Good luck. If you have any other questions, let me know.

Sorry, I forget to add the extra return lines sometimes. Opening Up on Amazon


The Ethical Slut on Amazon

I am a bi lady, in a long term same-sex relationship, and have been navigating missing male intimacy with my VERY lesbian/gender queer partner. I totally understand the juxtaposition of a happy relationship mixed with other sexual intimacy struggles, partner jealousy and all that. We've been discussing an open/poly relationship for over a year now and this book Opening Up has helped guide our discussions immensely. Unfortunately, we haven't actually opened the relationship yet, but that is due to other life challenges.

Also, if you're looking for Bi or LGBT resources in your area, Meetup is a always good option, but depending on your area there may not be any groups. Most semi-large communities will have some sort of LGBT resource, you can always try googling 'City Name' LGBT center, etc. Many LGBT agencies have discussion groups, group 'therapy' and/or other social groups organized for LGBT folk.

I think I've heard of this one being Mormon friendly but still useful. I've never read it myself, but it might be worth looking into.

I am going to cut in here. I want you to know you are not alone, I am the same way. While it is true I am between relationships right now I identify as what is known as a Nurturing Master. I am strictly monogamous because I want to ensure that if my partner needs me I am always available and not distracted by the needs of another.

I have recently gotten a new book that is about this I am going to start reading today. It is called The Loving Dominant by John Warren. It was recommended to me by someone on this very sureddit. You may be interested in it to.

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727

Oh no offense taken!

As I said, and I'd like to be clear about this, Wiseman does have a lot of great information to pass on to the 'scene. And I have, in fact, not only met the man but talked to him on more than one occasion and read just about everything that he's ever written.

So I don't tell people NOT to read him, I just don't like how he portrays much of the BDSM world. If you see the world differently than him you are just flat out wrong and shouldn't be involved in the BDSM scene. shrugs I'm not the first to make this accusation against him merely attempting to clarify the point.

So, as I stated Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns is typically the first book I suggest. It covers many different topics but none too in depth. This gives an honest and open view on the many different shades of what the BDSM world can contain.


There's also The Loving Dominant as a good read. It focuses on communication and the emotional bonds that are inherent to the scene as well as gives some practical advice in regards to scene structure and daily life of a TPE.

Both the Bottoming and the Topping book are worth reading if for no other reason than to see another perspective.

There's The Control Book which goes a bit deeper into the mentality of each side of the dynamic with a focus on the dom (obviously).

Those are pretty much my go to resources for someone that's new. Beyond that there are all kinds of different books and articles out there but I've always found that with these as a base of information the next step should always be discussion with others. This thing we do is so personalized that I do not think that any one person or author will have THE ANSWER. It might well be the answer for THEM, but rarely will it be the answer for all. So talking to others about the theory of BDSM or the culture of the lifestyle will typically help expand what one knows about it as a whole so they can make up their own minds.

Labels are odious - even though I've used such in my flare. Labels put people in pigeonholes. There's no such thing as a kinkster, there's no such thing as polyamorist, or a monogamist. There's only people and they're all different, and they change over time.

It comes down to you two; whether lack of kink is going to be a deal-breaker for the rest of your potentially-married life. Whether you having a Dom to play with outside the marriage would be a deal-breaker for him. So you need to communicate. Don't start that communication until you've really decided on your own deal-breakers, because you'll be wasting your time if you don't know what you really want. But if you wouldn't be happy for the rest of your life without kink (and in what might then be a sexless marriage), then certainly don't go ahead in the current circumstances without resolving this one way or another.

Talk to each other. Tell him what you've told us. It's human nature to be short-term, to not resolve long-term issues, to bottle things up to try to avoid arguments. But this will fester otherwise.

If you tell him, prove to him, that you love him, then maybe, just maybe, he might accept you finding a Dom to play with. But not many non-scene partners would be so understanding. It might be you have to split up. But you need to have that conversation.

There is also a third option, which you didn't mention, that is the win-win option - so I recommend it the most strongly. It might be that if you went to classes, or found a mentor for him, that he could come to realise that Domination is entirely possible for 'nice guys'. In fact there's a book written with almost that exact title (will someone here who can remember the exact book please add a link below?).

If he learnt how much this turns you on, and found it in himself, he might well come to enjoy Domination after seeing how much happier you become (and how much better his sex life becomes.) Try to get him to find a mentor. Get him books like 50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People. Get him books from this list: http://soj.org/bdsm-educational-book-list including The Loving Dominant.
Read articles like this one.

Take a look at this book from Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727/ - and be sure to check out the books in the "Frequently Bought Together?" portion. It's less than $50.00 total and I am sure they will all help both of you down this beautiful path. SM 101 and Screw the Roses are pretty much required reading. =)

Thank you! No, I don't.
I'm learning by describing my experience like everyone else here.

This helped me tremendously:

http://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH/videos

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism-ebook/dp/B0030MQJMS/

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/

I can sympathize with this mindset. I'd highly recommend picking up [No More Mr. Nice Guy] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1). [This post] (https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/2mwfgz/text_no_more_mr_nice_guy_detailed_notes_on_how_to/) is a fairly good summary to give you an idea. I'm still working through the book myself; classes just wrapped up so I can finally really tackle my reading list.

>anything is better than being alone though

I disagree. If you're hanging around genuinely shitty people, I think you'd be better off alone for a while. In that regard, you could work on self-improvement and get yourself to the point where you are what you provide to people (good people) and you don't have to give them any goods or services in order to be liked in return. Does that make sense? I'm not trying to sound like an asshole but I used to be exactly where you are and that last line resonated. PM me if you want to chat about things

You should pick up a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's got a lousy title - it's not about becoming a jerk. It's really about ceasing to be that "nice guy" always putting your needs last to prove that you aren't one of those evil men.

>Her last LTR was very controlling, so she always tries to gauge whether I'll try to control her

That is a lie told to men who see disrespectful behavior and instead of bailing, they try to make her stop. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. This was not a shit test. Shit test is also known as compliance/fitness test from book Married Man Sex Life Primer. This was blatant disrespect and if you're not married you should demote her to a plate, ie start dating other women. If you live together, start looking for a place.

You think this is overreaction on my part? You need to look at what she does, NOT what she says.

1. She prefers to read romance books than to have sex with you. They usually have an asshole that the protagonist falls for.
   
   
2. She has for a while not fucked you so that you spend time online trying to find a way to fix it.
   
   
3. She is openly flirting/texting with other man while spending time with you...and blatantly tells you that she is planning on spending time with that man on a work trip that they will be taking next week. That by the way is called Please Break Up with Me!
   
   You are obviously new and did not read the books listed in Married Red Pill sidebar. I know you hate reading books, you were whining about it in your post history. At least read The Best of Rational Male - Year One. No more mr nice guy is also very short. You could read that in less than a day and that's a real eye opener.
   
   I agree with some newbies who are whining here about others calling them faggots, etc. It wasn't like that back in the day and it makes it harder for men to actually get the message but mods condone it so it goes. The sidebar though is not calling you a fag and it was created with the idea of helping men. It certainly has helped me in my marriage as it has helped many others. If you're going to ignore the many useful replies, at least do not ignore the sidebar.

Copied and reposted from my comment further up the thread:

Let's cut through the vague descriptions from internet strangers and link you to the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539103996&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr.+nice+guy

TLDR: It's not your fault that you have "nice guy syndrome," but being a "nice guy" isn't actually "nice" for you or the people you're around. Once you deal with it, you'll be happier with yourself, you'll interact with others in a more authentic way (which they'll appreciate) and you'll be more attractive.