Best motivational books according to redditors
We found 4,883 Reddit comments discussing the best motivational books. We ranked the 1,034 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
1. Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking
The Easyway to Stop Smoking
2. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition
3. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing
The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing
4. Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity
5. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
6. The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph
The Obstacle Is the Way The Timeless Art of Turning Trials Into Triumph
7. The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
The Charisma Myth How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
8. The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey to Optimal Performance
9. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
10. Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity
Getting Things Done The Art of Stress Free Productivity
11. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
12. The Secret
The Secret contains wisdom from modern-day teachers
13. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy
14. Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
15. The Movement: How I Got This Body By Never Going To The Gym In My Life.
Brand New in box. The product ships with all relevant accessories
17. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
Well this seems like a good opportunity to post a few of the lessons I learned in my 20s.
To my former self:
If you're depressed, here's how to turn it around
Fap less, and never to porn
To answer some requests, here's my list of resources.
This audiobook has the best summary I've found of how wealth works
How Procrastination works:
How Business works
What innovation actually is and how to do it:
How economics works:
How to get things done:
Task Management tool:
How to be a man:
Audiobooks (most of these can be found on audiobook):
Frame Control (Anytime you feel like you're trying too hard or begging for something, you lost the frame)
This is my favourite book of all. They talk about the new type of conscousness which is really really interesting to me. May not apply to all people.
If anyone find this book interesting I'd love to talk about it:
How the world works:
I see that you are a young man with an inquiring mind! I go into the five aspects of chaos in my book available for order here, as well as the 17 reasons why only tryhards choose Tau.
If you have problems throwing something away you don't need anymore, read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I can't recommend this book enough.
I spent most of my high school years playing video games, jacking off, and reading. None of my time ever went towards anything productive and as a result, I became severely depressed to the point where suicide was my only option. I hit 20, and things didn't seem to get any better. I tried going to the gym, and would kill it for about two-three weeks only to get hit with a wave of depression and sink back to old habits. At some point, my girlfriend decided to break up with me. She couldn't grow with me and I was holding her back because of my negativity and lack of discipline. Every day I would wake up, barely eat, not do anything but play video games or smoke weed and after two years she was sick of it.
Eventually I found this book and picked up some small habits explained such as:
Wake up (no alarm)
Drink water (A LOT, it wakes you right up)
Play music (upbeat pump up jams)
Stretch (GET THAT BLOOD PUMPIN)
Pullups/Pushups (bought this pull up bar)
Clean room in between pullup sets
MORNING SHAKE (recipe bellow)
Morning walk/listen to ebook (so many great apps with free books about motivation/success)
get home, meditate
breakfast (usually oatmeal with almonds, fiber one bar, soy milk, and two bananas)
Then I do whatever is on my todo list...usually this starts around 930.
and work on these every day as much as possible.
It's been about 2 months of steady discipline and things have been great. Almost at 700 subscribers on youtube (cooking channel), have released 5 mixes on soundcloud. My drawing skill has greatly improved. Gained about 8 pounds (recovering from anorexia) Sleep at least 8 hours every day now and have listened to many great ebooks.
My advice is: start with small goals such as increasing water intake or eating more clean. The small steps will always get you closer to your goals as long as you don't stop
heres a tip: download "audible" for a smartphone and sign up using an amazon account. You get a free trial where you can download 2 audiobooks. Use that to listen to Gorilla Mindset every night as you try to sleep. Pair that with the sleep aid, and you're on your way to a better sleep
SLEEP AID INFO (copied from other comment)
The sleep aid itself isn't a magical sleep pill. In fact, it has these ingredients: Melatonin, Gaba, L-Tryptophan, and Vitamin B-6
I started by taking 2 of the sleep aid pills which is 4mg of melatonin but that barely helped. It wasn't until I stumbled upon this thread suggesting I lower my dose and surely enough after I switched to 2mg I felt a great change. An hour after I take the sleep aid I'm sleepy and drowsy. Of course, you can stay up on it and it wont knock you out, but if you're genuinely trying to sleep it will make a huge difference. I recommend playing a positive audiobook outloud (GORILLA MINDSET) while you sleep and I promise you'll pass out either from boredom, or tiredness. Plus you get a book read to you? HELL YEA
Here are some exercises from The Charisma Myth, one of the best non-seduction books on seduction I have ever read:
Set a timer for one minute. Close your eyes and try to focus on ONE of the following three things: the sounds around you, your breathing, or the sensations in your toes.
Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and close your eyes. Take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing clean air toward the top of your head. As you exhale, let that air woosh through you, washing away all worries and concerns.
Pick an entity - God, fate, the Universe, whatever may best suit your beliefs - that you could imagine as benevolent.
Imagine lifting the weight of everything you're concerned about - this meeting, this interaction, this day - off your shoulders and placing it on the shoulders of whichever entity you've chosen. They're in charge now.
Visually lift everything off your shoulders and feel the difference as you are now no longer responsible for the outcome of any of these things. Everything is taken care of. You can sit back, relax and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.
The next time you feel yourself considering alternative outcomes to a situation, pay close attention. If your brain is going around in circles, obsessing about possible outcomes, try a responsibility transfer to alleviate some of the anxiety.
The next time an uncomfortable emotion is bothering you, try this step-by-step guide to destigmatizing:
Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.
Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.
Think of others who've gone through this before, especially people you admire.
See it as one burden shared by many. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this one feeling at this very moment.
Use the techniques below anytime you'd like to lessen the effects of persistent negative thoughts. As you try each technique, pay attention to which ones work best for you and keep practicing them until they become instinctive. You may also discover some of your own that work just as well.
Let's imagine that traffic is making you late for an important meeting and your anxiety level is on the rise. Ask yourself: What if this delay is a good thing? Repeat the question a few times, and watch how creative your mind can get with its answers.
When you're dealing with a more serious situation, sit down and write out a new reality on a piece of paper. Writing accesses different parts of our brain and affects our beliefs in ways that other modes of expression do not. The act of committing things to writing has been shown to be critical both in changing a person's mind and in making imagined stories feel more real. Write in the present tense: "The speech is going well..." Or, even better, in the past tense: "The speech was a complete triumph..."
That's most of the exercises through Chapter 4. There are tons more, and the book is excellent, so I would recommend you pick it up.
I also remember an exercise from Models (at least I think it was Models...) where you make a list of all the traits you are looking for in a partner, no matter how shallow. Wait a few hours or a day and go back through the list circling the ones that are most important to you. You can make a new list and narrow it down, or keep narrowing down the existing list as often as you'd like. The idea is that when you're done you have a pretty solid list of the things that are really actually important to you in finding a partner.
Here are some sayings I like because they are lessons I learned the hard way: "What you allow will continue." "You teach people how to treat you." "If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will either."
My dear you also need to work on your shiny spine. This book about assertiveness training will help immensely with that. :)
So you're saying The Movement does work after all?
Only 10.43 on Amazon
Edit: This 1 star review
Ooh raises hand I can answer this one! Good on you for recognizing there's a difference!
I asked here a few days ago about assertiveness training. Didn't get many replies but I searched for books to order and I've found two that have blown me away! Seriously! I'm already changing my behavior for the better. The books are: "The Assertiveness Workbook" by Dr. Randy Paterson and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Both cheap and easy to find on ebay.
I'm still waiting for the 2nd book but I've only had The Assertiveness Workbook a few days and already Im applying what I've learned. EXAMPLE: (I'm a nurse) Just last night at work a doctor started yelling at me on the phone for something completely out of my control. Instead of feeling flustered like I normally do I was able to calmly assert myself and get the patient what they needed. It was awesome!
For some immediate techniques to practice search Google and YouTube on: how to be assertive, fogging, negative assertion, negative inquiry, broken record. And read the reviews for those 2 books. Many reviewers explain techniques in the book.
Good luck! I'm learning assertiveness is not a case of "the have's" and "the have not's" It can be learned.
edit: added hyperlinks
Articles from reputable sources are a decent source of knowledge, but some quality business books will get you an infinitely better understanding of concepts. Here is my personal business book list if you want to get a "universal generalist" understanding of business:
I am graduating with a Bachelor of Commerce Honors degree in May and I can easily say that one of these books (average price ~25$) has significantly more content than most individual classes I have taken (~600$). However, keep in mind that business knowledge and business acumen are two entirely different things. Knowledge is easily obtainable through books like these, and acumen is the result of applied experience with decision making. In short, it is one thing to be book smart, but it is another to get out there and actually apply it. No one can give you that in the form of an article or book - you have to do that yourself.
edit: added links to amazon
As you guys know I'm in prep and I've been doing my due diligence watching shows online to get a better understanding of what I need to do to win.
Something that absolutely stuck out to me when watching guys line up is that: confidence is everything. You don't necessarily have to have the best physique, to look the best up there. Anybody who has watched, or participated in shows will attest to this.
It's not who has the best physique, it's who can show off theirs the best in the brief time of being judged.
You hear it over and over again, and sure it may be cliche, but there's a reason for it.
There is a reason why woman are drawn to confidence.
Now, here is what I want to focus on with you all here: Let go of your preconceived notions of who you were.
As men, we are constantly growing and bettering ourselves and if you're not...you have some self evaluation to do.
Every little kid growing up fat still struggles with their "inner fat self".
Maybe a girl said you have too big a nose.
Maybe a girl said you're too short.
Got a small dick? Learn to be a master with your tongue and fingers.
The point is, your mind is the most powerful tool you have.
You guys have seen me, you know I probably can do well with women - nothing changed for me though until I changed the way I saw myself, mentally.
Once I started to believe in myself and (in retrospect - accept that you only live once, you could die tomorrow, you are who you are - focus on your strengths and your weaknesses will be dwarfed! ) my posing, my attitude, and outlook all changed for the better.
Good friends here said to stop hiding my face and smile. I did. I got tons of messages from girls with heart eyes (just to get the point across - not a humble brag ). I felt self conscious of my smile because I was bullied growing up over it, I had wide cheeks so I looked like the chestshire cat when I smiled authentically.
Tren and Mast did wonders for my jaw line and now it's not so bad now, but that's a whole other conversation haha.
The Charisma Myth
This book changed my life for the better, I can't recommend it enough. Buy it, read it, apply it.
Enjoy your new lives, after all we only have one.
> This ability, according to the book, comes down to embodying three simple qualities: Presence, power, and warmth.
>Presence: Whether we’re worried about what others may think of us or just wondering what we want for dinner, we all spend a good chunk of the day wrapped up in our own thoughts. With everyone’s brain so easily distracted the simple act of being present with another person can have a huge impact. Here’s a quick example:
>Imagine you’re talking with two people. Person A is looking you in the eye, is engaged in what you’re saying, and genuinely wants to hear more. Person B has no expression, keeps glancing at his iPhone, and is clearly waiting for his turn to talk. Which person makes you feel more important? That’s the difference presence can make.
>Power: Charismatic people are comfortable with who they are, own their space, and are not afraid to influence the world around them. People are drawn to confidence and turned off by insecurity and self-doubt.
>Of course, if you go overboard on power you may end up coming across as an arrogant or cold. Which brings us to…
>Warmth: If you want to make someone feel important, show them you fully appreciate them for who they are. Embrace their imperfections. Look past the surface and see the good qualities they have inside.
>Too much warmth however, and you end up looking a little too eager-to-please. It’s important to find that balance between warmth and power.
diet, macros, example pic
> MIL and FIL share an email address, a cell phone, and even go to the bathroom together.
DH needs to read and re-read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
You and LO are more important than DH's mother. Sadly, he doesn't behave like it, even if he pays lip service.
His mother has done a number on him with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is a master gaslighter / manipulator. I'll guess that she's been doing it her entire adult life (and likely back into childhood); she's extremely competent - and that's sad.
Will it's not DH's fault, it's his adult responsibility - to himself, you and LO - to overcome the programming she's instilled in him. Reading, pondering and re-reading these two books, doing the exercises they contain and letting them illuminate his circumstances could be helpful.
This series which is the basis for an upcoming talk of mine at BSides Philly in December.
Fallacies and biases.
How to Win Friends/Influence people (TL:DR)
Blair's One sentence persuasion.
48 Laws of Power
Cialdini's Influence (haven't read new pre-suasion yet)
How to google effectively using search operators (adv - "dorking)".
Should get you going.
Its easy to say its obviously bullshit after the fact. But looking at the page, it is actually non-obvious for people outside the medical professions to know its bullshit.
Measurement of all these values might actually be possible with a device this size. That caloric intake can not be infered from all of this is not necessarily obvious. After all you can for example measure O2 concentration in the blood non-invasively only by shining light onto the skin. Its not that far of a stretch for not medically-trained persons to believe caloric measurement could also be possible.
Whenever something is shown to be bullshit, people are always fast to say that everyone who fell for it is/was an idiot. These people either forget or dont know yet how easy it is to be manipulated, and how often it happens to every single one of us every day. Thinking you are somehow immune to beeing fooled actually makes it easier for people to fool you, because you are not on guard.
Quitting is super hard, OP.
This might work for you.
I haven't read it, but I keep hearing from others about how well it works.
For me, I've been doing the hourly thing. I can have one cig every two hours. I'm about to move to three.
It is hell. Not going to lie, it is hell. Getting from two packs to one per day, that was hell. I still can't give it up. Yet.
Non-smokers don't get it.
I'll get there eventually. So will you. I don't want to; I love smoking, okay. But it has to go. We will die. You've got a kid now. Think about your child. You have responsibilities now. Do you want that child to grow up taking care of mommy?
Great idea! https://www.amazon.com/Gorilla-Mindset-Mike-Cernovich-ebook/dp/B0100Q4S7E/
One might say she needs a
Read this book, like yesterday:
Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity by David Allen
Edit: apparently that's the new edition, I haven't read it, I endorse the original edition: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0142000280/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_OMNDDbEZQEPXN
It's not magic (nothing is magic) but it started my journey toward being more productive.
former smoker here. I started at 15, quit at 33. Average of 1 pack a day in the meantime.
hang on tight, once you REALLY want it, it's really not that hard
How'd you react to "Dumb Starbucks"?
Edit: he's still pulling off this shit. Morning shows fell for "The Movement". And Jack Garbarino got better at lying..
Edit 2: hahahahah, I can't even.
I woke up to a FB message from someone telling me that this had been shared here, so I tracked it; I'm the OP for the FB post. I'm sorry I'm so long-winded, but I just kept typing; it was actually just supposed to be a reach-out to some friends who are getting into ItWorks! and Lipsense, to caution them not to get too deep. I don't do a lot of social media, so I'm not good at viral posting or anything like that, but I wanted to come and provide more information from my notes for those interested. I got to sit in front of two subject matter experts for three hours, and everything I wrote was a credit to their life's work to undo the damage of high-demand groups.
I'm a Navy vet and psychology doctoral candidate from WV, and I work in mental health. I attended a training earlier this month from two guys from Wellspring WV, which is a really great facility that focuses primarily on helping people recover from re-education, high-demand groups, and what we could traditionally call "cult" activity and "brainwashing" (These awesome gentlemen are named Jeff Bryson and Greg Sammons; they also reference Dr. Alexandra Stein, who was a reformed cult member and is now a prominent SME in the field). It was about three hours of talking about the general tactics that are applied by the leaders of these groups to expand control. The focal point of the training was actually Scientology, but I was immediately fascinated by the claims that coercive control extended to MLM groups. Specifically, they mentioned someone from ASU (for the life of me, I can't remember who, because things were moving fast, there were a lot of slides, and I forgot to write down his name) who actually teaches a seminar on how to apply these coercion tactics in a MLM; so, ASU's School of Business has a MLM-factory,maybe from this Michael Sheffield dude somewhere in its midst (but he covers his ass by stressing that people only use the information "ethically". Yeah. Right.) So for the past few weeks, I've been poring through whatever literature I can find. Here are some of the things that have been in my general reading list, not focused on MLM:
I'll make a response thread here with my lengthier notes.
Ah yeah, you’re in a tough part of the melee journey. Serious enough to be invested in results, not good enough to get a ton of positive feedback. Good enough to identify weaknesses, but you don’t quite yet have a framework to solve these problems. Good enough to have others put expectations on you / talk about your play style but not quite good enough to refute haters or have your point of view heard. You’ve been playing long enough that you can see how far you’ve come but you also start to realize just how far you really are from the top.
It’s easy to get discouraged from here, especially with what seems like a decently large skillgap between you and the next guy up and what seems to be a fairly toxic community wherever you are. At your skill level it seems like you can grind out tech skill and still see a million errors in your play. You can improve a bunch and not really see progress in how far you place in bracket. Even if you do really want to put in the effort to improve it doesn’t seem clear where exactly you should focus these efforts.
My advice is to start to really appreciate the journey every step of the way. Yes, this is a tough part of it, but learning to overcome this spot you’re at both skill wise and what you have to admit has become a bit of a mental barrier will provide tremendous benefit to you. Learn to focus your effort to be more productive, to see benefit in your training in ways other than counting how many times you SD in a match. Hard work pays off. Not always in the most obvious ways, but trust me when I say that if it feels like you aren’t benefiting from practice you need to either re-evaluate how you practice or re-evaluate how you measure progress. Enjoy the process of practice, finding things to work on, improving those things and repeating the process. Enjoy the journey of self improvement that this provides you.
I can tell you that you have nothing to worry about in terms of “learning the game backwards,” I’ve personally always been a proponent of focusing on tech skill first before neutral game but at the end of the day there is no roadmap to getting good and there is no easy way to reach the next step. The only universal truth is that you get out of it what you put into it.
And don’t worry about people calling you lame. “Playstyle” is something people obsess a lot that isn’t a very useful thing to think about when gauging your improvement. When I was quite a bit worse than I am I was called campy, reliant on lasers, I used to be called the backwards facing Falco cause I “only use Bair / Utilt.” People like to assume that your playstyle in a certain way because that’s how you intend for it to be but in reality these are all just steps on your way to having a more robust style. There are a LOT of things to learn about this game and if you’re getting pretty good at a certain style that they like to call lame then feel free to take pride that you’ve got understanding in one part of the game but remain humble in that you know there are many other parts of the game to learn. Not because they’re “less lame” but because you need to expand your knowledge base to improve. Next time you get called lame just say "that's ok I'm just trying to get better." Honestly style is overrated at low levels cause realistically nothing is cool at low levels, just get good then you can shut em up later.
Lastly I can’t overstate how helpful these two books are relating to this type of stuff. If you’re dedicated to sticking to it and seeing how far you can go / what you can get out of melee then I highly suggest you read both of them!
Good luck dude.
Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey
Art of Learning by Joshua Waitzkin
Yeah, sure thing. These were helpful for me. No doubt there are other, maybe even better resources out there.
This dude has a bunch of good stuff in social influence and persuasion, really great read for just generally becoming better at social interaction.
For me, it's a bit cheesey but after reading the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, I truly felt that my life was changed. In total, I have tidied up my place twice, the first time only my clothes and the 2nd time, doing my entire apartment. Each time, I've felt a perspective change after. The biggest thing beyond tidying your house was how that book forces to confront your past decisions and change the way you make new ones. I try to do things that "spark joy" for me and this goes beyond shopping or spending money. Speaking of shopping, after you tidy, you are much more careful about buying new things, how you're spending your money and what you're bringing home. Once I finished my tidying festival, as Marie calls it, I was able to shift my focus on to more important things like FIRE and doing thigns in my life that sparked joy.
And for anyone who just wants to know what the actual book is, it's Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking.
7 Habits of Highly Effective People is by far the best self improvement book I've ever read. With Models and How to Win Friends and Influence People second and third.
Waitzkin wrote an interesting book called The Art of Learning.
After he burned out to some extent on chess, he competed at a high level in full contact tai chi (no joke) and is now studying Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with Marcelo Garcia. He thought methods for studying BJJ could benefit from techniques used in chess, and worked with Marcelo to set up www.MGInAction.com, a website with indexed videos of Marcelo teaching and competing.
You're already over the withdrawal. What you're going through now is just mental addiction. If you can accept that cigarettes really are 100% harmful with no benefits at all, that will help you get through it - Carr's book explains this much more fully.
If you're interested in reading about this and other subtle strategies used to influence, I suggest you check out the book influence: the psychology of persuasion. It's one of my faves. It details:
All very interesting stuff that you can see in action every day.
Not a new faculty member -- I started out almost 20 years ago -- but I quit a tenured, almost-full-professor position back in 2011 to start over at a different university that was better suited for my goals, in no small part because of questions like these. I could give a very long answer on this because it's something I've thought about a lot, but I'll keep it short and maybe others can fill in their ideas.
Context: I work at a regional public university (26K students) and am pre-tenure but on the tenure track, up for tenure and promotion in 3 more years. I have a teaching schedule of 24 credits every year, which shakes out to three courses a semester (usually two preps) along with expectations for service and a modicum of research production (we're primarily a teaching-oriented institution). Also and importantly: I have a wife and three little kids and they are way more important to me than my career.
With that background, I usually am working on my stuff about 9 hours per day during the week, and maybe 2-3 hours on the weekends although I prefer not to work on the weekends at all. And it works for me, as I just had a successful halfway-point review for tenure and promotion and all signs are indicating that tenure shouldn't be a problem for me when I finally come up for it.
You asked a bunch of questions in that last paragraph that seem unrelated but actually I think they all hinge on one thing -- making sure that there is a space in your life for work and a space in your life for your life, and making sure that there is no unwanted invasion of one space by the other. What works for me is:
To focus on #2 and #3, I practice the Getting Things Done or "GTD" system of task/time management promulgated by David Allen. It would be well worth your time to go read this book, maybe over the holiday break. I won't try to summarize it other than to say, the cornerstone of GTD is having a trusted system into which you put ALL your projects and tasks organized by context, priority, and energy available and focus ONLY on the next action for each project. This way of thinking will train you to distinguish what you should be doing right now from the many things that you could be doing, and also train you to let go, mentally, of anything other than the next available thing until it's time.
So I highly recommend GTD. It's no exaggeration that when I discovered GTD a few years ago it changed my life. You asked about what I do to relax and feel peace -- the first thing I do is keep all my projects and tasks organized and under my control. Otherwise there is no peace!
As for #1, I set aside evenings and weekends for family. That for me is an inviolable law. So, I shut down the computer and don't check email from 6pm to 6am. (I tell students this, and explain why, and they respect it.) I get up at 4:30am so that I can grade from 6-7am every day and not take time out of the weekend. Sometimes (like during finals week) I do have to bring work home. But I've found that I can get a lot done during business hours if I just remain ruthlessly efficient with managing my tasks (see GTD).
So another aspect of having peace in my life comes from the fact that I never worry that I'm not doing enough to give time and attention to my wife, kids, church, or friends. Making hard boundaries around that personal space and fighting to maintain them makes it possible.
TL;DR -- I've managed to maintain a good work-life balance and a productive career by practicing GTD and being deliberate about setting hard boundaries around work and family life.
Reminds me of my favorite Amazon review....
I agree with all these comments here, also if you’re thinking about cosleeping, even just for naps, baby CANNOT sleep next to him. As he sleeps, the toxins and nicotine leech out of the skin. So make sure baby never sleeps directly next to him or in his side of the bed.
Husband was a smoker, finally decided to quit a month into pregnancy when we learned about this and the fact LO wouldn’t be able to be in his truck due to residue. He was given a book, said it was amazing and helped him quit cold turkey. This is the book:
If I may...
I bought this book on a recommendation of a friend of mine. My wife insisted I give it a shot. I read the book in 4 days, and haven't touched a cigarette since. It's been 8 and a half years!
Your mileage may vary, of course, but I love the way this book makes you rethink your relationship with tobacco. I recommend it to many people who want to quit smoking.
Mom died of cancer. The end was awful. It takes some time, but eventually the memories of the end fade, and the wonderful memories remain.
It’s going to be bad for awhile. I’m sorry for your loss.
Edit - Mom dies of smoking related cancer. Please quit.
This way works:
Nudge the girl. Make eye contact with a smile. Talk. Tease. Touch. Most importantly: practice.
How to Hold Conversation Like A Man
Body Language - Indicators of Interest
Eye Contact, Tonality and Story Telling, Body Language and Gesticulation Three great short videos.
Becoming the Gorilla
Two videos I haven't watched yet, but come highly recommended:
Rapid (Physical) Escalation Edit: I just finished watching this one. It started off badly and the title makes you think it'll be cheesy, but it's really good. I'd put it above Becoming the Gorilla, but below the three-video page.
The Fundamentals of Direct Game Edit: The presenter starts off super sleazy. Slowly he eases into douche. His advice seems solid and after about ten minutes he acts like a normal friendly guy. I love his "you're only competing against 3% of guys" section. That really boosted my confidence. It's at the 13:16 mark.
How to Win Friends and Influence People and The Charisma Myth are great books.
Honest Signalz This guy has a silver tongue. Watching him is more entertaining than helpful.
Check out /r/Seduction. It's not all cheesy lines. There is solid advice there.
For any smokers reading this, if you happen to be interested in quitting, I highly recommend the book, Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking. It worked for me after years of trying on my own to quit.
Yesterday I ended up un the negatives for saying fedoras are bad.
Come on MFA, we're crossing into self-parody territory here.
Also reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up and purging things big time. I've always been drawn toward minimalism but actually getting there is surprisingly emotional. I'm way down in numbers clothing so far and my closet has gone from rows and rows of stuff to like five coathangers.
This guy gets it. Games are a steady productivity drip that help you feel more in control/accomplished compared to what real life usually offers. The first step out of a cycle of suffering is to see that you are in one, which it sounds like you are doing. Engage your problems, make improvements, and keep trying. Feel free to PM me as well.
For related reading, try Reality is Broken and The Art of Learning. The latter, in particular, helps cultivate the perspective that makes success in other things as interesting as games can be.
Bootstrapped 10 years ago, kept the team tiny until just about 3 years ago. So I know the feeling!
You don't need to do it all. You need to do enough.
You're already on to a good first step: you've got a list of the 'buckets' you're spending your time in. Researching gigs, prospecting leads, emailing with clients, website redesign, social media. Plus, you know, the actual work. (For you: videography; for me: software engineering and operations.)
One sanity check is to accept that you're not going to get everything done. This is not the same as giving up, or lowing the bar, or accepting less for yourself or your business. It's a legitimate forcing function that will help you get organized and working on the right things.
If you can't do it all, then what do you do? How do you decide on what it is the most important?
Start with your buckets. There may be an inherent order of priority to them. I might suggest you start with billing and accounting for work that's been done. You don't want to neglect that, otherwise you just invalidate your hard work. Then there's the actual doing of billable work, which everything else is meant to support. Last, the supporting activities, like marketing.
You have a fixed amount of time in the day. Give each of these buckets a fixed amount of time, and a position on your schedule, relative to their priority. You could spend the first hour sending invoices, receiving payments, doing general bookkeeping and planning. Then your project management, reviewing emails with clients, prioritizing tasks for the day. The rest of the morning, dive in to your billable work. If you don't have billable work at the moment, build a hobby project that you can use for marketing.
After lunch, spend an hour on promotion, then back into a couple hours of work. Closing out the day, another block of communication with clients, then research opportunities and prospect for leads, along with whatever other habit might help you unplug and unwind so you can get some rest and recovery.
So time management is important. You don't have to plan out your day in five-minute increments, but it's good to have some rhythms and rituals. The important part is that you apply some thought to the kinds of tasks you're doing, where they're coming from, and the relative value of those types of tasks and the tasks themselves. You can't control the volume of supporting tasks, so focus on controlling your blocks of time. Limit the unlimited, apply whatever sorting criteria you can, and focus on finishing what you start.
You may not be able to do it all, and you don't need to do it all in order to be successful. You need to do good valuable work for your clients, and enough supporting work to get paid for it, to keep more work coming, and to keep improving the business itself.
I'll wrap up with maybe slightly more prescriptive pieces of advice.
If you don't already have one, you definitely want a bookkeeper and an accountant. Clean books from day one is super valuable. You don't want tax season to be a major time sink. There are plenty of solo or small CPA shops in your area that work with small businesses on a retainer basis. I'd rather spend $500/mo on a bookkeeper+CPA combo than a virtual assistant.
Outsource to software tools as much as possible. This Twitter thread is probably overkill for what you need at your scale. But you may get some good ideas. Software scales really well, you can get a lot done with a $50/mo or (eventually) a $500/mo tool.
If you choose not to use software, and scale with people, make sure that everything is written down and inspected! You should be able to take someone's notes on how they're doing a task, and replicate it yourself. If I was doing one thing differently, this is something I'd do more of. Do a task the first time, document it the second, and by the 10th or 20th time you can think about delegating or designing a system.
Get really good at email. Gmail has a bunch of great tools, get to know them. Commit to inbox zero every day; multiple times a day. Snooze liberally. If it's in the inbox, it's an action item you're working on right now. If it's not actionable, get rid of it. You can skim quickly, but remember, you can't do it all.
If your email back and forth consists of scheduling calls or meetings, stop now and check out Calendly. You need it, or something like it, to take the guesswork out of scheduling.
Your personal productivity is important. Getting Things Done is worth studying, if you haven't already. Check out GTD in 15 minutes for an overview of the book's content.
And last but not least, remember to take time for yourself! You need time away from work to rest and recharge and be a person. That's the wellspring of your creativity and drive to be an entrepreneur and a creator. Nurture it. And have fun!
That hard yank on the emotions drives urgency. Too hard a yank is 9 times out of 10 your clue of a financial scheme.
Recommended reading, "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion"
You can actually buy the book. It was actually legit lol.
Comprehensive List of Books Relating to Music Production and Creative Growth
Making Music: 74 Creative Strategies - Dennis DeSantis
This is a fantastic book. Each page has a general idea on boosting creativity, workflow, and designing sounds and tracks.
Music Theory for Computer Musicians - Michael Hewitt
Really easy to digest book on music theory, as it applies to your DAW. Each DAW is used in the examples, so it is not limited to a specific program. Highly recommend this for someone starting out with theory to improve their productions.
Secrets of Dance Music Production - David Felton
This book I recently picked up and so far it's been quite good. It goes over all the different elements of what make's dance music, and get's quite detailed. More geared towards the beginner, but it was engaging nonetheless. It is the best 'EDM specific' production book I have read.
Ocean of Sound - David Troop
Very well written and interesting book on ambient music. Not only does David go over the technical side and history of ambiance and musical atmospheres, he speaks very poetically about creating these soundscapes and how they relate to our interpersonal emotions.
On Audio Engineering:
Mixing Secrets for the Small Studio - Mike Senior
In my opinion, this is the best mixing reference book for both beginners and intermediate producers. Very in-depth book that covers everything from how to set-up for accurate listening to the purpose of each mixing and mastering plug-in. Highly recommended.
Zen and the Art of Mixing - Mixerman
Very interesting read in that it deals with the why's more than the how's. Mixerman, a professional audio engineer, goes in detail to talk about the mix engineer's mindset, how to approach projects, and how to make critical mixing decisions. Really fun read.
The Mixing Engineer's Handbook - Bobby Owinski
This is a fantastic companion book to keep around. Not only does Owinski go into great technical detail, he includes interviews from various audio engineers that I personally found very helpful and inspiring.
On the Industry:
All You Need to Know About the Music Business - Donald S. Passman
This book is simply a must read for anyone hoping to make a professional career out of music, anyone wanting to start their own record label, or anyone interested in how the industry works. It's a very informative book for any level of producer, and is kept up-to-date with the frequent revisions. Buy it.
Rick Rubin: In the Studio - Jake Brown
Very interesting read that is a semi-biographical book on Rick Rubin. It is not so personal as it is talking about his life, experiences, and processes. It does get quite technical when referring to the recording process, but there are better books for technical info. This is a fun read on one of the most successful producers in history.
Behind the Glass - Howard Massey
A collection of interviews from a diverse range of musicians who speak about creativity, workflows, and experiences in the music industry. Really light, easy to digest book.
The War of Art - Steven Pressfield
This is a must-read, in my opinion, for any creative individual. It is a very philosophical book on dealing with our own mental battles as an artist, and how to overcome them. Definitely pick this one up, all of you.
This is Your Brain on Music - Daniel S. Levitin
A book written by a neurologist on the psychology of music and what makes us attached to it. It's a fairly scientific book but it is a very rewarding read with some great ideas.
On Personal Growth and Development:
How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
Although this seems like an odd book for a music producer, personally I think this is one of the most influential books I've ever read. Knowing how to be personable, effectively network, and form relationships is extremely important in our industry. Whether it be meeting and talking to labels, meeting other artists, or getting through to A&R, this book helps with all these areas and I suggest this book to all of you.
7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
Similar to the recommendation above, although not directly linked to music, I assure you reading this book will change your views on life. It is a very engaging and practical book, and gets you in the right mindset to be successful in your life and music career. Trust me on this one and give it a read.
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
You know the feeling when you're really in the groove of jamming out and all worries tend to slip away for those moments? That is the 'Optimal Experience' according to the author. This book will teach you about that experience, and how to encourage and find it in your work. This is a very challenging, immersive, and enlightening read, which deals with the bigger picture and finding happiness in your work and life. Very inspiring book that puts you in a good mindset when you're doing creative work.
The Art of Work - Jeff Goins
A very fascinating book that looks at taking your passion (music in our case) and making the most of it. It guides you on how to be successful and turn your passion into your career. Some very interesting sections touching on dealing with failure, disappointment, and criticism, yet listening to your intuition and following your passion. Inspiring and uplifting book to say the least.
It can be developed. Phil was just born into a great situation in terms of charisma. His family and early teachers knew enough about it to teach it to him young. Same with any other "natural" at anything.
Ok, you need to read this book. The Charisma Myth.
The general conclusion is that charisma is the product of 3 things. Power, Warmth, and Presence. Power is the ability to change the world around you. Warmth is how willing you are to use your power to help others. And presence is being in the moment, focused on who you're with, making them feel important and understood.
I think the necessary ingredient for any charisma is power. And there are many forms of power in many different situations. But if you don't have power, then warmth and presence are not enough to give you hard-hitting charisma. It's absolutely learnable though and I wish you all the best.
I don’t really love advertising for certain things, but this has really helped me out with juggling life:
Basically, get it all out of your head and into some thing better at keeping information. Software, planner, calendar. I am building a house, have a stressful software engineer job, have 4 kids under 7, and a wife with medical problems. I still fail a lot...but now not as often!
It sounds like fix #1 is more sleep.
Lame as it may sound, 8 hours of sleep is hugely different than 3 or even 5. Set the alarm for turning off the computer and just do it man. I'm sure there are auto-shutoff functions, but I say turn the computer off yourself. It's a sign of your own commitment to change. You can push one button to start a better life.
I find everything else seems easier if I get enough sleep. Without it, stuff seems difficult and unimportant and I drift back into a bad mindset. It took me a long time to recognize that those thoughts were a lie... just a lack of sleep in disguise.
From there, I'd probably recommend a simple calendar+task list system like Cal Newport recommends in the Straight A Student, though others like David Allen's more detailed Getting Things Done methodology.
But start with getting good sleep. Commit to it for a week and see how it goes.
Firstly - and I don't mean this in a mean way - you were a fool to think that anyone would change for you because they loved you. It's usually best policy to believe the opposite, that if they already have bad habits, that they will only become more entrenched in them as time passes. People who change for others are the exception, not the rule.
Now about the dipping. You are making this more complicated than it has to be. Either his addiction is a dealbreaker and you leave, or it isn't, and you live with it. You cannot control what other people choose to do with their own bodies. The only thing you CAN control is your own reaction to them.
Now, speaking as someone who smoked for 12 years and quit, don't listen to the bullshit about coddling "addicts." Yes, nicotine qualifies as a type of substance abuse, but it's easy as pie to quit IF you put your mind to it. This isn't like detoxing from alcohol (which can kill you if aren't in a medical environment). People who can't quit nicotine are lacking in mental fortitude. Is that a quality of someone that you want to continue to build your life with?
BTW, Aaron Carr's book was an invaluable quitting tool. It would be worth a read for you too to help you understand the illogical mentality of nicotine addicts. This book worked better than any combination of patches, gum, and lozenges. Read the reviews and believe the hype.
Oh, and my hospital recently included ear accupuncture as part of their nicotine cessation program. It's supported by our addiction physicians so that means it's not all hooey. Might be worth looking into if your SO is open to it.
I feel I could have written this - though not quite so well. I was introverted, bookish and non-sporty at school, never had a girlfriend before university, and my self-image was definitely based around beliefs like "I am not the kind of person people find attractive or interesting". After getting to uni and meeting different people, circumstances changed but the beliefs did not - much as you have said.
A while ago, I went over all the times I can remember 'missing signals' - either through being genuinely oblivious or by second-guessing myself - and the number was at least twice the number of girls I've actually had sex with. There were a few 'how on earth did I not pick that up?' situations, and occasionally I have seemed to have gone out of my way to sabotage a situation, looking for any indicator that she wasn't interested.
Once, at the end of term, a girl who I felt might be flirting with me suggested I meet her and her friends for a drink later that night. I went along - the friends left almost immediately after I arrived. She had finished her drink, so I asked her if she wanted another: she said 'no', and I instantly thought 'she doesn't find me attractive'. If I had assumed 'she probably wants out of here and in my bed as soon as possible' I'd have another notch on my bedpost...
That isn't the worst part - after she left, a couple of drunk girls who had been sitting opposite actually called me over and explained that she had obviously been into me, what on earth were you thinking, etc. etc. I'm cringing just thinking of it.
Thinking back on it, I was hardly ever the one who initiated sex even when I did get laid - it was always them coming on to me, or a very gradual build up where I didn't make any bold moves. Logically I should conclude that I must be pretty attractive for them to be pulled in by such terrible game, and in a very intellectualised sense I 'know' I am... The thing is that I don't 'feel' it on an instinctive level. A related point: when actually having sex, I'm fine being rough and dominant with girls I don't really care about - you might say, girls I'm 'questionably attracted to' - but with ones I do I practically freeze up.
Thanks for the post, it's given me a great reminder to actually do something about this. I'm already looking into mindfulness meditation as a way of helping out with these and other problems - the main principle of it is to stop obsessing over both the future and the past, and live more 'in the moment'. It seems to be the basis of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947 which looks like a great resource for TRP.
Check out https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947
For me, it was a pretty big influence. I think also for me generally it boiled down to think less feel more. Most interactions with people aren't an information exchange as much as an exchange of emotion. But that just helped me get more dialed in. If you're coming from a different starting point though, probably different results.
Also known as invoking the law of reciprocity. When someone gives you something you feel compelled to return the favor. Also the cause for streetside advocates (clipboard protesters, hare krishnas) handing you stickers or flowers, or why you get those free return address stickers for your mail when they want you to buy household office supplies.
Cialdini's book is fantastic if you like this stuff: http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Revised-Edition/dp/006124189X
no, it's a sub for fans of this book
There are TONS of people who struggle with it. It's disappointing that she wasn't more understanding. I HIGHLY recommend, as a very first and cost effective step, reading Marie Kondo's book . It discusses the psychology and importance of a clean and tidy space. Her Netflix series is really great, but doesn't conquer the same issues as her book.
This book discusses the importance of a clean sink and the impact it has on everything else in your space! Good luck!!
I see someone's familiar with David Allen. "Getting Things Done" for the uninitiated. Basically, 'do the easy stuff first, the stuff that takes little to no effort to clear off your plate, so that you're free to better focus on the priorities.'
A higher price can in fact spur higher demand. For example, when (average) consumers have no other information to differentiate product quality they can conflate price with quality - it costs more so it must be more valuable. IIRC this is mentioned in Cialdini's book Influence. He mentions a jeweller who had trouble moving some jewellery. He put them on sale and nothing happened, but when he raised the price they flew off the shelves.
I got a book you'd enjoy man. Seriously, that long post was beautiful.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/006124189X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apap_HWNXHZwOT7LWf
The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics. (probably most interesting from a Freudian perspective, deals with many of our unconscious instincts)
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces The Shape Our Decisions - Unconscious decision-making, behavioral economics, consumer psychology. Fun read.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Most popular book on the psychology of persuasion, covers all the main principles. Very popular among business crowds.
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships - Social neuroscience, mirror neurons, empathy, practical stuff mixed with easy to understand brain science.
Authentic Happiness - Positive Psychology, happiness, increasing life satisfaction.
Feeling Good - A good primer on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also widely considered one of the best self-help books by mental health practitioners.
The Brain That Changes Itself - Neuroplasticity, how experience shapes our brains. Some really remarkable case studies that get you wondering how powerful our brains really are.
The Buddhist Brain - The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom from a Buddhist perspective.
That should give you more than enough to chew on.
Oh the manipulations!
I’m so sorry you are going thru this.
You aren’t alone.
The truth is she’s the one being selfish because she’s embarrassed and trying to control your life.
This book might help:
Yeeeeow nice post man.
If you're a bit of a reader, I think you'd like the following books:
Talks about where human motivation stems from. People are mislead by thinking that extrinsic rewards are the no. 1 motivator for people (e.g. money). However most studies are starting to show that intrinsically motivated people are the most productive and successful.
Talent code - http://www.amazon.com/Talent-Code-Greatness-Born-Grown/dp/055380684X/ref=pd_sim_14_6?ie=UTF8&amp;dpID=41MunW5Js4L&amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;preST=_AC_UL320_SR216%2C320_&amp;refRID=168Q5YDYYGJGSE9QPMCJ
The practicing mind - http://www.amazon.com/Practicing-Mind-Developing-Discipline-Challenge/dp/1608680908/ref=pd_sim_14_17?ie=UTF8&amp;dpID=41xIyq0O4wL&amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;preST=_AC_UL160_SR100%2C160_&amp;refRID=097CJ40FQXQ88KG5TDAS
Both of these books are great for instilling the fact that greatness isn't bestowed upon someone, it takes years and dedicated practice cultivate a valuable skill.
If you'd like these books, send me a PM because I have the PDF/Audiobook of them.
Do yourself a favor and buy this: https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
Read while you rip stoggies. You will stop smoking upon completion. Thank me later.
I'm not going to give you advice. I will give you these links that helped me out of my "Pit of Despair" when, at one point in my entrepreneural and personal life, felt like I was in the trenches taking on grenades from every direction. It was a dark time. You're not alone. The struggle is real, but so is hope.
Hope these help:
These are all the links and books I can think of right now. I hope this helps and you pull yourself up soon.
When I told my aunt about my time in the Pit, her response was, "So you wasted time".
When I thought about it, yeah, I did waste time. Self pity is a choice. Choose another path.
Hello dear friend and welcome to the club! Hopefully this reply will help you out.
First, and solely based on what you've asked, you're not ready.
But that doesn't mean you can't be ready sooner than later. I am assuming that by freelance you desire to make a full-time income, grow you income over time, and possibly even leave a legacy for loved ones. My answers reflect that assumption and are not geared towards somebody interested in freelancing as a side-gig or just for some extra cash.
1. How do I know I am ready?
I'm not going to say "you'll just know." Anybody who made the full-time jump into freelancing as their main source of income never felt ready. Frankly, it's pretty scary to think about getting off your employers teet and being responsible for your own income. At a conference table a multi-millionaire business owner once said that regardless of his time owning his business, the processes in place, the great employees, and his confidence, sometimes the scary thought would still enter his mind that it could all just come crashing down. Being responsible for yourself, your own income, your quality of life and possibly of others is no small task. It takes guts, confidence, patience, and thoughtfullness. You can do it if you believe in yourself though.
Here's some advice...
Being ready has nothing to do with your skillset in design, development, writing or whatever craft you're involved in. Absolutely zero. Calvin Coolidge said "Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."
Here's a few reason why your skillset is not a significant factor in your preparedness to freelance:
a) Our industry changes faster than we can learn. By the time you start feeling confident in a specific skill, you've already got 10 other things on your radar that you would like to learn. It never stops. You just accept it and choose which skills are the most important to focus on. Anywhere you decide to draw a line in the sand and say "that's what I need to do to be ready" is just arbitrary. You made it up and there is no logic or metric to base it on. It is actually an avoidance technique. It reflects a lack of confidence. You will soon find out though that this too is just in your head. Every single job in freelancing is a new challenge. You don't need confidence in your ability - you need confidence in yourself.
b) Success in freelancing or running an agency boils down to people skills. Communication, soft skills, time management, and networking are the factors that determine your success as a freelancer. There are freelancers with skillsets that haven't been updated in a decade who are very successful because of people skills. There are also extremely talented people on the cutting edge of their skillsets but lack people skills and therefore never become successful freelancers. Some people can sell water to a whale while others could't sell water to a millionaire dying of dehydration in a desert.
If there is a catalyst for feeling prepared to jump into the world of freelancing, it's improving your people skills. This should be practiced as much, if not more, than learning your tools.
Here are some resources to get you going and I'll keep it short because actually using these resources is more important than just collecting them:
How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie and
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Steven Covey
These two books cover what makes people trust and how you can change the lens through which you see life plus much, much more.
Team Treehouse (I am not affiliated in any way):
These courses provide some of the highest value I've ever received for each dollar spent. The section you should look at is the "Business" section. Don't get sidetracked by all the other "skillset/tools" content just yet. In the business section, take the courses on "Soft Skills," "How to Freelance, "How to Run a Web Design Business," and "How to Market Your Business." These courses will provide enough information for you to assimilate the big picture of what freelancing is and will help instill confidence in you.
That's it for the resources. It's not much and if you dedicate some time and focus on these resources you will know where to go to continue building your people and business skills. Once you are engaged and truly understand that this business is about people, you will have the confidence to carve out a path towards full-time freelancing.
2. When you submit a project to a client what files do you give them?
There is absolutely no hard and fast rule to answer this question. This is between you and the client and will often be handled on a case by case basis.
It is common for contracts to stipulate that the client owns the rights to everything you have created but they do not own the unique design you created. To wit, they cannot turn around and sell your design to other people. But again, this is not a hard and fast rule.
Here's what is more important regarding your question - WHEN do you give the client whatever files you agreed to give them? The answer: After the final payment. It doesn't matter what the contract says, who said what, how much has been paid, if the client is your own mother or if you have a check in your hand already - you do not give the client the final product until there is money in your bank account or hard cash in your hand. This is a simple concept observed and accepted in almost all other businesses but people get screwed all the time in freelancing. Even a drive-thru worker holds the food until they have your cash. There is not logical reason for doing it any other way. Any client who is proposing otherwise is not a professional business-person.
3. Can I start freelancing as a front-end developer without knowing backend? (I have recently started learning Rails)
This is very similar to number one in that it doesn't matter. If you don't know the backend, then you say you're a front-end designer. If you also know the back-end then you do both. If you can write a sentence you can call yourself a copywriter. If you can build a site in Wix or Weebly you can call yourself a developer. If you can draw a box in MS Paint you can call yourself a designer. There is no line in the sand that you cross over to be an "official" freelancer, developer, designer, or copywriter. Anybody telling you otherwise is mean, ignorant, not a professional business-person or some combination thereof.
From Wikipedia, "A freelancer, freelance worker, or freelance is a person who is self-employed and is not committed to a particular employer long-term." If you're not committed to a particular employer long-term and you make money through short-term contracts scooping up dog poop at corporate campuses, guess what? You're a freelancer.
What matters for obtaining clients is that you can sell yourself. What matters for keeping clients is doing a good job.
4. Should I freelance under my real name? Or incorporate?
Your business name is a matter of personal preference. The only question to ask yourself is "if I grow a lot and hire employees, do I want the business to still be my own name?" It's your call whether you'd want employees working for Joe Smith LLC or whatever it might be. But keep in mind that it can be a real pain and very costly to change business names several years down the road.
What's important here is regardless of name, what business entity are you set up as? You can read about those by Googling "business entity." Sole proprietor, LLC, C-Corp etc. There are no hard and fast rules. The implications of your choice affect how taxes are paid, what happens in a lawsuit, etc.
If you aren't comfortable digesting that sort of information then a couple hundred bucks spent on an attorney is in order. Depending on which entity you choose, you might be able to fill out and submit the registration paperwork yourself.
I wrote a quick script to search the full text of HPMOR and return everything italicized and in title case, which I think got most of the books mentioned in the text:
Book title|Author|Mentioned in chapter(s)|Links|Notes
Encyclopaedia Britannica| |7|Wikipedia|Encyclopaedia
Financial Times| |7|Wikipedia|Newspaper
The Feynman Lectures on Physics|Richard P. Feynman|8|Wikipedia|Full text is available online here
Judgment Under Uncertainty: Heuristics and Biases|Amos Tversky|8|Amazon|
Language in Thought and Action|S.I. Hayakawa|8|Amazon Wikipedia |
Influence: Science and Practice|Robert B. Cialdini|8|Wikipedia|Textbook. See also Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Rational Choice in an Uncertain World: The Psychology of Judgment and Decision Making|Reid Hastie and Robyn Dawes|8|Amazon |Textbook
Godel, Escher, Bach|Douglas Hofstadter|8, 22|Amazon Wikipedia|
A Step Farther Out|Jerry Pournelle|8|Amazon|
The Lord of the Rings|J.R.R. Tolkien|17|Wikipedia|
Atlas Shrugged|Ayn Rand|20, 98|Wikipedia|
Chimpanzee Politics|Frans de Waal|24|Amazon|
Thinking Physics: Understandable Practical Reality|Lewis Carroll Epstein|35, 102|Amazon|
Second Foundation|Isaac Asimov|86|Wikipedia|Third novel in the Foundation Series
Childcraft: A Guide For Parents| |91|Amazon|Not useful if your child has a mysterious dark side
Also, this probably isn't technically what the OP was asking, but since the script returned fictional titles along with real ones, I went ahead and included them too:
Book title|Mentioned in chapter(s)
The Quibbler|6, 27, 38, 63, 72, 86
Hogwarts: A History|8, 73, 79
Modern Magical History|8
Intermediate Potion Making|17
Occlumency: The Hidden Arte|21
Daily Prophet|22, 25, 26, 27, 35, 38, 53, 69, 77, 84, 86, 108
The Skeptical Wizard|29
Beauxbatons: A History|63
Moste Potente Potions|78
Toronto Magical Tribune|86
New Zealand Spellcrafter's Diurnal Notice|86
As others mentioned, TVTropes has a virtually-exhaustive list of allusions to other works, which includes books that aren't explicitly named in the text, like Ender's Game
"Getting Things Done" by David Allen.
I've read a good number of self-help books at this point, and I think Getting Things Done has had the largest impact on my productivity. What's so great about it is that it helps you get a system in place for remaining productive, and explains why work nowadays is different from work in the past. It also emphasizes getting work done in a stress-free way, so you can not only be a productive machine but also be relaxed while doing so. Highly recommend to anyone.
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing
There's quite a bit of evidence that intellect is a very malleable factor, and does not necessarily remain stable over time. In other words- it's entirely possible that a person can raise their IQ (not that I think IQ is a comprehensive measure of intellect to begin with.)
There's also quite a bit of evidence that a person's intellect is more an accumulated product of their ability to focus their attention and filter out distracting thoughts, than it is some kind of "bigger brain" or "faster recall" phenomenon.
It works like this: your attention (working memory capacity) is one limiting factor on how much of the information you've been exposed to is encoded into secondary memory (long-term memory). "A bigger garden hose fills a pool faster" would be a good analogy.
That being said, it appears there is very little variation in people's actual working memory capacities - but people who are "intelligent" are better able to focus on items and thoughts they wish to attend to. It is currently thought that this relationship between attentional filtering and intelligence is not just a correlation, but a causal one.
In other words: We think filtering extraneous thoughts and information so you are better able to focus on the operation (whatever it is you're trying to do) at hand is a primary driving factor in a person's intellect.
Further, other studies have shown that with deliberate practice, you can learn to enhance your ability to "focus" on information at hand. The implication is that you can improve your intelligence in broad strokes.
This is all undergraduate stuff at my University, and being an undergraduate I don't have the exact papers on hand to give you references, and don't happen to know a procedure for going about improving your attentional filter, but I know the information is out there.
So, if you don't want to accept what you feel is an unsatisfactory current level of intelligence - I don't think you have to.
tl;dr: Intelligence is malleable, and can be improved quite a lot with deliberate effort!
Leaving that, though, I also think that everyone has to cope with this problem on some level - there's always somebody smarter than you. Don't feel alienated or alone about this; know we're all in the same boat with you. Nobody is as smart as they wish they were.
You're probably smarter than you realize, and in fact the perception of weakness in one area will actually decrease your performance in that area - even if no weakness exists.
Also - if you're just not interested in something, you won't be able to focus your attention on it, anyhow. It could be that academics just isn't your cup of tea! That by no means means you're less intelligent than your classmates that are getting As. It just means you haven't discovered your interests yet. It happens, even to people who are actively looking for their intellectual calling. You'll find it.
Academics is just one expression of intellect - there's lots of others: music, art, interpersonal skills, oratory, crafts and trades. If there is something that interests you, and you're still young enough/in a place where you can afford to experiment, you should do it! There is no reason not to pursue happiness.
tl;dr: Just because you're not good at academics doesn't mean you're not very good at something else, equally as difficult and rewarding
And lastly, as a personal anecdote: I performed abysmally in college when I first went there. I could not focus on studying, information would just go in one ear and out the other, I took no interest in the courses I was taking, and I utterly flunked out. Twice.
I joined the military, crushed, because I thought I was an Einstein, Jr., like most other people seem to do. Ten years later, I went back to college and found I was just an intellectual late-bloomer. I have no idea what happened to me, but I vastly improved in my academic ability. Now I'm one year from graduating, improved my GPA from 0.9 to 3.4, and have good prospects on going to grad school. I think there's always hope - maybe your brain just wasn't mature enough before.
But if you really feel that you can't better your station in life, I would recommend reading On Living, by Epictetus. It's an absolutely brilliant book, written almost two thousand years ago, and it's purpose is to help people find happiness and come to grips with life, following the principle "Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not."
tl;dr: Sometimes we're just dumb when we're young, and age/experience fixes it. And some things are beyond our control, we can still seek ways to be happy - with effort.
Very long winded answer- but I hope I can be of some help.
Read this, seriously.
Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking
The book called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is really useful for learning to be assertive. A lot of it comes down to learning the tools and then practicing.
When I was in high school, I was close with one of my teachers. When I graduated, she gave me this book with a nice message written inside the front cover.
I didn't touch it for about 2-3 years, but once I did, it changed my life.
You will pick up the knowledge fairly quickly, but the wisdom part comes slowly.
Read some books:
Start humble, stay humble, be quick to listen and slow to speak, and don't make changes on Friday!
Garfield is from a Virgil thing, Jared innocence project, and elevators are a twitter thing. [X]cel is a Reddit thing that the dry boys picked up on, Gorilla mindset is Cernovich's ethos and Metal Gear is the most apt cultural zeitgeist of our time.
I highly recommend the book 'When I say no, I feel guilty' It has loads of brilliant strategies to deal with manipulative people.
This doesn't have to be a confrontation. You can negotiate your own freedom and maintain a relationship with your mother (if she is willing to do a small amount of work too, but you can help her)
It'd be cool if there was a book about this.
The title could be...
"When I say no i feel guilty"
Seriously though, there have been cases of this kind of thing. Josh Waitzkin in his book mentions how in one of the world Tai Chi Chuan tournaments he attended, the tournament played with the schedule and gave everybody 'heavy' food (everyone becomes hungry because matches are delayed). The point was to throw off the foreign combatants. The local teams already knew of the schedule alteration, so they planned their eating accordingly.
It began when I really saw how my dad was taking advantage of my inability to say no to him. When I started expressing I was not comfortable with some of the things he was asking (for example, always being available by phone and taking things from my mother's house to sneak to him), he blew up on me. Tried every manipulative tactic in the book to get me to do what he wanted. It led me to a really dark time of depression and an over reliance on alcohol to cope.
I began to seek out help by going to therapy. My therapist was validating and that in itself was empowering. I started to learn how I had been conditioned to say "yes" out of fear of rejection, abandonment, or being perceived as "mean."
I read books like Your Perfect Right and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. I loved the latter especially, though it felt somewhat outdated, it has concrete examples of what one can say when someone pushes back on "no."
I sought out healthier people to practice setting boundaries with. I practiced until it didn't feel like I'd have a panic attack simply over declining someone's request. It became okay to say no, and I felt stronger every time I did it. I learned to observe people's reactions to my "no" and see how and when they were behaving poorly in response. That helped me not take it personally or feel I had to "fix" things. I also had to learn to take other people's "no" at face value and not read it as a personal attack.
Becoming a social worker really helped solidify my boundaries because I could practice on clients I'll never see again. I don't care if they think I'm rude or something because I won't let them use my office phone or I won't fudge progress notes or lie for them. Today my ability to say no prevents a lot of uncomfortable situations for myself and prevents resentments from brewing. I don't do anything I'm not fully on board with voluntarily.
My mantra: "No" is not the start of negotiations, it's the end of the discussion. I don't owe anyone explanations or excuses if I don't want to do something. I don't have to apologize for it, and if someone reacts in an out of proportion way (rage, guilt tripping, silent treatment, etc), I know that's their problem to manage.
Lots of love for you, here are some thoughts of mine...
Here are some resources that I have been really grateful for on my journey, which I am 12 months into...
The Obstacle is the Way
The Daily Stoic this is my new "daily bible" I read a page every morning
Secular Buddhism podcast
Waking Up podcast
End of Faith
The Demon Haunted World
Philosophize This! podcast OR Partially Examined Life podcast
I wish you the very best in your journey, be patient with yourself, you have EVERY reason to be! Start filling your mind with powerful positive ideas, keep the ones that help you find your way, set aside the ones that don't.
And remember, you are young and free and the possibilities of what your life can become are boundless!
A few, in no particular order:
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Collins Business Essentials)
Mastering Your Hidden Self: A Guide to the Huna Way (A Quest Book)
My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies
Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature
Outliers: The Story of Success
Iron John: A Book About Men
Social Justice Warriors Always Lie: Taking Down The Thought Police by Vox Day <== A really important work
Propaganda by Edward Bernays
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini
SJW attack survival guide drawing on the work of Vox Day
How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable: Getting Your Point Across with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Google "verbal self defense" and a lot will pop up, if you are talking about 1-on-1 and small group contexts.
Google "influence" or "persuasion" or "propaganda" or "social change" if you are talking about large groups or society as a whole.
It's a combination of many, many things. I don't think I can do the /r/marriedredpill sidebar justice in one single comment.
This was very, very important: I adopted an abundance mentality. For me that means that I'm fully prepared to divorce her. This mental switch changed our relationship in a big way. In RP parlance "I'm the prize" and it's her who has to qualify herself to stay Mrs. bala-key. This is not talked about openly, but I think she knows.
The important thing here is that she (or the blue pill literature I've been reading) would never be able to articulate to me that this is what I needed to do to fix my dead bedroom and keep my marriage together.
To a large extent it's actually the opposite.
refer to other answers for calories. as for the cardio:
Seriously, quit smoking. No, don't reduce the number of cigarettes. Quit. A copy of this book won't hurt http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
JBP advised somewhat against this on the PKA podcast and you can know why if you read the book "Influence" over the difference ways you can manipulate people.
The way the communist parties in china were able to convert american spies to communism was by sitting them down and having them write a paper on the good points that communism has. They didn't have to believe what they wrote, they just had to write it.
That's fair enough right? What's the harm in that?
The harm in that is that if you write something then the brain will tend to believe what you're writing is true. Hence, this is a very subtle form of brainwashing. Writing down the leftist ideology just becuase it's what your professor wants to hear might get you the grades, but it also makes you more likely to change your mind.
I don't know if knowing this fact makes it any less risky but I do know that you should be careful with this kind of thinking for good reason.
I think that you just shouldn't be in such courses in the first place because the topics that the social justice ideology are the most powerful in are also the classes which have the least quantitative and practical use. That's why STEM has been slow to catch on, though it won't stay that way for long. At the very least, if you're in a physics class then at least the exam is still on physics.
The fourth season of "Nathan For You" has started. I wonder if any other SSCers are watching?
To briefly describe why I like the show, I'd have to say that what I enjoy is how elaborate the scenarios get, the situations that result, and how people react to them.
To the people who aren't familiar with "Nathan For You", nominally it's a comedy reality show where the host helps small businesses succeed using crazy ideas, but "really" it's about the limits of politeness, how people react to cameras, and moments of humanity that happen throughout the show. I really don't know how to explain it, I'm hoping someone else will come in and convince you in a much better way.
Nathan Fielder, the host, is playing a character based on a very awkward version of himself - to get a reaction out of people - but supposedly the show is otherwise real.
Disclaimer: The clips below are just YouTube clips, not full episodes.
Examples of things that happened in the show:
Each episode is rather, well... episodic and mostly self-contained. For an introduction, I recommend having S03E01 be your first episode. S01E01 might make you think the show is more gross-out and puerile than it is.
>(Not sure why so underrated)
It's because this kind of advice has been given before. To be successful you have to accept that you're not the most important person in the world. You're not a special snowflake with special problems. Everyone has an area of life that they wish they were better at. Accept that you may be lacking, but understand that you can improve and seek to do so in a humble way. This is how you keep your ego in check.
If you want a deeper look into it give Ryan Holiday's book a read. Ego is The Enemy It's amazing.
His other book, "The Obstacle is The Way" is also an amazing piece of my collection and will show you that the world is filled with challenges and it's a great thing.
The single best book (or audiobook) I recommend every beginner about minimalism is "Goodbye, Things". The writing is simple and direct. It's full of interesting insights and advice.
After that, read "The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo. Why not the main book? Because the manga (comic book) is easier and more entertaining to digest and goes over her main ideas just fine. While Marie Kondo isn't a minimalist, her methods complement it immensely.
And for the love of God, avoid "The Minimalists" or anything by them. Absolutely preachy, pretentious, surface level garbage.
If you replace 'subreddit' with 'book':
My gf got me that book about tiding up. I'm excited to get our house clean and in order.
Do people really identify with it though? I watched an episode where a lady had a cabbage where the outside was rotten but the inside was still "just fine". They were way beyond normal decluttering and into mental illness.
I think the japanese book on tidying is a lot more motivating.
Many people, myself included, have used them as sort of a stepping stone to quitting. I think the draw is that the liquid comes with various concentrations of nicotine, and you can gradually reduce your intake down to 0mg juice.
My personal experience was that using e-cigs was kind of a pain in the ass, and ultimately, I was still a slave to the addiction, regardless of the nicotine content. It does not help, and if anyone thinks it does, just wait until your battery dies and you'll be scrounging for a real cigarette.
The bottom line here is that the chemical addiction of cigarettes is super super weak, and this is why even your hardcore 2-pack-a-day smokers who can't go 20 minutes without lighting up can sleep through 8 hours of withdrawls without a problem. The addiction is a matter of brainwashing into believing that cigarettes (real or fake) are something you need and want and that quitting means you're having to do without something you need or having to give up something that you want. E-cigs only serve to perpetuate that notion.
What helped me was reading this book. It took me two days, and after the second day, I went home, chucked all my e-cig gear in the trash and never looked back. I smoked for 18 years, and now I can't even take a drag without choking like a first-timer on an after school special.
For those who may be interested in quitting, here is a PDF version of the book. I hope it helps:
If you don't like the idea of pirating this book, feel free to pay for it or get it from the library. Personally, if buying/renting it is going to keep you from reading it, I'd rather provide you with an easier option in the hopes that it will be the difference between reading and not reading it.
This book was transformative for me, both in terms of mindset AND behavior, before I was diagnosed (I was having trouble at work, in almost exactly the same way you describe) and after knowing more about what I was dealing with.
I still grab it from the library every once in a while to brush up, or when I feel my mind straying from practice.
Going to make a suggestion to read Getting Things Done.
GTD without a doubt.
I will recommend a couple general business books that helped me
As a an intro to setting up and administering an office I would suggest
Get Things Done by David Allenhttps://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0143126563/
For the business of business I would suggest an old one
The Entrepreneurs Manuel... I have the 1977 edition and it is pretty brutally honest with some concepts that don't get talked about because they are ethically shady... or can generate so many ideas that a company can get overloaded. This is actually originally a Chilton Manual... and is now reprinted by a different company... and is apparently a poor reprint quality so try to get a copy off ebay
there's many others as I pick things up at thrift stores and random books will have a good idea or two...such as
I rate my clients
'A' : make referrals
'B' : pay on time and are normal clients
'C' : Have 'warning signs' but are otherwise 'B' clients. ie. Asks for discounts. Slow payer. etc
'D' : Drop. Demands discounts or asks for ethically shady work.
Why do you want to be more social? What do you want in life? Specifically. Write down the reasons, and write down everything you want for yourself - all the things you'd like to own, all the skills you'd like to have, all the people you'd like to meet, all the characteristics you wish you embodied.
Done? No, because you're an asshole. Go back and write them down. Seriously. I spent a fucking long time writing this post for you - I explain my point in several different ways, from different angles, because it's fucking important to me that you get the help you seek - you can take four minutes to write down some reasons. Open up your text editor and get to work, reddit will still be here when you get back. Don't get distracted. Do not trust your memory - write them down.
Okay. Look at those reasons. It's a list of things you want to be, do, and have. Ask yourself: Do you have the freedom to become, achieve and obtain those things, through your actions?
You were afraid to write some things. Maybe you thought "fuck a thousand people" was unrealistic. "Become emperor of my own country". "Go to space," "Own a castle," "Fly with the Blue Angels," "Be a real life James Bond," "Write a novel," "Be able to talk to anyone," "Start a religion," "Meet Daniel Craig." You're wrong, go back and write your "unrealistic" things down too. People have done them, you are physically capable of doing them. But are you free to do them?
Right now, you've decided to believe the answer is "no". If it were "yes", you wouldn't have posted, you would have just gone out and done them. Let's change that "no" to a "yes".
If this problem is the one you truly want to solve, you must focus your attention on it and let nothing distract you. All things which might get in the way of you solving your anxiety and inferiority problems must be ignored, including some of your own beliefs, and including some things like Netflix and Reddit you would rather be doing because they're comfortable and easy. This will be hard work. You will feel incredible after it is done, and it will be done soon if you work hard. Do not waste time. Only through discipline can you achieve freedom - if you are spending time looking at cat videos, understand that you are removing the freedom to spend that time elsewhere. You will not get that time back. It is forever chained to cat videos.
You must not fear. There is nothing on the other side of fear except failure. Failure of inaction is much, much worse than failure through action: you learn nothing when you do nothing. Make every attempt to socialize in every situation, even if it hurts, and even though you will fail many times. Experiment until you figure out, trust that you will figure it out.
Optimism will not help you, neither will pessimism - if you believe things will work out okay no matter what, or that things will go to shit no matter what, you have resigned yourself to the whims of a random God and decided not to act. Only activism will help you - the belief that your actions will affect positive change on the outcome. This is true for all things you want in life, including "how do I make friends", "how do I start a business", "how do I become President", "how do I get a job," "how do I get an A in this class," and so on. Strengthen your belief that your success relies entirely on your actions. Strengthen your belief that you have the ability to make good decisions in the future. Strengthen your belief that the worst that could happen is something you can handle. Do not fear boredom, isolation or embarrassment if they are in service of your growth as a human being.
Seneca recommended taking brief periods of time to deliberately live in rags and eat very little, to steel oneself against the fear of poverty. In our modern era we have developed many new fears, all of which can be eradicated in similar fashion. Fear of boredom. Fear of isolation. Fear of missing out. Fear of hunger, fear of gaining weight, fear of being unattractive, fear of looking dumb, inexperienced, uncool, fear of not being happy enough, not having enough interesting Facebook posts, and on and on. If you have these fears, face them. Physically write them down, then write down ways to mitigate or prevent them, and ways you could recover from them if they come to pass. Realize that these fears are controlling you and limiting your freedom.
Then it comes time to face these fears. Go out and talk to people. Find people that know things you want to know, ask them questions. Find people that do things you want to do, admit your inexperience, and ask for their help. Offer them something in return, and get creative - "I'll <help you with your math homework / trade you a bag of chips / get you that girl's phone number / level up your WoW character> if you show me how you <do this problem / throw a perfect spiral / make those cookies>". Do this with as many people as you can find, do not worry about making friends with each one, do not worry if they make fun of you, do not worry if they hate you - the goal is quantity. Learn from your mistakes, learn from your successes. Every time you fail to take the action - going to a meetup, going to a party, talking to a stranger, joining a group activity - you are restricting your own freedom.
Understand: you are on your own. You can build yourself to do and be anything you want, it is up to the rest of the world to try and stop you, and they will fail because they are uncoordinated and lack self-awareness. The more you realize this, the freer you become.
Io consiglio vivamente il libro che sto leggendo in questi giorni: Robert Cialdini - Influence - The Psychology Of Persuasion.
Spiega molti meccanismi con numerosi esempi, copre anche quello di cui la ragazza cui fa riferimento OP è rimasta vittima.
Maybe not what you were asking for but my 2c, I think you should read this book - Easy Way to Stop Smoking
I smoked for about 20 years. A friend told me, "read the book, you'll think it's a POS, and that the guy is an ass, but you won't smoke again". He was right, 18 years and counting, without any cravings. I've suggested it to several others who've had the same experience. Nothing magical, it just reframes how you think about smoking.
The book is well known in the UK, less so here. About the author
Wow man! That's some dedication to a friend, just please don't get hooked yourself, it IS extremely addictive. As a quitting smoker, it wasn't until I got the wheeze at night that I really realized I had to stop.
Sure I felt like shit in the morning, but put that down to tiredness. I put a bad nights sleep down to anxiety (which is from memory somewhere back down the line why I thought I'd try it), and a cough down to something just coming up... Just passing the blame.
Props to you though man, I hope he quits soon, for both of your sakes!
Theres a community on reddit for your friend: /r/stopsmoking
and they will undoubtedly point you to 'the book'
If you smoke and want to quit there is a really good book called the easy way by Allen Carr. Just read the reviews if you’re not convinced.
Read Getting Things Done by David Allen. The things I like about the GTD system:
You'll notice that this is not a usual "to do" list in a few ways:
Hope this sparks a fresh idea for some of you!
Check out this book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up
Easy read. Its really helped me in my decluttering process !!
Sometimes I think I've created my lifestyle just to be a bummer at most peoples parties: I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't eat animals, I would dance...but for the safety of others however, I refrain
But seriously, this book is pretty highly recommended for folks wanting to quit smoking and looking for a push, I've known several people use it to quit
Some facts of life:
There's a really great book on this topic called The art of learning by Joshua Waitzkin.
I can not recommend that book enough, it's very short and easy to read.
A lot of people think of skills as, a "ladder". You climb this ladder step-by-step as you practise.
But skill is a lot more like a landscape, with hills and valleys, peaks and pits. Think of it like you are pushing a ball in this landscape. If you're pushing a ball up a hill, and stop midway. The ball will roll down and you have to start over. Some times in this landscape there will be plateaus where you can rest without the ball rolling down.
And sometimes you will play a certain style and reach a hills peak. How does one improve if you've reached such a peak? You have to be willing to walk down this hill, in order to climb a larger mountain. This means, you have to be willing to go down in skill, momentarily, in order to improve in the long term. But that's okay, because if you have reached one hill peak before, your legs will be stronger and better able to climb the next peak.
This way of looking at skill, also highlights how people can play with completely different styles, and do equally well. There are many hills and peaks - not just one ladder.
In short, what I'm trying to get at, is that to improve, you have to force yourself out of your comfortzone. Figure out what your weaknesses are, and turn them in to strengths.
> The key to pursuing excellence is to embrace an organic, long-term learning process, and not to live in a shell of static, safe mediocrity. Usually, growth comes at the expense of previous comfort or safety.
Just in case, you're interested: A slightly broader theory is called argumentative theory. An easy introduction is available from Edge.org.
> The one thing I can't find is effective tactics to deal with motivated reasoning.
There are quite a few tests, but most direct attempts have simply failed. This makes sense if reasoning evolved to help us win arguments.
The literature on persuasion – the seminal book is Cialdini's "Influence" – uses techniques to build trust, first.
If this is not possible, don't argue. Just stick to educating your opponent about your position.
You may also be interested in Robert Cialdini
Holy shit but your mom is emotionally abusing you. It's really hard to see when you're in that situation but I think you're realizing that as well. I'm so sorry.
Have you tried asserting yourself to her? This can be super difficult especially if you and your parents are holding onto the outdated parent/child authority relationship from when you were growing up and haven't really transitioned into a more equal adult-adult type relationship. It sounds from the background you provided that you feel very much like a child when interacting with them. This is very common for many young adults (but even older adults can struggle with it too!) and living with them is probably exacerbating the situation.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_Bhpkxb6RVKP8Y
Here's a book you should read that can really help you recognize when you're being emotionally manipulated, free yourself from the guilt that allows such manipulation to be effective, and allow you to assertively handle the manipulation. It can even help you assertively prompt your manipulators to be more direct and assertive with you, and consequently less manipulative. The book is called When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith. It's cheap on Amazon. The assertive skills of Fogging, Negative Assertion and Negative Inquiry could all be used to deal assertively and empathetically with your mother. It's beyond the scope of this comment to elaborate on those skills but I really do think you'd find them tremendously helpful for the situation you find yourself in as well as many life situations you are sure to encounter in the future. I can speak from personal experience as a recovering nonassertive person - this book could change your life! Good luck.
Do you feel bad about saying no to non-sex things?
There's a book that's literally called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty", if this is a problem in other areas of your life.
You are a pushover and your wife is world class bitch. Your such a nice man your not even capable to use the language required to tell us how she really is.
You have to be a level 99 thundercunt for a business to turn away money from a customer.
Your problem is your wife is a terrible person and steam rolls over your boundaries because you have a spine like a udon noodle.
Shes incharge of your life. Over.
Read them both.
Donot hide them. Look at their bullshit and laugh at them.
Always put yourself against opposition and never let up.
But above all make yourself stronger. The centipede is a predator.
Learn from the God Emperor, read based Dilbert Merchant, read Gorilla Merchant, take a break, stay focused, come back stronger.
thank you make sure to buy my book for more great advice
> You're a believer now, because you just did the movement.
You got love him pointing out all the stick figures.
I can't believe it's done so well on Amazon. Kudos, Nathan!
Yes! Here is my review
My Amazon review
>From Publishers Weekly (Amazon)
>Supporters will hail this New Age self-help book on the law of attraction as a groundbreaking and life-changing work, finding validation in its thesis that one's positive thoughts are powerful magnets that attract wealth, health, happiness... and did we mention wealth? Detractors will be appalled by this as well as when the book argues that fleeting negative thoughts are powerful enough to create terminal illness, poverty and even widespread disasters. The audio version of this controversial book, read by Byrne and contributing authors such as John Gray and Neale Donald Walsch, is uneven at best. The cheesy, obvious sound effects will not do much to add intellectual respectability to a work that has been widely denounced as pseudoscience. Mostly, this audio is hampered by its confusing and disjointed organization—techniques that worked reasonably well in the print version and the movie, such as cutting every few seconds from one enthusiastic expert to another, make for a choppy and somewhat bewildering listening experience. The gentle cadences of Rhonda Byrne's breathy, Aussie-infused voice are certainly the best part of the audio, but her material is scarce and provides mostly connective tissue between the testimonials.
I'm guessing that's why.
Absolutely. I'm glad you asked and I hope I can be helpful.
I know it can be very difficult to stop consumerism within us because we've been advertised to our entire lives. We've been told that material possession equates to success and self-worth. The more we have, the better we are. You and I can read these sentences I wrote and recognize how stupid that idea is. Yet, advertising is so good that even the knowledge that we're being advertised to doesn't always prevent that same advertising from working on us. Advertising is based on exploiting human psychology. That's why it works. Just know that it's very difficult to ignore advertising on a subconscious level. We're only human. We will fail. We will make mistakes. Recognizing all this is a good first step.
It's important to practice desiring less. When you want something, stop yourself and think about it. Think about your motivations. Why do you want it? Is there a real justification for acquiring something? Is it a true need, or just a want? If it's simply a want, well, tell yourself you want it but you don't need it and move on. Try to thwart the desire for that thing at the source. Desire for a thing is like sexual lust... it's only human to feel that way, but you don't need to act on it.
It's a constant practice, desiring less. It's difficult. Possibly the most difficult thing a human can do. But desire leads to disappointment and suffering. Desire is temporary, but if we play that desire out to its end, often times the fruits of that desire can be disappointing and longlasting. But if you don't need something, if you don't desire, you're that much more free... "Nah, I don't need that." You become unflappable. More in control. But don't kid yourself... it's hard. Keep practicing.
If you're looking to get rid of stuff you already have that isn't bringing you happiness, I recommend Marie Kondo's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up." It's become quite a popular book and for good reason. It really makes you think about why you have stuff and how that stuff functions in your life.
If you want to work on internalizing the idea of desiring less, take a look at /r/buddhism. It's important that if you start reading Buddhist texts that you realize that Buddhism is more of a philosophy than a religion. Buddhism's main tenant is "freedom from desire is the path to enlightenment." It's a very deep rabbit hole to go down and a lifetime of study. For a more modern take on Buddhist teaching, I love Pema Chodron. I also really love Anthony DeMello and Jiddu Krishnamurti.
Another great place to look is /r/stoicism and in particular "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius. Aurelius was emperor of Rome, but that didn't stop him from living a life of equanimity and mindfulness. His book "Meditations" is more like a private diary, in which he reminds himself on how to live a good life.
“We need to master the art of acquiescence. We need to pay attention to our impulses, making sure they don’t go unmoderated, that they benefit others, that they’re worthy of us. We need to steer clear of desire in any form and not try to avoid what’s beyond our control.” -- Meditations, 11.37 (Hays translation)
I hope that this stuff can get you started on your journey. Just know that you don't need to be perfect. You don't need to flip a switch and completely change who you are to be a success at any of this. It's a process and it's a practice. Failure is okay. Don't beat yourself. Just try. Just keep practicing this stuff every day and it will add up. You can do it.
I found the Konmari method in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up to be very helpful. It was therapeutic to accept that it's okay to get rid of things that don't make you feel good (or "spark joy") when you wear them.
I had several dresses that were basically new, with the tags still on, but didn't fit quite right... I was holding onto them with a sense of optimistic potential (maybe someday I'll get them altered, maybe after I lose some weight they will work, it seems like such a waste to get rid of them). After I Konmari-ed my closet it felt like a weight was off my shoulders and I could actually see the clothes I wanted to wear!
For old clothes -- I had been keeping a lot of old shirts that used to look great, so I had almost sentimental attachments to them, but I hadn't worn them in years. The Konmari perspective is that if they felt good and worked well in the past, then they have done their job. It's okay to let them go if you don't enjoy wearing them anymore.
Free Epub link
YES! Congrats, so excited for you! I made this same decision 3 years ago (after smoking for ~10yrs), and can honestly say it was one of the best decisions of my life. Just get through those first 3 weeks and you're home free. Haven't had a craving for years, and that voice inside my head constantly telling me I'm a fucking idiot for smoking has long since been silenced. I mean, it still tells me I'm a fucking idiot for a whole host of other reasons, but not for smoking!
You seem to have managed to quit all on your own willpower, which is something you should be very proud of. However, if you do find yourself faltering or like it's too hard, I cannot recommend Alan Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Smoking enough. It is the only no bullshit method I've come across and it really really works.
Keep it up, you have no idea how good you're going to feel once you get over this!
Pro tip: Don't say "I can't smoke" or "I'm quitting", instead say "I don't smoke" and "I have quit.", especially when you're talking to yourself. If you say "I can't" you're telling yourself that you aren't allowed to do something. Which is something we're hard-wired to argue against. If, instead, you say "I don't", you are reinforcing the personality trait of someone who does not smoke. You are reminding yourself of who you are now — a non-smoker.
Read [Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking] (http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easyway-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1). Someone said on this subreddit, it did some "vudu" magic and he quit. I picked up the book, read it over a couple of days. I'm now almost at a week without nicotine, much much easier this time than previous attempts. I've smoked my last cigarette.
I'm betting this one: https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
I could be totally wrong, but I've had multiple patients tell me that this is what got them to quit.
Buy and read Alan Carr's Easy way to stop smoking, my friend. It will change your world. http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
Don't know specifics of what you're after, so I'll shotgun you with links:
Hopefully something was to your liking.
Note: An active /r/rational book-club would be awesome. Community analysis would help to improve our definition of rational fiction; as well as improving our rational reading skills.
i would be very surprised if that worked. people all have a sense of someones status in their heads. if someone tries to cheat and change their statuts without approval of the group they will penalize that. They will bully, gossip, hate, and that's not what you want either.
Here is a good (awesome!) social psychology lecture that explains how group status works: link.
The high status people in your group want to keep their high status. If you want to change your status you have to do it very slowly and carefully.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
>Influence, the classic book on persuasion, explains the psychology of why people say "yes"—and how to apply these understandings. Dr. Robert Cialdini is the seminal expert in the rapidly expanding field of influence and persuasion. His thirty-five years of rigorous, evidence-based research along with a three-year program of study on what moves people to change behavior has resulted in this highly acclaimed book.
> manipulating the process
who isn't manipulating the process? Gitlin certainly would like to, hopes the press will, and believes they can -- this is a pretty clear advocacy piece, is it not? read the final sentence should you have any doubt:
> If they don’t put down their softballs, if they don’t stop letting simple-minded questions substitute for serious exploration, they’ll share responsibility for enabling — and helping elect — President Donald J. Trump.
so let's not pretend objectivity is the goal. it is what Gitlin presumes is a convenient means to his desired end.
but that's where he is wrong. he either does not understand how influence works or is pretending not to.
as others have noted: "Facts don’t necessarily have the power to change our minds. In fact, quite the opposite." that's what the science says, and it's dead right.
it's also something dyed-in-the-wool journalists have known since the dawn of journalism. every piece is an advocacy piece, no matter what it pretends to be. and Trump is certainly keenly aware of that truth, even if Gitlin isn't.
Consistency. Check out the book Influence...
I thought it was interesting to see an item there called "Cialdini+2"
Robert Cialdini is the author of a book called Influence (clean link, no affiliate bs)
I read this book and found it pretty interesting. But I wonder what the hell the +2 means.
The summary of his main points in the book, from his wiki page:
Read Influence by Cialdini, it's the classic work on the subject. The first google hit is a Summary of it.
No matter what you think you know, if you haven't read Getting to Yes you are still in the matrix.
Your relationship to a woman is not an agreement or a deal, it is your experience of the effects and results of how you relate to each other.
Persuasion and negotiation are tools that enable you to set and maintain the terms of how you relate to people. Stupid people say, "I don't negotiate," which actually means, "I don't know what mistakes I've made." Some guys say, "it's take it or leave it," which is just one of many bargaining tactics.
Most women just use ultimatums and other tactics that reduce to bullying. Typically the hamster goes full retard when it is presented with trade-offs, but in RP terms, your BATNA is your frame, and there is a lot of subtle prior art written on the topic. See above.
Smokers only stop when they want to stop themselves. I find the best way to stop is reading Allen Carr's book.
If you want to help someone stop, ask them if they're willing to read a book with an open mind, and if they don't stop smoking by the end of it to not worry about it much.
Allen Carr even left a legacy of clinics that offer your money back if you don't stay smoke-free for the rest of your life after you're done with the treatment.
This is a great book : The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
There are also companion books for relationships and parenting as an HSP
> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.
This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.
> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?
You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.
On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.
> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?
Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.
Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.
There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"
The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.
> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?
Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).
Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.
> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?
The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w
Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.
If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.
A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:
Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!
I think a lot of people when they actually reach FI will be surprised that they encounter depression & a "what now" moment (or long series of moments). I personally had a long break from work recently, and it shocked me how surprisingly quickly I started thinking fondly about being at work.
I strongly suggest taking a look at this book:
It's a book which touches on education, work, but most importantly, what it is that drives people to feel like they're accomplishing something in life, feel satisfied, etc. I think it particularly applies to those of us who will leave the structure of work (which provides to various degrees those things for us), and now we're forced to generate our own structure to ensure we feel motivated & accomplished.
Specifically to you, I think if you found something you could be great at, working in an industry for a time to learn would be a great thing. It'd also help you appreciate your lack of requirement for working. Also, considering "not needing to work" is a terrible reason to "not work", you should start thinking about what you wish to accomplish with life. Video games & movies is a terrible way to spend the single life you have (in my opinion).
>I'm attempting to live a more minimalist lifestyle. I feel kinda burdened with clutter, and I know there are so many others that feel the same way, and want to start getting rid or donating some of it.
Ugh, I feel you! I HIGHLY recommend the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It is a short book (also available on audiobook) and it will change your life. Seriously. My home is soooooo much nicer now, even with two kids with tons of toys, our little house doesn't feel like there's too much stuff.
Thanks again for taking the time to do this, /u/VeganMinecraft!
If books/audiobooks are up your alley, Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up was good shit.
From her Wikipedia page:
>Kondo's method of organizing is known as the KonMari method, and consists of gathering together all of one's belongings, one category at a time, and then keeping only those things that "spark joy" (tokimeku, the word in Japanese, means "flutter, throb, palpitate"), and choosing a place for everything from then on.
My family could be on Hoarders, so it hit real close to home.
I know right?! I've been reading Kondo Marie's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" and it's been helping me with the decluttering and putting away. And thank you, I fixed the links:
And a bonus:
Use the KonMari method! I didn't realize until I read this book what 'organized' actually meant: Link
Reminder that you can buy the Movement ghostwritten book on Amazon
Carl Sagan, in The Demon Haunted World, laments the fact that 30% of Americans believe in alien UFO abductions. An overlapping set of numbskulls believes in ghosts, magical stones, homeopathy, The Secret and other bullshit. Not to mention religions.
I'll readily admit that in my youth I took a keen interest in the paranormal myself. As I grew older, I kept expecting people to proclaim exciting new discoveries and practical applications of psychic powers and such. The Russians were researching it; and so, of course, was the US military!
Well guess what: Uri Geller got his ass debunked, as did a few other famous "psychics," and all attempts to investigate the paranormal came up empty. For decades!
A concentrated, reasonably well funded effort turned up empty, and various charlatans were revealed. There you have the same story that's been fooling fools for millennia. All the evidence unearthed by decades of best efforts says: There ain't nothing "out there."
Good enough for me, and I find a physicalist world view nicely non-complicated. Rather than worry about any of hundreds of possibilities of stuff that could be, I worry about none, and give credence to none. And, having researched the topic to my satisfaction, I tell the woo adherents that they're wrong and stupid. But that's just my personal charm in action.
GTD by David Allen
I'm sure you've probably heard it before, but GTD seeks to solve exactly this -- getting things out of your mind and into a system that you trust so that they stop bothering you all the time and you can focus on just the task at hand.
There are two parts of GTD that really helped with feeling overwhelmed by inputs and afraid of loose ends:
My word of caution is that organization is a function of time and consistency. No app will ever be able to eliminate that (and some seem to just make it worse). I have a coworker who has 3,000 folders and subfolders in her email system. It's beautiful to look at, but I have just as much success finding e-mails using the search bar. Do yourself a favor and be judicious about how much organization is worthwhile.
Start out with a notepad and pen at your desk, when something strikes you or a task comes in. Write it down. Eventually the problem solver in you will kick in after about a week or two of doing this to develop a more efficient process.
Look in to stuff like Getting Things Done to help review organization systems that are out there currently.
Personally I keep my e-mail organized by folder and if it is unread then it means I need to address it. I always have a notepad or notebook for quick scribble notes, tasks from walk-ins and other stuff I can't type up quickly. Everything else is stored in Evernote (or eventually gets there) with major tasks set as reminders and a to-do list in that reminder note.
I thought The Obstacle Is the Way was a really good easy-to-read intro to Stoicism and I give it to people I know.
I got started with this version of The Art of Living and thought it was super clear and really easy to read. Everything else I've tried has been very hard, like you said.
Here is some advice with a degree of seriousness.
My two cents though is that using evernote or any online notetaking system is better. All of these systems come from the book Getting Things Done.
Here's a guide on using evernote in a more systematic way.
I'll describe my new system for time and info management that's been working well.
Keep a memo book and a pen in your pocket where ever you go. You could use a phone, but those run out of battery and generally take more effo
Basically information is going to be dumped on you the whole semester. You're going to forget stuff. Even if you don't forget stuff, you're going to waste time thinking about stuff that paper can remember for you. Use your memo to jot down everything you need to do, any important thought or action. Add it to a more permanent system later.
One of my memo book page might read like:
> 08 / 23
milkbought $2.99 breadbought $1.99
TODO: Do project 1 CS340
TODO: Study Python re module
TA Office Hours: Wed 3-4p
Batman's number: 555-555-5555
At night, I sort and add these to a system. Random thoughts and todos go into Emacs' extension Org Mode which I've been learning and recommend highly for those unafraid of a learning curve. Most people would enter these information into something like google calendar. Things like the milk that I purchased go into a finance program. Things like the Python re module I will decide at night whether it's actually worth my time or not (you should give yourself a little time to stew before committing to anything.) Things like numbers will get added to my contact book (emacs also makes this easy). The point is, all information is collected so it's not lost, and sorted when time permits so it's found easily.
Everyday in the morning I review my agenda (which org automatically generates. Sweet.) and sometimes I peek at it later if I think I'm forgetting something. I'm trying to get mobileorg working so I can just use that with dropbox to sync agendas on my phone.
Another rule that goes extremely well with this so you don't write a ton of useless junk in your memo is, "If it takes two minutes, do it now."
I'm still building this, and I'm reading through Getting Things Done at a snails pace, but a bunch of the above is based on that.
TL;DR: Keep a memo book and pen. Write down important items so you don't forget or waste time thinking about it. Capture all information and make it easily useful.
Amazon.com links provided:
1 The Slight Edge
3 The 4-Hour Workweek
4 The Art of Power
5 Thinking, Fast, and Slow
6 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
7 The Power of Now
8 The Power of Habit
9 Whatcha Gonna Do with That Duck?
10 The 48 Laws of Power
11 Your True Home
12 Ego Is the Enemy
13 The 4 Hour Body
14 The UltraMind Solution
15 The Dip
Read The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. You'll be glad you did.
The single best thing you can do to improve your health and to improve your running is to quit smoking.
/r/stopsmoking can help. Grab yourself a copy of Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking - it will help.
Because it works, and does make it easy, check out the 1300+ reviews on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0615482155/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1485386761&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=allen+carr%27s+easy+way+to+stop+smoking&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51VFUfekFWL&amp;ref=plSrch
Source: I quit 14 years ago totally down to reading this book, it changed my life for the better
I meant what's the point of saying what you did but I'll run with the conversation for a minute and elaborate. This may be much longer than I intended and I'm going to go do something soon so bear with my rushed thoughts. I'll give you some advice. It's possibly contradictory to a lot of the advice you'll read various places, and it might not make sense but roll with it for a minute. It's also possible I won't talk about Overwatch specifically at all.
Honestly, Gold is no better. You're just putting it on a pedestal in some sort of "grass is greener on the other side" thing. You're going to get there and be like, "these guys kind of aim better but they have to be even bigger idiots". Then you're going to want Platinum where people might be fun and more cooperative; once you get there, you're going to realize that it's still awful.
Let me take a step backwards and leave Overwatch for a minute. This book kind of talks about it, but when you're trying to learn a game or sport that is played in a competitive atmosphere, it is absolutely impossible to stress how important the fundamentals are. Fundamentals absolutely, by far, the most critical thing to work on and improve upon. Gimmicks will only take you so far and ultimately will stunt your growth.
This is apparent in Chess. There are hundreds of openings to learn, various tricks, traps, and other gimmicks. The Soviet Union absolutely dominated the international Chess scene for decades. Their school of Chess or approach was heavily focused on learning endgames. If you can't play properly with just four or five pieces, what can you do? Fundamentals are that important.
In StarCraft 1, Koreans dominated the game, way more heavily than they seem to in Overwatch, way more heavily than they do in League of Legends, and way more heavily than in StarCraft 2. How did they do it? They don't rely on rush strategies, tricks, or other gimmicks. They're absolutely fundamentally, mechanically strong. They just win against worse players because they're better. The details are an afterthought. Fundamentals are that important.
I see you post in Basketball subreddits. When NBA teams, the greatest Basketball players in the world practice, they're not playing real games. They're mostly doing drills and working on fundamentals, exercises, drills and very likely reviewing how other teams played recent games. Fundamentals are that important.
If you're trying to lose weight, it's actually really simple. Consume less calories than you burn. If you're at a caloric deficit, over time, you will lose weight. Don't look for trick diets, gimmicks that will allow you to still eat like a pig, etc. 70% of weightloss takes place in the kitchen. Fundamentals are that important.
Now, actually cutting back to Overwatch for a moment:
Why on Earth would it be any different? It isn't. Play better and you'll climb. Play worse and you'll fall. It's that simple. Yes, there are gimmicks, there are tricks. Find people to coordinate with and queue together. Avoid certain hours of the day when players are better on average (More applicable at higher SRs). For a few days, maybe a hundred games, you'll climb. Then you'll get stuck. You'll come back to reddit and you'll look for the next gimmick. Don't do that.
What to do instead:
The first thing you need to do is stop worrying about SR. Your SR absolutely does not mean anything. Nobody cares if you're 1500, 1750, 2000 or even 3000. It really doesn't matter. SR is a currency you spend to play against better players, and also a currency worse players spend to play against you. You know how sometimes you put money in a vending machine and the snack gets stuck? That's getting a leaver or someone throwing on your team. Shit happens. Don't let it ruin your day.
The next thing you need to do is stop giving a shit about your teammates. Don't worry about them. Climbing a ladder is never about individual games but rather consistency against a field of players across numerous games. The only thing consistent for you across numerous games is you. That's all you need to worry about. Anything else is a distraction.
The third thing you need to do is break Overwatch down to its fundamentals. Examples would be things like aim, ult usage, situational awareness, positioning, ult tracking. The heroes you play do not matter. The team comps you play them in do not matter. Work on those. People you're playing with and against have no understanding of the basic fundamentals of Overwatch. You have no understanding of the basic fundamentals of Overwatch. Work on those. As you start to get better at them, you'll climb.
You know the saying practice makes perfect? Absolutely 100% not true. Perfect practice makes perfect. There's something called deliberate practice and it's the fastest way to get better. Focus on one or two things at a time and just worry about practicing those. Get better at that and move on to something else. That's kind of where a lot of these tips and advice tidbits come from. Pick a small set of heroes, work on the fundamental skills such as aim and positioning, and you'll get better.
In summary (here's some very specific overwatch advice):
Pick three "simple" heroes. Do not play Hanzo/Windowmaker because they're complicated and somewhat different from the other characters. Do not play Tracer or Genji, they're mechanically challenging and and honestly, you simply can't play them well. Sombra is an edge case but I'd say don't play her. Don't play these five characters, ever.
Tanks: Pick one or two of Reinhardt, Winston Orisa(?). D.Va would be also fine.
DPS: Pick one or two of Soldier, McCree, Reaper.
Healers: Pick one or two of Mercy, Zenyatta, if you're really special, pick Ana. I'm completely unfamiliar with Moira, I can't comment on her.
You now have 3-6 heroes that are fairly "simple". Start playing them and focus on the fundamentals. Focus on the basics of Overwatch. Don't be toxic in chat. When you're higher SR you can start considering things like team comps etc and start working on more complicated heroes. The Windowmakers, the Tracers, the Junkrats etc.
I can almost guarantee you'll both be far more consistent and quite possibly pushing diamond by the end of this season or next season, depending on how much you're able to play. No tricky gimmicks, no fad diets, no shortcuts. Just strong fundamentals and you'll improve faster and peak higher than almost anyone else you come across in your competitive games.
Hope that helps.
I quit smoking cold turkey (didn't wind up trying vaping until now).
Two things that helped me tremendously:
Once you break down the mental aspects of habit and your mental framework for why you consumed nicotine in the first place, quitting and breaking the habits becomes much easier.
> Dating is 100% based on mindset
I'd like to introduce you all to a book by my favorite Mike
i'm going to go see the damned in May... very excited but i'm lowering my expectations in case they are olde gayes and stink of pupu
here, have a tweet.
and, tell you mom you don't need help speaking to people. tell her you're working through this.
The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene (also try his other books, utterly fascinating, beautiful pieces of work)
Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman
The Blank Slate by Steven Pinker
Leadership and Self Deception by The Arbinger Institute
Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury
Influence by Robert Cialdini
I could go on but these would have to be my favourites that come to mind which relate to what you seem to be interested in. Let me know if you want more suggestions :)
For what it's worth, nearly all contemporary research into persuasion disagrees with this view.
Once emotion is brought into frame (e.g. putting someone on the defensive), it's very difficult to appeal to reason using a logical argument. For example, odds are you're dismissing this comment right now.
If you're interested, this book is an excellent and well-sourced primer.
I got it for $8 on amazon
"The Secret" was written by a woman, Rhoda Byrne. Not the person in this article. Fail.
Cool. You might enjoy this.
Your problem is being unorganized. First you need to educate yourself, read the following book (text, audio avail.). David Allen has been writing it for decades and he is definitely the expert on the subject. Made my life easier for sure.
Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity
Learn more: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143126563/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_HRRBCbYP23V5R
I've heard this book has helped some who are highly sensitive:
also this search results page on utube has some info that might help you to feel more that you are not alone in the issue:
Your high sensitivity is not a flaw, as many would have you believe. It is an evolutionarily intentional genetic trait. An advantage in some situations.
One tip I've heard on reddit, is that when someone hurts your feelings, don't just hold it in; tell them with your words, how their words made you feel and specifically why. Doesn't work on everyone, but lots of people will apologize. Most people don't actually want to hurt other peoples' feelings.
I have always been highly sensitive. I have the crying issue too. It has lessened a lot as I age. I've become a bit more self-righteous over the many years though. When someone disses me these days, I tend to turn to anger more often than sadness, unlike when I was in my twenties. However when I can't express my anger, like with a customer, all I can do is focus on being empathetic of how much it must suck to be them, that is, to be an asshole. To have shit coming out of them every day.
-I genuinely feel happier thinking that at least I am not willing to say such asinine things that hurt others' feelings. Then I put on a fake smile, and go into ultra-professional mode. It is not thick skin. It is a mask. They can't see me, because I am not going to open myself up to them on a personal level, just going to say the professional lines that I am required to say, with a smile that isn't even real. I basically start acting a role, like a movie actor does. I couldn't be this way all day mind you, it is just until the asshat leaves.
-Skip to 35 seconds in this vid to see an example of me with my professional mask on:
I feel hate every time I hear someone tell me or someone else to "grow thicker skin".
There's actually an interesting literature on extrinsic vs. intrinsic rewards, and the upshot is often that getting paid for something reduces intrinsic reward, which can be a powerful motivator. Getting small amounts of money could, counterintuitively, actually disincentivize work on Emacs.
There's an interesting book on this phenomenon called Drive: https://www.amazon.com/Drive-Surprising-Truth-About-Motivates/dp/1594484805
I also feel this way about gift cards, but my opinion has shifted a little since I did the KonMari purge a couple of years ago. I'm much pickier about what I bring into my house now (with bras being no exception), and when I choose a particular brand of makeup or model of toaster oven or type of laundry detergent, only to be given something "similar" by my sister at Christmas, I very much appreciate the thought, but now am left with something I won't use and have to figure out how to get rid of AND am still without what I actually wanted. In that case, I'd rather have a generic gift card, but then I'm faced with the same opinion I've always had. The trick is to avoid making the gift card the object of the gift.
My husband and my mom understand the pickiness (he because he lives with me, she because she did the purge too), and if they gave me a gift card and said "let's go bra shopping", I would understand their intent, that they knew how complicated it was, and that it would be about going together. Spending the day shopping with them becomes the gift, with the gift card just a vehicle.
My husband has successfully surprised me with a bra once (and not just bedroom lingerie, that's a different topic), and it was another color of a bra I already owned in the same size. Since you know about the Aerie Sunnie bra and her size, I think that will work out wonderfully! However, I do think u/branita's idea is something you should hold onto for the future. I think it's perfect for this sort of thing, because the gift card isn't the gift, the experience is. It's still plenty romantic and shows how much thought and effort you put into the plan, and becomes about you doing something together, with a nice bra as a side bonus.
This book. Seriously.
This isn't quite a tip for daily housekeeping as much as it is a strategy for overall tidiness long-term, but I'm reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up on my Kindle right now and I just did the first stage of decluttering my clothes - and it's already made a great difference in how easy it is to stay organized and clean! I haven't finished it yet, but another good part about it is that it emphasizes gratitude for the objects in your daily life and it's helping me practice being more appreciative of everything. :)
Think of your goals with minimalism. What does your ideal life look like once you’ve minimized? You want to focus on relationships and that’s a worthwhile and common reason, but I’d encourage you to get more specific, and also to consider the practical reasons as they pertain to your health and lifestyle.
To give you a personal example, I focused on three things: saving money and curbing the need to ‘buy, buy, buy’, being mobile and able to travel while taking the important things with me, and to stay organized.
I work weird hours and I need to move frequently for my job, I didn’t want the hassle of moving a bunch of stuff I didn’t really need - you know, the just in case things and the never been used things. Because I’m usually sleep deprived I get scatter brained, so not having a manageable amount of items means I can’t lose them. Instead of duplicates which I’d end up misplacing I just have one of (almost) everything, and if it’s not on me it’s in its ‘home’. No more frantically running around and leaving for work I’m the morning having already lost my patience because I couldn’t find my eye drops.
I have some free time so I’ll just write you a long story:
It’s taken me years, but the catalyst was that when I first moved out I lived with a roommate who wasn’t very clean and we developed a pest problem and lice - I know that lice are not caused by hygiene, but her disorganization and disregard meant she didn’t address the problem in an effective or timely manner. I moved out abruptly to a generous friend’s place. I had a large wardrobe I’d accumulated over adolescence and most of it was hang to dry/hand wash, I sanitized anything that was dryer friendly and I put the rest in garbage bags for 2 weeks. I retrieved a single hoodie 15 days later and guess what? I re-infested myself.
I have GAD so I was at my wit’s end, I put all of my clothes in the dryer and a lot of them shrunk or started falling apart. I’d been housesitting prior to my first official move so technically I’d moved three times over the course of 5 months. I couldn’t find any of my things, I never had time to unbox everything or put it away, and I realized that my copious amount of stuff was impeding my ability to enjoy or adjust to my new space. The possessions I hauled with me were actually preventing me from feeling at home!
So I began a long process of discarding old items, by giving them away or donating them whenever possible. I also lost weight, so my remaining clothes were no longer very functional. At first I bought a lot of new things but ended up donating them again pretty often, and I started asking myself these questions repeatedly: with the things I have now, how stressful would it be if I had to move again? Why am I continuing to bring new things into the house and why do I feel compelled to shop?
I realized that having lots of clothes that only served one purpose (formal, casual, winter) wasn’t compatible with my lifestyle. Because I travel so much, I need everything to be versatile and easily washed. I realized I was buying a lot of ‘aspirational’ items, things I was anticipating I would use or bought with the intention of changing my style in some way, but I didn’t have a clear direction.
When I purchase something now i think about whether I really need it or if I have something else that serves the purpose, that I’m forgetting about. I don’t ‘go shopping’, I buy items when I’ve clearly established a need for them, and I consider what I’ll wear it with, where I’ll wear it, how I need to care for it, and ultimately the room it takes up in a suitcase. I research before I buy. Every time I go to a store I know why I’m there before I enter. I might see a new version of something and think, “I’d like that, but it’s not urgent. The one I have right now is good enough, but if/when the time comes I’ll upgrade to this.” Because I choose my things carefully I’m always satisfied and don’t really feel temptation. Impulse buys never happen unless it’s a gift.
I’ve noticed I’ve become much more resourceful, this is a minor example but a few days ago I went to use a tote bag a friend had given me, and it’s got a clear window on one side that I wanted to cover. I took a scarf I had and tied it to both handles, and secured it with a hair clip so it’s covering the window. It sounds trivial but a solution like that probably wouldn’t have occurred to me before, I would just think ‘I’ll get another tote bag’. Now I can use my free one and it looks really cute.
Instead of trying to impress others I impress myself by solving problems effectively, when I decide not to buy something because I spot a pitfall I give myself an inner high five - I’ve totally changed the way I see my things and where I get my excitement from, but that mental change has taken almost three years. After the whole lice/weight loss fiasco I got to a point where I had less than a dozen items and almost all of them were from the men’s section of value village (I’m female). I’ve literally rebuilt from the ground up.
Financially I have found freedom because I own everything I need to own, I only need to spend money on things when I need to replace or mend something, so hardly ever. I’m able to live comfortably with very few items because I don’t need a large wardrobe right now, and if my work setting changes I have the money to invest in new pieces - no need to worry about ‘just in case’. Instead I can take time off of work and contribute to baby showers, I sent my mother and grandmother a gift for Mother’s Day as it’s the first time I’ve been out of my home province this time of year. I know those things aren’t unusual but I have a good fund to draw from to do so.
My goal when I finally started rebuilding my wardrobe and overall collection of life tools was to reach a point where I had everything I needed, as I stated above, and only needed to maintain. That’s what I tell people if it ever comes up and it’s the honest answer, it’s also easy to understand and relate to.
I still like to have nice things, but instead of something just being trendy, I have items that are useful, aesthetically appealing, and over time they gain a sentimental aspect that I rarely ever developed before - when you use things often and have them for over a year you get that ‘favorite sweater’ feeling, only there’s just one sweater so it’s your favorite by default 😉I think it is important to value the things you have, you just have to value them for what they give/do for you, not because you think other people will value them.
This lifestyle/way of thought has been great fir me and my stress level. Just knowing where everything is has been a weight lifted. Not only do i not lose my keys, I know where my clothes are - drawer, laundry, on my body. I just have my shit together.
Hopefully reading this will be helpful.
Always have to spoon feed this shit into you faggots.
When I say no I feel guilty
No more mister nice guy
I hope you have abbs.
> I'm usually a people pleaser
You and me both. But at some point, the pleasing-other-people part comes at a negative cost for you. I found a therapist I liked and worked on being less of a people pleaser. I'd highly recommend you do the same. It's hard to not feel guilty, but it feels SO much better when you realize you have nothing to feel guilty over (especially here).
If therapy isn't something you're ready to try, there's a great book called When I Say No I Feel Guilty that you can read to help you get in a better mindset about things like this.
This is really good advice-- helps a LOT to spend the time in advance to find furniture that fits exactly.
If you have the time, read this:
Will really to reduce the trauma of throwing stuff out
This book was the tipping point for me https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308
I quit smoking after 16 years but I guess it's the same issue with chewing tobacco as well. Obviously you need to be in the right frame of mind but I read a book which helped loads. It's called Alan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking.
The problem with tobacco addiction (at least it was in my case) was believing I wouldn't make it a day without it. I'd smoke one minutes before sleeping and smoke one literally minutes after waking up.
This book basically takes every preconceived notion/argument you'd make (as an addict) and logically explains why you would make said argument and how to deal with it. Long story short, you won't have anything to defend your smoking addiction with after reading it. I gave it up 3 years ago and haven't felt the need to pick up a cigarette since.
OP, get the person a copy of the book. Ask them to read it with an open mind. 3 days is all you have to control for, after that it's smooth sailing. :)
EDIT: Also, don't substitute it with something else.
The book that finally helped me was Getting Things Done. Basically for me the art of breaking a task down into well-defined tasks I can focus on for a few minutes at a time really helps.
I like the tips by MaryMadcap.
I think personally I'd need some combination of a bullet journal + the techniques in Getting things Done . The lack of a "tickler file" really bothers me, plus a couple other techniques in this book.
While watching the bullet journal video, I thought it was going to be like analog/digital notebook + software that automatically organizes your tasks according to your preferences on your computer given what you write in the notebook. I've been looking into this space for a while, and have been disappointed by the lack of a good set of options (at least that aren't prohibitively expensive (e.g. $200+ ) for a partial solution).
For a taste, see this Ted talk by the author.
I would read this summary of The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. If you want to go deeper and read the book I would recommend either purchasing the ebook, which is only $3, or getting a free trial of audible and getting it for free.
The thing that you have to understand is that we are creatures of habit, and most of them are bad. The best thing to do is to get a pen and a notepad and every time you notice a cue for a bad habit, write it down. Simply being aware of your bad habits is a great place to start. Then I would read the summary and make a plan for being more productive. Everyone is different so you may want to read the book for more insights.
More books that come highly recommended:
Deep Work by Cal Newport
Eat That Frog by Brian Tracey
Mastery by Brian Greene
Hope this helps
You also may want to check out the Discord server of r/getdisciplined. You can find it here
You need to read this:
She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink
You're a tiny asshole. Your wife is going to see this as keeping your online friends happy while she is not. Like cleaning a fairly clean bedroom when the dining table is a mess.
edit: I somehow missed her manipulative tactic about "I'll find somebody else to have a coffee date with." Unholy fucking hell, dude. You also need to read a book called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. This is not okay way to behave to your husband (or wife for that matter), and points to a very selfish I'm-a-victim-always mindset.
Someone on Reddit suggested this book https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467492668&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=quit+smoking+the+easy+way
And after reading I smoked my last cigarette as the book suggested, gave my pack to some random guy that was walking by, and that was it.
Afterwards I loaned the book out to quite a few people and everyone of them that read it and followed the rules quit for good.
This is going to sound really dumb and jive, but get and read this book:
Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking. It is all about changing your mindset so that you are happy that you are quit. It really helps with withdrawal, which is far more mental than you might expect. I know this seems really dumb, but search this sub for mentions of the book. You'll see that a TON of people on here were able to quit after reading it. I don't care where/how you get it. Download it on kindle, buy an old copy, pirate it, whatever you need to do. I think it will help you a lot!
You are on your way and sound pretty committed. I think you'll enjoy the book and it can help you a lot. The book is about quitting cigarettes, but I think you'll be able to apply the lessons to vaping as well.
> he can't switch off from work and that stress really affects his sex drive.
He needs to fix this. If it's destroying his sex drive to the point that it's threatening your marriage, it's undoubtedly harming him in other ways too. I mean, I completely empathize to a point... I'm one of those people who has an impossible time switching off from work, and it's had many negative and positive consequences in my life. And I've started multiple businesses. While none have specifically resulted in a drag on sex drive for me, the overload from doing this has caused me to neglect various important aspects of my personal life in different ways at different times.
Most of the rest of the sub may want to tune the rest of this reply out, but, /u/lonelybutinlove, please keep reading, digest, and relay this advice to your husband. If I'd gotten this figured out sooner it would have made a big difference for me. Again, not sex-related in my case, but it's a cure for that nasty problem of not switching off causing you to neglect important personal stuff.
I know this isn't the topic of this sub, but I'd bet a handsome sum it has a ton to do with your situation.
He needs to establish a system where his brain is only responsible for doing, not retaining. It depends heavily on the person, naturally, but as a group our brains are good at picking up our next task, solving a small problem, and checking it off. We're not (globally) good at retaining the pile of junk we have to do in order to accomplish the larger project that problem is part of. When we keep too much of that in our head, we suffer in multiple ways. First, the need to keep state causes us to need to stay focused on the project(s) even when we shouldn't. You're seeing fallout from that. Second, it makes us less effective at knocking out those individual tasks. Third, because we're not really that good at keeping accurate state, we lose track of some of those tasks and need to panic to complete them. It adds up to create a big ball of stress that detracts from work and personal stuff alike, though we usually compensate to make sure that work stuff suffers less because, y'know, we need to feed our families.
The way out of this soup is to put together a system you can trust completely for tracking what your next steps are and for getting them in front of you when they need to be. When you can trust your system completely for the planning crap, you can only be "plugged in" to the thing currently in front of you. Other things come up, you funnel them into your system and keep going with the thing at hand. Your system is better at handling the planning/tracking/prioritization than your brain is, and freeing your brain from maintaining that state makes you better at whatever's in front of you. Be that work, personal, etc. When your system is reliable, you can decide to switch off from work without stressing because you know that the next time you look at your system, you've got the next thing you need to focus on in front of you.
That's a hasty summary. The thing to read to really understand this point is David Allen's Getting Things Done. It's an easy read and not a new book. Practically any public library will have it available, and it's easy to find and not very expensive. This book explains the principles of the system and gives many practical suggestions. It's completely agnostic about what tools you might use to implement the system. For me, the thing that's really made it seamless was The Secret Weapon Manifesto which tells about how to use Evernote and your calendar, in great detail, to put the Getting Things Done system in practice.
It's not a hard system to implement. And once you have it to the point where you can trust it to keep track of the things you need to do so that you don't have to devote precious mental capacity to that, it's like a fog lifts. And with that a whole pile of stress just goes away. As a bonus you get better both at your job and at maintaining all those things you need to maintain in your personal life.
Sorry if this isn't directly responsive to your post. I just see some parts of myself in how you describe your husband, and having some system is the key to fixing those parts. It doesn't matter if it's this system... though this is a good and easy one. But it needs to be one he can trust. This will knock out a ton of stress. I bet that helps him prioritize things you and your family need. If it doesn't, there's something else going on too, but you'll both like the improvement you'll see if you can get him on board with this, and it'll free up brain power to tackle whatever else might be in the way. Getting a good system lets you keep the positive consequences of being driven but gain the benefits from being able to switch off.
The solution to your problems is quite simple: make a list of things that you need/want to do, then just fucking do it. Yep, there, I said it. I know it sounds harsh. But after years of reading, researching, and experimenting, I've found that precisely this is what it all boils down to: just. fucking. do. it. We end up building all kinds of mental scaffolds around the concept, with tricks and rewards and what not, but it all boils down to the same in the end.
Having a system in place to help you "just fucking doing it" can help tremendously, especially in the beginning. If you're willing to put in some time to work through them, I recommend The Now Habit, and Getting Things Done. Each of these books presents a different approach to productivity. You don't have to implement either system verbatim. Learn from them, try out things that sound interesting, and over time, build your own system.
Building and sticking to your system is a habit you will have to build. If that kind of thing is hard and/or interesting for you, please read The Power of Habit.
Don't just read them once and put them away. Read them, then take notes, then go over them again, and refer back to them every time you find something is lacking in your system. Don't read them cover to cover. They're quite long, and drag their feet through some sections. Skim them, check the index, and read through what sounds interesting, then go back and fill in the gaps if necessary.
> I did not mean to blame a particular group of women. I just mean that it sounds to me as though women sometimes blame advertising for their insecurities.
But you are blaming a really large population (half the population of the world) - that's a pretty huge statement. And the irony is that you are calling women silly but doing so with lazy thinking - you haven't looked into the issue and haven't studied advertising, yet you feel qualified to state that they are silly for thinking it has an influence on them. Do you see the irony in that?
> I really don't know whether "men" overall are or aren't. What I mean is that in my experience, men are not as vocal as women about the social issue of ad-driven insecurity.
And considering that men aren't silent when they feel something is unfair against them - just check out the many whines of guys on reddit for examples, such as the 'nice guy' myth and the whole 'friendzone' thing for two of the most common examples. So if advertising was as prevalent in telling men they are fat/ugly/smelly/leaky, surely we would see the complaints. In fact, ads are getting more active in their attacks on men and you do see some complaints (in r/oney, usually) but this is a recent thing (in terms of decades) whereas for as long as advertising has been about, it's been harrassing women to better themselves with products to make themselves desirable and good wives. Actually until recently (and still quite often you'll find this) the authoritative voice in an ad is male and the subject of the ad is female - detergent ads tend to do this a lot.
> I had to laugh at myself on this one, because you are right. I am in science and if there is one thing I am always learning it is how ignorant I am!
And I work in marketing :)
> The point I was trying to make is that advertising is a supply-demand industry. If the demand wasn't there, i.e. if people stopped consuming it, advertising would dry up.
I thought it was pretty well known that in the last 3 or 4 decades, this just hasn't been true. We are not in need of very much these days, we have everything we need but marketing agencies create a false need... they create a gap and then they fill it with their product. Just look at the stampedes that have taken place over things like games, furniture, face cream - there is no need, there is no scarce resource... but the seriously clever and manipulative marketing agency has created this 'need' and 'demand'.
I think you would enjoy looking into the tactics of marketing; it's fascinating and really scary. A bit of a pop-psyche book but a quick read is 'Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion'. I recently read it as I want to know mine enemy so that I can arm myself :)
> Personally I choose not to "consume" entertainment goods that make me feel bad about myself.
Me too but I find myself having to consciously not look at the ads around me, not let the ads on telly come on (mute!), not read the ads in magazines, not look at the bilboards in the tube station while I wait for my train, not look at the ads in the train itself... they're everywhere and it's tiring, seriously. When I turned 30, I realised that the face cream ads were now directed at me and just added it to my list of things to block out.
The problem is that you need to actively block it out because passively, you will take it in. They are subtle manipulations.
I think what you are planning to say is pretty good. Be aware that you aren't going to be able to use a one size fits all answer for every situation you encounter (but there are probably less than a dozen answers that will fit 90% of your encounters with omnivores).
I want to correct your use of the term "door-in-the-face". The Door-in-the-face technique is a tactic for getting someone to agree to a moderate request by first asking them for something significantly larger that they are unlikely to agree to. An example of this would be asking someone to go entirely vegan right away and then when they reject that request asking if they'd at least be willing to eat no meat on Mondays. Using this strategy is often much more effective for getting people to avoid meat on Mondays than simply asking them if they'd be willing to do that.
Your use of the foot-in-the-door technique is also a bit off. This is a strategy for getting someone to agree to a large request by first asking them for something small that they would be much more likely to agree to. For example you could ask people to put up a small sticker in their window that says "I support animal rights" then return a month later and ask them to give up meat. They'd be much more likely to give up meat using this strategy than had you asked them upfront.
The book Change of Heart by Nick Cooney (the founder of the Humane League) discusses many more strategies like this for being an effective activist. Another excellent book that I read on the subject of compliance tactics is Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion although this one isn't specifically about animal rights activism.
Manipulation of the perception of scarcity (and artificial scarcity) is one of the oldest persuasion and sales tricks in the book, and it's particularly effective in fanatical sub-markets where collecting is a thing. Card trading, music markets (limited edition box sets, etc.) Act now, only 3 left, etc. Only going on sale at midnight, etc. All fucking stupid [trite sales tactics] (https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X) that date back to the mid 20th century and earlier.
This is a great synopsis. The goal of advertising is to make you feel at bad about your current situation, and to believe that the product offered will cure that sadness. It can be something mundane like floor wax ("my floor will no longer look like shit") or aspirational like an iPhone ("my boring life will become awesome").
If you get the target emotionally engaged, the next step is get them to take action, which is why so many TV ads end with "Call now at 800-xxx-xxxx." They don't want there to be any doubt about the next step.
The book Influence talks about some other ideas that help motivate action, such as:
I got interested in pickup because I had already read Influence and saw some similarities.
I recommend that she read Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. Even people with finely-tuned BS meters fall for all sorts of psychological tricks in very reliable ways. It's important to know about them beforehand so that you know when you experience them being used on you.
Or they think that after you've put in all that energy, you'll overlook it. There is actually a psychological phenomenon behind this that I read about in this book: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Basically, once you've put in the energy to do something, you tend to try to convince yourself that you didn't waste all that energy in vain. It's the reason all those infomercials give you that "if you're not completely satisfied, send it back within 90 days" bullshit. There actually is science behind this. Here's how these girls use it to their advantage:
Once I met a girl on okcupid that was really cute in her profile. But, when we met in person she was twice as big as she was in her pics. I wish this was hyperbole. She told me that those pics were from when she was spending $500 a month on a personal trainer to look hot for her high school reunion. I'm the lucky guy that got to date her six months later.
Needless to say, when I first saw her my initial thought was, "I wish I had explosive diarrhea right now so I could get out of this". But, after the introduction, my thoughts changed to, "Well, I might as well make the best of a crappy situation and try to enjoy the meal". At the end of the night, "You know, let's say she hypothetically offered me a BJ with no strings attached, I'd be down". And, as I walked her back to her car, "There's no way I'm going on a second date with her. I mean... at least not unless she begs for it". It's easy to see how I'd be paying child support right now if she played her cards right.
The movement: how I got this gym body by never going to the gym in my life
Also definitely watch the episode, one of the funniest. He got the guy on multiple local news channels. (Original task to make a moving company more profitable)
Two main elements, here:
First, set SMART goals for yourself.
Any goal must be:
Specific - Focused on one thing you want to accomplish.
Measurable - It must be clear whether you succeeded or failed.
Achievable - This is where most people screw up. Don't pick something huge. If you want to lose weight, don't start with, 'I will lose 50 pounds.' Humans are driven by short-term rewards. Set a goal to lose five pounds, not 50. If you accomplish that, set another goal for the next five.
Relevant - Pick something that you actually want to do or accomplish. something that will be meaningful to you and will make you happy, make your life better, or make someone else's life better.
Time-related - Specify when you want that goal to be accomplish. (When developing your timeline, remember to stay realistic.)
Set the bar relatively low to start.
Start small, start simple, and start one goal at a time.
Buy a whiteboard, stick it on your wall or fridge where you have to see it every day, and write your goal on it. When you achieve that goal, cross it off and write a new one underneath it until you fill up the board.
The second element is similar to the first, but a little different.
Keep commitments to yourself and others. Do what you say you will do, and abstain from what you've said you will abstain from.
Keep SMART (above) in mind, and make commitments sparingly. Your word is your bond. If you don't want to do it, don't say you will.
The most important person to keep commitments to is you (you cannot hide from yourself, and you are your own most ruthless judge). If you keep commitments to yourself for a while, you will begin to respect yourself (just like you would anyone else who kept their commitments to you).
Then treat others similarly and move forward one step at a time.
You can do this.
While I'm not usually big on self help books, you may want to check out the following books, which will help you in precisely the way you seek (I think):
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
The Speed of Trust
Both books deal extensively with principles of integrity and self-respect, and contained what I found to be extremely valuable information that helped me to determine what's important to me, why, and what I can and should do about it.
That's exactly what it is lol
There's even a book!
Is she referring to "the secret" as in The Secret?
I always laugh when Mormons latch onto the secret because it is one of the most atheistic ideas ever: that you can change the universe all on your own, just by thinking about it. It essentially removes any necessity of God and in fact proscribes his power.
>How the fuck do I practice and improve my body language and voice? How do I learn to be more expressive and charismatic? Can I learn via acting classes? Improv classes? Voice training? Etc?
This is what has helped me, anyway. IMO, #4 is the most important part.
Anything by Tony Robbins is good - I highly recommend going through his Time of Your Life audio program a few times.
Letting Go has some good content for developing a highly attuned sense of self-awareness.
The Charisma Myth is okay too.
I could go on about different books in this genre. These books are great starting places though.
Please find a good therapist to work on these issues. If money is an issue, look for "pro bono" or "sliding scale" or just ask if they have a sliding scale. You can also find some online only therapists as well.
In the meantime, you can read an old version of "How to win friends an influence people" How to Win Friends and Influence People
images.kw.com/docs/2/1/2/212345/1285134779158_htwfaip.pdf or you can find the new version that addresses social media on Amazon.
or this https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947
there are tons and tons of books to help you with relationships and talking to people. it just takes practice. you can do this.
This is good advice, but I don't think it's a very in-depth description. It's kind of like when someone asks for dating advice and people say "just be yourself!" Yeah, that's sort of right, but it doesn't tell you how.
Again, yours, and all the others' suggestions are great, but there is so much that goes in to cultivating a positive vibe, or rather, a charismatic vibe.
There are 3 Charismatic behaviors:
To be able create these behaviors, you have to be in charismatic mental states. A lot of things effect your ability to create these charismatic mental states, and you have to know how to manage certain challenges that come up that can throw you out of your charismatic mental state.
There are also different charismatic styles and you need to find yours.
You have to learn how to speak and listen with charisma, and you also have to have charismatic body language.
Any way, theres a book called The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. The book covers the stuff I mentioned above. This will cover ALL the stuff you need to give off charismatic (or positive) vibes
Getting Things Done
It took me years of seeing people recommend this book over and over before I picked up a copy and read it. I wish I'd done it sooner. I even got my boss to pay for a copy to keep at work, and bought a copy for my Kindle for home.
Getting into the GTD "groove" takes a while - losing old habits and forming new ones always does - but even if you implement his plan halfway and imperfectly, you'll be twice as organized and productive as you are now.
Say no more, fam.
You don't need a degree to run a business. Having your own business allows you to experiment with these books first hand instead of taking some professor's word for it. Professor's usually just read what the book says. If they were actually good at running a business they'd probably be doing that.
If you want to hire someone, you probably want a life coach. If you're looking for someone who will help you on many of these angles, that would be a life coach. Someone with a more detached, professional view of your life who can provide motivation, a sounding board, accountability, etc.
Now, seeing as you are broke AF, I'm not sure if a life coach is affordable. So if you want to DIY this, I have a couple of suggestions.
The value for you in Getting Things Done (GTD) is the initial collection, processing and organization phase, along with the workflow habits it can build. That initial process of gathering up all this stuff that has accumulated in your life over the past year you've been unable to work and deciding what you're going to do with it should be helpful in getting you moving forward again.
But where GTD kind of falls down in my opinion is in deciding what you are going to do and providing structure in how your organize your tasks. And I think both of those are provided much better in Agile Results. That system has a much more intentional process of laying out a vision for your year, month, week, and day that makes working through all your goals and the accumulated backlog easier.
The one that changed my life the most was Getting Things Done by David Allen. This book taught me how to turn all of my various ideas into concrete actions.
This book changed my life
Online courses are really hit or miss. Most college courses on "business" don't really teach how to start or run a small business. They either teach big business... how to work in a large corporation... or how to create a startup. Both of those are markedly different from starting and running a small business (even an online one).
There are some great books about starting and running a small business, though. Here are a few of my favorites:
Financial Intelligence for Entrepreneurs
This is an excellent book on business finances for the non-accounting types. I took accounting classes in college but never really got what all the financial reports really meant to my business' health. This will teach you what's important in the reports, what you should look out for, and how to read them. This is critically important for a small business owner to understand, even if you plan to hire a bookkeeper and accountant.
The E-myth Revisited by Michael Gerber
Awesome book about building systems in your business to really grow it to the point where it's not just a job for the owner. It's easy to read and probably one of the top 5 business books of all time.
Entreleadership by Dave Ramsey
This is a good book and covers several different aspects of entrepreneurship from hiring and managing employees to marketing, setting the vision, etc. It's hokey at times, but is a good read.
The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen Covey
Not necessarily a "small business" book, but easily my top #1 book recommendation of all time. It's hugely applicable to any professional, or anyone really. I re-read this book every couple of years and still get more out of it after almost 20 years.
Getting Things Done by David Allen
THE productivity book. Even if you only absorb and implement 25% of the strategies in this book it will make a huge difference in your level of productivity. It's really the game-changing productivity system. This is one of the biggest problems with small business owners - too much to do and no organization. Great read.
If you want to make it in anything, your attitude is the first determining factor. If you hold other people's opinions higher than your own success and emotional well being, you will always be one step away from ruin.
If you want to make it in art specifically, good news! You can completely do it without an expensive formal education. Believe it!
Start by reading Don't Go To Art School by Noah Bradley. He is a very famous concept artist who will tell you exactly why you can make it on your own. He also offers 'Art Camp' for free on YouTube that will show you how to be an artist/illustrator. I use his videos every day.
Now check out Bobby Chiu on YouTube, specifically his 'Thoughts and Philosophies' playlist. He will explain to you and bring you into the type of thinking that it takes to be an artist-- constant self improvement, constant seeking of knowledge, knowing that it will be your journey, and staying motivated. I always watch these videos while doing my digital painting, to remind myself of my journey and my WHY.
Now, back to your character. You need to develop a framework in your mind for how you view success. Some books that will help you do that:
This book breaks down how humans master skills and reach success. Using dozens of examples of masters throughout history (many of which are great artists). Most notably, you will see that not a single one's story does not include incredible failures. Every single one was a loser at one time, or they were hated or looked down upon. This is not an exaggeration.
This is a short and inspiring book. It explains to you the exact mental trickery that people use on themselves to remain distracted and unmotivated, especially in a modern world which is constantly detracting from our focus and making us forget what is important.
Start with this. It is not too much to manage. Look for these books at your public library, read the free article by Noah and watch the free videos by Bobby. These resources will help to rework your thought patterns.
Right now you are in a holding pattern of anxiety and being paralyzed by your circumstances. The only way to break this mental pattern is to think outside of it, expose yourself to ideas you have not experienced. SEEK knowledge that tells you the opposite of the anxieties what your mind is telling you.
I won't wish you good luck, luck has nothing to do with it. Only your actions turn thoughts into reality. Do it!
Mastery by Robert Greene
I have had this problem ... forever. I have it still. But I'm a lot better off now than I used to be.
I've learned that when you set a goal, you have to also accept all of the baggage that goes along with pursuing and also achieving it. Some of the baggage you can predict, and some you just have to find out through experience.
I think you're at a point where you're finding out through experience that stopping your goal pursuit is less valuable than continuing, or at least it's like that in a lot of cases which I'm sure you could name. Previously, this idea didn't click for you and all of the logic you could possibly muster gave evidence to the apparent fact that there was value in stopping this pursuit and moving on to a different one.
In my case at first, when I was younger, I reasoned that I was simply not finishing what I started and that was that. Later on I realized that wasn't it, I wasn't lazy, there was more to it. It's not like I just gave up. I purposely stopped because whatever I was pursuing was no longer worth my time - said my brain. But a lot of the cases, that feeling was placed right in front of my face by some other pursuit which, in the heat of the moment, seemed to be more valuable and worth my time. Like you, all of the logic I could muster left me with the same conclusion.
Now that I understood my problem a little better, I went through the exercise of identifying a host of reasons which were causing me to "stop".
It took me ... oh, lets just say years - YEARS to figure out what my problem was. But, for me, knowing the problem was the key to figuring out a solution which could help me change.
To save myself some time, and since I was sure someone else has put in the work to compile a nice laid out solution to these problems, I did a google and reddit search for solutions to fill in the spots below. I also had a little bit to say for each, but I'm trying not to hit the word limit.
In each case though, you'll find that your current thinking is probably backwards of what it should be. Being afraid of failure, afraid of success, and pursuing the flavor of the month are all backwards. Instead, you might find benefit in convincing yourself that you NEED to fail, you NEED to win, you NEED to keep going in your pursuit. This shift in thinking is pertinent - the people who don't stop seem to think this way so that's probably something you should do if you want to not stop as well.
Solutions to Rage quitting due to fear of failure
>Failure helps refine the path to your goal
>But what if you don't know how much is enough and how much is too much to bite off? That's where failures are useful. Learning through failures is arguably the most beneficial way to learn. One major benefit of failing is that failures make an emotional impact on the individual. At a minimum, you get emotionally imbalanced by failure. Nominally, due to that failure, you are driven to correct that imbalance by doing things differently in the future. However if you see that failure as the end-all, it'll only make you depressed. Try to understand that it's not the end-all; instead, try to understand that the purpose of the obstacle is help refine your understanding of your path.
>Here's one way to think of that obstacle thing: you're blindfolded and need to make it from where you stand, to the bathroom. How do you find your way? Via obstacles. The more frequently you hit an obstacle, the more refined your path. Stick those hands out and reach for obstacles. Move around to bump things and further refine your understanding of the path. Hit a wall? Then that's the wrong way, so turn.
>From that example hopefully you can see at least two things: 1) failure is a good thing and 2) frequent failure is also a good thing. The only bad thing is stopping entirely because when you're stopped, you can't hit obstacles; and if you were stopped for too long in the example, you'd probably pee on yourself. Hitting the obstacles isn't a bad thing, it's just something that helps you refine your path so that you can be on your way.
>Take inventory so you don't continue to fail in the same way
>The trouble in real life is sometimes you don't realize you're hitting an obstacle until that obstacle flips you upside down, takes all your money, takes your wife and kids, takes your health, and maybe even your life. Yes you've been failing frequently, which I already said is a good thing, but you've been failing in the exact same way, and frequently, which is a bad thing.
>The solution to this is to pay attention. You pay attention by taking inventory and realizing you're hitting a wall. In the blind-fold example, it's easy to take inventory; the nerves around your body send a signal to your brain which tells you, "hey you just hit something".
>One way to take inventory in real life is to keep a purposed journal. There are a million ways to do that too so, if you're interested, pick whichever way suits you. Another way to take inventory is to practice quiet introspection (meditation?) or mental reflection. The idea here is to take inventory on a regular basis so you can quickly figure out where the failures are. Only once you've identified that there's a problem can you go about finding a solution to it. If you don't take inventory then you'll be none-the-wiser then that invisible problem is just going to screw you over. Eight years? No, this could last your entire lifetime if you don't give it any attention.
>So take inventory regularly. Identify your problems. Once you identify the problems then you can work on finding solutions.
Solutions to win-quitting due to fear of success
There's baggage that comes along with success. It helps to identify specifically what the baggage might be in each case. For example, if you want to become amazing at something you're probably going to need to dedicate a lot of time to it. And if you do that, you'll probably miss out on a lot of late night parties and stuff like that. You're also going to have to neglect some people who hold you back, or even cut them off completely. That's just a quick example but the point is to identify the baggage ahead of time and then accept it. Identify all the things you'll have to sacrifice in order to be successful.
If you don't do this, then those sacrifices might catch you off guard. You might even up and abandon the goal in haste because you didn't prepare for all that extra baggage.
Solutions to lust-quitting due to something shiny
Imagine spending the time pursing one ambition instead of spending it on five or more. Of course you would be 5x's the expert at the one thing and only 1x's the expert at the others because you kept jumping from one thing to the next. That's one benefit but also mastering a thing, anything, gives you the mind needed to master other things.
Additional solutions which sort of cover all of these issues, generically. They're kind of diverse though, you've been warned.
I would say more, but I'm at the char limit.
Not sure if there were others.
You were raped by your husband and everyone around you is gaslighting you. Please seek therapy from a NON-RELIGIOUS therapist, and consider abortion. This marriage is not going to be healthy, there's no fixing this. Do you want to be tied to your rapist for the rest of your life?
Some books you might want to read:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Kindle Edition
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Or just the book "When I say NO I feel guilty" Great book.
WTF? How is it speculation? I live in a country with national health care.
Doctors quality is not directly tied to salary. Their salary is tied to supply and demand.
There are many many cheaper ways to get good quality health care other than to offer ludicrous amounts of money to some doctors. ( https://www.amazon.com/Drive-Surprising-Truth-About-Motivates/dp/1594484805 http://freakonomics.com/medicine-healthcare/ )
And, maybe you have missed all the rest of my comment, but even if you keep salaries of doctors constant, if you remove the rent earned by current HMOs, you get a ~40% cheaper system.
Modern motivation research has shown that such systems of reward actually lead to worst service overall.
Here's a quick article on a lot of the issues with tipping and how it doesn't improve service. Daniel Pink's book Drive compiles a lot of the modern research around motivation in a very accessible format. It covers the issues around tipping and why the system makes no sense along with a lot of other modern outdated practices.
Fellow market socialist here. There are a number of problematic assumptions underlying the question.
In the first place, you needn't accept the premise that risk-taking is inherently good and therefore "deserves" some sort of reward.
Nevertheless, let's contrast risk taking under capitalism with its market socialism counterpart. Under a capitalist model, if the owner's risk-taking succeeds, he may either pocket the success or recapitalize as he deems necessary. If he's a particularly benevolent owner his employees may, on a good spirited whim, see some reward, but this is unlikely and indeed, rightly so, says the capitalist--labor knew the terms of their wage agreement from the outset.
Now, if his risk-taking doesn't pay off, his employees will be the first to bear the consequences (think layoffs, relocations, pay-cuts, etc.), mitigating against any negatives he may incur. At the very worst, his risk-taking may land him squarely in the working class, on equal footing with his former employees (who are now also unemployed because of his risk-taking).
Alternatively, in a market socialist enterprise where ownership is shared among and managed by the workers themselves, those who take the risks and those who bear the consequences (good and bad) are the same.
As for innovation, which is a different matter than risk-taking, it's often, and today almost entirely, the result of collective endeavor and collaboration, built on the backs of the research of previous generations. The thought that there are singular, genius innovators who owe nothing to anyone and therefore deserve everything that their idea alone may potentially beget is idealist and Hollywood. This sort of thinking also mistakes what actually motivates innovators (autonomy, purpose, mastery). You can look to contemporary open source communities, or even public institutions, for evidence of this.
As a lifelong mild hoarder myself, this book was kind of life changing. It really helped change my outlook on "stuff" and using her method of decluttering worked way better than all the other tips I'd tried. The basic principle is that you keep only stuff that you actually take pleasure in owning and get rid of the rest. You tackle things in categories instead of room by room. So for an example we gathered up every single piece of rain gear we owned. Instead of hanging onto every random umbrella we would stumble across, when we saw everything together we got rid of the 4 crappy umbrellas we never wanted to use and kept the 1 large and 1 compact umbrella that work very well. She also has a lot of tips on dealing with the psychology of letting go of your stuff (saying goodbye to it, recognizing that you're letting go of the object, not the person/memory associated with it). It's really quite amazing.
But be warned, it is quite an undertaking once you get going. You need to dedicate real time to accomplishing her categories. And go in the order in the book! So start with clothes and easy stuff and keep the video games and anime for the last category (which is stuff that involves more emotions) for when you're more on a roll.
If you struggle with stuff I highly recommend Marie kondo's book, the life changing magic of tidying up
Otherwise! Keep it up! Your space will feel sooo much better afterwards!
Sorry, anytime someone refers to "the book" around here it's about this.
The community aspect is helpful for some. For me, the only thing that has gotten me off cigarettes for more than a few days is this book. After 3 quit attempts lasting between 6 months and 2 years, this one feels like it's gonna last (at like 3 weeks now).
You can do this.
When I quit smoking 11 years ago, I read this book: The Easy Way to Quit Smoking Some people really connect with this book, and others don't. I'm not debating that here.
The biggest thing I took away from this book is that there is always something to stop you from doing this - now: keto, then: stopping smoking - and if you let that something stop you, the addiction wins.
Instead, frame it like: "If I can do this now, it will be really easy for me to do this when this stressor isn't present in my life. If I can get through this now, I can get through this anytime."
Keep calm. Keto on.
And breathe every now and again.
I'm certainly not trying to diminish what you and yours have gone through - I wouldn't dare. But you can do this. This is one thing you can control right now.
This is a classic. Let me know if it works for you
Read This https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0615482155/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517986649&amp;sr=8-2&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=allen+carr&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=516L2FpKTGL&amp;ref=plSrch
It’s only 10$ and a pleasant read. I was laughing as I was reading it! They say it’s 90% effective. Don’t know for sure, but I can assure it rly made me quit with only the effort of reading! Whichever the real % is, It should include me and my other 2 ex-smokers friends.
This book is a must read for every smoker
I love how when you ask any ex-smoker, they'll tell you "Oh, I just decided it and quit!"... They never talk about the 20 failed attempts that came before.
I smoked from age 13 to 31. I quit three times after 2006. The first two times, I quit with the plan to become a social smoker. It didn't work, and I learned that for me, a single puff means I'm back to smoker status.
Third attempt, I decided there will never be a single puff anymore, and it worked. My help came from a book and a little motivation script I made.
As you can see, I'm close to two years now, and one thing is sure, I am not going back!
EDIT : If there is interest in it, I can fix an online version of the script for your own motivation (In english of course, and a little better laid out :D )
EDIT 2 : First attempt, I used patches, only to realize later that they are actually just making it harder. Seriously, this book is the best thing you can read to help yourself!
You got it!
If you're interested in consistently making more, a good place to start is Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. It's crazy what most people will do given the right triggers. We've worn out several copies of that book already.
I highly recommend Yes!: 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive, which is basically a simplified and actionable version of his more popular book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.
Note: I have not read the latter book.
PsyBlog is also great (not related to Cialdini).
And of course, How to Win Friends and Influence People is a classic and is still relevant.
Read Influence (http://www.amazon.com/dp/006124189X). People anchor to prices, so low-balling and high-balling are valid strategies to try to move the price.
I liked this one on body language and this one on persuasion.
Covers this topic, and is good material if you want to start practicing it for your own gain.
People use "brain washing" too freely.
My opinion is, people are too ashamed and scared to admit their own weaknesses.
Let me give you an example;
Bill Clinton. People love the guy. But here's the thing, a ton of people very much dislike his politics.
I forget the exact quote, but one of those people said, "You hate Bill Clinton before you meet him and after he leaves, but while he's there talking to you, you like the guy."
People can blame Scientology all they like, but I think it's exactly what the name sounds like; it's the religion of science. And it uses the science that everyone claims isn't a science, psychology.
Having a degree in psychology, and having had more people than I can count tell me I "should have picked a real degree," I can't help but feel a guilty twinge of happiness when I see people say things like "Scientology brainwashes people!"
No; they're using psychological principles to make you not only accept and like any horse poo they spout, but they change your beliefs. Brain wash? Pfft. They're doing what Bill Clinton does in his interviews.
It actually helps them that you claim they're brainwashing people, because it keeps people from learning the science behind what they're really doing (which just so happens to be my "worthless" degree). Words like brainwashing might as well be the modern day word for "magic," because 99% of people don't actually know what that means, or how people really change other people's minds. Another modern-magical word is "hypnosis." Everyone knows the word, and people are like "Oooo, magic..." but again, 99% of people don't know what it is or how it works. There are literal "magic shows" that have hypnotists, and people call things like that "mental magic."
Calling it brain washing is basically telling 99% of people, "It's not your fault. You couldn't help it. They used magic on you!" And for the people saying they were brainwashed? You notice how they never give real details about what the people actually did to them to "make" them want it? They might as well be saying "They used voodoo on me! I couldn't stop myself!"
Well you can stop yourself, it wasn't "brainwashing," and people want what Scientology has to offer because they're using science to make people want it (like Bill Clinton can control an interview on a supposedly Republican television network, and manage to look good, and make it look like everyone there loves him and he's in control). Even if they crash and burn as a religion, which I doubt, they'll make a ton of money in marketing.
If you're interested in the science, I'd recommend:
here you go
You need to get to a doctor, so that they can properly diagnose you and get you better meds. Maybe talk to your school nurse and try to convince her to write you a note that will help convince you parents to take you to the doctor. Maybe read some books on persuasion, to help you get what you need out of others. I liked Influence and have heard good things about Presuasion. You unfortunately will have to start taking care or yourself now. That might mean earning money so that you can pay for a doctors appointment, or figuring out how to get on medicaid. Sorry for your suffering.
Off the top of my head, here are a couple of fantastic Stoic books by female authors:
https://www.amazon.com/Art-Living-Classical-Happiness-Effectiveness/dp/0061286052 - very easy, great read
https://www.amazon.com/Stoicism-Emotion-Margaret-Graver/dp/0226305589 - very in depth but the best discussion of the subject that I've read
You're self-described as young so let me help out a bit here.
You're going to have to have a lot harder conversations in your working career than just letting your boss know that you can't cover a shift that you weren't scheduled for.
This is GREAT practice for that time in a low-risk environment. It also is a great opportunity to be very polite but firm about when you do not want to cover a shift.
I remember being nervous about it too when I was younger, but this issue you have is very very low on the list of hard conversations to have with your boss.
Your boss might even try to manipulate you into saying yes, and learning how to avoid this is another great skill you can learn.
https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 - this book is great if you want to learn how to be assertive and breeze through these conversations.
I highly recommend reading "When I Say No, I feel Guilty". It's really good to establish boundaries and be politely assertive, and not feel guilted by others' manipulations!
Oldie but a goodie: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Hey Pedes I've said it before, I'll say it again.
Just for those who may be caught up in the smoking and/or drinking trap, and thinking you're fucked cause you've tried to stop but can't. So you resigned yourself do doing your best to limit the damage --- BASED Alan Carr's books got me off both. GOT ME OFF BRAHS
First the smoking. It took me a month or so to really believe I was done smoking. I could get as drunk as I wanted and WOULD NOT SMOKE.
But then the side effect of that is is started drinking more. I would limit my drinking because I knew I would smoke. But once I was done smoking --- holy crap. And I live in walking distance to the bars. So yeah. I was getting bloated, and my body just was not happy.
So alcohol --- seemed impossible to quit. And a lot of people look at you weird when you quit or feel a need to use labels. Whatevs... I didn't need AA or meetings. I just needed to be convinced that alcohol is bottled misery. And it is. Now I go to parties and don't even think about drinking booze. There isn't even a temptation. Or to put it another way the temptation I have to drink is the same level of temptation I have to go to the bathroom and lick urinal cakes. Yet I still have a good time. It is so fucking wild.
You have so much to gain if you quit. Unfortunately with either, it doesn't feel that way and you can't imagine it. But trust a little. And you will be bigly rewarded.
Why the fuck would I lie? These aren't affiliate links below. I seriously want everyone to know what I know. Booze and smokes are just shitty traps, like an abusive spouse, they make you think you can't live without them. But that's bullshit. You can have your freedom and leave their sorry asses in the dust. Your freedom is your God damned natural born right. You can have it. Again, just trust a little. And keep an open mind.
Alan Carr should be a made a Saint. He's saved millions of lives. He's made my life better, my wife's and my boys. And I am sort of the fun uncle who found a little success, so my nieces and nephews are hoping seeing the point: Successful dudes don't drink. And maybe you are struggling. maybe you don't like that you're not giving the best example. But that's only because you been brainwashed into believe the big lies. You just need to be un-brainwashed. Once you are they have absolutely no power over you and when you see someone drinking or smoking, all you wish is that they knew what you knew. You really won't mind being around being with those who drink or smoke. You just know they want to stop but they haven't seen reality yet. And you won't lecture, as lectures didn't work with you, right? You already wanted to stop, you just didn't think you could.
Easy Way to Quit Smoking:
Easy Way to Control Alcohol (which will convince you you actually don't want to drink)
MAGA starts with you!
Eu am tot dat peste oameni care zic de Allen Carr este si audiobook, cica face minuni.
I suggest the following ... good luck
As someone who was extremely shy when he was young and is no more, here's my advice:
You are probably shy because you worry about what other people may think of you. That's the symptom.
The underlying issue is that you give away the power to determine what is right and wrong for you to do. That's fully yours. You decide what you do and it's nobody else's business. And that's it. You don't need to be rude or an ass. But you have your own opinion and that's your perfect right.
You may want to pick up this book: http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1325320969&amp;sr=8-1
As someone who has read through all sorts of self-help-shit about confidence, assertiveness training is where it's at. And this is the best book out there on that.
TLDR: The cure for shyness is assertiveness. There's assertiveness training available.
P.S.: Being gay has nothing to do with it. But given that you just found out you are, you probably have more important things going on now. I have no experience with that, but for the shyness thing, go for some assertiveness training.
Buckle up! In my teams, leaders are readers.
Here's a short list:
Oh and here is Lincoln Murphy's book list.
> I wonder if there's a genetic component?
Absolutely. As someone who is also very sensitive, and has worked with sensitive kids (though I don't have kids of my own yet), I am quite convinced there is a genetic component as well as an environmental component. You and OP might both find the book The Highly Sensitive Person interesting; there's also a sequel called The Highly Sensitive Child. While "highly sensitive" isn't a technical term or official diagnosis in any way, I find there's a lot in these books that I can relate to and some helpful tips, including the reminder that these can be very positive traits as well!
It's certainly possible that your son is more sensitive than most kids (maybe not "too sensitive"), but also is dealing with a lot of big emotions from your home situation. Hopefully the domestic violence counseling will include resources to help your son cope with that? Since he has seen out-of-control emotions from your husband, it may be hard for him to fully believe that others' emotions are safe and okay to be around.
Ha, that reminds me of the book 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by Elaine Aron. I should really continue it. Helped reassure me lots years ago but I never finished the thing.
You're gonna do great.
Read the story concerning Microsoft encarta vs wikipedia.
Watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc
Then read and comprehend this: http://www.amazon.com/Drive-Surprising-Truth-About-Motivates/dp/1594484805
I would not be worried about what the bankers are doing, obviously they see a threat in Bitcoin but firing up an altcoin will not work in the end.
It would be analogous to all the media and newspapers joining together and creating a second internet after the first one has been established.
This one is pretty good
BORROW this book from the library. Obvious and amazing.
I've really enjoyed "The Joy of Less" and "The life-changing magic of tidying up". I find that when I have less clutter IRL, my mind feels less cluttered and it's easier to stay focused on my goals.
I just got this book, which mostly emphasizes dramatically de-cluttering your life and only keeping things you really love/need. Less stuff means less stuff to clean!
I've done it so far with my clothes and it's been HUGE. Every day I look at my new, tiny little wardrobe full of only things I love and want to wear and I feel so much peace. It's easier for me to do the little chores associated of hanging my clothes too because I'm invested in that space and how nice it feels to have it "right". It's also not nearly as overwhelming because there's so little to organize.
Oh man, here's the book for you.
Basically it's about assessing your belongings and surrounding yourself with only things that make you happy.
I feel like the best type of organization is easy and intuitive.
In the past I've tried being extremely specific and keeping things meticulously organized/lined up - only to have it become a mess two days later.
I think it's easier if you lean into your messy habits - and use them as a guide to develop ways to stay organized.
Also, for tossing clothes you could try two things:
Check out this book. It's amazing. :)
Not a pilot, but will still be looking at your blog for the writing. Your review of the levels of learning was excellent too!
Keep on doing what you do, thanks!
Edit: Buy your GF this book to help her along her journey toward minimalisim.
Read this book, Getting Things Done.
Read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Do that before anything. Write out your goals in great details. Consider this book also, for getting things done. I would consider another shroom trip with the exact intention you have here. Sit in silence for a while, journal what you want to change, then trip. 18, however common, is a dangerous time to start depending on stims, and they won't give you wisdom. Especially if you don't have a plan. Sure, you'll probably feel great and may improve for a while, but its so damn easy for it to end up worse. There's countless stories of that. If you do go that route, I strongly believe in the advice that you plan out EXACTLY what you will do before you take stims. Also, hang out with people who are living the way you want to live.
Have you tried Todoist? That's where I went after Wunderlist :)
As far as GTD, you may want to read David Allen's book - https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280
It's very interesting and helpful.
You most certainly do not need PM software for your to-do list.
I struggled with this for a long time. I highly recommend Getting Things Done by David Allen - Amazon Link.
I ended up settling on MS OneNote to keep track of everything in my life. The desktop version is very powerful, and the mobile app is good for review and short notes on the go.
WARNING: It is very easy to go overboard with organizing with the GTD method. It took me a long time to get it running smoothly (David Allen suggests a full 2 years before you reap the full benefits), but now I have all of my Tasks, Projects, Someday/Maybe's, and various levels of Goals for work and home neatly organized and out of my head.
If that is too much here is a much more simple method for the short term. Grab a notebook and write down everything you have to do. As for prioritizing, pick 2-4 things you absolutely have to get done tomorrow and write those on a separate piece of paper. Repeat this daily.
Some would say I read too much, but I really enjoyed:
founders at work: Steve Wozniak (Apple), Caterina Fake (Flickr), Mitch Kapor (Lotus), Max Levchin (PayPal), and Sabeer Bhatia (Hotmail) tell you in their own words about their surprising and often very funny discoveries as they learned how to build a company. (This is one of my favorite books ever!)
the art of the start:Kawasaki provides readers with GIST-Great Ideas for Starting Things-including his field-tested insider's techniques for bootstrapping, branding, networking, recruiting, pitching, rainmaking, and, most important in this fickle consumer climate, building buzz.
the innovator's dilemma: Focusing on “disruptive technology,” Christensen shows why most companies miss out on new waves of innovation. Whether in electronics or retailing, a successful company with established products will get pushed aside unless managers know when to abandon traditional business practices. Using the lessons of successes and failures from leading companies, The Innovator’s Dilemma presents a set of rules for capitalizing on the phenomenon of disruptive innovation.
And in terms of getting your life together to the point where you are responsible enough to lead others, I would highly suggest Getting Things Done by David Allen
by Robert Greene
Use moving as your new workout routine /s
In all honesty, the few times I have tried moving by myself, it is humbling - I can lift a decent amount, but I find that moving things like furniture and boxes can be really awkward compared to lifting weights, and I can never really get a handle on it. Maybe try working on your grip strength and stability (e.g. via single leg/arm work), and using things like heavy sandbags in your training? For me... I've vowed to only use movers from now on.
> I would love to.
If that's the case, any barriers you perceive are just that- perception. Perceptions can be changed but that has to happen consciously.
This might sound like self-help guru bullshit (which I have a strong dislike of) but a shift in perception in 2010 completely changed my life.
You really can move back here whenever you want- if you REALLY want. You've just got to allow yourself.
If, like me, you're the kind of person who is grounded in science and proof, read The Answer.
If you have more of a 'mystical universe' view of the world, read The Secret.
Bottom line, if you want it, it's attainable, and it doesn't have to be at the cost of career, time, your passport or whatever.
I'll come meet you at the airport.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns is a great choice. It doesn't focus on SA but rather on anxiety and depression more generally but you can use the methods to approach social anxiety just as well.
There are a couple others which could help you muster up the strength ideologically, like Rejection Proof or The Charisma Myth
It all comes down to being consistent and getting a bit stronger, a bit less anxious day by day. I wish you the very best!
A good book on the topic is called The Charisma Myth (also available on audiobook, for those who can't read good). Marilyn Monroe was featured a lot in the book, along with several others (Bill Clinton too).
Charisma is definitely a skill you can learn, it isn't one of those things you either have or don't.
My all-time favorite Stoic passage has to do with obstacles:
"In a sense, people are our proper occupation. Our job is to do them good and put up with them. But when they obstruct our proper tasks, they become irrelevant to us—like sun, wind, animals. Our actions may be impeded by them, but there can be no impeding our intentions or our dispositions. Because we can accommodate and adapt. The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. "
To me, this is the most powerful idea in Stoicism. It's so good that there's an entire book written based on this principle from Marcus Aurelius.
What makes it so powerful is the idea that obstacles are not simply to be avoided and maneuvered around. They are to be used as fuel to advance action. Meaning you would actually be worse off if that obstacle didn't exist in the first place. And you're better off with the obstacle having been existed. Obstacles are not only to be neutralized, they are to be turned into an advantage, an opportunity to propel you forward.
I work in the marketing industry and every attempt I've seen to make something "viral" or "big" has always failed miserably. If you think about it, this is not how news is made. In reality, the idea of publicizing something suddenly changes too often, too quickly into an imposition that never arouses interest but rejection and makes one look like a religious preacher.
The best example of how stoicism can regain attention are Ryan Holiday's works "The Obstacle Is the Way," "Ego Is the Enemy," and soon "Stillness Is the Key." As he describes in his book on marketing called "Perennial Seller" (I can highly recommend this book to anyone who can't get the question of this discussion out of his head) and his first podcast interview at the Tim Ferriss Show, no one ever wakes up in the middle of the night sweating and thinks: "I desperately need a 2000-year-old philosophy from the antiquity," but people can't fall to sleep in the evening, because of the thought: "I need a solution to my problems very quickly." That's why Ryan wrote a practical book with concrete lessons & advice and not a systemic essay on the philosophical "school" of the Stoics.
It is said that stoicism is not the philosophy of the retired monk, but that of the worker in the marketplace; a person who wants to create things and pushes forward what concerns. At such places, Stoicism is really "taught". It's a practical philosophy which should be lived and shown by example in the work you do. And maybe after the work is done, you drink a beer with your colleagues and if the situation presents itself you tell them about the philosophy you're currently studying. This is how it reached popularity from the beginning, and it is how its representatives said how it was meant to be taught.
In the everyday business of the agency in which I work, topics related to stoicism often come up, as it does in any real workplace. If it seems helpful in solving the problem of the client, I give advice that I have learned while studying the Stoics, sometimes I even quote them. For me, these are the moments when philosophy comes alive and really leaves a lasting impression on people.
What of course can happen then is that someone can be a stoic, but he does not know it, because he is more busy acting righteously than wondering what his lifestyle could be called. This leads to the fact that Stoicism is less proclaimed. But this is what distinguishes this school of thought from so many others and makes me appreciate it so much: the primary focus of it, is that ist LIVED more than talked.
If I were to be given the choice of whether everyone in the world should know what Stoicism is or whether everyone should act like a Stoic, I would always choose the latter.
I trust that the things beyond my control, such as my fellow men understanding that philosophical action is the groundwork of a good life, will fall into places. And in my opinion, there already have been "successes", if you want to call them like that:
Ryan's practical books on stoicism have sold hundreds of thousands of copies.
Here in Germany, the author Ferdinand von Schirach, who is currently being hold up as the most important writer in the country, quotes in his current work "Kaffee & Zigaretten" (English: "Coffee & Cigarets", not translated yet), which until last week was #1 on the Spiegel Bestsellerliste, Epictetus, provides background information to the life of the philosopher and tells of his first encounter with the "Enchiridion." In another work, he writes: "Marcus Aurelius says that the purpose of life is right action, and the secret of life is life itself. I doubt that a man can know more than that, for me this is all."
So in response to the question of this discussion, I would say that we should diligently fulfill our duties, do what needs to be done, and tackle the issues that are affecting us. In solving them, the teaching of the Stoics will show through by righteous action, inspire people and thus spread by itself.
There's a great book called When I say No I feel Guilty. That really put things in perspective for me and helped me make progress.
One other thing to keep in mind. When you stop people pleasing, people in your life won't be pleased. That's totally okay and normal. Try not to fret as you undertake this process. And congrats and good luck!
Frame is a muddy concept that's able to be interpreted in multiple ways. It's hard to grasp because it means slightly different things to different people.
For me, frame is "the narrative a person has in their head about what's happening."
Different narratives can come into conflict; eventually, one will win out, when the other person starts to subtly accept the other person's narrative.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Never Split The Difference
How to ground out manipulation attempts (shit talking / tests).
i.e. fogging, broken record, agree & amplify, etc...
Vital skills everyone needs to learn on the road to maturity.
Check out: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith
Basic, easy to understand and use, real-world methods for dealing with manipulation.
Go easy at first, this power can be used for manipulating others too.
Hey OP, /u/ExoticPanther , shout out to make sure you see this.
Reading this book (among many others on TRP sidebar) really opened my eyes to just such methods and the reasons behind them.
I've added this: Doing the second week of sentence completion exercises from "The Six Pillars"
And doing less of this: Surfing mindlessly.
Not a book, but check out https://markmanson.net/boundaries.
I find that Mark Manson's advice tends to be pretty good on topics like this.
Also, he recommends Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, which we discussed in this sub.
Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking
Paperback or Kindle on Amazon: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0615482155/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_x_CABByb1B020ME
I used the exact same method as OP, over 4 years without a puff (or nicotine) now... Upvotes for everyone!! Enjoy your freedom, OP!
Good luck! If it helps at all, I quit smoking by reading this book and by taking Wellbutrin. The book helped me want to quit and the med helped me to ‘stay quit.’
The most important thing is to keep trying to quit. Everyone will have a different tactic that finally works. I read this book in one day, and I haven't had a cigarette since. (4.5 years now, from 1.5 packs of American Spirit Blues every day for 14 years) I have given it as gifts to other friends and it has helped. Maybe that will help. Biggest takeaway is that you lose nothing by quitting, and only have gains in EVERY ASPECT of your life. You aren't quitting anything, that implies you are giving something up, you are stopping, and becoming a non smoker again. Never give up, never surrender. Keep on ridin' - best of luck.
To anyone considering quitting please take the time to read the Allen Carr book. As a pack a day smoker it really made me realize what I was doing and quitting was honestly simple.
This might help him out if he struggles any. I've heard tons of people talk about how this gave them a different outlook on quitting. Congrats to you both!
AND down-voted for trying to help.
Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking.
Simply reading this had me quit and never look back after decades of smoking cigarettes. I used to even roll with tobacco European style, so nothing ever worked. Now tobacco free. I’m not a new age guy or anything... never used a self-help book for anything else. I’m a firm believer in this book. You don’t have to do anything, just get it and start reading.
“Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking”
FWIW, everyone is different. I quit 4 years ago and it seems bizarre to me that I smoked 30 cigarettes a day for 20 years. And I fucking loved smoking. But now it seems like that was something someone else did, not me. I have zero interest in it and no cravings.
As stupid as the title might be this book really did work. I scoffed at it for years while failing to quit multiple times. All it does is lay out like 10-15 different reasons why smoking sucks and then just restates them in different ways. Eventually a couple of them will resonate with you and give your brain something to latch onto. Don't get me wrong, it's still going to hurt, but it's only going to hurt for like 2 weeks during the physical withdrawal. After that, at least for me, the closest I ever got to another cigarette is that sometimes I wanted to want to smoke. I didn't actually want to smoke, I just had some nostalgia for that time.
The Easy Way to Stop Smoking
Tried to quit so many times before reading this. Truly easy.
My experience, smokers are big time deniers and carry a lot of shame about smoking. Perhaps this was not you, but it was me. I think you can help by remembering how hard it is stop smoking and accepting that this is his battle not yours. Blame, guilt,pushing & prodding tends to in-grain behavior not improve it. You can get him a book, Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking. From there it's up to him. As far as trust, if all your trust is buried in an addict's use you will be disappointed & unhappy. Maybe your relationship would be better served looking at all the other things.
Edit: This is why I think quitting together & for each other is generally a bad idea. It adds elements to a relationship that don't belong there.
Edit 2: Link to book
Squid and Dr. PP both recommend the art of learning, and the inner game of tennis and they're both godlike so I'd take their advice. Flow is really good too.
Something cool you could do is get into chess. I only played chess seriously for a few months really, but I feel like it gave me another angle to think about tactics and strategy in. Chess is really fun and it'll give you that same competitive brain feeling melee does without killing your hands.
/r/chess has lots of guides about how to get into the game and stuff. There's lots of cool websites now like www.chesstempo.com where you can do tons of tactics training puzzles that are really fun and make the learning curve for beginners a lot less steep than it was back in the day when chess books were the only option(which are great, but it's really hard as an absolute beginner to sit down with a chess book and actually make it through it).
If you're already like 2100 fide rated or some shit then just ignore this lol.
Check out The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzken. It discusses learning styles and various learning processes along with the overlap of chess and martial arts. Fascinating read from one of Marcelo's Black Belts (who has done much more outside of BJJ, of course).
Figure out what type of learning style you have, figure out how you best take in information, and then optimize from there. In the end, it is about working your strengths and allowing the fundamentals to fade into intuition. Fundamentals are key to understanding the larger game. Tricks, traps, and novelties serve short term needs, while a larger understanding provides more sustainable winning strategies and allow us to think our way out of difficult situations.
For me, that means my main goal is to close doors that my opponent may use to escape through the use of grips, pressure, and movement. I consider myself in "end game" when I am in a high pressure position that requires a single grip to maintain which leaves 1 hand free to set things up and enable movement. From there, I am actively working between 2-3 submissions. I don't know if I'm ever really "ahead" but rather I know what options my opponent has and what I can do to counter those. I've closed all but 2 or 3 doors and he sees a delicious cookie on the other side of each. I'm hoping he is hungry enough to want a cookie; please eat a cookie.
Then again, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to cut them out, I apparently find myself hungry for cookies when rolling with people better than me. :-P
I'm sure there are a bunch of people that would be willing to do their best at answering whatever questions you have on here. Obviously, coaching is complex and there are rarely easy or obvious answers.
As for books, the books that I'd recommend these days:
[The Art of Learning] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Learning-Journey-Performance/dp/0743277465)
[The Inner Game of Tennis] (http://www.amazon.com/dp/0679778314/?tag=googhydr-20&amp;hvadid=40113434767&amp;hvpos=1t1&amp;hvexid=&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvrand=4260322089310012087&amp;hvpone=&amp;hvptwo=&amp;hvqmt=b&amp;hvdev=c&amp;ref=pd_sl_8mdnpg1nf9_b)
[10 Minute Mental Toughness] (http://www.amazon.com/10-Minute-Toughness-Training-Program-Winning/dp/0071600639/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1426395408&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=10+minute+mental+toughness)
[Wooden on Leadership] (http://www.amazon.com/Wooden-Leadership-Create-Winning-Organization/dp/0071453393/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1426395634&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=john+wooden)
The issue with this line of thought is the lack of statistical awareness and self-progression. People who claim to be in ELO hell (a fictional place of their deluded nightmares) are simply not good. If they were, and they played more games, they would climb to their rating. Statistically, you will get placed exactly where you belong.
People need to focus on their inner game; stay calm, don't tilt, examine why you lose. I would recommend a fantastic book called The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin.
Influence by Caldini is better. Read it if you haven't.
If you are curious about that stuff you should check out the book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. He talks about cults and the mechanisms that are hardwired into humans that scammers take advantage of. https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X
A few I enjoyed
For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.
So a few thoughts that may help, relative to what you've just described:
Depending on your particular life experiences so far, it may be helpful to explore some resources on human psychology and particularly the science of persuasion. At this point, the means inflicted upon followers of both secular and religious interests are well-documented and easily accessible.
If you prefer a religious angle on it, this sub has an abundance of suggestions far broader and deeper than I can offer off the top of my head. If you're looking for an introduction that is a bit more general but equally useful, you might try reading Robert Cialdini's Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. It's a very accessible, interesting read that is widely available, and highly regarded. In any case, enjoy the journey. There's much to discover about the world, free from religion, that gives us hope and inspiration.
I'm going to piggyback on and recommend:
Influence: The Art of Persuasion
Many books are written from a sales person point of view of "here is how you manipulate people".
The book above is from a psychologist who looks at it from the point of view of "Here is how are minds are vulnerable to manipulation and how to protect yourself".
As a computer nerd that grew up in front of a computer, survived the dot com bubble, struggled through many failures and is now independently wealthy, these are the best books you can possibly read.
Book - Audio | Think and Grow Rich - Napoleon Hill
Book - Audio | Thou Shall Prosper - Daniel Lappin
Book - Audio | How To Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
Book - Audio | Unlimited Power - Anthony Robbins
Book | Influence - Robert Cialdini
And you're golden.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People
Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis
The 48 Laws of Power
Great list! I have read all the above and totally agree that their value is worthwhile to anyone seeking to improve their life -- regardless of financial status, relationships, profession, etc. A couple others that I've found useful along the road:
6. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by N. Branden. During the reawakening stage and after a particularly painful breakup, I found this book helpful. Learning the concept of "alone-ness" versus "loneliness" continues to drive many motivations.
7. Games People Play by Eric Berne. Want to understand why your plate/gf/wife went batshit insane over the stupidest thing, and how to counteract it in the future? Read this book. Want to understand why your coworker was making those strange comments to your boss? Read this book - a must for anyone wanting to learn more about game theory and its application to everyday life. (Next on my list is The Art of Strategy ).
8. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In many ways this is an antithesis to Freudian thought -- whereas Freud argued man is happy when seeking and obtaining pleasure, Frankl postulates that finding meaning and understanding is what makes us happy. In the context of TRP theory, meditating on, if not fully understanding, these concepts is absolutely necessary.
9. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. The seminal work on the concept and application of persuasion. From negotiations to dating/relationships to job performance, I would rank this book at the top of many lists.
A few other authors/books I've seen mentioned elsewhere that are worth checking out: anything by Kurt Vonnegut, The Art of War by Sun Tzu (which goes hand in hand with The Prince for a great East/West study), and Rollo Tomassi. I've also found some of Oscar Wilde's writing to be both amusing and insightful.
I read a great book about exactly that a few years ago. Here's an Amazon link. Great book.
Robert Cialdini I think. I'll find a link
Edit: here we go
Its an old book though - you can almost certainly find it at your library for free.
Also, check out "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion". It isn't directly focused on religion, but it was one of the books that made me aware of how I had been drinking the kool-aid of Christianity for so long, and led to my eventual deconversion.
He mentions persuasion several times and there is a lot of work on psychology on that topic: https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X
Trump has strong persuasion game, which is partly how I found out about the topic.
This is called contrast principle. There is a lot of info on this and other methods businesses use in this book:
[Influence by Robert Cialdini] (http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Business-Essentials/dp/006124189X)
Or the [free version] (http://www.iiit.ac.in/~bipin/files/Dawkins/July/Robert%20Cialdini%20-%20Influence%252C%20Science%20and%20Practice.pdf)
A Field Guide to Earthlings is the best I've found in print. From there I would read Games People Play, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, and strangely, You Can't Teach a Kid to Ride a Bike at a Seminar. Also, The Selfish Gene explains memetics well. (The mind from the view of ideas as self-replicators) The Authoritarians was very enlightening for people's illogical behavior. I also found some things I use at the CIA website, The Psychology of Intelligence Gathering which is a free online book. Finally, ChangingMinds.org is an excellent FREE resource. They have a book which makes great claims but the price was too steep for me to evaluate it.'
Mix in a little Dunning Kruger Effect and some Hamiltonian Spite and you get a pretty cynical, yet useful, theory of minds.
"Psychologists/Psychiatrists are people who generally act as though people don't have autonomy over themselves"
While people have autonomy, it's very clear that the human brain has programming that when stimulated a certain way illicits an automated response that is only really defeated by being consciously aware of what is going on. No one walks around completely mindful and aware of the manipulations on a day to day basis. Read the book Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion and you will get a better idea of what I am talking about.
Same goes for selling anything really. A great book to read if you're into things like this is Influence: The Psychology of persuasion, by Robert Cialdini ...
It discusses a technique like this where real estate agents will leave a high priced house on the market and take you to it first to see if you want to buy it (its just a setup)... after that they take you to a mid priced house that's close to the same, so you feel like you're getting a good deal because you're comparing it to the overpriced house without realization. Some very cool practical tricks in that book for selling and persuading.
Off the top, I have to say that I really don't like the tone of your post, it shows a lack of respect and ignorance for how much work and capital the owner of a company has to put in. Being good at business doesn't mean that you're the best technical carpenter or even a carpenter at all. It's like the typical restaurant feud where the kitchen staff doesn't appreciate what the wait staff do and visa-versa, while not realizing that one would not exist without the other.
Sales and dealing with clients is much more difficult than most give credit for. Knowing how to price things to make money, being able to work with all different types of personalities and keeping a level head under very stressful situations are skills we don't learn in the field. Not to mention the financial risk on every project, accounting, advertising, driving all over hells half acre to price jobs you might not get...etc.
All this to say, take a little time to research and learn what goes into the front end of a business that is successful. A few books you might want to check out:
1)Markup and Profit: A Contractors Guide by Michael Stone
2) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey
3) Profit First: Transform Your Business from a Cash-Eating Monster to a Money-Making Machine by Mike Michalowicz
4) Running a Successful Construction Company by David Gerstel
5) How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Most important though is to find an accountant and learn what goes into accounting. Of all the things that I've seen take down really good carpenters going out on their own, accounting is #1. They don't put money away to pay taxes end up in a robbing peter to pay paul situation, or just don't know what their overhead is to charge appropriately to cover it as well as make a profit and cover their own wage.
As far as how much capital to start out with, I'd say 6 months salary. It's always a good idea to have a least 6 months worth of operating expenses as a capital reserve even while operating. It makes you less likely to be put in situations where you HAVE to work and end up taking jobs you shouldn't.
> Well there are plenty of positive reviews too
Re-rolling of "The Secret"
If all it took was to hope a thing happens and it happen then you wouldn't have that memory of that terrible disappointment you once had for that thing you really hoped for.
Ah, lei mal o editaste.
Mis libros favoritos :
Para entender que motiva a la gente :
(Este video es un buen resumen pero el libro vale la pena) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc
Sobre management en entornos creativos : https://www.amazon.com/Creativity-Inc-Overcoming-Unseen-Inspiration/dp/0812993012
Its more from a management and leadership in the workplace angle but Drive gets into some of these ideas:
The basic idea though is that at best rewards and punishments (carrot and the stick) only motivate someone to do just enough to get the reward or not get punished.
You could probably get most of the good parts from his TED talk : http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation?language=en
Supply and demand works if we are perfectly rational actors. But there is considerable evidence that we're not: see Predictably Irrational and Thinking, Fast and Slow. Salary in particular is known for irrational behavior. See the discussion of motivation in Drive or the short version in Daniel Pink's TED talk. Programmers are already fairly well paid and while I would certainly love to be paid more, I'm not convinced that alone would significantly increase the supply of developers.
The evidence for the talent gap is both anecdotal--every company I've worked at and many others I've interacted with complained extensively about lack of good developers--and some limited data (example 1, example 2), though it's not clear how to properly measure something like this.
Finally, I'm not sure that merely having 10x skill is enough to guarantee 10x pay. Perhaps in a perfect market with perfect knowledge and perfectly rational actors, it might be, but that's not how the real world works. You need not only 10x skill at your job, but also at turning that into money, which may be a completely different set of talents. For example, a 10x writer might make less money than an average writer if that average writer had their book turned into a popular teen movie. Similarly, the way for a programmer to make 10x the money is usually not to focus on salary (although there were some stories of Google and FB offering millions to retain some developers), but equity. And there, an exec-level programmer can get 10x the equity of a normal dev, though there is obviously a lot of luck as to whether the equity ends up paying off.
An article that summarizes the book pretty well. You can read the novel if you want some motivation to start cleaning.
Tips: Start with the clothes, and in an order from clothes->novels->paperwork->accessories.
The order of the clothes:
Tops (Shirts, sweaters)/
Bottom (Pants, Skirts)/
Hangable stuff(Jacket, suit, coat)/
Accessories(Scarf, Belt, Hat)/
I recently read Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing and I'm in love. The message, in short, is to keep only things that you truly love, and discard everything else.
There's a lot more to it, but that is the jist. I'd say read the book, get inspired, purge the towels, and then everything else. I was so inspired reading it I couldn't wait to start cleaning :)
It's this awesome practice outlined in this book by Marie Kondo. Honestly it's an organizing / tidying up book but it's so spiritual for me! Once you start you can't stop and I promise it works if you do it her way. I love it!
This is very common, but I found Marie Kondo's book to be very helpful. I appreciate the joy that the item gave me, and the special times etc, but I don't physically need to hang onto it.
There are two things you cannot manage:
What you can manage, however is:
This is an important distinction. You can marshal your internal resources (thinking, speaking, and using your body) to create change in the world, i.e. you can manage your actions. Responsibility-wise & time-wise, you have to go to school & each hour ticks by regardless of anything else, but the way you use your internal resources to take action on your commitments over time is the name of the game.
So what you really need is an effective action-management system. Check out GTD:
GTD is a bulletproof way to manage internal commitments, i.e. the stuff you're on the hook for. It does this in two ways:
A lot of procrastination comes from simply not knowing what to do next in any given situation. GTD resolves that by:
Effective time management really just means doing your work first and playing later, and to do your work using an effective action-management system. GTD is the most effective action-management system I'm aware of; it has a bulletproof, complete, A to Z system available for you to use. It's not easy to learn, but if you bother to put in the time & really adopt it as a lifestyle, then you'll have an extremely strong productivity foundation in place for the rest of your life, not just high school!
I don't remember many of them, but I'm quite sure you should start with David Allen's "Getting Things Done".
My fiancé read Getting Things Done. The difference in his stress levels before and after reading this book is night and day. Definitely recommend.
Getting Things Done
I have a problem with absorbing WAAAYY too much info. I cant always turn it off either. Someone recommended this book and it has helped me a lot!
I was so excited when I found her work, too. All my life I thought that being “sensitive“ was a bad thing… It’s so wonderful to reframe who you are in your own mind
Her book is really good:
I purchased a book a few days ago when I found out it was real personality trait that apparently 20% of people have. I'm hoping the book goes in depth about the subject and explains some of the science behind it.
"Givers have to set limits because Takers will not".
-Some Reddit user a while back.
If you don't set limits and boundaries for yourself, no one else will.
There are two books that have helped me deal with similar tendencies. When I Say No I Feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Both are very good books based on sound psychological premises, as opposed to other books I read that were theology based. As a side note, theological books may help some people, they just didn't fit for me. I wanted books based on observation and scientific study.
More to the point, they help in identifying where you need boundaries and communication techniques and styles to help navigate the conversation smoothly away from those topics.
It's not necessarily an age issue, it's just personal boundaries but those are changed and updated with age. Since many people can view a passive person as someone to be taken advantage of, they target them and as we get older we typically acquire more resources that other people want. So more hands come out trying to take what you've earned.
It's shitty to have some of the closest people in your life trying to take what's yours, if you'll give it up. This will also mean that you're going to have some hard decisions about who will remain in your life. If the 'takers' cannot stop and be decent self sufficient human beings you'll have to cut loose of them. Some people of value may be cut loose, and in the end, it'll probably be better for both of you that way.
The breathing and walking is a healthy distraction. The problem with these videos is they don't bother to explain how/why it works.
When you're annoyed, frustrated, irritated for a long time and aren't able to relieve it, that starts to build up. When it builds up your temper starts to flare up quicker. That leads to anger outbursts. The anger is an attempt to deal with it. It's the fight or flight response. In this case fight.
When anger flares up that's the amygdala in the brain causing chemicals to flood your body. Normally, like after a close call while driving, you're able to calm down between five and twenty minutes. That's the amount of time it takes the chemicals to finish washing through your body and disappear.
So in your normal everyday state, your rational mind is available. You can "think" and make rational decisions. When you get that jolt of anger, your rational thinking mind is temporarily overtaken by the anger. It's unavailable because the adrenaline and anger has taken over. When we scream at another car and flip people off without being able to stop ourselves, that's the influence of anger. Ten or twenty minutes later when we have cooled off and feel a little bit embarrassed for cursing and making hand gestures, that's our rational mind back online evaluating what just happened.
If we're not able to cool down, if our anger lasts hours or days and weeks, that's pent up anger that has become a habit. Habitual anger is what takes a toll on our heart and stomach and head in the form of headaches, stomach aches and ulcers, blind rage, etc.
So we want to work on lessening our daily charge of anger that's always with us. That's what exercising three or four times a week is for. Hiking in nature, anything you can think of that lest you decompress is good too. (Except gaming! Gamings is the latest, newest problem area for anger management.)
And we want to work on prevention. The second you start to feel frustrated and possibly getting angry, disengage. That's what pausing the conversation, breathing, getting a glass of water, going to a different room, etc. is actually for. Intercepting ourselves to dislocate the habitual anger response.
There are online classes (I'd recommend the 8 hour one). Books like Rage or the Anger Workbook for Men. You can grab a pen and get a notebook to keep a journal of what is happening. Write down what techniques you think would be good for you. And write down specific incidents that you've been concerned about and use what you learn to reflect on them. How could I prevent this from happening again? What steps could I take to intervene with myself so I don't get so mad and can control my reaction without popping a blood vessel...
If you'd like to pursue philosophical means of dealing with strong negative emotions there are a ton of articles online such as how to apply Stoicism, etc. Stoicism isn't to be confused with the stereotype of not feeling emotions. Real Stoicism is about truly listening to yourself and understanding your variety of emotions in relation to your personal values so you can make the best decisions even in turbulent moments. There are books like The Art of Living which is mostly Epictetus. Others include the teachings of Seneca and Marcus Aurelius.
Hope some of this helps! Hang in there.
I know how you feel. Been working on this myself a lot recently, exercise has been a great boon, stick with it a few weeks and you start to see the results and it feels good every time you catch yourself in a reflection. Seeing the progress on a consistent basis gives me that motivation to keep going with it.
I've also been trying to consciously monitor my thoughts, to try to catch them as they slip to the negative and force myself to a different topic before I start the downward spiral.
As weird as it sounds, Tea has been a big help for me as well. A cup or two of Green Tea in the morning and something soothing and non-caffeinated after work or before bed. I think it's the ritual or the schedule as much as the Tea itself, it kind of gives me checkpoints in the day or something. I don't know why it feels like it helps, but it really does.
I've also started looking into reading material to help me understand the way my ADHD affects my thoughts. Knowing that I have a predisposition to act the way I do makes me feel more in control of it, like it's something I can learn to overcome with effort. Right now I'm reading [The Art of Living] (http://www.amazon.com/Art-Living-Classical-Happiness-Effectiveness/dp/0061286052) because I'd seen it recommended in some articles I've been reading about ADHD and it's been helpful in keeping me from letting myself go to dark places.
Music has been a fantastic help as well, just having headphones on and music playing occupies enough of my brain to keep it from wandering unchecked. I usually go with stuff I already know and either sing along out loud (or in my head if people are around) or whistle.
What it really seems to be is to not give myself a lot of downtime, if I sit still or just piss away time for long enough, my thoughts eventually wander in a bad direction and that's when I start to fall apart. Having a list of things I can go to and say "I'm not doing anything, but I could x,y or z" then picking one and doing it, even for 5 minutes, seems to help immensely.
Been there. We all have. Keep that in mind too—the last thing you need is to feel down on yourself for being human. Remember that in some ways, you're just a machine wired to feel this way. Know how your machinery works, and you can make it work better.
For now focus on your next action and task at hand—but when you're out of this, two books:
Here's a quote from the 2nd one that is relevant to you at this moment:
> Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird."
That's what I tell myself every time I have a gigantic task to do. Bird by bird. It reminds me to just take it one step at a time.
*edit: Ah, I have to share this one too... next paragraph after that one in "Bird by Bird"—
> E. L. Doctorow once said that "writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." You don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.
For dealing with e-mails and various scraps of paper, I recommend reading Getting Things Done by David Allen. For organizing any long term tasks or projects, I recommend The Project Success Method by Clinton Padgett.
Other than that, I would recommend trying to go paperless as much as possible. Purchase a good scanner like the Fujitsu ScanSnap and try to utilize smart phone apps that can convert images to PDF (such as CamScanner for Android). I would also recommend using services such as DropBox and Evernote to help keep notes and files organized and synced across all your computers/devices.
Just remember the key to a good system is something that is simple to use. If it takes too much time you won't stick to it and your filing system will begin to fall apart.
I quite like Getting Things Done but it has a few drawbacks. I'll paste in one of my older comments about the system.
>One of the most commonly recommended systems is called Getting Things Done.
&nbsp; A while back David Allen wrote a book describing his system for Getting Things Done. Unfortunately the system doesn't really take a lot of explaining so to get the page count he needed Allen included a lot of what many feel is fluff. If you like the system and want to get a deeper understanding I would recommend the book, but if you just want to get your feet wet there are several sites out there that have nice quick start guides.
&nbsp; This is a nice site that explains Getting Things Done quite well. The site 43folders also has several nice blog posts on using GTD. One major drawback I have found is that the original GTD is very much based on a paper based system. Built for the classic office worker with a giant In tray full of papers. I highly recommend adaption to suit your personal needs.
Personally I use a notebook version of GTD like this guide here.
>I also now use google keep quite a bit for whenever I need to make a quick note. There are some other systems out there but I suggest looking at GTD first so even if it doesn't work out, you will know what about the system does not work.
Edit: I hate it when people change their websites all willy nilly.
Getting Things Done has helped me manage all the "stuff" i have to do.
Mastery by Robert Greene reminded me of it, this one went more in depth into the individuals and how they got to the point of making the groundbreaking discoveries that they did.
not a pose, but worked for me
This bad boy right here is what got my 30 year pack a day smoker dad to quit. Might as well recommend it.
I'm not a smoker but but I gave it a read as well and reading this still changed my life. It's a very powerful read and is very, very well reviewed by both critics and readers. The patch might curb the physical issue, but this really handles the mental ones.
Hey man, many of us have felt the way you did. Wearing layers in summer, avoiding people... all of it. You're not alone. We can help.
These things will make you feel better by improving your appetite, mood, and energy:
These things will make you bigger:
>2 cups whole milk
>1 scoop whey protein
>2/3 cup oat flour
>3 tbsp natural creamy peanut butter
>5 ice cubes
Blend until smooth and drink. It tastes decent--better than mass gainer, I'd wager--but feel free to add fruit or whatever you like. This is 1000 calories. That's probably too much for you to start with, so cut it in half. If the milk doesn't sit well with you, switch to Protein Nutmilk. This stuff is awesome. It has almost as many calories as dairy, but with much less sugar and 10g of protein.
An extra 500 calories a day will cause weight gain, and because you're consuming it before bed, you're not affecting the rest of your meals.
Start with that, do it consistently for a month, and then review. Did you gain weight? Great, keep it up. No? Come back and we'll re-evaluate.
You will want to start lifting soon, but let's get these things on track first.
If you google it there are free pdf's online.
It definitely makes you reframe smoking and a lot of us swear by it.
There is a lot of youtubers out there Necromaticer who are calm and informative and do good job at this. I think you should follow what fits your style. I recomend reading book called Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin it is one of very few books that changed the way I think about myself and how to use my abilities in the most optimal way.
You can be entertaining without being expressive. Look at some documentary channels they are entertaining without narrator getting exited about some battle that goes one a screen.
I've read a lot of business books in the past year. These include:
7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Rich Dad Poor Dad
Think and Grow Rich
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Secrets of Closing the Sale
How to Master the Art of Selling
The E-Myth Revisited
The Compound Effect
The Slight Edge
The $100 Startup
The Toilet Paper Entrepreneur
I have 4HWW waiting to be read, in addition to about 15 other books that are sitting there, waiting to be read.
The $100 Startup is very inspiring, especially for people who have no chance at securing a "normal" job (I dropped out of college). The Toilet Paper Entrepreneur is also very informative. But out of this list, by far, my two favorite books are The Compound Effect and The Slight Edge. #1 going to The Slight Edge. Read this book. Maybe it won't apply to everyone as much as it did to me, but it totally changed my attitude towards life.
Deep breath: "Hey Karen -or w.e-! Sorry I didn't reach out earlier. (hint: you don't owe anyone an explanation so don't volunteer one, IF she asks, say family matters, people don't dig deeper on those) I'm afraid this person was only doing this for a favor since I got camera issues last time, but he's not really available for more work. I will be able to take these pictures, though! What's the plan?"
Now for the other thing, yes, you are doing what is called "catastrophizing", predicting the future, and coming up with all types of skewed thoughts that snowball. As you see one little lie can become a big pain in the ass, and your imagination ran wild inventing things that it had no evidence for. You need to realize that things happen and you need to work on killing the people-pleaser in you and learn to say "sorry, I'm afraid that won't be possible". Basically, saying no without feeling bad.
Don't lie, nor you nor people can always get their way. Maybe she thought he could do it, all you had to say was "oh no actually he doesn't really do that and he's a busy person, he was just helping me as a one-time thing" period.
Books to learn about CBT and Assertiveness could be useful for you. I recommend "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith, and CBT Made Simple by Seth Gillihan , I've read both and found them useful.
Read "When I say no I feel guilty" next, then follow up with "The Rational Male"
Take 30 days with a new attitude and find out for yourself. Don't hang your head, don't mope. Approach each interaction with the inherent idea that you matter and you will see what I'm talking about.
Some good reading too:
How To Talk to Absolutely Anyone:
Six Pillars of Self Esteem:
Nathaniel Branden - The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
I succeeded 3 years ago with a combination of Allen Carr's book and the r/stopsmoking sub for support. I failed numerous times to quit before then because I didn't recognize how much of a psychological battle it really was.
Started smoking shisha tobacco at 16. Pipe tobacco at 18. Progressed to half a pack a day by 23. My apartment I'd been living in for the past 3 years looked like a poor fuck's private hell. Beer bottles everywhere. Ashtray overflowing. Chainsmoking at 1am in front of the computer.
After a while I wondered what would happen if I just straight up had a heart attack. Like what if I was chilling in my room and in the middle of a cigarette I just up and died in my chair, falling backwards into the river of spent booze. No one would find me for weeks. I'd just rot there while people wondered why I wasn't answering my phone or showing up at work.
It has nothing to do with your story but I just wanted to relate the feeling of absolute desperation, the need to get rid of something that is doing absolutely nothing positive for you. You can do it, you don't need it at all, because it doesn't help anything. Check out Allen Carr's book. That shit is for real. Good luck.
Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking: The Easyway To Stop Smoking I quit the day I finished reading and haven't even wanted one since. Other than the day I hung out with old friends I hadn't seen in years and we spent the night drinking, I had about 5 that night, I have been smoke free.
Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615482155/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_zN1XBbERMPFPP
not sure what book she mentioned, but this is what I used https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
also, come drop by /r/stopsmoking
I mentioned this in another comment, but I would recommend you to read this book. It's actually very helpful, which I would not have believed before reading it.
Wait, you're "sexfriends," or you're just friends? Here in Japan, "sexfriends" means FWB. As in, you're fucking, with no strings attached.
If that's the case, what's the problem? Bang her, and bang other women too.
If you're just friends and you're not fucking, do what makes you happy. Who cares what she thinks? You want to quit being friends? Then quit being friends. You don't need to give her a reason.
Don't lose sleep over a bitch you used to fuck. Go fuck ten other women and you'll get over it.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 an amazing book on assertiveness, more than just inter-gender dynamics. written by a psych who helped peace corp and the VA deal with difficult human interaction scenarios, written decades ago. but hugely helpful for the BP programmed nice guy who needs to understand why it's ESSENTIAL to have boundaries, be assertive and stand up for yourself.
it ties very nicely back into RP but in general is a very much healthy self book without being new-age-y.
As someone with his own self-esteem issues to work out, I found that this book came recommended highly. It's a long journey with lots of day by day, step by step mental work, but this seems to be one of the best resources someone could use to begin improving their mental state by themselves:
I am about halfway through it. It was published in 1994 but the author seems to be the foremost pioneer in self-esteem. It's eye-opening how well he can explain some of the most complex issues we can face. For ten dollars, you must check it out.
If you consistently expect the worst from every situation it's because it's your comfort zone and you're afraid of actually trying and it not being enough. If you go into every scenario expecting to fail, and you fail, it's okay in your mind because you already saw it coming. It's what you expected and it's what you've come to expect.
This is a self fulfilling prophecy. It is toxic. I'm 25 and I'm going through the same shit, it's something that every person struggles with so it's okay to not be completely sure how to fix it yourself. I've found being honest with what I actually want to do helps me define clear steps that I need to in order to reach that goal. It sounds like you're afraid to strive to be your best because that means two things: taking on liabilities, and gaining assets. Liabilities pose the problem of inadequacy, and assets pose the challenge of responsibility.
I highly suggest the book The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. It is the single most influential book I've read and I think every single person should read it in order to get a basic understanding of who they are as a person. Or just beat off again, what do I know?
Women are not a monolith. Are you attracted to the same qualities in people as everyone else? Nope. Are there women out there who go for those kind of guys. Yeah. Are there women out there who would be turned off by that kind of behavior? Yep. You seem to already know why you are using these ridiculous tactics, and it's not because you think they work. It's because you don't feel valuable enough to "deserve" attention and you need to pretend to be something you're not. I promise you there are people out there who will enjoy you for you. Aside from therapy, I recommend this. Best of luck.
The fears are self-fulfilling. If you believe that you're not worth it for any girl (for example), then you won't ask out any girl because you don't think you're worth it. Then you'll watch yourself commit a self-fulfilling prophecy and justify your failures as a confirmation bias. So if anything, it shows that anything you put your mind to can become reality.
I recently have gotten to a really bad point in my life that I called a suicide hotline and they told me about the book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. It's really interesting and intuitive on where the logic of self-esteem comes from, and the book covers a lot of detailed accounts of what self-esteem stems from, how its perpetuated, and how you behave with certain esteems (both high, medium, and low self-esteems). I'm still reading it, but the book has spoken to me already.
People who are needy or codependent have a desperate need for love and affection from others. To receive this love and affection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their boundaries.
u/ADHDthatsME listen to this advice and read that article. Establish your boundaries. Six Pillars might help you, too.
I would also recommend "The easy way to quit smoking" book, which my long term smoking friend used to stop and found it very helpful.
Worked like a charm for me. Sounds silly but it flipped my switch after 10 years and a few failed attempts.
Yes you can. Just spend 30 minutes every day for a month:
Becoming a non-smoker is going to be one of the best thing which happened in your life. This is especially true for those who have AS.
Good luck, stay strong.
For the smoking, I'd recommend Alan Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Smoking book. After seeing it recommended dozens of times I finally read it and quit two years ago. No nicotine at all since then.
I know it sounds stupid, but maybe buy him this book. I don't want to advertise it, but many people here report it helped them immensely.
I have read it and although I don't "blame" it for my quit, it helped somehow. It puts you in the right mindset for quitting, and if he really wants to quit, I guess that's a good start.
I recently quit using Chantix as well. The thing about Chantix is that it's not a miracle drug, it does an amazing job at helping with the physical withdrawal symptoms, but you will have to deal with the mental withdrawals on your own. Just make sure you are really ready to quit smoking before you start taking it.
I recommend reading, The Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr, it will really help getting your mind in the right place to quit.
Good luck to you! And don't be alarmed about the side effects too much, I have never experienced anything more than mild nausea.
Serious or Hilarious? Not at all sure, but just in case, this worked for me: 7 years smoke free (after 16 years/ pack-a-day).
The easy way to stop smoking - Allen Carr https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
I recommended this book to 2 people who recommended this to several more people and they all have completely quit smoking.
Read a book! It might sound crazy, but after that i completly lost my cravings for cigs. The Book title is: The easy way to stop smoking.
If you have interest in all at quitting smoking (and you likely do, since I doubt that you would encourage your kids (if applicable) to smoke).
Anyway, you should try this book. I did it and kicked my addiction a number of years ago! It's great. Best part...you get to SMOKE while you QUIT! :-D
I am an official English to English translator. I think what they are trying to refer you to is this book: https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
hey this is long, so feel free to take your time reading this, just don't ignore it cause i'm about to suggest something to you that might help your addiction.
first off, i hope you're doing well friend. i may not know you, but i do care. if you're feeling suicidal, i urge you to talk to someone. this is from the reddit suicidewatch faq.
secondly, good on you for throwing away the cigs. if you're having trouble quitting smoking nicotine, i suggest reading the book "Stop Smoking Now" by Allen Carr. if you don't mind reading a pdf version, you can use this, otherwise you can get a copy on amazon for cheap here. the great thing about the book is that it's short, only 100 or so pages.
if you have doubts about quitting through reading a book, trust me, i had the same doubts. you don't even have to quit right away, the book tells you you can smoke as you're reading it. it was incredibly hard for me to go cold turkey, until i came across this book. i tried lots of different things (substitutes like gum, vapes, even more weed) to help me quit, all to no avail. then i picked up allen carr's book, and by the last page i was done smoking. i had no need for another one.
the other great thing about the book is that i believed it helped put me in the right mindset to quit smoking weed. it might not work the same for you, but i highly suggest reading this if you're having trouble with nicotine addiction. if this book doesn't help, then read his other book which is also very helpful, link is here. it's a bit longer, but it goes even more into depth and solidifies the points in his first book.
NOTE: make sure to pay attention to all the points that he makes in his first book, otherwise you might find yourself smoking again, meaning you'll have to pick up the second book. that's what happened to me, but the second book still helped me quit. i thought that i could smoke a cigarette during a night out drinking cause it had been months past since my last one...
everything one step at a time
Just be careful, it's easy to fall down the rabbit hole of 'thinking you're being productive' but working ON things instead of "In" things. (Meta-procrastination is reading a book about getting organized instead of getting organized.) You should strive to have the simplest, most boring system that actually works for you. It's very easy to get caught up in the trap of researching the latest and greatest fad rather than actually doing the hard tasks that need to be done.
The 'classic' is "How to take control of your time and your life" by Lakein. This is the most generic, 1970s version of time management possible, but is helpful to understand as it is kind of 'responded to' by multiple other authors, even if they don't call him out by name.
Another frequently referenced work is "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Covey. This gets mentioned in a lot of places. It is a 'top down' style.
For a completely different perspective, try "Getting Things Done" by Allen. This will lead you to realize how many commitments that you have made. It is more 'bottom up'.
Finally, some of the most interesting stuff in this space that I have read is by Mark Forster. His latest book is here. And his blog is here.
At a high level, it is always useful to think about the utility of what you are doing - that is, making sure you are doing the right things, even if you are doing them slowly (working on your most important tasks), rather than doing low value tasks efficiently (man, I can read email quickly). Peter Drucker, Tim Ferriss (Four Hour Workweek), etc.
Other ideas/Books to research: JIT/Kanban, 80/20 'rule', "Eat that frog" by Brian Tracy. Smarter Faster Better by Duhigg, The Power of Habit also by Duhigg I also very much enjoyed. The Magic of Tidying up by Kondo might also give you some insight into cleaning out your commitments.
Hope this helps. I have read all of these so let me know if you have questions I guess...
List of popular task managers:
Omnifocus is the most expensive, but also the app with the most depth, functionality and support. You appear to not have gone down the rabbit hole of GTD and more advanced task management, so a subscription based application might be more suitable for you at this stage.
Not PM specifically, but generally a good book an keeping track of many things. Called Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity.
Have you had an opportunity to read this book yet? I'm asking because it helped me understand my upbringing, which sounds similar to yours.
The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron might be helpful to you. I'm sensitive too and I found it helpful to understanding myself overall in a more positive light. She has a test on her website you can take to help determine if this fits with what you're experiencing.
I'm an INFJ and a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) as classified from Elaine Aron's book. Growing up, I was immensely sensitive to other people's words and actions. I'm a guy and I look tough on the outside, but extremely soft on the inside, it was real brutal growing up, mostly because I couldn't cry or show my emotions in front of my guy friends. All that pent up feelings eventually led me to suffer from depression and anxiety.
You're a really good friend and I'm happy that you're helping her out. I thoroughly identify what your friend has gone through. Although that was when I was way younger in my late teens. How old is your friend?
I recommend you slowly introducing her to self-help books or nudge her in the direction of speaking to a therapist. Seriously. Unfortunately for me, I was a broke college student back then and was afraid of judgement to receive help from a therapist. If I had the chance to change one thing, it is to speak to a therapist. The reason I mentioned books is because it is a more affordable alternative.
I'm 25 now and I'm doing miles better. Peoples words still do sting, but I get better and better at tuning out the noise and discern between constructive criticism and just plain negativity. Coming to realizations takes a lot of life experience, and there's no shortcuts. The thing that helped me a lot was finding out about this community, reading self-help books, meditation, studying on stoic philosophy, and just putting myself out there - let people burn and roast you for whatever it is, and be comfortable with it.
Check out this book: The Highly Sensitive Person. It's wonderful.
I think if it were valued, people would be taught to not be ashamed of their sensitivity, would learn tools to use it for its best results, and become incredibly productive members of society.
You can be assertive without being angry. Book
This book really helped me. Essentially, just say no as politely as you can and drop the topic.
It's less likely, but depends on how good the security is on your router/wireless gateway. The other risks I mentioned are still present. Is there a reason the neighbor can't sign up for cell-based Internet?
Also, see https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/
> Refers to herself often as "the breadwinner..." ugh
Often when the wife outearns the husband by a high enough margin, she has a harder time respecting him which means she has a harder time being sexually attracted to him.
From what you wrote this dynamic seems to be playing out in your marriage.
> I always cave. Always. I have a running joke that she has never ever been wrong, because I always bite the bullet and apologize.
> Divorce, cheating, not options (kids), and she knows it.
So she can take you for granted. And because she needs sex less than you, she holds all the cards and has zero reasons to change.
You're walking on eggshells and avoiding conflict hoping for pity sex.
This is a very unhealthy dynamic but the good news is that you can stop it on your end immediately.
Read When I Say No I Feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Maybe some of these might help
Some suggestions for when you have urges: think about how it would feel after you finish. I always felt depleted and gross.
Get a book to read before bed. I recommend
But could be anything. That will keep you occupied, help you wind down the brain to fall asleep, and it's a healthy habit.
You could also pursue a hobby like art or a musical instrument, try some guided meditations, a cold shower, or some light exercise. I would look for something that doesn't involve a screen for your evening activity since that will help you get to sleep and it will remove you from a major source of porn.
Good luck and stay strong.
> fitness 'movement'
I cant do that, because I am lame, but this is where I got it so maybe that helps?
You can read the preview pages on amazon.
They missed my favorite... even took it down. It was a literary masterpiece.
The Secret saved my life!, December 4, 2007
By Ari Brouillette
Please allow me to share with you how “The Secret” changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of “The Secret” is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don’t want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I’ve never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of “The Secret”. Normally I wouldn’t have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn’t have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the “Law of Attraction” in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn’t exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 “The Secret to Relationships” that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.
The next day in the exercise yard I carried “The Secret” with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I’m not sure that everybody’s life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I’m very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.
Read more at http://www.inquisitr.com/14999/best-amazon-review-ever-the-secret-of-the-secret-is-a-shiv/#Gf4L0Xm2qxulxIFh.99
I would recommend this book. Really fantastic read. https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947
Leil Lowndes, who writes a ton of books on communication/shyness/presentations/generally being social, suggests making light of the symptoms, but not acknowledging it as shyness/nervousness. Make a joke about blushing or that your hands are sweaty, but don't tie it to being shy or nervous. I think that was from Goodbye to Shy.
As a sidenote, I've read quite a few of her books and they've helped me with my social awkwardness quite a bit. Also The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane is very helpful.
Check out a book called "The Charisma Myth" for starters.
Amen, brother. I felt that same way when I discovered the ugly truth. But I was already married. I'm extremely lucky that I married someone awesome who was my actual best friend and not an acquaintance of 2 months that I was too horny to not marry. You've still got lots of single time to self-discover. Just don't let it go to waste.
If you're looking for some very practical advice on how to not have so much social anxiety (including around women), I recommend The Charisma Myth and How to Win Friends and Influence People. I was angry at myself for reading the BoM 30+ times in my life and not having read either of these books just once when I first read them. Way more life-changing than the BoM could ever pretend to be.
Check out 'The Charisma Myth' by Olivia Fox Cabane. It showed me that charisma is a trainable skill rather than something innate. You can buy a physical copy on Amazon or download it here from bookzz. The bookzz version is only available in epub format.
It's hard, and the fear seems like sticky tar that won't shake off.
You're young and have an exciting long journey of improvement ahead of you.
The core thing to focus on is self-confidence, but what does that mean?
Confidence that you are good enough just as you are, because honestly, even though I know almost nothing about you, you really are. Learn to define your self worth from within, because there is literally only one person on this planet who has the right to define that worth. You can choose to define yourself by the irrational fear of how the 'other' perceives you, but what you're really doing is defining yourself by your own self-consciousness, which is in fact yourself anyway. Learn to love yourself and no amount of hate or doubt will crack your spirit.
If you're worried about your looks, then work on them. Not because others will like you more, but for the pure and simple personal reason that it will make you feel better. Get acne medicine, face wash, workout, and eat well. Always treat yourself with the advice you would give someone you loved.
The last thing you ever want to do is approach girls with neediness. It makes you nervous because there are stakes at play, and it bleeds through your body language. You said you're fine talking with other guys, probably because you don't need anything from them. They are not tied to your self worth as it seems you've done so for women. You need a girlfriend because everyone else has one, there's something wrong with you because you don't. Fuck that.
One last thing, don't put all the pressure on keeping an interesting conversation on yourself, it makes no sense to do this. Conversation is a two way street, if you ask an open ended question and they don't give an interesting response or enough material then that's not on you.
'What do you do for fun?'
"I dunno, watch movies..."
You'll feel pressure, don't fucking say 'cool...'. I've seen so many conversations die because of this.
The most valuable thing you can do is become comfortable with the pressure and silence. Fight the pressure to say something. In fact, do this, next time you find yourself in a conversation, or a group conversation, pause and count 2-3 full seconds everytime someone finishes saying something. Only then can you say something. It might feel awkward, but just trust me, get used to it.
The most interesting thing to most people is themselves, learn to become interested in that (what makes the other person tick) and conversations become naturally interesting. That's the important thing, what makes people tick. 'Oh you like rap music? That's pretty aggressive music, are you an aggressive person?'. The topic of conversation doesn't matter, because they are all avenues to get to know who the other person is.
EDIT: One last book...
Agree. An invocation of Mercury or a talisman of mercury should help.
But also: watch stand-up, practice talking to people, and read The Charisma Myth.
Here is the mobile version of your link
Thank you. Besides "The Meditations", here's another great book on Stoicism that you might find interesting: The Obstacle is the Way
Vicksburg has been stuck in my mind since I first visited it, it took probably a dozen books for me to fully wrap my head around it. I ended up telling the story at some length in my new book and used the marketing as an excuse to have this video produced. Hope you all like it.
If you're after a modern guide to stoicism, I liked The Obstacle is the Way.
Hey this is a good point. Cyber bullying is a crime and you might have cause to talk to the police about it. Nothing would shut someone up faster then having the police show up at their door!
But a more productive, certainly long term solution would be to completely ignore them entirely. Just don't acknowledge it in any way. Hate-based spam feeds on attention, giving them attention is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Better to let it burn out.
If you have trouble ignoring their comments, try reading some books on stoic philosophy. What happens to you is largely uncontrollable, reacting to it is 100% your choice. Check out the book by a modern stoic named Ryan Holiday who used stoic philosophy to fuel his meteoric rise to be the youngest director of marketing for american apparel ever, and his book called The Obstacle is the Way.
Get him to perform a small favour and he will like you:
There's also lots of articles on how to ask for a favour. For example, a request to take cuts at a photocopier only got about 60% success, but when you add "because" the success rate was 94%, even if the reason was stupid. Go buy this book
48 Laws of Power would be a great starting point.
You may also find some value in the likes of The Game for learning charisma and attractiveness. There's also a [pretty incredible TV series](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pickup_Artist_(TV_series) about the same topic. This scene is/was full of douchebags of course, but there are lessons here to be learned.
What Every Body is Saying for mastery of body language. This WILL change the way you interact with others, as you start to read what they are doing as they do it and respond accordingly.
The granddaddy of persuasion is Influence. I am reading this for the third time right now and it is just packed with powerful tools you can use in business and in life.
Oh it should go without saying that How To Win Friends and Influence People is essential reading for any entrepreneur. I use lessons I learned from this book every time I deal with an unhappy client or contractor.
Relevant Must read.
Hay mate, that way never works, you'll probably get a head of a lot of the nicer people out there, but people who lie, cheat and steal to get ahead it always ends up catching them in the end and becomes their biggest downfall, honestly never been the best course of action.
I think its why usually people are looking for other ways in creating successful businesses and why many are doing much better lately. Maybe its best to check out:
Remember any group/class/religion that claims to teach you about lying, cheating or stealing, is probably lying, cheating and stealing from you instead :p.
And this https://www.amazon.com/dp/006124189X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_dMmozbWME8S98
And for fun read, get Matt Beaumont's "e" and "e squared": https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/s/ref=is_s_ss_i_0_9?k=matt+beaumont&amp;sprefix=matt+beau
Also, get this for general knowledge of some of the great work done in particular medium: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1118101332/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_0Qmozb5TPRJCS
> I'm talking about products like iPhones, or expensive shirts, perfumes, etc. which can have a low cost of production but are able to be sold at higher margins just for carrying some "aura" of distinction (like a brand).
Symbolic value, if you're referring to persuasive techniques, can raise or lower the sales price a bit, but the overall correlation between labor time and price is still the only really strong relationship.
These arguments have been used ad nauseum, almost always if you'll notice for luxury items only, because they allow capitalists to ignore the aggregate (IE, huge numbers of people spending their labor time), and focus on the outliers, rather than labor time statistics en masse.
Of course they'll use every trick in the book (BTW I suggest everyone read the psychology of persuasion about this), to counteract the tendency of profit to fall, but IMO its value is more in creating a society obsessed with over-production and over-consumption, than changing the actual value of goods produced.
Its like saying that app that used to be available on the iphones that was $10k and probably took 5 minutes to code "disproves" the LTV. Yeah that happens, but when we look at country and industry-wide data, labor time is the best indicator we have for value, meaning money is ultimately a meaningless abstraction for labor time.
It's been long time since anybody asked me that. I love this kind of question!
Here are some key books that somehow represent how I think:
Something everybody should read (not about game theory, but about thinking and decision making):
A few specialised favourites from my shelves:
Not OP but this book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition was a pretty sweet read. Really made me want to go into the world more and see how much of this stuff happens to myself. Also reads pretty decently.
Here is what I recommend currently:
(You can get it free if you take the courses with out the degree)
Foundations To Advanced Topics:
(Neil Patel is one of the few Internet Marketers I would trust. He has successful businesses and is fairly transparent)
Books that can help you with marketing:
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Once you read this book you will see the techniques used everywhere in marketing. Once you understand the techniques you can apply them yourself.
The Anatomy of Story: 22 Steps to Becoming a Master Storyteller - Everyone talks about copywriting, but IMO most copy is written way to salsy and is obvious. I have had much better results using stories to sell and most of my sales pages use story telling techniques to bring the reader on a journey.
The Copywriters Handbook - That said, you should still understand the point of copy and this book does a good job. Once you know the fundamentals of copywriting you can sell almost anything.
What to avoid:
Avoid any courses that are selling Techniques or formulas (I.E: My Super Awesome Snapchat Method that brought in $5000") while most have useful information the issue is simple:
Formulas/Templates/Tactics will only get you so far and won't always work. Yes, some methods have been proven to work time and time again, but you are still better off learning the fundamentals of marketing and sales over reusing tactics and templates.
By learning the fundamentals you will be able to rapidly test and try new things to see what works and doesn't. This will give you more flexibility and success in the long wrong.
Most people sell courses around tactics because most customers want a lazy way to make money. Do they work? yes and no. There is no real answer - these tactics may work for you or not as there are a lot of things to factor in.
When buying a course check out the instructor. A lot of Internet Marketers only had 1 success before selling courses on the subject. If someone claims to be an awesome marketer and doesn't have more than 1 success as proof, something is wrong and most likely that success was a fluke.
Most trustworthy marketers normally will have a long track record of successes or at the very least have well known clients (Google/Facebook/Coke/etc).
TL;DR: Avoid tactics/templates/Formulas and learn the fundamentals of marketing.
Good morning Everyone,
Thank you for all the great comments. A little more about myself, I am actually not a fortune baby. I was brought into the practice 6 years ago through a mutual friend. After a year into the practice I started having doubts and having my district leader give me a portrait of Ikeda to add next to my Rabbits Foot (Gohonzon Alter) was creepy. They tried to keep me involved by having me join IYE (Ikeda Youth Ensemble) which is just really playing forever Sensei and a circle jerk. Around the same time I was in community college taking a social psychology class and read a book by ASU Doctor Cialdini on the Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion and learned about Jim Jones. I highly recommend this book as a counter measure to influence tactics. This helped me understand how people can be persuaded through pervasive means.
I decided to throw away my gohonzon box and scroll and guess what?? Nothing happened to me. I wasn't struck down by lighting and actually I was doing way better. I was able to transfer to a good 4 year university and graduate. They kept on pestering me for about 4 years about reconnecting me and finally I got fed up and said sure. I told them that I lost my gohonzon, so they gave me a new one during the 50K lions of justice movement. Within a couple weeks they promoted me to Unit Leader LOL. The guy who allegedly lost his gohonzon was appointed a leader to chant and care for 3 other district members. Today, I can't stand going to that monthly Kosen Rufu Gongyo where people watch the same recycled videos of Ikeda's meetings in the past. People in the audience still applause to a video of a plump Japanese guy they never meet, and who is probably dead. I am trying to tread lightly in leaving the org because I am concerned about stalkers. Any recommendations?
Fresh of the group line
Ikeda Sensei completes
"New Human Revolution"
in one week, September 8, 2018.
It's a historic moment.
Mmmmmm. first of all, how can he finish the series in the future, and second how can he finish the book if he is probably vegetated or 6 feet under???
Please discuss or post funny SGI internal communications on here.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Best book on dating ever. Even if it's really on marketing.
http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Business-Essentials/dp/006124189X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1346448057&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=cialdini+influence --- I have found this book by Cialdini on persuassion very interesting. When I read, I have aha moments when I understand how and why the strategies are so effective. An example is girl scout asking you to buy 5 boxes of cookies, instead of you buying 5 boxes which is a lot, you may compromise by agreeing to buy just one box. There is so many golden nuggets in that book. These methods are so effective, you should really have good intentions when using the tactics.
I don't know what it's called, but it's a kind of group reaction in that if no one does anything, no one else does anything. It happens in other situations, too, such as if someone is hurt (not necessarily because of an attack). People look around them for clues on how to react, but if no one is doing anything, they don't do anything either.
To break the cycle, someone needs to do something. So if you are in a situation like that, don't just make a general cry for help. Address a specific person. Choose someone, point at them and say "Hey, you, I want you to call the police/ambulance/whatever".
That's a great book on this called Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. I highly recommend this book, it makes so much of seemingly irrational human behaviour make sense, at least while you're reading it. :)
A few book recommendations if you're a reader (btw, you can get these USED super cheap).
How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie
The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions - Barbara and Allan Pease
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Robert B. Cialdini
These three books went a LONG way toward making me a much more likable, personable, and conversational person.
The advice in How To Win Friends and Influence People is absolutely STELLAR and so simple that anyone can apply it.
And paying attention to people's body language -- once you get GOOD at it -- can give you a hidden window into what they may be thinking at a given time, which can help you to make adjustments on the fly with how you interact with others.
And in Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, that's when you really get into the nitty gritty details of so many of the reasons why it is people do what it is they do. This information can certainly used for unethical purposes to further your interests, but instead I recommend that you use it for good and for beneficial reasons instead.
Seriously, READ these and your problem with interacting with others will be WELL on its way to being solved!
Some girls get turned on when they're afraid, some girls get afraid when they're turned on, etc.
And... let me dig this up... ah:
“Did you know your body can’t tell the difference between fear and arousal? The book Influence describes a study showing that people in scary situations will believe they are falling in love. The brain simply creates a story to explain the feelings in the body. And the story is wrong.” (From here.)
Some popular psychology books that are very well done:
Stumbling on Happiness by Dan Gilbert
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions by Dan Ariely
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Chialdini
Note: links are to amazon though any library or used book will do.
On Food and Cooking by Harold McGee
A Pattern Language by Christopher Alexander
On War by Von Clausewitz
Influence by Robert Cialdini
Rules for Radicals by Saul Alinsky
Improving Performance: How to Manage the Whitespace in the Organization Chart by Geary Rummler
Books by Edward T. Hall
Books by Edward Tufte
Books by Jiddu Krishnamurti
The Reflective Practitioner: How Professionals Think in Action by Donald Schön
let me know if you want more....
1.) Influence by Robert Cialdini
2.) Secrets of power negotiating by Roger Dawson
Totally agree with /u/AnnaBalena. Saying no does not make you a bad person. You may consider reading Influence Practitioners . It covers the psychology of creating the sense of obligation you appear to feel so strongly. It will help you identify when people are intentionally manipulating you.
You should be more specific about what you're hoping to learn. There are thousands of resources out there in regards to entrepreneurship, marketing, website development & eCommerce. You could find pretty much anything you want if you phrase it correctly.
You can just keep going from there.
The basics of what you'll need, assuming you know nothing (which I doubt) would be this.
Everything else you just figure out along the way based on how you want to monetize your audience and quite honestly, no book is going to help you figure that out.
You'll learn a lot more just hanging out on Reddit and watching YouTube videos on the subject matter that's next on your checklist. Books are almost purely inspirational at this point and I think we can agree there are plenty of Podcasts that will help you find inspiration (and skill), such as The Top (Nathan Latka) or Mixergy
If you study hustlers you'll get all the information and inspiration you could ever hope for. Read or watch anything from Noah Kagan (AppSumo). No one does it better than him. Ryan Holiday (not an affiliate link) is another favorite of mine. There are also some older Tim Ferriss articles that really talk about how you approach certain businesses.
Like I said, man. It's all out there. You don't need to pay $1 for information, you just have to know what to look for and if you listen to a few podcasts or read a few beginner articles you'll figure out pretty quickly the steps you need to take next.
Some Books I Like (no affiliate links)
I'm currently in Monk Mode myself. I'm probably only going for at most a 3mo. term at this (Started Dec. 1st). It sounds like you have a good plan. I'm focusing on the following things:
For learning to cook I highly recommend this book.
For addressing approach anxiety I recommend The Rules of the Game.
This is an excellent book on habit change. (OP this is how you start to break down those "masturbatory" habits)
Also, Monk Mode is basically an exercise in stoicism. This book is awesome.
Since you'll have plenty of time to read here are some other Books I recommend:
"No More Mr. Nice Guy"
"Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty"
"The Talent Code"
"Man's Search for Meaning"
Final thoughts OP. 6 months is definitely a worthy goal however studies show that 90 days is usually what it takes to create new habits and routines. You have to be consistent though. Just food for thought.
(Edit: I suck at formatting)
/r/stoicism is an amazing philosophy of life. If you aren't familiar with it, you should be.
Read up on some Marcus Aurelius; he was perhaps the last "good" Roman emperor.
Also, the above mentioned Seneca. Epictetus is also very noteworthy.
There's also some great modern day work on the subject by Ryan Holiday
And William B. Irvine
A couple things that come to mind are:
I read a book that I loved (The Obstacle is The Way) which mentions the idea "we gather strength as we go." This idea has been really comforting for me (especially as a solo founder) because it helps me remember that it's okay to not have all the answers at any given time.
As for specific business advice, I think almost everything can be learned with the right mindset (and the points above have been my biggest challenge so far). Didn't mean to get too preachy, but this stuff has been a big help for me so I figured I'd post it!
I've also been struggling with liking myself, my identity, and generally how to live my life the best I can. Hopefully some of my experiences can help you out.
I am currently undergoing CBT and have been reading a lot of psychology-type books to supplement becoming a better person. I would highly recommend Emotional Intelligence as that was recommended when I starting seeing my therapist. It's hard to summarize but it's mainly about learning to work with your emotions and how to work with them effectively.
I would also recommend Learned Optimism if you want to have a more positive outlook, which I assume most people would want.
Finally, I'm reading The Obstacle is the Way right now and I'm really into it. It's mainly about Stoic philosophy and how your perceptions affect your emotions. I've been getting more into Stoicism lately because it's very much about focusing on what you can change and accepting what you can't. Yes, I know we've all heard this before but hearing someone lay it all out with examples really helps you to embrace a healthier way of thinking.
Those three books together have fundamentally changed my outlook on life for the better.
First and foremost, 48 Laws of Power. It will show you 100+ ways other people have tried and where they failed and succeeded. It's a great introduction. Get this first.
A lot for these are free on gutenberg.org
Meditations - On being ethical and virtuous in a position of power.
33 strategies of war - A great companion to the 48 laws.
Art of war - Ancient Chinese text on war and power. All but covered in 48 laws.
Hagakure - Japanese text on war and power. All but covered in 48 laws.
On war - Military strategy from Napoleonic era. All but covered in 48 laws.
Rise of Theodore Roosevelt - Amazing book.
Seeking Wisdom from Darwin to Munger - Abstract thought models and logic patterns of highly successful people.
The Obstacle is the Way - Not labeled a book on power, more like thriving during struggle, which is important to a leader.
Machiavelli: The Prince - Pretty much the opposite of meditations. All but covered in 48 laws.
Also, here's a good TED talk on why power/civics is important to study: http://www.ted.com/talks/eric_liu_why_ordinary_people_need_to_understand_power?language=en
If you've gone over these and want something more specialized, I can probably help.
Are you planning on taking us over with force or charm?
Wise Up by Guy Claxton and The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday are both quite similar in how they approach self development and learning. I'd recommend both of them.
There's plenty of literature that promotes the same things:
Drive by Daniel H. Pink
[Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb]
Organize for complexity by Niels Pflaeging
Reinventing organizations by Frederic Laloux
Management 3.0 by Jurgen Appelo
Agile is a paradigm, not an instruction guide, and so all of these including the one you mentioned can be incorporated. Agile is not some stubborn point-by-point fieldbook, its a general attitude.
Many of the books I mentioned never make a single reference to Agile, because its being implemented in fields completely unrelated to software engineering (nurses doing homecare for seniors, auto part manufacturing, etc..)
Hey friend, I'm in the same boat (graphic design.) I need to build my portfolio to change jobs & move this year, but I've been severely lacking in all forms of motivation & discipline. While design is my career & passion and I truly do love it, I never learned the self-discipline tactics to stay on a schedule. Any schedule I've made for myself in the past falls apart almost immediately. And when I do get into the right mindset to work, it's hard for me to focus for long periods of time. The work that I usually love becomes dull and the sweet siren songs of Youtube & reddit beckon me away.
I've been procrastinating on this for two years now. I know. It's bad.
A few months ago I realized I'm almost always inadvertently waiting for a "breakthrough" in my mental state. I'm essentially closing my eyes and hoping that a gush of motivation will wash over me. That all my previous excuses will suddenly stop making sense & my brain will eagerly jump forward with all the energy and ambition I'm missing. I've become somewhat addicted to self-improvement tactics, testing every new theory in hopes that it'll be my "big break." It feels like something is off in my clockwork, and if only I could find the one widget or gear to fix it, all my internal hangups, procrastination, fear, and demotivation will be solved.
Well, it's been two years. A breakthrough hasn't arrived yet. I've realized it's not coming.
I've exhausted so much self-help that I'm exhausted by all the self-help. I'm tired of tricks and quick-fixes to getting work done. Because they don't work in the long term (a quick-fix, by definition, is temporary.) It's becoming abundantly clear that I cannot manipulate myself into doing work that I don't want to do. I just have to do it.
So I'm retraining my brain's habits. When I sit down at my desk, I almost physically crave distraction. I don't want to be faced with my work and all its failures (actual & potential.) I literally grit my teeth and visualize the new neural pathways forming in my brain (or at the very least, the old ones breaking.) The only way to solidify new habits is to DO THEM, because they get easier with time. And it's worth it to remind yourself that if it's difficult today- if everything in your body revolts at the thought of putting pen to paper- this is the worst it's going to feel, and you CAN push past the resistance. Repetition breeds ease.
I'm a perfectionist and a procrastinator. Creating stuff scares me to death. Putting it into a portfolio for the world scares me to death. Also it's just hard work. You know as well as I do that art is just as much a job as anything else. It takes effort- effort that we often don't have or want to conjure. So I'm relearning how to fall in love with the boredom, and how to crave a flow state, and how to sit down and focus instead of throwing an attention-span tantrum about how I don't want to do this.
Because there will never be a perfect day, or a perfect mood, or a perfect time. You will never feel insanely motivated and inspired to do your work (I mean, you might, but give up that vision as a solution. It's not reliable.) People romanticize dedication to a habit (have you seen the fans of fitness gurus on Instagram?) but you can't romanticize the work. It's dirty and frustrating, painful and exhausting. But it's meaningful, and that's why you resist it- because it's important to you, and maybe you're scared it won't live up to your expectations or that your goals are unattainable. It's okay to feel afraid. It's okay to feel uninspired, or bored, or tired, or hungry, or grumpy. It's okay to feel like you want to do anything but the work.
Do it anyway.
- - -
Despite my earlier claim that all my self-improvement research has been more stifling than helpful, there ARE some resources that have helped me:
- Drive by Daniel Pink - on why intrinsic motivation is essential for getting anything meaningful done
- Deep Work by Cal Newport - how to slow down and focus
- Talk to other artists. Seriously. Like, in-person. I'm the most introverted hermit you'll ever meet but when I'm struggling creatively, just TALKING to another designer pumps up my spirits. I hate small talk and I hate social interaction (hello, social anxiety) but its benefits are exponential
- Therapy & medication - 'cause you can't muscle through a neurological or psychological problem (without help at least)
- Just start. Draw one line.
- Accountability- if you're good with client deadlines but not your own (raises hand,) get someone to check in on you. Sometimes we just need someone else nagging us to get our lives in line
- Downsize your responsibilities- human beings are very very bad at multitasking & juggling a lot of things at once. For something to take priority, other things need to take a backseat
- Sleep! I was diagnosed with sleep apnea in February. Got a CPAP and who knew I could feel so awake and energetic in the mornings?! It's nuts. But even if you don't have a sleep disorder, sleep is way WAY more important than people realize.
-Red Lemon Club- this is a site/blog/group of people (we have a Slack group) started by this guy named Alex who just gets it. The instagram is worth following alone
The book Drive dives into it and sites many studies.
This is the rationale behind the argument:
drunk_kronk/jimmwr, I'd love to hear your angle on it. A quick outline of the support for learning things that you can't see the value for and is not directly useful.
I just bought a coffee table off Craigslist from a lady who works as a physician's assistant and lives in a really nice apartment downtown. She told me that she was reading this book and that she was getting rid of everything that she didn't absolutely love and moving into a studio apartment. Given her luxury apartment (and her job/lifestyle in general) I was really surprised and impressed.
Simple living starts at home, so, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Have you checked out The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo? We found it incredibly helpful when moving into our first house.
My "trick" is simple- get rid of as much stuff as possible. It's hard to have a cluttered messy place if you don't have much stuff.
I used this as my guide: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308
Used to be far less, but I spent a month or two learning how to clean properly. What helped:
and Dyson Absolute vacuum (cordless - no cords = no irritating setup = pleasant).
I think the problem many guys have is that instead of teaching them how to clean properly their mothers and girlfriends just guilt them into cleaning.
Give me a good tools, help me prepare a good process and I'll be the one pushing you to clean!
For the lazy
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing https://www.amazon.com/dp/1607747308/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_D71oDb42NYMBT
The value of the items in storage seldom exceeds the cost to store them. Marie Kondo’s book, The Lifesaving Magic of Tidying Up would help many people with this dilemma.
You have really great focus, decent analytical ability and decent writing skills. If you stopped wasting your time on Reddit and put your life in order, you might actually find something more fulfilling than trolling subreddits where you don’t fit in.
I used to be a lot like you. I’m much happier now. I recommend you start where I started:
> Now I'm 33, and cleaning the house in absolute silence early on Saturday mornings is one of the most peaceful and zen-like experiences I get all week.
I knew someone wrote a book about this: not sure whether it is the exact book, but still
I like The Life Changing Magic of Tidying up by Marie Kondo. As an inherently messy person this book changed my life. Most self help books follow a "change your thinking change you" mentality but this book is more of a "Change you actions and environment then it changes you" perspective. I uncluttered my life and became way more responsible, pro-active, and disciplined.
Your library will have a copy.
I think for me the most important rule is don't have clutter - it's a lot easier to keep your surroundings clean if it's not full of unnecessary junk. I dust off surfaces, change sheets and vacuum once per week, it takes no more than 10-15 minutes, if that - it's just so easy when everything is in place. I'm not a minimalist or anything, but I just don't have more stuff than I use. I have roommates and we do have a cleaning lady that takes care of the common areas, so this is only my room, but it was the same when I lived alone - don't have unnecessary clutter, wipe down surfaces after I'm done with them and vacuum once per week. Clean or put dishes in dishwasher immediately (life happens, so I have a 24 hr turnaround rule for myself here), a sink full of dirty dishes is disgusting and gives off an immature college kid who has never lived on their own-vibe. But yeah, most importantly, don't own and let unnecessary shit occupy space in your life. You can be the tidiest person in the world, but if you have a lot of useless shit, your place will look dirty because dust will coat itself everywhere no matter how much you try to stay on top of it.
And on a mental note, your home is the space where you live, relax and fuck, not a storage unit for unnecessary junk that you don't use, right? :) Buy or borrow Marie Kondo's book where she explains the process of decluttering and how doing so will make it easier to keep your surroundings clean and organized, and how that in turn will help you (in theory) keep your shit together. Besides, I obviously can't speak for all women, but fuck it, I love guys that keep a tidy and clean space, and the opposite can easily be a dealbreaker depending on severity (like seriously - everybody poops, but seeing lots of skidmarks in the toilet bowl isn't going to make me very turned on or make me want to come back again any time soon no matter how great a guy is otherwise...)
Hey! First, the purging thing. I highly recommend getting this book! Set aside a day, read it while you're going through all your belongings, and follow her suggestions. It's SO helpful and makes the entire process streamlined and easy.
Looking for an apartment can be overwhelming, but I know you can do it :) I've had 3 different apartments in the past 4 years, and the whole process was really foreign to me at first too. I can PM you some tips and things to look out for so I don't clog up this thread haha.
As far as making friends go, I'm still struggling with that. I was lucky that my best friend decided to move with me (1000 miles from our hometown!), but I've tried to make some new friends too. I mostly "hang out" with coworkers because I don't know how to meet people either. You could try signing up for things and meeting people there? Sign up for a gym and take a free class there, or maybe try one of those Paint Nites where you drink and paint! Usually by the end people are looking at each other's paintings and chatting and having a nice time :) I hope this helps a little!
Buy this book... It's made a huge difference for me:
(Heads up: I think photo 18 is the unedited version of photo 7, so if there was stuff you were trying to hide...)
To be honest, the first thing you need to do is downsize your possessions. Beach themes rely on largely clean lines and open spaces, but you just have so many things currently that it's going to be hard to pull off a beach theme (or most any theme, tbh).
Spend some time to pare down on your possessions ("The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo has helped tons of people, if you need help), then I think you can start trying to figure out decorating themes.
Read [The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up] (https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308)
Furnishings aren't a purely financial decision. You also have to consider comfort and style. You may be spending a lot of time with this furniture. And you may not want your place to scream "college student" or "bachelor pad".
You can still get comfortable and stylish furniture cheaply the way everyone else is recommending. But you may want to be a little picky and maybe even pay full price for some things if you'll get that much appreciation out of it.
I'll also caution that just because you have space for something and you can get it cheap (or even free!) doesn't mean you should take it. Space has a tendency of filling itself up with stuff. You should read The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up before you buy anything.
Also, I find the product reviews at The Sweet Home are worth considering to help cut down on the analysis paralysis of having to buy so many different things. Of course, don't overdo it and buy stuff you don't really need!
Thanks for sharing your story.
As far as book recommendations go: (Marie Kondo)[https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308] gets a lot of praise, although I haven't actually read her myself (There was an interesting episode of the Tim Ferris podcast featuring her that was some good listening, and I like the systematic approach to decluttering).
Slightly tangentially: stoic philosophy fits well with minimalism, with other related ideas about how to live. Both Seneca's Letters and Epictetus' Handbook are good introductions.
“It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor. ”
For OP: There's this book the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. It basically tells the reader to purge. The method is what helped me, though.
She writes that you should categorize your stuff in such a way that you purge things with low sentimental value first ending with things like pictures, handmedowns, etc. The thought process here is that you purge old clothes, unused appliances, movies, etc first so that you get in the groove of getting rid of stuff. By time you get to old pictures and memories, you have a general idea of how things go and don't dwell on stuff that you might look at two years from now.
I think the book was worth a read. I read it between moves and it helped me get rid of a ton of my crap. It also helped the way I fold my laundry which saved a lot of space too. TBH, I only read about the first half up to the purging section, then skimmed the rest. It got a little repetitive by then and I already had the gist of the book.
I read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and it was awesome for getting my living space in order despite having been written by someone I'd consider insane. The best advice I got from her was 1. to not have tolerance for ambiguous possessions (i.e. stuff you know you won't use and just leave there to take up space for no reason). I purged everything I wouldn't ACTUALLY use and donated it or gifted it. That was great for cutting down immediately on clutter and mess. 2. I assigned a proper place to each possession I had left after the purge. 3. I listened to her tips on efficient storage, so everything fit really well which was just incredibly satisfying to see.
So she recommends making the first tidying up a big event - like you take a whole day and go through everything and get your space just how you want it. Then, you have a goal to aspire to in the future for tidying up - and you'll love your tidy organized space so much you'll want to keep it that way. Now I just clean once a week. It's easy since I know where everything goes now and have a mental sorting strategy with clear rules of what I keep and how.
It's all about decluttering and living a minimalist lifestyle. Everything has a home and therefore gets out away each time. When you are finished with an item, such as clothes that are too small or outdated, you thank them for their service/for bringing you joy and then you let them go (trash or donation). To start with you go through all your belongings via categories. It takes a while to do but I loved it. We cleared out 3 huge bookshelves of stuff and are actually fairly well organized.
Here's the book off Amazon
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing
My wife bought this book after watching Hoarders:
Yes, the title is accurate.
for learning/cognitive related i recommend checking out:
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman,
Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericsson
and the various Cal Newport books (he also has a blog),
Thomas Frank from College Info Geek is also cool.
i personally prefer actionable coaching over talk therapy as it helps me get shit done rather than sit around and introspect which i already do enough of.
there is a /r/Stoicism
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo, check it out
Brene Brown for self compassion, talks on Youtube, you could check out.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson is another good one.
I recommend Marie Kondo's book: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308
Read and see if her philosophy resonates with you.
Pick up each item you own. If it doesn't give you joy, trash it.
It's been very helpful for me in de cluttering. I focusing on owning things I love that also have purpose.
This book kind of changed my life
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing to be pretty helpful in my life.
Minimalist philosophy is vague, so here are some books that cover a few areas. No one agrees on what the philosophy means so some will take issue with each of these I'm sure.
Contemporary Minimalism: Goodbye, Things
Getting Rid of Stuff: The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up
Traditional (somewhat related): Walden
Design (again, not perfect match, but similar): Wabi-Sabi
Do it yourself guide: Clear one area (desk, countertop, bed side table) then enjoy the emptiness. That'll give you enough of a taste to explore more.
totally agree with u/b0wtiebill
Only keep the things that spark joy. If you have access, I highly recommend watching the Marie Kondo episodes on Netflix (she also has a book!). It will really help to understand first that you're not alone in being sentimental with your stuff (me too!) and second, you might not be as bad as you think.
You can do it!
If you enjoyed the decluttering process, I'd highly recommend the Kon Mari method (https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308).
It's all about getting rid of the things that don't actually bring you joy anymore. I did it last year and got rid of about half of my things, and I'm really happy with the results. I got to say goodbye to 90% of the random papers I had been saving, more than half my clothing, and a bunch of other random stuff. Now, for the most part, the things I own are things I really like.
There is an emotional weight to clutter and having things you don't want/care about around you that you don't realize until you remove them from your home.
I just read this book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. I highly recommend it. It's very Japanese and she's pretty intense, but her basic premise is that we who are cluttered remain that way because we're focused on what to get rid of instead of what to keep. She talks about the emotions surrounding the "I might need it someday" problem and how to work with the sentimental value of items. The key, for her, is understanding the relationship you have with your stuff in order to permanently declutter.
I was completely inspired by her, and I'm starting her method myself this weekend. It's a short book and an easy (and extremely compelling) read. If you do read it, I'd love to hear what you think.
buy the book
Don't try to climb anything you fucking idiot. Social groups aren't made to climb to the top and conquer them. They are made to have mutually beneficial interactions amongst all.
2) The problem isn't your friends, it's the fact that you are a huge pussy and don't stand up for yourself. Read this book, it will change your life
I would recommend Lebell's The Art of Living. It's based on Epictetus's Enchiridion, but rather than being a translation, it's somewhere between a paraphrase and complete rewrite into clear modern English. The "chapters" are a page each at most, and independent of each other, and so you can browse it and just read a page at a time.
Because it is based on a book that is sometimes cryptic or ambiguous, there is inherently some interpretation by Lebell. However, I think her interpretation is much more accurate than that of Irvine, and I think her presentation should be even easier to understand.
If you want to learn more, read this: https://www.amazon.com/Art-Living-Classical-Happiness-Effectiveness/dp/0061286052
For anyone that is interested in a really good book about organization, I highly recommend the book Getting Things Done. One of the most important pieces of information I got from it is that your To Do list needs to be as easy and unobtrusive for you as possible, i.e. you shouldn't be spending a ton of time constantly fiddling with and organizing your list. It should be quick, easy, and efficient so that you can focus mostly on doing work. Another really important piece of advice from the book is to make time for friends and family, or else, what the fuck is the point of it all!?
I use Trello (which is available on anything that connects online) with a layout inspired from the book Getting Things Done.
Read this book. Using it and Google Tasks has helped me stay on track. Getting-Things-Done
You can try Getting Things Done, which is a methodology as well as a book describing the methodology. It revolves around a very simple idea: get everything you have to deal with organized in a systematic way and off your mind by putting it on an appropriate list. Then when you have free time, you consult the list and carry out a task as appropriate. The most important aspect is that you can only be productive if you are not thinking about all the stuff you have to do, which is why it's important to write it all down and categorize it. This way you don't worry if you've forgotten something.
The details are only marginally more complicated: there are several lists with different categories and a strict procedure that ensures that you are getting through them. But it's very simple and doesn't require any special skills or equipment.
Since my first few suggestions have already been made:
David Allen - Getting Things Done
When I read this as a teenager, it restructured the way I think about being organized and pursuing goals. I'd like to think that if everyone read it, a decent chunk of the population would actually follow its tenets, and society would become a bit more orderly and goal-oriented as a result.
Read this book - Getting Things Done.
Depending on the project, I'll setup a Trello board and create a bunch of sub tasks depending on the complexity of the project. I'll then order / group them on how quickly those tasks can be done, and what order they have to be done in. I then fit those into my schedule around everything else that's going on.
Probably Getting Things Done.
Goal planning depends on your values. Once you can verbalize your values then you'll be able to formulate your goals. That said these resources will help you with the next steps: Read Thinkertoys for an explanation of mind-mapping. GTD by David Allen. Get familiar with Evernote to keep you on track. Watch these for an explanation of how to synthesize the two. Read and watch all the Brian Tracy info you can get your hands on. Become proficient with these resources and you'll accomplish more than you ever dreamed possible
Be organized, and ask a ton of questions cause if it's anything like my experience, no one is going to go out of their way to show you how to do anything unless you bug them about it.
I recommend this book for getting organized if you are naturally disorganized person like myself http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280.
My old accounting professor had a saying, "When you first start in public accounting, you're literally worth less than nothing. Because if you were just worth nothing, then other productive people would not have to take the time to teach you anything." Don't take that too literally, but just know that even if you've passed the CPA exams, you'll only know about 10% of what you're doing as baengelbert says.
Be enthusiastic, be humble, and ask a crap ton of questions and remember that the learning system is a "pull system." They will not push learning onto you, they force you to pull it out of them. A dumb system in my opinion, but that's the way it is.
Pretty much what David Allen says in his book,"Getting Things Done".
Willpower Doesn't Work
Just burned through this newly released really helping me gain a different perspective on how to make real effective change in my life. It is working too!
The Four Hour Workweek
This book honestly changed my life. I read it at a real personal tipping point and it helped me drastically change my life. It helped me get the courage to start my own business, define my real worst case scenarios, define what I really want with my life, and how to help myself remove myself from the equation of making money. I also learned about the pareto principle 80/20, and how to make it work for you like firing the customers that take up 80% of your time but give you 10% of your revenue type of people, and focusing on the 20% of customers that provide 80% of your revenue. Applying this all throughout my life has been amazing.
Getting Things Done
Really freaking good productivity processes book.
Think and Grow Rich
$0.49 on kindle? just go buy it if you haven't already. This book is a gem.
Try this http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1290284531&amp;sr=8-1
I've been planning on reading it for years now.
Aside from all of the usual technical avenues you need to get familiar with, I strongly recommend working on your time management skills. Sysadmin work is often "interrupt driven". Aside from the long term projects and research, you need to know that you are also responsible for immediately responding to problems and requests. Sometimes it's once or twice a day, other times it could be a day of 20-30 interruptions. Sometimes these interruptions are technical and mission critical (server down), other times they are political (CIO needs you to run a report for him NOW).
This is often one of the key factors that burn sysadmins out. It seems fun at first, but can quickly become maddening, leave you feeling frazzled at the end of the day, and undermine your long-term projects.
I strongly recommend reading the books Time Management for System Administrators and Getting Things Done
This is one of those soft skills that can make or break you.
A lot of it seems low-hanging (e.g., installing a version control system and committing versions and giving them tags based on that, and having apps report their version or revision, perhaps tracking it in a wiki page); it's just gotten so frenzied that people are too busy with the urgent to get to the important matters that could improve the system (someone wrote a great piece on this called "The tyranny of the urgent").
Fixing a number of these low-hanging items would certainly look good (and if you're not a manager, something to point to at a review). You haven't mentioned whether management is aware of the problem or supportive of systemic fixes; how you proceed largely depends on that. Good luck.
Read "Getting Things Done" by David Allen. I was in a similar situation as you and that book changed my life.
I use Omnifocus, having read the book "Getting Things Done" over summer. I really like the program and the book's ideas, but I still have some trouble implementing the entire method.
I suggest looking into "Getting Things Done." The book is cheap $3 used and there are many different programs, from pen and paper to digital suites, that fit any need
This ended up much longer than I intended. Apologies for the wall of text. I know that was one of the points but I felt compelled to respond to each point.
If this post was a mirror, I would see my own reflection. Many of your points hit home for myself.
Here are some of the ways I try to combat these. I'm not always as successful as I would like in applying these consistently but I have found them helpful.
Just a word of encouragement buddy. I'm in my mid 30s. I just quit my good paying physically demanding job to have the same goal as yours. Planned for years, here I am starting on Monday.
I'm really anxious dude. But I believe if I keep pressing on and keep my feet grounded everything will be alright.
If you have some time buy/borrow this book https://www.amazon.ca/Mastery-Robert-Greene/dp/014312417X
You can get this as your first free audiobook for a trial on the app called audible. This book might give you some sort of assurance/enlightenment, even on what other training you want to pursue.
If I may suggest, check out the book 'Mastery' by Robert Greene. I was in a similar state of mind as you and it was able to help me get more focused and enthusiastic about becoming better at, as well as enjoying coding. https://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Robert-Greene/dp/014312417X
[Mastery by Robert Greene] (http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Robert-Greene/dp/014312417X)
No replies in 7 hours. You know why? I think it's because this is an extremely tough question. Meaning one for which nobody is going to be able to give you a good answer - because there isn't one. Your Dad is an adult, and any attempt to manage him like some sort of child is going to be risky. But that said, I'll try to give you a few ideas.
On Smoking - You could, 1) Give him a printed or audio copy of Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Smoking". A lot of people here swear by this book. 2) Tell him that the 46K quitters on this subreddit tell him he's fooling himself if he thinks he can just "cut back". It doesn't work that way. 95% of quitters who have even a single cigarette afterward will end up fully relapsing. 3) If he's at all computer literate, you could suggest he get signed up on this subreddit. And 4) Tell him you're sorry for hounding him, and that if he really doesn't want to give up smoking, you'll understand.
On Strokes - My Dad had a transient ischemic attack a couple of years ago as well. I'd suggest that you ask your Dad if he's had an ultrasound done on his carotid artery (on his neck). Most stokes originate from this area, and there are new surgical techniques available now for treating plaque buildups here. If this were my Dad, I'd consider him having this "duplex ultrasound scan" done a lot more important than quitting smoking.
Good luck, and try not to worry too much. TIA's (ministrokes) are not that uncommon, and most people live long lives after experiencing one.
If the blowjobs don't work out, try reading Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.
I never thought reading a book would get me to quit smoking, but I read it in one day two years ago and haven't smoked since! Good luck on your journey, friend.
I don't think that this comment will be read by OP, but I have something interesting for him, so here I go. This book made me stop smoking. I bought it on January 30, and got it on February 12. On February 29 I was 100% smoke free. I can drink alcohol, and I don't have any cravings. I can be with friends that smoke, and I don't have any cravings. This book changed my life.
Hey there buddy.
I'm an alcoholic and smoked for 15 years until 8 months ago. I know exactly how you feel and totaly hear what you said in that comment and wanted to share how I quit, cause I tried a million times and couldn't do it until I tried this as a last whim before trying Chantix, which I really didn't want to do.
It sounds crazy, but it was a book with the cheesiest title ever. The Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr.
It's hard to explain, but this worked for me, a pack and a half a day smoker of 15 days. Put this book down and put down my last cigarette with it (you're supposed to keep smoking while you read it) and never picked one up again. The craziest part was it actually wasn't that hard. It's called the easy way and it actually made it pretty easy. After that, I loaned it to a friend of mine who was a pack a day smoker for longer than me. He read it in two days and quit also. He is still clean, too. The best way I can describe it is that it made me realize I will not only still enjoy, but enjoy everything I did while smoking even more. Even if it's just standing outside breathing air instead of smoking.
I probably sound like I'm trying to sell books here but I'm really just trying to help another alcoholic smoker quit one deadly vice. Hell, I wlil buy you this book if you want to promise me you'll read it. Just PM me.
Couple ways you can help her out...
1:buy her the book Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allan Carr, I quit for a year and a half after reading this and know about a dozen other people who have quit after reading this book. I recently fell off the wagon for about a month (relapses, they happen) but am now back on it thanks to option 2...
2:As mentioned in other comments get her an e-cig and see if she can switch to them, it's far less horrible and makes quiting cigarettes easier (it's still a rough ride off the tobacco) and it doesn't make you smell at all.
When you approach her about this, be cool about it, it's an addiction and one that is hard to kick, do whatever you can to support her in getting over it. Making her feel guilty will only make her want to go smoke and she probably won't care if you know about it or not if you come at her with a bad attitude about it.
Good luck and I hope she can kick it!
I have to mention this since it did help me and a handful of people I've passed my book along to, a large portion of this subreddit have also read this book and had success. Look at the amazon reviews too! THis book helps people, even if just to give you a good perspective on quitting. I kept smoking while reading the book and by the end I didn't even want to finish my pack. Gave it to a friend and haven't smoked since.
Here are some things I think may help:
Good luck! You'll find a way!
Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615482155/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_n7xNAbZ2EK2WD
I bought this for my dad and I plan I reading it in the near future. He's been a smoker for 30+ years. He's been smoke free for two weeks, I know that's not very long, but it's progress.
I would read Allan Carr's Easyway Book which I found to be a great help.
You must accept that you are a drug addict, and nicotine is that drug. Cravings are just withdrawal symptoms from lack of the drug, and these cravings lessen quickly over time.
> 1) HOW DID YOU QUIT?
Cold Turkey (because treating a nicotine addiction with nicotine is crazy to me) + Allen Carr's book (can't recommend it enough. Just read it) + being on vacation (made it a lot easier to avoid the normal triggers, and I was pretty far from civilization, so an hour drive each way just to get a fix was a really good deterrent to help get over that early hump)
> 2) HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU QUIT BEFORE IT "STUCK"?
Several times, with 2 "serious" ones that lasted more than a few weeks. First serious one failed because I was getting fucking killed at work, my boss was really up my ass, and I didn't think I could deal with the stress without smoking. Which only added new stress back into my life, but addicts aren't always logical.
Second one was going strong, had about 4 months under my belt, and and I felt invincible. 4 months, no fucking problem, I beat this. It wasn't even that hard! So why not reward myself with a smoke, only once a month, only when I'm out and drunk with my friends. That quickly became once a week. Then a few per weekend... Then after a tough day at work. You can see where that's going, I'm sure.
> 3) LASTLY.....WHAT'S the BEST ADVICE you could give someone who wants to quit smoking?
This might be the kind of cliche you didn't want to hear, but NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF. No "Just one on the weekends" or "only when I'm really stressed/drinking/whatever" bullshit, once you start playing that game with yourself, you've already lost. Never let your guard down. You're a non-smoker now, start thinking like one.
That, and read Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking. Seriously. It's cheap, it's short, what do you have to lose? Try it.
You're on the hardest day, and congrats on making it this far! One of my biggest motivators to quit smoking was my girlfriend, and she has been so supportive of me -- it sounds like this girl you're seeing could be a wonderful ally for you as you quit. But remember that ultimately, you're doing the biggest favor for yourself! You should be proud of yourself for making it this far and own your victory!
I'm not sure if you're familiar with Allen Carr's book, but it was so important to me while I quit and I know lots of people feel the same way. He helps dispel the myth that we actually enjoy smoking. I was really suspicious of this claim at first, but about halfway through the book, my perspective completely shifted and quitting became much easier. Best of luck to you, friend -- stay strong.
Allen Carr's easyway to quit smoking. I preach about this book alot, but if I could buy every smoker a copy of this book I would. It saved my ass, and got me off those filthy things here's a link Give it a try, over 700 5* reviews can't be wrong! Read it now!
I quit smoking about a year and a half ago and simply read this book ----Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking----It was a huge help and honestly I was a non smoker as soon as I put it down. You can give it a shot and im sure it will help you out.
http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easyway-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155 ----------amazon link
Yeah, you bring up some very salient observations. I guess even if this cat manages to drop like 80 lbs and then put 30-40 back on, he'll still be in a better position than he is now, despite still being obese. But, the odds of him dropping and keeping off the realistically 150-180 or so he needs to are stacked against him, especially in lieu of his lack of will power or caring.
In regards to your friend, have her husband pick up an e-cig or something. Also, I'm not a smoker, but many of those who have quit have told me that this book was outstanding and the only thing that ever worked.
Different gimmicks work for different people but many of these (oral fixation, something to do with my hands) are just distractions from the real problem: physical and psychological addiction to nicotine. If you can face this honestly without excuses, the rest of the idiosyncrasies will all but fade away on their own.
I used the Allen Carr book this time and it helped me a lot.
Edit I was too harsh with my judgmental "without excuses." That was presumptuous of me -- I don't know your mind. With me and a few friends, I can look back and see that these were excuses for us. Admitting guilt to these was easier than admitting that we were really helpless in the face of chemical addiction. For the record, I still have a huge oral fixation and I fidget with stuff constantly, but those weren't my real barriers to quitting smoking.
I quit a few weeks ago and did so painlessly and without willpower after reading Allen Carr's book. It worked for me and a lot of people on this subreddit. I would recommend it to anyone: http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easyway-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1373259642&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=allen+carr
Hang in there! Drink water, drink juice, get a lot of exercise. It gets easier and easier, I'll have been smoke-free for three years this September, and I can barely even remember what it felt like to be a smoker anymore!
Edit: I found Allen Carr's book very helpful.
It's "The Easy Way" by Allen Carr. He has written several books for several different kinds of addiction.
These books are the equivalent of a warehouse full of military-grade psychological weapons you can use to hack your way out of addictions. That's not how they read, but it is the effect they have on the reader. They alter one's mindset and how one looks at the situation, turning the usual negative self talk and myths used for defense of addiction into positive thinking and hard facts used to destroy urges and overcome them. They make it very hard for you to continue lying to yourself.
They are extremely effective.
I can't say much, but to add into what Wiles said, I quit smoking in February after 10 years of smoking. First off, I gained probably about 10 pounds right off the bat, not really eating extra or anything. For the first few months I went to the gym as I normally did (once or twice a week, usually doing cardio), but eventually I decided to get serious, probably around July I would say.
Once I started, I consciously made an effort to eat a shitload and I went to the gym every day during my lunch break and had lunch at my desk. I gained to 170 pretty easily with a conscious level of work. I plateaued a little bit, so I upped the calorie intake significantly (I average about 3500 or so now) and am slowly making gains through the 170s, but it's taking longer than I thought (I'm not doing GOMAD or anything, just eating a shitload).
Anyway, 8 months smokefree and I drink water by the gallon and I've never felt better in my life. I am almost never tired anymore and the only caffeine I have is a small cup of coffee at the beginning of the day, and that's more out of habit than it is because I'm tired. If you are looking to quit, try Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking.
TL/DR: Quit smoking, drink water, eat more, you'll feel fucking great.
Best advice: stopping is simple, don't make it more complicated than it is. Cravings are only as tough as the emotion you put into them.
(and read the good book)
Alan Carr's book, as often suggested here, is a super quick read. You could get that in before Sunday! Best of luck. http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
So far so good? Did you make it through until now? Updates??
My words of wisdom:
Edited to add: Get this book. Right this minute, like, order it online with overnight shipping or go buy it locally but DO IT. Don't say yeah yeah and then not.... seriously. Even if it's your last few dollars, it's worth it. I tried for 5 years and this is what helped me finally get through the quitting process. http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
It's really hard at first and it feels like you won't get through it, but you can & will. 3 years non smoking for me, I still have nightmares that I smoked and ruined EVERYTHING. But other than that, I don't ever want to look at a cig again.
1st day is actually easier than the next. Get through 2, then 3. Then you'll be a pro at breathing and finding something, anything else to focus on and not caving in. One-at-a-time.
After a week, well... you can't blow all that progress now. That will become 2, and then it'll be a month.
A MONTH. Compared to the agony of 4 hours? YES. YES.
Then it'll be 3 months and all of a sudden, it's pretty easy to get through cravings, but you'll still have them... just MUCH weaker. (Social things are hard. Don't drink booze.)
Then 6 months. Then a year, then... well at that point, you're good.
Just make sure that you congratulate yourself for not smoking if any REALLY hard life things happen, so that you don't pick it back up as a comfort thing.
Keep going. Get through today, then tomorrow.
Okay one last edit, here's a chart of what happens to your body after quitting, minutes/hours/days etc.: http://www.happycortex.com/happens-body-quitting-cigarettes-infographic/
Good luck and I will say a special prayer for you! I was able to quit after 6 years with Allen Carr's "Easy Way To Stop Smoking" (http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155)
If you are still having trouble, I've had several friends who have used Chantix and swear it is the best way to go. There is a great support community at http://www.reddit.com/r/stopsmoking and I use the QuitIt app to track my progress. Even after 1.5 years, I love to look at how long it's been and what's good decision I made that day. Good luck and God bless you!
Hey man, if you find it hard, your doing it wrong. Read this....
Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking
I read it (a few times) and haven't smoked in about 8 years and I still feel so happy to be free. Allen Carr was a good man.
I am not sure how it would translate to dipping, but when I quit smoking I found two resources to be very valuable.
Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615482155/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
It sounds crazy I know, but read this book. I first heard about it on Reddit and bought it last year. It sat around my house for a few reasons, partially because I didn't think a book could help me quit.
But I read it and I'm smoke free, happily smoke free. I've quit more times than I can count, felt horrible and always went back to smoking. This is the first time that I don't feel horrible and I'm 100% sure I'm done with nicotine forever.
Really, beyond the advice I gave, I would strongly suggest you read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I linked to his website, which does a good job of providing a 2-3 paragraph summary of each of the habits, but the book is definitely worth it. It is the most grounded self-development material I've ever read. The habits are not gimmicks or tricks, they're more like... mindsets/approaches. One quote from the book:
>Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground.
Right now, I am working on Habit 1 -- Be Proactive. What that means is that in the long list of things that you care about and that impact you (e.g., what your peers think of you, what the weather will be like tomorrow, what state your finances are in), you should focus your energy and attention on the things that you can take action on. Don't imagine yourself as a victim.
>Anytime we think the problem is "out there," that thought is the problem. We empower what's out there to control us.
>Blaming everyone and everything else for our problems [...] may provide temporary relief from the pain, but it also chains us to these very problems.
He also says:
>Proactive people are still influenced by external stimuli, whether physical, social, or psychological. But their response to the stimuli, conscious or unconscious, is a value-based choice or response.
In other words, yes, things can be shitty. There can be stuff outside of your control that makes life hard or unpleasant. However, you always have the power to choose your own response. This is not to say that you do not deserve to be sad, or to have regrets, etc. It isn't, "put up and shut up." It is more that internally, you will be more empowered by focusing on what you can do something about.
As an example in my life: I sometimes have trouble not staying up late on the internet. Now, it might be the case that due to the perseverative hyperfocus of ADHD, I am not in a position to consciously decide to get off of the internet. And yet staying on the internet late is messing with other aspects of my life. Now that is not fun, and I think it is fair for me to have some sympathy for the position I'm in. At the same time, I always have the power to choose my response to that situation. So, now -- away from hyperfocusing on the internet at 11:30pm, I am seriously considering finding a way to make my internet shut off every night at a given hour. Because while my ADHD symptoms may not be under my direct control, I can still choose to respond to the fact of their existence by finding and using more tools to compensate. I always have that power.
>For those filled with regret, perhaps the most needful exercise of proactivity is to realize that past mistakes are also out there in the Circle of Concern.
(The Circle of Concern is the things we care about, but can't affect, like the weather. I might care if the weather is good tomorrow, but if I tie my happiness to the weather being good, then I am making myself a victim to my environment.)
I am still working on Habit 1 because I still catch myself all of the time, thinking sad things like, "I bet my advisor is sick of me by now. He's probably still helping me out of politeness... or maybe dealing with me has drained his energy so much that he can't deal with the process of trying to kick me out of the program. There's no way he doesn't dread another year of dealing with me."
Boy, I start to feel small, and worthless, and discouraged, and like giving up... I start to stir up all of those hurt feelings from my childhood -- of feeling like a grand disappointment to everyone else. Of testing and always breaking the patience of everyone I knew.
And I'm starting to get better at noticing that small feeling and taking it as a cue to step back. Wait a second, am I doing this program for my advisor? No. Sure, he has supported me more than any other authority figure in my life. His support is a big part of succeeding in my program, and I do truly want him to be able to be proud of my accomplishments rather than worried about my struggles. I do think he is still a caring person who would be happy about my success.
But sitting here, dwelling on how he feels now...? I can't control how he feels. Whether it is as bad as I imagine in my darkest hours, or whether he is not at all as upset as I am picturing... either way, it is entirely out of my control. And laying myself down as a victim to how he may or may not feel is not what success in this program is going to look like. I am in the driver's seat. I can continue to take action to move myself forward -- and a lot of that is figuring out my symptoms and how to manage them better. That is my job, and that is what is within my power (my Circle of Influence). I can learn from my mistakes (and sometimes it will take repeating them to find the lesson they hold), and then I can do better next time.
TL;DR -- The advice that is having the strongest effect for me right now, was stolen from a longer work that is well worth reading -- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey (this is the Amazon link this time).
That advice is to always put yourself in the driver's seat, and never surrender to things outside of your control. You can always choose to respond. If tomorrow brings rain, it will do so whether you worry about it today, or mope about it tomorrow. But you can still choose to make different plans or bring an umbrella. Focus on what you can do if it does rain -- don't make your happiness dependent on there not being rain.
Something like ADHD would be just like the rain. It may restrict what you can do in certain circumstances -- you can't sunbathe in the rain, and with ADHD, there are symptoms that may affect your life in a way that you can't control. However, you can always bring out the proverbial umbrella -- reminders, clocks that vibrate every hour, medications, a whiteboard for brainstorming, pomodoro techniques for pacing, etc. That is what has helped me the most is seeing ADHD like the rain -- and right now, a lot of how I am choosing to respond is just studying myself and ADHD so that I can design myself one kick-ass umbrella.
Hope this helps :)
Edit to Add: One more useful tidbit.
Covey also discusses the balance between your production (e.g., doing work, chores, good parenting), and your production capacity (e.g., your ability to produce). Basically, while he is more articulate about it, you may end up with more product if you stay up all night working, but you damage your production capacity -- your ability to produce work the next day. If you do this often enough, you may damage it more seriously (or even permanently), in the form of illness or injury.
Basically, if you don't take care of yourself -- your physical, emotional, interpersonal needs (or any other needs you have) -- you will eventually not be able to create the product that you want to put out into the world. Taking a break to do something that makes you smile and happy is not intrinsically being selfish and greedy when you're behind on your work. (It can cross that line, sure, but it is not inherently bad.) In fact, keeping yourself happy, engaged, and content is part of taking care of yourself, and making it so that you can work. That has helped me decide to go to bed more often, even when I haven't gotten everything done that I wanted to. Taking care of myself is as much a part of the work I want to produce as the product of the work itself.
You are ready for this:
I'm just gonna leave this here
I would mail it to you if I could. This doesn't make it easy, but it changes your whole mindset about quitting when you are already ready to quit. And the harder it got for me to quit, the more it strengthened my resolve. I started smoking at 14 and quit at 34 and I was where you are now. I had other medical problems that left me bored and in pain and smoking up to 3-4 packs a day at times, 2 packs pretty normally.
You can do this when you are ready. Unfortunately this whole book could be said in a fucking pamphlet but no one pays for a pamphlet. It's the best $10 you'll spend. It's worth infinitely more. Take all the rage you have right now and remember it. Take all the addiction you have right now and remember it. Read this book. And one day when you are ready, use all these things to succeed. You can and will do this, I wholeheartedly believe you will get there.
First off, congrats on your progress, I know for sure 68lbs is a big piece of work ;) Actually, I can relate to that story so much, it's unreal. I started changing habits in the beginning of 2015 (cutting candy and soda, walking more), and seriously got into loosing it and starting to exercise in July/August, at that point weighing in at 135kg, my highest being around 145, so we've lost quite the same amount, in a similar time frame, even my goal weight is the same - 85-90kg :)
I've also been on a really stubborn plateau twice in a row now, it's so discouraging. For me it's not family, but colleagues and friends around me that I have to watch eating that "delicious" junk (while teasing me with it), and the stress is at work ;)
Just don't give up and do what you know is right, allow youself some(!) slack during the holidays. But don't stop to log, even if only roughly.
I smoked basically a pack a day for 15 years, and quit over night in October. As for you, the cigarettes were an appetite and hunger killer, so it was easy to maintain 1500 cals and less (6'2" male, just turned 34), once I quit it got a little harder after a few days (as tastebuds regenerate and things taste so much more intense, you wouldn't believe).
I HIGHLY recommend Allen Carr's book "The Easyway to Stop Smoking". You don't need any replacement such as carrots, and you don't have to deal have withdrawal symptoms and a hard time with it, stopping smoking is nothing but a liberation and in the end is actually suprisingly easy. I wouldn't have believed a book would make a difference, but this book is probably one of the most helpful and important I've read in my life. Read it, you have nothing to loose.
As you said, some days it's harder than others... But don't pressure yourself, what's the hurry? We can do this, let's have at it! Good luck and have a nice few days off, and let's look forward to a thoroughly successful and superlative 2016 :) Cheers
A lot of people recommend Allen Carr's The Easy Way which really really really helped change my thinking about smoking (granted it still took me at least 2+ years to click and quit successfully so far), and I've also quite enjoyed the work of Joel Spitzer who has a website and a youtube channel.
Don't do e-cigs man. They don't work. it only continues your nicotine addiction that you need to break.
Read this book and be free.
You can smoke while you read it but when you get to the last page I guarantee you will quit and it will be so easy.
I was a pack a day for a longtime. I read this book, quit smoking, and lost 50 lbs.
Good luck my friend.
>"I've been good, one drag won't hurt." And it doesn't hurt, but the second and third "One drag won't hurt" turns in to a full cig and slowly drags you back in.
YES. I've quit maybe 6-8 times before and it never worked because of this.
This past time, I read this book and at some point during the book, I said that I'll never have a cig again and was happy with the decision. It was a "FUCK YEAH!" moment, rather than a scared, uncertain one.
It's been 1.5 years since my last one - after smoking about a pack a day for 12 years.
Good luck, all! You got this.
Look up the book Easy Way by Allen Carr, truly saved my life. Makes not smoking enjoyable. Like after you read it you will understand there really is no severe withdrawals and it's all brainwashing that makes you think it's hard to quit. I can get blackout drunk and never even desire a cigarette. Read some reviews if you need convincing. http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
Thanks for posting this link, I'm not a smoker, but my significant other is. I've already began reading it, and I don't want this to sound harsh, because I'm confident that this is a good book. I've noticed there are quite a lot of typos in the intro, half the time he says "he" instead of "be" and in a few places there is a number "1" instead of an "I."
You might not know, but are these errors in the hard copy of the book as well? Actually I just noticed that there are entire lines of text missing in a few places, I can't imagine this going through a publisher.
Wow, I just looked it up on Amazon and it has 875 ratings which average 5 stars. I used to work for Amazon and that's the best rated book I've ever seen. I appreciate the recommendation, and this may seem like a silly post, but I've already typed this out aha.
I can't do it with a Reddit post. But the book I linked below will do it. The entire book just talks about how smoking has no positives and all negatives and really makes you realize how foolish it is to smoke. It worked for me, and I have loaned it to 3 other people and it has worked for them. Its totally worth the like 12 bucks it costs
This book really helped me: Allan Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking
It's annoyingly branded & he talks way too much about his Easy Way program, but the meat of the book is very insightful and helped me change the way I think about cigarettes. That's the key I think. Best of luck!
I read THIS, and it works. I was totally skeptical, but /r/stopsmoking had lots of other people in there saying how great it was. Once you really grasp the concepts laid out (ex: smoking is a drug addiction akin to heroin use) it makes it easier to WANT and to ACTUALLY quit.
Hey wo/man, I struggled with quitting smoking for way too long, so if you wouldn't mind me making a recommendation...pick up a copy of The Easy Way by Allen Carr. I found out about this book from the r/stopsmoking sub, btw. Great people over there.
Check this book out if you like. It seems to work.
edit: ocm09876 also recommended this book, just noticed.
My emotional pain runs so deeply that it was unmanageable for most of my life. My shame was no longer just an emotion. It was how I defined myself. I was a shame-based person and I didn't think I was worthy of love.
It starts with stopping the addictive behavior. This is the first step. Just admit that when you are using, your life is complete shit. That's what the 12 Steps means when they say that they admitted that they were powerless. They are saying that the drug has removed all their power to make good decisions from their lives.
You might say that this is easier said than done. I would agree with you. But even 6 days is a HUGE achievement.
I'll give you my short sell about what worked for me early on and what I would recommend. First thing that really helped me was therapy. Pick someone who is certified to help with sex addiction and who does couples counseling (as they will understand personal relationships better)... If you need help picking a therapist I can totally message you more advice. They key to therapy is that it will give you someone who you can confess all of your mistakes to. There are things that most addicts have done that they have told no one else. It is important to understand that you are capable and worthy of love. A therapist will demonstrate that someone who knows all of your mistakes and fuck-ups can still love you. This helped me immensely.
The second thing I would recommend is reading and educating yourself. One of the first steps in recovery is education. Question everything you thing you know about addiction. Read from a bunch of different methods. Don't be afraid to pick and chose which things work for you. Try different ideas out and see if you like them. Remember that all great methods of recovery will usually insist that their way is THE ONLY way... Patrick Carnes implies this, 12 Steps flat out preaches this, Joe Zychik says this, group will say this... don't listen to any of them when they says this. They just think that because it worked for them, it is the only way. I have found to not be true.
Here is some material to start with. Remember to take it all with a grain of salt. The important thing is that these resources will help you start to question your inner-addict.
(it's my own words, so I hope that doesn't come across as narcissistic. I just think thinking about these things is extremely important in early recovery)
This book is great for dealing with shame. It has helped me greatly with my own struggle to deal with my past and make peace with my mistakes and accepting myself as a person.
This book is not written for sex addiction, but it shows how recovery can be an extremely positive experience. I would definitely recommend reading it and substituting "porn and masturbation" for "nicotine."
There is a free PDF download on the website. I really like this book because it gives concrete strategies for overcoming porn and masturbation addiction. Read it all with a grain of salt. And approach everything in your initial recovery with skepticism.
I'm not a huge fan of Patrick Carnes because he seems to miss a basic idea about recovery that I think is important. But this book really is great for exploring your addiction. I would recommend it in small doses. It is highly interactive and it is sometimes very challenging to work with. This book is best used with the help of a therapist.
Get rid of your unhealthy habits! You deserve to be happy! Here is a lifehack for not bringing your phone to bed at night. This trick was essential to my recovery.
yeah tobacco is definitely addictive. i dont smoke that anymore, i quit after i read this book http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
im not the kind of guy who reads self help books for but some reason that one worked on me
Not cannabis, but Allen Carr's book on working smoking (nicotine) was helpful for me. Helps you realize that with addiction, you think your giving something up when really you're only gaining. There is no benefit to smoking nicotine. You have just trained yourself to believe there is
Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615482155/
I used to smoke cigarettes, I love a cigar still, but I did not use medication for it.
Everyone says the withdrawals are bad with a cigarette. They do suck - but that's not the hard part about quitting. And it's the only part medication will help with.
Check out /r/stopsmoking and Allen Carr's book http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easyway-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155 ,
PDF here http://www.jogasveikatai.lt/Allen-Carr_Easy-Way-To-Stop-Smoking_Download-free-PDF-EBook
Have you watched the Alan Carr video, or read
Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking
When you're ready to quit: This book will help you!
Seriously. I started when I was 12, quit when I was 28. Tried everything, then tried this book.
Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking
Worth every penny.
This is a great book about the subject, with a lot of stoic ideas throughout: http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Art-Learning-Journey-Performance/dp/0743277465/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396904121&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+art+of+learning
The whole book is awesome, I posted my favourite quotes here: http://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/21pl8l/some_amazing_stoic_quotes_from_the_book_the_art/
I have a book to recommend to you. Day recommanded it before me to:
The Art of Learning
Beyond the fact that, among other things, this book addresses stress issues in tournament style events, it is also written in a relaxed way and talks a lot about chess, the spirtual father of SC.
It's about the journy of an international chess champion and how he overcame his personality flaws on his way to greatness, and in more than one aspect.
I deeply recommand it for you. Perhaps you should take a short break from SC, study this book a bit, and come back refreshed and armed with new tools to address your anxiety and panic issues.
Just in case you're a bit sceptical, in chapter three of this book (i think), real solidified excersises and methods to overcome different aspects of stress under pressure are supplied, that will, in time, turn your stress and worries to useful tools to improve with and from.
Hope you pick this book up, it helped me alot. And still does.
And ggs all around
Read The Art of Learning
I have three of them. Meditations, Tao Te Ching, and Man's Search for Meaning.
I read Tao Te Ching many years ago. I think it was above my reading level at the time as I can't recall much about it. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was reading or properly digesting it.
I have the Gregory Hays' version of Meditations. It's up next after I'm done Flow. So far Flow mentions quite a few things I recognize from Stoicism. Directly mentions Diogenes in the first chapter.
Man's Search for Meaning will probably follow shortly after Meditations.
I've only heard of the Bhagavad Gita, so that's as familiar as I am with it. I assume it's a book of wisdom or something like that from India.
I do make notes of the books I read, so if you'd like I can forward them to you when they're ready. Currently putting together some for How to Read a Book, The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey to Optimal Performance, and Atomic Habits.
If you're not into podcasts, they might be a good place to start.
Tim Ferris is probably the best one for this type of thing right now. He has a fan subreddit and someone has written about their favourite episodes here.
Ferris also talks about journaling, which I also recommend. here's an article on it.
There are books on learning, such as The Art of Learning. A guy called Derek Sivers summarises all the books he reads here. He's read and summarised one on language learning here.
On learning effectively, in addition to the links above you could read this or this. Someone on Reddit has also talked about motivation, if that is something you struggle with. Finally, someone was kind enough to summarise a course they did here. This guy's blog might help you.
There is also some stuff on memorisation which is useful for language learning here, here, and here. There is also the sub /r/memorization for it.
Anything related to mnemonics is useful in my opinion. I use them for vocabulary primarily, but I've also built a number memorisation system.
I have a multireddit of the subs along those lines that I frequent, but you might only want to subscribe to those that are relevant for you: https://www.reddit.com/user/Virusnzz/m/life/
There are some more general blogs here, here, and here.
Anything further I think is going to depend on your interests. If you have some things you've had a mind to teach yourself or work on feel free to mention them and I might have something.
Piggybacking this comment for "how to learn", which I see other people are curious about.
2 books that I've found helpful in terms of learning how to learn, and would recommend to others:
You might recognise the last author's name - Josh became a bit of a sensation when he won his first national chess championship at age 9, proceeded with an illustrious career for the next 10 years, until he decided he wanted to learn martial arts - and became the world champion of Tai Chi Chuan.
Both are good reads (neither are exceptional), and will give a good understanding of how to go about acquiring a new skill set with the least amount of wasted time and effort.
> I still have a bad attitude/ego problem with BJJ. It's really unfortunate, because I'm actually pretty terrible and lose almost every fight I get into, and I know my frustration/lack of perspective is holding me back.
Might also want to check out Josh Waitzkin's book
I couldn't quite get into The Art of Learning, but it is well-reviewed, and written by a high-level practitioner of BJJ.
This book is a great place to start, even if only to inspire you. I really enjoyed it and listen to it about once a year if not more.
Happy to someone interested in learning how to learn, since it is the ultimate skill. Happy learning!
Sorry for the delay! Here comes a long response.
> How did you become an exchange student? What did you do? Was it with a school or was it an external thing?
While taking Japanese in high school, my teacher told us about Rotary International. They do all kinds of charitable work and whatnot, and one of the things they do is sponsor students for foreign exchange. Here's a link to find your nearest club. Of course my parents helped me pay for it, but the cost was relatively low. Around $3k if I remember correctly, for a whole year of living abroad with a host family and going to school over there. I was 17 at the time. Highly recommend checking it out.
> Will 100 words a day be enough to be fluent in a year?
If by "100 words a day", you mean memorizing 100 words a day, then no, of course not. Memorizing vocab is important, obviously--and I'd recommend starting with something like this: 1000 most common Japanese words.--but you'll hit a wall very quickly if that's your only source of study.
If you just want to speak 100 words a day that you already know, then yes, that's an awesome place to start. The secret to learning languages is to speak the words that you know every day, as often as possible. I recommend finding someone to talk to, and there are a million websites out there to help you out with that. Check out /r/languagelearning and /r/Japanese, if you haven't already.
> How is memory retention after not being exposed to Japanese after a month?
Hard to say; that's a pretty subjective question. My memory retention after a month was phenomenal; now after 10+ years, not so much. But again, that's going to change with the individual, how much exposure he had previously, etc etc. Type of exposure is important too, I think. After I lived in Japan for 11 months, for example, my memory retention was obviously much better than it would have been after taking four years of high school Japanese and then never looking at another hiragana after graduation.
> How much do you think emotion affects learning? How much do you think desire affects learning, as opposed to no desire at all?
These are interesting questions, and I'm not sure I'll be able to get as deep into answering them as I might if we were talking face to face. Learning is a fascinating topic--check out The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin--and one's capacity for learning can be affected by all sorts of things.
To address your question specifically, both desire and emotion can affect learning, and it's my opinion that emotion plays a larger part in that effect.
For example, take a student who hates going to school and doesn't want to learn a goddamned thing. That student still recognizes the importance of getting his diploma, so he puts his nose to the grindstone, sits through his awful classes, and he graduates.
On the flip side, a student who wants nothing more than to graduate with a 4.0 might have a hard time paying attention if he's constantly distracted because he is depressed, anxious, angry or melancholic.
See the difference? Our brains will take in information and force us to learn things whether we want it to or not. But if our mental energy is being sapped by our negative emotions, that job becomes a lot more difficult. What you are really referring to here is focus. If you can get around a lack of desire and your conflicting negative emotions and find a place of focus, you'll learn.
(On that note, if lack of focus is an issue for you, start meditating--check out headspace. They have a fantastic app that will give you 10 free 10-minute sessions. I use the app all the time and have cycled the 10 free sessions probably 100 times. No need to buy the premium version to reap the benefits. Just do one session at night before bed. We can definitely get more into the other benefits of meditating if you're ever interested.)
I'll second this. I don't know if I would put it under the "self help" line of books but it is quite interesting and will change how you think about certain subjects. Take it slow, it does get a little slower towards the end. You will also take different points from it from multiple reads.
You might also enjoy The Art of Learning.
Thanks for the recommendation, it sounds like an interesting book so I'll likely pick it up. Allow me to make a recommendation of my own: The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin.
Young chess master becomes disillusioned and turns to Tai Chi, which leads him into transferring his competitive spirit into Tai Chi push hands, where he becomes the world champion. Eventually he switches again, this time over to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Along the way he learns a lot about the nature of performance and how to learn efficiently to a master level in different disciplines.
Listed below is a list of resources that help me get started with entrepreneurship, I recommend that you start listening to podcast first and then migrate to the books; if you can do both. Indulge!
All of the sites listed above will give you an idea of how the game is played if you want to learn more in-depth I recommend https://www.udemy.com/courses/ . If you have any questions just hit me up! hope this helps or at least give you an idea.
The biggest difference maker between a high level player who plays for fun and pro gamers is Deliberate Practice.
If you're going to rise from 1800 mmr to pro level, you'll need deliberate practice, and a lot of it. If you're not familiar with the term, here are a couple books and an article to introduce you to the subject. Learning these techniques will have benefits far beyond dota.
The first goal is to prepare your fundamentals. There are plenty of other comments in this thread to help you there. You should build a working knowledge of every hero in dota. How? Don't just play games. For every single hero in dota, do the following.
At this point, ask yourself if you can see yourself playing this hero long term. You should be looking to whittle down the pool from ~115 to ~20. If so:
At this point, you should have 700-800 games of dota under your belt. If you haven't improved to at least ~3.5k during this whole process (yes I know you've been learning heroes.), then pro dota is not in the cards for you.
If you have improved, choose AT MOST 5 heroes, the best heroes you've got, to become your hero pool. Why? Because once you've learned the fundamentals, everything you can improve upon requires playing against better players. The longer you're in the trench, the longer you're solidifying bad habits. You're getting away with stuff that will be punished at higher mmr. Therefore...
The second goal is to gain MMR. Like, at least 5000 higher than your current MMR. One important thing to realize is that it's possible to obtain a high MMR without any concept of teamwork whatsoever. You can begin working on your teamwork now, but KEEP IN MIND that this practice can be counterproductive at low MMR, as many patterns you will learn will change as you get better.
Spam. Get a coach. Tryhard. Watch replays. Get yourself out of the trench. DON'T buy an account. Don't rely on your teammates. Watch replays, take notes. Win at all costs. We want to be playing against better players.
If you actually make it to 6k, I think you'll know enough to be able to know how to take the next step.
This has happened to me too. Its time, in my opinion, to stop, and to focus on the hard work of walking the path towards elevating your normal mindset closer to the altitude of the one you experience when you do drugs.
You might be interested in this comment that I actually just wrote right before I wrote this one. Especially my latter response.
The thing is, drugs open your mind to see the possibilities. But then you come back. Back into the world, where mundaneness rules, where you have many personal flaws, where life hits you with problems, and where its often hard to see the light.
Drugs are like a helicopter ride to see the path and the endpoint. But in reality, you have to walk the path. And walking the path is hard. It takes daily effort against the powerful forces of habit. Look to the Buddhists. They are the only ones I know of who are actually walking this path. Meditation and a continual focus on building positive mental qualities are key here.
My blueprint is sort of based on two books. One is Buddhism without beleifs, and the other is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which despite the title, is actually about developing qualities in yourself such as honesty, courage, patience, and others.
When you're done reading these, join disposable social circles (sign up for things like yoga, pilates, dance classes, etc) and practice the skills you've learned. Apply the INTJ skill-building process (practice, analysis, refinement, rinse and repeat), and in around 1 year you will be a social ace.
Yea no worries. You may have already read some of his work, but Robert Cialdini's book Influence discusses this, and other social psychology principles in depth. It's a fascinating book and is an enjoyable read.
> How could she refuse these guys after they threw this grand party in her honor?
I'm reading Influence by Rober Cialdini and reciprocation is a powerful motivator of behavior. It's the reason hare krishna give out flowers before asking for donations. And, the effect is more potent when it engages our emotional system (ahem like being honored in some way for our character or creativity). And, people chronically lie to themselves about how much they are influenced by the need to reciprocate.
One may also look for RASCLS, as laid down in An Alternative Framework for Agent Recruitment: From MICE to RASCLS (.pdf, 12 pages) by Randy Burkett in Studies in Intelligence 57:1, March 2013. RASCLS builds on work by psychologist Robert Cialdini, notably his famous book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion that was originally published in 1984 and remain a common read in social engineering.
According to Burkett:
>Case officers who rely exclusively on the MICE framework risk failing to see the full complexities involved in an agent’s decision to spy and will miss opportunities to persuade and motivate agents to improve their performance. Instead, they will focus on taking advantage of vulnerabilities to exercise control. Over time, the negative focus could lead case officers to view and treat their agents as fundamentally flawed human beings who need to be punished or coerced into compliance.
>The work of psychologist Dr. Robert Cialdini offers more positive approaches. His six “weapons of mass influence” — reciprocation, authority, scarcity, commitment/consistency, liking, and social proof—provide a better foundation for agent recruitment and handling.
Like MICE, RASCLS can be considered both from attack & defense perspective, for instance recruitment of agents & screening/monitoring (prospective) personnel for potential vulnerability to, inter alia, such recruitment. Do note that MICE & RASCLS offer a what, not a how; and that protection from insider threats also depends on information security, cultivation of a security culture, and so on.
For other (non-paywalled) reading on insider threats, see the downloads at https://www.signpostsix.com/downloads/, categorized as follows:
(Disclaimer: I'm not an expert on this.)
Everything you learned in your course is inside this book.
It's a pretty awesome book... it's mired in social psychology and actual research, which is an upgrade compared to the anecdotal approach of a lot of social psychology books.
Thank you for your thoughtful feedback.
It's actually far, far more complicated than that - and your assumption seems to be that I was referring to visual queues. I am actually talking about verbal queues.
Again, you are more than welcome to your opinion. But as somewhat of an eternal student of my discipline, I am aware of the psychology relating to my industry and how it is frequently and heavily abused. It might be a comforting thought to assume that there is only perhaps "a set group of people" that you suppost just "weren't raised to realize" their actual level of need, is completely inaccurate.
You've also assumed that my particular take and "my target audience" are these people. You've actually completely underestimated the entire practice. YOU are our target audience. YOU the supposedly discerning consumer, who couldn't possible buy a product you don't need or believe in something ultimately wrong for you. Why buy HTC? Why mention the brand? You've just told me that you have had one for a long time that is perfectly functional - you just recommended me a product and you didn't even realise it. Your character profile and your convictions make that recommendations all the more powerful. Don't you think people like me know that...? There's not enough people with enough funds of those your assume are my targets - so where do you think my industry goes next....?
Now, I grant you that I have discussed consumer focused advertising but I actually don't work in consumer focused advertising. I work in public focused advertising. My particular line of work is one of behavioral change. For everyone - and that means you. Just because I'm not trying to sell you a product, doesn't mean that I haven't dirtied my soul manipulating the supposedly 'discerning' public, of things they don't really want, need, believe or understand. In most cases, it's the final point. I don't say that as coldly as it sounds - people get tired and mental fatigue is the number one cause of silly beliefs and purchases. We take on too much in the modern world, and hence can't effectively cognitively process to make better decisions in our current lifestyles.
So, again, to assume advertising is just about trying to make you buy the latest product, is a vast underestimation of the industry. It is also an opinion that is created irrespective of the facts or figures and years of research both in academic circles and industry - from the corporations like Coke-a-Cola who specifically created Coke Zero because Diet Coke was a female orientated product and this was hailed as the 'male equivalent' because market research indicated that a low fat version of the product needed to be more manly to sell, to offices like mine - where we frequently commission market research to see the public awareness of issues we are promoting and targeting demographic and much much more to enlist behaviourial changes, as so desired by those above us.
Why do you trust such things in the hands of those who can and will profit from you despite what you really want?
If you want to learn more about a topic, read up on it (I recommend this as a starter for 10). Don't assume you're above it, or impervious to it, because at the end of the day? That's what we want you to think.
they're referring to the book by Robert Cialdini
I'd start with Cialdini and a list of logical fallacies.
My psychology professor absolutely raves about Influence by Robert Cialdini.
I read it, and it's really good. The author is a psychology researcher who actually got part-time sales jobs to test out his theories, and found out what works and what doesn't. My professor used some of his techniques, and was actually able to use them against the sales people to get a few thousand dollars knocked off the price of the car.
I have some more books that I personally like:
What everybody is saying: https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467738244&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=body+language
Body Language: https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467738244&amp;sr=8-4&amp;keywords=body+language
For those who haven't heard of Cialdini.
At first glance, I think you need to make your story more of a priority. People don't buy things just because you put products in front of them. They want to feel connected in some way.
Check out THIS BOOK for more info on selling. It's been the best book I have ever read as far as business goes.
I think it's just a matter of building out your brand at this point. Keep on rockin!
The breakthroughs in psychology aren't found in university research. All about the pharma labs, ad agencies, and sales/marketing departments with the sizable budgets and huge sample sizes.
Edit: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion explores how far ahead business is in psych research. Companies like Google, Facebook, ComScore, etc. also have mountains of data that academic researchers can only dream of. Part of the fun being on the business side. Also the reason that statisticians, data scientists, etc. are hired.
We are train to do that, like animals to read Great book http://www.amazon.fr/influence-Psychology-Robert-PhD-Cialdini/dp/006124189X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1406912661&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=influence+the+psychology+of+persuasion
Haha, that is a very interesting question, one that was I think a bit explained below, but you seem to be open minded, which is great! but just like you believe it is bullshit (which it is), your mind is just as open minded about it being real. I quote /u/Ish_the_Stomach
> Helping the subject stay relaxed and open minded to the possibility that the cards have something to say to them.
That said if you're interested, pm and I can send you two books that I've read on these types of subjects called:
Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely
[Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion] (https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X) by Robert Cialdini
They are good ebooks and to anwer your question. Humans are wired that way.
I would give this a read:
Very relevant, and very good, book by Cialdini:
OK, you've suddenly made me want to write a lot. I think I'll split my response into multiple comments, addressing different things.
>But the desire will never be satisfied, so long as conservatives cannot form logical arguments to support their beliefs, or form logical rebuttals of my arguments.
I think this is your biggest mistake. Over the last 2 years I've been diving into why people believe what they do, and why they are convinced by some people and not by others. Logic is almost always the weakest way to convince anyone - regardless of their leanings.
I strongly recommend the books The Righteous Mind and Influence which dive into some of the reasons why. I've also been reading up on negotiation skills, and while logic/reason is part of the toolset, it is merely one of a number of tools.
People will naturally listen to their ingroup, and be wary of their outgroup. The arguments you use do not work because you are in their outgroup. Were someone whom they felt were very similar in beliefs to give those same arguments, they're much more likely to listen. So you are already at a disadvantage.
Most people will listen to logical arguments, once they believe you are trying to explore mutually, and not merely trying to change their opinion. All change comes from within, and they want to believe you are equally willing to change your mind and understand their perspective. In reality, perhaps you are, but there's a whole lot of effort that needs to be performed to signal that. Just saying "Let's talk" is way insufficient.
A phrase often used "You should be able to state their world view back to them as they themselves would state it." Once you get there, they are much more likely to listen.
There are many other tactics to get someone to the point where they will listen to logic. But you have to do the legwork.
BTW, almost all negotiations/communications book point out: If you give up often and justify it with "They're irrational" or "They just won't listen to reason", then you are just looking for an exit and an excuse. You do not understand/know how to reach them, and so you are sleeping better at night by labeling the other person. To convince anyone, you have to do some leg work, and you're trying to shortcut that by saying "Logic should be sufficient". It isn't. Not for conservatives and not for liberals. Trust me - I've lived with both, and been treated as an outsider by both at various times. They are equally prone to not listening to logic. This is a human condition, not a conservative condition.
Now a lot of liberals do view scientists as part of their ingroup. And so they are much more likely to accept (usually uncritically) what the scientific community says. This is not because liberals are more likely to listen to logic. It is because they are more likely to listen to scientists.
>As long as conservatives continue to believe these things, without logical explanations, and are unable/refuse to rationally rebut my counter arguments, there is no reason for me to waste my valuable time and energy on them.
The truth is: They are likely saying the same about you.
I'll respond to the more specifics of your comment later.
If you want to pay $4,500, do not offer him $4,500.
Offer him $3,700
Of course he is not going to accept that. So when he says that he can't go that low, here is what you do:
Say nothing. Literally nothing. Press your top lip to your bottom lip and do not say anything.
He will start talking. Let him go. He will make you a counter offer, but stay silent as long as possible.
When he finally gives you a number, look disappointed and back away from the vehicle. Tell him that you have to think about it. And walk away - physically leave the premises.
Walking away from the table is a very powerful negotiating tactic. (I am assuming that he already has your phone number - if he doesn't, make sure you give it to him before you begin negotiations).
For more on how to build skills on influencing and persuading people, check out Influence and Pre-Suasion by Dr. Robert Cialdini.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Dr. Robert Cialdini
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, revised edition.
We don't need to be so general. Just ask the believer a simple situation. If I put a gun to your head and said I'll shoot you unless you sincerely believe in Athena, can you do it? Do you have that volitional control over your beliefs? Neither do I.
What they generally mean is something more along the lines of "fake it till you make it." Act like the belief is true, give open assent to it being true, adhere to the rituals and practices and ceremonies, agree agree agree, and eventually your mind will come around and start to believe.
I suggest reading books like Cialdini's Influence on why that works, and how advertisers, propagandists, and yes, religious leaders exploit this to manipulate us. They encourage you to just "try it on for size," knowing that, due to our aversion to cognitive dissonance, our mind will start conforming to fit our outward actions so we can rationalize that we haven't been lying or wasting our time. It does work, but it doesn't make the belief actually true. It's just a textbook means of manipulation and control.
You should try reading, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. It explains how your hubby was tricked.
Hint: borrow it for free from your local library. They may even have an eBook version. After all, you paid the taxes for it.
I agree about the book - http://www.amazon.com/The-Hard-Thing-About-Things/dp/0062273205 - best one I've read about startups.
This one is good as well to improve sales: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/006124189X?pc_redir=1408025460&amp;robot_redir=1
For fun stuff check out http://www.startupvitamins.com - you can get posters, mugs, etc., their "Get Shit Done" mug is the most popular item.
There are a lot of pop psychology books that cover at least the social psychological parts of what I learned:
The Person and Situation by Lee Ross and Richard Nisbett
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
What Makes Love Last by John Gottman
Nudge by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein
(Caveat: I've only read Thinking, Fast and Slow and Nudge, but the others are from well-respected authors/leaders in their fields.)
In order to make and keep friends we must be friendly. We must be interested, not interesting.
People in general love to be listened to. They want to tell their story. They want to share their accomplishments and interests.
You may want to do all that stuff also, and that's great. But consider the type of people that easily get along with everyone: the listener. The listener is interested in what other people have going on in their lives. They ask questions about their friends. They show genuine interest in other people's lives, accomplishments, and interests.
It can be taxing to always be interested instead of interesting, but luckily there's the social law of reciprocity. When we give to others, they will feel socially compelled to give back. If we are genuinely interested in other people and carefully listen to what they have to say, and let them know we are interested in what they have to say, then anyone worth being a friend with will reciprocate and be interested back in you. A way of expressing this via idiom is to "Dig the well before you are thirsty."
To learn more about the law of reciprocity and other tools that will help you understand social dynamics and how they affect our relationships and our work I recommend reading the book Influence.
I spoke to another co-worker, and he recommended these books (and I think they will definitely be a good starting point).
This reminds me of a story out of the book Influence. A lady to quit smoking sent a letter to each of her friends (over 20 as I recall) saying she was going to quit smoking. The social obligation to live up to ones word was enough to get her to quit.
Learn how your brain and body effect your behavior subconsciously.
The first step in learning any practical skill is to familiarize yourself with your tools, if you want to be a woodworker, you need to understand how a saw, hammer and nails work, if you want to be a programmer, you need to understand how to type and how to use your IDE and compiler.
It's surprising to me that so few people take the time to examine how their automatic responses dictate their behavior, when it really is such a fundamental building block for any sort of mental/emotional development.
Here's a few books to get you started (you'll probably be able to find all of these at your local library as well):
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion
Also, an oddly insightful series of fiction books, The War against the Chtorr series by David Gerrold expands upon the idea of treating your brain like a machine that you're been programming without knowing it since birth and how to become consiously aware of your 'programming' so that you can better direct your actions. The thought exercises he invents in the stories presents some intriguing ideas.
The point of all these books would be to help you build a base of understanding of the tools that we are ALL working with, and from there you can much more easily, and consciously work toward becoming the kind of person you want to be, whatever specific form that takes is up to you.
I think it's important to approach personal development like this, in the same way that it is important to understand how addition and subtraction work before you try to understand how calculus works :)
Mitnick's books are indeed mostly anecdotal, but The Art of Deception spends quite some time to explain WHY the attack worked and how it could have been mitigated. If you are to read one of Mitnick's books, this is definitely the one closer to what you want to do
As /u/demonbrew suggested, Cialdini's Influence is an iconic book on how you can use psychology to manipulate others. There are other schools, and you can read more about it in this thesis (as you can see Social Engineering was really popular at my university). My focus was Cialdini's work, my colleagues focused on comparing different psychological frameworks used in Social Engineering.
Carnegie's book is indeed focused in socializing, but the TL;DR of the book is: "How do i make people like me?". If you combine this, with one of the Cialdini principles - "Liking" - you can see how it can help you improve your Social Engineering skills
My Top 3 Favourite Psych Books:
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is a must read.
I recommend reading Robert Cialdini's Influence
I liked the book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion:
Don't think you're immune.
On a personal note, right now I'm going through three year's of tax files. Plenty of problems here, mate. Thousands and thousands of them.
Ninja Edit - have a read of this book: Influence by Dr Robert Cialdini. - It's quite revealing, easy and fun reading and fairly cheap.
A book that was given to me, and read by some of the smartest people around, that isn't too difficult to find, but you'll miss out on the science of persuasion if you don't read it, is Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by the renowned Professor Emeritus of Psychology, Robert Cialdini. This book, written when big hair and leg warmers were in, Influence contains the timeless secrets of getting people to say yes with just a few simple methods. You too can learn to defend yourself from the Influence of others and at the same time, get others to say yes. You won't want to miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to learn something new and wonderful.
These are some great books I've read recently:
Influence: Psychology of Persuasion. How salespeople use psychology tricks on you.
Power of now. The present moment is the only thing that exists. Very deep book and not too hard to get through.
Psycho-cybernetics. A book about psychology, more about improving your self-image and confidence.
Think and grow rich. A good book that will motivate you to work harder.
Way of the superior man. Great book on relationships with women and what it means to be a man.
Mediations by Marcus Aurelius, nearly 2000 year old book! Great wisdom in here but I'd read some of these other books first. Make sure you get this version (Gregory hays translation) if you do buy the book, as apparently it has the best translation.
> The point is, I shouldn't have to dress masculine to be taken seriously in my job.
But that's just human psychology. We're like that. There's even research on the subject. See Influence Psychology, Chapter 5. Paraphrasing the conclusion, if you want people to like you, dress like them.
Obvious example, if you want to raise funding from investors, don't dress like a hippy.
This is a HUGE subject. Thousands of books have been written on it. Classes are given on it. Clubs exist to sharpen this skill. So, there are a lot of ways you can work on this.
Look into books/classes on Salesmanship. Sales is all about convincing people with your words (compare to marketing, which is more about using commercials, product placement, packaging, etc etc to convince people). Zig Ziglar is a famous salesman who has written a lot of books (I haven't read any though).
A great book I have read is Influence: The Psychology of Pursasion. Also look into more manipulative books on the subject like Machiavelli's "The Prince", and Robert Greene's "48 Laws of Power".
One big key with sales / persuasion, is you need to tailor your pitch to the person you are talking to. Even when addressing a large audience you still need to do this.
This is a little hard for me to explain and I have little proof, but here it is:
There are certain memes that will destroy their faith. Critical thinking, strong logic, or the idea our reality is the only one. They must cling to style over substance, soundbytes over reason, and authority over their own understanding. Learning to argue with us will make them us.
Also, they see everything from their point of view so we must think like them as well. They can't conceive of anything else. So they think if we thoroughly understood their position then we would become them.
EDIT: You can learn more about this phenomenon and other topics at your local library. (You know: The socialist place that's about to get shut down in Republican states. So get there fast.) I recommend: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion and the free book The Authoritarians.
It's not about being deep it's about psychology and automatic responses, people become happy when they see or hear happy people and it gives you an advantage.
So a kinda good example of this is canned or fake laughter in comedy shows, the audience tends to hate it and to be honest I don't think i know anyone who even likes it. But comedy shows put it in anyway, why? because it makes jokes funnier especially bad jokes, and if people think a show is funny they watch it more. I would give you evidence for this but i can't find it right now sorry. But it was brought to my attention via this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-B-PhD-Cialdini/006124189X
(the audiobook is quite good too)
Often people find it easy to fake happy smiles, but the eyes require much more work and happy eyes are the key, in my opinion, to having a happy looking face. I try to think of something that makes me happy (my first kiss, maybe a good thing that's happened recently etc.) and that tends to take care of my eyes.
As in more defined vs more chubby but happy it depends, in a social situation more happy is better and in a situation where they can see by your body that you aren't fat then happy is better too. Only face close ups are when I'd think about maybe avoiding the round faced "issue". It's something you'll have to check in the mirror to see for yourself.
I'm not into self help either :/ influence wasn't self help or was it ? I'm talking about this one: http://www.amazon.in/gp/aw/d/006124189X
I'm in Bombay. Where do you park your submarine ;) ?
read books, good salesmanship is simply understanding who you're selling too. There's plenty of good books on negotiation and psychology etc that you can read to understand the mindset of the people you're selling to.
Read it all. There's books about the power of yes, trying to get them to agree to little things and get used to saying yes before you ask them the big thing. There's another book about the power of no, how getting people to say no can help you get a final yes at the end. It's very interesting to read both sides of the argument and you can use your knowledge of both sides to craft your sale pitches.
And finally since i don't want to seem like i'm a long winded person that just throws out words, here's two book recommendations -Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It by Chris Voss and Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini
I am reading Epictetus' Enchiridion right now and I suggest buying it. $2 on Amazon.
Art of Living: http://www.amazon.com/Art-Living-Classical-Happiness-Effectiveness/dp/0061286052
That AoL book doesn't have the most amazing reviews, but I think it is the only version. Does anyone know of another/better version?
I haven't personally had issues with time management, but after talking to some of my classmates that have and looking through the internet it seems that Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity by David Allen is a good one as it seems to appear on multiple top lists for everyday productivity.
Here's a good field manual.
Read this book: Getting Things Done. It will change the way you perceive and interact with life!
Getting Things Done, in all seriousness, changed my life.
I can tell you that in a situation like you describe, not recording all of the various things that came up, so you can work on them later and be confident that you know all the issues are accounted for, will bite you sooner or later. It probably already has, at some point in your career. You spaced a request in the hall from your boss to look at an issue on a server because you were juggling a dozen other things and trying to keep them all in your head.
Get in the habit of recording tasks as soon as you discover them or are assigned them. When you have it represented as a list rather than trying to rack your brain because you know there was something really important I'm forgetting shit what was it you're a more effective person in general.
Feel free to PM me.
I try to follow GTD https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0143126563
Tool wise I use Trello, and Google Calendar.
I would start looking around for another job right now. Getting promoted makes you more hireable, and it seems that the job they've given you is impossible to do properly. You're overstressed now just trying to stay afloat, which is probably the same thing your former boss went through before giving up.
For now, your two best friends are prioritization and time management. Make sure you have a good idea of which tasks are most important and most urgent, so you're not wasting time on things that aren't important, won't be noticed, or which won't be important until a long time from now.
And learn to manage your time better. Almost everyone can and should get better at time management. Do you ever feel like you'd like to stop time for 2 hours a day, just so you could use that time to catch up on things? Better time management can get you those two hours a day.
You might want to check out [Getting Things Done](http://www.Getting.com/ Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143126563/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Mc4kyb5C05NBB), by David Allen. I found it very helpful in dealing with those exact issues.
The Highly Sensitive Person - By Elaine N. Aron
>Has therapy been helpful for you INTJ's with depression?
Yes. I highly recommend it. You can talk with the psychotherapist briefly first to see if they would work as your "mental health provider," and if not, you can go try a different one.
I saw a therapist for a year near the end of high school because of massive depression. She helped me immensely move through my own shit, recommended future plans, and got me to read a few really good books, such as this one. Note that this book does not apply to all INTJs, but I think a lot of you could identify with what is inside it.
I'm actually about to go back to a therapist because I've got a few things in my life that I cannot seem to work out myself (not for lack of trying). I've got a "trial appointment" with him next week. I'm super busy with school, so I don't have time to dedicate several hours per week to working through this stuff on my own. Of course some psychotherapists may only be able to help you as much as you can help you, but they can usually do it much more quickly and much more efficiently. Others can help you more than you can help yourself (at least in your present condition).
There's a really good book about HSP. It's probably at your library.
I recommend getting outside in nature or somewhere calming/relaxing to you as much as possible. Get away from loud noises, fluorescent lights, too many people, etc. whenever you can.
Also talk to your doctor about your meds. Your anxiety and wilder mood swings should be better controlled at the very least. CBT can help with that as well.
Hey thanks for mentioning this. I am HSP and honestly forget about that in dealing with all of the bipolar stuff.
... you should check out this book!
I was a lot like you at school. Still am. I am 45.
Do crowds overwhelm you? Do you read everyone moods when you walk in to a crowd?
Does it stress you that you sense so much?
You could be highly sensitive person:
"Do you have a keen imagination and vivid dreams? Is time alone each day as essential to you as food and water? Are you "too shy" or "too sensitive" according to others? Do noise and confusion quickly overwhelm you? If your answers are yes, you may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
Most of us feel overstimulated every once in a while, but for the Highly Sensitive Person, it's a way of life. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist, workshop leader and highly sensitive person herself, shows you how to identify this trait in yourself and make the most of it in everyday situations. Drawing on her many years of research and hundreds of interviews, she shows how you can better understand yourself and your trait to create a fuller, richer life. "
I was one. Still am. A woman found me through internet and we were married for 16 years. But it ended due to my disease (epilepsy).
You are 16. Son you have a life ahead of you.
School. DO NOT GIVE UP ON IT! Find a way to fit in. Find your place. I think I started to like high school when I was 17. I was awkward before then.
Your feeling about you never finding anyone.
Welcome to adulthood. Everyone feels that at one point or another in their life. Some less. Some more.
Killing yourself. You are precious. People may not tell that to you. But yes. You are precious. You have to learn to love yourself. So you can love others. If you do not love yourself. You will have hard time loving others.
You will end up in a co dependent relationship where your happiness depends on the other. Ideally in a relationship there would be some breathing space. Some room. I think my wife left me because I was hanging on her too much once I got sick.
Some people find that very stifling. People need their freedom. You may not feel that way. But yes they do.
Stop telling yourself that you are going to kill yourself. That creates more anxiety. Which leads to you thinking about her even more (because when you feel bad the brain tries to cope by thinking about what made you feel better).
So you will be stuck in a loop. If you stop thinking about killing yourself. You will probably not think about her as much.
Be open to happiness.
YOU ARE 16!
You have a working body right? No broken back like I have. Feet that do not ache?
May I tell you about our lord and savior exercise.
If you are not already doing it..
Start running. Lifting weights. Bicycling. Whatever? You will feel so good once you get into shape. Also I imagine it is going to help with the girls.
Exercise high is not a made up thing. It is real.
Also on a real bad moment. Eating does help. Momentarily. But if you are feeling very bad. It is instant serotonin boost.
Now of course exercise would be better..
Just my 2 cents.
God I wish I was 16.. :D
If you haven't already read it, I would highly recommend The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron.
I can certainly relate to exactly what you have described. This book helped me to better understand myself, realize that I'm not the only one feeling this way, and put a name to the way that I was feeling. I would love to hear what you think of it!
This is a short answer and i am sorry for that, but I hope some of these things can help.
I am reading this right now. It is amazing and can give you so much confidence. It is NOT something you read through in one sitting. It is in your face truth and helpful tips.
Also for some community support, try these websites.
The first two have live chats but are harder to navigate. MD is easier to navigate the site.
I suggest you read: http://amzn.com/0553062182
Practicing assertiveness can free you from being a people pleaser, even with your mother, unless she's a narcissist.
"When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" is the classic: https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
This is one of the only books that has literally changed my life. Sometimes I still say yes when I mean no, but now I know how to fix it.
There are also workbooks featured on that page, if they're more your style.
Here is The Manual on Self Assertiveness. It's really good. Might help with your challenge.
Hold your ground. I'm having issues with my FH's family too. They are just trying to be helpful, or its tradition, or whatever. His sister is slightly upset (not actually sure how upset she is) that I didn't ask her to stand up in the wedding. (Small wedding party, if we invite her than my brothers have to stand, and I'm closer to my sister in laws than I am to her.. etc)
Anyway - These lines are your best friend.
"I'm sorry you feel that way." Over and Over. And Over. And Over. And however often it takes to get through.
You should not feel guilty.
This is YOUR day. YOUR budget, YOUR party. Take a deep breath. Say it with me. "I'm sorry you feel that way." - "But I want to, I don't want to sit alone" whatever excuse she has. "I'm sorry you feel that way." her family, her friends, FH's parents.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Don't justify yourself. You don't need reasons. This is your party, you are doing the planning and management. You don't need to justify to anyone why you decide something. Be assertive and confident, but also be firm.
After spending a week panicking about things with my FH's family, I had a friend recommend this book - "When I say No, I feel guilty" - http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 It's a little bit old fashioned (written in the 70s) However - it is simple training and techniques in how to be assertive and NOT guilt tripped into doing things that you don't actually want and won't actually make you happy.
Certainly - you can choose to make compromises, however, the worst possible outcome would be that you give in on this, and then her expectation is that with enough pestering and guilt you will give in on everything.
Sorry for being rambly and preachy - but I feel the same way, and I was at my absolute wits end with everything, the book really helped, taking a deep breath also sometimes help. (My FH's mother is also a lawyer, so she is very assertive about what she wants and makes her opinions known.)
We still have some bad days - but I just try to work through it one day at a time. Good luck! Hold your ground! You'll do great!
I've given this book to family, friends and many employees. I hope you actually do read it. If you do, please let me know. I would appreciate it.
When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith
Welcome to OYS!
> Physical: Over the last year, I’ve lost 50 pounds doing a combination of keto and IF. At Christmas time, I let myself slack off and have been basically maintaining weight up until about two months ago, where I really started back in earnest. About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I started lifting at Planet Fitness. I’m finding that I really need a better gym that’s more suited towards actual progress, but it will do fine for these first several months while I build up a little baseline of muscle back. Since starting diet and exercise back in earnest, I’ve lost 5 pounds and feel that I am on track to continue making progress.
Are you tracking your calories and recording your workout reps/sets? What gets tracked gets measured, and what gets measured gets done.
>My short term goal professionally is to pass my FE exam and to take and pass the PE exam when I am eligible a year from now to get a full license.
Pick a date to take both and throw them on the calendar. Then prepare accordingly. It's easy to say "soon", it's not so easy to say "it's happening on [this day]."
>Spiritual: another area that I am certainly lacking in currently, both in self discipline and leadership marriage-wise. I occasionally attend church, but not regularly. And I usually only will attend a service, and not get involved in Sunday school. To me, that needs to change and that is a matter of the self discipline it takes to get myself there every weekend.
Yes, start attending Sunday school classes, that's a good start. Also, I take it you're not reading your Bible every day? I've had more personal transformation since doing that daily than anything else I've done. I have a link to my suggested reading plan in my OYS post each week, check it out and start on today's reading and go forward from there.
>Marriage wise, I really need to work on my wife and her faith.
Nope. Work on you and your faith. Put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help those around you. When you're in a solid place spiritually, then you can try to help her. My guess is that if you really take your faith seriously, attend church and Bible study faithfully, and read your Bible daily she will get on board soon enough. Not by nagging her, but by setting a godly example to follow.
>One issue I do have that isn’t necessarily in my control, is that she is a nurse, and frequently has to work weekends.
Invite her to attend when she's not working, but don't worry if she declines. Just make sure you go and leave the results to God. Focus on getting in the Word when the two of you are together at home, whether she accepts your invitation to join or not. Show that it's important to you.
>This is definitely causing me some frustration, but I believe it’s because I’ve been living in her frame, trying to fit my plans into her schedule. While as the leader of our eventual family, I can’t just disregard her schedule entirely, but I place too much emphasis on trying to make my life fit her rather than have her do it the other way around.
So develop a schedule that works for you, and invite her to join you. Read When I Say No, I Feel Guilty to learn how to say no effectively when she challenges your frame.
>she does seem to have a legitimate medical issue. Sex can be extremely painful for her.
>We thought she had endometriosis, but after getting her checked, there was none to be found.
>We have sex about once a week, but it’s very vanilla and she honestly doesn’t seem to care for it much.
>It’s mostly duty sex.
>My goal here is to eventually get it to where my wife is actively desiring sex, and no longer thinks of it as a painful duty.
Do you see the correlation between each of these things? If ever there was a case of Every Unhappy Wife is a Rape Victim (secular link), I think it's your case.
>I’m not sure if it’s anything RP can fix.
You're right, RP can't fix it. Only YOU can, using RP methods to do so. Yes, there may be an underlying medical issue, but don't let that be the reason until you've become the man God meant you to be. I suspect your wife is no different from most of the rest of the wives here, she just manifests her symptoms of dissatisfaction a little differently.
>I did do some work to game her throughout the day last week and it led to us having much better, more enthusiastic sex.
See? There IS hope!
>I need to get out of the house more. I’ve always been a pretty bad friend to those I care about, simply for the fact that I don’t keep in touch. I hate texting simply for the sake of texting. I need to reconnect with college friends and cultivate those friendships again. I also need to meet new people, and I’m hoping that getting more involved with the church can lead to that.
Yes, this will help develop every aspect of your life. Also, she can't miss you if you're never gone.
>Since college, I’ve been in a cycle of wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, repeat.
The Boring Beta Bob routine. Most of us have been there in one form or another at some point.
>I don’t yet know what hobby I’d like to take up, but I’m certainly looking for one that doesn’t involve a television.
This book may help, along with others in the sidebar
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Oldie but a goodie. Full of practical and straightforward techniques and advice on being assertive.
Also, ask questions. Don't make statements if someone disagrees with you - simply keep asking why. (Think like the Toyota 5 Whys idea). Often you will get to the root of someone's views. You may not agree with it but at least you can establish the basis of someone's opinions/beliefs. Makes it much easier to discuss things from a position of respect because they feel understood and listened to.
Two books for you OP.
Mom = Superwoman
WISNIFG = Kryptonite
Thanks. I got that technique from this book.
Here is a post I wrote about it just after waking up.
BTW, congrats on waking up and your recent fade.
I guess it is this one.
have to download it and read it. I am having a problem with that.
This is a great book that I recommend quite a bit. Seems fitting here: http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
I won't pretend that I understand the specifics of the dynamic between you and your family. That said, my mother was fond of giving "gifts" and then attempting to leverage those gifts later on.
As I got older, I read "When I say No, I feel Guilty." The book was applicable to me in how I interact with my wife, children, mother, boss and coworkers.
I've attached a link at the bottom. Best of luck.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8 taken from a similar post.
The people here commenting, many don't seem to have any first-hand experience with this philosophy. It's similar to those who talk out of their ass about modern Satanism or anything else they don't understand but is associated with "bad" or "taboo" imagery. Buy into the hype and bandwagons and you don't have to actually research and think, how convenient.
The better place to start? https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/. Not as many "seasoned" posters or authority figures of the movement. It is hilarious to me, some of the comments I see below mentioning "controlling" or "manipulative" as keywords. Controlling is furthest from the truth. Now there are some in the PUA movement where the employ high usage of Dark Triad traits (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad) which are of course meant to be manipulative or "harsher" but that's not the norm.
You'll notice that every focus in the MarriedRedPill Sub is ALL about self improvement. It's not manipulation, it's becoming the opposite of needy. Becoming "outcome independent" so that you aren't hinging on expectations of what the other person will do. The goal is to be masculine, strong, and assertive. To be so self assured that you CAN allow someone else in without scaring them off with needy beta behavior. That's it. The idea (and it is a philosophy, you don't have to identify with it) is that we are evolved in this way. The majority of women who want happy marriages are going to do better in a SLIGHTLY submissive role. Submissive doesn't mean lesser, or worth less or any other feminist garbage of the modern age.
The MarriedRedPill Sub really illustrates a captain/co-captain relationship. The idea is that men are leading their lives and a great woman for you will support that and support your mission. They don't process information the same way and DO NOT want to be included in every little thought you have. They want to see you succeed and that fulfills their purpose. They are turned on by your confidence and self assurance. That comforts them. Provides security.
I think the issue is that we are here on INTP. I'm reading through this book now: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 and I have to tell you.... the majority of the people on this sub fall into this kind of male. That book and this one other https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900 will change your life and attitude if you follow the guidance and advice within. It has ZERO mention of red-pill, just psychologists talking about counseling and assertiveness and not being the "nice guy" anymore. It is helping me a lot and I recommend both.
It's not PC to say that women and men are different. Humans are different. Even the races are different in predictable ways. It doesn't mean that they don't all have the same potential or that they should have less opportunity. However, we cannot equalize outcomes. That is up to the individual.
> I think that Reddit is chock-full of people who need a small dose of CBT to help them out...
They need a small dose of Cock–Ball Torture? xD
I know what you mean by being in the exact same position. A good trick is to baby–step whatever you want to achieve; meaning, say you want to workout; the process of getting off your ass and doing it implies a certain expenditure of energy which your brain sub-conciously deems unexpendable so you end up procrastinating. Now, the way to 'trick' your own brain is by baby-stepping the process of going to workout.
First, put on your shorts and t–shirt, then as a step two you can wear your sneakers, third grab your keys and drive to the gym; fourth, since you're already at the gym why not workout?
The trick lies in tricking your brain in every step to execute and by expending energy in every step you're basically sinking costs which are making you commit to complete the task you set out to do.
On the reasons why we procrastinate there's a lot of literature, it is basically a subset of Akrasia and the guys at /r/getdisciplined have a ton of info and resources about it on their faq.
Personally, I want to loose 65lbs, I want to gain some muscle, I want to have more discipline in my life, I want to feel happier, I want to eat better, quit smoking, quit drinking diet pepsi, I want to become more outgoing as I once was, I want to have a sense of purpose on my life, I want to be financially independent, stop feeling insecure about shit, have more self esteem and overall be a better person.
But, the truth is that it's overwhelming, I've placed myself on a cocoon of sorts where I feel comfortable and every-time I want to change something about it I end up falling back into the same pattern.
For example, on Sunday I was making a profile on a freelancer site and I felt simply overwhelmed and scared about how to make a good profile and what steps to take to realize that dream of being financially independent. My reaction on a very deep level was "I want to eat" and thus I ended up getting some cookies instead of having something healthy to eat or even better not getting the cravings at all. Of course, I know why it happened; the fear made me stressed, the stress increased my blood-insulin levels and thus I was hungry.
The problem lies in that stress and fear narrow our perception of reality and forces us to make bad choices because we're basically reacting on a fight–or–flight impulse. So addiction is a conditioned response of instant gratification in the face of stress and fear.
A couple of days ago I was reading Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self–Esteem and a quote from the book really struck deep with me.
>Self-destruction is an act best performed in the dark.
Meaning that, our lack of self-awareness about our own actions is why we keep doing things against our own best interests. Which is were it ties up with CBT because its goal is to increase self–awareness and lead to changes of incorrect behaviour patterns.
It's a great book and a recommended read for anyone feeling lost in their lives, dealing with depression or having a low self-esteem.
To tie it all up, I saw this video today which reminded me that getting out of that comfort–zone cocoon I'm in, is the right path for me.
The REAL Secret To Happiness Lies In This ONE Quick Belief Change
Oh that doesn't sound good. I'm not sure how the UK health system works (I'm from Aus), but is there any way you could see one who cares?
Anyway, if you're interested in learning about self worth and self esteem, I can highly recommend The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
Might not help you right away, but it might give you an idea about why you are feeling the way you are.
> Understanding Emotions
> If a proper education has to include an understanding of thinking, it also has to include an understanding of feelings.
> Unfortunately, many parents implicitly teach children to repress their feelings and emotions-or those which parents find disturbing. "Stop crying or I'll really give you something to cry about!" "Don't you dare get angry!" "Don't be afraid! Do you want people to think you're a sissy?" "No decent girl has such feelings!" "Don't be so excited! What's the matter with you?"
> Emotionally remote and inhibited parents tend to produce emotionally remote and inhibited children. This is accomplished not only through their overt communications but also by their own behavior, which signals to a child what is "proper," "appropriate," "socially acceptable." Further, parents who accept certain teachings of religion are likely to convey the unfortunate notion that there are such things as "evil thoughts" or "evil emotions." "It's a sin to feel that!" The child may learn moral terror of his or her inner life.
> An emotion is both a mental and a physical event. It is an automatic psychological response, involving both mental and physiological features, to our subconscious appraisal of what we perceive as beneficial or harmful to ourself.· Emotions reflect the perceiver's value response to different aspects of reality: "for me or against me," "good for me or harmful," "to be pursued or to be avoided," and so forth .·A discussion of the psychology of emotions may be found in The Disowned Self
> (I omit here certain experiences of anxiety and depression whose roots may be biological and may not fully fit this definition.)
> To cease to know what we feel is to cease to experience what things mean to us. This unconsciousnes~ is often actively encouraged in chil- dren. A child may be led to believe that emotions are potentially dan- gerous, that sometimes it is necessary to deny them, to make oneself unaware of them. The child can learn to disown certain emotions and cease to experience them consciously. On the psychological level, a child deflects awareness, thereby ceasing to recognize or acknowledge certain feelings. On the physical level, a child inhibits breathing, tenses his or her body, induces muscular tensions, and blocks the free flow of feelings , thereby inducing a partial state of numbness.
> I do not wish to imply that parents are the only source of childhood repression. They are not. Children can learn on their own to protect their equilibrium by disowning certain of their feelings, as I discuss in Honor- ing the Self However, it is undeniable that too many parents encourage the practice of emotional repression by making it a tacit condition of their approval.
> As the child grows, he or she may slash away more and more feelings, more and more parts of the self, in order to be accepted, loved, and not abandoned. ,!he child may practice self-repudiation as a survival strat- egy. He or she cannot be expected to understand the unfortunate long- range consequences.
> A teacher is in a position to teach children a rational respect for feelings coupled with an awareness that one can accept a feeling without having to be ruled by it.
> We can learn to own when we are afraid, and accept it, and (for instance) still go to the dentist when it is necessary to do so. We can learn to admit when we are angry, and talk about it, and not resort to fists. We can learn to recognize when we hurt, and own the feeling, and not put on a phony act of indifference. We can learn to witness our feelings of impatience and excitement, and breathe into them, and yet not go out to play until we have finished our homework. We can learn to recognize . our sexual feelings, and accept them, and not be controlled by them in self-destructive ways. We can learn to recognize and accept our emotions without losing our minds. We can learn to wonder: What might my feelings be trying to tell me? What might I need to consider or think about? We can ·learn that a pain or fear confronted is far less dangerous than a pain or fear denied.
> We can learn that we are accountable for what we choose to do, but that feelings as such- are neither moral nor immoral-they simply are. Today, this is the kind of understanding some people gain only in psychotherapy. But in the schools of the future, no one will finish the twelfth grade without having been exposed to these ideas. They will be an integral part of everyone's education because of their clear impor- tance to the achievement of a decent life. We can learn to recognize and accept our emotions without losing our minds.
> It need hardly be added that if a teacher is to succeed in teaching self- acceptance, he or she must be comfortable in accepting the feelings of students, must create an environment in which such acceptance is felt by everyone. Children who feel accepted find it easier to accept them- selves.
> This point was made previously in our discussion of effective parent-ing and of necessity it is made again here. Indeed; virtually all of the principles identified in the preceding chapter have application in the classroom. For example, handling mistakes with benevolence rather than as if they were shameful; for reasons I trust are clear, how a teacher responds to a student's mistakes can have an impact on the rest of the student's life. Few schools today teach the art of thinking and fewer still teach the things I have been saying about emotions. But the schools of the future will have to.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I wouldn't wish low self esteem on my worst enemy.
It's a good thing you turned to this subreddit for help. I'm always really glad to help.
First, I really recommend reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Like it's seriously worth a hard copy and just sitting down and seriously reading the book. It's a nice dissection of what self esteem is and how it affects you. It's a good first step to take to understanding the core problem and will make you aware of some of one's bad habits and mindsets.
Second, start trying to make lists about things in your life. I know it'll feel a bit corny but writing out some of these lists will really help getting things clear in your own mind. Try to cover a few things:
I'd like to read what you write down. Self esteem is awful. I still have self esteem problems but I know I've gotten really great at helping others, even if it's just listening
do some things that you don't tell anyone in your circles about, like reading a self-improvement book. go on a walk (in a safe area at a safe time, obviously) by yourself.
i'm 15 pages into "6 pillars of self esteem" and the bits about self-sabotage are changing my world.
i would sabotage myself because i believed my life should be a certain way. i would doubt myself and refer to others for their opinions. i would tuck my dreams away because those were for other people.
dream about your dream-job, obviously, but also dream about the ways to get there. dream about the ways you could change your current job to be better. sounds lame, but i just got my work to cover my phone bill and switch to a new provider that has better coverage. the little things add up. scheduling your work outs and bringing a work out bag to work might help you get back on track, too. maybe only smoke weed to go to sleep. you are unfulfilled, you want to accomplish more things, i can tell that from the way that you wrote your post. weed can help with stress and insomnia but not so much with a lack of fulfillment.
EDIT: also, only decide to watch tv when you want to put your mind on a low setting. tv is not fulfilling either. at least not for me.
I recommend reading the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. I identify strongly with what you said and I am not exaggerating when I say that book has changed my life. I've gone to therapy, I've reached out to friends, found resources online but nothing quite put a finger on what I was feeling and how it affected my life like the contents of book did. You're right in recognizing that fashion cannot compensate for deeper insecurities. The fact is, whether we try to build confidence through fashion, cultivation a certain personality, taking up a new hobby, we're screwed from the start if we have low-self esteem no matter what we chase.
I think the key is building a healthy relationship with fashion. Take the parts of it that make you feel good or at least comfortable in your skin. It's an art that takes time to become skilled at but is rewarding once you're able to express yourself through it. I don't see working on your fashion sense and working on your self-confidence as mutually exclusive - I am doing exactly that right now.
I'll leave you with some quotes from the book that helped me. I can't recommend it enough - I've been listening to it on audiobook and I'm on my second time around.
"[If we search for validation in our accomplishments...] We will be crippled in our ability to find joy in our achievements. Nothing we do will ever feel like enough. if my aim is to prove that I am enough, the project goes on to infinity because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable. "
"Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves."
"Self-esteem is an intimate experience. It resides in the core of one’s being. It is what I think and feel about myself. The simple fact can hardly be over emphasized. The most effective means of liberation is by raising the level of consciousness one brings to ones own experience. The more one turns up the volume on one’s inner signals, the more ones external signals tend to recede into proper balance. "
"Self-esteem expresses itself in a face, manner, a way of talking and moving that projects the pleasure one takes in being alive. It expresses itself in an ease of talking of accomplishments and shortcomings with directness and honesty, since one is in a friendly relationship to facts. It expresses itself in the comfort one feels in giving and receiving compliments, expressions of affection, appreciation, and the like. It expresses itself in an openness to criticism and a comfort about acknowledging mistakes - because ones self-esteem is not tied to the image of being perfect. It expresses itself when one’s words and movements tend to have a quality of ease and spontaneity, reflecting the fact that one is not at war with oneself. It expresses itself in the harmony between what one says and does and the way one looks, sounds, and moves. It expresses itself in an openness to and a curiosity about new ideas, new experiences, new possibilities of life. It expresses itself in the fact that feelings of anxiety and insecurity, if they appear, will be less likely to intimidate or overwhelm, since accepting them, managing them, and rising above them, rarely feels impossibly difficult. It expresses itself in one’s ability to enjoy the humorous aspects of life in oneself and others. It expresses itself in one’s flexibility in responding to situations and challenges, since one trusts oneself‘s mind and does not see life as doom and defeat. It expresses itself in one’s comfort with assertive behavior in oneself and others. It expresses itself in one’s ability to achieve harmony and dignity under conditions of stress."
Love your points. Gonna do a breakdown on them using the 6 Pillars of Self Esteem, a next level book on understanding the self and how to be the best version of yourself.
Go see a therapist. Or just read this. I'm dead serious.
At my worst moments, I used this strategy, and it made me feel pretty good about myself. It didn't really last, though.
What I would recommend is something more substantial--words are kind of empty. What refer to is developing yourself into someone you can love, rather than just telling yourself you do, by building up your self-esteem. Dr. Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (http://www.amazon.com/The-Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive/dp/0553374397/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1335638442&amp;sr=8-1) helped me out a lot when I was at my worst.
It doesn't do much for me now, because my situation is horrible (while I half-live with my girlfriend, I also half-live with my mom until I finish my master's thesis and then get a job...living with my mom brings me back to my childhood, where I developed my zero self-esteem), but it was great for me before I moved back here and will be great for me again when I can actually start having a life.
you could read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
I don't think emotional investment is really the issue though. Emotional investment is what makes relationships worth effort, not what makes them untenable.
The issue is that you're thinking about this as if you won't be able to handle it, if it doesn't work out. This is a self esteem issue (that I only recently figured out myself, but now see it in tons of people). The problem is that you're not feeling like you're enough to handle things.
Here's what you need to internalize: These relationships may work or they may not, but either way you are going to be ok. You are enough to handle either situation. Sit quietly and think about this for a bit. Read a short book on improving self esteem if what I'm saying seems unclear. You'll know you're going the right way when suddenly you relax because you know you can handle any answer to the questions you put in your post.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
From what you say, he seems to be deficient of self-esteem and in a type of downward spiral. He needs to want to delve into RP, and that can only happen if he has the will to better himself, which he clearly lacks. Most of us had to hit rock bottom to get that will, unless you're willing to dump him for his own good, he's never gonna hit rock bottom. The good news is that rock bottom is not the only way to get that will. To this end I believe this book would help him out. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. It will give him that internal drive to better his condition. Then RP would be a natural progression. A good way to introduce it to him is you buying it for yourself, and them sharing it with him and you two reading and becoming aware of his self-destructive mindsets and behaviors together.
This book is very helpful!
Glad to hear it. You got this.
...If you're into reading, take a look at "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden - it's packed with gems.
Or read it. https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8
Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. I read the version that was called The Easy Way to Quit. He has a bunch of different versions now, but I've heard they are all pretty much the same. This helped me quit smoking after 18 years as a smoker. I'd tried multiple times before using a bunch of different quitting aids. Read this book and quit cold turkey almost four years ago.
> Any pointers on this?
My two humble recommendations;
A new office building has come up near my office. So many girls of that office smoke, i have never seen so many immaculately dressed girls smoking at one time :-). My only problem is they don't properly smoke, i was a smoker for 8 years so i know when i see a faker.
Btw, that book has worked for millions and it will work for you. Good Luck.
One thing that helped me was reading this book. May seem sort of kitschy but it’s legit.
You'll see people reference Allan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking all over this subreddit. It has some fantastic stuff that'll reinforce your attitude while you're quitting, and your attitude is fundamental to the process. Ultimately, it's really only as hard as you make it for yourself.
Highly recommend the book "Easyway to Stop Smoking" by Allen Carr.
First off, congrats on ditching menthol. Discovering that you have some level of willpower is very empowering. It won't help you quit cigarettes, but it certainly must be nice to know that you're not powerless.
I smoked for 20+ years. I tried quitting by just about every method available. I was pretty miserable when quitting - my wife just dreaded the prospect of dealing with me, because I was a complete prick.
So, I read Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Smoking. The book promised to make quitting enjoyable, which seemed like utter nonsense. I read the book, quit cold turkey, and it was enjoyable. No problems whatsoever - my wife was utterly dumbfounded.
Right now, you're fighting an enemy that you don't understand. Once you get it, quitting is as easy as turning off a light switch.
Yes, cigarettes will kill you, and your death will be for absolutely nothing. Fortunately, it doesn't have to be this way.
Willpower really has nothing to do with successfully quitting. Willpower is what keeps you smoking, despite a horrifying prognosis, and social pressures, and the money you're spending to kill yourself. Quitting is much easier than the hell you're dragging yourself through.
Pick a weekend, and read the book. Get yourself some menthols, and smoke as much as you'd like. Once you understand the nature of the fight you're in, and how stupid it is, you've all but won the war.
Since I don't smoke and never have you'd have to take my comment with a pinch of salt. A work colleague told another to read a book that helped a few people stop smoking. I was also recently reading about people trying to gradually quit smoking by switching to vapes and e-cigs first.
By far the most successful way I know of giving up smoking - and also the easiest - is the Allan Carr book (http://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155). I know at least a dozen people who have given up this way, and I used it myself years ago.
A lot of people have had good luck with Allen Carr's book Easy Way to Stop Smoking. it comes pretty highly recommended from /r/stopsmoking. Personally, I used the replace the habit method. I bought an ecig and use that. I haven't had a smoke for a month now. For chewing they have rocky mountain snuff, which I have a couple friends that used that with some success. /r/ecigs has a lot of info on ecigs, but they are a pretty controversial method of quitting smoking. You still keep using nicotine, but you quit using tobacco to get it. They also haven't been around long enough for long term studies to be done. But AFAIK it is the same as breathing in fog from a fog machine with nicotine in it. Plus you can get it in snozberry flavor.
If you buy an E-Cig make sure you buy one from a physical store near her house where the ability to refill is readily available in physical form.
I had an e-cig and because the cartridges had to be ordered online I simply quit using it and started smoking again.
For anyone here who actually wants to quit smoking I suggest you read the book The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr.
You could scrounge up a copy of Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. I have heard very good things.
This is what I used to stop. Half way through the book I broke my pack in half and never looked back. That was 8 1/2 years ago.
It's worth it... I promise.
I would seriously recommend Allen Carr’s book, it address’s everything you’ve said and more and he articulates all the obstacles you face in a very direct no bullshit manner. I torrented the audiobook but felt guilty after my first week smoke free was just so damn easy so I bought the audiobook off Amazon (for 20% of the money I had already saved).
In terms of the social aspect of smoking this is what postponed my quitting for the best part of a fucking decade and now I feel like a prize twat. It is not difficult, I quit on a Wednesday and was sat outside the pub on the Friday drinking all night with smokers and didn’t touch one and it didn’t bother me.It will only be a problem if you don't really want to quit.
My best advice to you would be to analyse every thought you have trying to justify smoking in any way, shape or form and ask yourself whether it is your rational mind talking or whether it’s your addiction trying to kid yourself (SPOILER: it’s your addiction).
I would read this book, help me put a whole new perspective on what just one more pack of cigarettes really means.
I'm 10 days in, and it's been amazingly simple. The first day was rough, because my subconscious was constantly playing tricks on me. Thoughts kept creeping on.
"Just steal a puff of your friends cig."
"Just smoke one more cigarette today to fight off the cravings and it will be much easier."
Just think of what you get out of that cigarette. The ONLY thing you're doing is fighting off withdrawals, and ensuring that they're going to continue. Good luck! Each day gets easier, as you learn how to keep yourself busy and fight off the devil on your shoulder. It's SO worth it.
Easyway - https://www.allencarr.com
It has a 90% success rate and doesn't require willpower, it's essentially a little bit like reverse brainwashing to help get you over the addiction. Seminars are best but the book on it's own (you can get it for a few dollars second-hand on Amazon) works just fine for most people. I sound a bit like a sales pitch but it saved my life and it was like magic.
I smoked heavily for 11 years and I hated smoking, it very seriously risked my life but the longest I managed to quit for was three [torturous] months - I tried drugs like Zyban, all the different NHR therapies both on my own and with one-to-one help of a nurse, hypnosis, e-cigarette, and every tip/trick going to cut down or go cold-turkey. I finally went to a seminar for Easyway and within a few hours I was a no-smoker, that was 10 years ago.
Buy this book NOW Allen Carr's Easy way to Stop Smoking
(TLDR at the bottom)
I had been smoking for 40 years. I liked my smokes. I enjoyed the time alone outside, it was relaxing. But I knew that I needed to quit. I checked out this subreddit, learned about Allen Carr's book, and bought it April 17th, 2017. I didn't set a quit date, and the book sat on my nightstand for months. I refused to put it away, because it reminded me every day and night that I should read it, and that I
wantedneeded to quit.
I finally got around to reading the first chapter. It blew my mind. I won't spoil the surprise here, but that first chapter lead me into the next and the next, then I put the book down for a few more months. One day, in early January, I "made it real" by deciding that I would no longer purchase cigarettes.
It's been an interesting 26 days. I know I'm a non-smoker now, but the cravings still come, and once or twice a day they really come strong, but thanks to the support in this forum, and my wife, I have made it this far.
TLDR: With Allen Carr's book, and a lot of support here, you CAN do it! We're all here for you.
The only thing that ever worked for my wife was to read Allan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
There are thousands of five star reviews on Amazon. Try it, it really works for most people.
If you have not already heard of the book, I highly recommend the book Allen Carr’s Easy Way To Stop Smoking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615482155/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_vnKHDb72QR7JB
It has absolutely revolutionized my thinking on smoking, cigarettes, being a nicotine drug addict and returning to my life as a non smoker.
Have you tried the self-help type fix? I was a pack a day smoker, then a vape pod a day smoker, then a two pods PLUS the occasional cigarette a day smoker and “Allen Carr’s Stop Smoking The Easy Way” smacked the addiction mindset out of me. I was able to put down my JUUL and I’m two months clean without any serious issues.
You can DM me anytime if you want one on one assistance. I HIGHLY recommend this book, it’s worked for a lot of people, it’s got a good amount of celebrity endorsements and it’s extremely easy to read in one or two days. Might have saved my life
It sounds like a snake oil type remedy, but my Primary Care Doctor recommended it to me and once I finally read it I felt dumb for not reading it earlier.
It basically gives you new frame works to think through the reasons WHY you smoke. It doesn’t use scare tactics, and actually they encourage you to smoke WHILE reading it. He tells you when to light up and everything.
I know it sounds kind of stupid, but it’s basically hypnotherapy in book form and it fucking works.
Edit: here’s a link to the book on amazon just to give you one less excuse- https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615482155/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_IOdEDbEE5MZX0
I can't comment on quitting weed or booze but I can comment on how BJJ helped me quit smoking cigarettes. Step 1, however, is to read Alan Carr's Easy Way To Quit Smoking. It's a short read and puts quitting into a much better perspective for smokers.
I used a visualization technique for dealing with cravings. I personified the craving as a monster that I can picture. I used the thing from the Mucinex commercials. Here's a page with a few examples:
I imagined him as a sparring partner so I can beat the cravings. The thing is, he's thirsty. And the only way he can have a drink is if I have a cigarette. My job is to beat him mercilessly until he dies. So I just don't let him have a drink. You can use your own imagination for the metaphors of battling the craving but this one worked very well for me. It just made sense.
Finally, after I felt I had won the battle of cravings (took 2 weeks tops) I realized that smoking is no longer an option. Just like heading over to my ex-wife's house, laying down in bed, and expecting felatio, it simply wasn't an option.
These techniques can be applied equally well for quitting anything that gives you cravings. And booze/weed cravings are much easier than nicotine cravings.
I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost 5 years.
Just my 2 cents. Good luck in your journey of self-improvement!
I played the fuck out of the latest Pokemon game while I quit, was a great distraction. Also obtain (however you have to) this book and give it a read.
When I quit smoking cigarettes, I knew it would never work if I had stressful projects or deadlines coming up. I didn't set a date or anything, just waited until it was easy street at work for a few weeks, chose a normal day like any other and just told myself over and over that I just wasn't smoking cigarettes anymore. After failing over and over for years, one time it just stuck.
A lot of people, myself included, have had similar experiences with weed and are still smoking, waiting for the "right time" to quit again. It can be a setback and it's hard not to make up excuses for yourself, but one time you're going to try a little harder, more consciously, and you're going to quit and it's going to stick. Decide when that is for yourself, take control, make it happen. I'm trying to do the same, and so are many others.
While not specifically weed related, I think a lot of concepts from Allen Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking can be very useful in tackling the mental hurdles of quitting weed.
Get this book now!
It will honestly help a lot. I'd been trying to quit for 3 years. I read this book and quit. It was easy. You're young. You don't have to have years of these shitty, hard times. Please, go to the library or buy that book, and do it soon. It saved my life.
On a serious note - if you haven't successfully quit yet, read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking (start by reading the reviews), and instead of thinking "this project would go great with a smoke," you'll be thinking "fuck yeah, I tackled this project and didn't need a cigarette to enjoy it." I read it and quit cold turkey the day after without much struggle about 5 months ago, just a friendly tip.
After 18 years of smoking Allen Carrs' The Easy Way to Quit Smoking was the 1 thing that actually worked for me. I tried nicotine gum, e-cigs and lozenges but every time I would be back to smoking in 3 weeks to 3 months. That book let me quite smoking and nicotine with relative ease.
This may sound absurd, but there is a book named The Easy Way To Quit Smoking by Allen Carr that has been a life changing read for me, I couldn't recommend it more highly! I thought it was a joke at first, an easy way to quit smoking, hah! I had been trying to quit every other week for the better part of a year and I just kept failing at it. Then I read the book and I quit and it was insanely easy, not only easy but even enjoyable! And I was a pack a day smoker. Make sure to check out these Amazon reviews as well, thus is the real deal!!! https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155
I don't know how much reading you do, or if you listen to books or anything, but I recommend Alan Carr's book, The Easy Way to Stop Smoking!
I finished it about 2 weeks ago, and honestly, I feel a little dumb for not realizing that I should be mentally approaching it this way by myself. It seems so obvious now. One thing I realized with the book, is how much it could benefit my friends that quit through sheer willpower and are still miserable months after their quit.
I think the book is most beneficial for two different people:
Those two types can be impacted the most by Carr's book if they're willing to accept the ideas the book is preaching.
I have a friend whose about 14 months removed from his last smoke. Even as recently as 3 weeks ago, when we're all hanging out and partying, and people go out back to smoke, he would hang out there, and even ask me to blow my drag in his face.
I recommended Alan Carr's book to him a couple weeks ago, he finished in like 3 days (it's pretty short), and since then has told me a couple of times that he's never felt stronger in his quit than he does now. Says he feels like an idiot for unnecessarily torturing himself over the last year by "putting smoking on a pedestal" as he put it.
Stop Walking on Eggshells, if you count that as self-help.
Also The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
The Disciplined Life by Richard S Taylor
Celebration of Discipline by Richard J Foster
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey
Two big themes I'll discuss:
Before we get into that, I highly recommend a few good books for you to read NOW so they can sink in:
The first book will teach you essential study techniques that you may have forgotten, or that your schools up until now have not emphasized.
To add on to that, one of the huge concepts you hit when you enter college, which is very likely to hit you like a ton of bricks like it does most people, is that college is harder, a little bit more "dry" and less "fun" like high school was, it's a bit less light-hearted, and it asks you to suddenly grow up fast and take on challenges that aren't as straightforward.
The second book talks about skills and principles that would you do well to start thinking about and working on now. Things like "be proactive, instead of of reactive", "start with the end in mind", "seek first to understand, then to be understood". These are hugely beneficial ideas that will help you become a person that others want to be around and can depend upon, but also someone who can lead themselves through life and commit to their own vision for where they want to go instead of being led through life by others.
One other book (that I don't recommend buying) is "How to read a book". I would instead find a summary online. He drones on and on and repeats himself a lot, but the concepts are fundamental. The basic idea is that there are four levels reading. The first is just being able to read the printed words on the page and decipher grammar and symbols and what not. The next step is being able to inspect a book in, say, 15 minutes - what is it about? What are you going to get out of it? What's in the Table of Contents? What's the overall message - can you tell? What does the intro or preface say? The third level is analytical reading - being able to get the most out of the book and get the author's overall message, exactly what points they are making and how they are back it up, etc. Only when you have "come to terms" with a book and understood what's being said can you make a serious judgment about the book. The fourth level is called "syntopical reading" and it's an essential activity right from the beginning in college, but especially later on if you pursue a master's, PhD, or post doc - it's the ability to analyze several books on a subject and take in the opinions, views, facts, and theories established by many people. What you should learn in college is that the stuff you read isn't gospel - one PhD paper may be very intelligent and well-researched, but humans are also fallible - so, 1) if you wanted to get to that level you can, researchers are not gods, and 2) you shouldn't take any one person's research as automatic truth. At the same time, don't let your skepticism fool you into believe you already know enough. The mark of a mature mind is the ability to entertain a thought without automatically believing it.
Back to the themes.
Sitting through lectures and taking notes will be much easier and more laid back if you've already read and understood the material.
DON'T treat lecture like it's where you're actually learning anything. Treat lecture more like a [mandatory] supplement to your reading. The instructors will often go over concepts in class, as a way to bolster your understanding and also help answer questions that may have come up during your reading or homework.
It's a bad feeling you get when you haven't read the material, and you're sitting through lecture scrambling to take notes on things you maybe half-understand. Even worse... when you start slipping behind on homework and not doing well on tests, because you didn't overwhelm the task with your sheer amount of reading and independent learning.
Oh, I forgot one thing: From 7 Habits..., this is an example of his "Time Management Matrix". Really useful mental model for how we can spend our time. Some of the stuff we don't want to do but have to do is Q1. The stuff we really should be doing whenever possible is Q2 - but often times it's put on the back-burner because Q1. Q4 we usually make excuses for ("I just want to get a little further in Dark Souls 3 and then I'll start studying.") - take caution, reduce but don't feel like you need to eliminate completely and live like some sort of monk. Q3 is sometimes stuff we do for others that they are trying to delegate to us (their Q1 stuff, sometimes).
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen Covey
Models - Mark Manson
The Bible Project
First book will teach you how to set goals and values for your life and to interact with people without being an ass.
Second book is about dating and will teach you how to be the type of person that attracts others without being an ass.
The last is the Bible project series of youtube. Watch everything they have to reorient yourself to what Christianity is truly about, I'd recommend reading your Bible while following along.
Read the first two books through the lens of the values and messages you get from the Bible/Bible Project.
Lastly, Stop being so emotional and blaming God for stuff that is completely in your own control.
As my favorite book says, "“It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us.”
We can choose to be offended by things or choose to ignore them and be positive.
Sorry to hear, but don't lose hope. I'm 49, my stbxw has left our marriage for the second time, I'm still healing, but I have a lot of hope for my future. You should as well.
She cheated one you, and that is a big reason to let her go. That violates a trust that you may never have been able to restore.
Right now you're wallowing in your pain, and I get that. You need to do the following: exercise, take up a new hobby, read self-help books, spend time creating new memories, take time to heal, learn your lessons from your failed marriage and don't repeat them, and most importantly, be patient with yourself.
I recommend you read these books:
The Robert Glover book is like a kick in the pants, or at least it was for me. Regarding my own situation, I'm deeply saddened by my ex wanting to leave again. I was very much in love with her, but she was not in love with me. She wanted to explore "feelings" she had for another woman, and I wasn't the guy she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That really hurt, and it sill does, but well... let's just say that while I own my mistakes, my ex's romanticizing of life and need to sustained highs to make her feel happy was impossible to meet. I wish her well, but I have my own life to lead now.
You do too. It will take time, but you'll get to the other side of hell. Follow the advice I and others give you, and see what works for you. Remember rough moments are just that... moments to get through. Life will get better and you'll see light in the darkness again. Stay the course.
Get the book.
Jack Garbarino is a genius.
Jeg fik The Movement: How I Got This Body By Never Going To The Gym In My Life skrevet af den fantastiske mand Jack Garbarino. Derudover nogle penge og gavekort til forskellige ting.
This reminds me of The Movement exercise regimen
Link to reviews: https://www.amazon.com/Movement-This-Never-Going-Life/product-reviews/1517159393/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_btm?ie=UTF8&amp;reviewerType=all_reviews&amp;sortBy=recent#R2MUUX68Y44EE7
I like those cheesy self-help books. Tony Robbins' Awaken the Giant Within is a good one. Zig Ziglar is another speaker/author to take a look at. There are a lot of authors in that category.
The Four Agreements was good, though it gets a little new-agey at times, and may not be your thing if that turns you off.
I thought The Secret (movie and book) carried a positive message. I liked 'em. I've read the follow up book too. There's a whole lot of bunk science in there, though, so be careful of that. The message is basically, "If you intend good things to happen to you, they will, because quantum physics." They do not understand quantum physics. But as long as you're not foregoing taking action to solve your problems, I think the message is positive. Thinking positively has other benefits. What's it matter what your reason is for doing it, ya know?
Eckhart Tolle has some good books. The Power of Now comes to mind.
A lot of people like The Power of Habit.
I enjoy listening to Alan Watts lectures, that's mostly pop-style Buddhist and Hindu philosophy. Word of caution though, Alan Watts himself is not a Buddhist and in fact at times argues that alcohol & drugs are a good thing. I don't agree with everything the man says but his lectures are thought provoking
The values.com website has a whole slew of cheesy motivational content. Example: Spread Your Wings. I like stuff like that. :)
"If you want something and ask the universe hard enough, the universe will give it to you!"
That I've read this
Here you go.
Best way to get around it is to practice and gauge reaction from different people and use this to plan your timing in the future. I'd start with small stories that you know down pat and have memorized like an actor would have memorized a script.
You also might try not telling stories in strict chronological order. Like in writing an essay, you want to open up with something big--your true subject of the story.
My friend told me a story recently and he opened up with something like, "Do you know what it's like to be stung on the dick by a jelly fish? I found out this weekend." Of course, my reaction was "What?! Tell me how that happened."
If he opened up the story with, "So, this weekend I went on a date with a girl on her boat." I'd be less inclined to be interested in his story beyond the fact that I care about him and I want him to have a nice date. If I didn't know him as well, and he had opened up with how his date went and THEN told me about his dick getting stung, I might actually think he was a little odd--like he tricked me into listening to a story about a date so he could talk to me about his dick. I'd feel a little off-putted by it. By opening with telling me he was on a date, the subject of the story is the date, not being stung on the dick. The humor is either lost or made by how he opens the story.
Just for a note, being stung on the dick by a jellyfish is truly painful and I don't recommend trying it, especially on a date.
You also might want to work on setting the beats to your story. My father is an ENFJ and he's particularly good at telling stories and gauging reactions in anticipation of his audience. He will switch out details and add on parts to stories depending on his audience and the environment he's telling the story in. Stories have comedic beats and it's good to make sure you're following a formula that most people are accustom to. Here's an article outlining what beats are and how to use them for a job interview.. Here's a beat outline for TV show writing. Although you probably want this for just general conversation, knowing how dialogue works within a script could help you figure out how to plan your story for real life.
Also, you might want to figure out specifically why they're not reacting. Was it at a bad time? Does the person find your story inappropriate or distasteful? Was it just a boring story generally?
Any one of these could illicit a negative reaction irrespective of good story telling. Reading body language helps with this tremendously--as I'm sure you know--pointed feet away from you means they're trying to leave a conversation. Holding someone in a conversation they don't want to be in in the first place will make any great story flop.
I'd also watch standup comedy. This may sound silly, but these guys are essentially professional story tellers. You wouldn't want to use the exact same techniques that a standup would on stage, but I'd take notes on things like how they start and finish the story, when they break to pause ect. Another good place to watch comedians is when they're interviewed--this is a more natural environment that requires two people to engage in conversation and requires one of them to tell a few light stories to entertain the host and audience.
I often start a story and realize it's boring and pointless. At this point I'll stop my boring ass story by switching to being self depreciating humor, making light of how bad my story is that I'm telling. It allows myself an out while letting the other person know that I'm aware that I'm telling the worst story ever and we can just laugh about it and move on instead of them feeling like they're trapped.
Here are some books that might interest you:
Long Story Short: The Only Storytelling Guide You'll Ever Need
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
How to Win Friends & Influence People
The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills
Also, good luck dude! You'll get better and just keep practicing. :)
You need a specific plan. The one that really helped me is a book called "The Charisma Myth". If you look in my comment history, I have extensive notes from that book there.
And 35 better not be too old. I'm 39 and still learning the same thing. :)
Sounds like you could level up your interaction skills!
I am particularly fond of The Charisma Myth. The thesis of this book is that people are at their most charismatic when they have ample self confidence, which comes from having high self esteem. I have low self esteem and low self confidence, but the majority of this book details how to improve them. Not only has the book helped me be more charismatic, it has had a profound improvement in my psychological/emotional well being!
I haven't read this one yet, but I bought and it is next on my reading list. How to Talk to Anyone explains techniques for even the shyest introvert (like me) to come out of their shell and have interesting thoughtful discussion with strangers.
The fact that you made an effort to put yourself in a situation with a bunch of strangers is quite impressive! Now work a bit on your communication game and you'll grow into a better and more powerful you.
Dude, this sounds especially fucking brutal.
Money sounds tight for you... So I feel guilty suggesting this, but have you tried a charisma course?
I am a member, and it's $100 a month for 6 months. I have gotten a lot out of it. I'm trying to make the leap from analyst to manager for the last year and have failed every chance I've got. That said, I'm at least feeling better and more social. People around me like me more, and I like me more.
JP's advice and videos are good, but focus on specific things that are not always actionable.
They also have a youtube channel here:
Which gives some of there content away for free and discusses other things not in their paid content. Another cheaper option is "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Carbane, it has an excellent list of activities to help make yourself more positive and charismatic.
I really enjoyed the book Never Eat Alone which is a great guide to making meaningful and lasting connections.
Another one that really clicked with me is The Charisma Myth which argues that charisma isn't something you're either born with or not, it's something that can be practiced and focused in a way that is incredibly useful. Highly recommend this one.
And finally, I recommend The Like Switch which has some really useful guidance for communicating in a way that makes everyone involved in the conversation feel better, which makes people like you, which makes them more receptive to you.
I also have a 1 hour commute and don't have the attention span to follow along with fiction when I'm driving so I listen to a lot of non-fiction like this.
The Charisma Myth
I see what you mean now. I don't know ALL of the things you want to manifest, but some of the things you mentioned here sound like skills that one can simply develop, such as charisma. Charisma makes you attractive, likeable, trustworthy, more likely to be promoted and paid more, and so on. There's a great book that teaches how to develop charisma, I found it very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947
Best of luck to you!
Hi there. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder back in college (10 years ago), and I could tell it was much more than just shyness or introversion. I've always been a quiet awkward kid growing up, so I think genetics and my sheltered upbringing might've caused it.
Symptoms: when I'm with people I end up being all quiet and awkward, too. I tend to smile a lot and my mind goes blank or perhaps into a panic mode. It felt as if words were stuck behind a locked door and I could not reach for my true personality.
People and dates have said I seem a lot more confident chatting online and expressing myself, but in person I'm like a statue or limp doll. People asked me too many favors because I was afraid of saying no or standing up for myself. My voice was lost in one of those locked doors.
Getting Help: I've tried cognitive behavioral therapy and my doc also prescibed Lexapro but I only used it until 2011 (side effects include insomnia and other stuff..)
Recently, I've gone to see a therapist again (I havent gone in 5 years). She said it's very good that i'm self-aware, brave to open up and be vulnerable, and really motivated to change (secret: I get 3 free sessions before my insurance resets, so I was like, why not?)
I still do struggle with SAD, but my friends say I've improved much over the years.
I think what helped me the most is not the drug or the therapy, but the actual self-awareness and commitment to change. Not to change to please others, but to change so I could express myself better. To say the things I mean to say. To be eloquent and confident so that no one would misunderstand or mistreat me.
So I put myself in social situations. In college I joined a lot of clubs, met all kinds of people (albeit I would be the quiet one, but I made friends with other shy people!). Since my 20s, I've gone on many dates. A lot. Endured tons of rejections, but these experiences just taught me what to do and what not to do..
I listened to some good audiobooks..
It's the Way You Say It: Becoming Articulate, Well-spoken, and Clear
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
Nowadays I'm much more confident in my own skin. I found strategies on how to talk to strangers, coworkers, and often with friends, I'm the center of attention. But if you met me in high school or in my early college years, you'd probably think i'm the weird snobby wallflower.
Sometimes I still am. But hey, we're all works in progress, right? I just take things day by day, trying to improve myself with all the help available out there.
I guess in most things in life, it all starts with accepting yourself. Then determine what the problem is, see if there are solutions to fix it, and seek help from the experts. (side story: I almost broke a new watch, struggling the unlatch the deployment mechanism. Took me 45 mins and almost threw it out. Then I checked YouTube and the answer was in the very first video)
There's a great recent book on the subject, [The Charisma Myth] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Charisma-Myth-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947) by Olivia Cabane.
There's a silver lining, lots of women out there like being licked out, with many even preferring it. Work on that, and if you say you have no social skills, work on that too. Read this, forget the title, it's more about improving yourself so that you have a natural charisma.
Besides, 4 inches isn't that small. Lots of guys do perfectly well with that.
But mainly, you have to have more faith in yourself.
I have a male coworker who is not an attractive guy. He's average height, has a big ol' potbelly, and his face is not what anyone would describe as conventionally good looking, nor even good looking in that odd way that some actors have. But dude has women flocking to his desk all day long. Where he lacks in the physical attractiveness department, he more than makes up for with his humor, conversational/people skills, interesting hobbies and general charisma.
There are a lot of great books and videos out there on building your people skills, including The Charisma Myth. That's where I would start if I were you.
Original, but I have to give credit to Olivia Fox Cabane's The Charisma Myth. I highly recommend reading it.
I think the mechanics of politics, both in campaigning and governing, are worth further study. As I think the biggest issue with both sides, is in essence, a failure to communicate, and therefore cooperate. Or at least behave more like individuals rather than devolving to "us vs. them".
On top of the comments here these two books help breakdown mental and physical components of public speaking and how to overcome almost any obstacle:
Charme and Charisma are closely tied together but there still are a few differences, though so minor that we are going to ignore them for the sake of this post.
Charme is important to charm your opposite, be it male or female, into agreeing with you. One could say that charme makes people say yes. Even if you didn't ask a question.
There are a few things that play together:
There is no denying that a powerful person always has more charme than his inferiors. There have been studies where actors assumed the same body language and were equally attractive, were paired up against a powerful person. The effects of charme and humour were measured and it turned out that the powerful person scored much better.
Now how can you learn to be more charming? My book recommendations that cover every important aspect would be:
This covers everything except for humour but I fear I can not help you with that. In my opinion, you either have humour, or you don't but many people claim that humour is a learnable skill. Anyway, it was never of interest to me but I am sure that you will find some sources teaching the art of humour.
The Hard Thing About Hard Things -- Ben Horowitz. GREAT as an audiobook.
Traction: Get a grip on your business -- Gino Wickman. Good for unknotting the reasons for constantly stalling out on progress. It's meant for large offices, apparently, but even my little office benefited since the habits are universal.
The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph -- Ryan Holiday
This book from what I understand is mandatory reading for the NE organization. I thought it was a good read. It helped motivate me to mow my lawn.
You'll find a lot of advice on this sub about how to build healthy habits, with the FAQ being a good place to start: http://www.reddit.com/r/xxfitness/wiki/the_secret_to_fitness
If you're talking just about fitness, for me the "key to success" was finding exercise I enjoyed. Weightlifting and crossfit aren't hard for me to do at all, it's what I do for fun. I read articles about it, research it, etc just like you would any other hobby. Diet wise, I don't think I've ever been out of a healthy BMI range (though I have been at a high ish body fat percentage and living a pretty unhealthy life style), but the changes I made to it were incremental. Dropped soda, got off my college meal plan so I stopped getting chicken tenders every night, started cooking for myself, etc.
If you're talking just about in general being accountable to yourself, this is something I constantly strive to improve in myself, and I don't think anyone is ever perfect but there are a lot of conscious things you can do. For me one big thing is practicing self-reflection and problem-solving. Whenever things aren't going my way, I try to not let myself stay upset about it for too long, and think of it as if it was someone else's problem. Analyze what is going wrong, what could I do to fix it, take action. Write it down if I have to. I was recently recommended this book, which was a great read about how to productively tackle obstacles and come out stronger from them. It relies on the philosophy of the stoics, and doesn't recommend that you should always be happy/positive no matter what because that's not possible. But "woe is me" is also not a good approach. Success is in the rational middle ground and it is all about your attitude and how you approach life.
/u/ryan_holiday, who can be seen around /r/stoicism pretty regularily, has a great book called The Obstacle is the Way.
I think it's exactly what you're looking for. Short. Concise. A ton of great examples of overcoming tremendous adversity with grit.
Well done. At first I thought you were referencing this excellent book by Ryan Holiday.
It's a change in perspective that can be so powerful in moving through the tough times. For me personally, I like to jump in to books, get a push towards that new perspective, read about people's philosophies on life, obstacles, etc. Two books that have been great reads that I go back to over and over are:
The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph - https://www.amazon.com/Obstacle-Way-Timeless-Turning-Triumph/dp/1591846358
10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story - https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265423
I know at the time I would never had wanted to hear this, but it rings so true now looking back...you are so young, nothing you have done up to this point has been a mess up, but a vital lesson learned on your way towards being what you are meant to be.
I wish you the best in all the amazing things to come!
Thanks for taking my words to heart. I'm a bit older than you and have felt myself in your situation around your age as well as many years later. I'd like for you to not have to deal with the prolonged suffering as I did!
Depression is absolutely addicting! Or should I say, your ego is absolutely addicted to suffering and punishment, especially when the punishment really isn't so bad immediately or physically.
The trick is, depression locks us into a temporary frame of content that doesn't appreciate much from the past or have us looking forward to a better outcome in future. It's like being stuck out on the sea in a lifeboat without a map or knowledge of astral-positioning (guidance by the sun and starts); there's nowhere you can foreseeably navigate to and where you came from doesn't seem to matter all the much at the moment. We become content with merely drifting and staying afloat.
You are afraid of becoming content with your state of existence because it's become habit and it's proven not to be a physical threat to your life. But, you obviously want more for yourself. Why else would you have identified this target of seeking support? Why post on this subreddit instead of lurking r/birdswitharms?
Recognize that you mindbody wants you to punish yourself, but also that you are feeding it without question.
Fear is actually more of a navigator that a motivator; fear tells us what is most important to us and which challenges we truly want to overcome. Putting yourself in a negative state isn't useful. Understanding what the worst possible outcome of any action plan you've designed for yourself is a practical approach to putting the fear of failure in its place.
Reading: The Obstacle is the Way
A lot of people who had it MUCH less worse off than you made it through for the better. Wouldn't you agree?
when I was at one of the lowest points in my life, one of my friends gave me The Art of Living by Epictetus, who was a Greek slave who lived in Rome. It brought me a lot of peace and perspective.
Some people might say you can live without some belief, some life philosophy, I don't know if I agree with that. As the great Omar Little said "A man gots to have a code"
Personally, I've read some western philosophy to help shape my view. I really liked "The Art of Living" - Epictetus
Now I'm reading some Nietzsche, next I'll read something else. Man has struggled with this void since they stood upright. Clearly no one has found a singularly satisfying answer.
One thing I've been thinking about the last few days from Nietzsche. (Paraphrased) "if you had to live this life again, in the same order the same way for all of eternity, would you rejoice?"
Basically, do you enjoy your life enough to want to do the same thing forever and ever, all the pain and sorrow, all the joy and laughter, would you rejoice at that chance?
I don't know the answer but it makes me think
Good luck, and don't worry
Purists probably hate it, but Lebell's translation of Epictetus' Manual is my favorite philosophy book. (Epictetus is one of the main Stoics.)
Just finished reading Getting Things Done
Pretty good book on managing projects and minimizing stress.
Motivation to keep going differs for everyone, but I find that its easier to focus and not burn-out once you have a set of goals for the day and that irregardless of whatever happens I am getting X Y Z finished today.
My productivity is still low, but relative from 6 months ago I'm doing so much better and I can manage that workflow with a lot less stress.
Basically, a while back errantventure gave me some advice and this really great book recommendation that I read and has put me on the right track: Getting Things Done
To summarize the main point and plagiarize what he said to me half a year ago:
To be productive, effort doesn't scale well; systems of managing your work do.
I don't know what would've happened to me if I hadn't read it. Before, I kind of felt like a failure for not being organized enough, now I realize I was trying to force myself to use tools that didn't fit with my workflow. Instead, you change and alter your system around your needs.
Also, I watch your Neoliberal Genesis Evangelion video at least once a week.
>I've tried the ginger ale and lime in a highball glass trick before
I hadn't heard of this, will try it. Thanks. You may have just made 'vendor cocktail mixers' much more tolerable.
I've had a lot of success with this. It does a great job in taking the shaky edge off caffeine. I have since cut out all caffeine but green tea.
In high-stress times I find that one caplet of l-theanine provides very subtle but effective relief.
>For the sake of context, what do you do for work?
I'm an infrastructure architect and technical consultant specializing in virtualization and storage... i.e. I'm a few layers lower in the OSI model than your guys. Note that I'm not in management - you'd probably be my boss.
>What do your daily high-energy habits look like? First thing to fall off for me is exercise.
Exercise ceases first, followed rapidly by cooking, hanging out with people outside work.
Fortunately I'm good at faking it.
>Do you use some sort of personal task management system? I tried to replace my to-do lists with a Scrum board. It was overkill.
Scrum is overkill. Great for teams though, depending on the project... we had one go south on Scrum actually. I use ActiveInbox, which is really just a vehicle for GTD. I don't adhere to it perfectly, but a lot of the philosophy has stuck and I do in fact get things done.
> teach him organizational & study skills.
Okay, this sounds more and more like me.
I was a "smart kid" who hated homework because I could ace the test. This wasn't very helpful when it came to college and work. It took me reading the book Getting Things Done to make me get my act together.
Now, I will start the day making a list of what I need to do, including action items that will be the first step (not "Clean House" but "Vacuum Living Room", or not "Make a crafting area" but "Move all objects out of what will be crafting area"). I feel awesome when I can check something off the list, and that leads directly to the next phase: Review.
Going back and checking what you've really done. Are the goals you had last month the same as this month? Now that all objects are out of the crafting area, let's not "design craft area", but "place tables and set up sewing machine"
You get the idea. Took me until I was in my 30's to really kick my own ass and get things done. I wish I had read this book when I was in high school.
p.s. "Time Management for System Administrators" has almost the same exact advice, which make me really "believe" in this setup. It works!
Check out "Getting Things Done" by David Allen.
Amazon link for the lazy
It has totally changed my life. Basically, it's a way of organizing projects in a way that actually allows you to get them done. Our to-do lists are usually way too vague. This system has you focus solely on the next action that is to be completed, which makes projects way more manageable. Going off that, when planning a project, you focus on the next ACTIONABLE step to take.
Example: You want to tile your bathroom. Instead of having "Tile bathroom" on your to-do list, you have "Tile Bathroom" as a project. You then brainstorm the actions that need to be taken to reach that goal. You then focus on the next actionable goal, such as, "find 3 styles of tile I like". Once that is done, "decide on tile". Then, "order tile from hardware store". You don't add an action until the last action is complete.
On top of all that, everything is externalized. Meaning you get it out of your brain and onto paper, Iphone, whatev. This is great for ADDers. It may seem like a lot of work, but once you set up your own system, it really is life changing. And there are a MILLION websites dedicated to implimenting the system.
I always have a pen and Field Notes with me in my pocket, jotting down notes, thoughts, and projects.
tl/dr: Getting Things Done by David Allen solved my inability to finish projects and everyone should check it out.
It works. I just found it hard to keep up with doing it every day. The free alternative I believe is called "Sugar memo." More than either I would highly suggest Getting Things Done by David Allen for more information on the concept and help with implementation.
Getting Things Done by David Allen - provides a (for me, life-changing) system to organise your life
Okay so check out www.trello.com - it's free and it's a great way to organize projects.
It utilizes the ideas behind the "kanban" system (which is basically a large board with columns and tasks in each column that is put up at an office so the entire place can see which things need to be done, which things are in progress, and which things have been completed). Kanban itself is great at limiting your amounts of works-in-progress so your brain isn't so scattered.
Trello takes that idea of a system, makes it more flexible, since you can have different "boards" which contain "stacks" of "cards." (Obviously all digital but based on the real life physical versions, with more power.)
You can open the card, add a description, add attachments, add checklists, label the card, give the cards due dates, assign cards to people (even your spouse if you're trying to move or plan a vacation), comment on things, and basically get EVERYONE on the same page of a project without a bunch of that back and forth between emails, phone calls, and not knowing who is doing what. Here's a blog post on how to manage a move with trello with your SO, as an example.
The cards can also be moved from stack to stack, so it can go from to do, doing, and then done - or you can name the stacks whatever you need based on the project. (Like if you want just a stack of some ideas to go through for a project before putting it on a "to-do" stack. But all stacks can be named and renamed, so you're never stuck.)
There are options that you can turn on if you need them, such as card aging (see how long a card has been on a project), or even voting on a card (like you have a list of vacation ideas for your family, you can have them vote on the place they'd like to go, or even vote on the places that everyone wants to see during the vacation for prioritizing.)
It's simple to use but it has SO many options for how to use it. It really depends on what you need! You can also sort boards into different organizations, so I've got one for my photography business, one for my blog, one for my hubby and I, one for a large creative project I'm working on that is it's own organization, one for my friend's business that I'm helping her with, one for all my websites and graphics work, and so on. Each organization has various boards, so for my websites and graphics work, I've got a different board for each website/project that needs to be worked on.
Heck even for personal stuff, I've got a board dedicated to reading more so I have a list of books I want to read, which one I'm currently reading, which one I'm completing. Or a board for GIFs - one stack for all the movies I want to make into gifs. From there I pick one, make a stack for the individual movie, and then keep track of the bits of gif I want to make.
Okay so for this project with my boss, I'm making a website for our company. It involves LOTS of content, and a big problem was messaging back and forth to figure out which pictures she had sent me and which things she needs to send me.
Originally, I'd have to individually go through it by my email and find all of them, and even then the pictures are all labels like abc1.jpg abc2.jpg for example, so not really well organized. This system, we have a card for each section that requires unique pictures, and so she uploads all those specific pictures to the card. If a picture is too small or there's something weird with it, I can comment on it. If there is something with the pictures group she wants changed, she'll add it to the card's checklist. This way, we both know what we have and what is needed without a bazillion back and forth emails/ims/phone calls as it is smack-dab-visual-in-your-face.
OKAY that is my epic speech about Trello. It's my homebase for projects. Since I'm using the "getting things done" system for emptying my brain out, my process is this - use Google now on my android and say "okay google, note to self - do such and such and such" - and I use toodledo for my uber-to-do-list for optimal brain emptying (GTD is about having a "mind like water" - the guy's motto is "your brain is for creating ideas, not storing them" and so you get EVERYTHING out of there that you're wanting to do, and I mean literally EVERYTHING so it's not eating up your mental ram).
The "note to self" function on google now is amazing because it makes my process even quicker now - the first time you use it, it allows you to pick an app that you want to place the idea at. So all of my ideas go into toodledo, then I do a weekly review to sort them into folders and etc. Then I pick a few things from each folder and put it on my "on dock" Trello board - which things I'd like to get done as part of my "daily seven" and then move one item at a time to "currently working on" - so I'm much more focused (even when I'm not, I can come back to focus on what I'm working on instead of OMG HERE ARE ALL FIVEHUNDREDBILLION THINGS I WANT TO DO WHICH ONE AHHHHH.) So... thems my productivity secrets. :D
PS: If you're the type who has lots of brain power and have lots you want to do/accomplish, I also highly recommend reading "getting things done" - it's like $10 and it's great. I think it's pretty adaptable to, based on who you are - a lot of business people do it, but I'm a creative and a business person, so I use it for my "stuff to get done" but I also use it to store ALL of my creative ideas for photo/graphics projects I might want to do, so if I come up with brilliance, I can just store it in toodledo for later. :D
Two books made a big impact on me after graduating: Effective Immediately and Getting Things Done. I also recommend seeking out a mentor you trust and setting up biweekly meetings to discuss general career-related topics.
I've been exactly where you are. ADHD was, and in many ways still is, a defining feature of my life. Here's what I wish I'd known when I was your age:
-If you're feeling overwhelmed, there's nothing wrong with slowing down for a while. Consider dropping any honors or AP classes and taking an easier course load. The very worst case scenario is that if you want to attend a four-year-college, you'll have to attend community college first. By the time you're an adult, not even the world's most colossal snobs will care where you spent your first two years of university.
-Become an organizational freak, and do it ASAP. Keep your room squeaky clean at all times. Be someone who has a conscious system for staying on track. One of the most beloved systems for this, which also helps people without ADHD, is laid out in Getting Things Done by David Allen
-Start thinking about what you want your life to be like as an adult. What kind of career do you want? How important is money to you now, and how important do you think it will be by the time you're closing in on 30? What kind of work can you do for an extended period of time without making yourself completely miserable? These things are important for everyone to think about, but I think people with ADHD are even more prone to ignoring these questions. One of the most well-received books for helping address these questions is Designing Your Life, which is based on a course at Princeton. (Disclaimer: I just started reading it, so I can't offer a full assessment. But it seems like a book that someone in your situation would greatly benefit from reading.)
-Get physically fit, whatever that means to you. If fitness means being able to run marathons or swim fast, learn to do that. If it means looking in the mirror and seeing a ripped physique, learn to lift weights properly. Fitness is one of the world's most reliable confidence boosters, and if you're someone who struggles with ADHD, anything that can make you feel better about yourself is something you'll want to consider doing.
-Read about successful people with ADHD. It turns out that a lot of people with ADHD tend to perform well in creative and entrepreneurial endeavors. Personally, I'm working on building my own business, and I wish I'd started doing that a long time ago.
-Medication is an option, but don't rely on it exclusively. A pill isn't going to fix your ADHD, but it might put you in a frame of mind that helps you manage it more easily. Personally I can't deal with the side effects of the ADHD meds I've tried, so I don't currently take them.
David Allen - GTD
You don't even have to follow his processes, the ideas alone are worth the read.
If you need to be strict about time, write it down in a work calender as you go through your day. If you sit at a computer for a majority of the work or have a smartphone, you might want to look time tracking solutions.
I could write more here, but the two most important parts of organizing are getting stuff out of your head and putting it in a single place where you can easily recover it when needed.
I keep a monthlyYEAR.txt file where I will write short notes throughout the month on what I've done for monthly reports. I usually keep a high level todo.txt file for just keep track of what I need to get done. Sometimes I'll have specific todo files that go with individual projects. If you keep simple text files, using version control (git/mercurial) is a lot simpler. If I had a lot of projects going on at once, I'd probably use a todo.txt file on with dropbox or a google docs.
Getting Things Done
Eat That Frog
Org Mode for Emacs
This is a crucial skill if you intend to do anything with real complexity in the future. Develop a few good habits and you'll use them for the rest of your career. Focus first on the process and then buy tools to help you maintain the process.
I use "Things" to organize my life, but there are loads of free tools out there.
I'm gonna throw some book titles at you.
The first two will help with the money problems. The third just helps you deal with life and achieving your goals. The last may be the most important because everything in life involves dealing with other people.
This book really changed my life a few years ago. You can read a great deal about the methods around the internet as well (buying the book is not strictly required).
I've also found pairing it's methods with Emacs org-mode and MobileOrg on my Android Tablet and smartphone to be extremely effective.
Ran into the same problem a few years back. David Allen's GTD helped immensely. I suggest get the audiobook and keep the paperback as a reference. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280
Evernote. Been religious for years now. I liked the book Getting Things Done and I built that system into Evernote.
Here's a book that's really worked for me at work:
Getting Things Done
AKA "GTD". Lots of blogs about this method, too. The key is to work out a single, bulletproof system for dealing with/scheduling/deferring tasks as they come in. Once you've done one of those three actions, there's no need to remember it. Things don't get left hanging, and you can reduce the number of things on your mind.
I do this with Outlook 2007 at work. A couple times a day I go through my entire inbox:
Every item in my inbox is dealt with in this way, so I don't need to keep reading thru my inbox and stressing about it.
Anyway, I've got a terrible memory, and this is working out for me so far.
[edited. Broken link :S]
If you're on a Mac there is a program called Things that is modeled after David Allen's Getting Things Done
edit: It's essentially a hand written To-do list that organizes due dates etc for you.
Getting Things Done specifically talks about this problem. Give it a try
I'd then also recommend Robert Greene's Mastery. I've written all over my copy, great for taking notes if you want to pursue a singular passion like the greats.
Certainly not historical, but Ferriss' Tools of Titans had a great mix of improvement like 48 Laws that you could dip in and out of. I'm not a huge fan of Tim Ferriss, but I enjoyed sampling through what caught my interest.
I feel fortunate for having quit video games at 18, but it's never too late to start filling life with your creations. Check out the book called Mastery by Robert Greene as he explains how to become a master at whichever craft you enjoy no matter the age. Feel like drawing? START NOW Feel like making music? START NOW Want to start writing? START NOW! Whatever it is, it's never too late to start. Good luck man and hope you'll be able to change that nothing to tons!
"Mastery" By Robert Greene.
I wish I had read this book when I was younger, but I honestly don't know if it would have affected me the same. It's great for life-perspective, especially regarding work/educational ambitions.
I highly recommend the book Getting Things Done by the inventor of GTD, David Allen. I listened to the book (which is narrated by Mr Allen himself) and found it to be very help- and insightful.
With philosophy, it's often a good idea to read a modern author's summary and explanation first, instead of going straight for the source material.
I recommend you read A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph or Stoicism and the Art of Happiness: A Teach Yourself Guide and see if you want to move on to the actual Stoics.
That said, Stoicism is one of the most useful and applicable schools of philosophy and well worth educating yourself about, even if you're not that interested in philosophy in general.
Maybe asking him out is good either way. Let's assume best case: y'all date for a few years and have fun, then break up (sorry). That'd be great! If you ask him out and he says no, though, (worst case!) you actually still gain a lot. The realization that a "no" doesn't hurt more than "what if." The vital social skill of navigating life around exes and/or people who you didn't date but tried. You'll figure out how to get back to "friendship" level if dating isn't in the cards.
Rejection is hard, but I find this quote helpful: "Choose not to be harmed — and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed — and you haven't been," from the ancient Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius.
If this argument makes sense to you, you might read the short book, "The Obstacle is the Way," by Ryan Holiday.
Check out Ryan Holidays "The Obstacle is the way" it come with many anectodes how stoic principles have been applied (http://www.amazon.com/The-Obstacle-Is-Way-Timeless/dp/1591846358)
It sucks, but do not feel sorry for yourself. Don't let this setback negatively impact the rest of your life, or let your physique get any worse than it has to. Keep the tightest possible diet, walk a little (if your doctor says it's cool), and use the time to make serious life gains outside of the gym.
Here are all the books with amazon links, Alphabetical order :)