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I'm still learning myself. So I don't have all the answers. But I highly recommend Feeling Good by Dr Burns (http://amzn.to/2xdUvqJ). It's the No.1 best selling CBT book on depression.

It talks about dependence (love addiction) and approval addiction. Loneliness is something I've looked into a bit as well.

Love addiction

When you rely on love to be happy, you are not taking responsibility for your emotional life. The healthy mindset to have is that it would be nice to have someone love you, but it's not a need. You don't need a partner to achieve what you want and enjoy pleasurable activities.

You can love yourself through positive thinking (admiring your positive qualities everyday and how your a bit better today, accepting your flaws like a loved one would, taking good care of yourself, imagining people who have loved you in the past giving you warm feelings or even an imaginary compassionate being). Self soothing our inner child is an important skill for everyone to develop.

Changing dysfunctional attitudes like "I need love" involves a written exercise where you list the advantages and disadvantages of believing this and then re-write a healthier assumption. It's not wise to put your emotional health in something fickle. It's also unattractive to women if you're needy. It's like a downward spiral of loneliness.

I meet someone who was independent and happy, despite having no relationship experience in her late 20's and believing she would never marry. It gave me a role model to aspire to.

Also your self worth isn't based on being successful in love. Everyone has a self worth of 1 unit. It doesn't change no matter what. Even if you're unloved, you're just as worthy as someone else. Self worth is self worth. Relationship status is a different word to self worth. They're not the same thing. Your self worth is independent of looks, employment status, relationships status etc.

Aim to believe that you're a lovable, good, caring and competent person. Look for evidence that proves it, rather than character assassinating yourself and focusing on the negatives. Nobody is objectively good or bad. It's all opinion. Some people thought Charles Manson was good and worshiped him. So hold a good opinion of yourself because it's the helpful thing to do.

Close friendships

You don't need close friends to validate you as person. You decide how worthy you are. It's independent of how many close friends you have.

You're not entitled to close friendships. It's important to accept the universe owes you nothing and accept real life. In the modern world, most adults don't have that many close friends. And I think a lot of people rely on their partner.

I use my work colleagues as a source of friendship and sometimes organize once yearly socials with school mates through a whatapp group. I also never so no to a social invite. I use to be really closed off at work, because I thought people would reject me. But then I opened up and revealed my authentic weird self. Now I feel like I've built genuine friendships at work that I rely on for social support. Authenticity builds closeness. Focus on the other person in conversations. People love talking and it builds closeness when people feel you know them well and can support them.

Also spend time with family - take them out for dinner, phone calls etc. I appreciate the social support they've given me at times. Make the most out of what little social life you have and accept what people can give you. Rather than demand a level of closeness they can't deliver.

Solitary is nice too. It gives you space to recharge your batteries from work, grow and engage in hobbies.

Loneliness

Loneliness is natural. It's your body telling you that it wants social support and love. When it comes, be mindful of it and self soothe with kindness. Everyone experiences loneliness at some point in their life. It's a regular occurrence for me. You can't avoid suffering. It's a part of life. Make sure you take good of yourself when it comes. The only true solution to loneliness is friendship and love. As long as you are trying your best to get those things, there's nothing more you can do. Healthy distractions are a good thing during the day.

Life will get better. People will gravitate towards you, you may find love and you will become better at coping. You've just got to take every day as it comes and keep working on it.

OP, I would suggest spending the next one year of your life dedicating yourself to learning about India. I do not mean superficial learning about empty customs and rituals - I mean actually learning about the history of India over the last 5000 years.

I hate, hate, hate to use quotes from Westerners who have studied India (because it goes to show that we take pride when Westerners say something good about India) - but because you have such a huge inferiority complex about your race and wish you were White, I shall resort to using these examples.

>1. If I were to look over the whole world to find out the country most richly endowed with all the wealth, power, and beauty that nature can bestow – in some parts a very paradise on earth – I should point to India. If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most full developed some of its choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered on the greatest problems of life, and has found solutions of some of them which well deserve the attention even of those who have studied Plato and Kant – I should point to India. And if I were to ask myself from what literature we, here in Europe, we who have been nurtured almost exclusively on the thoughts of Greeks and Romans, and of one Semitic race, the Jewish, may draw that corrective which is most wanted in order to make our inner life more perfect, more comprehensive, more universal, in fact more truly human, a life, not for this life only, but a transfigured and eternal life – again I should point to India. - Max Muller

>2. J. Robert Oppenheimer, American physicist and director of the Manhattan Project, learned Sanskrit in 1933 and read the Bhagavad Gita in the original form, citing it later as one of the most influential books to shape his philosophy of life. Upon witnessing the world's first nuclear test in 1945, he later said he had thought of the quotation "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds", verse 32 from chapter 11 of the Bhagavad Gita.

>3. In the introduction to The World as Will and Representation, written in 1818, Arthur Schopenhauer stated that "the access to [the Vedas], opened to us through the Upanishads, is in my eyes the greatest advantage which this still young century enjoys over previous ones, because I believe that the influence of the Sanscrit literature will penetrate not less deeply than did the revival of Greek literature in the fifteenth century".

>4. In 1789 Jones published a translation of Kālidāsa's The Recognition of Sakuntala. The translation captured the admiration of many, notably Goethe, who expressed his admiration for the Sanskrit play Shakuntala. Goethe went on to borrow a device from the play for his Faust, Part One.


Spend the next one year reading about how rich your culture is. I don't mean Bollywood culture - you don't need to learn anything about that - read about History, Philosophy, the various art forms. I know India is a messed up place in many, many ways but things will improve. Every country/region goes through ups and downs. You think the US is going to be a great country 300 years from now? There was a time when the Greeks were a mighty nation and now they are reduced to nothing. There was a time when the Arabs contributed a lot to mathematics and art - now they don't have that kind if culture.

You are never going to have true self-confidence if you don't feel proud about your origins. You are lucky that you are from India - because there are many things you can find about India's glorious past to feel pride in.

I recommend this book to get started - 'The Wonder That Was India'

http://www.amazon.com/Wonder-That-India-A-L-Basham/dp/033043909X

You will see how in the Indus Valley there was actual town planning - this was when most of Europe was a complete mess. I agree that we shouldn't just find comfort in the past and the present is most important. The present day India is a complete, complete, complete mess. But how can we expect to get out of the mess if the youth do not even have self-confidence about their heritage? In the case of Indians, we need to teach our children about our glorious past so that they feel pride and then are able to dream big and change the country.

I don't know what your story is and whether or not your parents ever discussed Indian History with you beyond the British rule. Anyway, you are an adult now and live in a country where you have access to excellent public libraries. Go and immerse yourself in some serious study. You will come out a different person.


EDIT 1 - Regarding women : Just have self-confidence and try to be a good human being. Don't give a damn about what another person thinks of you, and this quality will attract women.

You are clearly speaking from a rough place in your life right now and feeling very low. I want to start by saying I'm glad you reached out to us here. A lot of people just close up within themselves and sink further into depression, but you decided to open up and communicate. That's very important and shows you actually have more strength than you think. Just wanted to acknowledge you for that before addressing your points.

First nothing is permanent. Your academic failure, your previous experience with women--yes, all that has happened and you can't reverse it now. But there is absolutely no reason whatsoever it has to be the same in the future. Your choices led to your past results, but change your choices and you change your future.

Many people who initially failed at things went on to become very successful at it. Michael Jordan was rejected the first time he tried out for high school basketball. You know why? They thought he was "too short". Think about this for a minute. Imagine if Michael Jordan said "You know what, they're right. I'm not like those tall guys. I'll never be a great basketball player, because I just wasn't born with the right traits." Imagine if that's what he thought! But he didn't. He decided he was going to work harder at proving himself up to the task. And MJ isn't unique, there are tons of stories like this if you look.

That's my overall, biggest point. Don't close the book. You have the power of choice, the power to choose differently and thus experience differently.

Now to your specific statements...

>At 23 years of age

Well right here, let's set something straight: 23 is still very young! Only on Reddit, full of kiddies, is 23 somehow "older" or "mature". I'm in my later 30s, and let me tell you something: I didn't know shit at 23! Like maybe a little bit, but the real learning started after college in the "real world". You sound like you're some old man at the end of his days who's realized "what the world is", but from my perspective--no offense--that's hilarious! I guarantee like 50%+ of what you think you "know" right now you will later realize was completely ass backwards.

>Some guys just have the "x-factor". They have been born with the ability to attract girls.

I brought up the MJ not being "tall enough" example before, but further: yes some people are just naturally more physically attractive given their "baseline" looks. It's ridiculous to deny that. However, and the ladies reading this can confirm this for me, that is not at all the only factor behind a woman's attraction to a man. It has as much if not more to do with how the man carries himself, how he communicates, how interesting he is as a person. You mentioned success later so I'll continue this when I go into that below...

>Should I hire an escort to get rid of my virginity?

100% no. That should be a moment with someone who respects you and cares about you. You're assuming no one ever will, but what I'm trying to point out is that control over that future is up to you. (Historical side note: Friedrich Nietzsche lost his virginity to a prostitute, and regretted it his whole life.)

>my lack of success. I have crap grades with no foreseeable future. No Indian girl in her right mind will want a desi man like that.

You have crap grades up until now, OK. But here's where your being 23 shows: you seem to think "grades" = "life". Only someone who's lived totally in the world of school thinks that. Yes you do have to get back on track, start fresh, and finish your degree. But your resume isn't going to show your GPA, so don't worry so much about that. Your college transcript isn't your "life" transcript!

>What is the best way for me to stop being attracted to Indian girls (I think a lot of them are really pretty?

Well first, you can't stop being attracted to who you're attracted to. If you could, then gays could be "converted" to straight. They obviously report (if they're allowed to be honest) that this 100% fails. So this is kind of silly to attempt anyway.

>, Im just not good enough) I have accepted this fact

Fact? Fact did you say? :) No, this is just your current interpretation of your situation. The facts are what happened, but not what that means about you as a person. Your choices now about what to do in this situation will be what really defines you.

Final note: One book that's very easy to read and that I really, really think would help you a lot right now is this one. It's based on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and the key insight for them is to separate your interpretations of situations from the facts--sort of the core message here.

Edit: grammerz

Its super old school, but I love to cook and Madhur Jaffrey’s Flavors of India is one of my favourites. Some of the recipes are elaborate, all-day affairs but everything I’ve tried has been delicious. She gets into the history of each region and its food and my copy (my mom’s from 1995) includes lots of pictures so its also just a fun book to read.

For something much more casual, Indian-ish has been getting great reviews, but I haven’t tried it myself.

The one book that I recommend to every single person I run into is "The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion".

The book is a summation of research by moral psychologist Jonathan Haidt that really changed the way I thought about how different people arrive at different moral values and perspectives, as well as articulated and crystallized what I already intuitively understood.

It had particular relevance to me as an Indian-American because when it comes down to it, the culture clash between Desi and Western values really revolves around different moral values, and the book really helped me understand the nuance and approach behind both.

On my summer reading list, I have:

• Player Piano
  
  
• Lolita (re-reading. Nabokov's use of language is sublime)
  
  
• The Swerve: How The World Became Modern
  
  
• The Conquest of the Incas
  
  
• Let The Great World Spin
  
  
• Theodore Rex
  
  
  I'm currently half way through The Conquest of the Incas. If anyone has interest in the Spanish invasion of Mesoamerica, I highly recommend it. It's a very vivid account of the political games Pizarro and his generals played to take over the Inca empire and solidify their grip in the New World.

Children Just Like Me

As a kid, my little sisters and I used to love seeing how kids around the world lived. This book is a gem

https://www.amazon.com/Children-Just-Like-Me-Celebration/dp/0789402017/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1522097689&sr=8-2&keywords=children+just+like+me

The Paper Crane by Molly Bang. I loved this in 2nd grade, it was an East Asian styled tale involving origami and magic
https://www.amazon.com/Paper-Crane-Reading-Rainbow-Book/dp/0688073336/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1522097844&sr=1-2&keywords=paper+crane

Malala's Magic Pencil
https://www.amazon.com/Malalas-Magic-Pencil-Malala-Yousafzai/dp/0316319570/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1522097952&sr=1-1&keywords=malala%27s+pencil

everything by william dalrymple and pankaj mishra. some of mishra's stuff is more present day than history, but it's rooted in a lot of postcolonialist analysis which of course draws heavily on history.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Last-Mughal-Dynasty-Vintage/dp/1400078334

http://www.amazon.com/From-Ruins-Empire-Intellectuals-Remade-ebook/dp/B0071W4UH4

also read http://www.amazon.com/Empires-Indus-The-Story-River/dp/0393338606 by alice albinia. very well written, it's both a travelogue and a history primer of the communities along the indus. great read

FYI, here's some Desi-themed science fiction I recommend:

• Manjula Padmanabham's book Kleptomania and Other Stories and her play Harvest
  
• not a Desi writer, but I really enjoyed Ian McDonald's River of Gods, book 1 in the "India 2047" series

I'm in the middle of The Lies of Locke Lamora. I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi but my brother recommended it to me and insisted I read it. I'm actually really like it so far.

The other book I'm reading is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. I'm only a few chapters into it but it's interesting to this point.

I would highly, highly recommend Ghost Wars: The Secret History of the CIA, Afghanistan, and Bin Laden, from the Soviet Invasion to September 10, 2001 (2004). It does an absolutely brilliant job of situating General Zia's rule and his influence on Pakistani politics and society in the context of larger international trends relating to the war in Afghanistan. You'd probably be specifically interested in Part 1 of the book, which covers a lot about the Zia era.

I'd also recommend books by Ahmed Rashid, who has written a ton about current events relating to the Pakistan and the surrounding region.

> religious nationalism was one part of a larger set reasons for Pakistan forming.

> Deeper concerns about electoral representation in a unified India were at work

Have a read

Since you guys are posting slow cooker recipes, I really recommend this book: The Indian Slow Cooker

One of my favorite things to make is chicken vindaloo in the slow cooker (recipe below. Warning! This feeds a LOT of people, so scale back as needed):

• 8 large yellow onions
  
  
• 6 tablespoons white wine vinegar
  
  
• 8 inches ginger root
  
  
• 20 garlic cloves
  
  
• 6 to 10 serrano chilies (depending on your heat tolerance)
  
  
• 1 tablespoon turmeric powder (it's not Desi without some haldi)
  
  
• 1 tablespoon ground coriander
  
  
• 1 tablespoon garam masala
  
  
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon powder
  
  
• 1 large tablespoon of coarse salt
  
  
• 1 tablespoon black mustard seed
  
  
• 1 tablespoon black peppercorns
  
  
• 4 pounds chicken
  
  
• 1/2 cup water
  
  Peel and slice the onions. Warm 2 tablespoon of oil in a frying pan and fry the onions until almost caramelized, then add the vinegar. Stir until the liquid evaporates, then puree and set aside.
  
  Puree the ginger, garlic, chilies, turmeric, coriander, garam masala and cinnamon and set aside for now.
  
  Grind the salt, mustard seeds and peppercorn and put into the slow cooker.
  
  Cut the chicken into bite sized chunks, and put it, along with all the things you set aside into the slow cooker. Add the water and let it sit on low for 6 hours.
  
  Serve with rice or naan.

Search “hare krishna scarf” on amazon. I found this and similar versions in different colors.

I don't think so. She is releasing a book in 2019 tho.

https://www.amazon.com/Indian-ish-Recipes-Antics-Modern-American/dp/1328482472

Try this one http://www.amazon.com/The-Blood-Telegram-Gary-Bass/dp/0307744620

You should check out India: A Potrait It covers history from 1947 to present.

The Dallas locality around the Hanuman temple has a lot of commited families where kids learn full Gita (rare even in India), various stotras, yoga and languages. It is mainly Telugu based though there are probably some Tamil people too.

BTW, I think the terms like 'conservative' and 'holding on' are somewhat self-defeating and moreover not true. What is the unusual is the current setup which is inherited from Protestant background where learning happens primarily from texts, and learning from actions ('ritual') has become sidelined(this book covers some of the reasons - its author teaches courses on Harvard on ritual).

But that is a temporary thing and things are changing. A more productive diagnosis is how to transmit the inspiration which lies behind the processes. Like for some reason, a culture develops taboos against math or reading poetry(like post-Protestant societies have against practices across the world) , the response isnt so much about holding on to math or poetry, but figuring out what has broken down in the learning process and repair it.

My recommendation is The Last Mughal: The Fall of a Dynasty. It's about the last Mughal Emperor of India and the rise of the British Raj. Even though not written by an India, Dalrymple's research heavily relied on previously undiscovered documents in the Indian Archives. Also it has pictures!

You should also check out William Dalrymple's [other books] (http://www.amazon.com/William-Dalrymple/e/B000API5E8/ref=la_B000API5E8_pg_1?rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_82%3AB000API5E8&ie=UTF8&qid=1397287440). His last book, [Return of a King: The Battle for Afghanistan, 1839-42] (http://www.amazon.com/Return-King-Afghanistan-1839-42-Vintage/dp/0307948536/ref=la_B000API5E8_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1397287446&sr=1-1), deals with the British East India Company's first foray into Afghanistan.

Edited for formatting

This book is what shaped my thinking on the Bangladeshi independence war: https://amazon.com/Blood-Telegram-Kissinger-Forgotten-Genocide/dp/0307744620. One of the things it points out is that the groups you mentioned were killing and raping in Bangladesh first. This does NOT excuse the Mukti Bahini for doing the same; it is inhuman and wrong, and they should have figured out another way to establish deterrence. There is blood on both sides. But, it /is/ on both sides -- it wasn't one side attacking the other unprovoked, as your comment might suggest at first glance.