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I'm 31. I've always knew I was lazy, a terrible procrastinator, not able to focus on tasks for a long amount of time, etc. I just thought I was a "smart slacker". At 27 I definitely knew something was wrong but I had no idea what it was. I didn't know what ADHD was (I thought it was the super active 12 year old from my school days). About a year ago, I saw something on reddit that made me learn a bit about ADHD-Pi and I realised I had many of the symptoms.

I procrastinated maybe 3 months, then spent 3 months doing research. I read More Attention, Less Deficit which is a very easy and satisfying read, even for us ADHD'rs. I also read Dr. Brown's A New Understanding of ADHD in Children and Adults. This is a very technical book but it allowed me to convince myself that there is scientific consensus about a) ADHD is a real disorder that can severely effect your life and b) that medication (ie, stimulants) really is a safe and effective treatment. I'd recommend the first book for anyone and the second book if you'd like to learn about the latest in ADHD science.

The next 3 months I spent finding and working with a psychologist. She was great. She gave me a diagnosis. It was a huge relief. I was finally able to know why I had certain behaviors I didn't like and she gave me motivation to work on them. Just discussing my problems, ie "talk therapy", actually really helped. She helped me find a great psychiatrist. It took me another 3 months to get in and I'm working with him now. He has me on a low dosage (5mg dextroaphetamine) and we're working on increasing it. I've already seen huge results. I procrastinate less, I'm able to focus, I'm less distracted, my mood has improved, my anxiety has gone done, I've become more social.

This was a long process. The system is set up to work against people with ADHD. You'll need to do research, book appointments, keep appointments, research insurance options, find doctors. This is not easy for an ADHD'r to navigate! However, even though its taken a year, I am so incredibly glad I've taken this journey. I've made huge gains already and I'm very optimistic for the future.

I think you could probably make huge improvements in your life if you worked on this. I'd recommend using a psychiatrist (over your GP) to make sure you really get a correct diagnosis, address any comorbidities and get a treatment plan that works for you. Although I'm happy to be improving at 31, I wish I had treatment at 27 (or you know, 12!).

Break it down into small steps:

• 1. January: Research ADHD. Order and read More Attention, Less Deficit.
     
• 2. February: (I assume you're American) Research your insurance options. Is a psychiatrist covered? are drugs covered? If drug cost is a barrier, tell your psychiatrist. [I'm currently on generic dextroamphetamine, which is $15 for a two week supply and my insurance overs 90% of that. Yes, that's right, $3/month for drugs]
     
• 3. February: Research Psychiatrists in your area. You mentioned you live in an expensive city, its very likely someone there specialises in adult ADHD. This would be your first choice for a doctor.
     
• 4. February/March: book your first appointment with your Psychiatrist. It will likely take multiple visits before you receive a diagnosis. Be prepared for this and focus on the future - you're almost there.
     
• 5. March/April: begin your treatment plan with your psychiatrist. He will likely start you on a low dosage and increase it over time (i.e. 5mg/week). Here's what a medication chart (PDF) looks like in Canada, I'm sure the US does something similar. You'll have to continue to be patient here as well. It can take time to find the right medication and dosage. This is a trial and error procedure that you'll work on with your psychiatrist.
     
• 6. May/June: Once you're on a medication plan that works for you, consider seeking out either ADHD therapy (psychologist) or coaching (ADHD coach). Again, make sure its a professional that specialises in adult ADHD.
     
     Is the above a lot of work? Yes absolutely. It may be costly too. You know what though, your quality of life will increase. You'll become a better employee and maybe get that big raise. You'll become better at relationships which lead to a happier life. And you could make serious gains by this summer. Think how fast summer is going to be here!
     
     My apologies for the wall of text. Hope this gives you some motivation and direction. /r/ADHD is rooting for you!
     
     

First of all - he should be figuring out these things by himself. You're not his therapist.

But it won't hurt if you understand how it all works, and have some tricks in your sleeve.

As for using the phone when takking to you - are you sure he's not listening? I used to date a girl with adhd, she was on the phone all the time, but we managed to have meaningful ocnversations in the meantime. But perhaps it was because of my adhd - the same style of chaotic conversations...

With my past non adhd gf - on some subjects - like her work - I just simply couldn't focus however much I tried. I was gone in 30s top. We acknowledged that, made fun out of it, and discussed other things :)
On the other way, if we sound a subject that was interesting for me, I was praised for being super insightful - by most of my partners.

If you need/want his attention on something less than exciting, I think you need to raise his dopamine levels

• I recently fed my mom coffee when I wanted her to focus :)
  
• Big meals - full stomach ='insuline => dopamine :) talk to him after a bigger meal
  
• I began using nicotine gums which have an effect similar tommeds, but lasting shorter
  
• Rhytmic music / drums, techno in the background helps some people, I don't know why. There is evem some research on this afaik
  
• Any sort of movement - a talk during walking will be easier
  
• Trying to keep with his pace - the faster you speak, the more gesturea you make, the easier it is to grab his attention.
  
• Aderral also, perhaps he can take a small booster in the afternoon when a situation requires it.
  
  As for the housework... uh, that's difficult. We're not good with details. I spent a lot of time practicing the house duties, but however much I try I just cannot keep certain standards. There are some good books on learning housework though - this one was an amazing read: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308 . Helped me a lot.
  Also, optimizing some things in the cleaning process. I absolutely despised vacuuming until I bought a wireless dyson. No messing with cables, I just grab it and clean the house.
  
  Perhaps there are other things he can do that could make up for the lack of attention into the housework? E.g. my gf did a bit more of housework, but I prepared saturday morning breakfasts for her, and did other things.
  Or there are some kinds of housework that he's better than the others? I'm absolutely shitty when it comes to keeping stuff organised and in its place, but taking out trash, washing dishes etc - no problem with that!
  
  As for the spontanaiety - we split up after 8 years. We worked out everything else, but me not being to invite friends ad hoc was something I couldn't live without.
  
  Having said that.. many adhdrs have problems falling asleep. Perhaps he's inviting friends over when he feels his mind is still racing and he cannot unwind? (He may not even realize it's that)
  Adhdrs sleeping problems are due to low dopamine, so regular remedies like camomile or simply turning off the distractors doesn't help that much. When I'm low on dopamine, I will just lie in bed and my thoughts will be racing literally for hours.
  
  Solutions to this, aside from the ones mentioned before... Meditaion, relaxation, sport in the evening. Also, if you guys are into massages, that works brilliantly. You could tell him he can invite friends but first you'll give him a massage (and he'll massage you in return). A high chance he'll unwind enough and tell you he's fine. No promises though :)
  
  
  Of course I'm not saying that you should tolerate all his quirks, and absolve him of the housework. It's more about figuring out which part is easier for whom. And keeping in mind that some of his faults come with some of his awesome parts - he could be on meds 24/7 - you wouldn't have the problems you mentioned at all, but then many things you love about him would disappear as well...
  
  Also, like the others said - meds are just a part of solution, and a good therapy/counselling will help him figure it out all. Some people use adhd as an excuse to avoid difficult things altogether :( It's him who should be on this sub now, hyperfocusing on how to make it all work!
  
  

Girl, I am in exactly the same position as you. Actually created an account just to comment on this b/c it really struck a chord with me. I did get to a psychiatrist to officially diagnose me -- but couldn't afford to keep seeing him every 3 months to renew the prescription, so I am now medicine-free again :/

Here are some things that I've been working with over the past year:

1. Fish oil pills. My DR told me to start taking these ASAP when he diagnosed me. His advice was to find a pill with an Omega-3 balance of 700 mg EPA/300 mg DHA, and take two doses of that a day (so 2000 mg/day). Clinical studies show a big relief in ADHD symptoms after about 3 months if you maintain this; big relief in mood/anxiety (if that's a problem for you) after 2 weeks. I am inconsistent with this but feel a big relief when I take them regularly. Dr. warned me that there is significant variation in how effective these pills are, so it's important to get high-quality pills and check the labels for dosage information, or you won't see a benefit. Store 'em in the freezer if they give you fishy burps.
   
   
2. Exercise. Hard but SO helpful. Clinical studies show amazing benefits; benefits keep increasing the more you exercise, up to 1 hour of vigorous exercise/day. (Sorry no citation, this was also told to me by my DR.) I became SO much happier when following the couch to 5k program.
   
   
3. Coffee. Adderall for cheapos. I drink more than is healthy, but it helps me focus when I feel myself "drifting" and I personally think that's worth the health trade off. Your mileage may vary.
   
   
4. Sleep. 9 hours a night and I am a motherfucking HERO. That's hard to get but it truly, truly makes an impact for me personally. I try to turn off all screens/electronics an hour before bed, take a melatonin 30 min before turning off the lights, and turn off lights at least 8 hours before I need to get up, earlier when I can.
   
   
5. Self-educate. Off the top of my head, the book that's helped me the most is this one, almost certainly available fo' free at your local library. Check everyone on ADHD out of the library, who knows? Something might click for you.
   
   That is the sum total of my current low-cost ADHD self-care system! If I am consistently implementing all those things, and engaging supportive and helpful friends as coaches, I feel really good about my life. I am still a space cadet, but the important shit gets done and more importantly, I don't hate myself so much. Er, too real? No we're cool. Keeping on keeping on.
   
   Good luck!

Ha! I was just about to do a very similar post.

Here's a list of things I've figured out over the years (I'm 43), in no particular order, natch. They're not all exactly steps or how to's, some are more things to regularly consider (actions eminate from thoughts).

1. Make lists: I still do paper lists, but using things like evernote, onenote, and keep, are invaluable for capturing ideas and staying organized. Sometimes I don't even need the lists I make, just the act of writing it down or capturing it helps me chill out and refreshes what I need to get done. Or get at the store (crap, forgot catfood again).
   
   
2. Calendar: Having a smartphone is such a huge help, put everything in there, appointments, birthdays, reminders. Practice remembering, and you won't always need it, but it's there if you do. I mean, garbage day is always friday for me, but why don't you guess how many times my phone has gone off Thursday night and I'm like, "oh yea".
   
   
3. Take it easy on yourself: Beating yourself up about forgetting things or spacing out is waste of time, damaging, and flat-out holding you back. I'm not saying be all laissez-faire about it, but don't make your situation worse with a bunch of negativity. I mean, if it worked there wouldn't be any issues, would there? I don't know how many times I've torn myself apart for forgetting something, yet again. It took me a long time to realize that that emotional nonsense was actually making it harder to accomplish what I was trying to do. Be nice to yourself.
   
   
4. Refocus: Every so often bring yourself back to the Here and Now, check the time, clear your mind, ask yourself "what am I thinking about" "what am I doing". This is one of the most useful things I've ever figured out how to do. Inner space is infinite and not always pleasant, if you'e got an active and vivid imagination it's not too hard to end up more than a couple dimensions over from reality. Developing the ability to slip out of the flow is a huge help for course corrections. It's not easy, but it's awesome. The benifits of mindfulness meditation are legion. Like while writing this post, I've snapped myself out of revery several times and gotten back to my paying job. See #3 above!
   
   
5. Double, Triple check: When you hear or read something, ask yourself, did that stick? It might feel like the info landed, but did it? Repeat your understanding back to the person your talking to, or ask yourself what it was you just read. I do this all the time at work, after a conversation or meeting I'll quickly go over my understanding to make sure it's clear (often with the aid of notes). "So RTM has slipped another 2 weeks which puts it behind the hotfix. We need to drop our current pass and spin up hotfix testing." Or "Wait a sec, before I go all the way to the lab, do I remember what rack that was in?"
   
   
6. Exercise: The benefits from 20 minutes of cardio every day are redonkulous. Check out Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain for the details, science, and some inspirational stories. It was written by phsychiatrist John J. Ratey, one of the authors of "Driven to Distraction'. Seriously, getting a run in for me is such good medicine, it clears the head, and destresses me. If I get off my ass and get a workout in first thing, I am on for the day.
   
   
7. Nutrition: We all know this one. What you put in your body affects your chemistry. Not just what, but when as well. There's a lot of ADHD management programs out there that focus on nutrition, avoiding certian foods, increasing others, taking supplements. Stack the deck in your favor. If I don't keep myself fed and get too hungry (anyone else forget to eat?), I get pretty useless and cranky until I gnosh.
   
   
8. Watch your manners: I don't know what else to say about this. "It's 11pm, should I really call my buddy?" "Oooh, I saw the movie they're talking about, should I go over what I thought of it?" "Why is this guy taking so long to get to his point, I get it. Should I tell him where he's going?" "I really really want to ask her a question, should I ask now?" Paying attention to manners can avoid and relive SOOO many issues. I've found asking and apologizing works very well. "Excuse me, sorry to bug you, but..." "I'm sorry to intrude, I had some questions, is this a good time?" "I'm sorry, I didn't catch what you just said." I've found that even if you are spacing out or barging in, if you own that fact and mention it, people really appreciate it. Like after I hear my name for the 3rd? time, "Yes! Sorry, I was really into that. Whats up?" Just imagine someone doing what you do, to you. Good god, it's worth it.
   
   
9. Organize, Routine, schedule, Habit (structure): It's much easier to find things if there's a known place for them, and it's much easier to go about the day if it's already more or less planned out. Study at a certian time, do laundry on a certian day, keep the tools in a toolbox in a certian place. (Shower, pills, breakfast, shower, pills, breakfast, shower pills, breakfast) Build up useful habits, if you make things a habit, you don't need to remember. Put your keys in the same place everytime (my wallet and keys never leave my pocket, my phones in only a couple places). It's a bitch to get started, but don't give up and it'll stick. My wife is always losing her keys, coat, purse, glasses, and I'm like, "just put them in the same place", and she's like, "I'm not like you!" ORLY? :P "Maybe your not as bad but it just works for everyone". Try something, anything, because if you don't, it WILL just be chaos.
   
   
10. Follow through: If you start something, finish it. If you say it, do it. Making myself follow through on projects I've started, but have lost interest in, has really tempered my tendancy to just jump in, and there's an extra sense of accomplishment when it's just done. I grew up in a very flakey family, my step-dad would leave me stranded for hours after basketball practice (this was in the late 80's noone had cell phones), or make grandiose, exciting plans only to completely flake or make excuses. So for me, being on time or meeting a commitment I made to someone comes pretty easily.

I'm pretty similar to you. Basically for me I've just had to accumulate a TON of strategies. Know that you need to try, but that many times you'll get very little done. You have to not let that get you down. But always try.

For me, my progress is very slow, like over a period of months. I did a month trip in May, and because I wasn't working, all my habits and productivity reverted to zero. I could only do very small things then, but I didn't get mad at myself for how pathetic it was. And by now, I'm way better, but still not where I want to ultimately be. One day at a time.

So I wrote a post to a similar thread a couple weeks ago about a lot of my strategies so I'll copy a lot of it here. This is a lot, sorry, and don't let it overwhelm you! Don't try to do all of them at once. Maybe for a week just try 3 of them. Consistency in the long run is better than a sprint now. So if you tried all of these right now and maybe did them all hard for like 3 days, you'll probably drop 100% of them in a short period of time.

Doing one or two of these, and not that well, is way better than doing none of them. You'll get better overtime.


__

Here's my post:



-starting is the hardest part. which is why habits help. Habits are what your brain does almost automatically. My brain won't freak out at first and give me a ton of resistance with habits, unlike normal things.

-I've been reading this book--ADD Friendly ways to organize your life right now and that helps. It's kind of geared toward housewives which sounds weird but I just apply it to my life and have gotten a lot out of it so far. Visualize how it will help you and write down plans, don't just mindlessly read it.

-chains.cc is a good way to track stuff. Here's a screenshot of how I use my chains. But don't start with as many as I have at first. Make it 5 MAX. Then overtime maybe add one more at a time if you want. Do it every day.

-the blog deep existence and the related book Mini Habits are good for that too. His book/philosophy are about making habits and goals so stupidly small, that you'll never not do them. His big example is the "one push-up a day" challenge. In reality you'll do more most of the time. But always do at least one. This could apply if you're a writer too, or anything. At least 50 words a day.

-Adderall and Propranolol help me too, but I don't rely on them a ton and even if I did, without a bunch of strategies they wouldn't be that helpful. Propranolol isn't addictive and doesn't cross the blood brain barrier so it's pretty cool. It's about lowering your body's natural anxious response, while adderall is the one that increases your focus. But again, if I'm not doing my strategies, I may just procrastinate in a more intense manner if I just took adderall.

-Cardiovascular exercise helps me! Doing it doesn't entirely fix my problems, but it kind of metaphorically flushes out my pipes when they get clogged. I'm running highish mileage 5 days a week right now. It helps break up my stressful day of tasks and my brain gets to unwind.

-use the pomodero technique. There's a good app called Phocus that is for this, but I bet there's a ton of other equally good ones. So basically it's 20-25 minutes of working, 5 minutes of break, over and over. Often, my brain is so stressed out and spazzy, but just turning on this app (and then putting my phone in AIRPLANE MODE while working) makes my brain get in the zone, and I may be able to work for like 90 minutes without a break, even when I should be taking my 5 minute breaks.

-before Pomodero, I do a "3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days strategy" where I write down my goals for the next 3 minutes, 3 hours, and 3 days. Sometimes it could be better to do "3 minutes, 30 minutes, 3 hours". Whatever works best. picture of how I do it

-physically go somewhere else. For me, if it's something I can do in a library, I try to do it there. My brain is so much less stressed out. The "WHAT ABOUT THIS, WHAT ABOUT THAT"s can't happen as much because most of my stuff is at home.

-Block facebook/reddit/whatever. ColdTurkey also helps, it's more intense. Try taking actual long breaks from them too (shoot for 2 months). They make my brain way more spazzy and when I have good time away, I'm able to actually read books and have a more calm mind. Another thing to add onto these two things is using the SECOND of three methods here: http://www.wikihow.com/Block-Access-to-Your-Facebook-Account-Temporarily

-general ADD shit: using phone reminders and planners religiously. I simply won't remember something unless I write it down.


Good luck!

So I guess for me the first step was just sort of coming to an understanding that drinking really isn't adding anything, but that it is taking so much away... and just listing all of those things, like verbally or in pen or something, because what happens is you realize how often you are making the same stupid mistakes... Like once you have said it allowed or written it down, every time it happens you have to acknowledge that it also happened yesterday, and the day before, and it was really bad the time before that... It was just getting exhausting.

So I just was getting so tired of it, like it sounds like you are, so I set a date. Didn't make any changes in the mean time, was still drinking, still saying yes every time somebody asked me if I wanted to go out, still kept doing the "just one more" dance, carried on with the daily hangovers etc... but I had my date set and for a full month it got to the point where I just couldn't wait to reach the date, I was so ready for it.

In the interim, I read a couple of books about neuroplasticity and habit formation that I found really helpful. If you only read one book, my suggestion would be The Power of Habit, but I also read Rewire Your Brain which was also super helpful, and I just ordered "The easy way to stop drinking" which is linked in the sidebar at /r/stopdrinking, so we'll see what that has to say.

So I guess what I have been doing is really just focusing on the positives, because I was just getting so so tired of the bullshit and I had this image in my head of what I want my life to be like when I get to a point where the urge to drink isn't constantly in my head. So, with a several page long list in hand of all the little triggers, and a really really really long list of reasons why I wanted to do this in case I forget, the day finally came and so I told my family what I was doing, and decided to start working on all the things I was excited about, like books and hobbies and stuff. Apart from the hangover that day I was pretty excited...

Unfortunately, it didn't go well to start because I didn't sleep a wink for days, so I was in really, reeeeally bad shape, but truthfully I had prepped my head for enough time that the desire to go back just so I could get some sleep wasn't unmanageable, especially because I know that if I drank I'd just have to go through the bullshit all over again... So now it's been almost a week, I'm kinda starting to function again normally, and I'm feeling so much better than I have in a very long time already, even though I still haven't slept well still... I also went to buy coffee yesterday and I thought "I better check my checking account balance, I don't want my card to get declined here AGAIN..." and I was pretty shocked to see I had $80 in there, that never happens by this time of month... So I'm just focusing on these awesome little changes as much as I can, every positive little change or occurrence I make a point of paying attention to so that I don't lose momentum...

Also, posting at /r/stopdrinking every day has been super helpful because my brain is running like 1000 miles per hour faster than usual, so it is super helpful just unload there, and somebody responds every time within minutes.

As others have mentioned, listen to professional advice, but I wouldn't ignore the advice of others with ADHD either.

I think one of the hardest things is really coming to accept that you have ADHD, and that you are not 'normal'. It's so important not to think of the difficulties that we face as our own laziness, or telling ourselves that we have no willpower. One of the most helpful thought exercises / metaphors to deal with this, that I've been told to use is thinking of someone with an amputated leg:

Imagine your good friend has lost the lower half of his leg in a car accident. Obviously, he'll have a very hard time completing certain tasks that would be easy for other normal people, like walking, running, participating in sports, etc. This isn't something you would hold against him as a personality fault, AND with the proper prosthesis, he'd be able to enjoy those same activities.
With ADHD, we have difficulty with organization, attention, executive functioning, time management, etc. This is not a character trait/flaw you have a disability that causes this. This doesn't make us lazy, we're not broken or helpless either. Instead of a prosthetic limb, there are methods to compensate for our difficulties. These include medication, routinizing good habits, doing work with other people present, getting a coach, therapy and other things. Some may work better or worse for you. Medication usually has a very noticeable positive effect, but not for all of us.

For you right now, I'd say inform yourself about ADHD, I'd recommend this book: ADD Friendly Ways To Organize Your Life I got it for organizational reasons, but they also give stories of people that they've helped, and so many times listening to their stories I just kept on thinking, holy shit, the problem's this person are having, this is EXACTLY like me. That really helped for me to really acknowledge the validity of my diagnosis, in a more tangible way. They really talk about organizing on the strengths of someone with ADHD, so acknowledging that we are great at doing thing in quick spurts, I think their line is we are sprinters not marathon runners.

This is going way longer than I had intended so I will end on this: with your psychologist, if you're planning on seeing them regularly on an on-going basis, make sure that there is a particular goal that you're trying to achieve by going to therapy. Whether it's getting in shape, eating healthier, finding a creative hobby, or cutting down on the time you spend on reddit, make sure you have a goal, and your pscyhologist can even help you determine those goals.

Oh, and improper sleep habits GREATLY exacerbate my ADHD symptoms, so going to sleep at a reasonable time, and making sure I get enough sleep is essential for me if I want to fell more alive, and satisfied with myself. And exercise is great too.

I was diagnosed a few years ago (I'm 40 now) but my doc at the time was one to throw drugs at me and tell me good luck. One thing I've found (as I've been to a few doctors now) is that it's really helpful to find one that doesn't just treat you but educates you on what is and isn't affected by ADHD.

I recently picked up the book More Attention, Less Deficit and there are literally parts that almost make me tear up (extremely manly tears, of course) as it hits home so much and I can trace my ADHD back to childhood and see how it affected my life.

ADHD affects so many things that people don't realize, not just your ability to pay attention. I highly recommend you and your girlfriend looking at the book mentioned above, not only will it help her to identify and address the issues she's facing but might also help you to understand what's going on with her brain and how it affects her life and your relationship.

It really does take a book to fully describe ADHD and what it does. However I did read a great description recently where someone said it is like walking into Best Buy with that wall of TV's and every one of them is on a different channel. Now you have to focus on just one channel and comprehend what's going on, with 100 other channels playing at the same time. Imagine the channels as things like listening to a lecture, doing homework, doing chores, remember to pay bills on time. You may watch the "Pay Bills Now" channel very intently but it wears you out trying to focus on that and eventually you cave and that channel slips away.

I hope that makes sense somewhat. I think it's very cool that you care enough about your girlfriend to seek out info on ADHD. I was in a marriage for 10 years where my wife did not extend the same courtesy.. it will do both of you a lot of good.

Please feel free to message me if you have any other questions, I don't want to get 'too' long winded in your thread.

> Right now I am doing my best to dive into that flaw and try my best to understand why I feel that way.

It is a common type of thinking with ADD! We trick ourselves into tying self worth and productivity together. Growing up, many of us were told that we were lazy, stupid, or crazy! There is a great book on exactly this topic designed for those of us with ADD that I would highly recommend! It is easy to read, which I loved because I have a very hard time reading!

> I don't think my future self would be proud that I took the easy road. I don't want to die a failure.

My biggest regret in life in failing out of college. Not because I failed, but because I made it harder by not taking the easy way out. I could have passed, and am even successful in my career today aside from my career because I swore to never allow that failure to define me. There is nothing wrong with taking the easy path if it will improve you as a person and is more healthy for you in the long term. Sure, sometimes you will need to take the harder path, but don't force yourself past your limits.

> I wish it was different but it is what it is but I can't afford to be easy on myself.

You don't think you can, but there is a difference between being hard on yourself and being unfair to yourself! Mental health is important too, and if you're killing yourself and pushing yourself to the limit 24/7, you will burn out. You don't deserve that, and don't need to live that way, I promise!

> I wish I had supportive people like you and others on this sub in my life. Thank you for the kind words. I wish I knew a way to tell you how much that means to me.

You will find them in time! I once felt the same exact way, and often felt paralyzed with anxiety and fear over these types of thoughts. Things get better, but it takes baby steps! :)

I believe in you, and hope that you find the answers and help you are looking for in your life outside of this sub. You can do this, it just takes a little patience!

Sounds like ADHD, but also some anxiety. I really really doubt autism, I mean ask this question, can she share her emotions and feelings with you, if yes than probably not autism.

Sounds like the anxiety is the major problem right now, and he way you describe her mania sounds a lot more like panicky anxious energy, very common with ADHD. Real mania as in bipolar is indicated by heightened euphoria, grandiosity, like believing she destinies to be the president or has super powers, and she would believe those things quite literally.

I think the best thing you could do for her right now, is to get her baseline emotional level, which right now sounds like it's about a 9-10 on the anxiety scale, by doing some relaxing things. Some good guidelines would be to stay away from the news, social media, tv, people she doesn't like, anything that might be triggering. Do some simple things like talk some long walks if possible, get out of the house as much as you can, go to dinner and movie, maybe go to the mall. This whole process might take days to weeks for her slowly enter a more relaxed state, where her logically al brain can take over and start making some better decisions to help deal with the ADHD.

This is a difficult combo to deal with, and I think you understand that, but I'm glad she has you to help her.

Here are two books I highly recommend
Smart But Stuck: Emotions in Teens and Adults with ADHD https://www.amazon.com/dp/111827928X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_1Z77ybAG4Y3T7

This is one of the newest books that ADHD, it will give you a good understanding of the disorder and also the best treatment strategies.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245131/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_w177ybX2H1TS4

The book is more of a workbook that focuses on behavioral techniques that would be beneficial to anyone suffering with any kind of mental disorder.

Yes, describes me 100%. Here are the things that motivate the ADHD mind:

1. Personal Interest
   
2. Novelty
   
3. Challenge
   
4. Deadlines
   
   See this book: http://www.amazon.com/Your-Better-Using-strategies-adult/dp/1937600432
   
   Most people are motivated by these things, but the important thing is that ADHD people are especially resistant to things that don't fall in these categories. Our brains are wired differently for motivation and reward. This explains why we have such a hard time with certain activities, and why the same activity we did with great enthusiasm last month seems like a dreadful bore today.
   
   Good comments I've heard from therapists and doctors:
   
   I'm going to have issues no matter what kind of job I have.
   My brain is trying to use emotional motivation for things that require more logical motivation. Which is why ADHD is exhausting.
   
   And the best comment, from my wife:
   You just need to change hobbies a lot to be happy, so change hobbies.
   
   Also, I find that context is everything. If I can do work with other people, or if I have a workout partner to drag me to the gym, I can get over that initial motivation barrier.
   
   Medication has helped somewhat, but restructuring my work also helps. See here:
   http://attentiondeficitwhatever.com/2011/11/12/dont-hire-me-ill-hire-you/
   
   And here:
   
   http://attentiondeficitwhatever.com/2011/09/26/i-heart-online-conferences/
   
   Short version: if I can structure most of my work so I have "face time" with other people rather than "alone time," I'll work much better. The more meetings the better.

Here is a helpful resource I have bookmarked. Amazon's top selling books on ADHD http://www.amazon.com/gp/bestsellers/books/598622

I have read all of the books in the top 14 (except the ADHD effect on marriage) and they are all good.

My favorite is More Attention Less deficit: Success strategies for adults with ADHD.

Reasons:

• The book is organized perfectly. Broad chapters with short specific articles. Each article stands on its own and is no longer than a page usually.
  
  
• The corners of the pages are perforated. People with ADHD might not read a book cover to cover so tear off the pages you have read!
  
  
• Covers a bunch of topics and has clear explanations and helpful analogies
  
  Others I recommend are:
  
  Driven to Distraction: THE classic. Really jump-started adult ADHD awareness.
  
  The disorganized mind: While reading this and doing the life inventory I realized I wasn't passionate about computers and instead wanted to help people (I was in tech support). This led me to becoming an ADHD coach. Great book for self-coaching.
  
  You mean I'm not lazy stupid or crazy: Humorous at times and very enlightening. Helps educate ourselves on the various ways ADHD manifests in our lives.
  
  ***
  
  

  Websites to show others:
  

  
  TotallyADD.com - By the makers of the PBS show ADD and Lovin' it this offers a humorous look at ADHD with an excellent blog, forum community, and videos on Youtube.
  
  Youtube clips of Russell Barkley (playlist I created) - 13 videos all under 5 minutes each which are powerful and enlightening.
  
  ***
  
  I have access to nearly every book on ADHD due to my volunteer job and would be glad to start doing quick reviews on various books. I will also complete a Google Doc with my favorite books, fidget toys, and resources to put in the sidebar.
  
  

I'm reading a book at the moment called The Power of Habit that I'm finding really useful. What you're saying really matches up with the science anyway. Every habit we have, good and bad, breaks down into three parts:

Cue------routine---------Reward

In your example, for example:

• cue= "people are depending on me"
  
• Routine = the work you need to do
  
• Reward = paid/some value
  
  During the routine phase, our brains are barely ticking over. Although this is controlled by the Basal Ganglia, which is affected by ADHD. It's responsible for blocking out unnecessary motor functions and the like while engaged in a habit. Which is a part of the reason for the lack of persistence ADHD causes. (pen tapping, anyone?) The other element is the Prefrontal cortex, which kicks in when we need to stop a habit (It's responsible for a lot of other things too). Guess what other area ADHD impairs?
  
  But anyway, the key to any persistent habit is a craving. That can be something as simple as craving for endorphins from exercise, or the craving for approval for a job well done.
  
  Final element is self-control, or 'will power'. It's a finite resource that you can train, like a muscle.
  
  It can also run out, if you're having to exercise it too much. Big part of why things are more difficult towards the end of the day. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with dopamine, but I haven't looked into that yet.
  
  But the element I find fascinating has to do with your first point:
  
  > "People are dependent on me"
  
  This is a double-edged sword. Will power is far easier to exercise when we feel in control. So feeling that your good habits are helping people, that you're having a positive impact by exercising self-control, is great for that. But the one thing I'd caution is not to over do it. I think /u/teenmomog put it really well:
  
  > As soon as it was pointed out to me I would NOT do it.
  
  If you feel that you have to do something because it's expected of you, you're having to exercise far more self-control than if you have a choice. Autonomy is important. It's a fine balance really. As long as you feel you have a choice, things will be a lot easier.
  
  This is really just my opinion based on what I've read, but I feel this explains why the 'last-minute anxiety fuelled frenzy of work' those of us with ADHD often get is quite ineffective. By feeling you have no choice but to work, you're really taxing your self-control and putting yourself through unnecessary stress, for the same amount of work overall. It's far more effective to try and build good study habits than it is to rely on that in my opinion, but YMMV.

Your ex-boyfriend sounds like a jerk. He's clearly not ready for a serious relationship, and that has no reflection on who you are as a person. It was probably easy for him to chock it up to your ADD because you're so worried about it. Either way, if he couldn't deal with who you are, then you should be thankful you're not still with him... that would lead to such a miserable life! A good partner will be patient with you and supportive with what you need help with. I've found that the less I try to hide my ADHD, the more confident I feel. If it's an immediate deal breaker for this guy, then good thing you're finding out now! Get out of that!

In general, just be honest. Try not to conceal stuff about you because you're worried they'll go running. They most likely won't, but if they do, then you're not wasting your time on someone who's not worth it.

From personal experience, I'd say try to meet as many dudes from an online dating community that you can. Go on lots of dates! Then you'll get a lot of dating "practice" and gain confidence. Dating a few people at a time allows you to clearly see whether or not this person is good for you, instead of becoming attached because he's the only guy you're seeing. Doing that allowed me to really see which guy I had real chemistry with, which ones seemed a bit forced, and made it really easy for me to stop seeing men who clearly weren't good for me.

I highly suggest reading this book. Seriously. Buy it now on amazon, even if you don't have time to read it yet so you can have it when you do. It goes into great depths about an extensive amount of issues that women with ADD deal with. It's very empowering. It will probably touch on a lot of issues you aren't even aware are associated with your ADD. It talks about both platonic and romantic relationships, and a bunch of other issues that probably are playing a role in your dating life. Right now I'm having a hard time articulating why I think you should read this book, but I genuinely feel like it will help you a lot. In this aspect and others in your life. (Also, it's written for people with ADD, so it's easy to read and everything's divided into chunks).

No it's fine, I wouldn't have responded if I wasn't ready for questions. It is extremely schedule-oriented, almost annoyingly so. And it might not be that way for everyone. I had to write down journals for weeks about what I did and when I did it and how often/long. That was tricky to stay on top of. I just had to grit my teeth so to speak and make a point to sit down and do it in a context where I wouldn't get anything else to distract me. I had to switch from digital journals to physical ones so I wouldn't end up wandering the internet for hours instead... If I had to guess this is where most people would find the most difficulty. But what we learned is that I am a creature of habit. Routine. My day has to start with me eating and then showering and getting dressed, and doing it out of order or oversleeping and being unable to do so because I might be running late for work really throws me off. I am trying to add physical exercise to the end of my morning routine but it is difficult in my current living situation. I have actually regressed significantly in my own opinion as my roommates are very... unorganized and constantly wish to wrap me into their impromptu plans and aren't really interested in my reasons as to why that doesn't work for me. It has gotten to the point where I am disrupting that neat and needed schedule to avoid them being able to further disrupt me. However, I am going to be living on my own soon and will be able to dictate my own schedule as needed and be the master of my domain. Or at least that is what I am wish to achieve for myself.

And I don't necessarily have to eat the same thing every day or anything like that, but the breakfast and meals need to be similar in the time the take to prepare at the time I elect best to do so. When I was at my peak progress a few months ago my hardest issue was keeping to a consistant sleep schedule and waking up around the same time as I sometimes just can't sleep. But I am actually quite proud of myself as only some nights I have trouble with that as opposed to most nights. I am hoping once I am set up at the new location I can try to allot some time for... meditating, something I have never been capable of. I hope to use the skill of 'clearing my mind' (whatever that means) to facilitate falling asleep more quickly. Sometimes I stay awake for hours because I am not done thing about whatever happens to enter my thoughts- so nothing in particular so much as the gears just don't wind down when I want them to.

But my biggest growth I have made is not giving myself the 3rd Degree if I slip up or something happens. I have always been worried about being lax with myself that I found I might be more critical of myself that what would be considered healthy.

I had go try a few therapists before I found one that worked for me and was interested in my desire to try a non-medicated approach. If you want to try it I have to say that the journals were honestly the hardest part, but once I could view my own habits as data, I made a lot more sense to myself. But for now it is a serious WIP. And know that life happens and you might find yourself in a situation where it is hard to impossible to provide yourself with the environment you need. But do not give up. Persistence is the name of the game.

Kinda ranted a bit but for once I am actually quite tired and I think I will be able to put my head on my pillow and get right to it. I will be happy to answer more questions.

And lastly, consider this book. It is a great tool for understating yourself and relating to others like yourself, without connecting to the internet and risking extreme distraction. But also make time for goofing around because that is healthy too.

I don't want to read through the wall-of-texts responses (though I read most of your post) so I may be repeating what everyone else has said. But I guess if I'm repeating it, then it's important :P

I totally get what you're saying. I'm starting medication after doing a test titration and I too worry if I'm not actually ADHD, but maybe I'm "just lazy" or "undisciplined", or maybe I have another diagnosis, or maybe I DO have ADHD and medicine isn't going to work for me, and... and... and...

I think it's normal to worry, but you have to keep in mind, just because you feel worried or unsure or like you don't have ADHD, that doesn't mean it reflects reality, and likely it doesn't, especially if a pro at ADHD diagnosis thinks you do.

For me it helped to look at symptoms of ADHD and common problems of ADHD (PI especially, which is my diagnosis). Seeing things that never clicked were a problem, because to me they are so normal. It can be hard to tell what's off or not when you've only ever lived in your body, unless the problems are extremely obvious. But the subtle symptoms, that do cause problems, aren't all that obvious. Seeing symptoms that fit me that I never thought about really validated to me that I have ADHD and I remind myself of the symptoms when I start to doubt.

If you want to look at symptoms and you think it may help you too, look online at various sources, but usually they have the same 9-20 symptoms, which can fit you, but it helps to see a lot of symptoms, fi you really need the validation. For that I suggest [Taking Charge of Adult ADHD] (http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372882376&sr=8-1&keywords=taking+charge+of+adult+adhd) by Russel Barkley (he's one of the leading experts on attention disorders in north america). Also there are some videos of his lectures that he gives to organizations and such on youtube, and I've found those generally helpful and very informative and I highly recommend them.

Also remember, just because you don't have a specific symptom that a lot of other ADHD people have (like slow processing) that doesn't mean you don't have ADHD. There is a reason that you don't have to have all of the symptoms to get a diagnosis, but a certain number, because ADHD looks different in every person.

If Ritalin didn't work for you that just means ritalin doesn't work for you. Everyone responds differently. For some people Aderral makes them a zombie, for others it makes thinks click. Vyvanse is terrible for some people, and for others it makes them feel capable for once in their life. Ritalin may not work for you, but another medicine may be awesome. It's often trial and error of doses and different medications for people.

Dythimia can cause similar symptoms, but if the person that diagnosed you ADHD knew about that, they would have taken it into consideration. If you are still concerned, make sure to bring your worries up with them, as to whether it could all be dysthimia or not. But if someone who is extremely skilled in ADHD diagnosis thinks you have ADHD, chances are pretty slim that you aren't (though possible, but again not likely, so err on the side of you being ADHD, if that makes sense). Personally the way you describe stuff does sound ADHD and some of it doesn't sound like just dysthimia (but again I'm not professional).

I can't really pinpoint too many occasions in my past of ADHD affecting my performance (especially because I have bipolar 2 disorder, so I was depressed a lot in my adolescence and teenage years so that tangles things up). I don't think that's necessairly uncommon. Another thing is that there are a lot of cases of women having ADHD that wasn't noticed as a kid. Part of it is that ADHD is seen as a boy disorder, so teachers will be less likely to think a girl has ADHD. Another important factor is that girls more often have the PI type of ADHD, and that by default is often not nearly as obvious as the hyper type of ADHD. You'll be much more likely to notice the kid running around class blurting out answers and having trouble controlling emotions as compared to the kid who is quiet, daydreamy, and has trouble focusing. It just doesn't grab your attention as much.

Ok, I'm writing a book, sorry, i'll stop here lol. (My ADHD makes it really hard to be succinct :P)

tl;dr: If you are worried about your symptoms make sure to bring it up with your doc. A lot of ppl worry about whether they aren't ADHD but if an ADHD expert says you are ADHD chances are very likely you are ADHD. Also you have to give treatment time. Medications work differently for everyone so you may have to switch doses and medication. And this is a problem people have had for their entire life. It takes time to figure it out and learn how to cope with it, medicine wise and in other strategies. Best of luck!

edit: oh and yeah I do the obsess for a week thing and then give up. I'm not sure if it's a symptom of ADHD but I wouldn't be surprised. Novel things are exciting (and thus easier for ADHDers to summon the energy to work on it) but when they are less exciting, though rewarding, it gets harder to start it and to continue with it. I'm hoping for myself medication will help me to keep up with things I enjoy and keep doing them, and complete projects.

I got back on adderall about 10 months ago, and think I've just about got the dosage right. When I decided to go back on medication I did some research on managing things better than the last couple times I've been on meds.
The most important thing I took away from the research was that medication won't do everything. You need to figure out some plan for managing your time/tasks, and the medication will make it easier to stick to it.

Paying attention for the whole lecture is a reasonable expectation, but working hours straight without a break is probably not. You should plan breaks, but limit the length of them. That way when you get distracted and find yourself on reddit or something, you can get yourself off after 10 minutes, and not beat yourself up about losing your focus.
I really got a lot out of The Now Habit, as far as techniques for getting things completed.

Wow, this is a lot longer than I expected.

There are plugins you can get for firefox and chrome that will limit the amount of time you can spend browsing: 10 minutes an hour, 30 minutes every 6 hours, whatever you want. Chrome Nanny is pretty versatile.

The best trick I've come up with to stay focused is to convince myself that I am genuinely interested in what I'm doing. Ask yourself questions about the paragraph you just read. Paraphrase what the professor just explained, look at a problem and think of what would happen if one part was different, and remind yourself regularly that you are doing something you like for your own good.
One of the aspects of ADD/ADHD is the reward centers in our brains work differently than other people, so we have to find our own ways to motivate ourselves.

I'm losing coherence, but I want to recommend you read Driven to Distraction, it will teach you a lot about how ADD/ADHD work. Also, if you think you'll have a hard time sitting a reading a bunch, you can find a lot of stuff on audiobook and listen to it while driving/walking/running/cleaning/whatever.

Hope this helps

I definitely had ADD when I went, I've had it my entire life, but because I lack the 'hyperactive' part, no one would believe me when I said I thought I had it. After reading a bunch of books on the topic, every little thing kept clicking - from my over active imagination, teachers comments on 'she's smart, she just doesn't apply herself,' my dabbling in drug in college...everything! I remember asking my mom in my sophomore year of high school to take me to get tested for ADD but she didn't think I needed to, I just 'needed to study.' I can't help but wonder these days had she listened and took me to the psychologist back then how much differently my life would've been and my career.

To determine if I had ADD, basically I went to the doctor and explained why I thought I had it, and she then recommended a therapist to talk to which I did for about 3 months before I was actually prescribed Vyvanse, and it was another 2 months before we got the dosage right. They made me take some little tests, but mostly it was reading books and telling them what I learned about myself.

I highly recommend you check out "Driven to Distraction" by Halowell - it was the book my therapist told me to check out and after I read it I think I had highlighed like, every line of the book. It was a great determining factor in getting the help I actually needed.

Like I said before, part of getting help is helping yourself and not letting your ADD rule you - which, trust me, I understand is much easier said than done. I have worse days than others where my ADD is almost unmanageable, but I don't let it define who I am or the quality of the work. I just understand it is something about myself that I don't necessarily have control over, and may never have control over, but as long as I accept that, I think I have found a little bit of happiness from it.

I literally read this passage this morning

>An important, and often overlooked part of both learning disabilities and ADD is the social consequence of having them. ADD can interfere with one's interpersonal life just as dramatically as it does with one's academic or job performance. To make friends, you have to be able to pay attention. To get along in a group, you have to be able to follow what is being said in the group. Social cues are often subtle: the narrowing of eyes, the raising of eyebrows, a slight change in tone of voice, a tilting of the head. Often the person with ADD doesn't pick up on these cues. This can lead to real social gaffes or a general sense of being out of it. Particularly in childhood, where social transactions happen so rapidly and the transgressor of norms is dealt with so pitilessly, a lapse in social awareness due to the distractibility or impulsivity of ADD can preclude acceptance by a group or deny understanding from a friend.^1

You're in high school right? high school is a difficult time to be introverted, because everyone demands you live your life a certain way and act a certain way, and anything else makes you an outcast. Get through it. It is difficult, but life isn't like high school. In the real world you won't be interacting only with people within 2 years of your age. you won't be interacting only with people who want to go do things or judge people all the time. There are lots of types of people out there and high school is not a good slice of them. Get through high school, and head to the rest of your life.

It took me a while to realize that being an introvert is fine. Mostly because my fiance is one too. We sat down one day and both said "It's annoying that everyone wants to do things with us, why can't we just be alone with ourselves?". we are both introverts, and we enjoy it this way. Other people may not understand it, but we have fun, we enjoy life, and we have friends. we just don't need to jump every time someone mentions a movie or thing. We just don't need people the way other people do. It is hard to accept, but we came to understand it and are happy with it. It is hard for other people to accept, but we don't really care about that anymore. WE are happy, and that's all that matters.


^1 Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell, MD and John J Ratey MD^2: i'm only a chapter in and its a great book. find it and read it.^3

^2 The authors are psychologists and also live with ADD (at least one does, I haven't gotten very far). But they are considered the defining accessible sources on living with ADD.

^3 If you can't focus on a book like this very well, get Answers to Distraction this one is made in a FAQ format in smaller pieces.

> What was it like to go your whole childhood not knowing you thought differently than some people only to find out in your 20s or 30s that you did?

Well, I didnt know that I was different. Looking back - I absolutely was. I just thought 'this is life' and thought everyone was like that.

I was lucky that my parents (who, especially my mum, have the opposite of ADHD) set a strict structure. On Saturday we could tell what we would eat the rest of the week. Dinner always on the same time (on the minute almost). There was much freedom next to that, but they gave me the basic organisation and structure, because they are like that themselves.

Next to that, my high school was very structured as well. I had continious days that we spend in a space to do homework etc (hard to explain in a few sentences - it was a good system).

I was chaotic, but was lucky enough to grow up in a very organized environment. I could kinda laugh about my chaoticness. That was me! And I got legitimately good grades so zero issues here either.

I didnt realise how much I take structure from people. Walking around by myself I am stressed out - with someone else I am perfectly fine. I am quite inactive - but I will join others.

I was also lucky here that ADHD doesnt hinder me socially. I can have completely normal conversations. I dont interrupt, I am not tactless, I rarely ever have arguments (and the one time I had one people still remember hahah). I do speak fast, but articulate clearly. I only have trouble staying in touch with people, but having groups of people helps here.

So I thought: I enjoy being around people!

And I do! But I never ever realized how much I needed them, to tag along. To follow their schedules and structures and organization. To have the constant social pressure to do things. How much I relied upon them for my self worth, in a truly unhealthy manner.

My struggle is that I am/was very 'hypoactive' - much trouble making from a thought an action when there is no instant reward. Procatination, inability to start things! Why brushing teeth? Cleaning room? Why start an essay now? No instant reward - so I dont do it (I obv rationally know the answer ;). People watching indirectly gave a 'reward' - meeting their expectations (everyone opens their book to study - me too!) / no one critiquing me (you should brush your teeth!) (I cant handle critique). And I am impulsive - yet not risktaking - for things with instant rewards. Hyper, but internalized. As a kid, I would put on and of my shoes with my feet constantly at school - bothered no one. I make 'micromovements' - small movements of my fingers, toes, muscles in legs and stomach. This way I create 'patterns' both with and without the outside world. (it doesnt make sense at all haha) Inattentive - I always miss exits etc. I cant set structure for myself - therefore I tagged along with people as well (pure need here, nothing to do with 'rewards'). If I dont know exactly what to do, I have no overview, I cannot create it, feel lost and do nothing. Trouble starting everything, untill the deadline is there. If someone tells me: do A, B, C about topic X, I will do it. Even if I find it and, legitimately is, boring. If it is: do something with X, I am lost, lost. And end up doing nothing.

How more freedom I get, the more I struggle.

(I think I would have done well in a commune orso! Everything together always!)

So, yeah, at Uni I got much more freedom and it went wrong. Loads of stress to get through it - but viewed it as normal. Everyone was stressed! Looking back, really could not get out of it what I wanted. Could not pinpoint the cause. But I did start to realise something 'was wrong' with me. But I never looked into it. Cause what should I look into exactly? I didnt know, and no reward, so I did nothing. Final thesis I couldnt struggle through it anymore.

I didnt realise how much I relied on people to A) set structure and B) 'reward' me (and unrelated to ADHD: C) for my self esteem). I didnt understand why I couldnt do it - what was wrong? I did realise that what was wrong had always been there, it was not new. Just bigger. And I didnt get how I had ever dealt with it. I was paralyzed to ask for help - because A) requires action with B) not just 'no reward', but negativety! Critique! And I couldnt deal with that - at all. I was always busy doing what I thought people wanted, because I needed the reward. I was pretty good at it! But I also never learned to deal with critique. Or how to ask for help. Cause than I had to show what I was always hiding: the chaos I was in. My inactivity when I was alone. My procastination.
(Edit 2: perhaps more fear of rejection ? !)

I felt shame, shame, shame and guilt. It is/was crippling me, severely. In a way more than ADHD itself.

In the end, but it took loonnggggg, I couldnt escape it anymore. I had to come clear. I hated it. And to my surprise (although I should probably rationally have known it!) the people close around me helped me. Supported me. Weren't angry. Were instead worried. (I still have to go to the Uni though.) I am still tearing up typing this. And it made me realize that so many people care so much about me and want to support me.

What made me realize that I have trouble with self-accepting. And actually a too low self esteem, that is too much based on the validation of people. But also so lucky that I have those people!

It also made me question: for who do I do things? What do I like? Who the hell am I? Now typing this out this sounds very desperate hahah and thank god it doesnt feel that severely - I do in general know what I want and like. But I should really learn to take care of myself for me. To activily do/read/make things alone because I like them.

Went to a psychologist, didnt help at all. I didnt know the cause, and she didnt get it out of me.

Had talks with parents, in which I said 'I do everything from chaos. And I was able to just get enough out of it to paint a picture to the outside world. And I have always done that, but I cant anymore'

They came up with ADD, and, well, that was me. Not everything, but a l o t. Especially the concept of the secret life of girls with adhd (mostly the concept though - I dont selfharm/am not addicted/and I am social) The book women with ADD, from Sari Solden, was like my diary. This was me. I cry a lot with each chapter (so I havent finished it yet - maybe things appear that are less me) because it is so confrontational reading my life back - I realised how hard things had been for me, and that apparently wasnt normal. How I had struggled. How I had ploughed through everything. Without ever asking help. How I had shame and guilt internalized to the very max.

I got tested a week ago and I have it. The medicines help, they really do. They give me self-control. I am not perfect in any sense - but they do give me control over myself. I now do things without reward immediately, just, wow. WOW! I had no idea. It activates me and at the same time gives me peace, limits my internalized hyperactiveness and impulsives. The 'rewards' people give, I dont need anymore. I can do things for myself solely, without stress. I can walk around alone! What a life do non ADHD people have ;) It is both a revelation and a liberation.

I still have a long way to go. Sometimes I feel intense sadness/grief. About ADHD, but also about secondary things that it caused/were in me (low self-esteem, shame, guilt, self accepting). And sometimes intense happiness! I have finally identified the problems I have! And I immediately have gotten tools to work on them! I am excited to continue this journey. To get myself on the rails and discovering myself more. I think I will be able to express myself more, for me, in actions. Become more independent. I am seeing a lot to get through still, but I got tools how to do it, there is a solution, the future is now bright.

Edit: didnt realise it was such a long read! And sometime slightly repetitive. But it helped me to write it down :)

Edit 2: I just looked up the top post and wow, that is basically what I was trying to explain! This is the description! and this is the link to the article

"You can do anything, but not everything." - David Allen

I'm also battling Martha-Stewart-level expectations. And it turns out I'm terrible at predicting what's going to make me happy, or how long it's going to take me, or how hard it'll be to master.

Here are some things that helped me pare it down:

1. This video about the Eisenhower Matrix. A simple exercise to help find your priorities.
   
   
2. This book by Marie Kondo about decluttering your space and your life.The whole process was great, but she’s got a bit towards the beginning about visualizing the life you want to have. It’s lovely.
   
   
3. This blog series about de-stashing from the super smart, super talented multi-craft blogger at The Craft Sessions.
   
   
   

Parenting is a full-time job!! It boggles my mind that a stay at home parent with a child that needs pretty much constant attention (i.e. isn't yet autonomous enough to entertain themselves or be left alone safely for very long) is expected to cook, clean, and otherwise maintain the household flawlessly on top of that! I see that pattern quite a bit on /r/relationships!

I got a lot of value out of this book. Its value is limited to me at this time since I'm a recent grad living at home, but it has some great tips for organizing from someone who really seems to "get" ADHD - she doesn't have it but has worked with a lot of people who do. Most of it boils down to making things as easy as possible: e.g. reducing your cookware to minimize the stacking and nesting that can occur in cupboards and on shelves, not using separate laundry hampers and baskets, ways to prevent paper piles from building up around the house, stuff like that. Cutting down on those "intermediate steps" is a big focus. She covers every room and includes tips for laundry and handling kids' toys/laundry/room as well. It's something I am going to refer to periodically and IMO it would be helpful for any busy household where time for "picking up" is in short supply, really.

Plus the book is made to be easy to read with little highlighted "post its" throughout with main ideas and tips. I think she even warns you in the intro to not try to read the entire book in one sitting and then try to change everything at once, haha.

For your organisational problems I'd suggest reading Susan C. Pinsky's book on organising for people with adhd. She's got a ton of different tricks and tips, like either getting clear boxes or doing away with boxes so you can actually see what items are where.

It's helped me a lot with seeing that just because something is usually done a certain way it doesn't mean that's the best way to do it (certainly if you're neurodivergent). Not all of her advice will be helpful, but I've found most of it relevant to me specifically, or at least interesting to think about.

​

As for automation, I've found it helps to use apps for certain things like cooking. I use mealime for that, it lets me choose a weekplan for meals, then gives me all the groceries I need and the cooking instructions are step by step.

I'm not really in a position where a robot vacuum is feasible, but I did get a stick vacuum that makes much less noise than my old one, which makes it easier to keep my room clean because I don't hate vacuuming as much.

Luckily bills are mostly automated here, and if they aren't I can set it up. It helps a ton!

To add on to the excellent advise above:

1. Work out in the morning. In the very least this will provide you with a temporary boost of dopamine. Weight training, long distance running, and cycling (amongst other activities) are all good at helping with this.
   
   
2. There are non-prescription supplements that can help with ADHD, but depending on your situation you may not be able to get them. Check over at /r/nootropics for help with Piracetam and Choline. (Nootropics are supplements that help improve brain function) IIRC one of the members there runs an online store, see if you can work something out. On that note, many of the online nootropics stores are small time operations run by nice friendly people, try getting in contact with someone directly. Bulk nootropics (in powder form) are relatively cheap.
   
   
3. Get a hold of Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Barkley. It is a step by step system to helping organize your life and accomplishing your goals. If you follow it, you will improve.
   
   
   
   

First, know that what your girlfriend is feeling and expressing to you is valid. What she is saying is extremely normal for a neurotypical person to say. Much of our ADHD behavior comes off as being rude or careless.

If I can guess, since you are about 6 months in, she's probably dealing with you becoming more distant. In the beginning, people with ADHD can overload a partner with love and romance and emotions. But then it dwindles. We get bored of it. We aren't bored of the person, but we are bored of the whole humdrum of romancing someone. So to the other person we seem detached or like we don't care anymore. This is usually the moment where relationships start having problems.

I kept having relationships with guys who seemed to suddenly, at about 4-6 months in, just not like me anymore. They'd start complaining about my behavior in ways they never did before. Suddenly I'm too messy. Or too loud. Or too chaotic. So, I'd end the relationship. I'd say "well you just don't like me anymore I guess."

So. There's a lot to unpack in your post. I'm going to try to break it up into easy bullets:

1.) If your girlfriend expects you to remember something important, she needs to see you write it down, put it in a calendar, etc. None of this "hey can you do the dishes later". You will say yes probably without even hearing her. She needs to tell you important things in a way that might seem condescending, but it's just how our brains work. What does she want you to do? When does she want you to do it? How does she want you to do it?

2.) The honesty thing is probably her offended that you say whatever is on your mind. This is on her to tackle IN THE MOMENT. As soon as you say something she thinks is "too honest" she has to say so and you need to talk about it. I'm terrible at stopping my impulse to say things and I often end up criticizing my boyfriend without meaning to. One time me loudly complaining "OMG THERES WAY TOO MANY ONIONS IN THIS" turned into a fight that almost ended our relationship. And tbh there weren't that many onions. I just got a lot of onions in a bite and my brain was like "say this thing and make your partner feel bad!!" Again, this is something that has to be dealt with as it happens. It's no use bringing it up later because you'll be like "I never said that." And she will want to slap you.

3.) Your intentions don't really matter. Maybe you don't intend to be mean or disrespectful but the fact is, to HER you are being mean. And neurotypical people would file that info away and not do that thing next time. With ADHD we might store that info but we don't use it when we need it. We keep doing it. And to our partners that seems careless. SO you need to figure out a solution. Maybe it's a look in public or a touch on your shoulder. Your girlfriend is probably way more aware of how you appear to others in social situations than you do. Use her normal brain to your advantage.

4.) Instead of just saying "sorry it's the ADHD, can't do anything about it until I get a dosage increase", try something like this: "Sorry, that was rude of me (or inconsiderate, whatever). The ADHD makes it difficult for me to [whatever behavior] but I am working on improving that. Can you help me figure out a way to stop doing that in the future?"

Also, SHE needs to 1) accept that you have ADHD and that your diagnosis is valid and 2) accept that you are not your diagnosis and know how ADHD affects behavior by reading books or videos, etc.

There are people who definitely do use ADHD as an excuse for shitty behavior. Me having ADHD doesn't give me the right to continue to say rude things to my boyfriend. But the success of your relationship will rely on both of you understanding how the ADHD affects you, her, and the relationship. Is it worth all that work? That's for you to decide. I personally see my partner as a HUGE help in my life. But it took a long time for him to understand me and my ADHD.

Some books that are helpful:

Is it you me or adult add

Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD

AND if you still have difficulties, a therapist who has experience with adult ADHD and relationships will be a god send. Good luck!!

Are you getting any treatment aside from medication? If not you might want to combine your medication with ADHD therapy/coaching and/or focus on developing coping skills.

There's this mindfulness for ADHD workbook and also this Cognitive Behavioral Therpay for ADHD workbook. I haven't used them but they look like they might be useful.

The book 4 Weeks to an Organized Life with AD/HD was very helpful to me when I read it several years ago. The second half of the book is a 4 Week program that gives one simple task a day to help build skills to cope with ADHD (you don't have to read the first half of the book, you can just do the program). If you choose to do this, you might want to ask someone to help remind you to do the daily exercises and be your accountability buddy.

As far as reading goes, I find that writing a paragraph summarizing what I read right after reading helps me to stay interested in what I'm reading. I would guess it might help with other hobbies too.

I had no idea that I had ADHD in college, just that I could not make my life work when I got there.

What made me succeed is that I ended up in a major where my professors were more like mentors: creative writing. If I hadn't found that I probably would have dropped out. In retrospect I always succeeded best when I had a mentor or good coach.

I'm an English professor today, so it stuck. (And no, I'm not judging anyone's grammar.)

Anyway, the book Delivered From Distraction http://amzn.com/0345442318 has a chapter on preparing for college with ADHD. Here's the quote about mentoring:

>Research done by Richard Light at Harvard shows that one of the key determinants of a successful undergraduate career at any college or university is the student’s finding a senior faculty member she can make a close, mentoring relationship with. Doing this requires luck or boldness or both. . . . Especially if a student has ADD, it is also important that someone at home—a parent, other relative, former coach, someone—remains closely involved, keeping tabs on what is going on at college day in and day out.

>Ratey Md, John J.; Hallowell, Edward M. Md (2005-12-27). Delivered from Distraction (Kindle Locations 3674-3679). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

I was more on the "luck" side. I was good at writing, and the creative writing faculty created a strong community there. I stuck around for the an MFA as well.

A book I really liked was "ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your life": http://www.amazon.com/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1583913580 .

Don't let the name fool you. There are definitely parts about, say, how to organize clothes or a room--but there is a HUGE amount of great ADHD-specific info in there about time, your life, relationships, setting up schedules, how to cope, etc. One of the things I love about it is it has multiple levels of help--self, from others, from a professional--and genuinely grasps ADHD, so you won't find any shit like "Set aside three hours every week to sit and organize your papers alphabetically before filing them in a color coded system!", much more stuff like "Have a small box you put stuff in for mail, when it gets full, that's the trigger to deal with it", etc.

I also just found it really great for a lot of its explanations of ADHD and the brain and the interactions of that with real life, etc.

I would recommend Edward Hallowell's [Delivered from Distraction] (http://www.amazon.com/Delivered-Distraction-Getting-Attention-Disorder/dp/0345442318/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331533794&sr=8-1). There isn't a named, comprehensive therapy that "treats" ADHD. ADHD has a structural basis and therefore you will never be "normal". What is so great about this book is that he focuses on identifying personal strengths and building your life around them, and owning your own weaknesses rather than trying desperately to make up for something that is written into your DNA. He brings in elements of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is useful for psychological issues especially but helps retrain your brain. He also mentions (although not by name) elements of dialectical behavior therapy, which was designed as a treatment for borderline personality disorder but focuses on concepts of present-mindedness and emotional regulation that are helpful for disregulated minds.

My experience with therapists has been that the majority of them have a surprisingly uneducated understanding of what ADHD is, and what goes on "under the surface" of the easily identifiable symptoms. They generally understand that your attention and organization are out of your control, but my experience has been that their suggestions for techniques to manage the symptoms come very much from the cultural mandate that you just "try a little harder" and things get better. I have never had a therapist who understood that there are some things that don't work and some idiosyncrasies with the therapeutic treatment plan for those with ADHD. That said, I think that the best thing you can do for yourself is research ADHD and form a solid understanding of what really works for you. With that knowledge you will open up the possibility of working with a therapist that you get along with, even if he or she doesn't specialize in ADHD. If you can take the lead establishing guidelines for treatment, then they can probably help you stick to it.

I'm in my 40s. I didn't self diagnose until my mid 30s, until then I was that guy that graduated high school with a .08 (not a typo), but got a full ride scholarship to a local college for my ACT scores. I knew the material, I simply couldn't do the work. (it took me 20 years to realize that word "couldn't" wasn't "wouldn't") I dropped out after 5 months.

If I had a friend or support like you back then, letting me know I'm not a failure by nature, I can only imagine how my life would be different now. Don't get me wrong, I've been lucky, I was able to forge a career as a consultant because of my hobbies (IT), but not everyone else has that opportunity.

Understanding is key. The book "I'm not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid" was my saving grace.

*EDIT: That book is not a recommendation, it's outdated for today's standard.

> I personally lean towards Dr. Hallowell's perspective because I've found it more helpful in my day-to-day life

Yeah I think I agree - I think Barkley's stuff is phenomenal for explaining the validity of ADHD as a condition/disorder/disability/etc and explaining why and how it's not just an matter of discipline or laziness or know-how. Hallowell's stuff is great because it includes that but, like you said, helps with the daily management and I find it helps me feel validated and stay a little more hopeful.

I do have Barkley's book on managing adult ADHD on my reading list though so I'm very curious to see how it compares to Hallowell's practitioner approach.

I was diagnosed at age 32 myself. At first, I felt a combination of emotions. First, there was relief that there was a name for what I'd been dealing with. This was then followed by feeling like I was somehow defective. Another guy at church recommended a book to me, and I want to recommend it to you. Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception by Thom Hartmann!. It helped me see that I'm not defective but wired differently.

Another great book that I browsed was Driven to Distraction by Ed Hallowell!.

For me, meds just help turn down the static and are part of a wholistic approach to taking care of myself. I have noticed, as you shared, that I seem to get more done when I not only remember to take my meds but also am getting enough sleep, eating the right kinds of foods, and getting exercise.

Welcome to the world of Hunters! :)

Taking Charge of Adult ADHD

Unfortunately, there isn't an audiobook version of this book. Fortunately, that's ok because there are spaces in the book you should really write in answers. It's highly skimmable and written for the ADHD reader. It's a must-read. Seriously. And it's by our favorite person in the universe, Dr. Barkley.


How my life has improved thanks to suggestions in this book (disclaimer: the meds help--if you're not on meds the book will help you think about that decision and provide guidance):

• I understand how non-verbal working memory and verbal working memory affect my ability to live normally, and have learned techniques to compensate
  
• I understand how normal minds think better and can better communicate to my girlfriend and others that certain things they think naturally have to be a concerted effort for me
  
• I brush my teeth every morning and night because I have a sticky note reminding me to think of it as "preventing gum disease"
  
• I wash my hands every time I use the bathroom because I found a way to make it not excruciatingly boring
  
• I take the trash out before it's too full because I put up a picture of a trash bag breaking apart at the bottom and spewing garbage everywhere
  
• I don't forget things when I leave the house because I put sticky notes on the door
  
• I walk my dog twice a day because I have a sticky note reminding me to consider the consequences of skipping a walk
  
• Before turning on the TV I stop and think about whether I should be doing that
  
• I'm working on a technique to shut up and think before I speak
  
• I don't dread going to social events because I have a reminder on my door to stop and visualize what I enjoyed at the last social event like it
  
• Every failure is now an honest learning experience because I know how to break it down (even better, it's constructive! I know what I can actually do better when pre-diagnosis me would just think I'll have to try harder next time)

Can I recommend you watch a webinar that is free for the next 24 hours. It is about this very subject, what to do when a family member has ADHD. It is a webinar that is done by one of the leading ADHD experts (we have other videos by him in the wiki and sidebar) but right now there is a free ADHD webconference where they are airing videos from 36 ADHD experts live and for free for 24 hours after the live video and right now this ADHD expert, Dr. Barkley who just written a book on this subject is airing his video.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/5t4tl3/dr_barkley_live_webinar_right_now_and_can_also_be/

Note this ADHD expert has written over 200 scientific journal articles on ADHD.

He also recommends (and I have read this book too and it is great). This book

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder Paperback – August 31, 2008

Links to Amazon

Note I can share many other good videos by him and others but this one is free only for a limited time and thus I recommend watching it today or tonight.

Good luck... I hope you are able to get appropriate diagnosis and treatment!

If you are not, that doesn't necessarily mean you can't get any help... here are a few things that can still be helpful:

• Exercise. Intense enough to raise your heart rate and make your sweat. Not as effective as meds, but it does help, and it's available to anyone no doctor required.
  
• Cognitive behavioral therapy. If you can't find someone in your country who can do CBT for ADHD, you can do it from a workbook like The Adult ADHD Toolkit. You can get this book and others like it without a doctor.
  
• Provigil/modafinil. A very common treatment for daytime sleepiness, but studies have shown it to also be a successful off-label treatment for ADHD. Not a controlled substance in most countries, so it may be easier to convince a doctor to let you have this than other ADHD meds.

The different types of ADHD medications work differently, and ADHD can come about by several different mechanisms. As such, if Ritalin isn't working, it could be worth trying a different medication.

Also, diet, sleep, overall stress, and overall health can play a big role in not only how bad your symptoms are, but how well some of these medications work. Other medications can also interfere or interact.

Many people also opt to not use medication, either because their ADHD is controllable without it, or the medications just aren't tolerable for other reasons.

That being said, some generic are also just better quality than others. I've certainly felt differences.

I'd say - listen to your body if this medication isn't working for you, and demand that your doctors take your concerns seriously (you don't need to wait the full month between appointments - I've set up emergency appointments after a week when it was clear my new Rx was causing problems), but don't give up on your diagnosis just yet. I know how frustrating it can be to try a bunch of medications that don't work or make matters worse, meanwhile life still needs to go on around you. It's very hard. Do your best to educate yourself on how these drugs work and what other drugs are out there. Perhaps Adderall, a nonstimulant drug, a anti-depressants, or a big green vitamin smoothie and a jog every morning, will be better for you. We're all different :)

I can recommend a great book, if you're interested:

https://www.amazon.com/Adult-ADHD-Tool-Kit-Facilitate/dp/0415815894/ref=mt_paperback?_encoding=UTF8&me=

Have you worked with a doctor or therapist on treatment/coping?

I don't know your gender, background, work, location etc, but I have found a lot of great information in books/article.

This is a great book for anyone which helps with organization. Being better organized in general might help raise your threshold when dealing with social situations if you haven't used up you 'stimulus bank' on a chaotic environment.

This is a great book for women with ADHD. It's changing my life.

One of the most important things I'm learning is how a lifetime of not living up to expectations (of myself, society, family etc) has led me to develop a lot of intense feelings of guilt and shame. I am working on reversing that and forgiving myself when I do make mistake or reach the point of overs-stimulation.

Finally, with work, again depending on your location, you may be able to request reasonable accommodation. The caveat here is that you'll need a medical diagnosis.

No problem, that's what this subreddit is all about. :)

What you described it exactly how I feel without medication. I was diagnosed 3 months ago, and started on 15mg of Adderall XR, which was quickly bumped up to 20mg. I still have good days and bad days, but I made HUGE progress right off the bat with the right medication.

From what I understand, chemically there are two general types of stimulant medication for ADHD: Adderall/Vyvanse and Ritalin/Concerta. If Vyvanse didn't work for you, consider talking to your doctor about moving to either Ritalin or Concerta. But again, everyone is different, so even the minor differences between Adderall and Vyvanse could impact treatment.

Also, to really get on top of this you should consider talk therapy, which has certainly helped me in conjunction with the medication. Also, look into reading up on the subject. I've only read Driven to Distraction but it helped me feel more confident in my diagnosis, understand what's going on neurologically, and learn some great coping strategies (putting every single thing on a to-do list seems to be the #1 coping strategy for adults with ADHD).

Obviously you know no one here can diagnose you for sure. Only doctors can. But to me at least it definitely sounds like you do have it.

Without medication it certainly is harder to treat your ADHD but you still can. First thing is, in order to be able to treat your ADHD, you have to first understand it. You should grab something like Ed Hallowell’s book Delivered From Distraction. There’s actually an in depth self assessment in there in one of the earlier chapters!

He’s got a lot of great advice on how many ADHDers successfully manage their symptoms!

But know: it can be hard work figuring out how to balance your life with ADHD even if you are medicated. It’s the trouble of actually acting on those wonderful plans you probably will make.

So, transformation doesn't happen over night. It takes some time to learn the skills, and more time to use them consistently and more time to learn to come back to them when you stop using them. Support is always helpful, but it shouldn't feel like baby sitting.
You might want to look into getting an ADHD life coach as a primary means of support as you learn to work with the diagnosis and getting your life on track like you want it to be.

Also, there are many many many many resources and ideas, and tricks and tips that can help out with your ADHD out there. Some that I personally have found helpful: The 5 Second Rule, The Pomodoro Technique, Getting Things Done, Mindfulness Meditation, The Bullet Journal, Exercise, The Power of Habit, Xcards, Noise Cancelling Ear Phones, a solid morning routine, and more I can't think of off the top of my head. You can pick and choose what seems most helpful at the moment, and there are many other ideas always floating around /r/adhd as well.

I’m almost 35, and have been considering getting a diagnosis for a couple years now. I know that almost every year of elementary and middle school my teachers encouraged my parents to get me evaluated, but my parents didn’t want me medicated so it never happened. My wife’s degree is in elementary education and she says it’s obvious from my family movies, and my current issues, that I probably have ADHD or am high functioning ASD.

I constantly wonder if there is a medicinal treatment that would help me, but haven’t gotten around to seeing a doctor.

All that to say. I can totally see where you are coming from. If you saw a doctor as an adult, and they diagnosed you with ADHD then go with it. If you’re feeling better with your prescribed stimulant then keep taking it.

I thought this book was really good, and might help you and your husband to get a better grasp on what you’re going through.

[This book](The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD: An 8-Step Program for Strengthening Attention, Managing Emotions, and Achieving Your Goals https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590308476/ref=cm_sw_r_other_awd_Mn8AwbT4BB9PQ) got me started. It comes with a CD with guided meditations on it too. It's a really great intro to mindfulness and meditation. It's been breakthrough for me in my battle for mental health. Therefore I am compelled to help others experience its benefits too. I highly recommend getting that book. It's really helpful to have a firm grasp of what you're going for. A lot of people get discouraged when first trying meditation because they do not. Also check out r/mindfulness. Let me know if I can help any further. I love helping!

It's called "Taking Charge of Adult ADHD" by Russell A. Barkley, PhD, 2010. It was just something I found at my local library, but it's pretty good, actually. The format is very ADHD-friendly. It touches on all aspects of ADHD:

• getting tested.
  
• medication.
  
• understanding and changing your mindset (I guess CBT)
  
• life hacks.
  
• education and careers.
  
  And best of all, like any book, it's less distracting than an article on the internet because...no internet.
  
  If you're willing to spend money on a book, my aunt who's a special ed teacher recommended books by Kathleen Nadeau. Always look at reviews before purchasing.

I used to be the same way. One thing that I did was I would go to the store to look at what i wanted to buy. I would pick up that item, try it out, whatever, and then put it back and walk out. In a way it was like throwing a wrench in the feedback loop of buy, feel good, repeat. I did this for a month or so and it really did help with the impulsivity.

Another thing that I do is I will set aside money every month that I can blow on whatever, guilt-free. Or, I could make the decision to save it and accumulate for another month.

Really, I think its about replacing habits with other habits that are healthier. Having ADHD makes us kind of myopic in a sense that we tend to focus on our habits without thinking about the repercussions or why we do them.

I recommend "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg: http://www.amazon.com/dp/081298160X
Or, im sure you could find a summary of it somewhere online.

Best of luck!

One thing I find helpful is to wear a pair of Uvex SCT-Orange safety glasses. Those are what dentists use to protect themselves from the blue and ultraviolet light in their filling cure tools. There are lots of far more expensive products that are intended to do the same thing, but these safety glasses do a better job and are cheap as dirt.

Blue light is how your body determines whether it is day or night. Electronic screens like a laptop or phone emit a LOT of blue light due to the way they are color balanced. Wearing those an hour before bed helps me relax, because my brain has time to realize that no blue light = time to sleep. There is a program you can install on your computer called f.lux which tints you screen to accomplish the same thing.

Of course, being ADHD I am very very inconsistent in using these tools myself hah.... But at least I have them available!!

The ADHD Effect on Marriage is usually highly recommended.

I also recommend Married to Distraction.

Good luck on your marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and he wasn't diagnosed until 7-8 months ago. This is definitely not one of those things where your marriage will make it because you love each other so much. You have to work, and I mean seriously work your ass off for it. At least, that's been my experience. Don't be afraid to go to counseling, either. And when it comes to your fiance getting organized and trying to get things together, it has to be his own system. You can't create a system of organization for him. It has to come from his own head. I tried several different ways to help my husband get organized, and not a single one of them worked.

And one important aspect is that he needs to realize how important it is to you for him to try to get organized and stay on track. This is probably an unpopular opinion here, but ADHD is no excuse for not putting effort into working on things and/or not getting things done. You can't always be the one who picks up the slack and does too much. It will drive you crazy, and I can attest to that. Be very careful of the parent/child dynamic, because that is incredibly destructive to a relationship. If you notice this happening, it's best to get some counseling and nip it in the bud.

Sorry if this sounds so depressing, but it's something I wish I had known before getting married. ADHD can be a serious impediment to a marriage, and it's definitely not something to take lightly. You're already doing great by wanting to do your research and prepare yourself for what's to come!

I don't think I ever had it as bad as you, because I had a structured environment for the last few years of growing up that taught me a lot about how to manage my life. One of the things I was always bad at was making systems and habits, and keeping with them. This is one of the hallmarks of a person with ADHD. Once I reached adulthood and college, I still had problems, and medication wasn't a cure-all.

What I needed was someone to hand me easy to implement solutions to my problems. I needed an instruction manual. It sounds like you also need an instruction manual.

Here is the instruction manual for life with ADHD.

That book is one of the best purchases I ever made. I was already doing some of the things laid out in the book, but little by little I've been adding more, and it really helps.

My wife is incredibly supportive also, and when I tell her about something I'm working on, she helps me keep with it by asking me every once in a while if I'm still keeping up with whatever strategy I wanted to implement.

The key is to help yourself keep a timeline going of where you were/are/want to be in life, what your goals were/are, and what you need to do to attain them. I have developed a habit of checking up on myself every Monday morning. It works really well, because I almost always discover something coming up that I'd forgotten, or something from last week that I let slip. The sooner I deal with those things, the better.

You're not lazy, stupid, or alone, you just need proper maintenance and regular tune-ups.

ADHD/f, 35 years old here.

If you've asked her what is wrong and she told you nothing, then don't treat her like she's being dishonest about it. (Not saying you are! Just saying - don't keep asking.) Even if there is something wrong, she may not be ready to talk about it or she may not even know quite how to articulate it yet. Just let her know that you're there for her anytime she wants to talk or needs help, no matter how trivial her problems might seem to her, and leave it at that.

I've had boyfriends that thought the answer to this kind of situation was to shower more attention on me, which I then felt obligated to respond to when there was already an increased demand on my time and focus, which stressed me out even more!

So respect her personal space, both physical AND mental. If she needs some extra time to herself during stressful periods, then that's the best thing you can do for her. Try not to take it too personally, especially since you mentioned she's applying to med school. My best friend applied to law school this past spring and she was an absolute mess from the time she started narrowing down schools until she got accepted - we're talking months here - and she doesn't even have ADHD.

I think it's great that you're dedicated to keeping your relationship healthy. I would strongly recommend that you read Driven To Distraction by Edward Hallowell if you haven't already. It gives a generally useful overview of ADHD but also talks about relationships. I think it would give you some additional insight that might be helpful.

Good luck!

I bought this book mostly for myself but as I read through it I realized several parts were describing my spouse, too! It could be helpful for both of you to read. There is an audio book format too if that works better for you.

If you are diagnosed with ADHD medication can help a lot of the issues you've mentioned. I hope your wife sticks by you through this. If you have ADHD getting treatment really helps!

Does he know how much you struggle with those tasks? He could give you a hand sharing his way of dealing with them. Even on meds, I had a hard time dealing with some bureaucratic matters and I couldn't have done it without my wife, who did not have ADHD. All it took was her pointing me on the right direction.

In general, what I realized works best for me is writing down less than five daily to-dos on a piece of paper that you keep in front of you. Be humble and don't aim high at first, start with three things like cleaning one bathroom (even just buy the cleaning supplies) or replace a lightbulb. As you complete them, mark the to-dos as completed. Not just a tick, cross-out that motherfucker, you owned it!! You'll get addicted to the satisfaction of getting things done. I keep my lists on a notebook and, whenever I run low on confidence or self-esteem, I flip back and there they are, tasks after tasks crossed out, some of them several times. It's a great morale boost.

Taking charge of adult ADHD is full with little tricks to help dealing with house chores as well as being in a relationship. The book itself is written in a very ADHD-friendly manner, with short chapters and multiple summary boxes.

I definitely think CBT with a therapist is something you should pursue. Before I had even made the connection that I might have adult ADHD, I started seeing someone who specialised in meditative therapies, his background being in Buddhism. I was a bit hesitant at first because, well, it sounded a bit hokey to me but it was actually very helpful. Something he said that is the perfect description for our condition (at least for me) is that "your mind is like a stallion running wild. We want to tame it--not break it--so you can take control of it". For whatever reason, that outlook helped a lot. Unfortunately, I had to stop seeing him because my insurance ran out but I would go back in a second.

Fast forward about a month and I have been formally diagnosed and am getting on medicine (its a clinical trial, 3rd phase--so we will see what happens) and until I get back on insurance I plan to use a couple books I found via a video that was actually posted by u/roland00 on another thread. (BTW that video was a lecture by Russell Barkley and was immensely helpful, so thank you very, very much u/roland00) Anyway there are a bunch out there but I went with this one and this one. Check the "customers also bought" section for others. Good luck on your journey!

I can't speak for your side, medication issues, etc. but my husband has ADHD that was undiagnosed until about 8 months ago. So, I'll try to explain how your wife feels and what's worked for us.

When you're with someone with ADHD it can be extremely frustrating, which you seem to get. It's frustrating to have to pick up the little things that get left behind or act as a reminder system for someone who, without ADHD, wouldn't need the help. There's a fundamental difference in a non-ADHD brain and an ADHD brain and sometimes, the compassion for an ADHD brain gets lost. It's like constantly fighting to be heard over the other stimuli coming in and the distractions. Often, at least for me, it leads to me not feeling like I have emotional support or a partner in my marriage.

So, here's what worked for us:

-Marriage counseling with someone who understands ADHD: our counselor helps him realize what are his ADHD symptoms and gives him the tools to lessen the effect it has on our marriage. The counselor helps me realize that he is not ADHD, he has ADHD. She helps me take a step back and focus on myself while still being supportive of him making his own progress. She helps us communicate with one other and bridge the gap that exists between his brain and mine.

-Books: Personally, I recommend ADHD Effect on Marriage to help understand how it impacts your marriage and More Attention, Less Deficit as a guidebook for different methods to try to cope with the symptoms.

-Breaks: take a weekend apart, not a relationship break but go on separate vacations, go visit family, take a day-cation apart. After a while, dealing with the ADHD symptoms can get overwhelming. Taking a break helps both of us decompress and come back focused and ready to take on whatever else life can throw at us. We appreciate each other more, good and bad.

I know it's tough for both spouses in an ADHD marriage. It's frustrating and tense and stressful. But, it can work. Work as a team and be open with each other.

I am not the OP but here are two books that I got for my SO to help her in understanding and dealing with someone who has ADHD. They were an immense help and I personally found them oddly refreshing to read... it's nice to see and know that there are others out there who share the exact same issues, and even more importantly that there are others who understand.

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-But-Stuck-Emotions-Adults/dp/111827928X

http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

Break the habit loop! I just skimmed the article but I think it sums up what's in the book on the same topic. I read the book (or listened to the audio version rather) and I think it's really good at breaking down what habits are, why we have them and how to change them. You have made a habit out of abusing your meds. Now if you want to end that habit, you might as well go methodically to work as this will give you a better result than just trying out of sheer will power. But as /u/megawavelord suggested you should first identify why you are doing this:

• What is the context - school / alone / with others etc?
  
• What time of day do you do it?
  
• What are you doing right before and after?
  
• How do you feel when you do it?
  
• What is your initial motivation and inner reasoning for doing it?
  
  You will learn more about your habit this way, which makes it easier to change it. I will not go through the steps of habit change, but I really think it could help you if you really put real effort into a methodical approach. (not saying you're not putting in effort now). I have changed a bad habit this way and I know others have too.
  
  You have to believe in yourself though or else you will probably fail or return to your old habit in certain situations. I believe in you and wish you the best. Let me know how you are doing.
  
  EDIT: missing words!

Is this the book you are thinking of? Could you give a short review on how you like it and if it's easy to read?

I've also seen this book, which looks really good since it looks like it was made for somebody with ADHD. (i.e. lots of extra blocks with "hints" and stuff that make it easier to read than a book with pages of all text)

Maybe I should just buy both and hope that I'll actually go through with one rather than another book rotting on my shelf lol

I absolutely feel where you are coming from. Seek alternate opinions, or better yet ask your professional why they made the call. Ask trusted others if they notice a difference in you post medication. My type A wife absolutely can tell and often informs me without prompting if I missed a day of medication.

You are feeling the impact of opinions and influences from a world where many think ADHD isn't even a real thing. How many of these have you heard? Slow down. If you just work harder and focus more, everything would be fine. Can you sit still please? Buckle down and stop being lazy. If you just applied yourself more... Get your head out of the clouds and get this done. Just be patient.

To some extent it is true, if we focus more and work harder things will turn out better. What many don't comprehend is that what many would consider "normal" focus is often very difficult for us to achieve, double for things that don't interest us or requires more mental effort.

Think about it this way: If you answered the questions honestly, and probably conservatively like I did for fear of sounding like an addict, and you were still given an ADHD diagnosis...you have ADHD. If you take the prescribed meds and you don't turn into a spastic/hyper mess? Also a strong sign.

The next whammie you deal with? Comprehending how much easier life is on medication and the realization of lost past potential. I was in your exact shoes until I tried Vyvanse for the first time at 38 and it revealed how much coping I had been doing all my life.

A book recommendation for you:
https://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/0743264487

And an entertaining video from a website with a lot information that helped me:
http://totallyadd.com/our-unofficial-adhd-test-video/

24yo F with ADD here.

It could be that your issue stems from phone communication? When I was in my teens, pre-diagnosis, I had a long distance relationship that didn’t go well because I had a strong aversion to phone conversations. I couldn’t remain engaged with them but didn’t know how to express it.

In aself help book I read recently, I recall a section talking about this particular issue for people like us. Non-verbal communication cues aren’t there in phone conversation so it’s harder for us to connect/stay connected with what is going on.

I’d recommend doing more research on this for yourself to see if this matches what you’re feeling (and also because my memory can be less than perfect). If that turns out to be the problem, and the “long-distance” part of your relationship is non-negotiable for both of you right now, maybe consider using webcam?

Hope that helps

This is a really good book I just read about getting rid of stuff you don't need: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1607747308?tag=randohouseinc8259-20 (it's a new york times bestseller etc). It says it's about "tidying up" but really it's about how to choose what stuff to keep and how to only keep the possessions you actually really love. It also has a bunch of cheesy/corny stuff in it, but the good parts outweigh that. (it's also a pretty short book, so that's nice too :P)

Young and poor beats out old and rich every time.

Fortunately you are young.

If you have ADHD, dealing with it involves a lifelong strategy. And, it is important to focus on the fact that ADHD is not all bad, in fact, having ADHD is a huge advantage in certain life skills (such as creativity and entrepreneurial skills).

My advice is to learn as much about ADHD as you can. Go to the library and check out books and learn. This book gives a great overview of how to make your life better.

Also, learning about yourself.

I suggest reading You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy +pdf or amazon

being aware is good. When you are feeling off, maybe write a list down of the things you're being distracted by. Or ask them to write what they want to talk about so you don't forget.

Google Keep is great for this because you can share notes and lists really easily with one another.

You just have to talk about it though. Good luck :D

(Most of this is adapted advice from this book. I'm still a work in progress on this myself so this advice is as much for me as it is for you)

The big wins are going to be to make it easier to throw things away, put things away, and clean. Basically think in terms of rationing your attention "spoons." Don't waste valuable attention on low-priority, "nice-to-have" stuff. Maximize efficiency.

For the first one, are your trash cans large enough? Are there trash cans in enough locations? Are the trash bags right there or do you have to hunt for them to change the bag?

For the second one, when you're putting stuff away, is there actually a consistent place that everything goes? Or do you have to kind of wing it every time because you have too much stuff per unit of storage space?

The solution here is to make more storage space (preferably open space, like cubbies or shelves), and also ruthlessly, brutally, totally purge anything inessential. Donate, put out on the front step, throw away, recycle. Stuff in the "might use someday" category is a giant red flag for "give or throw this away." Getting a body double can help for these big organization/purge sequences.

Also, how many steps are involved in putting stuff away? Open containers are better, because you don't have to open or close a door. Anything fiddly or involved (like having to stack and unstack things) is disastrous because realistically, you just won't do it. Ideally, you should almost be able to fling stuff into place from wherever it is in the room. Having stuff organized in a more "open" plan may be a little less "Martha Stewart," but it can still look nice and organized, and it is way easier.

For the third one, do you have storage space for everything that's not "in a pile on the floor"? If things are in piles, you can't sweep and mop easily. If there's lots of crap around your bed or if it's totally crammed into the corner, your bed will be harder to make and you won't do it as much.

And can you simplify your sweeping/mopping/vacuuming routine? Swiffer-style mops with disposable cloths and the kind of cleaner you just squirt on the floor may cost a bit more, but if it saves you time and aggravation, it may be worth it. If your nemesis is the dishes, maybe get some compostable plates/silverware. Or, put almost all of your dishes in storage except for one or two sets, so they can't possibly build up. Bring the rest out only when you have company.

Basically, release yourself from the pressure of living up to a neurotypical person's standards for aesthetics and perfect environmental-friendliness in housekeeping. That stuff is for people with attention, time, and energy to spare. Focus on efficiency.

Sorry, I get the appeal of sharing tools you find helpful, but I do not want anyone in this community to get in trouble for sharing a book that is not theirs to share. It being a PDF does not mean you can freely share it - it was probably part of your diagnosis cost in some way.

If you would like to view or purchase a copy of the book, please visit your local library or bookseller. Here's a link to the Amazon US store: http://smile.amazon.com/The-Adult-ADHD-Tool-Kit/dp/0415815894

This sounds like something the Organizing for ADHD book would recommend (https://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Solutions-People-Revised-Updated/dp/1592335128)! Love it. She emphasizes efficiency of effort over efficiency of space and other considerations like aesthetics.

It sucks sometimes but it's the lot we have and we can make the best of it. It's just harder but we can set ourselves up for success. I highly recommend this book as a start.

My husband’s new therapist assigned us this book as homework. We’re just getting started, but it might be helpful to you both. It shows both sides. Best of luck.

The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps https://www.amazon.com/dp/1886941971/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_QhmiDb1C2T4NC

It's my favorite book on ADHD, written by a pair of doctors who themselves both have ADHD and specialize in the treatment of it, one of whom benefits from medication and one of whom does not.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307743152/

EDIT: One person to whom I recommended it informed me that it's also available in audiobook form, in case that's of interest. And I suspect it would help your husband understand you better. If you do get him to read it, I'd be interested in knowing if I'm right about that.

First off, its important to express the emotions you feel. But I also feel like their is a lot of self-hatred and negative self talk that I relate to from my past. You can absolutely change your life and outlook of ADHD and better live with the difficulties. I would recommend this book, it has helped me deal with some of the issues caused by my ADHD: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476 . I got an eBook copy.

​

I wish you all the best and hope your problems will resolve soon :)

Good on you!

---

Though, for myself, it was a bit of a reveal when I spoke with psychologists & psychiatrists who outlined their reasons for thinking I may have had ADHD and autism. (They proceeded to check, and indeed confirmed that hunch.)

Basically, both diagnoses both frequently occur in the same person, and both of them can go quite a long way to explaining all of the issues you experience compared to only one diagnosis on its own (and why some of the normal treatments/strategies for one are less effective in some people who have both).

Though I'm a hulking everyday manly man (in contrast to you dainty and unknowable women), this book (https://www.amazon.co.uk/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1583913580) was recommended by my psychiatrist. It has proven very practical, and also describes a lot of case studies, examples and suggestions that are particularly attentive to the experiences of women with ADHD issues. (The authors are themselves women and have worked heavily with women patients.)

Basically: it seems valuable not only to me (being not a woman), but looks like something that's actually of practical use in a way that a lot more of the literature might overlook the specific manifestations that occur for women with ADHD.

May be worth a try. :)

I was in exactly your situation. Driven to Distraction and You mean, I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? both helped me.

Sleep a lot. Remove as much sugar as you can from your diet. Drink ALL the water. Have some loving support. Good luck.

I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you consider buying blue-blocking glasses. I got mine about two weeks ago, and they seem to be quite the help so far. People on Amazon also talk very positively about them.

This is the pair I bought: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000USRG90/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Edit: And put them on at night. I put mine on about two hours before my bedtime.

Damn, this is really thoughtful of you. I wish more (non-ADHD) people understood how challenging it can be to live with ADHD. I'm sure your care package will mean the world to your friend.

Here's a book I recommend:

"The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD"
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476

You're on the right track. Continue to break your large goals into smaller tasks.

It's also important to know you can't fix everything you'd like to all at once. Just pick 2-3 things to work on (perhaps one item from each main category) for now.

*

3 things that are currently helping me the most**:

• Using a bullet journal
  
• Reading this book
  
• Using sticker charts
  
  *
  
  Bullet Journal
  
  I started one after watching 2 videos on the How to ADHD YouTube channel (this and this)
  
  I've finally gotten into the habit of using it daily (I started it back in April), and it's been a huge help.
  
  I use it to keep track of everything; appointments, birthdays, chores, work stuff, personal projects, etc.
  
  Having all of that info in one location makes planning my days go much more smoothly.
  
  Book
  
  Picking up the Kindle version was easily the best $2 I've spent all year, and I'm only about halfway through it.
  
  It was written by a psychiatrist who wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until his 60s. It's a personal account of things he struggles with and strategies he's developed over the years to cope. The chapters are super short and the end of each chapter has a summary.
  
  Reading about his strategies has helped me come up with similar things to try in my own life.
  
  Sticker Chart**
  
  This one kinda makes me feel like a child (I'm 31), but it's been working.
  
  At the beginning of November I thought about three things I wanted to work on improving, and made a chart for each.
  
  One has 30 boxes (one for each day in November), and two of them have 4 boxes because my goal for those is just once a week.
  
  Every day/week I do what's on the charts, I put a star sticker in the corresponding box. Additionally, I taped these to my bedroom door, so I have to look at them every time I leave my room.
  
  
  
  
  

It would probably more helpful for her to be asking the questions if she's willing to be helpful. Complaining is not going to be a successful strategy for her. She needs to help set up the household in a way that
is helpful.

http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386

http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

Hello!

I wouldn't worry too much about you not being taken seriously with your daughter. Girls are not generally diagnosed because they typically have more issues with attention and it may not be as noticeable, while boys are typically more hyperactive and it is more obvious and disruptive. When it comes to "testing" they will more than likely talk with your daughter's teacher as well, so if this is something a teacher has noticed then it will help you out in your reasoning!

It is very common for people with ADHD to be all over the place but be able to focus hard on something they are interested in for hours. I know I am like that!

So according to the DSM-5, which is basically a list of criteria to meet certain disorders, to be diagnosed with ADHD you have to shown symptoms before you were 12. If you are over 12, you have to have some sort of proof of these symptoms before then. Sometimes doctors will "diagnose" anyway, but if you are looking to get prescribed medication I would suggest you try other things first. A psychology professor of mine suggested this book to me. I haven't bought it yet (keep forgetting- ADHD lol), but it may be worth checking out!

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_Q3iywbMZ72CPQ

Hey thanks for this resource. Definitely going to look into it. As payment, I encourage you to look into the book "Your life can be better, using strategies for adult ADHD"

It talks similarly about making habits and different approaches to the same issues in order to overcome them. Great read

The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov has a lot of good material for both people in ADHD - non-ADHD relationships.

The book is a bit light on specific practical advice, but I think the book is really good for helping you see things from your partner's point of view, which is helpful in and of itself.

Does it help if you give yourself permission to read just a little bit at a time? The best ADHD books contain strategies you're meant to stop and try out anyway, you're not supposed to just read on and on.

Shorter ADHD books:

[Ari Tuckman: Understand Your Brain, Get More Done]
(https://www.amazon.com/Understand-Your-Brain-More-Done/dp/1886941394/)

Crosby & Lippert: Transforming ADHD

ADHD books with really bite-sized chapters:

Doug Puryear: Living Daily With Adult ADD or ADHD: 365 Tips o the Day

Laurie Dupar's edited "365" and "365+1" ways to succeed with ADHD books and ADHD Awareness Book Project

Ari Tuckman: More Attention, Less Deficit

Everybody's different. I love reading, so there's definitely a market for ADHD books, even long-ish ones.

The two most common tips that I regularly see are Exercise and Meditation.

John Ratey says in Spark that 30 minutes of moderate exercise is best for women with ADHD (he recommends 15 minutes of intense exercise for men)

Meditation can help build up practices to help you build good practices. Dan Harris's new book would probably be a good start. I listened to 10% Happier and found it to be good. You can also listen to him on the 10% Happier Podcast.

That's at least for starters.

Give it some time for the medication to start working before trying much else. I use a couple of supplements through the advice I found on examine.com but I would recommend giving yourself a few months before speaking to your doctor before looking into supplements.

From there it depends on what you struggle with. There are a lot of things to try but just try a few at a time. I've tried doing everything at once and had it all crash down in front of me.

I do not think getting Dx will hinder your hiring. First, in the US, health info is private, and you don’t have to disclose. Second, getting Dx can help you get medicated, which can do wonders for productivity. However, I don’t recommend relying totally on meds. Read and / or get a counselor to learn techniques to help your memory /organization. This book has helped me so much! you mean I’m not lazy, stupid or crazy?!

Good luck!

For me, Adderall is very essential as I'm a worthless slug without it, but behavior modification is key to actually improving my situation.

I find that Adderall is more of an enabling medication than a problem solving medication. In other words, I am more capable to be productive if I choose to sit down and be productive, but taking it doesn't mean I am actually going to choose to sit down and be productive. I can still procrastinate, zone out, and be an all-around mess if I let myself.

I'm not sure what your husband's memory problems or attention span problems are, but for me the key to being generally less forgetful and more focused is to create the "scaffolding" that Russell Barkley talks about in a great video that unfortunately I couldn't find with a quick google just now. But take a look at the last few slides of this powerpoint for some ideas:

http://www.regent.edu/acad/schcou/forms_downloads/psyd/adhd_handout_3_25_11.pdf

Another thing that has helped me a lot is this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Better-Using-Strategies-Adult/dp/1937600432/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414158129&sr=8-1&keywords=your+life+can+be+better

Where memory is concerned, that's one thing I haven't figured out how to support. I have been able to figure out how to be less forgetful of things like missing keys or forgetting to pay a bill, but in terms of remembering past events, conversations, etc. I haven't made much progress. If this is the type of thing your husband is struggling with, maybe some kind of daily journaling could help?

It may also be very helpful to look at a supplemental drug or nutritional supplements. I don't have any experience with that, but my understanding is that a lot of people find those types of interventions to be very helpful.

I'm 42, diagnosed six months ago (although I suspected it for over two decades). Started at a low dosage of Vyvanse, up to 70mg now, and it's work wonders for me. I'm able to stay focused, and for me that means minimal daydreaming during meetings, if my mind wanders while I do work, I'm able to reign it back in, and I'm able to finish what I start.

Do keep in mind that while the medication helps "turn down the volume" around you, you still need to develop good habits and be organized. I recommend checking out the following book. While it contains some standard ADHD advice, it does contain some very valuable information that could potentially help you.

http://www.amazon.com/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1583913580/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394329002&sr=8-1&keywords=adhd+organize

The book Delivered from Distraction is excellent and I highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.com/Delivered-Distraction-Getting-Attention-Disorder/dp/0345442318

There's also a fantastic documentary called ADD & Loving it , which helped my husband understand how my ADHD brain works.

Hey sorry to hear about your troubles but we all here appreciate you taking the time to talk and ask about your husband and what he's going through. To answer your questions...

1. First of all, it sounds like your husband is in desperate need of treatment or medication. Everything you listed, the inattentiveness, inability to follow through or complete tasks, and the complete lack of motivation, sounds like another day for me when I don't take my Adderall. If it seems like he's trying really hard, that he wants a better life but he gets in his own way, it's incredibly possible he has ADHD.
   
   
2. A well structured regimen looks different for each person. Personally this is how mine goes.
   
   Wake up, take meds, have a protein filled breakfast, internet, shower, study, chores, exercise, dinner, video games, bedtime.
   
   Everyone on this sub uses different tips and tricks to help get through their day. Some use alarms and sticky notes to remind them of appointments and meetings. I keep my wallet and my keys in the same place so I know where they both are when I go to leave.
   
   3
   
   There's a wonderful book called Driven to Distraction written by a psychiatrist with Attention Deficit Disorder. It's a critically acclaimed novel filled with personal stories of different people who all have ADHD and what their lives are like. I bet if given the chance, your husband would find himself in one of those stories.
   
   Lastly, ADHD requires a saintly level of patience. We are not easy people to deal with. We're absentminded, forgetful, late all the time, sometimes messy, and always distracted. We stare off into space, get lost in our own heads, and need to be told things repeatedly. We are not lost causes though. People with ADHD can surprise you, it just takes us a little longer than the rest of us :)
   
   
   

The first one I’ve read and found to be helpful. The second one I haven’t read, but I have implemented daily mindfulness practices and they almost singlehandedly saved me during a period of time when medications were failing me. The third I haven’t read but comes highly recommended by trusted sources.


Using CBT to Facilitate Coping Inside and Out The Adult ADHD Tool Kit (Paperback) - Common https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OKRFQIK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_UA5WAbKMDPNYF

The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD: An 8-Step Program for Strengthening Attention, Managing Emotions, and Achieving Your Goals https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590308476/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_pC5WAbSY00SDW

Taking Charge of Adult ADHD https://www.amazon.com/dp/1606233386/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_cD5WAb5JK6M71

I've always thought this was the best way to curb my ADD along with medicine and if anyone is interested there is an amazing book written by a physician about this subject! Helped me understand a lot: https://www.amazon.com/Spark-Revolutionary-Science-Exercise-Brain/dp/0316113514

Yes!

This is a good primer on women with ADHD: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/adhd-is-different-for-women/381158/

And this book by Sari Solden is really helpful because it very clearly lays out how ADHD is different for women (overlook the terrrrrrible cover): https://www.amazon.com/Women-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Differences/dp/0978590929

So you don't eventually get a nasty surprise, think Bose is a 50% partial trade in credit on malfunctioning headphones once you're out of warranty. I'm not sure you have to buy directly from them initially--think you can trade in a set from anywhere though obviously you'd have to buy the new set from them.

Stellar post, btw. Some of your solutions resemble things I learned in Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD. I'd recommend it as a good read to people wanting to simplify.

* looking online, depends on age of the headphones.

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!

It's an old book, but it helped me out quite a bit when I was diagnosed as a teen (though it is adult-focused, not teen-focused). It addressed ADD in women specifically as well as adult ADD in general. Obviously the section about meds is going to be useless- but the biggest part was that it was so comforting to read. It truly made me feel, for the first time in my life, that I wasn't a lazy, useless slob. I read better books about the actual medicine/psychology, but this book helped me immensely on an emotional level.

It sounds like you're American, so things might be different than in Canada, but I'm fairly certain that Concerta has gone generic recently. According to my doctor, the generic's extended release doesn't function quite as well for whatever reason, but it's probably gonna be a looooot cheaper.
This book is also a really good read. Written by two doctors who have ADHD themselves.

Your friend is me. It doesn’t sound like she’s rejecting you - it’s all characteristic of her ADHD, but her behavior is still affecting you and your feelings are valid. Often we don’t realize how we are making others feel and yours are common complaints from someone with a relationship with an ADHD brain. I’ve had the same core group of friends forever, who also fluctuate in attentiveness to friendships, so we all kind of just have an understanding that it’s not personal when someone’s off the map for a while. That rollercoaster is our life.


I don’t have advice so much as support and empathy for your situation. Do you know if she’s being treated (meds, therapy etc.?)

If you want to learn more about her inner workings, read Women with ADHD by Sari Solden. https://www.amazon.com/Women-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Differences/dp/0978590929/ref=asc_df_0978590929/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312142103956&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4810976998787936035&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031071&hvtargid=pla-449314779279&psc=1

I know this is not the advice you're looking for, but I always found tidying (and cleaning) very difficult but I implemented the advice in this book and I've found it way easier now, I can do it without thinking! Might be useful if you're looking for other solutions? :)

for learning/cognitive related i recommend checking out:
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman,

Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericsson

and the various Cal Newport books (he also has a blog),

Thomas Frank from College Info Geek is also cool.

i personally prefer actionable coaching over talk therapy as it helps me get shit done rather than sit around and introspect which i already do enough of.

there is a /r/Stoicism

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo, check it out

Brene Brown for self compassion, talks on Youtube, you could check out.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson is another good one.

http://psymed.info/default.aspx?m=Test&id=64&l=3 <--- 6 question screening test.

take a few of teh screening tests. if you turn up likely for ADHD, chat with a therapist/psych. talk about behavioral screening and medication. see what mix of the two is right for you.

step 1 is talk to a dr.

if i could've been diagnosed at your age instead of 25 my life would've changed drastically for the better. i would've had a good gpa in high school instead of barely passing.

do some reading. do some research. make sure it's you.

this book helped me a lot: http://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/0743264487/

ask us lots of questions. we're here for ya. :)

I started my meds exactly a week ago, and I also decided to read Your Life can be Better. That book was kinda useful to give me the initial push to begin taking some measures on how to organize better, but since I've been so little time at it, I guess I'm not too used to it yet. However:

Post-its and calendar, even in just like 5 days (I didn't start using them right away) I've realized that it's indeed vital for me. I started using Google Keep and Google Calendar, I'm also browsing for any other app that might be useful keep my schedule in check, like some weekly timetable organizer, some alarms to remind me what I should be doing at each time of the day and so on.

The two I mentioned at least, I would advice any ADHD-er here to try them for a couple days, specially the post-it one. It's simple, does only what's supposed to do (create post-its, organize them by color, make checklists, you can place pictures and audio in them and through the phone you can dictate the memos if you don't wanna write, you can also restore deleted notes) without any other distractions such as social features and all that bullshit.

From my short experience, is not that meds help me remember much better, and I tired using stuff like this before, but medicated I'm more thorough keeping track of them and getting myself to do what I write.

Have you read the Adult ADHD Tool Kit?

It's meant to be a client's companion to CBT, and the writers are both super well respected experts. I can't really recommend it enough. Most importantly they explain their reasoning behind each strategy, so it doesn't have that feeling of 'do it because I said so' which is normally so frustrating.

I'm in a similar boat, my parents don't quite believe it. I just bought and read the book "Driven to Distraction" and it's awesome, there's a lot in there that will help you come to terms with your new diagnosis. It was originally published in 1994 so there have been a lot of changes in the field since then, but there are a lot of case studies in there so you get to hear other stories that are similar to yours. It addresses so much of the issues that you're mentioning here and will help you come to terms with your diagnosis. I'm going to give it to my parents to read next, so we'll see how that goes.

Edit: My psychiatrist also suggested that I just wait until the people around me are really able to see the change in me. Your parents are mostly worried about you so once they see that you're happier and are functioning at a higher level then they will probably become more receptive.

1. The biggest study in children actually showed (the MTA) showed that medication and behavioral therapy reduced core ADHD symptoms in treated children. However, long term results of meds and behavioral treatment were less promising for some other areas of functioning (e.g., social skills, academic achievement, aggressive behaviors). With adults, I really don't know. Clinically, the meds seem to work wonders, and they show short-term reductions in research studies when medicated. I'm just not aware of any long-term studies at this point.
   
   
2. Not to my knowledge. I am very much a nontraditionalist (I would LOVE to give a bunch of depressed people MDMA during group therapy) when it comes to psychopharmacology, but I can' think of a reason that psychedelics would have any effect on ADHD. Hallucinogens operate on an unrelated receptor type (5-HT). Cannabinoids could in theory do something, but NIMH wouldn't fund the study.
   
   
3. Others could probably answer this better than me. Changing your stimulus environment can be quite helpful (low distraction), and externalizing information can help overcome problems with working memory. Russell Barkley has a great book full of helpful tips on this topic.
   
   
4. I very much doubt it, and there is no scientific evidence to support the use of supplements. Some people swear by it, but I think that's probably a placebo effect/ cognitive dissonance. The things we tell ourselves.
   
   
5. With that background you may be interested in Terje Sagvolden's work on learning dysfunction in ADHD. Wickens did a similar paper on how learning can go wrong in ADHD.
   
   
   I don't know if those links will work. Let me know if they don't and I'll try to find another.

https://www.amazon.com/Delivered-Distraction-Getting-Attention-Disorder/dp/0345442318

I recommend this book. Also. most Public libraries in the US have digital media on their websites where you can borrow Ebooks and Audiobooks (yes!!!) for free.

The book goes through diagnosis, testing, medications, and techniques and methods to use with and without medication. It's one of those "I wish someone had told me about this" books.

I'm using this book to help me figure out the right dosage and medicine. Started on 50mg of Vyvance, now I'm trying 20 mg of Adderall XR. I'm suspicious that they doc is pushing Vyvance on me.

I make this recommendation constantly, but, you should (and ask your parents to, if they are willing) read Driven to Distraction. I'm starting to feel like a shill for this author, but it really is the best book for understanding the many ways adhd presents itself and the reasons why treatment works. It's easily digestible and a pretty quick read.

I'm not sure what the heck your dad means by "they stop working like stimulants" as if amphetamine somehow is checking your ID and suddenly acting on different receptors. Heh.

Here's the not-entirely-accurate-but-close-enough explanation of adhd. While it's likely an imbalance of more than one chemical pathway in the brain, it appears that dopamine plays a very big role. Dopamine is the reward chemical, and people with adhd seem to have continuous lack of it. Thus, their brains are continually in search of it.

So what gives us dopamine? Things that are exciting, exercise (running addiction, you say?), certain foods (sugars especially), certain drugs (you know, like amphetamine. but, also cocaine. and alcohol.), driving fast, roller coasters, sky diving, sex - anyting pleasurable.

This is why a lot of people with adhd have impulse control issues. It's why we get so many speeding tickets, it's why a lot of us binge eat, it's why many of us are so emotionally reactive or interrupt people constantly (the brain latches on to the most exciting thought at any given moment), it's partly why a lot of us suffer from anxiety and depression (even negative thoughts can be exciting from the brain's perspective), it's a big reason why romantic partners may describe us as intense, etc.

So, what do adderall/ritalin/vyvanse/other stimulants do? It gives you dopamine so your brain stops craving it and doing weird shit. It continues to serve this purpose long after your tolerance goes up and you stop feeling high as a kite - a week to a month after starting, provided you don't increase your dosage.

Once I learned to understand this and started viewing all of my adhd behaviors in relation to dopamine, so much started to make sense. For example: why do I procrastinate? Because only when the deadline nears does the excitement level get high enough that there is a dopamine response as I race against the clock to finish the project. Why am I late for everything? Because it's exciting to rush somewhere, even if it's also negative and stressful. Etc. Etc.

There is good advice here as long as the ADHD partner is willing to acknowledge their shortcomings and take actions to reconcile the pain they will unintentionally cause their non-ADHD partner. In particular, making sure that any counselor or doctor has a specialty in ADHD.

Only OP is in a position to judge, so I'll add that if the ADHD partner is not committed to improving, the solution is not for her to be even more accommodating. That just sets up more of a parent-child, nagger-nagged dynamic. He has to be willing and able to learn to live like an adult despite the challenges of ADHD.

Some additional links:

ADHD and relationships:
http://www.drhallowell.com/overview-of-how-adhd-affects-relationships/

Driven to Distraction gives a pretty clear explanation of what ADHD is and is not; has a section on ADHD and relationships; and distinguishes ADHD from comorbid conditions.
https://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152

This one claims to be written for the ADHD brain More Attention Less Deficit. I definitely found it easier to read and understand than the Barkley and Hallowell books even though Hallowell has ADHD himself. I like "So you mean I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy?" too. It is real different from the other books and kind of controversial but I liked it. Both of the authors also have ADHD and are ADHD coaches. The style is much more casual and personal.

Another parallel story here – law school, smart, lack of progress, etc.

Diagnosed with depression at 35. Once treatment had me somewhat stabilized, I started reading up on depression and mental health. (lifelong habit: must learn all the things. right now. unless required by school or job.)

Anyway, that eventually had me reading Spark by John Ratey (co-author of Driven to Distraction). I was reading for the chapter on depression, and found I related to it quite well. But then I skimmed through the rest, and got to the chapter on ADHD...and was stunned. It was so clearly me. Then started reading all the things on ADHD to make sure I wasn't out to lunch, and made an appointment to see my doc.

Doc talked to me for about 20 minutes, asked a whole bunch of questions, then sent me home with a questionnaire to complete and send back to him. Did that and went back for a follow-up, which was more questions. Ended with confirmation of what I'd known since the day I hit that chapter in Spark.

Now I'd say I'm doing okay – awareness and Adderall are both helping, but it's a long road. I'm confident my career (in particular) would have had a different trajectory if I'd been diagnosed years ago, but I'm still in an okay spot. I've also been able to see how my ADHD has affected me as a spouse and parent – and I'm trying to find ways to be better at both.

You know it almost came to that several times in our relationship. We are together four years as of March. I wish I would have discovered this book a long time ago: I highly recommend reading it so you have the tools to be successful in your future relationships: http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

His follow-up book, Delivered From Distraction, is also great and definitely a well-worth read.

​

I would recommend you watch bitch Russell Barkley videos and read Hallowell books. Barkley speaks a lot more about the theory and reasons behind why ADHD people function the way we do, but Hallowell's are a perfect addendum because they contain a lot of patient stories. Especially in Driven To Distraction, the majority of the book is patient stories, which are evergreen content (up to date as they relate to timeless experiences from individuals suffering the same as us).

​

Regardless, Barkley is the top dog, but Hallowell's books are great runner-ups for the throne. Delivered From Distraction talks a lot more about ADHD in adults and how to cope/organize your life around it.

​

I know we're "lazy" and struggling with maintaining focus, but to anyone capable of consuming both Barkley AND Hallowell, you'll be far better off than simply sticking with one or the other.

I found this book, "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy" which was written by two ADHD people to be incredibly insightful as well as entertaining. It's well organized but doesn't hammer points over and over. You should give it a try, it is enlightening.

I'm 25/F and I was you as well. You're doing all the right things, just keep them up. Something that helped me tremendously as well was this book, I highly recommend it to all women who were diagnosed late especially. Things will get better, now is the time to educate yourself about your disease.

my problem is that i read books like this in such an ADHD fashion..... I have some books on adhd that i have read several random chapters in different orders a few times..... I think the one i have jumped around in alot is You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder They actually talk about jumping around in the prefex for the book!!

Whatever the op decided to do, the first step is to try something. I am really good at not following through or finishing things, and i am finding that writing things down seems to put a different level of commitment to it vs putting it into evernote or a spreadsheet or whatever!

Though for work, I have a spreadsheet that i use to track things based on week that has conditional formatting for whether a task is in progress or completed. Whatever has not been completed from the previous week is copied over with notes and progress. that way i can see what projects and tasks i have to do at a quick glance.

The first thing I would recommend is watching all of these videos. They're dry..but necessary information.(Dr Russell A Barkley ADHD-The 30 Essential Ideas everyone needs to know) https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY


If you haven't already, learn to separate the science of actual ADHD and the general perceptions that are out there and won't die. The reality of it is, ADHD is purely a wiring/brain issues based in the genes. Medicine is the only established treatment that works (there should be things that supplement the meds, organizational stuff, support structures, diet and exercise). The videos talk about all of them. My Dr is an adhd specialist, everything he's told me falls right in line with this. The internet, and unfortunately a lot of general MD's that don't specialize give a lot of the bad information that is constantly out there. Another interesting book in regards to excercise is: http://www.amazon.com/Spark-Revolutionary-Science-Exercise-Brain/dp/0316113514
The author cowrote a best selling ADHD book.

For the record, I'm not saying it's impossible to manage adhd without meds. Plenty of people do. However, I'm under the impression it has to be "light" adhd and the people have to be disciplined. Most genuine ADHD cases need the meds as a starting point.

I got diagnosed at 34 after years and years of going to the doctor once in a while for depression/anxiety (I was 19 when I first thought that something 'wasn't right').

I only got diagnosed when I started reading about ADHD in women, thought it sounded scarily familiar and went to my GP to ask how I could get tested for it. He referred me to an ADHD clinic, which tested me, and gave me meds+ some therapy.

I, thankfully, respond really well to medication and now I take them there's pretty much not much left to make me either anxious or depressed.

(Not saying the depression wasn't real, it was definitely there, it just had a clear underlying cause no-one noticed).

Edit to add: since I knew it might be ADHD I've read a lot about it and this is the best book I've read on it so far. It deals with ADHD in all stages of your life, not just when you're a kid, and what can happen to you when you only discover it later in life.

It's basically an evolved form of Freud's psychotherapy on a couch. There are other types of therapy - mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectic behavioral therapy, others. I've tried many and have found a mix of mindfulness and psychodynamic most helpful. There's actually a good workbook on mindfulness for ADHD (http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476) - it's something you can do on your own. But if you have the resources, find someone you can talk to. It really helps.

I've been listening to ADHD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. There's a TON of information in it, so I tend to take notes on a section for a while, try to implement it, and move on once I've figured out some things that work for me.

Spend time on this forum. Here's some posts/responses I've saved:

https://www.reddit.com/r/productivity/comments/brdtco/how_to_stop_procrastinating_8_tips_to_finally/eoehmvm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

https://www.reddit.com/r/productivity/comments/bnqg83/always_know_your_next_three_tasks_and_commit_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x (this is a very valid ADHD tip. It's helped me a ton)

https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/b8vevb/i_was_diagnosed_with_adhd_2_years_ago_this_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

This post : https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/a2zntv/adhd_some_professional_tips_for_2019_task/

and this comment from that post (GTD = Getting Things Done, a book/process): https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/a2zntv/adhd_some_professional_tips_for_2019_task/eb3fmb9?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

​

I don't remember shit without notes, so I take notes or save links for all the resources I've seen or used. I've been working on my attention difficulties since the beginning of the year, and I think it's been small incremental improvements. Sometimes I slip, like lately I haven't been using pomodoro timers to keep myself on task at work, and so my productivity has not been super great.

I started a very loose bullet journal where I would write down journals for the day, and eventually moved into doing a "weekly spread" to keep my priorities and appointments. I also use google calendar to keep my events further out than the month.

What are your goals? What things can you do to work toward those goals? If there are things you WANT to do, but you CAN'T, you should probably seek out therapy and/or medications. Getting medicated has made the most difference for me. I was 28 and my shit was constantly falling apart. It's a miracle I've been employed at my current job more than two years, and I can thank medication and this research for that.

I highly recommend checking out this book. It really helps you to think about habits in a completely different way, which can be very helpful for new routines or new schedules.

I guess it could cause your cells to die off faster.... I think we just do not know as much about the body as we think we do. Seems like it just boils down to any thing over moderation is bad for you.... food.. coffee... water... etc.

I personally think the invention of agriculture, and the move from hunter gather tribes to more complex civilizations, has just started humans in a slow decline since we changed from that life style to quickly to properly evolve.

Use to think it was mainly the diet change (yeah paleo diet changed my life completely but thats another story ha) but then this documentry had to come and blow my mind about a month ago. (TL;DR: all the artificial blue light and prolonged nights are stongly contributing to the rise in western diseases (cancer, diabetes, and so forth)) Been rocking a pair of blue light blocking sun glasses (Consumer Reports Winner) 2 hours before i want to go to bed and have noticed I get to sleep alot quicker. (side note, I have found reading a good fiction book right before I go to bed (20 to 30 mins) helps shut off my brain for sleep)

Sorry I dumped all that on you.... Just found all that interesting... ha

Ps. I love his out there rants... makes you open your mind up sometimes...

this. the single biggest help I had in understanding my own ADHD when i was diagnosed. http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152/

the book was given to me by my (very excellent) psychiatrist for that exact purpose, and is very well respected.

I was the same way. I think there is something to be said about developing the habits and mental tools to do work without medication. Healthy diet (avoid sugar), clean room (organization skills), avoid excessive stimuli (video games, tv).

I was much better in the subjects that I cared about, ie Math/Computers.

It wasn't until my senior year when I was taking the ACTs that I decided to try meds.

Lately, I've been reading delivered from distraction. It has some chapters devoted to developing habits without medication.

I have ADHD-PI.
We all have different hormonal makeups, and sensitivities. I don't have too much of an issue with my meds and my hormonal cycle, (I'm on 3 month depo shot, and Strattera). But did experience extreme emotional swings when I tried Ritaline. Bassically as soon as it stopped working I would cry/get angry.

I was raised in a family where ADHD became a household term when 2 siblings and my mother were all diagnosed, when I was around 6 years old. I wasn't diagnosed till I was 25.
I'd always known about ADHD and how some people have bigger problems with certain symptoms and the personality disorders sometimes associated with ADHD. But it didn't hit home till my mother gave me the book, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?
http://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/0743264487
I really recommend it, as it gave so much insight into my symptoms, and which symptoms I had been overcompensating for.

Since I got diagnosed and had my therapy, courses and medication. I've been busy trying to get my non ADHD family to understand how ADHD works, why it is that way, and why berating people for things they do which are literally symptoms. Is a nasty way of putting those people down. Instead of accepting their flaws, and the entire package that person is. By comparing it other physical flaws like bad eyesight, or hearing. Why won't you just start hearing better! Does nothing for someone's hearing, and it's unrealistic to expect it to improve.

Both my siblings and my mother have been talked down on and in my sisters case completely black sheep labeled. Because of their ADHD symptoms, and inability to magically make their symptoms disappear.

As a side note for people who think they don't have the hyperactivity, remember that doesn't just include the classic boy running around and bouncing around.
Women are from childhood taught to be quiet, we internalize it, so the hyperactivity often shows in us in different ways, like speaking at a high speed. Or vibrating your foot, picking at something, fiddling with your hair, fidgeting. And also high speed thoughts.
When I am for example at school when I am very focused on something my foot will vibrate, or I will play with a pen in my hand, this release of hyper activeness allows me to focus.

Oh man, been there. Well, I am there, although maybe a little beyond where you are right now. You already know a lot of what needs to be done, but I wanted to point you to a book I am currently reading: "The ADHD Effect on Marriage". I'm only a partway into it but everything she has written in that book is spot on in my relationship. It's written for both the ADHD and non-ADHD partners as well, so it might help both of you.

Have you read The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps. I was working though it as I realized how much of an effect ADHD can have on most kinds of relationships: not just marriages, but other romantic relationships and friendships. Still got divorced, but I'm hoping I can learn not to repeat any of my uncorrected ADHD-induced shitty behavior in my next relationship, because it has the same effect on trust that saltwater corrosion has on bridges. The techniques I knew might have been good enough for school or work but they weren't working for someone who had to live with me. I'm flakey and my memory is garbage and I interrupt people but don't like being interrupted, so I made shared checklists and calendars and wrote stuff down and tried to switch to meds that made me less irritable and more able to follow a conversation.

Love that one! For those wanting to find it, the title's actually You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!

Learn as much as you can about ADHD. Get books, look up stuff online.

Definitely exercise. Plan things out so you don't go awry when you want to do certain things.

they had this (link at the bottom) at my local barnes and knobles, and I couldn't put it down. and I HATE reading. It gave me a great insight, and changed my views so much. Also made me feel better about things. http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Recognizing-Attention-Childhood/dp/0684801280

Yeah! It's called Taking Charge of Adult ADHD. It's one of the most helpful things I've read since being diagnosed a couple years ago. Really explains how executive dysfunction works, as well as a lot of other helpful info. https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386/

This book really helped me understand add, forgive myself, and understand other people's attitudes towards me. I still read it when I need advice on cleaning, money, relationships etc. I like it because it's written in a style that is easy for an ADD person to read, and it's not vague.

Both you and your wife need to read this book. There are coping tools for you, and tips for her dealing with you. It will also help her understand why you are the way you are... why she has to keep reminding you to take out the trash every Thursday etc.

It might also help shed some light for her, if she might need to be tested for ADHD as well.

• Because I'm poor, I borrowed this book from the library. I don't even remember what the content of the book was anymore, I just remember thinking that it was SO INSIGHTFUL and I definitely recommend it.
  
• I also recommend Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD. After borrowing it 3 summers in a row, I bought it and keep it around as a reference.
  

I found Driven to Distraction helpful. The author has also written a few more books. I haven't read them yet, but they are supposed to be very good.

Hey dude, all the best. In all seriousness, reading up on the matter (via books and internet resources) changed my life completely and utterly and made a huge difference.

I picked what worked for me and especially untangled the emotional djungles that hover invisibly as the actual reason for procrastinating and cluttering one's life.

If I may suggest: I know it's controversial, but the first ice breaker I happened to encounter was "So you think I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy?" by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo, I began with it and it completely changed my route.

And this article is an absolute must imho: waitbutwhy's "Why Procrastinators Procrastinate".

I was also diagnosed in my 30s. Around the same time, I found this book, and just the title made me burst into tears in the bookstore like a lunatic. Still haven't read it, but I plan to. Sending you love, OP.

Yes and a million times yes. A great book for women with ADHD is by Sari Solden. https://www.amazon.com/Women-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Differences/dp/0978590929

It has the most straightforward title and a weirdly 80s cover that makes it look like a sociology textbook, but it's super-relatable and very conversational. I read it in like two days (hyperfocused!). It talks about everything you mentioned but also has more research, plus stuff about relationships -- like why women with ADHD often go for partners who seem broken in some way, which can be dangerous.


Sincerely,
someone who forgot to put on deodorant AND who forgot to eat lunch so is now eating a weird conglomeration of snack foods

I hear that my friend. These might help.

https://www.amazon.com/TimerCaps-Large-Vials-Qty-Automatically/dp/B00ECK8KFG

http://www.forgettingthepill.com/products/add-on-timer-item-a001-1b

If you didn't know about Marie Kondo, you might find her book helpful.

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing/dp/1607747308

It is very popular and probably in your local public library, so you don't even need to buy it. Because buying a physical book means more clutter...

I should have covered that, you're right. Lack of foresight on my part. Russell Barkley describes it as perseveration. We have it backwards: rather than focusing really well, instead we fail to react to new appropriate stimuli. Getting "stuck", as it were, doing the same thing. I think this is why we (I say "we" because I strongly identify with your experience) don't have a big problem with fiction, which is interesting from moment to moment, while textbooks can prove less straightforward. That's also why Barkley describes it as a "time blindness" in his book. I strongly recommend getting the book, by the way - it really helped me conceptualise how ADHD impairs me.

Your life can be better has some useful strategies. Easy to read too.

This book touches on some of the points mentioned in other comments, and illustrates the connection between morning exercise and better emotional and cognitive function. It's worth a read or listen if you do audio books!

Taking Charge of Adult ADHD is a great one. I own that one and it has lots of practical tips on how to manage your ADHD.

https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492364641&sr=8-1&keywords=taking+charge+of+adult+adhd

Also, this one explains how and why our brains evolved to have executive functions in the first place:

https://www.amazon.com/Executive-Functions-What-They-Evolved/dp/146250535X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492364578&sr=8-1&keywords=executive+functions+barkley

It's more for deep understanding of human nature and why people with ADHD are so impaired.

[The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up? ](http://www.The.com/ Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing https://www.amazon.com/dp/1607747308/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_zw11Bb5Z4ZWT3)

Also, I recommend r/Decluttering for some good advice and resources.

There is a great book for partners of people with ADD who want to understand more about it and how it impacts relations:

https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

A lot of people have recommended You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!, but I haven't read it yet. I still have to finish Delivered from Distraction. In typical ADD fashion, I hyperfocused on it the first night I started reading; mind blown, felt like it would change my life; haven't picked it up since 😆

Has anyone on here read this one? https://www.amazon.com/Women-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Differences/dp/0978590929/

It's on my wishlist... Just curious :)

I was recommended a book by my psych for this very topic

https://www.amazon.ca/You-Me-Adult-D-D-Attention/dp/0981548709

My wife has always known that I had had depression. Even when we were dating. I forewarned her of what that could entail and she told me she would help in any way she could.

I am for the most part functioning though. I have a half decent job, am handy with things so keep the house going. So Im still contributing, Im just a total slob and get sidetracked easily, amongst the many other things that are discussed here daily lol

I super duper recommend this book:

https://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/0743264487

It's got an audiobook version if you can't be arsed to read (and I don't mean that as a slam! I've "read" soooo many books on tape the past several years in part because I need the distraction of riding a bike or walking a long ways in order to be able to concentrate on something like this without my mind travelling in 570523 different directions).

My partner and I got the book ADHD Effect on Marriage. This is actually the book that led me to talk with my pdoc about a diagnosis. Anyways, we found this book helpful to understanding the effects of ADHD on our relationship and some steps that allow us to handle it better.

You can get pill bottles that tell you how long it's been since you've last taken medication. You can also buy just the caps at CVS, which is what I did. They're a lifesaver.

Read several books on organizing for ADHD. When I was diagnosed, I read Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD and ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. Out of all the organizing books I've read my whole life to deal with my brain (and I've read ton because I REALLY hated people criticizing me for my messiness and carelessness), the readability and the solutions are tailored to the ADHD brain. I hope these help you get some good ideas!

I second meditation! I've been reading the [Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD](https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476 "link to Amazon") to supplement medication, and I've found it to be very helpful - plus the book itself comes with a CD & digital downloads for meditation guidance. Here's an interview with the author, if you want to check it out.

You might find this book valuable:
https://www.amazon.ca/You-Me-Adult-D-D-Attention/dp/0981548709

If you have ADHD or even "adhd-like" tendencies then you will find it helpful.
It's going to be important that your partner holds you accountable in ways that are patient and understanding in order to avoid creating a shame/avoidance cycle.

When you find someone who's actually willing to work with you, and "believes" in the challenges you face, I've found: http://www.amazon.com/The-ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Relationship/dp/1886941971 to be a very helpful book in understanding ADHD for the non-ADHD person in a relationship, and how it affects relationships for both of you...

ADHDer here. My SO and I found this book extremely helpful for understanding each other's perspectives, among other things. Your perspective and the way you have been hurting is important, too. Your GF having ADHD doesn't make your feelings invalid. I used to tell my SO that it was unfair of him to be angry at me because I can't help but be the way that I am. It took a therapist telling me it wasn't fair to expect him not to have his own reactions for me to realize that truth. It's important to try to understand each other, and to try to move forward, but it's also important to let yourself feel what you feel. Just try not to get stuck in it....

I encourage you to read the book Is it you, me, or adult ADD. The book is spot on and written for spouses of people with ADHD.

http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Recognizing-Attention-Childhood/dp/0684801280 has been the most influential of the ones I have read

First, in my opinion (from an ADD guy, so probably biased), it's not anything wrong with you. I definitely do things like that, and medicine helps a lot.

Even if it's just you, and it's a lack of willpower or whatever bull people say about it, if medication helps you focus, then it really doesn't matter. If it helps, it helps.

My psychiatrist gave me a survey to fill out, and did some tests that required concentration. I failed every one, but it probably would be hard to fail them in the right way if you weren't ADHD.

I read this a while back, and it gives really good information on what ADHD is, and what it isn't.
http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152#

Let us know what you end up doing. I'd start with that book and making an appt to see your psychiatrist.

Hello, I have ADHD-C and my wife found this book to be very helpful.

In short, no, there is absolutely no shame in wanting medication.

ADHD must be managed with medication. ADHD affects all areas of life: school/work, romantic and social relationships, sleep, mood, cognitive ability...etc. It is a chronic impairment - similar to diabetes, for example, in regards to being chronic (life long).

ADHD is not a gift (as some people like to make it out to be). It is a real and serious disorder. Adults with ADHD need to educate themselves about the disorder on what works and doesn't work - diet and exercise does not fix or cure ADHD.

What does work? MEDICATION. Why? Because this is a neurobiological disorder.

ADHD is the most treatable/manageable disorder in psychiatry. So there is no shame in asking for the proper treatment.

That being said - it will still be important for you to develop certain behaviors to help the medications help you, and for you to help yourself. You have to be disciplined. You have to find ways to motivate yourself. Some of the best ways to do that are with calendars, notes, to-do lists, keeping a planner, using apps on your phone and so forth.

And lastly, it is very common for people with ADHD to have comorbid diseases. The most common being anxiety and dysthymia (chronic mild depression). So if these (or other) comorbidities exist, treating them as well is imperative to your overall success.

EDIT: A book for you and your wife to read together, titled Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?

If she still cares, this may help: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0981548709/

Try this book - you should both read it. It's a bit scary how on point some of it is.

Written by a psychologist (I think) with an ADHD husband.

The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1886941971/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lgXYDb70D2SBZ

Good luck!