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u/ama_compiler_bot · 3 pointsr/AMA


Table of Questions and Answers. Original answer linked - Please upvote the original questions and answers.
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Question | Answer | Link
---------|----------|----------|
So...... what was wrong?|I think sometimes you meet someone and you see the great side of them, and they see that in you, and you overlook your differences. Then enough time passes and you learn to love so much about each other, but then those differences surface again, and this time you love each other far more...which makes the fear of losing the other one even more unbearable to think about. Eventually, those differences surface and you must acknowledge that maybe you just aren't all that happy together. Once you bring that emotion to light, there is no going back.|Here
Have you authored any other books? Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm far too familiar with loneliness myself.|I wrote and published a book for musicians years ago, but this is the first book that I wrote for me and not with big dollar signs attached to it. I just had so many things I wanted to say, and I needed an outlet to process my emotions that were hitting me like bullets. Art has always been there for me, in good times and bad, and this time I wanted to share how I felt with other people..I guess I just don't feel like wanting to do this all alone this time around.|Here
I don't acctually have a question I just wanted to ask you how you're doing and to say good job on the ama. Your doing a great job answering everyone's questions.|Thank you for your kind words. My friend told me to do the AMA and I am trying my best to be an open book. I am doing ok today. I have been processing this loss for months, but it being the wedding day and all, that's a bit rough. I am excited about the book though, and that really helps me smile today. Thank you for your comment. I hope you have a great day yourself.|Here
If you could pick a bouquet of poems (that aren’t your own) to describe what love is and what it means to you, what would you choose?|I would choose a book titled Words and Nothing More by Jonathan Lamoureux Horic . Beautiful, raw and real. https://www.amazon.ca/Words-Nothing-Jonathan-Lamoureux-Horic/dp/1727724038 Thanks for asking!|Here
I love to write poetry and I'm an aspiring author. How did you become published?|First off, keep writing! and Thank you for your question. I knew that I had a great shot at getting this one published through a company, but I wanted to have it available on the day that was supposed to be my wedding (I know, that in itself is poetic haha). I ended up opting for self-publishing through Amazon, as they have been a great success for me in the past with a previous book (not related to poetry). I would say that you should find a book the size and style that you like, use that book as a template for your own, and then add all of your poems to it. Also, create an account on Kindle publishing to get things set up through Amazon, and when you wan to convert your book to an ebook, simply use Fiverr.com to get the job done cheap. Please feel free to share some of your poetry with me, either here or my Instagram @instadonnelly|Here
Congratusorrlationsy?|Now that is a word I can get behind hahaha. And it sums up the day for me haha. Thank you.|Here
your book is called conversations with ghost: so what are the names of the ghosts?|That is one hell of a question. But being vague seems lame. Kristy Helena Dyane Crystal Michelle And a few that are in there by proxy. No last names for obvious reasons :) Thank you for your question.|Here
looking back, do you think the marriage would have worked or was breaking up for the best?|We had our near misses more than a few times. I think we weren't meant to make it forever. Even if I wanted to continue to try and make it all work, sometimes you just know that the intensity isn't there enough to last a life time. It's still love, but then it becomes about being best friends, and then you both forget to talk about things. It's the silence that kills love. But yeah, I would say that breaking up was the right answer. Time will tell though. Thank you for asking.|Here
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but at least it happened BEFORE you got married. I was married once...she left me for a coworker. But as they say, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." It does get better. I am happier now and although i dont agree with what she did, I am happy our relationship is over. You shouldnt want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with you. It isn't fair to either of you. We only have one life, let's make the best of it by making it what we want it to be! Stay strong, my friend ☺|Thank you for this. Yes, I almost called my book "Just Friends" because that's what they always say hahah. I really appreciate your comment. Make it a great day!|Here
How did you publish it?|I was under a time constraint so I opted to self publish through Kindle Direct Publishing. Since my last book has been successfully launched through them before, it was something I was comfortable with. I wrote the book. Had it edited. Created the cover myself. Then launched the book on KDP. It's a great service that lets you decide your pricing structure and where you want to sell your book. I do want to make it clear that it is still VERY important that you edit, re edit, and edit again for good measure, before you hit that publish button.|Here
Do you feel less lonely now or when you were with your partner?|I feel more lonely for sure, but I also feel empowered that I can focus on me for a while and try to get things right in my own life|Here
I’m literally going through the same thing. I’ve been writing a ton. How did you go about getting published?|First off, I'm sorry that you are going through the same thing, it's absolutely crushing. That's the point of my book though, I wanted to reach out with my heart and share that with others. I want anyone that cares to listen (or read in this case) to know that they are not completely alone. As for the book, I did this. 1) Found a poetry book the same shape and size that I wanted. I used that book as inspiration, and it became a template during the editing process. 2) Wrote book and then edited the book. 3) Uploaded the finished book and cover to Kindle Direct Publishing . 4) Published! Thank for your question.|Here
How did you go from breaking up to publishing a book in just 3 months? That's impressively fast considering all phases involved; even if the creative process and writing were part of you coping strategy is pretty fast.|I could see myself making two decisions, to grab the bottle and start a long journey down that rabbit hole...or, lean on art to see me through ( and yes, there was Whiskey still involved, and a ton of music! I even created a playlist on Spotify). I should note that I am still very much in the healing process. The book helped me a lot, but it didn't fully heal this wounded heart. I think anyone feeling something truly powerful emotionally should let that out in an art form. It really helps. It's like free therapy. Haha|Here
Well said. I admire how exact your description is of this unceasing temptation of lashing out and burning all bridges with greatest fire ever seen (even more so if you are in right and it would be so easy) and then describing the other way of containing yourself and accepting the pain that comes with loneliness. So no real question here, just wanted to tell you that I don't even like poetry that much, but I am looking forward to read your book!|I really appreciate your kind words. You sound like you really get where I am coming from. I just want to heal and I want her to heal, and I want what's best for everyone. I have seen far too many loves turn into hate because of uncontrolled emotions. Trust me. Healing takes time, and the process is far better when you don't spend all your time trying to be right about how the other person hurt you. If you end up getting my book, that would be incredible, and if you like it, or not, please feel free to leave a review. Aloe, I will be giving anyone who buys my book the ebook version for free when it's ready, so make sure to let me know on my Instagram account @instadonnelly|Here

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[Source] (https://github.com/johnsliao/ama_compiler)

u/danceswithronin · 1 pointr/AMA

I could have swore I replied to this, but I guess my comment got lost because I keep like, fifty fucking tabs open at a time. My bad.

ahem Anyway, it's hard for me to say if my taste differs much from an NT's sense of taste. I do feel like I taste things with more complexity(?), but I don't have much to compare it to. I can say that I started learning to cook and bake after reading and memorizing large portions of [The Professional Chef] (http://www.amazon.com/Professional-Chef-Culinary-Institute-America/dp/0470421355) and people love my food. And I taste-test it throughout the cooking process to make sure it's good, so apparently there's nothing wrong with my sense of taste. Maillard is one of my favorite words.

I hate the taste of liquor in things. I like alcoholic drinks where the taste of alcohol is completely disguised.

My favorite food is ice cream. My least favorite food is caviar.

I'm picky about the textures of foods, and I can't eat anything that smells bad (like kimchi). My sister-in-law makes this Filipino soup with tamarind and cellophane noodles that absolutely disgusts me. The smell of it drives me from the house. (Don't tell her I said that.)

I have a very strong sense of smell, which I think makes my sense of taste stronger than the average bear, but I'm not sure. I do know that certain smells which bother other people (skunk, gasoline, burning rubber, a catalytic converter) do not bother me at all. I actually think they smell pretty good. Meanwhile, some things which people think smell good (like certain flowers and perfumes) smell awful to me. I CANNOT go near a Bath and Body Works store.

I love to try cooking new and exotic things, but I personally have very simple tastes. I could happily live the rest of my life taking in nothing but coffee with milk and sugar, iced sweet tea, iced water with lemon, plain turkey sandwiches on white, and Campbell's chicken noodle or tomato soup.

Cilantro tastes like cilantro to me. Not soap. :D

u/Deradius · 6 pointsr/AMA

>I was curious, do you attempt to keep in touch with any of your students? It seems that you've had a pretty profound impact on more than a few lives you must be curious about if your work is paying off.

Yes. After I left teaching, over the years, Facebook has been a wonderful boon.

It used to be that teachers sent their students off into the world and then....

....

.... and then nothing. Never heard from them again. Teachers were left to wonder what became of their students, unless the students reached out or the teachers reached out.

However, over the years, I've had a number of my former students add me on Facebook.

The most awesome example I can think of is someone I taught tenth grade Biology to, who then added me on Facebook, then asked me where she could volunteer for research credit. She's now a student at a local community college, and I mentor her research in our chronic disease laboratory. So I get to continue working with her and watching her grow as a learner. Awesome.

For my blog, I recently did some research and tried to track down a number of my old students. I used Facebook, Google, and the county's jail records to try to figure out what happened to them, and compare it to how they said they wanted to change the world when they were in 10th grade.

Here are some links to their stories, if you're interested:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Conclusion

>Also, I haven't finished the book so if this is answered further in my new question is: What was the last book you finished and really enjoyed?

Ooh, that's a tough one. Unfortunately, most of the reading I do these days is strictly professional, so it can be tough.

I'd say 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin de Becker. I reference it a lot here on Reddit. Really good for getting an idea of other people's motivations and learning to trust your gut.

u/Corrina2017 · 1 pointr/AMA

I have been diagnosed with BPD officially for a year now. Prior to that I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2. Honestly my experience with medication hasn't been great. I totally hear you about feeling like a lab rat. Currently I am on Guanfacine, which is normally an ADD/Autism med meant to curb impulsivity. I have been on anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, and anti-depressants all of which were minimally effective and had shitty side effects. However, I HAVE SEEN MARKED IMPROVEMENT since I have started a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. DBT is similar but different than CBT, and was specifically designed for BPD. It is essentially Buddhism meets Western psych. I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY ENOUGH. I went through an intensive CBT program before starting the DBT program and didn't see any results despite a lot of effort. The entire point of DBT is learning skills to manage your reactions to triggers. You can control your brain not the other way around. I linked to the wiki page about DBT in another comment, but here's kind of the run down. A PROPER DBT program will consist of two parts, group therapy and individual therapy. In group therapy you discuss and learn skills meant to help you regulate emotions, increase stress tolerance, decrease vulnerability to triggers, and improve interpersonal relationships. You use a textbook, current edition here: https://www.amazon.com/Skills-Training-Handouts-Worksheets-Second/dp/1572307811/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=FY8PYY4YF8P0KGPYH603
and you work through the worksheets and diagrams as weekly "homework". Mindfulness exercises are also a part of group therapy, often in the form of a guided meditation. In individual therapy you work through problems you are facing in your life and see when/how to apply the skills you are learning in group. Focus is on how to deal with current issues and triggers rather than digging really deep into why you have BPD, so if you have co-morbid PTSD you should be ok ( although it does deal with how to apply skills to thoughts/feelings brought up by past trauma). Again, I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT ENOUGH. Also, be careful of half-ass programs. Like I said a proper program with have both Group and Individual therapy. Often, there are Group programs floating around on their own, which are more support groups than skills training. Do your research on a the place providing the therapy before diving in to ensure it is the full skills training. I also recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Buddha-Borderline-Recovery-Personality-Dialectical/dp/157224710X it was very inspiring.

u/kshiz · 1 pointr/AMA

Boyfriend of a recovering ED person. She has been in recovery for about a year now, and nothing comes easy with it. It is daily that she has to remind herself to keep with the program and that even when she falters, she has to get back up and get back on track.

If you are looking to recover (and congrats to that!), here are a few good first steps. You will need to find yourself a treatment program. I would suggest be starting out by going to the doctors, tell them you are bulimic, and then they will be able to recommend to you a specialist and/or treatment programs in your area. Also, do not keep it a secret anymore. By telling your friend and family will make you accountable and will be telling yourself that you in fact have a problem. This will also open the door for better support from your loved ones.

Also, please keep in mind that you need to do this for yourself and not because others are wanting you to recover. As the boyfriend, this is the hardest thing for me do do is to leave the recovery to her because I always want to fix things. She has become stronger for it though.

Also, here is a good first book to read. This book is written by a recovered ED person and it really gives a good perspective into the life and recovery involved. http://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Ed-Declared-Independence/dp/0071422986

Again, congrats on making the first step! Just make sure not to give up. It is a long road ahead, but it is well worth it in the end.

u/Ninja_Bum · 2 pointsr/AMA

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00A0RHSJO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_ep_dp_8ogezbMWQPKFX

Thats the one I got. Its pretty good and worth spendin 35 bucks on just to see if you like it or not. If not it was just 35 bucks but if you do it is gonna be a game changer. No more mud butt, endless wiping on messy days, etc.

It was pretty easy to install with basic tools. They have a higher end one that's got hot water hookups that would be cool during winter. Summer around here the cold water is warm anyway in my neck of the woods.

First time was a little weird but after that it was awesome.

u/fukenhippie · 2 pointsr/AMA

My adivce is to take action. Not doing anything will make you feel worse. /r/keto is a great place to get help working on your body. I have seen amazing results in there. Also a book that I highly recommend Mindset. If you don't feel comfortable talking to anybody at least take small steps in a positive direction. Lots of small steps add up to big achievements. Work on the things that you have under your control, yourself.

u/EBQS-Buttit · 1 pointr/AMA

Start by breaking the stereotype. Most of us started smoking to boost our self-esteem (appear cool, sophisticated or macho) but does it really improve self-esteem? The visible signs of smoking (puffy eyes, skin pigmentation, signs of early aging, infertility, erectile dysfunction, etc) damage self-esteem. Similarly, do you think nicotine is the cause of addiction? I have copied an earlier post below to help you understand smoking for what it truly is. Similarly, do you think smoking relieves your stress, makes you calm and makes you creative/productive? All the scientific evidence indicates otherwise.

If nicotine does not cause the addiction we should not expect any withdrawal symptoms. You and I both know that all quitters report withdrawal symptoms. Why is that? It is part of the nocebo effect (placebo effect but producing negative effects). We have been convinced of the fallacy that smoking causes withdrawal and guess what, our body manifests the effects. These effects have been medically documented.

Once you clear these misconceptions and the stereotype then you need to work towards breaking the cycle of quitting and relapse. Smokers are stuck in the six stages of this cycle that comprises of precontemplation-contemplation-determination-action-MAINTAINANCE-relapse. A permanent escape from this cycle is possible and is the main theme of my book.

(Hemant Poudyal. Author of Butt Out: A Scientific Approach to Quit Smoking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07Y6VLMD1)

​



Why Smoking is not Nicotine Addiction and Should not be Treated as One.

Evidence 1: The three most commonly used clinical tests for “Nicotine Addiction and dependence” (Fagerström Test for Nicotine Dependence, CAGE Questionnaire Modified for Smoking Behavior, and 4Cs test based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) do not even contain the word nicotine. These tests at best assess your dependency on cigarettes and not necessarily nicotine. Nicotine is one of 7,000 chemicals in tobacco smoke!

Evidence 2: Several scientific studies with denicotinized cigarette have shown that these nicotine-deprived cigarettes were able to relive the cravings of long-term smoker. Pleasure, satisfaction, and intoxication are the positive reinforcements of any drug that ultimately causes addiction. Since nicotine does not produce any of the three effects that reinforce an addictive behavior, it unquestionably cannot be the underlying cause of cigarette addiction. (See the original evidence below)

Evidence 3: Pure nicotine delivered through NRT does not cause addiction or dependency (Evidence below)

Evidence 4: Low tar cigarettes do not produce the same satisfaction as regular cigarettes despite the tow variants containing the same amount of nicotine. Why does nicotine not satisfy the craving when delivered through low tar cigarettes? That is because nicotine is a bystander and not the underlying cause of cigarette addiction. Smoking is a habit and a behavioral issue and must be treated as one.

​

SOURCES FOR EVIDENCE 2

[1] Rose, J. E.; Behm, F. M., et al. (2000). Dissociating nicotine and nonnicotine components of cigarette smoking. Pharmacol Biochem Behav, 67, 71-81.

[2] Brody, A. L.; Mandelkern, M. A., et al. (2009). Ventral striatal dopamine release in response to smoking a regular vs a denicotinized cigarette. Neuropsychopharmacology, 34, 282-9.

[3] Rezaishiraz, H.; Hyland, A., et al. (2007). Treating smokers before the quit date: can nicotine patches and denicotinized cigarettes reduce cravings? Nicotine Tob Res, 9, 1139-46.

[4] Barrett, S. P. and Darredeau, C. (2012). The acute effects of nicotine on the subjective and behavioural responses to denicotinized tobacco in dependent smokers. Behav Pharmacol, 23, 221-7.

[5] Barrett, S. P. (2010). The effects of nicotine, denicotinized tobacco, and nicotine-containing tobacco on cigarette craving, withdrawal, and self-administration in male and female smokers. Behav Pharmacol, 21, 144-52.

[6] Addicott, M. A.; Froeliger, B., et al. (2014). Nicotine and non-nicotine smoking factors differentially modulate craving, withdrawal and cerebral blood flow as measured with arterial spin labeling. Neuropsychopharmacology, 39, 2750-9.

[7] Gross, J.; Lee, J., et al. (1997). Nicotine-containing versus de-nicotinized cigarettes: effects on craving and withdrawal. Pharmacol Biochem Behav, 57, 159-65.

[8] Domino, E. F.; Ni, L., et al. (2013). Denicotinized versus average nicotine tobacco cigarette smoking differentially releases striatal dopamine. Nicotine Tob Res, 15, 11-21.

[9] Darredeau, C.; Stewart, S. H., et al. (2013). The effects of nicotine content information on subjective and behavioural responses to nicotine-containing and denicotinized cigarettes. Behav Pharmacol, 24, 291-7.

SOURCES FOR EVIDENCE 3

[1] Hughes, J. R.; Adams, E. H., et al. (2005). A prospective study of off-label use of, abuse of, and dependence on nicotine inhaler. Tob Control, 14, 49-54.

[2] Etter, J. F. (2007). Addiction to the nicotine gum in never smokers. BMC Public Health, 7, 159.

[3] West, R.; Hajek, P., et al. (2000). A comparison of the abuse liability and dependence potential of nicotine patch, gum, spray and inhaler. Psychopharmacology (Berl), 149, 198-202.

[4] Dar, R. and Frenk, H. (2004). Do smokers self-administer pure nicotine? A review of the evidence. Psychopharmacology (Berl), 173, 18-26.

[5] Garelik, D. A. (2010). Nicotine gum dependence treated with varenicline--a case report. Nicotine Tob Res, 12, 1041-2.

[6] Mendelsohn, C. P. (2016). Three decades of high-dose nicotine gum dependence treated with nicotine patches. Nicotine Tob Res, 18, 1220-1.

[7] Hughes, J. R.; Hatsukami, D. K., et al. (1986). Physical dependence on nicotine in gum. A placebo substitution trial. JAMA, 255, 3277-9.

[8] Etter, J. F. and Eissenberg, T. (2015). Dependence levels in users of electronic cigarettes, nicotine gums and tobacco cigarettes. Drug Alcohol Depend, 147, 68-75.

[9] Schneider, N. G.; Olmstead, R. E., et al. (2001). The nicotine inhaler: clinical pharmacokinetics and comparison with other nicotine treatments. Clin Pharmacokinet, 40, 661-84.

[10] Domino, E. F.; Ni, L., et al. (2013). Denicotinized versus average nicotine tobacco cigarette smoking differentially releases striatal dopamine. Nicotine Tob Res, 15, 11-21.

[11] Brody, A. L.; Mandelkern, M. A., et al. (2009). Ventral striatal dopamine release in response to smoking a regular vs a denicotinized cigarette. Neuropsychopharmacology, 34, 282-9.

[12] Rezaishiraz, H.; Hyland, A., et al. (2007). Treating smokers before the quit date: can nicotine patches and denicotinized cigarettes reduce cravings? Nicotine Tob Res, 9, 1139-46.

[13] Barrett, S. P. and Darredeau, C. (2012). The acute effects of nicotine on the subjective and behavioural responses to denicotinized tobacco in dependent smokers. Behav Pharmacol, 23, 221-7.

[14] Barrett, S. P. (2010). The effects of nicotine, denicotinized tobacco, and nicotine-containing tobacco on cigarette craving, withdrawal, and self-administration in male and female smokers. Behav Pharmacol, 21, 144-52.

[15] Addicott, M. A.; Froeliger, B., et al. (2014). Nicotine and non-nicotine smoking factors differentially modulate craving, withdrawal and cerebral blood flow as measured with arterial spin labeling. Neuropsychopharmacology, 39, 2750-9.

[16] Gross, J.; Lee, J., et al. (1997). Nicotine-containing versus de-nicotinized cigarettes: effects on craving and withdrawal. Pharmacol Biochem Behav, 57, 159-65.

[17] Rose, J. E.; Behm, F. M., et al. (2000). Dissociating nicotine and nonnicotine components of cigarette smoking. Pharmacol Biochem Behav, 67, 71-81.

[18] Darredeau, C.; Stewart, S. H., et al. (2013). The effects of nicotine content information on subjective and behavioural responses to nicotine-containing and denicotinized cigarettes. Behav Pharmacol, 24, 291-7.

u/ryandonnellyauthor · 10 pointsr/AMA

I would choose a book titled Words and Nothing More by Jonathan Lamoureux Horic .
Beautiful, raw and real.

https://www.amazon.ca/Words-Nothing-Jonathan-Lamoureux-Horic/dp/1727724038

Thanks for asking!

u/MrsToneZone · 2 pointsr/AMA

Check out this book: Forgive for Good. I hope you find some peace.

u/psychswot · 1 pointr/AMA

On that note there's an amazing book called Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. The language was a bit cringe-y for me, but it does a very good job of taking you and your partner gradually through step-by-step to rebuilding positive sexual intimacy after abuse.

Link : http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0062130730?pc_redir=1408080583&robot_redir=1

u/AskMeAbout_Sharks · 2 pointsr/AMA

Have you ever read the book, How To Lie With Statistics? Really, the only part of college statistics that I have retained is how to lie with numbers, while still being technically mathematically correct. You should step up your lie game. Practice makes perfect! https://www.amazon.com/How-Lie-Statistics-Darrell-Huff/dp/0393310728/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526650890&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+lie

u/JaguarE-Type · 1 pointr/AMA

If you binge watched them you could get them done in as little as two days. As a 16 year old during summer, I've done it. Also there are 8 movies, the last book was split into 2.

Movies on Amazon if you're interested.

Books

The books take significantly longer to finish obviously.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me. I've read and watched the whole series 10 times.

u/FCSFCS · 2 pointsr/AMA

You might not find any one who's willing to answer, but if you're interested in more information, I can point you here and here.

u/andreagassi · 1 pointr/AMA

Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (blue and white) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00A0RHSJO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Zq.JxbFA00H3R

Here you go buddy

u/p0ultrygeist1 · 1 pointr/AMA

PreserVision AREDS 2 Vitamin & Mineral Supplement 120 Count Soft Gels https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00DJUK8HS/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_wqK1CbG9B25HT

Here’s the vitamins.

Let me know if your doctor has any treatment ideas!

u/jdhvd3 · 2 pointsr/AMA

PreserVision AREDS 2 Vitamin & Mineral Supplement 120 Count Soft Gels https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00DJUK8HS/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_wqK1CbG9B25HT

u/hardrockclassic · 1 pointr/AMA





"Disney is so good at being good that it manifests an evil; so uniformly efficient and courteous, so dependably clean and conscientious, so unfailingly entertaining that it's unreal, and therefore is an agent of pure wickedness. . . . Disney isn't in the business of exploiting Nature so much as striving to improve upon it, constantly fine-tuning God's work."
--from Team Rodent : How Disney Devours the World by Carl Hiaasen

u/SushiAndWoW · 1 pointr/AMA

> may I ask why you are so curious about BPD?

I haven't been able to move on from having feelings about a person who cut off contact with me in circumstances I haven't been able to make sense of. The whole time we talked, there was a come closer / keep away dynamic to it. We were crazy about each other, we exchanged a bunch of messages and texts, but she remained reluctant to meet. She was anxious and afraid; she seemed concerned about what I might think of her if I met her, but didn't want to explain. I know for a fact that she exists and looks like her pictures, so that's not it. We told each other our life stories, I never once caught her in a lie - yet she insisted I don't know her, and that I have no idea who she is.

There was a real obstacle that prevented us from meeting. She's married, and not in an open relationship (I am). I was forward and reckless, and destroyed her husband's opinion of me. So yes, that's reasonable grounds for termination of contact... Except that, for the longest time, she couldn't do it. She wanted me in her life, perhaps as much as I wanted her, until...

I still can't tell if she manufactured the conflict, or if it was real. Perhaps both? We had a couple of big misunderstandings where I was admittedly being an ass; but no attempt to explain myself helped, it only seemed to make things worse. I had no idea how to deal with it. Then the final straw was the most banal thing... She argued Romney would have made a better president than Obama, whereas I argued they're both different flavors of the same thing. I called her young and inexperienced. She told me I have one chance to apologize, or that's the end. I refused. She'd had me groveling the past few days, and I felt I had to stand up for myself. So that was it.

I thought that this would last a week. Nope. She said forever, and meant it.

That was in August 2013, and I'm sorry to say she hasn't left my mind for a day since. I can't explain why it must be her I can't forget, why she must be the one who's meant this much to me. It's not just that she's attractive. It's not because she's "crazy". I've been with a number of women before her and after, so I have something to compare - yet I can't point to any individual aspect of her and say, "That's it."

So I've been left with all these unanswered questions, trying to make sense of what she never revealed. What did she mean when she said she was crazy? Why her obsession with routine? Why does she have this rigid, rule-based approach to relationships? She seems to care about people deeply, so why does she so often seem to flunk basic empathy? Where do her panic attacks and anxiety fit in? What of her tendency to drink, the self-harm in her past, her impulsivity? What of her erratic mood swings? Why did she see insults in observations that meant nothing of the sort - and was seemingly completely unable to handle criticism? Why did she tell me everything about herself - and then claim I know nothing about her?

At first, I felt cruelly betrayed and angry. I grew convinced she was a narcissist. But she isn't. If she manipulates, she doesn't do it on purpose. She claimed she lied to me, but I never identified a lie in any detail. I suspect the "lie" was her presenting herself as more "together" than she really thinks she is.

So I figured, she must be suffering from something; perhaps she doesn't even know the diagnosis. I suspected Asperger's at first. It would explain her need for routine; her reliance on rationality and rules instead of empathy in relationships; her caring about people - yet simultaneously having trouble comprehending their feelings; her need for safety; and last but not least, her tendency to burn bridges. (I was not the first with whom she did this.)

So I read several books on Asperger's, especially in females, but it didn't explain everything. I sort of knew there must be something else - or at least, something in addition to this. I suspected bipolar or borderline, but it felt intrusive for me to keep looking further. Throughout this time, I still try to reach her by writing her letters at 1-2 month intervals. I hoped, one day she would reply, and I might learn from her the rest of the story...

But then you posted this topic, and... I saw a lot of her in what you wrote. The article you linked to led me to The Buddha and the Borderline, which I am reading now, and it's just so... striking. This is it. She is not Kiera, but a big part of her is like this:

I have all the symptoms: I have chronic feelings of emptiness and an unstable sense of self. I'm suicidal and self-harming, and I frantically avoid abandonment and rejection no matter what the cost. My relationships are stormy and intense, and my perceptions can shift between black and white at the drop of a hat. My emotions are out of control, I freak out when stressed, and others often find my anger inappropriate.

It's probably coincidence - but in Chapter 8, I chuckled at that the author even has the same favorite music:

The only music that satisfies me is Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor's voice crying through industrial rhythms. In the August evenings, I lie on my bed with earphones, letting his laments roll through me like unrepentant thunderstorms. I envy the courage that carries his voice into the world. He doesn't berate himself for pain and anger; he howls. And this delights me, even though I feel ashamed when my own rage comes to the surface. My anger doesn't signify courage; it's just more confirmation that I'm bad.

I'm 17 months and 1,600 miles away from her, and lacking a couple of degrees, so - I can't diagnose her with BPD. But reading this may help me understand the pressures inside her. Why she kept insisting I don't know her. Why she felt she was hiding, and feared I would judge her if she opened up. It doesn't bring her back into my life. It doesn't explain why I can't forget her. But... It might at least provide some of the answers I seek.

You've answered some questions that I would like to ask of her. I thank you for this.