Top products from r/Adoption

We've used this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Mother-Choco-Paperstar-Keiko-Kasza/dp/0698113640

and this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Tell-Again-About-Night-Born/dp/0064435814/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KXWRZ8XANMAVDAPZYHRJ

and this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Wished-You-Adoption-Marianne-Richmond/dp/1934082066/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1934082066&pd_rd_r=VQQX0YJDRY9ZENP34DA7&pd_rd_w=bupmJ&pd_rd_wg=FbnwR&psc=1&refRID=VQQX0YJDRY9ZENP34DA7

and this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Day-Met-Aladdin-Picture-Books/dp/0689809646/ref=pd_sim_14_13?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0689809646&pd_rd_r=F1RS4C5VVNAKP65QV8JR&pd_rd_w=CdcFC&pd_rd_wg=DGunr&psc=1&refRID=F1RS4C5VVNAKP65QV8JR

and we've had a lot of talks about her birth family and how sometimes someone loves you so much that they send you to a family who can protect you and keep you safe.

Kids read your anxiety as much as they hear your words. I know it's hard, but it's important to tell yourself that even though she is having these feelings, you have the rest of your lives to get it right, and she's not going anywhere. Calm yourself as much as you can, smile and tell her you love her.

Do you lie down with her at night at bedtime? One of use does this every night, and we always answer any questions she has as she's falling asleep, and we remind her that we love her, that she is special, that she is safe with us, and that we will be here for her forever.

Every night.

Good luck.

I don't have any particular advice for a single a guy trying to adopt, but I'm a guy and wanted to adopt long before it was feasible for me to do it. My wife and I are now in the process, but it wasnt sometching she had really thought about before we were married.

If you are interested in adopting internationally, the Complete Book of International Adoption includes information about countries who will allow single parents to adopt. I'm not as familiar with domestic adoptions, but I'm sure there are local agencies who work with single parents as well.

If you can wait, however, I think that a two parent house provides a more stable environment for a child; though a single parent permanent adoption is probably better than long term foster care or, in some countries, an orphanage.

One difficulty with single parent adoption will be attaching to the child, especially if you must put them in child care while you are working. Attachment can be difficult if it is not clear to the child who their primary care provider is.

Aren't there books on the 'story of how you were adopted' that you can read to kids? I'm no expert, certainly, but as someone who would like to adopt, I've thought something like that might be a good way to ease into the child's story without making it a big deal. It might also help you figure out how to word things so he doesn't feel abandoned. Maybe?

Here's an example, but look up 'adoption story book' on amazon and there's are a lot of them:

adoption story

There is a book called The Open-Hearted Way to Adoption:Helping your Child grow up Whole by Lori Holden that I read while preparing for our homestudy that might be at least a little helpful. The agency really should have helped with talking over what both parties wanted open adoption to look like. Have they tried contacting the agency and they're not answering? I would be showing up on their door step, your friend paid for this help and they both deserve it.

It's only been three months. She's probably lost more than one caregiver, and she doesn't know if you're sticking around either. I mean, you still have work to do re: attachment, but don't stress too much, because this isn't that unusual.

I don't have personal experience with getting a child to attach, but I've heard of some books that are pretty good: Attaching in Adoption, Parenting the Hurt Child. Hopefully you get some tips from adoptive parents here!

Interesting you should ask this question today, since today's Vice "Young Americans" column is about what it's like growing up "Asian" in America: http://www.vice.com/youngamericans/the-asian-american-experience?utm_source=vicetumblrus

This is a humorous rendering of a problem a lot of my Asian-American friends have faced growing up in the US: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWynJkN5HbQ

You'll find more adoption-specific questions answered in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001

If you have questions about the process you're about to go through, I used to work at the world's largest, oldest China adoption agency, CCAI, so if you have questions about the process I might be able to answer basic questions, but for the most up-to-date and accurate info, I'd advise you to just call CCAI and directly ask your questions of the professionals (ask for Sarah H, (303) 850-9998). It doesn't matter if you're planning to adopt from a different agency, they rules are set by China, so the process is basically the same regardless of what agency you go through.

There are a few main ways to become an adoptive parent: Foster-to-Adopt, domestic private adoption, international adoption. I know the least about international adoption, so I won't address that at all.

With Foster-to-Adopt, you can set parameters for children you are willing to foster. I have known people to foster babies straight from the hospital and then go on to adopt them. I think this is most likely to happen when the baby is born with clear drug exposure, so that is something you need to consider. (In-utero drug exposure is not quite as scary as many people think it is, but it definitely can have consequences, so do your research.) Also, when you foster you always know that the biological family may fix the problems that led them to lose custody, and you may lose custody to them. The younger the child, the more likely I think this is to happen. You will have to decide if this is something you can handle.

For domestic adoptions, infants are more common than older kids. But this is quite expensive and can be time consuming. There is still risk with this approach - the mother may intend to have an adoption plan and then change her mind, and you may still lose some or all of the money you have invested in the process. (Remember that the money you pay your agency/attorney is for their services - you are not buying a baby, and if the mother decides to parent, those services you paid for still happened.)

Some resources that I have found helpful:

http://www.openadopt.org/about-us/resources Includes information about Open Adoption, drug exposure, transracial adoption, and more. (Other agencies have similar pages.)

"You Can Adopt" - An introductory book that covers some basic information about different ways to adopt and things to consider. There is not a lot of nitty-gritty info, but I found it to be a helpful place to start.

Best wishes!

This might be of interest to you:

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748

There are also some good presentations from Bessel Van der Kolk on Youtube on the same subject.

Live Empowered!: Rewire Your Brain's Implicit Memory to Thrive in Business, Love, and Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07N2YN1GK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rQyACb2H5WFK4

Your black child shouldn't be your first black friend. Go seek help from the black community. Buy black dolls, books, connect with people of color.

Read books. https://www.amazon.com/Their-Voices-Americans-Transracial-Adoption/dp/0231172214

Join transracial adoption groups online and in real life.

Learn how to do their hair. Don't say you're color blind. She should be raised as a black child

Completely personal but the book "Yo, Yes" was a favorite in our house when my son was little -- partially because of the interracial context.

The commenters here are spot on and yes, this way of thinking takes adjustment. These people will be your child's family no matter what you do. Sometimes inlaws are a pain, you can't control your crazy mother/brother, and you can't control them. You can only control how you act and what boundaries you set.

HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Open-Hearted-Way-Open-Adoption-Helping/dp/1442217391

I was read that book as a kid, too. Also, http://www.amazon.com/Tell-Again-About-Night-Born/dp/0064435814 is a good one

a) My family was supportive of adoption in general, but terribly ignorant about the difficulties that kids from the system have.

b) Do one, do both, do neither. It is your life, live it as you wish ;) Maybe that is glib, but I'm certainly not in the position to tell you how to populate your nest.

c) Kids who come from the foster care system have generally experienced pretty tough things, often from extended periods of time. Ultimately, these kids need a new home, a new family, a forever family because the court has decided that their biological family is unable to provide a safe, healthy environment - AND - that there are no other family willing or able to take the kids.

The training that you receive as a foster partner will hardly scratch the surface of what is required to deal with the kids and their sometimes extensive needs. Just the logistics of it all can be overwhelming. And the behaviors they exhibit can be downright terrifying or just make no sense. Most of these behaviors, in one way or another, can be attributed to chronic exposure to abusive, unsafe, environments. Kids develop ways to cope with these situations that are unsafe, unhelpful or downright bizarre outside of that context.

I would suggest starting down this path by reading a few books, in particular:

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook--What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing

http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Who-Raised-Psychiatrists-Notebook--What/dp/0465056539/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377749374&sr=1-1&keywords=the+boy+who+was+raised+as+a+dog


Good luck.

When I was little I was a fan of [Are You My Mother] (https://smile.amazon.com/Mother-Bright-Early-Board-Books/dp/0679890475)

Absolutely. It is a topic that was covered extensively in our adoption education training as adoptive parents. Regardless of age when adopted, it is a traumatic event and can lead to a lot of feelings of loss/grief throughout life. I haven't read this book personally, but I've heard a lot of people recommend The Body Keeps the Score on the topic.

Beyond Consequences by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post.

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451913113&sr=1-1&keywords=beyond+consequences+logic+and+control

We used to have The Family Book.

http://www.amazon.com/Birthright-Reunion-Adoptees-Birthparents-Adoptive/dp/0140512950

We found Parenting the Hurt Child quite good, even though our son did not experience any abuse or neglect.

Just remain positive and supportive!!! She may not want to talk about all the negative feelings she's having. Reinforce that she's done a wonderful thing for the baby and the couple. Let her know that she can talk with you about any good or negative feelings she's having. It may take a couple months until she's comfortable talking about it very openly. (It took me about four-five months to stop feeling super depressed like I just wanted to die.) Now I really like talking about the adoption and the baby. But she will be going through the stages of grief; even though her baby didn't die, her baby is gone from her, so she'll still be experiencing A LOT of grief over this loss. Allow her the space and time to grief. It's not a process you can rush; it's something that comes and goes throughout life. Just call her sometimes. Check up on her. Don't forget about her. Ask her how she is. Don't forget about her!!!!! She probably already feels very isolated because it's not a normal decision anyway to place a child for adoption, and there are still people out there who think it's a crime to give up your "own flesh and blood." You can ask her directly about the baby and the adoption. Sometimes I refrain from talking about it to people who already know about it because I think they must be tired of hearing about it or aren't interested, but I'm always happy to have the opportunity to talk about it when someone asks me a question about it. Being able to retell stories and talk about our grief to another person is a very important step in being able to process grief over a loss. It does wonders to be able to have someone else be sympathetic and understanding about the situation. And of course, you won't be able to understand completely what she's feeling right now unless you too have lost a child in some way, but you can still listen and give her your support.

Some birthmothers don't like certain terms such as "giving up a child" for adoption or "surrendering" a child or "gifting" a child. Personally, I couldn't care less. But you could ask her. To be safe, you can say the child was "placed" for adoption. I haven't yet heard anyone being offended by that wording.

>I'm trying very hard not to let my own sadness known to her or let it effect any support I can give her.

Exactly. If you care about her and her well-being, do not tell her that it makes you sad. If she's sad, you can make it clear that you do empathize with her sadness, but don't tell her something like "your decision makes me sad" because that can convey a mixed message like maybe you disapprove, and that would be the opposite of what she needs right now. And it may make her not want to talk to you about the adoption anymore. She's going to be overly and sometimes irrationally sensitive for a while. She'll eventually get better.

EDIT: If you want to send her a gift, you could send her this book. It's primarily about death, but it has resonated with me a lot regarding grieving the placement of my bio child for adoption. Or you could just send her some body wash or lotion! That's always nice.

How about And Tango Makes Three by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson? Other books are listed in the "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" section. PS don't read the customer reviews unless you want to blow a gasket at the stupidity of people.

Amazon