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I am currently dealing with the same issue (along with a host of other things) since this January when I had an emotional break and realized that I need to deal with my ACoA issues.

I'm a 42M, married 14 years, with 2 kids....and I was essentially sleepwalking through my life...and behaving in ways that alienated almost everyone...and almost ended my marriage.

What changed things? Well first the realization that I have these issues and that it's not my fault that I'm this kind of fucked up....BUT it is my responsibility to do something about it. This book really helped me understand things:

Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1558741127/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_BktBDb5N5076D

Second was finding the right therapist and going weekly. This cadence was right for me at the start.... Recently I'm down to every 2 weeks but we will see how long that keeps up for. She's great because she calls me out on bullshit and bad behaviour...and is a fantastic guide who helps me see things in a different perspective... Yet she still lets me learn my own lessons... Which is how you grow (you don't want someone that just tells you the answers).

Third was working really hard on undoing the conditioning that my childhood built in to me. I have been behaving this way for most of my life so the work is slow and endless but progress is incredibly rewarding.

In 7 months I have saved my marriage (literally... We were like roommates and not romantic partners at all...and it's not perfect but it's better than I can remember it ever being), I am learning to feel and process emotions.. which means I'm not a robot anymore (people used to call me Data (Star Trek TNG reference) in a loving way), and I'm a better father, husband, friend, and man...

All because I'm learning to be the authentic ME instead of pretending to be who I thought everyone else wanted/needed.

Don't get me wrong... There are really, really, crushingly difficult days where I wish I could go back to sleepwalking through life...and there are even harder days where the weight of the work I will have to do the rest of my life makes me seriously consider (for 1 second) "tapping out" and stepping in front of a train... But then I think about all those people that love and care about the "real" or "new" me...and I put my head down and keep doing the work.

Good luck and please reach out if you'd like to talk!

"Adult Children in recovery strive to go from an emotional child in an adult's body to an adult with a child-like side. Recovery is an ongoing process with many paths and detours and side trips. Recovering from childhood issues can be a lifetime endevour, but healing IS possible". Now there really is no easy way out of your situation. If your mother is not ready to start detox and the path to recovery, you have to remove yourself from that situation, in any way possible. If moving out is somehow not possible, maybe you can try to find a way so the drinking of your mother doesn't affect you as much. You will have to let go of feeling like you need to protect your parent, let go of the responsibilities that are pushed upon you. If there is a way to involve your mother in this that would be good, tell her how you feel and what you need, if she doesn't cooperate then don't look back. It will hurt, a lot, but there is no other way, im sorry. If there was an easy way i would tell you, and maybe there is one but i haven't found it so far. Just know that you deserve to be happy and live your own life, and not be held back by something you have no control over. If you got any questions you can send me a PM, im assuming i was in pretty much the same situation you are a couple months ago, it can and will get better if you take the necessary steps. Also, if you need some reading material read this. It helped me a lot, maybe it can do the same for you. I wish you all the best.

First of all sorry to hear about your childhood. I wasn't in a alcoholics family, but I was in a broken family so I do understand where you are coming from.


Being brought up in a unstable/chaotic family will surely have its scars and as kids we will blame ourself for whats going on in the family. My defence mechanism was being a rebel. When I was at school I was loyal to my friends a lot, not so much to others who 'normally' should be respected such as my mom or teachers. Also, I realise this because my dad pointed it out but, when I was in secondary school I was always out with my friends at internet cafes and was always home late. The reason was because it was my escape from the toxic environment in the house.


But right now I'm more the Lost Child. I'm not very social and most of the time I like being alone. I suggest you read this and this. It doesn't explore everything but its a good starter.




Recently some events did remind myself about my childhood, and started to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward again, and if you haven't read it yet i'd highly recommend you read it. It's my third time reading it and every time I realise something in me, or something about my friends.

Hey, good work.

I can recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Syndrome-Discovery/dp/0553272799/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1523936794&sr=8-6&keywords=adult+children+of+alcoholics+book

> I was much younger than everyone there and my problems weren’t as serious it seemed

As an objective 3rd party I'd say that its a great idea to keep going, occasionally, and pay attention. Ask questions. Be honest that you feel a little out of place there and that things aren't too bad at the moment. Its possible you can take the lack-of-problems opportunity to help someone else with an ear and a sincere voice, and its possible you'll learn a lot about how bad things can get and how to work towards preventing that.

These books

Parenting from the inside out https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HZ1E5BM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

as well as:

Attached https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1_ha?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1496770776&sr=1-1&keywords=attached

were both recommended books by my T.

The latter is more focused on you yourself where as the first one is focused on how you can understand your own attachment as well as how to parent with a more secure attachment

There's a book by Pete Walker called The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame. The second chapter, Forgiveness as Denial, talks a lot about this. The entire book is gold, though. Pleasepleasepleaseplease read it because 1.) I am going to fuck up summarizing it 2.) the entire book is gold and 3.) I felt the same "Shouldn't I/you just let it go?" from self and others, and Pete Walker explains why this causes INJURY. I wish for you to be able to protect yourself and your right to grieve.

It's US$8.99 for the Kindle version; I don't know how much it is on Audible because it's not showing me because it's already in my library.

Edit: The sample you can see on Amazon is amazing and I hope convinces you to look into it.

Edit 2: The first part of the chapter I told you about is actually included in the tail end of the sample.

I struggle with this, too. It has been very painful for me to realize that I have parenting blind spots that were (of course!) just not visible to me until I realized that my own damage (or adaptations or whatever word you prefer) from my upbringing is significant and pervasive.

This isn't specifically a book for ACOA people, but I really like it, it's the most useful parenting book I've read, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen"

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

It's still hard, though. I regularly run into triggers where I realize that I have deep veins of stuff I haven't worked through. I'd love more resources for parenting as an ACOA, too.

Hey I was reading through my journal today and remembered something I read in the The Complete ACOA Sourcebook about being in a victim role. When you grow up like we have, sometimes you gain this victim role where you are constantly relating everything back to yourself. I totally do that and frequently feel like a piece of narcissistic shit because of it. Anyway, learning about how to overcome your role is important in getting past it.


Additional advice: don't just Google this stuff because there's so much unhelpful and toxic information. The book I linked was recommended by my therapist and I love it.

I am a 51 yo ACOA and found this book (suggested here on Adult Children) to be a great help. I would urge you to read it. It really helped me understand a lot about myself.

I would suggest a few things - ACA meetings are fantastic!

But there's a lot of places that don't have one.... so...

Get yourself a therapist.

The following books might be helpful (in order): Silent Sons by Ackerman, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, The ACA Workbook - (this one is full of journalling questions, and you can do it by yourself or with a therapist), and Codependent No More by Beattie.

Edit: a word

Don't know your story, but a friend of mine recommended "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson.

Find here.

Really helped me to understand how my childhood (alcoholic father, bipolar mother) has affected my relationships and sense of self as an adult.

Hey, Beyond Addiction is a personal fave, and there's a list of other books recs here. Thinking of you!

Hi. I read The Courage to Heal (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01097MG8C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) while doing
CBT and being able to process my emotions around childhood abuse with a trained professional helped me enormously.

Personally, at an early stage of processing the trauma, I wouldn't recommend talking about it in a group setting that isn't known to be 100% safe and supporting for trauma survivors, with a trained facilitator present. Yes, you might trigger others but just as important, you might not get what you need and feel retraumatized as a result.

These are my two favorites. They're accessible and to the point. Best of luck in your recovery. It's not any easy road, but it's worth it.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Healing the Shame that Binds You

It's cool that you are willing to do the legwork. Read the literature. Book specifically for SOs of ACAs. https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Adult-Child-Alcoholic-Douglas/dp/1590771176.

I'm reading a really insightful book called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. PTSD applies well to people who have experienced a short-lived traumatic event, like a motor vehicle accident or natural disaster. C-PTSD, however, can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape, such as childhood abuse, domestic violence, or captivity. Growing up with an alcholic parent can most definitely cause C-PTSD, in my opinion. I wonder if this might be something you want to read and see if you relate to? And if you're not already seeing a counselor/therapist regularly, I have found for myself that truly makes the biggest difference. I really hope you feel better soon. PM me if you ever need to chat. :)

*edited to add a link to the book.

Have him read this: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Here is the mobile version of your link

Try starting [here] (https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X)

I relate to what you are dealing with - it took me so long to see that I was not at fault. What she told you probably resounds with the child inside you. All children take on the blame of a parent's chaotic behavior - we are genetically programmed to do this (Van ser kolk)it's like Stockholm syndrome. Of course it feels wrong to believe that you are faultless, but you truly are. She was sick.