Top products from r/BDSMcommunity
We found 345 product mentions on r/BDSMcommunity. We ranked the 837 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.
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1. The New Bottoming Book
Sentiment score: 26
Number of reviews: 28
The New Bottoming Book by Easton and HardyExtras-Adult Books
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2. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
Sentiment score: 26
Number of reviews: 25
Adults OnlyAdult Books InstructionalScrew the Roses Send Me the Thorns Book
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4. The New Topping Book
Sentiment score: 16
Number of reviews: 15
The New Topping Book by Easton and HardyExtras-Adult Books
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5. When Someone You Love is Kinky
Sentiment score: 10
Number of reviews: 13
Greenery Press CA
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6. Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage
Sentiment score: 6
Number of reviews: 11
The Seductive Art Of Japanese Bondage Book By Midori
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7. Douglas Kent's Complete Shibari: Land: 1
Sentiment score: 9
Number of reviews: 11
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8. The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant
Sentiment score: 42
Number of reviews: 10
The Loving Dominant
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9. Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook
Sentiment score: 8
Number of reviews: 10
Erotic Bondage Handbook
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10. SPORTSHEETS - Under the Bed Restraint System
Sentiment score: 9
Number of reviews: 9
ALWAYS TRUST THE ORIGINAL: The Under the Bed Restraint System is a SPORTSHEETS original - that's right, we invented it. Many have tried, but none have matched the quality or comfort of our innovative bondage kit created to quench your curiosity.DESIGNED WITH COMFORT IN MIND: Soft, adjustable neopren...
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11. Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macram
Sentiment score: 19
Number of reviews: 9
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12. Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes
Sentiment score: 20
Number of reviews: 7
Green Candy Press
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13. Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage
Sentiment score: 17
Number of reviews: 6
A Step-by-Step Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage
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15. Look Into My Eyes: How To Use Hypnosis To Bring Out The Best In Your Sex Life
Sentiment score: 3
Number of reviews: 6
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16. Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
Sentiment score: 3
Number of reviews: 6
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17. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
Sentiment score: 6
Number of reviews: 6
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18. The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance
Sentiment score: 4
Number of reviews: 6
The sensual art of man handling made easy
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19. Miller Hot Shot Sabre Six Stock Prod
Sentiment score: 0
Number of reviews: 5
Battery Operated Prod for Moving LivestockPermanently Sealed Maintenance Free Motor Resists Damage by Dirt or MoistureComes with Interchangeable 36Rigid Fiberglass ShaftSS36
A really great place to start is this BDSM FAQ. There's a whole subreddit there, but that landing page is the perfect place to get your bearings.
Another great place to start is to take these quizzes:
BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.
https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)
https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)
I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.
SM 101 is also a good place to start.
Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.
This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.
This is a post I made with a lot of links for people who want to get started with rope bondage.
- After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)
- Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.
- Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.
- Decide on a safeword. On this subreddit, we like Red for "let's stop right now" and Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch." Green means "all good, let's keep going." (It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)
- Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.
- Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.
- Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.
- Come to r/BDSMcommunity and r/BDSMAdvice, and ask questions! We love helping newbies!
Ok, that's better.
First, don't put too much weight on yourself. The fact that she cannot have an orgasm with you right now doesn't necessarily mean that you suck (ha !) at sex. That's what i feel from your post, so don't. Maybe she's not too sure about her fantasies, feel guilty of having those, or anything. From what i know of woman, if you put some guilt, self doubt, image issue whatever in the mix, and you can block the whole thing. So be supportive, listen to her, reassure her but you need to relax on her inability to orgasm yet. Most of the time, trust and comfort will help her relax and be more in sync with you. Maybe some woman could give you more insight on that point.
For the mental part. Think of BDSM like a play with characters. Imagine the man who symbolize for you the ideal dominant (mine is robert downey jr by example) and take that as a role model. What would he do, what would he say, his posture, his look etc ... BDSM is a lot about how you project things and how other perceive that. So first rule, if you doubt of your dominance, other will feel it. When a dom order his sub, he doesn't let her have any other choice but to obey. What can helps you with that (at least it helped me) is think one move ahead, you'll seem assertive because your order will feel like one small part of something bigger. Imagine a boss telling you to finish the report for Monday and put it on his desk first hour. There is no negotiation, and doesn't have any interest in the fact you have tennis that day, the only thing he cares about is if you understood correctly what he wants. Some wisdom from the joker "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying". Basically, if you seems to know what you do, people who trust you will follow. Be casual when you order your sub around, screaming sound like overcompensation when people don't listen to you. When I order my sub around, i talk slowly and calmly. I know that' she's listening, so i just explain to her what's going to happen.
Now for the expectation part. I was in the same place as you some years ago. My sub was very experienced (several years with a Master with decades of experience) and I was very inexperienced. First step, accept that you're inexperienced. You're not broken or whatever, you just don't know yet. It's ok. If you have a good communication, she already know that maybe you'll be awkward, clumsy, breaking character the first time, again it's ok. Don't worry about it. Things became awkward when you let them be awkward. One time i remember, i was pouring hot wax on her, all domy and stuff, I move her on the table to change position, and i put the candle on the table. The only thing that could have happened, happened. The candle fell on my foot, and you bet your ass I screamed and run like a little girl across the room... I was just surprised and honestly lots of anxiety didn't help. We stopped, had a good laugh, a good fuck and just went to sleep. Did that event hurt in any way our relationship ? Not at all, actually it's good and fun memories. So don't worry, screwing up isn't an option, what you can choose is how you decide to own your mistakes. Furthermore, you have to remember that we talk about sexual stuff here, sex is fun, if you don't have fun, you're doing something wrong.
i can guarantee you that a simple slap across the face (again discuss that before) or a simple over the knee spanking with the right attitude, look, voice and all will have ten times more effects than trying to act a very complex suspension scene you're not familiar with. So stay "in your league" and advance slowly, one step at the time. Going slow will also allow you to build a dominant character because it doesn't happen overnight. What makes all the BDSM plays possible can be reduced at how credible your character is. There are lots of dom archetypes, some are nice, some are mean, other have high protocol, other are more casual, some are more physical, other more mental and psychological. You need to find the one you want to be, and start to act (in play of course) like him. Your final dynamic is the mix of your wants and her needs and wants. There is no two person on earth who will enjoy an identical set of kinks. Just imagine, a checklist have hundred of entry each can be noted from 0 to 5 for how much you enjoy it and 0 to 5 for how difficult is that for you. That's an infinite amount of possible combinations. So every relationship need to negotiate all the time, to find a common ground. That's why we value communication so much and advice new comers to first establish an open, clear and non judgmental like of communication. Lots of people think they have an unbiased and perfect communication, but when you think that's the case, it's just the start really. Those level of communication need a very high level of trust in your partner.
To summarize :
Now some homework !
Read that. Maybe not especially for you but i give the link to all new dom, so ...
BDSM checklist for her. Something that could help with shy people is make them write a fantasy. Writing can help express thing you cannot say out loud (for your con non-con suspicion)
There are several books linked in the resource section of /r/bdsmfaq . Screw the roses, send me the thorns is one of my favorite.
For the mental aspect, you can read the Control Book by Masters. Also the New topping (and bottoming) book. In terms of books about psychological aspect of BDSM you have a very wide range of available book because you can learn from dog traning book to old "Good wife guide" kind of book (for 50's household), field manual for prisoners interrogation (i'm into interrogation play). Magic tricks book (for mindfuck). It really depends on what play you're interested in.
Take care, and have fun.
> I really appreciate your reply and I'm inspired by the success you describe in your relationship.
I'm happy to have inspired you! May your relationship continue to grow and be successful as well.
> It's also hard for me to remember that there is no "BDSM" but many type and flavors which can be dictated and dealt with by each person every time. I felt that being a "submissive" meant I should go totally passive. This I realize now doesn't have to be the case.
Yes, even if it is hard for you to remember, you seem to definitely have a handle on it from an intellectual standpoint - that's good! I really highly recommend you check out The New Bottoming Book if you can. There is a really great blog post titled Bottoming Skills which is just chock full of really great information for you as a bottom as opposed to a submissive.
What your BDSM looks like will probably not look like what other's BDSM looks like, and that's a good thing, because it's your BDSM!
> I can't tell you how relieving that is!
I am so happy to have lifted some weight off your shoulders. It might help your partner if you let him know a little bit about your initial confusion and subsequent dread at the idea of being completely passive in the manner you found others describing. Then, tell him what you see yourself acting like, or at least that you'd rather try just being "natural" and seeing how you react!
> One thing you made me think of is this - when he encourages me to read and research and find out what I like, he makes it seems like it's up to me to determine it when I would like to navigate that together.
Actually, as I said, my kitten and I ended up going through (in terms of a survey) the human sex map together. I tried to have her do it on her own, but it was a little overwhelming for her due to the huge range of things and so many things she had never heard of to boot. So, we went through my map together and surveyed the blank map having her ask questions about anything she was not sure what it meant. After that, she was able to complete her own list of likes, dislikes, and do not wants. The same process should work with a BDSM checklist, I imagine.
> What do you think is a good way to phrase that? "Hunny I want us to read together?" Is there a way that might illicit a positive response from him?
I'd say the best way to elicit a positive response with him should be just short of brutal honesty.
So, rather than (clearly exaggerated, I know you don't think this way necessarily) "I was worried you didn't love me because it seemed like you wanted me to be a passive submissive slave, which I don't feel like I am or want to be and you know exactly where you can stuff that!"
I'd suggest something just as honest but less harsh (compared to that) along the lines of, "I was somewhat naively worried you didn't love me for me because while researching submissives I found so many descriptions of passive women who just aren't me. I love you and I've tried my best to get into it, but I'm just not feeling the whole passive/submissive thing right now. In fact, I really don't know what I am into, or the full range of what you are into. Some crazy folks on the internet suggested we spend an evening going through this human sex map thing or a BDSM checklist together and discussing. What do you think?"
Okay, probably a little long winded and I am sure it doesn't sound like you but it covers all the main points, which I think are essentially you were worried, but now aren't as much because you realize you have the freedom to be yourself and just need to figure out what exactly that will mean!
Best of luck to you and we'd love to hear back from you later with an updated topic whether it goes well or not. Of course, we trust and hope it will go very well!
Here's my standard "Intro to hypnosis" post.
You know that old chestnut that a sub gives her submission to a dom? That is literally true with erotic hypnosis. Going into hypnosis is a learned skill like mediation. The hypnotee is the one does all the work during hypnosis. It's impossible to get any effect out of hypnosis without cooperation. This is one of the things that makes erotic hypnosis so safe.
That said, there are things you need to be aware of with hypnosis:
There are a few really good resources you should look into. In this order:
As for the practical side of getting started, I'd advise starting slowly. Hypnosis will be more effective on your GF if she thinks it will be effective. If you start with hard stuff and it doesn't work, it might make it harder to do hypnosis in the future. In general, some phenomena are harder than others:
Here's how I would recommend starting:
Remote Vibe First one was DOA, but the replacement worked wonders.
Also just in case you're curious, here's a bunch of other things I've bought off of Amazon:
Rabbit Vibe: NO, breaks too easily
Dual Bullet: Great while it lasts, but sadly breaks after a few sessions
Scissors If you don't have some GET SOME
Two Knotty Boys I highly recommend if you need some knot help
Condoms More are always useful to have
Weighted Nipple Clamps LOVE THESE, your sub might not though
Whip Going strong for two years
Bullet Held out for a while but ultimately broke after a few months
Numb Throat Spray doesn't work
Anal Trainer Set good for training but the middle to biggest is a bit of a jump
Lube Great stuff, lasts a while too
Blindfold Very comfy and durable
Bondage Tape Works well for hte purpose, doesn't adhere like Duct Tape, perfect
Vibe Fantastic Vibe
Rose Petals Show your girl a good, romantic time
Suction Dildo Get it and make her fuck herself on the floor, highly recommend
Butt Plug A good intermediary between the large and medium from before
Mouth Wash Make sure your breath smells clean for sex
Pillows Sleep better
Mini Massager Works reasonably well
Rose Gold Heart Necklace Classy way to show ownership out and about
Rose Gold Heart Bracelet Sams as above but for alternating days
Okay that's a quick overview, let me know for more detail on any, yes I have have bought all of these on Amazon, Dear God I did not realize how much I bought there before now.
Also here's a fun list of tasks and punishments
Fur further ideas just look over this sex map and for a bit more utilitarian, check out this list of Limits I made (pdf version or .xlsx version i.e. excel). For some fun orders steal some from the Contract I wrote (Word Version or pdf)
The new bottoming book is invaluable for newbies, just to get some perspective. There are a ton of great kink blogs out there, just look for ones that focus more on the reality of forming a BDSM relationship rather than the fantasy.
Your username just made me burst out laughing, and now people are giving me odd looks. It's fantastic!
Rope is fun, but until he has some time to learn what he's doing with it as far as restraints go an under-the-bed restraint system might be simpler and easier. Spreader bars are awesome too. You can buy (poor quality IMO) ones cheaply, or you can make one by screwing two eyehooks into the ends of a piece of dowel or a broom handle you've cut down to the desired size. Easiest DIY project ever.
Floggers are nice versatile tools, but depending on the user's coordination they can take a bit of practice to aim well. Paddles and riding crops take less practice to hit where you intend, and both are fairly cheap.
If you're new to anal play a butt plug (or several in graduated sizes) could be fun for training even before he gets home (and he would likely enjoy the pictures), and can be used with him as well. Also, good lube. I like gun oil, but there are lots of other good ones on the market. Just ensure that whatever you pick is safe with toys or condoms if you plan to use it with them.
South_in_AZ gave you great book recommendations. If you're separated frequently both of you reading them and then discussing any ideas/thoughts/etc might help you explore what both of you want. Journaling about fantasies, thoughts on what turns you on psychologically, etc, to share could also be a good way of building things even when you guys are long distance.
Secretary is a great start ... but yes, there's a lot more :)
If you're interested in non-fiction BDSM resources, I recommend starting with Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns or any number of titles from Greenery Press (especially those by Jay Wiseman).
Forced orgasm is just that - an orgasm brought on by unrelenting stimulation to the genitals. I don't know that there is really a best way that covers everyone since everyone's bodies are unique and respond differently.
Part of forced orgasms is that you just have to accept that there will be over stimulation and sensitivity can be uncomfortable but on the otherside of it is an amazing release. I describe it like a process of working and pushing past it.
Tips for staying quiet? Gag. We got a mouthguard over the mouth panel gag harness that has been super great with dampening sounds. We don't have kids, but live in an apartment. I'm sure our neighbors love us >.> but really we try to be respectful and quiet.
We use under the matress restraints. https://www.amazon.com/Sportsheets-Under-Bed-Restraint-System/dp/B000VHH5DW They come with velcro cuffs, but we have our own leather ones we clip to them. We also got climbing clips to make attaching and detaching easier. Super easy to install and you can easily hide under the matress or remove when not in use. They're affordable and well constructed imo.
But as for not getting anything new, using bondage tape to hogtie or restrict movement is fine.
session length depends on the person... how long it takes you to get there is how long it takes. that is the same with any subsequential orgasms.
word of caution - you can experience microtears and abrasions to the clit and urethra which can make you vulnerable to infections like UTI. make sure you hydrate and keep the area clean with good after care.
I found the New Bottoming Book (http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=pd_sim_b_5) pretty helpful in explaining some of the psychology/mindset behind dom/sub play. Might be something to consider reading if you haven't already.
I've mostly found that it comes down to practice and communication. After a while, it's easier to play the Dom role (if you aren't naturally very assertive).
We've found it helpful to set limits on our play, since my wife isn't really a fan of being ordered around whenever I feel like it -- we aren't necessarily limited to just BDSM in the bedroom, but I still want to respect her as an independent person. If I have a specific scene in mind (something that will take extra time, specific tasks or activities), I'll usually ask if she's interested in D/s play a couple hours ahead of time, then tease her occasionally up till the agreed time. I don't usually do this if we just want rough sex though.
We've also used objects to define the times when we play. She'll usually wear some sort of collar while we are playing, which helps get her in the sub mindset. I've found changing how I dress helps put me in the right frame of mind too. We've also found that mixing tasks into our play helps get her into the sub mindset too. For example, at least for us, a play session might include a couple minor chores around the house that I'll oversee and correct her for if they aren't done correctly (vacuuming, cleaning, etc.), followed by some sort of bondage/sex play and eventual orgasm as a reward.
Hope that helps?
There are play collars, and then there are relationship collars. If you want to buy yourself a collar because it helps you get into a submissive mindset then that's fine. You can use it by yourself or when playing casually.
If you find yourself in a serious relationship then your Dom might want to "collar you" to show ownership and/or a serious commitment. If you both agree to do that then you can continue using the same collar or he can get you a new one.
The only rules in BDSM are in regards to safety. Please don't play with people you don't know. Get to know potential partners by spending time together, meeting their friends, etc. You can ask for references (phone numbers of people they have played with) if you think it's important. Before playing sit down together and talk about what turns you on and what you don't want to do - this is called negotiation. You can negotiate about a specific scene or about the relationship as a whole. While you are talking you need to establish some safe words. At a minimum you need a word which will bring everything to a stop (a lot of people use "red"), but you might also want a pause word (a lot of people use "yellow"). If you search the r/bdsmcommunity archives you will find a lot of great posts about safety, negotiation, and safe words.
You might enjoy reading The New Bottoming Book by Easton and Hardy. It talks about terminology, safety, and how to take care of yourself.
The best way to find partners and learn about BDSM is to get in touch with your local scene. If you make a profile on a social networking site called fetlife.com you can search for groups n your area. You'll probably find that they have meetings or munches (informal meetings with food). Go visit. It's important to have a real world community of support.
If you haven't already read Dar_Syn's Intro to BDSM.
A few great reads for new Doms/Dommes/Tops would be:
"The New Topping Book"
"Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns"
BDSM for Nice Guys this is a really good read to start.
I also have a bunch of links in my BDSM Resource Collection(more stuff on rope bondage), but the Check out /r/BDSMcommunity's FAQ has a bunch of resources as well.
Watching videos from Kink.com can be a good resource for examples of what you can (not how) do along with how to act* in certain situations.
I'd like to point out is that you really should get interested in your local scene, if you haven't already register for a Fetlife account and browse the Novices & Newbies group. There's nothing like learning directly from people that have been doing this kind of thing for years, so get yourself out there.
Now just as a side note. Saying things like "beginners shit" doesn't exactly encourage anyone to help you, try to be courteous and respectful when your asking for help. A great way to get people to actually read everything you write is to split it up into more manageable chucks rather then post the "wall" of text".
Cheers, and good luck with your journey.
So in saying the BD versus the SM, I assume you mean Bondage and Discipline, and Sadism and Masochism. Fun note, the acronym is more complex than most would think, as the DS also stands for Dominance and Submission. So 6 initials in 4! Woo!
Alright, goofery aside, yes, you can be submissive without being masochistic. It really depends on the partners you're playing with, and what you consent to beforehand. It sounds like you're looking to explore. I'd advise you to look around, and meet people before jumping in. BDSM can be a little much if you just jump in feet first.
The advice given out 99% of the time, is to join fetlife, and look around in your area. If you live in a decent sized city (more than 2 stoplights) there's a chance there are groups around you. The easiest course would be to look, find a group that's not too scary, and attend a munch. It's a great way to meet people in the scene, and get comfortable. If it still sounds like something you wanna try, and a scene you want to get in to, you should be in a good position to advance from there.
There are also a handful of books that are worth reading, SM 101 (A little outdated, but has good info still), and Screw the Roses are good ones. I'm sure more people will add book suggestions.
If you want to engage in play at some point, and decide to set something up with someone locally, come back and tell us, and we'll prattle on about all the safety things you should do before your first meeting. But, SM 101 covers that well enough that you should know what to do. Side note: Part of the "outdated" has to do with that, because he talks about these new things called "cellular phones", and how they might be useful for check ins, if you regularly meet up with people. Good thing that newfangled technology never caught on!
This is a great read too, and is written specifically for non-kinky guys whose partner is kinky. I'd start here: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
Anyways, I very much respect you for supporting her in this way! That takes a lot of strength. Jealousy is totally understandable - like the other poster said it may be beneficial to do some research into polyamory. This is not really what you have going on, but that community has a lot to say about how to deal with jealousy, talk to your partner, and communicate your needs to make sure the activities are building up your relationship and not tearing it down.
Anyways, the best thing you can do is what you're doing -- communicate with her, educate yourself. And remember, BDSM people are all about knowing their limits. You have limits too! There are certain things you may or may not be comfortable with, and you certainly have a right to set those limits as long as you've fully educated yourself in them and taken the time to try and understand them from her perspective. And who knows, BDSM encompasses a vast vast field of different activities. Maybe, while learning about BDSM, you'll run across something that piques your interest or you would be comfortable experimenting with. Most people are surprised to find out that something they're already doing is classified as a BDSM activity!
A copy/paste of one of my posts from January:
There are several books about BDSM and its culture. Also female sexuality is often shunted for male, and both genders get a ton of misinformation in the judgmental world. The clit is a lot more than a nub and the proper term is vulva. I’ll post a few links of my favorite reading material and a bit about why I enjoyed them. The New Topping a New Bottoming Books a good overview of how to set up, the different types, and responsibilities of each person in a scene and explores the emotional side of it. https://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/B001TJV5DW
Playing Well With Others. Examines the entire kink culture and how and why people can safely get involved. All the different symbols, types of D/s way more definitions then I could say here, the difference between a kink club, sex club, fetish night, leather bar etc. is all here. The back has a great long overview of many possible kinks and a chart for you to map out your experience and limit levels with each one. Also has a glossary of more books.
Also I’m new to relationships in general but to really learn how to make a woman feel good you might want to look into She Comes First. As you'll see from reviews even couples who've been together a long time really got 'energized' by the book. Also good at dispelling many myths around female sexuality that both men and women might think. It’s written by a guy but very focused on female-centric pleasure, right up a subby guy’s alley. It’s really helped me and I’m only halfway through since I got it 2 days ago!
Darling Discovered. A submissive woman’s journey from a vanilla relationship transitioned to D/s. I really identified with her for much of the book. The other recommendations are mostly objective but you really go into Mrs. Darling’s heart, it’s a true story so none of the trite clichés made by authors who know nothing of the culture. It may also give insight to those already in relationships considering BDSM, something I don’t have experience in. Her prologue that you can view with Look Inside certainly grabs the attention of the reader! https://www.amazon.com/Darling-Discovered-True-Story-Submission/dp/0997421916
I have a few newer reviews if you want?
When my partner and I started negotiating the BDSM aspect of our relationship we both decided to educate ourselves as much as possible on the subject. I would recommend a lot of reading, especially The New Topping Book & The New Bottoming Book as well as SM101: A Realistic Introduction.
Fetlife.com is an online fetish community where you can meet like minded people and take part in discussions, ask questions, etc. We found a lot of great people and resources through Fetlife. There are plenty of groups devoted to mental & physical domination techniques, rope work, and starting out in a D/s relationship.
A search on Youtube for The Knotty Boys will give you all sorts of stuff to practice.
An exercise that my partner and I found very helpful involved me writing a letter to Him expressing what I wanted/needed from a Dom, what I had to offer Him in return, my hopes and fears, and any information about myself that I felt would help us along the way. We refer back to that letter periodically as our relationship continues to evolve.
In terms of experimenting together, I would recommend starting with a Yes/No/Maybe list like this one. You each go through the list on your own and then compare answers together. You start where there is mutual interest and go from there.
Best of luck, and hope this helps!
PS. Whenever you engage in any BDSM related activities you must always be Safe/Sane and make sure they are consensual. You will not be able to have any successful relationships without excellent communication skills, so always be working on improving your communication.
How did it come up that the bruises were from him? Is it still possible to play it off as you got bruised working out / wrestling / moving furniture / anything non BDSM?
If it's not possible to rectify the situation, give your mom some time to breath. She's reacting instinctively at this point, and needs time to get back to being rational.
There's a book I've never read, but heard good things about, called When Someone You Love Is Kinky. It might be worthwhile for you to read that, and share parts of it with your mom once she's willing to talk.
Finally, the best way to prove to your mom that you're okay and healthy is to live your life. Be happy, be healthy, move towards your life goals and be a good person.
So, a few things: If you're interested in going to events and becoming involved with the larger kinkier community, I recommend making a fetlife profile and finding events. They are the best way to not only make friends and learn more, but to find Dommes too.
If you're just curious and want to try the physical sensations, and if you have the money, you could consider seeing a Pro-Domme. I'm sure there is no shortage of them in NYC, and you'll be in safe hands as long as you do your research.
There's a decent amount of literature (My favorite is The Loving Dominant which I like because of how it addresses the emotional side of D/s. It's worth noting that this book, like most others, kind of assumes that it's talking about a male Dominant and female submissive, but it's still a good resource.
Really though, my best advice is to go to munches and other events, meet real people, and go from there. Good luck!
Negotiation checklists can be very excellent for this sort of thing. Find one that’s ridiculously extensive, then you each fill it out on your own, then come together and see where there’s overlap in the things you’d both be interested in trying. From there, you have a whole pool of options so you can go in knowing where the lines are, which can help with having more confidence in what you’re doing, while also giving her the excitement of not knowing which of the things you might choose + proof that you’re just as excited as she is for some of these things.
And while you could dive straight from checklist to play, I’d actually highly recommend “practice” sessions first. What’s great about practice sessions is that the expectation no longer becomes that you’re going to go in and just know everything (which is a very unfortunate prolific trope—albeit highly inaccurate: Doms aren’t born, they’re made); ask if she could give you feedback while you try one of the things of mutual interest, say what feels good/doesn’t, what would make it more intense, etc. Inviting that sort of great communication before you go in for the “real deal” gives you a chance to learn how to better do whatever thing it is you want to do, like spankings, impact, rope, electricity, you name it. And then you can build your confidence and mastery in them so you can bust them out in a more organic, spontaneous way.
It’s great that you’re taking the initiative like this, which does seem to indicate that you might enjoy the kinky side more than you realize. I don’t think you’re doomed, it just sounds like maybe there might be some (understandable, but incorrect) preconceived notions re kink as it’s portrayed in romance novels vs how people become proficient in reality. Happy playing!
Some of My Fav Resources:
Rope: crash restraint, remedial ropes
General/Various: Stefanos and Shay, SM 101
I highly recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Roadmap-Relationship-Pioneers/dp/1587613379.
My copy is signed personally by the author and had been a great introduction. I may not be poly anymore, however this book helped me to navigate poly better.
The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable.
For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle--from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.
"I couldn't stop reading it, and I for one identify as an ethical slut. This is a book for anyone interested in creating more pleasure in their lives . . . a complete guide to improving any style of relating, from going steady to having an extended family of sexual friends." --Betty Dodson, PhD, author of Sex for One
> I'd really like to keep using them, but not if there's no way to make them safe.
I really want for you to find a way to use them safely, because I respect your attitude so much, there. Good going.
Also (after wandering away for a bit to consult SM101), if you don't have the book SM101 yet you should get a copy. I just read Wiseman's write-up about handcuffs and it seems there are safe ways to play with them but you have to be extra-careful. Again, good luck and good going!
The Loving Dominant is an excellent introduction to the majority of common kinks. It covers everything from safety concerns on a physical and mental level to glossing over some 'inspiration'. I highly recommend reading.
Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook is a book by the famous Jay Wiseman, it is a wonderful primer on the philosophy behind bondage and covers everything from the kinds of rope/cloth you should use to several useful knots.
Twisted Monk is both a supplier of ropes and (I believe) silks but also has several quality introduction videos to get you going.
Honestly, the best way to learn is by (safe) self-experimentation. Try it on yourself, bind your feed together, try out your new idea for stacking the rope so the knot doesn't bite too much. Always have a pair of safety(EMT) shears.
As far as the kind of ropes to buy, I'd start off with something softer, if you have a decent sex shop in your area I really would recommend going there (with your girl) and talking to a sales person. Nothing really compares to holding the rope in your hands.
What I do when I need to replace my ropes or when I play with a new sub (ropes belong to one sub it's an STD thing) is buy several lengths of 35' then cut it to the sizes I need. With a thicker rope I'll usually go for a few 10's and either a 5 or a 15 (with thicker rope usually the 15) per 35' length. Thinner rope (or line if you're into that) you can afford to go shorter in your lengths. You may also want yo pick up some electrical tape for your ends so you can tell at a glance which length is which.
If you buy from someone like Twisted Monk usually your ropes will be sewn off at the end to prevent fraying, if you cut your own be sure both to condition it properly and to sew or burn the end to prevent fraying.
If you have any further questions I'll do my best to answer.
Oh no offense taken!
As I said, and I'd like to be clear about this, Wiseman does have a lot of great information to pass on to the 'scene. And I have, in fact, not only met the man but talked to him on more than one occasion and read just about everything that he's ever written.
So I don't tell people NOT to read him, I just don't like how he portrays much of the BDSM world. If you see the world differently than him you are just flat out wrong and shouldn't be involved in the BDSM scene. shrugs I'm not the first to make this accusation against him merely attempting to clarify the point.
So, as I stated Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns is typically the first book I suggest. It covers many different topics but none too in depth. This gives an honest and open view on the many different shades of what the BDSM world can contain.
There's also The Loving Dominant as a good read. It focuses on communication and the emotional bonds that are inherent to the scene as well as gives some practical advice in regards to scene structure and daily life of a TPE.
Both the Bottoming and the Topping book are worth reading if for no other reason than to see another perspective.
There's The Control Book which goes a bit deeper into the mentality of each side of the dynamic with a focus on the dom (obviously).
Those are pretty much my go to resources for someone that's new. Beyond that there are all kinds of different books and articles out there but I've always found that with these as a base of information the next step should always be discussion with others. This thing we do is so personalized that I do not think that any one person or author will have THE ANSWER. It might well be the answer for THEM, but rarely will it be the answer for all. So talking to others about the theory of BDSM or the culture of the lifestyle will typically help expand what one knows about it as a whole so they can make up their own minds.
That helps. My wife read The Mistress Manual and got a lot out of it, especially in terms of the relationship dynamic. I never read it (I wasn't supposed to), but she seems a lot more comfortable as the top now.
As for the BDSM play, that's pretty broad as well. Bondage is the only one I've read a lot on. A great rope bondage book to own is The Knotty Boys Show You The Rope.
Of course, there's a giant list of other types of play you might want. Just go to Fetlife and look at the fetishes list. Feel free to come back here for advice.
The one thing every single book will say is to communicate with your partner. Do it. Seriously.
"Conquer Me!" is really nice for understanding Subbie girls and our needs.
However, the book for you is probably "The Loving Dom", its a great book on both how to manage the relationship, and how to play and what all the toys are for. My Master loved it.
Also HEAVILY recommended is Kinkacademy.com, a payed (but they have some free) educational website with all sorts of videos. It has been very valuable for my Master and me.
As for the side question, that means that you are normal. Full lifestyle 24/7 couples, though respected in (at least my) community, are not the norm. However, even though I am 24/7, I have a lot of non-bdsm sex, because it's want my Master wants at the time.
TLDR: "Conquer me", "The Loving Dom" and kinkacademy.com will help you a bunch, also look at Fetlife.
Definitely. There is a wide diversity to the world of BDSM. Sadomasochism is just a portion. The favorite site I use is FetLife as well as many books on BDSM.
I see where some one suggested Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, this book is written for the sadist and masochist in mind. S&M 101 is definitely a good book as are The Loving Dominant, The New Bottoming Book as well as The New Topping Book.
If you decide to join FetLife, a free website if you are wondering, you may send me a PM for any guidance of the FL site and general help. And no, I'm not trolling since I am definitely a sadist. You're outside of my search criteria. LOL My page is here if you want to get in touch with me.
I hope you find what you are looking for and good luck.
You're very welcome! You're also very right, in that open and successful communication is extremely important here. Just like in every relationship, yes. :D
If that truly resonates with you, I'd recommend you pick up "Conquer Me" by Kacie Cunningham. It's an insightful and endearing book(let) by a female submissive, touching upon a number of aspects of the lifestyle while underlining the need and wonders of both communication and deep trust.
My first sub suggested the book to me, and I've suggested it to each of my subs since then. We've all loved it, so I hope it does you some good as well. :)
Off the cuff I would say you're service oriented with an interest in being a slave.
Daddy Dom label does kind of cover the supporting Domination you seem to be looking for. Something on the order of a very conscientious owner. You want to be treated as secondary, to treat him as more important in all things. On the other side I think you want him to bring out the best in you, make you a better you.
Loving Dom, Daddy Dom, service sub and cherished slave, I think are your search terms.
As for a title you two are going to have to come up with something. Maybe a 'daytime' title, something like Mr. (Last name), or just a pet name that has meaning for you two. Then only use Sir or Master for punishment time or when he needs to speak with absolute authority.
You might look at a book like The New Bottoming Book. I found the motivation parts more useful than the what parts.
Labels are odious - even though I've used such in my flare. Labels put people in pigeonholes. There's no such thing as a kinkster, there's no such thing as polyamorist, or a monogamist. There's only people and they're all different, and they change over time.
It comes down to you two; whether lack of kink is going to be a deal-breaker for the rest of your potentially-married life. Whether you having a Dom to play with outside the marriage would be a deal-breaker for him. So you need to communicate. Don't start that communication until you've really decided on your own deal-breakers, because you'll be wasting your time if you don't know what you really want. But if you wouldn't be happy for the rest of your life without kink (and in what might then be a sexless marriage), then certainly don't go ahead in the current circumstances without resolving this one way or another.
Talk to each other. Tell him what you've told us. It's human nature to be short-term, to not resolve long-term issues, to bottle things up to try to avoid arguments. But this will fester otherwise.
If you tell him, prove to him, that you love him, then maybe, just maybe, he might accept you finding a Dom to play with. But not many non-scene partners would be so understanding. It might be you have to split up. But you need to have that conversation.
There is also a third option, which you didn't mention, that is the win-win option - so I recommend it the most strongly. It might be that if you went to classes, or found a mentor for him, that he could come to realise that Domination is entirely possible for 'nice guys'. In fact there's a book written with almost that exact title (will someone here who can remember the exact book please add a link below?).
If he learnt how much this turns you on, and found it in himself, he might well come to enjoy Domination after seeing how much happier you become (and how much better his sex life becomes.) Try to get him to find a mentor. Get him books like 50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People. Get him books from this list: http://soj.org/bdsm-educational-book-list including The Loving Dominant.
Read articles like this one.
On top of verbal safe words, have a set of ways to signal to end the scene through touch. Three light taps has worked for me as they are contrast to the usual clawing and grabbing that happens. This will come in handy with your deep throat training.
I'm glad to hear that all is well. It may seem cliché, but adding a power exchange dynamic to the bedroom may be what is needed to jump start the bedroom; this require that the reason be something beyond communication and trust that is causing a lack of enthusiasm.
Having these anecdotes also helps for showing that BDSM does not have to be the mainstream stereotype. As for your introduction, you may be interested in books such as The Loving Dominant and SM 101.
Along with the two books I recommended, having a power exchange doesn't have to involve pain. One example I use is rope bondage. This does not have to include pain; the removal of physical agency is quite powerful alone. Ropes may be out of your realm but other painless methods are available such as sensory deprivation.
Best of luck.
I started out with something like this. I used Z-line instead of braided cord, but it's really personal preference. Nylon is nice because it's soft and comfy, though it may slip easier than other ropes because it's got less tooth (so some kinds of knots work better than others). The advantage of having a long length to begin with is that you can choose what lengths you'd like to cut from it. 6' and 12' lengths work well for most limb ties, depending upon what you're doing, but you'll probably need 20, 30, even 50 foot lengths if doing more intricate body harnesses. If you're not sure what you're interested in just yet, do a few shorter lengths and then one or two longer ones. Once you cut the lengths to your liking, you can slip some heat shrink tubing over the ends and run a lighter over them a few times to seal the ends and keep the rope from fraying.
I also recommend Jay Wiseman's "Erotic Bondage Handbook" as it not only gives a great overview of a lot of different ties, but also focuses the first 1/3 of the book on things you'll need to keep in mind for safety and comfort. There are things that can go wrong, but it's not much to worry about as long as you learn from the experience and mistakes of people who've been in the scene a while.
Sounds hot :)
(I'm sorry if you've already found this information. Just trying to give you some tips I received when I started experimenting more with BDSM.) If you're researching, you might want to check out some of Dossie Eaton and Janet W. Hardy's (old pseudonym is Catherine Listz) books. The Ethical Slut focuses on Poly, but it has a lot of good info about communication that's pretty applicable to all forms of kink and any other relationships. Both the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book are awesome. SM101 by Jay Wiseman is a great read too. These helped me a lot with navigating communication, wants, and needs.
You've got a lot of options here, but it seems like you're rushing things. Based on your description, you need to talk to her a lot more about what's going to happen. It's really important to make sure that you discuss any limits you both have and put a safeword in place if either of you feels overwhelmed or uncomfortable or just plain unsafe. I'd recommend using the stoplight system (green - everything's okay/continue, yellow - something is wrong and needs to be adjusted/fixed, red - stop everything). If you're interested in being dominant and topping, you have to listen to what she says about the scenario. She becomes your responsibility during the time that she's bottoming/submitting. Just because you're comfortable with this doesn't mean that she is or will continue to be. If she wants to stop at any point, you must stop.
If you're serious about this, I heavily recommend doing some basic reading/research on BDSM play before partaking in any actual activities. SM101 and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns are generally recommended for people new to BDSM. For web reading, I like this site, Leather and Roses. It's got a lot of general information and I like that they separate out the essays and articles based on topics. Definitely read the essays on limits and negotiation, dominance, submission.
If you're not willing to read more about BDSM and feel comfortable talking to her about what you want, how she feels about all of this, and seriously take what she says into consideration, then you shouldn't be playing. Remember that there's no rush and you don't have to do everything the first time around. There is always more time and more things to do. Safety first.
It's not really about controlling your feelings. Feelings aren't really something that are "controlled" so to speak. Rather they occur whether we want them to or not. They are a part of the human experience and not something we should really try to stop exactly.
As to how to react when you do feel them, the answer is really the overly used word "communicate". Don't hide the fact that your feeling that way. Own up to it and look for a way to feel better. Just say "I feel inadequate that you slept with someone else this weekend. Can we..."
And that leads into things you can do about it. This is where poly/open people do a huge variety of different things.
There are a lot of different things you can actually do with your feelings other than keep them bottled up or act in manipulative or negative ways. What works for you depends on you and the relationship you have with someone.
As to books specifically, I've heard "The Ethical Slut" is good. I've yet to read it myself. But I hear a lot of good things about it.
The first thing to do is to disabuse yourself of the notion that real BDSM is anything like 50 Shades. Most of us hate that book, and with good reason - Christian and Ana's relationship is neither realistic nor healthy. If you come in looking for that kind of storybook experience, you will likely be disappointed.
If you're looking for reading on the Dom side, I'd recommend the following:
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
Playing Well With Others
The Loving Dominant
The New Topping Book
Also check out the link to r/bdsmfaq posted in this thread. It also might be worthwhile to take the test on bdsmtest.org - it will help you find specifically what you're into, which you can communicate to others.
(A caveat - those books, and most books about bdsm unfortunately, focus on male dom/top/d-type, female sub/bottom/s-type. I'm guessing based on your username you are female-identified. Good news - female doms are in very high demand! Bad news- while there are certainly resources for you, and you can certainly get good stuff out of those books, applicable material may be harder to find - as a bi guy myself, I'm often annoyed at how many rope tutorials involve knots that, ehem, would be uncomfortable for guys.)
From there, I'd look up munches in your area and go to a few. Don't expect any action, you'll just be getting to know people in the community. Maybe you'll find partners quickly, maybe it will take some time - there's a catch-22 for new doms, which is that people prefer to play with experienced doms, but you need to play with people to get experience. But by and large, most communities are very welcoming to newcomers. From there, the world is your oyster - have fun and be safe!
The New Bottoming Book is something that would probably really help her if she is the reading type.
It talks about being a "power bottom" wherein you really are the one with the power, you just kind of put it on loan to your Top to play with for a while.
I also suggest sitting down and talking about activities beforehand. If you are working with someone who isn't entirely sure where their boundaries lie, or if they even like giving up control, the concept of giving up control can feel like a HUGE and daunting thing. The list of possibilities can go on forever, and that element of not knowing exactly what will happen can scare someone off just at a small glance at the idea.
If you narrow that list of possible activities down to things you already know she likes, but add a small power element to them. . . there aren't any curve balls to be afraid of. There is a list of what might happen this scene and a list of what will NOT happen this scene. Anything not on the list won't happen, so the fear of consenting to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is no longer present.
Add in a third play word along with one for Slow and Stop. Skip. For someone trying BDSM for the first time, having a word that gives them SOME element of directing the scene themselves at first can help them warm up to the idea. Skip works just like Slow and Stop do, but it tells you that whatever you are pressing now isn't working for them, so its time to try something else on the list. Instead of dwelling on it and having it cause discomfort or emotional distress mid-scene, you can go over it afterward and find out what they did and didn't like about each thing you tried.
It's important to note that if there is emotional distress on the part of the submissive, they should use Slow or Stop depending on the severity. Skip should only be used if something isn't sitting right, or just isn't pressing any of their buttons. It isn't causing distress, its just not causing excitement or pleasure. It's not asking for less or for things to stop. . . it's just asking for DIFFERENT things, so there is no need to sound the alarm bells.
Sometimes the Skip word can kind of make things feel like a game of Whose Line Is It Anyway, but if you are both adaptive enough and it works for you. . . sometimes it can really help a scene move on into directions that work for both of you. It's good for exploring through a potential list of ideas without breaking the flow of experimentation with tons of explanation and the guilt of calling Slow or Stop. It also gives the Top a good idea of what their sub is enjoying; they aren't likely to call Skip on the things that are turning them on and delivering pleasure. Once you have a few things you know for sure they like in your arsenal. . . you can start swapping between them and playing with the power they are loaning you.
So, I had a free moment coming home from work and I wanted you to know I didn't forget about this!
I'll start with your specific question first:
Within my circles, it's always strongly urged that, subs especially, seek mental help through therapy or psychiatry as to establish a healthier relationship with their traumatic experiences before delving into an S&M relationship with a partner. The logic behind this is that, like substance abuse, kink can be used as a tool to avoid legitimate confrontation of the source of their trauma and, instead, can actually emotionally link partners and friends to their own trauma. But--I want to place emphasis on this point--understand that kinks can be a healthy way to work on these traumatic experiences as well. The biggest concern for partners in this situation can be the inconsistency of consent from a partner who has faced a traumatic experience and the necessity for persistent communication. This story is an interesting way to look at kink, mind you once again, this is not every case. But, it is important to consider that there is a wide variance of possibilities within a kink-based relationship and that, within any relationship, persistent communication and taking care of mental health within the partnership is paramount.
So, to answer your question: Yes, it is possible that your partner could project these abuses on you. But, more dangerous than that is, without proper care for your partnership and a path upon which your partner can healthily confront her traumatic history, unknown variables can pop up in which non-consent or compounded sexual trauma could overwhelm your relationship without you every knowing it. This is why having a professional available for your partner (and yourself honestly, therapy is fantastic for most instances) could give her an avenue to communicate these concerns to someone who is professionally trained in handling such problems.
I would highly recommend reading Jay Wiseman's SM 101 with your partner as it can help you understand what goes into a healthy relationship in this atmosphere.
I'd like to leave you with knowing that kink, if you find that it is something you end up loving, can be an incredible experience to land yourself within. We have committed communities and many tools to help you learn and understand healthy practices. But, it's incredibly important that you look out for those healthy practices. In the same way that we have couple's counseling and health books for relationships between partners, friends, and family, there are things that must be understood about this world before you go diving in! You don't just fly a plane without learning how to first!
Don't let my wall of text intimidate you, most of these things that I have spoken about are important to being in a healthy relationship in the first place. Some of them are just slightly expanded to envelope kink.
If you have any questions or want books or articles to read, send me a PM.
I hope I've helped you at least a little bit!
Have your friend order him to fill out a Submissive's BDSM Checklist so that she has some idea of what he likes and doesn't like. He may have the idealistic view that a Dominant should just "know," or he may be too embarrassed to tell her directly -- maybe writing it down via the Checklist and not having to say it will be a good starting point for discussion, and he will feel less shy and start talking.
HOWEVER, I would recommend to your friend that if he won't talk about it at all, that she doesn't do anything until he's willing to communicate and own his desires in some way. If he can't communicate outside the scene, he probably won't do so "in scene," and that is a recipe for drama and disaster, as well as possible injury.
EDITING to add that a wonderful resource for women whose male partners have expressed an interest in Domination is The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance. Another good (although very heteronormative and directed toward MaleDoms and femsubs, it has great info and exercises, nonetheless) book for beginners is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns.
Get this book: *Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism -By Philip Miller & Molly Devon.
It's great for couples. It's funny and explains many different aspects of kink. It's a great starting point.
However, I do second the notion that you seek out your local area's kink community. There is likely a nearby munch, which is a monthly (or sometimes even weekly) social gathering at a public 'vanilla' venue like a bar or restaurant.
Meeting real people who practice kink in the real world, will help demystify your desires and hopefully put you on a path to a fulfilling kink-life.
If you're not sure where to find your local kink community, try Fetlife.com. This site has helped create a real online community for Kinksters to connect (it is NOT a dating site).
I still wake up in a cold sweat after having nightmares about yahoo groups chain email threads ....
If you are looking for a good book I highly recommend The Loving Dominant by John Warren. I really think you will find it a great read, full of knowledgeable insightful stuff that is easy to read and pick out what you need from.
Also The Ultimate Guide to Kink is another one I would recommend http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-Tristan-Taormino/dp/157344779X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1383084917&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+ultimate+guide+to+kink
Also try hunting down some of the excellent sex blogs that are on the internet. There are lots to pick from written by both Dom and subs and The Dominant Guide
Here are some resources they might find useful:
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389
The New Bottoming Book http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352 can be helpful.
And here is a BDSM checklist http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html that you can send them.
And this is a very good example of an Activity/Limit list by AeternaServus https://medium.com/p/b6e71d7663be In it, the writer has gone into detail about how they feel about certain activities.
And as a Dom, you might enjoy http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360
I hope these are helpful to you.
Also be aware that it is sometimes difficult to verify ages online, even with the help of online verification registers etc. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/18/technology/verifying-ages-online-is-a-daunting-task-even-for-experts.html?_r=0
Twisted Monk has some videos that might help you.
Two Knotty Boys Theres a lot of videos on here.
I have this book, Shibari you can use, and I really love it. It has fantastic directions and photos for tying knots.
Hope that helps a little :)
There are some great intro videos on twisted monk to get you started. I really recommend the complete shibari book. This book has great full colour images that are easy to follow. This book has been a favourite for new riggers in my area because of the ease of use.
Invest in some shears to keep close by as well, never know when you might need them.
Given such a broad question, the answers are also broad.
Read. Lots of good (and bad) books out there that help people figure things out. "The Loving Dominant" is a popular, highly regarded one that probably is relevant for you. You may also want to read books about submission (to see her perspective / answer her questions) and topping / bottoming (if various sorts of kinky play interest you).
Listen to her. If you are the D, she is the s. Her input and needs are your working material.
The New Topping Book - For good general Dom knowledge
The New Bottoming Book - For good general Sub knowledge
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - Nice Intro Book
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - Another good book into BDSM
Two Knotty Books: Showing You the Ropes - Good knot book
Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes - Another good knot book
Erotic Bondage Handbook - Another knot book
Shibari You can USe - Book on Shibari knots
Videos on knots - TwistedMonk
If you don't think you know how to do it properly, you need to tell her a head of time, and talk about how to proceed. Maybe make it a practice before you get deep into a scene. You can always focus on the other kinky stuff that you feel more confident about. Explore safely, sanely and consensually. And means being honest about your skill level.
There are a lot of books out there.
Be safe and have fun
You may want to look into the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky".
I haven't read it, but I will caution that despite writing a number of popular, well-known books Hardy and Easton can be difficult to relate to. They wrote some significant books when they were essentially the only ones writing them, so that attracted a lot of attention. But now they're covering the same topics from the perspective of being queer, upper-middle class Baby Boomers from the Bay Area. Even before you get into personal attitudes (e.g. they tend to be rather spiritual and focus a lot on issues of identity) that's something that a lot of us just aren't going to be able to relate to. And I say that as a mid-thirties kinky San Francisco resident from an upper-middle class background. However, if you take it from a non-dogmatic viewpoint (something that they're actually not always good about themselves, I find they generalize a lot) you might be able to get some good advice about how to handle things.
Really, that's one of the best pieces of advice. BDSM is awash with people stating personal preferences as absolutes. Get a lot of advice from numerous sources and figure out what does and doesn't work for you.
One thing I'm not seeing people talking about here is what you're into. What are your sexual desires and fantasies? Before you can start to focus on someone else's you really need to be in touch with your own. How would you expect to handle a situation where one of them doesn't align with your wife's? For example, the incredibly common male fantasy of a threesome with two women. If your wife isn't interested in women that's probably going to be a bit of a non-starter and it's not like someone can just change their sexual preferences to suit their partner's interests. How would you handle that? How much of your own desires or wants is appropriate to suppress in order to get along with your partner? How essential are those views to you? There aren't many easy answers here, but a lot of personal reflection and understanding. This is something you'll have to each figure out alone and then discuss together.
I am going to cut in here. I want you to know you are not alone, I am the same way. While it is true I am between relationships right now I identify as what is known as a Nurturing Master. I am strictly monogamous because I want to ensure that if my partner needs me I am always available and not distracted by the needs of another.
I have recently gotten a new book that is about this I am going to start reading today. It is called The Loving Dominant by John Warren. It was recommended to me by someone on this very sureddit. You may be interested in it to.
There are safety issues with ropes - OP should read Wiseman's Bondage Handbook and SM101.
Leather cuffs, on the other hand, are relatively safe, as long as you don't do any obviously-stupid things, like leaving him unattended.
Clothespegs are great, because you can just fucking cover him in them, with little (no?) risk of damage.
Choose clear or colourless candles and start dripping wax from a good height, so it has time to cool before it lands; you can test on the back of your own hand, and use less height to make it more painful when you've established his pain threshold.
What I'm saying is you need to have a detailed discussion (many detailed discussions) about her fantasies and yours, then implement them in reality. I can't tell you what you're into, or what she's in to, only you can do that. EDIT: this means more than what toys you like... BDSM means Bondage and discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. There's a lot to unpack there if you're interested in various parts of it.
On a purely practical level, handkercheifs and ties are pretty good for beginner restraints, or you could get some cheap-ish cuff type restraints (I've heard good things about the under the bed system.)
Might also help you out to do some reading and get ideas, The classic intro to BDSM is Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns If you can get your hands on a copy I recommend it highly.
EDIT: added a little to the first paragraph.
There is an amazing book on this subject that gives a lot of supportive advice and insight into this exact situation--The Ethical Slut. My husband and I have both read it as a way to come to agreeable terms on our kinky relationship and to understand polyamory better.
As for the feelings about submissiveness, I recommend reading this book. It helps put things into perspective.
I don't think I can comment on the other issues as I lack the experience. However, if you're not comfortable with your sexuality yourself, how can he be? How can you honestly explain to him that you like that stuff when deep down you feel guilty?
Get comfortable with who you are and what you like, then talk to him. All the best to both of you!
You can be a "dominant kind of guy" and still bottom/sumbit and love it. The 2 are not exclusive. In my opinion it's well worth exploring your kinks and if you speak with those that are in the kink community you'll hear stories over and over about how they have suppressed their desires for years and never had the courage to come out. Now that they have they can't imagine ever going back to vanilla sex. Now you just need a partner who you are open/honest about to explore this with. You don't have to be a part of the kink community to do these things but If that is somethign you're interested in go and make an account on fetlife.com (aka kinky facebook), click on events and find a local munch where there are some local people to speak to and get informed. If you are into reading I would recommend picking up
It's an easy read which brings a lot of perspective into bdsm.
Have you read The New Bottoming Book? It is a good introductory book explaining (at a very high level) what is out there and answers a number of the questions you listed.
It helped me expand into a bit more pain play that I was reluctant to try at first.
Do you like hot lesbian bdsm sex? There is a great comic called Sun Stone available for free as a pdf. It is a fun graphic novel that is beautifully drawn with an incredible plot. If you read through the full thing, it gives a fairly nice survey of BDSM, why people get into certain aspects, etc. It is a bit over the top, but I've read it through a dozen times at least. :D
A lot of communities have rope classes.
The new topping book and it's corresponding book "the new bottoming book" Are great and I would highly recommend having you read your books at the same time and compare notes as you read.
There's tons of books on rigging (rope) but please be careful with rope. You can cause nerve damage pretty easily and it's good to take classes about this.
When you get more advanced, there's a book called the forked tongue which is basically a guide to hurting people.
I used to interview one of my subs about the 'new bottoming book' while she was tied to the bed and spank/flog her butt.
I love love love this wearable board game concept my Sir created for me. Here is my post I made explaining it.
Also, I totally get what you are trying to articulate. I found this book very useful when trying to explain those feelings to my SO: Conquer Me
You've got two options: spreader bars or external restraints (i.e. tie legs to bedposts). There are some convoluted rope ties that would work, but since it sounds like you're relatively new, how about something cheap and easy like this:
>would have no way to conceal it
Spreader bars don't have to look like spreader bars. Wooden dowel from Home Depot + two eye hooks. Remove eye hooks when not in use, throw the entire thing into a pvc pipe. (or just use a pvc pipe with holes drilled in it). Bam, discrete spreader bar for well under $10.
Although I agree completely with your comments, I'm not sure SM101 would be my first choice for a resource. Wiseman is ...um...a little outdated, and maybe a little over the top. He's like the the Jimi Hendrix of kink books. :) (Good for the time, super influential, but maybe not the right place for someone wondering what the fuss about rock music is. There are more accessible)
I might suggest The New Topping Bookhttp://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360, and Domination for Nice Guys, as others have recommended.
Well hi there! What's that? Oh, no problem (/points) that away! It's right over there, can't miss it!
In addition to sites such s the one above, there are some great books on the subject, such as "the new bottoming book"
Personally speaking, there's a number of simple things you can do. Devote yourself to service and submission through simple caring tasks. Get him to sit down. Ask permission to take of his shoes, ask permission to give him a foot rub. Ask if he would like something to drink. Ask permission to get up and go get it (small steps, both hands, grace and caution every step of the way)
When you are both in the right frame of mind (men do tend to have obvious signage in this respect), ask him if he has any further use for you.
Don't be afraid to act on your own fantasies!
Don't be afraid to take a break or ask for a slowdown, or even a complete stop!
If you are simply looking for some restraints and not concerned about rope specifically, I really like the Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System. Relatively strong, comfortable, easy to set up.
I just now saw your edit on the OP. I'm glad you were able to figure things out and move forward. I hope I wasn't overstepping in my instructions and suggestions. I also hope that for the future you can find more literature about bdsm in general and continue to enjoy it with your husband. (If you don't mind a recommendation, check out the Topping Book and the Bottoming Book. A lot of what I said here came from those books.)
I think especially where you're long distance, it's easier for you to see the relationship in the exact light you want to see it. You're not reading into body language or mannerisms in the same way you would in a 1:1 setting. You've been given no visible reason not to trust him. I'm pointing this out specifically only because it hasn't been addressed in the other comments, not because I think it's good or bad, just trying to be objective.
I'll recommend a great read I found years ago, Different Loving (brame/brame/jacobs). the amazon link is eloquenter than me
Yup! Check out your local community! Join Fetlife, join groups, and never be afraid or embarrassed to say you're new or green. We've all been there and appreciate the honesty. I've met 20 y/o newbies that tell me they've had 5 years exp, those people are mostly just confused on what the word exp means. I've been public for 2 or 3 years and there is just TONS of stuff for me to learn.
Another suggestion- Books!! Search up some kinky books :) Etiquette, knots, M/s stuff, whatever! Get your brain on some knowledge! This is the first book I ever read about kink
And most important: WELCOME!!!!
Knotty boys have a lot of instructionals on their site, and even more on YouTube.
Twisted Monk Has some great introductory stuff.
There are a million and a half book, including Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook. Head to a sex shop, browse their books. Have fun! :)
awesome, These should help you with some questions/issues/concerns etc
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727 all three books commonly bought in the wishlist
starter websites and youtube channels,
bottom of the page: http://www.youtube.com/user/ladymal651/videos?flow=grid&amp;view=0
bdsm for nice guys: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html
A good book like
Gives a good grounding in techniques, safety and understanding the "why".
We have the Under the bed restraints system. It's a nice beginners thing, not too tacky and once the straps are in place there is very little preparation needed. Lots of fun.
There are a couple of product demo videos that you could shpw your SO if you want to gauge her interest first.
I've been hit with the, "I don't want to have to tell you what to do." response in the past. In fact, my last D/s relationship, fell apart because of that statement. I'm not sure if it was because I wasn't asking the right questions or because I wasn't asking them the right way. At this point it doesn't really matter.
I agree with gamer_grl for the most part. You have the start of a good communication base. What you need is a stronger foundation. My suggestion is that you change the way you are asking for information. Don't ask what she wants you to do, ask what she likes and start doing research. If its something like flogging or whips find a local resource to learn from, for rope I suggest Shibari You Can Use and Two Knotty Boys. There's also a very, in my opinion, dry book out there called SM101 that has a lot of very good and useful information.
Use those discrete/accidental search bar pages as a starting point and start doing research. Sadly the internet is a horrible place for most of that. The information has a tendency to be inconsistent and hard to locate through all the bad porn.
Don't forget that you will also need to figure out what you like while you're at it. Otherwise remember to play safe, take your time, and don't freak out over little mistakes. They are going to happen, and we all make them.
It's not too young. The TNG (the next generation) group in my area is for ages 19-39. Just make sure the munch you want to go to isn't at a bar that's 21+.
(Assuming you're looking to submit to a woman rather than a man--I was a bit confused about this from your post) I don't know about where you live, but male subs are welcomed and embraced in my local community. There are plenty of dominant/switch women looking for male subs. Just treat them like normal people. Don't call them by an honorific unless they ask you to, and don't assume that just because they're dominant that they want to dominate you. By the same token, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do just because you're submissive.
Edit: also, this is your reading assignment: SM 101 by Jay Wiseman
>My Dom and I have fallen off the bdsm bandwagon.
Are you asking because you think that behaving in a more submissive way will help in jumping on the bdsm bandwagon again? Because I think that those two things are two separate issues. Have you discussed this with him? He needs to know. A change in behavior on your part will not suddenly revive the whole dynamic. It's teamwork. Its something you work on together.
>However, sometimes control triggers me. I don't want it to. But sometimes my mind shifts and switches and I see Daddy as the enemy.
Personally, I think this is less about training and more about internal struggle. It's normal to want to resist someone controlling you, I think it's almost instinctive. But it's something you have to work on on your own. Be aware of what makes you react, watch yourself go, reflect on what you could have done differently, what a better response would have been, journal on your submission, about your behavior or chosen topics, when you know something will make you want to resist ask for time to think about it and come back to him so you can reflect on how you want to respond, be mindful of your interactions, read books on submission. There's a lot that you can do on your own.
On your own doesn't mean alone though so you can share your process with him, tell him of your efforts, you guys could have weekly recaps to discuss how it went.
For writings and journaling, I like the writing prompts of sccwriting on tumblr. I also like the submissive journal prompts. You can also take the time to read the answers from other submissives, you might find some useful tips or ideas.
I also suggest reading Conquer me: girl to girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires by Kacie Cunningham. There's a chapter about embracing his dominance that was very useful to me. Basically, it says that when your dominant says no, yes you don't get what you want but at the same time you are because you asked for his dominance.
My required reading list:
Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin
SlaveCraft by Guy Baldwin
Urban Aboriginals by Geoff Mains
Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes
The SMTech educational series are pretty good, Lolita Wolf's are some of my favorites.
My boyfriend just got me a copy of Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns. It's written by a male/dom female/sub couple. I've just started it, but it seems to have good information - as well as a sense of humor!
I've also heard good things about the one in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. There is a Domme in my community that actually uses the one in this book for every new submissive that she works with. She also recommends redoing it once every six months to see how your tastes have changed and what progress you've made.
Screw the Roses...
Hopefully these are at least a teensy bit helpful for you guys!
Especially as a writer, I found that The Mistress Manual does a pretty good job of breaking down femdom. She goes through five archetypes of female dominants (or rather, male submission fantasies) and gives some good suggestions for activities that align with the different types.
Be wary of surprises in BDSM as they frequently go badly.
That being said, your best tie would be a basic box tie / takata kote with cinches in the middle and sides to better squeeze/isolate each breast. You might want to get an instruction manual and practice on a pillow for a while before trying this or the big surprise you are both going to get is how hard it is to make a nice looking tie that stays in place.
Try Velvet Glove by Emma Holly. It's a decent story, is set in modern times and not a fantasy land, and contains sane, consensual BDSM scenes. It's very accessible and decently written. If you're looking for nonfiction, consider The New Bottoming Book or The New Topping Book, depending on her interests. Good luck!
First I want to repeat those encouraging open communication. Sounds like you are headed the right direction! Here are a couple of resources that may help you navigate the choices you face.
[The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_NI1Uzb6WWZ0P7)
One of my first purchases was an under-bed restraint kit, very inexpensive. Cuffs are comfortable with velcro fasteners, and hold up pretty well. I still use mine on occasion, although I've bought leather cuffs since then.
Rope suspension is one of the few things that I really encourage people to learn one-on-one with someone who does it well. That said, I like Douglas Kent's books on the subject. The first book establishes the basics of rope bondage and his particular way of describing the ties. The second book takes that into the air.
Book 1, Book 2
Not 100% on point, but Different Loving is a very good treatment of BDSM generally. Section Three has chapters devoted to pain and sensation and such. Might be a good read for you.