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This probably depends vastly on your age, but the best thing I can say at 27 is that you should set firm boundaries and stick to them. If my mother is being verbally abusive/controlling/etc, I don't talk to her. I tell her that I love her and will talk to her when she calms down, but I refuse to listen to put-downs and unsolicited advice. I know a lot of kids of borderlines who have been helped by reading up on Dialectical behavior therapy. There is also a really great (albeit a bit pricey) book called Surviving a Borderline Parent. Don't buy the Kindle edition, it has several blank/missing pages. I haven't finished it (haven't bought paperback) but I had so many moments of "OMG, other people have gone through this!" in what little I did read. If I think of anything else, I'll post it here. Good luck!

It seems likely that she may have a personality disorder. The behavior you describe would make life difficult for any child. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with her acting like this while you were growing up, and it sounds like you are still dealing with her acting out.

Have you read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson? If not, it may help you identify more of her behaviors and understand how they may have affected you. Lawson describes various ways that BPD can be expressed that can appear different on the surface but are all tied to the same disorder.

It's awfully hard to love someone who is so emotionally volatile. One thing I've found helpful is to establish and enforce boundaries that will give you space to be a healthy person, to be yourself rather than an extension of her. The book Boundaries by Clound and Townsend is an excellent introduction to the idea and can teach you how to begin setting boundaries.

Ultimately, though, your mom may choose to not respect your boundaries, in which case you will need to create separation from her in order to be emotionally safe and healthy.

I was diagnosed with BPD at apx the same age. I wasn't really suicidal, although I did put up a good front occasionally. I was a cutter, and to be honest, I still occasionally do. No one knows, though. I'm 31 now (well, I will be in a few days-I'm practicing saying it).

Honestly? You probably won't find the right things to say. Just research it, help her try to understand, and make sure you get both of you the help you need. As parents, we have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of our children.

The cutting is a dissociative state-you've had all the emotion/pain you can stand, and you just...go away to where things don't hurt anymore. I think the physical pain releases endorphins or whatever that we interpret as positive emotions, and we're okay. Or causing pain makes us feel in control of ourselves, when we're really not. I don't know.

The suicide attempts are serious-make sure there's not some other additional issues, and get that shit stabilized first and foremost. If you have to hospitalize her, then do it. Suicide is permanent, and not to be dealt with. You can't bring her back. If there isn't anything else going on, then it may be that she feels that out of control of herself.

I've found a couple facebook groups on BPD, and books. This book helped me immensely. It helped me understand what was happening, and that it was okay to need help, and ask for it, and accept it. Hell, I still read it. And Girl, Interrupted (book is better than the movie-Winona Ryder's character in the movie has BPD) helped too.

And if it's any consolation-I was diagnosed young, as well. I had a few rocky years, but, I'm 31, I have a college degree, a decent job, a lovely husband & 2 wonderful kids.

This book is saving my life, and I'd recommend it to everyone in a similar situation:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/

It's not our job to soothe or promise things will be better. I'm dealing with tremendous, heart-breaking guilt about separating from my husband because I feel like such a failure that I couldn't make him happy or show him there are kind people who care about him. But we can't give up our lives in an effort to save theirs.

If you want a healthy relationship with this person, it will be the hardest thing you both do. After seven years, I can't do it anymore.

I can't tell you what you should have done, because I am doing no-contact now from my end, just waiting on her to make the first move. Because she will. If you're relationship was anything like mine, she will miss the stability you offered and come back, only to break your heart again and again. And only you can decide what's best for you. There are really two (two and a half choices).

You can do no-contact - either just stop communicating or tell her that you no longer want to communicate. Doing the second will probably make her try even harder to get you back. Or you can decide to ride it out. I guess that depends on what you want for your life and how much you love her.

I'm reading Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder now and holy crap, it's amazing. In the first few pages, it's mentioned that new long-term studies are coming in, finally. They show that in 75% of cases, sufferers of BPD con simply stop showing symptoms over a period of 6 to 15 years. Treatment methods are better as well, and they can significantly shorten that time. Things aren't hopeless.

I can't tell you what to do, only that all decisions suck and your ex probably isn't done with you and will be trying to pull you back. I don't know your age or financial status or anything else, but talk to her about starting therapy and some medications. Nothing removes the problems, but the medications can alleviate some of the symptoms. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm here as much as an internet friend can be.

Mindfulness Meditation, is the most familiar form of meditation, which I mentioned in the original post. Here are some links to various mindfulness meditation recordings.

If you're new to mindfulness meditation, start with one like this, from the Secular Buddhist Association. If it's still too long for you at first, do not worry if you can't get through the whole thing. Try to work up to the whole 20 minutes over as many sessions as it takes.

The UCLA Mindfulness Awareness Research Center, has a set of downloads which include breathing meditations, along with some of the other meditations mentioned in this post. They also have a podcast available on iTunes University which can be streamed on the website, or downloaded via the link.

Though the recordings on his site are the only ones I've listed which are for sale, and not free, I thought some of you might be interested in Jon Kabat-Zinn. His book, Full Catastrophe Living, along with his other books, are perfect for anyone dealing with the emotional disregulation, either themselves or as a person who cares for someone with BPD. He's known for being the person who brought the concept of mindfulness to the west, and in a non-religious way. He offers 3 series of recordings, all available as CD's or MP3 downloads, along with many books, which are available for purchase. I have not heard these recordings myself, so I cannot vouch for them, but I hope to purchase one or more of them in the near future.

> I, on the other hand, am seeking out a therapist that specializes in codependency and has some expertise with borderlines. I want to know why I'm drawn to them, and how to stop it in the future. Each day is getting a little brighter as I start asking myself what I would like to do.


Amen to this, brother. You are exactly where I was a couple of years ago. Seeing your own therapist makes a huge difference going forward. If I hadn't done that, I'm sure I would have fallen into the same pattern with relationships. You'll learn what your own weaknesses are and then it's easy to spot when someone is manipulating you because of them. <Spoiler> It probably happens way more often than you even realize. Getting control of this aspect of your life, means getting control of nearly all of your life. You will start living for yourself, likely for the first time in your life.

Good luck to you.

P.S. Be prepared for her to re-neg on things as deadlines draw near. Remember, one of the the most overriding fears for a borderline is Abandonment (whether real or imagined). When it's real, about to be on paper, in court, that you are leaving her, she will flip shit. Anything she rationally understands or agreed to will go out the window. I recommend you and your lawyer both have a copy of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

One more thing from my personal experience (yours may vary). My BPD ex-wife suggested we go through divorce mediators rather than a traditional divorce with lawyers fighting each other. I agreed. We wasted 4 months and lots of money on the mediators as she would agree to everything, then when it was time to sign the agreements, she would change her mind on big items. Then we'd start over, she'd become agreeable again, then at the last minute, change her mind again. She can't control her emotions, they control her, she can't help it. Finally, I had to go the traditional route to get it done. I should have done this from the beginning.

I've heard good things about the book Stop Walking On Eggshells though I can't vouch for it personally.

I've been thinking of doing something myself. One of the biggest issues seems not to be that people have this, but that others have almost no idea what's going on. Would be great to see more resources

Thanks. Stop Walking On Eggshells explains the basis for this technique. I really like Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder for this as it explains very well what is hard about validation to people with BPD, and goes into many detailed step-by-step tactics.

Take it extremely very very very slowly.

This book comes pretty highly recommended for BPD people to do "self-study" - https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131. Why can't she afford therapy? Is her mental health a priority for her or not?

For you, I recommend the books "Stop Walking On Eggshells", "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" and "Codependent No More". They will all have good tips, communication strategies, and self-care techniques that will help you over the course of your relationship.

This story is so similar to mine - although in my case it has been my boyfriend with the bipolar to BPD diagnosis. The thing that has helped him the most (apart from having a helpful psychiatrist and meds which he can get over here in the UK on the NHS) is a workbook he got on Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. We’re still maneuvering the new diagnosis though which is why I headed here to see what advice people had.

Help for divorcing a BPD or an NPD

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality-ebook/dp/B0056JX46W

http://gettinbetter.com/fiftyways.html

I got this book and it had some good tips for lawyers, dealing with likely strategies by her to attack, etc

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

I've just completed a divorce, and when you get some breathing room your own mind becomes an easier place to live. She's still working on various tactics and strategies to get to me, but overall I'm measuring a steady decline in how often I have to go back to the funhouse mirror self-referencing thought loop of thinking about her and her actions.

Verbal Judo.

I think this book should be mandatory reading for everyone. Basically, it's by an ex-cop who had to defuse violent situations verbally for decades, and he's written a book on how civilians can apply his tactics in everyday life, in both violent and ordinary situations.