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u/BPDRuins · 7 pointsr/BPDlovedones

It's partially just a process. It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, but when it's with a pwBPD it's especially challenging because the abuse leaves us with PTSD. We often get caught in a loop of trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I know that's the case for me.

Therapy definitely has helped me the most - but I understand it's not that simple for everyone. Definitely keep seeking your options. Do you have health insurance through an employer? I didn't realize that my employer actually pays for therapy - I thought I couldn't afford it either until I started actually looking into it.

My therapist emphasizes this the most: Even she was duped by my ex pwBPD (she saw him too). It took her over a year just to diagnose him, and then another whole year to realize that he was lying to and manipulating her. Try not to linger too much on self-flagellation, because sadly they are charming and many people fall for it. Just be glad you're out now and try to focus on the future.

In the meantime the things that helped me most outside of therapy were mindfulness and self-help books. Mindfulness through meditation will change your life, and it takes very little effort. It teaches you to be in the present and at peace, rather than ruminating or catastrophizing. As for self-help books, the ones I list below were instrumental in my healing process. They are a very good substitute for therapy until you can make that work. I recommend the books below in the order I have them listed.


  • Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg
  • Phone app called InsightTimer. Has tons of super helpful guided and non-guided meditations. Learning to sit with yourself and focus on your breath will help you be more calm in the moment and less obsessed with the hurts of your past.
  • Check out the song Hard Times by Gillian Welch. It just so happens to be the song I'm using to help cope on this particular day. "Hard times, ain't gonna ruleeeee my life."


  • How to Break your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern - Helps you accept that you've allowed people to mistreat you despite your best intentions. It helped me see my ex for who he really was, and planted the seed for starting a new pattern. Particularly good for us because a BPD relationship is literally addictive.
  • Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - not just anyone ends up in these relationships. You're more than likely codependent. Learn to assert boundaries and take care of yourself while still loving the people around you - whether that means keeping them in your life or not. This is essential in beginning to recover from these relationship because the skills you can learn will help you regain the self-esteem and trust you've lost in yourself.
  • The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. Lots of concepts you'll learn through meditation but applied to your thought process, not just your physiological response. I'm reading this now and it's helping me learn to stop ruminating.

    I hope you pursue all of these. Don't let yourself stay stuck; there is a life outside of what you're experiencing now.
u/Shanguerrilla · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

It's too easy to rate our suffering by our pain (but pain is subjective, even though it can be debilitating and IS REAL). In fact, measuring suffering by pain is a metric that 'makes sense,' what could be a better way? I don't know, but I know there is no luck in these things, good or bad. There are simply things we can't control and things we can, things we accept, can't or can- then make choices that we can't always predict the outcome of or even always see we are making.

I remember recently a really similar experience to your wife's apology. I've never heard one that mattered yet, but it was in a conversation where I outlined why what my wife intended in her statements and behavior due to emotional reasoning was as far as I can tell an attempt to elicit a reaction and 'hurt' in me. How it was abusive even though I wasn't hurt and didn't react, that I didn't care if she understands, I don't think she 'bad' for doing it, but I'm me and I find that something I can't and won't accept. It wasn't in a 'me verse her' way. I just waited until she was calm after doing my own thing with my dogs and son, then forced a conversation specifically on that later, wouldn't let her paint feelings or thoughts or intentions on me or change the subject. I criminalized that behavior MORE than I used to, but on a different level I used it as an experience to highlight how in words and actions I keep on and DO accept her for who she is, but it is in opposition to what she does. Then how her continuing that pattern is not enough to keep me here forever. I don't divorce threat and she has enough implied abandonment fear, it wasn't a threat or spoke threateningly, just from a place (I hope) of objective realness to what I feel and what I need and the unchanging truth of both.

That was the first time she on her own was like, huh, wow- yea that was abuse. I think she did say sorry (but they are pretty half-assed and really don't matter when they come so far). In the past she would say 'sorry you got angry' or 'sorry you got your feelings hurt' before telling me how sensitive I am or her behavior 'because of' me or mine or imaginary slights.

I guess my point is that if I think of myself as lucky or unlucky based on things I can't control or (maybe wrongly) accept, if I focus on the struggle rather than the coping, growth, and choices that lessen or end my suffering or avoid it in any ways I can.. like I think the goal is not to suppress our suffering or to (in hidden ways) use it as an excuse for our pain, but instead a realer acceptance of reality now and a chance to get stronger in a way. To not do so, it is too easy to perpetuate the martyrdom that led and locked me here in years past.

I need to take care myself whether I have the unluckiest wife or not. I need to improve my situation and my state and my self-care whether I chose my medical stuff I whine about or not (I didn't), whether my son has a lifetime health issue, whether or not all the things I have on my plate and whether I control them or not- I control me and I have a stronger role today and consequently in my future and fortunes than the luck of the last roll. We aren't static and we aren't weak in this way.

That story of the 'abuse' or apology was not actually what I meant by the only times I've received empathy. I don't really know for sure or care if my wife feels or shares 'real' empathy with me. It would be nice, but I'm not so sure I'd recognize it from where I was when hurt and resentful, even now I would doubt it, but it doesn't much matter what she feels to my life or identity. The times I experience what I think is greater empathy coincide exactly with the times I do NOT accept abuse, am not defensive (but instead protective), and am not allowing her to hurt me. If I couldn't get there in this marriage, I would have a real NEED to leave. If I ever lose whatever growth or changes are happening inside me that allow that, I will have a real need to leave. What I'm trying to say is that no one can empathize with someone that they don't 'see' as a person, as an individual, or as 'themselves'. They can't empathize unless they know 'who' you are and then accept you as yourself on some level. So to me, the times that I am unwaverable in my identity, in who I am, and in my unwillingness to be anyone I'm not or pushed or pulled, to me I've experienced greater empathy from my wife in those times (I believe). Like an understanding that I have feelings and that my feelings matter- because they do- because I do my best to honor them now and be 'me' regardless anything she can say or do. For now, no matter what she storms, rages, tantrums, or threatens I will budge a single inch from that place- and she can't make me.

I think it might bring her a modicum of security in the process and that is a valuable thing to a pwBPD. I don't do it for her though, it never worked when I tried. I like myself too much to return to the place I lived so many years. She's welcome to join me, my hand is out to help her up, but I can't hold my arm out forever and I think she is FINALLY starting to realize this. She may never, mind you, I can't control that and I feel like I will be okay independent the outcomes I can't control.

I think you will too.

This is a really cool quote I feel relates better to what I was trying to say than I could from a book about a guy that succeeded over adversaries. In this part he is talking about what he could do to overcome and grow through the things that he couldn't control- fair or not removed from the equation.
He called this chapter 'The Soft Zone' it's only an excerpt and everything in brackets was me trying to add bits to pull different areas in the chapter to a semblance of a point:

>Another way of envisioning the importance of the Soft Zone is through an ancient Indian parable that has been quite instructive in my life for many years: A man wants to walk across the land, but the earth is covered in thorns. He has two options--one is to pave his road, to tame ALL of nature into his compliance. The other is to make sandals. Making sandals is the internal solution. Like the Soft Zone, it does not base success on a submissive world or overpowering force, but on intelligent preparation and cultivated resilience. ..............The more I'd try to [cope mentioned earlier but omitted here and] block the distractions out the louder it would get in my head. [He felt alone in this problem, started being bothered by things he never noticed before] .....I realized that I could think to the beat of the song [his obstacles / distractions / things making him lose his focus and self] ..I couldn't count on the world to be silent [or caretake him], so my only option was to become at peace with the noise.

He had to accept some things in a newer deeper way. That doesn't mean he had to remain or remain the same, it doesn't mean you have to stay in your marriage or not. I'm not telling you you're doing anything wrong or earning your abuse. I'm saying make your own sandals and figure out where you feel like you want and need to walk. I guess I just really think we all always need to be looking into ourselves with honesty and come to know our strengths and weaknesses or flaws (we all have them!), do what we can for ourselves in inspection of our roles and any way we can grow no matter how much weight we feel (that's strength training right there!) The world won't create a painless path, antagonistic disordered wives certainly won't, they just add more bars for us until we remove them or get broader. IDK, his parable was better without my inputs, I just thought it was a really cool quote from the book 'The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey'

u/Steve_McKween · 4 pointsr/BPDlovedones

>Sometimes, in fact, I feel like I'm the crazy one. Like I'm actually causing it.

OMG yes! And when we "talk" about our issues (rarely), she does everything in her power to reinforce that feeling in me. Like Charlie Brown and the football, I would try to kick that ball again and again. Each "talk" would end with me trying yet harder.


>I just want the conflict or contempt/anger to stop.

It won't. It will ebb and flow, but it will not stop. And you can try to be good hoping to end it, but it won't end. It is how they control us. It works because we care what the feel about us. We want to be loved for who we are now. We never get it. There is always something "wrong" they find.


>I've been practicing recognizing that feeling, and stopping or walking away, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure what the "right" way is to make it work, but it feels like not engaging is the only thing that works... Which doesn't resolve anything either.

Grey rock method is effective until your lack of response angers them. But more than that, it turns you into a zombie. It's like living with a predator waiting to pounce. You move slowly and quietly hoping to go unnoticed. Who wants to go through life like that?

My therapist is an advocate of practicing Stoicism. I don't know if you are familiar with the serenity prayer or not. It is derived from Stoicism. We can't control their emotions. We can't make them desire us. What we can control is how we react to them and how we choose to live.

The best book I have read on the subject is Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcissist. It really helped me see the pattern we are locked in.

I wish you well. Keep us updated.


u/jonredcorn · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

You aren't crazy. Many of us have felt the same way, tried the same things and had the same results as you did.

Those people can't change the way they are almost ever - and you can't change them. You can't convince them to change and they won't ever see it from your perspective ever.

They can't change, but you can.

Please read the book or listen to the Audio book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

It was the best money I've ever spent. With the help of this place, hanging out with friends and doing things I like, this book had pushed me out of the fog. You are in bad shape and need this ASAP. The words from this book will tell you far more than I can.

i feel like I could have written your story. Once you get through this book, read codependent no more and figure out how to love yourself again. Go no contact with your abuser and free yourself from this fog hell forever!
I wish you the best. Please know that I've been there and that it does get better! Like a million times better!

Edit: formatting on mobile is hard

u/RandiKreger · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get back here. Now the baby must have arrived.

I don't think it would have been good to start now because DBT has a great deal of homework. It takes a great deal of time. You only get out of it what you put into it.

Plus it is expensive, and I know DBT therapists say their clients should take it twice.

Of course now it will take awhile until she is in shape for it again. But she can do things on her own. But there are other options.

Here is a dbt site for clients:

I wrote a blog piece about that site and its owner:

Here is a blog post I did of resources for people with BPD:

Here is a DBT workbook:

I suggest buying a new physical copy. Ebooks you can't print or write in, and old copies will be partly filled in.

Here is another good book, probably less technical, called Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life.

The following. looks like a really good book, and probably the simplest one. It is also a diary. Best wishes.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Diary presents an overview of each of the four DBT skills-distress tolerance, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness-and includes a journal you can use each day to monitor your successes, chart your progress, and stay on track making productive changes in your life.

With this diary, you can:
•Learn over twenty techniques to use when you feel overwhelmed
•Observe and record your progress each day
•Find out which coping strategies work best for you
•Discover nutrition and lifestyle changes that can make you feel better

u/WrittenByNick · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

In my opinion, there is a certain element of giving up the idea that you can control what he will do. That's a big part of understanding boundaries (Part of the reason I recommend the book Boundaries - it has a religious viewpoint I wasn't expecting, but even if that isn't your thing the lessons are valuable).

The advice from /u/anjie_bee above is a good plan in general. The boring / barely responding method gives you a little bit of a slow fade that lessens the risk of him going on the attack. The next few times he messages you, don't respond immediately either. Give it 10-15 minutes, then out to half an hour, then an hour. Don't schedule any dates or meet with him in any way. Come up with boring excuses to get out of plans he wants to make.

The reality is if he's not getting the attention he wants from you, he will either lash out like the pictures threat, or move on to someone else. The Al-anon motto applies here: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it."

The upside: his threats will likely be empty. Steps you can take if he does try something like the pictures - don't shy away from being honest about him and his actions. If by some small chance he does send those pictures to your work or someone you know, then be up front. "I dated this guy for a short period, and obviously I ignored some red flags early on. I ended it, and he responded by threatening me with those pictures. I appreciate your understanding, and I'm just moving forward."

Longer term, there are a few things that have helped me grow personally in this journey.

  1. Taking care of yourself mentally and physically. A couple of years before ending the relationship, I started paying attention to nutrition and then later a dedicated exercise routine. This resulted in losing weight and generally feeling better inside and out.
  2. Therapy, yay! Talking to a professional can really help you understand the thought processes that influence the choices you make. External perspective is very helpful too, my therapist asked the questions that made me understand how much energy, time, and emotion I was putting into changing someone else who had shown no signs of changing for years.
  3. Meditation. Can't recommend this highly enough. I've gone the mindfulness route, without the spiritual aspect, and it has made a huge difference in my ability to remain calm in the face of stress, to be more aware of my body, mind, thoughts, and emotions.

    Final thought, one that I shared on here recently that struck a chord with me. Happiness is not a place, it is a compass. What will bring you happiness is each day making choices that bring you closer to your goals - what you truly want for yourself personally, in work, romantically.
u/Snottygobbler · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Some good ideas here already.

I'd additionally recommend Splitting, by the author of Walking on Eggshells.

The advice to proceed as though she is borderline I think is sound, it's a hope for the best, but prepare for the worst tactic that can protect you. The advice to lawyer up is good I think, especially since you are able to take custody, best to start on collating data for that now. It's good you have other people behind you, stat decs from them will be invaluable, the more direct quotes statements contain, and precise dates and times, the better.

Hopefully Batmanrebirthed weighs in here, he has been in this situation and his kid seems to have weathered it well, now in his teens, and doing well in terms of friends and coping skills. He divorced a raging psycho too. It can be done and the kids are A-OK (get some therapy for them anyhow IMO, could work for you in court), you sound resourceful and smart, which gives you better odds.

As wife20yrs says, kids complicates the situation and there's no right answers. But if she breaks you the kids have noone making sensible decisions for them. So even if you only get partial custody, at least they have someone stable, sensible weighing in on decisions.

Keep writing stuff out, even the things you write here may be useful. Dates, times, direct quotes, corroborating witnesses.

Don't envy you man, stay around, write - get it out of your head and on to paper, but maybe recycle usernames in case she snoops on your devices.

u/am59853 · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I saw someone recommend this book somewhere in this forum and it is saving my life. Maybe it can help you too.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

I'm so so sorry that nothing you do or don't do will make him happy. Nothing you say or don't say will be enough to bring calm and peace. You can choose to martyr yourself, or you can choose happiness. I'm just starting the separation process from my husband and it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, I love him so much. I just refuse to sacrifice myself to care for his needs and emotions anymore.

You are not alone. Please reach out to your support network and get help. ❤️

u/Mart243 · 5 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Holy shit that discussion part was funny. Sorry to say. But a lot of us have been there. The discussion where you want to address things but it turns into a circular discussion where you are the problem. You wonder what just happened when it's over.

You are not the emotional control freak she says you are. you are now just beginning to see the light. Go buy this book asap and give it a read. It will explain many things.

You'll have doubts, guilt, .. but it will eventually dissipate. You'll be happier. You'll wonder why you did not see the signs before. You'll gain confidence in you. You'll discover that hey, you're happy to come back home after work now that she isn't there.

You gray rocked, you did what you had to do to go through it. Don't have regrets for not trying hard enough, there was nothing you could do.

Edit: not sure how old the kids are but mine were 10 and 14. Having my oldest one tell me "at first I did not know why you wanted a divorce but now I understand" after a few months felt great. And both kids and I keep making discoveries about how messed up our past was... She was the source of stress of my oldest one, my youngest would have turned bpd I am sure because he had a few episodes after the separation (wanted to die... Asked for a gun...) But it's much better now. The kids sleep well, are way more relaxed. There were some rough moments however but now I feel like I am really saving the kids.

u/AutobiographicalThor · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

If success is having a normal relationship with someone with BPD then, from personal experience, I don’t think that’s possible.

However we can but try.

There is so much advice and there are so many tips and nuggets of information in this subreddit but if you want a structured tone to dip into I really found this one useful:

“Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” is a good book.

The best tips for making the most of a life sentence with a BPD are 1) leave and 2) try to leave and 3) if it’s not convenient right now then plan to leave

Sorry this isn’t glowingly positive but I’ve been abused for too long to have anything but a dim view of people with PDs. It’s not their fault but it’s most definitely not mine either.

u/oddbroad · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I'd recommend picking up Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist because it talks about being a caretaker and building boundaries. Here's a video with the author:

It's about trusting and valuing yourself, learning about red flags such as people trying to manipulate you with mirroring and love bombing. Trusting yourself if it's too good to be true or not questioning yourself if you're being lied to.

Contrary to MRA advice it's NOT about being an asshole. That attracts personality disorders. It's not even about being "nice" as the problems, kindness is good. It's about not being taken advantage without boundaries and learning to trust yourself.

u/krakkem · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Therapy is gonna be key in helping you. I couldn't afford therapy when I got out of my first abusive relationship, and ended up getting free therapy through a women's shelter in my area. If you ask around, you may have some luck. A lot of those resources don't have a statute of limitations from when you left.

u/mrsmanicotti · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

You have a valid concern about these certain behaviors around the children. Children are keenly in tune with thier parents moods and the things she is saying must be frightening on some level to them and confusing if she is at other times more stable. It will absolutely effect thier sense of security and well being. My inclination would be to give her the ultimatum that you won't tolerate this around the children. But you have to have a plan in place for how it will be handled. She needs to learn new coping skills and unless she has the resources the whole thing could get even more volatile around the children. The best thing would be to get the advice of a professional. In the meantime, you could try something I did. I bought a DBT workbook and told my husband that I thought it would be a good thing to do together. We went through the exercises in it and it was very helpful. He did learn alternative ways to manage his feelings. This is the one we used.

u/ThrowRA121019 · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Just take a look here in this sub or similar subs. Books, YouTube videos and therapists. There is no happy endings sadly. We want to fix everything, we want that everything works are the end. But if they don't want (and they don't), there is nothing we can do and we only gonna suffer.

The other fellow redditor got cheated in the begining of the relationship. And what happened? Got cheated again. And gonna be again and again. It's a never ending cycle. "Regular" people can learn from their mistakes. BPD don't. If they cheat it's your fault. If they treat you like trash it's because of you. Etc. Take a moment to read this sub and you gonna see all the patterns.

You can keep trying if you want, but sooner or later you won't take it anymore and you gonna have lost a bunch of years of your life suffering.

They have their good moments, but the bad moments don't worth the price of admission. And most important: You are a valuable person and you need to be treated accordingly. They don't deserve our love and care. They simply don't value it.

Everybody here recommends this book. It's really good. Take a look for yourself:

And I tried hard for 3 years, my friend. The only thing I got from them was a bunch of traumas. The good part is that I today know my worth and value myself a lot more.

Start being more selfish. Take care of you. Everything will be better at the end.

u/DreamHappy · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

According to what I have read; if you do nothing the relationship will run its course in 11 years... mine lasted 12. This would be my formula without any background info from you.

  1. Read Stop Caretaking.

  2. Practice "Stop Caretaking" and start getting your life back and enjoy things you like to do.

  3. Slowly work her into therapy. (You both will need it as you start reclaiming some of your life back.)

  4. Decide if you have a future, after a year.

    I wish you the best of luck. More answers will come as you go down the path.
u/nyxmori · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Therapy and support groups are your friend.

Take a look at Stop Walking on Eggshells and Nami's page on BPD for ideas. Most importantly, make sure you are taking care of your needs too.

u/bitterloa · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

i think this boils down to you becoming more comfortable in high conflict situations. while i do agree that most often it's best not to react in these situations, at some point it's less damaging for you to just speak your truth and not give a damn about the consequences for the person being abusive. i feel it's very common for many forward thinking individuals to romanticize with a zen-like "do-nothing" type philosophy when sometimes it's better and more natural to allow your anger to properly express itself. it also could be related to struggling with codependency issues, where you are more comfortable taking a verbal beating than standing up to it...perhaps.

if that dude came at me again, i'd tell him to kiss my ass. and if he told me i was this/that and a whole lot more i would tell him he hasn't even seen the worst of it and to quit crying about it because it's making me bored already. for real.

one thing i've learned about myself is that when something makes me angry to the point that i want to lash out, i'm usually justified in doing so. i don't have a short fuse and i treat people fairly so if i have to cut them down and put them in their place--they deserved it. i'm not perfect but i have a pretty even keel. and you know what i've found red_pockets? the few times where i've done this it's not uncommon for the person to be so shocked that they actually apologize to me after tell them off. i doubt this guy would, but it wouldn't matter.

i highly, highly recommend reading The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren, you can browse through some of the book here:

I think you would gain a lot from reading the chapter about Anger, how it is not a "bad" emotion, it's purpose and message it is trying to tell us. Take care!

p.s. also i did/do some visualization stuff sometimes that really helps me with anger (or perhaps more acutely in rare moments of rage) and if you are interested i can explain more.

u/seeds_of_change_TA · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Per a previous comment from u/canary529041:

> Being in love with a borderline is like being addicted to a drug.

It is literally an addiction, no different in effect than the physical addiction to a drug. It works exactly the same way in the brain.

Understanding this was a first and huge, key step to me gaining perspective about my situation, learning how to re-shape how I felt about him and why, and ultimately letting him go and moving on.

OP, this book is what helped give me that very much-needed perspective: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work

u/reality_tester · 4 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Post mortem as in pouring over everything to make sense of the relationship due to FOG(fear, obligation, guilt).

Emotional children seek caretakers, someone who will put everything into them to boost the caretakers self-esteem at the expense of the caretakers needs. This is a tacit agreement between the two from the beginning pretty much. This book explains it well (where I acquired the nomenclature of 'caretaker'):

u/Devvils · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

> I want to make him happy.

This is the big trap people fall into. They are co-dependent and want to make others happy.

Try putting yourself first and making you happy.

> It's been almost 4 years. I'm too damn young to feel stuck.

You have to work out why you are putting up with is worth all the drama. Its unlikely to get better.

u/Uhtred_McUhtredson · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

This website over time has consistently been my "go to" for getting the most insight about my relationship in general. I think all of Shari's BPD articles are gold.

At first I only read them to understand my ex, who she describes to an absolute tee. When I would read about the typical male BPD partner, I pretty much ignored that as I didn't think it related to me at all. It stuck in my mind, however, and over the months I'd keep coming back and thinking "Yeah, maybe I am like that," or "She really is describing my own childhood pretty accurately, I just never thought of it that way before."

So here I am, almost exactly a year later, and I come back to those articles all the time because I now see how I am that person she describes. When the pwBPD is gone, we still have to live with ourselves and I think having a better understanding of why I made the choices I did is priceless.

Here's a good article that deals with codependency in BPD relationships.
Borderline Waifs and Unsung Heroes

As for an actual book on the subject, the only one I ever read was Codependent No More
I didn't really feel like I needed another after that one. I was on the fence about the whole codependency thing at first and only got the book to prove to myself it didn't fit me. Before the end of the first chapter I was absolutely convinced I was codependent.

u/Surajahh · 7 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Sounds like an overtly criminal case. I am sincerely sorry for you, and don't quite understand how your SO can possibly be in denial while witnessing something like what you just described. In my case, I had a child with my ex, who also showcases advanced criminal inclinations (referring to my ex, here, not to my little one. These leanings were not immediately obvious. Initially he, too, "appeared normal and healthy"). As the truth about who he was emerged, I resolved to cut him off completely, along with all of his tribe. It was a process, and some people judge me for what I did. But I believe that with certain profiles complete eradication is the only way to go. As we both agree, every case is different.

PS: If you didn't, read this:

It deals specifically with new SO of BPD exes SO, i.e. people like you, who became targets by proxy.

u/way2manycooks · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

There are two books I highly recommend you (and your parents) read:

  1. Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger
  2. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, by Shari Manning

    I haven't read Randi Kreger's book The Essential Family Guide to BPD, but I imagine this might even be more appropriate for you/your family given this is your sister. Randi is one of the leading authorities on the subject.

    Good luck, I'm sorry to read that you and your family are going through such a rough time.
u/Geovicsha · 4 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Even if they aren't diagnosed as BPD under the DSM, it's still helpful if their behaviours share a similarity with BPD. I had just finished it myself, and really wish I read it while with my ex, but it really crystalised a lot of my own reactions and actions, helpful and not so helpful, when in the midst of their BPD behaviours.

u/CaptZ · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I highly recommend Psychopath Free also. It is a great book.

u/Movingon72 · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Understanding The Borderline Mother

I found this book to be pretty good for me. My therapist recommended not showing this book to my kids until after puberty. Like 18-20.

One of the hard things for is me is that she seems to take most of it out on my oldest. I suspect that my younger boy may never understand why we are getting divorced.

u/re1ser · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

I recommend Psychopath Free. It's a very good book for dealing with toxic people and can be applied to BPDs as well.

u/pepperpepper_ · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I know this dynamic. Very frustrating indeed. Stop Walking on Eggshells helped me very much in understanding how to tackle this. It came too late for me, but I hope it can help you.

u/otitropanit · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

This sounds a lot like triangulation, where he is keeping you hanging on by a thread, but second place behind his gf, but expecting from you what he can't and won't give in return: that you be at his beckon call.

It's pretty typical. And it's pretty typical on the receiving end to feel hurt. That's kind of the point.

Check out this book: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself . It will be a solid start.

u/texastronot · 5 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. A common story. Check out this book. It might help with the healing.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse

u/saythereshope · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I would start by asking your child's therapist to point you towards resources that they recommend.

Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents is a good read, as is The Essential Family Guide.

I'd sign up for boards and ask for advice from the son or daughter board.

I'd also look into your local NAMI chapter and see if they have a monthly support group for family members.

u/matthewjfazio · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

If I can make a recommendation, I found [this book] ( to be extremely helpful in going through the divorce process with my ex wife.

There's something about this disorder that certainly make behaviors predictable, and I'll be darned if she didn't follow most of the patterns explained in the book.

u/allusium · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I’m so sorry that he treated you this way. You didn’t deserve it, no one does.

My therapist recommended that I read this book to understand more about the abuse that my person dished out and the particular tactics that she used to control me. If you Google it, you can find free copies to download.

I hope you’re able to find peace and healing.

u/heavymetalheart00 · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I second everything in this comment. I also did these things and they've helped me immensely. Going back and re-reading our text or Facebook conversations really helped me see just how vapid and boring our conversations were. Not to mention one sided. I had deeper conversations with friends I hadn't seen in years in 15 minutes than I ever did talking to my ex.

One book that really helped me: Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

I know what it's like to have friends who don't understand. I think it's just one of those things that unless you've been in a similar relationship you don't really get it. I mean, they listen and show support but I realized at some point it all just sounds crazy and toxic to them (because it is) and they're tired of hearing about it. That's what a good therapist is there for (or at the very least a supportive community such as this).

u/Spirited_Copy · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Wow! That's amazing. You know, there is a healthy way to be angry. Anger lights up our boundaries. It's a defense. If we use it in defense, it serves its rightful purpose. It's when we use it to attack that it fucks us up.

I had forgotten this. Thank you for reminding me. It's from a good book loaned to me by a friend. The Language of Emotions, by Karla Mclaren. It's time to go back to that book again.

u/needAreaming · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Great book to read. I bought this book before knowing anything about BPD. Because this is exactly something i said to my ex, "i'm always walking on eggshells."

This book put a lot of other things into perspective too.

u/NamasteTacos · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

$10.99 paperback on Amazon delivered in two days, or $9.99 Kindle version. Free Audible Audiobook with Audible trial.

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

u/Alvarogom · 6 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Here is a nice video, with more symptoms besides the ones you mentioned. And here is a great book by Pete Walker. Just some material that could be interesting to further explore the subject. Trauma is a bitch.

u/Churn · 5 pointsr/BPDlovedones

During my divorce, my lawyer and I both read the book Splitting. Just as /user/TheRealJongoBongo said, get that book.

> Turn to this guide to help you:

> Predict what your spouse may do or say in court

> Take control of your case with assertiveness and strategic thinking

> Choose a lawyer who understands your case

> Learn how e-mails and social networking can be used against you

u/Gabers49 · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

There's a great book called say goodbye to crazy. You are who they wrote the book for.

u/Aleph_Null_42 · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Get this book. I got it digitally from my local library:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
by Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger

It was a real eye opener for me. They will rush into court looking for "emergency" court orders etc. and it is very important to know how to deal with that. It even includes a chapter on how to find a lawyer who understands how BPDs behave.

u/snzman · 7 pointsr/BPDlovedones

Caregiver personalities are especially susceptible. If you think you have those inclinations, a great book is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life . It really made me think about the things I was doing to conitnue/enable/etc the bad parts of the relationship.

u/1978_anon_guy · 5 pointsr/BPDlovedones

> Has anyone wrote an email or letter to his/her SO (ex or not) AND SENT IT, and gotten a positive result from it?

Yes. But not in the way you'd expect. I've gotten a response where she wrote down a lot of paranoid accusations after I emailed her a well thought out explanation of the multiple reasons (with documented historical incidents for each reason) we can't be together.

Among other things she accused me of planning to murder her and being a Moriarty-level criminal mastermind. LOL.

Very delusional and paranoid "fantasies".

That email reply from her is an exhibit in divorce court in the child custody case.

So yes, you could say it had an unanticipated positive effect in cutting a potentially long, drawn out process of proving that she's got mental health issues and is not a fit parent.

TLDR: Email response from STBX extremely useful in showing divorce court that she's paranoid and delusional, cutting to the chase in my custody fight.

Other than what I've written above, nothing good can come from emailing your undiagnosed BPD ex.

Also whatever you do, do not admit any fault in writing for anything you did or did not do OK?

She will use that in court against you in the child custody case.

One other thing, just FYI. There is no hope in having an amicable divorce with your BPD ex. It will be pure hell (* I'm you, only 6 months into the divorce process, divorce will take at least 1 year if not 2 or 3)

I recommend getting and reading this book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder in addition to Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

u/applesNoranges98487 · 5 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I bought Stop Walking on Eggshells during my recovery process. It was a huge eye opener. So i took a highlighter and highlighted everything that applied from what i experienced. I had suspected some things, but i didnt experience or witness, so i didnt highlight those.

Non the less, a large portion of that book was highlighted.

We were a few months NC after the breakuo. When we met again, i mentioned i read about BPD and that i was apart of an online BPD community. It helped me understand.

She was completely against the label and idea of a PD, but was completely receptive to the individual symptoms.

So apart of my recovery, focusing on the individual symptoms helped me out, rather than generalizing BPD.

Edit: i forgot, i gave her the book. She asked what it meant and i told her its what i used to make sense of our relationship. The only specific thing she asked me about was if i really felt she had control issues.

u/LittleHelperRobot · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones


^That's ^why ^I'm ^here, ^I ^don't ^judge ^you. ^PM ^/u/xl0 ^if ^I'm ^causing ^any ^trouble. ^WUT?

u/metagnosis- · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

/r/CPTSD subreddit is very helpful in this and I'd refer you to check posts from /u/not-moses. I'd suggest going towards getting a trauma therapist and reading Pete Walker's book "CPTSD: From survival to thriving".. The book is about childhood trauma but I'd think it would apply in other relationships as well. The writer is a psychotherapist who has CPTSD. I felt that just reading it through once resolved part of my trauma. From there on you will have the resources and help you need.

I think when you are with a pwBPD understanding this is critical for your sense of self-esteem and sanity. Otherwise you will run around in their maze of emotional reasoning and you will not get out since you don't understand that it's a shifting maze that makes dead ends. So let that be your "right hand on the wall" and you'll find the exit.