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I'm sorry your coworkers haven't been supportive.

It's horrible seeing your girlfriend in a zombie stage but to be quite honest it seem seems like you're still in the beginning of all of this.

My husband has been hospitalized twice this year and honestly it should've been three times. I remember the first time he went he stayed for 4 days and they were the longest days of my life. He told me he felt better, he looked better. I wanted him home so badly, but to be quite honest, it's really not that simple. A few days in the hospital doesn't really do much as much as you think it will do. He wasn't ready for it yet. My husband took over 9 months to find a medication that has really worked for him, and those 9 months were complete hell. After many many many bad reactions to his meds, from many attempts of ending his own life, to threatening divorce, to me just not knowing what to do anymore. 2014 was no doubtingly the worst year of our lives. Luckily we've made it and we are currently better than ever. He found the right med and honestly if I were religious it's been pretty much a miracle drug for us. He does find himself to be a little more sleepy than normal but we are still working on it and it's not that bad at all.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take care of yourself. I know it sounds impossible, but you really have to. You probably hear this all the time, but you just really have to. It's good for you and it's awesome for her. You have to have some hope it will get better. Think of this as any other illness that can be cured. It's a long ass road ahead.

Also one great thing to do is really educate yourself on everything Bipolar. There are some great books out there if you take a look.
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1608822192
I know it has a ridiculous title but this book really educated me in learning how to react and really understand what is going on. I feel like I could have prevented soo many outbreaks with it (not blaming myself but we both took so much to heart)

Find a good therapist for yourself, it can take a few tries. Some say this is even harder than the meds but that wasn't the story for us. I ended up going to therapy alone because it's really exhausting after going through something like this.

> I am not sure how I can move past this.

Life doesn't give us a choice, neither does your SO. You're in a difficult situation as I was a year ago. After her infidelity and 2 marriage different marriage counselor, along with SO's month long depression, SO decided that marriage is not for her and started dating other men even before separation. What helped me was support from my family during this trying times. Talking helps. Exercise helps. Hanging out with friends helps too.

You simply move on in life with or without your SO. Seriously, bottled feelings doesn't matter much over time, whether you try to forgive or forget them. It feels like an itch you may scratch once a while but eventually it goes away with time. Not saying that you should keep your feelings bottled up, your SO should know how these affected you, your self-esteem, putting you through grief. End of day, some songs may never be sung again and these are the scars you have to live with.

Check out the "Feeling Good" by Dr David M Burns. It contains a number of techniques you can try. I read the entire book with hopes that it could help SO.

There is also "Mind over mood", has good reviews. Haven't read it yet, if you find this book useful, do share it here.

Currently reading Mark Manson's book. Quote: "In life, our f&cks must be spent on something. There really is no such thing as not giving a f&ck. The question is simply how we each choose to allot our f&cks. You only get a limited number of f&cks to give over your lifetime, so you must spend them with care." Top seller in Amazon, #1 in a few categories too. Worth a try!

tldr; Care for yourself first. Look for support in books, friends & family. You're not alone here

Sidenote: The ironic beautiful thing about relationship is to be in love means to be vunerable also. Vulnerability is a necessary part of loving relationships. If you stop yourself from being vunerable, you'll also stop yourself from feeling love. The same doorway that makes you vulnerable is the same door loves walks through.

Edit: typo and grammar

I just re-read your post again. More thoughts as I feel like I was your current gf earlier this year (not your actual current gf but I feel like me and my ex were literally in the same place and I’m going to tell you everything I wish someone had told him)...

1. You telling her what BP is isn’t really going to give her an idea of what it is. Mainly because it is so personal. There is no way you two can have a non-personal discussion about this disease. It is definitely one component and the more you can talk about your feelings and be open the better. But I don’t think you can expect her to “get it” just by that. What helped me was reading reddit honestly. I just read the stories of other people and was able to see the struggles they went through. It was less personal for me as I wasn’t thinking “oh my god this is my SO” I was thinking “oh shit, I get this disease more and how fucking hard it is”. I didn’t find reddit until after we broke up but I do think if I were to be in that relationship again now I would have a lot more empathy for him which would have helped us have more productive conservations about how I could be a better teammate for him. There are also lots of books that are helpful and I went to one friends/family support group which helped. All post breakup which I think is really sad as I wish I had had this knowledge earlier. I could see this being really scary for you- this is a scary disease and i could see it being easy to think that her knowing more could scare her off. But if that’s the case she isn’t really in the right place to be in a relationship either.
   
   
2. All my other advice just focuses on the fact that our society pushes this narrative that men can’t show emotion, can’t talk about emotions and shouldn’t feel emotions (unless they are macho ones) or else they are weak. This is so f’d up and harmful to men. It happens to all men. Watch the documentary called The Work - https://www.amazon.com/Work-James-McLeary/dp/B077GGWH8P. You can google and find it free online on their website. Some of what you are going through might have nothing to do with BP (I’m not saying this to minimize BP) but because guys don’t talk about feelings you might never know what is BP thoughts and what are just normal thoughts/issues because you are a 33 year old guy getting into what sounds like a healthy and great relationship for the first time! And it sounds like it is getting serious (hell yeah!) but good things in life are stressful!
   
   
3. Check out this blog - https://markmanson.net/ and read his posts on relationships. (It is ironic as the title of his book is about not giving a fck and I just told you you should give a fck but his message is different). I also liked his books. He does a good job of explaining his thoughts and so I think if you read some of this you’d see that you likely have some of the same worries, issues as he does. Not everything relates to BP (which I mean in a good way!)
   
   Sorry I just advice bombed you!

I see there's a lot of moving parts in terms of finances and family dynamics, but my suggestion is to put a lot of effort into finding a new living environment. I think it would be in the best interest of your girlfriend's health, your relationship, and your finances. Straining yourself to try to support her family, who turn around and disrespect you, seems like a situation you'd benefit greatly to get out of.

Finances may be the biggest constraint and may also be the reason you are with them to start with, but it would be worth checking out if there were any cheap-ish apartments in your area.

edit: for the relationship aspect, this book is an excellent resource for building the right mindset and communication techniques. http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1608822192/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426560199&sr=8-1&keywords=loving+someone+with+bipolar

Communication in general is one of the most important things; strive for complete transparency in your relationship so that you can always focus on supporting her and limiting strife that you could potentially add. It's complicated, do a lot of research. Post here if you need anyone.

With commitment, medications and talk therapy, the worst effects of bipolar can be managed. For and encouraging introduction to how to manage this condition, i am a fan of a book called Rock Steady — it’s an easy read in graphic novel format on how one illustrator/writer has managed her bipolar for years. Simple and helpful explanations apply to other mood disorders as well. Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice From My Bipolar Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1683961013/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_b5GvDbTSC71KJ

Don’t forget your own self-care — the diagnosis was a big deal, and you may need counseling or a support group yourself as you adjust. Make sure you are getting the sleep, exercise and healthy diet you need, and especially time for you to decompress. All necessary for staying strong for the people you love.

(Married 19 year to my BPSO, he was diagnosed with BP2 and I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder a little over a year ago. We still love each other and fighting the good fight, and we have good days that outnumber the bad ones by a healthy margin.)

Talk to them about it as they grow up. Explain the brain differences she has and help externalize the illness as something separate from her and something she experiences. Help them know that her reactions to things they do are not their fault (or hers). Never ignore it or think they won't notice.

My husband was diagnosed when my kids were a bit older. We had them in therapy as soon as he had his manic episode. They may need therapists so they can talk through some of the things to an unbiased person. My kids will continue to go to therapy and I will always encourage it. Mom may be the one suffering internally, but it's a whole family disorder. Allow your kids to always express their true feelings about it in a safe space. It's great that she calms down and apologizes. That's really great! She will have bad moments and that's ok. That's understandable. Modeling apologies and admitting when you're wrong will go a long way. They will be forgiving and understanding. They may also go through periods where they're angry and resentful. Don't dismiss those feelings. Always validate them. They will do just fine if you do!

I also made a kids book because I want other people to start the conversation with their kids too. To normalize it in a way. The book may not be super relevant to what your kids go through because it's based more on the bipolar 1 manic side. I plan to make one for bipolar 2 as well, but am in school full time and it's hard to take the time for the drawings. It makes me nervous to post the link because I don't want to give the impression I'm in it for the money. I make almost nothing off of it. But here it is if that is at ALL helpful: My Dad has Bipolar 1 https://www.amazon.com/dp/1549651420/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mDeGDbJ05C1CN

I am sorry this is happening to you. I feel your pain.

I am currently in the divorce process myself. I found out my wife cheated around my wedding anniversary and kept doing it for months after I found out. Than she went into a destructive phase of drinking, smoking and I was told before Christmas she wanted a divorce, served right after and will legally be divorced right before my birthday. Just sucks

I too care for my wife a lot but the thing is (which you won't want to hear) is no matter how hard you try you can't stop them from pushing you away. I got her/us to therapy and I would go 2x a week to help relay info to the doc. Denial often times happens as they feel good from thrill seeking or while on the high. So everything seems normal. Medication is key as is sleep and routine.

I wish you the best of luck. Maybe she will go to therapy.

Was she ever destructive? If you want to read a good book to understand more I suggest
https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1608822192

Probably one of the most popular books for spouses and helps put perspective on things

Hey there. I found that learning about the disorder, how it affects people and how it's treated, was immensely helpful in understanding what my boyfriend's going through, so it's great that you're taking this step. I liked Break the Bipolar Cycle, because it's a good overview, an easy read, and I like the authors' perspective.

I also highly recommend talking to a counselor about what you're going through. Counseling can help you uncover what's going on in your own mind and clarify your own needs while being a strong partner. Good luck.

First, and most importantly, the hospital is your friend, not your enemy. People go to the hospital when they are sick, and bipolar is a sickness. As you are seeing, the symptoms come and go. Don't let the frequency of symptoms confuse you though. Every time there are symptoms she is sick, just like if she had some kidneys that were failing or a bum leg.

My SO's last visit to the hospital was for suicidal compulsions. They stabilized the timing of her medication and of her sleep. They tried to give her simple feelings of joy (that she responded to) that help to give a long-term sense that the good things in life are worth the troubles.

Dealing with delusions is difficult, so I'll tell you what my SO told me. Be very frank with her that it is a delusion. DO NOT argue with her about it, confidently assert that it is a delusion instead. I tell SO that she can trust my judgement, that the delusions are part of her disorder, and that the they will pass with time. The earlier you catch them the better.

Regarding the polarized feelings toward you, this is classic black-and-white thinking, or "splitting". Splitting can supposedly be treated with Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, something my family is trying out now. Here's the workbook I got for her. It resonates with her, but she mostly wants to get better.

Take mental note of positive feelings she has, when they happen. Journals work for some, but I don't need my SO going through my journal and starting weird conspiracy theories about my comments. So I take mental notes instead, so that I can remind her that "well, last week you seemed pretty happy, and were saying that our relationship was working out well." This is a great way to interrupt black-and-white thinking.

If you're going to give an ultimatum, do it for you, not for her. Know your boundaries. You're not superman, and you're not a trained bipolar therapist.

My SO and I just went through something like this, where she had a psychotic episode with violent physical expression. We have a kid, so I just can't tolerate this. She's staying with her Mom for a bit, while we figure out what to do. I simply am not prepared to deal with that while also raising a one-year-old.

If it weren't her Mom's it would have been back in the hospital. She follows medical advice, and I empathize, but I'm just not equipped to deal with that sort of behavior. So, it's not really an ultimatum, it's just the truth that there are limits on how much I can take.

Being a parent of someone with a mental illness must be so difficult. You helped develop and nurture this person, and now they're behaving in a way that might cause harm themselves or their relationships with others. And unlike most of the other SOs on this sub, you don't have the luxury of simply calling it quits if the relationship gets too hard.

So, if you haven't already, speak to a therapist about what you're going through. At the very least, a trained professional can give you tools to help you take care of yourself while you deal with this episode. In the best case, a therapist can teach you techniques on how to talk with someone with bipolar that actually might have a positive outcome.

To that end, you should read "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help!": https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0967718937 which outlines how to use the LEAP technique when dealing with someone with a mental illness. Someone else on this sub recommended that book, and I found it very helpful as well.

Finally, if your child does have a significant other, and if you are on good terms, you should speak to them. My wife's parents do not want to accept that she has bipolar - and after she was prescribed medication, they urged her not to take it (they would minimize and explain away her behavior as isolated incidents rather than symptoms of a disease). This undermined her treatment, and has made the process so much more difficult. My point is this: if you want your son/daughter to stay on their meds or see a psychiatrist, it helps to have a strong support network.

Without psychiatrist, it is difficult to arrive at a diagnosis (and sometimes it takes years to reach the correct one too). At times, it may not be good to attach any labels as it shifts the focus away from a solution.

The best advice I've gotten is from this book I am not sick, I don't need help! which describe the LEAP method, in a nutshell:-

1. Listen without judgement
   
2. Empathise with him/her
   
3. Accept their views (hardest for me at times)
   
4. Problem solve, if they want so hear suggestions
   
   It was like a lightbulb turning on after reading the book because my natural reaction to the mental illness causes more harm than good to the relationship. The goal is to establish trust and build a connection. Good luck.
   

Im with you...exactly with you. The self doubt left behind by their seemingly IDGAF attitude after that idolization phase is something no one can understand unless they've lived it. Im still trying to pick myself back up off the floor.

Any interaction with my SO, he just brings up more of what was wrong with the relationship, even towards the beginning... Im like what? We were insanely happy in the beginning like you describe, almost euphoric, so now he is saying there were always problems. None of it makes sense and never will. Im taking all the advice I can off of here, step one I got a self help book and just a half a chapter in I can see I picked the right one. " Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You , google the reviews on amazon. Sounds like a great one. Somewhere along the way I bottled my self worth in him. Im going to do everything I can to make sure that never happens again. Everything you are saying i exactly what im living and trying to fix.

I read this book a couple weeks ago. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006CUXPEK/

It's aimed more at significant others than parents or the person diagnosed. I think it contains some good strategies for diffusing outbursts and recognizing when symptoms are getting stronger. It also talks about knowing when to quit a relationship. You might find it comforting and reassuring.

I don't know about her particular meds but a lot of these do have side effects that kind of have to be balanced out along with the helpful effects. I've noticed impairment in my mental facilities since I've gotten on meds and in times that are UP there is a good improvement in that, being sharper, but it has the downside of removing my concentration. Simple things like daydreaming to full on forgetting we are talking WHILE we are talking. But the latter is on an extreme end. I first started noticing the concentration when I was meditating. I had worked myself up to about 20 minutes but at times couldn't do 2 minutes because of it. Reading books at times being multiple a month to not being able to get through a page in several minutes from trailing off, having to read, re-read, re-read again.

I don't think, at least in my case, that it's all meds that are doing the degrading stuff, the concentration or any fear type stuff. Mostly because some things would happen before meds. The reading type things I experience in my UP/DOWN cycles were there before meds and having a diagnosis sort of made me link it up. (BP isn't just ups and downs.)

But on to changing stuff. For the better! CBT! Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is great. This is the one I have. It can do all kinds of things like help you recognize when you're starting to go into a down/up swing. Reminding you to do the things that HELP you when you're changing cycles to minimize the damage so to speak. For the fear it could help to step through it logically to see that there is either nothing to fear or confirm that the fear is warranted. For example today, I have a fear of making phone calls sometimes. It doesn't always creep up but sometimes it does. This was a particularly sensitive situation that needed to be talked about and working everything out in my head, it had to be done no matter what outcome so "Lets get it over with so I won't worry about it anymore." is the way I changed my thoughts to do it.

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide was recommended by our counselor and it seems pretty good so far. It's relatively cheap and, even better, it's on audible.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1606235427/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1418269682&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40

First, write down a timeline, and key events that you want to remember. Write the dates down as best as you can. I wrote down things like symptoms, dangerous delusions, doctor's names etc. And it was really useful as a reality check looking back.

Next, remember that bipolar runs in families. Families settle on frameworks to stay together and feel ok, and it's super common that means denial and gaslighting, or calling someone crazy and moving on. When you're dealing with your fiance's family's reaction to their episode, remember you are also poking at whatever their history is with bipolar too. Looking at reality means facing stigma and whatever dark times that denial has let them gloss over.

Third, for your fiance, being in denial is really normal. For my SO, he went from being the hero in a dystopic universe to feeling depressed dealing with med side-effects, and ashamed of everything that had happened, and worried about all of his relationships, his future, etc. And it was too painful to face all of it at once for someone who felt so in control all of that time. Also when my guy got out of the hospital, he was still dealing with low grade delusion untangling. He was very disoriented. It takes a while to be able to face down all of that. Give it time.

Focus on surviving for a while. If you can, watch them while they're taking their meds. (my guy was very leery of me after the hospital, and lied to me about taking meds for a while)

As far as the family, I would try to redirect any rudeness, and let them know you are all on the same team. Let the dust settle and try not to buy into their us vs you narrative.

Get a therapist so you can get your own head as straight as you can.

Maybe couples and/or family therapy could be helpful in the future.

I found this book really helpful:

https://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Disorder-Patients-Families-Hopkins/dp/1421412063/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1523914638&sr=8-5&keywords=bipolar+disorder&dpID=41z7NbVmR3L&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch

Read A Brilliant Madness by Patty Duke. She had the disease, and writes frankly about her experience. Her narrative alternates with explanations of what's going on medically, in chapters written by a medical journalist.

There is NO understanding irrational thoughts or behaviour. The only thing we spouses can try is:

• Listen
  
• Empathy
  
• Agree
  
• Problem solve (if asked)
  
  That's from the book I am not sick, I don't need help - ask him to read it. Hope it does turn on a few lights bulbs in head as it did for me.

My husband is BP2 and was diagnosed about 3 years ago. A book I found really helpful was: http://www.amazon.ca/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1572243422/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1426032024&sr=8-2&keywords=Loving+Someone+with+Bipolar+Disorder%3A+Understanding+and+Helping+Your+Partner
I have read criticisms of this book that say you are basically a slave to your partner, but I have to admit that in living with someone with this disorder, you kind of are.

I'm in a similar situation. While mine is not a LDR, we don't live together yet and I commute to work in another city (1.5 hours away). Most of the time everything is fine since he is in a stable state at the moment, thanks to medication, but sometimes I also worry when something doesn't seem OK and I'm at work or when we don't see each other for a few days. I understand exactly what you say about not wanting to be overbearing (or smothering in my case, asking way too much if he is OK, for example), mainly because my SO has been dealing with it on his own his whole life (his family doesn't know) and he is very independent. But still, I worry, its inevitable. I've had a couple of anxiety attacks and both times I really thought something wasn't right because of a number of factors but in the end nothing bad was happening, he had just overslept or was busy or something. I went with a psychologist for other stuff but this became the main topic. Unfortunately she wasn't quite up to date on the bipolar disorder subject and finally I thought it wasn't taking me anywhere so I stopped going. Anyways, refocusing on your question 'what should I do?', I can recommend the book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, it has been an eye opener and it even provides some insight into bipolar medication. I'm thinking of getting an appointment with my SO's psychiatrist (if he is OK with it), so her or someone she recommends could help me find ways to cope with my (maybe) unfounded worries but mostly with ways I can actually be of help and service to my SO; perhaps you could do the same.