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Top comments that mention products on r/DecidingToBeBetter:

u/UnluckyWriting · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

u/_sarcasm_orgasm · 21 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.

I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.

On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.

Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.

Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you

Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable

u/windywelli · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Ok /u/ACfireandiceDC, here goes:

I was diagnosed ADD a few years back after I read an account of someone describing their ADD symptoms on a Humans of New York post, of all things.

I read their life story and thought, shit, this sounds awfully relateable.

As soon as I was diagnosed, it became obvious I'd suffered since I was a child, and in-fact my Dad had, too - ADD is often genetic.

In being diagnosed, I was able to start better understanding why I acted in certain ways, and therefore able to start deploying strategies to navigate the challenges I faced.

This included starting on medication, initially Ritalin, but at this stage, I take Dextroamphetamine as I find it's much kinder to me later in the day during the 'crash' associated with amphetamine stimulant meds (note: the effects are entirely personal and vary greatly from person to person).

With hindsight, it's now obvious to me that ADD, and many other similar 'labels' are a general attempt to describe a group of symptoms that can range wildly from diagnosee to diagnosee - what I'm trying to say is that similar to Autism, I believe ADD and other similar disorders are sub-sets of a spectrum.

In my case, and by that I mean my individual 'genetic' traits which are associated with ADD, I suffer from the following things:

  • Performance anxiety/perfectionism
  • Extreme procrastination
  • Difficulty focusing
  • Problems with timings and organisation

    There are probably a few more I could squeeze in, but for the most part that's my slice of cake.

    Now, at this stage of the game, a few years into the diagnosis, I've spent much time and effort reading books, studies, anecdotes and so forth which have lead me to some interesting conclusions (that I have no doubt will continue to evolve):

    Overall, I think most of my symptoms are a manifestation of a type of anxiety, not dissimilar to what I imagine you experience with OCD.

    As a designer, if I can't get something 100% spot on within my own idea of 'perfect', I'll quickly end up grinding to a halt and giving up.

    Likewise, if I mess up a deadline early on, I'll lose all ability to continue, instead, becoming stuck in a bottomless pit of self-loathing and procrastination.

    My point is, I can trace most of my symptoms back to this type of 'anxiety'.

    I think, in many ways, this stems back to a conflict between my self-image and the reality of productivity requiring the suspension of 'perfection' in order to get things done.

    What I mean is: in my head, I want everything I do to be perfect because my ego constantly tells itself that it's special and unlike everyone else - when I look around, I see everyone elses work that seems mediocore and average, and I 'know' that I am capable of so much better, but then when I am working on something, as soon as I faulter and begin to struggle to get it 'just right', I am no longer capable of working and the procastination sets in - perhaps just a sub-conscious defense mechanism against the realisation that I, too, am mortal, and not as 'perfect' as my ego so desperately needs me to be - a form of cognitive disonance.

    As a side note, I've often wondered if this insecurity stemmed from my parents, or perhaps from bullying during my formative years - a question I fully intend on getting to the bottom of as soon as I can afford to see a professional.

    With this realisation under my belt, I've slowly but surely been able to make great strides in the last few months towards something that finally seems like an effective counter-attack.

    When starting a big project, I let myself spend hours, if not days, engrossing myself in the details and getting comfortable with the task set out before me. I find this helps silence many of the 'voices' (metaphorical) before they have a chance to bring me down and derail the train.

    The aim is to understand what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and importantly, that I can do it, alongside a light but constant reminder that I need to focus on finishing something over lower quality rather than giving up on something nearer to perfection (in my industry, a common phrase is 'Just Fucking Ship It' (ship = launch) and 'Shipped is better than perfect').

    Alongside the effective medication, frequent cardio, no longer drinking alcohol, a good nights sleep, meditation and a quiet, healthy work environment, I'm starting to see real change.

    I'm no-where near the 'utopia' of productivity I have in my mind, and honestly, I likely never will be - that's okay.

    But as someone who has spent literally years hating myself for not being able to command myself into action, the slightest signs of a 'pulse' are incredibly exciting.

    It's taken a lot of effort and time to get here, but I firmly believe that if I can, anyone can.

    If you have any further questions or think I might be able to share some other useful information, please feel free to message me or simply reply here (this applies to OP and anyone else who might stumble across this reply, at any point in the future).

    As much as I hope you find this reply useful in some way on its own, I also want to leave you with some actionable steps:

    If you haven't already, take a look at the GTD 'Getting Things Done' methodology. Regardless of whether you implement it or not, learning the 'science' behind it will help you on your journey.

    Here's a good place to start:

    Then here:

    Some brilliant books I'd suggest are as follows - I'm not great at reading a book the whole way through these days, so I find Audiobooks to be a God-send (mainly Audible):

    Mindset by Carol Dweck

    Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath

    Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday

    Principles: Life and Work
u/mofozero · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Heya. Thanks for the post, it was pretty intense but I completely get where you're coming from. If you're looking for advice, I can offer a couple of things.

First is a book that is pretty popular on this sub and I recommend to a lot of friends that have lost their purpose, it's called "So Good They Can't Ignore You" by Cal Newport. It's a really good guide to success and happiness in a career.

Second, you definitely need to relax a little bit. I've been through anxiety and depression and the way that you're thinking right now is a recipe for an unhappy life.

>I have to be immortalized in history. Ide rather be dead than average but I don’t know how im gonna be more than average.

Putting this level of pressure on yourself can only lead to perceived failure, even if you're succeeding. You need to focus more on the "means", rather than the "ends", meaning if you want to be a comedian and think you can, then focus on writing jokes and performing. Don't even think about "changing the world" or being mediocre.

If you're getting stuck in these kinds of thought patterns a lot, then I can recommend another book (again often recommended here):

Honestly, the title might sound corny, but this book has saved and changed so many lives that it's true worth is incalculable.

>there has to be more to life than just having a good time and discovering what everyone already knows exists

There is indeed. Life is experience. The more you get, the more you'll understand.

Best of luck, friend.

u/GrnTiger08 · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I've just finished this book and cannot wait to try the exercises. You could probably find the pdf somewhere online. I can't say much for anxiety but the first "Breaking Free Activity" goes along the lines of:

"Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information. If you have access to the Internet you can search for 12-step groups or support groups."

The point being that 1. You should let the pain out otherwise you will continue to suffer internally and externally. 2. Searching for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength because you are making the call to better yourself and that in itself is powerful. 3. Actions speak louder than words. Some people can tip-toe to better themselves, others must dive right in. You decide what you need to do and then do it, it's that simple but frustratingly difficult at the same time. If you don't think it's enough, go deeper. Ultimately action is what defines what you choose to better yourself.

In regards to not knowing what it means, it doesn't matter. It could be the simplest task to the complex anomaly. As long as YOU know it makes you better in some capacity, then it will make you better overall. Learn how to take any situation and apply a positive spin on it for yourself. You can't be better unless you look for and do things to make it so. Truth be told, you have to get out of your comfort zone ("the anxiety"). I'm in the same boat and am still making gains.

Best of luck!

u/thebuddy · 11 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I have found that becoming happier is the key to achieving more:
(Here's a highly-recommended book about that very topic:

  • Smile more often. Smiling releases endorphins and serotonin. Even fake smiling. Smiling begets more smiling.

  • Start and/or end your day by writing about the positive things that happened to you that day. Many people write a list of things they're grateful for. Personally, I just write about the positive things I encountered each day. I prefer to do this at the beginning of each day. It puts you in a positive mindset to start your day.

  • Start each day with a 'win'. Achieve or overcome something early in the day, especially if it's something you didn't want to do. This can help put you in a positive mindset to start your day.

    Read self-help books. As people, we know very little. Accept that and revel in the fact that you can spend your life learning from other people's mindsets and perspectives.

    Some recommendations:

  • How to Win Friends and Influence People (Learn how to deal with people better. Maybe the Holy Grail of self-help books. Having better interactions with people makes you a happier person and boosts your confidence.)

  • The Power of Habit (Work on building good habits. This book also talks about an important principle, a "keystone habit" - a strong habit to adopt that shows you that you can make other improvements in your life and as a result motivates you to do so.)

  • Think and Grow Rich (Become more motivated and believe more in yourself. Not just about becoming rich.)

  • The Happiness Advantage (Learn more about positive psychology and the power of happiness as a motivational factor in your life.)

  • The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

    I have found that most things I've read in these books are things I already "knew", but didn't really internalize until reading about them.

    You can use an app/website like Blinkist to get the key insights of many of these books summarized for you. I find that doing that in addition to reading/listening to the book really helps you absorb the information better.

u/IGaveHerThe · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Just be careful, it's easy to fall down the rabbit hole of 'thinking you're being productive' but working ON things instead of "In" things. (Meta-procrastination is reading a book about getting organized instead of getting organized.) You should strive to have the simplest, most boring system that actually works for you. It's very easy to get caught up in the trap of researching the latest and greatest fad rather than actually doing the hard tasks that need to be done.

The 'classic' is "How to take control of your time and your life" by Lakein. This is the most generic, 1970s version of time management possible, but is helpful to understand as it is kind of 'responded to' by multiple other authors, even if they don't call him out by name.

Another frequently referenced work is "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Covey. This gets mentioned in a lot of places. It is a 'top down' style.

For a completely different perspective, try "Getting Things Done" by Allen. This will lead you to realize how many commitments that you have made. It is more 'bottom up'.

Finally, some of the most interesting stuff in this space that I have read is by Mark Forster. His latest book is here. And his blog is here.

At a high level, it is always useful to think about the utility of what you are doing - that is, making sure you are doing the right things, even if you are doing them slowly (working on your most important tasks), rather than doing low value tasks efficiently (man, I can read email quickly). Peter Drucker, Tim Ferriss (Four Hour Workweek), etc.

Other ideas/Books to research: JIT/Kanban, 80/20 'rule', "Eat that frog" by Brian Tracy. Smarter Faster Better by Duhigg, The Power of Habit also by Duhigg I also very much enjoyed. The Magic of Tidying up by Kondo might also give you some insight into cleaning out your commitments.

Hope this helps. I have read all of these so let me know if you have questions I guess...

u/Micosilver · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

First, with depression: I found this book very helpful:

About the path: It will show itself, you should just enjoy your life and be open to opportunities.

At 23 I was about to be promoted to a position above my competence level, which I was fired from at 25, which ended my military service career. I had no education, alone. I tried college for two years and failed. I started a process of moving to another country, which took me over 5 years. In that period I went into sales, which became my real career. At 43 I am still learning, improving myself, but I am healthy, have a great family, and I enjoy making 6 figures in sales.

Your job doesn't have to be what you will do for the rest of your life. It is OK to work to support yourself, as long as you have something you enjoy between work shifts. You like music? Make music. Not full time for money, it's enough if you enjoy it, and you find someone else that will enjoy it.

u/bihfutball · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Congrats to you for deciding to create a better life for yourself!

I would focus on one thing at a time [don't expect to be able to get to everything right away].

It looks like you're on the right path based on your goals, but I would add reading to it also. Anything that can help you change your perspective on your life and increase your confidence. Books like The Obstacle is the Way, The Power of Now, and How to Win Friends & Influence People.

Just remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. It will take time, but if you keep at it you will see some real beneficial changes.

u/Tweeters_ · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

I'd say you first need to understand that there's no quick fix. It's something you'll need to work at consistently but just start with small things everyday to begin with. Whether that's eating a little healthier, taking a 5-10 minute walk when you have some free time, maybe looking into meditation. Journaling your thoughts would also be a good start. There are many ways to tackle it so you'll have to find what works best for you.

I'd tell your counselor just what you've said in this post. Explain your situation, what your feelings are, and they'll walk you through it from there. Good counselors know how to ask productive questions, allowing them to give useful advice, provide compassion, so on.

Also, all-or-nothing thinking is something you'll want to avoid. Saying your life would be ruined if you didn't do well in school is a false cognition, that's putting a lot of pressure on yourself. If you're open to self help books I'd strongly recommend this one.

Just know that you can get through this. Again it takes consistent effort but it's completely doable. Do what you can to not put pressure on yourself regarding school, talk to someone, and look into building healthy daily habits. You can do this.

u/two-thirds · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Well I think this may possibly be more complex than Feeling Good as I think Feeling Good is really palatable. I think the Feeling Good Handbook is better to keep and look up tidbits from the table of contents.

But my one suggestion is "A Guide to Rational Living" by Albert Ellis. This is REBT which is like the progenitor of CBT.

It basically hammers home one concept, one exercise, and that's ABC(DE).

  • A = Activating Event
  • B = Beliefs (both rational and irrational)
  • C = Consequences
  • D = Disputing
  • E = More Effective ways to think, feel and behave.

    In this book many of the chapters and concepts are taught through a conversation between client and therapist.

    It's simpler as it focuses on one thing, ABCDE. However, goes deeper because of the narrowed scope.

    It's pretty logical, clean, and elegant system. Though, seems quite opposite from ‘Your Erroneous Zones’ from what I see from the pages on Amazon, more rigid.

    Check out the table of contents and pages I've linked from Amazon and see if you're interested.
u/DummyDepression · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Yep, Visualization did jack shit for me too. I've read many self-help books, and so far the only ones that have helped me were those written by scientists who have researched their field for a long time, and people recommend them, that also had practical exercises in them. Very specific, but that's the truth. Here's a list:

u/graz2342 · 22 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking up in a group of people is hard unless you are comfortable with them and I don't believe that is the reason you struggle to develop relationships. Sure, if you're confident and witty, then it's a foot in the door, allowing you to start developing a relationship - if you are always on the edge of things then it becomes more difficult.

I was always on the edge of things in high school. I would sometimes try and insert a comment but it would be forced because I was desperately trying to get myself noticed. When you are in that frame of mind, you aren't relaxed and it becomes far harder to contribute to the conversation.

I used to think this was a fundamental flaw of mine until I got to university and developed a group of friends that actually valued me. I felt relaxed around them and my personality started to come through more.

There are a couple of books that I've read that have really clicked with me. You sound a lot like me, so I think they will help.

u/purell_man_9mm · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I'd suggest The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. The book contains a full plan for a super effective system that describes a) how to get rid of things you don't need and b) how to organize the things you do need.

I was a minimalist before reading this book to the point where friends made fun of me. I still managed to get rid of 3/4 of my possessions after reading it.

For me the book helped me get past a lot of my psychological hangups around holding onto things, buying too much, and not letting things go. After using the strategy in the book a few times over 2-3 years, a lot of items I previously saw as necessary I later had no issue getting rid of. The author's strategies for organizing the things you do keep work great too.

The book is only as good as your willingness to actually do the steps though. Having this issue with an SO is trickier. It's a tremendous amount of work to get past your own hangups and implement a system that works, let alone convince someone else. You could try going through the book together and doing the steps together (the book has 7 stages of getting rid of stuff, maybe do one per week independently with your own things); not sure how well that would go in practice though. Good luck!

u/SwaggMuffin · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach is an absolutely amazing book on self love and accepting what is. I picked it up after Tim Ferriss recommended it on his podcast.

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay is pretty much *the* book on self love.

u/ProfessorCereal · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Meditation I think should be the first ingredient. Learning to calm the mind first, then getting to know the mind and why it does what it does would be a great foundation as you continue to build yourself up. Gaining some insight as to WHY you shame and hate yourself can open all kinds of doors for you. Most people just want it all to go away, which is not a long term approach. Keep in mind, this is the long game, so if you are looking for quick fixes meditation will not be appealing. It is a true test of your commitment to bettering yourself. Be up for the challenge, and be patient!

I would really highly recommend checking out some books, one in particular that is very helpful for people in your spot :

It is also important to have support. If not from friends or family, from reddit strangers :)

u/ludwigvonmises · 24 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Habits I'm building

  • Wake up at 6am
  • Meditate every day
  • Practice German for 30 min every day

    Habits I'm destroying:

  • Video games during the workweek
  • Smoking weed
  • Masturbation

    I had other habits in April and May that were successfully integrated/defeated, and I moved on from them (one was waking up at 6:30am).

    I have to give a lot of credit to /r/theXeffect for giving me a consistent manner in which to track progress and hold myself accountable. It's really gratifying to see the X marks day after day after day and TO KNOW that my brain is being rewired to want these things by the new cue/routine/reward cycle I'm enforcing.

    If you want more knowledge about the actual science of habit formation (it helps me understand the why and the how, not just the what), pick up a copy of The Power of Habit - it's actually a very entertaining read as well.
u/Swordsmanus · 8 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

To expand on the exercise/lift advice:



Buy Starting Strength and/or check out their wiki, their videos and the Art of Manliness playlist for Starting Strength. I personally also recommend some core work each session. Try progressing from 3 sets of 90 second knee-planks, to full planks, to 3 sets of 15 hanging knee lifts to hanging leg lifts and ab roller work.

Once your 1 rep max for the main lifts reach intermediate level or your progression starts to stall after at least 3-6 months, switch to Candito's 6-week Strength Program. You can calculate your 1 rep max via exrx's handy calculator.



Try the Couch to 5k running program. They also have a free app for iOS and Android. You should be able to run a 30 minute 5k in 2-3 months.

The lifting takes 3-4 hours a week. The running takes 2 hours a week. You'll get great results.

u/RedditAccountFor2018 · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

I recommend this book to nearly everyone with anxiety/depression/anger issues. Check it out. Its helped me immensely!

It may feel stupid at first but if you take it to heart, and actually stay committed I promise you'll come out a better person.

u/FF0000panda · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Sorry for the Amazon links, but these books are phenomenal. My goals for 2016 are 1) learn how to find my own happiness 2) get away from needing stuff and 3) read more. I got this set of books as a way of kick-starting my year of self exploration, and if I read your post correctly that's kinda what you're looking for, too.

u/jimboge32 · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Highly suggest audiobooks or if you have chrome on a computer and/or a voice assistant on a smartphone (Siri, Google, etc.) then use the Read Aloud/ Text-To-Speech features for books in the ePub format. Here's some links for these tools:

•Read-Aloud Features: Siri on iOS or Google on Android
•Online Text-To-Speech Program: Natural Reader (Free use for basic voice, sounds a little robotic but it's handy)
• Book Management Software: Calibre (can convert PDFs, Kindle format books to ePub. May not always work due to DRM and content formatting.)

Recommended books:
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns, MD
(Amazing book for anyone looking to turn their mental health and lifestyle around with the power of cognition)

Mindsight by Dr. David Siegel, MD
(Another psych book dealing with various techniques for improving our mind-body-spirit connection from a neurobiological standpoint)

•.The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle
(The book has sort of a cult vibe but the overall message is about understanding who you are in the present and not letting your mind stop you from living beyond your physical capabilities)

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
(Very down to earth guidelines about how to adjust perspectives that focus less on others and more on your own needs)

I wish you good luck and remember that everything you need is already with you.

u/Jordbord · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

No problem, my guy! Okay so book-wise. The two main recommendations are dependent on what it is you're going through, so choose your own adventure I guess...

So for a broad take on what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which is what I'm describing above) is with perhaps somewhat more of a focus on depression than anything else I'd go with this:

However if you want something from the same author that specialises more specifically in CBT for Anxiety it's this:

I personally read 2/3 the way through the first one wandering when it was going to go more into Anxiety until I found the second one and just went through all of that myself. But as I've mentioned, the first one introduces you to the concept of CBT overall better. But both books have a handful of techniques that help you untangle certain thought illusions (or 'Cognitive Distortions' as they are officially titled) which cause Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Anger, etc.

As for other recommendations; Maybe my second favourite book is 10% Happier by Dan Harris, which is quite a popular one you may have heard of. Basically about an NBC reporter's journey through the world of meditation, which is also a really worthwhile subject to anyone interested in the upkeep of their own mental health or indeed the mental health of others.

Then I guess the book I've gifted the most and my personal favourite is Anxiety As An Ally by Dan Ryckert which is an account of a game journalist's experience with Anxiety growing up. Honestly the easiest book I've ever read. It's just so unpretentious and candid, genuinely funny at points too. I've found it's been a really nice way to get family members to understand what Anxiety or even mental health in general is. A very encouraging and vindicating read for anyone who has dealt with it.

u/anyideas · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

One thing that helps me break out of this is an idea from Feeling Good, which is a pretty helpful book on cognitive therapy.

Get one of those little tally counters and for every single thing you do that day, even if it's just brushing your teeth or putting on pants, give yourself a tally. By the end of the day, you'll be amazed at how much stuff you did that day, and it'll inspire you to keep doing more stuff 'cause you won't feel like you're a total lazy slob. Even if you end up sitting around watching tv all day, there's always SOMETHING to tally. This helps me break the cycle of feeling guilty for not doing stuff.

u/DEStudent · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Hi: I have some recommendations for your situation, bit I want to ask: do you exercise or do any type of physical activity? The reason I ask is exercise is one of the most under prescribed treatments for depression. Now, that is not to say it is a cure. I am advising you utilize it in addition to whatever the current treatment plan is. Also do you do any sort of volunteer work? Here is the list:

The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step-by-Step Program

The Mindful Way Workbook: An 8-Week Program to Free Yourself from Depression and Emotional Distress
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

Lastly and most important: I applaud your desire to make positive changes in your life. Don't be afraid to get professional help, and if you ever feel suicidal, please please please reach out to someone. A doctor, a friend, a stranger at /r/suicidewatch whatever. Don't make a permanent decision about a temporary problem. Keep striving and trying. Best wishes! You can do this ☺

u/Utexan · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Try this: The Feeling Good Handbook

I saw a recommendation on Boing Boing years ago and it helped me a lot. I had a lot of anxiety and a was having panic attacks. I didn't even read the whole book...I just focused on the anxiety section and it helped. I still get anxious now and then but haven't had a panic attack since. It completely changes my relationship with anxiety.

I'd also recommend meditation. Headspace really got me into it although I don't keep up like I should. Probably why I'm feeling more anxious lately!

Best of luck!

u/Aram_Fingal · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Basically, I wouldn't worry about being unhealthily co-dependent in a relationship you're largely happy in and where there are no issues of abuse or addiction. The concept of co-dependence has been co-opted and applied to situations where it's not terribly relevant. Unlike the bloggers of the world, I'm going to admit that I'm nowhere near qualified to dole out this kind of advice, though.

I recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more on this topic. It's an easy read and helps you understand patterns you may have seen in yourself or your partners. Also, it seems well grounded in science. The authors continually cite psychological studies, which is more compelling than it sounds.

u/just_another_primate · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

My self-talk was a non-stop flood of corrosive negativity. Like, so fucking cruel and toxic it was agonizing.

I can suggest some things that helped me quiet those voices:

  • Read Feeling Good and do some online research on CBT

  • Keep a journal. It'll help you be mindful of your thoughts

  • Remember that just because you have a thought, it doesn't mean that thought is true.

  • Challenge your dis-empowering thoughts and look for evidence against them.

  • Start each day listening to something from Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Earl Nightingale, Owen Cook, etc. Also read (or read the online summary) of The 4 Agreements, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the 6 Pillars of Self Esteem, Dale Carnegie, Brian Tracy...

  • Take positive action. I started doing volunteer work, and helping others really helped me

  • Continue to write in your journal.

    You can beat this.
u/kaidomac · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Oh, to be clear, I'm not saying to gloss over your failings. If you screw something up, that's obviously not something you should feel good about, and should commit to doing better next time. But feeling like you've wasted time in the past & that you're wasting time with every other decision you're making isn't something that is really great to focus on. If you want yet another book for the list, check out "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy":

The basic concept presented is that your thoughts create your feelings. So basically you control how you feel by how you think. And if you crap on yourself all the time mentally, then that's going to make you feel down. Again, that is separate from owning up to your failures. If you were a jerk in some situation, then that's on you. But if you're constantly ruminating over having wasted your life up to this point & are suffering from bad FOMO that turns into inaction due to indecision, that's different, because you can DO something about that.

I recommend that Attitude is Everything book as an easier introduction to this concept, the concept that your attitude, that how you think, really is what controls everything in your life. It's like the Wayne Gretsky quote - "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". If you tell yourself you can't, then you won't, because you'll never take that first step mentally.

Right now you are swimming in a pool of indecision. That indecision leads to inaction and leads to quitting whenever you run into something hard, like facing boredom when you study something new. You will continue treading water in that pool forever unless you decide to change things. I know plenty of older adults who have never quite put in the effort of figuring out what they want to do, who could have lived much more driven & happy lives if they had really made progress on that front instead of just paddling in place. One of my college buddies just turned 30 and is constantly telling people who he's "still figuring out what he wants to do with his life". He's made a hobby out of avoiding settling down on anything. He works at stupid job after stupid job and keeps himself busy with various useless hobbies to distract himself from how depressing his life is. The truth is, there is no perfect job, because the perfect job is more of a combination of something you enjoy doing and even moreso how you feel about it, i.e., what your attitude is towards it. But you can also be a millionaire and be super grumpy about life too & never be satisfied with anything.

So the way I see it is that you have only two problems right now:

  1. You are stuck with indecision about what you want to focus on
  2. You quit when you do get focused on a specific task as soon as it becomes difficult (whether that's because it's hard or boring or you feel like you're missing out on doing something else or whatever the excuse is for not completing the task)

    So imagine for a moment how much better your life would be if you defined a calling for yourself...a big picture that would motivate you to be "gritty" through the hard stuff & make progress every day. Imagine having a purpose for learning, so that you can actually get through the hard stuff because you have a reason to. Imagine how good it would feel to be working on the things that YOU have selected because of the goals that YOU have chosen. Right now, that big picture is you finding a big picture. Don't expect it to be easy, and don't expect it to be you get older, what you want will change. But for now, figuring that out will give you some direction in your life so that when things like learning get hard, you will have a reason to push through it & finish it.
u/kimininegaiwo · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

For anxiety, I recommend The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. I found it quite helpful.

I haven't read this one myself, but The Feeling Good Handbook seems to be popular on /r/anxiety. I'm thinking of purchasing this next.

u/GenesystemIsDown · 24 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

There's two components to this.

One, realize if you land in a relationship you won't magically get happy. No one thing in life makes everything better. Life is complex and misery comes from a lot of sources. If you're miserable outside of a relationship there's a good chance you'll be even more miserable in one. Also, you now have less time and money. To really understand misery and getting over I'd recommend Feeling Good and The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.

The second part, let's say you really do want success with women. Or at least to try it out. You're probably unskilled. That's it. You aren't a loser. You aren't a failure. You're just unskilled. Think about it like this. We all have to work to eat and survive. There are dozens of strategies for job hunting, but I've never heard anyone exclaim, "ah, don't worry about it. Just be confident and you'll land your dream job one day". You think about the type of career you want, think about how to build a presentable resume, create a strategy to get the experience you need. Plenty of steps and strategy. Same with seduction. For this I'd recommend Models and asking around /r/seduction. There's a lot of different strategies out there (a lot of terrible along with good) and figuring out what works for you, but the important thing is just realizing it's a learned skill. It isn't fate woven by gods from the beginning.

u/Lemmiwinks_NO · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

T-Nation on how to lift and other advice. Great book on lifting - Starting Strength. This site and this book on how to eat. Don't just stuff yourself with pizzas, eating well will improve your life more than anything I know.

u/lucasandrew · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

I would recommend The Happiness Advantage. Still one of the best books I've read and really helped me, specifically for putting my problems in perspective.

u/kelmit · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

What you're suggesting is one good exercise from the DBT Workbook. That one has a lot of good prompts for journals.
I recommend it to everyone.

u/erki · 10 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

YES! Congrats, so excited for you! I made this same decision 3 years ago (after smoking for ~10yrs), and can honestly say it was one of the best decisions of my life. Just get through those first 3 weeks and you're home free. Haven't had a craving for years, and that voice inside my head constantly telling me I'm a fucking idiot for smoking has long since been silenced. I mean, it still tells me I'm a fucking idiot for a whole host of other reasons, but not for smoking!

You seem to have managed to quit all on your own willpower, which is something you should be very proud of. However, if you do find yourself faltering or like it's too hard, I cannot recommend Alan Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Smoking enough. It is the only no bullshit method I've come across and it really really works.

Keep it up, you have no idea how good you're going to feel once you get over this!

Pro tip: Don't say "I can't smoke" or "I'm quitting", instead say "I don't smoke" and "I have quit.", especially when you're talking to yourself. If you say "I can't" you're telling yourself that you aren't allowed to do something. Which is something we're hard-wired to argue against. If, instead, you say "I don't", you are reinforcing the personality trait of someone who does not smoke. You are reminding yourself of who you are now — a non-smoker.

u/whatisinitforme · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

> Some of my reasons behind this are:
a) somebody has already done what I want to do, some people are extremely successful at it, so what's the point of even starting?
b) I can only start if i know what I do will be absolutely perfect/successful
c) what if people judge me or don't like me or what I do?
d) what if I fail?

From your reasons, it sounds like you have a fixed mindset. I recommend you buy the book Mindest: The New Psychology of Success, and read it as a start. It's okay if you fail and are not absolutely perfect/successful. The basic idea is here.

I can't help you with everything, but you're pretty young, and you will get there. For real though, read this.

u/geargirl · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Cited works:

u/spassa · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

u are trying too much at a time. choose one thing only and do it for 4-8 weeks until it becomes a habit. now you dont have to motivate yourself any longer because you developed a habit that doesn't need any motivation to be done. pick the next thing of your list and repeat. this will take his time but will work much better then you current approach.

if you want to read more

motivation is like a muscle that gets sore fast. habits don't need motivation, that's why they are habits.

u/NotFromReddit · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I don't know his specific situation. For option 1, read this book: Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Learn how to enjoy anything. You don't have to read the whole thing; Just cherry pick the chapters that seem applicable to you.

u/SchoolSupernintendo · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Book recommendation: "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber. It's a very accessible "self help" style book about Zen meditation and awareness practice. Huge breakthrough moment for me with regards to combating shame/self-hate/self-doubt. I had it on a wish-list for years and failed to buy it because my brain was like "Clearly there is something wrong with you" but it ended up being the first meditation guide I found that felt possible/do-able for me. Worth a shot yo.

u/1slander · 6 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Give this book a try. If you want the epub/audiobook let me know. It did wonders for my ability to get up and do things that I want and need to do.

u/OneInAZillion · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Rewire by Richard O'Connor

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

I cannot recommend either of these books enough, especially Rewire. It changed my life and completely fixed the way I view myself and the things I do.

u/xOrder69 · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I suggest you read this book and make the commitment to start working on yourself. In the end you are the only person who can do anything about your situation.

u/0xd4e · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

/u/nezxmi call 1-800-273-8255 if in the US and read this book:

And please report back and pm me if you want to talk to someone.

u/johnsamuelgray · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

That may give you a better understanding of this mindset. But going a little deeper, not giving a fuck is just a perspective. It's a different way of interpreting our life as we experience it.

Instead of including what other people think of our actions in our brain processes, we just notice that what we do affects other people, but instead of letting it deter us from what we want to do, we just do it anyways.

Not giving a fuck takes a lot of practice, I feel many years away from truly mastering this, as I feel I've been conditioned during my life so far to give a very large fuck about what others think of me whenever I do anything.

u/Kortheo · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

This is the right answer. The things you're afraid of are often the things that will make you most fulfilled if you do them anyway. Action is what drives you forward. Check out The Obstacle is the Way.

u/monochromicorn · 9 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Use the KonMari method! I didn't realize until I read this book what 'organized' actually meant: Link

u/WeGrowOlder · 6 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Read the book Mindsight. Don’t commit to anything because you don’t have to. Just take one step and read this book and it will give you little tidbits of information on how the brain works. Maybe if you understand how and why your neurons fire the way they do then you can make a decision to do something different. Until then, just collect information. Read the book. mindsight

u/lisowczyk · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Read a book! It might sound crazy, but after that i completly lost my cravings for cigs. The Book title is: The easy way to stop smoking.

This one!


u/tinspoons · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

I would suggest it's a perception problem. Anger is normal, AND you don't have to see things in the same way you have. Here's a book that helped immensely. If you see things from a pov of what you don't have/didn't get, you'll always be mired in anger. This book would help you see things a little differently and, hopefully, release some of this.

u/MrSamsonite · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I would recommend a method used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), as described in this fantastic book. The goal is to recognize the distortions behind the negative thoughts you're telling yourself:

Write down three columns on a piece of paper: Automatic Thoughts, Distortions, and Rational Response.

  1. When you have one of these negative thoughts (around self image or anything else), write it down in the Automatic Thought column.
  2. Review the distortions above, and note any that apply in the Distortions column
  3. Knowing that what you're telling yourself is distorted, what is a more rational response to this thought?

    Automatic Thought: I got rejected - I'm worthless and ugly and nobody will ever love me

    Distortions and Rational Responses:
  • Fortune Telling: How do I know nobody will ever love me?
  • All or Nothing Thinking: Just because I got rejected doesn't mean I'm worthless - that's way too extreme
  • Jumping to Conclusions: Maybe getting rejected has a lot more to do with them than it does about me - I don't know what's going through their head
  • Discounting the Positive: I put myself out there and should be awfully proud of myself for doing so
  • Catastrophizing: That's a very extreme response to getting rejected - people get rejected all the time, and that's totally okay. It doesn't mean my world is over!

    This approach has been extremely helpful for me in just a short period of time - by identifying these thoughts when they occur and working through the distortions I tell myself, it's become easier for me to catch these negative automatic thoughts and replace them with rational responses, which makes the negative thoughts fewer and farther between.

    A key point is to write out this exercise - not just think through it. It's just like working out, and you need those intentional repetitions to make progress.
u/tanaciousp · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

There is nothing wrong with you. Let me say this again, there is nothing wrong with you. Now repeat this to yourself: "There is nothing wrong with me."

Modern society raises us with this idea in our heads that we're constantly, yet subtly told that there is something wrong with us. It's simply not true. When I get down on myself, as you're struggling with I read this book and remind myself "There is nothing wrong with you".

u/DancingUnderTheMoon · 36 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I've been reading The Power of Now, which is helping me realize how the present moment is all we have and is the only thing that can give us inner peace. I am still reading it, but the book has certainly helped me better understand this. "All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry -- all forms of fear -- are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." (Eckhart, p. 61)

u/Cultun · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Thanks for taking my words to heart. I'm a bit older than you and have felt myself in your situation around your age as well as many years later. I'd like for you to not have to deal with the prolonged suffering as I did!

Depression is absolutely addicting! Or should I say, your ego is absolutely addicted to suffering and punishment, especially when the punishment really isn't so bad immediately or physically.

The trick is, depression locks us into a temporary frame of content that doesn't appreciate much from the past or have us looking forward to a better outcome in future. It's like being stuck out on the sea in a lifeboat without a map or knowledge of astral-positioning (guidance by the sun and starts); there's nowhere you can foreseeably navigate to and where you came from doesn't seem to matter all the much at the moment. We become content with merely drifting and staying afloat.

You are afraid of becoming content with your state of existence because it's become habit and it's proven not to be a physical threat to your life. But, you obviously want more for yourself. Why else would you have identified this target of seeking support? Why post on this subreddit instead of lurking r/birdswitharms?

Recognize that you mindbody wants you to punish yourself, but also that you are feeding it without question.

Fear is actually more of a navigator that a motivator; fear tells us what is most important to us and which challenges we truly want to overcome. Putting yourself in a negative state isn't useful. Understanding what the worst possible outcome of any action plan you've designed for yourself is a practical approach to putting the fear of failure in its place.

Reading: The Obstacle is the Way

A lot of people who had it MUCH less worse off than you made it through for the better. Wouldn't you agree?