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First of all, my heart aches for you and I am so sorry about your mom. You have every right to miss her and grieve her loss. My mom was 57 and died 5 weeks ago. I can't compare our two losses because yours was unexpected and my mom was sick. We thought she had lots of time left, but we did essentially understand it would likely be the last Christmas, etc. I share that just to reiterate that grief does not look the same across the board. I can't even imagine your heartache right now.

With that said -- I can share there are ways for you to definitely "feel" your loved one and receive messages. If anyone would've told me this a year ago, I would have called them crazy or said it was grief-induced hallucinations. I'm a Christian and thought it was outside my beliefs to even hear from my loved one, which is also crazy when we believe in eternal life. If our loved ones live on, well then of course they might want to let us know they're safe.

Now that I've lived through it, it is REAL. The first thing is to familiarize yourself with the "common ways deceased loved ones communicate to you." I was only introduced to this phenomenon when my close friend died a couple years ago. I started finding feathers everywhere in the strangest places. My mom and I actually talked about it back then because it was the strangest thing. I wouldn't look for them nor think about my friend in the moment and the feathers kept showing up tucked under my shoelaces or under a hat in the car, along my path out of place, etc. At first it kind of scared me, then it made me smile and affected my mood and really strengthened me. It gave me a little "nudge" that basically reminded me: "Hey, don't worry about me. I'm fine and doing well. Go live your life."

My mom saw the profound impact it had on me. I told my mom then that if anything ever happened to her, she had to promise me she'd find a way to let me know she made it to Heaven. I just didn't think it'd really happen to me or that it was real. I convinced myself that the feathers were all an imagination.

Well after my mom died, she didn't waste any time. One of the last conversations I had with my mom she said "I'll send you red dots." I was like huh, red dots? She told "just wait, you'll see." She said it was a represented the blood of Jesus. I just laughed and told myself she was on a lot of drugs. My mom loved the Lord, but that's not something she would say. I remember in that moment kind of imagining that maybe one day I'd be walking in downtown and see giant red dots on buildings or something.

Well, right after she died I about fell over one morning when I walked outside and saw all these red flowers had bloomed inside these trees. I'd NEVER seen anything like it!!! When I looked out my window, the red flowers in the trees literally looked like red dots. Once again, some might say it's just a coincidence, but there was just a supernatural joy and peace that overcame me in that moment. I can't explain it other than to say I just KNEW it was her.

The other big thing that happened early on was the night before her funeral. I had an iPhone that bricked about six months ago and got it replaced. I was REALLY upset about it because it held so many vacation photos and videos. Like an idiot, I didn't save any of it and went to Apple repeatedly for them to help me retrieve the content. The phone was a goner, so I put it away in my home office and forgot about it. The night before my mom's funeral I was up all night editing the video we decided to play at her funeral. My brother wasn't around much and I became pretty emotional when I couldn't find any video of him to include in the funeral video. I was shaking and upset because I already knew how this would go down. He'd be mad that he was left out and it'd create some major tension.

WELL, I will never ever ever forget what happened next. It was the most incredible moment of my life! In the middle of the night my phone kept popping up with an iPhone message that said another phone with my Apple ID logged on. I dismissed it over and over and then it dawned on me like a brick hit me in the head. I walked to the office all stunned and thought to myself: "there is no freaking way." Sure enough, that old phone was suddenly ALIVE. I swear on my entire life. I found video of my mom singing happy birthday to my brother and got it done in time for her funeral. To this day, the phone still works and I've since been able to retrieve all the awesome videos of my mother off of it.

These are just two examples, but once I acknowledged I knew it was my mom, other fun things started happening. Mother's Day was especially hard for me this year until I woke up one morning and heard some little chirps. A bird built a nest right outside my window and the little babies popped their heads up right then. It was adorable. Coincidence? Could be. But when things continually keep happening, you realize it's for a reason. We've had his discussion at grief meetings and many shared similar situations where they just KNEW.

My mom was my best friend in the world and I miss her everyday. But she's communicated to me so many times that she's happy and that life exists beyond what we know here. That's given me such peace with just knowing she's safe. I'm now dealing with two different issues. I no longer worry about how she's doing or how she missed out on so many great things. I'm comforted in the fact that SHE'S okay now. The hardest part for me now is just missing her. Everything reminds me of her and I want to share so many things with her. That's the hard part for me right now. Just missing her. Somehow she's been able to deliver the message to me that there's nothing scary about dying and it's something I no longer fear.

I know some people might read this with skepticism as I once did. But it happens more than most people realize once you become OPEN to your mom visiting you. It can be through dreams, animals acting out of ordinary, butterflies, electricity, lights flickering, smelling their fragrance, hearing their voice, friends or strangers delivering advice out of the ordinary or using the same words your mom spoke, unfamiliar songs playing with just the message you need in that moment, feeling their presence or just this sense that someone is next to you, etc. It's hard to explain the supernatural in words; but trust me, you'll know it's your mom when it happens to you. Pay attention to your thoughts, too, when dialogue takes place in your head and thoughts might pop up with words your mom used. My mom didn't call me by my name. There are a couple times I ask myself a question and then I randomly get a response back, but not in a way I'd respond to myself. Rather, I hear the name my mom called me and her answer.

There are some great books to help. Hello From Heaven is about 20 years old, but the standard book on this and the first I read. They took 10K people who lost loved ones and share how their loved ones communicated. What stood out to me is the authors wrote that they did NOT include any accounts from people who sought out contact through mediums or psychics. They only included natural, spontaneous communication.

You'll see a pattern emerge and they also explain why it's not hallucinations and real (many times the deceased showed up before the person even had a chance to know their loved one had died). There are also a bunch of videos on YouTube if you look up after-death communication.

Watching the movie "The Shack" was also helpful just from a visual perspective. I had visions of my mom before I saw the movie. Once I saw the movie, I was really amazed at how much my visions aligned with some of the scenes in the movie and understanding how our loved ones are doing well. That's been the reoccurring theme with my mom. She just makes it known that she's still here, but gives me the courage to live my life.

Anyway, outside of all that, just know that you are loved and you have every right to miss your mom. When you become open to perhaps hearing from her, maybe google some articles on the common signs and then allow it to happen naturally. I'm confident your mom will comfort you somehow. I am so sorry for your loss and praying for you!

Edit: Don't lose sight of the fact that there's a reason you decided to post that message today. I never visit this sub and randomly searched for it today. Your message was the first and only I saw and I felt compelled to respond with my story. More than anything, I felt compelled to let you know that you're LOVED beyond your wildest dreams. You matter. You are enough. Your mom is safe. She is proud of you. She is soooo sorry that you're going through this and she's not there to hold you. Most of all, let your wings fly. You have been equipped with the knowledge to keep fighting. You are stronger than you EVER imagined. Pay attention to the people and messages delivered to you throughout your days. There might be a reason for it.

Edit 2.0: I added a couple specific stories on things that happened in my experience.

Hi, sorry for your sudden loss of someone very close to you. Everything you're feeling is completely normal. It's never easy to deal with the loss of someone you're close to. Grief has many faces, many different feelings will come up. And they're all natural and okay.

My mom died in December of 2016 and it's been really hard, and still is sometimes, but I will tell you what has helped me.

The first thing that helped me was to read this every day [Healing After Loss] (https://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1525687837&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+after+loss). The short little inspiring and touching passages and quotes helped me a lot when my concentration was very poor.

One thing I learned really quick was that grief has it's own seasons, you don't choose it much. It can be very overwhelming at times. But it does slowly get easier. I just try to be really kind and gentle with myself when I'm struggling. I ask for help more when I need it and take some extra time to care for myself or the feelings. And I let things slide a bit if it's not something really important.

Another thing you can do to manage the feelings, if done in moderation is to do some chores, take a shower, watch a movie, exercise, play a game w/e. But it's kind of a balancing act, because you need to feel your way through it, not avoid it excessively.

Another thing that can help a lot is to journal to your aunt, that way you can still sort of have a connection to her and also get a bit of closure.

Lastly, one of the most comforting thoughts to me is to realize that my mom lives on in me, in the care and support she gave me, in the shared interests, in the things she taught me, in the impact she had on every person she knew, in the memories. So even though she's not physically with me, she's here with me in spirit and she lives on as her impact ripples throughout life.

I know it's tough, my mom died suddenly too. It was shocking for me, and I felt angry that she didn't get more time and couldn't retire and just do what she loved. I felt upset that I didn't get to say goodbye.

I hope these suggestions help you. Good luck, hope you feel better.

> When I feel ok, or I laugh and smile, I feel guilty and worried that I’m not working through my grief in a healthy way because, as you said, that’s what everything tells you when you inevitably turn to google for answers.

Yep, this is one of the most common myths about grief. It has actually been studied extensively, and they have found that it is extremely common for people to have moments of joy, laughter, and positive feelings even in the earliest days of grief. They have also found that these people do not have "delayed grief" or "absent grief" like the internet says they will. That's also a myth. So do not worry that you're some day going to have a bunch of unresolved grief that causes you to melt down, because there's zero evidence for that. You are completely normal. There is nothing wrong with what you're feeling, and it does NOT in any way mean you are not "grieving properly."

Here's actually an article about it: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/the-secret-life-of-grief/281992/

And that article references an author of a book I always recommend to people in grief about the various myths of grief (if you don't feel like buying it, you can Google the PDF version for free): https://www.amazon.com/Other-Side-Sadness-Science-Bereavement/dp/0465021905

Never feel bad for smiling and enjoying things. Be grateful any time you can be happy, even for a short time. It's a gift. Don't listen to anyone who tells you anything else.

I'm so very sorry OP, I lost my own boyfriend a little over 2 years ago in a motorcyce accident and that time feels like both a blink and a thousand lifetimes. 3 weeks is so very soon after having your life shattered, and since you had to watch him dwindle it was probably even more stress and pain to your body and soul than my own.

Be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself and others when you have the strength. Forgive yourself when you feel guilty, when you snap at others, when you don't feel like you have the strength to hide the pain. The stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are not sequential and are not one-and-done, they will come in waves and pairs or overwhelmingly one at a time. You'll cycle through them quickly at first, and then slowly (very, very slowly) they will space out and diminish. I think it's so rapid and random at the beginning because a person can only handle so much agony at once, your body simply can't sustain suffering that long. Be patient with your body, don't run from the grief if you can because it will find you later when your defenses are low. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

I've also struggled with feeling like my grief wasn't as valid as a legal widow. Can I even call myself that? I refuse to call him my "ex-boyfriend," because we didn't break up, I never stopped loving him he just stopped living. If I call him my boyfriend it sounds creepy, if I call him my partner it sounds like we had some kind of alternative lifestyle. The closest I can come to is referring to him as "the Love of my Life," it almost describes how he was my person, too, and how I'll never, EVER stop loving him. Almost.

It hurts so much more when people say "at least you weren't married," as if it should hurt less that we were "just" dating and I am somehow free to grieve faster. As if it should leave less of a void in my soul that we weren't that deep into it, as if I should be happy that I'm "still so young." Maybe my body is young, but the potential decades I will spend without him fill me with resentment instead of hope. Sometimes I can't help but laugh when people ask if I've considered dating again, they really don't realize how long it took me to not feel like I needed to shriek or vomit or flee at flirting or compliments from other men; they can't understand how violated it makes me feel that they would consider me "available." They've never felt their hopes and joys ripped from their souls, or the throbbing ache of that void. Someday maybe I'll love someone else again, maybe, but I don't think I can ever be with someone who hasn't had a similar tragedy because it's just not fair to them that they'll always be my second choice.

That's awful that his mother is shutting you out of his daughter's life, I know everyone grieves differently but it strikes me as selfish that she wouldn't want to support someone he deeply loved. She is broken in her own way now, too, there's also no word for a parent who has lost their child. Hopefully some day she will regain some compassion and treat you as he would have wanted, but there's no guarantee that people come out better from these experiences.

There were a few things that helped me in the beginning, I hope they can help you too:

• You Want a Physicist to Speak at Your Funeral
  
• A description of Grief by /u/GSnow
  
• Walking in the Garden of Souls by George Anderson - borrowed this one from a therapist and it helped me come to terms with his death, working on being okay for myself is another matter but I'm getting there...
  
  The sharp ache does seem to subside after a while, but it comes and goes especially near holidays and various anniversaries. I've heard grief described as "love without a home," and I think that definitely matches this feeling of homesickness. Please PM me if you want, us young widows are few and far between but we should stick together. I know better than to say "I hope you feel better," but I do believe you're strong enough to survive this, whether you want to or not.

There are some useful books for her. It can help adults to talk about things that seem impossible to talk about. Hugs to you.

https://www.amazon.com/Miss-You-First-Look-Death/dp/0764117645/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0764117645&pd_rd_r=HHR9WCC8B0S8H5Y7PTMH&pd_rd_w=OiTH4&pd_rd_wg=GELpR&psc=1&refRID=HHR9WCC8B0S8H5Y7PTMH


https://www.amazon.com/What-Earth-When-Someone-Dies/dp/1575420554/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501030726&sr=1-2&keywords=when+someone+dies&refinements=p_n_feature_five_browse-bin%3A2578999011


https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-String-Patrice-Karst/dp/0875167349/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0875167349&pd_rd_r=CSJES55FE4S2J06J0MXH&pd_rd_w=zUhYL&pd_rd_wg=omjIM&psc=1&refRID=CSJES55FE4S2J06J0MXH

>My goodness, so sorry for your unimaginable loss.
>
>I'd say "please don't feel guilty" but I know firsthand we have so little control over those feelings, so instead I'll just say that no matter how you may feel, there is NOTHING wrong with your "mental vacations". Not only is it normal, it is also a healthy, naturally built in coping mechanism.
>
>Grief has been studied a lot, and that they've found is that the natural grief process most of us go through is like an "oscillation' between sadness and something resembling "normalcy". Back and forth, back and forth between the two. This is because our bodies know we can't handle feeling sadness all the time.
>
>I recommended to someone else in this thread, and I'll recommend to you, this book: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Side-Sadness-Science-Bereavement/dp/0465021905
>
>It is about some of the myths of grieving that society has perpetuated, like the idea that grief is all sadness, all the time, or that most people are unable to cope with such devastating losses. In truth, you're likely much more resilient than you think. And is horrible, and devastating as your loss is, you CAN come out of this and still find happiness on the other side. As hard or impossible as it may seem now.
>
>So yes, absolutely, allow yourself any respite you can get. Never apologize for it or feel like you're abnormal or "not grieving enough" because of it. Just keep listening to yourself; do what feels right.
>
>My thoughts are with you and please message me any time if you feel like it :)

Thank you so much for your quick response.. yes, I'm home alone tonight with my thoughts and it IS tough, but, truthfully, after 42 years I know my wife and the relationship she had with our son well enough to know that, second only to having to tell her about his death when she came out of the chemical haze she'd been under since being transported to the hospital via air ambulance, I am absolutely DREADING bringing her home to a house that is a memory mine field with THOUSANDS of things that will remind her (as it has ME). We are ALL different of course and I am better able to compartmentalize my life and grief so that when I go through one of those doors into a dark place, I can come out an function, more or less normally again. She's less capable of that (unless she surprises me) and I'm VERY worried about her long term. I'm looking into options to give her some on-going support for this and honestly feel that outsiders who've been thrust into the 'club' we'd all rather not belong to, are better equipped to help her than I am.

As far as I can tell, this is going to be an endless ride on a very bumpy road.

You're right - you don't need to put pressure on yourself like that. It's OK that you're not OK.

(Incidentally, there's a grief book with that very name. I don't know if it focuses on losing a partner or is good for a wide range of losses, but it is one of the book many people find helpful. If you feel like you need to read around, this might be one to look at.)

Living When A Loved One has Died. It's a great book. Here's the amazon link.

https://www.amazon.com/Living-When-Loved-One-Died/dp/0807027197/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481127424&sr=8-1&keywords=living+when+a+loved+one+has+died

This reminds me of this book, Visions, Trips, and Crowded Rooms -- definitely recommend it!

I've heard the book "I Didn't Know What to Say" by David Knapp is a godsend. I've been meaning to read it myself. Like you said, I've been through loss/grief myself but that doesn't automatically mean I understand everyone's experience, by a long shot.

May I recommend this book...

http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Disguised-Soul-Grows-through/dp/0310258952

My sister sent this book to my mother and I after we lost our father. While it made me cry, i also found it quite comforting. https://www.amazon.com/Tear-Soup-Recipe-Healing-After/dp/0961519762/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=tear+soup&qid=1565737952&s=gateway&sr=8-2

I couldn't imagine the grief you going through. One of the beat tips I can give is write down your thaughts. I hate to write but I find it the most helpful for something I had to go through. I was reluctant to write down my thoughts but I felt so much calmer after I did it. Here is a book and a video that was helpful for me. Also group self help groups also helped me.

The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001NLKYIS/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_15O8BbE823T3P

https://youtu.be/mEK2pIiZ2I0


J

I know it gets old, but I just want to start with that I'm so, so sorry. I cannot even begin to fathom how painful this is for you.


Your anger is normal, justified. But I don't know if it'll every 'truly' go away, just like grief itself. It just gets easier to carry, and sort of 'mold' into a compartment that is easier to deal with over time. It'll always be there, but over time you just learn to grasp it differently.


I've never had [human] kids to lose, but I lost my dad, uncle, and a dear friend all last year, all spread apart. I also still randomly, for no reason, quake with rage. Or sob uncontrollably. Or feel like a void with absolutely nothing.


It'll get easier with time, as far away as that sounds. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.


If you're a reader at all, I can't suggest this enough: It's Okay that You're Not Okay - I really can't put into words how much it helped be able to have words and definitions or what I felt and was going through.

I lost my mom at a young age (12). I suggest this book the author lost her mom as well, and wrote it because she felt there were no resources. Reading the book didn't solve any problems for me, but I felt less alone.

Grief is cyclical. Major life events--my first boyfriend, graduating high school, & graduating college have all been bitter sweet. Often, more bitter. There have been really dark times since my mom passed, but also amazing times I couldn't have imagined. Right now I'm dealing with one of those valleys, but I know in life everything is transient, nothing sticks. Something has to give. Through the hard times, eventually something good will happen.

I suppressed my grief for a long time, and it made things worse. I now have rituals I do that have helped. On my mom's birthday I place flowers on her grave. Whenever I'm missing her I'll watch movies we use to watch together. I've written letters to her, and sometimes I even have imaginary conversations. I still have a relationship with her, even though she has passed. I really believe that when someone you love dies, the relationship doesn't end with their life.