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No therapy is probably going to make this harder. Have you looked into anti anxiety medication with your GP? Even if it's to get the edge off while you try to work things out?

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Anyways, fellow depression/anxiety/lashes out when stressed sufferer here. There's a couple of things that have helped for me:

- Build alternative communication skills. One of my biggest problems was that I didn't know how to properly voice my issues with my SO or anybody else for that matter. My first method of action was being passive aggressive or snide. When I realized what I was doing, I jumped to the other extreme and bottled it all up. Can't ruin things if you're not saying anything, amiright?! But then that would just explode later and cause more problems. A book that helped me very much is Crucial Conversations. It speaks about the thinking fallacies people tend to have (choosing between being honest and being nice), common communication mistakes and a step by step plan on how you can bring hard topics to the table. I use these basics in normal conversations too, when the "stakes" aren't as high. Having an alternative method for me to switch to, instead of my old ones, really helped.

- Change your internal narrative. Another thing that has been absolutely exhausting to deal with is the constant internal monologue about not being good enough, nice enough, kind enough. I should, I need to, if I was a great person I would... If you constantly beat yourself down, you stay down and words have meaning and a certain weight on their own. If I keep telling myself that I suck and I was an idiot for doing xyz, that feeling will stay. I would strongly advice reading A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis. It's a bit of an old book, but I felt like they guy described perfectly what goes on inside my head. By telling yourself that you did something "less than ideal" instead of "incredibly stupid" you kind of take the edge off the situation. I know it sounds stupid, but I've been trying to get into the habit of this and found that after a while I went from having a meltdown of "OMG HOW COULD I BE SUCH AN IDIOT, I WILL NEVER LEARN?!" to facepalming, sighing at myself and be very firm in doing better next time. The energy I save with that, that I would otherwise have wasted, is very useful for other things.

- Change your external narrative. Words have a meaning and interpretations. Sometimes we're raised with ways of phrasing things and don't even realize what exactly it is we're saying. I found that I had a tendency of trying to subconsciously manipulate those around me through language. Basically shoving my feelings onto someone else, so they would make me feel better. Obviously things like bullying are big, clear markers, but there's a lot more subtle ways that people do it and don't even realize. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Elgin discusses how one would use language against others without being overly aggressive. It made me realize how people were actually manipulating me, but also how I was manipulating them. Have you ever used something like "Well, if you really loved me you would..." or "Even someone like you would understand...". Big communication nono's, but because they're not as aggressive like "You're a bitch" or "Get fucked", people tend to not notice them. By recognizing these patterns being used on you and you using themselves, you can stop using them but also learn tools on how to deal when someone uses them on you.

- Self reflect, self reflect, self reflect. Through my education I was forced to constantly look at my strong and weak points. I had to write assessments twice a year on what I did right and wrong, with proof. And believe me, if you either had an assessment that was all negative or all positive the teachers would have a talk with you about how well you were reflecting. Then after college I landed in a job where every year I had to do the exact darn thing. What had I learned this year? What did I improve since last year? What are my goals for next year? How do I plan to achieve those goals and why did I have those goals? What are reasonable, doable steps to not only achieve the goals, but to also improve some weaknesses? Again, and again, and again. It's hard to say you suck and can't do anything write and you don't have any good qualities when you're forced to look at yourself and point out what your good qualities are. You start usually with small or general things like "well... I'm always on time to work" or "well... I don't maim animals." While I learned this through circumstances, a friend recommended Acceptance: Time to Self-Reflect for Personal Growth by Dr. Olivia Miller as a good starting point. Where are you at now and where do you want to be next year around this time? How are you planning on getting there? What are small, reasonable steps to get there?

- Get to know yourself. Last tip I can give you is that YOU focus on YOU first. Do you have a clear self image of who you are? What do you want in life? What are your likes and dislikes? What would your ideal self and world be 2, 5, 10 years from now? Would you want to be a successful writer? Would you rather have traveled the globe? Or be a doctor, communication expert at a company, mother of 2 kids, have 2 dogs and a cat? People who don't have a clear outline of who they are, tend to be less secure and more often to lash out to others. Having a relationship with someone, while you don't like or know yourself tends to be a disaster. Because people will tend to try and get an identity or validation through the other person to feel good. Then when that other person does something away from the partner (like go on an outing with friends, talk to another person of the opposite gender or just not pick up the phone) the partner become insecure and might lash out because of it. This combines with the self reflecting, who ARE you? What do YOU want? Things like self confidence and high self esteem are nice and dandy, but they can't exist if you don't have a good idea of who you are. Start with looking at yourself first, before looking at your SO. Start small: what food do you like and dislike? What's your favorite color? Favorite way of eating an egg? Then build up the scale: Do you want a pet? Cat or a dog or something completely different? How many? Go higher again: Do you want kids? If so, why and how many? Would you like to be married? Why or why not? And higher again: What do you look for in a spouse? What would your ideal career look like? Until you've got a clear picture of who you are.

Obviously there's a lot of other stuff you can do, but I'd start with those five and go from there.

Also, I BEG you to read the book Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft. The Amazon reviews alone may give you pause:

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>[The book] helped me understand why I was able to tolerate a final year of angry explosions, open raging, infidelity and systematic social humiliation. It helped me understand and cope with my failure to get support from friends and family. It encouraged me to try with family and friends in a different way. When I finally had an emotional break, I took myself to a local office of HAWC, completely beside myself. Me? Asking for help and support from woman's help center? I make donations to that charity.

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>They lent me Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? That led me to this book. Because of the resonating humanity and clear understanding of what I have gone through, I am finally able to face the truth. It's not possible to "behave" in a way that would make my husband be nicer, more fair, more caring or more civil to me. Conventional strategies failed because he does not want our marriage to be different. He chooses to abuse me. I have to love myself the way I love him. I have to be a support to myself. I have to surround myself by people who agree I am worthy of love, care and compassion. I am using this book first to rebuild my outer and inner strength to have clear, strong boundaries with him to manage him out of my life. Step by step i will use the resources to disengage from this man who seems to possess an unending need to hook me for reasons that I may never fully understand and will eventually stop caring about completely.

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I am not a shill for Bancroft, I should add. I just know how powerful his work is, and how it's changed the lives of a lot of people who spent years trying to make their relationships with their SOs work and blamed themselves for the failures.

You got this. Start sneaking the things that matter to you into the truck you want to take so long as your wife won't notice (i.e. put the tarot deck you like in the glove box). It's not much but it will feel like something.

One trick I've heard from people who voluntarily lived in their cars was that they joined a cheap 24 hour gym so they could shower. When you're ready to leave, check Good Will for secondhand camp gear if you need it. If you want to splurge, this is the one I used at a music festival. It was great.

If you feel like putting down roots on the east coast and need a safe place to park, give me a buzz.

There's a great book, [Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002JPGQ34/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_oloaCb7Y8ZBPK).

It looks at different types of issues in a marriage and whether or not they can typically be fixed if one puts in the effort, and whether people with that relationship issue were generally happy with their decision if they chose to leave or stay.

It's a different approach to the question, which I found very helpful.

You can get sliding glass door inserts! I hope this helps! Although it sounds like he would find some reason that some solution like this won’t work.
https://smile.amazon.com/PetSafe-Freedom-Aluminum-Sliding-Adjustable/dp/B005CO91TK

So if you would like an additional neutralizer which I've found works for a surprising array of things: Charlie's Soap. I'm a farmer, which means that sometimes the damnest things have to go through my washing machine.

What I do is I dump a large amount (about a cup) of Charlie's Soap into the machine with a 'junk' shirt or the like (basically something I don't care about, it's just there for the purpose of running a clean cycle equivalent - may I suggest you use his favorite pair of jeans? ;P) and run it on the hottest, longest, roughest cycle available. I do this two or three times and it really works very well.

As for his damn shop rags, I wouldn't even burn them, I would get rid of them completely. And I would clip an ad for a local laundromat for him; he can do his washing there from now on, on his own.

When my son was in kindergarten we walked to school. 1/2 mile each way. And in really cold weather where the boy didn’t want to walk in the cold I used our bicycle trailer. Closed all the windows and put several sleeping bags inside each other and then he was pushed to school inside a closed environment wrapped in several layers to keep him warm. It worked really well for us. I could push 2 kindergarteners in it with no problem. The big wheels make snow easier to push thru. During bike riding conditions I could hook it up to the bike and get them there even faster.

I think they are fairly common now.

Like this one.

Pacific Cycle InStep Quick N EZ Double Bicycle Trailer,Orange/Gray

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002QAZ8ZY/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_Wwl.BbD9VCJW2

https://www.amazon.com/Divorcing-Healing-Narcissist-Narcissistic-Co-parenting/dp/1082431230

Great book. My husband is a marriage therapist and recommends it all the time.

They make ones that go into sliding glass doors. We had one like this


Ideal Pet Products Fast Fit Pet Patio Door 80" Medium (Mill) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000UV4MH6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_-6DVDbGS2TR1K

Tomorrow, go down to your home improvement store and get an Angel lock. If that doesn't fit your door, look for a floor lock.

Keep your phone charged and keep it with you. Look up how long average police response times are in your neighborhood, and make plans accordingly.

Stay safe.

I used to think this to. That my lack of education or caring somehow triggered the violence in my life. If you can find a library, many offer free audio and ebooks, please check out this book. It helped my world make sense.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Ok, there are relationships that therapy can help. This? Probably not one of them.

Contempt is the killer of marriages. The top predictor of divorce. And he treats you with contempt. This is not likely to ever, EVER get better.

You pay less in bills? Get a little studio so you can get out. Save your money. If you must, see if you can salvage the relationship when you live apart- but get out.

I suggest you read this book- https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

And possibly this video I made about micro agressions- shit, can't find the link. Here's another one that might be helpful https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hg9BzxsInOg

I would also suggest standing up for yourself, Most of the time guys like this act like that because they can get away with it and the more you let them get away with, the more they will escalate.

500"for Rectal Use Only" Stickers Waterproof - 1.5" x 3/8" Fluorescent Orang Stickers with Permanent Adhesive (Orange) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QP7DKY1/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_v5uMDbWY9WA1J

Paste these stickers on everything he owns.

Abusers are not angry and violent all the time - if they were, no one would ever get close enough to be trapped in a relationship with them.

If you are looking for more insight on his behavior, many people on the JustNo forums highly recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656