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My girlfriend (of eight months) is at Basic right now. Then she has advanced training. Then she has airborne training. Meanwhile I'm graduating from college and moving across the country. We're dedicated to each other though. We see life as an adventure and while it may be difficult for a time we'll get through it together as partners.

Your college classes will keep you busy. Finding a Summer job (or taking classes) will keep you busy. Spending time with friends will keep you busy. Just make sure you talk with him about how much time he expects from you. It's not healthy to wait around all day for each other. It's also not healthy to feel ignored. Communication is vital in all relationships but especially so in long distance ones because many of the nonverbal cues are missing.

One of the biggest hurdles will be the time zone difference. While he's in Korea he'll be between 13 and 16 hours ahead of you (assuming you aren't in Alaska or Hawaii). You can still do things to feel close to one another. Reading the same books or watching the same TV shows are things you can work through and talk about without necessarily doing them at the same time of day. If you want to talk on the phone or Skype or whatever it'll be early morning for one of you and late at night for the other.

I'll also recommend a book: The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. It was highly recommended to me despite being unmarried, nonreligious, and relatively new to the military SO life. The gist of it is that people feel love most strongly in one of five ways. By learning the specific way that your SO feels love you can really improve/strengthen a relationship (because what makes YOU feel loved doesn't necessarily make HIM feel loved). The military edition has a lot of testimony from military couples and gives tips for dealing with deployments and whatnot.

/r/usmilitarySO has been really helpful and supportive and informative (just all around great really) so feel free to introduce yourself over there as well :)

Hey there! Boyfriend and I have an 8-hour time difference so I totally sympathize.

There's a game we like to play that I've mentioned on here in the past. It's not the same thing necessarily as spending time together, but you have to get creative in LDRs and having lively discussion is how I feel close to my boyfriend.

We take it in turns to ask each other three questions each day. The first question is something you could ask anyone. The second question is more personal. The third question is highly personal; for us it usually relates to sex (gotta keep that spark, lol).

So for example, when it's his turn to ask, he'll send me his questions and I'll answer them, and then he'll answer them, too. The next day, I'll come up with questions that he'll answer, and then I'll answer them. It's fun coming up with questions, it's fun to answer them, and it's fun and sometimes surprising to hear each other's answers.

Some example questions:

1: What's the first thing you'd buy if you won a ton of money?

2: What's the most pseudoscientific thing you genuinely believe is real?

3: What's something that many people see as sexy, that you're turned off by?

If you or anyone else decides to try it out, I hope you have fun with it! If you have trouble thinking of questions you could probably try doing a search for conversation starters or ice-breaking questions. There are also a lot of great question books out there; my favorite is The Complete Book of Questions because it offers a range of depth.

I'm born and raised Los Angeles/Orange County, so it's a little weird at times. I hope you don't mind I kinda skimmed your comments really quick, but I see you're from Oakland. I feel that it would probably be a way bigger adjustment for you than me as far as the pace of life is concerned, southern CA is pretty relaxed in a lot of areas. And I've visited San Francisco/Oakland quite a few times as I have a lot of friends up there, and can see how you're feeling underwhelmed with it.

I remember a few days ago my SO and I went out and, like, went to Toys R Us, the comic book store, and a few other places and I said, "What now?" because I was having a nice day out with him, and he was like, "There's nothing else, really."

The lack of options of things to do is obviously a little foreign to me, so I noticed we're getting into some different hobbies together to enjoy our time at home like building Legos and watching TV series together and filling out this book and this book I brought. I probably spend more time inside here than I did while I was back in Orange County. I'm doing okay right now and I honestly think it can go either way over time - either I start working and get out more and feel more functioning and I'll make friends (maybe), or I actually will just end up being bored, I don't know yet. It's hard to tell!

Make sure you've decorated the house in some special way - either a sign, or a paper decoration spelling her name, or lovely flowers. There are lots of little crafts.

Plan out your first few meals so you don't have to worry about shopping or planning the first few together (she'll probably be tired from traveling).

Have a few small things planned to do the first days, little things that might help you connect, like a picnic in a park, a few movies to watch, or something you can even make together (like a craft, those are great ice-breakers).

You might even want to buy one of those books that have conversation starters like the If... series or even a game.

All the best to you!

If both of you are post-abusive relationship, I suggest you check out /r/CTPSD and possibly also the book Allies in Healing .. the book is aimed at partners of survivors of childhood sex abuse, but it addresses a lot of the same issues.

The basic theory is that, when somebody feels secure in a relationship, that is when they process the past trauma and can really grow and change. It sounds like you've been doing that.

Similarly, while he's still living with his emotionally abusive parents, he is being re-traumatized frequently .. he does not have the safe space, despite your relationship, to process past trauma and really grow and change. The trauma isn't past!! So, of course, he has not done.

Regarding the emotional blackmail:

Stop believing it.

You are not responsible for his happiness and well-being. He must be responsible for his happiness and well-being.

(Tell him this ^^ as a direct quote.)

You can support him in that, but in doing so you must set and enforce healthy boundaries. It sounds like you're beginning to do that, and that's upsetting him.

Well, of course it is! Because, in an abusive home, he has not had experience with healthy boundaries, and he is unable to set and enforce them himself.

Just keep modeling healthy behavior, healthy boundaries .. and know that:

It is okay to break up with him

You are not married .. and even if you were, it would still be okay to divorce him.

The only relationship you must stay in is that of parent to a child. And he's not your child.

Now .. in the absence of that emotional blackmail, here is the real question:

1. Does he have an exit plan to get away from the emotional abuse?
   
   
2. Are you willing and able to wait until he is sufficiently removed from the abusive situation to begin his process of healing?
   
   
3. Can you continue to set healthy boundaries without allowing yourself to be his emotional punching bag?
   
   
4. Do you want that level of difficulty and commitment in your relationship right now, or are you ready to explore being single?
   
   

I have the Logitech C920, which is a really excellent 1080p webcam with great low-light performance. It used to cost an arm and leg, but I see it's now below 70 USD on Amazon.

Mic quality is very good as well. It has stereo mics, one on each side (used for natural audio and noise cancellation). It's also Skype certified and is (as far as I know) one of very few that actually work with 1080p over Skype.

I can't recommend it enough, especially now that the price has dropped so much since I got it!

http://www.amazon.com/Logitech-Webcam-Widescreen-Calling-Recording/dp/B006JH8T3S/ref=sr_1_1?s=pc&ie=UTF8&qid=1451697738&sr=1-1&keywords=logitech+c920

Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:

Amazon Smile Link: Blue Yeti Pro condenser microphone


|Country|Link|Charity Links|
|:-----------|:------------|:------------|
|USA|smile.amazon.com|EFF|
|UK|www.amazon.co.uk|Macmillan|
|Spain|www.amazon.es||
|France|www.amazon.fr||
|Germany|www.amazon.de||
|Japan|www.amazon.co.jp||
|Canada|www.amazon.ca||
|Italy|www.amazon.it||




To help add charity links, please have a look at this thread.

This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting). The thread for feature requests can be found here.

25/M

He loves to cook so I was thinking about getting him themed recipe books. Since almost everyday he says he doesn't know what to make I was initially going to send him this cookbook. After searching I realized that some of the recipes require ingredients you wouldn't see on a day to day basis (and him not having the right ingredients to cook with is something complains about lol). So in the end I'll be sending him this cookbook instead since he loves bobs burgers and the recipes look reasonable :)

The way you describe it as losing your other half... You should read Plato's Symposium. Specifically the translation done by Alexander Nehamas. As that is the one I have read. There is a lot of great insight on love and its different forms.
http://www.amazon.com/Plato-Symposium/dp/0872200760

We are both using the Logitech C920s. And thank you very much! :)

So my boyfriend and I have been doing this since January 1st of this year, and it's been so fun for us. It give us something new to talk about everyday. Granted, some questions are dumb (in our opinion), but hey, we bond over that too. So here's the link to the one we're using. We're excited to do this for the next two years and some change. It did seem like a little much at first, but we're so used to it now. It doesn't take but a few minutes everyday! Here's the link to the one we've got.
https://www.amazon.com/Our-Day-3-Year-Journal-People/dp/0770436684/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501005334&sr=1-1&keywords=3-Year+Journal+for+2+People

I'm a meat lover, and I've been presented with this book. I think I'm cooking from it tomorrow - every recipe looks really tasty!

Here's just a start.

I've seen this book, and I think I'm going to try it out. I've noticed that some of our phone conversations have silence snags. Want me to tell you how it is? :)

Get your internet checked! Have your internet providers come out to see if anythings wrong with your internet. My gal has over the top wiring to her house (telephone poles) and apparently the coax line that fed her house was patched with duct-tape and eventually water seeped in and it was destroying her internet connectivity.

Also make sure you are using high quality equipment. Personally, I use the Blue Yeti Pro condenser microphone for audio and a [Microsoft LifeCam Studio 1080p] (http://www.amazon.com/Microsoft-LifeCam-Studio-Webcam-Q2F-00013/dp/B0096KSBB0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397430677&sr=8-1&keywords=microsoft+hd+webcam) for video.

Also, ensure that you have enough bandwidth on both ends. I believe the recommended amount of speed for a decent audio/video call is 1 megabit per second for both upload and download speeds.

Hope this helps!

I bought both of us a couple of this book since how estimated time apart will be about 3 years. I write in my copy and she writes in hers. We're planning to exchange books when I visit in April. It'll be interesting to see how we've changed as the relationship continues.

For those interested

https://www.amazon.com/CHOROY-Deployment-Military-Keychain-Relationship/dp/B07HDZCQGC/ref=mp_s_a_1_60?keywords=long+distance+relationships+gifts&qid=1563762260&s=gateway&sprefix=long+distance&sr=8-60

>hoping that one day he’s going to change

(from 10 Reason You Have to Stop Trying to Change Someone, copied here for accessibility)

Trying to change someone is deadly to an intimate relationship. It dawned on me recently that even though I don’t think of myself as a controlling person, my fix-it attitude about changing my partners has been problematic throughout my life. Dr. Lisa Firestone writes, “The focus needs to shift away from how to “fix” the other person and toward a broader view of how to repair the relationship.”

10 reasons why you have to stop trying to change someone:

1. Your partner is not going to change. In other words, you can’t change a cat into a dog. Love just isn’t enough to change a person’s basic nature and upbringing. If you fall in love with someone who is reserved and you are more outgoing and need outward signs of affection to feel secure, you’ll feel chronically dissatisfied. Most likely, these differences will probably eat away at loving feelings over time and erode positive feelings in your relationship.
   
2. Rather than trying to “fix’ your partner, focus on improving your own life. Many people stay in dysfunctional relationships with the unconscious desire to change their partner. According to codependency and relationship expert, Ross Rosenberg, this pattern is common and couples often stay in highly dysfunctional relationships to their own detriment. Rosenberg notes, “The inherently dysfunctional “codependency dance” requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist).”
   
3. Focusing on changing your partner can prevent you from focusing on the issues at hand. Ask yourself: what am I trying to accomplish? Avoid name-calling and don’t attack your partner personally. Remember anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration so keep things in perspective. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.).
   
4. When you change your perspective the way you look at things will change. This doesn’t mean you should tolerate any kind of abuse or disrespect. It means that your expectations impact the way you feel about your partner and his/her action. In general, you will be as happy or disappointed with your romantic relationship depending on how well your perceptions of what is happening match your expectations.
   
5. It can prevent you and your partner from communicating honestly about key issues in your relationship. Be sure to be forthcoming about your concerns and express your thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respectful way. Stop the “blame game” and examine your part in disputes or conflict.
   
6. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about your partner’s behavior when you find it to be negative. Listen to your partner’s side of the story. Are there times when you feel mistrustful or hurt even when he/she presents evidence to the contrary about your grievance?
   
7. Trying to change your partner interferes with your ability to practice forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you but it will allow you to move on. Try to remember you are on the same team. Accept that people do the best they can and try to be more understanding. This doesn’t mean that you accept your partner’s hurtful actions. You simply come to a more realistic view and give them less power over you. If your relationship is basically healthy, develop a mindset of acceptance and forgiveness about daily disappointments. After all, none of us is perfect. Don’t let it impact you greatly and you try to let go of small annoyances.
   
8. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or dispute and you will promote good will. One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. Julie and John Gottman write: “one person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.”  Apologize to your partner when appropriate. This will validate their feelings and promote forgiveness and allow you both to move on.
   
9. Trying to change your partner can lead to the end of your relationship. In Dr. Gottman’s acclaimed book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail he posits that criticizing your partner is one of the main causes of divorce. It is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on the person. Consequently, you are cutting to the core of their character when you criticize. For instance, a complaint is: “I was worried when you were late. We agreed that you’d call when you were running late.” Versus a criticism: “You never think about me, you’re so selfish!”
   
10. Focusing on changing your partner doesn’t allow you to be vulnerable. While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help you weather the storms of life, it can also rob you of true intimacy. For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel that they are needed and appreciated for the support they give. Trying to change your partner can prevent you from influencing each other and achieving true intimacy.
    
    Fortunately, even if you’re in a relationship that’s heading in a bad direction, there are strategies that can set you and your partner on the right path again. Taking responsibility for your part in negative patterns of relating to your partner is the hallmark of a successful marriage.