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> I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I am ruining his life.

> If he made me cry from screaming at me

> I used to call them when he'd start scaring me really bad

> he wouldn't let me go celebrate

> He told me I was too sensitive

> He screamed at me

> he proceeded to use it for about 8 months without my knowledge

> I wanted something we both liked but that wasn't an option

> I wasn't allowed to be on my phone unless he was

> my feelings are invalidated

> He never let me spend money on myself

> act like he was such a philanthropist for childrens charity

> Would pressure me into having kids

> based his happiness on "things"

> He lost it when I got my old bed and a few items I had pre-marriage

> He wants me to pay for two of his credit cards and pay him alimony on top of all of this

> he bought a brand new laptop that month

> He also wants to get 75% of the profit from the house

Just wanted to pull these and make sure they are starkly listed out. Your husband is incredibly abusive. I am SO excited for the life you will have without him in it! :D What has helped me to feel better/less guilty is to thoroughly research narcissism. Once I understood that my N was a complete vampire and was just using me for adoration and power trips, my guilt began to recede. There are some good links in the sidebar, and there's a list of books that people have found helpful there, too. The most popular is "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

Also, start doing things for you. Do things you like or care about. It doesn't sound like he's given you much of a chance to do them. Best of luck, and feel free to hang out in this community! It's been super helpful for me as well as many others.

I recommend reading "A General Theory of Love" https://www.amazon.com/General-Theory-Love-Thomas-Lewis/dp/0375709223

One way to try to stop dating men is to try to figure out the dynamic and learn how to ID it early, and avoid those types of situations. But that doesn't change the fact that your status quo is to crave those situations that are unhealthy, but what you are most used to.

Another approach is to learn healthier attachment, to the point that what you want has fundamentally changed, and that the unhealthy patterns just don't do it for you any more.

The book I recommended is really great for getting an overview sense of how attachment works.

Then, trying to apply it to create situations where safe attachment can take place, and the other person(s) have a healthier, calmer limbic system than you. Therapy, healing friendships, healthy social situations--whatever situations can help "bring you up" to a more connected approach to the world.

Thanks. Healing will be a looooong process, especially for us who’ve been warped by these people’s behaviors for so long.

I was the same way (up/down/extreme) for months. It slowly improves. In fact the slowness is frustrating abut I accept it as what it is. And I’m so thankful for this sub, they got me through the worst events in my life and gave me hope! May never leave, hahaha

The therapy group I’m in now with same individual one I mentioned earlier, uses Linehan’s DBT handouts workbook and I can’t recommend it enough, it’s so helpful. It’s distress tolerance skills like breathing/mindfulness/relaxation but also helps you psychologically come to love yourself, be more realistic, and take control of our own minds. It’s active (fill in like a workbook) so it gets you reflecting on your situation in practical ways (as opposed to just another book).

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_72b2CbJDVNKFV

I hear free meetings like CoDa and NAMI and maybe at local DV places can be helpful too. I even found a group on Meetup for narcissistic abuse victims! So that’s another non therapy possibility!

Best of luck. It’s hard. But so worth it. Don’t look back and worry what they think, because they don’t understand AT ALL!

She doesn’t sound like a true narcissist but somebody that has an avoidant attachment style. Also sounds like you have an anxious attachment style ( I also have this). I recommend reading the book Attached to learn more about yourself and it’ll help you for falling into relationships with women like her. The book explains how people with avoidant attachment style are hot and cold, push you away, and talk about their ex’s. Narcissists normally lack empathy and exploit people for their own gain. They see you as an object in their reality and not like a real person.

Awesome post and great comments, some really good advice all around.

Well done on getting this far friend.

This book may be useful to your right now

I wanted to recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad. Massively, massively helpful for my own situation, and I think it will be a great help for you, too. It doesn't just focus on the narcissist, it also discusses the caretaker role along with practical advice on how to cope with, manage, or leave the narcissist.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/

Mine even bought this book, and when we would argue he would pull it out and take notes in it. I told my therapist about it and she said I was the furthest thing from BPD, but that she suspected he also had it in addition to his NPD. I remember reading the characteristics of BPD and I looked at him and said "This doesn't sound like ME, it sounds like YOU! It sounds exactly like YOU!" He was so pissed off, LOL. What a clusterfuck of a person he was.

Thank you. My friends mean well but you’re right. It’s a lot to put on them. Meeting with an attorney is a scary thought... I know if I even mention divorce she’ll want to pick the attorney and control everything... and that’s even if we make it that far and she doesn’t hoover me back with some diabolical plan I can’t even comprehend. She must know something is up. I’m acting so odd. I have not said the N word to her but she must know something. In many ways she is emotionally immature so I’ll keep her in the dark for my benefit.

I’ve been working through some of the PTSD symptoms with my therapist and they’re manifesting as nightmares an anxiety/panic attacks. I’m reading a book on narcissism right now and the chapters on control and manipulation are like reliving my entire married life as a horror story. I feel like I want to throw up. I’m afraid of her. I’m seeing her for who she truly is, what her father did to her. On a side note, it’s a fantastic book.

Yah, NC is the only way to go.

And I think you are close with the analogy to addiction. This book has been of great help to me, and it discussed how the neurological effects of a breakup are similar to drug withdrawal.

https://www.amazon.com/Exaholics-Breaking-Your-Addiction-Love/dp/145491825X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1478700917&sr=8-1&keywords=exaholics

This is an awesome book you should read. I personally think everyone should read it, because it covers every day life skills relating to personal safety.

My therapist recommended this Boundaries book (can get it on amazon pretty cheap) and it has been a really good read. They have expansions such as Boundaries in marriage, family and kids. I needed this after I was discarded and still would let my nex and his flying monkeys push my boundaries. boundaries book

Someone recommended a book on the Narcissistic Abuse and Divorce thread this week. It’s called MAGIC Words: How To Get What You Want From a Narcissist. The author is a survivor of narcissistic abuse, who has to coparent with her nex, and she drew on her background as an advertising and marketing exec to basically figure out how to spin what she (and their kids) needed from the nex as being in nex’s interests.

It’s exactly like what you described with the toothpaste. I stumbled upon a similar technique with my nex ... and yeah, it feels really gross, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s the only way. I plan to use the book when I go fully NC with my nex once our divorce is finalized. It might help you figure out a way to leave that makes him think it’s his idea.

Definitely consult with a domestic violence agency as you formulate an exit plan. Best of luck, and keep us posted if it’s safe to do so!

It is a gift now that you are away from him. He may have taken physical things from you, but he can never take away your strength, courage, tenacity, or your many virtues.

Don’t allow him to make you feel any lesser than you were when he met you. It’s all an illusion. There’s this quote:

you were a dragon long before
he came around and said
you could fly

you will remain a dragon
long after he's left

You can do this. You are a strong capable human being. Don’t give up and don’t feel discouraged. You can literally achieve anything you set your mind to

Stay no contact. These losers aren’t worth even a moment of your time/energy.

Work on healing your depression (regular excercise, omega 3s, eBaying activity to avoid rumination, sunlight exposure, social support, and sleep)
This is advice from the following book:
https://www.amazon.com/Depression-Cure-6-Step-Program-without/dp/0738213888/ref=nodl_

Yoga really helped me heal from narc abuse

Here it is.
Yes, it's called 'learned helplessness ' and it's pretty common with abuse. But when you really think about it, you've been doing it all along, with probably little to no help from him. You're more than capable, especially once you get out from behind him holding you back. Stay prepared and you will make it. After all the threats from my ex about taking the kids away, not paying support, etc, I receive 49% of his paycheck for the next 5 years until I establish my own career that I had to put on hold while he advanced his career. You're going to be okay. Have you read the book "Why Does He Do That?"? That one I actually have as a pdf and can email it to you if you pm me your email address. Those two books changed my life!

After my last relationship with ANOTHER toxic person I started seeking out answers as to why I attract toxic people. I came across this book “The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap” by Ross Rosenberg and it was really eye opening. I won’t get into details here but check it out.

As soon as you said "walking on eggshells" made me think of the book about borderline.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572246901?pc_redir=1407856972&robot_redir=1

I was just going to post that book.

Here’s the link if anyone is interested:

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_QRMyCbJSSTKBR

I did a 1 year university course, and all the essay writing & going to class just caused the depression to lift quite a bit. It could be neuroplasticity,

Exercise, mindfulness training, positive psychology, behavioural therapy works. This book helped. You need to recognise the behaviour patterns.

Honestly any personality disorder is a road to disaster. They are very hard to treat.

I wish I had read this book earlier. Despite having a restraining order my STBX has been launching social media attacks against me. Brace yourself because it's likely going to get worse before it gets better. There are a lot of triggers in a divorce that set off someone with NPD. Most recently a judge had to compel her to sign her paperwork which set off an online rant against me.

I wouldn’t think about whether he will or he won’t come back - this will eat you up and disturb your healing process.

The reason he’s done those things is because he’s not normal - it’s all a game (sadly).

I’m only speaking from my own experience, so I could possibly be wrong (but I don’t think I am - not to sound arrogant lol).

I read this amazing book, check it out, it really helped me:

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/168261333X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_uTc0CbV111MH2

Try this

Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to Their Level https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071410228/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_84RszbFD86HAT

I've read this book a few times and it's helped - POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse https://www.amazon.com/dp/1945796324/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mANBDbV7P50GS

I'm also going to try EMDR myself bc I find that I still carry a lot of trauma in my body and mind, even after 2 years.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245131/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_nUmkDbSDHCFXF

Let me know if that works. I was scared at first because DBT has a connection to cluster B people and I was trying to get away from one! Ack!

But I ultimately learned how to distract myself and calm myself down I was goi g stir crazy obsessing over that horrible man.