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6 is a pretty common age for having questions about these things! Don't worry.

My stepson started asking me questions when he was late 6 and early 7. He went with a more direct route - he just asked how babies get in the mommy's tummy - and I was very casual and upfront about it. My parents were very open with me and they basically answered any question we had, from "how does the sperm get to the egg" when we were little to "what's a blowjob" and "what's an orgasm" when we were in middle school. So I just did the same - I answered his questions without being silly or embarrassed and let the conversation grow from there. (Some of this I am c/p-ing from a previous thread because it's long, sorry!)

I never had "the talk" as a kid and have not gone that way as a parent. My basic philosophy - which was also my parents' - is that if you ask a question, you get an answer. That answer is accurate and true, but not necessarily completely comprehensive. When my stepson asked, "What makes a baby?" I talked about sperm, and eggs, and how the daddy has the sperm and the mommy has the egg, and when the two meet, it is the beginning of a baby. He then asked how the two meet, so I talked about penises and vaginas, said the man and woman get so close to each other that the penis goes into the vagina, and the sperm come from the penis and travels to the egg, etc. After that he surprised me by going a completely different route and asking about the word "sexy" and if what people mean when they say "sexy" is that they want to have a baby, and I said it can be really confusing, because lots of times people don't use the right word for what they really mean. Like, in songs, people sometimes say "sexy" when they mean "pretty" or "smart," or if someone says a car looks really sexy, they obviously don't want to have a baby with a car - they mean it looks really cool. We thought of some times that people have used the word sexy and brainstormed words we thought they might have been able to use instead, to be more clear. etc.

Some weeks later he heard someone talking about an accidental pregnancy in a TV plot and he asked how you could accidentally get pregnant. I said that people don't only have sex to make a baby - sex also feels good and that it is something that grown-ups do when they love each other very much, sort of like a very intense and intimate way of hugging someone. And so sometimes people have sex even if they don't mean to have a baby, but sex can always lead to a baby, and that's why it's important to not have sex until you are really a grown-up and you have met someone you love very much.

That sort of thing. I find that answering the question but not necessarily going in with complete and total disclosure from the get-go opens the door for a more conversational tone - an ask-and-answer format rather than a one-directional monologue - and also lets the kid decide how far the talk goes. Basically I leave room for silence and reflection in the conversation, instead of just filing the awkward space with more words. I think that few kids who ask where babies come from are necessarily interested in hearing about orgasms, accidents, birth control, STIs, whatever. Like, after I explained sex, I honestly never would have even thought to talk about the word "sexy" and its various uses in pop culture, but OF COURSE that was something my stepson already had a budding familiarity with, and so of course he was fitting this new information - what sex actually means - into that context. If I had just done a Wikipedia monologue he might never have gotten a chance in the rhythm of the conversation to ask about the word "sexy," and we never would have had that super awesome talk. For that reason I can't imagine just having "a talk" - I think that kids start being ready to hear some of this stuff so young, and then are ready to hear other parts so much later, that I can't imagine talking about it all at once - it would be way to early or way too late either way, and just miss the point entirely one way or the other. Usually in my experience if they are ready for more information, they will innately hear that my explanation only answers their question by making them think of more questions, and they will prompt me to keep going by asking the next question. If they do not "hear" the next question in themselves - the next how or why - then I usually figure that they are just not at that point yet. Sometimes I prompt it a little bit if I sense that they may be shy but if they don't bite I usually let it be.

This all, of course, relies heavily on the fact that your kid will ask you and not just google. To initiate the conversation yourself and prompt questions, books can be great. I am a huge fan of It's Not The Stork, which explains everything accurately - from bodies, to girls/boys, to puberty, to boys/men and girls/women, to sex, to fertilization, to gestation, to birth. There is also a section on adoption and non-traditional families, and a section on good/bad touches. It is not silly but it is also not clinical or embarrassing; it is illustrated but not dumb or condescending. It's actually the first of a three-part collection - the next two books are aimed at older children and have more detailed information - but this one is written for kids as young as 4 and IMO is totally appropriate for kids that young so it's a good one to start with.

We also have A Child Is Born, which has some truly amazing pictures of embryos and unborn babies at various stages of gestation. My step-son's interest in sex came heavily from a baby-interested place - sex, bodies, etc were just the explanation, for him - so this book is a total favorite; if your son is coming more from a body-curiosity place it may not be as relevant to him, but I know that the book gets a lot of flipping-through in our home so it's worth considering. It also has some pictures of the women that the babies are growing in, which can help contextualize the "boobies" that your son may be curious about.

When it comes to "tough questions," whatever they are, I try to always control my reaction and make it a casual conversation. No stammering, pet names, giggling, etc. We joke sometimes but only if it's a joke we would normally make - I mean, like, no laughing as you're explaining it, but also don't just turn into a robot. It's surprisingly easy and liberating to talk to a kid frankly about sex and bodies, I think, because a lot of times once they sense that you are not embarrassed to answer, they are not embarrassed to ask, and that can be a really sweet thing to see.

I don't usually follow \r\parenting but my husband saw your post and suggested I respond. I can hear myself in you sometimes.

I can relate to where you're coming from. I have a daughter with Sensory Processing Disfunction. She. doesn't. stop. moving. EVER. and no. It's not normal 2 year old behavior. (I am so tired of hearing that.) She is so busy busy busy she was having trouble learning speech. She tested as a 15-18 mo when she was 24 mo. It also doesn't help that I'm an enabler. I gave her whatever she needed before she would have to ask. I also have some ongoing health issues that make me fatigued from time to time which makes parenting an active child a challenge.

There's a ton of good advice in the comments so far. I agree with you needing to work on you first. It's super important for you to get the help you need to be mentally capable to raise your son. Kids are hard. Even harder if you're struggling with health issues.

My advice is going to focus on your son since you've gotten so much advice for you. First I need to say, good for you for getting him involved in EI! That's a huge step. Now you need to make sure you're using them to their full potential. I'm going to base most of my assumptions that you're in the US. If not, some of the advice won't fit.

I sincerely hope that your son is getting Speech Therapy and Occupational Therapy, maybe even Developmental Therapy for the social issues. It sounds like he definitely needs it. Because my daughter was so delayed in speech, they were able to give her Speech, OT and Developmental Therapy. I'm in the state of IL. I'm not sure if your state works the same way. They have helped her so much even in 6 short months.

We too are already talking about pre-school. That in and of itself is super scary. It's hard to acknowledge your baby is growing up! She's getting evaluated by the school district in June. Has your EI coordinator talked to you about when your testing will be? The school district will do their own set of tests and create a IEP (Individualized Education Plan) for him.

(One thing I just thought of... Make lists of questions so when you're talking to people like the OT or Speech or EI or docs, you've got something to refer to and don't have to try to remember. When you're not feeling yourself, it's especially hard to be on the ball.)

Routines

Routines have been a huge help for my daughter and I. I am naturally a person that needs to know what's coming next. I hate surprises (although I'm getting better about it as I get older). The biggest thing is nap time. For us, nap time actually starts about 30-45 min before I want to put her down. I try to do it at the same time every day. Because she is so physically active, I have to make sure we do some "heavy work" at least 45 min before I want to put her to sleep. For her it is typically jumping on her trampoline. She also has a small wagon I brought inside that I fill with bean bags for her to pull around. After the heavy work, she gets a 30 min TV show. Then diaper change and a book. We were having some trouble with her laying down after we switched to a toddler bed. We bought a clock that lights up. It took about 2 weeks of being super consistent (and listening to her screaming) but she now doesn't need it at nap time any more. We still have it set in the morning. Momma needs her sleep!

Heavy Work

Heavy work is super important for kids with sensory issues. I would think it would help any child that is overly active. They love that feeling of being pulled to the earth. My LO loves being smushed and squeezed. When I give her a hug, I make sure its extra squeezy. :)

We have one of those houses with 2 dining rooms (why are there 2? I have no idea). One of them has been turned into an indoor playground for my daughter. The winter was so brutal that I needed ways for LO to get out her energy. She's got a trampoline, balls, sit-in-spin, and rocking horse. If you have the space, maybe you could include some of these for your son.

Speech

For my LO, we started signing with her once we realized there was a problem after her initial testing. It was a couple of months before she started Speech Therapy through EI and we were trying to be pro-active. We found the TV show "Signing Time". I don't know what it is about this show, but for my daughter it seemed like it opened the floodgates. She was suddenly saying new words while she was doing the signs. It was a miracle for us. They have a few clips up on YouTube. We bought the DVD sets from their website but you can see if your local library has them or something like them.

Consistency

For us, consistency is key. There are always tantrums when I try to implement anything new and sometimes they happen over things that we've been doing for ages. This is the part that goes with being 2. But at the same time, I feel like it's typically a little extreme. Mostly because she knows she should be able to tell me what she wants but can't. It's hard but you have to try to be strong. One thing to think about is if you want things to continue as they are. A week of tantrums to get him to sit at the table to eat like a normal child is worth it to me.

Good luck. Feel free to PM if you need any more advice. Just know that there are people here willing to help and support you.

Not all of these are "parenting" books, but they get at various aspects of what you might be looking for/need to help you prepare (in no particular order):

• Bringing up Bebe - Tells the parenting story of an American expat. living in Paris, and how she observed different parenting techniques between American and French families, and how that plays out in children's behavior. It is a fun "experience" story and I think it lends some interesting insights.
  
  
• Pregnancy, childbirth, and the newborn - I think this is the most informative, neutral, pregnancy book out there. It really tries to present all sides of any issues. I can't recommend this book enough. From here, you could explore the options that best fit your needs (e.g. natural birth, etc.)
  
  
• Taking Charge of Your Fertility - Look into this if you find you are having trouble conceiving, or if you want to conceive right away. Really great tips on monitoring the body to pinpoint the most fertile times and stay healthy before becoming pregnant.
  
  
• The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding - This is published by Le Leche League and really has everything you need to know about breastfeeding, pumping, etc. After baby is born, kellymom.com is a good resource for quickly referring to for breastfeeding questions later, but seriously don't skip this book - it is great!
  
  
• Dr. Spock's Baby and Childcare - Really comprehensive and probably the most widely read book about every aspect of child health and development (and also a lot of what to expect as parents.)
  
  
• NurtureShock - by far the most interesting book I've ever read in my life. Basically sums up research on child development to illuminate how many parents and educators ignore research based evidence on what works well for raising children. If you read nothing else in this book, at least read the sleep chapter!
  
  
• What's Going on in There? - This book was written by a neuroscientist after becoming a mom about brain development from pregnancy through about age 5. It has some of the same research as NurtureShock but goes way more in depth. I found it fascinating, but warning, I could see how it could scare some people with how much detail it goes into (like how many people feel that "What to Expect When Expecting" is scary.)
  
  
• Happiest Baby on the Block - There is a book, but really you can/should just watch the DVD. It has 5 very specific techniques for calming a fussy baby. Here are some recent reddit comments about it. Someday I will buy Dr. Karp a drink - love that man!
  
  
• The Wholesome Baby Food Guide - this book is based on a website which has some of the same information, but the book goes way more in depth about how to introduce food, with particular steps, to set baby up for a lifetime of good (non picky) eating habits.
  
  
• A variety of sleep books, so you can decide which method you might be comfortable with (I believe the Baby Whisperer and Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child are pretty middle of the road, but you can look into bedsharing (The Dr. Sear's books) or the other end (Babywise) as discussed in other comments already here, etc. - these last two links I am letting my personal bias show - sorry, but I just think it is good to know all sides of an issue.)
  
  
• Huffington Post Parents section often has "experience" articles, and browsing subs like this can help with that too.
  
  
• A lot of people love the Bill Cosby Fatherhood book too, but my husband and I haven't read it, so I can't say for sure what is in it, but I imagine it is "experiences" based
  
  
• The Wonder Weeks - describes when and how babies reach developmental milestones, what to expect from those, and how to help your baby with them.
  
  Edit: I wanted to add brief descriptions and links (I was on my phone yesterday when I posted this.) I also added in the last book listed.
  
  I have literally read hundreds of parenting/child dev. books. I consider these to be the best of the best in terms of books that cover each of their respective topics in depth, from almost all perspectives, in as neutral of a way as possible, so that you can then make decisions about which more extreme (I don't mean that in a bad way) parenting styles might work for you and your family (e.g. attachment parenting, natural vs. medicated birth, etc.)
  

I'm going to sound like a broken record on this site when it comes to sleeping, but everyone whose ever told me about the sleeping problems of their child gets a copy of "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."

Here: http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023

The problem you have sounds like one our friends were having when the child was seven. The book explains sleep, the importance of sleep, and the evolution of healthy sleep habits that has helped literally everyone I know who has read the book and followed through. Your situation was solved by my friend in seven days after five years of frustration. I personally think her victory came because she was given a very educated explanation of why it would work and she stuck with it. Process was a lot of it, but the real lesson is, stick to what you find working until it works. Don't give up. It may take two weeks, but then you are done forever.

For your particular sleep routine, I believe the book would recommend sitting in a chair right beside the child's bed until they fall asleep. No talking to them, just gentle putting them back in bed when they try to 'escape'; no real interaction other than a gentle 're-tucking-in' to mimic your initial tuck and establish the continuity for later when your child finally gets it.

My friend's child was seven and she sat by the bed 2.5 hours the first night reading (today we would have an ipad and reddit vs. a book, times change). Something quiet and out of sight (and interest) to the child. The next night, she did the same thing for about an hour and a half; less the third and fourth night but I remember her showing amazing resolve for four nights. On the fifth, sixth, and seventh nights respectively, she was staying in the room less and moving the chair closer to the door. Night Eight, she was outside the room with the door cracked for about twenty silent uneventful minutes and the child dozed off. Night nine, she got a good nights sleep and my wife and I got two comp'd airline tickets anywhere in the continental US. Woot!

I have recommended/given this book to perhaps thirty couples. Some get offended at the thought of getting a book to rear a child, but I really champion sleep habits as I've seen the impacts on the families who try the book; the relationships between parent and child and the interpersonal relationships between spouses. We've seen 'tough' children take a toll on everyone involved including grandparents who won't watch the kids and friends who avoid another's house around bedtime, dinner time, eating out, etc. The beauty of the book is the "quick tips" sections at the end of each chapter so you can start in minutes and 'catch up'. We were behind with my first child and literally by the book with our second. We spent a grand total of six nights on developing the sleep habits of two children that are still strong today at ages 8 and 9.

One thing that I hear a lot, and not trying to instigate in anyway, but it is an underlying theme of the book that I observe to be true in all families: "we've tried everything". Children are taught AND parents are taught. The child wants attention at bedtime and that is what you have to be disciplined enough to remove. No interaction. The friend I described above had the oldest child I've known these lessons to work on. He was seven, and I think she had the toughest challenge I've seen and showed the best discipline in 'ignoring' the child. When her child resisted initially, she would firmly and gently hold him in place until he stopped. The woman was a saint.

The "total meltdown" you describe is the payoff for the child. They don't infer victory, but there is an innate need that is fulfilled by that attention and if it never comes, it does subside. Remember that you've been taught how you are going to act at bedtime by your child for two and a half years and it may take a bit of reprogramming for both of you, but each time you stray from the continuity of the lesson, you are actually succeeding in teaching a different lesson. I really hope this helps. You need some rest!! (this will work for /u/underthewisteria as well, I believe) Good luck all!

First, it's amazing you stepped up to rescue R.

I think most of the things you've mentioned are going to need time and patience more than anything else (and therapy, which I hope you have covered). It took years of hurt to get him to this place and it will take years of love and effort to get him back out. So don't rush things.

>[Food anxiety / high calorie diet / asking for snacks]

I don't have a lot of experience here (paging u/groundhogcakeday because IIRC one of her sons had needed a high-calorie diet) but I would suggest making sure the snacks are visibly available 24/7, and always stocked in quantity. He might be less hesitant to grab a snack when it's plain and clear there are a lot available.

I wouldn't pressure him about eating at all - I mean, discuss it with his doctor first, but my guess is it won't kill him to take a few months to get comfortable with his new situation. Having a long-term healthy relationship with food would seem more important than cramming calories into him. Sometimes doctors are very focused on their specific task and forget to look at the larger picture, so make sure they're aware of his food-related anxiety.

A lot of kids enjoy eating more when they're part of the whole process (selecting meals, shopping, and cooking). That might work for you, or it might be another thing R will feel anxiety/pressure over.

> Should I look into private schools?

This is so specific to your local schools... A public school might be great or it might be terrible, and ditto with a private one. You'll need to investigate your options personally to find out what kind of accommodations they're willing and able to make. With a public school, you can get an IEP and by law they are required to follow it - but of course, you still want to find somewhere that will do that right the first time.

He might do well to start a grade below where he should be (as he's both educationally behind and physically small), especially if that means he'll have an opportunity to get up to speed in an elementary school rather than a middle school (I don't know where the grade cutoff is in your area).

>he seems to have a small bit of separation anxiety. Is this normal?

Absolutely. He just lost his entire family. Perhaps you could start with a program in which you could also volunteer/participate? Once he's comfortable with his situation you can dial back the participation if necessary. (I'm a big fan of Lego Robotics and - at least around here - they're always happy to have more adult volunteers, too.)

>Punishment ... I only think he would misbehave if he was feeling really emotional

I'm not a fan of the P word, myself. There are better ways to correct behavior. Even those who study behaviorism (upon which reward/punishment-style discipline is based) will tell you the research shows the positive reinforcement end of the spectrum is a lot more healthy and effective. But I prefer to take a step further back and try to correct behavior by solving the problems that cause it to occur - that is problem-solving based discipline. This is doable with any kid, but it's especially been shown to be effective in children who have issues handling more traditional reward/punishment methods.

R has already been hurt enough. If he's having a problem, making him miserable in an effort to coerce him into solving it on his own (ie. punishment) is not the way to go. I suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child - the discipline model it describes is non-punitive and based on listening, understanding, and problem-solving. It is also empirically proven effective for kids with difficulties and disorders. Don't worry, the title is a bit of a misnomer; the process is good for any kid, explosive, implosive, or regular-plosive.

>Related to that, I praise R a lot because he never got it when he was younger, but it's very hard for him to take a compliment and he still seems to think of himself as a bad kid.

Be careful with praise. Praise is judgment (positive judgement, but judgement nonetheless). R's current view of himself is based on someone else's (very negative) judgements; hanging his self-esteem on someone else's opinions instead isn't a great long-term solution even if he wasn't uncomfortable with it. You need to help him see himself in a positive light.

To that end, I suggest you look at the difference between praise and encouragement (another summary here. It's a subtle distinction, but IMO an important one.

That's about all I feel qualified answering. Best of luck!

We work very closely with a dietitian for our 13 month old son (he was a preemie and has a lot of issues with eating/textures of food/swallowing/etc). We also work with a Speech Therapist and several special doctors. Not ONCE have any of them ever said that we should force food on our child or continue to push things he doesn't like and refuses to eat. This promotes anxiety and fears about eating that are unnecessary. I am by all means NOT a professional, but I have been working with them for over a year. Here are my suggestions:

1. Always OFFER the food you want your daughter to eat. Offer it several times before giving up on it (not in one day....over the course of a week or two). Sometimes babies just don't like certain foods. We are adults and have willpower. We understand that even if broccoli doesn't taste as good as corndogs, it is the better choice. Obviously babies and young children can't reason like that. Try preparing it different ways. We found out that our son LOVES avocado if it has a little bit of pure sugar mixed in (like 1/2 tsp per one whole mashed avocado).
   
   
2. Let her eat it off of your plate. This has been a BIG trick for our son and has helped a lot. If he won't eat it, we put some on our plate and then all of the sudden he wants it.
   
   
3. Let her PLAY with her food. Offer foods during non meal times. Let her explore them. If she wants to roll an apple like a ball let her! Make art with the food. Let her finger paint with pudding, yogurt, fruit juice mixed with a bit of corn starch. Yes, it is messy, but it makes snack time fine and stress free for her. Let her pull apart broccoli, celery, and other veggies and explore them. She might just stick one in her mouth! it doesn't mean she will love it, but at least she can taste different things. Food art is a very good tool for picky eaters. When you put food on her plate, make designs. Make flowers out of berries and leafy greens, draw faces on fruits and veggies with dipping sauces, etc.
   
   
4. Try to use things like V-8 or home-made veggie and fruit juices (watered down juice or smoothies made with yogurt, fruits, and veggies) to get in those nutrients she needs. You can even add broccoli and spinach and she won't taste it.
   
   
5. Take her to a local farm where you can pick your own fruits and veggies and let her help! Or take her to the produce section of store and let her help pick things if there isn't a local farm.
   
   
6. Try different temperatures i.e. frozen peaches, bananas, or berries (in a mesh baby feeder like this one to prevent choking issues: http://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Pack-Fresh-Feeder-Colors/dp/B000GK5XY2 which are especially good for teething time!) then try warm peach or berry compote (this recipe is good but I don't I use less brown sugar or none at all and it is still good because of the juice and obviously I don't use brandy! http://www.recipekey.com/therecipes/Peach-Compote) and room temperature diced peaches or bananas.
   
   Our pedi and dietitian told us that babies go through phases. If you can sneak in the fruits and veggies that is best, but sometimes you just can't and you do the best you can and just offer them at every meal.
   
   Don't make meal times stressful. If you are stressed about what she is or isn't going to eat, she will be too!
   
   My only disclaimer is that if you are very concerned talk to your pediatrician. She may be able to recommend something else or refer you to a nutritionist. All that we have been told indicates that At this age it isn't a HUGE deal what babies eat as long as they are growing at a good rate (not too slow, not too fast) mostly because they will never overeat.
   
   One final note: Be very careful with hot dogs as they are a top contender for choking hazards. if you don't already please consider removing the skins and cutting each hot dog slice into quarters.
   
   If you have any more questions or would like to talk to me, please feel free to send me a message. Good luck and don't worry too much. It is obvious you are great parents because you took the time to ask!

One of my wife's friends wrote this one...not a bad book, I suppose. Lots of good information about pregnancy, things that are good to know from the dad's perspective.

The one your wife is going to read, and you should also read, is the classic What to Expect book. That's sort of the "pregnancy bible", lots of really good information in there, most women read it.

Another one that I really got a lot out of is If Your Kid Eats This Book, Everything Will Be OK. That's written by an ER doctor who talks about how to tell the normal illnesses and maladies that aren't worrisome from the ones that you actually do need to be concerned about. It's saved my wife and I from a handful of ER/Doctor's Office visits.

The final one is the one I recommend over anything else. If you buy no other books/dvds, buy this one. It might save your life, sanity, and/or marriage:

The Happiest Baby On The Block

I'd recommend both the book and the DVD, but if you only get one, get the DVD. Hell, many libraries carry it.

Any and every parent I know who has watched it basically thanks Harvey Karp for making the first 3 months entirely bearable. It teaches you how to soothe a screaming infant, quickly and calmly...it makes for a happier child, and happier parents. Buy it, or rent it, or whatever...just make damned sure you see it before d-day.

Outside of that, a quality swing that plugs in (not one that runs on batteries...you will spend the difference in cost between the two on batteries) can be great. Our little girl, along with a few of our friends kids, all loved the Ocean Wonders one by Fisher Price...although for whatever reason, it seems to be ridiculously expensive on Amazon. I believe we paid 150 or 200 for it brand new. Worth every penny...cheap swings are just that: cheap. They aren't comfortable, they aren't well made, and they don't work for particularly picky infants (e.g. my daughter). I have a few friends who had more laid-back kids who have said that the cheaper swings work, so if money is tight that's something you might wait on until you meet the child:)

For most baby stuff, you get what you pay for. The stuff that works is going to be expensive because it works. I tell most of my friends that my experience is that you buy the best rated thing you can afford (just because it's expensive doesn't necessarily mean it's good, always find product reviews!).

Anyhow, through the pregnancy, the best thing you can do is just be interested and involved. Try to remember that your wife/partner might seem to lose her mind a few times, and it's mostly hormones...so let the crazy slide a little bit more than usual.

Other than that, just square yourself with the idea that your old life is done, and you now have a new one. Everything changes with kids, and the more OK you are with that, the better you will be as a dad. It's the best change you could ask for, and most dads will say that they wouldn't go back to the life of video games and nightly partying for anything in the world now that they are dads. It's worth giving all of that up a million times over. But don't fight it. Don't tell your wife that she can handle being home with her one-month old alone because you're stressed and need some time with your boys. Don't say that you can't get up in the middle of the night because you have an early tee time. Don't tell her that you shouldn't have to help clean up the kitchen because you worked all day.

That kind of stuff comes naturally to most guys, and I certainly hope it does for you. You find that when you just let the change envelop you, instead of trying to shoehorn your old lifestyle into your new life, things are easier and much more fun. The change is good, and it is inevitable. Fighting it just makes you, your wife, and your child miserable.

I don't have kids this old yet but honestly. I'd sit down with her and have a good talk..she's at an age i think where she's just feeling insecure slightly clingy and attached to you (possible abandonment issues from dad?) and terribly ignorant about things within sexual nature.

she's 13 so i think its time you talk about sex with her in terms of how it's something adults do. How those toys are for you and that it doesn't mean you need a man. Humans just have basic needs and theyre totally healthy, sex is healthy not disgusting just as long as you are careful with your partners and friendships are healthy too and that if she loves you she will have to accept that you need friends in your life and not just her though she'll always be number 1. How she needs to stop being so nosy and just trust you as momma and respect you more. You need to bring this stuff up as well with her therapist assuming she still goes to one. And i agree with other people this isn't healthy. You two need to have hobbies, friends and time for yourselves, boundaries and rules definitely need to be set in place, she can not keep trying to regulate what you can and can't do like she's YOUR parent, and you need to stop feeling apologetic over it. I think the only good thing i see is that she feels comfortable enough to ask you things, thats great! Because most kids wont talk to their parents at all and ask their friends instead. So make sure when you talk to remind her that you love how she can come to you to talk about anything and that's why no matter who comes and goes from your life and hers that you'll always be there for her.

Also i plan on getting these for my daughter when she's older around your daughter's age, she's still a little one though so itll be a while :)
https://www.amazon.com/Feelings-Book-Revised-Keeping-Emotions/dp/1609581830/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1609581830&pd_rd_r=MTHPR5XD5SZTD38JZA7X&pd_rd_w=KEPlY&pd_rd_wg=hBtsI&psc=1&refRID=MTHPR5XD5SZTD38JZA7X

https://www.amazon.com/This-Normal-Revised-Questions-Answered/dp/1609589068/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1609589068&pd_rd_r=TX19F1WHG257VDCE3WF1&pd_rd_w=wNkUa&pd_rd_wg=9GR1i&psc=1&refRID=TX19F1WHG257VDCE3WF1

https://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-Younger-Revised/dp/1609580834/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1516748967&sr=8-1

A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.

You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.

Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.

Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.

Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.

So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.

I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.

Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)

and

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)

Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.

Yes, the crib can come at anytime, but I think he needs to be in the same room as mommy until 6 months. You could go sooner, but why? Unless he's causing problems with sleep, as they say, "if it ain't broke....".

EVERYONE, has advice and they are more than happy to give it, so I'll repeat mine. "If it doesn't FEEL right, don't do it."

You will over think everything about the first child, I did and still do. Read, but try not to obsess with "growth charts" and the "he should be doing "blank" at this many months" charts all baby books seem to have.

Find a good pediatrician, one you like as well as respect and but most of all has kids of his own. I think having kids changes your outlook and it's important that your doctor have some perspective and first hand experience of being a first time parent. Nothing changes your life more than the first child as you will soon see.

Dad needs to read this book "Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads" it's funny but has some great advice. Yes, MORE advice sorry.

Good Luck the first six months or so are the toughest, but also the most rewarding.

1. I drew penises and vaginas on ALL of my pictures at the same age. I don't know if what she's drawing is actually a penis... She may actually be attempting to draw a vagina (or a "butt"). Just because it looks like it's sticking down from the body doesn't mean anything - children are awful at drawing perspective. They tend to draw symbolically.
   
   
2. Looking at the picture you shared: http://imgur.com/TntSokl I do not see anything to be concerned about. What I see is an intelligent child who is interested in ALL the parts of the body - nipples, belly buttons, and hey - she's got the correct number of fingers on almost every hand! How awesome is that?
   
   
3. Your childminder needs to chill. If she makes a big deal about it, your daughter will become MORE curious, and you're going to have her drawing "penises" on everything in sight. Nothing engages kids more than a strong reaction.
   
   
4. It's high time you actually taught your daughter something about the human body - male and female. She's interested in anatomy, and she's young enough that conversations about this haven't become terribly awkward yet. Seize the moment and teach her! Ignorance won't protect her, and good solid information will help satisfy her curiosity and make it a lot less likely she'll innocently do something awkward and embarrassing (like ask a little boy to drop his pants, so she can see the differences).
   
   Your local library is full of wonderful books you can share with your daughter. One of the best is:
   
   It's Not the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends
   
   As for your other concerns:
   
   It's normal for a child her age to want to sleep with their parent. Allow it, or don't allow it, as you choose. It's not symptomatic of anything, other than the fact that human beings need to be trained to feel comfortable sleeping alone. You're not hurting her, no matter where you decide to have her sleep.
   
   And her mirror writing is also very, very common in ambidextrous and left-handed children. Just keep (gently) encouraging her to use her right hand, and eventually she'll stop. It's a cool party trick, nothing more. My son is a lefty, and used to do the same thing.
   
   

If he's getting mobile, baby gates to block unsafe areas/stairs? Babyproofing type stuff in general became important for us around that age.

Some people like exersaucer/jumpers and some people don't. I am a fan when they are used for a limited time daily and kid isn't just parked in them all day. They are a nice way to keep a mobile baby occupied and using his energy while you need to chase the 5 year old, prepare a meal, what have you. The argument against (overusing) them is that it can be bad for hip development, walking etc., but I read a great article by a PT professional that explained this but endorsed limited daily use. I got our exersaucer on Craigslist for $20, and then sold it on Craigslist for $20 when we were done with it.

Edited to add, one more thing - these mesh teethers were awesome not just for teething but for distraction too. I would freeze strawberry or peach slices and pop them in there, then hand to baby. He'd toddle around munching on it (mesh prevents them from getting big pieces out) and, if he was teething, of course the frozen fruit was cold and helped with that.

One more thing, I could not do parenting without a white noise thing in baby's room. Your new foster baby may or may not be into it, but you could always pop a white noise app on your phone for a couple days, see if it helps him sleep, and then if so get a white noise machine for the room. Some double as night lights.

Second edit, is he eating solid food yet? I am in love with these bibs, we only have one but I wish we had more. The thing is, they just make cleaning up baby and high chair much faster and easier.

Third edit (I'm sorry, I keep thinking of things that made our lives easier!) - a kid carrier. It might be nice to be able to go out to playground or walk with the 5 year old but have your hands free, you know, and that way new baby still gets stimulation of sights and sounds of the walk along with that extra bonding time. Wearing the baby might be helpful for that. We used a Baby Bjorn from about 6 weeks - 10 months, but at 9 months I wouldn't bother buying one. I hear an Ergo can be used a long time, but we chose a Kelty carrier because we hike a lot and wanted something that could really be stable and ergonomic through the toddler years. Another thing to save money and buy from Craigslist - the style we have is $139 new but we got an older similar model for $35 on Craigslist and it does the job.

> he became upset and whined that he "needs tv to fall asleep".

This is probably true. I've been reading Ferber's book and he talks about these sorts of situations. Both unwanted sleep associations (what your son likely now has with the TV), trouble with limit setting (your husband it sounds like :/) and what a good bedtime routine looks like.

On the sleep association if your child (or even an adult) always falls asleep in a certain situation, place, with someone present, ect they will often form a sleep association and now need that to fall asleep. He actually had an example of a kid who fell asleep every night in the living room watching TV and then if they woke in the night returned to the living room and turned on the TV since they didn't know how to fall asleep in their own bed. Also, if put to bed in their bed they struggled/cried/ect. The sleep association may be to the TV but also the living room, you guys being around, the couch, or multiple. All of these are changes.

Since you are creating new habits/breaking a sleep association your son is going to struggle for a couple days at least so you may as well set something up you are happy with. You don't want to create even more habits you don't have to like and will break again.

For the bedtime routine first have TV completely off the table/psychically not on in the house before he has to go to bed so it's not a temptation. Have him get ready for bed (PJs, teeth) and then have something to look forward to in terms of quality time in his room with a parent doing something relaxing/without a screen. So he has the quality time to look forward to when he is doing his PJs teeth and won't fight it (once he catches on). The amount of the fun activity can depend on how quickly he gets this done. So once he has done his PJs and teeth maybe he could go to his room and play one on one with a parent for 20 minutes then read two books in bed then go to sleep. Whatever.

Since it will be harder for him to fall asleep when breaking his routine you want to start off with a later bedtime not an earlier one. You want him to be so sleepy by the time the two books are done that he conks right out. To ease this transition bedtime would be set 30 minutes or an hour (an hour is safer) after the time he normally falls asleep watching TV. So a time he is very tired and will have an easy time falling asleep. Until he if falling asleep in his bed at night without TV and without excessive crying or tantruming keep him at an extra late bedtime and do not add any extra naps or allow him to nap any longer then he did previously. He needs to be sleepy.

Once he is going to bed with the new routine then slowly move his bedtime back down. When you are trying to shift a child's sleep schedule it can often be hard to just put them to bed an hour or two earlier right away, as their body/natural rytum is not set to fall asleep then. So first move him back to when he was falling asleep in front of the TV and then move bedtime 10 minutes a day or something until it is where you want it. However, a good bedtime is based on your child getting the right amount of sleep overall and being tired when it is time to sleep. If you move it to early for him he may not be able to fall asleep then and that can cause power struggles as he just can't do it.

Ferber also has chapters on natural rytums and shifting sleep schedules. Honestly, it's a really good book. And make your husband read it. It's important he understand and get on board with being a good parent rather then one who just does what is easy. You have a special needs child and you can't carry the whole workload by yourself. He may think he is being nice to your son but he is actually creating problems for him. Have him read the chapter on sleep association and the chapter on limit setting as these will help him understand why how he has been handling this is not good for his child.

Check out the Love and Logic series by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, professionals who worked with foster kids with severe behavioral issues so it focuses on non punitive discipline but is awesome. On their website they have a whole list of resources for children and 7 to 12 years age group as well as a link to their main book Parenting with Love and Logic.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/c-11-ages-7-12.aspx

Another fabulous one is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1406625612&robot_redir=1

Good luck, she's fortunate to have a loving father figure who cares so much!

You're an awesome employer. $400 for a baby gift (particularly one as frequently used and safety-oriented) is an amazing gift.

My wife and I bought a Britax B-Agile Travel System. Note that a travel system is a combined stroller, carrier, and carrier base for the car, which means they would be pretty much covered until their baby is big enough for a full-blown car seat, and the stroller will last longer than that. Yes, these really can last a while if they're well-designed and well-made, though as a recent first-time parent, I can't speak to how accurate "five years" is. I would reasonably expect probably about 2-4 years, depending on how you treat your stuff and how quickly your child grows. (Note that most of these are based on weight, rather than age.) The B-Agile system is good for 30 pounds, which is roughly 3-4 years, I'm told.

This system, once assembled, is incredibly easy to use, very beefy, and rather stylish. All of the wheels lock with a single foot pedal at the back, the front wheel locks against turning for mostly-straight tracks, and the wheels are all fairly large, which means it's easier to push on rough terrain or over small pebbles in parking lots. There's plenty of storage (with an optional organizer that attaches to the back), and it all clips together/comes apart/folds up very easily. It's really well-designed as a system that's easy to use and easy to move or adjust. The carrier clips into the stroller (until the little one is too large for it), and then unclips and clips into the car base. You then push a button and lift a handle, and the stroller folds literally in half for storage in your car trunk. We chose the red version because it's highly visible/recognizable at a distance.

As far as cost is concerned, Amazon has this for a little under $300, and we were able to get Babies R Us to price-match it. They had to order it though, as red wasn't in stock. I wouldn't recommend used as recalls do happen and you need to register with the company if you want to be notified about a recall. If you're looking for something else to use the remaining $300 on, you could get things like square receiving blankets that can also serve as burping cloths or swaddling blankets, a bouncer with audio and vibration, or a nice swing. I'd recommend Fisher Price "Snug" series (Snugamonkey, Snugabunny, etc.) as they're great quality, very sturdy, have great reviews, and a ton of great features. (Can rotate and reposition, has multiple sound and music options including white noise, has a rotating mobile, multiple speed settings, battery or wall plug operation, etc.) The swings will set you back about $150, the bouncers around $60, and the blankets around $10-15 for a set of 3.

If you don't want to look like an overbearing Daddy Warbucks in-law, I'd just recommend one "big" think (i.e. the travel system), and maybe a few small things like the receiving blankets, a portable bottle warmer, or a DadGear diaper bag or backpack, which takes diapering on the move to a whole new level. The bag is a little more than a casual gift, but might still fit.

If you want extra bonus points, buy them a copy of Happiest Baby on the Block which is a series of soothing techniques that stops a baby from crying in literally seconds. It sounds a cross between hokey and scammy, but it WORKS.

My cousin recommended "The happiest baby on the block" as a book. I found it incredibly hard to read but I came away with these methods for soothing a baby:

>The 5 “S’s”: the simple steps (swaddling, side/stomach position, shushing, swinging and sucking) that trigger the calming reflex. For centuries, parents have tried these methods only to fail because, as with a knee reflex, the calming reflex only works when it is triggered in precisely the right way. Unlike other books that merely list these techniques Dr. Karp teaches parents exactly how to do them, to guide cranky infants to calm and easy babies to serenity in minutes…and help them sleep longer too.

As for the "right" combination, just keep calm (babies can sense tension/anxiety) and experiment (as I recall). When teeny-tiny, our son really liked to be swaddled, and shushing worked, well too. We had no qualms about a pacifier - we're not sure how those "crazies" (playful jest, people!) who try to do without pacifiers make it.

Conversely, he was several months old before he got used to a swing, but we could gently bounce with him in our arms while gently rocking to help calm him down.

You might find the book "The Explosive Child" helpful in understanding your child's behavior. My son sounds very similar to your daughter (and honestly, much, much less of an explosive child than what the book is truly intended for). However, the premise of the book is that kids who explode like this are lacking in the skills of flexibility and adaptability and that helping them learn these skills is far preferable to punishing bad behavior that stems from a lacking skill.

My pediatrician also recommended the book, "The Whole-Brain Child", which helps explain some of the way children's brains functions. This book is especially useful because it explains why, during huge meltdowns, your child is really incapable of rational thought. You have to wait until the child is calm again before trying to address any of the challenges you're facing.

With that being said, I have noticed in particular that my son has a lot more frequent meltdowns when he is 1) tired or 2) hungry. Asking "are you hungry?" and offering him a snack sometimes snaps him right out of it.

Interacting with him/discussing his feelings/giving hugs during the meltdown seem to make it worse (contrary to my initial impulse which is to walk him through his feelings). This is really only possible AFTER the storm has been weathered. Isolating him, which is pretty much my least natural response, is what seems to work for him the best. We simply tell him he needs to stay in his room until he is calm and ready to talk about what's going on. He calms down MUCH faster by himself and half the time, he ends up falling asleep (and wakes up in a perfectly happy mood).

Get him a book and discuss it together. Note the second half of that sentence - this doesn't get you off the hook from talking to him, but gives you a place to start and some idea of age-appropriate language. It's Perfectly Normal is widely recognized as one of the best sex ed books out there (and does cover masturbation); if you want something for boys specifically, you could try the Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen or The Body Book for Boys (not completely sure if they both cover masturbation so you might want to read some reviews first).

Having said that, I'm wondering why Mom wants you to be the one to have this conversation in the first place? Do you have a relationship with him such that he would feel comfortable talking about such personal stuff with you? Otherwise I would probably suggest that she bring it up with him first, and then you can mention that if he has any questions he'd feel more comfortable asking another guy, that you'd be happy to chat with him too.

I read "Oh Crap! Potty Training". The author's recommendation is to not start until they are at least 20months and can sing their ABCs. My kid was speech delayed at that age and definitely couldn't sing her ABCs (and still can't, at 2.5yrs), but we dove in right at 20m and she trained super easily compared to most of my friends' kids, even training for naps and nights. It took us like 2w to get to where I felt like I could leave the house without accidents. And she learned to say "pee pee" when she had to use the bathroom, so that was a plus.

My second born will be 20m in 1 week and I can't decide if I want to dive in and go through 2 weeks of potty training accidents to get the sweetness of never needing diapers again. It's a tough call to make!

Anyways, we used the little separate training potty at first, so that she could put herself on her potty and go pee, and then eventually moved up to setting her on the toilet with an insert which was necessary for using the restroom during outings. By the time I potty trained her, she was also sleeping in a big kid bed already which was super helpful.. I would sit her little potty on a waterproof mat on her floor and if she woke up from her nap, she could quickly sit herself on her potty before I could even get in there. She rarely had accidents in bed.

We read a lot of books about toilets... "Everybody Poops", "Potty Time", and "Once Upon a Potty". Some other books I liked were "Diapers are Not Forever", "Potty", and "Let's Go Potty, Elmo!".

I think one thing that no one seems to be addressing is that your wife just had a c-section 5 days ago! Major abdominal surgery! Every day will get better and better because she is recovering more and more each day. She is probably still on the prescription painkillers and will be switching to ibuprofen in the next day or so. The transition is hard to go from the prescription to OTC. But then once you do it, it'll be better because it won't make her sleepy.

I highly suggest a co-sleeper (like an arm's reach co-sleeper). I know you said that you do not want to co-sleep. We did just for the first 2 months. It was SO MUCH EASIER to nurse during the night when the baby is next to you. It is totally safe and it is easy to transition to the nursery. You'll both get more sleep by not having to get up and go into another room. And the night feedings will slow down with each month that passes. I found that the 6 week point was a real turning point for me. Both with my c-section recovery. And with our daughter getting to an easier point. And breast feeding becoming much easier.

There is a great resource for help here on reddit: /r/breastfeeding
The book that saved me was Breastfeeding Made Simple

And the thing that helped my husband the most was the DVD, Happiest Baby on the Block. Also available for instant download on Amazon.

Hang in there!

Came here to say this! Seriously, Nosefrida is awesome. Looks weird, but it's legit. It totally saved my sanity and helped baby breathe better almost immediately. Reviews
I would also talk to the pediatrician just to be safe. Congratulations and good luck!

YES - my son is a climber, a runner, and loves to get into everything. Babyproofing made my life so much calmer. Here's some of my favorite finds.

Door Monkey - fits on standard (not beveled) door frames, installs in 1 second, and works fantastic as both a pinch guard and to prevent entry/exit. Its also nice on bedroom doors which have locks on them, as I'd get locked out of multiple rooms otherwise as my son knows how to activate those locks.

flip lock - for the front door, as my kid figured out how to move a chair to the front door and unlock it and get outside. Easy to install high up, looks nice, cheap, and is easy to work.

Baby fence - put this around the stuff you want to keep baby out of! Things such as entertainment centers and computer desks can be surrounded by this fence.

magnetic locks - for those drawers that you don't want any possible entry into, i.e. drawers with money. Very solid lock.

Latches - for things that can't be drilled into/that you don't want to drill into. You can lock the bottom drawer of the stove, the dishwasher, regular drawers, etc with this. Easy to install; I don't know how easy to remove.

get in good shape, take care of yourself.
Get rest
I wouldn't really be angling for a promotion right now

When the baby is born, and this may be a couple of months in. If possible, through bottle feeding or pump - and - serve, try to find a way to go 2 nights on 2 nights off when it comes to waking with the baby in the middle of the night.

This isn't possible for everyone, but my wife and I did it with both of our kids, and I think we were better for it.

Read Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023 or at least the summaries.

Happiest baby on the block by Harvy Karp was helpful as well. "Treat first 3 months as 4th tri-mester" is the general idea.

Control-Fed to see if anyone had mentioned this and they haven't-- "The Happiest Baby On The Block," by Dr. Harvey Karp. I can't imagine what the first six months would have been like for us without it. I still shhhhhh my baby to sooth her at almost 15 months, and it still works. Find a radio station with the flattest static you can, and play it for her, all night long. It'll sooth her and block out background noises that may disturb her. To be honest, the rest of the book wouldn't be very helpful for you now since it's meant for newborns, but the white noise may still work.

If you're this stressed out, your baby can probably sense it. I'm certainly not trying to guilt you more; it's just a really nasty vicious circle. I'm not nearly as at the end of my rope as you sound, but I also work, so I get a 10 hour break every day from my kid, which probably goes a long way. Like you, our families are not close, and we don't really have any friends in the area; in my case, my husband works a LOT so it's often just me and the baby.

Everyone keeps telling me to join a meet up group of moms. I haven't found one yet that meets on weekends, but you seem to be a stay at home mom and it might be easier for you. Also, if you can afford it, something like Gymboree where you can make mom friends and get a change of setting.

Good luck, and hang in there.

Edit: Re: bottles: Some babies don't like bottles at all, they will drink from spoons, or just go straight to cups. Try a straw sippy cup, like this one-- my kiddo's been on them since about 10 months.

Okay...Jake needs leadership. Got it?

Hasn't had much of it for some reason. Certainly doesn't have it now.

A very common mistake that parents make with kids is that they just expect kids to be miracles. To be perfect. To do all the right things...etc.

Here's the bottom line - kids have to be taught EVERYTHING. Got it?

They pop out with nothing and rely solely on their parents to learn just about everything.

So...when a kid seems fucked up, the only person to point the fingers to are the parents. It's not the kid, it's not the kid, it's not the kid. It's the parents.

If you are going to be involved in this kid's life, you are going to have to find the means and practices to teach and support him. Only then is he going to change.

It's not easy, by the way, and I can tell you that forcing him to do something seldom works. You can push a kid to be better, but only under the right terms.

And lastly, if you don't have trust and respect in a relationship, you don't have a relationship. If you don't have a relationship, you have nothing. You can't take control or help a kid or adult until they trust you, and until they respect you.

Be a leader. Be a VERY good leader. This applies to kids and all those around you.

I would start with this book

Good luck.

Ideas:

1. Have kiddo watch Signing Time on Netflix. It is an amazing show that will help with his language development. No guilt.
   
   
2. Get the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023 Our 2 year old sleeps from 5pm to 7am every day, and our 6 month old just started doing the same thing with only one wake up overnight. There are, of course, several naps throughout the day. Yes, my son and daughter sleep around 14 hours each night and with naps they sleep a total of around 17 (2 yo) to 18-20 (6mo) hours PER DAY. More kid sleeping time means more relax time for mommy and you.
   
   
3. Give her every Friday night off. Tell her to get out of the house. Find a friend of hers, make plans if you have to, send her to dinner or a movie or SOMETHING.
   
   
4. Do you have a spare room? Arrange to let a nanny live rent free (room and board) in exchange for assistance 20-30 hours a week.
   
   
5. Pick a whole WEEK where each person is on overnight duty. One week you are on duty. You feed little one every time. Next week she is on duty. I read a study that showed doing this week by week made a HUGE difference in the amount of sleep each partner got and their ability to function. Do not take "no" for an answer here. She needs to be able to sleep. Have her pump her breastmilk into bottles and so you can help feed the little one overnight that way.
   
   
6. Do you have a spare room? Put the baby in there immediately. My wife was unable to sleep with our baby in our bedroom because when she made the tiniest noise it would wake my wife up. Putting the baby in the other room allowed both of them to sleep MUCH better.
   
   
7. Is she depressed? Post Partum Depression is real. My wife got put on some meds and it made a world of difference. (For the record, I am anti-meds unless it's really necessary ... and these were amazing.) Have her talk to a doctor, it can improve her quality of life DRAMATICALLY.
   
   Divorce doesn't seem like a wise option. Are you going to take care of the kids? Don't be silly!

3 is a REALLY hard age. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by trying to parent, especially a child who has extra challenges from a health problem. A few things:

1. You need to make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Other people have mentioned the possibility of this triggering your own mental health issue. When my health issues were addressed, it made parenting SO much easier. You also need breaks and a way to remove yourself from situations where you are overwhelmed. We used these: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004ECJWK4/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&th=1 to keep our son in his room, where he was safe. Because of how it latches, it's still easy to hear if something goes wrong, but doesn't allow them to wander around/get into dangerous things. Obviously you can't just lock your child in their room for hours at a time. But if you're loosing control of your own emotions, 10 minutes of being in their room is a lot healthier than you losing it on them.
   
   
2. It might help to see a therapist. They can give you tools to help calm down.
   
   
3. This is the big thing that I wish I knew when my oldest son was three. It's okay that your kid is out of control. You cannot control him. You cannot force him to behave. And he's not capable of controlling himself yet either. That means that there are going to be a LOT of times where he's out of control. That can feel overwhelming and scary, but it is NORMAL and there isn't anything that you need to do to "fix" it. Keep communicating your expectations and just hang on. He will mature. His ability to control himself will improve. He won't behave this way when he's 14. His misbehavior doesn't mean that you're a bad parent.
   
   With all that said. Don't feed the emotions. If he's melting down, put consequences on hold. Adding time outs, or losing privileges, or spanking him isn't going to help things. It's only going to add anxiety for him and you and extend the problem. He feels out of control and doesn't know how to change that. More consequences for not doing something he doesn't know how to do aren't going to help. Reset your expectations to things that you think both of you can accomplish. Fighting over cleaning up toys? Decide that you'll come back to the toys and go get a drink instead. Is he melting down because he wants a snack and it's an hour until dinner? Get out of the kitchen and start a bath. (Add food coloring for extra distraction.) Are you trying to do grocery shopping and he's throwing a fit? Get the stuff you need for dinner and head home. Parenting a 3 year old requires a LOT of flexibility and that's not always a part of a parent's personality.
   
   Last suggestion. If you can afford it, find a drop off day care that will allow you a little time away. That way, every Tuesday at 10 (or whatever time works for you) you can drop off littlenotbeingmyself#1 and put littlenotbeingmyself#2 in the running stroller and do that thing that you love. There have been times where I've felt like the fact that I'm a stay at home parent means that I should ALWAYS be watching them. And I've discovered that's not healthy for any of us. Hang in there. It does, eventually, get easier.

>it's just that pink princesses who need the approval of men and overbearing female family members to have any self-worth...

No kidding!

I do think some of this is developmental (for ex., the chapter in Nurtureshock on race has some really interesting stuff on how social science research shows kids gravitate to very clear-cut 'us vs them' groups at around your daughter's age). I was discussing the 'princess' thing with some friends who have girls older than mine, and they say their twins & their friends all went through the phase for a couple of years before elementary school, then after awhile all decided the princess stuff was awful and switched to black clothing and tomboy activities (also both phases). So there's at least some reason to think that some parts of this will resolve with time as she matures.

No question, though, that the underlying girls vs boys ideology is disturbing. You can't do anything about your co-parent's living situation or family dynamic, but you can promote your own positive view of a 'girl power' agenda that doesn't put down boys. Maybe you could take the 'girl power' thing and run with it in a direction that fits your values? The site "A Mighty Girl" has reviewed & suggested a lot of toys, books, etc., to promote some positive and more empowered ways of being a girl than simply "I love princesses / boys steal girl power." For starters, you could start working some of that stuff into the book/toy collection you have for your daughter.

It takes time to make kids understand "Shame" and "Dirty" and "Disturbing", and those things need to be taught...But not about their own bodies.

There is nothing that a body does naturally that should be considered too risque to talk about. Sex is normal. It's a normal part of a relationship. How do you explain pregnancy without explaining sex?

My mother was too chicken to explain sex, but she bombarded me with books for every stage of curiosity and development, from picture books up to teen sexuality books. (When I was about 5, I remember huddling secretively with my friends reading some cute and cartoonish "how babies are made" book like it was a porno mag, so I suppose that fulfilled sex ed requirement for my Catholic school.)

You don't want it to be a mystery or a taboo, or some topic to get weird about. If you in your heart believe it to be normal, it's easy to talk to your kids about it. If not, at least buy them some books.

The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy was a gift from a friend and my absolute favorite when I was pregnant. I've gifted it to several friends since. "What to Expect" I found surprisingly off-putting, much more "What to Expect if You Are Married and Upper-Middle Class".

For later, I loved Simplicity Parenting, Baby-Led Weaning, and The Happiest Baby on the Block. Those last three I got from our local library.

Congrats!

Lots of great advice already on this thread, but I wanted to recommend this book as well. It is witty and playful, but has a lot of really good information.

Also, be the best husband in the world and as soon as your wife starts getting big, buy her a body pillow. I made it through my first pregnancy without one, but now at 31 weeks along with my second, I can't imagine how I survived without it.

If you try to remember, when he does something to hurt you or someone else, he's just acting out. Try your best not to get angry. As a bunch of other posters have said, give him a lot of love. Make him feel like you admire and love him. Keep him away from anymore unnecessary stress and try to make things happy and hopeful even if they aren't.

If you can turn things around now, he may not be permanently damaged. He probably won't even remember much of it. Also, this book is helpful.

Babies under 4 months have no set sleep pattern at all. Waking every 2-3 hours at night is perfectly normal. Hell, my son didn't even sleep through the night completely until like 18 months, I think. My daughter started doing it at 1 month, but I think it is because she pretty much didn't nap all day long. Every kid is totally different.

I highly suggest picking up Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. It's a really great book and goes into detail about the sleep habits of kids at various ages, as well as how to get them on a set sleep routine. It was invaluable for my wife and I. 4 months is a good time to start sleep training.

None of this is magic but it all helps a little.

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Vicks Mini Filter Free Cool Mist Humidifier Small Humidifier for Bedrooms, Baby, Kids Rooms, Auto-Shut Off, 0.5 Gallon Tank for 20 Hours of Moisturized Air, Use with Vicks VapoPads https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MOI5QUU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_oYV3BbGVZEZXH

Trust is a two way street. If you don't trust her, she won't trust you. I suggest reading some books to help you learn how to listen to and talk to your daughter. It sounds like there is a pretty big communication breakdown.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

This is also available on audio if you have long commutes. Try to get her to educate herself on how to spot toxic people.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310210844/ref=mp_s_a_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1495213388&sr=8-10&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=toxic+people

Also try to get her to educate herself on what to look for in a lifetime partner.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440215757/ref=mp_s_a_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1495213453&sr=8-1-spell&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=are+younthe+one+for+me

We aren't born with the knowledge of how to have healthy relationships with healthy people and we have to make mistakes to figure it all out. The best thing you can do for your daughter is give her the knowledge needed to navigate this cruel world. It's up to her to apply that knowledge. Good luck!

1. You don't have to do what the pediatrician says in terms of sleeping through the night and night weaning - that's parenting advice not medical advice. If you were happy co-sleeping and breastfeeding at night then you can continue to do that. You can always sleep train him later or even wait until he shows you that he is ready to sleep on his own.
   
   
2. Assuming you WANT to follow the pediatricians advice (a perfectly reasonable want, there is nothing wrong with following the pediatricians advice I just wanted to make sure that you knew that you shouldn't feel like you HAD to), then first I'll ask, what type of CIO are you doing? Are you doing the interval method where you go in at increasing intervals (after 2, 4, 8, 10 minutes) and lay him back down and rub his back for a minute to get him to calm down? Or are you doing the extinction method where you just let him cry until he falls asleep? Or are you sitting in the room with him the whole time, near his crib but not talking to him? Or some other version? You may just want to switch up how you do it. If you haven't read doctor ferber's book, I strongly suggest you do so, as it may help you find a specific method that will help you out.
   
   
3. Also, when is the last time that you feed him at night? If he goes to sleep around 7-8 pm and he eats at that time, its fairly reasonable in my opinion that he would be hungry by 3 am. You might consider adding a dream feed when you go to sleep a few hours after after him, around 10-11pm. He will probably only eat a little bit, but this could help keep him full until 6-7am, which is a much more reasonable time for him to be awake.

Babies are resilient. Don't get too worked up on making sure everything is perfect. When your baby is an infant, make sure you are taking care of yourselves; a frazzled, sleep-deprived parent isn't what your baby need.

As your child grows, don't over-protect them and don't do for them what they can do for themselves. Sure they'll get a few bumps along the way but they will grow into a much more confident and secure person.

DO NOT, I repeat, do not read the book "What to Expect in Your First Year". We got that one, as well as "What to Expect When You're Expecting" as gifts. They should be called: "What Are All The Extremely Unlikely, Horrible Things That Could Possibly Go Wrong"

On the other hand, I highly recommend: NurtureShock. It is not specifically about infants but it does have a chapter that discusses the latest research on the downside of the "Baby Einstein" type videos. Also, it is full of advice for every stage of development from baby through adolescence. Sure wish I had it 10 years ago.

Are you swaddling? One of my kids loved it - we used the Miracle Blanket to make it foolproof. The second didn't care and just wanted to be held so we co-slept. Third was the magical unicorn baby that slept for hours at a time right off the bat without special devices.

Also, is your wife nursing/has her milk come in? If baby's only getting colostrum, he may constantly want to nurse to try and get the milk to come in, he may not have enough for a full belly to knock him out.

My husband picked up a few good techniques from The Happiest Baby on the Block. I highly recommend.

This three book series is really great when she’s ready. The first book is for ages 4 & up, but my 8 year old still found it really interesting. It’s very well written and she could read it on her own. They have it in most libraries. The second book is a little more advanced for 7 & up, then the last one is focused on puberty and is for 10 & up.

As the only female in your house, please watch how you and the other boys talk about women in front of her. Regular boy talk can really hurt her self esteem. Make sure the talk is respectful when she’s around so she doesn’t doubt her worth.

I really liked this one. It's super practical and actually funny. The illustrations are great, like from old school men's magazines. Be Prepared by Gary Greenberg et al. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743251547/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_AUPetb1CM32XA

This was the best book my wife and I found: Happiest Baby on the Block
http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1410421839&sr=8-1&keywords=happiest+baby+on+the+block

Also, SwaddleMe pretty much saved our lives:
http://www.amazon.com/Summer-Infant-SwaddleMe-Adjustable-3-Pack/dp/B003JHYDIQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1410421888&sr=8-2&keywords=swaddle+me

As said in this thread, it gets better. We just got through two months and it feels like a hundred years ago we were at 3 weeks.

I found this series of ["Show Me How"] (http://www.amazon.com/Show-Dad-How-Parenting-Magazine/dp/1616281111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526055&sr=8-1&keywords=show+dad+how)
books to be humorous and quite helpful, there's [one for mom] (http://www.amazon.com/Show-Mom-How-Parenting-Magazine/dp/161628112X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526055&sr=8-3&keywords=show+dad+how) too.

Working at a book store I have had several new parents looking for the [Happiest Baby Books] (http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526423&sr=8-1&keywords=happiest+baby+on+the+block) (there's one for toddler's too). The American Pediatric Association also has a [book] (http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Baby-Young-Child/dp/0553393820/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526506&sr=8-1&keywords=caring+for+your+baby+and+young+child+birth+to+age+5) that covers Pre-birth to 5 years. I read a chapter each month to keep me up to speed on the miles stones ahead, my son is 3 now and it was incredibly helpful.

Good luck!

This is such a hugely controversial topic that I hope you don't get the "How could you let your child cry??" responses. But for me personally, I read the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and it helped me tremendously. It explains the science behind the whole concept of sleep training and my soon to be 4 year old daughter has been sleeping great since she was 6 months old. It started off rocky, like you're experiencing and I would literally turn off the monitor and go to the other side of the house so I wouldn't have to hear it. But eventually all the crying started to taper off. She never woke up angry with me. As soon as I saw her smile, I knew that there was no resentment. After a week or so, she'd cry for maybe 5-10 minutes before a nap. Usually at night she wouldn't cry at all. Quickly after that, she started sleeping through the night (once my Dr. said it was ok to drop the middle of the night feeding) because she had learned to put herself to sleep which allowed her to fall back asleep. Since then, we've had very few troubles with sleeping even when we travel or when her schedule gets thrown off. I fully credit sleep training for that. I wish you the very best!

There is a fantastic book https://www.amazon.fr/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 take what you want from it but there are great advices about these issues which are normal ! All the best

The first weeks SUCK. I remember asking my father-in-law (a father of four) how in the world people ever managed to have a second kid.

He said then, "Oh, y'know, you just get through it."

It didn't seem helpful at the time, but it is totally true. You DO get through it. It DOES end. Eventually, you'll be so far past these days, they seem like a dim memory. :)

For tricks that worked for us, check out The Happiest Baby on the Block DVD. There's a book, too, but I sure as heck didn't have the brainspace to read it when we were at 2wks PP. The DVD was a life-saver, though!

There are a ton of them on Amazon, the most popular of which is the "OK to Wake!". It's $29, but for $10 more you can get an upgraded clock by the same company, the Teach Me Time which does all the stuff the OK to Wake! does but also has a real clock on it and will help your kid learn to read the time.

That said, I'm with /u/hadesarrow, a simple timer on a light or even one of those sunlight simulator alarm clocks would be a better investment. After all the cutesy kid alarm clock will be too babyish for them soon, but a real alarm clock with a sunrise simulator light (or plug for a lamp) will be useful forever.

For the parents: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418143809&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+to+kids+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk

I can't recommend this book enough. There is a reason why it is still a best seller. They also have a teen edition as well.


For the kids: http://www.amazon.com/Pout-Pout-Fish-Adventure/dp/0374360979/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418143839&sr=8-1&keywords=pout+pout+fish

There's lots of rhyming, with a cute story, and a good moral at the end. It's one of my favorites that many people don't know about.

It depends on the 8 year old. I wouldn't say specifics of intercourse are inappropriate because it's basic biology. It's science! This book may help you out as well as this one. They offer very frank, honest, and educational information and it also gives your 8 year old something to look through on his own as well as alongside you. They're great teaching tools.

THIS BOOK really helped me out when we had our first. It's beautifully illustrated, full of helpful information, and worded just like a manual which is funny, yet gets right to the point in three easy steps.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You've already gotten a lot of really good advice, I just wanted to add on by directing you to The Care and Keeping of You. The whole series is really good and they talk about a lot of those "lessons" from shaving to tampons to how to deal with friend drama in middle school. My niece found it all really helpful especially because she hit puberty at 9 before all of her friends. Even in an open family there are somethings you're just embarrassed to ask about and these books are directed towards young girls and teaches them how to talk and deal with those things.

My daughter is the same age and very sensitive emotionally, so we've started talking about death because, well, sometimes we step on a bug and it dies and that's sad. She's never encountered the death of a person or animal she has a strong attachment too, though.

There's a lovely book called Lifetimes that is non-scary and easy to understand. It talks about how all living things have a lifetime. Some have short lifetimes and some have long lifetimes. This is not good or bad, it just is. It goes into a lot more detail and talks about feelings when someone/something reaches the end of its lifetime, but really is a lovely book. I haven't read it yet to my daughter, but I use that language to explain death to her when she encounters it (however minor these experiences really are). She seems to accept it, and it has the benefit of not bringing illness or age into the equation.

American Girls makes awesome books for girls about every topic imaginable. The Care and Keeping of You is just what you need. My daughter really liked this book, and has liked all the AG titles I've given her.

When my son began asking questions about sex (around age 4) I read It's Not the Stork to him. We took our time and went through it over the course of about a week. I answered any questions he had as honestly as possible. I didn't volunteer anymore information than what was covered in the book. I found that that was enough for his curiosity, which is totally normal for children to be curious about BTW.

When he was a few years older I started reading the next book in the series with him, It's So Amazing. That book goes into more detail about the science of conceiving and I found it to be a little too mature for him, so we re-read It's Not the Stork as a refresher and I'll wait a year or so to try again with the second one.

Sex is confusing and it's only natural for children to have questions. They need to be told the correct names for their body parts and be aware that sex is only for adults. This will help in protecting them against sexual abuse.

I'm also surprised that you're only now realizing little boys get erections. Of course he enjoys playing with an it, it feels funny in a good way! He needs to know that is completely normal but only to be done in private.

Good luck to you!

edit to fix broken link

TLDR (at bottom) recently switched daycares.

My daughter (3yo, will be 4 in Feb) is just getting out of this phase as we speak. (Literally this week things are getting better.)

The mistake of taking her out of her crib early I think is what started this. When she was in the crib she was a good sleeper throughout the night. We also have a 5 and 2 year old that sleep perfectly.

We have a pretty specific routine/schedule and diet that doesn’t consist of sugar and juices. So we ruled that out early on. Plus no tv or iDevices. However, on the weekends we allow a kid’s movie. And that’s when the night terrors began (OMFG)... thank you Coco and Monsters Inc.

It usually takes 90 minutes to two hours to get her down. And she’d only want my wife and then she’d come in two times in the middle of the night. We don’t allow them to sleep in our bed. However that may be the less of two evils.

We bought door locks for when she wants to be extremely difficult and that worked a little because she sees that as a punishment. However we don’t lock doors overnight or extended periods of time.

She naps well too so there really isn’t anything to change there. I thought we need to take her to the doctor because this shit isn’t normal lol. We also tried kids Zarbee Melatonin... the little girl’s will power was too strong for that.

Soooo..... what has changed!?!?!? The daycare. The previous daycare from two weeks ago was good in its own right. However we felt it didn’t push or really stimulate her. And I would go as far as saying the caregivers/teachers didn’t give her the personal attention or “love” she may have needed. And that’s not specific to my girl.

I'm hopping on the top comment thread to recommend [The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls - American Girl Library] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609580834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_zp6lDbSDNEM48)

It covers a lot of topics, in short chunks. So if you're not sure how to start talking about this stuff, just read a page or two together and ask if she has questions. Do that regularly and you'll have a good open dialog going.

For those who are already talking to their girls, it helps make sure you cover all the topics they need to know. We used it as a supplement to conversation.

This is book 1, designed for ages 8 and up. It does introduce periods. Book 2 is for older girls.

My four-year-old started doing this and he started complaining that he didn't like the dark in this room. But for him that's a stall tactic. Recently we started keeping the lights in the hallway and other close areas on, but explained to him that every time he comes out of his room we will turn off one light. It has worked out very well.


Also: these are awesome. I don't use it anymore, but it was very helpful when my kids were younger for bedrooms, closets, pantries, etc.

http://www.amazon.com/Door-Monkey-Lock-Pinch-Guard/dp/B004ECJWK4

We have What's the Big Secret and my 4.5 year old loves it. There's also It's Not the Stork, though I haven't read that one personally. I have The Care and Keeping of You saved for when she's older...not sure how much it covers where babies come from, though it felt related enough to bring up here :) We just go for honest age-appropriate answers to questions--trying not to give TOO much information and just answering what was asked (which is hard).

Edit to add: We also use proper anatomy terms. She knows she has a vulva, boys have a penis, dads have the sperm, mom has the egg, babies grow in the uterus. She also knows about fallopian tubes and vas deferens, but gets them mixed up, which I find hilarious.

Growing up is all about experiencing new emotions. From the happy smile of a baby, to the scream of frustration in a toddler, the look of disappointment in a pre-teen and the scowl of anxiousness in a teenager. As they grow they continually feel and express new emotions. So, it is difficult to explain an emotion they have not felt yet but what you can do is help them appropriately handle the emotions they are feeling.

This is one of the best parenting books I have seen and it shows a lot of examples of how to help your kids when these new feelings arise. I find myself revisiting it every once in a while when a new situation comes up.

I hope you see this. Check out "The Care and Keeping of You": http://amzn.com/1609580834. It's basically a how-to book for girls, and seems perfect for your situation. Since your daughter is apprehensive about asking other people questions, hopefully this book can answer those for her. Note that there is a sequel for older girls which may be more appropriate for your daughter.

First, I'm sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how tough it must be to lose your mom so suddenly.

In regards to your question, I strongly urge you to be open, honest, and empathetic with your son. Tiptoeing around the issue or using euphemisms is only going to confuse him further, and may even make it more upsetting for him.

A few months ago I had to explain to my (also very verbal) 2-year-old about her father's death. I was very anxious about how to handle it but I did my best to answer all of her questions completely without making it overcomplicated or offering unsolicited details. I also spoke with her daycare teacher so that she was prepared to handle the topic should it come up, and so she knew how I was framing the issue (e.g. please don't tell my kid that her dad is an angel watching over her or anything like that).

Death is a very abstract concept and it definitely took some time before the message got through to my daughter that death was permanent and that her dad was not coming back. For a couple weeks after our initial conversation, she kept springing intense, emotionally-loaded questions on me out of nowhere. Even though it was hard, I wanted her to feel comfortable asking me these types of questions so I made a point of keeping myself composed when I responded. I also occasionally checked in with her to assess how she was processing things, and to see if she had any additional questions (she usually did).

This book might also be helpful: Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children Several people have recommended it to me but I haven't gotten around to buying it yet.

I know Weissbluth recommends earlier bedtimes to make sure they are getting enough sleep (it's easier to put them down earlier than to get them to sleep in, allegedly). It works for us (daughter is two and goes to bed at 7:30, and is up by 7:30) but every parent has to do what works best for their families. I also appreciate having adult time with my husband for a few hours a day, it helps us reconnect and unwind after a stressful day.

Check out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. It focuses on communication and how to get through anger and power struggles to a healthy relationship where both your needs and your kid’s needs are being met. It sounds like you care about this guy a lot. It isn’t easy stepping into the stepdad role for a teenager, and it’s going to require a lot of compromise on both your parts. Thanks for doing your best with him.

There are two things.

First, this clock might help https://www.amazon.com/OK-Wake-Alarm-Clock-Night-Light/dp/B00EAHSBV4 as she doesn't need to tell time to tell when it's OK to wake up. The clock optional though.

Second and most important, when she comes into your room during sleep time, you take her by the hand and without saying one word you walk her back to bed. Don't look at her and don't talk to her. If you do that consistently and warn her ahead of time that's how it will be, eventually she will stop coming into your room for attention she knows she won't get. Explain that she isn't to get out of bed except to go potty or when you wake her up (or her new clock lights up if you purchase that). It's vital that you are consistent with this new rule. Any inconsistency and it will be a failure.

My son came into our room every night for a short while. We tried this and it was huge success. But again, consistency is key. It also takes a bit of patience.

I agree with the above she needs professional help right away. I also suggest you read “How to talk so kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk.” There is also a Teen version you may want to check out. Giving her a “homework time out” isn’t working nor will it ever work. Try working with her to solve problems instead of punishing her for them. ie “I like when the toilet is flushed. What can we do to help remember to flush the toilet?” Make a list with her (let her come up with the first idea. Write it down even if it’s outlandish. If she can’t think of anything then you say something outlandish/funny.) Once you have a list reason with her what the best one is for you both. The book goes into detail about this process.

Congratulations! I found Dr. Sears to be pretty helpful. Also, the Baby Owners Manual for the mechanics of year 1.

Edit: corrected url. Also, it's okay for her to have a beer or 1/2 glass of wine now and then, especially after 20 weeks.

Maybe not what you are looking for exactly but another good one:

It's Perfectly Normal
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0763668729/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Kids need consistency and love a schedule. You (not your son) need to set the time and stick with it. We did the let them cry method, but there are other methods as well if it's too hard to deal with.

re: the 5.30 wakings. if you can, let him cry until it's the time you want him to get up. he'll eventually get the picture that he isn't supposed to be up or at least be quieter. This can take a week or two which is hellish, but just keep an eye on the prize.


Lastly, for my wife and I the book Healthy sleep habits happy child has been huge. It has a lot of excellent advice on how/when to alter sleep patterns depending on what age/problem they are experiencing, and different methods to deal with them.

Sorry your going through this but with that said my daughter never slept more than a hour or two at a time until she was about 4 months old. Usually her pattern was sleep a hour then up a hour all during the day and then at night she sleep a hour from 9-10 and be up from 10pm-1am and then sleep 1am-3am and then start the up a hour and then sleep a hour. It was pure hell. Some babies just don't sleep well. Mine also wouldn't sleep unless held while I sat up or in a rock n play(id try one of these in your case it could Possibly help). she hated the bassinet and crib with a passion. Luckily I didn't have another child to deal with since she's my first and only. I also would go downstairs with her at night so the hubby could sleep and I'd sleep when he was done with work from 4pm-10pm because that was the only time I could get sleep! Also don't stress too much it will get better like I said 4 months was our turning point and by 10 months she was sleeping 7pm-7am without waking and still does at almost 2! I'd also work with the older child to stay in their room until at least 6am so you can all get sleep. They make special clocks that tell children when it's time to wake maybe get one for the older toddler! Here's a link to one of your interested https://www.amazon.com/OK-Wake-Alarm-Clock-Night-Light/dp/B00EAHSBV4

There are age appropriate ways for kids to learn this stuff. The first thing I always do when I'm caught off guard is to ask, "How do you think you were made?" I just turn it around to see where they are at...and why they might be asking. (Obviously this is a comedy thing played for the laugh, but you wouldn't believe how similar some other stories of 'my kid asked' are to this exact thing.)

A book like this: It's Not the Stork! would also help with future explanations.

We used these with great success.

I might stray away from the rubbery ones only because real food encourages chewing, and standard pacifiers don't deal well with chewing...

Your attitude might be apparent in the way that you help. Take some pride in being an involved daddy, get a book on sleep training (seriously get the Ferber book, http://www.amazon.com/Solve-Your-Childs-Sleep-Problems/dp/0743201639) and tell your wife she needs to be okay with accepting help.

Twin parent here too, with kids around the same age. This book was incredibly helpful for us in reframing how we communicate. They’ll clean up their toys now, brush their teeth, get dressed, etc. without it being a hassle. I hope it helps you too.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_ErgZCbF1850NS

I'm sure you're getting great advice. I just wanted to put forward a book suggestion that helped my family immensely. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.

Hilarious! Incidentally, my 5yo loves this book:
It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends (The Family Library) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0763633313/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_xmkDzbY7B2YQK

This is exactly what child and family therapists specialize in- helping kids and families work through emotional issues, break bad connections, and rebuild healthy patterns. Many families with such unhealthy habits vilify therapy (mine did), so it can feel so strange to take your kid (or sibling) in to work with a therapist. It can make such huge differences in their lives, though, and the earlier the better. This is also a huge transition in your life- parenting a child with average behaviors is stressful, so parenting a child with your borther's needs is going to be a long, tough road. You need support, and a therapist could likely help you break down some of the things from your own childhood that will make parenting harder.

If you want to lay the groundwork so he at least begins to understand death, from a 'death is natural for all living creatures' perspective, not a religious or philosophical one, the book Lifetimes does a beautiful job of that.

I really hope you are able to get the support you both need. Your brother is so very fortunate to have you, but there's just no way for him to understand that for a good long time. I appreciate what you are doing.

Get the nose Frida (Baby Nasal Aspirator NoseFrida the Snotsucker by Fridababy – Baby Shower Gift and Registry essential https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00171WXII/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_3Q05CbZXD24ES).

Absolute game changer. I've used it for two kids now and it's change our lives. Really helps with eliminating post nasal drip and subsequent coughs from that. Kids don't like it much but oh well. It gets the job done and they are booger free. Just gotta hold the little tikes down a little bit.

Excellent advice from people here. I'd also suggest that you and mom both take a parenting class. Kids are baffling for experienced adults. A good parenting class is extremely helpful for a new parent. Oh, also this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Be-Prepared-Gary-Greenberg/dp/0743251547?sa-no-redirect=1

Oh Crap! Potty Training worked well for me, though my daughter was younger. That said, the book very explicitly addresses many of the things you brought up:

It is very adamant that you not use pull ups, since as far as the kid is concerned they are just diapers.

Do not just "wait" for the kid to come around. You gotta be active. The book has a really great plan that worked for us. About 2-3 weeks total to go from not using the potty at all to having almost no accidents. She's been solid since.

You shouldn't over prompt (every 30 min is probably too much) or put that much pressure on the kid.

No rewards.

Etc.

Honestly, I skimmed much of the book, but it's definitely worth the price and a quick read over.

I highly recommend The Happiest Baby On The Block. It will be invaluable during the first three months or so, which are some of the toughest.

Also, echoing what others have said, a lot of things will work themselves out. It's not rocket science, and it's pretty easy to learn as you go. It's the hours that are hell. :-)

HOWEVER, that being said, don't let stereotypes, movies, and other parents scare you. They will sleep through the night eventually, and you will get to the point where you can resume normal life activities such as going out to eat. It might not be as relaxed as it once was, but it will still be great.

This is the best book I think:

Its Perfectly Normal

The Robie Harris books are awesome. There’s one for younger kids (kindergarten-grade 2 or so,)one for slightly older kids, and one for preteens. My kids love them.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0763668729/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_0763668729

There is a top rated series that has been around for years and is constantly updated:

https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Not-Stork-Families-Friends/dp/0763633313

https://www.amazon.ca/Its-So-Amazing-Babies-Families/dp/0763668745/ref=pd_aw_fbt_img_2/136-1458463-9877260?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0763668745&pd_rd_r=1276f820-7e54-11e9-a800-798d64934000&pd_rd_w=yWMmI&pd_rd_wg=VeLzc&pf_rd_p=318fc841-c654-436b-9e98-a4e2694ba626&pf_rd_r=MCSQGCMT881D674448T7&psc=1&refRID=MCSQGCMT881D674448T7

https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763668729/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2/136-1458463-9877260?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0763668729&pd_rd_r=8806a471-7e54-11e9-b06b-1967775fe31c&pd_rd_w=MRz2Z&pd_rd_wg=eITPH&pf_rd_p=318fc841-c654-436b-9e98-a4e2694ba626&pf_rd_r=HN5SAZ8QJYDZZ0CAPQJJ&psc=1&refRID=HN5SAZ8QJYDZZ0CAPQJJ

Each book is aimed at a different age group - the title “Its Perfectly Normal” is aimed at ages 10 and up.

My son is only 6 weeks old but I already have the series of books on our shelves. He’s got a long way to go before these conversations start, but I loaned them all to my sister to read with my 7-10 year old niece and nephew and they thoroughly enjoyed them and the conversations and questions that followed.

If you're going to sleep train, buy/borrow the book. It's not "the Ferber method" unless you follow the instructions as they are laid out. Only the first few chapters are relevant to infants without sleep disorders, so you don't need to worry about reading all 300+ pages. What you're doing now is winging it and sending mixed messages, which will prolong the process for everyone.

Good luck - sleep issues are, hands down, one of hardest parts about the infant stage.

Check out r/sleeptrain if you have decided to go in that direction and need additional support.

Boy, that's rough.

In our house we hold the line on getting out of bed or TV at night. Night time is for sleeping, period, no exceptions. I suspect he's more likely to try to stay awake if he knows doing something fun is an option.

Another thing that helped us, and might help you with nighttime wakings, was figuring out that our daughter had a really hard time understanding when it was morning/OK for her to get up. We blacked out her room because the slightest hint of sunlight made it impossible for her to sleep (which was rough in the summer when it was still light at bedtime and got bright before she ought to be waking). I mean, total blackout - we covered her windows with tin foil and covered that with blackout curtains. Then we gave her a clock similar to this one that lights up green when it's OK for her to get up in the morning. Overnight it made a huge difference.

We like this for inside doors- http://www.amazon.com/Door-Monkey-Childproof-Pinch-Guard/dp/B004ECJWK4. We keep our doors to the outside locked at all times.... our kiddo hasn't figured out the locks yet.

Good luck!!

I have two books to recommend which might help, although our daughter is only 6 and had many of the explosive/destructive bursts that you describe (they are greatly improved now).


Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child, Revised and Expanded 2nd Edition: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

Reading and implementing the techniques in this book recently stopped almost all of the behaviors that we were going crazy over. Our daughter was getting more and more abusive with name-calling, hitting, breaking things, etc and after reading this book and implementing the techniques, it is 95% gone. When it still happens, we now feel like we have tools to deal with it calmly but firmly.

The Explosive Child

This book focuses on preventing explosions and managing explosions proactively/in the moment. It focuses as well on the type of child that acts out in this way, and how to deal with it. A co-worker recommended this book to me after dealing with his son's explosive outbursts. His son's therapist recommended it to him.

Our daughter also showed little remorse for things like pushing her brother down the stairs, hitting him in the face, breaking doors, etc. One of the biggest realizations to me was that my wife and I were being permissive in our parenting approach, and the lack of firm consequences was causing our daughter to act out more. The Setting Limits book describes the three parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive, mixed) quite articulately.

It's Not the Stork!https://www.amazon.com/dp/0763633313/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rEf1Cb4XK34AZ
This book may help you to explain better. It’s age appropriate. There are 3 books in the series so they can help later down the line the older she gets.

Get a good comprehensive book, like this,

read through it, flag the things you want to make sure he understands. Talk about those things, then leave the book on the family bookshelf and let him know if he ever wants to read it, he can.