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First, forget your preconceptions:

> tantra is another balancing quest, just one that is a little more sexually oriented. ... it is not about the poise or libido, it is about the balance of breath and energy.

>I am well aware of my vibratory position

This is the sort of thing that makes me despair of western New Age spiritualism and its ongoing attempts to sell a fake, cotton candy version of tantra. Most of the ideas you are referencing here can be traced back to 19th century European mysticism, not to Asian religions, and especially not to Tantra. Even the most basic elements, like chakras, were words borrowed from the East, given totally different meanings in the West, and then exported back to Asia in an unrecognizable form.

I don't blame you for the misconceptions, but no matter what you have been told, Tantra is NOT just another flavor of Western mysticism in Eastern clothing.

If Tantra means anything different from some goofy crystal-brained Californified gurus selling you nirvana on the installment plan – and it does – it is a muscular, no-nonsense application of a pragmatic problem-solving philosophy to this world.

Tantra is not only NOT a flavor of woo-woo mysticism. It is an an outright rejection of mysticism in general and of all of the fundamental ideas of New Age spiritualism in particular.

It begins with the acceptance – or, perhaps more appropriately, the non-rejection – of the self:

> There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you.

> You are just fine—just as you are. That is tantra’s main claim about the self.

> “Ego” is not evil. It is not a spiritual problem.

> No upgrade required

> You do not need to:

> + fix your self
> + improve your self
> + get rid of your self
> + see through the illusion of your self
> + transcend your self
> + transform your self
> + analyze or understand your self

> Tantra is about living here and now. Whatever self you do or don’t have—you are how you are, now. Waiting to get fixed before living is not helpful.

> You cannot, and do not need to:

> + find your True Self
> + get in touch with your higher self [much less your guardian angel]
> + awaken the Buddha Within
> + unify your little self with the cosmic All-Self

> These are just fantasies. They are imaginary ideals that spiritual people try to live up to. All they will ever do is make you feel inadequate and miserable.

(from Your self is not a spiritual obstacle)

And Tantra continues with the non-rejection of reality:

> Spirituality tries to sell you the idea that everything will be peachy-keen forever, if only you apply an all-purpose spiritual solution. Somehow, that is supposed to solve all practical problems, as well as the big hairy cosmic one.

> Tantra thinks that’s twaddle.

> Spirituality claims that the mundane world is total garbage. There’s nothing worth having here; it causes nothing but misery in the long run. You should abandon it.

> Spirituality claims there’s some kind of heaven, or nirvana, or transcendent reality, or domain of emptiness, that is all-good. You should move on to that spiritual plane. That’s salvation. That’s the solution to everything.

> Tantra is about this everyday, concrete world, just as it appears. It is not interested in escapist fantasies about Neverland.

> This world is where we are. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with it. It’s real, it’s workable, it’s enjoyable, and it needs our help.

(from Tantra is anti-spiritual)

If you want to DO Tantra, and not just play pretend Tantra or study the myriad traditional forms of historical Tantra, you need to first forget everything you think you know about Tantra, especially in terms of spirituality and spiritual energy. Because...

> + Tantra is not nice
> + Tantra is not secret
> + Tantra is not compatible with Sutra (mainstream Buddhism)
> + Tantra is not intellectual
> + Tantra is not spiritual
> + Tantra is not mystical
> + Tantra is not a bunch of rituals
> + Tantra is not esoteric Mahayana
> + Tantra is not Tibetan Buddhism (nor vice versa)
> + Tantra is not traditional
> + Tantra is not superstition
> + Tantra is not for monks
> + Tantra is/not all about sex
> + Tantra is not safe
> + Tantra is not all that dangerous

(from Tantric denials)

A tantra is a ritual, formula, recipe, or algorithm for achieving a specific goal. It is a discrete expression of technos, or "know-how." To be valid, it must survive an empirical test: does it work?

Historically, there have been many false tantras, including elaborate spells, black magic rituals, prayers for rain or victory, and mystical rites for achieving perfect health and immortality. Empirically, these are dead ends. There will always be people attracted to magical claims, but they never pan out. Instructions for manipulating spiritual energy or aligning your chakras or tuning your spiritual vibrations may give you a feeling of religious superiority, but they repeatedly fail any sort of real-world pragmatic test of efficacy, so they are not tantric.

On the other hand, any decent cookbook contains dozens of tantras that work. Any engineering, physics, or chemistry handbook, or do-it-yourself handyman guide is filled with tantras that work.

Youtube is full of tantras, for everything from crochet to carpentry, from arc welding to playing exotic instruments. Some are better than others. A set of step-by-step instructions for vipassana (aka mindfulness meditation) is a tantra, and we would consider it a valid tantra if most people, following those instructions, achieve the specified results.

However, Tantra itself is much more than just a collection of tantras, of rituals and formulas. It is a stance toward life, one of robust, even heroic, engagement with the REAL. It is science, technology, and craftsmanship done with intelligence, passion, and integrity, but it is also a clear-eyed and non-dogmatic approach to social, cultural, and personal experimentation and a passion for finding ways to make ordinary life better.

> just one that is a little more sexually oriented

If you want better sex, there are tantras for better sex. I wrote an extended handbook on the subject. But for real success you need to have a partner to whom you are deeply committed, and vice versa.

If you want a better understanding of Tantra in general, this is a good place to start: Introduction to Tantra : The Transformation of Desire by Lama Thubten Yeshe. After that, or along with it, I recommend David Chapman's online book Meaningness and his blog Vividness. (It's a blog, so the articles are in reverse order. Read from the bottom up and use the date index at the right to find the next page.)

Enjoy the voyage!!

TL;DR: RUN, don't walk, away from this man.


The issue that you need to focus on is not about tantra, it is not about non-monogamy. It is about you needing to be in an emotionally and physically safe relationship that supports your growth.


This guy is an asshole. The sexual issues and his active alcoholism are ways for him to string you along into helping him. Yes, his mother died, and that's a terrible thing, but it is not your cross to bear. Especially with all of this coworker bullshit going on.


He doesn't sound like he's able to be in a healthy non-monogamous relationship, given his lack of communication with you about "wanting snuggles" before telling you this other woman was coming over. That was also pretty mean of him to do to you.


Rule #1 with non-monogamy is to communicate. Rule #2 is to respect your partner. He's doing neither of those things.


He needs therapy, not non-monogamy, and not certainly not tantric sex with you.


Re: developing a tantric practice with someone you're in a non-monogamous relationship with? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be, however if it is possible, the relationship must be healthy and safe.


That's not at all what's happening here. Tantric sex will put you in a more emotionally vulnerable position with him. You will be on the hook for more of his toxic bullshit. He will be able to manipulate you more than he's doing now.


Given what you've written about what's happening now, neither tantra nor non-monogamy sound emotionally safe and I think it would lead to damaging yourself emotionally if you were to do so.


I know you want to help him, and that you're in love with him, however you need to focus on being good to yourself. You deserve to be with someone who loves, respects and communicates with you. This guy is not at all that. He's a spineless asshole who's trying to manipulate you.


Get yourself the support you need to untangle yourself from this relationship so you can move forward in creating a beautiful life for yourself.



YOU DO NOT DESERVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE THIS



Want more info?:
Check out r/nonmonogamy



Read: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton. It's an excellent guide for navigating relationships of all kinds.

edit: formatting

In the Vijnanabhairava Tantra, only a single sloka of 163 deals with sexual union. Sex itself isn't what is supposed to be emphasized in Tantric philosophy, rather, it is conscious observance of the bliss that comes about from sexual union. An ardent practitioner develops the dharana (one pointed concentration) to be able to recapture the entirety of sexual bliss from the mere memory of a sexual encounter.

Sloka 70 reads:
>O Queen of Gods, the bliss of woman is attained even in the absence of shakti. By fully remembering and absorbing the mind in the experience of kissing, hugging and embracing, the bliss swells.

A few years ago, I read a book called Tantric Sex For Men, being curious about the application of Tantric and Yogic ideas in sexual situations. It was pretty much just few pages giving a very basic summary of consciousness-based love, with the rest being a bunch of sex positions interspersed with completely random Osho (Rajneesh) quotes, which I found extremely distasteful, considering he was more of a cult-leader than a guru, and has more or less hijacked the West's interpretation of what Tantra actually is. Sadly, the book I read is a common finding in Western publications, which seem to draw more from New Age ideaologies and watered down pseudo-Hinduism, and rarely even mention scriptural references for their claims of historicity. I get that Tantra is all about open-mindedness and using whatever works to achieve liberation. It is, however, reprehensible to represent oneself as an expert of Tantra and not provide readers a single reference to the original manuscripts.

Reading the bibliographies of many Western Tantric publications indicates that the authors all borrow their half-baked, gringo-ized ideaologies from each other, or simply think that Osho's racial association with the homeland of Tantra is enough to lend their work a legitimate flair. All you can do is laugh.

TL;DR
Sex and spirituality sell, even better when they're in the same package. Osho is a fallback for authors to give legitimacy to the use of the word 'tantra' in their books, even when said books make it clear the author has a most superficial understanding of the subject. Many folks don't question what they read, and accept these misled words as ancient knowledge. The readers go on to completely misrepresent the topic when discussing it with their social circles, and that's why the common American thinks Tantra is some light hearted exotic Hindu sex cult.

This probably isn't the place to get the best answers for this sort of inquiry. But I'll give you my perspective in brief:

Regardless of whether there is a mutual attraction, there's a huge breach of ethics for a practitioner to engage in a relationship with clients aside from/outside of their practice. It's also important to have clear communication around it, in case there is any ambiguity.

My instructors said that their school insists on waiting a year from the last session before attempting a relationship with the client.

The reasons it's problematic are multifaceted, but include things such as dynamics of power and money. There's also the subject of the reason you went to get massage in the first place.

Ultimately, there aren't any police for this sort of thing, though. I think the best option is to have a candid conversation, and if a relationship were to happen, be aware of the dynamics that might create problems.

I'm sure there is a lot of literature on the subject, but one of my favorites is The Educated Heart: Professional Boundaries for Massage Therapists and Bodyworkers

Edit: Sorry there's no Tantric perspective offered.

A book that will allow to you to take a step back on what you always thought about sex and orgasm.

Link to Amazon

I see you are a part of Nofap, stay strong brother :)

I'm trying to figure out how much energy I can put into this project. Briefly, these are the books I'm recommending now, in this order:

Journey To Ixtlan

Only One Sky

Tantra Spirituality and Sex

Masturbation, Tantra, and Self Love. You'll have to get this one used; I think it's out of print.

Please do not buy This Book Ostensibly by Osho. It is merely a repacking of the above-referenced Tantric Spirituality and Sex with a different cover for triple the price.

I don't have time to write up notes on all of this…I'm going to have to do that later.

Challenging yourself not to orgasm, IMHO, misses the point.

You're only going to get there by reading, studying, and practicing the exercises in books like Only One Sky. That's what will prepare you for becoming able to take in and sustain much higher levels and energy, whether practicing alone and making deeper connections with the planet and such, or practicing with a partner sexually.

If you can find this book, http://www.amazon.com/Tantra-Illuminated-Hareesh-Wallis/dp/193710401X , it's one of the best complete texts on the history, philosophy, and practices of Tantra.

This is a Great Book on Tantra

Sex, Tantra and Transcendence (English Edition)
https://www.amazon.de/dp/B01M2DK9WW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_-rt0AbZB5FAFW