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Hey there!

I saw your post a month or so ago and meant to respond but have had a rather full schedule. Better late than never, right? Thanks for sharing as much as you have; it seems like you really do want to turn things around and simply need to be advised which direction to go in.

RE: thewayipray's comment

First, let me address the previous comments, which seem to be based mainly on emotion and personal experience without much regard for logical or scientific reasoning. The first Redditor provides some good advice (and a bit that I disagree with).

Point #1

Exercise is necessary, but running is not the best choice starting out- especially if you've had trouble sticking to exercise in the past. In fact, exercise is not the first thing you should focus on.

If you want to lose weight, all you have to do is eat less calories than you expend. Exercise "burns" less calories than most people think; the majority of weight loss comes from proper nutrition.

Once you start eating right and can consistently do so for about a month, slowly phase in some exercise that gets your heart pumping. I am well aware of the fact that this can all be A LOT to apply at once and that nutrition and exercise are a necessary evil for people instead of a fun hobby.

With that in mind, I'd recommend throwing away any other fitness advice you've been given and follow the advice from Aniela and Jerzy Gregorak, former olympic weightlifters that have trained the young, the middle aged, the old and even people with physical disorders to do AMAZING things.

Their book, the Happy Body is the best program you will find for someone just venturing into nutrition and exercise.

Points #2 & #3

As far as this Redditor's points #2 and #3, I have not read the book or watched the video so I can not comment on either of those specifically. However, I have heard that the book has helped many people.

What I will say is that you should focus on improving yourself and overcoming your anxieties before you can hope to find a healthy relationship with someone else. If you don't know and understand yourself, how will you connect deeply with someone else?

Point #4

On to point 4, I agree with the suggestion to attempt some form of meditation. Further, the Take 10 meditation from Headspace is what I personally used to get into meditation. As to your question: religion does not factor into the practice of meditation AT ALL. You can (and the Take 10 program is) completely secular and devoid of any "woo."

Scientific studies have suggested meditation helps with stress, focus, cardiovascular health and more.

RE: shunny14's comment

The second Redditor doesn't provide much good advice aside from echoing the sentiments of the first regarding the benefits of meditation. As I noted before, you need to work on yourself to some extent before pushing into the dating world.

How I went from 12hr/ day to 10 minutes/ week on electronics

The only thing I'd like to add (as opposed to the clarifications I posted above) is that it seems that the two things you wish to work on come down to cutting out some electronic media out of your "entertainment diet." I used to struggle with it extensively (8-12+ hours daily) and now am at a point where I go weeks where I cumulatively watch maybe 5-10 minutes of video- so I have some experience with this.

I won't go into the science, though there is MUCH on understanding habits (such as the phenomenal book by Duhigg) and porn addiction). There is more, but I think I've provided enough and can substantiate what I'm about to say if need be.

Because television (internet television show and movie streaming platforms specifically) was so difficult a crutch to stop leaning on, I ended up cancelling my subscriptions ENTIRELY. No Netflix, no Amazon, etc. What about video games? Since I also could not control myself with those, I sold the ones I most enjoyed to GameStop.

THE NEXT STEP IS CRUCIAL: I found other more productive or gratifying activities to replace these unproductive, energy sapping, time sucking activities That includes things like reading, radio-control collective pitch helicopters (not mall heli's... ones that can do this: fast-forward to 2:40), and bonsai trees.

It's absolutely important you replace one activity with another that you enjoy, or you'll feel cheated and likely revert back to your previous interests. Again, I can go into a LOT of depth here, but I won't.

I hope this helps and please let me know if you'd like any further clarification :)

Hey man, I feel you. I've just gone through a pretty brutal past two years (4 years if we want to be really honest), and am getting back on the "get out there and enjoy life" horse. It should be easy, but it ain't.

First thing you gotta do is recognize that it's going to be easier to make smaller changes that gradually expand your comfort zone than it is to just try to jump in the deep end of the pool. The great thing is that you have a whole summer holiday to work your way to that deep end.

You need hobbies that get you out of the house, or that you can do just as easily out in public. Drawing, photography, jogging, kiting, writing, history (tours and museums), dancing, etc. There's a lot of awesome things that you can engage in out in the world. Like music? Discover your local music scene. Like wine? Find a wine tasting group or go tour some wineries.

No one to go on adventures with you? Then go alone. There's nothing wrong with eating at a restaurant bar or table for one. There's no reason you can't hit a coffeeshop and watch some videos while sipping on an americano. No one cares if your by yourself at the movies; at least you're not loudly talking to your buds like a douche asshole.

So my advice right now is to go out and do things on your own. Don't even worry about talking with people or being more sociable. Just get outside of your house and do things. Get used to that.

After you're used to being out in public on your own, find yourself a copy of The Fine Art of Small Talk and read it. Then start putting that into practice. I've gotten about halfway through and it's got some good tactics in there.

Don't even worry about dating right now. Just focus on getting comfortable being out and on your own. When you're comfortable in your own skin, you'll be better company for those friends who are too "busy" to hang out with you now.

Be warned, this will be very long, however i wanted to share my experiences up to this point and some ideas on what you could do. I hope this does help you, and anyone else whom is reading.

Definitely join clubs. you may want to look into Student Government since it's a great way to meat people and get involved with your school. Also, if you have a Student Center, hang out there often. If you're commuting, make sure you get to school probably an hour or two early. Also, perhaps a Cafe would be a good idea as well. One issue that I have is that there isn't a whole lot of recreational clubs in College, or Community college for that matter. Find something that can pertain to your field. Aside from College, when i'm usually at Comic Con's, I will see advertisements for a few groups that meet up occasionally. You may also want to try the whole Speed dating thing I mentioned earlier that is usually held at Comic Con... just be warned there will be a few interesting characters however.

You may also want to check in with any Mom and pop cafe's if you have any near you. They may host events. There's one down the street from where I live that does a Chess night which i'm interested in. You're also going to need to set goals. My goal for now is to try to get a girlfriend before my 20th Birthday, and that's only 6 months away, but it will hopefully motivate myself to work very very hard. People say that the moment you "stop caring" or "stop trying" is the moment you find a girlfriend. Even though I have no experience with women beyond asking them out and being rejected unfortunately, you do have to try. What's helped me is to think of dating as if you would look for a job. You can't put all your eggs in one basket. You can't focus on only one employer to hire you, as much as you can't focus on only one girl to go out with you. Dating is very much so a numbers game. Luck does seem to play a part.

I've gone from shaking like crazy at the thought of talking to a girl, I always rationalized myself out of approaching women. I trained myself to be a bit more "brave" I guess you could call it. At first i just started complimenting girls weather it be customers at my job, peers, anyone, and at first i was extremely nervous with that whole idea. I even tried rationalizing not to even tell a girl that I like her eyes, or her hair, or her clothes, but eventually I got myself to a point where I don't feel excruciatingly nervous when talking to a girl. I still feel awkward at times when I give out a compliment, but I usually leave with some feelings of satisfaction. Another thing I really started doing is cold approaching. Now instead of just complimenting someone, I tried to strike up a conversation.

Now it didn't go too bad, but it didn't end great but I feel as though it did prepare me for other things in some level. Over the last year and a half, or even perhaps the last 4 years, I've asked out over 30 girls. None of which were interested in me, many of which rejected me on the spot, others which led me on and used me quite a lot. One thing you should be aware of is that, you're not going to leave this unscathed. You're going to have some baggage accumulated over the years, and you're going to be fighting a lot to not feel burnt out, to not become bitter, to not become resentful. It's going to be hard work trying to stay positive, especially when it's a lot easier to give the world the middle finger and sit in front of your computer, but I hope for your sake, and mine that we'll get out of this hell of which we call Forever alone and I fucking hope this will be all worth it.

EDIT: You may also want to look at these resources as they have helped me to a degree:

Books:

No More MR Nice guy

How to win friends and influence people

Websites/Blogs:

Shakedown Lab

Nick Notas

Youtube:

Stephan Erdman; Dating Coach

Simple Pickup

Taking a walk sounds like good advice.

I recently was reading Noah Kagan's advice on what to do when you don't know what to do next and really liked it.

In addition to this, a life coach recently encouraged me to write about the three people I admire most; what work they did I thought was interesting, what personality traits, etc. Doing that was surprising and revealing to me, especially when I tried to do it with my emotions instead of my mind.

I think it's really great that you are wanting change. Best wishes. :)

Edit: James Altucher's book Choose Yourself is good, and $0.99; he also has good ideas about what to do when in that frame of mind.

Nice man, you really blasted through that book with speed. I like your review and agree mostly with it, especially about the porn issue. I know it talked about "your partner" a lot, but I didn't think this was a bad thing. For me, it was more changing my thought process because I knew if I ever did get in a relationship, that's how I would've acted. Changing my thought process away from that would be helpful not just in a relationship, but in all aspects of life.

I think your conclusions listed there are exactly what you needed to take away from the book.

Now for step 2, I recommend How to Talk to Anyone or How to Win Friends and Influence People. Either one is solid. A lot of the content is common sense or not applicable, but I'd say a third of it I apply now and have internalized in daily conversation. And sometimes, it's just good to review the fundamentals. You can probably get through the book in two days, I imagine. ..And then, Step 3 is when the fun begins.

> The only thing i could do would be to try online dating

Try it! I've had three dates, and the woman I met for the third date wants another one. Sure, it's not much, but it's three more actual dates than I had previously :P

> and there i have no idea what to say to the girls. I'm horrible at all internet conversations, they always end right away since none of us has anything to say.

Questions. People love to talk about themselves, and they like that you're interested. And if they happen to have an interest or experience similar to yours, you can go "Oh, cool, I also [blah blah blah]".

In another thread there was a discussion about which books to read. How to Talk to Anyone is a good one, but the super-duper bedrock basement thing I'd emphasizes is to be curious.

Questions are good because people want to feel like you're interested in them. The big mistake people make is that they get nervous that they have nothing cute or smart or impressive to say, but you don't need to have amazing anecdotes of shark-wrestling or perfectly-delivered quips to be a good conversationalist. Those might not hurt, but ultimately, you want to find out more about the person you're talking to. Not just to demonstrate that you're a good listener, but because you don't want to be stuck with someone it turns out is awful :P If you don't ask questions, you'll never find out if that cute girl likes hiking and volunteering at the animal shelter, or if she's a member of an apocalyptic aryan brotherhood offshoot cult that's waiting for the End Times Race War.

--

Unless the End Times Race War cult is your thing, in which case imagine losing out on that girl because you never got to know her! ;)

1. Don't mention when you lost your virginity, hehe.
   
2. If you haven't read it, consider reading How to Talk to Anyone.
   
3. Treat it like a science experiment. Every time you talk to a girl, try something in particular. Try it on a few girls. Note whether it works or not, and if it doesn't, then remember that and adjust your approach.
   
   Note: I've only just started the book, but so far I'm already liking the tips and insights it's providing me. I'm practicing my smile timing constantly now.
   
   Also, take my advice with a grain of salt, it's not like I have huge success with women, but these are the steps I'm taking to try to improve.

Just posted this elsewhere but http://www.amazon.com/Rewire-Your-Brain-Think-Better/dp/0470487291. A lifetime of reading self-help and this is hands down the best. Not all rah-rah motivational, just straight up instructions of empirically verified methods. Not entirely focused on just the thinking process directly, but also what habits to cultivate to promote positive thinking. Seriously, I cannot recommend this book enough.

This is good stuff. For similar advice, I highly recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

It was an eye-opener for me. It's helping me a lot to be a better, stronger man.

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie should be MANDATORY reading, and I'm surprised to not see it on this list.

That's a really good one. I also read How to talk to anyone which is along the same lines.

The book that started my FA awareness and journey of self improvement was No more mr nice guy

Grab a Nokia 520 for like $50 on Amazon. It's a basic but solid smart phone.

http://www.amazon.com/Nokia-Lumia-520-GoPhone-AT/dp/B00E45043A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414451972&sr=8-1&keywords=nokia+520

Congratulations! Honestly my favorite part of your story was actually your false perception:

>A few days ago at a concert, I asked her what her first impression of me was, and she said that I was cuter in person. I was shocked, and told her she looked disappointed when she met me. She said she was worried I would be disappointed. It just goes to show how negative thinking can ruin opportunities.

Personally I think you're made greater progress changing your way of thinking than actually getting laid. A forever alone-r would have taken one look, or one sigh, or one failed joke and use it to justify that they are wholly unattractive to the opposite sex.

As far as lasting 30 seconds, you shouldn't worry about it too much. You didn't fap for 4 days, it was your first time, and you had 4 hours of foreplay and a bj beforehand. Right now I'm reading How to Make Love All Night, a book which will allegedly make you last as long as you want in bed. I'm about halfway through it and doing the exercises. I don't feel like it's helped, but I'm still holding out hope.

One strategy that I found works decent for me is to masturbate as many times on a day when you have a date. That way when you finally get back to a bedroom, your penis has already ejaculated 4 times that day and isn't really too eager to come again. The number of times you should jack off depends on your libido, so experiment.

> You know, my first instinct was to say "fuck that noise, you need to do stuff that isn't in sausage-fest-ville,"

To be honest, most of my hobbies aren't so much in sausage-fest-ville but instead in all-by-myself-opolis.

>Also, by choosing what you're doing carefully, you can select for potential partners that are the kind of people you're interested in.

That's been my reasoning for a while now. Hasn't played out, but I honestly haven't been serious about dating until recently. I didn't want distractions in grad school.

>I basically had a really shit experience in school with math. Shitty teachers, ADD, and parents who are shitty at helping me with homework all pretty much ruined math for me. While my English skills were pegging the meter by junior high, I'm still barely able to take the lowest-level algebra class at my community college.

The thing to remember is that high school and low-level college math class resemble actual mathematics in roughly the same way spelling resembles literature. This isn't meant to be discouraging. You could easily study literature without being able to spell "sesquicentennial." Similarly, it might come in handy to know what a polynomial is, but actually factoring a given polynomial is something I only do when teaching students. (Who will in turn never use that skill again. The circle of bullshit.)

Actual mathematics is a very diverse field of study, but probably the friendliest place to start is, as mentioned above, graph theory. Graph theory is the study of the properties of networks of interconnected nodes. Think computer networks. My introduction to the subject was actually this neat book on chess problems.

If you wanted to get more into math that looks like high school math, Numberphile is a good place to start, like /u/drs43821 mentioned.

>But I feel like I'm so far behind that there's just no catching up.

I know a guy with a PhD in math who failed calculus three times. There is no such thing as too far behind.

Do you read books? If not, start. Start with this book https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Disclaimer: I'm still on the journey but making small steps into the right direction and slowly start to see successes, i.e. mainly gains from the gym (4 kg up in 4 months, I'm underweight) and I get first dates (with my first second date about to happen soon :D) and slowly become less anxious.

Cutting out gaming alone won't do the trick, if you want to procrastinate you will find a way. Even if it is cleaning your apartment or room or whatever.

What I think I'm qualified to give advice on though is physical fitness:

Here is what I did: I've always been skinny and hated any kind of physical exertion and obviously dreaded PE class in school. Additionally I was bullied mostly by athletic guys which made me hate sports even more. And of course I didn't want to think about my body because of my weak body image.

At some point in school I just couldn't handle the mental pressure anymore. And became sort of addicted to exercise. Initially I had to force myself. Here's how I started:

I began by establishing a running routine: 3 km every 2 days. It was terrible. Headaches, joint pains, etc. But after about 2-3 months I began to notice improvements with my endurance. And eventually the headaches began to vanish completely and running became a joy. Then I got into weight training. I soon managed to build some muscle and my strength and happiness improved. I then moved away for university for an excessively difficult degree thus had to drop my exercise routine.

Long story short: I couldn't stand the pressure, dropped out, hit rock bottom, Got into a different university again last year and found out that I have to resolve my issues if I want to amount to anything in life.

In late January this year I became so incredibly frustrated that I just got back into the gym. Always pumping iron while blasting some quality music by Hatebreed. I now have gains again and am less angry, which really ups my motivation.

In March I also began to take a painfully close look at the roots of my personality. From what I can tell you are a Nice Guy. Mind the capital letters.

What I would recommend:

1. Begin to run. BUT: as an overweight person you can damage a lot from bad technique so read this: Chi Running And just force yourself through it for a few weeks. Use it to procrastinate if nothing else does the trick.
   
   
2. Do this alongside the running: Read No More Mr. Nice Guy I Just finished it and this thing is a revelation.
   
   
3. If you have a history of bullying (which I assume)
   watch this: a word on bullying
   
   
4. To deal with anxiety: Meditate. Download the app "Headspace" and do the free Take 10 exercises.