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Ok, I realize this going to against everything everyone is ever going to tell you, and my experience is a little different because our kids were planned, but I wish someone -anyone- had told me this 15 years ago. Yes, it is a lot of work. Yes, they're expensive. Yes, it changes your relationship with your SO. And the relationships with your friends. And your family. Hell, even your work relationships change. Here's the thing though. IT'S NOT AS BAD AS EVERYONE TRIES TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE. I would have had kids years ago I had known what it's really like.

The relationship with your SO? Talk about the big things now, before Little One is born, and make sure that you're both compromising, that both of your feelings and beliefs are going to be reflected in how you intend on raising them. How are you going to go about religion? How do you both feel about punishment, both what should be punished and how? Childcare? How often do you intend on going out with friends after baby's arrival? Are you comfortable with all your friends being around your kid (seriously, a lot of our friends turned out to be people who though we enjoyed their company, were absolutely not people we wanted around our daughters)? How about family members? How about food? How often is too often for burgers and fries, do they get soda before they're 10? Have these conversations now, before they're actually an issue, and revisit them often, because things change once you get into the swing of things. Know that there will be days where one of you is 'done', and be willing to be tagged into extra duties for those days. It's OK to get burnout, it doesn't make you -or her- a bad parent, and it's so much easier to deal with if there's two of you having each other's back.

They are work. Sleep sucks for those first couple months, and that old saying that everything takes longer with kids, hahahaha....you have no idea. But you're going to find out. And it'll be ok. They sleep a ton those first few months, the first week is terrifying, but after that the adjustment is gradual, and by the time they're awake for any amount of time, you'll have already forgotten about how things were before they came along. Even the worst colicky screaming babe grows out of it eventually, and becomes a normal lovely child, it's just a matter of waiting it out. Unless you're exclusively into extreme sports, you'll figure out how to include kiddo in your hobbies and past times. Sure they might change a bit, daylong hikes become family friendly hour long jaunts, grand strategy computer games become Monster Loves You, but the feeling you get when they enjoy something that you've made them a part of is just, indescribable. You're gonna be surprised how fulfilling a good game of peekaboo is.

And those expenses? There are going to be costs you can't avoid (helloooo childcare! Also, spring for a brand new crib and carseat), but for the most part, you don't have to sell the family cow to get by if you don't want to. Babies don't care if their clothes and toys came from Goodwill. Food banks have baby food, but really all you need is a blender, there's not really a reason they can't eat what you eat. Things might get tight sometimes, but you'll always have resources available to you, your kid isn't going to go hungry. And if you two can keep your chins up, and smiles on your faces, and not stress out, your kid will never know. You're both in school, by the time your kid is in social situations where they can compare their socioeconomic status to those around them you'll all be in a much better place. So don't sweat the small stuff.

You have more resources available to you than any parents ever before. Books, doctors on call, parent groups. Read the books together. A chapter or two every night laying in bed. /u/cedarhouse1377's advice was spot on. What To Expect When You're Expecting is a great read and easily digestible. What to Expect the First Year is also very good. Your Baby's First Year is dry, but very informative. Babycenter.com has answers to a lot of the questions you have for the next few years. When you feel yourself start to panic, don't discount the value of Dr.Google. The internet is always awake, and we're always here for you.

That's your kid. They're going to be ok. You and So are going to be ok. You're smart. You're capable. You got this.

Most of all, congratulations. It's worth it.


*Edited to give proper credit to /u/cedarhouse1377. Sorry I misspelled your username!

You've received a lot of great comments and tips. My two cents: instead of a crockpot/slow cooker, consider getting an electric pressure cooker. I have the Instant Pot, which is primarily an electric pressure cooker but also has a slow cooker function. Best of both worlds in one unit! Then, you can make all the excellent slow-cooker recipes you have here on top of the quick and super-easy pressure cooker ones. My favorite pressure cooker sites are:

[Dad Cooks Dinner] (http://dadcooksdinner.com/)

[Hip Pressure Cooking] (http://www.hippressurecooking.com/)

Favorite PC cookbooks - either [Great Big Pressure Cooker] (https://www.amazon.com/Great-Big-Pressure-Cooker-Book/dp/0804185328/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1483205095&sr=8-5&keywords=pressure+cooker+cookbook) cookbook, or any of the Lorna Sass books like Cooking Under Pressure, etc.

Best of luck to you!

I read a book that talks about different ways to approach and solve arguments. Your post reminded me of it and it really helped me out.

Maybe it will help you manage or be able to see her point, and likewise if she reads it both of you can come to an understanding as well. It's called Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. I'm not much of a book reader myself but part of the book is very clear about communication styles, how people can shut down or approach a situation when they are uncomfortable, how to pull people out of their shells, and more. I really recommend it.

As for calming down, it would help to be vocal about needing some time to process your feelings and to think about the topic at hand. It gives insight and shows you're letting her in rather than giving the impression that you're shutting her out. Better to chill than talk with guns ablazing (aka being volatile). It is not healthy to talk while volatile. The book I mentioned talks about this too. In an argument when you feel like you're shutting down, you should let her know that you need some time before talking again.

You can buy property with cash as soon as you have the money.

A house with all those bits will cost around 25k and need work. You will find cheaper but have to do a lot of work to fix it up, shacks and foreclosures and the like.

Under the age of 18 you cannot be legally held to a contract, so you really can't get a loan or financing (I believe that you could still with a co-signer, but that does require some legal research on your part)

My advice? Get a job and save up money until you can afford a plot of land out of the way. Then look into building "tiny houses" or finding a camper or trailer that fits your needs, so long as you can repair it by yourself. Cheap, DIY, and... erm.., "builds character."

Home/property ownership is an insane level of responsibility, ours was a foreclosure that took a ton of work to make comfortable, and we've long acknowledged that it will never be finished.

Good internet is nearly impossible in the areas your talking about though, more than 5 minutes out of a small town in Texas and your lucky to get a 10mb/s connection with a 10gb monthly cap for $50.

I had a similar daydream when I was a teenager, its cool to see there are still people that want a little disconnect from the rest of the world.

If you are REALLY feeling frisky, pick up this book: The Fifty Dollar Underground House Book
It is crazy out of date, but the principles are still there and filled my head with fantastical ideas when I was your age.

For that matter, just google up some pictures of Tiny Houses. They can be made for a couple of grand and if you made one it would impress the hell out of your parents ( and any date you might be able to fit through the door :-) )

not getting mold on damp laundry is location dependent, if its sitting in a pile or your wash.

i live in north east US currently, it's not a concern. when I lived in florida if you left your laundry damp of any length of time you would end up with mildew-y laundry.

But I agree, that I just leave my dirty clothes and blankets in a laundry hamper. I do hang up my wet towels after use to dry a bit, if I remember. This just means throwing it over the door, or on a hook once I'm done using it.

i do sometimes forget to move laundry along and end up rewashing it without soap but add in a cup or two of white vinegar to make sure there is no mildew smell.

also, while i'm rambling, do not use fabric softener on towels, it makes them less absorbent. if you have already done this, no big deal, next load don't use it.

if you use too much detergent your stuff can start to smell musty from buildup of the soap (same for your washing machine). in this case, again, just throw in a cup or two of white vinegar with the wash to remove the extra buildup.

There is a great book about cleaning thats a fun read. - "My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag . . . and Other Things You Can't Ask Martha" by Jolie Kerr. She also had (has?) a podcast for a while which I would listen to as I cleaned, as motivation, learning, and general entertainment.

https://www.amazon.com/Boyfriend-Barfed-Handbag-Things-Martha/dp/0142196932

https://play.acast.com/s/askacleanperson

Lord above! thanks firstly for recognising your introverted children as such (and not just as failures). I really wish my parents had bothered when I was little.

Secondly you need to understand how introverts work. I recommend The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney and Quiet by Susan Cain who also rocks a mean TEDTalk In fact, start with the TED Talk then dig deeper with the books once that has settled in your mind. Once you can understand, that will inform your decisions in how you treat your children. All the best!

I mean, there are definitely guide books for this. I haven't personally read any of these, but they look promising:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154

https://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Depressed/dp/0684834073/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=1VVTGFNVHF3JNTPF3TWH

https://www.amazon.com/Talking-Depression-Connect-Someone-Depressed/dp/0451209869/ref=pd_bxgy_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=FHWJZKWCE9X225K3NEXG

I'd start with any one of those. Also seeing a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea for you so you have someone to talk to about this (and there are always things you can work on too!), and would probably encourage her to see one as well.

The bed I bought is now 189. Its seriously a good bed. We have a platform bed so just the 12 inch or the biggest one is great

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00Q7EPSHI/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Ikea has great stuff in the slightly higher end stuff. I buy used bc I dont have to put it together and its nice I think. Dark wood too is my theme.

Oh hon, I feel you. This gets me because I felt the same way. I still do. I have a 19 month old toddler.

Start here: Parenting from the Inside Out.

This book will really help you decipher your family, and really give you hope and tools for not reproducing their problems onto your little beauty of a tiny awesome person.

It's pretty straightforward and incredibly useful.

Then read this and this. Yes read them while you're pregnant because again they will give you hope and insight.

Buy this book and start reading it now too. We call it the Baby Bible in our house.

It's a survival manual for the first year of their life. It has everything. I don't know how many times we've pulled it down and flipped to the index at 2:00 am. It's better than Google. It's fantastic. (That said, it has an angle like all parenting books, even though it tries not to. They are attachment parenting writers. Nothing wrong with attachment parenting per se, just an awareness all parenting books have angles, even the impartial ones.)

Also, if you're anything like me, avoid all the happy, glowing, blowing-stardust-and-glitter-up-your-ass, pregnancy books out there. These did nothing but enrage me. I'm talking about What to Expect and similar. Unless you like stardust and bullshit, avoid avoid avoid.

Basically if you go to a thrift store and there's 8 copies of the damn pregnancy or parenting book on the shelf, don't buy it.

Instead check out books like this and this and this.

Now I haven't read those exact books, unlike all my other recommendations above, all of which I've personally read as a scared, overwhelmed pregnant lady or new mom. But as long as you stay in the 'brutally honest' lane and away from the 'syrupy sweet, guilt laden, shame' lane, then you'll be fine.

Even in 2019 there's a mountain of mommy advice bullshit books out there. Keep your instincts and your wits about you, don't forget who you are. Stay strong. And work on yourself with books like Parenting from the Inside Out and the How to Talk books.

Since you like to read, pick up the book, "feeling good, the new mood therapy" by David Burns. My therapist would not prescribe meds until I read it and after reading it, i truly no longer needed them. link on Amazon

I haven't read it so I don't say whether or not it's worthwhile, but maybe this book?

I'd also recommend watching this workshop by Marshall Rosenberg to give you some tools to better deal with your daughter.

Sex is between your ears, not between your legs. You can learn sex, you don't have to be stuck with the equipment bestowed by nature.

I recommend doing some research. "The Joy of Sex" and "She Comes First" are both books I'd recommend that you start with.

I also saw an ad that got me interested in these <$50 wild things but I can’t vouch for them


Steel Toe Shoes for Men Women-Work Safety Shoes Breathable Lightweight Indestructible Industrial Construction Non Slip Sneakers Slip Resistant Puncture Proof Working Shoes (12.5 Women / 11 Men, Grey) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07W12H8P6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_10TNDbZ2P1WG7

This is a pretty good book when you don't have a clue where to start.

Get a copy of How To Fix Just About Anything, available for almost nothing from Amazon. Supplement with googling. If in UK you can get what you need at B&Q, or Screwfix do next day free delivery for orders over a tenner.

amazon and costco have the 52 pack for $20

http://www.amazon.com/Durex-Pleasure-Natural-Premium-Condoms/dp/B00B4E00G0/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1407610038&sr=8-1-fkmr1&keywords=durex+sample+pack

http://www.amazon.com/Trojan-Condom-Pleasure-Lubricated-Count/dp/B00DX67PTC/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1_m?ie=UTF8&qid=1407609961&sr=8-1-fkmr1&keywords=Trojan+sample+pack

If you feel unsafe in your apartment, get a door jammer to make sure your door is secure.

https://www.amazon.com/DoorJammer-DJ3-Portable-Security-Protection/dp/B07HM7X6TT/

Document everything that is relevant in a cloud based text document.
Take video if you are being harassed.

If they escalate, take things to police.

If you're truly scared of buying condoms, and don't know which will work and wont, buy them on Amazon..

Where did you buy them? I've been looking at the Zinus Ironline/Suzanne and the green tea mattress, and together they're about $600.

Just found this bad boy in a different thread: https://www.amazon.com/DoorJammer-DJ3-Portable-Security-Protection/dp/B07HM7X6TT/

I do think you're overthinking it a bit. You don't have to totally reinvent yourself: just try to find job that's less pressure that you can get for comparable money. There are to s of people selling social media promotion and I suspect it would be less pressure than what you're doing.

Book you might try

https://www.amazon.com/Could-Anything-Only-Knew-What/dp/0440505003

Talking to Depression: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone In Your Life Is Depressed: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone In Your Life Is Depressed https://www.amazon.com/dp/0451209869/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_LylxDbKWXEN5B


Also — contact her school’s counselor and see if you can set something up. You should be able to do that from the outside.

Try printing out some info from the internet on signs of depression for your parents — they may be more open to getting her therapy then.