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Hey man. This sounds like a nightmare and I'm so sorry.


I also want to commend you on getting clean.


To be honest, I'm at work so I didn't read your last 2-3 paragraphs thoroughly, just skimmed towards the end. Forgive me if what I say is out-of-touch, especially if it is because I didn't read an important detail.



related to limerence?/correct sub? Partially. I personally don't care if the sub isn't the best match, I'm going to try to offer some help, but I DO wonder if there IS a better reddit.. maybe even.. r/parenting? to start with?



My Summary of your issues

1. You want your family back it sounds like. At least your daughter, but ALSO, your wife.
   
   
   
2. MIL sounds like an UNHEALTHY, BOUNDARY PUSHING/CROSSING PSYCHOPATH. No joke. Omigosh.
   
   
   
   Until you can achieve your goals. Please consider some of the following:
   
   
   
   
3. Surround yourself with SOLID community. People who speak positive into your life, give you good direction, care and love you, support you. Also, you are a recovering addict, please never stop surrounding yourself with the communities who help you get and stay clean. This takes discipline, but you might thank yourself one day that you never relapsed our found another thing to be addicted to. I suggest any community that you can trust, who will listen and support you. Perhaps find a good church if you can. STAY SUPPORTED. It helps us to never go into a dark place.
   
   
   
   
4. My goal is for you to get/stay attractive. I heard you got clean, I heard you are making major efforts... those are attractive qualities. Keep working hard and don't give up.
   
   
   
   
5. Your exwife... I don't know her... but... she'll see, possibly, one day. That she's being a fool. She's being suckered by her mother.. (her mother is incredibly toxic. toxic. toxic. toxic.) Maybe she knows her mom is toxic already...
   
   
   If I was the ex wife and I saw my ex husband ACTUALLY IS the full package... I will eventually have major regrets and try to turn my life around and reunite my daughter to her father and perhaps myself to my ex.
   
   
   
   Stay strong and see how it goes. If she ever did want to get back with you, you both need to seek counseling and create boundaries in your marriage.
   
   Examples of some appropriate boundaries for you as a couple are living 5+ hours away from her mother. Rules about going to the supportive, addiction communities on a weekly or monthly basis, couples therapy 1x/month, etc. Whatever fits you BEST. Whatever you both need to have a HEALTHY relationship.
   
   
   
   If you don't get back together, it is okay. You have been working on yourself this entire time. You will be attractive to another person one day...
   
   
   I hope things go well with your daughter and I don't see why they wouldn't if you continue on this self-improvement path.
   
   
   If worst comes to worst, you will have your community to support you through the ups and downs that come your way and one day your daughter will realize her dad has never stopped loved and fighting for her... and you will have a relationship one day with her.

It sounds like he probably has an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style, and has not reached a place in the relationship where he is becoming more secure - which most people do over time. Lack of secure attachment seems to prolong limerent feelings. It would be really helpful if he could find a therapist who specialises in attachment issues and developmental trauma, to help him heal.

I'd recommend checking out 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, as well as 'Insecure in Love' by Leslie Becker-Phelps.

This article is also a good starting point: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

Wow, sounds so sad it is heartbreaking. Vent away.

You seem to have two big issues, your family and your limerence, which may be mutually reinforcing.

Normal advice would be to go no contact with LO, but in your case I'm not sure, as you are in such a delicate situation with real danger to self and others.

Or would suggest professional help, but sounds like you've tried that too. Any therapists tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) with you?

Maybe start reading about limerence to get some perspective on the condition:

Love and LImerence by Tennov

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Living with Limerence website

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Please hang in there, things could get much better as the situation changes (which it inevitably will). Try to look to the future.

Also please do not put much stock in psychological diagnoses as they are just labels.

Hope this helps, and do not hesitate to post what is on your mind.

Man. That's temptation on steroids, for an emotional affair at least. I can definitely understand the feelings, though my situation wasn't the same thing.

I found a lot of value in this book: Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It has a lot to say about boundaries and where the risky spots are, particularly around workplace infidelity and its aftermath.

Good luck. Don't let this thing run away with you.

I think it is an evolved response. According to attached, this is just an activated attachment system.

On Human Nature

[Pair-Bonding, Romantic Love, and Evolution](http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1745691614561683
Attached

Handbook to Attachment Theory

The Fantasy Bond

Rollo May had not encountered modern brain research. Free Will is not what it seems, and our assumptions about it can lead to “limerent shame.” https://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Brain-Unconscious-Presidents-Control/dp/0385525222/ref=nodl_

He's also written a book: Amazon link. It's very short—I'm about half way through it after one sitting—and very good so far, albeit fairly duplicative of the TED Talk.

Edit: Fixed link

If you aren't obsessing about him 24/7, I'm not sure you have limerence either. You owe it to yourself to study the condition. Here's a link to a book you might want to read: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Limerence-Experience-Being/dp/0812862864/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1541953120&sr=8-1&keywords=limerence&dpID=41Vygi%252BIW4L&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&dpSrc=srch

https://www.amazon.com/Obsessive-Love-When-Hurts-Much/dp/0553381423