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So sorry to hear what you are going through. I am from the opposite side of the spectrum. I have issues, have not been diagnosed. I think from a logical standpoint, (or illogical) all women will have a tough time with there man talking to other women. I could not do a long distance relationship. Does she have anyone to talk to other than you? I can understand the pain that trauma causes, it literally changes how you are wired. How often do you physically see each other? 8 months is not a very long time. I have been with my husband for 16 years and I STILL struggle with things, I have been in therapy for a long time, and have learned specific skills to cope. When I am away from my husband, even for a few days, I find myself struggling, But, like i said, I have learned to talk myself and work through it. I disagree with others in saying that she will just get worse and can't be helped. ANYONE can be helped! It does depend on her. Try to point out logical things, in a VERY gentle way. To be someone that can't manage emotions well, the best way I can explain it, is that during an emotional fit, you literally are unable to concentrate on anything OTHER than the specific feeling. Try to get her to use the phrase, "Yeah, but." So for instance if she is freaking out about that she isn't your priority, have her say to herself, "Yeah, but what if I am?" Challenging her OWN thoughts. Ultimately it is up to you how you deal with it. Accept her as she is now, and know this is the best she can do, right now. Beyond that, it is a day to day thing. And learning how to cope yourself, and help her cope, and help her challenge herself can be hard, I am sure. Possibly encourage her to start writing. Writing is very therapeutic and can possibly be a good way for her to sort out her thoughts. Contrary to the other posts, (and please I am not trying to be argumentative here,) - Love, and understanding is possibly the only thing that can truly help her, even if it seems like it isn't. When she needs space, just give her that, and communicate that you are not abandoning her, you are trying to help her. Sometimes it is true, I just need to be alone, however the assurance of knowing by giving her her space you are trying to help her, and are not going anywhere, may help. My husband sometimes gets upset at how much reinforcement I need. I try to work on that, and it can be extremely hard to remember that not everyone "just leaves". However, it is probably important to know, that even after 16 years of being with the same person, I still do struggle with things that are upon later talking through I realize are irrational fears. It is definitely work.

The world can be a really overwhelming place for someone who is more sensitive than the normal person. She is just different. Not necessarily bad. I feel sympathy for all the horror stories I have heard of people with BPD hurting others. I am so sorry to hear that. I want to say though, not everyone is bad, it is just the severity of pain, and it is entirely dependent on the individual the choices they make. It does take two people to tango as well, although the majority of time it can be one person instigating. Try and remember this is not your fault, or her fault. It is just a difficult situation. Suggest to her the book: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Personality Disorders by: Jeffrey C. Wood. It has helped me a lot!

Try to also establish healthy boundaries with her. Try something like, "I need to be able to socialize, It really helps me be able to deal with life easier. This doesn't mean I am leaving you or are not a priority. It is just something I need. I also love spending time with you, and want you to know you are loved." Obviously, reword it in a way that makes more sense to you. Something along those lines. Really though, for it to work, you both need boundaries that are healthy. She also needs to respect your needs while knowing you aren't going anywhere. I am just guessing, based on this post, she already senses or suspects your doubts. So if you want to end it, do it before wasting either of your times. It would be unfortunate to prematurely end something that could be alleviated, and if you really love her that would also be sad. However it would also be sad for both of you to waste your time on something that you are not sure of as well. The decision has to be made of what you are willing and able to deal with.

Sorry for the continuing edits, just trying to help here. Consider suggesting natural remedies to help alleviate. Aromatherapy has been a helper for me. Lavender is a great oil to smell when you are feeling upset. It has been shown to be useful for many things. Just smelling it in times of stress can send signals to your brain and work to calm yourself down. This is a very unscientific way to explain it, if you look into though, there have been a lot of good things researched and said about it. Thanks for listening.

Here is one more book. I haven't read it, it got good reviews though. I will probably check it out too.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=pd_sim_14_4?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0399536213&pd_rd_r=HSZD3ZTAT547C1Y8SD5Z&pd_rd_w=T5dSN&pd_rd_wg=le172&psc=1&refRID=HSZD3ZTAT547C1Y8SD5Z

Hi. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much, I know the struggle so well. I've been sabotaging my relationship for years because of very similar issues.

A clarifying question - are you old enough to see a psychologist/psychiatrist on your own? Or even just a doctor, for the time being for medication to help you?

The great news is this - you know there's a problem. Many people can't even see that enough to begin to get help, so you're a step ahead of the curve!

A reality check about your boyfriend - here's the deal. You love him, I'm assuming and he loves you. It's your responsibility to take care of yourself as it's his responsibility to take care of himself. What that means is if you tell him, and he doesn't feel up for the job and he leaves - that's not rejection. What it is, is him doing the best thing for both of you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but talking to him about it is going to do one of two things - 1. You'll have the support and patience from him and you two can work on getting better together. or 2. You'll know that you two are not a compatible match.

Either way, as it stands - your words seem to say that you feel unlovable the way you are (because you're afraid of him rejecting you), do you think you stand the chance at getting better if you always feel like you're hiding your real self from him? You're missing out on a very powerful opportunity - to learn that you're lovable with your perceived imperfections, whether that's from him or from someone else.

((hugs))

If you're not familiar with this website, it's very helpful: https://www.bpdcentral.com/

Don't worry about whether you "have" a personality disorder or not, focus on the behaviors and thoughts and how to improve them.

Some resources that may help you:

NonViolent Communication - Helping you learn how to know your needs, communicate them and to hear others, as well as communicating compassionately with yourself.

Here's a video about it.

Mind over Mood is an awesome workbook to help change the way we think.

Totally could have been wrongfully diagnosed. It happens with EVERY mental illness, that someone, somewhere, is misdiagnosed with it.

For me it was anxiety. For YEARS it was "just anxiety." Now, that's not incorrect, as I have the same health centered shit you said you have (I thought my breathing was manual yesterday and surely I was going to die!) uhhh, but yeah. I thought I had depression as well, but psychiatrist wouldn't hear of it. "It's just anxiety!"

Oh, well, turns out I have bipolar disorder! I've gotten second, third, and fourth opinions on that because that was about the second to last thing I thought it could be.

But then when I start talking about it, it sounds just like bipolar lol.

So, for years something was overlooked for me.

These folks try hard at their jobs most of the time, but they don't know everything.

It's speculated that a number of people do actually "out-grow" BPD. I ticked a lot of boxes on that list even when I was in my early twenties. Now I can't relate to most of them at all.

What should you do? I think therapy is useful for every person alive. No matter how well they are doing. And you've gone before and that's awesome! Now, DBT is very useful for a range of folks, but it's the most recommended form of therapy for folks with BPD.

I'd find a therapist who specializes in DBT, work on (with that therapist) trying to stop obsessing about the label, and just go with that. Because really, DBT is great, it's great for BPD (if you don't have it, cool! Therapy will still help!)

So your idea of getting appropriate therapy is a good one, but in the sense that therapy is appropriate and DBT is great, so you could give that a shot. Definitely talk about all these worries with your therapist.

Your anxiety feels pretty horrible, doesn't it? I just kind of read that.

I'm glad you're still here! I wish I could somehow re-assure you but anxiety is such a terrible fuckwad. Here's a book recommendation for that:

http://www.amazon.com/The-OCD-Workbook-Breaking-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/1572249218

I'm only putting in the one for OCD because it's good for obsessive thoughts. I don't know if you have OCD, but this book is supposedly one of the best for anxiety. Disclaimer: I've never read it, can't give my own review. But a million times it's been recommended to me.

I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy about this :( I hope you feel better soon.

It sounds like living with your dad might be the best of those 3 options. You'll still be in contact with the girl you like but you wont be challenged with as many changes. BPD is EXHAUSTING, I know. I find that the solution that is driven as equally as possible by both logic and emotion fits best. Suicide may seem like a good third option, but remember that there is always a possibility for even more options than you listed. I would sometimes confront that idea with "I''m pretty sure I've explored every option and angle and this is all I got", and I did....with the information I had at the time. Group therapy helped me with finding more options to help solve my problem from my peers and from the ppl running the group. I think it's important to be open to gathering up more information on what you can do and what support you can get. This forum is the perfect place!

Also, Dialectical Behavioral therapy (DBT) is extremely usefull in treating BPD. You can find a number of online resources and workbooks to help you. There are also DBT group therapies out there that take insurance or do sliding scale. I'll link the books below. Some of the worksheets inthese books can be found on forums or other websites for free, uploaded by wonderful ppl that just wanna give ppl access to something helpful.

Book 1: DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_C12QybM6GZ5PF

Book 2 (my personal fav): The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245131/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_w22Qyb6Y42T7S

Yes, you can. But not without therapy. It is possible to apply therapy to yourself, so hope isn't lost! It does require a lot more effort than seeing a therapist does, and for some people just having another person help with the problems is key. There is an advantage to healing yourself. Your therapy will be perfectly targeted and personalized in a way that even the best therapist couldn't, if you are able to gain the right knowledge. And change will happen faster. You're free to spend as much time as you want at no $$$ per hour instead of once a week or whatever.

Basically, your end goal is to understand yourself fully so that you can change. The best way I've found to do this is reading. In my case in order to have the motivation to change, I needed meds. Perhaps when I'm fully in control I can come off them, but for now they are necessary. You of course have to decide for yourself on that issue. The next issue is finding the right books, which will also be different for each person. Once you've read a book on BPD, you'll start to see the nuances of the disorder that you do or don't have. Every personality disorder covers a wide range of traits and not every person has them all. But to make a diagnosis being too specific isn't helpful. So you may find that you don't have what you thought you did or you may be more certain than ever. Whats the next step? Find a good book targeted at your best guess as to your issues. Amazon has been a wonder for me on this. As well asking for opinions on forums specific to your disorder is a great way to get good recommendations. You can also find people that have done this before you by just googling 'best books xxxxx'

Here is what I recommend - read I Hate You--Don't Leave Me and if afterwards you are certain you have BPD, continue on that track. Probably read this next - The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. If BPD doesn't seem entirely like you, then use what you learned you aren't to narrow your diagnosis and try again. Also, you're going to see mindfulness thrown around a lot. Its essentially the first step in meditation. It works. Its real, we have reinvented the wheel in order to treat mental illness caused in part by not teaching meditation in the first place. Probably.

If you want to get the books and read them on your computer, I can help you do that for free. If they help you change your life, then buy the hard copy. If you need the hard copy or just prefer it, they aren't that expensive.

Sounds like you are bumping up against some (potentially) unresolved trauma (grief and loss), and how it has potentially affected your "adult attachment style." Your reactions to breakups are not unnatural, although they may be (as you indicate) more extreme or long lasting than you'd like. You are asking good questions, and the fact that you are looking for a more healthy alternative to your current patterns of behavior/relationships is a good indicator you are moving toward health... You could look for a therapist who can administer the Adult Attachment Interview with you. The AAI is legit: but stay away from foofy therapists. If you ask what their preferred treatment modality would be in working with you, and they say something like "it's all about your journey," just peace out. Finding a good therapist is like finding a pair of comfy shoes, sometimes you gotta try a few.

You can also check out this book, Attached. It describes attachment and neurobiology, and how it impacts your relationships. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it seems pretty good so far.

Good luck!

https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Schizophrenia-6th-Family-Manual/dp/0062268856 <- this book may be helpful in understanding what he is going through, but also help guide you through how the disorder works and how to best treat this young man.

So, a couple of things- at this point, it sounds like he's doing alright, so there's no need to worry about treating him differently than anyone else. The main thing that would cause a concern would be if he made a remark about hurting himself or other people. In that case, you might need to call 911, especially if it happens quickly. But this is alllll theoretical- there's no evidence (AFAIK) that he is near or at that point. So let;s not worry about it for now :)

He may be experiencing hallucinations or delusions. A hallucination is when one of our senses (hearing, seeing, touching, etc) is actively creating sensations that are not real. Delusions are thoughts that are bizarre and not founded in reality. These symptoms can be intense, constant, and frightening.

My advice would be to read up on schizophrenia, learn more about it, and be an advocate for positive mental health treatment. Schizophrenia is very stigmatized and I would be surprised if a couple of his teammates are unsure of how to handle his symptoms, should symptoms crop up. Reach out to the young man, tell him that you are there for him if something comes up. I can't stress the importance of this. Him knowing that there is a trusted leader of the team that he can go to when something goes awry for him is going to be huge.

Most of all- don't let stigma interfere with you're teams perception of him. He's a guy that plays on a soccer team; regardless of his diagnosis, he's found something he loves, and he's really not different from the rest of the team. :)

> On the other side, my mom defended me from bullies, drove me to school every day, cared for me and could be really sweet... This is confusing to me

This is precisely the reward-and-reinforcement mechanism people like Theo Lidz, Gregory Bateson, Paul Watzlawick, John Weakland, Don Jackson, Jay Haley, Virginia Satir, Jules Henry, Ronald D. Laing and Aaron Esterson saw two and three generations ago in the families of origin of their schizophrenic patients. And that Diana Baumrind ultimately saw after she did her original work on the various parenting styles. Having worked with well over a hundred people with BPD (not suggesting you have it), I have seen the flip-flop mother -- pretty likely stuck in learned helpless codependence to the intimidating, abusive, narcissistic father -- so many times in the families of origin of the BPD pts that I'm relatively certain it's a fairly common etiological set-up. In whatever event...

1. Substance Abuse: IF one is abusing alcohol, nicotine in any form, or other rec or Rx substances, they'll have to stop. SA can cause -- or worsen -- this in people with specific genetics and behavioral conditioning (see below). Alcoholics Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous can be helpful. Or using the SAMHSA facility locator online to find a detox & rehab.
   
   
2. If one is NOT doing the above, they may need lab work to determine if they have hormonal (e.g.: thyroid) or metabolic (e.g.: low Vitamin D3) imbalances. See a competent MD, DO, PA or NP. (To find one in your area, use the clinician locators mentioned below or get a referral from your GP/PC doc.)
   
   
3. Medications, but only if really needed to get one stabilized enough to do next seven things on this list: Find a board certified psychopharmacologist in your area by using the physician locators below. Getting psych meds from a GP or primary care doc can be useless or even risky. Psych diagnoses, meds and med interactions are just too complex now for most GPs and primary care docs.
   
   
4. Support Groups: Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families (ACA), Emotions Anonymous (EA), and Codependents Anonymous (CoDA)... where you will find others in similar boats who have found explanations, answers and solutions. All of their websites have meeting locators.
   
   
5. Books and academic, professional websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). Strongly recommended because they all understand the upshots of having been stressed into fight, flight or freeze for too long, including complex PTSD: Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine, Patricia Ogden, Ronald Kurtz, Laurence Heller, Bruce McEwen, Sonya Lupien and Robert Sapolsky. Look for an online article entitled "Treat Autonomic AND Cognitive Conditions in Psychopathology?" to get you oriented. Accurate information is power. More books:
   Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
   
   Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
   
   Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
   
   Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
   
   Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
   
   Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
   
   
6. Psychotherapy: I currently use Ogden's Sensorimotor Processing for Trauma (SP4T) as the "interoceptive" 9th of The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing to manage any C-PTSD time bombs that turn up, but had good results over the years with several of the
   
   . . . a) cognitive behavioral therapies (CBTs), including Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), collegiate critical thinking, and Schema Therapy; the
   
   . . . b) "super" (or mindfulness-based) CBTs like Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), Mind-Body Bridging Therapy (MBBT), and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR); and the
   
   . . . c) "deep cleaners" like Eye-Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR), Hakomi Body Centered Psychotherapy (HBCP), Somatic Experiencing Psychotherapy (SEPt), Sensorimotor Processing for Trauma (SP4T), and the Neuro-Affective Relational Model (NARM).
   
   One can look up all of those by name online. The CBTs deconstruct one's inaccurate beliefs, values, ideals, principles, convictions, rules, codes, regulations and requirements about how we or they (or the world) should / must / ought / have to be. DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT and MBSR are terrific for emotional symptom management. EMDR, HBCT, SEPt, SP4T and NARM are first-rate for memory-reprocessing, sense-making and detachment from the conditioning, programming, etc.
   
   To find the clinicians who know how to use these psychotherapies, look on the "therapists" and "psychiatrists" sections of the Psychology Today.com clinician locator, or the "find-a-doctor/specialty/psychiatry" section of the WebMD website; the SAMHSA's treatment facility locator, and -- for DBT specialists in particular -- on the Behavioraltech.org website. If you dig a little on each page, you will be able to see which therapies they use. Then interview them as though they were applying for a job with your company. Most psychiatrists, btw, are not therapists themselves (they are medication specialists), but can refer you to those who are, and are often excellent sources of referral.
   
   
7. Mindfulness Meditation: Try the Vipassana or Theravada Meditation styles? (For a lot of people with anxiety, unwanted mania and depression, this stuff handles them all chop chop. Many of the modern "mindfulness"-based psychotherapies are actually based on these now.) The article "The Feeling is Always Temporary" at pairadocks.blogspot.com provides a nice summation of it.
   
   
8. Therapy Workbooks: I got a lot of lift-off by using inexpensive workbooks built on CBT, ACT, DBT, MBBT and MBCT workbooks like these, and these, and these, and these.
   
   
9. Moderate Exercise: Because it is the single healthiest of the distractions one can use to yank oneself out of the paradigm for a while... and it can help to "massage" the brain so that it responds more quickly to psychotherapy.
   
   
10. Diet: A lot of people with depression, mania and/or anxiety eat very poorly. Junk food -- not to mention too little nutritious food -- will definitely impact those who are overly stressed and make symptoms worse. High-quality frozen meals are better than McFood of almost any kind, but HQ fresh (especially Mediterranean -- though not pizza -- and Asian) food appears to be best for pts with C-PTSD symptoms. Healthy fats in moderation, btw, are known to be good for depression. Add a 1000 IU soft gel of Vitamin D3, too.
    
    Of the ten, #3 and #6 are the only ones that cost much, and several are totally free.
    
    

Here is a video that was helpful to me when I first discovered the unhelpful thinking styles that you are talking about (they are called "cognitive distortions" and are a foundation upon which CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) is built upon). There is an exercise in it the video I did (with pen and paper) that helped me start to deal with my own poor thinking habits and get better at rectifying them.

I own the book Feeling Good which also has some Do-it-yourself CBT exercises in it that I've done.

I'm not an expert and to be honest I should probably do some more of this stuff myself, I've gotten a bit lazy about it but I do remember it being incredibly eye-opening! Even now I can catch myself getting into to those thought patterns and recognize the cognitive distortion in play and help prevent myself from going further down that train of thought and try re-orient my thinking back to reality.

I'm happy to share this with you, hope it's helpful :)

I'm glad the advice meant something to you! It's a pretty standard line in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, which you might find useful. There are workbooks available as well as general resources. If you're really curious, check out some of the clinical-end resources, the ones meant for practitioners. They might appeal to your intellectual curiosity. I know what you mean about taking a second. It's a very weird strategy at first, because you're de-valuing what seemed like the most important past of yourself, but it really helps in challenging those dangerous thought patterns that keep you from accessing the very resources that could help you recover.

Sorry your home life is kind of shitty. I'm sure you can see, even if it doesn't help, that your mother and father are deeply scared of anything being wrong. Could you covertly get some advice from your aunt, since she knows your home life? Social workers tend to be great people. Or perhaps you have a school counselor? Internet research might reveal a public clinic or school/hospital service with easy access. Worst case scenario, you might have to stay in a holding pattern until you're independent enough to seek help without stigma. Which is horrible, but again, not the end of your world.

Masks take a real toll on a person. My further vague advice, not knowing you, would be to practice real honesty in controlled settings whenever possible. Even if it's you talking in the mirror, or to yourself as you walk outside. You don't want to get into a pattern of repressing thoughts/memories, or dissociating when the mentality surfaces unexpectedly. Forcing thoughts away tends to make them recur at weird times. Try to observe them happening as if from a distance, take a breath, and let them fade. Writing can help keep those feelings organized. If you reach out to someone like a friend, again, I would orient it toward behavior rather than confession. You two won't be able to 'solve' the core problem by talking, but your friend might have good suggestions for positive changes, or at least validate your experience.

Are you adolescent? If so, these kinds of emotional disturbances are, scarily enough, pretty routine. Even if you're not, emotional regulation is a very underrated skill-set. Any work you do toward that end, even small habits, will pay for themselves tenfold.

You can do this.

>I know I sound super desperate for help, sorry about that.

All good. Doesn't read like that to me, more someone encountering a difficult unprecedented situation in their experience and not knowing how to help or proceed :)

>is there any way for me to obtain a therapist's knowledge so I can even remotely help her?

Well you can probably gain some insight by reading and learning about how trauma influences and manifests psychologically and behaviourally, bringing that to the dynamic with your girlfriend, but short of training in psychotherapy, which is years long, it's not a straight forward process of gaining knowledge in this case. Read what you can (or watch vids if that is a preference. Though books on this subject will probably contain more information and details), really listen and be present to your girlfriend. If possible, cultivate patience and tolerance for the the more exasperating aspects of your gfs behaviour. Compassion helps; keep in mind there is pain somewhere even if your gf isn't consciously aware of it. Maybe take notes, make observations, build an operative framework to embed understanding in, specific tactics or methods etc. I dont know; those are suggestions, not prescriptive.

>study material

A couple of books come to mind: The Body Keeps the Score:Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, and another, more symbolic and depth psychological oriented in its approach
Trauma and the Soul: A psycho-spiritual approach to human development and its interruption. These may be helpful. There's a lot of research and books out there in this territory though, so well worth looking around online and seeing what you can find.

>standard operating procedure

Safety is paramount for those who live with trauma, safety in the environment and with others they're relating to, but more importantly, safety in relation to ones own feelings and embodied states.

Trauma takes up occupancy in ones body in an unconscious (emphasis on unconscious) energetic, emotive sense. It can seem like ones own feelings, thoughts, dreams and sensations are the enemy and attacking ones sense of self out of and through the very ground of that sense of self, acting out by themselves with little conscious control. A weird reversal of normalised associations with ones own experience can be present, as can various psychological defenses, such as dissociation and repression. Profound shame may be existent somewhere, exerting influence, alongside self-loathing and self-doubt. These qualities, as belief, as operative paradigms of psychological orientation, bind and entrap. Trauma and its psychology is complex, entangled.

It's perhaps significant to keep in mind that trauma of the kind your gf has experienced is a rupture in terms of a developing self; somewhere, somehow a break and splitting has taken place. Those split off parts of self still exist somewhere, and all of the original pain associated with them. The aim is integrating these extant parts towards a different kind of wholeness and integrity.

The process I've experienced through a therapeutic alliance has involved re-experiencing these 'splinter psyches' and the attendant affect qualities in a safe and trust based context. I've had to relearn how to be present to my own body and emotions in ways I wasn't familiar with. It was a very painful and confrontational process, long and slow, encountering and metabolising bits and pieces in small chunks, using dream, memory (or lack of), daily relational contexts as leverage, through questioning, into contact with feeling, image, re-embodiment. Learning how to just exist and be with myself in my body, learning acceptance. So lots of grounding and attention to breathing, posture, tension being held, etc.

Not sure if that's really all that helpful, and I'm not a professional.

Imo, trauma doesn't heal by itself and it never goes away until its worked with consciously.

Good luck! It's strenuous and problematic, what you're in.

Hey - First of all, I am sorry to hear about your mom and the situation afterward. That is a really hard thing to go through at such a young age.
Second, everyone wants to feel wanted and needed. It is a totally normal thing for you to want to have someone you can be close to. But, I think your assessment is right - you've got something else going on too. Making the appointment with a counselor or psychologist was a good first step, but if you need support until you can see them you can try any of the resources on this page:

http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/International_Suicide_Prevention_Directory

It says suicide prevention, but the hotlines are there to help you regardless of whether you are just feeling overwhelmed or if you feel like you might harm yourself in some way. I found it helpful when I called.

I have had success with books on mindfulness like this one:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1593851286/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It sounds kind of cheesy, but new research is showing that the mindfulness approach is just as successful as meds and/or therapy.

I have heard some good things about the book below, but I haven't read it myself yet so I can't tell you what I thought.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1502394138/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I am a therapist and I have worked with schizophrenia in my practice and so has my wife in her clinical experience. The thing I will say is that schizophrenia definitely varies by the individual and the case. Medication can be a frustrating part for of treatment due to all of the side effects. It isn't to say that it doesn't help, but it can be frustrating to a person who is used to having a normal life and then all the sudden a medication causes all sorts of other symptoms. I would suggest for you to read both of the following books and look for a support group. Also, it will be important for your sister to have regular social interaction. In Austin we have something called Austin Clubhouse that helps with all of this and is a free service. I would look for services similar to this. The regular interaction will help her to have meaning and to move towards her goals -- even if they have shifted a bit. I hope that helps. This is a life altering shift for you, her, and your family. It takes time.

https://www.amazon.com/Myself-Them-Experience-Schizophrenia-Adolescent-ebook/dp/B00VQVNUKY/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1483668017&sr=8-4&keywords=schizophrenia+books

https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Schizophrenia-6th-Family-Manual/dp/0062268856/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483668017&sr=8-1&keywords=schizophrenia+books

I found this book extremely helpful when looking at attachment and how it impacts relationships. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

​

It also sound like you guys need to get on the same page about relationship expectations and really be honest with yourselves about whether your partner and relationship are meeting your needs.

And definitely look for some way to get connected to therapy in the future! Through school, EAP through an employer, sliding scale at a clinic that has interns, health insurance. It can be SO helpful in working through issues that come up, recognizing unhealthy patterns, and regaining a sense of control in your life and relationships!

​

Good luck!

Could you be having sleep paralysis? If you're not sleeping well, maybe when you think you're awake you're actually drifting in and out and it's causing the hallucinations and paralysis.

I struggle with sleeping and feeling anxious at night, too. I got a dog and it really helped, and having white noise like a fan, table top water fountain, or something soothing like classical music on low works for me. If you're a person of faith, prayer can be really useful. If you were a kid, I'd suggest making Monster Spray.

Also, idk if you're in treatment but have you tried EMDR? It's great for traumas. Other things to try are TRE and Somatic Experiencing. Check out some of these vids- they might have some helpful insights/suggestions.

What should you expect from therapy

What makes a good therapist

5 signs you are seeing a bad therapist

Which type of therapy is right for me

Choosing your mental health professional

How to start and what to say

How do I stop being afraid to fall asleep?

How can I fight my bad thoughts at night?

How can I stop having nightmares?

How to get sleep

4 tips for better sleep

Sleep paralysis

Psychosis

BPD

anxiety playlist

depression playlist

trauma playlist

PTSD playlist

There's also a book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk that extensively talks about trauma's effect on the body and how it can manifest (scientific, but very readable and relatable).

In any case, I'd definitely talk to your doctor about it. Hope you find an answer, take care!

ok

Firstly, if you are not seeing a trauma specialized therapist I highly suggest you consider seeing one. Just from your description it sounds like your issues are above the pay-grade of your current clinicians, or they are not putting in the proper amount of effort. The fact that you have so many complicating issues and your clinicians are not understanding why you having these shutdowns is a big red flag that something is amiss with them. I presume that you are being open and honest with them about all of your current issues, and that they know about your history of abuse/trauma.

You should also definitely do some reading about borderline personality disorder.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but absolutely, positively stay away from any drugs, even legal ones like alcohol. You are a perfect candidate for death by addiction, unfortunately.

Here are a few books that you might find useful:

https://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427

https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Workbook-Mind-Body-Regaining/dp/1623158249

https://www.amazon.com/Unspoken-Voice-Releases-Restores-Goodness/dp/1556439431

https://www.amazon.com/Pocket-Guide-Polyvagal-Theory-Transformative/dp/0393707873

I strongly suggest you try to get some serious headway on your issues BEFORE you try going to college. It might be worth taking a year or two off and just working and going to therapy/working on issues before you attempt to go to college full time.


Do you happen to live in a very religious area? Do you have a very religious family?

The Power Of Now lays a little bit more on the pseudoside of things. However it does a great job of describing states of being/attention and what to pay attention to when it comes to intrusive negative memories or thoughts.

ACT therapy modalities can be helpful for understanding what these traumatic visions are doing for you. Do they protect you from current perceived threats? Do they help avoid taking responsibility for actions or thoughts associated with these memories? Etc...

Lastly, for help today, please consider guided meditations. I was under the impression for a long time that these things were for hippy-dippy losers who had to much time on their hands. I thrived on stress and anxiety and couldn't break free from thought patterns that were running me into the ground. After engaging with these for six weeks, I experienced a noticeable difference in my day to day stress. I also used them to calm my mind and focus on happy thoughts before bed, leading to a reduction of nightmares, sleepwalking and teeth grinding at night. After two years, I can't identify with my former (stressed) self.

I wish you the best.

Be well!

Breathing techniques are great! They're actually different in CBT and DBT (Paced breathing in DBT, one of the TIPPS skills that I love utilizing when I'm in a moment of Panic or am having a flashback due to PTSD), I also love giving myself outside (of my panic attacks/anxiety) body sensations as you described with the tapping.

Before I got myself in to a therapy program, I used this CBT based work book and it helped me enough to get over my agoraphobia enough to actually leave my house and get into therapy:https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1626252157/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CM796J9N8TT839YY64DD

What about a balance?

I've always been an introvert myself, but I learned some years ago that these alleged personality types aren't set in stone. Being an introvert doesn't mean being pigeonholed into absolutes such as eschewing company. You can still desire social interaction, but in different settings and perhaps with a smaller group of people. This is a book I recommend for you. It isn't terribly long and I own it myself. It has helped me.

Hey Torallyrandom33, I’ve had a quick search and this seems to be a good starting point:

https://www.amazon.com/Living-Bipolar-Disorder-Individuals-FamiliesUpdated/dp/0199782024

It is aimed at bipolar disorder and again I’m not a psychologist but what you’re describing is near identical to what I experience so you should get benefit from it.
It does talk about GP’s and drug treatments but it also seems to talk about how to recognise the onset of episodes, how to avoid them or, failing that, how to manage them. If I come across anything else I think might help I’ll post it here. I hope it helps.

If one medication doesn't work you try another.

If one therapist doesn't work you try another!!

You might have to try another over and over again. People usually have to try a bunch before something works well.

See if there are support groups for depression (or other relevant issue) to join.

Exercise is a good immediate relief, and if it hasn't worked try anaerobic exercise (weights/resistance). Lactic acid is tied directly to the motivation system, which is what's broken in depression.

While depression is largely biological it is usually exacerbated by circumstance (primed in nature -> triggered by nurture). If she isn't in therapy, she can at least start learning cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to quell pessimism and such. This book is A+ It sounds like she got overwhelmed. :(

Thank you for being kind and understanding and willing to help. Ultimately, however, it's up to her to do the hard work.

I encourage her to post up stuff about her life history and feelings. Talking to weirdo strangers online is still helpful :)

I have this book, haven't read all of it but what I have read seems really helpful. It has some of the best reviews of any book on depression that I have seen.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336

>Sometimes it feels like love is supposed to feel. Sometimes I feel so indifferent and numb towards him that I think it's just my mental illness telling me to find someone to cling to.

Sometimes this is called Dependent Personality Disorder. Its where we only have just ONE person, usually an SO who is completely burdened with our need for validation and emotional support. We think we are "in love". The problem is that these relationships are often short lived and you end up with an emotional support dog. Channeling my therapist here.

Its a good read, if you have time:

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521604040&sr=8-1&keywords=i+hate+you+dont+leave+me+book

I think these books would be very helpful on learning why people become narcissists and what can be done to heal: https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466677067&sr=1-1&keywords=the+narcissistic+family

https://www.amazon.com/Unholy-Hungers-Encountering-Psychic-Ourselves/dp/1570621810/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466677088&sr=1-1&keywords=unholy+hungers

r/depression, r/depression_help, r/EOOD, The Upward Spiral Workbook, The Feeling Good Handbook

The study is accurate. People have known this since ancient times. It's called having a genius, or daemon. Often used for automatic writing. In ancestor venerating cultures, speaking to your ancestors is an important part of religious life, and is so for thousands of Christians in the U.S.


I'll post a couple more links... this was also a finding by the research of T. M. Luhrmann a celebrated Stanford University professor.

her book, When God Talks Back

Her research into schizophrenia within cultures that practice ancestor veneration

here is a link to the Teeming Brain blog .

here is a link to my blog

I study English supernatural horror fiction, gnosticism, Victorian spiritualism, the occult, and east-asian mediumship. I had a psychotic episode in 2004, from experimenting with Shinto by myself, and my research has been an effort to understand precisely what I did and was there any similar practice today in modern Japan? I also looked into Korean Shamanism, charismatic Christianity, and Vietnamese shamanism.
I wasn't surprised by what I found out at all.

Something that might help also is CBT. I use this book sometimes. https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336

You can probably find a pdf of it online.

I've been using this book https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 to help with depression/anxiety.

Read The Body Keeps The Score. It will help you immensely...it helped me! You will discover why you feel the way you do, what your body/brain are REALLY doing to make you feel the way you do and what you can do about it (both personally and professionally). I promise, it will change ur life.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_2JKIDbS4E3975

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Here's a link to a book that might help, it's helped me understand my borderline but it's written for the perspective of people close to someone with bpd.
overcoming borderline

Read the Feeling Good Handbook if you can get it. One particular thing that helped me from that book was learning that emotions are a byproduct of our thoughts, not just the other way around. You have to catch your negative thoughts and let them go without letting the chain of negative thinking continue as best as you can. Seems impossible at first, but keep trying. It took me two weeks to stop this negative spiral of thinking and emotions.


Our unconscious mind takes cue and find pattern from our conscious mind. How I see it, is that generally the brain likes to be as efficient as possible. So if you regularly think negative thoughts, it knows to expect that state of mind so it creates it unconsciously for you. That can also be a powerful tool used partly for memory techniques as well btw.

First step is to catch yourself thinking negatively, then try to see the positive version of anything you were thinking about. At first it might feel like you're lying to yourself, but eventually the negative side of your thoughts eventually become the non-truth. Kind of difficult to explain I think, but the problem with depression and negative thoughts is that we believe the negativity. The negative future, no hope for ourselves, etc. And any positive thought is just bs. But we can retrain our mind to think positively and be on that side of the same coin.


Good luck to you.

DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It is a treatment developed by Marsha Linehan, originally to treat chronically suicidal patients and those with Borderline Personality Disorder. It has since been shown as an effective form treatment for many other diagnoses as well, such as those with PTSD, substance abuse, mood disorders, eating disorders, and ADHD. Those who seek DBT are frequently those who experience intense emotions and emotional distress. It is made up of four components: mindfulness, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance. A typical DBT program consists of a once-weekly 2 hour DBT group that lasts 6-12 months, a once a week therapy session, and the ability for the client to have access to their therapist via phone for phone coaching.

• Here are some links explaining DBT
  
  • https://behavioraltech.org/resources/faqs/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt/
    
  • http://www.opaldbt.com/dbt/
    
• Here's a list of some studies done on DBT and their results
  
  • https://behavioraltech.org/downloads/Research-on-DBT_Summary-of-Data-to-Date.pdf
    
• Here is a list of some DBT workbooks that you can work on your own if you'd like to try that instead of enrolling in a full on DBT program
  
  • https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook-ebook-dp-B0041D8UWM/dp/B0041D8UWM/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=1536867241
    
  • https://www.amazon.com/Skills-Training-Handouts-Worksheets-Second/dp/1572307811/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536867241&sr=8-1&keywords=dbt+skills+training+handouts+and+worksheets+second+edition
    
    Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any more questions!

+1 to "sounds like the meds need to be updated"

You sound really depressed. To be blunt (but also not an expert or anything) this is passive suicidal ideation, and not something to ignore.

It seems like you're familiar with depression from your past struggles, so you can tell the doc if you notice new features. Definitely mention you are kind of blah on existence!

I'm glad you still have perspective, and I hope you can feel better sooner rather than later. If you can swing it, there's a pretty good cheap book on CBT. It goes through how to notice and counteract negative thoughts that depression will constantly harass you with: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336


Good luck and give it hell! Hit me up if you like; I've been wrestling this stuff for forever.

I agree with another commenter here--if you don't have a therapist, get one. CSA and other traumas are very hard to recover from without help. There's a self-help book you might find helpful, The Courage to Heal, which is made by people who have experienced of CSA for people who have experienced CSA. I haven't gone through a lot of it (it isn't something that you can fly through), but what I've read is really validating. Triggering, but validating.

Look for another job, if you can. If you think that the problem is your depression, not the job itself, then wait to commit to leaving, maybe, until after you start sorting stuff out. Depression makes it hard to find jobs in general appealing.

I'm sorry that you've gone through so much.

There is a lot of great stuff just like that in this workbook. It was designed for BPD, but people with depression, anxiety, or even no real clinical diagnosis can learn a lot of daily coping skills (some are coping with other people.) I can't say it'll make you an empathic person - I suggest continued therapy for that kind of help - but it can help you with daily life skills.

Personally, I think you should give therapy more time. I've been going for about 10 years (about 8 of those multiple times a week, including DBT groups,) and I can still struggle with everyday coping skills, so every other week for a few months probably won't get you too far if the things that are impeding your life are very ingrained in your personality (for example, not like getting help going through a divorce, which is usually a much shorter-term problem.)

The Body Keeps the Score Part 5 which starts with Chapter 13. Your local library probably has a copy you can check out for free. Confirm they have a copy by searching their catalog online before going there. Some libraries have an inter-library transfer service and will deliver it to your nearest library so you can pick it up closer. Browse the books next to it in the same section for similar selections based on its call number. (Someone had to tell me this before I figured it out! It's a great way to find similar resources.)

In addition to the daily stress of a tight, hectic schedule, working in a psychiatric environment you should be aware of what nurses and providers are often dealing with which is secondary traumatic stress (STS). It's a serious source of fatigue and burnout. Working with patients in severe pain or who have suffered trauma can have an effect on us. So we need to be trained in how to process it. Especially if we already have our own challenges we're dealing with.

One of the things about controlling anger. When we have a lot of anger all the time, we tend to try to push it down and keep it in check by maintaining a flat affect. In order to avoid having anger, we get in the habit of not allowing any emotions at all. So part of the therapy I've gotten that worked well is to start to allow emotions back in. Not all at once of course. But to be ok to notice and feel emotions. Let them in enough to be able to say, that's frustration, that's aversion, that's resentment, that's jealous, etc. To put a name on it and let it be there for a minute.

Passive aggressive behavior like aversion and avoiding things is a sign of muted anger. So this is a great personal observation. You are being honest with yourself so don't beat yourself up when you notice it happening. Be especially kind to yourself while you're figuring it out. Getting mad at yourself for getting mad or procrastinating just makes these strong negative feelings last that much longer.

It's ok to slow things down. It's ok to take longer than others to finish the degree. Give yourself time to figure out how to manage studies and self care at the same time. Talk to a school advisor about your options. You don't have to fire through the program and lose yourself in the process. Your mental integrity is key to success so keep it your top priority. All spiritual guides advise you have to save yourself first. Only then you can truly help others. You are already doing great things by aiming for an advanced degree and trying to help others. Go easy on yourself during this time.

Cut toxic people out of your life. Just don't even deal with them. You and your husband can be the island of sanity you have always wanted. It takes work and the bulk of it is communication and building routines together that are both reassuring and flexible with change.

If you feel you will get worse and eventually kill yourself, that is what will come to fruition. If you say "I'm salvageable, I have inner strength I can learn to master and I can create a life for myself", that is what will come to fruition. What's your mantra? Find a phrase that works for you and repeat it over and over. I am a Harry Potter fan and Dumbledore's darkness quote has gotten me through many things. It doesn't matter where you get your inspiration from, only that it has meaning for you.

We all have days where we see a task in front of us and feel like walking in front of a bus instead. It's the truth. And honestly if you ask me, people who say they never have thoughts like that are lying. The same people will say things like "shoot me in the face" when their manager has a fit about something. It's totally normal. So just treat it the same as avoidance or the tendency to want to run away when things get rough. Train yourself to go for walks, look out the window, look at art. Have both quality alone time and quality family time. We can't all go 90 miles an hour 24 hours a day. We're not all built that way and we weren't all raised by the same amazing parents who taught us how to be resilient. Resilience is one of those things we have to learn for ourselves when we don't have anyone to teach us growing up. What do we bounce back from quickly and what takes time? Notice when you need time. When you find something that refreshes you, take note of it. Add a page in your journal and put a sticky on it so it's easy to find. "Refreshing things I love." For me it's gym time, ice cream, dark chocolate and good movies. For you it's going to be something else. Put them high on your list of things to enjoy a couple times a week. Get them in regular rotation in your life.

Commit to therapy. All you have to do is go. If you don't like the first therapist you meet you DO NOT have to keep going to them. Say "thanks" and your'e done with them. Seriously, even if you don't like the sound of their voice, pick another one. You're paying, so you get to choose who you stick with. But keep going. Shop around. Would you prefer a male or female? Older or younger? Definitely of course should be a CBT therapist with family counseling and trauma, sexual abuse experience. Fully licensed. If they tell you to meditate, walk out. You need real advice.

Your husband driving you would be fantastic. If you have to drive yourself get there half an hour early so you have plenty of time to find parking and get in the building to the appropriate office, etc. In the meantime there are free, anonymous phone lines you can call to talk to 24/7.

Talk about your suicidal thoughts, when they usually occur and what they're related to. They are not going to lock you up unless you say you're going to do it after you leave today and that you have a plan. Then they'll Baker act you and you'll probably be in a clinic for a couple weeks. But would even that be worse than the alternative? It's not the end of the world to get help. There's no shame in finding out how to heal. It takes courage to even reach out here and you've already done that.

Sorry for rambling and I know this isn't going to cure you but I can feel the pain in your words and just couldn't help trying to offer something. Hang in there!

I highly recommend the book Stop Walking on Eggshells for a more in-depth understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder. My dad was possibly BPD, but went undiagnosed. This book really helped me understand his temper tantrums a lot more.

Like others have said, people with BPD are capable of love, but can also live in a duality between idolizing someone and hating someone. There is another book about BPD called I Hate You Don't Leave Me which discusses that aspect of BPD. Even while someone with BPD is having an episode of "splitting" and says that they hate you in reaction to a small disagreement, they're also deeply afraid of you abandoning them because they do still love you.

However, people with BPD can have very intense and destructive interpersonal relationships, especially with family who are much less likely to abandon them compared to a romantic partner. I have done years of therapy for PTSD from the daily abuse my dad gave me. There are still things I resent about him and the experiences I had growing up, even though he has passed away. Even if your mother loves you, like my father loved me, you still don't deserve to be treated poorly, and you don't have to forgive the past.

The healthiest thing you can do is to establish clear boundaries.

When you're rightfully upset by your mother being cruel to you, don't snap back with "you" statements like "You're so mean, you're a bitch, I can't believe you would treat your daughter this way, nobody likes you when you're like this." (These are hypothetical statements, please don't assume I mean this literally.) When "you" statements are used, they are critical and contemptuous, and usually garner a defensive and more extreme attack in response. You also don't make your feelings known, because they are hidden by insults.

Instead, use "I" statements to talk about your boundaries in first person. "I do not deserve to be yelled at and I need you to stop immediately." Then enforce them with consequences like, "If you continue to yell at me, I will not be coming to visit anymore, because I don't want or deserve to be treated this way." When "I" statements are used, the other person is less likely to feel attacked and criticized, and you make your feelings clearly known to the other person.

I hope that helps. Please continue to work on these emotions with your therapist. I think you're at the beginning of a huge breakthrough.

You are not a "miserable shitty person." How do I know? First, because there are very, very few truly "bad" people out there, a label I would reserve for those who commit murder and so forth. And second, if you really were a bad person, you wouldn't worry that you were one.

You are not a bad person. You have an illness.

But the difference between physical and mental illness, and why depression is so insidious, is because it attacks the underpinnings of our psyches. It makes us question ourselves at a fundamental level, as it is doing for you.

You are also in a very stressful time of life. You have just had a child, which plays havoc on your body, and your hormones are likely going all over the place. You have three kids, which is a handful. You are probably also not getting enough sleep.

Be kind to yourself. This isn't your fault.

If your psychiatrist isn't helping, try a different one. There is a matter of "fit" here and some approaches work better for some people.

If you have not looked into meditation and mindfulness practice, ask your doctor about that. This is a great place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286

I feel sad when I read this. I think that the way I would try and tackle the issue is to work on your beliefs towards people in positions of authority.

Example thought: "OMG i fucked up my boss is going to get mad at me and humiliate me in front of all my coworkers"

Question this thought:
What evidence (real facts) do I have that prove this will happen?

Worst case scenario:
If this happens, what will be the consequences? What does that say about me?

Beliefs you might recognize:

Self: "I'm a failure"
Others: "If I fail others will bully me and humiliate me"

After the event happened, lets say you turned in an assignment or did some project for your boss and you forgot to complete one small task and begin to panic and think that your boss will yell at you and your coworkers/friends will find out and they will make fun of you too

Instead, your boss realizes you forgot to complete the small task and privately pulls you into his office and tells you that you forgot to do one thing and if you could get it done.

You apologize and finish the task off.

In this way, you realize that not everybody in authority will abuse you.

Although, some will. And you may have bad experiences too. Take the above situation again but this time your boss said in front of your co-workers: "You piece of shit, you forgot to do this part"

You can say to yourself (positive self talk): "It's okay, I forgot. I'm only human and humans forget things. I can't be perfect. All I can do is my best and that's it" and you realize that your boss is being a jerk, maybe because of something completely unrelated to you. Maybe his wife is leaving him and hes super angry (not a valid excuse, but just some insight)

You must work on setting personal boundaries. For example, you demand that you must be talked to in a calm and respectful manner. If they don't agree then just cut them out of your life, you don't need to put up with that shit. Of course, if you need the job I would not tell your boss to fuck off right away, I'd try and line one up before you do a thing like that. Most likely it will not come to that.

Also you must find what you value and stand by them, no matter what anyone else thinks. I recommend thinking about this first what you stand for and then looking online for a list of them.

I'm super tired. I dont know if this is making sense or not.

Basic Idea: Expose yourself to your feared authority situations slowly, and realize that some people are jerks and some people are not.

A small first step is maybe just walking by your superior and seeing what you think will happen and what actually happens

Then you can make a small mistake and see what you think will happen and what actually happens

P.S. I've not read this book myself but I've heard that it is good.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1626252157/