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I'm sorry you're going through this.

You are very, very harsh on yourself. This is understandable, because like many people coming from an abusive home, you probably weren't talked to with love and kindness, so you could never learn to talk to yourself in a gentle, kind, respectful, loving way. Being this harsh with oneself is a telltale symptom of deep emotional wounds that need to heal. Please don't beat yourself up so much. You have accomplished a LOT. You have quit an abusive home where you grew up. This in itself is already quite amazing. You are independent, you have a job (however shitty). You pay your bills. You have gotten help, medications you need to function at this moment, and you've managed to not drink for a YEAR so that these medications could work correctly. This is huge. You have the persistence to show up at an AA meeting every Friday despite how hard things are. And yes, you have a bit of an internet addiction problem, because hell, you need SOMETHING to dull the pain, and yeah, it sucks, but there are so many addictions which are much worse. I'm not saying you should condone your surfing problem, but do give credit where credit is due. I know you say you "hate yourself so fucking much" at this moment, but this can change. You're not hate material ! This hate, it's not yours. This comes from your troubled childhood ; these hating, harsh, unkind voices, are not yours : they are your abusers'. In order to improve your life, including the internet issue, there are wounds that need to heal. The best way I know of is with the help of a compassionate, competent therapist (shop around ! Not all therapists are like this, and it really pays to take the time to find one you feel truly comfortable with). If this is too expensive or overwhelming at the moment, there are a couple of books that come to mind which may help you look at yourself in a different, kinder way. "In the realm of hungry ghosts", an amazing book about addiction by Gabor Maté comes to mind, and also maybe "Finding your own North Star" by Martha Beck. I'm sure there are many others.

You are very frustrated with your life at this moment, but clearly you haven't given up. You haven't "accepted" this life as your future. You need a couple more skills to advance (mostly about learning to manage your emotions, in my opinion) but you're getting close. Take a little break on the harsh, insulting self-talk for a while (it's not working very well anyway, is it ? ;) and let your frustrated, wounded self breathe a bit while you figure all this out. Make a little truce with yourself, if you will. Honestly, I think it's not going to be easy, but you have a fair chance of healing and moving closer to the life you would like to live. Take things one step at a time. Best luck to you.

Hey Renee,

Just realized we met on the forum already! That's a wonderful dream. I'm a software engineer so I totally understand how important NoSurf philosophy is for both learning how to become a software engineer and for actually excelling as one once you're out of school. Wishing you the best of luck and will keep following along with your progress journal! It's a great read so far (:

P.S: Read two books that you might really like! The first is called Programmers At Work. The second is The Healthy Programmer. Both are great!

Lol I can definitely see why you think I'm a promoter - but I am not.. I mean.. Unofficially I am a huge fan of Allen Carr's method as it free'd me from Alcohol and Cigarettes in the past - so ya know, I'm super psyched about the method being applied to Tech. That's all though.

Anyhow yeah - looks like it's only available in UK and I somehow got it on the US store for Kindle by some weird miracle.

Audible:
https://www.audible.com/pd/Smart-Phone-Dumb-Phone-Audiobook/1839402326

UK Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07WCQ6C42?ref=dbs_p2d_P_R_instant_delivery_T1

I recommend skipping the colors on the screen - go grayscale. Works pretty good for me, I'd definitely say I have felt a, although slight, relief in how much I'm "zucked" to my phone.

Here's a great read on this, the brain behind it is Tristan Harris. Amazing guy: he invented the concept of infinite scroll, now he works 100% with trying to get people less distracted. Love him.

Yeah, purpose is king. If you can decide - especially before you actually go on the internet - what you are going to be using it for it makes a world of difference.

Leads worked for me because I am a bit of a news/information addict. I like staying informed about things. I binged /r/worldnews and /r/futurology daily. But now I hardly check them at all. I ask my brother in law when I see him what the latest news is. He keeps me informed.

I found this idea corroborated by Tim Ferriss who wrote The Four Hour Work Week. He never checks the news or reads the paper. He finds he picks up all he needs from the people around him.

I like to imagine I am the president of the US. They never read the news because they are too important and can't waste their time on that. They have other people sift through the articles and find the the most important stuff. You can actually get your friends and coworkers to 'work' for you reading this stuff.

It makes your conversations more interesting too because when they are telling you something it's usually the first time you heard it. This helps one avoid conversations like:

• Did you hear about (important news event)
  
• Yeah
  
• That was crazy eh?
  
• Yeah
  
• Well, see ya later.
  
  
  Could you elaborate on your inner Kantian comment. I am interested in what you mean.
  

Well said, I agree with everything you say.


It irritates me that they use it and that I too, would once upon a time pull out my phone as well. Like you say I try not to blame them for it or bug them about it, nor do I dwell on it. I accept it and try to work around it. I’ve been reading and listening to audiobooks about acceptance, compassion and forgiveness and it’s really made me appreciate others. I’ve grown fond of The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World. I’ve always been kind-hearted to others, but I really took this (audio) book to heart and it’s really helped.

I still mindlessly browse the web neglecting my end term paper, but I’ve slowly picked up the piano and some meditation and yoga (despite being shit at it). When it comes to socializing with others though they are given my full attention, I usually leave my phone on night mode and I’ll only hear the phone ringing or buzzing if a relative or close friends calls. Text messages and email is always silent, but I want to hear the phone ringing in case something has happened (like you I don’t have any social media).

Reading books of course, it will greatly improve your ability to focus which has been really harmed by internet surfing. You may also work on improving some marketable skills, like programming, graphics design, etc., whatever you choose. To dive more into those topics I recommend you to read Cal Newport's books, especially Deep Work and Digital Minimalism, he also has interesting blog: calnewport.com/blog, old posts touch this topic in more depth. Another book that I would like to recommend you is The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains which will show you how damaging internet can be.

Adam Alter is a marketing and psychology professor at NYU's Stern School of Business.

On Amazon you can read through the first couple of pages (hover over the book cover and click 'look inside').

Even the creators of these apps and devices recognize the potential for addiction. Steve Jobs for example, didn't let his kids use an iPad. The Instagram founder said "there's always another hashtag".

Even the presence of a smartphone without it being used, just it by itself sitting there is enough to disrupt sociability.

I really recommend reading the introduction to this book, it's free!

I'll start part one when I buy it!

"Habits of a Happy Brain" gets into the nuts & bolts of how our brains get wired, and how to re-wire them. Part one deals with the four "happy chemicals" that our brains produce (including Dopamine!), and the "sad" chemical Cortisol.

Anyway, if you want, check out the Look Inside Intro at that humongous bookstore.

I've deleted a lot of porn and reduced Facebook to once a week. I felt I was being a pussy as well but what planted the idea to be more assertive was reading a book called "unfuck yourself" It helped me begin the reduction of porn and social media.

For me, music is fine but ill be deleting my reddit account at the end of the year, i feel it can put me in a bad mood, I used to hit up a political sub (hence the username) but after realizing how unhappy I was, I reduced the reddit subs I looked at and my YouTube sub count from 100 to 10.

Small steps but I'm feeling more positive and happier.

the book: https://www.amazon.com/Unfu-Yourself-Your-Head-into/dp/0062803832

Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alter

https://www.amazon.com/Irresistible-Addictive-Technology-Business-Keeping/dp/0735222843/ref=pd_sbs_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0735222843&pd_rd_r=X3SGTBSAGPBVP30B33TH&pd_rd_w=NbesO&pd_rd_wg=eMEbW&psc=1&refRID=X3SGTBSAGPBVP30B33TH

I asked myself the same question and decided to get something like this.

Mimics sunlight which isn't an annoying alarm or abrupt noise that wakes me up in annoyance.

Check out kenken. It's kind of like sodoku but requires you to do some basic math too.

My suggestion is to not give a f#$k on what others say regarding such decisions.

It's something you will need to get used to!

Regarding your mother, I believe that you should buy her this book:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/125019668X/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0

Space out https://www.amazon.com/Bored-Brilliant-Spacing-Productive-Creative/dp/1250124956

I can second what /u/greyrocks1 and /u/32486995 have commented already. Don't use the alarm clock on your smartphone. When I purchased a dedicated alarm clock it not only solved my problem of using my phone in bed at night after I set my alarm, it also prevented me from using it first thing in the morning because I no longer had to keep my phone directly next to my bed

I started with a simple sony alarm clock that I liked. It got the job done: Link

I've since upgraded to the Philips HF3520 and am loving it: Link

Yes, but usually Facebook instead of Reddit.

This book has been helpful for me. I’ve learned to face the uncomfortable feelings rather than avoid them. If depression/anxiety aren’t the things you’re dealing with there are other DBT books for other issues.

Copying a comment I made earlier today.

Everyone’s saying that the doctor’s wrong, and I get why. However, conquering depression, as a rule, does mean that you have to try despite how bleak things feel.

Know what’s empirically a good idea. I dont care if you shave, but shower once a day. Get your nutrients. People are in worse positions than you are and you should feel gratitude in that. Other practices are important too but a smidge unorthodox. Meditation is great and there is an app on iOS and Android called Waking Up that has made an enormous impact on countless people. If you cannot afford an account, they will make you an account for free and if after a year you can’t yet afford it, email them once more for another year of membership.

Email: [email protected]

Also, get an app that tracks your sleep. Android iOS

Do not forsake your sleep. It’s not cool. The middle class merely bought into it being “cool.” If you need some science here’s a book that knows its shit. If your depression is fucking you then get it on Audible with a free trial or listen, listen, listen. This is no small thing.

Forget your weight. Are you fat? So? Why does that matter? Americans are fat. I’m fat. Eat better. Smoothie. Try doing some exercises because it feels good to be limber or some cardio because your brain feels GREAT once you do. If your joints are fucked go swimming. Pay for a membership or use your school. They’re probably billing you to keep the lights on anyway.

Why do you think labeling yourself as a coward is a good thing? Genuinely, why? Even subconsciously, why? You have to choose to be better. The pills or this doctor will never ever fix your problems. Look, all of this was typed out in the bathroom. I’m on the can and I believe in you. And my ass hurts so im going to stop here, but I have more information and I will reply to you if you want to take this further. Ask your questions.