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u/casualcolloquialism · 2 pointsr/polyamory

So, first off, good for you for looking for advice and more information! I think a lot of parents (mine included) would complete write off your daughter's relationships. I'd recommend checking out More Than Two, which is a website dedicated to information and advice about polyamory and nonmonogamy. There's also a book by the same title that I highly recommend!

Many of the other posters have addressed the major concerns in the main body of your post, but I thought I'd take a stab at answering your questions from the edit. (Sorry it's so long...I [apparently] have a lot of opinions.)

Background on me: 25F, two partners - wife (25F, together 7 years) and boyfriend (29M, together 1 year), nonmonogamous for just over 3 years. Also I'm writing my Master's thesis on consensual nonmonogamy.

>where do you find the time to manage all of this?

God only knows. Like any relationship, I make time. Sometimes I have lots of time to give, sometimes less. Thoughtful planning and communication with everybody involved are the keys here.

>how can one of your bf not be jealous when you're lierally having sex in the room next to him?

Some people do get jealous (lots of people get jealous). Some people agree to keep their relationships completely separate, including keeping them out of the same house. Some people train themselves over time not to mind as much. Also in my opinion it's really important not to be rude - even with a non-romantic roommate loud sex at inopportune times is uncomfortable. Be considerate of everybody as much as possible.

>if you want children wouldn't they be seriously confused about having all these people in their life and also if you broke up with one partner wouldn't they suffer from not seeing them again?

A lot of kids grow up with more than two parents; for example step parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends of the family, etc. One of my friends' parents divorced and both got remarried before she was 5 years old and she talks a lot about how supported and loved she's always felt with four parents. Breakups and people coming and going are part of life - married monogamous parents divorce, single parents date and break up. Ultimately what I'm saying is this is no a uniquely polyamorous situation and kids from polyamorous families, according to studies like this one by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, grow up as well-adjusted and happy as their peers.

>when you stay with the couple you're dating don't you feel less important to them as they have dated each other for so long and love each other more and you could never be as important on any of them as their bf/gf is?

This is a common problem, actually. Some people decide polyamory is not for them after experiences like this. But in most cases where the relationship lasts it's because each person in the couple has an individual relationship with the third person. A shorter relationship doesn't mean less love by any means.

>aren't you scared that somebody you love will find somebody they love more and you'll be less important to them and that you''ll love them more than they love you?

Yes. Of course. This is a very human fear. But I trust my partners, love my partners, and communicate with my partners. Even if they do find someone else they love someday, I know that they won't stop loving me because their heart has grown to love someone else in addition to me. I don't need to put my relationship on the Love-o-Meter to determine who loves who more or enough because I am happy, comfortable, confident, and secure in my relationships.

>don't you ever feel like you care about one person more than the others?

To be honest, not really. I love my wife, my partner of 7 years. I also love my boyfriend, my partner of 1 year. The way I love them is different in a lot of ways because they are different people. It's not really a "less" or "more" kind of thing.

>when you fight with one of them do u feel like not putting a lot of effort in repairaing the relationship cause you have other partners and you feel like they understand you better and it's just now worth it to bother over one person?

No because I still love the partner I'm fighting with even though we're fighting. A fight doesn't stop me from loving them. Having another partner, though, gives me the chance to be comforted when I'm sad and be a sounding board when I'm confused or angry. It's kind of weird to cry in the arms of one partner because the other has made me sad, but it's also deeply comforting.

>when you broke up with one of your partner do u feel sad? And will ur other paryners confort you? And when ur partner break up with somebody do u ever feel happier cause u can have more time with them?

Of course I feel sad after a breakup! Just like I would be sad if any person who is deeply important to me left me life. But especially a loved partner, yes it hurts. Different people and partners react to breakups in different ways, but many partners are more worried about supporting and comforting their sad partner than being happy at the cause of their sadness.

>do u feel like one of ur relationship can't progress anymore cause maybe you are already married or living with somebody and ur other partners can't move in?

Sometimes. Yeah. And this is why it's important to communicate. Some people are very happy having relationships on different "levels" and they never have a need to get married or move in together. But if that does become important, all the partners need to work and talk together to come to a solution that works for everybody. Easier said than done, of course. But vital.

>AND THE MOST IMPORTANT: do you ever get that feeling when you love somebody so much that it feels like your love for them is consuming u and you need them like air to breath, and you never ever just want to be apart for them cause you just feel like you've became one thing with them and you're just not able to live without them? If u do how can u deal with the fact that it is time for ur partner to spend time with somebody else or the fact that they may feel like this toward another person?

YES! Oh god it's like how much I love them is crushing me but also making me fly? At the same time? And the most amazing thing is being able to celebrate that with another partner! My boyfriend adores my relationship with my wife because we complete each other in a beautifully unique way. No couple spends all their time together, it's unhealthy. They work, they have hobbies, they have friends. So spending time away from each other, be it one of those things or with another partner, is a part of a relationship and one that a couple can learn to navigate together. It can be hard (super hard, so hard, oh my god it is HARD!!!) but it is exhilarating when it works out.

u/CandLinPC · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Hopefully I'll give a bit of a different perspective here. First, I'm a male dating a female who is married to a male, so I have some experience with this. I completely understand where you're coming from here. Your emotions about this can be changed with a few important, albeit tough, decisions from you.

Right now, your "mental programming" is in a space of jealousy, no matter whether is light or heavy jealousy, you're still feeling somewhat possessive of your BF. Think of it this way: It's your birthday. You get a birthday cake. Are you going to keep it all for yourself, or are you going to share that delicious cake with everyone who is at your party? This is a bit of an obvious one, you want to share the good thing in your life with the friends you have here at your party. Now let's narrow that down a bit. You have an awesome guy that you can call "boyfriend", and you get to share that awesome experience with someone who thinks he's awesome too. You two have something in common; you both think this guy is awesome.

First, pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. This is a great manual to all of the feelings and communication you need.

And especially since we're in the Poly subreddit, I'm surprised that more people haven't pointed you towards compersion. First, you need to become comfortable with your poly/mono situation. The rest of this will never work out until you do. Next, you need to find some solidarity/love/like with your metamour (your BF's GF). You would ideally consider her a friend, or at least find solidarity in the fact that you both love and care for this man. At that point, you may start to feel, as many friends do, like giving a gift to your friend. How about the gift of getting your communal boy all riled up? The caveat here is that you have to genuinely have the thought of giving behind your actions. You can't say to yourself that "He's having sex with you, but I'm the one he's thinking about". Thats kind of shitty. You have to genuinely be giving about the situation.

A recent example of my own from this week: GF and I don't get much time together because of conflicting work schedules, so maybe 2-4 hours together twice a week. Her husband works at home, and is on the phone a lot, so sex is kind of troublesome to schedule. We go out shopping or some such for an hour or so, and when we get back we get some cuddling in. (We're both champion cuddlers and need like 30 mins a day of good solid loving cuddles.) When we kiss goodbye, I'll sometimes give her a small orgasm by playing with her, and then intentionally send her to her husband to get some playtime. And he and I are on the same level about this thing. She gets worked up and I have to leave, so he takes over and they have a great time. Yes, I orchestrated that, but I'm not throwing him a bone, I'm genuinely giving a gift to both of them.

In closing, it will take time, but if you are committed to being a good partner to a poly person, you may want to consider intentionally working to create compersion in your relationship.

Sorry for the novella, lol. :)

u/smidgenpidgeon · 15 pointsr/polyamory

Try to be confident in your decision. I know you want your mother's approval, but your own approval is more important. That confidence will tell her, who can likely read you better than anyone else on the planet, more than anything you can say or write.

I am sure the idea of poly took time to make sense for you, it will likely take longer for your mom to get comfortable with the idea. She will likely gain comfort from seeing you and your partner(s) interact lovingly rather than any amount of logic by text or phone.

You may want to send her a copy of this too:

The author has books on polyamorus families also if that is the direction you folks are headed.

I am happy for you and wish you folks the very best of luck. <3

u/Malechus · 6 pointsr/polyamory

As with any other relationship issue, the key here is honest, forthright communication. Talk to your partner, let her know how you feel, and see how she feels.

You said she has an exclusive sexual interest in you, and that may be the case, but I wouldn't count on it. That's one of those little white lies mono people tell each other but it's almost never true. Talk to her, and more importantly, work to create a safe space for both of you to express your feelings honestly without recrimination.

You are also faced with a pretty difficult choice, OP. You're 18. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't have to commit to anything for the rest of it, not to your girlfriend, and not to any one relationship style. What I recommend is deciding what you want, and then asking for it. Do you want to be non-monogamous with or without her? Do you want to be non-monogamous but only if it doesn't mean you have to break up? Think about that ahead of having conversations with her so you know the answer when she asks.

There are three really good books you should read on the subject: The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Opening Up. TES is a great guide to the world of non-monogamy, and all the different ways you can do it, and how. More Than Two is a very practical handbook for poly relationships, and includes a wealth of information on how to maintain your own boundaries and respect your partners, and conduct your relationship ethically. Opening Up specifically focuses on the challenges of and skills necessary to open an existing relationship, and does not just focus on polyamory but also swinging and other forms of non-monogamy.

Best of luck to you and yours, OP!

u/slapchoppin · 8 pointsr/polyamory

A couple of things from my experience:

- I wouldn't necessarily say she's gone full poly. I would more categorize her reactions as NRE. And as such, if you look through that lense then her excitement and overwhelm for experiencing something new with someone else.
- Jealousy/envy/inadequacy is so is something we normally deal with in relationships in general. Often people new to open relationships will create a prescriptive hierarchical relationship structure to protect against that or to limit what their partners can and can't to do to ensure our positions of importance are maintained in the relationship.
- Mistakes will be made when opening up your relationship. That doesn't mean it's damaged or that it needs to be thrown out. But you also have to consider that new agreements are being created and a paradigm shift is being made. In that transition you and she (and other partners and metamours) will all make mistakes. Have room for these and keep an open channel of communication, compassion, and trust for the people you love and want in your life. Holding mistakes over people's heads will only further complicate the issue.
- Did she cheat on you? I would be hard pressed to see it that way, but I get where you're coming from. Again, I'd invite you to look at it a different way: You both established the ability for each other to explore sexually with others, but your perception of her current situation is that she's creating a poly relationship. I don't that she's doing that but rather, as mentioned above, is experiencing NRE and expressing it that way. For me, when I first started non-monogamy my experience when connecting with others was love... until I continued to distinguish for myself that this wasn't love but rather NRE.
- Some people experience being polyamorous, while others in the in relationship might not. My current nesting partner isn't polyamorous but IS non-monogamous. I'm polyamorous. So although the conversation for you both will evolve to developing long-term meaningful love emotions for others, that doesn't mean you're both REQUIRED to do that. Equal but not necessarily even.

I always recommend people new to non-monogamy read A Smart Girl's Guide as a way to help get a full picture on what you want from a non-mongamous relationship. I also recommend you and your partner read it together and work through the exercises.

I also recommend the following podcasts to listen to. Again, listening to them together or apart but then discussing together has always made a difference in the relationships I'm building with people.

- New Relationship Energy (NRE)

- Basics of Boundaries, Rules, Agreements, and Boundaries

- Relationship Hierarchy

- Relationship Anarchy 101, Relationship Anarchist Cookbook

Good luck and update us when you can.

u/2in_the_bush · 8 pointsr/polyamory

Pleasure to speak with you (both). I'm a 32M and bisexual myself. I have had to navigate this same obstacle course with my life-partner and believe me, you are going about it way better than I did. The trick to opening up a LTR is to be selfless at every turn, and in doing so, your personal wants usually get met. If you are both giving towards each other, and you both genuinely want the other to have every positive life experience you can possibly have, then your hearts are in the right place. Feeling a sense of joy that your love is getting to enjoy something wonderful, even if it doesn't involve you is known as compersion. It is kind of the opposite of jealousy. It is also an emotion you can learn to have. Example: If you guys do find the right woman to bring home, and the two ladies are going at it, husband can either tell himself "this is happening because I am inadequate" or, he can say "this is happening because I want my wife to be happy, and I am so adequate that I am able to give her this happiness". Feelings of jealousy that sneak into the situation can be labeled correctly as relics of your childhood conditioning. There is nothing that can't be unlearned, or relearned.

I highly recommend you get some reading done on the subject. My personal bible has been The Ethical Slut. This book will help you guys navigate the complicated waters of polyamory and open relationships. It will validate much of what you're already doing, and alert you to pitfalls that you probably haven't even considered.

As someone who has had more than one partner for about a year and a half now, I am amazed and overjoyed that life-partners can do this for one another. I don't want to oversell this lifestyle because it's not for everyone. But if it is for you, well then, congratu-fucking-lations. You're in for a treat. Many of them in fact ;-)

u/mysexypolypervyacct · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

u/RissaWasTaken · 3 pointsr/polyamory

You know how people say you should only try to quit smoking or lose weight if it's something you want to do for yourself, otherwise it won't take? Sure, you might be able to cut back for a while or drop a few pounds, until that super stressful day or holiday buffet comes along.

The reason "they" say that is simple: eventually, if your heart wasn't in it to begin with, you'll find a reason to go back to your old habits.

I'm all for broadening one's horizons and exploring new sides of yourself - and I firmly believe that not everyone who thinks they couldn't do it is right. However, "trying out" polyamory with so many barriers in your way from the start could be seriously harmful to your current relationship, future relationships, and your core self.

There absolutely ARE ways to "get over" almost all of that, but it is a long, arduous, often painful process. And the best way to start is with wanting to change - or at least explore the possibility of changing - those things about yourself which would prevent polyamory from being a positive influence on your life: possessive jealousy, competition, viewing love as a pie chart, potentially codependence, and any others not listed in your OP.

/u/alc6379 is correct: "Only problem with trying polyamory first is there's so much at stake..." IMO, you have to be not just curious what all the hoopla's about, you need to be honestly wanting to seek out polyamory for its own merits in your life, which means you have to think it has merit for you.

It's totally possible to go from "I could never do that" to "This is amazing, even if it isn't how I originally thought things would go", but that won't happen just because other people have made it work for them. Poly - like monogamy - isn't for everyone, and that's ok.

I would recommend picking up a few published books as primers and see how you feel after reading them: The Ethical Slut, Open, and Opening Up are some of the key introductory references most people crack open first.

Whatever you guys choose, I wish you the best of luck!

u/litui · 7 pointsr/polyamory

I'm pretty new to poly and am the lurker mentioned in one of the other comments =D.

I'd encountered people with a poly lifestyle in the past, but had never considered it to be appealing until just recently. I spent the past few months figuring out my jealousy triggers and working through my baggage. A switch flipped in my head while reading The Ethical Slut and I'm suddenly pretty open to possibilities.

I'm pretty sure I've always repressed my feelings/flirting/desires around other people than my relationship partner before out of a sense that this was expected of me as a show of faithfulness. I never allowed myself to consider additional relationships before so there's a feeling of liberation that comes with my personal epiphany.

I'm an IT professional currently working as a support analyst at a software company. I consider myself to be pretty smart, but I really enjoy being surrounded by coworkers smarter than myself. It gives me a refreshing challenge.

My main subreddits at the moment include /r/cigars, /r/guns, /r/sysadmin, and /r/polyamory.

I occasionally look silly, stylish, taller than I am, skeptical, or out of my era.

I haven't decided what I'm looking for in new partners yet really, but I'm comfortable with that for the moment.

Good to meet you all.

edit: Admittedly, I forgot the "where" too. Alberta, Canada.

u/HeloRising · 2 pointsr/polyamory

One of two things is probably going to happen.

Scenario One: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "Really!? Me too!"

Scenario Two: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "WTF!? Why don't you love me anymore!?"

The fact that an open relationship and sex with others has been brought up without the sky falling in is a good sign but partners can sometimes get into a situation where they smile and nod at something, hoping it's just a phase and you'll forget about it after a while.

Real talk; you need to accept the fact that it may turn out that what the two of you want and are comfortable with is different and ultimately incompatible. I'm not saying that's what will happen but it's a possibility you need to be prepared for so you're not blindsided.

Before you talk to her, you need to get a handle on how you feel and start learning some of the language to talk about poly and the associated emotions. Kimchi Cuddles is a pretty low intensity look at the poly world through a humorous angle and it's actually written by a person who is poly so the perspectives and language in it come from a place of knowledge. You can also save comics that address particular problems or have discussions in them that resonate particularly strongly for you.

Beyond that, there's Hardy and Easton's Ethical Slut which is (and should be) a standard issue "Welcome to poly!" book and Deborah Anapol's book Polyamory in the 21st Century.

Both texts aren't flawless, I have irks with both as do many others but for someone looking to get a toe-hold they're pretty good.

I'd recommend starting with Kimchi Cuddles, then moving on to Ethical Slut. Polyamory in the 21st Century is optional but more in-depth.

The important thing is to talk with your partner now. Make them aware that you're thinking about this kind of stuff so they don't get blindsided later on when you've been reading and thinking for a month with them completely unaware. Maybe look for more concrete responses to the idea of an open relationship.

Unless you get the second scenario, there's going to be some hurt. It's extremely difficult to avoid. You just have to keep stressing that this isn't because of a failure on her part and that you still love and care for her.

u/MoonRide303 · 5 pointsr/polyamory

If you look at meta as added value for your partner, something that simply increases his happiness, and know it's nothing against relationship between you both - you should be fine :). Both of you are in that happy position that you mutually care about each other, respect your freedom, and don't try to enforce or forbid anything. In my opinion it's absolutely wonderful way to love another person, so... just enjoy what you have :).

If you're looking for a good quick read specifically about jealousy, there's an excerpt from More Than Two separately published as Polyamory and Jealousy - quick read, 30 pages, definitively worth looking at. But I'd recommend getting MTT, too - it covers wide range of mechanics and situations you might encounter when being close more than 1 partner. You can find useful tips about building healthy hierarchical relationships there, too.

u/SapientSlut · 11 pointsr/polyamory

pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut. Read it. It's basically a 101 guide to "what is this poly thing, how do people do it, where could I fit in with it"... there are a ton of other books on the subject (I've heard "Opening Up" is good), but that's the one that I know and love, and where I've drawn most of my inspiration for my poly relationship (almost 3 years now ^_^)

It's difficult to say everything that needs to be said in a concise way to someone who is just starting out, but I do want to say that you are in a great starting place - knowing that you love your wife, and this is something that you would like to know more about... that's better than a lot of couples looking to open up (or members of a couple). She trusted you enough to open up about her feelings rather than go behind your back and cheat to fulfill these desires... all of this is a good place to be

u/WhiteTigerZimri · 5 pointsr/polyamory

I highly recommend "Deeper Dating" by Ken Page as he describes this phenomenon exactly. He calls it "the wave of distancing" and says it often happens in relationships that are actually good for us. He writes more about it in Chapter 9, 'The Saboteurs of New Love":

>"In my years as a psychotherapist, dater, friend and learning partner, I've come to believe that one phenomenon has destroyed more potentially great relationships than any other single factor. I call this phenomenon the Wave of Distancing (or simply, "The Wave") The wave occurs when you push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth.
>... What does this phenomenon look like in dating? You're dating someone caring and available, and there has been at least a spark of attraction for you. And yet:
>You can't find the sense of affection and desire you once had
>You keep getting irritated at him or bored by him
>Her flaws make you quickly lose respect for her, even if you don't show it
>You start yearning for the excitement of the hunt
>You feel like a fraud, pretending you're interested when you just don't feel it any more
>... This widespread phenomenon has huge implications for our romantic lives. If we can't navigate the Wave, we'll keep going after the wrong people and passing the right ones by. Our lack of training in managing the Wave has doomed countless good relationships." (Page 171)

I highly recommend getting this book and reading the rest of this chapter for more info! Also like another commenter said, 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is worth checking out. It's not perfect as it's a bit simplistic (it doesn't go into much detail about Fearful-Avoidant people) but still would be relevant to your experience. I found these excerpts from that book were helpful:

>"Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure and obsessive - only to feel elated every once in a while - tell yourself that this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. "Still waters run deep" is a good way of characterising it.
>... The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don't let emotional unavailability turn you on."

u/Tolingar · 5 pointsr/polyamory

It sounds to me that your GF might have impossible standards for communication from you. That no matter what you do you are going to do it wrong because the real problem is not with your communication but her not wanting to hear it.

There is two parts to communication. There is the communication of information and the reception of information. All your effort has been focused on your ability to communicate information to your GF, but it sounds like the real problem might lie in your GF's willingness to receive the information. You already know that your anxiety of communicating information to her is rational. For your communication to ever be effective she is going to have to do her part of it as well.

Most of the time when communication fails all the people in the conversation are at fault.

She needs to take an active role in your communication, and not just blame you when it fails. She has to create a safe place for you to communicate in by encouraging communication and not punishing it. She does this by asking question and engaging in the conversation. She does this by using active listening. She does this by using non-aggressive, non-defensive, non-confrontational language when she engages in the conversation.

I would highly recommend that both of you pick up a copy of these two books and read them, in this order:

The Usual Error - This is a foundational book on communication. It will cover some basics.

Nonviolent Communication - this book describes an advanced communication technique that will help both of you use better language to communicate without becoming defensive or confrontational in your communication.

u/izjustsayin · 2 pointsr/polyamory

I'm sorry, I am not seeing the questions in your post. What questions do you have? How do you communicate what you want with your wife?

If that is the case, then I think the best way to communicate with her is for you both to explore the idea of poly/open relationships and have frank discussions about what you both want out of opening your relationship, what agreements you will have about outside relationships, what kind of poly you want to do (anything goes, polyfidelity, don't ask don't tell, etc.). Get "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino
and read it together. It explains different types of open relationships and gives examples. Other people like "The Ethical Slut but I found "Opening Up" to be more helpful when I started my poly relationships.

Everyone does poly differently and what works for your friends may not work for you and your wife. You must be flexible and open to communicating A LOT. Sounds like you are very honest and open with each other already, and that's a good step. I don't think the infidelity necessarily means that you'll fail at poly. A lot of people actually end up poly after infidelity because they realize that monogamy isn't what they want.

If you have more specific questions, I'm happy to answer them...but I'll need you to be a little more specific about what you're looking for. :)

u/GutterMaiden · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I began identifying as being poly when I realized that, when I try it, monogamy simply does not work for me, and ... strangely, the relationships that do work for me, are with other people who are interested in a poly or poly like relationship dynamic. This doesn't mean when I meet people I think are cute I ask them about being poly and that effects whether or not I want to date them, it just happens to be that I meet people who are I think are cute and we start dating and then they talk to me about being poly. I guess I just have good polydar?

To me, being poly is really fucking hard, but being monogamous is even harder.

When I was in highschool, I had a huge crush on a girl, who had a crush on me. Then I met a boy, who I developed a huge crush on, who also had a crush on me, and also had a crush on the girl I had a crush on. The solution seemed so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how no one else could see it. Nothing came of this because I was a big wuss in high school.

This girl sounds like kind of a jerk, but I think you know that, You should read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.

Some types of polyamory don't work for some people. For example, I loath being a part of a hierarchy, no matter where I am on the totem pole - but it makes sense when one couple has children together or life goals. I would never get involved in that at this point in my life. In my past relationship, I felt secure knowing my partner loved me in a completely different way than her other partner, I valued the type of love she had for me more than the type of love she had for her other partner, but I didn't need or want her to rate it.

u/m1rv · 1 pointr/polyamory

> than done, but I have a suggestion that may help overall, if you have the ability of truly follow through with it. First off, I know that the forces at work in you are going to be pretty compulsive that you may not be able to contain them, and that no matter what you do, you may find that you jealous energy may blot out all else…BUT…First off, you really should step up the sweet nothings. I have read posts on many poly message boards from women who have primary partners who have forgotten to bring the special things that they used to when the relationship was new. Leave her some little notes to find; in her sock drawer, in the pocket of her coat. Just simple, supportive, loving notes. Let her know that you can see that you have been a bit neglectful, and that you care. Second—and this one may be completely unattainable:

I love that he's touching on the vicious & self feeding cycle of fighting. There's a point in there where all the good things stop, because both sides are at war with each other trying to stake their claim and be heard - eventually there's a point where neither side will step back to let the other speak first.

I definitely try to remove the sides. I hear others talk about removing the the I & Me...making it "we" instead. In situations like these blame only holds people back. My one note, is you are not a punching bag, you are simply trying to listen to the other person first ... you need to let them know, "I am trying something different and going to listen & hear to your concerns first - but we can not be done until you have listened and heard mine too."

The book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is very well thought out. Check his website first, if you like it get the book ... its money well spent.

u/squisheekittee · 2 pointsr/polyamory

In my experience rules aren’t a great idea. If a partner breaks the rules it hurts & you get upset, even if it shouldn’t be a big deal. My primary partner & I agreed to some safety protocols (using condoms, regular testing, etc), & that’s about it. We do give each other a heads up when we’re going on dates, but I’m pretty forgetful & will usually go “omg I forgot to tell you I went on a date last Wednesday!” & my partner goes “cool thanks for telling me” then makes fun of me for forgetting. As for sex & stuff, it’s kind of a dont-ask-don’t-tell situation. My partner sometimes asks about dates & how they went, but he doesn’t want to know too many details. I don’t ask about his sex life outside our relationship because I know he doesn’t like to talk about it & I respect his privacy.

I do recommend the book opening up , & I know there’s some others about ethical non-monogamy that are supposed to be good, but that’s the only one I’ve read.

u/FeralQueen · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I'm sorry, it sounds like they didn't handle or honor your feelings like they could/should have, and trust me when I say that you deserve to have your feelings recognized and cherished! Even the dark and painful ones.

You absolutely have every right to feel what you do, no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. It sounds like this was a very toxic and one-sided relationship, and you deserve far more care and recognition than that!

If you haven't already, please read The Secondary's Bill of Rights here, and I've heard that the book, More Than Two outlines a lot of ways that communication in polyamory (and relationships in general) can go wrong.

You can download the kindle app for PC free onto your computer (or even read books from your browser), and read books from there.

Some people can't handle sharing, and when they can't handle sharing AND can't handle communicating this in a direct and healthy manner, things get ugly. Fast.

Please believe me when I say that you did nothing wrong in falling in love, or in being hurt when that love was denied you. From what you said it sounds like you tried to be the best and most supportive person you could in your circumstances, and You can own your feelings without shame. It also sounds like you need a BUTT-TON of self love and self care right now, so draw yourself lots and lots of bubble baths and eat all the comfort food you want and wear your comfiest socks whenever you want. Period.

hugs I know things are hard for you and maybe these words are little comfort, but please take care of yourself, and know that you definitely deserve better from the people in your life, poly or whatever.

u/mamanoley · 2 pointsr/polyamory

It really is quite hard to ease people into the idea. I've learned with time that I am a polyamorist and the best way to share that lifestyle with someone I'm interested in is to tell them when I'm first getting to know them. I don't say, "Hi, I'm a polyamorist!" -- some people don't have any idea what that even means. (And sometimes coming from a strictly sexual angle can confuse the partner as well.) Polyamorism is not about sex but about personal freedom and accepting people's boundaries with understanding and compassion. With that as a basis, being open to multiple partners or allowing multiple intimate connections to form just comes naturally. Telling someone these beliefs a little while into your already assumed monogamous relationship may cause insecurity issues and could be harder for her to sincerely identify with. If she reddits you guys can scan through this sub together and she can get a lot of questions answered or you can get her one of my favorite books "The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures" . This way you're helping her to explore your beliefs and values rather than just expecting her to understand or possible shutting her out. Keep your head up and keep trying and you will know what to do!

u/PropitiousPanda · 2 pointsr/polyamory

In addition to all of the lovely advice in here, I would have to recommend the book Nonviolent Communication as well. That book has been fantastic in solidifying my relationships with my SOs as well as my close friends. The way it teaches you to think about, identify, and talk about your feeling and wants and needs has really helped whenever I am having trouble with any sort of complicated emotion like jealousy. Jealousy is really a mixture of other emotions, so if you can identify what underlying emotions are the cause, communicate them (feel like you are heard as well; especially if they mirror them back like the book helps with), and ask for what you need... then ask them for the same. Using the tools in the books has really made me feel like less of a crazy person when I am getting emotions I don't want or don't expect because it helps me remember to analyze where they are coming from and talk to my SOs about it. Best of luck!

u/not-a-jerk · 1 pointr/polyamory

Firstly, pop down to your local library, ask around with your friends, or otherwise obtain a copy of The Ethical Slut, which is an excellent handbook to non-monogamous relationships. It goes into a lot of discussion about managing jealousy, setting boundaries and expectations, and all the other things you're going to need for a successfully non-monogamous relationship.

One of the mainstays of any poly relationship is communication. You'll want lots of it. Talk through scenarios with your partner. What happens if you meet someone at a bar? What if one of you has an existing friend you're interested in? Are you looking to just have casual experiences with other people? What happens if those things get more serious?

If you decide to go through with this, then rather than picking up randoms, I'd suggest considering using OkCupid or a similar site. You both make profiles, you both mention each other in your profiles, and you both be very clear about what you're looking for. If you happen to click with someone who's already used to non-monogamous relationships, and has a good understanding of jealousy and communication, then it will hopefully ease the conversion a little.

In any case, I really do recommend The Ethical Slut, as it will give you lots of things to talk about, and you can decide if you really do want to open up your relationship.

Good luck!

TL;DR Read The Ethical Slut.

u/kmc_v3 · 9 pointsr/polyamory

That is really exciting! Good luck :)

I have a variety of experiences I could share but I'm not sure what's relevant so I'll give some general advice first. Probably the most important thing is to communicate openly about your needs, desires, and boundaries. Especially the two of you who are already in a relationship. If you start to experience negative feelings about the situation, don't hide that on account of thinking you "shouldn't" feel that way. When you talk it through with a partner you can often find a way to work through those emotions.

Make sure you agree ahead of time, before the opportunity presents itself, about any limits on sex with others, and especially about safer sex practices. If you do end up having sex with him, either individually or as a threesome, it'd be good for you and your girlfriend to check in after the fact and talk about how you feel.

There are some books you could read such as The Ethical Slut or More Than Two as well as a lot of podcasts and blogs.

Remember, there's no one right way to do it. You really get to choose your own adventure together, which is part of what makes poly so awesome!

u/Archsys · 1 pointr/polyamory

> Is it actually possible to care deeply for two different people on an emotional level?

You already do, and have said as much in this very post.

The question, now, is what to do with that.

I recommend honesty, and, if you're interested in the lifestyle and the world around it, reading something like "The Ethical Slut" (if you dig books) ir Kimchi Cuddles (If you prefer Webcomics).

I wish you the best of luck!

u/AnneOR · 1 pointr/polyamory

"My BF has been really supportive to the extent that he can, but I can tell he's getting frustrated."

If this is the case 4-5 months in and you aren't both actively desiring and glad to work out this out odds aren't that good. That's my advice mono or poly. If him supporting you to get help = yes you're wrong, go get fixed in therapy, I support it cause I think when you're all better you'll agree with me and stop being wrong? I believe it takes two people working as a team to make a relationship thrive.

On a side note, this book was recommend down my polycule chain, and widely read among us, and it might do you some good in the subject of your reassurance seeking attachment style

u/GamesatDawn · 1 pointr/polyamory

I've been through that process. Communication is key - you really need to discuss both the large and small issues before you start looking for partners. Veto power, scheduling, boundaries, etc. are all important to establish ahead of time. I suggest that you both review materials that are out there together. I've found More Than Two and the book "Opening Up" to be the best resources for the situation you are in. "Opening Up" will also help you better understand what type of relationship will meet your needs (swinging, polyamory, triads, etc.).

Everyone's experience with open relationships is unique, and what is right is what works for you (within some ethical and consensual limits). That being said, I do encourage you to read up on unicorn hunting, as some of the power dynamics can make for a frustrating and upsetting balance, especially if it is your first experience with poly. Most people have a better experience focusing on individual relationships and seeing if something more, like a triad, can grow out of that.

The primary/secondary style of relationships is quite common and works well for many people, particularly if your secondary partner already has a primary partner. Again, you need to communicate clearly with your partner want your needs and boundaries are. You also need to discuss whether you are comfortable re-evaluating those boundaries over time, as relationships often grow and change in ways we don't anticipate.

u/SokeiKodora · 1 pointr/polyamory

On communication:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It focuses on the idea that people both communicate and read intention of love from others in different ways, both verbally and nonverbally. The idea is similar to those personality types things (like Meyers-Briggs and whatnot) where if you can identify how you and your partners each best give & receive affection, everyone can better communicate that affection in a meaningful way. From a poly perspective, applying this concept can help find ways to make limited time with partners more fulfilling for each person involved. (Just ignore/skip past the author's insistence on just one man + one woman in the side chapters.)

u/happenstanz · 9 pointsr/polyamory

Sign up for Okcupid.

Here are some tips for writing your profile.

Answer the questions, particularly the ones that involve agreeing with ethical non-monogamy.

Use chrome, and install this add-on, which will tell fairly accurately if a person is polyamorous by nature or not.

Wait. Hold up. We're getting ahead of ourselves here. Have you read any books give advice on how to navigate becoming polyamorous?

If not check out The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

When you're looking for ethically non-mono guys, be aware there are some mono men who say they are down for it but will inevitably cause drama or back out at some point down the road (either when they want to get serious or when you find another partner you connect with).

It's a good idea to ask about their experience being non-mono. Also, ask what kind of rules they might expect to put in place for their partners (hint, it's kind of a trick question).

There are plenty of caring, communicative, and loving men out there looking for poly ladies but it may take some time to figure out the process and learn exactly what type of situation you want to be a part of. Good luck.

u/Polyexperiment · 11 pointsr/polyamory

I am not equipped to help you out here because a lot of what you're saying doesn't sound like a good enough situation to be voluntarily testing the breaking points for a relationship on top of it all. There's a lot of tension in your lives that you might want to resolve a bit first. If you're open to it - actually, really, open to it, you both need to talk about it and all of the issues you've got already and how to resolve those as well as mediate your insecurities and boundaries.

One thing though:

>I don’t want to demand that he only see someone else x days a week cause that’s kinda shitty

This isn't, by any means, a one size fits all relationship style - it's fairly anarchic. You get to make your own rules. Especially to start, it sounds like you are going to need a lot of extra attention paid to you to reaffirm that your bond is strong and you feel special. He needs to be there to do that and he should want to because he loves you and wants you to be happy too. Ensuring that you have appropriate time for each other is absolutely key.

My wife and I have rules about how many dates per week are appropriate because we want to ensure that neither of us feels neglected by the other. We want to make sure we both feel special and loved and enjoy all that new relationship energy and intimacy with others without guilt or worry.

That's what's great about all this - you can tailor your relationship to fit your desires and needs. But it's work.

Do yourself a favor and check out these resources:

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

The Ethical Slut

and this one that I just discovered and is awesomely helpful for dealing with jealousy (which you are like 99% guaranteed to feel):
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola

Don't go into this lightly or on a whim, please communicate with each other and ensure that this is what you want. You can go forward, but you cannot go back the way you came and assume you'll end up where you started.

u/SensualAva · 1 pointr/polyamory

I'm so glad it helped. I'm adding my collection of poly resources, there are several podcasts. Not all will apply to you, but keeping a long list is better than trying to give specifics.

Poly Resources

Common Terms used:

A Guide To Hunting Unicorns: By A Unicorn

couples privilege

10 rules for good Polyamory

The Polyamorist Next Door

If you're a straight man this book is supposed to be decent:
Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women (Thorntree Fundamentals)

Poly Weekly


Erotic Awakening: (kink and poly podcast)

Loving without Boundaries

events list:

u/[deleted] · 1 pointr/polyamory

The cool thing about poly is that you have the chance to create a completely custom relationship. You can be ace and still have loving relationships that include romantic feelings, cuddling, hugs and kisses, but don't involve sex. All you have to do is be up-front about your asexuality and negotiate it into your relationship dynamic/model. It's totally cool that you get a custom car and want the cloth seats instead of the leather if it fits you better, you know?

As an aside, pick up the book More Than Two. It's a great guide on the ethics and decisions involved in polyamory

u/invisime · 7 pointsr/polyamory

When I was new to poly, I found reading to be one of the best ways to level up my comprehension / modeling of what was "right" or "wrong" about how I was going about things. If this describes how you learn, let me recommend More Than Two. Btw, those scare quotes are because I don't endorse judge-y moralizing when it comes to how people live their lives.

That said, I think More Than Two does incredibly good job of emphasizing that ethical non-monogamy (of any flavor) should be respectful of the humanity of the humans involved. By that, I mean things like respecting the autonomy / agency of each individual involved. Relationships (monogamous or otherwise) can be messy beasts. The important things are for people to show compassion and understanding to one another, to meet them where they are, to listen with a sense of curiosity about each other's perspective, to not take other people's emotions personally.

It sounds like you've already had a great time with this couple and quite possibly learned some things about yourselves as well. The good news is that means your relationship with them has already been a success! If there is room for further successes in your interactions with these humans, so much the better. If the most successful outcome from this point involves a loss of contact with them, that's a bit of a bummer, but there will be other interesting humans to occupy yourselves with in the future.

u/Veeks · 7 pointsr/polyamory

First and foremost, monogamy does not mean you will not feel desire for other women. You will always feel desire for other women - monogamy is the choice to not act on those desires.

That said, if you're thinking of looking into non-monogamy, that's awesome. Especially since you know it would make your girlfriend happy. Some recommended reading: Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. Also, give the Savage Lovecast a listen.

Think hard about how you cope with jealousy - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Think hard about how you'd manage your time - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Talk about what boundaries the two of you would have - can you have other relationships, or just sex outside the relationship? Find the guidelines and compromises that work for you two. Be willing to rework them once you try it and see what works and what doesn't for you two.

Do what makes you happy, and make sure your girlfriend is happy too. That's the bottom line.

u/Svennisen · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Depending on where you are in the country, or outside it :) There might be a bunch of poly happy hours/brunches etc. In my city we have several different poly groups that hosts happy hours and get togethers every week. I also host a polycurious book club that meet every month to discuss books and act as a support group.

Try looking online maybe if you can find anything, or if you know anyone that is poly maybe they know of some resources. If you are in the bay area, or NYC, hit me up :)

Also I definitely recommend reading some books if you guys haven't already.
A good place to start is Opening Up

u/ouchiesdublin · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Okcupid and fetlife are good places to contact people. There are quite a few people on both sites open to multiple partners, just use it as a couple rather than as an individual and be quite straightforward about what you're looking for. Remember, though, no-one likes to feel like they are just being used for sex, as a third or otherwise, so try to approach it in the same way you would ordinary dating, more or less.

Now, on to the trickier pragmatics. Poly doesn't work for everyone. You have to be ridiculously upfront, honest and open. Jealousy may rear its ugly head; that's normal. The trick is how you handle it. I would seriously recommend you get yourself some kind of poly primer and read it together before you delve any further. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up are good places to start. Good luck! And at the risk of sounding like Jerry Springer, be good to each other.

u/chasingthewiz · 1 pointr/polyamory

Start by reading the /r/polyamory FAQ if you haven't yet.

There are many good books out there, and reading any of these will help fill in a lot of blanks for you:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships

Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!

If you like listening to podcasts, there are a couple good ones I follow: Multiamory Podcast and Polyamory Weekly.

Go slow, read lots, and follow your heart.

u/Maldoror1869 · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Since your partner is a straight male, you should both check out this blog post and this book about nonmonogamy for men who are into women.

You should also both be aware that some of your rules are going to make it extremely difficult for him to find additional partners, especially the prohibition on partners coming to your apartment and the financial restrictions. Those will likely be deal-breakers for many polyamorous women, who want at least the option to go on a vacation with a partner or go to his place (which would preferably be his own place, and not the apartment he shares with you, but I guess you two maintaining separate living quarters is out of the question). Also, are other men allowed to spend money on you, buy you expensive gifts, or go on vacation with you? If so, you may want to re-examine why you're ok with this double-standard, and if your partner is.

I see that you edited your initial post and removed the part where you said "our relationship comes first." However, if you still believe that inside, be aware that that will also limit your partner's chances of finding someone. Many polyamorous women won't settle for such a clear hierarchical demarcation. Read up on "couple privilege" and try to move away from that line of thinking. Your partners' other partners are people, too, and you need to fully accept that his relationships with them are as serious and important as your relationship with him.

Finally, if your partner actually used the word "cuck" then he needs to drastically change his way of thinking about women, relationships, and the world in general, before trying to date.

u/ClaytonRayG · 1 pointr/polyamory

Alright, so most older books you can get on Amazon for rather cheap. I buy used because I'm a cheapskate and don't mind waiting for shipping.

A few of the books I've enjoyed. (In recommended order)

u/silverspork · 0 pointsr/polyamory

This is a first time thing for you, I get that. These conversations aren't easy to start, but they get easier with time and practice. If it helps, you might try writing down what you want to say ahead of time - this gives you time to really examine your feelings and what you're wanting to say.

You might want to look into the book Nonviolent Communication. Silly title, but it has some really good ideas and techniques for effective communication.

u/Uncle_Iroh_Loves_You · 1 pointr/polyamory

Agreed. This is a totally foreign subject for you and it is one regarding identity, this isn't a preference that someone decides they are Poly. It's about learning who each person is, not a choice. If this is really who she is she likely has a lot of exploring to do as well. Me (poly) and my partner(mono) are going through Opening up by Tristan Taormino. It has a lot of good questions for everyone, monogamous or otherwise, to figure out how each persons desires. In this case it will help you bring you towards answers about what your needs are what hers are and how to start to navigate them responsibly.

If she rushes things, best guess is that it is bad news. If she loves you she will take plenty of time. You can wait two days for amazon to deliver the book before diving into a conversation you are so unfamiliar with.

u/rooktakesqueen · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Here's the standard reading list! The Ethical Slut and Opening Up. They can be useful in many ways: giving you vocabulary to express things you might not have the words for at the moment, giving you exercises you can do to help you get past some of the jealousy and possession issues that almost always crop up, and providing advice on things to watch out for and hurdles you might have to face.

Oh, and they're just more evidence that you aren't alone, or even all that unusual. :)

u/spyke2006 · 1 pointr/polyamory

In addition to what other people have commented, not only are all poly relationships different, but the ones with a specifically D/s type of relationship dynamic get particularly complex. And frequently from personal experience, the one girl/boy from your example is not always the dominant in that type of configuration. Nor would them BEING the most dominant one necessarily make them the happiest just because they have 2 submissive partners. If you are leaning not only towards a poly relationship style but also towards a power exchange type relationship, in addition to the typical books that people recommend on here i would also recommend Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic

u/potator · 9 pointsr/polyamory

Hi guys. The Ethical Slut is certainly the cannon for polyamorists, but my favorite book on the subject has been Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Be safe, have fun.

u/umbricat · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Have you been doing any reading? Sometimes reading some more perspectives and guides can really help you deal with your own feelings and look at why you feel the way you do.

Some of the most-recommended books I've seen are:

If you just want someone to tell you who is right in your situation with your partner, nobody here is going to be able to help. Different people take different lengths of time to adjust to things, and different relationships need to progress at different speeds. Don't be too hard on yourself (or her) and make sure you keep communication open. :)

u/melanerpes · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Relationships change. All of them. Being able to accept that and go with the flow of life is much easier than trying to keep things the same. In my experience, the best antidote to fear and jealousy is self esteem and confidence. Whether a partner no longer wants what I have to offer or is temporarily in the throes of NRE, I have to focus on what I enjoy doing. It's not easy sometimes but accepting and trusting my partners' choices is very important. Reading More than Two helped me a lot with these issues of personal agency.

u/anonuk1234 · 1 pointr/polyamory

Thanks very much for your reply. Its appreciated.

I'm assuming by limiting, you mean that either myself or the other partners in the relationship are likely to want to continue to explore other partners? If not, could you expand on that.

Thank you very much for the book ideas!! I had never thought about reading into this (other than via Google), and will definitely pop them on my Kindle. (Off topic, the paperback version is apparently £1399.00 from Amazon - - must be a damn good read!!).

u/Ophelia_Bliss · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Are you familiar with the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment? I just got it myself and it's been recommended pretty highly. I'm also a bit anxious, and I've heard it's really useful in understanding where that comes from and how we can manage it.

And, yeah, I totally hear you on feeling different when your partner ends the date. My long distance boyfriend and I send text each other when our dates are done, to check in and say hello. This is important for us both, though I think for different reasons. You might find it helpful, too?

u/overand · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Good luck!

To sound like a bot - I really suggest you all read the BASIC FAQ and INTRO stuff at

And if you're into books, some options include:

u/wrapped_in_roses · 1 pointr/polyamory

Thanks, yes, I'm very familiar with the attachment stuff. I have read that book! There's also this:

There are definitely two different things happening: I have emotional problems that have followed me across all relationships, so that is stuff I want to work on regardless of this or any relationship.

And then there is the issue of him sharing the work of getting along better. I think it's common for men to look at emotional women as "the problem" and to pawn off responsibility for any conflicts on that.

I have asked him to see my therapist with me at some point, and part of what I will be bringing up is how to work on shared responsibility-taking in the relationship.

u/Joman0024 · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Yes! This is a huge concept so hats off to the OP for this discovery.

Dedeker Winston (co-host of MULTIAMORY podcast and author) discusses this a lot in her book The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

u/DacianaElliot · 5 pointsr/polyamory

Also, this is that jealously workbook.

It's actually very helpful to identify what's causing your jealously and how to address it. Especially for new poly people. <3 best of luck OP! Your desire to work on yourself is admirable!

u/manamachine · 1 pointr/polyamory

I was you until a couple years ago. For me it was a slow rationalization that brought me over, and now I can't imagine going back. Poly just makes more sense to me.

I'd encourage you to read as much as you can. There are a lot of resources available (websites, books, even webcomics) that can help challenge and validate some of your thinking.

Some resources:

More Than Two

The Ethical Slut

Kimchi Cuddles

u/Takver87 · 1 pointr/polyamory

So, a blogger I like just shared some advertising for this.
Thought this might be interesting for you:

(Disclaimer that I haven't read the book and thus can't really vouch for it.)

[When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous] (

u/agiganticpanda · 1 pointr/polyamory

Highly suggested reading:
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory:

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships:

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up:

Game Changer: A Memoir of Disruptive Love:

u/Cottontail_ · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Ugh. There is a reason we say "ethical non-monogamy". Cheating, not telling you, then thrusting you into an open marriage when it's not what you want is totally unethical and a super duper jerk move in my book.

I feel for you. And I can be empathetic towards her. Perhaps she only recently has come to accept that she isn't heterosexual, maybe she's dealt with a lot of sex and slut shaming growing up, and she hasn't been honest with her emotions. And I can see a reality where she just kinda exploded in a messy way and didn't know how to navigate this lovingly in a way that made you feel safe.

The way that this came up is completely devastating and you are valid to have your hurts, loss of trust, and fears.

But I still wanna smack the back of her hands. Bad wife, bad!

That being said...

There are a number of ways for you guys to explore non-monogamy if you'd like. Swinging, "open while traveling", poly, etc. She did open the door the for you guys to communicate about what you want and how to grow together, and that is awesome.

You may want to read

u/flux365 · 1 pointr/polyamory

> Skye said that she wouldn't do that because she believes that it would hurt me and was quite upset at the prospect even though I assured her that I wouldn't mind at all.

Before you do anything you need to make sure without a doubt that she doesn't believe it will hurt you anymore. Read The Ethical Slut. Once you do, have her read it. If the idea of non-monogamy or polyamory isn't for her after you both read the book then that's that. Some people are made to be monogamous. It doesn't sound like that's her case, so I think the book will help.

Also, please report back with an update. I'm interested to hear how this turns out, considering that they sound like they're already ready to go (or at least Melita does).

u/new2polyandlost · 1 pointr/polyamory

Also, read this:

It will give you some good guidelines on how to make it safe for the person you are bringing into your relationship. It's short, to the point, and a great read.

u/searedscallops · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Wrestling with jealousy (or any other complex emotion) is something that often requires daily (or hourly) practice. You don't just do the thing once and boom, you're cured. It's something that takes work every single day.

For more support: and More Than Two in book format, which is amazing!

EDIT: Also surrounding yourself with poly people can be HUGELY beneficial. Most cities list their meetup events on

u/Jean-Charles_G · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Friends told me More than two is a great book :-)

u/homebrewnerd · 1 pointr/polyamory

I agree with everything you said, but polyamory isn't for everyone, nor is being gay. Perhaps point this gentleman to some literature which explains the poly ethos so the OP is sure he's informed about what he's getting into? If he says he's willing to wait it sounds like he doesn't understand what OP is really asking for, or doesn't believe her and thinks he can convince her otherwise (as you said). He just might not be the right person for the poly model. The usual reading, Ethical Slut and Sex at Dawn would probably suffice.

u/mocodity · 3 pointsr/polyamory

I'm gonna recommend this book:

It's about a married couple where the wife, Jenny (the writer of the book), has a "higher" sex drive than her husband and they open up their marriage, though her husband is less interested in finding other independent partners. It's a good read and it might give you some perspective on the dynamic.

u/gringo-gaijin · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I think it depends on what your partners love languages are. Feed each one of your partners what they need to feel loved, and they will feel fulfilled and special.

u/PeteMichaud · 11 pointsr/polyamory

I'll be the voice of dissent here and suggest that you try it. What do you have to lose? You're young and thinking of leaving the relationship anyway. If you try it--really try it--and it doesn't work out, then you'll leave the relationship. It's a wash.

Polyamory is fucking scary, but it may pay dividends. I suggest you read this book with your SO:

Good luck!

u/VerucaBlind · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Here's the Amazon link.

/u/kikicollins, I would say that it gives some insight into the types of attachment but at times it really does feel like it's making avoidant types out to be the bad (typically) guy. They tell several stories about a person that is dating an avoidant and don't care much about them but instead follow the path of the non-avoidant. It's like, hey, avoidants need love too!

u/ormula · 6 pointsr/polyamory

Obligatory link:

And, a recommended book:

I think you're going to have a very hard time finding a submissive stoner poly bisexual woman to join a triad. Have you considered possibly both of you trying to find women that satisfy needs you guys have, separately? It would be much easier to find a stoner woman for your SO to foster a relationship with, and then you go to local kink events and start building relationships with submissive women. Do you feel like it has to all be the same person?

I will also say that it sounds like you're both almost too busy for each other as it is-- adding more people in will not make you less busy!

u/ColGraves · 3 pointsr/polyamory

When someone you love is polyamorous by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff

OhMori mentioned this just before me. I'm providing a link. I'd suggest reading it before you hand it to you're parents or friends. This lets you be familiar with the framework of the book on how it explains poly and will help you to further explain to you're loved ones if they still have questions. You will likely understand this better than they will so this wont solve all questions but is a starting point.

u/not_margaret · 6 pointsr/polyamory

The Ethical Slut is helpful, but if you'd like to open an existing relationship, Opening Up is much more helpful, in my opinion.

u/kodemizer · 1 pointr/polyamory

There's a lot of good advice here. One thing no-one has mentioned is resources for you and your husband to learn more about polyamory. The number one resource you should get is The Ethical Slut ( You should read it and so should your husband.

I'm sure others might have additional recommendations.

u/liber_pater · 2 pointsr/polyamory

In addition to the books you recommended, I would add "Nonviolent Communication". It has been a huge help in improving the communication between me and my fiancée.

u/donnademuertos · 3 pointsr/polyamory


The book is very cis het and has some subtly religious aspects as well as old school gender role leanings, but it's an interesting read and helps some people figure out the things they need in relationships (I'm a quality time and words person, not so much into gifts or acts of service).

u/lickmyplum · 8 pointsr/polyamory

The playing field is even if everyone is getting their needs met. Not everyone in the relationship has the same needs or history, so some agreements about time/titles/etc. might be asymmetrical, but still "fair". You should all read The Ethical Slut if you already haven't. It might help everyone navigate this road a little easier.

u/concertjunkie6 · 1 pointr/polyamory

a GREAT book that goes into Poly and may even help dispel or put into place a lot of fears, is a book called "More than Two."

Reading about multiple perspectives, scenarios, and well presented material helped me tremendously in understanding how poly plays into relationships. Can't recommend this book enough.

u/ThunderMountain · 7 pointsr/polyamory

You’ve already done a service by explaining to him some reasons behind the break-up. At this point it’s more important to take care of yourself.

You should seek professional help for the self harm, but also checkout the book, “feeling good” the new mood therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. Amazon has a feel sample

Also heres an episode of the Multiamory podcast directly related to break-up that I’ve found very helpful myself.

70 - Polyamorous Breakups

u/Sunflowerfield1 · 2 pointsr/polyamory

It sounds like you have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style. Don't blame yourself for being "selfish" just because you feel jealousy and anxiety - self-blame doesn't help things. You need to have self-compassion to heal and work through this. Remember, you didn't choose your attachment style. It's something that's hardwired into our brains in the first two years of life.

I'd recommend checking out "Insecure in Love" by Leslie Becker-Phelps for more help:

u/Veteran4Peace · 3 pointsr/polyamory
u/reasonweb · 1 pointr/polyamory

Might I suggest reading "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan? I think that will help with what I'm perceiving as you having some outdated notions of the differences between male and female sexuality. But to be quickly specific you need to make sure you understand that the benefits and pitfalls you would be getting from polyamory would be EXACTLY the same as those of your girlfriend.

Link: Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships

u/nearly_almost · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Yup, I'm gonna say he's probably avoidantly attached. Check out the book Attached I found it really helpful/illuminating (

Also, with my last avoidantly attached partner I will say that - and this took me a long time to unpack - I also felt like it was hard to talk to him about concerns I had and that if I did he would push me away. I do not feel like this with my current partner. So it's important to ask yourself whether this is due to your insecurities or whether your partner makes you feel safe enough to talk about your concerns. If it's just you, then you have some work to do. If however you just don't feel safe discussing negative feelings or concerns about the relationship itself, then you definitely need to talk to your partner about how you're feeling. And honestly, bringing it up sooner will be easier in the long run.

u/the_privateer · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Keep in mind that being poly is not just about having sex, and definitely not about just having sex with strangers.
You can be poly and never end up in bed with a strange person. Or even never be in a threesome

A good start is to get educated. Check out - it may clear up some misconceptions for you. There's also faq in the sidebar.

u/alan7388p · 1 pointr/polyamory

Ditto that about More Than Two. But if you'd prefer an excellent short book, here's Cunning Minx's Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory (Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up).

u/thebardingreen · 2 pointsr/polyamory

This is a good one. It's an autobiographical account of a woman discovering she needs to be open and working with her husband for him to be OK with that and make it happen. It has a lot of things people coming from a mono background can relate to.

u/Owy2001 · 25 pointsr/polyamory

What I would recommend to you is to give More Than Two a read.

Polyamory can be amazing and rewarding. But as a married couple, you have to be careful not to turn into "unicorn hunters." Understand anyone that enters your relationships is an individual with their own wants and needs, rather than a missing "piece" for your relationship. I'm not saying you would do this (after all, I don't know you!) but it's sadly common. Many secondaries end up feeling like their feelings get trampled over in the name of "protecting the established relationship."

u/yeslets · 3 pointsr/polyamory

You can't resolve it any more than you already have. The only way out is through. It sounds like it might be time for you to start dating more seriously and start learning with your partner how to navigate this next part of your lives together.

Communicate well with him and try not to get too caught up in NRE (or at least remember to bring home the good parts and let it rub off on your relationship with him).

If you're looking for resources, check out More than Two (and maybe Opening Up).

u/ArcaneShrine · 3 pointsr/polyamory

I don't have any great advice, just wanted to offer my sympathy and support. I was in your position and broke up our two-year triad about six months ago. (In case you want to "sympathy read", you can find out more here:

It was difficult before as a triad, and continues to be really difficult in many ways as a V because of scheduling, but I'm hanging in there.

One resource that might help is the Jealousy Workbook. Don't just buy and read it, though. Make yourself do the exercises. Maybe buy a little notebook or something and decorate it, specifically for that purpose.

It's not just about how to deal with "jealousy" but also talks about how to communicate with your partner about these types of issues, AND it gives a LOT of supporting examples.


u/AReaver · 1 pointr/polyamory

If you're a reader there are some good books out there for this. The one I always see recommended first is Opening Up.

u/sallysimply · 1 pointr/polyamory

Oh, and I would add that I didn't read all of Ethical Slut, but in general I preferred Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. I would suggest reading up on open relationships in general because it'll help you approach them and the feelings that arise from a different place.