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Great motivation, but motivation is temporary. Discipline lasts.

First thing is to realize that NOBODY conquers addiction on their own. You need allies, and you need tools. Nobody, no matter how strong, can beat addiction through will power alone.


r/pornfree is great, but the community is too big to provide quality support to every one of us. It's a first stop on your journey, sort of a lobby that will eventually lead you to a room where you actually find support. You need to find an accountability partner or group. This can be someone in real life, or someone you meet here. You can ask around, or even start your own subreddit. Taking the responsibility of starting a group will give you a ton of motivation.


Beyond that, here are some things I strongly recommend:


Come clean to someone in real life. What happens on the internet has a way of staying on the internet, it's part of the reason this addiction is so hard to get over. You need to feel this addiction in real life if you want real healing. And the whole point of overcoming porn addiction is to participate in real life more! Why not start now? 


Build a long-term recovery plan. Here is an awesome post detailing the elements of a successful plan. Here is my plan as an example.


Figure out your three circles. This is an exercise that helps you set boundaries for yourself. Here is a worksheet that pretty much explains it all, plus it includes a link to a Wikipedia article that goes into more detail.


Get a journal app that reminds you to make an entry every day. Journal your urges, your victories, your setbacks, etc. Your journal is a safe space to release your emotions and talk yourself through things. I also journal about gratitude and things like that, and it builds positivity.


Report your urges to an accountability partner while they are still happening. The best way to stop an urge is to talk about it in the present tense.


Mark your victories and milestones by finding a healthy way to celebrate. I made these colored popsicle sticks to mark each major milestone, and I carry them in my wallet like AA chips. It's a stupid popsicle stick, but it works for me. And if you are going into a high-trigger situation, like a trip to the beach, plan ahead of time to indulge in some healthy form of self-care as a reward for good behavior (like buying a new outfit, or taking some time to listen to your favorite music).


Speaking of self-care, make a plan to do nice things for yourself that do not threaten your recovery. What those things are will depend on what you enjoy, but put some thought into it, and plan ahead, or it will be too easy to reach for the unhealthy reward of porn.


Go outside more. I don't know why this is important, but it is. It's just good for your brain. And it doesn't have to be a week long camping trip in the Redwoods to do the trick. Walking out on the balcony of your apartment, breathing some fresh air, and looking at the half-dead flowers on your neighbor's porch is better than nothing.


Join a recovery program. Some are free, some cost money. Some cover multiple addictions, others are focused on porn. Here are just a few:


Smart Recovery


Recovered Man


Fortify


Fight the New Drug


Recovery Nation


Covenant Eyes


Facing the Shadow


Last of all, accept that addiction is never over. There is no "cure" for this. Lots of people labor under the delusion that if they can make it to 90 days, that's it, they're free. Many of those people will relapse on day 91. When you are addicted to porn, your brain rewires itself to make watching porn very easy, and avoiding porn very hard. You can break out of that loop, and if you do, the brain will begin to heal. By avoiding porn and all related behaviors, you can starve the neural pathways that led you to porn. But they will never completely die.


Good luck! PM me if you want to talk more.

For your first point. Are you actually interested in knowing? There are ways to increase your attractiveness, without becoming an entirely different person, and other than being:

• in shape
  
• respectful
  
• affectionate
  
  These aren’t BAD qualities, but I wouldn’t say they lead to attraction.
  
  Attraction is an emotion. It requires a bit of push/pull in your interactions with her.
  
  Examples of “pull”:
  
  
• Being affectionate
  
• cuddling
  
• kissing
  
• asking about her day
  
• doing things to make her life easier (making her coffee, helping her with something around the house)
  
  Examples of “push”:
  
  
• Tease her about silly things to make her laugh
  
• Do things that improve YOUR life and support your life’s mission
  
• Let her come to you when she’s busy
  
• Tell her what she can do to help make things better for your relationship.
  
• find something enjoyable to do on your own
  
  In the pull examples only she may feel overly secure in the relationship. This can lead to boredom and apathy. Mixing in a little push is good for both of you. Right now she’s all push and you’re all pull and the balance is off.
  
  You should both find balance with that, but if you start it will initiate better balance for her as well.
  
  Also check out this book (seriously!):
  https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges-ebook/dp/B004A8ZWM4 (if you google it you can find a free pdf version).

ninja edit: Gender pronouns may be off. I'm female.

When you imagine having sex to masturbate, what are you "doing" in it, exactly? Try to focus on what is getting you to fulfillment rather than how.

The person you are making love to in your imagination might have a different voice or hair color each time... but emotionally, it's the same person each time isn't it? This person (whether spoken in the fantasy or not) is deeply committed to you, and you to him / her. The act in your imagination is full of love and enjoyment. You imagine sharing and learning with him, pleasing him, and he enjoys pleasing you. Do you often orgasm at the thought of your fantasy love crying out your name as she/he orgasms?

Conversely, how often are your fantasies based solely around your enjoyment? Or things where you are enjoying it but the other person isn't. Or where there is more than you two involved. It's one thing to imagine having sex at work in a quiet room where there's the potential to get caught. It's completely different than imagining a third actually watching. Or hurting or forcing the other and they aren't into it.

Read God Loves Sex. Sex is an act of holy communion between spouses. Desiring it with a spouse is not a sin. We are sexual creatures. Even babies masturbate in the womb.

1. Talked to your wife about what is going on. https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/9gtc9h/just_confessed_9_points_for_telling_your/
   
2. Find a support group. You need something more personal than this sub. SAA meetings is a good place to start and they have phone in meetings. https://saa-recovery.org/meetings/
   
3. Consider trying therapy again. $350 is pretty steep. There are a lot out there for around $100 per hour. Still not cheap but is money well spent in the beginning especially. Find one who specializes in sex addiction.
   
4. Setup up covenant eyes on all of your devices and get an accountability partner who will get the reports.
   
5. Start making recovery priority number one in your life for the time being. Facing the Shadow is a great workbook as well as Recovery Nation. Haven't got through all of them but very pleased so far.
   
6. Start working a recovery plan. Start with the goal of going one week porn free. Setup a consequence and a reward. Identify threats you might encounter and action plans to mitigate risk. Good podcast on setting up your plan. https://recoveredman.com/107-back-2-basics-the-7-day-porn-free-plan/
   
7. Believe that you can do this. Thousands have already walked the path you are about to and have been successful. You can do this to.
   
   The path to recovery isn't necessarily complicated but is hard work.
   
   Best of luck to you.

NTA!
I am old as dirt, and I have dump some pretty sucky lovers over my life time. But I have also had some amazing love making sessions that I can close my eyes right now and re-imagine the sensuality and feelings I experienced. They were few and far between, and not always with the "love" of my life, but it's those memories you make that give you that special smile that make your grankids wonder...LOL!

This addiction is just as potent as a meth addiction. It's that hard to quit. The best way to find recovery and sobriety is to attack it from several fronts. I am going to give you a hugo huge list of ways to go at this. My guy used them all. He has been sober as a judge for the last 4 years. He has been a sexahoilic for 54 years. If he can do it..YOU and every one else here can do it!

First try to see a CSAT counsler, a specialist in addiction therapy, for both the addict and the partner of the addict. Having someone explain the intricacies of the disease, how it effects the brain, and what it takes to beat it is they only way to understand what you both are faced with. https://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/

A recovery treatment center: http://www.lifestarnetwork.com/

Here is a good article about 12 step programs, it talks about AA and drug programs, but sexaholism is right there with them: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2018/08/24/to-ben-affleck-and-other-addicts-heres-my-message-to-from-one-alcoholic-to-another.html

There are 12 step SAA meetings to control the habit https://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/UnitedStates/

On-line here is a recovery worksheet: https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-recovery-toolbox/
On-line program for the SA: https://www.drglover.com/tpi-university/sons-of-ulysses.html

There are S-Anon meetings for the partners or family members of addicts. http://www.sanon.org/find-a-meeting/s-anon-meeting-locations-united-states/
OR SLAA https://slaafws.org/
Facebbok page: recovering spouses of sex addicts
Facebookpage: S-ANON

Also do a little reading, get the book Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes. It will give you a real life view of what a sexaholic faces on the road to recovery.
Another good book: https://www.amazon.com/What-Can-Do-About-Me-ebook/dp/B00AVBERGG

If you want to block XXX sites from your computer Here is a simple way to do so: https://cleanbrowsing.org/for-adults
Or this is considered the best: K9 Web Protection: http://www1.k9webprotection.com
another way to blocking porn on your computer:
https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/9ueez4/a_comprehensive_guide_to_blocking_porn_on_your/

Here is an app for your phone: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.androidapp.watchme

Here is a good resource for learning about stopping this in in your life. https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/2mfxyi/concrete_tips_for_staying_away_from_porn/

Here is a reddit sub for addicts r/pornfree
Podcasts: https://recoveredman.com/category/pfr/
on-line Magazine for addicts: The Fix https://www.thefix.com/search/site/porn?page=11
Porn Reboot: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbqaPKeiNW6R6LECHwQkRug
Hypnosis for porn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmpwZf5Rono

Good Luck!
Keep coming back, it works when you work it, and your worth it..so work it!

First, let's take a deep breath in and smile :)

Have you considered getting therapy for porn addiction? I am about to start mine and feel excited about it.


> The lack of time.. to do anything. The lack of energy & waning motivation makes me an unreliable idiot to everyone around me. The need to develop the necessary skills for my career is simply postponed... deemed unnecessary by my addiction. The addiction has a brain of its own, has its own ulterior goals that heavily contradict where I want to be. That's the pathetic situation it gets me in.
>

You have really nice hobbies. I urge you to continue to do them.
Even I recently started reading (actually just listening to audio-books while traveling on the bus), and that has helped changed my outlook towards life. It has made me smarter, more enthusiastic, more introspective.

If you can find just 10 min/day, I highly recommend you to read the book Getting stuff done. Once you do that, I promise that you will have lot more time in life, and would be able to read more books like the power of habit, GTD etc..

And I must mention this podcast episode on motivation that changed my life.

Sorry for bombarding you with all these resources. If you find just one useful thing among all of this, then all this would have served its purpose.

It all starts with just a small step, so good luck!

I encourage you both to read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.

For you: you'll learn that he isn't entirely himself now. Don't take it personally, he may be madly in love with you, that's just his body craving for dopamine like any other addict. Don't try and please him to climax, it will just be counterproductive. Ejaculation has a cool-down phase of around 2 weeks which affects mood, reasoning etc.

For him: he'll learn that he isn't entirely himself now. There is a bright side to it: he can now discover a whole world about relationships and love.

You are an awesome human being by supporting him like this. Keep grinding but don't lose yourself.

Be happy 🙏

Sexuality is actually pretty complex and the idea that people neatly fit into social categories like "heterosexual" and "homosexual" is quite strange if you think about and research the matter. I think you are making a lot of assumptions about what it feels or looks like to be bisexual (or have dual sexual attraction) and this is causing you a lot of confusion and obsession. The obsessive doubt and fear absolutely plays a major role in the gay or bisexual experience of being in the closet or not having fully come to terms with your self and desires.

I think what you should do is see a therapist or psychologist with a sex background. They will be able to provide you with information and evidence that will allow you to contextualize your thoughts and feelings. Part of it is probably related to the porn but part of it is likely not, and you will probably benefit from having things disentangled and laid out for you. I think what you're mainly suffering from right now is confusion due to lack of knowledge. I suggest you spend some time researching the biology and psychology of sexual attraction.

Here is a site I've found helpful:

An article you might find interesting or relatable: https://www.thecut.com/2017/02/how-straight-men-explain-their-same-sex-encounters.html

A really interesting book about internet porn and sexual desire: https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877

Google talk of aforementioned book: https://youtu.be/p-A8GvUehq4

Great list, OP. Burns provides insights and guidance in both "Feeling Good" and "The Feeling Good Handbook". I'm a little over half-way through the Handbook. Doing the work, the exercises, is key.

If I may suggest, browse through "The Six Pillars" by Nathaniel Branden. The final work, in Appendix B, is a 31-week long series of sentence completions that are incredibly helpful in many aspects of life, including addictions.

Cool. It really changed how I approach sex for the better. If you like his writing at all you should also check out The Way of the Superior Man by the same author. It has some stuff about sex but it's mostly about how to live as a man in the modern world. I reread it every few months or so. It's phenomenal. Good luck to you!

DON'T STOP CUDDLING! Make it your mission to do some type of physical contact loving every day. With that out of the way...

I go to a support group that preaches a 90 day cooling off period of no sexual contact including him touching his own penis for any sort of good feeling. However, I don't subscribe to that. What I would recommend you check out is karezza. When I used porn it was a drive/a "need" that always led to ejaculation. With karezza the focus is on loving, nurturing and intimacy rather than orgasm.

My wife and I have been practicing this form of love making since April and I've only orgasmed twice in that time period (I did write "practicing"). We have intercourse much more frequently (once to twice a week vs. once every month or two), she enjoys the experience much more, I don't feel the let down from the endorphin rush, she does not experience pain from intercourse, it feels effortless and she describes it as feeling full or complete.

For more information I recommend checking out the mostly dead, but useful /r/karezza and the tedious, but informative book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. A word of recommendation; the intercourse positions described in that book really don't work for my wife and I.

It can be beneficial, but only if he also does nofap and you two are working back into an intimate relationship.

This booked really helped me see how my past hurt was intertwined with my addictions; most prominently was porn ofcourse, but also obsessive gaming, smoking weed, binge watching shows.

There is a lot of information in there, some of which you will find relevant and some not.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041

It seems like a cheesy self help book but I assure you it isn't. It's very well informed. All the best.

You may also be dealing with procrastination as well. I'd definitely recommend checking out The Now Habit. It's a pretty short book to help with it.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Now-Habit-Overcoming-Procrastination/dp/1585425524

So when I read that you wanted to fix this, the first thought was to recommend this book to you about betrayal trauma and the authors story. I think you will get al ot out of it. My wife read it and it really helped us. My heart goes out to you and I hope your husband can find the help he needs or wants. Good luck.

https://www.amazon.com/What-Can-Do-About-Me-ebook/dp/B00AVBERGG

Quit Facebook. Quit Instagram. Sure as fuck works.

I've been porn-free since mid-October last year except for one relapse day. You know what triggered that 70-day-streak-breaking relapse? Someone posted a picture of themselves in a bikini on Facebook.

I'm on my second longest streak now. I know now that facebook and instagram can lead to relapses and can lead to dopamine fixes that harm my recovery processes. Even after quitting facebook, you still have to face media or pictures everywhere on earth that may have nsfw or triggering content. The solution? Avert your eyes. Whenever you feel you're doing something for a dopamine rush, be mindful of that and be honest to yourself that that's why you're doing it. Once you're mindful, you'll automatically stop looking. It'll take some practice, but you'll get there.

Another thing that I read on a quit-facebook forum is that once you actively filter out the shit and noise on your facebook feed, it becomes really empty and really boring and you'll quit on your own because there's no constant novelty and click-bait. Maybe that'll help you abstain or even quit, should you choose to. Also, Read this book. It's an amazing read about internet addiction and how its affecting our cognition.

You don't desire yourself when you masturbate. It's virtually universal that when masturbating you imagine pleasing an imaginary partner who is committed to you in some way. Many times masturbation is filled with lust. Most of the time it's a desire for passionate, sexual, loving intimacy that drives the release. When porn's involved though it's practically guaranteed to not be the intimacy-driven type.

Christianity is not one of the religions that say masturbation is wrong. Many sects say it's wrong but not as a collective. Try reading God Loves Sex.

I've read a really interesting perspective on masturbation, porn, and fantasy in No More Mr. Nice Guy. Basically, the author's recommendation is to skip both fantasy and porn, and just focus on the pleasure that comes from ... well... pleasuring yourself. I'm not in a place to read that chapter in that book where that is recommended, so I can't offer any further advice, or the author's reasoning, but it might be worth it to check out the book.

I have had the same problem where I don't last long. I have started with longer amounts of foreplay. If I am going it and feel like i'm going to cum I will slow down or go back to a bit of foreplay. I read a great book called slow sex, which talks a lot about how people are having fast food sex as I call it, When we were teenagers we had to get in and get it done, for fear that we would get caught. No that we are older most people still have sex like that. Try and slow things down. I will list the book below you can get it on amazon.

And tell your hubby good job on the 7 months that's incredible!

https://www.amazon.com/Slow-Sex-Craft-Female-Orgasm/dp/0446567183

by Nicole Daedone

Gary Wilson and Marnia Robinson are husband and wife.

For the record, I think OP's account of reuniting.info is very misguided and unreasonably harsh. I think the printed book version of her thoughts (Cupid's Poisoned Arrow) is very interesting, and my journey with seeking to remove porn from my life has evolved into a very in-depth exploration of Karezza and healing-based sex that has innocently included reading the book. I don't in any way feel as though Karezza is a cult, nor do I feel as though I've been coerced in any way. It's just a different way of looking at things—why someone would find things like this so inflammatory is more interesting to observe than it is scathing to Marnia's and Gary's reputation in my opinion.

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396943370&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

It might help, I don't know

This guys blog has helped me a ton! Arguably as much as /r/NoFap and /r/pornfree. Other great reads are The Demise of Guys ebook and I'm currently reading The Now Habit. I'm only like 1/8th of the way through TNH and I can tell you that it will for sure change the way you look at doing work and maintaining habits. Bold & Determined blog is good because it's just a no bullshit "grab your fuckin nuts and be it" kind of blog. Also the guy in that video Greg Plitt unfortunately died 3 days ago so RIP

I've added this: Doing the second week of sentence completion exercises from "The Six Pillars"

And doing less of this: Surfing mindlessly.

Why wait?

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/cr/0985063378/ref=mw_dp_cr

"But she'd said before she got drunk and slept with people to feel better, possibly escape her depression, so was similar to me."

Run.

Read this while you're at it: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_sp-atf_title_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395411259&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr.+nice+guy

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

By thinking about this too much, you make it unnecessarily complicated. If you aren't planning on marrying this woman (which sounds like an AWFUL idea) then get rid of her. It's easy to get complacent in life, especially with a partner and that can lead you to waste years of your life in a dead end situation. Break up, work on your issues, and then try again with someone else.

Hey, I study fetishism full-time, recently published a book about the psychology behind the cuckold fetish (and how to change), and run a website with the same aim. A lot of what you're saying is true, and I thought I'd elaborate and hopefully help someone in need of this.

>I believe that starts with self hatred and inadequacy

Yes. The cuckold fetish forms as a way to eroticize deep-rooted fears of inadequacy. By creating a scenario where you are made to feel as inadequate as possible, the brain turns this pain into pleasure as a masochistic defense mechanism. It forms around bad feelings about yourself; fears of not being good enough, and fears of infidelity.

>I strongly belive that our culture's obsession with pornography has artificially increased the popularity of these genres.

Porn addiction and the cuckold fetish share a root cause - bad feelings about yourself. That's actually the root cause of most addictions. Porn becomes a way to escape from those feelings, or to 'release' them - indulge in fleeting pleasure at the expense of the long term.

They're also both ways to deal with unmet needs, for acceptance, love, belonging, and more.


>The male instigator of the fetish is often hurt too! I couldn't count how many times I saw someone say "I think I made a massive mistake". It turns out this bizarre fetish, when actualised, made them feel absolutely awful.

YES! This is the most heartbreaking thing. I get emails like this and often hear from women who are looking for a solution for their husbands fetish. The fears and emotional pain that the cuckold fetish eroticizes is the idea that their girlfriend/wife secretly wants to have sex with someone else; that they're secretly very promiscuous and longing for a bigger, better man.

These fears and feelings are also created by porn. Porn can change your world view, to see women as sex objects, not as people but as things that other men have had sex with and will have sex with, and generally to focus on everything sexual at the expense of everything else. As I noted in a blog post: An evaluation of the effects of porn found that: “Changes include diminished trust in intimate partners, the abandonment of hopes for sexual exclusivity with partners, [and] evaluation of promiscuity as the natural state... Cynical attitudes about love emerge.”

These cynical attitudes are the pain that the fetish eroticizes. Porn creates the fuel for the fire.

In these ways, porn can contribute to the cause of the cuckold fetish. But, it doesn't directly cause a cuckold fetish - that's still caused by subconscious fears/feelings of inadequacy. Stopping watching porn also doesn't change the fetish, which is a common myth i see - it just re-sensitises you to 'normal', more softcore things.