Top products from r/raisedbyborderlines

We found 71 product mentions on r/raisedbyborderlines. We ranked the 81 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the top 20.

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Top comments that mention products on r/raisedbyborderlines:

u/avagolden 路 5 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

>I learned that was I was, was too much, for anyone, but especially her. I learned that my emotions were too messy and no one wanted, or needed, to hear about them.

I love the way you put that. I too, had emotions that too messy.

> I learned to say sorry compulsively.

Yes. I still do this ALL the time (to anyone). And then I beat myself up in my head for apologizing for something that clearly wasn't my fault. Sometimes I say sorry for things that don't even have fault or blame associated with them. My earliest memory of this was in the 6th grade. An older girl told me the tag on my shirt was sticking out. I apologized. She started giggling with her friend. Why did she apologize? My heart breaks for little me in that moment. So confused. Decades away from getting any sort of clarity. I really just want to give little me a hug and tell her it's gonna be okay.

>I learned I was crazy, manipulative, not good enough.

Yes 鈽戯笍鈽戯笍鈽戯笍 It seems like a lot of us we're told similar messages. I wonder if there's something more to that.

>I've overcome some of this stuff quite well, others I'm still fighting. I know there's more stuff, this is just that came to my mind easily without thinking too hard, I don't wanna dive too deep at the moment.

Thanks for sharing everything you did with us 鈾ワ笍

>This is a very thought provoking post, thank you for making it and giving us space to hash all of this stuff out. Really, it means a lot. Thank you. <3

You're welcome. I'm so glad you got something out of it. The post was inspired by an exercise from the book Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.

u/kittenmommy 路 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

Welcome! I'm so glad you found us!

My mother also spend lots of time in bed/sleeping. And she loved her Valium. 馃槖

> I still am not 100% which categories I'd put her in (waif ,witch, queen), but I still don't know a whole lot, so if you guys have any good books/articles/anything that you would recommend to help me learn more about this disorder, I would greatly appreciate it!

The book that really did it for me was Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson. As I was reading it, I was thinking, "OMG, this woman wrote a whole book about my mother!".

> The little I know so far is really helping me to peice together my childhood, so I'm excited to learn as much as I can.

I definitely know that feeling; a total lightbulb moment! 馃挕

Welcome home!


PS. Are you sure you read all of our rules before posting? Because I think your post is missing something! Please re-read and revise, and if you have any other Reddit usernames, please message the mod team to let us know.

Thanks! 馃憤馃徎

u/puddingcat_1013 路 6 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

There are lots of great resources out of there. For example, the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" was a great help to me.

Also, the website BPDCentral is a great resource:

And, Out of the Fog:

But if you truly want to heal yourself and live your best life, you're going to need to find a therapist. Your BPD mother trained you all your life to deny that you were a person in your own right, so much so that you no longer understand your own wants and needs. You're going to need personal guidance to find your way out. You need to find those hooks that your mother put in you and remove them. It hurts, and its hard work, but its the only thing that will allow you to heal fully.

I think the difference between boys and girls being raised by borderlines (depending on your mother's own special brand of abuse) is basically just what society puts on either sex, plus bonus points for BPD. But a therapist will help guide you out of the woods for your needs specifically.

This is a great group also. Read and vent as necessary. We've all been through it. You're not crazy and you're not alone. Hang in there and good luck.

u/AWarriorNotSurvivor 路 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I'm surprised she was honest and told you. I'm glad you know! Things will make a lot more sense as you learn about it.

These are my recommendations:

u/EvilBlossoming 路 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

I just sent my NC letter today.

It took me about 4 months to get to this point. What made me actually send it was reading a book called Educated which is a memoir about a borderline dad. Not the same, but it showed me how an entire family can orchestrate themselves together to help support the person with the disorder.

What I expect moving forward is that I won't see a lot of my family on her side. She is very close to two of my cousins, and I don't expect them to understand my point of view. I expect that they will potentially try to force us together.

This means that I, and you, have choices. If you are feeling this struggle, I wonder if your brother is too? He might be more receptive than you think to meeting without your mom involved at all. No matter what, it is your choice if you see her or not. It is your choice if you want to communicate with her or not. If your childhood was like mine, you spent a lot of time raising yourself - and probably some time raising her as well. You don't need her to be a good person, or to justify your choices, or to live your life happily.

Good luck!

u/raven4277 路 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I'm just finishing Stop Walking on Eggshells. Not everything in the book is focused toward children of those with BPD, the authors include info for parents and SOs of those with BPD as well. They also provide the perspectives of those with BPD, via anecdotes sprinkled throughout the book, common situations you might find yourself in with someone with BPD. It's the only parts of the book I didn't love, but I felt like the book still explained that understanding why they do what they do doesn't absolve them of responsibility for their actions. Overall it's been an excellent source of information for me, as someone who had never heard of BPD until earlier this year (I especially appreciated the chapter on how to communicate with people with BPD). I'd recommend it if you want a starting overview of what BPD is, because it definitely covers that part well.

u/walkingdebt 路 3 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Totally fine! Here鈥檚 the link to the one I bought:

ZALALOVA Cat Window Perch, Cat...

It鈥檚 always on sale鈥擨 got it for about $15 USD and the twins love it. It鈥檚 also super durable considering Noxie (fluffy boy!) will eat everything in his path and hasn鈥檛 been able to even start to chew through the wires holding it up.
It make take your girlie a little getting used to, be prepared to have the thought 鈥渨ell that was a waste鈥, because, at least with my two, they definitely didn鈥檛 take to it right away, but they鈥檙e obsessed with it now.
Tip: it was just a little too big for my window with the bottom suction cups on, but it鈥檚 got enough leeway that you can actually just have the seat resting in the sill and it鈥檒l still be nice and safe.
Hope she loves it!

u/Just_smh 路 5 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

So much to much to say. I'll attempt brevity. I'll likely fail.

>I was strong willed growing up. I talked back a lot as a child and would cry anytime my mom left. I deffinitely had abandonment issues after us leaving my bio dad I guess and I was always afraid that the next time she left would be the last time I saw her. So I wasn't perfect. I'd complain about cleaning my room, or yell at her if I got upset about something.

Show me a kid that likes cleaning their room and I'll show you a FREAK. Show me a kid that didn't assert their independence/identity by yelling at their parent and I'll show you a FREAK. Not really sound like a perfectly normal kid.

>Growing up I was a trigger for my mom I now see. Which is completely understandable given that my bio dad is her ex alcoholic, abusive, rapist, husband. So... I'm sure this played a part.

Maybe. But pwBPD lie like they breathe. She may or may not have been raped. Even if she was, you are not the trigger. Your existence is not the reason she behaves the way she does. She behaves the way she does because she is ill and rather than recognize that her behavior hurts others and seek treatment she blame-shifts, demonizes, and gaslights.

>If I stood and listened she would tell me how she could see the evil in my eyes, that I was so cold and heartless and that she had only seen that look on my bio father and I was going to be just like him, that I only cared about myself.

I think you have a BPD "witch" on your hands. I had a BPD "warlock" (my dad). Almost verbatim these words. This kind of situation. It really fucks with your head. Especially as a child. As you do your work when you get back to therapy try to recognize this shit as "tapes". Tapes can be over-written and replaced with better music. Sounds like at the end of your post some people have been giving you some new tapes. Listen to those new tapes often.

>Growing up she always let people have or borrow my things.

They have no respect for boundaries. What is yours is theirs. I could tell you stories...

>I once, stupidly, decided to nicely tell my mom in a conversation that I thought she might have BPD and that she should look into it.

Right? Because maybe the problem is that she doesn't know and now that she does she'll go fix it. You'd fix it? Why wouldn't she? Who doesn't want to solve a problem? She doesn't. She'd rather make her problem your problem. Most books you read on the subject will caution against ever doing this since, as you discovered, it doesn't really go the way you hope it will.

>She claims she doesn't remember the horrible things she has said to me growing up. She tells me she is worried for my son because she thinks that my mind is slipping and that there is something wrong with me.

There's a whole thread here about this. It really is best to "just not remember" for people that don't want to accept responsibility for their words and actions. More gaslighting. I would go ahead and trust your memory. It happened. Memory is weird, so maybe it didn't happen exactly the way you remember but it happened.

Example: I have this memory of my mother giving me a...well...horrible sweater. It was sleeveless, argyle print on the back, and it had an ice-skating bear on the front. I was like...24 going on 25 at the completely inappropriate and I was never going to wear it. I couldn't accept it. I gave it back to her asking her what was going through her mind at the store when she thought her 24 year old daughter would actually want this. She needed to get her $$ back for it. This is one of my "funny" memories. Anyway...I remember the bear having a little flip up skirt. When cleaning her house this past thanksgiving (see post history if interested) we found that sweater. The sweater is pretty much how I remember it...just no flip up skirt.

So yeah...whatever you remember is probably the actual truth.

>My whole life I was her therapist. Not my other siblings, because I was the oldest so I could handle it.

I learned a new term here. Emotional incest. This whole paragraph resonates but especially that last bit "I was the oldest so I could handle it". I have said, felt, expressed those words VERBATIM. I even carried this in to my adult live where I figured anyone in psychic pain really should go ahead and give it to me cos I can handle it better than they can. I know what I'm doing and they are clearly in need. Yeah, I'm not a fucking therapist so I don't do that anymore. This is a boundaries thing. Absorbing the pain of others is not your responsibility. Accepting this and not automatically stepping in to assume the pain will take some practice, and your future therapist can help you with it.

So welcome member of the tribe. I'm sorry you've been separated from us for so long but you're here now with your family. We are big and we are strong. So get yourself something to eat. Read through this sub and anything you can get your hands on for as much as you need it over the next couple of months until you can get back to therapy.

People will recommend many books. My favorite was Understanding the Borderline Mother. A lot of us here have read it. It goes through the various manifestations of BPD from the witch to the waif. Waifs can have their witch moments just as witches can have their waif moments so while the book draws distinctions it is likely you'll see aspects of you mom in all the archetypes.

My comment is now almost as long as your post. I wish you well and perhaps we'll see you around here moving forward. BIG HUG!

u/kalechipsyes 路 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

> I want a manual on how healthy people were raised and what healthy love looks like!!!

Right? I am so damn lucky that my mom divorced my dad when I was a kid and so I had the one healthy parent to compare to my dad's (and, later, mother-in-law's) behavior to. It makes all the difference in the world just to know that things can be different.

The problem, I think, is that from the other direction, people with two healthy parents just don't know that there's any other way that parents can act. These are unspoken things that are so fundamental to our worldview, developed when we were just babies.

So it's really really hard to bridge that gap.

The best, closest thing I found, though, was this book.

u/oddbroad 路 4 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I'm glad I suggested something new! I hope it helps.

Yes I mentioned the Buddhism part because in a group I was in I had a woman who was uncomfortable with it because she was Christian. At first I thought she was possibly being intolerant, simply not wanting to read something just because it was influenced by another belief system that was not actually religious or preaching, just used metaphor. But I did learn later that I was wrong and a lot of the book uses Buddhism so heavily it could conflict with her religious worldview. Again you can read it and it's not going to threaten your faith, but I could see why depending upon her level/style of faith or time she wanted to put in why she would find it difficult to extract what would be applicable in her worldview. EDIT: For the record the books and techniques are completely secular.

That said, it does speak to a wide audience and less specific to BPD than other DBT topics. If I could have one critique from what I have done so far and maybe I"m a cynical hardass but I get tired of the 'accepting yourself' emphasis. Skills of practicing radical acceptance in a moment of stress are more valuable to me, we'll see.

> I didn't really know about the critiques, but I remembered raising an eyebrow at the parts you mentioned and you put to words my reaction.

You have to dig far into the reviews because a lot of people who use the book are BPD patients who use it after DBT (many say it's better POST DBT) and as said before, because there wasn't really anything of it's type until recently. Many of my therapists believe that DBT isn't a self help program but I would agree... for people with BPD because they need the group therapy to relearn social skills and empathy. Otherwise, well there are successful CBT programs online too. There are a few online DBT programs, not covered by insurance of course.

u/UnfavoriteThisPerson 路 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Oh man. This is a really hard place for you to be in, given that you're still in high school and dependent on your family. A lot of what helps (no contact, setting boundaries, etc) are either unavailable as options, or much much harder to execute for you. You have my sympathies.

If you haven't yet, I'd suggest you do some reading. Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson was really helpful for me - you probably get a copy of it through your library. It's gendered about mothers, but equally applicable for your Dad. It'll help you understand how his BPD has affected your development and general steps on how to heal and handle your dad. Stop Walking on Eggshells will also be a good resource for you.

Any attempts to control his behavior will likely set him off, so at this point, work on you. Here's what I recommend:

  • Work on holding your own inherit goodness intact

  • Work on setting and holding firm boundaries with people

  • Keep your relationship strong with your siblings, all to often my sister and I were pitted against each other

  • Find an outlet to vent your stress and emotions. Having a BPD parent is emotionally taxing and it's easy to keep it bottled up because you feel like you should. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or just your friends will help make unbearable pain more bearable

  • Focus on getting out. College was my way out of my of escaping the house. Making sure I got academic scholarships was how I was financially independent.

  • Learn how you've been shaped by your dad's mental illness. Oftentimes, we've learned to fawn or shut down or fight in times of conflict. We condition ourselves to walk on eggshells with everyone, not just our parent. We also learn rescuing behaviors.

  • Write events down. People with BPD often deny or minimize their abusive behaviors, so having something physical will help you retain your sense of reality.

    I think it's also helpful to remember that if your dad does have BPD, there's a physiological difference in his brain. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it does mean that his perception of reality is going to be distorted.
u/Celany 路 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

For what it's worth, for me, a lot of it came down to mantras. Telling myself over and over and over again that I was good enough, I was strong enough, I was lovely. Telling myself that even when it felt like a lie. Telling myself that when I was crying. Telling myself that when I was furious at myself. Over and over and over and over until I started to believe it. A little here, a little there.

I've been telling myself that now for over fifteen years, and I still don't believe it all the time. But I believe it most of the time, and more and more deeply the longer I'm at it.

Also of recent use is this wonderful book:

I cannot say enough good things about the coping and soothing mechanisms, the reframing, the ideas, and the gentleness contained in this book. If you can't do therapy now, I'd strongly recommend it. It's been enormously helpful to me.

u/Simplisticjoy 路 4 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I have a great little workbook Surviving a Borderline Parent that I found on Amazon when I was looking at Understanding the Borderline Parent. That book was way too intense for where I'm at now, but the workbook is just about perfect. It walks through several areas discussing what many people experience growing up raised by a BPD parent, offering both explanation and suggested activities to explore your own experiences.

u/blockofquartz 路 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

I've only read a few pages (and that was a few months back so I really need to pick it up again!) but I picked this up for inner child work:

I must have seen it as a recommendation on here or on a similar sort of forum. For me, even just thinking about my inner child was a huge thing - for so long I felt disconnected without even realizing it, and I think a huge amount of shame, and again without even realizing it... I think I sort of blamed myself for everything, and thought I was the one with 'issues'.

Similar I suppose, my resolution for the new year is to be more mindful - this links to health, weight, finances, everything really, but really just remembering to care for myself, and if I do something like over eat, or I struggle with compulsive hair pulling, I think, 'Would I ever do this to a child?'... and same, if I really want an unhealthy snack when I have had plenty to eat, I think, 'If I had a toddler who was annoying me for another piece of chocolate after they'd had dessert, would I give in just because they wanted it, or would I tell them no to look after their health?'

Otherwise, I think I'm trying to build up my self compassion to get to a point where I'm ready to go back to reading the book again... need to finish Understanding the Borderline Mother first though! Then on to me. :)

Thank you for sharing that link too.

u/djSush 路 3 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Hey I was looking for the book. There's a Surviving the Borderline Parent and there's Understanding the Borderline Mother Which one is it? Thanks! 馃挏

u/lithasblot 路 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

My SO and I are both super sensitive-- we decided to study NVC together (non-violent communication) and also read this book-- I highly recommend it. Transformative: .

u/HappyTodayIndeed 路 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

You鈥檙e not weird. Those are BAD messages.

Do you have little kids? There鈥檚 a great book called 鈥淗ow Are You Peeling?鈥 It鈥檚 photos of anthropomorphized vegetables displaying various feelings. It鈥檚 hilarious and educational. And validating. My girls used to ask for it often.

u/chemply 路 4 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

You are strong enough. I'd say counseling is going to be huge for you. Take your time to find the right person for you, a good counselor that fits your needs and that you feel connected to will be huge.

Try this book - it's not the best I've ever read, but it does address the things you're talking about.

u/nanshagans 路 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

Have you heard of Stop Walking on Eggshells? Its a good starter book to help understand BPD.

Youre in the place to vent and learn hugs

u/yayididit 路 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

I had those fight nights, yep. Mom starts to escalate and attack me, and I had so much pent up emotion and hormones and frustration that I wouldn't be able to keep calm, then I'd be caught up in her emotional tornado, so I'd get even more upset at myself for not being better than her, which means I can't defend myself when my dad would intervene. Did you notice that your dad also expected more maturity out of you than he did from your mom? At times, it felt like my dad held me to a higher standard of behavior than her. I don't know what to do with that yet.

>Whenever I get angry at my mother she gets angrier.

100% same. It was like throwing down a cage match.

>Self-Hate. I called myself a stupid bitch yesterday and cried in public because I'll have another C this semester, and only B's, which would make yet another semester with a less than 3 average as a GPA. I believe that I'm not good enough. I believe that I'm stupid. Even though I have an internship at a pretty prestigious hospital waiting for me this summer. I feel like I'm nothing because it feels so true.

Oh friend, it hurts so much. If you haven't already, you might like Will I Ever Be Good Enough? it speaks to this topic and resonated strongly with me. Just a few years ago, I still believed I was broken and incapable of loving myself or being loved. I despised myself on a level that I almost can't believe now, even though I have vivid memories of it. Even when the self-hate wasn't cranked up, it was still quietly affecting everything in my life. In a few ways that I knew of, and so many that I didn't until I came out of the haze. It's been a twisty, strange path to loving myself instead, but through therapy, reading a few books, finding reddit, and actively working on new skills, I've cut the self-hate almost completely, I hope. I've been trying to figure out how exactly it happened, it sort of snuck up on me over time as I worked on it.

u/Heyrik1 路 3 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

This book made so much sense to me! Really helped me set healthy boundaries and not have such an emotional response to the constant guilt tripping. The other books in my collection:

I frequently revisit these books when I鈥檓 struggling with things. Hang in there!

u/Fighting4MyFreedom 路 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

I have found inner child work to be the most powerful tool in healing my childhood wounds. I used John Bradshaw's book. He gives you step by step tools for how to do inner child work. It's easier with a good therapist, but I did it alone.
Also, you can find his appearance on Oprah years ago on youtube where he does a mini inner child workshop on the show. When I first "met" or talked to my inner child, I was repulsed by her. That was my shame, which is now mostly gone. My inner child is ME, my instinctive, intuitive part. I listen to "her" now. When she says she doesn't like somebody, I stay away. That voice of intuition is usually right.

u/bunnylover726 路 1 pointr/raisedbyborderlines

Have you ever read Understanding the Borderline Mother? I read it even though my dad is the family BPD and it was still helpful. I just gender swapped some of the advice. There's a little section in there on BPD + BPD relationships.

In the book, a specific dynamic is described as a woman who is a "waif" and a man who is a "frog-prince". A waif is the martyr "woe is me!" type woman. Her dominant emotion is helplessness. Her inner experience is constantly being a victim. She's too passive and permissive and she feels that life is just too hard. They make great partners for angry raging BPD men because they lay down and let themselves and their children get stomped all over, then just cry and play victim afterwards.

The frog-prince is what happens when a woman goes searching for a prince charming to save her! .... but it turns out that he's just a regular frog. The kids can always see through the illusion.

Even if your mom isn't a waif, that doesn't mean she can't have BPD. Either way, whether she has it or not, you should read that book. If you use the search bar in this subreddit, you can pull up our old discussions from when we did a book club reading of it together.

Edited to add: I wrote a review for RBBs of a book called The Emotionally Absent Mother. I wanted it to help me understand my enabler mother, but the book talks about both enabler mothers and mothers with BPD. It's broken into little chunks and has lots of exercises that are helpful. It sucks to learn that both of our parents sucked.... but it's kind of the name of the game with abusers and enablers :(

u/dmcindc 路 3 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Send her this book. It's about how forgiveness is used by abusive parents as a kind of moral blackmail, and how it doesn't actually provide healing, but rather incurs great physical harm, because it's all a sham/lie to forgive parents who horribly abused you, and continue to abuse you still, and your body knows it.

u/oblivion2k 路 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Maybe not exactly what you're looking for, but there absolutely is a book that can help you deal with BPDs.
> Stop Walking on Eggshells has already helped nearly half a million people with friends and family members suffering from BPD understand this destructive disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones stop relying on dangerous BPD behaviors. This fully revised edition has been updated with the very latest BPD research and includes coping and communication skills you can use to stabilize your relationship with the BPD sufferer in your life. This compassionate guide will enable you to:

Make sense out of the chaos
Stand up for yourself and assert your needs
Defuse arguments and conflicts
Protect yourself and others from violent behavior

In my experience with my mother, there was just no way to ever "hold them accountable", I.E. prove they did something wrong or harmful. She would either shut down, or more often fly off the handle in rage. But this book promises ways to de-escalate the situation, and I think that's the best you can hope for. My dad's read the book and said it helped him deal with the trauma, and I'm about to start reading it myself.

Link to Amazon here

u/TheBeneGesseritWitch 路 23 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Cats are nice I guess.

But they have litter boxes.

I prefer my dog...

I have been lurking here for about three months, since my therapist gave me the book Understanding The Borderline Mother and everything came into sharp clarity.

Last week my mother argued with me and said to my father (who was in the room as a referee, useless ass that he is) 鈥渢he root of all our conflict is because u/thebenegesseritwitch insists! on setting boundaries!! Whenever she disagrees with me it is just so disrespectful!

I was dumbfounded that she actually vocalized that in her world setting boundaries and expressing a different opinion = disrespect.

She seemed to realize how absurd she sounded and tried to shift the focus from me/my boundaries/her lack of respecting my boundaries/ to a more global dislike of boundaries. She went off on a rant about how boundaries are the reason the millennials have so many problems and how boundaries are why the country is in such a horrible state these days. (and to his credit my father did ask about five or six times 鈥渟o when BGW disagrees with you, you automatically feel disrespected, even though as a grown adult in her own house, she is allowed to disagree with you?鈥 鈥淪o you take offense simply because she disagrees with you?鈥 She tried to avoid answering, because I do think she was having some cognitive dissonance....and when she did it was always 鈥渘o she鈥檚 allowed her own opinion of course but it is just so hurtful since I鈥檓 coming from a place of love! I would never have disagreed with my mother, so yes I鈥檓 hurt and offended that BGW disrespects me by holding to different opinions!鈥)

I told my dad later that her ability to vocalize her issues with me setting boundaries while simultaneously holding to her willful inability to recognize how fucked up her thinking is about boundaries terrifies me.

ANYWAY. All that to say, thank you for this. I鈥檓 sending it to my sister.