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Going back to using meth may take away some pain, but the cost is it will resume destroying your brain and body. The levels of neurotransmitters you've become accustom to thanks to meth are so unnaturally high that of course you're going to feel empty without it. Of course your normal reward circuits are shot.

Huge congrats on getting this far, and it is absolutely worth continuing on. I wasn't in acute pain for years, but for me it was a few years before I looked around, and thought "this is amazing. Sobriety feels amazing." To be clear, there were many incredible milestones along the way. But incredible for a recovering addict is different than incredible for someone who's living a healthy, productive, life. "I was honest with my parents today! (lots of crying on both sides)", "I saved up enough money to pay back this person for ______!", etc...

>I saw meth addicts get pretty much back to normal from the few months...

I saw this from another commenter. In my experience, "back to normal" doesn't exist. Maybe getting out of acute pain in a few months. Cravings can occur for much longer. You're going to create a new normal, and, if you're willing to do the work, it will be even better than your normal before drugs, and any normal and any high you ever had on drugs. I mean that with all of my heart, from experience.

Do you have a good substance abuse counselor and support group? If not, find one of each. Addiction is relentlessly feeding a writhing selfish beast who is so close to the core of who you are it seems like recovery should be about being less selfish. But, recovery is about being ruthlessly selfish for what you need to get better. You deserve it. Eliminate people, environments, media, and things that aren't healthy and don't help you recover.

At various points in my recovery, I liked to read other people's recovery stories, and they helped me. Smack by Melvin Burgess is one that comes to mind, and of course there are lots of stories in the AA and NA books. These stories don't always end well, or show a cheery triumph over hardship. People die every day battling addictions, and that reality is one to know and embrace.

As early as you can, find replacements for your destructive behavior. Exercise, even a little, regularly. Create art, or write, or find some pursuit. Keep posting here, or start a blog if that helps. As soon as you feel able, volunteer to help animals or people or a cause you care about.

I'm sorry you're not sleeping well, and that sounds like a maddening experience. At one point, in rehab, I was only allowed to urinate with supervision. I had someone with me 24/7. I've never been squeamish or self-conscious about peeing, but for some reason, no matter how full my bladder was, I could not pee with someone standing at my shoulder. I felt like I was going crazy, because I went all day with the intense pressure of having to pee. Multiple times, we'd go to the toilet in a little group, my turn would come, and I would stand there, almost frantic, but nothing would come out. I would leave the bathroom in tears and confusion. That lasted a few weeks, and it occurred months after I was no longer using.

When I've not been able to sleep, I'll just say "ok, I can't sleep, but I'm going lay here and relax." Sometimes I'll listen to an audiobook. Talk to your counselor (or get one, then talk to him/her!) about this. Be patient with yourself.

Thanks for posting. Good luck. You can do it.

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Here's the book on Amazon and here's the awesome blurb,

"The psychiatric establishment and rehab industry in the Western world have branded addiction a brain disease. But in The Biology of Desire, cognitive neuroscientist and former addict Marc Lewis makes a convincing case that addiction is not a disease, and shows why the disease model has become an obstacle to healing.


Lewis reveals addiction as an unintended consequence of the brain doing what it's supposed to do-seek pleasure and relief-in a world that's not cooperating. As a result, most treatment based on the disease model fails. Lewis shows how treatment can be retooled to achieve lasting recovery. This is enlightening and optimistic reading for anyone who has wrestled with addiction either personally or professionally."

I haven’t read it, but this one has good reviews on Amazon: The Big Fix: Hope After Heroin