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u/TantraGirl · 28 pointsr/sexover30

I was able to orgasm with a vibrator and a lot of time, but never could get off with a guy until my (future) husband and I got seriously experimental about it. I'm very glad we did. It has made a HUGE difference! If you want to make an effort to change this, I encourage you to keep exploring alternatives.

That's important, because women who have trouble having orgasms differ so much in terms of what works that it's really hard to give specific advice, except this: don't stop trying new things just because the first ten don't work!

Fortunately, most of the things you will want to try are interesting and enjoyable, even if they don't work the first time, so the journey can be fun even if it takes a while.

This is a good place to start:

  • How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic.

    It has a bunch of links to other resources, including this classic book, which I recommend:

  • Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, revised edition

    It's out of print, but Amazon usually has used copies for under $10, shipping included. It's a classic for a reason. It has helped many, many women have their first orgasms and their first partnered orgasms.

    If you're like most people, you both came into your relationship with a set of preconceived ideas about what "having sex" consists of, in terms of the sequence of steps, the techniques, and the amount of time devoted to each part of the process. You've tried that and it hasn't worked, and you've tried a lot of variations on those themes without success. But you haven't explored all or even most of the possibilities, so don't give up now.

    A good example of that is the website OMG Yes!!!, where you can learn many variations on about a dozen basic ways for your partner to stimulate your vulva and clitoris with his fingers. (It's $39, but definitely worth it.) I recommend exploring it first and experimenting on yourself, and then you can show him what you'd like him to try.

    I also recommend the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner. It will help a great deal with the "stalling out" problem.

    More generally, I would urge you to:

  1. Read all the relevant parts of A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex, especially the sections called "Focus on Her" and "Troubleshooting."

  2. Get an inexpensive folding massage table. (Under $100 on Amazon, the best investment in good sex you'll ever make.)

  3. Do sensate focus therapy together for at least three months. (This is the program described in the second half of "Becoming Orgasmic".]

  4. Read the relevant articles from the SO30 Wiki for tips on oral and manual technique and advice on increasing sexual arousal during foreplay.

  5. Adopt a longer, more sensual script for sex that includes a lot more cuddling, deep kissing, erotic massage, and foreplay before PIV, and follow that script at least half the time.

  6. Specifically, learn sensual/erotic/tantric massage and do it a LOT.

  7. Try an air-pulse type vibrator (e.g., Womanizer Pro40 or Satisfyer P2) and a regular vibrator with a different strength/pitch. (I.e., if the one you have is high-pitched and buzzy, get a deep rumbly one like the Magic Wand, or vice versa.) Try out each one during PIV. Reverse Cowgirl is the best if having him watch you is a problem. If not, Regular Cowgirl and Butterfly are also great. (Butterfly involves you lying at the foot of the massage table with your legs up and he stands facing you. Lots of room for a Wand!)

  8. Try to create the most relaxing possible situation, a time and place where you are super relaxed. Get some good hard exercise, go dancing, sign up for a spa day, go to the beach or the park and spend some time communing with nature. Have a glass of wine, meditate, spend an hour with a litter of 14-week old puppies. Do whatever it is that works for you to get you really relaxed. Then take a long shower or bath and let your SO give you a great full-body massage that gradually incorporates fingers, oral, and your favorite vibrator.

  9. If you have access to a trusted source, MDMA can do wonders.

    Good luck! ❤️💕
u/ShaktiAmarantha · 34 pointsr/sexover30

My SO and I have been together for nearly 28 years and the sex has been terrific for almost all of that time.

However, we actually HAD a DB, during the third year we were together. We discovered that the kind of sex that worked for us at the beginning was not sustainable. During those first two years, we had pretty normal high-intensity sex almost every night. At first, the NRE and the thrill of having passionate sex with a wonderful man was enough to carry me along.

But as the NRE wore off, as I came under more stress from other things, as we both came under a lot more time pressure, and as sex became more of a routine, I stopped getting much pleasure from it. I would get barely aroused and then be left hanging, and eventually even the arousal part dwindled to nothing. It started to feel actively unpleasant and I started looking for excuses to avoid it, even though I loved him with all my heart and really, really didn't want to lose him.

We did a lot of research and experimentation, and solved what turned out to be a multi-sided problem, including communication and stress management. But the most important change was adopting a completely different approach to sex itself. We did sensate focus therapy/sensual massage therapy for months. We also learned to meditate, and then started doing tantric sex on a regular basis.

This has become the anchor of our week. We try hard to block out time every Sunday morning that is just for each other. Within that, each tantra session we do is about 3 to 3.5 hours. It's terrific sex: intense, passionate, orgasmic, loving, joyful, and fun. It's a way of telling each other at an almost cellular level how much we love each other and love giving each other pleasure.

I've written a lot about ways to sustain the passion in a long-term relationship, with an emphasis on edging, sensual massage, and tantric sex. Here are some links that others have found helpful:

u/Kinkster4u2cum · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Ok Darlingnikki928 here is the conundrum you are faced with.

It sounds like your boyfriend is what we would call a "Vanilla" and you are in the BDSM spectrum (this varies based on your personal sexual preference) so hence you would be a kinkster (there are other names). So what you need to do is learn about yourself more with regards to your BDSM likings/desires/needs/etc. so then you can provide your "Vanilla" boyfriend ALL the information that HE NEEDS in order to provide you with what your sexual needs/desires are since eventually if he doesn't learn how to be a kinkster like yourself, the relationship will eventually fade into obscurity due to the fact that kinksters like us will ALWAYS need sex in the way WE NEED IT and without your help to educate him ( like my first serious girlfriend did soooo many years ago to me) he WILL FAIL at it time after time.

To give you an idea, in my case I was raised by my mother to NEVER EVER, EVER hit a woman, NOT EVEN with a rose and was also taught that doing so was VERY disrespectful to ANY WOMAN.

Imagine my surprise when in my late teens while being ridden HARD cowgirl style by my then girlfriend (we were dating about 3 months) all of a sudden she blurs out to me "Hit me!" To which I confusingly said "What?" and she said "HIT ME!". My brain started to go in all kinds of directions trying to understand what she meant and I must of had the most confused look on my face because she then grabbed my hand and slapped herself with it ( while she continued to ride me) at which point I thought "HOLY SHIT! She did ask me to hit her!".

My body wanted to hit her to give her the pleasure that she needed but my mind kept remembering my mother yelling at me as a child after I had hit my sister in a disagreement and she ferociously defended my sister with her "NEVER EVER, EVER hit a woman, NOT EVEN with a rose" line. The struggle I went through with those thoughts in my mind and my body fighting each other for dominance trying to decide whether I should or should not hit her as she had requested was just absolutely MIND BLOWING while at the same time exhilarating.

I just did not know what to do because my mind and body were at a stalemate at which point she repeated herself "HIT ME! It's OK".

I VERY RELUCTANTLY agreed and lightly slapped her face at which point She said to me, "NO, I mean REALLY HIT ME!! Just slap me!!".

As she forcefully told me to "JUST DO IT!" and that it was OK and that SHE really, REALLY LIKED IT , I then was able to remove my "social restraints" and let it rip.

I (as if instinctually) also grabbed her hair at the same time completely taking control over her. When she felt my REAL slap on her face and me grabbing her hair overpowering her, it was like I had RELEASED a wild animal IN HEAT and the harder I slapped her and pulled her hair, the HARDER she rode me. I was completely shocked and appalled at myself not only for the fact that there I was "technically" abusing this woman I loved and she was absolutely LOVING every minute of it.

The worst and BEST PART for me at the same time was that the feeling was absolutely INCOMPREHENSIBLE and AMAZING for me as well. It was like the more I fed her her needs (roughness with her) the more she fed me MY NEEDS (seeing her ABSOLUTELY CRAZY with pleasure as I controlled her) and we became two people feeding each other our sexual energy and needs that eventually ended in us BOTH feeling indescribable.

That day was the day that I discovered in me something that I had ABSOLUTELY NEVER thought I would enjoy doing with a woman in the bedroom and from that moment forward I opened my mind to ANY possibility and promised myself that I would ALWAYS try it first before saying whether I liked it or not.

So to finish it up I can tell you that he'll need more than just a "talk" since you yourself are still discovering your kinky side. He'll need you to show him the "POSSIBILITIES" of what he can feel by guiding him into YOUR WORLD.

I highly recomend the following to help you both and hopefully with this information he will understand what your needs are.

There is a great book called "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism" ( ) that will give you a lot of great information not only for yourself but also for him. You can both read it together and learn more about each other which will in turn help you one way or another.

There is also a few BDSM sites out there that you can join to meet like minded people that you can learn from as well. My prefered site is "". It's like a Facebook for kinksters.

Lastly please do keep in mind that there is a slight possibility that this "lifestyle" will be too much for him to handle since some men are VERY intimidated by this so he might not understand it altogether and think that you are crazy/odd/etc. BUT know that you ARE NOT ALONE in your needs and desires, there are a lot more people out there nowadays that are open minded about this and are willing to explore.

If it turns out that he is scared off by it, you can use the OK-Cupid dating site to date people that are in the same spectrum as you are since OKC let's you put it as part of your dating profile. I don't think that there are other dating sites that do it but OKC does. This will help since it'll filter out the "Vanilla " guys and you'll at least know that the people you date on that site will also have similar needs and desires like you.

Hope this helps!!

Good luck and have lots of fun!!

u/notoneofyourfans · 3 pointsr/sexover30

I take offense to people who say your wife isn't low libido - that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. That is just soooooooo possibly not the case. Everybody has a limit. My limit might be twice a day. Somebody else's might be twice a month. Why is it that the person who only wants sex twice a month seen as "broken"? I know you take this personally, and I understand why. Like someone else said, it appears that your Love Language is Physical Touch. You need it to feel validated. What if you found a way to compromise on the level of "closeness"? You get your day of full intercourse each week, but then two other nights each week she participates in your orgasms. How? The two of you neck for 10-15 minutes and then you masturbate yourself while she touches and encourages you. Make ground rules. Examples of possible rules might be intimacy nights can't be back to back. Barring sickness or schedule, only one "no" allowed per week. Each partner has to initiate intimacy at least once within the week. This way, you get to have more orgasms with the one you love and feel connected in some way more often through the week and your partner doesn't have to commit to heavier sex acts she really doesn't want to do. Because, I don't know about you, but I really can't enjoy fully sex when my partner isn't in that space. I can tell when her head is elsewhere, and most of the time, it makes a significant difference in my level of enjoyment. The counseling is so she understands how important the physicality is to you and you have to find out what her Love Language is and learn what you need to deliver for her. The book is super popular. If you want to see what the quiz is kinda like, I found this one. I don't think this one was made by the author of the book so it may not be super accurate, but you can google for others to try. Both you and your wife should take the quiz separately. Don't give up on your family without a fight. The woman probably cares about you, but she just either can't be all things for you or she doesn't know how to give you everything without losing herself in the process. Counseling can help to that end.

u/Criticalthinking346 · 11 pointsr/sexover30

Mannnn their is so much wrong with your statements I don’t know were to start but let me try....

First, women love sex as much as men. We’re just different. 80% of men (and 15% of women, me included) have what’s called spontaneous desire. We can get aroused just thinking about sex. However 70% of women (and 20% of men) have responsive desire type. Meaning they’re desire is dependent on environment.

Also sex isn’t a drive, it’s more a dual control model. Like the gas and breaks on a car. Men are generally more sensitive to the gas, women are more sensitive to the breaks. This makes sense because sex is more risky for women.

Hormones don’t have any affect on desire for women, with rare exception of some birth controls lowering it.

All of what I said and more can be found in comes as you are. I would suggest you read it. It’s the best book on female sexuality out there. I and my husband both have spontaneous desire and he works to make sure my brakes aren’t triggered so we have awesome sex 6-9x a week (even after 16 years together). You don’t have to live with a dead bed.

u/Cest_la_Fille · 27 pointsr/sexover30

You have a very special wife. She's admitted to you that she has a lower drive than you but she is still right there with you, having, and enjoying, sex 3-5 times a week. Never take that for granted. I know it's fantastic to feel desired and wanted by a partner that can't wait to tear your clothes off and throw you on the bed, but that's just not what some people do. The fact that after all these years your wife is still an active and enthusiastic participant in your sex life is her showing you how much she wants and desires you.

I think you might both benefit from reading Come as You Are, which explains Responsive Desire. It's not a reflection on you at all, it's just the way some people work sexually, and there's nothing wrong with it. Knowing what it is, and how it works can make a world of difference.

u/jph45 · 9 pointsr/sexover30


> Get an inexpensive folding massage table. (Under $100 on Amazon, the best investment in good sex you'll ever make.)

The truth of this humble statement by u/TantraGirl cannot be underestimated. Missus and I bought one for $80 bucks and it is absolutely the best sex toy we ever bought. To put that into perspective, we've been together 40 years and introduced toys into our sex inside the first six months. We bought the massage table 2 to 3 months ago and it absolutely rejuvenated and supercharged the intimacy of our sex sessions. We don't practice trantric or sensate focus techniques per-say but the table did create the space where we slow down, touch and feel each other, and take time to bring the extra pleasures of caressing and massage into our love making. The table is the best money we ever spent on our sex life. We also had this book on massage some 30 years ago and found it very useful as well.

u/fix_my_stuff1 · 1 pointr/sexover30

I would suggest 1 that you keep complimenting her, and also to try Emily Nagoski's suggestion to ask your wife to look into the mirror every day and notice how beautiful she is. See her blog or book "Come as you are", or her podcasts/videos. The following is from her blog and her Tedx talk:

"Stand in front of a mirror as close to naked as you can tolerate. Look at what you see there. And write down everything you see… that you like. And of course the first thing that will happen is that your brain will be filled with all the noisy cultural bullshit about the things that are “wrong” with your body. That’s fine. Just notice those thoughts and let them go for now. You’ve got the whole rest of the day to have those thoughts. Right now, pay attention to the things you like. If it’s your eyelashes, your toes, whatever it is. Write it down.

Do it again tomorrow. And again the next day. The more you practice noticing your own beauty, the more you’ll see what a frickin’ frackin’ miracle you are, and the stronger a hold you’ll have on the keys to your own sexual wellbeing. Confidence is knowing what’s true. Joy is loving what’s true."

In fact - I recommend the video to both you and your wife.

u/missedsomething · 1 pointr/sexover30

Happy to :)
While we always enjoyed doggy style we do a lot more of it these days.
Also, we picked up a wedge pillow ( and it has been fun. My wife can lay on her back with it under her hips and it is great as it raises her hips and it changes the angle that I enter her and where I hit internally. It also allows us to maintain eye contact. ;) It's also a great position for me to give her oral as I can go for up to an hour without getting a sore neck.
She also likes to lay face down on it with it under her hips. Very similar to doggy but it's a lot easier on her arms.
We love to spoon but entering her while spooning is difficult now. We've compensated by spooning from the waist down which allows penetration and I can still touch her back, arms and face, maintaining a level of connection.
I think the final one that we enjoy is where she lays on her back and I lay on my side next to her, maybe at a 45 degree angle. She raises her leg closest to me, I slide my top leg under her raised leg and extend so that lies on top of or next to her other leg. This allows us me to enter her and get really deep into her.
Another one that we've added is where she lays on her side and moves her top leg forward with her lower leg running parallel to her lower leg. I then straddle her lower leg and slide into her. It's ok for us. I mention it as it's worth trying and I know experiences vary by person.
If I wasn't clear or descriptive enough let me know and I'll try to clarify.
Oh, and one more thing... We added a Hitatchi magic wand and she loves having a non-penetrative vibrator.

u/shyphoenix · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Liberator has foam ramps:

and look there's a 30 % off sale this weekend!!! With the code GOBIG

this is the wedge...I think it would be great for you guys, since you're beginners -- If you scroll down, there's a scrolling bar of sex positions that they recommend with the wedge... the standing ovation will likely work well for you guys! The elevated wheel barrow ... really I'm betting the wedge will help you tons.

If you don't want to pay 90 for this pillow, there's this:

on amazon. its 40 bucks.. however I can't attest to quality, since I don't own it.

On stretching... this is pretty big, especially for women as having wider, more open access will make penetration easier for you and more pleasurable for her. Obviously, she doesn't need to be doing the splits here. But I agree that a little bit of extra flexibility will help a ton. Doing a little bit of stretching during foreplay will also help keep those muscles from cramping up ;)

u/WhakaWhakaWhaka · 10 pointsr/sexover30

Gotta recommend:

She Comes First

This was an informative book and the info from it was very helpful as it made me more aware of my partner’s body and what works for her.

My partner at the time wasn’t having orgasms, and I hadn’t ran into that problem before, so I stressed about it and looked things up online when I found this book. And. Oh. My. God.

The knowledge is like the difference between driver’s ed and automotive engineering course; one shows you how to do things safely, the other lets you know what needs tweaking to get the engine performance up.

It’s also made sex more fun for me because I feel more comfortable and curious to help my partner with her orgasm.

Hope that helps.

u/Waylander84 · 6 pointsr/sexover30

I highly recommend getting a copy of She Comes First. It’s a fun read, isn’t too long, gives all the technical tips you could hope for, and also emphasizes how to get a woman more comfortable and relaxed about receiving oral. That book fits your specific need very well.

Aside from that my top suggestion would be patience. Don’t dive straight to the clit. Rub her whole body, get her relaxed, circle the area for awhile. Lick the area and occasionally brush the clit, slowly increasing contact by lingering longer as you go. That should help with sensitivity.

u/Finnamischa · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Maybe take the Love Language test. It sounds to me like you both have different love languages, maybe if you both did the test, read the book, you’d understand each other’s needs more? It’s a start anyway. I’m sorry you’re in a marriage with a woman you clearly love, but are left feeling unfulfilled and unwanted. Try the book, try marriage counselling, try weekends away together. If nothing works, and you’re still feeling unfulfilled, consider more drastic options, you deserve to feel loved and wanted. I truly wish you all the best.

u/DoctorKinkyPants · 2 pointsr/sexover30

I can't recommend strongly enough that you read the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. In the very least, Google arousal non-concordance.

I don't want to spoil the punchlines but there's almost certainly nothing in the least wrong with you. Lubrication or lack thereof doesn't necessarily mean what you think it does. You're getting in your head; happens to everyone to varying degrees.

Best of luck and try to rethink those feelings of unworthiness. A good therapist could be helpful if you're stuck on that.

u/thatnycthrowaway · 33 pointsr/sexover30

The BEST BEST BEST book either my partner or I have ever read about all of this is Come As You Are . Get it. Read it. Make your partner read it.

It will change your sex life. We recommend it to everyone. (And it covers arousal, which is why it’s relevant here).

u/talky_sex · 1 pointr/sexover30

>how was your day?

Is there a way you could get a connection by talking about something else? Like maybe planning the upcoming weekend, or joint hobbies/projects, or books/movies/YouTube videos/dupes on /r/funny, or the weather, or ants, ants with lasers, etc.? What kind of job does he have?
Astronaut? Or a normal job? 'Cause I don't want to talk about my day at work. It is boring and stupid and I only do it for the money. It is bad enough that I had to live it, and I have no desire to rehash it. Especially cause I don't want to be complaining about it day after day after day after day. Do you like to read books (or audio books)? I'd recommend the 5 Love Languages, and How to Win Friends and Influence People. I'm sure there is something that he could talk about, that would meet your needs for connection. But maybe it is not about his day.

Edit: ...and now reading down thread further, I see you've read the 5 Love Languages book. How about the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book? Sorry for your troubles, hope it gets better.

u/snatch_haggis · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Work on yourself, and figure out what is different about the person you were when things were working well in the bedroom versus the person you are now.

Are you in the same shape you were 7 years ago? Are you as interesting? Are you as strong, independent, confident then as you are now?

You do understand that the work doesn't stop when you get married and have kids, right? In fact, it's just getting started.

Date her. Every day.

Realize foreplay is something that happens the other 23 1/2 hours a day, not 5 minutes before she drops those pajama bottoms. Do not ever negotiate desire (that "acts of service" and "choreplay" stuff is never, ever going to work).

Don't beg for sex, don't expect it, and don't get butthurt when it doesn't happen, or it will just get worse, because you will make yourself someone she doesn't respect. If you can find the man you were before, she'll find the woman she was, too.

Unlike another commenter, I'd strongly suggest staying as far away from /r/DeadBedrooms as possible, unless you want to feel better about people who are worse off than you. Hanging out in that sub just made things worse for me.

A good starting point for you might be The Man's Guide to Women. and after that I'd suggest the Mindful Attraction Plan and Mating in Captivity.

And throw that Five Love Languages book in the trash.

It's not called the Five Fuck Languages for a very good reason.

u/begging-for-pegging · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Both. Wife was feeling like sex was becoming more of a chore. I was feeling like we weren’t connecting as much sexually or otherwise.

We read “the sex starved marriage
We also read come as you are

Both of these lead to us become more connected and open to trying kinks. My biggest kink was more anal play for both of us. She is now receptive to anal once or twice a week instead 5-6 times a year.....and anal play for me a few times a month.

We have many toys and we need to pair some down. We’ve started to do some bdsm (cuffs and floggers and paddles) she really loves to smack my cock and balls around a really turns her on. So, she is finding her dom side, and so am I. We switch....

We are now having more sex than we’ve ever had.

I also keep a sex journal and we read back over that occasionally to remind us how sexy we are...

We both are over weight and we are actively losing weight. I’ve lost 60 lbs since February and she’s lost about 35. We both want to be as healthy and happy as we can and that involves sex!

u/ELIMS_ROUY_EM_MP · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Can't speak to the liberator but have definitely enjoyed this much cheaper alternative from Amazon:

Good firmness so you can maintain some leverage, but still comfy enough to not be distracting, definitely worth a shot for the price! ($31)

u/Cockring_Buddha · 5 pointsr/sexover30

I love butt plugs. I started off with a tiny silicone plug. Truthfully, that worked for about a week before I needed something larger. I also didn't like not being able to use silicone lubricant.

So my long time favorite plug is the Njoy medium Pure Plug. It's big enough for me. It's heavy, so it tugs at my ass all day long. It never slips out or gets sucked in. The handle is the perfect shape. It's always hidden. Never slips. No rubbing discomfort. It's everything that a butt plug should be. Someday, when I have the cash, I'm going to move up a size to challenge myself.

I wear at all sorts of fun times. I'll wear it to work. I'll wear it out grocery shopping. I'll mow the lawn with it. There are very few barriers. I've even ridden my bike with it in.

Wearing a butt plug in public is totally awesome. You feel so much sexual freedom, yet it's your naughty little secret that nobody knows about. You could be talking to the mailman, having a casual conversation, and be thinking, "Holy shit! I'm talking to Walt the mailman, and there's a sex toy in my asshole, that he delivered to my door last week. And he has no fucking idea!!!".

u/oberynmagwitch · 24 pointsr/sexover30

It shouldn’t all be on you, he needs to be an active participant as well. I only provide suggestions for you because you can control your own actions.

I’m currently reading Come As You Are. It’s pretty popular lately, and might be an interesting read for you both.

u/chlywly · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Hmm, sounds like a sex therapist could be helpful. Or this book! Highly recommend you and your wife read this together. Frankly, if a quicky can't cut it I'm not sure how logistically you can find the time for daily sex of that sort face-face PIV. I'd be happy having sex 2x a week with my wife.


u/that_celibate_girl · 10 pointsr/sexover30

While you are waiting for the therapist, perhaps the book Come As You Are could help her feel more at ease with her own sexuality.

It's too soon to jump to the conclusion that you are technically inept. If she does not know how her own body works, there is no way for her to guide you to being the partner she needs. Support and encourage her while she figures herself out, and hopefully she will get to a place where she can tell, and show, you what she needs.

u/janedoesquestion · 3 pointsr/sexover30

A couple of ideas--

-- Hang around SO30 and read about sex. Invite your husband to join you, and start by showing him your post. But continue to read here together, point out threads or comments to each other that you find interesting or that spark ideas.

-- "Fake it til you make it" is a real thing. Even if you don't feel sexy at first, go ahead and act like you do. I would bet money (and I don't have any) that your husband's reaction will quickly make you feel really sexy.

And a couple of books that are very popular around here:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel

u/Pizza_Butt27 · 6 pointsr/sexover30

InteVision Foam Bed Wedge Pillow (25" x 24" x 12") - 2" Memory Foam Top Layer with Firm Base Foam and a High Quality Removable Cover - Helps Provide Relief from Acid Reflux, Snoring, Post Surgery

We’ve had this one for almost two years and highly recommend it.

u/belle_bs · 3 pointsr/sexover30

Also: Emily Nagoski - Come As you Are -

Best book out there on the current science of sexual desire.

u/Anatolysdream · 1 pointr/sexover30

It might take longer than you think and it may happen outside of sex, especially if she currently is not willing to masturbate. If she doesn't know what does it for her, she can't tell you. And observing her reactions during sex can give false results and add stress.

What exercise does she do? What does she like to read? How does she talk about her body, either sexually or self image? In what ways does she take care of her body? Is she on any medication that could lead to decreased arousal or interest as a side effect? What does she think of her not coming?

I don't think this can be solved with technique or anything you do or don't do. Sex and arousal for some women starts in the mind. It's also quite possible to become aroused without touch: yoga, massage, reading (not necessarily porn), running and other exercise (especially done to music). Even the simple act of meditation, sitting and breathing, can do it. Its something for the two of you to do together, and creates closeness on so many energy levels. Even taking a walk, or doing brisk exercise together (being out in nature did it for me.) Does she like to dance? That can be very sensual and body affirming.

I guess I'm saying that for your wife to become sexual, the path is to become sensual. Occasionally there are shortcuts, but if she's not curious about coming, or forbids herself from feeling things or masturbating, there may not be.

I don't think I had my first orgasm until 22 or 23. It wasn't with a vibrator or a partner. It was due to my need, curiosity, sense of adventure, willingness to fantasize about what turned me on and my willingness to fail, over and over. I did not have an orgasm through PIV until my mid-thirties. Many women never do.

Heres another book recommendation: Come As You Are.

u/usernamesmooozername · 2 pointsr/sexover30

That's the set I started with! Totally agree with your initial thoughts. Ended up 'upgrading(?)' to an Njoy plug which I enjoy immensely when in that mood

u/ClimaxFlatulence · 4 pointsr/sexover30

This could have been me writing this about 2 years ago. I had the same experience with my wife. She never complained about my methods, but always preferred “me” over me going down. For starters I read “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner. I will warn you it is heavy on anatomy, but that is what made the big difference for me and I believe it could be for you too. It is a calculated approach to cunnilingus. This is, at times, is not as fun for me... But the payoff is her cumming from me going down on her. It has some strange methods. One that involves using your gums with heavy pressure over the clitoral hood. I feel like I look like Fire Marshall Bill doing it but it works. I still attempt to “wing it” some nights because that is fun... But that usually gets the “I want you” response. At the end of the book it has different approaches using the various methods and they are very effective. It also covers g-spot vs clitoral orgasms etc. And I found out she brags about it at work.


I read a book and now I can get my wife off easily by going down on her. Every man should consider reading it.

Edit: Formatting

u/Onmymind42 · 1 pointr/sexover30

You might want to pick up Tristan Taromino's book

I think she has instructional DVD's too.

And I'm glad he was into the idea, sounds like you might have found his sex drive again right there!

u/Antistotle · 48 pointsr/sexover30

Standard Responses:

  1. Look up "Responsive Desire" v.s. "Spontaneous Desire".
  2. Read the book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
  3. There's a book out there about "Love Languages", but I can't remember what it is.
u/vintagesauce · 5 pointsr/sexover30

The way we view libido is very odd, and for women, it's usually based in using the male libido as our baseline.

This is a good view of women's libido and sexual response. I love this book so much:

u/BillsInATL · 2 pointsr/sexover30

I got this book back in '98 and it's still one of the best available today.

u/fragilestories · 4 pointsr/sexover30

The only book on my shelf not yet mentioned is Mating in Captivity. (and of course the joy of sex).

u/Clandestinemeanderer · 2 pointsr/sexover30

$32 for this and you save a ton of time on DIY. If you buy the bradn for the one "designed for sex" it's about $100.

u/ino_y · 17 pointsr/sexover30

Step 1 in solving any relationship problem, they have to care. They have to want to solve the problem. Nothing you throw at them, make them read, beg, plead, bargain, cajole, trick them.. wont stick if they just dont feel like changing because they have no need to change, you're never gonna leave right?

Anyway, Come as you are and She comes first both with ridiculous fruit on the cover, if he actually wants to pleasure you.

u/Joman0024 · 11 pointsr/sexover30

Let me suggest this amazing book that talks about just this issue. Emily Negowski wrote this book to women for women. Emily also wrote a follow up to this book. Breaking the stress cycle or something. It also comes in audiobook. Please check it out. This information is so key for us men to understand. I had so many issues with the “breaks” in my last marriage that it just drove us a part. If we have language around these things then we can communicate better on how to overcome it.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Also, female sexual boredom is a real thing! Dr. Wednesday Martin talks about this a lot!

u/Prisoner-of-Paradise · 5 pointsr/sexover30

Have you tried something like a wedge? You could possibly lie on it face down for doggy without having to support yourself or arch your back.

u/thirdcoastvolkswerks · 7 pointsr/sexover30

Searching in the medical field may yield less expensive options.
Drive Medical Folding Bed Wedge, 12"

u/dirtyalt75 · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Just an FYI, but check Amazon. We bought our table from there. It was like $75 and prime so 2-3 day delivery. My wife and I are "full figured" and it holds us no problem. Here's the link :