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Wow. Thank you very much!

EDIT: I don't want to go too far with the self-promotion on here, but the story comes from an ebook collection I just released. It's only 99 cents for Kindle, if you're interested. I could really use the feedback from fiction lovers like yourself. The only copy I've sold was bought by my own father and his criticisms are a bit biased. haha

Hey. Thank you, that means a lot to me. If you have a Kindle, you can download the full collection for free until midnight tonight (21st). There is a free PDF on the site, too. Appreciate the kind words.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N4D6EMX/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482234917&sr=8-1&keywords=graeme+keeton

Okay, thank you for this submission. This story is structurally, grammatically, and narrative quite bad. I don't want to pick it apart because I don't feel it will add anything to your future as a writer; this story shows great potential, but improper usage of the English language renders it barely readable.

I have some suggestions:

1. https://www.amazon.ca/Elements-Style-William-Strunk-Jr/dp/020530902X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1482029865&sr=1-1&keywords=the+elements+of+style -> Read and memorize this. It will be the best .99 cents you've ever spent.
   
   
2. Practice writing shorter stories. <1000 words. It will cut out all the crap many new writers buffer their language with.
   
   
3. Don't tell stories with dialogue tags. He said, she said, I said, etc. is all you need. It becomes terribly difficult to pick apart the tags and the story for a reader.
   
   Further reading suggestions:
   
   
4. Character and Viewpoint - Orson Scott Card
   
   
5. Plot - Ansen Dibell
   
   
6. Conflict and Suspense - James Scott Bell
   
   If you plan on taking this career seriously, these are all good places to start -- after The Elements of Style of course. Best of luck with your writing, feel free to send me any of your subsequent works.
   
   Edit: I had a few more ideas after I clicked post:
   
   
7. Unwriting by Kenny Goldsmith
   
   
8. "Shitty First Drafts" - http://wrd.as.uky.edu/sites/default/files/1-Shitty%20First%20Drafts.pdf (it's a PDF, so the whole thing is right here.)
   
   
9. 20 Master Plots - Tobias -- try to tell some of these stories in the fewest amount of words, I do it for practice all the time.
   
   
10. Keep a writer's journal - write all your ideas, drafts, clippings of other good stories, etc. It's like a database of knowledge for you to look back on when you're stuck.

Thank You! My wife wrote it. She has a book on Amazon free this week. https://www.amazon.com/Paw-Book-1-Bastis-Archives-ebook/dp/B06XZLV7C2/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=

Actually, it's also free on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00T06KWF8 Does that help?

Just to let you know the collection the story is from is free on Kindle for the next few days if you fancy grabbing a copy - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01943SIIO/

Ah, he's a big fan of using brand names and ™, © symbols in his work. If you're anyway technical (even if you're not actually), I highly recommend reading Microserfs.