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I also lost my partner while relatively young (though not as young as your son), and I'll offer you some "counter-advice." Assuming the general natural order of things, you are older than your son. :) My mother spent the entire first visit after my partner died, worrying out loud about what would happen when her partner died. It was incredibly insensitive and it took me over a year to really forgive her for it. (I mean, obviously, it's a thing she worries about, but WOW was I not the right person to worry about it to.)

The best grieving book I've read is (Grieving: A Beginner's Guide)[https://smile.amazon.com/Grieving-Beginners-Jerusha-Hull-McCormack/dp/1557254931], it is specifically targeted at people who have lost their partners, but is easily generalizable. There is a special section in it for people who know people who have lost people. (It's at the end! Make sure to look for it.)

In general, yes, availability to talk, yes, financial support. Also, convenience things. I don't have children, but I needed the people who brought me food. I bet he needs that even more. Since you're far away, signing up with whatever his local equivalent of foodkick, peapod, instacart-- something that will deliver groceries. I also had a friend who gave me her login to foodler, which aggregates take-out places. And a couple days I wouldn't have eaten at all, except that I knew I could order on her account. (The early days were fraught with money problems. They still are, but not on the "I can't buy groceries" level). Sometimes, it's easier to accept a login to a grocery or takeout service than it is to accept cashmonies. Even though it's the same thing at some level, I think it's easier to accept food than money. Along the same way, depending on how he shops, adding your credit card to his amazon account or such might also be a roundabout way of providing support.

I also really appreciated remembrances of my love. Just little silly anecdotes that people remembered. I think (again since you're far away) a post card or paper letter saying "I really value that time when she did X and we enjoyed Y..." might go a long way.

I wrote a billion of thank you notes after the memorial. I never got a single follow-up from his colleagues, checking in. Encouraging other people to check-in, gently, may also be a thing.

I totally believe I will see her again. I look for signs of her, and I see them. Of course a skeptic would say that I'm finding meaning where there isn't any. But, that's okay. I don't mind. I believe in the Resurrection.

Last week a ladybug landed on my mouse pad in my office. I like to believe that is my wife checking up on me. Two years ago at this time she was in hospice, and maybe she knows I could use some reassurance. Sometimes I can hear her admonishment, "Maoxiong, why aren't you behaving? You need to pull yourself together." Other times I can hear her saying, "I love you." I don't discount those small events. I can imagine her exasperation when I meet her again: "I tried so hard to give you some signs but you were too numb to notice! Haaaaa!"

I can't speak for anyone else, but yes, I see and feel her presence. It's hard to describe, but it is real.

This book, called "Elsewhere", is a very cute and sweet story. It's not religious but it's hopeful. My mom gave it to me right after my wife died. It's the kind of book a teenager might enjoy, so it's a very easy read.

I like to remind myself that faith and hope and love are all gifts, and I am thankful to be the recipient. I hope everyone can find peace wherever possible.

Journaling really helped me a lot & I still continue to do it (close to 3yrs). I also really liked this book because it made me think & write about other memories: https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Soulmate-Dies-Mourning/dp/1617222429

If possible: find a professional who understands grieving. I hired the social worker from the hospital privately & she really helped me understand some feelings.

I also hired a personal trainer. This was expensive but giving my body physical strength really helped give my heart & mind mental strength. However it was over time and I don’t think there really is a quick fix. Be gentle with yourself.

Great recommendation thanks! On the flip side of the coin, Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman is a more esoteric approach. Every day of the year has one quote followed by a one paragraph discussion of the idea. I've never been one for sitting down and reading through a self help book, so this book has fit my reading style. And its a good companion for a "taking a day at a time" approach. And even if one day doesn't resonate, another coming up will.

First of all, this book has been my crutch.

I read from it when I'm stuck.

What it says about holidays:

>Sundays are the worst.

>No doubt about it.

>Holidays are the second-worst.

>Saturday nights aren't much fun either.

>The feelings of separation may feel greater three days, three weeks, 6 months and a year after the loss.

>Schedule particularly comforting activities into these periods of time.

Something else you may find useful from this book that I found useful:

> Be with the pain.

>If you're hurting, admit it.

>To feel pain after loss is:

• normal
  
  
• natural
  
  
• proof that you are alive
  
  
• a sign that you are able to respond to life's experiences
  
  > Although you may be frightened by it, be with your pain. Feel it. Lean into it. You will not find it bottomless.
  
  >It is an important part of the healing process that you be with the pain, experience the desolation, feel the hurt.
  
  >Don't deny it or cover it or run away from it. Be with it. Hurt for a while.
  
  >See the pain as not hurting, but as healing.
  
  
  ❤❤❤

This is a great group doing excellent work across the country. I am on their advisory board. For an additional reference go here. I've been there and know the journey all to well.

I'm glad to hear that you already have someone you're comfortable with. If I could, I'd like to suggest the following books that have helped me a lot in understanding the unique grief for very young widows:

https://smile.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

https://smile.amazon.com/Im-Grieving-Fast-Can-Widowers/dp/0882820958/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

https://smile.amazon.com/Wasnt-Ready-Say-Goodbye-Surviving/dp/1402212216/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

This meditation CD. There's a track called Riding the Wave about sitting with strong emotions. There were nights I couldn't sleep, listened to the meditation, cried my heart out, and fell right asleep.

Have you heard of the book The Fall of Freddie the Leaf?

> This story by Leo Buscaglia is a warm, wonderfully wise and strikingly simple story about a leaf names Freddie. How Freddie and his companion leaves change with the passing seasons, finally falling to the ground with winter's snow, is an inspiring allegory illustrating the delicate balance between life and death.
>
>The Fall of Freddie the Leaf is a warm and thought-provoking story and both children and adults will be deeply touched by this inspiring book. This 20th anniversary edition of this beloved classic has helped thousands of people come to grips with life and death.

Get Megan's book and read it. It will give you some comfort and understanding how to survive.

https://www.amazon.com/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076

There was a series of articles written in The Guardian called Widower Of The Parish by Adam Golightly.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/widower-of-the-parish

He’s expanded them into a book too called Being Adam Golightly

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1780723164/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_t1_2oN-BbWDAXH7K

They’re both worth a read

My husband died over a year ago for the same reason your wife died. It was also during his sleep. He was only 35. I was left a widow at 35 with a 18 month old baby ( now 3 years old).

I also waited before dating, but it is hard when you are widow with young kid.

I went to therapy right after my husband's death. It helped a lot.

I read a book called this angel on my chest. It is about youth widows, but I think it may apply to widowers.

This is the link:
https://www.amazon.com/This-Angel-Chest-Heinz-Prize/dp/0822944421

Best of luck in this journey.

We had no kids, so I have no advice, sorry. But I did read a book and there seemed to be a fair amount geared at dealing with kids: https://www.amazon.com/Option-Adversity-Building-Resilience-Finding/dp/1524732680

That's basically what I've been saying. I met with a child psychologist for a few session and she said kids can't understand death until about 4, so that bridge won't be crossed for a bit. And the suicide piece, we will talk about, but not until much later.

She recommended this book which is excellent.
http://www.amazon.com/Losing-Parent-Death-Early-Years/dp/0943657725/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454451285&sr=8-1&keywords=losing+a+parent+to+death+in+the+early+years

Also, you should find a support group for survivors of suicide loss ASAP. It's been the best thing I've done. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention funds some of them and you can use this link to find one near you:

http://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/find-a-support-group/

I am so sorry for what you are going through, my wife and the mother of my children died on Halloween weekend leaving me the sole father of 4... This book has helped a bit, it was written by the guy who I am seeing for counseling through the organ donation organization that my wife's organs were harvested by.

https://www.amazon.com/Katie-Ladybug-Explaining-Emotions-Grief/dp/0982700393

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Helped me view my feelings in a different way, but no less awful. This is the book that I give to people that are going through this particular nightmare.

Godspeed.

That’s my issue too, waking up absurdly early.

This morning I actually slept through until 7:30 am, an absolute rarity. Usually, I’m awake just after 5 am although I don’t have to get up and would rather sleep in a bit because the most restorative hours for adrenal fatigue recovery are from 7 to 9 am. I am trying very hard not to go to bed later because I wake up early regardless. Even the night this week that I didn’t get to bed until 2 am, I only slept until 7:30 am.

When I was happy, before everything went haywire with my husband’s health, I went to be early and woke up around 8 am so loads of sleep and I felt restored. Sometimes back then, I would sleep straight through without getting up. Now, I am also more restless, I often get up to go to the bathroom. And none of it feels remotely restorative.

Someone earlier in my journals here mentioned looking at grief brain, there is a neurologist who has experience loss of a partner and written a book about it. I’m tempted to buy it but I know that knowledge in grief isn’t always power, you can study this phenomenon to death and still there is no “textbook” course.

https://www.amazon.ca/Before-After-Johns-Hopkins-Health-ebook/dp/B07K6QN5M1/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1558047979&sr=8-2-fkmrnull

——————

In her book, Before and After Loss, neurologist Dr. Lisa M. Shulman describes a personal story of loss and her journey to understand the science behind the mind-altering experience of grief.

Part memoir, part creative nonfiction, part account of scientific discovery, this moving book combines Shulman's perspectives as an expert in brain science and a keen observer of behavior with her experience as a clinician, a caregiver, and a widow. Drawing on the latest studies about grief and its effects, she explains what scientists know about how the mind, brain, and body respond and heal following traumatic loss. She also traces the interface between the experience of profound loss and the search for emotional restoration.

Combining the science of emotional trauma with concrete psychological techniques? including dream interpretation, journaling, mindfulness exercises, and meditation?Shulman's frank and empathetic account will help readers regain their emotional balance by navigating the passage from profound sorrow to healing and growth.

> How do we get better from this?!

Very slowly and painfully. And it will take everything you have at a time when you have so little to give.

There are things that you can do to make this a little easier, medications like antidepressants as "Intcleastw0od" suggested, can numb the pain but it might just delay what you need to go through so it was not my choice, plus they all have annoying side effects and can be difficult to stop. I choose not to take any.

Doing something physical as "gpdno" suggested is helpful. Walking, hiking, biking, whatever, doing something physical as much as possible really seems to help some people reduce the suffering. Beating stuff up might be even better but I didn't try that.

Therapy can give you someone 'in-person' to talk with and will hopefully acknowledge what you are feeling and give you some tools to reduce the suffering. I found it too exhausting to talk with someone the first few months for I would always end up crying, so I choose to not do therapy. And if you are like most of us, and have limited coverage or money for therapy, you can try reading Megan Devine's book. She is a therapist that understands our pain and suffering, she lost her husband, so her words and suggestions are very credible and comforting.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1622039076/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0

To deal with the constant negative thoughts; the fears, the regrets, those horrible voices in our head, meditation might be helpful. I started using the guided meditation app called Headspace as suggested by someone else here. At first I thought it was just about learning how to meditate, which I knew is supposed to be helpful dealing with negative thoughts, but I quickly realized they offer training sessions that focus on specific topics like grief, sadness, loneliness, and regret. I have been doing them all, one by one, usually just 15 minutes a day. The grief sessions are 30 in total and worth the $13 for the month period. I hope it can help you.

https://www.headspace.com/