Reddit reviews Adoption Is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know

I am so sorry you got that response. How disappointing. It is not uncommon. Although I think your husband may be right, that she will not take that (horrific, bigoted) approach to an actual child, that doesn't change what happened here -- you shared personal information about your plans and hopes for building a family, and got shut down. When a relative shames you in a way that is rejecting to an innocent-albeit-future-and-hypothetical adopted child, then that carries a special sting.

I am not surprised you are pissed. I think that means you will be a wonderful mother, regardless of the path that you took to become one.

We adopted from foster care and received a similar reception. There is a book out there that my parents got a hold of, (it may have been https://www.amazon.ca/Adoption-Family-Affair-Relatives-Friends/dp/1849058954) that acknowledges that yes, grandparents do need space and time and support to grieve the loss of their own hopes and dreams of grandparenthood. This is a real loss. It drags them back to their sense of identity and purpose, and back to the time when they were starting their own family.

However, their needs for space/time/support in adjusting their hopes and dreams should not and absolutely cannot be filled by you or your husband. That would be outrageous, shocking, cruel. Perhaps there is a neutral and patient brother-in-law or sister-in-law that can help them through this?

Although when you research adoption there is a lot of negative information, I can tell you that there really is genuine joy along the way.

I don't want to sound horrible on my own, but if you do end up going along the adoption path, then - fuck I am terrible at diplomacy, and don't know how to phrase this when you are already having such a shitty time. But the worst offenders who initially resist the idea of an adopted child can sometimes be just as bad when they decide to love the adopted child. Because they are the type to do a 180 degree turn and become super-sanctimonious. EVERYTHING about the child is interesting and wonderful, but it is constantly related to them being adopted and because you are so CHARITABLE. If you don't have a wise and patient relative who can help MIL to see how obnoxious this is, then I am out of ideas. Other than maybe earplugs and Ativan. OK seriously - they will come around, eventually. They should and they will come around.... Building a family means not just getting a child...it means building bridges for your children to connect to even the nails-on-a-chalkboard family members.

The miracle of adoption is that it changes you and the way that you see the world, in ways that you cannot predict. My kids' birth mom is a homeless addict who means well but is a low-functioning and sometimes dangerously unstable person (I can't even read that back to myself without being awed by what a different person I am than I was a few years ago). And yet the challenges of navigating a relationship with my kids' birthmom is nothing compared to the angst of dealing with / anticipating /ignoring relatives as they respond to the idea and reality of adoption.

Fuck... now I am "that person" who only posts on one topic. I am actually part of this subreddit because I am trying to learn about and deal with infertility. But I keep seeing the topic of adoption come up, and it seems like the only way I have as a newbie to contribute.